#how long until I can't do anything anymore but cry and think awful things about myself

[yamujiburo]

Here's an arc I thought about doing but won't do because, it'd be a bit too sad and also it's too similar to the Turing Point Arc I already did and also it would be long. But I'll write it here for you angst enjoyers. This ended up being longer than I thought.

Despite getting the "okay" from Ash to date Jessie, Delia still worries that she's not doing the right thing or being a bad mom. Up until now she'd convinced herself that she had the right to be selfish for once after knowing only sacrifice and putting herself last.

Jessie and Ash, while not as antagonistic towards each other, still go at it. A Pikachu zap here, an angry "twerp" being uttered there. The guilt settles in for Delia and figures that it's best to just cut things off before things potentially get worse or before she gets too attached to Jessie. Her son comes first after all. That's what she signed up for when becoming a parent.

She sits Jessie down, eyes watery (it's the first time Jessie's ever seen Delia come close to crying). Delia says she thinks they should end things. Jessie is stunned but accepts it quickly. She sucks it up in the moment, puts a resigned smile on her face and tells Delia she'll leave immediately and not to worry about her. Delia's also broken up about it but promised herself she'd never cry over a goodbye and she wasn't gonna start now.

Jessie goes to James and Meowth's place greeted similarly to this, lightly teasing her about blowing it with Delia, and she breaks down sobbing. Oops it's real this time. James and Meowth do everything in their power to make her feel better. They let her know that things like this happen and they're ready to go wherever she wants to go (knowing that it'd likely be to painful for her to stay in Pallet). As much as she wants to leave, she doesn't want James and Meowth to lose the good thing they have going. She's not in the right headspace to make any decisions so she'll get to it later.

Ash returns home after doing a little training at Oak's lab. He notices Jessie's not around and asks his mom where she is. Delia is about to tell him but can't quite bring herself to say the truth out loud yet. She simply says "I don't know". Ash looks disappointed. "Aw man, I wanted to see if she wanted to battle. She makes a good battle buddy for all of my newer, baby Pokémon." Delia perks up that this. As quickly as he came, he leaves again to go train his Pokémon.

Later, Delia approaches Ash, asking him if he really meant that what he said about Jessie being a good battle partner. He gives her an enthusiastic "yeah!" and tells her that it's been nice having another battle ready trainer around since there's not many in Pallet. Delia starts to pry a little more. "I thought you and Jessie didn't get along?" Ash is confused, and tells Delia they get along great! "Jessie doesn't steal anymore! And she's getting better at battling which is cool." Delia brings up that she's head them argue before. "Oh... well I guess that's just how we are. I'd be weirded out if she was suddenly too nice to me all the time. Jessie's actually a lot like Misty. But taller!" This gives Delia a lot to think about but what's done is done and it's no use pressing on. It's easier this way.

The next morning Delia's getting ready for work. She must not have noticed that she was acting weird but Ash picks up on it. "What's wrong mom?" Delia's shocked he noticed (he's not usually this perceptive). She tells him it's nothing and that she just slept bad. "Hm. But Jessie says that when you're upset you get really quiet and intense." Delia notices that she was pretty intensely mixing the pancake batter. "Jessie told you that?" Ash nods. "Hey speaking of, where is Jessie? Haven't seen her since yesterday." Delia stops mixing and tells Ash that she and Jessie aren't together anymore. Ash is confused and upset at the idea of Jessie doing something that would hurt his mom enough for them to break up. Delia lets him know that Jessie didn't do anything like that and that them breaking up was just for the best. But Ash questions this, pointing out that he's never seen Delia as happy as she was when Jessie was there and also how Delia looks really sad now. Delia can't argue with that but then tells him that it's complicated. Ash, to Delia's surprise, looks a bit disappointed. He's bummed he wasn't able to say goodbye first and asks if she thinks Jessie would still be willing to come by and train with him sometimes. Delia asks him once more if he was really okay with her and Jessie dating. "Yeah I thought I said that already? Jessie's pretty cool when she's not being evil. And she really likes Pokémon which is a plus!" Such simple criteria. Delia's now worried that she might've made a mistake. She finishes making breakfast and heads to work.

At the restaurant she's met by James. She can feel an awkwardness hanging in the air. She knows that James knows. Before she can say anything James tells Delia thank you for employing him and helping him, Meowth and Jessie get back on their feet but that he's going to quit working at the restaurant and that they'll likely be leaving Pallet soon. Delia's heart sinks. There's now a ticking clock and she has to decide what she wants to do SOON. She asks James where Jessie is. James hesitantly tells her that she's at his and Meowth's place. Delia pleads with James to work the restaurant for one more day at least and to cover this shift. She has to go talk to Jessie. He agrees, hoping that this is a good thing.

Delia runs to James and Meowth's place. She knocks on the door upon arrival and waits. It takes a moment but she hears the door unlock. Jessie opens the door, disheveled, tears and snot all over her face, draped in a blanket. Jessie notices it's Delia and, frightened, slams the door. Delia's stunned for a moment and goes to knock on the door again but before she can the door opens. This time Jessie's tears are gone, her hair's fixed and she ditched the blanket. "Oh hey, Delia! What brings you here?" Delia can't help but be charmed. But this is serious. She shakes it off and asks if they could talk. Jessie invites her in. They get to the couch and Jessie starts frantically cleaning up all the crumpled tissues and dirty dishes off the ground. "Heh I caught a cold yesterday. A one day cold. I'm fine now." Delia doesn't call out the obvious lie and gets straight to the point.

She tells Jessie that she's worried she made a mistake. She made a panicked decision that she was hoping would protect Ash and her future self. But now realizes that she was afraid of the idea that she'd made a selfish decision by dating her. It was a selfish decision but that didn't mean it was a bad one. She was the happiest she'd been, Jessie and Ash were learning to get along and were getting along much better than she'd though. She acknowledges that Jessie has been there for Ash in a way that she can't quite be and is also grateful to her for managing to keep Ash home a little longer. She asks if Jessie would be willing to take her back (despite the distress she caused). Jessie starts sobbing with happy tears. She tearfully says she'll try even harder to get along with Ash and be a better person. Delia reassures her that she's doing just fine.

They kiss passionately but then realize it's weird that they're making out in James in Meowth's place and say they'll continue later. Delia tells Jessie to head back home and that Ash is looking forward to battling with her (and she also needs to let James and Meowth not to quit their jobs).

The end~

[mikareo]

౨ৎ⋆ ˚｡⋆ midnight love ⠀ ꒰ . . geto suguru x gn reader ꒱ . . . word count; 0.7k

⊹ ⠀⠀ heartbreak is a cycle. over, and over, and over again.

contains; geto suguru x gn reader, angst, geto dumped you and you can't get over it, mentions abandonment and attachment issues, lots of reader insecurities, womp womp author's note; hey ! XD

"you really can't be calling me at this hour anymore." suguru's voice is faint. he's likely just woken up from a deep slumber, probably dreaming of something far more interesting and attractive than you are, but that isn't a dream that you'd like to picture. he did this to you.

sometimes, he needs to see what your nightmares look like.

"i'm sorry, it's just that i've been thinking about everything again." clearing your throat, you can't help but notice that your voice can't stop shaking. get a grip of yourself. you're embarrassing. "i feel like we made a mistake. it's not crazy to try things again; we know what went wrong so let's just fix it this time. right? we can be even better this time around."

you know the hopefulness slipping from your tongue is something that suguru has grown to hate. he hates the guilt that it makes him feel. he hates the reminders of a time where he was so madly in love with you that he couldn't imagine sleeping through one of your sporadic phone calls in the middle of the night. he hates how it reminds him how hard you sobbed when he said those three little words. not 'i love you'...but 'let's break up'.

he hates that it makes him regret things.

so instead, he forces you to bottle it all up.

"i'm not interested anymore, i've told you that." the sound of your poorly mended heart shattering once more is far too familiar. "seriously, we crashed and burned so let's just leave it at that."

this is the third time he's said these words. the first being an hour after he dumped you over the phone, when you called him back amidst uncontrollable sobs and he didn't seem to care all that much. the second being a month after what would've been your first anniversary together, to which he was careless with your heart as you poured it out to him on his doorstep. now, the third, where it's been a whole three months since your untimely break up and your sleep has been lost to you for yet another night.

...and he still doesn't care.

he doesn't care about you.

he doesn't care at all.

why doesn't he care?

"suguru, please." it's pathetic to beg, but what else can you do? "i love you. i want to be with you and i'm willing to do anything to make it work. c'mon, work with me, here." just say yes. just say yes and maybe you'll smile again.

he takes a deep breath. you can count down the seconds until he exhales.

three.

you envision a scenario where he bolts from his bed, frantically grabs his jacket, and drives straight to your house. his hand hovers over the front door, ready to knock, when you fling it open and then fling yourself into his arms. suguru laughs at your eagerness, gently gripping your face beneath your jaw and kissing you tenderly. god, it's been so long since you felt his kisses. you could cry from the overwhelming happiness in your heart. the overwhelming joy that he never fails to make you feel when he's truly and completely in love with you, too.

two.

you recall one of your favorite dreams, one just a few nights ago, where suguru had never broken up with you in the first place. in fact, he thinks the mere thought is comically funny. he'd never ends things. you're the best thing that's ever happened to him and he never fails to tell you that at every hour of the day. he's the perfect boyfriend. he's the ideal husband. he's the man that you've been wishing for for your entire life...but he really is just that. he's a dream.

one.

"i don't love you anymore."

oh...

oh.

you wish this were a scenario. you wish you were sleeping. you wish he could've said anything other than those awful words, but this is reality. dreams don't reflect reality. dreams aren't real. his love for you isn't real. he doesn't love you. he doesn't want you. he doesn't need you. give up. give up. stop making a fool of yourself.

"but i love you."

pathetic.

you're pathetic.

the sigh he exhales is pitiful.

he's so obviously aware of how clingy you've become in your lonesome life that he's not even surprised by your behavior. he's not surprised by your confession. it's almost as if he expected it. he knows your flaws. he knows your stance on abandonment...on attachment...on absence. he knows you can't possibly function in a world without him...

...and he hangs up.

⋆⋆⋆⠀ ⠀thank you for reading! reblogs are greatly appreciated!

[emeritus-fuckers]

hiii, this request may be hard, but i've been having a hard time dealing with trauma lately, remembering things in the past, so i wanted to ask for some papas and seestor with an s/o who has been sa'd. thank you in advance💗

Hi, please don't worry about the request being hard. This blog is a safe space. And if we can provide you any comfort at all, we will try our best. - Nosferatu

Papas and Sister Imperator SA comfort headcanons

TW: mentions of sexual assault. cannibalism for young Imperator.

Primo (he/him)

He knows. Even before you tell him anything, he can tell from how you're acting. But, of course, he doesn't pressure you, only telling you that if you ever need to talk about anything at all, he will never even think about judging you.

And once you do come to him, he offers you a seat in the comfiest amrchair imaginable and a cup of tea he made himself.

He doesn't rush you. He understands it takes time. And he gives it to you.

Once you start talking, he listens. He doesn't interrupt you. You need time. And he gives you all the time you need.

He'll ask if you're okay with him touching you right now. If you agree, he's gonna hold you tightly until you tell him to let go.

If you don't want to be touched, he'll offer you a plushie he once got on tour instead.

He'll speak softly to you, reminding and assuring you that none of what happened was your fault.

He offers you a few meetings with a really good therapist so you can handle your issues with a professional. He waits outside the room while you have your appointments.

He doesn't look at you differently, he loves you just as much and he will be beside you as long as you need. Take all the time you need to heal. He shall be there, offering support.

Secondo (he/him)

"Amore, tell me." His tone loving but firm. He knows something is wrong, but he didn't want to push you to open. Now you are there eyes red from crying and he just can't watch anymore, he wants to help.

He sits across from you, paints removed and completely serious. "You can trust me with whatever it is." He pauses for a second "if you want to, that is.."

So you tell him. You notice Secondo clench his fist slightly. He makes a mental note to go with his Ghouls and deal with this person. He takes a breath, knowing that soon that person will never hurt you again, and then relaxes. He looks at you with such love and sincerity. "You did not deserve that. You must understand I am angry at the person who did this to you. Never you. I am so sorry that happened to you."

He asks a few questions so he knows how to help you best. "I will help you heal, I promise you amore, no matter how dark the bad times are, I will always be there. We will make the best of the good days yes?"

He also offers to get you the best therapist, but thats totally up to you and on your terms, the offer is always there.

He will take you away on peaceful holidays, if that helps, to your favourite places in the world.

Or he will just stay with you at home and be there for you. If you want to be hugged he will hold you close to him. His embrace feels safe, you know he will protect you and be there for you.

Terzo (he/they)

Terzo is no stranger to trauma and how its effects can linger. He understands it is a long process to heal, some never do heal completely. So when you come to him while struggling with the effects of trauma, he offers his ear if you would like to talk about it.

If you are open to telling them about what is haunting your mind, they will soften immediately. Listening closely to your story and what happened that horrible day. Sitting close and keeping his eyes on you, so you know you have his full attention.

“I am... so incredibly sorry you had to experience such an awful person dolcezza... you deserved so much better than to be taken advantage of like that. May I hug you?”

They will hold you if you’re open to being held in the moment, promising that he will help however you allow him too. He will gently ask questions about any signs he needs to watch for so he knows when to use what kind of help. Some situations you will want to be hugged and touched, but they’re aware in some that might do more harm than good.

He will support you in every possible way on your healing journey…and if the person or people who hurt you so randomly go missing?

He has no knowledge of where they might have gone…none at all.

Copia (he/him)

He can tell something's wrong. But he's not sure how to approach it without making you uncomfortable.

And so, he comes up with a brilliant plan that can't go wrong.

He writes you a sweet note about how much he loves you and how he's always on your side, no matter what.

He then gives one of his rats the mission of delivering the note to you. Said rat stays with you as emotional support as you tear up at the note.

You meet him that same evening an cling to him, sobbing as you tell him what happened.

He's absolutely heartbroken that something so terrible could ever happen to you. Or to anyone, honestly.

He's not exactly sure what he's doing, but he does his very best to organize a nice, safe environment for you.

He tries to offer you simple yes or no choices.

Would you like a snack? Would you like a drink? Would you like to watch your comfort movie with him? Would you like him to hold you? Would you prefer he gives you some space?

He asks around for therapist recommendations and tries to get you an appointment with the best one if you agree.

He's gonna do everything he can to make sure you feel safe and loved. Because you are.

Old Nihil (he/him)

Unlike his younger self he doesn't wait for you to go to him about it.

He can see your pain, Nihil completely adores you and he wants to help you heal.

He knows now to just talk to you about it. He'll never push you to tell him but he does ask you if you are okay, if you need to talk.

Which you do. He'll hold you if you want him too but he also knows that may not help things at all, so he takes his lead from you.

He listens to you talk and nods to show he is listening.

He doesn't ask or push, he just lets you tell him whatever you are comfortable telling him. "It's okay, you can let it all out... whatever you need my love."

"I will do whatever I can, you have me now" He smiles such a warm loving smile. Something about him, the calming smell of incense allows you to relax slightly. You know that for all everyone just sees Nihil as a man way past his prime, you know the real him. This man loves you, he will protect you and he will burn the world down just to save you.

He does all he can to help with your healing, he goes for walks with you, or just spends time with you while you each do your own thing. Everything he can to show that you that aren't alone in this.

Young Nihil (he/him)

It takes you a while to open up to him, you can see how wild he is and how he solves his problems with drinking and parties and so on.

So you just assume he won't be able to help.

But one night you can't deal with it by yourself anymore. You tell him that you need him, that you have to tell him about something. Nihil just nods, he had a feeling something was wrong, he just didn't know how to approach you about it back then. He's terrified of making things worse.

He sits you down on the sofa and sits next you "I know you're suffering, I can see it. C'mon, babe, tell me whats wrong?"

You start to open up to him and Nihil falls silent so you can talk. His expression surprises you, one of total understanding and empathy. While his trauma was of a different kind he can understand the scars it leaves behind and he is actually very empathetic when it comes to those he loves.

"I'm here for you, just tell me what I can do. Babe none of this is your fault, I'm so sorry you had to go through that" He holds out his hip flask and you shake your head and he nods understanding you heal in your way. "I swear to you, whatever I can do to help I will but please don't feel like you have to keep stuff from me. I'm in this with you babe, I'm always going to be here for you." He holds his hand out for yours. He won't be offended at all if you don't take it, he understands, but if you do he'll give it a tight squeeze.

Young Sister Imperator (she/her)

She will have her ghouls hunt down whoever did it to you. Orders them to bring that monster's head, heart and whatever body parts they used to assault you with.

Keeps the head hidden away in her office as a trophy. Burns whatever they touched you with. And the heart? She eats it in a stew served on the bed of mashed cauliflower with a side of roasted brussel sprouts. Usually she eats beef hearts this way, but she's willing to use a different kind of meat if needed.

Her ghouls get to eat the rest of the body while she comforts you. She stays with you, even if it means her work piling up. You'll watch movies, if you'd like. Or listen to music while either cuddling or sitting together in bed.

She'll read to you, let you hold your head in her lap as she plays with your hair, soothing you to sleep.

She's not the best at comforting, but she'll be there for you and do everything in her power to give you what you need.

Old Sister Imperator (she/her)

She reacts in a slightly less murderous way than she would in her youth. When she was younger, she wanted the assaulter done first and foremost. As she got older, she became more calculated and less impulsive. The person who did this to you still dies, of course, but she spends more time with you first.

She asks you if there's anything specific you need and will recommend you the best therapists available.

She follows your lead on how close she gets and whether or not she gets to hold you. The last thing she wants to do is to stress you out.

She makes sure to organize a safe space for you. Pillows, blankets, your favorite snacks and drinks, all of it.

She only allows a handpicked group of trusted Ghouls or Siblings near you if she absolutely has to leave. But if she can do anything to stay with you, she will.

She won't get too close if you don't want her to. But she will be in the room if you need her.

She has your favorite music or movies playing for you.

If you ask her to hold you, she'll keep you in her arms like the most precious treasure. She gives very secure hugs.

~

Papas I, IV and Sister Imperator written by Nosferatu.

Papa III written by Death.

Papa II and Papa Nihil written by Nyx.

Due to the subject of the post we've decided not to include the taglist or color-coding this post.

[frickingnerd]

words that never reached you

pairing: katsuki bakugou x gn!reader

summary: after failing the license exam, you want to give up on being a hero. but bakugou believes there's still one reason for you to stay at UA... him!

tags: hurt with an attempt at comfort, angst (reader wants to leave ua), confession (bakugou to reader), use of y/n, bit of swearing, bakugou spilling out his whole heart, open ending

you had failed as a hero. 

after training so hard, you failed the license exam. this was it, the end of your career as a hero, before it even had begun. maybe you weren't made for this. maybe your quirk didn't work for a hero. maybe you should've tried your luck as a member of the support faculty. maybe you would have succeeded there. but now it was too late to change things. without a license, you couldn't continue to attend UA. you'd never be able to take part in an internship without a license and you'd always be left behind. you'd always be the one out of class 1A who failed to obtain her license…

while the other students were celebrating their victories, unaware that you had failed to obtain your hero license, you were alone in your dorm room, packing your things. if you'd hurry up, maybe you could finish packing everything by tonight and have your parents pick you up, before anyone even realizes you were gone. 

though there was a certain hotheaded blonde boy that you didn't factor into the equation, who showed up at your room unannounced…

"oi, dumbass! come outside, i wanna see ya!"

you froze as you heard bakugou's voice. immediately, you started to worry that he had figured out why you weren't celebrating with everyone else. that you were just lying to your friends when you told them you got your hero license. 

"i-i'm coming…!"

you didn't let bakugou wait too long. you didn't want him to start suspecting anything, if he didn't already know what was going on. and you certainly didn't want him to open the door and see all your stuff in boxes. so, you quickly opened the door and slipped outside into hall in one swift motion, giving bakugou no time to catch a glimpse of your room. 

"why aren't you with the others? you should celebrate that you finally got that license! you're a real hero now~!"

bakugou said exactly what you didn't want to hear. you weren't a hero, far from it! you were just a failure who couldn't even be honest with their friends. 

"i don't feel like it, i'm sleepy… can i go back to bed now?"

bakugou's eyes were glued to your face, inspecting you closely. with every second you just stood here, having to think about what a failure you were, you started to get closer and closer to crying. and bakugou noticed it too. 

"don't fucking lie to me…" he mumbled softly. "what's wrong? you can talk to me!" 

you couldn't hold it together anymore. knowing that the usually rough and blunt bakugou was now being so kind and soft with you, when you didn't even deserve it. tears started rolling down your cheeks, as bakugou gently wiped them away. 

"i failed the license exam! i didn't make it! i'm not a hero and i never will be…"

you sobbed quietly, breaking bakugou's heart as all he could do was just stand there and watch, knowing he couldn't do anything to cheer you up. even as he spoke up to comfort you, he knew his words wouldn't reach you. 

"this isn't the end, y/n! you can just re-do the exam next year! or you'll ask if they got any extra classes you could take! surely there has to be some way…"

"i'll always be a step behind! i'll never be able to catch up to someone as great as you. i will always just stay a mediocre hero if i continue staying at UA…"

bakugou stopped. the way you were wording this, it sounded an awful lot like you didn't plan on sticking around until the next semester. 

"dumbass, don't tell me you're actually planning to leave? are you fucking stupid or what? this is your dream! you said you always wanted to be a hero, so you can't give up now! no matter how long it takes, you gotta keep going!"

you sobbed quietly. you knew bakugou was right. of course he was right! you were a failure and a coward, who wanted to run away when things got hard. 

"without the hero license, i might be forced to repeat the entire school year. i'll have to start at zero again and without my friends by my side! without all of you, i won't be able to make it. there's no reason for me to stay…"

bakugou could only watch as you rushed back into your dorm room, locking the door behind you. he didn't attempt to open the door, even if he could've easily broken it down. instead, he rested his head against the door, as he spoke up again. 

"what about love?"

he said quietly, unsure if his words even reached you. 

"i know the timing is bad, but perhaps if i had made clear how important you are to me, maybe you'd realize that this is where you belong. and then you wouldn't have to go. because you'd know how in love i am with you…"

you didn't reply. perhaps you didn't even hear him. the thought of him pouring his heart out to you without you even hearing him made bakugou angry, causing him to raise his voice. 

"you're good enough, dumbass! you're good enough for this school! and you're good enough for me! i think you're a great hero already! it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, i think you're the greatest hero ever! so please, open the door and talk to me!"

still, nothing. the thought of what might happen behind that door was killing him. you were probably curled up on your bed and crying and he wouldn't be able to comfort you! 

"please…"

bakugou sighed softly, his forehead leaning against the door as he closed his eyes. 

"if you can hear me, let me just say how much i want you to stay…"

bakugou waited. but he didn't get an answer…

[sagereidxx]

betty (byler's version)

"Okay, okay, everyone settle down!" Mike laughed into his mic as everyone was still cheering at the last song they played. "We have a new one for you and guess what?" Mike asked as he quietly strummed his guitar. "It's a new one!" Mike dragged out the last "e" in his sing-songy voice.

As everyone cheered, he looked over to very far left of the stage to see his boyfriend, Will, in the very front row, as close as he could get to the stage. Just like he promised he would be.

Mike waved and looked back to the center of the crowd where a bright stage light was waiting to blind him.

"This one is called betty." Mike smiled and looked back to Will who smiled up at his boyfriend and started cheering again.

Mike looked behind him to make sure everyone was ready to play before he started singing.

"Honey, I won't make assumptions about why you switched your homeroom. But I think it's 'cause of me." Mike began then stepped away from for the mic to shoot another glace at Will, who was already staring at Mike in awe. He smiled and stepped back up to the mic, singing.

"Honey, one time I was riding on my skateboard when I passed your old house. It's like I couldn't breathe." Mike looked back, this time holding his eyes on Will like he was the only one there.

"You heard the rumors for El and you can't believe a word she says most time, but this time it was true." El? Will thought.

"The worst thing that I ever said, was what I said to you." As soon as Will heard this line sung in Mike's sweet voice, he somehow was back in Mike's driveway and somehow, it's summer of '85 and it's pouring down raining and Mike just said, "it's not my fault you don't like girls" right to Will's face. But wait, this song is about him.

"But if I just showed up at your party, would you have me? Would you want me? Would you tell me to go fuck myself? Or lead me to the garden?" Mike sang looking back to the center of the crowd, deciding that he was staring at Will for too long.

"in the garden, would you trust me if I told you, it was just a summer thing? I'm only seventeen. I don't know anything, but I know I miss you."

Oh, Mike and Will's first fight as an actual couple. It wasn't a "real" fight. They weren't mad at each other it was just a lot of miscommunication and angst. There might've been some yelling but there were definitely a lot of tears. Mike didn't know what to do he threw himself on his bed and Will's following him.

"I feel like I don't know anything anymore." Mike cries as he can feel Will's weight sink in the bed next to him. "We're only fifteen, we both don't know anything." Will says sweetly as he reaches out to touch Mike. "I know that I love you." Mike whispers, quiet and crushing. "I love you too. And that's all we need to know right now." Will scoops up Mike as he starts to cry into Will's chest.

Will was so deep into that though he feels like he gets thrown back to the place he been in all along as Mike sings. "Honey, I know where it all went wrong, your favorite song was playing from the far side of the gym." Mike looks back at Will and jokingly rolls his eyes.

Will knows why. He laughs because he knows how insufferable he was when they were both little, listening to "Should I Stay, or Should I go? By The Clash on repeat until he couldn't anymore.

"I was nowhere to be found, you hate the crowds, you know that, plus I saw you dance with him." Will laughed again, remembering all those times Lucas would pull him off the couch at the parties he would throw after winning his basketball game. "Wow, Lucas, lookin' good." Mike said in his sarcastic tone and acts like his jealous.

Mike sang the chorus again, sounding sweeter and sweeter to Will the more he sung. but everything in the room went quiet as Mike began the bridge and the music started to get faster.

"I was walking home on broken cobblestones, just thinking of you when she pulled up like a figment of my worst intentions. She said "James, get it in. Let's drive." Those days turned into night. Sat and talked to her but, I dreamt of you all summer long."

Will knew he was talking about everyone's favorite, Max. never calling Mike by his middle name because "James just fits him better" as she put it.

Mike ripped the mic off his stand and walked downstage to the very front of the stage all the way to the right.

He sings as he looks down at the people that were in the very front row, almost pushed up against the stage. "Baby, I'm here on your doorstep and I planned it out for weeks now but, it's finally sinking in."

He slowly makes his way back to the right center of the stage. Will's laughs because he walks around the stage singing like he's performing standup comedy.

"Baby, right now is the last time I can dream about what happens when you see my face again." Mike sings and looks up again, locking eyes with Will and inching closer to stage left.

Mike keeps his eyes on Will, not caring that anyone else in the room with them. "The only thing I wanna do is make it up to you."

"So, I showed up at your party." Mike stopped as he reached stage left, stopping in front of Will. She sat down on the end of the stage, right in front of Will.

"Yeah, I showed up at your party." Mike reached a hand out and took Will's. He looked away from Will and back to the crowd.

Mike gave Will a look that basically said, "can I pull you on stage?" Will nodded aggressively, excited.

As the tempo of the song changed again, Mike dragged Will up on stage and started singing again and both of them reached center stage, right where Mike left his mic stand.

"Yeah, I showed up at your party, will you have me? will you love me? Will you kiss me on the porch, in front of all our stupid friends?" Mike laughed as Will smiled at him, beaming.

"If you kiss me, will it be just like I dreamed it? Will it patch your broken wings? I'm only seventeen, I don't know anything, but I know I miss you." Mike continued dragging Will around. This time, down center stage.

“Standin’ in your cardigan. Kissin’ in my car again.” Mike continued as he sat in the middle of center stage, pulling Will down with him.

Will sat down next to Mike, he decided to lay in Will’s lap. “Stopped at a street light, you know I missed you.” Mike finally finished.

Only looking at Will, who smiled down at Mike as he heard everyone cheer for his boyfriend.

“Well, everyone, this is my boyfriend, Will.” Mike said, holding the mic up to Will’s mouth. “Hi!” He spoke into it. 

DAY ONE OF 100 FOLLOWER SPEICAL!!

tags!

@hollarious2

@artsyna

@wallywise

@lebylershipper

@ash-the-wise

@tender-emotional-music

@willbyerswatch

@hearteyes-wheeler

@paloma-ascends-into-hellfire

@willbyerslove

@drowninginideas

@sunflowerbyler

[notesfromtheidiotbox]

I'm showing a picture of this post instead of reblogging because I don't want to distract from OP's point, but the various comments and reblogs all seem to have a common thread of "how did this happen? Why don't people seem to care?"

My personal theory is widespread compassion fatigue. It's finally ingrained itself fully into our collective psyche. And I'm not just talking about recent events either.

I'm 47 years old. I've lived through the end of the Cold War, two Gulf Wars, one major terrorist attack on US soil that upended literally EVERYTHING about everyday life in the US, the rising threat of climate change, a once in a century pandemic, multiple boom-and-bust economic cycles, the rise of the internet and with it the rise of accessibility of both information and MISinformation, multiple smaller conflicts around the world, the change in corporate attitudes from "we serve our customers our products faithfully and loyally" to "fuck you! That's our money in your wallet and we're not even going to pretend we thought of you as anything else anymore," the creeping resurgence of fascism as a political ideology in the US not seen since the 30s and early 40s,* rapidly rising inflation and wage stagnation without any sort of action to mitigate it for most of the population. and literally hundreds to thousands of people online yelling at each other for not "doing more," "doing better," or for not supporting/believing/doing the right things in the right way.

I honestly think the compassion/empathy tank is not just empty in the US, it's burned through the fumes and is now bone dry.

Being as generous as possible with the timeline, ever since 2001**, what we laughingly call the news in this country has served us a 24/7 diet of crisis after crisis, with no respite. It's ebbed and flowed, of course, but the general message has been "everything is getting worse, nobody is going to save us, we can't solve the existential threats of war, disease, famine, climate change, racism, and lethal prejudice that exists everywhere." And while collective action has garnered several significant victories, the attitude is still "this won't work because everybody has their own ideas of what needs to be done and how to do it and spend more time arguing over the details rather than doing anything***"

I think we don't care because we just CAN'T anymore. Even the things we would normally use to recharge ourselves aren't working. The food doesn't taste good, the entertainment is turning into forgettable sludge by the rapid rise of streaming, and it seems like you aren't allowed to be anywhere in public without spending money, and if you aren't required to spend money to be somewhere, odds are if you stay there for too long you'll have somebody giving you the side eye and demanding an explanation.

And online? Anger, dehumanization, and the constant cry of any sincere expression of joy or excitement is "cringe."

22 years of being constantly told the world is shit, humans are awful, you only have as much value as your bank account has digits, your employers don't respect you or the customers who get affected by their boneheaded decisions, leaving you to take the bullet, and constant reminders if problems which are too big to be solved in our lifetime.****

We're all tired, and we're beaten down, and we just don't have any more fucks to give about the latest crisis created by those in positions of power for what we are realizing are the most petty and stupid reasons.

There isn't a one size fits all solution here. But that's pretty much what I think has happened: the people of the United States in general have reached a point where we don't have the emotional capacity to deal with any more of this seemingly unsolvable shit. And I honestly think it's going to continue to get worse before it starts to get better.

Try to take care of each other out there, okay?

--

*For younger readers: oh yeah, during Hitler's rise to power until Pearl Harbor, there were PLENTY of people who thought Hitler was just swell.

** I'd actually argue the trauma cycle started with Vietnam, but it really accelerated with the 24 hour news cycle, the increase in internet speeds, and the events of 9/11.

***On a related note, be EXTREMELY leery of those online who won't accept anything but full-scale revolution as a remedy. Most of the time, these people have no plan for what comes after or seem to think that when society collapses, they'll be on top of the pile, ready to be the boot.

****The kinds of changes that would be needed to wipe out war, prejudice, and many other systemic problems are probably going to take decades, if not centuries. And because of the always on demand nature of society right now, a lot of people seem to have a real problem wrapping their heads around that. Change for the worse happens immediately. Change for the better takes a LOT longer.

[nox-writes]

Gyeong-su x GN!reader

Warnings: None i think? Except Nayeon because she's so annoying and if anyone says that she deserved better then i hope the both sides of your pillow are warm and i also hope that you step on a big puddle and your shoes get soaked (i don't need to put zombies and dying in the warnings cuz if you've watched the series then it's pretty obvious that this will mention zombies and death)

so.. let's start with the fact that he is a super sweet guy

And he is so likeable

and sweet

and loveable

and likeable

and i love him😻😻

Anygays when you two first strated dating and he was new to the whole thing, you decided to take things slow in the beginning.

Even though he wanted to tell everyone that he had an awesome partner like you, he still kept his mouth shut.

After about 4 months of dating, you decided to tell your friends about the relationship

Some of them figured it out by themselves, but some had to be told a million times until they believed atleast 50% that it wasn't a joke or anything (Daesu and Woojin)

After you told your friends about your relationship, they couldn't stop teasing you about it

Especially Cheong-san

He LOVES teasing you two about how cute you two look when you are practically sitting on Gyeong-sus (sus) lap because you are sitting so close to each other

On-jo would think it's the cutest thing ever. There is something about you two that makes her so happy for you

First time when Gyeong-su said "I love you" was when you had been dating for 7 months

It took some time to say it since he's really bad at expressing his strong feelings such as love

But you said it back to him and he couldn't be happier

And when Nayeon tries to make fun of him for being poor, you would stand up to him

He would look at you with puppy eyes and thank you for being there for him and stopping him for hurting Nayeon

This man can't afford to get expelled from school, so he doesn't want to pick a fight with anyone

Now for the zombie apocalypse

So when the zombie apocalypse first starts, you two got separated and later found each other again

It was a cute reunion after being separated for so long and your frineds stared at you two in awe when you hugged and shared a kiss when you found each other

When you made your way to the recording room, you thought you would both survive

But that stupid ass bitchy bitch Nayeon went and put the zombie blood rag/cloth on his scratch..

You first didn't think anything of it, thinking that Nayeon just wanted to hel him

But that didn't sound like something Nayeon would do

Gyeong-su followed her outside of the room yelling something at her and you were thinking what Nayeon did to make him so upset

You got your answer

Gyeong su was yelling at Nayeon for calling him a welfie once again but then..

His nose started bleeding. (Again since last time he got hit by a broom lmao)

Your eyes widened in fear and you and Cheongsan were both terrified and denying the fact that he was turning

You tried to come up with an excuse

When he turned into a zombie you were too sad to even try anything to stop him from trying to bite you

After getting zombified Gyeong-su out of the room, you couldn't handle it anymore

It hurt to lose the one you loved and you were crying hard

Nam-ra then told you all about what Nayeon did to Gyeong-su

You were literally blinded by anger

You always knew that Nayeon was an asshole and didn't like Gyeong-su but you didn't think she'd go that far

You cursed and yelled at her for god knows how long after she was on the ground when Cheongsan pushed her

And even when she left the room you all were in you were still mad

You didn't speak to anyone for atleast an hour when suddenly Ji-min came by your side to try to comfort you

You heard her talk to you about knowing how it felt to lose someone you love, due to the fact that she lost her parents to the virus

You broke down and started crying again and she hugged you tightly

You two ended up cuddling on the floor against a wall

After Gyeong-su died, you wanted to stay strong for him so you decided to do everything it takes to stay alive.

Aaaaaahhh i loved writing this and this was not requested but i wrote this for fun. Speaking of which, you should consider requesting a fic you would want me to write. Remember that i write for male and gn reader only. If you want female stories go check my Wattpad; Call-_-Me-_-Nox

[lovelyd0gg]

"My dear, we will find each other."

Summary: You and Eugene met as children until suddenly he wasn't there anymore. You thought he forgot about you or didn't care about you anymore. But one day, you got drafted and became a nurse in WWII, where you meet an old friend, maybe an old lover? ♡♡

Warning: SO FLUFFY, mentions of war, wounds, and hopeless flirting<3

You first met Eugene Roe in kindergarten when you moved to Louisiana, you didn't have a lot of friends so it was a real miracle that he even wanted to be friends with you. It was a regular day going to school when suddenly, Eugene didn't come which was very confusing since he never missed a single day at school. You immediately thought negative things and had a full on breakdown after school, hoping he didn't forget you or even worse, hate you for some reason.

You got drafted to WWII, you're family was devastated, crying was echoing around the house, your mother and father couldn't stop hugging you, begging you to not go, you we're still their little baby in their hearts. You'd be lying if you said it didn't hurt you when it was the day you had to go, but, you couldn't do anything about it.

You then became a nurse, got taught how to treat different types of wounds, which tools you needed to use, etc. Things started to get really bad once Easy company got to Bastogne. The soldiers we're dropping like flies, Lieutenant Dike was absolutely useless and everyday would be at least 3 new wounded soldiers. It was awful and you didn't know how much longer you could last.

Well one day, you we're tending the wounds of new soldiers that came in late yesterday, when suddenly you heard a familiar Cajun accent telling some people to move out of the way so they could come through. You look up from the soldier and saw him... You saw Eugene Roe. He had grown up to be quite handsome if you did say so yourself. At first, he didn't recognize you, but once he glanced at you for maybe the 5th time, his eyes widened and he couldn't stop looking at you. In his eyes, you were stunning, gorgeous, beautiful! You we're absolutely perfect! He approaches you and with his signature calm and gentle voice. "You look stunning, Y/N" You felt your cheeks heat up slightly and you knew there was a pink tint on your cheeks, he noticed and he chuckled. "Where have you been?" You asked in fake-anger, you weren't happy that he left you out of the blue as a child when you we're worried sick about him. "Had t' move here, wasn't my fault. I had no choice." You finally understood after so many years! He had to move away from Louisiana, yet he didn't say goodbye to you. "Well, I sure missed you. Didn't know you were gonna be here though." His lips cracked a small smile and he chuckled ever so slightly. "Got drafted, my momma was devastated. Didn't let me go of my arm." That sentence 'Didn't let go of my arm' reminded you of the day you had to leave your family to go to war. A pang of sadness hit your chest but you pushed those feelings aside. "You look good." You said plainly. "What, that's it? Not even a 'oh you look so handsome, Gene!" He teased, he still had the same gentle voice you remembered. "In you're dreams, hun. If ya want a compliment, I assure you, I'm not the right one to give it to ya." You joked. He gave a hearty laugh. "Well, if I can't get a compliment, I mighta just keep on complimenting you." He teased once again, the way he said it made you feel somewhat attracted to him. What was this feeling? Was it love? You didn't feel this for so long... It felt nice.

A couple days go by and Eugene rushes in worried, Joe Toye and Bill Guarnere are rushed in the infirmary, Toye's leg blown off and Guarnere's leg mangled, only revealing his muscle which is pumping violently. "We got attacked with bombs, Guarnere tried saving Toye from the previous bomb attack that got his leg blown off then a second attack came and mangled his leg... You think you can patch 'em up?" He asked you with a scared tone with a hint of concern. You've seen bad wounds before but a mangled leg and blown off leg certainly gave you a scare and you felt like you needed to puke. Luckily, 2 medics came to you and told you that you can go take a little break due to how much you had been working. You immediately rush outside, Eugene follows behind you, when he opened the outside door, he saw you sitting against the hard bricked wall hugging your knees and crying. He felt so many emotions, worry, concern, sadness, frustration, and the huge need to comfort you. "Hey doll, c'mon, what's wrong? You can tell me." You look up from hugging your knees to look into his eyes. "C'mere." He suddenly pulled you into his arms and rubbed your back with one hand and the other playing with your hair as you cried in his arms. "Let it all out, darlin'. I ain't goin' nowhere." He said with a soothing tone. "I feel so useless, Eugene... There are so many wounded soldiers coming here and I can't save them!" He immediately pulls back and looks at you. "Don't say that ever, darlin'. You ain't useless and certainly ain't losing 'em. You got a lot of soldiers back in the field and it's all because of your magic healin' hands." He smiled at you, he was great at comforting you especially. "But.. What about Guarnere and Toye? What do I do with them?" He looks into your eyes. "The other 2 medics over there are takin' care of 'em. No need to worry, cutie." He smiled at you.. He was so handsome and you just wanted to pull him into a kiss. "What's goin' through ya little mind right now, hun?" He asked in a teasing tone. "Nothing.. Just wondering." You replied in a soft and quiet tone. No way in hell would you ever tell him how you felt! Unless.. He felt the same way for you?! "I don't think that's true, love. Somethin's goin' on through that pretty little head of yours. What is it?" That's when you finally decided to speak. "Listen Eugene.. I don't know how to say this but you drive me insane! You make me feel so good about myself and you have the most soothing and gentle voice in the whole damn world and I can't get enough of it! I missed you so much when you left me, and I'm so glad I found you again. Please, just please, I wanna be yours. Before some girl tries taking you away from me.." Your words got you shocked and Eugene have a full on smile. He pulled you into a kiss, not an aggressive or passionate one, more of a gentle and soft kiss. He pulls back. "I'd love to be yours, darlin'." Wait a minute, did you hear that right?! He accepted to be your boyfriend! This made you so happy. Your insides we're twisting and turning and you couldn't believe he kissed you!! "You make me so happy, Eugene." He smiled at you and kisses your cheek. "Yeah? What's next? You love me?" He teased. "I love you." You said quickly and without hesitation, which he laughed at and said. "I love you too, idiot."

A few years go by and the war ended. Sadly, you couldn't move in with Eugene since you had to be home with your family. You hugged him as you cried. "All this fighting and treating wounds for what?! Separating each other?! I wanna stay with you.." You said out of anger and frustration. He patted your back and gave you reassuring kisses on the head. "We'll call, don't worry. I won't forget ya." He smiled as he said that. "Don't even think about forgetting me or I'll kill you.." You said out of anger, he knew you wouldn't dare hurt him. "Yeah, yeah. I love you too, dumbass." You look up at him as tears rolled down your cheeks. "Will I ever see you again..?" He looked down at you, he gave you a small kiss on your lips and pulled back.

"My dear, we will find each other. No matter where we go, I'll always find you."

[kimmimaru]

Personal Rant time (ignore if you like, just getting shit off my chest so I can maybe sleep) Sorry it's so long, I would put it under a 'read more' but for some reason the little icon for it isn't showing up anymore and I'm honestly too tired to look for other ways. So, I have serious exective dysfunction which means every day tasks are a horrendous ordeal. I hate it with every fiber of my being, I do NOT enjoy being this way. But trying to explain to people what exective dysfunction is and what its like is impossible, so I'm labelled lazy and shit. That doesn't help.

Anyways, issue I'm having is I have someone who is specifically employed to help me out with the struggles I have as an autistic adult like making phone calls, helping me remember appointments etc. And its been fine up until recently. I've been hit hard by my EFD and i'm having a burn out, so depression, anxiety, the works. I'm forgetting to feed myself and shit, its that bad. But this person who is supposed to be helping me doesn't seem to listen when I try to explain what I'm feeling? I have every day tasks I need to complete, I know exactly what they are but I just physically cannot make myself do them. I just sit there, panicking about it. I have no idea how to get around this, basically as an adult, you're told you're autistic and just sent away again. I never had any help regarding navigating the intricicies of existing as an autistic adult so I've been fumbling in the dark since I got my diagnosis. Now, I've been mostly coping until recently when I hit yet another bad patch, last one I had that was this bad was when I was at uni back in my early 20's. Anyone who follows me for my fanfic has probably noticed a lack of updates and stuff, I haven't even been posting here or really going on tumblr or Ao3 at all. I haven't been reading, gaming or anything. I'm anxious and depressed, and I'm trapped in this stupid fucking cycle and I can't tell anyone about it because literally not a single person in my life understands. I've tried but its useless. So I thought I'd try and explain it to the person who is literally paid to help me with this stuff, but she just doesn't get it. She just ends up piling more on my plate with more lists of shit I should be doing. No discussion about possible ways around my inability to do anything useful. Its just: Oh you need to do this, this and this. If you don't do this it will cause problems. You should be doing this every day....like, yeah? I know I should be doing these things. I think about it constantly. I'm not sleeping because I'm laying in bed obsessing over everything I should be doing. Honestly, I'm lucky I'm even getting out of bed at this point.

I've tried lists, I've tried schedules, I've tried phone reminders, alarms, timed sessions of like an hour of just doing stuff that needs doing etc. I can get it to work for like a week and then it just goes back to being impossible again. I hate it. I hate being this way. I've tried breaking it all down into tiny steps, nothing seems to have worked yet. I'm worried I'm running out of ideas. Obviously my daughter has no idea about any of this. She doesn't need to know it, but kids pick up on even tiny clues don't they? Not to mention that she's just hit puberty and is naturally going through it as well, poor sod. But yeah, that means everything I do is the absolute worst thing any parent can do ever, from asking her to pick up after herself to reminding her to wash her hair regularly...you know, normal things parents ask from their kids. I get it, I do. I went through it too and I don't remember it fondly, it was an awful time. Everything pisses you off or makes you want to cry for no reason, so I do try to be understanding but on top of everything else it does involve a lot more deep, careful breathing than I'd like. As for my family, I love them, I really do. But they don't get it so I don't really feel I can talk to them about it. My dad is...well, he's in a new relationship and is now aparently getting married. So that's a big bag of emotions I do not want to open. On the one hand, I'm a grown ass adult so I should just be ok with it, on the other it's weird and very uncomfortable. My dad divorced my mum years ago, so I got used to that but he cheated on mum with some other woman, never met her, never wanted anything to do with her so it was easy to pretend she didn't exist. This time the woman is a very old childhood friend of dad's and not only that but knew mum, she in fact introduced my dad to my mum. So I have to be all friendly and its exhausting. I really don't know how I'm supposed to feel about it, its like...I'm an adult, I should be happy my dad's happy, right? But its just...so weird. I've only ever known my dad with my mum, so seeing him be close to another woman just creeps me out and makes me uncomfortable. I have to go to their wedding too, which will not be fun. I'm being weird about it and not explaining it properly but even I don't know why I'm so uncomfortale with it, so can't really put it into words. Essentially I am anxious, stressed and depressed and would just like everything to just stop for a bit so I can BREATHE.

[memekeymouse]

May I say a few headcanons I have?

1: Mickey is super strong and he has no idea that he is. He can carry ten people in his arms and then drop them off where they need to be and when everyone looks at him completely flabbergasted, he just looks back confused like "What? What happened?"

2: Both Mickey and Oswald have autism and they both has serious mental health problems due to trauma. Mickey is a hardcore perfectionist and if he doesn't make someone happy or complete something he's told to do, he will stress about it and panic. He also is depressed and sometimes goes into a sorta panic attack like event where he starts to cry and say he's not perfect or normal like he was created to be. Safe to say, his image of being the family friendly mascot with people saying he's greedy and an asshole takes a huge toll on his mental health. Oswald has abandonment issues and trust issues. Both can effect his relationships deeply and it shows when he's around someone like Mickey or Ortensia. He's also depressed but says he "Can't cry anymore since he's cried a lot in the past so he has no more tears to shed." That's partially true. But, Mickey and Oswald do comfort each other when the other has a breakdown or something serious like that.

3: Mickey is the type of person who loves physical affection and likes to give others physical affection. He almost always greets Oswald with a hug or something of the sort and will cling onto his brother sometimes when he's really feeling down. The same is said for him towards Minnie and all of his friends.

4: Oswald's luck only works majorly when it comes to dangerous situations like if people's lives are on the line and he's involved. For other things, it's about a 50/50. He can get free stuff one moment and then trip and lose everything down a sewer. It's awful but it does occur when needed.

5: Mickey isn't head of the Disney Company neither is he the person who makes the decisions. He's the mascot and will do things like advocate deeply for Oswald to be more involved. Other than that, he's no part of any decisions made by Disney and he hates how people think he is often.

6: Also, Mickey is extremely wealthy but super humble at the same time. If one of his friends needs some money or something super expensive, he won't hesitate to give them the money he has with nothing in return.

7: Mickey is extremely kind and friendly to the point he can't say no to anyone requesting his help. He's gotten into some pretty dangerous situations because of it and it's because he doesn't want to make anyone upset. He can get mad but that's either not completely a genuine emotion or he's been pushed to the point he's gonna yell or kick. Not often tho. Oswald, when he's with or around Mickey, keeps him in line and double checks if the person who asked Mickey for a favor isn't going to backstab or take advantage of his kindness.

I have a few more but I think I said enough for now. I'm sorry to whoever reads this that I went off....😅😅😅

Ohhhhhh my God, sorry this took so long to answer but I wanted to answer to this properly and I didn’t have the time or right mindspace to do it until now

Can I just say a couple of things about these headcanons? (MY personal opinions, by no means am I implying that you’re wrong or anything like that)

1. I agree that Mickey is definitely stronger than he appears to be, but I don’t know if he’d be THAT strong. He’s strong enough to beat the shit out of Pete, but not strong enough to do it completely unscathed, you know? I think that’s more of an indicator to Mickey’s strength though: that no matter how many times or how badly he’s beaten (figuratively or literally), he’ll still get back up.

2. NOTHING TO SAY ABOUT THIS ONE. SO TRUE BESTIE

3. LOOK AT THE ANSWER ABOVE

4. Interesting take! I do like the idea of Oswald’s luck failing him when it’s funny; he’s like a mix of Donald and Gladstone lmao

5. STOP READING MY THOUGHTS (COMPLIMENTARY)

6. This one’s fine, but personally I don’t see it. Mickey being rich…it doesn’t fit him. And also if Disney won’t pay its actual human employees a decent wage, you think they’d treat Toons any better? Even for their biggest star, they’d just argue that they own him, and that he already has everything to live comfortably in ToonTown so what else could he ask???

7. I know the Mickey Mouse shorts (my beloved) popularized the idea of Mickey’s seemingly endless kindness being a detriment when taken to the extreme. And I respect that! But again, I can’t stand the idea of framing Mickey as a pushover for being ‘too nice’. Also i think that just because Mickey can’t openly show anger doesn’t mean it’s not there at all. For him to repress rage is more interesting, but that’s Forbidden Toon Lore(TM) for another day

[kowaindar0u]

(diary meme ehek) 13 Yuichi (either Nagasone, Kashuu or Saseki ehek), 7 Hachisuka! (@zantedeschia-praesul)

[ DEAR  DIARY          .    .    . ]

i'm a gemini you can't just give me 3 choices and expect me to pick hehe. so have them all !!!!!!! (really i just love doing these diaries so i'm taking all them i can get rrrrrraaaaaa)

13.     entry made featuring mention of (sender’s) muse. (Yuichi -> Nagasone)

Ohhh, dearest diary. You are going to feel so special, aren't you? Because you've known for so long about Nagasone and I, longer than perhaps anyone else-- except maybe Kashuu. Don't be getting jealous, though!

But... we've finally decided to let it be known by the rest of the honmaru, and... Well I think a lot of the men already had some kind of idea. Kogitsunemaru definitely knew, though he's gracious enough to wait until we were ready before he said anything (some very kind words, naturally). I think Murakumo got the hint simply for how much time he spends in my office some days. Hachisuka probably figured it out pretty quickly, though he hasn't said anything to me, and Nagasone hasn't mentioned anything from him. Urashima I think was somehow still unaware. Perhaps he's just too pure for this world.

"I don't know why I was so nervous about it." I know I say this all the time, but it never seems to stop being relevant. I was worried others would be unhappy about it, or that they might think I play favorites-- clearly this is different, right? Right.

Worst of all, the thought crossed my mind that... perhaps after it stopped being such a secret, Nagasone might lose interest, or look at me differently, or something. I don't have this worry anymore, but I can't stop thinking ABOUT the fact that I thought that might happen. I feel awful for even barely entertaining the thought. Nagasone had never given me any reason to believe that, and on the contrary, he only ever gives me hundreds more to KNOW for certain that it wouldn't happen. It's... amazing, really, how he can do so much to make me feel so good, and happy, and just... like everything's okay... But I still find a way to think there's a chance that I don't deserve it.

Nagasone would hate to hear that from me, I know it. And he doesn't deserve that, either.

Which is why I tell you, of course. But you probably could already guess that, huh.

Well... Whether I deserve it or not... I love him. So much. I'd be a goner without him.

So, diary, I hope you're happy for us too.

13.     entry made featuring mention of (sender’s) muse. (Yuichi -> Kashuu)

Dear Diary.

This still feels like some kind of fucked-up dream. But... up until now, through all of this... recovering, monitoring, assessing, training, learning, trying to come to terms with the fact that apparently magic and sword-men and time travel is all real... It's been like I'm just walking through it in a confused, numb daze. It didn't really matter. For all I knew, I could've been dead and this was my afterlife.

But... not anymore.

I summoned my first touken danshi. Kashuu Kiyomitsu, he's called. One of two trusty swords of Shinsengumi first unit captain, famed Okita Souji.

The summoning itself was... excruciating, but amazing. I don't know how I did it. But... I haven't FELT this much emotion, felt anything in this intensity but despair and loneliness in... I don't know when, or if I have.

Maybe I was scared. This whole Government thing is intimidating. Maybe I was just afraid that if I didn't give it my all, they'd... I dunno, kick me to whatever the afterlife equivalent of a curb is. Or send me to hell.

Maybe I just wanted it to be real so badly that I managed to tap into that... pathetic, desperate wish for a connection with someone, a friend, that I could have a chance not to isolate myself or squander it, and...

And he appeared. Kashuu Kiyomitsu.

I thought perhaps the fact I was crying might freak out a new person-- a literally NEW person, right? But it seems... there really is a connection between us. They told us this would be the case with the swords we summoned, but... I guess I couldn't believe it until I felt it myself.

I hugged Kashuu Kiyomitsu and... it just made everything real. Real, and scary, and overwhelming, but... if this is my second chance at life, I'm going to take it. As long as he's there with me... I think I'll be okay.

Kashuu Kiyomitsu... Thank you.

13.     entry made featuring mention of (sender’s) muse. (Yuichi -> Saseki)

Ah, diary...

I'm sitting at my desk... I should be working, but... I just can't help but stare at the magical painting Saseki gifted me, and think about him. I appreciate Nagisa a great deal, and of course owe my life to her and her men, but I don't know that I was in such a state of mind to have formed a bond with her. Not to mention there was a lot that she couldn't tell me, since the Government had yet to make a call on what to do with me.

But Saseki... what can I say? He's become one of my best friends, almost like a brother, perhaps. He's so insistent that he be able to protect me or help me if I'd ever need it, even after he's been through so much himself... I'm so grateful to him, and this honmaru is lucky to have such an ally, of course.

But letting my thoughts drift... one question my mind asked, I can't help but think about: "Where were you before, in my old life?"

I had ... friends, before. I guess. But I had such trouble trying to interact with them for some reason and opted to just... keep to myself. I didn't feel truly comfortable with anyone.

But... I don't know. I don't want to change where I am now. I would never give this up for even a moment, not over my dead body and then some. But I can't help but wonder, what IF I had known Saseki? Sometimes I think about this with my touken danshi as well, but it feels more of a fantasy that way, about maybe taking them around a modern city and whatnot. But with Saseki... he's a human. In theory, it's not impossible for us to have crossed paths, and ... I just think... maybe if we had...

No, no. This sounds like I'm blaming Saseki. It's not that. It's just... What I mean is... I'm just so grateful to have him. And I know now the impact one person can have on the trajectory of history in a given timeline. On the off chance I would have allowed myself to befriend him like this back then, or in a different timeline... maybe things wouldn't have been quite so unbearable. Maybe there's a version of me who had someone like him like I wished I had. And that's what's really got me right now.

[there's some smudges where seemingly a couple of drops were hastily brushed off the page]

Well. It's really neither here nor there, isn't it. What matters most is that we both got to where we are and are friends today, right? Right.

07.     entry made featuring an important moment in their life. (Hachisuka)

Dear Diary.

It was... a beautiful day. Well. It was... a fine enough day. Until the rain and winds picked up, and thunder crashed, rattling the doors and windows...

And HE appeared.

Nagasone 'Kotetsu'.

It may be unbecoming of me, but I'm seething. A counterfeit, a fake, an imitation, using something as prestigious as the Kotetsu name? Here, in my citadel? In my room? My master is testing me, truly.

He seems to not even be bothered by the fact that he bears a name that doesn't suit him, that he couldn't possibly live up to... right? He's just so... amicable, and seems quite happy to be here.

I told him: I may be obligated to share my room with you--for now. But know this. You are NOT a true Kotetsu, and you are NOT my brother. Do not expect me to treat you as such.

I don't know what I expected from him.

It's ridiculous, preposterous.

I...

It seems I lost my train of thought. No matter. I'm being called out for dispatch anyway. This isn't the last you'll hear on this regard, mark my word.

[safetycar-restart]

Alright bestie, let’s have some 💧💧 for Marcus:

Im thinking he has a shy bladder? And also maybe a previous dom who didn’t care about his boundaries or feelings? So you want to try holding in public, and he’s really uncomfortable with that (because he won’t be able to use a public toilet if he safewords) but he’s afraid you will ridicule him, so he goes along with it. You both go to a cafe and get him an extra large coffee and you make sure he drinks the whole thing, then go walk around a park. He’s getting really full and squirmy, whimpering from how badly he needs to go. He’s super anxious about wetting himself in public, and really uncomfortable, but too afraid to say anything. Eventually his tummy starts to get swollen and distended from how full his bladder is, and it’s really starting to hurt, but he’s too scared to tell you…I’ll let you take it from there…

GAH THIS IS SO GOOD BUT SO ANGSTY WHY MUST YOU DO THIS TO ME (just kidding please continue to do this to me I love this)

Firstly, Marcus genuinely loves watersports. He enjoys it so much, loves the desperation and the feeling he gets when he just can't hold on anymore. And he loves to watched while he struggles, loves to have someone else to clean him up and comfort him when it's over, someone whose arms he can crawl into once he's cleaned up.

So he's so excited when you say you're into watersports, and he can't wait to try it with you. You're much more attentive than his previous dom was, and so he has no doubt that watersports will be even better with you.

He's imagining spending a day at home with you, getting more and more desperate as the day goes by until eventually he's leaking on your lap, crying and begging for permission and ending up sprinting to the shower were he absolutely soaks himself. And then he gets endless cuddles and praise.

But then he'd discussing it with you and your first suggestion is that you two go out together and he isn't allowed to use the bathroom until you get home. It's just one of many suggestions, and if he said no then you would have just moved on to another idea without a second thought.

Except that's not what Marcus's previous dom was like. His old dom would always be very specific about their wants and was never willing to compromise. He learned he always had to agree to the first suggestion, as that was what his dom really wanted.

So he said yes. Even though he knew he didnt want it, he agreed to it and you set a time and place.

He regrets it the moment he starts to get desperate. He wants to go home immediately, wants to sit on the couch with you and hide in your arms and play video games until he can't hold it, where he's safe in his own home. But he can't, because that would make you unhappy.

(It wouldn't of course, but that doesn't matter, he doesn't know that)

You watch a movie in theatres with him and then head to lunch. By the time he reaches the restaurant, it's getting bad. If he was home, he would be able to wait a fair while. But he's not home and he's so scared of wetting himself and he hates public toilets at the best of times.

You, meanwhile, have noticed his distress but think it's because he's getting desperate, which is the entire point of this so you don't say anything.

He's gotten himself in an awful situation now, because even if he safe words out, he doesn't know if he can make himself go at the restaurant bathroom even though he's so desperate and doesn't want to wet himself.

You ask for his colour again, because he's not acting like he usually does when desperate, and he takes a bit too long to answer for your liking. So you ask if he's okay, if he wants to end this, if he wants go go home.

He looks up at you and you see tears in his eyes. Instantly you're calling the waiter and asking for the bill. You don't care the food is only half eaten and that Marcus technically hasn't safe worded yet. You are ending this right now.

You tell him he can go to the bathroom if he wants, that you won't be upset.

But to your surprise he shakes his head and says no, he cant. That's when you realise he has a shy bladder. Your break breaks for him, feeling like you've failed him as a dom because you didnt realise his discomfort earlier.

Later, once he's back home and safe and feeling okay, you'll ask him why he didnt tell you that originally and work out how to make sure this never happens again. But for now your main priority is making sure Marcus is alright.

You ask Marcus if he can make the drive home, and he doesn't know.

Well, he does. Logically he knows from experience that he should be able to hold it until you get home quite easily. But he's panicking and not thinking straight and he just wants this to be over.

You end up going into the family bathroom with him, locking the door behind the two of you and hugging him from behind, taking his cock out for him and letting him lean back against you. He's able to let go then, focusing on the warm of your chest against his back.

And then it's right home with him and tomorrow you'll have the discussion that needs to be had.

Mostly, Marcus feels so guilty because you treated him so well. You helped him every step of the way and weren't even a little disappointed. He realises then that he could have been honest from the start and he could have had an amazing watersports scene with you in the safety of home but instead he forced himself to try your very first suggestion and ruined the whole day.

It's a tough lesson, but he won't make the same mistake twice.

[perilegs]

So, yeah I've talked plenty about Nøkk using crowd controll spells to avoid satisfying his urges bc as good as it feels, it's also scary to have your body react to carnage with pure ecstasy. I know he gets a craving for murder and does satisfy his urge every now and then, but he tries to do it as little as humanly possible. But! I decided I'm making him have a big relapse kind of in Act2 :)

Nøkk will be putting himself in danger by starting to use offensive spells more and getting closer to the enemies to strike them with his sword. Which, is such a bad idea bc he's a squishy bard. This is ofc noticeable to everyone, but Nøkk will lie and say that his experience with the sussur tree made him realize he needs to be getting his sword skills up to what they once were. I don't think anyone is fully convinced, but they've got a lot on their plate rn with the shadowcurse and stuff.

Even though Nøkk is now indulging his urges more, it's not enough. Denying the urge to kill Isobel made it so much worse. Nøkk needs help, but is scared to reach out.

This culminates in the durge romance murder scene. He'll lose control again. Just like with that poor dragonborn bard. Nøkk is so terrified of not being in control of himself, but he knows, if he says nothing, Astarion will be dead come morning.

Nøkk has mentioned his urges before, offhandedly, he didn't mean to. But it didn't even matter as no one realized how serious it was. They wouldn't have understood even if he told them everything he was feeling. Well, he would have probably gotten a dagger through his throat if he did that. And that's not something Nøkk would ever do even without the threat to his life.

Anyways, this time, he HAS to act. I'm just going to use direct quotes from the scene and give some extra Nøkk thoughts on them.

"I've been cursed. When I fall asleep, I will try to murder you." then the comment about being the only dark power inside of Nøkk and "You could have told me before things got murderously bad, you know." Astarion's attitude with this whole thing is not helping Nøkk out.

He's growing more and more panicked, with his consciousness about to slip. He's at a state where he's almost ready to give into his urges and maim Astarion. Until. "Whatever it is that's controlling you, we can fight it. I know that better than anyone." Hearing that gives Nøkk reassurance. He's not in this as alone as he first thought. However, there's no time to finish the thought before he faints.

The night passes with Nøkk remembering nothing but vague glimpses of it. Astarion was far more calm, patient, and gentle with Nøkk than he would have ever expected anyone to be in this situation. Losing sleep, well, meditation, over, for, Nøkk. "You've got this. And I've got you." Such a simple thing to say, yet it will linger in Nøkk's head for as long as he lives.

Once Nøkk inhabits his own mind again, he feels mortified. He cannot look Astarion in the eye. He keeps his gaze firmly on the ground, even as Astarion cuts his binds, tears almost swelling up.

"We need to have a talk." That's it. This is where Astarion will confess he wants nothing to do with Nøkk ever again anymore. It was foolish for Nøkk to even think they could ever be anything more than strangers.

But. That's not what happens. Astarion is waiting for Nøkk to explain himself. Very uncharacteristic to himself, Nøkk tells Astarion all about his urges, and how he was strictly avoiding them at first, but now he's trying to overcompensate the other way. The way they make his blood feel and take his mind away from him. The awful, horrible thoughts and images he can't get out of his head. All the nightmares and sleepless nights. All he can remember. It's all he can do to keep from crying. Nøkk finishes his tale, he's still not looking at Astarion.

Nøkk doesn't know what to expect, but it's not words of comfort. People aren't supposed to just accept something like this. "You're allowed to hate me for this." "I don't hate you. Because this is not you." Nøkk is left speechless. Also let's all take a moment to think about both Astarion saying that about durge's urges and Withers' "he only managed to kill the part of you he knew."

Anyways, Nøkk finally looks up at Astarion. His expression is soft, Nøkk, however, looks like he's about to burst into tears. "Whatever this is, you will get through it. And I'll be here to make sure you do."

Astarion, picking up on Nøkk's embarrassement and not wanting to make him cry, says something about there being a new dawn while he stands up. He extends a hand to help Nøkk up. Nøkk takes it. Maybe his future needn't be so grim after all.

Nøkk starts trying to learn a healthy balance on satisfying his urges. Suppressing all of them all the time just makes them worse, but, putting himself and everyone else in danger just to deal the finishing blow on everyone they fight is also, very unhealthy. He somewhat opens up to the rest of his companions about his condition a bit more too, bit by bit. There are people making sure he's okay. He's not in this alone.

[hotprincejack]

Why and what is wrong with you.

So I too have been affected by Deidara also known as @DeidaraSenpai69 and he's been now suspended from Twitter wrongfully and I like others know he had many issues with Twitter. They first target harrass him call it policy violation never specifying anything and bc his tweets are story based how can he ever know what he even is doing is violation. Months ago he got pass that. But now he's been suspended again and they call it hateful conduct lol I lost all my respect towards Twitter but I never had any to begin with now they have fallen down and there is no getting away from that and no forgiveness in the end. The amount of sadness they cause to so many people and those who have passed is downright wrong. The fact that they suspended Deidara for just tweeting something as of story telling based is so wrong. First they harass him and now they suspend him months later. I thought Google was bad for removing accs from inactivity but I lost all I ever had towards Twitter without Deidara Twitter has nothing. And it will stay that way until Deidara is unsuspended. The fact that garbage team is responsible of this and Elon doesn't do anything proves he never cares how can you hire team of filth when you are suppose to be freedom of speech absolutist. Especially suspending someone who is as important as Deidara there is none no one could ever do what Deidara did and no one will ever matter as much as he does. No doubt this will affect everyone and no doubt this changes everything too. And now that Pain is without his friend it breaks my heart. It saddens me so much that I'm giving up on any good this world and humanity has to offer. I can't understand how is Feral so right and. Everyone else are so wrong. It's disgusting now that you've gone this route Twitter stop pretending that you care you fake lying sack of nothing. There will never be a day that I won't dislike you for what you did or a day where I wish nothing but your downfall you disgust me I wish you never even existed. You bastard. But on any note I love Deidara so much this post is mainly for him but also to valid how awful this is. How Deidara has been treated is unforgivable. After all he's done too. I thought Twitter was different when elon took over but it hasn't changed its become even worse. And he's full of lies too. Fake egoistic piece of trash. If he was better and what he thinks he is then Deidara would be unsuspend and he would be treated better. It's purely twitters own fault for never giving him anything valuable in return and their fault for always messing things up for everyone. The only reason Twitter is any level of go to place is bc of it's users now Twitter as a whole has now fallen down from suspending Deidara and also causing many sadness and misery over this suspension. Unforgivable. My heart goes to Deidara and others too Pain In particular. I felt so bad when it happened and seeing Pain tweet after that made me almost cry. But yeah if Deidara is now gone then twitter lose it's value bc it has lost everything that ever matter and it was never about Twitter and it never will be. But they suspended him they attacked Deidara they ruined everyone's joy and happiness there they Twitter ruined everything. And there is no denying that no doupt this will affect everything wish nothing but bad things for twitter from now on as long as Deidara is suspended that is. But yeah never thought I'd need to do this.. this is truly awful. And not okay it feels so sad and so wrong and nothing makes sense anymore.

[likelycatherinemay]

Diary 6/?

I thought it could go back in the bottle. When goes away for a while and you open the door again, I can't feel anything. How can no one notice? They aren't allowed to notice. If they notice, it would be the end of the carefully constructed reality of the world. It would be earth-shattering.

I want to be unmade. Dying is awful. It's awfully slow. It is agony every second. Razor. Skin. Razor. Skin. Blood. blank expression. Repeat. Agony. Class. Meeting. 'Why are you quitting?'

'My health,' my voice is shaking. I thought I didn't care anymore.

'What's your plan after this?'

'I'll figure it out."

"Well, you don't have much time before you graduate, so we're just worried about what you'll do after this."

'I'll figure it out.'

'Well, we'll have to rescind any benefits you were receiving.'

'ok.'

'Do you have any questions?'

no.

'Coordinate with X about turning in your gear.'

'ok, thank you.'

It's so much easier to tear skin with your non-dominant hand than you would think. Once the razor digs into your skin, your hands seem to remember the requirements for ripping flesh from bone. If anything, the unfamiliarity makes it more seamless. A stranger steals your skin, not you. The subconscious part of your brain that is distressed about what you're doing shuts off. Until the pain hits.

Why am I doing this? The blood trickles slowly and dries again. The band-aid goes back on again. We're no closer than we were before. You have to go and face the people who don't know or don't care about it. How can it end sooner?

My dad is coming to see me this weekend. He's going to see my arms, one way or another. But he and my family saw them before. The fading scars of razor blades pressed against skin. All I received was:

'Are you depressed?'

no.

I've wanted to commit suicide for four years. I have wasted the oxygen for four more years. The yawning void of the truth screams and aches every day. And if it came to being honest, then I have to waste more oxygen. Go to therapy.

'Someone loves you.'

then they're wrong.

'Someone will be sad without you.'

their life will be better without me.

'Those things can't be true!'

I LIVE them EVERY DAY. I don't want to hurt someone any more than I have already. I have two sisters, my parents will be fine. My sisters have always been closer with each other. I have never been loved by someone outside my family. What have I done with that love? rot. decay. I have become worse. I disgrace them every day. I have nothing. I don't want to know that these things are illogical. Logic broke a long time ago. It caved by the weight of existence. When you look into someone's eyes and know, they do not know you. There is not a single person on the planet who does. Whoever will.

I hope tomorrow I will wake up, and I can't feel the razor. I can cut and cut until I reach the bone. I can lay on the floor and watch life escape me.

Do you really care to know if I read?

Do you really care to hear some pretentious lyrics to a song?

It's a farce. Or at least it's a farce for me. I know you, person who reads this, have people that do love you. That would be sad without you. This is simply an issue of an illogical existence. When it is over, an error in nature will be corrected.

If my parents or someone else finds this, I'm sorry. How did I let this go on for 21 years? How did it take this long? Why would I do this to you? Your own son? I don't know, and I'm crying and it's all wrong.

I can't even look in the mirror. How long has he been staring back at you? That's not your son. He doesn't even say he loves you. He doesn't even text you. He can't even get out of bed. He won't listen to you. He just complains.

How long has it been wrong? When did gravity hurt so much more? When did the Sun shine too bright? Why am I wearing sleeves in the summertime?

Emma and Sarah. Why didn't visit one more time? There was always some stupid excuse. I'm busy or stressed or I want to be left alone. Why can't I be unmade? Why did I ever live? Then we wouldn't have to have met. These two brilliant people unshackled. Why wasn't I honest? Did you know something was wrong? Were you worried? Please be okay. Please let the Earth keep turning.

I'm crying too much now. I can hardly see the keyboard.

I have to write to my friends. I feel so far away now. I lost many of you after high school. It wasn't any of you. I keep thinking about the band-aids visible on my wrists. To my college friends, what did you think was happening? Did you think I accidentally cut both of my wrists at the same time? Because that sucks. I don't know if that's better than not noticing at all. But I never made myself one of you anyway.

College is the best four years of your life. Fucking brilliant statement. There hasn't been a day, a moment, a second when I haven't thought about killing myself. First weekend, alone. Now, alone. At least there's no one to stop this. No one's surprised that I'm typing in my room alone at 11:45.

There's no more tears. I wonder how long this will take,

[anicekidlikeme]

Father's day, mother's day, one of those days.

The expectation of being granted a great love by my parents when I was a little girl, has been lost for a few years now. It feels as though my generous wishes ripened, rotted, then returned to the earth, and I am so upset that I have begun to think maybe where I am sitting that same earth is about to collapse. When I feel this way, I take up so much room. It's so heavy, it's so awful.

It is Father's Day. I hate these designated parental-days, and I hate how grateful you all must be feeling about your dad's today. I hate it so much that I feel like my bones are all broken. Mother's day is no better. I look at everyone's social media posts with beautiful family photos until I can't anymore. I have no relatives, and the closest I come to a loving parental embrace is when I lay on the ground and imagine myself to be a tree. Then, I have so much family.

When I was young I clung so tightly to this fantasy where my dad was a good guy with a strong love for me and looking back I sense I was just being a guardian of my spent love, and in turn a guardian of my spirit. Same with mom. By taking on this role, I also knew I had to preserve all the secrets of myself in faithful silence, and endure the defects that I may observe in my own self. All the times I felt lonely, sad, and family-less, those are all for me to endure. I endured knowing that my father wouldn't suddenly transform to have a gentleness to him, and I knew that I could not change my parents from the ground up to reshape them into a relationship I wanted. Sometimes some people just do not love you.

I know there are many errors to the way I love, and it is a painful and great struggle. It only makes it fucking worse when I am forced to think about that on days like these.

I don't want to be alone.

I wish I could hire somebody who could magically appear each time I felt alone to take it all away, to sit with me, talk to me, so I am not forced to think about this loneliness. They would say, pick a hand, spreading them both out, and then with it, hold mine for as long as I wanted. I have waited my turn to have that happen.

I wrote a couple weeks ago about how I like to imagine my sadness as a little child in my heart and caress it gently to rest. The child that lives inside me is so hard to blame right now for her loud crying. Even though really they are just painful screetches.

It is a strange thought, isn't it? A metaphorical child inside me. I like to think that when she cries she is just shouting at me, saying, I have no strong bones, I have no permanent teeth, I have no unique face yet. I am only a couple days old, I spend most my time asleep, and I have not one thing. My human-ness has no liquidity. It is impossible to be angry at me.

Isn't that the catch with a child, and wasn't I once one? Did my mother not think this way? Is it easier to deal with monsters than with babies?

I think yes actually. With a monster, there is only so much consideration to bear. Wouldn't we all treat it the same way if we anticipated its arrival? Put it in the cage, beat it if it gets loud, and understand that their suffering is well deserved, they are only hurtful after all. A child you must love, they are too innocent and need too much protection. I knew growing up that my parents were busy people, so I guess I do understand why I was mom and dad's monster. Convenience, that's all.

I suppose it is also convenient for them that I don't hold out hope anymore or reach out for love. The monster has escaped, but it won't be coming back. Good riddence.

I feel terribly guilty about my obsession with marriage, but I defend it all the time. Breakups, old friendships, and most of all my parents have taught me that nobody is tied to me by anything. They can decide one day to just get up and walk out of your life, it's almost too easy. It is a thought so devastating that I cant move. Since I was a kid, I always thought marriage was the complete assurance of permanence. How could it not be? It is the biggest act of love and with enough of it, there isn't even really a requirement for any fanciness. It's not like I am trying to replace lost love with new love. It's more so wanting some permanent love. Some permanent anything. A foundation. Like a heart house, where I feel home enough to see myself in, a house which I don't have to worry about losing because the mortgage is all paid off. I don't know if anybody else feels this way, I don't know if I want them to. I don't know why I do. I hope you all grew up in a home where you felt at home, without it, the whole thing is the hard part.

I thought that life could be very easy today if I just memorized my day in advance. I spent all of last night rehearsing a plan for what I would do today. The plan was to take a long shower, spend time doing my hair, put on a cute outfit, and sit in the grass taking pictures of myself and reading. We live in such a mechanical time, you get to pick a side in politics, religion, feminism, and stick to those attitudes and principles until a wave of better ones washes them out. We fight over them, we get defensive over them, it is all so extremely functional in a sense that there is no need to question your inner layer of thought. I love the mindlessness of planning, we can leave it all to the scientists and politicians. There is little need for inner consciousness or even a moral code.

But this is still life. There is terror, there is war, there are fights and there is sadness. I thought I had killed my inner critic with my bare hands, I thought I didn't give a shit about my parents. But when it all overcomes you, what is there to do except visit the grave without flowers?

You know I have no idea what my mom's current address is, and I don't think I ever knew my dad's, I thought that would make me happy, and on most days it does. But today is Father's Day, and it's effects are making me sentimental and sad about all the wrong people. I wish I had given myself the perfect day. I began to, but soon my heart collapsed. I didn't do my hair, I didn't put on a nice sundress, and I did not leave my apartment. I spent all day crying in the living room because the windows there felt like the only company of friends I had. Then I put on a lot of makeup, so Drew didn't think I spent my day crying and being pathetic while he had a lovely day with his incredible father.

Mom, dad, I feel so alone. I wish I were a toddler in a playground that could come running towards you as you sit on the park bench. I would be covered in mud and grass and give you hugs and maybe go biking or grocery shopping.

When I actually was a toddler, none of that actually happened. I am not reminicing, I am fantacising.

I wish toddler Vaibhavi could fall asleep in the back of the car instead of being worried that one of you would get angry and hurt me if I let my guard down. I wish I also had a cheesy Instagram story up today or somebody to even send an obligatory text to. My mom called me today and joked about how pathetic today must be for me. It is, mama. I didn't think you would be right. Day to day is easier if I never think any of your words are right.

I hate being in this body in this specific life, but it's not like I can send it back, so I wil eat some grapes.

I don't have a nice ending for you, I'm taking a day off from positivity. But hey, here's a drawing I made on top of a picture I took of a bus stop in Syracuse, New York.