#how do i know this? last march 2023 they went to my university and i was one of the photographers and videographers-

[thewhizzyhead]

yo so there is this Philippine girl pop group called BINI and they've been growing in popularity on twitter not just because of their genuinely impressive vocals and performances, but because of them being one of, if not, the most unhinged OPM stars to ever exist. They are also going viral for being among seemingly the gayest group of Filipino pop girls to ever exist. Both unhingedness and gayness have been at display with surprising genuineness like I'm not kidding those two descriptors seem very much so real so go check them out-

[lalal-99]

of timeless love {h.j.} | track 1

©March 2023, February 2024 by lalal-99

Han Jisung x afab!reader | trope: slice of life, coming of age | word count: 2.6k

Synopsis: You and your annoyingly adorable boyfriend Jisung move off to university, to make new friends, find a calling and learn how to live on your own for the very first time in your lives.

Check Chapter Overview for complete list of warnings

Note: I first thought of this story about a year and a half ago. I didn't feel ready at the time, but as I got better over the years, I picked this story up again. Updates might be slow, so bear with me please

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Please don't flag as mature or repost this story - Thank You!

You, 6 years ago, wouldn’t have bought this romantic af, straight out of a fairy-tale storyline.

You going to University? With the love of your life? Like the picture-perfect couple, smiles glued to your face? Nuh-uh. Not you. Not in this lifetime and most likely not in the next dozen—if you ever were so unlucky.

Family, love, college. All of it was bullshit. Temporary.

Nothing good ever lasted. If anything, a dark twist was already lurking around the next corner at any given moment. You couldn’t imagine a dimension in which you were ever happy. Let alone content.

Your 14-year-old emo self would never grow out of the jet-black hair. Or the countless piercings decorating your face. Or those cole-coloured ripped skinny jeans you wore like a second skin. So much you knew. Past-you only ever wanted to gloom through life in a hazy blur. Depressed about My Chemical Romance breaking up and all the other hardships life had already put you through.

That girl would have despised who you had become. Hair grown back to its natural colour. Wearing shirts without some underground metal band’s logo printed on the front. That girl would have likely made fun of you for even thinking about grades. And your future? If you ever had one, your 14-year-old self knew it would include nothing but darkness and despair.

Every teenager around you went through that phase, though you were sure it was more than that. A phase. A short and survivable part of your story. You fully and whole-heartedly believed nothing would ever change about your attitude towards life. It couldn’t, not after everything that had happened.

Overcoming that horrible chapter of your life seemed unimaginable. That you even got the chance to reach out and grab your future by its horns only had one reason. One person who was to become the most meaningful part of your life. Of the same future, he was the reason you even considered having.

Han Jisung.

A boy of innocence and noisy introversion. A boy who, despite having lived through similar trauma as yourself, had a will for life toxic enough to capture you. A boy who you became sure was the closest thing to a soulmate you would ever find.

No one could have prepared you for how hard you’d fall for Jisung. You loved him at his best, worst, and everything between. And you had fallen in love with him despite his lousy sense of humour and silly persona. Or maybe, you had fallen for him because of it. Because he had a similar story to yours but an opposite look at it.

Your 14-year-old, always-depressed, doom-certain-self could have never imagined being with someone like him. Let alone being head-over.heels. All while doing what? Watching him do something so mediocre and none-life changing as buying toothbrushes?

“I don’t know. Which ones do you think?”

Jisung presented you two indistinguishable packs of toothbrushes, waking you from your daydream. Thus, the blurriness faded and your eyes focused on the tiny words on each cover.

“These,” you decided on the left option. “Those bristles are too hard for your gums.”

“Oh, we definitely can’t have that.” With a dramatically disgusted expression, he returned the wrong set to its place on the shelf. “I want to keep at least��some of my teeth.”

“Thankfully,” you agreed with a snicker. His words cracked you up more than they should have.

No doubt, your 14-year-old self would have hated yourself six years later.

“Okay. What else is on that magic list of yours?”

“Microwave popcorn and some instant ramen. And we should get some notebooks and highlighters for tomorrow. That’s it.” You listed the remaining articles off the slip of paper while crossing out the products you had retrieved from the hygiene section. “Should we split up?”

“Nah. That’s how they die in horror movies. And I’m not going out in the food court of a 7/11.”

“Fair. How about the Back-to-School aisle then?”

Jisung pondered his reply as he wandered past toothpaste and mouthwash. “Too many pens for people to draw penises on my face. The cleaning section, however? That’s a whole other conversation.”

“How come?”

“Well, there’s bleach and mops already. Also, buckets. So they can simply wheel my corpse away.”

As you walked by the pasta and other canned foods, you picked up a tray of ramen each. For convenience, if anything. Had it not been for the thinness of your wallet, you would have gone for fresher produce. So much for independent living.

With an intensive focus on your absurd conversation—Jisung listing places he would most likely die in if he were a character in a horror movie—you didn’t notice a tray of stacked goods blocking the path. It wasn’t until you bumped your shin on the square-edged tower that you finally took notice.

As a wave of pain swallowed your leg, you left out a shriek. “Gosh freakin’ dang it!”

“You good, baby?” His concern was genuine, though he couldn’t help smiling at your desperate attempt not to swear. “Let me see.”

Jisung kneeled in front of you, noticing a reddening wound once he had dragged the jean fabric up your leg.

“Just a bruise.”

“Easy for you to say. You’re not the one feeling like your skin is being dragged off your flesh.”

“No. But I can make it better.”

He rose to his feet, arms hugging your frame as he picked you up without any effort. You giggled as he heaved you into the cart, careful not to squish the food.

“What are you doing?”

“No girlfriend of mine should have to walk when she’s in pain,” Jisung explained, helping you get settled. Pushing the crushable goods out of the way, you sat on the cans. Not the most comfortable seating, but it worked, nevertheless.

“Damn, those other girls are lu-cky.”

Jisung was pleased at how casually you had joined in on his joke. A smile formed on his lips as he pushed you along the shelves of seasonal produce.

You soon reached the Back-to-School aisle. There you took your sweet time deciding on notebook formats and highlighter colours. It kept surprising you how much fun it was to go grocery shopping when done with the right people. Everything was about 50 percent less boring because of Jisung. Jisung and his ability to find something ridiculous in anything and everything.

After you had made some other critical decisions—like which folders would make organising the year easiest, the ones with dogs or flowers in front—you finished up your school-supply-run.

When you reached the cash register, you noticed the strange looks the other customers gave you. Two young adults strolling through a supermarket, pushing each other in grocery carts? Definitely side-eye-worthy.

Maybe you would have cared more had you not been so enticed by Jisung’s mindless humming of Can’t Take My Eyes Off You.

“What?” Jisung questioned your glances as he started unloading the items from the cart.

“Nothing.” You joined him, unloading all the trays of food you had picked minutes earlier. “This feels weird. Going grocery shopping together. Feels grown-up somehow.”

“We go grocery shopping once a week,” he declared with a thoughtful pout.

“But that’s different.”

After you had emptied out your purchase, he wheeled you further down the band. The woman behind the cash register seemed equally interested in you as all the customers. Soon enough, she continued doing her job.

“You mean because we didn’t have to pay for it ourselves?” He held his hand to his heart as if heartbroken. “I miss your dad, too. Always so kind, paying for all our stuff.”

You chuckled at his playful sincerity.

“No, idiot.” As Jisung reloaded the cart, you payed for this week’s necessities. “Because we’re grocery shopping on our own, living off at uni. We have officially moved out of our home, living in the big city. It’s— new. That’s it.”

As soon as you had reached the exit, you picked reached for the strawberries, unable to abstain any longer. Strolling towards his car, you handed one over to your boyfriend while sucking on your own. Like the gentleman he was, Jisung helped you jump from the car and you packed everything into the trunk.

Once you had placed the cart back by the others, you finally headed home. Or rather, the dorm room you would be living in for the next four years.

You weren’t at that point of calling it your home yet.

A comfortable silence surrounded you throughout your drive. It remained while you stacked away your half of the food back at your place and lasted until you finished. This sort of silence wasn’t uncommon these many years into your relationship—you hardly noticed it anymore.

“Man, all this talk about horror movies makes me want to watch one.” That you hadn’t mentioned this topic for over 30 minutes seemed irrelevant.

“But you’re horrible with horror movies,” you pointed out.

“Not when you’re there to protect me.”

An hour later you were sprawled out on your bed, the last sweet strawberry long gone.

With your legs entangled, Jisung’s face rested on your chest as you massaged his scalp. After minutes of fruitless discussion, Spiderman was now webbing his way through your laptop screen. In the end, it really didn’t matter what movie was playing. It never did as long as you were with each other.

Not even 20 minutes into the movie, Jisung had fallen asleep on top of you. His faint snoring was now mere background noise as you followed the plot, ehich wasn’t as simple as it sounded. Your energy was more than drained from running around all day.

Only three days ago, you had still been back home. Packing for your upcoming move to a new city, two hours from every place you had grown up in. The one thing keeping you calm throughout the stress was your sweetheart-boyfriend. To no one’s surprise. He was the only person able to keep you sane when all you wanted was to scream and cry. Had you not had him by your side, you would have drowned in all the noise your brain usually produced.

His ability to calm your nerves when you needed him to—know when to make you laugh or when to distract you from your everyday stresses—surprised you to this day. You couldn’t begin to explain how you had been lucky enough to find someone like him. Someone you loved as much as you had seen your parents do when you were younger. Let alone how he loved you the same way, almost self-destructively so.

Your 14-year-old self would have called bs. But that girl was someone else—you, but in another lifetime. You but pre-Jisung.

When the door to your room rushed open, it pulled you from your quiet slumber. You had turned off the lights earlier to set the mood but still knew the intruder was your roommate. Besides you two, only Jisung knew the code to your dorm—a decision you had previously discussed with your new roomie, of course. Seeing as he was knocked out on top of you, you could cross him off your list of possible visitors at 8 pm on a Monday.

Adapting her eyes to the darkness, she checked her surroundings before tiptoeing into the room. The light remained off as she expected you to be asleep.

“Hey,” you greeted the dark-haired beauty, making her jump in surprise at the sudden noise.

“Fu—God! You scared me.” With one hand over her heart, your roomie calmed herself from your unexpected jump-scare. Once her heart rate had settled, she slipped out of her heels and left them by the end of her bed. “Is he asleep?”

“Yeah,” you confirmed, letting your finger run along his jaw to check. He didn’t move, so you knew he was most likely out for the night. “Long night?”

She gagged with an eye roll, pulling her jeans off her legs and exchanging them for grey sweatpants. “Don’t get me started. I haven’t even started writing my thesis, and it’s already kicking my ass.”

You watched her as she also changed out of her dress shirt and into an off-the-shoulder crop top. She slipped into a pair of sneakers while making her way to her dresser where she sprayed herself in a cloud of perfume.

“You’re leaving again?”

“Yup. I spent so much time at the library today, I apparently neglected,” she air-quoted with an eye roll, “my girlfriend. At least that’s what she said.”

“The things we do to keep our loved ones happy.”

“Exactly.” Unleashing her long curls from a tight ponytail, she ran her fingers through them for a few seconds. Her beach-waves veiled her face, so she pushed them behind her ears to instead frame her near-perfect features. “Anyway, I’m staying at hers tonight, so don’t wait up for me.”

“Okay,” you agreed with a yawn, your roommate replying with a deep chuckle.

The past few days, you had mainly spent in your new room, settling in and getting ready for the start of the semester. You liked planning ahead, knowing your life was organised to a T, so you could focus on the important stuff. Your studies, and your boyfriend.

Your roommate seemed to have most of the same priorities. She had gone out every night since you moved in, be it to study at the library or spend some time with her better half. However she managed to squeeze in all the partying? You had no clue. You could only hope some of her togetherness rubbed off on you. But then again, never judge a book.

“I’m going to take you out one of these days. You are not going to be sitting inside all year. Not on my watch.”

Spending the first two days inside, you must have looked like the biggest couch potato ever.

“Sounds good.”

As she waltzed towards the door, you grabbed her attention one last time. The hallway lights blinded you with their brightness, framing her curves in a halo.

“Oh, and Hwasa?” She turned to face you, looking like she had jumped straight off a Vogue cover. How she did that without trying was a mystery to you. “Can you not tell Wheein he’s sleeping over? I wouldn’t want my first warning on the third day already.”

“Babe, as long as you’re my roommate, my dorm-supervisor-girlfriend won’t dare write you up. Just don’t set anything on fire, and you’re solid.”

With that, she waved goodbye, leaving you and your boyfriend alone. Well, apart from the ever-so-handsome Tom Holland, who somehow made full-body suits look like a reasonable choice of clothing.

Not soon after, your eyes fell close, sending you off into a deep rest.

Next Chapter >>>

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[epitomereally]

Celestial Navigation by @sabrecmc

18 year old Omega!Tony finds himself Bonded to Captain Steve Rogers. He isn't happy about it until he is.

An absolutely gorgeous story of learning to love yourself, even when you feel like you don't fit in & that you grew up wrong. I'm so happy to have gotten to bind this mammoth work for Sabre & as a gift exchange for @mourningmountainsbindery (who bound me this beautiful copy of Astolat's Let the River Run—JUST LOOK AT THAT COVER!).

Also to anyone who has @ed me lately (looking at u, em @powerful-owl & tacky @tackytigerfic particularly) & I've been derelict in responding, here is WHY.

This has been the longest binding project I've undertaken, both in page count and in time. My original message to Sabre was on March 16th—can't decide if I want to use the laughing or crying emoji here—and the colophon says I made the book in April 2023 (which was when I started typesetting, maybe). I had been randomly perusing dying videos on Youtube in bed on a Saturday morning, as one does, and came across a video showing how to spiral tie-dye. I IMMEDIATELY had a design premonition of the full design for this fic as a two-volume set, planted into my brain wholesale by the binding gods. I learned many new techniques throughout the process (edge painting, edge trimming/sanding, tie-dying/dyepainting, embroidery, typesetting meta from tumblr which copy-pastes with the worst goddamn formatting in the world, kill me now). Overall, alternately extremely painful & wonderful, and I'm extremely proud of this set.

Design-wise, I went whole-hog with the scifi stars theme. Endpapers are recolored versions of the star charts from the Apollo 11 mission:

Title page & chapter titles are both rips in the galaxy:

Epigraphs both star-themed:

Some more glamor shots because I'm so proud 💕

8.6 lbs // 3.8 kgs worth of books (~3000 total pages) 🥰

Celestial Navigation is also INCREDIBLY popular, and Sabre has been incredibly generous answering asks on her tumblr + writing additional one-shots in the universe. There is also a veritable volume of fanart. I was so inspired by seeing @robins-egg-bindery copy of ********, with its appendix of fanart & meta, that I promptly copied them.

fanart redacted because lots of the artists are no longer active on tumblr but just know i am ECSTATIC about the amount of art in these books

Lastly, I love how @clovenhoofbindery includes their 'Illustrator mess' with their bind posts, as a behind-the-scenes look into the wild process of designing these books. I don't actually have an Illustrator mess for this book (the chapter titles & title page pretty much came in one take), but I do have a DYING MESS. It took me sososo many tries to figure out how to get the dye to look how I imagined in my head. I ended up 'dye painting' instead of tie-dying in the end, but my inbox is always open to chat hand-dying/tie-dying/dyepainting (or what I did differently between any of these attempts). Numbers are the dying attempt.

Last process shot: I hand-dyed variegated linen thread to match the colors of the bind, which ends up being incredibly difficult to see on the finished bind, but was super fun while I was sewing!

Materials:

Body font: Kepler

Title font: Compaq 1982

Chapter number font: aliens & cows

Endpapers: recolored versions of the star chart used by Michael Collins during the Apollo 11 mission (archived at The Smithsonian)

Bookcloth: dyed using Dharma Trading Procion Fiber-Reactive Dyes

Title page and chapter headers: designed in Photoshop using the Ultimate Space brush pack by jeffrettalyn on DeviantArt

Metallic embroidery thread: Cosmo Nishikiito thread

I would dye for this embroidery thread. It is LIGHT YEARS better than the classic metallic embroidery thread from DMC: much easier to work with & much more sparkly. Literally so eye-catching; it truly doesn't translate to photos.

Paint for edges: Daniel Smith watercolor tubes in Iridescent Sunstone and Prussian Blue

Note: these are GORGEOUS watercolors. The color is so saturated and strong and beautiful BUT I don't think I'd recommend watercolors for edge painting. They went on very differently depending on the grit of the sandpaper I used for the edges + they sometimes bled into the pages + they had to be set with fixative, which then stuck the pages together.

[goldenseresinretriever]

You Catch More Bees With Honey: Chapter 11

Pairing: Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw x Reader

Part of the San Diego Dogfighters universe

Summary: Bradley Bradshaw, blindsided by a team he trusted like family has been traded to the San Diego Dogfighters. Across the country from the place he calls home, Bradley feels lost and betrayed. Not to mention the familiar faces and ghosts from his past that he now has to face every day at work. Bradley’s caught between wanting to show his former team the mistake they made in double-crossing him and wondering if it’s time to hang up his skates after one final season. You’re living your dream as the PR representative for the Dogfighters. When Coach Maverick made a bid to bring his godson to the team, you hadn’t batted an eye. Bradley was a good teammate, and a good player. Unfortunately, the Bradley that shows up in San Diego is nothing like your research suggested. He’s moody, irritable, aggressive, and angry, throwing a wrench in all your careful planning. What’s caused such a drastic change in him? And can you figure out how to help him before he makes a mistake you can’t fix?

Series CW: 18+ ONLY, swearing, dead parents, drunkenness, alcohol consumption, violence, sports violence, blood probably, angst, fluff, eventual smut, age gap (28 and 38), enemies to lovers, suggestive language, hockey inaccuracies etc. There will be individual chapter warnings. No use of Y/N.

Word Count: 4.9k

A/N: This is a repost of my completed series, You Catch More Bees With Honey. It was originally posted in November-March 2023, and was lost when my blog was deleted.

Previous Chapter // Series Masterlist // Next Chapter

Bradley frowns in the mirror. He glances at his phone and frowns again. If he keeps this up he’s going to be late. The truth of the matter is that he doesn’t want to go. It’s Friday. It’s been a week since getting back from D.C. and it feels like it’s been a million years. He’d gotten used to it, waking up with you in his arms every morning. Every night this past week he’s had to stop himself from asking you to come over. He’d put the ball in your court, though. You’d asked him to pump the brakes so he had, and he’d promised to respect that.

On top of that, he hadn’t seen much of you this week. The two of you have been busy working nonstop since getting home early Friday morning. You’d both headed home half-asleep from the airport before having to be back first thing Saturday for a game versus Vancouver. The most time alone you’d gotten together was that Saturday morning when you’d called him into your office to sign the official paperwork that would make your relationship officially disclosed to the rest of the team. He smiles as he remembers your soft smile, shy as you signed your name next to his. He’d been sorely tempted to take you right then and there on your desk but he knew that was strictly off-limits and questionably unprofessional at best. He’d settled with a simple kiss to your cheek that had your skin heating under his lips in a way that he loves so much.

Saturday’s game was followed by two more home games on Tuesday and Thursday with Carolina and New Jersey respectively. It definitely didn’t help that yesterday’s game had been nationally broadcast which meant you’d been absolutely slammed with work and preparations all week. He also knows you went out last night with Mickey and some of his former New Jersey teammates.

It didn’t make missing you any easier. He doesn’t have time to call you but he does it anyway, putting the phone on speaker as he fixes his hair. It’s been too long since he’s gotten you all to himself and he’s feeling selfish tonight. You pick up on the third ring, your bright voice echoing around the empty bathroom as he smiles to himself, his mood already lifting. “Hi Bradley, what can I do for you?” He chuckles.

“What? I can’t call my girlfriend without wanting something from her?” It’s new, this label you’ve put on things. Actually, neither of you has yet to actually use the label but he likes the way it sounds in his mouth. He hears your breath hitch and he knows he’s caught you by surprise. Suddenly he’s wondering if he’s overstepped when your voice fills the room yet again.

“Your girlfriend?” Your voice is tentative and he wishes you were here so he could wrap you in his arms and chase away all your doubts with his lips.

“I know I didn’t sign an official form to be the guy you occasionally kiss and take spontaneous road trips with, Honey.” He hears you giggle and his smile tugs wider.

“Plus I guess it would be pretty awkward if you introduced me to your parents and I wasn’t your girlfriend.”

“Nah, I would have introduced you anyway. They would have loved you.” He says and sighs deeply as he looks into the mirror again. He doesn’t want to go to this dinner. He wants to invite you over and have your laugh bounce off the walls for real. He wants your warmth to fill every room of the apartment. He wants to sit you on the kitchen island while he cooks for the two of you and then he wants you to spend the night in his bed so your scent will be glued to his sheets until the next time he can coax you there.

“Any fun plans tonight, Bear?” Your sweet voice breaks through his thoughts and his lips twitch at the new nickname.

“Bear?” He hears you giggle again and smiles.

“Yeah, because you’re big and scary when you want to be but you’re also a secret cuddler and give the best hugs.” He can imagine the way your cheeks are heating as you continue to rain compliments on him. “And bears like honey.” You add matter-of-factly. This bear happens to love honey but he knows better than to mention that right now. “So? Any fun plans tonight?” He groans then as he’s reminded that if he doesn’t leave soon he’s going to be late.

“Dinner at Mav’s.” He doesn’t have to say anything for you to know exactly how excited he is for that.

“And how are you feeling about that?” You ask tentatively and he sighs.

“Honestly, Honey? It’s the last place I want to be right now. I’d much rather be having dinner with you.” He can’t help the admission as he lets it slip.

“That makes two of us.” Suddenly he really REALLY doesn’t want to go. “But that being said, I’ve had a migraine and hangover all day after last night.” You let out your own groan and a fond but concerned smile touches Bradley’s lips. He wants nothing more than to wrap you up and spoil you rotten. He can tell you’re exhausted and he wants to be one to take care of you.

“Get some rest, Honey, you’ve had a long week.” You groan again and Bradley hears paper rustling. His brows furrow as you confirm his suspicions.

“I’d love to but I’ve got a literal mountain of paperwork that needs to get done before I can leave. And then I have to go grocery shopping because there’s literally nothing in my fridge.” You let out a frustrated whine and Bradley’s about five seconds away from texting Maverick to cancel so that he can bring you here and dote on you. Unfortunately, his mother’s voice in his head takes that exact moment to remind him that Penny’s making dinner and while Maverick certainly doesn’t deserve his respect, she does.

“Tell you what, Honey.” He hears you hum in response. “Finish up your work and come over. I’ll give Tony my spare key and tell him to let you in. Order some pizza and get comfortable and I’ll be back before you know it.”

You’re silent for a long moment before you ask. “Bear?”

“Yes, Honey?”

“Do you have a tub?” He blinks, surprised by the question as he turns around and looks at the free-standing porcelain tub behind him.

“I do.” He hears some rustling from your end before you ask.

“Can I have a bubble bath?” His laugh echoes off the walls of the bathroom at your simple request.

“Honey, you can have whatever you want.” He replies and he’s surprised to find that he truly means it. He’d lasso the moon for you if you asked and he’s not even sure what you’d want it for in the first place. He hears your squeal of delight on the other end of the call and smiles as he imagines you here, in his space, the thing he’s been dreaming of all week. “Honey, I hate to cut things short, but I need to start heading over to Mav’s. I’ll see you after?”

“No problem, see you soon, Bear!” Your voice is much more cheery than he feels but he can feel your infectious attitude raising his mood. He hears the line disconnect and lets out a heavy sigh.

The promise of you waiting here when he gets back is what drives him to finish getting ready. He makes sure to give Tony the spare key and doesn’t miss the look the older man gives him when he tells him to expect the young woman from last week. His cheeks are still pink when he pulls out of the parking garage.

***

When Bradley finally sees the house he can’t help the disgusted sneer that pulls his lips. The house is huge, to say the least. He knows he shouldn’t be surprised, given Mav’s long and highly decorated career, but all he can think about is the house he grew up in. How the lawn was almost always overgrown while his mother was alive and the paint was almost always peeling off the sides no matter how much he tried to help with the upkeep when he had the time. Mr. Peterson from next door had helped out more often than not but Bradley remembers the feeling of the calluses on his mother’s hands when he held them, first as a small child and then later at the cusp of adulthood as she’d laid in the hospital near the end. It wasn’t that he didn’t believe in his mother working, but he knew deep down that that wasn’t the life that she or his father had imagined for her when they got married.

Carole Bradshaw was Nick’s Princess, his Queen. He wanted to give everything in the world to her on a silver platter. And he’d been on the road to doing so. He’d made it all the way to the NHL, and he got to play on the regular roster. Things were looking up. Carole could focus on raising their son instead of struggling to make ends meet, filling the kitchen table with her delicious cooking instead of piles of bills that needed paying. It would have broken his heart to see how her life turned out.

They weren’t poor, not by any means. Bradley knew that as much as he knew that it was mostly due to the person whose driveway he was currently pulling into. Maverick had been nothing but generous when it came to money, but there were simply some things that money couldn’t buy and he didn’t seem to understand that from the limited conversations Bradley had had with him.

Bradley thinks back to Dare’s little bungalow that he’d visited barely a week ago. She’d coached the Pittsburgh Penguins to five Stanley Cup wins and yet she isn’t living in this state of excess. What disgusts him the most is that she should be. All of this should be hers too.

He tries to get his temper under control as he strolls up the walkway to the double doors. He hears barking coming from inside and when he rings the doorbell he does his best to smile back at Penny Benjamin. Penny Benjamin is a confusing situation for him. He knows that none of this is her fault, Mav abandoning his entire past and everyone involved in it, but it’s hard not to blame her when she’s here, living in Maverick’s McMansion with her pseudo-husband and dog. He leans down to scratch the ears of the elderly Labrador. “Bradley, glad you could join us, come on in.” He follows her inside, down hallways lined with photographs from over the years of Maverick, Penny, and a little girl who ranges in age across the various photos. “That’s my daughter, Amelia,” Penny explains when she catches him watching.

“Yours?” He asks before clarifying. “Just yours, I mean?” He can feel his cheeks heating as his mother’s voice chides him for asking such an inappropriate question.

She doesn’t seem ruffled, nodding. “Just mine, from my ex-husband. She’s probably around your age, she was barely a few months old when I met Maverick. He may not be her birth father but he’s the only one she’s ever known.” Bradley hates the bitterness that pools in his stomach at her words. The jealousy that he could have been the child in the pictures on the wall, doted on by his godfather who should have stepped into the role left vacant by the death of his father.

He’s doing his best to reign in his emotions as they reach the dining room, but it all goes to hell the moment he realizes he’s not the only guest at this dinner. Seated across from Maverick is none other than Dare. Bradley has to fight to keep his hands from curling into fists at his sides because the woman at the dining table is nothing like the one he’s seen before. Usually Dare is the picture of confidence without looking cocky. She knows what she’s doing and she’s not afraid to show it. She reminds him of you and the kind of woman that he’s sure you’ll grow up to be. Now that confidence is gone and Bradley’s fighting the urge to throttle the man that he’s sure is responsible. She looks unsure of herself and as uncomfortable as he feels to be here if not more. He immediately moves to take the seat next to her, keeping his eyes off Maverick as he does his best to assess for damage. He knows it’s probably nothing that he can see but he wants to because all he sees is his mother after a long day of carrying a burden that’s not hers to carry anymore. He can’t count the number of times he’s seen that face and it breaks his heart to see it now, on the face of someone who shouldn’t have to suffer but who is anyway. All because one self-centered fool can’t be bothered to get his head out of his ass.

Maybe he does it out of protectiveness, but maybe he does it out of pure spite, but he does it anyway. He wraps his arms around the older woman, the way she had done for him in her kitchen while he fell apart in his arms. He knows it’s nothing in the grand scheme of things, but he intends to make up for the sins of his godfather if he can. Be there for the person who was there for his mother, for him even if he hadn’t been able to fully appreciate it at the time. The way her body tenses under him at first is the only evidence of her surprise at the gesture but she reciprocates the hug and Bradley finds himself engulfed in a scent that stirs in his memory. He can’t draw a concrete image from it but he knows he’s smelt it before like these hugs aren’t something new just something forgotten. When Bradley finally breaks the hug to sit next to Dare, Maverick is looking at them, surprised.

“I didn’t realize the two of you were close.” He says awkwardly. Bradley knows he shouldn’t do it but there’s something so satisfying about seeing Maverick as uncomfortable as he and Dare are so he pushes.

“She’s my godmother, why wouldn’t we be?” Sure this thing with Dare was new but that didn’t negate the fact that she’d been around his whole life. And sure he was stretching the truth a little, but measured on a scale of Maverick’s involvement in his life? Dare was winning the godparent race by a landslide. Maverick’s eyebrows raise with surprise, and Bradley watches the confusion swirl in his eyes. He’s fighting the urge to smirk as he feels fingers brush his own and he laces them. His throat is rough as he feels the callouses on her palm and he wonders at how much her hand reminds him of his mother’s, the soft wrinkles on the back contrasted by the rough patches on the front.

Penny breaks the tension as he comes back into the dining room from the kitchen. “Bradley, can I get you something to drink?” He tears his eyes away from Maverick and stares at Penny for a beat too long before he mutters that water would be fine.

“So, why am I here?” Bradley asks once Penny has retreated to the kitchen.

“Dinner, I thought I told you,” Maverick starts before Bradley shakes his head.

“Not here at your house, here in San Diego.”

“Bradley, why don’t we wait until later to discuss-“

“No, we’re doing this now because I need to know.” He’s tired of dancing around the question that’s been plaguing him for almost six months now. Sure, he didn’t exactly regret the move now, but he wasn’t ready to just move on like nothing happened. “Not only did you uproot me from the team I’ve played for my entire career, but you made me leave my friends and my home. I deserve an actual answer as to why. And don’t you dare say you did it for me because if it was for me, you would have picked up the phone to ask me first instead of going behind my back.” In the back of his mind, he’s proud of how level he’s managed to keep his voice but at least part of that is due to Dare’s hand in his, squeezing tight in solidarity and grounding him.

Maverick shrugs like it’s a no-brainer. “I had the chance to work with you, so I took it. I thought it would be a good experience for us.”

Bradley feels all the fight drain out of him. All the pain that’s been caused and Maverick treats it like it’s nothing. Because to him it is. “What did you think? That I’d come to San Diego and suddenly I’d be ready to come over and drink beers and sing Kumbayah? What have I ever done to suggest that I would be interested in a relationship with you at all, professional OR personal?”

“Bradley, I’m your godfather-“

“BULLSHIT.” Bradley’s voice is raised finally as his emotion gets the best of him. “You may think you’re a god but you are certainly not my father. My father is dead, my DAD is dead, and you had every opportunity to step up and be there when I needed you. When my mom needed you. When WE needed you, but you didn’t.” He’s breathing hard. “That’s the thing that you just don’t seem to get. You don’t get to decide when I need you. You don’t get to be my godfather when it’s convenient for you and you’ve run out of hobbies to pass the time. I have a life! I have goals! None of which involve you. You don’t get access to my life just because of some title my dad thought you were worthy of. Because that’s just a word, you have to earn it.” Dare’s grip on Bradley’s hand is bordering on painful at this point but it feels good. It reminds him that he’s capable of feeling. The physical pain complements the emotional pain that’s threatening to tear the heart from his chest. He’s breathing hard and every part of him wants to leave right now. Except that he doesn’t want to leave Dare here. And he feels terrible about ruining Penny's perfectly good dinner. When it’s clear that Maverick isn’t about to argue any of the points that Bradley’s just made he stands and walks into the kitchen to cool off.

Penny’s filling a glass with water and passes it to him wordlessly and he drinks it, hoping to cool his head. “Sorry to ruin your dinner.” He says awkwardly as he fiddles with the glass. She shakes her head and takes the glass back from him, refilling it as she considers her words.

“You’re hurting Bradley, I would hate for something as simple as a dinner to cause you more pain.” He nods silently.

“My mom would be so disappointed with me right now.” He’s not sure why he admits it but it’s all he can think of as he looks around the kitchen at the plates of sides and cooling casserole dish on the counter.

“Really? Because if I was her I’d be proud of you.” He looks back at Penny, eyes wide with surprise. “You stood up to Pete, and told him your real feelings. You were honest with him even if it hurt you to do it. I don’t think that’s anything to be ashamed of. That’s brave.” She reaches up then and cups his cheek gently, a fond smile on her face. “I’m sorry that I didn’t push him more, to be a part of your life, to be there for you and your mom. I was selfish and I never meant for you to get hurt by that.” Bradley shakes his head.

“You were probably scared that he’d leave you too. It seems like that’s all he’s good for.”

“I was scared then, yes. And now I know that I shouldn’t have been because that’s not Pete, not really. He’s a complicated man and doesn’t always have the best judgment but he’s good under it all, I can tell you that much. It’s completely fair of you to not want him to be a part of your life, but if you ever decide otherwise? We’ll be waiting for you.” Bradley swallows hard, unable to look her in the eye. “Can I pack some dinner up for you, sweetie?”

He nods absentmindedly before adding. “Can you pack some for Dare too, I don’t want to leave her here.” Penny just nods and sets about getting out some Tupperware.

“I don’t blame you.” Bradley blurts out before he loses his nerve. “Just because I’m mad at Maverick doesn’t mean I’m mad at you. We choose who we love, we don’t choose who loves us.” She gives him a soft smile.

“That’s a good insight, Bradley.”

“It’s what my mom used to tell me.” He shrugs even as he feels the tears pressing against the backs of his eyes. Penny finishes boxing up two dinners and Bradley takes the two plastic bags from her as they go back into the dining room. “Aunt Dare, are you ready to go?” The words, although new, feel familiar in his mouth like a warm hug. She looks at him surprised and then her eyes fall on the bags in his hand and then shift to Penny who just smiles.

“We can reschedule for another day.” Dare nods and a silent conversation occurs between the two women as she stands and follows Bradley to the front door. Penny sees them out. Maverick still hasn’t gotten up from the table.

Once the front door closes behind them, Bradley and Dare walk to their cars in silence until they get to them. “Do you have any plans for the evening?” Bradley asks, tentatively. He knows you’re probably still at work since he’s barely spent thirty minutes here. He also knows you’d want him to do this instead of worrying about you. Dare shakes her head, still quiet, considering him. “What do you say we take dinner to your place?” She smiles gently and then wraps her arms around Bradley. He relaxes into her embrace.

“Thank you, Bradley,” she whispers into his hair and his heart clenches at the thickness of her voice. “Dinner sounds lovely.” She says as she lets him go. “I’ll meet you there.”

They get into their cars and Bradley follows Dare back to her place. He frowns to himself when he sees the overgrown yard. She lets them in and he excuses himself to the bathroom while she dishes up Penny’s food. When he gets back, he’s just about to sit down at the kitchen table when a shout from Dare in the kitchen makes him freeze.

“Maverick, get off the counter RIGHT NOW!” He whips around, expecting to see a man but instead, a burst of orange fuzz speeds out of the kitchen in a blur. Bradley follows the blur as it perches on the arm of the sofa, regarding him with yellow eyes. The orange cat is more fur than cat and looks fairly old despite how spry it clearly is. “Maverick Mitchell the Third, you know better to get on the kitchen counter.” Dare comes out of the kitchen, an unamused scowl on her face as she sets her hands on her hips and glares at the cat. “Can’t you see we have a guest?” The cat, Maverick, turns to regard Bradley curiously. “Bradley, that’s Maverick.” She says to Bradley, her scowl melting into a look of fondness. Bradley gives the cat a half-hearted wave, still recovering from the shock of the cat sharing a name with his godfather.

“He wasn’t here last time.” Bradley blurts out lamely and she chuckles, bringing out two plates.

“He was locked in my room. I didn’t know if you were a cat person and I didn’t want to appear too much like a crazy old cat lady.” Bradley smiles at that.

“You’re not old.” He points out.

“But still a crazy cat lady noted.” She smiles back and Bradley laughs, putting his hands up in mock surrender.

“Your words, not mine.” They laugh together and the tension from earlier seems to seep out of both their bodies. “So, you named your cat Maverick?” He says as they dig into the food. It’s delicious and he makes a note to mention it to Penny the next time he sees her. Dare nods thoughtfully.

“Pete was always just Pete to me. I hated that nickname, so I never used it. Then when I got the cat to fill the void it just felt right.”

“Maverick the Third?” He asks around a bite of chicken casserole.

She shrugs. “I’m old after all.” There’s a lull in conversation as they east before Dare speaks up again. “Thank you, Bradley, for what you did today.”

“I meant every word of it. I know you’re upset that you weren’t around more when I was younger but you’re here now and I want you in my life if you want to be.”

She smiles and he can see the shine of tears in her eyes as she says “I’d like that very much.” He scoots his chair closer and reaches his hand out to hold hers. The sight of her wedding ring still on her finger makes his heart ache subtly. He can’t right every wrong that she’s suffered, but he can do his best.

“Aunt Dare, do you have a lawnmower?”

***

A few hours later Bradley’s riding the elevator back up to his apartment, reeking of dried sweat and freshly cut grass. It's the last he could do but he’d felt the conviction to get it done tonight. Admittedly it had been a while since he’d cut grass but he figured it looked alright when he finished. The sun has long since sunk beneath the horizon and he hopes you haven’t been waiting for him too long. The idea of feeling you in his arms propels him out of the elevator and through the door. He could really use one of your hugs after the evening he’s had.

“Honey?” He calls out for you as he enters the apartment, but he’s met with silence. A glance by the door tells him that you’re here since your sneakers are lined up neatly. He walks down the hall. “Mom, I’m home.” He calls out the photo as he passes by, more preoccupied with finding you. A glance at the living room tells him that you’ve been there. A blanket is rumpled on the couch where you were clearly wrapped in it and a pizza box lies abandoned on the kitchen counter but there’s still no sign of you. He doubles back and checks the guest room first but it’s pristine. Remembering your request for a bubble bath, Bradley heads into the master bathroom and while the room is still sticky with humid warmth and the tub contains remnants of said bubble bath, you’re still yet to be found. He heads back to the living room and tries the balcony. He knows from your last visit that you enjoy the view. He walks the entire length of the wrap-around balcony but it’s empty.

He’s genuinely starting to worry for your safety when his eyes fall on the glass door leading into his bedroom from the balcony. Not even a week ago you stood where he does now, blatantly ogling him as he got changed for game night. Now it provides the answer to his quest. You’re curled up in his bed, facing the window. The lights are still on but by the steady rise and fall of your chest, he can tell you’re asleep. He lets out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding as he heads back inside, coming into his bedroom from the hallway. You’re indeed asleep, on the side of the bed you favored in D.C. As much as he wants to talk to you about the events of the evening he can’t bear to wake you when you look so peaceful. Stress doesn’t mar your features as you sleep and he begrudgingly trudges to the bathroom to shower before slipping in beside you. He knows he should wake you up, and give you the option to go home but he’s feeling selfish tonight so when he comes back to the bedroom to still find you sleeping soundly he turns out the lights and slides into the bed beside you. He’s resigned himself to staying on his side of the bed when you scoot your body up against his. He reaches for you instinctively, pulling you close and when you curl against him all is right in the world.

“Goodnight, Bear.” Your half-asleep voice murmurs as you drift between dreams.

“Goodnight, Honey.” He whispers back, pressing a soft kiss to the top of your head as he lets the warmth of your body and the steady beat of your heart lull him to sleep.

[darlingillustrations]

I feel like I should be panicking more. My rent is due in one week, my landlord isn't friendly, and I have no one to ask for help. And yet? I have an eerie sense of calm about it.

I know the calm that happens when you are not actually calm but panicking and your body is helping you survive. This isn't that kind of fake calm. I am sleeping at night. I'm not snaping at my kids. I am *at peace.*

(Read more for musings about the economy, my spiritual mindset in the midst of it all, and some Mary Oliver poetry.)

Five years ago? I would be panicking and staying up late working long hours and burning myself out. But now? These days I'm working full days, then stepping back and cooking meals or working on projects for my kids. It feels more stable this time. I feel like I've matured.

I got a report in my email yesterday which showed that retail sales in January plunged 0.8% from December, far worse than the consensus forecast for a decline of just 0.2%, and the largest monthly loss since March 2023. On the one hand, it made me feel better that it's not just me. On the other hand, it sucks that lots of other people are struggling, as well.

Still, I make the time to meditate every morning. Still, I pull out my poetry books and take my life advice from Mary Oliver. In the poem One or Two Things she wrote:

One or two things are all you need to travel over the blue pond, over the deep roughage of trees and through the stiff flowers of lightning--some deep memory of pleasure, some cutting knowledge of pain.

You don't need to have all the answers. You just need to put one step in front of the other.

Last year when I launched my wholesale business, I drummed up over 1000 leads. I'd pick a city and use google maps or yelp to search for gift shops, stationary stores, coffee shops... anywhere that I thought might want my work... and I took the time to write a personal note to each and every one of these businesses. This month I decided to check back in with them again, and so many of the businesses are now closed or their email addresses no longer work.

Having exhausted these leads, I sat at my computer yesterday with the knowledge that I needed to wait on people to get back to me, that the wholesale leads were out of my hands. And that I still did not have money to pay my landlord. Not once did I fear I would join the list of closed businesses. I did not despair.

Instead, I turned to my first joy. I went back to the sales history on my website and found my very first customers from back in 2016 when I launched my web shop. I emailed them, each of those first customers, sending personal emails. I did not ask them to buy anything. That wasn't what I needed. I asked how they were, what they have been up to, where their lives have taken them.

I was searching for that deep memory of pleasure, that cutting knowledge of pain. One or two things is all we need, after all.

And I got one email back.

This woman was the first person to ever buy an art print in my online shop--a honeybee boy painting--and it is still hanging in her stepson's room, nearly 8 years later. She shared pictures of her new baby, and I shared the pictures with my kids. This woman had sent me many emails over the years, asking for life advice or encouraging me on a hard day. She shared that she didn't realize her emails had made such an impact on me.

Funny how none of us truly sees how impactful we are to those around us. Funny how life keeps going on, whether we worry about it or not.

In One or Two Things, Mary Oliver also wrote:

For years and years I struggled just to love my life. And then the butterfly rose, weightless, in the wind. "Don't love your life too much," it said, and vanished into the world.

I want my character to be defined not by what I do when things are easy but by how I carry myself when things are hard. And I do believe things happen for a reason. Maybe the line between delusion and faith is very thin, but the universe has shown me time and again that it's had my back. I've been in worse scrapes and still came out ok.

If you've read this far and you want to help me get through the next week, you can buy something from my shop or support me on Patreon.

And if you've read this far but you are in a similar boat, don't fret. We will find our way through the fires. one. step. at. a. time.

[luvhockey111]

doomsday

based off of doomsday by lizzy mcalpine!

summary: Quinn Hughes and Elouise “ellie” were high school sweethearts. Everyone surrounding them were just waiting for the day that Quinn would pop the question. What happens when Quinn turns cold?

warnings: sad quinn, sad reader, kind of asshole quinn, angst a little bit

Quinn and Ellie had been dating since their freshman year of high school, to be more specific November of 2013. They were so deeply in love, when quinn went to the University of Michigan, Ellie followed. When Quinn had to move to Vancouver, he bought an apartment for the two of them. There truly was no Quinn without Ellie and vice versa. They made their apartment a home, even buying a dog right before quarantine in March of 2020. Their relationship never once faltered. That is until Ellie got a job offer in Michigan in September of 2022. Ellie’s dream had always been to be a physical trainer for a sports team. While Quinn tried and tried for the Canucks to hire her, they just simply did not need another trainer. It never crossed Quinn’s mind that Ellie could possibly consider leaving Vancouver to work. I mean Vancouver had been their home for the past 5 years, Quinn had been her home for the past 9. Eloise had found out about this job last month, she had told quinn right when she found out, since that day he had been nothing but cold. A shell of the man she loved.

“El I just don’t understand why you would go and apply for this job in Michigan, do you not care about me?.” Quinn had never raised his voice at Ellie, not in all her years of knowing him. “Quinn this is my dream, you know that. I’ve followed you every step of the way since we went to college, I’ve been working towards this job since senior year of high school. I’m not going to let it get away.” Eloise could feel her body start to over heat, her eyes get watery and blurry and her throat starting to close. Why couldn’t Quinn understand? “I told you that you don’t have to work I can provide for you El” Quinn started yelling. “You’ve had no problem letting me take care of everything and pay for the past 5 years so what’s the problem now.” “Are you insinuating that I have been using you?” Ellie was furious now. How could Quinn, her perfect boyfriend who has never raised his voice or ever mistreated her say imply such a thing? “It’s not insinuating, if I am straight up saying it Eloise.” Quinn had completely run cold. “Okay, you know what quinn I’m booking my flight for tomorrow morning. I start next week. I thought my boyfriend would be happy I’m finally getting what I’ve been dreaming about, but I guess not.” Eloise already had started packing earlier that day while quinn was at training. “Eloise if you take this job we are over.” Quinn said with a shaky voice, tears brimming just above his waterline. “I guess we’re over than, I’ll get my stuff and go to a hotel tonight.” Eloise was trying her hardest to keep her composure. She knew it had to have been a heat of the moment thing, but even then, if he is that willing to throw 9 years down the drain over a little distance, maybe he wasn’t the one.

“Pull the plug in September I don't want to die in June I'd like to start planning my funeral I've got work to do

Pull the plug, make it painless I don't want a violent end Don't say that you'll always love me 'Cause you know I'd bleed myself dry for you over and over again”

It was now December 23 2023

Ever since Eloise left that night she had not seen or spoken to Quinn. He had not reached out and neither had she. It would be a lie to say that she had not thought about texting him everyday. However, as far as she knows he is living his bachelor life up in Vancouver. She knew Quinn would be coming back home to Michigan for Christmas, as he did every year. Last Christmas Eloise had opted on buying herself and her mom a week long cruise over the time period she knew Quinn would be back in their hometown. This year was different, although she still did not want to see Quinn or speak with him, she had done a lot of self evaluation and decided that maybe it was for the best that the 2 split. I mean they had been together since freshman year of high school. She truly had not known herself without the presence of Quinn, and same goes for Quinn. It could possibly be right person wrong time or simply just someone who wasn’t meant to be. Eloise was currently shopping in her local Trader Joe’s when she had heard an all too familiar voice. Now it’s not the voice that she had heard everyday for 9 years but it was a voice she could pick out of a lineup for sure. It was the voice of the little brother she never had. “Yup, okay Jack I’ll get that fried rice you like. Oh my god leave me alone you’re such a child.” Luke groaned loudly, Eloise let out a quiet laugh at the sound of this conversation, knowing the antics of her old second family all too well. She was in the aisle next to luke and could still hear him loud and clear. All of a sudden the voice started sounding louder and closer. “Jack I swear if you tell mom I’ll…” Luke locked eyes with Ellie and looked as if he had just seen a ghost. “Uh yeah jack I’ll see you when I get home.” Right as he hung up on jack he ran to Ellie, engulfing her in a bear hug. Right as they connected Ellie could feel herself starting to get choked up and tears welling in her eyes. “Oh El I’m so sorry about everything, I’m sorry I didn’t reach out, I’m so sorry.” “It’s okay lu, I know how close you and Quinn are I didn’t expect you to. I did miss you a whole lot though.” Luke and Eloise had always been extremely close. She had known him since he was 10 and watched him grow up into an amazing hockey player and an even better person. She reminisced back to when she had first gotten her license and the first thing she did was drive Luke to hockey practice because Ellen and Jim were busy, and Quinn and Jack were out of town. He was like the brother she never had. Luke and Eloise had talked for about 5 more minutes before jack called complaining that he was out for too long and he had to eventually part ways from Ellie. After seeing Luke it made Eloise realize how much she had missed Quinn, but if it was that easy for him to walk out of her life and not reach out then it would be just as easy for him to ignore her, or to do it again. December 25, 2023

Christmas was always Eloises favorite holiday. Every year that she had been home for Christmas she would walk down a street in her town that was filled with lights and people after their Christmas dinners. This year had been no different. After her family dinner she had grabbed her coat and went to walk down the street. Now, every year she had done this walk with Quinn, this year it felt like a part of her had died on this walk. The part of her that enjoyed Christmas, or any holiday for that matter. She had realized on this walk she had become a shell of the person she once was. She had realized how pathetic she probably looked to an outsider. It was never about not knowing herself outside of being in a relationship with Quinn, it was the pride she took in it, how he made her a better person, he pushed her to chase after her dreams, he did all that he could to get her every resource possible so that she could follow her dreams. All in all she realized that she’s the villain in her own story. Yes, Quinn had blown up on her when he really had no right to, but she was the one who packed all of her stuff without telling him, she was the one who left their shared home of the past 5 years without a word, and she was the one who had blocked his phone number meaning to have unblocked it by the next morning. As Eloise realized she never unblocked his phone number she broke. What if he had tried reaching out to fix everything? What if he missed her as much as she missed him and she would never know? Quinn’s perspective:

A piece of Quinn had died a little bit with every text he had sent to Eloises phone number and every time it had shown up as not delivered. Quinn had been siliently dying inside due to his ego not wanting to tell anyone about the breakup, although everyone could tell something was wrong. He had kept up with her life ever since they split. He as well was a shell of a person ever since she had walked out that door. He texted her everyday multiple times without fail, he had called her at least once a day to hear her voice and laugh on the answering machine. He knew that Christmas was her favorite holiday and he knew she was in town because Luke had told him. So he had decided to text her to wish her a Merry Christmas.

“The death of me was so quiet No friends and family allowed Only my murderer, you And the priest who told you to go to hell And the funny thing is I would've married you If you'd have stuck around”

Eloise had felt her phone buzz in her pocket

Q💘: Merry Christmas El, I know today is your favorite. Remember our first Christmas together when you still had braces and a unibrow lol. You still were the most beautiful girl I had ever laid my eyes on, well I mean you still are but you get the point. I know you won’t see this message and haven’t seen the other probably millions of texts I’ve sent, I still love you and will continue to love you for as long as I’m living but I think it’s doing me more harm then good. Until we (hopefully) meet again my Ellie girl.

“I had no choice in the matter Why would I? It's only the death of me”

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesdaypost year in review

this year brought to you by viewers like you. thank you! i still do not know how to thank everyone for their incredible generosity during the Late July/Early August Moving Catastrophe Badtimes and im still feelin some kinda way about it. thank you.

took eight weeks completely off, more than any other year so far

overnight traveled for work for the first time

moved cross country with Mack to face dangers untold and hardships unnumbered

bought an actual for-real couch and not a futon

got Phil

(unrelated to Phil) i got spayed after almost ten years of begging and pleading various medical professionals, (also unrelated) got covid and RSV back to back

listening

fallow weeks: 8. i almost always have a tuesdaysong bc i am almost always listening to something. all of the tuesdaysongs are here:

particular favorites were Peel Me A Grape (Anita O’Day), top spotify song of the year Yeah Yeah Yeah (Blood Orchid), Yeah Yeah Yeah’s Wolf remixed by Sextile, Father Finlee (Spence Hood), A Minha Menina (Os Mutantes).

the very last tuesdaysong of the year is Sugar Rum Cherry by Duke Ellington, one of the few christmas songs i tolerate.

special shoutout to the austin underscore walker universe of podcasts, bc i mainlined A More Civilized Age (clone wars/star wars rewatch) while packing, and devoured P/alisade (the newest scifi season of F/riends at the Table) this month.

-

reading

fallow weeks: 11. pleased that i am killing the invisible rules in my head and including more articles instead of feeling guilty about Not Reading A Real Book!!! every week when i sit down to write the tuesdaypost. read a fuckton earlier this year bc i was procrastinating moving prep, have not read much since i moved.

article sources:

inoreader (the best free RSS feed/app imo)

The Markup (gold standard usage of data to show how various technologies are being used to harm the public good: you may have heard of the recent American bills to equalize internet service and fix organ donation grift. that was them)

Web 3 Is Going Just Great (crypto disasters)

404 Media (technology reporting, internet culture, also break a lot of data/legal/privacy scandals)

Remap (formerly Vice's video games division Waypoint, more active on podcasts and twitch but do have great personal essays about gaming longreads)

Retraction Watch (an important academic service but platformed a particularly virulent transphobe and let the comments devolve into a free for all. yes im still mad about this)

Krebs on Security (~once a month extremely long and thoughtful infosec writeups)

Data Colada (cover academic data whoopsies, currently being sued for their journalism)

the two authors i spent the most time with this year were Alexis Hall (romance novels and novellas) and Raymond Chandler's noir detective novels. i read 90% of Raymond Chandler's work in march and went insane about yet another sad bisexual man. Philip Marlowe the cat is named after his pet detective, the human Philip Marlowe.

march was kind of a banger for this category bc in one of what i consider the best tuesdayposts this year, i tried to break down why i fucking hated Frank Miller's Sin City comics so much.

other comics, but ones i loved: Spy X Family, Berserk, weird noir DC miniseries The Human Target.

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watching

fallow weeks: 10

notable stuff i watched for the first time (according to letterboxd) that will stick in my head for a bit. some (The Night of the Hunter) i am so glad i watched once but do not feel the need to revist. some (Slipstream) fascinate me with how good they could have been. some (Twilight. all of them) were fun bc of the people i watched them with. the two i went particularly deranged over are The Big Sleep and Day of Anger. still feel very normal about them.

very heavy on crime and courtroom films this year!

television: very excited for s2 of Blue Eye Samurai, Interview With The Vampire, Spy X Family.

i should loop back and finish Black Lagoon, Adventure Time (completely forgot i rewatched most of that this spring), and The Big O. that last one is throwing me a little bc (since i last checked) there is no freely available version with subtitles (i cannot find subtitles Period) and i'll be damned if i have to import a dvd. i can find the dub with subtitles but! i want to hear spike spiegel as mecha-batman :(

sort of lukewarm eh-i'll-get-around-to-it about s/tar wars shows. i have not watched a/hsoka At All or wrapped up the animated Resistance show. i'll pay attention when ando/r is airing again.

-

playing

fallow weeks: 10. way fewer than i would have guessed!

the trouble with this category is that it is exceptionally hard to find new good games (either ones i already own or ones that are free). it is almost completely prohibitively exhausting to trawl through the free category on steam. there's simply a lot of cruft out there. a very good thing (but also incredibly timeconsuming thing) i started this year was throwing games into various folders so the eight bajillion libraries i have are less overwhelming. i can safely ignore 80% of my epic games library, for example. the itch.io library is a whole separate weekend project i think.

got back into genshin for good or for ill, which took up most of the back half of the year.

go play ABZU. i am no longer asking.

i would like to go back and finish the RPG Gamedec, un-softblock myself in the RPG Weird West, and finish the visual novel Dead Man's Rest. i think i stalled out in Call of Juarez: Gunslinger bc there was a mexican standoff that my reflexes are simply not fast enough for/too much to pay attention to. i am excited to pick up that spooky fishing simulator DREDGE when i have fun money again.

completely forgot i spent most of jan/feb/march being annoyed at fallou/t 4 but having some fun in Far Harbor, also forgot i spent an entire month playing through Wolfenstein: The New Order but i am not compelled to play through it again. it was fun! but like many games after one playthrough my time with it is done!

-

making

fallow weeks: 17 (unsurprising, pretty low energy year as a whole as i recovered from covid rounds 1 and 2 and the frankly insane stress of moving).

wrote exactly one fic: some matters at the heart of cowboy western snap shirts: why they are so and some of the implications of their being so, i would like to write more next year but i don't really have the brainpower. i hope this changes soon.

the baby blanket i started last year is still not done but the baby is still under a year so i have a very narrow window of time.

dyed some couch covers im still very pleased with

wrote an extremely long but very well received gallery wall guide

recipes: 12. sort of shocked by this? i am becoming an incrementally better cook and slowly finding recipes i both like and can successfully execute. found the fortitude to caramelize onions, for example. quick pickled red onions, for another thing. big year for protein or greens on top of beans and rice. faves included: cuban-style pork shoulder, hellofresh peruvian chicken, red lentil soup, white bean/kale/rice bowls

i would like to be less terrified about cooking fish. i would like to eat more fish.

and of course, the biggest project of all, acquired Phil. here is my very favorite photo ive ever taken of a cat

[tanuki-02]

Progress Report

For 09.16.23 to 07.08.24

I plan on doing these progress reports weekly. Perhaps with the occasional post in between if I feel like I have some huge improvement within that day.

But for this first progrep, I'll try to detail as much as possible my learning from the day I started until now as I write this post.

For a little more info, I'm a 2nd year university student who is already fluent in 2 languages. I'd say my strong point is memorization which is incredibly helpful.

‎

— GOAL

Initially, I wanted to learn Japanese because of manga. Yes, I know fanlations exist and I can go buy physical English copies. However, English versions are waaaay more expensive and a lot of the manga I read have very slow fanlations or they've stopped translating it completely.

This brings me to my next point; I wanted to learn how to READ Japanese first and foremost. I hardly cared about other skills (but now I do understand their importance to the holistic learning of it all).

‎

— September '23 to November '23

I went into this language learning journey blindly. I had no idea where to start. But all I knew was that: 1.) Du*lingo is not your best option, 2.) DON'T use romaji to learn, 3.) Start kanji as early as you can. Looking back on it, I feel like these 3 points are important and I still do believe them now.

So, I went ahead and learned hiragana and katakana in less than 2 days. It was quite easy (although, katakana still does make my head spin sometimes).

After that, I went ahead and started with vocabs and kanji. Basically, I searched up vocab & kanji lists for the N5 level. After I found some good practice/list PDFs, I printed them out and used them as my main study material.

What I would do is to memorize them on my own accord (reading over and over again then, checking if I remember—rinse and repeat). I would say this worked out well for the first couple of months. The N5 lists had around 800 vocabs and 60 kanji which were pretty easy to memorize. I had this down in about a month. The following N4 lists had around an additional 800 vocab and 120 kanji. This one took me 2 months, but I'd say the mastery isn't as great as the N5.

With that in mind and the additional 4000 vocabs and 300 kanji that N3 offered, I started to doubt my method. It was then that I really began to search the web of an efficient way to learn this language.

It was then I discovered TheMoeWay and Anki.

‎

— December '23 to June '24

Plenty of people recommended TheMoeWay, so I had to check it out. It has a guide for the first 30 days of learning, but I ignored that because I was way past 30 days at this point. I read everything else and learned about spaced repetition systems (SRS); that's basically what Anki is.

It recommends to start with the N5 Tango Deck first and I did that. I began on December 6, 2023 and finished it on March 28, 2023. To consider it finished, all cards should be matured.

‎

‎

This deck was VERY easy for me at this point because the prior months of inefficient reviewing that I did. If I'm not mistaken, I did about 100 cards per day which explains why I was so fast.

I had to move on to N4 Tango Deck once I ran out of "New" cards in the first deck. So, at some point, I was doing both decks simultaneously. I began this one on January 17, 2024 and finished it on June 15, 2024.

‎

‎

Admittedly, this deck was a lot tougher than the last one for me at the time. I had to lower the daily card count to 50 (which is still a lot). But I can say after finishing both tango decks—vocabulary, kanji retention, and grammar—all improve drastically. These two decks are super duper helpful in the beginning and I would totally recommend them.

After accomplishing both decks, TheMoeWay says for you to create a mining deck of your own. So, as I was about to go through the N4 Tango Deck, I was deliberating whether or not I'd go through with what is recommended or go for something else.

I think making a mining deck would boost your skill by a huge margin, but I opted for the Core 2k/6k Japanese Vocabulary Deck which I learned from Livakivi on YouTube.

‎

— Current; July '24

I decided to take on the Core 2k/6k while I was doing the N4 Tango (This also explains why I did fewer cards 'cuz I was trying to balance both). I started this one on January 14, 2024 and I'm still getting through it little by little. By that I mean I'm not even halfway done haha.

This is what my progress looks like so far:

‎

‎

I'm doing 20 new cards per day while it's still summer break from university. Although, I'll definitely have to lower it once the semester starts. Maybe I'll go back to 10 or something.

Anyway, I found that by doing this, my retention for words and how they are spelled in hiragana have improved so much. Sometimes I can easily read random sentences on Japanese websites or books. Moreover, after doing this for some time, I found that my reading got a lot better (duh, you know more words). I can easily pass the N5 and N4 tests on the official JLPT website. The N3 tests... not so much just yet.

This brings me to my next point: I am lacking in grammar and reading comprehension. To remedy this, I've tried immersing a bit through reading news on NHK or random stories on Tadoku Graded Readers (honestly, boring, but I have to). I tried reading manga, but I'd skip so many speech bubbles that it made no sense anyway.

At the moment, I'm doing an Anki deck related to grammar, another one based on Tae Kim's guide, and a third one for listening comprehension (because my listening skills are also doodoo).

‎

TL;DR

I'd say I'm around the higher N4 level or maybe a very low N3. For my level, I'd say I'm pretty good at reading... everything else not so much. I barely do output so writing and speaking are non-existent skills for me and listening is something I only started now.

[rottingwaysofmisery]

Past Time Travel Ramblings

Hello, I'm gonna ramble about the logic of literal past time travel.

Okay preface. This is not a scientific essay. I am not a scientist, I barely passed every science class I've been in and remember nothing from them. No sources will be cited, and all of these ideas come from my own thoughts. I do not claim to be the first to think of anything, however, I do not see others speaking on any of this. I am most likely just not looking hard enough, but I'd just love to see the thoughts of others here and the input of people who know more than me on the subject.

Preface over, I'm going to be going over possible complications and mechanics that would have to be answered for if one were to build a real time machine, at least in my mind. The general problem, I believe, is bridging the gap between the mechanics of the universe and our social constructs. If that sounds confusing, I will elaborate.

Social v. Material

Shout in your room right now "Teleport me to London on the 15th of March in 1963."

Nothing will happen. You look ridiculous. For one, the universe doesn't know what a "London" is, we made that word up, nor does it know what that date is because we made up all these terms for time, nor would it know the notion of teleporting. Beyond that, who would hear you? Your neighbors, roommates, perhaps. The universe? Who knows. It won't respond though.

So if your goal is to use a time machine to go back to London on the 15th of March in 1963, the main or at least significant hurdle to overcome would be figuring out how to translate those terms into something a machine can understand. You can't hack the universe if reality isn't composed of any language you comprehend.

Location

One possible problem with a teleporting time machine, a part of the last issue, is setting a location for it to move to. There's no "universal coordinates" for anything to ever understand, so the instantaneous movement would have to do more with distance ("Move 5000 miles in this direction") than a name ("Move to 8.436 at the Fart Quadrant"). Then after that, how could you ever tell it a direction? The Earth constantly rotates and the universe knows no ups and downs. A computer can move you up if it understood the concept, but could it adjust for the spinning Earth's movement, in real time and constantly? Even then, think, London in 1963 isn't in the same place it is now, at least not in a specific technical sense that'd get your nerd glasses broken if you mentioned it to a varsity jacket jock. Sure, it is the same place on Earth, but everything in the solar system and everything else around it is moving constantly. That is to say, even if you solved the other problems and went to where London is now in 1963, you could just end up stranded in the galactic void waiting for a planet to hit you in sixty years.

Time

How do you make a computer understand the concept of 1963 A.D.? You can't, it could read you the definition if programmed but it could not in any meaningful capacity take you back to that time just by the phrase alone.

Okay, so instead of asking it to drop you into a year, what about pushing you back? Asking it to go back 60 years from the present 2023 to 1963. Such a thing would require us to find and observe a measurable unit of time that can send you back in time a certain amount for each of the unit. The further back you want to go, the more of the units. Also remember, the present is constantly moving forward. You may have to make a system where the units increase for each second the time machine isn't travelling. Or not, you wouldn't need to care if you're not the type to fuss over the exact second in a given day you time travel to. It would honestly be a little dumb to, anyways.

No Teleportation

So what we can conclude from those first two sections is that a hypothetical time machine could not teleport. It would have to involve some sort of pushing back in time. You cannot tell something to drop into a coordinate, but you can workshop it to move in the direction of where you want. How that'd work is beyond me, at least at the moment. It's like telling your car to "be" in New York instead of driving to New York, you'd have to drive it or nothing would happen.

The one big exception that would make it possible would be if we were able to harness something beyond our current understanding like a wormhole or a fantastical portal or something.

Past

If you want to build a time machine, you have to ask yourself at some point, to what extent does the past exist? Going back to a past implies our very reality remembers or records. For all we know, it only exists as far as our memories and social constructs around it allow. Imagine you're playing a video game and you never save and you're at the final boss. You're at the final boss and you've unlocked everything, that proves that you actually played the game this far. However, you couldn't go to a previous part of your playthrough because there are no previous save states. Does the universe "save" anything? How could one go back to a past that does not exist in any meaningful way beyond memory and explaining the present? I'm saying, you can't go back if there's nothing to go back to.

Time Travelers

Something that must eventually be asked on the question of real time travel is: where are all the time travelers? The idea is that if past time travel were possible, someone in the future could invent time travel and make it evident that it's possible by going to the past. Perhaps it is possible and yet nobody was able to invent a time machine due to the doom of humanity as the last advanced civilization on Earth before we could even grasp the mechanics of such a device. Maybe we're in an objective present as opposed to a relative one where a future hasn't been recorded yet for any supposed time travelers to even come from, which if false would have a lot of audacity as a theory. Maybe it's stupid fucking science fiction novel bullshit where we haven't seen evidence of time travelers because of a secret time-keeping organization strictly regulating such a device and also trying to prevent paradoxes or whatever the fuck and doing their job really well, that one is my least favorite.

Relativity

I'm gonna do this one assuming you all know the gist of the theory of relativity and the idea that time is relative to where you are, though I very well may have no idea what I'm talking about. Imagine this, we have Not-Earth and Earth. Not-Earth is an inconceivably long distance away from Earth to the extent that it goes through time slower comparatively than Earth does, though the human consciousness on both planets experiences both at the same rate. Remember the hypothetical measurable time units? My question is, would relativity suggest the hypothetical time units needed to go back a given amount of years would vary on location, or would it just need the same amount regardless of location?

The Science

This section is going to be brief because I don't know jack shit. From what I've gathered, past time travel can be possible according to certain scientific laws. Knowing whether or not past time travel can be achieved for certain, at least as it seems to me, seems like such a fantastical thing to know that it has to be out of our grasp for a long time. I'm not gonna link the article so either google it or call me a liar, but I saw an article about how scientists successfully simulated sending a particle back in time through a quantum computer. That suggests nothing on the possibility of physical particles time traveling back in time though, only that a computer can show us fantastical things which I know already from watching videos of horse dressage. That's a joke, I don't watch that.

In Conclusion

So, time machines capable of backwards time travel, what a mouthful. Basically, if you wanted to make such a thing you'd have to think of something so immensely clever and beyond the imagination and science we currently have. If it's ever done I'd love to learn how they solve these issues, at least the parts I could wrap my head. Hell, maybe even science fiction writers know how to jump the hurdles, even if they lack the technical fortitude.

If you got this far, thank you. I doubt this will interest much of anyone at all. If at least one person thinks it's an interesting read, though, I will be happy enough.

[consolecadet]

10 First Lines Game

Tagged by @specialagentartemis (thanks for thinking of me!)

“Rules: share the first lines of ten of your most recent fanfics and tag ten people. If you have written less than ten, don’t be shy and share anyway ❤️”

At Artemis' suggestion, I'm playing fast and loose with the rules and including original fiction too. I feel like I don't talk about my writing in much detail and many of these projects are not online, so I've included some context!

When Gareth Last gets to the top of the stairs to his office on Germantown Ave, someone is already standing there, waiting. “Latent Defects”, last worked on today. Latent Defects is a bi 1980s detective novel I started during NaNoWriMo 2018 and have been working on since. I don’t want to jinx it, but I think I’m getting close to a version I'd be comfortable asking for feedback on! HMU if we're mutuals and you want to read a 350-page manuscript soon (realistically a few months from now).

Kim closes his Mnemotechnique A6 and aligns his pen beside it on the desk. “Boot Black”, last worked on today. I started writing this fic about an undernegotiated BDSM scene between Kim Kitsuragi and Harry du Bois in February because of an intoxicated tag I left on this poor, unsuspecting artist’s drawing of Kim Kitsuragi. It's nearly finished.

He shows him the picture. “Rabbit Vector.” “This is Not a Virtual Simulation”, last worked on March 2023. This year I started outlining a new version of a very old cyberpunk heist novel project. I'm still in the R&D phase, but I did write a first line (or two).

PROBLEM: Lieutenant Kitsuragi seems repressed. “Thought Acquired: Manic Pixie Dream Detective”, finished February 2023. I wrote this Kim/Harry short in the style of Disco Elysium’s Thought Cabinet. An amusing exercise.

It doesn’t feel right to be back at the new school in Trenton so soon, after spending last night watching the shamash until it went out with his siblings. “That’s How Accidents Happen”, finished October 2022. A Latent Defects short about the love interest Luke Whittaker’s adolescent crush on his high school shop teacher.  

The first 30% of Hermann’s flare came from his and Newton’s ill-advised drift with the Kaiju fetus. “It’s the Weather, You Imbecile”, finished September 2022. After joining AO3 and revising my old fics to upload them there, the spirit of 2013 possessed me to write this Pacific Rim porn.

At Goodwill in boy mode, I watch for other shoppers in the mirror above the racks. “#191970 Midnight Blue” for The HTML Colors Zine, finished April 2022. I had a blast writing ten 50-word stories inspired by HTML colors for this zine I found out about on Twitter. Artemis also has some work in here!

A man tried to sell me a daydream today. Adaptive Daydreaming”, last worked on December 2021. One of a few ideas I have in a universe loosely inspired by William Gibson’s “simstim” technology (my version is a device called the SenShare). This one is also inspired by bullshit-artist corporate coaches.

He’s glad he’s sitting on the exam table, because the patterned cotton johnny is too small. “The Transformation”, last worked on January 2021. This was going to be a short story about a doctor dismissing a fat character’s strange symptoms, which turn out to be the lead-up of the character turning into a terrible (yet awesome) monster.

Connor remembers enough to know it wasn’t her fault. “Neural Feedback Loop”, finished/last worked on September 2020. Another SenShare device story. In this one, a cyclist disabled by a car accident takes revenge by using the SenShare to force the pain of her injuries onto the driver.

What have we learned today?

Unlike Artemis, I rarely if ever start a story with a line of dialogue

Despite my best efforts, ~70% of my recent work features a man as the main character

Most of the fanfiction I write is porn, while most of the original fiction I write is not

I tend to start with a zoomed-out generalization, a habit I do not love about myself

Please consider yourself tagged if you want an excuse to share, but I'll also tag @cryptiq @sealcontent @absolutely-basted @animeisgod @tadpoleconspiracy @definitionsfading @saxifraga-x-urbium with the general directive of "I'd love to hear about any category of writing you're working on, but no pressure".

[dru-plays-starbound]

Look Back, by Looking Forwards

Universe: Starbound CW: Fantasy religion, food Words: 1,653 Context: Written for the Spring 2023 prompt, "Featherfood".

The ship hummed gently under Mio's touch as she idly scanned the navigation console. Nobu was worried about one of the ship's fins, so she was searching for a repair station when there was a rap on the Bridge door. "Come," Mio called, attention still on her search. "Irritated. Captain, I demand you remove crewmember Xictli from my kitchen." Mio turned towards the copper glitch, tilting her head. "Why? What's the matter, Sparkfoot?" "She has pilfered my pantry, abused my cookware, and is carving up my kitchen! Demanding. You need to improve these conditions!" Mio stood, making calming gestures. "Alright. I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation. I'll speak to her now."

Mio left the Bridge with Sparkfoot marching beside her, and headed to the back of the ship, towards the Commons and crew quarters. At the junction between Mech and Hydroponics, Mio stopped. "Why don't you wait here?" she said, gesturing to the armchair. Sparkfoot shook his head. "Surly. I would rather see justice." "Apologies. Let me make myself clearer: Ordering. You will remain here." Sparkfoot's eye lights winked on and off. Mio crossed her arms. Sparkfoot gracefully descended into the chair. "Tetchy. I will remain here." "Grateful." With a dip of her head, Mio set off again, through Hydroponics, through the crew lounge, and into the Commons.

Inside, she found most of her crew clustered together, listening to the banging and crashing from the galley. "What, by the Ocean Tides, is going on here?" As one, the crew jumped, turning to view their irate captain. "Back to work. All of you!" The crew started to dissipate, but Fife, the medic, paused on the way out. "Don't be too hard on her, Cap'n," yon said. "There's an important date coming up on the Grounded calendar." Mio nodded. "I'll keep that in mind."

Mio hardly knew how to make sense of Sparkfoot's usually ordered galley. The surfaces not covered with flour were instead smeared with baking grease. A stack of cracked eggshells stood on the counter next to a huge mixing bowl and a tub leaking pale pink goo. On the hob, emitting a dark miasma, was a tray of charcoal bricks. Xictli – dressed in an outfit peppered with beads, golden thread, and flour – stood over the tray, an ebb and flow of obscenities frothing from the sunset-orange avian. "Lieutenant Xictli, by salt and sand, what are you doing? Sparkfoot is livid, and you know how long it took me to find a chef who would stay longer than three jumps. Please get this place back into Bristol fashion, post haste." "With all due respect, Captain, I can't. Not until I've finished this." Xictli lowered her head, making a slow swiping motion with her beak. "Sparkfoot doesn't have all the right ingredients, so I was trying to improvise. But," she gestured defeatedly to the lumps of charcoal, "it's not working."

Mio took a breath, letting it out slowly to avoid flaring her gills. She paced to the sink, drew a glass of water, and held it out to Xictli. "Tell me what you're trying to do. I can't help if you don't explain." Xictli looked from the water to her captain and back. She sighed, dipping her beak into the glass to lap up the water. "The anniversary of the Grounded Ascendancy is tomorrow. It's the day we cast off the chains of Kluex and fled Avos to the stars. Our ancestors took few victuals that day, and in honour of their courage, we eat the same as they did. The key dish is Featherfood." "Why didn't you say before?" Mio raised a brow ridge. "I would have been happy to add that to the last supply run. You know I would." "According to tradition, it has to be made in one's home. I can't remember the last time I left the ship, let alone went back to Merak's Nest."

Mio closed her lower two eyes, humming to herself, as Xictli took another sip of water. Mio opened her eyes. "What," she asked thoughtfully, "constitutes declaring a place one's home?" "I- Captain? I'm not sure I understand." Xictli ground her beak. "Must one have lived there for a long time? May one have only spent one night there? Could," Mio added pointedly, "it be as simple as a place another has opened to you for use?" Xictli blinked. "Well. Um. Since our ancestors made their victuals in the homes of people they stayed with, I would say the latter could count. Captain, I'm still confused…" "Get me a shopping list of ingredients you'll need and get this place squared away. Then meet me by the secondary teleporter on level seven of the Altais colony in two hours. Understood?" "But- Cap-?" Mio flared her gills. "Is that understood?" "Yes, Captain."

~~~

Xictli waited against the trunk of a tree, head back, watching the flickering lights in the night sky as glowing rain pattered down into the leaves, painting the world with bright gold. On the wind, from the far end of the park, came the gentle tinkle of a wind chime. She sighed, eyes sliding closed. A hum started in the back of her throat, joined by rhythmic clicks and whistles.

"That's a pretty tune. I didn't know you could sing." Xictli's eyes snapped open. "Sorry, I didn't mean to keep you waiting," Mio said. She'd changed from her uniform into a red kimono, the silk changing from poppy-bright to wine-dark in the flickering rain. Mio smiled. "I forgot what a pain feathercrowns are to pull. This way."

Xictli blinked and followed as the Captain made her way through the park and down the wide road. "Where are we going?" Xictli asked. Mio glanced back with a smile. "You'll see. Did you get the galley back to good order?" "Yes, Captain. I… I also apologised to Chef." Mio's shoulders dipped with the release of tension. "Thank you."

After a short walk, they turned off the main road into a short alley and stopped in front of a modest wooden house. Mio touched a webbed hand to a sensor, and the door swung open. "Boots off, please," she said, walking in. Xictli kicked off her boots and stood, nonplussed, in the entryway. "What is this place?" "Welcome, child of Merak," Mio said, holding out a pair of slippers in both hands. "I open my home to you and greet you with the affection of family. Whatever you need, I shall provide, so long as my hospitality is not abused." Xictli opened her beak but wordlessly shut it again. Mio gave a gentle smile. "I think that should do the trick. Come now, we've got baking to get started on." Xictli slid her feet into the slippers and trailed after Mio.

The house was refined, almost delicate. Wide windows framed the planet's sweet meadows and gently rolling hills. White textured walls contrasted classic dark-wood furniture, decorated with greenery and ocean mementoes. The kitchen was a mix of warm rustic cabinets and modern appliances. Onto the table, Mio was unpacking food from a bag. "I have everything you included on that list, and a few extra items for dinner," she said, folding the bag and placing it out of the way. "Where do we start?"

~~~

Xictli directed preparations: While Mio diced the feathercrows, cooking them with sugar to make a compote, Xictli sliced open the beakseeds. She scooped out the crunchy seeds, grinding them into a powder to mix with the flour and more sugar. With the compote cooling on the stove, Mio mashed the beakseed pulp with a little water, then handed it to Xictli who stirred it into the dry ingredients to make a dough. They split the dough, kneaded it and left it to rise while they had a cup of fragrant tea and dinner of rice cakes and coralcreep sushi.

Then it was back to work, rolling the dough and shaping it into long flat strips. Mio followed Xictli's instructions, adding a little compote and winding the dough into a spiral. The buns went into the oven – watched carefully this time – until they'd risen to a glorious golden brown. Sweet, yeasty steam billowed from the oven as the buns were carefully removed, and the two women gazed at the sticky Featherfood with pride. "Oh, they smell delicious," Mio said. "Do you think we should sample one? Just to make sure the others are alright, you understand…" Xictli grinned, nudging Mio in the side. "Oh, I understand. But no, they're for the celebrations. Webs off. There's one last touch missing…" From a small earthenware pot, Xictli drew delicate petals of edible gold shaped like feathers and placed one in the center of each bun. "Perfect."

~~~

With the buns slid into the fridge, Mio led Xictli to a guest room. "We may as well stay here for the night and return to the ship tomorrow. Will that give you enough time to prepare for the ceremony?" "Yes." Xictli dipped her beak, making that sliding motion again. "Captain… I don't even know how to begin to thank you for your assistance…" Mio held up a hand. "You don't need to. Xictli, you're not just my lieutenant. You're my right-hand, one of my oldest crewmembers. Dare I say…" colour rose to her cheeks, "a best friend. My family. I am embarrassed you felt you couldn't come to me for help in the first place." "I know. I should have. You're so busy though, and I didn't want to bother you with something so trivial-" "Trivial! Xictli, one's beliefs are not trivial. Carrying out one's customs and ceremonies is not trivial. Please," Mio took Xictli's hands, "next time, don't hesitate. What's the point of building the New Protectorate if my own crew can't practice their culture without fear." Xictli closed her eyes and dipped her beak. "Thank you, Mio." Mio smiled, squeezing Xictli's hands before letting them go. "Always, my friend."

[ausetkmt]

If you’ve watched a particular Netflix comedy special, then you’ll know making people laugh is not an easy job.

For Detroit native Delo Brown, comedy is something that just came naturally to her. But Brown didn’t begin to explore comedy as a profession until after she graduated with a bachelor’s in political science from Michigan State University and couldn’t find a job she loved.

“I graduated with that degree and it took me damn near four months to find a job, and I realized that a 9-to-5 might not be best for me,” says Brown. “One day I went to a comedy show, and they were having a comedy competition, and my friends were like ‘you should go up there.’ I went up there and did it, and I won second place.”

In 2019, Brown moved to Los Angeles to further pursue her comedy career. While she’s a hometown hero with a steady fanbase in Detroit, she found that in L.A. she was one of many. Her start in L.A. was rocky and intimidating, so much that Brown took a break from comedy after she landed her first TV spot.

“I was ambitious as hell, and really naive; just bright-eyed and bushy tailed with foggy glasses over my eyes. I moved out there in January 2019, and landed on Revolt TV within the first three months, which was my first TV special, and it went amazing,” says Brown. “But I got so scared, I didn’t perform after that for about a year and a half. I don’t know what it was, I think I saw what I had to go up against and what was in front of me, and I chickened out.”

It turns out that break was exactly what she needed to push through and make comedy work for her. That break led into the COVID-19 pandemic where Brown found herself with a choice: make L.A. work or move back home.

“It wasn’t until the end of 2020 or the beginning of 2021 that I got back on my shit, and getting back on my shit was extremely humbling,” says Brown. “I had to light a fire under my ass because I realized how fast paced everything is out there, and how much networking you have to do to get stage time.”

Although she’s still working hard for her stage time out in L.A., Brown is creating her own stages and productions here in Detroit. The bicoastal comedian often produces her own headlining comedy shows in the Motor City, including her upcoming 313 Day Comedy Show Experience. The lineup includes comedians T. Barb, J. Will, and CoCo, all of whom Brown sings high praises for. Brown says that T. Barb has served as a comedy mentor for her over the last few years, helping guide her through the industry, but she says she manifested securing CoCo for this show.

“If you are a millennial, then you listened to CoCo on WJLB every single morning on the way to school,” says Brown. “A few years before I moved to L.A., I did a show at Marble Bar and CoCo was on it. We didn’t get to talk for a long time, but we took a picture together, and I told her we were going to meet back very soon. To see this manifest and come to life in 2023, it’s nothing but God.”

The 313 Day Comedy Show Experience will be Monday, March 13 at Delmar, 501 Monroe St., Detroit. Doors open at 6:30 p.m. Tickets are $40 and are available at 313daycomedyshow.eventbee.com.

[evelyne-am]

13th March 2023.

Hi folks. I’m going to have to make this really short. It’s been a long time that I have felt that something new is coming upon me. I love music to death and it is most certainly my life’s Destiny but ever since I left Boston I was searching for something to dream about. My work as a musician is beautiful and fulfilling and incredible but it was my reality, it was no longer something I imagined in a mirror as a dream. And over the years when I couldn’t find solace in music sometimes because it was my everyday job, I found it in stories. Especially in the pandemic I would stay up till 6 am every night watching shows and films reading about actors and analysing what I was feeling when I watched things happen. A part of me thinks that I finally found something that I loved as much as music, or probably in a very different way. Another part of me was frustrated with the way society had instantly cancelled my career and my industry the second the pandemic hit as if we were dispensable, we were not essential goods so our services could be instantly paused and we could go to hell, I thought about quitting music completely and all forms of arts and doing something else. But one day without any expectations of actually doing anything I Tried to get into some classes in acting, most of them were full, the one I wanted to at SPARDHA esp, so I Enrolled in my second choice, partially because the music industry was shut in a pandemic and partially because I was curious. In all honesty I didn’t enjoy it. theatre is deep and intellectual, and unlike the music that I listen to, the films and TV that I watch are less on that side, and more about common life, common folk. At one point I quit the program and the play we were doing because I was called into Coke Studio and tho i regretted not finishing the program I was okay with leaving the course and returning to the music industry which had just opened up again. In the process of the last one and a half years I have full fledged come back to work and been doing music with my band, my choir, and even remotely. But I had a little inkling, that I tried something and I never went through. I kept my interest in going to a few plays though, but only that of SparDHA, whom I felt were the brilliant ones in this country.

While working on BONOBIBI in Coke Studio, members of SPARDHA were involved and my Choir and I were in awe (they did the bonobibi part choreo) and I thought wow how amazing thoughtful artistic and professional are these people?

In Jan I was called into a meeting to ask if I were interested in doing an acting project/musical (more on that later) and it sparked my old head again. Then later In February I was supposed to go to Los Angeles to attend the Grammy awards, and for multiple reasons including my getting Covid I did not go last minute. I wont deny that incident wasn’t hard, but there was something inside me that knew there was something more to me not going to Los Angeles.. That is when I found SPARDHA starting their classes again, and without hesitation I don’t know why I just jumped in. Just fresh out of Covid I was doing one or two shows again and it was the day of Coke Studio launch, I am dressed up from head to toe just performed in front of 10,000 people for the first time in many years, when I went to give my audition for the workshop.

The traffic on that day was horrendous and I took a bike and 2 rickshaw and walked from the craziest place of this university in the middle of the highway to the Audition..I was bursting in adrenaline, it was showing on my face. And when my audition was happening I was asked are you interested in theatre, I said no. I said I’m here to learn a skill, I’m here to grow myself as a performer but theatre is not what I want to do. I was told that even if I didn’t do theatre, the course that I was doing was gruelling and tough and was about theatre, there was no room for anyone who came with ego or other forms of preconceived notions even for actors who are doing this. I was asked if I could do the work. I said 100%, work is something that I can do. I was told that this workshop is essentially for people who will be in their next production so they will not be encouraging me to take this course and take it at a later time when it is directed towards acting only and not theatre. It was Valentine’s Day, those who saw me after knew that I was actually enjoying the fact that one hour ago I was jumping up and down with university students launching Coke Studio second season, and then I was being sad that something again in this new dream that I had tried to make for myself doesn’t work out. I was sad but specially because I was looking for something new to happen in my life after that all was over and I wanted to run away from the Grammy thing, t(hat’s something I may write about some other day (or in my memoirs maybe,) but I spent my evening actually going through the emotion of the extreme high and the extreme sort of Drop that I felt. I had said canceled going to Singapore, a place where I had lived as a child when my father works there and ever since a lot of things have happened I have been yearning to go there to feel close to my dad, but because of the course dates I had booked myself only to Thailand with friends later instead of doing this introspective Singapore trip, still I told myself it was okay.

The next day I started planning to book up my days again, there was a potential gig, some studio work that I had left to do but before I booked anything I called one of the members of the group that I knew from working in Coke Studio with us, and I said when are you going to give us the answers, and he said within a few hours, I said with him how sad I felt that The Audition indicated that once again I would not get a chance in the workshop (this is the same one that I had tried for in 2021 and did not get in.) he doesn’t so much just said to wait. Needless to say I got in.

On the first day it was truly gruelling physical work my post covid body could not take it. I came home and collapsed, the second day I pushed again and I got dizzy and almost fell in class. That’s when I had to reveal to one of the facilitators that I am fairly out of Covid, and that I would take steroids

(How I had gotten through my Brac students gig during my Covid.) to come back to class the next day. She told me, try boiled eggs and Saline, and my doctor actually said the same thing and my friend Doctor suggested juice. On day three I went fully prepared boiled eggs juice a line, the works. And when I was in class I was in that bloody class. Strangely taking the workshop healed my Covid somehow, it had been weeks that I was able to exert physical strength but when I was there there was nothing that was just me giving my hundred percent. Physically was not the issue at all, it was the mental part. I am a phone addict, my attention span is horrible, I am restless. but I wrote to my sister: those five hours a day that I didn’t have access to my phone, made me so clear about so many things that I’m always struggling with. Like decisions and emotions. I Ended the course on top of the world, almost yearning for more but felt really grateful that in the middle of so many theatre people (on the last day they were asked who felt what kind of difference in the acting in the workshop, and I was the only one who said I don’t have an answer because I’ve never done it before.) That I got to learn something even in its basics even knowing that I just learnt the list of things that I don’t know. I was off to Thailand and feeling really centred when I found out that Sir was going to do one more workshop on voice and speech. And I thought well if I did that there would be aspects of it that I already knew but I was saying to a friend that the way that this incredible teacher has made me feel as a way that I’ve not felt in a long time, I would take a course where he’s teaching to cook rice. Anyway in this course I felt sick again and actually had to go out of the class one day and straight to the doctors. I know the drill, I am s director myself; when I see the weak links I know that they are not going to be the ones that can sustain for long periods of extreme rehearsals, and I was sad that Sir saw me at my post Covid time when I was not 100% and actually i felt he will start to ignore me as the weak link. At the end of this course everyone was discussing new production and how everyone can be involved; in terms of working backstage helping publicity, I assumed that the participants of the actual play were selected. But suddenly I was invited to a conversation talking about if I wanted to do the production. This was 10th March night. The production goes in to 14th March i.e. tomorrow. On 11th March I called the facilitator and I said are you serious are you looking for me to help out with the background score, and she said so he’s going to have a meeting with you tomorrow. I know the schedule; it’s three months of every day, and so I too was feeling all sorts of nerves, and I just started speaking to all my friends are usually take advice from. All my three friends (shawki sharmin and tanmoy) and my sister had nothing else to say but Armeen,yes. (Well my sister calls me Bubu so she said Bubu. Also she said “i dont think u can say no”. Which made me realise ive already said yes.)

That night, the night before I was supposed to have a meeting with Sir to talk about my role, I get an SMS saying you do not need to have said meeting “apni dol ey achen 14th march shokal 8:30 theke rehearsal” (which translates to “ you are in the group.”)

Friends. Don’t know what will happen. If I will last the whole 3 mknths, or a week if I am just singing 2 lines or there to for helping out.. But “ami doley achi” and I’ve opened this new space to document the brilliant Syed Jamil Ahmed and Spardha through my eyes as someone from a blank slate. (Soz that was not short :P )

[the-good-projxct]

March 8th, 2024

9:52 pm listening to what's my name by Rihanna sitting in KaMami’s room with her and Aunty KendiKakes. I did not write yesterday or the day before. Well for the day before I had already chosen a picture to use for one of this week's entries. But last night, I didn’t. For two reasons, I didn’t have my computer but I had my phone and I have written in my apps note and transferred it. Honestly, I was just in a different zone and I didn’t want to do anything other than be in that zone. I’ve been enjoying having KaMami and LoustaLoustaBaby in Nairobi. We went to the mall then we went to see my little cousin Nita and her baby girl Kiki. They are so cute. Holding a 3 month old is so precious. They're soo little and just…soo vulnerable that it brings joy and heartbreak at the same time. Something about babies is pure bliss and absolute chaos at the same time. We came back home and Shaka and Aunty Bome came by. We all spent some time together, the elders Karimi and Moka wa Mwiti were there as well. Then I left with an uber to Munene’s side of town for a few days. I got there and it was already evening so we had supper and vibed for a while. Then we went to an avocado packing plant at like 11pm till 2pm. Munene does export stuff so I tagged along so I could see what he has been up to. It was cool and ting. I was pretty sleepy when we got back to the apartment though. The next day we had a slow start. Walked to the shop, bought stuff to make breakfast then made breakfast together. Crazy story, I am struggling to conceptualize that I have a bae, that I am in Love. Like it feels…foreign. But also, he feels like home. I love doing mundane things with Munene. Like I can do nothing with him for eternity and not be bored. I think the perks of having a partner is doing romantic, touchy, sexy things with/to one another as you do mundane things. Anyway, I enjoyed making breakfast with him. We watched an episode of Love is Blind. Then we went to the mall. We took some edibles before heading out. I stopped being a stoner in 2022 but I did it a few times in 2023. I brought some edibles with me for Munene’s birthday present. So we decided to take them then go on the ferris wheel at the mall. It’s a pretty big, very western mall. The edibles hit at the perfect time, we had stopped by their office for a few. So it was soo funny to see him conducting business knowing we’re both on edibles. Then we went to the ferris wheel. The gag is, we’re both scared of heights but we both didn’t think through how high that ferris wheel goes. So once we sat in it, the fear kicked in. The ride goes twice, we only did one run cuz fear... Anyway, while up there we kissed, held hands, and said I Love you’s. It’s so crazy because life feels very romcom with Munene. We went to the grocery store because we had munchies, then we went back to his office for a while. I was sitting on the balcony then I looked up and saw hearts in the sky. Like yo, life is a movie right now. We went home, I took a nap, we watched more Love is Blind then slept. Munene Loves me. I know this in my bones. In my Soul. I Love him. We are falling in Love. I have worked so hard to heal so much stuff. I know I am ready for Love, tenderness and a partner. I feel self sabotage tryna creep in. It’s so weird because the sabotage is from my ego. My soul is at ease and in Love. My ego is tryna start shit it cannot finish. Anyway, I have the tools to take care of my ego/me/us. It’s like while living the dream, my ego doesn’t feel like it's enough or I am worthy. Even though I know I am enough. And I am worthy. I want us. I Love us. I know I will need to be consciously in Love this time. I know I am making a choice this time. I finally get it, Love is a choice. I want to choose Munene over and over and over forever. Life is Gøod. We are Gøod. I am Gøod. The Universe is Gøod. Love is Gøod. Home is Gøod. Ase. Ase.

[aster-pkmn-irl-real]

new intro just dropped lol

i dont actually like pink that much but its the closest to my current hair color. there was another pinned post before this but it was sucky so im redoing it and its been a while since i updated anyway so yk how it is ------

Hey! My name is Aspen (Don't call me 'Asp' unless I know you.) and I'm currently in my last year of high school at Uva Academy and I'll be attending Nar-Uva for university too. Trying to type this 'properly' but I don't really talk like this online I'm gonna be real. [See above] Things to know about me,,,,, While I currently live in Paldea, I was born and raised in Nimbasa City, and also lived on Ula'ula Island from the ages of 10-14, and I'm currently 17 and I finished up my Island Challenge last year in,,,, I wanna say March? (2023) Got champion rank in like December. (Also 2023) I'm currently in the STEM track at Nar-Uva, with a focus on Health Sciences and Biotechnology. I like cooking, Cyclizar (??? i'll elaborate below) racing, science, and some other stuff. I've been getting more involved in Pokemon battling recently too if you're into that. I don't think there's really much else to mention? I went to Ultra Space that one time, that was. Definitely an interesting experience, to say the least. Would not recommend, lmfao.

anyway heres the list of my pokemon yeah i need a damn list but i love them all

Pebble / Midnight Lycanroc / M

Jitters / Golisopod ✨ / M

Chloro / Lurantis / F

Raja / Great Tusk / M

Hades / Silvally / dw abt it

Mercury / Amped Toxtricity / M

Spitfire / Miraidon / M {So I enjoy racing, yes, but I don't do competitive races on account of my Pokemon being a Miraidon. yk how it is.}

Skully / Houndoom / M

Blizzard / Glaceon ✨ / F

Snappy / Shiny Flygon / F

Cielo / Cyclizar [Spitfire's baby] / F

Edward / Eevee / M

Hibiscus / Jangmo-o / F

technically i'm a dragon specialist but only in alola

i use he/they btw

DNI: blueberry bitches, jellyfish

//OOC section is under the cut, please read that before interacting with this blog. Thanks!

UPDATE AS OF 06/05/2024: This blog is going to be converted to a PKMN IRL Hub! Please see this post for clarification! OOC Section

Aspen is 17 and turning 18 soon but mod is a minor. Behave accordingly.

I do more things with Aspen in a discord RP, and he will likely reference events which occur in said discord RP. Additionally, he has a lot of lore/backstory derived from this RP as well, just something to be aware of.

Regarding the above point; Aspen is a Chosen of Palkia, she will say things on this blog occasionally. This Palkia is not necessarily 'good,' and could be considered cruel at times.

I've got a canon I'm working with, so I may ignore an ask or an interaction if it goes against it strongly.

High stakes won't be a huuuuuge thing on here, I don't see Aspen explicitly talking about his trauma on this blog, but he may refer to past events. Things that are explicitly high stakes will be tagged accordingly.

The in-character DNI is completely a joke out of character! While Aspen may be slightly hostile towards Blueberry Academy centric accounts, he will not be serious, he will be joking! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Blueberry accounts can interact!!

Tags

I can't guarantee that I'll be perfect with these, but I will be trying to tag things according to the below key.

#aspen reblogs ⇌ in-character reblogs

#aspen talks ⇌ in-character posts

#aspen replies ⇌ asks responded to in-character

#ft. palkia ⇌ palkia talking on this blog

#jellyfish and shit ⇌ aspen specific high stakes

Posts about specific Pokemon will be tagged as "#[pokemon name] posting". For example, if Aspen makes a post specifically about his Alolan Raichu, Chip, it will be tagged "#chip posting".

And here's a list of the rest of my blogs!

[blue-eyed-bloodstains]

- May 4th 2023 -

Do you plan your meals in any way? we DoorDash every night so...only planning is what we’re tasting/craving and where from heh

Have you ever been front row at a concert? Which one(s), and how was the experience? not front row

What’s the strongest earthquake you’ve ever experienced? the only one that ever happened near me, apparently I slept like a log right through it but it was bad enough to have everything shake and my stepmom to get out of the house along with her friend. I woke up looking for them and saw them out back. not sure the exact strength of the earthquake given it was just aftershock from one somewhere else

Do you know your best friend’s middle name? yep

If you have a passport, where do you store it for safekeeping? I need one, I don’t have one

What’s your favourite kind of juice and when did you last drink some? orange juice for sure, umm I think it was last month or March

Were you in the scouts when you were young? no

How long are your fingernails right now? as short as they can be, I just cut them last night

Do you like the Scream movies? yeah

What sort of music have you been listening to lately? my usual

Are there any bills you need to pay? yeah

Have you ever been told you look like a celebrity? I don’t believe so, although I always get the “you look familiar” lol

How many people could sleep in your home? (Not counting floor space, beds and couches only) four, two in the bed, one on the couch, one on loveseat

Are you a fast reader? yeah

Do you own a leather jacket? yeah

Is there a university campus in your city or town? no

Who last called you on the phone? Did you pick up? If so, how long did you talk? mom and yeah I did, it wasn’t too long cause she was waiting for my uncle

What grocery store/supermarket do you shop at most frequently? Redner’s, it’s a local family owned grocery store out here

Do you know how to play the card game Hearts? no

Are you a more of a light or heavy sleeper? used to be heavy but it’s light as hell for years now

Have you ever done freelance work? What did you do? no

Name four things you can see right now. cat, phone, tv, fan

Do you charge your phone every day? yeah

Is your washing machine currently running? no.

How’s your energy levels today? low 

Have you ever torn a muscle? no thank god, that sounds painful

Do you have any cereal in your house at the moment? no

When was the last time you went out to eat? Where did you go and who with? it’s been awhile...I think it was Outback with my fiance but I’m not sure

Is the street you live on short, long, or somewhere in the middle? long backroad

Should you be in bed right now? no I’m usually up now