#hornets like. a young adult at most (in my eyes)

[jupiterswasphouse]

WASP REVIEW - BEEDRILL (POKÉMON)

[Image ID: The official artwork for Beedrill, a Pokémon from the first generation of the Pokémon franchise /End ID.]

Now, if you're just stumbling upon this post you may be a bit confused or up in arms here. "Beedrill clearly isn't a wasp, it's a bee!", and that's an entirely fair assessment, it's in the name afterall! However, as returning readers may recall from last week, while they are generally described separately in conversation, from an entirely taxonomical perspective, bees are wasps themselves, having evolved from predatory wasps and being a sister lineage to the wasp family ammoplanidae.

Furthermore, in my opinion, with the seemingly slick surface layer of its presumably chitinous exoskeleton, Beedrill closer resembles a paper wasp rather than the more expected honey bee, having little to no setae/fur to speak of (most if not all wasps, including paper wasps, do have setae themselves, but only in a few families of wasps, such as Mutillidae or the bee families, are these easily visible to the naked eye).

[Image Source: Wikimedia Commons, L. Shyamal and CABI Digital Library, Muséum De Toulouse | Image IDs: A photo of the yellow, black, and brown paper wasp species Polistes olivaceus collecting wood to form its nest, followed by a photo of another, similarly colored species, Polistes dominula, with its wings outstretched /End IDs.]

This idea is strengthened by the Pokédex entry from Pokémon Crystal, which states that Beedrills will hunt down prey to bring it back to the nest, a behavior similar to that of Vespid wasps, only somewhat paralleled in eusocial bees by Vulture Bees, three species in the genus Trigona (But even then, they don't hunt prey down, they collect flesh from already dead carcasses, hence the comparison to vultures).

That, however, brings us to a very important question, that being, they bring it back to the nest for what, exactly? I can only assume that this is a type of food store for the fully evolved adult Beedrills, something that is not actually true at all for the real world Vespids. Many adult wasps are incapable of feeding on solid matter without it being liquified, so the paper wasps (as well as yellowjackets and hornets) carry their prey back to the nest to feed those of them that can actually eat it, their larvae.

This is where the Beedrill line gets particularly unusual and interesting. As you might recall if you know anything about Gen 1 of Pokémon, Beedrill evolves from Kakuna, which, in turn, evolves from Weedle.

[Image IDs: The official artwork for Weedle and Kakuna, two Pokémon from the first generation of the Pokémon franchise /End IDs.]

While the cells of a wasp nest are typically used to house the larvae, larvae of Beedrills, the Pokémon Weedle, are free roaming creatures, only becoming eusocial in the final stage of evolution, often found among plants, feeding on leaves (Not on the meat). Although Beedrills still appear rather defensive of their young, they can move around entirely on their own! This may be another thing that confuses Pokémon fans that are unfamiliar with Hymenoptera, as the free roaming and leaf eating form of Weedle sounds an awful lot like a caterpillar, especially with the addition of the tree hanging cocoon Pokémon, Kakuna. However, this perfectly aligns with some of the Hymenopteran ancestors of the modern day wasps, sawflies!

[Image Sources: ResearchGate sources One and Two, Bao-Zhen Hua | Image IDs: A collage of photos displaying multiple instances of the larva of the Sawfly species Arge pagana feeding on leaves, followed by another displaying the same species as prepupae on the top and pupae on the bottom /End IDs.]

Even in Kakuna sometimes being known to attach itself to trees using silk or a silk like material is true of sawflies, with many Hymenopterans (including the aforementioned sawflies, paper wasps, and honey bees) being capable of producing this material in their larval stage to create cocoons or reinforce their nest cells during their subsequent pupation.

As you might realize, as well, both Weedle and Kakuna, as well as Beedrills, regardless of sex, possess stingers (not visible in Kakuna, but stated in multiple Pokédex entries including Yellow, Gold, and Let's Go, although contradicted in Red/Blue and X/Y), this is untrue of sawflies in general as well as any young wasps or male wasps. The stinger is a modified ovipositor, a reproductive organ, and is specific to the suborder Apocrita.

I'm going to have to let this slide, among other things, though, as these three Pokémon are clearly, like all Pokémon, are highly fantastical in nature and not necessarily going for realism. I mean, Beedrills are not only missing a middle pair of legs but also have an extra two stingers on the end of their forelimbs (four, on both pairs, in the case of Mega Beedrill)!

It is also implied in a few instances that Beedrills produce honey, which is not only the case in the most famous honey producing insects, the honey bees, but is a trait that is surprisingly also found, to varying degrees, in some Vespid wasps, notably including Brachygastra mellifica and Polistes annularis!

All in all, Beedrill has fascinating inspiration/real world equivalents and a cool design, but can also be confusing in a few ways to entomologically analyze.

-

Overall: 6/10

-

This wasp was suggested by @shadybug , leave your wasp review suggestion in the replies, tags, or askbox!

[hornetposting]

Hornet x Quirrel shippers really be like "But Lace tried to kill Hornet" and skip over the fact Hornet tried to fight Quirrel (most likely killing him had he not had monomons seal) in the comics 🤔 (Not saying all hornet x quirrel fans are like this, a few I know have said this)

I dont think hornet wouldve actually killed him but she CERTAINLY didnt want him to stay there. Theres also just honestly 0 chemistry between them like they really think theyd fit personality-wise?

[ppersonna]

my only wish - knj | m

“ santa can you hear me? i have been so good this year. and all i want is one thing. please tell me my true love is here ” - my only wish (this year), britney spears

✹ summary- There are few things you hate most in this world. Hornets, unnecessary fruit pieces in otherwise perfectly good jello, certain shades of orange… But nothing takes the cake more than two simple things. Christmas. And Kim Namjoon. So why did you agree to pretend to be Kim Namjoon’s girlfriend at his family Christmas party? Bah-Humbug.

✹ rating- explicit/18+/nsfw

✹ pairing- kim namjoon x reader

✹ word count- 15.1k OOF

✹ genre- smut, fluff, tiny tiny angst if you squint, enemies to lovers, fake dating au, idiots to lovers, brief mention of YoonMin

✹ warnings- penetrative sex, unprotected sex (dont do it), daddy kink lolol, namjoon has a big dick, oral sex (m/f receiving), cum swallowing, light cum play, dirty talk, light degradation (very light tbh), praise kink, lots of mentions of joon being a beefy boy, masturbation,

✹ a/n- its here!! finally! my contribution to rockin around the christmas tropes. big big big shout out to @ladyartemesia​ @xjoonchildx​ @untaemedqueen​ @underthejoon​ @yeojaa​ @snackhobi​ for being my co collaborators. and a warm shout out to @wwilloww​ and @hobi-gif​ for being some very lovely betas. thank you thank you! i hope you enjoy!

There are few things you hate most in this world. 

 Hornets, unnecessary fruit pieces in otherwise perfectly good jello, certain shades of orange…

 But nothing takes the cake more than two simple things: 

 Christmas. 

 And Kim Namjoon. 

Christmas, in your opinion, is nothing more than a consumerist holiday, anchored on ensuring you’re guilted enough from November 1st to the 25th of December to spend your hard earned money on shit your friends and loved ones won’t even use. It’s a time for people to pretend they love giving and caring, while shoving you out of lines in stores, buying up all the groceries as if it’s the end times, and forcing party after mindless party for “celebration” that ends in seeing your boss drunk and pants-less by the punchbowl. 

 And don’t even start on Kim Namjoon. 

 On paper, he’s your colleague, to put the terms friendly. In reality, he’s your opponent, your adversary. He’s annoying, rude, stuck up, and not to mention a douchebag heartbreaker. He’s everything you hate wrapped in one disgustingly handsome face. 

 The man never misses a chance to steal a case from underneath your nose, rub the praise he receives from your bosses in your face, and look ridiculously delectable in his tight suits that he insists he wears around the office. He absolutely infuriates you. 

 And now, as you sit in the company-wide meeting, your heart sinks as you realize the worst thing about Namjoon—he’s about to get the promotion you’ve been vying for your entire career.

 That position was as good as yours—at least, you had thought.

 That was until lead counsel, Seokjin, stands in front of all the attorneys present and calls out Namjoon’s name, commending him on winning his latest case—the case that you had done the bulk of the work for. Seokjin even tells the rest of the lawyers in the room that Namjoon is “someone to watch” with a glint of pride in his eyes. 

 The smug smile Namjoon sends in your direction as he teasingly nibbles on a pen with his sultry mouth is enough to make you want to tear his eyes out and use them as olives in the martini you sorely needed.

 Namjoon smirks as he walks past you once the meeting ends.

 “Make sure you watch me, baby,” he whispers into your ear. 

 His hand rests on your lower back and you hate how much he aggravates you, and hate even more so that he frustrates you sexually as much as he does intellectually.

 Unfortunately, your body can’t keep up with your mind’s distaste for the elder lawyer. His presence around you makes your blood vessels tighten and your head feel light—nipples prickling against your bra when he winks at you.

 “Asshole,” you whisper under your breath as you pack up your notebook.

 “Oh, ___!” Seokjin calls out just as you’re about to leave the all-glass meeting room.

 Your head suddenly screeches to a very frustrated, sexual halt when you turn to face the lead counsel of your company.

 “Yes, Mr. Kim?”

 “I’ve got a case for you.”

 The smile on his face makes you relax. Maybe he sees your potential. Maybe he’s testing you just as much as he’s testing Namjoon. Maybe you’ll be the “one to watch” and you can rub that right in Namjoon’s perfect, stunning face.

 A thick manila folder slides across the oak table towards you from Seokjin’s hands. The impressive volume of the dossier makes you giddy with anticipation.

 “I know you won’t let me down.”

 You nod, nibbling at your lips, before bowing to your superior and dashing out of the room as fast as your Louboutins can handle.

 It’s not until you sit at your desk, a cramped little cubicle next to Park Jimin, your best friend and paralegal assistant, that you open the folder.

 Your heart sinks as your eyes hurriedly rush over the title page.

 Personal Injury Suit.

 A dejected sigh leaves you as you throw the folder onto your desk and slouch back in your ergonomic office chair.

 “What’s up, pussycat?” Jimin smiles as he rolls his chair over to your side of the cubicle. “Namjoon got you worked up again?”

 You groan as you take off your reading glasses, setting them aside to rub at the burgeoning headache building at your temples. You had momentarily forgotten all about Namjoon in the hurried hope that you’d land a case of significance, something you could finally use to prove yourself.

 Instead, you gained yet another in-and-out, settle outside of court case. Likely some elderly geriatric suing a corporation for too-slippery floors.

 “Another fucking personal injury suit,” you whine as you thrust the folder into the lithe paralegal’s hands.

 He looks over the documents and sucks his teeth.

 “Man, Seokjin really has it out for you.”

 You level a look at your best friend, before nodding and holding your head in your hands.

 “Namjoon is getting all the good cases! He gets the media attention, the litigation deals, everything! It’s like I’m not even given a chance to show what kind of lawyer I can be when I’m stuck with all the nursing home and car accident suits!”

 Jimin bows dutifully, nodding his head as you express your woes.

 “I can do more than just personal injury litigation… and Seokjin knows that! It’s just that Namjoon keeps getting all the air-time!”

 “I know, babe. I know.”

 With one last sigh of disbelief, you take the folder out of Jimin’s hands and sit upright at your desk.

 “Well, I guess if I’m going to be a personal injury lawyer, I’m going to be the best fucking one yet. Let’s get to work.”

 “Yeah! Fighting!” Jimin cheers.

  Namjoon sighs as he listens to his mother blabber on and on through his phone. He leans back in his chair and surveys the wide expanse of his corner office.

 Seokjin gave him this space, an upgrade from the desolate cubicles when he won his last big case, Kim Taehyung, artist v. the city of New York. He can’t help but smirk as he glimpses you from his window, pouring over a case file. He notes the curve of your back in the silk blouse you’re wearing and the way it tucks into your pencil skirt. He wishes he could see the outline of your ass and watch as it sways back and forth when you walk.

 “I just don’t understand why you can’t ever bring anyone home for the holidays!”

 His mother breaks him from his silent reverie of detailing every aspect of your backside.

 “You know your grandmother will not be alive much longer! And all she wants is her only grandson to be happy and in love! And a few grandchildren won’t hurt!”

 “I am her grandchild, Mom.”

 She’s silent for a moment.

 “Well, I wouldn’t mind some grandchildren either.”

 He groans again and presses his fingers to his forehead, a headache bubbling up behind his eyes.

 “Don’t you act like that, young man! You have a big empty house, big car, big life, and no one to share it with. I just want you to be happy.”

 She continues on and Namjoon can’t help but let her words sink in.

 He has it all. Expensive luxury apartment, enormous bed, gorgeous kitchen, money to spend on traveling and enjoying life. Yet he spends most of his time here, stuck in his office. He’s utterly alone, regardless of how many social guests he tries to entertain, horrid dates he attempts to go on. He’s always left alone, and he feels it deep at the very bottom of his heart—the loneliness and desire for a companion.

 “Mom! Mom!” He interrupts her diatribe on the futility of his adult life. “Stop!”

 “Namjoon, I’m just conce-”

 “I’ll bring home my girlfriend for the holidays, okay?”

There’s a stunned silence on the other end.

 “A girlfriend?” she asks, tentatively. “Really?”

 “Yeah,” he breathes, wincing already at the lie he’s spoon-feeding his poor mother—all in the name of getting her off his back. “She’s kind of shy, so I didn’t want to tell you about her yet, but now seems like the best time. I’m... I’m even thinking of proposing.”

 The words come out of Namjoon’s mouth before he can stop them. His mom bursts into screams of delight, and he can tell she’s running to his beloved grandmother to tell her the news.

 “Oh, Namjoon! This is all we’ve ever wanted for you. I’m so proud of you! I can’t wait to meet her! Oh, goodness, I can’t want to tell your father. Goodbye, son! I’ll see you two soon!”

 She hangs up before Namjoon has a chance to even breathe.

 “Fuck.”

 He drops his phone to his wooden desk and grimaces. 

 How the hell is he going to find a fiance in the next 3 days before the holiday break? 

 There’s Jennie, his ex.

 He thinks about it for a moment, before quickly dismissing it. No, much too clingy and possessive. She’d take it to be real, and he’d be stuck with her.

 His last hookup, Jihoo?

 No, too aloof. His mom would never buy that they were a love-sick couple on the brink of engagement.

 A crash outside his office startles Namjoon, making him stand and exit the large corner suite.

 The commotion is coming from your cubicle, where he can see you’re struggling to use the decrepit computer. The crash must have been from you slamming the keyboard to the desk, causing the individual keys to pop off the board.

 “Shit! Jimin, help me put this keyboard back together!” 

 You shimmy out of your chair and onto your knees, an excellent sight for Namjoon if he wasn’t so concerned about your well-being.

 The paralegal is standing above you, watching as you kneel to gather the pieces of the obliterated keyboard.

 “Oh no, honey. It’s against my personal constitution to be on my knees unless it’s for a handsome man.”

 “God, Jimin, come on.”

 “Hey, it’s not my fault you hulk-smashed the life out of that poor keyboard.”

 Namjoon smirks, turning back into his office and sliding into his desk. He easily opens his MacBook and emails Yoongi in IT, requesting a brand new computer for your desk—no holds barred. He wants the top of the line for you.

 He suddenly has just the person in mind to be his fake fiancée. 

  A brand new, gorgeous computer is at your desk the next day you arrive.  You nearly spill your hot peppermint mocha when you see the sleek machine atop your old plastic desk instead of the broken clunker that was there the day before.

 “What the hell?” You ask Jimin as you set your coffee down gently as if any movement might scare the new computer away. “Did you order this?”

 “I love you, but I would never order you something this nice.” 

 You can’t help but roll your eyes as you sit down to marvel at the modern machinery. At least Jimin is honest.

 “Maybe I’ll call Yoongi and ask him where it came from,” you wonder aloud, hand hovering over your phone.

 “YOONGI?” Jimin screeches, eyes suddenly wide and crazed.

 “Yeah? The IT guy?”

 “I know who Yoongi is, you dumbass! Here, let me call him! I’m your assistant!”

 He scrambles to grab the phone out of your hand.

 “You literally refuse to do anything I ask.”

 Jimin smiles cherubically, completely ignoring your confusion. He’s suddenly the picture of a model employee.

 “Don’t you worry! I’ll be right on it!”

 He hops from your desk with your cell phone gripped tight, and saunters away to a secluded area out of your eyesight.

 “What the fuck is going on today?” You ask out loud, settling into your chair and unloading your bag of files.

 “How's the new computer?”

 The sudden intruder makes you jump, nearly spilling your coffee, yet again.

 “Fuck!” You shriek as you attempt to right yourself and the dangerously hot liquid sloshing in the paper cup. “You scared me!”

 The chuckle that comes from behind you makes your stomach flip. You know that laugh. You could recognize that laugh a hundred miles away, in a hurricane, with headphones on.

 That laugh is the sultry demon himself, Kim Namjoon.

 “I—How did you know about my computer?”

 Namjoon takes a knee, bringing his face to your level in your chair. He’s close to you, so dangerously close. You can smell the Giorgio Armani cologne applied to his pressure points—the heat of his skin warming the scent and mingling with his own subtleties. Your eyes nearly roll back in your head. He smells so comforting—like a home you never knew you were missing until he arrived.  

 “I saw it when I walked in this morning.” 

 He breaks you from your daydreaming of warm, firm hands caressing your body and you’re thrown headfirst back into reality—the reality where you can’t stand the man mere inches from you.

 You push back from where you are and stand, eager to get away from Namjoon’s sudden interest in close proximity. He smirks and rises from his spot, pocketing his hands in his tight cream suit.

 “Care to join me in my office for some coffee?” He asks.

 His office. The one he scored after he won the Kim Taehyung case. The bitter betrayal still lingers in your mouth. 

 For the longest time, you had been equal in every sense; both living in the dingy cubicles with the computers long-destined for retirement. Then, Seokjin awarded him with the corner office, the one with the view of the entire city. You’d never forgiven either of them.

 “I have my own coffee.”

 Namjoon smirks as he eyes your paper cup, clearly a quick grab from the 7-Eleven around the corner.

 “Looks fancy.”

 You purse your lips and clutch your coffee even closer.

 “Please,” he asks again. “I need to talk to you. It’s important.”

 Namjoon’s face loses its snark, and you’re curious about what could cause the man to become so serious.

 “Fine.”

 You motion with your arm towards his office, encouraging him to walk ahead. He smirks again, ah—there’s that smirk, before he turns and heads into the gorgeous corner room.

 He lingers by the door as you enter, waiting until you’ve crossed the threshold to close the door behind you. It surprises you. Something about being in a closed room with Namjoon sets you on edge. You can nearly imagine the man bending you over that fine oak desk, hiking your skirt up and spanking your ass until it’s red.

 “Coffee?” He asks as he moves towards the in-office espresso machine.

 “Are you fucking kidding me? You have a Nespresso in your office?” 

 All desperate and wanton thoughts of Namjoon sliding into you leave once you see the stainless steel contraption in the room's corner. Of course he has a $500 coffee machine in his office. He has everything you want.

 “You like it?” His question is cocky. He already knows the answer.

 “Fuck off.”

 Namjoon grins and turns the machine on, pulling out two mugs while you sip your now lukewarm coffee. It suddenly tastes disgusting.

 “So, what’s the deal, Namjoon?” You ask as he rests against the wall and waits for the coffee to brew. “You said it was important.”

 Namjoon nods, a more reserved look taking the place of his usual cocky grin on his face. His gaze turns down to his shiny dress shoes.

 “I need a favor.”

 “No.” Your answer is quick.

 Namjoon looks up at you in surprise.

 “You haven’t even heard it yet!”

 “Yeah, well…,” you huff. “I’m not interested in helping you.”

 Namjoon leaves his post by his elaborate coffee maker, forgetting about the piping-hot liquid drizzling into white mugs, as he stands in front of you. There’s that fucking cologne again. Why does he have to smell so good?

 “You’ve got to help me. Please.”

 His sudden closeness to you sets your brain off—your steely resolve begins to crumble.

 “Fine, I’ll bite. What is it?”

 His face lights up again. God, he has such a handsome mouth.

 “I need you to pretend to be my girlfriend for my family Christmas party.”

 If you hadn’t had such a good grip on the convenience store cup of coffee, it’d surely drop from your clutch and splatter on the expensive carpet of Namjoon’s office.

 Your eyes widen, and your mouth falls agape.

 “You—You what?!”

 Namjoon sighs and lowers his voice.

 “Look, I…” he struggles. “I told my mom I have a girlfriend, so she’d get off my back about it.”

 “And why am I suddenly your best option for that?!” 

 You step away from the man, determined to clear your mind as the scenario weaves its way through your head. 

 Namjoon’s girlfriend. He wants you to be his girlfriend.

 Well, his fake girlfriend.

 He would hold your hand. He would kiss you. He would touch your body in ways you convince yourself you don’t think of often. 

 “You’re the only girl I know who’s got a good enough poker face to go along with it. And honestly… you’re the only girl I really know well enough.”

 His last admission shocks you. Namjoon seems like the womanizing type—one to bring a different girl home every night.

 “That doesn’t explain why the fuck I would want to help you.”

 Namjoon steps back and moves towards the coffee machine again.

 “If you help me, I’ll take all your shitty cases that Jin is giving you.”

 Your eyes narrow at the tall man. It seems too good to be true.

 “How d'you know about them?”

 Namjoon shrugs and grabs a mug full of freshly brewed expensive coffee.

 “I can hear you complain to Jimin about it every day.”

 You grumble under your breath, sucking on your teeth as you try to process the terms of Namjoon’s deal.

 “So you want me to be your fake girlfriend for your family…” you muse.

 “Yes,” he agrees. “And I’ll do all your worst cases for the next 2 months. I’ll even give you my next big one. I know you want that.”

 God, he’s right. That’s all you want. A chance to prove yourself to Seokjin, to the company.

 With an aggravated sigh, you relent. 

 “Fine! But it better be a good fucking case. And, I’m using your coffee maker every morning.”

 Namjoon can’t help but chuckle, loving the fire in your voice. 

 “Deal?” He murmurs.

 He holds out his hand to shake on it, and it takes you by surprise how warm and soft his large hands are once you slide your own into his grip.  

 “Deal.”

 Jimin is not going to let you live this one down.

  Jimin doesn’t let you live it down.

 He’s sitting on your couch, legs crossed underneath him as he hoists his wine glass filled to the brim. He holds it away from his body as he shakes with laughter.

 “You’re telling me,” he wheezes. “That you agreed to be Namjoon’s fake Christmas girlfriend? You hate that man!”

 Flopping into the couch beside him, you sigh.

 “Yeah, well, it was my only option. He made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.”

 “Okay, Godfather,” Jimin snickers. “Lord knows you still want to bone that man, anyway.”

 “Jimin!” You admonish. “I do not! And that wasn’t the deal!”

 He sips at his red wine with an impish smile. You hate it when Jimin looks at you like that, like he can see behind the lie you’ve so carefully crafted of your hatred for Namjoon.

 “Then tell me, what was the deal?”

 You fiddle with the stem of your own wine glass, sighing.

 “He’s offered to take all our shitty personal injury suits for the next two months. And he’s giving me his next big case.”

 Jimin actually looks surprised—as if he didn’t expect Namjoon to provide a deal so worth the cost.

 “Wow,” he breathes.

 You nod in reply, taking a large gulp of the pinot grigio in your glass.

 “You’re still going to fuck him though, I know it,” Jimin adds.

 You splutter your wine from your mouth, hand reaching over to gently slap Jimin on his taut abdomen.

 “Shut up!” You cry.

 Jimin looks proud of himself, sipping his red wine gleefully while he settles further into your couch. Wine nights with Jimin is the highlight of your weeks. Together, you bitch over cases, coworkers, dating struggles, and eat too much cheese and cured meats and nurse a hangover the following day with brunch.

 “Hey,” you say to Jimin as you set your wine down on the coffee table. “Did you ever talk to Yoongi?”

 Jimin’s cheeks immediately turn a shade of rouge.

 “Yoongi? Yoongi who?”

 “Oh my god,” you groan. “Yoongi from IT. You stole my phone to call him today? To ask about my new computer?”

 Jimin swallows a large swig of his wine.

 “Oh. Yes, I did.”

 “And?” You encourage the blonde to answer further.

 “And he’s doing well,” Jimin replies demurely.

 “Jimin!” You huff. “The computer?!”

 Jimin makes an ‘O’ shape with his mouth and bites his lip.

 “I… might have forgotten to ask.”

 Your mouth drops open.

 “You literally stole my phone out of my hands to call him! What did you talk about?!”

 There’s his blush again. The shade of pink on Jimin’s cheeks would be adorable if you weren’t so flabbergasted by his answers.

 “I have a date tomorrow night.” He takes another sip as you let the reply sink in.

 “Oh. My. God.” You gasp, a smile now overtaking your features. “You have a crush on Min Yoongi!”

 Jimin sets his wine glass down next to yours and turns to you.

 “I had no idea if he was into me! But when I called, I totally forgot why I was calling him and we sort of just… started talking and next thing I know, he’s asking me out to dinner tomorrow night.”

 You playfully slap at Jimin’s thigh.

 “You little slut—using my phone to get yourself a date. On company time!”

 Jimin sticks his tongue out at you, before grabbing a pillow and slapping you with the overstuffed cushion.

 “At least I didn’t agree to be his fake girlfriend!”

  It’s the sound of your phone ringing at 7:32 am that wakes you from your spot on the couch, wine glass still clutched in your hand.

 “What the fuck?” You grumble, eyes blearily seeking the offending object disturbing your sleep.

 Jimin grumbles next to you, kicking at your foot as if it will stop the phone from ringing.  

“Stop,” he whines and cuddles into his fetal position. “Turn it ooooff.”

 You locate your cell phone and groan as you recognize the name on the caller ID. Namjoon. What the fuck could he possibly be calling for? And why did he have to call at seven in the goddamn morning? 

 “What do you want?” You snap as you hold the phone to your cheek and throw yourself back onto the couch.

 “Well, good morning to you, sunshine.”

 Namjoon’s voice, as sexy and sultry as it sounds, still aggravates you.

 “Why are you calling me? It’s Saturday. Its seven am.”

 Namjoon chuckles and you fight the shiver that works through your spine at the sound.

 “I tend to keep human hours on the weekend.”

 You can’t hold back the sarcastic guffaw that escapes you.  

 “Okay, Mr. Perfect,” you sigh. “That doesn’t explain calling me.”

 Jimin kicks at your foot again. 

 “Stop talking,” he grumbles.

 God, Jimin is such a diva when he’s hungover.

 “Meet me at the cafe on First Street,” Namjoon says casually. “I’ll tell you when you get here.”

 “Right now?!” You ask, incredulous.

 “I’m literally already here. Hurry before your coffee gets cold.”

 You let out a whine that could rival a 5-year-old’s temper tantrum.

 “Fuck you. I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

 There’s no care about your phone when you end the call and throw it to the floor.  Jimin grumbles and rubs at his eyes.

 “Why the fuck are you having phone sex with Namjoon so early in the morning?” He asks.

 “Jimin, I swear to God.”

 He wraps himself in the throw blanket and buries his face back into the couch while you stand and retreat to your bedroom to throw on some semblance of appropriate clothing for the occasion.

 “Fucking Namjoon,” you grumble under your breath as you change into jeans and a sweater. “Fuck him and his stupid, sexy face. And his unbelievable ass. And his stupid, probably enormous penis. Man, I hate him.”

 As you’re re-entering the living room and grabbing your important items (keys, wallet, lip gloss just in-case), Jimin pops his head out of his blanket cave.

 “Where are you going?” He asks, suddenly less annoyed and more pathetic. “You’re leaving me?”

 “I have to go meet Namjoon for coffee. I don’t know why, so don’t ask.”

 “You’re really going to let me suffer here? Alone? With no coffee?”

 You spin around to face your best friend, who’s giving you an absolutely soul-crushing pout and puppy eyes.

 “Yes. Call Yoongi.”

 His precious pout is wiped away, and a devious smirk takes its place.

 “Great idea!” He says as he digs around for his phone. “Be careful out there! It’s icy! Wouldn’t want you to slip and fall on Namjoon’s dick.”

 Your only reply is one singular middle finger in Jimin’s direction as you exit your apartment.

  Namjoon can’t help but smile as he sips his warm coffee. The cafe is warm and bright, despite the chill outside. 

 Things feel peaceful. Tender flakes of snow trickle down outside and frost up the shop’s window. There’s something about this time of year that strikes him down to the core. Something cozy, something warm.

 It’s odd to think this will be his first year not celebrating the holiday alone.

 Even if it is... well, fake. 

 The bell over the door chimes an arrival, and Namjoon can tell by the grumbles and grunts and stomps of snowy boots that it’s you.

 “Over here!” He calls, raising a hand and turning to face you.

 Wow, he thinks. You look gorgeous, even without trying.

 You hurry your way over to the booth and plop yourself on the opposite side, immediately lunging for the obvious mug of coffee waiting for you on the table. You don’t waste a minute gulping the liquid down your throat, then spluttering when you realize it’s still hot.

 “I thought you said it was getting cold!” You cry, airing out your burnt tongue. Namjoon can’t help but imagine that tongue sliding up and down his cock.

 Not now. Wrong time and place to get a boner.

 Namjoon smiles as he sips his cappuccino. 

 “I got you a fresh one.”

 You make a face, but your features soften. As if you’re pleased with the idea that Namjoon cared to freshen up your cup.

 “Oh, well--”, you manage. “Thank you.”

 Namjoon doesn’t reply, but merely tips his head. The silence is thick enough to cut with a knife. Normally, you’re both normally so wound up in aggravating the other that a moment of calm is strange, but not unwelcome.

 “So, why the early morning wake up?” You finally ask, fiddling with the handle of the mug.

 Namjoon settles his cup down.

 “We need to get to know each other. Deep shit, you know. The shit that lovers would know about each other.”

 He notices you, watches as you nibble at your lip. You try hard to hide it behind the mug you lift to your lips, but Namjoon notices. 

 “I’m hoping maybe we could spend the day together,” he adds. “I need to get some Christmas gifts for my family and… well, it’s rather lonely doing it on my own.”

 There’s a slight smile at the ends of your lips.

 “And you needed me at seven thirty in the morning to do that?”

 He stifles a laugh.

 “Like I said, I operate at regular human hours. Even on weekends,” he replies.

 With a dramatic sigh, you agree.

 “Fine,” you say. “I’m an open book. Ask me anything.”

 He watches as you settle into the seat of the booth, hands gripping the warm mug like it’s a personal heater. He notices you’re only wearing jeans and a sweater--no properly warm clothing for the snow storm ahead. He’ll have to fix that, and soon.  

 “What are you doing for Christmas?” He asks.

 You level a look.

 “Spending it pretending to be in love with you.”

 Namjoon can’t help but snort a laugh.

 “I meant after that.”

 You shrug as you settle back into the seat.

 “I don’t like Christmas. I don’t do much other than force Jimin to kiss me under the mistletoe and watch shitty movies with a gallon of boxed wine.”

 “Hmm,” he hums. “You’re sort of a Grinch.”

 A scowl comes over your face.

 “I am not! I just don’t buy into this whole ‘prove how much you love me by buying me things’ shit. It’s a big scheme, I tell you! Capitalist propaganda! They encourage you to spend all your money, and if you don’t, they shame and guilt you by telling you you don’t love your family enough.”

 Namjoon can’t help but laugh as you rant. It’s what makes you such a talented lawyer—your ability to feel a passion so deep within you you’re able to convince a stone-faced jury of your side.

 “Don’t laugh at me!” You cry. “I’m serious! My family doesn’t celebrate, I don’t celebrate. I’d rather just buy gifts for my loved ones when I see something they’d like. Why do we have to put a time of year on it?”

 He shrugs and scooches his mug around the carbonate table.

 “I suppose that makes sense,” he muses. “But you’re still a Grinch. And a Scrooge. You’ll definitely get visited by some Ghosts at midnight.”

 “Ha ha,” you snark sarcastically. “Hilarious, Namjoon. Don’t tell me you’re a big festive guy.”

 “Somewhat. It’s my Mom’s favorite holiday. It’s why she’s so bent out of shape about me having a girlfriend. Something about family and love and shit.”

 You nod, understanding him completely. Your own mother, despite her reservations towards the holiday, still makes a fuss over your single status. There must be some Mom code to obsess over your children’s woeful dating life.

 “Well, I say let’s get on with it then. Ready to hit the shops?” He asks.

 You’re mid-sip of your finally cooled coffee and you send a desperate look to the man in front of you.

“Already?!”

 “We’re burning daylight, baby.”

 Namjoon stands and you can’t help but feel a roar of flames in your belly at the pet-name. Your cheeks are surely flaming up and you admonish yourself for getting so peaked about such a trivial name.

 “Please don’t tell me we’re walking,” you murmur as you sneak a peek outside.

 The snow is falling down harder now, and you’re dreadfully underdressed for the weather.

 Namjoon tsks at your lack of outerwear, but then shakes his head.

 “No, we’ll take my Range Rover.”

 You roll your eyes and grimace.

 “Of course. You have a fucking Nespresso machine and a Range Rover. Asshole.”

 Namjoon doesn’t even think about it as he grabs your hand and laces his fingers in between yours. If anyone asked, he’d say it’s practice—to familiarize himself with the way your fingers slot between his own so it’s not such a foreign concept when he does it in front of his family.

 “Yeah, but I’m your asshole now, princess.”

 Christmas shopping with Namjoon is mostly painless.

 Normally, you dread the lines and the crowds and the confusion and the expense.

 But with Namjoon, you relax and banter away with the tall lawyer. You’re completely at ease as you walk through crowded aisles and sort through racks of cashmere sweaters and stacks of fuzzy blankets.

 “Mom will love this, don’t you think?” Namjoon asks, holding up a thick, exquisite looking blanket.

 You’re about to answer with an affirmative when you catch yourself. You don’t even know his mom. You’ve never met the woman. Why does it feel as if Namjoon is someone you’ve known your entire life? 

 Why do things feel so easy with him?

 “Sure, Namjoon,” you reply. “Seems like something most mother’s would be into.”

 He smiles at you. It’s a genuine smile too, one that nearly knocks you on your ass. Your body is sent into overdrive constantly. He holds your hand, he places his hand at the small of your back to guide you through a thick crowd. He calls you baby and princess and doll.

 It’s confusing.

 It’s amazing.

 You can’t tell if you love it or hate it.

 Namjoon pushes the shopping cart and walks beside you, chatting easily about his various aunts and uncles names that you likely must remember at some point but you just can’t think about anything but Namjoon, Namjoon, Namjoon.

 You hate him. He stole that corner office from you. He’s going to take the promotion you want from right under your nose. He has a goddamn Nespresso in his office and a Range Rover. 

 And yet, you can’t help but fall in place next to him and listen to him tell stories of his childhood, weaving tales of uncles who snuck him his first sips of alcohol and aunts who spoil him rotten. He’s easy to listen to, a natural story-teller. Your body feels warm, as if you’re sitting on a large hearth by a roaring fire. He’s comforting.

 It’s infuriating and wonderful all at once. 

 “And that’s when my cousin Jungkook got caught smoking cigarettes. My grandma beat our ass so bad I couldn’t sit for a day.”

 Namjoon finishes his story and turns to look at you. You’ve been staring at the man for nearly a minute straight now.

 “Hey,” his voice is soft. “You listening?”

 You shake out of the trance Namjoon’s deep voice sends you into.

 “Yeah!” You reply with a smirk. “Sounds like this Jungkook is a guy I’d like to meet.”

 Namjoon sucks his teeth and nudges you.

 “Hey, you’re my girlfriend, remember.”

 You stick your tongue out at him playfully.

 “Fake girlfriend. I’m still a single, desirable lady at the end of the day.”

 Namjoon hesitates before answering. He wants to reply something snarky, something sarcastic and witty. But he takes a moment to pause, allows himself to fully immerse himself in you. Even hungover, in yesterday’s jeans and an old sweater, you’re still an absolute catch. You’re the definition of desirable and Namjoon can’t help but allow himself to desire.

 “Hmm, is that what you call it?” He asks, now allowing the sarcasm to permeate his words. “I was thinking you’re more of the spinster, cat-lady type.”

 “Hey!” You pout as you slap at his arm. “I’m allergic to cats!”

 “But you don’t deny being a spinster.”

 “Fuck you, Namjoon.”

 He grins and pushes the carts towards the candle aisle, a sure-fire gift for his aunties.

 “In due time, my love.”

  By the time Christmas Eve arrives, you’ve spent nearly every day with Namjoon. At work, he brings you fresh coffee from his Nespresso and buys you lunch. You’ve even landed his big case, an incredibly complex lawsuit that will showcase your skills. Namjoon gives you pointers and space to talk through the case with him.

Namjoon is, in fact, simply being kind. And it unsettles you.

 Your heart and brain are at war with each other constantly. You should hate him, loathe him. He’s going to nail that promotion regardless of what you prove to Seokjin.

 But your heart tells you he deserves it. He’s an incredible attorney and has earned every ounce of respect. You want Namjoon to get that promotion just to see that smile on his face. He’d do incredible things as Seokjin’s protege to take over the firm.

 You hate to admit it, but Namjoon has melted the ice around your heart. And you’re dreading the day after all this is over, because it will be the day Namjoon stops holding you close and pressing soft kisses to your temple. It will be the day he stops pretending this is all real.

 It’s Christmas Eve and you’re sitting in Namjoon’s expensive Range Rover, plush leather seat toasty from the built-in seat warmer. You can’t help but marvel at the way the oncoming headlights brighten up Namjoon’s features as he drives you down a snowy mountain lane. They always hold the Kim family holiday party at Namjoon’s late grandfather’s cabin in the mountains, a quiet getaway for the family to gather and spend the night together to wake up on Christmas morning and gather around for presents and food.

 Which means waking up to Kim Namjoon.

 It’s something you’ve dreamt of often, but denied yourself any actual possibility of it. Namjoon was always out of reach, and it was easier to hate him for his success he rightfully deserved than it was to admit the feelings that were always inside.

 And now, although it’s artificial, you can’t bear to think of not spending your time with Namjoon anymore.

 You steal a glance again at him, and smile as you hear his faint humming. He loves Christmas music. You learned that early in the week during another early morning coffee and ‘get to know you’ before work. Namjoon couldn’t stop singing Mariah Carey’s classic pop song under his breath as it played over the speakers in the cafe. 

 “It’s so pretty up here,” you muse as you force your vision away from Namjoon’s gorgeous face to the snowy scenery outside. 

 The snow is falling gently, not enough to cause a blizzard but enough to make it seem like you’re trapped in a picturesque snow-globe. Leaving the city and entering the magical forest stirs an emotion inside you you hadn’t felt in some time.

 It’s Christmas Eve and there’s just something magical.

 Ugh. Unbelievable.

 Namjoon has even made you actually enjoy Christmas.

 He nods. “Yeah, it’s my favorite place in the world, I think.”

 “I can see why,” you sigh. “It looks like a painting.”

 Namjoon glances over at you peering through the window. His heart hammers in his chest hard as your glittering eyes bounce around from tree to tree, a pretty smile on your face. The diamond ring in his pocket feels like it weighs a literal ton and he nibbles at his lip.

 He bought it for the showmanship of it all, initially. It was his first purchase he made when he set up this whole rouse.

 But now, it feels real. It feels like he’s really about to get on one knee and ask you, the girl he’s absolutely head over heels for, to marry him.

 And then it will be over.

 He’ll make up some story to tell his mom about how it didn’t work out and you’ll go back to being his coworker, and nothing more.

 Namjoon can’t fight the sinking feeling in his stomach.

 Nothing more.

 He pulls into the driveway before you even have time to realize you’re there. He puts the car in park and smiles over at you. 

 He looks so cute in his puffy winter coat, hair pushed to the side and a smile that’s all dimples and cheeks.

 Fuck.

 “We’re here,” he whispers. “You ready?”

 Suddenly, the nerves of meeting your fake boyfriend’s entire family slap you right in the face. You hope that you’re a good enough actress to get Namjoon through the night and into the morning.

 “Ready as I’ll ever be.”

 He nods and squeezes your hand, an unspoken comforting ‘I got you’.

 Namjoon gathers his wrapped gifts and stacks them all in his arms, ignoring your pleas and giggles to help carry them in.

 “No, no,” he assures. “I have to make sure my mom sees me being manly and helpful.”

 As if on cue, the front door opens and Mrs. Kim is bursting out into the snowy night.

 “Namjoon!” She shrieks, completely overjoyed. The rest of the family is standing by the door, eyeing you carefully with smiles and whispers. You pray to whatever Christmas God that’s listening that you can do this.

 Namjoon sets the pile of gifts down just in time to wrap his delicate and tiny mother in his arms, hugging her tightly while she gleefully buries her face into her tall son’s chest.

 “Oh, my son, I’ve missed you.”

 Namjoon kisses the crown of her head and smiles.

 “Missed you too, eomma.”

 The scene has you misty-eyed and you swipe at your eyes to stop the tears. There’s no way you’re ruining the fantastic makeup you did for the occasion, but the reunion of Namjoon and his mother is heart-warming. He clearly cares for his mother more than he would outwardly admit. 

 Namjoon and his mother unwrap from each other and Namjoon turns towards you.

 “Everyone, this is ____,” he breathes. “My girlfriend.”

 His mother’s gleeful squeals now turn to you, and within an instant she’s gathering you up in just as tight of a hug as she did to her son.

 “Oh, darling, we are so happy to meet you,” she beams.

 The excitement in her voice makes you feel bad—like you’re conning an old woman out of her retirement. You’re instilling a sense of hope in the kind woman, and you can’t help but send Namjoon a look as you wrap your arms around her and return the embrace. His eyes sparkle with something you can’t read.

 “I’m happy to meet you too,” you smile as you pull apart. “Thank you for letting me come.”

 “No thanks necessary,” she admonishes with a wink. “We had to beg Namjoon to bring you. It seems he wants to keep you all to himself.”

 “Eomma!” Namjoon snaps. “Be appropriate!”

 She nudges you with her elbow knowingly, which makes your cheeks flame hot, before she leads the way back into the house.

 “Come in, come in! Let’s get out of this snow.”

 Namjoon encourages you to step inside with a gentle hand at the small of your back—a touch that makes your body light up brighter than a Christmas tree.

 “Thank you,” he whispers in your ear from behind. You can feel the warmth of his lips and your body reacts.

How is it that any simple act makes you desperately horny for the man? You pray for some respite from your sexual frustration over the next day. How are you going to last over 24 hours?

 Namjoon deposits his massive haul of gifts under the tree and returns to your side, wrapping an arm around your shoulders to bring you close. He introduces you to uncles and aunts and cousins. He even introduces you to his infamous cousin, Jungkook, who smirks at you in a way that makes Namjoon pull you in closer to his body.

 “Are you doing okay?” Namjoon finally asks after the rush of relatives greeting you dies down. He turns you towards him, to face him directly with his hands on either of your shoulders. “You’re killing it.”

 You can’t help but smile. Namjoon’s family is all incredibly kind and funny. They welcome you into the family with ease and it chips away a little more each time at your heart.

 Because this is all fake. 

 One day, Namjoon really will have a girlfriend to bring to Christmas and to show off to his relatives and it won’t be you. You’ll be back at your apartment, watching shitty TV re-runs and binging on Chinese takeout, as you do every year. It’s a jab at your heart each time the bitter truth rears its ugly head.

 “Yeah,” you nod. “I’m great.”

 “Look!” Jungkook shouts. “They’re standing under the mistletoe!”

 Namjoon blushes a shade of red that likely matches a blush on your own cheeks. Sure enough, the green branches of the mistletoe taunt you from above. 

 You’ve never kissed Namjoon before. In all the skinship and closeness of the last week, you’ve still yet to close the gap to kissing the man. 

 “Oh, come on Kook, that’s a stupid tradition,” Namjoon murmurs awkwardly, rubbing at the back of his neck.

 Jungkook smirks as he steps up next to you.

 “Well, if you’re not going to do it, I’d be more than happy to take your place.”

 Jungkook wraps a loose arm around you and gives you a charming smile. He must be very popular with the ladies, you think. That’s a charming smile.

 “Hey!” Namjoon grabs for your hand and tugs you out of Jungkook’s predatory gaze. “She’s my girlfriend.”

 Namjoon looks at you for a moment, assessing your comfort level with everything about to take place. His lips look so inviting, so plush and warm. Now that you’re thinking about kissing him, you can’t help but focus on the way his lips pucker so gently and naturally.

 And then it happens. Namjoon lowers his face towards you and it feels as if the world is in slow-motion. It’s happening.

 The first press of his lips is soft and conservative. You take a split second to register, but instinctively you press against his lips with determination and wrap your arms around his neck to deepen the kiss.

 He groans softly as you trail your tongue out to seek purchase in his mouth, and he opens for you without hesitation. His hands grip at your waist and bring your body flush against his. You can feel his cock twitching and rising from the kiss that’s gone from innocent and playful to passionate and deep. It feels like the world around you has stopped and the only thing that matters is Namjoon, his mouth, his body against your own. He tastes like hot chocolate and peppermint, and you want more, more.

 “Oh my god, stop,” Jungkook’s voice shatters your illusion of being all alone with Namjoon. “Now you’re just showing off.”

 Namjoon pulls away from you, eyes dazed as he tries to right himself. 

 “You two are just so perfect for each other,” Namjoon’s mother says, who’s suddenly appeared in Jungkook’s place. “Let me show you your bedroom.”

 “Oh, we’re sharing?” You ask without thought. It’s a large house, with ample bedrooms surely for you to have your own space.

 Namjoon nudges you in the ribs gently, eyes widening and mouthing a ‘what the fuck do you mean?’ 

 “Of course dear, don’t be silly,” his mother replies with an eyebrow waggle and a chuckle. “I remember when your father and I were dating. He would sneak into my room after my parents went to bed and keep me up all night long. Your grandfather would ask me if I had terrible dreams that night, because I looked so tired.”

 Namjoon makes a face. “Eomma, please,” he begs. “Please don’t talk about my parents like that.”

 As his mother guides you down a long hallway, your mind is whirring with too many thoughts of Namjoon, of sharing a bedroom with Namjoon, of seeing his sleeping face and waking up next to him. It’s all too much, too overwhelming. You pray there’s a couch in the room you could sleep on, because you’re far too weak and you’d rather fight the desperation in your body than face the fact that you want nothing more than to curl right into Namjoon’s strong arms and let him hold you all night to sleep.

 Fuck.

 “Here we are!” 

 His mother opens the door with grace, and flicks on the light. The room is beautiful in its simplicity. A king sized bed, a fireplace, and a balcony with a view of the sprawling snowy scene outside. It’s cozy and warm and decorated with its own Christmas tree.

 “Wow,” is all you can muster.

 “Aish, Mom,” Namjoon sighs as he drops his bags. “You didn’t need to do all of this for us.”

 Mrs. Kim holds his hand in both of hers. “Well, I know how special this Christmas is going to be,” she winks. “I want you to enjoy your time here. Now, I’ll leave you two alone for a bit. Dinner is in an hour, so ‘freshen up’!”

Another wink, and Namjoon makes another face. She definitely wants grandchildren, that much is for certain.

 She closes the door behind her and you’re left standing in the room, overnight bag in hand.

 “This is—Wow, this is amazing.”

 You’ve never experienced Christmas like this—with decorations and warmth and family. It’s as if the love of the Kim family permeates the very walls of the expansive cabin, like it’s built into the foundation itself. For a moment, you allow yourself to soak it all in. This is all yours. It’s your Christmas and you finally understand why so many make such a fuss over it. The results are nothing short of remarkable.

 “Yeah, she really does the most,” Namjoon laughs. 

 He takes the bag from your hand without your notice and you step towards the balcony to peer into the night. The landscape looks as if everything has been covered in soft marshmallow. The snow is untouched—picture perfect.

 “I’ve never had anything like this before.”

 Namjoon settles your bag and his on the bed, watching as you soak in your own wonder. The smile on your face is not one he sees often, one of pure joy. Namjoon swallows hard as he realizes he wants to be the one to always put that smile on your face.

 “Not such a Scrooge after all, eh?”

 You turn from the still-life view outside and back to Namjoon, where he stands at the foot of the bed. He looks so different outside the office. He’s wearing skinny jeans and a flannel shirt, his puffy jacket hanging by the door. No cream suit, no slicked back hair or shoes shiny enough to see your reflection. Just simply Namjoon.

 He’s no longer the man who steals the limelight in the office. He’s no longer the man you see as your adversary or your rival.

 He’s the man who’s showing you the magic of Christmas, the spirit of love and kindness that embodies the season.

 He’s the man you’ve fallen in love with.

 And yet, he’s the man who will leave once this is over and return to his proper life, and you to yours. He’ll return to sleeping with models and movie starlets, and you’ll return to binge watching Great British Bake-Off with Jimin and a carton of Chicken Tikka Masala.

 And Christmas will never feel as special as it does now. 

 So, you’re determined to soak in it for a little longer. It’s going to hurt regardless, so why not push that hurt off until tomorrow and allow yourself to pretend you live the lie you’re spinning for Namjoon’s family?

 “I think I’ll just freshen up and change into my dinner outfit, then?” You ask out loud, grabbing for your overnight bag and heading towards the ensuite.

 Namjoon, who expected a witty retort, takes a moment to reply.

 “Oh,” he coughs. “Yeah, sure. I’ll err—, I’ll just get ready out here.”

 You quickly escape into the bathroom, closing the door and resting on it as you exhale a breath you didn’t realize you were holding.

 The tension in the bedroom with Namjoon was too thick, too powerful, especially after the kiss you just shared. His cock had been there, straining in his jeans as you licked into his mouth. The kiss felt so natural, as if you had always kissed Namjoon like that. Your heart beats loud and hard in your chest just from the thought of it.

 You really needed to get a handle over yourself. You still have dinner to get through, and an entire night in a bedroom with Namjoon. A bed with Namjoon.

 No, you won’t allow yourself to go that far. You can pretend you’re his girlfriend, but all thoughts of his delectable body doing scintillating things to yours is strictly off-limits. You shake all thoughts of a thick, heavy cock sliding into your mouth and warm hands spreading you open, and set about fixing your makeup and changing into the gorgeous cocktail dress you purchased for the occasion. It wasn’t often you got to get dressed up. The emerald green velvet dress clings to your body and highlights your curves. It’s a sexy dress, definitely, but also appropriate for a formal evening with your boyfriend’s parents.

 Well, your fake boyfriend. Right.

 After fixing your hair and buckling your heels, you take one last glimpse in the mirror for good luck and exit the room.

 Your breath is nearly knocked out of your lungs as you see Namjoon. 

You’ve seen him dressed up for court and for TV appearances millions of times, but you’ve never seen him like this.

 He wears a blood red button up without a tie, a few buttons open to emphasize the casual look, tucked into the tightest and sexiest slacks you’ve ever seen. They hug his thighs and sit at a spot on his waist that you just know is rippling with cut lines from his work in the gym. His hair is tucked back with a bit of hairspray, and he’s fixing the sleeves of his shirt when he sees you.

 His eyes widen and his hands fall to his sides as he soaks in your appearance.

 An absolute vision.

 He can see the gentle valley between your breasts and the way your dress pushes up your cleavage and displays your collar.  The dress follows the delicate curve of your waist and hips and ends at your knee, but teases him with a glimpse of thigh that has him wiping his mouth in case he’s drooling. 

 “You look incredible,” Namjoon murmurs as you step closer.

“So do you.”

 You swallow hard as he continues closer to you, breathing harshly as he stands right in front of you. You could reach out and unbuckle his expensive slacks and fist his cock right there. You’d fall on your knees for him, if he asked.

 There’s a moment of silence as Namjoon’s face inches closer and closer to your own, each unable to verbalize just how desperate either of you feel for the other.

 “Namjoon, I—,” you start. You want to tell him. You want to tell him everything—that you don’t want this to be fake, that you want this to be real, and you want to be his and his forever.

 “Yes?”

 You swallow hard, shaken by just how close his lips are to yours. He’s inches away and all you can focus on is the way his plush lips look and how well they fit against your own under the mistletoe.

 “I just—, I really um, I’m just very…” 

 You’re not making sense. Comprehension of language is quickly soaring out the window because the only words you know are ‘Please, for the love of God, kiss me and make me yours’, but you can’t bring yourself to speak them out loud.

 Namjoon’s hand cups your cheek, as if he can tell what you’re trying to say.

 “Yeah,” he breathes. The inches between you turn to centimeters, to bare millimeters. Your eyes flutter close as you feel his breath dance over your lips and your heart beats so loud you’re sure the entire household can hear it. He’s right there and moves in to close the distance—

 “Knock Knock!!”

 The forceful, cheery voice of cousin Jungkook forces both of you to jump away from each other as if you’ve touched a burning stove. Your head feels light, like you’ve forgotten to breathe for the last ten minutes and you’ve suddenly taken in too much air.

 The wooden door squeaks open and Jungkook pokes his head in, a shit-eating grin on his face.

 “Auntie sent me to get you. It’s dinnertime!”

 Namjoon rubs his face frustratedly. “Yes, thank you, Jungkook.”

 Jungkook doesn’t leave, however. He smiles at you and winks. 

“Would you like an escort to dinner, madame? You look tastier than the roast beef downstairs.”

 A blush creeps over your cheeks as Namjoon storms to the door where his cousin laughs.

 “That’s enough, Kook. We’ll be down in a minute.”

 He sends you one more grin, then retreats from the door and closes it behind him.

 “Sorry about that,” Namjoon apologizes. You’re not sure what he’s apologizing for—Jungkook, or the moment before.

 “It’s alright. Let’s go?”

 Namjoon nods and holds out his hand with a smile.

 “Let’s go, girlfriend.”

  Dinner with the Kim family is as delightful as every other interaction with them has been. They’re polite and funny and ask questions about your life and your family.

 They ask how you met Namjoon (at work), what your favorite quality about him is (his smile and his ass), and what your first date together was (coffee at seven in the morning).

 You tell stories of Namjoon in the office, of your best friend Park Jimin who’s secretly trying to date the IT manager, of your parents and Christmases past.

 By the time dessert is served, Namjoon’s mother looks at you as if you’ve put the very stars in the sky.

 Namjoon doesn’t miss that look either. He can see the way his family is falling in love with you and somewhere deep in his stomach, he feels the guilt rising. All of this is a lie. Not only is he going to break his own heart, but every heart of his family member’s too. 

 “We’re all just so overjoyed that Namjoon has found someone to share his life with,” his mom speaks softly. It’s the first time she’s been thoughtful and quiet. She’s a woman who’s larger than life, you’ve found, so the softness in her tone strikes a chord. “You’re absolutely perfect for him. I’ve never seen him happier.”

 Fuck. 

 “Thank you,” you murmur sincerely to his mother. “I’ve never been happier.”

 Namjoon peers up from where he’s been pushing around his uncle’s famous chocolate cake on his plate to watch as you speak.

 “Truthfully, I never cared much for Christmas. I thought it was a rubbish holiday and spent it alone every year with a bottle of wine and some takeout. Namjoon really changed that for me,” you smile at the man and place your hand in his lap to hold his free hand. “He showed me more about Christmas in one week than I’ve felt in my entire life.”

 Namjoon’s mom wipes away an errant tear and he squeezes your hand under the table.

 “I guess the Grinch’s heart has grown 3 sizes, after all.”

 Namjoon’s joke lightens the soft mood, and suddenly there’s chatter around as the family members move about to wash dishes and clean up the mess of dinner. Everyone leaves the table except for you and Namjoon.

 “That was some good acting,” he whispers with a sad smile.

 “Right,” you whisper back, nibbling your lip anxiously. “Acting, of course.”

  You should have thought through the bedroom sharing thing more.

 Because sharing a bedroom is one thing.

 And sharing a bed is another.

 And of course, the only pajamas you thought to bring tonight is a very sexy long shirt that says “no coffee, no talking” with a bedazzled pair of shushing lips. That’s it. Just a single shirt. Not even a pair of shorts or pajama pants.

 You slip into the bed first, as far onto one side of it as possible. It’s a king sized bed, and it still feels too intimate, too close.

 Namjoon exits the bathroom after his shower, rubbing at his wet hair with a towel. He’s shirtless, wearing only a pair of flannel pajamas, leaving his bare chest on display.

 Sweet lord in heaven, you nearly cry out loud. He’s absolutely ripped, pecs defined and droplets of water from his hair streaming down. You want to chase each drop with your tongue and circle back again. You shut your eyes tight and clench your teeth. Why, oh why, does he have to look so fucking sexy at a time like this?

 Namjoon sees you at the edge of the bed, shutting your eyes closed like you’re a shy schoolgirl afraid to see a naked man’s body. He feels guilty for making you be here. He knows you’ve likely got better things to do than spend time with a man you openly hate.

 “I’m sorry,” he apologizes for nothing in particular. 

 You ignore it. Instead, you’re trying to think of every un-sexy thing in the world you can possibly imagine. Taxes, a bunch of bees, old people, shark attacks.

 There’s absolutely nothing that can stop the image of Namjoon’s perfectly sculpted body from bursting into your mind. You’re nearly pleading with yourself to just go to sleep and contemplate how hard you’d need to hit your head to knock yourself out as fast as possible.

 “I’ll sleep on the floor,” he says as he grabs a small throw blanket from the closet and throws it to the ground by the fire.

 It snaps you from your musings of how best to forget how badly you want to suck Namjoon’s cock through his pajama pants.

 “What?” You sit up in the posh bed and finally make eye-contact. “Why? It’s freezing. There’s a literal snowstorm outside.” You motion to the window of the balcony. What was once a gentle snowfall is now a full-on winter storm.

 “There’s a fire. I’ll be fine, I sleep hot anyway.” Namjoon’s voice is low and without energy. He almost sounds sad.

 God, is being with you that hard for him? You know you’re just the artificial replacement until he has the real thing, but you’d actually hoped Namjoon had found it as comforting and warm as you had.

 “Namjoon,” you sigh. “This is a king-sized bed. You don’t need to be waking up with back pain because you gallantly slept on the floor.”

 To emphasize your point, you tug back the blankets on the other side, beckoning him to join.

 He hesitates for a moment, as if he’s weighing the pro’s and con’s and sliding into bed next to you in his mind, then stands and pads his way on the plush carpet towards the bed and slips in.

 There’s an entire football field of distance between you two in the bed, but it feels like he’s right beside you. You imagine sliding in right next to him, wrapping your arms around his taut chest and pressing soft kisses to his stomach.

 You squeeze your eyes closed again. Stop it, you horny slut.

 “Thank you, again.” Namjoon breaks the silence. “I really appreciate you helping me out.”

 “Yeah,” you swallow hard. “Of course. What else was I going to do? Jimin’s probably sucking Yoongi’s dick right now, so I’d be watching baking shows alone.”

 Namjoon laughs for a moment, then quiets.

 “You know, I don’t even really want that promotion at work.”

 You’re surprised by the sudden change in topic, but you turn over to face Namjoon.

“What?! Really?”

 Namjoon nods and stares at the ceiling. “I don’t think I’m that good of an attorney to get it, anyway.”

 His statement makes you sit up in bed again, staring at the man in disbelief.

 “Are you fucking kidding me, Namjoon? You’re the best lawyer in the firm.”

 Namjoon says nothing, just turns to stare at you curiously as you continue.

 “You’re like… literally better than Seokjin, too. The way you handled the Taehyung case was nothing short of historical. Like, that was an impossible case, and you nailed it. That was your ‘OJ’ case, you know?”

 Namjoon barks a laugh.

 “My what?”

 “Your OJ case!” You use your hands to emphasize the importance of what you’re saying. “Like, they’ll write about you and how impossible the odds were of winning that case. And you won it! Not even Seokjin could have won that case.”

 He’s silent again, watching as you speak directly from your heart with all the fire and passion you feel about the things you care about. It’s what makes you such an incredible lawyer, too.

 “Wow,” he breathes. “Thank you.”

 You settle back down from your excitement, suddenly bashful at how fanatical you became.  

 “You’re welcome,” you murmur. “You deserve that promotion. And the office.”

 Namjoon smirks.

 “And the Nespresso?”

 Your eyes narrow and send a glare to him he can see even with the faintest of light in the room.

 “No, no one deserves the Nespresso, except for me.”

 He chuckles and settles down into his pillows.

 “Goodnight,” he whispers.

 “Goodnight, Namjoon.”

 There’s a beat of silence and your eyes flutter shut easily. It’s quiet, and all you can hear is the crackle of the log in the fireplace and the wind blowing past the balcony windows as the storm outside rages.

 “Oh,” Namjoon whispers again. “And, Merry Christmas.”

 You can’t fight the smile that creeps onto your face.

 “Merry Christmas, Joonie.”

  “Happy Christmas!” A voice bellows through your bedroom at approximately seven fifteen am.

 You groan, immediately grimacing and burying your face into your firm, warm pillow.

 “Nooooo,” you whine, trying to hide from the offending noise.

 Namjoon shakes awake, and notices Jungkook standing at the bedroom door once again.

“It’s time for presents!” He giddily explains. “And, they gave me the job of waking you two up.”

 “Of course,” Namjoon yawns.

 “You look a little wrapped up,” Jungkook smirks, eyeing your sleeping body. “I’ll give you two a minute. Don’t get distracted.”

 Namjoon rolls his eyes and watches as the door closes, before he turns his attention towards you.

 Somehow, in the middle of the night, you’ve scooched yourself to his side of the bed and draped your body around his. Your face is buried in his chest and your legs are haphazardly intertwined in his own.

 He bites his lip. His cock is rock solid, not just from his usual morning wood, but from the way he can feel your tits through your shirt, and from the sight of your pink panties. Namjoon wants to take them off with his teeth and bury his face in your delicious cunt, and his cock is nearly screaming at him to get on with it.

 “Hey,” he whispers to you, actively ignoring the demon that is his turgid length. “Wake up.”

 This causes you to cling harder to his chest, rubbing your sleepy face on him.

 “What is it with you and early mornings?” You ask, blearily raising your head to peer at him judgementally.

 Namjoon bites his lip, curious about your reaction to the tight embrace you’ve got on him. He doesn’t want to say anything, doesn’t want to break the spell. Frankly, he wants to push your sleep shirt up and stuff you full of his cum.

 “Merry Christmas?” He offers shyly.

 You take a full minute to recognize what’s happening.

 You’re no longer on your edge of the bed. You’re wrapped around the man like a koala, legs strewn over him without care and clinging to him like he’s a lifeline.

 “Oh!” You gasp as you jerk out of his grasp. 

 In your movement, your leg brushes over an obvious tent in Namjoon’s pants, making him groan softly. You shut your eyes, embarrassed at how disgustingly horny you are for the man who’s not even interested in you sexually.

 “Christ, I’m so sorry,” your cheeks flame bright red and you scoot further from him.

 “No, no, don’t be,” Namjoon wheezes as he tries to fix himself. “It’s fine. It’s more than fine. It’s great. It happens. Don’t worry.”

 He continues to stammer out reassurances as he leaves the bed and bolts into the bathroom to fix his unruly tented pants, leaving you sitting atop the bed washed with shame.

 “Fucking hell,” you whisper to yourself as you rub at your cheeks. “Get a grip of yourself.”

 Inside the bathroom, it only takes Namjoon a few fisted jerks of his cock and the mental image of you beneath him, begging for him, until he’s silently cumming on an expensive towel. He bites his free hand to stifle the moans he makes as his cock pulses.

 By the time he arrives back in the bedroom, you’ve changed into a hoodie and yoga leggings that accentuate your ass so delectably that Namjoon thinks about turning right back into the bathroom for a second round.

 “I’m sorry!” You nearly shout when he walks into the room. “About the bed. You were warm and I was cold. That’s all.”

 Nmajoon simply nods, doesn’t want to have to explain how he wishes he could wake up like that every day. Doesn’t want to describe in vivid detail how he’d wake you up with his tongue buried deep in your cunt.

 “Let me grab a shirt and we’ll head out, yeah?”

 Your eyes dance over the defined ridges of his body, a little crest-fallen at the idea that this might be the last time you see him shirtless, but you nod anyway.

 “Yeah.”

The ring box sits in a deceptively large box beneath the tree. Namjoon wrapped it last night and hide it at the very back. His heartbeat hammers in his ears as his family passes around gifts and opens each with squeals of delight.

 His mother gave him new ties for the office, ones that Namjoon prefers. She’s even gifted you with jewelry, which makes your eyes water at the sentiment.

 It all begins to be too much. It’s harder and harder to hold back the tears as each of Namjoon’s family members gives you gifts. It doesn’t matter the value, not at all. The fact that they specifically set out to include you in their gift-unwrapping makes your heart snap in two.

 This is all too much, it’s too real.

 It’s everything you never dreamed you could have. A loving partner who lets you sit in the space of his legs and rubs your arms soothingly. A family who goes out of their way to include you in the abundance of love and company. A cabin so warm and cozy.

 The tears don’t stop.

 It’s at the end of the gift exchange that you finally allow yourself to breathe. 

 “There’s one more,” Namjoon whispers as he moves from behind you and fetches a large box from behind the tree. “It’s for you, princess.”

 Curiously, and suspiciously, you eye him as he sets the enormous gift in your lap. You had done nearly all his Christmas shopping with him, and can’t remember a single thing he would have gotten for you.

 “I hope it’s the Nespresso from your office,” you snark with a smile. His family members all laugh and exchange knowing looks to each other.

 Namjoon doesn’t think he can breathe. He watches as you begin to carefully unwrap the large box, which reveals another box, slightly smaller. He can’t help but grin as you continue to unwrap the nesting-doll style gift until you’re down to the smallest one, the one that holds the ring box.

 With one last tear of paper, your eyes widen as you recognize the velvet box.

 “Oh--,” you breathe as you delicately pry open the gift.

 Inside sits a dazzling and gorgeous diamond ring. It catches the light from the fire and sparkles like a firecracker.

 “Oh my god,” you whimper as the tears flow again.

 He’s proposing.

 Namjoon settles himself onto one knee and tucks an errant piece of hair behind your ears.

 “You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. I knew from day one that you were always the girl I wanted to marry,”

 Namjoon’s speech sends daggers to your heart. He’s so convincing for something so counterfeit. 

 “I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember, much longer than we’ve been together. You’re who I want to come home to every night, and who I want to wake up with every morning.”

 It hurts. It hurts so badly that you’re crying even harder as he continues to speak. His family must think you’re simply overcome with emotion and love that the crying doesn’t give it away, but inside you’re absolutely dying.

 There’s no way you can recover from this.

 Tomorrow, Namjoon will take the ring back to where he got it from and return to what he had before. He’ll leave you behind, broken and hopelessly in love with a man who faked a relationship so well that you fell for it, hard.

 “____, will you marry me?”

 You take several large, gulping gasps to reply. You can’t shatter the illusion. Namjoon’s parents are weeping with joy, while his relatives record the moment on their phones and wipe away errant tears. Even Jungkook looks soft, proud of his cousin for taking the next step in his life.

 Oh, how you wish this were all real.

 “Yes,” you lie with a smile. “Yes, Namjoon, of course!”

 Namjoon grins and pulls you to standing, gathering you in his arms as he hugs you tight. His family cheers and hollers in the background, and you sob into his shoulder as you cling to him.

 He easily slides the diamond ring out of the box and onto your finger, where it sits and taunts you. The weight is heavy, and you whimper at the realization that this will never be for you. It will sit atop a pretty model’s finger sometime soon, when Namjoon resumes his regular life.

 “Oh, my darlings, I am so happy for you!” Namjoon’s mother appears and wraps you both in a hug, weeping and kissing cheeks. “We must discuss planning!”

 It’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back. The tears and weeping turn to wracking sobs, which quiets the family as they watch you hold your face in your hands.

 “I’m sorry,” you apologize through your grief. “I—I just need a moment.”

 Without another word, you turn from the scene and bolt back towards the bedroom.

 It’s silent and Namjoon’s heart sinks. 

 This must be too much for you, too much for you to pretend to love him. He knew it was too much and he should have discussed it with you beforehand.

 “She’s just a little err--,” Namjoon tries. “Easily emotional. I’ll go check on her.”

 His family understands as Namjoon hurries towards the bedroom and gently opens the door.

 You’re sitting over your overnight bag, trying to shove any clothing into it you can, while you sob openly.

 “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I should have told you. I sort of... told my mom I’d be proposing to my girlfriend.”

 There’s pain in your eyes as you snap your head up to look at him. It nearly destroys him.

 “You should have warned me!” You gasp. “Namjoon, I can’t do this.”

 Namjoon lowers his head and shoves his hands into his pockets of his pajama pants.

 “I get it. I know you want to go back to your regular life. I can take you home now.”

 You’re silent for a moment, standing and moving towards the man.

 “Don’t you get it, Namjoon?”

 He raises his head to look at you curiously, brow knitted together with confusion.

 “I’m in love with you, you asshole!” You cry, pushing at his chest. “I can’t continue to pretend this is real anymore. I love you, I absolutely love you and I can’t go on watching you pretend you love me too. It’s too much for me to handle.”

 Namjoon’s world freezes in time as he watches you slide the ring off your finger. He grasps your hand to stop you, his eyes boring into your own.

 “I never had to pretend.”

 Before you can speak, Namjoon cups your cheek and pulls you in close, mouth sealing over your own in a desperate kiss.

 You don’t fight it, not at all. You sink into his grasp and kiss him back with fervor, with all the pent-up emotions you’ve held back all this time.

 “I’m in love with you,” he whispers as he pulls away from the kiss. “I meant every single word I said.”

 More tears stream down your cheeks, and Namjoon is quick to wipe them away with his thumb.

 “I know it’s maybe too soon for us to really be engaged, but I—I want that, with you,” he adds. “I want you to be my girlfriend… for real.”

 “Are you being serious right now?” You ask as your hands cling to Namjoon’s waist.

 He can’t help but to laugh, nodding in reassurance as he leans down to press his lips to yours in a tender kiss.

 “Never been more serious in my life.”

 “I can’t believe you’re mine,” Joon murmurs into the nape of your neck.

 You were supposed to be driving home to your apartment now, back to real life, but the snowstorm raged on and Namjoon decided it might be best to spend yet another night in the cabin. Together. As a couple. A real couple.

 You didn’t put up much of a fight.

 He’s pressing soft kisses into your tender skin as he closes the door to the bedroom.

  “All mine, all mine.” He chants it like a mantra. 

 You’re trying to maneuver your way into the dark bedroom, only guided by the light from the fireplace. Namjoon stops you and pulls away from your neck, eyes soaking in every inch of you.

 “You have no idea what I’ve been dying to do to you,” he speaks after a moment of appreciating your beauty.

 “Hmm, I think I have some idea,” you say, a finger at Namjoon’s chest, directing him towards the bed. “I’ve been dying to suck your cock, Joon,” you whisper in his ear as he makes his way backwards. “Will you let me?”

 Namjoon nods in a daze as he sits on the edge of the bed and watches as you kneel. Your eyes are full of hope, full of lust. It makes his cock harden further.

 “Please do,” he breathes. “I’ve wondered what you’d look like with your mouth full of my dick.”

 You smile as you tug at his flannel pajama pants, pulling them down thick thighs and calves until they’re completely off. Your mouth waters at the sight before you. Namjoon’s cock is thick, head weeping with pre-cum and straining hard against his taut chest. He’s been working out more, you can tell. His arms are full and strong, and his chest is so firm and defined. 

 He’s an entire three-course meal.

 Before you move closer to his cock, Namjoon stops you.

 “Take your shirt off.”

 You comply easily, already settling well into an obedient role. He discards the shirt to the side and marvels at your breasts. He can’t wait to mark them up, suck them until you’re crying.

 “Perfect,” he sighs. “You’re fucking perfect.”

 He allows you to resume your work, eyeing the length of his cock before wrapping a hand around it and gently pumping.

 “Shit,” he breathes as his head falls back. “I’ve dreamt about how it’d feel having my cock in your hands.”

 “What else have you dreamed about?” You ask with a teasing smile, bringing your lips to the tip to paint tiny stripes. He tastes salty, somewhat earthy, and the pre-cum that’s gathered at the top gets swept up by your tongue. 

 Namjoon can’t believe how lucky he is. Can’t believe how incredible it feels to have you here, licking at his cock like a lollipop. He’s enchanted by the way your delicate tongue swirls around his head, testing and teasing.

 “You look so good, princess,” he whispers as he tucks stray hair behind your ears. 

 You’re encouraged by his sweet-talk and soon descend to take his cock fully in as far as you can go. You’re definitely out of practice, but you steel yourself up to take him completely to the back of your throat. Namjoon’s desperate moans and cursing only encourages you further.

 Soon enough, you’ve started a rhythm of bobbing your head and swirling your tongue and pumping your hand down his thick length. The noises leaving your mouth are sinful—slurping and sucking and whining around him. Namjoon’s got a hand on the back of your head, holding your hair in a makeshift ponytail and coaxing your bouncing head further down his cock.

 “Oh, shit, baby,” he grits through a tight jaw. “I’m gonna cum baby girl, fuuuuckkk—oh god, yes baby, just like that.”

 You slurp and swallow around his cock as much as you can, head bobbing at a frantic pace while you cast your eyes upwards to the man to watch him come apart. He meets your eye contact and loses it at the fire burning in your beautiful eyes.

 “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he gasps as his cock pulses. “Cumming, baby—ohhhh, shit, take it all, baby.”

 After slowing your pace completely, you sweetly moan around his length as his salty cum splatters on your tongue. Bringing Namjoon to climax with your mouth is already one of your favorite hobbies, and you’re desperate to do it again.

 When he’s completely spent in your mouth, you pop off carefully and present your tongue to your boyfriend, who smiles.

 “You gonna swallow my cum, baby girl?” He asks, cupping your cheek sweetly.

 You nod in reply, and he groans as he watches you close your mouth and visibly swallow his load.

 “Fuck, that was so hot. Fucking kiss me already,” he demands, pulling you up gently by the hand and pressing his mouth to yours. He doesn’t care if he can taste himself still lingering in your mouth. In fact, he thinks your mouth should always taste like him.

 Namjoon holds you close as he kisses you, tongue diving around and seeking purchase in your mouth. His hands are roaming your body, cupping your breasts and caressing your curves. He can’t get enough. He doesn’t think there will come a time in his life when he won’t love touching you.

 His hand smoothes over the satin of your panties and he smirks into the kiss as he feels how wet they are.

 “Oh my,” he tuts as he rubs at your clothed slit. “All this from sucking my cock, princess?”

 It’s too late to be ashamed of it. You simply nod and whimper as his thick fingers rub at your core. You’re dying to feel those fingers inside you, scissoring you open to prepare you for his massive cock.

 “P-please,” you gasp, needing more of him. “Please, Joon.”

 He lets out a breath of contentment, loving the way his name sounds in your breathy moans. In one quick swoop, he flings your panties off and onto the floor and slides down to his knees where you knelt moments before.

 “I want to see this pretty pussy up close,” he murmurs as he lays you out at the edge and spreads open your thighs as wide as he can. 

 You’re gorgeous, absolutely mouth-watering. He licks his lips as he watches your folds drip with arousal and takes a delicate finger to trace the slit gently.

 “Fuck,” you gasp as he swirls his finger around your sensitive clit. It’s been so long since someone else has made you orgasm, you’re sure you won’t last a second with the man of your sexual dreams face-first in your cunt.

 “This is my pussy now,” he states as he leans in close and licks a fat stripe from your hole to your clit. “I’m going to make you cum every fucking night, baby. Gonna claim this cunt as my own.”

 You’re trembling from his words and his actions as he soon buries his face into your pussy and eats as if he’s a man starved. His tongue swirls around your hole before swiping up to your clit, making your back arch and keen off the bed. His lips wrap around your throbbing clit and sucks gently, lewd noises echoing off the walls of the bedroom.

 “Namjoon!” You squeal as he slides two of his fingers inside you and slowly pumps. They’re thick and perfect, and they’re better than you could have ever dreamed.

 “Cum for me, baby,” he coaxes as he licks at your clit. “I know you want to.”

 He’s right. You’re desperate for it and the string inside your belly that tightens with each thrust of his solid fingers has it nearing a snapping point.

 Namjoon speeds up, adds a third finger and fucks into you like a man on a mission. He watches your face pinch in agonized delight and is hypnotized by the way your tits bounce with each thrust up. His cock is rock solid again, aching to bury itself deep inside your womb and coat you with his cum.

 “That’s it, baby girl,” he breathes as he watches your body quiver. “Cum on my fingers, let daddy see you fall apart.”

 He presses his lips to your clit one last time and sucks, and it sends you reeling over the edge into bliss. Namjoon moans as he feels your cunt convulse and squeeze his fingers as if they’re his cock, and he nearly whines at how good it’s going to feel when he’s balls deep inside of you.

 “Fuck!” You cry as your back lifts off the bed and your legs shake. “Oh, my god!”

 Namjoon kitten licks at your pussy as you come down, cleaning up the juices that coat his fingers. He doesn’t break eye contact with you as he does it, sucking up your essence like it’s an expensive wine he won’t waste a drop of.

 “You’re so fucking sexy,” he says as you try to catch your breath. “I can’t wait to fuck you in my office.”

 The smile on your face turns lustful as you spread your legs open once again and present yourself to him.

 “Why don’t we practice right now?”

 Namjoon grips the base of his cock and gives himself a few pumps as he stares at your gorgeous body—laid out and ready for him.

 “Merry Christmas to me,” he murmurs as he presses a kiss to your lips and lines himself up.

 In one swift motion, he slips inside your juicy channel and buries himself to the hilt. You’re so wet and warm and tight that Namjoon falters and groans out loud.

 “Holy shit,” he cries. “Sweetest fucking pussy I’ve ever felt in my life.”

 Namjoon filling you up to the brim is something you’ve only ever dreamt of, and now that it’s happening you feel intoxicated. He’s so thick inside you, stretching you past what you thought you could handle, and the burn is so sweet.

 “Fuck me, Joon,” you beg as he continues to still inside you. “Please, fuck me, daddy.”

 It’s the magic word for Namjoon and instantly he’s snapped back to feral, ready to claim you as his own. He grips your hips tightly as he pumps in and out of you, delighted by the squelching juicy sounds of your cunt as he takes you.

 “That’s right, baby girl, I’m your fucking daddy,” he grunts. “Take this fat cock for daddy.”

 Your legs quiver with each thrust and Namjoon sucks a nipple into his mouth, nibbling gently on the bud which makes your body thrum with electricity. He’s marking you, claiming you inside and out, you realize. You whine and keen for him to continue, and Namjoon growls as he doubles his pace. 

 He thrusts into you without abandon, desperately seeking his release that will have him spilling his cum anywhere he possibly can.

 “Mmm, look at my pretty princess,” he groans as he stares at your blissed-out face. “Taking daddy’s cock so good, being a perfect little slut.”

 His words make your eyes roll back into your head. You’d never had someone speak so nasty to you while being so kind and praise-worthy that you don’t think you can now ever live without it.

 “G-gonna cum, daddy!” you cry as you feel your body nearing the edge. “Please let me cum!”

 Namjoon gasps for air and drops a thumb to your clit to rub circles on the sensitive bundle.

 “Yes, baby girl, cum for daddy. Cum on my cock, princess.”

 Namjoon’s unrelenting pace and thumb handily stroking your clit brings you to the end, sending you screaming into orgasmic delight.

 Namjoon nearly weeps at how good your cunt feels convulsing around his cock, walls coaxing him and gripping him tight as if your pussy is begging for his own release. 

 “Cum inside me daddy, please,” you beg as you try to catch your breath. 

 Namjoon needs no more permission. He gasps as your channel tightens around him impossibly and sends him into his own release. He whimpers as his cock pulses with ferocity, loads of cum splattering your walls.

 He doesn’t pull out. Instead, he rests his sweaty forehead on yours as you both try to catch your breath.

 “Holy shit,” you gasp as you feel yourself returning to Earth.

 Namjoon laughs and presses a kiss to your lips, before nodding.

 “Yeah,” is all he can manage.

 After a few shuddering breaths, you wrap your arms around your boyfriend’s naked body and hold him close, as close as you can.

 “If this is what Christmas is all about, sign me up.”

 Namjoon buries his face into your neck and kisses you sweetly, before lifting and giving you a playful smile.

 “I guess all Scrooge needed was a good fuck. Dickens got that part all wrong.”

Returning to work after the New Year was easier this year than it had ever been in your career.

 Namjoon was given the promotion. He told Seokjin he wanted to keep his corner office near you because he “likes the view”, and that he would give all his top cases to the best lawyer in the office—you.

 Jimin won’t stop screaming when he sees the diamond ring on your finger. You haven’t wanted to take it off since the moment you put it on. Maybe it’s not an engagement ring quite yet, maybe it’s just more of a promise. Either way, Jimin is ecstatic and confused as he shakes you down for answers.

 He walks with you to your desk, chattering away about his week with Yoongi, while you sip your convenience store coffee.

 “What the fuck?” Jimin asks as he notices something on your desk. “What is that?”

 As you round the corner, your eyes catch sight of a gleaming silver contraption on your desk, right next to your brand new computer.

 A Nespresso.

 A smile crosses your lips as you approach the expensive machine and notice a folded up card on top.

 Inside, the card is simple.

 “To the only girl in the world who deserves a Nespresso. Love, Namjoon.”

taglist - @ardoren​ @devilion14​ @bykookie​ @rageyoudamnednerd​ @holynamtiddies​ @thejooncrew​ @dee-ehn​ @yrc1963 @fireheart2003​

[ruthlesslistener]

Regarding PK's reactions to his kids relationships, how in the world did Quirrel end up helping Hollow out with their heats or just generally being around and what was PK's overall reaction for the two becoming QPPs?

From my own hunch I could definitely see Hornet perhaps harassing Quirrel as well to a degree for at least awhile given how protective she is over her sibling (as vis versa regarding Hollow harassing Lace as you mentioned previously, both siblings look out for each other it seems), though I have no clue how their father might react to that whole idea that Hollow can indeed make relationships on their own in just a complex way as anyone else, let alone with Quirrel.

It's fun to theorize and further 'torment' the fork manlet over the causes and effects of his actions (and lack thereof). That, and seeing Hollow and co being happy for at least a few instances, juicy angst aside.

Well, to put it quite simply- he didn't react at all, because by the time that actually became a problem, he was trying to be dead. I haven't played around with Quirrelhollow too much (partially bc I'm worried about people side-eyeing it and the way I write it), but the whole QPP/FWB deal didn't actually fully come about until post-canon simply because Hollow didn't have to worry about their heat cycles until AFTER they recovered from the ordeal of the Black Egg Temple. I headcanon that Quirrel and Hollow met when they were both around 15, which was too young for Hollow's heats to start in full, and when they were actually due for a proper hormone cycle at ~mentally and physically age 20, the stress from being the Pure Vessel put them on hold. And then, of course, being trapped in the Black Egg Temple with a goddess in your brain doing her damned best to kill you is pretty much stress incarnate, so that + the lack of soul available also removed their heat cycle altogether. So it's not until after their body has healed and they're no longer being treated like a lifeless puppet that something like heat becomes a problem, which takes a long enough recovery time for Hollow and Quirrel to have built up a relationship as god and favored mortal.

PK also had no idea that Quirrel and Hollow struck up a sort of bond when he was alive, as the whole reason why he allowed them to interact in the first place was because Monomon would take her adoptive son everywhere when he was training to be her assistant, so it was more useful to just stick the teenage pillbug next to the similarly-teenaged vessel and just tell him to practice his tutoring skills on them, as they had been proven to be 'pure' at that point. And if he DID figure out what was going on in the Dream Realm, then he would just mourn the fact that he hadn't seen their connection earlier, and subjected Hollow to centuries of suffering. Gods picking a favorite mortal for being close to their aspect (and having an intimate relationship with said mortal) is pretty much a natural aspect to living as a Higher Being, and since Hollow was well on their way to full ascension by the time they met Quirrel, it wouldn't have been surprising for them to gravitate towards him and then fully accept him as theirs post-release from the Temple, when they were a fullblooded God of Nothingness. He absolutely would not intervene, since that's territory that he has no right to walk upon, but he would most certainly hate himself for missing all the little indicators that his child was alive instead of deliberately ignoring them out of a desperation to stop an inevitable apocalypse.

As for Hornet, she's suspicious but keeps her mouth shut. Idk, I just dont really like the whole harassing people about their partners sorta deal. Hollow's an adult and has been for at least 200 years, just because they've been sheltered on account of not being seen as a living being doesn't mean they're incapable of making their own decisions, so their baby sister acting like a sort of guardian figure over them makes me pretty uncomfortable. She's protective over them, but Hollow is her elder, so even if she's suspicious of Quirrel, she'd still respect their pick of consort.

[lexpressobean]

Headcanon: The Aburame Clan is Actually just as Bad as The Hyuuga Clan, but Aburame Branches act like Special Tributaries, not Condemmed Slaves

I just love the Aburame clan peeps okay? I love Shino, and Shibi, and Torune, and Muta, and Bug Ninjas are just so up my fucking alley, y'all don't even know. But as I expand my version of Aburame Clan Lore for my own enjoyment, I had a thought. Am I fully invested in this headcanon? Naw, I just thought it might be an interesting take but it's also partially fanfic too. I decided to share it anyways because why not?

Edit: oops I thought I had added a read more line.

••

Despite the obvious consanguinous marriage going on in the NartVerse, Shibi married Kiyo Hibiki (oc #1), a strong and accomplished kunoichi in her own right, but essentially a "village girl" with no historical prestige about her name. This was a rare instance of a complete outsider marrying into the clan, and even rarer, it was out of love. Because of this, Shibi refused to marry his predetermined fiance, which was his 4th cousin (oc #2) named Sarin. Sarin was the older sister of Yasushi (oc #3), who was also the last Formal Master of Kochu and Yoji Aburame's mother.

The main purpose of the coupling was simply a pattern that had developed over the clan's history to keep up the Main Familial line's pedigree in check and favorable. Unlike Dojutsu wielding clans, where Potency of the single Dojutsu is coveted, The Aburame clan has multiple branch families that specialize in certain traits and characteristics that are helpful to an Insect Weilding Shinobi, and many families specialize in specific Insect Usage for generations indefinitely. The Aburame clan is actually HUGE as a result. However, Kikaichu are the most coveted as they live off of and manipulate Chakra. Kikaichu Tolerance is a must for Clanhead Descendants.

Example: Lady Kakine (Shino's Pat. Grandmother/oc #4) was the daughter of the Aburame Clanhead and a Rinkaichu Master of that generation. Lady Kakine had a younger brother named Kachio (oc #5) who became the father of Shikuro Aburame.

Shibi and Shikuro were first cousins, and Shibi has evey ability to tolerate Rinkaichu as well. But like Kakine herself, who was the first "renewal" of that specific trait in a while, he was dismissed from Rinkaichu and was made to focus on Mastery of Kikaichu, the bread and butter of the clan.

The only exceptions to the rule made were if a coupling helped bring prestige to the clan, as with Lady Kakine and Lord Taibi Aburame (oc #6) a non-hive individual (*bad trait*), yet a member who built rapport with the Third Hokage as an accomplished ANBU operative with a special Hanekakushi Summoning (*compensation and benefit* **These were the leaders first bestowed Noble Status too, after defeating the Kamizuru Clan in defense of Konoha**)

***This is why Shibi was the one who took Torune in after Shikuro died. I REFUSE to believe Torune was left a touch starved orphan, LET SHIBI HUG TORUNE***

Because Shibi broke family tradition (not that Sarin minded, she and Shikuro HAD been a thing and also maybe most definitely encouraged Shibi to follow his heart because they were happy for him???) Shino was born with a muddled pedigree that definitely ruined a good amount of the Main Familial Line's poison resistance for one thing (Rinkaichu venom included). However, Kikaichu Tolerance IS what makes the Aburame clan, and has been so heavily emphasized that Shino showed no immediate or latent signs of intolerance. Shino also sparred heavily with other members as a child to test such things, especially with a non-hive member named Chiaki (oc #7), 3 years his senior and a Yellow Hornet/Apoidea specialist. Shino got stung a LOT. But at least he was able to tough it out lmao. That's all the clan elders cared about. Chiaki hated causing Shino pain, but also didn't want to lose more of his own insects to those monstrous Kikaichu than he had too.

Shino is currently recognized as Shibi's heir, but Shino had to WORK SO DAMN HARD to earn that fucking recognition. This is partially why Shino was so... asocial even as a young child, and so full of self doubt and anxiety when it came to simply being able to be CONFIDENT in himself and his abilities. He wasn't hated by his own clan, but older clan members were NOT the most approving of him. But they better have kept their opinions to themselves, because Shibi was an absolute horror to deal with when provoked. Younger clan members absolutely LOVE/D Kiyo and by association, couldn't bring themselves to ever see Shino in a negative light. So his mom was a commoner, what of it!?

Traditionally, Aburame couples with Specializations will have two children when that specific trait/characteristic is chosen to be the next add-on to the Main Familial Line. One child would be offered as a tribute and the other would continue that specific family's legacy. And as it was a pattern among many known and unknown traits of the Aburame clan, members could usually predict when a specific trait/characteristic would be in demand. It is considered an honor to be a Tribute, yet it is also an extremely tense time for the family of the tribute to the say the very least. Not to mention dehumanizing. But that's what makes Shino so special, he was made out of Love <3.

Bonus Headcanons for sticking around this long lol:

•Shibi passed Fire Release to Shino while Kiyo, passed Earth Release to Shino

•Shibi has deep viridian green eyes, Kiyo has bright golden brown eyes, so Shino has shimmering hazel green eyes, or the more flowery version, Shino has Central Heterochromia with outer green and inner brown and brown specks too!

•Shino is quite a literal mix of his parents in general <3

•Shino has a predetermined fiance of his own, but is TRYING to put that shit off for as long as possible. His fiance, Moya (oc #8) highly respects Shino but is in mutual agreement. Her trait is Venom resistance via Exposure, and as an adult works specifically as Konoha Hospital's Resident Toxicologist under Eirou Nara (oc #9), a lead Pharmacist within the Hospital. Shino and Moya have a good, but awkward relationship. If Torune were still alive, he'd ABSOLUTELY tease Shino AND Moya about it.

• I just like creating drama, man, it's kinda fun in it's own way.

So yeah, food for thought. Because as fun as it is play around with Kekkei Genkai in theory, all and all, being part of a clan must totally suck.

[fan-clan-fun]

Canon Clans Suffixes (with name changes)

Because I find it fun to scrutinize “The Sacred Texts” with a scalpel and a magnifying glass, I like to revamp little things like naming. So here’s my attempt at giving some iota of consistency to this messy world we love. My goals here are to stick to traditionalism, but also throw in some suffixes I personally love and give them meanings. I’ll also include some canon cats whose names I’ve changed to fit this system.

Lovely! Its always helpful to see personal interpretations and preferences for suffixes, everybody has a few they really like!

-claw: a skilled fighter. Classic pick. Cats who get this include Tigerclaw, Hornetclaw (Bramble-), Lionclaw (-blaze), Shrikeclaw (Ivypool), and Juniperclaw.

I see you are changing a lot of the prefixes as well! I do admit I like Shrike and Hornet as prefixes, and Shrikeclaw does seem to fit her quite well.

-cloud: a calm, easygoing cat. Also a classic. Whitestorm has been renamed Whitecloud to fit this and Tree’s clan name is Ashcloud.

-face: a particularly handsome or beautiful cat. I gave this name to Amberface (Berrynose), Tipface (Stemleaf), and Mothface (-wing)

Honestly giving Berrynose a name with the -face suffix would help to explain a lot of the stuff involving him lol. 

-fang: good fighter and good hunter. From what I heard, Sparkpelt seemed to need this suffix, so she’s renamed Sparkfang. I don’t know who else would earn this though.

-feather: a medicine cat skilled at reading omens. This is my standard pick. It also lets me keep names like Goosefeather and lets Jayfeather keep his suffix (but he’s renamed to Juniperfeather). Shadowsight also gets this suffix, becoming Shadefeather.

An interesting choice, though I am curious as to why this one was chosen (besides name consistency), what is the reasoning behind it? Do omens often come in the shape of birds? What connects -feather to spirituality?

-flower: a nurturing cat. Many cats get this name. Cloudflower (Moon-), Snowflower (-fur), Willowflower (-breeze) Goldenflower, Aspenflower (Ferncloud), Whiteflower (-wing), Daisyflower, and the one notable tom case, Rockflower (Fernsong).

Pretty standard, although I do like that you give Fernsong a -flower name. I may not have read the arcs past Omen of the Stars but he does have that reputation of being a nurturer.

-foot: a fast cat, also a classic. Spiderleg becomes Spiderfoot and Harespring becomes Harefoot.

-fur/pelt: a cat with nothing really notable about them. Alderheart, Tigerheart, and Kestrelflight become Alderpelt, Adderpelt, and Kestrelfur respectively. Bluestar’s warrior name is still Bluefur.

-heart: a cat with strong morals. Rookheart (Hollyleaf), Rimeheart (Bristlefrost), Mudheart (Hawkfrost), and Smokeheart (Cinder-) all get this suffix, as does Fireboy over here.

I am so glad that you have given both Holly and Hawk the -heart suffix, I think it really does fit them quite well. I will probably fiddle with names a bit when the times come as well for my own writing and giving these two the -heart suffix is one of my plans.

-leaf: a medicine cat skilled in the healing aspect of their job. Spottedleaf got this one, as did Speckledleaf (Brambleberry), Fireleaf (Flametail), and Willowleaf (-shine). I think they may shake things up a little with -root and/or -berry and/or -bark.

Out of curiosity, why would only medicine cats shake it up a little with suffixes? It seems like none of the other suffixes have any of the same meaning.

-nose: an intuitive cat skilled in tracking. Only two notable characters get this, Dovenose and Maplenose (Leafpool).

I actually think these name changes work quite well, and do fit Dove’s power and her abilities.

-path: a cat with an affinity for mentoring. I noticed Rosepetal had five apprentices, so I gave her the name Rosepath.

I’ve heard whispers that -path was used by some people as a mentoring suffix, which is really cool!

-storm: a cat with a turbulent disposition, also classic. Crowstorm (-feather) and Beetlestorm (Breezepelt) get this, as does Dapplestorm (Blossomfall).

I mean the suffix sure does fit those cats.

-stream: a strong swimmer. Silverstream gets this obviously. Not sure who else would get it though because I’m only including it for traditionalism’s sake. It’s not one I’m particularly fond of.

Thats interesting, Im curious as to why? Maybe another suffix like -creek or -leg would be preferable if you dont like the sound?

-stripe: a tabby with distinct stripes. Graystripe gets this and so does Honeystripe (-fern). There’s also -speck and -spots for the other tabby types

-tail: an agile cat, very classic. A lot of cats get this. Cherrytail (Squirrelflight), Birchtail (-fall), Wisteriatail (Twigbranch), Honeytail (Heather-), and a bunch of bg characters with -spring, -leap, or -flight in their names.

-throat: a skilled orator, linguist, bard, storyteller, or just a well-spoken cat. This is a very rare suffix and no notable characters get this.

So I am actually very curious about this, because if a suffix is so rare, that you cant name a cat in the series at all to have it, why is it on the list? Would any cat even remember it if isnt in use? What kind of requirements would you have to have for this suffix, since I cant imagine that there would be many (if any) teenagers/young adults who could be considered masters of speech or storytelling at the 12 moons most cats get their warrior names at. I would suggest if you want to keep a suffix on the list, it should have at least one usage in the clans, else they would forget about it. 

-whisker: a prudent hunter. I can’t think of anyone I changed to -whisker on the spot.

And here are some other suffixes I’m indecisive on.

-pad or -shade could be a stealthy cat. Even if I accepted one or the other, it’d be hard to pin down who would get this.

Personally I do think that having a stealth suffix is a pretty good way to expand a more traditional system, because its also a very useful skill. While it can be used in hunting (and some might say a whisker cat is by nature stealthy), a stealthy cat has a separate but partially overlapping set of skills. It does seem like you havent gone through all the names in the many many books so far, so I am sure there are a few cats somewhere who could have qualified for this suffix if you choose to keep it. 

Considering -ear or -eye to mean a skilled scout, but that’s overlapping a lot with -nose’s territory, so I’m hesitant in including it.

I agree with you when it comes to -nose, and since -nose already seems to be uncommon, I would think sticking with nose is sufficient. 

I considered -stone for the meaning of “a very loyal and dedicated cat”. Not sure about it.

I do like -stone as well, but unless you have a specific cat in mind I probably wouldnt include it. 

I’m thinking -pool could be for a wise cat, but I’m not sure about that.

-shine is a cute suffix, but it’s rather hard to work with because it doesn’t mesh well with a lot of prefixes. I could use it to mean “upbeat and cheerful” and give it to Briarlight, but it’s not exactly easy to work with.

-frost is an amazing suffix, but it’s sort of the opposite of -shine. It sounds good with a lot of prefixes, but it’s hard to pin down a meaning for it.

I really like -light as a suffix but dang if it isn’t a monster to work with. It has -shine and -frost’s problems, but I really like it and don’t want to give up on it.

-breeze is a pretty solid suffix, but I’m afraid it’ll be redundant. -foot is pretty solid and I can’t really change that because traditionalism. Maybe it’s like -fang? I’m not sure.

Similarly, I like -thorn and -blaze as suffixes, but they’re pretty hard to work with when you already have names that fill their niches and have the “one suffix per meaning” rule that stricter traditionalism has.

Yeah I see your concern for most these last suffixes. As lovely as they are, unless they have a good solid place in you writing, and cats you can immediately think of using for their names, I wouldnt be too worried about incorporating them into your clans.

Anyway, there’s my suffix list! I hope you enjoyed! And if you have any suggestions, please let me know because I am not bright. Thank you!

[ohwereusingourmadeupnames]

starker => “You will never do something more embarrassing than that love poem you wrote when we were 13 and read out in front of the whole school.”

Take Me Home 

Pairing: Peter Parker/Tony Stark (Starker) Rating: Mature (M) Word Count: ~4.5k Notes: Nonnie, this immediately brought me back to my high school friends and all the memories they like to bring up at the worst possible time. I hope you enjoy what I did with it.  Warnings: A brief section of NSFW stuff (though not explicit), mentions of homophobia Summary: 

Peter ran from home after turning 18 with a very willing Tony Stark right there with him. They manage to create a beautiful home in Manhattan in the 10 years since they left. Find out what happens when Peter gets the invitation for their 10-year reunion! 

do the thing - send in all the prompts.

For 10 perfect years, Peter didn’t have to think about his hometown. In each of those glorious years, Peter enjoyed the hustle and bustle of Manhattan with the gorgeous man he snuck away with all that time ago. He turned his back on the aunt and uncle that took him in, all of his friends, and the prejudices that came with being different in a town that did not accept anything other than in-line and on the “right” path.

Tony, the beautiful human that he was, rolled with the punches and followed Peter when he decided to leave it all behind. They waited until they both were 18, packed all of the things they could realistically bring with them and left Alabama for New York without looking back. Luckily, Tony’s father left him with a big inheritance and the brains to do big things. It made going to a brand-new place easier on them both – Peter didn’t have to worry about dealing with a grumpy Tony that didn’t feel like he was adequately providing and they both got to explore all of the academic and business pursuits they could possibly dream of.

And they absolutely did. Peter spent 5 years at TISCH getting an undergraduate and graduate degree in Computer Animation and Design – the program allowed him to intern at a video game company his last year in school and walk into a job a couple of days after graduation.

Tony went to NYU and double majored in both Mechanical Engineering and Entrepreneurship. After graduation, he put some time into opening a technology business that would later incorporate Peter’s design skills into the foundation. He pursued a master’s in Management of Technology to further his programing skills a couple of years later.

Throughout their schooling, Peter and Tony lived in a 2-bedroom apartment with an open living room and a balcony that overlooked Central Park. In terms of being young and in-love, they didn’t struggle to be happy together – each person got to do what they wanted and live in a place that didn’t give a damn if Peter wrapped an arm around Tony’s shoulders or pressed a kiss to his now mustache covered lips.

It shouldn’t have worked – stealing away in the middle of the night like thieves; but it did. 8 years after getting to the city, Tony got down on one knee in the middle of the house they spent a ridiculous amount of time picking out and making just right. There wasn’t anything in it yet, but the prospect of filling it up with future memories was too good not to be doing it as husbands.

Their wedding was small and took place in the courthouse with a couple of their closest friends standing by as witnesses to the small union between them. Aside from a quaint dinner, they didn’t spend much time getting too hyped about it. They’d been living together and in love for years, the ring just put a bit more permanence into their situation. Peter took the Stark last name and enjoyed getting to drop Parker the second he could make it happen.

To put it lightly, Peter hadn’t been happier. He got to work with his husband on a daily basis and do something that challenged his mind and interested him more and more as the projects grew and changed. After a couple of years of fiddling with a few things around the house, Peter finally felt good about the space they called their own, and finally – he convinced Tony to get a dog. The business was doing well, and they were on the verge of adding a bit more personnel to the crew – which meant a little more time spent outside of the office. That also meant more than enough opportunity to add a 3rd member to the Stark household.

Things were going so smoothly that it almost didn’t register to him, the invitation he got in his childhood email that he couldn’t bear to part with. It struck him to check it – something in the back of his mind told him to log in with the familiar keystrokes he typed so many times throughout his life. The fact that 10 years passed since they graduated high school momentarily made him feel a little old – he was approaching 30.

Shaking his head, Peter pulled his phone out of his pocket, his fingers trembling as he typed out a message to Tony. Their offices were just across the building, he could have easily walked there and crashed into a chair – but that took too much time and effort. The need to know whether his husband got the shocking little blast from the past drove him to hit send.

Peter Stark: Holy – did you get the invitation to the 10-year reunion? Peter Stark: I should have gotten rid of that email address like you told me to.

He flipped the phone over and tried to focus on logging out and getting the invitation away from his curious eyes – the more he looked at it, the more interested he became. They were really splurging with a 2-day stay at one of the nicest hotels in their sleepy little town. He could still distinctly remember prom and the elegant plan he and Tony made to sneak away and not be caught together. A soft smile slipped across his face, the thought of some of their time spent wrapped up in each other as young kids always made his heart flutter.

Tony Stark: No, unlike you, I don’t obsessively check old email addresses. Tony Stark: Did you talk yourself into going, yet?

Peter couldn’t help the laugh that slipped from his lips. The singular fact that his husband knew him so well was both a blessing and a curse. Deep down, he figured something would ignite the need/want to go back there. A 10-year class reunion never would have been his first guess, but it was as good of an excuse as any.

Peter Stark: Not yet, but it’s probably going to happen. Peter Stark: What do you think the best way to dramatically make an entrance is? Hold hands? Or just bump shoulders as we walk in?

Tony Stark: I know. It’s okay – I don’t mind. Tony Stark: I think the fact that we’re there at all will be enough, but if you’re really shooting to drop a few jaws, I could dip you back and stick my tongue down your throat. That will really drive the point home.

Peter Stark: You never did. Peter Stark: Maybe you should just dump me over the table and take me right there in front of everyone. Peter Stark: You’re an ass. Peter Stark: But I love you.

The back and forth of their text exchange carried Peter all the way through lunch where he walked into Tony’s office and sat down on the edge of his desk. “I guess we’re going to Alabama,” Peter muttered, his arms crossing. For whatever reason, going back and proving himself seemed important – even if it meant doing the one thing he never wanted to do to begin with – come out to the narrow-minded people he grew up with.

Tony stepped in front of him, his arms wrapping around his hips without hesitation. ‘It’ll be okay,” Tony whispered as he leaned in to press a kiss to Peter’s forehead. “Could be fun, too.”

Grimacing, Peter tilted his head until their lips were pressing together. He distracted himself with the luscious slide of his lips against Tony’s, the wet exchange a much better thing to focus on, anyway.

----

In the month leading up to the reunion, Peter went back and forth between going and not going at least once a day. After the first week of it, Tony stopped playing along and went about making plans like the reasonable adult that he was. They had an early morning flight in the day the reunion started and that same flight on the way home. It seemed safe to get out as quickly as they could if things went sour. In the furthest parts of his deepest bits, Peter hoped it wouldn’t be as torturous as he remembered it being during the early part of his life.

Looking back at it now, Peter figured a lot of the negative feelings he harbored towards his hometown came from the fact that he never felt comfortable in his own skin there. He knew at an early age that being open about the fact that boys did it for him wasn’t really an option – not if he wanted to make it through the social hornet’s nest that was high school. Peter didn’t want to suffer and when Tony came into the picture, it became even more important to keep living under the radar.

The thought of not only going back to the place that caused him so many sleepless nights but arriving with a previous male classmate made a brick of anxiety sit in the pit of his belly – the internal conflict he was fighting just as embarrassing as it was frustrating. Since getting to New York, Peter hadn’t felt an ounce of shame for the way he lived his life – he didn’t want to put that stain on his good thing with Tony now.

Peter spent the entire day before their trip packing his bag and fretting over all of the things that could go wrong. In an obvious attempt to escape the boiling over anxiety, Tony checked into work for a couple of hours to give Peter a bit of time to collect himself before they headed out. It seemed to help, too – by the time Tony got back, Peter felt a lot better about the entire thing. If push came to shove, they didn’t have to go. Though, he knew he probably wouldn’t forgive himself if, in a moment of weakness, he let himself cop out.

In true Tony Stark fashion, his husband made sure it didn’t come to that. After getting out of the shower, Tony ordered them food and let Peter eat most of the noodles, because they were his favorite. When all of the food was gone, Tony turned on a mindless movie and went about taking Peter’s clothes off one by one, his sneaky fingers and skillful mouth pulling all of his worries out a nip and kiss at a time.

Sleep after getting fucked out of his mind was never short of wonderful – Peter didn’t wake up once in a fit of anxiousness like he took to doing the two nights before. Tony kept the arm he wrapped around Peter’s hip there until the first snooze went off, then they started getting ready for the day. Peter knew that Tony wouldn’t function right until after a shower and coffee, so he forced himself out of bed and tugged his husband right along with him.

After 2 shots of espresso for the both of them, Peter and Tony collected their bags and got an Uber to take them to the airport. For Peter, it felt like a long time since the last time he flew in an airplane – Tony did most of the company traveling. Peter liked it better that way.

The check-in process was easy in the morning, they were through the security line with more than an hour to space. Since there were only a few gates open, Peter pulled Tony along until they found a Dunkin’ Donuts open near their stopping point to snag another cup of coffee for the wait.

Sitting down at their gate, Tony laid his head on Peter’s shoulder, the man occasional lifting his arm to bring the coffee cup to his lips. It felt like a nice calm before the storm of whatever awaited them back home. The last shred of nervousness told him to run while he still could – yet, the heavy weight of Tony on his arm kept him in his seat and later buckled into the airplane, 31,000 feet in the air.

Peter spent most of the flight running his hand through Tony’s hair, who, after 3 big hits of caffeine, still managed to fall asleep. It amazed him, how calm Tony could be at a time like this. He figured that even the locals had to get bubbly guts at the thought of seeing people who hadn’t been in their town or even lives for more than a decade. Things like that really put time in perspective.

Touchdown into the Atlanta airport had Peter shaking Tony awake – his husband’s sleepy brown eyes now a lot clearer after a couple extra hours of sleep. Just in case, Tony slipped his purple tinted glasses over his eyes as they headed off the plane. Renting a car took a few minutes and before Peter was ready, he was in the passenger seat a couple hours away from stumbling back into the snake pit that they called home.

In exchange for Tony sleeping on the plane, Peter kicked back and spent the 2-hour drive in a fitful sleep. Every time they slowed down, even a little, his eyes blinked open – like maybe the world was coming to an end, or something. About 10 minutes out, Peter woke up for good and fixed the seat back of the rental, his eyes widening in realization that nothing looked any different.

“How has 10 years past without a single thing changing?” Peter mumbled, his arms crossing in a gesture that screamed self-defense. It was this place – it brought it out of him.

Tony chuckled and reached a hand between them to grab one of Peter’s so he could lace their fingers together. “It’s a small town, Pete. We’ll be some of the only people who didn’t leave,” Tony said softly, the truth in his words sinking into the space between them. Their hands stayed tangled together until Tony needed his back to park.

His stomach tightened up when they got out of the car and started to wheel their bags towards the hotel’s entrance. In all of his time in New York, Peter got spoiled by architecture that made the brain question whether it was truly seeing what was in front of it. His memories made this place look like the Taj Mahal, when really – it was just a small hotel masking itself as something fancier. Satisfied that he felt more in control of his nervousness, Peter walked up to the front desk confidently.

Even after being married for the past couple of years, Peter never got tired of calling himself a Stark. Telling the person behind the counter the reservation name made him feel even more powerful – what was the use of approaching the situation like he was scared; Tony made him strong, the least he could do was act like it.

Despite that increase in conviction, Peter was happy that they didn’t run into anyone on their way up to their room – the soft outpouring of breath when the door shut behind him pulled a laugh from Tony, his husband already moving to wrap strong arms around him.

“You’ve got the cutest little furrow between your eyebrows. I can sense the frustration, Petey. It’s going to be okay,” Tony whispered, his lips caressing the shell of Peter’s ear. “If it sucks, we can come back and crash – it’s no big deal.”

Though the reassurance felt good to have, Peter shook his head, his own arms moving to wrap around Tony’s shoulders. Pressing their lips together, Peter calmed himself with Tony’s touch, his husband using their closeness to his advantage to run his palm over the bare skin of Peter’s back. “I’m nervous. Just don’t leave me alone all night and I think it’ll be just fine.”

Letting his nose travel over Peter’s cheek and then down his neck, Tony did a good job distracting him, the scratch of his facial hair pulling a moan from his chest. “You’re crazy if you think I’m going anywhere by myself,” Tony panted out against his neck, his breath sending a tickle down Peter’s spine.

“Want me to distract you for a little while?” Tony asked, his head pulling back to catch Peter’s eye. There was mischief and the first hints of arousal in the syrupy cognac of his eyes. Tony’s flush did him in – the spread of it across sharp cheek bones heart stopping.

Peter nodded his head eagerly, a huge smile spreading across his cheeks when Tony wasted no time dropping down to his knees. His fingers made quick work of the button and zipper of Peter’s jeans, the tips of his fingers diving into the front of tight boxer-briefs without any preamble.

After a quick shift, Tony pressed his face in the same space his hand was a moment ago, a long exhale heard from above. Eager fingers moved to the waistband of tight jeans before sinking under them and pushing until the fabric pooled at his ankles. Moving back just enough to help Peter step out of his converse, Tony tugged off Peter’s jeans and underwear – the man inhaling deeply at the nakedness on display.

“You’re gorgeous, Peter – it blows my mind every time I get some evidence dangled under my nose,” Tony babbled, his hands running up Peter’s thighs as he spoke. They settled on Peter’s hips, fingertips digging into the skin and gripping tightly. Peter knew that meant not to thrust – Tony wanted free reign to play without being disturbed.

Soft lips trailed kisses across the line of Peter’s hip, starting at one prominent bone and ending at the other. Tony poked his tongue out and let it trail that same path back then down the well-kept nest of curls that led to Peter’s quickly hardening erection. His adventure stopped when the tip of his tongue ended just under the head. Lips wrapped around him then, the shock of it pulling a shriek from Peter before he could control it.

Looking up, Tony pulled off and smirked at him. “Make all the noise you want,” he encouraged, his mouth returning to its task almost instantly. Tony slid his lips down until his nose was bumping against Peter’s stomach, the tip of an achy cock just barely grazing the back of his throat.

The swallow around him could be felt all over Peter’s skin, his eyes slamming shut to fight back against the sensation. The prickly stimulus was recognizable – Peter wasn’t a stranger to the pleasure that Tony could give to him. It didn’t usually come on so quickly, but who was he to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Like usual, Tony worked his magic, his husband dragging an orgasm out of him that made his knees buckle. If it weren’t for Tony’s hands on his hips, they both would’ve toppled to the floor. Peter gripped Tony’s shirt and brought him up to eye level. His hungry lips chased the taste of himself from Tony’s mouth, the slide of their tongues together enough to boil the heat in the pit of his stomach once again.

Peter attempted to reach between them to return the favor, but Tony was having none of it. “I’ll get mine later. That was for you,” Tony stated, his hand reaching between them to grip Peter’s and bring it up to his mouth. The soft kiss he planted on the back of it almost had his knees buckling under him, too. Tony had such an ability to be so fucking smooth.

Another kiss to the lips had Tony pulling back, a grin on his face. “I would like to take another shower before this shit starts, though – there’s something about airplane smell I’m just not a fan of.”

----

Looking in the mirror one last time before walking out the door, Peter felt pretty good about what he had on. His gray slacks sat nicely on his hips and hugged down his thigh and calf, ending just above his ankle. The black shoes went with the belt that he and Tony were both wearing. The blue short sleeve button down Peter had on juxtaposed Tony’s gray suit and blue shirt combo pretty perfectly – if the matching wedding rings and tangled hands didn’t do the trick, maybe the coordinating outfits would.

Tony wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him back against his chest – his lips finding Peter’s neck. “You look great. We look great, even,” Tony said, his eyes meeting Peter’s in the mirror. “Let’s go shock the hell out of a bunch of people.” His nose nuzzled against the hair at the back of Peter’s head, then his warmth was gone.

It took a couple more deep breaths to truly feel ready to walk out the door. His fingers were wrapped tightly around Tony’s when they stepped out, the grip he kept probably more than a little uncomfortable – but, Tony persisted, anyway. He kept Peter tightly by his side the entire elevator ride down and stepped in front of him when they got to the small table that Liz Allan was sitting in front of. Her eyes bugged for a second before she got her shit together and flashed the two of them a smile.

“Peter Parker – as I live and breathe,” Liz uttered, her eyes meeting his for a second, then flitting over to Tony. “And Tony Stark. Together. There was a little pool to see if either of you guys would come. No one ever expected your appearance to be together.” Her hands were quick to hand out the pre-made name tags, the words coming out of her mouth without thought.

Peter collected his and smirked at the last name on his badge. Noticing a Sharpie on the table, he grabbed it and crossed Parker out, replacing it quickly with Stark. The gasp that left Liz’s mouth when he slapped it on his shirt with a smile made the entire trip worth it – even if it all went to shit from there.

The squeeze of Tony’s hand when they walked into the banquet hall had Peter looking up, a gleam in his eye. “You just blew her mind,” Tony whispered, his mouth dipping dangerously close to Peter’s ear. “Proud of you.” A ghost of a kiss glanced his ear, Tony’s sneakiness never ending.

Before they could get any further into the room, Peter was stopped by a hand on his shoulder. Turning, his mouth widened into a soft smile on instinct, the sight of MJ not looking much different than when they were kids one of the best things to happen yet.

“Holy shit. It is you. How the hell are you?” MJ questioned, her hand staying exactly where it settled to start. She looked down at his hand and then up at the person connected to it, a smirk taking over her face. “Hey, Tony.”

A snort left his lips when Tony lifted a hand with a swift wave. He didn’t say anything else, but that’d always been the way those two were. In the rare times when Tony could get Peter to hang out with him around other people, Peter figured his husband put up with his friends just to get to be a part of that particular piece of his life.

Turning his attention back to MJ, Peter answered her question. “I’m really good. It’s weird to be here, but it’s nice to see you. More than nice,” His free hand reached up to cup her elbow, his fingers squeezing gently. “How are you? Are you still in town, or off changing the world somewhere else?”

A weird look flashed across her face then, her eyes hardening ever so slightly. “I totally forgot that you just left out of nowhere. I’m in the Boston area. I do financial planning for JP Morgan. It’s lucrative and lots of fun.” 

Taking a step back, MJ crossed her hands over her chest, her eyes trailing over him. “Please tell me you’re doing something with tech – or computers. Something cool that explains why you ditched and never said a word.”

The words stung, but each one was deserved. Peter felt Tony move a little closer to him, the man doing his best to be empathetic as quietly as he could. “I didn’t ditch. I left, MJ. I wanted to be with Tony and not have to feel embarrassed for it. It was the best thing to happen to me, I promise. I’m sorry. For hurting you.”

He wasn’t sure that was what she was looking for. In all of the years they were friends, he hadn’t been able to read her – that sure as hell wasn’t starting now. Instead of anger, however, he saw a genuine smile pull her lips up and to the corner of her eye; the slightest crinkle there new. “You will never do something more embarrassing than that love poem you wrote when we were 13 and read out in front of the whole school. Now that I know who it was for – that statement is even more true.”

Tony’s scoff had all three of them laughing – his husband’s sassiness never ceasing to be entertaining. “You said it wasn’t me you were talking about,” Tony said, his words pulling even more laughter from them.

Without worrying about the rest of the people around them, Peter wrapped an arm around Tony’s shoulders, the other’s arm sliding around his hips in return. “If I told you how long I had a crush on you, your head would be so big. There has to be a little moderation, Tony.”

And just like that, it felt like being back in high school – except this time, he didn’t have that debilitating fear that consumed him on a constant basis. How could he – Tony kept him close and took the hard questions when Peter didn’t want to or couldn’t deal. It wasn’t the nicest reception by everyone, but that wasn’t ever expected, anyway.

Tumbling into bed that night, Peter settled with his head against Tony’s chest, his hand settling across his firm stomach. “Thanks for coming back with me,” Peter mumbled, his lips pressing into the soft skin closest to him. “And for gently making sure it happened. I don’t know what I was so afraid of.”

At that, Tony’s wrapped him up, pulling him closer as he did. Peter felt lips against the hair on his head – the gust of breath from Tony’s nose rattling the strands. “The unknown, probably. It’s hard to want to venture out when you’ve been burned before. I’m happy we’re here – it was good to see you finally conquer this – the place and the people.” Tony finished his words with another press of his lips against Peter’s head.

“It’s good to do it,” Peter admitted, settling a little more firmly against Tony’s chest.

It wasn’t their home anymore and never would be, but maybe he didn’t have to leave all of the pieces behind, after all.

[atreya300]

Slenderman and Creating Real Tulpas

I remember a couple of years ago finding out about Slenderman.  It was so creepy that I looked into it a lot, especially when I heard the theory about Slenderman being a Tulpa.  As if he wasn’t creepy enough just by being a made up story on the Internet, kids were killing other kids, or stabbing other kids, in order to “please Slenderman”.  Clearly a game that they had invented and taken deadly seriously.

A Tulpa is an intended hallucination which can be sentient and have its own thoughts and personality.  It is (according to the Tulpa Community, but not, I may add, folkloric legend) only seen by the person who created it, who has done so by prolonged periods of thinking solely about what the tulpa looks like, talks like, moves like etc, thus developing, in essence, another person who is sharing their body and mind, but functions as a separate personality.  We know of lucid dreaming, as I have often done it myself.  We’re aware that our brains are more than capable of producing extremely real and vivid hallucinations.  

So is it entirely impossible that if enough people all put enough thought power into the creation of the same, singular individual, that a tulpa could be formed which could break free of the constraints of individual minds and be a person all of its own, with its own free will and the power to manipulate others?  I believe it is possible.  Call me crazy.  My tin foil hat is firmly in place.  It’s hilarious really when you consider that I laughed down the Flat Earthers, yet here I am saying that it’s possible to create an imaginary friend who can turn into a mind-bending, master manipulator.

I didn’t have many friends growing up.  So I was one of the kids who didn’t mind admitting that I had invented an imaginary friend.  His name was Bill and he was based off of Bill from ‘Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure’ because I was obsessed with that movie.  I would talk to him whilst walking home from school alone, ask him what he would do in my place during different situations that I was struggling with and he always had an answer that I imagined.  I would say, “Bill, do you think [insert boyfriend name here] is a dick?” and in my head he would instantly say, “Hell yeah he is, you need to dump his ass!”.  Of course, I never once thought that I had created another person.  It was my imaginary friend.  In my head.  Made up by me.  Well, me and Alex Winter.  His instant “responses” was just my own subconscious mind telling me what I really, truly felt, without having to consciously think about it.

Having perused the Tulpa Community it seems to be an extremely dangerous rabbit hole.  For one, what they are describing as “tulpas”, at best, mostly seem to be an adult version of an imaginary friend and at worst, a real mental health issue, possibly Dissociative Identity Disorder which is incredibly serious and is being passed off as something that is perfectly normal and almost a uncommon achievement to be able to create a tulpa, rather than the reality which is that there is real medical and psychological help out there for cases such as DID and it should certainly not be explained away as a deliberately induced imaginary friend who will solve all your problems for you.  Passing it off as such could potentially make the case even worse.  I’m not a psychologist.  I’m just using common sense. If you cultivate something, it grows.

So.  I have made a decision that I don’t buy into the Tulpa Community.  There are also a lot of comments on YouTube videos and forums that are quite blatantly people who are full of absolute shit and others who are just clearly attention seeking.  I thoroughly enjoyed the brilliant sarcastic responses to those comments.

Now let’s get serious (ish).  Bear with me.  Let’s get back to the theory of many people being able to collectively produce a tulpa.

As I said before, I became obsessed with Slenderman.  I watched videos (all of Marble Hornets), read newspaper articles, looked at pictures, read stories, until he became my every waking thought.  After a week and a half I developed sensations such as paranoia, racing heart, dizziness and the feeling of constantly being watched by something just out of the corner of my eye.  I began having horrific nightmares and would wake up drenched in sweat.  I stopped being able to lucid dream and wake myself up and was forced to play out the nightmares, helpless.  It got to the point where I didn’t want to sleep.  The times that my boyfriend had blessedly snored loudly enough to wake my conscious brain, I sat up in bed, exhausted, trying desperately to keep my eyes open and not fall back to sleep.  Every shadow in the bedroom seemed to resemble Slenderman and I was convinced that as soon as the lights got dim or it was dark, he was there in the shadows waiting.  I stopped going to bed before my boyfriend.  I didn’t want to be in the house alone.

Looking back, naturally it all seems totally stupid.  Me, a grown 35 year old, scaring myself silly because of a kids’ story on the internet.  But what if it really is possible to create a tulpa by using enough collective subconscious power?  Thousands of people in the world at the time were reading those same stories and scaring themselves silly like I was.  If it was possible to create a tulpa, Slenderman and his fame would most certainly warrant it.

For anyone who isn’t familiar with the 80’s movie ‘A Nightmare on Elm Street’, the main bad guy/killer is Freddy Kruger, a demon (who was a bloke who killed kids and then got burned in a fire by their fucked-off parents, then he came back from the dead in peoples’ dreams, as a...you know what, I don’t fucking actually really know what kind of thing Freddy is) who kills people in their dreams.  Enough people get to know about him and he suddenly can break free of only being in their dreams and can exist in the real world, killing whomever he chooses in reality.  Freddy, is a tulpa.  He existed in reality, purely because all the kids talked about him, described him to each other, then dreamed about him, which cemented him more in their brains, until he became a reality.  By what was, if I remember correctly, the 407th film featuring Freddy, ‘Freddy vs Jason’ the townsfolk had worked out that the only way to defeat Freddy, was to pretend he didn’t exist.  No one was allowed to talk about him, no one could mention his name, and anyone who dreamed about him was given dream suppression pills so they ceased dreaming altogether (boy didn’t I crave Hypnocil during my Slenderman nights).  In this way, Freddy became weak and the town was safe (for a while - Stage Right - freaky hockey-mask-wearing-dude-with-mommy-issues).

My point is that from my personal point of view, the Tulpa Community are people who have really good imaginations, like myself and are doing nothing more than imagining another person.  They are not “creating” a tulpa.  Not in the sense that I think they think they are anyway.  I sort of feel like a tulpa is akin to a golem who is created to protect someone or something and is capable of physical destruction in the real world.

I digress.  Touching on Slendy for the podcast is something I’ve wanted to do for a while now, but I’ve hummed and hawed because, let’s face it, I’m scared.  Slenderman did become a bit too real for me, even if it was in my head and my mind playing tricks on me, but it put me through sheer terror, I was legitimately scared of my own shadow so opening this can of worms is a big deal for me, even if it seems utterly stupid for a grown woman to feel that way.  If two young girls can pretend that killing their friend as a “sacrifice to Slenderman” is real, then who’s to say if enough people genuinely hallucinated Slendy and his creepy, murderous personality, that other people could not be compelled to kill?  He would become his own person. I’m a tin-foil hat wearing silly girl who believes a lot of ridiculous things (except Flat Earth, you guys are wrong - just saying), but from a mass hallucination point of view, I do genuinely think this could be plausible.  And by delving back into this research, not only am I opening up the likelihood of scaring myself silly, into seeing shit that isn’t there, I would also have to be held (partially) responsible for creating the master Slenderman that wipes out the world by making people kill each other.  Hmph.  And Ted Bundy thought he had some great ideas.

Also, “Tulpamancy” is a thing.  Although not according to the Tibetians, where the tulpa originated.  Funny that.  Almost as if it’s a made up word.  (It is.  By the Tulpa Community.)

As for the pretend “Tulpa Community”?  Some of these people envision their tulpas as characters from ‘My Little Pony’.  Make of that what you will.  I wouldn’t personally be taking career and life advice off of a fucking horse.  All I’m saying.

[kumkaniudaku]

Meet the Parents: Three

A/N: FINALLY finished with this. My midterm paper was taking over my life. I have a few more prompts to do before I start working on spooky stuff for Wednesday! I hope you all enjoy. Also, the face claim for CoCo’s dad has changed.

Word Count: 4488

The journey through post-secondary education has its ups and downs. As much as an institution can be a site for cultivating and molding the minds of tomorrow’s leaders, it also serves as an arena for young people to navigate life’s challenges and triumphs. From making friends, leaving with enemies, passing classes with flying colors and falling flat for the second time, college provides an opportunity for growth.

For you and Chadwick, not only had both of you grown as individuals but also as two souls forever bonded by the Howard University experience and the quiet beginnings of a long friendship.

Sadly, all great experiences must end. The freshmen that hit it off in 1996 by accident were now semi-adults preparing for their last hoorah before real life started.

Chadwick sat at the foot of your bed, engrossed in the basketball game on the television, while you flipped through your photo album and reminisced.

“Oh my goodness, look at Tanisha,” you laughed. “I don’t know who told her that dressing as a cigar was a good Halloween costume, but I’m glad they did. This shit is hilarious.”

“It was probably the girl standing beside her dressed as the most low budget Lola Bunny that I’ve ever seen.”

“Shut the hell up Mr. Too Cool to Dress Up for a Halloween Party. I was cute that night.”

“I didn’t say you weren’t cute. I said your hand drawn jersey and dingy bunny ears looked low budget.”

Using the fact that his attention was elsewhere as an advantage, you flung a throw pillow at the back of his head. “I really can’t stand you. Go home.”

“I want you to act just like that during graduation this weekend. Don’t let me see one tear or I’m clownin’ you at the celebration dinner,” he answered as he leaned back to lay on the bed. “Speaking of the celebration, your folks eating with mine or are we doing two separate things?”

You thought for a moment, using the fringe on your pillowcase to distract you from the brown eyes peering up at you. You’d passed the Mr. and Mrs. Boseman test with flying colors, and your family was all but ready to marry you off tomorrow after only a few meetings with Chadwick. Separately, you both got along with each other’s families. But, you weren’t sure how situations would play out once the Greene and Boseman clans united.

“You think they’ll like each other? Our families?”

“Why wouldn’t they? My parents like you and your parents love me. We’re extensions of those that raise us right? It should work itself out.”

“And if it doesn’t?”

“Then we’ll go get carry out together and eat it back at my place. It’s no big deal.”  

“Everything is no big deal to you, Aaron.” Chadwick smirked and shrugged his shoulders. His nonchalant attitude about things not involving his work either infuriated or calmed your nerves. Today, it soothed your worries and helped you to make a concrete decision.

“Okay, let’s do it.”

Chadwick’s eyes shot from the television to your face to get confirmation of what exactly you were planning to do. “What’d you just say?”

“I said let’s do it!”

“Right here? Right now? I mean it’s kind of soon, and I was hoping it’d happen way different than this, but if you want, sure. Let’s do it!”

“Great! I’ll call my mom and dad and tell them we’re combining our parties! Should we match outfits? No, that’s too much. Red velvet or pound cake?” Your rambling became a background murmur in Chadwick’s ear once he realized how close he’d come to make an ass of himself.

After thanking God for saving him from an awkward mishap, he watched and listened to you plan the final get together before the inevitable separation occurred. You were taking a job offer to intern with the Hornets in Charlotte and Chadwick had long made the decision to pursue directing and writing in New York. For much of the Spring semester, the conversation about continuing the friendship long distance had been avoided. Neither of you were ready to think about life without the other.

Still, time can not slow down or be replaced. The days of the week began to blend together between parties, senior week activities, and graduation practice. Separate familial activities kept you and Chadwick away from each other Friday afternoon, leaving little room for serious conversation during a wild off-campus graduation party.

While you and Chadwick prepared for the grand entrance with fellow members of the Howard University Class of 2000, your separate groups of parents prepared for a meeting orchestrated by God himself.

“Where is Chadwick,” Carolyn asked, craning her neck around to look over the upper quandrangle housing the commencement ceremony. “First he wasn’t home this morning, and now I don’t see him here. The ceremony starts in ten minutes.”

“Then it makes sense why you wouldn’t see him out here then, right? The graduates aren’t just hanging around.”

Shifting her attention to her husband, Carolyn’s mouth opened to speak but closed as a family of three shuffled past her to take the last open seats in the area.

“Gerald, where is Tasha? The ceremony starts in eight minutes and she is nowhere to be found. She wasn’t at her apartment and she has yet to page me back. I will return that car to the lot the moment we get back home if she isn’t here.”

“Baby, the graduates don’t wait in the open before the ceremony,” Gerald answered. “C’mon, now. You’ve been through this before.”

Elaine’s mouth opened and closed, realizing that what her husband was saying was true.

“Don’t you hate when they’re right?”

Elaine whipped her head around to acknowledge the stranger, breaking into a small smile at the comment. “They never let you live it down. I guess that’s what happens when you’re wrong nine times out of ten.”

The women shared a laugh for a brief moment, helping each other to let go of some of the tension pent up from nervous energy.

“What’s your baby’s name?”

“Tasha Greene. She’s graduating from the School of Business.”

“So you’re the woman my son says I need to meet,” Carolyn laughed. “Now that I’m looking at you, I definitely see the resemblance.”

“I’m sorry, am I missing something,” Elaine asked with confusion taking prominence on her soft features.

“My son, Chadwick, talks about your daughter all the time. The beautiful ‘Miss CoCo’ is the topic of every conversation. Even when she doesn’t fit.”

The light bulb connecting names with stories illuminated Elaine’s mind, “Oh...my God! Chadwick is your son? Sweet little Aaron that ate my burnt meatloaf to be nice when everyone else criticized it? Girl, I owe you a thank you for checking in on my baby the way you do!”

“Owe me? I owe you! Lord knows my boy will eat you out of house and home if you let him. That week in Atlanta must’ve cost you a fortune.”

“Oh, girl, I’ve been raising two athlete daughters while married to a Marine. Trust me, he fit right in.

“So you know the struggle of keeping food in the house. I raised three boys and almost lived at the grocery store.” When the short bout of laughter subsided, Carolyn gave Elaine a small smile. “May I ask you a question? Mother to mother?”

“Absolutely. Unless it’s about Tasha’s manners. She takes after her father.”

Carolyn laughed and shook her head, “She’s been nothing but mannerable around me. My question is about our kids. Be honest with me, is Tasha...interested in my son at all? He thinks the world of her and I don’t want him to be hurt if she doesn’t feel the same way.”

“She is interested, but she’s afraid. If you ask her, he’s not looking to be in a relationship. I think she’s ignoring the signs to protect her heart. Again, she takes after her Daddy.”

“You know I can hear you right, Kitty,” Gerald interjected. “I’m sitting right here.”  

The beginning of ‘Pomp and Circumstance’ sounded around the outdoor area, alerting the guests to the arrival of the honorees. Sharing a knowing look, the two women put their conversation on hold to prepare for the arrival of their graduates.

                                             ------------

“Tasha Nicole Green, Magna Cum Laude. Chadwick Aaron Bose-,” last names and accomplishments were drowned out by the combined applause of both families despite the request to wait until all names were called.

“Look at our babies,” Elaine smiled through misty eyes. “They’re growing so fast.”

“Mhmmm. Growin’ and drinkin’ before they have to walk across the stage. I bet all the money in my husband’s wallet that Chadwick doesn’t think I can tell.”

“They never think we know anything. Tasha is wobbling in those shoes like a baby deer and it ain’t because I didn’t teach her how to wear a pair of heels. I’ll let her slide for now, though. It’s a big day and she’s grown.”

In the center of the action, you caught wind of the overwhelming hooping and hollering from the stands, tapping Chadwick on the bicep to pull him away from the moment and direct is attention to the section you were looking at.

“Looks like our mamas found each other without our help,” you laughed, pointing to their spot in the audience and earning a wave from the pair.

“I guess so. Saves us a lot of trouble. What you think they talkin’ about?”

“Probably how cute I look in these shoes. You can’t even tell I’m still a lit-tle bit drunk.”

“CoCo, everyone can tell you’re a little bit drunk. You haven’t walked in a straight line since we’ve been here,” Chadwick scoffed, stepping to the side to let you into the row to take your seat.

“Ah, shut up, hater.” A wobbly step before reaching your chair caught you by surprise and sent Chadwick into a fit of hushed giggles. He was right. You were still noticeably intoxicated despite your best attempts to eat and hydrate your body into sobriety. Turning to your best friend, you pulled your sunglasses down to reveal a horrified expression. “Oh my God, my mama is gonna kill me!”

“Relax. I’ve been drunk in front of my mama too many times to count, and she’s never noticed. Just follow my lead.”

“Last time I followed your lead I drunk four cups of hunch punch to chase the two beers you gave to me.”

“But, did you have a good time?”

You thought for a moment, the memories of the night prior making you smile. “Yeah.”

“Okay, then. Follow my lead. We’re all good.”

                                           -----------

Sitting in your apartment free from the stuffy graduation robe that held you hostage in the late spring sun, you were beginning to realize that things were not “all good.” For the one-hundredth time since your mother and Mrs. Boseman had teamed up to lecture you and Chadwick on the dangers of excessive drinking, you cut your eyes at the man sitting beside you.

“And I know you think we don’t know, but you two aren’t good at hiding anything. We know a lot more than you think we do,” Carolyn ranted with Elaine adding a “mhmm” behind her.

“Right now, you don’t understand, but you will when you’re parenting your own kids and have to deal with them acting a fool in public.”

“Their dad can handle that. I’m gonna be a cool mom,” you mumbled.

“Chadwick, are you ready to handle that since this one will be a cool mom,” Elaine questioned.

“Me!? What do her bad kids have to do with mine?”

“Woah, Woah! My kids will not be bad! Let’s not forget that I’m the one that keeps us out of trouble.”

Carolyn and Elaine watched their offspring argue about potential parenting styles with broad smiles and a twinkle in their eye. Mothers have a way of seeing beyond the current moment, and though neither of you were privy to the knowledge they possessed, their shared intuition confirmed what they already knew.

In the kitchen, Leroy and Gerald were dealing with headaches of their own as they listened to Kevin and Tiana argue over nothing in particular. Tired of the bickering, and the rumbling in their stomach from the thought of eating after the draining ceremony, both men were prepared to put an end to the commotion around them.

“Alright, alright.”

“Hey!”

Talking ceased at their separate outbursts as both men looked at each other with surprised expressions.

“You go first, brother. I wasn’t tryin’ to interrupt you,” Gerald insisted.

“No, no. You go on ahead. This is technically your house.”

Gerald nodded before turning to the group across the apartment. “Now look, we done sat here and listened to y’all lecture these two grown ass people about drinking, and I’m tired of it. I’m ready to eat and I’m ready to eat right now, Kitty.”

“So they’re supposed to be able to do what they wanna do? Is that what you’re saying,” Carolyn asked with Elaine offering her nonverbal support with a glare at her husband.”

“Let the kids have fun. That’s what college is about. We ain’t ate since breakfast. Let it go!”

You and Chadwick shared quiet snickers at the notion that the chastisers were now being chastised. In a way, Mr. Boseman reminded you a lot of your best friend. His stance, laid-back yet oozing authority, made you think of the times he had “put his foot down” in situations where you unnecessarily argumentative. Chadwick’s mind simultaneously took in your mother’s demeanor and smiled at the near-identical posture. Elaine’s knuckles pressed into her sides with all of her weight on one leg took him back to moments when you *thought* you were scolding him for not listening while you spoke to him of leaving his shoes in the middle of the floor.

An intense battle of glares made the air thick between the parenting duos on each side of the argument until the mother’s relented with exasperated scoffs.

“Fine, Leroy! Just let the boy do whatever, I don’t care. We got a reservation to makes anyway.”

Turning on her heels, Elaine took a look at her husband and shook her head, “You spoil her, you know that? I expect you to pay the bill since she can be a drunk in public.”

“Now, Kitty-”

“I don’t wanna hear it. I have your checkbook anyway. It’ll get paid.”

Leaving Gerald stunned and Leroy in a silent fit of laughter, Elaine followed Carolyn out of the door and to the car. Gerald found the presence of mind to figuratively pick his jaw up from the ground before turning to address you and Chadwick.

“Y’all owe me.”

“You owe both of us. It doesn’t stop here. We’ll have to hear it long after y’all are out and getting drunk. Again! C’mon and get in this car before your mama blows the roof off of it.”

                                                ---------

“To the graduates,” Kevin exclaimed as he thrust his red plastic cup into the air to begin his toast. “May your careers be fruitful so you can take me to Cancun on your dime.”

“Kevin!”

“Sorry, mama,” Kevin apologized before shooting a wink your way. “We’ll talk, T.”

A careful tug to his jeans by Carolyn brought Kevin down from his standing position on the picnic table bench and back to his seat.

When your parents told you they had something special planned after your graduation dinner, you weren’t sure what to expect. Your mother hated everything about the outdoors other than her beloved sunflowers in the backyard, so desert at a nearby park was the last thing you thought you would be doing. What you assumed to be a quiet after party with close friends and family turned into a carefully planned scavenger hunt to reveal one of your graduation gifts: a used, all black Jeep Grand Cherokee with heated seats and 10 disk CD changer. Your excitement could barely be contained, though you wondered how the car would factor into the news that you still needed to share.

“Alright, Mr. Cool, it’s your turn to make a toast,” Gerald laughed, directing his comment to Chadwick who was lazily leaning against your shoulder and using his spoon to pick the pecans out of your ice cream like he always did. He knew you hated them and would take the time to make sure they “didn’t go to waste.”

Smoothing out his t-shirt, Chadwick took a moment to stand and raise his cup into the air.

“Uh, I guess I’ll start with a toast to my parents, both biological and adopted. Thanks, mama and daddy for helping me get through this with all the prayers and encouragement.”

“And money. Don’t forget all the money you cost us,” Leroy added.

“Yeah, and money.” The table shared a healthy laugh at Mr. Boseman’s interjection before Chadwick could continue. “Mrs. Elaine and Mr. Gerald, thanks for looking out for me when you could. I really appreciate it and promise to at least send a Christmas card every year, Maybe even stop by if I’m ever in the area.”

“You can’t just DeeBo my parents, Aaron.”

“Oh, hush, Tasha,” your mother answered as she waved off your comment. “Stop by anytime, Chadwick. There’ll always be some biscuits for you if Gerald doesn’t get to ‘em first.”

Your mother had been smitten with Chadwick from the night she met him, so it didn’t surprise you that she had no issue with inviting him over despite being notoriously reluctant to have guest outside of family and a select few friends inside the home.

Chadwick mirrored the way you stuck your tongue out like a child before turning his full attention to you. “Last, but not least, I wanna say thank you to my best friend in the world, even when she’s trying to tell me what to do. Without you staying up all times to help me finish projects or just making sure I had food to eat when I couldn’t always afford it, you’ve been a big part of my journey, and I wouldn’t trade you for anything. Except for some Braves tickets.”  

After lightly shoving his side, you let Chadwick pull you into a hug once he took his seat. The heat of the late Spring sun paled in comparison to heat rushing to your cheeks. Your bronze skin prevented the scarlet hues below the surface from peeking through, but not enough to your feelings from the adults around the table. Parents and siblings shared knowing looks across the table, aware of the bubbling feelings between friends.

“Alright, alright, enough hugs, you two,” Gerald announce. “Pumpkin, it’s your turn.”  

The group watched you stand and nervously run your sweaty palms down the sides of your summer dress. Chadwick paid special attention to the way your legs seemed to run for miles and thicken in the right places. He needed to remember all of his favorite parts of you to hold him when both of you split up to chase individual dreams. Charlotte, North Carolina was miles away from Harlem, and he wasn’t sure when he’d have the chance to see you again.  Kevin clearing his throat and shooting him a playful glare brought Chadwick back to reality.

“I promise not to be long winded like Reverend C. Boseman over here,” you joked, earning an eye roll from Chadwick. “Thank you, Mommy and Daddy, for everything you’ve done to help me to this point. I love you guys so much. Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Boseman, for being my parents away from home and liking me more than Chadwick.”

“Ma, tell her that’s not true!”

“Hush, boy. Don’t be rude. Continue, CoCo.”

Again, Chadwick rolled his eyes, earning a light giggle from you. “Aaron, even though you get on my last nerve, thank you for always being there when I needed you. I can’t wait to tear up the city with you in a few weeks.”

Chadwick’s eyes widened at your revelation, matching the bewildered expression on your parent’s faces.

“Is Chadwick moving to Charlotte?”

“He sure as hell better not be,” Leroy mumbled as he took a sip from his cup. “His ass is going to Harlem.”

“Leroy!”

“Leroy, hell!”

“Tasha, what are you talking about? Explain yourself.”

Taking a deep breath, you turned your attention to your mother, “I am...no longer taking the internship in Charlotte. I decided to take a paid entry-level position in New Jersey with the Nets. I’ll be 20 minutes away from Manhattan and closer to you.” Your explanation ended with a smile at Chadwick that he gladly returned.

You were two weeks away from packing your car in preparation for a new life in Charlotte. The lease was set to be signed in three days, and your parents had already reached out to family and friends in the area to provided you with a safety net for when they couldn’t be around. The plan was in motion, and up until a week before graduation, you were excited about the new journey. But, when the opportunity came knocking for an immediate opening with an organization in desperate need of new ideas and an entry-level assistant complete with an above average salary and a relocation package, you answered the call. The idea of being closer to the man you were secretly in love with was an added bonus.

Chadwick could no longer contain his excitement as he bolted up from his seat to wrap his arms around you and lift you from the ground.

“Oh my, God, Co! Are you being a jackass or really telling the truth?”

“I’m telling the truth,” you answered while giggling at the way he playfully tickled your sides. “I was gonna tell you this morning, but I figured I’d let everyone know at the same time. I hope you’re not mad mama and daddy.”

Elaine and Gerald stared at each other, occasionally looking across the table at Carolyn and Leroy who were just as confused.

“Well, I ain’t mad,” Tiana exclaimed to break the tension. “Can I come stay with you for Spring Break, T?”

“No!”

“Yes.”

Tiana looked between you and Chadwick for a concrete answer to her question. “Are y’all gonna do me like Mom and Dad? I’ll just stay home if it’s gonna turn into all that.”

“You can’t tell her she can stay at my place, Aaron. Let her stay at yours if you want her to come so bad!”

“Stay at home. Tiana. That nigga is broke already and he ain’t even moved yet,” Kevin answered.

Chadwick opened his mouth to respond before being cut off by your mother.

“Tasha, while I’m excited for you, I’m a little worried. Where will you live? You don’t have any family that far north. How will you adjust on such short notice? Do you even know exactly where you’ll work?”

“We just want you to be safe, Pumpkin.”

“I understand, Daddy, but I have it all figured out! The team has found me housing that I think you guys will approve of, and they’ve committed to five months of relocation. I’ve spoken to my direct supervisor and they’re excited to have me on board. As far as family, I have Chadwick and Kevin. They’re like family, right?”

Silence hung in the air as your parents attempted to process the new information. Reaching over the table, Carolyn gave Elaine’s hand a squeeze.

“We’ll make sure she’s alright. You don’t have to worry.”

“If it’s one thing I taught my boys, it’s how to stick together. They’ll take care of her.”

With reassurance from newfound friends, Elaine and Gerald turned to you with a smile.

“Well, alright! My Pumpkin is moving to the city. I don’t know how we’ll get a damn car that far North, but we’ll figure it out!”

The brief moment of commotion at the table allowed Chadwick to pull you away from the table inconspicuously to walk toward the nearby fountain.

Chadwick stole glances at you along the way, sporting a goofy smile that you didn’t notice until you turned to speak to him.

“What are you smiling about, Ashy?”

“You specifically told me the North was way too cold for you. Six months later, you’re moving to New Jersey. You were gonna miss me too much, huh?”

“What,” you exclaimed, feigning confusion. “I moved to work with my favorite team!”

“You hate the Nets. You called Scott Burrell a fucking bum the other day.”

“I did not!” Chadwick quirked his eyebrow at your blatant lie, waiting for you to come clean. Dropping the act, you let out a short laugh and looked away. “Okay, so, yeah, I would miss you a little bit. A lot, actually. But, this was also a better opportunity! Who knows the places I’ll end up with this type of experience?”

“You’ll go wherever you want, Champ. I’m happy for you.” Chadwick used his fist to nudge your shoulder before taking a seat beside you on the edge of the fountain. Extending his arm, he pointed toward the picnic table to direct your attention to the conversation between both sets of parents. “What you think they’re over there talking about?”

“Knowing my mama, she’s talking your mama’s head off about me and you being together again and all the trouble we might get into.”

“She’d be correct, then.” A sly smile slid across Chadwick’s face, worrying you with what was going on in his overactive mind.

“Oh, no. No. Whatever you’re thinking, the answer is no.”

“C’mon! Give me a second to explain!”

While Chadwick attempted to pull you into one of his plans for a fun outing in New York, conversations of the future transpired between the Boseman and Greene families. In a way, Chadwick was right. They were discussing your futures together, but in a wildly different context.

“So, who do you think will be the one to own up to their feelings first,” Carolyn asked. “My money is on my son.”

“Really? I’m betting on Tasha. I’m surprised she’s gone this long with her feelings hidden. She usually wears her heart on her sleeve.”

“Whoever says it first, just know it’s tradition for the bride’s father to pay for the wedding.”

“Don’t remind me,” Gerald groaned. “Just make sure y’all tell us about every movie Chadwick writes or stars in so we can add to this wedding fund. If they’re both wealthy, we won’t have much to worry about.”

The table erupted in laughter before all four heads turned to look over at the spirited banter between old friends and budding lovers.

Raising his glass, Leroy proposed the last toast of the evening.

“To family. We’re happy to have y’all on board.”

Elaine and Gerald followed suit with raised cups and proud smiles. “To family.”

                                          __________

TAGS: @njadont @k-michaelis  @wakandanmoonchild  @idilly  @texasbama @afraiddreamingandloving  @inxan-ity  @daytimeheroicsonly  @onyour-right@brianabreeze  @sisterwifeudaku  @ironsquad @killmongerdispussy @90sinspiredgirl  @willowtree77785901  @maynardqueen101 @heyauntieeee @halfrican-heat  @purple-apricots  @lalapalooza718 @blue-ishx @profilia @ljstraightnochaser  @girl-wtf-lmao  @dramaqueenamby @royallyprincesslilly @melaninmarvel  @thiccdaddy-mbaku  @lavitabella87 @purplehairgawdess @unholyxcumbucket  @airis-paris14  @uhlxis @oshasimone @maliadestiny @drsunshine97  @cozyshack2 @zxddy-panther @queentearra @skysynclair19 @retro-melanin @mermaidchansons @misspooh @melanisticroyalty @babygirlofwakanda @wakanda-4evr @sarahboseman @karensraisns @blackmissmarvel @wakandankings  @kaykay4454fan @ororowrites @awkwardlyabstract @mixedmelanin @brownsugarcocoabutterwildflowers @sunflowerpsalms  @panthergoddessbast @justanotherloveaffair @jaeee-http @iliketowrite1996 @blackpantherismyish @thompettiedatheaux @msincognito67 @reignsxjackson @yaachtynoboat711@syreanne  @ilcb7@minim236 @yoyolovesbucky 

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

What the hell happened to creepypastas?

Whether it's Gilgamesh or urban legends, the art of storytelling has been around for thousands of years. In the case of creepypastas, just replace the campfire with a computer screen.

For those that have never experienced this internet genre of storytelling, creepypastas are horror-related stories, images, or videos. The name is based off the term "copypasta" because the stories are typically copied and pasted all over the internet. 

But over the past few years, the popularity of the genre has dwindled after tragic events caused the community to reel itself back and stifle creation. 

SEE ALSO: 17 terrifying creepypastas guaranteed to keep you up at night

Despite its struggles, creepypasta hasn't quite met its own horror movie ending, but rather turned into something else. Shifting from its home in the corners of the /x/ board of 4Chan and r/NoSleep subreddit, the genre has made its way to TV screens across the country thanks to Channel Zero, a SYFY television series created by Nicholas Antosca that expands on the plot of creepypastas on the internet.

The early days of creepypasta 

Some older and popular creepypastas include Jeff the Killer, a serial killer with no eyelids and a terrifying smile who murders his family; and BEN Drowned, a story by YouTuber Alex Hall that revolves around a haunted cartridge of the video game The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask. 

Hall included videos of the ordeal to further enhance the creepypasta.

"I saw that a lot of creepypastas only had one element to them — the writing — and I felt that if it had a visual component as well it would make it that much more engaging," Hall wrote.

Jadusable encountering an in-game statue that's supposed to be Ben

Image: jadusable / alex hall / youtube

BEN Drowned follows the story of a college student who goes the username Jadusable. The character buys a copy of The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask from a mysterious old man at a garage sale, that turned out to be haunted by a malevolent spirit named Ben. 

"The genre itself was still pretty young when I wrote it in 2010," Hall wrote. "I didn’t know what it was at the time. I saw a few creepy video game stories in the wild, and I wanted to try my hand at writing something similar. It just happened to evolve organically from there."

A glitched version of Link that appears when Jadusable starts up a game file.

Image: jadusable / alex hall / youtube

Creepypastas get bigger—and more visual

The infamous Slender Man creature — who was birthed from a creepypasta — helped propel the community into the spotlight with his unnaturally elongated limbs and pale face lacking eyes, mouth, or a nose. Slender Man got so big that he had video games, YouTube web series, and a feature film based on him.

For content creators like Adam Rosner, making YouTube videos based on this figure was a cathartic hobby that eventually grew into a fully fleshed out web series called TribeTwelve. 

"I started making videos back in 2010," Rosner said. "That type of raw horror was something that really appealed to me. It's a lot of what creepypasta lore really is." 

Rosner's TribeTwelve series was well received by the community. In the series, Rosner plays the role of Noah Maxwell, a college student who is being tormented by a group of evil entities known as The Collective, and of course, Slender Man.

"When I started out I didn’t have a big plan," Rosner said. "I only wanted to have a few episodes and have a joke ending. But then people started posting in forums about my stuff, and they were really into the plot and visuals of the series." 

An image of The Collective from TribeTwelve

Image: Courtesy of adam rosner

As one of the large figures in the "Slenderverse," Rosner joined the ranks of other series creators like Marble Hornets and EveryManHYBRID, whose YouTube channels are dedicated to creating Slender Man videos. 

Creepypastas take a dark turn

In 2016, a 12-year-old girl named Katelyn Davis livestreamed her suicide on Live.me. According to a blog post Davis wrote in December 2016, she had fallen in love with the the character Ben from Hall's creepypasta. 

"I NEED his love. I NEED his warmth. It has been several months since I last spoke with him," Davis wrote. "He went by Ben Drowned. He claimed that he was the real Ben Drowned. Right now, I don’t care."

In an interview with Kotaku last year, Hall commented on the event.

"I don’t feel responsible," Hall said. "I feel like if it wasn’t my story, it would’ve been something else. Someone would have impersonated someone else or whatever, from another story, to lead her down that path or whatnot."

Davis' suicide was not the only tragedy surrounding creepypastas. Perhaps the most infamous case  came in the form of an attack by two young girls in order to appease Slender Man.

In 2014, Anissa Weier and Morgan Geyser, lured their friend Payton Leutner into the woods in Wisconsin where they stabbed her 19 times and left her to die. All of the girls involved were 12-years-old at the time of the attack.

Multiple reports during the incident highlighted the girls' obsession with the creepypasta figure as a motive. Because of this, many felt Slender Man and the creepypasta community were guilty by association.

One of the two accused attackers in the Slender Man stabbing appearing in a courtroom hearing on Nov. 12, 2014 in Waukesha, Wis.

Image: WAUKESHA FREEMAN, CHARLES AUER/ASSOCIATED PRESS

Thankfully, Leutner survived the attack after she dragged herself to a nearby road and was found by a cyclist. She was taken to the hospital to recover from her injuries, and her attackers were tried as adults in a court. Both Weier and Geyser pleaded guilty of attempted homicide. Weier was committed  to 25 years and Geyser was committed to 40 years. Both of the teenagers are serving their sentences in psychiatric institutions. 

"The stabbing was pretty discouraging for a lot of people," Rosner explained. "It felt like a lot of media outlets were looking for someone to point a finger at, and they just didn't understand the community at all."

Considered these two tragic events both involved young children, the community was hit hard. 

Despite setbacks, creepypastas move to TV

Despite the backlash and decline in new stories, Nicholas Antosca saw potential in the genre, and revitalized the dying genre through his television show, Channel Zero. 

"We wanted to honor the genre and give it our own twist," Antosca said. "The original stories are very short and it's necessary to bring a lot of stuff into it, so we wanted to give them more life with characters and a larger plot."

An image of "Pretzel Jack" a creature in the new season of Channel Zero

Image: courtesy of syfy

Channel Zero expands on creepypastas by using it as a platform to create an entire universe, characters, and a plot lines based off the original stories. 

The show has been received well by critics and audiences. It's slated to premiere its fourth season, Dream Door, based on a creepypasta that was posted on the NoSleep subreddit last year. All of the original authors of the creepypastas were credited and paid.

"I have faith in the genre," Acosta said. "I think as long as people have fears in the modern world, they’re going to continue to read, write, and watch this stuff."

Image: courtesy of syfy

Will creepypastas continue to thrive?

At the moment, creepypastas are still being produced online, but not nearly at the same rate as they were previously. There also haven't been any standout creatures recently, such as Ben or Slender Man.

"I haven’t really seen too many newer ones crop up organically," Hall said. "I think a lot of the really popular ones came out in the first half of the decade and we’re waiting for the next big author out there to put their own spin on the genre."

Although the written aspect of creepypasta has declined over the past few years, the versatility of the internet has allowed it to retain its spooky value regardless of medium. 

"It has a ridiculous amount of variety," Rosner said. "The community has so much to offer and I don't think it's ever going to go away, it'll just change forms."

Image: courtesy of syfy

Whether it's on TV, in a YouTube video, or written form, you can't escape a good urban legend or spooky story. As long as there are innovators in the community producing quality creepypasta for the internet, the genre is set to keep us up at night for more years to come.

"I’m excited to see where it goes in the future," Hall wrote. "I think there’s someone out there with an idea involving multiple mediums that’s going to set the internet on fire and I can’t wait for him or her to realize it."

WATCH: These super-realistic robots are creepy as hell

[comic-movieheroesranked]

Cinematic Comic Characters Ranked! (Year 2011) Final Part

This year I think has the most characters ranked so far, and all from movies introducing brand new characters. X-Men franchise gets a reboot with X-Men: First Class; The MCU welcomes the additions of Thor and Captain America: The First Avenger; DC Comics introduces Green Lantern, and we also get The Adventures of Tintin, Cowboys & Aliens, The Green Hornet, and Priest. Here’s the TOP 20!

*SPOILER ALERT FOR THE HIGHLIGHTED MOVIES MENTIONED ABOVE*

20. Kato (The Green Hornet)

"Go be a journalist. I'll kick ass."

If anyone should have been the Green Hornet, it should have be Kato. His fighting skills are great, his driving skills are even better, and his abilities with machinery have not only created the best cars for fighting crime, but also the best coffee machines. Instead he chooses to be Britt's sidekick and even though he kicks the other dude's ass on several occasions, Kato still decides to put up with him for reasons no one will understand. Oh and he can't swim, which is random, but yeah.

19. Heimdall (Thor)

"I need no longer to obey you!"

Heimdall is the seer of all things and protects the portal outside of Asgard. When the Frost Giants break into Asgard he suspects someone has figured out how to fool his abilities, and what a greater suspect than the master of illusion himself, Loki. He suspicion for the male increases when Loki becomes King and he not only sends Thor's friends to retrieve him from Earth but he also tries to attack Loki himself. Loki freezes him but his will to protect Asgard gives him the strength to break free and bring Thor and his friends back home.

18. Captain Haddock (The Adventures of Tintin)

"You hit a wall, you push through it."

He might be drunk, but you can't take away Haddock's passion towards life and the seas. It's in his blood to be a true adventure seeker in the ocean and his biggest adventure comes when Tintin reveals his ancestor, Sir Francis, has hidden away treasure. The pair work brilliantly together and in the end, Haddock takes down his biggest rival while restoring honor back to his family's name.

17. Priestess (Priest)

"We've all sacrificed. Some more than others."

When the church sends Priestess to hunt down Priest for breaking his vow, she decides to join him in his quest instead. She's a huge gain to the cause, she seems to have the same skills as Priest and is also to help him almost instantly when he needs it, which is most of the time. In fact, during the last stand, Priestess not only takes out all the familiars, but she distracts Black Hat from killing Priest and also blows up the train full of vampires that would have otherwise destroyed their city. It's hinted she has feelings for Priest but she puts them aside to recruit the rest of the priests to help them on their future missions.

16. Jane Foster (Thor)

"Magic's just science we don't understand yet."

Jane's passion for science goes beyond the facts in front of her. She constantly tries to push the limit so that she can discover something truly amazing. It comes of the form of Thor, the god of thunder and someone she manages to hit with her car. Twice. She may not fully believe his stories at first, his unique charm really helps the chemistry between them and she does what she can to help him retrieve his mighty hammer, even if technically she only did it so she could get her research back from SHIELD. When Thor returns to Asgard she isn't sure whether or not she'll see him again, so instead of waiting to find out, she's back in the lab, trying to figure out how to reach him on her own.

15. Jake Lonergan (Cowboys & Aliens)

"I'm a wanted man."

Even though he lost his memory, Jake at least was able to kick into his natural instincts from the get go. With his fancy little alien gun he becomes the leader of the human resistance against the aliens. Turns out he managed to escape the alien captivity after his wife is killed and he slash's an alien's eye to escape. He casually handles every obstacle that gets into his way until he ends up actually getting caught by said alien but manages to kill him with the help of Dolarhyde. With the town in his debt, Jake is announced a free man and is no longer at risk of rotting in a jail cell.

14. Peggy Carter/Agent Carter (Captain America: The First Avenger)

"I can do more than that."

Yo, Peggy was a freaking force of nature. She literally did everything the soldiers around her did but in heels! It was her training that showed everyone that Steve was ready for the super soldier serum and she even got to show how sick she is with a gun when Red Skull's assassin snuck into their headquarters. It sucks that Steve had to die just shortly after their relationship was starting to go to the next level, but I'm pretty sure Agent Carter goes on to be the best agent this country has seen.

13. Sebastian Shaw (X-Men: First Class)

"We are the future of the human race."

One always wonders what kinds of horrors Magento must've have went through in the concentration camps that caused his hatred for humans, and most of the horrors were because of Sebastian Shaw. Wanting to learn more about mutant abilities, Shaw tortures Erik and even kills his mother to get his research. He seems unfazed by the kid's growing hatred and power and it's probably because he's not only the leader of the Hellfire Club, an organization of powerful mutants, he's also a powerful mutant himself. He can direct every type of bullet/energy into destruction for his enemies. His main goal is to create WWIII, a nuclear war that would kill the human race and leave him to rule the mutant survivors. He has the charisma to get away with it, but with Magneto as an enemy, he stood no chance. Killed by the very quarter he used in Erik's lessons, Shaw's dreams do actually end up living on through Magneto.

12. Hicks (Priest)

"Point A? Meet Point fucking B."

I thought Hicks was going to be that guy who always gets in the way but that wasn't the case at all. He really handled himself for someone who has never gone up against vampires, his skills easily proving why he was the sheriff despite his young age. Even though he wouldn't have lasted nearly as long as he had without Priest and Priestess, he was a great supporting character who even saved Priest towards the end. Of course his main goal is to save his girlfriend, Lucy, and he's able to do just that.

11. Hank McCoy/Beast (X-Men: First Class)

"Don't mock me!"

Hank is a sweet boy who, like Mystique, wants to hide the more uglier effects of his mutation. In his case it's his feet even though his skills when he uses them is what attracts Raven to him in the first place. Still, his feelings for her aren't enough to keep him from taking the serum he created but it only makes matters worse and turns him into the blue Beast we all recognize today. He accepts his mutant self after this, but its clear that whatever he had with Mystique is over as she decides to join Magneto's Brotherhood and he stays with Charles.

10. Odin (Thor)

"Whosoever holds this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor!"

Odin is an honorable King of Asgard, who truly makes every decision for a specific reason. But even he has trouble raising his two sons. On one hand he has Thor, who isn't quite ready to rule as he's too hot headed to truly make decisions with the kingdom's interest at heart. It must've been so hard for Odin to banish him, but it's what needed to be done for him to truly understands what it means to rule unselfishly. Then on the other hand he has Loki, who has been plotting to take over since the very beginning and gets even more fuel when he finds out he's adopted. All of it is too much and Odin ends up slipping into a cosmic coma until the very end of the film, where he acknowledges the growth in Thor now that he's saved Asgard.

9. Priest (Priest)

"Then I go against God."

Most of the priests and priestess are recruited into the church when they are young, but for some reason Priest joins when he's an adult. You'd think this would make him weaker than the rest but it seems he's not only the strongest, but also their leader. When the vampires are defeated, he goes into hiding until his old ally-turned-vampire kidnaps his daughter, Lucy, who thinks she's his niece because his brother agreed to raise her when he was taken away. With the help of Priestess and Hicks, Priest defeats Black Hat and rescues Lucy, but that's just the beginning of their problems. Priest discovers the vampire queen is still alive and goes after her, completing ignoring the church's protests once again.

8. Tintin and Snowy (The Adventures of Tintin)

"Snowy, look at this!"

At just the ripe age of seventeen, Tintin has traveled the world and solved some of it's biggest mysteries for his newspaper. The kid even carries a gun around, which does end up coming in handing when he gets wrapped up in solving the mystery of the Unicorn. He's not alone though as most of his discoveries come from the help and guidance of his trusy companion, Snowy. The two end up helping a captain named Haddock in finding his ancestor's last treasure, while also dealing with an enemy that is hellbent on revenge. Still, this adventure is nothing new for Tintin and Snowy and they're able to piece together the remaining pieces of the puzzle and find Sir Francis's lost treasure.

7. Hal Jordan/Green Lantern (Green Lantern)

"Let me go fight for my world and I'll show you that will is stronger than fear."

Hal's a likable guy, despite having a bit of an ego that comes along with it. Yes, he's extremely reckless at times, but he's got that spunk that allows him to think outside of the box, which is another reason why he was chosen to be the next Green Lantern after Abin Sur dies. Throughout the film we keep seeing everyone doubt him because he does have fear in his heart, a lot of it having to due with his father's death, but it's at the end he shows everyone that it's ok to be afraid, it's how you overcome it that matters. With this discovery he's able to defeat Parralax, a task some of the strongest Lanterns died trying to do, and finally earns his spot among the Corps.

6. Raven Darkholme/Mystique (X-Men: First Class)

"Mutant and proud."

It was so interesting to see Mystique in this light. In the previous films we had this hard, deadly assassin that was one of Magneto's biggest threats against the humans and now we got to see how that came to be. Before she was the intimidating mutant we know, Raven was just a scared girl who Charles adopted as a sister and who was ashamed by how she looks. But then she's around other mutants and she slowly starts to accept herself and even comes up with everyone's codenames, but then there's little things that set her back. One, Charles is a bit of a jerk to her and keeps holding her to expectations that I don't think are necessary when he doesn't try to understand what it's like to be in her shoes. Then there's Hank who does know what it's like to have to hide, and who Raven definitely likes, but isn't secure with his own looks and even encourages her to continue to hide who she is. But with all of this, Erik stays as a constant reminder that she is perfect the way she is and that anyone else would be lucky to have her gifts. After that, it's not hard to understand why she chooses him at the end of the movie.

5. Loki (Thor)

"I never wanted the throne, I only ever wanted to be your equal!"

I'm quite familiar with Norse mythology even before I really got into comics so I knew right away that Loki was not this concerned brother he was set out to be at the beginning of the film. It was surprising to find out that not only had he constructed literally everything that happened in order to take the throne for himself (except for Odin going in a coma, that was just luck) but he's also adopted and really belongs to the King of the Frost Giants. He tries to take out Thor and use the Frost Giants to kill his father but when Thor returns he tries to save himself by attempting to destroy the Frost Giant's world as a way to appease his father. Thor stops him, however, and Loki freefalls out of Asgard but somehow manages to take control of a human on Earth just as that human meets with Nick Fury to discuss a very powerful artifact.

4. Thor (Thor)

"For the first time in my life, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do."

The introduction of Thor. We don't see him become the great hero he already is and how he got to control the mighty hammer, but we do see he still has a lot of growing to do before he's fit to rule Asgard. His growth in character comes with the help of some humans on Earth, specifically Jane, who shows him that there are different ways to handle situations instead of brute force. His growth couldn't have come at a better time as he has to face off against his brother, Loki, who practically manipulated everything leading to Thor's banishment. His moment finally comes during his final fight with Loki, when he destroys the bridge that would allow him to see Jane again. He gives her up for the kingdom's safety, truly learning how a king rules with his kingdom's interest at heart. He loses the chances of seeing Jane and also loses his brother, but he's able to reconcile with his father and the support of his friends gives hope that one day, him and Jane will reunite.

3. Charles Xavier/Professor X (X-Men: First Class)

"You're not alone."

Who knew that Porfessor X, the father figure of many future mutant students and X-Men, was such a Casanova when he was younger. I see the appeal, who wouldn't like a guy who knows exactly what to say, in the most charming way possible? Still, despite all the wild nights he has, Charles is quick to get serious when the opportunity comes to meet other mutants like himself. After meeting Erik and the others, Charles tries to bring them in on his vision of peace and working together with the humans. Of course Shaw ends up causing a big flaw in his plan and despite becoming like a brother to Erik, he ends up losing the other to his hatred of humans. He loses more than that when Erik accidentally forces a bullet into his spine, leaving him unable to walk. Understanding their views can never be the same, they separate and Charles opens up his school to all mutants for sanctuary.

2. Erik Lehnsherr/Magneto (X-Men: First Class)

"Peace was never an option."

The best origin story of the X-Men, is how their greatest enemy came to be. We watch as Magneto suffers at the hands of Shaw and the Nazis for his powers and then uses said powers to hunt them down one by one. When he fails to kill Shaw, he meets Charles Xavier and the two begin a friendship as they use their two ideologies to meet other mutants like themselves. One thing I liked about Erik is his ability to learn fast. After Emma Frost bests him during their first one, he's quick to understand her threat and quickly handles her during their next confrontation in Russia. When training he allows Charles to open up his mind to advance his skills, and he also opens up Mystique's mind to her appearance. At the last possible second, Erik shuts Charles out when he confronts Shaw, killing him with the same quarter that lead to his mother's death. He needs to work on his accountability a little though, as it was him who deflected the bullet into Charles that handicaps him. Still, it doesn't stop him from starting the Brotherhood and becoming the villain we all know...Magneto.

1. Steve Rogers/Captain America (Captain America: The First Avenger)

"I could do this all day."

Captain America is the ultimate triumphant tale of the underdog. Steve Rogers was a weak tiny man who seemed to have so many illnesses that I thought he belonged in a plastic bubble. But the kid had heart and a true sense of doing the right thing, which is why he was perfect to become Captain America. And while his transformation was a HUGE success, and I'm not just talking about his physical appearance, it took awhile for him to really see some action. Throughout the film we see that even though he's got all of these enhanced abilities, he's still just a kid from Brooklyn. He's still dorky when he's around Peggy, he still mourned heavily after Bucky's death, and he still never backed down from a fight. Despite all the terrible things Red Skull committed, Steve never even batted an eyelash when it came to taking him down, or even sacrificing himself to save millions of lives. He's a true hero for the little guy, wonder how he'll do now that he's woken up more than seventy years into the future.

[rheanimalsachikokassielynn]

Major Essay 2

Rheanne Harkness

Professor Timothy Greenup

English 112

28 November 2017

Aspects of the Self: Two Sides of the Same Coin

Over this last month, if there’s anything I’ve taken away from our rather in-depth class-wide examination of the concept of bildungsroman and how it forms the backbone of works like Mariko Tamaki’s “Skim”, it’s that the influence of external forces on transitional periods in young adult lives shapes everyone a little differently. However, the emotional upheaval such forces put us through often comes into conflict with our identities, calling who we are and what we stand for into question so much that it results in we ourselves needing to reestablish a more permanent sense of identity altogether. Sometimes though, this type of conflict can constitute a rift between how we carry ourselves in the public eye verses the private eye depending on the kinds of impressions we want to give off so that others may see us in a certain way. A lot of this is true for the character of Skim as it is for so many of us, she herself is trying to figure what kind of person she is to the point where there is a rift that was brought to my attention very clearly during group presentations between how Skim acts around others verses when she’s alone, yet her public and private selves always feed into each other. This got me thinking: if Skim’s goal as well as the audiences’ is to take stock of who she is based on how and why she carries herself at different times, then what is it we learn about Skim from her diary entries (the main manifestations of her private self) compared to her conversations with other characters (the main manifestations of her public self) and how do both sides serve to paint a picture of Skim’s true identity at its core?

It’s a bit ironic that the entire story of “Skim” is told from the main protagonist’s point of view mostly by way of her diary entries because most people who’ve never read it before would probably take this to mean that Skim is giving the audience a first-hand account of all the turmoil that’s befallen her life along with her reaction to it. (See for example, a broken arm has hindered Skim’s ability to write, her dad nearly died twice due to heart attacks, there’s a lack of any genuine support coming from her mother and supposed best friend, etc.) Now Skim does do this, but only on a very base level, summing up her thoughts and feelings with equal signs rather than full statements such as when she’s describing herself and her parents in the most dismissive black-and-white manner possible - “Mom says the heart attacks have turned my father into a cream puff...My dad says my mother is a cold cynical women who has no appreciation for a broken heart...My parents = serious issues...My dad signed my cast with an ugly happy face that I am scratching off. Me = serious issues” (Tamaki and Tamaki 10). From this and other snippets of her diary, whether paired down by shorthand or not, it’s easy to gather that Skim is feeling depressed, angry, even confused about all these sudden changes that’ve soaked up all the attention in her life and are putting a damper on who she is. The irony? Even though the whole point of having a diary in the first place is to be able to have something to bare your soul to without fear of being judged by anyone else for the way you think and feel, Skim writes about what she’s feeling but keeps vague as to the reasons why. It’s almost as if the character herself was aware that the diary would be published and read by millions in real life so here she is making a last-ditch effort to save face!

In all seriousness, Skim in a sense really is trying to save face through the act of ”self-censoring”, as put so eloquently by Margaret Lang in our first group presentation. Much of this can be cited in the comparatively detailed commentary Skim makes that is laced with more overtly irrational cynicism than usual - think of when the whole school is hung up over John Reddear’s death and Skim is treated by Mrs. Hornet and Julie Peters as a premature suicide statistic just by virtue of being associated with goth culture, to which she wrote this in response: “Truthfully, I am always a little depressed but that is because I am sixteen and everyone is stupid (ha-ha-ha). I doubt it has anything to do with being a goth” (Tamaki and Tamaki 22). Additionally, there are many times throughout the story when Skim writes a complete thought that would give everyone, including herself, some proper insight as to why she feels the way she does if it wasn’t, say, followed by a question mark or delayed with an ellipsis: “Things That Make Me Sad - Love. Things That Make Me Happy - “Love?” (Tamaki and Tamaki 67). Perhaps most striking though, are the thoughts that Skim crosses out (as Luke Langton called particular attention to in the second group presentation) and sometimes replaces with other deliberately less direct comments which at best reveal half-truths in place of whole truths: “I didn’t know what to write. Because...I’m not sure. I didn’t know what other people would think about my answer. It’s a stupid question” (Tamaki and Tamaki 61).

All the above examples to me suggest that Skim not only has trouble being honest with herself, but is also afraid of offering any outright explanations as to why she’s been so depressed, even in her diary. This is because doing so might make her appear too vulnerable on top of already being unsure of who she is as an individual. Consider Skim’s pentacle, a doodle of a star that shows up quite a few times throughout the book. We see it drawn twice on Skim’s list of things that she still needs for her altar, Skim paints a tiny star on her face (but washes it off) right before the Wiccan AA meeting, there’s even a pentacle drawn on Skim’s cast. We find out towards the end of the story through a conversation Skim has with Katie Matthews that the pentacle is meant to protect her from “everything” but “It’s mostly just symbolic” (Tamaki and Tamaki 109). I think the pentacle has held more significance to Skim than she’s actually letting on at this point. It’s shown up enough times that I can’t help but deduce it is meant to be a safeguard, a way for Skim to protect herself against obstacles she’s having a hard time overcoming or things she’s feeling uneasy about (like a casted right arm and the strange Wiccan meeting). This is especially important because up until the end of the book, anything having to do with Wicca, as the star does, is a huge part of the new identity we see Skim trying to forge for herself. It’s only after Skim talks to Katie about it and later signs her cast with a pentacle “for good luck” does the star take on a meaning for Skim that really is just symbolic and nothing more, since by then, Skim has grown confident enough in herself that she no longer needs Wicca or the star doodles to feel validated.

But while we’re on the topic of conversation, I notice a correlation between the most positive and negative interactions Skim has with other characters at the beginning of the book and the diary entries that are written about them after the fact. When Skim tries to speak her mind towards her “friend” Lisa, she is often shut down and insulted for it. In those situations, the best thing Skim can do to vent her frustration is insult Lisa back. Not surprisingly, these scenes in themselves tend to make it even more clear as to why Skim feels so dejected whenever she’s with Lisa than the diary entries do. The ramifications of such a relationship where Skim is almost never allowed to get a word in edgewise (and when she does, Lisa verbally abuses her for it) center around a lack of confidence Skim has in her ability to channel her thoughts towards other people and herself simply due to the fact that Lisa has never given Skim the option to do otherwise. However, Skim’s first meaningful conversation with Ms. Archer really puts things into perspective for the audience, as not only is she the first character in the story to let Skim speak freely without any fear of a hostile response, but she also asks why the students call the central protagonist “Skim” when her real name is “Kim”, to which the latter answers: “Because I’m not” (Tamaki and Tamaki 27). This little exchange here conveys by far the most important thing we ever learn about Skim as a person throughout the entire story - she does not think of herself as a light or superficial individual, (as two separate dictionary definitions of the term seem to allude). I dare say, that serves to make her nickname quite a contradiction to what I would claim the character of Skim is really like in spite of the confidence lapse she has to wrestle with for so long in public and private!

Yes, Skim most certainly is quite the introspective and layered character. Thus the climactic pay-off of when she is finally able to express herself, (effectively giving the GCL members a piece of her mind in defense of Katie and John Reddear without any care as to what will come of it afterwards) is made so much sweeter. Though please do not take this to mean there’s a great discrepancy between the Skim we get to know while writing diary entries and the Skim we get to know while interacting with others. Skim’s fear of appearing weak in the eyes of herself and of those around her was always present until we saw her get past that fear at the end of the story by standing her ground against unfair treatment instead of just blowing it off in the first respect, and by slowly becoming a lot more truthful and censoring less as she writes in the second respect. Neither of these public and private sides of Skim are any more in line with who she truly is by themselves because, to put it simply, you can’t fully understand one side without the other.

Works Cited

Lang, Margaret, et al. "Skim: A Social Commentary." English 112 Group Presentations, 16 November, Spokane Falls Community College, Spokane, WA. Student Presentation.

Langton, Luke, et al. “Skim.” English 112 Group Presentations, 16 November, Spokane Falls Community College, Spokane, WA. Student Presentation.

Tamaki, Mariko, and Jillian Tamaki. Skim. Groundwood Books, 2008.

[compohapm]

Love

This section is dedicated to the few who still hold a piece of my heart. With each person I've conjured a memory, so that I may always remember how it feels to love and be loved. Katie K:        First love is true and beautiful. When that person takes the first steps into the undisturbed snowfield of your heart the prints they leave behind are deep and unmarred by time or circumstance. Such is how it is with Katie. We were young, so young, when we met in the forests of Paradise Park to perform in Orpheus and Eurydice. So many of my memories with Katie are caught up in the theater, as we both were avid actors in our time.        There were horror movies together on her parents couch, just two kids sharing a hawaiian pizza with black olives and the occasional quick kiss. There were long nights burning minutes on a Nokia track phone. It takes awhile to learn to be sincere and romantic when using the dial pad to text your love. Youthful love leads to many silly things said when looking back in hindsight: “I would walk through flames for you.” or something to that effect comes to mind.

      The memory I'm thinking of breaks the rules of this compendium, which is fine because I'm the author of this story here: This isn't a particularly happy memory, nor is it particularly sad; what it is is the first goodbye I made to someone I love. My last day of High School was a whirlwind of farewells, but for her I needed something special. We stood alone on the stage we had shared so many times before, and the silence of the room was palpable and the empty seats stared at us as we held each other.

      Her eyes welled with tears as she prepared for me to go and though I wanted to cry I could not because I was excited about my future, even if it meant saying goodbye for now. The thing about that love that still strikes me today is how I hadn't a fear at all of not spending the rest of my life with her. First love will do that to you: When you've let someone into your heart so deeply you cannot think of wrenching them out.

      As we were sharing our parting words I remember the distinct bang of a door in the theater opening. It was a custodian coming to sweep the stage and when he saw us he let us continue to be alone and I always thought that was considerate of him. Before we ended I knew my exit well. There was a door backstage left that opened to outdoors behind the school. Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I lived and breathed acting in my four years at Windsor High School and so I thought it was fitting that I would be quite literally exiting stage left.

        When I think on this memory, I see her cool blue-gray eyes and feel the coolness of her small hands in mine. I can see the loveliness of her high cheeks and her ears, which I've always loved for their shape, and her thin pursed lips. When we'd kiss it wasn't so much passionate as gentle—more compassionate than anything else. When I think of truly innocent and pure love, she is what I think of. Sarah S:          Sarah was my first friend at Bennington College and even before we arrived I had already messaged her after seeing her name in a Facebook group for Bennington class of 2013. We shared our excitement, though I believe I was a bit more excited due to the fact I had never left Windsor, VT at that point in my life. The first time I saw her in person was at the Student Center on Campus the very first day I arrived for orientation. She was with her roommate Montana, a bubbly girl with striking red hair, and they were getting snacks or something to take back to their dorm which was on the other side of Bennington's small campus from my own dorm. I think that night I went to their room and got stoned and then got lost on my way back to my dorm that night.        Sarah is shortish, and she had long brunette hair and the subtlest freckles flecking her nose and cheeks around her coastal blue eyes. We had in common one crucial detail to our friendship: We both came to Bennington with significant others waiting for us back home. This lead me to feel secure in becoming inseparable from Sarah for my first year and a half at school. When I say inseparable, I mean just that: We did everything together, went everywhere together, ate dinner together, did laundry together, signed up for classes together, even lived together at one point as roommates. That time spent with her as my best friend are precious to me still and I smile often when I think of the hell we raised together.        The memory I'm thinking of didn't take place in Bennington. Instead, it takes place in Provincetown, Massachusetts. I was visiting Sarah over the summer after our Freshmen year. We both had the same sense that summer that Bennington felt like a distant dream and that we missed each other after growing so close. She lived on Cape Cod and invited me to stay for a weekend. With each mile drawing me closer to her, I smiled foolishly to myself on the long bus ride to the Cape.        We did many things that trip. Fishing with her father, driving to the beach, and eating what is still in my mind the best burrito I've ever had from the Cornerstore in Chatham. This trip must have been in July because it was near her birthday. Both of us at this time being avid pot smoking college kids, I had brought some edibles with me as a birthday present. We decided to take them before we went to Provincetown for dinner.         P-Town is wonderful place with lots of shops and restaurants, great views of the ocean, and lots of gay pride. As we walked together on the cobblestone street we were bemoaning the lack of potency of the edibles I'd brought. We were hoping to have them kick in before dinner, but with that seemingly out of the question we stopped at a restaurant called Bayside Betty's. As we stood and waited to be sat at a table, the edibles kicked in. They kicked in hard. Potency was not a problem.         Seated at the table we were all smiles and giggles. I felt like everyone was staring at these two crazy college kids clearly a breeze away from hysterical laughter. My body was warm and tingly and I could feel a hazy heaviness on my eyes. That dinner is, to this day, one of the best meals I've ever had. It wasn't necessarily the food because I can't remember anything we ate past the appetizer, which was escargot and I thought that eating snails was hilarious because at that moment everything was hilarious, but the meal was great because of the situation and the company. She looked lovely in the candlelight of the table. This girl sitting across the table gets me. We're so damn good together. I wish we were together, I thought. I wish.         After a nice gay couple sat at the table next to us and chatted us up for a bit (they must have known we were blitzed) about the man at the table behind us who looked like a modern day gay Lincoln (he did), we finally went over the edge and were cackling like hyenas. We had to leave and we knew it. When we paid and got up to leave I tripped over a wood carving of a goose and nearly hit the floor. I can still see her wide-eyed expression as she suppressed a laugh and started to leave ahead of me. Outside in the cold sea air of the night we hugged and walked back to her car, laughing all-the-while.        Six years later, I still smile when I think about it. Breya L:        There have been countless stories written about the one who got away. If I were to be Gatsby, I think that Breya will forever be my Daisy. She was my first serious and adult relationship. She had the most adorable heart-shaped face—everything about her was adorable to me. Her voice, her mannerisms, her dainty body, and her wide smile. She was always energetic, like lightning in a bottle, and when she talked of her dreams I believed she would achieve them based on her attitude and skill. I met her in the ceramics shop at Bennington, clay in my beard and on my clothes as I wrestled with a four inch pot destined to become an ashtray. I was amazed to watch her form these huge yet delicate pots as she was up to her elbows in wet white porcelain.         There are almost too many happy memories to think of with her. In our time we traveled from Vermont, to Maine, to a happy little island, to the big happy island of Hawaii, and back. Even subtle memories come bubbling to the surface when I close my eyes, something along the lines of watching “Vikings” or “Marble Hornets”--a silly mystery thriller series on Youtube that we both got caught up in. The memory I'm thinking of makes me smile because of just how aloof I was.         I was visiting her over the summer at her mother's house on Cliff Island, Maine. I watched the tiny island grow closer as the ferry I took from Portland inched forwards. I knew that I would have a little time to kill before I could see her, as she was working at the Cliff Island Historical Society and would have to come meet me from there. When the ferry landed I realized I was hungry. I found a little shop close to the dock and headed there to get a bite to eat. I saw on the menu “Maine Lobster Rolls” and thought, hell, when in Rome. I devoured the entire thing in a couple minutes as I waited a little impatiently for my love to come into view.

       Not much later I saw her, and she saw me. She was somewhere between a skip and a run as she moved towards me, brilliantly radiating her wide smile to me. I picked her up in a huge embrace and swung her 'round in a circle before setting her back on her feet again. She asked how I was, how was the ferry, and if I had to wait long. I told her I was better now that I was with her and had some food in my belly.

      But when I told her about my delicious lobster roll I had polished off just moments before, her face changed. The smile didn't completely disappear but became withdrawn and anxious. She may have made an audible “Oh.” or something, but didn't at once tell me what had caused this sudden change. As my brain was firing on all cylinders trying to solve this riddle, a random nueron fired off and hit the target true: Along with being lactose intolerant, Breya was allergic to shellfish—that includes the lobster meat stuck in the crags of my teeth. I definitely made an audible “Oh shit” at this realization, followed by effusive apologies and cursing my own stupidity.

       Not one to have a happy moment ruined, she shrugged it off with a laugh and told me it was okay, but that I wouldn't get to kiss her until I brushed my teeth at her house. I was devastated. Sure, I wanted to kiss her before, but now that I couldn't I was utterly defeated. As she was able to do on countless occasions, she clasped her hand in mine and pulled me and my sullenness along to her house, lifting my spirits with every step and every word. That was the power she had: She always made me happy, even when I didn't want to be.

      As I'm writing this, she's done it again. Kerry B:       She came out of nowhere. One day she appeared in my life, and I remember saying her name to myself as I texted her one night. “Kerry B____. Wow.” She had been a friend of my good friend Jake while they were in college. They were R.A.'s together and had remained close after school had ended, despite her living in Wareham, Massachusetts. I forget the occasion but the first night I met her she was wearing a blue dress. I remember thinking how pretty she was. I didn't talk to her too much that night, but we exchanged social media information and in time we grew closer. I was, and am, amazed by her intelligence. She has read so many books, watched so many documentaries, and yet didn't act like a know-it-all like I would, and do.        Her hair was in constant flow and I loved to watch her change the colors. Brown with pink, full fuschia, magenta, blue, teal, and at one point she was blonde, but that was before I met her. I liked her nose. It was rounded at the tip, the same roundness mirrored in her cheeks, and when she smiled sometimes she'd keep her mouth closed and close her eyes and I thought that was just the bee's knees. It cannot go without saying either that she had fantastic taste in dresses, and I particularly loved the Starry Night dress.

     Soon she moved to Windsor to be closer to Jake, move away from home, and I think at least partially to be closer to me. A few months went by and we started living together. I was living with my mother and desperately looking for an affordable apartment. After my main option fell through, she quite generously offered to have me move in with her. Sure, her apartment was small and she had a lot of things, but we would make it work. She was determined to make us fit. She is to this day the only person I've loved and lived with full time. I used to love to watch her sew. It was amazing to watch her operate her fairly successful Etsy store, making bags of all sizes and selling them all over. She could sit and sew and watch documentaries on WWII all day, and I would love to sit behind her on the couch while she worked, me playing video games at the end of a long day and her still working steadily.

      The memory I'm thinking of took place at a little karaoke bar/Chinese place. We were there with her friends for a few drinks and to hear some bad karaoke. This was still early in our relationship so I was nervous as hell around her. I held her hand under the table and attempted to make conversation with everyone at the table, but it was hard given the guy screaming his way through Megadeth's “Peace Sells...But Whose Buying?” At some point her friend suggested we dance, and me being a few drinks in and not shy at all agreed. I could sense Kerry's hesitation, but she relented and joined us. We danced silly and like no one was watching and it was fun. It was so fun. Her friend pulled me aside later and told me that since I got her to dance in front of strangers that she must really like me.

      Before we even got to the car to go home she was yelling that she wanted to listen to Tom Petty. I learned pretty quickly that after three Budweisers (Her beer of choice, bottle only) that she goes from being fairly reserved to being loud and rambunctious. When we got in the car and the Tom Petty started playing she sang along to all the words. I loved to hear her sing, and I never told her that and I should have, but watching her eyes closed and head thrown back as she sang “Don't do me like that!” made my heart flutter wildly. She was beautiful in that moment, and every moment after.

Elizabeth O:

      If love was ever in a cup of tea, it was in Lizzy's Earl Grey. She herself was as soothing and restorative as that hot afternoon tea. She and I met in the summer I worked at Ohana Family Camp in Fairlee. She came from Scotland, was a photographer and boating instructor, and potentially the biggest Disney fan I'd ever met. Our time was altogether too short, but still brings me great happiness to remember.

      She had long perfumed brown hair that I used to like to see tucked behind her smallish ears. Her chestnut eyes shined brightly on those sunny days by the lake, and she always looked too cool wearing her sunglasses standing on a boat. Her voice was soft and lightly infused with her Scottish accent, and I could talk with her for hours about nothing and be happy for it. We did little things for each other that meant so much. As I mentioned previously, seeing her in the afternoon and her asking if I wanted a cup of tea was something I always looked forward to. In the handful of times I left camp with a few friends to get pizza and beer at Ramunto's, I'd always remember to bring her back a dessert—Red velvet cake, if they had it. She never asked me too, but I felt compelled to because I even away from her she was still on my mind.

      The memory I'm thinking of was of our first date. I had the feeling (and some small bit of intel) that she might be interested in me and I felt emboldened enough to ask her if she'd like to accompany me to the waterfront on our next day off for a picnic. I loved watching her smile as she said yes, and I could have floated away carried off by nothing but the butterflies in my stomach. I asked around until I could borrow a picnic basket from someone and went straight to work with planning.

     Wine, chocolates, fruit, cheese, chicken salads, and a blanket to sprawl on were all packed away and ready, and after a bit of chiding from my friends watching me pack I set off to meet her. When we got to the waterfront we looked for some shady and secluded spot near the shore. We ended up climbing over, near hiking through, thistles and weeds and branches until we found a lovely flat spot for our picnic. I remember thinking that a lesser person would have complained about the difficulty of finding a spot for what was supposed to be our relaxing picnic, but she remained content and was a perfect companion.

     We talked politics for awhile, I asked about Scotland and she about Vermont. We both enjoyed traveling and I listened to her stories as I we sipped a bold red wine that in hindsight should have been reserved for a heavy dinner and replaced by a Rose or Pink Moscato. No matter, because nothing including the ants assailing the fruits we'd brought could ruin that moment or spoil our picnic.

     In every memory of her, whether star gazing, swimming, picnicking, or just watching Treasure Planet for the first time, I was always amazed at how effortless loving her was. She made it seem easy to be so good. There will always be a spot in my heart for those long summer nights that never seemed to end until they did. Natalie O:      Eat diamonds for breakfast and shine all day was what the picture on her wall said. And she did shine all day, every day. Her energy was only outweighed by her intelligence and savvy and I admired her greatly for her focus. Though she was very beautiful, with brownish-green hazel eyes and gorgeous auburn-brown hair, I found her determination even more attractive. She could go from carefree whimsy to professional and business like in an instant. She could kill me with a look, knock me over with a feather.

     I used to love to watch her make breakfast. She moved so much like a dancer, full of grace and poise with every little bounce. She'd sing when she cooked, too. Her mellifluous voice filling the morning air and lifting the mood with her dulcet tones. I loved to hear her sing in French, speak in French. Those morning breakfasts with her were worth well more than diamonds. She would often give me advise about things, including one critical piece I still live by: “You have to advocate for yourself because no one else will.” She taught me to know I have worth by literally writing on a whiteboard “Cody Has Worth Because __________” with probably twenty different examples. When I didn't have the will to eat after a long day, she was there waiting for me with something she made at home, or would make me something as simple as a sandwich that would be panacea to my aching bones. At a time when I felt lower than I'd ever been, she saved me with these things. I don't know that I've ever thanked her properly.

     The memory I'm thinking of was in a brook near where she lived at the time. She pulled the car over to the side of a windy dirt road and we got out with our towels in our hands. After climbing over an embankment and onto the large sun-warmed boulders that sprawled throughout the length of the brook, I watched her slip coolly into the clear rushing waters. We swam together, though I swear she made everything look more graceful than me, and even sat beneath a small waterfall. I loved the feeling of the cold water pounding against my head and neck, and with her beside me feeling the same. We were one with each other and the brook in that moment. There is my own piece of Rivendell.

     We pulled our soaking bodies from the brook to dry on some warm rocks. I could see her from a small distance and was reminded of the stories in Greek myths about men watching Nymphs bathing in cool waters from afar. Lots of things about her seemed mythical to me. The wings of Hermes tattooed on her heels made it easy to believe she was a no mortal, but a goddess from days of old.

     If there is magic, it can be found in her. Giovanna Z:

     I only had to introduce myself a few times before I could get my name to stick in her head, but I was happy when it did. I knew her name after the first introduction because I remember her sticking out to me wherever she was. In a room filled with people and noise the only thing I'd see is her. In the beginning, when I wanted nothing more than to talk to her, I found myself scared to approach her. She was too pretty, I was surely gonna make a fool of myself, particularly when I've only just gotten out of work and was still covered in food and kitchen grime.

     The contrast of her nearly black hair and luminous blue eyes made my knees weak. When she smiled her teeth were small and pointy, and I loved them and the way her smile made her eyes squint. When I finally worked up the courage to talk to her it was because she approached me, and I was amazed at how down-to-earth she was despite her fine appearance. She was drinking a Narragansett because it was cheap—I loved that. When I told her I was drinking Miller Lite, I noticed that was the next beer she got—I loved that, too. When I introduced her to my friends Dominick and Carrie, she took to them immediately too.

     No memory of Giovanna would be complete without including her steady companion Domo—a brindle English bulldog. I liked him very much, and when I'd see him his tail would wag so quickly it made his whole butt shake and I'd say, “You're crazy!” and he would go crazy. She loved animals, studied biology, and previously had worked for the parks department. Though she was from Rhode Island, I felt like she fit in well here in Vermont because of her relatively solitary nature and polite disposition. It's hard to think of just one memory considering there are many happy memories to choose from. When we visited her family in Rhode Island, we shot some big handguns, drove a golf cart like Mario Andretti, ate pizza past midnight watching “Forensic Files,” and even went to a hookah bar that was terribly overpriced. I loved the way she talked her way out of getting her car towed in a bank parking lot, and I really liked the long drive there and back with her.

      The memory I'm thinking of contains simultaneously the worst and best camping experience I've ever had. As summer was coming to a close, and colder nights approaching, I wanted to go camping with Giovanna as that was something that we both enjoyed doing and we could bring Domo, who also probably enjoys camping. I wanted everything to be perfect, especially considering the newness of or relationship and my own insecurities that come with that territory. I had thought that I'd been camping at this one campsite, Running Bear, as a kid—unfortunately I had mixed that up with Ascutney State Park down the road from Running Bear.

     With her car packed and loaded with tents, beer, and food, we arrived at Running Bear and pulled up to the main lodge. Inside we talked to the man behind the counter and explained to him we were looking to camp in a tent for the night. I seemed to shrug it off like it was no problem, and said it was going to $40. Now, I know that's pricey for a tent site, but I wanted this to be perfect and maybe this would be a really nice spot. He told us as we were leaving that there were water and electricity hook-ups at our tent site. Huh. The crossed muskets adorned with Confederate flags that hung above the entrance to the grounds should have clued us in to what we were getting ourselves into. As we drove through the grounds it became clear that this was not so much a campground as a trailer community or long term RV lots—this was evident by the gardens outside of some of the trailers as well as the large collections of ATV's, cars, and lawnmowers strewn about. Children were chasing clucking chickens in the twilight of the evening and as we parked at our tent site, which was oddly at the center of the grounds surrounded by campers, I felt like people were staring at us when we got out of the car.      I should mention that I don't believe that there is anything wrong with staying in trailer community. But all too suddenly we both realized that this was not the camping experience we were envisioning. When I asked Giovanna what she wanted to do, she was content and smiled. She was willing to camp here regardless of the situation. I always admired her willingness to stay there as a testament to her good nature. As I stared at the Giants game that the camper next to us was watching from the futon that faced his porch, I made the call that this was unacceptable. I knew a place we could go.

     A short drive down the road and we were at the entrance to Paradise Park. We needed to hurry because daylight was waning and we hastily pitched our tent in a large clearing by the fire pit. She was all smiles once camp was established, saying that this place was perfect with our tent being the only one around for miles and the beautiful view of the stars overhead in the clearing. This was what we were looking for. Just a small piece of land for two people and a big dog. That night I watched the light from the fire illuminate her the beauty of her face, and we talked for hours into the night. We drank cheap beers and ate fire-roasted hot dogs and sausages. It was so simple and so perfect.      Lying on the hard earth next to her with Domo wedged in there somewhere was soothing, and I slept peacefully.

[eridianshores-blog]

The MCU vs the DCEU

Warning: There be spoilers ahead! The films Man of Steel, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, and Suicide Squad are discussed at length! Many of the films in the MCU are discussed in more general ways as well. Continue at your own risk!

Which do you like better?

I want to like what DC is doing better, but it’s pretty obvious that Marvel is doing the better job with its characters.  Honestly I wish Marvel had chosen a different set of characters to follow rather than the Avengers.  I get that there’s a lot of legal shit tangled up with all that, but it doesn’t change that I don’t see heroes like Iron Man, Hulk, Captain America, etc. as superstar heroes.  I think the X-Men would’ve been the strongest starting point - and for the record I’m not the biggest fan of the existing X-Men movies or the mega-focus on Wolverine.  However, I think the modern MCU approach towards the X-Men might’ve worked out alright.

Before we really get into it I guess I should clue you in as to my level of “experience.”  Throughout this entry I am talking purely about films - those that are official a part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe and the DC Extended Universe.  I realize that Marvel’s TV shows take place in the same universe, but I haven’t seriously watched any of them so they’re excluded.  DC’s TV shows take place in an entirely separate universe (do they all even exist in the same one?) so obviously they’ll be left out of these talks as well.

I’ve seen all 3 DCEU films and I’ve seen them multiple times; I’d say I know them pretty well.  When it comes to the MCU though, I’m a little more in the dark.  I’ve seen Avengers 1 & 2 several times along with Civil War.  I’ve also watched all 3 Iron Man’s, Hulk, the first Thor, and Guardians of the Galaxy.  I know, I’ve missed a lot, but I do feel like I’ve seen enough of the earlier films to say what I want to say here.  Feel free to disagree or tell me where a movie directly contradicts something I’ve said, I’m cool with it.  Honestly I wouldn’t mind seeing the rest of the MCU movies just to see them, but most of them are still $20 and I’m not ready to shell out a couple hundred bucks for movies that I know I probably won’t love.

I would safely say that it’s difficult to discuss this “Golden Age” of superhero movies without at least acknowledging what came before.  I’m familiar with a lot of the older stuff, such as the first 4 Batman films, the first 4 Superman films, and Nolan’s Dark Knight trilogy, plus other random oddities like Spawn, Steel, Blade, and probably others I can’t remember. My knowledge is patchy when it comes to those early years of superhero movies where all kinds of shit was cranked out: Daredevil, Elektra, those couple of Punisher flicks, Hellboy, Raimi’s Spider-Man’s, Sony’s Spider-Man’s, all those damn X-Men and Wolverine movies, Green Lantern, Green Hornet, the Fantastic Four movies, Catwoman, the Ghost Rider movies, and what might’ve been the best of all of them, Superman Returns.  I’ve actually seen a fair number of these in passing, and truthfully, it kind of turned me off to superhero movies by the time Marvel started figuring out what went right and what went wrong and started something new.

When it comes to the DC guys, I like a lot of the heroes they’ve chose to focus on better.  I mean you’ve got Batman and Superman, heroes who Marvel is hard-pressed to compete with.  I also like the idea of getting into Wonder Woman’s story.  Beyond that we’ve got a rich Bat-family which, if handled correctly, could be great to see onscreen: characters like Robin, Nightwing, Red Hood, Batgirl, Red Robin, the Outsiders, etc.  When it comes to potential, I think DC has a slight edge.  Now when it comes to actual execution, well, DC could learn a thing or two or three or four from the MCU.

A big reason why the MCU is so successful is because it started out slow, making easily digestible, standalone movies that basically anyone could sit down and follow from start to finish.  They didn’t rely on the viewer’s extant knowledge of the source material, they didn’t over-extend themselves with complicated plot lines, and they weren’t too heavy-handed with placing references to future films.  Most of them are also fairly light-hearted and don’t take themselves too seriously, further increasing their appeal across multiple demographics.

The plots of these early movies have never been anything stunning; instead, the focus of the films has been largely on characterization.  I will admit that, for the most part, the various writers and directors have done a pretty good job at achieving this goal.  By the time the first ensemble film rolls around we’ve developed a decent rapport with most of the characters...there’s some unevenness that’s not beyond criticism, but the intent is clear and by the time everyone is on screen together it feels more or less natural.

Moving back over to the DCEU for a minute, they haven’t done anything close to the MCU’s approach, except for possibly Man of Steel, although it was tonally different than the standalone(ish) MCU movies (we’ll get to that soon). In defense of the DCEU, I’ve heard some say, “well they don’t have to do it like Marvel does!”  Obviously they don’t have to, but the problem is that DC is so blatantly and desperately trying to get themselves where the MCU already is minus a dozen or so films.

Let’s break it down real quick: Man of Steel was a pretty good flick in my opinion.  I’d probably say it’s the best Superman film so far.  Say what you want about the old Donner films, but they’ve become quite dated over the years and the bar for superhero movies has risen well above spandex and Hackman’s cartoonish version of Lex Luthor.  The movie is a little too long and structured oddly, but it’s one of those things that makes a lot more sense the second time around.  Unfortunately, as the beginning of the DCEU, it shouldn’t take repeated viewings to “get it.”  

Already Man of Steel is a) not easily digestible, b) over-extending itself, and c) not light-hearted at all.  Personally I think some of the “Clark Kent wanders the earth” scenes should’ve been cut, and the rest of them should’ve been put in order to give us a more linear experience.  As it is, apart from the spectacular intro sequence, the first half of the movie jumps between present day and some random point in Superman’s past as a child / teen / young adult on earth.  I think it’s actually a pretty good origin story, it’s just too jumpy to get into and the non-linear format is going to be a huge turn off to most moviegoers.  Normally I don’t give a shit about what appeals to “most moviegoers,” but the problem is that this format doesn’t seem to be done for any real reason.  I think it would be more interesting to watch Superman grow into his powers over the years and go through these changes with him rather than the scattershot backstory we’re given.

It’s not all bad though.  MoS differs from the MCU in one important way: the darker tone.  I said that the MCU could attribute part of its success to the lighter flavor of their films and I still believe that, but for me personally, I like the darker and more serious feel of Man of Steel.  Call me crazy, but if it was up to me, all this shit would be straight up R-rated, no holds barred, balls-to-the-wall crazy shit.  I know it would destroy the commercial viability of the films, this is just what I’d prefer from a purely artistic standpoint.  Anyway, the DCEU has caught criticism for not being as “fun” as the MCU, but I see this as a good thing.  I just don’t care for all the wisecracks and one-liners from Tony Stark or the fish-out-of-water giggles courtesy of Captain America, or the Sam Jackson-ization of Nick Fury...I know a lot of folks eat this shit up but it isn’t for me.  I don’t mind some subtle humor or the insertion of an honest to God good joke, but lightening the mood just to, well, lighten the mood, feels like pandering to all the wrong fans.

Man of Steel is a somber film.  Superman is genuinely confused about his place in the world.  He watches his adoptive father die.  He deals with surviving Kryptonians who attempt to embrace him only to find that he doesn’t share their ideals, yet earth isn’t ready to accept him either.  We get a lot of inner conflict from this guy who’s basically invincible.  If you can forgive or at least look past the missteps in pacing and structure, there’s a very human story at the movie’s core about acceptance and identity.  And this is where the serious tone makes all the difference.  When the film takes itself seriously, I take it seriously.  In the MCU, it’s hard for me to truly accept that the end of the world is on the way when we’re being treated to sarcastic quips and sight gags involving Iron Man’s armor.

Until now, I’ve only addressed the first half of MoS.  The second half is well worth the wait and one of the most worthy climaxes of any superhero film to date.  I love that Superman is up against a real threat - Zod turns out to be Superman’s equal; his inexperience with earth’s environment is compensated by his tremendous combat skills and military training.  Some have criticized the battle as overly long, but I think it’s awesome.  I also think it’s clearer and less muddled than some of the big MCU fights, namely those in Avengers and Avengers 2.  The way these 2 titans decimate Metropolis is spectacular.

A lot of people criticize Superman’s killing of General Zod, saying stuff like, “why didn’t he just cover Zod’s eyes,” or a number of other things.  I hopped on this bandwagon for a while, but then I got to thinking, and I think the point of the gesture was to show that nothing short of death was going to stop the General.  Whether it was today or tomorrow or in 200 years, Zod was a zealot who would never, ever stop.  Maybe Superman didn’t have to kill Zod right that second, but I think that in that moment, Superman realized there was no other way for this to end, especially after the already monumental loss of life.  Alternatively, maybe the DCEU Superman is OK with killing in some circumstances...I don’t know that we’re ever treated to a scene where Superman vows never to take a life.  Batman’s behavior in BvS lends some possible credence to this theory, as he very plainly takes the lives of some of the thugs in the car chase.

Besides the increased seriousness over the MCU, another plus in the Man of Steel column is the presence of a strong villain who drives the plot.  General Zod was a fantastic villain precisely because he didn’t see himself as a “bad guy.”  He saw himself as a visionary, a pioneer, the savior of an extinct race, the one avenue of possibility that his people had of living on.  And can we really blame him?  Would the last (or one of the last) humans simply shrug their shoulders in resignation about the death of their species, culture, society, everything?  If there was any possibility, wouldn’t they at least entertain the thought?  What if the last human landed on a planet full of ants and could potentially bring back the human race at the cost of all the ants’ lives?  What if it was a planet full of dogs?  Gorillas?  Homo erectus?  Where do you draw the line?

In some ways Zod’s arc was one of tragedy, aside from what could be considered treason back on Krypton.  (Although sometimes there is a very fine line between sedition and patriotism.)  General Zod didn’t fight for himself, or for power, or for material gain, he fought for the rebirth of his people.  Sure, he didn’t mind killing all of earth’s population to do so, but this was just a side-effect of terraforming; I don’t think it’s necessarily a case of Zod being hellbent on destroying humanity just for the hell of it.

Now Man of Steel doesn’t exactly go out of its way to portray General Zod as a sympathetic character, and I guess that’s OK...I think the most important thing to take away from the film is that the writers actually spent some time on General Zod.  They took the time to develop him and give him some depth.  Movies in the MCU have very deliberately chosen to not focus on the villains except as a means to an end.  Loki is the closest thing we’ve ever really had to a well-developed antagonist.  If you look at the other bad guys - Whiplash, Ultron, Ronan, Abomination, Mandarin (ugh) - they’re as flimsy as a wet noodle and twice as forgettable.  I’m not saying we necessarily have to care about the villains, but the core conflict between hero and villain should be adequately explored.  Instead, the MCU seems more content to use bad guys as a way to tell us more about the good guys.  There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just that it seems like that’s all the villains are good for.

I even remember reading a statement from one of the directors or producers or some big-wig over at Marvel Studios where they said that these films weren’t about the villains, but that they were about the heroes.  Is this really the right way to go?  Could this be why the MCU films feel a little less than awesome to me?  I don’t need a film specifically about Whiplash or Ultron or whoever, but I do want the film to center on the conflict between hero and villain, and not on some other situation whereby the villain basically ends up being a consequence of whatever else is going on.  Marvel should know as well as anyone that heroes and villains do a lot to define each other, and I think they’re making a huge mistake by giving such unequal focus to the 2 parties.

This may also have something to do with Marvel’s picks not having the most memorable of villains.  One of their biggest cards - Thanos - has been teased for the last 8 years or so and everyone else has been sort of bleh.  (Though that’s not really an excuse; the MCU could make them not-bleh if they tried.)  Iron Man doesn’t have a Joker to go up against, Captain America doesn’t have an Apocalypse, etc.  I’d really like to see MCU change this as time goes on.  Sure, maybe we don’t know as much about these bad guys, but that’s precisely why Marvel should spend some time introducing these villains and fleshing them out.

Let’s shift back to DCEU’s shortcomings as we get into Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.  I don’t really know where to start with this one.  I appreciate the film’s ambition and scope, but the story is so choppy and muddled plus DC made a really weird decision to adapt this particular story/stories this early in their timeline.

Marvel quietly did its thing with the standalone flicks and established not only its characters but also the world in which they live.  The DCEU barely got started on this with MoS.  BvS picks up 18 months later and throws us smack into a whirlwind of plot threads where the only thing capable of keeping the viewer afloat is previous knowledge of the comics.  One thing I found 100% bizarre was that the entire film was predicated on the loss of life resulting from the battle between Superman and Zod.  What I don’t understand is how anyone can hold Superman responsible.  Yes, a shit ton of people died, but if Superman hadn’t done anything, it’s highly probable that everyone on the fucking planet would’ve died.  Even if some other random heroes came out of left field to stop Zod, he’d probably at least level Metropolis before they made any progress.  How can anyone even begin to blame Superman for the loss of life?  If Superman hadn’t done anything, all those same people would’ve died any damn way as Zod’s World Engine thoroughly raped the shit out of Metropolis.  Why the fuck does this point seem to be lost on every fucking person in BvS, especially Senator Finch and damn Batman!!??

Aside from the aforementioned stupidity, I can understand Batman’s trepidation about Superman.  He’s super powerful, we don’t really know much about him, and even though he basically saved the world, it’s still difficult to predict his future intentions or actions.  The film had some interesting subject matter to work with, but it’s really hard to put together a coherent story out of what’s going on.  We’re always jumping from one setting to another, maybe with different characters, we’ve got no clue how much time is passing, and we don’t really get any quality time with any of our characters.  It’s extremely hard to make an emotional connection with anyone in this film.

This next point hits at the DCEU on a deeper level, but it’s a point worth making.  Excuse my French, but quite frankly, DC blew its load way way way too damn early.  I guess I can understand DC’s decision not to want to produce the second Batman origin story inside of 10 or 11 years, but they didn’t have to jump forward 20 years into Batman’s career.  We’ve got 2 huge DC events wrapped into one here: The Dark Knight Returns / Batman vs. Superman, and the Death of Superman.  

Of all things, Ben Affleck as an older, hardened, more weathered Batman / Bruce Wayne actually works fairly well.  The problem is that he spends a lot more time as Bruce Wayne and we don’t get to know much about his whole Batman side.  Hell, we don’t even really spend any time in the Batman mythos - we’re fully steeped in Superman mythos and Batman is just sort of a “guest.”  The actual fight between the Dark Knight and the Man of Steel is viscerally satisfying, but the problem is that we don’t have any emotional investment in either of the characters.  Yeah, we’ve sortta bonded with Cavill’s version of Superman, and yeah, the film works very hard to make sure we understand Batman’s perception of Superman (even though we know he’s not the problem) so there’s some emotional resonance there, but it doesn’t achieve nearly what it could 4 or 5 years down the road and with a little more DCEU context to draw from.  Think about it: the stakes would be so much higher if we were 10 or 20 films deep and the possibility of Batman or Superman dying was more real.  But the death of such a giant so soon?  Not even.

Furthermore, we know that neither Batman or Superman is going to die (nor is one going to be responsible for the death of the other) this early in the DCEU, so in many ways the fight is predictable.  I mean I love Batman’s preparation and I love his ingenuity and I really dig that he basically won the fight, it just bugs me that there was so much more potential that’s ultimately been squandered forever.  However, we did get one amazing quote out of the whole thing and Affleck actually delivered it perfectly:  “Breathe in.  That’s fear.  You’re not brave.  Men are brave.  I bet your parents taught you that you mean something, that you’re here for a reason.  My parents taught me a different lesson, dying in the gutter, for no reason at all.  They taught me the world only makes sense if you force it to.  You were never a god.  You were never even a man.”

Then of course we have the big battle with Doomsday (who’s never quite named, Luthor simply introduces it to Superman as “your doomsday”), the stuff with Wonder Woman, the kryptonite spear blah blah blah and Superman apparently dies.  We all know damn well Superman isn’t dead (especially with the announcement of a Justice League film for God’s sake) so what the fuck is the point?  Why have him “die” when we know it isn’t real?  There’s no emotional impact.  It feels like nothing more than setup for another movie.  I mean seriously, the death of Superman could’ve been a big deal.  It could’ve been a major turning point in the DCEU...but instead, it’s just a wasted gesture.  The first time I saw BvS I sat there and thought why are they even including this!?  It’s not even like we think he’s not dead, or he’s probably not dead, or maybe he’ll come back one day...we straight up know that he’s not dead!  C’mon DCEU.  Seriously.

We’ve also glossed over a good deal of Batman’s backstory, which is why we really should’ve had some sort of DCEU Batman film to introduce him.  We know that the Joker has come and gone and we also know that Batman has become a little less idyllic and a little more disillusioned and less principled than the version we typically think of.  It’s very obvious that he’s already spent a long time fighting crime and that what he’s seen and done has had a profound effect on him.  This is not Batman in his prime.  This is Batman in his golden years.  Nothing wrong with that, but it just seems like a really strange way to introduce a character.  Of course the films can play with time and we can certainly have movies that take place earlier, but this could potentially make for a very messy shared universe.

The relationship between Batman and Alfred was also pretty lousy.  Batman was too old and Alfred was too young; there was no father-son chemistry between the two, it was more like Alfred was Batman’s hacker-sidekick.  Batman at his best is a lone wolf, and it’s through Alfred that we often learn a lot about who “Bruce Wayne” / Batman truly is.  The relationship here was poorly, poorly handled.

Jessie Eisenberg as Lex Luthor was the casting travesty that we all thought Affleck as Batman was going to be.  He’s squirrely, twitchy, nervous and neurotic...nothing like the charismatic business man that Luthor was.  Luthor was always a super-nerd underneath, but on the exterior he was smooth and debonair...this version is unlikeable to the core and worst of all, way too young.  The role itself was interesting enough and fit into the film appropriately; the problem is that the role just wasn’t Lex Luthor.

Forever ago I said that the early MCU films were good about not dropping too many setups and whatnot for future films.  Well in their desperation, DC filled BvS with this crap.  We get the whole Wonder Woman / Flash / Aquaman / Cyborg montage which was basically pointless. we get Wayne’s dream-sequence with Flash (durr huh?) and most egregious of all, every single scene with Wonder Woman.  I appreciate seeing Wonder Woman on screen as much as anyone, and I think she has great potential as the focus of a movie, but there is just no reason in the world for her to be involved in the events of BvS.  It’d be nice if we at least had some kind of bullshit reason why she got involved, but we don’t.  She’s just there for the audience to get familiar with and to do 99% of the Doomsday asskicking.  I mean she looked great and I enjoyed watching her hold her own against Doomsday, but that doesn’t change that she just didn’t really belong in the film.

The movie is better with repeated viewings, but it’s not as good as Man of Steel.  I still want to know why why why DC chose to inject some of its biggest moments into the DCEU so early.  Let’s get on to number 3...

DC chose to go in a really weird direction for its third outing.  Forget Batman and Superman, let’s take a bunch of third and fourth rate villains and make them the protagonists of the movie! Why oh why was this a starting point for...anything!?  We could’ve had a Batman movie dealing with the Joker and Harley; instead we have Harley’s introduction, but since Harley can’t really exist without the Joker, we have the Joker and Harley’s backstory sortta forcefully wedged into all this Suicide Squad stuff....even though the Joker has nothing to do with the Suicide Squad.  Had this been done correctly, we’d already know who Harley was, have no need for the Joker, and more time could’ve been spent on Suicide Squad’s simultaneously confusing and inept plot - maybe we could’ve even delved into the romance between Harley and Deadshot...?

It’s hard to give a shit about most of these people.  Captain Boomerang (I feel goofy just typing that) could’ve been introduced in a Flash movie.  Maybe we could’ve gotten a sort of “Bat-family” movie where we see Katana as a member of the outsiders and another Bat-villain like Deadshot or Killer Croc.  I feel like we should’ve been somewhat familiar with at least half the squad, and very familiar with at least 2 of ‘em.  Trying to mix origin stories and “team: assemble” plots is too much for a typical movie to handle.

The good news is that Suicide Squad starts off as something different and quirky.  We have the goofy intros, Amanda Waller’s ball-busting dialog, and an overall interesting perspective on the average superhero movie.  Oooh a watching a bunch of bad guys is gonna be fun but how are they gonna make us care about them?  Turns out that the movie has a hard time answering this question.  We had a pretty good movie on our hands up until the (first) helicopter crash and we spend 15 minutes watching everyone walk down 37 alleyways and talk to everyone else.  

Once the real fighting starts things become a little formulaic.  Deadshot and Flagg form some kinda insta-bond over God-knows-what with Deadshot saying shit like, “I gotcha back!”  Katana sides with the criminals despite professing that she isn’t one.  Harley, believing that the Joker is dead, decides the best place for her is the squad, despite being 100% free to go (since Joker disabled her neck explosive nanite thingy).  Croc says something that could almost be considered selfless and heroic when it’s time to plant the underwater bomb.  Seriously, we have all these hardened criminals who suddenly begin talking utter nonsense and copious amounts of cheese.  This total shit is laughably epitomized when Diablo, seconds before his self-sacrifice, says, “I already lost one family, I ain’t losin’ another!”  BWAHAHAHAHA what?

The movie skips straight from “expendable thugs” to “mildly heroic individuals, all capable of redemption” and skips the middle.  Suicide Squad really needed to break with convention to stay true to itself, and although it held for a while, unfortunately it slipped straight into the conventions that make this type of movie unsuccessful.  I can understand having one character capable of or in search of redemption - El Diablo - and one totally bad seed who just doesn’t get it - seems to be Boomerang judging by the ending - but this little mission doesn’t cure Harley of crazy, or diminish Deadshot’s capacity for killing strangers for money, or undo the lifetime of mistreatment that turned Croc to “Killer.”  It’s not just hokey, it’s bad writing.  And it’s made even worse after what was a largely successful first act.

Even if you push all that aside, we’re still left with DC’s penchant for crafting nonsensical plots.  Do we ever really get any explanation for all this shit with the Enchantress?  Waller keeps her heart in a box to control her but it doesn’t control her but she still needs it to destroy the world even though she’s already summoned her “brother” who seems perfectly capable of destroying the world himself.  Huh?  And why was what’s-his-name included?  Slipknot, that’s right...just to prove the nanite bombs work?  Just to prove that Waller and Flagg are basically just as sick, twisted, and cold-hearted as their team full of criminals?

And then there’s that scene when they “complete” their first mission, just to find Waller in a room surveilling...something.  What the hell did any of that even mean?  And then Waller just executes like 4 or 5 government employees for what reason?  I mean I just don’t understand any of that shit.  It doesn’t really bode well for the squad either, as it basically just pushes them all away - well, until Flagg somehow inspires them to be a team and get shit done - or what the fuck ever.

The showdown with Enchantress and her bro isn’t as dazzling as it should be.  First of all, from what we’ve seen of the pair and what they’re capable of, there’s no reason that they shouldn’t have been able to wipe the floor with at least half of the Suicide Squad before they even blinked.  Diablo’s Aztec-God Kotal Khan form was pretty damn convincing as a worthy adversary for the duo, but Harley and her baseball bat...?  Boomerang and some boomerangs?  Flagg and a gun?  What the fuck are they even doing here?  The Suicide Squad really should’ve gone up against something a little more human for their first outing.  Most of them are basically normal - crazy, but physiologically normal.  Croc has his strength, Katana has no inherent powers but she does have a somewhat mystic sword, Diablo of course has “real powers,” but the rest of them are just highly skilled at whatever.  And we’re supposed to buy that they went up against this 6,000 year old witch and prevailed with a few dead government red shirts and a couple of scratches?

I’m also not sure how much I agree with how the whole “Suicide Squad” concept is handled.  The whole point was that a bunch of ho-hum villains were thrown together to pull off crazy jobs for the government and that it didn’t really matter if they died because a) they’re bad guys, and b) they’re fairly insignificant bad guys.  We don’t really get a “real” death in the movie, at least not one that’s caused by the “dangerous mission” at hand.  Slipknot dies, but it’s just because he’s an idiot and because climbing / grappling is a stupid “power.”  Diablo also bites the dust, but it’s an act of self-sacrifice.  This goes back to what I just said in the previous paragraph, but couldn’t the Enchantress take a least one of them out in the heat of battle?  A quick blade through the chest?  Maybe one of those weird molten-metal-Matrix-tree-branch appendages from her brother?  Deadshot and Harley have too much star power to go down - I’ll accept that.  Boomerang is perhaps too worthless to matter, but what about Croc?  Isn’t he sort of a pained, tragic character?  Or what about Katana, crying at her sword-imprisoned-husband before battle?  Oooh ooh or how about Flagg? Then we could have another stupid moment where we find out how much the team respected him or some shit.  Really, I just wish someone had gotten the axe because right then, right there, on that day, Enchantress (or her bro) got the better of them.

Suicide Squad is full of logic holes and blatantly pathetic writing.  It’s one of those films where I want it to be better than it is, but if I’m honest with myself I know it just can’t get there.  This might be one of the coolest concepts so far in either the MCU or DCEU, and it’s a shame it couldn’t be any more fun and original than it was.  This is a movie that really needs a foundation to build off of, and the DCEU hasn’t yet laid any of the necessary groundwork.  And like BvS, we get odd little clues to a universe as-yet-to-be-revealed to us, such as during Harley’s intro where we’re flat out told that Robin has been murdered, presumably by the Joker, with Harley as an accomplice.  DC!  Why you do this!?  You could make a fantastic, poignant, widely discussed film where Robin freakin’ dies!!!  Will we get that?  Who the hell knows.  But even if we do, the surprise is already ruined, because we know that at some point, in this universe, at least one iteration of Robin dies.  See what I mean about DC blowing their load too early?

I think - assuming DC was just hell-fucking-bent on an ensemble “assemble” flick - they should’ve given us the Teen Titans.  I know the Titans have some unfamiliar faces, but not any worse than the Suicide Squad I would think.  Anyway, a Teen Titans movie would've been a great intro to Robin (wherever the hell he fits in...), and since the other members are a little more unfamiliar, the movie could’ve simply introduced them without the audience feeling like complicated backstories full of exposition via flashbacks were necessary.  It would also introduce us to Cyborg, which can only be a good thing going into the upcoming Justice League film without much information on anyone.  With a Teen Titans film in place, maybe DC would push the Justice League film back a couple of years (to keep from being repetitive) and in the meantime we could get proper standalone films for Batman, Flash, and Aquaman, as well as perhaps a proper follow-up to BvS (all in addition to the upcoming scheduled Wonder Woman movie).  These films could’ve also introduced - at the very least - Deadshot, Harley (and Mr. J), and Captain Boomerang (and at the most Katana and Croc as well), which would then provide an appropriate segue into a Suicide Squad film!  Ta-da!  Ain’t that plan grand?

Ahh...now we get to this part.  I think most Batman fans and cinephiles alike were just holding their breath until the inevitable next Joker.  Ok, maybe it wasn’t as urgent as actual breath-holding, but damn near everyone was blown away by Ledger’s performance and they knew that one day, sooner or later, someone else would don the white face paint.  Whether you creamed your pants over Ledger’s version of the Joker is pretty much irrelevant at this point - the point is that Ledger’s Joker has become the de facto standard for the character, almost instantaneously influencing the Joker’s portrayal in video games, comics, cartoons / animated features, and beyond.  Ledger took the character from “weird clown guy” to a dark and dirty place, filled with chaos and mystery.  And whether or not the next Joker would be “better” or “worse” than Ledger, one thing was for sure: it was going to be different.

And lo, Jared Leto, who you might remember from Requiem for a Dream or My So-Called Life or maybe even the crazy-ass Mr. Nobody (or the band 30 Seconds to Mars), ended up with the green hair and purple suit. [Sighs]  I don’t know what I think of this version, and I’ll tell you why.  First of all, it’s difficult to label him as an essential piece of Suicide Squad, and a big character like this hanging around on the outskirts leaves the audience feeling one of two ways: a) we should be seeing a lot more of him, or b) why the hell is here in the first place?  More often than not I find myself leaning towards Option B.  It doesn’t really have anything to do with the performance; rather, it has to do with his scenes feeling forced into a movie just so the movie can say, “look, it’s the Joker!”  On some level I get that we “needed” Harley’s backstory, but on the other hand, we weren’t treated to the same level of backstory when it came to Deadshot or K.C. or Captain fucking Boomerang.  

The other fundamental with Leto’s Joker as he exists right this moment is that he has virtually no connection with Batman.  The whole point of the Joker is to act as the antithesis to Batman - Batman is the hero who looks like a villain, Joker is the villain who looks, at the very least, like an innocent clown (I know, not really, but if we weren’t so heavily inundated with Joker’s appearance, the connection between “clown” and “innocence” would be more obvious) - Batman is meticulous and methodical and exacting, the Joker is reckless, wild, and impulsive - and then what really worries Batman is that part of him likes beating the shit out of bad guys, and part of him knows that “Bruce Wayne” is the real mask, and he sees those aspects of himself in the Joker, and it’s immensely threatening for him to think of himself as so close to a line that he considers the Joker to have already crossed.  Alright that was long-winded and poorly structured but the point is that Batman and Joker are peas in a pod, and it’s difficult to enjoy / understand the Joker without viewing it through his conflict with Batman.  I’m not saying it’s impossible, but I am saying that we need to be properly introduced to the Joker via Batman before we start trying to follow Joker sans Batman.

And last but not least we move on to Leto’s actual portrayal and interpretation of the Joker.  From what I’ve seen so far, I have some really mixed feelings about it.  Remember the conversation in Tropic Thunder about “going full retard?”  If not, go YouTube it and watch the scene - it’s a quick scene where one actor explains to another that he’s never going to win an Oscar by “going full retard” and then uses examples from actual cinema, his advice ultimately being that, even when playing a “retarded person,” you can’t go “full retard.”  My explanation is not a substitute; go watch the scene!  Replace “retard” with “crazy” and you’re approaching what I think about Leto’s Joker.  So far, it feels like Leto is going “full crazy” which just ain’t gonna work.  We’ve got to have something to latch onto besides all out batshit crazy (pun intended).  For instance Ledger’s Joker was devious and, whether he was completely conscious of it or not, he had an excellent understanding of human emotion and behavior.  Need proof?  How about his manipulation of others with his ever-changing and equally disturbing “origin” stories?  Or forcing Batman to choose between Rachel and Dent?  Or switching the detonators on the boats?  Or his little pep-talk with Dent where Two-Face was basically birthed?  In some ways he’s got that whole “insane-genius” thing going on...but I’m really, really not seeing that spark of “genius,” however heinous and depraved as it may be, in Leto’s iteration of the character.

I will reserve full judgement until we’re able to see more of the character, but so far it just seems like we’re getting Leto’s personal version of “weird” and while distinctive and memorable, I’m not sure if it’s enough to carry this version of the character to greatness.  Another point of contention is the new Joker’s apparent penchant for stereotypically gang-like activities.  I mean he’s hanging out in the club, all blinged out, driving the (alleged) Lambo...for all intents and purposes he’s a street thug.  Maybe a totally bizarre street thug, but still a street thug.  Maybe this approach could’ve worked prior to Ledger’s Joker but now...well now I think the audience expects more, much more.  Having a materialistic and vain Joker just doesn’t feel right nowadays.  Granted Suicide Squad doesn’t show us much and there could be several other explanations behind the club scene besides the Joker acting as some sort of Godfather (which is kinda what it looks like), but it’s still hard to imagine our current Joker looking like part of a hip-hop entourage while our previous Joker burns gigantic piles of money.

Man, ok, I know I flew the hell off topic there with Suicide Squad...I guess I had more to say about it than I thought.  Like I said though, I want so badly for it to be a better movie than it really is.

I guess by pointing out all these issues with Suicide Squad I’ve by default discussed why and how the DCEU is so far behind the MCU.  To sort of start wrapping things up here, I think DCEU is in a lot of trouble.  While I can 100% appreciate the ambition behind all 3 of their in-universe films, they’re full of systemic issues that Marvel has gotten around by simply taking their time and building something from the ground up.  DC seems to be doing too much from the top down, and I fear that the upcoming Justice League movie will be just as problematic; sure, we’ll know Wonder Woman better by then, but we still won’t know much more about Batman or Superman and we’ll have at least 3 other characters to juggle for the first time (Cyborg, Aquaman, Flash) if not more.

If you’ve read this far, then I’m positive you’re aware that both Marvel and DC have a lot of TV shows on the air as well as many others planned.  Marvel has smartly decided that their TV shows will also take place in the MCU.  This is great - it leaves the door wide open...if each and everything little thing doesn’t connect, that’s ok, because that’s how universes work.  However, if the situation permits, they’ve got an assload of material to work with should they choose to do something epic and massively rewarding for fans.  DC, well, DC is just being a dumbass about it all.  They’ve got lots of shows - Gotham, Supergirl, Arrow, Flash, probably more on the way (something based around the “Birds of Prey” I think?  or is that already a thing...?).  DC has a perfect, golden opportunity to play catch-up within this medium, but what do the do?  Drop the fucking ball.  They’ve said conclusively that the TV shows do not take place in the same universe as the films; furthermore, they seem to be on the fence or downright confused as to whether or not all of the TV shows are happening in the same universe.  If I remember correctly, there was some sort of Flash / Supergirl crossover but instead of treating it as a full-fledged crossover, the pulled some comic book trickery and said some shit about one show existing within “Earth-2,” implying that the visiting show was outside the “normal” continuity of the home show.  How fucked up is that?  And why?  Wouldn’t it actually be easier to sit down and work out the connections from the beginning rather than doing what the fuck ever year after year and completely destroying what could be a built in fan base for all DC-related / inspired media...?

As painful as it is to watch DC dig this hole, I’m equally interested in how the MCU is going to grow and evolve in the next couple of years, particularly as this “first generation” of heroes gives way to a new group.  Now in a comic book the writers can keep on cranking out Iron Man stories one after the other for years on end, but somehow I don’t think the MCU will work out this way.  The simple fact is that we’re not going to be following Iron Man and Cap and Thor and Hulk and whoever else indefinitely.  Maybe one of these days these sorts of franchises will become so incredibly lucrative that these companies will “breed” and groom actors to play a certain role indefinitely, but I think I can comfortably assert that reasonably well known actors like Downey Jr. and Evans and Hemsworth and Jackson don’t want to be associated with these characters for the rest of their careers.  I’m sure the paycheck is nice, but from an artistic perspective, these guys and gals are going to want to move on at some point, whether it’s 3 or 9 or 16 movies down the road.  

I sincerely hope the MCU can keep the momentum going but I do have some doubts...after all, our A-team (both actors and heroes) of Iron Man, Thor, Cap, and Hulk got knocked back a few notches between Age of Ultron and Civil War - compare the previous cast the the “new” team of Avengers: Cap, Vision, Scarlet Witch, and Falcon.  

I guess you can count Hawkeye and Black Widow in there somewhere, but honestly, I’ve got 3 words for those 2 characters: dead fucking weight.  And really, Johansson is way too damn hot to be thrown in the background set on “dual-wield” while Hulk runs up buildings and Thor obliterates giant bio-organic floating skeleton creatures with a hammer and Stark whizzes around popping off plasma bolts and Cap sets his shield to physics = null.  C’mon Marvel, she’s freakin' gorgeous and all you can do is put her in dumb scenes with the Hulk, who is easily the least interesting Avenger outside of battle.

I digress.  For the record Margot Robbie was insanely hot in Suicide Squad - 50% of that is just ‘cause she’s a good looking chick, but the other 50% that really sets my loins aflame is the whole kinderwhore-inspired look.  (For the record, she also played Jordan Belford’s (Leo DiCaprio) wife in Wolf of Wall Street and she was pretty damn hot there as well (I didn’t know that was her until I specifically looked up what else she’d been in)...but the kinderwhore-ish look just pushed her into a whole other realm of fucking sexy.)  But then of course you get into that whole “2-kinds-of-hot” thing...Robbie, Suicide Squad version, is hot in that, “agh I want to fuck that right now” sort of way, whereas Johansson - although most absolutely definitely fuckable - also has that sort of classic beauty about her.  In addition to being very sexually attractive, she’s just pleasant to look at.  A chick can definitely be of the former variety without possessing qualities of the latter, but I’m not sure I can think of any time where the latter doesn’t also possess the sex appeal aspect...it may not be as urgent or immediate, but it’s still there.

Still digressing.  Most of this post is one big digression.  I apologize and applaud anyone who’s made it this far.

Let’s finish this up, shall we?  I’ve been writing this for days upon days and I got other cool toy shit I want to hurry up and write about before I forget it.

In summation, I will continue to keep faith in the DCEU, at least for another couple years worth of movies.  I like what Marvel is doing and I think they’ve landed on a workable formula, the problem is that I’m just not tripping over myself to see films about Ant-Man or Doctor Strange or even guys like Iron Man and Thor, simply because I’ve never really been that interested in them.  I mean I guess it depends on who you are and what you were exposed to, but as a kid I was interested in other heroes and really, even the big shots like Iron Man, were more or less just characters I knew of in passing.  Perhaps the MCU isn’t doing enough to make these characters interesting - perhaps these characters just don’t have the same built-in appeal as Spider-Man or Batman, etc.

When these MCU films start dropping in price and I can start loading up on 3 - 5 movies for $7.50 - $12 at Walmart, I'll be glad to give them a fair shake in the comfort of my living room, but as long as we’re at $20 a pop I’m sorry, I just don’t have $20 worth of give-a-damn when it comes to the Winter Soldier (holy shit a metal arm (I know, I know, everyone says it’s a great friggin’ movie)) or damn Ant-Man (I know I know, everyone says it’s a great friggin’ movie).  And in my defense, there were lots of really, really crappy superhero movies that came beforehand.

Bottom line:  DC, I love your characters, but you need to get your shit together.  Take it slow.  You don’t have to one-up the MCU just yet, and you’re on the road to potentially ruining what may be the greatest hero of our times, Batman.  And please, do something about your godawful TV situation.  To Marvel: I think you’ve got a lot of stuff figured out, but I think your entire universe would benefit from injecting a little more dirt and grime into your films.  They’re a little too light and a little too popcorn friendly.  Don’t go down DC’s road and make incomprehensible crap that masquerades as complexity - don’t do that shit - but man, let’s get a film with some gravitas, with some balls.

So, what in the hell do you think about the quality of the Marvel Cinematic Universe versus the DC Extended Universe?  Lay it on me!  Did I nail it down pretty good or am I way off base?  Should I keep my mouth shut until I’ve dredged through the whole of the MCU...?  Is Ant-Man really that fucking good?  Was the tie in with Winter Soldier and Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. really as brilliant as the rest of the internet seems to believe?  And while we’re at it, is anything in the DC TV-verse (what the fuck do we call it?) worth watching, or am I in the clear by being as dismissive as everyone else?  Tell me tell me tell me!