#hopefully this also makes sense idk if i worded and explained it effectively

[wereoz]

remember in entropy when any confrontation/sexual tension between reid and cat was actually interesting because cat actually had her own motivations and prioritised those over reid. so they were on equal footing, which meant the famous back and forth had actual layers because it started out as a necessary means to an end on both ends but accidentally became very psychologically revealing, forcing an intimacy that was raw and uncomfortable and grotesque for them both. instead of cat just being mindlessly obsessed with him even when it’s completely antithetical to her apparently valuing her own life above all in entropy, and losing her autonomy. yeah….

[a-dragons-journal]

Hey uh- do you have any resources/anecdotes on monoconsciousness?? I'm only asking you because you mentioned in you and Caldwell's "coming out" post that yall are and I feel like it's hard to find any sources more helpful than "well the consciousness monos". Thanks I hope this is no hassle!!

I also had some trouble finding that; I learned about it from another couple of monoconscious systems wei happen to be friends with, so most of my information admittedly comes from their experiences and explanations (and comparing to muir own). Most of what I have found doesn't explain it in words that make much sense to me, unfortunately, so that's not helpful.

Effectively what it means, as far as I can tell, is that the system has only one "camera," one sense of consciousness, which in most of our cases seems to be locked to the front, but idk if that's actually true of a larger sample size. Switching doesn't manifest as "I step away from the front and leave my headmate to take over" so much as the sense of "me" becoming someone else (as that other person takes over the "camera") and then watching the headmate that was fronting leave to go do whatever.

(In our case, I don't really leave the front, so it's mostly a question of how much Viridian is in the front with me, versus sitting "on the couch" and calling up to me (usually where she's at if she's not actively doing something, because she really doesn't like blurring with me, which tends to happen if she's fully co-fronting with me), versus way in the back where I can't really communicate with her.)

In our case, we don't hold a whole lot of memory about what people are doing when they're not in or near the front, but that may be because Viridian doesn't have much do to except sleep or watch whatever I'm doing, given that there aren't other headmates for her to interact with; we know monoconscious systems that do remember what a headmate that switches into the front was doing before that in the back, and monoconscious systems who have basically no awareness of what's going on in the back at any time. I think that just varies.

Hopefully that helps a little, at least? And hopefully people have better resources than I do in the notes. (I'd love to read them myself, lol.)

[makeste]

some follow-up thoughts on BnHA 285

1. “at that moment...”

you guys. I still can’t get over this. just -- guys. this is Kacchan telling the story.

he’s not the first character to narrate, mind you. characters like Twice, Tomura, Ochako, and Kirishima have all narrated in the past. but it’s always been past-tense narration of their own flashbacks, or else present-tense narration explaining their thoughts (e.g. Twice in chapter 115). Kacchan himself has done present-tense POV narration before. but this isn’t that. this is past-tense narration of an event that’s happening now. this is the future Kacchan narrating the present day Kacchan’s story.

has any other character done that, aside from Deku himself?? am I just crazy overreacting here, lol. idk but either way it’s cool.

2. “...there were no thoughts in my head.”

there was a post yesterday talking about Kacchan’s big moment at the end of this chapter being a little disappointing because of it being an automatic “my body moved on its own” save on Kacchan’s part. the argument was basically that it made the moment less meaningful because of it being a subconscious thing rather than a conscious decision on Katsuki’s part.

but I disagree! for me the “my body moved on its own” is actually way more impactful. and rather than describing it as “subconscious”, I think the word that fits better in this case is instinct. first of all, even though he says there were no thoughts in his head, we know that’s not exactly true, as we can see for ourselves the images that were flashing through his mind. I’m just gonna list them out:

“I’ll even surpass All Might and become the best hero out there.”

“why was it me who put an end to All Might?”

“I made a pledge! I will achieve absolute victory, every time! we’re taking this 4-0, no casualties! the strong don’t settle for anything less!”

“I’m not gonna lose... I can’t afford to stay a loser!”

“you... you looked like you needed saving.”

thoughts about what it means to be a hero. what it used to mean to him, and what it means to him now. thoughts about rescuing others. about saving to win. thoughts about his failures. thoughts about him and Deku. and last but certainly not least, vivid memories of a moment when he needed someone to save him, and Deku was there.

he has these thoughts, but he’s not aware of himself having them. it happens too fast for him to be able to process. but all the same, his body isn’t just moving here of its own accord. it’s simply that in this instance, it’s not thought that’s driving him, but emotion. at the risk of sounding INCREDIBLY CORNY, it’s not his head that makes the decision, but his heart.

and that’s why it’s so meaningful to me. in this moment, it’s not conscious thought that’s driving him, but emotion, instinct, will. he sees the attack, sees that it will hit Deku, and he just reacts. something at the core of him screams that he can’t let it happen, and he just moves. and to me that’s even more powerful than him consciously doing the math and making the sacrifice play (though I’m not saying I wouldn’t have enjoyed that as well). specifically because it’s a moment where he doesn’t have a chance to think or analyze or panic or doubt. it’s a moment that shows us who he is when you strip all that away from him. he doesn’t have time to get in his own head; he doesn’t have time to feel any fear; he doesn’t have time to think about himself at all. he takes himself out of the equation. he sees that Deku needs saving. and the rest is pure instinct. it’s the most heroic he has ever been.

3. “even if One for All is a cursed power... at the same time, it’s...”

I was wondering what was up with this part, lol. Caleb’s translation makes it much clearer; to Katsuki, OFA is both a blessing and a curse right now. the “cursed” part is becoming more and more obvious with each new chapter. it’s putting Deku in danger; it’s made him a target; it’s destroying his body; and there are other, darker and more dangerous factors also at play that Katsuki doesn’t even know about but fears nonetheless. I honestly feel like he’s been anxious about all of this ever since he learned Deku and All Might’s secret. it’s been on the back of his mind for months now.

but at the same time, OFA is what brought him and Deku back together. sorry, am I getting cheesy again lol. BUT IT’S TRUE THOUGH. All Might’s quirk gave Deku the chance to compete with Katsuki on equal footing for the first time. it forced Katsuki to acknowledge him. and both he and Deku have grown so much on so many levels over the course of this past year, and all of it stems back to Deku receiving this quirk.

and just... fucking look at these flashbacks, though.

unless I’m reading this completely wrong, the gist of this scene is that Katsuki is grateful for OFA because it’s what lifted Deku up and allowed him to try and achieve his dream. the scenes of Katsuki bullying Deku and burning his notebook are contrasted with the scenes of Deku standing up to him and vowing that he won’t be his punching bag anymore. Deku before OFA, contrasted with Deku after. I get the sense that Katsuki feels a lot of gratitude for fate stepping in and working to undo his mistakes before he himself could finally get his act together and start atoning for them as well.

and then that last page is really interesting, because it’s like the “blessing” and “curse” parts of OFA all together in a single image. Deku is going all out against Tomura, giving everything he has, ready to sacrifice himself if that’s what it takes. there’s so much strength there (even though he looks completely insane lmao), but at the same time it’s literally killing him. mixed feelings, for sure.

4. “Katsuki Bakugou: Rising”

last but not least! so there’s quite a bit of discussion going on about what exactly a “rising” chapter actually consists of, lol. Momo is the only other character who’s had one before (at least if you don’t count the movies, and the movie spin-offs). so it’s hard to say for sure with such a small sample size, but if I had to guess, I’d say the “rising” chapters are about characters coming into their own as heroes. Momo’s chapter was all about her letting go of her insecurities and starting to believe in herself. and this chapter was all about Katsuki letting go of both his fear and his pride, and just getting the job done.

in the span of a single chapter, he lets go of every single thing that’s ever held him back. I felt like we really got a glimpse of the hero he can -- and hopefully will, if future!Kacchan the Narrator is anything to go by -- become. he was amazing. he took charge; he came up with a plan that absolutely would have worked if Tomura wasn’t LITERALLY FUCKING UNKILLABLE LULZ; and when that failed, he didn’t hesitate to make the sacrifice play. Bakugou fucking Katsuki, He of Zero Rescue Points, made the fucking sacrifice play. do you even know how much I love that you guys. I love it so, so much.

but of course, when you make the sacrifice play it tends to have the not-so-surprising side effect of getting you ALL FUCKED UP afterwards. so perhaps a less ideal outcome than he would have hoped. but he still did good. and he stopped Deku from getting murdered, and so now hopefully Deku and Shouto can mount some sort of aggrieved revenge counterattack to do their fallen friend justice. time for my other two sons to get to work! maybe Shouto can make Deku some new arms out of ice.

[corpsereviver-if]

Soo if I may ask, what kinda person can Angel be? And how will it affect the game and story? Beyond the moral dilemmas at least, more do their disposition and how their approach to the world affects it ya know? Like being cheery or solemn etc

Idk if this makes sense but hopefully! It does

My aim is to give the player as much agency as possible for their Angel's personality and aspect on the world. If a player wants to have an approach and personality akin to their brother, they will be able to do so. If they want to be more passive and light-hearted instead, the liberty is theirs.

Also I'm writing this when I've been awake for 19 hours (I've been writing for the story all day + played a session of pathfinder a few hours ago), so please forgive me if something doesn't make sense or I answered your question wrong.

Below is a list of some areas where the player will have agency as to what they do in the story that has consequences and effects:

COMBAT -

During combat, Angel will always have the choice of being lethal or non-lethal. Since they are their brother's greatest influencer, they can gradually influence him to agent his own actions instead of fully pursuing his bloodlust. Reason why I say gradually is because he's a stubborn man. He has his reasons, and the siblings have lived for around a deca-millenium, so it'll be hard to teach the old dog new tricks.

So with Angel's choice of being lethal or non-lethal, and their influence on their brother's actions, that will affect how people in Eldris perceive the two. The death or mercy of certain characters will also come with consequence or reward.

PERSONALITY -

Angel can be open about their status as a holy being, or they can choose not to. Saying they are an angel will definitely open many doors for them, yet being quiet about it won't put a target on Angel's back right off the bat. Also acting a certain way will open and close doors of opportunity with other characters and places.

The personality of Angel will affect a lot of people's opinions in the world. Anything of the divine and unholy do not have a beloved reputation in Eldris :p but maybe Angel can change that by being kind and friendly or further encourage fear by being the opposite of what people expect when face to face with an angel? Maybe a mix of both or something else to keep people guessing and on their toes.

// I feel like I need to further explain or expand on this but my brain very sleepy sorry (╯︵╰,) ...I think this was the main point of your ask, but I have a habit of detailing my answers or words.

EXPLORATION -

I've been thinking about this, and it's tough. Exploring places that branch away from the main narrative trunk means a lot more variables and work, but I enjoy exploration as it makes a player's narrative feel more personal. They can be the curious explorer they want to be, or they can focus on the main goals at hand. And I do want to reward players for branching off when applicable.

However, I'm not 100% sure how I will approach exploration yet, but I know for sure that I will not make it like a movie or book where only the main-plot-important doors are ever opened. If that makes sense 😉

And I have no more brain juice to think of any other sections or count my ABCs, so if you have any further inquiries feel free to send em and I will gladly try to answer them to the best of my abilities when I have more energy!

Sleep time now, goodnight or morning, wherever you are! ♥️

[pafltheories]

I did some (brief) research into the drugs listed in COMFORT ZONE!

- Just about all of them had side effects/connections with nausea and vomiting, which would explain why Dima looks like he's getting sick a LOT in the video

- I can't find where it'd connect to COMFORT ZONE, but most of them also had side effects related to asthma and respiratory depression? Which, it's interesting to think about Dima also having really bad lungs/breathing (similar to a headcanon I saw once about Anya having asthma because of suffering from secondhand smoke)

- ALL of them were some form of pain relief medication, which'd make sense with Dima's migraines when it comes to his powers, and that'd explain why he's being given so many

- High doses of Aspirin can result in ringing in the ears, which makes me think of the bridge/breakdown with Dima in the bathroom? Which is really neat!!! Nice little touch, Ferry

- Paracetamol is also known as Acetaminophen, which is the main ingredient in Tylenol. It's really effective for migraines, and the Paracetamol is the pill Dima holds when the line about migraines is sung

- Idk for sure what 325mg rose would be, but it might be Oxycodone? Which, like Fentanyl and Morphine, is an addictive opioid that acts as a nervous system depressant (relaxing/pain relief)

- I'm not sure what 325mg red would be, since that and (325mg rose) are such vague descriptors, but it might be a medication that helps with irregular heart rhythm? So Idk how relevant that is to Dima

- Activated Charcoal is used for "trapping chemicals to stop some types of poisoning", so if Dima is taking all these other drugs and reacting poorly, maybe he's given activated charcoal to help counter it? Which is probably why it's listed last! It has to be given within the same hour as the other drugs to be effective at all

- The info doc seems to word it in a way that Dima had either kept his powers hidden from Temnova until he broke out, or he'd never used them before then. But it's possible he was suffering from migraines and other symptoms of his powers even before then? Maybe he was suppressing his powers, and that's why Temnova gives him all those meds?

- Speaking of Temnova, I can't decide if she cares for Dima more as a person, or an experiment. It's obvious that she's happy to see Dima escape, but we don't know whether that's because she genuinely cares and wants a better life (or any life at all, for that matter) for him, or if she's just happy to see herself proven right/see her work on her subject pay off.

Hopefully this was interesting and informational! If I got anything wrong/you have conflicting information, please share!! I want to hear everyone else's thoughts and theories too- especially about what life inside the research facility might be like! Thanks!!

[berrykook]

can’t bear it (y!hs)

set in the overtime universe

in which hoseok is just trying to help you understand that he knows what’s best for you and you feel yourself start to slip

contents: yandere!hoseok, kidnapping, “gaslighting” / manipulation, vomit, gore / mutilation, good/bad little girl rhetoric

word count: 3.7k

a/n: thanks for the request !! i had fun writing it heheh

i’m tagging gaslighting in quotations because i feel like hoseok is like,, KiNdA gaslighting but pretty lightly

also idk why my mc’s always be throwing up LOL it’s just for a second i swear

my inbox is open for yandere requests! i do not write non-con, hitting (punching, slapping, etc.), or ddlg / ageplay (in this fic i included good/bad little girl rhetoric because i thought it would make hoseok seem more spooky but otherwise i do not write ageplay --- use of word daddy is ok)

lmk what u guys think!

*☆*ﾟ ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ 

Your stomach softly growled as you stared down into your takeout box of noodles and studied the way the sauce doesn’t cling to some vegetables. Hoseok ordered your favorite again, but you couldn’t remember ever loving this dish. He must have been referring to the time before he brought you to live with him (an incident in which your head was hit very hard).

Hoseok stared at you like he always did, refusing to eat until he saw you take the first bite. He sat with his hands folded, watching you and your hazy mind work through dinnertime. All you had to do was pick up your chopsticks and eat, but something in you could not bring yourself to do so.

“Baby, what’s wrong? Not hungry?”

Whether it was intentional or not, Hoseok’s tone never came out of the woods. He spoke slowly in low tones as if he was always ready to pounce on you. You wondered if he spoke to his employees the same way.

You gingerly picked up your chopsticks.

“You haven’t been eating well lately. Is something wrong?” Hoseok is wringing his hands now. You began to stare back at him.

You remained silent for a long moment before saying clearly, “Yes. I don’t feel well.”

Hoseok clicks his tongue, rising from his seat across from you to sit next to you instead. He rests his hand on yours. Hoseok wasn’t overly affectionate which you were lucky for at the beginning of this relationship, but you now felt touch-starved and undesirable. He held an immense amount of power over you and he knew it too.

“What’s wrong? Talk to me,” he mumbled, placing a palm against your forehead. “You’re not warm. I seriously doubt you’re sick, you never are. Tell me what’s wrong, please.” He leaned in closer.

You held back a huff of frustration, knowing how angry he got when you weren’t his perfect little girl. Hoseok knew exactly how to get under your skin and scare you shitless. If you weren’t careful and deliberate with every motion, every phrase, every word, he would catch on in a heartbeat and do whatever it took to show you he owned you. It only took three days in his basement for you to confess your love for him and start begging to be let out.

You fidgeted nervously, quickly glancing at the front door behind Hoseok. He hadn’t let you out in nearly six months and as much as you loved him, you were beginning to get antsy.

Hoseok was scary, but treated you well. He thoroughly explained on several occasions how much you needed him and how he loved you so deeply that it was in his very nature to keep you protected from the world like this. He even let you free from being chained in his basement after only a couple weeks, which was awesome! Hoseok never called himself your boyfriend, but you figured he was close enough. He fed you when you weren’t being bad and he recited his love for you often. It terrified you when you first met that time you woke up in his basement, but with time you found yourself believing him more and more. This was not living, but you were becoming so far gone from your past that it seemed like perhaps this sheltered life was what you were meant to receive.

Hoseok studied you deeply, noticing immediately how your eyes darted behind him at the front door. He sighed, mentally preparing himself to pull out all the stops to get the idea out of your pretty little head.

“Mm, baby, are you bored? Did you want to go outside?” He smiled a bit, stroking the back of your head and looking at you sweetly.

Immediately, you furrowed your brows and gripped his hand tighter. You opened your mouth to protest, but he cut you off.

“You must be tired of being cooped up in the house all day...don’t you want to see what’s out there?”

Hoseok stood up, placing a hand on your back to guide you up as well.

“H-Hobi, I don’t need to. I don’t mind staying inside…” you said bashfully, tugging his hand to lead him back into his chair.

His smile was wide like the Cheshire Cat’s. He reached to hold your face by your chin.

“No, I’m sure you must be going crazy being in here all day. Let’s go outside. Maybe you can run around a bit so your appetite can return.”

You weren’t stupid. You saw from the windows that Hoseok lived in a deep forest and made a lengthy commute each day to the city for his work. Perhaps Hoseok was feeling particularly sadistic today. You had been on your best behavior as of late - you listened well, ate when you didn’t feel ill, wore what he chose for you, told him you loved him and cuddled him and let him kiss you. His obtuseness came completely out of left field. You were the best little girl you could be - it made no sense.

“Hobi, I’m really hungry now. I would like to eat.” By the end of your statement, you were whispering fearfully as he was now leaning in close enough to kiss you.

“Don’t be silly. I saw you looking at the door. Come on,” he tugged you along, bending to tie your shoes for you.

“Hoseok, I really think I should go eat, please. I don’t want to go outside, it’ll be cold and dark and we’re in the forest, pl-”

“You know you want to leave. Don’t you? Wasn’t it only a few weeks ago you were saying you wanted to leave me?”

You’re crying now. “No! Please, I don’t want to leave, I love you, I swear! Hobi, I’ve changed!” Hoseok ignores your cries, pushing you out the front door with a smack on your ass.

“Be back in an hour, sweetheart. I don’t want the wild animals to find you.”

He slammed the door in your face and you began to hyperventilate for a moment. You knew he didn’t retreat from his spot at the door and he could clearly hear your cries. How did just looking at the door for a moment lead to this?

You spent a few minutes on your knees, bawling into your hands on the front porch. The tall forest prematurely made it nightfall at the ground level. After another few minutes, something caught your eye deeper into the woods. You stood slowly, hoping you were correct.

It was a car. A parked red van within walking distance of Hoseok’s house. Your legs moved on their own towards it. You were certain it didn’t belong to Hoseok as you kissed him goodbye from outside his black sedan each day. The drive to get away from Hoseok kicked in like a horse as you began running towards this car, desperate for help or some more information on where in the country the house was. If you were lucky, somebody would be in the car.

You were close enough to read the license plate when a searing pain shot through your leg and burned every cell in your body. You fell forward, coughing up a bit of your stomach after. You screamed for a moment, but then your body stopped taking in air effectively and you were left on the ground like a fish out of water.

You sobbed, desperately searching for a switch or button to release the contraption stuck around your ankle. Just a few yards from the car, chained to a tree was a steel bear trap that you stepped into perfectly. The claws dug well into the flesh on your leg, pouring blood over the forest floor as your heartbeat became erratic. Its jaws were locked far too strongly for you to pry apart. The house was barely visible to you now as the sun set completely and you were utterly stuck by this soccer mom van in the middle of god knows where.

The clock continued to tick as your hour of “freedom” was coming to a close. You wanted to throw up again at the sight of yourself. You nearly called out to Hoseok for help, but restrained yourself quickly. He was right - he always was. He was right for keeping you inside the way he did. You couldn’t even run half a mile into the forest without getting caught in a bear trap. The clinking of metal chains reminded you of your time in Hoseok’s basement and how cold it was and how hungry you became. You were hungry now as well, even through the nausea, and you let out a sad cry as your stomach growled angrily again. If Hoseok ever saved you again, you would eat everything he put in front of you with gusto. You leaned your head against the thick trunk of the tree you were chained to and watched the bugs on the floor crawl by. Your heart twinged as you missed Hoseok after just an hour apart. You felt you were no better than the insects you were watching. 

The pain in your leg was unlike anything you had felt before. You knew it was unrealistic to die from a bear trap, but you felt like you were at the brink. You had long since given up trying to claw the trap apart, stopping when the third of your fingernails split. The blood from your ankle made its way all over the white sweater Hoseok had picked out for you that morning. Hopefully an actual bear would come by and put you out of your misery before Hoseok could come by and chastise you for getting your clothes dirty.

Eventually, you heard his voice through the trees. “Sweetheart!” His voice sang and you panicked at the thought of how angry he would be that you got yourself hurt. You saw a light coming from the direction of your house and you braced yourself to soon be found.

You didn’t have the energy to yell back at him, so you waited for him to find you instead. Hoseok was smarter than you would like to admit and he obviously already knew that you wouldn’t make it far. Yet, he took his sweet, sweet time searching for you.

Eventually, his flashlight landed on your chest and you looked away, nervous to see him. He sighed.

“Oh, baby...look what you did,” he tsked. He stood above you with his hands on his hips, shaking his head. He made a noise of disdain when your lower lip began to tremble. “Hurts, doesn’t it? I would help make it all better, but you’ve been such a bad girl lately. I thought you knew better than to go outside, but I guess you just couldn’t listen to me.”

You covered your mouth to hide your snivelling. “I’m s-so sorry!”

“I know you are, baby. See, if you listen to me and stay inside like a good girl, then these things won’t happen. What am I gonna do with you?” Hoseok bent down to face level with you, still sitting against the tree trunk shivering in immense pain. “I don’t want to force you to do anything you don’t want to do, and earlier you sure made it clear that you don’t want to be in my house with me…”

You sobbed, reaching to hold his shoulders. “No! I want to go back home and be with you. I’m sorry for being ungrateful, I just want to be with you!” Hoseok clicked his tongue in disapproval.

“Is that really what you want, baby? You really want to come back and live with me?” Hoseok spoke slowly, letting you marinate in the ache of your calf. He knew you loved him. Putting you in solitary confinement for the first two months was more than enough for you to worship the ground he walks on. Some days, he just needed to tease you a little.

“Yes, please. I’m sorry, I’ll never leave you, I swear.” Hoseok stared at you with a smile before taking your face into his hands and kissing you for a long moment.

“Good. Jin-hyung is going to help you with your leg, okay?”

Hoseok fishes in his pockets before pulling out a silver key and unlocking the chains around the tree.

“Wow, baby, you must have really run into this trap for it to have closed on you so hard...we better take it out in the house.”

You stared at him in shock. “This...this trap was yours?” Hoseok smoothed the top of your head.

“Everything on this land is mine,” he hissed with a sweet smile. 

“B-but, I’ve never seen you drive this car. And why do you have bear traps!? You don’t hunt, Hoseok!” You are steadily becoming more hysterical and Hoseok sighs, hugging you to him. You holler at the pain of him shifting your leg.

“Baby, this is Jungkook’s car. You remember him, right? He’s taking his fianceè to Busan soon and they’ll need a car to hold their kids someday. He’s keeping it here because his apartment only gives him one parking space.” Hoseok kisses your cheek, rubbing your back when your crying intensifies. Ah, he’ll need to bring you back home soon before you lose too much blood. “You can understand that, can’t you?”

Hyperventilating on top of a foot caught in a bear trap had you lightheaded. You rested your cheek against Hoseok’s shoulder. “How am I supposed to get this off my foot?” You sobbed.

Hoseok cooed, rubbing your back a little harder. “I thought you knew what’s best for yourself...since you’re such a big girl and you always take ca-”

You cut him off with a wail. “Hoseok, please help me! I’ll die here, please!” He hissed at your yelling on his shoulder.

“Shh, stop that! Ah, I guess I can try and help you get back to the house. I thought you didn’t need someone like me…” Hoseok got started on unchaining the trap.

“No, I-I do need you! I’m sorry, I’ll never act out again…” you mumbled ashamedly. Hoseok heaved you up with a pained scream from you. He kissed your cheek in a lame attempt to calm you.

“Yeah? Are you going to be my good girl and stay inside the house?”

You cried a bit harder when he said this, remembering how you bawled on his front steps after he shut the door on you.

“Yes, I promise,” you whimpered.

“Good. Jin-hyung will be here in an hour to help fix you. Shh, don’t cry, I know it’s a long time,” he whispered to you. You cried all the way to the house and all the way down the concrete stairs to Hoseok’s basement.

“I don’t like it here, Hobi, please...can’t we go somewhere else?” Hoseok calmed your weeping by playing with your hair.

“This is what’s best. I’m here with you, my love...remember I love you so much.” He kissed your forehead softly. “We’ll get you out of this mess.”

You wrapped your hands around the sheets of the bed Hoseok placed you on and writhed in agony.

“It hurts,” you mumbled, still crying softly.

Hoseok cooed, “Aw, my baby…”

The anger within you began to rise like a tidal wave. Perhaps it was being back in this bed under Hoseok’s house, or perhaps you were finally understanding the lengths Hoseok would go to in order to claim you. The throbbing in your ankle aligned with a new throbbing in your head. Hoseok lay with you on the bed you woke up chained to all those months ago when he first took you. It took three strokes to the top of our head for you to snap.

“You did this to me,” you whispered, turning your face away from him.

Hoseok stopped stroking your hair as if he had just been doused with cold water.

“Huh? Say that again for me, baby, I didn’t quite hear you.” Hoseok tangled his fingers in your hair. You braced yourself for a harsh tug.

“This is your trap. I didn’t even want to go outside. I wasn’t even being bad.”

You didn’t force yourself to look at him as you spoke. You couldn’t even remember the last time you had stood up to him...was it recent? Wasn’t it during those first three days in his basement? It felt like a dream.

“I’ve been perfect these last few months. You kidnapped me yet I have been perfect for you! I didn’t deserve this!” You were steadily becoming hysterical. It felt good to let yourself become unraveled after weeks of living complacently in his clutch. Hoseok still hadn’t said anything, still keeping his hand gently against your scalp.

“How could you do this to me? I’ve done everything you’ve asked of me and you put me in a bear trap for what? Not eating my dinner? I didn’t eat because you make me sick!”

At this point, Hoseok began calmly rising from the bed and making his way over to your trapped foot. You barely noticed, too wound up in your angry rant. You didn’t care anymore. There was just no right way to be Hoseok’s victim, and there was no hope for escape either. You were surrounded by miles of forest and the only communication with other humans was Hoseok’s equally repulsive friends and two of them were moving across the country soon. You envied them and their stupid red van and happy little life. You had only met Jungkook and his fiancèe once, but they seemed to love each other deeply. You once wished for something like that, at least before Hoseok came into your life.

“You stupid motherfucker! Piece of shit! Fix my fucking leg, you asshole!” Hoseok watched you yell with blank eyes before cracking a slight smile. He chuckled, adoring the way your tongue was so sharp.

“Are you done, sweetie?” He massaged your calves. The pain in your foot almost felt as hot as the rage bubbling through your veins at the moment.

“You’re going to burn in hell for what you’ve done to me. Son of the devil,” you hissed.

Hoseok grinned wordlessly again before placing his hands on both sides of the bear trap and releasing its jaws with a manly grunt. A scream ripped through you, dying into dry sobs after a moment. You supposed it was good that he did it when you were furious and the adrenaline was pushing you off the edge.

Hoseok was panting heavily. “Baby, did you know that some animals gnaw their own limbs off to free themselves from bear traps?” You watched with a glare as he fiddled with the contraption. You prayed that he would be offended enough to just kill you already. “I haven’t seen it happen myself. Some hunters find bear traps inhumane for that very reason. I understand. The animal has done no wrong, correct?” The shoddy lighting of his basement cast a shadow over his face.

“I can’t imagine how it would feel to be so helpless like that...so scared and alone...you must have felt that way back in that forest, huh? Baby?” You refused to entertain him any longer. Hoseok was being oddly soft-spoken and gentle with his tone. It wasn’t often that he brought out this voice.

“You must be so upset, huh? Scared, maybe even suicidal. You might even feel like a lost cause.” The trap snapped back into its original open position with a clang. “I’ve never viewed you that way. All I’ve ever seen you as was my perfect girl, even when you weren’t being so good. I never lost hope in you. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to snap out of it and love me too and fucking mean it.” His tone turned angry for a second, but he quickly shut it down. You stared at how he held the open trap with such expertise.

“You might think you were being so careful and good, but I see right through you. I just know you so well, baby. I knew deep down, there was still a part of you that defied me, even though I just wanted you to be your best self. I knew there was still some part of you left for me to crack apart and mold to include me with it.”

You were much more dizzy now.

“I’m doing this for your own good. So we can be happy together.”

You caught on with a start, sitting up quickly. You couldn’t even get one word out before Hoseok swiftly grabbed your good foot with a heavy hand and positioned it on the plate of the open trap. He jumped back, successfully evading the teeth of the trap which were now clamped around your other foot.

You let out a gut-wrenching scream. Not only did you scream from the pain of the bear trap, but also from the pain of the cold basement, the pain of the thick woods that surrounded the house. Hoseok watched you thrash on the bed as if you were possessed. Both of your ankles poured out blood and soiled the white bed sheets you lay on.

“Honey, be careful! Look at what happened to the sheets,” he tsked. “Ah, look at what you’ve done. How did my silly girl manage to get caught into two traps in one day? What am I gonna do with you?”

You began bawling again as Hoseok remained standing over you. His voice remained sickly sweet and you found yourself yearning for him to taunt you with his usual nasty tone.

“I want to die,” you weep. Hoseok seemed affected by this for a second before reverting back to his calm stance.

He silently came back around the bed, placing a kiss on your forehead once more before making his way up the concrete stairs. You thought about calling out to him for a moment, but ultimately decided not to. Hoseok shut the door behind him, not bothering to lock it. You wouldn’t be able to walk anyway. He made his way to the kitchen, stretching as he did so, and opened a cabinet in search of some tea. Your cries were barely audible over the hum of the microwave heating his water.

[himbo-buckley]

what are your thoughts on what maddie says about her and buck's parents, that they were "good people, bad parents"? bc idk if it's just me but I can't get my head around that lmao, I can't understand how they can still be good people if they're bad parents, the two just can't go together for me, so another perspective would be interesting!

Hello friend 🥰

Oh, that is quite a question, isn’t it? Damn I just got out of work but you’re making me think deep thoughts here…

I think that is actually a question were we cannot find a unifying answer to - because like you said for you being a good person and a bad parent aren’t compatible, but for me they are. And I think we’d first have to define what everyone thinks constituents a good person and what constitutes bad parents!

For me a good example of that is Shannon Diaz who, in my opinion, is a good person. She means well and she tries hard but she is quite frankly an awful mother. Yes, she was put in horrible situation after horrible situation and she broke on that - which is something human and cannot be begrudged - but she left her child for several years and while she did try to reconnect and she was learning, she wouldn’t haven contacted Eddie on her own. She came back because the opportunity arose not because she tried to get back to them. (She could have become a good mother but she never got the chance.)

In the same vain I think Bobby pulled a lot of shit back in Minnesota but he still seemed to be a loving and kind father - so my question to you, friend, would be: do you consider Bobby a good person (the Bobby prior to Season 1 mostly)? Despite being the type of person who went to work drunk and / or high and by this endangering others and himself? Because I don’t think so yet the show frames him as a good person despite his downfalls (and I am not saying being an addict makes someone a bad person but I am saying knowingly endangering others does) - and if you think someone cannot be a good person but a bad parent, can someone who is a bad person also not be a good person?

See, one thing I learned working with children is that some people just aren’t made to be parents, and I am not talking about my time with child services, i am talking as a kindergarten teacher. Some people are very nice and they try hard but damn, parenting does not come natural to them and I worry how this will develop in the future. Like one of my mom’s is severely depressed and she might have Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy which doesn’t make her a bad person - but a bad parent at times.

And now, this is were I make you regret asking me specifically about this topic (or maybe not, who knows what your interests are) because I do have a bit of an expertise in what constitutes good / bad parenting and I will talk about it at random whether I am asked or not (and hopefully my language won’t fail me as most of my theoretical knowledge is in german, so please excuse any mistakes in technical terminology because I have to find the english equivalents and you know all those untranslatable german words? Yeah. Someone finally figure out how to translate the difference between Erziehung and Bildung please because both cannot be education and also it doesn’t really fit either):

So let’s get into it, shall we?

What makes good parents?

First up: parental relationship and parenting capabilities: several years ago the german department of family, seniors, women and youth (BmFSFJ) released a paper on what skills parents need to become good parents. There a four main skills (and I hope I translated everything correctly):

child-corresponding skills (ability to respond to the individual needs and features of the child, be it in terms of recognising potential or setting boundaries or sth else)

context-corresponding skills (ability to recognise developmental opportunities but also hinderances for the child and acting accordingly)

self-corresponding skills (being able to reflect their own behaviour as well as being willing to learn new things; also ability to regulate one’s emotions)

action-corresponding skills (trust in ones own ability and effectiveness; being consistent, both in their own actions as well as in response to others actions)

You might have heard of Kurt Levin or Diana Baumrind or someone else doing research into parenting styles. Generally there are four main ones, which, if we use Baumrind, differentiate on the aspects of control and demand 

(here is a graph from wikipedia on this)

(I consider this fairly self explanatory but I will get into it in a bit a little more, soooo)

Now of course parenting isn’t just about the parents and what they do - children also have needs (and yes there is a lot of overlap but I am doing this right, okay?)

To quote my government again (because the paper was actually quite good, okay?) children want autonomy (a chance to do things themselves), expertise (a chance to develop their own skills) and relatedness (that one was very hard to translate but this came the closest; the idea is children strive for social connections, a sense of trust in themselves and reliability)

Also Urs Fuhrer defined 5 basic needs children have which are:

feeling of shelteredness and reliable love (I won’t explain this further except: google Harry Harlow and try not to cry like I do every time I am reminded of this monster of a man)

physical security and intactness (self explanatory, right?)

individual and developmentally suitable experiences (yes, children need to be socialised but it needs to be based on the individual child and how it learns best and all that)

boundaries and structure (CHILDREN WANT BOUNDARIES!!!! ALWAYS!!! CHILDREN WANT YOU TO TELL THEM YES OR NO, they need adults to help them navigate the world! Part of feeling secure is having someone who will tell you no and don’t do this; boundaries protect from danger, they represent support and orientation, they protect someone’s dignity (both the child’s and the parent’s), they give something to chafe against on our way to adulthood (because listen, Erikson wasn’t wrong, a lot of development happens in adversity, we find out who we are in contrast to other people)

a secure attachment (most people have heard about Bowlby and his theory of attachment, right? There are several types, though we are born with certain abilities for attachment and then learn how to attach from our parents, we model relationships on this, attachment determines our feeling of security and our thrive for exploration as children)

And I’ll leave the theoretical at this and go on to talk about the Buckley’s now, okay?

(and try to figure out if any of this has an actual point, uuups)

As for the specific situation of Mr and Mrs Buckley, let’s first see what we know of them, okay? (It’s barely anything) (half of it is assumed)

they are both alive

they are (probably) still married

they warned Maddie about Doug (meaning they somewhat cared)

they weren’t physically abusive and most likely also not emotionally

they probably live on the east coast in Pennsylvania

Buck may still be in contact with them

Maddie considers them good people but bad parents

they accepted losing contact with at least one of their children

Maddie doesn’t want them to know about Doug

That’s it!

Now, I personally think they might be very conservative, possibly unsupportive of their children. They might have had plans for their children’s life Maddie and Buck didn’t agree with, they might have been the types to not listen to their children, maybe they worked a lot. Probably fairly impatient, possibly disinterested in their children. Not good at the parenting capabilities.

Based on their children’s issues I’d say authoritarian or neglectful parenting style (though not abusive because it would be a redcon of Maddie’s background), meaning most definitely unresponsive though I cannot make up my mind whether they were demanding or undemanding, as both these styles - even when not so bad they are abusive and / or endangering to the child - make insecure, dependent and unhappy adults (like the children turn into those once they grow up), which does kinda fit with Buck specifically, right?

Though tbh I don’t think the Buckley parents were that horrible. I know fandom has taken the idea and run with it, mainly because after three seasons we know virtually nothing about them aside from some throwaway lines and all the issues we see in their children.

Now, why do I say this?

One, Maddie is a fairly capable adult despite everything that happened to her and even being as resilient as she is, she still has too few issues for how horrible fandom thinks the Buckley parents are

Two, while Buck has a lot of issues, being cocky and having problems with intimacy and being a bit directionless and still needing a parental figure in your mid-20s doesn’t seem that uncommon to me? Like the only really deep issue I’d say he has (that have to be caused by something deeper) are his abandonment issues (and connected to that intimacy). And it’s been implied they are caused by Maddie leaving to go to College which does paint the picture that he doesn’t have a good relationship with his parents but honestly, that sometimes happens, right?

(Also, and this is where my professional background comes in, I don’t like how everyone jumps to the worst possible conclusions about them, simply because I feel it sends the idea that only if the worst things happened to you, you have certain issues which is wrong. Sometimes small things will trigger something way larger in us and that should not be invalidated.)

And okay, I am getting off topic again (but again, my profession lies here) but what I am trying to say is this:

I do think Mr and Mrs Buckley were bad at parenting because they demanded too much but gave too little (emotionally) and I don’t think Buck is really in contact with them but I also don’t think that makes them necessarily bad people. (just bad parents)

I think Maddie and Buck weren’t as close back when they were children as they are now (at least not after Maddie moved to College) because the Buck we know would not accept a sister he is very close to simply no longer having contact with him for three years without trying to figure out why.

I do think they can’t have been that bad mainly because of how good Maddie and Buck are. Listen, I believe in resilience and already being born with a certain personality and traits which shapes how our environment reacts to us, but which is also influenced and changed by our environment ! (Nature vs. nurture, ya’ll) Now I know I said we find and develop ourselves in adversity but not just. We also need someone to foster and support and reward certain traits or we lose them and this is especially true for being kind and heroic!

Buck especially has shown way to little anger or capability for violence for how the fandom likes to write his parents, which considering his general character and also the way he looks - just doesn’t work! (Because generally especially boys raised in abusive families emulate this behaviour and Buck just - doesn’t! Which considering how “fuck toxic masculinity” Buck is most of the time doesn’t make sense because being tall and buff would make the opposite easier for him and would make it the better strategy for survival, so this would be the behaviour he would have learned)

(unless our writers say fuck being realistic and fuck psychology)

His parents had to have done something right, because Maddie will have left for College by the time he was 12 / 13 probably and we know they consider this her abandoning him meaning they probably weren’t really in contact then and while the first years of your life ARE VERY important for who you become later (urgh, yes, I’ll admit it, Sigmund Freud, the most overrated theorist did get SOME things right) they aren’t everything and you develop for longer and also a young girl like Maddie would have been would have not been self-reliant and stable enough to raise her literal baby brother in a way that made him resilient enough to become the person Buck has become despite her leaving him twice

Not to mention: considering the person we know Maddie is - if their parents really were that horrible she wouldn’t have left Buck with them, she would have taken him with her!

 ANYWAYS!

Okay, tbh, I have no idea if any of that answered your question, but I did spend nearly two hours on it so enjoy?

I really don’t have a good answer to your question because we really don’t know enough and what we know doesn’t fully gel with each other and urgh, I don’t know friend despite this being the one thing I actually have some knowledge on!

I’m not even sure any of this makes sense and I am so sorry about that! I was trying, friend, but sadly an answer eludes me

Guess I should have just ended after saying: we cannot find a unifying answer to this because we each have individual definitions of good and bad in regards to people?

(Now, for everyone who read all of this? I love you and thank you and sorry! Please have a great day while I go cry in the shower now because I this ask drained me and also Harry Harlow)

EDIT: I wrote attachment issues when I wanted to say abandonment issues, shit!

[matoitech]

hello u dont have to answer this if u dont want, but ur situation with gender is scarily similar to where im at except im in the mindset that im nb wlw and dont rlly kno whats going on. I guess if u kno how to explain it, I wanted to ask how u made that jump or how u could tell it isnt just a "womanhood is like that" kind of thing and is actually "i am a guy"

oh man i wish i had smth that would make it Click for u easier cuz i def understand being rly confused abt this kinda thing.. i got a few Thoughts, idk if they will help u out but hopefully they give u some more thoughts to chew on that will maybe help anyway. this got so long oh hell sorry gbfhg

i think like the main thing as like a tip b4 we get in2 the Meat of it is it is good to relax and b open to thinking abt bein a guy as a possibility, i dont know if this will make sense bc i do not know how to explain it rly but when i was struggling 2 figure stuff out what i had rly needed 2 know was that being a dif gender can just feel like You (but as u become more comfortable w it, you but happier!) for some reason i thought u had to meet certain criteria to b ‘allowed’ to make what seemed 2 me at the time a Leap but thats not how it works lol. u as u r right now can b a guy if u want to or r considering it. u dont have to feel different and u dont have to think abt ur body a different way or anything. sry if this part doesnt make sense its difficult for me to verbalize lol

it was hard for me personally bc ppl would b like ‘if u Want to b a dif gender than b one’ but like i said in those last posts, for a long time i genuinely did not know i Wanted to be a guy/was a guy, or whatever. i had no conscious longing about it or anything, that came later once i was more comfortable w accepting it. i didnt have ‘i want to be a boy/am a boy’ moments i can rly consciously remember putting into those words as a kid, cuz i just did not care about gender on that level till i was a teenager. like i cannot stress this enough, ur life and feelings abt gender n whatever do not have to match up with what u have commonly heard the trans experience is about. once u figure stuff out and r more comfortable w urself u may look back and notice things that may b like that common trans experience, but remembering this stuff or having these childhood experiences or whatever in the first place is not a ‘requirement’. like i said, no requirements for bein a dif gender

for me like.. knowing it for sure... making the Jump as it were. like its kinda embarrassing but literally the way i Found Out was i was feeling all sorts of things whenever i watched promare and i just felt this INTENSE longing whenever i saw galo that i later realized was just me rly feeling the Gender w him and being envious of that.. it had happened w other chars b4 growing up, but i had never rly noticed to that extent till now. and one night i was thinking my usual ‘i wish i looked like galo i wish i could be a guy’ maybe for the first time in like a Conscious thought, when i had never rly heard it in words b4, and i kinda stopped and was like. what? i WHAT? and then it clicked and it was like a euphoric moment for me. easily top 5 best 2 ams of my life. it is kind of a hyperspecific experience but it is also not UNCOMMON rly lol

also figuring out my sexuality was intertwined in that bc i was iding as a butch nonbinary lesbian and i had tossed the idea of ‘maybe id b more comfortable as a man’ around a bit but the idea of being a straight man didnt feel right 2 me, but luckily i kind of made the connection of wait im a man and im attracted to men at like the exact same time, it had to b both at once for me personally to figure it out and b happy about it. idk if thats smth going thru ur head at all but it was for me and was part of my Journey i guess and may help to think abt it a bit lol

and while yes its absolutely about what makes u more comfortable at the end of the day, i think it wouldve helped for me to hear ppl say that just bc the idea of being a dif gender (in this case Man) might make u feel confused and maybe even uncomfortable rn, that doesnt necessarily mean u r not one if youve been struggling w this and wondering, it might just mean u havent had that clicky moment and r ready to rly think abt it yet. i have grown much more comfortable w myself over time as ive figured this stuff out and i am still open to figuring out more abt myself and i think thats a good place to b at! just b open to stuff like this that u maybe had never thought would have a positive effect on you or make you happier.

speaking from experience i think if ur confused and maybe even miserable telling urself that womanhood is just like that and u gotta suck it up and get used to feeling uncomfortable and bad, u dont have to live like that! im not saying that ‘oh im actually a guy’ is gonna b what everyone who is struggling w thats answer is cuz obviously thats not true- and im not saying how i just described it is even how u feel- but like. as someone who thought that same thing but less consciously. womanhood does not have to be a confusing sad experience, its not an inherently miserable experience, it is possible it just isnt for you and trying smth else might make u feel better. and that can b rly hard to figure out in the moment, cuz ur Used to feeling like this and even if youve heard it can b different it might b hard to have that ‘oh theyre talking to ME, it can be different for ME not just everyone else’ moment lol

also i dont know if this is relevant to u but im saying it in general 2 anyone who needs it i guess; being a man isnt a bad thing and it doesnt make u an inherently bad person, manhood and masculinity r not inherently or naturally toxic or something. thats a harmful mindset to have for multiple reasons and a whole nother post so im not gonna b like and now a word about transphobic red flags but like, worth mentioning that that can b harmful or dangerous to trans ppl, transmascs and transfems.

my god this got rly long... if anyone else has went thru a similar thing and has anything 2 add, feel free to :0 hope i somehow got around to answering ur question w all the rambling! i am just one guy and my experience may or may not b helpful to hear about, especially bc my memory is not the best lol <3 hope it helped at all tho!

[vampireqrow-moved]

hey so I agree with a lot of the stuff in your post about the transphobia involved in the origin of the pansexual label, but I just have one question: what are the actual impacts of people with good intentions calling themselves pan? If you don't hate pansexuals and consider them bi, why type up a paragraphs long manifesto on the harms of the origin of the label if it means the same thing in the way that most non transphobic people (your audience) use it? a lot of identities can be used in transphobic ways (like bi and lesbian and anything really) and plenty of valid identities from problematic roots and evolve over time as people use them differently (queer, transsexual). so how is a person with good intentions using a not-perfect label in a way you don't like a threat to the community? if someone is using the label pan transphobically, wouldn't their bigotry exist independently? if pan people do not act in transphobic ways besides using the label pansexual, realistically what is changing if they call themselves bi beyond holier-than-thou aesthetic activism? plus, a blog on the internet isn't going to get everyone to stop identifying as pansexual, especially considering multiple prominent celebrities ID as pan. so why spend all that energy quibbling on semantics because some bi people use a slightly different word when you could be worrying about Literally anything else? just feels like you want to find something to argue about lol. extremely disappointed that I had to break a mutual

im going to respond to each thing you bring up chronologically- im not trying to nitpick or prioritize certain things you say ill just forget things if i go out of order and i dont want to miss something important. ALSO! i will be typing less formally (like keysmashes and shortening words n stuff) in this response than my og post bc its 1am as im starting to type this so im tired but i want to be clear that i am like. taking this seriously and im not like. mocking u in anyway if it could read that way?? i hope not but just in case anyways here it goes!

in terms of actual impact people with good intentions identifying as pan: honestly im not  sure the full scope of the impact this has, so ill only be speaking to what ive personally seen which might not be all. but like... id argue my younger self has good intentionals iding as pan. i wanted to support trans people, even if i didnt understand a lot of the nuance involved. as a result of this, i developed a sense of superiority over other bisexuals and a mentality that bisexuality was a primitive and lesser sexuality. that mentality is harmful, and although im not sure if it affected bisexuals around me (of which there are many most of my friends are bi ajfjfjf) its still a harmful mentality and can easily hurt people even if i specifically didnt. also using it even with good intentions, which i know many people have, still spreads and further normalizes a label that imo can not be separated from its transphobic origins. this effect is not as extreme as other forms of transphobia and biphobia by A LONG SHOT. the bi community faces a lot of other issues but that doesnt mean this one isnt worth addressing if that makes sense?

if i dont hate pansexuals: ik this is part of a larger point which i will adress but i specified this in my post bc i see a lot of other posts that are negative towards pansexuality have "i hate pan ppl" somewhere in it or a close equivalent. i do not shame these ppl for their anger, i just wanted to be clear i think a lot of pan ppl are bi ppl with good intentions choosing a label they dont fully understand based on a misunderstanding of bisexuality.

why write a paragraphs long manifesto on the harms of pansexuals origin: ok 😭😭 the real reason here is that im literally just bad at summarizing. like thats literally it. i also like talking, its a bad combination. plus ive been thinking abt this for like. over a year im not even kidding and just like i have a lot of thoughts and figured if i was going to bother making my own post instead of rbing someone elses that i might as well get everything i wanted to say off my chest. ALSO BTW i literally got an ask like a week ago that was several paragraphs long asking me to explain my thoughts on why pan was harmful and some other stuff so like. this is partially responding to that and partially just me wanting to air my grievances ? idk if thats the right expression 😔😔

why write the post if my audience of people who identify as pan arent doing it in a transphobic way ? again sorry i didnt really understand the phrasing so i hope this is a vaguely correct summary!! um but like... again imo i think pan cant be separated from its transphobia and like. again imo iding as pan is like. a transphobic action/choice? obviously one transphobic thing does mean someone necessarily is like officially a Transphobe (it CAN be depending on the action but i dont think that applies here) but that doesnt mean there arent problems with what they did. this is like very complicated, but like. someone doing something harmful without the knowlege that its harmful doesnt make that person a bigot by any means it just means they didnt know. and i feel thats the case here? a lot of ppl (myself included until recently) know next to nothing abt pansexualitys origins so a trans inclusve sexuality might seem like a safe and good bet just because they dont know too much abt it, and like? i cant hate those people cause that was me for 5+ years and djgjfjdj you just dont know what you dont know!

basically i think iding with a transphobic label is inherently a singular transphobic action that doesnt make the person transphobic by itself, but is still a transphobic instance.

a lot of identities can be used in transphobic ways like bi, lesbian, etc.: this is true and a point i attempted to make on my original post, but i might not have clear enough. my issue with pan is specifically that it is a transphobic response to a preexisting identity. lesbian isnt an attempted trans inclusive indentity that replaced an identity that already existed (which have many trans ppl identifying with the og label). transphobes can use whatever labels they want, but transphobes using a label vs a label having a transphobic origin is very different. bigots use inclusive and supporting language for their bigotry all the time but language that originated with that bigotry is worse.

many valid identities stem from problemstic origins (like transsexual and queer) but the words evolve: ok my paraphrasing is a little weird there. anyways. the thing here is that. those are slurs. reclaimed slurs that can be empowering to many people, yes, but slurs nonetheless. reclaiming a slur is taking a harmful word and wearing it as a badge of pride. first off, pansexual is not a slur (ur not implying that in anyway just. saying) and it isnt being reclaimed when people dont treat it as having harmful origins. transsexual is the way some people identify but ppl acknowlege its a slur and originates from transphobia. ppl love to act like queer isnt a slur, which is an issue in and of itself, but just. factually it has historically and is currently being used against ppl with the intent to hurt them. pansexual isnt on the same level as these and other words like the f slur, d slur, etc. pansexual originates from trans and biphobia WITHIN the community and not outside of it, and most pansexuals dont see themselves as reclaiming the title because they dont think anythings wrong with it in the first place. and reclaiming it just seems unnecessary considering its history? theres no empowerment from using pan as a label as opposed to queer or transsexual, and it just divides the bisexual community for no reason.

how is a person using a not-perfect label a threat to the community? ok i dont think its a threat but still an issue if that difference makes sense? id like to reiterate a few things ive said before, but for me personally, it made me look down on bisexuals and see them as lesser, and it made people around me see pan as the "trans inclusive" sexuality as opposed to bisexuality, and basically its usage just leads to further biphobia. is this the worst of biphobia? no!!! but its still biphobia and why not attempt to target and minimize that? i have no way to singlehandedly stop biphobia, but my post might get through to my friends who id as pan and that small thing is better than nothing.

if someone used the pan label in a transphobic way, wouldnt that bigotry be different from people using it not transphobically?: someone claiming all bi ppl are transphobic and only pan is the acceptable label is obviously a lot worse than someone iding as pan and saying bi/pan solidarity but again, the second isnt not an issue because the first one is a bigger issue, its just a smaller issue in comparison. i wouldnt say the bigotry is different, one is just worse than the other, but it still has the same problems.

if pan people dont do anything transphobic other than id as pan then what changes with iding as bi over pan other holier-than-thou activism: its just one less person using a transphobic label? which isnt that big but it might lead to their friends stopping iding as pan and cause fewer people around them to see bi as a transphobic identity. which is small scale stuff, i wont try to blow it out of proportion, but thats still a step in the right direction and hopefully more people follow with it. its not terribly huge or lifechanging but something small that may only affect the people close to you is still something rather than nothing.

a blog the internet isnt going to get people to stop iding as pan: oh absolutely not. honestly i expected to get unfollowed/blocked more than change peoples minds regarding the pan label (im surprised i only lost two followers so far honestly) but again, someone literally asked me to do this and i wanted to be clear on my stance on the label, since in the past ive been supportive of it. im not expecting the post to get more than five likes, its more directed to my followers rather than the internet as a whole. im not expecting a large impact, im hoping to change the minds of my followers and friends who id as and support the pan label. thats it. if something bigger comes from it- great! but thats not what im aiming to do.

prev point + many prominent celebrities id as pan: the first name that comes to mind is someone im not a fan of for separate reasons but thats irrelevant. i mean im repeating myself a bit but some celebrities in the past validated and made me feel excited abt my identity as a pan person when they came out, and it justified the label to me, even when i had doubts. i have never interacted with a celebrity and do not plan to change their minds abt their identity. again, my post was for my friends and followers and maybe who ever was scrolling through the biphobia tag and decided to read my post.

why spend that much energy worrying abt the pan label instead of something else: ive spent waaaaay more energy thinking abt a singular meme i didnt like regarding my favourite rwby character so like. maybe i just overreact to things lol. maybe i have a lot of energy and since i cant talk my friends ears off abt my favourite fruits or the different voting methods i learned in my math class or what would dreams taste like, then i gotta put my energy into something. idk. i have a lot of energy and honestly? this didnt take that much. but i felt it weighing on me as my friends talked positively abt the pan label, when i felt guilty for the superiority i felt over my bi friends INCLUDING my best friend and favourite person in the world so like. i spent enough energy worrying abt it, and like. in hindsight since its been over 12 hours since posting it, im thinking abt it less. i was more worried abt feeling dishonest with my friends than actually worrying abt pansexuality, but i figured i owed them an explanation for why my feelings around it had changed.

just feels like you want to find something to argue about: okay i DO love arguing but im not pulling this out of my ass for fun. its in response to posts ive seen on my dash, asks i recieved abt pansexuality, and my way of letting people know my views have changed and why since i know at least some people are curious.

i am sorry to lose a mutual as well, and i genuinely hope things go well for you, but uh yeah thats that.

again, if people have further questions im willing to answer them i just might take a while bc i have school and other stuff 2 do but uhhh yea sorry if im clogging ur dash sjfjfkkf

[neshabeingchildish]

Poly Wanna? Ch. 08

Lemme know if I need to take you off the tag. Idk who’s actually reading because I’ve only heard from a couple of people, so idk if y’all still interested.

@adorkable-blackgirl  @chenoahchantel  @riebellion  @woahjusttakeiteasy-man  @up-the-tube   @ciara-knightly  @cactus-con  @oof–musicals @lesbian-so-what  @meadowstryingtobepretty @imma-sensitive-btch @okaygal21 @midernacht @divinereign4ever @xoxoemille @itsyaapollochild

Sleepover at Henry's

Charlotte woke up and was startled by the appearance of a couple of faces hovering above her. “She’s awake! Hellooo! It’s me, Schwoz, from where you used to work!”  

She held her hand over her chest, catching her breath as told him, “I know who you are, Schwoz!” 

Ray folded his arms and fussed, “Well, you sure don’t act like you know us. We haven’t seen you in YEARS!”

“I was busy,” she said and was grateful that she hadn’t been sleeping naked, like she generally did. “Why are you in here?”

“Well, Henry went to handle a little business,” Ray said winking at her. 

“Yes, he had some work to do..” Schwoz added, also winking. 

“You could say that he has some feel good work…” Ray said, winking even more and now he and Schwoz were just smiling and winking way too much.

“The crew knows,” she said and moved Schwoz so that she could climb out of bed. She groaned as she did. 

“Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Where are you trying to go?” Ray asked. “You can’t leave. Look at how banged up you are! Schwoz, get the Bang Bang Bag!”

Schwoz rolled his eyes, “I don’t work for you. You get the Bang Bang Bag.” They bickered for a moment, then noticed that Charlotte had gotten up and began to mess with her own things, primarily, her phone. “Fine! Fine, I’LL get the Bang Bang Bag!” She heard in the background as she checked to see that she had multiple messages from people who Jasper must’ve told that she had gotten hurt, including both of her parents. 

Piper: I saw what happened on Bianca’s TwitFlicks! WTF??? Henry told me that you’re okay, but for good measure, I called up our Bilsky bunch. It's not going down the way that it did, Bruh. Gang Gang!! Seriously, CALL ME if you need anything. I’m just a few hours away, less on a plane.

Ya Mama: Baby, call me when you get a chance. I’ve spoken with the family lawyer and already have contact information from the witnesses for what happened. Hopefully, you’re resting. 

That Muffugga: Charlotte, I’ve tried to call you several times. I know that you’re still mad and processing things, but you need to let me know if you’re okay and what you need. No matter what, you’ll always be my little girl and I’ll always be here for you.

Jasper: Your dad stopped by. I didn’t even know that he knew where I lived, but anyway, I can’t sleep. I’m so sorry about everything that happened. I… I’ll call you. My hands are shaking. I don’t want to type this out.

She had other texts, but she immediately checked her voicemail. She went specifically to Jasper’s, ignoring ones from her parents and electing to check Piper’s afterwards (it was probably prior to her text, anyway). “Hey, Char… Look… I hope that you don’t hate me. I promise, I was just trying to do the right thing… “So, here I am panicking, like oh my God, please don’t let Jasper have gone looking for that guy, because he’s so protective and even though he’s a big cuddle bear, he can be as dangerous as a bear whenever he’s in protective mode…” “I know how it can go down when a fight breaks out. You know that I’ve been bartending for a while and I see it happen when people get too drunk and angry… I was so concerned with making sure that you got help and trying to make sure that I stayed with you…” He sighed. “I should have taken more action. I’m sorry. And, I understand if you don’t feel as safe with me now or if you need your recovery time away from me. I just wanted you to know, I was actually thinking about you and I made the decision to try to get you to a doctor instead of making sure he needed to see one. I don’t know if that was the right choice, but I’m gonna let you decide things. Hoping to hear from you…”

She was about to call him back when she heard a loud bang and screamed. She turned to look at Schwoz, holding a bottle that he had uncorked and he and Ray both cheered, “Bang Bang!” Schwoz poured some of whatever it was in that bottle into a glass that Ray was holding. “The doctors said healing would take a few weeks, but we have a Schwoz! And, we have the Bang Bang Bubbly!” He offered her the glass.

“What is this?” She asked, not taking it.

“It’s a sparkling brandywine with fast healing properties and stuff in it that tastes great, makes you feel invincible and bangs out all of your injuries from the inside out!” Ray cheered. “Doesn’t work for me, because I’m indestructible, but the results in a typical human body are way way great!”

“Schwoz, what is this?” Charlotte repeated, taking the glass and studying it. Schwoz explained it to her and they went back and forth with her asking about side effects of certain ingredients and statistics of the countermeasures for those risks and Ray lost interest, but at the end of it, she sighed and said. “I’m gonna call Jasper and talk to him. Then, I’m gonna tell him about this. I’m gonna let him know that if something happens to me, it was this and you can deal with whatever that’ll mean for you.”

Ray scoffed. “I’m not afraid of Jasper!” 

“I’ve gotten him his own stash of Jolly beetle tears.” 

Ray gasped, “Why would you even HAVE those???”

“I did a major global study using them to break down certain unstable molecules and other very important usages that don’t revolve around you, but definitely was an important time for me to stock up and also invest in them. I knew we’d meet again and you won’t catch me slipping, Ray Manchester.” She began to dial Jasper’s number while Ray folded his arms. 

“Hey!” Jasper answered, excited, but tired sounding.

“Hey. So, I woke up to something truly weird…” 

“Ray and Schwoz excitedly trying to convince you to drink their Bang Bang Bubbly?”

She looked at the two of them, waiting with anticipation of her drinking it and turned away from them, making a suspicious and confused face. “Yes, but something more weird. I got this message from my man, and he was all weirdly sounding like he was blaming himself for something that wasn’t his fault or thinking for some reason that I blamed him.”

She could hear the relief in his next words. “I just wanted to make sure that we’re okay. I wanted to give you your recovery time without me, because I wasn’t sure how you were gonna process that I didn’t help you.”

“You did, though. How would it have helped me for you to punch that guy?”

“It would have helped me.”

“Okay, I don’t know how, but thank you for putting my wellness above your ego.”

“I hate it. I’m glad that you’re okay, but I hate that I didn’t slam him just as hard to the ground…”

“So far, I’ve been alerted that the Bilskys, my family’s lawyers and that girl Karma that I fucks with are all gunning for him. I just want to stop being in pain and to…” She looked at Ray and Schwoz, nearly bursting with excitement. “... Be able to cuddle with my Booty Bear."

"Okay!" Ray said and promptly left. Schwoz smiled and was still waiting on her to try his stuff. She shot it and handed him the glass, then her eyes watered. Jasper was about to say something, but she began panting and whimpering.

"You tried the Bubbly," Jasper observed.

"Why does it feel like my mouth and insides are on fire???"

"That means it's working," Schwoz and Jasper said simultaneously, one next to her and the other on the phone.

.

She crept out of the room and went to explore, clad in one of Jasper’s shirts that she sometimes wore to bed/around the apartment. Now that Henry was out heroeing, she had a chance to explore his place without an obligatory tour. She loved all of the flowers! They had always had plenty of flowers when she lived with him, too, but never this much. Plus, he had an indoor herb garden that the naturalista in her was craving to get to know better. Every plant was so healthy and it was like she could feel the vibrations of them and sense the love that went into making them strong. The artwork on the walls were a mixture of styles. She could tell that Henry pretty much just got things that he liked, and wasn’t going with a theme. The biggest painting was the one of him with flowers. She wondered who was commissioned to do it, because the details were excellent. 

Each room seemed like it was in a different home, because so many of the vibes differed. Like, the bedroom that she was staying in was natural colors, browns, greens, neutrals, warm shades, filled with green plants, and had large uncovered windows, with plants outside of them. It was the perfect kind of room for her. It made her feel extremely comfortable and relaxed. There was a room that sort of looked like it was a cabin on a ship and had a fountain, so water sounds and earthy tones that seemed like a man cave,  but not a busy one - somewhere you might go to become grounded. His living room was white, near the stairway, with plants on the wall and hanging from the ceiling in white globes, and the couch was sleek and black. It looked like he never used this room. All over the place were different goddess statues, most of which Charlotte recognized from mythology lessons years ago, but a few unfamiliar. There were poignant paintings, like one that was of a dark skinned woman, bound in chains and engulfed in flames, like a Black anima sola. It made her feel troubled to see it. There was a Black Madonna, that she couldn’t lie… KINDA looked a lot like her, but with a golden halo and stars and stuff. Then, there were others that weren’t as emotional - a list of Scorpio Men Facts: “The Scorpio Male Is Intensely Sexual, He Needs Deep Intensity, He Has Great Stamina, You Get What You Give in Love With Scorpio Men… HA! Lying ass. You get lying asses with Scorpio men.” Then, there was a holographic photo of fish swimming, like in an aquarium simulation. She furrowed her eyebrows and explored on.

Outside of his bedroom was a hallway of framed photos of the three of them, of course, all outdated, since she hadn’t taken a photo with he and Jasper in years. She opened the door to the bedroom (that was how she realized it was the bedroom), and she saw a beautiful, elegant white and gold bedroom with white and yellow (she presumed fake) flowers sprinkled along the ground, and a bed with an ornate gold canopy adorned with sheer drapery. 

Normally, she wouldn’t have walked into someone’s bedroom, but she was now invested in the absolute lavishness of it and stepped in to look at the detailing of the headboard, and noticed other things, like the mirrored wall behind the bed, and floral designs in the gold of the bed and lamps. There were flower petals in the bed and she picked up and few to touch, and saw that those were real. Then she heard him clear his throat. She yelped. “Sorry, I wasn’t snooping. I was just looking around…” She said, dropping the petals. She stood up and looked up at him, still in his Feel Good uniform, a dark burgundy and blue armored outfit with silver and black accents and tools. She hadn’t seen him in it before. He… looked really good… “I gave myself a tour and the room was so pretty, I just wanted a closer look.”

“It’s all good. Make yourself at home,” he said and blew a bubble, which transformed him back to his regular self, in a t-shirt and jeans. He still looked really good, to her. “Did you sleep well?” He asked.

“I did. But, Schwoz came in with Bang Bang Bubbly, and now, I’m restless.”

“Yeah, that stuff is something else. But, it gets you healed quickly.” He was standing, with his hands in his pockets and they were quiet for a moment, before he said, “Oh, damn. I’m so rude. Have you eaten? I can make you something.”

“I haven’t, but Jasper was on his way over, so I thought we might get something.”

“I’ll call him and let him know I’ll cook. The least that I can do is be a good host, after getting you slammed onto concrete.”

“Why is everybody trying to take credit for that? I’m certainly not about to blame myself because I got up and walked towards her. He made a choice, and I’m pressing charges.”

Henry’s face brightened, “Thank God. I thought you’d wake up hating me even more.”

“I don’t hate you. I hate that you hurt me. I hate that I trusted you. I hate how things ended. But, I’ve decided not to hate any person for being whoever they are. Trying that whole “hate the sin, not the sinner” trope.”

“How’s it working?”

“To be honest, I feel like I’m more upset to have learned about how much you hurt Jasper.” He winced. “I mean, I know I can be a bitch, and I know that a lot of the time, I was insufferable. I can easily look back on past me and think that cheating on me was not as criminal as it felt at the time. Not saying that I don’t blame you for your choices, just that I understand them better, the older that I get. You still should have been my friend enough to be honest with me where you weren’t happy or satisfied, but… what happened with Jasper? No vague shit, no sugar coding. Tell me what you did to him.”

“I’m feeling like at this point, if Henry REALLY wants us to love him again, or at least me, he’s gonna have to start just being straightforward and straight up with me. Jasper and I are on two very different wavelengths, so it takes something different to appease me. I’m tired of being kept in the dark about Jasper, when they both know everything about what happened between Henry and I.”

Henry sighed, ran a hand through his hair and held his hand out towards the bed. She sat down and he joined her and began to tell her the truth.

“It all just kinda happened. It started out as a fling, a rebound, after you left… Like… three months after you left, actually… Well, if I’m being honest, it began before that. Jasper and I experimented in school. Nothing major, just making out and handies and stuff. But, that was shut down automatically when you and I hooked up, then you and I got together and I never thought about Jasper that way, really. I still thought he was attractive and lovable, but for me, we were done. When you and me were together those 4 years, Jasper, I guess didn’t get over me as easily and so whenever you and me broke up, he was there for me in a way that I wasn’t expecting. But, I was hurting and I needed it, whether or not it occurred to me that I needed him. 

About a year later, he started talking about our ‘anniversary,’ like… we were together or something, and don’t get me wrong, we had been going pretty hard and heavy for a year, at that point, but I hadn’t expected a year of that to pass by. Jasper was just so good to me and so easy to be with. A year in, I still wasn’t emotionally where I needed to be in order to be good back to him. So, I told him that I didn’t want to put any labels on us…” “I was pretty scared of being in a relationship after what happened with Char. I didn’t realize at the time that being involved with Jasper the way that I was, WAS being in a relationship with him. I felt like we were two dudes who loved each other, having a good time together.”

“So… Whenever he spoke about this one year anniversary, I chickened out. I self sabotaged. I would try to tell him, but I’d see his face and lose the nerve. I knew that I was gonna hurt him, and I figured that it was best just not to tell him, even though I wasn’t happy and the fact that I was doing stuff behind his back was a huge portion of why I wasn’t happy…”

“Why didn’t you just STOP? You had your degree by then, didn’t you?”

“I had studied psychology, but I don’t know. I hadn’t sorted through my own things and hadn’t become self aware yet. My mom went to a specialist for a sex addiction. She didn’t tell me until around that time, because she heard things about me and was worried that maybe I had her sickness.” He laughed and shook his head, “I wasn’t addicted to sex. I was addicted to doing something terrible that I could get caught doing, and the fact that someone could be hurt again if I got caught… I didn’t care in the moment. Jasper saw mw leaving somewhere with a woman and whenever he tried to get in touch with me, I didn’t answer. When I got home, I told him that I was doing hero stuff. He didn’t believe me and we wound up arguing and I told him that I had slipped up a little, because I missed women.” Henry looked so ashamed as he shook his head, “He said that he understood and just asked me to be more open with him, said that he was willing to open up our relationship if it meant that I didn’t lie to him about being with women. And… so… we tried that, and a little later, I met a new guy.” 

Charlotte took a deep breath and clenched her fists. “And, what, you cheated on Jasper again, this time with a guy?”

“Yes, but the guilt was killing me, so a few months after we were seeing each other secretly, I told Jasper…”

*Flashback Sequence*

After two years of being involved with Jasper, and technically one year, as far as Henry was concerned, Jasper wanted to celebrate their 2 year anniversary. He cooked, baked, set the atmosphere, with music and candles and flowers. Henry just couldn’t stand to lie to him anymore. He stopped him mid-kiss and said, “Jasper, we have to stop this.” Jasper was rightfully confused. He picked up the remote and turned off the music, to hear whatever Henry had to say, “I… I… don’t think that I’m meant to be a monogamous person.”

“You haven’t been, though. We have an open relationship, because I understood that sometimes you don’t want a man…”

“I’ve been seeing a man.” Jasper’s heart sank.

“What do you mean “been seeing?” Like… regularly? Not some one off mistake, but like… SEEING someone?” He glanced around for something to hold on to, grabbed the wine bottle and took a swig.

“Yeah. I’ve been seeing him for like 4 months, almost…” Jasper started crying and chugging the bottle. “I never meant for it to happen, but I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep being this person behind your back and then becoming someone else whenever I’m with you. I do love you and I never meant to hurt you, but being with you was never my intention and I shouldn’t have let it go this far.”

“Let it GO THIS FAR? What the fuck are you talking about right now?”

“I’m just letting you know that you don’t have to worry about me cheating anymore, if that’s how you see this. Because, it’s over. I can’t do “us,” anymore.”

Jasper huffed out a pained gust of air and dropped the wine bottle. Henry quickly caught it before it could hit the ground. He set it down and said, “Um… You don’t have to pack your own things. I’ll box it up and send it to your mom’s.”

“I’m not leaving here! YOU leave. You’re the one who cheated!”

“Cheated is a strong word. We never used labels. I just didn’t tell you right away when I moved on. And… You can’t afford this place on your own, Jasper. Come on.”

“I’m not leaving this goddamned apartment while my world is fucking falling apart, you complete and utter asshole!”

“Okay. We’ll give it some time. I’ll go stay in Man Cave, and pack up my things whenever I know that you aren’t here. That way, we don’t have to deal with each other, until we’re ready to try to get past this.”

Jasper stared at him, not crying now, just in awe of what kind of person he was looking at - this stranger that he thought was his forever love. Who the fuck was this man? “Can you at least PRETEND to be a good person right now?”

“I pretend to be a good person every time I blow a bubble. Every time I save someone’s life. Every time I help someone’s day. I’m TIRED of pretending to be a good person. I just want to be able to be a person! And have somebody love /that/ person, without all these rules and regulations and expectations that I never gave you! I’m human. I make mistakes. I forgive you your mistakes all of the time, you can’t forgive me mine?” He snapped. Jasper didn’t know where THIS was coming from, but it seemed like he was speaking to someone else. He was thinking about Charlotte. Because, there had never been anything that Jasper hadn’t forgiven him for, until now.

Jasper stood up, hovering over Henry with a desperate look on his face. He wanted so badly to forgive him this. To say it was okay and that they didn’t need to be together and Henry didn’t have to lose him, but this...hurt him. “Your mistakes break people’s hearts, Henry! They break people’s lives. Charlotte is not the same person, and I’m seeing that I never will be the same again, either.”

Now, Henry became wounded. He was feeling attacked and therefore defensive and lashed back at Jasper, like he hadn’t already hurt him enough. He stood up quickly and Jasper stepped back, unsure if this might get physical. But, Henry blurted, “Charlotte at least loved me. She took me seriously. She told me what she needed and wanted and I tried and fell short. Charlotte could be a raging bitch, but I never had to guess what she expected from me. I never had to wonder if she cared or if this was just for mutual enjoyment and comfort. We had something very different and you comparing what happened with us to what happened with me and you is trash, Jasper! You freely gave me whatever I wanted and we never agreed that I had to be your faithful one true love or anything for that matter. If you wanted more from me, was I supposed to read your mind? I was just supposed to figure it out by the way that you never told me? I never did anything to directly hurt or harm you. I kept my sidelife out of your business, just in case that made you uncomfortable, because I wouldn’t have known one way or another, from the way that you just agreed to whatever I gave you! So, the fact that you took us so seriously and made up in your head some type of future that I could have told you we’d never have seems like a lot to try to put on my shoulders, alone!”

Jasper stumbled backwards and caught himself, but he was now crying again, “I am telling you that you broke my heart and you’re telling me how it was my fault.”

“I’m explaining to you why I didn’t realize that you felt the way that you felt!”

“And now that you realize, what do you plan to do about it?”

“I’m gonna set you free, Dude. I can’t do what you need me to do. I can’t be who you need me to be. I can’t be the good person that you want me to pretend to be, because I use too much energy being the good person that being a superhero needs me to be. I love you too much to keep doing this to you, now that I know how you feel.”

“Couldn’t you just… stop? Am I not enough that you can’t just love and be in love with me?”

“I could. I would… But, I feel like I’ve already crossed too many lines for you to be able to believe it from me, at this point. You’d never trust me again, no matter what I did, and I’d see it and I’d act on it. I’m… not ready to fight for love. I have to fight for so many things… Myself just doesn’t seem like enough to me.”

“And I’m not enough either?”

“More than enough, Jasp. You’re so much better than what I’ve given you and what I ever will. So… I’m gonna go, and hopefully you’ll be able to forgive me enough to at least let me try to be your friend again someday. Hopefully, I haven’t broken you in the same way that I broke her.”

“No, you’ve broken me harder, because I’ve been in love with you since we were kids and you just…” He shook his head, “Go ahead. You can leave, now. I won’t beg you anymore. I won’t ask anything else of you.”

.

“The next thing I heard from, well about him was that he had called him mom and asked her if he needed to come back home, would he be able to. He told her that we broke up and he wasn’t sure if he could make it. He said later on that he was talking about the rent, and that makes sense, but when he said that he didn’t know if he could make it, she went over there to check on him and he’d taken a bunch of pills, drank all of the alcohol that we had in the place and collapsed. He says he didn’t do it on purpose, but Char… I’d never seen him so upset, and I knew that I did that, AGAIN, to somebody that I was supposed to love. I wanted to hurt myself, at that point. I was alone and it was my fault and I decided that I would never in my life let anybody get that close to me again. “I don;t want a relationship,” became the first words that I said to any interested parties. I picked my specialty and worked on my degree and enjoyed myself as much as I could, grateful that whenever I reached out to Jasper, he cautiously began speaking to me again, and not surprised that I couldn’t contact you, at all. Neither could he, at that point.”

“Yeah, I cut him off when he told me that you two were together. He said it apologetically, but I was still bothered. We hadn’t been apart long enough, to me. But… so… do you think that Jasper really would have tried to hurt himself?”

“I hope not. I wanna believe that he wouldn’t, but I don’t know. It was a really bad night for him.”

“Couldn’t wait until after the anniversary or not waste his time before?”

“I didn’t even realize that it had been the anniversary, or even consider it to be an anniversary.”

“When did you finally take accountability? Because, it just sounds like you apologized and Jasper forgave you, like he always does. But, did you ever actually say, “These are all the ways that I fucked up and I notice this and I hate this. I know that I can’t take it back, but I will never do anything like this again, to any human being, ever?”

“I unpack this in therapy.”

“You’re… You’re in therapy?”

“Don’t you think I need it?”

“Definitely, I just didn’t know that you were in it.”

“That little results, huh?”

“You’re definitely different than the dude that I punched in the face. I just hadn’t figured out if it were an act or not, until now.” He looked hopeful, like he was waiting on something. She rolled her eyes and shrugged her shoulders, “I guess, I believe that you’ve changed. I mean, I don’t know that I’ll ever consider you a friend again, but I can acknowledge that you seem to be a better person now.”

“That’s great! Can I hug you?” He asked. She hestitated and he said, “Sorry, that’s stupid.”

“No, it’s just that I’m still pretty sore.”

“Oh. I can be gentle with you?” She tentatively held her arms open and he eagerly, but slowly and gently took her into a hug and sat there for a while. It had been so long, but scents and sensations that he thought had died with time immediately were revived and he could recall so many moments of touching her before. “I’ve missed you every single day that we’ve been apart,” he whispered.

She pulled away and stood up. “I’d better go get ready for the day, for Jasper…” 

He nodded, “I’ll start cooking.” She hurried away, flustered by his words and the close proximity of him, but not wanting to admit that. He knew it, though. There was no way that type of electricity had been one sided. He unlocked a drawer on his nightstand and opened it to look at a box that matched the room, and had her name scripted across the top and dressed with flowers. He opened it and looked at a stack of letters that he had written her… He had promised himself that if he ever got a chance to see her again, he’d give this to her… but… She was with Jasper. If she was with anyone else… And… he didn’t even know how he felt about Jasper. Well, he DID know. But, this must be his atonement, having to see the two of them together and happy in love, knowing that both of them had some feeling for him, whether or not they’d admit it, and experiencing everyone ignoring those, because the moral to the story was not to hurt people the way that he had, because the hurt would come back, tenfold. He slammed the box and the drawer and locked it back, right as he heard the doorbell. Henry got up and shuffled to the door, but Charlotte was there, already, peeking through the peep hole, with her little boy shorts peeking out of the bottom of Jasper’s shirt. She said, “It’s him,” and opened the door. 

Jasper came in, picked her up into a hug and kissed her. She laughed and squeezed him. Henry tried not to point out that they had seen each other YESTERDAY, because, they had. But, also, he knew that Jasper was feeling guilty when he last saw her and that she had just learned about an ugly part of his past that he obviously couldn’t talk to her about. So… he just smiled and said, “Hopefully, you’re hungry. I’m gonna cook.”

Jasper nodded, “Cool! Hopefully, I can still stay over? I brought clothes.”

“Yeah! Of course. I’ll love having both of you…. NOT HAVING! But… both of you sleeping over. Your room is untouched.”

“Your room?” Charlotte asked. “You got a room here? Which one is it?”

“The one that looks like a ship, but no… I was just gonna sleep in Charlotte’s room, if that’s okay?” He looked down at her, “You’ve got a room too. The one that you stayed in last night.”

She furrowed her eyebrows, “Like.. that room was MADE for me?” They nodded. “What? Why?”

“Just in case you ever came back,” Henry said and smiled, softly. “Make yourselves comfortable and I shall be of service.”

Jasper smiled fondly at Henry and Charlotte felt a ping of jealousy, but then a bigger ping of guilt. How could she be jealous, when she’d just melted against Henry’s muscles like heated chocolate fondue? She just silently prayed that the camera wasn’t focused on her face… either of those moments.

[dottie-wan-kenobi]

Hey! A bit ago I saw that you were wondering if anyone was interested in a tutorial on dialogue?? And I just wanted to say that I would totally love to learn how to write dialogue/banter like you do, if you’re still interested in creating that tutorial of course

Hi yes of course I’m still interested!! But before I jump in, let me say that this is by no means a be-all-end-all, and this is just what works for me. If it works for other people, that’s great! If it doesn’t, that’s totally valid! Maybe this could be a jumping off point for other pieces of advice, idk. But anyway, let’s gooooo

Okay so I’m gonna be pulling out a bad example of my own writing, and a good example for each point, which is extra but will hopefully show the differences, & I’ll be doing it without putting anyone else down so yeet!

SAY IT OUT LOUD, MAKE SURE IT FLOWS, MAKE SURE IT MAKES SENSE

Another point to this one is, can you imagine real life people saying it? If the answer is no, then you gotta rework it. If the answer is yes, then yay!

Otherwise I’m not really sure how to explain this. Making sure it makes sense is easy enough, and saying it out loud is too, but making sure it flows is different. What I do for this is maybe not the best advice, but I use less periods. Commas, dashes, and ellipses keep it from being choppy. Also, adding words/phrases such as ‘well’, ‘like’, ‘I mean’, ‘uh/um/er/etc’ can help connect sentences/thoughts together in a realistic way.

BAD EXAMPLE:

“Bruce shrugged. “I knew, but didn’t realize, I guess. I’ve known he was young since I first learned about him.”

Clint, who was blanching, said, “he looks like a kid. Or an underage father. Think about what he had to go through as a kid, though."” - posted on July 1st, 2014

Why it’s bad: (Ignoring the horrible blocking dskljflksdf)

It doesn’t flow! Bruce’s line here feels just a little off, probably bc I was trying to put information where it shouldn’t have been (more on that later), but even without the second sentence, it’s still off. Time to reword, then; I’d change it to “I learned about it when I was studying him, but I kinda…forgot.” Idk about yall, but I can see Mark Ruffalo saying this, shrugging sheepishly. This flows a lot better and in my experience, it’s more likely someone would say this instead of “I didn’t realize, I guess”.

Clint’s lines should be combined, and there should be some diction added in. “He looks almost like a kid, or like, an underage father. God, think about what he had to go through!” Way less choppy & has some rhythm to it, instead of sounding like a robot is saying it.

GOOD EXAMPLE:

““Stop texting me weird stuff so late at night.”

“It’s not weird,” Sam denies immediately, “You just don’t appreciate it.”

“Why would I appreciate—” Steve reads carefully off his screen, “—Buzzfeed’s ‘Which Possible Illuminati Member Are You?’ quiz?”

“Because everyone thinks you’re in the Illuminati anyway, so why not see if you get yourself, you know?”

“Okay, but at four am? What were you even doing up that early?”” - posted on March 2nd, 2019

Why it’s good:

This is one of those I suggest reading out loud to understand the flow. Banter, at least in this case, is like slapstick comedy, and it’s gotta go back and forth without going way off course (unless that’s the desired effect!). Steve says something, Sam picks something specific to react to & adds a comment that makes it seem like they’ve maybe had this conversation before, and from there, they pass the rhythm to each other. Going from the second-to-last to the last lines is part of the flow; Sam makes a point that Steve doesn’t want to refute, so he continues it in another way. “Okay, but” is like the hinge connecting one flow to another. I’m just talking in circles now but anYWAY THIS IS BACK AND FORTH.

TRY TO FIT THE CHARACTER

Think specifically about the character, and if it sounds like something they would say or not. That’s kinda hard at times, so just make sure you aren’t having them say things you can definitely NOT imagine them saying. I’m gonna go with Batman because we all know him enough to know what he absolutely would never ever say.

BAD EXAMPLE:

Batman says, “And I was like, ‘oh my god, is this serious? You’re just turning yourself in?’ And he said ‘hell yeah I am!’ and I almost died from the shock!”

Why it’s bad: 

Batman is a character who doesn’t ramble and wouldn’t retell an event like this (by paraphrasing it & recounting exact exchanges). He’s a very stoic person, and this whole thing is more emotionally open and telling than he would be comfortable with. And while this flows, I can’t picture him saying it unless it’s a heavily AU’d version, which is generally not what you want.

GOOD EXAMPLE:

Batman says, “The Joker turned himself in last night. I assume he’s planning something, something big if he’s willing to go to Arkham for it.”

Why it’s good: 

This is a lot more subtle with the emotions, and a lot more monotonous, which is what Batman would probably want to sound like when recounting an event like this. He WANTS to sound like a textbook or police report, which are serious and straight to the point. But he can still add his thoughts into the mix, e.g. “something big…”, which shows how he’s kind of surprised and is thinking about what it means.

YA CAN’T ALWAYS INPUT INFORMATION INTO THE DIALOGUE

Sometimes you really want or need to share some information with the readers, and an easy way to do that is with dialogue, right? Sometimes! This, like everything else, hinges on flow & the realisticness of the words. Some pieces of info need to be conveyed through thoughts or actions, and some of it just shouldn’t be shared, no matter how much you might want to include it.

BAD EXAMPLE:

“Bonnie asked, “so…Original vampire? What does that mean, exactly? If you don’t mind my asking, I mean.”

“It means that my siblings and I were turned into the very first vampires after the death of my youngest brother. Also turned were my father, sister-in-law, and nephew. All vampires in existence come from us.”” - posted on March 6th, 2017

Why it’s bad: 

The OG vampire in question here is Elijah, and while it makes sense for the character to quickly summarize it, it doesn’t flow. He would probably react firstly to Bonnie’s last sentence, then answer more concisely, “It means that my family and I are the first vampires in existence.” Maybe with an additional comment about them being the source of all other vampires, but not much more. Being so specific chops up the rhythm and makes it harder to understand, almost, ‘cause that’s a lot of people to keep in consideration.

GOOD EXAMPLE:

““What are you talking about, Kev?” Cheryl sets her phone down, the picture of fully-invested. “Schools don’t just shut down in one day.”

Kevin flops into the other chair, breathing calmed for the most part. “Apparently they do. Dad told me they arrested a teacher there for selling Jingle Jangle to students, and when they were going through his office they found meth. The basement was being used as a meth lab. The whole thing’s being quarantined and shut down until further notice.”” - posted on August 2nd, 2018

Why it’s good: 

It flows!!! For being secondhand information, it’s clear enough to understand without bombarding readers with extremely specific details. It reads almost like an online article, with enough feeling to make it interesting, while still explaining exactly what’s happened.

DIFFERENT MOODS/DYNAMICS

Something to think about when writing dialogue is what mood your characters are in, and what kind of relationship they have with the character(s) they’re talking to. If person A is in a bad mood and talking to someone they like, they might try to tamp down on the mood in order to be nice. If person B is in a great mood and talking to a stranger, they might be pretty exuberant and friendly. Etc etc. Gonna use Superman as an example (this is extremely cheesy but it shows the difference).

BAD EXAMPLE: (Mood)

Extremely annoyed, Superman tells Lex Luthor, “Lex, you’re crazy! Trying to take over Metropolis with a hair growing scheme is just stupid! I’m leaving!”

He goes on to his date with Lois, now as Clark Kent, and says with a smile, “Sorry I’m fifty-seven minutes late, Lex kept me at work! Anyway, how was your day?”

Why it’s bad: 

Okay I know this is cheesy I’m sorry I wrote this at 2 am last night lkdjflksjdfhskjdfhjashf ANYWAY. Superman goes from talking to Lex, who he doesn’t like and is quite annoyed with, to talking to Lois, who he does like and presumably isn’t annoyed with at all. The problem here is that you usually can’t turn moods off like a switch. Even though Superman likes Lois, he wouldn’t walk into the date perfectly happy. The annoyance from dealing with Lex would stay with him (though it would probably fade the longer the date went on). I think instead of smiling, he would be rolling his eyes a little and complaining like, “I swear, he’s so inconsiderate….”, instead of immediately jumping into “how was your day?”

GOOD EXAMPLE: (Dynamic)

Superman laughs as Robin does a flip off his shoulder. “Good job! Maybe next time we could try it from a little higher up,” he winks.

Robin cheers, “Yes! Thanks, Uncle Clark!”

Superman nods and leaves, finding Batman in the hallway. Seriously, he says, “Batman.”

“Superman.”

“Did you get your report done? They’re due by this afternoon.”

Why it’s good: 

Again with the cheese that’s my bad lmao. This is mostly to show that characters are gonna sound different when speaking to different people. When talking to Robin, who is a child and quite a friendly one at that, Superman is teasing and joking around. Then, when he talks to Batman, who’s a grown man and also his coworker, he’s more serious and to the point. Both situations fit his character but show he’s got different relationships with different people.

IN CONCLUSION, uhhhhh yeah follow these points and hopefully dialogue will come a little easier. Experiment and have fun with it (these aren’t rules, but guidelines!), and if there are any questions I’m happy to clear them up/answer them/whatever lol.

[mieczyhale]

throwing together some of my recent/ish hc posts/tags for @hellomyguru bc its a thing, babey (i have no idea what you’ve seen and what you havent bc tumblr really just suck like that so lmao)

my tags on this post::  #HELL YEAH HELL YEAH #more pride hcs!!! noice!!#i love these sfm#like klaus always taking part no matter how bad shit is bc HIS PEOPLE!!! and ben trying to punch picketers and homophobes is fucking adorbs#and i would kill (whoop) for the day klaus makes ben corporeal during pride and ben can punch all the people and then disappear#vanya’s is cute. come to the light darling!!#and diego fksgjf okay listen whether one hcs him as bi or not this is 1000% something he’d do either way#he’s supportive!!! and he has lgbtqa+ family!!! and nobody gets to be mean to his family but him!!#see also:: the first year after the apocalypse is avoided five decides to tag along when klaus saying he’s taking dave to#his very first pride. he not only enjoys himself but he learns a lot and either then or over the course of the following weeks figures his#own labels out - bc i hc five as asexual and i just have a thing for klaus being the all knowledgeable one about something for once#and his siblings learning about gender and sexuality from him and maybe discovering something new about themselves along the way!#except luther. he’s a cis hetero and we all know it#but maybe he learns to be a good ally. maybe#i mean probably not but whatever#allison is the only other person in the family who i’d even consider calling straight#bc there’s nothing wrong with being straight and i just.. dont have another label that i think fits her really well#so yeah ive got gender and sexuality hcs for them all flgkscndn happy pride month bitches

my tags on this post:: #’you’re telling me this happens every year?? for a whole month??!’ #actually i need every possible concept of dave experiencing pride month and seeing how far things have come for gays#like rainbow shit everywhere#and of course the legalization of gay marriage#out and proud gay politicians and gay people in positions of power#the amount of support that comes when homophobic shit happens now#homophobia isnt the accepted norm anymore#another thing i like is the concept of - either during pride or just in general - dave being excited to learn about the community as a whole#his boyfriend is a nonbinary pansexual and klaus has explained before what those words mean but dave wants to really understand#we stan a supportive and loving couple#dave has a lot to learn in 2019 but i think this stuff would be the most important and have the most effect on him yknow??#shit isnt perfect but its better and now he can work on getting passed the environment he was raised in#so he can hold klaus’s hand in public and kiss him around other people without panicking and eventually he proposes because HE FUCKING CAN#HE CAN DO THAT. HE CAN JUST.. ASK HIS BOYFRIEND TO MARRY HIM. LEGALLY.#good fucking shit

my tags on this post:: #did you see the state of the sky in the apocalypse?? there’s a chance he really wouldnt have noticed#i mean like yeah it could be a funny plothole#but there could also be reasons for why thats not something he noticed#or idfk man timeline shit#maybe the moon didnt explode the first time around#maybe it did and there’s just another moon somehow some way#maybe he didnt notice bc he was first too scared and then too frenzied and angry probably and then he had shit to focus on and math to do#and then dolores wanted to go on dates to the local wine cellars and flat empty areas that used to be parks and then there was spending days#in the library together like having a girlfriend is a lot of work okay#maybe five just didnt have the time to slowdown and consider things like space#maybe his headspace was too fucked#sometimes you just forget about the moon - i know i do!#so sfgksncjf okay y e ah

my tags on this post:: #YES!!! #yes yes yes #okay #so#everytime someone mentions or even hints at dave having anger issues i wanna fucking cheer bc thats one of my biggest hcs for him#like yeah he’s sweet and gentle and respectful and all that - genuinely a good man - our lil jewish gay#BUT#he did grow up in the 50s and 60s which as op said would have surrounded him with a lot of toxic masculinity. now i dont think he would be#a toxic kind of masculine AT ALL but it definitely would have forced him to hide his emotions and feelings and idk hobbies and of course his#sexuality. and i say hobbies bc there isnt a canon answer for it i dont think but i personally hc dave as being someone who loves art#specifically: drawing. dave keeping a lil sketchbook and some pencils under the pillow on his cot in vietnam?? yes please#so anyway yeah - he wouldnt have really had any good examples of how to properly take care of your anger - although he has enough#heart and common sense to know its really fucking wrong to take it out on women and children and people one is dating WHICH - another hc i#have that ties into this is that somehow his dad found out that he’s gay and beat the crap out of him over it. because unfortunately thats a#thing that happens. so his main male example was an abusive pos. and then he goes to vietnam which is fine because its not like he has#anyone stateside that will miss him - that will talk to him anymore - and its a warzone so there are a lot of ways to work out your anger#and yeah that of course includes bar fights. and he does - usually - try and keep a hold on his anger until he’s away from anyone who might#feel threatened - and he doesnt wanna end up taking out an innocent on accident - but he’s not actually perfect and so sometimes he fails#and it happens around klaus one time and seeing his love’s reaction - the making himself smaller - trying to hide - going quiet and so#clearly afraid - and not just afraid but afraid OF HIM - freezes him to the core where he stands because nobody has ever reacted like that#before. or if they have he never noticed or cared because they didnt matter. but this is klaus. his klaus. who he loves and would never do#anything to hurt him. his klaus who he protects and defends and knows he wants to spend his life with - no matter how impossible it is#he wants to go to klaus and apologize - try to undo the damage done simply by him raising his voice and lashing out - but he doesnt know#what to say or how to say it - he doesnt know what to do with the situation honestly. so he leaves the tent and goes to take his renewed#anger and frustration out on whatever he can find so he can calm down and hopefully get into the right headspace to have whats#no doubt going to be a really hard conversation with his boyfriend. because where do you even start??#but of course they talk it out and dave promises to work on his anger and on how he lets it out and yknow.. its dave so klaus trusts him and#it takes some time - there are some incidents - but dave works hard and learns a lot from klaus - including how to unlearn a lot of shit he#grew up with - and its rough but having a partner from the future who breaks all kinds of barriers definitely helps#so y eah. those are my brief feelings on it and i wanna marry op 

my tags on this post::   #!!!!!!!!!!!! #YES #i adore this post#i could never pinpoint why the introduction on the bus made me feel like That but this is it!!#its just so sweet and innocent - even surrounded by other soldiers in the middle of a warring country#the innocence and unbearable fucking adorableness of their first convo on that bus just… its so bright and lovely it makes everything else disappear#the only thing that matters is the two guys getting to experience that ‘o h’ moment for the first time in their lives bc their childhoods#never let them have that #i assume#bc like op said klaus didnt go to a regular school and he wasnt p much stuck in that house and then he was on the streets so#and for dave like.. i guess he could’ve had that moment in school? but it would’ve been one-sided and he never would have#told anyone. 1960s. gay jewish man. yeah.#they’re each others first (and only) loves and i just really fucking adore that and live off of posts about them 

my tags on this post:: #what if he wasnt dead-dead though???#bc like… the day five found them all dead was apparently the day the apocalypse happened right? so its not like they’d been dead for days#weeks or w.e yknow??#and the time between klaus dying and coming back is varying and undetermined - there’s no canon timing for the length of his deaths#so what if he came back to life??#like okay i know its not really possible in canon bc five buried them i think?? or is that a fanon thing??#i cant remembering #anyway#but still - in general klaus not being permanently dead in the apocalypse is another possibility#and five didnt know about it bc after finding them all he began his 45 year journey#and klaus wakes up alone and essentially has to learn to survive and he doesnt know five was ever there bc..well.. yeah#five is long gone#maybe klaus lives out his days in that wasteland#and he doesnt remember it where five does bc five time traveled back and klaus didnt. the klaus that got stuck in the#apocalypse is a different klaus - like a different timeline. the klaus from ep1 never got stuck in the destroyed future so#he’d have no knowledge or memories of it or anything#or - second thought - he kills himself at some point after waking up and either begs god to let him stay dead or he strikes some kind of#deal with her so he doesnt have to return to whats left of earth#oooo or something happened that put a lock on his powers?? like yknow those cuffs and devices and stuff in stuff in fantasy that freeze the#users abilities?? that’d be an interesting plotpoint bc then like who did it and why and what was the last day really like? yknow#vanya’s meds but More is the idea #just a thought#but anyway idk im just a big fan of klaus with the inability to die and all the possibilities that brings 

my tags on this post::   #i’ve actually never stopped to consider why he didnt notice them except for my v first tua watch-thru#which is odd bc like that seems like a thing one should notice after a few watches??#but w.e #anyway#my only other hc for that part of the episode isnt that klaus didnt notice them bc he’s used to guns#it’s that he didn’t hear them#or that they weren’t loud enough -to him- to register as gunfire initially#bc like one of my close hcs is that he has bad hearing. growing up with people screaming in your ears 24-7 365 can’t exactly be good for#his ears now can it? and with how loud some of them are and how close they can get to him - without touching him - that’s just.. a lot of#fucking volume okay#now add in the academy’s mission alert siren#how loud he listens to his music with headphones on when he’s trying to drown out some REALLY LOUD SCREAMING#and then being near gunfire growing up. those bank robbers had guns and weren’t exactly a big distance away#all the raves and clubs and parties he goes to?? places where music is played so loud the room shakes and you cant hear anything else and#the music itself can be heard from blocks away?? that’s an indeterminable amount of intense noise#and then of course the gunfire of vietnam#so like… boys ears have SUFFERED. whether they wanna acknowledge that in canon or not#so the shooting at the theater - the shooting thats IN the theater - which is large and meant to house sound#thats happening across a big city street from where they’re standing and they’re behind the food truck and if klaus was ordering when it all#started that was just another level of sound and he’s not exactly focused bc everything is awful yknow?? so either it takes him a second to#notice or register it on his own or maybe he doesnt and ben says something?? idk but that’s kinda the field i’ve landed on for that scene#not that im not here for op’s hc!!! bc it really is a good one and it makes sense. im just rambling my own theory here bc i like considering#the Ways for Things sometimes. esp with klaus involved. this does make me wonder tho… if his hearing somehow is -fine- in canon…. h o w?#bc like bitch who tf can take all that and have perfect hearing?? thats gotta be impossible. if they are fine is it related to his powers#somehow?? like.. does his casual passing between life and death all the time mean he doesnt have mortal ear weaknesses? its weird but im..#i’ve got theories. 

my tags on this post:: #probably in the massive fucking pockets of his fluffy coat#see also:: a dealer’s place #a boyfriend’s place#an ex-boyfriend who is also a dealer’s place#a girlfriend’s place #a partner’s place#all ex’s of course bc dave is the only valid romantic relationship#he made friends with the person who owns a nearby thrift store and they help him out#he has a locker at a public place like the ymca#he only has one outfit before returning to the mansion so he has nothing to carry - ever on the move#he thiefs off of people in rehab and crackhouses he stayed in that are dumb enough to leave their shit unattended#when he sees something he likes or he feels its time for an outfit change#he mostly sticks with his lace up pants as far as bottom pieces go bc its much harder to sneak away with skirts#and the kind of crazy pants he likes. there’s only room for one pair of pants for this pan disaster#after returning to the mansion he has access to the funky gay clothes he had managed to aquire before leaving all those years ago#bc like… i kinda hc that he got out of there fast and probably higher than fuck and had nothing packed#have you ever tried to pack while high?? it’s harder than it has any right to be#crack theory:: he had a bag - we just never saw it bc in the beginning he wore it under his floofy coat bc safety and he didnt need it the#rest of the time.#i have a lot of thoughts and headcanony opinions about klaus’s time on the streets so thank u#for giving me a place to dump some of them   

[florrickandassociates]

TGF Thoughts: 3x02-- The One Inspired by Roy Cohn

Thoughts under the cut!

I’m predicting it now: Despite the title of the episode, there is going to be MORE than one episode “inspired by Roy Cohn.” Lucky us.

We start off with Roland Blum, a new character I can already tell the Kings are enamored of, injecting something into his face while standing pantsless at a mirror. I will never care about these eccentric, obnoxious characters who take up more screentime than they need to. The only reason I don’t hate this scene is that it’s an effective introduction to the character.

Cut to: Maia in court. Someone’s allowed Maia to argue a case by herself! Her opening arguments are shaky and don’t land with the jury. I’ve also listened to them three times now and can’t make myself pay close enough attention to actually understand what happened, other than that a reporter was murdered (the return of “kill all reporters”), there may have been a hit man, and there are two separate defendants being tried at once.

Maia also calls this overly complicated and I’m not sure what is complicated. The idea of a hit man? How is that complicated? Whatever. Case stuff. The important thing is that the jury is as moved by Maia’s argument as I am.

Maia sounds like a student at their first mock trial. This girl made it three years in a law firm?!

Roland walks in during Maia’s argument and distracts everyone. Maia keeps going. That can’t be the best move.

Hey, it’s Matan Brody! Hi Matan!

Roland’s opening arguments are way more captivating than Maia’s. They’re also nonsense and idk much about the law but what he’s doing can’t be legal???

I think most of what I’m going to have to say about the Roland/Maia subplot is: (1) Ugh, he’s annoying and there’s too much of him. (2) At least he works better than past attempts at the rule-breaking disrupter characters (like Damian). I can actually see what the writers are trying to do and he’s doing that one thing effectively. He’s just ONLY doing that one thing. (3) Maia going to ~the dark side~ because no one takes her seriously when she follows the rules and puts in no extra effort would be kind of a compelling Maia plot, but also, it’s still a Maia plot and we could just give Lucca and Liz more screentime. Hopefully that makes this recap fast to write.

Julius brings in a candidate for the divorce law position. He’s another conservative lawyer, and Julius is optimistic about his chances.

And the candidate-- Geoffrey-- seems to get along with the partners. He doesn’t get along with Lucca, though. I thought Lucca was offered and basically told she had to accept this position last week? Did she turn it down and get put on a hiring committee? Was the role supposed to be temporary?

Anyway, Lucca’s noticed that most of Geoffrey’s clients are men. He blames his current firm for that.

Diane leaves the interview to talk to Marissa. Marissa’s got dirt on Eric and Don’s safari (which I didn’t think we’d hear about again!): They waited 48 hours to take Kurt to the hospital so they could shoot a giraffe.

Adrian is in favor of hiring Geoffrey and notes he’ll bring in 6 divorce clients. For those of you who have more legal expertise than I do, what does this mean? Is there any business in a divorce once it’s finalized?

Lucca disagrees, but doesn’t say anything until Liz specifically asks for her opinion (which, I imagine, Liz does partially because she wants to hear from Lucca but mostly because she knows that Lucca will voice something it wouldn’t be politically advantageous for Liz to say). Lucca thinks they should look for “someone who doesn’t only look at the men in the room.” Oof.

Julius decides to play rank for the second time in two weeks-- this is a “partner-level decision.” But Liz again asks for Lucca’s opinion to be heard, and says they should keep looking.

After the meeting concludes, Liz takes Lucca aside and asks her if she wants the job. Lucca says she doesn’t know. “Well, decide, because this guy is way ahead of you and I’m gonna have to vote for him unless you can make a strong case against it,” Liz says. I love how direct Liz is in this scene. She’s giving Lucca an opportunity but also making it very clear that Lucca can’t waffle on this decision or take her time.

Before he leaves, Geoffrey drops an important bit of information: Julius is at the top of the list for a federal judgeship. Oooh.

Adrian isn’t pleased with Liz. He wants to know why she encouraged Lucca to “rip into [Geoffrey] Payton.” Offering a valid criticism of a potential hire is “ripping into” someone? Okay, Adrian.

“Geoffrey Payton makes sense for this firm, Liz,” Adrian says in that mansplainy tone he so often adopts. I think he’s done it to male characters too, but he has a habit of adding the name of the person he’s talking to at the end of a sentence where he states his opinion as fact. Does Geoffrey Payton make sense for the firm? Maybe to him. But Liz doesn’t need to be told that.

Liz isn’t happy that Geoffrey is conservative. “Liz, you’re bringing politics into this in a way that’s not…” Adrian starts. Liz cuts him off to remind him that politics is already in this (she’s right).

“I’m trying not to let politics get in the way of moving the firm forward,” Adrian explains. “And this is our first hire since our fresh start, so I am having a second look, okay?” Liz counters.

“So. I guess we’re back to ‘who are we?’” Adrian says. Well, yeah, because all you said was that you didn’t have a past. “I don’t think we ever left it,” Liz replies.

“But you do agree we should be looking ahead to the future?” Adrian questions, even though that was Liz’s idea in the first place. (Also that’s supposed to be italicized; I don’t think Tumblr has been keeping my italics when I copy this out of Word. Apologies for confusion.)

Liz sees right through Adrian: “A future where Trump wins in 2020.” Adrian acts like that’s ridiculous, but Liz keeps going: “I see what you’re doing. These associates you’re trying to hire, and this partner. You want to bring in more conservative voices.”

“We’re hiring a matrimonial attorney, Liz,” Adrian explains in his explaining voice. He says politics don’t matter. But Liz (correctly!!!) insists that this is about the makeup of the firm, that this is “exactly WHO we are.” She’s right. (I am now using ALL CAPS instead of italics for emphasis, but only when I remember lollol.)

How did Liz Reddick become my favorite character on this show!? (Well, maybe tied for #1 with Lucca.) I find everything Liz does interesting. She’s smart, she’s strategic, she’s layered and flawed, and she’s so well-written and well-acted. I didn’t think a character introduced as Alicia’s enemy could be someone I like so much, but I was wrong.

(It’s interesting to me that Liz and Alicia were ever rivals. I can see it, because I think they have very different personalities and approaches even if they could agree on many things in many settings. I would also guess that law school Alicia was quiet and reserved and law school Liz was opinionated and confident. Wouldn’t surprise me if Liz was the type to constantly offer Alicia unsolicited advice about how she should live her life (or argue in court) when Alicia was doing just fine without her. I don’t think Liz does that NOW, but it’s something I could very easily see young Liz doing. And young Alicia probably acted distant because she didn’t know how to react. And now back to the show instead of whatever Liz/Alicia related tangent I’ve somehow gotten myself onto.)

Then Liz QUOTES AUDRE LORDE as part of her explanation for why a fresh start and hiring Trump supporters are not the same thing. Liz!!!!!!

Adrian acts like he has the same goal as Liz and a different approach to achieving it, but I’m not sure he does. Where’s the dismantling of the master’s house (mentioned in the Lorde quote) in Adrian’s plan? What I’m hearing is that the firm is going to become more white (based on promos) and more conservative, which will benefit… the firm. How is that going to dismantle anything? Seems to me like Liz wants to create a firm with a mission (that’s also profitable) and Adrian wants profit (and sure it’s nice to be on the right side of political issues when possible).

Goodie. The case is back. As I mentioned, this is my third time through the episode. The first time through I was mildly interested. Second time through I was checking my phone. Trying to write about this? Mehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Blum is obnoxious and ridiculous and SO LOUD and accuses Matan of being the killer, and Maia looks annoyed and doesn’t know what to do.

Even though I wouldn’t wish this man on Alicia, he’s the kind of character she would’ve been able to deal with and hold her ground against. Maia talks back.

Diane scrolls through Eric’s Instagram, dismayed. When she gets home, Kurt is tying ribbons on beer bottles because they’re celebrating his new job at the VA. It’s a job that will keep him in Chicago, so he can stay!

Kurt calls Diane “Mrs. McVeigh” which is kinda cute and kinda weird and since Diane doesn’t have a problem with it I don’t have a problem with it.

Diane and Kurt are ADORABLE together and I love how much we’ve already gotten this year of them just being a couple. I said repeatedly throughout TGW’s run that one character asking another, “How was your day?” was more meaningful to me than any steamy sex scene or passionate kiss or moment of tension. These scenes are why I said that. Diane seems like a different, happier, more playful person when she’s around Kurt. Watching Diane and Kurt flirt in their own bedroom tells me so much about why they work as a couple.

The only catch to Kurt’s new job? He was recommended by Eric and Don. Diane asks why it took them so long to get him to the hospital, and Kurt shakes it off like it’s nothing.

“I’ll be doing what I think is important, and it allows us to be together,” Kurt explains as he says he’s taking the job. “And that trumps everything else.” “Oh, don’t use that word!!!” Diane screams. I. FEEL. THAT.

I like how there are two cases filled with guns in Diane and Kurt’s bedroom/sitting room. The rest of the room is so completely Diane and then there are guns.

Diane takes out her aggression at aikido.

In the hallway at court, some man comes up to Maia and starts yelling at her about how much money he’s lost. “My money went to your pocket, you fucking Rindell!” he accuses. The way he says “you fucking Rindell!” makes it sound like “a Rindell” is an insult and not a name and it amuses me just a little.

“It was my father. It wasn’t me,” Maia fights back. You’d think she’d have found a better way to address this by now. It’s been two years and being defensive cannot possibly be the best strategy. She could try, “I know. I’m sorry, and that’s why I turned my dad in to the feds.” Or just not engaging.

Blum comes to her rescue. Now he’s intrigued: he’s gross, so he RESPECTS Maia’s cartoon villain father. He hadn’t realized Maia was a Rindell, since in the time between last episode and this one she changed her name on her stupid website to “Maia Hanson”.

It’s time for another soliloquy!!! It’s Lucca’s turn and I’m pleased to report that this week, we are talking bruise free!

“So what do I do, Joseph? Huh?” she addresses her sleeping baby. Then she starts singing and in the process gets a song stuck into my head.

“If I fight to take over the divorce practice, I have to put in even more hours, which takes me away from you for even longer. And I love being with you. Isn’t that odd? I never thought I’d be one of those women. But here I am, talking like the world revolves around you,” she begins.

“I feel like I’m missing out on something when I’m with you, and I feel physically ill when I’m away from you. But when I saw that lawyer today, I thought… I could run motherfucking rings around him,” I love that first sentence. I like that she doesn’t say she’s missing out either way and acknowledges that being away from her baby makes her feel differently than being away from her job. That’s not really something you hear people admit that often, and it’s why the soliloquy works well here.

“So, less time at work and more time with you? Or less time at work and I forget about the partner track, which I have worked my ass off for. And it’s not just about ambition, either, I mean, how do I pay for schools?” Lucca’s such an interesting character to become a parent. Independence has been her thing since we met her: She didn’t have friends, and, hell, she didn’t even have a boss. I still can’t figure out why she was working as a bar attorney when we first met her, but I would bet that the fact she didn’t have to answer to anyone was a big part of it. (Also wouldn’t shock me if Lucca didn’t go to one of the top law schools and had trouble finding a job at a big firm until Alicia saw her potential.)

She asks for a sign from the baby and the baby farts. Dunno what that means but it’s a funny way of ending Lucca’s monologue and making her realize she knows what choice she wants to make.

She calls Liz and says she wants the job. I think Lucca will be happy with that decision. Sure, she could pass it up and make her way back to the partner track (this isn’t the only chance she’ll get), but asserting herself now will show everyone, especially Liz, she’s serious about her commitment to the firm. And it seems to be a fast-track to partnership, so she’ll be making more money faster.

Anyway, I really liked Lucca’s soliloquy. I can’t speak to how hard it is to be a working mom since I don’t have kids, but I appreciate that FINALLY, someone other than Alicia (or Caitlin lol) is dealing with this question. At least based on what I’ve heard from others who DO have kids, the way Lucca phrases her options and the trade-offs seems realistic.

I can’t really figure out the meaning of the song choice (Lucca’s singing again) but I think it works.

Diane arrives home to find Kurt putting on a tie. There’s more flirty banter. Kurt explains he’s going to a cocktail party for work and he thought Diane wouldn’t want to come to a Republican fundraiser. But Diane wants to come.

“You won’t like it. Eric and Don are speaking,” he warns. “Are you kidding?! Eric and Don!?!? I have lived my life for this moment! What shall I wear?!” Diane responds. Just writing out the line doesn’t do it justice. Christine Baranski’s delivery of these lines is flawless and hilarious.

Also Diane CERTAINLY has a bigger closet than that.

Now Maia and Blum are at his “office” and Blum takes off his pants, does a ton of drugs, and reassures Maia he’s “not going to fuck her.” He doesn’t use the words “try to” in that sentence which makes me even more uncomfortable than I already was.

Blum tells Maia that you don’t make the story fit the evidence, you make the evidence fit the story. Yawn. You can also win by telling a strategic story. There are some arguments I’ve heard on this show (and TGW) so many times I’m just tired of them. One is that you have to represent Lemond Bishop/Colin Sweeney types if you want to be profitable, which is complete bullshit that does not justify taking them on as clients. Another is quickly becoming this “a story is more interesting than facts, so what if we just lie???” idea. It’s interesting, but didn’t W418 (Peter punching Kresteva; Vero lying to the kids) and F207 (Liz’s impeachment strategy) cover this? What more is Roland Blum going to add to this discussion? Because, entertaining as some of his antics may be (and I don’t even think they’re entertaining), is whatever point they’re trying to make going to be worth what’s sure to be a large portion of screentime? I highly doubt it.

Blum tells Maia some nonsense about how she is “in prison” and doesn’t know what it’s like to be free. Then he gives her a fentanyl lollipop. Go the fuck away, dude. (I do like that he seems to insist that Maia can be corrupted because he respects her shitty father. I don’t think I’m ever going to love this arc but that’s a smart way to mention Papa Rindell: As an icon for other pieces of shit.)

Blum also tells Maia about his hero, Roy Cohn. He goes so far as to say Roy Cohn lives on through him.

I did not know much at all about Roy Cohn, so I can say that this song does a very good job of explaining who he is. It’s also really funny and catchy. I’m on board with these Good Fight shorts. The animation in this one is particularly inspired.

Blum explains lying. I get it. He’s terrifyingly awful. Moving on.

Wait no not moving on, what the fuck is a “wet pussy” going to do for Maia in court?

Now moving on for real: Diane and Kurt arrive at the fundraiser, and Diane baits (though it doesn’t take much effort) the guests into saying offensive shit, which she records.

Kurt tells her delete the recording, and she doesn’t fight over it too much. She deletes it. (I wonder if she has another copy saved. I don’t think she does, but I won’t be shocked.)

Diane takes out her aggression at aikido again, but when the instructor tells her she’s hitting too hard and begins to talk (for some reason) about a Jewish conspiracy (I thought the cut in the promo was funnier than the cut in the episode), she realizes she needs a new outlet.

Badass!Maia’s theme returns. She’s carried the fentanyl lollipop INTO THE COURTHOUSE and is still toying with the idea of sucking on it. Maia, throw it in the fucking garbage. You owe this man nothing.

Is it really weird that, despite having seen characters in the courthouse elevator numerous times and despite the fact that the view out the window is of other buildings, I’ve somehow always just thought the courtrooms were all on the first floor of the building? This makes no sense, and I don’t think I ever registered that I thought they were all on the first floor, but it caught me off-guard this episode that they were higher up.

Maia taunts Blum about the lollipop and he responds with some sexism and by telling Maia she’s a disappointment to her father. I would hope to disappoint that scumbag. I can’t think of a higher compliment tbh.

Oh, the witness who was in a Bishop case and also played a role in Cary’s case in season 6 is here. Case stuff happens.

Blum asks Maia to act outraged when he signals her to, AND SHE DOES. Maia, you don’t have to listen to him and be complicit in Blum trying to blame MATAN BRODY for this murder.

I think Maia enjoys this little act of rebellion (and the approval of Blum) and oh boy, we’re in for a ride. As I said earlier, entitled white girl decides to act out because it’s just now occurred to her she can be “bad” and she gets a thrill out of it is a plot that makes sense for Maia, but also, it’s kinda insufferable. At least she’s working.

“I want to run divorce law,” Lucca declares. “You’re a fourth year, Lucca,” Adrian counters. There he goes again, belittling female colleagues by saying their name at the end of sentences! Also, how is it possible that Maia’s a third year and Lucca’s a fourth year? Lucca said she was a third year in season 1, episode 2.

Lucca turns her lack of experience into a selling point: she’s eager. Liz approves.

“You just had a baby, Lucca,” Adrian responds. Oh, my God. That sentence. That one. That is everything I’m trying to say about Adrian’s casual sexism. It is not ADRIAN’S business that Lucca just had a baby. And even if he believes she might not actually give her all to the job (which is sexist) he shouldn’t be TELLING her she just had a baby. I’m pretty fucking sure she remembers giving birth and remembers that she has a baby. And he caps off that delightful sentence with Lucca’s name, in that same damn tone he’s always using.

(To be clear I think Adrian having a hint of sexism in him is an interesting-- and intentional-- choice on the part of the writers. I’m just ranting about the attitude, not about the writing.)

Adrian decides they’ll interview Lucca like they interviewed the other candidates, and Lucca agrees.

“Ah, you’re lining up your women’s army,” Adrian says to Liz as soon as Lucca leaves. “No, I just want what’s best for the firm,” Liz retorts. Yeah, it’s a women’s army when Liz hires a woman, but a “smart decision” when Adrian hires a man. OK COOL NO PROBLEMS THERE. “Bullshit,” Adrian says.

Yes, because if Liz disagrees with him on what’s best for the firm and, gasp, thinks alienating female clients and passing over their own talent (because their own talent just had a baby) is not good for the firm, it’s clearly just a GENDER WAR. Can’t be a valid reason for that! Liz just thinks boys have cooties and wants the firm to be GIRLS ONLY because GIRLS RULE AND BOYS DROOL. Yes. That MUST BE IT.

Liz tracks down Lucca after the meeting and gives her more advice. She tells her to bring in some clients to prove her worth to the firm.

Do I think Liz is doing this in part because it’s advantageous to her for Lucca to get the job? Yes. Do I think it’s only advantageous to Liz because Lucca’s great and she truly thinks Lucca’s a good fit for the job? Also yes.

Lucca phones Francesca while simultaneously instructing Marissa to dig up some dirt on her competition. Francesca has a book club full of wealthy women in need of divorces (convenient!) and Lucca’s not above using it. I’m not even sure she’d hesitate for even a second.

Francesca’s totally on board and sets up a “Sip and See” where her book club will come see baby Joseph. It works. Francesca sings to Joseph, “Mom and Dad split and I don’t care!” and lollollol this child is going to have quite the life.

Maia and Blum end up at a hospital to claim illegal drugs (unclear how Maia drives all the way to a place before realizing it’s different from the place she went yesterday. Methinks Maia is more curious about Roland Blum than she’s letting on.). You know, I’m not even tempted to type out all the obnoxious things he does and says? It’s just the ones that pertain to plot I feel the need to type out, because the others are just outlandish stuff for shock value. I am quickly becoming as unfazed by Blum’s bullshit as Alicia was by Sweeney’s creepiness. And I don’t mean that in a “desensitized” way. I just don’t care. I already understand who he is and no naked extras or drugs or provocative statements are going to add anything to my understanding. They are also NOT FUN. I want to make that clear. I am NOT AMUSED. Let’s get on with the point here and spend less time on his antics.

(Wow, I was not this off-put by Roland Blum the first time through the episode, but the third time? I’m already done with his entire arc.)

I used to think “trust, but verify” was a Bree Van de Kamp quote and I’m just now realizing it’s a Reagan quote. Well, that joke went over my head when I was 12.

Why is Maia even wasting her time with this guy? Is she going to check in with anyone at the firm on this?

His “trial strategy” is to repeat what he said about lying. Cool. This was useful.

Diane’s found a new outlet: axe throwing. It does seem like a good way to get out aggression!

Blum exists, case stuff happens, Maia wears a horrible suit.

Tara, who has previously cared a lot about privacy, shows up at RBL to confront Diane. Naomi’s contacted her about the abortion. Diane denies knowing anything (and by denies, I mean she lies to Tara’s face) and subtly suggests it was one of the other many people Tara told. “This is supremely shitty,” Tara says on her way out. Yes, yes it is.

“Do you want the result on that Geoffrey Payton check?” Marissa asks Lucca. No, she just wanted Marissa to have some fun investigating!

Lucca goes into her interview prepared. She’s brought in 3 new cases, compared to Geoffrey’s 6, and hers (unlike his) are more than just divorces. (Again, I don’t see how six divorce cases is that helpful. Are these six men going to get divorced multiple times a year?)

Lucca’s also got some dirt, in case proving her worth wasn’t enough. Payton is a Republican, but he’s also one of the attorneys who prepped Kavanaugh. Lucca’s wise enough to know that’s some sticky content right there. (“Okay, let’s just keep politics out of this, Lucca,” Adrian says and I’m only noting it because, again, TONE.)

Diane picks up a flier for the resistance at the axe bar. Nothing to say about this, but it’s obviously a plot point.

Case stuff happens, there’s a mistrial (unclear if this is a good move that plays out badly on Maia’s part or a stupid one she hadn’t thought through), now we have to deal with this in a future episode too. Did I mention that this is totally disconnected from the rest of the episode? I’d be totally fine if it continues to be disconnected since it’s way easier to block out bad plots that affect nothing than bad plots that get wound into the fabric of the show. This isn’t a bad plot YET but I love everything else going on and I’m SO DONE with this.

(I should not watch Roland Blum plots three times.)

I think I’m even skipping over the bigger character based moments of that plot. They all involve Maia and no matter how many times the writers show me that Maia’s becoming more bold, I am not going to care about Maia unless they give me a reason to care about her. On a show where every other character is so complex and captivating, why should I devote any attention to Maia Rindell?

The Rindell hater is back, showing Maia what he’s lost. “What the fuck do I care?” Maia replies as she puts on her sunglasses. I imagine it can’t be easy dealing with constant harassment and she personally owes this dude nothing, but I’m not about to applaud her for telling someone her parents hurt to fuck off. And those sunglasses are ridiculous.

(It’s not the sunglasses themselves as much as it’s the way she puts them on like they’re magic and she’s the biggest badass in the world. This is like the X rated version of that episode of Lizzie McGuire where Lizzie gets detention and decides she wants to pierce her nose to be like the rebellious girl who bullied her in detention. The biggest difference, other than the profanity, is that Maia is an adult.)

Lucca gets the job! Yay!

Julius lets Geoffrey know he didn’t get it, and either Geoffrey didn’t really care or Julius is more opportunistic than I thought, because he asks if he’s still being considered for a judgeship. Really, Julius?

Diane and Liz go to deliver Lucca the good news. This isn’t Diane’s victory but I can see why she claims it as hers. Lucca’s holding the “if you’re happy and you know it” dog, and she is, indeed, happy. I’m surprised the dog didn’t start singing.

Adrian is waiting in Liz’s office when she returns from the 22nd floor. “So, you won,” Adrian says. “We all won,” Liz replies. “No, I don’t think so. Geoffrey was the smarter choice for the firm. Lucca was the smarter choice for you,” Adrian replies. What does that even mean? What does Liz get out of having Lucca in the position, and why is what Liz wants not “for the firm”? I need Adrian to explain.

“I told Lucca she needed new clients. She got three in one night,” Liz counters. “And the partners didn’t care about that. They cared about the dirt that she dug up on him,” Adrian dismisses Liz. Why can’t it be both? They wouldn’t vote FOR Lucca if they didn’t also think she was competent. From what we’ve seen, divorce law is mainly digging up dirt on others and not being afraid to use it, and that’s exactly what Lucca did (this is Liz’s next point, more or less). If the partners were dismayed about Payton’s connections but didn’t think Lucca was up to it, they’d just… keep looking for candidates.

“Play dirty. Manipulate. Backstab,” Adrian says. He says this like these are new dirty tactics Lucca’s pioneered at the firm, like LUCCA QUINN is going to corrupt the firm. PLEASE. Adrian has done all of these things. As Liz points out, Adrian ENCOURAGES all of these things. And what Lucca did here was mild. She asked for the job? She did a background check and made the facts look good for her? And sure, what she dug up was sensational, but it’s no worse than what they dig up on opponents in court on a weekly basis. That doesn’t make it okay, but I’m not going to draw the line here when this is one of the least dirty/manipulative/backstabby things anyone’s done on the show. (Also who is she even backstabbing?)

“So we answered the question, ‘who are we?’” Adrian replies. “Yep. Welcome to the thunderdome,” Liz says with a smile. So you decided you’re a firm that doesn’t know who you are. Best of luck with that. I’m Team Liz.

Tara’s being harassed by the press and Diane’s only reaction is to say “I’m sorry” to a screen and look at a flier for the resistance.

(Hey, does Diane get a say in who the firm is?)

[kuntrabida]

a post! :0 and a filipina superhero

what’s UP y’all? (like, the 10 of y’all that are here LMAO)

so I haven’t really posted anything on here other than my academic research on fanfiction and parasocial relationships, but uh—in case you ain’t been knew—I write too!! 

and since september/october I’ve sorta been writing this... novel... about... a Filipina superhero/antihero in the NYC area? who has the power to... shapeemotionintotangiblematerial GOD I always feel like an idiot when I explain it to people LMAO

(hence—in case you haven’t caught on—the username “tracethisfeeling”... there’s more where that came from but that’s a WHOLE ‘nother tangent.)

and it sounds real wild, I know. especially on paper... I say “sorta been writing” because I’ve been writing and scrapping and rewriting the FIRST CHAPTER for a whopping 8 months ahhh,,,,,

I have a lot of other chapters and snippets already drafted but that FIRST CHAPTER you guys. It’s been a bitch to write. For some reason that only makes me love it even more.

and this story, y’all. Idk. I’ve spent nearly a year planning everything out and freewriting and developing these characters and plotlines and themes relevant to today’s society in my head and it’s kind of become my baby? My imperfect, stubborn, far-too-complex baby. And I’ve really, really been struggling to make it perfect.

i can’t let this draft live in the vacuum of my own head/Google Drive (let’s be real; they’re basically the same thing) though. the entire point of writing it, besides creating a personal and creative outlet, was to shine a spotlight on our society in a bit of an unconventional way, with unconventional heroes making unconventional (we’ll make that the euphemism for “morally dubious” here) decisions. Another really important thing I went for was REPRESENTATION. 

yeah, this is kinda selfish; I just wanted to see a Filipina superhero. Not only that, but teams of crime-fighters and characters that are as diverse as my real-life group of friends. As much as I adore the current body of super-media at our disposal (Endgame really ripped my heart out this year LOL), I think we’ve all seen enough of white guys in Spandex. For now. 

point is, it’d be really nice if we could see ourselves. Which is why I feel like I can’t just keep this to myself.

so i’m posting this here. i’ve always intended to publish this story online somewhere (maybe even self publish in the future, but hey, i’m getting ahead of myself), especially since i’ve started reading fanfiction more regularly (thanks, research; and damn, y’all are TA.LEN.TED. and mad inspiring) and while I know Wattpad is a resource I might utilize concurrently, I guess I just feel most at home on Tumblr.

the first chapter still isn’t done, but it WILL BE. soon. like, seriously, i’m putting this here so you can hold me to my word: i WILL have the first chapter up sometime this weekend. i’ve been sitting on it for far too long; at this point, nothing’s ever gonna be perfect, and i may as well just full fucking send. i’m hoping i can get some feedback as well because honestly, i need it. 

in the meantime, i’ll post a snippet of the one portion from the FIRST CHAPTER™️ that i DO deem acceptable below, just to tease at what’s to come. 

tbh i’m a lil nervous LMAO bc my writing is so far from crystal clear and concise (don’t you ever wish someone else—someone FAR MORE intelligent and articulate than you—had the same world hatch inside their head so they could EXPLAIN it and EXECUTE that vision in the most effective way? idk.) but these past eight months have taught me so much about myself and my writing and even though it’s confusing at times, i hope you can read it. 

so, here’s a sneak peek at Manifest. It’s mad whack. It’s a time. I’m still figuring it out. But it’s ALSO about damn time we gave a Filipina American some superhero clout, ya know? 

here it is, in all it’s rambly glory:

<<<<The doctors call it synesthesia. 

Theoretically, that’s what puts the pink in the lust emanating from the doorway, brings the soft velvet feel of it to the palms of Analyn’s hands; and with everyone outside radiating varied shades of desire—either that or the yellow in ecstasy, the black in pissed, the blue in heartbreak—simply standing in the hall became too much for her senses to handle. 

Ordinarily, Analyn would know how to shut out the too much with the bathroom door and her own static—but there’s never been this much of too much. 

There’s a reason she’s never been to one of Blaire Killian’s parties.   

She’s not even sure how she ended up here in the first place. About a hundred other nights preceding this one had started similarly enough: with Diane bursting into Analyn’s room, some pre-selected outfit in hand, begging her to ride up to the penthouse at 432. All those nights had been cut short by a definitive No. 

Tonight, though—tonight was different. Next thing Analyn knew, she was asking her parents for twenty dollars and a curfew extension. 

“Bahala ka,” her mother had replied. A Filipino phrase. It’s up to you. 

It always has been. 

So she and Diane had left her apartment, off to Prince Street platform for the N train out of Soho. 

And judging by the way she’s fading in and out of consciousness against Killian’s absurdly gorgeous bathroom sink, that might’ve been the worst fucking decision Analyn’s ever made.>>>>

I’m super (perhaps way too) excited to share this with y’all, if ya couldn’t tell. And tonight, I decided I’d just post this; hopefully, it’ll give me some incentive to actually FOLLOW THROUGH with the current draft of this FIRST. CHAPTER.

I’ll see y’all back here soon.

—all the love, 

c.a.l.

(get hyped <3)

(P.S. oh my god I should mention that the four main personalities in this wee thing are based on the four types of researchers. i’m really never going to escape it, am i?)

[calliecat93]

RvB17 Episode 1 Review: A Sitch in Time

Anyone else getting Kim Possible flashbacks from that title? Just me? Meh, that’s expected. Anyways! Intro!

Red vs Blue Season 17... holy Hell, Season 17. How many shows make it this far guys? Not many. Even though I've only been watching for two years now, seeing how far the show has come... it's crazy. Yet it's been such a fun ride and I am not ready for it to end anytime soon. So, after a long wait and one Hell of a cliffhanger to end S16 on, we are finally here my friends. S16 had... many reactions. But I can safely say that I loved every single moment of it. Yes even Gus as a cyclops, I loved it (eventually). So with that, and a change in staff structure with Jason Weight writing solo and Josh Ornelas and Austin Clark directing, can S17 hit the mark for fans? Well, after eight months of waiting, it's time to find out.

Overview

So to briefly recap, all of time has been broken and our boys have been sent back to the beginning of the series. Which is where we begin as we cut to what would be Season 1 Episode 3 when Donut first arrived at the canyon, only they are now using Halo 1 (I assume the PC version) instead of Halo 2 Anniversary. We start going through the beats of the episode with Grif and Simmons pointing out Donut's Red Armor... but Grif stops due to the deja vu hitting him again, and same with Simmons. The Blues are not much better, with Tucker confused at how “Church” knows Caboose's name when Caboose never said it. “Church” walks off... revealing the truth: it is Genkins possessing Church.

Genkins arrives at Chrovos' domain, where he finds the gears broken, Donut knocked out, and both the Time Gun and The Hammer discarded. Genkins promptly tosses away The Hammer before facing Chrovos, who is in a Monitor body as the Cosmic Powers are. So... Chrovos is an AI then? So due to complications (aka Donut), the plan did not quite go as intended. So Chrovos is having Genkins go through time to fix that problem. The problem? We'll go into it soon enough. For now, Genkins points out how it's hard to make out Chrovos' actions when they’re an orb and after going through a few changes, they settle on a female body that looks similar to Kalirama's model, but all black. They are also now voiced by Lee Eddy, who previously played 479er and is the voice of Gwen in Camp Camp. Nice.

Donut wakes up, with Genkins promptly shooting at him. Since the firewall is still up, Donut isn't harmed but Genkins wanted to vent. He proceeds to compliment Donut on fulfilling his role, even calling him a fellow relative, before leaving through a portal to continue with his shenanigans. It is at this point that Donut sees that Chrovos is freed, and they make it clear that Donut will pay for his actions by his friends suffering. Donut points out that there's no reason as they are now free... but when he steps forward, a barrier comes over the Time God. As it turns out, while Donut couldn't fully prevent Chrovos form escaping, he DID still manage to increase the prison enough to keep them contained. That's our boy!

Unfortunately, Chrovos's new plan is already in motion. Along the barrier is a large crack. Donut finds out that the guys saved Wash, but due to it they caused the paradox and now time is cracking apart. Which if you recall, paradoxes are exactly what Chrovos needs to break the prison fully. You see, the Reds and Blues history together was the back-swing to The Hammer's blow, and is now in a type of buffer period where new timelines are being formed, paradoxes following. This is why they have Genkins going through time, to create the paradoxes as he promptly does by stopping Sheila in Season 1 without Church getting killed. Genkins can also possess any type of AI figure in these timelines, hence why he is able to pose as Church.

Already cracks are forming along the singularity that represents the solid timeline. One has Tucker step up as a leader much earlier, only to die as a result. Another has Caboose on Red Team. More cracks are forming, and soon enough will form to break Chrovos free. So why are they telling Donut all of this? Because they know that he'll try to stop it and even encourages him to do so. He can possess his own incarnations in these timelines, but by doing so and by trying to bring his friends to their senses, he'll cause even more paradoxes and therefore make the job all the easier. Even after hearing this, Donut refuses to let the Time God screw with his friends like this. He goes into the portal, Chrovos wishing him luck, and our intro credits play with Donut being flung through time.

My friends, Red vs Blue: Singularity has begun.

Review

Hmm... there's a word that I want to use to describe my feelings. I apologize as it is a short word, but one that properly conveys my current emotional state. So... here it goes:

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS! I LOVED IT! I LOVED IT SO MUCH!

Okay, okay. So honestly there's not too much to digest. Which is honestly fine. This is the first episode and after last year, they really need to explain things so that we would know what we're in for. It's an exposition episode, but a good one. The episode wastes no time at all. We see the guys current situation, find out what happened at the end of S16, establish what the focus of the season will be, and get the ball rolling at the end. It goes from one beat to the next, but without feeling rushed or boring. It was all very welcome information and had the weight of S16's finale to help carry it. We were already invested, so no need to hold back.

This also gives what's probably our first solid viewing of Chrovos. And let me say... I love them. I mean I hate them, as well as Genkins, for reasons but you can TELL that they are relishing their roles. Chrovos comes across as a serious, but quirky individual. Impatient, but also calm and very much in control. They have the intimidating present, but like with the Cosmic Powers they have these comedic traits that make them more entertaining and fun to watch. Same with Genkins, who continues to be a delight. I may hate the bastard for 'killing Huggins' (STILL IN DENIAL) but man he is just SO MUCH FN. His line about Tucker's heterosexuality was by far the best line in the episode. Nd the fact that he can possess any AI figures in the past, like Church? Yeah... that is both genius and terrifying. Helps that Ricco Fajardo and Lee Eddy are clearly having so much fun in these roles XD

So... timelines... holy Hell. I think we all kind of expected alternate timelines, but IDT that ANY of us predicted this. The Reds and Blues are reliving their past as Genkins changes thing up from the main timeline, or the Singularity as it were. Which leaves us with a buffer period as the chain of paradoxes keeps shattering the already weakened timeline. And all of it makes sense. The Reds and Blues history was used as the backswing and they were the ones who caused the paradox so it makes sense that this would be used to further shatter the prison. It explains why we got the paradox explanation last season as now all of the scenarios (Closed Loop, Multiverse, Stable Timeline) are all in effect. Since Donut was in Chrovos' domain, he wasn't affected and is the only one who has a chance in fixing all of this. It all lines up and promises us a lot of insanity, hilarity, and pain.

Speaking of Donut... oh Lord Donut. This is very much going to be his season. He was so great in this episode too. He's still a dimwit, but he's still fun and understands that shit is going down. It's really nice to see him get frustrated about time travel cause honestly? It DOES suck. But yeah he talks back against Chrovos, is still funny and gullible, and he is more than ready to do whatever he can to save his friends. Yeah, he understands the consequences, but screw it. He cares about his friends and he isn't going to let Chrovos get away with making them suffer to get free. He doesn't hesitate at all when Chrovos brings the option of going through the portal up. Is he going to succeed? Well... he's not going to have an easy time going about it, that's for sure. He's probably gonna go through a LOT of Hell. But hey, I'm rooting for him! Two years ago, when I first got into RvB, I would have NEVER said that I am all for Protagonist Donut. But damn it all, I AM ALL FOR IT!!! Also, Dan Godwin (who absolutely killed it in this episode) got top billing. Bless.

The direction of this episode was really well done. The effects are all super good. I mean just watch the credits sequence. The bluish-red mist, the character's appearing when their VA's name appears, Donut bein sent through the portal, it all looks amazing. The machinima was also really good and honestly, using the old Halo's is a MUCH better option than using Halo 2 Anniversary. It connects us more to those events since we recognize the settings and models much better in the past engines. Might also explain why we're only getting 12 episodes because going back and forth between engines had to have been pure murder on the machinimators. The camera work was also excellent, like Donut's first-person perspective when he wakes up. No real animation outside the credits, but honestly the effects were more than enough to keep things interesting. Very solid job by the RvB team.

Alright, we have our beginning... so what's gonna happen now? Honestly, it's hard to tell. We're probably going to spend the first half going through some notable RvB moments, exploring the new timelines, and Donut hopefully managing to get a few of the guys back to their senses. Honestly? There are a LOT of possibilities for how this season can go down. Moments to revisit, old characters to see again, SO MANY POSSIBILITIES. IDK where Jason is going to lead us, but I can safely say that I'm invested.

Final Thoughts

This was a solid start to the season! It wastes no time in getting us into the swing of things but still takes time to inform us of all we need to know and let the characters be characters. As I said, I already love Chrovos far more than I did last season. It perfectly sets up our main plot, and all that's left to do now is see where it leads us. 11 episodes to go people. Let's make them count.

[saidbyes-blog]

( FRIEND OF GRANT'S ) ebony harrison ( 24 / she/they ): demigirl & friends who seemingly clicked despite emotional distance, and acquaintance of mallory's. ( nina nesbitt ) ( PACE / 20+ / SHE/HER )

hello ! so, i’m typing this up straight after acceptance ( lmao, talk about eager ) so hopefully anything i inevitably forget, i can add between now and when this’ll actually be posted, so you actually have some decent info to work with ! but i’m pace ( which is obviously an alias but,,,, pls just call me pace ! ) and my pronouns are she/her ! and moving on to the one you actually wanna know about... 

—– ❀ okay, so !! as you can see above, ebony is a friend of grant’s ! on the surface, they seem to just ‘get’ eachother, but of course ebony is completely oblivious to who he really is and what he’s capable of. however, because ebony isn’t the most open and uhh,,, Not-Closed-Off as people, it kind of works ? in a,,,, neither of them ask too many questions kind of way ? it’s mutual, y’know ?she kind of sees him as a guy who’s Not Like The Other Guys ( while lowkey a voice in the back of her head is like ALL GUYS ARE LIKE THE OTHER GUYS ) and they just seem to Understand eachother. but ebony can be a sceptical little fuck, and she’s generally just Wary in general sometimes, but she also wants to believe that some people are good and their intentions are as they seem and it’s Pure. even if she EVER got creepy vibes from grant, she’d either be like CREEP EVIL NASTY BYE SEE YA or convince herself she’s making it up because of relationships with people in the past. but ofc, the worst part is that he’s never given her any reason to think grant is anything but just a nice, charming guy who’s maybe a little pretentious and quiet but that’s basically the worst thing about him, and if it were to happen now, she’s in too deep for it to be a red flag. yoikes. but we all know that to everyone else he just looks like a,,, Nice Guy. either way, he’s a friend, and their lack of actually being as close as they may seem isn’t that weird for her ( which i shall explain in a different bullet point bc this is long ! )

—– ❀ she isn’t a complete plum, and won’t turn a blind eye forever, but in the recent months/so far, she’s come to grant’s defence, thinking that anybody who’s pointed the finger at him is a) unoriginal and b) has clearly never met him. she thinks it’s cruel and unnecessary. like, her pov is that he lost his girlfriend, who told the story of what happened/was going to happen to her, and it’s as simple as that, in a ‘why would mallory write about that otherwise’ kind of way. she’s applying logic to it and i’m like oh,,, honey,,, you sweet summer child,,, plus, grant’s manipulative ass is looking all kinds of charming and innocent and whatever. HOWEVER, things slowly unfolding and eventually ebony beginning to question things ! yes pls ! internal conflict !

—– ❀ however, ebony also briefly vaguely knew mallory ! she attended a few of her yoga classes ages ago, and it’s a complete coincidence that ebony knew the both of them. if/when grant ever mentioned mallory to ebony, the name wouldn’t have clicked, and since she never met her outside of the classes, it took her a while to click why mallory looked so familiar when everything blew up after her death. it kind of weirds her out that someone she knew was murdered, and that it never clicked that Grant’s Girlfriend was the one who taught those yoga classes, but it’s just a complete coincidence ! 

—– ❀ TW FOR ABUSE MENTION: ebony hasn’t read the book, and doesn’t plan on it. she might one day if she’s feeling impulsive and self destructive, but because of the subject matter, she’s avoiding it. it had nothing to do with being grant’s friend ( even though most people would probably question if it’s the Moral and Ethical thing to do, that doesn’t even cross her mind -- she’s not the most moral of people tbh ) and has more to do with the fact that she’s been in an abusive relationship in the past, herself, and she’s just like............nope. ( / end of tw ! )

—– ❀ she didn’t grow up in new york, and has only called it home for for a few years. but she also travels a lot, and is very flaky, and can disappear for periods of time just to show up announced a few weeks later. it’s not weird for her to drop off the grid for a bit ( sounds safe, ebs ) and it’s not weird for her to ditch social circles and local hangouts in general and just ghost, and she’s also lived in several different states across the country. she cannot commit to anything ever, including places. it’s actually odd that she’s been in new york for so long, but she loves the energy and the spirit of the city. and it’s massive so if she tires of a certain spot, she can drift elsewhere ! plus.........plot convenience. 

—– ❀ sometimes she might feel a little out of place tbh ! she’s not an academic and she definitely didn’t come from money, and doesn’t have an abundance of it now, either. she’s a bartender, as that’s always her job when i play her lmao, but i might give her another too but i’m still flipping back and forth so..... tbd !

—– ❀ TW FOR DEATH: a bit of background: she was born in california to amelia robinson & david harrison, a young couple who hadn’t been together all that long when they found out they were expecting, but were madly in love nonetheless. david was completely devoted to his daughter, but he sadly died when she was seven. after his death, some hard truths to swallow came out about him, and her already distraught mother was even more heartbroken. life was pretty rough after his death and her mother couldn’t really cope anymore and became someone that ebs ended up not really recognising, and she became kind of cruel. she’s since forgiven her mother for who she became and therefore how she then treated her daughter, but they’re not close. ebony left cali for a few years after turning seventeen, and when she returned at twenty, she found her father’s broken watch, which she sometimes still wears now. it looks out of place on her thin wrist, especially since the damn thing doesn’t work, but she likes it nonetheless and refuses to get it fixed. in ways like that, she can be,,, a little pretentious ( again, why her friendship with grant works ) and while we’re on the subject of that..... ( / tw ends ! )

—– ❀ her personality is a little messy. she can be very........difficult ? especially as a friend ? though she’s kind-hearted and forgiving and can be very gentle, she’s also temperamental and vague and selfish. she doesn’t mean to be selfish, but she just is. it’s,,, probably infuriating to some people ? as well as the fact that she’s very easily misunderstood due to being hard to understand. yet she also doesn’t like people making the effort to try and understand. yet also wants someone in her life who does understand her. like.........she wants something, but won’t let anybody make the steps to get the thing she wants ? like.............jfc, ebs. she also cannot deal with anything, and it’s not uncommon for somebody to think that everything is going fine and they’re getting on with her great, but then shit hits the fan and the real things happen and she’s like !!! bye !!! so, again, she’s a bit of a flight risk right now. bc like...... well, a murder’s a pretty big thing, my dudes. but also, in her mind, one of her friends is going through some Big Stuff what with his girlfriend being “murdered by her ex” so although most people would be like “gosh golly i should be there for him” there’s a part of ebony that’s like “cannot............deal...............want.......................to yeet.........” but because it’s his Trauma to deal with, it’s easier for her to stay. for example, if something happened between herself and grant that was mutual ( no matter what it was ) that caused angst, that’d be more of a reason for her to Yeet because it directly effects her ? if that at all makes sense ?

—– ❀ quick thing about gender and pronouns !! gender is messy and complicated ( to her ) and she accepted that long ago, but she identifies as a demigirl. her pronouns are she/her, HOWEVER she really appreciates when people use they/them when she hasn’t explicitly stated her pronouns to somebody. she just ,,, thinks it’s the respectful thing to do, but it also makes her feel Valid. she mostly identifies with the gender she was assigned at birth, and tends to present very femininely, but that doesn’t make her any less nb, y’know ? and she doesn’t like people,,, forgetting that she’s Not A Woman ? a lot of the time she’s worried people won’t see her as being nb and even her nb friends she’s sometimes convinced will just forget she’s Not A Woman ?? however, she’s okay with sometimes being referred to as a girl, but always on her own terms. like.......her mobile header literally says ‘sad girls club’ but like..... on her own terms, y’know ? so tldr: if we could pls refrain from referring to her as like ‘the woman’ or ‘the girl’ in threads, that’d be greatly appreciated !

—– ❀ some extras if you want to see/read more about the goblin: stats, playlist, pinterest, aesthetic, old drabbles*, old about/drabble. she doesn’t have a full bio, as the last one i wrote ended up being over 7k words and honestly.........who has the time

* if you click this one, please be aware that trigger warnings apply for abuse, as well as vague/tiny mentions of pregnancy.

extra connections !!! if u want !!!! idk !!!

—– ❀ friends from out of town ! if anybody is from anywhere else in the u.s outside of ny, or they spent a lot of time somewhere else, they totally could’ve known eachother a few years ago. bc ebony has lived in several different places, i can probably wiggle things around and make it work no matter what state they’ve lived in !

—– ❀ friends ! as you might’ve gathered from the rest of the intro, ebony can be a little Difficult, but she’s still kind at heart, and can be soft, and thoughtful ! so, friends that have no problem with her, friends who call her out on her bullshit, friends who she’s ditched in the past, friends she parties with, friends who have tried to Fix her, friends she trusts more than most, etc etc ! as the great sutton foster once said, anything goes !

—– ❀ fwb/hook-ups/flings/exes ! whether they’re things of the past or kind of ongoing, it’s pretty open ! ebony likes people of any and all genders, and ( not dissimilar to mallory, actually ! ) has no problems spreading her love around. which is basically the beating-around-the-bush way of saying she has a lot of sex with a lot of people, and i support her ( ... eh, when it’s healthy ) but one night stands, friends that have no problem keeping things causal, people she dated for a while, something that started casual but Feelings happened and it’s messy, all kinds of stuff is good to go !

—– ❀ people who were also in the yoga classes mallory taught at the time ! it would’ve been a while ago but if the Yoga Peoples would’ve been there back in the day too then perfect !

—– ❀ grant’s other friends ! people who met through grant ! we all have that friend we met through a mutual murderer, right ? or someone who eb met through grant and they can’t fucking stand eachother ? someone she met through grant but then shagged and now it’s awkward ? people who were actually friends with eachother first and one of them introduced grant to the other ? people who she only met at mallory’s funeral bc they were both there to support their murderous pal ? having the two of ‘em meet unrelated and then find out casually like oh shit u know my good bitch grant ? wild ! all kinds of shit !

—– ❀ roommates ! what are the realistic chances of a group of roomies all knowing either the gal who got murdered or her boyfriend ? slim as fuck but plot convenience !! maybe two or three roomies ? ny’s expensive and ebony isn’t a rich gal !

—– ❀ tbh though i also really love just.......... throwing the characters into a situation and seeing how things go, and having people meet for the first time and stuff, but i also love pre-plotted and intenser stuff, and messy/complicated plots work really well with eb ! i love all kinds of things, i’m down for w/e. while we’re on connections though, i tend to suck with plotting and i’m sometimes a little slow with ims, but i just want to make that Known so it’s not taken personally or anybody thinks i’m not interested anymore or anything ! i’m definitely replying, i promise !

okay so if you read all of this, you’re a saint and greatly appreciated ! apologies for the rambling ! feel free to drop by if you’d like to plot or anything like that ! ps. pls enjoy the fact that i scheduled this while watching the ted bundy thing on netflix, bc it tickled me. bit too fitting huh lads.