#how sad must the watching experience be for them without seeing the 15 year love story of sam and dean?

[bloodfreak-boyking]

how to look at your brother in a platonic and god-honoring way

[emmy-dekarios-bg3]

Heart of the Weave - a Baldurs Gate fanfiction - part 3

Chapter 15 - the end of a new beginning {this is the end of “Heart of the Weave” for now but stay tuned for a new part!}

The past several days have only brought us a serene life thankfully. I decided to hide the photos and letter my mom sent me over a month ago rather than burn it. I can at least look at the happy times between my mother and Gortash, back before he worshiped Bane. I no longer feel sadness from the events that have occurred thankfully, and I’m welcoming every positive feeling that greets me.

Today, we’re all spending the day at the beach. I love how it’s walking distance from our tower, so we can enjoy the sunlight as we stroll to the crystal waters that practically lives in our backyard. Shadowheart and Astarion come with, which is so nice because I haven’t seen either of them in ages!

Astarion takes Asher into the shallow waters, while Gale introduces Jenevelle to the beauty of the placid ocean. She loves baths, so I imagine she will be quite fond of the sea. The guys are talking and smiling, exchanging some sort of conversation. Whatever it’s about, they both seem heavily engaged in it. I love seeing them be best friends; who would have thought? When we all first met, they didn’t exactly like each other. Shadowheart and I lie underneath the blazing sun, getting a tan and a small break from the babies.

“I’m so glad we’re all hanging out again. Astarion needed some guy time, and I missed you like crazy,” she comments as she takes a swig of her lemonade.

“I missed you too. I was worried we would drift apart or something. Gods, it feels so nice to be living in peace for once without any burdens. I can finally get back to life again.” Shadowheart chuckles as she lies there, absorbing the energies of the sun. She knows how much we went through.

“I imagine. I’m thankful you’ve found peace.” As we converse and catch up on life, disregarding any horrible past experiences, I hear a familiar voice.

“Emmy!��� Rolan. I can separate that voice from anyone else’s immediately. Shadowheart and I turn our heads to see him approach us. I wonder why he’s been in Waterdeep so much lately?

“Whoa, hey Rolan!” I cheer, a smile lighting up my face.

“Wow, you both brought your families today. How have you been?”

“Not too bad honestly! Say, what are you doing in Waterdeep? Did you move here? I feel like I’ve seen you a lot here lately.” He takes a sip from his wine glass.

“I actually got a job at the Academy, I’ll be Gale’s new assistant. Cal and Lia are watching the tower for me while I’m gone. I’ll eventually open up my own school or become a professor down the road, whichever comes first. I figured I could learn a thing or two from your intelligent husband.” Shadowheart and I both smile with pure intensity, thrilled at this news. This could mean another friend to add to our circle, or someone to discuss magic with for Gale’s sake.

“Rolan! That’s amazing!”

“Yeah, congrats! You’re going to accomplish everything you’ve ever wanted. I just know it,” Shadowheart adds. He smiles, revealing his cheek dimples. He has worked so hard to get where he is now, and he still has so much to look forward to.

“Why thank you, my dear friends. And I must say, I’m proud of you all as well. It seems you both have an incredibly happy family. After everything, you deserve it.” Shadowheart and I smile, exchanging glances and then look back at Rolan. We have come such a long way in three years. Wow… It’s hard to believe nearly four years ago, I found myself abandoned from a nautiloid crash.

“Thank you Rolan. Life is pretty peachy, if I do say so myself.” I admire my handsome husband who is playing with our infant in the water. She seems to really be enjoying herself thankfully, and nothing makes me happier than seeing my two favorite people enjoying themselves. Gale turns to face me, passing a smile with his perceptive and glistening chocolate brown eyes as he holds Jenevelle close to his chest. I mouth the words I love you to him as our eyes hold contact with one another. I couldn’t ask for a better life despite the insane circumstances.

[t55-flyer]

Balan's melancholy

just another day inside the theatre, the rooms are empty, the costumes have gone back to their homes and families, the air is cold and still and the night is alive and well, the visitors had left a while ago.

Balan was alone in the theater atrium, remembering the things he hasnt seen, the things he didnt experience, the things those visitors do and he cannot catch up to... the greatest example being that single lady that had visited earlier in the day Emma cole, he had already worked on her twice already, two times fixing her heart several years apart, now was the third time. She had gone from a young and troubled 15 year old to a young and troubled 25 year old, and the things she had to say, the things that had happened, all of the good and bad, the ups and downs, it was beautiful and awful at the same time. but for him it was demoralizing, it was a reminder that he was not human, he was a maestro; something larger, greater, more enduring than humans, humans were like mayflies, they lived such short lives yet so filled with emotion and wonder, it hurt him to not be able to experience that, to see them grow and live... there was so much he was mi ssing on, not knowing how to release this sad feelings he goes to a nearby piano, playing it he starts singing something a visitor sang to him back in the 90′s Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile I watch her go with a surge of that well-known sadness And I have to sit down for a while

(several balan grab nearby instruments as he sings)

The feeling that I'm losing her forever And without really entering her world I'm glad whenever I can share her laughter That funny little girl (several balan copies appear to act as a chorus)

Slipping through my fingers all the time I try to capture every minute The feeling in it Slipping through my fingers all the time Do I really see what's in her mind? Each time I think I'm close to knowing She keeps on growing

(he keeps playing the piano, eyes closed just feeling the song as their copies follow along)

Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sleep in our eyes, her and me at the breakfast table Barely awake, I let precious time go by Then when she's gone, there's that odd melancholy feeling And a sense of guilt I can't deny

(he takes the lead as the copies harmonize)

What happened to the wonderful adventures The places I had planned for us to go? (Slipping through my fingers all the time) Well, some of that we did but most we didn't And why? I just don't know

Slipping through my fingers all the time I try to capture every minute The feeling in it Slipping through my fingers all the time Do I really see what's in her mind? Each time I think I'm close to knowing She keeps on growing Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture And save it from the funny tricks of time

(he lets go the full extent of his voice along his copies)

Slipping through my fingers! (everyone stops singing as he just lets the feeling flow)

Slipping through my fingers all the time

(the whole orchestra tones down as he does a solo)

Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile (a single teardrop falls down his cheek, landing on the piano keys as a gemstone) Lance steps in Lance: feeling down lately brother? is because of that girl you love too much? Balan: I'd just wish to experience what they do, to know them as they know each other, I'd give everything just for one lifetime, to know what really is to be human Lance: brother, we must keep detached, I dared commit that sin. I loved humans waay to much and look at me, a pestering husk of my former self, a beacon of negativity and darkness, the equilibrium must be kept for the sake of wonderworld, we can love humans but we must keep detached Balan: I KNOW RIGHT... i i... im just tired let's go to bed Lance: that's right brother, tomorrow we have more work to do, don't worry im here for you... even if im not that hepful at times Balan: thanks brother

[shima-draws]

THIS IS SEVERAL DAYS (WEEKS?) LATE BUT I LOVE YOU ALL thanks for enabling me

-The AU begins with a casual city patrol. Izuku, Todoroki, Uraraka and Ojiro are teamed up. Things are seemingly normal until they accidentally bump into Shigaraki and Kurogiri—a completely unplanned encounter. Despite Kurogiri’s warnings, Shigaraki charges into battle against the students. Kurogiri jumps in to back him up by using his warps

-There’s a close call where Izuku’s about to get the jump on Shiggy—but Kurogiri manages to open a warp right before Izuku can reach him. This is where things get...funky.

-Izuku activates One For All as he disappears into the warp. Kurogiri opens a gate somewhere nearby. Todoroki and the others wait for Izuku to reappear...but he doesn’t.

-Todoroki, Uraraka and Ojiro gang up on Kurogiri and demand their friend back. Kurogiri doesn’t know what to do, this has never happened before, and he doesn’t know how to bring Izuku back. Apparently his warp malfunctioned, and Izuku seemed to get lost between dimensions.

-Finally, several minutes later, Izuku reappears. In the ensuing chaos Kurogiri and Shigaraki make their escape. Izuku is weak and shaking from the distorted warp, so Todoroki calls Aizawa and takes him back to campus.

-Izuku explains that it felt like he was falling, and almost like his entire body was trying to rip itself apart molecule by molecule—but then he fell back into the warp and came out on the other side like he was supposed to. Recovery Girl checks on him and just says that he’s in shock, no other injuries besides that. Izuku tries telling her about the strange feeling of pain he had, but she just says it might be a side effect of Kurogiri’s quirk, and that it might be some sort of delayed reaction. Izuku accepts that and things go back to normal

Rest is under the cut because she is looooooong lmao

-Except they don’t. Izuku starts to have strange dreams about somebody calling out to him. They leave him feeling unsettled and shaky in the mornings, almost like how he felt right after the warp. The dreams don’t go away—they keep coming back almost every night, and while they seem to get clearer, he still can’t figure out what they mean.

-Things start to get worse when the dreams transition over into the waking world, and Izuku starts to see flashes of someone with white hair and sad eyes in the corners of his vision. He easily gets distracted during training, and can’t seem to shake the worried feeling he has about this being important. 

-It all comes to a head when Izuku suddenly finds himself in that weird place between dimensions during a training drill. He’s only there for a few seconds, but he’s finally able to catch a glimpse of what that world is like, because the last time he was there he was falling and spiraling and was too panicked to pay attention to his surroundings. After he snaps back to himself, he wonders if it was just in his head, but when it happens again and his friends have to shake him out of it, he realizes that his mind keeps transporting to that world...it seems like his place in reality is faltering.

-The “visions” slowly continue to get longer and longer each time, with Izuku slipping into that world more often. It’s getting harder to hide it from his classmates and teachers, and finally, there’s a time where it happens and Izuku is unresponsive for over 15 minutes. The person with the white hair keeps showing up, and Izuku is desperate to find out who they are

-During another training session, Izuku feels the lapse coming on, and decides to hide away for a bit to let it pass. Except this time he doesn’t just slip into the nether dimension with just his mind—this time his whole body transports there...and he finally figures out the truth.

-Izuku searches through the new world. Everything is distorted and gravity is all topsy turvy, and when he finally catches sight of the person reaching out to him in his dreams, he follows them. At long last he discovers just who has been communicating with him...and it’s himself!!

-The mystery ghost is finally revealed: an older Izuku, from another timeline. He explains to Izuku that the place they’re in now is a world between time and space that acts as a stabilizer and general overseer of other timelines and worlds. He refers to it as the Beyond, or by its more technical name, the nexus. Apparently the other Izuku has been here for a long time, keeping watch over all of his alternate selves and keeping the timelines in balance.

-Izuku questions just why he was brought there, and his alternate self tells him that when he activated One For All in Kurogiri’s warp, it ripped open a hole in space and he was able to make a connection to the Beyond, primarily because of his alternate self’s already existing presence there. That connection is unfortunately unstable so it kept pulling Izuku back in over time. The other Izuku has been trying to fix that connection but wasn’t able to do so without full contact, which is why he’d been reaching out to Izuku in his dreams.

-To make things easier, the other Izuku asks to be called Nexus. Izuku peppers him with questions, but Nexus is reluctant to answer. He decides to send Izuku back while he researches about his connection there to try and fix it—and then he makes Izuku swear that he won’t tell anybody about their interaction, mostly because outsiders shouldn’t be aware of the Beyond’s existence in the first place.

-Izuku arrives back in his world and realizes that several hours have passed since he vanished into the Beyond. His classmates and teachers swarm him when he returns, saying that they were about to send out pros to go find him. Toshinori questions Izuku about what’s been going on with him lately, but due to the promise he made Izuku can’t answer.

-As the days pass, Izuku continuously visits Nexus (mostly because he has no choice in the matter, being dragged there by the distortion lol) and tries to pry more answers out of him. Nexus is shockingly tight lipped and Izuku knows that something bad must have happened in his timeline for him to be here. Being older isn’t the only factor tying into Nexus’ general quiet demeanor and more serious attitude. Meanwhile, Toshinori and the Dekusquad are hurt by Izuku’s silence on what’s going on with him, and Izuku has an internal struggle over what matters more: the promise he made, or the trust of his friends and family. It’s a rough time.

-Izuku breaks down and Nexus realizes that maybe it’s time he starts being more forthcoming—he knows what the burden of secrets does to Izuku, being Izuku himself. Nexus finally reveals that his timeline had been completely wiped from existence centuries ago, due to an epic, climactic battle with AFO who was attempting to figure out how to access the Beyond and gain control over it in order to rule over all possible timelines. Apparently there was a backlash when AFO tried to access the Beyond and it caused the timeline to be erased. Izuku is absolutely horrified by the truth, realizing that billions of people existing in that timeline are just...gone now. Including everyone he loves. 

-Izuku asks if AFO is gone too. Nexus looks haunted by that, but says he’s sure that he’s gone for good...leaving himself as the only proof that his world even existed at all. After Izuku leaves, Nexus decides to do a bit of digging, just to make sure that the AFO from his world truly is dead. And what he finds is not comforting.

-Apparently, after the timeline had been wiped from existence, Nexus wasn’t the only one who was tossed out before it happened. He discovers that AFO is still around, and that he’s been skulking between timelines, gathering new quirks and more power. Terrified, Nexus summons Izuku and tells him of his findings, and says that if AFO were to come after him in the Beyond, or any of them from any timeline, there’s no way they would survive the battle.

-Izuku convinces Nexus to come to his timeline to explain everything, because clearly this is no longer a one man job and something Nexus can’t handle by himself. The issue with that is that the Beyond has a strict no interference policy, at least on the basis of entering the timelines and tampering with them, so Nexus has been stuck there for centuries because he’s literally not allowed to go timeline hopping lol

-However, since Izuku was able to make a connection there and can travel between the two worlds freely (for the most part…) he’s able to utilize that connection to allow Nexus to enter his dimension. Nexus sees the sky for the first time in hundreds of years and is shaken into complete silence.

-The rest of the Dekusquad happen to be there when Izuku arrives with his alternate self and immediately bombard him with questions, but Izuku tells them the first thing they need to do is go see All Might and the other teachers to explain what’s going on.

-Upon seeing All Might again for the first time in centuries, Nexus bursts into tears (and this is a MONUMENTAL moment because Izuku hasn’t seen him cry once since meeting him, even when he told him that everyone he loved no longer exists). There’s a lot of fluffy family bonding and it’s very soft. Toshi holds onto both his boys and cries and I’M EMO LISTEN

-Nexus prepares to tell all the staff what’s going on, but first he reveals to Izuku that he didn’t...exactly tell him everything about what happened to his timeline. A quirk user is brought in who can read memories and project them on a movie screen, and the teachers and Izuku watch in horrified silence as they experience the last night of terror and heartbreak Nexus went through before his timeline was erased forever.

-The memories play back. Izuku is awoken in the middle of the night to find that the entire city is burning. The screams and pleas for help echo all around, and he finds that he can’t get into contact with any of his friends. Racing outside, Izuku looks up to see AFO silhouetted against the red sky, floating among the ashes and smoke. As Izuku hurries to catch up to him, he witnesses the sheer horror of a mass body count and hundreds dead along the way, including lots of minor and pro heroes that he knows.

-Izuku finally reaches AFO and immediately leaps into the fight. He doesn’t stand a chance. AFO has gathered too many quirks, and explains his plan to escape this dimension and gain access to the Beyond in order to spread his control further. Izuku is joined by his friends, but does not get to enjoy their help for long, because each of them are struck down, one by one. Fueled by rage and grief, Izuku ramps up OFA all the way and completely lets loose, chipping away at AFO while he cries over the deaths of his friends. Yeah this is gruesome and dark as shit and I’m not sorry

-AFO is about to get one final attack in—but Bakugou arrives at the last second and takes the blow for him. Bakugou dies in Izuku’s arms and that’s the last straw—OFA goes out of control right as AFO is preparing to open a warp to the Beyond, and the power spark causes a backlash that distorts everything, making the world glitch out.

-When Izuku wakes up, he finds himself in the Beyond with the blood of his friends on his hands. Information starts flooding into his brain about the Beyond and all of the timelines it’s tied to, and Izuku realizes what has happened. His home is gone...his friends, his family, the entire world...all wiped from existence. Now he is the only one left, tasked with taking care of the Beyond and mourning his losses for the rest of eternity.

-Needless to say, everyone watching the memories play are extremely emotional, and Izuku (our Izuku) is overcome with so much grief for his alternate self that they end up in an embrace, sharing a feeling that only they know between each other.

-Nezu and the other teachers agree to help Nexus defeat AFO once and for all. Nexus tells them that bringing in Class 1-A would be smart as well, and that he won’t make the same mistake twice and let them die. They decide to battle it out in the Beyond, it being the safest place to go wild without any risk of casualties or property destruction. And so!! Izuku introduces Nexus to the rest of the class, they all take a trip to the Beyond together, and so begins their grand training arc.

-Nexus preps each member of Class 1-A individually and on teams. They take turns going up against him and all get their asses thoroughly handed to them :) Nexus is hella strong and has had centuries to practice. He teaches them how to use the terrain of the Beyond, how to deal with the gravity and use it to their advantage. He tells them how to look for AFO’s tells and quirks so they can deal with his multipurpose battle style. Overall it’s a very fun yet stressful time with lots of bonding, sleepovers in the Beyond, and everybody getting a huge ass crush on Nexus because 1. He pretty, 2. He stronk, 3. He’s literally an eldritch being at this point, and 4. It’s Izuku. How can they not.

-There’s a time where Nexus takes Izuku to a special corner of the Beyond, and Izuku sees it’s covered for miles and miles and miles with gravestones. Izuku realizes that Nexus had spent years crafting as many as he could for all of the people that were erased from his timeline, even those he didn’t know, and at this point he’s lost count with how many there are. There’s a separated section with all of his family members and friends, and each of the stones are carved with special memorials. The rest of the class shows up and gets to look at their own gravestones and it’s fucked up as shit!! It’s very emotional and then everybody smothers Nexus with hugs and hgnhhhgh 🥺

Obviously there’s a lot that happens after this and the whole battle and everything but like. I don’t have all that planned out yet. But this is the general idea for the most part!! I’ve had a lot of fun brainstorming for this AU, I would do anything for Nexus period, and I’m super excited to start making content for it >:D

THANK YOU FOR READING and thanks for letting me infodump oh my god this is so long

[issaxcharlie]

We say we're friends, we play pretend (1/2)

Pairing: Charlie Gillespie x Fem reader

Summary: Charlie and Y/N were best friends and a couple as teens, after their breakup they meet again 4 years later on the bootcamp of JATP and have to work together. Will something else happen or they are just friends?

Charlie must have imagined something like this could happen. Since Kenny discovered her 5 years ago, she has been a really close friend to the director, participating in some way or another in almost all his projects.

In front of him after years, Y/N Y/L, his childhood best friend and ex-girlfriend. The young actor is not going to admit that he saw every single one of her projects or how moved he was by her in each one of them, many times even thinking of maybe sending her a little message saying the incredible job she did.

But he never found the courage.

It’s weird to remember how he spent most of his life next to the woman, now one of the top youth artists with multiple musicals and movies on her hits list. They always had a strong bond, every single day together. Sleepovers, music classes, dancing classes, homework, parties, movie nights, hockey, illness days, pretty much everything. At the age of 15 they began a very sweet and innocent relationship that ended at 18 when Y/N moved to New York to work in her first leading role.

The break up was on good terms but painful, so painful that both preferred to lose contact completely than to have the other from time to time opening the wound again and again.

And there she was. As beautifil as ever, speaking happily with Kenny while Madison and Owen jump up and down, Jeremy smiles and Charlie looks like he wants to throw up.

“Y/N Y/L, my golden star. She is the official composer of the soundtrack, and she will be supporting you throughout the album process as well as helping Paul and me in other creative aspects, I know she is the same age as some of you but she has a lot of experience in this and all the necessary preparation so don't hesitate to get all the knowledge you can out of her."

Everyone introduces themselves until the guitarist is the only one left, luckily for him, he’s in voice rest these two weeks so he literally cannot speak.

They both look nervous but the moment their eyes meet their complicity comes out and both smile slightly.

“He’s Charlie, he is in voice rest but we are fans of yours. We cried yesterday watching your last musical, it was just brilliant." Owen lets out hardly breathing, Y/N turns with a smile to see the Canadian boy who wants to kill his friend and then commit suicide.

“Thank you! This is going to be such an interesting experience.” The singer murmurs as she winks at Charlie.

2 hours later they had both been avoiding each other, Y/N writing in a corner while the band and Kenny discuss costumes with Soyon, in which at least half an hour has been wasted trying to understand what Charlie is trying to say with the few words he writes with an apple pencil on his ipad in his horrible handwritting.

Y/N gets frustrated and goes to where they are, approaching behind Charlie's shoulder to see the iPad. She quickly identifies the two words, one so crossed out that it looks like a doodle, but years copying each other's homework pays off.

"He's trying to say that if Luke isn't going to wear bandanas, at least consider wearing beanies." The young woman says as she leans on the shoulder of who was her first love.

Charlie freezes at their proximity, blushing a little at the feeling of being close after so long. Luckily his castmates don't realize it because all their attention is on her.

“You are just good for everything huh? Even deciphering hieroglyphs." Owen comments, smiling at her and winking exaggeratedly to make her laugh.

Charlie can't help but feel insecure with the situation. It could be a friendly thing but If Owen really tries to flirt with her, he doesn't know how he would react. Is sad enough not having her in his life anymore, having her as his best friend's girlfriend would just be too painful.

Now, he knows he’s exaggerating, and a lot. But he has to do something about it. Better safe than sorry.

He stretches his neck to meet the eyes of his ex-girlfriend, who is now only inches away. She quickly gets flustered, but hides it pretty well. The problem is that he knows every gesture perfectly and sees through her mask.

“Wh- What, Gillespie?” She manages to say, Charlie can’t help a smile seeing the way she still reacts towards him.

When you know a person completely, every facet, every gesture, every peculiarity, speaking without words is as natural as breathing. And they had both forgotten how amazing it feels to have someone in your life who is this compatible and magnetic.

They start a conversation, she answers to who secretly still believes as her person while he continues making gestures and mimics that no one else understands, writing a word from time to time to make the talk flow better.

"I know. Hey, it's not my fault! So you excuse yourself with the ‘can't talk’ thing huh? how convenient. Yeah, Ok, I will. I said I will!" Her words are the only thing that they manage to get out of the conversation that the secret ex-couple is having, since no matter how much attention they pay to him, they have no idea how Y/N manages to decipher it.

"I have no idea what's going on but I'll take it as a miracle, I was just going to suggest ignoring Charlie these 2 weeks." Jeremy jokes, everyone nods their heads.

“I mean, it’s still a good option.” Madison replies.

The 14 days go by quickly, and with the former couple spending time together daily, rehearsing Charlie's guitar solos together, with Y/N translating his horrible scribbles, or sometimes simply being close to each other enjoying the company, absentmindedly placing their hand on the other's leg or their forehead on their shoulder for a few seconds during the breaks.

Basically the whole team has noticed the flirtatious smiles and the looks, but Charlie was the weakest rival of both and the one who could release some information about it, and without being able to speak they basically ran out of an informant, since the young singer didn’t let go a word about her unexpected chemistry with the guitarist except the typical ‘we are just good friends’.

But without a doubt the energies began to multiply on Monday when Charlie arrived with the green light to be able to speak and start singing in rehearsals. Madison couldn't attend the first few hours because she was at school, so Y/N was going to cover her so the boys could practice.

“The first on the list is Finally Free, the place where we are going to record it only gave us two weeks from now so it will have to be one of the priorities. For the first rehearsal just vibe with the song and we’ll discover where to go from there. Oh, and good luck keeping up with my golden star, you’ll need it."

Y/N starts the first verse on the keyboard, and gets up to sing the chorus in the center, trying to ignore Charlie and looking up at Jeremy. She hadn’t heard him sing for a couple of years, but the same butterflies appear in her stomach and she knows that she will melt if she looks into his eyes.

Unfortunately for her, Kenny doesn't have the same plan, and just before the second verse ends he tells her to walk over to Charlie, who immediately smiles and sings the pre-chorus with much more enthusiasm. The energy they radiate floods the place, both getting closer and closer. By the time the bridge arrives, their foreheads are practically against each other, their lips only an inch apart, and with a confidence and comfort while singing to each other that makes all those who suspected that there was something between them now practically sure.

Luckily there are only Jeremy, Kenny, Owen and Paul in the room, who decide to play a game of divide and conquer now that the snitch part of the equation can speak.

“Y/N, can you come with me for a moment? I have a new idea for ‘Wow’ and a fresh pair of eyes is just what I need.” Paul says, sacrificing himself for the greater good.

“Yeah, of course, I’ll be right back.” The singer takes the opportunity to leave this staring game with Charlie and quickly walks away from the guitarist, who winks at her in a flirting way in response.

The moment they walk out the door, everyone turns to see Charlie, who has no idea what they're up to.

“What?”

"After what just happened you just can't keep pretending nothing's happening. Man, that was more intense than the whole Troyella moments during all three movies." Kenny pretends to be offended for a second and then nods.

"I have never seen anything like this in all my years of career."

“Yeah dude it was electric.” Owen replies, smirking.

“She’s my person.” Charlie mumbles.

If he’s being honest with himself, deep down he always knew she was the only one for him. But that realization was freaking scary. What's next if the only person for you has already turned the page? gave up without a fight? what's left?

"What?" The three ask in unison, and Charles begins to sing like a bird.

“We grew up together and then we lost the way. Like in those romantic movies where just everyone knows they belong together except the childhood best friends and then they end up ruining their lives by being in denial.”

“From what I saw getting back on track shouldn't be too difficult, Charlie. I assure you that whatever you feel she feels it too. Her eyes don’t lie." Jeremy tries to reason with him.

“Leave your teen problems behind. You are old enough to decide what you want and find a way to make it work. But you have to stop pretending that nothing is happening first." Owen scolds his friend.

“Do you love her?” Jer asks.

“That answer is always going to be yes, I just could never stop loving her even If I tried. And I did.” He really did. The surprise he got when the second he had her close to him his heart began to beat like crazy and all he wanted was to hug her and fix everything. It was as if when seeing her eyes time hadn’t passed, as if only the day before they’d been goofing around together. That bond is so big that he doesn’t believe it’s possible to break.

“Then do something about it, bro! Go get your girl back!” Jeremy advises while Kenny smiles.

“Yeah man, it’s ‘Now or never’ like her song, and I guess ours too now? Since she wrote it for Sunset Curve? Well, anyway, it’s like our song says.” Owen exclaims excitedly.

“Ohhh, musical inspiration, let me try. ‘Get up, get out, relight that spark’.” Jeremy sings to Charlie.

“Jer, you are a genius. If you think about it wake up is actually a pretty good soundtrack song for this situation. ‘It's not what you lost, It's what you'll gain raising your voice in the rain’.”

They both keep singing the song until they reach the bridge, Charlie tries to look frustrated but a slight smile escapes his face.

They are right, he still hasn't lost this fight.

👻PART 2 RIGHT HERE

[simsadventures]

Gilded: Chapter 3: Power Over Me

Mobster!Steve x Reader

Summary: What more can you do than have a rad bachelorette party and then move to a house full of mobsters. It all sounds fun, right? Well, not according to your experience. 

Warnings: mobster AU, drinking, swearing, surveillance, angst, smidge of fluff, violence, mention of bruises, fear 

Word Count: 5737

A/N: A little late, I know I know, but I wanted to make sure the chapter was exactly how I wanted it. I keep thinking I will get to the wedding, and then some situations occur and I know I have to concentrate on them a little more. Than being said, I think we will finally see the wedding next! What do you think of this part? Did you like it? Is the reader a little less annoying? Let me know xx

Series Masterlist __ Masterlist 

< Previous Chapter 

The scene was supposed to be joyous, but, for some reason, the majority of what you felt was filled with sadness. Not for any particular reason, it was just the weigh of your decision finally settling in your heart and the realization hitting you that you would indeed be getting married in a week to a total stranger, who was a mobster, none less. 

You chose it, you had to remind yourself as tears fought their way in your eyes. It was just momentary sadness overpowering you, the feeling that your wedding wouldn’t be filled with people loving and caring for you, that the day would be more about showing off Steve’s power over the world than showing his love for his new bride, for whom he had none. And you would be there almost alone: no parents, no extended family, and a very few close friends. Whom you loved dearly, of course, and without whom you wouldn’t even be considering taking such a step. You needed them there, and not just the two lovable idiots you lived with. 

It was also people you’ve come to love during your university years as well as some coworkers, like Christy and Anja. Together it made around 15 people, which was actually a lot more than you had anticipated, but still. It would have to be Aidan walking you down the aisle, and just the mere thought made a choked sob escape your lips. 

The sound brought the attention of the room to you, and before you knew it, you were enveloped in a bone-crushing hug from all the people there, everyone telling you that you should be happy, that this was a good thing. Of course, nobody except Caroline and Aidan knew the reality behind the wedding. All they thought was happening was that you fell madly in love with Steve Rogers, and now you two were tying the knot. You even overhead Aisha say that you were definitely pregnant, otherwise, you wouldn’t have rushed into it like this. You tried to assure everyone that there was no pregnancy at all, but, of course, people believed what they wanted, and you lacked the energy to go around the room and speak to them individually, denying what they formed in their heads. 

It was Friday night, and you were in your apartment, surrounded by all those people who would come to your wedding. You sent a list of names to Steve that afternoon, and, after what you assumed was a background check on all of them, he agreed that yes, these 15 people could actually come. And when he did, you called an emergency meeting at your apartment, using it both as a way of inviting them to the wedding and as a kind of bachelorette party, where all you wanted to do was to drink heavily, eat a disgusting amount of carbs and pass out around dusk. Safe to say, all of your friends had been in, and by the time it was 11 PM, you were all tipsy, and people started to dance. Some (ehm, ehm, Caroline) even on a table, which was hilarious to the rest of you. 

The sadness came and went all evening, but you were determined not to let it ruin your night. So, every time you felt like it was creeping up on you again, you just told somebody and let them hug you until you were feeling better. 

Then, somebody came up with the idea to play Never Have I Ever, and since the tequila still burned in your veins, you agreed immediately. And so the game started. You were roaring like a pride of lions, each answer louder than the previous ones, but the most fun arose from telling each other funny stories. 

“Ok, so this one time I was blowing off my boyfriend, right? And you know how much I hate the taste of sperm, and he knows it as well, but this one time he really insisted on my swallowing, and so when he finally came, I squeaked and pointed somewhere behind him so that I could spit the cum to glass under the table, and when he turned around I showed him my mouth, void of any liquid, and he looked super proud,” your friend Naila laughed as she told the story to the question: never have I ever swallowed cum. 

The night was flowing smoothly, and soon, you saw that it was getting somehow lighter outside. And, sure enough, when you looked out of the window, you saw that the sunrise was coming in mere minutes. 

“Guys, guys! The sunrise is here. Let’s go to the roof to enjoy it,” you yelled even though half of the people were already fast asleep. The few of you who were still barely alive, which was around 5 of you, staggered towards the door and crawled up the stairs to the highest levels, and when you opened the last door, you had New York underneath you. 

You were wasted and exhausted, but the sight poured new life into you as you watched the early orange rays shine on one building at a time, waking up the city that never slept. It was magical, and it took your breath away. You felt your worries melting away as you saw a new day coming, and you thought it was a new day with many possibilities and hopes for you. You had nothing to lose, and Steve proved to you that he would, indeed, take care of you if need be. All would be if you just played your part and learned enough about Steve to be able to escape his wrath. 

The exhaustion then hit your body just as the ray hit your face, and you waved at the drunk group watching the sunrise, each of them in their own realm of thoughts, and soon enough, you sauntered back to your room, where you fell asleep just like the rest of the bachelorette party. 

A piercing tone woke you up with a start, and, for a second, you didn’t even know where you were, what time it was, or even what fucking century it was. The throbbing in your head prevented your brain from functioning properly, and so you rummaged through the pile of clothes next to your bed, fishing for what was obviously your phone. Gosh, how you hated the ringtone, and you reminded yourself to just mute your phone altogether because then nothing like this could happen again. 

You picked up without so much as looking at the screen and just sneered a harsh what into the speaker. 

“Well, good morning to you too, honey,” you heard Steve’s smug voice and rolled your eyes so hard the pain in your head increased. “Is this the way to greet your future husband? I don’t fucking think so,” he continued, and a considerable part of you contemplated just hanging up on him and his annoyingly sexy voice. 

“Steve, I have no fucking idea what time it is, but it’s definitely not time for you to call me and want me to be nice. Give me a few good hours of sleep, and then we can talk, ok?” You hoped this would do it, but from the silence on the other side, you assumed he wouldn’t let be just yet. 

“What happened? Did your bachelorette party get a little out of hand, and you went to sleep only after sunrise?” 

You gasped, shocked how he knew any of it, and for the first time, the fog in front of your brain lifted a little bit. You checked the time, and seeing it was only 9 AM, you assumed that asshole woke you up on purpose if he knew so much about your nightly activities. 

“How the fuck-“

“Language!” He yelled suddenly, and you flinched at the intensity of his voice. “I know everything, and I told you I would have somebody keeping an eye on you at all times. You’re only lucky the guy sleeping next to you is gay, you’d be in so much trouble otherwise, honey,” Steve spat, and the only sound you could muster was a long huff, as you regretted ever being born. 

“What do you want, Steve? If you know so much, you must know that I’m beat and all I wanna do is sleep, with a guy in my bed or without him. So, if you have something to tell me, please do, otherwise, have a good day, and I’ll catch up with you later.”

“We’re gonna have so much fun together, you and I, Y/N. I’m calling because I wanted to let you know that your room is prepared and ready for you and that your bodyguard will pick you up at exactly 8 PM, so don’t be late. Clint will also help you carry all things you need. I’ll send you his number so that you can be in touch with him. Oh, and honey? Take some aspirin and go to sleep, you sound like you need it,” even through the phone, you could hear him smirk as he hung up and let you on your own once again. Thank God.

“Who was it?” Aidan asked sleepily from the other side of the bed, and you just grumbled some response, not really sure if he understood what you meant, but when he hummed and patted your outstretched hand, you took it as yes, I understand you mean your future husband Steve Rogers, nice talk. 

The phone signalled you received a text, and when you looked at it, it was your bodyguard’s phone number and a directive, telling you to go to sleep already, because the dark circles under your eyes didn’t suit you. 

Oh, how you wanted to kill this man already. He got on your nerves more easily than anybody ever before, and for a brief moment, you wondered why he affected you so. You didn’t even know him, and you shouldn’t let him tossing you back and forth, but here you were, pissed because you could just imagine how proud he was of himself that he woke you up and told you what to do so many times in such a short call. 

Sighing, you got up from the bed and went to check the window to see if you could spot the nosy bodyguard ratting on you to Steve. You needed to have a word with him because he just couldn’t go running to Steve every time you blinked. 

Looking around the street, you tried to spot a strange vehicle, one that didn’t fit into the street you grew to know so well. And, sure enough, there was a large SUV, much like the one you had driven with Steve before, and you noticed that the windows were tilted. Since your apartment was on the first floor, anybody from the street had a great view right into your flat, and because you passed out totally exhausted, you didn’t have the time, nor did you remember to shut your blinds. 

You huffed and shut them now, cursing Steve and his nosiness because he wasn’t making your life any easier, and you weren’t even married yet. The year in front of you would be annoying and difficult, but maybe it would make you feel alive again. 

Shaking your head, you didn’t let the memories flood your brain as you strode back to your back, plopped on it belly-first and fell straight asleep.

“Are you sure it’s everything?” Aidan looked around your now half-empty room, except for the furniture that you knew you wouldn’t need. Steve promised to give you a furnished room, and you took his word for it, so you just took the essentials, like your clothes and sentimental stuff. Marie Condo would have been proud because you still managed to get rid of a few things that didn’t spark joy!

“Yeah, and even if I left something here, I could still come, you know? It’s not like I’m never seeing you or this place again. I’ll still be like a 30-minute ride away,” you smiled soothingly at him, but he just shook his head, obviously fighting all the emotions swirling in his heart. 

“Alright, alright. No crying. I’ll call you guys when I’m all settled, and Steve actually lets me be by myself, and I’ll show you the room, ok?”

Both Aiden and Caroline nodded speechlessly and then pulled you in a group hug. 

“You sure you wanna do it? We can still make it seem like we kidnapped you and take you somewhere to Mexico, or Argentina, or wherever he wouldn’t find you,” Caroline whispered, and you laughed through the tears fighting their way out of your eyes. 

“I’ll be fine, you’ll see. We will all have so much fun, and before we know it, the year is over, and I’m back here with you guys, having lived a little,” you smirked, and they nodded reassuringly, not really sure if it really was the best way to live a life, but they didn’t want to push you again. Your heart was set, and they both knew there was nothing they could do now. Except, of course, really kidnapping you. 

“Miss Y/L/N, we should go. The boss said we should be there at 9 PM at the latest, and I would prefer if we could be a little early,” Clint said professionally, but you could see that he was afraid of what would Steve do had you arrived late. You didn’t want to start this weird-ass journey by pissing your future husband or making him hurt his employees (you didn’t know whether he would actually do that, but just to be on the safe side, since he did cut off a guy’s finger a mere few days ago). 

You nodded and stepped from your best friends, looking at them and smiling brightly. You didn’t want any teary goodbyes, so you just showed them thumbs up and followed Clint out of the door. You knew there would be some tears when you left but didn’t think they would come as early as on the first step from your apartment. 

Fortunately, there weren’t that many steps to go before you were out of the building and rushed into the SUV by Clint. It was dark already, but you didn’t want him to see you cry, so you swiftly pulled out your sunglasses and put them on, not saying a word to Clint as he started the car and pulled it into New York’s night traffic. The lights around you were almost blinding, and for a moment, you were glad you had the glasses on, but then another wave of regret and sadness hit you, and you had a hard time keeping in the sobs. Scratching your arms, you stared out of the window and took a few calming breaths, telling yourself to get a grip because you were about to enter the lion’s den, and you couldn’t show them any emotions. 

You knew Clint knew what was going on, but he was gentleman enough not to comment on it. Still, you needed to make sure he understood this little episode was just between the two of you. 

“Can I ask you something, Clint?” You said suddenly and saw his eyes flickering between the road and the mirror, meeting your eyes for a moment. 

“Of course, Miss Y/L/N. However, I should warn you, I am not allowed to give you certain information,” he said formally, and you nodded knowingly. 

“Yeah, right. If I asked you to keep a little secret from your boss, would you keep it?” You asked and nibbled on your lower lip anxiously. 

He seemed to have thought for a second before he nodded his head in a manner telling you that there were things Steve didn’t need to know. His eyes met yours again before he spoke up. 

“I’m now your bodyguard, and if I think the information kept from the boss is in your best interest, then I won’t tell him anything. For example, you smiled all the way to the apartment, no tears and no sunglasses. Though, I think you should powder your nose and dry your face,” he smirked, and you laughed a little, nodding gratefully and doing exactly as he said. 

The car stopped exactly as you put all the supplies back into your purse, and you had a feeling Clint took a longer route to Steve’s house just to give your face the time to dry up and calm down. Checking the time, you saw it was 10 minutes before 9 and saw the relief on Clint’s face when he realized the same thing. 

“Alright, I will take you to the boss and then will get the boys to help with your things. We won’t go through anything, but if you need our help when you’re unpacking, all you have to do is text me,” Clint said, walking you to the door. 

The man you met on your first night there was standing as a sculpture at the exact same spot, and you wondered if he ever moved from that hallway. He did move towards you, gesturing to your purse, but Clint’s hand stopped him mid-motion. 

“She’s clean. I’ve been with her the whole time,” he said sternly and with authority, and when he saw the first man taking a breath to protest, Clint just gave him a chilling frown, and the man stepped down, hung his head in defeat and let you through. 

“It’s not a problem, Clint; I could have shown him the purse, you know?” You almost whispered as you walked through the empty rooms and hallways with Clint by your side. 

“They need to learn to respect you, Miss. You are, after all, marrying the boss very soon, and they need to understand that you are not a threat,” he gave you a curt nod, and you blushed a little. You didn’t know what it was, but the way Clint spoke to you with so much trust and respect already made you feel much better. You knew it would be an issue, so having somebody on your side was a huge relief already. 

“Thank you, Clint, I really-“ 

“Well, happy you two are best buddies already! Are you gonna braid each other’s hair and do each other’s nails soon too?” A voice snapped you back to reality, a voice you already knew too well. Steve was leaning against a door, his face stoic despite the mocking tone of his voice. Clint obviously tensed next to you, mumbled some apology and scurried out of the room, leaving you with Steve. 

You just looked at him and crossed your arms on your chest. 

“Do you need to be like this?” You asked incredulously, not really understanding why he had to be such an ass when all you did was having some sort of conversation with one of his loyal men. 

“Like what, honey? You seem to forget who I am and what I can do to you and your fucking life,” he sneered when he finally pulled away from the door and marched right in front of you. 

Your arms fell from your chest as you stared at him, trying to figure him out. Which, considering he was a prolific mobster, wasn’t the easiest task at hand. But you tried nevertheless and poked to see where was all this coming from. He obviously needed to be in control of every situation, always the centre of attention, and, you realized, it was probably this that pissed him off. You walked in, not really paying attention to him standing by the door but carelessly talking to somebody else. But his attitude was another thing entirely. 

“What do you want me to say, Steve? That I’m sorry I talked to somebody else and that it won’t happen again? You know it probably will, especially since you assigned Clint with the task of taking care of me and making sure I survive this year with you, which is really all he had done in the 40 minutes I have known him,” you reasoned, trying to sound confident but not pushy. You needed to show him that he couldn’t just toss you around like he might have thought. You didn’t expect him changing his attitude altogether for you, but you, at least, hoped he would go easy on you. 

He was seething but also thinking; you could see his mind going in overdrive to come up with something snarky and mean. But you were quicker than him, once again. 

“Will you be so kind and show me to my room? I would like to get settled in before we start talking about the wedding.”

“There will be no talk of a wedding. All you have to take care of is go tomorrow and pick your fucking dress. Everything else is being dealt with. I won’t need you tonight, so you can go and be by yourself till tomorrow,” he snapped and walked away without saying another word. 

Great, now you felt like you were grounded, and all you did was talking with somebody nice to you. You shook your head disapprovingly and headed in a direction you thought might have been your room, but after taking a few turns, you weren’t even sure you were in New York anymore. 

“Hey, what the fuck are you doing here?” You heard from behind you, and before you knew what was happening, somebody pushed you forcibly against the nearest wall, pressing their elbow into your neck. You coughed, surprised, clawing at the man’s forearms and trying to let him loosen the press because it was getting harder and harder to breathe. 

“I said, what the fuck are you doing here?” He yelled into your face, and you tried to tell him, but your voice wouldn’t come out. So, you just stared at him, tears filling your eyes before you heard a loud hey from somewhere behind you two and saw a man with long brown hair running towards you. 

“Sarge, this woman was roaming around here. I think she is a spy,” the man still holding you said to the newly arrived guy, and all you could do was shake your head and tried to make yourself look as non-threatening as possible. Which wasn’t difficult considering you were in no position to be able to even defend yourself had the man decided to crush your trachea. 

“Fucking idiot! That’s the boss’ bride! Let her go, you dickhead,” the man, sarge, growled, and you felt the pressure leaving your body. Which was all it took for you to collapse on the floor and start coughing uncontrollably, gripping your neck in your hands to protect it from any further disturbance. 

“I-I, I didn’t know, Sarge! Don’t tell him. I thought she was some fucking spy. What the hell was she even doing here all alone, huh? It’s not my fucking fault she came sniffing around stuff that is none of her business,” the man tried to defend himself, but from the murderous gaze he received from the sergeant, he wasn’t very successful. 

“Are you ok, Miss? Did he break anything? Is your head spinning? Are you feeling nauseous? Any of this?” He crouched down to your level and extended an arm to you, and you flinched instinctively, not feeling too sure who was your friend here and who wasn’t. So, to play it safe, nobody was your friend, and you’d be scared of them all, forever. Easy business. 

The man saw your reaction and frowned even more but was persistent when he removed your hands from your neck to see an already-forming bruise alongside your throat. 

“You need to talk to me, Y/N. Are you hurting anywhere?” 

You coughed and grimaced because, yes, in fact, you did hurt and that all over the fucking neck and even your head. Which, given the man almost crushed your fucking throat with his elbow, wasn’t that surprising. 

“I’ll be fine. And I wasn’t sniffing around; I was just looking for my room. I thought it might be somewhere here, and I would have asked if I saw anyone. But this place is like a fucking maze, and I was all alone,” you screeched, and the sergeant nodded and helped you to stand up. He was pulling out what looked like a phone, but you stopped him. 

“Don’t call him, please. I’m fine. I just need to get to the room, so I can put some cold water on it, have a drink and go to sleep. Please,” you accentuated and saw the man weighing his options before he put the phone back to his pocket and nodded for you to follow him. 

“I will tell him, just so you know. Steve needs to know about this, and we need to make sure you are introduced to the whole house the first thing in the morning so that this doesn’t happen again. But he needs to know. I will give you a few minutes to take it all in before I do call him, though,” he said with a resolution in his voice, and while you wanted to protest, you saw that it would have been to no avail. So, not saying another word, you let yourself in what was supposed to be your room and took it all in. 

The walls were this very soft grey, which you actually preferred to the cold white you saw a lot all over the house. There was a king-sized bed against the main wall, framed with two bed-side tables and two matching white and gold lamps. There were many pillows on the bed and a plaid, grey and blue, throw as well, making it all feel very homey. You could see a large closet, where you could have easily fit ten times the amount of clothes you owned. The only other thing in the room was a table with a chair and some drawers, where you could picture yourself working and writing. 

However, when you turned around, you saw something that caught your attention. An easel with a little table on wheels, on top of which was a palette where you could see yourself mixing colors left and right. You squealed, but the sound reminded you that you have just been assaulted and that you could admire the room later. 

You took your time in the bathroom, inspecting your neck and hissing here and there when you touched it carefully. You knew the sarge was outside your door, probably counting in his head before he called Steve, and you were actually pretty surprised he wasn’t marching in already. Just when you thought of it, the door to your room flew open, and you heard Steve and the man talking (well, actually, more like yelling at each other).

“Where the fuck is she? I’m going to kill Drax. I swear to fucking God, man. How is it even possible that he does shit like this? They were all supposed to be briefed, for fuck’s sake. Imma have Sam’s ass as well for this. Fuck!” He yelled and kicked into something, which made you frowned, and you rushed out of the bathroom. 

Steve spun around and almost ran towards you, cradling your face in his hands carefully and lifting your head so that he could have a clear view of the injuries. He was swearing under his breath, but you couldn’t help it and stare at him, wide-eyed. He was actually careful with you, sweet even as he took it all in, and when he was sure you wouldn’t die right there, he took a step back from you. 

“Are you ok?” He asked after a moment, and all you could was just nod and stand there awkwardly, scratching your arms behind your back. 

“Will you be able to find your room easier next time?” 

“No, we took too many turns. But I won’t leave this room till morning anyway, and I will learn to stay out of the way very quickly, I promise,” you rushed to say, not really wanting to meet any of his crew alone again. 

“You can’t be scared walking around here, honey. I will show you around right now, and I have already called an emergency meeting, and I want you there. This can never happen again,” he said gravely, and you understood this was probably his way of apologizing for something that wasn’t really all his fault. Well, he didn’t have to storm off and leave you there, nor did he have to scare Clint away, who was ready to show you to your room in the first place. 

“Is it necessary, Steve? If I’m quite honest, I don’t feel too comfortable leaving the room right now,” you quipped, but Steve wasn’t listening anymore. He just grabbed your hand and pulled you towards the door. Weirdly, you felt a little better having the skin-on-skin contact with him because, at least now, nobody would be stupid enough to attack you. 

You tried to remember the way and took in the details that would make you not lose your trail again, such as the red vase on one of the tables in the corner that looked just like the corner two minutes ago, but the vase was something you could remember, so you took a mental note of that and other little things that would serve for your safety, obviously. Because when Steve told you people would want you dead, you sort of didn’t expect those people would be in the house with you. 

You walked through the spacious kitchen and the adjacent dining room to find yourself in what looked like a meeting room, with around 20 men gathered and scattered all over the room. 

When Steve finally stopped, he let go of your hand, but he instinctively reached for you and pulled you against his side. You looked at him in slight disbelief again but didn’t say anything as he stared in front of himself till the room was as quiet as a freaking church during a sermon. 

“Let me make this very quick: however lays as much as a fucking finger on Y/N here, I will kill you, and I won’t give a fuck who you are. You were briefed that I’m getting married to the woman I want, and because somebody wasn’t paying attention to the fucking briefing, evidently, my fiancé is now sporting a black neck, which she will have to cover for our wedding. Drax, you and I will speak tomorrow, I was ready to kill you, but I’m a reasonable man, so I will sleep and think of your punishment then. Now, any questions?” He asked threateningly, and you knew even if somebody did have a question, nobody would dare to ask it now. 

And just as you predicted, the room was as quiet as before, and Steve waved his hand so that everybody was dismissed and they could breathe again. Just not in his presence. 

“Sam, you stay here,” Steve added when he saw one of his closest men leaving the room as well. 

“I will deal with him, Steve. I don’t know how that could have happened, but it won’t ever again, I promise. If it does, you can have my head, man,” the bulky man said and smiled warmly at you. 

“By the way, hi, I’m Sam. I’m like the muscles here, you know? So, if you need to pick something up, I’m your guy,” he said with a wink, and you chuckled but took his hand to shake it. 

“Nice to meet you, Sam, and I will remember that, thank you.” 

“Alright, now, we have all the pleasantries behind us, you can go back to your room and go to sleep. And Y/N, if anybody as much as looks at you the wrong way, you tell me, ok? This marriage might not be a genuine one, but none of these assholes knows that or should care about that. They should protect you just like they protect me, and I don’t care what they say. I can’t have my fucking wife scared to walk these halls,” he was still frowning as he was saying all this to you, but you could see he was much more relaxed than when all the men were in the room. These two, the sergeant whose name you still didn’t know, and Sam, were obviously close to Steve because despite the winks Sam gave to you, Steve didn’t make a scene, nor did he give you the pointed looks when others were around. Still, you were on thin ice, and there was too much drama for one day for you to try and challenge him in any way. 

“Ay ay, Captain,” you chuckled, and the corner of Steve’s mouth actually moved a little, so you took that as a good sign. 

“Alright, I will try and get back to my room and call it a day because tomorrow is an important day! So, nice to meet you, gentlemen, and I will see you soon, I guess,” you waved at them awkwardly, and Sam waved back enthusiastically as you left the men to themselves. 

“She is actually quite nice,” Sam summarized, and winked at Bucky, who just rolled his eyes at him in annoyance, having just enough of Sam’s antics for one day. 

“Yeah, yeah, she actually is, when she’s not talking back and challenging every fucking thing I say,” Steve complained, and it was a turn for both men to roll their eyes at their best friend. 

“Oh yeah, because you love when they’re meek and quiet, we forgot. C’mon, man, somebody fucking choked her today, and she was still standing here with her head held high, keeping it together like a fucking pro. I say she is perfect for you,” Sam said defensively when he saw the murderous stare from his friend/boss. 

Good thing Sam didn’t see you in your room because as soon as you closed the door behind yourself, the tears just streamed down your face, and small sobs left your lips. You were glad the day was over and dreaded what the next day would bring. 

Next Chapter >

Tags will be in reblogs. 

If you like my work, please consider leaving a feedback, it does drive us writers and content creators to be better! Thank you x

[harold231]

It wasn't real

Pairing: Bucky x reader

Posted: 04/30/2021

Word count: 2.5k

Warnings: None? Maybe a lil angst just a lel bet.

A/N: I think it might be good? Idk You let me know. But like frfr, don't just give me feedback in your mind, put it into words. Also I apparently have a thing for Bucky in a dotted apron soooo yeah.

FYI: time zone/era is open for interpretation. Bucky never became an avenger/soldat and steve isn't part of this one.

The wind that blew around you was warm and sweet with the scent of freshly bloomed flowers. Perhaps it was an act of kindness from some God trying to distract you from the cold bitterness settling into your bones. Closing your eyes you conjure the very memory that left you so desolate.

The sun snuck it's way through the curtains to illuminate the room, effectively disturbing the sleep that you always seemed to be craving. Waking up is always hassle but whenever you remember that you get to spend your day with the only person who tolerates you and you him, getting out of bed is the easiest thing. Bucky is crazy and the damn boy is never in one spot for to long and he always has something to say, but you can't imagine how boring your days would be if you guys had never met. well technically if your parents had never met.

When you were a child you parents had to move to new york for business and they decided that Brooklyn was the place to be. You had been Bucky's neighbor and the first day you guys moved in his mom had dragged him over with the most delicious angel food cake that he so proudly claimed to have made mostly on his own. He just loved cooking and baking since forever, he would tell you that he just liked experimenting with foods but you knew the truth was that the boy liked to eat and didn't have the patience to wait for his mother to come home.

Only a few years after your family had moved to Brooklyn you and Bucky had already built an unbreakable bond. You guys had found a beautiful cherry tree one day when playing tag and had deemed it to be your's and Bucky's spot. Whenever you had a bad day or needed time away from the world you guys would go to the tree and just pick cherries, in the winter time you and Bucky would lay under the tree and kick the trunk so that the snow would fall from the leaves. It was the place where at only 15 years old bucky swore he would open his own Bakery and to quote him "I'm serving my ma's food my way doll, It's gonna be the next best thing to hit New York."

You were laying on the ground with your hands crossed behind your head looking up at Bucky swinging upside down from a branch when he told you all this. You felt something you had never felt before at that moment, looking up at the wild haired boy who loved to eat, loved his family, and had the most ambition you had ever heard from kids your age. Your heart felt full and your cheeks grew warm as you looked up at the same blue eyes you had know for years now, only this time you notice the way they twinkle in the sunlight and how rosy his lips are. Now 7 years laters you and Bucky were preparing to open the very bakery he promised you he'd open. Banners were beautifully strung along the walls and cute retro china was set out, ready to be filled for opening day. There was no hesitation from you when Bucky had asked you to run the bakery with him, you were excited to spend your days with the person you hoped you would spend the rest of your life with.

At around 6:30 in the morning you had arrived at the bakery but it seemed that Bucky had beat you to it. The smell of fresh angel food cake and cocoa danced up your nose as soon as you opened the door. Closing your eyes you smiled at the memories that it brought back. Moving to the back you grabbed your Disney themed apron and placed your bag and coat in its place before scurrying over to the kitchen while trying (and failing) to tie your apron. There in all his dorkiness was Bucky wiggling around to the chordettes. He knew that you loved the 50's aesthetic so he found a way to incorporate it without going overboard, by adding little trinkets, a jukebox, and even those cute little dining tables. In fact at the moment he was wearing a ruffly red polka dotted apron as he frosted some cupcakes.

Apron tied, you were finally ready to get to work. You walked up to Bucky bumping his hip as you reached for some cupcake pans, "Whatcha doin here so early Buck, we don't open until 12" he looks at you with squinted eyes, "The hell are you doing here so early." "Woah,woah,woah completely unprovoked. I'm just saying cuz' you were the one complaining about the opening time being set at 8. Like damn." Breathing out a huff of air he wipes his forehead with a towel "I'm sorry doll, I'm just super nervous and I couldn't sleep so I came to start baking things. I already frosted the ice cream cakes and I just finished the pies, but I was thinking that maybe we needed some cupcakes too, even though we already baked so many pastries and stuff last night I'm worried it won't be enough."

Setting down the trays you move to hug Bucky from behind holding him close to you. "Buck I know we'll do great your food is too good to pass up on especially when it's free." You place a soft kiss to his shoulder " I promise you'll do great, everything you do is amazing you try your hardest at everything Buck, You've worked your butt off and made mine considerably larger to get here, don't start losing your mind on me now." A cute little laugh from Bucky lets you know that he's hearing you and he isn't so stressed anymore. "I just want this to be perfect ya know?" with your head still against his back you nod, "I just want it to be a special day for my special girl."

You couldn't stop the slight blush that rose to your cheeks or the way that your heart suddenly started beating three times faster. You had also wanted to make him something special which is why you had got here so early. Finally releasing your hold on Bucky you straighten your apron out before gathering everything you need for some red velvet cupcakes. Bucky loved your red velvet cake so you loved making it for him. After hours of mixing, baking, and frosting had passed, you guys were rewarded with a bakery that looked as great as it smelled. "Alright doll, I'm heading out, I gotta go get ready. Meet you back here at 12 , Love ya." He didn't even give you a chance to answer as he ran right out the door. "Love you too."

You had stayed behind just a little while longer as you perfected your secret project. Carefully you added snowflakes to some of the cupcakes because you knew how much he loved snow even if he hated winter, some cats, flowers that reminded you of bucky, and one extra special cupcake. When you finish you decide to clean up a bit more and prepare some drinks for later before heading home to get ready. As soon as you got home you took a shower and did the simplest of make up with a light pink lip. You had decided to wear a dress to match the blossoming flowers that spring had brought. Pink with a yellow lace trim and flowers embroided all over the dress, matching it with some yellow flats.

You had decided that it was a perfect day for a walk so you grabbed a light scarf and slung it over your shoulders, grabbed Bucky's cupcakes, and headed over to the bakery. You felt as if a Hundred pounds had been lifted from your shoulders knowing that Bucky had felt the same way about you. You had decided that you would tell him today with your special cupcakes. As you rounded the corner you felt giddy and you couldn't wipe the smile from your face no matter how hard you tried. As you reached the bakery you saw that a majority of the people had already arrived and you knew that it would put Bucky at ease to see all the people enjoying his food. You stopped at the window, closing your eyes to take a deep breath to prepare yourself to join the celebration.

Opening your eyes you reached for the handle only to stop at the sight on the other side of the door. Bucky stood there arms wrapped around a woman eyes locked on hers as he leaned in for a kiss. It must have all happened in about 30 seconds but it felt as if time himself had slowed it down for you to watch the way he tilted her head and ran his tongue along her bottom lip before finally uniting their lips. Your heart dropped as quickly as your smile did and suddenly you felt so stupid for thinking this could be real. You willed yourself not to cry as you allowed your legs to carry you anywhere but there.

That's how you found yourself sitting underneath a blossoming cherry tree. A tree that held only happy memories because it wasn't a place you could be sad... back then. With your back against the tree and box of cupcakes full of unrequited love in your lap you realize how much you over romanticized Bucky. Opening the box you decide it would be a shame to let them go to waste. The first one you grab has a big red heart frosted in the middle, you let out a deep sigh before breaking the cupcake right down the middle. You shove half of the cupcake into your mouth and only then do you allow the tears to fall. You sat there for hours crying eating cupcakes, watching the sunset, and thinking about everything that Bucky did for you, as a friend. You realize you had no right to be angry at Bucky, after all you never told him how you felt you just assumed that he would feel the same way after so many years. With every broken memory another cupcake vanished.

He was always there for you, when no one wanted to come to your slumber party Bucky did and he even did all the girly things with you. Painting your nails, doing your hair, watching chick flicks, and pillow fights. once he even asserted that no one could protect you as well as he could, when you had decided to go camping with your friend from class so he insisted on taking you himself. Your friend was most noticeably gay so you had assumed he wanted to spend time alone with you. But now that you think back on those memories these are things that anyone would do for their bestfriend. And that's what you realized 8 hours and 11 cupcakes later.

The moon floated above you and as it's white rays settled upon the lake you decided it might be time to go home now. You get up and dust your dress off before leaning down to grab the mostly empty box. Turning around you are stopped again by what's in front of you. Bucky stands there brows furrowed as his eyes flash from you to the box in your hands. "Where the hell have you been, I've been calling you all day." swallowing the lump in your throat you go to answer but are interrupted. " everyone's been asking me about you all night and I had no damn idea what to tell them, but apparently you were just out here being inconsiderate. You go and tell me I can do great tonight, that you'd be there for me, but you weren't." You try to answer him but are again interrupted. "You could have told me something earlier instead of leaving me there like a dumb-" "SHUT UP!" this time it was your turn to interrupt him.

Taking a deep breath you look into his eyes before explaining. "Of course I was ready to be there today, you think I wore this dress to sit under a damn tree? Well I didn't. When I left my apartment I was ready and I was excited, so excited. I couldn't even stop smiling on my way over, but then I got to the shop and I saw-" Immediately you stopped as you realized what you were about to say. He cocked an eyebrow and shook his head slightly as if to say 'Hello?' "You saw what? What did you see that would make you abandon ship just like that?" Shame flushed through your being and you could no longer keep eye contact. "Nothing, you know what, it doesn't even matter. I'm sorry I was being dramatic I should have been an adult and dealt with it on my own time. And I'm sorry I abandoned you all, but the night was about you anyways."

"The night was supposed to be about the both of us so it does matter if you saw something that made you want to leave. Just tell me doll, what did you see?" his voice is soft as he pleads with you. "I saw... well I saw you kissing that lady and I just wanted get away and ended up here okay!?" You said it all in a jumble hoping that he wouldn't be able to understand what you had said. But luck wasn't your friend so of course he did. "So seeing me kiss another person was so gross to you that you had to run away, what the hell? are you 13 again?" You hadn't admitted it outloud yet and it seemed that the dumbass in front of you was going to force it out of you.

Stepping around Bucky you pull your scarf tight around your body as you focus on not crying anymore until you get home. You distract yourself by thinking of all the love you saw in all the little things Bucky did for you. Dancing around the newly furnished bakery body against body as frank sinatra brought you heart to heart, watching rom-coms and ugly crying together, but by the time you get home you force yourself to face the ugly truth. The Love was always in your head. It wasn't real.

A new wave of tears blurred your vision as teardrops fell perfectly to the ground. "It's because I have feelings for you Bucky, and I now know you don't feel the same way." Sniffling you don't bother looking up because your heart is to broken for that right now. "I'm Just gonna need a little bit of time and I'll be back good as new like nothing even happened." Still unable to lift your gaze from the ground you decide to focus on the last cupcake left in the box. 'I Love You' is written in tiny light blue frosting letters. "I uhm, uhh." That brought your attention to Bucky, as embarrassment pulsed as strong as ever through your veins. " You don't have to say anything Buck, It's fine, I'll see you next week, on monday" you hand him the box as you go to pass him "I think you would have a better use for this than me I ate 11 others already so."

Divider credits: @firefly-graphics

[jaskicr]

reverse au BUT canon universe geralt and jaskier are sent to an alternate universe where their roles are reversed but they remember their canon lives

ft. bamf jaskier and blushy geralt

canon universe geralt and jaskier touch a weird artefact and they’re sent to an alternate universe where jaskier is a witcher and geralt is human

(this is established relationship)

so they grow up without memories of their past (???) selves but they get vague impressions/dreams that tell them something’s not right

they regain their full memories they’re 15/16 ish

jaskier is born first. he’s sent to kaer morhen and goes through the training and the trials to become a witcher (he gets extra mutations bc i said so, im a sucker for witcher!jaskier with white hair and cat eyes ok)

he remembers his life as a bard when he’s 16, not long before he sets out on the path

and he realises that geralt isn’t with him in kaer morhen - he’s in the cohort geralt would have been, he’s friends with eskel and all that, but geralt isn’t here

and jaskier thinks that whatever happened, geralt must be dead

it hurts, as he walks around kaer morhen, knowing that geralt should be there, knowing that, in another life, geralt had walked within the same walls

but jaskier still holds out hope, returning to kaer morhen every winter and hoping that someone like geralt would show up

but geralt never does, and on his travels, jaskier asks mages and researches to find a way to reverse whatever was done, but he can’t

after maybe 2 decades, jaskier gives up and properly mourns the witcher he had known, who doesn’t exist here

once, he tries picking up the lute, but it hurts too much. it reminds him of what he’s lost, reminds him that geralt isn’t here

he puts down the lute and picks up his swords. he doesn’t touch the lute after that

something like blaviken still happens but maybe in a different way bc it’s jaskier

a few decades after jaskier is born, geralt is born into a noble family

from a young age, he’s unnervingly good at sword fighting and combat, and he enjoys it, but something draws him to music

at first geralt isn’t very good at it, but there’s an inexplicable urge within him that tells him to continue, a quiet yearning for melody and music that makes him want to be good at it

so he goes to oxenfurt, and that’s when he remembers being a witcher once, remembers the path, remembers jaskier

and he searched desperately for jaskier. he scours the campus, asking professors and students, searching the faculty and alumni

but no one has heard of jaskier

and geralt knows that there’s no way that jaskier wouldn’t have gone to oxenfurt - the only reason jaskier isn’t here, isn’t in whatever universe this is, is because he’s dead

geralt vows to live in jaskier’s memory, and he takes up the lute

he misses jaskier’s singing, misses his songs. so he learns the lute, learns to sing, so that there’s always a part of jaskier with him

when geralt graduates from oxenfurt, he sets out on the road

in a fit of nostalgia, he travels to posada, something bittersweet and wistful rising within him

unbeknownst to geralt, jaskier is heading to posada as well, tracking a contract

they unknowingly end up in the same tavern

at this point, jaskier has learnt to tune out bards. it hurts too much to remember what he’ll never have, so he doesn’t register the bard that’s playing right now

geralt is playing when he spots a dark figure in the corner, black armour and swords marking him out as a witcher

it’s all too familiar, and a tentative hope blooms in geralt’s heart

maybe -

he makes his way over, heart hammering, and says the words etched deep into his memory

‘i love the way you just.. sit in the corner and brood’

and geralt’s heart is in his throat, hoping and hoping and hoping for the right response

and jaskier hears a familiar voice saying words he had said, a lifetime ago

jaskier raises his head and sees a familiar face, a face he knows as well as his own despite the different hair and eyes and stature, and his heart stutters

it can’t be. but it is. and jaskier just knows.

geralt almost cries when unnaturally bright blue eyes with slitted pupils rise to meet his, set in a familiar face marked by a long scar and framed by silver hair

‘i’m here to drink alone’

it’s this familiar exchange, repeated but reversed, that lets them know that the other remembers, that they’re here

and for the first time since they woke up in this different world, they feel complete

they bask in the moment, drinking each other in, because they’ve found each other, and even if they’re different, even if everything is different, they’re together

geralt slides into the seat opposite jaskier, and it’s so, so familiar, but so different

‘i thought you were dead,’ geralt whispers

jaskier smiles, a small and sad thing, but he reaches over and grabs geralt’s hand. their callouses are reversed, now. jaskier’s hands are rough from the grips of his swords, and geralt’s fingers are padded from years of playing the lute

‘me too,’ jaskier confesses softly. then his smile turns slightly more playful. ‘i didn’t think you’d have red hair and green eyes. you look good.’

then geralt ducks his head and blushes under his freckles (yes he has freckles it’s hella adorable ok) and jaskier is fascinated bc he’s never seen geralt blush

(and he!! has freckles!!!)

‘this suits you,’ geralt mumbles, still blushing. he peeks out from under his lashes and jaskier sort of melts. ‘the hair and the eyes, i mean.’

and, well. jaskier had been insecure about his mutations that mark him as something other, something inhuman, but hearing geralt’s acceptance of him...

jaskier squeezes geralt’s hand, still in awe that he’s here, he’s real. they’re here, together. ‘i missed you.’

geralt beams, and jaskier‘s heart warms at how easily geralt seems to smile now. ‘i missed you too.’

the elves happen pretty much the same way apart from the fact that geralt and jaskier expecting it

and when geralt follows jaskier, neither of them object to it

they try to find out what happened to them, but all they’ve figured out is that their lives have been reversed, and no one else seems to be affected

so they travel the continent together trying to find an explanation or a cure

they try to return to the place where they found the artefact, but they only find a patch of dirt

jaskier brings geralt to kaer morhen

they ask vesemir about their situation (and geralt aches at the fact that his old mentor doesn’t know him), but he has no idea

eskel and lambert look at geralt with no recognition, and it hurts

but they take to geralt easily, and in no time, it’s almost like they’re back in their own world

they find yen earlier than they do in canon. she’s hostile at first, not knowing why they’re seeking her out, but when she hears their story she’s intrigued and promises to try and find a cure

in the meantime they try to settle into the new lives and new dynamic

they both have two lifetimes in their heads, two whole lives that are theirs, that they’ve lived

of course, they’re not the same people, shaped by new experiences as well as old

geralt is more open, more affectionate, more vocal with his thoughts and feelings. he smiles more, and he’s less gruff with others, though he still isn’t completely comfortable in social interactions

jaskier is a bit quieter, a result of his witcher upbringing. he’s still mostly open about his emotions, and being around geralt makes him smile and chatter liked he used to, but there’s a hypervigilance in him borne out of his witcher training, something lethal and deadly

they learn about each other again, finding new things to love and explore

now, geralt is the one who plays in taverns, and jaskier is the one who takes contracts

geralt still retains the skills and memories of his training as a witcher. though he lacks the enhanced strength, he can still fight, and jaskier gets some lightweight swords for him

geralt helps out on contracts sometimes, when he’s confident that he won’t get hurt. jaskier is reluctant at first, but concedes that geralt should be able to hold his own against weaker monsters

that’s when geralt realises that witcher!jaskier is a huge bamf and also very buff (buff jaskier rights!!!) and geralt really shouldn’t like it as much as he does

jaskier also looks unfairly good in armour with his swords in his hands

and now he understands why jaskier used to be obsessed about his black eyes after taking a potion, because HNNNG

with geralt by his side, jaskier doesn’t mind playing the lute again. it doesn’t hurt like it used to, with geralt by his side once more

geralt lends jaskier his lute and jaskier plucks out tentative notes on the strings, before he launches into one of his songs

jaskier’s voice is rough and untrained, lacking the oxenfurt training he used to have as a bard, but it’s pleasant and sweet, and geralt joins in, their voices twining together in a lovely duet

jaskier doesn’t join geralt when he sings in taverns, fearful of how humans would react, but on the road, they sometimes sing together, and it’s unexpectedly nice

(maybe jaskier gets a glamour at some point, and the continent discovers that the famed bard geralt occasionally gains a partner)

as a witcher, geralt had been unable to lash out at the people who’d insulted him and attacked him

but now, he’s human, and watching jaskier’s shoulders slump as humans spit vitriol at him, well, geralt gets to be feral now

he’s far more dangerous than jaskier had been as a bard. sure, bard jaskier was feral, but he lacked the skills that geralt remembers from his time as a witcher

the humans don’t stand a chance against geralt, and jaskier is the one hauling geralt out of fights now, and many taverns witness a white-haired witcher dragging his redheaded bard out as he yanks him into a fierce kiss

they’re both very soft and very gone on one another. geralt is far more tactile now and jaskier does not mind. they cuddle a lot and jaskier is the big spoon

they’re both openly affectionate, there’s a lot of soft hand holding and hair braiding and casual touches and like. they’re just soft, ok?

jaskier makes it his mission to make geralt blush as much as possible, because it’s adorable

(he also discovers how far down that blush goes, and geralt gets to witness jaskier’s witcher strength and stamina)

they make it work. jaskier gets insecure sometimes, knowing that his features are unnatural and scarred and nothing like what he’d looked like as a bard

but geralt reassures him, telling him that he’s beautiful no matter what

sometimes, geralt hates his own human frailty, how weak he is without his enhanced strength and how easily he gets hurt

but jaskier shows him everything he loves about geralt’s human body, telling him how happy he is that geralt gets to live a life without the suffering of a witcher

and the longer they’re together and the more they get to know each other all over again, they become less sure whether they want a cure or not

geralt likes being a human bard. humans don’t hate him anymore, and he likes being a bard more than he thought he would

but he knows that jaskier is, by nature, someone who loves people. and watching jaskier be rejected by prejudiced humans makes geralt’s heart hurt, because jaskier loves people so fucking much, and now he’s hated by them

but jaskier doesn’t mind being a witcher either. he can help people now, even if they’re ungrateful. there’s a deep satisfaction as he slays monsters terrorising innocents, and like this, he also gets to protect geralt

(not that geralt needs protecting, but still, it’s nice. and geralt has realised that he quite likes jaskier swooping in to save him aka picking him up in his arms)

and jaskier sees how free and easy and open this geralt is, unburdened by decades of hatred and conflict, and he wants this for geralt, wants geralt to know the happiness of a human life without being hated by the very people he helps

both of them like the lives they lead now, and they don’t know if they want to go back. but their old life is the original world, and they still wonder if they should go back

idk how it ends - either they somehow find a cure and return to canon universe with a whole load of new experiences, or they never find a cure and they learn to live in this new world

or maybe they do find a cure and decide that they’ll stay in this world because they’ve learnt to accept and love each other even with the changes, and it’s their world now

there’s a fic for this now!

[felassan]

Extended thoughts on the Dark Fortress preview pages [spoilers at link]

(Would I be an MJ if I did not do this? This post is under a cut due to spoilers.)

I like the preview pages a lot, I’m excited for release - roll on March 31. There’s a lot packed into just these limited pages, so I’m looking forwards to seeing the issue and its contents in their entirety. 

A flashback to the Battle of Ostagar all those years ago is the last thing I was expecting when coming to this comic and it hit me with a one-two of feelings and nostalgia. Up there just off-screen, the Hero of Ferelden and Alistair have just lit the beacon in the Tower of Ishal. In these panels, the rain, the lighting, the atmosphere - it’s surreal (not in a bad way) seeing these fateful events again, back where it all kinda began really, and that page does a good job of replicating that cutscene and the heavy feel of it in a different medium. It’s a nice touch seeing surprise/unsureness and even conflict on some of the soldiers’ faces as Loghain gives the order to retreat. A couple of them even seen disconcerted as they walk away (looking at one another in askance). I like this take on Ser Cauthrien, and I wonder if Aaron ever encountered Aveline, Wynne, Carver or non-mage Hawke at Ostagar before the battle...?

Loghain’s words “He must do what his honor compels him to do” almost feel like a bit of metacommentary, i.e. on Loghain’s character in addition to obviously being about Ser Aaron.

In-universe before now, there have been varying accounts of Ser Aaron’s experience at Ostagar. Did he miss the fight, did he kill two ogres, etc. Now we see the truth of the matter is exactly as he told Vaea, which speaks of the trust and close relationship between the two. I’m not going to lie, the “I am coming my king” and subsequent panels make me cry on this re-read. Aaron reaching out for Cailan in his sleep with his other fist clenched, jerking awake from a nightmare in a cold sweat.. Aaron is so brave, he was the sole or one of the few soldiers in Loghain’s company to make this kind of stand (and you can see that there was a moment when he did turn to leave and considered it before turning back), and these panels convey the extent of the trauma that he experienced on the field of battle that day. I’m positive that in panel 2 here, it’s the exact moment when he sees Cailan die. It also hurts to think that not far from there, Duncan is seeing the same thing. They’ve done a good job integrating the new characters’ pasts with previous canon events with things like these. It’s like, expanding on things, but without anything conflicting.

When Aaron reaches for his alcohol skin I’m pretty sure his hand is shaking. Vaea is so tender and understanding/supportive at this part and it’s a really poignant and soft moment for them.. Aaron’s nightmares are a regular occurrence it seems. I love her and their relationship so much.. keeping watch over him while he sleeps a bit away from the others and the fire. ;; Also Autumn’s ears here, she’s lying down but still listening to what’s going on with and between her people. ;;

Brief pause here: I always appreciate getting a good sense where different events are taking place in the additional media. Also we now have in-universe confirmation that in the timeline we’ve now reached 9:45, as opposed to only external word-of-god. Do you guys ever think about your Wardens and how it’s been 15 years for them?

Aaron is like a father to Vaea 😭

Fenris has two daggers now in addition to his twohanded sword. The better for ending Danarius’ bloodline my dear 🔪

Have they tweaked Fenris’ hairstyle a bit, compared to Blue Wraith? Possibly also his skintone and eyebrows, compared to Blue Wraith? (I find this kind of thing hard to tell. If I’m incorrect here please feel free to correct me.) He looks good in this preview.

Poor Francesca. Tessa is really kind at this part and it’s nice to see more moments like these between female characters (women supporting one another). It reminds me of the moment in a previous issue where Vaea hugs Francesca on the ground. Tessa makes a great point here that true strength isn’t necessarily being stoic and unemotional, it’s standing up for what you believe in and for the greater good, even at great personal cost. It’s not 'not crying' and hiding your sadness. That’s a nice message, and again, Fran has really grown on me.

I also think it speaks well of Fenris and his character development after all these years in-universe that he was looking for a way to help Aaron, then immediately thought to go speak to Francesca when she was upset to see if he could help her in turn.

hhh brooding silent Marius staring broodily and silently into the flames and not responding to Fenris’ attempt at making conversation tho, the gentle lampshading..  That’s so true to his character. These might be my favorite panels in the whole preview. Fenris’ dry wit and facial expressions, the general composition, Fenris peacing out like “ok bye ig” lmao. You also get the sense that Fenris is reeling a bit and feeling abandoned since Hawke and co split up. After trying to do something to help both Aaron and Fran above, he then tries to make conversation with Marius. He’s trying to lighten the mood but also to connect after being alone for some time. He has missed having a group around him, and I suspect this group with its varying troubles and issues reminds him a lot of Hawke and co. That both the humor aspect and this characterization comes through in these 3 panels is pretty brilliant.

We reach the titular dark fortress! If ever there was a fortress for a bad guy, huh? x) The narrow exposed causeway being the only approach is a smart line of defense, strategically. Also, the realization that this is where Fenris lived while he was a slave of Danarius’ :| It’s a horrible-looking place and will be full of bad memories for him.

If this is how stormy the Nocen Sea gets in places - well, it reminds me of the lore that in Thedas naval exploration beyond the known map has been historically limited by different factors like pirates, Qunari dreadnoughts, stormy seas and sea creatures etc.

Characters speaking their native languages in places is always a nice touch. Now we’ve heard “By the Maker!” in Orlesian.

Aspects of the style and architecture of the Tevinter buildings in this preview, like the window shapes and the red lights and stuff, echo or remind me of what we’ve seen of Minrathous in the most recent trailer and some of the recent pieces of concept art for the next game. Neat.

We have our name and identity for the mage on the cover! Tractus Danarius, bastard son of Danarius. Danarius fucked around huh. “Tractus” has a Latin root, fittingly for a Tevinter name. Its different meanings are quite interesting: being dragged, extracted, plundered, an anthem sung in some masses, an elongated area or abnormal passage... I wonder if one of them will come into play somehow, the name possibly having been chosen for a reason? I also wonder how young Tractus is relative to Fenris, and if their paths have ever crossed in the past.

Tractus makes his entrance with two elven slaves or servants in tow. Like on the cover, his eyes are red. The head of his staff is a red sphere, also. Can we assume a connection to red lyrium, then, given these factors and the villains’ interest in using red lyrium to power the sarcophagus? I would guess that as normal magic was required to make it work with blue lyrium, the thing required to make it work with red lyrium is blood magic? A blood magic ritual. My guess is that the thing Tractus shows Marquette and Nenealeus is probably a chained up dragon or similar, which they plan to sacrifice and use the blood/power derived from that to fuel the magic/ritual. This is considering blood as a theme in this setting, blood as a source of power mechanically and the dragon-like beast on one of the covers which has clearly at one point been shackled and collared. (Here’s some previous speculation about Dark Fortress based on the covers.)

Although Tractus’ relative youth and inexperience compared to Nenealeus comes across in these pages, I get the feeling that Nenealeus will regret talking down in this manner to Tractus later in the comic.

It seems Tractus paints his nails dark. His commitment to aesthetic I give 5/5 stars

Remember the fall of Ventus/Qarinus to the Antaam invasion in TN? The Antaam must be progressing through Tevinter if people fear that Neromenian may soon fall also.

I appreciate that everyone’s horse is different! It’s a nice touch. A lot of the time in media groups of people ride identical horses like they’re clones or automatons as opposed to actual creatures.

Tractus’ smile when he’s asking if they’re going to wait for Qintara to arrive is slightly manic, lol, he’s giving off “Are we there yet?” car journey energy here. The doorway in this panel - is that a portcullis-style door? It seems like it has spikes at the bottom which would sink into the floor, and that there’s some kind of mechanism running along the floor towards it. Presumably to contain the [dragon?]?

I forgot Nenealeus has a sword - I guess then he knows magic artforms similar to those of a Knight-Enchanter or Arcane Warrior. Also here, Marquette echoes the Executor in TN, with the sentiment that Qintara fell with Ventus. Nenealeus is then referencing Gaius, the impersonator Qintara, right? That’s interesting; Gaius’ true master was Fen’Harel, on whose behalf he accessed important information about the world. This means then [?] that some of the time when Gaius believed himself to be working on behalf of Fen’Harel, he was really being manipulated by Nenealeus. Poor Gaius, at different points Fen’Harel and Nenealeus were pulling his strings. Does Nenealeus’ manipulation refer to Gaius trading it away to House Danarius for information?

Marquette references the red lyrium idol, and suddenly my Dragon Age 4 ears are pricking the way Autumn’s do. x) He mentions that it makes weapons, referencing I assume Meredith’s lyrium sword, Certainty and the ritual blade that pops out from the base of the idol during The Dread Wolf Take You. I wonder when the events of this comic take place in relation to the stories related at the spy meeting in TDWTY? Is this before or after the events of the Mortalitasi’s tale? At any rate, Marquette voices something we’ve been obsessing over: what else can and does the idol do specifically, beyond just making weapons and being Ominous and Powerful? Because whatever it is, it’s key to Solas’ ongoing plans, and Solas obviously knows.

So it seems that the villains’ plan is to use the red lyrium idol’s sword part with the sarcophagus, red lyrium, a ritual and [the thing Tractus shows them in that panel - the dragon?] in order to transform Shirallas into, essentially, a Red Wraith, a Red Lyrium Fenris. And then to arm him, under Nenealeus’ control, with the sword.

Does Shirallas still have his vallaslin - is it just the lighting and the angle in that panel? Also, that panel with Shirallas and Nenealeus looks so ominous and foreboding 😭 .. (and reminds me somehow of Fenris and Danarius when Fenris was still his slave and bodyguard) Shirallas, we really are in it now 😭 This is a really cool panel btw, like the composition, the lighting, the dramatic-ness. 

Nenealeus is motivated by a desire to route the Antaam from Tevinter (like the mage in the Mortalitasi’s tale in TDWTY) and reconquer lost lands in order to restore the glory of the Imperium (which reminds me in a way of of Aurelian Titus, who also wanted to restore the Imperium to greatness). Classically Tevinter here.

“Danarius the Lesser” is a sick burn. I’d guess Tractus’ life thus far, as a bastard, has had themes and struggles with inferiority and consequent lack of power but desire for it (being disrespected, but craving respect, being connected to a certain world but not really part of it, in fact rejected by it). Venatori connection confirmed. That the Venatori had to be convinced to accept someone as a Danarius - implications for the role of the Venatori remnants and their role in Tevinter and things in general going forwards? Lightning flashes overhead as Tractus and Nenealeus have this face-off in that panel, emphasizing the tension between the two. I wonder what the magic in the fortress and in the courtyard can do? It’d have been no mean feat to escape from this place as a slave, it seems, especially bearing in mind there’s only one proper way out, that causeway (passage not included). Tractus’ staff-head lights up when he’s making a threat (uh-oh), and then wow! Shirallas moves so quickly, in the blink of an eye suddenly appearing out of nowhere and startling the guard-mage onlookers. He’s fast and formidable.

I wonder about Tractus. Is he a “half blood” because he’s a bastard and his mother wasn’t an Altus, or even wasn’t a mage, or because he’s a bastard and his mother was an elf? Or both?

Will we see a face-off between perrepataes (Marius and Shirallas)? Will Marius face-off against his former master, Nenealeus? Perhaps a showdown between the Blue Wraith and the “Red Wraith” is on the cards?

Back to our team in the tavern! There’s a looot of great character content packed into these pages, which is really cool. Each brief character interaction conveys a lot, and in general this sequence is just well-executed imo. How troubled and tired Aaron looks at the bar (my heart.. it hurts); Fran worrying for Aaron; Vaea knowing that she can’t pressure him too much because that’s just not how it works when it comes to folks who struggle with issues like these; Vaea asking after Fran’s wellbeing; Fran struggling to come to terms with what happened to her father; Fenris watching the door waiting for news (he’s so vigilant isn’t he? safety, an escape-route..); Marius Broods Harder; Vaea’s [relative] pacifism being highlighted; Vaea engaging Marius looking for reassurance; and the choice of having Marius break his silence now is meaningful and impactful in that it shows what happens when one becomes ‘numb’ to the constant murderizing of people, so to speak. Fenris then rightfully points out that becoming numb to killing and violence isn’t really a good thing and is worse, really, than being ‘soft’ or uncomfortable with it. I wonder if he’s speaking from experience here, given the hundreds of people Hawke and co kill their way through during the Kirkwall years, for example. Then Vaea’s concern for Aaron and his state of mind, and Fenris’ uncanny insight into that, of a man he’s only recently met.

Tessa looks so cute when she comes in the door! I love Vaea’s lil “:D” face when she sees her, and I wonder what the tavern food on the table is.

Those two panels, when Fenris talks about Hawke and Leandra, are the biggest emotional gut-punch in the preview pages 😭 omg.. I’m not strong enough for this.. bls... bruh... This is then compounded by (hitting me when I’m down!!) the look of sheer... fear, fury, alarm, upset, shock - that appears on Fenris’ face as soon as he hears “I found Danarius”. Seriously, look at his eyes here. He (understandably) still has a trauma-response associated with the name/man.

Bless Tessa. 

I have to say, it’s very Metal of Fenris that not only did he kill Danarius in DA2 (in those universes), but he has also been going around Tevinter since then killing all of Danarius’ [adult] heirs, and that his response to learning there’s still one remaining is to grab his sword and go to march off with the aim of ending the bloodline a second time. Very metal

I love the final panels in the preview as well! Vaea’s sense/smarts and how she wasn’t afraid to tell Fenris no, Autumn’s giant ears, how Autumn also moves with Vaea to step in front of Fenris to stop him (SHE! HELPED!!!), Autumn’s Happy Face and furiously wagging tail and agreement with Aaron, and Proud Dad Aaron rising from his slump to praise Vaea with the most Proudest Daddest expression that you ever did see...  ( ´•̥̥̥ω•̥̥̥` )

[achliegh]

Grounded

Okay SO I really like Leo, I resonate with him as a character and his personality is like mine yet he is actually a good person. I don’t really know how to write happy, lovey-Dovey shit it makes me very uncomfortable and I just can’t. SO imma make this boy suffer but its just me projecting okay. Sorry Leo I Love you. Please read at your own risk, this is not an easy angst and can trigger people. Most of this is me venting through my own struggles in life and how I have handled them.

CW/TW: Food, Past Abusive relationship, Anxiety, Depression, Panic Attack, past age difference relationship (Illegal)

Characters belong to @lumosinlove

Besides Luka, I made him up, don’t care for him tho

Coming off the ice with everyone was unusual to say the least, every normal day Leo would stay and practice with Kasey and their goalie coach. The Goalie Coach was sick and so was all their family. So today Leo and Kasey got off early and were able to shower and mess around with the other guys. Leo was so excited to drive home with his boys, he couldn’t stop smiling.

After a cool down, a shower and a few towel snaps to his ass from a rambuncis Kuny and James, they were walking out of the locker room to the players lounge. A “ding” came from Leo's phone and he went to look but stopped dead in his tracks when he saw coach Arthur talking to someone who looked very familiar. They were laughing at something Coach said, his boys looked back to him and Logan raised an eyebrow as Finn followed Leo's gaze.

“Shit” Leo went to move his hands to grab his hair but forgot his phone was in his hand and dropped it. His phone landed loudly on the floor making everyone look at him, but the only person he saw was Luka. Luka was Leo’s Ex-Boyfriend, they started dating when Leo was only 15 and Luka was 19, he used Leo as a toy! He made him do things he didn’t want to and act in a way that was cruel and he hurt him, in more ways than one. And… Leo thought he loved him. Looking back on everything he realized that this wasn’t a healthy relationship but it was his first real relationship.

“Leo?” Luka was staring at him surprised for a moment then an evil smirk started to slowly spread across his face. He was stupidly gorgeous and that was how he tricked people into relationships. His sharp brown eyes, his light hair practically white from bleach with his dark eyebrows, his giant muscular arms covered in tattoos and one of those just happen to be a Leo constellation. Leo was gonna be sick.

He could feel himself holding his breath practically waiting for something to cause him to crash. He knew his eyes were panicked so he decided to go complete goalie, no emotion, just nothing. He picked up his phone dusting it off and looked at his boys. Logan was concerned and Finn was just outright confused.

“You two know each other?” Finn asked when Leo finally met his eye, he had never mentioned anything about this guy or shown them pictures like he did with all his other friends back home. Yeah there were very few friends back home but maybe he only had a few friends! Finn never thought that Leo would have hid a whole person from them. Finn looked back at this man and saw this smirk, it was almost seductive and he was looking Leo up and down as if he was this guy's next meal. Then it clicked, this had to be an ex or maybe a one night stand, they knew Leo had the most sexual experience so it was plausible. But why Hide him?

Logan stepped towards Leo not having noticed Luka at all and put a hand on his forearm. Leo full on flinched away and so did Logan. Logan had seen Leo have panic attacks and knew when he needed contact and when he needed to be alone based on his mental state. Looking into his boyfriend's eyes, he needed to be alone. He turned and looked at Finn who was analysing the new guy so he grabbed Leo's hand slowly and started leading him out the door and towards the car. This caught Finn's attention and he followed them as they all silently got into the car.

Leo had completely shut down; he couldn’t think, speak, breath, or really do anything without feeling like he was 15 again. He shut everything out and put in his airpods turning his music up as loud as he could so no one could ask him questions. He gripped his sweatpants through his pockets where he stuffed his hands to keep from fidgeting and closed his eyes.

Finn reached for Logan's hand and squeezed it looking back at their boyfriend and then back at him. “I think that guy and Leo have a past.”

“From Leo's reaction I can guess that it wasn’t a good past.”

“Should we try to talk to him about this or should we wait until he talks to us?” Finn started the car and started driving back to the apartment but the only thing on his mind were the millions of questions slamming around. “What did you think about that guy?” he pulled into the parking garage and was looking for a spot.

“I wasn’t really paying attention to him. I was trying to figure out how I should approach Leo in a way that wouldn’t send him spiraling.” he sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose as Finn pulls into a parking spot. Leo was out the door so fast and he took the stairs up to the apartment instead of the elevator. The two left in the vehicle looked at each other for a second then both got out and ran after their boy. When they finally got to the apartment the door was still open and they could hear reaching sounds from the hallway bathroom.

Panicked Finn closed the door after them and grabbed a water bottle from the kitchen as Logan ran into the bathroom. Logan knelt next to Leo who had his arms crossed over the seat of the toilet with his forehead resting on his forearms. He was shaking in small tremors as everything, all the memories all the hurt came flooding back to him at once. Logan tried to set a comforting hand on his back.

Leo scrambled away wiping his mouth fitting his giant body into the small space between the toilet and the bathtub, curling in on himself raising his hands to block his face. “Don’t touch me! Don’t hurt me!” he started sobbing covering his face with his hands as Logan and Finn watched with their hearts hurting.

Both of them were wondering what happened to Leo to cause this. This level of fear wasn’t caused by a bad break up or a terrible one night stand. This was intense and made both of them sick with sadness. After about an hour Leo finally started calming down and the boys never left his side but also gave him space.

“Leo, baby it's Finn.” He came further into the bathroom from where he was standing in the doorway. He took the cap off the water bottle and was holding it out to Leo not wanting to trigger Leo again. Leo looked out from behind his hands at him and his heart broke with Leo's wide scared eyes being the brightest blue he’d ever seen, even with a puffy face and red rimmed eyes Leo still tugged at Finn's heart in a good way. It almost made him feel guilty because Leo was struggling right now. “ Can you drink some of this for me please?” He held the water a little closer to him and Leo took it, shakily, he took a chug big enough to empty half the bottle.

Just from that one drink Leo started to feel queasy all over again, still breathing hard but slowly coming back to himself, he needed to hear and feel his boys to ground him. He reached for Finn, dropping the water bottle and having it spill on the ground as he pulled himself out of his small space and into Finn's arms, gripping him like a lifesaver in the middle of the ocean. “Please say something, anything, I don’t care” He looked up to logan from over finns shoulder and reached for him as well.

“Why don’t we go get changed and get into bed mon coeur?” Logan grabbed his hand and was looking right into Leo’s soul, he felt himself nod because he was going to start crying again because of how much love he was slowly remembering he had. They stood him up slowly, he didn’t realize it but they must have flushed the toilet during his panic because he only saw clean now. They took him out of his clothes and laid him in bed in just his underwear, as requested, Skin on skin was needed right now. They crawled into bed, Leo rested his head on Finn's shoulder intertwining their hands as Logan laid his head on his chest. “We love you mon soleil” Logan would whisper to him over and over.

“We love you forever” Finn would run his thumb over Leo's hand and whisper into his hair.

Leo decided that these two lovely boys needed to know what happened and Leo needed to let them know for their own safety. He had been talking to Heather about this stuff for the year he was with the lions but it never felt like enough. He knew the boys had noticed his odd behavior, jumping when the phone rang or a door slammed too hard, anyone raising their voice around him (especially those two), and always apologizing as soon as one of them looked slightly annoyed.

“His name was Luka, the guy Arthur was talking to. He’s my Ex and…” he trailed off his hand that was tracing patterns on Logans back stilling as he swallowed the lump in his throat. “He has done a lot of bad things to me, I mean we started dating when he was 19, he is four years older than me. So, I felt like I needed to do everything he said I mean I was just a kid! I lost my virginity to him! I would do anything he told me to, whether it was something I was comfortable with or not. He.. he would threaten or hit me if I didn’t do what he said. I learned to do everything he said and momma was so scared for me but I was an idiot and believed I could handle myself. She never saw the bruises but she knew something was happening. I-I couldn’t take it anymore and I ran away from him one night and he said he would always know where I am and whose in my life and I never wanted anyone to feel trapped with me so that was the other reason why I never watched to get attached to anyone at all when I got drafted even though it was a year after I left him. Seeing him today-” everything came spilling out like he couldn’t stop and he was crying again with sobs wracking his body as his boys clung to him in a desperate plea to prove he was safe.

“Leo, we will always be there for you no matter what. We will protect you.” Logan was talking in a slow soothing voice as he wiped away his tears and kissed his forehead. “Nothing changes the way we love you” Finn was squeezing his hand and had tears pricking his own eyes as everything Leo spilled to them was just setting into his mind. HIS Leo was treated that way by a man the same age as he is. Finn couldn’t imagine treating anyone like that.

“We don’t make you feel trapped, do we? I mean we are the same age as him, but I want you to know that I could never hurt you like that Leo, I can’t even think about something like that happening to you.” A few tears fall as he wraps his free arm around both his boys holding tightly.

"I'm so happy you told us Peanut" Logan saw the tiniest smile at the pet name. "I won't ever let him touch you again! If we ever make you feel like that in any way please tell us"

“You could never make me feel that, I feel the safest I have in a long time with you two. You keep me grounded.”

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket, Se03. ep 5,(part 1)

In part 1 of this post, more than analyzing, I want to understand few confusing things first. I’m not annoyed or angry, I’m just confused & trying to piece things together, so, kindly don’t feel off with my usage of  (!!!) & (???). lol. I’ll ONLY discuss two things here that confuse me a lot. ( Real ep review/ analysis will be in part 2)

1- Momiji’s romantic love for tohru (the real love triangle). What?!!!!!

I’m so shocked that momiji loves tohru romantically! So, in order to understand ( where did this come from!!) I re-visited his scenes with tohru since se01 & trying to see if I missed anything! Below is my speculations:

Is it love at first sight?!!! When Momiji first met tohru he kissed her on the cheek. I’ve always thought lightly that in the eyes of the reserved Japanese (bowing is greeting), all Europeans (kissing on the check is greeting). hence, Momiji’s kiss, he’s half Europea. However, perhaps it is a Kureno/ Arisa type of love at 1st sight/kiss?! kureno nearly kissed Arisa on the lips on their 1st official meeting. But Kureno/Arisa kiss was meant to be romantic/sexual with adult kureno’s “ I wanted to taste her lips”. but Momiji’s is a peak on the cheek & he was a child, so... I don’t think he’s struck by love before he’s officially introduced to us the audience.

Is it gradual growing love like kyo’s ? in all Momiji/ tohru eps, he always just wanted to play with her, visit places & spend time together.  (hot spring & beach vacation) are his own ideas. But momiji didn’t want tohru exclusively. He intentionally invited both yuki & kyo to the hot spring & even was begging kyo to come. He invited all zodiacs to the beach & wanted all to spend time together. I believe that the hot spring ep especially showed momiji as this playful, innocent & naive kid, wanting to share tohru’s females’ hot spring section. I don’t think momiji was madly in love at that time. He was a child going “ waaaa~, kyo hit me” &  jumping here & there. 

So, summer vacation? but then again, Momiji slept with the children & tohru doted on them all. He defended tohru but they all defend her & love her. he said to kyo that he “selfishly wanted to be with tohru” but I didn’t  catch any romantic hints from that. Was it really that time?? they all wanted to spend time with tohru. Yuki said “ I’ll kidnap you”, kyo agreed to go to the beach right away, kisa was glued to her to the point of annoying hiro! So, when? & why not let us as the audience know abt momiji’s feelings.

Is it related to opening up to tohru abt his family issues? He confessed to tohru abt his dad, mom & momo. She cried for him & hugged him. I never got the feeling in all those scenes that he was in love! it seemed to me like friendship love similar to hana’s/Arisa’s or siblings love substituting his nonexistent relationship with momo.

Is it just me?? I always saw momiji as this baby in toddler clothes, jumping, laughing & a ray of sunshine! A child but with the most mature heart & mind. Tohru didn’t help momiji, he was already helping himself first & reaching healthy conclusions abt how he should deal with his own traumas. So, perhaps (Me) not seeing him as a teenager stopped me from seeing his romantic love? but they showed me hiro/kisa’s love. Elementary school kids! so?

Regardless of when he fell in love or how, the point is, this is heart-breathtakingly tragic! cuz (a) tohru never saw him more than a child at first, then as a precious friend, (b) she’s intensely in love with kyo, which brings us to tohru’s core issues. (Tohru loosing yet another loved one). Tohru’s own issues aren’t fully explored yet, but her love for kyo has been blatantly hammered to us since se01 finale! this is because kyo being locked in the cat room equals (death) which parallels her mom’s (death). Tohru will be living her tragic trauma again but this time, kyo replacing kyoko! Thus, giving tohru a room for growth & character development.Tohru’s intense love for kyo was shown in by the drastic change in her attitude in se01, ep.24, chasing firmly after him even when he pushed her & refusing to let go until he’s back home cuz she wants to! then yuki blatantly saying “ she loves him, too, the way she looks at him“  im se02, ep22 & “don’t worry, tohru, he won’t accept (the other girls confession)” in se02, ep 17 & all her scenes with kyo in that ep where she’s scared he’ll let go of her & other scenes throughout the 3 seasons.

...so why momiji’s impossible & unrequited love is introduced?

I believe it is to push kyo to not let go of tohru. To throw kyo into this internal conflict between selflessly letting go of tohru so she could be happy (like hatori did with kana) & selfishly wanting her to be his lover ( like haru). Kyo himself expressed these two conflicting thoughts in se02, ep, 9 “ I hoped we could always be together somewhere  far off (selfish love) & “ I don’t want to take anything from you (selfless love). So, momiji is challenging kyo in a way making him realize that selfish love might not be bad afterall & selfless love could be harmful! cleverly reversing the two concepts. So, I get why this love triangle was introduced. but whyyyy momiji! T_T.. choose someone else, Writer-San! poor Momiji we learned abt his love the same ep we learned it hopeless & he can’t pursue! T_T. couldn’t you at least put the two scenes far away, so I get time to grieve his broken heart! T_T.

2- Yuki/Machi ( Yuki is in a such hurry!!!!)

You could use the analogy of yuki’s starting the story as a (baby/child) taken cared by his mother (tohru) who taught him to be a person (all se01), Yuki took this knowledge  as a (kid/teenager) & formed friendship on his own with (kakeru) in (se02). it is not after yuki became a true equal friend to kakeru, chocking him & equally teasing him, that Machi was allowed to talk abt her self as a real character with agency & thoughts (se02, ep24), now yuki must be a (teenager/Man) & fall romantically in love, hence (se03, eps 2 & 3). All this is amazing. So, I kinda expected the following:

yuki won’t take as long as kyo in confessing/ realizing romantic love since he/machi don’t have a shared baggage nor obstacles from the past.

 he won’t be as fast as haru’s “ i love you/ kiss/ make love”. But then again, Haru & Isuzu have already known each other for years & are already in love, they just put a name to their desires & went on with it.

So, yuki should be in the middle, noticing, knowing abt the person, crushing, then realizing love & wanting a future together! Cuz yuki is this type of person who values taking time thinking thoroughly, right??

I’m confused as yuki wanted to confess the curse & to be with machi romantically right after the machi background scene? I know not everything should be on-screen & him falling slowly in love could be off-screen...  the flower is a yuki/machi “ noticing her stage”, her fighting with him over the red leaf is “ noticing him stage” for her. but there’s only ONE intimate scene of them together! Her raw tears when he comforted her in her flat (the chalk scene is bonus). but.. I never expected that yuki is planning to confess his curse & feelings this early!!!!!! yuki! are you SURE she loves you? ( I mean we the audience know 100%) but how is HE sure?? yuki going this big stage so soon felt a bit un-yuki. but then agin, perhaps that’s part of the new changed confident yuki? I duno, I mean Machi was never given a proper time to prosper, but yuki was always given all the time there is to explore his feelings & even other ppl’s feelings! He’s there in kyo/tohru ‘s story to tells the audience they’re in love, he’s there in Isuzu/ haru to mend their gap. I mean yeah there gotta be more scenes abt them for sure, we’re in ep 5, but I never expected a the intruppted confession now & this soon!

perhaps it’s just me, again?! Maye I’m so invested in yuki & accustomed to him always taking time that I kinda expected more before he’s thinking of confessing. I really thought that confessing his curse/love is yuki/machi’s own story climax compared to kyo/tohru’s story climax with kyoko & Isuzu/Haru story climax after breakup, oh well. I’m positive we’ll see more of yuki’s journey with machi as yuki is rarely absent in any eps. More scenes to come!

That’s the end of my headache! XD. I apologize for giving you headache if you were kind enough to read all this. kindly, don’t spoil future scenes or sub-plots to me. I’m just expressing my shock at how fast the plot moved! just few eps ago, I was watching motoko love journey that survived 3 seasons! Hands down Motoko wins in furuba! XD. Jokes aside, Can I say we’re officially where “the plot thickens?” Is it going down? This ep felt like a bullet train!

Side Notes:

I never liked the “children in deep love theme” that hiro has as children shouldn’t suffer the romantic pining & suffering as teenagers & adult ppl,  so, I really appreciated that Momimi altho was 15 when we 1st saw him, lived his childhood without the “oh my! I’m so in love~ pining~ suffer”.

The story introduced ( momoiji in romantic love) the same ep Momiji got tall, so making it as sth he expressed once he hit puberty like most boys his age. He even said it “ I’m a man now”, which is again sth boys feel once they get taller & experience other feelings.

Momiji never catches a break! T_T. My son is denied the types of love he wants (parental love, sibling love & now romantic love! ).

I don’t picture momiji/tohru together as a couple cuz it wasn’t built that way in the story & most of their moments weren’t romantic/sexual tension. to me it was the ultimate friendship!

I wish my son finds love on-screen! If Moyoko/Nao gets on-screen love, give my boy on-screen love, too!

Nah~ forget that~ I’m just sad for my son, I don’t want to see him paired with any character quickly to compensate him not having tohru. This is not doing momiji justice. So, I get the ED art of him with Momo.

If kyo has someone who loves him one-sidedly (Kagura), tohru now has someone who love her one-sidedly (momiji).

The kagura/kyo confrontation was heart breaking, but it had to happen cuz kyo knew she loved him & had to stop her. I hope Momiji never confesses to tohru, I wouldn’t be able to survive seeing tohru turn him down.Tohru & momiji are just too kind for such sad situation.

So, does this mean that the two characters with unrequited love are Kagura & momiji? they’re the only characters with no romantic partner in the ED.

Hana is without a lover in the ED, too! XD. Thank God! I love her crush on kazuma, cuz hello~ who won’t crush on this hunk! & teenage girls can crush on grown up men rather than boys (I know I did, but it was just my girlish crush). I’m thankful it is just a crush & teasing kyo tactics & not true romance! don’t give me another Arisa/Kureno, plz. lol.

[sonic-me-baby]

Why I didn’t like Loki Season 1

MAJOR SPOILERS FOR ALL EPISODES

With a series titled ‘Loki’, one would assume that we would get a deep dive into the character of Loki to better understand his motivations, traumas and backstory. Look at Wandavision - despite its failings it really told the story of Wanda and how she deals with her trauma WHILE advancing the plot. Falcon and Winter Soldier wasn’t as good but at least, we see how Falcon and Bucky deal with the aftermath and there is some growth.

I thought that Loki was on the right track in episode 1 when Loki watched himself die and reflect a little more on himself and ‘glorious purpose’. In fact, the whole set up with the TVA seemed like an amazing premise to allow Loki to rediscover himself and forge a new path for himself - an interesting prospect when we consider the tension between what he desires and the lack of free will in the TVA.

Unfortunately, what we got instead was 1 episode of Loki admitting he is a narcissist and has daddy issues, another where he comes out as bisexual before immediately falling for a female (and note, female instead of non binary which I find to be an odd choice) version of himself. The writers must think that this is such a good idea, he is such a narcissist the only person he can fall for is himself. Except, that doesn’t seem right to me, how quickly Loki’s character development shifts from admitting to being lonely and traumatised to falling incredibly quickly for himself. Even if this were the writer’s choice, it was poorly executed with so many ‘romance’ heavy scenes pushed in our faces (e.g Loki talking about ruling the universe together, giving Sylvie a blanket or the sexy eyes literally every moment he sees her) Why? It was not convincing at all that he fell for her mere hours after meeting her. Sylvie’s lukewarm reactions towards Loki makes this all the more unfounded. Even as an enemy to lovers trope this failed - where are the moments of real tension and the slow burn where they discover feelings for each other? My problem is that Sylvie and Loki are so much like each other that it isn’t the fertile land for this push and pull - in fact their differences (Sylvie wanting to destroy the TVA, Loki wanting ??) seems manufactured and unconvincing. What exactly draws them together? 

Aside from this very lengthy point, what disappointed me further was how the focus on Sylvie and Loki as a couple very much derailed and distracted from the actual plot in the last 3 episodes. On that note, the pacing made absolutely no sense. As a 6 hour movie sure, but to reveal the main villain in the last episode (whom we have no emotional or character driven connection to) and to drop a bomb that this whole series was basically made to open the multiverse made me feel cheated. So this series WASN’T about Loki it was about advancing the plot. Sure, the loose ends, edgy concept is bold but narratively, Marvel is going to leave fans just wondering about all the other characters without any epilogue or even cut scene? Like the previous serieses, the finale was a total letdown. 

Cinematographically, it looked like they just ran out of money - just Kang, Loki and Sylvie in a room talking for more than 30 minutes. How? So much exposition, it’s lazy writing in my opinion. They need to explain sure, but NOT in the final episode. I mean literally telling us about Kang’s experience of the multiverse war is an example of Telling not Showing, it adds no stakes to the plot. So, I’m supposed to listen to this guy talk and just automatically understand why he created the TVA? Especially coming from such an amazing episode with all the Lokis meeting each other and creating such an interesting world we have this?? No, absolutely not. Sylvie kissing Loki in the last 10 minutes just to backstab him after setting up that Loki was so in love with her the past 3 episodes? Absolutely not. Overall, my main issue is not so much that Sylvie and Loki start to ‘fall’ for each other, but rather, how quickly all character motivations and objectives become linked to this romance. 

Instead, I would argue that Loki as a character has not been fully and adequately developed as a character to be involved in ANY romantic relationship and I wonder why they included it. The whole story would have worked without the romantic undertones. Loki himself hasn’t grown enough as an individual to warrant whatever they put him through in this series. It just puzzles me that they chose to add romance at all. Not only was the Loki character unsatisfactorily developed at the end of the series, the other characters such as renslayer, mobius and even b-15 all lack adequate character growth. What happens after the ending? Why would you leave fans just waiting for more than a year to come back to this world. It really feels like they threw us in the water to drown.  I am most disappointed in renslayer - WHY is she so compliant to the TVA? Why does she do what she does? What is her internal drive and motivation? Mobius is slightly more developed but it seemed like they just threw the TVA characters away in the last episode. 

Finally, I think that the writers did Sylvie dirty. I do not understand why she was written this way - if you think about it no growth was achieved except that she killed kang and the multiverse. My problem with this is that it seems that her main purpose was plot - she is simply there to be romanced so she can betray loki and wreak havoc into the world. We needed to see more of her. You compare classic loki, he didn't have much screen time but narratively I understood, he has reached the end of his life and the touch of him finding his glorious purpose was so simple yet effective. With such a beautiful end for old Loki, it is so sad that our Loki once again ends up alone, yet again. 

Overall, I feel disappointed in the series because

1. Loki didn’t grow as a character, what we know about him now seems added in so that disney looks more LGBT+ friendly 

2. The dominance of Sylvie and Loki subplot which became a main plot and added nothing to the story

3. Horrible pacing

4. Inadequate development of characters

There are many things I loved about this series too such as the introduction of Loki variants (hella cool), the concept and design of the TVA and also multiverses! However, as a series titled ‘Loki’, it left much to be desired. Who and why Loki does what he does still doesn't make sense to me. Worse yet, the only lesson he learnt through this series is that no matter who gets close to him, Loki will still end up alone. 

[prayedtoyou]

elevator confessions

Destiel // 1.6k words // general audiences // mentions of past canon MCD

i was inspired by this adorable fanart by @kamicom because it kinda looks like they’re in an elevator and i just had to write something. i know it’s an older fanart, but i just saw it for the first time ever yesterday and i absolutely adore it and i think we could all use a little love confession and some fluff. so, without further adieu ~

“How did you know Amanda Lay?”

The girl—Emily, Dean remembers—hands him and Cas a couple cups of coffee. It’s early morning and smells like the rain they drove through on the ride here the night before. The windows of her high rise Seattle apartment are all open and a soft breeze rustles a magazine on the coffee table, moves the floor-length curtains. The apartment is stunning in a shabby chic sort of way, full of floral designs and soft throw blankets. It’s not really Dean’s taste, but it’s spotless. Dean wonders if she’s been cleaning through her sadness.

“We went to grad school together.” She takes a seat in the white armchair across from the couch Dean and Cas are sat on. Her face is expressionless but her eyes are swollen. Dean’s seen it plenty of times before; people repress their grief around other people in the aftermath of a death so no one can see them falling apart. Dean’s been there himself more times than he’d like to remember. “We met in the food court between classes and clicked right away. We started living together a year after we met.” She looks from Dean to Cas and back to Dean. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think I had to talk to the cops about this, I wasn’t there.”

“The FBI takes things a little more seriously and we have to run our own investigation,” Dean explains. He takes a sip of his coffee and flips open his notepad. “I know this must be very difficult for you, but we appreciate any information you can give us.”

“The FBI is involved in a . . . bear attack?”

“Killers are very creative nowadays, Ms. Maxwell,” Dean continues quickly when he sees Cas’s mouth open up. He told Cas not to talk too much, since he was never really all that great at undercover work. “We have reason to believe that a person may have done this with their own makeshift claws.”

Dean knew there was no delicate way to put that, but he didn’t have to recite the words like they were out of a script. That’s the downside of having so much experience, sometimes you forget that other people care more than you do.

Emily’s stoic expression holds while she processes Dean’s words, but it breaks down slowly, and then, all all at once, she begins to shake under waves of sobbing. Her hands come up to cover her face as the gasping and wailing fill the otherwise composed apartment. Cas looks at Dean, clearly uncomfortable and unsure of what to do.

“Who would do that?” she shrieks, looking between Dean and Cas with tears streaming down her face, hands in fists on her knees. “To another person? To Amanda? Why would they do that to her? She didn’t do anything wrong!”

Dean opens his mouth to offer some sort of rehearsed condolence, but abandons the idea when she wraps her arms around her middle and bows her head over her lap, the crying continuing. She looks like she’s about to be sick.

Cas leans over and whispers, “Dean, what’s happening?”

It takes everything in him not to roll his eyes. “She just lost her friend, Agent Kossoff. She’s sad.”

“She wasn’t just my friend!” Emily blurts around a hiccup, pulling herself up enough to cast her angry red eyes at them. “I was in love with her! She was the love of my life and I never—” hic “—I never—” hic “—told her!”

Understanding floods through Dean. It hits painfully close to home, but he doesn’t have the time to think about it. He pushes the box of tissues on the table closer to her, hoping that’s what she needs right now. He watches as she takes one to mop up her tears and then another to loudly blow her nose. She’s an absolute wreck. A flash of a memory—knuckles against a back door, carrying a body inside, burning his best friend—knocks a little breath out of him. He pushes it away.

“I was going to tell her on her birthday,” she blubbers quietly, sobs subsiding. “I had this big plan with flowers and wine and some rom-coms. She never really liked parties, so I thought it could just be the two of us, and I could talk to her about it. But at the last minute she said she wanted to go hiking with her sister. I told her to be safe and call me if she had signal, but the next time I saw her was on the news.”

Dean pulls a few pages of his notepad back and finds a name. “Her sister, Kelsey, said that it happened while Amanda was out looking for some water, but Kelsey wasn’t attacked. Was there anyone who would have ever wanted to hurt Amanda?”

Emily shakes her head. “Amanda was the kindest person I’ve ever met. She was a veterinarian, for crying out loud, all she wanted to do was take care of animals and volunteer at the soup kitchen and paint. Everyone loved her.”

Dean nods, scratching a few words on his notepad. He glances at Cas who’s already looking at him, but quickly looks away. 

There isn’t much else she could tell them and Dean’s sure that she would rather be alone to cope with her loss than continue to be questioned by strangers, so he stands and Cas follows suit. He hands her a card. “We appreciate your time, Emily. If you think of anything else, please don’t hesitate to call.”

She takes the card with a nod and nothing else. Dean and Cas let themselves out and press the button for the elevator. It’s quiet between them as they wait for the car. Dean worries his lip, thinking about the times he lost Cas and regretted not telling him.

He should tell him. Before it’s really too late. Cas could die tomorrow—hell, he could die today on this case—and he’d never know.

Maybe Amanda knew and she went hiking because she was too afraid to deal with it. Maybe she thought avoiding Emily would make it feel less like breaking her heart. Maybe Cas knows, too. Maybe that’s why he never seems to stick around longer than a week or two at a time.

The elevator doors open for them and they step inside. Cas isn’t looking at Dean, more concerned with wringing his hands together like he’s nervous. Dean’s never seen him do that before; he looks so human doing it.

He should tell him. Cas is human now, so he’s vulnerable. The elevator cords could snap and they could fall 15 floors to their death. Someone could hit them on the drive back to the motel and crush them against the side of a building. Lightning could strike, a 10th story potted plant could fall, a dog could maul one of them and it’d all be over. He should tell him.

Dean Winchester has never been rumored to be a coward, not since he spent decades hunting monsters and staring Death in the face and fighting God himself. But this is different. This is scary—putting it all on the line to risk losing one of the most important people in his life. Still, he should tell him.

It’s just not the right time. Which is a problem, because it’s never the right time. He could have told him when he first started having these feelings, when they were new and confusing, but how could he explain something he didn’t even understand? He could have told him when he was planning on blowing up Amara and himself, but what would be the point in admitting his feelings when he was just about to die? He could have told him when Cas came back from the Empty, all shiny and new and lost, but there was too much else going on to worry about emotions. He could have told him in purgatory, both times, he could have told him in the hushed hours of the night when he knew Cas was watching over him, he could have told him, he should have told him, he should tell him, he—

“Dean?”

Cas’s voice startles him out of his internal argument. Cas is still distressing his hands and his gaze is zeroed in on the floor.

“Hm?” he replies.

Cas doesn’t say anything for a few seconds. He said Dean’s name so quietly he’s starting to wonder if he even said it at all.

“I . . .” Dean hears Cas audibly swallow and take a deep breath. “I love you.”

Dean’s brain short circuits. Cas didn’t really just say he loved him, did he?

“Hmm,” he hums in response. What does one even say to that? Yeah, I love you too and I have for years but I was too much of a pussy to say anything. And maybe also, Did you just have the same internal monologue as me and beat me to the punch? Perhaps with a side of, Was I even going to take that punch or just continue to repress my feelings for another ten years?

None of those things come out. Instead, he does what he does best and Dean Winchesters his way through it. He wraps an arm around Cas’s neck like it’s no big deal and pulls him in close enough to press a long kiss to his cheekbone. Cas is stiff for a moment, then relaxes and worms an arm around Dean’s waist.

“I love you, too,” Dean says against Cas’s skin.

Cas turns to face him and Dean turns at the same time and their mouths find each other without preamble.

When the elevator opens to the lobby, they walk out to the car like that, wrapped around each other, and then they hold hands in Baby, and then they meet up with Sam at the motel with smiles and breakfast sandwiches. Sam doesn’t say anything, but Dean thinks he knows. And that’s enough for now.

tags under the cut!

@joharvell | @good-things-do-happen-dean | @curly-cue-scamp | @queenvee08 | @cottondean | @flowersforcas | @letsgobethegoodguys | @sorrycas | @randomlikes24 | @hallowedbecastiel | @vought | @wanderingcas | ~ pls let me know if you’d like to be added to or removed from the list!

[obsidian-aurora]

Why I feel so sad for Xiao Zhan for winning the Weibo King award again in 2021

Right now you might see a lot of people spreading the fact that Xiao Zhan won Weibo King again with joy and happiness.  I can only personally feel sadness and regret.  Because when I look back at the year 2020, and what Xiao Zhan went through, Weibo had a big part to play in that story.  They took advantage of his pain to make money and profit from it.  They did little to stop what was happening because to them it was traffic.

His fans who left the 85 million votes for him for Weibo King probably weren’t thinking about what Weibo means to Xiao Zhan.  They weren’t thinking about how Xiao Zhan disengaged from the platform completely, moving his small interactions over to Oasis and Douyin to escape the toxicity inherent in the conversations taking place on Weibo.  All that they were thinking was “We want to show him how much we love him!”

Well you know what I think is love?  Listening to your own idol’s words.

Let’s take a small journey back through 2020 and listen to Xiao Zhan’s own words on what he wanted his fans to do this year.

I won’t rehash 227 itself - if you want my take on that event, then I’ll write another blog post about that, it being almost a year I’m probably finally reaching a point where I can discuss it rationally without bursting into tears remembering my own personal experience with it.  But rather, let’s take a look at what happened after 227.

On March 1, Xiao Zhan studio issued their first official statement.  What did they say?

Recently, we have noticed some controversies about Xiao Zhan fans, occupying some social public resources, and also causing trouble to everyone. We deeply regret and apologize for the impact of this incident. We are very grateful to all fans for their support and love to Xiao Zhan. At the same time, we also sincerely call on all love to be positive, and hope that everyone can chase stars rationally. While doing a good job of self-protection during the epidemic, we will work together in a more positive way and support things that bring positive energy to society.

On April 24, Xiao Zhan said something and his studio reposted.

@X玖少年团肖战DAYTOY What’s past is past, I’ll remember it by heart.  Thank you for all the criticism with good intensions, I’m working hard to improve.   

Xiao Zhan Studio April 25th 00:03 #肖战新歌光点# The light spot moves towards love. Please listen, @X玖少年团小战DAYTOY 's voice. ♥

And again, Xiao Zhan studio.

Xiao Zhan Studio April 25th at 14:27 Thank you for your love and support for Mr. Xiao Zhan and his works. In this studio, as always, I solemnly appeal to everyone to continue to take care of their study, work and life at the same time, and to distinguish the truth and not blindly follow in the thousands of voices. Thank you for your wise support. Every love, no matter how big or small, is a meaningful point of light, gathered together to form the most beautiful light.

When He Jiong was attacked, Xiao Zhan jumped in to say:

@X玖少年团肖战DAYTOY Sorry to disturb everyone, don't hurt others!

Xiao Zhan Studio April 27, 15:04 Please stop slandering and spreading rumors!

He gave his first interview after 227 on May 6.  He expanded upon the statement he made on April 24 when he said he was working hard to improve. He spoke about the controversy, the responsibility he feels as a public figure, and his desire not to control his fans but to guide them to do positive works like participate in charity that improves society.  He felt like as an artist, his role was to continue to improve his acting and his singing.  

“As for the people who love and support me, I hope they won’t do some extreme things, or hurt other people, or even hurt themselves.  I hope that they can protect and love themselves, and live their lives well.  Live their lives well.”  “And if it’s possible, outside of school and work, we can do things together to help others and contribute to society in a meaningful way.”  “I think charity is a part of an ordinary person’s social responsibility.”

Again in May, following a controversy when a teacher recorded her classroom cheering him on, Xiao Zhan was forced to make statements encouraging his fans to live their lives well.

@X玖少年团肖战DAYTOY Please listen to me carefully again! I hope everyone puts their studies, work, and life in front of star chasing. Study hard and work hard. Do your responsibilities and obligations, and abide by professional standards and industry bottom lines. I don't need help.

Xiao Zhan Studio May 10 at 23:26 I hope everyone puts their work and life first 🙏

Xiao Zhan Studio May 11 at 21:14 Starting from us, we hope that each of us can do things that are beneficial to society and be positive.

A school is a temple of knowledge, a place for preaching and teaching, not a fan factory for celebrities. Children's education is related to the future of the country, and the development of youth values is related to the hope of the nation, and it must not become a tool for chasing stars.

Furthermore, over the course of this time period Xiao Zhan Studio met with the organizers of his official fan organization and they rebranded the Fanclub to Xiao Zhan Film and Television Support Club to emphasize their goal to focus on his works and his works only.  They released a statement with their intent and called on all members to do the following:

Xiao Zhan Studio May 15 20:01 If you see the good, you will move, and if you have, you will change. Start with me and work hard together. 1. Do not support business and works with behaviors beyond our own economic capacity. 2. No more activities such as ranking, controlling and appraising and cheering. 3. Accept all well-intentioned criticism and don't maliciously attack others. 4. Continue to actively participate in public welfare advocacy. 5. Focus on Xiao Zhan's work such as film and music.

Take particular note here of the specific call out not to participate in activities such as ranking (like the Weibo King votes).

In July, when his own fans were accused of cyber bullying others again, Xiao Zhan studio released a statement saying that they would defend any victim of cyber bullying, even someone bullied by his own fans.

Xiao Zhan Studio June 30 at 21:42 No matter who is responsible for his words and deeds, we support all those who are suffering from cyber violence or personal attacks on the Internet, and bravely take up legal weapons to protect themselves. Regardless of who’s a fan, taking legal measures is a legitimate behavior 

@易胜华律师 Recently, some netizens posted on Weibo that they had suffered online violence for publicly publishing criticisms against Mr. Xiao Zhan. Entrusted by Mr. Xiao Zhan, we issued the following lawyer's statement: We welcome all kind criticisms and reminders, and resolutely oppose and resist all cyber violence. No matter who the cyber violence is directed at, it is an illegal act and should bear corresponding legal responsibilities. We are willing to provide legal assistance to the above-mentioned parties who have been violated by online violence, and we are also willing to provide assistance within our capacity for their rights protection operations. Yi Shenghua Lawyer Wang Xiaoyan Lawyer June 30, 2020

In July, Xiao Zhan and Xiao Zhan Studio met up with representatives from Weibo to discuss the cyber bullying that he had been subjected to this year.  But was this at Weibo’s own desire to clean up their platform?  No.  This whole time Weibo was profiting from every hot search that drove more traffic to their platform.  It was the Cyberspace Administration of China that DIRECTED Weibo to clean up their mess.

Over the years we have seen Weibo ban accounts from time to time that are so blatant with their cyber attacks that they have no other choice.  But often they will wait until stars pursue legal action before doing so.  And they will only release the real-world IDs of users when under a police investigation pursuant to a lawsuit.  I’m not suggesting the platform should start doxxing its own users, but rather ban all malicious and slanderous behaviour from the outset.  Right now under Chinese law anyone with over 30,000 fans who says slander against another can be pursued by the law.  Weibo should act before it needs to come to that.

Chinese Star News did an interesting video on Fanquan culture and the ways in which Weibo profits from it.  If you haven’t seen it yet, it’s worth a watch.

Ever since the summer, Xiao Zhan has been very careful and direct in all his public interactions.  Most of his events were pre-recorded.  Only at the end of the year did he start doing live events again, and when he was surrounded by friends he was okay, but as we could see from the recent iQiyi event when he is without friends around him he still struggles.

April 12 - Hymn of the Red Plum Blossom (pre-recorded)

May 6 - Interview with China News Service (pre-recorded)

May 9 - Bamboo in the Stone (pre-recorded)

May 10 - Mother's Day live stream (live) (unannounced) (no fan interactions)

June 11 - Xiao Zhan goes to do agricultural charity activity (pre-recorded)

June 15 - Xiao Zhan releases summer cocktail video (pre-recorded)

Aug 17 - Xiao Zhan RoseOnly live stream (pre-recorded)

October 19 - Xiao Zhan at Shanghai Reading Film and Television event (pre-recorded)

October 25 - Xiao Zhan sang Brightest Star in the Night Skies (pre-recorded)

Dec 20 - Xiao Zhan attends Tencent Awards (live) with friends around him

Dec 31 - Xiao Zhan attends New Year party (live) with friends around him

Jan 15 2021 - Xiao Zhan attends iQiyi Scream Night (no friends) (does not look happy/comfortable)

It must have been SO hard for Xiao Zhan to continue to work behind the scenes in 2020, recording his new show Ace Troops, attending some events in secret, shooting some advertisements that he wasn’t sure would be able to make it to the air - and some events that got leaked and then had his portion cut out.  It must have been so, so hard.

So to me, the least that we can do as fans is to listen to what Xiao Zhan has asked of us.  And over and over again he said that all he wanted from his fans was for us to live our lives well.  To not do extreme things.  He wants things to go smoothly.  He wants to take his time, to choose his events carefully, and come back at his own pace.

So what do his fans do?  They massively vote for him to win the Weibo King award.  This has put him in an impossible position.  

Either he needs to decline the award, and face criticism from everyone about being arrogant in a year that he should be grateful.  Or he has to suck it up and show up to an award hosted by a platform that did little to nothing to help him when he was in pain, and instead in fact profited from his pain.  

He will have to put a smile on his face and say thank you for recognizing that I was a high traffic star last year, even when the majority of his traffic was due to cyber attacks.

Why would his fans put him in this impossible position?  Back when this award was first announced, his own major fan club leaders requested fans not to vote for Weibo King.  If you wanted to vote for anything, then you should vote for his acting role in The Wolf, because that was about his professional work - not for Weibo King, which is literally like an award for Prom King.  It’s a popularity award, nothing more.

Will Weibo King help him to come back faster?  No.  Will it make industry leaders want to sign him on for more TV and film works?  No.  Speaking from experience working in the industry for many years, the only thing that industry professionals care about is ratings on the shows that are produced.  And Xiao Zhan cannot rely on his fans alone for ratings.  If his ratings are going to continue to increase, then he needs to attract the respect of a wider audience.  And if that wider audience is already of the impression that Xiao Zhan is a loose canon because his fans are out of control, this massive over-rating of Weibo King only reinforces that belief.

Just look at this graph.

Xiao Zhan fans are posting it with pride, saying look how well we did!  Xiao Zhan trounced the competition!  But the reality is that all other stars’ fan groups had also instructed their fans not to vote for this award, because they all see it for what it is - a popularity contest that can hurt more than it can help.  Xiao Zhan winning by such a large margin only shows how little his fans listen to him.

Now instead of Xiao Zhan deciding for himself when and where to come back, what events he wishes to attend, he’s going to have to make an appearance at this awards show and slap a smile on his face and say thank you.  

Thank you Weibo, for profiting off my pain.

It makes me sick.

If you voted for Xiao Zhan in this award, take a moment to think about Xiao Zhan’s words for your future behaviour. 

Live your lives well

Don’t do extreme things

Don’t spread rumours

Accept criticism and don’t attack others

Don’t protect me

If you can, do charity and help others

If you are following your own idol’s wishes, then I salute you.  You are the type of fan Xiao Zhan will cherish.

[threeletterslife]

For Everland

→ [2/7] of the Society Series

→ summary: Yoongi is supposed to be your patient. He's not supposed to threaten your so-called relationship with your lifetime partner, Jeon Jungkook. You're not supposed to love him—you shouldn't be able to.

→ pairing/rating: yoongi x reader | PG-15

→ genre: 97% angst, 3% fluff | dystopian!au 

→ warnings: profanity, making out, implied sex, infidelity (kind of?), blood, death, hyperventilation, depictions of a seizure (oc works at a hospital so), mentions of the afterlife, descriptions of getting shots/needles, a character has a missing leg (poor bby)

→ wordcount: 17.7k

→ a/n: this is loosely inspired by the great lois lowry’s the giver. i grew up reading that book omg 😭😭🥺and writing this fic was sO fun bc if i had to choose a dystopian society to live in for the rest of my life, it would HANDS DOWN be this one

cr.

It's over.

Thank goodness, it's over.

It's easily the worst part of the job. The transport room is painfully white and frighteningly silent. The only comfort you have is your ocean linen hand soap that sits loyally on the side of the sink. You pull off your latex gloves slowly, tossing them in the trash and turning on the warm water to wash your hands. The familiar, sea breeze scent punctures the room, soothing your jittery nerves. It seems to warmly congratulate you for orchestrating another successful transport.

Thank god. You won't have to do the procedure for another few weeks.

You make a bee-line toward the hospital closet, quickly shrugging off your spotless lab coat and pulling on your worn-out, fuzzy sweater. Already, you're feeling a bit better just being in your normal clothes. Professional attire makes you feel solemn and serious. You hate it.

But other than having to do the procedure in the transport room quite often, you enjoy your assigned career.

The procedure is only inevitable, you suppose, as you start to walk home from your career unit. Jungkook, your assigned partner, isn't waiting for you today, so he must be at home, making dinner. You begin to fast-walk before you accidentally break curfew a second time—the first time was embarrassing enough.

But to keep your mind busy and away from shutting down due to boredom, you reflect back on the day's work.

It's definitely not easy being a nurse, but you take the job with immense pride. Because without you, no one would be able to get to Everland. When you'd first received your career assignment, the Council had proudly told you that you were the very bridge between the society—Tagna—and Everland. They told you that you should take your assigned career with pride.

Everland. How do you even begin to explain that place? It's a paradise, they say. The Council tells every citizen of Tagna the general idea, but only you're gifted with the details. They told you that the skies are blue and the sun shines brightly but never too much. It is spring all year round in Everland. The land boasts serene nature and lakes that stretch across the grassy lawns. The homes are built from cedar wood and are sturdy against the whispering breezes at night.

Of course, you've never seen Everland for yourself. In fact, the Council makes it very clear that no one who has been to Everland has come back to Tagna. You suppose if you lived in paradise too, you wouldn't want to leave.

Some are transported to Everland earlier in their lives; you've worked with a handful of newborn babies, young children and even teenagers. Others are transported later, after thoroughly experiencing the structured and well-disciplined society of Tagna; there were more adults, grandmothers and grandfathers who you transported to Everland. But in the end, every person in Tagna—yourself included—would earn a chance to visit Everland themselves. It's just a matter of time... and luck.

As a nurse, it's up to you to take care of the patients. You're supposed to talk to them, keep them company, comfort them, be their closest friend—until it's time for them to be transported. The transportation is also part of your job, but the least favorite part for you.

Maybe you hate the procedure and going through with the transport because you get quite attached to your patients—you don't want them to leave. But maybe... and deeper inside you, you hate the procedure because you're jealous.

You can't deny that you want to experience this Everland. You've come close to the paradisiacal land more times than any other citizen of Tagna. But the Council seems to be intent on keeping you in society so you can serve those in need.

Goddamn. Every time you step into that small, white room, every time you put on your latex gloves, you wish it were you, sitting in the hospital bed, instead of your patient.

When your assistant rolls in the medical cart with supplies, you can't help but spend an extra few seconds gazing longingly at the clear serum in the syringe. The sharp, pointed needle glints in the white light, which brings a small, sad smile to your face. That's the serum that puts your patient to sleep—well, physically. Their minds are already flying through dimensions, zipping past other worlds to land in Everland. Their bodies will follow suit later.

It's unsettling though. You hate how the clear liquid disappears through the skin the more you press the pad of your finger on the plunger of the syringe. There is also an unspoken agreement with all the people in the room to stay absolutely silent. The silence is unsettling to you.

Very rarely, your patient has to be strapped into their seat. But it becomes quite obvious when you're tending your patient before the transport whether they'll need a strap. You assume the shot isn't too painful, judging from the majority of the reactions of your patients. But you're not really sure. And it's not your job to know. The Council is extremely strict about assigned careers.

Sometimes, it's unsettling to watch your patient fall asleep. Their eyes begin to flutter rapidly and their limbs become limp, their head lolling to the side. As a tradition, you have to walk towards your patient, your shoes clacking against the white floor. You hold their hand and speak your last goodbyes.

"Remember the lines we rehearsed? The ones we went over every day, honey?" you say every time.

There's always a mixed response from the patients. Sometimes they nod, sometimes they shake their heads. Other times, they don't even answer you—when the serum works too quickly and they're already halfway crossing dimensions in their minds. It usually doesn't matter. You recite the rehearsed line yourself.

"For us and for Everland."

On good days, your patient says the line with you; it's their very last words before they would leave Tagna forever and enter Everland. When their body goes slack and their eyes close, you have to double-check their pulse—for the transportation to Everland is not possible with a beating heart. The injected serum is merely a catalyst that will help your patient transport to Everland. And once the patient's mind is already at Everland, their body will follow, and they will wake up in paradise.

The unsettling feeling does not leave until some of your assistants enter the room to roll your patient's hospital bed away. You always give them a nod of acknowledgment but you never speak to them—just in case any loud noise might disrupt your patient's safe travels.

Every transport procedure drains you. But Jungkook's always waiting for you somewhere, waiting to replenish your energy and shower you with attention. He's always insisting that you take a rest, which, in his language, means to go on a lunch coffee date with him. But you're usually too busy to accept.

You manage to reach your house unit before curfew, opening your door and nearly collapsing on the living room couch.

"Sweetie?" you hear Jungkook calling you from the kitchen. It takes you a moment to realize he's cooking spaghetti, which makes you lift your head gratefully.

"Yeah?" you say.

"Are you tired?" he calls. "I made spaghetti, but I can wrap it up for you so you can have it for breakfast tomorrow if you want to sleep."

"No, no, it's fine," you say, heaving yourself up from the couch and stumbling into the kitchen. "I want to eat dinner with you."

Jungkook smiles brightly. Normally, you leave him to eat his meals by himself. "Did something good happen today?" he asks as he pulls out the chair for you and places two still-hot bowls of spaghetti on the table.

"Not really," you shrug, sitting down and grabbing your fork. "It was normal as work goes."

"How was the transport, then?"

"Routinely," you say, stuffing a forkful of spaghetti in your mouth. "Mm, this is good, Jungkook," you hum, swallowing. Jungkook beams at your compliment. "The patient was a grandmother, and she recited the lasting line with me, so that was good."

"For us and for Everland?"

"Yeah." You nod.

You like it when Jungkook discusses work with you. Because in your opinion, your career units are the only thing the two of you have in common. Which was the whole point of assigned partners, anyway—to match people up according to their career units. The Council says it makes couples more compatible. You're indifferent.

It's silent for the rest of dinner. Jungkook knows you don't like to come home to small talk after doing it for work all day. And you don't find it interesting when Jungkook starts to go off in tangents about the new baseball lineups the Council approved of. You do the dishes while Jungkook clears off the table and cleans the kitchen floor.

The chores are habitual, making you feel almost like a robot as you complete them every day. When the last dish is in the dishwater, you turn to Jungkook, who just came back from taking out the trash. "Jungkook?"

"Yeah, sweetie?"

"Listen, I've been meaning to ask you..." you trail off. Your partner smiles hopefully at you. "Where do you roll my patients off before their bodies are transported? I mean... I guess what I'm asking is, do you get to see Everland? Is there a portal or something that leads there?"

Jungkook sniffles, scrunching his eyebrows in thought. You can tell by the slight crease on his forehead that he's disappointed there's going to be another work-related conversation.

"We're just told to put them in a white sack. Maybe that's the portal you're talking about? I'm not sure where they go, sweetie," he says. "We just do these extra check-ups so we know they're in good condition to transport. Then we set them in another room. I guess someone else does the rest." He pauses. "But I don't think I was supposed to tell you all that. Y/N, you know the details of our assigned careers have to be kept confidential."

You sigh. "Yeah, I know... Still, though. What does it matter? We work in the same career unit. There should be no secrets!"

"I think the Council would have something to say to that," Jungkook says. "I just think you want to see what Everland is like because you've been asking me an awful lot of questions about work," he sulks. "We're partners, Y/N... Can we please act like it? Look at Hoseok next door with his partner. And Namjoon too. They always go on dates, and they're already thinking of signing up for kids from the clinic."

You flinch. Assigned partners, you want to remind Jungkook. But you don't. It's not that you hate Jungkook or despise his presence altogether. It's just that you don't love him. Not as much as he loves you, anyway.

But he's loyal and one of your only friends. And he's not too bad of a company.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," you say, reaching out to place a friendly hand on his. "I just... I've been selfish, I know."

Jungkook takes your hand in his, tugging you into his arms.

"I always feel guilty, you know?" you whisper against his chest. "I make Everland seem like this fairytale place. But I don't even know what it's like."

"It's best to trust what the Council says," Jungkook reassures you. "You're better off trusting them than anyone else, right?"

"You're right."

"It's okay," Jungkook whispers, kissing your forehead before letting you go. "Sooner or later, we'll be transported too. Sometimes in moments that we least expect it."

You hum, detecting the melancholy tinge to his silvery voice. "It's your brother, isn't it? How do you think he's faring in Everland?"

"Junghyun?" Jungkook sighs. "He's probably having the time of his life there... It was just so sudden. I didn't even get to say goodbye to him."

"They leave us in the most mysterious ways," you say. "Too bad we lose contact after their transport. I would've loved to see what it's like there."

"Yeah, me too," Jungkook says. "But I want us to leave for Everland together."

Unlikely, you think. "Me too," you say. "Come on, let's get to bed. I have to stay late tomorrow at work. They're giving me another patient on top of Jimin."

Jungkook groans, his hand searching for yours as the two of you make your way into the bedroom. When he finds your hand, he holds it tightly, almost as if he was afraid you'd fade out of sight at any second. "The Council's overworking you, sweetie."

"Or they just think I'm doing a great job," you say, squeezing his hand. "It's okay. I swear I don't mind. He's a good guy, you know, this Jimin. Deserves to be in Everland. He just needs some emotional boost as they all do. And as for the new patient... I don't know what to expect."

"Well, then," Jungkook says. "Tell this Jimin to say hi to my brother for me when he's there."

"Sure thing."

"Sweetie?"

"Hm?"

"Don't work too hard," Jungkook says. "You need some time to relax."

You giggle. "My career is my relaxation! It's fun to meet these people, to talk to them, you know? Granted, half of them don't understand me, but I dunno... I like the process way more than the procedure itself."

"Yeah, yeah," Jungkook laughs, shaking his head, his hand slipping out of yours. "We should wash up," he says, "before the suppressant makes me drop to the floor snoring."

You laugh along with him, tugging your assigned partner into the bathroom. The nighttime routine in there is as practiced as any other routine in your life. Soon, you and Jungkook are lying in bed, side by side. Just like always.

"Sweetie?" Jungkook murmurs, the suppressant taking a toll on him already. He seems to be barely awake.

"Yeah?"

"Try to get home much before curfew, okay?"

Jungkook had freaked out when the patrollers had found you crossing the streets after curfew. He'd been reminding you about getting home earlier for months now. But you never listen to him. Still: "Of course," you say. "I'm sorry for always making you worry."

When Jungkook doesn't answer, you realize he's already knocked out. You let out a deep sigh, turning over to face the small window in the bedroom. It's dark out tonight, with no moon to light up the bedroom even the slightest bit.

Sometimes, you wonder what it would be like if the suppressant worked on you normally as it did for everyone else.

Out of the thousands of citizens of Tagna, it had to be you to be the victim of immunity to the suppressant.

"Jimin! How are you?" you exclaim, closing the hospital room door behind you as you shake a bag of his favorite chips in your hand. "Look what I got you! I might've been late because of that." You laugh apologetically as Jimin giggles, immobilized on his bed.

"I'm fine, Y/N, thank you. No need to worry." But the man shifts uncomfortably, then lifts the bed covers off of the lower half of his body. "Can you help me up?" He nods towards his missing right leg, giving you a rather frustrated look.

"Yes, of course," you quickly say, taking big steps to help Jimin out of his bed and onto his wheelchair. Though the amputation had been successful—the infection didn't spread to the rest of the body—a missing leg left Jimin often irritated and frustrated. "Where do you want to go today?" you ask him, rubbing his shoulders to comfort him.

The man places a hand on top of yours, looking at you pleadingly. "Outside the hospital...?" he says hopefully.

"Aw, Jimin..." you say, crouching down in front of him to take his hands. "You know we can't do that." He knows, but he asks every day, just in case—as if one day, you'll be waiting for him with a different answer other than no.

"I know," Jimin says, squeezing your hands. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," you tell him. "Do you want your blanket, Jimin? You know, to cover—"

"Yes, please." Nodding, you help the man drape a white cotton blanket over his leg. "I want another look around the hospital before I'm transported."

"Sure!" You adjust Jimin's blanket, securing it so it falls over his missing leg. You and Jimin have a wordless agreement not to talk much about it, and you know how much he likes to have it covered up. Jimin's insecure, embarrassed about a missing limb. Especially when before the amputation, he had been a fit, robust figure, always running around and training. "We'll just roam around the hospital and talk."

Jimin smiles. "That sounds good to me. Let's bring the chips too."

You hand the snack to Jimin, carefully checking the room one last time before rolling the man out into the hospital corridor. It's silent as you wheel Jimin in the direction of the left-wing, where there are full-length windows replacing the usual bland white walls, allowing bright sunlight to flood the corridor. It's the only place that gives the otherwise spotlessly white hospital a golden glow. Jimin likes that spot the best; honestly, so do you.

Once you situate Jimin in front of the windows, making sure he isn't completely in the sun, you sit down next to him. (He doesn't like it when you tower over him.) Jimin looks comfortable in his wheelchair, clutching his now open bag of chips and staring out the window with deep admiration.

"Tell me about Everland, again," he whispers, gazing thoughtfully out of the windows. "Please, Y/N."

The sunlight bounces perfectly off the bridge of Jimin's sloped nose, giving his face of beautiful features a sort of rare radiance.

"Everland?" you hum. "What do you want to hear about it?"

"I don't know... If people like me are welcomed there, I guess," Jimin sighs. His gaze flickers to you. "No one I know and admire knows about my amputation—except you. They won't let me contact my friends or family... They're sending me to paradise early because I'm an embarrassment to Tagna."

"Don't be like that." Sure, you've noticed society's outcasts are usually the ones that are transported—the ones with physical or mental disabilities, or just those older in age. But, of course, that just means that everyone should be transported sooner or later. Or maybe these people are the only people that Everland accepts.

Jimin is going at it as if Everland only accepted those rejected from Tagna. You're not so keen on that idea. The Council works hard to protect every single citizen. That would be impossible.

The seated man inhales sharply. "How can I not be like this, Y/N? I feel so useless here, like this, in a fucking hospital of all places. The only way I can even moderately feel like I'm back in society is here, in front of these damned windows where I can actually see the sunlight. Otherwise, I'm stuck in these white-walled rooms with no one to talk to but you. Then I'm forced to run through these health checkups with doctors that never speak to me, even when I ask them questions! At this point, anything is better than this stupid hospital."

"Oh, Jimin..." you say, immediately taking his hand in yours. You can't bring yourself to tell him 'don't be like that,' again. Pure sorrow is held deep in his brown eyes when he looks at you; your heart aches. "Hey..." you whisper, softly squeezing his warm hand. "Remember that thing I always tell you?"

"What thing?" he huffs. You can tell he's a little bit irritated, and you struggle to keep a straight face.

Placing another comforting hand on his remaining knee, you say, "Remember? For us and—"

"For Everland," Jimin finishes for you. "Oh, that thing," he mumbles. "Of course I remember."

You nod, smiling when Jimin grips your hand tighter. "Have you ever stopped to think about what that meant?"

"No, not really, Y/N." Though he's still frowning, he doesn't look as forlorn anymore.

"Well," you say, "we, as a society, will always miss any patient after their successful transport. I remember everyone I've helped to cross the dimensions and go to Everland, so I'm sure your friends and family unit will always remember you as well. You'll be the man who was worthy of being transported into paradise. Think of it like you're doing it for Tagna, to represent our society in a new land. For us."

"And for Everland?"

"It's nice to say that out of respect, you know?" you smile. "I mean, you'll be staying there for the rest of your life, Jimin. Besides, no one ever said anything about you being an embarrassment, Jimin. You're nothing but a hero, a veteran."

The corners of Jimin's lips turn up just slightly as he looks out the windows once more. "For us and for Everland, huh?"

Though he can't see you, you nod. "Everland is the happiest place on what's left of planet earth," you say, causing Jimin's head to whip toward you. "Yeah," you say. "It's a place even better than our advanced society right here. Everyone is equal in Everland too, but you get many more benefits. The skies are this rich, azure blue and the clouds are so fluffy, they say they emulate the sweetest cotton candy. The people there are veterans like you. I can guarantee you that everyone is respected and well-understood. Every home unit has enormous windows that let the sunlight warm up the buildings. The food there is fresh, nurtured straight out of the soil and hand-picked by the dwellers. It's beautiful there because it's spring, all year long..." you trail off.

Jimin stares at you, lips parted and eyes glossy, no doubt daydreaming about this Utopian place just like you are. "Beautiful..." he mutters under his breath. It's like he wants to ingrain this wonderful scene he had painted of Everland in his head, to recite it to himself every so often before his transport.

You sit back, hand still intertwined in his as you let Jimin lose himself in his reverie. It's several minutes later when Jimin finally jolts from his seat, turning to you with an apologetic look on his face. "I'm sorry," he says. "I zoned out."

"No worries," you tell him. "We all do when we think of Everland."

Jimin hums, squeezing your hand, turning to you with the best of his ability (which was how well his chair would let him). "Do you have a partner, Y/N?"

The rather personal question makes you raise your eyebrows in shock, but you quickly make up for it with a small, stifled laugh. Normally, your patients like it when you tell them fantasy stories or when you listen to them talk about their whole life. They very rarely ask about you.

"Uh, yeah, Jimin," you say. "I have an assigned partner."

"What's he like? When were you assigned to him? Do you love him?"

When you raise another shocked eyebrow, Jimin squirms in his seat, releasing your hand. "Sorry... I-I wasn't trying to be... um, invasive. I'm just... I'm being transported before I get my partner. Having one was one of my dreams since I was little. You know, having my very own family unit to come home to after work..." he trails off. "Please, tell me everything about it."

How can you say no to that?

"Don't worry," you smile warmly. "You can ask all the questions you want—I can't guarantee a good answer, though."

"That's fine, Y/N."

"Well then, hmm..." you say. "Um, his name is Jungkook. I'll start with that. Tall, handsome, ungodly fit... Kind, too." You pause, searching for the look of approval on Jimin's face; he looks like he's in bliss, so you continue. "Sometimes, he acts like my assigned mother, you know, nagging at me to take care of myself and being concerned about everything I do... But, at the end of the day, he's my best friend. He tells me not to overwork myself and he tries to take me on dates when they're due. Then he always makes sure I'm back home before curfew. He knows how I let time fly past me at work," you laugh. "Jungkook's a beautiful soul. I'm really lucky to have been assigned to him. It's been about three years, and I can't say I have any complaints, really."

"Do you love him?"

The question catches you off guard. You look at Jimin, who looks so hopeful, so attached to your assigned relationship—as if it were as precious as his own. With that look on his face, you don't know what kind of monster you would have to be to tear that fantasy apart. Your assigned partner is the last relationship Jimin will hear of, the one that will be embedded in his memories when he is transported. It's your job to take care of Jimin. And it's your job to support him emotionally.

You know the answer to that question. You've known it for a while, and for the longest time, you always thought (or hoped) it would change. It never did.

You're not even completely sure what love is, at this point, though the Council had drilled the definition of it in you since you were a little girl. You're supposed to love your assigned partner, so in a way, you feel like you've failed them.

But you let out a shaky breath, catching Jimin's eyes as you beam. "Yes, I love him."

It's a lie.

Usually, you're given one patient to work with at a time; the Council knows to give you some well-deserved lax time. But never have you gotten two patients. Jimin's transport wasn't scheduled for another two weeks, yet they're taking you to meet a second patient today.

You're not that bothered by the news—not as bothered as Jungkook, anyway. You know he's always wanted to lounge around in bed, watching authorized movies and cooking homemade breakfast together. But you insist that you need to take your assigned career seriously.

He can't argue much after that.

You've said your goodbyes to Jimin earlier that day, had a quick snack and waited. And waited. and waited.

The first meeting with a new patient always makes you feel so jittery. You don't know this person at all—you're to never have any personal connections with them. So you always have to figure out their conditions yourself. It's always one of three things: mentally disabled, physically disabled or older in age. At first glance, it's always easy to tell which the patient is.

The patient is always nervous too, glancing at you anxiously, wondering if you would take good care of them as the Council had promised. There's some pressure to make the best impression. Your white lab coat tends to make your patients uneasy, so one day you 'lost' it in the laundry and never wore it again. A fuzzy sweater or a modest t-shirt with jeans usually does the trick.

You straighten out your t-shirt for the hundredth time, checking to see if it was tucked in your jeans correctly and fixing your hair too. Sometimes, you think you probably feel more nervous to meet your new patient than the patient. After all, you'll have to spend as much as time (or more) with this person as with your assigned partner.

When the door to the hospital room opens, you stand up immediately, ready to greet your patient and assistant, Taehyung, who always introduces you to your new patients. But you're greeted with something you're not quite ready for.

"Don't fucking touch me," a menacing voice snarls. The owner of this voice is a rather lean man with messy blonde hair. He practically slaps Taehyung for holding onto his elbow, and even the always-happy Taehyung looks miserable.

You quickly scan the patient with your eyes. Normally, your discernment is quick, but this time, it's hard. Immediately, you're able to rule out old age. If there was a physical disability, it wasn't obvious. You're leaning towards mental disability, though you also get a feeling that it's really not. You're stumped, but you try not to show it.

Besides, your patient already sounds really irritated.

"Hey, Taehyung," you say, offering your assistant a smile. "Who's our lovely patient?"

The patient dramatically rolls his eyes, aggressively pulling away from Taehyung's grip. "Min Yoongi."

"Yoongi!" you say with a happy smile, though you're very much aware that this Min Yoongi is anything but happy. "Come on into your new room! Nice to meet you. I'm Y/N. I'll be your nurse until your transport in several weeks. You turn to Taehyung, nodding. "Thank you."

"Yeah, no problem. Good luck," Taehyung says before hurrying away.

It's possible that Taehyung's busy and that's the reason behind his sprint away from you and the new patient, but something tells you that it's something else. And that 'good luck' sounded more like a warning than a cheerful goodbye.

Your eyes meet with Yoongi's. They're hard, black and cold. Almost like they can pierce through your soul.

"So, Yoongi," you say, "are you excited about going to Everland?"

It's the best way to start off the first conversation with any patient. They enjoy talking about Everland—and if they don't know much about it, they beg for you to tell. It works every time.

Except not today.

Yoongi scoffs, collapsing on his hospital bed as he turns to face you, cocking his head haughtily. "Why would I be excited?" He sounds like he's accusing you of spreading false lies.

But you don't back down. "Oh, I'm sorry. Maybe excited isn't the right word. I guess I meant you're looking forward to it?"

"No, I'm dreading it. Terrified. Fucking disgusted and filled to the brim with overflowing trepidation."

"W-What?"

"Whatever. Just leave, Y/N. Come back when it's time for me to be 'transported' or whatever the shit the Council calls this."

Never have you dealt with a rude patient. They're all usually very understanding and kind and most of all, respectful. You're taken aback, but you're not one to say no to a challenge.

"Yoongi, do you need someone to talk to?" you ask in your softest voice. "Hey, I'll listen to anything. Really. If you're that 'filled to the brim with overflowing trepidation,' then you can tell me. I'll listen."

"What makes you think I trust you?" It's another challenge, the way he utters it. Yoongi crosses his arms over his chest and raises a daring eyebrow at you.

You swallow your pride, keeping an unfazed, neutral look on your face. "Everything you tell me here, stays in here, Yoongi. You have my word."

"You could be lying through your teeth right now," Yoongi snorts. "Could you be any more artificial? You're giving me a headache, all right? If you're going to be so ersatz with your emotions, I reckon you leave."

Me? Give him a headache?? And not the other way around???

You've had enough.

"I don't think you want me to leave," you say slowly and firmly, crossing your arms and staying rooted to your spot.

"And why would you think that?" Yoongi cocks his head, his bangs falling over his eyes as he does so. He makes no effort to sweep it away. For some reason, that ticks you off even more.

"Loneliness," you say. "You'll get sick of being cramped up and alone in this white-walled room. The only artificial thing here would be the lights—and trust me when I say if you stay here alone, you can say goodbye to natural sunlight until your transport. If you claim that you don't find loneliness even in the tiniest bit of solitude, then I think I might have to ask you to leave for being... what was it again? Ersatz with your emotions."

You haven't left eye contact with the patient.

And you start to become jittery again when complete silence follows after your passive-aggressive speech.

Until: "Damn. Didn't think you had that in you."

"What?"

"I have to give you credit for that," Yoongi shrugs. "Maybe you won't be completely annoying after all. Maybe you'll be bearable."

You let out air through your nose. "Thanks?" You shake your head in disbelief as you sit next to him on his bed.

"You're welcome, I guess."

A small giggle escapes from your lips, then a louder laugh.

Yoongi looks at you as if you sprouted devil horns on your head.

"Sorry—" you manage to say in between giggles—"if the Council saw me being this mean, I'd have to say goodbye to my job."

"You call that being mean?" It's Yoongi who laughs this time. "You're going to have a hell of a time with me, then."

You leave your home unit early for the first time—without Jungkook having to shake you awake—to buy some snacks for your patients. (Though you know Jimin's favorite foods, you end up having to take a wild guess for Yoongi.)

Jimin had made you promise to meet you as early as your schedule allowed it. You don't mind. Hanging out with Jimin is relaxing, especially because he lets you blabber on and on about your personal life. Today, he wants to hear about your assigned career.

"The Council assigned me as a patroller, you know," Jimin says, leaning back proudly in his wheelchair. "I would've been a hell of a good one too... If it weren't for the infection." He sighs, staring at his foot with scrutiny. "It's okay," he shrugs. "What about your career?"

"Hm," you say, looking outside the window where the morning sunshine catches your eye. "Well..." you hum, voice soft and eyes glazed over. "I'm a nurse." Jimin waits for you to continue. "But I have to admit, I didn't really like my assigned career at first. Why be a nurse when you can be a doctor, a surgeon, perhaps?" You give Jimin a small smile. "As a little girl, I always wanted to be in that operating room, you know, operating and saving lives."

"That's honorable, Y/N." Jimin gives you an approving nod, placing his hand on yours to tell you to proceed.

"But I guess the Council thought I'd be a better nurse," you say. "And now, I think they're right. I mean, they always are. Besides, I wouldn't last two seconds in a cold, quiet operation room. I need to talk to people, you know? Take care of them, tell them stories, help them transport. I think I value the presence of people, along with their happiness." You shrug. "I dunno. I do dare say that I'm pretty good at making people happy."

Jimin laughs softly. "There's no other career that would've fit you better." He turns his body fully so that he's facing you. "Y/N, I really don't say this often, but I'm glad you're my nurse. Thank you." Jimin looks deeply into your eyes, something he only does when he's extremely serious. "Hey," he whispers, "I just want you to know that I'm not scared. Everland will be as wonderful as you've always told me. I trust you. And I know I'm in great hands."

He squeezes your interlocked hands for emphasis. "For us and for Everland, yeah?"

"Have you obtained a serious eye infection?"

"N-No," you stutter, wiping your red eyes with the back of your sweater. You quickly set down some snacks on Yoongi's bed and avert your eyes away from him. "I just..."

"Oh," Yoongi says, clapping his hands together. "You've been crying!" he accuses, pointing at your face with a smug smirk. He looks like he could care less, yet he asks, "What happened?"

"It's really nothing," you sniff, sitting down on Yoongi's bed. "They're not sad tears, necessarily."

To your surprise, Yoongi laughs. You look at him with disapproval. "I'm sorry!" he snorts between giggles, "but you wouldn't know 'sadness' if it socked you in the face!" Upon seeing your puzzled expression, he sighs. "Whatever."

Yoongi doesn't push the topic, which is very much like him. You don't mind. It's not like you want to explain crying in front of Jimin, your patient. Jimin has a strange way of making you feel special. And special's a word no one's allowed to be in Tagna—because specialness is the cause of discrimination. But you think specialness makes you feel valuable.

"So," Yoongi starts, tilting his head to look at your curiously, "why are you here?"

This time, you're the one to laugh. "I'm your nurse! I'm supposed to look after you before your transport. You know, talk to you, answer your questions, tell you about Everland."

"Doesn't sound very crucial to me."

Yoongi has a habit of being very, very candid. You tend to mistake his honesty for rudeness, but after a while, you've come to appreciate the truthfulness. He brings out a fun, slightly meaner side of you that nobody else but Yoongi would approve of. You hate to admit it, but you like it.

"Fine then," you say. "What do you suggest we do?"

"I don't know. What do you do with people you know? Not including those in your career unit."

"We..." you trail off, a frown settling on your face. "I don't know any people outside my career unit," you admit. "I mean, unless you count my assigned partner. But then again, I always talk about work with him too." You gasp. "I don't think I have actual friends!"

"Good," he says, which makes you look at him with incredulity. He laughs at your expression, a genuine laugh in which his eyes sparkle with mirth and his lips are tugged into a rather snarky smile. But it's a smile nevertheless. "It's fine, Y/N. 'Cause me too. We can be each other's friends."

"Really? But wouldn't you technically be a career-related friend?"

"But are we going to talk about career-related things?" He gives you a look. "I believe I told you I'm not the least bit interested in Everland. Nor do I care even the tiniest bit how to get there. I surely don't have any inquiries regarding the transport. I'm pretty sure you won't have to worry about being a nurse around me... Though I'll probably appreciate the snacks." Yoongi pauses to rip open a bag of gummy bears. He grins. "My favorite. How'd you guess?"

"I had a hunch." You smile proudly, taking a mental note to buy some more gummy bears for Yoongi in the future. "But wait a minute," you say. "You really want me to be your friend?"

"Definitely not a nurse," Yoongi says. "I can take care of myself, thank you. But you were right. I'd die of boredom if I'm alone. That's where you can step in as a friend." He winks, sorting out the green gummy bears from the other variegated colors and popping one in his mouth. He offers you a red gummy bear.

How'd he guess? You smile, shaking your head as you take his offer. My favorite.

Jimin and Yoongi are polar opposites. If one man is gentle, sensitive and kind, the other is brash, rather presumptuous and most of all, pedantic. It's obvious who is who.

But you're not one to pick favorites. A patient is a patient no matter who they are—at least you try to think so. Your end goal is to make sure you're there for them before they're transported to the all-so-magical Everland. Granted, one acts like your friend and the other, your patient.

Jimin likes to ask you a lot of questions, whether it's an inquiry about Everland or questions about your personal life. He's made you repeat the details of Everland so many times, you're sure he already has everything memorized. But he still asks.

On the other hand, Yoongi doesn't bother to ask questions at all. As a man of his word, he proved from early on that he had no interest whatsoever in Everland or assigned partners or assigned careers or assigned anything. You're starting to wonder if he has any interests at all. In fact, come to think of it, you're not even sure if he's ever left his hospital room.

"Oh, this place reeks," you tease, waving your hand in front of your nose. You toss Yoongi a bag of gummy bears and plop down on the bed next to him. "Do you ever leave the room?"

The man laughs, reaching for the snack. "I don't leave the bed."

You scrunch your nose. "Ew." Yoongi shoves four green gummy bears into his mouth, and you watch with a mixture of disgust and pity. "We need to get you out of here."

"Out of the hospital?" Yoongi asks with a mouthful of gummy bears.

"No, just out of this room," you say. "I mean, you might die from a kidney disease before being transported. Imagine that, the first man in decades to die in Tagna—in this day and age with advanced medicine and technology!"

Yoongi scoffs. "Whatever. Fine, let's get out of here. Not like there's anything better to do outside, though."

"We can get ice cream in the cafeteria," you offer. "And argue about the right way to cut up a sandwich again."

"You monster, you're supposed to cut it in triangles!"

"Yeah, says the one who puts the milk first, then the cereal!"

The bickering continues until you're seated in the hospital cafeteria. By that time, both of you are too tired to carry on with the arguing. So there's a bit of silence as you and Yoongi feast on your ice cream scooped onto large sugar cones. You went for plain vanilla, but Yoongi opted for the most sugary flavor: butterscotch dutch fudge nut with diced marshmallows and a caramel drizzle.

You swear he might get diabetes before his transport if he keeps this up. Maybe you should bring him some healthy snacks next time—kale, avocados, spinach. They're green, just like how he likes his gummy bears, so maybe he'll listen to you and finally have a salutary diet.

But instead of being able to convince Yoongi to start the habit of healthy eating, it all spirals down into another debate.

"It's CAR-amel," you insist.

"CARE-amel," Yoongi retorts, shaking his head. "We've been quarreling for the past hour, Y/N. Aren't you getting tired of it? I've never argued this much in my entire life!"

"But what if that's how this 'friend' thing works?" you say. "Actual friends care so much they disagree on every little detail."

"Then it's very tiring to have friends," Yoongi sighs, taking a depressing lick of the lump of sugar on a cone.

"I agree." A pause. "Did you ever have friends, though?"

Yoongi snorts. "Actually, contrary to popular belief, I did. But that was before I got myself into this mess."

"Mess??"

He shrugs the question off, countering it with another question of his own. "Did you have any friends?"

You tilt your head, but figure it's best to let Yoongi have some space. "Um, yeah. I guess I was pretty well-known in my year. Now I don't really have time for that. Work," you sigh. "But I still enjoy what I do."

"I know you do. You're a good friend, and though I wouldn't know, an amazing nurse," Yoongi grins, shrugging so nonchalantly that you almost miss the complimenting tone of his voice.

You grin back. It had taken you a bit to coax the sweetness out of his cold and collected demeanor, but once revealed, Yoongi could almost parallel Jimin's amenity. "What about you? Did you like what you did before you were chosen to be transported?"

Yoongi's smile disappears in the blink of an eye, a sour frown replacing it. "Not exactly." His stone-cold voice is a sign for you to change the topic, but he continues to speak. "I was good at my career. Liked it at first, too. But I'm a rare mistake, I suppose. Maybe I had some traits within me that the Council didn't catch, or maybe I changed as an adult. The Council deemed my career as a mismatch."

A mismatch... You always thought that was a myth—assigned careers never failed. The Council never made mistakes. You can't even fathom the amount of disappointment that Yoongi probably had felt when realizing his assigned career was a mismatch. "I'm so sorry," you say. "Do you mind if I ask what career unit you were in?"

Yoongi hesitates for so long, you start to think you've crossed the line. But then: "Unit 38. I was in unit 38." He clears his throat and watches carefully for your reaction.

Your eyes widen and your mouth opens, shuts, then opens again. "38?? That's my unit!" you say. "How come I've never seen you before?"

He crosses his legs, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. "I suppose I was in the more secluded area of the hospital."

Though you want him to elaborate, Yoongi's uneasy fidgeting sets you off. You're here to make him feel safe, comfortable. As much as you're insanely curious now that Yoongi's avoiding the subject, you shrug. "Oh, that's interesting... Wanna talk about something else?"

When Yoongi shoots you a grateful look, you actually feel glad for changing the topic. It was the right thing to do. As to sate your curiosity...

I'll just ask Jungkook about him later.

"Hey, Jungkook?" you whisper, testing the waters, trying to tell if the suppressant already brought your assigned partner to a deep slumber. You turn around on the bed to face him, and you're glad when he turns around as well.

"Yes, sweetie?"

"Do you know anyone of the name Min Yoongi?" you ask hopefully.

Jungkook crinkles his brows in thought. "Min Yoongi?" he mutters to himself. "Min Yoongi..." He gives you an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry, the name doesn't ring a bell."

"It's fine," you sigh, lying fully on your back now and staring up at the dark ceiling. "I just think it's strange the Council would assign me a patient who worked in the same unit as me."

"Really?" Jungkook murmurs. "Unit 38? Why don't we know him?" he asks, tiredness laced into his tone. "Are you sure you heard him right, sweetie?"

"I'm sure," you say. "He did say he worked in the more secluded part of the hospital... And I thought we were in the most secluded area."

Jungkook laughs softly, moving to place his hand on top of yours. "Why don't you just ask him about the details?"

"I didn't want to push him into explaining something he's uncomfortable with," you say. "I'm sorry... I'm keeping you up with all of this, aren't I? You're tired. It's past curfew." You glance over at the digital clock you keep beside the bed. The red, glowing light flashes 2245 hours. It's pretty late.

"It's okay," Jungkook says. "You don't have to be sorry, Y/N," he laughs, but it comes out dry and forced. You can practically feel the worried look on his face. "You took the suppressant today, right?"

"Never gone a day without one," you reply. "You know they don't work on me as well as they work on others..."

"Sweetie, you should tell the Council. I don't want you to get in trouble for acting out of line," Jungkook sighs but it morphs into a wide yawn. "See?" he murmurs sleepily. "Mine works fine."

You stay silent, watching blankly as your assigned partner's eyes flutter shut. Soon, his breathing becomes even, his chest rising and falling steadily. He's asleep, just like that.

The suppressant does a number of things—or, at least, it's supposed to. The Council keeps the full effects of it private, and the only citizens who are aware of the details are the specialists who designed it. It's uniquely engineered to help the average citizen fall asleep an hour after curfew only to wake him up at 0700 hours every morning. Except on Sundays, it's 0800. Every citizen must take one suppressant—a small, white, tasteless pill—every day before he leaves his home unit at precisely 0845 to get to his career or school by 0900 hours.

Untimeliness is definitely not tolerated.

Which is a proven hassle for you. The suppressant doesn't affect you in the same way it does others. You're always waking up and sleeping later than others. Back when you were in school, you'd always be late for your classes. The Council generously took that into account before they assigned your career, though—but not before they scolded you for being tardy to the career ceremony.

Compared to other careers, nurses have a more lenient call time. It works out in your favor because if it weren't for Jungkook, you'd show up to work three hours late daily.

The clock flashes an angry 2300, but you're still not tired.

At least tomorrow is Sunday. Usually, it's the day off for every citizen in Tagna. Jungkook probably wants you to spend the day with him...

But it won't hurt to visit the hospital. Just for a few hours. To meet your new friend. Jungkook won't mind, right?

You smile to yourself. The thought makes you so excited, you aren't able to sleep until 0300.

It's routinely to visit Jimin before Yoongi.

Jimin is becoming increasingly nervous as the days of his departure to Everland are decreasing. He doesn't talk too often when you visit, but you know he finds your presence soothing.

But today, it's eerily silent.

"You okay?" you whisper.

He nods but offers you no words.

"You're worried, Jimin. Trust me, it'll calm your nerves to talk to me. What's got you anxious?"

He looks down at his foot, avoiding eye contact. You let him stall as he collects his thoughts. Then, in the smallest voice: "I... I don't like injections," he squeaks.

"Hey, hey, it doesn't hurt one bit," you say, wrapping a comforting arm around him. "I would know, Jimin. Trust me."

"I don't know," he sighs, fidgeting his hands. "The needle just—" he chokes over his words, shaking his head in shame. "The last time I got an injection, they took away my leg. I'm scared, Y/N. What if I get to Everland without my good leg too? What if they take away all of my limbs?"

Once in a while, you get a patient who's slightly nervous about the injection, but never have you dealt with something as serious as this. "Jimin... The transport isn't a surgery," you say softly. "It puts you to a peaceful sleep so you can be transported safely. It won't hurt one bit. And you definitely won't lose any limbs. You're in safe hands."

Jimin nods, but he looks fragile, back hunched and eyes shaking. It's hard for you to see him in this state. You wish you can do more for him—more than telling him tales of Everland and bringing him snacks and giving him intangible support.

You want to show him Everland.

But how can you? You don't even know where it is.

"You look like you ate dog shit."

You've been waiting for this moment the whole day—you missed the grouchy man and his candid words.

"Hello to you too," you say, wearily plopping down on Yoongi's bed as he shifts to make space.

"Where's your chipper smile today, Y/N?" Yoongi says. If you didn't know any better, you'd think he's worried about you. But he covers it up well with a: "Your frown is very hideous, by the way."

"Thank you."

"No, I mean, I meant to ask, what happened? You look completely miserable."

"It's confidential," you sigh. "You know, about my other patient..."

"What are the fucktards going to do about it when you tell me?" Yoongi snorts. At your appalled face he clarifies, "By fucktards, I mean the members of the Council."

"Yoongi!"

"It's not like they're going to find out," Yoongi shrugs. "Is this other patient giving you a hard time?"

"They could take away my job," you protest.

"Yeah, only if they find out."

"That's true..."

"So?" Yoongi says. "Are you going to elaborate?"

You pretend to think. "Okay, maybe..." You nod. "Yeah, okay. But I have nothing against Jimin, you know, the patient. He's an absolute sweetheart," you say. "Which is the whole problem. He has such big hopes for Everland. And I keep feeding him all of this paradisiacal information, but it's not enough! I want to help him, I want to tell him what Everland's really like, but how can I? How can I speak about something so highly when I've only lived through it vicariously? Oh god, I tell him things he wants to hear, but technically, I'm lying to his face." You pause for breath. "I'm a liar! But he listens to me! He trusts me! I can't bear the thought of him coming face to face with Everland and realizing it's nothing like what I told him it would be! He'd be broken!"

You can't lie, it feels good to let out everything that had stacked up over the past several days.

"Everland is wonderful. I don't want to doubt that. But what if it's not wonderful enough for Jimin? He's different from my other patients, you know? He needs so much more reassuring and love and care... Sometimes I don't think I can give him the best. Should I resign? I can't keep doing this to him. I'll practically die of guilt! Imagine that—in our day and time—a citizen passing away from something incurable! Bullshit!"

"It is bullshit," Yoongi agrees with you right away. "But I think it'll be fine, Y/N. You don't need to resign. And you definitely don't have to worry. You really don't have to." He stares at the floor with a frown etched deeply on his face. "It'll be fine."

"Really?"

The man nods slowly but surely. You can tell he's choosing his next words wisely, which is something he normally doesn't do. Yoongi is a man of rapid-fire and quick reactions. He's prone to blurt out whatever's on his mind. This is the first time you see him be so attuned to your emotions. Maybe he's trying to think of words that'll help you calm down.

"Everland will be unimaginably peaceful," he says, finally looking at you. His dark eyes show no flicker nor hint of playful teasing. He's serious. "Jimin will like it there."

Something about the way he says it makes you believe him.

Mondays are days when you always end up behind schedule. Your body likes to throw away its natural alarm clock out the window Sunday night, so you tend to accidentally sleep in the next day.

Jungkook usually tries to wake you up for work, but half of the time, you don't budge, so he leaves a kiss on your cheek and leaves for his job. The sequence is always vague in your memories.

Curse your immunity to the suppressant.

It's really no surprise when you show up to your job an hour late. You might've also made a little stop to the convenience store for some snacks. Of course, not for you, but for your patients.

Jimin's already waiting for you patiently on his bed. He thankfully doesn't ask any questions when you walk in a bit breathlessly, handing him a bag of his favorite chips.

You plop down on his bed, wiping away the beads of sweat that had accumulated on your forehead. "I'm so sorry, Jimin," you wheeze. "You must've been up for hours. I apologize for making you wait."

Jimin giggles, shaking his head. "What are you talking about, Y/N? I woke up a few minutes ago. Around 1005 hours? You're right on time!"

If he's lying to make you feel better, he's doing a good job at it.

"I don't get a daily suppressant anymore," Jimin confesses. "I'm awake when everyone's asleep and sometimes, I'm asleep when everyone is awake. Sometimes I can't sleep." He sighs, fingers wrapping around the chip bag. "That never used to happen when I took the suppressant."

He sounds lonely. As if the whole world was excluding him from vibrant, festive affairs.

You're supposed to be his solace, but you can't help but say, "Why don't they give you the suppressant?"

"I've asked," Jimin says. "But of course they don't answer. Just some grunts and mumbles that I can barely comprehend."

"That's not very nice of them," you say. "How about this? I promise I'll visit you more often if you're lonely. And to make you feel better, how about I talk about Everland again?"

Jimin nods hopefully, his eyes lighting. You want the best for him, but sometimes, there's not much you can offer him—except your words.

Yoongi is different. He doesn't want your buttered up, sugar-coated words. He doesn't live behind the curtain of fantasy. He lives in reality. Maybe even a bit more than you do.

"The suppressant tends to mess up the injection. Makes the process longer," Yoongi says casually. He rips open the bag of gummy bears. "Which is exactly why they're not given to patients. Why do you ask?"

"No, it's just..." How does he know that? "Jimin wants to take it again."

"Why would he?" Yoongi scoffs. "I always hated waking up early. Now I can sleep through the whole day and night."

"He's lonely."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. He was well-known before he was moved to the hospital. He misses the social life, I think."

Yoongi doesn't answer for a long time after that. When you finally look over at him, you find him staring into his hands with a conflicted look on his face.

"You okay?" you ask, reaching out and putting a hand on his by habit.

The contact makes Yoongi flinch, but he nods. "I'm always okay, Y/N. Why bothering asking?" He grins. His hand feels warm under yours and you make a move to hold it. But he jerks away. "Anyways, you should be going now, right? Time to get my beauty sleep, you know."

You're shocked, leaving his room feeling utterly rejected.

He'd never even told you goodbye.

If the Council finds out you're pulling a disobedient stunt like this, they might just shove you in the jailhouse for eternity. Then you'll be stripped from your career, home unit and assigned partner.

All your life, though, you've been known as the obedient one. If the Council told you to end your service as a nurse by jumping off a bridge, you'd do it.

But sometimes, you suppose you need to take drastic measures.

Your heart thumps loudly in your chest and your palms feel irritatingly clammy in your jacket pocket where a ziplock bag stays stowed away from sight. Every step towards the hospital fills you with dread—it's another step you've survived without having a Council member catch you in the act.

Maybe this is a bad idea. What if they can check your vitals? That would give away the fact that you had neglected to take your suppressant this morning. The white pill sits snugly in the ziplock bag in your jacket pocket.

The plan is simple. You will walk into the hospital like nothing is wrong. You will walk straight into Jimin's room and hand him the suppressant. He will take the pill. It can't be that hard.

Both of you had developed this plan over the course of a week. It would've taken less time to execute it too if you hadn't chickened out three days in a row.

It mostly terrified you that once started, this little illicit project would last until Jimin's transport. It freaked you out even more that the whole thing was a secret between you and Jimin.

You can't credit this idea to yourself, but it wasn't exactly Jimin's either. Both of you had hinted at it, and in the end, it had been officially addressed. So, you can't blame anyone if it fails drastically.

The suppressant has been around for decades. No one in Tagna has lived without taking them for a very, very long time. The Council likes to hint that before the suppressant entered the human body system, humans were fickle, sexual and undeserving beings. You don't think you'll revert back to that, per se.

But you're wary of the possible side effects.

You always told yourself you'd never show favoritism among your patients. But here you are. Sacrificing your suppressant for Jimin. In your defense, he's something else. Someone that will forever be ingrained in your memories. He's the only person who deserves more than what Everland has to offer. Because Everland surely doesn't restore back missing limbs. And that's what Jimin deserves.

Come to think of it, there's a crazy synergy between you and your patients for some reason. Even Yoongi... He understands you in a way no one else has before. Talking to him feels natural, effortlessly easy and fun, too. Maybe it's because he had worked in your career unit—as the Council says, compatibility rates skyrockets amongst those in the same career unit. Or maybe, just maybe, he should've been your assigned partner. Maybe you're a mismatch with Jungkook.

And judging by the way you feel around your assigned partner, you think it might be true. Doesn't easy communication and having fun around someone mean you love them? Isn't that what love is? Isn't that what defines a deep attraction?

But then again, the last time you'd tried to hold Yoongi's hand—which hadn't been a romantic gesture at all—he had tugged away. Ever since that incident, you've been refraining yourself from lightly touching his shoulder or reassuringly holding his hand. Yet if Yoongi had felt awkward from that encounter, he didn't show it.

Now it's been five days since you've stopped taking your suppressant. Ever since the third day, you haven't felt guilty about it anymore. It almost feels natural not to take the pill at this point.

Jimin's been noticeably happier these days as a result. He has two days before his transport, but he's showing no symptoms of intense nervousness. The suppressant seems to be doing wonders for his condition.

That finally puts you at peace.

And regarding the little warning that Yoongi had given you? The one about how taking the suppressant would make Jimin's transport take longer? Jimin didn't mind.

He told you he'd rather be happy, that he didn't mind the wait. It was all it took for you to authorize the plan.

And now look where things are. It's going great.

This is peculiar.

You have no idea when it started, or how it started, or why it started, but you've been noticing the smallest details about Yoongi. The way he eats, the manner in which he talks, the slightly sarcastic tone to his voice when he argues with you... You may not have noticed them before, but you see them now. And it's endearing.

He's endearing.

Every time he smiles at you, your heart beats a little faster and you feel the heat rushing through your face. You can't quite say it's a good feeling per se, but you know it's special. When his hair falls over his eyes, you always have the urge to reach out and fix it for him. You can't even get him out of your head.

You've never experienced anything like this before. You can't exactly say you hate it, but you're not sure if you like it either.

"Hey, Yoongs?" you whisper. Yoongi glances up from reading his latest book you provided him. It's a cheesy romance story and Yoongi openly made a ten-minute rant on why he hates romance, but you just think he's in denial that a little romance is actually really addicting.

"Hm?" he hums.

You're silent, admiring his face before the words tumble out of your mouth. "Did you ever have an assigned partner?"

Yoongi raises his eyebrows. "Oh?" He smirks. "Why are you interested?"

You flush bright pink. "Why can't I just ask a question without having to deal with a deflected inquiry?"

"Because I like being difficult."

"Clearly."

"But to answer your rather invasive question, yes, I had an assigned partner," Yoongi says. "But it was a mismatch. Lovely."

You gape at him. "The Council mismatched your partner and career??"

"Technically, they mismatched my home unit too," Yoongi scoffs. "They failed me, you know. Don't trust those fucktards."

"Maybe you changed drastically during your transition to adulthood?" you reason. "The Council just doesn't make mistakes!"

Yoongi laughs out loud. "Oh, they make a lot of mistakes. Trust me."

Trust me. It's a lot coming from someone you've known for less than a month. You grew up with the Council supporting you, watching you grow, nurturing you and treating you like you were their own daughter. You can't just throw away your trust in the Council because someone you're fond of says so.

"Mistakes? What other errors could there possibly be?" you say doubtfully.

"They should've made their system foolproof," Yoongi laughs. "They should've put a chip in everyone's arm to check their vitals. Now there's no way of finding out who's not taking their suppressant."

You freeze.

Did he know??

"You mean there's barely a difference in action between those who take the suppressant and those who don't?" you ask.

"No, there are a few differences," Yoongi shrugs. "Only a suppressant developer would know, though. Say, Y/N," he smiles, shutting his book and showing you the cover. "Do you know what love is?"

"Love?" you say, raising your eyebrows. "What do you mean? Of course I know."

"You mean you trust the definition of love that the Council gave you."

"Yes? Why wouldn't I? Love. Noun or verb. A deep attraction. Or to feel a romantic connection with someone." The definition slips off your lips easily after years and years of repeating in your head and out loud.

"And," Yoongi drags on, "how do you know you feel a deep attraction to or a romantic connection with someone?"

"If you communicate naturally together? And uh, have fun together?" you say, but it sounds more like a question than a sure statement. You sigh, "Maybe I don't know what love is."

It feels horrible admitting it out loud.

"Maybe because I don't know what it is, I can't seem to love my assigned partner," you say. "That makes sense, right?"

Yoongi laughs. "Love isn't something anyone can control. That includes the Council." He laughs again, casually tossing his book across the room. You gasp when it lands in the trash can. "Every single fucking 'romance' book here is fake—ersatz, if you will."

"What the hell do you mean?" you say, frowning as you try to stand up to retrieve the book.

But Yoongi grabs your arm and you freeze once more. You turn your face the other way as your cheeks start to feel warm.

"Love is something you find for yourself," he says. "Arranged partnerships, forced partnerships, assigned partnerships—whatever the books say—it's not supposed to work. You're supposed to feel something when you're in love. You're supposed to feel bothered. And sometimes, you'll feel a little too warm for your liking. Your stomach will feel weird. Kinda like there are butterflies flying about inside it. You're supposed to care for the person you love, be their friend, their listener. Sometimes, you'll feel like you want to touch them—sexual attraction. You love them so much, you want to know every inch of them—physically and mentally..." Yoongi trails off. "Of course, the suppressant suppresses all of those feelings."

"Oh." It's the only thing you can manage to mutter. How can you say anything else when Yoongi just described almost everything you felt about him?

It explains so much too.

Why so suddenly you'd been feeling so heated around Yoongi. It's most likely you loved him before you stopped taking the suppressant. But it was only revealed after.

"Oh?" Yoongi says.

"I-I don't know," you say, flustered. "All my life... All my life I thought I was supposed to love my assigned partner. But I don't now... And I... I think I love someone else."

Yoongi smiles, cocking his head so that a bit of his bangs fall over his eyes. "Are you sure?"

You mirror his smile. "Yeah," you murmur, taking a deep breath before using all of your willpower to lean in and sweep Yoongi's bangs off to the side. "I'm sure."

"Good," Yoongi says. "So, do tell. Why have you stopped taking the suppressant?"

He's extremely close to you. So much so, when he speaks, you can feel the warmth of his breath on your cheeks. You barely have the capacity to be surprised.

"I... um, I thought I was immune to it," you answer back in a hushed whisper. "So I didn't think it would change anything if I uh, stopped taking it," you lie. "But it was suppressing me and I didn't even know it."

"Still, you feel it now, right?" Yoongi says. "The butterflies in your stomach?"

Butterflies. What a weird way to describe the fluttering sensation rising up your middle to your chest. But you like it.

"Right now?" you say, raising an eyebrow.

Yoongi grins. "I don't know why, but we're attracted to each other, Y/N. Love has a strange way of connecting the people most far away."

"Wait, Yoongi—"

"Blushed cheeks, shy glances, playful touching... Y/N, I think I found out you love me before you did," Yoongi laughs, lying back on the bed triumphantly. "And then when I thought about it, I supposed you weren't too bad. That's when you started to plague my mind—in kind of a good way, too. It wasn't long until I realized I loved you back." Yoongi glances your way. "Am I going too fast? Do you need time to understand?"

"Um, yes!" you say. "Are you proposing that we love each other? But in an unconventional way? A way that the Council doesn't approve of?"

"The Council isn't the law, you know."

"You're right. They're higher than the law."

Yoongi snorts. "They tell you they are," he says. "I like to think that they're control freaks. It'll be fine. I get to escape to Everland or whatever the shit they call 'paradise' anyway."

"I don't even know what to say!"

"Yeah, me neither."

"What am I supposed to do? Believe you? Challenge the Council questions? Start taking the suppressant again?"

"Do whatever you want," Yoongi smiles. "That's how I ended up getting chosen to go to Everland."

"What do you mean?"

Yoongi suddenly leans in, making your breath hitch and the butterflies in your stomach spread their wings in rapid succession. A rippling motion undertakes your inner stomach. Instinctively, you reach out to the man in front of you, softly wrapping your hand around his wrist. He smiles, tugging you close—so close that your noses are almost touching.

"You'll find out if you want," Yoongi whispers. You can feel his warm breath on your lips. The sensation is new, foreign, but the intimacy pulls you in.

His lips finally meet yours in a quick, fleeting kiss so soft that if your whole face wasn't burning, you would've convinced yourself it hadn't happened. Yoongi leans away, looking confident in himself as he glances at you through the bangs that had fallen over his eyes again.

Your heart beats dangerously fast in your chest when your eyes meet his, goosebumps dotting your skin and your lips feeling unusually tingly.

"Do you believe me now?" Yoongi asks.

It's a hard question disguised with easy words. You find yourself struggling to answer, cheeks tinging pink as you look down at your feet.

Of course you want to believe Yoongi. But you can't throw away your belief in the Council and that was that.

Yoongi senses your hesitation and breaks the silence. "Hey."

"Yeah?"

"How about this," he says. "Why don't you go back home to that mismatched assigned partner of yours and see for yourself?"

You hum. Maybe that is a good idea.

You suppose you'll have to see for yourself.

"Jungkook?" you whisper.

"Yes?" he answers in a similar, quiet tone. He grabs your hand from under the bed covers, drawing soft circles on the back of your hand with his thumb. "What do you want to ask this time?" There's a small, teasing lilt to his voice that almost makes you feel bad for planning on dropping such a difficult question on him. But you persist.

"Why do you love me?"

Jungkook momentarily pauses. "We're partners! Of course I love you!"

"No, no," you sigh, shaking your head. "But why. If we weren't assigned partners, would you still love me?"

There's a sudden shift in the covers as Jungkook turns to his side to face you. Judging by the frown etched on his face, he isn't a big fan of your question.

"The Council picked us to be partners, sweetie," he says. "I love you because we have easy communication and we have fun together."

"Is that all love is to you?"

"Do you want me to go ahead and define it, sweetie?" Jungkook asks. "I'm getting worried, Y/N. Why the sudden questions about love?"

"I-I'm sorry..." you say. "But just... don't you feel something? Love makes you feel something."

"Feel?" Jungkook shakes his head. "What are you talking about?"

"Don't you constantly think of me throughout your day? Don't you feel the butterflies in your stomach? Don't you start blushing if I ever say something nice to you? Don't you want to touch me?"

Jungkook's frown deepens. "Why would I have butterflies in my stomach?" he says. "I don't think that would be healthy at all, sweetie. And I'm already touching you, see?" He holds up your intertwined hands.

He doesn't understand.

"Never mind..." you sigh, pulling your hand away from his. "I'll stop bothering you."

"No, explain, sweetie," Jungkook says. "You're not bothering me. I promise."

He will never understand. Not like Yoongi does, anyway. You stay silent, wishing that the suppressant will put Jungkook to sleep. It's better for people like him to stay ignorant.

But just as you thought the long silence indicated that Jungkook was asleep:

"Well, do you love me?" He sounds hopeful, but also so sure you're going to give him the answer he wants.

The question catches you off guard. You desperately want to say yes—to preserve a partnership and prevent Jungkook from pain and sorrow. But maybe it's better for you to tell him the truth. You can't continue what you have with Yoongi when you have an assigned partner. It pains you to say but—

"I don't love you."

"W-What?"

"We're a mismatch, Jungkook. Let's go to the Council tomorrow and file a split."

This is possibly the worst day to proceed with the procedure.

Things have been hectic with the Council pulling you out of your home unit to separate you and Jungkook. Things have been awkward. Jungkook probably doesn't want to speak to you ever again. He's convinced that you broke his heart.

You're convinced that he never truly loved you to begin with.

Yoongi helps you explore a new kind of relationship. The one that sets fire to your insides and seals it with searing kisses. The one that's pretty distracting for your other daily activities.

Jimin sits patiently on the hospital bed with a blanket draped over his missing leg. "I'm excited, Y/N," he says. "Just think! In a few hours, I'll be there! In Everland..."

You nod, silently pulling on your latex gloves.

"I'm so happy, Y/N," Jimin says. "I've never been this happy in my whole life."

"You'll be happier in Everland," you reply, smiling. "You deserve it, Jimin."

"It's all thanks to you," he says. He suddenly sits up, looking at you solemnly. "But I'll miss you, you know that?"

"Oh, Jimin... I'll miss you too."

"Thank you," he says. "Really. For everything."

He's talking about the little suppressant plan. "No, thank you," you say. Jimin was the catalyst to you finally coming to your feelings, after all. "I wish you a safe transport."

When your assistant rolls in the familiar cart with your needed supplies, you can hear Jimin take a deep breath. He must've seen the syringe.

"It won't hurt," you promise, walking over to the cart and holding the syringe carefully. The needle glints in the air.

Jimin gulps. "F-For us and for Everland, right?"

"Right. Now, lie down, please," you say in your most soothing voice. "This is going to put you to sleep. Your mind will start to travel between dimensions to eventually reach Everland. If you want, you can close your eyes too."

You lean in to whisper in his ear, "The process might take longer... as you may know, but the delay won't be hours long, I hope."

Jimin nods. His eyes flutter close and you can tell he's trying to relax his body.

"That's it," you say. "Relax..."

You let Jimin take a few deep breaths. Then you hold out his arm. "Clench your fist for me, please."

Jimin does as you say. Once you can spot a vein on the upper forearm, you tell Jimin the needle will go in. He nods and does not respond, squeezing his eyes shut. Thankfully, his body stays relaxed as you begin to slowly push down on the plunger. You're almost done when Jimin starts to whimper.

He must be scared.

"Just a few more seconds, Jimin," you say. "You'll be fine..."

But his whimpering doesn't cease even after the needle is out of him. You wipe away excess blood with an alcohol swab quickly, pressing a clean cotton ball on his skin and using medical tape to secure it.

Jimin's still squeezing his eyes shut and you notice sweat accumulating on his forehead.

"Jimin?" you say. "It's over, Jimin. Are you okay?"

"I-It h-hurts," he whimpers. "P-Please, make it stop."

"Hurts?" you say. It's not supposed to hurt. No one ever said it hurt after. You don't want to panic; not when your patient is close to a panic attack.

"Please, Y/N," Jimin groans. His body starts to shake and his eyes open in the process. "I-It's hard to b-breathe—"

Your darkest nightmare unfolds before your eyes.

"He's hyperventilating!" you yell, no doubt frightening your assistants. "Jimin, do you hear me? Purse your lips, take a deep breath through your nose and let it out slowly through your lips, okay?? Do you hear me? Jimin??"

Jimin's leg jerks, nearly kicking you. His whole body begins to twitch; you watch in horror as foam starts to gather in his mouth. "Fuck, he's having a seizure! Get me a cushion!"

"Jimin, hang on!"

You turn his head to the side, guarding the edges of the hospital bed so he doesn't fall off. When your assistant hands you a cushion, you carefully place it under his head. "Oh, Jimin..."

All sorts of bad thoughts fly past you. What if he can't get to Everland because he took the suppressant? What if he will never find happiness again? What will happen when the Council finds out? Will they declare my career as a mismatch too?

Right now, all you can do is wait the seizure out. If he's unconscious afterward, it'll be one of two things: he's somehow transporting himself to Everland or he's in need of urgent care.

It's all your fault, it seems. If you hadn't agreed to such a fickle plan, you would never be in this state of agony. A minute flies by and Jimin falls asleep, limp and sweaty. His face is red and there's a puddle of spit with a mixture of vomit by his lips. You have to look away.

I'm so sorry, Jimin.

A new batch of assistants burst through the door and they start to roll the hospital bed away.

"Wait, where is he going?"

They don't answer you. Apparently, they're not your assistants.

"Is he going to Everland??" you try again.

They're silent.

"Is Jimin okay?"

One of them turns around to look at you. Her eyes are cold but she forges a small smile on her thin lips. "He is okay. The transport was successful. The Council has permitted you to go home early."

There is a relief that floods through you. But it feels cold.

You didn't even get to say your proper goodbyes to Jimin. And now he's off to Everland, but only after leaving Tagna feeling intense pain and undergoing great suffering. The last memory you have of him is him unconscious, legless and distressed.

I don't want to go home.

There is no one waiting for you there, now. So you walk solemnly down the unsettlingly white hospital hallway and knock on the door of a familiar room.

"Come in," says an all too familiar voice.

You already feel comforted.

You tell Yoongi everything that happened in Jimin's procedure. His hyperventilating, his seizure and then his successful transport. Yoongi listens quietly to your story but you can tell his mind is someplace else.

When you finish talking, he continues to stare at you, offering no comments or reactions to Jimin's hectic transport. He looks a lot like he's thinking with his brows slightly furrowed and his lips parted.

"Yoongi?"

"Hm?"

"What are you thinking about?"

"Do you want me to be brutally honest?" he asks. You nod, though you're a bit wary of his candid thoughts. "Don't get mad," he warns you. "But I pity you."

You frown. "Pity me?"

"Yes. You, your job, your... life."

"Just because I had a mismatched assigned partner doesn't signal the end of the world," you say. "You don't have to pity me, Yoongi."

"Jimin's gone, Y/N," he replies without skipping a beat. "I do pity you. Jungkook's gone because you never loved him. And I'll be gone too. What are you going to do?"

"This is my job," you say. "I guess we can't all have perfect assigned partners and careers and home units and everything. Besides, Jimin's in a great place now. And you will be too. I'm just helping you get there."

Yoongi's silent. He stares at his hands then he stares back up at you. Then, he sighs.

"Do you want to know why I'm here?"

You frown. "What do you mean?"

"You've been wondering, right? Why I'm not physically nor mentally disabled. Why I'm not an elderly man, either. I'm a strange case, aren't I? You weren't supposed to get another patient for a while longer, but you ended up having to take care of me and Jimin. Don't you want to know why?"

"I mean, of course I do. It's just very sudden that you're—"

"I'm a criminal."

Your heart drops in your chest.

"You're a what?"

"A criminal."

"W-What...? Why aren't you in a jailhouse? A-Are you sure you're a criminal? Why would they allow you to go to Everland?"

Yoongi nods, laughing bitterly. "It's all a part of the Council's masterplan."

"What the hell are you saying?"

"The Council likes order. They like normal. They can't accept people who are different. They can't possibly house the citizens who would disobey their orders," Yoongi says. "So they ship the different ones off to Everland."

"Because Everland accepts and loves everyone for who they are!"

"No, so they won't be a disgrace to Tagna," Yoongi snorts. "My brother had Aspergers," he continues. "But they didn't find out until way later. He liked the routinely ways of the Council and tried to conform. But he was still different. Social interactions were hard for him—so hard that the Council found out that he's different. The next thing you know, he's shipped off to the hospital so they could 'treat' him and I never saw him again."

"They took him to Everland," you say.

"I know they did. I didn't find out until later," Yoongi says. "Because I invented the drug."

"What??"

"The syringe you use for every patient, right? I invented the serum inside it."

"H-How?"

"What do you mean, how?" Yoongi says. "It made it easier for the Council. Less chaos."

It makes sense. When you were training to be a nurse, everything had been a pilot-run because the transport system had been revamped.

"I didn't think they would use the drug that way..." Yoongi says. "I thought they'd use it on the criminals in the jailhouse..."

"Why would they give that to the criminals in the jailhouse??"

"You and I, Y/N..." Yoongi trails off. He looks into your eyes, almost as if he was pleading you to believe him. "We're murderers."

You stand up from his bed. "What did you say?"

When Yoongi stands up and takes a step towards you, you step backward, nearly stumbling over doing so. "Listen to me very carefully, Y/N," he pleads. "That drug... it stops your vitals."

"No! It puts you to sleep! Then your mind starts to travel across dimensions!"

"Don't you understand?" Yoongi says. He grabs your arm. "Everland is death."

You fall to the floor.

"They burn the bodies in the basement of the hospital," he continues. "You thought Tagna was such an advanced society there was no such thing as death?" He laughs scornfully. "Y/N, the Council believes Tagna is so advanced, it's permitted to kill their own citizens to preserve equality and likeness. And when the neighboring societies attack, they'll release the gas-version of the drug and kill everyone—even the citizens of Tagna if they have to."

"That can't be true..." you whisper. "Yoongi, I can't do this." You bury your face in your hands. "Neighboring societies? A cemetery under the hospital? I've been living under a rock."

"The only society we know the name of is Atna. They're curating a selection of their best and most intelligent citizens to destroy us," Yoongi says. "That's all I know. I helped design the gas serum that would make them drop dead like flies. Until I threatened to quit and release the gas in the Council's chambers."

"You quit because you knew they killed your brother."

"Exactly that," Yoongi says. "See, it isn't so hard to understand. And now I'm here, a threat to society, apparently. After everything I've done for them, too. Even fixed up the suppressant by request..." He pauses, watching you tremble on the floor. He kneels down next to you, patting your back. "Hey... do you believe me?"

"I killed him..." you breathe shakily. "I killed Jimin... And I made it worse by letting him take the suppressant... A-And it reacted badly with the serum... I killed seventy-eight people... Oh, fuck! And I have to kill you!" A broken sob leaves your lips as your huddle into a ball. "You're right, Yoongi. I'm a murderer..."

"You were forced to do it. And you didn't know," Yoongi soothes. "The Council are a bunch of vile fucktards, Y/N. They're the real murderers. Not us."

"What am I going to do?" you sob. "I can't continue on, Yoongi. I want to resign."

"If you resign, they'll kill you too."

"Maybe death... maybe Everland will be better than this," you whisper. "What's the point anymore, Yoongi? When I'm old, they're gonna kill me too."

"Let them. There's no use fighting it. Either way, you'll end up dead. Like me."

"I can help the other citizens of Tagna," you say, wiping away your tears and gritting your teeth. "I can free them from the Council's restraints. Maybe we can leave Tagna altogether and see if there are other societies to live in. You can tell me where they keep the gas! That could be really helpful."

"No, Y/N," Yoongi firmly says. "Let the others live in bliss."

"What?? Why?"

"I don't want to be a hero. Think about how complicated things will be if you were to go against the Council," Yoongi says. "It's not worth it because you'll lose."

"So you're going to let me kill you?"

"Everland is better than Tagna, don't you agree?"

There he goes again, answering your question with another one of his.

"You've accepted your fate."

"I have. You should accept yours too."

"I have no fate," you scoff. "I'm someone the Council chose to become a licensed murderer."

"Your service helps those poor people escape their suffering."

"Yeah, without their permission."

"You shouldn't have declared your assigned partner as a mismatch to the Council," Yoongi sighs. He rubs his forehead in a conflicted way and gives you a sideways look. "I'm leaving in five days, you know. I don't want you to be alone. Mismatched or not, he was your friend."

"Five days..." You run your fingers through your hair. "That's such little time."

"We'll spend it together."

"How?" you challenge. "How would I? I'm not supposed to feel love, Yoongi. They'll notice something suspicious if I'm always here with you."

"They'll think you're being a good nurse," he answers. "Come on, Y/N," he says, taking your hands in his. "As your patient, I demand you stay over with me tonight. The other days... you can do whatever you want. I just... I want your company today."

After everything you learned now, you need Yoongi's presence too.

So you nod, crawling into bed with him. He tells you light-hearted stories of fictional societies that might exist in the barren world until you fall asleep.

You confess.

This morning, when you woke up, you swiftly got out of the hospital bed, swept away Yoongi's bangs from his face and gave him a silent goodbye (you didn't want to wake him) before walking out of the hospital. You go straight to the Council. And you admit you haven't been taking the suppressant. You admit that Jungkook isn't a mismatch as you had thought he was—you were without your suppressant and you weren't thinking straight. You tell them that you deserve whatever consequence they will bestow upon you. That you're sorry (though you aren't). And you regret messing up Jimin's procedure (which is the truth).

They are generous to you. Only because they love you like their daughter. Only because you have such a highly held job.

The Council doubles your suppressant intake and declares your curfew will be stricter. But they will move you back to your original home unit and reassign you to Jungkook. They lie to you. They say he loves you very much. You lie right back to them. You say you love him too.

Then, you bargain with them. You ask if your current patient may have an extension date until their transport, explaining that it's hard for you to convince him that Everland is a paradise. You tell them that he repeatedly tells you that he is afraid of Everland. It's a lie. But the Council will make something of it because they don't know you know the truth. In the end, you manage to convince them to authorize a three-day extension.

Now you have a week left with Yoongi. Less time than you'd like, especially with your stricter curfew. But it's more than what you had before.

Your next step is to apologize to Jungkook, hoping he doesn't take your declaration that you were a mismatch too personally. He is nothing but a victim to you, at this point, you realize. You would never know if he truly loves you or not—only ditching the suppressant altogether would tell. And it's not his fault that you don't love him back.

But the Council must've told Jungkook that you weren't in your right mind when you filed a split with him because he welcomes you back with open arms.

"I missed you," he whispers, tugging you into a tight hug.

"Me too," you say, hugging him tighter. It isn't a lie either. "I'm sorry," you say. "I'm really, really sorry, Jungkook." That's the truth.

"The Council told me what happened. I'm sorry about Jimin's transport, sweetie," he says. "Please don't make me worry again, though." He pulls you back and looks at your face, studying your features with what reflects on his eyes as admiration and care. "Please take your suppressants."

"I will," you tell him.

"They're making me monitor you," Jungkook says. "But just promise me, that you'll take the suppressant."

"I promise."

It's a lie.

Every day, you leave your home unit for work just like any other day in your life. But every day, you pretend to take your two suppressants in front of Jungkook, but when he isn't looking, you crush them, dissolve what's left of them in water and flush the solution down the toilet. And then you spend the rest of the day—up until your curfew—with Yoongi.

The two of you try to pretend everything is normal. When, of course, everything is not. But it helps to imagine everything is all right.

"What if Everland exists?" you whisper, poking at Yoongi's chest as he reads his mystery novel. "And when you die, you actually go to Everland?"

"I'll find out in a couple days for you," Yoongi says, setting down his book and quirking a teasing eyebrow at you.

So much for ignoring his impending death.

"I'm more worried about you after I leave," he says. "Don't you ever wish I never told you about what Everland really was?"

You hum thoughtfully. "I don't know. Haven't thought about it much... I guess I'm a bit peeved you forced all this information on me," you tease. "But I think I like knowing the truth, overall."

"Well, that's a relief," Yoongi grins. "Don't wanna piss off the person who's dealing with my transport."

You shouldn't have, but you laugh. "We're really getting into the dark humor, aren't we?"

"We are," Yoongi agrees. "And we'll continue while it lasts."

"How long do you think it'll be until I meet you in Everland—if it exists?"

"Maybe like what, fifteen? Twenty years later? You're still young, Y/N," Yoongi tells you, poking at your cheeks. "You still have baby fat, love."

"I-I do not!" You flush a brilliant shade of red. Something about Yoongi calling you love... You wish you could cherish this feeling forever. Lock it up somewhere and go back to relive it over and over again.

"It's okay. I like the way you look," he says proudly. "Even if you were ugly—which you aren't—I would still love you. Because—" he pauses dramatically—"love makes you see past physicalities."

"Clearly," you joke, gesturing at Yoongi's face and subsequently earning a playful shove from him.

"Do you think we're doing the right thing, though?" Yoongi suddenly asks. "What if we just... run away?" He hums, grabbing your hand and tugging you to his chest, earning a little yelp from you.

"Run away?" you say in a hushed whisper. "That's preposterous!"

Yoongi laughs. "I know, I'm just joking. Imagine if we ran away only to find a post-apocalyptic world outside of Tagna. What if one of us dies? Then what about the other? Or what if we meet the crazy Atnatians? I was totally joking. To run away would be akin to a death wish. Only more drawn out and torturous."

"Yeah, I figured," you huff, turning your body towards Yoongi to frown at him disapprovingly.

He just snorts. "You didn't sound like you had it figured."

"You are very, very difficult."

"I know," he says. "But sometimes, you are too."

"Hey! You—"

You're cut off when Yoongi pulls you in by the waist for a kiss. It's one of those searing ones, where your whole body tingles at the feeling of his warm lips moving against yours. Your hands helplessly splay against his chest as his free hand caresses your cheek. When he carefully flips you over, your legs sandwiched between his thighs, he pulls away from your lips, a bit breathless and winded. And the moment his softened eyes meet yours, you realize this is more than what it seems—the road to passionate lovemaking. In reality, it is a desperate goodbye.

Before tears can well in your eyes, you tug Yoongi in by gripping the collar of his shirt, crashing your lips on his. You want to forget, but everything becomes a reminder that he will leave you in two days. The way he grips at your thighs, the way he spares extra time to memorize every inch, explore every crevice of your body—it's all painful to digest that this might be the last time... Everything he does to you might be the last. You hate it.

But you have to live in the moment.

There's something about Yoongi's movements tonight that reveals his true feelings. You can feel how much he loves you tonight—not from the butterflies in your stomach, but from Yoongi, himself. It's like he's cherishing the moment, so it can last well in your memories.

The Council likes to preach that equality is what drives society to succeed. Everyone must be equal, dress equally, live equally, even die equally (though that's disguised as a simple transport to Everland)—all to ensure that everyone is satisfied with the justness of the system. You disagree. It is unfair.

You feel wronged. Stripped away from the greatness of the life you could've had. But there is a small part of you that is grateful. If things hadn't turned out the way they had, maybe you would've never felt love. Maybe you would've been stuck in your career unit, working as a slave to the Council as they brain-washed you without knowing the truth. You wouldn't have met Yoongi.

In comparison to the truths you've unveiled and the pure bliss you've felt with Yoongi, it's a small price to pay. In the end, you'll have to transport Yoongi to Everland. And then you will go back on with living your life as a citizen of Tagna. Jungkook will do everything in his power to make you fall in love with him. Maybe you will; maybe you won't. The far future is hazy and thinking of it hurts your head.

You'll figure something out, though. You always do.

Finally, you've accepted your fate.

The procedure room is unbearably cold.

Your hands shake as you pull on your latex gloves, and you have to take deep breaths to steady yourself, to convince your assistants that this is like any other normal transport. Except it's not.

"Why are you more nervous than I am?" Yoongi laughs, sitting up on his elbows on the all too familiar hospital bed.

You turn around and shoot him an ungrateful look. "Stop it," you hiss. "I'm trying to concentrate."

"Yes, nurse," he says sarcastically, saluting to you.

You bite your lip so you won't break out in a grin in front of the assistants. Shaking slightly, you turn to the medical cart where the syringe lies, the needle gleaming at you dangerously. You've touched seventy-eight shots, but you can't seem to grab this one, no matter how hard you try.

Finally, you let out a big sigh. "Can all of you leave, please?" you say. "Sorry, not feeling well today."

Thankfully, your assistants are obedient. There's shuffling as they move out of the room, and soon, it's only you and Yoongi left.

"Alone at last," he says, smiling.

"Not so happy you invented that horrible serum, now are you?" you say, frowning.

Yoongi shrugs. "Depends on the wielder of the serum. In this case, I'm satisfied."

With a huff, you snatch up the syringe and hold it out in front of you. "So this is it, then?"

"I suppose it is, love."

Your heart sinks. "I don't know if I can do this, Yoongi."

"Sure you can," he urges you. He grabs your wrist, pulling you close under the upper half of your thighs hits the edge of the medical bed. "Find the vein, insert the needle and you'll be done."

"It's not as easy as it sounds," you say. You stare at the man, a frown etched on your forehead. "I'm going to miss you."

"I'll miss you too," Yoongi replies. "Come here," he says, pulling you in to plant a sweet kiss on your lips. Something tells you it will be the last one.

"Okay. Okay," you whisper to yourself. "Lemme just find the vein and—" you nearly choke on the heavy feeling at the back of your throat. "I-I just have to insert the needle... press the plunger... Fuck," you curse.

"You can do it. I'll be here, watching you," Yoongi says, giving you a shit-eating grin.

"Thanks. That helps."

"Aren't you going to ask me for my last words, love?"

"No," you say, taking a deep breath and inserting the needle into Yoongi's upper forearm. He doesn't even flinch.

"Why not?" he asks.

"Because," you say in your trembling voice as you begin to press on the plunger, slowly and carefully. "Because," you repeat, "I don't want you to say the lasting line. It's bullshit."

"I had another line in mind."

"Really?" you say. When the plunger doesn't move further, you close your eyes in shock, even disbelief. You fumble to stop the blood from seeping out, quickly cleaning the mess with an alcohol swab and taping a cotton ball to the small wound. There is care laced in your actions, and your fingers linger on his arm.

"Yeah," Yoongi answers, his voice softening. His eyes begin to droop as the serum begins to work on his body. "I love you, Y/N."

"Oh, Yoongs..." you let out a choked sob, grabbing his hand. "Please don't—"

"I'm not done yet," he manages to breathe. He tries to look into your eyes, attempting to grin at you, but his lips don't move at his will. "F-For you and for me..." he trails off. "Because..." he takes a short pause to swallow, "E-Everland is bullshit a-and 'us' should only c-consist of... of y-you and... me."

"Yoongi..." you whisper, squeezing his hand. "I love you too. For you and for me... Yoongi?"

And when there is no sarcastic response, you know he is gone.

Except he's not traveling through dimensions to get to Everland. He's dead. And you don't know what happens when you die.

You can't bear to look at him. So you let go of his hand, turning your back to his body. On cue, your assistants flood into the room. You duck your head to wipe your tears and let them roll his unconscious body out of the room. When you get a short glimpse of his face, you find that there's a faint smile on his lips. You exhale a breath you didn't know you were holding.

As long as he was happy...

And with the way he was cracking jokes just seconds before his death proved a lot. If Yoongi is—was—okay with it, then so are you.

You bid him a final goodbye in your head.

Something switches inside you. A boiling, bubbling feeling. You can’t quite describe it, but it’s intense, making your body tingle from head to toe.

With vehement steps, you walk out of the hospital and straight into the Council. Standing before the Council members, you smile at them angelically.

"Good afternoon, Y/N," they chorus.

"Good afternoon, Council," you say.

"What are you here for today?" one of them inquires.

You look at him, "With all due respect, sir, I just want to have a little wish granted."

"A wish?" another member says incredulously.

"Yoongi. Formerly held a career in unit 38. Deceased. Don't burn his body in the basement under the hospital. Bury him, please. Properly. Give him a coffin and a tombstone and everything. He's done a lot to advance Tagna hasn't he? It's the least you can do."

And before any of the Council members can react, you march away, down the streets and into your home unit.

Confronting the Council and demanding justice from them felt refreshing. Your suggestion might actually be taken, or you might be taken to the jailhouse. You're not sure which. But whatever it is, it won't matter. All you can do now is wait until your time of death comes.

"Y/N? Sweetie?"

Jungkook.

"How was the transport?" your assigned partner says, rushing to greet you with a hopeful smile on his face. "The Council told me they gave him an extension for his transport date because he was so nervous. Did it go well?"

You smile. "Yeah... It was... good. Peaceful. Eye-opening, too."

"That's great!" Jungkook exclaims. "Did he say the lasting line?"

I love you, Y/N. For you and for me. Because Everland is bullshit and 'us' should only consist of you and me.

The saddest... but most content part of your life in just three sentences. Tears begin to well up in your eyes, but a small smile stretches across your lips from the memory. "No, he didn't say it."

"O-Oh," Jungkook says. He awkwardly stares at you in blatant confusion, wondering why you are crying profusely while smiling. He wonders if starting to take the suppressant again messed with your sanity. Jungkook's brows furrow as he begins to worry again. "Y/N..."

"No," you say, shaking your head adamantly. "He said something better than that."

Something true. Not some bullshit line like for us and for Everland.

It feels good to admit to something so genuine. Your grin grows wider.

Yoongi would be proud of you for not being so... so, ersatz. And he's up there somewhere—maybe in your head—nagging at you, teasing you. You'll count down the days until you'll be able to follow him there.

But for now, it's for you and for me, Yoongi.

—masterpost

—masterlist

[bellakitse]

Omg please either “Wait, the tears are good tears?” or “I let you win” whichever inspires you more or you haven’t gotten yet. Thank you!!

We were meant for one another, come a little closer

TK stares at him, mouth open, and Carlos can’t help but stare back as his heart pounds loudly in his ears. He feels naked, like every feeling he’s been hiding from TK for so long is now on the surface for him to see.

*

Carlos and TK are best friends and roommates. When TK comes home from a failed date, it reveals long-time hidden feelings.

30 days of Tarlos - Day 23

Carlos is in the middle of scooping out some Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream into a bowl when his roommate and best friend comes through their apartment door, slamming it as he goes.

“Hey,” he greets him. Checking the time on the microwave, he frowns when he sees that it’s only 8:15. “I thought you had a date with that guy you met at the coffee shop last week,” he questions, turning around to face TK, he finds him scowling. “Oh-oh, what happened?”

TK exhales loudly as he takes off his jacket in a jerking motion that confirms his annoyance. “Well, let’s see,” he starts as he looks at him, placing his hands on his hips. “We can start with him trying to flirt with the waiter after he ordered for me without even asking what I wanted,” he tells him, nodding in agreement when Carlos cringes. He hates when guys do that Alpha male bullshit too.

“Or,” TK continues with an angry fake smile. “We can move on to the conversation portion of the evening that included the words, MAGA, and build the wall.”

“Oof,” Carlos winces one more time. “That’s gross.”

“Exactly!” TK growls, right before deflating.

Carlos watches as TK walks over to the couch, dropping down on it with a defeated groan as he covers his face with his arms. He looks down at his bowl of ice cream for a moment, grabbing an extra spoon before making his way over to the couch and his friend. He sits down next to TK silently, pressing his knee against his in support.

TK drops his arms from his face, and Carlos hates how defeated he looks when he turns to him.

“He seemed so nice at the coffee shop,” TK says with a shake of his head. “Charming and funny. Instead, from the moment he picked me up, it was all a nightmare. How do I keep getting this so wrong?”

“You’re not getting anything wrong,” Carlos argues, instantly getting a snort of disbelief in return.

“No?” TK chuckles humorlessly; he holds up his hand to count off on his fingers. “My last date spent the night telling me how hot my dad is. The guy before that thought that buying me a steak dinner intitled him to a blow job, and the guy before that turned out to have a girlfriend and was just using me as his gay experiment.”

TK looks over at him; his green eyes etched with pain and defeat. “The common denominator in all those dates is me. So, obviously, I’m the problem.”

“The only common denominator is that every one of those guys are assholes,” Carlos argues strongly, upset that he even has to explain this.

TK has been his friend since they were both rookies, him with the police department, and TK with the fire department. They met on a call, instantly hitting it off while dealing with a massive car pile-up. The attraction between them had been electric, and that very night, after running into each other at the local bar, they had ended up making out in Carlos’ car with their hands down each other’s pants. It could have been the beginning of something, but TK was coming off a bad breakup, and instead of needing a rebound or a boyfriend, he needed a friend, and that’s what Carlos had become.

Three years later, Carlos doesn’t regret it; he loves his friendship with TK, especially now that they’re roommates. He loves coming home knowing there is someone he cares about waiting after a long hard day, even if it’s just platonic.

Really.

Okay, so maybe he dies a little on the inside when TK goes on these failed dates, and perhaps he has to bite down on his tongue until he tastes blood to keep from asking for another shot when he finds himself sitting on the couch with his friend like right now, listening about how bad TK’s date turned out.

He’s never said anything before, and he doesn’t say anything now; instead, he pushes the melting ice cream towards TK, his insides fluttering when TK gives him a soft smile in return.

“Thanks,” TK says quietly as he takes a spoonful of the sugary goodness. Carlos feels his stomach clench when he lets out a soft happy moan around the spoon in his mouth. “So good.”

“Yeah,” Carlos gets out, his mouth going dry as TK licks the ice cream off the utensil.

They eat their ice cream in comfortable silence, leaning further and further into each other’s space. They battle it out over the last bite, laughing like idiots as they duel with their spoons.

“Ha, victory!” TK shouts, grinning happily as he eats the last bit of ice cream.

“I let you win,” he grumbles, unable to stop his own smile when it makes TK laugh again.

It trails off into a soft chuckle, TK leans his head back on the couch, looking over at him with gentle green eyes. “You always make me feel better,” he tells him, his voice low and soft. “Thank you, Carlos.”

Carlos nods, licking his lips nervously, feeling awkward from the way TK’s obvious affection for him makes him yearn for more.

“You’re welcome,” he says just as quiet, he takes a steadying breath before he continues. “Listen, Ty, forget about the idiot tonight, and the idiots that came before him.”

“I know,” TK sighs out sadly. “I just – “

“No, listen,” Carlos interrupts him, he sits up straight and places the empty bowl on the coffee table before taking TK’s hands in his. “Listen to me, okay? You, TK Strand, are amazing.”

TK scoffs at him, but Carlos can see the beginnings of a blush on his face.

“You are,” he insists, squeezing TK’s hand. “You’re brave, and kind, TK. You care so much about everyone and everything around you. You want to save the world, and you love so fiercely. You are so good, Ty. You’ve just had a bad string of luck, but you’re going to find someone that loves you as you deserve, I promise,” he tells him, swallowing hard, trying not to show how much it hurts to think of TK with someone else for real, loving them the only way TK knows how. With everything he has.

“Carlos – “ TK whispers with a slow exhale, his eyes wide as he stares at him in awe. Their faces are so close, Carlos can feel the small puffs of air across his skin.

“You’re amazing, sweetheart,” he tells him again. “You have to know that.”

TK stares at him, mouth open, and Carlos can’t help but stare back as his heart pounds loudly in his ears. He feels naked, like every feeling he’s been hiding from TK for so long is now on the surface for him to see.

He tracks TK as he moves closer, and yet he still gasps when he presses his mouth against his. They stay frozen for a moment, lips touching as neither of them dares to even breathe. Finally, TK, braver than he’ll ever be, moves, he runs the tip of his tongue over Carlos’ bottom lip, pulling another shocked gasp out from deep in his chest. TK makes a sound of his own; it’s needy as he presses his mouth against his, harder and more insistent.

Carlos reacts on instinct; he’s been dreaming for years of kissing TK again. He opens his mouth, his stomach clenching as TK makes a pleased sound, almost a purr, as he slips his tongue into Carlos’ mouth, flicking it against his.

TK shifts closer, getting up halfway from the couch only to drop back down, his knees on either side of Carlos as he straddles him before sitting on his lap. Carlos moans, his hands grabbing at TK’s hips blindly before pushing his hips up, thrusting is rapidly growing hard-on against TK’s.

“Fuck, Carlos,” TK gasps, breaking the kiss, his hands now clenching his curls, gripping them hard, and Carlos finds himself tilting his head back when TK pulls on them. He lets out a broken groan at how good it feels as he helplessly rubs against TK, the desire to come in his pants strong.

“You feel so good, baby,” TK whispers hotly against his mouth. He pulls Carlos’ bottom lip between his teeth and sucks on it in a way that makes Carlos see stars. It throbs pleasantly when he lets go. “Why the hell have I been wasting my time on bad dates?” he asks teasingly before kissing him softly.

Carlos freezes at TK’s words, it feels like a bucket of ice-cold water has been thrown on him. TK must feel him go tense all over because he stops instantly. Pulling back, he gives him a concerned look as he hovers over him.

“Carlos?” he questions worried. “Are you okay?”

Carlos shakes his head quickly, with his hands on TK’s hips; he softly pushes him back until TK is no longer in his lap. He stands, feeling his hand shake as he brings it up to his mouth, wiping away at the wonderful taste that is TK Strand.

“You don’t want this,” he starts, closing his eyes at the sting he feels behind them as he says the words out loud. “You’re upset about your bad date,” he continues, forcing himself to look at TK, his heart breaking at having what he wants so close and yet so far away. “I’m not going to take advantage of that no matter how much I want you.”

He looks down at his feet, willing the tears back.

“How much I always want you,” he whispers mostly to himself, he feels his face go red with embarrassment and sadness as TK takes in a sharp breath.

“Carlos – “ he starts softly, his green eyes looking at him with distress. “I –“

“You don’t have to say anything,” he stops him, mustering up a fake smile. “This was just a fluke. You needed something to make you feel better after tonight. Luckily we didn’t do something that you would regret in the morning,” he continues. He takes a step back when TK opens his mouth again, a severe frown on his face. “Let’s just forget about it and call it a night.”

“Carlos – “ TK tries again, his frown growing when he tries to take a step towards him, and Carlos’ takes a step back.

“Good night, TK,” he tells him before turning around. He doesn’t turn back as he heads for his room, he can’t bear to look at TK right now with his mouth swollen and tingling from their kisses. If he does, there is a good chance that he’ll get on his knees and beg his friend to love him the way he loves him.

 ֍֍֍

Carlos can’t sleep, he’s tossed and turned all night, reliving what happened in the living room hours ago.

He hears TK moving around the apartment while he hides in his room, he’s relieved and disappointed when he doesn’t knock on his door.

Flashes of their moment play behind his eyelids. TK’s mouth, the feel, and taste of it, his body pressed against Carlos, molding to him like he was the matching piece to make Carlos complete. He sighs in frustration as he gets out of bed; there is no point in trying to sleep; it’s not going to happen tonight.

He changes into running clothes and grabs his shoes from his closet before making his way out of his room quietly. Only to stop short when he reaches the living room and finds TK sitting there with the TV on mute, and only a side table lamp on, leaving the room in shadows.

TK looks over at him when he hears him, his expression miserable, and it makes Carlos’ heart squeeze painfully, hating that he’s responsible for that look on his face.

“You only go for midnight runs when you’re upset,” TK says quietly, taking in the running shoes in his hands.

“I can’t sleep,” he answers awkwardly.

TK nods, sadly. “Because I hurt you,” he sniffs, and if Carlos’ heart hurt before, now it feels like it’s breaking.

“No, Ty – “ Carlos starts, only to stop when TK shoots off the couch.

“Wait, let me speak first,” TK asks, pleading. “Please, afterwards, whatever you want to say, or whatever you want me to do, whether that’s moving out or not, I’ll do it.”

“Move out?” Carlos questions, his voice cracking, and heart racing at the suggestion. “I don’t want you to move out, TK.”

“Let me speak, and then we’ll see if you still think that,” TK gives him a humorless smile. “Please sit.”

Carlos does as TK asks, his heart still beating funny, his palms sweating with nervousness, he doesn’t know what TK wants to say, all he knows is that he can’t let him move out over this. Whatever happens, he can’t bear the thought of losing TK completely.

“Okay, first,” TK starts as he paces back and forth in front of him, his eyes wild when he stops to look at him. “I need you to believe me when I say that what happened earlier had nothing to do with my lousy date. That jerk was the farthest thing from my mind when I kissed you.”

“TK – “ Carlos says gently, only to jerk back when TK answers with a firm ‘No.’

“No,” he repeats. “If you believe nothing else, I need you to believe that. When I kissed you, the only thing going through my head was you, and how badly I wanted to kiss you,” TK looks at him, even in the half-lit room, he can see his green eyes, bright and earnest.

“And then when we kissed Carlos,” TK pauses, letting out a sigh almost to himself. “All I could think was, finally. I have waited so long to kiss you again.”

Carlos feels his breath catch in his throat at TK’s confession, his pulse racing as the first trickles of hope flicker in his belly. “What do you mean finally?” he asks, unable to keep that hope out of his voice.

TK comes over to sit down next to him, and Carlos turns to face him, his hands itching to reach out and touch him when he looks at him nervously.

“Went we met years ago, we started out so freaking hot,” TK reminds him, and he finds himself blushing from the memory and the small smirk on TK’s lips.

“But I was a mess from my shitty breakup, and you were just so nice and understanding that I couldn’t make you my rebound. It wouldn’t have been fair to you. So instead you became my friend, my best friend, Carlos,” TK stresses strongly. “You helped me get over it, giving me a shoulder to cry on, being supportive every step of the way.”

“I just wanted you to be okay,” he whispers, getting a beautiful smile back from TK.

“With your friendship, I was better than okay,” TK says softly, he hesitantly reaches out for his hand, letting out a breath when Carlos takes it. “I was finally happy again,” he smiles.

Carlos smiles back, a little shaky at his words.

“But by the time that happened, and I realized I was ready for more,” TK pauses, licking his lips. “When I realized I wanted more. We were already such good friends; it felt like I had missed my shot to turn us into something else.”

TK exhales softly; he looks down at their hands and gives his a squeeze.

“So,” he says slowly, dragging out the word. “All of this is to say that we can do whatever you want, you’re in charge, Carlos,” TK looks back up at him, and Carlos is blown away by all the emotions he finds swirling in his green eyes. “If you want to forget this whole night, I’ll never speak of it again. If you need space and need me to leave, I’ll do that too, whatever you want. But please, please, don’t think for one second that I was using you to forget someone else, because that couldn’t be further from the truth.”

Carlos looks at TK, takes in his nervous expression, and the way he bites down on his bottom lip as he watches him.

Waiting for his answer, whatever it might be, he knows TK will do whatever it takes to make sure he’s okay, even if it breaks his own heart, and Carlos wonders how he was blessed to love someone so kind.

“I’m in love with you,” he says, and for once, Carlos’ heart isn’t racing. It’s steady with the sureness of his feelings. “I have loved you for years, TK, so the last thing I want from you is space.”

“Carlos, I – “ TK starts, his voice trembling, but the watery smile on his face is bright, and probably the most beautiful thing Carlos has ever seen. “I love you too.”

“I figured,” he answers teasingly, the laugh TK lets out is like magic.

“So,” he continues as he reaches up to cup TK’s face, his stomach fluttering when TK turns his head to kiss the inside of his palm. “You asked me what I want. Well, what I want is for you to kiss me like earlier and never stop,” he says with a grin, feeling the flutter turn into a clench as TK licks his lips, his eyes darkening with want. “Think you can do that?”

TK takes his hand off his face before pushing him back into the couch as he stands. Carlos holds his breath when TK straddles him again, pressing his body against his until there isn’t an inch of space between them. His body reacting instantly to the feel of TK already half-hard against him.

“Yeah, baby,” TK says as he closes the gap between them, his lips brushing over his as he speaks. “I can absolutely do that.”