#hopefully my symptoms won't take a turn

[serasfanfiction]

Summary:

Lucifer goes to enlist Alastor's help with his plans. It goes about how he would expect it to go.

[velvetydream]

꒰ : 🍃 [ A fox's heat ] ”♡ᵎ꒱ˀˀ ↷ ⋯

Summary : Due to an unfortunate event your boyfriend started to act weird, you should soon know why.

Pairing : Tighnari x fem! Reader

Word count : 1.9K Words

Genre : Smut with plot

Smut content ➵ Breeding / Mating Kink, Possesiveness, Praising, Raw (Wrap it up people), Knotting, Petnames

Authors note : I love Nari sm omg

It was a quiet morning; Tighnari was out with Collei, and you decided to sleep long before getting ready slowly, eating a nice breakfast, and cleaning Tighnari's workplace before helping the forest ranger outside. The sun was shining down today, but luckily, the trees of the rainforest cast some nice shadows to be safe from the heat. Wiping the sweat from your forehead you talk calmly to a new forest ranger, assuring he wasn't going to die from the fruit he ate. The poor boy came from Mondstadt and never saw the fruits or vegetables from Sumeru, probably.

"Master Y/N! We need your help!" Colleis's shrill voice screamed for you; immediately turned around to catch the young girl running to you, your warm hands on her shoulders. "Collei? What happened? Calm down, darling, and explain." It was strange that Tighnari wasn't with her, so something must've happened, you just hope that stupid man didn't decide to eat some unknown mushrooms again. "Master T-Tighnari he.. We found this flower patch we had never seen before. He picked some up and started to inspect them, and then he fell unconscious! Cyno is with him now, but..! I don't know what happened." She was rambling again; she always was when something happened to her friends or anyone, actually. "Okay, my love, calm down, lead the way, and we'll bring him back here; you two, come along!" Calling over two more forest rangers, Collei quickly started to lead the way; it was a short walk, but luckily, not too far away.

Upon arriving, you could see the fox-eared man sit up, arm on his knee as his hand holds his head. "Nari! What happened? How are you feeling?" Crouching down in front of the man now, you could see the blush on his face; oh no, was he getting a fever from those flowers? Maybe an allergic reaction. "He sat up shortly before you came, he hasn't spoken a single word since then." Cyno stood behind you now, explaining the situation to you and making you nod. "Okay, let's bring him back. Cyno, could you help carry him, please? I think he starts to have a fever, probably some reaction to the flowers; I'll have to make some medicine to hopefully wear the effects off." Cyno nods as he picks Tighnari up, the arms of your boyfriend around Cyno and the other forest ranger now. Still not talking, his eyes in a haze, this was definitely bad.

Looking down as they get a few steps away, you crouch down to touch the flowers despite Collei's protest, but they have no effect on you; they smell rather pleasantly. "Are you sure it's a good idea to touch and smell them?!" Collei was obviously worried about you, which made you chuckle, shaking your head. "It's fine, I'm pretty sure they won't affect normal humans but Tighnari.. it must be because of his fox genes.. Let's take some with us, but please you take them, I want to inspect them some more without exposing Nari further to them." Collie nods as you quickly plug a few flowers before Cyno's voice calls you to catch up with them. "Comming!" Running after them now, you worriedly look at Tighnari; his whole body was slumped over, his tail dragging after him as his breathing was rather hard.

"Good, please lay him down here Cyno, put that on his forehead. I'll start the medicine." Handing Cyno a bowl with ice cold water and a rag as you start to gather everything to hopefully ease the symptoms. If you knew what flower that was and what exactly the effect they had on him, you could make something much better, but this will have to do now. "Nari, open up; this will make you feel better.." His glazed eyes look at you and then the medicine as he shakes his head, trying to roll away from you onto his side just to groan in pain. "Stubborn fox, seriously, you're a forest ranger and practice medicine yourself, yet you refuse to take this.." Groaning now, your hand grabs his shoulder harshly as you push me onto his back, sitting down on his stomach to pin him down, his body thrashing. "N-No! Stop!" Finally, he spoke, yet that won't get him around the medicine. "It's your own fault to go inspect and try everything you don't know." You tell him, as your hand grabs his chin, pushing your thumb into the corner of his mouth; he opens it, his sharp teeth shining as you let the elixir trickle down into his mouth, making him swallow by holding his chin up and mouth closed.

"Is that how he always takes his medicine?" Cyno stands beside the bed now as he watches you stand up as Tighnari falls asleep. "Yeah, he hates to take them; either I put them into his food or drink, but then he sometimes notices and throws it away, so I mostly settle for this way." Wiping some sweat from your forehead after fighting the fox, you put the washcloth onto his forehead and the blanket back over him. "Well, I'll go check on Collie; make sure to take care of him." Cyno closes the door after himself after you bid your goodbye, looking over to the sleeping fox now, hoping the symptoms would soon wear off.

Getting back to your studies now, you open the book where you left off as you start to examine the gems you have found, trying to determine what they could be. Lumine even brought some last time she visited from Liyue and Inazuma which was such a great find.

Immersed in your studying, you didn't notice your boyfriend waking up, scanning the room until his eyes landed on you. Standing up on wobbly feet, he walks over to you, his arms laying around your shoulders immediately, as his face hides in your neck, jumping a little from surprise. "Nari! You're awake, how are you feeling? Is the fever going down?" Looking over your shoulder, he was still beet red, his eyes half-lidded and still hazed. "You smell so sweet.. My beautiful mate.." He groans into your neck, before meeting your eyes. Oh fuck. "Nari.. Don't tell me.." He groans softly from the way you say his name, confirming your suspicion even more. "Need to breed you full till you can't walk anymore." His sharp teeth graze your neck, over the mark he had left long ago, marking you as his mate. "Help me.. Please.. It's so hot I.. I can't take it anymore.." He whimpers.. he never whimpers. Those flowers must've triggered his heat to come early. Normally, it should've still been a few weeks at least, but something must've been with these flowers to trigger it.

"Alright, let's take care of you.." Standing up, Tighnari starts pawing at your clothes desperately, pulling your shirt off of you, before attaching his lips to your soft buds, moaning from the feel of them in his mouth. "So soft.." He moans before he pulls his own shirt over his head, revealing his porcelain skin to your eyes, pushing you onto your back on the bed now before he already pounces on you. "I'll make you feel so good, breed you full till you carry my cubs." Kissing down your neck, small little moans escape your mouth as your hand's card through his soft hair, softly scratching his ears. "I love you so much you're so gorgeous.." He mumbles against your skin as he kisses down to your chest and to your stomach. Softly pulling your pants and underwear off of you, his soon following the pile on the floor.

"Have to prep you first so you can take my knot, my love." He whispers against your stomach as his fingers softly glide through your folds, circling your clit a few times softly before moving down as he pushes two fingers into you carefully, your body arching from the feeling of his fingers. They hit just the right spots inside you, hitting the soft gummy spot perfectly. "You're so gorgeous, my darling; how beautiful you'd be all swelled up with my cubs." Moaning from his words now, your walls tighten on him as more slickness coats his fingers from the arousal. "You would like that, right? Have little cubs of our own, running around.." He kisses your neck softly, as his fingers work you open for his knot to come.

"I think you're prepped enough, mh..?" He pulls his fingers up to his face and sucks them clean with a moan before looking down at you as he pushes himself up a little bit. "Ready my love?" Nodding as an answer, he alines his length with your entrance as he starts to softly push in; his size made you arch and moan every time; he was so big, especially now that he was in heat. His head rested on your chest for a while, giving you time to adjust before you tapped his shoulder blade softly to signal him to start moving, which he didn't waste any more time and did. His thrusts at first were slow and deep but grew in pace quickly. Tighnari was never able to last long once he was inside you, but he would last for many rounds, making sure he bred you perfectly full.

"M-My love.. ah.." He kisses your chest softly as he starts to suck the left bud into his mouth again, his right hand coming up to play with the other one. "N-Nari.. oh archons.." Moaning softly, you could feel his length start to pulsate meaning he was rather close, you yourself close to the edge. "Come my beautiful mate~" He murmurs into your ear as his fingers softly circle your clit making your back arch as you drift into the pure bliss of your orgasm. Meanwhile, Tighnaris's thrusts were getting sloppy as he felt his knot swell before emptying his load in you, his knot preventing anything from escaping as it locks him into you for a while, his body softly laid down half on you to make sure he didn't crush you.

"Beautiful.." He mumbles, brushing a few strands from your face, still connected to you, his hand rubbing softly over your stomach and down, knowing exactly you were right now filled with his cum. Exhausted, you drift off into sleep as Tighnari pulls the blanket over you two, planting many kisses on your cheek and temple before the door opens, making him groan and growl possessively. "Okay, dude, I'll leave you be in a bit, I just forgot to give her these gems; seriously, don't go too hard on her." Before Tighnari could throw a book from his bedside table at him, Cyno disappeared again.

Later on, you wake up with many blankets and pillows around you now like a nest, your body cleaned, and a new pair of underwear on you; as you look behind you, you see Tighnari finally asleep without a blush, finally calm. It would definitely take a few rough days for his heat to be over, but you were used to it and loved to help him. Hand rubbing softly over your stomach now as you look down, hopeful that maybe finally, after years of being together, you'd get pregnant.

[captain-mj]

can we get some ghost soap get hit with sex pollen please?

I fucking love Ghoap

Also, actual pollen this time

~~~~

Ghost held his gun tight. The woods they were in were... odd. He had looked into local plants, in case they had to survive off of them, but he didn't recognize these flowers.

They looked a bit like dandelions and when the wind blew, they scattered in a dust like dried herbs.

Soap kicked a particularly big bunch of them, scattering the pollen into the air. It made a cloud around them and Soap started coughing. Ghost readjusted his mask so he wouldn't breath it in.

Ghost shook his head. "Hopefully that won't kill you."

"Think I'll grow flowers in my lungs?"

"Maybe. That or it'll clog them until you die." Ghost reached over and yanked Soap's neck gaiter up so it covered his nose. Soap laughed at the comment before pulling back to keep looking around.

Ghost noticed Soap getting twitchy. He'd lift his shirt away from his body to fan himself even though it wasn't that hot yet.

"You okay?"

"Yeah..." He took off his shirt and Ghost could see how flushed he was. And how hard.

"Jesus, Johnny." Ghost looked away, trying not to blush.

"Ghost, I don't..." Soap sounded distressed and when Ghost looked back, he saw him stripped down to his underwear. "I can't..." He stared up at Ghost. His body had the nicest flush on it and Ghost tried very hard to be professional.

"You must've been drugged. Shit. Probably a date rape drug." But that didn't make much sense. They had been out there for a while and the symptoms wouldn't have started now.

Soap whimpered, hand pressing against his cock through his boxers. "Can you turn away for a minute?" He sounded so flustered and shy and... Ghost shook his head before quickly turning around. He stayed close in case anyone came up on them. Before long, he noticed his skin itching a little. And his cock getting hard.

Soap moaned suddenly and Ghost felt himself getting hot. Fuck. He knew this wasn't just the drugs, he seemed to have gotten a lighter dose, but he didn't want to admit his sergeant being in such a vulnerable state was a turn on.

"Johnny, you alright?"

"My hand isn't fucking working." It sounded like he was trying not to cry. "It fucking hurts."

Ghost noticed himself tenting in his pants and slowly lifted his balaclava, taking a deep breath to clear his head. It did the exact opposite, only making the burning on his skin worse. He felt so damn hot. This wasn't good. But Johnny needed help and that was more important than him.

Ghost turned around, dropping his gear as he went. He started undressing as he stood over Johnny. He kept his shirt and pants on, just trying to relieve the heat.

"LT?"

"Gonna take care of you, okay? Need you back in your head." He pinned him down with a knee to his chest, inadvertently not letting Johnny see what he was doing. Once his gloves were discarded, he spit into his hand and started to stroke him.

Soap sighed. "Fuck, that's better."

"Johnny, promise not to freak out?" Ghost thought it was best to be honest.

"Already freaked out." He couldn't tell if he was trying to be cheeky or not.

"Freak out more than now?"

"Alright."

"I think I was dosed too." Ghost said it calmly, right as he slipped a finger inside him. He had decided to just accept this. The heat in his groin was far too much for him to ignore.

Soap bit his arm to keep himself quiet. "You're going to fuck me aren't you?" He sounded a little more excited than he should.

"Yeah, I think that's our only option."

"Can't you bottom?" Soap whined as Ghost pushed his finger in deeper.

Ghost hummed. "No."

"How big are you?"

"Shut the fuck up and you'll find out." Ghost pushed in a second finger, admiring Soap's body. Hard muscle and soft skin. He had caught Soap moisturizing. He knew the man had a whole skin care routine. Most of his scars were soft, fading from being cared for. He abandoned Soap's dick to run his hands over him reverently.

"Simon, please, don't stop." Soap gritted out, shaking beneath him. Ghost scissored his fingers and started to pump them in and out. He stopped for a moment to spit on them before pushing back in, making the slide a little easier.

"Just relax, Johnny. I got you." He crooked his fingers, feeling him almost shake out of his skin. "Whatever this is, I'm going to help you through it. Make you feel real good, okay?"

Soap barely managed to nod and Ghost pulled away, moving between his legs instead. Luckily his gear had lube. It wasn't meant for this but it was body safe, so it would work. He was glad because he didn't think spit would work. Also if he let Soap suck on his cock, he really doubted he'd be able to take care of him.

Johnny was more important. It was clear he was a lot more affected and he didn't want to take any more advantage than he already was.

He kneeled between Soap's thighs, feeling like he was a little kid praying again.

"I'm going to go slow. Regardless of what you feel, I don't want to hurt you." Ghost looked down at him before yanking his mask off. Soap immediately reached for him, tracing his face gently and running his fingers through his hair. Ghost started to push in and Soap bit his lip hard.

Soap couldn't tell if he wanted to beg or tell him to stop. The stretch hurt like hell and with how sensitive it was, it felt like he was going insane. The pleasure was overbearing and all-consuming and he started to fall apart under Ghost.

Ghost was having a similar experience, looking down at Soap's face. It felt like he had been set on fire again. Soap was almost too tight, a vice around him that made not coming straight away like a fucking virgin, a problem. He stayed focused though, going slow until he bottomed out. Staying still for the amount of time he thought Soap needed was hellish. Like expected, Soap immediately begged him to move, but Ghost waited all the same.

He slowly pulled out before pushing back in, groaning against Soap's neck.

"Come on, Simon. Faster." He dug his nails into his back, trying to urge him on.

"Jesus Christ, Johnny." Ghost slammed back into him, making Soap scream. He immediately covered his mouth and did it again, finding his prostate. Soap's eyes rolled back and his legs wrapped around his hips, the cloth of Ghost's shirt rubbing against his naked skin. They found a harsh rhythm, Ghost brutally slamming in and Soap rolling his hips to let him go deeper and deeper. Ghost bit into his throat like an animal, as if he was worried Soap would run off if he didn't keep him clamped down. Soap moaned, hand tangling in his hair while the other shredded down his back.

"Fucking hell. Should've let you do this to me sooner." Soap spoke right in his ear, voice full of promise and honey.

Ghost's hips stuttered before he managed to recover. "Don't say shit like that unless you mean it, Johnny."

"I do mean it, Simon. Though, I usually didn't imagine it being on the ground in some fucking forest."

"Imagined a bed with rose petals?"

"Maybe those zipties you keep on you too." Soap grinned at him, clenching hard and Ghost growled. Soap looked exhilarated. "It's so nice. Finally seeing those expressions you make under there."

Ghost shoved his fingers into Soap's mouth, wanting him to shut up. Later. He could say nice, sappy things later. Not when Ghost felt like he was on fire and the only thing he wanted to do was bury his dick inside Soap's body. Any pretense of careful was gone. He was desperate for release. For some relief from the feeling. He grabbed Soap's cock, stroking him quickly in time with his thrusts.

Soap started to ramble desperately, tugging at Ghost's hair. He moaned, back arching and fuck what a picture he made. Soap came hard, body going taut as he painted his chest white. As he came down, he whimpered, letting Ghost continue to take and take.

Soap grabbed him hard and kissed him, slipping his tongue in. Ghost's vision whited out as he came, digging his nails into Soap so deep he drew blood. He kept his face buried in Soap's neck, hips staying pressed into Soap's.

After a moment of being still, Soap flipped them, starting to rock onto him again. Ghost didn't mind, getting hard quickly. His mind felt fuzzy and his body continued to burn. He kept his hands on Soap's hips, admiring him. The light fell so prettily on him. A gorgeous fucking portrait. He pulled one of Soap's hands to his face, kissing it. Soap grabbed his face, thumb and forefinger tracing the scars on his face.

"God, you're a fucking bonny."

"Guess those drugs were worse than I thought. You're a hallucinating."

"Nah. Been thinking that since you took your mask off at Los Almas." Soap groaned in frustration. "Fuck, how did you..." He slammed himself down on Ghost's cock, whimpering.

Ghost reached up, angling Soap's hips a bit. "Not quite as hard, love." He helped him, pulling him down until the head of his dick was pressed right against his prostate. "That what you were looking for?"

Soap nodded desperately, hands on Ghost's chest as he rode him. He was staring at Ghost, eyes glancing over all of his features. Ghost kept his face neutral, even though he knew Soap knew he was enjoying this. Soap twisted his hips and Ghost moaned, eyelashes fluttering. He kissed him again, tongues twining as he started to buck into him.

"Those flowers." Ghost realized suddenly, reaching for his mask.

"No, don't put it on jus-" Soap shut up when Ghost put it over his head. He pulled on Soap's neck gaiter, covering his nose and mouth.

"The fucking flowers dumbass. You breathed them in directly. I did it through my mask. This is why you don't kick shit."

Soap looked at him before grinding down on him, effectively shutting Ghost up. "Guess we just need to fuck what's left out of our systems, hmm"?" He held Ghost's shoulder with one hand and one of Ghost's hands with the other. Ghost kissed the hand he was holding.

All he could see were Soap's eyes thanks to the mask swap, but he could see where he was starting to flush along his throat. Soap leaned down as if to kiss him before putting his head in Ghost's chest, right between his pecs. Ghost's hands settled on his ass as he helped him.

Ghost bucked up into him, coming into him. He groaned softly and quickly stroked Soap to finish. Soap collapsed on his chest, panting softly. Simon's fingers ran through his hair gently.

Soap yawned. "Five minutes."

"Five minutes?"

"And then I'm going to want another round." Soap patted his shoulder.

"Christ. We're going to be here for ages."

[luckyduckydyke]

Vent about disability, ableism, and grief ahead, proceed with caution.

I do understand why my mother doesn't want or like to think of me as disabled. A lot of my symptoms and problems came about recently, or, at least I masked and sucked it up and tried not to complain until it got so bad that that just wasn't feasible anymore. And she wants my life to be healthy, easy, and above all else, happy. Unfortunately, those first two aren't always feasible for me. Sometimes even the third one feels out of reach. But as soon as I express that, express any kind of frustration, she meets me with pushback. She says I have to push through, or I need to have a positive attitude, or wouldn't some fresh air and a Tylenol make you feel better? Have you tried getting some sleep? Maybe you're just not taking care of yourself. We had a discussion about it just yesterday evening, and I do think it will get better. I just wish it didn't come at the expense of interpersonal friction between myself and my only living parent. I just wish my dad were here to calm both of us, to be the voice of reason as he and my mom so often took turns doing. I wish he were here to tell me it's going to be okay. I want a hug, but not just any hug. I want one from him. I couldn't sleep last night because I took my first dose of my first ever ADHD stimulant yesterday morning. When it wore off, I crashed, right around 11pm. I didn't start to feel sleepy until about 6am, though, so I just killed time mindlessly through the night. I'm going to keep taking it, but at this point in time, the benefits just don't seem to be worth the cost. And I'm away from home for the night (last night), so I'm missing my fianceé terribly. I don't know, this is a mess, but I think the point I was trying to make is that, sometimes you lose people, or people fail to understand you, or your Most Important Person can't be there 24/7. And that sucks. But the ones who try are worth hanging onto for as long as possible. My mom is going to try to be a better ally, and I trust her on that. My fianceé is there a good 90% of the time, and that is more than enough. My sibling is always trying to help me. My sister loves me enough to put up with me using her as my middle man for getting my fianceé some of that Devil's Lettuce when they hurt too bad to function. My dad is gone, but that's not his fault, and if it happens in my lifetime, I will celebrate the day humanity cures cancer in his honor. I may not be able to make work or be very productive right now, but hopefully that'll change. Either way, I'm getting married soon. My life is just beginning. There's so much left for me, even if I get more than my share of chronic pain in my life, even if I struggle daily with anxiety and executive function and social cues for the rest of my life. I want to live, not just survive. I hope I get to see a world where I, and all other people like me, are allowed that much.

P.S. I am physically disabled AND neurodivergent. This post is not about one or the other, so you won't be derailing by just talking about one, and I don't mind if people derail anyway, as it was all over the place from the very beginning. Talked about my dad more than I meant to. But hopefully, someone will relate.

[corrodedseraphine]

have mercy on me | #2 wish you the best

pairing: eddie munson x fem!reader

chapter summary: Eddie is once again closing a chapter in his life called Chrissy. This time, hopefully, it's over for good. This, however, was the first step to lift his head out from under the heavy and aggressive waves. Unfortunately, without your help, everything was much harder.

the story is also avaliable on ao3

previous chapter | masterlist | eddie munson masterlist | general masterlist

song that I used: Lewis Capaldi - Wish you the best (and I slightly changed the text, so it would fit better in the story, I hope that's okay)

thank you @i-me-mine for always helping me with making a decision, and @phantypurple for the idea how to develop the hallway scene ♥

once again, no promises guys. I am in shock how many of you wanted to be tagged in the second part and I really hope you won't be dissapointed.

"We have two hours before my parents are back." Chrissy said, closing the house door behind her. Eddie wordlessly followed her to her room feeling the weight in his chest grow heavier. Days passed and girl's behavior, despite her promises, did not change. "I missed them." she said taking his hand and began to look at the long ringed fingers. "No one could take care of me as well as you." She purred and began kissing his neck, then biting it gently. There was a time when the touch of her lips on his neck drove him crazy. Now, however, they seemed shallow. Emotionless. Meaningless. They had always been like that, but then, poorer in experience, he didn't know what it meant and how it felt when someone could convey ever single emotion with a simple touch. When you kissed him he felt that you needed him. He felt that you wanted him in every way, felt all the love you had inside you and wanted to give him. Now when the cheerleader's lips formed wet paths on his skin he felt none of these things. Chrissy didn't miss him. She missed how he was able to make her feel good. She missed how all his attention was focused on her and he did everything to always meet her expectations. He did everything for her and it still wasn't enough. 

"Maybe I could finally meet your parents?" he asked suddenly pushing her away. 

"What? Why are you bringing this up now?" she was taken aback. 

"Don't you think maybe I could finally meet them and stop sneaking around here like some kind of an intruder?"

"Uh...that's not the best idea..." Her eyes nervously looked around the room avoiding his.

"Why? Are you ashamed of me?" Deep down he knew the answer to that question.

"We just got back together, I need some time." 

"Then maybe let's go to my place? You'll meet my uncle, there we won't have to hide." 

"Eddie, this is not the best time for such things. Let's just focus on the fact that we're here alone and we can enjoy each other." Wanting to divert his attention from the difficult questions he was asking, she began slowly pulling off his vest. 

"Do you think you'll ever be able to love me Chrissy?" This question should have been asked months ago. At the very beginning when the first symptoms of the fact that he was not as important to her as she was to him appeared.

"Eddie..." she didn't know what to answer.

"I know I'm able to love you again Chrissy, but I need to know if you're even capable of doing it for the first time with me? You keep reminding me that you are my first love, but I'm beginning to wonder if I was any of yours?" 

"To fall in love with me all over again? What are you talking about?" her surprise slowly turned into annoyance.

"You broke my heart, somehow I managed to recover from that, but you were not there. You weren't there for me when I needed it and you weren't there when I bounced back. So you know... there may be a very long road ahead, which is why I want to know if you will ever be able to love me." 

"You expect very hard answers from me, Eddie. I need time." 

"So let me know when you can finally talk to me about it." was disappointed but not surprised. He expected such a reaction. "See you later Chrissy." He left the house and returned to the trailer. I need time. She always needs time. But not for what needs to be done. She needs more time to once again manipulate and blindside him. But this time he did not fool himself into thinking that he would actually get an answer after some time. It was a lost cause. 

Your broken heart was merciless to you. Without giving a moment's rest it sucked all the life energy out of you, making you feel like you had nothing left. In the morning, sensing you couldn't cope with the reality that awaited you there, you lied to your mother that you felt very unwell only to be hidden under a blanket that like a shield protected you from the outside world. 

At the same time school life went on at its own pace, until...

"Too bad you weren't with us yesterday, babe." Jason said while embracing Chrissy.

"I told you, I had to study." She rolled her eyes and looked around.

"Why don't you tell us more about your studying with Munson?" one of the members of the basketball team snarked.

"What the hell are you talking about Ted?" asked Jason.

"I saw our sweet Chrissy leading none other than the Freak to her house yesterday. I didn't know she was tutoring now." the boy had fun seeing Chrissy's angry face. 

"What is wrong with you?!" Jason yelled looking at her. Hearing the his raised voice, a group of curious students began to gather around them. Somewhere at the end of the crowd was Eddie. "We just got back together, and you are cheating on me with him again? You're impossible!" 

"I'm not cheating on you with him Jason!" she was trying to defend. "He's the one who came to ask me for a second chance!" Lies. More lies. Eddie was watching this wondering how stupid he was to believe that she can change. She can't. And this time he refused to remain in the shadows. He had come to terms with the fact that it was over and had no intention of taking part in this circus anymore. 

"Cut the bullshit, Chrissy." he said stepping out in front of the crowd. "You invited me yesterday, I wouldn't have done it myself." he said tilting back his hair so everyone could see the little hickey on his neck. 

"It wasn't me! Maybe it's y/n, she's always been drooling at the sight of you, even when we were together! I don't care what you do with her! But clearly she must be hopeless since you wanted to come back to me!" she was panicking.

"Don't you dare talk about her like that!" He was exhausted by the whole situation, feeling that he was on the verge of breaking down. He was furious with Chrissy for the way she treated him, but when she started insulting you he knew he couldn't let it go. He was beginning to hate himself for putting you in the middle of all this.

"How else can I call her and her pathetic sad songs?" Chrissy kept rambling on completely not expecting this to be her final show. 

"Just Shut Up!" Eddie shouted losing his patience. "You're the one who begged me for a second chance! You were the one who couldn't stand the fact that I've moved on and I'm much happier than I was with you! You cheated on me with him, You broke my heart and wanted to do it all over again! I'm sick of it." 

"She cheated on you with me? She cheated on me with you!" interjected an indignant Jason.

"I don't give a shit about this Carver." Eddie rubbed his face with his hand. "I am fucking done, and you..." He pointed his finger at Chrissy. "You're not worth it. You never were." 

"You'll regret it." she said through her teeth. Eddie just laughed and shook his head. 

"The only thing I regret was allowing you to be with me the second time. Because of that, I lost someone much more important." 

"She will never be like me!" 

"That's the point. She will always be much better than you." 

"I don't believe I'm saying this, but Freak is right. You're not worth it." Jason waved his hand and walked through the crowd leaving Eddie and Chrissy in the spotlight. 

"Eddie..." her tone was different now. There was no longer a trace of anger in it. She would not fall for it this time. No more manipulation. Without a word, he backed away and left the building. He felt completely different than he expected. This time, instead of piercing pain, he felt relief. The last thread between him and Chrissy was cut. A weight fell from his heart when he closed that chapter in his life. However, this was only the beginning of fixing.

When you showed up at school the next day you felt too many stares on you. As you walked down the halls people suddenly went silent or their voices turned into whispers. Even during class, you couldn't escape it. Anxiety grew in you every minute, and the fact that you didn't know what was going on made everything worse. When it came time for lunch you knew that you definitely wouldn't find peace in the crowded canteen. Talking to Robin about how you were feeling the two of you hid in music class.

"Maybe I'm exaggerating, but I feel like the whole school isn't taking their eyes off me today. It's weird." You said sitting down at the table.

"Yesterday was quite... interesting. There was one big drama between Chrissy, Jason and Eddie..."

"Stop." you interrupted her. "I don't think I want to know what's going on anymore."

"Are you sure? I think it's quite important." she looked at you worriedly.

"I'm sure. I don't want to hear anything about them for now." you were convinced that it was all because Jason had found out that Eddie and Chrissy were back together.

"Okay." she said and began unpacking food from her backpack. You, feeling a huge knot of anxiety in your stomach, had no appetite. "Have you written any new songs?" she asked while biting into her sandwich.

"Yes, one." you answered and took out a piece of paper with lyrics from your bag. Robin read the words with interest.

"It's great..." she commented.

"But?" you asked, seeing her hesitation.

"Are you sure you don't want to hear what happened yesterday?" she sighed.

"No. At least not now," you replied.

"Maybe it would be worth giving it a chance? To listen to him?"

"I don't know if I have any strength to do that Robin. It's all too painful. I still miss him. I miss him like hell and one part of me dreams of nothing but having him back in my life. But on the other hand, it still hurts. When I see him, I feel furious, unable to forgive him for what he did."

"Do you want to sing to me about it?" she asked, smiling gently. She didn't want to convince you more, she knew that forcing you to do such things would not end well. As your friend, she wanted to be there for you and support you no matter what you decided.

At the same time, Eddie had been standing outside the door from the music hall for a good 10 minutes. As soon as he noticed that you were going there with Robin he saw it as an opportunity to try to talk to you because you had been constantly avoiding him since the morning. In his mind he was repeating everything he wanted to say to you, trying to predict every possible reaction that could come from you. Every now and then he would put out his hand, sweaty from nerves, wanting to grab the handle and go inside, but he would immediately withdraw it. Fighting an internal battle with himself, he couldn't decide what to do. Then he heard the sound of an old piano, and after a while your voice.

I miss knowin' what you're thinkin' And hearin' how your day has been Do you think you can tell me everything, darling? But leave out every part about her Right now you're probably by the ocean While I'm still out here in the rain With every day that passes by since we've spoken It's like our dreams are turning grey Maybe it's supposed to be this way

But, oh, my love I wanna say I miss the brown in your eyes And when I said we could be friends, guess I lied I wanna say I wish that you never left Oh, but instead I only wish you the best I wanna say without you, everything's wrong And you were everything I need all along I wanna say I wish that you never left Oh, but instead I only wish you the best

Well, I can't help but notice You seem happier than ever now And I guess that I should tell you I'm sorry It seems I was the problem somehow Maybe I only brought you down

But, oh, my love I wanna say I miss the brown in your eyes And when I said we could be friends, guess I lied I wanna say I wish that you never left Oh, but instead I only wish you the best I wanna say without you, everything's wrong And you were everything I need all along I wanna say I wish that you never left Oh, but instead I only wish you the best

Wish I could say it's something I really mean But I want you happy whether not it's with me I wanna say I wish that you never left Oh, but instead I only wish you the best I wanna say without you, everything's wrong And you were everything I need all along I wanna say I wish that you never left Oh, but instead I only wish you the best

You didn't deserve all the pain he caused you. You didn't deserve to be sad. The fact that he made you think you weren't good enough for him tightened his throat. The claws of guilt clenched even tighter when he heard that despite how he hurt you, you still wished him well. On impulse, he pushed the door handle hard and rushed inside.

"You were never the problem." He said as soon as your gaze fell on him.

"What do you want Eddie?" the very sight of him was like pouring salt on a wound.

"To talk. Please." his eyes glazed over with tears, he was desperate. And even though you felt like running away, you didn't. Part of you, despite the pain, wanted to hear what he had to say.

"I will leave you alone." Robin said. "I'll wait for you in front of the classroom."

"Okay." you said. When she left your eyes went back to him again.

"I broke up with Chrissy." he said quickly. "Everything is over between us, for good."

"What do you expect from me? Congratulations? Are you looking for a shoulder to cry on again?" Your words were sharp and painful. Even if he was ready for them and expected them, nothing could protect him from it. It was hard for you, too. You never wanted to be a person who would hurt those whom you loved. Unfortunately, you did not know how to deal with it any other way. Feelings of betrayal and disappointed trust still filled you, so fighting pain with causing pain clouded your view on the world and you couldn't find another solution. You couldn't afford to be vulnerable. 

"I just wanted you to know, a-and-" he looked confused. It was as if he was sinking once again, but this time he saw no light from the safe haven anywhere.

"I'll ask again Eddie, why did you choose her? What was I not good enough at?" hot tears steamed your cheeks. "Who held you in their arms when she left? Where was Chissy when you drank yourself into unconsciousness from sadness? Who carried you half-conscious into the trailer and held your hair when you were throwing up?" you didn't want to use his moments of weakness against him but it was all too much for you. Flustered, you began to list further. "Where was Chrissy during your concerts? Where was she during the competition? Did she finally stop avoiding meetings with your uncle? Did she finally introduce you to her family? When her friends called you the worst names, did she do anything other than look the other way and pretend not to hear them?" you were angry, but mostly hurt. "It was ME who was by your side the whole time, not Chrissy. I was the one who wiped away all your tears Eddie, you knew very well how I felt about you, you knew very well that I would do anything for you! And it still wasn't enough. Without hesitation I gave you my heart, because I naively believed that you were really capable of loving me, but I was wrong. It turned out even that was not enough. No matter how hard I tried, you would always choose to be heartbroken by her, rather than give me a chance."

"I know you hate me now, but-"

"I don't hate you, Eddie! I wish I could hate you but I fucking love you and it hurts me even more! You said I was like a lighthouse that helped you get home during the storm. Why did you throw yourself into those waves once again? The pain she gave you was better than staying with me?"

"I was an idiot! Blinded by fucking stereotype about first love, I thought it was the right thing to do! I knew what to expect from her, but I didn't know what to expect from you, from us! Things were different with you, no one had ever behaved like that towards me, I was afraid that sooner or later it would all end anyway..." he said, and only later it occurred to him what the meaning of these words was. Thinking that he couldn't hurt you he was wrong.

"I'm sorry to tell you this Eddie but in most cases first love sucks. It mercilessly destroys everything you ever believed in leaving you nothing but a wreck! But now I'm beginning to think that all loves are just like that..." you wipe away the tears. You didn't want to show him how much you were hurting.

"y/n..."

"How would you react if I were the one to go back to Ethan? If I had been the one to leave you for him just because he was my first love and I knew what to expect from a relationship with him?"

"You know damn well he was a piece of shit and didn't deserve you." he growled without thinking.

"Why do you think he was a piece of shit?"

"Because he cheated on you with half the cheerleading squad! He didn't appreciate what he has!"

"That's right Eddie. He cheated on me with half the cheerleading squad. Including Chrissy." you said bitterly. "You have no right to say that he didn't appreciate what he had, because you didn't want it either."

"I beg you, let me fix it." He grabbed your hand, but you quickly snatched it away.

"I'm not a consolation prize Eddie. Not again," you said.

"You never were!"

"Stop lying! You always come to me only when she disappears from your life leaving a void! I fell for it once but never again Eddie. Never fucking again." You walked past him and out of the room leaving him alone. He felt like someone had ripped out his heart and torn it into little pieces.

What he felt when he first caught Chrissy cheating was nothing compared to what was happening now. Now, on top of all this, he added self-hatred. He hated himself for all the harm he had done to you. He hated himself for every tear you shed because of him. He hated himself for every song you wrote about him. Indeed, a song. His hazy gaze fell on the piece of paper with the lyrics that you had forgotten to take. He approached slowly and began to stare at your writing. At the words that were directed to him. Despite the fact that the song was beautiful he wished it had never been written. At that moment he dreamed of nothing more than turning back time, and sending Chrissy straight to hell. 

I wanna say without you, everything's wrong And you were everything I need all along I wanna say I wish that you never left, I wanna say I wish you loved me instead of her Oh, but instead I only wish you the best

The crossed-out phrase was glaring him. He stopped loving Chrissy. Of that he was sure. So why then did he accept her back? What the fuck is wrong with you Munson? He asked himself, yet he didn't know the answer. He felt as if everything was wrong with him. He had never been great at making good decisions, but this one seemed to be on the top of the worst ones in his entire life.

For the rest of the classes he did his best not to let on how awful he felt. With a mask of false happiness on his face, he survived to the end. He didn't want others to know the truth. He knew that if only someone noticed even a single tear from his eye the rumor would spread faster than anything else. The worst part would be that people would link it to Chrissy, and he couldn't let that happen.

It wasn't until a trailer appeared in his sight that he felt all the dams inside him burst. Without a word he went inside, ignoring his uncle's questions, and locked himself in his room. His heart began to beat faster and his breathing caught up with the speed. Here he didn't have to pretend. Here he could allow himself a moment of weakness. Tears began to fall, however, he didn't know if it was from sadness or anger. He felt overwhelmed. He was crushed to the ground by something heavy, so that he was unable to get up. He nervously started looking around the room, noticing objects that reminded him of her. A hair elastic she had once lent him, some Polaroids taken in the privacy of her room, where they were together, a pen he had once borrowed from her. The small objects seemed too big now. Not fitting here. Quickly he picked up the bin that stood by the bed and started throwing everything away. Everything that only connected him to the past. He even got rid of his T-shirt, which she claimed was her favorite. There was no place in his life for her anymore. Throwing it all away was the final step. A symbolic ritual that brought him even more relief despite the tears that still flowed into his eyes. Looking around to see if he was sure he had cleared out everything, he swung his hand, knocking down the photo that stood on his bedside table.

"No! nononono..." he began to repeat while bending down to pick it up. "Damn it! Shit!" he cursed. Looking at the broken frame, he couldn't stand it anymore. Eddie was never one of those people who cried out loud. This time when the first sob left his mouth right after it like a domino flew others. "I am so sorry, so fucking sorry." He looked in despair at the framed photo he received from you right after breaking up with Chrissy.

"As a reminder that you will never be alone," you said handing him a wooden frame.

Inside there was a photo that Gareth had once taken at one of the rehearsals. You were sitting side by side playing one guitar. Eddie was responsible for the chords on its neck with one hand and you were strumming the rhythm. You looked at each other with a smile. Now looking at this photo he was able to recognize your look. A gaze full of warmth and love that you had felt for him for a very long time. Unfortunately, now everything was damaged, cracked, just like the frame he held in his hands.

He helplessly sank to the floor leaning against the bed. When the door from his room opened and a worried Wayne stood in it.

"Can we talk son?" he asked entering the room slowly.

"I'm not in the mood, Wayne." Eddie replied while wiping his tears into the sleeve.

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about." The man sat down next to his nephew on the floor. "You know I usually try to respect your privacy and give you space, but your condition worries me."

Eddie answered nothing, still looking at the photo he held in his shaking hands. He also tried to calm the sounds of crying that desperately wanted to escape from his throat.

"It's okay if you feel like crying, boy. Everyone needs to cry their eyes out sometimes." He put his arm around him, at which Eddie burst out in tears once again. Wayne said nothing more. He held him in his arms waiting for each wave of sadness to pass. He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen him so shaken. His hiccuped breaths were the only sound filling the room.

"I fucked up." he gulped. "I destroyed everything. Everything."

"Wanna tell me about it?"

He did. He told everything from the very beginning. Taking his uncle through all the events step by step, he shared his pain with him. He didn't feel judged. Instead, he felt listened to. When he finished telling the story, from his pocket he took out a bent piece of paper that he had taken earlier from the music room and handed it to him. The man read the text in silence without asking questions. He knew your handwriting, you had shown him many times the songs you had written together. Knowing the whole situation now, he also guessed that the song you wrote was about Eddie.

"You made a mistake son. Now you must face its consequences." he said handing him back the piece of paper. "But I think that you still have a chance," he said.

"She said she still loves me, and that it hurts her even more,"

"And we can't be surprised by it. You yourself know very well how it hurts when the person we love breaks our heart." his voice was calm. He wasn't going to lie to Eddie that everything would be fine. He wasn't going to lie by saying he hadn't done anything wrong. "But judging by that song, by what she said... there is still hope. You just have to decide if you want it and if you are willing to fight for it."

"I want it, I want it so damn much," he said.

"You know it won't be easy?"

"I know... but she's worth it. She always has been."

"You have to try to explain it to her."

"I tried today, but I screwed things up even more."

"Try until you get it right. Show that you care. You deserve a second chance son. I know you and I know that you are worth it too."

"Do you really think so?"

"I know it."

"Thanks." He hugged his old man and got up from the floor later helped him do the same.

"What are you going to do now?" 

"To try until it works." Determined, he left the house and got into his car. 

When he pulled up in your driveway all the windows were covered. Just as he thought, no one opened the door when he knocked on it. After a few attempts, he returned to his car, creating in his mind a map of places where he could find you. Unfortunately, there was no sign of you anywhere. The next stop was Robin's house, but you were not there either. Mrs. Buckley, though, mentioned that you and her daughter had arranged a movie marathon at Steve's house. 

Standing in front of the Harringtons' mansion, he felt very strange. Out of place. His barely alive van parked next to a shiny BMW caused curious neighbors to look out the windows watching him. After several knocks on the door, Steve opened it.

"You've got to be kidding me. What are you doing here?" he asked crossing arms over his chest.

"Let me talk to her please," Eddie said.

"Dude do you have any idea what you did with her? I've never seen anyone in my life able to cry so much, we couldn't calm her down for over an hour." Steve looked around, seeing the curious stares he stepped aside letting Eddie inside and closed the door behind them. "You have to be quiet, she fell asleep and don't even dare wake her up."

"Steve? Who is it?" Robin's whisper came from the stairs.

"Y/n has a guest..." Hearing this, the girl found herself downstairs at the speed of light sticking her gaze into the metalhead.

"You look like shit." she said measuring him from top to bottom. His eyes were still bloodshot from crying.

"Well... I am a piece of shit, so the look fits." he replied quietly.

"At least we agree on that." Her answer was sharp. Still, he didn't expect any different.

"I really care about her, let me talk to her, please." he went straight to the point.

"If you care so much about her why did you choose Chrissy? Your words go against everything you do." Steve said.

"I don't know why! At that moment I wasn't even sure if I still loved her, but at the time it seemed reasonable that it should be that way."

"It was the stupidest decision you could have made," said Steve.

"I know I want to fix it!"

"There's no way I'm going to let you close to her, Musnon. I left you alone today with the hope that you could really explain everything, and you broke her even more. I didn't even know it was possible!" Robin was furious.

"Every time we manage to pick up the pieces of her and somehow glue it all together you smash everything up all over again. How many more times are you going to leave her with a broken heart?" Steve questioned.

"Never. Never again if you just let me." He was ready to beg them on his knees. They were like an impenetrable shield protecting you from him.

"No way." Robin was adamant. Steve, however, saw something different in all this, so he looked at his friend with a meaningful gaze. "Are you crazy? You really want to give him a chance?!" she exclaimed in a whisper.

"You know perfectly well that he is the only person who can finally make her happy! We will never do that! And besides, he cares. The fact that he came all the way here just shows how desperate he is!" Eddie couldn't believe what was happening. Steve Harrington was just taking his side. The same Steve Harrington who should have flung his fists at him the moment he saw him on his doorstep for breaking his friend's heart.

"You're mental! Do you really think he deserves forgiveness? After everything he did to her?"

"Yes, I believe!" this time emotions took over and he was unable to keep his voice quiet. Everyone was shocked by the loudness and turned their gaze towards the stairs that led upstairs where you were sleeping. After a moment of silence, when they heard no sound Steve continued, whispering again. "I too have made many mistakes Robin. You know very well that I was much worse than he was, but you have forgiven me. You all forgave me and gave me a chance to show that I can change. That I can fix my mistakes. Maybe it's worth at least trying? Do you remember how happy she was with him? We've never seen her like that in our lives, so maybe it's worth letting him."

"Fine." she said after a moment of reflection. When she analyzed what Steve had said, it was hard for her to disagree. "But not today. Let her rest for goodness sake." she sighed. "This will be your last chance, Munson. I hope you don't screw it up." 

Before he could say anything Robin came back upstairs leaving him alone with Steve.

"Thanks man..." he said quietly.

"Listen, I seriously believe you have no intention of hurting her again...But that doesn't mean we forgive you. Just make sure you don't mess anything up this time."

"I promise." he said.

When he returned home Wayne was gone. Entering the room, he noticed how a new, empty photo frame lay on the bed, with an old, shattered one next to it. He quickly put the photo in the new one and set it on the bedside table where it had been placed before.

"I won't give up on you." he said quietly feeling a familiar sting in his chest. The realization that you were now sleeping in Steve Harrington's bed didn't help either, because he would have given anything to have you in his arms again. Instead, he had an empty, cold place next to him reminding him of the emptiness you left behind.

Staring at the photo, he recalled how he felt when you chose him for the first time. Silence like the one that surrounded him now spread memories of how safe he felt with you. He closed his eyes, hoping that in his dream everything would be fine. Despite the fact that no one was breathing beside him now, he wanted your soothing whisper to lull him to sleep. Imagining it all again, he felt the wet drops running along his cheeks. In his mind he still had your face, he still had it, and he wanted to hold on that sight tightly, vowing that if he ever managed to get you back he would do everything to not lose you again. 

taglist: @i-me-mine @phantypurple @chrissymjstan @sidthedollface2 @bakugouswh0r3 @tlclick73 @1paire2vans

[chronicallyuniconic]

It's really hard to cope with all this.

Back when I was first diagnosed, I had so much grief for my past self and my past achievements versus my now uncertain future. Diagnosis ruled my life, it still does. I can't turn this off. At the age of 22, everything I'd achieved, was now pointless.

For the past few years, I've realised how much I've been stuck at that age, because I've been unable to put energy into achievements, into working, into living. The achievements I had, mean nothing without the person attached to them. Although I am a different person, it's not the one I aspired to be, this wasn't what it was supposed to look like, wasting away in isolation.

Now seem to be going through the same again, with epilepsy. Having to learn a new illness allover again. Figuring out what sets it off. Deciding if the symptoms I'm having are part of epilepsy, or is it my past diagnoses, maybe I'm just coming down with something.

Having to learn everything about an illness you thought you knew, but actually didn't, is exhausting, scary, an overload of information you're not even sure applies to you. But because doctors are so frustrating, you're forced to learn about it, noone tells you about living with it.

My GP appointment for the first seizure, was very much:

"you may have epilepsy, don't sleep on your front anymore because you might die, make sure you get at least 8 hours though, as sleep is important for epilepsy, not much i can do for your bitten tongue but take these meds and hopefully you won't have another."

That's it. That's my introduction, description and explanation of epilepsy.

--Imagine if they had listened when I said I was struggling with my sleep, I was literally wetting the bed and they just said I had an overactive bladder. I've been manipulated constantly into lessening the symptoms I have, and now I'm here--

Disappointing, worrying, frustrating, upsetting the people around you, because of the symptoms and diagnoses I deal with, is an extra layer of grief. I have to somehow support them too, when I'm actually terrified and there's nobody to support me through this either. What am I supposed to do?

There are so many limitations in the long list of bullshit I'm simply forced into coping with. Like a headache, you don't decide when it appears, it just does, but now I have to be mindful of ppls feelings aswell, when the seizures are random, unpredictable, out of my control.

I'm sat centred on a see-saw of symptoms, that should I tip too far on either side, I will fall, it will get worse, I am not in control.

People don't have patience, for my time, words, emotion, actions. No patience for me overall. If I complain, I seem to suddenly be "the most miserable person" when all I said was "I'm in pain today" because of a seizure, because I bit my tongue into bits.

I haven't done anything wrong, except have epilepsy.

[audiopendent999]

Day 7/100

I forgot to post last night, but I got everything done that I needed to do! I finished two drafts, and re-revised an essay before turning it in. I couldn't get too many chores done, but I'm trying to be more accepting of the fact that when I'm tired, I really just oughta take a break.

Here's what I've been doing to cope with some of my depression symptoms:

-Listening to my favorite songs and singing a long.

-Playing with my cats!

-Writing letters I won't send.

-Praising myself mentally for the small things.

-Taking a moment to feel my body.

-Taking another moment to check what I feel grateful for.

They don't always work, but hopefully typing it will help me remember in the future! 😅

Song that's been making me miss my mom:

[screechingsigh]

Dad is probably angry. He let my strictly indoor cat run outside. He might get lost outside and never come back. He might get run over by a car. I'd never see him again. He is a picky eater who'll give him food that he likes.

Dad often tells me I am being too much and my cat is an unnecessary addition. There are 5 cats in the house right now. Dad brought the first one. She was tiny around 4 days old. He rescued the kitten brought is home and he was done. I bought bottles, learned to make replacement food for the kitten and the bought KMR with my own savings. I took care of a 4days old kitten feeding her every 2 hours for 24 hours round the clock. Fed her, help her pee, hot water bags. Every 2 hours. She was weak a terribly weak kitten. Nobody thought she'd survive.

My dad brought my Grandma home and asked me to share my room with her because my grandma needs someone to keep an eye on her. 96 years old is pretty old. I was stuck between a 2 weeks old kitten and a 96 year old grandma.

I would run to the kitten whenever she meowed. At two weeks old she didn't grow enough fur like a healthy kitten would.

My grandma is a weird person she'd ask for my help even when she needs to walk to the washroom while she could actually go by herself. I'd always keep an eye whenever she went to washroom anyway. She would not get up to eat she wants to eat lying down. I helped her everytime to get up and eat while sitting. Then one day I saw she simply got up by herself and went to washroom then came back and lie down again. She was fast and swift. And here I thought it's difficult for her to move by herself so I needed to be her walking stick. She never used one btw. Then I got in the room with her food and as usual she refused to sit up and eat. I was dumbfounded. If you can move that fast and efficient why would you not sit up and eat?

And there was the thing she did. Every half an hour she would ask me to switch on/off the fan. Sometimes every 10/15 mins. Even if I was taking a nap (I barely slept for around 3/4 hours a day while taking care of the kitten my dad brought and grandma). I was sleep deprived. Well I do have insomnia but that doesn't mean I need no sleep. My eyes and head hurt every single day. I kept up for 2 months like this.

During these two months my dad was very amiable with me. He actually gave me 45$ after that two hellish months saying I earned it. Which I ended up spending behind the cat he brought. Cats are costly. Not for my dad but for me a recent graduate with part-time online job and loads of failed interviews.

The only positive thing my grandma every said to me that I was taller than her. She also often speak about how my hair is short how I am not girly enough how I am too tall to find a good husband

how my skin color isn't bright enough

Now a days I don't care about her much. I left my room to her. Moved inside the storeroom. Shut the door turn off the light put on my earphones. Finally it's peaceful.

I am preparing for a job interview again. Hopefully I'll have better luck this time. And the male cat I adopted so my dad's cat (which I took care of) wouldn't develop a single kitten symptom.. I just hope my dad won't drive him away.

It's not that unlikely for dad to drive my cat away. He wants me gone as well after all. We are both unwanted. I wish I could function like everyone else does. I'd have been easier to secure a job.

[stardustedknuckles]

I've never actually met my current pcp because my actual one that I did meet retired abruptly and my new one does things over the phone pretty regularly but like. It's wild to be believed. She called tonight to set me up with a new rheumatologist (someone who just started practicing, which means a lot less ingrained experiential bias and hopefully less of a wait time) and when she asked if anything else had been going on I explained that my sinuses were hell and had been hell for months but like, inconsistently. Almost every night they flare and some nights, especially around my period, it can get so bad that I feel dizzy and lightheaded on top of the pain and I hate taking Sudafed because it wires me and dries me out when mostly I already feel dry and she was like.

Well. That sounds like a chronic sinus infection, and those definitely come with flares and that usually means it's been going on for a WHILE.

And I was like yeah, like I'd say a year but of course I get mostly a free pass in the warm months but it flared tonight ahead of the rain that's coming. and she was like "yeah okay so we're a bit past the point where an antibiotic is going to necessarily cut it but I'm going to write a script for something you'll take for 3 days this week and 3 days next week, and it should buy you about 20 days of relief after that. It won't hurt you if it turns out we're wrong but it really sounds like dry sinusitis and that's why a lot of your symptoms won't match with the runny nose and etc. It should help clear the post nasal drip too."

And I'm. So excited to try this? Can I be sinus/migraine free for real? Everything wrong with my face ties directly to my sinuses, which are, as my allergist put it, "a wreck" despite not being actively infected when I saw him.

Idk it was just nice to tell a doctor "I might be overblowing this but it's deeply uncomfy at random points and has been for years" and her to be like "that sounds like a thing I know about and can help with."

I'm still not going to tell her I'm trans, but it's nice.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

i'm a secretive person. i keep a lot of secret. i do have people i trust with my biggest sins tho, who thankfully still accept me as i am. but there's still one thing i never told anyone: my serious struggle with hygiene.

for some reason, admitting i struggle a lot with it to the point of not showering for weeks at a time is just not something i can do. i know that this stems from living with people who are super hygienic and take cleaning seriously, and are quick to get grossed out by even slightly dirty stuff. but also? hygiene, or the lack thereof, is smth that is considered a valid insult by a lot of ppl, even progressive ones. i'm not in the mental state to convey my thoughts much, but what i do know is the shaming of unhygienic and dirty people has gone so bad to the point i'm more willing to admit my biggest wrongdoings that drag me down with guilt than admitting i can not shower for weeks at a time. as someone whose value is basically "i don't care whatever you do as long as it doesn't hurt anyone", it's wild that i consider admitting my actions, which did hurt ppl, as easier than admitting to being unhygienic, which doesnt hurt anyone.

it's also annoying, ngl. like, the fact that i'm too constantly exhausted to the point of not even being able to take care of myself just shows how much my mental state has deteriorated. but because my biggest symptom is the lack of hygiene (which i dont have the guts to admit to people), i cant openly admit that im struggling. whenever i try to open up and seek support, people always say to try doing this and that. but i cannot! if even showering is too hard then how am i supposed to get the energy for things that require more spoons! but ofc i cant say it, not when i have zero guarantee that the other person wont shame me for my lack of hygiene. i do want an outcome where after admitting how much i struggle, the other person turns sympathetic. but seeing at how these ppl treat unhygienic people... yeah nah. never gonna admit it

Hi anon,

Please know you're not alone.

It's okay to be secretive, you don't have to share anything you don't want to, and you deserve the right to choose what is known and what is not. However, you don't deserve to feel silenced about things you'd like to talk about.

It makes sense why hygiene may be a struggle for you - not having enough energy makes it really hard to do such a big task like showering, and afterwards can be even more exhausting.

Please know that not only is there no judgment here, but I understand the fear of scrutiny in this society where everyone is expected to stick to a specific hygienic routine and anyone who doesn't meet this is immediately seen as disgusting, without considering the contributing factors.

I understand that desire for all odds to be in your favor, that anyone who knows about your hygiene habits would be understanding and supportive. It can be really hard to accept that some people simply won't understand and will be disrespectful, but that it's more a reflection of them than you. You are valid no matter what critical people have to say. Internalizing that message is definitely easier said than done, but it is possible.

I think there is some pride to take in the fact that despite you saying that you can't openly admit you're struggling, this is a public space, and so hopefully some of that shame can feel lifted.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[haunted-creations]

Hi, I was wondering if I could request a oneshot of either Palpatine (Star Wars) or Yuugo (The Promised Neverland) x Female reader.

I don't know exactly what fandoms you write for soo...

If you can, could you make it strictly no-fluff? Thank you! xx

{I’m not part of either fandom and I’m mostly a fluff writer lol, but I wanted to challenge myself a bit here. So sorry if this is OOC (I tried my best with research) or not exactly what you expected. I opted for something more morbid since you said no fluff. Feel free to request something more specific in the future if you’d like something different! Though I most likely won't be considering either fandom from here on sadly. I’ll update my rules and start a fandom list soon, that'd make things easier lol. Thanks for being my first request ♡ uvu}

Broken Reflection - Yuugo x Fem!Reader

[Warnings: Brutal deaths (not elaborated but heavily implied and vaguely described), blood, PTSD symptoms]

[Summary: You stumble upon a rather strange and rude man after being separated from your friends.]

~*^*~

You tried not to let panic overtake you as you ran. Your group that you’ve been traveling with for a couple years now had been attacked by wild demons as you guys searched for a new shelter. The last one was unfortunately compromised when one of the more intelligent demons was spotted nearby, and in an increasing series of unfortunate events this drove you guys towards the more wildly populated side.

In the chaos of the attack a demon blocked you from running away with others of the group and you had no choice but to run away on your own. You weren’t able to grab a gun but you did have a hunting knife in your pocket at all times. However, you weren’t so sure that the knife was going to be put to use before this demon would tear you to shreds. Its long, weirdly spider-like legs had a lot of range to it. Honestly you couldn’t believe you were outrunning it as well as you were.

Despite knowing it was a bad idea to do so, you looked back for a brief moment to see how close it was and suddenly found yourself falling. It didn’t take you long to figure out you were tumbling down an unforeseen hill. A grunt left you when your body was stopped by a tree at the bottom and you painfully noted to yourself to watch where you were going next time. The temptation to lay there was great, but you knew you had to get up and hide. Wheezing slightly, you quickly pulled yourself up and stumbled behind the tree to lean against it and listen. There was a shuffling noise from atop the hill and you hoped with all your being that the demon wouldn’t consider you worth the effort. It seemed luck was finally on your side because nothing came down as you waited. Finally convinced you were clear, you started making your way through the forest with your hand on your now bruised side that was making it difficult for you to stand up straight. Hopefully your friends would somehow make it out this far to find you.

As you continued your walk, you listened out for anything nearby and made sure to look all around you, sticking close to the trees in case you had to hide or attempt an emergency climb. You weren’t really sure where you were headed and if the quiet atmosphere of the forest told you anything, it’s that it was likely you were getting farther away from your friends.

A pessimistic air was starting to settle around you when you suddenly heard a gunshot and instinctively ducked behind a tree. Your confusion quickly turned to hope when you realized it could be one of your friends out there and you cautiously made your way towards the noise as it happened again. When you got closer, you slowly peeked your head from behind a tree to see someone unfamiliar to you in a trench coat standing with their back towards you. From their stature it seemed to be a man, and he was looking down at the unmoving remains of one of the demons that had attacked earlier. He crouched to get a better look at it.

“Great, those idiots are leaving marks all over you guys. Guess I’ll have to wait it out until they’re all captured or dead.”

Your eyes widened as you ducked back behind the tree. In your haste though, your foot slipped over a tree root and you caught yourself while flexing your side in the process. An involuntary cry of pain left you.

“Who’s there?!” you heard the man call out. “Come out now and maybe I won’t shoot you.”

Cursing yourself, you lean against the tree as you move into view. You finally see the man scowling at you with a pistol raised in a gloved hand. He looks a little older than you expected, white streaks giving way in his short black hair as well as stubble on his chin. How long has he been out here? Was he alone?

“Don’t shoot, please,” you struggle to say as you raise your free hand.

“You’re one of those people running around the forest, aren’t you? Causing a lot of trouble for me. And you’re injured too,” he tutted as he lowered his weapon. “Well whatever, those monsters will take care of you.” He turned to leave, but you called out to him.

“Wait! Can you help me find my friends? We got attacked and separated.”

He turned back to you and snickered. “That’s not my problem.”

“Please, I’m sure they’re nearby. We’ll all get out of your hair once we get together.”

“If they’re not dead already. I heard some screaming earlier, so a good chunk of them are probably dead. You might as well start a life on your own or lay down and die. Either way, I don’t care. Have fun out here.” 

“Please!!” you shouted.

He raised his gun at you again. “Shut up! Don’t think just because you’re a girl or injured, I won’t shoot you. I’d probably be doing you a favor honestly.”

You lifted yourself from the tree and took a step forward with tears pricking your eyes. “Fine, just a general direction. That’s all I’m asking for. They’re all I have left in this world and if I lose them all, I don’t know what I’ll do. I don’t want to be alone. Please.”

To your surprise, the man began to tremble slightly. A strange far away look crossed his face and his free hand reached for his head.

“Stop it. Stop saying those things. I can’t…” He groaned in pain and it quickly turned into frustrated cries as he started hitting the side of his head. It was a baffling sight and you weren’t sure what to make of it.

“Are you ok…?” you asked as you stepped closer and touched his shoulder.

“Stay away!!” He swung out his arm and knocked you to the ground.

You curled up into a ball assuming he was getting ready to shoot you, but then you heard voices calling out your name. When you looked up, you couldn’t believe your eyes as you saw your friends running towards you. The man in front of you spun around and aimed his gun at them, stopping them in their tracks.

“Don’t move!”

“We should be telling you that,” one of the older ones of your group stepped forward with his own gun drawn. Everybody else that had guns followed suit. “Put the gun down and we won’t shoot you. Unless you did something to our friend there. You ok?” he called out to you.

“Yeah,” you called back. 

You looked up at the man to see that he calmed down from his episode, but he was clearly irritated with the situation. Eventually he cursed under his breath and raised his hands.

“I don’t want trouble. You can have her back, I was just passing through when I found her.”

“Alright. Just stay there and don’t move until I say so,” your friend called back. He gestured at the rest of the group to keep their guns drawn as he walked over to you two. When he helped you up he noticed how much you were clutching at your side.

“Did he hurt you? I swear to god if he hurt you,” he pointed his gun at the man, but you stopped him.

“No, he’s not why I’m hurt. Everything’s fine, let’s just go.”

The two of you were about to return to the group when all of a sudden, screams filled the air once again. The monsters were back and some of your friends were already in the process of being slaughtered and eaten while others were trying desperately to hold them off.

“Stay back!” your friend pushed you behind him and started firing at an approaching demon.

“You gotta be kidding me,” you heard the unknown man huff as he fired at demons behind you guys.

It was absolute chaos all over again, but this time you had to stand there and watch as the demons picked off your group one by one in visceral ways you never wanted to see happen to a human being much less the people you held dear. You couldn’t stand it.

“I have to help them,” you muttered as you took out your hunting knife and moved towards them.

“No stop, what are you doing?!” Your friend grabbed hold of you and pulled you back.

“I have to help them!” you cried.

“You can’t, you’re gonna die out there! We gotta go, we can’t hold off-”

Blood splattered across your shirt and you looked down to see a spider-like limb inches away from your abdomen, but going straight through your friend in front of you. You screamed as he fell to the ground and your mind was starting to fall apart. It was too much. You couldn’t think anymore.

“Help…” your friend reached out in your direction as the demon started to feast on his lower half, life quickly draining from his eyes. “Help…her…”

The words didn’t register with you and you were beyond conscious thought at this point, but it didn’t matter. You weren’t the one he was looking at. 

The unknown man grabbed hold of your arm, forcing you to run with him. Originally he was just going to leave all of you behind to die once he cleared out a pathway for himself and when he did, he regretfully turned back and witnessed what happened to you. It was against his policy to take on dead weight, but seeing that scene play out overrode his rational thoughts.

After a moment he started to come back to his usual senses and finally decided he was going to drop you if any demons happened to follow you two. But to his surprise, they didn’t, and pulling you along wasn’t as much of an effort as he expected. It seemed that although you were gone mentally, your physical body was still operating enough to follow him. Eventually the two of you made it out to the wasteland and back to the underground shelter he resided in without any more issues.

It took a little more effort to get you down into the shelter. You weren’t very responsive to the point that you just kind of stood there staring off somewhere he couldn’t hope to reach. He knew that look and it made him sick to his stomach to see it reflected back at him like that. Once he got you settled into one of the rooms on a bed, he closed the door behind him and fell against it. His hand reached for his mouth trying desperately to hold back his dry heaving. Memories of himself over the years holed up in his room crying and scratching at the walls were trying to resurface and he tried his best to shake it out of his head.

“No, no, no, don’t do this, I can’t do this…” he sobbed to himself.

He didn’t know what to do. Taking care of himself was already increasingly difficult with each day that passed by, but taking care of another person? Especially someone just about as damaged as he was now? There was no way he could keep that up. As he shifted his sitting position, he felt something poke him in his pocket and he took it out. He stared down at the pistol in his hand and then turned his head towards the door.

Should he do it? It would be quick but the aftermath would be a lot for him. But it would be a mercy, right? Who would want to live the way he has? He certainly didn’t and from how desperate she sounded earlier, it didn’t seem like she wanted to either. So it’s fine…right?

A pain started up in his head and he sighed as he felt exhaustion start to creep in. It’s not like he had to decide right now. Maybe he’d give her a day or two to see if she’d come back to her senses, but he was doubtful. He tried to push it all out of his mind as he got up and started walking towards his own room. But he couldn’t help but wonder.

Was she going to pull herself together, or end up another broken reflection?

[thepersonalhermit]

Find something you enjoy, if you can afford it! "Working out" for me is mostly walking with podcasts and the dog or with my best friend while we chat for an hour or more. I also row on a rowing machine (I briefly rowed competitively in college) with loud angry music in my headphones and have tried a ton of both online yoga instructors to find ones I enjoy as well as online strength instructors to find ones I like and will do occasionally (keeps my wrists and shoulders happier). I've tried climbing at a local climbing gym and had fun but it was a lot of hassle to just be able to do the really easy ones I could do with my crap grip strength and expensive. My partner plays ultimate Frisbee with a pickup group on Saturday mornings. Sometimes we take bikes out to the park with miles of paved trails (I don't like off road biking and my kids aren't old enough to do a lot of it).

It can be daunting to get started but there's a lot of fitness stuff you can do on your own. I like gamifying fitness for myself, I've learned that I'm stupidly motivated by little rewards/dopamine blasts from getting "achievements". I'm tracking miles run/walked/rowed/swam/biked to track how long it takes me to go to Mordor. I join tons of challenges with Garmin connect. Zombies run is free to play (I use it while walking with chases turned off) up to two missions per week and gives you storyline while you walk and after each mission you complete you get to upgrade your Abel Base. Zombies Run also has a home workout program they put out during the pandemic where you can do stuff in your house if you can't leave. One of my friends is doing Ring Fit and loving it (she has small kids at home who usually get in the way but they watch the ring fit as if it's a TV show and give her the space she needs). Pokemon Go is still a thing.

My college friend with POTS found that rowing is the one type of cardio that doesn't trigger symptoms. Friend with hashimoto's is doing Ring Fit. I'm hypermobile EDS and doing light dumbbell exercises on top of my walking and rowing so I hopefully won't have to get a fifth joint surgery anytime soon. Just gotta do what we can, this is the only body we're going to get. I want mine to last a long time.

We’re all goin here right

[jodilin65]

I'm starting to go from frustration to worry with this fatigue. I don't know how much more my brain and body can take. I feel very overwhelmed, especially with not knowing exactly how much of this or that is causing the fatigue and what to do about it.

It’s going to be months before I can get into an ENT who hopefully won't cancel on me, plus other specialists. On Tuesday and Wednesday nights, I felt like I had breathing issues in my sleep where I was short of breath. I didn't have as much trouble last night, but I still kept waking up.

I'm also back down to 155 lbs. I'm definitely having conflicting symptoms regarding my thyroid. My weight dropping and having trouble staying asleep are consistent with my TSH being lower, but the fatigue and feeling cold are not. It's definitely cold now in Florida. Yesterday was chilly and windy, and this morning it’s down to 72 degrees in the house. For the next few nights, it’s getting down into the 40s so we’ll definitely have to kick the heat on.

I also have that cramp-like pain again in my lower left stomach near the pubic area. I took ibuprofen a little while ago, but it's not helping. Since it's unlikely to be related to my lady parts, I'm guessing it’s intestinal, muscular, or maybe related to my hip joint. I don’t know why ibuprofen isn't helping.

Anyway, we were gone for nearly three hours yesterday because it was quite a wait. The girl at the desk warned me they were behind. She said it might take an hour, and I wasn't surprised because I was tired. If I had energy, I would have been in and out. Luckily, we didn't quite have to wait an hour.

However, I still wasn’t in and out of the exam room quickly. They would do something with me and then tend to other patients, come back to me, and then leave me alone again for a while. The dentist said there was a slight chip in the crown and, while it wasn't ideal, it was sufficient enough to re-cement it. There are no guarantees on how long it will stay on, but she said it should last for years. That and the copay totaled $25.

I go back in a couple of weeks for my cleaning. If it turns out I have any cavities, I'll go back to using an electric toothbrush. I’ll just make sure to get a soft brush.

Of course, they had music playing in the background, which was kind of annoying, but what should start playing at one point? Fleetwood Mac's "Sara," LOL. It was funny because the mystery girl got me back into some of their songs, which I haven’t listened to in a while.

We began to wonder if the guys next door were friends of Ray's who were staying there because they had storm damage, but no one spent last night there, which makes me think Ray is on his way back. Either that or their place is livable again. It was weird because they would be gone all day, and we couldn't imagine where they were, especially since one guy was likely long retired.

Unfortunately, the dream I had about Tom wanting me to call an ambulance was a sign of trouble for him. Luckily, it's nothing serious enough to call an ambulance for, but he's been having shoulder pain. I guess I passed my shoulder pain onto him because mine has been a little better lately.

[thisisjustmetalking]

A Good Update

I finally found a therapist!

She is with a mental health group that has a location essentially right around the corner from where I live. They also do Spravato but won't be opening a closer location from where I currently go until about February. I'm on the wait list and really looking forward to it. The place I've been getting my Spravato is an hour away and has been absolutely horrible as far as their management and admin goes. The treatment has been fine, but I'm looking forward to getting all of my med management and eventually Spravato from the same place.

More good news - the depression is lifting. I'm really seeing Spravato working. There were a couple weeks where I felt low again, and I know this is a long journey, but I am feeling minimal effects of depression. That being said, it's put into focus for me how bad my anxiety is. And what it is, frankly. At the beginning of addressing my mental health, it was difficult for me to differentiate between what was depression and what was anxiety.

In the biggest relief I've had in a while, my therapist, from the get go, has taken my worries about ADHD very seriously. During the last few weeks with my first therapist (a couple years back now), I brought up a podcast I'd heard that was a huge revelation - that I very well may have ADHD. The podcast was Depresh Mode, with Sarah Marshall as the guest. Almost everything she'd mentioned about ADHD was something I'd dealt with.

Growing up, it was called ADD, and the stereotype was the hyperactive kid. I was always the opposite, so the thought never crossed my mind that this could be something that was affecting me. Turns out it was, and is, and is by far the biggest detriment to my mental, and financial, well-being. My therapist immediately noted my symptoms and brought up things I'd never heard of that were also plaguing me that were symptoms. The evidence just kept piling up and she diagnosed me and set up an appointment for me with their psych.

I had the appointment with the psych, who is taking over my med management, and who agreed with my therapist's assessment of ADHD. We scheduled a follow up, at which point she will start me on meds. Between that and the therapy geared toward helping me manage on a daily basis, I am for the first time finally optimistic of where things are going.

Hoping 2025 will be a good year for me and Kyle. He's on his way to a promotion, and I'm hopefully on the way of really turning around my business. Fingers crossed.

[theautibrainproject]

Hello & Greetings!

Hello, my name is Demi. I'm on the autism spectrum. I was diagnosed at the age of 25. A few days before I turned 26. It was March 9th, I no longer remember the year. But I was sitting in the small room with my mum and the psychologist who followed me the entire process.

The first diagnosis dropped. Autism. Nothing surprising. I had read up on it and could relate to some symptoms. I was convinced I was on the spectrum. I had to be. Right? There were people who didn't believe I was on the spectrum. They thought it was all in my head. My anxiety, my autism, my ADHD. It was all in my head. Yet, on March 9th, I was diagnosed.

I was diagnosed with ADHD, Autism or ASD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. 2 out of the 3 were not surprising. ADHD however, was a surprise. ADHD? Me? Did this explain the fact I could stay up for hours imagining scenarios. Fictional scenarios.

Yet. While I was receiving answers, I got even more questions. Why did it take so long for me to get diagnosed? How does Autism or ASD affect my life? How does it affect my future? I still don't know, but I'm slowly learning. By myself.

Because I know for a fact I can't pay for a psychologist and an Auticoach. I can't pay for both. Because I'm unemployed. I have tried to work as an intern in many areas. Both in the normal work circuit and the special work circuit. Both failed. Yet, I want to take a course in Graphic Design, becoming a Graphic Designer for a publisher. Creating book covers for authors.

But, a sister organization to the one I originally went to for help and a course, wants to talk to me on August 26th 2024. Either to tell me to not get the course. Or to double-check the course was legit and recognized, so I wouldn't take a course that didn't or couldn't offer any job prospects. If, and only if, they decide to not have me do the course because it wouldn't be easy nor viable for me, I will be crushed. But I will also work to permanently sign up for disability support. So, I can get some sort of income.

My hope? To still be able to move out of my parents' house and live on my own, in my own space. Because I need to. I want to. Desperately so. I want to decorate my own space. I want to have my own style. My own little reading nook and office space. I don't want to remain at my parents' house. Because, I don't want to depend on my parents forever. But I'll keep you all posted.

Hopefully August 26th won't crush my dreams.

[voidtouched-blue]

In her discomfort, there was truly little she could form thoughts of when it came to the tall stranger. Other than his towering height, and from what she could observe in her wavering vision, his long hair. In the dim light of the Thaumaturge Sanctum it was even more difficult for her to discern specific features. What she did catch was nearly forgotten with each throb that shook her skull. If he hadn't caught her at a bad time, she would have at least granted him more than just social courtesy of an expression of gratitude for checking on her. Cyra may have been a hermit, but she wasn't rude. Blunt maybe, but never carried herself in a way that caused disgruntlement to others.

As she steadied herself on the edge of the table, her ear twisted towards her present company as he shuffled around the tomes that were stacked on the table. Initially, the anxiety in her chest swapped from the sudden headache to the soft sound of a heavy tome being closed shut. Her research was dipping into the realm of forbidden knowledge, and should he be able to make any sense of her scribblings...well...

She would have more than just questions to answer for.

What she listened for was less the quick packing up of her personal effects, but more of the familiar sound of paper scraping against paper. If he had flipped through her compendium, she would know. She turned her head slightly to glance in his direction. Only able to make out his long arms reaching easily across the table, she was satisfied with what little visual indications she could identify. Her book was closed in his hand, her inkwell, and her quill neatly stacked as he brought them to her. She wasn't concerned about the stacked knowledge that remained in it's place on the table. The Brothers had novices that worked at the Sanctum that would place them back in their proper nook at the end of the night.

At this point the pain had settled into a manageable level. Not that her little trick did much to ease the pain, but it was enough to keep her from collapsing. Or perhaps she had simply gotten used to similar to how one scorns the hot water of a bath before the heat settles into their aches and pains to provide relief. Pain wasn't a stranger to her, not like people were. It was more a distant friend, and it made it's visits rather infrequently. After all, how would she know if her skills were effective if she didn't use them on herself first?

"You're too kind- khsst!" Her attempt to express her gratitude for his efforts was met with a sharp, but short, pain that shot behind her eyes. With her left arm keeping her stable on the surface of the desk, she quickly brought her right hand back up to cover her eyes.

"What an awful time for a migraine." She sighed. Repeating the same trick from only minutes before, it offered her some continued relief for this unrelenting pain.

"Am I?" The healer couldn't keep her thoughts currently contained in her head. It was a fear that by putting the effort of keeping them to herself, it would backfire and send more pain radiating throughout her skull. Her shaking was absolutely a result of the splitting headache, but how she hadn't quite noticed her own symptoms was beyond her.

Perhaps I am truly in need of aid this time. I won't take more than I'm given, hopefully this shouldn't take long. She thought. With how disabling this condition was, she had no choice but to accept what was offered. If the Twelve truly were watching, they had absolutely granted her assistance this day.

"I...I hadn't made arrangements. Momodi is usually quite accommodating and keeps a room for me..." She winced and let out another sigh. "I had plans to take a chocobo porter back to my home...in the Shroud. Gods, I don't mean to trouble you to accompany me all the way home, ser."

Cyra swallowed. She never intended to put herself in a position to rely on a stranger for help. It didn't change the fact that she was beyond grateful for his concern. Her hand blindly felt around the edge of the table for her staff. At the very least she could keep herself upright and walk out of the Thaumaturge's guild mostly unassisted. She had no clue if she could even travel all the way there like this.

Aetherial manipulation was difficult at best, and dangerous at worst, so it was with an unspoken approval that the Elezen watched the way her ministrations soaked against grey temples, the beads of perspiration from the heat or pain he couldn’t tell, but to cast such direct alterations into the easily broken flesh of a skull with fleeting concentration was impressive; Especially if her gritted teeth were any indication. The woman’s voice was lighter than he had anticipated. Not in actual pitch mind you, but the lilt of her words (beyond the ichor of pain that seeped between them) held a tenure ill fitting for those serious eyes, one would have half expected a snarl to purse those lips by the way the Miqo’te had been so focused on her original task. Here, it was a mask of social convention easily recognized. Silvaire waited for a few moments, then a heartbeat more, relaxing his posture to hold his wrists behind his back as the taller figure leaned to study; to see (feel?) the pressure in her bones increase, the dense muscles of a well travelled frame coiling as pain seemed to throb, scald and pulse beneath her skin. Once more that voice spoke - this time to herself before any other - seemingly forgetting the stranger who waited; or those people beyond his eyes who had begun once more to question the situation. He hoped they wouldn’t think it was his doing. This time at least he was innocent of any misdeed within the city. Pretending he didn’t hear it, Silvaire offered a painted smile, eyes creasing with the expression as the façade played so naturally, speaking quietly as one would do to keep the privacy of another. “And in this heat no less.” There was mirth to his tone as he straightened, his eyes never leaving her own - the hidden warinesses towards the unknown he was so used to seeing - Turning on his heel Silvaire let a hand raise to brush the wayward strands of his hair away, speaking with that practiced casualty. “Just a moment.” Knowing the slightest movement of the woman would no doubt bring some secondary relapse of the dense ailment, He took one step towards the desk that had been abandoned in her misgivings; Taking the opportunity to sate the curiosity temporarily as to what her research had been to devour. Her penmanship was wanting, but legible nonetheless, scribbled notes and splotches of ink scratched this way and that - written for the eyes of her and her alone, all more questions than answers it seemed - nothing concrete in this child’s selection the brothers had offered. His brow furrowed for only an instant as the words took root. This was not simple study, this bordered on obsession. There were additional aspects to this book that lay across the table that caught his attention however. Mechanizations and locks primed across it. An item of value; perhaps not to a city-state, but quite obviously to the woman behind him. Pages tender to the touch from a well loved hand. Protection granted towards it with the same cherished attention one would their own selves. Interesting indeed. There was more to her than originally thought. All of these observations happened in an instant, it would not do to be caught snooping through the materials of a stranger after all. So, with slender fingers gliding across the tomes to move them this way and that, Silvaire was quick to pack up what he deemed as needed - capping the inkwell in time - and returned to her with her affects held with an honest hand towards her. “You’re pale and shivering, if I may say, are you staying nearby? May I accompany you?”