#how do i find it?
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#every fiber of my body just wants to scream#i’m so out of tune with my emotions that i won’t even let the panic reach me#3 years ago i used to be so incredibly overwhelmed by my emotions that i was not able to control them#rather they took a hold on me#and now i’m so out of tune with them that i can’t let things phase me#and i’m not doing it on purpose i seem to have no control once again but now on the contrary side#my subconscious remembers how extremely overwhelming my emotions used to be#that it’s protecting me by not letting them get close to me at all#it’s not that i don’t feel anything#i do#it’s just that as soon as i feel something#my brain automatically lowers it down that i’m not even able to name the emotion i’m feeling anymore#and it is so draining#so draining to the point i don’t actively feel it#i know it’s there but i’m unintentionally keeping myself out my own self?#funny how my black & white theme fits as that’s exactly considered as black & white thinking#i either feel too much or won’t let myself feel anything#i need to find the grey tone#but how#how do i find it?#and ngl if one of you guys actually read everything then please let me know in one way or another lol
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'ao3 needs a like and dislike button'
what you need, my algorithm-rotten minded friend, is a grip
#ao3#archive of our own#what.do.you.MEAN#how do these takes still find me#HOW#'but I only want to read the good stuff' THAT MEANS DIFFERENT THINGS TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE#THERE ARE HIDDEN GEMS YOU WONT EVEN FIND#also you know what you TRULY want? fics recs it's called fic recs but hey cant have that if you dont read THE FUCKING FICS first#imagine thinking fanworks are uniquely for your consumption and products to be ranked on a scale#ANYWAY it just boggles the mind#mine
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i mean fuck, i like pills, i like drugs, i like gettin money, i like strippers, i like to fuck, i like day-drinkin and day parties and hollywood, i like doing hollywood shit— snort it, probably would
#this is based off of a tweet from @egirlpeidona on twitter#diff gif though i couldn’t find the one they used :/#idk how to ss a tweet w a gif so here’s this.. the best i can do LOL#doechii#💬
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(also feel free in the tags to clarify Why you made the choice you made!! :0c)
#polls#tumblr polls#For me I think the top ones would be the House. The Money. or the Friend Group. But I ultimately might would go for the house#JUST becuase it would be my Dream House which means it would already meet mostly all of my specifications#and what I might be looking for. which would save a lot of time searching or customizing/rennovating.#Also because I could use that as a way to leave the US lol.. like .. if I get to choose my dream location.. couldnt I just choose some othe#country?? But I wonder how that works. Can you legally 100% have full ownership of a property in a country yet not be a citizen of that#country?? Would you show up and be like 'erm.. i own this house.. so i shall now live in it' and theyd be like 'uh no. you cant live here#despite owning the house. leave.' ??#So I think the initial process of 1. scraping together funds to actually MOVE myself and my most valuable belongings physically#TO another country. and 2. figuring out how to STAY in that country . might end up being difficult.. BUT. if I could just work that#part of things out then.. dream house?? security for once in my life?? stability?? :0#Though the $1mil is enticing it's also like.. I feel .. with the way housing prices are now... that's not much???#it's a lot I guess if you plan on like.. investing half the money and staying in an apartment for 5 years while you grow your wealth#or something. but if you're a 'I Need Stability NOW' ready to settle down person who would be most interested in owning a property rather#than nice clothes or a car or whatever other investments you could make then.. eh..?? It seems like unless you're okay with living in#a small town or kind of far away from the city - even some SMALL houses in majorly populated areas in the US will be like#$600.000 - $900.000 or something. like that would be MOST of my money. Which I know you could just pay partially and make#payments on it but idk.. in the option of just outright owning the house it seems like it'd end up being cheaper.#Plus I would want to own it fully asap because I'd be afraid of losing it somehow otherwise. like it being taken for medical bills or#something. which I thought was supposed to be - not IMPOSSIBLE - slightly more complicated legally if you actually have#paid off the house in full. I guess the issue then would be utilities and property tax and such. But I feel like thats overcome-able??#Like I could just stipulate that my Dream House has a little furnished addition or something and then find someone#with money and be like 'Look you can live in this extremely nice area with amazing ameneties and updated everything and ALL you have#to do is give me money to cover the utilities and property tax.'' or something like that. Like the little furnished addition is nicer#than the actual house. they have their own pool and spa and movie room or something and Ill also cook all their meals for them#or whatever (how luxurious it would be depeneds on how high the property tax actually is/how much I would need to entice them into#why it's a good deal for them to pay it for me lol). idk... something like that.. ANYWAY#I asked a few people I know though and one of them answered they'd rather have a romantic partner. the other one said they'd like#to be able to choose someone to die lol.. So I'm curious what people value the most
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I want to step away from the art-vs-artist side of the Gaiman issue for a bit, and talk about, well, the rest of it. Because those emotions you're feeling would be the same without the art; the art just adds another layer.
Source: I worked with a guy who turned out to be heavily involved in an international, multi-state sex-slavery/trafficking ring.
He was really nice.
Yeah.
It hits like a dumptruck of shit. You don't feel stable in your world anymore. How could someone you interacted with, liked, also be a truly horrible person? How could your judgement be that bad? How can real people, not stylized cartoon bogeymen, be actually doing this shit?
You have to sit with the fact that you couldn't, or probably couldn't, have known. You should have no guilt as part of this horror — but guilt is almost certainly part of that mess you're feeling, because our brains do this associative thing, and somehow "I liked [the version of] the guy [that I knew]", or his creations, becomes "I made a horrible mistake and should feel guilty."
You didn't, loves, you didn't.
We're human, and we can only go by the information we have. And the information we have is only the smallest glimpse into someone else's life.
I didn't work closely with the guy I knew at work, but we chatted. He wasn't just nice; he was one of the only people outside my tiny department who seemed genuinely nice in a workplace that was rapidly becoming incredibly toxic. He loaned me a bike trainer. Occasionally he'd see me at the bus stop and give me a lift home.
Yup. I was a young woman in my twenties and rode in this guy's car. More than once.
When I tell this story that part usually makes people gasp. "You must feel so scared about what could have happened to you!" "You're so lucky nothing happened!"
No, that's not how it worked. I was never in danger. This guy targeted Korean women with little-to-no English who were coerced and powerless. A white, fluent, US citizen coworker wasn't a potential victim. I got to be a person, not prey.
Y'know that little warning bell that goes off, when you're around someone who might be a danger to you? That animal sense that says "Something is off here, watch out"?
Yeah, that doesn't ping if the preferred prey isn't around.
That's what rattled me the most about this. I liked to think of myself as willing to stand up for people with less power than me. I worked with Japanese exchange students in college and put myself bodily between them and creeps, and I sure as hell got that little alarm when some asian-schoolgirl fetishist schmoozed on them. But we were all there.
I had to learn that the alarm won't go off when the hunter isn't hunting. That it's not the solid indicator I might've thought it was. That sometimes this is what the privilege of not being prey does; it completely masks your ability to detect the horrors that are going on.
A lot of people point out that 'people like that' have amazing charisma and ability to lie and manipulate, and that's true. Anyone who's gotten away with this shit for decades is going to be way smoother than the pathetic little hangers-on I dealt with in university. But it's not just that. I seriously, deeply believe that he saw me as a person, and he did not extend personhood to his victims. We didn't have a fake coworker relationship. We had a real one. And just like I don't know the ins-and-outs of most of my coworkers lives, I had no idea that what he did on his down time was perpetrate horrors.
I know this is getting off the topic, but it's so very important. Especially as a message to cis guys: please understand that you won't recognize a creep the way you might think you will. If you're not the preferred prey, the hind-brain alarm won't go off. You have to listen to victims, not your gut feeling that the person seems perfectly nice and normal. It doesn't mean there's never a false accusation, but face the fact that it's usually real, and you don't have enough information to say otherwise.
So, yeah. It fucking sucks. Writing about this twists my insides into tense knots, and it was almost a decade ago. I was never in danger. No one I knew was hurt!
Just countless, powerless women, horrifically abused by someone who was nice to me.
You don't trust your own judgement quite the same way, after. And as utterly shitty as it is, as twisted up and unstead-in-the-world as I felt the day I found out — I don't actually think that's a bad thing.
I think we all need to question our own judgement. It makes us better people.
I don't see villains around every corner just because I knew one, once. But I do own the fact that I can't know, really know, about anyone except those closest to me. They have their own full lives. They'll go from the pinnacles of kindness to the depths of depravity — and I won't know.
It's not a failing. It's just being human. Something to remember before you slap labels on people, before you condemn them or idolize them. Think about how much you can't know, and how flawed our judgement always is.
Grieve for victims, and the feeling of betrayal. But maybe let yourself off the hook, and be a bit slower to skewer others on it.
#listen to old auntie Shades#serious#fuck I don't know how to tag this#I should probably read-more this but I'm not sure where#and now I need to go take a walk for my stupid mental health#you never stop processing#you do it over and over and over and over#and hope it gets a bit easier each time#Someone might get upset by using prey#but 'preferred prey' is an important concept from the predator's view#it doesn't mean the people are inherently prey#you feel me?#it's the best word I can find for the concept#neil gaiman#adjacent
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#i don't believe that people for serious reasons sort their books any way but by author#and then obviously by release date/series within that#i am being told that i am being JUDGY#also if you sort your books any other way HOW DO YOU FIND THEM#i really need to know#polls#can't believe i forgot to include genre in here
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unsung benefit i think a lot of ppl are sleeping on with using the public library is that i think its a great replacement for the dopamine hit some ppl get from online shopping. it kind of fills that niche of reserving something that you then get to anticipate the arrival of and enjoy when it arrives, but without like, the waste and the money.
#im not much of an online shopper myself but i do find that the feeling i get from browsing the library catalogue to place holds#is the same i get from figuring out how to spend a gift card
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something something parallels
#naruto uzumaki#obito uchiha#sasuke uchiha#kakashi hatake#naruto#naruto fanart#nart#apparently thats a tag for naruto art#i didn't fucking know that wow#how cute#anyway#doodles#rin version next#maybe#idk#drawing rin is fun but it's also very hard for me sometimes#she's just ye old plain looking girly but in a very 'oh ur so pretty' way y'kno#kakashi mi babygirl#she's also very different from sakura#so if i find any similarities aside from 'healer girl in the team' i'll do it#sns#obkk
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being a writer is so wild. Like I could make Shrek and Captain America kiss if I wanted
#Sorry emu#sorry everyone tbh#How do I even tag this post#i think the less people that find it#The better
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listen I know it's heartbreaking that Claudia dies and it's understandable to wish she didn't, but let's please not accuse the writers of fridging her. to do so is a fundamental misunderstanding of the story and is frankly insulting to the intelligence and skill of the writers of the show.
Claudia's death, and the overwhelming grief and regret her parents experience because of it, is quite literally the point of the entire story. she dies because Anne's daughter Michele died of leukemia when she was five years old and there was nothing she or her husband could do to prevent it.
writing IWTV was how Anne coped with the unimaginable loss of a parent losing her child. she created a story about a little girl that could not die and then killed her anyway. Claudia's death is a senseless, unavoidable tragedy, just like Michele's was. the grief that haunts Louis and Lestat for the rest of their lives is the same grief that haunted Anne and her husband.
so when you're accusing people of killing Claudia off to benefit a story about two men, please remember that in real life sometimes parents lose their children. please remember Michele Rice.
she's the reason Claudia exists.
she's also the reason Claudia cannot be saved.
#interview with the vampire#claudia de lioncourt#iwtv#lestat de lioncourt#louis de pointe du lac#saw some rancid takes on twitter and i just can't not say something#like how do you encounter a story so clearly about the fathomless grief that comes with losing a child and blaming your partner and yoursel#and somehow finding a way to live again after years and years of suffering--not forgetting NEVER forgetting--but living and loving again#and go 'the writers just hate women. claudia should never have died'#like you're right that Claudia shouldn't have died. Michele shouldn't have died either.#but she did. and so Claudia did. and her parents will never stop grieving her.#iwtv spoilers
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my top bit of advice going into the new year: compliment people. especially strangers. literally everyone you interact with if you can. when you buy coffee in the morning compliment the barista's tattoos. when you're chatting with a coworker tell them that by the way you like their outfit. always find something they've chosen to do on purpose. nail polish, jewellery, tattoos, hair colour/style, statement accessory, outfit, etc are all good bets. things people hope will be noticed. things that aren't too personal so it doesn't make them uncomfortable (eg probably not their physical features). i've gotten into the habit of scanning everyone i talk to for something about them that i think is cool so i can tell them. it's a great habit because it makes me notice people and realise just how many neat little details there are in people's presentation of themselves that might pass me by if i wasn't paying attention. and it brings out so much joy. you'd be surprised how much it disarms people to receive an unexpected compliment from someone they don't know. it is the most sincere smile you will see all day long. it feels nice to make people happy but it also means you win the social interaction. establish dominance by complimenting a stranger's earrings and disappearing into the fog
#rookposting#the little 'oh!' followed by a big grin is now my highlight in every interaction i have with a stranger#you can always spot the things people hope will be noticed and you have no idea how happy it makes people when it gets noticed#i find it's always better to compliment things they did deliberately vs complimenting stuff like their voice or their face or other things#that are inherent or they cant change because that can make people uncomfortable for one thing to hear that from a stranger#but it's also just less meaningful imo because they didnt do that on purpose
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quick megumi style study
#my art#jjk#jujutsu kaisen#fushiguro megumi#jjk fanart#megumi fushiguro#i LOVE trying to 1:1 art styles it's such a fun challenge#and it appeals to me bc i love deception and lying for sport and trying 2 mold all aspects of myself in2 something else#trying to draw like gege felt like trying 2 forge someone's signature and trying 2 draw like the anime felt like going against all instinct#theres NO midtones in the anime shading i was like. is this it. surely this cant b All the shadows i am allowed#cell shading without blended areas feels so wrong 2 me#and the shape of his hair.....he looks so silly......why does he look like that.....#i was fighting the urge to 'fix' it w every bone in my body#rly opened my eyes to just how many favours i do him in my art style#i will happily bear the burden of being megumi's hairbrush good god he needs it#it's not so egregious in gege's style bc it's all so blocky and angular everywhere + the b/w balances out w negative space#w trying 2 replicate gege's style i think my main challenge was finding a good brush dupe to mimic his crosshatching#my current render style is all over the place tbh im not even sure i'm super happy with my own which is kinda embarrassing#i think im in an in between phase that's neither smooth nor rough so i try to lean in2 the messiness to make it look intentional#instead of confused#but overall i think i did rly well in that i like these all ok and i had fun smile :)#maybe ill do th other first years
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was anyone gonna tell me shadow saved rouge's life in sa2 or was I just supposed to find that out playing the game myself
(this worked out as a rather fitting closer for the Final Day in Year of Shadow haha, hope ya'll have a fun new year! 🎉🎉🎉)
#happy new year!#closing 2024 with an actual honest to god comic layout I know I'm shocked too#that scene wasn't in the fandub and that's all I'd ever seen so it was a Fun Surprise!#shadow the hedgehog#rouge the bat#sonic#sonic adventure 2#sa2#my art#doodles#comic#no words though! rare form#fun fact the white jungle route is the Only route I ever executed Flawlessly first try#just give me a good countdown and suddenly I know how to play video games#and a fun one too! love the Drama#fun fact originally his dash was green since i assumed he was teleporting around as usual#but my friend pointed out he actually didn't have an emerald on him at the time#which meant if he Didn't find rouge in time or if she Didn't have an emerald they were Both going to die#which is Excellent fun#I do have a shitposty bonus to this because of course I do but we'll see if I have time to make it tonight or not haha#if I was a Little better laying this out the final panel would've centered under panel 2 shadow's hand#tragically it was late enough in the game when I got to that point I didn't want to fuck with the layout anymore#maybe next time I make a comic layout in 4 years!
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last night i had a dream that i was playing minecraft and i noticed i had 77 blocks of cobblestone in one slot instead of it being capped at 64 and it was so jarring to me that it literally booted me out of the dream. like sure you can fly now and your childhood home is a pharmacy but 77 pieces of cobblestone? unthinkable. wake the fuck up.
#minecraft#tagged so i can find it ig#PROBABLY MEANS I PLAY TOO MUCH MINECRAFT TBH#IT WAS 77 COBBLESTONE DO U UNDERSTAND HOW JARRING THAT WAS#IT LEGIT WOKE ME UP BC I WAS LIKE 'that cant fucking happen.'#shark talks#l
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The transition from eating someone out of unthinking desperation (Jackie) to by choice out of necessity (Javi) to choice out of punishment (Ben) to presumably choice out of self-preservation is such a chef’s kiss. What a microcosm of society. We had to. We had to. We had to. You could never understand that we had to.
Had to just means so many different things.
#yellowjackets#yj spoilers#I am so stuck on how they did not NEED to eat Ben#not yet#but they did out of vengeance toward nat specifically#for taking the choice away from the team#and since we know they aren’t rescued for months yet#I assume they also will kill and eat these people who find them#out of panic about what will be said about them#out of fear of what will be done to them if found out#and I think they only CAN do that#because they’ve already made the choice with Ben#not the wilderness at all. not anymore.#this is all them. because as shauna said#‘it was always just us’
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wave with his critters
#transformers#maccadam#tf g1#soundwave#ravage#rumble#frenzy#my art#finding out about all these little guys after watching g1 have changed my brain chemistry#also ravage sweetie i love you but i do NOT appreciate that because of you i now have to learn how to draw catsðŸ˜ðŸ˜#i can quickly learn how to draw robots whom ive never drawn in my life but CATS??? UGHðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
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