#hopefully the air quality improves so we can still do that lol

[defendglobe]

my absolute brat of a cat stole a package of seeds that my dad left on the table and tried to run off with them.

[togetherwearerapture]

Boundary (Ethan x MC x Tobias?)

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x MC (Elle Valentine) x (hints of) Tobias Carrick

Description: Tobias and Elle get to know each other while working on a case. Tobias pushes some boundaries.

Warnings: A few curse words, underlying health problems. Most characters belong to Pixelberry.

Word Count: 5.9k

Notes: Something a bit different, but I very much enjoyed writing this. There’s no overt Tobias x MC, so this is hopefully something Ethan stans can enjoy reading too. If PB won’t give me what I want, I guess write it myself lol 

*********

It’s early Fall, yet despite this fact and the hospital’s ‘Bloom-and-improved’ ventilation systems, the diagnostics office feels uncomfortably hot. Elle feels a prickling heat across her back, one that she has become accustomed to of late. The façade she’s wearing is beginning to feel like an actual mask, all clinical-scented and restrictive and artificial.

And yet, this is not a mask she’s wearing on a crowded, sweltering T carriage. Her discomfort is unwarranted; there are, after all, only three of them in the room.

Oblivious, Ethan and Harper continue their conversation. She’s tuned out long ago, but she catches the premise- something that Dr Yannick once said at a conference in New York several years ago.

If she really tried, Elle knows she could search for a moment to join in the discussion. But if she’s being honest with herself, she’s tired of searching for sidegates to enter their house of conversation, instead of ever being invited through the front door.

She tries her hardest to appear relaxed, unbothered, indifferent. But her uneasiness spills into her mannerisms, like water through a cracked pot. Manicured nails drum erratically on the top of her thigh. Her top teeth tug, over and over again, at her lips. The apex of her stiletto heel taps the diagnostic office floor like a furious knife.

She likes and respects Harper very much, and her feelings for Ethan, both as a diagnostician and as her romantic partner are unfathomable. But as juvenile as it sounds, she’s so tired of being shut out.

A whooshing of the sliding doors breaks her out of her reverie, and she and the two other occupants of the room look up. Tobias Carrick strides in, all beams and bravado.

Her own notion takes her by surprise, but somehow, she thinks, his arrival is the breath of fresh air she so desperately needs.

“Goooood morning team!” he chimes brightly. Once again, his arms are laden with a trayful of drinks.

“Morning,” Elle offers him a warm smile, Harper echoing her words.

Ethan nods towards the drinks.

“Another round on you?”

“Sure is, but this isn’t just any old round, Ethan,” Tobias replies. “Now I’ve spent a week on the team, I take great pride in this being the first drinks order that’s just right, for all of you.”

Ethan quirks an eyebrow.

“Oh?”

Tobias grins, and plucks the first drink off the tray.

“Harper,” he presents her with an extravagant looking drink. “Chocolate frappucino. Double the sugar, double the caffeine. The Friday OR schedule is always jam packed, so I reckon you’ll need it.”

“You got that right, I’ve got two laminectomies today,” she sighs, although the passion for her job shines through her eyes. She takes a sip from her drink. “No complaints from me!”

“Excellent,” Tobias grins. “Ethan- a Vienna for you. Classic, refined, and,” he winks, “only a little pretentious.”

Ethan accepts the drink with a roll of his eyes, as Tobias moves around the desk to Elle.

“And now, for you Elle,” he hands her the third cup. “I must admit, for you I went out on a whim. I just hope my guess is a lucky one.”

Curiosity piqued, Elle presses the rim to her lips. She is aware of the eyes of both Tobias and Ethan following her action with interest. Mild, pleasant citrus swims onto her palate.

“Lemon balm?” she asks Tobias. He nods. “You going to elaborate?”

He shrugs.

“Well, I’ve noticed that I’ve never seen you with a coffee before 4pm, so I figured you like to limit caffeine earlier in the day. And I’ve seen you make up a couple of herbal teas before. I took a gamble and figured you’d like this one.”

“Impressive guess, Carrick,” Elle nods, amused. She takes a sip. “It’s good, thank you.”

“Those are some very…astute observations” says Ethan stiffly, as Tobias takes a seat beside Elle. “Maybe you can put your perceptiveness to better use for our next case.”

He slides three manila envelopes across the table, and the team begin to peruse.

“Jake Adams. 17-year-old male admitted last night, with multiple cardiac arrests,” Ethan begins. “He collapsed at school, was unresponsive, no signs of life, but luckily a fellow student was able to perform high-quality CPR until the paramedics arrived. Heart rhythm on their defibrillator was ventricular fibrillation, he was shocked, back to normal sinus rhythm. Between the scene, being loaded onto the stretcher, in the ambulance and arriving here, he arrested and was shocked again 5 more times.”

“Jesus, poor boy,” murmurs Elle, a crease forming between her brows.

“Cardiology have asked us if we can determine the cause of the arrest, which will of course determine the treatment,” Ethan explains.

“This case only came in last night and since he’s now on life support, we’re able to bypass Bloom’s absurd judicial performance and get straight into it,” Harper adds. “Actually, Ethan and I discussed it at length before you both arrived, and we have some solid ideas.”

Elle looks up from the file, quirking an eyebrow.

“Oh?”

“So I’m thinking Long QT syndrome, or maybe Brugada,” says Harper.

“They would definitely explain the spontaneous cardiac arrest,” Ethan adds, “Harper and I have ordered genetic testing for both on immediate family members already.”

“Any family history of sudden cardiac death?” Tobias asks.

“Not that we know of,” says Ethan. “But that wouldn’t rule it out.”

Elle frowns slightly as she browses the file. The tests ordered so far are scant, and in her mind, there are several pieces of the diagnostic puzzle missing. But this didn’t seem to stop Harper and Ethan steamrollering ahead, and seemingly settling on a diagnosis before the case had even been presented.

“Does Jake have a-”

“Do you remember that patient with Brugada syndrome who came in for a study a few years ago, Ethan?” Harper turns to Ethan suddenly.

“Ah yes, Paul?” Ethan chuckles, “he was quite a character.”

As Harper and Ethan drift off once again, Elle glances up to see Tobias looking at her quizzically. She lets out a heavy sigh.

Tobias clears his throat.

“Hate to interrupt your…uh…stroll down memory lane,” he begins. “But Elle was about to ask a question about the case, and you both spoke over her.”

The three other diagnosticians turn to Tobias, and a tense silence hangs in the air. After a beat, Harper speaks up.

“I’m sorry Elle,” she says, sincerely. “That was out of line, please continue.”

Tobias turns to Ethan expectantly, who meets Elle’s eye.

Something flickers across his face for a moment, a mixture of shame, guilt, embarrassment, perhaps? It’s a look that Elle can’t quite place. Then, his eyes skim to Tobias and he coughs awkwardly.

“Yes…thank you Tobias. We did speak over you, Elle, I apologise. What were you saying?”

“I was asking if he had a 15-Lead ECG.”

“Not yet,” Harper replies.

“Then until he has one, I don’t think you can consider Brugada syndrome,” says Elle. “We’d need to do an ajmaline challenge too. I can see from the echocardiogram reports in here that he has a structurally normal heart, so we can definitely exclude congenital heart disease as the cause. But for me personally,” she gestures to the file, “there’s a lot missing in here. About what actually happened.”

“How do you mean?” Ethan asks.

“About the context of the cardiac arrest. All we know is that he was at school, but what was he doing? Was he doing anything strenuous, did it happen at rest? There’s a lot more I’d like to know.”

The rest of the team nod thoughtfully.

“I agree…if it happened during exertion, there’s a few other things we could rule out,” says Tobias.

“Exactly,” says Elle. “I think we should consider catecholaminergic polymorphic ventricular tachycardia.”

“You’re thinking CPVT?” asks Ethan, interested. “It’s a possibility.”

“Yes, and it’s one I’d like to investigate more by visiting the school, and finding out more about what happened” says Elle.

“I think that’s a good idea,” Harper responds, twirling her fountain pen between her fingers. “But unfortunately, I won’t be able to join you on your expedition. Like Tobias said, I’ve got a full day in the OR.”

The rest of the team turn to Ethan, who hesitates.

“I…have a meeting with Naveen and the board until lunch,” he says. “Which-”

“-means it’s just you and me, Valentine!” exclaims Tobias, clapping his hands together. “Oh boy, I’ve been looking forward to my first house call with the diagnostics team. We’re going to be on some scooby doo shit, Elle!”

“I beg your pardon?” says Ethan, scowling. Elle can’t help but burst out laughing.

“That settles it then, me and Elle will go to the school,” says Tobias, standing up from his chair. At the same time, Harper gets a page that her surgery is starting and bids them a hurried farewell.

“I was going to say, which means the three of us can go this afternoon once I’m finished,” Ethan says stiffly, as Harper heads out. Tobias shoots him a bemused look.

“I’d rather not wait,” says Elle flatly.

Ethan has wasted enough time in their meetings by bringing up pointless anecdotes with Harper, and she’s very keen to revert her focus to the patients, to diagnostics- the things she loves.

“Me and Valentine will be just fine, E. After all, I’m sure what happened with Jake is still pretty raw to the kids and staff, we’ll need to handle it delicately. Two’s company, three’s a crowd, right?” Tobias flashes Elle a smile.

The same look as before flashes across Ethan’s face, although this time, Elle thinks, it has less of the awkwardness and embarrassment and more of the…something else. His bright blue eyes seem to narrow a fraction, as he looks between Tobias and the woman of his affections.

“Alright,” he sighs finally. “We’ll reconvene when you’re back.”

“Let’s get this show on the road!” says Tobias happily. “To the mystery machine!”

He crosses the room to retrieve his car keys from his bag, while Ethan turns to Elle, and this time, the look of concern is undeniable.

“If you need anything,” he closes some of the distance between them and lowers his voice just a little, “just call me.”

“I think we can handle it,” says Elle, not unkindly. “Enjoy your meeting. And tell Naveen I said hello.”

And with that, she and Tobias leave the office.

********

A short while later, Elle and Tobias are riding in his blue Mercedes S-Class on the way to Jake’s school, a short drive away in South Quincy.

“Not exactly the mystery machine, huh?” says Elle, glancing around at the plush interior.

Tobias shrugs.

“The same colour, at least.”

Boston blurs by as Tobias pulls into a main road, and Elle turns to look at him. His side profile is unmistakably handsome. He drives one handed, the other resting on his thigh.

“So, how’s June?”

He gives a wry half smile, and glances at her.

“Is that your way of asking if we’re still sleeping together?”

“No!” says Elle, honestly. “I’m just wondering how she’s fitting in at Mass Ken. I mean, she left Edenbrook when she thought the ship was going to sink. I got the impression she was pretty keen to be working on your team, now I can’t help but think now you’ve come here, Aurora too…don’t you think she’s been left kinda high and dry?”

“In all honesty, I haven’t seen her for a while, and don’t expect to again anytime soon,” Tobias admits. “But trust me, Hirata will be just fine. She’s head of the team there now.”

Elle raises her eyebrows, impressed.

“I’d say she moves fast, but actually, that doesn’t surprise me in the slightest.”

“She was pissed as hell when I said I was leaving, don’t get me wrong,” says Tobias. “But she’s the strongest diagnostician on that team, and the strongest player too.”

“Player?”

“She knows how to play the game. She’ll have no trouble asserting herself as the new leader, running the show the way she wants to.”

Elle thinks back to her time working with June. The way she changed her personality to gain patients’ trust…and Elle’s. Distant anger simmers at the back of her mind, as she remembers how June stole her employee file.

“I agree…office politics was always child’s play for June.”

“Speaking of,” says Tobias as they stop at a red light. He turns to look at her. “The meeting this morning seemed very…uh…political.”

Elle pauses as feels the uncomfortable tingling rise in her chest. She could ask “what are you talking about?”, but she knows exactly what he’s talking about. And there’s something about Carrick that makes her want to cut the crap, to be upfront. So she is.

“You mean Harper and Ethan…”

“Yeah, that. Whatever the hell that was.”

Elle is silent.

“Does that…happen a lot?”

“More often than I’d like.”

“Well, good job I’m here then,” he grins.

Elle’s head whips around.

“Excuse me?”

“C’mon, you can’t tell me you didn’t appreciate the out.”

She rounds on him.

“Ok, let’s make one thing clear, I don’t need you to fight my battles” says Elle angrily. “Since Harper joined, every time the two of them have gone off track, I’ve steered them back on. I’m here for the patient, to solve the case, and nothing is going to detract my focus from that. That’s the way it’s going to stay, with or without your “outs”, Tobias.”

Tobias chuckles.

“You’re feisty Elle, I like it.” His eyes sweep over her from head to toe, which makes Elle feel more angry, but also, inexplicably, makes her stomach flutter a little.

“What I mean is,” Tobias speaks more seriously; sensing her anger, but mercifully oblivious to the other sensation, “I hope you know you’ve got someone else in your corner Elle. I know how much you care about your patients, and I know Bloom’s going to make life for the team difficult, and try and undermine our every move. That’s not helped when it feels like you’re not listened to by the actual people in it. You’re an excellent doctor Elle, and I value your input. The others should too.”

Elle is dumbstruck. She still doesn’t know what to make of Tobias Carrick; she had picked up pieces and hints from the scattered stories she’d heard from Ethan, most recently in their walk through the rose garden. But while considering the perspective and feelings of the man she so deeply cares for, she acknowledges it is biased. Elle knows that she has good reason to be wary of Tobias; it was not just Ethan he had toyed with, after all- Aurora had been burned by him too.

But, Tobias had helped to save her life. And the genuine smile that he gave her through the contamination screens of that cursed room, on the worst day of her life, had always stayed with her.

So, with a pinch of salt ready between her fingers, Elle decided from the moment he joined the team, that she would form her own opinion of him.

It occurs to her then, just how much Ethan sees the world in black and white. But Tobias Carrick is very much a shade of grey.

Before she can respond to him, the GPS on Tobias’ dash declares that they are arriving at their destination, and sure enough, Elle sees the school up ahead on the right.

“Here we are,” murmurs Tobias as he pulls in through the school gates. “Looks like we’re expected.”

They park up and head over to the school steps, surrounded by blossom trees, where a middle aged woman offers them a watery smile and extends a hand.

“Ah, hello…the doctors from Edenbrook, I presume?” she asks. “I’m Helena Brady, the principal of Greenview High.”

“Yes, we spoke earlier on the phone,” says Elle. “I’m Dr Eleanor Valentine, and this is Dr Tobias Carrick. We’re here to speak to the people that were with Jake when he collapsed?”

“I’m afraid it’s just the one person,” says Helena gravely, leading them through the school. “His friend Charlie was the only one who saw it, and then ran for help. How is Jake doing?”

“He’s still in a coma, but stable,” says Tobias. “The most important thing for us to help him, is find out from Charlie some more about the collapse, and go from there.”

Helena nods, as they come to a stop outside a small office.

“We’ve all been praying for him, it’s so tragically sad…nothing like this has ever happened to a student before,” she sniffs stoically. “Thank you for your work doctors, but please, be gentle with the boy. He’s still very shaken.”

Elle smiles at her reassuringly.

“We will be, don’t worry.”

As Tobias and Elle knock and enter the room, the boy springs to his feet, eyes wild.

“You’re the doctors…how’s Jake, is he-oh god is he-is he dead?” he cries.

“No, Jake is ok. He’s been through a lot, but he’s recovering,” says Elle gently. Charlie sinks back into his chair, though his knees are still quaking.

“It’s Charlie right?” Tobias asks, pulling up a chair. “I’m Tobias and this is Elle. We’re Jake’s doctors. Do you know why we’re here today?”

“Y-yes, that’s me,” Charlie sniffs. “Principal Brady said you were here to talk to me about Jake…I was so scared, I thought, I thought that meant he had died.”

Elle kneels in front of him, laying a gentle hand on his knee.

“I’m really sorry that us coming made you think that, Charlie,” she says. “It must have been really tough watching Jake collapse like that, I’m not surprised you’re thinking the worst. But we think we can help Jake get better, we just need your help.”

Some of the tension seems to leave Charlie’s body upon hearing this; his shudders subside. He pulls anxiously at the strings of his hoodie, unruly teenage bangs falling over his forehead.

“So, Charlie,” Tobias asks as Elle pulls up a chair beside him, “do you think you could tell us a bit more about what Jake was doing when you saw him collapse? Had he been running, exercising, working out?”

“No,” Charlie says quietly. “He wasn’t doing anything like that.”

“That’s really helpful Charlie, thank you,” says Elle. “Can you tell us if he standing up or sitting down? Did he lose his balance or seem dizzy? Did he complain of feeling ill, or funny in any sort of way before it happened?”

Charlie stiffens.

“No. He was-we were-we were arguing.”

Tobias and Elle exchange a quick look.

“Is Jake your friend, Charlie?” Tobias asks.

“No! No he’s not, and I’m so sick of pretending he is!” Charlie shouts. “Jake’s my boyfriend!” Tears begin to roll down his cheeks.

“Oh Charlie, I’m so sorry,” says Elle. “You said you were pretending…does anyone else know that?”

Charlie shakes his head.

“No. That’s what we were arguing about,” he accepts a tissue that Elle offers, blowing his nose.

“Take your time, Charlie,” says Tobias, leaning back in his chair and folding his arms. “It’s ok.”

After a few deep breaths, Charlie steels himself.

“We’ve been dating for three years, kind of in secret, kind of not,” he explains. “My parents know I’m gay, and they’re fine with it. They’ve met Jake before and they love him, they know we’re together. But he’s not even out to his parents, they just think we’re friends.”

He sniffs.

“Now we’re in senior year, we’re both looking at colleges, and we want to go to different ones. We’d be living five hours apart. I don’t know if we can make the long-distance work, especially if his parents don’t know about us. In the times we’d both be back home, they wouldn’t understand why he’d want to spend a lot of that time with me. But the one thing I just really, really wanted, was for us to go to senior prom together. As a couple, you know? To just dress up together, get photos together, dance together, one last time before we leave.”

“And Jake…wasn’t on board with that?” asks Elle.

“He was,” says Charlie. “He said he really wanted to. He just…wasn’t on board with the part of that which meant he’d have to come out to his parents.”

“I see,” says Tobias.

Charlie’s eyes begin to fill with tears again.

“I was saying, before he collapsed, that he didn’t love me,” he cries. “That he must not love me if he’s not prepared to come out. He was getting so upset, begging me, telling me of course he loved me, he was just scared, and then-” he sobs. “Then he was on the floor.”

Elle kneels beside him again, taking both his hands in her own.

“I’ve been googling stuff that could have caused it,” Charlie sniffles. “I saw there’s this condition, some long one beginning with, a C, I think, that means people’s hearts can give out when they’re stressed.”

Tobias raises an eyebrow, somewhat impressed at the boy’s diagnostic skills.

“What if-what if I could’ve killed him, because of the argument? And I told him he must not love me, I didn’t even mean it, I know how hard it is to come out, I didn’t mean to-” he buries his head in his hands.

“Charlie- Charlie listen to me,” says Elle. “It’s true, that we think Jake might have a condition called CPVT. It means that certain situations, like exercise, or stress, can cause the heart to go into an abnormal rhythm. But that does not mean, whatsoever, that any of this is your fault. We all say things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment, when we’re angry. If Jake does have this condition, and we’ll have to run a couple more tests to know that for sure, then it means that we can treat it, and stop it from happening again. It could have happened to him at anytime, anywhere, but he was lucky enough to be with you. You’ve helped him have a lucky escape.”

“R-really?” asks Charlie.

“Really,” says Tobias, who is on his feet. He lays a hand on Charlie’s shoulder.  “Your principal was telling us earlier that you did CPR on Jake while you got others to run for help?”

“Yes,” Charlie mutters, looking up at Tobias.

“Well Charlie, I think you saved his life.”

Charlie’s eyes gleam with hope.

“What are you applying for at college?” Tobias asks.

“Um..cardiac nursing,” he says.

“Very fitting. You’ll always be welcome at Edenbrook for some work experience.” Tobias smiles, genuinely. It’s the same smile Elle remembers from after the attack.

“Do you think, then, that he’ll be ok?” Charlie asks tentatively.

“Yes, I do,” smiles Elle. “And I think that you and Jake will be ok too.”

****************

Some time later, Elle steps out of the school. After speaking at length with the school counsellor, she had made sure that Charlie had some extensive therapy sessions in place. Tobias is waiting for her at the foot of the steps, beneath the blossom trees, and she is surprised to see he has a cigarette in hand.

“You smoke?” she raises an eyebrow at him as she approaches. “I thought you’d know better, Tobias.”

He takes a drag.

“Vices, Valentine,” he quips. “We all have them.”

Elle vaguely remembers Ethan had once said the same thing about butter.

“Carcinogens, though. Really?”

Tobias chuckles.

“I’m dirty, what can I say?”

He dutifully puts out the cigarette, as Elle gives him a reproachful look, and turns to her.

“You were good in there, with him,” says Tobias.

“Thanks…so were you.”

“We make a good team,” he smiles, and his expression softens a little. “That was kinda heavy though. You bearing up ok?” he asks.

Elle nods.

“I’m fine. I just hope Charlie will be ok, I really want to make sure he starts therapy as soon as possible.  I know how much of a difference it made for me, after the attack.”

She trails off, and Tobias seems to sense the darkness clouding over her eyes. The mild September breeze sifts through the blossom trees above them with a gentle sigh.

“I don’t think I ever actually said this to you,” says Elle quietly, “but thank you. For helping to save me and Raf, that day.”

“No thanks needed,” he responds. “I wanted to do everything I could to help.”

He pauses only briefly before continuing.

“You know, out of everything that happened that day, all the work we did in the lab trying to find an antidote…the one thing I remember most is how Ethan was in that room. In all the years I’ve known him, I’ve never seen him like that before. About anyone, or anything.”

A sudden chill trickles down her neck, goosebumps erupt on her forearms; a million tiny foothills.

Since their conversation in the car after Danny and Bobby’s funeral, Ethan had never really spoken in depth about his own feelings during the attack. Sometimes, in early hours when they laid in bed together, with the rain hammering against his window, she would mention it.

And every time, she would see his eyes darken with so many unsaid words. He would fix his gaze desperately on her like she was evaporating steam, set to vanish from existence in a matter of moments. His hold on her waist would tighten, fingertips tracing her soft skin as if to remind himself she wasn’t a ghost.

There had been whispers in his bed in the stillness of the night, when they were both half asleep. He had uttered sleepy confessions and declarations to her; some so heartfelt and moving, she still questioned whether they were real or if she had dreamt them.

More often straight after the attack, but still now sometimes, she would wake in his arms to find him already looking at her, his eyes filled with wonder, pain, and something else that she was starting to place.

‘Why are you awake?’ she would gently murmur.

‘I couldn’t sleep. I-had a nightmare.’

She would press herself closer to his chest, feel his strong arms encircling her as he pressed a kiss to her forehead.

‘I’m here, Ethan.’

‘I know. I’m…so glad you are.’

She is jolted to the present with Tobias’ voice.

“Even if he didn’t show it this morning…Ethan’s got it bad for you, you know.”

Elle cranes her neck to look up at him- at the man who shares so much history with Ethan. He’s almost as tall as her lover, but slightly less built, shoulders not quite as broad. Alike in many ways, but different in so many others.

“Why are you here, Tobias?” she asks, without breaking eye contact. “You had it all at Mass Kenmore. You’re an excellent diagnostician, you could have gone anywhere. Why, of all people, would you want to come and work for Ethan, someone you have such a complicated past with?”

Tobias’ hazel eyes, a contrast to Ethan’s azure blue’s, look into hers deeply. She knows that there’s something hiding beneath their golden depths; either earnestness, an ulterior motive, or perhaps something more complicated- a mixture of both.

He takes a step towards her, raising his hand towards her face. Her breath hitches, then climaxes in a soft exhale, when he simply removes a lone blossom petal that has settled on the lapel of her white coat. She wonders what exactly she had been expecting him to do.

Tobias twists his tongue between his teeth, a half-smile playing on his lips. Once again, his eyes roam over her from head to toe. This close, Elle can smell his cologne. It’s good; notes of leather and pine and exotism drift to her olfactory nerve. It’s a contrast to her favourite aftershave of Ethan’s, which smelled like bergamot, cedar, and home.

Tobias drops the petal to the floor, his eyes never leaving hers.

“I’m here Elle,” he murmurs, “because I want to push boundaries.”

********************

Ethan leans against his desk, fingertips drumming impatiently. His meeting had been finished for a while now, but he was still waiting for Elle and Tobias to return.

His old rival’s keenness to go on an outreach call with Elle had stirred something within him. Something in his head had switched on. A distant alarm bell that had been silent for some time, had started to ring.

Lost in thought, he mulls over the events of the morning.

He’d done it again.

He, and Harper, had spoken over Elle when she was trying to talk about the patient. Not only that, he recognises now, but before Tobias had entered the room, the two of them had been reminiscing about something that didn’t involve Elle in the slightest.

He doesn’t know why he keeps slipping up. He harbours no romantic feelings for Harper whatsoever, but he’s been enjoying the chance to work more closely with her, the friendly conversations, to share stories and experiences.

But they haven’t just been work related, he thinks. Did I really need to bring up the flamenco lessons? Or Gaston’s? He recalls the look on her face when he’d told Elle he planned to take her there because of its intimacy, immediately after discussing it with Harper. Before Elle’s forced smile and her gracious reply of “I’d like that,” he’d always thought he had caught a flicker of dismay, of hurt, on her features.

Now he’s certain it was more than a flicker.

I don’t deserve her, he thought.

With a swoosh, the doors of the diagnostics office open. He sees the familiar head of immaculately coiffed blonde locks, and as his eyes travel down to Elle’s beautiful face, his heart soars, and he can’t help but break into a wide smile.

“Elle!” he says happily, pushing himself up of the desk.

I missed you, he foolishly finds himself wanting to say, despite the fact that like most days at work, it’s only been a few hours since he’s seen her. But as his eyes travel to Tobias following her in, he keeps the admission to himself.

“We have an answer,” says Elle triumphantly. “We’ve listed Jake for an ICD insertion tomorrow morning.”

“It was CPVT?” Ethan asks.

“Yep,” says Tobias. “Elle’s hunch was right. Turns out it was an argument with his boyfriend that brought on the cardiac arrest. We ran a test for CPVT as soon as we got back, while you were still in the meeting, and it’s positive.”

Elle smiles brightly.

“Jake’s going to be okay.”

Ethan beams. He’s exceptionally proud of her.

“Excellent work Elle,” he leans forward to squeeze her arm, as bold a gesture as he dares while they have company. “And thanks Tobias, for helping out.”

“The pleasure’s all mine,” says Tobias. He looks pointedly at Elle, then adds, “believe me.”

An unpleasant sensation coils in the pit of Ethan’s stomach. He tries to push it down.

As Tobias crosses the room to take a phone call, he steps closer to Elle, lowering his voice.

“Listen Elle, about earlier. I’m sorry,” he says sincerely, tentatively taking her hand in his own. He caresses her tiny fingers with his thumb. “It’s unacceptable for me to talk over you in meetings, and I…know that this isn’t the first time it’s happened, and that there are, uh, other things. I’m sorry if my actions have ever made you feel excluded.”

Elle’s bright green eyes look into his thoughtfully, though she says nothing; silently willing him to continue.

“I’d like to make it up to you. I think a date night between us is long overdue. Can I take you for dinner tonight?” he asks. A flash of hope, along with the tinge of dismay he remembers from before, travels across her face. “Not Gaston’s,” he adds quickly. “I want to find somewhere new with you. For us.”

Her face floods with warmth, eyes gazing into his searchingly. He desperately scans her beautiful face, seeking some inkling of her true feelings; the ones he knows she’s bottling up.

“You’re right, it is long overdue,” she says finally, her gaze steady. “And I’d really like that, to find somewhere new to go to dinner with you. But I can’t do tonight.”

His heart sinks a little, and as if sensing this, like she always seems to, she squeezes his hand reassuringly.

“I’m out for drinks with Si, Aurora and Jackie tonight. But we’ll go soon.”

She offers him a soft smile, which he returns.

It doesn’t quite quell the slight but unmistakable feeling of anxiety in his stomach. It’s guilt, it’s the gnawing thought that he will never be good enough for her, the idea that he’s taken her for granted.

Worst of all, there is the completely irrational, but terrible notion that he could lose her.

And somehow, the thought that he could lose her in living rather than in death, as he had once feared, is almost more terrible.

She gently lets go of his hand. On the other side of the room, Tobias hangs up the phone.

“I’m going to go and speak to Jake’s parents,” says Elle, slipping off and readjusting her white coat.

Ethan’s eyes travel over her form-fitting pencil skirt, clinging to her delicate body in all the right places.

He doesn’t miss the way Tobias’ do the same. Then, as if knowing he’s being watched, he looks up at Ethan. His eyes narrow, and the corners of his lips twitch.

Ethan wants nothing more than to sock him in the jaw.

“We’ll check in later, once Harper’s finished surgery?” she asks, breaking the two men out of their reverie.

Ethan nods, and Elle bids them goodbye. The click of her heels on the linoleum echoes into the tense silence. Then, he can’t hold it in any longer.

“Could you be,” Ethan begins through gritted teeth, “a little more fucking subtle, Carrick?”

Tobias chuckles.

“I can’t help it, Ethan, and clearly neither can you. A woman like that, body like that…we’re just as powerless as any other red-blooded male.”

Ethan curls his fists in the pockets of his coat.

“Don’t talk about Elle like that. I won’t have you disrespecting her in that way,” he spits, taking a step towards him.

“You want to talk about disrespecting her?” counters Tobias, unflinching. “Because I think taking a stroll down memory lane with your ex, every five minutes, is pretty disrespectful to the woman you’re currently fucking.”

Ethan is stunned. Had she told Tobias that it had happened before? Did she tell him they were seeing eachother, or had Tobias clocked it himself? What exactly had they talked about while they were away?

“Elle is- she’s off limits,” he snaps, the only response his seething mind is able to come up with.

Tobias smiles, satisfied at seeing the other man riled up. Then, infuriatingly, he turns away.

“Who decided that, Ethan?” he says quietly over his shoulder “Her or you?”

And with that, Tobias turns and leaves.

*******

Author’s Note: Thanks for reading this far! I wanted to explore the dynamic between Elle and Tobias, and the way I wrote him in this fic reflects my own thoughts about him; I think he’s a good guy, as demonstrated by him helping to save her life and his thoughtfulness, but I’m definitely suspicious of his ulterior motives and his past actions. I also wanted the sexual tension between Ethan, Elle and Tobias, and was hoping that PB would make Tobias call out Ethan shutting her out of meetings. They didn’t deliver so I did it myself lol Also wanted Ethan to start feeling insecure about the way he’s been treating Elle since his behaviour has been trash thanks to the OOC writing, but I still love him

[not-xpr-art]

Art Advice #3 - Drawing tips!

Hi everyone!

As you may know, every week or so I’m writing blog posts with art advice hints and tips for artists of any skill level in the hopes of helping some people out a bit! The tag is here so feel free to check out some of my other posts!

This week’s post is going to be some drawing tips I’ve picked up over the years that could hopefully be useful for beginner artists! 

(this is about 1800 words altogether btw)

Drawings tips!

I’m going to split this post up into little sections which will hopefully make it easier for you to scroll to find certain advice you’re particularly interested in!

Part 1 - How to get started?

I’m a firm believer that anyone can be an artist, regardless of what materials or equipment they have. So when it comes to my advice on what kind of materials I recommend for beginner artists, I’d mainly say ‘whatever you have’. 

But if that’s a bit vague, I’d essentially recommend you have a set of pencils which you can usually get relatively inexpensive online or in craft/art shops which range from 6B all the way to 6H (’B’ being for softer, darker pencils, often good for shading, and ‘H’ for the harder pencil leads which are best for much lighter shading or if you want a really faint sketch. Something important to note about ‘H’ pencils is not to press too hard with them since they’re a lot more likely to leave indents in the paper than ‘B’ pencils! For general sketching I personally use 2B or 3B pencils since they have the perfect balance of soft & hardness in my opinion!) 

Of course, you can just draw with whatever pens or pencils you already have, so definitely don’t feel you have to go out of your way to buy something new or expensive just because your favourite artists use a particular brand of pencil or pen... Of course, often higher quality pens or pencils (especially colouring pencils) will have better pigment payoff than the cheaper alternatives, but as someone who’s been using the same WHSmith pencils they got when they were a child, I definitely think that as long as you have something to draw with, you’re all set to produce masterpieces of your own!

A lot of my art education got us using charcoal for a lot of our drawing practise. It’s not a medium I’m particularly fond of personally, but it is a great way to practise being a lot quicker and expressive with drawing, so definitely if you’re up for the challenge you can try some charcoal stuff! Only piece of advice is that I wouldn’t really recommend those ‘charcoal pencils’ you can buy in some shops, since they mostly just break apart every time you try and sharpen them... Regular charcoal is messy, though, and smudges very easily, so if you are interested in using it I’d say to do a little bit of research before hand! 

(Or feel free to send me an ask if you want any further advice on using it!)

If you’re wanting to get into digital art, I’m planning on making a post discussing my tips for beginners to digital so... keep an eye out for that in the near future lol!

~

Part 2 - Getting over ‘Drawing Anxiety’

Drawing can be a daunting thing, particularly when artists who are already pretty good at it can seemingly produce a perfectly proportioned face out of thin air. But these artists weren’t magically born with this skill, of course, so with practise and some perseverance, I can assure you that you’ll be at that stage one day!

So my first piece of advice here is to be patient with yourself. Don’t expect yourself to be perfect straight away. 

Second piece of advice is to sketch constantly!! I notice a lot of people who haven’t been drawing long are really careful about how they draw, almost like they’re afraid to be rough with the pencil. So I’d really recommend just starting to sketch a lot: be rough, be messy, draw things you can see and things from your imagination! 

Observational drawing is another thing I think is crucial in improving your drawing skills (and I’ll go into more detail with this in a bit), but honestly just sketching things you like is such a great way to help you grow as an artist! And yes this includes drawing anime fanart or drawings of your original characters! 

Below is some comparisons of my attempts at drawing Freema Agyeman from 2013 to 2019... Is the latest version of this perfect? Of course not. But I just want to show what constant practise can achieve!

~

Part 3 - Observational drawing

I honestly think that observational drawing was one of the most important things I learnt in my years of art education. 

Observational drawing can take on many meanings. Perhaps it’s drawing a still life of a fruit bowl, or a life drawing class with a naked dude in front of you, or even drawing from a photo. The point of observational drawing is to improve how you translate the world around you onto a 2D surface, essentially. 

And you don’t need anything fancy to do observational drawing either! Just placing an array of things in front of you and trying to sketch them (try and focus on a mix of textures and surfaces for the objects. So, for example, including a cup along side a woolly hat will help you get a handle on how to create texture with your drawing, and drawing anything with a reflective surface like cutlery is both challenging and interesting to do! Basically just use what you have around you!)

If you’re lucky (or unlucky, depending on how fond you are of seeing naked people lol) enough to have the chance to do life drawing, I would honestly recommend it! Often the final results aren’t great, but it’s a really good way of practising your observational skills! And even if you don’t have the opportunity, just trying to sketch a friend or family member from across a room, for example, is something that can really help you improve! 

Top tip: a teacher once told me that when you’re drawing something like a face, for example, a way to improve how you draw is to see the face not as a ‘face’, but instead as a collections of shapes. Because our brains have a preconceived idea of what a face looks like that we end up drawing what we think we can see rather than what we can actually see! 

There’s a lot of art snobs who believe that drawing from reference images is ‘cheating’ in comparison to life drawing, Of course, this is bs, and I’d say I’ve learnt just as much from using reference photos for the basis of my art as I have from drawing from ‘real life’. For more information about my thoughts on references and how to use them, see This post!

~

Part 4 - Drawing from references: Tracing, Grids and Freehand (which is best?)

Tracing in the world of art is a ... Contentious subject to say the least. And I’m not really interested in getting into the ‘moral’ implications of whether it is ‘cheating’ or not.

Instead I want to focus on the pros of using something like tracing when you’re starting out. I think particularly if you’re trying to improve how you shade things, colour things or how to get better at blending, then I do think that tracing can be a useful tool! Even I used tracing in the very start of my delve into digital art, but soon found that tracing wasn’t really something that was helping me in the long run so moved onto freehand stuff. 

Overall, I think tracing is good as a starting point when you’re still learning about art, and also if you’re not too comfortable with your freehand drawing skills yet. I’d also recommend you mention if you have traced a piece if you share art to social media. Of course, no one is obligated to do this though! 

This is an example of an artwork that I traced (it’s from 2013, hence why it looks... like That lol)

But if you’re someone who perhaps has used tracing in the past and found it doesn’t really work for you, or if you don’t want to start with tracing at all, then a good ‘next step’ I’ve seen other artists get into is using grids. 

Now I have to admit, I’m not the best person to talk about grids since I’ve actually never used them lol... But I know a lot of artists who do, particularly people who do a lot of traditional work, since it makes it a lot easier to translate the reference image to your piece of paper or canvas. 

And in a way I would recommend grids more for people starting out in drawing than tracing, and this is mainly due to the fact grids force you to use a lot more observational drawing skills than tracing! If you’re interested in getting into using grids I’d recommend doing a bit of research yourself! 

The final technique of drawing from references I want to talk about is freehand! Now this is the one I’ve been doing for the majority of my art ‘career’ and honestly is probably the most ‘difficult’ to do of the three techniques. 

But I find freehand drawing particularly rewarding with the ways it can make you reimagine an artwork in ways you never intended! Like what I mentioned in my Reference advice post, I have found that making ‘mistakes’ in freehand drawing can actually lead to more interesting and unique works of art than tracing or grid work could ever do! 

I also think that freehand allows you to create your own characters or concepts in a much more free way. For example, my Spirit of Somerset piece was something I created from a variety of references (I seem to remember I used Isak from SKAM’s mouth as a basis for the girls’ mouth?) and the dragon was based on a real mishmash of references, which is something that I I feel I couldn’t have done if I’d have been using grids or tracing!

With this I’m not trying to say that freehand is the ‘best’ way of drawing, it is just the one that I personally have found to fit me the best, which is the entire point of this post! All of my advice is just pointers I think could be useful for new artists, it is up to you to find which ‘path’ in art suits you best!

And of course, I’ve phrased these techniques as separate purely for the sake of explaining them easier, but the fact of the matter is that you can use a combination of these in your art if you wish! 

If you struggle with drawing the outlines of hands, perhaps use tracing as a way to get a handle of the shape and then maybe use freehand to fill in the colour of them! Use a grid to draw a tree but freehand the leaves and bench below it! 

Remember that your art is your art, and no one can tell you how to draw things! 

~

I think I’ll leave this here for now! But I may do a part two at some point in the future! & my ask box is always open for anyone who wants any specific advice!

I really hope you found this at least moderately helpful, and a massive thank you to everyone for the constant support of these posts and my art!

[pigeonfancier]

I’ve managed to chill the fuck out over the last few days, in part helped by the fact that my father got offered a lay-off and took it, and my sister is now working form home. My brother is still working at the grocery stores, but I don’t really concern myself with his comings and goings - he’s a fountain of bad decisions in terms of health overall, and I don’t have the inclination nor the energy to.. care, to be honest.

Hopefully this wraps soon! If it doesn’t, then we’ll carry on through it until it does, and isn’t that what matters? The air force people were gossiping about the fact we were going to enforce a ‘shelter-at-home’ thing about 2-3 days before it actually occurred, which: I appreciate their gossipy, gossipy ways, because we know everything ahead of time.

Slightly less appreciative of the panic spike it caused, lol, but oh well. Everything is making people panic right now. Not much to do about that.

Lots of new projects! Lots of things going on in general, but none of them are particularly riveting. I’ve been pushing myself to produce more shit, while I’m trapped in what is effectively a downtime, and it’s been frustrating and miserable in parts, but that’s part of the process of learning, baby. It’s hard sometimes to sit down and acknowledge that your quality of work will not initially meet your standards! It’s also important, at least for me, to keep working until it does. So I’ll take pictures when I’ve hit that point, haha.

The first batch of seeds are planted, though! So I’m excited. Goal this year is to maintain a garden with sufficient rollover between crops that I can keep my household’s pantry and my sister’s full, and then have some excess to jar. I’m half-tempted to start growing some tomatoes indoors over the winters, too, just because it’s so easy..

Weird thing I keep butting up against: I largely don’t like nerd circles, as they occur on the internet, and I do not particularly like nerd culture on the whole. It’s both too consumeristic and both too desperate for acknowledgement in a way that grosses me out. If people aren’t scuffling to try to be known in a fandom, then they’re trying to get recognised by people who are, or else they’re trying to bite down other people who they perceive as having gained that.

This is brought on by the puzzling fact that - people regularly take my ideas. I don’t really mind: inspiration is a cycle that keeps communities, whether artistic or nerdy or what the fuck ever, flowing. If someone wants to look at something I do, and say, oh, I can do this better, and succeed, good for them - it’s just motive for me to do better. Competition is healthy, it is fun, and it improves everyone’s character. No real downside.

But man, people like to try to get aghast if they think I’ve taken their ideas! Brought on by the fact someone was complaining as to my stealing their shit, when the two of us have never spoken, I do not follow them on social media, I do not speak to anyone that associates with them - because they’re all batshit - and I have been publicly discussing this topic since July of last year, which I believe.. is possibly before they joined?

But see above wrt being batshit, I suppose. I’m a little mystified as to how I am apparently a source of gossip when I intentionally keep myself apart from fandom groups, but hey, take it as a compliment, right?

Or a reminder, haha. Every time I’m like “oh, I should interact with fandom spheres more! perhaps I will.. enjoy it? :)”, the monkey paw curls tighter, etc.

[valeriemperez]

Hey when you get a free moment would you mind making gifs of the scene where joe is teasing Barry about the tidal wave and Barry and Iris little exchange at the end I haven’t seen any gifs of that part

Here you go, dear!

The most annoying thing about yesterday's episode is that I had to wait 12 episodes to learn that Iris quit her job and the true effect it had on her from Barry leaving. Her actions made sense, I just wish they had laid the foundation by showing us leading up to this. I really hope this means we are getting more reporter Iris. I don't need much, her mentioning it at home... working on her article/blog at StarLabs... out and about investigating... it doesn't take much to incorporate that.

I agree that they would have been better off building to this story for Iris, but... Someone else was in charge the first half of the season, and that person clearly didn’t want to deal with her job.

Hi I have seen people who ask you questions call you Tati. I was just wondering why your username is Valeriemperez if your name is Tati or Tatiana? Just curious

My name is Tatiana. Valerie (Mota) Perez is Bart Allen’s girlfriend during his run as the Flash. 😊

To me, Ralph was like every fanboy and Iris hater last night. Shitting on Iris for not putting her life on the line and criticizing her again when she did. Le fucking sigh. 😒

He was, which is why I loved that the rest of the team lifted her up and pointed out how useless Ralph is versus how fearless Iris is.

Barry supporting his wife when she was a temporary Speedster had me melting. 😍 Iris getting to be a heroine as a meta was also lovely. 😍 The media attention she and CP was rewarding. 😍 (I was looking up some anime to watch and an article about Iris being a Speedster came up in the ads repeatedly). I love winning.

You and me both! Feeling blessed.

@eboniangelvibez said:

Tati I loved your Selfie for Candice 😍 #RunIrisRun was a great follow-up to 4x15. Iris/Candice got the love she so deserves. Her still being team leader has the Bring Back OTF antis whining themselves into a corner. #WeAreTheFlash. However, I think 4x21 will be Harry’s team leader transition. Similar to Iris’ in 1x21 when she helped the team take down Grodd. Sounds like S5 we’ll get her journalism back. Hopefully, it means Ace reporter IWA teaming up with her CSI husband/TF on cases. #Winning

Aww, thank you! Interesting thought about Harry being Team Leader. I feel like he’s... ill suited to that position, but perhaps he’ll improve. Either way, I would like to see Iris do journalism but not be isolated from the rest of the cast.

Random: but I was watching CP livestream with ET and I noticed like an influx of angry emoji's all at the same time when it was previously all hearts and likes. It's almost like it was planned or s/t and then all these negative reviews on IMDB b4 the ep even aired smh. Like... are anti's really out here organizing to spread hate??? So pathetic. I've heard of ppl (usually redditors) doing similar things when it comes to Felicity on @rrow.

The imdb BS was definitely planned. I’m not sure if the ET livestream was because the Flash facebook page promoted the interview, or if it was planned separately. But regardless, they are delusional and pathetic.

I was talking to someone else about this but I think superhero fatigue on the cw is becoming more of an issue. I know most shows and their ratings are going down but it seems like the quality of dctv is decreasing as well. The flash Imo is having it’s worse season yet and the other shows are doing bad too. I would be nervous if I were the producers and even actors idk

Interesting. I don’t necessarily agree about the quality as a whole, outside of Arrow which is nearly unwatchable to me. But hopefully they hire some great and diverse writers for next season.

So after all the threatening the fanboys and antis did "Run Iris Run" actually rose in viewership. It held the same demo as last week but while Flashtime got 2.02 million viewers Run Iris Run got 2.09 viewers. Not to mention we dominated on SM. End of the story is we gotta know that the haters aren't that large in numbers and don't hold as much power as they think they do.

Yup! Everything’s coming up Iris, lol. 

If you're looking for things to gif can you gif the moment Barry and Iris do a little flirting after Joe talks about Iris doing the tidal wave 🙏🙏🙏

Done!

Hey there! When you have time can you gif the moment where Iris and Barry got all flirty after Joe pointed out Barry's never done a tidal wave before? I thought that was a cute moment.

It was super cute and I have gifed it.

[xstrange-weatherx-blog]

survey 3

101 Thought Provoking Questions 1. Do you like who you are? yes, but there’s always room for improvement 2. What would people say about you at your funeral? depends if I have a funeral, they’re expensive. they’d probably say this shit is expensive. 3. What would you regret not doing in your life? being myself 4. What’s the wisest thing you have ever heard someone say? it Is what it is 5. What lessons in life did you learn to hard way? Many, and I still am!  I had to grow up fast because my mom passed when I was 21/22 6. How often do your biggest worries and fears come true? as often as I will them into being... 7. If you had one year left to live, what would you try to achieve? do everything ever with my husband we ever wanted to do ever! 8. Do you serve money or does money serve you? a bit of both 9. Are you afraid of being your true self around others? Why? trust, once someone has broken my trust it’s hard to open up and be me around others because who knows if they would break my trust as well. 10. What are you grateful for? John 11. Have you done anything you are proud of lately? working on my confidence and learning new skills 12. Have you made any recent acts of kindness? yes, I pick things up for my coworker when she drops them cos its hard for her to reach down etc. 13. If you knew that you would die tomorrow, what questions would you ask yourself? how many things can I fit into the next few hours w/John 14. If your biggest fears came true, would it matter in five years from now? no, it wouldn’t. 15. How would you describe yourself? down to earth, unless i’m going manic. 16. Do you take people’s advice? Sometimes! I can be gullible 17. Do you get quickly offended? sometimes yes, depends on where the snarky comments are coming from and if its worth being offended 18. Do you consider yourself to be a likable person? yes 19. ‘We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give’ – What does this mean to you? don’t take things or others for granted 20. Are you enriching the lives of others? I feel I am! 21. Are you living a meaningful life? yes, I like to be there for people. 22. What makes a meaningful life? one that’s spent enjoying yourself. 23. Would you ever give up your life to save another? yes. 24. How much would you be willing to sacrifice for people in poverty? enough to where they could get by and I could still get by myself. 25. If you could live one day over and over again, what would you choose to do? choose the day where I hugged john for the first time on my porch. 26. Do you think you are important and worthy of affection and love? I think everyone is. 27. What would make you feel more worthy? What do you believe needs to be different about you? just my confidence level, and assertiveness. 28. What brings you down the most often? my family. 29. Would you rather work less (and do the things you enjoy) and have less money? no, i’d rather work more, have more money and jam pack adventures in when I can to still do the things I enjoy! 30. Where do you find peace? anywhere with john 31. What is the most important quality you look for in another person? honesty. 32. What is your biggest dream in life? to live with john forever like two vampires. centuries and centuries. 33. What is your biggest fear? that i’ll die young. 34. How would the world be different if you had never been born? I think friends and family would be different because they never had the chance to know me, but the world would be the same. 35. What life lessons do you wish you knew 10 years ago? SO many I can’t list. 36. If you could tell your younger self one thing, what would it be? It gets better and clearer, and you’re not alone. 37. If your life was a movie, what would the title be? I know Bambi is already a movie, but I can’t think of a more fitting one. 38. If your life was a movie, would you enjoy watching it? yes, I love movies this way i’d be able to critique myself as well and fix things about myself. 39. What does success mean to you? Figuring things out, and excelling at what you do in all aspects. 40. If you could be a different person, who would you be? Katharine isabelle duh 41. What was the best day of your life? Why? meeting john, because he truly saved me and still saves me. 42. What do you look forward to most in life? each day. 43. What bad habits do you want to ditch? my diet, I have acid reflux and I need to start following the reflux diet and be healthy. 44. Who do you look up to and why? Katharine and the soskas because they achieve their goals and go at it with so much enthusiasm 45. Do you know your partners love language? yes I speak john fluently 46. Do the people you love most know how much you love them? yes I believe they do! 47. Are you satisfied with the depth of your relationships? definitely. I have my husband and a few close friends and that’s all I need. 48. What do you owe yourself? to take it easy on myself and not beat myself up so much mentally 49. Based on your current day-to-day life, what do you expect to achieve in 5 years from now? hopefully i’ll have two corgis with john, i’ll understand the hotel business better and maybe have a consistent hobby. 50. Do you say ‘yes’ too often when you really want to say ‘no’? Why? out of nervousness 51. What did you learn yesterday? that I need to take time to be outside in the fresh air. 52. What do you like about yourself? my ambition and creativity. 53. Would you consider yourself to be a generous person? yes sometimes. 54. Do you really listen when people talk to you? HAHA. I try my hardest but sometimes things just go over my head. 55. What is the number one change you need to make in your life this year? I need to exercise more consistently 56. How many hours per week do you spend on the internet? I don’t know 57. What are your most common negative thoughts? Are they logical? they’re not logical in the least, and i’m not even bringing them up. 58. Do you think it’s too late to do certain things in your life? Why? it’s not too late. 59. If you could be the most influential person in the world, what would you change? I would try to change peoples perspectives on life and death 60. How much time do you spend with your family and friends? a fair amount 61. Where do you want to be in 5 years from now? napping with my hubby and corgis 62. Is your life complicated by unnecessary things? yes, by racing thoughts and mania, sometimes my ocd. 63. How can you simplify your life and focus on the most important things to you? try to stay in the moment 64. What stresses you out? lots of little things. grocery stores being one. brightly lit, crowded packed in places drive me up the wall. 65. What makes life easier? John. 66. How often do you give without expecting anything in return? often enough to still feel respected. 67. What is your greatest challenge? listening and remembering 68. What is most important to you in life? Are you giving it the time it deserves? John is the most important in my life, and yes we make the time! 69. If you could send a message to the world, what would you say in 30 seconds? it is what it is 70. What do you most regret never telling someone? I don’t 71. When was the last time you tried something new? a few weeks ago I tried watercolor 72. Are you afraid to speak your own opinion? depends on who i’m talking to. 73. Do you give into others too often and feel resentful because of it? sometimes i do, i think that’s natural. 74. Are you holding onto something that you need to put behind you? always lol. 75. How often do you let your fears hold you back? i try my best not to, so not often. 76. Do the people in your life bring the best out of you? yes! 77. How often do you make excuses? i made a lot of them before i knew i was bipolar i would blame others for things or make excuses 78. What is one mistake that you will never do again? trust my family 79. Which is worse, failing or never giving it a shot?never giving it a shot 80. What has grown you the most as a person – your challenges and trials or the comfortable yet enjoyable moments in life? challenges and trials. 81. If you could choose to have no more challenges or obstacles in life, would you? no, because that would make things boring. 82. In one word, what is standing between you and your biggest goal? idk 83. How often do you go to bed feeling angry? not often 84. Would it be wrong to steal in order to feed a starving child? depends 85. If you paid more attention to the sad things in this world, would you feel more conflicted about it? yes, its hard to accept things like that. 86. If we learn from our failures, then why is it so bad to fail? it feels bad in the moment. 87. What could you pay more attention to in life? lots of things 88. Why do we think of others the most when they’re no longer around? possibly we take them for granted 89. What does it look like to make the most of your life? Happy 90. What have you given up on? connecting with my moms side of the family 91. How many people do you truly love and what are you doing for them? 92. Do you ask enough questions, or are you happy to settle for what you already know? a bit of both. 93. What were you doing when you last lost track of time? this survey 94. Do you think you would be happy if you never had to work again? no i like working because not working you’ll get bored eventually. 95. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? like 6. 96. If you could ask for one wish, what would it be? to just zap know everything i need to at my new job. 97. What inspires you in life? my husband, my friends 98. What can you not live without the most? ....water 99. What do you enjoy doing over and over again? watching movies 100. When did you last laugh so much it hurt? when i was tired and john was making me giggle. 101. What is stopping you from living the life you want to live? only myself

[thoughtcock]

What do I want to learn more?

(UGHGHGGHGHHUGHJGDJRFG3RBKYEGFUEIWILSUHZBSUD,HIUlqwhiuel I’m so fucking pissed I actually spent quality time listening to jazz music and properly reflecting on what are my learning goals for the future and my laptop suddenly decided to hang and now I lost my post.... God why can’t I just have a positive mindset without shit getting in my way. Ok rant over.....imma be positive and rewrite everything again BUT BETTER)

MY LEARNING GOALS FOR 2020, HERE IT IS:

1. Investing

I’ve been a good girl and have been barely shopping and buying new stuff unless they are necessary these days. And my internship/scholarship money has given me a decent amount of savings to start investing with. I learnt that its not good to simply rely on savings because inflation will decrease the worth of my money in the long run.

I’ve been researching on ETFs/Index funds and I’m looking to start with those as they are deemed to be the easiest with lower risk. Returns may be slow but hopefully in the years to come they will appreciate more. My financial goals right now is to create a small passive income flow and grow it overtime (maybe I should make a separate post on this to sort out my thoughts).

When I’m more experienced and have more capital, I’m planning to look into creating a dividend stock portfolio and plan to hold stocks for a long time. And benefit from payouts! Mostly thinking passive investments for now but we will see if I’m experienced enough to try active investments in the future? 

Can’t believe I’m finding finances interesting, am I starting to adult for reals?

2. Budgeting

I know I haven’t been spending much but I’ve been wasting unnecessary money on a lot of things recently (eg. voided air tickets because of corona and protests), and takeout is so damn expensive sometimes. That’s why its good for me to actually download an app that allows me to record my expenses and see what I’m exactly been spending on. Can’t believe I put this off for so long, and so far I’ve been pretty consistent in recording my expenses (mostly because the app also functions as a city building game so can be quite fun). I want to be more aware on where my money has been coming and going now, ESP NOW THAT I’M UNEMPLOYED LOL. Gotta make them savings last long you know?

3. Cooking

I haven’t made a proper meal myself for soooooo looooong (no the rice cooker doesn’t count), and I miss cooking in the kitchen so much. I’ve been inspired watching Chinese country influencers like Liziqi and Dianxi Xiaoge harvest and prepare so many wonderful recipes. Although I can’t physically grow any vegetables, it’s still fun to watch recipe videos and feel inspired to make food again. So many wonderful Chinese and western recipes to try, want to start meal prepping again perhaps (altho I have no containers now, so have to invest in some if I’m staying here long-term). Also, cooking and buying my own groceries is gonna SAVE SO MUCH MONEY.

4. Economics, business, finance, money stuff

It took me so long to start reading up on business news updates, but they are very necessary because everything boils down to money. I’ve been following lots of business focused podcasts, and self-enrolled in some online courses that I’ve been procrastinating to start on. So far I’ve been consistent with it, especially listening to podcasts while I am commuting, and sometimes reading news on social media helps.

5. Chinese (both canto and mando)

Ok finally something that doesn’t involve money, but this has been the hardest for me to keep up on mostly because this language is so damn complicated. I’ve been watching Cantonese youtube shows, watching and reading Chinese news whenever I don’t feel lazy to. But obviously if i’m gonna continue pursuing journalism here, I need to seriously start improving. Maybe I should get a Chinese exercise book with those giant boxes like for primary school kids and actually record new words. But traditional Chinese writing is such a bitch ugh. And all the google translate and dictionary check kills me.... not sure if there’s an effective way to improve on that sigh.

So yes, these are some of the things I have in mind, hopefully I can add more into it because I wanna be skilful and productive. Hopefully if I ever get a job in the future I still have time to continue learning about these :)