#hopefully theres no issues posting today

[daily-crabbys]

Today's crab is: dramatic pose

[justyn1]

The Spycrab. Why does it exist?

What is a Spycrab?

A Spycrab is an iconic animation bug for the Spy from Team Fortress 2. This bug was introduced since the game’s launch in 2007 and still exists today!

This post will cover on what causes this bug happen, how to fix it, and why it SHOULDN’T be fixed.

Debugging the Spycrab

First we need to know how do you become a Spycrab in TF2. To become a Spycrab the player have to pull out the disguise kit, crouch, look up, then start moving in any direction.

This give us a clue on what’s going on. The issue is related to looking around while crouching with the Spy’s disguise kit. We can take a look at how Valve setup the Spy’s animations since they provided the model sources in the Source SDK. Let’s take a look at spy_movement.qci since that’s where they handle all of the animations related to moving around. From this point I will refer the disguise kit as PDA since that’s what it called in the sources. Looking at the entry for Crouch_PDA and Crouch_Walk_PDA everything seems to be written correctly. Theres nothing wrong with the code itself

Line 15: $sequence Crouch_PDA PDA_crouch_idle loop alignto a_reference addlayer PDA_aimmatrix_crouch_idle activity ACT_MP_CROUCH_PDA 1

Line 424: $MPCrouchWalkWithWeapon Crouch_Walk_PDA 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 PDA_crouch_walkN PDA_crouch_walkCenter PDA_aimmatrix_crouch_idle ACT_MP_CROUCHWALK_PDA $infoNode$  

This means that the issue is coming from one of the animations itself. Lets load up the PDA crouch animations in SFM and compare with the normal stand up animations.

Everything looks fine however there’s something odd with the pda_aimmatrix_crouch_idle animation. It’s in a different pose entirely! To summarize what a aim matrix do, the animator put the character in various poses mimicking that the character is looking around. The game will take those poses and blend between them depending on what direction the player is looking. Generally you don’t want to stray way from the idle pose too much since it can cause potential problems when blending between various poses at once.

With closer inspection, it seems the pda_aimmatrix_crouch_idle animation is actually an early version of the spy’s knife aim matrix animation. Here’s both aim matrices side by side.

The Fix

Now knowing that the bug is created by accidentally exporting another aim matrix animation for the wrong weapon. The fix is actually very simple! Without touching the animation files itself. We can go into the spy_movement.qci and replace any mention of pda_aimmatrix_crouch_idle with pda_aimmatrix_idle and that’s it! Compiling spy_animations.qc and loading up TF2 we will see the Spycrab no longer works.

But should this bug really be fixed?

This is the part where I tell you that the Spycrab bug should never be fixed in TF2. Even though this bug was stemmed from a mistake and it’s pretty simple to fix. This bug should never be fixed purely because it’s very important for the game’s history and community. After this bug was discovered and popularized back in 2008. It spawns plenty of memes within the community and in-game references from community cosmetics and unusuals, an official rare taunt for the disguise kit, warpaints, and a poster from the map Carnival of Carnage a Halloween reskin of Doomsday.

Hopefully this post provide some interesting insight on how this iconic bug was created and the process of debugging animations in Source Engine!

[keepthisholykiss]

i guess this is a pinned post (until i unpin it someday)

lots of people are making the move to tumblr yet again which means i have been getting a lot of new followers and feel the need to make a pinned post given trends that i do notice in my new followers. if you are following me for the first time and reading this i humbly ask that you read further before following. this goes triple for anyone that found me through takarazuka. idc about DNI rules usually but this keeps happening at a rate that has almost made me delete my account before so!

some things to know about me before following:

i am trans in a t4t lesbian marriage and we’re both varying levels of asexual and agender/no gender/genderfuck so if any of that bothers you then please DNI!

i am both physically and mentally disabled and i will let you know about it, your opinion on that matter does not concern me

i often forget to tag reblogs so if there is a specific tag you want me to include please let me know and i will make sure i start tagging that item

i work in and produce research for academia, an institution built on systems and morals i do not hold and do not support. my research is always as accessible, queer friendly, and free as it can be. if you have opinions on my research leave me alone idc 

i do not participate in fandom. i worked in community management for a variety of brands and media types for years and frankly fandom exhausts me. i will interact with your blorbo post and think its fun but i will not join your discord or fic exchange which brings me to my most important or relevant point:

if you are coming from any takarazuka post i have made (or that my wife has made? idk) please consider if you actually want to interact with this blog. i made a previous post shortly after leaving that fandom aka the only fandom i ever have joined. in that post i said some things in a much harsher way than i probably should have or would have today but i listed my many issues with that media and the people who bullied myself, my spouse, and our friends. there are some amazing people who i know and still care very much about in that fandom but if you are new to it or just forgot i existed please know i will never post a takarazuka post again. i know my blog still gets recommended alongside tkz blogs (including those who actively wish me physical harm :D) and yet i cannot change the algorithms of tumblr. so please consider that when you follow me or send me anon hate.

hopefully this is the last time i ever have to post something like this but theres been an uptick in both terf and tkz interactions on this blog so!

[smileymoth]

Rambling

danny and the horrible very bad awful and terrible 20s continues . I swear to god like this is just an overall observation but it just gets worse and im like okayyyy i know i havent hit the rock bottom just yet but if i do i feel like it could somehow get even worse then. Ive been having mini meltdowns like every week where i feel like my brain is exploding from overstimulation and lack of control. I feel like i just start fucking tweaking at random times like dawwgv youre coming off as neurotic can you stop . I think abt that 1 tumblr post a lot lately that like explains how sometimes people just fucking go insane bc of a series of random unfortunate events and i feel like im close to that atm . Hopefully i can calm down this month bc i dont have that many obligations like id love to AT LEAST get a bit of joy back from being alive . Im going thru like everything 14 year olds usually go thru but like im an adult now i cant partake in these behaviours or thoughts bc like dawg youre 22 get a grippp. Like the issues i have are such teenager issues i feel like. I had a thought today tjat ws like. If you can get thru college you can kill yourself and im like woag mama calm down nobody is killing themselves alright but its likeeee how can i cope w being alive when theres like NO joy in it whatsoever its just pain after pain after pain after pain like theres no joy in anything bc every bit of joy is overtaken by sth horrible happening again wether w yourself or in the world . And i jusy cant like grip why im even alive like i have no purpose on god and im not good at marketing so i probs cant makr it even as an artist even if its the only thing im like semi okay at. Can i just like make money off my depression or sth id be fucking great at that job let me tell you that . Fuuuck i need to open those commissions 💸 reallyyyy bad i want money . Im also real scared abt last year bc like i cant fucking do anything and i suck at everything too like how am i meant to graduate . All i do all day is think abt how bad i want to kill myself and how to eat as little as possible and then i still fail bc im pathetic . Life is fucking great and my brain is probably rapidly deteriorating bc of depression and stress . Like im supposed to be doing things with my life already im old enough for it but nope. All im good for is hurting myself and i cant even do that properly

[artxyra]

post hawkmoth gabriel is outed as hawkmoth and no one except mari knows adrien is chat mari gows to batboys and one day adrien comes to visit her and the batboys think that adrien is here to get revenge on mari but imagine their shock when mari squeals and jumps into his arms and hugs him like theres no tomorrow (this isnt my idea but i wanted to see your take on it)

Note: So lack of motivation is a bitch and I’m surprised that writing and rewriting this fic worked. Hopefully, this stands up to your expectations.  

“Breaking news, Adrien Agreste, the former head model of Gabriel Agreste Fashion, was seen walking down the streets of Gotham, New Jersey late last night. Tune in later for more Gotham gossip…” The volume slowly becomes muted leaving the person holding the remote sitting in silence.

Soon a series of noises, such as items hitting the floor, a body struggling to move fills the room ambiance sound. It wasn’t long before a phone’s ring tone goes off. More rustling is heard. The music stops, then there was a pause.

“Yeah, I just watched the news. So, what’s the plan. I already have Barb on speed dial.” A male’s voice states into the phone. This is Richard “Dick” Grayson on the four-way call with his brothers.

“Demon Spawn’s in charge of keeping, Pixie, busy. She cannot know that he’s in town.” Jason states before hearing his younger brother tsking at such an easy request. Of course, he could keep his fiancée busy in the meantime.

“Of course, I can keep my beloved busy, you imbeciles.” Damian scoffs at his brothers. In fact, his beloved was most likely in her studio right now working on a commission.

“Good, good, keep her away from any source of news. We all know how Gotham Gossip works. The rest of you meet me at WE and we’ll figure out a way to get Agreste out of here.” Tim explains to which everyone mumbles their agreements and slowly hang up on one another.

“What was all that about?” Kori asks coming out of the bedroom, rubbing her eyes.

“Oh, you know, the same old same old.” Dick smiles at his wife who raises an eyebrow but shrugs instead and goes into the kitchen.

“Ready for some more gossip Gotham! Former son of the Parisian terrorist was found shopping at Coccinelle de Pixie storefront that was recently vandalized not long after with the words ‘Traitor’ spread painted in black across the window…”

Timothy Drake sat in his executive chair nursing a new cup of steaming coffee. Gotham’s Gossip playing on a radio that he soon turned off and shakes his head. All the more evidence to place Adrien Agreste behind bars just like Paris did his father. For years, everyone thought Adrien was in cahoots with his father in terrorizing Paris, Adrien made no statement and he stayed away from the media.

“Mr. Drake, your brothers are here.” His assistant announces through the coms. Tim quickly replies knowing that his brothers are seconds away from breaking down his office doors.

“You heard the latest gossip?” Jason practically demands. Tim could feel the anger rolling off his predecessors. “Of course, you did, you wouldn’t be listening if you hadn’t. I swear if Gordon doesn’t find the culprit, I will.” Jason slams his fist against the wooden desk, to which Tim simply takes a sip of his coffee and stare directly at his brothers.

Tim would never say it aloud, but he was surprised to see Damian especially after he was given the job of keeping the person that claim as their sister busy for the evening.

“I don’t care what methods you use Todd, as long as the person—” Cough, Agreste, cough, “is behind bars and locked up with the worst of the worst.” Damian gave his brother the answer he needs.

“Back to the issue at hand.” Tim sets his cup down. “Babs sent me Agreste’s itinerary from his hotel location to any phone history. So far, we have gathered he is in contact with someone under the name Buginette, unfortunately, that number is tied to a burner. They are making plans that seem on the verge of making Bean suffer.”

“Great, we have our main suspect and we can’t even call his accomplice,” Jason growls, he hates feeling helpless but that only has so much time before Adrien could make his attempt.

“I wouldn’t say that; Dick you’ll be tailing Agreste, from his GPS location, he should be passing by WE any minute now. Use this and the GG, as we all know she’s in for the latest scoop.” Tim hands Dick a device with a beeping red dot moving. Dick examines the devices before placing them in his pockets.

“We have until eight o’clock tonight to detain him. This Buginette and he plans on meeting at an unknown location. We will intercept them either both or right on.” Tim then takes another sip giving his siblings time to process any information that he just gave.

“Just in, GCPD found a bunch of dead ladybugs in front of the Chordate Hotel, the hotel that Adrien Agreste is rumored to be staying at. Is this retribution to the future Mrs. Wayne as we all know how much she loves ladybugs…?” The broadcaster’s voice carries over the car’s radio.

Damian Wayne could help but tighten his hands around the steering wheel. Someone was after this fiancée and he felt helpless about it. Marinette doesn’t deserve any of this. She has too much to worry about with the wedding and her growing fashion empire.

He pulls up in front of their shared apartment and immediate parks into his parking space.

“Angel, I’m home.” He calls out tossing his keys into the decorative bowl that on the end table next to the front door.

“In the back room.” A female’s voice calls back. Damian smiles practically visualizing the smile on his fiancée’s face.

Walking past a series of boxes, Damian makes it to the back room. Marinette is kneeling next to a mannequin, hand sowing the lace fabric into place. Damian couldn’t help but watch her work in awe. They have known each other for years and even today her working still amazes him.

“Are we still going over to Bruce’s tonight?” Marinette asks looking up briefly to acknowledge her fiancé and give him a smile. Damian was quick to answer her with a yes to which she nods and turns her attention back to the gown. “I should be done in an hour. I also have a couple of stops to make before we head over. Or do you wanna carpool with your brothers while I drive?”

Ding, ding. Damian knows that the messages coming through are from his brothers. “I’ll be fine; getting a ride with Grayson.” He answers before grabbing his phone and unlocking it to view the messages.

“Dami…Dami…” Damian turns away from his phone to stare into the blue eyes of his fiancée. “I thought I lost you there for a minute; you didn’t respond when I had asked whether you’re going out tonight for patrol?”

“Tt, I am going on patrol with the others tonight. Doing a run before and after dinner.” He answers hoping that she doesn’t question it. Marinette narrows her eyes before shrugging and continuing with her sowing.

Quickly getting changes, it wasn’t long before Damian receives a message from Dick stating that he’s out in front. Damian gives Marinette a goodbye kiss and exits out of the apartment.

“Wha’sup Gotham. Tonight’s segment is saucy. With Adrien Agreste out in the public, the batbros are out and about. I swear I just some red outside the studio window. Now onto the sauce—”

“Are you seriously listening to the crap with the mask on?” Robin questions Red Robin, who waves his in his defense. “Should the target get here by now?” He looks over the building to view the streets.

Behind the two vigilantes, Nightwing and Red Hood appear on the rooftop.

“Agreste should be arriving in five according to his GPS location.” Nightwing states and a ringing sound goes through their coms.

“Nightwing is right. Though is it for certain that Mr. Agreste is the person behind the attacks against Miss Marinette?” Agent A’s voice rings through the coms. The four brothers look to one another all being on the same wavelength. They all think that Adrien Agreste is behind the attacks. There was no other reason to explain it. He arrives in Gotham and then there are attacks against Mari through her storefront and favorite animal/insect.

“We’re sure, Agent A,” Tim responds as the device on this wrist beeps. At the same time, a rental car pulls up across the building and parks. Adrien Agreste gets out of the car and straightens out his collar.

“Target is in place. All we’re missing is this Buginette person and we’ll move in.” Red Hood pulls out an AK-47 and position it to lock on Adrien. He wasn’t going to kill the blonde male, maybe just skim a little off the top or scare him shitless.

Down below, Adrien pulls out his phone and calls someone. Immediate the batbros knew that he is talking to this Buginette person, it’s not because Red Robin has the recording playing as well.

About five minutes later, a familiar dark car pulls up. Robin looks at the car in suspicion. This car was the same model that he has and shares with Marinette from time to time. From the corner of his eye, he could see Red Hood etching his finger closer to the trigger.

Adrien runs over to the car shouting “Buginette” happily to the person inside.

The car door opens and immediately they hear a gunshot. The door closes and Adrien jumps back. Red Hood side-eyes his brothers as Robin silently hopes that he is wrong for once.

This “Buginette” person finally gets out of the car to reveal a Marinette Dupain-Cheng, who was no doubly staring in their direction.

“Well shit.” Red Hood groans just as the rest of the family facepalm or are into much of a shock to do anything.

“Hold on for a second, Adrien,” Marinette states holding out her hand as her other hand goes to grab her phone.

On the rooftop, Red Hood’s phone was going off. None of them wanted to answer it. In fact, there were certain that they didn’t want to answer. Instead of taking it like a man, the brother quickly gathers their items and disappear off the roof.

“Do I even want to know, what’s going on, Buggy?”

“No, Kitten, you don’t wanna know.” Marinette huffs and places her phone back in her purse. “I have an hour to hour to kill before I dinner and you and I have a lot to catch up on.” Marinette wraps her hands around Adrien’s shoulder, who smiles sheepishly at the dark-haired woman. “I hear that you and—”

“Mari!” Adrien interrupts blushing a deep red to which Marinette laughs and opens the door to the building.

An hour later, Adrien stands behind Marinette, who was on a warpath knocking against the large doors to Wayne Manor. They could hear furniture moving, people yelping, and a cough. Alfred stands at the with a greeting smile like no other, though Adrien could sense the double meaning.

“Good evening, Alfred, how are you?” Marinette greets with that sickly-sweet smile; Adrien knows all too well. Marinette never the one to keep the deadly appearance apart of her getup but she knows how to use her best aspects for the worst.

“Good evening, Miss Marinette and you is your guest?”

“Oh, silly me, this is my brother in everything but blood, Adrien Dupain-Cheng.” Marinette gestures for Adrien to follow. She places her jacket and purse down and examines the room. Of course, the couch was being used as a blockage.

“Ooh…boys?” Marinette sings walking past the couch, setting each and everyone right side up.

In the dining room, the four men all look to one another scared to utter a single sound. They did not want to deal with Marinette, especially Jason.

“Whose bright idea was it to allow Hood to shoot at Adrien?” Marinette’s voice echoes throughout the manor’s first floor. Bruce, who was sitting at the head of the table raises an eyebrow at his sons. He wasn’t in the bat cave when they returned but they returned as quickly as they left.

Dick mouths “you don’t want to know” to his father figure and begins to sweat bullets. “Whatever happens, tell Kor’i and Mar’i that I love them.” The oldest adopted Wayne states as Marinette makes her way to the archway leading into the room.

“You don’t need to worry about that Dickie.” Marinette smiles, “I’m after Jason.” At the mention of his name, Jason darts out of his seat and through the window. Alfred and Adrien watch the scene play out in two different emotions. Adrien was curious while Alfred was just done with everything.

“I’ll place the order for a new window sir. Is any hungry for dinner?” No one answer to afraid to make them the next target to Marinette’s anger.

“Dinner sounds nice, Alfred.” Marinette smiles sending more chills down the remaining three batbros. “So, everyone, meet Adrien, my brother. Apparently, someone tried to kill him this evening, should I know something about that.”

“I’m more concerned as to why you were using a burner phone to contact Agreste.” Damian murmurs to which Marinette heard him and was immediately behind her fiancé.

Lowering herself to make sure her lips were closer to his ear, she whispers, “Why would it matter, Demon?” She leans back and gestures for Adrien to take a seat. “Adrien here was in hiding from the press and it was my idea from the start.”

Damian chokes on air, the feeling of death forever lingering. He knew there was a reason why he loves Marinette, and this was one of them.

“Is it safe to come in?” Jason’s head pops up only to get greeted by a Batarang. “Got still not safe, you know what I’ll just go eat out.” Everyone turns to Marinette, who was still showcasing her sickly-sweet smile.

“Anyone want to join him?” She asks taking the empty seat next to Damian, who was spatting himself down making sure he had no weapon on his being that she can reach.

“No, we’re all good here, um, Adrien tell us about yourself?” Tim ends the harsh silence quickly and for once he was actually awake.

Adrien smiles and begins to talk about his latest adventure.

Moments later, Alfred returns with dinner solidifying tonight’s adventure.

Much, much later…

Damian and his brothers came out of their stupor of last night’s event. “Wait then who was vandalizing Mari’s store and image?” Tim asks before pressing a cup of coffee to his lips.

Before any of them to grab their devices to hunt down the real culprit, Marinette walks into the living room. “It was an old employee of mine. He only did it because someone—by the name of Lie-la—offer him some big money. He never received it so he came clean.”

Marinette then picks up the keys from the decorative bowl and leaves her place.

The three older brothers turn to their youngest, “You better not divorce her.” They all state at the same time. Damian only nods, agreeing with his brothers for once in his life.

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[energyanon]

I tried to step inside HC's energy today. I don't have a ton of experience with this but was curious enough to try. I got a splitting headache almost instantly (which also went away immediately afterwards, so I'm pretty sure it wasn't me). I also felt a lot of bottled up rage, to the point where it scared me a bit. I never felt that he had the urge to hurt anyone, just that he wanted to scream but didn't have the energy to. And I felt pain, like the visceral sort that's caused by grief. I was expecting to feel sadness after reading your posts, but this felt different to me. I also felt that he is tired, like you did.

I also pulled some tarot cards to ask about his current situation, and without hijacking your blog with a crazy long post, I got that he is having his energy and power drained by current burdens or people in his life, that someone close to him is trying to deceive him, and that he will need to make some sort of choice to get un-stuck, so to speak. I asked what he needs to do to find his divine counterpart, and I again pulled cards about a choice. Some sort of transformation is needed to embark on a new beginning, which will be part of his healing journey. And that while on this journey, he will meet his divine counterpart who will help complete the healing process for him. The choice to embark on this journey of self-healing seemed to be a required step for them to meet.

Anyway, just thought I'd share in case you or anyone else is interested. I do believe that he needs to take responsibility for his actions, but I also have a bit more compassion for him now because he seems to feel very lost and deflated, like he knows he got off track somewhere but he doesn't know how to fix it. I was exhausted after spending less than an hour in his energy, so I can't imagine being in that state 24/7. And I'm sure living under a microscope isn't helping anything. I hope he can get the help he needs.

Very interesting, I have yet to do HC on his own (not relating to NV or his family) so maybe I’ll add that one to my list too. It would make sense that there is some anger there, he’s living a life that he didn’t expect for himself. I have the feeling he was expecting or wanting to be one of the most renowned actors by now. Also he’s clearly been taught to hide emotions as much as he’s said before that he knows how to control them. Horseshit, he knows how to shove them deep down. That’s a class English culture thing as much as a family issue. But I’m not about to do a family constellation for the guy. I can tell just by the first one that theres a lot of work there. I think you’re spot on :)

For tarots absolutely 100% energy vampires around him. Honestly I believe it’s Dany more than NV, but NV is more than likely attributing to it. I also feel there are some friends and members of family that are apart of that. His career as a whole sucks him dry too.

That’s great that he finds someone to help him out, hopefully he can do so without sucking them dry as well. If you’ve been in a relationship with people who haven’t done their work and are codependent which I truly believe he is, that divine counterpart is gonna have to be the strength for them both to get through that, otherwise he’ll destroy her. Usually with divine counterparts there is ALOT of pain to overcome. I’m glad that’s coming for him, but I hope it works out in the best way possible.

I also used to absolutely hate that guys guts I thought he was so fucking pretencious and narcissistic, but after stepping into his energy and learning more about psychology and generational trauma, there is certain compassion for what he’s going through. And I do understand him as a human a bit better. However I still fully believe that a 40 year old not taking steps towards healing however small is at this point on him. He needs to be doing what he can to help himself, no one can do the work for him. And it’s all well and good to have empathy, but I feel that when we do so we also excuse the fact that everyone needs to take responsibility for themselves and their healing too.

So yes, compassion for what he’s been through/stuck in, but don’t take on that energy for him, he needs to be in it and learn from it. That’s one of the best lessons you learn from any kind of energy work, is never to take the energy for people, you can sympathise, but you also need to maintain enough distance to let them know you are not their support. They are.

I absolutely agree with your reading though, well done :)

[myvaginismusjournal]

Hi, it's been forever and a day! Life has been absolutely insane for me with so many big changes and COVID and everything going on.

So biggest thing, my husband and I have separated. He moved out in July and it's definitely for the best. Back in February I came to a realization that my husband is incredibly emotionally abusive and has been for quite a long time, practically our whole marriage however it got a lot worse in the past couple of years. A lot of this realizing had to do with my mom and dad separating because my dad is emotionally abusive to my mom. It caused me to look and see the extreme similarities in my relationship, we tend to marry one of our parents or we emulate their relationship because that's what we know! Theres a lot of bad stuff that I'll probably post about every once in a while since I kind of need a place to let stuff out and he doesn't follow me here so I can speak a lot more freely. We had a talk about it in February and he said he'd work on stuff. I really pulled away though and I think his actions are so far rooted unless he seeks professional help, that won't really fully change. So fast forward to June and we have a big talk about everything and discussed the possibility of separating/divorce and said we'd each think about it. We also said hey, we need to start being fully and completely honest with each other so that was good. A week later, he decided to move out. I feel like I should have been the one to say you need to move out, but he thankfully knew I would probably have a really tough time doing that and did it himself instead. I'm grateful to him for that for sure. He moved out super quick which was really hurtful and surprise he ended up with a place he hates because he jumped into it so quickly. We still talk a tiny bit, but mostly just memes or stuff like mail or finances that we need to discuss.

When he moved out, I was very heartbroken and upset because it was so quick. But once he was fully out, the main thing I felt and still feel, is relief. No longer walking on eggshells all the time, being able to be myself, not having to constantly shove my emotions down. I've been feeling happy and free which I think says a lot. I've been unlearning a lot of my habits that I would do simply to placate him. I also have been realizing that although I'm extremely lonely and sad, I don't actually really miss him. I miss having a relationship and a partner, even though it was a toxic one.

A month later he came by to pick up some stuff and I invited him in for a little bit. As he started to leave though he asked me for a hug and we both started crying. We had another frank and honest conversation where he said he's trying to change as hes realized how negative and angry of a person he is and how he hates him own self so he needs to work on being happy with himself. He also mentioned how he realized that a lot of his behavior was learned from his dad since that's how his dad treated him/his mom growing up. This was probably the most emotional maturity I've ever seen from him! He talked about how he wants to get back together and work at the relationship but he understands if I cant. I had to be honest with him and said that I wasn't completely writing our relationship off but I was leaning towards not getting back together. Also talked about how worried I was if we got back together things would maybe be okay for a bit and then fall back into old habits. Talked about how he had to do his growing for him, not for me and a chance to get me back because that might not happen. Talked about how it would be a good idea for him to seek professional help with his depression and anger issues. It was a very very hard conversation but good.

Now it's been almost two months since he moved out and he came by today to pick up a package that got delivered here instead of his new place. He did try and get it rerouted but it didn't happen unfortunately. So he came by. He looked so depressed and sad but thankfully I was wfh so I couldn't invite him in to chat or anything. The loneliness hit me super hard after he left though. It made me think, oh maybe I should try again. But I had to realize that, no, it's not him I'm missing, it's having someone around. He was really really horrible to me and I don't think two months is going to change something so deeply rooted in him. As well, I don't think I'm ready to forgive all the hurt and pain he's caused me. Maybe one day I will. But right now, I need to end it, not lead him or myself one with hope of getting back together because I honestly don't think we will. I think it's gone too far and there's no turning back on what's occurred. God it hurts so much though. Like I've spent almost 6 years of my life married to him. September 27 would be our anniversary actually.

I'm also terrified of having to essentially start over. I am the type of person who loves love! I like being in a relationship and I see myself having a partner again. But goodness I have no idea how to date or flirt or do all of that!! I started dating my husband at 18 and then got married at 21. I've only ever been with him. I've only ever kissed him. I've only ever had sex with him and even that barely because wow when you're being emotionally abused and manipulated, it doesn't help the vaginismus (sarcastic shocked Kirk meme here). I somewhat wonder if vaginismus has something to do with that too. Like my subconscious didn't fully trust him and made it harder. We did have penetration a couple of times, however it wasn't ever really good for me. Hell we barely had any kind of sex in the past two years because either I was completely horrible at the task or it wasn't PIV and that upset him. Ugh. But like what does that mean for future relationships?? Part of me wants to just go out there and have a fling to see if maybe that'll help but it probably won't because I need to trust them first. Ugh. Just everything sucks so much and I don't want to start over but I have to and we'll see how that all goes with my vaginismus.

I've got a lot to talk about in regards to the emotional abuse and also other life stuff including: leaving a religious cult, working at a hospital during a pandemic, maybe becoming a witch???, and future dating updates hopefully. Lol I need to go to a therapist omg

Sorry to just word dump, I've been needing to get it out!!!

[angryschnauzer]

Hey guys. Ok, so i know how everyone hates these posts, but its my last option and i’ll be blunt, the bills are piling in and they are completely outstripping what i am making. Hubby’s money covers the mortgage, the utilities, things like that. My money is meant to cover food, fuel, and anything the Little Dude needs, and any of his expenses like school or sports clubs. But... my money isn’t covering it anymore. Little dude has had another growth spurt, he’s now over 4ft tall (not bad for a kid that isn’t even 5 for another week!), which has meant new school shoes again, new school uniform, new home clothes. Even searching what i can second hand, it isn’t always possible to get the things we need 2nd hand, and it means i have to make the decision as to whether we eat cereal for dinner or he has a warm winter coat that will actually fit him for school. And oh boy, the kid just piles away food.... jeez, some days i think he eats more than i do, in fact i *know* he eats more than i do. And he needs to eat good quality food, not the same instant ramen i will happily feed myself. 

I have worked so hard to keep my business going. Its the only thing i can do with my various health issues, both physical and mental. Having Aspergers is not fun, there are days when all i want to do is sit in a darkened room and not talk to anyone. Then there’s my Asthma and compromised immune system. The second someone sneezes in my direction i’m dreading the resulting virus they give me. Some days i can barely breathe (in fact today is one of those), and yet i get people asking me why i don’t walk to pick Little Dude up from school... well dumbasses i can barely make it to the bottom of our garden, let alone a 2 mile walk up steep hills and through a busy town that is known for air pollution. Anyway, through all this rambling i have a point, and its that as much as i would like to get a second job, something evenings or weekends, i physically and mentally can’t.

So now you’ve listened to my sob story. And i thank you for that. When i have healthy months i’m donating to help pages and sharing what i can, i guess now i’m asking the same. I hate the thought of people not getting anything for their money, we live in a society where we all work so hard for no return, well in this case i simply want to point you towards my Etsy shop. I’ve added a load of new things there in the last month, i’ve got Marvel Ribbon Bookmarks, there’s crochet gifts, theres vintage stuff, i’ve even added a sale section. Everything ships worldwide, and it is all obviously completely private, i won’t know who you are on here if you buy from me. I’ll even add in a discount coupon code of ‘LOVELY’ that will give you an additional 10% off your items.

So i guess all i should now say is thank you, and here’s to hopefully 2020 being slightly less stressful than the previous decade.

https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/Redhillconfetti

[bookworming-101]

Alright, this review might be shorter then I’ll like due to the fact that tumblr is giving me such an issue these past few days???

Rant: It hasn’t let me upload any new posts or queues, hasnt let me upload photos and won’t let me write anything in the text boxes/ lines/ place. I’m able to click it and all that BUT ITS NOT LOADING AS OF TODAY (11/12/2020) and let me tell you I am alot more frustrated than I wish to be about it >:( Has anyone figured out what’s going on? It is an outage? Ugh!!

End Scene.

Now moving on to the actual review:

Gideon the Ninth had me from the cover. I remember walking by a table seeing the cover and being like yup I’m purchasing this along with the “approved” list of books I had originally been purchasing for that day.

And, let me tell you guys, it’s insanely unique. Unique in the story, the plot, the ideas- the world was cool.

However, while I did enjoy the book for reasons I hope to briefly list later, this book is absolutely a “show more than tell” book. You might understand this, you might not- and I’ll explain. Writers, as we know, all have their personalized touch. Their flourishes of crossing their t’s and dotting their i’s. But, there’s two styles in which I’ve found throughout my time reading over these years. Books that tell you things about the world through the dialogue of the character in the sense of like the Hunger Games about the mockingjay. “They can only mimic what they heard, Katniss” versus what Tamsyn, in all her writing glory, shows us; the world. i improv here but hopefully you get the just. “Harrow wore the white paint, black in the hollows of her cheeks, creating lines of teeth over her lips...” etc.

The latter is what forms the meat of this book. It is a solar system of culture, religion (in a way) and overall, a new environment in which description plays an extensive role in painting the picture of the setting. And it is because of this that everything else seems to blur a little too much in the background of things.

I liked the characters, but I didnt love them. I felt their relationship was utterly complex and that the pushing of scenes between them was overly simplified and watered down to create a dynamic. But, I also understood this story touched on this enemies to friends trope- so I’m not altogether upset with this, just a smidge disappointed.

Now, the action, i absolutely loved. I kid you not- theres at least 30 pages of a necromaner/ sword/ demon(?)esque making via necromancer that was insane. I was even more impressed by the vernacular and the “magic” of it all. The shields of bubbly yellow fat (this is a REAL part of the book) that protects one character I could picture so avidly I was like- YES, THIS IS THE GRITTINESS OF WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A NECROMANER- And I LOVED IT. Especially because, again, description is Tamsyn’s skill.

But, overall, I was left a little confused (although not deterred because I do wish to read the next book). Because of this “show not tell” aspect, there were some “revelations” that I did not quite grasp the severity of because it didnt feel severe enough to warrant more than a mention here or there. There were also inferences that escaped my senses as well because again, the showing and haunted palace that is the scene took precedence over every else.

So, overall, Gideon the Ninth is truly a story that you can picture to the T. However, it’s aimed very specifically for some readers and because it is as such, I would suggest reading the first chapter before anything else.

Because again, it is very much a “niche” style of writing.

[shiro-0197]

I'm so sorry for the late reply 😭😭😭 I was so busy yesterday and then when I was finally free I was so tired and just ready to collapse somewhere— and I woke up with the worst cramps so I was just grouchy this whole morning and afternoon 😣😭😭 I'm sorry!! But I'm feeling better now, so don't worry!!

Gloves are handy haha. Unrelated, but do you like fingerless gloves?

You're such a great friend, honestly. Also, I meant to ask, do you two share a birthday too?

AKDJSKJSKS ‼️‼️‼️😿😿😿😿😿 hmm okay fine🥺🥺🥺🥺, bUT IT'S SO FUN :DDDD

your mom is literally superwoman, she's such a strong, brave, person, I can see where you get all your good traits from, now. 💖💖 And I'm really glad you told me about her. 😆

🥺🥺🥺🥺Uno reverse tho, you're way cuter 👉👈

that's understandable tho hahahah, I think it's an acquired taste. Crabs probably do taste good :D I should try, in the future. But I'm allergic to shrimp, so that's also why I stay away from seafood in general. Are you allergic to anything?

yes please omg I'm melting 😭😭 something specially made by you?? Perfection ‼️‼️‼️✨

oh I see!! I love using chopsticks because they're so compact and easy to keep. Plus most people use them the wrong way, but my grandma is Chinese, so she always made sure I used them the right way, and like, knew lots of stuff about our Chinese culture xD sorry for going offtopic!! How about you, are your grandparent big on stuff like that?

thank you so much bae. The fact that you understand me, even if I'm a bit salty at times means the world, and I hope you know I'm here for you if you ever wanna cuss at the world too >:) always ✨

I definitely did smile :D I saw fireworks last night, with a friend. My brothers called a couple of their friends over— and I ended the year with a smile, and started one with a smile too!! I hope you did as well? And I can't wait to see what memories we'll make this year 😼😼💖 do you have any plans for the first day of the year? Abigail is coming in a few minutes to pick me up, but she won't tell me where we're going, so I'm excited about that! What about you?

I love you Shiro. I really am so glad I met you. And even though 2020 had it's ups and downs, it was precious because we found each other :)

It's alright!! I've been busy (and asleep till 12, ahem) too, so it's fine hehe. I'm glad you're feeling better but I'm vv sorry your morning was like that:(( Not the best start of the year😭

I do! I think they're badass, and even though I usually forget about thei existence, I get an aesthetically pleased feeling whenever I look at them :D

Yeah, that's basically how we found each other, tho he had a different insta page at the time. It was on someone else's post, where it said "comment your birthday and find your twin" and I took a look at his posts and stories and I was like "we are one", that's basically it. Now I'm his dog or something😭

Sunshine I know it's fun but breaking your spine or getting a bruise if were talking no exaggerations isn't, so better be careful😡😡

She totally is and I always feel like an absolute asshole when I dont appreciate her or raise my voice at her because of my anger issues LIKE SIR YOURE THE WORST hopefully I'll learn to be calm😭

Nonononsense, you're the cutest there is, no comebacks🤭

Ohhh, I've never tried shrimp😭😭 Someone told me it feels like moist fishy cake which sounds bad on it's own but they love it so ehh XD I'll try it if I can, hopefully I don't waste my money when I do.

Well, not that I'm aware of? I havent tried everything in the world yet, so I dont know, but I dont think im allergic to anything~

Ohh, that's so cool! I havent really met any of my grandparents in a while, but as much as I've visited them, none of them were really into culture or anything😔 all they knew is to curse at their exes and children qkdkwkkd Dont worry about going offtopic!! It's actually nice to know something about your family and etc, it's pretty cool !!

Theres no need to thank me!!! That's what friends are for, ay? I'll surely keep that in mind, and I'll totally message you if I wanna rant^з^

Ik so glad to hear that!! I did as well, I had some very nice snacks during the countdown and it was wonderful xD I also had some random guy message me saying happy new year, and were probably never gonna talk to each other again but it was fun knowing him.

I dont really have any plans for today, just a walk, a call with Kuro and another sandwich XD

I'm looking forward to our new year with each other as well! Im so glad I got to meet you<33 I love you lots, hope your day is going well!❤❤

[pygmeys]

Hey so this is kinda important

i woke up today to see that a poem/rant i had written a few years ago had resurfaced and was getting notes again. the rant was about all the shitty complicated feelings surrounding my at the time ongoing struggle with eating disorders. and, as it has happened before, it making rounds again caused a surge of new followers on my blog. i wont say these people are proana or thinspo blogs because i dont think they all are, however by glancing at their blogs its easy to tell that eating disorders and other mentall issues are a common thread among them.

i wrote this rant when i was 19. im 22 now and although i wouldn't say im fully recovered from the things i experienced (can any of us truly recover from something like that in this hell of a society?) i am doing much much better. ive dedicated myself to healing for about 4 years now and its not always great but i can say i am doing good, i even manage to feel hot and pretty sometimes, fat and all. but it is very hard and complicated, even now i can hardly go through a meal without second guessing myself, so i understand what its like to be in that place mentally and i really dont judge anyone for holding on to whatever coping mechanisms they can find out there.

that said i do think proana and thinspo groups are horribly unhealthy. and youre not an idiot, you also probably know how harmful it is in the long run to seek out communities made up of a neverending stream of self hate. and i do get it, but you need to stop. so if you wanna take some advice from someone whos been through it here it is: when you are very hurt and alone it is comforting to surround yourself with more pain, its an instant form of validation that can be so hard to find in a world thats so harsh at times and that probably has been very harsh to you. but by doing this you are only trapping yourself in a cycle where it feels like hurting is the only real thing you can get yourself to feel. being cruel to yourself can become so satisfying when you think that it makes you the one in control, because at least then you are the one delivering the blow. but the truth is that it just makes you loose sight of all the other options that are available to you. eating disorders and other mental issues twist your perception so much, its unreal. the truth is that absurd as it sounds, a better, healthier, happier way of living is within your reach. recovery is so hard, specially at first and relapses are inevitable but once you start realizing that you can actually heal and improve yourself, your world really starts opening up for the better.

if any of these new followers of mine have read through this without getting upset at me and want to know what i reccomend doing next here it is:

find therapy, any kind of therapy, and if you feel like its not working or that youre being hurt/judged by it, find another form of therapy. for me personally what really did it was going to a nutritionist that focused on helping people out of eating disorders through healthy eating habits.

unfollow people and tags that post triggering or upsetting content, start following whatever makes you truly happy, fandoms, cute animals, positivity blogs, yoga, meditation, etc.

it wont always work but try countering whatever negative thoughts and words come out of your head. tell yourself as much as you can that theres good and worth and kindness in you. you might not always believe it but its a good start.

find out ways in which other people can help you and explicitly ask them to do that for you. try not getting upset if this doesnt work with everyone all the time, but the people who love you will try to do whats in their capabilities to help you out.

thats all i can think of right now. for some other things you can look up the positivity and recovery tags in my blog. i know im just some idiot on the internet and you really dont have to listen to me, but hopefully some of the helps out. as for me, you can reach out if you need some help or advice finding resources, but the truth is that im not qualified to be anyones therapist, eating disorders are still a sensitive and triggering subject to me, and i also need to take care of myself.

[mj1343]

no one really asked me to make this post besides my anxiety but here we are

I often dont know how i can help or be useful in these times of really really horrible shit going on and one of the reasons is ive barely worked through problems of my own- let me start with i support BLM 10000% of the way im a white 17 year old dude i know i have privilege ive heard and seen stories of horrible acts (especially in the last few weeks) and i hear you and stand with you 1000% of the way i promise but i dont know how to help- theres a real double edged sword especially here on tumblr where people say “work thru ur problems take care of urself first u are important” and then also “heres 1000 issues going on today you need to donate NOW and go protest NOW” and firstly i am uninformed i am more out of the loop than most of my friends i get info mostly from the internet so i feel i dont always get the best info some of the time (plus i live in the south which is its own can of worms) but im trying to learn all i can i just sometimes dont know where to start- but also like i said i have my own problems like depression and anxiety and a huge lack of motivation to do anything even get up and move some of the time and im not saying my personal problems are more important than the lives of hundreds of thousands of people im not saying that promise i just like- im a 17 year old with not much cash and anxiety and a lack of motivation i feel like i need to be useful but i dont know how and like fuck man being alive is so fucking exhausting i promise i want to help but i also want to focus on being able to get out of bed and if i cant even do that how am i supposed to help people- so like i know i cant save the world but if i help out a few people thats supposed to be good but i also want to focus on me sometimes but im being thrown all these terrible things and kind of just expected to be able to help and i dont know how

i want to help but i also want to focus on me but theres so much to help with sometimes i cant focus on myself but if i cant deal with my problems i cant help other people and i dont know what to do i have no power in this world as a teenager with little money but know i stand with you and im trying my best i promise and hopefully now that ive said this my brain can stop pumping me full of anxiety a little less

[sigetstopsurgery]

eight days since top surgery

whoof i really havent had the energy to post anything or even type at all until now so this is gonna be a long one. ill kinda try and do a little review of every day up until now in little groups, hopefully its all still fresh enough in my memory

jan 3rd: so i think the funniest part about me waking up post surgery was the fact that i went in to the operating room with one IV and woke up with three because apparently i have an anesthesia resistance that no one really knew about because i haven’t had surgery before except for wisdom teeth. i was kept at the hospital way longer than expected for a couple reasons: 1.) i was dosed up with so much anesthetic that i wouldn’t stay the fuck awake 2.) i did end up keeping my nipples meaning that i had to stay for a couple extra hours to make sure that the tissue took hold and didnt die (it didnt! im all good!) 3.) i puked multiple times, once again because of the absolutely massive amount of anesthesia they had to use on me. when i got home i was pretty much just wiped out and kinda miserable because of the puking and etc. my partner was there to take care of me and definitely made me feel a lot better. i dont really think i did much that night except lay in bed and watch buffy the vampire slayer. i did end up trying to eat and then also ended up puking again so that was not great at all. overall though? of all the things that couldve gone wrong at this point this was not bad at all.

jan 4th-6th: spent entire days in bed or on the couchpretty much just switching between sleeping and watching tv. man for the first few days i was just really wiped out. i couldnt brush my teeth, change clothes, or pee by myself so everything i was doing was really rough and took so so much extra effort. i ended up only taking the opioid pain meds on the day after i got home from surgery. otherwise i’ve been sticking strictly to tylenol. during this time i was getting a lot of little electric shocks of pain as well as a lot of pain in my drain areas and just general achiness. some people came and visited me so that helped in terms of distractions. at one point in this i had a really bad issue with constipation because of the painkillers that i took on the second day which was quite painful and upsetting. other than that though i was mostly just kinda waiting out the days and sleeping a lot.

jan 7th-10th: i started feeling better during this time, i was progressively able to do more and more things for myself, and i had energy for longer and longer periods. one of these days (i think it was the 8th) i went to the grocery store with my mom and my partner because i wanted sushi and i was going a little stir crazy. when i got home and checked a couple hours later, my drain was filled up with blood which is very much not supposed to happen. the doctors think i just jostled the drain from walking too much and accidentally hit a new pocket of fluid. i didnt end up having to go in because it wasnt a lot of blood and i didnt have any increased pain. sure was gross and anxiety provoking though. my darling partner also helped me rinse out my hair one of these days, which made me feel infinitely more human. ive been trying to change my clothes every day and etc, but its a rough process when you cant do it entirely by yourself. im really looking forward to monday when my drains come out and i can see my chest and also shower finally.

jan 11th: today is the first day that ive felt almost normal. like yeah im covered in bandages and theres tubes in my sides but ive felt mostly okay all day and havent had to take any tylenol or anything. the unfortunate part about this is that since i now feel okay physically pretty much im feeling even more trapped and uncomfortable and sad and stir crazy overall. luckily, its a nice day outside so im sitting and typing this with the door open so theres a breeze which always makes me feel a lot better. ive only got one more full day with my drains in and i could not be more excited to get them out and see whats goin on under these bandages!

[completleymessy01]

7.5.20

Hi. I have alot to talk about, and idk if i will get to everything. Alot has happened since my last post. We are still on lockdown, im bored, but liking my new life more than my old one. I have managed to lose quite alot of weight, and im worried that ive reached my peak and wont be able to lose any more wieght. When really, i still need to lose atleast another 2-3kg. I believe in myself though. Im going to push through and really try hard to lose the remaining weight. Im saying this because today i ate rather unhealthy and had like four cookies. I actually have a “ sugar:” heacahe, which is a sore head i get when i have had too much junk food. My weight is just one of the many things on my mind. My father got arrested around a month ago and I have had no sort of contact with him. I miss him so much. I have to wait till atleast july 6th before i can speak to him. Whats so frustrating is that no one tells me shit. I dont know why i cant see him till then, all i knwo is that if i do, he will go to prison. That some mean shit right there. I have all these people telling me its a good thing he isnt in my life anymore.Saying that i have been abused and shouldnt want him in my life . But what they dont seem to understand is that he is me and im him. I am atleats 50% of him. Which terrifies me, i see it when i look into the mirror. His eyes, his lips, his resting face. I see it in my emotions. the anger that burns inside, when i shout at my brother i worry i will shout at my kids, abuse my kids, the same way my father abused me. Thats why i stand by his side. because i wish that my kids will stand by my side if i was to ever abuse them. Its like ive already decdied that i will be an awful mother. Like my father was to me. People tell me im nothing like him, but i know i am. I am different from others. I dont really feel much. and that scares the shit out of me. Tonight i feel lonley, and sorta wish i had a boyfriend lying next to me. A man in my life who would protect me from my father, and not let anyone treat me like shit or abuse me. Someone to hold me, look after me, look after my mum. I have this oveerwhelming feeling to care and nurture my mother and my brother. Like its my responsbility to look after them,my mother doesnt have any money and we are poor without my step dad. i wish i could make money somehow and provide for my family. One day i will. i swear to it. Being a victim of abuse has made me stronger. People at school, think im just the blonde pretty girl who has no personality and is dramatic. I can garantee im not. My father is a convict, my mother is stuck in a relationship for money, my brother suffers from multiple mental health issues. Dont even get started on me. Theres this one girl in my year, for some reason she really irritates me. I mean, she is pretty normal. Has lots of friends that are girls and boys, posts tik toks, is an old friend of my bestest friends. But she annoys me. She is a clear example of a privelledged person in my year who has no clue of the real world, and probably never will. She is popular, and whne ur popular u have so much power its insane. Im not popular. I dont know why, but i dont have alot of friends, When i do make a friend, they often say to me “ jeez your not as bad as everyone makes out” my heart always sinks. What is it about me thats so awful? I mean its probably the fact that i wear a mask to school, i act confident, smart, your tyypical dramatic teenage girl, when really im not confident, i dont think im smart and really nothing fucking fazes me. I sometimes think about posting online “ guess what? Just thought i would let you know i was abused all my life, emotionally and physcially by my dad, and now he has been arrested, so no, im not some fdramatic brat that has no clue, i know more about the real world than any of you” that would make me happy for about two seconds until i am then percieved as the attention seeking bitch. i mean, i swear you cant win in high school. I found out my classes for next year, there is this boy in one of my classes that i used to have a thing for, we talked at parties, over snpachat, but then out of nowhere he started dating some girl that was really popular and i guess u could say “edgy” however i was used to never getting the boy i liked so i moved on. But now he is in one of my three classes and i really cant afford to be distracted. Netx year is going to be the best year, i will hopefully be skinny, be applying to uni, be making friends, going to parties, possibly even a boyfriend. Although i am extremley picky, and the type of girl who likes one boy and wont settle for anyone else. Anyway my sugar headache is overpowering me and im tired. So night

[shootycatfishgame]

Its been a big week with most of my free time dedicated to wrapping up Shooty and the Catfish Episode 2: The Spoopies (sorry I Saved A Mouse but your on the back burner) so I can try to get the game out for Halloween. Why Halloween you ask? Well because the episode is all about spooky ghosts and other monsters, and releasing the game in time Halloween will hopefully get people who are wanting to play games in that Halloween spirit interested. It worked for Flatwoods, so hopefully it works again here. In all honesty theres not a whole lot of work left to be done on the game, this week I managed to finish off the last floor of the games single dungeon, finished all of the NPC dialogue both in the dungeon and post game, got the optional side quest up and running (much like Episode 1 there is a collectable figure attached to an optional bossfight to be found), created several new battlers for some optional combat scenarios and created an opening cutscene, something Episode 1 lacked. I am also still slowly releasing the soundtrack to Episode 1 with the miniboss theme "Yeh This" being released on Youtube this week. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGNMuA5hUIo&feature=youtu.be There are still 3 more tracks from Episode 1 that I want to get released before the launch of Episode 2. So whats left? Well, today I am hoping to start balancing the combat and once thats done I will be sending the game out to a handful of people for testing. While thats going on I am going to be working on the games trailer.  All in all I think I am going to do my best to get the game done and released on October 1st. I am also going to patch Episode 1 for newcomers with some minor bug fixes (nothing serious, just the wrong battle background in the final boss fight and things of that nature) along with cleaning up the collectable figure side quest and updating the visuals of the doors so that each kind of door (small key, boss key, elevator etc) has its own distinct look, something that was implemented in Episode 2 and seemed stupidly obvious as an issue in hindsight. Once the game is out and had its first inevitable patch I will be getting back to work on finishing up my short I Saved A Mouse and then my Patreon launch video. After that its strait into Episode 3. Oh yeah, I have a Patreon now so if you want to help me with my animated shorts or indie game projects now you can, you will find me right over here: https://www.patreon.com/VisitorsFromDreams Thank you again everyone who has been following this project! ~ <3

[turdblossommm]

I’ll Fly Away {6}

Summary: You had a rough childhood and are closed off from people in fear of being hurt again. James Barnes is the complete opposite from you, he grew up well and healthy. James Barnes knew how to get what he wants but when he faces the challenge of knowing you will he succeed?

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

A/N: Hello (crawls out of dark hole I’ve been hiding in) I’m really sorry I haven’t posted I’ve had some big family issues. My father in law recently just lost a long battle with cancer and it’s been a bit rough. Thank you for being patient and hopefully you still want to read this

part five, masterlist

Tuesday back at work was dreadful, you’d become accustomed to not getting up in the morning and working. The subway ride was slow and painful, drawing out the start of the day you didn’t want to start. When you got in everyone asked about you mom and how she was doing, reminding you that these were good people which put you in a good mood.

The morning passed quickly due to having to catch up on work. You grabbed the sandwich order and walked up to Natasha’s office, the fifth sandwich weight heavy in your hands. You don’t know if you were ready to face James today, you did ignore him the entire time you were with Annie.

“Thank god, I’m ravenous” Natasha walked over to you and you slide James’s sandwich out and handed her the bag and walked back in the elevator. You picked your nails as you were lifted in to the sky. What if he was mad? You basically ignored him for a week, he probably had better things to do than wonder what’s happening with me, you thought.

But on the contrary, James paced his office in anticipation. Hoping you’d be back today, he had so many questions for you today. Were you lying and just fed his a sob story to make him feel empathy. The whole mom thing confused him. Why would wither of you lie to him?

You knocked on his door, normally you’d walk right in but today felt different. He answered the door and you saw relief fill his eyes when they found yours. He motioned for you to come in and you handed him the sandwich in passing and sat across from his chair

“You must have questions” You spoke quietly 

“I do” He settled in his seat “Why did Natasha say you were with you mom? I thought she died”

“Wow you’re not beating around the bush today” You mumbled and adjusted your body in the chair “Annette is the closets thing I had to a mom as a kid, she was one of my foster moms” He nodded

“Whats wrong with her?”

“Early on set Alzhimers, when she was diagnosed her husband divorced her and the kids took his side. There was no prenup set so she gets half his money and it all goes to her treatment.” He nodded slowly

“Karma”

“Yes. Her treatment plan changed and they won’t come to the house on the weekends, so I have to be there for her and I was getting everything set up. I apologies for not responding to your calls or texts, but I was a little preoccupied” You finished and folded your hands in you lap.

“No need to apologize, you’re hands were full” You gave him a small smile and stood“I’ll see you tomorrow James” You smiled

“Call me Bucky.” He called “Only my employees and my mother call me James”

“Goodbye Bucky” You shut the door behind you and stepped into the elevator. That went better than you imagined it would. Maybe it was your time in foster care that made you fear other’s rage, more often than not you were at the hands of their rage.

James was- Bucky, was different those all those people, most people. He let you explain yourself without showing an once of anger or resentment. Maybe he did see you as a whole person, not the shy girl who was always sad.

After getting to know Bucky Barnes you realized he wasn’t anything like the rumors spread about him. He was kind and compassionate, at least with you. The business world is different than real world relationships.

“Mouse theres a guy here for you!” Dave yelled, snapping you out of your thoughts of Bucky.

“Did you get his name?” You asked politely and he shook his head and you sighed. You rounded the corner and found Steve standing at the end of the counter. You grabbed Sarah’s order and invoice

“Figured I’d save you the trip to the diner” Steve smiled 

“Thank you” You had him sign the invoice and you gave him a small smile

“See you next week?” You nodded and he gave you a smile over his shoulder

“Mouse who’s your friend?” Sarah asked with a brow raised 

“None of your business” You snapped and walked back to the office/vacuum pack room and finished up your paper work before clocking out for the day. You were about to step on the subway when Natasha’s name flashed on your screen

“Yes?”

“How much do you love me?” You scoffed

“Not enough”

“Bitch” you giggled “Want to keep me company while I work late?”

“No why would I do that?” You picked your nails

“Because your smarter than me and I need you to read over some official emails and presentations” You thought for a second

“Fine but your ordering pizza and have Clint feed Ares please?”

“You’re so needy” She groaned 

“Do we need to rewind this conversation?” You asked with sass

“No, just hurry up” You hung up and walk out the subway station and back towards Bucky’s building. You plugged your headphones in and waited for the elevator to get up to the fifth floor. I walked into the circle of cubicles and looked for Natasha

“I have a arrived”

“And?” She didn’t look up from the printer

“Bow down and be grateful” You glared as she approached you 

“Fuck no” You shrugged

“Love you too” She logged on to another computer and pulled up a series of files

“Try and stay away from porn sites” You rolled your eyes as you skimmed through her paragraphs and adding edits here and there. Nat ordered you pizza and you were blissfully shoving pizza down your throat when Nat interrupted the tranquil moment 

“I gotta pee” You looked at her

“Want me to hold your fucking hand?” You scoffed and went back to your pizza. Little did you know Bucky was on his way out when he caught you on one of the security cams coming in. He watched as you bickered with Nat the entire night.

How you two managed to live together baffled him, the ‘I don’t believe I’m perfect but I do believe I’m humble and my pussy is magic’ comment threw him completely off guard. Bucky’s never really seen you with your guard down this low.I was getting late and Bucky needed to get home. So he decided to wait for Natasha to disappear before he went down. You were mindlessly scrolling through what looked like propositions for potential customers

“I didn’t realized I hired you” You jumped in your chair and turned to find Bucky leaning against the doorway, looking like the whole damn nine yards with his suit jacket over his shoulder.

“I’m not going to respond because I don’t know if I can really do this, so pretend you never saw me” You smiled unconvinced, not wanting Natasha to get in trouble and Bucky chuckled

“Okay on one condition”

“Fine, name your price” 

“A date” He smiled

Taglist: @skeletoresinthebasement @iamwarrenspeace @youreahandsomedevil @alina-barnes @xi-i-i-whatsyouremergency @ambivalence-is-me @101killer