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flowerandblood · 1 year ago

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Don't make me laugh (Oneshot)

Brother, Lover, Son Alternative Universe

[ Aemond • Targaryen x Baratheon! • fem!reader ]

[ description: Aemond doesn't consider Borros Baratheon's eldest son or youngest daughter to be his friends, much less his adoptive siblings, yet somehow, whenever something happens, they torment him first. As if they couldn't leave him alone. Comedy and short scenes from Aemond's quiet life in Storm's End with Royce and Lady Baratheon. ]

[ warnings: none, maybe some angst + just cringe and giggling + Aemond being horny for his girl, I put reaction gifs with captions for each of the characters between the scenes just for your fun ]

This oneshot is an alternate reality from The Impossible Choice Series where, according to Aemond’s words in Chapter 49, he is sent to Storm’s End by his father when he is still just a child. It shows what would happen and how it would affect Aemond and Lady Baratheon, what his relationship with Borros, Royce and her other sisters would be like. This chapter stands apart from the main story and is a big, long “what if”.

Brother, Lover, Son AU Masterlist

My other works: Main Masterlist

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"Let's see how well you know me, little sister." Royce muttered, his younger sister shifting next to him in her chair, curious. Royce loved card games. Usually when Aemond was bored and just didn't feel like reading he would join them.

They would meet in Royce's commons, because it was the safest space where no one disturbed them.

Usually he didn't have to take part in the games themselves, he could just be an observer and commentator. This suited him because he didn't risk humiliation and didn't feel he was socialising with them.

Royce split the cards half between himself and his youngest sister and explained that they would be answering each other's questions written on the pieces of paper which were to test their knowledge of each other.

Aemond was nominated as the person to write down the results on the sheet and he accepted this role without much objection.

Royce pulled out the first card and grunted, leaning comfortably against the back of his chair, his sister plucked one grape and put it quickly in her mouth, their figures illuminated by the warm light of the fire burning beside them in the fireplace.

They agreed that whoever answered correctly first six questions would win.

"What's my favourite colour?" He asked, and she made big eyes and swallowed loudly what she had just eaten.

"…do you have a favourite colour? You don't even know it yourself!" She said frustrated seeing his confusion, he scratched his chin thoughtfully.

"You don't have a favourite colour." She said with confidence, taking another grape into her mouth with a loud crunch.

Royce nodded at him that, in fact, that was probably the real answer, so he drew a single line next to her name.

This time it was she who took the card in her hand and swallowed loudly before beginning to read.

"What do I like to do most in my free time?" She read raising an eyebrow, looking at him with amusement.

"To annoy me. Next. You can write down a point for me." Said Royce pointing with his chin to his card. He smirked and drew a line next to his name.

"What, no, stop it, it's not fair!" She squealed heartbroken, lowering her hands in disapproval, he and Royce tried not to laugh.

"Be quiet. What time do I get up?" He asked lowly, and she snarled.

"Much too late. Next." She said with a smile of satisfaction, reaching for another card, Aemond nodded his head acknowledging that she was right and drew a line next to her name.

"Cross it out, it's not true! You two are hopeless. Well, never mind." He waved his hand acknowledging that he didn't have the strength to argue seeing their faces full of mockery.

"My favourite word or phrase." She read out loud and he mused, scratching his chin.

"Don't tell my father." He said and they both burst into laughter, looking at each other with amusement, she pressed her lips together and furrowed her brow, sighing heavily.

"You two are awful." She mumbled, offended.

"Yes, yes, very awful. Next. Are you writing this down or not?" He scolded him, and he reminded himself that he was supposed to be writing down the results, too involved in their exchange of words.

Royce sighed heavily, looking at the next card.

"What do I dislike most?"

His sister looked at him uncertainly and pressed her lips together, clearly having no idea herself what the answer to that question might be.

"Difficult words." She finally said with a mischievous grin on her face and giggled. Royce looked at him, shaking his head in disbelief.

"Did you hear that? She's insolent. Have you ever met such an ill-mannered young lady?" He asked with a sneer, Aemond shook his head, sighing, expressing his disapproval.

"No. I'm shocked to discover it myself."

______

Royce:

Lady Baratheon:

Aemond:

_____

Knock knock.

He opened his eyes wondering what was going on and if he had misheard, night all around him. He figured it was just a dream, but flinched when someone knocked on his chamber door again.

"Brother. It's me. Please open." He heard her whisper and sighed heavily, thinking about what she wanted from him at this hour. He stood up and put his trousers on quickly, tucking his chemise into them and opened the door, looking at her with displeasure.

"Couldn't it have waited until morning?" He said lowly, impatiently, pretending he felt nothing at the sight of her in just her nightgown.

"It's about Royce. Quickly!"

They both stood in front of her brother, lying on the floor in the middle of the circular throne-like hall, babbling to himself, completely drunk, Aemond had never seen him like this before.

"What happened to him?" He asked quietly, crouching beside him, grabbing his arm, but he pulled away, mumbling something, curling up, apparently wanting to fall asleep in this place and position.

"He babbled something to the effect that he had just left for a while to go into town and someone must have added something to his wine. He woke up in the middle of a forest road with no money and so it's a miracle he somehow made it back." She whispered terrified and heartbroken. He sighed heavily, running his hand over his face.

"We have to get him out of here, father can't find out. I can't carry him alone!"

So they both made an attempt to drag his numb body up the stone stairs, putting his arms around their necks and embracing him, but his body seemed terribly heavy, his sudden, loud mumbling echoing throughout the fortress.

"Shut the fuck up! Imbecile." He growled low and she pressed her lips together, terrified, looking around and apparently praying in spirit that no one would hear them.

Somehow they managed to drag him into his chamber and throw him onto his bed, both of them panting loudly, all hot and sweaty.

Royce flopped onto his stomach and mumbled "I'm about to throw up" before flooding the entirety of his bedding with the contents of his stomach.

____

Royce:

Lady Baratheon:

Aemond:

_____

"I am organising another hunt in two days' time. It's supposed to be beautiful weather, but it won't last long, a maximum of three days, beautiful stags have been seen near our forests recently, I'm told." Said Lord Borros between one bite of roast and the other, he, his youngest daughter and Royce only nodded, accepting his words with calmness, knowing that, as always, he would want to take them with him.

"I want to go too, Father!" Floris called out, he and Royce exchanging knowing, apprehensive glances between them.

"Then so do I." Said Cassandra, and he sighed heavily, taking a sip of wine from his cup, already knowing that he would be dying on this trip.

Since Cassandra and Floris were going to travel, Maris and Ellyn couldn't be worse, so they rode in the large carriages behind their horses, not yet knowing what awaited them.

"I feel sorry for you. You're not likely to get any rest." Said Royce, and he only threw him a cold, discouraged look that said it all.

"My prince, I think my necklace has unfastened. Would you please take a look at it?" Floris asked walking up to him as he sat with Royce under one of the trees, drinking wine from the clusters. She crouched with her back to him, exposing her neck.

He looked away from her, staring ahead and took a deep sip again, weary.

"No."

Floris threw him a hurt, discouraged look and stood up, walking away with a quick step, offended.

"You don't have the soul of a romantic, brother." Royce sighed disapprovingly, taking another sip of wine.

"You don't say." He growled, glancing at the entire group of women standing by the carriages, waiting for the tents to be set up. "This is a fucking nightmare."

Their youngest sister ran up to them, already changed into her hunting attire, crouching beside them.

"What are you talking about?" She asked lightly, and Royce patted him on the shoulder looking into her eyes.

"Our brother is going to die today. Or he's going to kill someone. He hasn't decided yet."

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Royce:

Lady Baratheon:

Aemond:

_____

"I said already, no."

"Please, I beg you, just this once!" She mumbled, looking up at him with those big eyes, and he looked down at her impassively.

"No."

"Please, I'll pay you, I'll be your servant, please!" She whimpered running after him as he moved ahead down the corridor again, unwilling to let him alone, insisting he say something in Old Valryia's language.

He stopped, hearing her suggestion.

"You will bring me breakfast for a week, bowing and titling me properly." He said with a glint in his eye, and she pressed her lips together and swallowed loudly at her humiliation.

"Very well." She said softly and he furrowed his brow.

"Very well, what?" He asked impatiently, and she squirmed under her breath, unhappy, not liking to address him like that, driving him mad, calling him her brother all the time.

"Very well, my prince." She mumbled, and he smirked, looking at her with superiority.

"Ossēninna ao mēre tubis lo gaomā keligon jenigon nyke daor. (I will kill you one day if you don't stop annoying me)." He said lowly, and she blinked, tightening her lips, a blush of embarrassment on her cheeks.

"You just insulted me, didn't you?"

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Lady Baratheon:

Aemond:

_____

"Where did you learn to shoot a bow so well, my lady?" Asked Erryk Selmy, the younger son of Lord Selmy, a vassal of the Baratheon family, who had travel with him to Storm's End so that his father and Lord Borros could come to an agreement over some woodland to which another lord was also claiming.

Royce and Aemond noticed that Erric had found a great liking for their younger sister and was constantly following her, and by the fact that she followed them everywhere, they were condemned to his presence.

"My father taught me." She replied lightly, not seeing his solicitations and efforts as an attempt at flirtation, thinking he was just curious. "And you, do you only practice hand-to-hand combat or do you also shoot with a bow?"

She asked, looking back at him, the young Lord Selmy straightened up, clearly wanting to grow in her eyes, and grunted quietly.

"I shoot a bow, but not as well as you, my lady." He said warmly, and she blushed in embarrassment, not expecting such words, lowering her gaze.

Aemond rolled his eyes, turning back, unable to look at it.

"I'm gonna throw up." He grunted to Royce, and he chuckled low, scratching his chin.

"The boy's in love. What can you do. It must be those big eyes of hers." He said amused. He pressed his lips together impatiently and snorted.

"Lord Erric, wouldn't you like to face me? It's a shame to waste such an opportunity." He said with a smile that did not reach his eye as he walked over to the table on which all sorts of weapons were lined.

He reached for his favourite sword, light and handy, and turned it easily several times in his hand, glancing at the boy's terrified face.

He was shorter and certainly more inexperienced, looking at him with big eyes.

The youngest daughter of Lord Borros looked at him, frowning her eyebrows, her lips uttered silently the words he understood perfectly.

'Don't you dare.'

He grinned even wider, stepping closer to them.

"Come, do not be afraid. I won't hurt you." He said with amusement, a wide grin on his lips.

Lord Selmy approached the table with an uncertain step, swallowing loudly, not knowing what to do, Lady Baratheon looked at him furiously, gestured with her finger to the ground, her lips conveyed another message to him.

'Stop it.'

He smiled sweetly at her, leaning on the hilt of his sword as if it was the happiest day of his life.

He watched her lips form words again, her hands clenched into fists.

'I will kill you.'

_____

Royce:

Lady Baratheon:

Aemond:

_____

"I understand that since I'm here, we're going to walk into town at night to have some good beer." Said Royce, patting him on the shoulder, on the exact same evening he, his betrothed and their family arrived in King's Landing to be with them at their upcoming nuptials.

"What?" He asked in disbelief, his betrothed hopping up in her chair, grabbing his arm with her hand.

"Yes, please! Do you remember the time we slipped out of Storm's End and got lost in the woods?" She asked amused, Royce laughed out loud at her memory, and he pressed his lips together.

"Unfortunately yes." He muttered lowly, turning his head away impatiently. "I don't know if that's a good idea."

Royce sighed heavily and rolled his eyes.

"Gods, why do you always have to whine so much? After all, if the three of us go out, at night, disguised, what's going to happen to us? I mean, surely we're not going out to do anything wrong? Yes or no?" He asked reaching out his hand in front of him, he felt his future wife's hand tighten on his.

"Please. Please, let's go as a threesome, there's no telling if we'll ever have this opportunity again." She said pleadingly, lifting his hand and placing a warm kiss on it.

He looked at her out of the corner of his eye and swallowed hard, struggling with himself not to throw himself at her not caring anymore that Royce was with them, he hadn't seen her in a week and was dying of desire.

He sighed heavily, tightening his lips.

"So be it."

He instructed them where to wait for him and they met at night in one of the underground passages he had found as a child, all three of them wearing long cloaks with hoods on their heads. He grasped his betrothed's hand and instructed her not to let him go for a moment, which she did eagerly, entwining their fingers.

He felt butterflies in his stomach and wondered if they left Royce for a while so he could fuck her in some dark side street would anything bad happen.

However, he decided that he couldn't be so irresponsible, after all, someone might see them.

They circled around the town simply looking around, with crowds of people all around them and lit bonfires, theatrical performances as well as food and drink stalls. Royce drank his longed-for beer, but said it wasn't as tasty as he had hoped and preferred wine.

At this point, Aemond was already starting to become slowly concerned that someone would notice their disappearance after all, and insisted that they had already returned to the keep, feeling that he was now responsible for them.

On their way back, Royce almost fell over some man lying on the ground who, at his kick, flopped to the side, his hood falling off his head, revealing his white hair.

"Oh fuck. Isn't that your brother?" Royce asked simultaneously horrified and amused, his betrothed looking at him concerned.

"Shall we help him?" She asked quietly, stroking the skin of his hand with her thumb.

"No." He muttered, turning away, dragging her behind him. "Let him lie there."

______

Royce:

Lady Baratheon:

Aemond:

_____

Okay, I had a blast writing this and I love that I was able to curate all the gifs for them from Michael Scott from The Office!! It was hilarious!!! I hope it will make you smile at least a little bit, we need it in the fandom, and I encourage you to read this series, because I love it and it's probably one of my favorites that I've written. 💐💐💐

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Aemond Taglist:

(bold means I couldn't tag you)

@its-actually-minicika @notnormalthings-blog @nikstrange @zenka69 @bellaisasleep @k-y-r-a-1 @g-cf2020 @melsunshine @opheliaas-stuff @chainsawsangel @iiamthehybrid @tinykryptonitewerewolf @namoreno @malfoytargaryen @qyburnsghost @aemondsdelight @persephonerinyes @fan-goddess @sweethoneyblossom1 @watercolorskyy

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targaryenrealnessdarling · 2 years ago

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Absolutely no-one asked for this, but me and @ewanmitchellcrumbs have very strong feelings on what different EM characters would have as their fish and chips orders.

pov: me writing this fr

this is a full stupid ass shit post, it’s not serious guys, and unless I post something about it it won’t leave my brain

So without further ado, EM FISH AND CHIPS

First in the ring, the man who STARTED IT ALL, THIS LITTLE SHIT

Salad Days - Will What’s-His-Face

It’s canon that Will gets chips and a fanta, that’s it. 0 nutritional value. Also 10/10 on choice of chippy, it’s actually a really good chippy

HOTD

pov: aemond avoiding the grease

Aemond is not particular to a chippy dinner, insisting he doesn’t want anything bc it’s ‘too greasy’ (pussy). Aegon absolutely tears him apart for it. Just buys a San Pellegrino cos he thinks it’s fancy - absolutely fuming cos Aegon shakes it up on the way home and it fizzes everywhere when he opens it

If Aegon hasn’t been drinking, bog standard boring ass fish and chips with half of a bottle of ketchup slathered over his chips so nobody else nicks them. Won’t go near mushy peas, thinks they’re gross af. If he’s drunk, a doner kebab, but the local chippy doesn’t sell them so he gets Alicent to drive 15mins up the road to the one that does. A diva through and through.

Helaena doesn’t eat fish, so opts for just chips and is the only patron who actually buys the picked onions. Has mushy peas and curry sauce and mixes it together with her chips, mostly does it to annoy Aegon tho.

Daeron is waiting at home, but everyone forgot to get him something so ends up with the crap, lukewarm chips left behind.

Alicent is a scampi girlie all the way, with a diet coke

Otto is put off by the food hygiene rating at the local chippy, so takes his own fish to get battered like a weirdo. Decimates his chips with a litre of vinegar.

Daemon never gets to eat a chippy dinner, so he gets a pie as a side dish, despite Rhaenyra claiming it’s not a side dish. But Daemon stands by that it most definitely is. It’s a gash steak and kidney pie and refuses to use any cutlery for any of it.

Rhaenyra is also a scampi girlie, but unlike Alicent, has G&T out of a can.

World on Fire - Tom Bennett

Now THIS BITCH.

Ok.

Strong feelings but, Tom is a Northerner yeah. So he is a full gravy bitch. Loves that shit. Would bathe in it if he could. Has dry ass fish, unseasoned chips cos he’s boring af.

TLK - Osferth

*sigh* Osferth. Angel. Baby boy.

Osferth orders a battered sausage, but gets given a battered Mars Bar by mistake. He doesn’t like confrontation so he pretends like that’s what he ordered anyway, but he’s secretly devastated and tries not to gag when he eats it.

Uhtred can have the kebab that gives him food poisoning, shitting for days, idec, if face annoys me

High Life - Ettore

Ok this guy is weird. SO he’s gotta have a weird choice.

Ettore has the saveloy because he enjoys the innuendo. Stares at it on his plate for an uncomfortably long time, making sinister eye contract with everyone while he eats it.

Trigger Point - Billy Washington

Ooft. THIS sad boy.

Billy gets a chicken and mushroom pie. Yes from a FISH AND CHIPS SHOP. But the Food Safety rating of his local is like a 3, so the pie has been sat under the heatlamps for HOURS, so it’s all grey, sad and soggy. But he eats it anyway.

To tie it off, I imagine Ewan Mitchell as 100% a battered sausage guy. He has gravy (cos midlands boi, we love). Won’t touch mushy peas with a barge pole and perhaps partial to a chip cob. Carbs on carbs, we stan.

Thanks for reading this absolute trash.

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