#how do i live as the only person haunted by both our childhoods

[1327-1]

my childhood bestfriend being a semi popular ig girl who one of my now good friend follows . what do i do with this information. how do i reveal myself as the only sole person still around that knows about our wolf obsessed childhood … like girl i KNOW you

[psychedelic-ink]

𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐆𝐎𝐎𝐃 𝐆𝐈𝐑𝐋𝐒 𝐆𝐎 𝐓𝐎 𝐇𝐄𝐋𝐋.

DAY THREE OF HAUNTED HOEDOWN

prompt: priest au + “worship me. until i tell you to stop.”

pairing: priest!ezra x f!reader

genre: explicit smut, minors dni, dark content

summary: after a breakup, you find solaca at the local church. there, you meet father ezra.

word count: 3.4k

warnings: dubcon, manipulation, brief mention of reader going through a breakup, reader having a brief anxiety attack, reader having confidence issues, loneliness, messy blowjob, degradation, leg humping, dirty talk, facial, power imbalance, dumbification if you squint, use of whore, religious themes, this is written for horny purposes only, priest kink, a lot of 'yes father's and 'forgive me father's

Comfort is what leads you to your local church.  

You wouldn’t exactly say you’re a believer, but coming to the church and sticking wishing candles into the sandy surface was one of your finest memories from your childhood. You enjoy the chocolaty smell of the wooden benches, the stained large panes of the windows that cast vibrant rainbows upon the polished floor when the sun hits them just right. 

When you sit on the bench, surrounded by a calm dimness and silent prayers, you feel contented, like the world outside doesn’t exist. 

You feel lonely out there in the modern world, especially after your breakup, which was the turning point that led you to the adorned wooden doors of the church in the first place. It wasn’t a messy breakup, still, it left you in shambles. He’d moved on so quickly. Just picking up his clothes and throwing them into the bag before he left. It broke your heart if you’re being honest. He was never overly affectionate or necessarily cared about the things you cared about, but it was better than being utterly alone. 

Just a little bit of comfort. That’s all you want. Just a sense of belonging. 

Here at the church, the sense of commune affects you, even if you’re not exactly a part of it. 

Sitting at the edge of the bench, you look up. The church is empty today due to the heavy downpour, there’s only one more person other than you. They’re busy in prayer so you don’t stare at them for long, not wanting to be rude. 

Your eyes move away from the person, they linger on the confessionals. You always found the idea appealing in some twisted way. As if asking for forgiveness from some random man will solve all your problems. You never went it, always feeling too paranoid that someone might hear how stupid you sound. 

The person finishes their prayer, and as they walk down the middle, you notice it was a youngish man, his hair stuck to his forehead. His steps echo, a second later the sound of his departure rings dull against the cold walls. 

You rise slowly, eyes once again fixed on the booths. They’re barely noticeable thanks to how dimly lit the church is, and with no sun there’s little light to guide you. 

You’re not even sure a Father will assist you when you open the door to the small space. It creaks loudly and your skin crawls. You’re hesitant, yet you still climb inside and take a seat. It’s small, dark, and smells overwhelmingly of wood. It’s oddly comforting. 

You’re unsure what to do with yourself until you hear the door opening and closing from the other side of the booth. 

“Welcome. I am Father Ezra, and I am here to listen, guide, and offer you the grace of God's forgiveness. As sunlit moments blend with shadows, so too do our lives weave intricate tales of both frailty and strength. With open ears and an open heart, I beckon you to unburden your spirit. When you're ready, please share your thoughts, knowing that your words are heard in the spirit of compassion and understanding.” 

Your eyes widen at the sound of his voice. He doesn’t rush his speech, taking time as if every sentence is a story of its own. It’s so smooth, enticing, beckoning you to pour all the darkness that lingers around your heart. You’re surprised to find yourself wanting to hear more of that honey-dipped voice. 

Father Ezra, you’ve heard his name before and from afar, even laid eyes on him. You can barely remember what he looks like now though. You certainly never heard him during sermons, you would’ve definitely remembered his voice if you had. 

You’re pulled away from your thoughts when you hear a creak and a soft flutter of a robe. 

“Sorry,” you say, quick and silent. “This is my first time doing this and I didn’t really have a prepared thing in mind.” 

His soft chuckle echoes—god, why does he sound so good? 

“Sweet, lost, little bird, you do not need to rush it. You can start by introducing yourself. Tell me your name.” 

A shudder that starts from your toes claws all the way up to your spine. All he did was ask your name, yet, it feels like he’s asking for something drastic like your life. You swallow around the know in your throat, lowering your gaze even though there’s no one that can see you. 

You give him your name and something you can’t discern shifts in the air. 

“What a lovely name,” he hums. “Now tell me, what troubles you on this rainy day.” 

“Nothing specific,” a sigh parts your lips, and again, a creak comes through the other side. Your skin prickles. You can feel as if his eyes can see through the thin wall that separates you both. “I’m feeling a bit lonely. I—I went through a break up a couple of weeks ago and. . . I guess I can’t help but feel it’s my fault somehow.” 

You wait for him to say something, but when he doesn’t, you continue. 

“This might sound dumb—” 

“There is no such thing,” you can almost hear the smile in his voice. “There’s no shame in asking for guidance and forgiveness.” 

“There were these things. . . that he said about me. Things like I was too needy, too dependent, and too much overall. And I feel like it’s true because no one ever seems to stay with me,” you let out a bitter chuckle as tears begin to well in your eyes. “I don’t know why I’m like this, maybe—maybe God is punishing me for a sin I don’t know and i-if that’s the case, Father, I seek forgiveness.” 

A breath. A low, violent exhale of breath. Your eyes flit to the grille, a pair of plush lips now visible through the tightly made slats. 

“You ask for forgiveness, atonement, yet do you actually believe?” he coos, voice low. 

“I don’t,” you answer a bit too quickly and blood boils under your nails. “I–I mean I don’t know.” 

“How do you expect me to help when you doubt the lord’s existence, little one?” Despite the provocative question, you see the faint curve of his smile through the darkness. “Are you desperate?” 

“I didn’t mean to offend,” you say quietly. The rain pour had begun again, drowning out the rest of the sound. “I’ve been coming here ever since the breakup. I enjoy watching people pray and smile, looking comforted. I just thought that if I did this, that comfort would extend to me as well. I’m sorry.” 

“The comfort is fleeting when you don’t believe it to be true,” he murmurs, ignoring your apology. “If you seek guidance, I can help you understand better and maybe then you’ll receive the comfort and the forgiveness that you crave oh so deeply.”

There’s a mocking lilt to his tone that you decide to ignore. It feels only right when you had outwardly said that you didn’t believe in the man’s religion. 

With an open heart, you accept his offer of guidance. 

You visit his office almost every night. 

You found yourself enjoying the church even more after hours. Ezra became a friend, which didn’t surprise you because that man had an essence about him that would charm the pants off of any devil that he might encounter. You guys did bible studies together and talked about other religions as well, and what it means to understand the words inscribed and given to the people. It was interesting to listen to. He would even give you assignments sometimes, telling you to read a specific paper or book. It felt like being at school again. He’d given you something you thought you had lost forever; A sense of purpose. 

It didn’t hurt that he was a sight to look at. His dark brown eyes always held a certain mischief to them, lighting up in amusement whenever you said anything peculiar. 

You knew it was cliche to have a crush on a priest, yet here you were, wagging an imaginary tail whenever he praised you for doing a good job. 

But tonight is not one of those days you feel all giddy and excited to see him. You enter the wide halls of the church and take a sharp turn towards his office, all you sense is impending doom, your insides riddled with anxiety. You’re shaking, barely able to feel your legs as you walk. 

When you enter, his eyes look up from the papers that lay in front of him, his gaze momentarily dropping to where your dress ends, then back up. His brows furrowing instantly at your heavy breathing, “Little bird, what’s wrong?” 

“Everything!” you exclaim, heaving a breath. “Everything is wrong—I’m wrong—I—fuck—” 

Ezra clears his throat in warning, “Language,” he says with a click of his tongue. 

“Sorry, Father.” you look down in shame, your hands balled into tight fists as you fight the urge to pace around his office. “I just—” 

He cuts you off, “Why don’t you take a seat and tell me what happened?” he smiles kindly. “And maybe you can stop shaking while you’re at it.” 

You nod as you take a seat. Your heart continuously rams against your ribcage and you can barely breathe, your throat convulsing in agony. Ezra gestures to you to look at him. When you do, he takes a deep inhale, making a demonstration in showing how his chest expands and contracts, his hand following the movement as if on waves. 

You breathe with him, the oxygen that fills your lungs calming you. 

“Good,” he hums. “Now tell me what happened.” 

“I saw him today. My—My ex,” you shook your head, reliving the moment. “He’s already seeing someone, which is fine if he was just honest about it. It’s some girl from work, the same girl I asked him about when he moved out,” a hiccup parts your sentence and you continue, your eyes dropping away from Ezra’s. “I said ‘is it her, do you like someone else’ and he said no. He pretended not to recognize me, even though his girlfriend did. I could see it in her eyes but he just walked past me, like I never existed.” 

A sole tear trickles down your cheek and you wipe it away with your sleeve, sniffling. When you feel another, you repeat the motion, finding solace in the softness of the fabric. “I’m an idiot,” you say, still not looking at him. “What am I even doing here? I should try to face reality not escape it in some—some church.” 

You hadn’t meant to sound so harsh. The church had helped you when you needed it most, it had given you Ezra, most of all. But you couldn’t help the words, you’re angry. Furious. You feel invisible out there, but here, here people recognize you, and ask where you’ve been when you came back the other day. It’s good to know that if you disappear some people would wonder about you. 

Ezra’s voice rings in your ear, and without even understanding the words he’s saying, you’re looking up. 

“Let’s try something,” he says probably again. “Come here.” 

You’re slightly confused but obliged. He pushes his chair slightly back, making some room between him and the desk. Your eyes drop to the end of his robes, two shiny shoes peaking from underneath. 

“Get on your knees.” 

You snort, “Excuse me?” 

“It’s going to calm you,” he says. “Do you trust me?” 

Your lips part with a faint gasp, you don’t blink as your eyes search his. There’s a tranquility in his expression that makes your heart throb. “Of course, Father,” you get on your knees. 

“Good girl,” he pats his thigh. “Now lay your head.” 

You do so without question this time, appreciating the firmness of muscle under your head. A moment passes, awkwardness starting to settle in, then you feel his fingers touching the back of your neck and gradually they move up to your scalp. Humming a gentle melody, he starts to stroke your hair, massaging your head as he went along. A deep sigh comes from the depths of your lungs, your nerves humming, your rigid muscles finally relax. 

“You’ve been doing so well these past couple of weeks,” he says, a hint of amusement lingering in his voice. “You’ve been learning, little bird, but you still have much to learn. The church is part of the real world, you haven’t been doing nothing.” 

Listening to him so intently, he sends shivers down your spine, the thickness of arousal pooling between your legs. He drags blunt nails down your scalp and comes down to your nape to squeeze from both sides. You’re embarrassed of the moan that rattles your throat but he doesn’t seem to mind it. You lean closer, pressing your cheek further against his leg. 

“Isn’t this nice?” he asks without needing the answer. “You, my obedient girl, listening and eager to please. You’ll always feel like this when you’re with me. No anxiety, no need to compete and try to accomplish something when all you want to do is. . . relax. . .” 

His voice had dropped to a whisper, every word a gentle caress to your skin. Eyes fluttering close, you only focus on the ups and downs of his voice, your body reacting to every stop and turn. The fabric of your underwear dampens, your folds becoming slicker the more you inch towards him. You ache for your fingers—or better yet his cock—but he isn’t allowed to touch you is he? 

You try to remember the lessons in celibacy but can’t seem to remember any of them. 

Your tighs instinctively press together, the brief friction doing little in dousing the wildfires between your legs. You wiggle a bit closer, his voice nothing but a siren song now. 

Ezra notices the constant movement, his fingers slip under your chin, and drags your eyes up to face him. Your breath hitches. The faint moonlight that trickles through the windows behind him cast his face in complete shadow, his features hardening with darkness. He slips his foot between your legs, the floor creaking under the sole of his shoe, “Now, why can’t you stay still when I’m trying so hard to soothe you, little bird?” 

He lifts the point of his shoe, the leather pressing directly against your throbbing clit. A surprised whimper rips from your throat, your body shaking as he drags the leather tip down. Your insides clench with want, with a primal need that you can’t seem to understand. 

You’re haunted by his words and the darkness that lurks in his eyes. Despite yourself, you press yourself up against his leg like some animal. You can’t seem to stop staring at him. And by the way he pushes his shoe further into you, borderline on almost being painful, you don’t think he minds either. 

Your eyes flutter as he parts his robe, your gaze immediately drops to the outline of his cock that’s visible. Your mouth waters. 

“Worship me,” he unbuttons himself with expertise but leaves it at that. “Until I tell you to stop.”

His leg still between your legs, you pull out his cock. The tip is an angry shade of red, precum dotting at the tip, without much thought you lean over and dip your tongue, tasting him for the first time. The taste of him coats the inside of your mouth and you swallow greedily, the blood rush to your ears muffling his voice. 

“Such a sweet whore,” he hums. “You like sucking cock, don’t you?” 

Dragging your lips down the length of him, you answer with him between your lips, “Yes, Father.” 

“I really do enjoy it when you call me that,” his thumb touches your cheek as you finally take him between your lips, you allow out your cheeks and flatten your tongue against the underside of his cock. “All you needed was a little encouragement and now you’re the perfect hole for me. There’s nothing wrong with you, all you need is someone to take care of you.” 

You hum in approval around him, taking him deeper while grinding against his leg, your dress rides up your thighs, your underwear nearly sheer in color.   

“I can feel how wet you are. So needy,” he lays back in his chair and spreads his legs. “I want to feel every inch of your mouth. I said worship, if this is how you think that works you’re mistaken, dove.” 

Your stomach churns at that. You want to make him happy—you truly do. You part from him, strings of saliva following the frame of your lips as you bend down closer to the floor, feeling the full shape of his shoe. You look up to him, the heft of his cock laying directly in the middle of your face, the scent of sex and him clinging to your nose. Opening your mouth, you lick between his balls, taking one into your mouth, you swirl your tongue around it. His eyes roll in pleasure, a thick drop of precome dripping to your forehead. 

“That’s it,” he raps and guides you back up, lining the bulbous head of his cock against your lips. He pushes forward, cock filling your mouth then inching down your throat. Tears trickle down your cheeks, your throat convulsing as you try to accommodate to the width of him. You swallow and swallow, until your nose is buried into the dark curls that crown his length. You can barely breathe. “I knew you could take it all, little one. I know that mouth could do more than talk.” 

The heavy palm of his hand moves down your throat, he feels the shape of himself through the skin. His cock twitches when it feels his hand, straining your mouth further. 

He pulls out and you gasp for air, his grin is wide as he looks down at you. “I want to make a mess of that face,” with the rough pitch of his words, you roll your hips, your clit catches against his shoe and a loud moan spills from your damp lips. He clicks his tongue with annoyance. “Ask for forgiveness,” he growls, hand moving up and down his cock with hard strokes. 

“For what, Father?” your voice is barely above a whisper. And you’re not sure why you asked when you’re going to surrender to his wants regardless of what they are. 

“For being a whore,” he spits. “For talking about a past flame and for taking pleasure without permission.” 

He watches with heavy eyes as you straighten yourself, his cock aimed directly at your face. You watch him with parted lips. His nail gently traces the vein that curls around the length of him, slick sounds filling the normally silent office. He swipes a thumb over his head and thrusts into his fist. 

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” you begin. “It has been two weeks since my last confession. I have behaved like a whore, talked about another man in the presence of the clergy, and taken pleasure without permission. I come before you seeking God's forgiveness and guidance.” 

“Will you repeat your sins?” 

“No, Father. Not unless I have permission to do so.” 

His hand quickens, his grip tightening, “Do it then,” he snarls with a devilish smile. “Ask me permission to be a whore.” 

Instead of a verbal permission, you part your mouth wide and stick your tongue out. His eyes widen with shock momentarily before understanding. He seems pleased and in return, you feel genuine jot for finally doing something right. 

He grips your chin, pulling you away from his leg and directly between his thighs. It doesn’t take him long to go over the age—one, two more strokes and you feel the first string of white come spurting over your face. It drips down your forehead from your face. The sounds Ezra make are unhinged, his hips lifting from the seat as he moans openly into the air, defiling you and marking you as his. His seed feels heavy over your face and with your tongue, you catch a bit of it, moaning as you swallow. 

Ezra hunches over you and you feel his tongue on your cheek, taking himself into his mouth, he presses his tongue into your mouth, forcing more of himself inside of you. 

When he parts away, you’re dazed, all pretense of the life outside of this church gone. 

“My sweet bird, so dirty now,” he purrs, this time he collects more of himself over his fingers and stuffs it into your mouth. Your eyes rolling you swallow over and over. “What do you say?” he asks melodically. 

“Thank you, Father.” 

[characteranalyst]

Phayu Character Analysis : The Man With a Borrowed Halo and One Foot in Hell

“My brother is far from simple, you’ll get burned if you don’t know how to play with fire” - Saifah

Gather round LITA obsessed children for an in depth analysis of our resident Daddy Dom Brat Tamer Phayu who Christian Grey wished he was and tried to be. You either hate him, love him, want to be him or all of the above.

I know PhayuRain’s arc seems like on the surface just a fluffy little romance with no need for lengthy think pieces.  But I’m obsessed with their dynamic and I could not let the hyper-fixation pass before doing a character analysis. Phayu haunts the periphery of dreams and I am hoping that this analysis will help me exorcise this beautiful spectre so I can finally know peace.

As much as I would genuinely love to crack open his skull and unspool all of his thoughts and motivations I cannot do that. So disclaimer obviously this will just be conjecture and my opinion and I am going to try and stick as closely as possible to canon and refrain from falling into head canon territory.

I have read Love Storm but I’m only going to be referencing how Phayu behaves in the series because I prefer that version of him. Also this is going to be a very LONGGGG post. I have many thoughts on this man. Feel free to skim through or save it to read for some other time.

I am mainly going to be speaking about the main character traits that I have observed from him and how he relates to the rest of the characters in the series. I think I am going to make a separate analysis of his dynamic with Rain because going in depth with that would be too much for me to mention here. 

Alright let’s get into it.

(1) EARLY CHILDHOOD AND YOUNG ADULTHOOD

We are given little to no information on his childhood and or young adulthood. What we do know is that his parents left him and Saifah an incredible house and the luxury garage so we can assume that they weren’t strapped for cash.  

Him and Saifah seem like two relatively well adjusted young men so I guess we can assume that there was little to no childhood trauma. In episode 6 during their pillow talk Phayu tells Rain that his parents are off living in Korat and enjoying their lives, I’m assuming. So I guess they’re not divorced. So he has no ‘separated parents’ trauma to deal with.

The only thing that gives us a little insight into how his childhood affected who he became as a person was when he told Rain the story of how his mother always used to argue with his father about how he could fix bikes beautifully but he could not build a house for them.

So Phayu decided that he was going to ensure that he was able to fulfil both by becoming a mechanic and an architect. I think from this we can conclude that Phayu is an overachiever and this displays his seemingly constant need to be perfect and the best.

I think this may also come from a child’s instinctual need to please their caretakers and make them proud. Phayu also seems like someone who has had a Type A personality from birth. In contrast to Saifah who seems like a little more laid back more go with the flow type.

From this little snippet of information we can also assume that his affinity for being a mechanic was either inherited from his father or taught to him and Saifah.

In conclusion it’s safe to say that Phayu does not really seem to have any trauma to speak of, he's just kinky.  I like the fact he doesn’t have any heavy trauma or unsavoury character traits (well I take this back he’s a little pushy and manipulative) he needs to get over. There is beauty in this simplicity where as a result, the majority of the narrative is focused on Phayu Rain falling in love with each other.

(2)   PHAYU AND HIS AIR OF MYSTERY (DR JEYKLL AND MR HYDE)

One thing that stood out to me when we as an audience were introduced to Phayu was his air of mystery. Everyone knows of him of course because he has been knighted as the God of the faculty of architecture.  But we see quickly that very few people actually know him personally. We can see how this fact plays out in the series through the following examples:

Pun says that she has no idea what kind of business Phayu runs but it's ok because she likes a man with a little mystery. (Episode 1)

Phayu refuses to tell Rain what he likes to eat on their first date because he says that Rain has to know him a lot longer before he can ‘snoop for information’ as he puts it. (Episode 3)

Phayu shares only a little information about his life with his senior Mhok before abruptly cutting the conversation short so as to not reveal too much information about his personal life. (Episode 4)

Phayu only reveals deep information about himself and his parents and childhood to Rain after their second time during pillow talk. (Episode 6)

He also doesn’t really seem to have close friends except for Prapai and Saifah. I don’t really think Saifah counts because he’s more of an unwilling captive because they have to share everything that their parents left them. I really don’t think they would even be friends if they weren’t brothers honestly because of their differing personalities. 

I think this ability to guard what he reveals to people helps maintain his mystique. There needs to be a certain level of distance and holding people at arm’s length that needs to take place in order for people to project their fantasies onto him and build him up as some sort of God among men.

I think the reason people idolise Phayu and like him so much is because they like the idea of him rather than the reality of him. I think if more people knew who he actually was in reality, they would be put off by how intense he is.

Rain seems like the only person who had become disillusioned with the idea of Phayu. After the debacle in Episode 1 he sees Phayu not as his ‘cool handsome big bike bro” but as a pushy piece of shit bastard that tried to assault him. I also think some of his anger towards Phayu had to do with him being confused by his feelings for him;  creating a cocktail of confusion for poor Rain to sort out. So he was able to view Phayu as a person and not place him on a pedestal like other people do.

I think this is what PhayuRain’s relationship needed to flourish as well because Phayu needs someone who is able to challenge him. We are well aware of how much he loves brats. The worshipful gaze of Som and Pun would not be satisfactory for him because they had him on a pedestal and were blinded by their idea of him so they would readily submit to him without much push back.

He needed someone with a backbone who could engage in a sort of push and pull relationship with him and our adorable little firecracker Rain was the perfect match. Phayu has people falling at his feet daily; he was in need of much more excitement than that.

Like the story of the titular character Dr.Jekyll a well-respected scientist who used his alter ego Mr.Hyde to delve into the darker side of science without repentance or taking responsibility; Phayu has that same sort of duality. I think Phayu keeps his kinky side under wraps and he’s very careful about whom he shows that part of himself to. Presumably only his lovers or potential lovers get to see his ‘bad side’.

So his DR JEKYLL would be, so to speak,the Phayu that is seen as a smart, capable, polite, helpful and well-adjusted young man, loved by all and sought after by many. This is the Phayu that would leave a random stranger his set square with an encouraging message about his future in architecture.

On the flip side his MR HYDE would be Dom Daddy Brat Tamer Phayu with a penchant for sadism and degradation.

At the end of the day both sides come together to make up who Phayu is as a person and there is nothing inherently wrong with his Mr. Hyde as long as he is able to channel it and engage with it safely with willing participants. Fortunately for him, he has Rain for that.

(3) WONKY MORAL COMPASS BUT STRINGENT PERSONAL RULES 

I really had a hard time dissecting this part. But I have come to the conclusion that Phayu deserves to be labelled as a morally grey or morally ambiguous person. I really have a soft spot for morally grey characters in media or literature. 

It makes the narrative far more interesting to follow. In real life however I would run in the opposite direction and call the police. But this isn’t supposed to be real, it's supposed to be a fantasy so I’m not going to go too much in depth about Phayu’s moral failings. This show doesn’t take itself too seriously so I’m not going to either.

Phayu is not a ‘nice’ person plain and simple and he knows it, contrary to Pun’s expository gushing in the first episode of the show when she refers to him as “super-duper nice”. After the spanking incident in Episode 2 (which was wild now that I think of it) where Rain declares that he is going to make him fall in love with him he says to himself;

 “You’re going to make me fall in love with you but do you know what kind of man I am.”

I think Phayu says this because he knows himself thoroughly the good, the bad and the ugly. Phayu has overcome himself. He has recognized all his shortcomings, all his base desires, all his lowliness, all the self-imposed restraints he places upon himself and overcome them. 

Phayu also strikes me as someone who has engaged with his shadow self and explored the parts of his psyche that most of us would repress and compartmentalise because we are too ashamed of our darkness to engage with it.

He has looked his darkness in the face and come to terms with it. That is why he says, "Do you know what kind of man I am?", because he understands people’s perception of him lies in stark contrast to his unsavoury character traits.

I also think his dabbling in BDSM has given him the room and space to conduct such exploration of himself in a safe, sane and consensual way. I think the nature of BDSM can afford people an outlet to engage with their own darkness and sort through it so that it doesn’t manifest in their life in other ways.

In Episode 1 we see where Prapai likens him to the devil (jokingly) but under every joke there is definitely some truth. If Prapai is calling him that it must be the truth because as we know Prapai looks like his only close friend.

We can assume that Prapai is incredibly familiar with Phayu’s Mr. Hyde as we can presume that they know each other very well so his assessment of dubbing Phayu as a devil must be accurate. 

Also head canon (I know I said I was going to refrain from going into head canon territory but please indulge me a bit) I’m sure they’ve fucked before in a bro-ish kind of way. I mean their both hot and bi and Prapai’s a sub in top’s clothing (I know Dom/sub and top/bottom are two separate things just enjoy the joke you know what I mean)  so it’s not far fetched to think they would have at some time fucked around a bit. 

Although I know Phayu is hardly the correct type of Dom for Prapai’s specific brand of subbiness. The point is I think that Prapai would be privy to Phayu’s true nature and how much of a little shit he can be when he isn’t using his powers for good.

In Episode 5 Saifah, the only other person we see having a close relationship with Phayu refers to him as a Devil as well.

I just know these two have witnessed some shit over the years of knowing Phayu that warranted him being referred to as a Devil.

Discussing Phayu’s moral code is very weird because it’s obvious that he doesn’t really adhere to a normal set of rules. We can assume he’s not particularly religious because it wasn’t mentioned.

I think Phayu is very domineering and kind of manipulative but at the same time he commands an air of respect. He is not necessarily what you would expect from someone who is so widely lauded as an exemplary person.

What also struck me about Phayu was the fact although his moral code seems a little flexible he has a few hard and fast non-negotiable rules that may seem arbitrary to someone like Rain but to him it may as well be gospel. 

One of these rules in the show is seen where we see he has a big thing for respect. We see an example of this when he calls Rain after he picks up his car from the garage and he tells Rain that only ill-mannered boys don’t greet the owner of the house when they stop by. He also ends the call by telling Rain to be respectful. We also see his thing for rules when he tells Rain that he doesn’t like ill-mannered boys and that he should address him as P’Phayu emphasising the use of honorifics.

Phayu is also a man of his word in Episode 7 when Rain tells Phayu that he will unleash his wrath on him if he ever cheats on him. Phayu just laughs and says he will never let Rain down. He holds true to this in the Special Episode when Rain accuses him of cheating on him with Natsu he utters the same sentiment that he promised to never let Rain down. This man looked absolutely horrified at the accusation like he wouldn’t even dream of it.

I think his strict adherence to rules other than him being a Dom could also be influenced by his exposure and affiliation with the likes of P’Pakin and P’Chai.  He knows that there will be dire consequences if the rules aren’t strictly adhered to. This is why he curses Stop for mentioning the race in public and he reprimands Rain for thoughtlessly wandering into the illegal street race without permission to be there.

BUT ON THE FLIP SIDE

He’s so stringent about ensuring that Rain is polite and respectful but he thinks it’s perfectly fine to tamper with Rain’s car so that he would have an excuse to be his knight in shining armour and save him so they could hook up. The math is not mathing at all. I know he’s an experienced mechanic and he wouldn’t have tampered with anything that would have led Rain getting in an accident and getting injured but still. WEIRD BEHAVIOUR KHUN PHAYU!!!!!! Also don’t even get me started on him using the debt of fixing Rain’s car as some weird way to stalk him??? RED FLAGGGGGG!! His methods of courtship definitely need some fine tuning. 

In conclusion his contradictory moral code gives me whiplash trying to figure out where on the scale from angel to devil I should place him. But I think he’s just human. No one is all good and all bad and I think that Mame writes very human raw characters that make you feel something. I’ll give credit where credit is due.

(4) AN EERIE LEVEL OF SELF CONTROL AND THE PATIENCE OF A SAINT 

This man probably never has New Year’s Resolutions because he’s already operating at optimal condition. Phayu is portrayed to be quite literally always in control. The only time he looks undone is after THAT SCENE in Episode 6.

We see this self-control manifest in the way he makes love to Rain in a very formulaic, worshipful and almost performative manner. Gently throwing Rain’s head back, holding his hands down and caging his body. Rain responds in kind to his dominance by always baring his throat in submission and allowing his body to go lax under Phayu’s ministrations.

It’s so gentle but he’s still being dominant and in control. While Rain always looks halfway between heaven and earth during these scenes Phayu always seems wholly present and tethered to earth (like a good Dom should be) creating a space in which his precious sub can feel safe enough to fly out of this stratosphere.

The subtlety with which he maintains control makes me absolutely feral. There is hardly any jostling or manhandling but it’s still forceful. I think a great example of the subtlety of how Phayu displays his dominance can be seen in the PhayuRain make-out scene in Episode 5.

The natural way he cages Rain’s neck to control the flow of the kiss.

The way he stop kissing Rain when Rain tries to lead and he put a finger to his lips in a way that almost screams “Relax I’m in charge here.”

Unlike our donut firecracker Rain (my sweet boy) that was ready to scrap at the first sign of disrespect, Phayu seems like he is not one to resort to violence if they could sort it out by just talking and coming to an amicable solution.

We can see an example of this where Phayu refused to be baited by Stop into fighting with him even though Stop was about to punch him at the night racing circuit in the beginning of Episode 6.

Also before the race between him and Stop where Stop was trying to rile him up. He was able to remain level headed while Stop immediately lost his cool and tried to fight him once again when Phayu insulted him.

I’m assuming this self-control is more nature than nurture. It seems like he is the type to have always been calm and self-contained. He doesn’t need to bark loudly because his competence and self-assuredness speaks volumes. 

He quite literally doesn’t yell often he just uses that husky dom voice. The only time he ever really raised his voice was when he was shouting at Rain in Episode 2 when he was worried that he could have gotten killed for sneaking into the illegal street circuit race.

The thing about dominance and control that I think people like Stop with fragile egos get wrong is that they think it comes from a place of aggression, peacocking and forcing people to bow to your will. This is however not the sort of dominance that will truly gain you respect and have people willingly obey you.

Phayu’s dominance and control comes from a place of nurturing and caring and people only defer to him and his authority because he has proven time and time again that he is capable of shouldering the responsibility of what this control entails and he has consequently gained their respect because of it.

(5) PRIDE GOES BEFORE A FALL 

No matter how level headed he is and self-control he possesses he’s still a man and he has been socialised to exist as a man. So he’s not above engaging in a motorcycle race with an asshole like Stop to prove a point and because of his pride.

I like how this moment humanised Phayu and showed how no matter how above petty human emotions he seems, he’s still liable to fall victim to making decisions based on ego.

However, I like that he was self-aware enough to realise that he was indeed only participating in this race because of his pride because he says to Rain when he tries to stop him some things just don’t have an explanation. 

We can contrast him racing Stop because of his pride and him kneeling before Stop and crawling to save Rain from being hurt. Although he has an ego he was more than willing to put pride aside to ensure Rain’s safety.

(SIDENOTE- I died watching the kidnapping ordeal in episode 7 that shit was so unserious. The picture of Rain that Stop sent Phayu lives in my head rent free and I cackle from time to time because of it.) 

(6) “P’PHAYU LHOR MAKKKKK!” – Pun  (PRETTY PRIVILEGE AND THE HALO EFFECT)

Physical appearance is often a major part of the halo effect. People who are considered attractive tend to be rated higher as possessing positive traits in contrast to people who aren’t considered conventionally attractive.

I think beauty can be blinding and make people more willing to overlook people’s misgivings. As the halo effect states people are more likely to project good qualities on to people they deem to be conventionally attractive.

As I said when I was addressing his air of mystery; because people are so predisposed to projecting all these good qualities on Phayu the distance and the space that he creates between him and other people can be filled with these projections and good qualities so that they build him up in their minds as this amazing person.

This man radiates and secretes ungodly amounts of sex appeal without trying. So I think his general attractiveness is one of the reasons as well why Rain had a hard time getting people to believe that Phayu was a pushy manipulative little asshole in the beginning.

Do I think Phayu would have commanded the same level of respect that he does without also being pretty? I don’t know to be honest. I do however think Phayu is an unintentional cautionary tale about the dangers of projecting good qualities on someone just because they’re attractive and being blind to their faults.

(7) SELF ASSURED, CONFIDENT AND CHARMING – CONCEITED?

I mean I’d be that confident too if I was rich, handsome, talented, smart ANDDDDD could fuck like a porn star but I digress. Very much a quiet confidence to him as was elaborated on when I spoke about the air of mystery. He is evidently very capable and consequently people rely on him and I think his self- assuredness comes from the fact that he can back up his claims because he has every right to be self-centred.

Without mincing words this man is very conceited. However although he is conceited he doesn’t lack empathy and he doesn’t seem too self-involved as evidenced by the way he ensures that he takes care of the people he cares about.

(8) PHAYU THE COMPULSIVE CARETAKER, CONCEITED BUT NOT SELF-INVOLVED

We see in Episode 4 how Phayu puts Rain’s needs before his by ensuring that Rain focuses on his school work and ensures that his development and advancement as a person comes before pursuing a romantic relationship with Phayu.

He ensures that Rain understands how slacking on his work in pursuance of other things will affect his work life and he lectures him while still comforting him after. I really liked this scene in Episode 3 because Phayu is able to help Rain because he’s older and more experienced and he’s gone through it before. I also like the fact that there isn’t a hint of condescension in his voice, just concern and wanting to ensure that Rain becomes the best version of himself.

Phayu shows how much he cares about Rain and is invested in making Rain a priority in his life in so many little ways. We can see in Episode 5 how Phayu leaves an important meeting to answer Rain’s text messages. Also in Episode 4 When Rain finishes his project early after an all-nighter and instead of sleeping he goes straight to Phayu. Phayu ensures that there is reciprocity in their relationship by saying that you missed out on sleep to come see me, so I'm going to hurry up and finish my work so we can hang out.

He makes an effort to help Rain finish his models like he promised to do in his speech in Episode 5. Also in Episode 4 he apologises to Rain for his phone dying and for making him wait for him in the rain. In Episode 6 after he almost gets in a fight with Stop the first thing he does is ask Rain if he’s alright even though he was the one that almost had a brawl with Stop.

I think we really see throughout the show how the way Phayu interacts with Rain takes on a sort of paternalistic tinge. The title of Daddy is incredibly fitting and I really just think this is him being a good Dom.

That’s why I think this is the reason Phayu looks so touched and taken aback when Rain and him first meet and he holds the umbrella for Phayu while he’s changing his tire. Phayu’s so used to being relied on and being assumed to be competent and well put together. He’s used to giving without expecting anything in return. So when Rain does this small act of kindness in an effort to repay this Good Samaritan, Phayu becomes fascinated with him. 

(9) ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS B.R. (Before Rain)

Was he possibly a whore? Not as much of a whore as Prapai but he has definitely spun the block. Whereas our beloved service top Prapai has built a gated community in which he resides on said block. Phayu had a condom stashed under that toy car so we know he was getting some action.

He was probably not a whore whore because as he said to Rain in the bathroom scene:

We all know why he’s particular. I don’t think he would have been able to find a lot of people willing to put up with his domineering attitude and controlling nature long term if they didn’t have that sort of kink no matter how insanely hot he is.

But there were definitely others before Rain if we can take cues from the offhanded comments of the other characters in the series. Saifah tells Rain in Episode 3 when he’s waiting for Phayu that there were others before him. Was it a lot of others though? The world may never know.

Saifah comments on the fact that Phayu has been single for a long time and Saifah tells him if he wants to be happy like him he should get in a serious relationship. So we can assume that long term romantic relationships for Phayu have more than likely been few and far between. He probably was not celibate though as we see how he was going to have a one night stand with Rain.

We see Saifah saying that he feels bad for whoever is making Phayu smile like that and how he warns him not to be too mean to Rain because he will run away. We can assume that others have been perturbed by how intense Phayu was in the past and they have run off.

I’m sure Saifah knows Phayu very well and even if he isn’t aware of the details of his kinkiness he knows Phayu has a thing about control and a mean streak. At least that’s what Saifah computes it as in his vanilla mind. I’m sure this poor man has heard and seen way too much. JUSTICE FOR SAIFAHH!!!!!!

Lastly before they get together Phayu constantly tests Rain to see if he can handle what a long term relationship with him would look like. I’m sure this comes from things not working out in the past and Phayu wanting to ensure that Rain can handle him.

We can see that Phayu may have abandonment issues from things not working out in the past with his romantic pursuits when in Episode 5 he’s scared and panicked and sad when Rain runs away after they have sex for the first time. I have three theories about this:

(1) He didn’t want to lose Rain because he’s a unicorn and he may never have hope of finding someone so perfect for him again.  

(2) He was abandoned before because he was too much and overbearing and it triggered him.

(3) He’s big on communication and he feels slighted that Rain ran away before they could discuss how their relationship would develop after they had sex for the first time.

It could have quite possibly been a combination of all of the above. Phayu seems like the type to be fully invested in a long term relationship and he seems like someone who loves deeply so I think him testing Rain was him just trying to ensure that Rain was worth the investment before he got too attached.

(10) PHAYU THE SCULPTOR ; HIS OBSESSION WITH POTENTIAL AND MOULDING THINGS TO HIS LIKING 

“Rain before you design a house you need to design your life first”- Phayu

I get the impression that Phayu’s view on life is that everything can be curated and tailored to his liking if he tries hard enough. He’s definitely not a go with the flow kind of person. Every single move he makes is intentional. Looking at his two professions being an architect and his side of job of being a mechanic; these are two things that require moulding, precision.

Architects are able to create and design and bring their vision to life and make it tangible. It’s a very creative profession with the added bonus of having something you designed realised in real life.

Also mechanics are constantly tinkering with engines and in control of powerful machinery. Whether they work on maintenance, diagnostics, or repairs, they have to perform those tasks with exacting detail. That is because this careful work on important vehicle components could save someone’s life.

This speaks to Phayu’s pedantic nature with the added element of not wanting to deal with the consequences of disappointing Pakin. These machines are kind of like a puzzle to be solved.

But the catch is those things aren’t really his and they don’t truly belong to him.

In Episode 3 we can infer that sometimes clients may criticize his designs and he has to mould it to their liking instead of relying on his own vision.

In Episode 1 Prapai tells him your babies are so beautiful (referring to the motorcycles) but Phayu corrects him and says that they don’t belong to him.

But I think that although he doesn’t own these things and that he may be required to tailor the design of a house to someone else’s liking still these tasks scratch his itch for moulding and creating.

Then *enter stage left* a wild Rain appears, a blank canvas unmarred by past sexual or romantic experience. He has no expectations and no idea how anything works so he’s able to become a sort of pliable clay that Phayu can use his deft fingers to mold to his liking consequently making Rain his.

We can are shown how their relationship is mutually beneficial and how it works for them. Different folks have different strokes.

The glint in his eyes and the way Phayu all but shivers in excitement every time Rain tells him he can’t do something. 

Episode 4 – "I’ll teach you"

Episode 6- "I'll train you to be the best rider"

In the infamous Daddy scene in the special episode he says "When I teach I teach to the core" 

It’s not explicitly stated but I’m sure this man got off constantly at the fact that he was Rain’s first everything when it came to sex and romance and he is constantly in charge of moulding him.

We can definitely see how much of a diligent student and quick learner Rain is and how Phayu is consequently able to enjoy the fruits of his labour. (SIDE NOTE: I’m sure Phayu wasn’t prepared for the monster he created in Rain.)

I love the reciprocity in their relationship as Phayu shows Rain just how desired he is and worships him constantly.

(11) WHY HE WAS DEFINITELY A KID WHO HATED SHARING HIS TOYS 

Phayu strikes me as a man who knows exactly what he wants and  how to obtain it and when he finds it he will hold on to it and never let it go. We are given countless examples of Phayu’s blatant possessiveness over Rain once they begin their unorthodox courtship.

When after their first time Phayu says to Rain that he must repeat the phrase “Rain belongs to P’Phayu.”back to him.

This man heard that Pun was in Rain’s general vicinity and immediately drove to him to stake his claim. Also when he admits to being “insanely jealous” of Pun ever since he heard that Rain used to have a romantic interest in her.

He removes Saifah’s hand from Rain’s shoulder in Episode 4 and tells him to get back to work after Saifah suggests that he could teach Rain how to ride a super bike.

I do think this possessiveness is also in part because Phayu realises how much of a rare find Rain is and he will do everything in his power to ensure that they stay together forever. I also think in contrast, Rain’s possessiveness has more to do with him constantly having to fight off potential suitors because everyone is in love with Phayu (well the idea of him). 

I appreciate however that his possessiveness isn’t portrayed as particularly toxic because in episode 5 when Phayu is having lunch with Sky and Rain and Rain tells Sky he loves him after he told him that Phayu and him were dating.

Instead of getting unreasonable jealous of Rain and Sky’s obviously platonic relationship, Phayu simply says that he has no reason to be jealous because he knows that Sky and Rain are just friends.

I think if they ever decided on venturing out and engaging in a threesome it would 100% be Rain’s idea in order to satiate his own curiosity. Phayu would go along with it (ever indulgent of his sweet boy) but he would probably have to be in control the entire time while simultaneously barking orders at the third party about how to pleasure Rain properly.

(12) THE SADISTIC  LITTLE SHIT (AFFECTIONATE) AND HIS “DEK NGO”  "DEK NARAK"

I know PhayuRain and their kink list is longer than the elevator ride to hell but I’m going to focus on what in my opinion is Phayu’s poison of choice. That is sadism and degradation.

More specifically emotional and psychological sadism mostly. I don’t think he’s particularly opposed to physical sadism though. In the special episode he said he punished Rain until he was sore but Rain liked it. Although this is vague and he could have been sore for different reasons we see in Episode 2 when Phayu is berating Rain for breaking into the illegal race that isn’t above spanking Rain.

I don’t really know for sure if Rain is a masochist though I think he is definitely willing to try things with Phayu but he didn’t really seem to enjoy the spanking but I guess that was mostly because they didn’t know each other that well.

So I think while Phayu is mainly an emotional sadist and he prefers it he partakes in physical sadism with Rain because I think Rain would prefer that more based on his personality. This is mainly because of his obvious praise kink.

(CC: Rain’s blissed out expression when Phayu whispered “keng mak” i.e. “Good job” in his ear in the bathroom stall scene after Rain had followed his instructions.)

So the degradation that comes along with emotional sadism may not be Rain’s cup of tea.

After the incident in Episode 3 where Phayu told Rain to change ‘ngo’ to ‘narak’ ; I think he realised how insecure Rain was about being called stupid and that this was a hard limit for Rain. We can see as the story progress after this incident where Phayu either calls him “naughty boy” or some version of good boy.

I do think that this is an example of how Phayu is willing to tailor and transform his kinks and compromise to ensure that Rain is comfortable. He realised that Rain responds far better to praise and made the necessary adjustments.

We also see Phayu’s penchant for degradation and humiliation in  Episode 3 where he buys Rain extra small underwear. Although they were the correct size for Rain, Phayu had to throw  in a little dick size shaming for his own amusement. The smug little smile after he riles Rain up about this speaks for itself. 

However I wanted to fight him when he made my baby Rain cry in episode 5 after he made Rain think that he didn’t want to be with him anymore. Although I kind of feel like this was sort of more punishment for the fact that Rain ran off after their first time in Episode 4 and made him worry. I guess it’s safe to add dacryphilia to their long ass kink list. Phayu you sadistic little shit. 

If we also listen to the words of Phayu in his little speech before they make out in episode 5, I swear the only thing missing from this was Phayu getting down on one knee and proposing to Rain. 

He says:

We can see that he enjoys this and gets off on being the one to tease and degrade Rain. He knows Rain’s limits and he ensures that he follows up any degradation with praise as a  salve to any open wounds he’s caused with his words. I think Rain eventually adapts to this part of Phayu however because in Episode 7 he tells Phayu that he is willing to let Phayu tease him forever. 

I love how they are both willing to adapt and compromise to better serve each other’s needs. Phayu constantly keeps Rain off kilter constantly guessing, constantly teasing him but at the same time he ensures that Rain understands that Phayu loves him and he is valued.

Phayu is constantly and reflexively adjusting himself to meet Rain's needs from moment to moment and I applaud him for it. Good job Daddy you get a gold star for all your hard work.

(13) PHAYU THE INVENTOR OF HEALTHY COMMUNICATION

This definitely has to be one of my favourite things about Phayu. I’m sure Rain isn’t the first person Phayu has attempted to have some sort of D/s relationship with and at the core of this is communication, consent and boundaries. 

D/s relationships especially 24/7 ones involve copious amounts of consent and negotiation and communication but I know that the show couldn’t necessarily explicitly address the fact that they are in a 24/7 D/s relationship so we don’t get any sit down moments where Phayu and Rain discuss it blatantly. However I would assume that at some point Phayu sat Rain down and explained to him what their dynamic is and what was expected of him.

We definitely see how much Phayu values communication in the Special Episode when Rain misreads a situation. Where he sees Phayu talking to Natsu on the couch in Phayu’s home. I mean to be fair sparks were flying between them. I don’t know  if that was just a Boss thing because good God this man can generate sexual tension with a  wall. (Went off on a tangent there moving on back to communication.)

I think that Phayu understands that Rain has a sort of inferiority complex that is made worse by people being constantly baffled as to how Rain ended up with a guy like Phayu. Rain also most likely due to immaturity and lack of life experience has a problem with communication and conflict resolution. 

Phayu has to drag the confession out of Rain about why he’s upset with him. We see where this man has quite literally done nothing wrong yet still he gets on his knees to apologise and tries to make it up to Rain. 

I love that Phayu possesses the maturity to  never allow misunderstandings to remain unaddressed and fester. Although Rain may lack the maturity to speak up and directly tell Phayu what is bothering him in any given situation, Phayu ensures that they talk it out so that their conflicts do not go unresolved and that resentment does not have the opportunity to set in. 

(14) PHAYU SEX & SEXUALITY 

Phayu is an unapologetically shameless and sexual person. This comfortability in his sexuality and his lack of preoccupation with other people's opinion of him allows him to exude a calm self assurance and striking sex appeal subconsciously. 

This comfortability with his own sexuality was displayed many times throughout the series. In Episode 3 when that are at the porridge shop and Phayu goads Rain into being unashamed of the fact that they were in public and on a date with each other.

In Episode 5 after Rain told Sky that he was dating Phayu he said he was happy that Rain told his best friend about them because he understands that he would be apprehensive in case Sky would start to see him differently. I like that he lets Rain come out on his own time and he doesn’t rush him. Lastly in Episode 6 Phayu proudly introduces Rain as his boyfriend to P’ Chai at the street race. 

Phayu is a readymade character who has presumably gone through the stage in his life where he would have explored his sexuality and unusual proclivities and has come to the point of acceptance. I think that is why he is portrayed as someone who knows exactly what he likes and enjoys and is unashamed of it.

This is why he seems to be such a safe place for Rain to explore the full spectrum of his own sexuality.  There is never any judgement in Phayu's eyes when they uncover another one of Rain’s off the walls kinks. We just see at most a sort of mild amusement and an instant willingness to acquiesce and indulge Rain.

Phayu being out and proud made Rain feel like it was ok to have these feelings so his apprehension about identifying as such quickly dissipated.He’s constantly willing to teach, indulge and hold Rain’s hand through this journey and I just think that’s so neat. 

Everyone deserves to have a safe place like Phayu when dipping their toes in and navigating the troubled unpredictable waters of sex and sexuality especially when coming to terms with their own queerness. 

WHAT IS PHAYU’S MAIN MOTIVATION THAT UNDERSCORES EVERYTHING SINGLE ACTION THAT HE TAKES?

The simple answer to this is control. This is important because I don’t see Phayu as someone who particularly chases after power but control? Yes most definitely.Power is the ability to make something happen. Control is the ability to make something happen the way you want. We are all created differently but Phayu needs control at all times in the same way we need oxygen to survive. It’s just the way his wires were crossed. 

Phayu could have easily just admitted to Rain on their first meeting that he remembered him and he could have left it to chance how their encounter would have gone. He could have also gone through the Prapaiesque route and  just pursued Rain himself. 

But he was different; he made sure that he was in control of  their dynamic from the very beginning. The aforementioned options left far too many variables that could have thrown a wrench in Phayu’s end game which was getting Rain. 

He even somehow managed to get Rain to pursue him and have him think that it was his idea. Even though he was the one who liked Rain from the very beginning.

This desperate all-consuming need to be in control at all times is tempered by Phayu’s ability to adequately shoulder the responsibility that comes with that control. Everything he does is calculated. There is always an end goal. Consequently he thrives and is most content when he has someone like Rain to be in charge of in a sense.

The contentment and ease that seems to overtake Phayu when he and Rain are in an established relationship is a sight to see. He’s no longer untethered; he's firm and grounded.

CHARACTER’S RELATIONSHIP TO THE PLOT

There isn’t too much angst and the denouement/final conflict just concerns external factors and has nothing to do with Phayu Rain’s romantic relationship

The plot is just romance; from the meet cute in the rain to the established relationship. I love how we just felt like we were along for the ride to watch two men fall irrevocably in love with each other and fit together perfectly like puzzle pieces.

CHARACTER’S GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT THROUGHOUT THE SERIES

I’m going to be honest I don’t think there was much life altering character growth with Phayu. When we meet Phayu he seems like a fully fleshed out character who knows what he wants and isn’t ashamed of his proclivities and sexuality so there is no room to explore there or for any consequent development. Phayu is a static character with no change in behaviour, and his values and attitudes remain pretty consistent throughout the entirety of the text and the series. 

I don’t think I’m getting over PhayuRain anytime soon. If you got all the way to the end I hope you enjoyed my ramblings. Let me know if you guys have anything to add. The plot as well as the characters in this show were a far cry from perfect but I keep coming back to it so they must have done something right. 

[ask-but-beware-the-consequences]

It is pride month, I had to miss both occasions of the pride event because of university, so I'm going to vent all my anger out here about the country I live in.

We're standing before the (minister) votes' results, and we see who won the election, but I am already on edge, crying vomiting (derogatory), because i just know it would be too good to be true that our current bitch president will be switched off. The president who made laws against the entirity of pride event (2016), against every lgbtq+ person (2020 in JUNE), and new laws against trans people (2024), including surgeries. The president who is advertising himself in fucking chineese outside of China, just to get more votes idk how or how is that legal.

I love my country, I love my people, my heritage, the familiar places and its biological surroundings, but I can't and don't want to live in a closed world where all that has haunted and damaged me in my childhood is coming back to me. I don't want to hear people go back to: "men are right, women are wrong", at gender options: "men, women, and women with extra steps (the option for not wanting to mention or they/them or etc)".

A person shouldn't experience feeling both demasculinezed for being gay and for "looking like a girl" (bc long hair) while being repulsed because the society around you associates women with their reproductive organs, which is the biggest bs I've heard.

We need the soul of rock 'n' roll back and being a punk, a hippie with what they've stood for.

We need trans rights, trans surgeries NOT ONLY for the trans people (like nullification surgeries), but for strengthening the aspects of acceptance of people in general; to weaken the toxic "masculinity rules"; for asexuals, and for all of those who are repulsed by: -having a gender -having reproductive organs without wanting to use them for reproduction -the idea of being r*ped in war (literally next door countrywise) and so on

And what is wrong with people, taking away their rights in general? Like, yeah I'm used to the logic of "we don't have 'problematic people' on paper officially, since we don't give that as an option". But this? New move? Of just ganging up on literal people? For being individuals? For being different? Do the other people not see that they are still literally under the same, only one species' in this world, that can talk? That they are still human? The nerve, the disrespect. I have a better idea, how about we gang up on people legally, based on their actual crimes like idk, robbing a whole fucking UNION.

But I digress. Aside the section of the lgbtq+ community.

We need feminism too for allowing men to be human without feeling less of a man, for not ridiculing women. (Because, you think women are defenseless? Come to the fucking military bro they can kill you with or without a weapon.) I am so angered because I will not go back to that past bullshit view without a damn fight. I might be a gay asexual, but I am an adult, I've lead battles for rights before, I will lead one again if I have to. You just watch me medieval sword larp this shit because I am anything but a "sissy", contrary to popular belief.

[sfwregressionfanfictions]

Growing pain: Johanna Mason x little reader

Summary: Johanna and (Y/N) find ways to live after the pain.

Wc: 4k

Tw: hunger games details, mentions of death and gore. Less that The Hunger Games , but more that the average agree fic.

I feel like I’ve lost control of everything since the games ended and the rebellion succeeded. After years of torture, it was over but I wasn’t over it. Mentally I was never free. I feel it lurking around every corner, in my brain and physically.

I see the faces of the people I killed in the arena and for the rebellion. I see the faces of those I lost: Finnick, bogs and so many others. I see the torture I endured in the capital and in my district. I cannot sleep due to this haunting.

I’m lucky enough not to be alone. After the rebellion won the therapist said both Johanna and I should not live alone. We both quickly decided we tolerate each other well enough, so we would rather live together than have a “babysitter”. We still have mandatory therapy appointments but most are done on the phone.

Johanna was loud and harsh a majority of the time, she seemed to have calmed down slightly since our freedom was established. She was outspoken still but she was honest and genuine. She always tried her best to calm me during my episodes, she has improved her ability to empathize but still struggles.

She says I help ground her too. I never feel like I do, but I suppose I can’t determine how she feels. She sometimes talks about how we met, she talks about how she saw me during my games while she was the mentor, and she discusses the past and who we were. Johanna has grown nostalgic, talking about the innocence in my eyes during my first interview. It’s hard to remember. I’m only 21 now, but it’s hard to remember when I was a child or when I had a childhood.

Even before the games, I fought to survive and help my family survive. I trapped animals by the fences and worked for anyone willing to pay. And not to talk about the horrors from after my first game.

Now we live in a house on the edge of the woods in district 7. Johanna has started building a log cabin farther into the woods, as she has wanted to do for a long time, it’s part of her therapy I think. I meet with my therapist meets with me every Saturday morning, and so far she’s said I’ve made no improvements.

She wants to actually meet in person this weekend so we can try a new method. I agreed, only because I knew Johanna would be in the woods. She would probably stay close enough to hear me if I scream, she’s always nervous to leave me with strangers.

Johanna had left early for the woods, claiming she wanted to get a lot of work done. My therapist showed up with a large bag over her shoulder. She made herself comfortable in Johanna and my living room. She accepts my offer of water, rejecting coffee or tea.

“So how have you been sleeping?” She asks, as soon as I sit across from her.

“Umm… The usual amount… I guess maybe a little more…” I reply shyly. I hated that question.

“That’s good that you are increasing your sleep, even just a little. That’s a huge step for you!” She said, she was sincere, but I always feel like she’s being sarcastic. “What about nightmares?”

“No change,” I said almost too fast. It’s not that there was an increase in number, it was an increase in severity.

“Okay, now I was hoping you would be willing to talk about what you were like before the games?” The therapist asked.

“God it’s been so long, I guess I was a normal child? I mean I had a family, I went to school, worked. I was the average kid in my district.” I reply.

“So what I’m hearing is you never really had time for those key parts of being a kid?” The therapist asked, “Did you feel like your needs were being met in all capacities?”

“Yeah! My family gave me the best life they could!” I yell, I felt like she was spitting on the efforts and the fight they put into providing the life I had.

“I didn’t mean to offend you, I simply meant compared to that of perhaps a capital child!” The therapist explained, “the reason I brought it up is so I could be positive that this therapy had a chance to be helpful.”

“What is this therapy?” I said reserved again.

“So it’s called age regression. It is a coping/therapeutic method that helps you reconnect to your inner child, to a point where you were safe and felt loved.” The therapist explained, “what it is, is you revert to a childlike mental state where you will have a chance to engage with like like you are that age.”

I grumble, almost embarrassed that this is even a suggestion. I think about how Johanna’s therapist told her to build the house she wanted and acknowledge the way she feels. AND I GET TURNED INTO A BABY?

“You don’t seem thrilled by the idea, however, I would really like you to give it a genuine try.” The therapist said, “I won’t ask you to attempt in front of me as I know you aren’t ready for that yet. But I would also like you to reflect if there was any time you might have accidentally or unintentionally regressed okay?”

“Yeah, I guess I can try to do that.” I signed.

“Okay, I will leave you with this bag of different items that might help you regress. And how about we call next week and meet in person the time after that?” She asked.

“Yeah, that will work for me,” I said staring at the bag as if it could come alive at any point.

She was quick to leave after that. Once I was alone, I picked up the bag. However, the door goes flying open, and in comes Johanna. She tried to play it cool, but it was obvious she wanted to make sure I was okay.

“What’s in the bag?” Johanna immediately asked, pointing her ax at it.

“Apparently stuff for a new type of therapy…” I gave up the information.

“Yeah? Morphling? That’s some good stuff to help you forget the pain.” She jabs at herself, she had an intense addiction after she was held in the capital.

“Umm… no… I don’t know exactly what is in it…” I didn’t lie, I technically didn’t know exactly what was in the bag.

“Okay,” She raised her hands as a surrender, “I have to get back to work, but I’ll be back before dinner tonight.”

“Okay, be safe,” I reply.

“Obviously, got a lot to do still!” She replied.

With Johanna gone, I brought the bag to my room. I closed to door and immediately started going through the bag. I was almost embarrassed to say that I was excited, it felt like I was getting lots of gifts.

On the top of the bag, I pulled out fake stuffed animals, a bunny, and a bear. I giggled lightly thinking of how Jo and I presented, the stuffed animals looked like us. I was fast and jumpy during my games, like a bunny. Johanna was strong and sturdy with her axe during her games, like a bear.

I go into the bag again and find a few types of dolls. Then I pull out diapers, I yelp at this. I placed the diapers very far away, I wasn’t willing to try that! I grab another item quickly to avoid lingering on the diapers. The item I pull out is a storybook. It was a picture book, it looked like something I would have enjoyed as a kid.

I dove into the bag again, this time pulling out a coloring book. I could do that and not feel too embarrassed. I continued pulling stuff from the bags, primarily toys, pacifiers, and teethers.

With everything laid out, I decided that I was willing to try the coloring books and teethers/paci tonight. The stuffed animals somehow already made themselves at home on my bed. I guess I should put on something comfortable and try what the therapist said.

Once cozy, I lay on the floor and begin looking through the coloring book. I settle on a picture of a Pegasus with butterflies. I begin coloring the picture, I start on the butterflies, coloring the wings a burnt orange. I was cautious of the edges.

Soon enough, I was done coloring the butterflies and I am feeling slightly fuzzy in the head. It was odd, it felt like when I would go to the parties in the capital and would drink the strange bubbly drinks, that always made me giggly. I was giggly now too. I notice I am not holding the crayon correctly anymore. I am gripping it in my fist, and rubbing it against the page.

I feel light, almost weightless. It is nice to feel so carefree, I am childlike again. I feel like when I was 7. I dive back into coloring, one page turns into two turns into a handful. My drawing begins to ignore the lines and I pick the most fun colors rather than the ones that would work together the best. I start sprawling on the floor, rubbing my eyes with my balled-up fist, and haphazardly swiping my hair out of my face with no grace.

I suppose it must have been a while since I began my session. Because it grew dark in my room, as the light from the window faded out of view. I whimper at the change in light, I feel silly being scared of the dark but I was so small. Smaller than when I was 7, I wanted Johanna. I always felt safe with her. However, I couldn’t let her see me like this. I felt embarrassed that this made me feel better, I should be able to deal with it like every other victor. But here I am sprawled on the ground giggling at the pictures I color, as my thumb migrates toward my mouth. Just as it passes my lips, the slamming of a door startles me. Johanna always was rough on the doors after a long day.

“(Y/N)?” She yelled out from the living room. I freeze, think big thoughts, think big thoughts I repeat to myself.

“Yes?” I yell back, I sounded wrong. I move to get up and go to the door, hoping she wasn’t set on coming into my room as there was no time to get everything hidden before she comes in. I was lucky enough to slip out before she made it to my door. I smile at the sight of her sweaty frame, she had been working hard on the cabin. Seeing her like this was always slightly domestic, she had a slight smile and her axe was left at the door.

“What have you been up to, birdie?” Johanna asked, she called me that as the first time we met, I squawked like a bird. I did not mean to she startled me and now she wouldn’t let me live it down.

“I was doing something that the doc wanted me to do…” I reply shyly, It was scary to talk about treatment. Johanna would want to know, making a comment about ‘supporting’ each other. She acted like it was important to us, but I think she just likes being nosy. “I meant to make dinner, but I go distracted…”

“You sound off, weird almost,” Johanna said bluntly, she didn’t mean it in an offensive way she just spoke like that. “How about we cook up some soup now? We got that rice from district 11 that you liked, we can try to make the rice soup seeder made that one time.”

She always seems to remember the small things that I liked. Last week, she decided to visit Finnick (He was alive but had some nasty scars from the muttations.), and came back with a Tupperware of the same dessert Annie made for her baby shower. I mentioned once that I wish I had the recipe so I could remake it, but I knew it was an important family recipe for Annie so I didn't pry.

“I would like that…” I reply, I sounded small and innocent still like a child. Johanna said nothing this time, I suppose she didn’t care enough to point out that fact.

“Start filling that pot up with water, I’m gonna clean up a little,” Johanna says walking to the bathroom, Johanna has gotten better with showers and water in general. She doesn’t freak out about water she knows is going to touch her, but surprise water still gets to her. Puddles, rain, and any splashes.

Once the pot is filled up, Johanna is out of the shower. She is dressed in a tank top and sweatpants. She looks so pretty.

“All filled up, what is the next step chef?” I asked my voice almost back to normal. I still felt slightly fuzzy in my head.

“You are gonna chop up some broccoli, and I am going to make the base and rice.” She said she was always good at delegating work.

With that, she’s pulling goods out of the pantry and fridge, and I am getting the knife and cutting block. By the time I get the large block of wood, I am pretty sure Johanna made it. If I was being honest, using a knife made me nervous still. I would start to shake and think back to my game.

I stood there staring at the board that had broccoli sitting on it, the knife in my hand. I didn’t mean to space out at this scene. I must have stood there too long, not moving. I felt a hand wrap around mine, as I hold the knife. My head whipped around only to see Johanna’s pity-filled smile.

“It’s just broccoli,” Johanna said, it was blunt. It was meant to be soothing though, it worked better on me than it would on others. Johanna did the leg work of cutting up on veggies while I just leaned back into her sturdy frame.

Johanna was always overly gentle with me, even when she was rough on me it did not compare to the roughness she had towards others. When she had flashbacks or breaks, she never hurt me. She would scream and cry, trying to get me away, but would never hurt me. When we first moved back to district 7, she would rarely shower due to her fear of it, however, I slowly got her to shower. I would stand in the way of the water and she would let the mist that bounced off me hit her. It took a while but she eventually got to a point where she was comfortable showering alone.

“You know you can tell me what your head doctor said to you right?” Johanna asked, before following it up, “Or I could call her and have her tell me…”

“I feel like that would be breaking a rule,” I giggled at her. We placed the knife down as we finished cutting the vegetables.

“Then tell me, little bird,” Johanna said, as she poked at my sides. I felt my face go red and my eyes water a bit.

“You will make fun of me, and then leave me here alone,” I reply looking down at my hands.

“Now, does that sound like something I would do?” She asked as she dumped the vegetables into the soup and left it to simmer. “What if I told you something that my head doctor told me to do that I don’t like?”

I stood there, ‘would I trade a secret for a secret?’. I nod as I pull myself onto the counter to sit.

“My doctor says it's important that I start connecting with more people and try to connect on a different level…” Johanna all but groaned out.

“Like date someone?” I squeak back.

“I suppose, something about taking care of someone I connect with and care about… blah blah blah. Like I pay attention to that.” Johanna huffed, her eyes bearing into mine as to say she wanted to say more, to be vulnerable but wasn’t able to form the words.

“Do you not want to ever have that? Someone that loves you as you love them?” I ask quickly, I was never good at hiding my feelings. I always had an affection for her, although I tried to break it. As Johanna would always refuse to love another person after what happened to her.

“I…” She starts and trails off as she stares into my doe eyes. She bit the inside of my cheeks as her eyes flicker to my lips. “Stop trying to stall, tell me what your stupid head doctor said.

I stare at her for a second before reaching my pinky out and asking her if she would still stay with me no matter what. She connected our fingers with a small scuff at my antics. I soon spoke, “So she said before we could deal with the trauma from the games and the umm… you know afterward. I have to address the trauma I have from my childhood…”

“What the f*** does that even mean?” Johanna says, getting angry that the doctor wasn’t just fixing me. I appreciate that she cares this much, but she was being loud and aggressive about it and it startled me.

“She wants me to create a safe childhood for myself…” I am still picking at my nails but I am hyper aware of her shifting next to me.

“What?” She was confused, I could almost hear the cogs turning in her hair.

“She ummm… she wants me to regress…” I finally say, Johanna still didn’t understand but she faked a smile.

“Well, do you think it will fix the screws that are loose?” She asked, it was all she could, she didn’t know anything about it. All I could do was shrug before turning my attention to getting bowls and spoons.

Johanna did not push the topic anymore, at dinner she talked about how the cabin was coming along. She said that I was going to get to decorate it, she would make any furniture I wanted. It was her way of sharing what mattered to her. Her love language

I told her the following day I was going to go into the market to get groceries and asked if there was anything she needed. She said no like always, she always wanted to be the provider. I only smiled and nodded before resuming eating my soup.

The evening was like any other, Johanna and I sat on the couch. She is reading a book about an adventure that takes place far away from here. I sat close to her, writing a grocery list. My head eventually makes its way to her lap. Her hand finds its way to my head, playing with strands, almost petting me. Johanna and I fell asleep like this, I was the first to fall asleep obviously.

This happens a lot, usually when this happens Johanna will either carry me to bed or if she is tired also she will simply wiggle in. She tries to wake up before me so I dont catch her being soft but sometimes I get lucky. I was not lucky that morning, she was gone by the time I woke up. She was most likely in the woods again or perhaps she went to speak with the lady down the street to get a new ax head made.

I did not fret over her whereabouts, she was strong and reliable. I was quick getting ready, I loved days at the market. Now that people are able to enjoy life, the market was light and airy. Kids played and danced, there was always music playing and the shopkeepers were always throwing extra into my bag, as I was a ‘leader’ in the rebellion. I always refused the gifts, I was never a leader, simply a survivor.

Today I stopped by a small flower stand, I always pause to look at them. I could never get myself to buy them, I feel like a capital citizen using money on lavish goods when people could be starving. I am aware the war is over and the likelihood of starvation is low with the new leadership.

I was in the market for about two hours before deciding to walk back to victors village. I took what was considered the long way back, and it only took an additional 5 minutes. However, I enjoyed the extra 5 minutes of birds singing and trees so tall I couldn’t see the top.

When I returned, I opened the door to find Johanna on the couch reading a book. ‘Must have decided to have a short day,’ I think as I drop the groceries in the kitchen before walking over to see how she was. Once I walk back into the living room, I see the title of the book she was reading. I freeze, “Age regression: explanations and tips”. There were other books all similarly themed.

“What are you doing?” I ask nervously. I nibbled on my lip to keep from attempting to remain grounded.

“Reading.” She said dryly, flipping the page. She was obviously enthralled by the book. She had tabs sticking out of it and a pen in her lap.

“You don't have to read that, you can act like nothing is happening!” I meekly reply. I want to cry from embarrassment, how could I be doing this nonchalantly. This is embarrassing.

“Why would I do that? That is stupid.” She didn’t spare a glance away from the book, “Do you need help with the groceries?”

“Umm… No, I can do it. You don’t have to worry about it.” I sputtered out as she finally glanced away from the page she was on, placing a bookmark in it and stood up.

“Too late, you are stuck with my help.” Johanna grunted walking past me to the kitchen.

I follow behind, looking lost. All I could really think of was ‘why?’. Why would Johanna go out of her way to do this for me? Why did it seem she was enjoying my suffering?

“Ohhh, you got the stuff for the meal we had when Katniss visited! It was tasty. When are we making it?” She asked, snapping me out of my mental tirade.

“We can make it whenever, there isn't a specific day I was planning to make it.” I reply, grabbing the bag that held the fruits I bought us.

“Cool, cool. You should read some of the books I got, they are really informative.” She said, watching me like she did during the 75th hunger games. Cautiously, ready to save me from an unseen force.

“Why did you get them?” I ask, staring at the apples I placed in our fridge.

“Well we are gonna be living together for a while so I thought I should at least know a little of what was going on in that head…” Johanna trailed off, an unsureness settling over us.

We let the silence fill the room until she lets out a forced cough. I popped my head up from were I was squatting, still holding the food I meant to put away. She spoke, “So I read that usually regressors have a caregiver, did your doc say anything about getting one?”

I shook my head, not knowing exactly what it was. I did understand she seemed bitter about it. She seemed glad to know I wasn’t planning to get one, she was rather territorial.

“Okay, for now perhaps, I could take on that role? Then my shrink is happy and I know that you are safe.” She suggests.

“Okay, I suppose that’s okay. I don’t know what that means though.” I said.

“I will teach you”

[hey-jac]

Little cousin—

Last month, I turned 37, but today you will not turn 36. A fundamental law of the universe has been broken. Nothing makes sense. I haunt my own home, restless, murmuring Tennyson: “Ah yet, ev’n yet, if this might be: I, falling on his faithful heart, would breathing thro’ his lips impart the life that almost dies in me.”

Apart from my parents, you are the person my heart has loved the longest. You are the quiet and safety we carved out for ourselves in spaces where conflict was the status quo. You are the smiles and laughter that would disappear or take on an edge of artifice when harsh reality intruded. You are the silences of things remembered but rarely spoken.

You are also the voice of defiance that reminds me it is worth it to fight back even when the battle can’t be won.

You told me once, in adulthood, that I was your “happy thought.” You, in turn, have always been mine.

You are lemon Italian ice in the hot sun; you are days spent at the pool, the skating rink, DZ Discovery Zone, Whitewater University, Adventureland. You are the train whistles we listened to from the wrong side of the tracks and the pulse of adrenaline as we rode our bikes away from The Monster Place. You are the joy that comes with discovery & adventure—the purest, most indescribable feeling, and so much harder to find as I age, but every time I do, there is an echo of you there with me.

You are with me, too, whenever I catch the giggles with someone: the strain in my sides and my too-wide grin never fail to bring to mind you & me and our helpless laughter late at night as we tried to fall asleep. Every time we thought it under control, one of us would snicker again, re-igniting the contagion. That sort of giddy, half-hysteric laughter is healing; I am grateful we shared it so often.

I suppose it’s no surprise I miss you, when so many of the best things in life make me think of you.

I miss your smile, your real smile, the one that came so easily when we were alone together. It reached your eyes and brought out your dimples; it was powerful and perfect. I miss your laugh, and the way you said my name. I miss how easy it was between us—how we could coexist without conflict; how we were always cooperative, not competitive. (You are the reason everyone looks at me strangely when I do not want to play PvP.) You were precious and good and fun and kind and I couldn’t have asked for a better or more worthy companion. I wouldn’t trade my childhood with you for anything—and isn’t that saying something?

The last time we spoke, you made one thing clear: you desperately wanted to be loved for who you were, not what you could do for other people. I know you confided this to me because I have only ever loved you for who you are and have never demanded anything. But sweetheart, how could you not understand that there was, in fact, one thing I would have begged you to do for me? How could you not know that in order to be content, I needed you to be alive & breathing somewhere in this world?

You were supposed to outlive me, kid. I thought we had more time. I had lived my life without regrets—too attached to my mistakes to ever consider them as such—but now my cup runneth over: a veritable sea of shame and guilt and utter devastation. I would give anything for more time.

Ten months have passed since your death, yet nearly every night I dream of you. Mostly, I beg you to stay. Recently, I ran to you and held your face in my hands. I said, “If I don’t see you again, I need you to know that I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. It’s you & me and nothing will ever change that.” We were both crying. You clung to my wrists and nodded. You told me, “I know.”

I hope someday to dream of better things. Your happiest memories were of us playing video games together—The Legend of Zelda, Dragon Warrior, Banjo-Kazooie—and I would gladly have those dreams instead. Especially if it meant I could watch those adorable quirks of yours once more: the way you felt compelled to pull your socks up multiple times during every single boss fight (despite my many exclamations of, “Seriously, Beej?!”), and how, once the environments turned 3D, you would be up on your feet, moving about the room as you tried to look around the corners of the game. Even now, I’m smiling as I picture it.

You are the oldest part of my heart, kid. I miss you more than any words could ever say.

— Jac (July 11, 2024)

[therantfairysblog]

The grieving that will never stop

✍️ note: there's a splash of my own experience so writing this is quite a challenge. To those who grieving, i hope the flow of times will slowly heal the wound, even though it will leaving behind the scar, our love one will remain alive in our heart. Sending love ❤️.

Everyday, Mrs Kanroji often praying in front of the altar, give various offering to Gods, as she was always afraid of her daughter's safety.

When Mitsuri telling her that she'll join the corps, she actually, for the first time in her life, didn't allowed her to go. Her Intuition often feel off about her decision but over time-and with her husband's support of her daughter, she finally accepted it.

However, over time, Mitsuri seems to finally started to accept herself as she is, and her wide smile never fade which she as a mother feeling grateful for. She always send them letters, telling her story of saving people, new friends and all.

But, honestly, his mother's heart always feel so heavy with the fact that mitsuri are taking the most dangerous job to herself.

Until her fears turned to reality. The news she received from Urara in the morning of new year broke her soul. Mrs Kanroji fell to her knees, begging to Gods that it was just her bad dream.

She stop going to temple.

It was like that for a while. She blaming herself for not strong enough to stop her from joining. Is this her fault? Is her prayer aren't enough?

Mitsuri was her first born, that her husband and her wait for 4 years. She was born strong enough to carry a big rock in her childhood. She's a great sister to her siblings. Never in her mind, that she'll outliving her own daughter.

The grieving was there all year, that her husband getting so worried of her. When ubayashiki kiriya come to visit, she didn't talk much, her husband did.

"Lady Kanroji was an embodiment of kindness that spreading magic among people around her. Most of the members of the Corp are orphan with unbearable trauma.

When she come, its looked like we could breath a little, full of happiness as if we live a normal life. Lady Kanroji is that person who never judged and she's care of all people around her regardless their status. Her departure is the big loss to us, she's never giving up in her last moment.

Lady Kanroji defeated the evil with her strong will and kindness, it's the highest honor to have your daughter as a part of our Corps in destroying the looming demons that haunted the peoples for thousand years. That's why, we'll do our best to help, until the end."

Ubayashiki Kiriya bow deeply to both of them. "Please don't bow like that Lord Ubayashiki, I'm so glad that she's become a part of the victory. It's may take a while, but I'll try to talk to my wife"

Mrs Kanroji couldn't bear to talk to the leader of the corp. Everytime she see him, she'll cry.

.....

Spring come. Cherry blossoms blooming peacefully in front of her house, added to her wound.

"mother, my hair, does it really that weird?"

"hmm? Why you said so? My daughter is always pretty, and your hair look like a cherry blossom. Aren't that pretty?"

"Really?? I love cherry blossom i love sakura mochi "

Mrs Kanroji picking up some of the petals in her hands. Her tears flowing like a river. Her daughter come and went by just like the flowers. So beautiful but their lives were so short.

"Mitsuri, you must be sad aren't you, how could i let you go, my daughter? My precious child, mother miss you so much"

....

The spring night come, with the nice spring breeze. She dream of her. So beautiful, innocent. The smile across her face, look like a beautiful calestial maiden.

'Mother, i love you so much. Mother I'm so happy and honored to have you as my mother, we will meet again, i promise. Mother I'm so happy here, i think my life is so fulfilling. I don't have any regret'

'mother, please live on. Until we meet again, i want you to smile'

The tears flowing down her cheeks in her sleep. Only God knows how much she miss her.

Perhaps the passage of times will slowly heal her pain, yet her mother's heart will forever be broken.

[storiesbyjes2g]

3.58 Still scared

I appreciated her asking, but the question blindsided me and I hesitated to answer. The issues that still haunted me were mine to work through, and I didn't want to burden her with them. The last thing I wanted to do was make her feel even the slightest bit of regret. But I couldn't lie to her and say everything was fine. No matter what I wanted or how I presented it, this burden would always inevitably end up at her feet. She had always handled me and my hesitations with grace, but I wished she didn't have to handle them at all.

"I'm going to be honest with you," I said, "but I don't want you to take it personally and think you did something wrong, okay?"

"Of course. Okay."

I inhaled deeply and bared my soul.

"Being here with you gives me so much joy. I am where I want to be. These feelings I have for you...I've been trapped inside myself with them for a while. You forced me to reckon with them in a way that both scared me and freed me. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't have concerns."

She nodded slowly, and I feared she still took offense despite my warning.

"You think this is a mistake?" she asked.

"No! Being with you is one of the best decisions I ever made, however scary and unexpected it was. But..."

I had shared many things about my life with Sophia, but I glossed over the painful parts in favor of keeping the mood light and not wanting her to feel sorry for me or whatever women did with men's drama. But I couldn't keep her in the dark forever.

"The thing is," I continued, "My parents are divorced. You know that. What you don't know is how it affected me. I didn't find out why they broke until I was well into my teenage days. I lived nearly my entire childhood wondering what happened and confused about why we couldn't be a family anymore, especially when my parents seemed to get along."

"My mom cheated on my dad for literally no reason. She was in love with another man their entire relationship, even though she said she didn't realize she had feelings for him until right before she cheated. But anyway...I was so devastated by that. Like, I just couldn't picture it. My mom? She was so perfect and magical to me. I just couldn't imagine her hurting my dad like that...hurting me like that..."

"And to be so flippant about it? Who decides to destroy their family like that??"

My face started getting hot, and I couldn't lose my cool, so I took a moment to calm down before continuing my sordid tale.

"Ever since then, bits of information about their relationship and past lives keep coming out here and there, and every time I think it can't get worse, it does. I feel like if this can happen to two people who were very happy and in love, what hope is there for me? I have zero reassurance that I can be happy with someone for the rest of my life."

I took another moment to breathe and reflect on everything I blurted out. If I didn't have Sophia and hadn't committed to being brave, I think my words could have hardened my heart. But I continued.

"My parents started dating, moved in together, and got married within a matter of days. One thing my dad said he would do differently was date longer. We've known each other way longer than my parents did, and even though it feels like we rushed into living together, I know that's not really the case. But I can't deny how familiar this feels. On one hand, I feel like we have a solid foundation and are well on our way to a long, fulfilling life together. But on the other hand, I feel like we're following in my parents' footsteps and are perfectly primed for repeating their mistakes."

"Wow," she said. "You never really told me about their situation. I figured it was just one of those things you didn't like talking about. I had no idea it was that bad."

"Now you understand why it took me so long to ask you out. I wanted to call you so badly immediately after getting home from Mt. Komorebi, but...I just couldn't. This fear paralyzed me. I only recently decided to work toward fighting against it."

"I understand, Luca. Trust me," she said with a little extra something in her voice.

I turned back toward her with my eyebrow raised, but she turned away from me.

"I am all too familiar with what you're going through," she said.

"Yeah?"

She nodded.

"Let's just say...I've been where your dad is..."

The anger that attempted to arise in me earlier returned, and I wanted to know names and addresses. What kind of idiot cheats on a sweet angel like Sophia??

"I'm so sorry. I didn't know."

"Yeah, thanks. I've had a lot of time to get over that, but like you, there are certain things I haven't been able to shake. And also like you, I'm working to grow past them. I asked you to live here because I know you're the man for me, and I am the woman for you. I love you, and I want you around. But...there is a tiny voice inside that tells me I need to keep you close so I can watch out for threats. I ignore it because I trust you, but it doesn't go away completely. So...yeah. I know what you're going through."

I completely missed the last part of what she said because my hearted pounded in my chest so loud I couldn't hear a thing when she admitted she loved me. SHE LOVED ME?!! The weight of her admission pressed down on me, filling me with a mix of exhilaration and terror. I wanted to reach out and hold her, to tell her how I felt and say it back, but the fear held me captive. I could share many things with Sophia with ease, but when it came down to exposing the deepest depths of my heart, I freaked out. The words got stuck in a huge knot in my throat. I swallowed a few times, trying to stuff down the fear that tried to choke me, but it prevailed.

"I...I want to say it back. I'm trying to... In my heart, I know that's what I feel, but..."

I longed for the words she deserved to hear to flow effortlessly from my lips, and it pained me to admit I wasn't ready. It hurt so bad I could feel the pressure of tears building up behind my eyes. But I couldn't cry in front of her. Not over this, especially after everything I'd just confessed to her. But she grabbed my hands and caressed them, giving me hope that one day I'd be okay enough to tell her exactly how valued she was.

"Hey...it's okay, Luca. Don't beat yourself up. I said it because I was ready, not because I wanted to hear you say it back. We don't have to be ready at the same time. I agreed with what you said about us rushing. It was a long time coming, but it was sudden no matter how you look at it. You need time to adjust, which was why I asked the question in the first place. Don't rush the process on account of me. When you're ready, you'll say it."

I don't know what I did to make the Watcher deem me worthy of such a woman, but I was eternally grateful.

"I'm glad you understand. You're a real gem and I..."

I tried to ignore her and force myself to say it, but it still wouldn't come out. Instead, I said, "I care about you deeper than I've ever cared about anyone."

She smiled.

"I will take that and cherish it."

Need to catch up? See what you missed or start reading here!

When I moved in Luca, I checked her relationships, whims, etc. to see what I'd be working with. She had the fear of being cheated on! We're still getting to know her, but what do you think?

[denimbex1986]

'While filming All of Us Strangers in his childhood home outside of London, Andrew Haigh began to see ghosts. “I hadn’t been in that house since I was seven or eight, so it was like going into a haunted house,” he recalled. “It was really, really unusual.”

The writer-director, who sat down with Geek Vibes Nation following the film’s New York premiere, had adapted a 1987 Japanese horror novel into a loosely autobiographical story about a shut-in screenwriter (a devastating, recently Golden Globe-nominated Andrew Scott) who, upon revisiting the home in which he grew up, reencounters the spirits of his long-dead parents (Claire Foy and Jamie Bell). It only made sense, then, for Haigh to have the film reflect his own coming-of-age.

“It felt like the ghosts of my life were in the house telling the story of the film.”

Despite the film being drastically different than its source material, “Strangers” by Taichi Yamada, they’re both effectively ghost stories. However, Haigh’s choice to never apply external logic allows for his ghosts to better serve the lead character.

“There are lots of holes in any ghost story,” he says, chuckling. “‘Are they actually living in the house? Is someone else living in the house? Is he going into the house? Is he not going into the house? Is it all in his mind?’ I think you have to abandon logic to some extent…we are going into [the main character’s] mind, his subconscious. I decided to look at the whole film, really, as a manifestation of his emotional state.”

Through multiple beautifully-penned conversations, Scott’s character comes to terms with his parents’ untimely death as one of the year’s best films unravels its yearning yarn. Read more about Haigh’s process in our full conversation with him below, edited for length and clarity.

This film is based on a Japanese novel, specifically a ghost story. You approached it from a more humanistic place and adapted it very autobiographically and yet, in a strange way, it still feels like a ghost story in the same way as the original novel. What piqued your interest about taking this very surreal novel and placing your own experiences into it?

It’s really interesting when you start thinking about doing a ghost story. The novel is a very traditional ghost story and I liked it for that, but when I was trying to work out how to put myself into the story, I had to ask, “What do ghosts mean to me and what do they mean in British culture?” Because they mean something very different in Japanese culture than they do necessarily in British culture. To me, ghosts felt like what haunts us as adults, what we drag around with us. They’re always there, lurking under the surface, standing behind you in the shadows. I decided that I was going to ground [the movie] much more in a metaphysical space, rather than do it as a more naturalistic story that then ended up having ghosts in it. So much of the adaptation became about trying to navigate that tone and working out if people were going to be frustrated because there’s definitely different rules that you have with ghost stories as a logic, but I ignore that logic at times and then look into it at other times. In the end, I was like, “F**k it. I’m just going to play around with what I think is emotionally interesting and hope that the audience comes along for the ride.”

That makes me think of a very interesting choice that you make in this film. When the main character, played by Andrew Scott, encounters his parents initially, it feels like maybe a time travel thing. In reality, they’re just specters in this home. I was wondering if you could break down that logical paradox you’re talking about, this idea of wanting to have them as ghosts but having them still be very human in the eyes of the main character.

Yeah, that’s the thing. The emotions that we carry around when we lose someone – it doesn’t even have to be through death, it can be for whatever reason, you’re just not with them anymore – all the pain that we carry feels so real. I wanted that to feel as real as possible. I mean, look, logically, there are lots of holes in any ghost story. “Are they actually living in the house? Is someone else living in the house? Is he going into the house? Is he not going into the house? Is it all in his mind?” I think you have to abandon logic to some extent because, of course, it’s not logical. Really, we are going into [the main character’s] mind, his subconscious. I decided to look at the whole film, really, as a manifestation of his emotional state but grounded in a way that makes it seem like his parents are in this house when he opens the door. There they are and, suddenly, he’s going back into the past but it’s not the past. They’re not real but they take on their own lives. It’s not all in his imagination either, because they’re also having conversations without him there, we gather. It excited me that I could go down all these avenues.

I love that this film really breathes. Many of the shots are long and the performances live within silences. Were there any specific touchstones in the visual style of this film that you were specifically thinking about in terms of this tone?

It was a tricky one to get right. I always have a little list of films that are interesting to me at the time, but there was such a mixture of things. I looked at Jacob’s Ladder and Rosemary’s Baby and more traditional genre pieces, and then I had Quiets and Whispers, [Ingmar] Bergman’s film, Black Narcissus, [directed by] Powell and Pressburger, and Leviathan, the Russian film [directed by Andrey Zvyagintsev], all of these other films. Rather than saying, “I want the film to be like these,” it was like, “I want to combine a realism and a naturalism with an otherworldly genre-esque element, what decisions can we make going forward so that it feels real but also not real?” It was hard to find anything that felt exactly like a good reference because we were trying to exist within the gaps of things. In the end, I think the whole team really loved that because we were like “Let’s just treat it as a drama,” essentially, because that’s really what it is.

Yeah, I don’t think anybody watching this film could imagine that it was based on this horror story because you ground it in very personal terms. I heard that you shot parts of this film in your actual childhood home, so I’m sure there was an almost spectral feeling when harnessing your memories there.

Definitely. I hadn’t been in that house since I was seven or eight, so it was like going into a haunted house. It’s weird. You’re going back and you are feeling how you used to feel in an environment that you used to live in. You’re recognizing things that you haven’t thought about in 40 years. I’m even recognizing the feel of things. I would put my hand on the banister and I was like, “Something in me is remembering this banister.” It was really, really unusual. It created this really interesting tone for everybody, for all of the crew. Even the actors were like, “Wait, so this used to be your mum and dad’s bed?” This was my bedroom, this was my wallpaper – we recreated the wallpaper – that was the color of my walls. It felt like the ghosts of my life were in the house telling the story of the film.

We have to talk a little bit about Andrew Scott. Fans of him already know that he’s a marvel of an actor, but I think that this film is introducing the film community to him in a very, very big way. It’s a very difficult character to play because, not to say any spoilers, but he is very much a singular entity in the film. How did you and Andrew hone in on him as this grounded piece of a very ethereal story?

Basically, a lot of conversations. He was the only person we went to for the lead. I had liked him for a long time and was always amazed he hadn’t been a lead in a film.

You and us all!

You know, he’s 46 now! He’s a brilliant actor, so subtle and careful and precise, but then really natural at the same time. It’s a real skill. When I sat down with him, we went through the script and we talked about what the film means to me, but so much of it felt like it was his life too. It was so joyous because he was like, “You’ve written a script about me.” That’s what I want from a script, because it’s not just about me. I want it to be about lots of people, regardless of their actual experience. He really responded to it and then we talked a lot about navigating between being an adult and being a child, which I think is the hardest thing that he does [in this film] and he does it beautifully. When he comes back to see his parents again, physically he looks the same but somehow he feels younger. He even looks younger. He feels more innocent and he’s desperate for them to love him and there’s all of these things going on. Then, it changes again when he goes back into the present tense, let’s call it, of the story. I think he does such a good job allowing his vulnerability to come out. It’s a very vulnerable performance, it’s exposing. It’s all of the things that are not easy for an actor to get to, but he just threw himself in.

I have to ask you about “The Power of Love,” which is a beautiful song featured significantly in the film. I’m sure it has a significance to you based on your history, but I’m wondering if there’s a significance to it that goes beyond merely being a period touchstone.

It had an emotional resonance because when I was a kid – this is the middle of the 80s – I used to love that song. I was 10 years old and I couldn’t quite work out why I loved it. When I look back at it grown up, I now understand why I loved it. It’s a big, orchestral, powerful pop song and I feel like, for young people, pop songs become a way to express their inner selves. They themselves can’t express their longing or what they want from the world at that age. In the end, this is a film about love. It is a film about the complications of love, both parental and romantic, how they are linked together, how you can find love, lose love, find it again, and lose it again. We’re all going to end up having lost love in our lives. We’re all going to lose our parents. Lots of us might lose our partners. That’s what happens in life, but the importance of love is the key. When I got to the end of the film, I was like, “You know what? Let’s make it go crazy. Let’s just go wild with it and be big and operatic.” I think it’s almost speaking to my old childhood sense saying. “Do you know what? It is possible. When you grow up, you are actually going to find love.” For me, it was about that.

What’s next for you? Are you looking to find another horror film to personalize, or are we going in another direction?

[both laugh] I’ve got a couple of projects all at a similar level that could happen next year. There’s always so many reasons why you do or do not do something – availability, money, all of those things. I’m hoping something will fall into place. But also, now that this film is being embraced, the next film will be in conversation with this one. So, I have to be sure that what’s next makes sense. That doesn’t mean going bigger or smaller or anything. It just means that it will have a relationship with what’s come before. I’m just trying to work out what the right decision is.'

[mio-nika]

I promised @turquoisewaves07 podcast recommendations

So let's get going. I will not obviously include every podcast I ever listened, only the ones that I really like and sometimes relisten.

1. Knifepoint horror.

Possibly my favourite podcast ever. It's the series of stories written and narrated by a guy called Soren Narnia. They are not usually connected and would sound similar to oneshots of MAG (almost every story starts as "my name is..." just like the "statement of..."). They usually very weird in nature, and it's really hard to explain why I like them so much. I usually recommend starting from "school".

2. Limetown.

Oh, the classic story about "every living person disappeared from this small unassuming town in the middle of the night".

It's like. One of the most famous ones in my list? They even had show adaption?? I never saw it, even tho every time I listen to it I think " fuck, it was really made with visuals in mind". Especially the last scenes.

3. The White Vault.

If it still snowing where you are it's a great one. Small expedition goes to a remote arctic station to fix things. Bad things happen. Interesting that almost the entire crew (both characters and actors) are bilingual and it plays big part in the story. Well, except one character. The Canadian-russian guy played by Peter Lewis. But I like him so I'm not even THAT mad.

4. Mabel.

Hi, so do you like LESBIANS? Mabel is really hard to recommend, because it made almost like a theatrical play where characters are talking in verses. It's a story about fae, lesbians, haunted buildings and women emancipation? It's extremely good. You will want to write lines over all of your walls, on your hands, on your heart.

5. The Big Loop.

It's the second podcast in the list, that is basically one guy writing not connected stories. He's name is Paul Bae and he more famous as one of the authors of "The Black Tapes". He left after the first season and he's probably the ONLY reason why first season is good. I highly recommend starting from "The Surrogate" if you like horror and "F.M.L." if you into hopefull dark comedy.

6. Alice isn't Dead

Do you remember how good were early podcasts writtend by a WTNV staff? I think we starting to forget. It's another "do you like lesbians" story, but its actually so much more. I cried real fuckin tears in a bus after the last episode, not from sadness, but from overwhelming hope for humans.

7. Death by Dying.

I've already recommended it in another post. But if you liked WTNV you need to listen to Death by Dying. It's a series of obituaries from a small weird town written by a guy who are very very VERY weird. He talks to a Angel of Death, he adopts cannibalistic cats and writes his abituaties more like personal stories of stupidity.

8. Small Town Horror.

This one usually gets overlooked, probably because of the very generic name, but for me it's really a hidden gem. Traumatized guy are trying to put together things that happened to him in his childhood and why he's so fucked up. If you really want to read story written by an unreliable narrator, this one is for you.

9. Within the Wires.

I already sang my praises about how good was the early podcasts written by a WTNV, but I will repeat it here. THEY WERE REALLY GOOD. It has a very different styles of storytelling from season to season. The first one is told through a series of mindfullness recordings. The second one is an art lections. Every season happens in the same universe and expands the over-arching story.

10. Spines.

I was thinking that to put as a last one and mostly torn beetween Spines and Girl in Space, but I'm a horror visual girl, so I choose Spines. Our heroine wakes up with no memory in the bath full of blood with a cultist-looking people and a probably other cult victims around her. Slowly she learns that she really is and in that horrying reality she was born.

[royal-ruin]

genshin: diluc and kaeya (romantic) fic recs

other genshin fic recs here genshin fic recs by pairing here personal favorites are starred, by the way. everything is complete unless stated otherwise.

Across a Lifetime by Prettyflower34

~6k

Diluc remembers his life as Arundolyn. Kaeya doesn’t remember his life as Rostam.

When his father brings a boy about his age inside the manor to get warm, Diluc’s soul settles. I’ve been waiting for you. Welcome back, it says softly. A flicker of a memory crosses his mind. Two knights, a toast, a death. Diluc stares at the boy with the guarded gaze and thinks to himself: I’ll protect you this time.

kaeya and diluc are reincarnations of rostam and arundolyn, respectively.

Best Laid Plans by moolktea

~5k, series is ~30k

As predicted, the problem of Kaeya’s absence begins to concern Diluc at exactly midnight, when Amber bursts through the doors of the Angel’s Share with something of a barely concealed desperation.

“I’m not here for drinks–it’s Kaeya!”

When isn’t it, really. - Kaeya gets himself into a situation. Diluc, however grudgingly, drags him out.

first part of the series  For Those Who Favor Fire by moolktea

Snowdrops by Sumirei (~8k)

Kaeya stared in horror at the single white petal clinging delicately to his palm.

Life was good, he thought as a gripping dread seized him, but it appeared he didn’t have much of it left to live.

hanahaki au

The Language of Flowers by Jules (Penwyn) (~4k)

Kaeya Alberich has made a habit of lying—after all, the only truths he’s ever spoken cost him everything—but there are only so many lies a man can tell before the truth comes spilling out.

*Between Heaven and Earth by xiaokaeluc (xtxiao) (~2k; Warning: MCD)

Even if our tongues had been cut out, even if our eyes has been poisoned with blood, even if we had been deaf to all the world; still, we would have known that his soul and mine were the same.

Once upon a time; before there was Diluc and Kaeya, there was Arundolyn and Rostam.

!Reincarnation Kaeluc fic.

this is an absolute must-read

make me complete once again by dandelionpetals (~25k)

[“I need you to turn down that million-dollar client.”

Jean inhales sharply. “And why on earth would I do that?”

“Because. . .” Kaeya starts, pulling one of his usual charming smiles and hoping it will work at least to soften the blow, “I promised the CEO I would never show my face in front of him again.”]

in which Kaeya's past comes back to haunt him in the form of his childhood friend-turned-stranger hiring his firm to develop his company's website.

modern au, childhood friends to strangers to lovers.

of battle scars and love marks by dandelionpetals (~10k)

[“Tell them the truth,” Diluc cuts in, tightening the grip of his coat around him. He turns around and begins walking away, but, when he speaks next, it is still loud enough for Kaeya to hear it: “There’s no point in lying. It’s not going to change anything.”]

in which Diluc burns Kaeya during a fight, creates an uproar of mistaken rumors and learns what it feels like to be consumed with guilt.

this is pre-relationship and the burning seems accidental so i don’t think it counts as domestic violence, but beware regardless.

4 Times Cavalry Captain Kaeya Breaks The Darknight Hero Out of Jail, and 1 Time Diluc Breaks Kaeya Out of Jail by kcckt (~5k)

Diluc had always been one to go with the most straightforward method. Kaeya had always liked twists and turns in his. But sometimes, the road to reconciliation requires both.

Or, alternatively, how Diluc and Kaeya reconciled through a series of jail breaks because they can't use words like normal people.

*a thousand eyes on us by morphasia (~17k)

Diluc, heir to the Ragnvindr line in the kingdom of Mond, has never believed in the advances of the hundreds of suitors that dance in his castle's ballroom. Worn thin by the constant attentions of those after his status, he never expected to find himself being the one chasing desperately after the attentions of the Prince of a lost nation, even if it lands him in the worst position possible:

Fake courting said prince, who offered him a relief from the attentions of his suitors until he can bear them again.

*No Way Out by SkySpider for nan (~11k)

["...I don't understand you sometimes." The words slipped out before Kaeya had a chance to filter them. Diluc seemed to find them amusing, allowing a tired laugh to escape.

"And I never understood you at all," Diluc whispered — and that, Kaeya supposed, he had no right to deny.]

Diluc and Kaeya find themselves trapped in a domain after a cave-in, with only each other to rely on. This can't end well.

bad liar by kae_karo (~4k)

[“You’re hopeless,” Rosaria says as soon as Diluc is out of earshot - barely, and the words send a flash of panic through Kaeya’s veins. But Diluc doesn’t react, and Kaeya leans back in his seat just enough to cast her a quick glance.

“I’m not sure what you mean."]

Kaeya finds it far easier to avoid the truth - nobody can hurt him if he keeps his distance. But Diluc sees through his lies, no matter how much Kaeya wishes otherwise.

Not Really Strangers by aeternita (~14k)

It is a shock for Diluc to find out he's been married to Kaeya all these years, when they've hardly even talked. But it's just a mistake in the papers that he will easily fix with no consequences at all. Right?

if you’ve gone through my roswell nm fic recs, you know that these secret/mistaken marriage fics do something to my brain.

*A vase broken by osamuchuu (~10k)

[Kaeya felt hands against his collar, and his vision cleared just enough for him to see the sparking intensity in Diluc’s eyes— the madness. He shifted, grabbing at Kaeya’s hair to examine his face better. A thumb glanced against his eyepatch, creating an ache that made Kaeya flinch. Diluc’s hands were fever-hot, his head tilted. “How do I know you?”]

In which Diluc falls to the abyss, and Kaeya scoops him up afterwards.

super hurt / comfort and angst with a very messed up diluc.

blazing heat by honeywhisk (~2k)

[“Stay away.” Diluc said. “This is my duty.”

Traveler covered his eyes with his hand and let out a heavy sigh, his shoulders drooping. Kaeya couldn’t blame him. He wasn’t surprised, after so many years of knowing Diluc like the palm of his own hand, but he knew it was still frustrating for someone that didn’t know how stubborn he got when he was feeling under the weather.

“Sure, sure,” Kaeya said, drawing his sword and calling his vision. Water started to pool at his feet as soon as his ice came into contact with the flames dancing around them. “Listen, while Traveler might be too polite to dare disrespect your decisions on your birthday, I am not. Move aside, Diluc.”]

[empire-system]

It feels like we just can’t win sometimes.

As a system, we have alters of many different ages, we have some babies at 3-4 years old, some older kids/pre teens, a couple of teenagers, some adults. And it just…no matter what age the person fronting is, it sucks.

The toddlers and kids can’t talk to people their own age and enjoy childhood innocence because the body is too old and has been subject to horrendous amounts of trauma. It doesn’t matter how many sippy cups of warm milk they drink, my little pony and bluey colourings they do, or nights of being all cosied up in a pile of pillows, plushies and blankets they have, they’ll always be haunted by the sick actions of other people and will never get to experience being a child the way they should.

The teens have to sit and watch as everyone around us stops being our age and starts growing up- going to prom, graduating, getting their first jobs, moving out on their own, but we’re just stuck here because we’re not physically capable of that. We can’t leave the house without having a panic attack, let alone go to school and do everything everyone else is doing. It’s not even about having a place in society or anything, it’s about being able to say ‘I did that. I experienced that.’ It royally sucks knowing that you can’t do something that everyone else is doing and is so excited about.

And the adults have to live as a teenager. They can’t work the jobs they loved so much, they have no authority that they’re used to, they have to deal with irrational mood swings they don’t know how to deal with anymore, and they’re constantly bored. Most of the adults in the system are either scientists or high ranking military officials. Now they’re a teenager stuck in the same two bedroom apartment all day every day, and the only real company we have is a cat.

Some days it just feels like we have nothing and no one. This isn’t the sort of thing we can bring up to our friends because they all just say we’re lucky to get to not do anything all day. But we don’t want to not do anything all day, we want to be capable of doing things. We want to be a biologist, or a chemist, or an astronomer, or an astronaut, or a mechanic, or a dog groomer, or an artist, but we just physically can’t for so many reasons and man it is depressing as hell.

All I can do is try to lose myself in playing Pokémon and watching Brooklyn nine nine. God forbid I lose interest in one or both of those things, cos at that point, I’m really screwed.

[joeytribbiani18]

Tomorrow (marauders fic)

I had an urge to write an angsty marauders fic, so here it is.

Summary: Sirius visits the Potters while they're hiding from Voldemort and makes a promise to see them again tomorrow

Word count: 895

Not proof read, I literally started writing it before midnight

James Potter x Lily Potter, Sirius Black, Harry Potter, Remus Lupin (mentioned), Lord Voldemort (mentioned)

“He’s getting bigger every time I see him. It’s kinda scary. You won’t even have time to blink and he’ll be reaching his thirties and getting drunk on the weekends.”

Lily and James laughed, their eyes trained on the little boy in between them. Harry, because the attention was on him, was currently playing with his toys, paying no mind to Sirius’ burst of melancholy. He babbled something unintelligible that made the trio’s hearts swoon even more.

“How did we deserve you?” said James, nuzzling his nose into Harry’s puffy cheek. The boy giggled under the affection of his father, and his mother hugged him from his other side.

“You guys are the best people I know. You sure as hell deserved this.”

“Thank you, Sirius,” Lily smiled at him, squeezing Harry’s palm. James grinned in appreciation for his friend’s words. He was still very insecure in his new role as a father, still making mistakes, still not being the perfect dad he wanted to be, still haunted by his teenage years and some things he did that definitely didn’t make him look like a good person. He had changed since he was fifteen years old, he matured and put all grudges behind him, but it still tormented him, knowing what he was capable of even as a kid. Any word of comfort, any reassurance that he wasn’t that person, that he was in fact good, meant the world to him. He wanted nothing more than to create the best life for Lily and Harry. 

“You seem really happy,” Sirius noted, looking at the Potters engaging in Harry’s play. “Even with all this shit happening outside.”

“Language, Sirius,” Lily scolded him, but her lips curled slightly, making her less threatening than she wished to appear. “Well, it’s not the perfect scenario, but we’re trying. We want Harry to have the best childhood, and how much better can it be than having both parents at home all the time.”

Sirius’s eyes bored into his hands, not being able to hold Lily’s gaze. It hurt him that he couldn’t do anything to relieve their pain, their fear, anything to change the prophecy or to keep Voldemort away. He did everything in his power, with other members of the Order, but it wasn’t enough. Becoming their Secret Keeper and hiding wasn’t enough. And he couldn’t stand it. He couldn’t stand being so helpless.

“Sirius, it’s okay, really,” Lily chimed in, seeing Sirius’s change in demeanor, “It’s not your fault. We’re scared, of course, but we won’t let it rule our lives. We’re still here, right? That has to mean something.”

Sirius met her eyes, only then noticing how teary his own became, “I’m just so scared for you guys. I wish I could do something.”

“You can’t, Pads,” James smiled sadly, “And that’s okay. You’re doing more than we could’ve asked for, risking your life for us.”

“Are you kidding me? I would jump into the fire for you all.”

“It’s a kind gesture, but I don’t think it will be necessary,” James chuckled, “Seriously, it’s okay. We won’t let him win, right? Our guys are succeeding with each day, it will be over soon. And until then, we’ll stay here. We’ll be alright.”

Sirius nodded, although he wasn’t really convinced. He wouldn’t admit it, though, so he forced a smile, and centered his attention back on Harry, who was now trying to match shapes into their cut-outs. 

“You’re doing so well, little guy,” he ruffled his curly, unruly hair, something he was still doing with James. He stayed at the Potters playing with Harry, drinking tea, and reminiscing about the past with his best friends until the evening when he had to go back into his hiding place.

“Remember about tomorrow!” James shouted over Harry’s small head leaning on his shoulder, while Sirius was putting on his coat.

“How could I forget Halloween at the Potters?” he responded teasingly, “It’s like a national holiday.”

“I’m so ready to see your costume,” Lily added, leaning on James’s other shoulder, “Just please, don’t dress up as David Bowie again.”

“No, that’ll be Moony,” Sirius smiled, one of his hands on the doorknob. He looked at his friends, so young, yet so tired with everything that dawned on them. And they were still so happy, like there wasn’t a war happening outside their doorstep. They were in their little bubble of happiness, and Sirius felt as if he might cry. They deserved that kind of love they had for each other and their son the most. Sirius really meant it: he had never met people with kindest hearts that their own. They deserved the world, and yet they had almost everything taken away from them. And they were still happy.

Sirius took a mental picture of this moment, of Lily and James holding their son, smothering him with their love, a perfect image of a perfect family. He wanted it to last forever, because he didn’t know how many forevers they had left. 

“Okay, I have to go now. Bye, little menace,” Sirius said, waving at Harry. 

“Bye, uncle Pads,” James responded, waving back to Sirius with Harry’s little hand, “See you tomorrow.”

“Yeah… tomorrow.”

He stepped outside and apparated to his hideout, glancing at the Potters’ house one last time. 

It is safe to say that tomorrow never came. 

You can also read it on AO3:

I'm so sorry

[evelhak]

Old art #21: Four Colours

I love talking about this old project. We drew this exchange impro comic with the childhood friend my last repostober post was about, when we were 12-16. We sent the pages to each other with our letters, and that was our way of continuing to do art together after I moved away from my birth town.

Basically, it's our version of W.i.t.c.h. and Winx club type of magical girl stories. Except... we really didn't give a crap about the magic part of the story. We drew so much about the characters' ordinary life that it's hilarious how every once in a while it's like a side note... "Oh yeah, I guess we should do something about our magical mission, huh. Anyway, I'm really stressed about the math test tomorrow." Lol. I guess in that sense it resembles h2o more than it does those other series? They're mostly just living life. Except they don't really get into funny incidents because of their magical secret. It's really mostly just school, friendships, family, dating, for some reason a singing contest two of the characters win and become famous (LOL exactly what 12-year-olds would come up with), with some resemblance of a plot sometimes.

Yes, the comic's name was really just "Four Colours" and yes, the characters were colour-coded and their colour was in their name. They had colour related powers and with absolutely ridiculously over-dramatic names, like, seriously, I can't even say them, even now that I'm mostly endeared by the stuff I wrote as I kid. (My dear KnB's got nothing on these 12-year-olds. It was that bad.)

The magic plot was basically that there was this random village somewhere(?), where people were dying because of some magical disease and these four girls were chosen to climb a magical mountain and unite their colours at the top of it, and that's how the village would be saved. Sounds completely ridiculous, but when I think about it, I guess it's not completely uncreative from kids that age. (But the chosen ones sure let the village suffer for a long time.)

Obviously, as we grew, we just ditched the most ridiculous stuff, and some parts of the end of the story when we were 15-16 aren't completely horrible.

The story was full of generic and unexplained villains, weird anatomy, for some reason it always started raining and someone pointed it out for no reason, there was a character who was a real dramatic romanticised curse magnet, another whose breakup with a guy she'd only known for a few months haunted her for more than half of the 500-page story, another who was co-dependent on the dramatic curse magnet and made everything about her, and the one who both me and my friend had apparently decided was the least interesting character because she did practically nothing.

But these are the stories that make you grow into a writer, you know? And I still love these characters. I have plans to rewrite their story in a completely different way that brings out those interesting personalities that had to suffer from this horrible story.

And like I said, some of it is not that bad, and is interesting to me. Like, there's this character who sees everything magical that happens to them through a religious lens, and that is neither confirmed nor debunked at any point in the story, and none of the others ever argue about it with her even though they clearly don't see it that way, they never even say anything like "oh well, that's her", because that's just so her, that no one has to even mention it. It's just her way of seeing the world, and she never really pushes it onto others either. I like that. And there are some fairly interesting psychological consequences some characters suffer from because of their powers, which is something I always want to see in stories, and also is pretty clear unintentional exploration of neurodiversity from me when I didn't know anything about it. Some powers are also clear unintentional explorations of trauma.

I also experienced some of the first insane flow states with this story. One time I stayed up all night and drew 40 pages in that one sitting.

Anyway, this is just another story that will never leave me and probably explains part of my taste for writing about the everyday lives of extraordinary people.

[libertyreads]

May TBR--

Thanks to my newly minted library card, this is not all of my TBR for the month of May. Just the books I currently physically own. I’m so excited for the reads for the month of May. I get to start my Murderbot Diaries reread and I get to check out some books that have caught my eye but not held enough interest for me to actually go out and purchase them for myself.

1. Daisy Darker by Alice Feeney (Library)-- This is a Murder Mystery set on an isolated island. Daisy Darker’s family has never been what one would call functional. After years of avoiding each other, the family is assembling for Nana’s 80th birthday at the crumbling gothic house on a tiny tidal island. When the tide comes in, they’ll be cut off from the rest of the world for eight hours. Each family member arrives while harboring secrets and then at the stroke of midnight, as a storm rages, Nana is found dead. And an hour later the next family member follows. This is a retelling of sorts of the Agatha Christie story ‘And Then There Were None.’

2. Rookie Move by Sarina Bowen (Library)-- Leo Trevi has spent the last six years trying to do two things: get over the girl who broke his heart and succeed in the NHL. But, on the first day he’s called up to the show, Leo gets checked on both sides. First, by the team’s coach who has a grudge; second, by the team’s sexy, icy publicist--his former girlfriend Georgia Worthington.

3. Greenglass House by Kate Milford (Library)-- This one seems to be a Middle Grade Mystery/Fantasy novel about a place called Greenglass House. It’s a creaky smuggler’s inn that’s always quiet during the wintertime. While Milo, the innkeepers’ adopted son, planned on relaxing during his holidays, things get thrown off course by the ring of the guest bell. It rings again and again. Soon, Milo’s home is bursting with odd and secretive guests who each bring a strange story that’s connected to the old house.

4. Demon in the Wood by Leigh Bardugo (Library)-- This one seems to be a graphic novel version of the Darkling’s history and backstory. I think it’s the only Grishaverse thing I have yet to read. I was never interested in buying it so I’m glad I finally have my library card and can read it for free.

5. Neverworld Wake by Marisha Pessl (Kindle)-- This is a YA Mystery following a group of friends a year after the death of their friend Jim. His girlfriend Beatrice has questions she wants answered and their meeting again gives her that chance. And then a mysterious man knocks on the door and announces the impossible: time for them has become stuck, snagged on a splinter that can only be removed if the former friends make the harshest of decisions.

6. A Study in Drowning by Ava Reid (NetGalley)-- A Fantastical Dark Academia novel that looks like it will be everything fans of Dark Academia could ever want. Since childhood, Effy Sayre has been haunted by visions of the Fairy King. She’s found solace only in the pages of Angharad--author Emrys Myrddin’s beloved epic about a mortal girl who falls in love with the Fairy King and then destroys him. Effy’s tattered copy is all that keeps her afloat through her stifling first term at Llyr’s prestigious architecture college. So when Myddin’s family announces a contest to design the late author’s house, Effy feels certain this is her destiny. 

7. The Marriage Act by John Marrs (New Release)-- From the author who brought us the insanity that was The One, comes a new Mystery/Thriller. What if marriage was the law? Dare you disobey? In near-future Britain, a right-wing government believes it has the answer to society’s ills--the Sanctity of Marriage Act, which actively encourages marriage and punishes those who choose to remain single. But four couples are about to discover just how impossible relationships can be when the government is monitoring every aspect of our personal lives and will use every tool in its arsenal to ensure everyone will love, honor, and obey.

8. All Systems Red by Martha Wells-- I’m finally starting my reread of The Murderbot Diaries! I cannot explain my excitement. I’ll just quote the GR synopsis since there’s so much I could just burst forth with already. “In a corporate-dominated space-faring future, planetary missions must be approved and supplied by the Company. For their own safety, exploratory teams are accompanied by Company-supplied security androids. But in a society where contracts are awarded to the lowest bidder, safety isn’t a primary concern. On a distant planet, a team of scientists is conduction surface tests, shadowed by their Company supplied ‘droid--a self-away SecUnit that has hacked its own governor module and refers to itself as ‘Murderbot.’ Scornful of humans, Murderbot wants to be left alone long enough to figure out who it is, but when a neighboring mission goes dark, it’s up to the scientists and Murderbot to get to the truth.”

9. The Beauty and the Beast (Minalima edition) by Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve-- I’m so excited to read this interactive, illustrated version of the original story. The epic love story follows a beautiful young girl imprisoned in the magical castle of a monstrous beast.

10. The American Roommate Experiment by Elena Armas-- This is a standalone romance novel that is set after The Spanish Love Deception. But I’ve been reassured that I don’t need to read that one first. In this novel, we follow aspiring romance author Rosie Graham whose life is a little up in the air following her quitting her well paying job. But through a misunderstanding Rosie and Lucas both end up staying at her friend Lina’s apartment. They end up trying to break Rosie’s writer’s block in some unexpected ways.

[rxtualistic]

i'm almost caught with replies so here are a list of plots i would absolutely die to write out!

Hill House - group of stranded siblings reunite in their childhood home after some weird and traumatic thing happened. if we do want to add romantic pairings to this we could either throw in their partners or make it a former foster home/orphanage.

Romcoms!! bonus points if it's based on leap year or the princess diaries 2.

A plot inspired by Anastasia the movie - maybe set in modern times?? maybe set in the past?? in the future?? the possibilities are endless.

One of those plots where we each just pick a muse (or maybe make one if we are feeling daring) and use a randomized to pick a scenario and action and just throw them there without doing any plotting at all.

Similar but different. We each pick or make a new muse and don't tell the other any details. the difference is that we have two threads going on simultaneously. one set when our muses are 20/30 and the other a good twenty years in the future. we explore how life has changed them and get to see it in direct because in one thread they are still young and innocent and in the other life has gotten to them.

threesomes, polyships. especially if it's an established couple opening to a third member. or two friends who rather than fight over their shared crush decide to join forces in seducing them. maybe the cliché i'm helping you get this person but opps i fell for you along the way??? only i like them too.

anything with friends to ...??? best friends who slept together and now it's awkward and the friendship might be ruined and it's breaking both their hearts. best friends who have always been in love but both consider the other too good for them. friends turned strangers that reconnect and wait is there a spark?? unrequired crushes!!! classic friends to lovers. friends with benefits that act as a married couple but then one of them calls it quits because they got themselves a s/o.

apocalypse aus. two vastly different people thrown together into an unlikely scenario and having to work together. rivals/enemies having to put their differences aside and team up to survive. i tried to kill you in the past but you're the only person who can help me get to x and the future of mankind depends on it. we used to be friends but you left me behind to die and look who is here now... etc.

supernatural plots!!! anything and everything but especially something like the first seasons of supernatural with our muses saving people and hunting monsters. which leads to creature/creature hunter. i want more vampires. i want witches. i want muses who can speak to the dead and go around solving mysteries thanks to them.

horror plots!! with our muses being the bad guys. with our muses being haunted. with our muses chased by serial killers. anything!

something with submissive boys ?? not necessarily just in the bedroom. maybe they live to serve their partner. they are soft and gentle and nurturing. i want to explore the whole thing.

coworkers!!! with!!! tension!!! maybe everyone knows they are made for each other but them. maybe they truly can't stand each other but might have imagined how it would be to shove the other against the wall and furiously make out with them. maybe they are sleeping with each other but play pretend at work... maybe it's a super soft slow burn!!!

single parents!! single dad x single dad, single mom x single mom, single dad x neglected married park mom/dad, single dad x teacher, single dad x coworker. single dad and single dad/mom whose kids are best friends and spend all their time together getting often mistaken by strangers for a family. exes who now are single parents reuniting!!

MATTELEKTRA INSPIRED PLOT. WITH THE ANGST AND TRAGEDY AND ALL.