#hopefully ill have time and motivation to finish the next update this week

[superfruitland]

plans, plans, plans. lots of plans... coming sometime soon to a blog near you

[9xyzt]

wips occuring

uys i have soooo many drawing ideas um sorry for not really posting finished art i will cook something up soon.. i just get de motivated really quickly when drawing because of wanting everything to be on model or replicating something else and i like lost my artstyle outside of how i like to shade

BUT i made like an entire google doc of drawing ideas and im constantly thinking of more that i need to add so hopefully once i get better at dr artstyle i will drop art ALSO JESUS CHRIST once i can better manage my time w schoolwork i swear ill draw cheren and black art but for now im just trying to draw what appeals to me immediately to make it a little easier SORRYYRY ill also try to reread pokespe bw and um actually continue beyond oras AND FINISH HOMESTUCK BRUH ohh mmy god ive just been waiting for the next voxus but golly ... i got kinda bored i just miss equius. My one true love. Me.

UM ANYWAY sorry for such a lengthy lore update! i should have more time this week but i need to go to bed rn and take melatonin

[trailshome]

Progress Update

I did a bit of backtracking because I wasn't happy with the first version of the beginning of Chapter Two (which means I'll have to tweak the ending of Chapter One but whatever). As you can see, your parents (or crushes) decide to visit you in jail -- here's hoping things don't go south!! I have, also, realized in planning out some of Chapter Two that the routes I had initially planned, were expanded a bit and will require quite a bit of coding because of branching. I'll work on them branch by branch and release them as they are finished (or half-finished) to keep my momentum going. Besides, I've already failed at updating once a month ahah! Might as well embrace my inability to remain punctual with updates!! Needless to say, Chapter Two's jail scene will have two variations; the couple, as seen above, and Greta! One or both will lead to a few shenanigans if things continue as planned~! Rambles about RL below -- preceded with caution!

Also! I adopted a kitten recently, his name is Stinky and he's going to be nine weeks old next Tuesday! He's been taking up quite a bit of my time as I've had to try and deal with Quill and Jean (my two-year-old kitties) adjusting to having him around. My second job will also be starting up in the next week and a half or so which means I'll have less time for writing -- however, if what I've learned ends up being true, I may end up on some medication that should help me out with my frequent illnesses and lack of motivation. This means that despite having less time due to work, I'll develop more of a drive to write more consistently and/or stop over-thinking my writing. Sorry as always that updates are so few and far between and always end up being revisions. Hopefully moving forward things will change and I'm feeling optimistic! We can hope and we will see!! Stay safe, drink water, wear a mask if you can, and wash your hands!! Until next time!

[bvannn]

Weekly Update November 29, 2024

I’ve had awful insomnia and not a lot of motivation to draw, but I think I figured out why the second one is true: I recently moved into a new apartment, and it has terrible ventilation, and my hands are freezing cold all the time! It’s going to get worse as winter approaches, since I live in the Midwest, but I ordered a space heater today to hopefully remedy this for now, plus I’m trying to get a better job so I can move somewhere nicer, but I guess a degree in the field and a couple years of experience in the field aren’t good enough nowadays. I think it’s because no one wants new employees once they realize they need to pay them, so they put out listings that never get filled. It’s fine I’m doing what I can about it. I’m trying to work around my problems.

Drawing has been very limited due to cold hands, insomnia leaving me with a lack of energy, and some illness flareups. They’ve been extra bad this week for whatever reason, probably stress. I did a couple more epithet erased TTRPG drawings at the beginning of the week, got some maps done and decorated. I figured out the digital tabletop I want to use insofar as map making, I’ll have a friend walk me through fog of war and other features at some point. I wrote out a doc with the villains’ backstory, and I’m getting really attached, which is great. I’ll post tokens for some of them once I have them. Theoretically I could run the first ‘episode’ as soon as the last tokens for that are finished, but I think I’m going to put it off until I have stuff for the next couple episodes done.

I’ve fiddled around with music stuff this week but tried to stick with what I’ve already started. I posted Raccoon Rock, I’ve done a similar animation loop for the Blow Off Steam re-edit to make a lyric video out of, and I have sketches for a few other cover arts, including one for a batch. I have plans for that batch, finally, but I’m still going to release the songs first, just for the sake of having something to release. I found a couple vocaloid producer mutuals on Bluesky so that should help with motivation.

FF has the first round of tuning done, I did learn about a new program called tunelab which can help with pitchbends and pronunciation, although I’m not sure it’s entirely legal? If it is I’m totally using it though it looks really nice. I also finagled with my vocal mixing strategies again to get a hold on how to do growls, and I found a much easier method than what I was doing. I’ve been finaggling with OBS again and maybe if my hands are still cold next week and I run out of stuff to do that involves drawing I’ll make a tutorial.

I did a bit more of another animation project that’s been on the back burner, that’s also at a bottleneck since I need to draw more assets. Comic has also been going pretty slow due to art bottleneck but I did get page 12 finished and page 13 is sketched, we’re 41% done. I think right now the main concern is going to be waiting for that space heater, I’ll try to catch up on sleep and maybe watch cartoons or something to fix my mood. I do have another craft project I could do but I’m not going to start another craft project until a couple more art things are off my plate.

It is Black Friday so I’m tempted to spend money on something for my mood, but right now I’m just raiding all the music plugin giveaways. Maybe I’ll write some smaller songs to throw on the pile of unreleased music. Or maybe not, who knows.

[kirnet]

im just talking myself thru the actium release schedule lol

I’m toying with starting to publicly release actium like. next month. i really wanted to wait until i had finished chapter 5 to create a pretty big buffer so that i could have consistent updates (and to have a buffer to take a break when my pain flares up). but currently im kinda struggling to stay motivated bc of aforementioned chronic pain and just the fact that i have a short attention span lol. I currently have like a 12 week buffer which is not bad. and i know i would be much much more motivated if its out there and people are responding to it cause otherwise i just get bored. now that also means that once i do eat into my buffer and if i have more pain flareups that i can’t quickly push through then there’s gonna be a larger wait in between updates. which is fine. im doing this by myself and its just a fun little passion project so that’s ok if that happens.

im also hopefully gonna have full time work soon (hopefully hopefully) which will mean less time to work on it which means more of a chance to eat into my buffer. but that also means wayyy more time to get to chapter 5 anyways.

i think im gonna release it next month publicly yeah. and if i get behind then i get behind and ill just have to be kind to myself. i think its better to just throw it out there and start than wait. idk

the thought of promoting it at all sends me into anxious overdrive lol so im just. not gonna do that. maybe later. im just gonna throw it out there. i think ill put the first three eps up tentatively august 4th :3

[diaryoftheunidropout]

DAY 50

Very brief message because it's 3:30AM and all I want is to SLEEP.

I made the reckless decision to brutally go off antidepressants completely just so I can experience the full syptoms of whatever mental illness(es) I have so I can get a better and hopefully more accurate diagnosis and be take more seriously next time I see a psychiatrist.

Three days ago I felt EXTREMELY anxious for asbolutely no reason at all. I wanted to go to the restaurant, I went, and almost as soon as I stepped foot out of my flat, I got anxious. Over nothing. I just FELT anxious. And I was also super irritated by everything. That was the case yesterday too, and a little bit today as well, but it really is less and less.

These past two days I've been feeling super motivated and happy. I can get lots of stuff done and I want to get lots of stuff done. I believe in crazy shit like "I'm going to write a book and have it published" or "I'm going to study 3D animation" or "I'm going to become a tattoo artist". And to think 3 days ago I just thought I was going to do none of that and just work whatever job I'd be given...?

Anyway, I know this is probably very temporary and a relapse is probably going to kick in soon, hopefully in a week or two only, but it's probably more a matter of a couple of days.

I got my Heartstopper tattoo and I'm so so happy about it. I also love my tattoo artist. What I see in her is like... a 15 year older version of myself? We happen to have quite a lot in common except she is under medication that really treats her illness well and therefore she is pretty stable and enjoys her daily life, and that just gives me hope for my own future.

Anyway, I'll try to keep this blog updated more regularly, especially because I wanna keep track of how my mental state evolves, especially since I've had a hard time focusing and remembering anything lately, and also because whenever I feel bad I get sort of "black outs" and forget :')

See you soon hopefully

xx

Update:

I posted the first part at around 3/4AM so in order to update I must do it on the same post.

Around 2AM I felt peaceful and like I was about to fall asleep but I made the very stupid decision to reply to my grandma's messages knowing it was going to take me 2 hours. So at around 4/5AM, when I finally could go to bed, I felt super anxious, I felt like someone was in the room watching like lowkey paranoid. I think I even woke up in the middle of the night hearing someone's breath but honestly it was probably just mine obviously. I think I fell back asleep and woke up again a little before 12PM.

Then I knew I really had to finish preparing my trip to England which is just under two weeks away from now but it made me so fucking anxious. I still managed and ended up taking a lot of pleasure in it! I was pretty much laughing hysterically at everything.

Then I got up to get prepared because I'm getting my 2nd booster against Covid, which I was totally chill about until I left the house and almost had a full blown crisis with tears and anxiety, which I've been trying to fight for the past hour. It's only 10 mins til my appointment. I'm not scared of the shot in itself, I'm just too unstable. I'm not even sure the vaccine in itself is the real cause of my mental anguish, I think it's mostly because I promised myself after this shot I would stop wearing my mask, which should be liberating but instead makes me feel miserable.

We're the 21st of April and it's day 3 (I think) with no medication at all. I refrain from taking anything, not even a bit of medication against anxiety.

At some point I tried to remember what I did yesterday and just couldn't for about a minute. I still feel dizzy when I walk most of the time. When I say or think about the words "death" I just wanna cry. I wish I could die to end the suffering right as I'm writing this but when I think of dying I just get traumatizing flashbacks from my dad's death.

I'm trying to sit down somewhere and collect myself because I really must not cry in front of some poor strangers working at the pharmacy. They haven't done anything to deserve to see me like this.

I am so in pain right now. I wish a doctor would listen and try to help.

[thelittlebeekeeper]

oof I'm so excited for next week!! it's gonna be a real good one

[jamielea81]

Back to School

Chapter 1

Pairing: Professor Steve Rogers x Reader

Warnings: Some cursing

Description: After taking years off of school, you finally decide to go back and finish up that degree.

Word Count: Approximately 1,800

A/N: Welcome to my new series Back to School! This is a professor AU with a twist. This series will be on the shorter side (no more than 10 chapters) and will be updated weekly. I’ve tagged those that have asked to be tagged before, if you would like to be removed just let me know. 

*Italics are internal thoughts.

Sticking out like a sore thumb wasn’t your idea of a good first day back to school. It was like high school all over again, but instead of wearing cheap clothes from the clearance rack while the other girls in school wore designer jeans, you wore business attire. Black pencil skirt, blouse, heels, makeup done up, that was your staple most days at the office. Students hanging around campus and in your first class were dressed in pajama pants, jeans, gym shorts and t-shirts. You were vastly over dressed, but it wasn’t your fault, you had to go back to work after your second class.

You had taken a few years off of school. Who were you kidding? You took 13 years off. It was always your intention to go back to college and finish up that degree, but life got in the way.

During senior year, you had gotten sick. It started out simple enough with pains in your stomach, but no amount of pain killers and rest could cure it. Once it was apparent you weren’t getting better, you made numerous trips to the health center on campus. They in turn referred you to the regional hospital that diagnosed you with an ovarian cyst. It was already quite large and your doctor recommended surgery as soon as possible. Two weeks later, you had the surgery to remove it. Because of the recovery time and the days you missed being ill, you had no choice but to take incompletes for all your classes that semester. Your job on campus was also terminated because you were no longer enrolled in classes.  

Life back at home with your parents wasn’t a breeze. After being away for nearly four years, it was quite the adjustment living under their roof once again. They encouraged you to take classes at the nearby University which you did, but you struggled. Driving into the city was a pain and finding parking was even harder. You stuck with one of the two classes you enrolled in and managed to finish it leaving eight credits to go.

You found a job fairly quickly after a friend working in a call center gave you the heads up about an opening. It started as a fulltime position that summer, and you planned on going part time in the fall so that you could take a couple of classes to complete your degree. You ended up moving in with said friend at the end of summer. The money was rolling in as you turned out to be quite the sales woman. Deciding to take one more semester off to put some money in the bank, turned into a year off. Student loan bills started to arrive in your mailbox since you weren’t enrolled in classes. That one year turned into two. You moved out on your own. Took a new sales job with great benefits and a 401K. Two years turned into five. A job in middle management became available and you took it. Even though you were great at sales, you didn’t particular love it. Motivating others and knowing how to manage a team was more your forte. At that point you were doing quite well for yourself that school went on the back burner. Before you knew it, you were in your mid 30s worrying about a fifteen-page paper due at the end of the semester.

The campus is nice, as far as colleges go. It was also conveniently located thirty minutes from your home and office. Lush green lawns, loads of maple trees, benches and tables scattered along the wide walk ways. There’s a coffee shop in the student union, but you found a coffee cart located outside near a row of benches that faced a large water fountain in the center of the campus.

You acquired yourself a cup with two shots of vanilla. Grabbing a few capsules of cream and adding them to your cup, you planted yourself on an empty bench. You reached into your briefcase to grab out the syllabus from your first class, Economics in the Modern Age. There was no point in acquiring a backpack when you had only two classes and you had to get to work right after your second one. An hour between classes was more than enough time to look over your notes and get a cup of coffee.

“Can’t believe classes have started up again.” A deep voice in front of you said.

Looking up, the sun partially blinds your view. You put your hand up to shield the sun to get a better look at him.

“Sorry.” He says, moving about a foot to the right to block the brightness from your view.

And what a new view it was. Broad shoulders, dark blonde hair, nicely groomed beard, and those eyes. A poet could write several books about those eyes. He looked to be about your age, which was refreshing. Dressed in dark blue jeans, buttoned down checkered shirt and a brown sport coat over it. You were starring. Once you realized it, you looked down and quickly took a sip from your cup and nodded.

He stuck out his hand and you quickly set your cup down next to you on the bench. “Steve Rogers. History.”

“Ah, um, Y/N Y/L/N. Business administration.” You said, shaking his hand. His fingers fit nicely against yours. You really hoped he didn’t notice the blush.

“Do you mind?” He asked, gesturing toward the empty space beside you.

“Not at all.”

Be cool Y/L/N. Just because the hot guy wants to sit next to you, it does not mean he’s interested.

Going slow was never easy for you, which is why you were single. Your mind had a hard time differentiating between guys who were being friendly and guys who were interested. One would think with age and time, those kinds of problems would be sorted.

“Beautiful day.” You offered. Not really knowing what to say.

He hummed in response. “I’m looking forward to the cooler weather. I hate always feeling over dressed this time of year.”

You nodded. Giving him a small smile. “Same.” You said, gesturing to your long-sleeved blouse. At least you had opted to go bare legged. “It’s not so bad in the shade.”

This small talk is killing me.

Steve nodded his head. “How’s your schedule this semester?” He asked.

“Only two courses. Think I’ll manage.”

“Nice. I’ve got four, but two are twice a week.”

“Ouch. I’ve always hated those.” You replied.

He smiled. Eyes crinkly as he looked at you. “Why haven’t I seen you before?”

“I’m new here.” You said, shrugging one shoulder.

“Well, you can count me as your official welcoming party.”

You laughed. “I give you my thanks then.”

A small alarm sounded in your briefcase. Reaching in you pulled out your phone seeing you had twenty minutes until your next class. Not knowing where all the buildings were, you wanted to give yourself plenty of time to get there and hopefully find a seat in the back.

“I better get going.” You said, standing up and grabbing your bag. “It was nice to meet you Steve Rogers, History.”

He stood up as well, laughing hard, throwing his head back slightly. “You as well Y/N. I hope to see you around campus more.”

Your face flushed and you hoped he didn’t notice. “Hopefully.”

You quickly turned your back to him heading in any direction to get away from the handsome man. Not that you really wanted to run away, but you didn’t want to ruin something that hadn’t even started by saying something stupid.

After walking aimlessly for ten minutes, you consulted the campus map on your phone and started walking in the correct direction. You reached the History building with a few minutes to spare. The room wasn’t far down the hall and all rooms were numbered legibly. Finding the door was still open, you felt relieved. The room was a large lecture hall with stadium seating. Stepping inside you felt a small wave of panic as most seats were occupied with only a few open ones in the front rows and a couple single seats scattered in the middle.

Next week I am so getting here a half hour earlier.

You begrudgingly walked down the staircase, dodging careless backpacks left in your path. Sure, you wore heels daily to the office, but that was mainly at your desk or in a conference room, not down a large staircase with legs stretched out, ready to catch a victim not paying attention.

As you made your way down the steps to the mostly open first row, you couldn’t help but notice eyes on you. Instantly you felt self-conscious, thinking perhaps you had something on your face or coffee down your blouse. You took your seat and the eyes drifted away, back to their phones or conversations with the people they were sitting with.

They thought I was the teacher. That’s it, I’m changing at the office from now on.

You dug out a notebook and pen. Blue ink, not black of course. We all have our habits. You scribbled “History Beyond the Walls” on the front cover of the notebook. You picked the course randomly as you only needed a 200 level history class to complete the requirement for your degree.

The door in the back closed with a loud bang. A muttered sorry was heard and you, much like everyone else, turned around to see what caused the disturbance.

Whoa. Steve’s in this class.

You silently prayed that he’d take the seat next to you. Just for the camaraderie of adults going back to school, nothing more. Right? You continued to watch him descend the staircase hoping he’d see you. You subtly move your eyes to his left hand to check for a ring since you didn’t do so earlier. It’s naked which makes you smile. I suppose he could have a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend.  

Shaking your head slightly to get out of your own mind, you go back to the intense eye contact that pays off as Steve sees you. His face is a mix of surprise and confusion. A small smile graces his face but it quickly fades. His eyes crinkle and small lines appear on his forehead. Head tilting to the side you hear a muttered “Y/N?” You give him a slight wave as he walks completely past you, setting his bag on the desk at the front of the classroom. Now it’s your turn to be confused.

Steve turns around and looks at you briefly before scanning the rest of the room.

“I’m Professor Rogers. Welcome to History Beyond the Walls.”

Well, shit.

Tagging: @thefanficfaerie @humandasaster @violetadefebrero @estillion14 @xxloki81xx @lookwhatyoumademequeue @thefandomzoneisdangerous @tanelle83 @symonlyjen5 @niaese @lilypalmer1987 @unlcvings @linkingdolans @imissyoualittlemoreeveryday @allaboutthebooz @joannie95 @chita0027

[chrisbbaegopayo]

Hold Your Breath (Stray Kids: Stalker AU) ➻ Chapter 3 (part 1)

....

Genre: Thriller, Angst, Gore, Mystery, Suspense Characters: All of Stray Kids, reader, OCs. Word Count: 1.2k Warning: This story will contain elements of gore, on- and off-screen abuse, torture, mental illness, and stalking. It will feature themes that are not suitable for all ages, readers discretion is advised. Each chapter will have its own specific warning.

Sorry for the short post. I’ve managed to hit a very bad case of writer’s block, as well as other things, more on that below. (updates will now be once every two weeks)

Chapters: Premise | 01 Prologue | 02 Chapter one | 03 Chapter two | Chapter three (part 1) | Chapter three (part 2)

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

She and Hyunjin ended up getting along really well in class, as they introduced themselves in the timeframe that the professor had given them. She learned that he had been here to earn himself a bachelor’s degree in literature, much like his parents wanted. He had been a pretty hardworking student and liked to participate in extra-curricular activities, although he didn’t really elaborate on which clubs he had joined since attending the university.

It had come to a surprise, then, that he knew who she was. It was kind of strange for her to introduce herself to someone who had already know of her��he did say that he knew of her and knew who she was, but never made an attempt to say anything to her, which, to her, was understandable. University could be somewhat of an intimidating place. And Hyunjin, who kept to himself during classes unless he was asked to participate in group work or class discussions, was naturally relatively inside his head. 

He had a small circle of friends, she learned, of which he had dropped after coming to this university. He told her that he stayed in touch with most of them through social media and that he had missed them. 

They didn’t manage to get too deep into their conversation, although he did tell her that he was in a few of her classes back in first and second year, and much of the reason of keeping to himself most of the time didn’t say anything to her, as they were practically strangers.

Professor Lee stopped the discussion then and then began his first lecture. Much of it had to do with what goals to set at the beginning of the semester, what they would be covering throughout the semester, as well as the many assignments they were expected to do and their due dates that accompanied these assignments. Much to her displeasure, every week, there would be a test that summarized the terms they learned the week before, just to keep them on their toes, apparently. This was probably the most for her, as her memorization skills weren’t the best…

…this would also mean that she would have to do a lot of reading. And note-taking. As much as she enjoyed reading, the mind-numbing technical terms might just defeat her.

However, the silver lining was that there would be some hands-on case studies and there might be field trips planned in the course, although the professor did not specifically say if they were definitely included. As for these field trips, they were still in the process of negotiating some plan, of which professor Lee did not specify.

They also had to write two essays throughout the semester. Great.

As the professor started lecturing, he covered what the meaning of crime was, what each term meant, and how it integrated into society on a very base level. As for the rest of the two-hour lecture, Professor Lee merely just taught through most of the time with interesting examples and various experiences that he had encountered. He made things interesting, and the majority of the class was completely engrossed. The mid-lecture break had gone by and soon, had buzzed by without much of a fuss. 

“All right, remember, class, make sure to read up on chapter 2, pages 60 through to 90! You will be expected to go through it with your teaching assistant in your tutorial later,” Professor Lee said. “Feel free to visit during my office hours should you have any questions or problems regarding class! See you next week!”

She placed her notebook in her bag and looked over at Hyunjin, who looked rather pleased with the class. “Tutorial, huh?”

He nodded and leaned back against his chair. “Yeah, it should be exciting. At least the professor was interesting, hopefully, the teacher assistant will be just as interesting. When do you have yours?”

She pulled up her schedule, and scanned it, trying to figure out which day she had her tutorial. Turned out that she had her tutorial at 11:30 a.m. in two days with a person named F. Lee. And upon showing it to Hyunjin, she was surprised to learn that he also shared the same tutorial. It seemed like a pretty pleasant surprise, she thought. To be in the same class and tutorial—it was as though something was being conveyed to her through this strange arrangement. Or not. It just seemed like a pretty interesting coincidence. 

But life didn’t have coincidences, did they? 

Regardless, the two left the lecture room and went their separate ways after swapping numbers. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

She had never been so glad to be home. After that stalker fiasco earlier on in the day, she was ready to retire to bed. However, she cracked open the textbook she was required to read for the class and sat at her desk, trying to make some from sense from the lectures. She got a few paragraphs into the reading when her phone buzzed with a text message.

>> Hey I’ve got food Open up OMG bless thank you <<

Jisung seemed to know exactly when was hungry because her stomach grumbled a bit. She went downstairs, and as soon as she got to the door, the doorbell rang, and she opened the door, letting her best friend in.

“You always come at the best time, ever,” she said, ushering him into the house. “I don’t know what I’d do without you. Seriously.”

He laughed. “That’s why I’m your best friend, right?”

The two of them ate and chatted about their day and by the time they finished their food, Jisung had gotten up to toss the containers into the recycling bin. 

She stared at her phone for the time being and sighed. She should go back to reading, but she really didn’t want to do any reading that night. It seemed like a great time to just lay back and chill for a little longer until it was time for her to go to bed.

It was still relatively early in the evening—or late afternoon, and perhaps she could just put her feet up and catch up later on.

But then her mind wandered off to the letter she got—it was unsettling.

“Jisung?” 

He made a noise of acknowledgment, while still staring at his phone. 

“I got another letter.”

His fingers that were once tapping away, seemingly mid-text stopped. He placed his phone down and faced her. “What did it say?”

“It was...something like ‘a new semester will start new things’ or something...and then something about more gifts to come,” she recalled.

Something about Jisung’s expression worried her. 

“Did you file the complaint to the school like I said?” He asked.

She shook her head, but then upon seeing his concerned expression deepen, she held up her hands and reassured him that she was going to file it in the upcoming days.

“I haven’t exactly had time, you know, I promise I will—I’ll even let you know! I promise!” 

He sighed, and with a heavy tone, he said, “fine, as long as you know.”

She was about to say something when he leaned over and put his hand atop her head, almost in a maternal gesture.

“I’m just really worried about you, you know? These are just some precautions that you have to take, okay?” 

She nodded. “Yeah, thank you, Jisung, you’re always looking out for me...”

He chuckled, “that’s what I’m here for, remember?”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Sorry about the lack of updates lately. I’ve managed to land myself in a really deep ditch called writer’s block, and it’s honestly really draining to write when my motivation is zero most of the time. Sorry, it’s been pretty hard most of the time, especially balancing both work and creative writing at the same time. I do writing for my day job too, and every day I’ve pretty much felt like I’ve exhausted most of my writing into work, and the creative juices are NOT flowing into what should belong to creative writing. Hashtag excuses lol.

However, I did find a good way to keep my motivation up—the story is planned out, I know what’s going to happen in the bigger picture, but the details aren’t exactly set. Sometimes if I see an opportunity to implement new ideas, I will, such as relationships between certain characters and their history and such. I do have several pages of notes of the character’s relationships and backstories.

I will be publishing their backstories starting with Hyunjin, and I think it will make for interesting future plot segments. 

As well, I will be changing the updates to every two weeks until I can get out of this really bad writer’s block. 

Whether or not people like to read it or not, I’ll just keep on writing anyway because I genuinely do love creative writing. As well, I have been planning this story for wayyyy too long and even though my execution of the story might be slow and not what my mind wants me to write, I think I want to continue regardless. I’m just really grateful for the readers that I do have, and appreciate the time you invest in my story. Please feel free to poke me/talk to me about the story and let me know what you think of it. I know I haven’t advanced enough into the story for people have a true understanding or grasp of it, but I will be publishing the character’s relationships with each other and how they’re all connected. Because they are.

If I have any jumping tense problem—I’m sorry, I do try my best to catch them while writing, and I will improve and do my best not to disappoint too much.

Thank you! c:

[tothedarkdarkseas]

Is your fic coming along since the potato salad scene? :) Let us know how you're doing! <3

Thank you so much for checking in! But I have to say reading this message without any context is hysterical, haha. Something's gone wrong when you can describe your fic as having a "potato salad scene." Sounds like a real thrill-a-minute story!

You're very kind though, thank you! I write completely out of order, so I do have a great deal of the story after that scene written, but that isn't all new material. I was able to write a bit recently, but I admit it is not nearly as much as I hoped to get done. As a personal update, I've spent the last two weeks on "pause" with my primary job, essentially, and hopefully I will know tomorrow afternoon if everything has been reinstated again. The silver lining is that I should've been able to write, right? But it felt a bit like the creative conundrum of the pandemic, where I suddenly had an excessive amount of free time but often found it difficult to be productive due to the stress.

It's hard to estimate what I think the final wordcount will be, but I would optimistically estimate that I have more than half written, as well as several scenes later in the timeline that need to be finished and connected. The last writing session I had was unfortunately one of those where you become sure that the idea for this scene was ill-conceived and should be scrapped. That is a normal part of the process, I'm told, so I'm trying to just leave it be!

I'm sorry to have such an unproductive and noncommittal answer for you, but it really means a lot to me that you've kept interest in the story. I will try my very hardest to set a goal for tonight and a goal for this week and push myself to meet them as best as I can, but I admit that my job situation may impact that. I can wring my hands about why it is so difficult to find motivation and confidence and so on, and all of that is true, but it ultimately falls on me to simply do it if I want it done. So I will try to have a better update for you next time!

[avpdnoisearchive]

sum updates~

things are going pretty good lately and i get self-conscious about making like 47 textposts a day like “look at another good thing in my life!” bc i feel like i’m being obnoxious but i also hate not posting bc it helps to organize my mind and like. Put The Thoughts Out There instead of stagnating in my mind. anyway

this is the first time in the new semester that i’m properly stressed out. considering i just finished the second full week, that’s not bad? like i had almost two full weeks of being relatively chill. anyway i have so much to read and even though i read loads today i still have SO much more to go and a presentation to write and blahblah this is boring but i just hate the feeling of doing tons of work and not feeling like i’m getting anywhere

i kinda accidentally ghosted the guy on tinder i was talking to.. i literally haven’t texted a dude other than my brother or dad in YEARS and i forgot how garbage they are at messaging (short answers, don’t keep the convo going) (even tho that’s how my brother and dad are actually, i forgot it applies to the majority of their garbage gender). so i didn’t reply bc i had no fuckin idea what to say to his last message and it’s been days now and the more time that goes by the more i don’t wanna start talking again fdhjsfkhsdjf why are men Like This

told one of my new profs about my avpd!! i was even more awkward with it than i was last semester (like..SO awkward..ugh) but i’m glad i did it at the beginning rather than towards the end. she’s REALLY nice and actually also did her dissertation on mental illness narratives! the next day in class i felt like she was looking at me all class with her Knowing Eyes. i hate people knowing intimate things about me like that (like lbr she probably googled avpd and even if she didn’t i told her it’s kind of like severe social anxiety so in any case she Knows Things About Me now) but hopefully it’ll help my mark a bit?

side note straight up my greatest fear when i tell ppl about avpd is that they’ll google it bc the first thing that comes up is the wikipedia summary of symptoms and it’s literally the most pathetic sounding thing hfjkdfhjskfhjs (not that us avoidants are pathetic but u know from an outside perspective It Doesn’t Sound Great)

rly nervous for next week as i have an appointment to lower the dose of the medication i’ve been on for going on 8 years now and the therapy appointment aaaaaaaaa. nervous n excited

family drama back home is getting out of control and while i’m really glad i’m not there to deal with it, it makes me feel even more disconnected from my mom

i feel like there’s more but when i’m stressed out with school it makes it difficult to process literally anything lmao. generally just feeling pretty grateful for where i am in life right now, both in terms of better mental health + making progress in recovery but also (ik this is weird bear with me) grateful about and proud of the fact that i’m a woman doing a phd bc i read loads today about all these shitheads in the 18th century who wrote about how women shouldn’t be educated. and not only a woman, a mentally ill woman who would’ve rotted away at home or possibly even been thrown in one of the asylums that was growing in popularity at the time. nothing motivates ya like wanting to stick it to those long dead misogynist ableist fuckheads lemme tell ya

anyway wow can u tell i’m having trouble processing things this week, this is all over the place. thanks if u read i’m embarrassed about having written so much n might delete but i think writing this all out helped to calm my mind a lil bit. gn

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Thursday 23rd November: Update

It feels like it has been quite a while since I posted some sort of an update on here, and I can only apologise that and for my disappearance. I am going to place my *update* under a read more as I realise it could be triggering and also I am not sure how long it’s going to be, which knowing me it will likely go on a while. So, here goes...

This is going to be an update about treatment: I have now been under the Bristol ED team for a number of weeks and I think it is fair to say that I have not been doing very well. My mental health has taken a real turn for the worse since coming to University and although some things are good/I am enjoying living in Bristol/doing well at my course on paper, I am at the same time, very far from ‘okay’ and am not coping. 

I have been stuck in a nasty relapse and have been finding it incredibly hard to see a way out. I don’t know *exactly* what triggered this and right now I am not in a place to be exploring it beyond the surface level, but I have been feeling increasingly more hopeless as time passes. I think that one of the biggest reasons for this is because I am going around in circles/the same cycles year after year after year. I can do so much at home, I get so far and then I end up back in a really dark place, undoing the hard work I put in. Part of me knows why it might be (probably to do with never really letting go/letting anorexia dictate ‘recovery’ and not reaching and maintaining the goal weight I was set - as well as not getting therapy alongside it all).

In all honest I am tired of fighting. STEPs are a great service however when you are stuck in relapse it can be quite difficult as they work on the motivation to change cycle; which I am very much lacking in at the moment. I have been placed on a waiting list for a contemplation group, however that group does not start until the end of January and until then I have just been having, and will continue to have, weekly appointments for checking in ‘try to stabilise’. 

There has now been another option thrown into the mix due to my continued deterioration and inability to pull myself back up. It was mentioned at my last appointment and I was told to go away to consider things until today where we talked about it more. Basically, to keep things as short as I can, they want me to seriously consider an admission. This has thrown a real spanner in the works and has caused my head to be on over-drive for the past two weeks however part of me is almost relieved? I am simply not coping and as hard as that is to admit, I am desperate for help and am so tired of *this* being my life. I feel like a complete and utter failure. I have let down so many people, including my parents and myself. I hate hate hate the idea of dropping out of University again but I know deep down that I cannot get through another term like this. It just isn’t possible. The inpatient admission was mentioned when I was already feeling quite unsure about my course (I am feeling a little better about it now) as well as feeling very cut-off /left out from University life - so it pretty much sent my head into a constant spin. 

Today I said that I am seriously considering the option. Saying those words terrifies me but at the same time I am just, idk, I am at the end of my tether. I feel unable to make changes myself (god knows I have tried) and I am just...exhausted.

I am going to be meeting with the consultant within the next two weeks (I am awaiting a phone call to confirm the date/time as he was on the phone today when G tried to see him during our appointment). Apparently from that appointment with the consultant and G, I will then get to look around the ward itself and see how they work/consider the goals of the admission - all whilst not being tied down to anything. Then there is the waiting list...which who knows how long it is. G said the consultant might know a little more. This would of course mean taking time out from my course. Right now my goal is to finish first term and do my January exams so that I don’t have to repeat first term when/should I return. However I have a number of barriers in the way that need exploring: the main one is to do with accommodation, which I think terminates if I were to leave for medical reasons, however that would then mean that I wouldn’t have an address in Bristol, hence no GP in Bristol - which has a direct impact on the treatment I could get (if that makes sense?). It is all quite messy. Home is not an option this time around for many reasons including: I would be going home to literally no treatment team (my home team is very small anyway/lack of resources and then the few people I used to see have now all left) there are no IP beds in the county so would likely not get that level of treatment, home recovery is something I have attempted countless numbers of times but it has not been effective (I had one short IP stay which did help but, in hind sight was not enough), my parents are going to NZ for a month late Jan/Feb time so I would be all alone, I would be even more isolated/end up spending another year in my room, little therapy options etc. 

So with home not being an option, and suspending studies likely meaning I have no address here, there is a lot that I need to look into/find out about. The worry is also there about what would happen from discharge as I would want to continue working with the team and thus need to be in Bristol..Anyway, you can kind of get a feel for this ‘small’ dilemma. I then have other things that need looking into. My head is giving me hell for even considering an admission, and I can’t/won’t put into words some of the things that it is tormenting me over but I think you can get the general idea/gist.

The worries about whether University is right for me or even the course are still there however I am not sure if my terrible mental state is having a huge impact on how I feel about them both. In that sense, taking some time out might make a little sense as it might help me to see whether it is what I want to be doing. At the same time it would be ANOTHER year with my life on hold and to do that....god I can’t even. 

The last little bit of my appointment was spent with G trying to persuade me to find even the smallest bit of fight within me to try to stop the spiral that has been growing and growing. medical beds have been mentioned a number of times and she did ask me how I felt about that as a possibility and tbh it isn't even something I consider to be applicable to me. I know the facts about it all but I don’t see it ever happening to me. My bloods are okay at the moment, I have never really had too much of a problem in the past when I have been ‘worse’, so I don’t see it as an issue. At least one reassuring thing that came from that discussion, the ward does not take people who are medically unstable and they try to keep it as supportive environment as possible for people to use to help move forwards. Of course there will be times when there might be people detained there, however they try to avoid this and do not do any NG tubing (such a relief as I know being in that kind of environment would just not be good for me). 

Anyway, in true Kitty style I have rambled on and am now not even sure what I have talked about/forgotten to mention but I suppose this is just a small update about things treatment wise. I can’t emphasise enough how truly sorry I am for letting you all down and for being in this position once again. I would never wish this illness on anyone in the whole entire world and to know that there are so many of you out there who also struggle is hard. Right now I am focusing on getting through the next few weeks; I have a lot on a Uni at the moment what with a 26hour week next week (I know and that is just the hours IN uni not the pre/post labs and write ups), a neuroanatomy exam the week after and a physiology exam the next. Not forgetting the neuroscience, pharmacology and physiology exams in January that are each 2 hours long...sigh.

Hopefully I will hear back about the consultant meeting soon and I will keep my blog updated best I can. Please take care of yourselves, I know it is hard and some days are harder than others but we have to keep holding on, even if it is just in the hope that tomorrow might be a little more manageable xxx

[perspectiveofstacy-blog]

WTF Friday: January 12, 2018

Hi, my loves! It’s time for another WTF Friday! Hope everyone is well--let’s get right to it! 

First up, a summary of my week.

I'm going to be honest, I don't remember much about last Friday. Must mean it wasn't that eventful!

On Saturday, though, I began feeling ill. I went to a local health care facility and was seen, but was discharged almost instantly with a "common cold" and antibiotics. So I went to pick up the medicines and then came home to rest. Apparently, my grandmother wasn't feeling too good either, as I was called over to check on her by my aunt, and it resulted in calling 9-1-1. She was admitted to the hospital later that night, and given 2 units of blood due to her blood count being dangerously low. I spent the night with her, despite my feeling ill, and didn't manage much sleep.

Sunday, I went home at about 9AM after my uncle arrived to the hospital, and I immediately went to bed. I got a couple hours of sleep, but I couldn't sleep much more because I was feeling so ill. Spent most of the day lounging around in bed, feeling terrible. Later that night, I couldn't take it anymore, so I decided to go to my local emergency room. They discharged me, too, with a "common cold" as well as an upper respiratory infection, and didn't give me any useful medicines. Oh well.  

Monday, I missed Motivational Monday. My apologies, but there was just too much going on for me to write one. Thankfully, though, my grandmother was sent home, thankfully. She is doing better, and I appreciate everyone who was so adamant about keeping up with how she was doing. You guys are great. I spent most of Monday in bed, as well, lounging around and watching Netflix. My boyfriend and I got Taco Bell for dinner, despite me not having much of an appetite. We got it purely for the hopes that the spiciness of what we ordered would help clear our sinuses and intestines out. It worked, kind of? Haha!

On Tuesday, I started classes! I have 2 classes on campus, and so far, I can tell by the summaries they shouldn't be that challenging. Okay, maybe a little. I woke on Tuesday feeling absolutely terrible, and it went so far for me to withdraw from my first class and add a different one to my schedule. Now, I go Tuesdays, Wednesday, and Thursdays, nights on Tues/Thurs, and morning on Wednesday. Hopefully this will work for me. Tuesday's night class was good, though, as it was just a basic introduction to the class. From what I can tell, I'll be writing quite a few papers for this class. Yay me?

Wednesday, I went to the first session of this new class, and it was good! This is a college success strategies class, and I feel like it will help me lots in the future. I also ran around an accomplished a few errands, checked on my grandmother at home, and went to a Chinese dinner with my boyfriend! It was a good day, and I was in bed by midnight!

On Thursday, I had to get my oil changed in my car, but that didn't take too long. Went to check on my Grandmother again, and she's doing well. You guys are too kind to want to keep up with my family and what's going on with everything. I've received so many messages and asks about everything, and I adore you guys so much. I also went to the 2nd class of my on-campus English course, and it was okay. We got a schedule of the class, and we have QUITE A FEW essays to write. I've already gotten started on the major one, though, a research paper that's due at the end of the course. Don't tell anybody, but I'm using a research paper that I wrote in high school. Just gonna edit the shit out of it.  

Next, WTF Am I Watching?

Currently, my boyfriend and I are attempting to finish up the available seasons of Once Upon A Time on Netflix, but the last available season is just so bad. I'm not sure why, but we just can't force ourselves to get into it. I'm also solo-watching The Secret Life of the American Teenager. I've been watching it on-and-off for a while now, and I'm almost done with last seasons. Ready to have it over with. I also finally started the second season of American Horror Story. It seems interesting!

Next, WTF Am I Reading?

Sadly, I haven't been reading anything but the back of my eyelids. That's about to change, though, because my classes have required novels to be read for them. So I'll get a couple books taken off my hopeful monthly count.  

Next, an update on my writing.

I haven't got any writing done for Wrong Side of Heaven, sadly. I've been so ill, I can't even think about attempting to write for that novel. I have decided, though, on the other hand, that I'm going to self-publish Figuring It Out online, using Wattpad, or AO1, or something other. Not sure, yet.

Now, an update on my schooling.

We finally started the new semester this past Monday, and I almost wish it was delayed for another week or two to give me time to fully recover from this "cold" of mine. This semester may be a little difficult for me, as I'm taking 3 English courses:

1. ENG-3341: Analyzing English Grammar (Online course)

2. ENG-3301: Women's Literature (On-campus course)  (I replaced this course on Wednesday after deciding I just wasn't feeling it.)

3. College Success Strategies (On-campus course)

4. ENG-4478: Theory and Practicing Composition (On-campus course)

I'm excited as to where these courses will be taking me, but for now, the first week is over. This week's classes were good, considering everything.

Finally, an update on the blog.  

We are up to 180 followers! Quickly approaching 200 followers, and I am having another giveaway once we do! Here's the details!

I love you guys so so so much. Thank you all for sticking with me throughout my hard times and sending me good vibes. I couldn't ask for better followers than you all.

Keep it real, my dudes.

-S

Stacy's no more than a small-town college girl who's always trying to write the words that are stuck on the tip of her tongue. Like what Stacy posts? Give her a follow HERE! You can also check out her INSTAGRAM or TWITTER, or contact her HERE! She loves hearing from you, and wants you to know, you’re the shit.

Be strong. You got this.

[chickenkooks]

[!!!]

hey guys!!!!! just an update for you all :-) yesterday was my day off from school and work so i spent some of it writing as i promised!!!!! i managed to write around 2K that im content with!!!!!! so thats like. 1/10 of the way finished THAT DOESNT LOOK LIKE MUCH PROGRESS BUT FOR ME IT IS i’d been struggling with this first scene for weeks just because i hated it. but now im happy with it and its really motivated me to finish the part whenever i have time to!!!!!! ill have some time on wednesday and then i have a day off on friday and ofc time this weekend so hopefully ill be able to finish it by this weekend!!!!!!! if not. definitely next week. i wont make any promises but thank u for the positive messages and im sorry for being so slow with getting back to u guys!!!!!!! D-:

[ratherbeem-blog]

Down the line again

After an unexpected procrastination hiatus, I’m going to give blogging another go again. What better way to start than dwelling on those goals I said I’d stick to.

1.       It’s pretty easy to see that I haven’t kept up with this one – the last time I blogged on here was October 15th. I haven’t really got a good excuse, but I found that writing is useful to me to get my thoughts out and track them, so I’m going to try and get back on this wagon. I want to be able to look back on my progress over the year, so I’m going to make more of an effort to keep this updated for myself.

2.       I haven’t read a full book yet, but I have started on The Great Indoors by Ben Highmore. I’m very into interior design and homeware, so it’s a good starting point. I need to make more of an effort to finish it, so let’s make this my own smaller goal – I’ll post something proper about it on this blog by 5th December at the very latest.

3.       I haven’t got involved in community things specifically – I’ve done a bit of shopping in charity shops, but nothing that gets me directly into the community. I want to do a big food shop soon and donate stuff to the food bank, but I’d also like to do something more hands on. There’s a community theatre down the road from my flat, and I’d love to paint scenery or something for them, but I’ve not got round to contacting them yet. I’m getting more involved at work, in a way – I’ve been talking to people more and I’m doing the Secret Santa, and someone even came to me for programming advice on Friday. While I’m hoping to connect to more people in real life, I’ve been posting a bit more on Reddit recently, especially in AskWomen and AskUK. I’m also doing the Secret Santa over there because I really enjoyed shopping for someone last year and they sent me a really sweet thank you message.

4.       I’ve seen my old friends Robert and Ryan a few times since I last posted, at random events and hanging out in pubs. I’ve also voice-chatted with Daniel to talk about D&D. I’ve never played it before but we’re starting a campaign on Monday. I flaked for a while, but I’m so glad that Daniel was patient with me and I’m really looking forward to it. I’ll be playing with Jamie, Felix and Ryan – Daniel is the DM. I’m playing a half-drow sorceress based on Daniel’s suggestions.

5.       Haven’t done cooked for anyone but James and I yet, but I’d still really like to!

6.       We went to the cat café in Manchester when we were visiting James’ brother, which was nice. The cats were a bit more active than the last time we went. We’re going back to James’ hometown next weekend, so we’ll probably visit the cat shelter. We both want to get a pet but we know that we need to make sure our flat is cat-proofed and that we get permission from the landlord before we get one, and make sure that we’ve got money saved up for any big vet bills.

7.       It turns out that my payments for council tax weren’t going through properly, so this has been a rough month financially because I had to pay the whole bill for six months in one go. I’ve still got £1500 more in my bank account than I had at my lowest point in the summer, though, so I will be able to recover. I’ve also got my pension sorted through work, so some of my savings will be going into a retirement investment account that I can’t touch for about thirty-five years. I need to set something better up for my own personal savings, maybe getting a high-interest current account and passing money between my main and my secondary current account via a standing order to ensure that my money is liquid. I’ve not been able to pick up any shifts back at uni since five weeks ago so I can’t count on that income totally, but I did do a few hours of overtime at my day job. I’ve been filling out YouGov surveys so I should hit the payout threshold for that in a couple of months.

8.       Our trip to Ireland is very soon now! Also his cousin is getting married in France next summer and his parents have invited me along for the week before. I’m excited to travel with James and hopefully see a lot of the world together. I’d like to go to America and Canada at some point, but I still want to go inter-railing – I’m not sure how much Brexit will ruin my chances of that, though.

9.       I haven’t started a handmade recipe book yet, but I’ve been looking for the perfect book to do it in. I’d like something with removable recipe cards, so maybe a photo album or a file of index cards would be good. James’ mum gave me a recipe notebook but I’d like to be able to reorder things as I need to. I know that makes me sound bratty, but I’m quite particular about the way I do things (or maybe I’m just lazy and making excuses).

10.   No new fun facts, but I’ll keep you posted!

11.   I’m “ill ill” for the first time in a year or so at the moment – lots of phlegm and losing my voice. From a more long-term view, I went to see the GP about my mental health, and he seems to think that it’s something along the lines of OCD or anxiety, maybe both. He prescribed me some beta-blockers to take when I know I’m going to be anxious, and they make things a little bit easier – I’ve found that they’re really good for when worrying about something is stopping me from sleeping, but not so much on the social side of things. I’ve not been to speak about my physical health yet, but I’m not noticing symptoms as much lately. I’ve been overweight for most of my life, and ended up buying a scale sometime in October. Since then, I’ve lost 7 pounds (actually, I lost some of it and gained it back again, and then lost some more – but I’m 7 pounds lighter now than when I started). I’m hoping to reach a healthy weight in 2019.

12.   I haven’t spoken to any of my siblings yet. I’ve been trying to sort some sort of family dinner or something out via my parents, but they’re not very cooperative. I’m spending Christmas with James’ family, and I’m excited for that.

13.   I’m still watercolouring, and I can see improvements in my work from week to week. I need to practice more and I’m hoping to send my Reddit giftee something I’ve painted along with a commercial gift. I’d also like to make something for James, and something for his parents. I’m continuing learning HTML and CSS – I’ve used it to tweak an application at work and entered a little site I made in a hackathon. I’d like to get around to using the skills I’ve built to make my Tumblr a bit more personal.

14.   I figured out most of it, and then James figured out how to get the radiator in the bedroom to work. We don’t have it on much – a couple of hours in the evening, if at all – but it’s nice to know that we’ve got it when we need it.

15.   I haven’t done this yet, but I might try doing Veganuary or something. We’re still eating very little meat, except for when we go to restaurants.

16.   We’re going to see Come From Away soon, watch this space…

17.   Getting my five-a-day hasn’t always been successful – I think if I track it a bit more I’d become better at it. James and I eat a lot of vegetables compared to my parents, but we’re not always on track to five-a-day and I’d like to get better at this and become healthier.

18.   I haven’t been to the market in a while because we’ve been pretty busy for a few weekends (and I was pretty ill yesterday). We need to get around to buying from that bakery soon still. I’ve picked some homewares and clothes up from the charity shops, so that’s something at least.

19.   In an effort to reduce my plastic consumption, I have bought a mooncup, but couldn’t quite get the hang of putting it in comfortably on my last period. When the next one comes around, I’ll give it another go and hopefully have more success. I try to buy loose vegetables where I can and such.

20.   I bought some chocolate hearts with sweet messages on to hide in his jacket pocket, but he ended up finding them before I did it and assumed they were just part of the regular chocolate supply for the week, and ate them... oh well, I guess they got to the intended recipient! Even though we live together, I want to post him a love letter or something to make him smile. I make his lunch when he’s rushing around some mornings and he’s always very appreciative.

21.   The only step I’ve really made career-wise has been competing in a hackathon (with James, who’s never programmed before – we won a prize for being the best newcomer project!). We’d like to do more of them in the future. I got to interact with a lot of other computer geeks and do a little HTML side-project and complete a site under time pressure, so I’ve got a few more skills I can highlight on a CV. I taught James a bit of HTML, and it would be nice to do something more with that. I might get involved in some community GitHub projects or something to sharpen my skills. I think my medium-term plan is to find a job as a programmer in the transport industry, because they seem to have jobs for XSLT developers and have nice benefits like free travel for employees and their partners, which would definitely help with the seeing the world side of things.

22.   I’m still badly organised, no real progress here. I know that my boss doesn’t really mind, but I think my goal for the next fortnight is being early for work every day without needing to get a taxi.

Some things have been successful so far, and some haven’t, but I want to motivate myself to get these things done. Let’s do this.

[theballadofthewoundedman-blog]

July 24, 2018

Dear Diary,

I am now fully recovered from the illness that has befallen me two weeks ago. I am now free to go anywhere. But so you know, just last week I was stuck again at home because of the storm. Didn’t want to swim my way to work.

This week, I’ve been very occupied with several things at work: New clients, special projects, system updates and the like. It’s exhausting to tell you the truth, you want to know why? Because I do not have anyone to rely on. Okay, that’s overstating it actually. I have a team, now that I’ve accepted new responsibilities (I got promoted) I’m now handling my own team. It’s up to me to up their game so we can finish projects faster and make them more foolproof. However, so far things aren’t exactly going as planned. I might just be losing hope and my wits too quickly. It’s difficult to work with a team when you grew up working alone.

I would like to add that I’ve been watching Gravity Falls. It’s fun and amusing. I see myself becoming like Stan when I get older (if I get older). I’ve also caught up with Agents of Shield, Luke Cage and The Flash. I still haven’t found the motivation to finish some series like Suits (still don’t want to accept that Mike is gone), Arrow, Supergirl, Jessica Jones, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and a lot  more that I’m too lazy to mention. You know which series I miss most? I think you already know, yep, Game of Thrones. Miss this badass show to the core.

By the way my dear friend, do you recall the new friend I’ve mentioned to you last time? No, no, no, no, no, she’s not gone. She’s still around actually. I can’t believe it as well. Also, I’ve been meeting new people more frequently. I find this activity tiresome however it has its own perks which is worth all the trouble.

And if I were to name the biggest highlight this month, a truly remarkable moment, I’d say it was when the good doctor (my ultimate crush’s codename) sent me a message on Instagram. Yea, that’s right, she sent me a message which she didn’t have to but she did. I can’t tell you any further details, however it brought me joy. I felt invincible at the time. Hopefully, someday I’ll be able to ask her out on a date. I’m being a wishful thinker here, but hey, a man can dream.

Well my friend, this month has been good. I do not wish to jinx it in any way, but it’s truly worth noting how peculiar July has been for me. And next month, I’ll be flying to Australia for a couple of days. It’s gonna be my first time to freakin’ board a plane. I’m excited and scared at the same time. Are you happy for me my friend?

I hope someday I’ll be able to appreciate myself and move past all the evil that’s been ringing in my head.

Talk soon.

Cheers, K