#how did i use to read almost only angsty shit i cannot live like this anymore

[theacoded]

me when i conveniently skipped over crimson rivers and art heist baby in my jegulus marathon months ago because i’m actually a baby that hates angst but i’m about to start crimson rivers now because i’m also a bastard that doesn’t value mental stability

[m4nd0l0r]

Deviation of Self.

Description: The tarnations of his past are unescapable in every twist and turn. He realizes, it always will haunt him— and be the only way he can survive with everything he oh so desires.

Ship: Sith! (disguised as a Jedi) Five Hargreeves x Jedi! (GN!) Reader (Star Wars AU) (Implied Force Bond between the two)

Word Count: 2.2k+

Author’s note: WARNING! This deals with the topics of death and some form of a character study for Five (kind of) it can be triggering for ppl so please view with discretion!! i finally managed to finish this holy shit 😭😭 writer’s block once again came in to kick me in the ass, sending me to a thousand lightyears away from the earth itself- so that means i’m not sure how angsty this is— anyway i hope you enjoy reading this nonetheless!! (i might write other oneshots for this au- depends on it how it goes honestly SKSK) (if i do, that banner will be overused ASF im not making a new one mark my words—)

Dictionary ( i did say i’d do this so uh even if most ppl would know these info i’ll still add it for the sake of not confusing ppl :D): Force Bonds: a connection between two force sensitives or force users Force: basically the power used by both sith and jedi Sith: dark side users (usual villains) Jedi: light side users (usual heroes) Lightsaber: (we all know what this is cmon now /lh) weapons of force users

(Five is physically and somewhat mentally 18 in this fic!!)

Five Taglist: @ells-graveyard @noahspector @aelinismyqueen @sunweee @fivelegance @ne0boss @twauna00 @placidpluto @eichenhouseproperty @heartsforsuyin @ghostlywavelengths @ghostlycherryblossomwonderland @seconds-not-decades @coolcatlover4 @emotionally-unstabel @peachy-wolfhard @its-loki-bitch @raven-fandomtrash @theilliterateskankula @magicstrange @venusrambles @whereintheworldisspencerreid @honeycombdumbass @kazuive @oscarisaacsleftballsack @zenithinthebin @peachteeaaa @rchaoz @wickedmystery @wordsandnerds @umbrellatte @666abby6666 @iameddiemunsonshair @starlightinhumanform @vennythearsonist @trashmouthsahra @crinklypink @halfumbrella @wifeofcamillamacaulay (if you want to be removed/added, pls tell me via pm!!)

What plagues— haunts the boy like a lifeline that injects through his bloodstream; a river of horror plated right at his wide eyes. Voices, cries spread upon each sleep he takes, dreams morphing into nightmares, and faces become even more obscure with each step he takes. 

Five watches your chest rise up.. and down.. He wants- wishes he could brush even his knuckles softly to your skin, to feel your almost lively warmth. But he can’t risk it— he shouldn’t. 

Another lifeline to watch, to care for. To make sure you don’t fade out like blaring sirens from afar. His eyes were weary, yet he doesn’t stop watching you breathe. Seeing you inhale and exhale gave him comfort- that he was truly here with you— that you were here with him alive. 

His hand clenching through his glove, a horrible noise squeaks out from his fist. He cannot indulge in such, even if it were his key to calmness. Even if he almost lost you— even if he wants to take it, to open the lock for himself to drown into. Into the closeness that others crave from another. 

Was this the reason why others indulged in such things? Why would he hear and see people say that they would die for it— would risk themselves for one puff of smoke- a drop from the same dazzling liquid he wishes he now possesses or a pop from a pill? Just to get a taste of release from reality- through the dreaded bitterness? To access something- that peace they all crave— the very thing his and your own masters hoarded away from them? 

He didn’t bother to try to comfort you from what happened— he could tell you were trying to stray from it, to think of something else. And he respected that— because he does not want to talk about it either. 

The night ended with your kiss on his cold cheek, a warm breeze to a cold evening. He merely closes his eyes, letting it etch unto his mind, your actions almost frail and so weakened from fatigue. 

Breathing in deep, the Sith wishes to reach closer- to not be this far— for serenity to come into his mind, and he knows he will not regret. 

But he knows you would not want that. You do not need that- you need rest, he tells himself. Selfishness was something he cannot afford right now, not when he was already so hours ago. 

As if a root digs into his body, sprouting a seed to invade his senses. He only hopes your dreams are better. Better than the crumpling of flesh Five can’t get out of his head. Crack crack. It goes. 

He then takes another deep breath, his eyes now closing. 

The scraping of his glove to the hilt of his lightsaber chimes to him, as if he was trying to find comfort from it. But silence only rings like a drum in an empty parade. Fatigue rushing through him, from the sides of his head, to his palms— he wouldn’t be so disoriented if he just slept. Five tells himself off— his free hand cups his forehead, trying to lessen the wrinkles forming. 

You hum in your sleep, and he only tiredly smiles from the sound. Rustling is heard as you adjust your head further unto the comforts of your pillow, your hair now strung across the sheet. Whenever you slept quietly- in past missions- like a mouse playing dead under its captor’s whim, it scared him. 

He had to fight the urge to press his ear onto your back- or your chest, just so he could hear your heart pumping- your lungs breathing in and out. 

He preferred hearing it truly from you, not just a dislocated song from the Force, but he decided to settle watching instead- your chest rising and falling smoothly, with a few hiccups and snores. He will take what he can, but he doesn’t mind.

He prefered to hear such noises rather than the deathly quiet. 

Your breathing fades out, he fizzles out from reality, somewhere eerily quiet- more ‘stable’— rather than your tired huffs in your sleep. He doesn’t fight it off- and only lets himself be drowned to those noises- to forget. 

However he does not. He can never forget, he never will. Five merely hates himself— for not being strong enough- that he wasn’t quick enough to be by your side as he needs- wants to be. 

And he couldn’t accept it, rather he searches for another solution- an equation that simply something that he cannot solve nor exists entirely. 

-x-

He could feel the wind flare through his cheeks, as if it were fire and its purpose was to burn him alive. He could smell the scent of rotting flesh- even when all that remained were destroyed droids and the whiff of singed electrical wires- the same stench that bore through his hands as he picked up scraps out of the hands of the fallen. 

“Five..?” You choked out in short breaths. “Shit… shit..” It was hard to take in air— the pain in your chest- blood seeping from your hands, the adrenaline sinks into your veins. Your hand bloody from your own, almost paralyzing you to the point the feeling of your flesh pulsing- trying to stitch itself together when it simply cannot— it was numbing.

“I ‘ll be— be fine-“ You spill out- but he can’t feel his throat open to say anything. Silence only fills his guts, and lingers through the air. Fear takes his thoughts away, and leaves only irrationality. But he wishes he could let out something- to scream out to you that you need to live— that he was here- and he won’t ever dare to leave. 

He knew it pains you, that it cuts you deeply like a gash. He feels it with you— the bond formed by the Force for the both of you has him want to vomit- the pain was burning, sickening even. It made him feel as if he were being lit on fire— The flames eating him alive.

Yet, as you suffer so, you did not scrunch your face nor you let out another wail of pain— you only formed a smile. One that wants him to think that you’re fine with this— that he isn’t losing you. 

He at first thought you were letting yourself calm through of the teachings of the Jedi, to not be afraid of death. But he knows you more than Pogo, you were fearful, paranoid. You do not wish to know what could be beyond this plane of existence. You don’t want to die trying to. 

And he doesn't want that for you either.

He feels— no, hears from the sorrowful chants of the Force. You were fading like mist— your pulse lowers.. thump.. thump… Your own heartbeat trickles out as if your own life force was nothing but dew in the aftermath of rain, the beginning of the end of a storm. 

It was getting slower, quieter— it was terrifying. Different from what he has heard in this fight— It was one that seemingly has him sweat to the point he would feel fear. It was organic, evidence that a real fragment of a soul- a life, was slipping from his hands— and he did not know what to do. 

His master would know— Not Pogo, Not even Reginald who he despised from the Order— but her. She knew what to do, she taught him, before sending him to the Jedi to foil their pathetic teachings. To let the galaxy know that they were nothing but witches who love deceit. 

The Handler has known many things, after all- she has once prophesized an inevitable doom carries itself all over the wasteland. He felt a shiver from his spine, and it wasn’t from the sheer temperatures. His mind could wrap only on apprehension. Palms were sweating, and he was sure his stomach was feeling sick. 

He only sees what will be the only remains of the galaxy. Nothing but the remnants of havoc. Despair has taken out its sickle and planted death across the soil, sinking unto the roots of life, killing the undeserving. But that is how the cycle is, one fails so another could prosper. And those who remain- undiminished- will wilt, like autumn had just passed. 

Stars- he didn’t want to remember- not here, not again— he would rather be elsewhere than come back to this dizzying remnants of that pathetic rock, into that terror that still plague his days. He wished he could burn his eyes off- to never see these, but his mind would not resist in torturing him.

Because the only thing Five can see is the tomorrow his master had prophesied. And even if he would burn his own eyes off, that will be the only thing he’ll be able to remember under his own eyelids. 

He did not want to taint you with the same things she has done to him. The vileness of the Dark Side tortured him, made him bleed and has consumed his entire being that each time he tries to focus on using the Light Side to appease Pogo- he is never sure if he managed to mask the evil from him. 

He jogs his mind— Not letting panic fully settle in his mind— and cave in rather than logic- than coherence. His hand subconsciously reaches out, and he lets in the dark. 

He is a seed that lives on in this barren dirt. One that sprouted unto a wooden tool; unearthing what could be saved- the weeds that are believed to have dried off, yet are still flourishing; he preserves the things that persist. In that case, it would be resources, plants unaffected by radiation, little rodents, any source of life, he will take it to safety. That is his mission, not from his master nor the order that he wishes he could detest but he just can’t.

He has to help you— save you. Because, what is the point of his power? If he cannot use it for his gain? 

He is again a boy chained to the ideals that were never his- that were injected deep into his mind to harness the deep desires of his master, and those before him. Channeling his anger, his fury— he then heals. 

Watching your flesh stitch itself back together, your breathing stronger than before, and your heart- thank the Force- was beating quicker— 

You were alive, breathing and beating as one, that is all that mattered to him. Your eyes drooped from exhaustion, but he did not mind, you do not need to see his eyes change color from the green you know. 

And as he steadies your resting form by the side, he turns on his back. 

He does not hear multiple pulses, ones that seemingly shakes his mind to the point he would feel guilt once his saber goes through their skin.

He only hears metal wiring, gears clunking unto each other, orders played out all over again in their databases, and the hissing of buffers that gives life to these things— to have each and every one of these disposable fighters be programmed to fight a war it does not know it was born for. 

He spins his scalding blue lightsaber in his gloved hand, readying himself. Lips pursed as his mouth dries- the terrors that sinks into his skin, it is what creeps into his consciousness every moment. 

His pupils- once was verdant— now have grown tired, horrified, it became a sickly yellow, flames- fury tormented his soul, and what used to show his kindness, his true self, has now been clouded with the wrath he has been trained to use against others.

The impact of his blade rang unto the metal plate of the Commission droids. His breath hitches excitedly, an almost surprised grin plastered on his face. 

An electric buzz hummed through the wind, His plasma saber as his source of light- he only sees the material shine of the humanoid creations, his hand raises up high, locked into a fist as he shoves them all to the side, watching them break into little pieces, all sliding off like wet paint splattered onto a canvas. His saber cuts through each of their parts— screws and wires scrunched and charred fall to the dirty ground. 

BZZT! WZZT! The droids cry out— but he feels no sympathy, he does not speak, nor does he try to overthink. You will be fine now, he thinks, you won’t know. Because if you did, he would not know what to do. 

But he sees what you would do. What you would say. It rushes through him like acid on metal, and it sickens him so. 

“I never thought that I..” You would only let other words fill your throat. “.. I would see you become the very thing we, no— I swore to destroy.” 

He forcefully takes him out of his delusion- focusing on the sound of your heart again. It was so calm and collected- and it tried to give him peace. 

But peace is not enough to simmer the madness, after all, Five was no Jedi. 

He feels it swell deep into the remnants of his heart from his own thoughts. The same madness his master told him to hide in order to slip in through the blind eyes of the people. 

He now merely tunes out the singing— the crying of these automatons— the liveliness of the dark Force that rushes through his veins like some sort of bacta salve- and he is greeted with cold, metallic silence as wires burn around him. 

[1ddotdhq]

🧙‍♂️ Wed Sept 23 ‘20 🦁

Z3 Z3 Z3 Z3 Z3 HOLY SHIT Z3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, I’m not certain about an album, but we’re definitely getting a single on Friday! I’m just keeping my hopes up! Um, okay. How do I start? So at 9:30 am EST (or 2:30 pm BST, depending on where in the world he is!) Zayn dropped a teaser trailer for a new song, with the caption #better, which is the name of the song! This follows last night's movement, where he changed his Spotify header, as well as his twitter icon. I’m gonna be honest here: when I saw his new twitter profile picture, I thought it was a picture of Liam and I was SO! CONFUSED! But it’s not! It’s Zayn pulling an angsty face that Liam often pulls in HIS modeling gigs, so it looks like they have a similar bag of tricks haha! ANYWAYS, the song will drop on Friday, 9/25!!! Place your bets: will the song or the baby drop first??? 

If THAT wasn’t enough Zayn movement, he posted a SPONSORED AD for the new Harry Potter game both on Instagram AND on twitter (both at 7 am EST), and then he did a taped ad for it, too! It...looks to be some wizarding version of Candy Crush, but you know nerd!Zayn and his Harry Potter tattoo - he only had good things to say about it: “[During quarantine] I’ve been doing...music, recording, painting, but my main pastimes has been playing games, and that’s how, like, I keep in touch with my friends...you get to choose which House you want to be put in. I picked Gryffindor...so yeah, it’s really cool.” He says he likes Gryffindor because he’s always been drawn to “the hero types”. Sounds like the start of a bad rom com, doesn’t it? 

Anyways! Zayn’s not the only one that has spent his quarantine making music, painting, and gaming: LIAM went live at 8 am BST to do his promised zoom meetings with fans and announce that his rewatch show is on Saturday the 26th at 8 am BST. Oddly enough, Harry Potter (and the new game!) was a major talking point in this live. Before we get further into the discussion, the Intern would like to say that JKR is a massive TERF and I think we should be reading queer fantasy novels and uplifting the queer community rather than focusing on her worlds/making he more profit, but that discourse didn’t come up in Liam’s live, funnily enough! What did come up? Well...the online games did! Someone in the chat said: “What’s your Hogwarts House?” and Liam (love him lots) took that as an invitation to talk about the new Harry Potter games: “I’ve done a lot of those online...like, online Harry Potter games (so has Zayn!), and I always end up in either Gryffindor or Hufflepuff, but no one wants to be in Hufflepuff...I want to be a lion”. And then - and I cannot make this up - he GROWLED. Those hero types, huh? Can’t do a thing about them!  He also suggested that he do a Harry Potter watch along in his next live, and guys, it takes me long enough to get through his lives taking notes NOW, MY HANDS WILL NOT SURVIVE A TWO HOUR LIVE. 

Other fun moments from the live show included his reveal (slip?) that he did not live with Maya! When asked what his morning routine was, he said it was “to get up in the biggest mood ever and then hope he has an hour to himself before he sees anyone”. But? That would almost CERTAINLY not be the case if you had a live in girlfriend! He also gave a brief reaction to Harry’s Calm story, and had a bant with Conor (his cameraman) about it (“Imagine you’re in the tour bus,” Conor said. “Shut UP! You’re RuInINg it for ME.”). Also, the chat told Liam to tell Niall to “strip that down”, to which Liam replied: “Niall’s been stripping it down a lot at the moment! he’s been stripping it down a lot! I’ve seen his Instagram stories, and I know it’s hot at the moment but the shirt has been off 24/7, which used to be my tactic.” Niall, even LIAM wants you to put a shirt on, buddy, so idk what to tell you. He also said, about Bear, that “he’s fantastic! [He’s] a sweet, lovely little boy, and I don’t know how that happened, given that he’s my son. Must get it from his mother ‘cuz it’s not from me!” He mentioned - again - doing a paint along with fans, as he’s ALSO been doing a lot of painting during quarantine. What do you think I would have to do for a joint Ziam paint along live?  And he was  unsure if “te amo” was a real thing in Spanish. Yes, Liam, it is, y te amo a ti también!! 

And, if that were a normal day, that would be it! That’s more than enough after all, but NOPE! No rest for the wicked, I guess, so on we go: 

Harry was seen shooting his music video in Italy in a white V-neck nightshirt that could be seen billowing in the wind as he ran dramatically. New pictures also show him in a long purple nightgown and a fedora, as well as driving a little speedboat (with a bright, Vespa blue interior) off of the Italian coast. As far as I can tell, his rings are not back (probably a smart choice, given the amount of handwashing he’s hopefully doing) but his pearl necklace is (love to see it!). In one of the boat pictures, he can be seen on his phone, either taking a picture or on a facetime call, but I, personally, hope he brings photographer!H back, too! Gotta tell you, and I know we said it for Watermelon Sugar, but I really hope this is a continuation of the Eroda universe - any comments @/visiteroda?  Fan reports say that his Italian is very good, and that he’s kind. Nothing new there, but always great to hear it! 

AND! In a ONE DEE DISCOURSE EXCLUSIVE: I can reveal ~exclusively~ that Nick Gordon, of yesterday’s clown car, has a TWIN BROTHER, named Nathan! Good bye Gretchen, Tina, and Eleanor and HELLO Nathan and Nick. Imagine the shenanigans that they can pull with THIS in their back pocket! The thing is - the more we learn about the situation, the less we seem to know - TMZ reports that Nick and Briana have had an on again off again relationship for the last ten years, but Nick Gordon has had a long term girlfriend for at least three of those ten years, until they broke it off last year! In fact, TMZ continued in a bemused tone, BRIANA has been seen with multiple men over the course of the last year. Guess they were VERY off, huh?

[stxleslyds]

MY TOUGHTS ON PART TWO OF RED HOOD BY CHIP ZDARSKY :)

A DC BOOK THAT TASTES LIKE MARVEL.

You know when you are reading a book and you feel like the story you are reading seems familiar but not really within the context you are reading it at the moment? If you can’t shake the wrong sense of familiarity you search for what it probably the biggest give away, the author.

Here it’s something like that; I have read other pieces of Chip Zdarsky’s work, namely Daredevil. While I could tell you the familiarity is there, in the subject of guilt after taking the life of another person, the reality is that this book doesn’t taste like Daredevil, it tastes like Marvel.

That can be either an excellent thing (because Marvel has amazing books) or something terrible (because DC isn’t Marvel and they don’t work the same way).

As of now I can’t really tell if this Red Hood story is going to be one or the other, but I can tell you that it feels out of place in the DC universe, or at least that’s how I see it. I will explore this particular thought later, I just thought this was a nice way to open this post.

If you would like to read the first post I made about this book I will leave the link here!

Now…let’s begin.

Part two picks up exactly where part one left off, we see Jason calling Oracle so she can bring the police to the place where Jason killed Andy a.ka. that gigantic piece of shit.

Jason is having some thoughts, ones that I think are important.

“I have taken lives before, a lot of them. I have killed guys knowing nothing about them except that they had guns and murder in their hearts. Those ones are easy; I don’t have to think of their mothers getting the news or of kids being...”

Jason is troubled. He is now in front of a reality that he never truly thought about but to be honest with you I strongly believe that nobody in the DC universe thinks beyond what happens in front of them, that’s just how fictional comic worlds are designed.

Anyway, there is a little something that bothers me in this inner monologue of his, like since when have “murderers” been Jason’s actual target? Like Joker was his target but he didn’t kill him, the base of Jason’s morals when it comes to killing has always been drugs, most importantly if you sell drugs to kids. So unless he is saying “murderers” because they were selling drugs that caused people (especially kids) to overdose then I don’t really get what is going on.

Another thing that I also talked about in the first post is that Jason hasn’t killed in a very long time, this man has been sticking to the Bats rule for so long that it’s actually unreal. Even when he shot the penguin and Batman proceeded to almost beat Jason to death the penguin hadn’t died. So once again I am thinking that Zdarsky has some info that he is not sharing right now or maybe he just didn’t read Lobdell's run (in which case, can you really blame him?)

Now let me talk about the other part of his monologue “…I don’t have to think of their mothers getting the news or of kids being...” This is something that I haven’t seen in DC, direct consequences after a hero/vigilante does something, and let me tell you it feels out of place. Is it a good or bad thing? I don’t really know but I have some thoughts on the subject.

I think it's unfair to put a comic character in that situation or dilemma. Jason has basically three reactions to the same situation and they are all valid, but can this situation be handled by a fictional person in a fictional world? Because to be fair I could also ask about the criminals that are put in hospitals after they are beat up by heroes, what if they die in the hospital? Is the hero a killer or does it fall on the hospital? If a criminal cannot pay for the attention given to them in hospitals and they immediately go back to criminal activity to pay for those things, are heroes a good thing? If the Joker bombs a hospital for the third time in four months and Batman does the same thing (take joker to Arkham) only for Joker to escape and do it again, is Batman as guilty as the Joker for the deaths of innocent people or not?

As I wrote it and as I read it again I see that it is a crazy thought because you can simply add more depth to the characters decisions and the consequences that would ensue because of them, but Gotham is a fictional city created to establish that crime is off the charts and that they need Batman because no amount of resources will be able to fix this city’s problems. So putting Jason in this position is new to me…but only in DC (more of this particular thought below).

Going back to the comic in question, I feel like Jason had the answers and the ideas all in his head. In this issue alone he basically says that if the mother does not pull through the boy will be alone, but alone means going into the system (a horrible system that Jason does not trust and needs improvement), but also, Jason recognizes that if the mother died and the father was left alive then that man would have done horrendous stuff. I just simply wouldn't believe that a man that gave drugs to both his wife and son so they wouldn't bother him is just going to change after realizing that his wife died because of him. Even less believable is him becoming an amazing father.

In the big scheme of things, Jason has killed people who fitted very certain characteristics, never innocents (bye, Morrison). What happens after the killing is done? We don’t know because past stories have never focused on that (criminals in comics are by default one dimensional, villains are not)

But here is the thing, Zdarsky is a Marvel writer and Marvel has gone in depth within those situations (like what happens after heroes commit mistakes or kill someone) mostly with Civil War by Mark Millar and more recently in Daredevil written by Chip Zdarsky, but DC hasn't and DC has been plain for a long time, DC doesn't really explain how batman hurts people severely and nothing happens beyond that.

What I am trying to say is that Zdarsky is going for a different and unique route for Jason here but I think the story is out of place in the DC universe.

I promise I am done with those thoughts, they were really difficult to put on paper and to make them make sense, so I apologize if I only confused you, sorry!

Anyway! After the monologue is done we have a flashback where little Jason is being told by his mother to go buy bread (the only thing they can afford) but she is also making him leave so he doesn’t have to be present when Robby (a friend if you ask Jason’s mom, a drug dealer if you ask Jason) comes to the apartment to help her.

Sadly as Jason is leaving Robby is walking up the stairs, now not to copy little Jason but fuck Robby. Jason’s issues with drugs, drug dealing and overdosing is once again shown here but what is also shown is the violence that comes with it. Jason being terrified for himself (and his mother) as Robby pulls a knife on him broke my heart and as he is left there in the corridor to his apartment all we can see is a defeated little boy and that shit hurts a lot.

After that we jump back to the future with none other than Batgod…I mean Batman. Batman is following a man called Sydney and apparently he disappointed Batman because B told him to stop being a criminal, like come on man if I ask nicely or if I break both of your arms you will surely stop, right? Yeah, no.

I feel like I mentioned something about this while my brain decided that DC never usually explains what happens with criminals after they get caught or killed and now here we are. Consequences. Batman scares a man off of working for Scarecrow but the man still needs to work (does he have a family to provide for? We don’t know. Does he do it because it’s the only job he can get? We don’t know.)

This Batman intermission ends up with Oracle telling him that Jason might be in trouble.

So we find ourselves back with Jason and Tyler in his safe house, Zdarsky does not hesitate and first thing he does is give us a couple of very angsty panels.

I love the way it hurts.

Jason honey, my sweet chonky boy…what are you doing?

Well at least I am not the only one asking that because Jason is having a moment to reflect about what has happened, what is happening and what could happen in the future. In this monologue he says the following:

“Dammit, Jason, what the hell are you doing? You can’t take care of this kid! But you can’t put him in the system either! Just waiting for some obsessed militaristic billionaire to adopt him? Dammit. His dad was scum, he hurt Tyler, he hurt his mom. But if Tyler’s mom doesn’t pull through…I just made this kid an orphan. He is my responsibility, he is too young to really see what he’s gone through, he can still be saved…unlike…”

Yeah that’s some really angsty thoughts, he is really going through it and I understand it. He lost his cool after what that horrible human being said he did and killed him and now he has to face the consequences of his actions, he recognizes that if the boy is left truly alone he will have to step up…but here is the thing, does Jason really want that? It seems to me like Jason is deeply against the idea of children working as heroes, and here he is as an adult that is a vigilante with an impressionable child that sees the Red Hood as his hero, I don’t know, it looks like the perfect recipe for a disaster.

But we don’t get to see what Jason does right away because its flashback time.

Jason only moved from his spot in the corridor of his apartment door to get the bread but as Robby comes out of said door Jason is there waiting. Robby teases that he and Jason’s mom ended up sharing the “medicine” and that she will be sleeping for a long time, and that seems to be it for Jason because next thing you know Robby is falling down the stairs.

Aw, shit.

Jason from the future continues his monologue while he remembers what happened on those stairs.

“I never had a chance, not for one second. But he does, Tyler has a chance. I can help him, help him be okay. This doesn’t…what I did…what his parents did, it doesn’t have to define him.”

So Jason wants to make things right for Tyler so he doesn’t become like Jason. Now I don’t truly know what Zdarsky is going for but I will go for the unconscious route, little Jason pushed Robby (that fucker) down the stairs and he was left unconscious there.

In Jason’s eyes Tyler is still a good kid that deserves only the best (like you Jason, please don’t think so low about yourself) and that can be saved from a life of vengeance, justice and trauma. But whatever Jason was going to actually say to Tyler we don’t know because Tyler informs Jason that through the Red Hood mask there is someone telling him that Batman is coming.

Batman appears out of nowhere as he does and starts talking shit.

Honestly Batman what is with that “not my town” bullshit? Baby this isn’t the medieval times, you are not a king and as far as I know not only is Lucius Fox richer than you but so is Dick so sit your ass down and shut the fuck up.

Luckily Jason is giving the outstanding amount of zero fucks and tells Batman exactly what he needs to be told, sadly Jason’s big brain time doesn’t last long because he absolutely loses his cool and starts a fight. So you know what that means, monologue time!

“This was a mistake, but I can’t help myself, he gets under my skin. His sanctimony, he acts like he’s God, all knowing, all seeing when really…he’s just another failed parent.”

Amen. Jason knows many languages but he chose to speak facts.

As the monologue ends Batman is standing over Jason like he is about to murder him but no such thing happens because Tyler, who was quietly watching them fight, jumps in to protect Jason. Yep, there goes my heart, goodbye.

And this is it. The issue ends with Tyler putting an end to the fight and telling batman that he has to leave the Red Hood alone because he is a good guy. Jason of course is thankful and promises that everything is fine.

 I don’t know about you guys but so far I can’t say if I like the book or not. Both parts left me with mixed feelings. I obviously want to see how it ends but I honestly think that there is only one way this story can end with a happy ending, which I think it would be Tyler going back to his mom and Jason somehow working to help her with her drug addiction, maybe even have Dick involved so he can help them economically.

Things that I surely do not want to see are Jason backing down again and limiting himself to the Bats rules. I also absolutely don’t want Zdarsky to go all Geoff Johns on us and make Jason think that he should give up the Red Hood mantle.

Jason really needs to gain his confidence back, he was smart, calculated and strategic and now they have taken those things away to accentuate his “daddy issues” and “inferiority complex”. Why the quotation marks you ask? Oh, because those things are bullshit and there is no room for those things in Jason’s characterization other than to add more angst to the plot.

Let me know how you felt about the issue and my review! Are you excited about what the four next issues are going to bring to the story?

Also if you read Marvel, did this issue taste like Marvel to you too or am I going crazy?

[malereader-inserts]

He Always Does

Fandom: Harry Potter Pairing: Remus Lupin & Son!Reader Summary: Remus was the first to arrive, and you were the last. Word Count:  1,307 Request: “ It's another dad!remus fic! The night they have to get Harry from privet drive to the weasleys in the 7th movie, Lupins son is also there, and when Remus arrives at the weasleys, he realizes his son isnt there yet when he should've been. After a while when his son 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 isn't there, Remus starts to get 𝘦𝘹𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘦𝘭𝘺 worried. Eventually his son does show up but he's severely injured because he took a spell for someone. Tonks, maybe? (he lives though)” Warning: Blood, description of injury A/n: Y’all be enjoying angsty shit,  tbh i take pride in my angst shit - take a look at stuff we did, made me sob whilst i wrote that. y’all be enjoying remus being a father RIGHTLY SO ANYWAY - I HAD A THOUGHT. I DUNNO IF I SHOULD MAKE A SERIES OR A ONE OF ONE SHOT WHERE THE READER IS DATING HARRY AND IS REMUS IS SON BUT ALSO THE DESCENDANT OF MERLIN, IN WHICH HE IS THE NEXT MERLIN - IF THAT MAKE SENSE. ONLY THE GOLDEN TRIO, GINNY AND THE TWINS KNOW ABOUT IT ALONGSIDE DUMBLEDORE AND MCGONAGALL BUT IT IS REVEALED TO THE ORDER - SO WHO WOULD READ THAT?

Remus was getting agitated, he was the second one to arrive and one by one he was watching people return from the mission and yet there was no sight of you yet. 

He wanted to rage at Mad-Eye for bringing you without a purpose. However, he couldn’t, you did have a purpose. You were the most skilled in duelling out of the school, since your second year you had excelled in fighting. Advancing further than all your year mates, receiving advanced lessons from Dumbledore, himself, proclaiming to McGonagall that this would serve you purpose and help within the cause.

You were much more talented than Harry, you always led the duelling club and most often not, you were the “boss” battle that no one could ever beat. So, in the fifth year, during the battle of the department of mysteries, you had proven yourself a skilled fighter that you were able to hold and defeat many death eaters that night and leave barely scathed. 

It’s why Mad-Eye wanted to bring you along in moving Harry. You were skilled in duelling and if anything was to happen you were there to defend. Kingsley and Hermione was the first to arrive after him, then Bill and Fleur. Remus believes you should be there, you should be arriving soon. Even Harry was getting agitated that only one of his best friends had returned, anticipating for yours and Ron’s arrival.

Tonks arrived with Ron, Hermione diving in to hug him as Tonks engulfed Remus into a tight loving hug. Remus was relieved for a moment, his darling wife had returned safely. 

“He deserves that,” Tonks mentions, looking at Hermione and then to her husband, “If it wasn’t for him and (Y/n) I wouldn’t be standing here.”

“Really?” Hermione asked, she could fully believe you but Ron was a different story.

“Always full of surprises.”

“So what kept you? What happened?” Remus asked, wanting the details, distracting him that you weren’t there yet.

"Bellatrix. She wants me quite as much as she wants Harry, Remus, she tried very hard to kill me. I just wish I'd got her, I owe Bellatrix. But we definitely injured Rodolphus...” Tonks explained, also adding that Ron had stunned another death eater whilst she was preoccupied.

Lastly, Fred and Arthur were last to arrive. Whilst they fussed over George for a bit, who was injured with a missing ear - proclaimed himself fine. Bill had announced that they hadn’t seen Mad-Eye return. Remus was getting agitated even more, because where were you? You’re supposed to be there, at the burrow, safe. 

Whilst Molly patched up her son. Arthur, Remus, Tonks and Kingsley stayed outside waiting for yours or Mad-Eye’s arrival.  The night was cold and still, it sent Remus’ chills. Agitation wore off and was quickly replaced with worry, panic was slowly setting in the pits of his stomach as Tonks held onto his arms, trying to reassure him that you will return.

“He’ll show up, Remus,” Arthur says, loudly for the group of four, offering the man a smile, “He always does.”

Of course, Remus smiles, because you always seem to have a habit of turning up when you least expected to. When it was the Battle of the Department of Mysteries, you had turned up to defend the incapacitated aurors, fending the death eaters as if it was second nature to you.

When you turned up to fight when Hogwarts was infiltrated by Voldemort’s people, casting non-verbal spells as if it was as easy said than done. Your dad cannot fault you for being good as magic, he can’t fault you for being protective. 

He’s proud of you, like any father should be. 

Mad-Eye was seething with anger.

He doesn’t know if you’re dead, just he’s carrying a limp body back to the burrow. He’s one of the most known aurors who had a reputation and yet he was saved by an eighteen year old kid. Mad-Eye was flying through the skies, concerned with how much blood you were losing. Diffindo, not usually used in battle however, it’s known to tear or rip and object. That object was your torso and Mad-Eye cannot imagine the pain you went through. 

“We’re almost there,” Mad-Eye said, reassuring himself, hoping you were awake. 

You were conscious when you tackled Mad-Eye to avoid him from getting killed by Voldemort, and managed to keep him on his broom as you flew close to him. Within seconds you were gone, flying ahead, Mad-Eye can recall you defending Tonks as they flew into the portkey. You battled with Bellatrix in the sky, Mad-Eye couldn’t leave you behind, as Bellatrix fled upon Mad-Eye arrival, the pair of you had flown once more around to survey the sky.

One thing after the other, the rays of light of each spell hindering everyone’s sight as Mad-Eye loses you in the cloud of chaos. Mad-Eye just sees you falling from your broom. As he catches you, you were badly injured, but gripping your wand as tight as you could.

From that point, Mad-Eye just wanted to get you medical help, get you to the burrow. As you go in and out of consciousness, Mad-Eye was racing with time. You had not responded to him in ten minutes, he had assumed that you had passed out, and not dead. He dreads to deliver a dead son, a dead friend, a dead companion. 

In the nick of time, Mad-Eye goes to the portkey, before it allows anyone else to get through. Travelling via portkey was always unpleasant with unpleasant side effects. 

Mad-Eye lands roughly, he’s on his knees as he looks up to see four shocked faces.

“Mad-Eye!” Tonks bellows, indicating to the people indoors that he had arrived.

Mad-Eye surpasses the dizziness as he sees four figures approach him, but his mind is somewhere else - looking behind him, he sees you writhe in pain due to the portkey. He crawls towards you, the moment he had placed a hand upon your arm, you screamed. 

“LUPIN!” Mad-Eye had found himself shouting as Remus’ pace picked up.

There, he finds you struggling to breathe, blood everywhere on your clothes, on your skin. Your torso, bloodied, open. Your eyes shut tightly as you fidget, despite every movement in your body was on fire. Remus gets on his knees, he wants to hold his baby boy but he holds his hand shakily as he tries to mutter healing spells upon you. 

Molly came running as Arthur wanted to stop anyone from looking at the situation, ushering your best friends away, but cringing when another scream was emitted from you. 

“(Y/n)...” Remus says softly as Molly continues to place spells upon you, “I’ve got you, you did so well...”

Remus muttered more spells, watching the blood return to your body, watching the tear and rips of skin repair itself. You were in pain, but the thing you latched on was your dad’s wrist.

“Please,” They hear you whimper, “Please, dad, make it stop.”

Finally, you opened your eyes, tears forming. Remus nods as Molly says it’s okay for you to come inside. Remus picks you up carefully, trying not to cause you more pain, you grip onto his jacket, your dried bloody hand strongly holds against him. 

As Mad-Eye gets helped to stand up by Tonks, who gives him his stick, the pair cannot help but feel bad that they were the one to cause you to be in pain. Watching how a father tries to comfort his distressed son, if only they had been more wary of their surroundings, then you wouldn’t be in the position. 

“He’ll live,” Harry says to the adults as they watch Molly, Remus and you enter the burrow. Harry looks at his friends and then to the adults with a tight smile.

“He always does.”

[princess-of-the-worlds]

tldr: I’m back, babey, with a handful of Torchwood fic recs timed perfectly for Halloween! Now, I tried to collect newer as well as older fics, but honestly, the way it worked out, they all ended up mostly being newer. Still, the fics here are a mixed bag in terms of spooky versus creepiness, and you should definitely find several you like!

I cannot sleep warm by Beleriandings (@ultraviolet-eucatastrophe)

“And I love you too. Now... time to wake up.”

(janto | complete | teen | 11.2K)

Nik: Hi! Do you want to cry? Well, then, read this fic! Set in...well, a scenario I can’t entirely describe without spoilers but can say that it involves dreaming, this fic transcends reality - and also imagination - at times. The author - yes, I am proud to call her my friend - is very good at writing surreal stories, and there are just so many angsty layers to this fic. There’s this symmetric beauty to the first chapter that the second chapter just brings into focus. I immensely enjoyed this fic, but don’t go in expecting a happy ending!

The Picture of Javic Thane by thirteeninafez (@thirteeninafez)

The painting was an old Victorian portrait, showing a man sitting in an almost throne-like chair, posture perfect and facial expression stoic. Deep colours swirled from brilliant brush strokes, perfectly capturing the image it was displaying. It took Ianto a second to realise that the figure in the maroon, nearly purple suit (and matching bow-tie) was in fact the same man that was currently holding the painting in the Hub.

“That’s what came through the Rift?” Ianto asked incredulously, trying to ignore the smile that was tugging at the corner of his mouth.

(janto | complete | teen | 22.3K)

Nik: Full disclosure, I beta’d this fic, and holy shit, it’s good and perfectly fits the Halloween mood! This fic is essentially a The Picture of Dorian Grey AU, and the author’s descriptions as the painting changes...chef’s kiss! All team’s perspectives on Jack and how he changes is delightful and enough to make you shudder. If dark!Jack is something you’ve been missing in life, read this fic, but also know that it comes with requisite amounts of angst. (But I guess that that’s to be expected!)

Werewolf of Cardiff by Jackdaw816 (@shejustcalledmeafish)

Ianto's a wolf in the bedroom. Literally

(janto | complete | teen | 0.5K)

Nik: Again, full disclosure, I chattered about Werewolf Ianto to the author enough until she wrote this. So you can basically thank me for this fic! Short and sweet, this fic is essentially the quickest and best fluff you can ask to cheer you up or give you the warm fuzzies! Despite being a werewolf, Ianto’s full characterization still comes through, and the author does a delightful job with pouring on the extra love and warmth into the Jack-Ianto relationship.

Jack-O'-Lantern by AVAAntares (@avaantares)

An epistolary story in which Gwen carves, Ianto objects, Owen shirks, and Jack pays.

(Written for Torchwood Halloween Fest 2020. Prompt: Halloween traditions or celebrations)

(janto | complete | general | 0.7K)

Nik: Another quick fic! This one is entirely amusing with a great team dynamic! Brief emails follow the trajectory of the weeks before Halloween in the Hub, including a pumpkin that falls victim to Gwen and Jack as well as other moments of humor. You’ll certainly find yourself giggling along!

Imposters Among Us by gwendolyncooper (@gwendolyncooper)

The Torchwood team (+Rhys) are out for a night of fun when they end up on a spaceship with no power, no info, and no crew. Known only as THE SKELD, the team tries to fix the ship and figure out what happened to its previous occupants.

But something out there is killing them.

Something that may be someone they know.

(gwenrhys, janto | complete | mature | 9.1K)

Nik: This fic, as gut-punchy and well-written as the writing is, may not for the light-hearted, as you can likely see with the tags, but trust me, it’s worth it and ends up paying itself off! It’s essentially real-life Among Us, but playing it in reality is a lot more terrifying than playing it on your phone, and the team proves that! The plot is intriguing as it builds on the lore of the game, and the emotional beats certainly punch very hard, but the fic lands a bit more lightly on its feet at the end. Certainly a must-read if you love Among Us!

Toil, Trouble, and Trick-or-Treating by moonlightrhosyn (@moonlightrhosyn)

“I know what this is. She planned this. She thinks I don’t spend enough time with the kids. That’s why she’s doing this.” “Doing what, Ianto?” Gwen asked him. “What do your sister’s dinner plans have to do with you?” Ianto heaved a sigh. “She just asked me to take David and Mica trick-or-treating so she ‘can go to dinner’ - she just wants me to spend more time with them, and she’s come up with this.” “I can go too,” Jack offered as he joined them. He grinned. “I love kids!” In which Jack and Ianto take Halloween night off to look after Rhiannon's kids, while Gwen and Suzie coordinate Halloween Watch (and Gwen tries to get Suzie a date, after two years of strategizing).

(janto, gwenrhys, kathysuzie | complete | teen | 2.7K)

Nik: Here’s a canon divergence AU where everyone lives, including Suzie, which means we get some fun team times with Halloween! Ianto is tasked with taking David and Mica trick-or-treating, all accompanied by Jack. It’s sweet, light, and a perfect treat, with great little moments like Gwen trying to set Suzie up on a date with Kathy Swanson and David and Mica trying to conspire against Jack and Ianto for candy. There’s no monsters here! I beta’d this fic - you’re probably starting to see a trend here - and 200% recommend this for a fun read if you’re disappointed about not getting to go trick-or-treating this year!

Treat or Trick by NancyBrown

Five unusual trick or treaters show up at the tourist office.

(janto | complete | teen | 1K)

Nik: The author is an icon of this fandom, but this is one of their lesser-read fics, which is a damn shame. Ianto’s Halloween at the tourist office goes a bit awry when he meets the team, not only de-aged but also tossed back in time. It’s quick, witty, and humorous, everything a fic needs! A must-read!

Going Batty by blackkat

Ianto is a vampire. Cue Owen's obligitory Twilight jokes.

(janto | complete | general | 1.4K)

Nik: This fic is completely crack. Completely. If you’re looking for Dracula-esque vampire!Ianto, this is the perfect fic for you. Taking place from the perspective of Gwen, it explores the mystery of Torchwood’s most reclusive member. But again, it is also. 100% crack. But it’s very, very batty. (See what I did there?)

Erlkönig by engagemythrusters (@iianto-jones)

Something lurked in the darkness. It waited and watched, and it was coming for Ianto.

(janto | complete | teen | 5.6K)

Nik: Now, if you really want spooky, this is the right fic for you! The writing is excellent and dripping with tension and suspense, and the way Ianto spirals...now, this is some well-written horror that will keep you on the edge of your seat. If you’re looking for answers in this fic, don’t expect any, but that only makes it better. A must-read that was - ironically - written in May. I have many, many questions about how this fic resolves; please tell us, author! (Or don’t, to keep the spooky alive!)

Echoing by Beleriandings (@ultraviolet-eucatastrophe)

Ianto wakes up at his desk in the archives, with no memory of how he got there or what happened before, and no way to contact Jack or Gwen. Turns out, all of that's the least of his problems.

(janto, lisaianto | complete | teen | 7.4K)

Nik: Yes, I know; this author has been on the list twice, but she’s on fire this month, with many, many excellent spooky fics. (Not that her fics aren’t always spooky!) This fic once again hits you like a gut-punch. Written in a very disorienting - in the good way - sense, we as readers follow Ianto wandering the Hub, looking for anyone else. He encounters company who aren’t so solid. By the time you’re nearing the end of this fic, you’ll likely have generated thousands of theories if you’re anything like me, but none of them will hurt as much as the actual truth. Expect some much angst from this. Again, another must-read!

[bts-ficrecs]

Any jungkook angst with no smut? Thank you!

yes hello. ‘tis me. Finally responding to you after 31498237 months.

i rarely read full on ANGST because my weak heart cannot take it, ok. So i don’t have a lot to share and most of the fics i read are pretty short. i don’t think any of what i read are series bc omg can u imagine a full on series with NO HAPPINESS!! I WOULD D WORD!!!!!!!1 sjadflakwe but i’ve included some angsty series in the 2nd half of this compilation!

as requested, no smut. i’m sorry if i missed something and it does have smut 🙏 also this ask made me realize how many angsty fics DO have smut involved, lololol we’re all a bunch of emo hornies and tbh,,, i’m not even gonna deny that 😂 ok ok i’ll stop rambling now.

* m/n: mai notes can also be read as “my notes”. ha ha ha wow i’m so punny.

HAVE READ:

⊱ ┄ A Fallen Bookmark on A Thursday Afternoon by @cutaepatootie

 summary: He came to you like the air comes into the train station after the fast arriving of the machine. It comes fast and unexpected, making you hoist your head to look at the long vehicle and the people inside. It is so fast you can’t even distinguish the different wagons. As the train comes to a stop, the wind that it creates plays with your hair, leaving you breathless. That’s how Jeon Jungkook came into your life.

 

⊱ ┄ A Mark of Betrayal by @jimlingss

 summary: Forgotten as the eighth deadly sin; each time one betrays, a mark will be signed on their skin…

 

⊱ ┄ A Piece of the Moonlight by @jimlingss

 summary: For your loved ones, the people who are waiting at home, the people who have died - you will fight. And sometimes to fight means to sacrifice: who you really are and the person you really love.

 

⊱ ┄ Blue Orchids by @inktae​

 summary: You were eighteen years old when Jimin’s name showed up on your hand.

 m/n: this is like… one of THE og bts fics and i will always promote it bc IT DESERVES TO BE READ BY EVERYONE

 

⊱ ┄ Delirium by @sseudanym

 summary: What to feel, when it’s all gone.

 

⊱ ┄ Give Me Your Hands (I Will Pick the Stars for You) by mindheist (AO3)

 summary: I miss you like the moon misses the sun, destined to chase you until the end of time.

 m/n: this is the only mxm fic here. it’s jungkook x taehyung :) i hope it won’t deter you from reading it though! it’s an absolutely beautiful story.

 

⊱ ┄ In My Head by obiwrites (AO3)

 summary: The one where you and your long time boyfriend aren’t on the same page

 

⊱ ┄ It’s Enough by @dark-muse-iris

 summary: Preparing dinner reminds you of all the struggles you’ve experienced in your marriage. Your husband Jungkook, ever your anchor, tries to cheer you up with gentle words.

 

⊱ ┄ Mamihlapinatapai by @tayegi

 summary: Mamihlapinatapai (noun): a look shared by two people, each wishing that the other would initiate something that they both desire but which neither wants to begin.

 

⊱ ┄ My Beauty, My Blood by @7cypher

 summary: With Namjoon out of the picture, Jeongguk has to step up and be the sole successor to the organization laid out before him. However, guilt doesn’t escape him very easily, and neither does your persistence.

  

 ⊱ ┄ Resentment by obiwrites (AO3)

 summary: It was an ugly kind of sad. The kind that kept you up at night, that weighed heavy in your chest and made you feel like you couldn’t breathe, it made you feel like molasses—made your limbs drag and your body ache. You’d heard of the physical effects of depression—but you weren’t expecting this.

 

⊱ ┄ The Train of Lost Souls by @inktae

 summary: The moment you step inside the train, you are given two options. You can choose to live or you can choose to move on. You are dead, but it’s up to you to do something about it. The choice is solely yours.

 m/n: ok so this is technically a Hoseok fic since the reader is interacting with Hoseok, but Jungkook is a part of this fic and IT HURTS ME SO MUCH SO I HAD TO INCLUDE THIS OK

 

⊱ ┄ The Swirling Ways of Stars by @inktae

 summary: Jeon Jungkook doesn’t feel like home.

 

⊱ ┄ Untitled by @floralseokjin

 summary: He noticed you almost instantly. Like the wind blowing autumn leaves past his heels, he felt you near him. His body an instant constant buzzing as he stood inside the kitchen, back against the counter where he watched you outside. The separation of the living area and the balcony window feeling miles away regardless of how close he was to you…how close you were to him…

 

⊱ ┄ We Were by @gukyi

 summary: Not all once upon a time’s have happily ever after’s.

 

⊱ ┄ Water Ripples by @inktae

 summary: It may be a mistake caused by unreachable forces, but it is not a curse, like some may think. Meeting each other, being able to touch each other but being forbidden to stay close beyond the limits of the sea could be considered torture — where is the pleasure in getting a taste of something you cannot have, an ephemeral spark in the night? in getting wings that can’t make you soar, no matter how many times they flutter?

 m/n: i made the mistake of rereading this when i was compiling this list and yes i am crying again. hooo booyyy.

 

 

HAVE NOT READ YET:

⊱ ┄ Below Thunder Showers by @inktae

 summary: Min Yoongi leads Earth with a stern hand and a pair of cold eyes. You lead a withered space station that’s been losing hope for years, mind tired and heart torn. Jeon Jungkook is no more than a broken soldier who’s slowly losing his humanity, but his longing for the rain keeps him tied to the ground. Three paths converge again when the two worlds clash, and as precarious as they were, it does not stop you from falling in love for a second time.

 

⊱ ┄ Blossom by @dimpled-gukkie

 summary: “Blossom, blossom, blossom. As unexperienced as I may be in the field you really didn’t think I’d only bring one weapon did you? It’s no wonder your gang has gone to shit ever since your dad died, it’s clear that you’re incompetent as well as incapable of being a good leader.” He laughs, raising the gun to point at you. You raise your own and he just smiles again before setting his weapon down. “You know what, how about we do this the old fashion way? I heard guns weren’t your specialty anyways.” Shrugging off his coat you spot the long dagger tucked into his waistband. “Cmon sweetheart, show me just how dangerous you are.”

 

⊱ ┄ Contradict by @drowsymochi

 summary: Jungkook is a name you hear often around the crowded city of Seoul, South Korea. Jungkook is the leader of Bangtan, a gang that has acquired a worldwide audience. The gang is stationed in Seoul, creating a feeling of uneasiness on the streets. Everyone in the city has been acquainted with one of the members at some time, being that they’re always around. For the most part, they don’t harm innocent civilians unless they commit a crime that the members find worthy of punishment. That penalty can range from bankruptcy, to torture and eventually death, which makes the city wary of their words and surroundings. If only you had been as terrified as everyone else.

 

⊱ ┄ Downfall by @donewithjeon

 summary: Your hesitation cost you dearly, and you swore never to let it happen again.

 

⊱ ┄ Drown For You by @callistojjk

 summary: There was something in that enormous tank, hidden in the murky water. All you knew was that you weren’t allowed inside the room and that it used to hold something dangerous.

 

⊱ ┄ Drag Me Down to Hell by @kimvtae

 summary: There’s a darkness to your city, a murderous underbelly filled with crime and deceit that you’ve sworn to avoid at all costs. But the universe has funny ways of forcing your involvement in the form of a notorious mob boss and his young daughter.

 

⊱ ┄ Expensive Mistakes by @honeyedhoseok

 summary: Your night spent swindling at the pool table goes left when your lackluster skills are found to be false, so it’s a good thing Jungkook has some supernatural abilities to keep D and his friends from recollecting their money–but his help comes at a price.

 

⊱ ┄ Fierce And Delicate by @mintseesaw

 summary: Jungkook and y/n had been brought in two different worlds. Jungkook living an unfortunate life and y/n being controlled by her parents all her life. Despite the imperfect relationship, they completed each other like a puzzle there is. Jungkook has one promise he intends to keep: to always make you happy. In the process of fulfilling your wish he had once declined you of, he kept a secret from you. And unintentionally, he has done more damages than expected…Every action, and every decision… could be blamed by the flawed past.

 

⊱ ┄ Fallout Technical Report by @pantaemonium

 summary: You knew you should not go into the darkness of night, even if your hope had run thin. The monsters were free to walk the earth, and some of them were still as human as you.

 

⊱ ┄ Fear in Your Eyes by @gukyi

 summary: There’s a werewolf in that forest behind your house, they told you, and he’ll eat you before you can even beg for mercy. 

 

⊱ ┄ First Light by @inktae

 summary: “Have you ever felt like the world is too loud sometimes?” “No. For me it’s always quiet.”

 

⊱ ┄ Finding Beauty in Your Darkest Places by @jungtaeyoongles

 summary: Everyone has their issues, and everyone deals with them differently. Jungkook thinks that avoiding his problems is the best option out there. AKA Jeon Jungkook is the newest patient at the Omelas Specialized Psychiatric Clinic, and he just wants to get in and out as quickly as possible so that he can go back to university and be with his friends again. Of course, that doesn’t work out according to his plan.

 

⊱ ┄ Gravity by @donewithjeon

 summary: The universe works in mysterious ways. What you didn’t know was that the world would give you the best at such a young age.

  

⊱ ┄ I Got You On My Mind by @bangtanbombimagines

 summary: In a world where soulmates can share thoughts, you never imagined that the sweet voice in your head would belong to a guy like Jungkook.

 

⊱ ┄ Lost Boy by @hoshikimatata

 summary: You are the only girl Jungkook keeps coming back to, and you thought that made you the one to save him. But in the end, he’s the only one who can save himself.

 

⊱ ┄ Let Me Stay Close To You by @9uk

 summary: You were finally free from the worst nightmare of your life in high school. The doors of college welcomed you with open arms, you were set on living your best life in here, away from the toxicity back at home. That shimmer of hope in restoring your life, was somehow effortlessly crushed by a tap on your shoulder. “Hey Y/N, why don’t you say we catch up for a moment?”

  

⊱ ┄ Left Behind by @bbfairy

 summary: Every person is required to go through a series of tests to see if they’re smart enough to be a part of the upper, elite district. You and Jungkook are childhood friends. Jungkook’s dream is to live with you in the elite class, but deep down, you’ve always known that you’ll fail the exams. For ten years, you wrote letters to give him on the day of his expected departure.

 

⊱ ┄ Lie to Me by @hugseoks

 summary: It had seemed so easy for you to move on, did you even care at all?

 

⊱ ┄ Pull Me Down by @starryeyedgukk

 summary: “Do you regret it?” “What?” “Falling in love with me? It feels like I only weigh you down.” “I’ll let you pull me down to the depths of hell if that’s what it means to love you.”

 

⊱ ┄ Rooftop by @thelillzmonster

 summary: An unrequited love burdens your fragile heart. And when an unfamiliar, isolated boy is thrown into the mix, you’re not sure whether it all turns for the better or worse.

 

⊱ ┄ The Burning Flame by @bangtanfanfiction

 summary: You’re sent as a scout from the Academy into enemy territory, tasked with the mission to make sure their king doesn’t unleash another war on the four nations. During your quest, you get tangled up with a lone rider, as stubborn and hard as the scales of his dragon. 

  

⊱ ┄ The Black Veil by @jungcock

 summary: You never wanted to be a vampire, yet you had been 21 years old for the last 2 centuries. You never wanted a relationship either, yet you incidentally make a very human Jeon Jungkook fall in love with you, twice.

 

⊱ ┄ Waste It On Me by @byeoltoyuki

 summary: Being a journalist, you were familiar with the concept of taking risks and pushing your limits to get the best story. But when a gangster by the name of Jungkook tries to involve himself in your quiet, safe personal life, you are forced to reconsider the limits of your comfort zone, your boundaries, your morals and even your feelings.

 

⊱ ┄ Why I Hate You by @floofyeol

 summary: Jeon Jungkook’s only regret, is knowing her in the first place.

 

⊱ ┄ Watchdog by @kpopisthereasonihavenolife

 summary: Being kidnapped, then ‘accidentally’ eavesdropping on a lot of Intel that was specifically not for outside ears, was definitely not your way of being ‘recruited’ into the mafia world.  Much less end up with a companion who didn’t seem very fond of you, but stuck guarding and watching you.  A Watchdog sort of man he was, and almost entirely too suffocating.

 

⊱ ┄ Written on the Sky by @inktae

 summary: Time is, without a doubt, merciless.

 

⊱ ┄ What Happened by @bangtanfanfiction

 summary: You and Jungkook’s relationship was on the tip of the edge. Is there any possibility to get it back up?

[retromotherfuckers]

STAINED RED

(bellamy blake x reader)

Warnings: angsty as hell, canon death, lowkey panic attack, emotional breakdown, sadness, lots of mentions of blood, idek what to call the ending

Pairing: Bellamy x Collins!Reader

Word Count: 2k ~roughly~

A/N: I asked myself if I should make the first Bellamy one-shot that I post angsty. Then I remembered that I don’t know how to write happy stuff so in honor of Season 7 starting in one hour - even though I can’t watch it - here’s some sad shit.

\|/|\|/

Finn giving himself up to the grounders was the dumbest and smartest thing you had ever witnessed. Stupid; now you and Clarke have to deal with the aftermath and the fact that the commander's soldiers were stringing your brother up like an animal. And wise because he knew there was nothing anybody could do otherwise to sanctify an alliance with Lexa. As you and the aforementioned blonde watched Finn get chained to a pole, you connected eyes, and agreed wordlessly that you would do anything you could to make his death painless and short.

The two of you broke away from your lineup of people and headed to go into Lexa's barricade, Bellamy followed when he noticed and the man asked what the hell you were doing. Clarke quickly explained - and lied - that they were going to just talk to the commander as a last resort when Raven stopped you and grabbed your hand, catching all the other two's attention. 

Eyes dancing in the moonlight, you eyed Raven as she pulled out a small and makeshift metal dagger and placed it softy in your hand, sliding it up your sleeve. "If she won't let him go," The tan skinned girl started ominously and determined. "Kill her."

You knew that if either of you even attempted to hurt Lexa, you and Clarke would probably be dead in, at the most, minutes. Unless they decided to make it slow - which was probably what they would do.

It's not that you didn't care whether or not if Finn dies, you did. He was your twin brother, you cared with everything you had. When he told you that he decided to turn himself in you slapped him upside the head and told him he was crazy. When you watched him get dragged away from you, you wanted to sob, especially seeing Raven and Clarke's reactions. And now, seeing him like that - terrified, wanting to live, regretting his choice, - you almost talked yourself out of it going along with your plan.

But you and him both understood that if your people don't align with the grounders, that they would all be dead by morning.

You and Clarke over me.

Instead of telling Raven, 'no,' like you should've, you shook your head up and down in agreement, giving the girl a sense of false hope that she didn't deserve the burden of having it dragged through the mud.

Before anything else could happen, Bellamy pulled you aside, delaying your brother's death by only moments. "What else is there to say, Y/N?"

"I don't know. Neither does Clarke but we'll figure it out."

There was no way you were going to tell him what you and the blonde were up to, you knew he would tell you not to let his death be on your conscience. You could practically hear the words coming out of his mouth and maybe you or Clarke will be the one to end it, but it was his choices that got him strung up in the first place. Since their first battle with the grounders at the dropship just a few weeks ago, your brother had never been the same. Then he found out the girl he was in love with went missing and you didn't even recognize him anymore.

He was beginning to scare you.

Or that was all a bunch of bullshit that you were telling to make yourself feel better and add some extra insentive to actually go through with it, you didn’t actually know for sure.

At your words, Bellamy hugged you quickly with some assurance that he'll still be there no matter what happened. It's like he was reading your mind, which sometimes you believed he could actually do. Nodding, you pulled back, sticking to silence as the best answer and he opened the gate or you and Clarke to pass.

Both of you made your way through the path of incredibly intimidating grounder soldiers and went to the entrance of the commander's tent. There stood Indra, a woman that you actually kind of admired - her loyalty to Lexa was something you had never witnessed in anyone that wasn't related.

"Let us through," Clarke spoke, you standing in front of her and stepping into the warrior's spear, daring her to move it.

“Let them pass.”

At the commander's order, Indra reluctantly - but instantly - removed the spear from your abdomen and you let out a breath of relief. As you and Clarke approached Lexa, they made quick eye contact, knowing what they needed to do, deciding that the blonde would do most of the talking. 

“You plead for nothing,” Lexa said, her bravado never failing her. “You cannot stop this.”

"No, only you can. Show our people how powerful you are, show them you can be merciful. Show them you're not a savage," Clarke tried, a last ditch effort to save her lover's life - something you and her didn't exactly agree on but not something to hold against her.

“We are what we are.”

Clarke started begging the woman, trying to get her to see reason or even switch her out for Finn, trade her life for his. And as Lexa predictably denied, and practically put his upcoming death on her head, you jumped in not allowing this conversation to get any worse.

If that’s even possible.

With a stone cold face and no emotion in your voice, you spoke. "Can we at least say goodbye?" The commander just nodded at you as an answer.

You let Clarke go first, something in her eyes was pleading you to not make her be the one to do it and you shook your head with a yes, waiting to the side patiently as she held and cried for your brother. You gave them the privacy of not listening in, though it was painfully hard not to. Only when you saw her kiss him and stumble away, her knees giving out as sobs took over her body, did you advance towards your flesh and blood.

Stepping up to Finn, a grave expression written on your features, you immediately pulled him in for a hug, finally realizing the gravity of this situation. You two didn't even need to exchange words to know how the other felt or what they wanted to say.

All your older twin brother could even mutter was, "I'll be okay, Don't worry." He could almost tell what she was going to do but it was confirmed when he glanced to her hand and saw a shiny metal knife, just barely making contact with his shirt. You let out a shaky breath and hesitated.

Choking out an, "I love you," you let only a few tears fall from your eyes to your cheek, and squeezed your brother in an even tighter embrace. "I'm sorry." That's all you could say, that'll you knew to say that could even remotely make him feel any safer. 

You felt him nod, and you guessed that was his acceptance and signal, telling you he was ready for you to follow through with your plan. You felt the knife break through his skin as you pushed it deeper into his heart, killing him instantly. You almost expected him to say something while you still held his, now limp, body in your hands, already regretting accepting the responsibility for this.

But instead of letting any more salt flow from your tear ducts, you took a deep breath, gathered your bearings and stepped away from Finn, haunted. 

\|/|\|/

You couldn't stop staring at the blood. His blood stained on your shirt and hands. You sat away from the commander and Clarke who negotiated an alliance, not having spoken since you plunged a dagger in your own twin's heart. You didn't hear anyone come in, you didn't hear Abby and Kane arguing, nor did you hear Clarke agreeing to all the terms Lexa set. You didn't even hear them leave.

You couldn’t bring yourself to care.

Your brother was dead and you’re the only one to blame.

When it finally occurred to you that you can wash the physical blood off but it'll always be her fault, your hands started shaking, your chest tightened and the ringing in your ears became deafening. Maybe if you had just killed Lexa like Raven suggested, they would've gotten him out. You should've done something, anything else, it didn't matter what.

Then you remembered when Kane tried to say something of comfort to you. Clearly, you didn't respond, but you did recall him putting a small wet rag next to you so you could wipe the blood away. Sure enough, when you looked to your left, finally breaking out of your trance - only to start panicking even more - you grabbed the piece of cloth and started viciously scrubbing your hands.

You didn't care that your skin was turning red and getting chapped underneath the crimson liquid, probably to crack and create more of your own. You didn't care that the tent had become empty aside from you. All you could focus on was the blood and the fact that the air seemed to be pulled out of it like an airlock on the Ark and sobs overtook your body as you tried to scratch the red off. 

It was then that you felt someone take hold of your hands, making you quickly glance up to see Bellamy's mouth moving but you couldn't hear any words come out. The room was becoming smaller and smaller and you tried to rip your hands away to keep scratching the disappearing liquid off. Everything will be fine once it’s gone. It wasn't until right now that you realized you were speaking, words tumbling from your lips without your control, over and over again.

“I have to get it off. I have to get it off."

Suddenly, sound started filtering into your ears as Bellamy forced you to connect eyes by putting his hands on your cheeks and pulling your face up. "It's gone! You got it off, alright?" You only responded with the shake of your head, a frantic expression glued on and you still couldn't inhale or exhale correctly, breaking the eye contact. "Look at me, Y/N/N, breathe. It's okay."

Tears were uncontrollably falling down your face and you couldn't catch your breath. "I-I can't-I-I killed him -I-"

"Don't talk, just breathe. It'll be okay."

If you weren’t completely trapped in your own head, you would've been able to focus on the caring tone the man you loved used. You might've even conceded right then and there, but you were so wrapped up in remembering the knife piercing through your brother's heart at your own hand.

“I-I'm a monster," You stuttered out, bringing your hands to your head, trying to push your own head in. "God, it hurts-"

“They would've tortured him, you know that." You heard Bellamy say, his own voice a little louder than before but it was breaking too, though you still couldn't bring yourself to believe him. You could tell he meant the words he was saying but they just sounded like lies to you. The man could tell that that no more words were going help you calm down and as he stared into your absolutely devastated eyes that weren't returning his gaze and his heart broke at the sight. He just decided to pull you in for a tight embrace, your face was immediately buried into his chest, your tears soaked his shirt and he wrapped his arms around you. "You saved him from so much pain. You're not a monster, I promise."

Why does he keep lying to me?

His warmth was both appreciated and unwanted, you didn't deserve this. You're a cold blooded killer, you don't deserve comfort. You didn't have the physical nor mental strength to push him off and selfishly let yourself be held and loved even though you deprived Finn of ever feeling that again. The thoughts running through your head make your cries pick up once more, and you just needed the debilitating pain to be gone. 

Your voice was begging, pleading, broken. “I can’t take it! M-Make it stop, Bell, please.”

\|/|\|/

[wendell-or-something]

it is time.

I want to compile a more complete rundown of my thoughts about homestuck 2. I want all the stuff in my head to be in one place, and I know this is going to be incredibly long winded and I don’t care. I want to be honest... I want to understand why I don't like this media. on more than a "but of course" level because there are a lot of people who have it as a gut reaction that this stuff isn't right. but I think there are layers to what produces that. I wanna get in depth with this. so that's what I'm gonna attempt to do.

okay, so, the first thing I think I wanna say is a disclaimer. I have not actually read the epilogues. or homestuck 2. I have a peripheral knowledge of what happens in them because, as a concerned citizen, I poked around enough to pick up details and know that I wouldn't enjoy this media if I fully engaged with it. my assessment of the material may be flawed because of this, but I mean... if the things I've heard about the epilogues deterred me from reading it, then I guess that's what I'm analyzing? not only what I understand based on my limited knowledge, but also why it is so limited to begin with. why this media is such a huge deterrent to so many people who care so much about homestuck. ultimately, this is not to shame people who like this media... I will be addressing common takes I've heard from people who defend the epilogues, but I'm not singling anyone out, and anyone who reads this has a right to disagree, or better yet, ignore me and find enjoyment where you are able, even if I cannot. I will not begrudge you that. additionally, I am considering the epilogues and homestuck 2 to be one unit. not necessarily in terms of structure, but because the events of one lead directly into the events of the other, and the two have similar issues. I think I'll shorthand the combination of the two as EP/HS2 for simplicity, and refer to either individually if I have something specific to say about one or the other.

I think the main problem that people have with EP/HS2 is that it's depressing. and it's depressing for a myriad of different reasons, but I'll get to those in a minute. first I want to establish why them being depressing doesn't work for so many people. I feel like this should be examined first, because a lot of the supporters of EP/HS2 are viewing the complaints against it as over sensitivity from fans who only liked the comic for its lighter elements. I keep seeing a "y'all just wanted your rainbow cotton candy fluff ending" kind of sentiment going around. and like... you are right that this isn't a fluff ending. but I think it's unfair to treat the particular type of content that EP/HS2 brought to the table as the only kind of substantial, fulfilling narrative that we could've asked for.

and I think a lot of the dissonance that people see between homestuck and EP/HS2 is based in the ratio of tension to levity, and how far it's shifted toward pure tension... especially because, at the end of homestuck, all the outside threats to this group of friends have already been resolved. and yet, shit feels leagues more catastrophically bad during the epilogues than it did during the comic when the characters were actually under attack, which is super weird when you think about it. I mean, "epilogues" my ass, am I right? it is true that homestuck was never 100% sunshine and rainbows... in fact, some of the darker events that it brought to the table became some of the most hyped shit in the comic. murderstuck is mostly what I'm thinking of first in terms of this, but there was a lot of popular angst laden content within homestuck that the fans latched onto. the thing is, the fans also latched onto the content that was super goofy, and the fan works that you can still find online from the era of homestuck's initial popularity reflect both sides of its tone in equal measure. there was a huge amount of goofy fan content (octopimp's youtube channel is still a record of that, and that wasn't even the half of it). and there was a huge amount of angsty content, and there was a huge amount of heartfelt content... turns out, homestuck had broad appeal, and spoke to different people in different ways. and back then, I never really felt like the goofy stuff was being treated as any less important than the heavy stuff. it wasn't brushed off just because it was seen as lighthearted. people liked to laugh, and I fully believe that Andrew Hussie began doing homestuck as a fun activity.

the reason why I bring this up is because homestuck as a piece of media could beget all of these various takes. the fan works could be tonally dissonant when held side by side with each other, but when held against the parts of the comic that inspired them, they made perfect sense. homestuck could spawn jokes, and angst, and social commentary, and theories... and even extrapolation on canonical events, in ways both silly and serious. and when you look at the kind of content that the fans produced during homestuck's height, you see what was important to them. they put time and effort into crafting even their dumbest meme shit. the fans reflected what the comic gave to them. and humor and heart were among the most beloved core engagements that the comic provided... these were pillars on which a lot of fan enjoyment rested... you really can't begrudge a person their fun.

and treating darkness and angst as the sole indicator of maturity in a work seems misguided to me. because, speaking personally for a moment here, one of the biggest lessons I had to teach myself when I was growing up was how not to wallow in negative emotions. how to find the fun, sometimes rather aggressively, so that you don't just drown. and with EP/HS2, it feels like at every turn, readers are constantly grasping for something nice or fun to keep them afloat in all this heavy stuff, and either they come to accept mere scraps of positivity, or everything they reach for is eventually dissolved as well. and I think the character of a piece of media as a whole can sometimes tell you what level of maturity it's operating under. like, if the text lingers over making the characters miserable, or seems to revel in shooting holes in people's positive interpretations of these people, you have to kind of wonder if this is serving the narrative, or just producing author schadenfreude when they release what amounts to shock content.

it almost feels like a twisting of the way homestuck used to treat the fans, because during it's run, homestuck was very reactive towards the fanbase. this kind of canon responsiveness to the readers was baked into homestuck from the very beginning, back when Hussie was accepting reader suggestions for what John Egbert should do. and need I remind everyone that the trolls were made as parodies of different types of personalities that were common to find online during homestuck's era? they are internet trolls, who are actually an alien race known as trolls, who communicate primarily online, and whose culture and species developed to produce an ornery and antagonistic population, so like... it's trolls all the way down. that's the whole joke. but the real, valuable benefit of parodying your fans with your characters, is that when the trolls act, they reflect the way real people acted. which means that when, say, Nepeta shoehorns RP lingo into casual conversation, some people will be like "it me!" and some people will laugh/cringe because they've seen people actually talk like that, and some people will be like "aww, that used to be me!" and every time a character produces this sense of identification with the audience, it works to create familiarity, and eventually, a sense of fondness.

that fondness is fucking powerful.

that fondness is born out of recognition and empathy, no matter which character you feel it for, and when a giant community of people loves a character that you have seen yourself reflected in so clearly, that is an incredibly validating experience. especially when you’re young, and the pieces of yourself that you saw were some of the nerdiest, weirdest, most awkward parts of you. a very large community of people loves a character that is like you, even, or perhaps especially, because of the flawed parts. and of course these characters were meant to tease the fans a little... these characters were also jokes to some extent the whole time. but they were never seen as cruel or insulting, because these characters were also important. the story literally built whole worlds around their identities... these kids altered universes. and they were allowed to be that important and special without being perfect first. they were dumb, and awkward, and nerdy, and cringey, and allowed to be there anyway. they were you, and you were important.

and this is where I think that EP/HS2 really misses the point. because in homestuck, the characters experienced hardship, but that hardship went on to fuel an overall sense of accomplishment when it was overcome. the road might be long, and it might be tough, and you might face shit that you don't feel prepared for, but when triumph is achieved, it feels that much more earned. and that is a key phrase I want everyone to remember homestuck for:

triumph.

it's the feeling that cascade gave me. it is the highest of heights that this whole thing reached. and it really has so much to do with how homestuck had built itself up until that point. we were mired in the minutiae of these kids' lives. we read their every chat log. we saw them dicking around doing next to nothing. we saw them contact each other and talk to each other for basically no reason other than to catch up. we saw them sharing stupid memes, and yelling at each other for wasting time on pointless bullshit, and dunking on each other's shitty taste in media... every one of them was "you" at some point. "you captchaloged this" or "you decided to do that" and it made a subtle connection in your brain that convinced you to feel things with them and accept what they "decided" as something that you had done alongside them. in some small way, you did homestuck. and this notion was further supported by how much of what the fans were doing would make its way back into what the comic was doing. the comic and the fans existed in a kind of symbiosis, and that fed into the feeling of connection that the fans had with this particular story. this thing was alive, and it moved in tandem with the community.

so when something big like cascade happened, you were right there with them. you were deep in the center of it. and you wanted to be, because this was your payoff. you did the work with these kids... you put in the time. and the triumph was yours too.

this is why EP/HS2 shouldn't be depressing. the core of the story was triumph against all odds. to take the triumph that was earned over the course of the whole story, and ruin it for the sake of generating angst... it misses the point. I did not read all 8000+ pages of homestuck multiple times because I wanted a tragedy. if I wanted tragedy, I would choose a different story. of course a lot of fans would have trouble liking EP/HS2... this wasn't what they signed up for. it pulls the rug out from under the fans of the original comic by pulling a mean genre bait and switch. why would people who liked a story like homestuck want a story like this? and I mean, obviously some people were okay with this. some people like EP/HS2. but you have to admit that it is an entirely different thing than what homestuck was.

I’ve heard some folks try to compare the darker parts of EP/HS2 to the darker parts of homestuck, and this is why they aren't the same. the darkness performs different functions in each story. in homestuck, it contrasts the lighter parts and creates a reason to keep everyone moving. in EP/HS2, it is the whole darn thing. the story is simply woven from it to begin with. I have heard some people say that they think of EP/HS2 as cathartic... as a reflection of life when things are painful or hard. but I think we really need to remember what catharsis is. catharsis doesn’t begin and end with pain. catharsis has to do something with that pain, or it’s just pain for pain’s sake. and the further I look into EP/HS2, the more I feel like the story is just playing it straight as a tragedy... though sometimes I wonder if it knows this.

so let's pull apart the tragedy of EP/HS2. because while I don’t really enjoy tragedies, (hence why I liked homestuck, and didn’t like EP/HS2... they are opposites in this sense), I still understand how tragedies work. catharsis can be part of it... to see something sad happen, and relate to that sadness, and feel a deep emotion... that does make sense. but the line between catharsis and just plain agitation is whether or not the pain actually provides you with a sense of relief. if the story leaves the character stuck in a bad emotional place, you feel stuck too... unable to confront the emotional burden that the story has saddled you with in a satisfying way, because it isn't even your own. in real life, when you are hurt, at least you have the ability to do whatever you need for yourself, in order to eventually feel better. I have grieved before, and somehow found it in me to laugh again since. but in stories, you rely on the author to construct the characters' response to bad events, and if things just go from bad to worse, sometimes with little resistance, the audience is eventually going to feel really agitated by the lack of relief. even stories that end in death provide catharsis due to the finality of it. the life ends, and provides a sense of closure. but EP/HS2 doesn’t give you an out. it just keeps driving many of the characters into more and more mundanely uncomfortable and dissatisfying lives, or turns them into people we would rather not know or read about.... which feels like a loss to the reader, even though the character is right there. at that point, the character's presence only makes you feel worse because they used to be someone you liked, but now they're just a reminder of your disappointment. and this level of your emotional discomfort isn't even something that the narrative will address, because it's just a side effect of how things are going. it isn't poetic, and there is no real comfort given to lighten that load... it's just unpleasant.

and on a more technical level, I would like to point out that stories create a kind of transaction between author and reader. and once you understand the status quo between you and a particular author, you can gauge the level of investment you feel safe putting in the characters. at their core, it stands to reason that stories should require conflict to be interesting. but in order to stay interesting, they also need to give us a reason to care about the conflict. in homestuck, I felt like the story set up a status quo in which we felt comfortable caring about certain characters, because we subtly trusted that the author wasn't wasting our time or jerking us around. like, you knew that a lot of crazy shit was on the table, but it felt like the story was growing, the author was interested in that growth, and thus he would not kill it. even if you couldn't begin to guess what was gonna happen next, you at least didn't have to worry about the author hugely ruining things that you liked about the story. he seemed like he liked those things too. we were all on the same page in that regard.

this is where character investment was very important to homestuck... the readers needed something to hang on to, or they'd lose interest in what was going on, and in homestuck specifically, the thing that kept us hanging on, was our love for these characters, and our wish to see them prevail against the odds. we were hoping for a satisfying ending, and interested in how we'd get there. and by now, I think homestuck fans in particular are very determined to stick to the characters by nature. if we weren't, then we would've been bored out of reading the comic in the first place back in act 1, when the most exciting thing that had happened was John going through his house and finding his dad in the kitchen. if you don't love John at least a little, you won't want to keep reading about him picking up items and describing them to you for a whole chapter, with not but the entertainment value of his character's particular perspective and voice to sustain you.

obviously, character investment isn't always a story's draw... but it was definitely homestuck’s. and even giving EP/HS2 the benefit of the doubt... let's say we're just judging it on the merits of being a tragic story. there are many levels of engagement that a story can hit, and in a lot of tragedies, the interest comes from the machinations of the plot. you already know it's going to end sadly, but you have the ability to process the sadness (a negative emotional experience and potential reader deterrent) while still maintaining interest, because you want to know how it will happen. it is unfortunate then, that EP/HS2 isn't a stand alone story, independent from homestuck itself. because if you tell a homestuck fan that the story will now only end in sadness, they likely won't want to know how it happens. because they already decided to like and relate to these characters, and wish for their happiness. they were taught it was okay to hope for that, based on the way the story used to be. basically, one of the essential appeals of homestuck (character investment) is actively working against the core appeal of a tragedy (understanding how sad events came to pass) because homestuck's appeal worked so well to begin with. it's basically nonsensical to try and jump track from one to the other, because the reader is much more likely to fall off the wagon entirely, and ignore your story in order to preserve their enjoyment of the story they already consumed.

but to get way more blunt about this... homestuck was good, and ruining what it left us with was unpopular for obvious reasons. fans were successfully invested in the story, the final triumphant payoff was a satisfying way to cap the narrative, and honestly... I think homestuck probably should've just stopped while the vibes were good. people were satiated. they were sad that it was over, but the sadness came from fondness, and that just sort of felt appropriate. we had it so good.

the transaction between author and reader was stable at that point. we had conflict. we had a reason to care. we got a resolution. there was a level of trust established, and honored... we trusted that there was a rhythm to the story. a push and pull between the kind of threat that would necessitate action from our heroes, and the ability of the characters to overcome the conflict well enough that we'd be left with something satisfying in the end. this trust no longer exists in EP/HS2. the epilogues broke it, and homestuck 2 has failed to repair it because, to be honest, it was already too badly damaged. it would take a full retcon to actually bring that back after the epilogues, but then it uh... screwed the pooch all over again. sorry, that was insensitive.

anyway. so like... what about the particulars of the story's content? I mean... I know I'm dissatisfied because a lot of the characters have been blatantly destroyed. Dirk will be my example for this bit, I mean, just look at him. in one epilogue route he commits suicide, and by making Ult. Dirk a thing, they effectively unestablished the identity of Dirk as he was in homestuck. and my limited knowledge of the epilogues doesn't allow me to really know about this, but was there even any acknowledgement of how death works in homestuck? Dirk must've known that if he killed himself, he'd end up as a ghost out in the dream bubbles. that is still a thing, right? Dave could've gone looking for him. considering Dirk's pesterquest route, he should've wanted to. and see, there's an example of what might've approached catharsis in a situation like that... pain, but also a human person dealing with that pain in a way that feels like fulfillment. but as far as I've heard, the story didn't go there? so it's just pain for pain's sake... or maybe just a bid to get rid of the more complex version of his character and replace him with an anime villain. and the method doesn't even make any sense, like, Dirk is the last character that would ever commit suicide because, by his own canonical words, he is scared to not exist. he literally couldn't bring himself to destroy the AR because of this, in spite of having every technical and emotional reason to want to. this is a major pain point for him, and I know it's typical to think of someone with self hatred wanting to kill themselves, but Dirk is a particularly different case. he should not be shoved into such an ill fitting generic narrative for shock value.

and beyond that, let's say you're someone who identified with Dirk. let's say that when homestuck said "you are now Dirk Strider" you were like "oh fuck I kinda am tho" and you were invested in him ever since. let's say that the points of investment you felt with him were in his troubles with self loathing, his fear of not existing, or his trouble communicating his true feelings to others. this is a rather dismal end for Dirk to have come to... and a rather dismal story for you to read if you still relate to this character. if you're coming off the end of homestuck still securely relating to him as heavily as you did when he was allowed to triumph, how fucking bad is it gonna feel to see him so thoroughly obliterated? to whiplash so hard from a perceived success to such abject failure is just mean. this story is so mean now, like, everyone's got the bug it seems.

and not only do several characters perish (literally, or by being mismanaged) for cheap drama in EP/HS2, but some just turn into shitty people? like, Rose recently revealed that she cheated on Kanaya. I simply hate the idea that Rose would grow up to be the type of person who would do that. I remember Rose in acts 1 through 5 being the kind of person who had misguided ideas about what course of action she thought would be effective. she would make some pretty big decisions, and act on destructive impulses, often in spite of what her friends thought was safe. in essence, I can see where the authors of homestuck 2 would get the idea of Rose going off and doing big shit without telling people. but this ignores why she was so determined to do any of that stuff in the first place... Rose was just as invested in protecting the people she cared about as anyone. and besides that, I thought her arc in those early acts had taught her something about that approach? I thought she got closer to people, to the point where they could voice a concern and she'd listen.

in regards to her relationship with Kanaya in particular, there's a huge difference between knowing someone for a day at the age of 13, and spending 3 more years getting to know and love that person before deciding to marry them. so even if this was the reflection of a quality that Rose had back then, I thought she grew past it... she had ample time and opportunity... we even watched her get better about this sort of thing. literally this rolls back her character development to when she was a child, and makes her a shitty adult. and if I’m being really scathing here, I might as well say that this feels like an example of that thing that stories sometimes do, where they only care about a relationship while the characters are struggling to get together. and then once they are together, it timeskips past their relationship being functional and lands you at a point where they're experiencing turbulence. at which point it leverages their relationship trouble for drama, rather than letting the two function well as a unit against an outside threat of some kind. like, no happy couples exist in fiction! gotta wring your conflict out of the fact that they’re falling apart! it feels like they’re being exploited by the writers.

and worst of all... this betrayal of trust by Rose either ruins Rose and Kanaya's marriage, or makes Kanaya seem like a fool. I keep thinking back to their time on the meteor, when Rose asked if Kanaya was breaking up with her because they finally reached that tipping point where Rose's drinking had to be acknowledged as a problem. and Kanaya said that no, she wasn't breaking up with her, and stuck with Rose because she was dedicated to loving her even if that meant helping her with a serious problem. that was such a strong character moment for Kanaya. it displayed her loyalty and dedication to Rose, but also a nuanced understanding of when a problem can actually be solved by dedicated effort. having her be so committed to staying with Rose in spite of Rose's transgressions is like a perversion of those positive qualities. now it just feels like Kanaya is irrationally willing to put up with anything from Rose, no matter how egregious. it takes a trait that was so nice about Kanaya, and uses it in such an upsetting way... and honestly, there was no reason to do that.

but this is a huge problem with EP/HS2... there's like, juuuuuust enough of a through line for people to think that it makes sense. so when I try to say that the characters are just better people than this, and that they're smart enough to do the most basic fundamental things to prevent pain in people that they care about... when I say I believe in the integrity of these characters, I could very well get someone adamantly insisting that I was just being naive. that sometimes, in reality, people disappoint you. what can I even do about that, without sounding like I'm in denial, or like I'm only interested in liking these characters when all their rough spots are smoothed away? how can I begin to articulate that these aren't decisions being made by the characters... they're decisions being made by authors who I don't trust for exactly this reason. and I very especially hate this because just... no! I know what these characters' flaws actually were! and what their strengths were! I had a solid read on their identity, because homestuck was so friggin good at establishing that! I know that a huge part of Rose coming into her own was learning how to cut all the snarky passive aggressive sarcasm and just be honest about her feelings... something that she actually advocated for when talking to Dave, but also had to learn to do herself. the logical escalation of Rose’s character would be a trend toward more openness... but also, just in general, Rose never had a kindness problem. like, I guess that’s the biggest thing I have an issue with. Rose was never this unkind.

it just feels like the writers want us to believe that not only was Kanaya played for a fool, but we were as well. we thought Rose was better than this. we thought we were better judges of character than this. and honestly... we were! the writing was not on the wall about this development. but that just doesn't mean anything because EP/HS2 said that it happened.

and this also harms the relatability of Rose for the people who used to identify with her. I'm not saying she has to be perfect... obviously, characters can and should be flawed. and characters can have flaws that you don't perfectly relate to the specifics of. Rose developed a drinking problem at a young age, which a few people might've related to, but it's very specific. but if you broaden the implications of that in the context of a story... a ton of people will be able to relate to the concept of developing an unhealthy coping mechanism, or doing something you don't really enjoy just to relate to a relative who has been distant to you for whatever reason, or even just having a complicated relationship with a parent. so what if you apply this kind of broadened meaning to Rose's cheating? the idea that she is not trustworthy. that she hides major, life altering information from people who are very close to her and should've been told. that she doesn't trust her partner, and would rather sneak around and hide this for years, rather than either letting her partner be involved in this part of her life, or accepting that her partner isn't comfortable with this development and respecting that boundary. this sort of thing is really alienating to people who know that they themselves are better than this. and “alienating” is the exact antithesis of what homestuck always was to the people who loved it.

what's especially interesting to me, is that the effects of this alienation actually come through in the way that people talk about EP/HS2 nowadays. I don't know if anyone has noticed this trend yet, but people tend to talk about the events of EP/HS2 as decisions made by writers, rather than decisions made by characters. which is weird, because people didn't do that so much with homestuck. and for this I wanna break out Vriska as an example. a lot of people like Vriska, and a lot of people hate Vriska. she's controversial. but no matter what, people always take Vriska's actions as though they're hers. and if they hate what Vriska does in the story, then they hate Vriska. not Hussie, for writing her that way. not even the vague concept of the narrative. they consider Vriska's actions to actually belong to her and form her identity, which they then pass judgment on, one way or another. Hussie is even a character that canonically exists within homestuck, and nobody ever thought to blame him, in universe, for being the origin of Vriska as a trouble causing entity in the story. compare that with how many times you'll see someone say that they don't like what the EP/HS2 writers have done with Rose, Jade, Jane, etc.... they tend not to actually level blame at the characters themselves. obviously this does vary a lot from person to person, but as a vague trend, I would say that people are starting to detach themselves from the characters, or at least detach the characters from their actions in EP/HS2. and to me it reads as a bit of a defense mechanism. it is a degree of separation that lets these characters keep their integrity, and the potential for positive development that they had when homestuck initially ended. it is a trend that, to me, proves the point that the level of pain for pain's sake in this story is too much. without relief, people disengage. even if they want to keep up with how the characters are doing, they no longer want to buy into the narrative's reality... so they acknowledge the author, and the fact that this is fiction. they remove themselves from the act of being invested. and the more adamantly you see people doing this, the more uncomfortable you can assume it feels for these people to buy into the events of the story and treat them as real.

to jump track to another odd point that I think creates a further barrier between cast and audience... has anyone noticed the age of the main cast's children that we've seen appear so far? all of them seem to be similar to the ages of the beta kids when we first met them. they're teenagers. and that means that, if my knowledge is correct, we kinda skipped a chunk of these people's lives. we never really spent time seeing the original homestuck kids as new parents... we never saw them raising their babies. and I get that this is an odd complaint, but it's an example of the story not growing with its audience. it's missing a huge opportunity, not only to show us this portion of their lives, but to fill in with some major world building when it comes to Earth C. are we supposed to assume that absolutely none of the main cast of homestuck made any new friends on Earth C? did they not explore what kind of culture popped up on this planet? what if one of the main cast had gone out and met someone totally new to befriend or love on this planet? but no... we're strictly only interested in the original cast and their kids, which they only ever had with each other, and nobody is really friends anymore, but nobody has met anyone new either... basically depression and isolation is the only option for these characters if the writers aren't willing to actually let them live in the world they're living in. and besides that, at time of writing, there is one friend of mine from my friend group that is just now planning on getting married. he'll be the first of all of us. and while he and his fiancé want kids pretty quickly once they're settled down, it still hasn't even happened yet. we're in our late 20s. and believe me, I understand the desire to timeskip to when the kids are old enough to be full people, but you have to remember not only that there are other ways to introduce new characters, but also who we're even trying to relate to here. is it the new kids, or their parents? because most of us aren't parents yet, much less the parents of teenagers, but we aren’t teenagers anymore either, and this isn’t framed as their story anyway. how are the majority of homestuck’s older fans represented in EP/HS2?

and when EP/HS2 skips the portion of these characters' lives that we, in real life, are actually living, it subtly hints that a story that would reflect what our lives are like isn't interesting, and tells us that not much good is expected to be waiting in our futures either. and the bigger problem with that is that the writing decisions in EP/HS2 represent the authors' answer to the question: how do we make this interesting? clearly they didn't think that anyone would be satisfied with a nice little romp through the lives these characters might've built. like, a slice of life type of story? or maybe something with a smaller stakes conflict? I dunno why, but my first thought was like... what if Jane ended up actually becoming a detective, and the story just had an intermission-style detour into her solving a case or something? at least a weird, hyper specific detour like that would signal that we care about what she's doing... that'd be fine by me! but they couldn't even give us something that would frame her as a good person... they just treated her like she never got un-possessed by the Condesce, and called it a day. it just feels like these are authors who wouldn't be satisfied with a story that lets the characters be at ease in their private lives. peace is something that is off the table, like, if the characters are living good, satisfying lives, we will never hear about it because apparently that counts as nothing to report.

but also... in the absence of the larger plot machinations that SBURB provided, what was left to create a struggle for these characters to face? it couldn't be Jack Noir, Lord English, the Condesce... those threats all got resolved. and they couldn’t let the characters exist in any facsimile of peace. so the writers needed something to stir things up. and in trying to find a new challenge to drive the story, they dug into the stuff that, in my opinion, should not have been used in this way. they began grasping at character drama, trying to wring conflict out of the deterioration of the relationships between the characters.

but at the same time, they're trying to capture the grandeur of homestuck during its more iconic moments. and okay, this is a pretty far out there speculation, but I've always made this observation about homestuck, and the way it got popularized. early on, fans would get into it with no real idea of how big or ambitious the story was going to be. going into act 1 blind, you wouldn't suspect this comic of being much more than a quirky, funny little weekly strip, set up for the sole purpose of making weird jokes about Nic Cage or Harry Anderson. then you get to the big shit. which in act 1 could just be the meteor destroying John's house. but that's a pretty impressive amount of escalation based on the expectations you had. fast forward to a bigger moment, like the reveal that the trolls' SGRUB session created the human universe, and you're super excited about this. so you tell whoever will listen that they should really read homestuck! and maybe they listen, and they go to page one and... well... they seem kind of unimpressed by the way the comic looks. this is what all the hype was about? and you really wanna sell it to them, so you're like, no, seriously, it gets so much better. and maybe you show them bits like the LOWAS walk around flash game, or maybe [S] make her pay, or something. and they're like, whoa, the comic gets like that? so perhaps they slog through the early acts, or maybe they just skip to the trolls and double back when they're confused enough... but either way, the comic's selling point is now it's climax, not the buildup.

and the problem with viewing the comic this way is that homestuck is both things. proportionally, homestuck is actually way more composed of the tedious little stuff than the grand big stuff. but homestuck was popularized via the grand big stuff, and sometimes I feel like EP/HS2 is attempting to fill itself with big stuff like that, but it isn't doing the legwork right. it's using character drama to fuel itself, but it's also trying to be highly epic in terms of its presentation. the lack of contrast flattens everything out, and as I described earlier, the story no longer has that essential push and pull between the terrorizing forces that threaten the characters/raise the stakes, and the unity and likability of the cast that makes you care about their struggle/gets you invested in seeing the conflict resolved. and I just wanna point out that those little interstitial bits... the ones that are typically viewed as the stuff you have to slog through in order to get to the interesting part? those were our main source of knowledge when it came to the characters. it's how we got invested in them and came to know that we liked or related to them in the first place.

the larger ramifications of this lean away from the little things, while also leaning into character drama to fuel conflict in the plot, leads to the overuse of bombastic character drama. sensationalized character drama. everything is always a huge fucking deal, while also being primarily concerned with the existing characters, rather than any kind of outside threat. so what are the tools? a wedding? a funeral? terminal illness, betrayal, a change in ideology that creates a schism... the loss of identity. all these high drama moments that generate conflict by sacrificing the bonds these characters shared. you know... letting that core piece of investment self destruct. the story is basically eating itself in order to sustain its momentum, but there's basically no point anymore. it's been gutted of the stuff that really mattered.

so why did everything go so badly? why do half of the characters not even like each other anymore? why do we not even like half of them anymore? why did the writers feel the need to dismantle them like this? well, because what else do we have to work with... how do you introduce a new threat to these characters without it being either SBURB all over again, or something entirely different that just makes these characters seem overwhelmingly put upon by the universe, like, more than any other individuals that have ever existed. it's actually a very rudimentary power escalation problem. gotta find that next level of bigger problem to set on everyone.

but do you wanna know what kind of homestuck fan I’ve been since the very beginning? I started reading homestuck 9 years ago. I think I was like 16 or 17? and at first I wasn’t sure how to interact with the comic, so I went to the “about” section of the website. it told me, in a broad sense, what mspaintadventures.com was, as a collection of work, and suggested that I begin by reading problem sleuth. not knowing that it wasn’t part of homestuck, I did just that. I read all of it. before I even got to homestuck. I am a fan that lives for the small, stupid, tedious fucking around. the slow buildup of total bullshit... the complex setup that gives you a million microscopic payoffs on it’s way to god knows what end goal. it’s like watching an explosion in reverse. all the tiny little pieces fly chaotically together and coalesce into a whole story, and you got to watch it build itself, piece by tiny little piece. I live and breathe for that level of detail. and the most fun I ever had with the story was when the characters were wandering around an environment, exploring and using various objects to set up these wacky chain reactions, half of which you’d never see coming, but which would all retroactively make sense in the end.

what I’m saying is that small scale conflict is interesting. and there are whole genres that build themselves off of this. I actually think that in certain instances, homestuck may fall under the slice of life genre. and slice of life is largely misunderstood as a rather bland genre, but the appeal is watching people with personalities that you enjoy. you watch them live their lives, and you go along for the ride. true slice of life is not a soap opera... it’s just enjoying the company of people who happen to be fictional. there's always been an element of that in homestuck... these were characters that you could see yourself getting along with if you met them. they were entertaining because of how they saw the world... how you would see the world if you were looking through their eyes. and homestuck gave you that opportunity. sometimes, that actually is all that you need.

I'm not saying that homestuck's ideal form is as a purely slice of life type of story... but wasn't that kind of what a lot of the fan works felt like? little comics about funny scenarios, or preexisting comedy bits with roles assigned to the characters they reminded you of... that stuff was the form that fun took for the fans of this comic. why is that so easily dismissed as frivolous? why is it so bad to want a little of that back? sometimes, you do wanna get into the hard stuff. maybe you wanna see Dave and Dirk have a conversation where they both admit that all they wanted as kids was a brother, and neither felt like they got to have that, but in very different ways. maybe you wanna see Roxy and Rose compare their similar feelings of estrangement, and explore the emotions that led them into their respective struggles with alcohol. maybe you wanna see John have a moment of sadness when he decides he wants to raise a kid, because he misses his own dad, and while Jane's dad is definitely family, he isn't the guy that actually raised John for the first 13 years of his life. maybe you wanna see Jade get inordinately clingy with every single one of her friends until one of them finally voices a concern about needing some space, only to see a glimpse of Jade's absolute terror at the thought of being alone again. and that pain is something that could definitely find a place in a story with more actual down time. maybe these moments of actually cathartic lingering pain could be explored with sensitivity in a story that gives them room to breathe. if the writers played their cards right and let the characters heal in meaningful ways, they might've even gotten tears of happiness out of a few of us. wouldn't that have been wild.

I just hate the idea that something is more realistic if it's dark. that's not true at all. I understand where the sentiment comes from. I understand the merits of taking an unflinching look at hard truths. but cynicism is not the same as realism. and realistically, people will try hard to seek good things for themselves in life. and even if they miss the mark... even if they fall into depression, or lack the ability to make their dreams a reality, these particular characters had already sought and found good people. people who would, realistically, absolutely help a friend if they needed it. I know this, because I watched them do that. the whole first five acts were literally about the trolls yelling at the humans because there was a huge problem that they blamed the kids for causing, and what did these kids do? they said "hey wait, let's fix that" and they did. even though the trolls made a horribly rude first impression. even though it was monumentally challenging. these kids have fought and died for each other's sake. they are family. if not by blood then by bond. and when that part of a story resonates with an audience, it is valuable.

I feel like I shouldn't have to defend the value of connecting positively with an audience. I get that this may be kind of a hokey take... I get that the people who currently like EP/HS2 will probably think I'm asking for something far too saccharine. but at this point I don't even care. once again, this is just my personal opinion, long and rant-like though it may be. and clearly it will change nothing about the current state of homestuck's most canon non-canon continuation. I guess my one major frustration is the extent to which some people have bought into what I consider to be blatant character defamation. it pains me when people talk about the actions of some of the characters in EP/HS2, because while many blame the writers for the unsettling behavior displayed by them in EP/HS2, some will readily consider this to be where the kids from the early acts really ended up as people.

[doomstypewriter]

ok so this is kinda out there so i totally understand if you decline this short request but: angsty, hurt no comfort, major character death moceit where janus is like 5 minutes away from being executed (i was thinking by hanging) and this is their last goodbye. it probably wouldnt come into play at all but just to be thorough: in my mind its like a vaguely fantasy 18th century setting

Hello, Anon. Thanks for the request. 

I normally do not enjoy reading major character death fics, but I surely am most willing to write them. 

I was sold-out on the whole fantasy18th century setting. 

Did I get carried away? Well, yes. 

I hope you don’t mind the piece of subversion I decided to incorporate. Also, I did indeed get carried away and wrote 1808 words for this. I have no self-control.  

Anyhow, I hope you enjoy it! 

AO3                               For other requests

TW: Major character death, swearing, HEAVY angst. Really, this will not end up nicely. 

Words: 1808 

It is one’s duty to abide by the laws

Tap. 

Tap. 

Tap. 

Tap. 

The tireless dripping of the filtrations in the stone cell did not stop, a repetition akin to a clock. It followed along the rhythm of the passage of each second he had left. 

As expected, the dungeons stunk of humidity and other things he did not wish to dwell on. They hadn’t even allowed him the comfort of a pile of hay to lay onto. All the dirt on his left cheek stuck to his skin disgustingly, god knows how scruffy his appearance would be after a week imprisoned.  

Far away, carried by the reverberation of the undergrounds, the sound of steps from upstairs reached his ears. There was a scuffle between who he deduced were four people. Two guards, and two...

“I said let me IN!” 

Ah. 

Two idiots. His two idiots.

“I needn’t remind you that challenging His Royal authority will wind you up where you are so adamant to give us pass to. I can begin reciting all set laws you’d be violating”. 

The loudness in Logan’s voice surprised him. It was almost as if he intended for him to listen too. 

A heavy door opened with a low creak. Then steps rushing down the irregular stone stairs. 

“Janus!” 

Oh. His heart jumped and wailed at the shadows turning the corridor. A sweetness missing from his cheery, silly, and endearing voice. His idiot. 

A cloaked figure fell on his knees in front of him, yet the bars rendered him so far away. He removed his hood, and, there he was. With his curly blond hair, the freckles he’d counted so many nights and the round wire glasses he only wore in private. Patton, his lover, but, most importantly, the Crown Prince of the Kingdom of Ulidorean. Right behind him, as always, the royal advisor, also, his very good friend Logan Abinie. 

“What are you doing here? Does His Highness fancy tainting his reputation even more? I did deny our relationship, and anything that may have involved you with this mess, dear. Skillfully so. Have you any understanding of how hard that was? Well, of course not, because here you are, definitely not ruining all of my very light efforts on keeping your reputation untarnished. Lovely”. 

A pained smile graced Patton’s face, cutting him in half. He reached for the inside of the cell through the bars, to at least be able to touch him. 

“I’m sure those pants are not expensive at all. Thank goodness the guards bother to keep the floors spotless” Janus said as he gave in and got closer. 

Patton cupped his cheek, brushing some of the dirt away in a caress. Just as he always did. 

Not this time though. 

There was so much shit on Janus that not even a thousand caresses could unbury him out of the schemes that had brought him where he was. And, where was he? Oh, right, in a filthy cell, a night away from being executed. By hanging no less, and, oh, what a shame, for his windpipe looked so lovely whenever Patton pressed kisses alongside its column; but would, regardless, end up broken. 

All honey in his glance dripped on Janus leaving him with a bitter aftertaste. The brightest light in the world could not afford to be drowned in such sadness. 

“I’m going to save you” the whisper was so tiny he’d barely heard it. 

It felt like a love confession. ‘I’ll save you, he says, when he should rather save himself from me’. 

The half-born reptile looked up at the other person witnessing the prince’s lunacy. 

“You, get him out of here”. 

“No”.

“Great”. 

His scales popped, disentangling themselves from the glamour he had cast with blood magic, costing him a cut on his fingertips. At this point, he should be able to control his emotions. But no, apparently, there was no chance that the kingdom would not see his true visage. Dignity and death did not fit in fate’s plans for him. 

“How are you planning to do that exactly? Getting out of tricky situations was never your strong suit, my dear. That’s my job. And just look where it has led me. Where it has led us! You cannot ruin your chances with the crown when Earl Heeldwing and his supporters are threatening your father’s authority like they are”. 

“Roman is searching for the Dragon witch” he tried to argue. 

“So what? He may be your best knight, but he’s not your brightest one. Virgil is still wounded, and, without his help, he may never find the Dragon witch”. 

“You are not the only draconid descendant within the kingdom, the council knows this. If we manage to apprehend the Dragon witch and get her testimony we may be able to persuade the Circle of Elders to reconsider the nature of your penalty and earn the time needed in order to prove your innocence, but first, you must--” 

“Logan, goodness, I was not aware of the fact that there are many draconids in Ulidorean. Well, not that you mention that I’m sure it changes the circumstances. The Elders could not have possibly considered that! You are truly the genius everyone pegs you as”. 

“Jan, trust me. Everything will be fine, just let me help you”. 

“No!” he pulled apart and stood up. “Do you think I have not considered this? I made my appeal to them! I did try to persuade them and show them that I was framed! But nobody in the council believes me anymore. If the Circle of Elders are set on having my head, me, their main consul, then whichever meager testimony you find, will not make it through to a hearing! I am to be hanged by tomorrow morning. So I advise you to leave me alone and save yourselves the heartbreak!” 

“I am doing my best!”

“Yes, because surely doing your best is all it takes to change the world! This ridiculous willingness to believe in the good in others. People will condemn an innocent and the world shall not move a finger to stop it. Patton, your naivety is what brought us into this situation!”

Patton struggled to keep his breath steady after that, managing only a nod in response. 

“I did not mean that” Janus said as he pushed his body against the bars. 

“You said it still” he stood up. “Believing that there is good in others is what brought me to believe in you”. 

His chest twisted in pain when Patton pressed a kiss on his forehead and made a move to leave. Janus caught the soft hand before he never had a chance to again. 

“Please”. 

“Don’t be afraid, I will find a way to keep you safe, okay?”

The hand squeezed back and then let go. 

Seeing the dawn one last time. Maybe, if they moved him to the carriage early enough he could watch the sunrise before it got dark for good. 

The cell door opened.

A pair of handcuffs were quickly snapped closed on his wrists. 

Walking through the corridors he realised. ‘I don’t want to die’. 

He disentangled himself from the grip of the guards and he ran. Away, anywhere. 

‘I don’t want Patton to marry a noblewoman for heirs, I want him to marry me. I don’t care about what the court thinks anymore, I could not manipulate them. I want to wake up with him. I want to still be the Elders’ consul, I want to write law, I want my books, my house, my friends… I want to live’. 

One of the guards caught him. Janus was immobilised in the blink of an eye, the other guard hit him in the head and everything went black. 

Not for what seemed long enough. 

He woke up to the jolting of a carriage. Unexpectedly, a very nice looking carriage, rather than the disgusting ones which took the prisoners to the gallows. 

What? 

Impossible. Patton had made it. There was no other explanation. He… he did manage to save him! God. To hell with his views on the nonsense of the institution of marriage, he was going through that wedding Patton had always wished for. 

His vision finally focused. The concussion would not heal immediately, but he would have Patton by his side. 

By his side, he found Remus instead. 

“Remus?” 

“Hey, dragon penis. Long time no see. You got pretty roughed up in the dungeons”.

Remus by his side, and in front of him…

“Logan?” 

“Ah, you’re finally awake. You might be suffering from a concussion. It would be best if you rested for now. We will wake you once we get to the border”.  

“To the border?” Janus asked as he tried to sit up. 

A wave of nausea filled his esophagus. 

No. Not a good idea. 

“Rest. We will explain in time”. 

“What is going on?” 

“...” 

“Logan, you never keep quiet when someone asks a question, what mess…” 

“I can hit him in the head again, if you want” offered Remus, not sounding as joyful as usual, 

“Where’s Patton?” 

With that question, the world for everybody withing the carriage suddenly stopped. Logan tensed within seconds, even Remus held his breath back. They looked at each other in a way that conveyed far too much sympathy, especially considering their personalities. An unspoken message went between the two. Janus could almost hear it. It was a ‘we have to tell him’ kind of look, was it not? 

“He pleaded the principle of exchange using his royal power”. 

“No”. 

The principle of exchange was one of the laws introduced during the reign of Patton’s grandfather, it allowed for a person to exchange the penalty of a crime with that of a relative’s. It was intended as a way to prevent the most vulnerable members of a family to endure the hardness of a punishment they might not be able to withstand, while ensuring they received the impact of said punishment through the bond with their family. 

But, for that to happen… Patton must have recognised him as his spouse. Members of the crown could not be executed for a crime, only exiled. 

Then…

Oh no. 

Patton walked up the wooden planks that made the stairs of the gallows. It was worth it, he told himself. He even kept on telling that to himself when the Circle of Elders encouraged him to reconsider. Janus was convicted before he had made him his husband, which means that the veto on punishment by execution on the royal family did not stand for him. His grandfather had not thought this far ahead when he wrote down the law. One may stand in the place of a relative for a crime. That applied to everybody.

Including him. 

Logan and Remus would watch over Janus. 

Patton smiled in spite of it all. 

He did keep him safe.

...

I AM SO SORRY. 

[ladyalice101]

jonsa fic recs

alright, i’ve had a couple requests for recs, so here is my list. these are all fairly recent fics, all written this year i think. all of them are from my bookmarks on ao3, but i picked the recent ones which are my god-tier recs, my oh-my-god-i-love-this-so-much-i-think-i’m-going-to-die, the ones i reread. they have very little in common, but if you don’t find anything on here that tickles your fancy, then feel free to check out my bookmarks. i have just over 100 on there, and every single one on there are fics that i think are absolutely phenomenal.

for @abi117 @why-cant-i-be-careless and @orangeflavoryawp

canon divergent

Victory by moutainsbeyondmountains. one-shot, 5489k.

“You won already, Your Grace,” Tyrion said mournfully. “Enjoy your victory. There are no lands left to conquer. And there are no more dragons.”

if you read no other fic on this list, read this one. seriously. it’s d.ny pov, and glorious. genuinely, i couldn’t give this high enough praise. i reread this A LOT. like, a lot a lot. i could probably quote this fic.

I Want Something so Impure by @asilentfrenzy. one-shot, 10166k.

“You have caused this, you and your queen. You allowed her to speak to me that way, allowed her to order my obedience in my own home as if I’m to be her new dog to train. I am the Lady of Winterfell, and your inbred aunt has no right to-”

“Aye, you are the Lady of Winterfell,” he growled, his eyes flashing with an added flame of fury at the mention of the woman’s newly found relations to him. “The same Lady of Winterfell who not too long ago advised me to be smart, yet it seems that you can’t follow your own advice.”

“Be smart,” she repeated, filling her face with a look of mocking humor. “By kneeling? By allowing her to seize my title and command my people? Perhaps I should offer her these chambers as well. Better, I’ll just offer them to you again, seeing as I’m sure you’ll be sharing a bed. Shall I fuck her as well? As I want to be just as smart as you, Jon.”

so if you couldn’t tell from the summary, this one is sassy af. it features darkish/dominant!jon, which is my jam, and is pretty much just 10k of smut, which is also my jam.

it’s a small crime, and i’ve got no excuse by mxash. 5/5, 8214k.

“did you see her?” sansa snarled, a hand come to pull at his collar, pulling his mouth down only hairs from her own. “your targaryen queen has dressed as though she was a whore to catch your eye.” jon smirked as she bit his lip. what was this? dany had almost recoiled in her disgust and shock, but she hadn’t been able to pull herself away from the horrific sight. my lover and his own sister.

this one serves some dark!jonsa realness, and it deserves more comments/kudos. it is written entirely in lowercase, but don’t let that distract you. the characters are dark, and devoted, and who doesn’t love d.ny catching jon and sansa fucking? seriously, this one is a must-read.

Dark in Bloom by @orangeflavoryawp​. oneshot, 8304k.

"His gravity wavers, the axis of his world tilted to the measure of her lips." - Jon and Sansa. The stain of desire bleeds slowly between them.

yeah orange, i’m reccing one of your own fics to you. seriously though, this is just like ... mindblowing. i cannot overstate how much i love this one. i literally will just randomly remember it sometimes, when i’m just going about my daily business, and i’m like “shit, that fic by orange was a masterpiece. love it.” so, yeah, if that doesn’t tell you how much i love it, then idk what will.

what i’m asking by @amymel86​. oneshot, 1173k.

"I'm not here to talk about that," Theon says, setting off another, thankfully smaller coughing fit. "I'm here to talk about Sansa."

Jon can feel the blood drain from his face. "Is she ill?"

Theon shakes his head, lifting his eyes to Jon as he coughs into his fist. "No," he finally says, his lungs giving him a small reprieve. "The Queen is in her prime. Which is why you are needed."

okay, ya’ll obvi know of amy. she writes so much fantastic fic. but i feel like this one kind of flew under the radar? which is a CRIME tbh. this fic was so ... it was so heartbreaking, but in the best way. it’s not that divergent from canon, bc the main thing that is truly different is that theon lives. seriously love this fic.

A Toss of the Coin by Paige242. one-shot, 3793.

Years after the war, the Queen in the North and the pardoned Queenslayer welcome their first child. Old traits emerge, and Jon worries about this Dragon in a den of Wolves.

ok, so this is a future fic where jon and sansa married. i don’t even know how to describe this one. it isn’t jonsa focused, but that doesn’t make it any less brilliant. it is so unique, and i’m yet to read another fic that explores the idea of one of jonsa’s kids inheriting some targaryen madness. there IS a part two, which was just as amazing. pls do yourself a favour and read this!

Choose by @esther-dot​. oneshot, 5630k

“I know the cost of our loves. I know too well how they fall on the scale, one outweighing the other. I know what you tried to tell me. I know.” She was looking at him now, and he was afraid, but he would say the words that he had been unable to silence. “I never had the chance to choose you, but I would. I would choose you every time.”

THE DIALOGUE IN THIS IS INCREDIBLE. i just reread this to try and find my fave quote, but i actually can’t even pick. there are just so many amazing conversations, between sansa and jon, sansa and d.ny, arya and jon .. ugh, the list goes on. love this, please read.

Wink Wink, Nudge Nudge by alltheshinywords. one-shot, 3187k.

Post 8x03, slightly AU. Tormund and Jaime inexplicably find themselves becoming matchmakers when they notice a certain chemistry between Jon Snow and Sansa Stark. Extreme fluff and silliness.

this one is the least angsty on the list, and honestly it’s just such a good time. i remember reading this while s8 was airing, and honestly it was just so light hearted that i laughed out loud several times, despite being heartbroken over what happening in the show.

canon, but alternative universe

leave behind a love story by aetherae. one-shot, 9562k.

Maybe if things had been different, they wouldn't be like this. They would be worse.

ok, so, despite the summary, i naively went into this expecting a happy ending. yeah, so, no. however, this was one of the most interesting fics i’ve read in a while, because each universe it explored was so different to the ones i usually see floating around. and the writing was SUPERB.

i fell in love with a war (and nobody told me it ended) by mountainsbeyondmountains. one-shot, 18752k.

In which the North and the South have been at war for years, and Sansa unexpectedly finds herself on the run with a certain Targaryen bastard.

this is an avatar/bender au, and it is GLORIOUS. after i read this, i promptly devoured every other fic this author has written bc i loved it so much. the bending is just a backdrop to the amazing enemies-lovers this fic delivers.

modern au

Fuel and Fire by @zarahjoyce​. currently 4608k, 4/?, WIP.

"You see?" Sansa says, smiling now. "If you really have to have a room far away from me, seems like you need to move into a different hotel." As an afterthought she adds, "Or to another planet."

"Bet you'd just love that, wouldn't you?" Jon asks her.

"Loads," she snarls.

He takes a deep breath, all the while just looking at her.

Truth be told Jon will give anything in the world to be able to just-- just--

-

Jon and Sansa, and all the tropes applicable to them.

All. The. Tropes.

ok so zarah in general writes AMAZING fic, they’re always so creative and inventive and i’m always genuinely shook by the fic they write. but like, this one is the god tier one BC TROPES.

when we kiss: mmmm, fire by @dancemajicdance​. 8/8, 39705k.

Sansa might be seeing someone casually, but thanks to Arya, Robb, and Theon, it’s Jon who’s got the inside track on how to get Sansa to take him seriously.

aka: the one where jon finds out that sansa has a daddy kink, and he uses it to seduce her away from the dating scene and into his arms, heeeey-oh!

yes yes, it’s a daddy kink fic, and it’s fucking glorious alright. if that’s not your thing though (even though i’m pretty sure this fic is EVERYONE’S thing) then please, for the love of god, check out the rest of their stuff on ao3. you won’t regret it. even though they don’t write much jonsa anymore, the prolific contributions they HAVE made will go down in history as some of the best jonsa ever written imo.

As Long As We're Going Down by @alienor-woods​. 9/12, currently 42228k, WIP.

Four years after Stannis Baratheon wins the Battle of the Blackwater, Sansa Stark finds herself summoned back to King's Landing to serve as a bridesmaid at Crown Princess Shireen's wedding. When King Stannis tries to marry Sansa off to his illegitimate nephew, Edric, she thinks quick and tells him she's already married--

--to her bodyguard, Jon Snow.

i actually don’t know how to explain how much i love this. it’s written so beautifully, and it’s so realistic and just ugh. read it. the adaption to modern royalty is the best i’ve ever read, and the characters are very raw, and very realistic. (also, yes, the characters have gotten together at this point in the story, in case you were scared of committing to a wip without the satisfaction of some hot and heavy scenes).

[bnhabadass]

could I request a Kirishima x reader where reader is Hawk's little sister with the same quirk and meeting Kiri his first instinct: "Ship name: Rock Solid Chicken!" and used to his shit they're like "Yeah yeah Hot Wings" (I ship hawksdabi I cannot lie)

Pairing: Kirishima x ReaderWarnings: Kinda angsty

A/N: I was not expecting this to turn out the way it did. Sorry, anon, if you just wanted some cute fluff (I promise there’s a happy ending). I’ve never written angst before it just sort of came out this way. Regardless, I hope you enjoy!

“Are you sure you have everything?” your brother asked. “You’ve got your costume and all of your textbooks?”

“For the last time, Takami, I’m all set,” you laughed. “Stop being a worrisome little bitch and just let me go to school.”

The pro hero laughed and pulled you into a tight hug, giving you a nuggie in the process. You tried flapping your wings in an attempt to get away, but his grip was too strong. “Knock ‘em dead, tiger,” he said, finally letting you go.

You smiled and waved him off as you ran to UA campus. This is it, you thought. This is where I will become one of the greatest heros.

---

“Class 1-a,” you said to yourself. “Where are you where are you where– Ouch!” You didn’t realize but had run into another student, one with a hardening quirk it seemed. When you ran into him it seemed to have startled him and he activated his quirk in self defense.

The boy turned around from the conversation he was having and looked down at you. “Oh crap I’m so sorry,” he said. He watched as you slowly brought your hand down from your nose, revealing it to be bruised and bloody.

“It’s fine,” you said, not realizing how bad the situation actually was. “Does it look bad?” You looked up at the boy, whose eyes sunk back at the sight in front of him.

“Looks...fine,” he said, although you could tell he was lying by the look on the person’s face he was talking to earlier. The blonde boy was shaking his head vigorously signifying that no, it did not look fine. “Why don’t I walk you to recovery girl’s office.”

You nodded and walked with the red head. “I’m Kirishima by the way,” he said.

“(L/n).” Your hand was cupped under your nose in order to catch any blood. Your wings started to twitch as the pain from your nose finally began to sink in.

“Sorry for asking this, I mean you probably get it a lot, but are you related to the number three pro hero Hawks?” Kirishima had the look of ebullience spread across his face.

You laughed a little, but pulled back as that made the pain worse. “Yeah I do get that a lot,” you said. “He’s actually my older brother.”

“No way!” The excitement in Kirishima’s voice was unprecedented, cute almost. “What’s he like?”

You smiled. You knew you would be bombarded with questions about the hero which you were not looking forward to. But this was not what you expected. You supposed you could handle one-on-one questions about your brother. “Well I’m a little biased because he can be super annoying,” you said. “He’s like a worrying mother when it comes to me,” you said. “But he’s really determined when it comes to his hero work.”

“Awesome,” Kirishima said. His eyes were wide, like those of a puppy being shown a delicious treat. “So manly!”

From there on out, you and Kirishima became best friends. You ate lunch together, trained together, and he even convinced Bakugo to let you study with them. Kirishima was your partner in crime. The two of you were invincible if you stuck together.

You were at home, sprawled across the couch, texting Kirishima when Takami came into the living room. “Hey,” he said, making his way to the fridge for the leftover takeout from the night before. “How was school?”

But you didn’t hear him. You were smiling at your phone as you watched the typing symbol pop up, the three dots moving up and down.

Your brother frowned at you when you gave no response. He walked up to you and swiped the phone out of your hands.

“Hey!” You tried grabbing it back, but he was pushing your face away as he read the texts.

“Who is Kiri heart emoji?” he asked, showing you that cheesy grin he would give you whenever he knew he’d be able to embarrass you.

“H-he’s no one.” You pulled off two of your feathers and point them directly at him.

Your brother widened his eyes, impressed and a little flattered that you had been practicing one of his ultimate moves. “Alright alright,” he said, cautiously handing your phone back to you. But the smirk never left his face. “I won’t pry.”

You took the phone back, but found yourself disappointed when you saw the three dots in the typing bubble were still bouncing up and down. You continued staring until they stopped and your eyes widened, only to receive a laughing crying emoji seconds later.

Your disappointment didn’t go unnoticed by your brother. “You know,” he said. “I’m not telling you that you can’t date anyone.”

“Stop,” you said, not looking up.

“There’s nothing wrong with liking someone.”

“I don’t like him so stop, please.”

Your brother nodded at you but he knew you were lying. Not only to him but to yourself. And that lying to yourself went on for a while. It got to the point where you began actively avoiding Kirishima, just to prove a point.

“Did I do something wrong?” Kiri asked you one day.

“Not at all.” You refused to look up from the book you were pretending to read.

“Because I feel like we were becoming really close friends and now you’re ignoring me all of a sudden.” He went to scratch the back of his neck. “Did I say something?”

You felt your face get hot. You didn’t want to have this conversation. Not here, not now, not ever. “You didn’t do anything.” Then you stood up and left, not realizing how heartbroken you had left your best friend.

A month went by and you continued to avoid Kirishima like the plague, and by doing that, you ended up convincing yourself that you hated him. You wouldn’t speak to him or even look in his direction. After school you went straight over to your brother’s agency where you would continue training your quirk. You got strong. You trained outside of class almost as much as Midoriya did. And people could tell you had gotten stronger.

“(L/n) that was awesome!” You looked over and smiled at Uraraka, who was watching you train in Gym Gamma.

“Heh. Thanks.”

She handed you a towel and you wiped your face and under your arms with it. You hadn’t tried anything that rigorous in a while, so you were panting like a dog. You turned around after hearing the all too familiar voice of Bakugo yelling. “Hey shitty hair! Pay attention or I’m gonna blast you so far up in the air you’re not gonna remember your own name.”

You turned your head to face Kirishima, or “shitty hair” as Bakugo liked to call him. He was staring at you, watching you train.

“You know,” Uraraka said. You snapped your head to look at her. “He really misses you. You should talk to him about what happened.”

“Nothing happened,” you said. Your eyes averted to the ground and you fidgeted with the towel. You were still panting heavily.

“You can’t lie to me, (L/n),” Uraraka said. “I know that you have a huge crush on him and just refuse to admit it.”

“I don’t like him,” you snapped. “I hate him.” Your face began turning red. You truly despise him. At least you’d like to believe you do.

“Okay,” Uraraka said. “Let’s pretend you really hate him.”

“I do,” you snapped at her.

“Okay okay.” She shot her hands up defensively. “Why do you hate him?”

You were at a loss for words. Why do I hate him? “I just do.”

“But you two were best friends at the beginning of the school year. What happened to make you hate him like this?”

You paused, thinking about your words before speaking up. “I don’t know. He just...aggravates me so much. Like every time I look at him this pit forms in my stomach and I can’t stand it.” You clench your stomach with your hand and hunched over to sit on the gym floor. “It’s like he’s messing with my brain and I get all hot around him, and I can’t stand him for it.”

Uraraka looked at you, expecting you to continue. When you didn’t, she just laughed. “(L/n),” she said. “The way you feel around Kirishima is the way I feel around Deku.”

Your angry expression dropped. “Huh? But Midoriya is one of your best friends. Besides, I thought you had the hots for him.”

“Exactly!” She threw her arms up in the air for emphasis. “(L/n), have you ever had a crush on someone?”

You thought for a moment. Surely there was someone you’d liked in the past. But looking back, you couldn’t think of anyone. “I’m not sure I’ve ever liked anyone like that.”

“But you like Kirishima like that.” She gave you a cheeky smirk.

“No I don’t!” you all but shrieked. A couple people training looked over at you, but you paid them no mind. “Besides isn’t falling for someone supposed to be, i dunno, magical? I feel like absolute crap around him.”

“That’s the thing, though.” Uraraka looked down and smiled to herself, getting caught up in her own thoughts. “When you care about someone that much it can do weird things to you, and when you see them having fun with another person, that can make you feel crappy. That crappy feeling is jealousy.”

You turned back to look at Kirishima, who was laughing at something Bakugo said. You felt that pit form in your stomach again. “But I also feel this pit when he’s alone or even when he’s trying to talk or text me.”

Uraraka giggled again. “It’s not just jealousy. It’s a longing to be with them. It’s your mind telling you to go to them in a bizaar sort of way. Love is kind of stupid that way, but when you finally confess it’ll be like a weight off your chest.”

You thought about it for a second. “Does this mean you’re in love with Midoriya,” you asked. The same cheeky grin she gave your earlier spread across your own face as she turned even pinker than before.

“Love? No no love isn’t how I’d put it,” she said in a frantic manner. “Did I say love? I meant above like ahh look above. Haha yeah that!”

You laughed. She was so calm before and now she was a flustered mess. “It’s okay,” you said. “I promise I won’t tell.”

That got her to relax a little, but her face was still bright red.

You sighed and looked over at Kirishima, who was dodging Bakugo’s attacks. “If this is what love feels like I never want to be in love again.” Telling Uraraka made your stomach feel a bit lighter, but looking back at Kiri it was still there.

Uraraka stood up. “You should talk to him,” she said. “I guarantee it’ll make you feel better.”

It took a lot of convincing to get you to talk to him. After class you stayed in the bathroom for thirty minutes feeling like you were going to puke. When you finally convinced yourself to approach him you noticed it was raining; lightly, but it was still raining.

Your umbrella was large since you hated the feeling of having wet wings. But when you saw Kirishima sitting on a bench outside of campus you couldn’t care less about them. His legs were spread and he resting his elbows on his knees, head in hands as if he were contemplating something.

You walked over to him and stuck your umbrella out over his head, making him look up at you. There the two of you were, making intense eye contact that couldn’t be broken. You were the first one to speak. “I’m sorry I’ve been such an asshole lately.” You looked down as that pit in your stomach came back. You tried to ignore it. “You’ve been nothing but kind to me since we started school here. I even thought of you as my best friend.”

The breath in Kirishima’s lungs hitched, but he didn’t interrupt you.

You continued looking down at your shoes, not having the courage to look back up at him. “I don’t deserve your friendship, but if we could start over and if you could give me a second chance I promise that I will do better.”

Kirishima let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. He waited a few seconds before speaking up. “Why did you ignore me, though? It just feels like out of nowhere you started hating me and I don’t know why.”

You finally looked up at him. The soft tears flowing steadily from your eyes and down your cheeks made took him by surprise. “I never hated you,” you said. “I think I’m in love with you.”

His mouth was agape. He slowly stood up as you started to crumble down before him into a sobbing mess. He held you in his strong arms as you wept, apologizing over and over again. And he kept saying it’s alright even though you knew it wasn’t. The two of you stayed like that for a long time; too long to count. Your umbrella was long gone by now, having been blown away by the wind. The rain had picked up to a heavier pitter-patter on the sidewalk.

“(Y/n),” he said, looking down at you. You looked up at him with pleading eyes, as he had yet to answer your question. “I’ve thought about it for a while. And, I think I might be in love with you too.”

At that moment you let out the biggest sob you could imagine. It was more of a scream than anything. You thought you had let out all of the tears in your body, as for the last few minutes you were only letting out dry tears while making constipated looking faces in an attempt to cry. But in that moment you never felt so gross.

Kirishima held you closer and shifted his position so he was sitting on the bench and you were being cradled in his lap. When you had finally calmed down you never wanted to leave that position. Kiri’s lap was so comfortable. It made you feel so secure.

“Can you forgive me?” You asked. The back of your throat felt like it was on fire as it swelled with old tears and mucus. Your senses were logged with the overpowering smell of rain water.

“That depends,” Kirishima said, a smirk gracing his face. “Will you be my girlfriend?”

You looked like you were about to cry again, but you didn’t. Instead you nodded your head vigorously, and Kirishima laughed. Neither of you had felt this happy in a very long time.

---

Everyone was surprised the next day when you and Kirishima were talking with each other just like old times. It was almost like the last month never happened. All of your friends, except Uraraka of course, asked question after question. “Are you guys friends again?” and “What's up with you and Kirishima?” kept ringing through your ears. But everyone caught on to what was happening when the entire class walked in on you guys making out in the classroom when you thought they’d all be gone for a while.

You two were the power couple of your class. I mean, it helped that you were the only couple of your class, but the two of you were practically inseparable. You continued going strong throughout the rest of your first semester, and you got even stronger second semester.

That brings us to where you are today, lounging on the floor or Kirishima’s dorm room, flipping through a textbook you were barely skimming.

“Can I say something?” he said.

Your ears perked up. “What’s up?” You closed the textbook with a loud thud.

“The first day we met, you know when you told me Hawks is your brother...”

“You mean the day you accidentally broke my nose?” You laughed.

“Well I had this idea,” he said, purposely avoiding the fact that your first interaction was a particularly bloody one. “For a ship name.”

Your eyes widened and the smile on his face grew bigger. “Well don’t leave me hanging!” you said, and he laughed.

“Alright alright alright. Rock Solid Chicken.”

You blinked a few times, trying your hardest to ignore the fact that your brother eats chicken and other birds on a day to day basis. You burst out laughing. Not only because it was kind of ridiculous, but because you actually kind of liked it.

“What do you think?” Kiri looked like puppy.

“Yeah yeah, hot wings,” you said. “Alright, I’ll admit it’s pretty good.”

“Hot wings?” Kirishima asked.

Your face was already flushed from laughing so hard, but as he looked at you with a devilish smirk you could feel your cheeks grow hotter. “Hey,” you said. “I see it how it is.”

“In that case,” Kirishima stood up and hardened his skin. He flexed even harder, showing off his muscles. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

[lifeisdabubbles-undersalmondean]

La Pomme ~ Chapter Five

Pairing: Sam x OC (eventual Dean x OC and Dean x Castiel. And I mean eventual.)

Series summary: George is a casual French-Mistake-universe Supernatural fan living in no-COVID 2020, who's life is upended when she's suddenly launched between realities, two years into the boys' past (S13E22). What begins as an insane, immersive fan experience turns into more when Jack goes missing and George offers up her AU information to help track him down. Soon it's discovered that she and Sam may actually have history. But that's impossible, right?

Word Count: 4,300

Warnings: {smut, fluff, angst, show level violence, swearing, mentions of suicide} ***Detailed warnings will be tagged for specific chapters.

A/N: Following the events of my prequel Paradise and second story From My Eyes Off. Reading those first gives context but isn’t necessary to start this one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two weeks later-and still no closer to finding MichaelDean-Jack was searching the bunker for Sam or Cas. He was having a shit day and needed to talk to someone, but so far his search was turning up empty. In fact, it seemed like the whole bunker was empty. He had a bad feeling that they'd all taken off for hunts and left without telling him. Again.

He'd just turned down the hallway along the kitchen, heading back to his room to stew, when he saw movement out of the corner of his eye. His head jerked toward it and he saw someone, dressed in thick black leggings and a grey racerback tank top with a solid purple flannel button down on top, opening the door to the fridge. It was that strange blonde woman again, the one he'd seen in Sam's room weeks ago. Maybe she knew where he was?

Walking into the kitchen, he began, "Hello agai-"

"Ah!" The woman leapt about a foot in the air and whirled around to him, the fridge door slamming closed. When she saw it was just him, she placed a hand on her chest and sighed, "Damn, dude."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," He apologized. "George, right?" She nodded hesitantly and he asked, "Have you seen Sam or Castiel anywhere?"

George shrugged casually and said, "No, but I think I heard someone say Sam left last night on a rougarou run to Dunning?" More like, you know he's on a rougarou run in Dunning because you've refused to leave your room for the last few weeks if he's in the bunker. She'd successfully been able to avoid Sam since waking up in his bed. That had been dangerous territory, so she'd been taking extra precautions to avoid him, and most everyone else, since. Which made it somewhat difficult to try and track down Rowena, who, George noticed, had seemingly done nothing to try and track HER down so far. She was beyond ticked with her now.

"Oh," Jack looked crestfallen and slowly nodded his head, "Alright. Thanks."

When Jack turned to leavesee she couldn't help herself and called, "Hey, wait…" He turned back toward her reluctantly and she almost lost her nerve, you shouldn't be doing this, "Uhh… what can I do to help?" He frowned at her and she squirmed awkwardly, "Sorry, I realize you don't know me at all, but… you seem upset, so I had to ask."

He considered her for a minute and then sighed frustratedly, "Sam-and everyone else-just keeps… leaving without telling me and-"

"You keep getting left behind?" She asked sympathetically. When he gave her an annoyed look, she smiled a little, "Sorry. I was left out a lot growing up, so I know how frustrating it can feel."

Jack's shoulders slumped and he let out an annoyed huff, sitting down at the kitchen table. "Now that my powers are gone, they all treat me like a child. They don't think I can handle anything! I'm not useless, I can do things! I can hunt! Or, at least I can be taught how to hunt, but they're all too busy!"

George deep sighed empathetically and moved to sit across from him, "Jack, you're not useless... you are young, though. And that's not a bad thing! But it does mean that sometimes you aren't ready to do certain things, even when it feels like you are." The look on his face didn't change and she smirked, "I know that isn't what you want to hear. I'm sure you'll want to hear this even less, but I wish I'd had this advice when I was your age so here you go: take the opportunity to enjoy being young and carefree and protected, even when it feels frustrating. Because… trust me when I say that you're lucky to have it and it really won't last."

"How can I enjoy it when I'm so pissed all the time?" Jack whined defeatedly. He seemed amenable to her advice but didn't know where to start.

She chuckled and shrugged, "Well, when I was a lonely, angsty teen-no offense-I used music. And video games… and food," She finished with a jokingly regrettable tone. "I wouldn't take my advice on the food, though," with a small smile she patted her fluffy midsection and he smiled with her.

Jack was studying her for a minute before asking, "What kind of music?"

"Oh, only the most angsty teen pop music the early aughts could provide: Linkin Park, Good Charlotte, Evanescence, Avril Lavigne-not the singles, the albums."

"Dean discourages pop music."

"Shocking," George muttered with a chuckle.

"What?" He asked curiously.

She shook her head, "Nothing-er-OK, so maybe not music. Have you got any video games here?"

Jack shook his head, "No."

George smirked and asked, "Let me guess, Dean discourages those too?"

Jack nodded and said, "He says it's because they'll rot my brain, but I'm pretty sure he just doesn't know how to play them and feels intimidated."

George laughed, "Yea, I would say that was probably a guarantee. The last time in his life he'd have had the luxury to play them was probably Atari?" Jack gave her a funny look. How would she know? Noticing the look she said quickly, "I mean, I assume. He just has that super old guy vibe ya know?"

Jack accepted her explanation and asked, "What kind of video games did you play?"

"Lots of different kinds. My favorite is probably N64. Those games were the best. Resident Evil, Goldeneye, Donkey Kong, Banjo Kazooie! All were personal favorites."

"Are those games still around? Can you still play them?" Jack wondered.

"If you buy all the equipment, yea? You have to get them used, probably Ebay or Gamestop or whatever."

"Gamestop?" He asked excitedly. "I know that place! There's one in town not far from here! Would they have the video games you're talking about?"

George looked confused. Why did he sound so excited all of a sudden? "Er… maybe, but-"

"Let's go!"

"WHAT?! Absolutely not."

"Please! You said video games would be a good distraction!"

"Jack, are you kidding? If Sam and Dean found out I took you out of the bunker without your powers, they'd have to stand in line behind Castiel to strangle me!"

"Please!" He begged.

She tried to be logical, "I-I don't have any money."

"Dean gave me a credit card!"

Damn. Instead she reasoned, "How would we get there?"

"I know where they keep the keys to Baby?"

Her face fell instantly and she asked, "Do you genuinely want to see me dead, Jack? If so, there are far less painful ways to accomplish that."

"Can't you drive?"

"Yes, I can drive, but there is no way we are doing this-especially not in that car. I cannot stress enough how badly this would turn out. This is literally the start of every episode! And when the bad idea goes wrong? You end up kidnapped and I end up dead!... Or worse: Winchestered!" When he just looked at her, confused, she said simply, "Jack, I'm sorry, but it's really not a good idea for us to leave the bunker. I can't fight, like, at all. If we got into a hairy situation, I couldn't do anything to protect you!"

He ignored her and kept begging, "George, please! You said that I needed to appreciate the opportunity to be young and to enjoy my time stuck here, so! Help me! We can take someone else with us, someone who can protect us both?"

Frowning at the desperate expression on his young, naive, baby face, she started considering it. I mean, if we took someone with us who knew how to fight it couldn't be that bad of an idea right? We could be in and out! Suddenly, every episode of Supernatural flooded her brain at once and she winced, shaking her head, "I'm sorry, but no, Jack. There is no one here that I would trust to be able to protect you enough to agree to do this."

"What about me?" Both of their necks snapped toward the doorway and found Sam standing there with an amused smile on his gorgeous, bearded face.

Whoa. George's jaw dropped. If she'd known he'd been growing that, she wouldn't have been avoiding him so hard. She was definitely feeling some kinda way about that beard.

"Sam!" Jack said nervously. "We were ju-"

"Planning to sneak out the window past curfew and go buy video games?" Sam shook his head with a couple teasing tsks and George couldn't help but chuckle.

Jack frowned, looking over at her and then back to Sam, "No... there aren't any windows in the bunker? We were just going to take one of the cars from the garage and drive there."

"No. We weren't!" George stood up and pointed a finger at him adamantly, "We weren't going to do anything that involved leaving or driving Baby or risking your life in any way!"

"Well, whatever you were doing," Sam interjected calmly and firmly, taking a step into the room, "I actually don't think it's a bad idea."

Jack leapt up excitedly, "Really?!" George echoed his excited 'really' with a surprised one of her own.

"Yeah. I know these last few weeks have been hard on you and if it'll help relieve some of the frustration and boredom, then," Sam paused, mulling it over before nodding, "why not?"

"Thanks, Sam!" Jack looked at George with an excited expression and she couldn't help but smile nervously at him.

"You're welcome," Sam smiled kindly, then added, "But I need a shower first. Give me 30 minutes?"

Jack nodded happily and then scurried off to wait, Sam slapping a hand on his back gently as he exited. When Sam turned back to George, she looked nervous still.

With a gulp, she asked, "Thought you were in Dunning?" Damn if he didn't look hot with that beard.

"Another team got there first. Didn't need the help after all," He explained. "You been checking on me?" He asked curiously.

Her mouth dropped open and she sputtered out a quick and pointed, "No!" giving him an offended expression, though the blush was hard to miss. She found his face frustratingly unreadable. Worried that he might be annoyed about their scheming, she tried to relax a bit and cleared her throat, "Listen, I'm really sorry. I was just trying to cheer him up; I never expected him to get the idea to leave the bunker. And-and, I never would have-"

"It's OK, you don't have to explain," Sam assured her, "I heard you guys talking. I know it was him. He has a tendency to get an idea and run with it; it's exhausting sometimes," He chortled, rubbing a tired hand over his face and she smiled understandingly.

George had a realization and frowned, asking, "Er… exactly how long were you listening?"

"Hmm, I got here right around…" He closed one eye in mock contemplation and finished with a smirk, "Avril Lavigne?"

George rolled her eyes in embarrassment and said, "OK, hold on. Listen, I'm not saying the singles! The albums have good stuff, very different from what the record company tried to force her singles to be. You have to hear the album before you judge, Sam! And I was a teenager!"

He chuckled and held his hands up. Despite the grin on his face he managed a serious tone, "Hey, I'm no hater boi."

Pinching the bridge of her nose and closing her eyes tightly, she muttered, "Ugh, Christ."

She heard him practically giggle and then say, "I'm sure it's complicated."

"Cool. Well, I'm just going to go ahead and leave now," George said pointedly, glaring at him playfully. He laughed, watching her head for the exit. She paused at the doorway to pat him on the shoulder roughly, "Let you get ready for your Father-Son bonding time."

"Hold up, you're coming with us, right?" Sam asked, suddenly looking concerned.

George, who was out in the hallway by now, turned back with a surprised expression and shrugged, "No?"

Sam gave her a look of impatience, "How will we know what to get?"

"Uh… I can make you a list?"

"What if we can't find something?"

"Congratulations, you just discovered what sales associates are for!" She cracked, smirking at his impish questioning. He knew darn well that they did not need her to go.

Sam narrowed his eyes at her stubbornness and finally pointed out, "I think Jack would like you to come."

Suddenly her expression was dubious and she said, "I doubt that. He barely knows me, we just met. Or-sort of," She blushed suddenly remembering the reason she'd been avoiding Sam in the first place. The memory of waking up in his bed conjured up in her mindseye in an instant. With a swallow, she insisted, "He just needed an adult to take him to the store and you're here now, so-"

Sam cut her off gently, "Listen, I heard most of that conversation. You were connecting with him, George. Making him feel better, which I can tell you from experience is not easy to do. I could be wrong here, but I think this is something he would like to share with you." There was a nervous, maybe even panicked expression on her face and she didn't respond.

Sam took a few steps into the hallway to stand in front of her and smiled charmingly, admitting, "And, I would like it if you came, too."

She furrowed her brow at him suspiciously, her heart beating faster all of a sudden, "You would?"

Sam nodded, "Yea. Do you know how long I've been checking my corners for beautiful women?" When her jaw dropped satisfyingly, he looked at his watch and said, "So, thirty minutes, right? More like twenty five now, I better hurry!" then walked briskly away with a wink.

Blinking rapidly, she stood there staring dumbfounded into the now empty hallway. Since when was Sam Mr. Smooth with the lines around here?!

After being frozen in place for too long, she looked up at the ceiling again and said, "OK, seriously, if anyone is recording this, I'll give you whatever you want for a copy of that, too!"

Then, shaking herself out of her stupor she panicked. She's supposed to be staying away from these people, not joining them on outings! What was she thinking? This was such a bad idea.

George sat in her tiny room of requirement, mulling over her options.

Option one, "Don't Fuck Up the Timeline," was to make an excuse and stay behind, avoiding people at all costs from now on. No more making friends with the sad little half-angels! And certainly no more thinking about Sam's beard.

Option two, "Sam's Beard (working title)," was taking advantage of a once in a lifetime opportunity by tagging along on this risky misadventure and enjoying herself.

On one hand she knew from watching shows exactly like this that screwing with a timeline could have disastrous results. But, on the other hand, it sounded like fun. And she'd been cooped up in this bunker for weeks! Plus, Sam said he wanted her to go. How could she say no to that bea-to him?

With a frustrated growl she launched herself up off the bed and stomped out of the room. She knew what she had to do.

George nervously walked up to Sam's bedroom door. You just have to tell him: you can't go. Period. Maybe Jack will be disappointed but… he'll get over it! You can't be messing around with the storylines; God knows what ramifications it could have! God knows what you've already fucked up by interacting with them! You have to stay away!

But… Did it kinda seem like Sam liked her…? Like, like-liked her. At the very least she was getting serious DTF vibes, and it was making her positively gooey. She definitely didn't remember him being so… forward on the show. Wasn't he the shy one? Either way, it was incredibly attractive. And with that damn beard? Her loins were on fire. She always knew he'd look amazing with some facial hair.

Ugh, stop it! You're being r.i.d.i.c.u.l.o.u.s. Sam Winchester. Does not. Like you! You have to keep your distance and wait for Rowena to send you back. You're risking messing with the entire fabric of the Supernatural universe and, in turn, your own! And you call yourself a fan, you should be ashamed. What is wrong with you?

Then again, you did wake up in his bed… The thought made her heart skip a beat and her head pound with frustration. As curious as she was, she knew it was dangerous territory to explore. With a deep, calming breath, she knocked herself on the forehead sharply a couple times before reaching up and knocking on his door next.

When it opened a few moments later, she was face to chest with the gorgeous giant, who was currently dressed in dark jeans and a grey, short-sleeved, v-neck undershirt. She guessed she'd interrupted him before he'd had a chance to throw on his trademark plaid on top. It was a disconcerting look, one she wasn't used to from him; almost like seeing him naked.

Oh, please don't go there.

Slowly, she looked up and her mouth went dry. His beautiful hair was still wet from the shower and slicked back out of his face. The scruffy beard was still there, too; praise Jesus.

When she met his eye, there was a happy, curious expression on his face. He reached a muscled arm up and looked at his watch, asking "Am I late? I'm almost rea-"

"Nono, no. You aren't late." Cutting him off gently, she shook her head, "I just came to give you this," she held out a piece of paper to him, which he took with a raised brow. "And to say that, as much as I'd like to, I can't go with you. It's just... safer that way," She finished vaguely.

"Safer?"

She nodded definitively, trying to sound firm without getting specific, "Yes, safer. Too many things could go wrong."

"At Gamestop?" He smirked suspiciously.

George narrowed her eyes and thought about it for a moment. Of course, she'd meant 'on Supernatural' but she obviously couldn't tell him that so she nodded slowly, "Right… at Gamestop. Sure… I mean, they'll let any riff raff in there."

Sam looked down at the list of video game supplies, amused yet confused. When he looked back at her face he said, half smiling, "OK… well, not to sound full-of-myself, but I think I can handle any potential 'riff raff'."

"I-I know, I know!" She placed a fingertip on either side of her forehead and squeezed. Good lord. OK, just stay focused. Do. Not. Go. "I have no doubt that you're very willing and able to handle things." She eyed his large arms appreciatively and then cleared her throat, "It's just… um, you just never know what could happen-especially here," his eyebrow furrowed curiously at the emphasis, "er-I mean, at Gamestop. And if-God forbid-anything did happen and my presence somehow… negatively affected things… like your ability to protect Jack-er, uh..." The curiously amused expression he was giving her was causing her to stumble. She took another deep breath and refocused: "This is supposed to be a fun experience for Jack, right? I just think it's important that that's the focus. That list is everything you'll need for him to get set up. If they don't have the games I listed," she pointed to the list in his hands and he looked down at it again, "there are plenty of others that I'm sure the workers can recommend."

Sam started to talk and she caved, cutting him off again, "And-and if this is really something he wanted me to be part of-which I'm still dubious about-then, I'll be here when you guys get back! I can help get him set up and show him a few of the games. I don't mind that, I... guess," She finished with a small gulp. She knew it was best to stay away completely but she had a feeling it was a little too late now. "I just don't think leaving the bunker is a good idea. For me. Please." She finally met his eye and pleaded a little, "Sam, if anything happened to him or to-to you, I could never forgive myself." And neither would hundreds of thousands of fans.

Sam's expression was half curious, half amused, and all charmed. He thought for a moment, looked back down at the list, and then nodded slowly. His smile was kind as he said, "OK. If you feel that strongly about it, then stay."

"Thank you." She let out a relieved sigh, then grimaced a bit.

"You OK?" Sam asked with a concerned half-smile.

"I just… I know staying back is the right thing, but I feel bad." She admitted with a small shrug. "Do you really think Jack is going to be disappointed?"

Sam's eyes softened and he shrugged softly before turning and walking back into his room. As he picked up a green and black checkered plaid shirt that was laying on his bed and put it on, he said, "I think so, a little bit, but I can handle it. Not to worry." As he buttoned the shirt, he slipped his feet into his giant shoes.

He'd been about to say something about his personal disappointment at her staying-something he'd hoped would make her jaw drop adorably once again. But her eyes were roving his room with a pensive expression and it caused him to pause. He raised an eyebrow, watching her. Something about her had seemed vaguely familiar since he first saw her in that hallway. Yet, he still couldn't place her, which bothered him; it was unusual for him not to remember a name with a face. He had a great memory.

Is she someone we helped on a hunt? Maybe she went to Stanford? Did we… have a fling at some point? Nothing was jogging his memory, but he felt strangely, intimately drawn to her.

"George, can I ask… Ha-have we met before?" Narrowing his eyes in thought he added, "Did you go to Stanford? Maybe we shared a class?"

George looked at him like he was crazy, "Uh… er… Uh, see, I'm not-" As she stuttered out a response, he kicked himself.

She's from Apocalypse World! Moron. Obviously, it wasn't possible that they'd met before.

"Oh, god, I'm sorry. What a stupid question." Sam shook his head, chuckling in embarrassment. "You just… you look familiar, so I was just trying to figure out the connection," He trailed off, staring at her curiously again.

"Oh?" Was all she could muster, squirming uncomfortably under his gaze. She was horribly embarrassed to admit even to herself that she felt a strong pull from him, too. Something about him put her at ease while simultaneously making her want to burst into a million happy pieces and cover the world in a confetti of her joy and love. Hell, something about being here at all eased all her normal feelings of depression and unrest so wonderfully, she'd hardly put that much effort into tracking Rowena down at all, not that she'd admit that to anyone. But, obviously, the only reason she felt like this was just the amazement, the adventure, the celebrity of it all, and especially him. She knew there was no way in this universe they'd ever met; the last thing she needed was him taking an interest either way.

Swallowing any further conversation she might have been tempted to engage in, she began to step back from his doorway slowly but said quickly, "Yea, ya know, people tell me I have one of those faces. Anyway, tell Jack I'm really sorry and to have fun. I can come find you in a bit to see what ya'll come back with?" Just before turning and fleeing she said, "Oh, and make sure to get a couple extra controllers. Those are always the first to break, especially when you're just starting."

Before he could stop her, she left down the hallway and turned a corner. He almost went after her but then couldn't think of a valid reason. She wasn't coming and Jack was waiting for him. So, he grabbed his gun, collected the keys, and hoped it wouldn't be another three weeks before he saw her again.

[nev3rfound]

steer clear : b.b

brief summary: being a close friend of sams and him wanting bucky to keep away from you based on your past relationship, but that doesn’t stop bucky from trying

word count: 2.1k requested: yes! by @tearsforhan thanks g :) warnings: none that i’m aware of. bit angsty but nothing major

* masterlist of sorts *

“-and then he kept doing laps around me like I was the snail in the race.” Sam raises his arms in defeat as you laugh along with the story. 

Bucky tenses at the sound of your laugh echoing through the corridor leading toward him. He glances down at his spoon, hoping he looks half decent and practises his best smile, the sort that always swooned girls back in his day. 

“Didn’t realise you were up,” Sam calls out as both of you enter the kitchen, you trailing behind Sam almost going unnoticed until you tuck your hair behind your ear. 

His blue eyes follow your figure, ignoring Sam entirely until Sam clears his throat, snapping Bucky’s attention back to his friend. “Yeah, I, I couldn’t sleep.” He huffs lightly before returning to his coffee whilst you sit opposite him, a mug already in your grip as your fingertips tap the mug rhythmically.

“Mind still troubling you, Buck?” You ask nonchalantly, not aware of Sam’s eyes widening along with Bucky’s upon hearing his nickname leaving your lips. “What?” You look to Sam who tightens his jaw as he turns his back, reaching for some breakfast as a distraction. 

“Erm, yeah.” Bucky stutters, suddenly losing all sense of thought and how to act normally. “I just want a break, a time out,” He explains as he lifts his gaze up, meeting your soft eyes as they focus on him with everything. 

“You want something to kinda stop it, just for a few hours.” You mutter, talking from experience as Bucky nods. 

“Yeah,” He raises the corner of his lip. “exactly, doll.” The word rolls off of his tongue automatically, and the moment is short-lived as Sam drops his bowl to the ground, swearing to himself. 

“Oh Sam,” You laugh lightly as you move quickly to the ground, picking up pieces of the bowl. “you’re so clumsy sometimes I wonder how they let you wear the wings.” 

As you keep picking up pieces of the bowl, Sam looks to Bucky with cold eyes. “Yeah, be a shame if I were to have an accident.” He replies to you whilst keeping his focus on Bucky. “You still on for coffee later?” Sam turns around, smiling to you as you stand upright, blowing your hair out of your face in an adorable manner that makes Bucky’s heart swell. 

“Of course, I wouldn’t miss coffee and seeing ol’ Phil.” You nudge Sam before placing the broken bowl in the bin and swiftly walk over and pick your coffee up. “Bye boys.” You sing to them as you leave the room with a small smile on your face, one Bucky cannot shake from his mind. 

“Look dude,” Sam’s voice becomes cold, harsh as he stands in front of Bucky. “I’m only going to say this once, but you’ve gotta back off.” Holding his hand up in front of Bucky, he merely raises an eyebrow at the action. 

“You want me to, back off?” Bucky scoffs to himself and turns around, only to be spun in his chair as Sam holds his shirt in his fist. Looking down, Bucky raises his hands. “No need for violence, Sammy.” 

“There will be if you don’t leave her alone, Buck.” He states bluntly before releasing Bucky’s shirt from his grip. “She’s still healing and I don’t want you messing her around like that.” He sighs heavily. “I feel like I’m just getting my best friend back so don’t ruin it.” 

Sam walks out of the room before Bucky has the chance to ask what he means, but is left with that lingering thought. You were only just back to being yourself, but how? 

*

Rolling over, Bucky wanted to scream as he saw the time. 

A combination of frustration and exhaustion was a cocktail he drank daily, and the need refused to stop. He contemplated staying in bed, staring at his ceiling until the images would fade and he could get some sleep. But opted to wander around the compound in the dead of night. 

It was somewhat of a routine Bucky had gotten used to. He’d head to the gym, do some loose form of a work out before heading to the kitchen. His top would cling to his chest as sweat lined it, but no one was around to notice or complain. Bucky would sit and eat something, preferably a sweet snack and read one of the books you always left out.

This was a routine he adapted to and sometimes found quite pleasant as he always noticed little notes you wrote in the book or pages where you spilt your drink. He could picture you curled up on the sofa, a blanket draped over you when some of them were on a mission. You would wear the glasses that you hated wearing, but Bucky thought they made you look cute. He could think about you for hours, but he knew he shouldn’t, not after his third warning from Sam in the space of a month. 

Bucky sat down on the sofa, slowly allowing himself to relax into the seat as he picks up the book, returning to the page he finished last night as his eyes slowly began to close. He focused on every word, re-reading sentences as he faintly heard the light sound of footsteps behind him. 

Within seconds, Bucky was on his feet, holding a cushion up as a weapon until he heard your laugh. 

“Wow, what’re you going to do with that, then?” You laugh quietly as you clutch your stomach, wishing you could’ve gotten a photo of the sight.

Bucky throws the cushion back onto the sofa as your eyes fall to the book in his hand. You step forward, willingly moving closer as he remains frozen on the spot. 

Reaching down you look at him, checking if it’s okay. “So you’re the book thief, huh?” You ask as you flip through the pages as embarrassment crosses Bucky’s cheeks, but you smile to him. “I don’t mind, glad someones getting use of them.” You place your hand on his shoulder, the one joined to metal. 

He is certain you can feel the botched joining HYDRA did, the rough skin as it is seared to metal. But if you can, you’re showing no sign of it, no sense of disgust, only kindness. 

“I like reading when I can’t sleep,” Bucky mumbles as he notices your hand still on his shoulder. 

You clear your throat and move to retract your hand quickly, hiding it behind your back as you lower your head. A wave of awkwardness crosses your mind, what were you thinking? You’re crossing boundaries, don’t give false senses of security. 

“Sorry,” You mumble as you turn around, muttering comments under your breath about your own stupidity whilst Bucky watches you disappear without saying another word to him. 

*

Sitting in another meeting Bucky noticed you were absent, something you never were, especially when it came to Fury’s meetings. 

He looks over to the spot beside Sam, but he only shrugs his shoulders in response. Concern grows and branches out in Bucky’s thoughts, wondering where you could be if not here? 

As soon as the meeting is over, Bucky is the first to his feet and heading out of the door. An arm stops him and as he turns, Sam is staring him down. “She’ll be fine, Bucky.” He tells the soldier who pulls his arm from Sam’s grip, unphased by the action. 

“Why don't you just tell me why I can’t be around her?” Bucky asks having grown tired of the mind games, the constant wondering as you slowly retract yourself from him, from small moments you both share. 

Sighing, Sam motions for Bucky to follow him as they both stand in the lift. Sam reaches over, pushing the button to take them to the roof, a spot Bucky often visited when he needed a temporary escape.

“There’s something about Y/n I haven’t told you,” Sam clears his throat as they reach the roof and step outside. “I had to bring you here so I know no one is listening in.” 

Bucky nods as he wraps his arms around himself, the breeze picking up as his hair flows behind him. “What is it, Sam?” Bucky asks as Sam paces around. 

“Y/n’s ex,” He starts, unsure where to really begin. Bucky nods, waiting for Sam to continue. “he lied about who he was and, and only dated her to get closer to his mission.” 

All of the blood in Bucky’s body ran cold. Every time he saw you two together, how happy you were with him, it was all a lie to him, a mission, an obstacle. He clenches his fists, wanting to find that son of a bitch and punish him. “I’m going to kill him.” Bucky mutters, and Sam nods.

“Join the club.” He states. “But he didn’t just lie about his identity, Bucky. He lied about everything. Y/n was dating a complete stranger when the truth came out and it broke her heart.” 

Bucky’s mind wanders back to last Autumn, he barely saw you around the compound. You never left your room and if you did, it was in the dead of night. On missions you were deadly, not stopping until you completed your role. 

“Who was he?” Bucky thinks aloud and focuses on Sam who lowers his head. “Who was he, Sam?” Bucky asks more sternly, and Sam releases a heavy sigh, feeling the pressure lifting from his shoulders. 

“He was a HYDRA agent, looking for you.” 

*

His mind refused to sleep as he pictured the guy who held you close, who you were convinced actually loved you. He had it all planned out, that piece of shit who used you to get to Bucky. Whatever happened, it failed, clearly. But that didn’t mean you weren’t hurt in the process, that was inevitable. 

Rising from his bed, Bucky heads straight to the open space in the compound, knowing your book is still on the sofa, waiting to be finished. 

He slips his shirt on as he walks into the open space, hearing the light sound of sniffing from the sofa. A soft whimper follows and Bucky softens, his heartbeat picking up as he slowly steps forward. “Doll?” He calls out, and you turn your head in the dark, a small lamp by your side illuminating the heartache in your face. 

“Oh, hey Bucky.” You mutter as you wipe your face, turning around as Bucky walks closer, sitting down by your side. “Sorry if I woke you up, I hope no one else heard me.” You uneasily joke as you sniff, but Bucky shakes his head.

“I was already up, kept thinking about things.” He states softly to you and you shuffle until you’re facing him, realising you’re closer than you had anticipated. 

All you had to do was scan his eyes, and you knew. “Sam told you, didn’t he?” You ask, but you already know the answer. “I’m sorry, Bucky.” You whisper as you bury your face in your hands. 

Bucky remains quiet, unable to comprehend why you’re apologising. “Doll, you have no reason to be sorry,” Slowly he lifts his hand up, unsure if the action is too much as he lowers it to rest on your upper back. 

He can feel you tensing under his touch, but you ease into it, greeting the comfort. 

“But it’s all my fault, Bucky. If, if I didn’t bring him here maybe it could’ve been different,” You try to convince yourself, wishing it could’ve been different. That you could’ve left the relationship without the scars that line your heart and mind. 

“Hey,” Bucky mutters and you focus on his deep blue eyes. “none of it was your fault, don’t ever think that.” He tells you, solely you as his eyes shift from yours to your lips. “None of it was your fault, please, don’t think like that.” His hand moves to your hair and you reach out to his cheek, resting your hand there. 

“Will, will you stay with me?” You ask quietly as you lie back, tugging at the blanket on the floor.

Bucky looks at you for any sign of uncertainty, but you smile softly. “Of course, doll.” He whispers as he takes the blanket from you, covering you both as you slowly lean against him, both of you unsure of your boundaries. 

“Is this okay?” You ask as his arms rest around you, and he nods, allowing you to relax into his embrace. “Thank you, Bucky.” You mutter as you close your eyes as Bucky turns the light off, both of you finally able to get a peaceful nights sleep. 

[imaginethatimaginethis]

A Psychopath?

a/n: This is something I dreamed of this night which was super weird. I woke up sweating. I had to write it down and turned it into a little story. This is part one since the story was way too long. I will be posting part two if you guys want to know more. I changed some bits bc it was a really weird.. I hope you like it :)

Pairing: Taehyung x Reader + Mona (your friend)

Genre: well is this a very very angsty story so if you can’t handle reading yourself, your friend or taetae getting hurt please don’t read it..unless you’re here for drama then let’s get it!

i don’t own the gif

Part I

Kneeling on the ground you couldn’t control your heavy breathing as you heard peoples panicked screaming. You didn’t know what just happened. You couldn’t process what just happened. You let out a loud sob the knot in your throat getting bigger and bigger. How could this happen? Why did this happen?

Taehyung was your best friend. Almost your best friend for life. So was Mona. You’ve been best friends since kindergarten and living next to each other helped you grow a lot into your friendship. You could tell them everything and they could relay on you as well. Time spend with your friends was the most funniest and precious time. You wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Mona was the quite one. She always cared about others opinions. She didn’t want to stand out so people could talk about her. But as soon as you get to know her she’d be the most out going person you’ve ever met. You were the same, just a little more open and not too quite. Saying what you think and doing exactly what you want to do. Taehyung was the lover boy. Everyone loved him. He was the it boy in school making every girl turn her heads to him. He was handsome to say the least. His hair and face was something to just fall in love with. He was the cool guy always talking to everyone and making plans and going to parties but always still having time for both you girls. His personality is something different. Taehyung can be from time to time a little awkward. Well defining awkward, he’s got a personality to get used to. He’s very direct. He tells you what he thinks instantly. Sometimes you wonder what’s going on in his head. He can be very dramatic. Sometimes too dramatic. One time you overheard a group of girls talking about him. One of the girls being his ex girlfriend. She wasn’t really a nice girl and the things she said about him weren’t either. She referred to him as being a psychopath and always wanting to control her in every way possible. She was definitely overreacting the situation since he broke up with her and her being a mad mess. you never told him nor Mona about what you heard and it wasn’t the first time you heard that. He has always the imagine between some people of him being a little gaga and being honest you’re sometimes scared to pick up a fight with him about something just because he can get a little bit intimidating as well as overreacting but he’s your best friend and he would never hurt you, of course.

But Tae has a heart of gold. He’s always polite always nice and always caring. That’s why you love him. Even sometimes a little too much.

“We’re going there right?” Tae said sliding a yellow paper across the table to you and Mona He took a sip from his coffee leaning back on his chair. “I don’t know.. I don’t really like parties” Mona said looking up from the paper. “Mona, this is THE party. Everyone’s going. And everyone means us three too” you looked up into Taehyungs face mustering you both. “Well we could try for once, right?” You said looking over to Mona as she shrugged still unsure. “Fine” Taehyung clapped his hands once and winking at both at you. “Perfect. I gotta go now since I will be taking a girl with us. I hope that’s okay. I gotta meet her now” you looked over to Monas face which you noticed sank and turning her lips into a pouty face. She always does that when something happened she doesn’t like or when she’s disappointed. “Sure have fun” she said and with that Taehyung got up smiled down at you and left the library. You looked over to Mona who was playing with the paper. “Mona do you like him that much?” Her glaze shot up to your face in disbelieve making her laugh. “Well he’s my friend of course I like him” “you know what I mean Mona” “no I don’t please excuse me I have to go to class. See you later” she lifted up her bag, gave you a quick kiss on your cheek and left, leaving you behind.

You know that Mona has a crush on Taehyung. The way she sometimes acts around him, the way she smiles at him, the way she just looks at him. You couldn’t blame her. The bad thing is that you actually have a very light crush on him too but you know that will never happen between you two. You know that it wouldn’t even happen between Mona and him. And you don’t even want it to happen. You’re scared that the beautiful friendship you guys have would break just because one cannot control their feelings. That’s really selfish of course but you couldn’t help it.

Finding out from Taehyung a week before THE party that he’s going there with the most popular girl in Uni doesn’t surprise you a bit. She’s just not nice and that’s what’s been bothering you. “I just want to get laid and she’s perfect for that” “wow what a gentleman you are” you grabbed the chips from his hands stuffing some in your mouth. “I don’t like her” you said with your mouth full watching Tae play his game. He looked at you and stared at your lips for a while as he said “so what? I don’t care about that. I’ll take her to the party” Taehyung said, pissed at your comments about his date. You stepped back a few imaginary steps and tried to calm him down by laughing. “I’m just joking do what you want Tae” “you better”. You turned around to Mona who was sitting on your bed lifting your eyebrows up. She looked at you and mouthed a ‘stop it’ to you finishing the discussion.

“To prepared for THE party next Friday I want to go out drinking with you girls today” Taehyung said while roaming your room. You cleaned around your room for a bit and packing the last things into your bag. “Tae I can’t today I’m going back home for today I’ll be back tomorrow” he mustered you for a while making you a little uncomfortable and smiled then. “I forgot I’m sorry. Mona you’re coming with me right?” Mona kept staring at her hands. “It will be fun. I think it’ll be just you and me then.” Her face grew hot as she nodded and gave him a “Okay it’ll be fun”. Deep down you felt a little jealous of her for spending a night out with him. You were just hoping that nothing will happen between them. Of course nothing will happen. It’s not the first time they were doing stuff together.

Sunday came and you still didn’t receive a message from either Tae nor Mona. You told them to text you about the night but you didn’t get anything. You were driving back to your Campus. It was snowing last night making the streets a little slippery. You were hoping to get back to your room safe since you’re really bad at driving after it snowed. Arriving after 30 minutes of driving you closed your car door and walked to the building. Trying not to slip while walking you finally managed to get to the front door. You walked straight to your room opened it and placed the keys on the table as well as your bag. Monas room was next door so you decided to go to hers. You have the spare keys of each of your best friends so walking over to her room you opened the door. You thought that she’s maybe still sleeping or doing some studying but what you saw was the last thing you expected.

“Tae?” His head turned to your direction placing Monas hand back down on the bed. “Oh hey I didn’t expect you so early” “what��s wrong with Mona” you walked up to the bed and looked down to a sleeping mona” “um well she drank too much and she’s not getting up since last night” “you gotta be kidding me. why didn’t you take her to a doctor?” You said panicking, placing your head on her forehead. She was cold. “Tae she’s cold. Let’s get her to the doctor.” “I think that’s not necessary she will wake up sooner or later” you couldn’t believe what he was saying. You were starting to panic more and being terrified of the thought of her being dead. You placed the side of your finger under her nose to check her breathing. Thank god she was still breathing. “What did you give her?” “She was just drinking too much” “how much” “(Y/N) stop asking so many questions” you looked back to him sitting on the chair with his arms crossed. “Btw you look pretty when you’re mad” he grinned at you. “What the hell is wrong with you Tae? Our friend is laying here unconscious because of you” he got up from the chair he was sitting now standing right in front of you. “Calm down i didn’t kill her she’s just sleeping the alcohol off. now shut your mouth and go back to your room I’ll take care of her.” You pushed him back a little and walked towards your friend. “You don’t do shit. I’m calling an ambulance”. You grabbed your phone and started to dial in the numbers with shaky hands. Without looking Taehyung grabbed your phone out of your hands and threw it across the room against the wall. He grabbed both your wrists and held your hands against his chest. “do you feel my heart beating? It’s only for you (Y/N).”

Part 2

[ohnohetaliasues]

Stones to Abbigale {Ch. 3+4}

(Kat)

I’m doing chapter four also since chapter three is so short.

I hate this book thoroughly.

But here we go.

Briefly after I fell asleep that night I had a dream about Abbi,

Please don’t go the way I think this is going.

it was the first dream I had experienced in some time. I'm not normally the type of person to be deeply impacted by dreams as more often than not I can control them. I can recognize the fact that I'm in a dream and twist things around so that whatever is making me afraid becomes afraid of me. This tactic however could not possibly work in this soon-to-be nightmare, as there was no living monster waiting around the corner. There was no emotion in this machine that was about to reveal itself to me. I could only watch without a physical form. I was just a helpless spectator in my own mind.

Okay so that was actual word salad.

The dream began without any sound; only a deep hum accompanying what appeared to be Abbi laughing in a field of what looked like gray grass from a far. As my view of her revealed more detail I began to realize that what I thought was grass was actually long slender claws.

So this girl is just...

In a field of claws?

Experiencing a more alarmed spectrum of emotion, the audible hum cut out and was replaced by Abbi's screams. The sounds echoed bouncing off the walls of my mind splitting me in two and engulfing the core my being.

I’m so fucking confused.

She was not forming any words in her screams and I began to understand why the more I analyzed every detail. I shifted my perspective to a new angle. I was now above her looking down and could see the claws were pulling her into the ground. She showed no resistance to being dragged into the ground, she didn't even cry for help, she would only scream in pain as she slowly sank beneath the surface. I began to distinctly hear blades and gears violently turning just beneath her.

I cannot fucking picture this happening for the life of me.

It's difficult to explain, but in her eyes I could see she didn't want to be saved as she genuinely felt she had earned the suffering she was enduring.

Edgy as fuck, okay.

She believed she deserved to be ground up until there was nothing left. Once she was pulled completely under I was finally given a physical form in the dream. Dropping from above I landed on the soil she disappeared in. I immediately dropped to my knees and began digging with my bare hands to get to Abbi. I was only inches deep before the ground ripped open forcing me to jump back.

Okay uh.

I have no valid words that could express how I feel right now.

A deep canyon began to form central to where I had begun digging. The splitting and groaning quickly gained momentum. Ripping and screeching sounds erupted all around me as the earth divided before me at a now crippling rate. A hellish sight consumed my eyes as I looked down on the collapsing landmass below. Powerful machines wielding massive blades swung violently scraping dirt and rock with a sound so tremendous I could only faintly hear the screams of countless desperate humans below.

This is just.

Not okay.

I quickly realized the terrified voices beyond the ripping blades were no illusion.

But this is a dream.

Which means it’s an illusion.

Thousands of lives were being devoured in piles, no person among them begging for life rather, like Abbi, they screamed only from pain delivered not just by the roaring blades and gears, but their very existence itself. Suffering & consciousness had become one in the same.

You are not poetic.

Shut the literal fuck up.

I then woke up to my room filled with sunlight, but it could not change the darkness my dream left me with. I felt something inside me change, almost as if I had seen something I was never meant to and now had to find a way to lose the thick cloud freshly looming over my head.

I hate you.

It is as I said briefly before, I feel like a visitor here, like I'm in this world but not a part of it like everyone else.

Shut up, you pretentious asshole.

I study people and situations to find out how they work and sometimes my dreams fill in the emotions and thoughts I missed while I was awake.

Yes, so you’ve said, in a very creepy non-human way.

Not having to go to school that day due to my suspension I decided to write a letter to Abbi.

Cool. Awesome. This won’t be cringey at all.

It read:"When I look in your eyes... I at times feel a level of sadness I have never felt, as if we, despite barely knowing each other, have been apart for far too long.

Excuse me, that’s incredibly creepy.

When I talk to you it is like I am listening to a voice I've ached for yet haven't heard in a lifetime. Every other experience I have with you seems familiar but at the same time, it hurts, like you would feel if you begged for something and only received it when you had already given up hope.

More word salad.

These feelings are all so strange and evolving at a rate that scares me as they are for someone I am only just now truly getting to know.

Even with my brief presence in your life I've picked up on so much suffering and almost feel powerless to create any change.

This is so alarming and creepy and you need to stop.

There are so many wounds, so many scars, so much I only know enough about to fear. I'm trying to understand. Abbi, you have more pain in your life than I can imagine. I hear it in your voice, I see it in your eyes and in the way you move. I just want to see you smile without there being an ocean wall of tears behind your eyes. I want to hear everything you have to say. I want to find a way to heal the damage done until you can forget it ever existed.

THE ONLY FUCKING PROPER REACTION TO THIS LETTER IS TO MOVE TO ANOTHER CONTINENT.

I sent the letter to her email address, moments later the phone rang. Answering the phone I heard Abbi's voice on the other end.

"Hey, can you meet me at the Quick Shop?" she asked.

I responded, "Did you see my email?"

She replied "Nope, why didn't you just call?"

I said, "It would've been really hard to say over the phone, I had to find the words."

She replied, "Ok, I'll look and then I'll head over."

I then confirmed "Sure, see you there".

Yikes.

Shortly after, I got dressed and skated over to meet her. I arrived quickly, thanks to what seemed to be a record speed for me. However once I arrived I found myself waiting for someone who now had no intention of meeting me. I could only assume I had just made myself look like a huge jerk to her. I attempted to call her from the nearby payphone and she didn't answer.

What did you expect? That she wouldn’t find that fucking creepy?

As I skated home, in my mind, I went through the letter I wrote over and over. I began to blame myself, concluding based on her absence that I must have dug too deep too fast.

I scared her away because I reacted on the emotions I experienced in that dream before actually considering the human being on the other side of the letter.

Yeah, at least you’re fucking self aware for once.

I felt like I was just about finally connect with someone only to ruin everything at the last minute.

That’s your own fault. Don’t bitch about it.

Okay, chapter 4.

My suspension had been lifted and I had just arrived back at Lakewood High. Approaching my history class I could hear people snickering as they watched me walk by.

Someone screamed "Wuss! Learn how to fight!" behind me but I just kept walking.

I feel like I’ve read shit like this before.

Oh.

Yeah, it reads like any angsty Wattpad story ever.

As I sat down in class Mr. Hanson walked up to me, he placed his hand on my shoulder and spoke under his breath so others would not hear "Don't worry about the work you missed, ok James?"

It would be preferable that you didn’t use ‘ok’ instead of the word ‘okay.’

But this is terrible, so I don’t have high expectations. I don’t know what I expected.

I looked up at him and he gave me a slight smile. I suppose it's because he felt bad that I was beaten up shortly after trying to get Jason to leave the class alone. It was a lucky break too considering Mr. Hanson's class was one of the few I didn't stop by to see what work I would miss before beginning my suspension.

No. No. That isn’t this teacher’s job. He needs to grade something, and if James didn’t do the work, it would be immoral to put good grades in the grade book when this is the case.

I approached the art trailer feeling panicked over what to expect. I hated that I said anything to Abbi, that I overstepped my bounds and acted like I knew her when I was only going off my own dream-influenced emotional intuition.

Intuition my ass. That dream means nothing at all. Shut your pretentious mouth.

I felt a conflicted hatred towards myself for jeopardizing a relationship with someone that was so important to me.

MY FUCKING GOD YOU’VE HAD THREE CONVERSATIONS WITH HER.

If she did give up on me, I could only blame myself.

Yes. You can.

Opening the door I could see Abbi wasn't inside, instead there were just pieces of my bear sewn to pieces of her bear sitting on her desk. Maybe I was reading too far into what it meant, I could really only hope that there was something left to us that I could sew back together.

If I have to read another bullshit waxing poetic thing, I’m gonna scream. My eyes are already glazing over.

Walking closer I could see something sticking out just beneath the bear.

It was a note that read: "James, meet me behind the church when you get this."

Immediately, I thought of the church neighboring Lakewood High.

I find it bullshit that James was immediately able to figure out what church Abbi meant when she didn’t even specify which church she was talking about.

I stuffed my backpack inside the desk

Your backpack fits in a desk? Either the desk has a large compartment, your bag is nearly empty, or your bag is very small.

I’m going with the last option because it’s the funniest.

and quickly made my way off campus to meet Abbi.

You left your bag in class and just left?

What is wrong with you?

As I approached the church there was a strong forceful wind blowing behind me that made it feel as if I was being pushed to her by nature itself.

I really hate you pretending to be deep, Onion.

I felt like a fool for thinking that, I'm far too unimportant for any significant force to consciously influence my life. I walked around the church only to hear Abbi say loudly "James!" I turned to see her standing under an overhang that reached out from the church.

That is called an awning.

I walked over to her and began to apologize for the letter, but she cut me off saying "Why did you write that to me?"

A valid question.

I responded "I wanted to separate myself from everyone else in your eyes. I wanted you to know I was trying to understand you, all of..."

She interrupted "How messed up do you think I am James? How screwed do you think my life is exactly? Because if you had any social skills, you might know that saying to someone what you did, is... I'm not damaged goods... I'm not broken!"

Her voice was giving out as she began tearing up. "I'm sorry... I was..." I said, helplessly watching tears fall down her face.

This is a confusing and mechanical interaction.

"I was wrong... but I'm here, and I will be as long as you let me." I said.

She wiped her tears and struggled to speak. "The reason you saw what you did, in my eyes, my voice..." she continued to struggle as she cried "You saw the bruises from my ex, but you wanted to know everything."

You two have known each other for two fucking days. Like, you’ve only spoke four times now.

She paused to wipe her tears again. I listened carefully as she continued to speak "James... I haven't been beaten just one or two times..."

I would care more if there was any buildup to this moment or any character development that would make me like this girl.

But there isn’t.

So I feel nothing while reading this, and that is both incredibly boring and unfulfilling, as well as genuinely kind of creepy.

The fact that this does not evoke emotion in me when I should be feeling some form of empathy instead of the apathy I feel disturbs me.

Abbi said as she looked at me as if every word was agonizing for her to say.

I would like to know why she’s telling this to a guy she barely knows.

With tear soaked eyes she continued, "I've been violated beyond that James... by people who called me their friend, people I trusted took advantage of me and that killed so much of who I am... who I was."

I am so concerned that I don’t feel anything here. Are you guys feeling anything?

Her face was consumed with stress, her body shook but she managed to continue, "My mother abandoned me and left me with my father who doesn't even care if I live..." before she could finish I wrapped my arms around her.

She dug her fingers into my back as she pulled me closer and cried into my chest.

As we held each other I said, "You were never damaged, only changed. Any part of you that you think died is just hidden, waiting to come out when it's safe..."

I want to actually die.

Abbi squeezed me even tighter.

I continued, "Every time I see you, you become more beautiful to me than before."

She gripped me more tightly than anyone ever had. She was finally hearing everything she wanted someone to say to her and I was saying everything I wanted Abbi to hear, that is, most everything.

Okay, cool.

I just... This is such a gross fetishization of abuse? It makes my stomach twist. I also feel strange that I can’t feel any form of emotion for these characters beyond annoyance.

It actually bothers me deeply.

This is the opposite effect you want to have on your readers, Onion. you want your characters to be relatable and real so your readers can connect with them and feel something for them. Well written characters are ones you can get attached to.

These characters are poorly written, which is why I cannot relate to them or get attached to them. I’m not saying I’m any kind of master at writing characters, but Abbi has no personality of her own other than the fact that she’s an abuse victim, and the fact that that is all is concerning. I don’t even know what she looks like.

James is the most pretentious, condescending narrator in the world and it makes me physically recoil while I read from his point of view. He is nihilistic, bleak, creepy, and very flavorless. He’s boring as all hell, and again, I don’t even know what he looks like.

Does Onion just forget to describe his characters? It makes it very hard to visualize anything with them.

Okay. I’ll see you guys in chapter five.

This book is actually repulsive.

~Kat