#how i hate being openly appreciated and valued

[slippery-minghus]

oh... just had a sad thought. was skimming reddit for recipe ideas and came across a post with parents discussing tactics for helping their kids with very food aversion-restricted diets get enough nutrition and. i just thought to myself. i really wish i had had the luxury of refusing food i couldn't stand as a child. i still cringe at the thought of my mother's chicken soup. or pork chops. frozen mixed vegetables?? (if the veggies had even just been on the side, it would've been okay!! but mixed into every pasta dish i was allowed to eat? with an added guilt trip about the pasta and veggies being "friends" and that they'll miss each other if i don't eat them both, every time i complained??) (i didn't even dislike vegetables!! she just refused to ask how i wanted to eat them!!)

but i didn't have the luxury of refusing to eat the things i couldn't stand!! at best, i would have gone hungry. at worst, guilt tripped to hell and back, and left alone at the table till i could eat through the tears. and my intake was restricted by my parents' fatphobia enough, i couldn't afford to skip meals. sure i knew when my next meal would be (though snacking was not a Thing in our house) but when i'd be allowed to actually eat enough to feel full? (even though that always meant eating more than the people around me.... but if i'd been allowed to eat til i was full regularly that probably wouldn't have been the case) hell... i wasn't even allowed sweets most of the time. "only on weekends"

it makes me so sad and... aware of the hollowness inside me when i think about how little space there was for me in my own home and childhood.

and i was thinking similar thoughts this morning. about my asthma, and how cruel it was that in high school gym class i was forced to trigger it every single day to avoid both a failing grade and bullying from my teacher. i thought about what i would have said to the principal of the school if i had been in the shoes of one of my parents. how i would have put a stop to it. how much more i would have done beyond the angry letter my dad wrote the school to keep me from failing gym that was more about preserving my GPA than me.

but then i realized—if i had had a parent willing to stand up for me like that... why would they have waited until high school? why wouldn't that have been something done from the start, and kept consistent throughout my k-12 years? why, aside from that letter, was the only thing done for me about it the awful "not allowed to run" sign my mother pinned to my shirt the first day of kindergarten, and the rescue inhaler kept in the nurse's office? (an inhaler that by high school my parents wouldn't even bother signing the waiver for, so i was always afraid of getting in trouble for carrying it in my backpack)

if you ask my parents, i was always their first priority. my mother starts to cry every time she says as much.

but then why. why does all the evidence point to the contrary?

how do i reconcile being wanted and loved but not cared for?

[qqueenofhades]

i registered to vote for the first time ( i feel old) now that im an adult but my state has closed primary elections which i was wondering if you have an opinion about. my initial thought was that its bad because i had to register democrat (rather than my states green party which represents my beliefs more) just so i could vote between democrat candidates, which feels like being pressured into supporting the weird pseudo two party system we have. but then i looked it up and apparently a reason for this is so that people from opposing parties wont purposefully mess up the votes just so that their preferred candidates have an easier time winning, and i think that makes sense too. but is that actually the reason theyve closed it or is it just to force us dem/republican?? cause it feels strange

Okay, look. I respect the fact that you're a young person, and I appreciate that you have not only registered to vote, but plan to vote in the primaries, so I don't want to lecture you too much. That said: I am taking you out for coffee, I am sitting you down, I am looking into your eyes, and I am urgently telling you the following:

The Green Party is a scam. It is a scam. It has existed for decades in American politics as an empty shell corporation weaponizing the good intentions of young people like yourself, because all it theoretically stands for "it's good to save the planet maybe." Which is not something that any non-insane person seriously disagrees with, but there is no world in which that cause is actually furthered by registering/voting Green (you mentioned that you did vote for Democrats, which -- good, but listen to me here, youngun, okay?) It ran Jill Stein in 2016 to siphon more votes from HRC, and this election it plans to run Cornel West, a pro-Russian tankie who positively equated Bernie and Trump, as another spoiler candidate. It does not stand for "protecting the planet" or America in any real way. It has never elected a single senator or congressman, let alone a president. It stands for empty performance/grievance political theater by those people who feel too morally superior to vote for/affiliate with Democrats, often because the internet has told them that it's not Cool or Hip or Progressive enough.

If your main priority is climate/the environment, you're doing the right thing by registering as a Democrat and voting for Democrats. (Also: the adjectival form is Democratic. It is the Democratic party and Democratic candidates, otherwise you sound like the Fox News host who wrote a book literally entitled "The Democrat Party Hates America.") They are the only major party who has in fact passed major climate legislation and have made environmental justice a central tenet of their platform. As opposed to the Republicans, whose Project 2025, along with the rest of its nightmare fascist prescriptions, openly pledges to completely wreck existing climate protections and forbid any new ones, just because we weren't all dying fast enough under their death-cult rule already. That's the main logical fallacy I don't get among both the Online Leftists and the American electorate in general: "the Democrats aren't doing quite enough as I'd like, so I'll enable the active wrecking ball insane lunatics to get in power and ruin even the progress we HAVE managed to make!" Like. How does that even make sense?

On a federal level, the Greens have contributed nothing whatsoever of tangible value to American or international climate policy/legislation, environmental justice, or anything else, because as noted, they don't have any elected candidates and mostly focus on drawing voters away from Democrats. There might be plenty of good candidates on the local or city level, which -- great! Vote away for Greens if they're available, or the only other option is a Republican! But on the federal/primary level, please understand: once again, they are a scam. There is no point in affiliating yourself with them. You're welcome to register Green and vote Democratic, if that makes you feel better or if you prefer having another label next to your name, but once again, I'm telling you in my position as a salty Tumblr elder that they have done nothing but harm to the causes they claim to care about, because "environment" is such a nebulous priority and has demonstrably been hijacked to stop the American government entity, i.e. the Democrats, that is actually working to improve on it.

As for your question: nobody is "forcing" or "pressuring" you to vote in primaries. By your own admission, you made a conscious choice to register as a Democrat in order to vote for Democratic candidates. If you were just a regular registered voter of whatever party affiliation, you would vote in the general election for whatever candidate the primary process produced. But if you are sufficiently vested and committed to that process that you would like to have a say in who is running under that party label, it is not unreasonable that you would register as a member of that party. Nobody has twisted your arm behind your back and made you do so; you are taking a considerable level of initiative on your own. Likewise, open primaries can be both a good and bad thing. This falls under the "the political system we have is flawed, but we can't magically pretend it doesn't exist and act according to our own fantasyland versions of reality" thing that I keep saying over and over. So yes, if you want a role in shaping the Democratic candidates who emerge from a Democratic primary process, you will usually register as a Democrat, and nobody has forced you to do that. It's that simple.

Likewise as a general programming note: I'm trying to cut back on politics a bit right now, because I don't have the spoons/bandwidth/mental health to deal with it. I apologize. So if you've sent me a politics-related ask recently and haven't received a response, I'm not deliberately or maliciously ignoring you; I just am not able to handle it as much as usual and will have to put it on pause. However, I feel as if this is important enough to be worth saying, so, yeah.

[hiso03]

Well, I just realized how much I love Barry and Hal's Saint and Sinner dynamic (not a big surprise, to tell you the truth), but I just find it to be a very simple way to encompass and understand their dynamics.

Hal is the sinner.

An ordinary man, similar to everyone else who has so many flaws that we can all point out.

Hal is a very ordinary person, who you can relate to because of his selfish and human attitudes.

It can be cruel, but it can also be fair.

He can be heroic, but he can also be a villain.

Hal can play any role.

He has that exquisite duality that makes him feel so real and human that it even hurts and uncomfortable to see how much he fails.

Barry, on the other hand, is the most idealistic model. Just like Clark.

A good man who acts based on principles, values and logic.

A man who would be able to put his life at risk to be able to take care of the rest.

A selfless, altruistic and nice man, the kind of person that anyone aspires to be. However, I can still understand why Barry appreciates Hal so much and deep down aspires to be a little more like him.

First Barry believes in the goodness of everyone, no matter how hard Hal tries to pose as a villain and a terrible man, he will never convince Barry of that vision; Because under his "vision" of a saint, he believes that everyone can get a second chance. Everyone has the right to rectify their lives.

He also admires him for being who he is.

All those "bad" characteristics that others see, Barry can't help but find somewhat positive.

Hal is willing to talk openly regardless of what others think.

Hal could put himself first over the rest when he thought it was necessary.

Hal could refuse and be cruel to protect himself, things that Barry often wants to do, but it is not until his limit is exceeded that he does them.

Then he realizes how much he'd really like to be like Hal and that rectifies his idea that Hal isn't that bad.

And Hal wants to be like Barry, kinder and smarter.

Able to inspire others and have a hope that can fill others with that feeling. Hal would like to be more like that ideal that Barry is, but he knows he can't be.

So he just observes it and tries to take care of him.

What other purpose does a sinner have if not to protect the purity and truth of a saint?

Hal hates himself wishing he was a little more like his friend's saint.

And Barry wants to be a little more sinful and free, like his mundane friend.

From there, born their admiration and mutual appreciation.

They can see and admire qualities that perhaps the rest cannot or are interested in seeing.

[main-serendipity-sky]

The state of Jiminland today

Today I was pushed over the edge as I watched twitter implode so it took me about 12 hours to write my thoughts out.

It's disheartening to see a fanbase, 52Hz, openly being a Jimin anti but it's also disheartening to see people act shocked when Jimin lost 2 awards he almost had because a majority of Korean fans (not kpjms) didn't vote for him.

How can you be shocked at the way Jimin is treated if you are part of the problem?

52Hz has been called out ever since July but karmy and kjkkrs defended this fanbase even with proof presented. I tried asking them about it but I got blocked instead. I even remember reading some accounts here that were blaming pjms instead back in July.

It's not ignorance if you are informed and you choose to ignore it.

52Hz lied, blurred out Jimin from playlists, altered predictions to mislead fans and pushed them to vote for Jk only. They also did something similar last year for Hobi and Namjoon.

It's not only that 52Hz lied but people protected them and then followed like sheep.

The hate and indifference towards Jimin in this fandom runs so deep and is disguised as many things that may appear harmless:

•Not supporting him as an artist but speculating on his private life

•Using him for fan wars since because he is best weapon BTS has in all areas

•Using him for ship wars because "Jimin always gets hate" and if Jimin gets hate that means jikook is real

•Using him as a cheerleader/funny guy/flirty guy/cute guy/support guy for BTS but failing to see the complexity that Jimin is

•Ignoring, belittling, or attributing his accomplishments to anything/anyone other than Jimin himself

•Downplaying or excusing what the company has done to him because you want to maintain the ot7 illusion

•Not talking about the sabotage because you will be labeled a solo and get hate from other people but you still talk about things that bring Jimin hate like any of his ships

•Degrading his art to Jk's level because it's the cute shipper thing to do even though we all know quite well both things are not the same

•Putting Jimin and Jk on the same pedestal when Jimin is up there because of his hard work and fans who have worked endlessly to stream and buy while Jk's numbers have been inflated by Scooter's tactics

•Boycotting the jikook show because a hate filled account gave you that idea when you should be the fan that always supports him till the end

•Using Jimin for your sexual fantasies

•Not defending him

•Pushing a narrative where Jimin must be the sacrifice for BTS or jikook

We can call out 52Hz and kfans but then our own behavior is just as bad.

Jimin doesn't deserve this.

We are talking about Jimin.

The guy who is the most appreciative of his fans. The only one who came to weverse to thank fans for BTS' win in MAMA only after 40 minutes (he didn't thank for his individual win but for the group win!). The guy who wanted FACE to be free just so he could share it with us. The guy who did his entire documentary just so we could see that he had fun doing FACE.

If you don't appreciate and value Jimin,

If you won't fight and defend him,

If you care more about your pretty profiles filled with positivity and pretty pictures,

If you are only here to "support" jikook but have no intention to support Jimin as an actual artist,

If you downplay what he has gone through,

Don't call yourself his fan.

[homicidal-lingonberry]

Some thoughts on Todd,

he started out as one of my least favorite evil exes, but I think part of that was simply that I could not quite figure out his motivations for a while. what is he gaining from being an evil ex? Why does he cheat on envy and veganism? I think I finally do understand his motivations now tho, and I am appreciating him more for it! and it also makes him seem a lot less jerky.

thoughts are mostly going to be coming from the comic and anime, with a lot of thoughts on his fling with wallace as well.

Todd is basically a pushover who is incredibly out of touch with his own feelings, and overvalues external validation. he is not the type to ever go for what he wants. not purely, not truly. he commits to what he thinks he is supposed to. goes for what he thinks he Should want instead of what he really does.

He isnt a vegan bc he wants to be. he's a vegan bc his father told him he'd never have the willpower to do so! I feel he is also in a relationship with envy bc he thinks he should be. childhood friends, and she wants him? and she's drop dead gorgeous, talented, and successful? he'd be crazy to say no, right?

I think him joining the league was a similar situation. It seemed like what everyone else was doing. so clearly, thats what he should do too, right?

But these arent the things he wants. He places value on these things bc other people do. But these things dont satisfy him, and inside him is an itch to act out in rebellion. the part of him that knows he isnt being true to himself. and he cheats!

He cheats to feel a sense of control over a life that is in no way his own. and I think that is why he feels so much for wallace.

bc why should he be with wallace? why would that be the obvious choice to anyone? It would be so silly to throw everything he has away for some guy he's just met. A guy that most people in his circle would probably consider a major downgrade compared to The Envy Adams.

but he is experiencing genuine attraction!! he is feeling fireworks!! he isnt messing around with someone who is simply a trophy or status symbol. Someone he thinks he should want, but doesnt really. he's messing around with someone who actually gets him going!!

Someone who he is into enough to realize that what he's doing with Envy is absolute bs!!! that everything he is doing is absolute bs!! And he chooses the real desire he has for Wallace, even tho it should seem like the wrong thing to do. In breaking up with Envy to pursue Wallace, Todd is finally Openly doing what he wants, breaking his former pattern of pushing it all down until it seeps out in secret rebellion.

and thats why he stops being vegan as well I think. he realizes its not something he ever truly wanted, he just wanted validation from his dad who was never going to give it to him anyway. And with the new revelation of choice, he quickly casts it aside.

While it seems like he lands in a rough place compared to the other exes, and it seems like wallace fucked him up bad, I think wallace gave him exactly what he needed. Wallace was never going to be the love of his life or happily ever after- Wallace was a wake up call.

Who better to show Todd how to get in touch with his repressed desires than Wallace, a man that denies himself no pleasure, and assertively goes for what he wants? Suddenly Todd can see he is allowed to be unapologetically himself. he doesnt have to be this person he hates being anymore.

What Wallace leaves Todd with is a new foundation to build something true on. One that takes into consideration that Todd is his own person. Its barren, but its steadier than the old one made of lies. and while he's got a lot to learn about himself, I think he will consider his own heart more fully from now on.

Where we see Todd at the end of the anime, he thinks he loves Wallace. But really, he's finally beginning to love and honor himself, and feeling more connected with his own heart than ever. <3

[leonsliga]

https://x.com/iMiaSanMia/status/1711361038514327611?s=20

there's just no way Leon condones abuse or excuses it cuz "friendship" right? he personally must have some reason to believe Boateng is innocent. There's just no way, Leon, who openly stands up, bravely, against everything wrong in the world, without hesitation, excuses Boateng's behaviour. there's no way. my morals and ethics feel triggered. cuz I don't see a reason yet, not based on his actions and what he's done for the world and the world of football, to stop liking him. idk. What do you think bri?

TW: brief mentions of abuse (i.e. context on the Boateng situation)

I had a feeling the press was gonna ask Leon for his take on the Boateng situation eventually, and truth be told, I'm left feeling a lot like how you described: confused, frustrated, and just all around off. I won't lie, I love Leon; I'm a huge fan of his, that's no secret, and I'm aware that that makes me incredibly biased. That said, his comments left a really bad taste in my mouth.

Ever since the Boateng trial (and even before that), I've found their friendship a really tough pill to swallow. After everything, I struggle to comprehend how he can just...ignore all of that? I mean, surely he's heard all the news surrounding the man. Surely he knows Boateng was convicted. Leon's many things, but he's not oblivious and he's not stupid. It's hard not to feel like he’s making himself out to be a hypocrite, considering everything he stands for and everything he positions himself so clearly against. Maybe he knows something we don't or holds beliefs behind the scenes that we don't know about...I don't know. But I've made a promise to myself in writing this blog that I wouldn't pretend to have the answers when I don't. And I won't pretend. I have no answers. I can speculate, but I have zero clue what was going on in Leon's head when he made these comments, no matter how much I may wish I did.

My morals and ethics feel triggered too, if I'm honest. It's hard for them not to. I feel hurt and I hate that I feel that way, considering he's a man I've never met. I just...I'm really struggling to wrap my head around the possibility that Leon Goretzka, the man who's always advocated strongly for women's rights, could still be friends with a man found guilty of assaulting his girlfriend. I want to believe he's better than that. I get that as human beings we can be prone to blind spots in our values and judgment, but this is a pretty glaring blind spot if it’s true…I think we can all agree. I'm trying my best to process this, but it's hard to process his comments when we don't know what he was thinking when he said them. Pretty much the only context we had going into this was that he and Boateng were close at some point. How close are they now? It's hard to tell, but these comments lead me to assume they're still, at the very least, cordial with one another. I guess it's good he stated that in the end, he respects the club's decision, and recognizes it was a decision they had to make, but it doesn't really do anything to soften the blow of anything he said prior to that.

To clarify, just because I'm a Leon-focused blog doesn't mean I agree with what Leon said. I wouldn't be happy if Boateng had rejoined the club. I think even considering allowing Boateng to play for the club as Bayern did, even though he was tried and found guilty, is morally reprehensible. I'm just struggling with Leon's statement a lot as a fan of his and I need to write out my thoughts to process things. He's been my comfort person for a long time now, and so I'm finding it really hard to define where I stand beyond fundamentally disagreeing with his comments (and possible support?) towards Boateng.

We play a dangerous game when we throw our support to footballers, I know that. In our unconditional appreciation of them, they can turn around and let us down. And I won't lie, I do feel let down. I'm sure I'm not the only one. I think it's more than ok to feel that way, just like I think it's ok that it'll take us time to process what happened and come to our own conclusions. We care about him, even if it is just a parasocial relationship, and that's not nothing. I can tell you that at the moment, I feel profoundly disappointed, no matter how hard I try to understand—the way we all try to understand when people we support let us down in some way. I want answers that I know I probably won't ever get.

So yeah. There's my very long-winded non-answer. I'm sorry...I wish I had more definitive thoughts on the matter, apart from the initial hurt and disappointment. But this is all I have for now. I’d love to hear what you guys think, but please be kind, ok?

[s0dium]

hi!!! i just saw you had a matchup event and i would like to enter if its still open 👉🏾👈🏾

i typically go by nikki online!! i’m pan so i don’t really have a preference for gender. i would like to be matched with jjk or demon slayer charas!!

i game, draw (i’m starting an art account and hoping to sell works… soonish?), and watch twitch streams literally daily. i’m a very big nerd!!! openly, too. there’s not much i don’t like other than basic boundaries and being overstimulated.

wait. i hate people that lie. for whatever reason!! i’m very honest (a lawful good 😔) and empathetic to a fault at times. with that being said i find it easier to make friends than most, usually from doing something equally stupid and kind for people. very family and close friend oriented, but not so much that i think its a priority in relationships. (though i don’t want children and probably will never)

i think i’m very into quality time and acts of service as love languages. my partner also has to be okay with physical touch… i get cuteness aggression so much. i don’t have many turn offs but i do want some sort of open communication and to feel safe. my partner should also be my best friend!!

and uhhh. most things don’t make me cry? i’m typically the strong person that people look to to keep them stable in tough or situations. though i am very open about my struggles with depression and anxiety, i think i’m often seen as pretty cheerful and always laughing LOL

also omg i love cats….. so sad my family is afraid of them :(

hopefully this is not too long… i’m so sorry if it is. but ty for reading and doing a matchup event!!!

Nanami Kento!

Nanami's voice is ragged against your mouth. "If I get my hands on you, really, honestly get my hands on you, I don't know if I'll be able to stop. You know he isn't lying. You know it in your soul. That's why you trust him with your body. "So stop being so honorable Nanami and touch me."

It was tempting to pair you with a more "nerdy" character but I see Nanami fulfilling and completing you really well

Most of your dates with Nanami would involve quiet, meaningful activities at home. He appreciates your artistic side, so evenings might be spent with you drawing or even watching twitch streams while he reads or works quietly beside you, both enjoying the comfortable silence.

Nanami's love language leans towards acts of service, much like your own. He would likely show his affection through practical gestures, perhaps organizing your art supplies or upgrading your computer setup for gaming and streaming, appreciating how these things bring you joy.

With both of you valuing honesty, conversations would be refreshingly straightforward. Nanami's blunt nature complements your own directness, leading to a relationship grounded in trust and open communication.

Nanami def respects boundaries and personal time, aligning well with your need for space when overstimulated. He understands the importance of having time apart to engage in individual interests, which only strengthens your relationship.

He might not be the type to overtly celebrate every little achievement, but Nanami would make a point to acknowledge and celebrate milestones in your art career or personal projects, understanding the significance of these moments to you.

Nanami is the definition of stable, he is honestly someone you can rely on in your worst times. Trust him and he will trust you

True to his word, Nanami clocks out at six and keeps work at work, ensuring that your time together is undisturbed by outside responsibilities, which means uninterrupted date nights and more focused attention on each other. Probably says smth like “sorry gotta go see my girlfriend.” And just dips in the middle of a fight.

NANAMI IS A SERVICE DOM this is canon I’m sure.

I put his libido at a 6/10 which probably isn’t as high as yours (as you mentioned) but like I said he is a service dom so would definitely help you out

Definitely open to bondage

Hope you enjoyed!

MATCHUP RULES AND INFO

[court-j3ster]

i was in early high school when I first denoted myself as asexual. while I had not experienced sex, I knew I was fairly eh about it; I didn't experience that form of desire towards people. Even if it was an experience I wanted to have, it was never anything about any particular person, but rather just wanting to experience something in general.

The landscape of tumblr at this time was rather ace positive. Asexuality was a well-known label, and a celebrated aspect of queerness. There were light-hearted jokes about the LGBTQ+ community about swingsets (straight people swing one way, gays swing another, bi swing both direction, pan swing violently everywhere, and ace people don't swing at all) that always made me smile.

And then everything collapsed, and the idea that "ace people aren't queer because they don't experience the same oppression" became uncomfortably loud. Everyone had a take, and a lot of people started to en masse make fun of and exclude ace people.

The basis, whether openly or not, was the idea of being "straight passing", that we could be perceived by heteronormative society as compliant and participant, when in fact we are not.

I cannot stress enough that I was there, and I remember it all. I had to delete my previous tumblr account entirely because I made a post supporting asexuality and celebrating it, and I got a wave of hate—to the point that when I changed my URL, someone made a new blog with my previous one to make fun of me.

I remember losing friends because of this phenomenon. I had people I trusted, appreciated, relied on, and that trust was broken because they believed I was undeserving of community with other queer people because, from their perspective, I wasn't oppressed the same way.

It doesn't matter that we were mistreated in ways that were largely similar to other homosexual people, through peer pressure and people trying to "make us straight" or seeing our asexuality as a challenge the same way they might see a lesbian as fixable. It doesn't matter that many asexuals had their committed romantic relationships fall apart because they couldn't please their partners. It doesn't matter that many people still joke about asexuals being plants as a means to demean us.

Because even if none of that actual mistreatment and disrespect happened, asexuals were oppressed by our own fucking community. We were mistreated, disrespected, attacked, and silenced by our queer peers simply because we didn't fuck.

Exclusionists believed we weren't queer enough because we weren't oppressed for being asexuality, so they oppressed us themselves and forced so many of us back into the closet.

It's an impressive level of hypocrisy, that we are mistreated by those who should stand in solidarity with us because they don't get it. Because they think it's weird, or it's a phase, or it's not having found the right person, exactly how they claim to have been mistreated. These people used us as a punching bag to reflect their own grief and trauma upon, to feel big and strong where the rest of the world made them feel small.

And instead, we could have stood together.

Our community online cannibalized itself from the inside out for some twisted game of pain olympics, providing value to only those they deemed worthy, reflecting the way our community as a whole had been treated for decades.

I want to make clear that this happened because of people that decided they needed to be valued on the terms of heteronormative society. This happened because of a need for external validation and acceptance from the people that hate us. I said it years ago, and I'll say it again:

The people who hate us don't care if we're gay, bi, pan, ace, or something else. They care that we're different from them, and they will hate us indiscriminately.

It's this ideology that fed into biphobia, panphobia, truscum/transmedicalism, and eventually terfism. It's this ideology that we have to conform in our nonconformity that has caused this rift.

This community has spent the better part of a decade cannibalizing itself, severing itself, dividing itself, and making it all the more simple for our oppressors to devour us.

Because we're not queer unless we experience same sex attraction. Because we're not queer if we experience opposite sex attraction. Because we're not trans unless we conform to heteronormative gender stereotypes. Because we're not trans at all.

And the last step is that we're not queer at all. Because we were divided and conquered by ourselves.

I will not mince words: this will not happen again. I will not be traumatized back into the closet again. I will not watch as a community built from the ground up for the express purpose of solidarity and supporting the divergent is torn apart by the very people that it exists to support.

Within the last couple years, I determined I am aromantic as well. But because of this experience, despite my perceived solidity in ace/aro validity, I wasn't sure if I should come out, or if I was correct. I hesitated, closeted by those masquerading as a part of my community, made to question in the back of my mind that my feelings were incorrect, a phase, a problem.

Even if I were to be aromantic and not asexual, or asexual and not aromantic, I am still queer.

And now history repeats itself, and a new wave of self-proclaimed judges of queer validity try to take this away from us, and a new wave of asexuals and aromantics are at risk of feeling this same struggle.

It is with no respect, and seething rage, that I say this: anyone who repeats the past is not welcome here. Anyone who seeks to divide our community again is not welcome here.

If you come here to this website to spew hatred and vile at the members of your own community, you are not welcome on this website. You will not repeat the past without consequence again.

If you believe in any such way that queerness requires some amount of conformity beyond not being cishet, you are not welcome here.

In short, and with absolute hatred:

Aphobes, get the fuck off my website. We will not do this again.

[drugstore-love]

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived

so many people, including those who say they are fans dislike TTPD and refer to it as lazy but I find it to be some of Taylor's best work. I appreciate the metaphors and how vulnerable she is with the narrative. She's not hiding; it's poetry. It's about emotion and the musicality really does come second.

Here's my song by song break down of things that I enjoy (and don't like) about the album for my own future reference so that I do not cave into peer pressure and start to hate the album on principle. Here are my personal interpretations and what the songs mean for me.

In no particular order The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived:

I think people keep calling this album lazy because it's really about the ending of relationships and the changes that you go through personally when a relationship end. They may be different relationships but I think people wanted a narrative change and that's not really what most albums are about?? Like unless they are complete capitalist ploys (which.......I digress) and Taylor now has the fanbase and the freedom to write whatever she wants, so this album, to me, was therapy.

Anyway, this song is when you see a completely different perspective of a person and your relationship once said relationship is over. I hate the production on this song and I'm usually an Aaron girly but the drums and strings feel forced and while I appreciate them for production value within the Eras tour they felt jarring and misplaced during the album listen. I think that they were went to convey emotion and raise the listeners blood pressure so they also felt agitated with the subject but the way they fade out with the song leaves a lot to be desired and kind of feels like the author is fizzling out during what, lyrically, can be argued as the most empowering part of the song. They succeed in capturing the audience's attention after the lullaby nature of the rest of the song but honestly are a distraction from the lyrics. However, I love the piano, especially at the beginning where it's almost a staccato, until the notes are played rhythmically together, it truly feels like poetry set to music. Lyrically, I find this song to be one of the most honest and telling. It feels like a letter one would write to their former partner with no intention of ever actually giving to them.

Was any of it true?

Gazing at me starry-eyed

In your Jehovah's Witness suit

Who the fuck was that guy?

You tried to buy some pills

From a friend of friends of mine

They just ghosted you

Now you know what it feels like

It feels like you were playing me this whole time. All the shit you said, the way you looked at me, fuck even the way you dressed. I thought that I got to see the real you, I trusted you, I believed you and the way you left reinforced what everyone else told me about you that I wrote off as untrue. (Insert vampire by Olivia Rodrigo)

Also appreciate the dig about this person being addicted to drugs because I interpret that line as "Oh you got ignored when it came to something important that you love? Karma, because I loved you and you ignored me"

And I don't even want you back, I just want to know

If rusting my sparkling summer was the goal

And I don't miss what we had, but could someone give

A message to the smallest man who ever lived?

All the effort that was put into wooing the author and winning them over and learning them and "loving" them. It feels like everything was a game, a joke, a plot in a rom-com that the protagonist was too dumb to figure out at the time.

I could never go back to what we were and if I thought you'd listen openly and respond honestly I'd ask questions, but mostly I'd ask why

You hung me on your wall

Stabbed me with your push pins

In public, showed me off

Then sank in stoned oblivion

'Cause once your queen had come

You treat her like an also-ran

You didn't measure up

In any measure of a man

You made me feel like the prize but once you had me you treated me like shit behind closed doors. You made me feel like your insecurities were my fault but it was your choice to stop considering me once you had me. You promised me better than my ex and then didn't fulfill that promise and made it my fault.

And I don't even want you back, I just want to know

If rusting my sparkling summer was the goal

And I don't miss what we had, but could someone give

A message to the smallest man who ever lived?

This bridge is pure poetry.

Were you sent by someone who wanted me dead?

Did you sleep with a gun underneath our bed?

What was real? Were you just waiting for me to let my guard down?

Were you writing a book? Were you a sleeper cell spy?

What were your motivations? This is almost begging for clarification

In fifty years, will all this be declassified?

And you'll confess why you did it

And I'll say, "Good riddance"

'Cause it wasn't sexy once it wasn't forbidden

The only rationale I can think of is you got bored and I know I'll be better off without this but even 50 years from now, even when I don't care anymore I'll still read your reasons. Once again reiterating that I only wanted what you promised before we were actually together and once I was yours, it wasn't worth it to you

I would've died for your sins

Instead, I just died inside

I would've done anything for you, and you're the one who stabbed me

And you deserve prison, but you won't get time

You'll slide into inboxes and slip through the bars

The way you made me feel should be illegal but instead you'll continue on as you did before

(really driving in the feeling of inadequacy one can make you feel, especially when you're a person who people idolize and then are disappointed in when they meet the real you. this is exactly what happened here, taking out speculation what's discussed in the song is: before we got together you praised and complimented and lusted after me and once I gave my actual self to you and opened up it wasn't what you wanted and that is detrimental to one's self esteem)

You crashed my party and your rental car

Never having to take accountability for your actions, you ruined good things for both of us

You said normal girls were boring

But you were gone by the morning

You said I was what you wanted, that I was different and as soon as I gave in, you left (giving into the discord:this is exactly how H describes Matty so..)

You kicked out the stage lights

But you're still performing

You ended this, you wrecked us and yet you're still lying you're still placating and manipulating me trying to save your own skin

And in plain sight you hid

But you are what you did

You never disagreed with the rumors but you really had me fooled about who you were. However, at the end of the day actions speak louder and when a person shows you who they are you should believe them. I always should have known who you are

And I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive

The smallest man who ever lived

I'm gonna move on, I'm gonna grow, I'm going to be happy but it's for me and I'll never forget the way you treated me.

[sarasade]

One more thing because I value your opinion and views!! How do you feel about Jason saying that Viren isn't queer on the q&a on Twitter? The way he said as if it's not his personal opinion but rather something he also thought about and sought to learn more from the people above and was denied really broke my heart..... I don't talk about ships, I never expected any to be canon, but to dismiss all of the subtext And the jokes on s5 really brings the taste of queerbaiting 🫠🫠

Haha that's a lot of responsibility! I try not to disappoint then.

Yeah, I saw people talking about that on Twitter. I don't know the full context, really, since I don't usually check out the Q&As. What I think is that everyone, including the creators of the show, are allowed to have their own reading of the text. I think it's that simple. Maybe they don't particularly see the subtext around Viren but that doesn't mean it's out of malintent. Queer subtext is like this language you have to study to understand and some people just aren't fluent in it.

You are totally allowed to feel disappointed! There is nothing wrong with wanting a character to be queer or/and be respected as such. However I don't think this is queerbaiting. I used to be a BBC Sherlock fan (yeah...) and the way that show and its creators openly mocked the gay shipping fanbase while inserting gay "jokes" in the show was basically what I think queerbaiting is. Everyone in TDP staff is super sweet compared to that flippin' nightmare... Queer subtext, intentional or not, is not the same as queerbaiting IMO.

Personally, I see the authors' opinion as one among the many. "Death of the Author" etc. Devon Giehl (The lead writer/producer I think) seems to have her own reading where all the characters are bisexual (if not stated otherwise) which is neat. I've seen plenty of the official TDP staff share their own LGBT+ headcanons so many times that it's hard to keep up with it all. But if that's not shown in the show then I don't know- I appreciate that Giehl said that but I don't really need anyone's validation. I can just watch the show and see this beautiful elf boy outright state that he made a whole ass child with another man. That itself is, well, kind of gay. Like damn, it's right there in the show.

Why I've written a lot about the subtext around Viren and Aaravos is because I think it's fun and meaningful and interesting. I don't really think we as a fandom need a permission to read into things. as long as it's not about being hateful or harassment, of course

I wonder if this could be about miscommunication too. Like what do people mean when they say "queer" here since that can mean great many things? Once again I might lack the context.

This answer is kind of all over the place but this is how I see it. I hope this was at least a little satisfactory. Also if you want an evil a funny answer: Ok, so what if Viren is straight? We've seen what straight male fans think about Aaravos. What I'm trying to say is that Viren would still hit that. And we do know that Viren would do anything for Harrow so I don't think something as insignificant as heterosexuality could stop him from- ok that's probably enough I'll stop talking now.

[skull001]

Something I find funny when people talk about Amy Rose's character, is how they akways follow a very predictable pattern:

"Amy back then was a stalker and useless"

"Her character is soo much better now"

"She now has a personality"

And so on.

These are just of the same phrases parroted by THOSE western fans who think that characters should be outstanding role models and not fictional people with virtues, but also flaws.

Frankly, I never understood WHY Amy in the 2000's was seen as "annoying". Either I'm very patient or those people are easily offended as they are spineless.

Or maybe it's the cultural clash between how western media sees girly girls like Amy VS how the Japanese see the same type of character.

In Japan, they aren't afraid of having feminine characters, let alone of allowing said feminine characters to do things that clash with western ideas of "that is not very lady like" or "girls shouldn't fight" and the such.

For the last years, something I never liked was seeing my favorite character be sanitized in her characterization for the sake of people who can't appreciate a good character since what they want is a safe, idealized, non-offensive take that saddly, results in Amy losing so much of what made her character fun. This approach is, if anything, the exact opposite of being "progressive", as it calls for Amy's feminine traits to be suppressed. Even Tyson Hesse has expressed in the Sonic Retro forums how writers are afraid of letting Amy express her affection for Sonic, something she used to do very openly (though understandibly childish in how she handled things, as a very young girl like her would) because of this silly fear that the western audience might be annoyed… the hell with that.

Only very recently has games like the one where the gang celebrates Amy's birthday and Sonic is "killed" or Sonic Dream Team have displayed the sassy, energic and even feisty sides of Amy's character… a character who deserves better characterizations that allows for her to be herself without writers acting like they're walking on thin ice due to a spoiled, entitled and over-sensitive western audience that hates fun.

"But we want Amy to mature…"

First, most people don't even understand what that word truly means.

Second, Amy doesn't need that. Why does she has to be the only one in the group who is not allowed to have some dumb silly fun with the boys? Especially when Amy is a mirror to a lot of things Sonic does, like loving adventures and excitement and who energy can even overwhelm him (see for example their specual victory animation in the Olympics or even as early as SA1). Like, where did people got this idea that Amy is a killjoy/partypooper who gets annoyed at the dumb boys for not being as smart as she is? That's not Amy… that's a very different character more akin to Sally, whose schtick was getting frustrated that she didn't had control.

Heck, even on the topic of Amy expressing her affection, I think the real problem is not her, but Sonic himself and the way he sometimes is written to act in ways that if not ruse, can come off as insensible towards an Amy who IMO doesn't deserve to be treated like a Meg Griffin.

That Amy is childish, bratty, sometimes a bit aggressive/hot tempered are things that balance her sweet, bubbly and compassionate side, making her feel more like a "real" person (at least within the confines of fiction). I love and adore Amy as a character with both admirable virtues as well as a flawed side that not only makes her a fun and amusing character (even when she does embarrassing things), but most importantly, it humanizes her. I don't lie when I say this: if Amy were a one-dimentional, highly idealized character who is only all-virtues with none of her flaws, I wouldn't like her at all, for that type of characters are not only impossible and unrelatable, but also come off as condescending and offer no entertainment value.

Amy is perfect by being imperfect. And both writers and audiences need to grow up and let my girl be all she can be, never again having her personality be suppressed for any reason.

[johnwicklover1999]

based off of talking to some friends and sort of. coming to wonder, im curious about autistic people and "optimistic nihilism" or "whimsical nihilism" as i call it. but i'm curious if because of a lack of empathy or increased apathy, autistic people can waver towards a sense of optimistic nihilism. i can fully acknowledge from a realist and/or scientific perspective that there is no "point" to the earth existing. there's no real "point" to anything. but i've been told by friends that i appreciate beauty and humanity to a very high degree. i am not afraid to openly hate and dislike things, but at the same time i am constantly in awe of "regular" things, a trait that came to me more as i started learning to unmask. basically, gearing one's sense of care towards more things of personal value and developing a "meaningless" or careless outlook on certain things. this could also be looking at things very literally and developing a more realist perspective, one that does not mince bad things, and at the same time, acknowledges things like scientific processes, evolution, culture, and whatnot and finds admiration in it.

to quote myself,

"i feel silly when i try to explain being pessimistic and nihilistic while being very whimsical but i have a very nonchalant/careless outlook on a Lot of things!!!!! yes i Care and i care passionately but sometimes you learn to care from not caring!!! you disregard stuff you dont Need to care about and you have more care to give to the things and people you love!!!!!!"

and,

"LIKE. i dont have to care and i really Dont im gonna be blunt about it!!!! but i am Passionate!!!"

i personally call myself a pessimistic nihilist because my sense of admiration and wonder comes from being literal and realistic, not from disregarding negative outlooks or bad things, i'm still very pessimistic, but ive grown to become a little more hopeful without letting hope be a deluding or optimistic factor. but i'm curious about you!

be respectful of other philosophies if you interact, please!

(please note; while nihilism does reject religion, anti-theism is NOT something i welcome. i have a special interest in world religion and i am not looking for people to use this to bash and denounce religion. i personally am an ex-christian and despite leaving christianity and having ill feelings towards it,i do not want disrespect of any religion to come from this. if anything i would love to hear how different autistic religious people view these outlooks, and their autism!)

[medium-bloodcrafter-scion]

A Random Assortment of Thoughts about Nick

I feel like Nick doesn't get as much attention as he ought to as a character, mainly because he's Not Sel lol, but also he's basically MIA for most of Bloodmarked. I personally don't really get why he decides to not go with Sel and Bree when they risk their lives to save him (shame maybe?), but I have some thoughts and theories about his character and where it could go.

Nick as a love interest

I’ll be honest, when I finished Legendborn and Bloodmarked the first time, I couldn’t so much as tolerate the thought of Bree ending up with Nick and not with Sel. That enemies-to-lovers arc has me in a chokehold! However, upon re-reading, I’ve really come to appreciate Nick and Bree’s fast-burning, friends-to-lovers story. Nick comes across as very emotionally open and warm, but he’s not boring at all - he’s very flirtatious and even passionate towards Bree (seriously, go back and read some of those kissing scenes, especially the one at the Gala 😍🔥🥵). He boldly, openly loves Bree in a space where people reject her. He stands up for her, and I know he would eviscerate the Regents if he found out how they tortured her. I was actually kind of sad at how little we end up seeing him in Bloodmarked when I re-read Legendborn.

Nick as a person

Sure he's sunny and charming and golden, but WOW Nick has baggage - for good reason. A recap:

- He was trained so ruthlessly as a little boy, it was basically abuse :(

- The one person who saw his value as a human being and not just a future king was very cruelly removed from his life (Mom)

- He had a strange magician boy thrust into his space/life in a very invasive way (still love you tho Sel)

- His relationship with Sel is fraught with tension, jealousy, and bitterness on both sides. They at least settle into a form of acceptance in Bloodmarked, because they both love Bree.

- He discovers that his entire life has been a lie, watches the girl he loves get possessed by a medieval ghost, sees his father speared to death, and then has to come to terms with his own cold-blooded murder of Max (even though Max deserved it! ⚔️)

All of the above create a very complex, traumatised character who suppresses his rage to keep up appearances, but when we do see him lose it, he really, really loses it - e.g. when he punches Sel, and in book 2 when he beheads Max. There’s a ruthlessness in Nick that is driven by pure rage, and I really hope that gets explored more in the 3rd book.

It does make me worry about where he and Bree are headed, because Nick hates the Order (for good reason) and he is kinda self-righteous, so I’m wondering if he’ll feel compelled to kill Bree, even though he loves her, with the goal of ending the lines for good. I can somehow see him following that line of thought and feeling justified in doing so. He is, after all, the Scion of Lancelot - betraying Arthur in some way is kinda his destiny!

Nick as a Zodiac Sign

Don't know if Ms Deonn has given him a sign already, but I get strong Leo vibes from Nick - the golden hair, strong sense of justice, the way people look to him for leadership whether he likes it or not, the self-righteousness, the loyalty towards Bree...

Edit 2/6/23 - change my mind. He's inspired by Steve Rogers, who is a Cancer boi, and honestly it fits. His ability to navigate his and other people's emotions, the association with the colour blue, his fierce defense of those he loves... Very ♋

Nick as an AI-boi

Kept imagining a stereotypically cute blonde dude for Nick, so I tried to recreate it in AI art.

[2c75ff]

//leaves url. sends compensation for mess you might find.

🔵 -- 'MY OPINION ON...' meme . ACCEPTING

my opinion on;

CHARACTER IN GENERAL. My fondness for characters that hail from various corners within the realm of Cosmic Weirdness really can't be overstated. Like, I've had my own all-consuming, fuck-all-massive cosmic decomposer Entity to play around with in the past, so, trust me, I get it; and I love encountering other people who get and take pleasure in it as well.

HOW THEY PLAY THEM. Atieno isn't a flat person (or, well--...again, entity) by any stretch of the imagination. However, there's a certain 'takes everything they're faced with exactly as it comes, without treating anything as being inherently more 'normal' or 'abnormal' than anything else' flavor to the brunt of their responses which lends itself well to the overall sense that this Being is something which exists very much outside of human (or even alien) values and constructs, even if they might be familiar enough with many of those constructs to move within them at their choosing with relative grace.

This flavor lends itself too to the idea that Atieno is perhaps drawn to mortals for being exactly what they themselves are not -- short-lived, mercurial, luminous little beings, interesting to Atieno precisely because they're small, and flawed. By the same token though, they wither so quickly -- so then here Atieno is, caught within the perpetual conundrum of balancing their own ennui and desire for stimulation/connection against the reality that quite nearly every connection they could possibly cultivate will ultimately end with the other party leaving or dying, and themselves alone once again. They protect themselves with distance -- but not as well as they might think.

THE WRITER. We haven't really talked yet (which is due purely to my legendary slowness, for the record; not to any fault or failing on your part), but I do notice how you never fail to humor me when it comes to my little 'get to know each other' memes and such-like. I have no doubt you're the same way with other people on your dash as well. I know I haven't really invited any interactions of more significant weight/length yet, but even so I see and appreciate your patience and willingness to engage with me even as I painstakingly get my feet under me here. My speed is really the one thing I'm sensitive about as a known weakness, precisely because I know right up front that it'll make me an unattractive writing/chatting partner to a lot of people; but I've never gotten the impression from you that you care about that, or that you're the sort to hold it against people when they have busy adult lives. It comes across as mature; and, for that, I thank you. You truly are a blessing.

do i;

FOLLOW THEM. Yes. RP WITH THEM. Not yet. WANT TO RP WITH THEM. Of course. SHIP THEIR CHARACTER WITH MINE. As always, I'd need to see these two in action together before I could say with any kind of confidence whether or not a more romantic angle might be in the cards for them in the future. As far as first impressions go, I'll say that it doesn't seem very likely to me, but I'll also say that that's neither an insult nor a bad thing.

Seventeen is most apt to be drawn to those who, shall we say, wear their caring openly -- who make it obvious that there's stuff in the world that matters to them in big ways. People who generally bear themselves in outwardly neutral ways and don't really get ruffled or hyped or whatever else on the regular--? Well and good; but it really doesn't tend to inspire romantic or sexual interest in him if the composure never falters or arranges itself into something more demonstrative. People who care about something, and who make that obvious, in their own way, make him feel more connected to his own humanity by sheer proximity; and that's something that absolutely matters to him for all that he might not be the sort to admit it quite so plainly.

what is my;

OVERALL OPINION. I hate this question because it's like [gestures vaguely at the previous multiple paragraphs], so I'm just going to fill this space with whatever song happens to be in my earbuds at this exact moment and call it a day.

[sofoulandfairaday]

Hi there! First of all, I wanted to say how much I appreciate your tumblr and the contents you post. Also, I wanted to know what are your thoughts about what Bellatrix's family response would have been to her relationship with the Dark Lord, assuming they already had a sexual relationship during the First War, assuming her family would in fact acknowledge it: do you believe it is possible that they sensed it (expecially Druella and Cygnus)? Were they judgmental or proud? What about Andromeda and Narcissa?

Oh my God, thank you so much! You have no idea how happy hearing that makes me :D

I do think that Bella and Vold were already sleeping together during the First War, and I like to think that the Blacks did their best to ignore it, but they disapproved in the same way most traditional British families would disapprove of their eldest daughter betraying her husband.

Andromeda would hate it. She would be incredibly upset and also blame Lord Voldemort for corrupting Bella (and we know that's only partially true) and taking her sister away from her. It's my headcanon that if there ever was a confrontation between Bella and Andromeda before/after she ran away, they both accused the other of betraying them. Bella was a blood purist, but He didn't have to turn her into a mistress of the Dark Arts (which Bella would have probably been interested in anyway), in Andromeda's mind. All of this actually goes to show that, despite the love they all held for each other, the Black Sisters didn't understand each other at all.

For the same reasons, Narcissa would probably hate it too. Well, maybe she wouldn't hate it - I don't think of her having such strong opinions about something that didn't affect her personally - but she would look down upon the relationship because what she valued most in the world was traditional family. I think that Bellatrix's betrayal of Rodolphus (and his possible cheating) would read to her as undignified behaviour for purebloods. The Lestranges aren't conventional and she doesn't approve.

Cygnus and Druella are like Cissy. I headcanon that Bella got involved with LV after her marriage, but if he had been her Dark Arts teacher (and lover) before that then they probably would have feared for her reputation. Also, it can't be nice knowing that your young daughter is getting involved with a man 25 years her senior, poor, and a half-blood. Sure, he was the heir of Slytherin, with bright, revolutionary ideas, but until he actually was emperor of the world or whatever they probably wouldn't have approved. Also, I think they disapproved of Bellatrix's role in the war. Not because she got involved with politics but because, instead of being lowkey about it, she decided to become a domestic terrorist, arsonist, and kidnapper.

Did they sense it/find out? Contrary to popular belief/headcanons, I don't think people knew all that much, even amongst the Inner Circle. I can't see book!Bella acting so undignified in public, fawning over him, openly playing the mistress. Sure, she leans towards him "because mere words could not express her longing for closeness" in DH, but that is post-Azkaban Bellatrix who's seen the man literally die. She's lost him (and everything else) for fourteen years, she's got nothing to lose. In the First War, I think that people knew because she told them (her family mostly, meaning the Malfoy/Black/Lestranges). If it had been common knowledge (e.g. Karkaroff, Mulciber, etc. knew about it, they would have definitely used that information at the trials and Dumbledore/Moody/others would know. And I feel we would know if they knew).

[garbobezo]

I still struggle because I don't want to make you feel unwanted. I don't want to make you feel how you made me feel. I'm that empathetic, but I'm starting to learn to accept the endings in my life.

There's no reason for us to stay in contact. You were never my friend. I loved you. I saw something in you that now I just don't see. Perhaps I've awakened to the truth of who you really are. And a part of me is sorry because I swore I'd love you regardless. I swore that you could take off the mask and that I'd still love you.

But not only is that not the case. I created a monster, and now I'm scared of you. Or perhaps the betrayal was so deep that I just can't look at you the same. You still know the address of my heart. You still pass by it on your way to work. You know the number to my soul, and you call late at night. I'm afraid to say no because I know what it feels like to have your dreams crushed.

But I'm not your dream, am I. I don't know what I am to you, but I know I'm not your person. You love being loved. And I loved the way I loved you, I swear I fell in love with my own obsession. With my with love. And that's okay because now I know my place and it's far, far away. I don't even think "one day you'll wake up and realize" anymore because that's still hoping that you'll see me.

I'm no longer trying to sell myself a dream, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't either.

I see you for what u are, incapable of seeing me. You're not the one for me because the one would have chosen me in a heartbeat. And honestly, that's okay. You don't need to be the one. I apologize for over extending my place and your role in your and my life.

I accept that now completely and openly with all my heart. Because it's clear to me now that I made you up in my head. I don't know why I chose you of all people to fantasize, but I did. And now the party is over. Now it's time to go home. You made your choice the door closed. You're stuck. There's no way out now.

Everything is already said and done, and no matter how hard I tried, it's not the same as it was.

I'm sorry. You made your choice and now you gotta live with it.

If I'm being completely honest, it is not even a matter of being engaged or having a girlfriend.

If you ended things tomorrow, that would change nothing because I can't trust you or a word you say. Your word means nothing. Your actions hold no value. I dont know who you are.

You've tainted your character/image, and I can't fix it. I can't unsee it. When we make love, now it feels like im fucking a stanger. You wore the mask for so long that it became you. And now even the slightest effort to make emends or be truthful means nothing to me. Because you're not true. You're not authentic. You're not raw.

I'm a good person with good morals, and you even brought me down to your level. But at the time, I didn't care. I was doing it all in the name of love. But where is the love? There's no love here. There's a whole lot of manipulation but not love.

I hate that I still have a soft spot in my heart for you because it's that soft spot that's writing this explanation to you. Because I don't want to leave you without closure. I don't want to leave you without an explanation. I don't want to do you how you did me. I don't want to front and pretend I have feelings for you to spare your feelings. I'd much rather be real and give you the common courtesy to tell you the truth which you never gave me. Which is we missed our time. Maybe in another life. You're none of my concern anymore. I wish you all the best.