#how about no promises right now?? I am online when able on hiatus and will just post replies-

[miutonium]

I wanted to come back and explain my hiatus over the past few months but I will post that note after I post this one because it's really important for me to type this out.

As everyone here knows, I am dealing with an online stalker for 2 years now. I'm giving everyone a recap in case people aren't aware of it. This will be a long post so please, skip if you dont want to read. I promise I will come back and make funny post or something idk, but this aint it.

Basically it all started with me not responding to their dms on instagram (and the reason I didn't respond is because the first text sounded like they're asserting their dominance over prof and it came off as passive aggresive) so I did not reply because of that. Then they continue to reply to my stories (the replies are harmless) but I continue to ignore because again, the first text already gave me a bad vibe so I rather not reply. But as time goes the replies seems to try to entice me to respond back and I do not like it when people forced me to reply, it's rude so I continue to ignore. The last reply from my story was a "Hello?" from them in my dms. Since then, they followed me, unfollowed me, blocked me, unblocked me and repeat the cycle. At first, I didn't notice it but then it became frequent and I keep seeing this same user doing it over and over again as if to grab my attention. It took me a while to block this user because whenever this happens, I was asleep (I'm in a different time zone) so by the time I wanted to click on the notification, the account is gone. I started being paranoid of interacting with people online at that time, I limited my story replies, messages and eventually my inbox. I was so unhappy with instagram because I really want to share my art without feeling anxious but this user made my experience so unpleasant. Eventually, my negative experience from others (unrelated to this user) and this user on instagram made me privated my art acc. I finally able to block this user because right after I privated my account, they send me a follow request. Not too long after that, I noticed they followed my twitter account too and I'm lucky I'm able to catch that because my notification used to be flooded and it's just luck I was able to see that name and block them. I have privated my twitter and currently on hiatus from twitter and I don't think I will be returning due to the recent block policy change. I don't like the idea of people I've blocked for my safety and comfort be seeing my post.

I have a public pinterest account that I made many months ago to post my Utonium art because I noticed my art got reposted there so might as well just start posting there so I posted just a few of my solo Utonium art there and then I forget about this account. Yesterday, I went on pinterest (under a private acc) and decided to search for prof and see that one of my post apparently gained traction and I remembered about that account. I decided to check my page and noticed I gained new followers. Imagine how upset and frustrated I am that one of the follower was this user that has stalked me.

At this point, I am so so frustrated and fed up. I have done everything to keep this person away from me. I stopped using instagram because of this user. I privated my twitter because of this user and I very much contemplated on privating this sideblog too because I could not stand that someone is actively tracking me down online, because I didn't response to their dms 2 years ago. Im just so frustrated because this experience really made me so so anxious and fearful and wary of interacting with people online. I want to keep sharing my art, I want to meet other people online that's into the things I like, but this experience really left me so anxious of talking to new people and has affected me mentally. I cannot say that this experience alone is the main factor of my mental health going to shit ever since I'm done with art school and I spend most of my days in my room just crying but I can say this is one of the reason why I have trust issues with trusting people because I don't know if any of you might end up doing this to me again, I really can't take that. I feel so alone because I don't have many friends irl and this situation really makes me think twice of making new friends.

I'm so tired of having to run away and hide from people , of not being able to enjoy my time online and im so done with this feeling of anxiety and fear over making my own space because of this situation. Enough is enough. I finally have the courage to message this person on pinterest today.

I won't post the screenshot (although I will show it to my friends here privately if they want to as confirmation that I am not making shit up and be the judge) but to summarize it (i format it like this so its easier to read):

- I send a lengthy message telling them exactly why I have blocked them everywhere and how their action has left me with severe anxiety and affects the way I interact with people online. I explained how me blocking them is a sign that I definitely DO NOT want to interact with them and them constantly tracking me down is considered to be stalking. I tell them to leave me alone.

- They replied immediately saying that I blocked them because I was jealous of other people having a crush with prof and said this is an issue of jealousy. They said they did that because they liked my art and THOUGHT (they wrote the thought in caps) they could be my friend. They mentioned that I didn't even give them a chance to know them and i dont even know them.

- I clarified that jealousy is absolutely NOT AN ISSUE and I always open to sharing. I have stated countless times that I am always open with sharing and openly supports anyone and draw people who ships with prof before. I have clarified that the reason i blocked them is because the first text they send me sounds like they're asserting their dominance of their ship to me is rude and of course I blocked them because they give me the wrong vibe and I dont even know them so of course I blocked them. I also said that them consistently following, unfollowing, blocking, unblocking and repeat cycle makes me think theyre forcing me to reply to them and it makes me very anxious. I stated that what they did was not normal behaviour and if I actively avoid them, that means I do not want to interact with them.

- They said I got their intention wrong. They admitted that they fangirled a bit too much because they have ocd and it came off to be rude (for the first text part). They said the reason they did the follow unfollow thing is because they got paranoid (huh?) And think I didnt want to talk to them because of the first text. They said they weren't in the good place in mind. They said they didn't mean to cause me any harm. They said they apologize for the rude first text. They asked we could start over again to know them but they understand if I dont want to do that and apologize for the first interaction.

- I replied that I am sorry that to hear this was all from misunderstanding their intention and their condition. I said that despite that, I could not brush over the fact that their actions has caused me severe anxiety with the way I interact with people online and I have to stress out that their action have cause me fear and anxiety being online. I stated that I am very grateful that them and other people liked my art but they cannot pressure me to talk and what they did with the following spam and tracking all of my socials online makes me think that they dont respect me and gave me the idea that they want to cause harm on me.

- They said they understand and sorry for causing me so much stress for pressuring me to talk to them. They said they admired my art style. They say the respect me and what they did gave me a wrong impression.

- I said that it's unfortunate that it became this way and knowing their intention now, I wished we have started with a good foot but I could not gloss over the severe stress and anxiety they caused me over 2 years and I dont think we can start over again.

- They said they're sorry that I feel that way even though I don't know them and NOW (that was wrote in caps) I know their intention wasn't malicious. They said they've been trying to reach out to me and say how much they loved my art and that's the reason why they did what they did which is to grab my attention. They wished we could've been friends but since I wouldn't give then that chance, it's okay (umm no?). They said if I have known their intention and give them the chance to that back then, it would saved us a lot of this.

- I said I appreciate the clarification and I am sorry that this is how it ended. I said that I need to prioritize my mental health so I dont think there will be any communication moving forward and I need to set boundaries.

- Their last reply is K, nice knowing me and good luck in life.

They then blocked me and I blocked them before I deactivate my pinterest account. In all honesty, I don't really feel there's a closure because there was no assurance that this will not happen again and I really feel that I was gaslighted into thinking this was a misunderstanding when in fact that they breached my privacy by tracking down my socials despite me having blocked them in my socials. The original text sounds more like blaming me that I got them wrong. I don't feel that they understand that their 'good intention' is deemed to be malicious to me due to the fact that 1) their insistence on finding me when I have made effort to avoid them and 2) We do not know each other at all and what they did is borderline Parasocial to me. I am also disappointed that they do not seem to understand how severe their actions has caused me towards my anxiety. Despite that, I am glad to know the reason with the 2 year of constant stalking and I do not wish (hopefully) to talk to this person again.

For now, that is the end of it (I hope). The reason I typed all of this is for people to understand why have I been so... distant from everyone. I am not as cheerful, sociable and vocal about anything these days is due to my social anxiety about interacting with people and this experience really exacerbates my anxiety to an all time high. I want to be okay and make new friends, it used to be so easy for me to do so but now I have to do second guess on everything like if this person is good or bad and if this person is going to get obsessive over me. It really sucks because I have been avoiding people for months due to this (and other stuff that I have mentioned in my previous post) and feeling so lonely because of that. But now, I really want to heal and be me again. I want to draw things that I liked and actually continue my overly delayed commission. I dont want anxiety to get the best of me.

I hope everyone understands me and be patient with me. I really appreciate people's kindness and I think I need to accept that I do in fact deserve that after terrorizing myself for months.

- Asuka

[acacia-may]

Some Blog Updates, My Apologies, and Words of Explanation of What Has Been Going On Around Here Lately...

I really am sorry for the sporadic way that things are having to be run around here. For everyone who has pending asks and requests from months ago, I am so sorry I can't fulfill them for you right now. I have not forgotten about you and still plan to respond to all the asks as soon as I am feeling better. In an ideal world, I would respond to all asks in the order they were received and wouldn't have so many promises still pending out there, but unfortunately, that isn't something I can do right now due to serious chronic health issues.

I have still been writing a few self-indulgent pieces as a form of escapism & coping when I can, if only to try to keep my spirits up during what has been an extremely difficult time for my health, and I hope you all understand that this isn't me ignoring you in favor of working on personal projects rather than on fulfilling my obligations. I do genuinely feel very guilty for leaving you & your asks/requests hanging, but honestly writing "self-indulgence" is generally all I even barely have the energy for at the moment when it comes to fic writing since it takes the pressure off of making something "perfect" for the one who requested it and I find a little extra energy in my own passion and self-indulgence for the topic.

That said, I started that new ask game with the song + heacanon because it was easy for me (and didn't require a lot of effort or writing on my part) so I thought it was something I could actually fulfill for you as a thank you for being patient while you all wait for the bigger, more time-consuming asks.

I really am sorry for not explaining this better before, and if anyone has been confused or hurt by this, I am very, very sorry. That was never my intention. I have included more details below the cut in case anyone wants a more detailed explanation. These are not excuses, just my attempts to explain where things are and what's going on since I understand how it may look out of context and I didn't want there to be confusion or hurt feelings.

Thank you all for being so kind and so patient and for sticking around through all of this chaos! Cheers & much love to you all, friends! Please take care of yourselves. 🥰

As I'm sure some of you know from previous posts, I have been on and off hiatus due to severe chronic health issues for the past several months. The flare of my illness plus accompanying debilitating fatigue has unfortunately forced me to give up most things in my life (both online & in the real world) while I go for treatment & try to recover. Please know that it has never been by choice that I haven’t been around.

All of that said, writing fanfiction has always been a sort of an escape for me and a way for me to cope when I’m dealing with these kinds of serious health problems, so I have still been writing a little bit whenever I am able as a sort of outlet & escapism, but it’s mostly only the most self-indulgent pieces--trying to keep up spirits during what has been a very difficult time. To be perfectly honest with you, I feel the writing I have been doing recently has not been my best work, and I know there have been lots of problems with it (i.e. continuity errors with the canon, dumb spelling mistakes, and grammatical errors ect.) which have been kindly and constructively pointed out by others or mortifyingly noticed by me then fixed--and I do feel a little insecure about the roughness of my recent work to tell you the absolutely truth. 😅 That said, since it is mostly all self-indulgent, I tell myself that it's okay that it’s not perfect because it’s just for me.

Which leads me to the matter of my inbox and all the pending asks. I am so sincerely sorry for all the delays, and I have felt so guilty for having to leave everyone hanging. However, as you have probably guessed from my bleeding heart for fictional overachieving perfectionists, I myself am an overachieving perfectionist, and I know I would feel much guiltier trying to fulfill my requests knowing that whatever I could come up wouldn’t be my best work (since I am unfortunately lacking the health and energy to do that at the moment). I always want to give my best work to everyone who writes into this blog, but this is especially true when you have already had to wait such a very long time for something I have promised. I spend a lot of time on all of my headcanon and fic requests and answers to asks because I really just want it to be perfect and good enough for the person who asked for it. Since I feel like I can’t do that right now, I have decided to put the majority of my asks on hold rather than trying to fulfill asks with what I know will be my roughest work. I promise if you do have an ask in my inbox right now, I see you and I love you. I have not been ignoring you or forgotten you. I just want to give you my best work, and I can't do that right now so I've been holding on to your ask until I feel that I can.

All of that said, I have felt so bad and so guilty for leaving you all hanging (especially while I've been working on personal projects) so I thought of that new game I made because it was something I felt I could actually fulfill and complete, since it didn't require as much effort or writing on my part. It mostly consisted of songs that I pulled from fandom, character, and ship playlists I had already made, and the headcanon tends to go with the song in such basic terms it almost writes itself: i.e. the song mentions going to the beach, so the headcanon is this character’s favorite beach activity is building sandcastles (or something like that). It’s honestly just kind of silly but I felt I owed everyone something I thought I could do (if that makes sense?). The writers ask game I reblogged is just personal questions about my writing process—easy, short answers and low pressure, so that’s kind of in the same “I can do this category.” I plan to wrap up the asks for both of these games, and I don't know what will happen after that. Maybe we'll have to keep playing easier games like that for a little while or (hopefully) I'll be feeling well enough to circle back to more serious, time-consuming asks. I honestly can't say.

In the meantime, I wanted to reiterate how sorry I am for all the delays and also if there has been any distress, disappointment, miscommunication, or hurt feelings for how things have been having to be run around here. I'm sorry this blog has not been run in the way I had hoped or planned, but please know I am still trying my best to make wholesome content for you all to enjoy.

Thank you so much to everyone who has stuck around during this chaotic and difficult time and for your continued support! Cheers & Much Love!! 💕

[snstone-archive]

surprise!

Not really. This is just a hiatus notice to show that I haven't abandoned this account; fyi I will NEVER just leave without notice. Anyway, this summer has been brutal. I'm fine but it's like being constantly being pulled under the ocean current and dkshsoshd :'} But yeah. Any replies from here on out will be highly selective bc of what I owe. But if I follow you still, I still wanna write with you at some point in the future!!

[mxdarling]

[A Darling that likes to stay in NRC]

•❅───✧❅✦❅✧───❅• •❅───✧❅✦❅✧───❅•

ೃ⁀➷: summary: Yan. neige's darling that goes and likes to stay in NRC.

ೃ⁀➷: Word count: 525

ೃ⁀➷: Reference/Inspiration: N/A

[note:] If there is anything else triggering here that I didn’t list in the warnings section, please tell me. I don’t condone this type of behavior, this is merely just for entertaining purposes and some sort of coping mechanism for me. If you continue to read beyond this point, ignoring my warnings, I am not responsible for your actions from here on out.

[Warnings:] guilt-tripping, mentions of victim blaming, yandere behavior, neige using his online influence against you, forcing to make certain decisions, clingy behavior.

[GN reader]

♡˗ˏ✎*ೃ˚ :Neige LeBlanche;

➮ NEIGE LEBLANCHE is.. confused.. To say the least. The Night Raven College has quite it's reputation for being Royal Sword Academy's rival school. Further more it's school has some... rowdy students there.. He doesn't really understand the school's appeals and charms.. that makes you want to stay there. He understands to an extent that your closest friends are there but you can just visit them after school can't you? Doesn't the headmaster make you do his bidding for him? You must be so mentally tired from dealing with all of their problems but if you transfer to RSA, he promise you'll be treated so much better than NRC...

➮ While he tries to respect your decisions to stay in NRC, he just cannot seem to understand your reasons to stay there. Sure it may be your first shelter since you came into this world, surely you can give RSA a try? I mean there must be something you like about RSA too right? I mean it's so fancy, clean, the students are well-behaved you won't have to worry about starting fights with them, the teachers are all nice and caring you won't be stress over homework, the staff are ready to help and aid you in case of emergency. You also get a nicer place to stay in for the time being. So just give it one chance, will you?

➮ At this point, whether or not you want to refused to or agree to stay in RSA just to give it a chance, Neige is getting desperate. While he doesn't show it often, it's clear to others he's restless. Depending on how you respond to staying in RSA, temporarily... at least. If you refused to try and stay in RSA, telling him that you are fine in NRC and that there is no need for you to check out RSA is when Neige gets harsh and aggressive with you... Remember how I mentioned he would maybe used his followers and online influence in my last Neige's post against you? Yea he'll do that but it gets worse the more you resist him. He might as well start victim blaming you while he's at it.

➮ If you agree to give RSA just one chance by staying there, he'll be over-joyed!! Sure, you only agreed to stay in for a short period of time, but he's sure by the time your stay in RSA is finished you'll finally realized you want to stay here permanently! Oh how he's face will be filled with delight after so long of convincing you to transfer to his school. He can finally be able to spend time with you without any limit! He can now follow you around the school without anything stopping him to do so, not your friends, classmates, family, he can just follow you everywhere. Even after school. His photo albums keep running out of space, he really needs to buy a bigger one that holds a lot more photos because he just can't keep buying photo albums all the time and he can't get rid of any of the photos of you. You're just too precious to him...

•❅───✧❅✦❅✧───❅• •❅───✧❅✦❅✧───❅•

[a/n; Sorry if it's a little short? It's also the start of school for me so I may not be able to write as often as before but I'll try to handle school and my blog but no guarantee I won't go on a hiatus.]

[blindrapture]

(”A Decade,” a post for the blog What is the Fear Mythos?)

Today is February 14th, 2021. Today is the birthday of our mythos's primary founder, CuteWithoutThe. On Cute's sixteenth birthday, they began organizing the Fear Mythos, getting into contact with the other two founders, alliterator and LizardBite, and planning some of the first stories. Because of this, it is tradition to consider the anniversary of the Fear Mythos to "begin" on February 14th.

Two weeks later, on the last day of the month, Cute posted a thread on TVTropes officially laying out the plans and inviting participation. While by this point we still were not even called "the Fear Mythos," it is tradition to consider the anniversary of our mythos to "end" on February 28th.

Again, today is February 14th, 2021. Cute's sixteenth birthday was ten years ago.

The Fear Mythos is turning ten years old.

Now, in practice, this might not mean much out of the ordinary. Members of the community generally collaborate for the "Fearniversary" in writing an anniversary tournament blog, and this year that is definitely a thing, this is a nice celebration. Getting to an anniversary at all is a cause worth celebrating.

But ten years, wow. There probably is a lot that can be said, in a sentimental sense. Our mythos has seen a lot of blogs over these ten years. We've seen some vlogs too. And we've even seen some games and musical outputs. There have been physical books, podcasts, communities on various websites; there have been busy years, quiet years, and years in between. People have come and gone, the popular monsters to be used in our stories have changed back and forth, and.. well, ten years have passed and yet this mythos does not die.

I have to acknowledge that not one of our three founders has been active in the mythos for some time. I, DJay, am the "oldest" member still sticking around, and even then I'm not that active, not even in my own stories. For some, this is an appeal of our community: It's quiet, a place to read stories and throw ideas around. I did oversee an overhaul several years ago with the express purpose of "futureproofing" our central concepts, the hope being that, no matter how quiet our community became, the ideas would stick around. For better or for worse, the quiet is something for which we were prepared.

I bring this up because something about a "tenth anniversary" feels like the sort of Big Deal that may bring about a change in activity. It's probably the significance inherent in a double-digit number. That's a very human thing. (Like, seriously, very human. The number 10 is only significant to us because we operate under base-10 assumptions, and those are predicated on the number of fingers we have. But I don't need to tell you any of this, not on the surface of what this post is about.) A group that has persisted for a decade has relative age, and age is associated with experience, experience with knowledge, knowledge with a social fertility that "could go Big with just the right input." All of which is to say: Ten is a very different age for a single human than it is for a group of fiction writers.

We have been quiet. Next, we might try something else. That's a scary idea in and of itself, isn't it? A good creepy story: The Day The Mythos Went Big.

I'm playing around, here. The Fearniversary is a communal event, like a damn two-week festival; this is the most appropriate time to dress ourselves up in masks and pretend to be what we haven't yet been, to turn our thoughts to the stars and dream big, to hit upon emotional changes which take us resolutely into the new year renewed and ready for what it may bring.

The Fear Mythos, you see, is yours. Our monsters, the Fears, are legally considered "Creative Commons Attribution," meaning you can do whatever you want with them so long as there's even an implicit acknowledgement of the greater mythos's existence. This is worth spelling out, even to veterans, because it's a strength that's easy to overlook. We can't always guarantee you an immediate active audience, but we can promise you this: Place. You and your creations have a place here, here where not even a decade has erased us, here where the future can still grow, here at the online intersection between fiction and reality. You are free to take our creations as a model to build your world, experiment, see what becomes.

I know. I'm wordy, and if I have any points I'm trying to make they don't consistently come across. Yet still, this mythos has given me place as well. When I've had nobody else, this mythos has been there for me for ten years. Without it, I wouldn't have published two books, written three rock albums, made dozens of surprisingly close online friends, and been exposed to media that has in tangible ways changed my life. I'm maybe a little too close to this mythos to make a proper grand statement in overview, which would be more appropriate for this celebratory post, but I can speak emotive, I can light a signal to confirm to the world that we're still going. To a degree, I can speak both to and for our community in saying: We have known activity, and we have known rest, and somehow out of the ambiguous murk in between the two we have found our Voice persists.

Those of you who are only now finding us, you've got so much to see. Those of you who are sticking around, you're in for a treat.

Another thing I'm doing here is clumsily segueing into another subject: seven years ago, on our third Fearniversary, LizardBite privately proposed setting up a semi-"official" ARG in celebration. (You know the kind: Codes hidden across the web that, when solved, lead down rabbit holes to even more codes, accompanied by some sort of story.) alliterator and I took up the suggestion and spent some time planning behind the scenes. I sought out the consultation of CuteWithoutThe, as well as mythos veterans The Visitor, Omega, and Squeek, in order to work out a setting of lore and game mechanics which would be both ethically appropriate and compelling. This proved fruitful, and when we launched the ARG our players uncovered novellas, audio logs, myths, and art (contributed by the likes of The Visitor, Logic, Wiratomkinder, and alliterator). The subforum on which their efforts were contained still exists, though you may need an account to see it. The ARG went on hiatus two years later, and it has been dormant ever since.

Those who currently frequent the discord community may know that I have been digging the old plans back up, that I intend on bringing the ARG back. It was my intent to bring it back in time for this Fearniversary. I, uh, may still be able to do so in time for the 28th of February, but I am not going to push it, as the content I have under works demands rigorous iteration and testing. I bring this up in this post because it is, by its nature, relevant to celebrations of our mythos, and this news is relevant to this Fearniversary in particular.

So. To conclude.

Happy Fearniversary 2021! We're celebrating a decade of the Fear Mythos!

and

As soon as it is ready, you will know: Nine is God is coming back. New players will be welcome.

[lwtq-undertale]

I swear you will get to know how the story ends but I can't promise it'll be the way you expected it :x

So... Hey guys. I bet I surprised at least a few of you by updating this fanfic, huh? I hope you won't be too disappointed... I mean, I'm sure at least some of you saw this coming, since the fanfic has been waiting for chapter 14 for practically a year and, well, I kinda "moved on" with other stories since. Sorta.

First off: I'm not giving up. I won't orphan the fanfic on AO3, delete it along with this blog, or give up updating it at all. In fact, I will be definitely giving a few more updates, hopefully sooner rather than later. It's just that these updates... won't technically be true chapters, sadly.

I've gotten more comments as of recently, here and there, on tumblr, deviantart, AO3, asking me to continue despite the fact that, well... I tried, but I can't. Not now, at least. I think said once that I wouldn't release LWtQ's plot and leave it at that, in order not to disappoint. But... Yeah, let's say I changed my mind. LWtQ is just too hard to write, too time-consuming, too nerve-wracking. Given my current situation and the fact that I'm about to start a PhD in molecular dynamics, I'm gonna be straightforward: what I need my free time to be is anything but years-long projects that take up all of my brain cells, after said brain cells already spent the entirety of the past few days/weeks/months/years working at full power. I'm not saying working on LWtQ or Pythagorean Thoughts or The Fifth Save isn't fun anymore, far from it-- I'm just saying that it's just extremely tiring, and that my physical and mental health just can't keep up with two full-time "jobs" that require my brain to work constantly.

So... I'll try to find a middle ground here. I'll reveal my notes, but in a form that lets only those who truly seek them out will get to read them -- because, y'know. Spoilers. I'll give a link to a Google Drive folder, and this folder will contain a large bunch of documents -- and those documents will be dedicated to giving either random notes I had for the fanfic, or, more importantly, a detailed summary of what I had planned for the story, chapter by chapter. I'll try to make these summaries as enjoyable to read as possible, still! Don't expect a mere checklist of things that were supposed to happen. The thing I'd ideally like those summaries to feel like is some sort of mix between one of those plot summaries you find on wikias, and a sort-of minimalistic fanfic. So, I'll try to make the text sound at least a bit engaging, but yeah the quality of the narration obviously won't be nearly as advanced as that of LWtQ.

Anyway. Those who want to seek out the story's secrets will have little trouble reading through everything I have, while those who would rather wait just have to, y'know, not click the link. (And also, very probably, not read the comments either, because I'm 99% certain that at least some of those who read the spoilers will want to talk about what happens. So be careful around the comment section from now on, just in case.)

Once again, the fact that I'm releasing those notes doesn't mean that the fanfic is abandoned for good. However... Hopefully it means I can relax a bit and feel less guilty upon extending the hiatus and ignoring the comments, until finally I can afford to continue this story for real. By the way, I am SO sorry for ignoring you if you were one of those readers who commented during the last few weeks/months. I just... I have a hard time handling the situation right now-- not just the fanfic, just pretty much everything that happens in my life to be entirely honest. With that, the guilt of disappointing, and the fact that I hate repeating myself, that's pretty much why I just... kinda didn't have the courage to answer you, I guess. Even though I make a point of never copy-pasting my messages when I'm talking to one person individually, just saying "hiatus" over and over feels like I'd be doing it anyway.

So with all that said... I'm sorry. For now, you may or may not know that I'm "rather" productive with that Hollow Knight comic/ask blog I've been running since June... It's kinda the only thing that keeps me sane right now because it's much easier to make, it's funny, it's a story that directly interacts with its readers, and it doesn't take ages to update, for once (at least until those darn readers started sending me encrypted messages in Morse code for whatever reason. Typical u_u). I guess that's why I have much less trouble working on it while working on LWtQ is so hard, despite the fact that I love both plots equally -- or even, I guess I kinda prefer LWtQ's plot, to be honest... It's more refined and complex and dives deeper into stuff. And the threat/stakes are much higher, too.

Anyway. If you've waited for long enough... Here's the link to this hellish pandora box that is my brain notes regarding this story.

>> Open the Spoilers Box <<

And now that this is out of the way... Here's how things will go from now on. So far, the only docs available in this folder are the beginning of chapter 14, as I was able to write it so far; the "first part" of the LWtQ script, which contains a summary of chapters 14 to 17; and, an extra doc that lists Dawn's online friends and is just really a list of random facts about them. In the future, I will update this fanfic regularly in order to let you know when other parts of the script are done, and a new doc that contains the summary for the next few chapters will be added to the folder. I initially planned to release the entire thing all at once, but... Hopefully you'll soon understand why I couldn't really do that, and why it probably wouldn't have been a good idea either way. Even a summarized version of LWtQ is gonna be one hell of a mess to write, and it'd be even more painful to read if I just released everything at once.

So... Just giving you a heads up for what's coming. I also have in the works, but haven't revealed yet : - The summary for the next chapters up until the end of the fanfic - An overly detailed doc dedicated to just LWtQ's backstory, which will only be revealed once I'm done with the summaries - A graph which summarizes LWtQ's timeline, because obviously time travel shenanigans tend to make things confusing. It includes the backstory mentioned above and therefore will only be revealed alongside it.

Oh, and... I know chapter 14 isn't finished, but just in case you wanted to read some fanfic stuff today, then I hope I can at least entertain you a bit with what I've already written of it.

[noonmutter]

Personal shiz. Just putting most of it behind a thing in case you don’t wanna read it.

I remember a post that floated around my dash a while ago--a few days, a few weeks, who the hell knows, everything blurs together now--about long absences and how they should be allowed to go unmentioned sometimes as a general rule of friendship. And I thought about it for awhile, but I couldn’t really get behind the sentiment, at least not on its face. Not without some caveats. Taking a hiatus, going away, leaving for a while; these are fine. Absolutely fine. Sometimes you gotta unplug before you go insane. “Ghosting,” on the other hand--disappearing without a word, even through a proxy, without even a minimum of “life is bad, I’ll be back someday”... That sucks. It always sucks. Even if they come back, even if you let it pass, it still sucks. And that feeling is valid, too.

I’ve been online since I was nine years old; I’m 33 now. I am a child of the internet as it was becoming something people did, instead of something people referred to. And something I got used to as I was chatting with friends I’d never met (most of whom I never would meet) was the simple fact that one day, many of them would stop showing up. Sometimes people just completely disappeared. Here today, chatting about video games and common early teenagery bitching about how nobody understands you, gone tomorrow like they never were. Hell, one of the saddest stories/memes/greentext/screenshots-from-4chan/whatever a lot of people ever saw was a guy talking about his buddy on Xbox who would speak in broken English, helping the guy play games and pointing out solutions in Portal 2 coop, and eventually saying ‘bad times friend ahead,’ warning that he might have no computer and no home. Promises he will return. And then his friend never got back online again.

And that’s fair. Life happens; it sure as hell happened to the guy in that story, real or fictional. The internet was not the sum total of one’s life. I know that, you know that; most people know that. That’s sort of transmuted to the opposite in the last few years, and 2020 in particular. The internet is everywhere, in almost everything, all the time now. It’s entirely possible (and in 2020, likely) to spend no time in the physical presence of another human being while still socializing with numerous human beings all day. Hanging out happens online as much as it used to in a park or a restaurant.

For many years I managed to just take the disappearances in stride somehow, it didn’t upset me. Of course, it upset me a bit--obviously, I’d lost someone I considered a friend and that I thought considered me one--but I wasn’t angry or bitter. Just sad. Thinking about it it was probably a very low-key form of grief. I used to get pangs when I’d read log files of old RP from a decade or more ago, coming across names I barely remembered until they were right in front of me, and suddenly my memory worked again for a few minutes while I reminisced to myself. So I made myself get rid of those log files after a few years, and it took a fair bit of weight off me. I still miss those people, but...bad idea to just keep reopening a wound.

At some point in adulthood, though, I stopped being able to just let the disappearance of friends roll off me. I don’t know when that happened; I just know that it did. Nowadays, it is my worst fear that somebody I love talking to, and who hopefully loves talking to me, will just stop, and disappear, and I’ll never know why or what happened. Maybe I develop more real attachments to people these days than I did as a teenager. Maybe that shift from “using the internet” to “being online“ significantly changed how much depth my online relationships have and I care more because there’s more to care about. Maybe I’ve just been burned too many times by the shitty ones, the gaslighters and the stalkers and the wierdoes. I don’t know.

And what bothers me most about this, the lessened ability to just let go and be okay in the silence, is that I have no idea how normal it is to be broken up by it. But I do know it fuckin’ sucks, and I do know that there has to be a limit somewhere. At what point is it no longer being a good friend who’s patiently waiting, and some form of delusion to be sitting back and hoping they’ll pop up again? Am I just missing people I care about, or is this some wierd codependent bullshit that I need to solve on my own?

This ramble has no point. I’m just feeling like shit and missing old friends and needed to write it down.

[wetookanoath]

personal struggles, the fate of this and other blogs and apologies.

This year so far has been strange and not good for me and this blog. Some of you know my long history with hate in this fandom and while it’s always nice to hear your kind words, the hate I get is every day worse to the point I had to take off the anonymous option on this blog, my personal, the Library, the writing events and even the damn porn blog.

A few months ago I said I was gonna delete all blogs, and as promised I also deleted my twitter account, passed the instagram account to someone else (who hasn’t done anything with it yet), deleted other b*zzf*ed related blogs I ran, and left others I helped in.

I answered to every and all asks on this blog and the porn blog (most asks now on queue or drafts, waiting to be posted slowly to not spam), finished the event that didn’t went as good as it seemed and passed the administration of the Library to my personal account to never left it die down.

During this time, something happened in my personal life and I found myself in a very dark place I never thought I would go back to after it happened to me many years ago. But it did, and I had to dealt with it all over again, but this time there was a difference, this time I knew were to start and it helped me because I was able to ask for what I needed and get help.

I’m on meds again. I’m not proud of it and it... makes me angry that I’m ashamed to admit it. I’m making less money, lost a person, stopped writing, entered a rehab therapy for two weeks for depression (I didn’t tell anyone but my family, which won me a very long fight with my best friend and two of my best friends online), ended in the hospital last month. 

That long period I spent away from this blog, forgetting to answer replies I got e-mails for and the days of check-in and whatnot for the Exchange, god they were so good even with all that mess going on. I watched and read so many things, even if suffered not writing and other physical things. But I felt good, I really did. Which I think it’s why I was happy to get back here, just to find hate on my inbox yet again (from the same person as always, by the way. This woman really is the saddest person on the planet. Yes, it’s about you. I know you are reading this), and I really thought “why do I keep doing this to myself?”

And then weeks ago I finally realized why. And it’s because I like this show so much. I like the pictures and the stories, the chat group I’m in even if sometimes I feel like they don’t like me, and most important, in spite of all the hate we get here, I love the stories I write for this fandom, and my ship. I’ve never wrote this good, gotten the chance to improve and learn better english too.

I love the writer I am in this fandom and I have wrote so much these past few weeks, and all because I started to write shy*n again. 

So what do I do?

There are days when I forget this blog exists. It’s been so boring, this hiatus and how things have changed, the lack of content makes things dry and easier to forget. I just forget it exists, but then when I get in, it’s fun when there’s no hate. I find it entertaining to go into my blogs and tag everything properly, organize tag pages and make lists of films based on things, make edits, answer old asks I didn’t have time for before.

Since now that anonymous is off I don’t get any asks, I had have the chance to answer in depth so many things I had left behind before, it’s been fun. Like it used to be, January-July of 2018 came again to remind me of how things were before The Change. I enjoyed preparing this blog for my deperture, and I found myself not wanting to go.

My first thought after that revelation? “People is going to hate on me on anonymous for changing my mind”. Isn’t that fucking sad? That I have to condition everything I do so people won’t hate me on anonymous and say horrible things just because I complain bout things, then calm down and change my mind like any other normal person does on a daily basic... on my own, personal blog? 

So, so far, this is what will happen:

The blog reminds, since it’s also kind of an archive for this fandom with how much has been posted that I know it’s resourceful to people for all kinds of things.

Anonymous will perpeturally be off in all my blogs. The Library’s inbox will remain closed.

I’m still going to take my long periods of ignoring this blog, so I’m sorry if you sent me any qs and I don’t answer right away.

It will be on perpetual semi-hiatus, since I will come back once a week to answer things, tag stuff, stock the Library’s queue and the one on this blog.

About the updates, I’m just going to post things I would like to archive myself.

New fanfics/chapters of fics coming every Saturday until I’m done posting everything I wrote these weeks. I’m still writing, so I guess my day of the week to check replies, messages and asks will be on Saturday.

I don’t think I will be around for the new season, not the way I used to. I’m so gonna watch it, but no posts from me anymore. This is a big maybe, since I’m not sure of many things right now, especially with my health as fragile as it is right at the moment.

There’s, so far, 131 original posts on queue. These are: lists that were requested on this blog on such things like all episode Shane called Ryan ‘baby’, personal favorite shyan moments with links (I worked so much in this one, I ended up hating it), etc., edits from many things, included shoots found in old articles and so on, the ongoing ‘fave insta pics’ series of Ryan, Shane, TJ, Sara, Kelsey and the boys in other people’s instagrams, more favorite fanfic edits, and more buzzships edits. Also, a few headcanons, rec lists and solo recs.

Queue will post three posts a day, one original text, one reblog, one original edit. Texts are less than the edits, so when they are over, it will be two edits and one reblog. I will be stocking the queue during my weekly visit, so I don’t know if it will eventually run off original posts or not. 

Library reminds what it is, inbox closed until further notice.

Writing Events is over, though. I’m too tired for that. At least for a long break.

This really all depends on my health and how things are once the show is back. I miss the interaction a lot, so having lost the anonymous option it’s really a big bummer for me, and maybe to the people who did like to interact with me and the blog’s content in a positive way via this option. We’ll see.

And finally, I want to apologize not only for the long of this but for my negative reactions months ago. It was wrong, childish at times and out of character. I didn’t realize I was getting bad, and when I did it had already gotten worse. I can now look at all those desperate posts and see how bad I really was at keeping it together and how desperate I was to be okay. 

While I still believe I didn’t deserve the harassment I was getting, I should had never given onto it and answer back. I shouldn’t. It was not only bad for me, but to the people who followed/follows this blog and engaged into the negativity too. 

I caused that by acting exactly how the hateful people wanted me to, and instead of showing myself as the imperfect human being I am, all people saw was a crying girl asking to be appreciated and loved back. And the reality is that forcing those things to happen won’t make it any better, on the contrary, it makes it worse.

All those times I said, “why does people have to insult me for you to care about me?”, it was because I made it happen. I decided to posts those answers and reply to the hate, and it made people, worried by my answers and the tone of them (yeah, I was pretty suicidal and paranoid, I didn’t realize until recently), send their support. It made it look like that was the case, that I needed to be hurt for people to appreciate me.

But now, I don’t post those things. Had to shut down anonymous asks. And last week I got one ask, just one, of someone saying they love this blog. There was no reason for it, just someone who saw me online and send in their positivity. And it was the best thing in the world, those short words, the best ones.

So yes. My sincere and deepest apologies to everyone, involved or not, for having acted, well, toxic in the past months. Hopefully, it won’t happen again. Meds, no anon and semi-hiatus will make a difference, I hope. And things will be fine.

Thanks for the support, the kindness and the love. And thanks for reading this bible.

Love you,

Nina.

[fallxnprxnce]

PSA: Activity Update & Future of This Blog

{out of exile} *folds hands on desk and looks at camera* Alright. Let’s talk frankly about my rather long-term inactivity on this blog. I am still alive, heh, and I want to just explain a few things so everyone knows where I’m at with this blog.

I hope I still have some followers on here still and I apologize for the complete lack of activity on here in the past several months. I know you have heard this all before, and the truth is that I did not want to let go of Nuada as a muse despite not having much inspiration to write him lately. I still am not shutting down this blog (I can’t, it’s my main on this account and all other rp blogs of mine are sides of this one, heh), but I will need to do things differently going forward. I should have put this blog on hiatus but I honestly didn’t think I would be this inactive and for this long, so I dropped the ball on that. I am very sorry.

First of all, my inactivity has been largely due to these three reasons:

I have a lack of muse for Nuada. It has been a while since I had have muse for him, but I think I might know a big reason why. I will explain more in my plans for this blog once I explain the other two reasons for my inactivity.

I have overwhelming Marvel muse instead. I have three Marvel rp blogs now after getting caught up on a lot of the movies, and I am really enjoying a lot of muse, creativity, and just general love of writing them. I am active daily on @thiscrimsonsoul​ (Wanda Maximoff) and @fasterthanmydemons​ (Pietro Maximoff), and am active semi-daily on @notbigondoors​ (Vision). If you want to rp with me, interact via asks, send in memes, ask about headcanons, and all that fun stuff I used to do on this blog, heh, I am very responsive over on those blogs. That’s where the bulk of my roleplaying on Tumblr has been since around May. So feel free to interact with me and my muses over on those blogs if you like Marvel or have a Marvel muse!

Work being unexpectedly challenging this past summer and right now. For those who don’t know, I teach online environmental science classes for a university. Usually my summer classes are low key, easy, quiet, a breeze. This summer... was horrible. The students really did nothing they were supposed to do, there were so many technical issues, it was a mess. Then, as of the beginning of September, we switched online platforms for the class, so I have had to completely re-learn a lot of things that were second nature to me and that I used to be able to do very quickly. The result is that this has seriously eaten into my free time in an unanticipated way. So I am sorry that I promised more activity over the summer, but it just didn’t happen. And right now, work is kindof kicking my ass, heh.

Alright, so that’s why this blog has been pretty dead lately. Now let’s talk about where we go from here. If I do still have anyone following me that loves Nuada, still wants to interact, and is not totally furious with me for my low activity and poor time management with this blog, I do still want to keep this blog going. However, one of the reasons I think my muse for him is suffering is because this blog is kindof a mess. Specifically, my threads and drafts. I have 96 drafts for Nuada, and most of them are not pictures and memes, they’re threads. So many of these threads are with people who have deactivate, changed their blogs, no longer want to rp, or maybe some who do, but the threads are so old that at this point going back to them is such a daunting task. It’s a mental block for me that is really holding me back.

I cannot scrape this blog and make another because, as I said up there, this is my main on this account. But I think giving it an aesthetic overhaul will help... and the other thing that I know will help is starting from scratch with threads. I have hesitated to do this for so long because I thought it would really upset people, but I think I need to do it to clear my head, and at this point my inactivity has probably infuriated so many of you that I am not sure how many rp partners I even still have on here. So I think it’s time to do it. Therefore, I am officially announcing that I will be clearing out Nuada’s drafts with intent to start new ones with everyone. If there are any threads that anyone is absolutely in love with or threads that have been started more recently that didn’t get beyond an introduction stage, message me and maybe we can keep a couple of those, but for the most part, everything is getting nixed. I want a fresh start. =) I will be revamping the blog right after I finish a little project I’m now going to talk more about, because I’m sure some of you are reading to hear about that... 

Okay... almost done with this long post, heh. The other thing you are all probably wonder about: The “Nuada in Silent Hill” fanfic I was writing... Is that still a thing? Is it still going to happen? Yes, and yes. I will be honest, I did not have much time to work on it over the entire summer. I did here and there, but I just didn’t have the time. However, having said that, it is almost finished. I am up to the ending and I want to have it done soon. After that I will just need some time to read for typos, continuity, all that good stuff, and then I can start posting it in various places. So yes, it is still happening, and we’re getting close, people, I promise. XD I really like the way it’s turning out, and I hope you will like it too when you read it. I still have that post where I asked everyone to like it if they wanted to be notified when the fanfic was posted, but since it’s been a while, if you want to go ahead and like this post as well if you are interested in a notification, feel free to do so. I am compiling a master list of people to notify when I get it posted.

If you have any questions about anything, you want to contact me about any of our threads to save, or you have any other comments, concerns, or suggestions, I am here. =) Hit my Marvel blogs up in the meantime, though, because like I said, I am active daily on most of those.

Love you guys! Happy rping! =D

[raywritesthings]

Dear Friend, 6/?

My Writing Fandom: Arrow Characters: Laurel Lance, Oliver Queen, Thea Queen Pairing: Laurel Lance/Oliver Queen Summary: When Felicity decides to get serious about Ray, she knows it won’t be a good idea for Oliver to be hanging around. So she turns to the world of online dating to keep him distracted. Unknown to the both of them, over the summer Joanna had set Laurel up with an online dating account in the hopes that her friend could move on from past failed relationships. There’s only one way this can end. *Can also be read on my AO3* ***ADDITIONAL NOTE*** So I have a question for you all: I had a shorter, simpler ending initially planned and written, but some discussion in the comments on AO3 caused me to reconsider and possibly extend things further. That being said, I don't have any of that material written and I am looking to be incredibly busy this summer between work, summer assignments, and internships. So would people prefer that I just post everything that I have, including that original ending, on schedule, or would they prefer I write the alternate ending which might cause this story to go on hiatus in a couple of weeks? Please let me know your preference in replies, tags, askbox, however you wanna do it. Thanks!

As he’d told Laurel, Oliver was preparing for the inevitable clash against Ra’s, and that meant preparing Thea. He’d been relieved to finally tell her the truth about his identity, and even more so that she’d accepted him despite everything his being the Arrow had done to her life.

But to tell her the rest, he couldn’t do it here. Thea needed space away from the others, and from Malcolm, to learn the truth of what she’d been forced to do. So he’d decided to take her to Lian Yu, partly to start his own training of her and partly to provide her that space. To do that, of course, meant leaving again.

This time, he thought he’d go about it the right way.

KingOfSurvival: just wanted to let you know this time, I am going on a trip without WiFi. Should be a week. Don’t organize any search parties while I’m gone

Sure enough, she replied.

JusticeIsAWoman: haha very funny

JusticeIsAWoman: but thanks for telling me, really

JusticeIsAWoman: and have fun

Despite knowing he wasn’t planning much fun by a long shot, he found himself smiling.

KingOfSurvival: we’ll see

KingOfSurvival: I’ll miss you

Oliver licked his lips as he watched for her response. He’d typed that on an impulse, not really thinking through the implications. Would she find that weird? Clingy?

JusticeIsAWoman: miss you too

He breathed a sigh of relief and put away his phone.

On the plane ride over and in the initial calm of their stay on the island, he caught himself scrolling back through old conversations of theirs, just to read her words again. And in the aftermath of their confrontation with Slade, he found himself wishing he could just be home again so he could talk to her.

She’d become such a part of his life it was hard to believe sometimes. He thought of her as a friend the same as John or Felicity or Roy or even Laurel, even if he’d known this person for only a fraction of the time he’d known her. Yet it also gave him some hope; Slade may have been right that he’d lost some of the most important people in his life, but Oliver had to be doing something right if she was in it.

—-

Ever since Thea had learned the truth —about herself, about Oliver, about Malcolm — it felt like she’d been training nonstop. She couldn’t complain; training her body, pushing it to the limit and working herself to exhaustion kept her from thinking. If she slowed down, she’d have to face to truth at the heart of it all: what she’d done to Sara.

She didn’t know how to live with this kind of guilt.

Thea went down to the base one late afternoon and found it mostly vacant. Laurel was working with her gloves at the mats, a whirlwind of movement. She wished she could be like that, training with a sheer iron will instead of having a target on her back. Even her initial training with Malcolm, part of her wondered now just how much of it had really been her idea or if it had all been his careful manipulation.

Thea didn’t know whether to call out to her or not; she knew Laurel didn’t blame her, but she found herself mostly keeping out of her way regardless.

But Laurel stopped, going for a towel to wipe at the sweat on her forehead. She nodded to Thea. “Hey, Speedy.”

“Hey. Um, looking good.”

“Thanks.”

There was a pause. There were always pauses now around Thea. She didn’t know what to say and people didn’t know what to say to her. It sucked, and she didn’t know what was worse. She would never want to take back not knowing the truth, but in some ways it had brought her closer to the people she cared about and in some it ways it had only pushed them further away.

“Think you could show me how to do that?” She blurted unexpectedly.

“You want me to train you?”

“Well, sure, Malcolm and Oliver aren’t boxing experts.”

“I wouldn’t call myself an expert,” Laurel deflected.

“But you’ll be better than me. And maybe teaching somebody will help you, too. It’s okay if you don’t want to,” she added, looking down. Thea ought to consider herself lucky Laurel still talked to her at all, if she were being honest with herself. But she couldn’t stop herself missing her.

Maybe Laurel read some of that on her face, because she stepped forward and placed a hand on Thea’s shoulder. “Of course I want to. I just figured with Oliver and Malcolm already training you, you wouldn’t need my help.”

“Are you kidding? Laurel, you throw guys against walls. No way Ollie’s gonna teach me that.”

Her friend’s lips pressed together, an attempt to hide the pleased smile she wore. “Well, let’s start with the basics, first.”

And she really meant the basics. Laurel showed her how to put on the gloves properly, how to hold her fists, the right stance, and none of that involved throwing a punch yet.

Laurel got herself ready but threw Thea for a loop when she strapped a couple pads onto her gloves.

“What’re those?”

“Focus mitts.” She tapped the center of one. “You’re gonna be punching right here.”

That proved to be harder work than she’d thought. Laurel wasn’t punching back, but she didn’t stay still either. She showed Thea the difference between various combinations and then had her practice them one after the other. It was a good way to work up a sweat.

Laurel’s phone buzzed, and she held up a hand to signal a pause so she could go check it. Thea ventured off the mat for her water bottle, and she glanced at Laurel out of the corner of her eye.

Her friend’s eyes were sparkling as she typed out some reply, her lips pressed together like she was holding in a laugh. It had been a long time since Thea had ever seen her smile like that.

Curiosity piqued, she asked, “Who’s that?”

Laurel looked up with wide eyes. “Um, nobody.”

Thea raised an eyebrow. “Right, that’s why they have your number.”

“It’s kind of a long story.” Laurel looked around the currently empty base, then sighed. She took two steps closer to Thea. “Can you promise not to tell anybody?”

“Yeah, of course,” Thea agreed even as she tensed slightly. Secrets among this group never seemed to turn out well.

But to her pleasant surprise, what Laurel eventually said was, “I’ve been talking to this guy on an anonymous dating app.”

“No way!”

“It’s not like that. I mean, we’re friends. And he’s a great guy, but I don’t even know his name. And anyway…” She trailed off and shook her head, though Thea didn’t miss the way her eyes had drifted over to Oliver’s suit in its case.

“But you like him?”

“Him? Oh.” Laurel glanced back down at her phone. “Yeah. I mean, it’s just been nice to have someone to talk to who’s a little distant from it all.”

“It doesn’t make it harder since you can’t get into the details?”

She shrugged. “We work around it. But even if I can’t say everything, I’m still being honest. And it’s nice to have somebody listen to what I’m saying instead of deciding what I must be thinking because of my past mistakes.”

When she put it that way, it sounded great. “Where do I sign up?”

Laurel chuckled. “I got really lucky finding someone who wanted something similar out of this to what I did. And it took a while and a lot of unwelcome messages before that.” She set the phone aside. “Besides, I know you guys are here for me, too, just like I’m here for you.”

Thea smiled. “Thanks, Laurel. I don’t know how you even still want to care—”

“Hey, we all know this wasn’t your fault.” Laurel held her gaze until she nodded once. “And I’m always going to care about you, and Ollie, and the others.”

“I’m glad you and Ollie are better friends than last year,” Thea said before she could really help herself.

But Laurel didn’t look offended. “So am I. I think we’re all getting better from last year. Knowing the truth helps. And he’s been...different.” Her gaze went far away again, probably thinking of the different things Thea’s brother had apparently been doing. “It’s been nice being able to talk to him, too.”

Laurel gave herself a little shake, then reached for the training mitts.

“Let’s get back to work.”

Thea agreed with little fuss, though her mind remained on what she’d just learned. She wanted Laurel to be happy, no matter what form that took, but wondered at the choice the other woman seemed stuck between; take a chance on a stranger, or hold onto what was familiar yet no more guaranteed. Maybe she ought to try sounding Ollie out discreetly for her to see where he stood. Thea didn’t want Laurel to lose an opportunity with this new guy just because her brother was giving off his infamous mixed signals. But she wanted Oliver to be happy, too. Maybe it was better not to meddle and let whatever happened happen.

Even if a relationship wasn’t in the cards, Thea was glad to know her friend had someone in her life to make her smile like that again.

—-

Oliver stared at the popup on the screen.

You have earned one-hundred stars with JusticeIsAWoman! Show her your photo? Y/N

He had completely forgotten that aspect of the app, which Felicity had only mentioned once in passing. She clearly hadn’t thought he’d ever reach this point. He hadn’t meant to reach it at all.

Oliver closed out of the little box and pulled up the chat screen.

KingOfSurvival: you didn’t happen to get a notification about stars, did you?

It was a few minutes after that that she sent a reply.

JusticeIsAWoman: just saw it

JusticeIsAWoman: So...pictures

KingOfSurvival: yeah

KingOfSurvival: I’m not even sure I ever uploaded a picture

JusticeIsAWoman: I know I didn’t

JusticeIsAWoman: so what do we want to do

That wasn’t as easy a question as it sounded. On the one hand, he’d been talking to her and wondering for so long, it might be nice to have a face to match to his idea of her. Maybe even a name. Something that would make this deep familiarity she seemed to hold with him feel more tangible, more explainable.

On the other hand, whenever things became tangible, that was always when they went wrong. When he made them go wrong.

KingOfSurvival: I guess I’m afraid it will ruin what we have

JusticeIsAWoman: funny, that’s what I was thinking

Well, at least he wasn’t the only one worried about screwing up.

KingOfSurvival: I’m sure you’d do fine

KingOfSurvival: I’m the one who can never see when I have a good thing going

JusticeIsAWoman: you really gotta stop beating yourself up about that one failed date

Oliver blinked. He hadn’t even been thinking of Felicity in that moment.

KingOfSurvival: I meant the other friend-ex

He always meant the other friend-ex, didn’t he? No matter what he said or did, it always seemed to come back to Laurel. He’d probably talked about Laurel twice as much as Felicity on this app, gotten more advice, done more to try and heal what he’d broken.

JusticeIsAWoman: I thought you weren’t still interested in her?

He’d said as much in his real life, hadn’t he? But why did his thoughts always trend back in that direction? What was it that always brought him back to her?

KingOfSurvival: it’s not really a matter of whether I’m interested

KingOfSurvival: I screwed things up too badly between us for her to ever be interested again

JusticeIsAWoman: she said that?

KingOfSurvival: not in so many words

KingOfSurvival: but I’m not trying to decide things for her, promise

JusticeIsAWoman: well, I’m sorry things ended up that way between you

KingOfSurvival: me too

Oliver felt like his head was spinning. He’d never gotten over the regret for his actions regarding Laurel, but over time he’d tried to tell himself that was just because it had been wrong. Not that he still missed what they’d had.

But he did miss it. He missed being the one to make her smile or laugh, missed the quiet nights where the most serious thing they had to discuss was what to order in for their study dates, missed how she used to pretend to get scared at a horror film so he had the excuse to pull her into his arms.

No matter how many times Laurel told him now that he could have a life and be the Arrow at the same time, Oliver realized it would never be enough, because he could never have the life he really wanted ever again. He’d lost that long before he ever put on that hood, and he’d be a fool to think he could ever get it back.

KingOfSurvival: I guess that’s why I’m on here

KingOfSurvival: because I kept trying to move on with real dating, but it never worked

KingOfSurvival: and I knew it was me but I didn’t want to admit why it was me

KingOfSurvival: why I didn’t want to move on

JusticeIsAWoman: it’s hard to admit when you’re not over someone

KingOfSurvival: but I need to be

Not for himself, but for Laurel. He could see now how his feelings got in the way of rational decision making when it came to her. John had always warned him. If he hadn’t been so worried or protective, maybe he would have agreed to train her and she’d be better off in the streets than she was now. Maybe he’d have been more forthcoming with information about Sara’s case if he hadn’t been so concerned with sparing her pain, so she wouldn’t have felt she needed to do things so on her own.

KingOfSurvival: I keep setting myself up to fail because I think it’s what I deserve. But all it does is hurt other people

JusticeIsAWoman: yeah, I’ve been there

JusticeIsAWoman: but what does your friend-ex want? Like really what she wants, not what you think she wants

KingOfSurvival: I know, I’m learning

Oliver couldn’t quite believe himself, that he was back here even considering if Laurel...but no. He felt it was fair to say she wasn’t looking for a relationship with him, or perhaps anyone, at the moment.

KingOfSurvival: she wants to be friends, I guess

KingOfSurvival: she said we should hang out more, outside of work I mean

JusticeIsAWoman: how’s she doing at the new job?

KingOfSurvival: good. Great, really, considering she hasn’t been at it that long

He hadn’t allowed himself to say that nearly enough. He’d been tougher on her than Roy or Barry, and he knew that was because he’d been trying to keep her off the field and safe. Because he cared about her so fiercely he didn’t know how to handle it sometimes.

JusticeIsAWoman: so will you ask her out?

KingOfSurvival: just as a friend

KingOfSurvival: things are too hectic right now to even consider anything else

JusticeIsAWoman: I can understand that

JusticeIsAWoman: so what about us?

What about them? If he knew he was still struggling with moving on, it wouldn’t be fair to take a new step with this not-quite-a-relationship. But then was putting whatever they had on hold for something he knew would never happen fair?

KingOfSurvival: don’t get me wrong, I like what we have

KingOfSurvival: but considering our dating histories, maybe it might be a good idea to take our time on something like this?

It was a while before she answered. He wondered if he’d scared her off by mentioning dating. After all, they’d promised. And pictures didn’t have to mean dating, but they would mean...something. Something more.

JusticeIsAWoman: ok

JusticeIsAWoman: how about if we hit another hundred stars, we’ll show each other our pictures then

It was reasonable.

KingOfSurvival: sure

It was probably a cowardly move, but he wasn’t sure how to be brave in this sort of situation. He never had been. As long as they were still talking, that would have to be enough. At least for now.

He had some unfinished personal matters to finally get some closure on.

[seenashwrite]

Changes for Nash

I'm going to be pulling back the time I spend on here in various ways, and if you'd like to know in what ways you can find the basic scoop below the cut.

To new followers - I hate that you've arrived just in time to see this, but I must hit “pause” and look after myself. Story-wise (and otherwise!) there's quite a bit of original content to peruse, so I hope this will satisfy you for the time being.

To all of the Nashooligans  - please understand this does not mean I won't still post things and queue things. I've got a ton of stuff in drafts (thank you notes, replies, feedback, etc.) that will get posted in due time. I'm not disappearing. I'm not dropping the friendships I've made and the chats we have/the things we share/etc., nor a couple of challenges I agreed to and the side-blog projects I’ve committed to work on with others.

For those of you who don't read further, I'll close for you with a heartfelt...

Much lurve - Nash.

What’s changing / stopping:

I've been doing some purging offline, and now have starting doing some purging online. As there are many of you I consider friends and as I have a good chunk of devoted readers/participants in my shenanigans around here, I feel I owed you the scoop on what's changing (at least for now). 

The TL;DR is that “major” original content (things that require great time investment) are not going to be making an appearance for the near future.

So, here are the things related to how I am choosing to spend my time in the context of my activity in the world of fanfic/SPN for the future/near future:

.

* Some projects are indefinitely on hold and some projects are cancelled altogether (see freshly updated Works In Progress post); I will fulfill my remaining challenge commitments as promised, and while perhaps it will be more abbreviated than normal, I will do my best not to kick out anything less than what y’all expect from me creativity-wise

* I've pulled everything from FF.net - the user end is too cumbersome, I'm tired of wasting time on it. I've left everything up on AO3, no plans to take it down from there. I've actually been going through the works there and editing formatting that slipped through the cracks. One thing I am doing is ceasing with adding cute images to stuff, simply not willing to spend the time on it; I may or may not remove the things for which images are necessary to understanding references in a story; we'll see

* Speaking of images - and videos and gifs and whatnots - no more any time soon; I promised one to someone and that’s already done, it’ll be stuck in the Q

* The Nail is on indefinite hold, very possibly will no longer happen; I may whip up an abbreviated version with the fics I had prepped for the next edition, or I'll individually reblog them - priority going to those with less than 100 notes - with brief versions of my usual in depth commentary as time permits; we'll see

* CASPN has been a commitment of mine each week > 1 year, minus the 3 weeks or so absence in the fall due to an injury that resulted in an unexpected hospital stay; I know this is a favorite weekly "break" for a good handful of you; I think I just need my own break. I know for sure I'm no longer able/willing to work on the decks, it is likely more of a time-suck than people realize to comb scripts, get the format for workable Qs and As right, maintain the whole shebang, etc.; bottom line: I just don't know. Like I say, I think I need a hiatus. Maybe until the season premiere. I'll keep thinking about it, let you know on Thursday where I'm at.

* The couple of side blog endeavors I’m pleased to be part of will still keep happening, I committed to it and I’m not gonna leave y’all in a lurch. Plus, that stuff’s fun, and not being in charge of ‘em means less stress and less time consumption

* Having said that, I won't be finishing up the substantial behind-the-scenes work I’ve already done on the SPN Theft Watch blog that is still in construction mode; I'm not deleting it, I'm just not willing to invest time in it right now. I still have several outstanding issues to deal with regarding the personal theft that came over to Tumblr and the reblogs that still have not been deleted. There are a few I still need to give a second notice to; the ones who have now ignored me after 2x, I'm reporting

* I won't be taking on "Dear Nash" things that ask for writing advice, offering up the "Dear Nash: Script Doctor Edition" option, re-blogging any of my writing tips; to the Nonners who asked for a complete master post of such, and the Nonners who asked for a post on how to give and accept critique, I'm putting those on the back burner as well; I also won't be passing along writing tips from professionals; basically nothing under the umbrella of “advice” [ETA: I have done this once since this post (months later) and it went okay. Will consider doing again]

ETA - Neglected to mention that I’ve had an idea for a gift for y’all when/if I hit 1K followers - the “materials” have been accumulating in a bookmark folder - and it’s unlike anything/any concept I’ve seen during my tenure in the fandom. It may take awhile, but I do still plan on doing it.

And if you care to know more scoop about the why... well, the “why” of the tipping point(s) that made me seriously ponder on what I’ve been feeling for awhile now... that’s on a page I made here. 

(Spoiler alert: I’m not angry, there’s no hurt fee-fees, it’s just realization about what I choose to spend my time on and what I get out of those things, how much joy it would bring me and how that’s shifted.)

[bakubros]

life update!

hey everyone! god, it feels like literal ages since i’ve had time to be even semi-active online and i’ve genuinely missed it a lot. i was going to go ahead and wait until next weekend to post this so that i could focus on classes this week, but of course i had to resume activity right when the bkdk pt 2 fight got animated so ??? LMAO THERE’S NO WAY I’M GOING TO BE ABLE TO STOP MYSELF FROM REBLOGGING EVERYTHING ON MY DASH SO HERE WE GO

(read below the cut to hear about why i’ve been so inactive for the past four months, and what’s going on in my life now!)

oh man, i don’t even know where to begin with this! there are so many little details that i’m sure many of you don’t care too much about, so i’m going to try and be as brief as possible. but feel free to shoot me a message/ask if you’re curious for more details! i’m more than happy to talk about it all--and i’m going to say this a lot throughout the next couple of months, but if i don’t respond to you right away, i’m not ignoring you! i’m just. really that swamped by life right now lmao

as some of you may know, i was in japan for three months as a teaching assistant at a university. my career goal upon university graduation is to teach english abroad, so it was honestly such an amazing opportunity for me! japan was absolutely amazing. it’s such a beautiful country and all of the people that i meant there were so kind and thoughtful. my japanese definitely isn’t great, but whenever i needed help, people were always willing to stop and try to help me out. while there was definitely an adjustment period for the first week or so, my students were absolutely amazing and helped me through so much. since i’m roughly the same age as them, it was easy to make friends and go on ridiculous adventures together. the first-years were apparently calling me “kawaii senpai” or “kawaii sensei” behind my back for the first month and a half, and my second-year friends kept teasing me for continuously getting lost in the easiest of places. even though i’m by no means the best teacher, they never lost patience with me and helped encourage me to keep trying my best when my supervisor evaluations weren’t the best. 

and so halfway through july, i got an email from my head supervisor super late at night about how i need to meet him in his office first thing in the morning and?? i was so terrified?? but then he told me that there was a teaching position opening up at a nearby junior high school and he wanted to recommend me as a candidate to that school’s board of educators. and like ??????? i honestly wasn’t expecting that at all??? and so, long story short, my last weeks in japan were spent mostly going through the interview process--with the help of my friends/students who lent me recruit suits to cycle through, gave me pep talks before every big step, and gave me interview advice that i didn’t even realize i needed. AND!!! I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!! i’ll be returning to japan in march as a tenure-track n english teacher on a three year contract. which, like, doesn’t even sound real but ??? here i am!!

i’ve been back in america for roughly a month now recovering from some health issues, but i’m honestly feeling better than ever! i’m in my last semester of uni now and my biggest goal is to just finish strong. i’ve got a teaching internship, a 50-page thesis on gothic narratology, and a shitload of visa paperwork to get started, so i’m kind of all over the place? but i keep on reminding myself that it’ll all be worth it in the end so... fingers crossed!

that being said, this blog is going to be on a bit of semi-hiatus again. i’m going to try to have a regular queue going on, but it’s mostly just going to be me impulsively blogging when i feel like i need a break from schoolwork? my response times on messages are definitely not going to be great, but i’m really going to try my best! lmao who remembers my ambitious new year’s resolution ask me how great that’s going as for my writing updates, i really can’t promise anything until after late december-ish. :c but i’m definitely anxious to get back on the ball! 

and... yeah! i think that’s about it! i’m so excited to be back (even if i’m not entirely back) because there are some super awesome people i’ve gotten to know through tumblr--and many more people that i’m excited to get to know! 💖

[queen-ofthe-pumpkinpatch]

The Reluctant Countess: Prologue

Story Summary: When another plague outbreak arrives on the shores of the Black Sea in 1667, wealthy merchant’s daughter Rosalind is forced to flee her comfortable life for the relative safety of a remote village in the Carpathian Mountains. But she soon finds the humble village harbors a sinister secret and a haunted past.

A “Beauty and the Beast”-inspired vampire story, rated T for some violence. (The romance itself is going to be rated PG.)

Rosalind couldn't have said what caused her to wake. 

She was accustomed to nighttime noises in the city, drunken singing from the tavern across the street, but here in the comparative wilderness, nights were deathly still and calm. A thick woolen drape kept the chill and the moonlight from seeping through the single window in the farmstead's sole bedchamber, fluttering imperceptibly in the midnight breeze.

Aunt Ioana slept soundly beside her on the narrow bed; Rosalind could feel warm breath on the back of her neck. Faruk's gentle, rumbling snores came from the cot at the foot of the bed.

Even though Rosalind's eyes were heavy, she couldn't seem to close them again—they were drawn to the curtained window, arrested suddenly by the strange idea that someone, or something, could easily enter through it, for there was no glass.

No—why was she thinking like that? What a silly, morbid fancy to have. It was late, she was overly tired, and she would feel quite foolish about this in the morning. Any robber or intruder would be mad to steal into a room with three sleeping occupants. In any case, this was the second floor, too high and awkward to climb up.

Even as she dismissed this nonsensical worry in the rational portion of her mind, she couldn't stop imagining it: the curtain parting to one side, a dark silhouette emerging one leg at a time. The back of her neck prickled uncomfortably, all the hair on her arms standing up though she was warm beneath her blanket.

She decided to get out of bed and look through the window herself, to soothe her anxiety once and for all. Rational observation and knowledge would always conquer fear of the unknown, and tonight would be no exception.

She couldn't move.

It was as if an unseen force locked her down to the bed—or rather, as if her thoughts and her limbs were no longer connected. She couldn't sit up, nor turn her head, nor even wiggle her finger. She was utterly frozen. An oppressive weight on her chest made her struggle to take a deep breath.

Only her eyes were free to swivel and survey the dark room, heart pounding against its prison walls as she frantically wondered, What is wrong with me?

She had read in medical texts about people being paralyzed halfway between wakefulness and sleep, but had always assumed it was just a vivid kind of nightmare. But here, now, she felt painfully awake and lucid.

Her wandering eyes met the window again, the curtain stirred by a stronger wind. And then her morbid daydream came horribly to life.

A dark shape slunk into the room, subtle as a lengthening shadow. It was vaguely man-shaped, but the way it moved was horribly inhuman: it crawled across the ceiling, rafter to rafter, scuttling like an immense spider.

She couldn't scream. Couldn't rise from her bed to flee or fight. She knew the figure saw her, was coming for her. Surely it could hear her heart pounding in her throat, surely it could hear her struggling in vain to move a muscle.

The figure dropped to the ground beside her bed. Right-side-up, she could see it was a tall, lanky man, but his face and clothes were impossible to study in the darkness. As its head turned toward hers, its wide eyes gleamed luminous silver for a moment, the way a cat's eyes glowed in the dark.

Whatever, whoever it was, it simply couldn't be human.

A scream built up in her throat. Why did no one else hear? Why didn't they all wake up?

The figure tilted its head, studying her as it approached. It circled the bed several time, footsteps creaking softly on the wooden floorboards. Faruk snored even louder.

Please, whatever you are, stop toying with me and just get it over with, she silently begged. As if in answer to her thought, it knelt suddenly at her side of the bed. Their faces were close, but in the dark all she could see was its mouth, parted slightly. A pair of glistening, sharp canine teeth protruded like fangs.

It spoke to her in a deep, hoarse whisper.

"Before I do anything, please understand this is nothing personal. I wish you no harm. If there were another way, I would…but I'm sure that will be small comfort to you."

A slender hand slid under her head, lifting it up and exposing her neck. She was limp as a doll. The figure bent its head closer, bringing its lips almost to the flesh of her neck. She could feel its breath, oddly cool like the touch of its hand; a scent like rotting wood and the stale air of a crypt. Her skin crawled—she wanted to retch.

For a moment, the viselike, invisible power over her muscles seemed to slacken and she was able to shudder. She fought hard again the strange psychic barrier, still unable to speak or cry out, but her stuttering breaths became sobs of horror and frustration.

What made it all worse: the shadow sighed softly, sympathetically, cradled her head gently with both hands as if trying to soothe her.

"I can't promise this won't hurt," he said, and there was regret in his voice. "But I will try to make it quick."

He struck. Dagger-like teeth pierced her skin, but she was too shocked to register the pain. Her eyes closed, hot tears spilling over, unable to plead for her life. The only sound in the room was the hideous slurping as he lapped up the blood.

Her aunt slept unaware, inches away.

He pulled away slightly, licking the blood from his lips, and she wondered if that was it, if the nightmare was over.

"Forgive me," he whispered, then fastened his lips to the wound once again. Just as she thought her frantic heart would burst from the stress, darkness and dizziness overwhelmed her, and she knew no more.

Next chapter >>

Author's note: This story is actually a reworking of a story I wrote almost eight years ago when I was still a teenager. I'm a little bit embarrassed by that version (which you can still find on this website under a different username, but I don't want people going looking for it!) but still quite attached to it, as it was the first novella-length story I ever completed. I still see that as an accomplishment to be proud of, even if the product itself was, er, deeply flawed.

I don't really know why, but recently I felt compelled to revisit that story and improve it. My style and ideas have evolved quite a lot since then, and hopefully so will the story. Mostly, I want to accomplish two things: 1) more historical accuracy and fleshed out worldbuilding, and 2) somewhat less problematic romantic dynamic between the main characters.

This is still an early draft I'm sharing here online, so I am absolutely open to suggestions and critiques! In fact, I welcome any input that is helpfully intended. I only ask that you please be gentle with me about updates, as I am slowly getting back into the writing groove after a long-ish period of hiatus wrestling with some personal demons.

Um...sorry for this long author's note. Thanks for reading and giving my story a chance. We'll see how this goes.

[doctor48md]

AKB48 49th Single Senbatsu Sousenkyo: Post-Mortem

Depending on who you ask, last night was either the best Sousenkyo in 48G history, or the worst, or in my case, a little bit of both. Starting from the atrocious beachside weather, down to the final speech in that concert hall in Okinawa, the events of the past 48 hours were so polarizing, that it made Dai Sokaku Matsuri 2014 look like a birthday party. This is the first time a 48G event has left me with so many more questions than answers. As much as I try to make sense of the numbers, I am still left in this state of confusion. But let’s try to see if we can find the order in this chaos.

1. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

Look, you’ve proved your god damn point. Enough is enough. Stop kicking us when we’re already down.

The glaring futility of this battle was obvious from the very start. Admittedly, I came into this year’s Sousenkyo carrying the same hesitation I had after last year’s results. I already knew it was going to turn out this way, yet for some reason, there was this tiny glimmer of hope that maybe, maybe things could still be a little different this year. Just maybe, we would somehow be able to overcome the almost-10,000-vote lead Sashihara had on Mayu?

Of course, though, as with all lofty ambitions and unrealistic goals, this dream came crashing down around Mayu and her fans, after which the ruins caught fire and burned away into the ashes of oblivion.

Maybe I’m just projecting here, but you could see it in her eyes, even before she got up from her seat. The disappointment, the frustration, the exhaustion, and worst of all, the realization that no matter what she did, there was no way she would ever experience victory ever again as long as the immovable object that was Sashihara Rino existed.

And that’s when it came. I’ve seen my fair share of graduation announcements before, but this is the first time where I truly felt a sense of anguish behind it. Again, maybe I’m just projecting, but when the words came out of Mayu’s mouth, they felt… heavy. It felt like she was finally giving up, her spirit battered and broken after years of fighting this godforsaken battle.

Of course, we should also take a step back and look at what this means in the grander scheme of things. With Mayu now making her intentions known, the challenges that lie ahead for AKB48 are clear. Team B’s manpower crunch is a priority issue that needs to be settled quickly; the solutions are there already in the form of our Draft picks and Kenkyuuseis, they just need to be executed in a timely, efficient manner.

2. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over… oh

Speaking of insanity, we can’t forget the one moment that’s currently blowing up the Japanese Twittersphere. An idol? Getting married? While still in the group? Talk about absolute madness!

I’m personally of the opinion that there’s no true right or wrong way to deal with a scandal, but this one really takes the cake in terms of its potential fallout. Sutou Ririka really made one hell of a gamble last night. #20 UG position be damned; she had bigger things to worry about. Bunshun was loaded and ready to fire, but no way was she going to let them pull the trigger. Before the S-bomb could even be dropped, she detonated it prematurely, going nuclear with a shock announcement during her speech that threw the audience of members into absolute chaos. Admittedly, she left us more questions than answers, with a chain reaction across the group that left members, staff and fans bewildered, and even a few visibly pissed off seniors. No doubt NMB48 is currently locked-down in full damage control mode right now. We’re expecting a press conference within the next 24 to 48 hours to fully explain the situation, but until then, someone needs to go and prepare the popcorn machine.

3. Flight of the Ibis: The Rise of NGT48

Now for the more macroscopic phenomena. The entry of an entire legion of junior members from Niigata brought with it an interesting break from tradition: NGT48, despite this being only their second Sousenkyo, would end up securing just as many spots as their seniors in NMB48, and even securing a Kami7 position extremely early on in their lifespan.  Their overall rank share sports an impressive improvement of 11.25%, from 1 to 10, taking away positions from all the other sister groups in almost-equal proportions. That aside, though, the rest of the rank shares hold steady from before – AKB48 maintains plurality thanks to new entrants and promising juniors from Team 8 and their team of Kenkyuuseis, while both SKE48 and NMB48 focused their efforts more on pushing their existing rank-ins into higher positions across the board.

Back to NGT48, though; A shake-up in their hierarchy may very well be on the cards, considering how differently the management-back pushes performed in comparison to their peers. While Takakura and Nakai managed decent positions in the Undergirls tier, Kato fell way behind, only just managing to hold her position in the Upcoming Girls tier. In comparison, we have Row-2s like Ogino Yuka and Honma Hinata breaking into Senbatsu with vote leads numbering in the tens of thousands. One can’t help but wonder where this will leave the three frontliners in the months ahead.

4. AKB48’s Senbatsu Problem

For AKB48, however, despite securing a majority in overall rank share, their performance at the Senbatsu level leaves something to be desired. With only 4 native members in Senbatsu, being surpassed by SKE48’s 5, this is AKB48’s worst Senbatsu rank share of all time. The exit of several high-profile members from Sousenkyo this year (Kashiwagi, Shimazaki, Muto, Kojima H.) meant that we would be losing a huge share of votes in lieu of pushing in junior members at the lower tiers. Making matters worse, Mukaichi lost a whopping 12,000 votes to crash out into the Undergirls tier; while it’s still a Center position, some might wonder if this is an ominous sign for her career in the near future.

So what does this mean for AKB48? I had foreseen about two to three years ago that this would eventually become an issue sooner or later, so my personal opinion is that AKB48 should just ride it out. Juniors like Mukaichi, Okada, Takahashi J., Kato and Kawamoto have shown promise; they just need time to build up their fanbases to match those of their sister group seniors and peers. Maybe next year we’ll start to see more results on that front, but until then, resources still have to be invested into expanding their respective individual profiles.

5. The Sousenkyo Arms Race: Compressing the Curve

 Black bars denote drops in vote-for-rank, and white bars indicate increases.

With the year-on-year trend of voter swings towards the lower tiers, we see a further definition of pre-existing voting patterns this year. Votes-for-rank at the Next, Future and Upcoming Girls tiers continue to climb steadily, with correspondingly-significant increases in the vote requirements for those tiers. On the other hand, votes-for-rank at the Senbatsu and Undergirls tiers continue to drop significantly, reflective not only of the shift towards voting for junior members, but also the exit of all the big names at the top driving voters away from those tiers.

The overall result is a compression of the curve; it is becoming increasingly difficult to rank in in the first place, but for those who are already in the game, making your way up the ranks is becoming significantly easier given the decreasing vote-for-rank requirements at the higher tiers. Members and fans would do well to take note of this ongoing trend, should they wish to take advantage of it, or at least to be able to plan their voting strategies accordingly.

What now?

So, was this the best Sousenkyo in 48G history, or the worst, or even a little bit of both? You decide. The results seem to point towards a mixed picture: 48G’s juniors are certainly proving their worth and living up to their promises, but one can’t help but be worried at the direction we’re heading, especially when we consider the complicated situation our higher-tier members must face in the year ahead. Things will undoubtedly be difficult for 48G and its leaders. It is up to the members and Management to reassess their chances, and to do what is necessary to weather the storms ahead. The bad weather at Okinawa was merely the start of their problems.

As for me? I think I need a break. Starting tomorrow, 19 June 2017, I am placing this blog on indefinite hiatus. Between the exhausting, hectic work schedule of a house officer, I find that it’s becoming increasingly difficult to do what I usually do on this blog. I’ll come back every few weeks to say hi, maybe make a post or two, and answer any asks that may come my way, but I doubt I’ll be able to put up lengthy essays like this anymore in the near future. No point continuing, since it seems like I’m talking to a wall everytime I do so anyway.

I deeply apologize to all my followers, old and new, (especially the few that joined over the past few days). I will keep this blog online, my ask box will remain open, and every post that I have ever put up will still be searchable via the appropriate tags. I just cannot guarantee that any new posts on this blog will be as in-depth or as content-driven as before.

[thedailyshinthing]

Another Storm over the Orange Ocean

So... This is not the first time Shinhwa Changjo (Shinchang) is having a fight with Shinhwa. I wrote a post regarding Dongwan's drunken rant not long ago, but the way I see it now, some of the fights are not Shinchang vs Shinhwa; it's actually Shinchang vs Shinhwa Company (Shincom). Yes, the way I see it, it is actually fans vs agency, like it usually is in the Kpop industry. It's rarely fans vs artists. It's just that in this case, the artists happen to be in the management of the agency. Hence, the complication.

And to avoid further complications, I'd just like to first clarify [read: disclaim] that I honestly don't know first hand about what's really been happening in the orange fandom, let alone in Shincom. Being a far away, foreign fan who barely knows any Korean has often left me in the dark and made me feel insignificant and left out; but that actually comes with the advantage of being able to retain 2 positions: as a Shinhwa Changjo and as an outside observer (plus, ignorance is bliss, and what you don't know won't hurt you. ^_^). So this entire thing you're reading is basically my personal reflection both as a Shinhwa Changjo and as a general observer, so you might find the point of views to be both biased and objective. What I write in here is purely my own opinion and not representing anyone else's, especially Shinhwa Changjo in general, as I can see that there are disagreements among us, which I think is something normal, natural, and healthy. Having said that, I would still be using 'Shinhwa Changjo/Shinchang/orange fandom/us/we/our' for the purpose of smoothing the flow of my writing and without the intention to make any generalization.

So my take upon the situation is that Shinchangs in general are basically happy that Eric, as a Shinhwa member, even as the leader of the group, is getting married. Based on my limited observation so far, many, if not most or all, non-Korean Shinchangs are totally in support of the marriage. Meanwhile, I heard (that's right, I've never actually seen any authentic statement by any Korean Shinchangs) some K-Shinchangs are against it. On the other hand, it seems that the majority of K-Shinchangs are supportive of the marriage, yet anxious and worried about the future of Shinhwa after the members are married. Some seem to be frustrated with how Shincom is managing, handling, and communicating things; and 'things' here means everything Shinhwa-related, not just regarding Eric's nuptial news. Thus, I believe that the general sentiment for Eric's personal life advancements and pursuit of happiness in the form of marriage is still quite positive.

However, I personally think that the timing for both the marriage and the negative feedback could have been better. And by this, I mean 2 things:

1. I personally do prefer him to get married after the 20th anniversary, and August 1st 2018 would also make a pretty date; but that's just my own emotion-based personal preference, and even as a fan, I have no right to say anything regarding my idol's private life. I heard Eric has personally explained his reasons directly to Shinchangs through his official post in the fandom's fan cafe, but I really think that was unnecessary. He doesn't have to explain himself. He doesn't owe it to anyone to explain his personal decisions regarding his personal life; not even to Shinchang. Even his parents are giving their blessings, who are we to object to it?!?

2. The seemingly negative feedback on Eric's wedding announcement is just the tip of the iceberg. The orange fandom seems to have been frustrated and anxious with Shincom's management style for quite sometime, and that nuptial announcement was just the trigger that set off the anxiety time-bomb. I just wish that the negative feedback could have been held back until after the wedding; but then again, the more invested your feelings are, the stronger your reaction would be; and it is perfectly human to be heartbroken and upset. That being said, acceptance and denial are what differentiate us from being reasonable or delusional fans; and in any case, mean words are simply unnecessary and unacceptable.

Unfortunately, like I've mentioned above, the fact that Eric is the CEO of Shincom makes things complicated. Both Eric and Shinchangs ought to know that they love each other. I have written about how Shinhwa-Shinchang relationship is just like a family. The check and balance really work in this relationship as Shinchangs, Shincom, and Shinhwa members (especially Dongwan) often remind and reprimand each other whenever something is not right. (Hmmm... Come to think of it, I've just realized that my ultimate OTP is actually Shinhwa-Shinchang! LOL!)

I do love both Shinhwa and Shinchang very much. Whenever there's a storm over the orange ocean, it always makes me upset, yet warm inside. The only thing that often makes me uncomfortable is how 'outsiders' would generalize and perceive the orange fandom as being old but immature and rude. Well, we do have to admit that there are some of us who are immature and disrespectful, like the ones who had enabled the sharing of Eric’s message in an online article when he had specifically requested that the message not be shared outside of the fan cafe (although I am grateful to see positive and supportive comments for Eric from the readers of the article).

As old as the orange fandom is, this is our first time experiencing a Shinhwa member’s marriage. Eric, who apparently knows his fans (and the general Kpop industry) very well, seems to have realized this. Being the leader and protector of Shinhwa, he has expected and been ready to take the strongest, hardest, most painful 1st blow. I, and perhaps Eric too, expect that the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th blow that would come along with the other 5 members’ marriages would not be as strong if not completely diminish. (And I sure hope that all 6 of them would eventually be married *glances at Dongwan... Hyesung too* LOL!)

Writing this reflection has brought me to a new, rather unsettling realization. I have just now fully realized how much power fans have and how much Shinhwa and Shincom depend on Shinchang, especially K-Shinchang. Indeed, one of the keys to Shinhwa's longevity is the undying support from Shinchang. A fandom consists of both the idols and the fans, and without one or the other, the fandom would cease to exist. Shinhwa members have already dedicated 20 years of their lives and have made a promise to themselves, to each other and to Shinchang to continue walking along the same road for as long as time allows them to; but they can only do so when Shinchang are walking with them, by their side until the end. This ship can only sail when the take and give from both sides are keeping it balanced. Sadly, the idols often have fewer choices in making personal sacrifices compared to the fans. As individuals, fans can, and often, leave the fandom anytime they feel like it. They can get married anytime they want to, and without having to inform their idols (d'uh! LOL!). Unfortunately for the idols, they would never have such choices without the risk of sinking the ship.

I guess all I'm wishing for is that Shinchangs, especially K-Shinchangs, would stay with Shinhwa and keep walking with them till the end, because an insignificant non-Korean fan like me definitely cannot balance the ship all on my own. T____T I once tweeted that I joined the orange fandom because of Shinhwa and stay in the orange fandom because of Shinchang. Now I've come to realize that Shinhwa members, especially Eric, may feel the same, and probably even stronger than I do. What if the only thing that keeps them going is us, their fans, their precious orange princesses/frying pans/bears? And no, I'm not talking about the money we spend on them, as if Oppas don't have or can't have other sources or means of income; I'm talking about appreciation, love, gratitude, and loyalty. Seriously, do we really have the heart to take that away from them? From Eric? They could have easily let themselves slowly drifted apart to disbandment during the 4-year hiatus, but they didn't. They came back for us. And I wouldn't even have been born as a Shinchang if they didn't return; but they did, and here I am.

Anyway, as after every storm, all of us can learn something. No matter how old a fandom is, there’s always something new to learn and some room to grow. After this, the Shinchangs who stay are the ones who are already mature or would definitely grow to be more mature. So I still have an unwavering faith in Shinhwa, and one can not do so without having the same unwavering faith in Shinchang. For 19 years, Shinhwa and Shinchang have been growing, learning, and weathering many a storm together, and this is just one of the many more (at least 5 more) to come. Shinhwa and Shinchang are family. We fight all the time, which gets us talking, and eventually be honest with each other and ourselves, as well as see and acknowledge the truth, no matter how ugly and painful it is. But in the end, we always resolve our differences, as we could see each other’s points. So after all the drama, we’d be able to move on again as one, for Shinchang exists only because of Shinhwa, and Shinhwa won’t last without Shinchang.

Having said that, I really think that we sometimes take fangirling (and fanboying) too seriously, which Dongwan had apparently observed and keeps reminding us about it. No matter how much we love our idols, we should never invest too much feelings, time, energy, and money in them (although the last bit is very difficult with Shinhwa, as we know that they need the money and their products are always so expensive yet very tempting! =_=').

Well, speaking of "Shinhwa is not responsible for your life", I really need to stop writing and get back to dealing with my own shits. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. If you didn't, thanks for your time anyway. ^_^

[ask-veigar]

Indefinite Hiatus

[[ If it wasn’t already obvious.

Back in September/October of 2013 I made tiny-master-of-evil, which would later evolve into this blog. A few months prior to that, I tried to commit suicide around my 18th birthday. After gaining some confidence, I felt surrounded by friends and a sense of purpose, something I was severely lacking at that time. I owe my art and my friends my life, practically.

Even in and out of hospital, I tried to make everyone embracing the weird and wonderful characters of a free to play game welcome. I doubt anyone is left to remember but, for a long time I used to cap my ask limit sending prompts to people - ooc, ic, headcanon prompts etc.) After a while I ran out of steam, paranoia gripping me that people were using me, which after a massive fall out with another RP community/set of friends which had kept me around for my use rather than for me.

A circle of friends and I made silly little adventures with our muses. Named, we eventually caught discourse in timely online community fashion. Petty jealously and harassment soon soured the “Yordle Jet Plane” and severed our friendship. No one is allowed to have their own thing without copycats and jealously, apparently.

I bounced back okay after that, but after pointing out an issue that concerned me as an artist had me called out for a fairly neutral stance. Apparently my escapades live on as ‘funny community drama things’. I was stalked and harassed, sent death threats. I forged new friendships during this time but I feel like the community has tainted its perception on me since. I don’t care what you think of me from (if you remember) that series of events, people make mistakes. At least I have never made the mistake of being an asshole on anon. Or making a call out post to say call out posts are bad. Or dragging people who weren’t involved in X thing. Seriously some of you people in the community can choke for all I care for some of the BS you’ve pulled.

My style for drawing Veigar fluctuated as I started taking art in general more seriously. When harassment for one thing subsided, my art was attacked directly. I like to think I’m good at handling critique but not the bull shit I was sent. I hope the people who sent me messages about my ‘dog in a trenchcoat’ are happy, you eventually broke me. You were the last thing to shatter a fractured mess. You know tumblr thinks it does a great job of being ‘socially just’ but in the end if someone doesn’t do X how you want Y, it’s harassment worthy.

I just wanted to draw a silly mage cat but people will always find a way to make you feel bad for having fun. From telling me my ship is “pedophilia” (seriously?? two consenting adults wowee problematic) to straight up telling me I should draw X or Y instead. I’ve always felt that a chunk of people didn’t like how I draw/draw yordles but it’s nice to know now for sure. That’s on top of waves of ‘uwu why are art blogs more popular’ on a social media site built for image share. And that time I was accused of not being able to write? Wild.

Moving my blog probably wasn’t the best idea, sure. There were plenty of good times too. I’ve met my closest friends through this site, hell, even my boyfriend was part of this mess. But I cannot run an art blog that relies on user feedback to drive its output when I get nothing. I wasn’t expecting a lot, but I did not expect nothing. Turning off anon removes negative and positive feedback alike.

Even with a Veigar-centric comic written and drafted I cannot bring myself to it right now. Maybe it’s this site in general going from dangerous waters to an acidic bathtub. Maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s the lore changes that dump months and years of headcanons down the drain. Maybe it’s the fact I don’t play LoL anymore. Who knows.

Art, comics, animation are my passion, always have been. I will still draw my favourite magical midgets, my dear deathcaps. I just don’t think I can draw for this blog, not until I figure something out with my Lulu. @ask-lulu has the patience of a saint. I owe Color so much and look at all the promises I’ve failed to deliver on.

To my friends, and/or people who enjoy my work, I am sorry. I can’t do this right now. I can’t deal with this hell site, let alone a RP community on said site that stems from a toxic af online community/game. I suffer a lot of grief in real life and now online. My thanks to the people who have supported me over the years, thank you. This is not good bye. This is a new chapter embracing what matters to me most, and my health takes priority over a past-its-use-by-date character blog.

May your Q aim never dull my friends.

[ I still post my art regularly on my deviantART / tumblr and I frequent my Twitter for 140 character rants too. ]

- Lyci