#how very different the responses were after describing the same happenings

[ipcearn]

There is a very different world view involved in how one is raised as biologically male or female, obviously

But I think on this today in particular when I examine how I explained how a teacher acted inappropriately to me in high school to two different friends

And how inherently male vs female view their responses were

And I don't fault either of them for it because I think that is very much a product of how we are raised to see the world when it comes to that

If it wasn't so revolving around my trauma I think I could glean something more from it but right now how vastly different those responses were to me describing the same experience is all the novelty I can gather

[kyeomofhearts]

Back For More | J.WW

+ summary: while adjusting to your new life in college, you couldn't help but attract the attention of wonwoo, someone who you happen to have a history with.

+ pairing: badboy!wonwoo x fem!reader

+ word count: 2.7k

+ content: badboy!wonwoo, college au, mature language, flirting (wonwoo is a menace), jealousy. [pls let me know if i missed anything!]

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV

[ᝰ.ᐟ] i hope you guys enjoy this! it's most likely going to be a two-parter so definitely let me know if you want to be added to my taglist! i would greatly appreciate it if you guys reblogged (maybe with comments too ^^) since i thrive on your guys' validation :)

You were tired, very tired.

Granted, this was your own doing. Maybe if you hadn't pushed your responsibilities to the side last night you wouldn't have had to wake up so early to study for an exam, but what's done is done. This whole college thing was not going so well, to say the least. Sure, it's only the beginning of the second semester, but you already feel exhausted by all of your class workloads.

Just ten more minutes of this boring lecture and you could finally go home and crawl into bed. But… that's only if you avoid him today. Which now that you’re thinking about it, you hope he isn’t waiting for you outside, again. That would be the last thing you needed today.

With that being said, things have felt a little weird if you were being honest. Of course, this was your first year of university, so things were bound to feel new and different. But there was something, or rather someone that was making you feel strange.

Around two weeks ago you noticed that Wonwoo, an old classmate of yours, had recently started to become a bit friendly towards you. While that normally wouldn’t be considered weird, you couldn’t help but feel skeptical about his intentions. You knew the kind of people he surrounded himself with, and especially the girls he would go after; which was the exact opposite of you. So what exactly did he want from you?

What also makes this situation more odd is that you’ve basically known Wonwoo for your whole life. Of course, you don’t actually know him, you just happened to go to the same elementary, middle, and high school (which is insane if you think about it). Acquaintance is a perfect word to describe your relationship with him, nothing more nothing less. So yeah… it’s a little weird when the guy you have been around for (almost) your whole life is suddenly trying to befriend you, there definitely had to be something wrong with him.

All you knew about Wonwoo was that he was on the more reserved and quiet side; mainly keeping to himself most of the time. His group of friends was quite the opposite of him, which always made you wonder how he even became friends with them in the first place.

Seeing how the lecture was ending soon, you started to pack your stuff; you were more than ready to dash straight out of the classroom. Having finished all of your assignments for today, you had nothing left to worry about. So once the professor had made her goodbyes, you made a straight beeline to the door, nothing was going to hold you back from your long-awaited nap. Your pace was brisk, attempting to avoid the backed-up main exit, you decided to go to the opposite door. The walk back to your apartment wasn’t too bad either, most of the time you saw it as a way to daydream and listen to music. So while you scrolled through your various playlists, you happened to miss the (very obvious) figure following you.

Wonwoo called out your name a few times until it finally dawned on him that you had your headphones on. He took a few long strides to catch up to you; he was very adamant on getting your attention this morning. With ease, he quickly plucked your headphones off of your head.

“What are we listening to today?” He said while adjusting the headphones on his head. It took you a second to fully process what he was doing. You knew he was doing it to provoke you, but you were determined to not let that happen today. So to his surprise, you simply kept walking. You figured that he would continue with his antics if you gave him the reaction that he wanted so you did the opposite, you ignored him.

What shocked him the most was seeing you pull out an old pair of earbuds and plugging them into your phone. He was dumbfounded to say the least, how were you so prepared and why were you ignoring him?

And again, he quickly caught up with a few simple steps. He took your headphones off of his head and tapped them against your shoulder.

With a tired sigh, you turned around to face him but couldn’t help but admire his face. You really didn't want to lose that ‘expressionless’ look you were going for (to help you ignore him of course), but that small smile of his was enough to crack you down. It's like he knew that it was your one weakness when it came to him. This was the most annoying part of it all. Anytime he smiled or looked at you, a tiny part inside you secretly liked it, making you crave his attention at times.

Objectively speaking, Wonwoo was very handsome. That was something you could never deny, you would even go as far as to say that he was your type but you didn't particularly like the people he called his ‘friends’ so you were stuck in a weird limbo.

“Is there something on my face, birdy?”

You scoffed at the nickname. “I told you not to call me that.”

Wonwoo’s eyes were looking straight into yours, a smirk slowly creeping up to his lips. It didn't help that he was looking really good today either, his messy hair combined with the whole biker fit did wonders for your eyes. He was about to say something before you heard your ringtone go off, evidently cutting him off.

Oh.

It was Hyunwoo. That's odd... you finished your shared project with him rather early, what could he be calling you about? Either way, you answered the random call in front of a rather annoyed Wonwoo.

"Hello?"

"Heyyy yn, I was wondering if you wanted to get lunch later today?" You couldn't help but feel your eyes widen at his sudden question. Since when did he want to hang out with you? Last time you checked he had a plethora of girls that he was talking to... maybe he was interested in you? No, you shouldn't get too ahead of yourself...

"Um... let me check if I have anything to do first. Can I call you back?" You knew that you sounded nervous but how else were you supposed to feel when the cute guy from your physics class was literally asking you to eat lunch with him?

As soon as you ended the call, you felt Wonwoo's arm snake its way down to your waist. You couldn’t help but yelp at the sudden intimate contact. Chuckling at your reaction, he leaned down, closer to your ear. “Who was that?”

"No one." You stated simply, it wasn't his business anyway.

"Hm, okay," Wonwoo rested his head on your shoulder, continuing to speak lowly in your ear. "I'll remember that birdy."

Before you could even come up with something to counter him, he decided to speak up once again.

"Well, I do have something rather important to tell you." His voice was so calm and soothing, you could honestly listen to it for hours on end if you had the chance.

"What is it?" You hoped he couldn't sense your rather, embarrassing, curiosity.

"Heard you used to have a little crush on me," his voice was evidently smug, knowing that this would surely get a rise out of you.

Which it did.

Your face burned at the memories of when you used to have a crush on Wonwoo. But, that had to be in fourth grade… so how could he have known about that? Nonetheless, you scoffed at his statement, not wanting to know that you were a little embarrassed by the sudden reminder.

“Key word, had,” you rolled your eyes at him. This did make you curious though, who could have possibly told him that? So you asked him exactly that.

“How do you even know about that?” His smile never faltered even as you lightly pushed his hand away from your waist. If anything, this made him want to touch you even more.

“I have my ways,” he stated simply. Of course, he does. You hated when he would shrug things off, now this was going to bother you for the entire week!

One thing about Wonwoo was that he has always been curious about you, this interest stemming back all the way to your elementary days. This curiosity eventually intensified in junior year of high school when you began to show your blatant distaste towards him. He just had to get to know you.

He looked down at you, his face was unreadable like always. You never knew what was going on in that mind of his.

"Why are you here? Shouldn't you be hanging out with your actual friends?" Sometimes you couldn't help but blurt out your thoughts to him even if they sounded a bit rude. His face faltered for a split second, probably caught off guard by the random question. Shoot, you really didn’t mean to say that out loud. Although, it looks like Wonwoo didn’t take any offense to your sudden question. If anything, it made him... smile?

“I am hanging out with my friend,” he stopped you to face him, “which is you.” You rolled your eyes at him. That had to be the corniest thing he has ever said to you if you were being honest. You just hated that giddy feeling he would give you any time he said something remotely cheesy.

"Ugh, you're so dumb," you groaned while checking the time on your phone. It was getting close to noon and you hadn't responded to Hyunwoo's question from earlier. Maybe it was best if you didn't go... who knows what he wanted from you. If you were being completely honest, you didn't know if you had it in you to see other people at the moment, aside from Wonwoo of course.

"Have somewhere to be?" Wonwoo asked, a hint of concern peeking through his voice.

"No, thank god, but I do have a scheduled nap to get to so if you don't mind-" you were cut off by the sound of an engine revving, making your body jump at the unexpected noise. You turned to see where the source of the commotion was coming from but then realized it was coming from a group of bikers nearby; most likely Wonwoo's friends.

Or so you thought?

Wonwoo didn't seem too pleased with the group that was getting closer to where the two of you were. On the contrary, Wonwoo looked pissed. His jaw was visibly clenched, the gentle grip he had on your waist tightened, and his eyes lost that playful spark he had earlier. You couldn't help but feel guilty for thinking about how hot Wonwoo looked when he was angry. Of course, you would never want to be on the receiving end of his anger but seeing it on the sidelines was quite... interesting.

Wait. This might actually be serious, so it's best if you leave before anything crazy happens.

"I think I'm going to head out now..." you said quietly as you tried to slip away from Wonwoo's (awfully) strong grasp.

He turned to look at you, his eyes softening once they landed on your figure. Why did they have to come and bother him at this exact moment? He knew that whatever was going to happen was not going to be pretty, but he found himself reluctant to let you go.

Before truly letting you go, he quietly asked, "Are you sure? I can take you home if you want me to." As soft as his voice was, he still managed to sound composed which was comforting considering the situation.

You nodded in response, "I don't live that far from here so it's fine, thank you for the offer though." You managed to flash him a small, awkward smile before turning away from him and heading toward the direction of your apartment. You didn't know what exactly was going on between those guys and Wonwoo but it for sure wasn't friendly. Although it wasn't exactly your issue, you couldn't help but feel worried about Wonwoo, even if he was a pain in the ass sometimes.

Much to your dismay, that scheduled nap never came your way that day.

You blame Wonwoo, how were you supposed to sleep peacefully knowing he was probably getting jumped? Okay, you might be jumping to conclusions but what else were you supposed to think about when he was visibly angry at the mere sight of those guys?

Realistically speaking, it's only been two days since that whole incident happened. Granted, you haven't seen Wonwoo since then but that could mean a lot of things.

[...]

While you were in line to get a smoothie from one of the pop-up shops near the campus, you felt a sudden tap on your shoulder.

"Did my little birdy miss me?" You felt Wonwoo say right next to your ear, his breath fanning across your earlobe. It sent a wave of tingles down your spine, making you shudder in turn. Though you weren't a fan of his spontaneous appearance.

"God, you need to stop doing that! I almost slapped you I swear-" You stopped mid-way once you turned around and saw his face. He had a few cuts on his lips and eyebrows and one big bruise across his cheek. Those guys really did a number on him.

Your eyebrows furrowed in concern, "are you okay?"

He tried to wave it off but you could tell he was bothered by your question, "It's fine, really, don't worry about it." Was he insane? How were you not going to worry when he was visibly injured?

"Were these from the guys on Tuesday?" You couldn't help but ask, where else would he get these cuts and bruises if it didn't come from them?

His demeanor immediately switched and he pushed himself away from you.

"It's none of your business so stay out of it."

"Okay." That was the only thing you said before grabbing your smoothie from the worker and quickly walking away from the shop. If he wanted to be like that then so be it. You most definitely were not going to wait for him to 'open up' by all means, he could throw himself a pity party for all you care.

"Wait-" He tried reaching for your arm but you were too quick for him. Your steps were swift, helping you create a reasonable distance between you and Wonwoo. He called out your name a few times before giving up, he didn't want to gather any unwanted attention from the people nearby. Reaching your pace, Wonwoo was finally close enough to grab your wrist and make you look at him.

"Are you seriously ignoring me?" His voice was a bit jagged, no doubt coming from the unexpected cardio you made him do to catch up to you.

Unfortunately for him, you were petty. "You said it wasn't my business, so please do not talk to me because I really do not care." You brushed past him once again this time making sure he could not grab your arms or wrists.

He exhaled in annoyance, "Look I'm sorry-" Wonwoo was mid-apology before being abruptly cut off by the voice of a guy yelling your name out loud.

Speaking of the devil, what immaculate timing.

"Hey yn! Did you still want to get food after class?" Hyunwoo jogged to where you were standing but saw how Wonwoo was still trying to talk to you.

"Sorry, were you busy with him?"

You instantly responded to Hyunwoo, "No, he was just asking for directions, but yeah I'm down for food." Like before, you made your way towards Hyunwoo, making sure to bump into Wonwoo. He couldn't help but stay frozen in place as he watched you walk to class with some random guy, jealousy slowly invading his mind.

Directions? Did she really...?

As much as Wonwoo wanted to be mad at you, he really had no one to blame but himself. The whole situation with his old group of 'friends' was really getting to him so once you popped that question it just seemed to send him over the edge. He just didn't know how far you would go to express your annoyance towards him. Now all he had to do was find a way to properly apologize to you before that Hyunwoo guy got to you first.

The only thing stopping him? He didn't have your number or any of your socials...

Part Two: II

[analyticalstarz]

In honor of autism awareness month, here's a full comprehensible list as to why I think Rui is autistic, or at the very least, neurodivergent !!!! - 1, For starters, he was ostracized by his classmates for presumably almost a decade (2nd grade - 1st yr of high school), all because he was "different" and nobody around him could properly understand him. This has resulted in him struggling to form and maintain relationships. As stated in his second focus event, Revival My Dream, when he was a kid, Rui had a hard time conversering with his classmates because he felt as if he couldn't connect with them.

He's interested in more niche things, like robotics,

and he was also interested in things that people normally regard as "scary", such as moths;

After he became fond of shows and theater as well and attempted to include his classmates in one he thought of in an attempt to grow closer to them, his idea ultimately backfired since his classmates thought his way of directing was "dangerous", and this is where the ostracization seemed to start.

(translation by Arvon Oven) Being ostracized and shunned is unfortunately a common thing with people who have autism, and as I mentioned previously, Rui was alone for presumably seven years straight, all because he was regarded as "different". - 2, He has "restricted, obsessive interests" that can be seen as hyperfixations/special interests. Ever since he was a child, Rui's been heavily interested in both robotics/inventing and shows. A hyperfixation is described as, "A complete obsession with or absorption into a particular task. The task can be a hobby, a TV show, a subject of interest, or something else. People who hyperfixate may tune out the world around them and ignore important responsibilities, such as eating or sleeping." Rui's interest in shows specifically can be seen as a hyperfixation, as in the first side story of his Unforeseen Keynotes (or Unexpected Happenings according to the English translation) card, Rui was so engrossed in thinking about the next show they'd be doing, he had completely forgotten that Robo-Nene was due for maintenance, and Nene mentions that this wouldn't be the first time he's forgotten to eat or sleep because of how engrossed he gets in his thoughts while thinking about shows.

Nene also mentions in Wonderlands x Showtime's main story that Rui becomes so absorbed in his shows that he "loses sight of everything else", (In the original Japanese version, she says "When it comes to shows, he isn't able to look at his surroundings, so things never work out".)

and also in KAMIKOU FESTIVAL!, where he mentions that his tendency to put shows "at the center of everything" might be a flaw of his;

(translation by Ren) It's also mentioned in A Once-In-A-Lifetime Pandemonium!? that he'll get so absorbed in his thoughts while thinking of shows, he'll completely forget about his surroundings.

(translation by tsukasa’s #3 fan) - 3, He has texture issues, which is also common with people who have autism. It's been mentioned multiple times throughout the course of the game that he detests vegetables, but more specifically cucumbers and things in the cucurbitaceae family (such as watermelon & pumpkin), because they all share the same texture.

He mentions in an area conversation with Nene that he usually only eats at restaurants he's familiar with (he sticks to routine; another thing common with people who have autism), so eating out has never been an issue to him, and he even refused to eat vegetables when they were quite literally stranded on a deserted island and in a life-threatening situation.

- 4, He info-dumps. A lot.

This one is pretty self-explanatory, I think. - 5, He's overly logical and struggles with his emotions. He's had trouble on multiple occasions understanding his emotions, such as in Full Power! Wonder Halloween! where he unconsciously holds himself back after inadvertently injuring Tsukasa with one of his inventions, but he didn't realize that he was even holding himself back until somebody pointed it out, and he didn't realize that he was holding himself back because he was worried, either. Something similar happens in Heat Up! Kamikou High Cheering Squad! where he unconsciously holds himself back because he feared being shunned again, but once again, he didn't realize the reason for him holding himself back until somebody pointed it out for him. In the first side story of his I Can't Afford to Lose *4 card, Rui comes to the Sekai, hoping to talk to somebody to put his mind at ease. As he runs into Meiko and Luka and they ask him what's wrong because he seemed down, Rui says that "I just wanted to think about production, but my feelings got in the way of thinking". He then says "Feelings really are troublesome. / Sometimes, you have to hold them back with all of your might... It'd be nice if someone other than me could manage these troublesome feelings". (In the English translation, he says "Emotions are so complicated and can be so troublesome at times. / There are even times when one becomes completely overwhelmed by them... If only someone else were able to help put a lid on them.") Lastly, I'd like to mention that in Revival My Dream, after Rui asks his mom if he's different from the people around him, she responds by saying that, yes, he is different, but she also says that she was "just like him" as a child, and seeing how autism is caused mainly by genetics, his mom can very well be autistic too.

Okay, that is all!!! Thank you for listening to me yap :3

[17020]

ᥫ᭡ CAMPUS CRUSH GALORE! LOVE LEAVES BRUISES.

# CRUSH 001 — RIN ITOSHI, 20. FILM MAJOR.

Rin Itoshi certainly comes up with weird plans to go visit the nurse... 1.9 k fluff, college! au, gn! yn, mentions of injuries and a teeny bit of blood. Rin is sort of emotionally constipated but that's just him.

To a certain extent, RIN ITOSHI regretted studying film.

Yes, it had brought him emotional awareness. He acquired the ability to distinguish the various emotional factors that played a key role in a person's decision-making, as well as recognizing behavioral patterns through critical thinking, thus being able to objectively determine the logic (or lack thereof) in an actor's actions.

This led to self-reflection: his day-to-day actions, as well as his classmates, were meticulously analyzed by him, subconsciously being categorized as 'logical' or 'complete nonsense.'

Lately, he had noticed a slight—no—huge difference. A newfound pattern, if you will. His recent weekly routine was nothing short of illogical, as he had found himself sprinting to the nurse's office for (very) minor injuries.

It had all started when he was training with his teammates, as the Blue Lock football club was to prepare itself for the upcoming season, and the tournaments that came with it. A rushed direct kick and a distracted Jyubei Aryu ended in Rin's arm wrapped around his teammate's waist, with Aryu's arm draped over his shoulders, loudly complaining about the (totally unstylish) bruise he was to get due to Rin's kick.

When the raven-haired man knocked on the office door, he was met with a sweet and melodic voice, softly telling him to come inside. The door opened to reveal a stretcher, cabinets filled with medications and ointments, and a small wooden desk, with University of Tokyo's eye-catching nurse sitting behind it.

Rin Itoshi was interested in the nurse. Sure, his mission was to just carry Aryu to the nurse since he was the one to injure him, yet the youngest Itoshi had settled for staying longer than he should have. He was taking in every single one of the nurse's features, captivated by the alluring (e/c) eyes, and the worried expression on the nurse's face while inspecting his teammate's leg.

He was too absorbed in the nurse's beauty to notice his teammate grumpily asking him for help, as he required assistance to return to the field to get ahold of his bag. He mentally cursed as he carried his classmate, unable to decipher that unsettling feeling in his stomach that surged when he first entered the office.

The next day, he beelined towards the office once his classes were done for the day, swiftly knocking on the door and swinging it open, revealing the same nurse from the day before, a small smile plastered on their face.

"Is everything okay?"

"My stomach feels weird."

He then proceeded to be flooded with questions about his diet, his breakfast, or even the possibility of taking medications which could have caused a stomachache. The nurse's voice was laced with concern, which made the man's stomach fluttering worse. Rin felt childish while describing his symptoms, and how there was a constant fluttering sensation in his stomach since the day before. The nurse reassured him that it could be due to stress, or perhaps new experiences.

"Itoshi, have you had anything exciting happen to you lately?"

He furiously shook his head in response, insisting it must have been his breakfast, since his older brother was in charge of cooking that morning. After receiving a pill with digestive enzymes, he quickly swallowed it and went on his way. Before he stepped foot out of the office, he had one question to ask.

"What's your name?"

As Rin walked away he felt his whole face grow warm, a soft shade of pink decorating his nose, cheeks, and ears. He recognized that this was unlike him, his mind filling itself with confusion as his walking pace fastened. Soon enough, Rin Itoshi found himself sprinting through the university's campus, desperate to find the entrance of his dorm.

Rin Itoshi did not know how to label his feelings at first. They were a mix of curiosity, admiration, and... uneasiness. It was unusual for him, to spend the last two days fixated on the same person, spelling their name constantly in his head and having the image of them pop up on his mind. He was eager, for the first time in his life, for something other than football.

He wanted to get to know Yn Ln, the University of Tokyo's nurse.

And as time flew by, his actions went from 'weird' to 'complete nonsense'. Rin frequented your office, stopping by a few times a week with minor complaints. Sometimes he settled for a headache, only to feel your fingertips lightly graze the crown of his head, asking where it hurt the most to see if it was a migraine. Other times, he settled for a fever, purposely running towards your office after a tiring day of football practice, so the thermometer could reach just the right temperature, and so the back of your hand could touch his forehead, with his act becoming even more believable as his whole face flushed red with embarrassment.

It took him a while to realize that, the emotions that drove him to such extent as to faking sickness just to see you, were derived from love. Being a film major made him less emotionally constipated: enough to let him deny his feelings for weeks, and enough to let him comprehend that, in the end, whatever stupidity he was doing, he did it out of love.

His first love was the university's nurse.

With each visit, he managed to grow more confident, asking questions about your personal life. They started off subtle, asking about your age, why you chose the job, and how long you worked there. He was relieved when you revealed that you were around his age, and a fourth year medicine student who wanted to gain experience with treating patients, being allowed by UTokyo to work as a part-time nurse.

His charades continued, with him using every excuse in the book to visit your office. He had learned the schedules of your shifts, and had found himself thinking of you while his professor's lecture became background noise. He felt excited when he heard that they would soon learn of practical, digital, and special effects, with a collaborative work based on makeup effects and prosthetics.

Rin Itoshi thought he had the most brilliant idea.

He offered himself to be his classmate's canvas for special makeup effects. The assignment was simple: to paint a bruise, and to make it look realistic. When the class ended, he once again sprinted out, knowing the way towards your office like the back of his hand.

He knocked twice, which was his way of letting you know he was the one behind the door. You opened the door to let him in, your brows furrowed with worry as your gaze went directly to his right arm, which had a nasty, purple bruise. With widened eyes you carefully dragged him inside, forcing him to lay down on the stretcher. You delicately got ahold of his wrist, guiding it towards you so that you could have a better look.

The bruise was a blue-ish shade of purple, which was an indicator of it being recent, around a day or two old. Your fingers softly grazed the bruise, and as if on queue, the young Itoshi sibling squeezed his eyes shut, feigning the feeling of pain.

"What happened, Itoshi?"

He shrugged it off, replying that it had been a product of football practice. It was the most believable excuse according to him, seeing as his teammate had gotten a bruise (from him) by training football.

Letting go of his arm, you turned to the cabinets, opening one of them and pulling out a small, white bottle with a red cap, along with some white, fluffy balls.

Rin felt his heart stop. The color drained from his face.

How could he be this stupid?

You took one cotton ball and opened the bottle, carefully drenching the ball with the antiseptic. You turned back to him, taking notice of his current state. You chuckled at the sight.

"Hey, it's just antiseptic, okay? It's not going to sting since you don't have any cuts."

He pulled his arm towards him, as he tried to get off the stretcher. To his surprise, you pushed him back, forcing him to stay seated. You had a serious look on your face, which the man had never seen before. He was taken aback by your reaction, and was too stressed to even think of a way out.

"Rin Itoshi, this is not my first rodeo with patients who try to run away. Stay seated and let me clean."

Rin Itoshi was already planning his funeral.

The only thing left for him to do was to look away, because he sure as hell was not going to look at you. He felt like he did not deserve to, losing all staring privileges from the minute he sat down on your stretcher. Drops of sweat were trickling down his face, and his knee was rapidly bouncing up and down from the anxiety.

You took the soaked cotton ball and warily brushed his skin with it, puzzled as to why there was purple on the ball. You continued to drag the ball onto his skin, seeing as how the purple hues on his skin were magically gone with each swipe. You held in your laughter as you discarded the now purple cotton ball into the trash, then turning to look at Rin, who was too embarrassed to even meet your gaze.

"Look, Itoshi! The antiseptic was so good it took the whole bruise away with it!" you joked, with the hope of lightening up the mood.

The man's gaze was fixated onto the ground.

"...I'm sorry. Sorry I made you waste your time."

You offered him a smile, explaining how there was no time wasted, as you liked spending time with him, and how you got excited whenever he stopped by. Finally, his gaze met yours as his eyes gleamed with happiness, as he was genuinely pleased that his moment of ridicule had not been in vain. Your fingers intertwined themselves with his, and his fingers were damp from how scared he was. Not that you minded, though, as you had a front row seat to see how Rin's 'marvelous' plan failed miserably.

"I like seeing you, Yn. It's just... I don't... I don't know how..."

"If you're up for it, we can go to the coffee shop that's a few blocks down from here! My shift ends in 20 minutes, so..."

He nodded in response, his pale face now turning into a subtle shade of pink. He got up from the stretcher, stumbling towards the door from his nervousness. As he opened it he turned around, taking in your beauty one last time before he left.

"See you in 20?"

You smiled, "See you in 20, Itoshi."

He closed the door shut and you sighed in relief, grateful that the bruise on his arm was not actually real. You wondered if his bruise had to do with his coursework, as you had received a text from your friend who also majored in film, with them telling you that their group assignment was based on prosthetics.

Your pondering got cut short as you heard a loud scream, presumably from a guy, as well as some muffled yelling and threats. A few seconds later, the door opened to reveal Rin, with a small streak of blood running down his nostril, and a soccer ball in his hands.

"This time it's real, I promise."

[uvobreakmylegs]

Chosen

basically the Amateur Night section from the movie V/H/S but with more wlw

vampire! Machi x female! reader

💕Happy Valentine's Day💕

Warnings: creepy behavior, allusions to noncon/dubcon, implied death, implied violence, manipulation, mind control

Word count: 5.3k

You wanted to talk to her.

She sat next to you at the table, and you couldn't help the way your eyes would continuously go over to her, taking in different things about her appearance every time you would steal a glance. Her pink hair that was kept up in a ponytail was one of the first things you noted, followed by the pretty shade of blue of her eyes and the pale shade of her lipstick. The dark purple dress she was wearing suited her, though you had to wonder if the high collar of the garment made things uncomfortable given the rather humid air in the bar. Although she seemed comfortable enough, so it must not have been an issue for her.

You really wanted to talk to her.

Unfortunately, the current situation you found yourself in wasn't allowing that to happen. Not very easily.

A hand brushed against your shoulder, and your attention was brought back to the guy who was sitting way closer than you liked, crowding you in so you had no easy way out.

“You sure you don't want a drink?” he asked over the music in the bar.

“I've got a drink,” you answered, smiling as you lifted up the glass that you were careful not to let out of your sight.

“Then how about shots?”

“Nah, no thanks.”

“Aw, don't be boring.”

“I'm good,” you cheerfully reiterated, adding “maybe one of your friends will do it.”

“But I want you to do it.”

You laughed, trying your best to keep your annoyance hidden as he continued to push for you to drink more.

You didn't like this guy at all.

You wouldn't be sitting with him were it not for the fact that he and one of his friends had managed to effectively trap you where you were sitting: the two men came up on either side of the table where you were sitting and asked if the other seats were taken in the same moment that they sat down next to you. Since you had foolishly picked an area where the seats were right up against the wall, you couldn't get out without them moving out of the way.

And it was very clear that the guy sitting next to you didn't intend on leaving you alone.

Despite being in a crowded bar, you didn't feel safe trying to bring attention to your predicament. The conflict-averse part of you felt it was better to try and get out of this without causing a scene, so you smiled and pretended to entertain him while you waited for your opportunity to get away.

You thought you found your opportunity when the one on the other side of you got up to get himself a drink, and you kept the guy next to you distracted as you subtly collected your purse into your lap, ready to make a quick exit.

That was when she showed up.

The duo of men were actually a trio, and their third came sauntering up to the table with her, telling her to take the seat next to you. He tried to place his hand on her lower back but stopped when she gave him a sharp glare that made him back off, holding up his hands in mock surrender while she slid in next to you.

You could've asked her to move – tell that to her and this new guy before they settled in. And surely she would have no issue complying even if it would annoy the two men.

But after taking one look at her, you decided not to.

Instead, you said nothing as she sat down. And after the two of you made eye contact, you smiled and introduced yourself.

She nodded in response before giving you her name – Machi.

You couldn't explain it at all, why you decided to stay. There was something else, something about her that drew you in. What it was exactly you couldn't quite pinpoint; at best all you could say was that she had a certain aura about her that mystified you that part of you wanted to describe as being otherworldly, and that was enough to have you wishing that you could know more.

But so far the only words that the two of you had managed to exchange were your initial greetings, as the two guys that were now blocking both of you in were eager to have you drink your fill while they chatted you up. It looked pretty obvious to you where they were hoping this would go: you and Machi going home with them while being too inebriated to offer much in terms of resistance. That was the sense you got from the way the looked at you two and how the guy next to you – did he say his name was Jeremy? – kept finding reasons to put his hands on you. You felt your skin burning every time he touched you, but you fought the urge to push him away.

That was what you got for going out to a bar alone.

But maybe you and Machi could get out of this together.

You glanced over to her again while Jeremy was talking about something, and you found that she appeared just as disinterested in the man sitting next to her – his name might have been Glen – as she had been when he first herded her over here. Her eyes were still on the drink that he had placed in front of her earlier – that she had yet to even touch – and she wasn't giving him much of a reaction to anything he said. Her responses were generally short.

That didn't seem to dissuade him much, and you glanced over a short while later just in time to see him reaching for her hand.

She turned her head away from you to face him, and you could only assume that she was glaring at him again as he backed off immediately, once more holding his hands up in mock surrender.

Though you couldn't help but notice that the smile that accompanied that gesture seemed a lot more forced now.

That could be bad.

You needed to bring your attention back to Jeremy as you heard him speaking to you again.

“What do you think you'll be doing once you're done here?” he asked you.

“I'm not sure,” you answered.

He grinned as he leaned in closer, saying “we rented a room not far from here. You should come with us; we'll have more drinks.”

Oh fuck no

“I don't know,” you said, “I'm not sure how much more drinking I want to do tonight.”

“You're being boring again.”

“They're both being boring,” Glen chimed in, pointing to Machi's drink as he added “she hasn't touched what I got her at all.”

“I don't like it,” Machi told him.

“Why didn't you tell me earlier?”

“You didn't ask.”

Sensing that his friend was losing his patience, Jeremy cut in.

“You should drink it anyway. It's polite,” he told her.

“See? You're outvoted two to one. You should take a sip,” Glen said.

"No."

At that point, you felt compelled to step in as well.

“I agree with Machi. She doesn't need to drink it if she doesn't want to,” you said.

“Oh, come on! You're not supposed to team up against us,” Jeremy told you in a teasing tone.

“Then you shouldn't be giving us a reason to team up in the first place,” you said. Your tone had been just as light, and the slightly awkward moment ended when the third guy of their friend group (who you had almost managed to completely forget about) came back and Glen handed him Machi's untouched drink. He seemed a bit confused for a second before eventually wandering off with it.

Jeremy had never lost his good spirits, but you couldn't help but notice the way Glen glared at you, and you immediately didn't feel good. You didn't like the thought of staying around him any longer than you needed to.

Machi was quiet again, though the two of you managed to make eye contact again, at which you smiled at her.

She gave you a brief, small nod, seemingly as a way to quietly thank you.

It continued like that, Jeremy becoming subtly but increasingly insistent on you drinking more with him. All you could do was politely laugh it off. Meanwhile there was a one-sided conversation going on between Machi and Glen, who was doing all of the talking while she didn't even make an attempt to pretend to be interested in what he was saying. And then the third guy returned to the table for a brief moment without the drink he'd been handed before, but quickly went back out onto the floor, wandering towards another woman who seemed to be on her own.

You had no clue how long things stayed like this, though the moment felt never-ending.

Jeremy leaned in towards you suddenly, and the way he encroached on your space forced you to back away. Unfortunately, you ended up scooting right up against Machi.

“Ah- sorry,” you said to her.

She shrugged, saying “it's alright.”

Despite the minimal interaction between you two, Glen seemed to get annoyed by it, telling her “you've been talking to her more than you've been talking to me. What's up with that?”

“You haven't been saying anything all that interesting,” Machi told him.

“So that's why you're ignoring me?”

She shrugged.

“Why are you even here if all you're going to do is act like a bitch?” he asked.

“Weren't you the one who dragged me over here?” she asked in response.

He didn't say anything in response to that, but you could tell now that he was getting angry. Even Jeremy seemed worried about where the interaction was going to go, staying quiet while trying to silently tell his friend to stop whatever he was thinking.

You chose then to interject once more, clapping your hands to get everyone's attention.

“Hey! I changed my mind,” you said aloud, turning to Jeremy as you said “I'll do shots as long as everyone else does. Why don't you and your friend go get some for us?”

“…. Uh, yeah, okay.”

Jeremy stood and signaled for Glen to go with him. And after a few seconds, he reluctantly left his seat, walking away with his friend towards the crowded bar to collect the drinks. With them at the bar and the third guy whose name you still didn't know at the other side of the room talking to the same woman you saw him approaching earlier, it was just you and Machi now.

You turned to her as you said “I think he's getting really mad at you.”

She looked over to you before simply replying with a “I noticed.”

“Aren't you worried? What if he tries to do something?” you asked.

“He can try but it won't make much difference.”

“And besides,” she added, “he won't dare to do anything while we're here. Not unless he wants everyone in here to come down on him.”

“But you won't have that safety if he gets you alone,” you pointed out.

“I know.”

If she knew that, then why wasn't she leaving?

Before you were able to say anything along those lines, Machi beat you to it as she said “you should probably head off before they come back.”

Looking back to where the men were standing, she was right that now was a good time to escape. There appeared to be some sort of hold-up at the bar as there were a lot of people clustered around there now; no doubt the poor bartenders were desperately trying to get through all the drink orders quickly to avoid any potential verbal abuse from the patrons who would likely get angry if their order took too long. Jeremy and Glen were still in the same place, both men straining their necks to look over the people in front of them. And the third guy was still talking to that woman, though she was looking increasingly uncomfortable as he leaned in closer to her.

If you wanted to leave without incident, now was your chance.

“Like you said, things could get bad if we end up alone,” Machi added, “I doubt you want to get caught up in that.”

…. She was telling you to leave.

But she'd be staying?

After a moment, you shook your head.

“I don't want to leave yet,” you said.

Machi's gaze narrowed as she looked at you.

“There's no way you're actually interested in either of them,” she said.

“How can you tell?”

“Because I've been feeling the way you cringe every time that one touches you. Unless you like torturing yourself, you have no reason to stay here,” Machi said.

“I have a reason,” you replied.

“And what's that?”

“I don't want to leave you alone with them.”

Machi only raised an eyebrow at you.

You continued, saying “I'm really worried about you now. I don't get why you aren't leaving yourself, but after seeing the way that guy looked at you, I don't feel good at the thought of leaving you alone with him.”

“So you're staying because you're worried about me,” she stated.

You nodded.

She didn't look impressed.

“That's nice of you, I guess, but you should really just leave. Despite how it might look, I can handle those idiots. I don't need someone to look after me,” she told you.

The tone in her voice indicated that she was annoyed with you.

Despite that, you decided to persist, cutting in before she spoke again.

“I'm sorry,” you said, “I'm not trying to annoy you, and I'm definitely not trying to belittle you or anything. I am really worried about what those guys might try to do to you, but that isn't the only reason why I'm staying.”

Machi's expression remained flat as she asked “what's the other reason?”

You ran your fingernail along the side of your glass, leaving marks in the condensation. It was nerve-wracking to try and build up the courage to admit that you were interested in her. After all, she didn't seem impressed with anyone around her; why would she ever be interested in you?

But you might as well shoot your shot, right?

“You seem really interesting and I'd like to get to know you,” you answered.

“Get to know me?” she asked.

“Like a one-on-one over a cup of coffee sometime. Or something else if that's what you'd prefer. Whatever would suit you best.”

You felt the heat building up in your cheeks as you said that and you couldn't make eye contact with her. Just how embarrassed did you look right now?

“….. Oh.”

From the way she said that, it seemed like she understood what you meant, and when you glanced over, you found that she looked a bit surprised at your confession. Machi then looked back to the empty surface of the table in front of her, and you followed suit by turning your gaze to the glass in your hands.

She wasn't upset, was she?

The two of you remained quiet for a few moments within the noisy atmosphere of the bar. The men weren't back yet. Their third was still desperately talking to that poor woman, but the ones who seemed most interested in you and Machi were nowhere to be seen. Though it felt like it was only a matter of time before they came back and you two would be trapped by them again.

In a perfect world, you and Machi would ditch those three and go somewhere else.

It seemed like that might be what ended up happening, as Machi was staying quiet. While she didn't seem as irritated as she had earlier, her reaction didn't necessarily point to anything positive for you.

There wasn't much to be done if she wasn't interested. If that was the case, the best thing you could do was make yourself scarce like she'd been telling you to do.

“I can leave you alone, though,” you said, “I understand if that's what you want.”

You realized after you spoke that your voice had been a bit too quiet in the loud space of the bar and you would likely need to repeat yourself if you wanted to be heard.

But somehow she did hear you as she answered “I don't know now.”

You blinked.

“You don't know?” you asked, confused.

“I don't know if I want you to leave me alone or not.”

“Oh.”

That was a good sign, right? Ah, crap. You'd never felt so flustered around someone else before this.

“I guess it's a bit surprising you'd say that when I've got that one guy hovering around me,” she said.

“I probably wouldn't have if it wasn't for the fact that you really hate him,” you answered.

“I don't hate him; he's not worth hating,” she replied.

“But you don't like him.”

“No.”

Your eyebrows furrowed as you said “I really don't understand why you're hanging around these guys. Why?”

She dodged the question, answering with “we're discussing you, remember?”

“You're not even trying to hide the fact that you're avoiding my question,” you said.

“Nope.”

Machi's tapped her fingers on the table as she asked “still want to get to know me?”

“Yeah,” you answered without hesitation.

“You're weird,” she said.

You shrugged.

“I'll take weird. Being weird isn't always that bad,” you said.

“There are things that are worse than being weird,” she agreed, before adding “but I'm not sure why you're so interested in me.”

Probably not a good idea to word-vomit everything you'd been thinking about her. Probably better to say something that made at least a little bit of sense.

“I feel like we might work really well together,” you said.

She hummed.

“Based on what?” Machi asked.

“A hunch.”

It wasn't a great reason, but you couldn't think of anything other than that.

But you noticed the way Machi blinked after you said that.

And then, after a moment, she surprised you when she smiled to herself.

“Did I say something funny?” you asked.

“A little bit."

"Funny in a good way or a bad way?"

"A good way,” Machi answered.

She leaned her head against her hand as she said “I think I'd like to learn more about you, too.”

You felt your heart flutter as she said that and you smiled back at her.

If only that moment wasn't ruined by Glen and Jeremy returning to the table, carrying two small glasses each that were placed down in front of you while they apologized for the hold up. One of those glasses was slid across the surface of the table in front of you, and Jeremy told you to drink up.

Crap. You'd managed to forget how the excuse you'd used to get them away from you. After explicitly asking for drinks, there'd be a bad reaction if you refused them. You glanced over to Machi and found that the pleasant look on her face from earlier was gone, her lips once more set in a small frown. Yet she still picked up the glass that had been given to her. When she noticed you looking at her, she gave you a small nod. So she felt you should drink?

You felt better about it, then. You weren't about to trust Jeremy or his friends, but you could trust Machi.

The alcohol burned as it went down your throat, and the two men laughed at you when you made a face after swallowing it. Some water would've been nice to wash the taste out.

Machi's hand lightly touched your shoulder as she asked if you were alright, and you nodded, making a comment about how you didn't care much for the taste.

Glen seemed to be in a better mood now, which made you feel a bit better. Though with the return of the two men, you were now in the same predicament you'd been in before: unable to leave without causing some sort of issue with them, which by now you definitely didn't want to do. While it was nice to know that Machi was also a little interested in you, you didn't know how the two of you could ditch them. Especially with Machi being weird about her motives. You couldn't even ask about that now with the two of them crowding around you.

Hopefully you could figure something out.

The return to the situation you'd been stuck in for the past half-hour didn't last very long. At the other end of the bar, you heard a woman scream, and like everyone else in the room, your head turned to see the cause of the cry just in time to see a woman slapping that unnamed third guy across the face while yelling some choice words at him.

The two men with you reacted immediately. Glen got up to head to their third's rescue while Jeremy stood and hurriedly told the two of you “we should leave before they kick us out.”

“But we haven't done anything,” you said.

“Yeah, but you're with us,” he answered.

You were ready to argue with him on that point; every part of you was ready to throw him under the bus if just so you could finally get away from them, but Machi stopped you before you could say anything, tapping your shoulder to get your attention.

Looking you in the eye, she said “let's go with him.”

Within an instant all thoughts of arguing with Jeremy went out the window, and you blankly nodded with her suggestion.

There were more raised voices as you got up, and it sounded as though several people were becoming angry and possibly aggressive – you couldn't say for sure, however. You were only focused on the feeling of Machi's hand in yours as the both of you followed the guy out of the bar.

The skin of her palm and fingers felt slightly calloused, you idly thought.

When you snapped back to reality, you and Machi were on the sidewalk standing next to a car. Looking around revealed that Jeremy was heading back to the bar, where it sounded a lot louder now. Had things escalated inside?

All the more reason to leave now.

Turning back towards Machi, whose hand was still in yours, you asked “neither of us like those guys, right?”

She nodded.

“Then why don't we run really fast and get away before they get here?”

“I don't think you can run right now,” she said.

“Then we can walk really fast,” you replied.

Machi smiled a little, but shook her head.

You frowned.

“Did you mean it when you said that you wanted to learn about me?” you asked.

“Yeah, I did,” Machi said.

“Then why-”

“I need to do something first,” she said, “but after I'm done with them, we can ditch them for good.”

You didn't get a chance to ask what she needed them for, because her hand went to cup your cheek and her eyes looked into yours as she spoke again. For some reason, you felt as though you were taking in the information, yet you couldn't hear it. The words were connecting with some part of your subconscious as opposed to your mind; all your brain could focus on was the touch of her skin on yours, the pretty shade of blue of her eyes and the color of her lipstick.

Things that didn't involve Machi were hard to make out now. Your vision was fuzzy and it felt like you had cotton stuffed into your ears, the voices of other people that were also leaving the bar being hard to make out.

But every time Machi spoke, you could hear her clearly. Like when you were ushered into a car by the three men – when did they come back? – and you vaguely felt a hand on your back that shoved you across the seat, you heard her voice loud and clear as she firmly said “don't hit her.”

There was a car ride. Where the men were situated in the car you had no idea. But Machi sat next to you in the back seat, between you and one of the men. Sitting up began to feel strenuous, and you ended up with your cheek resting on her shoulder.

Her hand was still on your arm, reassuring you with soft touches, and you felt better.

By the time the car trip ended, you were having difficulty standing, and Machi needed to help you up the stairs of what appeared to be the upper level of a cheap motel. With the area being relatively quiet, you could hear now that the men were laughing, though their conversations were harder to make out.

The scenery changed again, and now you were inside a poorly lit motel room equipped with two beds that, under normal circumstances, you wouldn't want to even touch. But you didn't protest when Machi led you to one of them and laid you down on top of it, the scratchy bed cover not enough to keep you from the sleep that was now forcing you to close your eyes.

One of the men took issue with that, and you had enough awareness to know when he slapped you across the face. Yet that didn't manage to rouse you.

It felt like whoever had slapped you was about to do it again only to be abruptly stopped.

And then you heard her speak once more before blacking out completely.

“I said don't hit her.”

You didn't recognize the bedroom you woke up in.

After opening your eyes and blearily looking about the room for a few moments, that realization had you sitting upright, looking over yourself while trying to recall your last memory.

Your clothes were still on, so that was a good sign. But when it came to remembering everything that had happened, it became a little more spotty.

You'd been out at a bar. By yourself, which was a dumb move on your part since you attracted a trio of pests. Then you met Machi. You two managed to talk and it seemed like she might like you at least a little. And then you both were outside of the bar at some point.

After that….. Nothing.

You had no memory of what had happened after, where you'd gone from there or how you ended up in a darkened bedroom that seemed slightly cluttered. It was clearly morning, though, if the bits of light coming through the small spaces of the blinds were to be believed.

Where was Machi?

You only needed to look to the side of the bed that you hadn't checked to learn the answer to that. She lay next to you, facing away so all you really saw was messy pink hair sticking out from beneath the covers. But you must have made enough noise when you woke up because she turned towards you moments later, sitting up as well as she said “hey.”

“Hey,” you answered.

“Are you feeling alright?” she asked.

“Yeah, I think,” you said.

“I've got painkillers if you need any,” Machi said.

You didn't answer at first, distracted by the sight of her with her hair down, though you eventually remembered to reply as you said “I'm okay, but thanks.”

You sounded a bit distant, and she seemed to pick up on that.

“Something wrong?” she asked.

“Ah, I guess I'm just a little weirded out that I don't remember much of what happened last night,” you admitted.

“Maybe you drank too much.”

You didn't feel like that was the case, but you couldn't think of anything else. Or maybe it had something to do with the alcohol those guys had gotten for you.

Oh, right. Those three.

“What happened to those guys?” you asked her.

“They were at that motel last I saw,” Machi answered.

“But we're not at the motel.”

“No, this is my place.”

“But how did we end up here?” you asked.

“They were barely in a better state than you,” she said, “I slipped out with you once I saw a good opportunity.”

“Oh. Okay.”

They must have been more shitfaced than you realized. Didn't you get into a car with one of them driving? That was a bit more scary to think about, what might have happened if they were really that inebriated.

Luckily you were here now.

Then you added “thanks for taking me with you. I hope it wasn't too much trouble to drag me around with you.”

“It wasn't. But if you feel bad, you can make it up to me by having that one-on-one conversation you want over breakfast,” she said.

“Sounds good to me.”

With that, both of you were prompted to leave the bed, and as Machi made her way towards the bedroom door, instinct had you pulling the covers back over once you were standing, wanting to have the bed looking somewhat presentable at the very least.

Didn't you end up on a different bed at first last night?

You paused as bits and pieces came back to mind. An uncomfortable bed with an equally uncomfortable sheets. Raised voices. A scuffle.

Blood.

… When did that happen?

Machi called out to you, and you turned to her.

“Did you get hurt last night?” you asked.

“No.”

Her tone was nonchalant.

You questioned her again as you asked “did I get hurt?”

“No.”

“…. That's weird.”

“What is?”

“I feel like I remember seeing a lot of blood at one point,” you said.

Spattered across the floor and dripping down the walls, almost everything in sight coated in red. Even you – you could feel it sticking to the exposed parts of your skin, on your face, and you accidentally got a taste when you ran your tongue over your lips. It didn't feel good, and the smell in the air was overwhelming, like the particles were clogging up your nose. You made a move to get up from the bed you were laying on, wanting to leave.

Someone set their sights on you as soon as you did that.

“You didn't see any blood last night; you probably just had a nightmare,” Machi told you.

Ah. That made sense. After all, you'd looked over yourself when you woke up, and you would've noticed if there had been any blood on you. But it was just a nightmare, so it was better not to dwell on it.

That was such a weird thing to dream about, though.

You were walking towards her when another thought came to mind, that question that she'd avoided answering.

“Hey, you never told me what it was you wanted from those three. Why did you need to go with them?” you asked.

Machi waited until you had reached her, and this time she held out her hand to cup your cheek, her blue eyes staring directly into yours.

Blue eyes stared down at you from where you lay on the bed, a hand resting lightly on your chest as she pushed you back down. There was a groaning coming from behind her on the second bed, and if you were able to tear your gaze away from her, you might have seen the figures that were sprawled across it.

But you were too focused on everything about her: her hand traveling up to stroke your hair, the pretty shade of blue of her eyes and the deep red color that now covered her lips and dripped down from her mouth.

“It isn't important, so don't ask about it again,” Machi told you.

Within a moment, all of those thoughts were locked away into the deepest recesses of your mind, willed to never surface for as long as possible. You smiled at her as you cheerfully told her “okay!”

There was warmth in your heart when you saw that soft smile of hers once more.

[cripplecharacters]

I searched your blog and didn't find this, so if it's already been answered I'm sorry!

I'm writing a character who has photosensitive epileptic seizures and I was wondering if you have any tips on describing the experience of having a seizure?

My sister has them so I know what hers look like, but I've never had an epileptic seizure myself. Is it a painful experience? Is it more like fainting? What does the post-ictal phase feel like?

I know seizures can look different for everyone so rest assured this will not be my only source :)

Hello!

You're right that seizures are different for everyone, especially considering how many different types of seizures there are.

My last (Confirmed) seizure was several years ago. I have had some... "episodes" (For lack of a better term) that we're unsure if they were seizures or something else more recently but I'll be answering this with my confirmed seizures in mind.

I has epilepsy as a child and mostly had grand-mal/tonic-clonic seizures from what I've been told. For me, I experienced an aura anywhere from 5-10 minutes before the "main" seizure itself. This aura was usually a strange feeling in my head (Almost a tightness or pressure but feeling very loose as well? It's difficult to explain) with a rubbery taste in my mouth.

I can't say much about when the "main" seizure was actually happening as, for me, I wasn't really aware during it.

As somebody who faints... embarrassingly often, however, I can say confidently that it doesn't feel like fainting (At least for me). With fainting, I can feel myself starting to 'go' (My ears begin to ring and I feel almost like I'm fading out) and then I faint and it feels like I wake up almost instantly, even when it's been several minutes. For my seizures, it felt more like a blurred passage of time. I was an aware to an extent, I think, but not in the way it's usually defined (As being aware of your surroundings), it just wasn't like I was unconscious/asleep.

For me, I hated the postictal period the most. My seizures were usually accompanied by a loss of control over my bladder and would occasionally make me... not throw up, really, but almost spit up a bit. I'd usually wake up feeling incredibly tired and grumpy and usually ended up crying. The crying wasn't tied to any particular feeling, it was more of a physical response. And though I can now acknowledge that it's nothing to be embarrassed about, as a kid it was all pretty humiliating for me.

Just as a side note, my boyfriend also has seizures currently but not from epilepsy. I've been with him during his periods after the seizure before and he usually ends up acting like a kid, for lack of a better term. He cries a lot and is very disoriented but he's also very easily distracted. There have been several occasions where he's played with my keys for a few minutes before he comes back to it. He doesn't experience the same grumpiness and deep exhaustion that I did, though he has said that they make him feel very sleepy.

Although I didn't find the seizures themselves to be painful at all, there were several occasions where I ended up hurting myself during one. Usually this was hitting my head when I fell or during the actual jerking of the seizure but there have been other times when I had bruises or sore muscles afterwards. Given how young I was when I was having these kinds of seizures, I don't fully recall how the sore muscles/injuries felt as they didn't have as much of an impact on me as the seizures themselves.

After a seizure, I'd end up sleeping for anywhere from a couple hours to the rest of the day. I think part of it was the emotional exhaustion of a seizure while another part was the physical.

Now, I did speak a lot about the grand-mal seizures I experienced but I did also (And actually may still) have absence seizures as well.

A few years ago my seizures came back briefly and, despite my neurologist's best efforts, we couldn't figure out why. I'm not entirely sure how to classify them now but I was mostly aware during them and, from what's been described to me, my head was nodding up and down (To the point where it was all the way back), my eyes were rolled up into my head, and my eyelids were fluttering. I didn't experience any of the side-effects of my grand-mal seizures (Ex: Peeing myself, spitting up, crying, etc.) during these and I also don't know if I fell or not because when I had them, I was generally sitting down somewhere.

During these, my vision was flashes of colour/shapes and just generally what you'd expect from having your eyes rolled up and your eyelids fluttering. I was still aware that things were happening around me but I couldn't really process it the same way. I could hear people speaking but couldn't understand what they were saying.

You did mention looking into other sources for this and I'd definitely recommend doing that. These are just my (And, briefly, my boyfriend's) experiences and there are so many different experiences of seizures and epilepsy in general.

Cheers,

~ Mod Icarus

Hi lovely asker!

I have absence seizures and myoclonic ones so I'll add on my two cents as well (Cover more of the seizure spectrum here 😁).

For absence seizures for me its mostly just a complete blank space of time. There's one moment where I'm walking, talking, doing whatever and then the next thing I know I look around and usually like 30-ish seconds has past. If I was having a conversation and the person I'm talking to kept talking, I'm not aware of any of what they said when I was having the seizure. It's kinda like someone turns my brain off for a quick restart and then turns it back on again.

If there is nothing physical around me indicating of a passage of time. (Ex. Someone talking, I looked at the clock right before it happened, any living object that moves around) then I most likely won't know I had the seizure. Sometimes I have a little feeling because I often get headaches leading up to my absence seizures but other than that they're painless and more so there is that panic feeling of losing track of time. I'm usually just disoriented because of that sudden missing frame of time. I'll kinda look around, try to get my bearings, see what happened, if anything's changed etc.

Myoclonic ones really depend on how aggressive they are. They can be big (a whole side of my body will twitch) or itty bitty baby ones (my fingers twitch or I can feel certain muscles twitching). Kinda like with Tonic-Clonic seizures, all the muscles involved will contract on me and it's painful. Often times they're more annoying and frustrating than painful (trying to eat breakfast one time and let's just say my eggs ended up across the room).

They can cause my legs to jerk too which if I'm walking will make me just suddenly fall as my legs give out. Sometimes they can just happen as one, or they can cluster and that means that multiple happen in a row. When they cluster, they're often more painful because my muscles are contracting so many times. If I fall like I mention I often hurt myself because I just completely fall to the ground (not like fainting, I'm conscious and alert and I can move my arms and torso, it's usually just my legs that are the problem.)

Leading up to my myoclonic seizures sometimes I get really really really bad tremors that worsen with movement to the point where If it's my legs then I can't stand or walk (trusty old wheelchair). And if it's my upper body than my hands have very little use to me so things like eating, changing (buttons my enemy), writing, and pressing buttons is very hard to do (also I will add that I just have very clumsy dexterity in general so the tremors certainly don't help but yeah XD)

For all my seizures in general I get very light sensitive afterwards and my lovely doctors and nurses have told me it's because my pupils get completely blown and then constrict and they do this rapidly and it's often paired with nystagmus. So my Post-ictal is usually more just being sore, my head hurts, my eyes are very sensitive and usually the nystagmus is what lingers on the longest.

For tonic-clonic seizures (which I won't go into much because Icarus already did) they're the most painful for me and it usually hurts to move afterwards. I usually start to mumble and can't talk when they're about to happen it's just a lot of "um's" and "uh" and I can't form any words. I start to rub my hands over my body because my skin gets this tingly feeling, and I start to kinda look around frantically because again my anxiety does no help. During the seizure I'm usually in and out of consciousness so it's black and then I'll hear or see something for a split moment and then black again and yeah so on and so forth but I can remember bits and pieces (that I'm conscious for that is). Everything usually sounds really far away like I'm under water and my vision of what I can see is very blurry and there is usually like ten of the same person.

Very rarely i've stopped breathing during my Tonic-Clonic and with those they're usually not as painful (don't ask me why) but they are. Granted that initial struggle to breath again is a bit jarring but in my opinion these are a lot more traumatizing for the people around me than me myself.

Alrighty, hopefully this is of some help lovely person! As Icarus said this varies very wildly person to person and seizure to seizure so yeah. Have fun writing!

~ Mod Virus 🌸

[nervoushottee]

Illicit Affairs | Steve Harrington x Fem!Reader

Summary: You wish you were enough for Steve, but he will always want Nancy. 

Warnings: cheating trope, reader is the other woman, Steve is a cheater, angstttt, very minimal sexual themes, drinking

Note: hey hottees! Back with another Steve fic! Was in the mood for some angsty Steve drama and wrote this in one sitting a few nights ago so there limited editing. Hope you enjoy!

Series Masterlist

(To get into the mood of the story, it helps to listen to Illicit Affairs by Taylor Swift while reading)

You wish you could see this part of him more often than you do. You wish that you could do this during the day instead of the middle of night. You lay in his bed, still naked underneath the sheets from the actions a few hours prior. 

Steve sleeps next to you, snoring softly in the middle of the night as you count the many freckles on up his arms and down his back. Tracing your thumb faintly against his bottom lip, feeling the breath against your skin as he sleeps. He looks peaceful, serene and happy as he holds you tighter in his arms. 

It shouldn’t have gone this way, it shouldn’t have gone like this. You shouldn’t be the other woman who sneaks glances and short kisses. You didn’t want these moments only to be seen behind closed doors. 

When Steve kissed you that night during the small bonfire party. You thought that was it, you thought you and Steve were finally going to be something. The constant push and pull between you both. From the King Steve days before Nancy and after her. From your few exes that all turned to regret and dumb decisions. From blind dates to one night stands in the end the two of you always find each other again. 

Steve was there to pick you up when you faked an emergency to get out of shitty dates. You comforted Steve when Nancy broke his heart. He held you in his arms when you got cheated on.  Best friends weren’t even the right term to describe it. You and Steve both knew it was more than that. Hell, even Robin could see it. 

So when everyone had run into Lovers Lake for a tipsy late night swim, you had got out early to warm up by the fire before going home. Steve saw you, gave you his dry sweatshirt and offered to drive you home. You declined but agreed to let him walk you to your car. 

The two of you talk like usual, not so subtly bumping into each other and staying as close as possible against each other as you walk. Steve makes a joke about not getting his precious hair wet when you ask him why he hadn’t gotten in the lake. It makes you laugh and push him away playfully. 

You get to the driver seat of your car and the two of you stand so close to each other. The moon and the stars watch you both in awe of your ¨will they or won't they¨. You could blame it on the one beer you had two hours before. Or the fact that it was getting late and you were pretty tired already. But you know that would be a lie. Something happened that night, something felt different in the air. Maybe it was Steve’s smile, or how he looked down at you with his eyes low. 

You forgot about everything rational and logical as you placed your wet hand on his cheek and kissed him. 

It was a quick ever so soft kiss.  

When you moved away you thought you would feel a pit in your stomach. A sense of regret from that small yet intimate gesture. But there was nothing there. No ounce of fear or embarrassment. And when you saw the small smile grow on Steve’s face, you knew he felt the same thing. 

He kissed you a lot harder. Both of his hands against your cheek as he presses his lips on yours. He tasted of chocolate and smoke. He was warm like the fire as he wraps his hands around your cold waist. The two of you stay that way for a minute or so before separating. With a smile you ask Steve if you’ll see him tomorrow, and instead of response, he simply kisses you again like it’s second nature. 

The drive home felt magical. The windows down, your hair still a bit wet from the lake as you drove home on the empty roads. You were happy and kissing Steve felt right and long overdue. 

You went to sleep that night with a smile on your face and woke up with one the next morning. It grew even wider when you heard the one, two, three knocks on your door. With a small skip in your step you open the door excitedly. That excitement goes away when you see Steve with his head down and his hands in his pockets. He looks up and tries to greet you with a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. You try to ask him if he’s okay but he dodges your question and asks if he can come in. Steve’s never forward with you. He comes to your house when he pleases and vice versa. He never needs an invite or a request. Despite the small ounce of worry forming in your stomach, you nod your head and Steve enters.  

He heads to your kitchen and puts both hands on the countertop. His back is towards you and his head leans down. It almost looks like he’s going to be sick with how he looks in front of your sink. 

“Is everything okay?” You ask shyly. 

Steve doesn’t respond immediately, which causes the worry to grow larger and larger with every silent second. Finally to your relief, Steve speaks. 

“After you left last night, Nancy talked to me about some things.” He tells you. His back still turned but his head raised as he looked out your small kitchen window. 

“Yeah?”, urging him to go on. The worry grows fiercely now when you hear “Nancy” leaving his lips.

He finally turns around to you, crossing his arms and leans back against the counter he was just hunching over. Despite seeing him now, his eyes don’t meet yours. He looks at his shoes, your fuzzy socks you wear at home, even the old kitchen tile. “She-uh” he scratches his eyebrow, a small thing he does when he’s nervous and hesitant. 

“What did she ask you out or something?” You say with a small laugh. You try to say it as a joke, but deep down it's a question you ask to finally put the worry to rest. But when Steve finally looks up at you immediately after you ask,  you know that your joke was his reality. Fuck. 

“She said that she wanted to try again. Asked if I wanted to.” Steve tells you softly. 

You try not to scoff at what you hear. Despite your worry and the big wave of heartbreak that’s about to rush over you if you know any better. You can’t help but go into bestfriend mode and get upset about Nancy acting like Steve still doesn’t love her. That he wouldn't sit and roll over if she asked him to. The many years you’ve been friends with Steve, you’ve never seen him love someone has fiercely and wholeheartedly as he does with Nancy. Despite them being apart you know Steve would prefer it a different way. 

You force the anger down your throat  like a large pill and try to keep the many emotions you feel from surfacing.“And what did you say?” You ask him quietly. 

He doesn’t speak again, but he doesn’t have to. His eyes tell you all you need to know. It’s filled with guilt and apologies. Filled with a need to hold you and kiss you all the same.

 “Oh.” you respond. Instinctively,  your arms wrap around your waist as best as they can. In an attempt to comfort yourself. You try to force the tears away as you blink at them harshly. 

“I understand.” You tell him. And you do. You know that you didn’t stand a chance against Nancy Wheeler. She was beautiful, smart, kind and determined. Who wouldn’t want to be with her? You knew if Steve was ever given the option to try again with Nancy. If he was with another girl or guy and she wanted to give it another go, he’d say yes in a heartbeat. So what made you any different?

You didn’t notice that you were  crying until Steve pointed it out, walking to you quickly to wipe them away from your cheek. You should push him away. You should tell him to go to Nancy and that you will be fine. That the kiss from last night was because you were drinking and alcohol made you feel warm and affectionate. But you didn’t, you let him wrap his arms around you and kiss your head repeatedly. You let him tell you soft praises of comfort as he slowly rocks you both, back and forth. And you let him kiss you in the middle of your kitchen. Your lips wet with tears as you hold on fiercely on the bottom of his shirt. 

That was one of the first many nights of his affair with you. Of you being the only woman. There were no rules or decisions made of how it was going to be. The two of you just fell into a rhythm of loving each other quietly. Steve would come to you in the middle of the night with a knock on your door. You would use the key hidden beneath the daisy plant and slip inside his bed next to him. 

Nancy never slept over at Steve’s, he would only spend the night at hers. You don’t know why you had asked the question one night after hours of ecstasy and bliss. The sweat on your skin slowly drying from laying together naked in the sheets. Steve’s fingers tracing up and down against your back when he tells you. “I don’t let Nance in here. We don’t do anything here.”

Meaning he doesn’t have sex with her here. She doesn’t moan his name like you do against his sheets. She doesn’t sleep in the spot you’ve marked as your own in his bed. She doesn’t wake up in the middle of night to use his bathroom or place her toothbrush in the same spot you leave yours. You don’t know if his confession makes you feel better or worse. Because you know it will happen sooner or later. 

And one day, you’ll put an end to this. One day you’ll stop. Because you know it's not fair.  

Not to you or to Steve or even Nancy. But you know the day you tell Steve to choose, that you’re not going to like his answer. You won't be his first choice. You never were. And if you hear him say it, it will all feel too real. You don’t think you’d  have the heart to stay around any of them after that. Your heart is  shattered already and Steve is holding the pieces right in front of you with the glue in his pocket. 

So you tell yourself that you’ll ask him tomorrow. And then tomorrow comes and you put it off for the next day. And the cycle goes on and on and on and on because you only just got Steve.

You’re not ready to let him go just yet, even though he’s not really yours in the first place. 

[skitskatdacat63]

Fernando Alonso & His Relationship With Cards

I'm sure we're all familar with the cards on the back of Fernando's Vegas GP helmet by now, but did you know his relationship with cards goes a lot deeper?

I. Magic Tricks

You've probably seen or heard someone at least mention Fernando's propensity for card tricks. As far as I can tell he was doing them(publically) as far back as 2003 all the way to as recently as 2018. Even once performing a card trick, with a condom and a teddy bear(!??!?!??!!), in front of Valentino Rossi who said "How was that possible?"(x)

But how did this start? According to James Allen, "Fernando admits to having been heavily influenced by his grandfather, a mercurial figure, who taught him magic and card tricks, still one of his passions away from the race track."(x) And I'm not sure the validity of this one, because I couldn't find an actual source, but apparently he once said: "My parents are responsible for the two things I like doing most - driving and magic tricks. They bought me my first go-kart and a magician's kit."

In several interviews he described it as his hobby off track, and that he loved learning new tricks and surprising others in the garage with them! So clearly cards are pretty important to him both as a hobby but also to who he is as a person since they've been with him just as long as racing has.

II. Card Symbolism in His Helmets

This is the reason I originally made this post, but I thought I should also explain the origins of his card fascination first. As I said, we probably all remember the cards on the back of his helmet in Vegas, but did you know that wasn't the first time he had cards on the back of his helmet?

From 2008-2013, he used to have a pair of cards on the back of his helmets. The symbolisms of the cards themselves as well as the evolution of their design is really fascinating to me! Even more so with the recent development of the card choice in 2023.

Fernando said he wanted to reference his two titles in some way on the back of his helmet and after his friend sent him several ideas, he decided on having two cards(an ace of clubs and an ace of hearts, sometimes pictured with 05 and 06 on them as well), saying: "I picked the cloverleaf [the ace of clubs - Ed] to give me luck, but the only pity is that it doesn't have four leaves!"(X)

2008.

Here's the very first appearance of the cards! They're displayed flat, with the 05 and 06 clearly visible

2009.

Very similar to 2008, but with a slightly different design, and they're maybe a bit more straight with less shadow?

2010.

This is the first major change! I was sad they didn't have the years on them anymore, but then I realized they're sparkly to match with his signature lightning bolts on the top of the helmet!!

2011.

Honestly I'm still somewhat unsure if this is the actual 2011 helmet? It's pretty difficult to find clear photos of the back of helmets from older seasons. It's easiest to find them on replica sites or auction sites so I'm not 100%? But anyways, I like that this has the championship years on the underside of the cards

2012.

This is when I started getting weirdly emotional about the helmets. Do you see how they've progressed from being a centerpoint to being curled up and sad at the bottom of the helmet? Not listing the year anymore??

2013.

Same thoughts as 2012. And after this season, they cease to exist (just like his ferrari chair in the garage, WOAH CALLBACK), until cards make a reeappearance in his Vegas helmet, albeit in a different form

2013 Monaco(Honorable Mention):

For some reason 2013 helmets were easier to find proper pictures of, so I happened to witness this absolute beauty. The creativity of this helmet genuinely blows me away??? Wanting to keep the card motif, but making sure to incorporate it into the rest of the puzzle piece design?? Mwah! There was another special 2013 helmet but they didn't change the cards at all so I really applaud this one

2023 Las Vegas(The Return of The King):

The magnificent return! But look! The cards are different cards! Instead of being two aces, it's now an ace of hearts, a four of hearts(his driver number of course!) and, the, now iconic, representation of himself as a Joker. I literally could not believe my eyes when this helmet was released and I saw the Joker card, what a fucking silly old man....I really wonder if he felt nostalgic having cards on his helmet again or if he didn't think about it all and was just like, "ah cards because Vegas!!!"

III. Why Does This Matter?

*The rest of the post was factual, this is moreso my personal thoughts on the symbolism of the cards/designs

This post spawned from me recently watching the 2010 Bahrain gp and noticing "hey wait a minute...are those CARDS ON THE BACK OF HIS HELMET!?" It's a really tiny detail that's unfortunately covered up by the HANS device pretty much whenever he's wearing the helmet, so it's really difficult to spot! But I became fascinated with the fact that he had cards on his helmet before that recent helmet, and now here we are!

There's something to me about how the design of the cards evolves over the course of six seasons from the cards being front and center to being smaller, more folded up and closer to the bottom of the helmet. As I said, the 2012-2013 ones genuinely made me depressed because it feels, symbolically, like his hopes for getting another Ace are becoming more and more unlikely and falling away until they eventually fall falt and fade away entirely after 2013 and disappear for basically a decade.

But when they return? They're not the same cards! Instead of representing Fernando's championships, they now represent him as a person, displaying his driver number and his persona of being a Joker!! Though I do think it's interesting he happened to keep the Ace of Hearts, even though he talked more about the Ace of Clubs before. I'm not sure it's actually this deep in reality, but I like to think that it's him not letting his championships(and the lack thereof) define him, but rather letting who he is as a person shine and be the centerpoint instead! But on a sadder note, as @suzuki-ecstar said to me, maybe the Aces aren't there anymore because he's lost all hope for a chance at a third Ace entirely :(

[thesezombiestastelikeashes]

Normally I post about Dimension 20 on my main blog but a thing happened on Adventuring Party and I'm gonna talk about it

So watching through the Episode 2 Adventuring Party, something really amazing happened at 2:15 ish. And now I'm gonna talk about consent and content in Tabletop and how @quiddie and Izzy (and everyone else at the table) absolutely fucking nailed it

Edited because I cannot believe I spelled Aabria wrong so many damn times in a row I'm so sorry

Specifics below the cut for spoilers and content warning: parasites and squick

The notes for DMs (and players) to take away from this:

Look for soft no's, even if you know your players. Make space for a no, even if you are excited. Once the no has been said, move on and no complaining that someone's comfort level isn't the same as yours.

So Brennan asked a question about the parasites, Chipmunks, and bear in Adventuring Party to clarify if Chipmunks and Parasite were one in the same or different entities (it was just the chipmunks being massively fucked up)

Aabria, as DMs who put their entire heart and soul into making a campaign often do, went to start explaining the basis for the parasites (link to ribbon worms, very content warn, dead dove do not eat). The table reacted. Brennan does a very physical ick response, Erika's face was very "I am listening to something gross", while the rest of the table looked interested in that way nerds do when they don't know what they're walking into. And Izzy said "I want you to stop."

Aabria just said ok, told the camera/audience to google it, and they moved on.

And I wanna talk about what a baller move that is on Aabria and Izzy's parts. (And Quiddie if you see this please tell Izzy she's an inspiration and I adore her and all of the compliments)

So first and maybe least controversial: Aabria

-While giving the explanation of the fucked up thing she slows down her talking (I'm not sure if it was intentional but it seemed it so I'm gonna talk about it) Instead of rushing through the explanation the way people excited tend to do she said everything slowly, gave lots of pauses to be interrupted, and really took the time to let the party know what she was describing was icky

-While doing the describing, she looked around the table. Not just at the person with the biggest visual reaction, but you can watch her make the rounds with her eyes to look at everyone and make sure they all know she is still engaging with them and checking in on them

-Her "ok" is so pleasant. It's not just polite, it's not just kind, it's upbeat and pleasant to listen to. There's no judgement in it, there's no "but I wanted to keep talking about this thing" its just "ok"

-And that's the fucking hard part, letting someone know you've heard them without any judgment or disappointment when they want you to stop talking about something

And now Izzy

-Most people aren't going to applaud someone for saying "I want you to stop" to a DM explaining something but I will. A+ Izzy

-She found her boundary and enforced it and felt comfortable with it

-She did it in such a specific way "want" instead of "need"; "I want" instead of "You need", not to mention the full firmness of it where it couldn't be misinterpreted (A+, hardest part)

-The flick of her eyes to the rest of the table, I can't tell if she's checking in with other people's comfort level or just watching Brennan's arm thing, but the way she looks at her fellow players is just such a Thing that I cannot Words about, whether its checking in for their comfort or looking for support for hers its an important look that I might be reading too much into.

Now some other important beats

-No one comments that Izzy made Aabria stop.

-Brennan says he can connect with Aabria later about it, without mentioning any of the content, and Siobhan and Jasper make the note of "maybe don't google it" but no one mentions the content after Izzy says it

-They just move on. Like even if it briefly sounds like they might hit back onto it (we'll never know what Erika was leading to with their "I've always been obsessed with") they just move on immediately

It's a goddamned masterclass of consent at the table. Aabria checking in and looking for soft no's and giving space for hard no's and then once a hard no was thrown immediately shifting the entire direction of the conversation was amazing.

[thelifeofchuckmovie]

There are multiple Stephen King-centric stories to emerge from this past week pertaining to some anticipated upcoming Stephen King movies. And there was an update from writer/director Mike Flanagan regarding how his adaptation of The Dark Tower series is co-existing with his developing Exorcist movie.  

Not only has Flanagan been talking about The Dark Tower, but he’s made a couple of fantastic revelations about his new movie The Life Of Chuck (based on the Stephen King novella of the same name), and we have some major behind-the-scenes news regarding director Francis Lawrence’s The Long Walk, which has started production and added to its cast. The King Beat is here to catch you up on all of the developments. Let’s dig in!

Mike Flanagan’s Description Of Tom Hiddleston’s Big Dance Sequence In The Life Of Chuck Will Make You Want To See The Movie Immediately

Anyone who has read “The Life Of Chuck” has long known that dancing would be a crucial element of Mike Flanagan’s adaptation. After all, the middle section of the three-part story is entirely about an impromptu bit of body moving in public when the titular character gets caught up in the music being played by a busker. That being said, it’s nonetheless fascinating to learn how Flanagan is approaching the sequence in the adaptation – and based on his recent comments, it’s going to put broad smiles on the faces of anyone who watches it.

The most recent episode of the podcast Talking Scared features a number of professional storytellers discussing their favorite Stephen King short stories, and in the 30 minute interview with Mike Flanagan, the filmmaker goes into deep detail about the Life Of Chuck dance sequence. In the movie, Tom Hiddleston is playing the titular Chuck Krantz, and his performance is evidently so delightful that it actually left Flanagan’s face hurting from smiling too much. Said the writer/director,

It's one of those that you read it in a book where dancing is described. And I think King did a really good job with that. You read it in a script where dancing is described. But when you see it and hear it, and we're talking, it's a five-and-a-half minute scene. It's substantial... I've watched people when they watch this, and even people who have seen the movie dozens of times and worked on it... when we were on set filming, it took four days to shoot it, and my face hurt from smiling that long, that sustained, for four straight days. Like, my cheeks hurt by Friday. And, that's the thing I see, is you watch this smile break out over everybody who's, who's watching it.

This description of the sequence in the new film is exactly what one would hope for. The second section of the novella is all about celebrating the random joys of life, with Chuck finding himself caught up in the moment listening to music and finding a wonderful dance partner in a beautiful stranger who also happens to be walking by. It’s a sequence full of effervescence, and it sounds as though Mike Flanagan has worked particularly hard to capture it on screen.

The filmmaker also helped clarify why it is that the movie is earning comparisons to Frank Darabont’s The Shawshank Redemption – which is a film that can be described as an antidote to cynicism. Flanagan explained that his approach for The Life Of Chuck was to make the work sweet but not overbearing:

That joy comes in and it's not saccharine and it's not forced at all. It's kind of undeniably purely joyful. And there are so few opportunities in storytelling to exist in a moment utterly devoid of cynicism and not trying to force an emotional reaction where you're presenting something so purely what it is that the natural human response is to put down the guards and just let yourself be happy to experience it.

If that sounds like it is a very different mode for Mike Flanagan – a filmmaker best known for his work in the horror genre – you’re not wrong, and he said as much in the interview, adding,

I've never worked on anything that had that opportunity. I'm going the other way. I'm way more interested in making people uncomfortable and scared. [Laugh], you know? That's my whole business. And so to exist in a story that was just bringing forth this kind of earnest and bittersweet and realistic and honest joy and introspection. It's my favorite movie I've ever gotten to work on for that reason.

That’s a terrifically exciting sentiment given the extreme quality of Mike Flanagan’s filmography – but that’s not the only cool update that we have from him this week about his new Stephen King adaptation.

Mike Flanagan Reveals One Key Way The Life Of Chuck Will Differ From His Previous Stephen King Adaptations

Mike Flanagan’s love of Stephen King’s work is unquestionable, and it’s obviously reflected in his work. Gerald’s Game and Doctor Sleep feature details that are changed from their respective source material, but they are primarily very faithful adaptations. There is, however, one thing that the upcoming Life Of Chuck has that those two movies don’t, and that’s voice over narration that brings King’s words directly to the screen.

In the Talking Scared interview, Neil McRobert highlights a particularly beautiful passage from “The Life of Chuck” about the character reflecting on his impromptu dance while dying from cancer, and while discussing the material, Mike Flanagan explained how the film adaptation demanded that the prose being directly brought to the screen:

Frequently, when you look at things like that, the concept of narration in a movie, it's wildly improperly used, and it's a crutch in a lot of cases. It's unnecessary or it's distracting. This is one of the only times in my life where I looked at it and said, 'It is essential to this story that King's prose be driving and structuring the movie.' And I'm so glad that, that we did it that way. I don't want to spoil who narrates the film, but that's a big part of it. And having the right voice to these words is critical.

Continuing, he added that there is plenty in the story that is visually captivating in The Life Of Chuck, but that voice over narration was a necessary component in bringing it together. Said Flanagan,

It's a literary experience that has some incredible cinematic weight to it. It's visually incredible to watch the stars burn out or to watch a wonderfully classically choreographed dance number or two. All that is there. But then more than any other thing I've ever worked on, the prose was essential. And not just as a King fanatic, not just as a Constant Reader, but just for this particular story, it had to be there.

The Life Of Chuck is set to make its world premiere this fall at the Toronto International Film Festival, and being a completely independent production, it does not yet have theatrical distribution. Fingers are crossed that will change following its Canadian debut and that the movie will find its way to theaters before the end of the year.

[leafostuff]

Nana Potter [Ft. Woo!Ah Nana] + Announcement

Tags: Smut, Hogwarts AU, Blowjob, Lap Grinding, Banter during Sex, forced creampie Author's Note: Please Stay till the end of this Fic for a huge announcement, you really don't want to miss it.

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In Hogwarts, Punishments are Punishments

As much as people want to believe Hogwarts is a place that understands and let's everyone have its place, the place still has rules or else the entire school will be stuck in eternal anarchy. And of course Punishments have to happen for those who do not obey the rules.

So basically, the situation you were currently in the moment.

You were currently sitting in professor Dumbledore's office, as he looks at you directly with a look that you couldn't be sure if it was anger or disappointment but you could be sure on one thing: you were in BIG trouble and you couldn't run away from it

"Mr Seungkwan…do you understand what you just did?" He calmly said, his right hand scratching his beard while his eyes were directly looking at yours as you felt more and more intimidated by the second.

"...Yes" you said as your eyes looked down, disappointed in yourself that you actions turned out the way they did, but it didn't matter since In Hogwarts Punishments are Punishments and you will have to take responsibility for your actions that cause this entire happening.

However you suddenly hear a bang on the desk, as you look to the right you find Nana, one of the students from Gryffindor and your rival for over your 3 years in Hogwarts, Her face showed only showed Anger, heck she was so furious at the current moment that one wrong sentence can find you dead on the spot, if not physically, then she will kill you mentally.

"Miss Nana-" Dumbledore started talking as his face went to look toward the girl in red and yellow clothing but she immediately stopped the professor's speech In its start "god the nerves that this girl have sometimes" you curse to your own thoughts, looking at her in a look that can only be described as disgust.

"Dumbledore, it is simply not fair what you are doing!" Nana Shouted, "It's not my fault, it's Seungkwan's fault for taunting me, calling my family a dynasty of liars" she added, looking at you with the same anger she looked at Dumbledore before, however in your defense it was true.

You and Nana for the most part were pretty similar, starting from your very high intelligence which already marked you Two as rivals, to how both of you were talented in pretty much everything from magic to alchemy to broom riding, and ended by how most of the house saw you two as leaders, however after this the similarities ends.

Let's first of all start with how you were sorted into Slytherin and how Nana was Sorted into Gryffindor, being the rival houses of each other it was pretty ironic that from this house there will be a rivalry, however your differences also come to your personalities.

While you were pretty closed, preferred to mostly spend your time alone with your novels and only had your couple of friends which you trusted and enjoyed with, Nana was the complete opposite of you, instead being very extroverted, would rather spend every moment outside with people and really enjoyed being in the center of attention, crowning her one of the most popular students in Hogwarts 

"And yet you let him offend you, Miss Nana" he stopped her in her ramble, "just like your argument with Seungkwan during alchemy that almost blown the entire class, or like the time during the quidditch game between your houses that you two almost started using magic in school grounds" he added as Nana's expression changed from angry to disappointed as she looked down.

"Or maybe like today, while a broom riding lesson was going, both of you broke the window of the school and made a mess of the library" he said as Nana face turned even sadder than before. "Now tell me miss Kwon…what will I have to do with you two antics?" He asked, thinking to himself as now the two of you look at each other, for the first few seconds the looks were of anger to each other but later both of your faces turn into a bit of sadness as you start thinking what will your fate hold.

"Perhaps…being expelled will finally let you learn your lesson" he said as both of your faces turn blank but as quickly as your faces turned blank, they quickly gained their color back as Nana is the first to speak

"Dumbledore, you can't do this to us" she shouted, standing up from her chair and banging her fist on the desk

"Nana-"

"Please…there has to be another way of punishing us, just… don't expell us" she said as suddenly her eyes started to change colors from her usual brown eyes to pink, "ugh, she is doing it again" you cursed to your mind as you look at Nana in annoyance

One more Trait that made Nana even more of an enemy in your eyes was her unique ability that passes through family was rare Ability to cast spells without saying the spell's name, making it easy for her family to use spells without any suspicion, and of course Nana would use this trait to her advantage as much as possible, to get her from every problem possible 

"...Seungkwan and Nana" Dumbledore simply said you both find yourself looking at Dumbledore. "Are you actively going to stop your arguments? If it means by either ignoring when someone annoys you…" he said looking at Nana. "...Or not starting an argument in the first place" he continued as he turned his look toward you as you could feel the guilty hammer striking you as you looked down.

 "are you willing to do that?" He asked again, with both of you two hesitating to say something, both Nana and you simply look at each other eyes and again turn your gazes toward the old man before nodding in agreement, as his now serious face now turned into a happy one as you start to feel more and more relieved.

"Well… so as your punishment, you two will be absent from class for today and tomorrow, instead you will clean up the mess you made in the library, plus you will be prohibited from magic for those two days. I hope you two will use this time to get alone with each other and who knows…maybe your rivalry will turn into a beautiful friendship one day" he said as you could see Nana sighed in relief

"Now if you will excuse, I have stuff to do so if you will leave the office I would be very pleased" he said. "and besides…don't you two have a library to clean?" He asked as both you And Nana stood up from the chairs and left Dumbledore's office

=========================

"You used a charm spell on Dumbledore didn't you?" You asked Nana while you two were on your way to the library, "I noticed your eyes changed colors…" you added as Nana looked at you in the eyes with a cute grin and looked back forward and continued walking with you following behind her.

"Well of course a talented student like you would be able to notice my spells even without me speaking them" she said, waiting for a couple of seconds for the moving staircases to come, as you two get on them you feel the staircase moving, causing you to fall in surprise and Nana laughing at you as you stood up, annoyed by her laugh

"You know, I am really not sure what makes you a Gryffindor, since it's obviously not your chivalrous acts that made the sorting hat choose you" you said while cleaning yourself from the mess.

"Well if I am not mistaken, Slytherin's will do anything to get their goal, and like I saw you freezing in Dumbledore's office I would assume you don't really fit there as well, no?" She asked as you could remember vividly how much of a coward you are and how Slytherin never really fitted you.

You could remember vividly the day of the sorting hat, especially the first night where you told your parents, whom both have been at the red gold house in their time at hogwarts hence the reason they met, but after you told them you were in Slytherin, you could only regret your next years in hogwarts

Besides the initial disappointment of your parents after hearing the news, in the holidays and the time you were at summer break your family were always mentioning how much of a shame you were, they would never give you letters nor gifts from home so for you, hogwarts was the only safe space, and to think that you could almost be expelled from hogwarts from your fight with Nana? Your parents would disown you at the spot.

"But look at the bright side Seungkwan"

You could hear Nana said as your face rose up in surprise, for the first time today Nana had a  genuine smile pasted on her face. "At least we are not expelled" she said as you find yourself staring into her eyes and start to show a weak smile toward the black haired girl

"Now let's get this dumb library cleaned up shall we" she asked as she she put her hand in front of you, waiting for a high five from you, as your smile grew larger and returned the high five

"Whatever you say, Fake lion" you said as Nana start to giggle cutely from your funny attempt of a nickname.

"Shut up, Coward Snake" she said cutely as you two continued walking toward the library. "Maybe she isn't so bad" You thought to yourself as you began following her.

10 minutes fly by fairly quickly and you finally get to the place of the accident you two had only this morning however now this entire moment felt strange to the both of you.

"Sigh…well Seungkwan…you ready?" She asked as you smile to her with a goofy grin, making her a bit confused but the next sentence already got her hyped

"Bet that I can clean this place faster? Loser has to buy the lunch for the winner, deal?" you asked as her eyes lit up in excitement however instead of answering she simply ran away

"Deal!!!, Bet starts now" she said, dashing toward the depths on the library as you found yourself laughing to yourself and immediately running after her.

=========================

You could say that both of you were fairly motivated, maybe because of your everlasting rivalry, or maybe it was the fact that this task immediately became really boring, to the point that your competition was over as soon as it began due to the sheer amount of books but you two finished cleaning up at least three quarters of the library in 5 hours, and considering how enormous Hogwarts's library is, cleaning this much of the library in 5 hours seems like an almost impossible task.

"Wow, I just looked at the time" Nana said, taking a look at the her watch as her face filled with shock. "Like it's 19:30 and we finished it fairly quickly, like we started at like 14:31, like are we gods at cleaning or something?" She asked as you couldn't help yourself by her joke.

"Well…I guess we should head toward our common rooms? Else the teachers might get worried about us, no?" You asked, starting to head out toward the lobby of the library however Nana immediately rushed over to you.

"Wait Seungkwan?! Where are you going?" She asked you as you were confused. "I…thought maybe well…you know since we already partners in crime, maybe you want…you know…to…to…hang out?" She asked, looking a bit nervous for some reason.

"Look I promise we will get to our common rooms before lights out, it's in 23:30 so we should get in time" she quickly added, trying to convince you to come with her, However even with her promise You were still hesitant to come with your rival.

"I brought snacksssss" that was the final straw that broke you, with the fact that it's snacks and how cute she said this sentence you couldn't help but sigh, finally giving in as Nana eyes lit up and her smile grew bigger.

"Yayyy, thank you…I promise this hang out will be fun, think of it as turning our rivalry into friendship" she said, give you a cute smile as she dragged you toward back toward the depths of the library.

As time went on and you two were talking about your every day life in Hogwarts you realized how much more stuff in common you had, like your sense of humor, or how you two both loved putting chocolate and peanut butter on your sandwiches, and how both of you cannot shut up about astrology and star signs.

You couldn't lie to yourself: this was the Nana you didn't  expected to know, before she will always be mad at you or in the good days just annoyed at you for some reason, however this Nana was different, she was happy, chill, funny and cute which you couldn't lie that the cute part was big.

Not even including her face that just screamed "cute" in your mind especially when she smiled, she would often make those hums when she was laughing which would always make your heart skip and let's not forget her addictive laugh that will make you join her in the laughing festival when either of you would tell a joke 

However, like anything fun, it always has to end at some point.

"Aww, are you sure you can't stay for a little more? We have so much fun together" she said, the hour was currently 22:45 and bed time was getting closer and considering how much of a travel it's from the library to your common room in Slytherin you had to head out of the library in the moment or else the teachers will get you, and considering how earlier today you got in trouble, getting in trouble again will not end good for you.

"Sorry Nana" you answered as you stood up. "I really don't want to come late to the bed time" You added as The girl immediately stood up as well and started following you 

"Come on, listen I promised I will get you in time, and I will-" Nana started running toward you however something she never really told you about was that she is clumsy…very clumsy, and in result of a book that was on the floor for some reason, Nana ended up tackling her leg on the book, causing her to launch herself on you which…

*bang*

Your eyes were closed from the pain you felt, as you start to open your eyes slowly you find yourself in the most awkward situation you could ever find yourself in: Nana was on top of you, your chest almost touch each other and your face are even closer, you could also feel her straddling your lap making the situation much worse, honestly you would rather die than be in this situation however…

"OH my God, Seungkwan are you okay?" She asked, her eyes were looking worried when suddenly her eye color started flashing pink, signaling only one thing for you and as you could only guess: you were probably casted a charm spell on.

"Listen I am so sorry I didn't notice where I was running and I am…woah" yeah, woah was pretty much was the summarized emotion you felt right now, you could feel how your hands slowly started traveling behind her back while her hands started placing themselves on your chest as slowly but surely both of your faces started inching toward each other closer…and closer until both of your lips touch.

The feeling was nothing more then…breathtaking, mostly but how soft her lips were, like pillows you could feel your own lips wrap themselves in the feeling of it, what also could describe her lips was sweet, even without lipstick you could feel how her lips tasted like strawberries…and heaven, not that you can taste heaven but if you could, this is probably what it would taste like.

Slowly both of your lips part from each other as you could notice the sparkles shining in her eyes, and by the way she was smiling at you, you could assume that your eyes sparkled as well. The silence finally breaks as Nana started speaking

"So?" She asked as a grin now fully shows itself

"I… guess five minutes couldn't hurt right?"

======================================================================

5 minutes she said… yeah totally since the time was 23:05 at the moment yet currently you were completely invested in a hot makeout session with Nana, though honestly, you couldn't really complain since you just now realized how not only Nana was cute, but also how surprisingly hot she was

Yea, complaining was not really an option for you, especially how she started moving her hips up and down your clothed crotch while in the times you didn't made out you could hear her moans come out in sultry sound

"Mmm Oppa~" she cutely said as a giggle could be heard from the girl. "I can already ugh…feel how hard you are" she said as now her lips move toward your neck, planting quick yet very wet kisses on the right side of it as you could only tilt your head in a way that could make Nana's "presents" easier for her to do.

"God Nana" you could only moan as her kisses continue and amplify in their intensity. "You are so…"

"Hot? Yeah it really starts to get warm in here" She said as her hands started to go toward your shirt, slowly pushing it upward, as you realized what she was planning but at the current moment you were completely into the entire feeling as finally she fully takes your Green and black robe including your shirt, revealing to Nana your naked Chest for the first time as you could notice how her mouth start to water from the view

"Excited are we?" You ask teasingly as Nana quickly snaps from the trance that is your chest, shaking her face quickly as you can notice her cheeks having shades of pink.

Quickly however Nana gets to her confident old self and refocuses on the situation both of you were in. "Well with a body like this, how could any girl not?" she said, adding a wink in the end as now her hands traveled toward your jeans as you already knew what was coming,

you could hear the zipper moving, the buttons popping one by one as in the same speed she took your shirt off, now both of your jeans and briefs were taken off, leaving you completely Naked as Nana could only grin.

"Not gonna lie: I seen bigger" she said as you could only roll your eyes in annoyance. "Well you don't mind me taking your "broom" on a test ride, correct?" She asked.

"Uhh-" you wanted to answer however Nana immediately pushed her finger toward your mouth in an attempt to shut it

"Shh Just kidding, I didn't really asked you, of course you will enjoy it" she said as quickly her head dipped down toward your cock, with her lips opening up and slowly started taking it inside of her mouth "by the way oppwa" she added while mumbling "noh talking besidews moawning my nawme" she said as now she was completely focused on devouring your currently hard member.

Slurps could be heard loud and clear as the feeling could only be described as total Euphoria as Nana bobbed up and down your cock, letting herself taste you to the fullest like an all-you-can-eat buffet for her liking.

Suddenly it was enough for you, not being able to hold it in you could feel yourself feel unloading all of you “stress” into Nana’s Mouth as Nana’s face seemed much more relaxed, signaling she did get your stress into her mouth as now she has detached her lips from your cock while looking at you with a naughty grin

“Hmmm, didn't expect Oppa’s cum to taste so good,” she said while cleaning some of the white liquid that got stuck on her lips, showing how hungry she was as without any warning she straddled your lap, “Guess now it's my turn to feel good no?” she said as you got the hint.

Your hands started to mess around with Nana's Gryffindor robe, slowly taking it off, revealing to your eyes her hot pink lace bra. “Not gonna lie: i have seen bigger” you say, returning to Nana’s comment about your cock, however unlike you Nana just seems to smile cutely, showing how she is unfazed by your comment

“you still like the view of it though, no?” Nana said as takes your hands, now guiding them to her pants as you get the hint, quickly trying to get them off her body. “Oh wow…very eager, are we?” she asked as after a minute or so of attempting to take off her pants you finally succeed, revealing her panties which match the same color as her bra.

You could immediately notice how in her panties there is a darker spot in the middle as you look up toward the girl, looking at you with a grin and giving you a wink, signaling to you the thing that by now seems obvious, but just to be clear she leans herself toward your ears about to whisper the next words.

“Fuck me Oppa” now everything was clear, every light in this stop was green, signaling to go, and by how desperately she said those she seemed she couldn't wait anymore as Nana now takes her hands behind her back as an audible click could be heard and her bra slowly falls, showing you her hardened nipples.

Like magic your right hand magnetized toward Nana’s right boob as you look up at her again, trying to be sure if that is what she wanted as she simply nodded as you give a small squeeze, resulting in a small yet very arousing moan,

You, being already turned on from Nana’s sultry moans you could feel your cock is getting bigger by the second as you scoot even closer to Nana, feeling how your cock is touching her clothed pussy as you continue to squeeze her boobs as now the left hands joined the party, squeezing the other boob as the moans from her just grows louder and louder, which honestly makes you a bit surprised about how no one has heard you fucking in the library.

“OH GOD, OPPA PLEASE, FINISH INSIDE ME, I AM SO CLOSE. PLEASE FILL ME” she screamed as you oblige, taking her panties and revealing her pussy to you as suddenly you froze, maybe it was the first time you have seen that part of a girl in real life but something just made you freeze.

“Nana, are you-” you were suddenly were shutted by nana grabbing your hips and pulling them toward her, lining it up so that your cock will be inside, as both of you screamed in pleasure the same time

“JUST DO IT FOR FUCK SAKE” Nana screamed as your pleasure couldnt be stopped anymore as you release your cum into her as both of you fall into the Library’s floor, exhausted from this entire event

======================================================================

“Can i tell you a secret Oppa?”

“Yeah” You said, the hour is now 01:00 as the both of you were currently looking at the stars from the Library’s balcony, both of you were cleaned up from the sex using a simple cleaning spell that both of you learned in class, however, you didn't expect the spell to be used in this way.

“I…haven't used a Charm spell on you” you said as you were shocked, you thought the entire time you were under a spell that made you fuck the living brains out of Nana but here she is, telling you its all false.

“But, i saw your eyes turn pink” you answer as Nana just giggled cutely.

“Oppa, if the spell was on casted on you, you will not be able to see my eye color change” she explained as it now makes sense how she was able to cast a spell on Dumbledore without being caught, which means the spell she casted when you had sex did something else, however Nana seemed to be a silent for a moment, you were a bit confused about the situation

“I…like you a lot Seugnkwan…i always have been” she said as you were caught off guard by her saying, but you smile back, it was shocking to you that your rival, the girl you disliked for the entire time at Hogwarts had feelings for you, “Can…we test it please? like us…for a month or so…please?” she asked as you smile at her and instead of answering you simply leaned into her forehead, kissing it as her blush seemed to grow even more.

“Is this a good enough answer for you?” you asked as Nana simply hugged you for a good minute or so. Honestly, you couldn't lie that all of this night, from the kiss to the sex and all the way to this simple hug: all of this felt right”

“Oh shit, its like 01:05 , and the teachers do a stroll around the school, let me teleport you to your bed, i will do some quick checkup here to see if everything is clean” she said as you nodded and stood in place, ready to be teleported, Nana quickly mumbled some words and soon enough you found yourself in the Common room of your dormitory, as slowly but surely you sneak to your bed when suddenly

“So…how it was?” you freeze in place as you see a girl you didnt expect to see awake in the middle of the night…Sakata Sora.

================================================

Thanks a lot for reading this fanfic, it took very long time to finish it but its because i really wanted to give you a really good fic, and i hope you enjoyed reading it

and as for the Announcement:

I am writing a book!!!!

as some people know i came from Wattpad writing books however i took a break to focus on one-shots on tumblr but after a lot of time of practice on this platform and i am finally ready to write another book and for what group the book will about? well...

the book will be first updated on Wattpad however i will post the chapters on Tumblr soon after so i will not completely die on here, and i will still be uploading oneshots from time to time

See yall on the first chapter and have a good day Leafies

[tthelady]

2.1 spoilers ahead!

Now that I had time to sit on what happened in 2.1 and gather my thoughts. I just want to say that 2.1 has been the best patch so far. In 2.0 HSR did a wonderful job showing all these different fractions within Penacony and how every single one of them had their own agendas. In 2.1 we got to see what their agendas were and how they were going to/are playing out.

The different POVs were a wonderful and amazing addition to the story. It was really nice being able to see and play the same story from another character's perspective.

Aventurine was by far the best character in Penacony for me. The way his story was told was amazing and being to play from his POV allowed us so much more insight into his character. The way his backstory was told, the way he planned to "kill" himself, and the way he finally came to terms with his own past, present, and future were so good some parts of his story genuinely brought tears to my eyes. Seeing Acheron come to the realization of his plan and taking away harmony's curse off of him and giving him a second chance and an out from the IPC I don't even have words to describe how much I loved that scene. There's also his and ratio's relationship I loved every second of their interactions. Their plan for ratio to betray him, ratio giving medicine to aventurine to use when he's close to death god every second of their interaction was amazing I could go on forever about them. I am very excited to see where his story will go on from here.

There's also the fact we got to hear Boothill's voice and holy shit I'm so excited to see him! The interactions between Acheron and Welt had me hooked I desperately need more interactions between them.

The way 2.1 ended has me so excited for 2.2. I never expected Gallagher to be excused of "killing" Robin it was an unexpected twist but I loved it very much. I have so many questions after that ending did Gallagher kill sunday? Is Gallagher truly responsible for the murders that have been happening in penacony? What happened to Robin? Where is Robin? Overall I can't wait for 2.2!!!

[radioactivewisdom]

I’m not here to promote anything. I’m not a Jehovah’s Witness looking to sign more folks on. I’m not scouting signatures for my political party. I’m not a feminist who’s only looking to increase numbers and hashtags. I’m not holding a sign up sheet and handing out pamphlets. I’m simply sharing my thoughts because for years now, all I’ve heard is some versions of “if only women were taught the truth, then we wouldn’t be in this mess.” Look what happens when you do…

Whether it’s the realities of marriage, the loss of identity to motherhood, unequal responsibilities of domestic duties, or the prevalence of sexual diseases, women are always claiming that they had “no idea.” Not too long ago there was a “radical” post about contracting several UTI’s for years on end because of sleeping with a man who had an unwashed ass and p***s. Of course it was medical misogyny’s fault because the doctors hadn’t warned her that having sex with people who don’t shower is bad. I share the truth but because I don’t sugarcoat my words to appease egos, they refuse to listen. Or, lash out at other women instead.

It’s the same old song and dance over and over again. Women grumbling about how terrible and dangerous relationships with men are. How you can never know, even if married for fifty years, that they’ll one day snap. That there’s zero way to predict the outcome and not even mothers can control their sons. So then you give the only reasonable solution, stop engaging. Suddenly, you’re the problem. How dare you suggest that their desire for romance and family go unfulfilled. Plus, it’s actually YOUR responsibility to make sure their wishes are fulfilled in the first place, this is a sisterhood after all.

I share my perspective that is rooted in reality, not fantasies of how you believe the world should be. I don’t care that you think sex with men should be something that it’s not. HPV and the cancers that result from them aren’t pretty, so neither are my words when describing them. These same women are the embodiment of what they claim to be tired of. “No, don’t talk about it like that!” “Women aren’t going to listen to you when you say it that way!” Okay, then enjoy make believe and embrace the life you’ve crafted.

The world continues on because everyone is out to create their own version of it, which boils down to “I get to do whatever I want without anything bad happening to me.” Sensory pleasure and social validation is their “meaning.” They react so negatively when their delusions are pointed out because it shatters their very reason for being. Genuinely no different than any other form of addiction and the denial that comes with it. You’re not five years old anymore, analysis has to go deeper than cops and robbers. Adult women want Disneyfied explanations that distort objective reality, then claim they’ve been misled.

I thought men were the ones who couldn’t handle the truth. Women need to finally decide. Are men incompetent babies who can’t even wash themselves properly, or are they manipulative masterminds who are able to con you for years on end? It can’t be both. The truth is available to you, if you don’t want it, fine. Live your life! There’s no need to hide behind cowardice and ignorance once things don’t work out for you. You weren’t tricked and you didn’t lose just because the game ended. Winning was clearly never an option in the first place.

[summerdiphylleia]

The next right thing

Prologue: The eve of the reaping.

Summary: During those sleepless nights, Felicia often finds herself thinking about killing her husband.

pairing: coriolanus snow x wife!oc

Prologue / Chapter 1 / Chapter 2

****************

Felicia shifted in her bed once again, restless. She forced her eyes shut, though it would serve no purpose. Hard as she might try, sleep would not find her that night. It never did on the eve of the reaping. 

She could numb the Games out, for the most of it at least, but she was compelled to watch the reapings. Her husband enjoyed making a festivity out of it. He invites members of his cabinet to the mansion, they make bets, and they drink and eat and celebrate the beginning of Panem’s most anticipated show. Felicia always falls inexplicably ill the day afterwards.  

She turned towards her husband, and quietly placed a hand on his chest. Coriolanus Snow isn’t hunted by the brutality of the Games, he relishes it. He doesn’t escape perversion, he courts it. He comes up with the most savage ways of stripping people out of their humanity, and makes sure to get a spectacle out of it. Panem et circenses. Her husband is best at giving the Capitol both. 

Felicia reached towards his face, and gently stroked his chin, earning a soft hum in response. She smiled. 

It was on nights like that one, when rest would not find its way to her, that she often had one same recurring thought. She lowered her fingers towards his neck, seeking for his pulse, calm and warm. 

“What if you killed him?” 

She pictured herself, delicately throwing herself on top of him. He wouldn’t have time to even realize what was happening before her hands were already wrapped tight around his throat. Not a sound would escape his lips, which by that moment would already be turning blue. 

“Would you be able to do it?” 

It’s no easy task, suffocating someone to death, there’s a plethora of problems that might come up during the act. Fundamentally, he’s much stronger than her. But she has a medical background. And a very impressive one indeed. It’s all very methodical, really. Complete constriction of the carotid arteries can cause unconsciousness in mere seconds and brain death in minutes, if one just knew where to press one’s fingers. And she knew. She knew how to end someone’s life. She could do it. She could kill him, quickly, and efficiently, barely causing him any pain. 

“Would that save anyone?”

President Snow would die, yes. And then someone would kill her, after being declared a rebel. Her three children would have the same fate, most probably. The Capitol citizens would never know the truth of what happened of course, let alone the districts’. The cabinet would claim it had been some sort of disease —something viral, perhaps— that took the President and First Lady’s lives. It was plausible. After all, they already were in their seventies and sixties respectively; the citizens had been witnessing the two of them growing old and sickly, now that they really thought about it. They would throw a week’s funeral; beautiful and lavish. Something to remind everyone of the opulence, greatness of the Capitol. Something to entertain people away from all the acrobats and performers racing behind the curtains. And then, much too ravenously, a different ringmaster much too alike the monster that preceded him would rule over the country. And the Games would still keep on haunting one too many. That was the order of things. She had no way of changing that. 

She withdrew her hand for a moment, and then placed it over his chest again. She nestled against his frame, and closed her eyes, wishing such thoughts didn’t find their way to her over and over again. Thinking was dangerous in the Capitol.

Felicia didn’t hate her husband, not really. There was no point in doing so, it would only ensure her misery. Just like there was no point in him disliking her. If she was asked to pick one word to describe her husband, she would pick austere. Austerity in every fraction of his life, psyche included. He indulged in no emotion if it secured him nothing in return.

He didn't gain anything by being cruel to her, on the contrary. He risked ending up with a resentful wife in a position of false power, but power nonetheless, much too eager to make him suffer, for a change. No, it was in his best interest that she was happy. And so he kept her happy. 

He understood her aversion to the Games, and so he never forced her to watch them, unless it was expected to be a public affair, of course. She didn’t want their children watching them, and he had allowed it, begrudgingly, sure, but allowed it nonetheless. She loathed most of the women within the Capitol’s high society, and so he gave her permission to miss as many meetings with them as she pleased. She wished to keep correspondence with the people of the districts, so they could ask and demand of the First Lady, and he had permitted it. 

But she was always ordained to attend the inducting of the Victors, and place a crown on their heads, while commending them for their bravery. And in every celebration or dinner the mansion threw, she was required to sit beside the people she thought the poorest of; afterwards, when the party was over, she always went to bed feeling the corners of her mouth too impossibly tight. And she noticed that all of her letters replying to the districts’ residents, written with such thoughtfulness, would always end up gathering dust in a room somewhere in the mansion. 

And everytime she felt like she couldn’t bear all of that anymore and started behaving particularly narky about such issues, a little orange pill would appear on her nightstand, next to a glass of water. There was no note on the side, never has been, but she always knew what she was expected to do. She even found herself looking forward to taking it, more frequently than not. She didn’t know exactly what drug the pill contained, but she could judge by its effects. She always felt droopy for as long as a week after taking it. 

“You know I do this because I care for you, dearest?” Her husband would lovingly say, sitting beside her while offering the glass of water. “You don’t like feeling this way, do you?” 

She really didn’t. And her husband would watch her swallow it, with as sweet an expression on his face as he could muster, and then he would smile, and kiss her goodnight. That was the order of things. 

“What if someone else killed him?”

****************

idk if this will become a series or not, but I read a prompt about Snow's wife/family eventually becoming his downfall and I loved it! I hope you enjoy it.

[lookbluesoup]

Hydaelyn in Endwalker

At the risk of looking stupid online I'm going to field my perplexions about Hydaelyn that've been bothering me for months lol This post is... a little Hydaelyn critical. But I do offer that in good faith, I LOVE the character and I'm not trying to just trash her, I'm genuinely interested to hear other perspectives about it. (But please be nice, everyone is entitled to their own take)

Also this is not in response to anyone else's post. I haven't even seen any Hydaelyn posts circulating lately. I'm not vagueing anyone or trying to start drama. Just trying to sort out my own feelings about this character.

So my main takeaway from MSQ was that love is, ultimately, what saves you. That humans (including Ancients!) aren't perfect, and cannot love perfectly, but the shared love of you and others is still what saves you.

And, also, that grief is a part of life. Mistakes are a part of life. Conflict and loss happen, but they need not destroy you. Stand for doing right as best that you can, forgive yourself and keep trying, keep loving - both yourself and others.

There was an incredible amount of emphasis on not judging or hating one's enemies, about accepting the humanity in all of us and coming together, which I really loved.

There was also, of course, a huge rejection of self-sacrifice and martyrdom.

I saw all those themes in the Dark Knight quests a LOT (especially before the English translation changed so many scenes), and I assume Ishikawa was continuing that theme from Shadowbringers onward.

So again! I don't hate Hydaelyn!

But I feel like... at least in the English translation, she is still treated with excessive reverence, like a goddess, by the Scions - even ones it didn't really make sense to after her origin came out, like Y'sthola.

And at least on my first playthrough, while I like Venat a lot and love the drama of the Final Days pushing everyone into points of desperation, to their breaking points, and her decision to sunder the world definitely did ultimately help (help!) make it possible for us to defeat the Endsinger... I dunno.

To me she was still subject to the same arrogance as the rest of the Ancients. Whether her decision paid off or not, she still took into her hands the fate of the entire Star, she still made a decision that would result in millions of deaths.

And if we're going by Hydaelyn's own assertion, that each reincarnation is their own person, not just a missing piece of a whole... then to achieve her goal of a better world, she killed all the remaining Ancients except those three.

She chose to create a world where death and trauma would affect generation after generation - and she can say that it was for the greater good, for the world to survive. But that was essentially the Convocation’s justification too, in creating Zodiark and orchestrating the Rejoinings. Committing genocide to prove that genocide is wrong… is not noble.

The cutscene with her sundering the world, where the people insist they'll return to a world free of sorrow underneath a burning sky, could also NOT be how it actually happened. It had to be representational of her feelings and conclusion. Becoming Hydaelyn took coordination with her followers and planning.

At least in English, idk about the original Japanese, Hythlodaeus's shade describes the time of the Sundering as if the world wasn't in utter ruin at that point. It was beginning to heal, they had restored some natural systems, but the Ancients were short in numbers. At that point, they were done sacrificing their own people, in time they were going to sacrifice other life - plants and animals, to restore those lost brethren.

At the very least, Hythlodaeus's completely different account shows that the two sects of people post-Zodiark were viewing their sacrifice and end goal in completely different ways. Ethics aside, whether the competing goal was achievable or not… we will never know, because Venat stopped it from happening.

But I don't think either recounting has a monopoly on the truth. There was no One Truth, there were just competing needs and perspectives. And though Venat insists that unity is necessary to avert the Endsinger - she perpetuates this division. Azem refused her followers call to help summon Hydaelyn, and I think that's significant.

But I'll also acknowledge that Azem didn't manage to save the Ancients, either.

And you could argue that the Ancients were their own worst enemy. They kind of were.

Hermes was a really, really great caricature of severe, untreated Depression. And he had the powers of a god. His creations were sent to find a specific answer in the world beyond, and like their creator, they didn't have the tools to process hearing an answer other than what they were expecting. They were trapped in their own perspective. He was looking for answers in the stars, instead of in himself. Their own pain and inability to engage with emotion in a healthy way overwhelmed every encounter they had and created the very reality he so feared.

He did not use the proper channels for peer review before sending them out on their mission. Those rules, those checks and balances, that community approach to design, existed to protect the Ancients from their own power, and he deliberately acted in secret. He isolated himself from society, convinced himself his pain was something nobody could understand, made an island of himself and doubled down on his own jaded beliefs.

I don't know what kind of mental health facilities were available to the Ancients - we just don't have that information. But I do know that he was treated with patience and forgiveness by a significant number of colleagues, and his quirks weren't held against him. People did try to help and accommodate him, even if they didn't always understand. He had been promoted to a powerful position. I don't know if it's fair to blame anyone in particular, or even their society, for what happened. Because again... everyone was doing the best they could with what they had.

If anything, the problem was that literally any Ancient could have made a similar mistake in the right situation. They were ALL that powerful. Eventually chaos would happen. Sundered souls can certainly create destruction, but not on the same scale.

I don't personally agree with Hydaelyn's decision not to reach out to the Convocation. I understand being careful, and thinking through what the next step should be before acting. But there's a LOT of "maybes" in this argument:

And ultimately, it's her doing the same thing as Hermes, putting the power of judgement over an entire people in her own hands. She's assuming that she is in a unique position to decide the fate of the entire Star. It's not evil. But it's arrogant. She wasn't special among the Ancients, gifted with some unique wisdom. She was doing the best she could from her own perspective.

Plus... if half your population, and then another half again are about to sacrifice themselves... what have you got to lose by outing Hermes and/or trying to work with the Convocation to avert that loss of life? We don't have all the details, I'm willing to accept that there were circumstances that made it impossible, or at least made Venat decide against trying it. But even so. What did you have to lose leading up to the summoning of Zodiark? There was already panic and destruction at that point.

Hydaelyn sacrificed a lot of people to accomplish her goals. She made a goddess of herself and manipulated people like Minfilia on that basis. She killed so many children and stole so many lives even just by reincarnating Minfilia over and over on the First. She misrepresents the nature of the Ascians to the WoL, keeps secrets, and essentially charges you with being a crusader in her Holy War.

It's Emet- Selch who tries to bridge the gap. Not Hydaelyn. It's him who's willing to consider trying to achieve his goals without bloodshed, if you, the WoL, are strong enough. He says this to himself, out of anyone else's hearing. There's no reason for it to be a lie.

And just before Mt. Gulg, you can see Emet starting to question his beliefs about humanity because of the WoL's accomplishments. Hydaelyn has nothing to do with that. It's all you. And Emet succumbs to his own weaknesses too, so we never get to know what that might have happened if you'd had more time with him. He's not better than her.

But I think it's significant that he's the one who reaches out. Who's willing to consider a compromise at all.

In war you make sacrifices, I get that. But she was not more heroic, somehow, than the Ascians. Both sides were doing terrible things and denying the agency of mortals in order to achieve their ideal world.

So to me... she was not a benevolent incomprehensibly wise mother figure. Much like in real life we go from being kids who trust our moms implicitly, to adults who realize our mother was human and made mistakes, I think we’re supposed to recognize that Hydaelyn didn't do everything right and its our job to carry the future forward for subsequent generations, to learn from what came before, and hope that our own children do the same and forgive us for our own mistakes.

I think its very important to note that the WoL is just as much the Convocation's creation as Hydaelyn's. Without being rejoined as many times as they were, the WoL wouldn’t have survived. She saves you from the Ultima Weapon, Emet-Selch saves you from Elidibus, and its their powers combined that save you and your friends from the Endsinger. You are the legacy of each side’s imperfect love, equally.

WHICH brings me to my point of perplexion. Hydaelyn continues to be venerated. NPCs who know what happened continue to emphasize her side of things. I feel I must be missing something, because to me, the finale of Endwalker essentially shattered any idea that this was a Light vs Dark kind of story. People made choices. People made mistakes. It wasn't good or evil. It was human. We survived in spite of our mistakes because love was more powerful than our imperfections.

The Scions sacrificed themselves one by one just like the Ancients. And got brought back using energy from the Star... not all that different than what the Ascians had planned to do with their own brethren. I just don't see much functional difference there in the sentiments between either side.

I don't think we're supposed to hate Hydaelyn. I don't think she was evil. But I don't think she was better than the Ascians.

So while I don't expect, or want, characters to be condemning her left and right in the narrative, it's still baffling to me that there's such consistent, explicit reverence for her.

[doin-just-fine]

The People Wanna Know: Dissociation

Q: “How do you tell when you’re dissociating, and what kinds are there?”

A: 🛸 Great question! When figuring out my plurality we had a few questions about dissociating and how to tell the difference between that and being lost in thought and blah blah blah. SO! Here's what we've got for you!

🛸 Many people will describe dissociating as "checking out" which is super vague and leave a lot of questions as to what exactly that means. Not to mention that some people just kind of live in a state of dissociation and don't have a reference of "normal" so I will try to give you both. What does it mean, feel like, look like to dissociate? Meaning: Dissociating happens when there is too much stress for the mind to handle. Things like a traumatic event can cause dissociation or just everyday mundane situations that lead to dissociation like going on auto pilot when you're driving or reading a book. Immediately after a traumatic even it's that feeling where time slows and nothing feels real like you're watching the events around on a tv screen instead of being there in persons. I think what most people wonder about or need clarification on is random moments of dissociation due to an over active trauma response. Most systems experience long term trauma that puts them in a constant state of fight or flight. This causes them to have a very overactive stress response when they are finally in a safe environment. Sometime people feel as though they dissociate for no reason, others over things most would consider minor stressors, on top of the majors stressors that just come with life. Having an over active stress response like this can lead to dissociation disorders like derealization (feeling like the world around you isn't real) and depersonalization (feeling like you yourself are not real). These occur typically when someone lives in a state of dissociation more often than not but can also be used to describe the the sensation dissociation at any given time.

Feeling: This varies person to person/system to system. As previously stated you have the feeling of the world around you not feeling real and the feeling of you yourself not being real. You can also feel both of these at the same time which can be very disorienting. This can lead to struggling to follow conversations or can feel like you're half listening to someone but splitting with out actually splitting your attention externally. It can feel like playing a 1st person video game. It can also feel like not processing information in real time. Dissociation is basically a disconnect from your surrounding, mind, body, emotion, identity, and memories. Dissociation can look like any one of these things on it's own or in combination with another. For us it's typically an emotional dissociation rather than a personal or surrounding feeling. In moments of stress our emotions turn off and we don't really feel things as they happen. If we're lucky, only in hindsight can we break down what we were feeling if at all. This can look like no feelings period or being calm cool and collected only to breakdown later about the stress. For those of us who don't experience a constant state of depersonalization or derealization, dissociating can be easiest to identify after the fact. Dissociation can affect the memories of an event making them difficult to recall or align correctly, something you only notice after the event has passed and you try to recall it, or feeling your emotion switch turn back on and having everything hit you at once but only when you feel safe again, or tuning back into your surrounding and realizing you missed your bus stop. Dissociation can also feel inward. Like you are retreating into you mind. Things may feel far away or even sound far away. If you can hear your headmates talk in your headspace, dissociation can be retreating internally and being pulled into headmate thoughts or conversations. This is one we observe in our partner system. We'll be talking to them and we'll see their eyes glaze over or they don't response and when we grab their attention they'll say something along the lines of "people are being loud" or "people are having big feelings". This kind of dissociating is also what switching can feel like for some.

Look: Not all dissociation is visually identifiable but if it is it typically look like the person not moving, staring off into space, speaking but clearly internally preoccupied, confusion. They may look like they aren't listening or maybe they look a bit lost. They may have a slow response time or may lose track of their thoughts a lot. But for some, like us, they can just look "normal". Looking normal is a survival technique. Some people, like us, were brought up in an environment where fully checking out was not safe. Some people never disconnect from their surrounding because they had to be aware of everything around them all the time. This is valid. The brain is an amazing thing and is capable of multitasking even if that multitasking is being aware of your surroundings while also checking out from them. I do it all the time.

🛸Differences between Dissociating and: - Brain fog: Brain fog is just general confusion and slow thinking and processing. This typically come without feeling like the world or yourself isn't real or difficulty recalling the moments of brain fog or feeling disconnected from your emotions. If one prone to dissociation the feeling brain fog can lead to dissociating. - Being lost in thought: Being lost in thought can be a form of dissociation. However, there is planning your day and then theres dissociating about your day. Planning your day feels like your actively participating in it and dissociating about your day feels like your disconnected from it.

🛸I hope this was helpful! This is what we've gathered knowledge and experience wise on the topic of dissociation. If you have anything else to add pls reblog with your additions so people who need the recourse can see it! If you have any more questions about dissociation or if you need any clarification leave a comment or ask me directly!

REMEMBER: You're gonna be ok. You're gonna figure it out. Be kind and gentle with yourself and others. Asks are open. Have a nice day.