#how long can you live with an ex before it’s unbearable lol

[wewontbesleeping]

I don’t want to move bc I like my house. It’s My House.

[silentalltheseyearsnomore]

I've gone to add to this so many times but I can't because I am so confused. My amnesia is insane right now. And I feel like I am still in the midst of an ongoing crisis and I dont know how it ends and it keeps changing. I think I am coming out of it and then I am not. First I replied to it with this long thing about how I have people who know how to help now. I have people who notice I'm drowning. I'm not alone. My closest friends contacted S when i went silent. And S (a million years later it felt like lol) called me. Which is... not something we do. We email. We meet up. We have firm boundaries because have you seen my history of therapists and ex therapists? But she was there... imperfectly. I was terrified this crisis train had run away so far and people contacting her would make her leave. (Even though 1) she agreed she wants to know and 2) I didnt even pass on contact details they did internet detective work and found her lol.) Because like. She's not my therapist anymore. Even if she was, shes not crisis care. She's also the busiest woman I've ever met right now. But she didn't leave. She called me. She trusted our relationship enough to try that new boundary out and called. Stressed out on a lunchbreak making a sandwich while I sobbed lol. She showed up imperfectly but she was there, because she couldnt physically get to me and it was the best we could do. There was no punishment for being in crisis. I'm not alone. Or not as alone as I feel. The train wasn't out of control. (Just me lol). She spoke to me. She spoke to my doctor. She was there.

And I wrote a post about the beauty of how those people gathered to find S and ask her to reach me because they knew we needed her before anyone else could reach us. How we have a few little oddballs who get what we need now.. they know us. They love us. How fucking beautiful. But... then I wait a day or an hour or a second and we can not post that because then I feel dead. Dead. And the most unwanted alone fucking burden to ever exist. This feels like the worst crisis of my life. But maybe every crisis feels like that? Maybe it's just different. I don't know. But I have no words for it. And fuck october by the way. Fuck ending therapy and then going straight in to curveballs and then the delights of October that come each year.

We did so amazingly for weeks. So amazing. So amazing. It felt like we had processed HUGE stuff while ending therapy. S and I said for weeks or months. It was brutal. But we kept saying this is so big. Bigger than either of us understand. And that so many parts are going through a process that has never been completed. Because an attachment figure left in the middle of it, or the crisis got too big, or we didn't have enough solidity inside to stay with the pain and process. And that if we hold on and come out the other side then maybe something huge will have shifted. And we did. We did. We did. And we ended therapy. And the next weeks were insanely hopeful and incredible and the growing and the amazement and the stepping towards secure attachment and I felt like a proud mumma watching child parts come so far.

Then. Crisis. Perfect storms of triggers. No therapy. No safety where we live. S busy taking over the world and has to cancel our meet up (I mean she's been trying see us weekly despite being so busy and not even seeing family and like fuck me so grateful logically can never ever complain for all this woman does for us. she is still fighting the system for us, paying a leading supervisor still when not even her client but just to help us navigate, there for us when she can.. has stayed.) And voila. Crisis plummets. Nowhere to go with the pain.. nothing to do but hold on... its been unbearable. Its been nearly three weeks of it. The first week wasn't so bad. We thought it would pass. But then more shit happened. And then we saw S and couldn't connect and it felt AWFUL. Because we've felt so able to hold the connection.. even when she was abroad weeks! It was easy!!!! Which is wild. A couple of days used to break us. But going through the end of therapy together and all we did really shifted our attachment stuff. So then this just broke us.. to be back there. I know it's too much to expect of us to hold it ALL THE TIME suddenly. And we are seeing her less and she's wildly busy and our relationship has shifted and we are in a HUGE crisis. Of course connection is hard. But it just sucks after feeling the security. I want it back and it's so hard to have to wait. And its so frustrating to feel we didn't even SEE her. I have some memories of it. Watching from above. And it all looks fine! We are sitting in the park. We are talking. She cuddles us lots of times. We talk more. We hold hands. It is all the same! In fact from outside we look closer than the last time we saw her, in a cafe, when we were just mostly laughing and chatting and a few hugs here and there. And we felt SO connected. And it's just. So fucking annoying you know. This whole trauma thing. Lol. Like I can see the memories!!! This woman is there sitting in the grass with me, cuddling child parts, talking to us about our next steps in healing, listening, there, not being paid, just there.. just wants to be. And we were like sobbing after in the car like we are so unwanted and broken and awful. And we know at this stage in healing that is not logical and we can see it. It's just trauma logic. And I'm just tired of it. I needed my S. I needed the connection in the midst of this storm. And like. Then we spoke to her on the phone this week! She reads our sad emails! She sends cuddles to our stuffed toy from her to have til we see her! She's there! We may see her in a few days! And I can't feel it and I hate it. I'm SO stuck in these "feeling memories". At least I hope that's what this is. I hope its not present reality. I know some of it is. But I hope most of it is not. Or I'm outta here (lol)

And I hate hate hate how much is triggered right now. It feels so huge and insurmountable. And I'm too exhausted to unpick it so it is just a huge ball of terror and pain. Is it mostly S stuff? Is it the fuckfest that october always is (lol yes, same EVERY year)? Is it the physical isolation? Is it the fucking police and crime where I live every day? Is it the uncertainty of the unknown, not knowing our next steps for healing? Or life? Is it the situationship I have re entered and feel nervous about? I could go on and clearly it is all of it. Of course it is. Of course. And of course I am EXHAUSTED. Of course the overwhelm is too much. Of course all of it is too much. And I just wanna see S okay. Man. I haven't missed being a whiny attachment bitch lol

I feel like this is a train that's taken off and is now so far away from me all I can do is wait and watch in silence

And hope that it all works out

[prettyboykatsuki]

foolishly. selfishly. | e. yeager 

➳ tags ;; lovesick!eren, pining (mutual but eren centric), childhood friends to lovers, sfw but suggestive towards the end, drinking and weedsmoking, college parties, male oc named haru who plays ex, eren being unbearable, feelings of resentment, yall both a lil dumb, not beta read, intoxication, ouid, eren is campus sweetheart lowkey, fem!reader

➳ wc ;; 3.9k 😃❓

➳  a/n ;; forgive me i think this is the first aot fic ive ever written so if the eren characterization isn’t ur thing.. ah. inspired by the song fools by troye sivan. also maybe part two for like.. actual smut LOL

➳ plot ;; eren yeager has been in love with you his whole life. when rumor comes your ex is gonna try and win you back for good, he decides to swallow his pride and finally tell you how he feels

“You’re down bad, Yeager,” 

On his 3rd beer of the night, Eren watches you sway your hips to another heavy-bass hip-hop song. He’s disgruntled to put it lightly, sneering with disdain as you dance and sway to the music. Ymir is behind you, and he can’t tell if that pisses him off more or less. 

Armin sighs, gently prying the latest bottle out of an already tipsy Erens hands, giving Jean a look who just snickers. 

“You should just confess already, ‘ren,”  ― Armin says sagely ― “It’s clearly bothering you,” 

Jean speaks again. Connie laughs too, ashing a blunt before handing it back to Jean. 

“When is it not bothering him,” 

Connie chokes on blunt smoke in the middle of laughing and Eren shoots him a dirty look, to which all Connie does is put his hands defensively. Eren can barely stay mad for that long, given the way he knows that everyone right. Even Jean, who’s a fucking dumbass. 

They’re right about how it’s always bothered him and about him down horrendously. 

Eren Yeager is... a lot of things. 

Stubborn, immature, childish. Among those things, he’s also brave. Lion-hearted. Not smart but strangely kind, always encouraging other people to be a little better. To do a little more with themselves and push past their boundaries. He’s not hypocrite either - more often than not he’s doing a dare or participating in something admittedly reckless. 

He approaches everything with the same shrug, a half smile on his mouth - tan skin and green eyes shining brilliantly. 

“What’s the worst that could happen?” 

It’s his thing at this point. Every video of him that’s gone a little viral on TikTok or on his schools twitter has him saying just that at the beginning. It’s ironic in it’s own right because... a lot of things could happen. He does some pretty stupid shit - like climbing to the top of the deans building or spray-painting cars during holidays

He’s stupidly charming to the point everyone around seems to so easily give up into his whims. He’s never even been suspended. He gets a little slap on the wrist and goes on to live his best life. He’s life of the party and for someone who is so unafraid of consequence - it makes you wonder..

Why the hell hasn’t he confessed his feelings for you? 

Eren Yeager thinks of you with even higher regards than the sun. You grew up with him, Armin, and Mikasa on a little street corner - only minutes away from each other. He’s retold the story in his head a million times - you knocked on his door nervously with a plate of cookies and he’d been in love with you ever since. 

He can’t remember a time in his life where you weren’t directly influencing him. His parents were ecstatic when he went into highschool with a 4.0 but he only did it because he wanted to follow you into university - as bad as that sounds.

It’d be an understatement to say that he’s.. a little bit in love with you. The two of you are attached to each others hips but a lot of it is Eren absolutely hovering over your every move. Overprotective, overbearing, generally a little unbearable. Everyone around seems appalled by it when they see it but you brush him off so easily, a little shrug and uninterested glance. It’s probably something only you could do.

Armin swears that’s why he even fell for you even harder for you. You seem to look at everything in the world with affection with him as the exception. With everyone else, you’re so.. friendly? Once you’re comfortable - you’re nurturing, kind. The amount of times people have assumed you and Armin were an item just because you were so sweet on him is honestly embarrassing

But that’s just how you are with everyone. With Mikasa, Jean, Connie, Sasha, Historia, Ymir, Reiner... everyone. Everyone he can think of except Eren Yeager. 

There was a point you also acted like that with him, actually even more than before - but as Eren’s feelings for you grew, his ability to handle your affection only dwindled. You got in a fight over it during your sophomore year of high school and you told him you’d stop if it made him uncomfortable. Eren, because he’s not very bright, agreed because he wasn’t ready to confess just yet. 

And.. in terms of how longing goes, the lack of affection only seemed to make him want it more. You and Eren are still close but just.. best friends close. And Eren wants to be a lot more than best friends close with you. Despite the very small drift in your relationship - he’s still the same old bratty Eren Yeager. 

For example, he’s hated every single boy you’ve ever dated in your entire life. Every time a new boyfriend has entered the arena, everyone jokes that before they worry about meeting your parents, they should worry about meeting him. You’ve dated some worthy men in your life, an entire Neuroscience major when you were a sophomore, an athlete, a graduate student. Eren hated all of them, since who could be better for you than him?

Despite his constant protest and disdain for them (which you’ve promptly ignored), your relationship with the Neuroscience major lasted almost an entire year. Eren was insistent with his pestering about it but you weren’t swayed. The reason you broke up is still unclear to him but he didn’t care either.

You never seem particularly heart-broken by any of these break-ups. Historia likes to call you stone cold but you sigh and shrug. They’re good but none of them have been “the one” is what you always say

Eren is just happy you’re single now - after about a year of dating, you’ve come to this party to celebrate with your friends about being free of a relationship and you seem happy. Ymir has her fingers on your hips a little bit more than necessary and a hand on your throat when you lean back to dance. You don’t seem to mind, smiling with all of your teeth as you throw your head back, tipsy. 

The way Eren watches you while you dance is telling. Love-sick like cupid himself has shot an arrow through his heart.  Everyone knows. Every single person on this campus, every friend, all of your parents combined. Everyone knows this shit but you. 

He’s made it his lifes mission to evade this information from your pure, unknowing ears. It’s the one time Eren simply can’t find it in himself to brave. You present to him the one thing he never really faces… consequence.

The reasoning is admittedly unclear on his end about why he hasn’t just said fuck it and confessed. He’s said a number of things about it. He’s not ready, what if you don’t like him back and you never speak to him again, what if you’re upset with him. All of these are valid concerns to the blind-eyed and to the outsider. 

But his friends, Armin and Mikasa namely, know much better than his bullshit. He’s ready he’s just terrified. Mikasa has never heard you say it explicitly, but call it intuition that she knows you like Eren back. She told one time in middle school that she liked Eren, but she’s well and over that. She’s literally dating a girl from her Anthro class You won’t listen to her no matter what she says but, she knows that you like Eren. She knows in the way your eyes flutter when he’s around - how your hands reach from him so briefly but the retract from touching him like you’ve agreed on. She can just tell.

They, more than anyone, find this clown show miserable to watch. Armin is too tired to care and Mikasa isn’t really sure how to approach so they do their best from a distance. Armin finds himself placing a hand on Erens shoulder to which Eren slumps forward. Jean sighs at his sorry state. 

“C’mon Yeager, how bad could it really be? It’s Y/N... they’re like the nicest person ever,” 

Connie gives Jean a look before laughing, rolling his neck a little. 

“Yeah to everyone except Yeager,” Connie comments unhelpfully. Eren gives him a little glare, elbows on his knees as he holds his face in his palms. He finds himself folded over a little, palm on cheek as he stares at you. 

He can’t even be mad at him… it’s true. 

“Why is that, though?” ―  Sasha asks, face deep in a bag of Doritos ― “Aren’t you guys childhood friends? Shouldn’t you be like... super close? Armin and Y/N are super close?” 

Eren groans again as Armin sighs. 

“They got into a fight sophomore year and Eren is overbearing,” 

“Am not,” 

“Yes, you are, Eren,” Mikasa adds after a long while. Eren gives her a pleading look but she refuses to cut him any slack. Sasha nods like it makes sense and Eren is even more upset by that.

“Well, Yeager - if you never confess, maybe I’ll have to slide on over and - “ 

Eren’s eyes go hard, brow bone furrowing, eyes losing all of their light. 

“I’ll beat the shit out of you if you get near ‘er,” he spits.

Connie doubles over in laughter. 

“Well, I’ll be damned,” ― Connie comments, relaxing into his seat ― “But if that’s how you really feel - pretty sure ol’ dude is gonna come back to tryna win her back,” 

“Haru is coming here? Seriously?” Armin asks, seemingly perplexed. They have classes in the same building and it was almost a given that he never went out to any parties. He studies his ass off and rarely ever made time to do anything but see you. 

“Who the hell is that?” 

“Seriously, Eren - you didn’t even learn the dudes name?” Jean asks. Eren squints. 

“Haru is her ex-boyfriend,” Mikasa answers. Eren stiffens immediately but Connie pretends not to notice, looking at Armin. 

“Yessir. Caught him on campus yesterday, he looked disheveled. Said he was gonna try and get back with her. Gave me a whole speech about her and I had to sit there and pretend like I cared..” Connie says with a yawn. Jean breaks out into a fit of laughs as Armin quickly catches on to Connies scheme. 

“Seriously? He’s not very talkative,” 

Connie nods and takes a hit of the blunt, blowing it out before continuing. 

“Yeah. Apparently, he’s really serious about her. Bought an engagement ring and everything,” 

Mikasa cuts in this time, knowing but wanting real confirmation as she stares at Connie. 

“Seriously?” 

Connie nods, honest and relaxed.

“Seriously,” 

Eren sits for a long while processing what Connie has said. His heart might fall of his ass, the way it drops into his stomach.

“Damn… they were only together like a year and he deadass wants to propose? Y/N’s must be something special,” Jean hums. Connie nods.

“Shit, they’ve had Yeager in a trance for damn near 15 years. Gotta be some kinda hex,”

Eren, decidedly, doesn’t hear the rest of the conversation. Instead, he stands up on his feet and stares at you for a while as his friends go quiet.

“Damn,” ― Connie chuckles ― “Did we break him?”

“I’ll be… right back,” Eren says absently, immediately heading towards you. Mikasa almost goes to chase him but Armin keeps her at bay.

“Yeah,” ― Jean sighs, chuckling ― “Definitely broke him,”

—

Eren finds you grinding slow to Brent Faiyaz song with Ymir. Your clothes are much tighter than he’s used too - they show off your figure so much it almost makes him angry but he swallows it down anyway.

“Hey,” ― he says, voice low as Ymir gives him a side eye ― “Could I talk to you real quick?”

You pause your movements, stumbling a little. You smell like perfume and cognac, but you smile anyways as you give him a once over. You brush your hands down your pants.

“Uh.. sure. Did you need something?”

He nods, hands in his pockets. Ymir steps always like she knows something, and maybe she does. She always seems to.

“Yeah.. just for a bit. Sorry to interrupt,”

You shake your head, waving him off as you lean over to give Ymir a kiss on the cheek. Eren swallows the jealousy in his mouth.

“Thanks for dancing with me tonight,” you tell her. She gives you a shrug.

“Thanks for dancing with me baby, take care,”

Before you get in a good wave, Eren decides hearing Ymir call you baby is enough to put him in an early grave and drags you away to the balcony before anything more can happen.

Once you’re out there - view of the whole campus and then some sits beneath you. You’re too busy shaking off Erens rough hands to really notice it, frowning.

“You’re too rough, ‘ren,” you say with a sigh. He almost goes to reach for it but he stops himself.

“Sorry,”

You shake your head

“.. ‘s fine,” ― you tell him, a soft yawn leaving your lips ― “What’s up,”

He stares at you for a long time. He knows that he has to tell you now. That even if it’s unlikely you’ll say yes, you could and then he’ll really lose out.

But he has to know first. He stops and waits, turning to look at you with his hands in his pockets.

“Why.. did you break up with your ex-boyfriend..?”

You seem taken aback by the question. For good reason, since Eren never really takes interest in your love life for anything other than the fact you’re single. Your eyes widen before softening. You go from staring him to the staring at the floor.

“… Why do you wanna know,” ― you say, crossing your arms over your chest uncomfortably ― “That’s unlike you,”

He takes in a sharp breath.

“I’m.. I just wanna know why. You two dated for a year. What happened?”

You feel something bitter inside of you. Something unrequited, a relationship demarcated by distance and unspoken feelings. Memories of Eren’s outburst, of fights about boyfriends and butting heads. It comes rushing back all at once. You grit your teeth.

“I don’t feel like telling you,” you reply, simple and straight-forward. You know that he won’t drop it but you just don’t think you can get in an all of this today. He looks at you like he’s offended by something you’ve done but you hold your ground, crossing your arms under your chest uncomfortably. 

“Why not?” 

You’re a little too tipsy to figure out a good lie, and you’re already exasperated with his attitude. You’re used to Eren being overbearing but it’s too much for him to do this. 

“Because I don’t feel like it and it’s really none of your business,” 

“How’s it not my business?” 

You glare at him. 

“How the hell is it your business?” 

He scoffs at you. 

“I’m your best friend, obviously it’s my business” 

It feels so bitter in your mouth, coppery like the taste of blood when you think of why. When the reason is standing right in front of you with that hardened glare on his brow and that arrogant fucking attitude you have a love-hate relationship. When the reason you broke up is asking you about it even though he’s never cared before. It makes you so angry, these feelings you can’t tell each other. 

“It doesn’t matter if you’re my best friend, you’ve never cared before and I don’t know why you decided to now,” ― you say, hands trembling, turning on your heel to leave ― “But I don’t want to talk about it. I’m going back inside,” 

You try to leave but Eren has you by the wrist, and he’s so much stronger than you that when you spin around to face him, chest to chest, you leave a little gasp. And he’s looking down at you with fire in his eyes, jaw feather with something sinful. He has you pressed to his chest and the contact overwhelms you. He smells so nice and he’s so strong and it’s making you dizzy. 

“Eren,” ― it comes out weaker than you intend, pushing him with your hand on his chest ― “S-stop. I know you don’t like when I touch you but I’m not budging on this,” 

For whatever reason, your words seem to make him angrier. More desperate but he lets go and you stumble. You look at him just to make sure he’s okay, watching as he pinches the bridge of his nose. 

“Connie..he said he saw your ex on campus,” ― and he swallows something in his throat. It’s the first your hearing of it so you listen ― “Said.. said that your ex was comin’ here tonight. Said that he was serious about you,” 

Your eyes go wide. It’s the most Erens ever cared to know about your relationships. 

“That he.. bought you a ring. He’s coming here tonight to win you back,” He explains. You soften a little at the thought. 

“...He is?” 

Eren runs a hand through his hair, so frustrated he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He stares at you. 

“Are you serious about him? Haru, if he comes here tonight.. are you gonna get back with him?” 

You raise your brow at him. He doesn’t seem angry anymore just desperate. Almost sad. You scratch your arm, uncomfortably. 

“Haru is a good guy, Eren,” 

“Answer my question,” 

“Eren,” you repeat. He looks at you, strained. 

“Please.. just.. answer me. Please,” 

You don’t know how to feel but you know you hate the sound of his voice this upset. You shake your head, messing with something in your pockets. 

“I dunno,’ren. Maybe. We broke up because I just don’t think we were on the same page, but he’s a good guy,” 

Eren takes a step towards and your heart races. You wonder what Auntie fed him to make him grow like this broad and tall and athletic. You blink at him as he looks down at you. A little gasp leaving your lips as he places a hand on your face. Your heart pounds. 

“What are you -” 

“Don’t say maybe,” he interjects, running his thumb under your eye. 

“Eren -”

“Wh-what are you doing, ‘ren? How drunk are you?” 

“Don’t get back together with whatever his name is,”

“Haru,” 

“Don’t get back with him. 

You want to say something. There are so many questions but they remain lodged in your throat, somehwere beyond your reach. You cough a little and his hand is still on your cheek and he’s so close you don’t know what do

“Why not?” you ask finally. 

“Because,” he replies childishly. You frown at him, but there’s nothing harsh about it. No matter how he acts, you always find him endearing. 

“Because what, Eren?” 

“Because..” ― he stops, and closes his eyes, and drops his forehead on yours, arms wrapping around your waist like this is even close to normal ― ��Because... it should me your with,” 

It feels like the whole world comes to a halt. 

“What?” ― you gasp ― “What did you just say?”

He swallows. 

“It should be me. Shoulda always been me,” 

“Eren, slow down. What are you even saying?” 

“I’m saying I’m in love with you. And that you shouldn’t get together with that fucking  -” 

“His name is Haru,” 

“Didn’t ask,” he replies shortly. It’s like his words don’t reach you, too foreign. 

“You’re...?” ― you push him back, you try too but he’s so strong so he keeps you right where you are ―”You’re in love with me?”

“Always have been,” 

You shake your head like you’re in some kind of dream, pinching yourself to see if you’ll wake up. It feels too real, his voice and his breath like mint and beer and his green eyes and pretty long hair - all of it is too much. 

“But then.. during sophmore year,” 

“‘s when I realized,”― he explains, voice softer than you’ve ever heard ― “I was too nervous to tell you that when you touched me I thought I was gonna die,” 

That makes you laugh and your laugh makes him smile. You settle back down, still lost but he’s so comforting. Your hands end up on his chest and you look at him. 

“Been in love with you since we were kids. It was always you and it’ll always be you. I was too scared to tell you but I can’t... can’t let you go like that. I can’t stand it,”

You fidget, dropping your head.

“We uhm.. the reason I always break up with people is ‘cause I was trying to get over you. I didn’t think I..had any chance especially since I thought Mikasa liked you,”

Eren’s eyes widen,a grin breaking out onto his face as he hugs you so hard you yelp. 

“Fuck, you’re so cute,” 

You let out a little whine but you melt anways because of course you do. 

You stay like that for a while. The music blaring, the night going cold - all of it fades into background noise as you sheepishly hold each other. And Eren will squeeze you tight like he’s trying to remember you’re still real. 

You pull back, just to look at each other but neither  of you can hold your smiles in. You break out into giggles together. 

“We’re both stupid, huh?”

“Always have been,”

Your smile settles in your cheeks and it’s too much. But you let him hold you and he seems starved for it. 

“Missed touching you,”

You scrunch your nose up.

“That’s dirty, Yeager”

His eyes widen, shaking his head. 

“That’s not what I fucking meant -” 

“Later,” ― you hum, a little sleepy ― “You can touch me all you want when we get to my dorm,”

His eyes widen and he prays to ever god he can think of that he survives long enough to see heaven like you’ve promised. He swallows. 

“R-right. Right,”

You chuckles before leaning up on your tippy-toes. 

“For now though.. think it’d nice if you kissed me,”

He lets out a shaky breath.

“Fuck.. Can I?” 

You nod. 

“Please do,”

And he does, leans down with his hand cradling your neck to kiss you as hard as he can. It’s gentle but messy and needy. Hot mouth pressed against yours, hands moving down to hold and touch you wherever he can. All you can think to yourself is that you’ve never felt it like this before, the electricity running through your whole body. From the tips of your fingers to your toes, you grab his shirt like you can’t get enough. Maybe you can’t. 

You kiss for so long and only pull away when you remember you’re supposed to breathe. Lips swollen and his face covered in gloss. 

“H-how soon can we get to your dorms?”

You giggle. 

“You’re down bad, Yeager,” 

He laughs too. 

He figures he can’t really deny it now. 

You hold onto his arm. 

“But we can skip the rest of the night, right now,” ― you say flush ― “If you want,” 

“Yeah... yeah I want that,”

[dreaming-about-fanfictions]

Choose Me Instead II Draco Malfoy x Reader II Chapter 19 of 27: Cursed

Summary: Pretending to be in a relationship with Draco Malfoy to get back at your ex might have not been the smartest idea you ever had. Especially during your last year of Hogwarts where you should be focusing on exams and your future plans. However, you were just pretending. There was no way in hell you could actually catch feelings for someone like Malfoy. … Right?

CHOOSE ME INSTEAD MASTERLIST CHOOSE ME INSTEAD PLAYLIST

A/N: Better late than never lol! Here it is! Thank you for being patient though! ilysm <3 This was a difficult one, I hope you like it! Btw, I recently found out that Dracos mum is called “Narcissa” and not “Narzissa” in the english version. She’s called “Narzissa” in the German Books. However, I’ll keep calling her Narzissa in this story (because I’m lazy and don’t want to change it). Enjoy!

Words: 3.4k Pairing: Draco Malfoy x Reader, post war Warnings: tw eating disorder (mentions of it) --> please be aware that the way eating disorders are approached by the purebloods in this story is not something i (the author) approves of. I just thought it’d be a more realistic way for them to act like this.

It felt wrong.

Draco only used the Room of Requirements to be with you. He never went here on his own. Not that he would ever admit it – but the room scared him. The last time he’d been here alone was at the beginning of this school year. He found out then that it didn’t change for him anymore. All he saw when he walked in were the dirty, cracked windows and the flies and spiders that died in front of them. Old furniture, forgotten books and dirt was scattered around, piling up and towering over him.

As he stood there, his gaze was drawn to the end of the room. Hiding behind the corners, buried under black linen, there it was. The vanishing cabinet. He felt its presence. Looming, waiting, calling for him. Alright, to be fair, the last part was probably only in his imagination. It didn’t change his feelings towards this particular room of Hogwarts though.

It was different when you were with him. It changed for you and turned the monster that it was for Draco into a purring housecat. With you, it felt like a vacation. As if he had travelled to a small cottage, far away from roaring cities or ancient castles.

However tonight, you were not here. Astoria Greengrass had taken your place. She sat on a couch across from Draco, back straight, hands neatly folded in her lap. Her black hair was tied up in a bun and not a single strand of hair was out of place. The spitting image of her mother, Draco thought. He had always wondered about how different the Greengrass sisters looked. Astoria inherited the sharp features, thin lips, and slim figure of her mother. Daphne resembled their father a lot more with her round face, long blonde hair, and the doe-like eyes. The both of them were like night and day. Yin and Yang.

Draco looked around the room which had turned into a smaller version of the Slytherin common room. All the important details where there – from the green colors to the Slytherin emblems on the pillows and carpet. Only the windows were out of place. They didn’t offer him a view inside of the lake but were the same cracked ones, he had seen one too many times in his life. It reminded him that he wasn’t here with you.

It felt wrong.

 ***

Draco leaned back against the chair. He crossed his leg and his fingertips tapped a non-recognizable rhythm on his right upper thigh. Astoria didn’t look up at him when she spoke. He could tell that the words had been carefully chosen in advance. Remembered and recited in front of a mirror. Yet she couldn’t meet his eyes. Draco noticed the way she plucked at the skin on her thumb.

When you’d ask him tomorrow for how long the conversation went on, he wouldn’t have an answer. Time seemed to stand still the moment Astoria opened her mouth for the first time.

“Say something,” she whispered when she finished, and the silence became unbearable.

Draco noticed that there wasn’t a fireplace. Another thing that the Room of Requirement had gotten wrong.

“Say something,” Astoria repeated herself, her voice shaking a little more this time.

Draco stopped the tapping. “Is that why?”, he finally asked.

She hesitated and then nodded. Draco sighed and looked out of the window.

“I’m sorry,” he said after a while.

Astoria scoffed. “Me too.”

“I am,” he looked back at her.

For the first time since he had entered the room, Astoria lifted her head. When her eyes met his, he saw the anger in them. “I’m dying and all you have to say is ‘Sorry’?”, she spat out.

“You don’t know that,” Draco said matter-of-factly.

Astoria raised her eyebrows. “What?”

“That you’re dying.”

She looked at him as if he was a little slow in his head. “I … I just told you.”

“You told me about the family curse,” Draco corrected her. “No one can say if it will happen to you.”

She let out a huff, stunned by his reaction. Had he not listened to a word she said? “I told you about the clairvoyant at Knockturn Alley!”

“Seers say a lot of shit.” He shrugged and added: “Especially when you pay them.”

Astoria lost her posture – with wide eyes and a shake of her head, she let herself slump back against the pillows. “I can’t believe you’re not taking me seriously.”

Draco sighed and began tapping on his thigh again. The same rhythm from before. “I am, Astoria. I believe you.”

But I don’t want to, he added in his mind. He had heard rumors of the Greengrass curse before – only once, when he was maybe eight or nine years old and while he pretended to be asleep on an armchair, he listened to his mother and her friend.

“The poor woman,” Narzissa had said. “And those girls …”

“We don’t know if it will happen to them,” her friend replied softly.

“Why risk it though?”, he remembered his mother ask. “And decide to give birth to not only one but two girls?”

“Well, if one dies, she will still have the other.”

Looking back, the joke was tasteless and not the least bit funny. He didn’t remember how his mother responded to it. Back then, Draco didn’t understand what the women were talking about. So he had shoved the memory back and forgot – until tonight.

When Astoria came up to him at the Winter Dance, she was more … vague. Talking about how something had changed in her life, how decisions were made for her and that she was left with no option but to finally confine in him. Merlin, Draco had thought she was pregnant. This was worse – for obvious reasons.

“If you believe me, why are you like this?”, her voice ripped him from his thoughts. Draco hadn’t notice that he was staring out of the window again.

He cleared his throat and focused back on the Slytherin girl. “I believe you’re overexaggerating.” It was the truth. Or better – it was a truth. The one he was able to share with her.

“I’m dying.”

“You’re not!”, he replied with a sharp voice.

Astoria flinched.

Draco sighed and leaned forward. “Look,” he continued, much softer now. “I’m sorry. You’re obviously very scared of this – and honestly, who wouldn’t be after receiving such news.” He paused. “But didn’t you just say you never experienced any symptoms?”

She looked to the ground. “Yes.”

“See?”, a smile played around the corners of his lips. “Stop beating yourself up about it.”

Astorias gaze stuck to the ground. His words didn’t ease her pain, he saw that. “I … Look at me, Draco,” she then mumbled.

Draco tilted his head. “I am.”

“No, truly look at me!” She lifted her head. “What do you see?”

He stared at her for a while. What do you want me to say? He refrained himself from asking that. Instead, for the first time in years, he truly looked at her. Her school uniform was in perfect condition, no spot or loose thread in sight. The diamond earrings sparkled in the soft light and around her neck hung a delicate golden necklace. Her outer appearance was perfect. As always. The only thing that was different were her eyes. He frowned when he saw it. The fire in them. Gone. The arrogant spark, challenging every Ravenclaw and Gryffindor that didn’t get out of her way fast enough. He wondered when it had left her.

“I resemble a corpse! I swear, my grandmother had a better complexion than me on the day she died!”, Astoria continued after another minute of silence.

Oh. Draco blinked. She meant that? He wouldn’t have noticed that in a hundred years.

“And I’m so thin and –”

“Because you’re starving yourself,” Draco interrupted her and immediately scolded himself for it.

Astoria, who was in the middle of shifting to a different position, stopped, and stared at him. “What?”

Draco pondered for a moment about his next words. Astoria and her fucked up relationship towards food wasn’t a secret. Well, not since fourth grade when rumors started spreading about the true reasons of why she was always so eager to get to the nearest bathroom after meals. And then her bones began to stick out underneath her school uniform. Everyone noticed it. Everyone looked the other way.  Problems like hers … they weren’t uncommon among their circles. Yet, they were problems to keep to behind closed doors. They were private. Nothing to talk about.

“Everyone needs an outlet for the stress that comes with living like we do,” his father had once said. “Women are just worse in finding the right one.”

Oh, how he hated his father.

Draco smiled sadly at Astoria. “Everybody knows, Astoria.”

“Knows what?”, she asked sharply.

“That you have issues with food.”

Astoria blinked. “I … you’re such an asshole,” she then exclaimed. “You’re an asshole, Draco Malfoy.”

Draco sighed and shifted positions. “Anyways,” he tried to change the subject. “You’re scared, I get it. But so far, you don’t have any symptoms. In fact, you started feeling ill once your mother went with you to see the seer, right? It frightened you and now you can’t stop focusing on that fear.”

Astoria scoffed. “Thanks, Mr. Therapist. You’ve got it all figured out, haven’t you?”

“No,” he shook his head. “I’m just guessing. It doesn’t make sense to care so much about something that might not even happen to you.”

“Doesn’t make sense to you, you mean”, Astoria corrected him.

Draco frowned.

“Because your problems are much more important.”

“My problems are real.”

That was probably the wrong thing to say in this situation. Even Draco realized that. The words had just slipped out. He hated to admit it but the egocentric, narcissistic part of himself believed them.

Astoria stood up abruptly. She smoothed over the fabric of her skirt and tucked a strand of hair that had fallen out of her bun behind her ear. She then looked at him, no expression on her face. When she spoke, her voice was calm and quiet: “Fuck you.”

With long steps Astoria made her way towards the door.

“Shit,” Draco mumbled under his breath and got up as well. “Astoria!”

She didn’t turn around.

“Astoria, wait! Please!”

The last word made her stop, hand already reaching for the doorknob. As she turned around, there was a bitter smile playing around her dark red lips. “Why?”, she asked him. “I trusted you with something and all you’re giving me is shit.”

Draco looked down to the ground and then back up. “I don’t know how to respond to this.”

“With empathy, Draco,” she folded her arms in front of her chest. “You might want to look that word up.”

Draco let out another deep sigh. A part of him secretly wished she would ignore him and just leave. It would be easier for him. Knowing this wasn’t an option for her, he finally walked towards Astoria. He pulled her into his arms and hugged her tightly. His words had failed him, they had made everything worse for her and he hoped from the bottom of his heart that this would ease her pain just a little. Astorias body went stiff at first – only after a few seconds did she let her body relax. She leaned into his embrace as if someone took a weight off her shoulders.

“You know I’m here for you,” Draco whispered. “And I will be there in case …”

“In case, I’m dying after all.”

When Draco breathed in, he could smell her lavender shampoo. “Yes.”

Suddenly, her petite body began to tremble. At first Draco mistook it for giggling, then he heard the soft whimpers against his shoulder.

“It’ll be fine. I promise.” He hugged her tighter.

“You can’t promise me that,” she sniffed.

Draco let go of her and took a step back. He put a hand to her cheek, making her look at him. “The curse hasn’t been around for decades. It might skip your generation again.”

Her eyes were red and her cheeks puffy, silent tears running down them. “I’m so scared.”

“I know.”

“Please marry me.”

Draco closed his eyes at her plea. His head suddenly hurt and he wished you were here. You’d know how to handle situations like this.

“Astoria …”

“I know you don’t love me,” she interrupted him, her voice still trembling. “You couldn’t.”

He opened his eyes, looking at her in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“You love her.”

Her. You. Draco blinked. “What? No, I –”

“I realized it on New Years Eve.” She wiped the tears from her cheek, still holding on to him with her other hand. Astoria cleared her throat. “I didn’t believe it in the beginning but … it’s so obvious. You love her so much, how could I ever expect you to look at me the same way you look at her?”

Draco shook her head. “Astoria –”

“But you know the relationship has no future. Neither of your families would ever agree to it. You know it. You know it in your heart.”

The piercing pain in his forehead grew stronger. When he’d remember this moment, Draco wouldn’t be able to describe his feelings. Her words barely managed to get through to him. You love her, he heard her say over and over again. You love her.

No. He didn’t love you.

He couldn’t.

“Marry me,” Astoria repeated herself and took a step closer again. She had to lift her head to look into his eyes. “My family will secure the future of the Malfoys.”

“I …”

You love her. You love her. You love her.

“What do you get out of it?”, he finally managed to get out and tried to focus back on her, feeling weirdly out of breath.

Another tear rolled down her cheek. No sobs this time. “Once people will be able to see the sickness …”, she hesitated. “I won’t be looked at as the second daughter who’s living in her sister’s shadows.”

You love her.

Draco furrowed his brows at her words, utterly irritated by them. “Nobody thinks that, Astoria.”

She laughed. “Yes, they do! Daphne has always been prettier, smarter, more desired. I can’t compete with her. I am the leftover Greengrass that no one wants and that’s now dying from a family curse. Because of fucking course it would hit me and not my picture perfect sister!”

Draco stared at Astoria.

“But with you,” she continued. “With you people would see that I’m more than that. That I’m worthy of attention and of love despite … being me.”

This is wrong on so many levels, he could hear your voice in his head, clear as day.

“Have you met with the therapist yet?”, Draco suddenly asked out of the blue.

“What?” The Slytherin was thrown off by his question. “Yes.”

“Did you talk to her about this?”

Hearing this made her drop his hands, taking a few steps back. She buried her face in her hands, taking a deep breath. “Oh, fuck you, Draco!”, Astoria muttered. “Stop trying to analyze me!”

“I’m not!”, he assured her. “But … Astoria, this is so fucked up what you just said to me.”

She looked back up at him. “You’re such a hypocrite.”

“Excuse me?”

She chuckled. “You spent a few months with a Gryffindor and now you act like our values mean nothing to you when you are the one who used to scream ‘mudblood’ the loudest.”

Draco swallowed.

“Merlin, what is wrong with me,” Astoria sighed. “After everything I just confessed, you don’t find it in you to show me a little mercy and change your mind?” She smiled at him sadly. “Do you want to marry me?”

“No.”

You love her.

 ***

The talk with Astoria left him feeling uneasy.

It handed after she asked Draco to marry her a second time and he declined. She nodded when she heard his answer, sniffled, wiped the remaining tears away and left. Not without saying “You’ll change your mind sooner or later”. When she was gone, she didn’t take the anxiety with her. Draco had to deal with that on his own. Now, as he walked through the halls of the old castle, his steps were stiff, and he had deep lines between his eyebrows.

“Calm down, she has no symptoms,” he mumbled to himself as he turned another corner.

Yet.

What if he would be wrong after all? What if the curse wouldn’t skip another generation of Greengrass women and fall upon her? What if she would die and he made her last remaining years even more miserable in her eyes because he turned down the proposal?

What if, what if, what if.

He wanted to talk to you about all of it. You’d tell him he didn’t have to feel bad. He didn’t owe Astoria. He shouldn’t be put in this position in the first place. You would find the right words. To be honest, Draco knew all of this himself. He just wanted to hear you say it out loud. Hear the words from another person to ensure that he was right. That he wasn’t crazy or selfish for not sacrificing his life, his future, for a dying girl.

“She’s not dying,” he reminded himself. A Hufflepuff boy passed him and frowned.

“My family will secure the future of the Malfoys.” It was the argument his mother had used against him countless times. He was certain that he’d hear it a lot more often soon. He was aware of how strong the argument truly was. His family could return to their former glory with all the luxury that came along with it. Fancy parties, status, high-paying careers – something he had been promised his whole life and that was stripped away the moment he was forced to become a Death Eater. The promise of a good life. An easy life.

Maybe life shouldn’t be easy for them. At least not so fast. Maybe his father shouldn’t come home from Azkaban one day to live like nothing ever happened. No, Lucius Malfoy deserved to suffer longer than his time in prison. And ultimately, so did his mother and Draco.

Draco gritted his teeth at his thoughts. He couldn’t marry Astoria. Not for that reason. Not to make the life of his family easier. His parents needed to work and plea for their redemption. Just like he did.

“Watch it, Malfoy!”, Seamus Finnigan hissed when he bumped into him. He came out of the library, a stack of books in his arms.

Draco didn’t look at him. Until now, he hadn’t even noticed that he was walking towards the library. It made sense though. The bag that hung from his shoulder seemed to become heavier with every step. The black notebook. He needed to write.

 ***

You sat alone on a table, hunched over a book. More of them piled up next to you, accompanied by an overused quill and bottle of ink.

Exams, Draco remembered. How easy it was to forget those mundane things in the midst of all the sadness. Exams, followed by entrance tests to become an Auror. Draco smiled at the thought of you fighting evil. He was certain that you’d excel at it.

He stopped in the middle of the corridor, not caring about the annoyed huffs and curses from students who almost ran into him. He watched you. The way you sometimes licked the tip of your finger before turning a page. How you sighed and frowned when you didn’t understand a passage.

You love her. The words shot through his mind.

It was different to the scenes he had read in books when he finally saw it. When he blinked and it was suddenly so clear to him. His heart didn’t stop, his knees didn’t become weak, he didn’t hear violins around him. No, a ray of sunlight that fell through the window and hit your face, caused you to lift your head. In that moment, your eyes found his. A smile played around your lips as you waved at him and pointed at the seat next to you. And it was so clear to him, that he wanted this all along: to be with you. To come home to you.

You love her, Astoria had said. 

And he knew she was right.

***

A/N: How did you like it?? I’m so excited to hear from you!! <33

CHAPTER 20

HP Masterlist General Masterlist

Tag List:  @writerdee1701, @youareinllve, @sjmahoney, @detroitobsessed, @takura-rin, @jadam268, @wynterwind,  @renaissance-confiance, @doitforthevine67, @ilovemollyweasley, @flowerpowerpixie, @gold-flowing, @starkssnarks, @bookcornerkins, @harpersmariano, @markedsweetly, @iraniq, @pointlesscoconut, @hvrcruxes, @pillowjj, @idkatee,    @magicwithaknife, @graystherapy, @scoote-rankle, @nxstalgicnxbxdy, @sunsetsofanemoia,  @tommy-holland, @lordfxxker, @streetfighterrichie, @awaken-the-sirens, @destiels-assbutt13, @pockitparks, @just-addicted-to-bangtan, @cuddlykoala101, @zpandaqueen ,  @natsiboo, @jjjmaybank, @justmesadgirl, @books-and-tings, @slytherinprincedracom , @katiaw2, @saintkore, @nctnight, @lifestragedy, @obxmxybxnk, @spideydobik , @ladylizzieofdarbyshire, @aspiring-ginger, @dracomalfoyswifey, @jpow345, @realistic-breadstick,  @abbs-is-tired, @alwaysbeanunknownfan, @niallsarmveinstho, @is-this-a-febreze-commercial, @acciowilltolive, , @sexytholland, @faangirl101, @donttellany1iusetumbler, @mendesmuffinsss, @lilxnvm, @kill-the-teen-memories, @darkusangelus, @itsbebeyyy, @hesaidimcrazy, @jenniweaslee, @hpxpjo, @brisbubble, @xomaymay, @shitnstuffillregret, @serialkillme, @angel-tears15, @panicattheeverywherekid, @obsssedwithjustaboutanything,  @nobleking, @tashii-blr, @ddaeing, @randogirlo-fando-main, @sadgirlnumber92899, @captivateing, @bitchyegirl, @smiithys, @ninipoo1, @intheawks,  @nothanksnyla, @calpal-4ever, @dracosathenaeum, @belsandthings, , @kiwi-sloan, @xdmx, @lexi-ravenclawdracomalfoy, @kvyenxay, @live-awkward, @babebenhardy, @bitchysweets-blog, @cravingmusic, @frau-moon, @ohissandhalasta,  @broken-but-beautiful-cassie, @lil-black-heart,  @vminenthusiastt, @dracos-sluts, @mrmoonyy, @saucysuazo, @fuzzzwald, @matsuno-nadeshiko, @amber-arsenault ,  @loveableasshole,  @spideycures, @echpr, @shiningstar-byulxx,  @twinklebug2282, @bloodiedroses, @klthmef, @ostorian ,  @bi-chai-tea, @maddieisnotok, @amandaluvssupernatural, @makeoutwithstiles,    @i-am-addicted-to-tea, @tenclouds, @lovingdracomalfoy, @lannaax, @dr-bitch-bby,  @fallinallinmendes, @suckerforparker, @runninglownad, @piercinghorizons, @dosicas, @yanaaaaaaa,  @akzer300500 @hoseokslily, @dracofeltonmalfoy, @emilianamason, @tothemoonwithclifford, @gcldreinhart ,  @angelofthorr, @k-k0129, @musicalmuffindog1410, @andydre4m, @mxl-foyrecs, @seeinorange, @vlgsqd , @justmimithings, @allthevoicesinmyhead, @pipppaaaaalouisee, @yessirrz, @2think2twice2 @spencerreidisbootiful, @find-a-little-faith, @thatguppienamedbae, @emmamarie7708, @dontpanicitsdan @jordaangx, @ceeellewrites, @drxcomvlfx, @7minutes-tomidnight, @coldheartedslytherin, @wingardiumdepressionosa, @perfect-storm95, @danisaur1324, @unlikely-y-bliss, @trentdijklfc66, @saptediavoli, @treestarrrrrrrr, @aangsupremacy @yaanasluv, @megamihatake, @lavenderblossom12, @bimbelle, @beiahadid, @weasleytwinswheezes, @bogikrmn, @gublerslut, @prongsandprancer, @superkawaiicandyfloss , @instantllamaruins​

If you want to be added to my tag list, let me know! <3

[tiffanylamps]

thank you so so so much @b1uetrees for always thinking of me!! You babe! 💛💛 favourite colour: probably still green, tbh. Although, during this time of year, I do have a soft spot for reds, oranges and browns

last song: i apologise if you feel something - bring me the horizon

last series: the last series i completed was Sex Education. season 4 was... okay. not the best, but alright, still (they tried to focus too many characters and social issues at once, it left the series feeling a tad hollow and the characters undeveloped). last movie: i honestly don't know... the closest thing was a youtube video essay investigating the first vr sex cult 😬

sweet/savoury/spicy: i gotta agree with you iva, it has to be all three at the same time

currently watching: Black Sailllllllls!!! we've almost completed season 3, already! i'm so sad that it's coming to the end so soon. i know i have another season to go, but i want to live with these characters so as long as i possibly can. (apart from that, i watch a fair amount of twitch streamers (1030, limmy, BOZE, Devon Bumpkin are my go-to's), true crime videos, and some kpop related content)

other stuff i watched this year: One Piece, Kingdom: Legendary War, The Merciless, The Last of Us, Your Name Engraved Herein, Dear Ex, Marry My Dead Body, Don't Look Up, Nimona, The Good Nurse, The Swimmers, Beef, The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent, Glass Onion... I rewatched a few of my favs as well and i probably watched loads more than this, but this is all i can remember

shows i dropped this year/didn't finish: Little Women (the korean show), Narco-Saints, The Real Bling Ring Hollywood Heist. Dropped them all for different reasons, but i guess the thread that binds them is that they didn't capture my interest

currently working on: uhm, my health (physical and mental). i haven't worked on anything creative in a long time, and i'm giving my brain the space it needs to recover before pushing myself to focus on that part of my life. i do have a video edit idea, but i haven't started it yet (i hope i do get around to doing it soon)

currently listening to: this ep again as it pretty good to listen to when writing

currently reading: i've been reading a few fics that are unrelated to beyond evil... i've also started reading No Moral - Tehanu... tbh, i don't know how i feel about it yet, so i might not finish it, if i don't end up finishing it, i have The Twyford Code and The Appeal (both) by Janice Hallet waiting for me. I bought TTC for my mum a few years ago, and now she's lending them to me (i should really start them lol)

current obsession: i like listening to vods on twitch while i play Stuff Sort on my phone, also black sails, f1 (not sure if i would say i'm obsessed, but i do consume a looooooot of that sport), stray kids (i didn't think i would ever get so into kpop, but these boys are captivating), aaaaaaand... idk.... sunshine

i'm gonna tag (sorry if you've already been tagged) (as always, no pressure): @l-tyrell @ettelwenailinon, @evil-moonlight, @fridayvelvet

thank you @luke-skywalkrs and @crowleydiaz for the tag!! these are 2 slightly different tags so i put them together hehe

tag someone you want to know and/or some of your besties.

favourite colour: bluuue

last song: not sure but i was listening to talk's new album last night, so a sonmg from the tracklist

last series: class of '07 (underrated, this show was a fun surprise)

last movie: the eras tour movie

sweet/savoury/spicy: savoury and sweet are pretty equal, and spicy super close as well

currently watching: lol just a silly dating show

other stuff I watched this year: honestly i haven't watched a lot of stuff this year lol, which is definitely a weird thing for me

shows I dropped this year/didn't finish: ted lasso (i plan to finish it tho)

currently working on: a buck + yellow set

currently listening to: nothing at the moment, but lately i've been listening to noah kahan and hozier a lot

currently reading: i finished a fucking great fanfic yesterday and i don't know where to go from there haha so nothing at the moment

current obsession: oh probably hozier tbh

tagging (no pressure!): @aziraaphales @tawaifeddiediaz @negansmiith @disasterdiaz @laurabenanti @lightasthesun @bellamyblakru @sophiadimartino @folk-fae @eddiebabygirldiaz @honestlydarkprincess @heartshapedvows

[dreamwritesimagines]

Merry Christmas love! I hope your holidays are wonderful and you get a lot of happiness and rest 🎄❄ and on a different note, omg bucky is pissing me off so much(: he's SO condescending with the whole "he's not ur type, I know what u like" attitude, when he has literally no right and NO PLACE to be having that attitude with her right now(: he keeps calling her peaches after she's repeatedly told him not to, he has the audacity to get jealous?????? how does he even do that when he himself was with someone else???? he's arrogant and a hypocrite, he acts like he's entirely unaware of the situation HE put them in, he's just so fucking sure of himself and so sure that she's gonna take him back(: if they're gonna get back together I just wish it would take a LOT of time, and that Peaches would stop giving him the time of day for a long time, because honestly right he's just being one of those unbearably annoying exes that for some reason see u their property even after the break up and that go around thinking that u can't live without them

idk if that was the intention, maybe I'm just cold and very unforgiving but omg I can't stand him lol

Ooooh that was totally the intention and I know what you mean darling! ❤ Absolutely! ❤

I think we're actually seeing the worst of Bucky and I also think that for them to move on, they both needed to see that, the worst of each other 😈 Peaches has killed someone and (even if it hasn't changed his love for her), it made Bucky see her in a completely different light, now he knows what she's capable of ❤ And Peaches can actually see a different side of Bucky that she hasn't before, the spoiled, arrogant side that he always kept away from her 😏 They grew up very differently and Bucky's upbringing has a huge role on his personality and now, -if they get back together- they will be aware of each other's bad sides as opposed to before ❤❤

Thank you so much love! ❤❤❤

[knightotoc]

Musical Numbers for Star Wars Characters

I’ve been a Theater Kid longer than I’ve been a Stanakin

Anakin, who caves to temptation: Out There (context: Barnum is psyching himself up to cheat on his wife)

Out there somewhere just out of sight, There’s a world that’s blazing with light! Ain’t each man alive got the right? To stray just a mite from the straight and narrow, Shoot through the night like a flaming arrow...

Obi-Wan, chivalrous and delusional: The Impossible Dream (context: Don Quixote keeps a self-imposed vigil over his armor while he stays at a shitty hotel)

To dream the impossible dream, To fight the unbeatable foe, To bear with unbearable sorrow, To run where the brave dare not go.

Padme, who’s got a bad feeling about this: The Best of Times (context: the homophobes are vanquished and it’s the grand finale! love wins!)

Now... not some forgotten yesterday! Now... tomorrow is too far away!

Ahsoka, who has lost everything, even her faith: Endless Night (context: Simba mourns Mufasa after Timon and Pumbaa unknowingly mock his words)

Sleepless, I dream of the day When you were by my side, guiding my path. Father, I can’t find the way.

Luke, who has tasted adventure: Giants in the Sky (context: Jack has gone up and down the beanstalk)

And you’re back again, only different than before... After the sky!

Old Luke finally returns to the Force ... and to Leia: No One is Alone (context: the giant is vanquished but at a terrible cost -- a different sort of grand finale)

People make mistakes, Holding to their own, Thinking they’re alone... Just remember, Someone is on your side... Someone else is not.

Rey pins all her repressed hopes on one old loser: The Wizard and I (context: Elphaba’s embarrassing magical secret is out, but to her shock it’s landed her an awesome interview)

And this gift or this curse, I have inside, Maybe at last I’ll know why!

Kanan is starting to really believe in Hera’s rebellion thing: Step One (context: Charlie Price realizes he can save his family business by making shoes for drag queens)

I used to live in limbo never dying to begin, But now it’s sink or swim, so I’d better dive right in --

Revan in an amnesiac haze: Once Upon a December (context: Anya sees problematic dead people manifest as rosy visions)

Far away, long ago, Glowing dim as an ember, Things my heart used to know, Things it yearns to remember.

Malak, Revan’s sidekick unto the end: Waiting in the Wings (context: Cassandra vents her frustrations as her perfect friend Rapunzel sleeps)

Guess we all are born with parts to play, Some of us are stars, and some are just in the way.

Kreia, bitter and thriving: So What? (context: ❤️👑Sara Kestelman!👑❤️)

If it ended that way, Then it ended that way. And I shrug and I say, So what?

And now these get really degenerate

Maul tells Ezra about the Dark Side: The Beauty Underneath (context: the Phantom is hanging out with Christine’s son and realizes that he’s his son too -- yes this is from the sequel, this song fucks)

Do you find yourself beguiled By the dangerous and wild?

Hux is the spy!: Damned for All Time/Blood Money (context: Judas sells out Jesus)

I have no thought at all about my own reward!! I really didn’t come here of my own accord!!!

Exar’s evil ghost taunts his righteous ex, Ulic: Superstar (context: demon Judas taunts Jesus on the cross)

Did you mean to die like that? Was that a mistake or Did you know your messy death Would be a record breaker?

Important observation: Both the sequel trilogy and the Tales of the Jedi comics have unsatisfying endings, but they would have both been perfect if they had made Huxlo and Exlic recreate Jesus Christ Superstar. Woulda been hot!!!

Daegen Lok (he’s rad as fuck, trust me) reunites with Hadiya’s old defeated generals to try to take down the Jedi again: Are You In Or Out? (context: the villain song from the better Aladdin sequel. kind of offensive lol)

I’m the one you need for a dirty deed. I’m the best; success is guaranteed!

The Knights of Ren’s ghosts make fun of Rey: One (finale) (context: our beloved cast of wannabe actors take their bows and are subsumed into a flawless ensemble, just like how the KoR became one with the Force)

One moment in her presence and you can forget the rest, For the girl is second best to none, son! Ooh! Sigh! Give her your attention! Do! I! really have to mention! Sheeee’s theeeee Oooonnne!!!

[muwur]

haikyuu x otome: masterlist | rules

prologue

» synopsis:   a haikyuu x reader au where you, the player, are bound for university in a metropolis several hours away from home. hope and excitement are replaced with dread as you come to realize that juggling life as a student and a part-time employee takes a toll. from demanding classes to a ruthless manager, life just can’t seem to give you a break. that is, until you meet a certain someone who reminds you how to live and follow your dreams. somehow, when you’re with them, time stands still. maybe things are finally starting to look up. if only you could stay in those moments for just a little longer.

» gn reader

» ngl came out longer than i expected but thats ok LMAO,, them otome intros be unnecessarily long too mb; 3.1k words

» note: if u rllyy want u can kinda skip or just skim this, the gist is that you move in n meet like 3 ppl LOL

The train hummed as it zoomed through the landscape, leaving behind the familiar people, sights, sounds, and smells. Yawning, you rubbed your nap away from weary eyes and peered out the window. Just hours ago you had waved a bittersweet farewell to your town, friends, and family, who woke at the crack of dawn to send you off with tight hugs and teary-eyed wishes of good luck. 

Your heart lurched at the memory. You’d miss them. In an effort to part happily, you promised to come back for the holidays, call often, and hook your friends up with any cute people you just knew would match them. Glancing down at your phone, you smiled at the excited text messages from your friends. Your fingers tapped away at the keyboard in response.

‘Just woke up from my nap. I think I’m here!’

Outside, buildings scraped the clouds and their windows shined in the light of the afternoon sun. Cars honked, bikes swerved, crowds bustled. On one end of the block, a man on a ladder was painting a sign for his store, while on the other end , a street performer danced energetically in her black shoes. Smoke emitted from a food vendor’s stand, where a man skillfully flipped some meat and vegetables on a stove, even throwing his spatula into the air to entertain his customers. The city was alive. 

Stepping off the train, you clutched your belongings and felt a sudden rush of exhilaration. You were finally here. You intended to take a deep breath, in order to take in your first taste of this city’s air, only to stop halfway in a short hacking fit to expel train exhaust from your lungs. 

‘That was pleasant,’ you grumbled to yourself, still coughing as you made your way off the platform towards the street. Luckily, Lyft existed. And it was cheaper here! Within minutes of your order, a black Toyota pulled up in front of you. The driver smiled and stepped out of the car, their wavy brown hair bouncing against their shoulders. “Let me help you with those,” they smiled as they offered to take your bags and put them in the trunk. 

“Oh, thank you so much!” What a kind person, you thought as you opened the backseat of the car. Ooh.

On second thought, maybe you were too optimistic. Who knew a 10 minute ride could feel so long? It seemed at least twice that much when you were squished in the backseat with some handsy couple. Just your luck, someone was already occupying the passenger seat. Oh well, a minor inconvenience in the name of saving money. All you could do was shift closer to the door, fix your gaze outside the window, and try to ignore the strange purrs coming from your seatmates. A familiar building caught your eye and you let out a sigh of relief when the car came to a stop. You thanked your driver as you stepped out and pulled your bags out of the trunk. Looking back and forth from your phone to the townhouse before you, you had to admit the real thing looked a little more worn down than how it was advertised, but you couldn’t blame them. I mean, your pictures on instagram aren’t exactly the everyday representation of yourself, either.

Aged wood creaked as you hoisted your bags up the front steps. You tapped  your knuckles three times against the brown door and rang the buzzer to the landlord’s office. 

“Hello? Miss Q?” you asked, hoping the landlord you’ve been contacting for the last two months would answer. “It’s me, y/n, I let you know I’d be coming in today.”

No answer. 15 minutes, a few text messages, and a phone call later, still no response. You groaned. Were you at the right place? Looking back at the address of the building and your location, you were sure this was it. Did Miss Q happen to be out? Or was she napping and just happened to be a heavy sleeper? Maybe her phone died. Whatever the reason, you were stuck out here for the meantime. Shrugging it off, you took a seat on a dusty patio chair and started to scroll mindlessly through your phone to pass the time. Hopefully she’d reply soon. 

The screech of a vehicle coming to a stop caught your ear. You looked up to see that the mover’s van you ordered pulled up across the street. Well, at least your things arrived. You stood up and waved to the man driving the vehicle. Making your way to greet and thank him, you helped him unload your things and set them down on the free space in front of the complex, making sure to keep the pathways clear. Placing down the last of the things onto the ground, you wiped the sweat off your brow, tipped the man, and watched him leave.

20 minutes of that and still you remained stuck outside. The late summer sun was beginning to get unbearably warm. Sitting amongst your pile of things, you couldn’t help but groan inwardly at the thought of all the unpacking you had to do. On top of that, classes begin in a week, and you needed to search for a job as soon as possible to help pay the bills. 

“Erm, hello? Are you y/n l/n, by any chance?” a gentle voice asked.

Lost in your thoughts, you failed to notice anyone had approached you. He was a fairly tall boy with dark hair half pulled back into a messy bun. Freckles adorned his face, complemented by his soft brown eyes and warm smile. He wore a pair of white shoes, slightly distressed lightwash jeans that were rolled up at the bottom, and a loose fitting, olive button up half tucked into his jeans. In his arms was a brown paper bag with a loaf of bread peeking out. 

(I STAN LONG HAIRED/HAIRBUN YAMS SO HARD SO HE’S GONNA HAVE IT OK)

“Yeah, I am! Do you live here?” you responded eagerly, getting up to your feet.

He nodded with a smile. “I do! Apparently Miss Q’s sick and staying at her daughter’s place for now, so her daughter messaged me to help you get settled in. Let me put these groceries away and get your key.”

He disappeared into the townhouse, then returned a few moments later with a key dangling between his fingers. “Miss Q needs a better hiding spot for her spare office key. The plant pot is way too obvious. Anyways, I can show you to your room, now. I’ll help you carry your things up,” he offered.

“That would be great! Thanks again for all your help, otherwise I’d probably have been stuck out here all night,” you said, gently handing him a box to carry.

“Y-Yeah, no problem! Though, Tsukki might’ve let you in if he saw you out here, too. Oh, and my name’s Tadashi Yamaguchi, by the way. Some people call me Yams. It’s nice to meet you.” 

“It’s nice to meet you, too, Yams,” you huffed in amusement at his cute nickname. “Call me y/n.” Carrying some boxes, you followed Yamaguchi into the building. Luckily you were on the first floor, second door on the lefthand side. He fumbled with the key, searching for the keyhole before turning the unlocked knob and opening the door. 

Much like the outside, the interior of the place was also outdated. You both stood in front of the quaint living area connected to the kitchen. In the back, you could see the hallway leading to the bathroom and your single bedroom. The plain, white walls of the room were illuminated by daylight coming in from the windows on the rightmost wall. You could overlook the worn couch and scuffed dining table, though, considering the place was fully furnished and leased at a great price. Miss Q had even told you both the kitchen and bathroom had actually been remodeled recently. 

Going back and forth to take your belongings inside, you thought to get to know your new neighbor. “So, how long have you lived here?”

He pursed his lips in thought and stacked the box he was carrying on top of another one. “Mm, only since the start of summer, actually. My friend and I came here to start university, and one of his favorite museums also happens to be in this city. We come from about 2 hours north of here, though. What about you?”

You set down a particularly heavy bag onto the floor with a grunt. “I’m from a place several hours west of here. I came here for school, too! Are you going to Central University, by any chance?”

“Yeah, I am!” he responded with pleasant surprise and wide eyes. “I guess we’ll be seeing each other on campus, too. Remind me to show you the closest bus stop you can take to get there.” A soft smile formed on his lips.

After finally taking in all your belongings, you collapsed onto the couch in exhaustion. Your eyes flickered over to the brunette, whose chuckle you could hear from across the room. “Long day?” he asked, settling into a spot next to you. 

Groaning, you replied, “I’ve been up since 5 am to do some last minute packing and catch my train.”

“Yikes. Sounds early.”

“Tell me about it.”

A comfortable silence hung in the air for a few seconds. Curious, he piped up with another question. “So, what made you decide to move all the way out here?”

“Hmm,” you began. “Well, I wanted to settle into a new, unknown place, y’know? Explore the world a little more and see what it’s like out here. Be on my own for the first time.”

Yamaguchi nodded thoughtfully in understanding. “I get you. My best friend and I kinda came here for the same reasons. We wanted to expand our worlds a bit. I’ve only been here a few months, and already so much has happened. You’ll definitely get to explore and experience a lot in this city. Things are always busy around here...” he trailed off, checking a notification on his phone that just dinged with a new message. His brown gaze flickered back to you. “Ooh, would you like to have a drink with my friend and I at my place? I live in the room right across from here. You seem like you need a break.”

You could feel your lips curve upwards. “I’d really enjoy that, actually.”

Thus you found yourself in your new friend’s apartment, sinking comfortably into his black beanbag chair, a bottle of cold lemonade in your hand. Taking another refreshing swig, your eyes traveled over to the blonde seated next to Yams on their tan sofa. You could hardly feel welcome when the first words that came out of his mouth after seeing you was a disgruntled “you brought someone here?”, which made Yamaguchi smack the back of his friend’s head.

“They’re our new neighbor, Tsukki! Be more welcoming,” he chided with a roll of his eyes. “Y/n, this is Kei Tsukishima. Tsukki, this is y/n.”

He rubbed the back of his head and glared at Yamaguchi. The blonde sighed, extending a hand out towards you. “Tsukishima. Nice to meet you, I guess.”

“Erm,” you tried to smile, “nice to meet you, too, Tsukishima. Just call me y/n.”

‘How is someone as sweet as Yams best friends with this dude?’

He couldn’t be all bad, you reasoned. Maybe he was just having a bad day,,, or always having a bad day. Regardless, even if your first impression was kinda substandard and underwhelming, you hoped you’d get along. He seemed like the type to need to get to know someone before warming up to them. 

You set the empty bottle atop their maple coffee table. Two hours had creeped by, consisting mostly of lighthearted exchanges between you and Yamaguchi, with a brief, occasional response from Tsukishima. He spent most of the time flipping through the pages of a novel and lightly tapping its hardcover to the beat of whatever he was listening to on his headphones. Yamaguchi suggested getting delivery from a Thai place he liked a few blocks away, and even insisted on covering the cost for you. 

“No, you really don’t have to..! I appreciate the offer, though,” you pleaded.

He shook his head, smiling as he tapped away at postmates on his phone. “Don’t worry about it.” He logged in both your orders and nudged Tsukishima with his elbow. “What do you want?”

Pushing up his glasses, Tsukishima leaned over to look at his friend’s phone screen. A few moments passed before he pulled away and said, “Pad Kee Mao sounds good.”

30 minutes later and there was a ring at the front door. A voice on the buzzer sounded. “I have a delivery for, uh.. Tadashi!” 

“Looks like they’re here,” Yamaguchi said as he stood up. You followed him out to the main entrance. Behind the door was a boy with tousled orange hair and bright brown eyes, carrying a plastic bag filled with takeout boxes. “Here you go!” he exclaimed as he handed you the order. He peered at the brunette beside you, his face scrunching in thought before lightening up with clarity. “Hey, you were with the guy I crashed into the other day! I-Is he okay by the way? Sorry, I was in a really big rush...!”

Eyebrows shooting up in surprise and eyes widening with familiarity, Yamaguchi nodded, “Oh yeah, I remember that! Don’t worry, he’s alright, just bitter and annoyed. I’m glad you seem to be okay, as well.” 

The redhead scratched the back of his neck sheepishly and looked down at his scuffed shoes. “Ah, thanks! Um, is he around? I’d like to apologize for yesterday...”

Yamaguchi smiled. “I’ll go grab him,” he said briefly before heading back to his apartment. 

The delivery boy sighed with relief. “Man, I felt really bad about that yesterday...” he muttered. He looked back up, his eyes brightening when they met yours. “My name’s Shoyo Hinata! People usually call me Hinata.”

“I’m y/n, it’s nice to meet you,” you smiled, offering your hand. He shook hands with you a bit too vigorously, and you nearly dropped the food held in your other arm. “Are you new around here?” he asked.

“Hah, is it that obvious?” you joked.

“Nahh, just a wild guess. You’re just really refreshing, is all! Most of the people I meet seem burnt out, but I don’t blame them. We’ve all got busy lives. Talking to you is nice, though! I haven’t learned any customer’s names, well, since I started working! Then again, it’s only been two months... Anyways, where you from? I was born and raised here.”

If anything, you thought Hinata was the refreshing one. A tad talkative, but refreshing nonetheless. He effused a radiance that matched his vivid hair. “I’m from *insert place here*, a few hours west of here. I just arrived today!”

Before he could give you a response, however, you both heard footsteps approaching. You could recognize Tsukishima’s voice muttering a low “let’s get this over with” from behind you. Now standing at the doorframe, the blonde towered over Hinata. His countenance displayed obvious annoyance. However, he maintained his composure, pressed his finger against the bridge of his nose, and sighed out, “What do you want?”

Hinata bowed. “I’m sorry I crashed into you with my bike the other day! I was rushing to volleyball practice and I wasn’t looking. It was my fault.”

Eyes narrowing, Tsukishima allowed several moments of silence to achingly pass before letting out a small huff. “Fine. Apology accepted.” Shoving his hands in his pockets, he turned around to return to his room. “Watch where you’re going next time, idiot. You’d better hope you don’t run into me again.” A door shut.

‘That was quick.’

Hinata looked up to watch him leave and straightened his form again. Lips pursed and eyebrows furrowed, he crossed his arms across his chest. “Geez, what’s his deal?” Yamaguchi cast him an apologetic look. “Ah, he’s just like that. He appreciates the gesture, though.” 

A high-pitched ding caught your attention. “Ah, I gotta go make another delivery! It was nice to meet you all!” 

Quickly grabbing a bill out of your pocket, you stopped Hinata mid-step. “Wait! Here, please take this. Thanks for the food!”

He accepted the tip from your hands, looking back and forth between you and the money. “Wow, thank you so much! I really hope to see you around. Have a great night!” With a final smile and wave, he bounded off the porch steps towards his bike, hopped on, then disappeared down the street. 

After having dinner and exchanging contact information with Yamaguchi and Tsukishima, you thanked them for having you over and retired back to your room. Drained, you only had enough energy to make up your bed and unpack your bathroom essentials. You trudged into the bathroom. Looking into the mirror, weariness was evident in your dull gaze. ‘Ugh, I can’t wait to sleep,’ you thought as you turned the sink on. The cool water felt refreshing against your skin and livened your senses. You brushed your teeth before retreating to your bedroom and changing into a comfier pair of clothes. 

You checked the time on your phone. How was it only 11 PM? The darkness, coupled with your exhaustion, made it seem at least three hours ahead. You plugged the phone in to charge and set it down on the bedside table. ‘No need to set an alarm,’ you thought, ‘I just wanna sleep.’ 

You took a few minutes to stare at the dark ceiling overhead, thinking about all the new changes coming your way.  New faces, cool food, and exciting places. Hopefully you had some time these first few weeks to explore and familiarize yourself with the city. Excitement mixed with a prick of anxiety as you thought about how you could manage on your own. However, you had faith in your independence. You would be okay. Besides, there were friendly people out here like Yamaguchi, Hinata, and maybe Tsukishima who you could trust if you ever needed help.

It didn’t take long for you to drift off into a deep slumber. You lazily woke up the following morning, yawning with outstretched arms. ‘That was the best sleep I’ve had in ages,’ you thought as you sat up. It was half an hour before noon. The sun shone brightly through your windows, whose curtains were left undrawn. ‘Surprised that the light didn’t wake me up sooner.’ A loud honk made you jump in your seat. ‘Or the noise.’

You drew your legs over the side of the bed and took in the state of your room. Surrounded by stacked boxes and luggage, you were reminded what you came here for. Anticipation collected in your chest. This was the start of the life you’ve been waiting for the past few years. 

‘We’re gonna make the best of this, y/n.’

[fallingsunflower]

So, I guess here comes the Camille ☕️ (if you wanna call it that)

Sorry in advance this gonna be a fucking long one.

If you have any questions just ask.

I honestly don’t know if I should be impressed or concerned that my brain still remembers so much details about this shitshow. But I guess their plan did work in the end.

So you asked about Camille. I honestly don’t even know where to start with that one. I don’t know for how long you’ve been a fan of Harry and how intensively you stan him, but this one send my bullshit detector right off in the same way that Holivia does.

Can’t really explain it but I just smell if something isn’t right. It’s not only that way with Harry but in general. I just KNOW if something doesn’t add up.

The reason hamille wasn’t overdone and ppl believe it was bc it was marketed to be real. It wasn’t for promo in the sense Holivia is or to be shoved in ppls faces. The point was to have a relationship to fall back on when his album came out to be the “long term relationship” described in the songs. To have a certain narrative if you want to call it that.

They only were papped 2 (+the time at the Classic East concert.) They went to really popular places where you only go to when you want to get papped.

Other than that they only posted „sneaky fanpics“ which was on purpose to make them look „private“ but they were anything but that.

I actually had saved so much stuff as proof till recently when I deleted it all bc it honestly has been 3 years and I didn’t think I needed it anymore to help me explain lol. And please don’t make the mistake of looking up Hamille timelines, bc they’re all created by shipper afterwards so 95% of the shit is wrong, in the wrong order or they added the wrong pics to certain events. (If you want to look for pics, specific dates and stuff look them up individually and NOT through shipper pages or similar shit.)

Alright, back to explaining why it was so obvious. Disclaimer: I‘m just gonna point out the most obvious things but there is way more.

Harry started following Camille back in June 2016. They have several mutual friends (Waseem, Alexa Chung, Matt Hitt etc) so I assume they‘ve met before. She didn’t follow back though till shortly before the „relationship“ started. So after Harry followed her in 2016 she started to tag him in posts of her and her friends ass and did that video moaning his name while grabbing her boobs (classy 🤢). Shortly afterwards Harry unfollowed for a while and started follow her again before the mess began.

Fast forward to 2017. After doing „Dunkirk“ and about to bring his debut album out they started the first attempt at what I call a failed narrative with Tess. Not gonna go over that again bc one anon pointed out right how fake it was. They got rid of her rather quickly after she posted several times from his house which wasn’t the „private way“ they intended it to go.

So they were looking for someone to replace her. Cue Camille entering the scene.

Perfect person for the narrative as she’s half french (goes well with Dunkirk promo), is a VS model, have mutual friends and she has several ex bf who have written songs/albums about her. She’s the picture perfect muse for his second album.

Please let’s first talk about chemistry and body language bc I can’t even say how awkward they always were around each other. First the two pap pics from the sushi place and in front of the gym/ yoga place: both times both had closed off body language either crossed arms, Harry walking 3 steps ahead, faces didn’t look pleased at all and rather irritated or as of they just had a fight/ were in the middle of a fight (especially the pic from in front of the yoga place). No touching or anything involved in any pap pics. If you didn’t knew they were supposedly „dating“ you wouldn’t see it.

Let’s get to their behavior at the „sightings“: they weren’t seen much together outside of touring. But when they were seen we got pics in like 95% of the cases and people meeting them always said they didn’t seem like a couple (apart from shippers who made up shit about them all the time).

Even in every „sneaky pic“ there was as much chemistry as in Holivia -> none!

We got a few pics or even videos were you could see them backstage or besides the stage (e.g. 2017 Toronto show: while Muna is on stage Harry and Camille stand awkwardly 3 feet apart from each other, both closed off body language, not interacting with each other. You’d think as they were still in their honeymoon phase at that time and in private, seemingly not knowing that anyone could see them that they acted more coupley or at least would not stand there like 🧍🏻 🧍🏻. (Have you seen him interact with Xander while watching 1D’s opening act? Total opposite to Hamilel and they were „just friends“. Also in other pics Harry would rather cling to her bag / coat etc that he was holding so he didn’t had to touch her or anything. I think the only time we saw them „touch“ was that Classic east concert („relationship debut“) when he awkwardly held her shoulders and she was swaying weirdly. She even tried to touch him or get him to sway with her but he shot that down immediately 🤣. I could go on for longer but you get what I mean...

The next weird thing is, that she was down in literally the pit or sitting with „regular fans“ 97% of the time. Without Harry’s bodyguard around. Sometimes Jeff was with her but mostly she stood there alone. Everyone knew that she wasn’t really popular and liked around fans, so why would you put your gf in the pit with all the crazys or why would you as a gf want to be in the crowd at most shows when you could watch from the side of the stage or backstage? Also the fact that we always knew when she was at a show because she was always „spotted“ even the few times she was indeed staying at the side of the stage, she didn’t stay hidden. Sometimes we even joked about how she wanted to be part of the band or something by how close she stood there in the open. But whenever Anne for example was on tour or close friends of his or whatever they always had someone walking with them for protection and Anne never was like „in the pit“ like Camille. She never followed any of Harry‘s close private friends or family. Only people who she could gain something from. Like Lambert, Jeff, Teasedale, the Crawford’s etc. And she was never at any of the London or Manchester shows where basically all of his friends and family were. Even though she would have had definitely time bc she posted herself and friends doing nothing or trolling in LA all the time in that time. When she was at that show in Paris in 2018, she brought her friend who lives in Paris and her cousin I think. We got backstage pics of them all and Harry and Camille staying as far away from each other in that pic as possible. She was seen leaving as well after that show with her friends out through the main entrance. This was also the show Anne was at and an awkward hugging video of them both came out. Tbh it’s not clear where Camille and co were sitting bc they moved around the arena the whole night. At one point you can see Anne and Camille standing next to each other and all of a sudden Camille was „hugging“ Anne but Anne was so surprised that she was just standing there like 🧍🏼‍♀️ and waited till it was over (that „hug“ looked more like as if Camille tried to tackle Anne 😂). Also serious question and not to make it sound weird, but it deadass looked in that video as if Camille just waited for a sign to go for that hug and that it was being recorded. Because the way the camera was pointing at them all of a sudden and they were just lucky enough to catch that on camera? Yeah sure...

Not to forget, she didn’t seem to have a lanyard like for example Anne had, so everyone would knew that she could move around the arena and crew as she wanted which is fucking weird not to have as a girlfriend especially if you’re apparently on tour for many dates. This also mean she couldn’t join them when she wanted but had to contact Jeff or Harry before so they could give her a lanyards for that specific date or a sticker with AAA. Sometimes she wore a lanyard but that was literally the VIP lanyard that you got when you bought a VIP ticket like any other fan. Didn’t mean she could move freely around the venue. Even weirder is that she put that AAA sticker on the back of her phone after she left tour 2018 and placed it obviously in lots of her insta stories and posts on insta (one where you can see that sticker is still up). Fan behavior not that of a real girlfriend!

Camilles mum followed Hamille shipper accounts at one point and liked a post of them. After that shippers were unbearable. Which mum follows a shipper account on insta? 😬

What I also find weird is that she was barely working and when she did she posted only like 2 about it. I mean it’s part of her job to post stuff like that?! But she went radio silent more often then not to let fans guess if she was with him or if she would turn up somewhere.

Her friends who are all are well in their 30s or older made often „jokes“ about Harry or implied stuff about him or 1D and posted this on their stories and she was laughing with them most of the time... what a girlfriend huh...

Another thing is, she was never at his house in London. Because she was never at any of the UK dates besides that one gig he did for X -factor. They were not much in London at the same time. And when she was alone in London or with her friend, they literally stayed at an AirBnB or a hotel. So I ask you, why would she as his gf of a few months not stay at his place while she’s in the UK? Or that one time when she was in the UK making it look like she was waiting for him coming back from tour in Asia and he stayed extra long there (a week or two) even after tour in Asia finished and she was in London. But he went rather out partying in London. I don’t blame him.

When she was at his show in Milan (2017) she met a „fan“ and they took a selfie in the restroom (classy 🥴🤐) during the concert. Idk but this is one thing which is really questionable bc people were speculating she was at this show but we hadn’t gotten pics yet. So that she then took a pic with a „fan“ coincidentally seems really fishy to me. Also that said „regular fan“ had allegedly floor tickets as you could see in the videos and pics she posted in the beginning of the concert. But after the pic with Camille she all of sudden appeared on the balcony as well, close to where Camille and more VIP guests were. So how did she end up there if she didn’t have connections or was told to take a pic with her so then being on the balcony was her „reward“? To add this woman was close to Camilles age so this scenario makes just less and less sense the longer you think about it.

In May she was still on tour with her then bf in Tokio. In July just two weeks before they were seen together for the first time that awkward Grimmy interview happened. Where he specifically asked about her. And Harry said he „ didn’t know her“. Fucking weird to bring up such a private topic on radio and then be seen not even 2 weeks later. (Not gonna argue on that one, it’s the same like the wedding weekend pap walk just more subtle).

Then there were so many pics of him backstage at that concert, pics with fans, official pics, „sneaky fan sightings“ in the audience... He looked rather uncomfortable holding her shoulders while she was dancing. We know Harry goes often to concerts but when did we ever get so many pics from one? Mostly it’s a blurry pic of him or one backstage pic with the artist, not like the ones we got and certainly not that many. Plus we got an relationship article the day after.

Funny is also how he was on vacation in Muskoka with the Gerbers and Anne at the end of July 2017 shortly before the first spotting of Hamille and Camille no where to be seen.

Now I‘m gonna point out inconsistencies and such might be in chronological order, might be not.

I think the next time we saw them was a „sneaky fan pic“ (just the two of them) without a source from Beverly Hills hotel at lunch. Her friend Lauren posted a instastory being at that hotel right then and there and deleted the story like 5 minutes afterwards. She wasn’t in the pic of the „fan“ so my bet is she was the one taking the pic.

Coming to the stunt props. The „ring“ he was suddenly wearing on his pinky was from Camille. She only wore it once for a photoshoot in 2013 and then all of a sudden she wore it in every story she posted for the next 2 weeks right BEFORE he was wearing it and literally made such a show out of showing that ring that it was so cringey to watch at.

Not to forget his Pink Floyd shirt that was featured in his Rolling Stones mag interview that she not only wore but posted a few instastorys with showing it up close so every Harry fan could identify it from the distinctive holes in it.

Funny was the times she wore „his necklace“ and again posted several stories wearing it and even went to an event with it that Kendall wore before. After people pointed the connection to Kendall out, she never wore it again 😂😂 Harry being papped leaving a gym while wearing Camilles ex shirt was peak comedy.

Camille making a post saying „goodbye“ to her friend Lauren before Christmas in a really distinctive fur coat. Then New Years dinner pics with Jeff, Camille and co came out. Harry looking bored as always around her. Then the weirdest thing: he took fan pics while holding Camilles distinctive fur coat in his hands in every fucking pic. And it wasn’t that cold to wear a fur coat! Why couldn’t she hold it herself while he took the pics or Jeff or put it on the chair beside him? That wasn’t really slick of them.

Then Camille having a girls trip to Corsica and literally posting so fucking often being girls only in cars an what not. Harry was in London out with Mitch and was also seen on other occasions so I assume he went to Corsica for maybe 2 days max to get pics in. (Her cousin/ goddaughter of her mum posted a pic with Harry in Corsica in 2018 from that time). Mind you they could have just „dating“ for maybe 5 week’s max at that time bc they were never at the same place at the same time before maybe late June, and that’s when Robin died and he was home so I doubt that’s when they met. I assume 1.st proper meeting was in early July or after the Grimmy interview.

Harry filmed the Manchester special for his album in Manchester literally right before he went to HC with Camille. Yet Grimmy, one of his best friends at least at that time, never followed her or hung out together.

The next thing is her being in Holmes Chapel. She hinted at it on insta, like she did EVERY time she would be around Harry. Also appearing in every pic of him in the background when she was around. Even posted a story of random people with Harry’s voice in the background. That’s also a point why it was so obviously fake.

She posted in a train and captioned it with something like „England ❤️“ and then a cow (similar to Olivia with the hedgehog and caption) and then appeared in every pic we got of him that weekend.

She turned up to several of his shows, yet NEVER to his hometown shows (neither London or Manchester) where all his family and friends were at. She also only followed people beneficial to her career like Lambert, Jeff and co but never anyone of his real friends or family even though Gemma followed her after Christmas 2017 (which was taken as the „proof“ that they spend Christmas in HC🤦🏻‍♀️ and we got this photoshopped pic of Hamille which turned out was an old pic of originally Harry and Gemma. Glenne also never followed her and Camille was also never seen with Glenne it was only ever Jeff around and people noticed that (probably why we got now the joyride etc including Glenne).

Ok so what do we have next? The charity gig where his mum celebrated her 50th bday with everyone wearing a yellow flower crown. Everyone besides Camille. She wasn’t invited and just was brought to them while Harry was already singing a song, Gemma looking annoyed in the video her friend posted. Before Harry’s set was over someone came and took Camille with them again while Anne, Gemma and co stayed in the crowd. So why was she even going to them and didn’t stay backstage if she clearly wasn’t invited to celebrate with Anne and co and left before Harry even finished his set. We got also pics of a bday dinner with Anne, Harry, Gemma and all the friends from the concert but without Camille. This was also the gig where he was groped on stage.

After that charity gig in late October Harry went to tour in Europe. He stopped wearing the ring and seemed happier than before somehow. I went to the Cologne show and let me tell you, it was fucking nuts! His energy and the way he was smirking all the time not to forget Kiwi twice.

You’d think Camille would have been quiet now on sm that Harry wasn’t around, but it was exactly the opposite! It was like as if she had to remind everyone that that „relationship“ was still „on“ after he ditched that ring bc she was literally unbearable on insta. We got her and friends singing SOTT on karaoke (while she was wearing the Kendall necklace like mentioned previously), then she did a whole photoshoot (sorry but that’s just what it was) with her friends Djuna + Nik whit a very distinctive blue totebag Harry was carrying around just a week or two before while meeting fans in LA and she did the same thing like she did with the ring and posed with that bag in every angle. As if all that wasn’t enough in the space of 3 days she then celebrated Halloween with her friends and 2 or 3 of them wore costumes that reminded of 1D and Harry. All this happened between his cologne show and Halloween. Trolling at its best.

Then Camille decided to turn up to tour in Europe but she didn’t choose days when he actually had time off (even though she evidently didn’t do anything in LA besides trolling the last few days) so she decided to pop up when Harry had shows back to back and needed to travel to them as they were all over Europe. He had two more Berlin 7.11. and an event in London on the 6th) before she turned up on 8.11. in Amsterdam where she met Ella his cousin who followed Camille then (but Camille never followed back), 9.11. Italy x-factor, 10.11. Milan , 11.11. London X-Factor). He clearly didn’t have any time then which gets even more ridiculous if you know that she was back in LA by Monday the 13th the latest bc a photographer „exposed“ her being on set early that day. So why did she even bother turning up to tour that time when she could have done earlier and be at his homeshows?

Another thing is, when Harry went to NYC at the end of January 2018 to perform with Fleetwood Mac he didn’t take her instead he took Jeff and Xander was there as well. But no Camille. Right before was one of the rare times they got papped. Harry as always looking irritated around her. And them looking as if the soccer mom collected her son from practice😂

On his b-day her friend Lauren posted Camille chilling at their home reading and hanging out with her. Harry was officially MIA but a good friend of mine actually saw him while walking her dog the next day in Hampstead rather covered up with another guy (assuming his trainer or PA) trying not to be seen. She is not a huge fan of Harry and only knows him bc I‘ m a fan but she texted me right away saying something was weird about how he was trying to not be seen.

And on cue allegedly someone (real estate Agent from London) said he was on her flight to London over a week later (even though I knew he was already there for a while).

So the last time they were actually seen together was the day they were papped (I think that was even the day of the Grammys).

Then the thing about her quitting smoking bc she was „ dating“ Harry 🤣🤣. The way she even lied about that. She posted a video and made a few instastorys throughout that year to say how long she didn’t smoke at that time „bla, bla, bla“ and Harries ate that shit up. She was caught so many times lying in regards to that. Her friends and co were the ones to always expose her accidentally. She appeared in so many stories in her friends stories were she smoked a cigarette and not „just“ a juul like she always liked to pretend (not that a juul would be any better lol). Harry probably didn’t like it when he had to be around her for longer periods of time and she would smoke around him or smell of smoke so she had to pretend she cared for his sake and quit publicly. To say is also that she publicly started smoking again after she came back from tour end of March/beginning of April 2018.

Now speaking of the big tour in 2018. Camille seemed to had joined tour again at some point. She was at the Paris show like mentioned earlier but then only joined tour 2 dates or something later in. Someone „exposed“ her of staying with friends in each city she went on tour with at that time instead of staying with him. I think he also got fed up with her bc Harry & band + some of the crew went to museums in each city. But of course Camille had to post something every time they were at a museum and so it didn’t take long till fans caught on and turned up en masse in these museums so he couldn’t go there anymore. I would have been pissed too if I were him. And girls who’s dad is the director of one of the museums did meet Harry at the museum and he invited them to the show and backstage. These girls said Harry and Camille didn’t look or behave like a couple at the museum, he was mostly around the band and she on her own. And backstage the same thing. She was kinda just there and nothing more. Not long after that she left tour and only turned up at the Ireland show and then later the NYC and LA one.

Speaking of the Ireland show, that must have been the most awkward thing ever. I saw a few videos from people who did constantly film the side of the stage and she is staying alone there with the sound guys while Mabel was performing and Harry was standing backstage with Jeff and the band, watching Mabel and preparing for their prank they did on Mabel.

Twice Harry is walking past Camille and didn’t even acknowledge her. She was once again just standing there. You could almost feel bad for her, but only almost. Then he went to prank Mabel on stage with the rest of the band and was so affectionate with Mabel something you never saw him be with Camille.

After that show the trolling did turn down a bit for a while but like 2 days before the concert she posted a Mick Jagger pic and everyone knew she would turn up in NYC. And she proved us right bc she posted about being on a plane the minute she stepped foot in said plane 🤦🏻‍♀️. At the show itself she was in the crowd/pit with with Xander, Waseem, Matt Hitt & Jeff but Jeff had to fetch her again a lanyard at first for that day bc she still hadn’t one although allegedly „dating“ him for nearly a year at that time. You’d think she had one for the whole tour but nope. And after the concert Harry was once again out with friends while she stayed with another friend in NYC. Between the NYC and LA show she was seen being cosy with Alexander Skarsgard and then her now bf Theo Niarchos. To the LA show she turned up with Djuna, Nik and another friend. All of them sat up pretty high in the nosebleeds while Kendall and co where in the family and friends lounge right above pit. And Camille and co left a little earlier before the show finished and left through the front entrance. Suspicious is also that the „break up“ was announced like exactly on the year mark of the start their „relationship“. Sorry that I wrote so much. And I probably still missed a lot but I hope it’s gotten clear what I mean.

I'm still reading this through but wanted to post for those asking about it!!

Thank you!

[electracraft]

Thanks for recommending Casey Aonso's shipping video, I feel like everyone involved in fandom culture should take a step back once in a while to evaluate our behavior as fans. I see some posts sometimes and I have to take a step back to remind myself we're talking about real people, because holy shit, the amount of reaching and projecting in shipping is so overwhelmingly obvious sometimes, especially with younger and newer fans. But that video reminded me how terrified I am for d+g,,, I love their dynamics, especially how non-toxic they are with e/o, but the fandom is getting HUGE and I can't help but fear they'll reach a breaking point in the future, we've seen it happen before and I would hate if their friendship got fucked over due to harassment from fans, like srs, dream replied to that one tiktoker on twitter and everyone was losing their shit on the tl, and don't get me started on the shit people post on tiktok. I know they've been friends for years and you can't really treat these situations equally, but the fans are all the same jfjfjfj Idk I'm just afraid the type of fandom culture and reputation dnf is building rn will come back to bite them in the ass in the future lol D:

Sorry for bringing negativity to your blog, it's just that the video really got me thinking, but you can ignore this if you want hehe love ur blog :*

hi, don’t worry i’m always down to have a discussion, and this is kind of a topic that i brought up myself, so i’m happy to talk about it :)

i love casey aonso and i liked her video, but she focused on the toxic aspects that come from shipping when the people involved are actively against it because it impacts their lives negatively. and it is completely understandable. but she didn’t talk about anything similar to dnf, a situation in which the content creators are very open about their consent to shipping, which in my opinion makes a very big difference.

having concerns is valid, and i agree that we should always step back from the fandom to avoid creating an echo chamber that can bring to crossing a line.

but we shouldn’t forget that dream and george have been friends for years before doing youtube and streaming together. they are obviously very close and i don’t see this changing any time soon. so i really wouldn’t worry about their friendship (also because frankly it’s none of our concern to speculate about this kind of stuff, if it becomes too much of a problem they will address it), but really more about the fandom and the direction it’s taking.

here on tumblr it’s very peaceful, but i assume it’s not the same on other platforms. and while dream and george’s friendship isn’t at risk at all in my opinion, we basically know for a fact that if one of them were to get a girlfriend she would not have a great time. maia flirted with george on twitter once and for more than a month probably all her twitter replies were about george and dream, and she also got hate for this. this is obviously only a small but very annoying part of the fandom, but the thing is that it’s not an issue that you can easily solve. especially in a fandom that is this big and that grows this fast. content creators can address it if it becomes unbearable, but as fans there’s no much that we can do about it other than avoiding engaging with it. 

and i don’t even wanna know what it’s like on tiktok... but as i already said my opinion is that it’s not our place to be concerned for dream and george’s friendship or boundaries, as they can set them themselves and have known each other long enough to do this. what we can be concerned for is the fandom spaces that we are in and how we engage with them, because it is easy to overstep and create an environment that even if it’s not against the content creators boundaries, can become still toxic for other reasons (ex when “shipping” borders the line of fetishization, when the parasocial relationships are taken too far etc)

sorry for the long rant, i don’t know if this makes sense but i will excuse myself by saying that english isn’t my first language lol

[chocosvt]

⚬ pairing: seungcheol x reader. ⚬ word count: 4865. ⚬ warnings: drinking / smoking. ⚬ genre: mostly angst, fluff, some suggestive/borderline nsfw scenes. a casual life!au? (meaning he isn’t an idol) 

✧✎ synopsis: seungcheol knows you’re no longer together, that he should’t be thinking about you as often as he does, and yet, you keep appearing. his heart doesn’t know how many times it can afford to split.  

✧✎ a/n: i really wanted to write smth as i work toward finishing that other massive fic. so HERE. bc i miss seungcheol ;-; and idk i just like angst lol. 

i.

Seungcheol doesn’t know if it’s right for him to be looking at you like this. It doesn’t necessarily feel wrong, but there’s a distinct craving in his gaze that spots him with doubt. You’re not together any more. The chapter where your lives were once romantically intertwined was coldly shut months ago, leaving little room for reconciliation or even the most surface-level of acquaintances. Yet, Seungcheol is struck with a sudden pining as his eyes inspect you from top to bottom across the room, finding it pure luck you were both at the same new year’s party.

There’s a doorway from the living room that leads into the kitchen. Seungcheol is sitting on the sofa with a jade-tinted bottle in his hand, though the amount of alcohol he’s consumed since first arriving has greatly subsided. He’s too distracted by you to even raise the bottle to his lips, nor does he adequately listen when Joshua attempts a conversation. You’re talking to some people he doesn’t recognize, your eyes rather milky and a shiny can in your hand. He stares at the side of your neck and thinks it would be nice if he were giving you a hickey right now.

“Hey.” Joshua bumps Seungcheol’s shoulder and the boy finally turns his head.

He sees Wonwoo and Hansol as well, who give Seungcheol a warm glance. He notes that Hansol is carrying his signature black lunchbox.

Joshua then leans toward Seungcheol’s ear in order to whisper over the music: “We’re going outside to smoke, you coming or not?”

Seungcheol shakes his head. “Pass,” he says, “I don’t really feel like it.”

He pays attention to the beer in his hand, titling his head back as he gulps down a significant amount of the tangy, bubbly flavour. It doesn’t taste that good, and the bottle’s not even cold at this point, but Seungcheol figures he should just finish it anyways. Joshua sees you in the kitchen, leaning generously against the sink while you attempt to smile at the strangers who converse with you. It was worth a try to get Seungcheol off the couch and away from lamenting at your lost relationship, but he’s unimaginably stubborn when he wants to be.

“Okay,” Joshua replies, patting his shoulder, “don’t get too hung up or anything.”

Seungcheol watches the small crowd weave their way through the congregation to reach the patio door, the last he glimpses of Joshua being his bright blue hat before he slips into the chilly night. Quickly, Seungcheol polishes off the remaining alcohol inside the jade bottle, heavily swallowing the deep burn that melts down his throat while deserting the glass on the arm of the couch. He senses a distant thrumming in his cranium, knows he’ll regret every sip by morning, but for now he cares so very little.

As he leans back in his seat, Seungcheol comes to focus on the body that’s suddenly standing right in front of him. It’s weird, who would do that? However, the breath instantly whisks from the boys’ lungs when he realizes that it’s not just some intoxicated, fucked up stranger who isn’t even cognisant of what room they’re in. It’s you. You’re standing in front of him, to which Seungcheol poorly hides the stupor that colours his face. Before he can stumble out a single word, you’re straddling his lap and settling your hands against his firm shoulders.

Evidently, Seungcheol doesn’t know what the hell is happening. Neither of you are in a sober headspace. Furthermore, he hasn’t touched you (let alone been this close to you) in almost three months. Out of habituality, he grabs the familiar warmth of your waist, the simple contact with your skin igniting an emotion that was once wholly repressed. Staring into your eyes, he sees how foggy they are. He knows his can’t look much different.

“W-What are you doing?” Seungcheol stutters, his cheeks hot and sunset pink.

At first, you don’t speak, only crack a small smile while wrapping your arms around his neck, bringing your faces in close proximity until you’re practically breathing the same air.

You blink at him heavily. “Kiss me.” You whisper against his mouth.

Seungcheol doesn’t believe he’s capable of ever denying you.

The next few hours seem to seamlessly blend together. Seungcheol remembers the intense make-out that ensued on the couch and the little regard he carried for the environment around him. Once he tastes the sharp liquor from your lips, he completely submits to that catastrophic buzz you give him. Feeling your weight push down against his lap, how your fingertips slip through his soft, onyx hair, the way it feels morally wrong to welcome your tongue into his mouth, but so physically right that Seungcheol can only pull your hips closer.

He remembers the warm, open-mouthed kisses he nipped to your sensitive neck, murmuring in a slurred, gritty tone: “let me take you upstairs, baby.”

Joshua might throw the remainder of Hansol’s stale bong water over his head if he discovered what you and Seungcheol did. Somehow, there’s an empty bedroom available at the end of the dim corridor. After falling onto the sheets, you hastily pull the white top over your head and fling it toward a dusky corner, reaching for Seungcheol as he climbs over top your body. While pressing more heated kisses against your throat, already bruising and marked with indents from his teeth, Seungcheol’s hand rubs a sweet friction between your thighs, right over your jeans.

He hears you release a small cry of his name, your nails dragging down his back.

Nothing has ever made his heart shake more.

ii.

Seungcheol is confused as to what time is it. There’s no alarm clock on the bedside table, and his phone is buried within the pocket of his navy green jacket slumped at the end of the bed. He can’t hear much from the level beneath him. Looking toward the blinds, he can only gauge slits of the night sky. All of a sudden, there’s a sickly coughing noise from behind the shut bathroom door, to which he views a small sliver of yellow light underneath. Seungcheol notes the empty space beside him. He hears another cough, followed by a pained and irritated groan.

Damn – you have to be hungover.

Stumbling drearily out from the bed, Seungcheol brushes away the black strands of hair that flop before his eyes. He almost topples over trying to get his boxers back on. The pounding in his head isn’t unbearable, and he figures he’ll be fine after getting some water in his system and dozing off to a few painkillers. Seungcheol taps his knuckles against the bathroom door.

“Hey,” he calls out, his voice still thick with sleep, “how bad is it?”

There’s a moment of silence. Seungcheol assumes it must feel bizarre to have your ex consoling you through a hangover, especially considering the history of last night.

“I don’t know…” comes your weak response, “I think I’m dying.”

Seungcheol leans his head against the wood and laughs. “You’re not dying, honey. Can I come in?”

The door swings open, and Seungcheol sees you half-dressed in your white t-shirt and underwear, a watery film in your eyes and a look of pure exhaustion draining your countenance. Then, you’re immediately collapsing back to the cold tiling, leaning your head against the side of the bathtub while the toilet sits across from you. This doesn’t feel like an unfamiliar scene. Seungcheol used to always nurture you through your intoxication, and at least this time you possess enough strength to stand without your legs trembling.

“You want me to get you anything?” Seungcheol asks. “Water? A wet cloth? Some pills?”

He doesn’t know where he’ll get the pills. It’s probably three in the morning, but he figures the convenience store in town might still be open.

You swallow tightly and wrap your arms around your knees, the fluorescent lights gleaming against your balmy, flushed skin. It seems as though you won’t look him in the eyes. Seungcheol understands. This isn’t supposed to be happening. Neither of you should be in this bedroom.

A poignant sigh escapes your chest. “What’s wrong with me?” You ask, the water glimmering bright in your eyes. “Why did we do this?”

Seungcheol stiffens. When he catches a glimpse of his body in the mirror, he can read the hazy extent of your night together. The bruises are tinted like cherry and violets, smudged against his chest, his collarbone and neck. Even now, as he really concentrates, Seungcheol can feel the cool air sting dully against his back, which he can only hypothesize is decorated in long, deep scratches that will possibly burn like hell in the shower. His body hasn’t looked like this in months. There’s a clandestine part of him that wishes the marks will never lose their vibrancy.

He doesn’t know how to soothe your conflict.

Instead, Seungcheol takes a seat on the edge of the bathtub and stares down at you tenderly.

“I don’t know,” he replies, “we don’t always make the right decisions.”

You tilt your head back and meet his eyes. Seungcheol’s chest flutters.

For a moment, you look like you want to say something; however, an immediate grimace wrinkles your face and a tight hand is curling around your stomach. You scoot close to the toilet, holding onto its rim while a heavy cough burns acrid against your throat and suddenly, you’re upchucking the potent, venomous liquor from last night. Seungcheol collects your hair in his hand, pulling it back from your face. Once the surges calm for a few minutes, you’re too energy-depleted to do much apart from hang over the toilet, Seungcheol rubbing your back.

It’s three in the morning, but he feels like he would do anything for you.

iii.

Seungcheol opens his wallet and forks out the bills necessary to cover his lunch. He slides out from the booth first, accompanied by Seokmin and Jeonghan who suggested they go out to eat after their basketball game. Seungcheol trails behind them on his phone as they walk down a slim corridor toward the front of the restaurant. He’s texting Joshua about what their fridge looks like, and if it’s necessary to ask Jeonghan about making a stop at the supermarket. The afternoon light is dull as they enter the front house, and Seungcheol sees it’s raining outside.

“Wait—,” Jeonghan stops them before they can leave. “Let me try the gumball machine. Does anyone have ten cents?”

“The gumball machine?” Seokmin laughs. “Are you a child?”

“Shut up.” Jeonghan tuts in response. “I want a pink one. Now do you have ten cents or not?”

“Sheesh, give me a second, I’m checking.”

Seungcheol has developed the skill of tuning out their innocuous banter. He looks through the windows and into the downpour, which ripples unforgivingly against the glass and slicks the pavement. For their sake, he’s glad Jeonghan was able to find a parking spot across the street. As the boy gets down on his knee and crams the small coin into the slot, cranking the handle, something manages to catch in Seungcheol’s peripheral vision. His heart skips a beat. You’re looking out the window while nibbling worrisomely upon your bottom lip.

“Are you freaking kidding? Orange? That’s the worst.”

“Why does it matter?” Seokmin quips. “They all taste the same.”

Jeonghan huffs petulantly. “But I wanted pink! Do you have another ten cents?”

Seungcheol hasn’t seen you since your wicked hangover at the New Year’s party. Though it’s a moment of the past, he remembers the situation so vividly, even more so how restless he felt afterward. He was unable to remove you from his mind, and he thought about you so often that he felt the ache with his whole chest. You haven’t noticed him yet. Seungcheol wants to approach you, though he’s not sure how kindly you’ll react or if you’ll brush him off.

“Awe, yes! Pink!”

Jeonghan stands triumphantly from the gumball machine. He holds the pink candy between his fingers and gets ready to pop it straight in his mouth, and yet, the slippery thing flings from his grasp at the last second. The gumball hits the floor, rolling outside into the rain just as someone runs indoors with their umbrella. Seokmin starts cackling, and Jeonghan just looks like he wants to go home. But Seungcheol can’t leave right now. He decides he has to talk to you.

“Meet you guys in the car,” he says, “I have to do something first.”

Seungcheol taps you on the shoulder. You jump slightly, and he feels bad about scaring you, but he’s relieved to see that your expression is cordial rather than aggravated. It blatantly feels strange. You don’t resemble a stranger, yet you’re not extremely clear to him either.

“Seungcheol? Did you eat here?”

The boy nods. “Yeah, I came here after basketball with some friends”

“O-Oh,” you stutter, looking off to the side, “I’m just waiting.”

You then gesture out the window, toward the grey, heavy rain. Seungcheol spots Seokmin and Jeonghan walking across the street, sporting their jackets pulled over their heads, looking somewhat like imbeciles who he has a soft spot for. At one point you were close with both of them, but now Seungcheol doesn’t even know if you still keep in touch. When you broke up, your worlds started floating apart, and that included contact with each other’s friends.

“Right,” Seungcheol snaps his fingers, “you’re still doing the tutoring thing at the library, huh?”

A timid smile pulls on your lips. “I’m tutoring someone today, but it’s so rainy out. I don’t think it’s gonna pass very soon.”

Seungcheol finds that he doesn’t even process what comes out from his mouth. There’s a sudden rush of giddiness in his veins, and he feels like his nervous, sophomore-self that once crushed on you before your relationship even started. At the same time, it’s an offer he used to make without thought when you were dating, and it warps into a conflicting, emotional mess.

“Do you want my windbreaker?” He asks, plucking at the black and white fabric. “It’s waterproof and stuff.”

Your mouth hangs open for a little bit.

“Uhm… I just—I don’t know, you don’t have to—,”

“It doesn’t matter, seriously.” Seungcheol replies, staring into your wide eyes with a soft expression. “Just give it back whenever we see each other again, okay?”

You lick your lips, swallowing tautly before nodding your head. Seungcheol removes his jacket and helps you slip into the material. It’s a little bit big on you, and the hood droops down far over your face, but, god, seeing you in his clothes engenders Seungcheol’s heart to beat so unbelievably fast. He experiences a concoction of different emotions, different memories. He remembers how it felt seeing you wear his t-shirt after the first time you slept together, how he felt when you’d set up a long distance skype call and you’d be dressed in his old hoodie.

Everything comes rushing back. He doesn’t want to walk away from you, but he knows it’s wrong to linger. You don’t belong to each other anymore.

But at least he’ll get to see you again.

iv.

Seungcheol bounces the basketball a few times against the lacquered floor, feeling the leather texture brush beneath his palm. Then, he takes a deep shot, watching the ball suction perfectly into the hoop just before it echoes against the ground. He was the sole person occupying the gym after a late-night practice. Seokmin was with him about ten minutes ago, but he ended up packing his things and heading off to shower stalls, wishing Seungcheol a goodnight. Even though Seungcheol said he would be leaving shortly, he didn’t know why he was still here.

He picked the ball up and tossed it again, hearing the satisfying swish of the net.

The gym doors suddenly squeak, loud and metallic, to which Seungcheol takes out an earbud assuming that maybe Seokmin forgot something. However, the face that smiles at him doesn’t belong to Seokmin at all, and Seungcheol feels his heart soar. You’re holding the windbreaker that the boy let you borrow during the downpour last week, and he hears a relieved sigh.

“I figured I might catch you here.”

Seungcheol smiles and sets his earbud back in. It astonishes him that you can recall the days he has basketball practice, though Seungcheol supposes it makes great sense considering you used to attend all his warm-ups and games. He grows oddly fond seeing you from the court again.

“Just put in next to that black bag on the bench.”

“I never got to thank you for letting me use it,” you explain while returning the windbreaker to the rest of his belongings, “it was really pouring out, but I was definitely less wet than if I had nothing. I wasn’t too sure if you would still be here. Of course, I knew when I saw Seokmin.”

“It must’ve been weird for him to see you coming back here.” He replies. You would never come to the court unless Seungcheol was there.

“He said hi to me,” you admit, scratching your arm, “he looked kinda nervous though.”

Seungcheol can’t help but note that you seem a little saddened by the interaction. The break-up between you two was all but civilized and pretty. There was shouting, tears, bitter and cold words shanked through the thick air with infinitesimal regard for the other’s feelings. Seungcheol remembers you pushing a picture frame of you two together off the shelf, how the glass cracked, different shards scattering far across the floor. He remembers storming into his bedroom and throwing all your clothes into one heaping pile, demanding that you leave, swearing that he hopes to never see you again. Now, everything feels so pointless and stupid.

The falling out crumbled an entire web of ties between you. Seungcheol understands why Seokmin would be nervous to see you, but he hates to know how it’s upset you.

“Hey,” Seungcheol calls out, attempting to lift the depressive mood, “Wanna shoot?” He bounces the basketball.

You immediately tense. “Uh – no. I haven’t touched a basketball since we were dati—I mean, well – you know. I haven’t played at all.”

Seungcheol smiles, rolling his eyes. “Just come here.” He beckons. “I’ll remind you.”

“I-I don’t know, my friend is in the car. I shouldn’t keep her waiting.”

“It’ll take two minutes.” He reasons. “I promise.”

The boy is delighted to see you comply, even if you are hesitant and approach him with bleeding apprehensiveness. While he shows you how to hold the ball as well as the correct motion to make with your wrist, there’s a smile blooming from one corner of your mouth to the other. Sometimes the past feels exactly like it should: the past. At this moment, a warmth ignites between you two, a spark that feels passionate and ever-lasting. Once he gives a few examples, the ball is suddenly in your hands, and he watches brightly as you sink a basket.

Seungcheol collects the ball, smirking. “You wanna play?” He then asks, checking the ball straight into your chest.

“No,” you respond, sending it back harder, “you know I just said I have someone waiting.”

“It hasn’t been two minutes yet.”

“There’s probably thirty seconds left. We have no time.”

“Fine,” Seungcheol shakes his head, “be a loser.” He doesn’t wait for you, and flicks the ball through the hoop.

It hits the glossy wood, bounces a couple times, and proceeds to roll slowly across the ground. You look at Seungcheol, and Seungcheol looks at you. There’s a small moment of silence.

Until you’re both racing across the floor with arms extended, practically throwing yourselves toward the basketball. It just ghosts under your fingertips, and somehow you manage to secure it against your chest, though you’re unable to even rise from the floor as Seungcheol straddles your waist and attempts to whack the ball out of your grip. The chime of your laughter echoes loudly through the entire gymnasium. You’re too slippery and end up weaseling away, scrambling haphazardly to your feet and using your last breath to sail the ball toward the net.

Seungcheol is too late. He reaches for you, but the ball has already gone through.

As the boy wraps his arms around your waist and hugs your back against his firm, hard chest, you cry out triumphantly, pumping your fists in the air. To anyone who observed from the outside, you wouldn’t exactly paint the image of a broken relationship. You were laughing, celebrating, making harmless mockery pertaining to the other with stupid grins on your faces.

“You’re such a cheater.” Seungcheol says.

Wriggling to face him in the comfort of his grasp, you slide your arms around Seungcheol’s neck and scrunch your nose.

“How did I cheat? That was fair!”

Seungcheol grabs your hips tight, pulling you in close against his body until he can almost count the individual sparkles in your eyes and smell the sweetness of your hair.

“Uh? You said you weren’t gonna play.”

“I wasn’t!” You giggle. “Until you called me a l—,”

The metal doors squeak again. At the speed of light, you and Seungcheol detach from each other, the playful mood disintegrating as the girl who’d been waiting in the car comes looking for you. Seungcheol sees the light drain from your eyes. He watches your shoulders slump, and the deep lump you forcefully swallow upon being interrupted. Seungcheol is utterly disappointed too. His heart doesn’t quite beat the same when you bid him the tiniest, quietest goodbye before running over to your friend, apologizing to her for the unexpected wait. The doors rattle once more, and then the gym is completely empty. It stings worse than anything.

Seungcheol doesn’t understand why he can’t just have you back.

v.

It’s sometime after ten-thirty when Seungcheol finally leaves Hansol and Wonwoo’s house. It’s not a long walk back to his miniscule apartment complex crammed in the middle of town, and he loves to soaks in the calm beauty belonging to the clear, star-speckled sky. He only went over to smoke after a tiresome day at his job, but he ended up staying much longer after Wonwoo revealed his game console. They took turns playing Portal and Grand Theft Auto. It was fun, a perfect way to unwind, and now Seungcheol is ready to wash up and go to bed.

He’s wearing his earphones while walking through town, listening to old songs that remind him of you, a playlist actually, one he started making before you were even together. No matter what happens – Seungcheol is always thinking about you these days. He misses you in a way that aches deeply, like his heart has been split in two by a sharp and jagged stone. In fact, while standing at an intersection, waiting for the light to glow in a walking man symbol, Seungcheol almost mistakes someone sitting at the bus bench across the street for you.

A moment passes, and he squints through the meagre lighting. Wait—that is you.

Your gaze keeps flitting nervously from the lurid phone in your hand to the dimly lit area that surrounds you. Your knee is quickly bouncing, and Seungcheol can sense at a distance how nervous you’re feeling. He doesn’t know why you’re sitting alone in the dark, but he can’t just leave you there. Instead of walking his usual route back to the apartment complex, Seungcheol approaches you, calls out your name softly as to not make you afraid. At first you respond to him with a moonfaced expression, but then you recognize his face and your heart quiets.

“Everything okay?” Seungcheol asks, taking out his earphones.

You gulp thickly and reflect a jittery smile. “Um, kinda. My boss made me stay late for closing. I tried texting my friend to pick me up, but she’s not responding.” A frozen breeze rifles through the air and you shiver. “I-I just, I don’t want to walk home alone.”

Seungcheol doesn’t hesitate to extend his hand.

“C’mon, I’ll take you.”

A grateful smile warms your face. Standing up from the cold bench, you grab Seungcheol’s hand and interlock fingers. Your address is still fresh in his mind, to which he easily navigates the streets with you beside him. At one point, a loud dog starts barking from a few blocks over and you nearly jump out from your own skin, though Seungcheol just slides his arm around your waist, gently pulling you further into his solace. He feels you instantly relax against him. An indescribable light fills his chest. To be able to make you feel safe, like he used to, it’s aweing.

“This is it, right?” Seungcheol asks upon approaching the house porch. He knows it’s right, but he waits for you to confirm it.

“You’re right.” You tell him in a tiny voice.

His hand grazes the small of your back as you walk up the steps together, stopping before the door and its weathered, white paint. A bitterness stings against Seungcheol’s throat, a truly horrible bitterness. He doesn’t want to say goodbye – he wants to stay. He wants to take you inside and wait on your bed as you get ready for the night. He wants to experience that beautiful fluttering in his stomach when you crawl into his arms and shut off the light, his hand stroking your spine as you fall asleep, your soft, slow breaths fanning against his neck.

Why does it have to hurt like this? Seungcheol hates that he’s so in love with you, but he’d never want it any other way. Even if he has to endure this pain, it’s better than never getting to know you, touch you or love you. He swallows the hot salt and gets ready to bid his goodbye.

“Sleep well, okay? Maybe I’ll see you agai—,”

Suddenly, you’re hugging Seungcheol. Your arms wrap securely around his waist and you bury your face in his neck. He takes a slight step backward, caught off guard by the blitz of affection. He hears you suck in a trembling breath, and then he feels wet, cold droplets slide against his skin. Instantly, he holds you, one hand dearly cradling the back of your head while the other passes up and down your back. You shake in his arms and he doesn’t know why. Seungcheol just hugs you tighter. If he has to, he’ll hold you for the entire night.

“S-Seungcheol,” you release his name in a sob, lifting your head from his neck. His heart beats wildly as he looks directly into your teary eyes. “I’m s-sorry.” You cry to him. “I-I’m so sorry…”

“What?” He cups your face, collecting a few thick tears with his thumb. “For what, honey?”

“E-Everything,” you hiccup, grabbing his waist tighter, “for the st-stupid fights, the p-picture, all those h-horrible things I yelled at you – I hate my-myself because of it.”

Seungcheol shakes his head and brings your face in closer to his, brown eyes glistering. “I don’t care about that. I don’t. I said horrible things too, sweetheart. I yelled at you, I told you to leave, I made you so upset, and I know exactly how you feel.” He rubs his thumb tenderly below your damp eye, and you ease into his touch. “But that was a different time. No matter what, I’m still in love with you. What happened months ago doesn’t change that. I promise.”

You sniffle back the new pearls that nearly stain your face.

“Really? Y-You still love me?”

Seungcheol leans in. He presses his forehead against yours, his fingers delicately framing your wet, warm cheek. And then he’s kissing you softly, pouring every ounce of his heart into the contact. Your hand curls around the back of his neck. You respond passionately, keeping him as near as possible, nipping gently at his bottom lip while stealing each other’s breath. Seungcheol peers directly into your gaze. It’s glassy from the tears, but also sincere and welcoming.

“I never stopped.” He says earnestly.

He feels your fingertips thread through the black silk of his hair. You kiss him again, and his grip finds the familiarity of your hips, leading you backward until you press against the door.

“I love you too.” You admit to him between every peck.

In the rising heat, you whisper against the boy’s pretty mouth, “I want you back,” to which the words engender Seungcheol’s heart to positively melt. Seungcheol knows you already have him. It doesn’t take long before you’re unlocking the door with the key beneath an ancient flowerpot. You hop into his arms, and Seungcheol catches you like it’s nothing, sitting you on top of the corridor dresser while his kisses wander further down your neck. Every whimper he hears turns him fonder. You admit again that you love him and he smiles against your skin.

Seungcheol will always need you. He hopes he always has you.

[lgcalex]

∘⡊ ☾ ˚⊹Now Loading⊹ — Kim Alex: Updated Profile

ooc note:

so, as i said the other day, this is just a small post showing sort of an update on alex with how he is now compared to when he first joined the company. whether it's changes to his personality or even connections and even his deepest inner thoughts (maybe lol). me being the lazy person that i am, these will all be just listed in bullet form because in my mind that's "easier" than making this into some long paragraph post.

the updates:

when first joining the company, alex could care less about debuting and even didn't care much for his training. now, he's come to realize that he actually does want to debut and doesn't find the idea of being an idol that unbearable. he finally started realizing this during his star quality portion for Future Dreams ( see this solo here for that moment ) of course we have to thank Kim Hyuncheol, Park Jeongan, Lee Iseul, and Roe Kangdae for helping him realize this 100% as well ( see this here where he gets called out for his bs which was 100% deserved ). he was also super confident in his own body at the time ( still is actually but he doesn't brag as much now. don't get me wrong, he would upload gym photos of himself if he could lol ).

many may not have known this ( in character or ooc ) but he was once a university student (doesn't seem like a dummy like him would even be a student right? lol), however, when he began filming for Future Dreams he decided to drop out and put a pause on his studies ( see this solo here ). the decision to do this wasn't really something he had thought that he would ever do, especially since he never imagined the day would come where he actually wanted to take being a trainee seriously, but it wasn't a hard decision to make. he figures that if he fails at debuting through the show then he can just return to his studies.

in the beginning, he would take on things such as Date Lottery or even auditioned for one of lgc's opportunities to do one of their OST's for Cram School S1 ( too lazy to find this ), and he only would do such things because "it will gain me publicity and help me debut sooner so i can win this bet". though, after filming for his first CF with Royal Canin ( he's always had a soft spot for animals tbh ) he realized that he actually didn't mind being on shows for the enjoyment of it rather than just doing it 'because'. there was one point where he was a guest on The Kim Family and claimed he only was doing it for the publicity, though he actually did it because he wanted to see what acting was like. now he's someone who will sign up for shows such as Masterchef Legacy because he actually wants to and not just to gain a few fans from it all.

he used to hate things like vlive shows, he just didn't like the idea of being live and having to fake some smile or laugh. now, he doesn't mind them at all and has even appeared on a couple vlive shows such as Hot Spot, did the vlive for his Favorite Fall Recipe, he did the Q&A with fans, and recently was on Jaesun's EAT WITH JAE. ( notice how these are all mainly about food... ) i don't ever see him having his own vlive show, maybe in the future it's a possibility, but he sure doesn't mind at least guest starring on some shows every now and then.

something that hasn't changed is his love for his car and that probably will never change no matter how much time passes. Stella ( yes, he named his car ) is still his pride and joy but so is his Pomsky Luna ( she's now known ooc atm as the little matchmaker who caused Alex and Ichika to end up in a pond at the park. Ichika is the only female that Luna even likes which surprised Alex because puppy doesn't like other females and will usually growl at them unless they're family or close friends of Alex. )

his hate for things like aegyo is still the same. that probably won't ever change really. during one of the missions for Future Dreams he was sort of forced to do aegyo while meeting with fans and he's still cringing over that.

nothing has changed about his workout habits really. he still goes to the gym and has the usual workout routine he does, along with still eating healthy (because gotta keep them abs in check just in case the company ever makes him show abs again like in his teaser for Future Dreams).

the relationships/connections:

first, let's start off with the reason why he used to be cautious about relationships or even feeling something towards others in a romantic way. for those that truly know him, you know that he had an ex back in the states that he loved at the time and put his all into that relationship with her, that is until she told him that she wanted to not only see him but others on the side as well. you also know that he ended up telling her more or less to f off. ( /claps for him/ ) because of this his heart basically froze over and the word 'love' didn't even exist in his dictionary. afterwards, any kind of 'relationship' he had wasn't exactly something he really even put his all into anymore and just sort of dated here and there out of boredom ( he has a few exes because of this ).

now on to the reason why he had trust issues even more with letting people in past the walls he had built up. he felt betrayed due to seeing that ex of his with someone he thought was his best friend. basically, boy broke the 'bro code' and alex started having a harder time trusting even those who wanted to be his friend and he became closed off/distant with others that he didn't trust fully.

fast forward to more recent times, he's grown quite a bit and has started to slowly let others in a bit more. he's made some new friends within legacy that he actually does seem to care for, even if he won't admit it out loud but he does. he's also started catching feelings for a specific person ( /cough/ ichika ) but if you've been sort of keeping up with that, or even haven't, well they're both in denial but improving little by little. lol

his family has always been the number one priority in his life, and always will be no matter what. even now he still does get embarrassed by his sister Mia quite a bit, though he still loves her and it's just always been the sort of sibling relationship where she embarrasses him and he acts like he's bothered by it ( he's a faker tbh ).

his cousins, Jueun and Hyunbin, are still two of the family members who he will always be protective of, even if he does tend to mess with them just for the hell of it at times.

before, when meeting new people, alex would be cold and very distant (he still sort of is but not as much anymore). now he's less cautious with those he's meeting for the first time but he still does keep that bit of distance until someone has gained his trust fully. those that he's been friends/aquaintances with for a few years he's super close with and will still tease/mess with them occasionally for shits and giggles or whatever.

[devintrinidad]

Whoa I sent you a lot of asks! (Sure thing. I never know how long,a thought grows but I’ll try to be more mindful. I can imagine how messy that could get). 

Lol those fic snips are adorable. 3803 thinking she’s confiding a big secret about 1146 possibly liking her (she would confess to a platelet XP) only to discover she’s talking to one of 1146’s confidante’s in love advice. 

Killer T is a overly sensitive mess of social drama. He would feel like the world was out to get him, when only two cells were teasing him (Commander T and Dendritic would totally be the ones poking at his non existent love life ‘if even someone hopeless and workaholic like u1146 can get a doting girlfriend what’s that make you? =D). Poor u1146 would get the brunt of his ire. 3803 would be in the dark because 1146 wouldn’t tell her. She’d just think Memory T was being a good friend with all of the 'congratulating’ he does.

1146 rethinking his all calls being friends dream should exclude his friends with 3803. 

Ooh. A RBA sequel with this plotline would be awesome! Honestly even after I posted that I wondered if 3803 forgiving Cancer now Normal cell quickly would be likely. Then I read more RBA and I was like nope she wouldn’t be that at ease. I think thinking about it, 1146 would talk to her about it. How Cancer’s were made. If only because I think she’d ask for one reason or another (I could see her asking him before a newborn ex Cancer cell pops up. Just to get more closure and info so she knows what she’s dealing with better just in case). I think with 3803 she’d forgive. But she wouldn’t forget. Like you said she’s not obligated to be his friend and Cancer cell has A LOT to apologize for. But at the same time she knows logically he’s not a threat so she has no reason to be afraid of him. But she still doesn’t like being alone with him. 

That would actually be a nice way to give a newborn Cancer normal cell character development. He’s lost his one excuse to hurt others and now can live pain free w/o persecution. Even better only a select few immune cells know of his past as Cancer and 3803 is the only non immune who knows. Ex Cancer’s journey could be earning 3803’s and 1146’s true friendship and forgiveness. Basically learning how to really love someone and maybe some different perspective on the world. Idk. I kind of like the absolute monster learns humanity if done well. 

But who knows if he’d ever do it well. =P Cancer did a lot of bad things and he’s got a lot of entitlement and god complexes to work out. He probably still would stubbornly deny he’s as responsible as he is of the things he did. 

How ironic. Cancer’s dream of a world where he’s accepted and it’d start out as a nightmare. He’d still hate what he hated. He’s just useless to do anything about it now.

I’m thinking his and 3803’s relationship would be the most complex. Not just because of how he hurt her. But he’d have to decide if she was soneone he wanted as a lover or a mother. Near the end of RBA it seems 3803 leaned on seeing Cancer as a child.

Oh boy 1146 would not even want to tell 3803 about Cancer’s new situation. But he’d have to because the thought of her being scared/confused while running into ex Cancer cell w/o any warning would be unbearable for him. Like you said, as much as he’d understand and pity ex Cancer’s situation. Ex Cancer still hurt the cell he loves most (and is in love with? Yeah I could see 1146 refraining from confessing to 3803 if he hasn’t by then. If only because of what Cancer did to her and being afraid he was pushing too much on her too soon). But the way I see it. Ex Cancer has this same weird ability to wind up everywhere 3803 is. They get in all sorts of situations. Even situations where 3803 would have to rescue him because she’s still a RBC and she will help any non threatening cell she can. It’s her job (she won’t be happy about it. But she’ll do it). 

Pfft, just imagine if 3803 and ex Cancer wound up caught together in the platelets. They’d be smooshed together and ex Cancer wouldn’t mind. 3803 wouldn’t get ptsd flashbacks and wonder how her luck is so bad. Meanwhile a agitated 1146 is on the outside for once asking for someone to bring the darn scissors for once so he can rip ex Cancer cell out of there.  

Yes. Ex Cancer would totally be devoted to her even when can’t stand his presence and wish he’d go away or never came back. If she was injured he’d visit her in the infirmary and refuse to leave her side. 1146 would definitely try try to be sympathetic but he’d totally be overprotective of 3803’s wellbeing and make her state of being a priority (can you imagine the drama if 1146 ended up saving ex Cancer because he was closer but lost track of 3803. He’d have to deal with the fact he did his job but wants to find 3803 and hope she’s surviving this latest invasion. Then ex Cancer runs off to find her… Total mess). 

Yeah I’m rambling. It’d all be a messy mess of relationships and scars and whether or not some can heal. For everyone. Ex Cancer has a lot to consider and isn’t exactly All Right either. Which I guess would drive him to obsessed over 3803 again. Be it to ensure her safety and warn her friendship. Whether he’s doing it because he genuinely feels bad and wants it for real or because he’s at a lost and needs something to fuel his drive for life. Not even he knows

Thanks for the responses and again for RBA! Have a great day!

Forgot to mention. Just imagine in that RBA sexual scenario where 1146 talks about Cancer's origins with 3803 because he's showing he knows two sides in how he deals with ex Cancer now. 3803 crying because she's sorry she can't get over her trauma and forgive easily as 1146 can and thinks she's less kind for it. 1146 feeling horrible for unintentionally making her feel bad and hugging her. Admitting he still feels rage over what Cancer did to her and doesn't believe he'll ever forgive ex Cancer.

~~~

Thank you so much, CAW Anon! I really appreciate you doing this for me. :D

Get ready for the last chapter, I’ll be uploading it soon. ;)

That platelet situation, heheheh. That would definitely be a disaster and a half, especially if Non-Cancer and 3803 were stuck together. I can only imagine how awkward and terrifying it must be for 3803 (depending on how long ago the Cancer incident was and when Non-Cancer was born). 

Like:

AE-3803, unfortunately, was having a bad day. 

She managed to finish only a tenth of her packages, she managed to get lost en route to the heart, and finally, the body had decided that it was a great day to get their elbow scraped. The abrasion would have been fine (more work for the immune cells and the platelets), but 3803 had taken the wrong route and was now stuck within the blood clot.

Normally, 3803 would have weathered the incident with a smile on her face. However, once she found out that she was chest to chest with him, 3803 knew that she’d rather be phagocytized or sent to the spleen.

“Little Miss--”

3803 scowled up at the cell before brusquely turning away so that she could watch the platelets construct more clots. 

“Don’t call me that.”

The normal cell who used to be Cancer looked taken aback by 3803′s attitude.

“Look, I already--”

3803 glared at him before her eyes softened and she ducked her head low.

“Look, I’d rather...” She took a shuddering breath before facing him once again. “Just... Be quiet, please. I can’t-I can’t do this right now.”

For once, the cell who had once been Cancer, acquiesced to her demands as he fell silent and contemplative. 

It was going to be a long day.

[kumoriyami-xiuzhen]

Hakuoki Drama: Shinsengumi Oni-tan Track 1 Translation

Well im more or less back so I’ll start by asking you to please support me if you can either on ko-fi (https://ko-fi.com/V7V2W0HO), or through paypal (paypal.me/KumoriYami ) …. also let me know if you have any hakuoki drama cds that you’d be willing to share that are on my looking for list since i don’t have the audio for those…..

I’ve also gotten around to getting my patreon account in order (https://www.patreon.com/KumoriYami) while deleting all blog post tls here. My patreon will really only for blog post tls, of which I will be putting out at least 3 each month, and for early access to my next planned post. Right now, I can only do early access for one post since I have nothing stockpiled and since Chinese New Year is this month....I’ll be busy with stuff so I probably won’t be getting around to doing a lot for the foreseeable future.... though I intend to bump that up to 2 posts when I’m no longer as busy....

I hope everyone had a good new year’s day.... cuz im feeling exhausted and my mind feels all waaaaaugh rn cuz of beating Psychedelia of the Ashen Hawk which i keep spelling as Hawke because of Dragon Age.... especially with those endings (i surprisingly couldn’t find anything for it in Chinese but oh well)..... 

Anyway, since this drama is roughly an hour and eight minutes long... it is going to take an extended amount of time to be completely translated since this translation was taken off not exactly great quality/sized images (though i’ll be aided by JP mtl since it’s available for me) which has been a real pain given how condensed some of the Chinese words are... and because im probably going to look at doing this on an on-off basis cuz my mind doesn’t work well focusing on one thing to translate for long periods of time (you have to pay me to do that since i equate that to mental torture lol xD).

enjoy this tl~

Hakuoki Shinsengumi Oni-tan Track 1 “A certain male oni and the Shinsengumi”

Translation by KumoriYami

Kazama: Oni. In this country of Japan, since ancient times, there have been a race known as the oni living here. Holding power that transcended that of ordinary people, no, it should be said that because of this power which transcends that of ordinary humans, they are depicted as evil creatures/beings in folklore and legends.

Sometimes, they are killed, and other times they are used by humans. (the translation of 驱逐 is "expelled" which doesn't seem right so i changed to "killed"]

For this reason we oni have chosen to sever our ties with humans and live in secluded/ hidden villages. However due to the scarcity of oni, marriage with humans has increased, and some oni have chosen to live like/as humans.

And then, there are oni who live unaware of their heritage because of their weak bloodlines.

Yes, for example, the day I met that man.

(intro music)

Flower petals scatter and leaves wither as they fall. The season has already changed to winter. The city was loud despite how cold it was [Despite how cold it was, the city was bustling with activity/ was loud].

When nightfall arrived, it became quite cold. Alright, it's done. Leave/head back before it gets any darker. If [I] return too late, Amagiri will begin preaching again, which will indeed be unbearable. [rephrase later...?]

(sound of running footsteps) But, what's that sound? It sounded like there was a disturbance from a back-alley.

Roshi: che, damn it, the shinsengumi is here!

???: Ronin, there's no escape! Stay where you are!

Roshi: Damn it---  since it's like this let's break this jar, give me some good entertainment! [take a break and get ready? check later.]

(sound of sword being drawn)

Kazama:  hn, that's the light blue haori of the shinsengumi. the bakufu's dog is fighting a wild/stray dog, really what a horrible showing/senseless game/trick.

(blades crossing)

Roshi: Heh heh.... it seems like you're out of tricks. what's wrong shinsengumi, (you're?) all talk! /you seem to be all talk!

???: Che.... Don't... get too... cocky bastard!

Kazama: Nn?

Roshi: Why, why has this guy's eye colour changed....!

(sounds of blades hitting each other again)

Roshi: Uoaaaaah!

???: (heavy breaths) finally caught, caught, caught [my] breath, i just need to wait for the captains to come over.

Kazama: Oi. you. For someone of an oni clan, what are you doing in a place like this?

???: Hm? who are you?

Kazama: Leader of the western clans, the Kazama family head, Chikage.

???: For this first meeting, I am called Sasanami Kurō. Although you speak as though you know me, however(/perhaps) you have the wrong person. [rephrase later]

kazama: it turned out to be the case. i do not recognize that name. However, as a member of an oni clan, why are you wearing the the haori(/uniform) of the shogun[ate's?]'s dog?

Sasanami: Oni clan?

Kazama: Exactly. in my eyes, there is no doubt that you are my compatriot/kin/clansman, that is to say---

heisuke: hey new guy - really , where did you [assuming *he?*] go?

Harada: I can understand how people want to show off a bit because of the team's examination, but to go off chasing someone alone is dangerous/puts one in a really dangerous situation [im assuming its to join the Shinsengumi based on the summary on the drama info page].

Heisuke: although having enthusiasm/being enthusiastic is a good thing, those guys tend to die faster.

Harada: Anyway, pray/hope that he wasn't killed due to his carelessness. Heisuke, check over there, I'll look over here.

(more footsteps)

Sasanami:  oh, Captain Toudou, Captain Harada! I'm [over] here! The roshi has already been captured/arrested.

Harada: oh, over there. It looks like there's nothing wrong...

heisuke: although being popular/recognition is good, it can cause problems...

Kazama: Che, those troublesome guys are around/nearby. No choice then, it's time to go/retreat. The reason for your position, I will listen to it in two days.

Sasanami: Wait, At the end [who are] you----- [rephrase later?]

(sound of Kazama walking away)

Kazama: That/this person, although his lineage is quite weak, there is no doubt of his bloodline. But/However why is there there an oni aside from my wife in the Shinsengumi?

----

final edits will be done when video is posted since im feeling lazy rn.... also i decided that i’d post this drama track by track for text. not sure bout videos yet since i wanna double check the context for what i think is the recruitment examination vs team examination. once that’s done... i think i’ll start making the videos to publish though im going to leave everything unlisted on youtube all 9 tracks of this drama are done.

on a side note, is there something about a location guide in the Hakuoki 3ds game or the ds yuugiroku english patch game (never tried it so iuno how well that worked or if that was even finished but that was one of my first google search bar suggestions)? Asking because I found a Chinese translation/summary of the Zuisouroku ds travel guide (commentary/exchange of certain locations. ex - saito’s room, hanaguri gate, fushimi magistrate)... and well, i just wanna make sure im not looking at game content that was already translated since I know Hakuoki tends to recycle a lot of their stuff before considering to translate it....

also.... this is the only drama where i might translate the interview with the cast (its 4 qs to the VAs sans roshi in text format)... though that would be after i finish this.... whenever the hell that is.

[bluehhj]

listen to me — chapter 25

LISTEN TO ME — 0025

listen to me masterlist;

WORDS: 1.7K

(a/n: i wrote it very quickly, it's not one of my best writings, but still... here it is. i’m starting to write another one ok?)

Jade wasn't getting to work that afternoon, neither was Jinah.

Kang occupied her customary branch next to Choi. Although she hadn't yet received any call — which was commonplace on taciturn Mondays — she kept the headphones in her ears and the little microphone attached to them near her mouth, since she wasn't managing to drive a hundred percent of her attention to work and probably didn't even notice the flashing red light in case someone decided to call; so, she'd be alerted by a beep that would take over her auditory channels and bring her back to reality if that were necessary. On her desk there was nothing more than the open laptop and a bottle of water in half. Every five minutes, her eyes were fixed on spying on the little partition that separated her from Jinah, and she could tell with certainty that her friend was, definitely, not doing well at all.

"Unnie?" — she called softly. Jinah took about five seconds to go into orbit and look away from a random spot on the wall, then leading them to the american's. Jade eventually got Choi to tell her what she wanted to hear and know when they were leaving college. — "Stop thinking about it, nothing's going to happen."

Jinah remained silent. She really didn't want to take it all seriously, after all, as Jade had said earlier, it was just a message and Seoul was too big for anyone to track down her whereabouts like that, overnight. But Jinah knew Minhwan more than she wanted to know and she knew what he was capable of to achieve the things he wanted. Besides, it wasn't only Choi who was involved in the snowball, but, consequently, everyone around her, and that was what made her more and more worried.

"Are you afraid?" — Jade spoke again at Choi's silence.

"No" — it was true. The time when Jinah was shaking just to hear the name of her ex-boyfriend had passed, today she just wanted to punch him. — "I'm distressed, it's different."

"You don't have to be like this, I told you that nothing will happen" — it wasn't as if Jade could be absolutely sure, but, if it were up to her and Changbin, things would still be under control. The couple had their methods. — "This guy could even be the owner of the hill" — Jinah almost laughed at the expression and slang used by her friend — "there in the town where you lived, but here he won't be at the top, no. First I'll scrub him all over."

"A little below his waist should be the most you can reach, Jade."

"Perfect! It's even easier, Changbin breaks one of his balls and I break the other."

Jinah couldn't hold back a low chuckle, though it was mostly nervous.

"Those action movies aren't doing you good, I just think."

"My action movies aren't the problem, but your restlessness about that subject, yes."

"And how do you want me not to get restless?" — Jinah turned in the wheeled chair, facing Kang, who decided to remove the headphones for a moment. It was too important to pass up. — "He even found out my number. It wouldn't surprise me if he had become a hacker and, unlike you think, knew where we live" — Jinah remembered that, shortly before moving to Seoul, Minhwan was developing some very suspicious technological skills. — "And it scares me a bit, Jadey," — she confessed. — "You know what he's done, can you imagine if all that happens again? Jisung, he..." — she closed her eyes for a moment, not wanting to think about that part. — "I don't want anything bad to happen to him, even more because of me."

"You're not going to walk away from him, are you?"

"Of course not" — the same stupidity, Jinah wouldn't commit twice. She wouldn't let Minhwan take anything else from her. — "If I didn't do it even when I discovered I was in love with him, it's not now that I'm going to dwell on something I've seen that I can't do."

"That's my girl" — Jade approved of her friend's decision with a shake of her head. — "Don't let this idiot intimidate you."

Though a small voice screamed in the back of her head, Jinah nodded: — "I'll try."

                         ♡˖°

Jisung could say that he liked that publishing house, but let's face it: every day was a new test of patience.

Beginning with Donghyuck, who made him angry with such a facility that he even looked like Jinah from weeks ago. Not that he did it directly, but the mania of complaining about everything and everyone made Jisung very angry, so that Han almost thanked in his knees whenever Renjun ordered the boy to shut his fucking mouth. The bad part was that they started fighting right away and Jaemin kept trying to calm things down.

Jaemin, all cute and affectionate. Sometimes, Jisung wanted to hit him. It was so much sweetness for one person that it even caused diabetes. In addition, there was the fact that he participated in the strangest relationship that Han had ever seen in his life. One hour he was full of flame over Renjun, in another he was kissing the young man who worked at the reception, and, as if that weren't enough, Renjun also dragged his wing to that same boy. It was a mess, Jisung didn't understand anything.

When the dance of triple mating wasn't happening, Donghyuck complained that he was the only one who didn't have a boyfriend and his chinese friend refuted that it was obvious that he didn't, since he was very unbearable for someone to bear him every day, then started a new fight that, would, surely, make Jisung's head ache. It was a relief when the time to leave finally came.

On leaving the publishing house, already with the dark and starry sky above the tops of the buildings, Jisung took the first step and felt the phone vibrate in his hand. It was a message from Jinah, asking if he had already gone home, and as the boy was feeling a bit of lazy typing, eventually called the girl (it wasn't because he liked to hear her voice on the phone, far from it).

"I'm leaving the publishing house now," — he replied as Choi answered.

"Can you wait for me at the first corner?" —, for a moment Jisung had forgotten that the central where Jinah worked was very close.

"Come quickly" — and so the call ended.

Han walked to the right place and didn't have to wait long until he saw Jinah crossing the street to get to where he was. Jisung didn't know her well enough to understand her personality completely, but it was clear that Choi seemed downcast.

"Hard day?"

"Kind of" — Jinah shrugged one shoulder. — "Can you talk a little bit?"

"It seems the roles are reversing" — Jisung smiled weakly, prompting the girl to do the same. — "What do you want to talk about?" — he asked, starting to walk toward the park across the busy boulevard. He was tired, but he didn't mind losing a few minutes listening to the problems of someone who had done the same for him.

Jinah had already talked to Jade, Chan and Changbin, but something urged her to talk to Jisung as well. It was a strange desire to want him to be inside her life, as if that way she could have him closer. There was also the fact that she liked his company. The problems seemed to lose some of the importance when she was near him.

"I had a really stupid boyfriend when I was younger," — she began, sitting on one of the park benches. The boy sat down beside her and stood listening intently. — "He would do that controlling guy, that even implied with my friends" — with implicating, Jinah meant to scare, to diminish, to attack and to drive away in the worst possible way. Minhwan did the same to the people with whom Choi got involved after the end of the relationship, or even worse, but she preferred to hide that part. — "We broke up when things got very complicated, but he never accepted it very well. That's why my parents sent me to live here, with my aunt. It was very difficult to bear what he did..." — all the terrible memories reproducing in her mind. — "But now he's in Seoul, and I sort of don't know what to do."

"Look, I don't know how your friends of this time were, but I think those of now won't believe him, no" — Jisung had already seen Jade in anger and didn't want to see again so soon, neither Changbin. — "And you can count on us all to hit this guy. I'm not worth much, but I know how to curse."

Jinah opened another smile, this time wider than the previous one. She knew she wasn't alone and that the only thing that made her so apprehensive was the trauma of adolescence. She was an almost psychologist with psychological problems, very ironic.

The best thing to do was convince herself that Jisung and her friends were right. Things have changed a lot over the years, she was no longer that little girl who didn't know how to defend herself.

"You seem to have gone through a difficult phase," — the boy observed, aware that he had heard only the shallow part of the story, the tip of the iceberg. — "It doesn't have to be now, but, if you ever want to talk about it, I don't mind listening."

"Thank you" — Jinah didn't really want to bring the subject up at that time, but she was grateful for the offer. — "And sorry about that. You must be tired and I'm here, stuffing your head with bullshit."

"As if I've never done the same to you. Besides, it's not bullshit, it's what you feel and I'm here to listen."

You're going to kill me of love like that, fuck, Jinah thought as her eyes grew brighter. Jisung kept surprising her, it wasn't good for her health.

"If we weren't in public, I swear I'd give you a kiss right now" — as sassy as she was, she couldn't let it go.

Han smirked, enigmatic, and stood up: — "Don't be for that reason."

(a/n: i know that jinah's story with her ex hasn't yet been completely cleared up, but this will be clarified little by little. meanwhile i'll leave you guys there, grinding the knives. the good thing about the villain of the story not being an idol is that you guys can hate him as much as you want, lol. enjoy the refreshments)

[dramatispcrsonae]

I’ve seen posts going around the rpc with people giving tips about their cities as a resource to folks who write characters from those places. Here is my small contribution for Washington, DC. This is particularly relevant for people who write political characters or fic in fandoms such as The West Wing, Scandal, Bones, The Blacklist, House of Cards, etc. It’s too long and in no particular order but HERE GOES:

The Mall/Monuments. No one goes here unless your parents are visiting. End of story. There are some exceptions to this, of course: the occasional free concert or protest or an inauguration, etc. but generally it’s avoided. It’s rife with tourists, capitol police, and there’s not a lot to do if you’ve already seen it. TV shows so often have their characters hanging out together on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial or sitting on benches along the Mall…. No. Maybe your character will go jogging there but that’s about it.

Here’s a big one. If your character works in DC, odds are they don’t live in DC. They live somewhere in the DMV (District of Columbia/Maryland/Virgina). There are DC suburbs in VA and MD that are accessible on the metro that are often more affordable than living in the District. Montgomery and Prince George’s counties in MD and Arlington and Fairfax counties in VA are heavily populated by people who work in DC. If you live in the District, you’re probably a) a college student, b) a twenty-something living with about 3 other people, or c) extremely wealthy. As always, there are exceptions to this, particularly in regards to certain neighborhoods, but more on that later. Also, if your character lives in, say, Rosslyn and works in DC, they will tell people not from around here that they live in DC. It’s not technically true, but it’s kinda true...

DC is a reputation-conscious city. The first things you find out when you meet someone are where they went to school, where they work, and what they do. You sort develop a sense of what the Important Person Hierarchy is very quickly. It’s squicky but it’s real.

It’s a company town and that company is the government. It’s not a capital city like London or Paris or Berlin that grew organically and has a larger identity. It’s a tiny place that was designed specifically to be the capital (see “The Room Where it Happens” from Hamilton). Certainly not everyone works for the government, but most people’s lives are touched by it in some way. This could be anything from when a non-profit’s office closes (many follow the federal government’s schedule), to dealing with traffic from protests or motorcades. There’s so much more to the city, but it would be silly to pretend that’s not The Biggest Thing here. 

People are ferociously career-oriented, there is an absurdly high concentration of people with law degrees, and other graduate degrees. Most people are thinking about what their next thing is or how X or Y will look on their resume. Basically it’s a city of Type A over-achievers. And yes that can be as unbearable as it sounds.  

It’s a small c conservative city. People dress conservatively, behave conservatively. Especially if your character does anything related to the government. Do not have your OC show up to their first day as Chief of Staff to Congressman Whoever with pink hair or a nose ring. Not gonna happen. Like I knew an intern who was once sent home for wearing khakis to the office….

If you work in politics or the non-profit world, it’s genuinely surprising to meet someone who is a DC native. Most people are transplants from elsewhere in the country who came for school or a specific career-related reason. 

Sports teams! The Redskins are (well were) beloved but suck. The Nationals are the new kids on the block who everyone now pays attention to (for obvious reasons). Like, if your character is a Hill staffer they probably love going to Nats games. And then there are the Capitals. I think everyone likes the Caps???

Quadrants. The city is broken up into four quadrants with the Capitol Building as the center point. These are NW, SW, NE, SE. These are a part of every address in DC and they all have reputations. NW is the biggest quadrant and probably where your character will work/spend a lot of time. SW is the Waterfront area and has recently become more of a hotspot. It used to be very sketchy. SE is still a pretty iffy place -- i.e. people don’t walk home alone after dark, etc. I have a co-worker who lives there and once came home to find a bullet hole in her living room. It’s that kind of place. BUT it is a big residential area and a lot more affordable than other places in the District. Your character totally might live there. NE is recently becoming quite gentrified.

Related to this are the streets. Downtown DC has a numbered grid-system like NYC, but… then you have the avenues (all named after states) that cut across the grid diagonally. It’s confusing and stupid but at least semi-reliable. Outside of Downtown though? Lol good luck. 

DC is a diverse city. It’s nearly half African-American, and something like 60% of the population is under 35. That said, though there is diversity, it’s not evenly distributed. You will definitely see a difference based on neighborhood. Ex: If your character lives in Georgetown, they’re surrounded by rich white people. If they live in Anacostia, it’s likely the opposite. 

Public transit! Driving in DC sucks! Most people avoid it! There is the metro (the subway but don’t call it that) and then there are buses. Metro lines are coded by color and the final stop in whichever direction you’re going. Metro… sucks. It’s not as frustrating as other cities, but it’s over-priced, and constantly on fire/broken. Complaining about metro is basically hobby here.

Know your neighborhoods. Downtown (where you’ve got the federal buildings and monuments) is nothing like, say, Adams Morgan or Anacostia. You could easily think it’s a different city. That’s actually one of my favorite things about this place...

There are so many fucking police forces: Capitol police, DC Metro police, park police, secret service, uniformed secret service, uniformed FBI, and that’s not even half it. Basically it’s small area FILLED with cops. 

It is an EXPENSIVE city. Sure, every major metropolitan area is like this, but it’s worth noting that if your character is a 20 something Hill staffer, they will 100% have roommates (or live in a roach-filled matchbox of an apartment), and they will totally know every good cheap happy hour menu within walking distance. Food trucks are also a big thing here -- like they line up downtown and sell anything from pizza and burgers, to Greek and Ethiopian. Food trucks are a CULTURE. 

Hill staff culture. This could be its own post honestly Most people are crazy young (like a 28 year old chief of staff is not even a little bit unusual) and are there to get to their next thing. Often people on the hill end up in lobbying or consulting before too long. The money is garbage, the hours are garbage and the turnover is high. A Hill internship sounds fancy to people outside of DC, but you’re basically the lowest of the low and you should know that everyone hates you lol. There’s a hierarchy here too, of course: House isn’t as cool as Senate, committees are more prestigious than members offices, unless your member is famous and on TV a lot, etc, etc. On the other hand, there are also Hill staffers who are ‘Hill Rats.’ In other words, they stay forever and never move to the private sector. These people are weird, and of the decidedly Josh Lyman type personality...

People who work in federal agencies tend to stay much longer in their jobs -- the money is better, the hours are better, and the benefits are better. But these are much harder jobs to get and it takes much longer to rise the ranks. 

The colleges. Georgetown is the fanciest and most prestigious. Also the most expensive. It’s the one that has the most caché. After that would probably be George Washington University and to a lesser degree American University. There’s also Catholic University, Howard University (an HBCU with a great law school), and Gallaudet University which is a school for the deaf and hard of hearing. But if your character is here to be a politics person, they probably went to Georgetown or GW. 

Going out. The hotspot areas are Adams Morgan, U Street, H Street, and to a lesser extent Dupont. The Waterfront area is becoming more popular too. The Kennedy Center is where fancy touring companies and operas perform (i.e. your rich socialite might have season tickets there). But there are other theaters in town and lots and lots of concert venues. The most iconic rock venue is the 9:30 Club, but Black Cat and U Street Music Hall are pretty good too.

Anyway, this is already way too long and by no means everything, but it’s a place to start! Also,I really need to add that this is from the perspective of a comfortable straight white girl who works in a government-adjacent job. This is by no means representative of what it’s like for everyone in DC or the surrounding area, particularly lower income folks or people of color. It’s a city with very wide and noticeable divisions on those fronts and I don’t want to presume to know things that I don’t. So if others want to add to this post, please do!!!!