#how tortured they are wanting love but fearing the risk of it all the vulnerability

[shellofashadow]

you made a bad habit of baring your teeth at anyone brave enough to try to love you.

it wasn’t your fault, not at first—after all, there were only so many times you could stomach all of the venom spit at you by those you latched onto, before you hardened.

and it did well to weed out the weak ones—which left only those who saw your hostility as something to be conquered. that was decidedly worse.

so you tapped into something ancient and furious in your chest and broke off the taps to every other feeling. the love you sought after, the yearning to be held, to be kept safe—all pushed farther out of your reach. for your own good. to keep yourself safe.

when bakugou comes along, you’re like a cornered animal. snarling at him, snapping your jaws every time he reaches for you. knowing, somehow, that the end is not near but here now, and he will turn on his heels and flee from you faster than he came.

so it really is a shock to the circuit board when he all but scruffs you by the neck, rolling his eyes and tsking at you like a misbehaving kitten.

it enrages you. doesn’t he know how to take a hint? doesn’t he know you ruin everything you touch?

so you let it all out at him, one night on the stoop to your apartment. passerby walk on quickly, like they’re afraid they’ll get caught up in your storm if they linger too long. you look insane, and you know you do—you hope it’ll drive the point home: it’s not worth it to get close. you’re too much, too hard, too angry, and surely he’ll get that now.

to your dismay, he’s standing on the step below you, looking like the cat that got the cream.

“what is wrong with you?”

he huffs out a laugh, taking your exasperation as a green light to take a step up toward you. he’s way too close—you feel your face burn and you want to think it’s the anger you feel at his inability to know what’s good for him.

“you’re awfully mouthy,” he murmurs, soft, and it catches you off guard, “what’re you so mad about?”

he’s crowding your space now, and if he wasn’t rooting you to the spot with whatever it is that he’s doing, looking at you like that, you would’ve bolted. he reaches to brush a strand of hair behind your ear, and you want to come out of your skin. you open your mouth, fully intending to ream him within an inch of his life. to your horror, all you hear escape you is some sort of pathetic whimper.

“c’mon,” he breathes, the taste of the taunt on your tongue as he stands over you now—too close— “give it t’me.”

you want to tell him how god damn stupid he is—but you know that katsuki has an intelligence that goes toe to toe with your own. he’s aware of something that hasn’t occurred to you yet. you know this, and your heart squeezes in a panic you haven’t felt in a long while. you throw out one last ditch effort—one last attempt to distance yourself for the inevitable end—

“i-i’m going to ruin your life.”

“yeah?” bright eyes hold you in a suspended state. a challenge, aimed straight at you as he sucks on his teeth, grinning wildly, “do your worst, then.”

[arliedraws]

All this anti-Remus talk is making me like him even more 😂

I love that he’s a character who is so fixated on image and how he comes off. He’s such a cold person! Detached! Won’t form close bonds! Like…his loving parents fucked him up by keeping him away from all other children until Hogwarts. I love how this plays into his character again and again and again.

I put the rest under the cut because it gets a bit tangential, but whatever, I was feeling a bit heated.

I feel like Remus doesn’t actually know how to make friends—he has let everyone come to him. James and Sirius formed their little group, and Remus has always been in awe of what friends will do FOR him. What did Remus do for his friends? Maybe Remus learns how to accept love, but he is not very good at giving it back.

It’s so interesting to me that Remus doesn’t become Harry’s go-to even after they spent hours together. Harry allows Remus to see his most vulnerable side, and Remus doesn’t reciprocate even after the truth comes out. At the very least, he could write Harry. He could visit Harry in the summer.

But I actually LOVE this about Remus. I love that he’s written as a warm, inviting sort of person when he’s actually someone who is terrified of forming close bonds. No one is allowed to see the real Lupin, and once someone has seen a part of himself he doesn’t like, he immediately detaches himself and disappears. Remus wants to appear in control of himself because he is concerned more about his image than doing the right thing. At the end of PoA, I’m sure he’s upset that he nearly killed Harry and co, obviously, but more importantly, he’s embarrassed that he lost control. If he really cared about the safety of students, he would have revealed Sirius’s disguise to Dumbledore as soon as Sirius escaped Azkaban.

The point of his character is “what you see on the surface is not necessarily what lies below.” It’s one of the most salient themes of PoA.

Anyway, it’s uncomfortable! So many people want to make Remus a “model of marginalization” - who, depending on the fanon, falls on one end of the spectrum which is “ohhhh poor disabled guy :((( he can’t do anything because he’s a pathetic baby” or “look how hot and tall and rational and intelligent he is despite his poverty/disability!!!!”

It’s SO INFANTILIZING. I don’t think Remus is a bad guy or a good guy—I think that his particularly negative character traits are a result of prejudice towards his condition, his upbringing, and his internalized prejudice towards werewolves. So I am not saying he’s a complete asshole. Obviously. My point, though, is that he has friends who support him in school, particularly James, who break the law and risk torture prison (and bodily harm from a werewolf) to support him.* And Remus…he does not do much to reciprocate that sort of love. The very least he can do for James is to check in on Harry (he doesn’t even need to say hi—just literally see that he’s ok!). James risked his life for Remus, and Remus won’t risk Dumbledore’s disapproval to reciprocate.

He continually does the LEAST for Harry. Harry has to beg him to teach him the Patronus Charm. And when Harry is clearly craving his parents’ voices as they’re dying, Remus doesn’t even offer a nugget of “ohhhh, gosh, Harry, let’s give you some good stories about your dad, ok?”

This is a cold, broken man who has convinced himself that being alone is safe because you can never be rejected. This is Remus’s greatest fear. He’s the teacher that needs to be liked but he hides behind professionalism when it suits him. His “nice guy” traits are a fucking ACT. I want people to explore more about his negative traits! He blames his condition when people get too close, and when people manage to climb his walls to try to get close to him, he pushes them away.

Chronic illness does not make you a good person—it just makes life harder. Remus accepts love and support from his friends—and yes, they SHOULD give him love and support because this is what we owe each other, but Remus also owes his friends love and support. It’ll look different from how James, Sirius, and Peter can support him, but you don’t get to just take from your friends without giving back. Your friends are not there to be your mommy. Sometimes, you’ll go through periods where your friends are holding you up and you just need to accept that they don’t resent you for it, but if you’re willing to accept help, you’d better be willing to return it later. As someone who has a few people in their life who take and take and give little in return, I can tell you, it starts to feel like your only purpose is to carry them on your shoulders. And man, it’s fucking exhausting. Sometimes I need to be carried too.

I have no idea how Remus behaved at Hogwarts regarding his friends on a day to day basis because Harry never sees evidence of this, but we see him as an adult who is unwilling to support his friend’s orphaned kid in ANY meaningful way…unless Harry begs him. In the end, Remus is still an autonomous adult and Harry is a child in need. In this situation, at the bare minimum, Remus has the power to pick up a pen and write.

So why don’t we see this more in fic? You all know I’m a Sirius stan, but I am CONSTANTLY critiquing Sirius’s relationship with masculinity. Sirius is my favorite character, and I LOVE exploring the uncomfortable parts of him—he’s cold when he perceives that he has been emasculated, even belittling Harry when he’s insulted. He’ll put himself in danger to protect Harry when all Harry really wants is for Sirius to be there for him (which Sirius can’t do in OotP). These are the bits that make me queasy—and I love exploring them!

Why not explore the ugly parts of Remus? You say you want interesting, well-rounded characters with chronic illness/disabilities/neurodivergence? Then let them be interesting. Make them complicated and embrace the icky parts of them. If you want, explore how society has created a cold, sad, wet noodle Remus and then GIVE HIM A PATH TO GROWTH. Like… if you don’t like these parts, give him scenarios so he can grow and become a better person.

Anyway, stop fucking throwing around words like “ableism” when you hear something you don’t like about a character. You don’t know the real person behind their username. Most of us here have some sort of disability/neurodivergence/chronic illness, etc, so stop fucking assuming we’re Chad Abled-Bodied or Karen Neurotypical, ffs.

It’s fucking insulting and infantilizing that we can’t discuss complexity in characters who are marginalized in their society. By excusing all of their less than cute actions, you’re essentially saying, “This is not a full human being with a full range of emotion and flaws—they are a perfect little baby who doesn’t deserve reproach, who can do whatever he wants!”

But that’s just me, I guess.

—

* (Also, side note, Moony the werewolf could have very well killed any one of them. Additionally, the theory that Moony couldn’t hurt them in Animagus form was ONLY A THEORY. It might not have worked at ALL and they risked their lives to test it.)

[hobnob2020]

Lucanis Romance

Spoilers so please don't read unless you've finished the game

Lucanis was always going to be my first romance and he was the reason I went from my initial choice of Shadow Dragon to becoming a Crow and I wasn't disappointed.

But the reason I'm writing this review is because again people are moaning about how "little or poorly done" his romance was.

So a few points I'd like to point out are as follows;

Firstly people can have their opinions but I would like to remind everyone that his talented writer was fired and then rewrites were done for the game so who knows what got changed last minute for his character.

Secondly, he has been imprisoned for an entire year, been tortured and possessed, essentially having his mind broken because he didn't want to submit.

Thirdly his city is on the very edge of being destroyed.

And lastly Rook tells him they were sent by his grandmother who he loves dearly only to find upon his return that shes dead. He can also see that there's something wrong with Illario someone he sees more of a brother but is fighting him every chance he gets in order to point him in the opposite direction lest he realises he's the traitor.

With his grandmother's death it leaves the uncertainty of who gets first Talon as its a position he never wanted thus making the Crows weak as there's no clear leadership.

So please forgive him for not jumping into Rooks bed straight away.

His romance is very slow and after the first 2 or 3 flirty prompts I got I did wonder if I went wrong because he was giving me nothing back.

Until we got to that scene in the pantry where he says she deserves better than his mess 🥵

Jumping towards the end of the game for a second he says that he wanted her but was too afraid to want her and it's clear when you express your interests in the previous scene he likes you, also if you visit him after he does trip over his words and says he wants, but can't.

His body language, the way he smiles, the voice, the animation of him looking at your lips when you touch his chest is just perfection only to pull away at the last second to clear his head because again he's traumatised and hasn't dealt with his inner demon, the self doubt and torture that swirls around his head.

Then we get to the heart of his personal quest, when the body of Zara reveals she was Illarios lover and it was his greed for First talon that lead him to be captured and aswell as his grandmother's 'death'.

Let's not forget he's also by this point nearly tried to kill Illario for getting in the way so again fears losing control and likely hurting Rook.

Moving onto possibly my favourite companion quest of the game we end up in the fade, inside Lucanis' mind with Spite. It's simply tragic how tortured he is inside his mind, the way he sees himself through the eyes of another especially his grandmother is so sad.

Illario is the antoganiser in his head, cruelly bringing up the history of the Dellemortes family and the massacre that wiped all but 3 people. By saying Lucanis will kill his family for a job he doesn't want just twists the situation to make it feel that Lucanis has always been tainted and that the Demon was already inside him but Rook just denys this by saying he's a professional assassin, that he's basically not a mindless killer and knows the real enemy, that his loved ones won't be hurt only the one responsible and that when he needs to do it she'll be there for him.

The romance prompt that comes after shows how vulnerable he is around her, asking her to leave him there so he doesn't risk losing her and then she basically mentions what I've written so far, about his fear of moving forward as an abominantion and hurting his family is worse than any of the torture and pain he went through; so again people just need to realise this man is so messed up and protective to the few people he has left in his life and doesn't want to hurt the one person desperately trying to help him.

After you make the decision on stopping Illario or saving Caterina where Spite and Lucanis agree to work together you get that wonderful awkward moment where the two of them are just standing silently infront of Viago and Teia which is hilarious if you play as a crow because I imagine Viago is tired of Rooks weird shit by this point 😂

I like the fact that she doesn't speak of Spite or Lucanis' fears, that what they've just experienced is for them only.

Their commitment scene is really sweet but I wish it had like an extra scene where they're sat at the dinner table and the other companions could see something had shifted between them, that they tease about feeling the love in the hazelnut tarte making the two of them bashful, you know just something a little extra but it's not the end of the world left as it is.

When they eventually crash Illarios party and find Caterina all of his fears are put to rest where she excitedly greets him, even going so far as to kiss his cheeks showing how much she loves and missed him.

When the fight occurs and he embraces Spite fully and fights off Illarios hold there's such a proud moment when you're watching him, because he has his grandmother back, Rook at his side and the Crow houses watching on as Illarios lies are exposed.

During the fight when Illario fights Rook he tells her she's chosen the wrong Dellemorte and if he does hit her Lucanis tells him he's going to pay, it's just the simple things like this that make me love Dragon age games.

When the fight is over and he asks if they should make an early exit and return home i was expecting a first kiss as it just seemed right with him saying he'll stay for her and put off the crows as long as he possibly can.

I definitely think he has one of the stronger romances towards the end of the game, when he says he'll kill every blighted creature and the gods that stand in her way and she says that she won't be thinking of that all day just made me smile.

Their actual sex scene is beautifully done too, the fact he kneels for her, the animation and responses are great, even the humorous option is really good and there's no doubt how much he loves her.

I think what people have to remember is he's terrified of losing control which is why he hides away in the pantry, he nearly kills Illario in a fit of rage and just can't face hurting Rook which is why after the near kiss he says he wants her but can't.

It's been confirmed that Spite is obsessed with Rook so you can only imagine the inner battle and what he says about Rook on a daily basis, also the fact he can't control the wings of Spite so having them during their sex scene just shows how much she means to both of them.

I am gutted about the recent art released and that we missed out on the kiss in the rain, the gondola and sex scene in the pool but this is why fanciction exists.

I think his VA did a wonderful job and he's definitely my favourite and most interesting companion.

*I'm not going to comment on his other romance because saying anything negative about her triggers people which is just insane, I don't care that characters pair off and I don't find their banter particularly flirty but it should of happened once Rook hadn't committed to either of them just like Fenris and Isabella did which wouldn't have annoyed so many people, but that's an easy fix. Just don't bring them along together 😂*

[zentraex]

Remember: German is a lot different than English. I apologize for any mistakes.

Yandere: Izuku, Katsuki, Shoto

Trigger Warnings: mention of Torture, guilt tripping, kidnapping, yandere

The Escape-Experience!

It's been years since you were kidnapped by him. 

You thought he was a good person, a hero, an angel himself. 

You had this impression of him all your school lifelong. 

Then you woke up, chained. 

Of course

There are no people who are entirely good. Fate showed it to you again in the most painful way.

Deku was a bad person, a villain, a monster himself.

For years, he has given you a false image of him. 

But I can do that too

Usually, you defeat your opponent with their own weapon. That's exactly what you did with him. 

For years, you've given him a false image of yourself. 

You did everything he wanted. After all, it doesn't take much to be a perfect housewife. 

Reality hits him hard when he comes home after a long mission and finds an empty house in front of him. 

Someone kidnapped you!

It doesn't even occur to him that you might have left him. You love him as much as he loves you! Why would you even think of that? So, why would he?

It's been years since he felt such a thirst for blood, while being without you. 

He wouldn’t simply kill your kidnapper… He would torture him to death! 

Non-stop, without sleep, he searches for you. 

It was a coincidence that he found you under a bridge. 

"Reader!"

He doesn't see the horror on your face, doesn't take the time to think about why your kidnapper isn't with you. He's just happy to have you in his arms again, to bring you home and go on living your life in peace. He won’t punish you, chains you up or anything else. Why should he? It’s not your fault you were kidnapped.

However, you won't be able to escape a second time. 

After all, we don't want anyone to kidnap you again, do we? 

You should have been called stupid for even thinking of fleeing.

We're talking about Katsuki Bakugou: King Explosion Murderer. 

The probability that you will manage to escape at all is almost zero percent. He didn't chain you anywhere, but the security system is higher than in any other house in Japan. 

So, imagine how surprised he was when he entered the home and you were no longer there. 

He knew you didn't really love him. He knew that his love was sick. He knew that what he was doing was not right. 

It was clear from the beginning that at some point you would try to escape. That's why he took such precautions.  So...

How did you do it? 

Bakugou may seem strong and cold all the time, but deep down he is very vulnerable. That's why he's standing there, hurt, but also a little panicked.

Where did you go?

How far are you ahead?

Will he ever find you again?

What if he can't find you anymore?

Life without you is impossible!

However, it doesn't take too long for him to find you. 

He knows you, has studied your thoughts, and stalked your behavior. 

Before you know where you want to go next, he's already there. 

You have lost the freedom to move around the house. At least for now.

After all, life without you is impossible. So why would he risk it again?

Shoto is not a bad person. All he wants is a little love, which he never really got to experience as a child. It would never have come to his mind that he would lock you up in his house, he doesn't want to do anything that could upset you, after all.

But the first time your life was in danger and Shoto sat powerless next to your hospital bed, he acted out of fear. 

He can't lose you! The love you give him is making him feel complete!

What would he be without it?

Nothing.

So, he kidnapped you as soon as you were released from the hospital. No security system, no cameras, nothing. 

He could never dream of doing something like that to you. 

That's why it was so easy for you to escape.

But fate is cruel, so, you ran right into him. 

When he got home, tears streamed through his face. 

"I'm sorry, Reader. I just can't lose you!"

"I'm just so scared!"

"Please don't be mad! I love you so much!"

Seeing Shoto crying like that would break everyone's heart. So, you pull him into your embrace. It's so warm...

That it makes it even more difficult for him to force tears...

[running-with-the-feels]

Hello! It’s me who created the Healer Kuai Liang Au and I just kinda wanted to expand upon it!

When it comes to your headcanon that Lin Kuei had to earn their medical attention, it’s not far off from my own! As to clarify to actually seek the medical attention you need, you must’ve actually completed your mission successfully or completed your duties, as it’s considered dishonorable(which is ironic as the Lin Kuei’s honor is non existent, but this is a idea that has existed since the Lin Kuei’s existence) to make the healers waste their energy and time on you for your mistakes and that you can patch up yourself.

However, due to this secondary job of being spy’s when the members of the clan are most vulnerable, this has lead to a lot of conflicting feelings and thoughts for Kuai Liang, as despite now they raised him, he still doest really report any issues to the main healers, even when it’s stated to him outright when an assassin is delirious and admits they have a family on the outside to care for in secret.

However, when it comes to him sneaking around and helping heal members of the clan, yeah he definitely does it, especially for Bi-Han, Hydro, and Tomas(Hell Kuai Liang actually helped look after Tomas when he first showed up to the clan and cared for him) but he usually is able to get away with it, he’s smart and knows the ins and outs of the clan. He isn’t always able to escape for sight and does get punished, the healers themselves deal with the punishment of their own, and it depends on the healer themself, but Liko, Kuai Liang’s mentor, punishes him the worse. As he usually the blood magic to punish him, reopening old scars and wounds for his disobedience and risking his idenity to be known by more members of the clan.

He does keep is a secret! Due to both the truama associated with it, the need to keep of secrecy by the healers, and how he fears people trying to exploit it.

And tbh, they find out in different time periods, Johnny and Sonya find out while on a mission with him, it’s a really desperate situation and he and the others are incredibly injured so he risks it and heals the three of them, he honestly didn’t think they would remember since they were about to be knocked out. They did and they confronted about him, and he begged them to keep it a secret.

Hanzo tho learned it through more specific means, when Kuai Liang was possessed by the dagger, it really wanted him to use his blood magic, as while it’s meant to be a healer form, it can easily harm all the same, and would actively use it against him when he fought back against it, doing the same things Liko would do and torture him. Eventually he did snap out enough to find an injured Takeda and tried to heal him, which he did, but wanst fast enough to explain before Hanzo found him and Hanzo fought he was trying to hurt Takeda and the rest of the shit happened. Takeda does eventually tell Hanzo about it. But it is too little to late

Loving all of this

I'd imagine Takeda tells Hanzo about it after Hanzo comes back from the Netherrealm (again) at the end of the mkx comics, so they're rebuilding and Takeda lets it slip without really meaning to

And Hanzo just has this moment of massive guilt bc he thinks Kuai Liang is dead (bc Hanzo left him to bleed out) so he can't thank the cryomancer for saving his son, nor apologize for how he treated him about the kamidogu

And then Hanzo gets the message from Kuai Liang asking him to meet at the Lin Kuei temple where he learns the truth about what happened to his family and as they are planning their next steps, Hanzo confronts him about it:

Hanzo: So....Takeda said that you healed him, with magic

Kuai Liang freezes, absolutely terrified: That's not- I-

Hanzo, growing concerned: I just wanted to thank you for that, for saving him

Kuai Liang is shocked because even Johnny and Sonya had been somewhat pissed when they found out, viewing the ability with suspicion and discomfort (Johnny) and trying to figure out how best to use it to their advantage (Sonya)

Kuai Liang: I-...I was the reason he was hurt, it seemed only fair that I fix him

Hanzo: Thank you for that. I could not bear to lose him, I owe you a great debt.

Kuai Liang, unused to being thanked: You don't-

Hanzo: I also owe you an apology, for trying to kill you

Kuai Liang: In your position, I would likely have done the same

Hanzo: No...I don't think you would have

[crybabysunflower]

I am so fucking insane about kim yoosung. He has been my favourite mysme guy and he will always be. People who dislike him will always make me upset since i find most of them lacking compassion towards people dealing with grief and loss

But lately I find myself get very angry towards him. Especially after I played his route this April to get his Normal Ending and I happen to notice some things about him

Kim yoosung is a chronic people pleaser and that hurts my soul. It hurts me whenever I express my dislike towards some of the things he might enjoy and he decides to never touch that thing ever again...all because I said I dont like it. It hurts my soul because I dont want people to change themselves for me...and lose their individuality....I am someone who values individuality and seeing him lose himself for me is painful.

His tendency to self sacrifice and risk his life now makes me angry. My feelings towards the concept of sacrifice is very ambivalent. In my culture where women are always expected to put others before themselves I grew up feeling a sense of shame because I had been unable to do so. Yet this concept feels very toxic to me as I have watched mothers growing agitated and abusive towards their children when they dont feel like they have been "paid back" enough by them. From an early age I have learnt that self sacrifice often comes with strings attached and eventually becomes a tool of perpetuating abusive cycles.

I do believe Yoosung is not the type who would engage in hurting others for his self sacrificial tendencies- not in the way I talked about because he chose to be that way. Men are not really expected to do things Yoosung usually engages in (being a helping hand to your partner in domestic activities, cooking and putting himself and his own well being before your partners most of the time).

But it still does not stop feeling painful to me. He risks his life and loses an eye. In one bad ending he gets tortured and God knows what else happens and takes the abuse with pride. I cannot see my partner in so much pain. I dont want to be widowed within the first six months of marriage. It hurts me that he feels the need to constantly prove to deserve my love. It hurts that he will never see how much he means to me as much I mean to him. "I just wanted to protect you-" SHUT UP SHUT UP.

Going back to the point where I mentioned how he takes the abuse in his 3rd Bad Ending with a smile. Him being so vulnerable to get into abusive relationship and even being prone to tolerate abuse and romanticise the abuse he tolerates makes me so upset. The Bad Ending 1 is a clear proof of that and how much he easily forgives people who hurt him all the time albeit being well intentioned is also another proof. Zen himself says "yoosung is too nice to make jumin suffer the consequences of his actions".

This very much drives me insane. His overall tendency to neglect himself for a crumb of affection and his fear of being abandoned makes me so angry at him. It ignites an urge in me to protect this boy from every danger. Perhaps I am projecting a bit since I feel like being able to protect Yoosung or someone like him will heal my inner child (who has been failed by most adults around them).

Its past 2 am at night and I am crying over my beloved fictional boy.

[shadowshrike]

Ascended Astarion Appreciation Post

I'm not going to do a true analysis here because I feel like all the individual lines of spawn/ascended/neutral Astartion and how broad the interpretations of them can be depending on the context of your playthrough have already been discussed ad nauseam by the fandom. The stellar voice work only adds to the ability for a player to feel a connection with whatever narrative they like best. However, I want to throw my personal experience with his storyline into the ring because I feel it's rather unusual.

For my style of play, I initially only brought Astarion along on my 'clever evil' run. I had no knowledge of his storyline before I started and didn't do any metagaming to win his approval; I just brought him along because the 2 minutes I saw of him in my main run made him seem like a good fit for a Tav with selfish choices. This was a custom bard playthrough where I made everyone love me by being a great con artist, killed the few who might make my rise to power more difficult (like the Nightsong), and lightly manipulated our companions into giving me their protection while I only took on minor risk. Naturally, Astarion played well with this character. He was entertained by having a partner to 'play' with, one who didn't get put off by cruel comments or his lust for power and was good at pretending to be manipulated by the questionably charismatic vampire.

I expected the power lust and loss of humanity toward the end of his story. What I did not expect was that by doing an Ascended playthrough first, I would ruin my desire to reload for the Spawn ending later. After all, aren't you supposed to want to do the "Good" thing when your default gameplay style is Good-aligned?

What solidified it for me were two things. First, his response to the Gur. His reaction suggested to me that he was probably a power-hungry noble before he was turned, one who paid the consequences for his cruelty, jumped at the chance for an escape through Cazador when faced with the consequences of that cruelty, and then spent the next 200 years being tortured horrifically for it. From everything I gleaned through his half-retelling, his story was much like the victims of hags or devils. I felt bad for the disproportionate horror of his fate, but there was an odd sort of justice in it as well, one that had long descended into pure evil thanks to the creature he fell victim to.

The second thing that turned me from doing a full playthrough just to see the Spawn ending was, oddly enough, the confession where he explains he's been manipulating you and has accidentally developed feelings. Now, this is partly because I may have accidentally skipped part of the animation, but when I decided to reciprocate the 'heartfelt feelings' as part of my character's manipulation, his answering smirk seemed to say, "Gotcha. So all I have to do is act vulnerable, weak, and like I would be nicer if someone just loved me for once in my life, and they'll protect me forever. I can do that."

After that point, I could never take any statement he made about redemption seriously, especially not if he was particularly blunt about it. The nail-on-the-head speeches I'd seen from him on the spawn path seemed exactly that - too perfect. Like it was exactly what a good character would want to hear, and something a rather poor manipulator but one who specializes in making people feel loved (which Astarion is) would fall back on. That's not to say the words don't ring with truth - they really do thanks to the beautiful voice work - but in the context of his relationship with power and dependence, every word felt like falling back on old habits to manage his fears. Ones he may not even be aware of, truthfully.

Do I think that was the intent by the writers? Absolutely not. But the more I pressed on in the story and he never reverted to that overly sweet act after he realized my character was actually more interested in giggling with him over how to obtain absolute power, the more it felt like the whole 'poor victim' act, although absolutely rooted in some truth, was truly an act to him.

He was terrified, would always be terrified, and had no problem doing whatever he needed to do in order to keep that terror at bay. His desperation made him easy to manipulate. He begged for both the tadpole's powers and Raphael's deal, staying true to a character that would always take the risk as long as it didn't threaten his vanity like the astral tadpole did. He was clearly incapable of forming a healthy relationship with anyone and had no interest in actually working on himself. Still, he was a master at adjusting his behaviors just enough to make himself safer in his new 'goodish' environment by acting like he had come to appreciate goodness. Not that he was ever completely heartless, even on a selfish/evil run, but it became clear that he mostly wanted goodness for himself. He didn't want a lack of chains in the world. He wanted to be the one holding them.

Ascending him was the obvious choice in an evil run. I would both be giving him the one thing he truly wanted and putting him forever in my debt...at least until his annoyance at having a debt outweighed his fear of being alone.

Becoming his spawn, on the other hand, was a hard choice. And probably the most satisfying narrative choice I made in all my playthroughs, good or evil.

For context, I had refused to use any tadpole powers in this run, giving it to him instead, so he could deal with the risk while being pleased by being handed more power. I didn't want to sacrifice anything personally while I was busy putting everyone in my debt. But here I was faced with a dilemma - did I have confidence that my character could still manipulate this vampire driven by fear enough to take the world if I let him turn me into a spawn so I could be immortal? Would the good and evil armies I'd raised to my name be enough to stop Astarion if he started to lose his utter devotion to me and made me a mindless thrall? If I said no or suddenly cast doubt on him, he'd certainly be enraged, given my prior support of him and his fear of rejection. Was the danger of angering him on top of losing that ascended vampire power worth my mortal freedoms? How long would that freedom even last if I said no, assuming he truly did end up exactly like Cazador, who would likely have just taken it from me in a rage?

Interestingly, this choice was made for me by the insight check that some people hate so much. When I saw he thought my character was still above him, that I had to degrade myself to be with him, I realized the man's leash hadn't gone anywhere. I could use him to get me the world. Yes, he would continue trying to manipulate me with empty promises, but I would continue manipulating him in turn by appealing to his petty vanity and insecurities. And together, we could have everything he ever lusted after with the only cost being a soul he was more than willing to lose.

I think the perfect cap to this was the ending. A romanced Ascended Astarion's ending was easily the most satisfying ending part of all the little character moments of all my playthroughs. The evil power fantasy was perfect. With the choices I made, it implied he was 100% as much my thrall as I was his (less literally in his case), leaving the corruption of his character beyond pure power lust open to interpretation. Add to that the satisfaction of his new unique dialogs near that end, and I was blown away. His confidence, for once, did not seem fake, though it was still informed by the fears that had driven him from the beginning. It was not his most healed or kind self (and how could he be either of those in any ending after 200 years of torture unless he was lying?), but his most free self, enjoying everything he ever wanted in a blaze of glory, relishing in his control, and fully giving himself to the newfound passions given by his second life.

Is he evil, selfish, and controlling? Absolutely. Will some hero inevitably take him out down the line when he gets a little too crazy with his powers? Probably. But such is the beauty and fun of the evil power fantasy.

It's unfortunate that playing this route, I can't enjoy how he is chained by the spawn route. I can understand what it is trying to do. Promoting the power of forgiveness, love, and support to allow someone to be their best self. It aims to apply human healing patterns to a supernatural creature in a cathartic way, one that has been successful for a great many people. But for me, it just doesn't land.

On runs where I care about his fate on a personal level, I hate to see him forced into a life where he loses all the things that have brought him joy, either now or when his lover dies. I don't want my choices 'for his own good' to mandate he forever sacrifices his own wants and needs. I hate how he tells you that you made the right choice after things have calmed down if you refuse to help him because what other option does he have? You've stripped him of hope outside of your protection. Without a cure, he's helpless at the feet of the Good heroes surrounding him who could end him in an instant if he's anything other than grateful and fawning for how much you've saved him. After the other route, that fate feels like dying a second slow death for a character so desperate for freedom and power, no matter how self-destructive it is. And since he basically says you did the 'right thing' when you have a high relationship no matter what end you choose with him, Good or Evil or in-between, it loses its power to me as a narrative anchor to any feel-good moments.

Personally, I like Astarion most as a character who is able to fulfill his base desires, ugliness and all. I think he's written in a way where he's well-suited to be both a victim and an awful person. I like the unique narrative of him being someone who is a bit of a monster and most fulfilled by being his worst self rather than seeking redemption, but appreciate that most people feel more fulfilled by a route where he's humanized and gets to heal through romance or a supportive friend.

I encourage everyone to find their own favorite variation of him. To me, he is one of the messiest characters who can have wildly different 'truths' depending on the context of your playthrough and your interpretations of his lines. Since he's a known liar and manipulator (and an unfathomably old one at that by human standards), there are a million and one different headcanons you can use to fill in the blanks on what he really means, who he really is, and what he really wants or needs.

I hope everyone out there enjoys whatever version of Astarion they like best. For me, I think I just might have to try a different variation on an evil playthrough. I want to see what other contexts I can get for his Ascension story and whether any of them hit as many satisfying narrative notes as my first.

[yaniasogames]

lacey’s flash games and the horrors of womanhood: part 1, lacey’s wardrobe!

(trigger warning for discussions and possible depictions of: sexual assault/rape, stalking, abuse, violent misogyny, gore)

so i guess it’s a bit awkward for me of all people - someone who is a girl but not assigned one at birth or passing - to be writing this post, but i just wanted to talk about this aspect of this series cause i think it’s a big part of why it feels so unique and why the horror works for so many people.

the lacey’s series is pretty often praised for it’s great horror and scares, as well as it’s depiction of trauma, but i think more specifically it deserves praise for taking subjects such as stalking and sexual abuse and executing them in a way that’s deeply sympathetic and yet still so shocking and effective.

in the first ever lacey’s video, lacey’s wardrobe, we of course follow the titular lacey in the titular game as she gets dressed for multiple occasions. a picnic, going to the mall, and a date with the “cutest guy.” all that is disrupted, though, by her stalker, a man who follows her in near every area of the game, proclaiming his love for her in a totally not creepy and invasive and wildly inappropriate way.

throughout the video, lacey seems to have no privacy, and no relief from her stalker. besides not even being safe in a public place like this one, some of the most terrifying events in the video bar the finale happen while she’s still at home. she gets threatening phone calls and a grotesque gift from the stalker that make her feel trapped, and there’s whole segments where the stalker is seen peering through her window and is heard knocking furiously on her door. all while she’s in her own bedroom getting dressed.

the videos ending consists of the player dressing up lacey and forcing her to go outside alone at night, even when she breaks the fourth wall and begs and begs and begs them not to. lacey gets cannibalized by her stalker, with audio of her crying and shots briefly flashing by of her dismembered corpse. unless, of course, her stalker kept her alive through all of this torture. said stalker’s reason for doing this?

this video on it’s own already carries a lot of dark subtext with it. it’s not uncommon knowledge that many people in real life experience stalking, with most victims being women. it’s also not uncommon knowledge that in many parts of the world, walking home at night as a woman is very unsafe and carries the risk of your wellbeing being in danger, which is why many women carry pepper spray and why products such as rape whistles exist. lacey is aware of her stalker, and pretty clearly feels unsafe throughout the whole video. her permanently smiling face and the music distort after the first call from the stalker, and she begs at the end not to go outside. she knows how vulnerable she is against this threat, but she has no agency as a video game character simply there to be dressed up and beautified by the player. it’s like watching prey get dropped right into the cage of a predator, despite all the fear it’s showing at the sound of the predators roars.

this feeling extends to how out of all of the ways lacey could’ve ended up at the end of the episode, the specific choice is made to have her be eaten. to be gruesomely consumed by a man who claims to “love” her. consumed so that he can keep a woman who shows zero interest in him all to himself, not even caring that she’s crying and in immense pain as he literally rips her apart. it’s entitled. it’s greedy. it’s horrifying. and everything about this video shows how many stalkers view their victims, and how many men view women in general - as something they consume, they indulge in. as pretty dress up dolls who only serve to fill them up and be the objects of their affection, even when those women don’t want it.

another thing to note (although i am definitely not trying to victim blame poor lacey in any capacity) is the outfit lacey wears at the end. while a common shitty excuse that rapists make to put down their victims is that “they were asking for it!!1” because of the clothes they chose to wear, lacey pretty obviously doesn’t have a choice in this situation, and for her date, the player chooses to put her in a red jacket, choker and daisy dukes, a color and articles of clothing that are often associated with flirtiness and sexuality by society. these would be great choices if lacey wanted to go on this date of her own volition, but it’s made unsettling because, again, she doesn’t have a damn choice. in two of the shots, there’s even deliberate focus on her torso and therefore chest and legs as she meets her demise. could these possibly be from the stalkers POV?

a piece of media that this all reminds me of is silent hill 3, an (actually real) horror game that also taps into the many fears women commonly face, and how it feels to be a girl in a world that largely sees you as nothing but a target, an object, a tool. while not directly tying into the main plot of that game, in the area of the brookhaven hospital, you can find letters directed to main character heather from an unseen man named stanley. these letters are very… purposefully uncomfortable. the whole vibe of this part is made even worse by the fact that 1) the sound design, way the letters are written and the fact that earlier letters disappear when you go back to them support the idea that stanley is actually in the hospital watching heather from afar, and 2) heather is still a teenager, only being 17 years old throughout this whole game. not even her young age protects her from these circumstances. hell, many girls that age are already thought of as being “woman” enough.

stanley, similar to lacey’s stalker, is convinced that himself and the girl he’s stalking are meant to be together, and he objectifies heather through his writing and the way he sends her a doll as a gift.

stanley is shown as well to be a physical threat to others. you can find out he stabbed another patient at the hospital completely unprompted, and in one of his final letters, the doll that was a gift to heather? it’s broken into pieces.

the parallels to lacey’s stalker are apparent, as he both shows signs of violence against others before harming lacey (yells and demands her to come outside over the phone and sends her a gift of blood and guts), and is shown to have broken lacey into pieces when he eats her. just like children with their dolls, violent and dangerously misogynistic men often decide to rip apart and carelessly destroy the women they view as their playthings when they aren’t getting what they want. they desire control and for women to feel like their tools, and their victims are often left feeling like they have nowhere to go that’s safe. not a picnic with friends, not the shopping mall, not their own house, nowhere at all. it’s profoundly isolating and calls to mind how many abusers function, with the typical victims of both domestic violence and stalking usually being - you guessed it - women.

while all of this is heavy stuff for one video, as the lore of the series expands in the following videos and you learn more of lacey’s situation, the themes of the abuse, objectification and unwanted sexualization women face are strengthened, and become even more integral to why the lacey’s games are the way they are.

as rocio, the in-universe creator of the series states, these are the real girl’s games.

[mamayan]

Warning: Dead Dove: Do Not Eat•NSFW•Yandere•Dark Themes•BNHA/HxH

Just a short list of yanderes you’d be better off dead than getting taken by, ranked least to worst in my opinion. This is VERY dark, and will describe ways these yanderes may accidentally or intentionally kill you. I keep it theoretical because I don’t like it too much either but you won’t see me willingly write these characters as yanderes much because they are SCARY.

Let me know if you want a part 2, and feel free to throw in comments of those you think would make the “better dead than alive with them” list!

First up on this list is Izuku Midoriya, a delusional yandere with a wildly deranged way of treating you.

He first and foremost, does not care if you love him or not, he’s going to make you act like you do though (which is torture itself). Izuku is a caretaker sort of yandere, but he’s abusive in going about it. Not being good in the bath? He’s dislocated your shoulder so you settle down. Wanna be mouthy and not eat the dinner he’s trying to feed you? He’s dislocated your jaw/slapping you so hard you spit blood/ gut punching you.

He’s also very much into your tears, but it’s up to you how you cry in the first place. Whether it’s from pain, fear, sadness, happiness, or overwhelming pleasure, Izuku loves your tears. He loves any reactions he can draw from you that makes you cute and vulnerable for him. He will absolutely break bones and even make you watch him harm your loved ones to make you comply. He won’t kill you, no never, he loves you, but if you make any sort of mistake… he’ll make you wish he didn’t love you so much.

When you do become compliant and obedient, because he will make you, it’s hell then too. He goes crazy with a power trip when you willingly (not really) submit to him. He will humiliate and degrade you (without ever cursing at your or even using words like slut/whore/worthless/etc.) “You look so cute on your knees like that, and look! You did it all by yourself this time, such a good pet, I’m so proud. You didn’t even wet yourself or make a mess this time!” He’ll remind you of the time he knocked the literal air from your lungs to drop you to your knees, which caused you to be unable to control your bladder.

He’s damn creepy too and won’t let you use the bathroom alone, sometimes won’t even let you wipe. And no, this isn’t just reserved for urine. The first time you held it so long and accidentally pissed yourself out of retaliation, he forced you to wear a diaper for a month until you were “potty trained” again.

Sex with him is not mild either nor does he care if it’s consensual, he makes you beg for your release or risk being edged until you go insane. He won’t let up. He’s also a big man as an adult, and he’s not inclined to be gentle in bed with you.

His treatment is a disgusting combination of infantilization and straight brutality. He will simultaneously make you act/feel like a helpless infant, and if you don’t comply with that treatment or lash out in any way, he’s fucking you up. If you put up a fight long enough, it could enrage him and cause him to accidentally snap your neck in his attempt to force you to calm down.

10/10 a yandere I personally would rather die than have. He’s awful. Delusional and thinks he’s doing nothing wrong, he’s the #1 Hero! He can’t do anything wrong! A literal monster. Comfort yourself inside though that you as a darling to Izuku would act as a barrier preventing him from unleashing his unhinged sadism on the world. Instead it’s you that gets that burden. In your own way, you’re a hero too. Tread with caution.

Next on this list is Shizuku Murasaki, don’t let her cute looks fool you, she is an absolute nightmare to have as a yandere for two very specific reasons.

She’s forgetful and forceful.

Shizuku will kidnap you, lock you away from the world, and then forget about how long she’s been gone from home. In her mind, it’s only been a few days, you should have plenty to eat. What she fails to remember is how impossible it is for you to escape or call her or anyone for help, as all the food disappears and the water shuts off due to her not paying the bill. Starvation and dehydration have nearly killed you multiple times. To the point you cry and beg, have severe panic attacks, when she leaves you for even a moment. Shizuku will also mistake this behavior for love, and while so cruelly cooing and soothing you, tell you she’s only going for a few hours a few weeks.

When you aren’t worried for your next meal and survival, she’s also terrible at providing you with even basic necessities like tooth paste, soap, laundry detergent. Her forgetfulness in paying water/electricity/sewage is also a major downfall in your comfort. You’ll freeze in the winter and possibly die of heat in the summer. She forgot to give you extra blankets.

Oops.

Trash has piled up and grown moldy?

Oops.

No water to shower or drink in days so you’re forced to get water from the toilet and use a bucket for your waste?

Oops.

Passed out from lack of food or nutrition?

Oops.

She’s downright a menace when it comes to taking care of you, but somehow extremely good in keeping you locked up. You have permanent damage to your nail beds from trying to claw your way through the wood of the front door. You might be saved from punishments because she’s lazy in that regard, and while she doesn’t hit or yell at you no matter how nasty your behavior, there is no denying she takes what she wants. You’re hungry and dehydrated? That needs to wait, she wants to cum and she wants to do it on your face. You feel disgusting and caked in your own sweat and grim from a week with no shower? She wants to use her new strap she picked up, so it needs to wait.

You’ll live in constant fear of dying due to her neglect and it will be a painful, lonely, and sadistic end.

11/10 sadistic without even meaning to be. The severe neglect will kill you eventually, it’s a slow and agonizing end you can’t help fighting whether you like it or not. You’ll die in your own filth, maybe from a combination of air toxicity, infection, starvation, and dehydration. Better to off yourself early if I’m being honest. She might even forget you died in her grief when she finds you, so don’t expect a proper burial, she’ll let you rot in the bed until another Troupe Member (sadly likely Phinks) has to remove your corpse and clean up.

Next we have, Overhaul, or Kai Chisaki on this list. Don’t let his handsome appearance fool you, while he may be beautiful, inside he is mentally ill to the extreme. You think he’s a bad man for abusing and torturing a little girl?

Kai is just as strict of a yandere as Izuku, but combined with his warped view of you and his OCD, it turns downright terrifying. He kills everyone you love before he takes you, because in his eyes they are literal vermin that only wish to taint and ruin you. He will calmly explain in detail who he killed and how he did it to you. If that isn’t enough, any pets you have? Dead. Immediately. They’re filthy animals that will taint you. Human contact? Forget about it. You will never feel skin on skin contact again in his care, not even his. I see a lot of depictions of Kai being a sex god as yandere, but as a real one? Even in his own eyes, he’s not worthy of touching you. He exults you to such a degree that you aren’t even really human in his eyes. Of course, you’ll be treated like the finest glass porcelain doll ever crafted, but aside from sitting on a shelf to rot for the rest of your life, then nothing else is happening. You’ll likely go insane in his care, because of the stark white room he’ll keep you in, so devoid of germs or bacteria it’ll be nauseatingly clean. The lights will go off for you to sleep for only 8 hours, but after that it’s fluorescent lights glaring at you for the remaining 16 hours of the day. Your bathroom won’t be any reprieve. You’ll have absolutely no personal comforts. Food will be the SAME THING for every meal, breakfast, lunch, dinner, and so bland and boring you’ll struggle to accept your new life.

Kai, like Shizuku, is also a yandere that wont hit you… but he’ll use his quirk on you. He’s not above taking you apart violently and putting you back together over and over and over.

Eventually you may even try to anger him just for him to take you apart. To feel something. He provides no entertainment. None at all. Have fun with your own mind and solitude in that white room.

Kai is also the most likely to have a mental break, so if you cross a certain line, he may kill you accidentally. Things like trying to seduce one of his men (for escape purposes), trying to harm yourself, trying to harm him, being filthy (you might cringe at the thought of wiping your own feces on the walls, but eventually shame and embarrassment will leave you).

He’s most likely to snap and try and clean you himself, your act of rebellion by dirtying/hurting him/harming yourself will likely leave you in a situation of…

a). He accidentally drowns you in his panicked state of washing you.

b). He uses some type of chemical (bleach) which leaves you severely injured/burned and you succumb to your wounds before medical attention can save you.

Kai is out of his damn mind, thinks of you as if you are a God/Goddess, and if you break that delusion, he will snap. I also think he’d preserve your body somehow, and you’d end up in a Snow White case so he can always look at you.

12/10 batshit crazy and very scary. No human autonomy. I just can’t help but think he’d 100% use bleach to try and “clean” his darling and that’s not a fun way to die at all. Also, his form of worship is so skewed and warped it leaves nothing but a bad taste in my mouth. He’s the idolize and stick on a shelf type, a very lonely and isolated way to live. At least Shizuku let’s you watch TV when the cable/electrical bills get paid. Kai won’t even let you have a book. Prisoner of war PTSD which will eventually lead to real insanity from that white room and isolation if Kai doesn’t kill you first.

[joels-golf-club]

Hiii!!! I have a request

Can you write something with heavy angst at the beginning like maybe a fight? And at the end super super fluffy!!! Any Pedro characters!! (Preferably whiskey or pena)

Complicated

A/n: Thanks for the request anon! I decided heavy angst meant HEAVY angst so here you go. It isn't exactly what you requested but this kinda popped into my head when I read your request and I really wanted to write it, I'm sorry. This is my first Javier Peña fic so pls have some grace <3!

Word Count: 3K

All my work is 18+, MDI!!!

Warnings: Swearing, typical Narcos violence, hurt/comfort, kidnapping, torture, real angsty, kinda fluff at the end jk I can't write fluff apparently, mentions of drinking and smoking, poorly translated Spanish (google translate 😃), no use of Y/n, attempted/talk of SA.

Your relationship with Javier Peña was complicated to say the least. You weren't officially together but there were two toothbrushes in his bathroom, there was a drawer full of your clothes in his dresser, and your coat was hanging by his front door.

He made breakfast for you most mornings and you'd kiss him goodbye when he left for work, but you weren't dating. You loved him but you've never said it to each other.

That was the worst part. You practically lived at his apartment and you feared for his life every single fucking day he went to work, but God forbid he put a damn label on whatever you were. So that's how the argument started.

"You don't need to risk your life every fucking day Javi! The world won't end if you just relax for one goddamn second!" Every single day Javi would come home black and blue. Today he came home with a fractured nose and bruises littering his body from a run in with one of Escobar sicarios.

"Why the fuck do you care? You're not my wife! You're not even my girlfriend! You're nothing to me!" The moment those words left his mouth he immediately backtracked. "Querida, I'm so sorry, I didn't me-"

But it was too late you were already walking to the door to grab your keys and pull on your shoes. "No, Javier. You're right. We aren't dating no reason I should give a damn about you. See you around." The door slammed behind you as you walked away and down the apartment complex to your car parked out front.

Your solution to the hurt radiating throughout you was to head to the nearest bar and get shit faced. Javier would've had your ass for going out and getting drunk alone in the crime capital of the world but who the hell was he to tell you what to do. Especially after what he said when you tried to show concern for him.

So here you were sitting alone at the bar, well past midnight, and probably three too many drinks deep. Getting home was the issue at hand now. Home. That should've been Javier's apartment filled with both of your belongings. The two of you should've been intertwined in bed right about now, connected in the most intimate way.

But instead you were drunk, alone, and extremely vulnerable. All because Javier fucking Peña couldn't find it in himself to commit to one person after over a year of almost dating.

As you made a move to walk out the bar and back towards the car you almost immediately stumbled just standing up, no way in hell were you driving across town to your apartment.

Walking wasn't an option either. There were already three men outside the bar looking at you in a way that was much more than just friendly.

There was only one person you could call no matter how much you wanted to avoid it.

He picked up on the third ring. "Hermosa? I'm so sorry, I didn't mean anything I said you know that right?" He immediately started spewing apologies the moment he answered the phone.

"Javier, I don't really care right now? I'm drunk, really drunk and there's these guys that aren't too far away from me and I can't drive."

"Where are you, Carino?" You gave him the address and you could hear him grab his keys and slam the door. "Stay where you are and stay on the phone ok? Do not hang up."

You nodded before remembering he couldn't see you. "Ok. " You kept an eye on the three men and couldn't help but notice they were closer than before, they had now crossed the road over to your side of the street. "Javi?"

"What is it? I'm 30 minutes away."

"Javi they're getting closer." You gasped when a flash of metal lit up in the dim streetlight. "Javi they have guns. What do I do? They have fucking guns Javi." You were panicking now and the men were only getting closer. Javier wouldn't be able to do shit in half an hour if the men decided to use their weapons.

"Lock your doors. Do not open the doors. Can you drive at all?"

You're gaze darted around and sent your head spinning. "No. Javi I can't drive! I'm so fucking stupid why would I get drunk right now? Javi what if they try to d-"

The sound of your voice over the phone was cut off by a scream and loud gunshots ringing through the line.

Javi gripped the wheel and pressed the pedal down to the floor while shouting your name. "Hey! What happened? Answer me please!" He called your name again before the line went dead. "Joder que hago? ¿Qué debo hacer? Fuck, what do I do? What do I do?"

With sweating palms and a racing pulse he called Murphy for backup.

After the men shattered your windows with bullets, they roughly yanked you out of your car, uncaring of any cuts or scrapes you got from all the broken glass, and shoved you through the doorway of the house across the street they had sat in front of earlier.

The entirety of the short walk there was spent with you fighting tooth and nail to get out of their grasp while the men felt you up through the tight dress you wore. Their dirty hands grabbed and pulled at every available inch of skin they could reach while you tried to kick and bite at their skin.

"Deja de pelear o te paso una bala por el cerebro! Stop fighting or I put a bullet through your brain!" The press of cold metal against your temple had you freezing where you stood before you were roughly shoved into a chair with the gun still pointed at your skull, keeping you still.

You tried to remember what Javi had told you to do if you were ever in one of these situations. "Do whatever they say, Hermosa. If they ask you what you know, you do not tell them anything. They will kill you the moment they don't need you anymore. Wait for the right moment if you can to fight." Right. Do what they say. Don't answer questions. You could do that.

The man with the gun came closer to you and caressed your face with the back of his hand causing you to jerk away as far as you could. The man's gaze narrowed and he backhanded you across the side of your face, sending you to the ground with your ears ringing. "Don't be a bitch. I'll have to teach you a lesson, then I'll let them have a turn with you, Hermosa." The pet name sent a fresh wave of sobs through your body at the memory of Javi calling you that only hours earlier and the man straddled your thrashing form then pulled out a knife from his jean pocket and cut away at what little remained of your torn dress and undergarments, leaving you entirely exposed to the three men while you fought beneath him.

"Stop! No, don't! Please stop!" You begged as tears flowed down your cheeks and you kicked uselessly a the man pinning you down.

"I told you to stop moving!" The man swung his fist down across your jaw, sending black dots flooding across your vision and make your ears ring once again. "Now hold still or this is gonna be so much worse for you." The man released his grip on your arms to reach for his belt, only for another man to send his boot into your ribs causing you to curl away and let out a wheezing cough.

Just as the man got his button and zipper undone and leaned over you once again you let out a scream and threw your throbbing head forward into the man's nose making a river a blood flow down his face. "You fucking bitch!" He sent his boot into your side again, making your curl up into a ball and gestured to his two men. "Tie her to the chair. Make sure she stays conscious, I want her to know what happened.

The man's words sent your eyes flying open and you immediately kicked and screamed at the hands that grabbed at your bruising arms. "No! Stop! Please, please I'm sorry! I'll do whatever you say, please!" Your screams and begging only brought a sadistic smile to the first man's face when we held up the knife he had earlier and brought the tip to your bare ribs.

He trailed the blade with just enough pressure to draw blood down to your exposed stomach and pressed the tip deeper into your skin and dragged the blade down, forcing a scream from your throat. He did this a few more times before he pulled the bloody knife away from your stomach and up to your cheeks to cut a deep line across both. He leaned forward to whisper in your ear while his hands roamed your bare body, "You look much prettier with that. Look at your pretty little stomach, Hermosa." He forced you to look down at where he had cut into your skin and your sobbed at the markings left there, AJS; the man had carved his fucking initials into your stomach.

Just as the man grabbed at your body again deafening gunshots rang out and the man's body slumped forward against your own while blood from his head and chest spilled across your skin. The two other men barely had enough time to raise their own weapons before more gunshots sounded and they slumped to the floor as well.

You looked down at the body in your bare lap and your tormentor's blank eyes stared back at you. You let out a scream and yanked at your bindings in an attempt to get away from the body, but you only managed to thrash enough to knock your chair backwards and fall to the side when you heard thundering footsteps rush into the room. You forced your eyes as closed as tight as they would go in an effort to ignore what you new was sitting right in front of you. Your body wouldn't stop shaking.

Suddenly hands were on your bare skin and you let out another piercing scream, unable to process the much more familiar grasp that pulled you upright and cut away the ropes on your wrists and ankles. "Shh, Hermosa, it's me. It's Javi." You were still shaking and sobbing when he pulled his jacket off to cover your exposed body and you still wouldn't open your eyes open from their sealed position. "Look at me, Hermosa, look at me."

You finally pealed your eyes open at his soft voice and saw the man kneeling in front of you. "Javi?"

He nodded and made sure your gaze stayed on him when he lifted you up out of the chair. "Yeah it's me, hermosa. You're okay now. you're safe."

At the sound of that name you flinched and new tears sprung to your eyes. "Please don't call me that anymore. H-he called me that."

Javi's jaw clenched and anger flared in his brown eyes but he nodded and continued walking you out of the house to where an ambulance sat outside the building. He set you down on the back of the open vehicle so the medics nearby could check you over but you gripped his hand as hard as you could the moment he let go of you.

"Please don't leave me alone, I can't be alone right now." Your hand shakes where it grips his and you can't help but stare at the cuts and bruises littering the skin there. It all seemed much more real now that you could see the marks on your skin. Your skin. The man had carved his fucking initials into your skin. You looked down and moved Javi's jacket away from your stomach to stare down at where your hip began. Blood covered the wound but you knew what was there. You lifted your hand to try and reveal the marks in a moment of morbid curiosity but-

"Querida, don't." Javi's voice pulled you from your thoughts. "I'll stay with you however long you need, but you can't touch it. Try not to look at it if that helps, alright? Estarás bien, te lo prometo. You'll be okay, I promise." You just nodded and Javi held your hands while the medic checked you over and cleaned and bandaged your wounds.

The medic informed you that you shouldn't be left alone for a few days and that you'd have to change your bandages twice a day, but you were cleared to go without having to go to the hospital.

"You'll be ok staying with me right, querida? You can't be alone and I don't want you out of my sights." You nodded silently to answer his question which only made him furrow his brows and concern took over his face, but he said nothing and just guided you over to his jeep.

The two of you drove in silence for about ten minutes before you spoke for the first time in well over an hour. "Javi?"

"Sí?"

You swallowed hard and stared down at your still shaking hands. Why won't they stop shaking? "I'm sorry for all this. If I didn't try to be so controlling with you earlier and if I didn't go and get drunk like a fucking idiot you wouldn't had to have dealt with me and-"

"Darling. Stop it. Stop thinking for one second that any of this is your fault. You aren't controlling, you care and I didn't know how to act because of it and that is no excuse for any of the absolute shit I said, by the way. And you aren't an idiot, you are the smartest person I know and you just did what anyone would do after a long day. The only people to blame are the hijos de puta that did this to you. So please, darling, for both our sakes don't blame yourself." He had just pulled up to your apartment when he stopped speaking and he parked before turning to face you.

Tears streamed down your face and the tight feeling in your chest was back from earlier and your fucking hands wouldn't stop shaking. "He marked me, Javi..." You whispered in between sobs as your shoulders shook. You looked up just to see Javi's face fall apart.

"He did what?" His voice came out a broken whisper full of pain for you.

"He marked me! He took a knife and carved his goddamn initials into my skin! He made sure it would scar so that I can't ever forget! What kind of sick fucking psycho does that shit?" Your sobs came faster and Javi hopped out of the car and ran to your door, pulling you into his arms.

"Baby, I'm so fucking sorry. I know that doesn't do shit, but you didn't deserve a single second of what you went through. You know that right?" You nodded and let him pull you out of the car as he ushered you upstairs to his apartment.

Once the door was closed and locked behind you two, you steeled yourself and forced away your tears before turning to face Javi again. You would not waste anymore tears on the fucker who did this to you, he didn't even deserve a thought. You wanted to set things right between you and Javi and if what happened today is what that takes, so be it."Javi. I love you, and I'm sick of your shit."

Shock filled the man's face across from you and he shook his head. This was the first time saying those words to him and the circumstance seemed less than ideal. "Querida what are you saying?"

"I love you so goddamn much and I know you love me and you just won't say it. I will not stick around if it's going to be more of the same as what it has been. You will either take me on a date when I'm over all this bullshit and make what we are official, or I'm getting my stuff and leaving." You stared Javi dead in the eyes and narrowed your gaze when his face split into a grin and he let out a short bark of laughter.

"There you are, baby."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Javi just grinned wider and shook his head before he wrapped you in his arms and pressed a kiss to your temple. You melted into his grasp but confusion still filled you.

"You've had this... this look on your face after everything like you're not quite here but you are now. That's great, baby. And just so we're clear, I will take you on a date the second you are feeling up to it. Then I will take you back here and you can officially move in after I spend hours making up for everything stupid thing I have done or said to you." His voice had taken on a slight seductive whisper at the end that sent a small shiver through you and you grinned as you wrapped your bruised arms around him.

"That sounds perfect, Javi. Now let go of me because I really need a fucking shower or I'm never going on that date with you." The reminder of the blood and grime still on you from the events of the night made you shudder and the mood changed instantly but Javi just nodded and squeezed your hand in reassurance as he walked with you towards the bathroom. He would be with you through everything and he would help you get through this.

[annakenziesworld]

What's gonna happen to Lunar?

this post will include spoilers and mentions of child abuse, sibling abuse, Stockholm syndrome, kidnapping, and manipulation!

Due to the things moon had said about how Lunar is with eclipse still despite them not trusting Eclipse and being horrified of him to a point merely hearing his name gives him a panic attack. I feel like if he is kidnapped, it could create a holt on the ability to use star power at free will due to his fear in a similar manner as when his bodies appearance changed after eclipse spoke to him through the computer. I also feel like due to the abuser and victim dynamic between eclipse and lunar I could see some sort of brotherly Stockholm syndrome happening by eclipse manipulating Lunar. Reason I predict that is because if Eclipse is to get his hands on Lunar he'd need to make Lunar use his power which would have to be done in two ways 1. Torturing him with pain and various things to make him purposely lose control 2. Manipulate him into trusting him or believing eclipse actually cares about lunar, which could be done through means of something such as love bombing.

This would be done by eclipse giving Lunar positive brotherly attention but the moment Lunar does something 'wrong' he retracts the attention from Lunar as some sort of punishment and an act of disappointment. Which psychologically once someone starts receiving all that positive attention and its taken away he's likely to try to chase after Eclipse to try and get the previous attentions back since now that Lunar is in that situation the natural need to feel wanted and needed would be being played around with. Which would inevitably lead into Lunar re-entering a state of dependency on Eclipse. Because despite Lunar constantly having the tough guy act and preaching about how he hates Eclipse which of course he does. After all eclipse abused him mentally and physically and even killed him. But when you also keep in mind the fact that manipulation victims can easily be put back into those situations if pushed hard enough, and when you consider the fact Lunar is in constant refusal and denial to cope with his problems? It also makes him more vulnerable to eclipse. I believe that Lunar also could be put into a weaker role since even though Lunar was repaired his coding was never changed merely fixed.

However this is all possible if Eclipse gets to Lunar before Solar and Moons security guard is done, and with how often earth and monty are spending together without Lunar I can see it leading to Lunar being put into a vulnerable situation due to being alone more often. The risks are even greater due to the fact Pollux and Castor are not aloud or required to meddle with such problems unless something bad happens that could affect the astrals.

If anyone has a theory or a question they'd likes an opinion on feel free to ask or comment and I'll make a post on it!

[kitkatt0430]

Hello! You always seem to answer asks in a level, well-balanced way, so I was wondering if you could help answer a question I have. I love Arrow, but I wish they portrayed Oliver's PTSD / depression / general mental health issues more. However, I've been reading some fics where they weave this into their narratives, and I've been thinking maybe there is PTSD in canon. Anyway, I was wondering what your thoughts on this are, if you don't mind. I'm sorry to bother you, or if this is weird!!

I'm sorry it's been like... over a year since you sent this in. So hopefully you're still interested in what I've got to say (ramble) about this topic. There's definitely a lot going on with Oliver's PTSD in canon. Not necessarily in the way the writers probably intended all the time, but he has a lot of unexamined trauma responses going on.

When Oliver arrives back in Starling at the start of the show, he has things fairly well together but he's absolutely not prepared for the way going home is going to affect him. He's focused on the mission he's given himself which is, in his mind, honoring his father's sacrifice (killing himself to give Oliver 100% of the remaining supplies on the raft) and making up for his father's shortcomings (fucking over a lot of employees by outsourcing after promising not to). He assumes at this point that the List is something his father compiled and everything he does is geared towards furthering this mission.

And he's absolutely thinking like an ARGUS agent right now. Which is why he both is and isn't reacting the way people around him would expect. What they expect is someone who spent the better part (if not the entirety) of five years in isolation on an island where he had at best some half-forgotten boy scout training to keep him from keeling over dead after a week. What they actually got is someone who was pretty much immediately tortured by both the 'good' guys and 'bad' guys on the island and used as a pawn by both sides. While Yao Fei does try to help Oliver at times, his methods aren't always well thought out and once one of his daughters is involved, well...

And then when that was over, Oliver is dragged into a search for a super soldier serum that winds up transforming someone Oliver respected and admired into a rage fueled monster, something Oliver no doubt blamed himself for because he injected Slade with the serum. He also blames himself for Shado's death - whose death is later echoed in Slade's murder of Moira - and what he believes, at the time, to be Sara's death 2.0. And if he has any real idea of what Sara went through between the Gambit going down and their reunion? He probably blames himself for Sara falling into the hands of a rapist too.

Then ARGUS picks him up and while Oliver takes fairly well to their training, the number of traumatic events he's being forced to live through keeps going up. Including the death of a child he loved, the destruction of a family that he had begun counting as his own, and multiple chances to go home that he could not take either for fear of risking loved ones lives or because he no longer felt worthy of their love. I have only the vaguest ideas of the Russia and return to the island arcs, but those were pretty traumatizing too.

And all of that is 'the island' to Oliver. He's been through a lot and he is fundamentally changed. But back home where he's surrounded by people who do not expect him to be strong all the time and want him to be vulnerable with them, Oliver's finally in a place where he can start to address his trauma. And I think that scares him at first. He doesn't know how to reach out to Thea, unwittingly exacerbating her own struggles with the trauma of losing Oliver and her father being dug back up by Oliver's return. Moira is terrified that Oliver knows something that will make him a target to Malcolm. Walter is being faced with the guilt of falling in love with his best friend's wife all over again. Everyone is broken.

And I think this is where Oliver's problems with lying really get cemented. He's trying so hard to be what everyone expects of him that he tells them what they want to hear. Even after bringing Dig in as the first member of Team Arrow alongside himself, Oliver still lies repeatedly to Dig about his experiences on the island. Because Dig expects Oliver was on that island for five years, Oliver just... lets that continue. Because he lies to Laurel about his identity of the Hood, Laurel is unable to reconcile the killer the Hood is capable of being with the more heroic mission Oliver's appointed himself with. Because he holds Tommy at a distance, their relationship splinters over Tommy's fears of disappointing his loved ones and of never being good enough - especially compared to Oliver.

Oliver's still afraid of being too broken and having done too many terrible things to ever be comfortable being fully himself with anyone throughout the entire show. Though I think he gets closest to relaxing and trusting someone with Barry, in part because Barry isn't around much so Oliver doesn't see much of Barry's more judgy side. It's easier to open up to someone who is very unlikely to be harmed by Oliver's secrets and who isn't going to be there every day pushing Oliver to open up when he's not ready to.

And that's a big problem for Oliver in S1. He's not ready to open up and everyone is pushing for him to do so. Thea is the biggest culprit, though to be fair she needs Oliver to open up to her for her own sake. She's been through a lot and is struggling with depression - much like Oliver was at her age - and she wants Oliver's sympathy and understanding, but is getting a lot more tough love than she was prepared for. Even if the tough love is more of what she needs. Moira pushes Oliver to join the family business because she is trying to protect him from her - and Robert's - mistakes. But she's pushing him to be the son she wants him to be, not the son he is, and it takes time for them to reach a better balance. Walter's probably the only one who doesn't push his expectations on Oliver in his immediate family, which makes it disappointing we don't get more of him and Oliver bonding as family.

Dig, Tommy, and Laurel are less about pressuring Oliver to open up, but Oliver has his own expectations where they're concerned that causes friction and problems. And Felicity becomes the biggest source of pressure to open up over the series, which isn't always bad but sometimes she holds him to a standard that she is not herself willing to meet.

And while Oliver's lying is probably his biggest problem throughout the show, let it not be overshadowed by his willingness to sacrifice himself. Over the course of the show - and indeed, in it's final crossover event - Oliver is badly affected by people whose deaths he blames himself for. He isn't a careless fighter, but he's invested in his missions over his well being to the point where he would not hesitate to sacrifice himself to achieve his goals or to keep the people he loves alive. He does want to live for them, but he doesn't really think himself worthy of them. I think S3 makes that abundantly clear in the way he sacrifices himself to the League to save Thea. He simply just... does not value his own well being. He's been taught not to value his own well being - in particular by Waller and ARGUS - and it's very much evidence of his ongoing struggles with PTSD.

We don't see much of his difficulties with nightmares, but I do love how in S1 we get to see him having one and he nearly hurts his mother upon waking because he just does not know it's her at first. This is a pretty common problem for people who suffer PTSD + nightmares/night terrors. It's typically advised to wake someone having nightmares at a distance, not by shaking or standing over them but talking to them firmly from a place of safety. Physically touching or looming over someone may trigger a fight/flight impulse on waking and someone whose been through the traumas Oliver's been through? Heavily weighted towards fight.

And while I don't fault Moira or Walter for not knowing this, I do think they should have consulted someone to get a better understanding of how to support Oliver. It would have been interesting to show Moira, or Walter, talking to a therapist and trying to understand where Oliver's coming from and what kind of healing he might need in the wake of the time he spent away.

The show's focus is, of course, heavily on Oliver fighting bad guys and saving his city. And not always doing a perfect job of it, because there's always something that goes wrong, something that ties his present to his failures in the past. Re-traumatizing him and sometimes erasing his progress towards healing, though the writing tends to skitter over that aspect without really acknowledging it.

[0sipsofcoffee0]

♡" im not sure if you realize this, but i adore you. "♡ ( YANDERE ALPHABETS )

>♡(tw: unwanted affection/sexual assault mentions n some gory mentions)♡<

♡ > Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

She spoils you with fresh flowers, kisses and hugs, even if you don't want them. She would almost never do anything bad to you, but her love can and will get extremely intense. (e.g. tying you down to pepper your pretty face with kisses.)

♡ > Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

She would probably paint white roses red with the poor person who dared to lay their filthy disgusting hands on you, then of course gift them to you as "red roses". (queen of hearts reference?!?!?!??!)

♡ > Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

She would spend every free second she has with you, she'd never mock you, but you screaming in fear and crying until your eyes were red would be more than enough for her.

♡ > Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will?

She will probably torture every single person who dared to risk your and her's relationship, right in front of you. Then give you orange juice and sweet kisses with her still bloodied face. She would also probably take your clothes off and admire you for a long period of time.

♡ > Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

Most of her heart is absolutely free to you, she's like a lovesick puppy around your bound body. She's just a lot more normal to outsiders.

♡ > Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

Mocked, and sadness. She hates seeing her dear beloved, out of everyone, fight back her affection and love.

♡ > Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

It was a bit like a game, like a minigame where you had to win the heart of a terrified student at your school. She knows you'll never even have a chance to stand up with how tightly she bound you to the chair with ropes.

♡ > Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?

At one point, you had tried to escape and almost succeeded, though you failed to see her come up behind you with a hammer. She made sure your legs would not be able to work whatsoever for at least two months.

♡ > Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

She wanted you so badly to just accept her feelings, but you just had to be a little brat and deny all feelings for her. She could envision you staying with her for a long, long time.

♡ > Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

She'll occasionally let you call someone so they wouldn't get suspicious of her keeping you captive. She'd get more jealous than she thought if you talk to them for more than fifteen minutes. She'll probably mutilate your legs then adore you all bloodied up.

♡ > Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

Lovely, she'd give you cuddles, hugs and kisses, everything you could ask for, a hot meal, rose petal bath, crystal champagne. Just not freedom.

♡ > Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

She'd give you fresh flowers she grew herself during her first approach, and constant physical affection.

♡ > Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

Not really, she's as sweet and kind as with everyone she's around, just a bit more unhinged around you.

♡ > Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

Hurt you, degrade you, everything on the charts. She would step on you, penetrate you with small blades, so many more things.

♡ > Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

Your use of your limbs, and your rights to defy her words. She won't mind anything else.

♡ > Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

You could yell, scream, curse and even throw things at her, and she'd still see you as hers. She's quite patient with you, her one and only fiery passion.

♡ > Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

She'd be able to move on, but not without snapping once or twice. She will always find you, some way or another.

♡ > Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

She'd feel guilty, but not guilty enough to let you go.

♡ > Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

She first met you at a florist's shop, she fell in love with you and your smile, your laugh, your eyes, everything about you was so, so perfect. She first thought of this when she saw fictional stories, and thought that this method would be perfect to keep you safe from outsiders. (pov: breakign 4th wall???)

♡ > Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

She'll think she's not treating you well enough, but she knows all she has to do is a little manipulation and gaslighting for you to come around.

♡ > Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

She takes things slow, one step at a time, make sure you're in her arms before she would come up with a calculated plan. Overall, she wouldn't kill anyone for her beloved, just torture the people who threatened their love and some blackmail.

♡ > Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

Her father is a sensitive topic, and she would most definitely be able to be exploited using some evidence of father-daughter rape, but not enough for her to let you go.

♡ > Wit’s end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

As previously mentioned, of course she would, she would only merely hesitate but would usually go about her methods.

♡ > Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

She worships your very being like a god between her arms, like a precious jewel never found before within the earthly plains. She'd do oh, so many things to win you over.

♡ > Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

She'll admire you for a few years before breaking off your relationship, thinking your relationship was going way too slow.

♡ > Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

Of course, she'll only hesitate to literally break your physical and mental properties permanently, though she'll do it painfully slow.

♡ " you love me darling, you just need some time to realize it. " ♡

im not good at writing yandere things help

[crushng]

back on my meta bs but something about gin being born from a time loop begot his monstrous behavior and disconnect from reality? (aka a rumination from 1am last night)

when gin started to hurt people he did it because it was the only thing left to do. he knew people intimately who had no idea who he was. he had no socially acceptable way available to him thru which to make connections. there was no way that he as a (neurodivergent) stranger was ever going to be able to be charming enough to get the emotional interactions he was after. (something that i would argue humans need to survive)

so to him the only avenue that was open to him was to crack each person open in violent and emotionally destructive ways. he wanted to be able to understand people, to interact with deep fears and passions and see who they truly were.

so he used fear and violence and torture as leverage to get at the soft gooey emotions he wanted. and it was safer this way too. he couldn’t be rejected on the basis of who he was this way. he was being rejected because of the actions he felt forced to take, absolving him of responsibility and even of social anxiety to a degree

he wasn’t exchanging his own vulnerability here either. he was the one in power. he could control the narrative. he could more or less control the outcome. it was safer for him to destroy than it would have been for him to risk rejection and shame by being overly familiar with someone who might find him creepy or weird or annoying

and this way he could learn about people in the course of one loop, and skip across to a redux of the same or a very similar timeline and use the knowledge he’d gained from taking this person completely apart to insert himself into their lives with more charm and grace and a higher degree of success. he could be wanted this way. maybe even known. perhaps even loved.

but the methods he’d been using for so long were just so much easier than exploiting that information in a slow and methodical way. he doesn’t have the patience for a plodding narrative. he wants the action and the romance and the fun right off the bat. he pushes the bounds of every relationship he forms until they shatter. it’s easier to fly into a murderous rage when the consequences of murder are nonexistent

he’ll just be kinder next time. he’ll be gentler. they deserve the love and the kindness, he’s just on his way to deliver it.

and that doesn’t work when you insert it into real life. or into a space where someone remembers and consequences matter.

gin’s forever going to be mismatched to his environment and dysfunctional and disconnected because who he has become no longer fits within the bounds of a single reality, he won’t survive it. he has grown to fit a new shape, a grotesque figure all misshapen and disgusting and full of calluses. he can’t engage in intimacy without destruction because he has never known how to do anything else. born and raised into a time loop, consequence free, no weight to morality, every decision therefore exclusively self serving because any kind of payoff that could be paid forward would just be destroyed in the end. literally the nihilism

can you imagine knowing someone inside and out and never being able to get close enough to touch. and if you break that rule you have only two paths. you can stop early and lose all your progress and end up with nothing. or you can follow the rabbit hole all the way down until you can find and take what it is you want. you can be satisfied.

and what’s the logic in being parched forever to the benefit of literally no one. why would he ever choose not to satisfy his own desires when over and over it’s shown to him that nothing can be to anyone else’s benefit ever. it all goes up on smoke.

you’re a normal person in a world that rips normal away from you. there’s no more normal. there’s nothing left but your bleeding heart

man like. the readjustment period of someone coming out of that space and time

murder used to be the only viable option (or at least that’s what he concluded) and now everything has immediate consequences

is it possible to be kind after that? how do you learn to love again when your version of love has always been terror?

[llycaons]

ep13: oh, the misogyny

wwx is finding a way to DISCREETLY get the formation to rest for lwj, who is walking on a broken leg, and still jc is like 'what the fuck did you do now' like damn jc he can't do anything right. makes that post about jc hero-worshipping wwx and copying what he does and idolizing him even funnier

wwx and jc gossiping about wlj is so mean. of course she can't carry a sword, she never learned how! she was a maid. they're clearly judging her for sleeping her way into a position of power, but I see you wen chao I know it's more on you than on her

wwx falling down/out of/off things. first of many!

this is a really pretty shot ngl the water is lovely

wlj being positioned as the jealous, spiteful mistress using her power to harm a Good Woman is so shitty. they both were treated (in this arc) as one-dimensional tools to support the arcs of the men around the. wlj I know the writing did you dirty but you will always be a legend to ME for miss 'ghosts don't exist'

interesting moment - it's actually lwj who steps in to defend mm with jzx. wwx looks like he wants to, but jc shakes his head and wwx ultimately stays put. it's cool to see lwj and wwx trade off scenes that establish them as willing to defy authority and risk attack for the sake of protecting the vulnerable. it makes their ideals and goals feel truly mutual and balanced rather than wwx coming in and inspiring lwj to have a moral code (as is sometimes interpreted by fans)

this fight scene is genuinely REALLY fun and well-crafted. jzx and lwj have some sick moves, as do jc and wwx

WEI WUXIAN ICONIC MOMENTS. god I love it when he points out the hypocrisy of the great sects and the cultivation world. why is this scene never talked about! it's literally one of the best from him in this arc

again a TRAGEDY that this significant moment between them chalks up to an angsty subplot for wwx and lwj later on. it's a fucking good aspect of their relationship and it does compel me like lwj drunk-branding himself is INSANE and I'll never get over it but the misogyny 😭

wwx shot three arrows at once and took out wlj and mm's two guards without hitting mm herself LEGEND

she is literally the only wen with an understanding of how politics work

FAMOUS LAST WORDS. my dude you just locked the teenager who's going to torture you to death in a cave with the weapon he's going to use to do it

this is literally such a fucking funny joke. slept on. also wwx does take serious situations seriously but he also sometimes does this. I don't even blame jc for being like 'are you serious right now'

YOU ARE BOTH SO USELESS. SCREAM

of COURSE mm is the one to slip and cut her hand and release blood to awaken the monster. of course it had to be her

I'd say that she deserved better but honestly after this her arc really rules and she's one of the few characters to get a happy ending so I can't be too mad

this scene is wild. lwj jumps in and THROWS wwx behind him like 20 ft

jc yelling at wwx to be careful and promising to come back. aw man

also WHY ARE THEY ALL LEAVING. wouldn't it be much easier to kill the false xuanwu if they stay and work together? I don't think wwx even expected lwj to stay with him. he was really ready to stay there and fight it off alone and maybe die in the process. he's unwell!

okay this has always bothered me. WHERE DOES HE FIND THE STICKS THEY ARE UNDERGROUND

that underrobe is so beautiful purely on an aesthetic level ugh he has such good taste. also I like that you can see his bare skin under it like HOW hot was that branding iron jfc

EVIDENCE!!!! EVIDENCE for my 'wwx is intimidated by lwj's earnestness and his fears around commitment/the strength of his own feelings cause him to avoid his feelings because getting too attached/too serious is scary for him even tho deep down he craves it'

wwx casually asserting getting scars/being injured as a...sexy and impressive sort of triumph of masculinity (?) as a young teenager vs. his devastated expression seeing lwj's scars as an adult. he has so much to learn

this translation is so weird. just say inedia?

[endofevery1everythingeverywhere]

Why I adore Ayla

Ayla is broken. Shattered. Held together by hate, spite, anger, resentment, and fear. At her core she is lonely and afraid of emotional intimacy. Just a fucking mess. Despite her cold and threatening demeanor, Ayla captured my heart almost immediately. I felt that deep inside was a damaged soul worth rescuing. I hurt for her, and wanted so badly for that Ayla, hidden so deep, to experience love and companionship and to become the person she deserves to be.

Ayla does find someone who cuts through her walls and gives her the trust and safety to risk being open, a young woman named Flowridia. Ayla shows her vulnerability so many times throughout the books and that just makes me love her more. She breaks down over and over, disclosing and growing every time. I so love to see that growth and development. Though Ayla has remorselessly tortured and slaughtered across the centuries, killing hundreds of thousands, I feel for her and want her to have a chance. I root for her soul even with every new atrocity she commits.

Ayla makes many mistakes during her growth. She treats Flowridia cruelly, especially at first. But Ayla bares herself completely when she confesses her love for Flowridia. This scene is one of my favorites in all of literature, as beautiful as it is heart-rendering. Ayla emotionally clings to Flowridia in desperation, begging Flowridia to never leave. Ayla has opened herself to love for the second time in 1700 years, and I so love how fully Ayla loves Flowridia.

Not long after, Ayla sacrifices her life to save Flowridia from an angry god. That is not the end, though. Ayla’s spirit stays with Flowridia, and Flowridia manages to bring Ayla back to her.

Ayla continues trying to be better for Flowridia. She makes many mistakes, often becoming angry, talking to Flowridia cruely, and leaving. She always comes back though, ashamed and apologetic, and shares whatever traumatic experiences lay behind that anger. Ayla becomes more trusting and caring with Flowridia, and in general more peaceful, calm, and supportive. Genuine affection blossoms between Ayla and Flowridia, and Ayla develops relationship skills. Ayla is just so poorly socialized in so many ways, but she tries over and over to be the partner she feels Flowridia deserves. The pure love, commitment, and dedication that Ayla showers on Flowridia is what makes me love Ayla. I have always seen this inside her, crushed by the pain and betrayal and the evil she has experienced in the world. I feel this is who Ayla really is, who she should have been all along, and this is the Ayla I love.

multiple times, lol.

*Ayla Darkleaf is an MC (IMO *the* MC lol) in the Fallen Gods series by SD Simper. All quotes in this blog come from one of the books or from stories in the same world posted on SD’s Patreon Links to the books and to SD's Patreon in my original post, linked below.

AYLA*

Please note! Everything I write on this blog will contain spoilers!!! I confess, I love a monster. A monster in her being and a monster in

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