#how the FUCK am i supposed to go about my daily business as usual???

[izzy-c-illustration]

still thinking about the dndads season 2 finale. please give me 3-5 business days to process.

[rusquared]

09/06/2023, 3PM EST

actually, the other me in my head drawls, your feelings on 200mg of caffeine and a handful of poems aren't any more true or valid than your regular feelings.

which is true, admittedly. there's nothing any more noble about these tears than my other ones. or the sarcastic comeback to a friend's joke. or the panicked words of advice that spill from my lips when i don't know how to make it better.

the way the world maintains its beauty is by ignoring whatever a random human has to say about it. the flowers still spread their petals when you're not there to snap a picture. the stars still twinkle and combust and send us little messages, even without our expensive telescopes. the neurons in your brain are busy as always, even if you forget to think about thinking about thinking.

my little brother turned 17 today. this is no sweet 16 or big adult 18. and i once again did have to check with my mum was it the 6th or the 7th? (we mix it up. often. sixth and seventh of september are easily confused.) 17 isn't a particularly momentous age. except when it is, when i first ventured into a new chapter at that exact age. as far i'm concerned, my brother is still a 12 year old and i am still a 17 year old and i am still a beacon of hope and great media recommendations. of course.

to remember a date is awfully inconvenient. like the 26th. or the 22nd. or the 20th of another month. i remember birthdays i have no use of and i forget birthdays of people i hug daily. i'm sorry, i hope you never find out which category you fall into. love is awfully confusing. most days i think i don't love you at all, because i think i have a chasm where the usual heart is supposed to be. other times i think god, our ordinary days were so beautiful. but only in retrospect, only when i'm no longer in that moment with you.

the way we maintain love is by pretending we don't at all. to focus only on the flowers in february and the exciting first date. nevermind the fact that everything i touch has been touched by another. nevermind the way we love and get hurt and then love all over again. not entirely out of choice, mind you. we simply cannot exist in this world without encountering others, and we cannot control the little loves that spring in our hearts. so fucking stubborn. i still don't remember your birthday, except for when i do, or when i write it down in a calendar. and i still can't forget your birthday, though by now we've spent more years as strangers than we did friends. horrifying. i loved you.

say the physicists have their breakthrough and we can capture every particle's activity from the beginning of time in the world's most convoluted and ugly equation. horrifying. they're going to look at some fluctuation of one electron out of a near infinite number and they won't even know it's from my one action potential of a countably uncountable number of them, from the time i thought of you.

[broken0verseer]

The hunters and the man Pt.1

TW: Implied Child Neglect, cringe?

Word count: 1,599

Fear

It’s one of the most common feelings among childern, I mean you would be scared too if everything didn’t fully make sense and adults always think their better then you, I mean how would you like it if every little concern or problem you had was just brushed off because the ADULT DECIDED IT WASN’T WORTH THEIR FUCKING TIME AND NOW YOU HAD A SCAR MARRING YOUR FACE THAT MAKES OTHER KIDS LAUGH AT YOU ALL BECAUSE THE PARENT WHO WERE SUPOOSED TO PROTECT YOU WERE TO BUSY GETTING HIGH AND ARGUING ABOUT FUCKING POLTICS!

Sorry, got a little heated there, but you get what I mean don’t you? I mean being pushed around just because you're small is awful and I hate it.. Oh! I haven’t properly introduced myself yet to you, I am Aleksandra Zabójca A polish-American kid who lives with her parents, dog, and used to live with her auntie as well, but after a big  fight with my parents, Auntie left and I can’t find her, I know she's somewhere at the local lake though. 

But that Lake is near a camp called camp blood. It's pretty unsettling, or is it called something else?

I woke up to the sound of my parents fighting again. Can’t they at least fight quietly?

“Seriously why won’t they just get a divorce, be so much easier” I muttered bitterly under my breath before reluctantly leaving the warmth and comfort of my bed before starting my daily search or my scarf which I know I left on my desk last night, but noo, it’s not there anymore 

Seriously, does the universe hate me?.. Wait.

“Crap! You gotta be kidding me” I panicked once I realized that the only way it could go missing was by miś my Husky that was apparently from Siberia, get it, cause my dog is a Siberian Husky.. I’m funny

Seriously, why is the dog breed called that? 

Probably cause it’s a husky from Siberia 

I continue to look for Miś and my scarf, looking through my entire room aimlessly before deciding I’m better than this and grabbing my large poncho with a hood, it had bear ears I love this poncho

Deciding I can be mad at my bear of a dog later I venture downstairs quietly, Mom had gone back to bed and Papa is making me breakfast, At least he cares I shook myself from the thought and continued my quiet crusade from the stairs to the kitchen to sneak some bacon without having to acknowledge the fact that the Miś has most likely ripped up my scarf, it was something Pa had made himself, and while he did care about me, he hated Mom more than he loved me..

Seriously, what is stopping them from divorcing?!

“Where do you think you’re going Aleksandra?” I heard my Pa’s voice before I could see him. How did I not see him, he’s the size of the front door!

In short I ended up getting an earful from Pa about keeping my clothes out of the dog's reach and asking before taking food. But How was I supposed to know that Miś could reach onto my desk?! Also the food was mine anyways!

But overall not a terrible morning, it could’ve been worse, Mom would have talked to me about it, and I did not want to listen to a woman who barely cared enough to get me treatment for the skin cancer on my cheek and jaw to lecture me on what to do..

She's the whole Reason Pa had to cut part of my face off.. If she wasn’t so concerned on buying her stupid vodka then maybe I wouldn’t look like this

Sorry, I’m getting distracted, but we are now at the bus stop where I wait for my one and only friend Gabirella or as I like to call her Gabi.

I am noticing a ton of the dumb college students who usually hang around here and either

A: make fun of my face

B: make fun of me and Gabi

C: do drugs and smoke

D: all of the above

I was pretty happy they weren’t here today, But I missed Gabi, she was probably sick and her Mom forgot to call my Pa and let him know she wouldn’t be at school today.

Oh bus is here

I hopped onto the bus, making my way to the back where usually all the fifth graders sit, but since I’m in fourth grade and I’m wayy more mature than them I like to think of myself as a fifth grader already. Just need to get taller. 

The bus ride goes without issue, just sitting in the back alone like usual when Gabi is sick I miss her though, at lease with her the other kids interact with me, now they just stare and look disgusted It kinda hurts

While I was getting lost in what little thoughts I have, my bus had pulled into the school driveway thingy where all the buses pull up to drop off children, Getting my bag I shuffled off the bus in a line with the other kids, making my way to Ms. Kimble was your teacher, and she was pretty nice, giving me the support I needed while being treated as a zoo animal almost. A few other kids are nice and even liked to play hunter and deer with me!

Hunter and deer is one of my favorite games, up in my top thirteen with tag and hide and seek, as well as uno and guess the item. But enough about the games I like to play I should explain how you play Hunter and deer.

So basically you need around 3 or 10 people to play, and one of the players is chosen to be the hunter based on what they ate for lunch that day, for example if one of the kids had a ham sandwich and the other kids didn’t have a lot of meat in their lunch the kid who had a ham sandwich would bet the hunter and the rest would be the deer.

I came up with the game with the help of my Auntie.. But if I’m being honest she’s more like a mom to me then an Auntie.. But that's a thought to unpack another day.

”Hey, Sandra, come see. A bear cub and its mother” Auntie said, her voice thick with the slavic accent she had but wouldn’t admit to. I crawled onto her lap to look through the binoculars.

”Bears are so cool Auntie, just like you!”  I said happily, looking up at my Auntie.. My hero, and she looked down at me with a love in her eyes that could only be described as parental love.. Which was weird because she was just my Auntie.. But she was a mom to me.. I love my Auntie 

”Hey Auntie, promise you’ll never leave me?” I asked, as I turned around to hug her, wanting more of the love I never got from my mom.. She was barely my mom.. No.. Auntie was my mom

”Of course I’ll never leave you, Child” My auntie spoke with such kindness. I believed her, I believed her when she embraced me and pet my hair, I believed her when she promised me.. Because Auntie wouldn’t break her promises.. right?

It was lunch time now, and I was jolted awake from that sweet yet sad memory by my friend Shasha. He was one of my good friends that would play Uno with me and Gabi when we had indoor recess.  

“Alek, you alright? Another nightmare?” Shasha’s kind voice broke through my thoughts, making me re-focus on what I was doing.

“No, No, just tired that’s all, Pa and Mom were fighting all night and you know how they are” the embarrassment was evident by the fact I was playing thumb wars with myself, which I like to think is pretty impressive but my friends think it’s a tad weird.

“Anyone else gonna play with us?” I inquired, opening my lunch box to look at the food my Pa packed, my stomach gurgling uncomfortably.

“The others are buying lunch” Sasha spoke, opening his own lunch box and then grinning at me.

I hummed at his answer, choosing to ignore the concerningly large grin he had on his face before a smile ghosted my face as I saw kielbasa and pierogies.. MAC AN CHEESE I couldn’t believe it, not only had my Pa packed pretty much all of my favorite snacks and he managed to perform some sort of magic to keep them all warm for lunch..

Soon the others came to the lunch table, Cheyenne, Jude, and Jack, they were all siblings, well, technically they were triplets. Their poor mother.

“Sorry we’re late, Dad forgot to pack our lunches again” Cheyenne spoke first sitting down next to me with her brothers following suit, Jack sitting next to her and Jude sitting next to Sasha. 

“It is fine friends” Sasha reassured “Who should be Hunter this time?” He followed up with a question, taking a few bites from his pasta, That pasta looks yummy

“I dunno, Alek, have you gotten a turn to be the hunter this week?” Jude asked, turning the attention to me, I didn’t mind though.

“I don’t think I have” I said, pursing my lips before deciding to ask another question. “Anyone else wanna be the Hunter?” The silence that followed told me all that I needed to know.

I was the hunter this time.

@samaraxmorgan

[nonexistent-introvert]

Strangers

Pairing: Stephen Strange x f!reader

Word Count: 1.2k

Content: Angst, drifting, rivals to friends? (can be read as platonic)

Synopsis: It's weird how some people become more closed off the longer you get to know them

A/N: Can you tell that I absolutely love the fixing someone else up while having a conversation trope? i also may have got carried away writing the rivals part

   The more time you spend with someone, the closer you'll get. Right? That is the answer no matter how you think of it. The logical answer, but Stephen Strange never seemed to fall under the usual norms did he? You stared at the messages, the perfunctory messages he had typed out. The one word short answers to entertain your long messages. You settled your phone away, running your hands through your hair. Were you just overthinking matters? You shook away those thoughts in your head, you had enough of coming up with excuses for him. The truth was in your face, there is no such thing as mixed signals. Stephen and you were drifting apart and there was nothing you could do about it. Not when he refuses to cooperate, not when he’s the reason that your friendship was going up in flames in the first place. 

     The both of you should have stayed rivals, total opposites that butted heads at every opportunity. “Enough the both of you.” The phrase that was commonly passed around to diffuse the tension between the both of you whenever both of you were in the same room. 

     “Of course, Dr Strange just has to choose the opposite of me. Are you sure you’re not doing this out of spite?” You snarked, rolling your eyes when Stephen voted against your idea. Stephen merely rearranged the papers on his desk, eyes furrowing as he scanned the documents. “I am a professional, I don’t disagree simply out of spite. I separate work and emotions unlike a certain someone.” You huffed, “You wanna give an example and an elaboration on that?” “Oh can I? I would love-” 

    “Cut it out the both of you. Let’s focus on the matters at hand.” the both of you fell silent, fuming silently at each other. You hated how arrogant he was, how he spoke with utmost confidence and the trumphiant look on his face as he emerged victorious with his stupid idea. Being in this field was supposed to be about helping people, it’s not a competition of who has a  better idea, and that’s how Stephen sees it, at least to you. He treated his job like it was his daily ego booster. 

    “I fucking hate Dr Strange.” That phrase had escaped you more times than a polite greeting had. Your friend laughed next to you, long used to you saying that. “You know the more you say it, the more you sound like you’re just convincing yourself that you don’t have a crush on him.” You glared at Danelle, your closest friend in the hospital. A disgusted look on your face at the thought of having feelings for him. “He’s nice, polite even. Just a bit of a perfectionist and most importantly, is a sight for sore eyes.” Danelle winked. You coughed, “Are you sure we are talking about the same person?” You shook your head. “He’s the most arrogant bastard I know. He talks like he has all the solutions to all the problems in the world. What is he? Jesus?” Danelle fell silent, her eyes looking at someone behind you. A sudden realisation dawned upon you, you always had the worst luck when it comes to this. 

     “Are you talking bad about me again?” Stephen smirked, towering above you with his height. “I got an operation to prepare for, don’t kill each other.” Danelle excused, leaving you to fend for yourself. “You know, I seem to be constantly on your mind.” Stephen commented, taking Danelle’s seat opposite you. “Don’t be delusional.” You replied. He laughed under his breath. “Are you not tired? Just going against me?” You stuck out an accusing finger at him, “That should be my line. I would be minding my own business until you come along. Like right now.” 

    “Then let’s have a truce.” He suggested. You simply got up and left. Stephen let put an exasperated huff at your behavior.

   “Something is wrong.” Danelle commented to another doctor. Her eyes switching between Stephen and you. “It has been awfully quiet and they are in close proximity of each other.” “Maybe they are arguing telepathically now.” Dr Watson replied. “I can hear you.” Stephen spoke up. “Just focus Stephen.” You scolded, you needed the file by today and you were not keen on working overtime again. “Stephen?” Danelle exclaimed. “Since when were you guys on a first name basis?” Her eyes widening in horror. She had only agreed to come work together in the meeting room because she had found the squabbling that the both of you did on a daily basis rather entertaining but it looks like the both of you had resolved the differences between each other. 

   “Stephen shut up,” You remarked the moment you watched him open his mouth. He glanced at you, “Would it kill you to not be mean to me for once?” “I never said I agreed to that truce.” He pursed his lips. “Well, I’ll be the better one out of the two of us and keep to it.” He said, returning back to the file in his hands.

    You weren’t quite sure when you had gone past the stages of rivals to becoming friends. Maybe it was the late nights together in the mostly empty hospital. He would spend his time talking to you and doing work together. Eventually the insults and arguing became actual conversations about personal interests. 

    “Safety first.” You laughed, opening the plaster as you stared at the small cut you got. Stephen shook his head from behind his desk. “Then your carelessness would be second.” You narrowed your eyes at him, “You are actually so lame Stephen Strange.” “I’m not trying to be funny” Stephen replied, standing up from his chair. 

   Stephen took the plaster from you. “I don’t know how you became a doctor with how careless you are.” “Just luck.” He smiled warmly, “You must have a ton of it.” “A good person gets rewarded eventually.” He gave you a skeptical look, leaning over from his seat beside you to the rubbish bin to throw the packaging. “I deal with you on a daily basis.” He bit back a smile as he placed the plaster onto the cut. “Sorry, I am a pain in the ass.” Your eyes widened in surprise. “Can we get that on memo?” He shook his head as laughter reverberated onto the walls of the room. 

   His eyes crinkled as he smiled. He leaned forward a little to better hear the nurse he was talking to. Your eyes was transfixed on his every move, memorizing his every feature. It was pathetic, from him chasing after you in hallways for a small conversation to you admiring him from afar. You stilled yourself before walking out from the corner. Stephen glanced at you, giving you a curt nod before hurrying his steps. 

   You look down onto the floor. Your fists clenching at your sides.  Rereading old conversations and realizing the differences in the past and the present. The conversations that still made you laugh even if it was merely a fragment of the past. Spending more time with someone was supposed to make you closer with them, but as you reminisced on the past, you couldn’t help but wish that things were like the past. You would rather bicker and fight with Stephen everyday than be treated like a stranger. 

    He’s a stranger that knows more about you than some of your friends. A stranger that had left such a mark on you that you miss him. It was impossible to miss a stranger but Stephen Strange was always known for accomplishing the impossible.

[mr-leach]

Okay so I am so close to taking my supervisor to the side and tearing her to shreds and then taking the bosses aside and tearing them to shreds because there are just so many little things about every single job that are never set in stone to the point where unless you are glued to your supervisor (impossible in my department for reasons that I will soon explain) you will have no idea how to do the job right and at least one thing will have to be fixed/changed and you will of course be blamed for it.

Yesterday I had a job where it was unclear to me where the tags should go on the garment. This has happened so many times that it might as well be a daily occurrence. Our athletic tops usually have the label on the left side seam of the garment, because tags on the collar are obtrusive and uncomfortable. Except when the customer wants the tag on the collar, of course. Usually, when that happens, the technical drawing on the work order reflects this. There's also another, secret rule that if there's two tags attached to the bundle (our logo tag plus the legally required fibre content/washing instructions tag) then it MUST be put at the collar. Sometimes though, the people bundling the job will just throw the additional tags in, even though they're not required, and we're supposed to just know when they're not supposed to be used. I have had jobs with hundreds of pieces where I was given two tags and put them on, only to be told after the fact that I should not have put both tags on. It's very frustrating. Oh, but SOMETIMES the customer will ask for things that we supposedly NEVER do, like they will want shorts with 2 tags, and so in that case we ARE supposed to sew both on, even though normally we NEVER sew 2 tags into shorts.

You can see how this gets annoying.

Now you might think that the order sheet that comes with each job would give us this information. It does not. Sometimes the sheet will have context clues on it, like when there's a tag clearly visible on the technical drawing. Sometimes, if there's only one tag, I know there's an 80% chance that tag goes on the side seam and not the neck. But otherwise, I typically have to ask my supervisor.

My supervisor is never around. She actually runs 3 different departments in different parts of the factory, and she is almost never in ours. She has a "helper" in each department, who is someone that basically keeps track of the work to be done and relays any issues to her (before you ask, no, they do not get paid more for the added responsibilities. Obviously. 🙃). Does the helper have access to the secret knowledge regarding the minute details that aren't accounted for on each order sheet? No. Why the fuck would they know that.

So if I have a question about where the fucking tag goes on something, the person directly overseeing me has no way to answer that question. Oh, but our supervisor doesn't like it when any of us get up from our machines and goes looking for her because it makes her look bad, so I have to ask her helper to do it for me. This goes for any of the half dozen of us in our department, meaning that sometimes, my guy isn't even around to relay my question, because he's busy relaying someone else's question. Idk how me sitting on my hands waiting to just ask someone where a label goes does not also look bad on my supervisor but what do I know. When this happens several times a week, or even several times a day, it can get really fucking old, and honestly it makes me feel bad for the helper because he also has his own work he needs to get done and he's stuck running around having to ask dumb questions that should be easily answered by the order sheet. So I'm really just incentivized to try and figure this shit out on my own by process of elimination, while running the risk of getting it wrong.

So yesterday! I had shirts to make. Tags on the side, right? Er, well, there's 2 tags. Well, then, tags on the back neck, right? But wait a fucking second. The technical drawing shows a printed tag (where the tag info is printed onto the fabric directly, for comfort). Maybe the person bundling added 2 tags by mistake? Maybe it's still a side tag, but with 2 labels, for some reason? I have no clue. And helper has gone somewhere. Fuck.

So I sew both tags into the side. I mean why the fuck would they make sure to show a printed tag in the technical drawing if they wanted back neck tags. It takes effort to add the printed tag to the drawing. And if the two tags in the side is wrong, I can blame it on the person who bundled the job for putting in the extra tag.

EXCEPT NOPE WRONG it was back neck tags all along! Apparently I should have seen the two tags and ignored any and all other information and just known to put them in the back neck. I fucking. Hate this shit. Of course when I explained my reasoning, the helper also thought it was weird that the technical drawing showed a printed tag and not a physical tag so he had to run around and be told by the supervisor that yeah, it was supposed to have two tags at the back neck.

Where is this information??? Why does she know where it goes and why is that so different from the context clues?? Also the person bundling must have got that information from somewhere too, how do they know???? WHY ISN'T IT WRITTEN ON THE ORDER SHEET??? GAAAAHHH!!!!!

[youarethedancingdean]

Day 6 of @steddie-week

Prompt: Misunderstandings, You looking at me, looking at you - Ozzy Osbourne

Eddie's Journal

- Keep out!! -

- Seriously!! -

Do you even realize that things have changed between us? I didn't expect us to be the same forever, but you seem to keep secrets from me nowadays. You barely talk anymore, if you do it's nothing of substance; we need milk, who picks Dustin up from the station?, I'll do the dishes, you pick your hair out of the sink. It's all just errands and tasks and daily business, no sweet nothing, no I love you...

Sometimes I wonder if it was all just a dream. If you never really loved me to begin with and I just wanted you to so badly that I made you pretend. Nancy says I'm dramatic for thinking that and perhaps I am, but it's hard to see past the change.

You're definitely keeping something from me and it's driving me insane. Is it someone else? I'd let you go, you know. I love you so much that all I want is for you to be happy. I'm used to misery and people leaving me behind, so go and be happy with them. I want you to.

I don't want to lose you, but it's hard to hold on. I know you see the way my eyes turn sad when I look at you these days and I wonder why you never say anything about it. You have to care about how you make me feel, right? You always have. What changed? What did I do?

I should probably talk to you about all this, but a tiny part of me thinks I'm exaggerating. Perhaps you didn't really change and you don't want to leave, but I expect you to because people always have.

Steve Harrington, I love you with all I have. It's not much, I know, but it has to count for something. Why don't you-

"Eddie?! Come on we gotta go!" Steve called from the living room. Eddie sighed and pushed his journal and pen into his ratty shoulder bag (he didn't leave it laying around anymore for obvious reasons) and grabbed the bag to leave with his boyfriend. Steve had something planned that just sounded like a nice way to break up with him in Eddie's head and they were apparently running late already.

They had a nice dinner that Eddie could barely enjoy. It wasn't too fancy, which he appreciated, but it was nice in theory nonetheless. A good pick for a last supper.

"So, when are you doing it? Could you just rip off the band-aid and break up with me already? I've suffered enough, I really have." They stood at a pretty place outside the city, a small river flowing in the not too far distance and the noise of the last birds of the evening in the air. A shame he wouldn't be able to come here again after tonight.

Steve looked at him with wide, worried eyes. "I noticed you were picking up on something, but I didn't want to ruin the surprise. God, I had no idea how bad it was. Babe, I'm never going to leave you," he clarified hurriedly. "You cannot promise that," Eddie whispered sadly. "No, I suppose I can't. But I'm not leaving you, okay? I love you and this is so far from a break-up date." Eddie searched Steve's face for lies, but couldn't find any. That didn't mean anything these days, though.

"Then what is this? You barely talk to me for weeks and then you take me out somewhere. What am I supposed to think?" he questioned, his voice wasn't angry, just disappointed and flat.

"You're right, I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you, if you let me," Steve responded, gentle smile on his face. He took Eddie's hand in one of his and moved to get on one knee in front of it. "A blow job isn't going to cut it, Harrington," Eddie pointed out with a raised brow. "Do you really think as little of you and me that you can't see what I'm doing?" Steve chuckled.

He took a deep breath then, looked up at Eddie in front of him and gave him a loving smile. "I'm not good at keeping secrets, I fuck up when I try in one way or another. This time I hurt you and I'm so so sorry I did. It wasn't my intention. You see, this had to be a surprise and since we share everything usually it was hard to keep it. I love you, Eddie Munson. More than I ever loved anything. And I wanted to ask you this for a while now.

"Will you make me the happiest man alive and dead and marry me?"

Oh-

"What? Steve, you know I would, but we can't. We're both guys, remember?" Eddie responded in confusion.

Steve laughed warmly, he didn't know what else he had expected. "I know we can't, not officially at least. But I wanna celebrate us somehow anyways. I wanna celebrate a pretend wedding to show you how much I mean it when I say I'm not leaving. Nancy would officiate, which should feel weirder than it does. I already picked my best man," he explained.

"You want a wedding. Of course you do," Eddie replied with a short laugh. He should've known that Steve wouldn't leave him. He'd promised so many times before. "We'll have a wedding then," Eddie smiled widely before he didn't. He pointed at Steve with his free hand, "Henderson is my best man." Steve scoffed, "No way, I've known him longer. He is mine!"

[andersonpress]

#DEEPTHOTS - What The F*ck Just Happened?

May 11, 2021

How did we get here? 

Bitch...it’s May. How the fuck did we get to 2021? I haven’t had a sliver of free space in my brain to process 2020...the last time I wrote a #DEEPTHOT my campus was in a state of emergency - YIKES by Nicki Minaj was bangin’ and I had just bought a dog. I was fed up with the time space continuum and the fact that professors seem to operate outside of it. School continues to be business as usual and like usual - millions are getting left behind. 

I took a break from the monotony of dog motherhood and being cooped up in the house to be a slave - I got a 9 to 5. Yeah I know, dumb bitch behavior. As the world wants us to think: I should be using my freetime to make money, stack paper, #grindszn. Call me Fall Out Boy - the mighty fell. I found myself running to the private restroom at my job saying things like ‘this will all be worth it,’; ‘I’ll be able to meet my needs,’ and all the other stupid shit you convince yourself to believe when you are making money for someone else for pennies on the dollar. The things you say to delude yourself out of thinking about how disrespected you feel on the daily, how little you know your administration feels about you, how little thanks you get for consistently saving the day. Oops, am I talking too loud? I couldn’t even think about doing fun shit - I had to work. Yeah...not doing that shit again. 

What even is normal anyway? 

My mantra since this shit began has been: 

I can not control anyone’s actions but my own. 

Being a survivor of abuse - you don't have a concept of normal. Getting called out of your name by someone you love IS normal. Putting hands on people in your family IS normal. Making yourself small for the betterment of the family...chile who tf said that shit was normal? Now take it to the internet: Whether at a protest, online forums, sneaking out past quari-curfew - everyone was so LOUD and WRONG. ‘The age of misinformation’ didn’t end..it got a Canva Pro subscription. Activist groups filled with elitists disguised as anarchists. Mutual aid funds embezzling money. Diversity, BIPOC, Access, and AAVE keep flying around on my timeline with messengers who don’t know the cashapp of any Black people. Y’all really tried to bully me into voting for Uncle Joe and KOONmala remember? The Western world continues to take shots at American policy makers instead of refocusing our energy on countries with little to no access to vaccinations for COVID - 19. What the fuck is happening? Fuck my trauma look at the world. What governments believe to be 'normal.' What community members find 'normal.' It was all too much to take in. 

So I took a major step back in all aspects of my life.

I turned inward so as to focus on finishing my proposal (ya know my Doctoral degree) and I'm almost there. I rallied for my friends when needed, cared for some folks, sent money to causes I could, and shamed yt people into doing work. I did what I could - which is what I am going to continue to do. 

I have not been processing my life as I used to. So many things have changed about it, I don't want to spend all of my time trying to comprehend and not on living. And I mean when, where, how are we supposed to process what's going on? There has been zero process time for the horrors of these past few years. I went from codependency - to addiction - to running from my problems - to blaming other people - to isolating myself - to having daily panic attacks - to be a codependent leaning/bird on the run type/narcissist baby ass bitch. And I just learned that I actually did all that shit THIS year. I expect things from myself that I can't do. My capacity to understand is there but my drive to push thru stopped. I have always heard folks say that things in your life start to "blur" together...years of monotony go by. In marriages you hate, avoiding people who care about you... yeah I've done that already. And then had to get UNdone from it. We put things off cause we don't have the time or the energy to deal with it but it just piles up. Getting undone is an intimate process. Surreal. It's wild to know the power you hold - to hurt people - change people's lives - be a fuck up - do fucked up shit. But we must embrace our capacity for evil as much as our capacity for good. Balance is key. I'm continuing to survive and trying to be happy. Keyword of 'try.' I am unlearning every fucking day. Re learning - refusing to accept certain truths - living in the world I want to live in. Unlearning is forever. Through the pandemic, partnerships, education, workshops, large moments in your life - you will have to learn you really ain't all that special. Shit really isn't about YOU. People are snakes - ask any fire sign...we constantly feel wronged. People have negative intentions for you - you are delusional about how close you are to people - you allow people to cross your boundaries - you sacrifice portions of yourself to make others happy. 

Baby, that's not gone work.

Are you ready for a revolution? 

I’ve found peace in keeping up with international revolutionaries, activists, students, and community members all pushing their messages. Sounding off around the world! The struggle is international - it’s nothing personal. Similar with my suicide attempts and being a survivor of abuse - I'm not alone. Everything I feel is for me. My experience is mine. But everyone else also has their own very real experiences. I am not the only person with emotions. Everyone is going through shit. You get to moments in life where you feel like things don't stop - no time to break - no time to understand. But the future is filled with intention. And bad bitchery. And crying. 

Being neurotypical makes things so much harder. Being Black makes it nearly impossible. Being queer makes this dangerous. I am not supposed to be happy. Healing is not linear. 

Unlearning for me looks like a full on breakdown...for 30 minutes. (Hey I used to spiral for days now I got it down to under 30 minutes shout out to my therapist). At first there is a slew of emotions: anger, confusion, doubt, anxiety, depression, jealousy...real ugly thoughts. I jot those thoughts down in my phone, write lyrics, take pictures, or hula hoop until my head slows down. I validate all that shit first. Damn, I felt that shit - it was wild - but we reach the end of this portion. Then I research, find others who are going through what I am and apply changes to my lifestyle. I have my counselor and core friends to hold me accountable to being accepting to change. I talk to myself, my ancestors, my community for guidance. I'm getting better at asking for help. 

I remember my partner mentioning Octavia Butler's words that change is God. How I see it - We are capable of change - take the metaphor how you will. 

It's ok Tay. Breathe. Do. Be. That is enough. Time to push through mama. Living as if the world can change. That’s the mission. 

[youre-amazing-say-it]

Hey girlie when’s the new fic coming, no rush btw xx

IT'S HERE! Sorry for the delay life has been crazy. But im on spring break and very excited to work on some pieces.

Let me know what you guys think. If you want a part 2 or something. Next piece is the drunk peter one.

Just Do It

WARNINGS: Depression, suicide attempt, mention of drugs, swearing, underage drinking (dont do it kids), angst OMG, fluffy end.

Summary: Based on the Pete Davidson quote " Ive always been suicidal but ive never had the balls"

Pairing: avengers (Steve, Tony, Nat, Clint, Bruce, Sam, Bucky, Scott Peter) x reader

I hated that I was loved. Life would be so much easier.

It would give me a reason that explains the feeling and thoughts I've had for the past year. But I knew I lived a very fortunate life. I had the best of both worlds, one as a high schooler, the other one as a superhero named Blue Gaze. I thought for a while that if I stopped with my secret identity, life might be better. But it also could become worse, and that was the last thing I wanted. So I just continue to hide under my pain and fears, hiding in the clouded thoughts that fill my head. Reminding me daily that I'm a shitty person, people only care about because of my powers, and nobody would blink an eye at me if I was gone.

And I know when you're feeling like this, you're supposed to talk to someone. but at this point, I don't know what will happen if I talk to someone and I become “better”. it scares the shit out of me. I have kind of become content with my sadness and I don't know what else to do. So I try my best to find different things to distract myself from the feelings.

I'm a junior in high school, going to a local public school. I'm what you call a good kid. I get good grades, don’t stay out late, and was a model student But it all changed around six months ago when I meet my partner Chris. they are the best worst influence I could ask for. They knew and understood my thoughts and knew that I needed a form of escapism. Soon, we were dating and it was a great distraction. They introduced me to marijuana, alcohol, and it was incredible. They made me happy at the moment and not in the long run.

Now here I am, riding up the elevator, at 1 am, to the compound. I had my backpack on, getting a stash of stuff from our friends. I'm staying here this weekend as my parents are out of town. My parents have been concerned about my behavior and well-being for a while now, and even told Tony about their concerns. He tried to talk to me about it, but it only made it worst.

The elevator opened up and I walked into the kitchen. I was out with Chris and their friends and I'm not as drunk as usual, but enough to feel numb. I went to go grab some leftover food in the fridge but before I could even grab the food the door shut and Steve Rodgers had his hand on the fridge. “HEY!” he said, staring at me. If I was sober I would have been scared, but instead, I was given a confidence boost.

“The hell do you want? I'm busy and hungry so get out of my way.” I said as I shoved past his shoulder, going to grab an apple from the fruit bowl but a hand dragged it away. Tony looked at me, with fear and anger in his eyes.

“We have been calling and texting you all night. No answers, no nothing. Hell, you managed to even bypass my security and turn off your location. Mind tell us where the FUCK you have been?” Tony said, gesturing to the mighty heroes behind him. I didn’t even register walking in how many people were in the room. Sam and Bucky were behind the couch, Nat and Scott were sitting on it. Adjacent to them was Wanda and Vision, on the opposite couch, with Bruce standing behind them. But what surprised me the most was Peter standing next to Bruce, eyes red and puffy.

“You don’t need to know everything I do. You aren't my parents, you guys don't own me. I'm allowed to have a fucking life.” I said, annoyed, looking at them.

“We are your parents for this weekend,” said Steve, turning my attention back to him. “You're staying here, therefore you are our responsibility. So let me ask this again. where have you been?” I could tell where this conversation was going, and I didn’t want to deal with it.

“I was out with friends. I'm going to bed.” I said, looking at the team as I walked away.

“Like hell, you're not!” I heard Sam yell behind me. I slowly turn around. “we're going to discuss this. You don't get to walk in here at 1:00 AM smelling like weed and crappy beer, expecting to get out of it.” Sam tells me as he walked closer to me. Before he got too close, Scott appeared next to him.

“What Sam is trying to say is that we're just concerned about you,” Scott said, looking at me like I was a lost dog. “You've been hanging with the wrong crowd, pushing people away. We just want to know what going on. We care about you Y/n.” he walks closer to me, trying to hug me but I step to the side to avoid the interaction.

“Oh cut the crap guys. You don't care about me, you only care about Blue Gaze. You only work with Blue Gaze. Our relationship starts and ends with my mask. You guys couldn’t give two shits about my life." I was annoyed at this point. I had plans for the rest of the night but now they want to talk about my feelings? Fuck no.

"What makes you think that? We care about you. I care about you Y/n” Peter states. I couldn't look at him. He was my best friend, the one I feel closest with out of the bunch. But I haven't spoken to him in a while. Now that they see me as someone who needs help, they are being nice to me now. I hated it. It made me feel angry.

"You don't care about me! All you see is a damsel in distress and you want to save me. But I’m fine.” I said as I heard my voice crack. I could tell they could hear it too. Nat starts talking to me in her motherly voice.

“We just want to help you Y/n. Tell us how we can help” she said. I felt this anger and frustration starting to build up inside me and I felt I was about to break.

“You wanna help me? Fine! Go get a gun and shoot me 'cause I can't bring myself to do it.” I yell as I burst. I looked at my co-workers and they were silent. They couldn’t believe I said that. I couldn’t believe I said that. In fact, I was pissed I said.

"What did you just say?" Bucky asked. I looked at him and I felt fury within me. I didn’t want to say it in the first place but now I have to say it again.

“I'm sorry, Does the Super soldier with super hearing need me to repeat myself? I said I want someone to kill me. It's not that hard, especially for you.” I said. As soon as I said that last part, I knew it was a low blow. But I was in too deep, plus I had a lot to express.

“Y/N! Why the hell would you say that?” Steve said, storming over towards me.

“Why not? It's the truth, and you guys want me to be truthful, don't you? You want me to tell you how I feel. Well, I want to die and Bucky has killed people without any guilt. So I know he can do it so I want him to do it.” I see tears form in the soldier's eyes as he storms out. Sam comes towards me, fire in his eye.

"I don't give two shits about what you're feeling right now, that was incredibly uncalled for.” He shouts before leaving to find Bucky.

“Fine! If he won't do it, how about you Nat?” I said as I make my way to her. “Red room assassin? Go get a gun and kill me. It would solve everyone’s problems, so Just do it!” I scream in her face as I feel us get farther apart from each other. Steve and Scott are pulling me back, as I see Clint get Nat and lead her out of the room. Everyone just continued to stare at me, waiting to see what I would say next. I didn’t even notice the tears coming down my face until Scott pulled me out of my head.

"Hey Kiddo," he said, wiping the tears off my face with his thumb. I looked at him with tearfilled eyes. "Do you want to talk?" i shrugged my shoulders. My heart was telling me to open up because they care, but my head was telling me to run away and avoid talking about it.

“Come here,” he said, walking us over to the couch. I sat down and looked at the floor. Steve sat next to me with Scott on the other side, Peter and Tony on the other couch with Bruce behind them. “What going on Y/n?” Steve said. I couldn't look at him, I couldn't look at anyone. I wanted to hold back but I also knew it would be helpful to talk about it. “Take your time,” he said, putting his arm around me. He brought me into a side hug. I could tell he wanted to do it for comfort, but it was mainly a way to hold me in place so I don’t lash out again. I let out a shaky breath before speaking.

“I want to die but I can't. I have tried multiple times. I've been so close to pulling the trigger, swallowing the pills, or jumping off the ledge. But I think about you guys or my family finding me and I can't bring myself to do it” I say, continuing to look at the floor. I haven’t told anyone this and I know it wouldn’t be the last. "But just because I can't do it, doesn’t make the thoughts and feelings go away.” It was quiet, everyone was waiting for me to say something but I don’t know what else to say. Peter was one of the first ones to speak.

“Why would you want to die? You are a hero, everyone adores you.” Peter said. I looked at him and he hasn’t stopped crying, but they were more silent tears.

“Blue Gaze is a hero, that’s who people love! Nobody cares about a random high schooler.”

“We care about you Y/n, so much,” Scott said, holding hand, caressing it with his thumb.

“No, you don’t!” I start to stand up but Steve's tight hold of me keeps me on the couch. I take a few breathes, to keep myself grounded, so I don’t say something I'll regret.

"Kiddo, we care about you a whole lot. I care about you. But you are scaring me with the way you have been acting. I don't want you to go down the road I was on." Tony said. I knew it meant a lot for him to say that, he doesn't talk about his past a lot. I didn’t even realize Bruce coming over to sit in front.

“Y/n, I need you to be honest with me. I know it will be hard but you have to if you want us to help.” Bruce lifts my chin so I'm forced to look at him. My eyes were full of tears and regret. “Do you think you can do that?” he said, looking at me.

I look around and see my coworkers, or family, waiting for my response. Could I do it? Could I be honest? I want to, but I don’t know what will happen next. Will they send me away? Will I no longer be an avenger? I’ve been holding onto this part of my life for too long, and it's been eating away at me day by day. Maybe it’s time to finally let go. I took a breathe before responding

“Yeah, I'm ready to get help. I'm ready to be honest”

A/N: Ahhh! what do you guys think? please let me know!

Tags: @winter-soldier-vibes @angeldreifics @luvhann @xennityxen

[malleux]

spell [2]. | corpse husband

part one ; part three

-> Pairing: Corpse Husband x Fem!Reader

-> Genre: Fluff, Slight Angst

-> Warnings: Hate Comments, Self Doubt, Anxiety, Cursing

-> A/N: thank you for 1k notes on part one! i’m so glad everyone likes my work. it’s really nice getting this much love after taking a hiatus on my fire emblem writing blog. i hope y’all enjoy it and stay on the lookout for part three!

corpse husband taglist is closed!

Two weeks.

It’s been two weeks since you joined Sean’s Among Us stream.

While that was your first public appearance, you had joined three others after that and already you were blowing up on almost every social media platform you had. The attention was kind of nice, you had to admit, but sometimes the anxiety of becoming a public figure weighed heavily on your shoulders.

During that time, you turned to your friends who were used to such scrutiny: Sean, Felix, and now Corpse, who you’ve been talking to every day for those two weeks.

It was another one of those nights where, at 1am, you were on Facetime with said man. His screen was dark, as usual. He hadn’t shown his face yet and you respected that. You didn’t need to see him to talk to him, or be his friend, or develop a slight crush on him. All of which you did.

The call was relatively silent on your end. Corpse was on Facetime with you, yes, but he was also on a call in Discord, once again playing Among Us.

You often wondered if playing that game was all your new friends did anymore.

You stayed quiet, letting Corpse play the game and avoiding his fans finding out about your call. You had college work to finish anyways, so the silence was rather helpful.

“We should ask Y/N if she wants to play. I wanna meet her.” Sykkuno’s voice rang out from the Discord call. He was right- you’d never met him. He and Corpse seemed extremely close, though, so you’d love to talk to him. A friend of your crush friend was a friend of yours.

“She’s busy tonight.” Corpse responded.

“Yeah, she’s got an exam coming up- wait, how do you know?” Sean joined in, questioning Corpse.

“Uh, I mean we’re on Facetime right now, I guess.” Your heart sped up- now his fans knew. “She’s studying. We’re just hanging out.”

“Didn’t you guys ‘hang out’ last night as well? It seems like you’re trying to take my best friend away from me.” Sean joked back.

“I mean, I definitely am.”

Your breath caught in your throat. What was that supposed to mean? Sean was obviously kidding, but the tone in Corpse’s voice wasn’t the one he used when he was joking as well.

Felix suddenly butted in. “Ooooh, I think Corpse-y has a little crush.”

“And if I do?”

Y/N.exe has stopped working.

꧁꧂

Three weeks, now, that you’ve been talking to Corpse daily.

One week since Corpse’s crush comment and one week that you’ve endured countless mentions and tags on Instagram and Twitter, constantly talking about #CorpseY/N.

You didn’t really mind the shipping, often losing yourself in daydreams about driving those two hours down from your apartment in Los Angeles down to San Diego and running into his arms. It didn’t help when he mentioned wanting you to come visit one day.

You just worried about how Corpse felt about them. He was still relatively new to blowing up on the internet as well, his fame suddenly skyrocketing in the past few months, so you weren’t sure if he was comfortable with them. You didn’t want to bring it up, either, fearing that the discussion would make things awkward between the two of you.

For now, you were rather content with just scrolling through the #CorpseY/N hashtag, looking at the pictures and nice things people had to say about you both.

“they’re so cute when they talk to each other, you can just tell Corpse meant it when he said he was trying to steal Y/N away.”

“#CorpseY/N is my new favorite thing. Everyone shut up this is all I’ll be talking about from now on.”

“God why can’t they just be together already? #CorpseY/N”

Everyone was so supportive and sweet, it almost made you feel like you already were Corpse’s girlfriend. Although your heart hurt when you were brought back to reality, you couldn’t help but love the comments that everyone left. They were amazing.

Until they weren’t.

There are always two sides of the same coin. Along from the supporters and their loving actions, there were also those who seethed at the idea of you and Corpse.

They scrutinized everything about you to the point that you made your Instagram account- already with 30k followers- private.

Haters talked about you. Your body, your personality, how you weren’t worthy to even talk to Corpse and the rest of the Youtubers, and so much more. You’ve spent many nights with your Facetime mic muted so that Corpse couldn’t hear the small sobs coming from you.

These thoughts were almost always on the back of your mind, but you were sometimes able to push them away.

Like now- as you focused on your exam. Well, tried to focus. There comes to be a time where one can only hear so many negative things about themselves before they can’t ignore it anymore.

But alas, you tried your hardest and finished your exam, before walking out of the room and pulling out your phone. Now, you had a break before your new classes started and you’ve never been more relieved. You pulled up a certain contact and clicked on the message icon, beginning to type.

you:

i’m finished! up next, a break.

corpse:

I hope you did well. How long is your break?

you:

two weeks!

corpse:

Come spend it in San Diego

You stopped in your tracks, taken aback by the offer. You really didn’t think that he’d invite you over, but you weren’t about to complain. Instead, you sent back an ‘I’ll pack tonight :)’ and rushed home to do just that.

Corpse called you as you packed, just like he calls every night. You were used to the routine now, often falling asleep around 3am as he stays on the phone, doing whatever he does with his ruined sleep schedule until you wake up and say good morning.

Tonight, however, you were too jittery to sleep. You stayed up all night with Corpse, talking about anything and everything, like usual.

What wasn’t usual, though, was how distracted he sounded. It made you nervous- was he having second thoughts about inviting you over? Was something wrong?

Your thoughts nearly overwhelmed you, forcing you to say something.

“Are you okay, Corpse?” You tried to hide the small shake in your voice.

“Hm? Uh, yeah, yeah, everything’s good. Why?”

“It doesn’t sound like it. What’s going on? You’re acting off.”

His side of the phone was silent for a moment, before he let out a sigh. “I’m just thinking about what I’ve got to do before you get here tomorrow. Like, cleaning and stuff.”

“Pshh, that doesn’t matter to me.” You waved your hand, even though he couldn’t see it in the darkness of your room.

“It’s just that, my apartment isn’t… the best. It’s small and there’s only one bedroom and it’s kind of shitty. I just don’t want it to be even more shitty.”

“Corpse, I’m coming there to spend time with you, not your apartment. I don’t care what any of that shit looks like. I’m going to be looking at you and hanging out with you. Not your apartment.” You didn’t mean to go on a tangent of reassurance, but you truly meant all of your words. “Hell, I might not even see the apartment because I already know I won’t be able to look away from you.”

“I- God, give me a minute. That took me off guard.” He laughed. “But thank you. I may not even be able to clean because I’ll be distracted too.”

“By what?”

“You, standing in front of me, in person.” You could hear the smile in his voice. “That’s a fucking dream come true.”

┎┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┒

taglist: @namjoons-crabssss @lookingforaplacetosleep @teenloves @princess00wifi @pillowjj @nvm-idgaf @creativedogs @wildflowerwhore @chillininahottub-withaghost @whyisquill @holosexualunicorn7000 @ourheavenlyemotions

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[lubdubsworld]

GIFT .

Genre : Brother-in-law Jungkook x OC!

Warnings : Yandere Jungkook! Non Consent. Manipulative behaviour. Explicit Sexual Content, Violence, Murder

Author's Note : I love reading Yandere fics so I just wanted to write one!! Its very different from what I usually write... So proceed with caution.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The first time I met Jungkook , it was five years into my relationship with Namjoon.

Namjoon had told me all about his baby brother, a final year student in SNU. Jungkook majored in Business , training to take over the company business . Namjoon often mentioned that it was Jungkook's offer to switch majors that had helped him pursue his own dream of being a music producer.

So when he told me that Jungkook was on a break from university and his parents were looking forward to having a proper family dinner with all of us, I was excited to meet the boy , I'd heard so much about. Namjoon was endlessly fond of his little brother and I wanted him to like me just as much.

Namjoon and I had met seven years earlier in the University Library and had become fast friends. We were both quiet, intellectually driven individuals, preferring to spend our time in the library as opposed to partying with our friends. And yet, in a twist , against our family’s wishes, we had chosen not to pursue an academically driven career either. I’d always felt out of place in my own friend group, most of my friend from Journalism being extroverted and fun loving. Namjoon for his part had only two very close friends, Yoongi and Hoseok and preferred spending time by himself as well.

So it was only natural that we fell in with each other with ease. His beautiful dimpled smile tugged on my gut, even as his gentle nature and gorgeous mind made my heart pound. I fell in love with him, between the late night laughter in the library and the soft secrets whispered against my skin, in the privacy of his bed.

“Nervous?” His voice drew me to the present, fingers inking with mine as he lightly knocked his shoulders against mine, staring down at me with a dimpled smile. I shook my head quickly, squeezing his hand gently.

“Of course not. I just want him to like me.” I whispered and Namjoon chuckled.

“Jungkookie isn’t very expressive so don’t worry if he isn’t very vocal in his affections. He’s very shy with new people but I’m sure, he’ll love you.” Namjoon reached out and lightly, brushed the hair off my face before leaning down and giving me a quick kiss.

I gripped his waist, pressing in closer, lips parting instinctively  , eager to chase the taste of him. He groaned and gripped my elbow, pulling me around to press up against the tall , lean strength of his body and this was it, this endless need to touch him even after seven whole years of being together. I moaned when he bit down on my lips, my back arching a bit to press into him.

“Hyung?”

We parted, surprised and I felt my face flame, lips slicked wet and no doubt red from where Joon’s teeth had sunk in.

What a first impression.

“Ahh… Jungkook-ah… You came out?” Namjoon looked a little flustered, dimples peeking out in an abashed smile as he laughed embarrassedly I found myself smiling at Jungkook, who looked nothing like I’d imagined.

I’d been expecting someone cute and friendly.

Jungkook was dressed in all black, tall and intimidating. He was also almost surreally beautiful, gaze piercing and steady as he stared at me. I felt an instinctive urge to hide, not missing the way his gaze trailed up and down my body, lips parting gently to reveal a pair of bunny teeth that looked jarringly adorable on a face that was , quite simply put, arrestingly gorgeous.  

He hummed, still standing in the doorway, eyes trained on me and I swallowed when he smiled , wide and open. His tongue darted out, lightly licking his lower lip .

“Hi, Hana.” He said softly and I startled.

“Hana? I’m sure you mean noona…..” I laughed nervously and even Namjoon looked surprised and Jungkook merely smiled, shrugging.

“You don’t feel like a noona.” He said casually.

I merely stared at him, not sure what he meant. Namjoon laughed a little as well, moving over to lightly hug his brother.

“Yah! You’ve just met her. Isn’t it too soon to start being a brat?” He ruffled his hair playfully before turning to me.

“Come on, Hana. Come say hi to my parents.” Namjoon walked in and I rushed to follow him, pausing when I reached the doorway. I smiled at Jungkook, holding a hand out slowly.

“I’ve heard so much about you Jungkook, I hope we can be friends…” I said sincerely and he stared at my hand, not taking it. Instead he gave me another soft smile. Before leaning down and pressing a kiss to the back of my hand, making me jump .

“You don’t feel like a friend either.” He said with a shrug , before moving away, leaving me stunned on the doorway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two years later :

“Seven months? Namjoon we’re getting married in seven months! How am I supposed to plan a whole wedding , with you away from the country?” I asked desperately, watching as Namjoon sat with his head in his hands. He looked stricken, regretful and pained and I felt terrible for being unreasonable but it was impossible not to feel hurt.

“I know..  I know hana, I’m so fucking sorry. But this is such a huge opportunity and its not just me : Hoseok and Yoongi depend on me. I can’t screw things up for them too.” He whispered and I exhaled.

Namjoon had been offered a chance to produce for a very high end recording label based out of the US and they wanted him to stay there for a minimum of seven months. The offer had been a complete surprise, out of the blue and the timing couldn’t have been worse. I’d been accepted into an internship at a popular magazine and it would be impossible for me to go with him. And I was so desperate to go.

We’d never been apart for more than a few days, in the entirety of our relationship and the thought of not seeing him for months made me want to throw up.

“I’ve spoken to Jungkook. He’ll help you with all the things that have to be done. And I swear that I’ll be back at least a month before the date, alright? No matter what happens.” Namjoon said firmly. I swallowed, nodding nervously.

It was true that I didn’t like the idea of being away from Namjoon. But the thought of keeping him away from a dream that he had worked so hard for, was almost unfathomable.

Besides, Jungkook was reliable and sweet. The perfect gentleman. Especially now that he’d taken over as his father’s Executive Assistant, Jungkook was incredibly good at organizing and planning things out.

With his help, I could plan out our wedding to perfection.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next five months were spent in a haze of appointments and fittings and bookings. Jungkook had arranged for a shift in my internship hours, so he and I could spend a solid four hours every day, visiting different vendors, picking out the perfect floral arrangements, napkins, brocade and what not. And for once, I found myself completely enthralled by the idea of spending money of frivolously pretty things. Whether it was the florists or the patisserie, the dress fitting or the invitations, I felt my excitement bubbling over , amazed because marrying into Namjoon’s family meant an unlimited budget and for once, I didn’t mind being extravagant.

What was more, I didn’t miss Namjoon nearly as much as I thought I would. Because deep down , I knew that he wouldn’t have enjoyed this all that much. And I would have felt guilty , dragging him everywhere.

And Jungkook was the one to thank for all of it. He picked me up everyday for an early breakfast , followed by hours of combing the streets for ideas and appointments. He was funny and enthusiastic, eager to help me in every way and I was so grateful that I couldn’t thank him enough.

“I owe you so much, Kookie. You’ve been a life saver.” I groaned, collapsing on the couch and dropping my head back against the backrest. Jungkook chuckled, sitting down on one of the Turkish ottomans and lightly grabbing my ankle, pulling my foot onto his lap. I flushed a little, still not used to how touchy he was.

Jungkook liked wrapping his arms around my waist when we were out and about, fingers fluttering up my sides or brushing hair off my face with easy familiarity. I didn’t mind. He reminded me of my little brother back in Ilsan.

Most of the people we met assumed he was the groom and Jungkook told me it would be better to keep up the ruse because wedding planners were more comfortable when couples came together and I’d agreed, albeit a little reluctantly. I missed Namjoon and I wondered if he would mind. But when I mentioned it in passing to him during one of our daily video calls, he’d merely laughed it off.

“You’re so tense, Hana. You should relax. Everything is going to be okay.” Jungkook said softly, soft fingers digging into the curve of heel before brushing the arch of my foot. I smiled when he tugged my foot close, placing it down on the firmness of his thigh.

I gazed down at him, feeling uncomfortably nervous. This whole thing seemed oddly intimate somehow and I felt the first tendrils of guilt begin to curl around my gut. I swallowed, hating myself for tainting something that was no doubt innocent. I ought to be grateful that my future brother in law was this kind to me.

“I know. Thank you. I just miss him sometimes.” I said softly. The fingers stilled on my foot.

“Only sometimes?” He teased, eyes narrowed and tone just a little colder and I hesitated.

“I don’t miss him when you keep me company. You help me forget that I’m doing all of this by myself.” I said honestly. Jungkook inhaled sharply, his gaze flicking to mine, holding mine with an intensity that made me balk a little.

“You mean, that?” He asked quietly and I laughed at how serious he looked.

“Of course I do.  I was so sure this whole thing would be me being miserably lonely but you’ve kept me laughing and happy. I’m going to ask Namjoon to buy you something expensive and amazing when he comes back.”

“He already has something amazing. It’s the only thing I really want.” Jungkook said quietly, fingers stroking up, gently massaging my foot all the way up my calf. I groaned at how good it felt.

“Really what is it?” I asked curious.

Jungkook squeezed my knee before carefully placing my foot down , reaching for the other one.

“You’ll know soon, Hana.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

True to his word, Namjoon called me exactly a month before our wedding date.

“Guess who’s leaving the God forsaken place this weekend?”

I felt warmth flood my insides, heart racing with pure joy, tears brimming over because I’d honestly resigned myself to the fact that he wouldn’t be able to make it back on time.

“Monday i, I’ll be there. Can’t wait to kiss you, my love.” He whispered and I nodded, laughing.

Finally, Everything would be okay.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Namjoon’s flight was due to arrive late night ,somewhere between twelve and one in the morning. I’d taken a nap in the afternoon, so I could be up to welcome him back. Jungkook arrived at around seven with Takeout and flowers.

He didn’t ring the doorbell, letting himself in with the spare key I’d given him for emergencies. I found myself scrambling for my robe because I’d taken a nice long shower and slipped on a silk negligee, short and ending just over my knees . I could feel his eyes on me as I hastily tied the sash together, flustered. The robe wasn’t long either and I felt absolutely exposed, even worse than when he’d stepped into the dressing room during my fitting, offering to help me with the zipper.

“ Jungkook, what are you doing here?” I asked nervously and he shrugged, eyes still trailing over my legs, the skin bare. I felt his gaze like a caress and some instinct told me I was in danger. I shook my head to clear it. How ridiculous.

This was Jungkook. Sweet, wonderful Jungkookie. My best friend these past few months. There was no one else I could be safer with.

“I knew you’d be excited, what with hyung coming back and all. So, I thought I’d drop by and at least make sure you’re well fed.” He grinned, holding the tae out up. I smiled and nodded, moving to get plates and glasses from the kitchen.

I heard Jungkook moving around in the living room and when I went back in , I found that he had two glasses of wine ready on the table, an expensive bottle of merlot opened nearby. I smiled a bit, shaking my head.

“What are we celebrating?” I asked curiously and he shrugged.

“Namjoon hyung is coming back right? It means I’ll be getting my amazing gift tonight.” He said softly, picking his glass up and taking a sip and I rolled my eyes.

“You’re such a child. You can’t wait for a day to get your gift?”

Jungkook hummed. He looked ethereal in the dim golden light of the apartment. Like something out of a fairytale. All dark ebony hair and porcelain skin. I wondered, again….why he never dated. He was easily one of the most beautiful humans I’d ever seen in my life. And that voice.

The voice of an angel.

“I’ve been waiting for years, Hana. I’m sick and tired of waiting.” He said softly, voice low and eyes somehow dark and I tried to hold my smile.

“Well, I hope you enjoy it.” I grinned and he smiled, all teeth.

“Oh, I intend to. Thoroughly.”

I took my own glass and took a deep sip , before holding it against his.

“To no longer waiting and finally getting what we want.” I said cheerfully, thinking of the long months without Namjoon and the few hours till he would be back in my arms. Jungkook chuckled and clinked his glass against mine.

“To you, Hana.” He said simply and I blushed, surprised and flattered.

We ate the take out but just a few bites in, I felt my eyes getting heavy which was so unfair. It was barely eight. And I’d slept in the afternoon. What was wrong with me? I was supposed to be up till Namjoon came home.

“You alright, love?” Jungkook asked sweetly , getting out of his chair and making his way over when I almost knocked the glass of water over, fingers trembling. I pouted, even as his fingers curled over my shoulders, gripping lightly.

“Why am I so drowsy?” I whined in desperation and he leaned down, lightly resting his chin on my shoulder.

“You need to rest, hana. Come on, let’s get you to bed…. “

Eyes heavy and limbs turning to jelly, I could barely blink as he reached down and scooped me into his arms , carrying me into the bedroom. I felt his fingers tug on the sash of my robe, a protest building up at the action but he shushed me gently.

“I’m just helping you out of this, Hana. Rest now… Namjoon hyung will be here soon and we have a long night ahead of us, you and I.”

I could feel my mind churn at that, confusion warring with apprehension because why was Jungkook inserting himself in tonight? What did he have to do with Namjoon and I ?

Sleep beckoned and I found myself slipping into the darkness before I could fully ponder on his words.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I woke up sweaty and damp , body overheated and my head foggy. I made to move and felt my heart pound when I realized my hands were tied up to the headboard. I blinked, only to be met with darkness because there was something tied around my eye as well.

“Jungkook?!” I called out panicking and there was a low chuckle.

And then a very familiar scent.

Namjoon.

I sagged in relief.

“Joon…it’s you….” I breathed out . “ Come on, do we really have to do this right away? I wanna see you…” I whispered desperately.

Fingers brushed over my ankle and I jumped.

“Namjoon?” I whispered . The bed dipped next to me, and I felt the brush of his shirt against my bare arm. It was soft and silky , familiar because I’d bought it for him for his birthday and he’d sent me a pic of him wearing it, from the airport today.

“Okay… I’ll play.” I laughed softly. “ Just untie me… I wanna touch you..”

“Sshhh…..” A finger pressed against my lip and I startled. Throat dry, I gulped.

But I didn’t say anything, biting my lips nervously as I felt him climb over me, one knee on either side of mine, fingers curling on my thighs, lips pressing against my cheek. I sighed, relishing the soft press of his lips, up and down my neck, the damp wetness of his tongue as he licked the skin right after, teeth nipping gently and then with more force.

I trembled as soft fingers tugged on my negligee tugging the fabric up and away from my body, raising it up till it pooled near my chest. I felt the tug on my panties, yanking the fabric off and then the weight of him went away, a breathy exhale that sounded both calm and somehow desperate, his body moving down to lightly hold my knees, parting my legs.

I bent my knees, spreading my thighs the way he clearly wanted me to, hearing him groan in return. He used his thumbs to gently part the damp folds of my centre and I felt my entire body shudder at the press of his tongues against the most intimate parts of me.

Choking, I could only lay there and take it, his tongue licking the slick folds, over and over again with an almost curious insistence, like he was tasting me for the first time and I could feel his body trembling on the bed as he did. I felt his teeth tug on the hardened nub, bruising hard and yet somehow almost playful and cheeky and I found myself squirming in pleasure, wetness seeping out of me .

The tip of his finger found my slit, running up and done the length of it in a slow, gentle caress, gathering the moisture there and I trembled when he reached my clit, gently rubbing circles on the little bundle before moving back down to trace my entrance. I was so wet, getting wetter by the second and I’d never wanted to be fucked so bad.

“Please…..baby… I want you ….in me…” I choked out and he chuckled, a little mischievous and unlike him.

The finger dipped in, shallow and barely in and I whimpered in desperation.

“More.. Please…. I want more.. Want you… Its been so long…”

I felt him move back at that and then he was there, right between my legs. I felt the clink of metal as he unbuckled himself, the sound of his zipper and the rustle of fabric as he pushed his trousers off. I could feel the hard muscles of his thigh against the back of mine as he scooted closer, felt the brush of his hard length against my center, the head dipping in just lightly.

He pushed forward, driving in with so much force that my entire body shuddered in shock. And in just that second, I knew, with dawning horror…….

This was not Namjoon.

I screamed, so loud my own ears rang and  a palm pressed down into my mouth, forceful and unrelenting. And terrifyingly unfamiliar.

“Hana…” Jungkook’s voice near my ear made me choke on my tears, my mind splintering in shock and betrayal, body going rigid in terror as he pulled out , only to slide back in.

“Knew it would be worth it, keeping myself pure for you….” He crooned against my skin and I whimpered, wetness spilling over my eyelashes as I tried to squirm away, my mind body and soul only screaming for the man I loved.

“Don’t worry about anything ….Hyung’s in a better place now. “ Jungkook chuckled deeply and I felt my skin go ice cold at the implication. He moved his hand away and I coughed, choking.

“Jungkook….”

The blind fold came off and he kept pumping into me, hips moving erratically, no rhythm or grace and it was obvious he’d never done this before, obvious in the way he looked : blissed out and feral, eyes unfocused as he stared down at me. I felt him tremble and shake, before going still . I felt warm wetness flood my insides and bile rose, nausea making breathing difficult. He stayed on me and inside me, his body so large and immovable, heavy and suffocating over my own.

“what are you doing Jungkookie?” I sobbed out in disbelief and he glared at me.

“What does it fucking look like I’m doing? I’m taking what I fucking deserve….” He snarled. “ Two fucking years…. He doesn’t deserve you. Spends all his days and nights holed up in that studio of his with his friends….leaves you to fend for yourself. You deserve to be waited on, hand and foot… you deserve the world, hana…and he wouldn’t let you experience any of it. Fucking bastard….

“No… No.. God …no..” I choked out. It was the shirt.

He was wearing Namjoon’s shirt. And his cologne. The shirt I knew my boyfriend had been wearing today. How did he get it??

Jungkook brushed his fingers on my cheeks .

“What’s wrong baby? Are you worried about him? Wondering where he is…” He chuckled. “ I told you..he’s in a better place right now..”

“No… you’re lying..you wouldn’t…”

“Wouldn’t I? You know me that well , hana?” He teased.

No. No I didn’t I didn’t know him at all.

“How about this? If you marry me…. If you let me have this dream wedding with my dream girl…. “ He smirked,” If you let me love you the way you deserve , maybe I’ll take you to visit him…someday. ”

I closed my eyes.

I couldn’t process what I’d just heard… I didn’t know… if he was bluffing. What if he had actually killed-

I couldn’t believe that. I couldn’t. It would break me.

“Okay… Just…please don’t hurt him…” I whispered.

Jungkook smiled.

“Just relax Hana. Everything’s going to be okay.”

AUTHORS NOTE : THIS IS LITERALLY MY FIRST TIME WRITING SOMETHING LIKE THIS PURELY OUT OF IDLE CURIOSITY

~~~~~~~~~~~

[mrpenguinpants]

Genshin: University AU [V1]

I love modern au. Or any “everything is fine, no one died, it’s just a fever dream” au. Half of me is thinking, damn maybe I should answer this serious- LOL HAHA no. That’s not happening. Time to crack my knuckles and let my brainworms take over again.

Once again, this is 90% crack 10% content. I want to switch up my characters from the last brainworm post but I included Kaeya and Diluc.

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Today’s appreciation post goes to twistedwishes. Hey! I’ve been seeing you pop up a lot lately and thanks for the support 💕💕 I hope things are going better for you and you’re doing alright^^ I feel kinda bad for making appreciation posts on crack fics but hopefully this is somewhat funny haha. 

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Genshin: Holding Hands [V1]

Genshin: When you’re cold [V1]

Genshin: Roommate [V1]

Genshin: Royalty AU [V1]

[Masterlist]

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[taglist]  <- if you want to be added, please read this first.

  @mikeysbike @hanniejji@unionwitch @musekala @twistedsunnshiii @stanzastic @akaasea @xoneaboveallx @adoring-ghost @asheseiler @childelover @dilucsz @dai-tsukki-desu @thicmitten @youaskedfurret @diaxfeliz @wintergreen-aix @dandelily @thegayrubberducky @lovelykittycatmeow @yuunoagivesmelife  @dokidokisama @simpygrimoire @minakohasmanyhusbandos @strwbrry-lia @tigerpriestess @yuu-yuukurotsuki​

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Diluc

Absolute pretty boy who has braincells, but only if Kaeya is not there. In his mind, Kaeya’s presence makes his room loose 40% of their common sense. He can’t prove it just yet but he’s working on it. He majors in accounting but also has a minor in marketing, logistics’ management, fia- he majors everything business related. He’s going to become the next Elon Musk through smarts or by getting the competition drunk. There can be no contest if he’s the only candidate. He’s actually a hard working guy that overworks and stresses way too much. You have daily “Diluc recharge” evenings where he just hangs onto you while you go through your day.

“Don’t fucking talk to me until I’ve had my coffee,” except there is no coffee - he drinks grape juice out of juice boxes and his only energy boost is when he meets up with you - and that’s his constant mood. So he usually only hangs around you and Jean, since she has childhood friend status and is actually an angel. By default, Lisa is added and Diluc doesn’t mind her but if he see’s Kaeya, it’s full on war paint mode. If he's not busy with work or studies, he's usually with you either in your dorm or his apartment.

He has a fanclub and he seriously hates it and tries to do everything in his power to get Ningguang to take it down. Shouldn’t this be against his rights? But she refuses for whatever reason and makes a whole speech about free will. No matter what he does, someone manages to take a picture and it get’s printed in the university’s newspaper. The only bonding time he has with Kaeya is every Monday, where they collect and burn all the universities newspapers before anyone can get their hands on it. You always bring marshmallows to make smores during their arson activities.

“When I graduate I’m going to burn this school down to the ground. That’s not a threat it’s a promise.”

Ningguang

Is secretly the leader of the Diluc fanclub - not that she likes Diluc, she’s in a questionable platonic poly marriage with you and Beidou - but it was the easiest way to gain funds for the student council. Which she is the president of, so rip Diluc the fanclub stays. Ruthless business woman I tell you. But she can run in heels so her danger factor rises by at least 20%.

Majors in social sciences and law but more specifically the political science & government. She saw the Imperial State Crown that the Queen of England wears and says yes, that’s mine now. If she’s not with Beidou and you planning on “how to infiltrate the state government just for lols”, then she’s with Keqing, Ganyu, and Zhongli discussing student council things. Should they or should they not tell the student body that they can see everyone’s search results? Sit back and relax as the school goes into chaos. 

She’s probably the scariest person on campus No, she is the scariest person on campus. She’s the scariest person on campus. But secretly she’s popping 20 aspirins just to make it through a night. She has the digestive system of steel. She still holds the title of "seriously do not try and beat her in a drinking game it's never going to happen" and that's her proudest achievement in life but sadly she can’t put it on her resume. Kaeya is still trying to beat her out of spite but so far it hasn't been working. You’re seriously concerned for her when she get’s challenged but Beidou gives you a way-to-hard slap on the back and cheers her on. If Ninngguang somehow get’s alcohol poisonings she’ll somehow find away to make a profit out of it.

"I'll let him die, I'll get the insurance money."

Kaeya

One day he chugged too much mouth wash, passed out, and somehow woke up in university majoring in law. His idea is that if he is apart of the law, he can therefore stand above it. To be fair, his only goal in life is to say “I am the manager” and he can go live the rest of his life in bliss or as a hermit. He’s secret best friends with you but wouldn't be caught dead beside you. He will stab a bitch if you ever get hurt but will still trip you on the way home. Seriously, you have no idea why people find him attractive. Your guess is it’s the eye patch or the clap of his ass cheeks that keeps alerting everyone.  

He’s apart of the newspaper club and if anyone asks: No, he has no idea who keeps taking all the newspapers and burns them in the back of the campus. Originally, he joined because he was nosy and needed to join some type of club for his resume. He sometimes feels bad for his junior assistant Amber because he keeps tricking her and says that Diluc is secretly a demon that is trying to steal all the jobs and is apart of the lizard government hell bent on eradicating the human race. He even brought out a whiteboard for this joke, he’s dedicated to his job ok? 

The type of guy to try and be humble and say his work is “okay” but will choke a bitch if anyone agrees. He tends to leave everything last minute and says that it’s his drug since actual drugs could land you one year in prison and a maximum penalty of $2,000. You have to awkwardly hold in your concerned mother head shake when you see him speed running his assignment literally right when the professor is walking around to check if students finished. 

“I was taught how to lead not to read.”

Mona

Broke wallet #2. Zhongli is broke wallet #1 but Childe simps for him so is he really a broke wallet at this point? In this essay, I Mona Megistus, will explain why I have the rights to the title “Broke Wallet #1″...

Believes that astrology should be an actual career path but refuses to take astronomy as her major. I can read the stars not a textbook that tells me how to calculate the mass of the sun divided by the fucks I give. Instead she went into Philosophy and cries to Albedo, who is an actual prodigy genius- sir lend some braincells to everyone else please?, that her professor keep turning her paper down because “star reading” is not an academic source.

Fischl wants her to join the occult club because, surprisingly, Mona is very good at telling people’s fates through her crayon sketch ouija board. She thinks first year Fischl is cute but is put off by the cosplay roleplay that she has going on. She would join except that stupid hat wearing gremlin in her lit class would make fun of her if he found out.

You gave her half your lunch one day and bought her a doughnut "because she seemed upset" and "out of the goodness of your heart" whatever the hell that means. She thinks you pensioned it but once that thought comes she takes a bite. Poison from a doughnut is not the worst way to go out, classes are hard enough. She’s waiting for the lord to strike her down anyways. 

“Its not about passing, its about doing better than everyone else.”

Venti

Slept through most of highschool and people question how he got into university. He’s a music major (wow how fucking original is that), and if anyone asks him to serenade someone or just do anything, he’ll do it for the right price. Or if you buy him alcohol because he still keeps getting ID checked. He’s banking on Kaeya actually becoming a lawyer or being on good terms with Diluc so he can finally stop being arrested for looking like a toddler.

Takes one step into classes and quickly nopes out and goes back to bed. Professors have no idea how he hasn't dropped out or failed. He just has some god given talent. He does whine at you to pretty pretty please with a cherry on top tutor him because you're such an angel and would never leave your poor but awesome best friend hanging right? He needs to get this essay down but how he is suppose to explain how the number 10 is symbolic and connects to the universe or the meaning of life. Do you think he can just say it’s apart of his culture and make up some random myth to pretend it looks like he knows what he’s doing? 

He’s honestly going with the flow and put his brain on the back burner all of highschool and only now realizes wait, I actually have to use my brain?

He’s been banned from most club chats since Venti has the no chill card. Someone says “lol I look ugly today.” and he’ll respond "yup, you look like a cow." and he get’s banned. Zhongli keeps a speed run timer on his phone just to document these occasions.

"Sad spelled backwards is das and das how it be sometimes."

Childe

An actual dumbass that somehow does well. He eats sandwiches with the crust off, this heathen. Surprisingly he’s studying to become a physical therapist but most of his experience has come from breaking his own bones. You’re scared how he's going to be if he actually becomes a therapist. If he'll make bets with his patients or try to one up whatever crazy injury they get into. Everything is a challenge to him that sometimes the best way to deal with Childe is to knock him out. 

This man really knows the way to a Zhongli’s woman's heart. Through micro transactions. Mona saw him accidently drop $20 and just shrugged and walked off. She has never been both spiritually and physically offended in her life. She did take the $20 though. As much as you hate leeching on Chile when he’s basically a walking wallet that probably uses bills as tissue paper, you can’t help but give him puppy eyes while planning on how to get into his will. If he even plans on having one, he might honestly write “whoever wins in a gladiator style duel in my funeral’s tournament, they will get my fortune.”. 

Any sport the university offers Childe is probably in it. Which is how he met Zhongli, challenged him to a fight, proceeded to have his ass handed to him, got a backhanded compliment, and screamed to you he was in love and how he found his soulmate. He's secretly very sappy and has cried and watched every Disney and Pixar movie at least 28 times.

"IM NOT TOO SPICY! I’M A TINY BIT ABOVE MILD IF ANYTHING!”

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God if it isn’t Scaramouche, it’s Childe that ruins the aesthetic. This is why I hate you. Why do you people enable me like this, it isn’t even good. This is pretty much a @ yourself moment and I vibe hard with Venti. This entire post was just to make a joke about the clap of Kaeya’s ass cheeks alerting the guards.

This week might slow down since I have classes and assignments. My reply’s are gonna be late too, sorry;; (oh and thank you to everyone that was so supportive and nice when I mentioned it. All of you. Beautiful 💕💕 )

[bloody-bee-tea]

Raise

Ever since he and Nie Mingjue broke up, Jiang Cheng has only been going through the motions. He’s still fulfilling his duties as a Sect Leader—his pride in his Sect won’t allow him to do anything else—but that’s about it.

There’s nothing in life to take enjoyment from anymore and Jiang Cheng feels a lot like he did right after the war, except with less existential dread. But he’s lost and unmoored and he doesn’t know what to do.

He hates it a little bit that Nie Mingjue still has this kind of power over him, but mostly he’s just fucking devastated.

Now he understands his sister and her tears and her sad smiles a bit better.

Getting your heart broken really is the worse and Jiang Cheng guesses it doesn’t help that at least he knows that Nie Mingjue felt the same for him.

Jin Zixuan was a complete asshole to his sister, which must have made it a little bit easier Jiang Cheng hopes, because he wishes this for no one.

When he realizes that he lost himself yet again in his own head, he scoffs. It’s been happening a lot lately, and usually all of his thoughts turn to Nie Mingjue but he can’t afford to slack off.

No matter what his second in command keeps telling him on a daily basis.

If Jiang Cheng would take a day for himself, he wouldn’t do anything but wallow in his misery anyway, and he prefers working over doing that.

So he goes on, and on, one letter after the other, until he made a considerable dent into the stack that built itself up during his last weeks with Nie Mingjue.

Jiang Cheng grinds his teeth together when he realizes that he’s yet again thinking about the other man and he slams his hand on the table in his rage.

He really wonders just how long this will go on; how long he will be haunted by the thought of Nie Mingjue. Right now, he hears Nie Mingjue’s laugh echo in the hallways they frequently walked together, he feels Nie Mingjue’s phantom touch on his shoulder whenever he sits hunched over some work for too long, and he still feels all the love Nie Mingjue had for him.

But duty comes first, Jiang Cheng understands that. He doesn’t have to like it, but he understands.

“You can’t just—no, wait,” Jiang Cheng suddenly hears from outside and he lifts his head a second before someone barges into his study.

“You fucking asshole,” is what Nie Huaisang greets him with and Jiang Cheng knew that the break-up would throw a little bit of a wrench into their friendship, but he didn’t expect this.

“Huaisang,” he still greets his old friend, but he figures he shouldn’t have when Nie Huaisang glares at him, clearly too agitated to even get his fan out.

“Do not even dare,” Nie Huaisang hisses. “You absolute fucking asshole. You said you would love him!”

“I do,” Jiang Cheng says with a sigh, getting up to close the door behind Nie Huaisang, hoping that not all of Lotus Pier heard him yet.

“Yeah, I can tell,” Nie Huaisang sarcastically gives back. “It’s so very evident in the way you broke up with him.”

“Don’t be unfair,” Jiang Cheng whispers, but he can’t meet Nie Huaisang’s eyes.

It still hurts too much.

“Unfair. Unfair! The only one being unfair here is you!”

“Huaisang,” Jiang Cheng snaps, now slowly getting angry himself.

He can understand the protective instinct of a sibling, but this is really going to far. It’s not Jiang Cheng’s fault, and he didn’t actually want to break up with Nie Mingjue, but since it was what Nie Mingjue had wanted, he had done it.

And it seemed unfair to be attacked over this now.

“No. I’m going to ruin you,” Nie Huaisang lowly says and while usually Jiang Cheng wouldn’t give much thought to a threat like this, he knows that if Nie Huaisang really wants to, he will.

Going by the glare Jiang Cheng gets, Nie Huaisang really wants to.

“Why? It’s not my fault,” Jiang Cheng snaps at him and Nie Huaisang laughs right in his face.

“Right, not your fault. Of course not. How could it be? You’re just the guy who broke up with my brother.”

“Because he wanted to!” Jiang Cheng shouts at him, his heart still hurting so damn much and that at least is enough to shut Nie Huaisang up for a few seconds.

“He wanted to,” Nie Huaisang lowly repeats. “That’s what you’re going with? Really?”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Jiang Cheng asks, suddenly drained of all energy and he goes to sit back down at the table.

He doesn’t want to fight with Nie Huaisang and he doesn’t want to do it while standing up, and all he really wants to do is go crawl into bed with Nie Mingjue and curl up against his chest, but it’s not like he’ll ever be able to do that again.

“My brother finally opens up to you about the qi deviations and your first instinct is to run away and break up with him? And now you’re trying to twist it like it was actually his idea? You’re really something else, Jiang-zongzhu. I thought better of you.”

“That’s not what happened, Huaisang,” Jiang Cheng says with a small frown, because Jiang Cheng remembers that conversation a lot differently, and he was actually present.

“Then enlighten me,” Nie Huaisang hisses. “What did happen?”

Jiang Cheng desperately doesn’t want to speak about it—the pain still too near and fresh—but Nie Huaisang is levelling him with a look that promises pain and absolute ruin if Jiang Cheng doesn’t start speaking like five seconds ago and so he sighs.

“He told me about the qi deviations,” Jiang Cheng says, because so far they are on the same page. “That he’ll die soon and young and violently.”

“And you left him for it,” Nie Huaisang says with a nod, as if there could be no doubt about it.

“I love him. Do you really think that low of me?” Jiang Cheng asks, a new kind of hurt finding its place in his chest.

Jiang Cheng thought he was long over being hurt by people being disappointed in him, but it seems like he was wrong.

“Seeing as he is back home, absolutely devastated and you’re going on like nothing happened, I think the only possible answer can be yes,” Nie Huaisang sneers at him and Jiang Cheng sees red.

“I have to do this,” Jiang Cheng yells and shoots up. “I have to because if I don’t keep busy, if I don’t distract myself, I’ll be a fucking shell. I want to do nothing more than to crawl into bed and cry for a good week but what good is that going to do me? It’s not going to get me Mingjue back and my Sect actually still needs me. I was miserable all through the war and for a good while after and I don’t want to feel like that again. And besides; he made his choice. What use is there for me to cry after him.”

“He made his choice? The audacity you have! And don’t raise your voice at me like that,” Nie Huaisang gives back, clearly unfazed by Jiang Cheng’s explosion and it cuts all of Jiang Cheng’s strings.

It doesn’t matter what he tells Nie Huaisang, he realizes. He has his mind already made up.

“He told me about the qi deviations and that his Sect must come first,” Jiang Cheng still mutters. “He needs an heir.”

Jiang Cheng barely gets the words out, and he hates himself a little for how his eyes well up almost immediately. It’s been almost a week by now and the words still hurt as much as they did when they left Nie Mingjue’s mouth.

In front of him, Nie Huaisang freezes.

“What?”

“He said he needs to prepare, that he needs someone to take over eventually. It’s not that hard to understand his meaning,” Jiang Cheng whispers.

Nie Mingjue needs an heir. And for that he needs a wife. It’s as easy as that.

“Did he say it like that?” Nie Huaisang asks and Jiang Cheng nods miserably.

“That fucking idiot,” Nie Huaisang mutters and finally sits down himself, slamming his fan on the table. “Listen here, Wanyin,” he says and Jiang Cheng wonders when he switched back to being Wanyin again.

“I’m listening,” Jiang Cheng says because clearly Nie Huaisang is waiting for a response from him.

Though he’s not quite sure he can take any more accusations today.

“My brother is an idiot,” Nie Huaisang solemnly says and Jiang Cheng fights the immediate urge to defend Nie Mingjue.

He’s not sure he still has that right.

“Why?” he asks instead, because it seems like the safer option.

“I am his heir,” Nie Huaisang tells him and Jiang Cheng goes very still. “When father died and da-ge decided to not take a wife, they wrote that down somewhere. I’m to inherit the Sect should anything happen to my brother.”

“He—it didn’t sound like that when we talked,” Jiang Cheng carefully says.

It makes no sense. Nie Mingjue had looked sad as he had said that he needs to prepare. Why would he look sad if he already has an heir.

“There was sadness on his face when he said it,” Jiang Cheng weakly goes on, because he still remembers that look and it cuts him just as much as it did then.

“It was probably regret. Da-ge wanted to give me an intensive few months of Sect Leader training, so that he could hand off the reigns sooner, before his qi deviations get really bad. He resolved himself to not see you during those months, because he said you distract him too much.”

“No, he—” Jiang Cheng starts, putting his head in his hands. “That’s not how that conversation went.”

“Clearly, it’s not,” Nie Huaisang says drily. “But we both know da-ge and we know you. Both of you tend to draw your own conclusions. Da-ge thought he made himself perfectly clear—asking for a few months with nothing but letters for contact—and you thought he was breaking up with you. I can see where you would get that idea from, don’t take me wrong—da-ge is horribly bad at wording things—but it’s not what he wanted. He’s moping and heartbroken at home. I didn’t even get any training yet.”

“You hate training,” Jiang Cheng mutters, his head spinning.

“I like logistics and getting people to do what I want,” Nie Huaisang corrects. “And I would like my brother to be happy again,” he tacks on, with a raised eyebrow.

Jiang Cheng swallows.

“He doesn’t want to take a wife?” he asks, just to make sure. “He doesn’t want to sire an heir?”

“He does want to adopt a kid with the guy he had been courting for a while,” Nie Huaisang says, absolutely nonchalant as if it’s not blowing Jiang Cheng’s mind to hear that Nie Mingjue thought about a little family of their own.

“Really?” Jiang Cheng asks, his voice full of hope and his heart hammering away in his chest.

“Really,” Nie Huaisang assures him, finally picking up his fan and flicking it open with the by now so familiar gesture.

“I think I have to cut your visit here short, then,” Jiang Cheng says, already scrambling to his feet.

“You go on ahead,” Nie Huaisang waves him off, draping himself over the table. “The flight here was way too exhausting for me.”

“Sure,” Jiang Cheng says, rolling his eyes, but not actually bothering to convince Nie Huaisang.

If he flies alone he can push himself as much as he wants, and then he gets to see Nie Mingjue sooner.

~*~*~

Jiang Cheng doesn’t bother to announce his arrival and Nie Mingjue’s disciples clearly don’t deem it necessary to do it, either, it seems, because Jiang Cheng simply barges into Nie Mingjue’s quarters without anyone telling him.

“What are you doing here?” Nie Mingjue asks him, his voice rough and Jiang Cheng sees the dark circles under his eyes and how pale he is.

It seems they both didn’t deal well with the temporary break-up.

“Huaisang invaded Lotus Pier,” Jiang Cheng tells him and Nie Mingjue immediately draws himself up.

“Whatever he said, don’t listen to him. I respect your choice,” Nie Mingjue reassures him and Jiang Cheng wants to go to him and hug him and kiss him, but for now he simply rolls his eyes.

“He said there was a misunderstanding.”

“A what?”

“You said you need someone to take over the Sect. You never mentioned Huaisang. I thought you meant you want to take a wife,” Jiang Cheng explains in as little words as possible, because he is dying with the urge to finally get his hands on Nie Mingjue again.

“A wife,” Nie Mingjue repeats and blinks. “If anything she would be the second wife, because I intent to marry you.”

Jiang Cheng flushes bright red at that, but his heart is dancing in his chest. With happiness, for a change.

“Yeah, I should hope so,” Jiang Cheng says and dares to step closer. “But I understand duty to your Sect and so when you said it like that—”

“You thought I would ask you to step back so I can focus on my Sect. You would have allowed me to take a wife?” Nie Mingjue asks and Jiang Cheng shrugs.

“Duty comes first,” he says because if he learned anything in his youth then it’s that. “I understand that. I didn’t like it, but it sounded sensible to me.”

“Nothing about that is sensible, I love you, what the hell would I ever do without you?”

Find someone else to love, Jiang Cheng wants to say, but Nie Mingjue doesn’t let him, because with two big steps he’s right in front of him and he doesn’t hesitate to crush Jiang Cheng to his chest.

“What would I even do without my heart?” he whispers again and Jiang Cheng’s resolve is broken.

He slings his arms around Nie Mingjue and presses himself as close as he can get, his breath leaving him in shuddering bursts.

“I didn’t like it,” Jiang Cheng chokes out. “I missed you so much. I love you.”

“Never think something like this again,” Nie Mingjue begs him. “I would never do that to you, not for any duty in the world.”

“Okay,” Jiang Cheng weakly says and Nie Mingjue presses a kiss to his head.

“Not for any duty,” he repeats and Jiang Cheng nods.

“Okay, alright,” he gets out, his voice choked up with tears.

For once they are tears of happiness because he’s finally back where he belongs.

Link to my ko-fi

[mary-ann84]

Warning : Venting ! Not my usual happy go lucky post. Because I have been feeling everything but that. Might be a trigger for some ???

To the people who are going to think jeeezzz why would you write this. Keep scrolling. This is my page.

*****************************************************

Well the last few weeks have been insane and not in a good way.

September 12th

Yes two weeks vacation. Wich means no work for two whole weeks. I was looking forward to that. Because it has been crazy busy lately.

Celebrated my mom's birthday on the 14th.

And then September 18th came. I am at my parents place ready to go to my sister's for my nephews birthday. He turned 9 this year.

Suddenly I do not feel good. My heart is beating like crazy. Blood pressure though the roof. Feeling like crap.

So we call the docterspost. Appointment made.

Sitting in the waiting room with my mom. Anxious as fuck. Trying to keep my cool. Wich some how works.

Doctor checks. Blood pressure is still high. He listens to my heart and longs. But they are fine. Heartbeat had gone down. Was a 104 when I was at my parents and now 76.

He tells me to make an appointment to get my blood drawn and and take a urine sample to my regular doctor. Says to check my blood pressure daily. So I get a blood pressure meter. Wich will be delivered later in the week.

I still go to my nephews birthday. Feeling better then I did

Next day appointment made for getting my blood drawn the next day. And I have to bring a urine sample. Made an other appointment for that Friday for the results.

Blood pressure meter arrives. 3 days of measurements. In the mean time I am not sleeping very well. The rapid beating of my heart from the other day still in my head.

One silver lining no calls about the blood and urine results. And no news means good news in my book.

Cut to Friday. At the docters. First thing he does is take my blood pressure. I fully expected it to be high. Thinking I have what we call here white coat blood pressure. This when normally your blood pressure is fine but as soon as you see a doctor it goes up.

But no bloodpressure and heartbeat are fine.

So I tell him what's going on. What has been going through my head al week. I did to much at work. I said yes one time to many. Ignored signs from my body telling me to slow down. I even got pissed off at the person that makes the work schedules. The last one was an outburst as a result of me feeling she wasn't doing her job.

And I just felt exhausted. Mentally and Physically. Bursting out in tears for no reason what so ever.

And then my doctor asks me what do you want do.

I simply say

"I don't want to do anything."

He looks at me and says

"Ok , then that is what you are going to do."

Sense of relief washes over me. Now the only thing I have to do is contact my boss. Because it's the last Friday of my vacation and I was supposed to back to work on Monday the 26th.

I send her message what's going on. Telling her I can't talk on the phone because it's to emotional for me. And I tell to take me out of the roster for at least the upcoming two weeks.

She sends me a text saying that she is shocked to hear this. But she will do just that and asks if we can talk after the weekend.

And the weekend hits. The knowledge that I do not have to work the upcoming two weeks has brought some relief. But I can tell I am carrying a lot of tension with me. And still somewhat anxious and emotional.

Sunday comes a round and my mom's calls. She tells me she doesn't have great news. And she mentions the name of my sister father in law. And that he has passed away. I am in shock because this is so sudden. Only a week before we where celebrating his grandson's birthday and now he is gone.

The cause heartattack.

The arrangements for the service fall on my sister's shoulder. I want to help but can't. Which sucks.

Last Sunday we got a change to say goodbye. I made my parents go first. And only if he was looking peacefully I would look myself. And that he was. He has small smile on his face. And then on Monday the service. He is being cremated.

A beautiful goodbye it was. My sister spoke. Read a little poem that she had written. She is so strong. I and eventhough it's a sad situation I am proud. Proud of her and her husband. And proud of my nephew. Who kind of knows what's going on but not really. Hasn't asked any questions that I know off. Did tell his fellow classmates at school that opa / grandpa passed away. And when he got see his grandpa for the first time in the casket that was open he was watching from a distance. By the time the service came around he was standing next to it.

Like I said he does not ask. Does not talk about it. But he will come with it on his own.

And then yesterday came. My second appointment with my doctor. Blood pressure again was good.

I told him that I am still tired. That last week I did the dishes and afterwards some laundry and after that my battery was empty.

I am overworked. Dare I say it I have a burn out.

I have to discuss my work situation with my boss and what we call the company doctor. Because my regular doctor has no idea what my work looks like.

So I make a new appointment for two weeks from now. To keep track of my bloodpressure.

I contact my boss. Tell that in the state I am in I can't work. When I tell how , what and when she agrees.

She will set up a meeting with de company doctor. He or she will most likely not have me go back to work fully. Perhaps 2 times a week an hour. That will be more like a visit. But we'll see when I get there.

She has taken me out of the roster for next week. Again some sense of relief.

But during the night I am not able to sleep properly. My heart slightly rapidly beating. But I am able to calm down with meditation and breathing.

My mind is playing tricks tho. I sleep lightly and everytime I feel myself falling deeper into sleep a muscle in my breast clenches. It's not my heart because it's beating steadily. And I am breathing fine. But still it sucks. And I am contemplating of calling the doctor and asks to check just to be sure.

Aah fuck no I am going to call. Maybe it is my mind playing tricks. And I fully think it's my body that is still in full tension and it's my anxienty. The last one sucks by the way. Never in my live have a felt that way.

I want everything go back to normal. I want to be better then I was before. I want to go to work. I want to do so much.

I hate feeling like this. I hate the fact that I am not able to the things that could do so easily. I hate feeling not like myself.

And in order to feel like myself again. I have to take it easy. Manage my energy. Accept that, for now, this is it. I can only do what I can. And if can't then I won't and the only thing I can do is rest.

Biggest lesson I have learned or actually I am still learning.

Listen to your body and put yourself first.

Keep in mind people.

Take care of yourself first and then take care of other's

You are your number one priority

Thank you for reading my ramble. I will keep you updated as I go.

[spookysmujer]

Maraschino pt.2, O. Diaz

Summary: After the rejection from Oscar, things seems to take you on a roller coaster ride. 

warnings: angst, f e e l s, theTEAbeenSPILLED ☕️ daddy issues

word count: 3.5K

a/n: Here is the highly requested part 2 of Maraschino! I had fun writing this though if it is trash it’s because I wanted to hurry and get it out for y’all since I been getting msgs. heh. But Ray? Whew chile, the ghetto! Part 3? Please enjoy and don’t forget: follow the blog, heart/comment/reblog the content as well as turn on the notifs! (Y/S/N: your sister’s name)

(gif belongs to @thesewickedhands​ ✨)

 “Have a wonderful day!”

God, why is the person yelling? You smile weakly and squeeze your eyes nearly shut as the sun is blazing down on you while you say your thanks and exit the uber. The throbbing of your head and the loud lawnmower from one of your neighbors has you internally cursing.

How did you end up like this? Granted this was the plan last night to go out and have a good time, you certainly did not expect to be doing such a thing. You never let yourself get to this point before. But you also never got denied like you did with Spooky last night. A shiver goes through your body as you think of him. You won’t let him infiltrate your mind no more.

“Y/N!” Your sister’s voice sounds frantically as you round the corner of the house.

Well there goes your plan to sneak in through your window to pretend you were in your room all along. She wraps your arms around you, gluing herself to your body causing you to stumble back a bit. “You are a dead woman walking!” She whispers to you as you arch an eyebrow at her. 

As confused as you were, José appears from around the corner taking long strides towards you. His face sports no emotion of missing you but a lot of anger. It causes you to automatically back up the closer his approaches you. Your sister has since removed herself from you as your brother is now in your face.

You blink as you peer up at him, “Where the fuck have you been, hermana? You know how much shit you are in, hm? I get a call from Y/S/N saying you aren’t home. I assure her you would be and when she calls me at 6 in the morning telling me that you still aren’t in? You left a note?”

“José! Calmate, I went out with a friend. And I spent the night. What’s the big deal about that?” You briefly explain yourself. He laughs for a moment before grabbing you by your upper arm and pulling you towards your sister. Now it’s her turn to start backing up, “Ven aqui, her! That’s the big deal. When I ask you to be the sister you need to be, I don’t mean when you feel like it. You know the Santos have been getting into heavy shit lately. I need you here when I’m not!” 

The tension is thick as you pull your arm from his hold and push him, “But when you wanna go and do whatever it’s okay? When you wanna hitch a ride with Spooky to Sin City with dirty ass hynas last week, it’s all good. Business trip, huh? Don’t come for me when you are far from perfect!” 

The two of you are both very stubborn with your brother usually being calm and collected while you’re more expressive with your feelings. Family is important to him especially considering it’s just the three of you. Jose scoffs as you stomp away from him and your now crying sister. 

Oscar suddenly appears in front of you as round the corner and collides with his body. He reaches out to grasp you before you can stumble back, the feelings hitting you all at once, “What are you doing here?” You swallow thickly.

He licks his bottom lip as his eyes rake over your body. Still in your dress from last night, hair unruly and make-up smudged. Anyone can spot a ‘walk of shame’ when they see one. He laughs internally thinking of how you wasted no time after last night’s rejection.

“I offered to drive him when little hermanita called up again worried you weren’t home yet. Seems we know why now.” A small grin painted across his lips, you squint your eyebrows at his words as you hear your brother approaching the two of you. You step back before Spooky migrates his eyes to behind you, “We got business, everything good here?”

José nods and steps beside you, “Don’t be leaving.”

The two guys leave as you stand there a bit dumbfounded. Y/S/N appears next to you and grabs your hand. She apologizes for you getting into trouble with José. You want to yell at her for starting unnecessary drama. But she explains she didn’t want your brother to potentially find out about your little sneaky link with Spooky.

“Well, he and I ended that shit so nothing to worry about. I went out and got wasted. I am done with these guys. No más!” Though even sounding like fake news to yourself, you go and wash off last night’s memories. 

As the day had gone by, you skimmed through your daily journal of all the entries you wrote about Oscar ‘Spooky’ Diaz, ripping them out. All 6 pages. You roll your eyes at your thoughts about him, some sappy and some nasty. How did you believe a man who runs a street gang, that is as mean mugging as Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street, would be into you the way you are him?

It didn’t matter the answer now. Good riddance of him! That’s when the sound of your window opening pulls you from the wandering thoughts. You stand up quickly, reaching for a bat that’s besides your bed. “Get the fuck out!”

“Calmate! It’s me, Oscar.”

You clutch your chest, doubling over to catch your breath. “What is wrong with you? Ever think of flying a pebble at the window or calling first?” You say as he climbs in, adjusting his flannel before closing the window then your room door. You watch him as he starts to look around your room. Though there’s a part of you that wants him out, you haven’t made any advances to get him out.

He sits on your bed and finally looks at you, “Abajo.”

Uncompliant, you cross your arms and shift your weight to make it known you are fine standing there. He smirks and looks away before locking eyes with you. “You don’t think I like you too? You think I fucked with you for this long cause it was just convenient? Girls everywhere around my place but I was only fucking you. Why do you think that?”

“Is this supposed to be your sweet confession that makes me go all heart eyes? You're gonna apologize and I’m supposed to forgive you and then we give us a try and realize all our worries were nothing but fear that our anxiety instilled in our heads? Because that’s not how it’s gonna go.” You say as he gives you a semi-disgusted look.

You chuckle softly and watch him intently.

Oscar analyzes you closely. It’s a front, no doubt he thinks. He doesn’t deny the thought that you are a thick-skinned woman. He knows you have a superior mind and a mouth to go with it but he knows there is no way that you could’ve gotten over him that quick. Though judging by your appearance earlier in the day, you definitely tried.

You laugh a little more as you step in front of him and lean over to get your vision in line with his. “You made it clear to me and now I’m making it clear. Nothing you say will convince me that you give a rat’s ass about me. If you really did? There would be no sneaky link shit. You wouldn’t have a problem with people knowing about me, or my brother knowing but it is a problem so get out.”

This ticks Ocscar off a bit. He stands which makes you straighten up as he gets in your face, stepping towards you. You are stepping back slowly as he creeps more, “You think you can handle this lifestyle? The constant threats, the territories? You can’t. When it comes to this kind of life, something like love can be the bane of your existence. So we don’t get into it. We don’t get involved because the people we fall for end up dead.”

You’re pressed with your back against the wall and your chests against each other. Oscar’s eyebrows are connected and he’s staring at your agape mouth. His breath is fanning against your lips, emotions hitting you all at once. “I-I slept with someone last night. Got it good too.”

The jealous tactic seems to fail immediately as Oscar laughs. And for some reason the look of amusement on his face seems to be familiar for a reason you can’t seem to figure out.

“Sleeping around is simple, falling for someone is something else entirely. I’m not saying that we jump into something. But at least you know now it’s not just one-sided.” He steps out of your room. You follow and watch him walk down the hall as Y/S/N stands there. She is stunned seeing Oscar nonchalantly trek through the house.

You don’t know what to say. As you look at your little sister, you sigh in defeat trying to explain this one. Instead you go back into your room and shut your door. You got what you wanted, right? But you still feel like something is missing. 

The week had slowly crept on.

A few shifts at the bodega, classes at the community college and life at home. Jose had basically converted you back to your teenage ways. Making sure you were doing your part in parenting your little sister. Friday night Y/S/N wanted to have Dwayne’s BBQ for dinner and since your social life is drier than your skin, you agree. 

The thought of a  BBQ bacon cheeseburger lifts your mood which has been dragging throughout the week. Your sister happily skips into the restaurant as you trail behind slowly, when you enter you look for her and see she chatting up with Dwayne. 

“Y/N!” José calls out and your vision unfocuses from them onto your brother and pile of Santos in a booth. They all look your way including Oscar. You exhale a deep breath through your nose as you put on a fake smile and wave before stepping up to place an order. 

 Your brother approaches you as you look past him to the booth of Santos, “Didn’t know you guys would be here.” He sets down a $20 bill on the counter when the cashier tells you the total. “Foos gotta eat too.” José starts talking to you about something but your focus falls back on Spooky again. You watch as he stands and makes his way towards you. A small panic sets in your chest but fades away as he ends up exiting the BBQ joint. 

Unknowingly to yourself, your watch as he walks to his car. He leans against it and pulls out a cigarette, no matter how hard you try to avert your eyes from him, you can’t. All week you had been doing fine. Even with the little things reminding you of him, even with the memories that have been seeped into your bed. You didn’t dwell too much on thinking of him until you see him now. 

“Talk to him.” 

It’s just like the movies where the car tires come to a screeching halt and there’s the obnoxious crashing sound. You move your eyes to your brother’s. Did he just say what you think he said? “Talk to him? Spooky, what for? Why would I need to talk to him?”

Jose chuckles, “Hermana, I had my suspicions about you two. Then he told me bout it, he acts like it doesn’t bother him much but it does so go talk to him. Yeah, I’m not so thrilled that he’s messing around with my baby sister. I know how he is but I know he wouldn’t do anything to intentionally hurt you so I’m cool with it. So go talk to him, figure that shit out because I’m getting over you moping around the house.”

You push him away as you look back to the red impala.  After a moment of contemplating it, you decide to head out and approach Oscar, he had his eyes on you since he settled by his car. You lean on it besides him and cross your arms, “You told my brother?”

He smirks and shrugs his shoulders. You try your best to keep the smug look off your face. He holds out the cigarette, you take it and inhale. Coughing a bit as the smoke burns your throat a little. You hand it back and sigh, turning to look at him.

“I like you, you like me. I’m not saying we jump into something… but why not?” You question as he exhales some smoke, you lock your eyes into his, “You ain’t cut for this lifestyle, you would be a liability. Plus your brother in my line of work? That makes him vulnerable as well. It woul--”

You groan loudly which quiets him mid-rant, “Drugs, alcohol and money do all the same things to him too. You see how he is when he gets wasted. There are so many things that make you all vulnerable. If he can make it work with the hyna he’s with, then you can make it work with me. Plus I know this lifestyle more than you think. I know when and where to be and not to be. I know who to know and who not to know. I know things! So don’t act all big bad Spooky to me.”

Now standing directly in front of him and he’s peering down at you. He dips his face lowers and looks at your lips as you look at his. In no time your lips are connected. Oscar slides his hands over your waist, gripping it and pushing you flush against him. You bring your hands to cup his face, letting your tongue slip into his mouth. A full on make-out session breaks out.

As if you didn’t dream of something like this happening you smile into the kiss, pulling away, “You get into this with me, it’s not gonna be glitter and gold. This shit is tough, I can’t be worrying about the things I already do plus you.” You nod and kiss him again, wringing your arms around his neck, he hugs you and feels calm for the first time in a while.

So you enjoy the night more than you thought you would be. With your siblings and the Santos at Dwayne’s. After a night of chatting, Oscar asks you to come back to his place. And well since it isn’t your first rodeo, you agree and send Y/S/N home with José. 

You don’t keep your hands off him while heading back to his place, you are pressed against him and kissing his neck, he is loving every moment of it. The both of you get out to head into the house but the mood is killed when you walk in to find Cesar and his friends on the couch who get frightened due to the scary movie playing on the TV.

Oscar cursing under his breath, “Can’t you watch movies at some else’s house?” You elbow him as he rolls his eyes. But Cesar didn’t want to start anything with his older brother so he asks Jamal if they can continue watching at his house. Soon after the house is empty and quiet again. The two of you settle on the couch, you straddling him and pulling your top off.

“Yo! There’s someone posted up outside!” Cesar suddenly bursts through the door which causes Oscar to push you off him and reach for his gun. He tells the younger Diaz, his friends and you to stay put as he checks out the fool that runs up on the Santo trap house. You scramble to put your shirt back on and curse when Cesar trails after his brother. You follow in pursuit, trying to tell Cesar that Oscar said to stay inside. “Who is that?” 

“Ray?” You say out loud though you thought you were just thinking it.

Oscar turns to you when you say the name of none other than his estranged father. You look to both Ray and Oscar, looking at the two men and making the connection. You feel the color get sucked out of your face, oh fuck.

“You know him, who is he?” Cesar asks you and he looks at Oscar. The Santo leader has his eyes on you and is still confused as to how the hell you know his father. “He’s our father.” Oscar says, still looking at you.

The confirmation makes you want to be obliterated right in your very spot. This can’t be happening! Is it? You try to speak but nothing comes out of your mouth. You finally look to Ray who has a small smirk on his face and that’s why that look Oscar had on his face that day seemed so familiar. You saw it that night you went out of town to have a good time. 

“Hola de nuevo, pequeña coyote.” Ray says looking at you. 

You grimace as Oscar connects the dots himself. The amount of heat that settles into your face along with the gasps from Cesar’s friends don’t make it any easier to bear.

“Wait Oscar, wait!” He is stepping towards his father, ready to charge. “I didn’t know he was your dad! Listen to me, please!” You step forward quickly and pull his arm back, he yanks it out of your grasp quickly as you plead for him to listen to you.

Oscar begins to snap at you, “Him? This is who you slept with and you want me to listen to explain? Huh?!” The anger booms in his voice as he is mere inches from your face. Cesar appears next to you trying to get between the two of you. You didn’t think Oscar could ever get so mad. And you have seen the Santo leader in moments of rage before. 

“Mijo, listen..” 

Ray’s voice sounds from behind Oscar now. He turns and wastes no time in welcoming him with a right hook. His father stumbles back as you gasp along with the sounds from the teens. “Oscar!”

You take the initiative to stand between the two of them, holding out a hand against Oscar’s chest as he is heaving and exuding anger. Ray is mending to his jaw as he stands up. You notice the lights of the neighbor had turned on and people were beginning to pile outside of their homes to see all the commotion.

“Oscar just stop and listen to me for one fucking second! No, I did not sleep with Ray. We did get together that night, yes but we didn’t do anything that involves other body parts. I started going off about you with him, I vented and we spent the night drinking. I got too wasted and he offered to let me spend the night in his motel room. Nothing happened!” You release in one breath. 

Everyone looks at you, unable to make sense of the situation. 

“That’s why I came, when she mentioned things about you, I had to come see for myself if what niña said is true. That you’re running the Santos.” The two men stare at each other as you stand in the middle. Your heart is racing. 

Oscar doesn’t say anything as he looks back and forth between his father and you. When you step towards him and reach out to grab his hand, he raises his hand up in defense and steps back. You can see the glint of hurt in his eyes as he backs away from you. Your eyes pleading for him to try to understand everything.

You trail behind a fuming Oscar into his house, you are nearly jogging when you catch up with him. But he steps into his room and slams the door in your face. You step back and sigh. “Please talk to me…Oscar. Nothing happened, you have to believe me.” 

He doesn’t respond as you rest your head on his door. You hold your hands on the door silently cursing yourself. What could you say that made the situation sound better? How could you make it look like it really was nothing even with Ray right there?

A few moments have passed by when the door opens, a still very upset Oscar stands there as he flies forwards a bunch of crumbled paper at you. You watch as the papers fall to your feet and he slams the door in your face again. No context of nothing. 

When you pick up the papers, it’s drawings of you. Portraits sketched out from a ballpoint pen. Some dated as far back as a month ago to as recent as a few days ago. Oscar drew you. He did so multiple times and in such craft it takes your breath away. 

You feel the tears begin to well in your eyes. The pain that you have caused him. How do you fix this?

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[starshipsofstarlord]

Dove

Pairing | Roman Sionis x reader

Summary | there is another little birdie that Roman spends his time with, one that coos away from the spotlight and remains hidden. She is his dove, the love that he refrains from sharing with anyone, a prisoner that does not realised that she is locked in a cage.

Warnings | mentions of violence, can be perceived as imprisonment of reader or not if you want, difficulty with getting pregnant, swearing

Requested ✖️

Quick link to my masterlist, if you’re interested in reading more of my crap 😬

Canary walked into the apartment of the boss, nervous to begin her first day at being Roman Sionis’ driver. Initially, the woman hadn’t been sure what to expect of the living space above the club, she suspected that it would be in a similar

She hadn’t asked for a promotion, the woman was content with bellowing her voice in stage, singing like a bird. But now, as a consequence for protecting the Harley Quinn, she was now a driver, a replacement for the one that no longer had the ability to move a vehicle from place to place.

Sionis’ home if it could be called that, was above the club, perched as a nest so that the man behind it all could see everything that occurred around. The windows, large and perfect for viewing out of, were great scopes out into the bustling city, to which the Black Mask brought some fear out into.

He was a killer, that was known. A torturer, a face that Gotham feared. It was merely circumstance for how Dinah ended up working for him in the first place. It was not at all what she had been aiming for, the singing gig was as far as she had assumed she would get, but now, she was starting a new and more personal job for the same scheming man.

But it appeared that she was not the only dame in Gotham that was given the request to walk into the home of Roman Sionis, for a lavished and well clothed woman stood, staring like a songbird out towards the outside world. Her eyes were cast down, surely watching the commotion that riled the streets on a daily basis.

“Ah, there you are.” The voice belonging to Roman Sionis abruptly made Dinah inwardly jump, though she didn’t allow the surprise to dictate to her body. Instead, she turned around to face the mobster, adjoined by Victor that followed after hun, an shrewd smile ragged on his face. “My new driver, are you ready for your first day.”

“Singing was kinda my thing but -“ she watched his expression fade to one folded with creases and instead plastered on a smile, quickly changing the direction of her sentence, “yes, I am. I’m not the worst driver, though, it was a shame of what happened to the last one, concerning the fault of Harley Quinn.”

Sionis rolled his eyes at the mention of the jester like woman, making a noise of disgust, before adding details to Canary’s perception. “He deserved it, that man was bound to get into trouble somewhen, the only difference is that he kept his face. He had a frequent thirst to make my dove uncomfortable, isn’t that right my lovely?”

The woman faced away from the window, glancing convincingly towards the man that had just spoken to her. Not saying a word, she nodded, feeling all the eyes except her own that were present within the premises of the room were on her. It wasn’t much different to normal, but it was a vow she had taken, she did not speak to anyone besides Roman.

Doves mated for life, and within their relationship, she insisted that she treat him the same, which was where the nickname that she had so idly been called had originated from. She was loyal to this man, who was powerful and wealthy all on his own, and that proved alone that she needed nothing more than him to be the centre of the world.

“Hi, I’m Dinah.” She attempted to greet herself, but all that she earned from the spoilt woman was a blank stare, as though she were processing the woman. “Is she okay?” Her question was directed towards either or out of the men, and assumed, it was one of them whom responded instead of her.

“Y/n.” Her eyes snapped up to meet his own, and inside, her stomach crawled as she looked up into his stern gaze. To her relief, he turned back to Dinah, after dismissing her of the title of a white bird, and striking an induction of anxiety within her gut. “She doesn’t speak to anyone, it is difficult for her to trust anyone, let alone exchange worlds with them. Is that not right dove?”

Biting her lip, to reduce the sounds of whimpers that were threatening to spill from her mouth, she stiffly nodded her head, causing a grin to smother the man’s face. “Today, Canary, you will be taking me and y/n to the clinic, we have an important appointment to attend to, is that not right my lovely girl?”

Again she nodded, feeling a pit of happiness swell in the space of her womb. She could feel her dreams moving closer to the reality that she silently lived in, the things that she greatly wanted within her reach.

“I’ll go and start the car.” Dinah announced, wanting nothing more to leave the room. The atmosphere had not at all been uncomfortable in the slightest, but it was strange to see the extraordinary owner of the club that she had worked up appear so domesticated. Though, she thought y/n to be anything but, it was as though she were scared to allow any truths to mumble from her dormant tongue.

She was sure that no one in the entire city had seen the woman out in the open and free. It would not be a surprise if she were imprisoned in that apartment, though it was confusing, for it did not seem like she wanted to leave. Instead, it appeared as though she was scared of anyone else that was not Roman.

Usually, people usually feared him, knowing full well of what he was capable of. Though, instead, y/n was comfortable in his presence, which was one strange thing out of many. Dinah was extracted from her thoughts as the back doors suspended open, the happy couple entering the vehicle, and adjusting their seat belts. “Which clinic?” She asked, glancing back in the rear view mirror at the pair.

Roman had his gloved hands trailing up the thighs of his dove, as though they were sleek platforms of ice, and his fingers were dancing upon the frozen surface. “The one around south, a few miles before that place that sells the terrible artwork.” His taste in everything gave have her an initial and well acquainted idea with what place that he was on about, and thus she started the vehicle.

The strong woman remained in silence, copying y/n’s frequent behaviour as she drove, noticing her small gestures towards the elder man. Her nose rubbed around his collar, directly breathing in the fog of his aftershave, which Dinah could smell already from the distance of the front seat. Though, it appeared sweet as the pair brushed specks of stray hairs out of the others eyes, and padded down their blazers.

Finally, the driver stopped, watching as the pair abandoned the vehicle, and went inside of the small corporative building, hand in hand. Roman’s grip was much tougher than her own, squeezing all human feeling out of her palm, half dragging her inside. Both seemed to appear eager for what lay inside, though, Dinah did not share their enthusiasm.

She had no idea of how long they would be within the clinic, and thus, she had to wait for their return before she could steer and leave. Absentmindedly, she picked the skin around her nails as she waited for Roman and y/n to come back out to the car, the wait feeling like forever as she put on the radio, bobbing her head subtly the tune that she often heard on nights out.

The driver was fast to snap her head up as she heads footsteps, and they belonged to her cruising passengers, that seemed rather deflated. Their once relaxed and worry free mood was nowhere in sight, and instead, when opening the door for y/n and climbing in afterwards, he slammed the expensive door, crossing his arms in thought.

“Is everything okay boss?” She warily asked, feeling as his eyes sent daggers towards her once she used her voice. He released a prominent scoff, shaking his head disappointedly at her enquiry. Roman repeated her question to himself, arrogantly laughing at it.

“No it’s fucking not! I don’t ask for anything, I do what I am supposed to, and the world cannot even let my dove bare my child!” He sulked in his seat, pouting profusely out the window as he once again took in the truth behind his words.

Dinah knew better than to speak, and instead left Roman and his endless rant uninterrupted. Though, as she adjusted the rear view mirror, she caught a glimpse of y/n, smirking quite pleased with the state that her lover had gotten into. It slightly scared Canary, finding the situation that she was mulling over to be silent but deadly.

So far, it was all quite clear. She did not want to carry the child of the business man, and the results that she had received were anything but a curse. She liked to think of them more as a godsend and a blessing.