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floatinginwords · 4 years ago

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Saved by the Devil (12/?) - Tommy Shelby

Summary: One week before Epsom you or tommy can get your minds off one another

Paring: Tommy Shelby x fem!reader (romantic)

A/N: sorry it took so long for me to post this chapter. this semester is just killing me. i really hate online school dude. oh and fair warning i did not proof read this so there might be mistakes please be forgiving towards them. Hope you enjoy and have a fantastic night.

One week before Epsom. A lot was going through your head as time seem to go faster and faster. Tommy hadn’t called you or seen you since you were last in Birmingham.

‘Probably busy with May’ you thought to yourself. You rolled your eyes as you recount her giggles and flirtatious behavior.

“What was that?” Trinity asks. You almost forgot she was in the same room as you. You almost forgot you were in her house. Giving her the last of what you needed for when you were ready to runaway from the country.

“Sorry, just thinking.” You say, going back to sipping your tea.

“Okay, is there anything else I need to worry about or hide for you.”

“Well hopefully I wont need to have so many fake ids, and I can get a legitimate one.” You say sighing.

“Hows that going?”

“Its going.” You say, though you weren’t really sure if helping Thomas Shelby ensured you for what you wanted. Its why you had a backup plan. You always did.

“When are you leaving, (Y/n)?” Trinty asks.

“next Friday hopefully.”

Trinitys eyes almost pop out of their socket. “That soon?!”

You nod. Right after Epsom you were gone. You needed to make quick moves and this one seemed the quickest and smartest. You were starting to recognize faces on trains and buses. Men were following you. You didn’t know who these men were and why they casually followed you places but it helped you make an important decision that it was time to leave. And soon.

“What are you gonna do about Thomas Shelby?”

“What about him?”

She wiggles her eyebrows at you.

“No.” You say.

“oh cmon, you want him a little bit at least.”

“Not even.” You lie.

“Oh cmon he calls you and you rush to him like a puppy and vice versa. Ada told me that when she called him when you were missing he dropped everything to help you, even rushed over himself.” She says

“Trinity please drop it. Hes just someone good to have around.”

“Yea he is.” She says suggestively.

“No.” You say but the two of you end up giggling at Trinity’s antics as you enjoy the rest of your afternoon.

Thomas Shelby stares across at the empty seat that not too long ago held a sitting Grace. It felt like years since he had seen her. And he thought that the same emotions from before, from every other time he saw her would brew back up and he’d be in love with her again. But as she talked about America and her new husband all he could see was the woman who betrayed him and his family. She left, nothing happened between them, though it easily could have. He sits and thinks about the woman in his life. He thinks about Greta how he held her hand as he died, Grace the way she had made him smile for the first time in years and then broke hi heart as if it was the first time ever, May who was charming but he knew he would never talk to her after (seeing as he was only using her). And there was you. No amount of words can describe you accurately. They wouldn’t do you justice. Tommy smiles as he recalls the last time he saw you. The flustered look as he said the word ‘date’ as you left the pub. Polly had demanded answers on what he was doing with you. Which he calmly replied, “Business pol, don’t worry about it.” He saw the tension between the two of you when he had walked in. He knew that polly would grow to love and trust you the more she got to know you. You were just that type of person.

Without thinking he picks up the phone, calling adas house. Lucky for him, its you that picks up.

“hello?”

“(Y/n).”

“Mr.Shelby. Are you calling for Ada?”

“No, I was calling for you. How do you feel about Charlie Chaplin?”

*******************************************************************************************

It was only two hours ago when you had gotten back from Trinitys when the phone rang in you and Adas shared house. You picked up naturally not expecting to hear the sweet deep voice of Thomas Shelby. He had invited you out, which you accepted without thinking. He had picked you up in a car after telling you to dress nice which you did finding a dress you never worn. It was a lovely shade of green. A pity for it to go waste.

You kept telling yourself its just business as you applied a bit of lipstick to your lips. Its just business you think as you rush down the stairs when you see his car pull up in front. Its just business you think as you open the door and see him standing there looking amazing.

“You look exquisite.” He says And a thought sneaks up through the cracks of your mind, ‘its not just business.’

When the two of you arrive at the party, the two of you have a grand time as you mingle with famous people and eat little appetizers on plates. You ignore the drinks and the bar not wanting to get drunk.

“Would you care for a dance?” He asks you. The two of you were sat at a table when a slow song comes on and all the couples rush to the floor.

“I’m afraid to say that I’m not much of a dancer.” You say embarrassed by your lack of skill.

“Im sure we can remedy that with some practice.” He smiles, taking your hand and leading you away. And you cant help but follow entranced by the way he guides you and holds you gently. The music is lovely and awfully romantic. You look everywhere else but his eyes. Knowing that you’d just end up lost within them. You watch the couples dancing, wondering which ones were in love or not. You stumble a bit as you attempt to not step on his toes. You do a good job at following his lead although you’re incredibly stiff.

“Hey, are you okay?” Thomas voice breaks you from your thoughts. You lock eyes a time seems to stop. For a moment you think he’s gonna kiss you.

He continues speaking, “C’mon lets get out of here.”

The two of you head back to tommys, the silence comfortable. Though you didn’t have anything to drink, you feel drunk off his presence. You wish now that you have talked to Trinity or Ada about your conflicting feelings because at this moment as you sit down again on his couch you had no idea how to act.

“So Epsom…are you ready?” He says

“As ready as ill ever be.”

“You’ll be there right?”

“Of course. I said I would.”

Another smile falls on to his face as he moves to his vinyl, playing a record that was on it. He holds hi hand out again like at the party.

“What are you doing?” You ask

“Asking to dance, do you not want the practice.”

You smirk and grab his hand. He pulls you in closer than before. His hand resting on your hip and his other hand intertwined with your hand. Again you try to look away from him but then fingers guide your chin to his eyes.

“Keep your eyes on me.” He says.

And you do. And for a moment you feel this gravitational pull. You see him lean forward; you close your eyes. And then…

RING the phone rings terribly through the apartment,

“Fuck,” he mutters the edge of his lips barely brushing over yours, he leans back, “stay right here.” He leaves to pick up the phone.

You take a deep shaky breath as he leave you standing by yourself. You hear him pick up the phone and quietly talk into the receiver end of it. You sit down on the couch replaying what just happened in your head. Your heart beats fast against your skin and you know no doubt that your flustered as can be. You sit to catch your breath and hopefully steady your beating heart.

Two small knocks on the door. You think to get Tommy but he sounds aggravated you decide to not bother him. You open the door yourself revealing a beautiful blond woman. You blink confused of what she could want, she looks at you equally confused.

“Hi is tommy here,” her Irish accent is clear as day, “You know what never mind that I just need to get something real quick.”

She pushes pass you and goes immediately to the couch digging her hand through the cushions. She pulls out a ring and sighs in relief.

“Imagine going home without this.” She says to you.

“Im sorry I-“ You finally find the words to speak but she interrupts you.

“Its okay he probably didn’t tell you. Im grace. I was here a couple hours ago. he’s always been one to move on fast.” She says with a tone of disapproval as she looks up and down at you.

“Did you meet Chaplin? Hes one of my favorite actors.” Grace continues.

You feel scrutinized under her gaze. She walks past you with a smile. She knows her words cut you deep even if you don’t show it.

“Tell Tommy I said bye. Enjoy your time.” And then she’s gone.

You stand in the same spot by the door. You finally met grace. The one he was with a year ago. The one he named his horse after, the one he kept unopened letters, the one he didn’t like talking about. She was here and she was beautiful. Were you just a second choice for him? And easy get since he couldn’t have what he wanted?

“(y/n) why are you standing by the door?” you hear tommys voice from behind you.

“I think I should go home,” Before he can ask why, you answer that question, “Grace came by.”

“(y/n)..”

“No this is good before we do something stupid, right?” You say trying to laugh it off, though on the inside your hurting.

“Lets talk about this..”

“Mr. Shelby we’re both drunk and not thinking clearly”

“You haven’t been drinking all night and I’m as sober as I’ve ever been.”

You shake your head, “Why did you bring me out tonight? Was it cause she said no?”

“I-I” For the first time Thomas Shelby was at a loss for words.

You sigh, “Ill see you at Epsom, Mr.Shelby”

And then you left.

Read pt.13

Tags

@babylooneytoonz @captivatedbycillianmurphy @enamouravecleslivresetlechocolat @evelyn-4034 @ms-dont-care @owenniasstars @shikin83 @lauren-raines-x

#tommy shelby x reader #Tommy Shelby #Peaky Blinders #peaky blinder fanfic #Saved by the devil fic #fanfic

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neo-shitty · 3 years ago

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toffee!

ah yeah, i think quarentine has given people some opportunity to actually just sit with the person they are, rather than be rushing around for the person they want to become. its good you got smth good out of isolation! ah thats great! hope you had fun and ur partner in crime speeds back home so you can get out more hehe.

ah yeah ty, good suggestions.

hmm good point, i was sort of putting it separate to the whole not-sexualising thing, but yeah. mmm yeah i totally agree, some of the enhypen fics/imagines *shudder* and even reading innie stuff is just a bit *icky* cos everyone still thinks of him as our agi ppang. yeah def would be good but sadly this just seems to be the world we live in. :(

ah yes the holy masterlist (not sarc) i have actually read in the rain and gladius maximus before, but ill go look for in class! oooh thats good! character development lol. hmmmm yes champagne problems was the angst to end all angst, that shit hurt. it was actually one of the first of your fics i read and i recall almost crying over the whole thing, it was so heartbreaking, i can see how it almost made you want to drop angst. good that youve allowed yourself some lee-way tho :)

hehe thats so cool. okay here we go, ill try not to be mortally offended (/hj)

cheese - yes same, i liked it but that was all there was, it wasnt a super standout track. it was rlly underwhelming for me but some of the hook is super catchy so there is Redemption (tm) in store for cheese maybe

thunderous - mmm, yeah at first i totally agreed, i think they suffer from too much good music syndrome, that all their other tracks are such fucking bops its hard to stay at that level of perfection. the choreo was beautiful tho and tbh, the track has grown on me since ive been watching all the vids abt it. its my brothers favourite track

domino - YES GODAMMIT IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE TITLE TRACK. the raps, the vocals, the vibes, the fucking domino sound in the back? i would have streamed that shit on repeat. but tbh, as good as it is, it doesnt have that sort of grandness/oomph that skz seems to like in their title tracks so i can see why they chose thunderous (tho domino would have been so good) *sigh*

ssick - yeah same, not my fave track by a long mile, the crowd cheering was a ?strange? choice and the chorus was a bit bare/empty, plus like i mentioned earlier, it was kinda funny to me for some reason but ill still play it if im playing thru the whole album

the view - ahh one of those not like other girls (/j) i honestly think its just a good party song, just a bop to play in the background when nobodys rlly paying much attention. its pretty generic pop music but catchy

sorry, i love you - hehe yeah i thought it was going to be sadder as well, but i rlly loved the fact that they all just got to sing, which almost never happens, i dont think ive heard felix sing for a long time, so i enjoyed it. wasnt rlly a standout track but i just casually like it. looking forward to the fic haha

silent cry - this song i swear, some bits are rlly good and then others are just? why?? it does sound like a dance song tho idk. definitely not one of my faves either

secret secret - YES its so good! its such a chill song and i love their vocals in it. the combination of lo-fi/fake strings backup stuff and their heavenly vocals just makes it *chefs kiss* im listening to it rn and just... its so beautiful. it gives me pumped up another day vibes ya know? like my pace is edgy get cool, this one is energetic another day i feel like. overall i love it

STAR LOST - ah thats so cool! i didnt know that! on first listen this song had a similar vibe to secret secret but then the beat came in and ahh its such a good song. i can totally imagine them putting this song to a concert footage vid, this song is so sweet.

red lights - LMAO YES ITS SO AWKWARD WHY DOES IT GO ON FOR SO LONG ah thats good! yeah good point, its quite intense hehe. but that is my fave trope and this is lowkey my favourite track on the album so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ just the combination of hyunjins and chans voices, the backing music, the lyrics ahh red lights my beloved

surfin’ - yes lmao its always a shock, i feel like they should have put gone away in between them, but its such a fun cute song, i cant get rlly mad. yeah, as an aussie i think im contractually obligated to like beaches lol. sand im not such a fan of, but my familys rlly into fishing and my brother loves bodyboarding so we stay at a beach house at least twice a year and we live like 5 mins from 3 different beaches (hehe all aussie cities are on the coast lol) so thats cool. do you like beaches?

gone away - ah gone away my beloved, i love this song sm, its just so pure and showcases their vocals and lyrics so well. yes the pitch change is very out of the blue, i feel liek they went directly from seungmins soft vocals to hans powerful ones which was an interesting choice, but hey, im not complaining

wolfgang - YES IKR ah im so happy he got to be included in that era and song. yeah its such a full on song i cant rlly listen to it if im in a quiet mood but its very motivating :)

hehe mood, i hope they do! ahhh no rest, but at least you wont have to pull a blink and wait a year for any word from the group lol. im not rlly into nct but im excited for them! ah hopefully youll be able to sneak some rest into that chaotic schedule, with enhypen (idk if u stan but yeah) squeezed into it haha

<3 w.a. 🐺

i wheezed at partner in crime, it reminded me of smth. i have a lee know fic in the drafts that i wrote 'in honor' of him (and his departure-ish). i'll tag you when i finish it, if you want. it's a rather hilarious one.

oh my god. based on my experience on the collabs i've joined before, writing explicit shit for '01 & '02 is not accepted (nct's maknaes) but with enha's hyung line '01 & '02 somehow it's okay? i do a double take every time i see fics like those i mean, technically, it's legal but still what the fuck. maybe it's just not for me at the moment. not at us venting our frustration about this. it's just something that's so accepted here that i am (in all honesty) slightly uncomfortable about. but oh well. that's kpop writerblr for you.

man i could've linked all the fics in the ask instead so you wouldn't have to go looking for them! i think i saw you like in class the other day (the fic i renamed into sharp-tongued, god it took me a while to remember the new title). describing champagne problems as an angst to end all angst is one way to put what i was feeling back in december. it just hurt to write and admit?? if that ever happened to me i would prolly cry :d

okay back to the album talk! i love how you answered with more thoughts. i love exchanges like these! i am a victim of the cheese hook and it's now one of my favorite tracks in the album. PLS, TOO MUCH GOOD MUSIC SYNDROME. that's on our self-producing kings 😌💅 also, your brother has taste! as i am typing this, domino's currently playing in my head and i realized that too, that it doesn't have that 'vibe' of a skz title track. honestly, this could be a title track of another group. ssick is starting to grown on me because i found the beats cool kdjsk not the not like other girls 😭 the view is the generic pop that i don't like but i get why a lot of people enjoy it. sorry i love you scratches a certain itch that i find myself singing the first few lines every time i remember it. i too would want to hear felix sing more!

> a mini junction on the album talk bc i got side tracked. on that topic, i want skz to switch positions at some point like i know those allrounders are capable of doing so. specifically, i want to hear seungmin rap!!!! (yk in the recent weekly idol he talked faster than changbin in a challenge and changbin is like the fastest rapper in kpop that's active atm if im not mistaken. my dandy boy has some potential and i want it UNLEASHED.)

back to album talk. silent cry is basically sad music to twerk to. secret secret is definitely one of my favorite tracks :( i loved how you compared the tracks HAJSAH i burst out laughing bc yk what, you're right! i want to make a star lost edit of skz but i simply do not have the time i want to cry. i love the song so much. ok, my dreaded track, red lights. idt i have played the track since we last talked. my friend sent me the lyrics tho and i'm itching to write a twisted au out of it. idk if you're comfortable with yandere but somewhere along those themes. the obsessive type of love that's sweet at first but turns rotten. IMAGINE IF THEY PUT GONE AWAY BETWEEN ASHJA it's like going from 50 shades to the notebook.

i was about to ask if you lived near the coast and you literally mentions it here god im so stupid. yes i LOOOOOOOOOVE beaches so much. living in an archipelago is fun :( i live in a part of the country that's more island than city so every time i want some vitamin sea it's accessible. i heard the waves in australia are great :( anYWHOOO gone away :(( every time it plays im compelled to skip it because it makes me sAD AND NOWADAYS I DONT HAVE THE TIME TO BE SAD. contrary to you, i dislike my quiet moods because i tend to overthink a lot.

i have this little analogy about how there are stays that enjoy songs the generic pop + mellow songs and then there are other stays that enjoy the noisy tracks. in my mind, it's like a perfect balance that makes me feel like all the tracks are loved in the end. just by different people.

PULL A BLINK. bro i fucking hate yg entertainment. they have the biggest kpop girl group LOCKED in their basement when they could be (and i mean this in the most business-like way not morally) milking money of the quad. they're yg's biggest hope at not being bankrupt atm so it's a damn fucking mystery to me as to how they aren't doing anything. (jk i just realized lisa solo album soon, but i still need a ot4 cb hELLO)

i stopped looking forward to the teasers. rest > kpop boys. i don't want to sound like a cult member but have you tried checking out nct? are they just not your thing? (i get it tho, that's one hard group to get into). and yes i do stan enhypen!

wow i love how long these asks are! they're like online penpals. but i also want to ask about you! how have you been lately? are you feeling okay both mentally and physically? how's the weather there? do you have anything that you want to talk about? maybe an interesting book you read? feel free to bring up anything you want to share! i'm getting conscious about talking about myself HAJHSJ

and yet another long answer B) i am sooo sorry T___T should these ask exchanges feel draining to you, feel free to stop sending them in AAAA

#toff.asks #wild anon 🐺

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vampireqrow-moved · 4 years ago

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hey so I agree with a lot of the stuff in your post about the transphobia involved in the origin of the pansexual label, but I just have one question: what are the actual impacts of people with good intentions calling themselves pan? If you don't hate pansexuals and consider them bi, why type up a paragraphs long manifesto on the harms of the origin of the label if it means the same thing in the way that most non transphobic people (your audience) use it? a lot of identities can be used in transphobic ways (like bi and lesbian and anything really) and plenty of valid identities from problematic roots and evolve over time as people use them differently (queer, transsexual). so how is a person with good intentions using a not-perfect label in a way you don't like a threat to the community? if someone is using the label pan transphobically, wouldn't their bigotry exist independently? if pan people do not act in transphobic ways besides using the label pansexual, realistically what is changing if they call themselves bi beyond holier-than-thou aesthetic activism? plus, a blog on the internet isn't going to get everyone to stop identifying as pansexual, especially considering multiple prominent celebrities ID as pan. so why spend all that energy quibbling on semantics because some bi people use a slightly different word when you could be worrying about Literally anything else? just feels like you want to find something to argue about lol. extremely disappointed that I had to break a mutual

im going to respond to each thing you bring up chronologically- im not trying to nitpick or prioritize certain things you say ill just forget things if i go out of order and i dont want to miss something important. ALSO! i will be typing less formally (like keysmashes and shortening words n stuff) in this response than my og post bc its 1am as im starting to type this so im tired but i want to be clear that i am like. taking this seriously and im not like. mocking u in anyway if it could read that way?? i hope not but just in case anyways here it goes!

in terms of actual impact people with good intentions identifying as pan: honestly im not sure the full scope of the impact this has, so ill only be speaking to what ive personally seen which might not be all. but like... id argue my younger self has good intentionals iding as pan. i wanted to support trans people, even if i didnt understand a lot of the nuance involved. as a result of this, i developed a sense of superiority over other bisexuals and a mentality that bisexuality was a primitive and lesser sexuality. that mentality is harmful, and although im not sure if it affected bisexuals around me (of which there are many most of my friends are bi ajfjfjf) its still a harmful mentality and can easily hurt people even if i specifically didnt. also using it even with good intentions, which i know many people have, still spreads and further normalizes a label that imo can not be separated from its transphobic origins. this effect is not as extreme as other forms of transphobia and biphobia by A LONG SHOT. the bi community faces a lot of other issues but that doesnt mean this one isnt worth addressing if that makes sense?

if i dont hate pansexuals: ik this is part of a larger point which i will adress but i specified this in my post bc i see a lot of other posts that are negative towards pansexuality have "i hate pan ppl" somewhere in it or a close equivalent. i do not shame these ppl for their anger, i just wanted to be clear i think a lot of pan ppl are bi ppl with good intentions choosing a label they dont fully understand based on a misunderstanding of bisexuality.

why write a paragraphs long manifesto on the harms of pansexuals origin: ok 😭😭 the real reason here is that im literally just bad at summarizing. like thats literally it. i also like talking, its a bad combination. plus ive been thinking abt this for like. over a year im not even kidding and just like i have a lot of thoughts and figured if i was going to bother making my own post instead of rbing someone elses that i might as well get everything i wanted to say off my chest. ALSO BTW i literally got an ask like a week ago that was several paragraphs long asking me to explain my thoughts on why pan was harmful and some other stuff so like. this is partially responding to that and partially just me wanting to air my grievances ? idk if thats the right expression 😔😔

why write the post if my audience of people who identify as pan arent doing it in a transphobic way ? again sorry i didnt really understand the phrasing so i hope this is a vaguely correct summary!! um but like... again imo i think pan cant be separated from its transphobia and like. again imo iding as pan is like. a transphobic action/choice? obviously one transphobic thing does mean someone necessarily is like officially a Transphobe (it CAN be depending on the action but i dont think that applies here) but that doesnt mean there arent problems with what they did. this is like very complicated, but like. someone doing something harmful without the knowlege that its harmful doesnt make that person a bigot by any means it just means they didnt know. and i feel thats the case here? a lot of ppl (myself included until recently) know next to nothing abt pansexualitys origins so a trans inclusve sexuality might seem like a safe and good bet just because they dont know too much abt it, and like? i cant hate those people cause that was me for 5+ years and djgjfjdj you just dont know what you dont know!

basically i think iding with a transphobic label is inherently a singular transphobic action that doesnt make the person transphobic by itself, but is still a transphobic instance.

a lot of identities can be used in transphobic ways like bi, lesbian, etc.: this is true and a point i attempted to make on my original post, but i might not have clear enough. my issue with pan is specifically that it is a transphobic response to a preexisting identity. lesbian isnt an attempted trans inclusive indentity that replaced an identity that already existed (which have many trans ppl identifying with the og label). transphobes can use whatever labels they want, but transphobes using a label vs a label having a transphobic origin is very different. bigots use inclusive and supporting language for their bigotry all the time but language that originated with that bigotry is worse.

many valid identities stem from problemstic origins (like transsexual and queer) but the words evolve: ok my paraphrasing is a little weird there. anyways. the thing here is that. those are slurs. reclaimed slurs that can be empowering to many people, yes, but slurs nonetheless. reclaiming a slur is taking a harmful word and wearing it as a badge of pride. first off, pansexual is not a slur (ur not implying that in anyway just. saying) and it isnt being reclaimed when people dont treat it as having harmful origins. transsexual is the way some people identify but ppl acknowlege its a slur and originates from transphobia. ppl love to act like queer isnt a slur, which is an issue in and of itself, but just. factually it has historically and is currently being used against ppl with the intent to hurt them. pansexual isnt on the same level as these and other words like the f slur, d slur, etc. pansexual originates from trans and biphobia WITHIN the community and not outside of it, and most pansexuals dont see themselves as reclaiming the title because they dont think anythings wrong with it in the first place. and reclaiming it just seems unnecessary considering its history? theres no empowerment from using pan as a label as opposed to queer or transsexual, and it just divides the bisexual community for no reason.

how is a person using a not-perfect label a threat to the community? ok i dont think its a threat but still an issue if that difference makes sense? id like to reiterate a few things ive said before, but for me personally, it made me look down on bisexuals and see them as lesser, and it made people around me see pan as the "trans inclusive" sexuality as opposed to bisexuality, and basically its usage just leads to further biphobia. is this the worst of biphobia? no!!! but its still biphobia and why not attempt to target and minimize that? i have no way to singlehandedly stop biphobia, but my post might get through to my friends who id as pan and that small thing is better than nothing.

if someone used the pan label in a transphobic way, wouldnt that bigotry be different from people using it not transphobically?: someone claiming all bi ppl are transphobic and only pan is the acceptable label is obviously a lot worse than someone iding as pan and saying bi/pan solidarity but again, the second isnt not an issue because the first one is a bigger issue, its just a smaller issue in comparison. i wouldnt say the bigotry is different, one is just worse than the other, but it still has the same problems.

if pan people dont do anything transphobic other than id as pan then what changes with iding as bi over pan other holier-than-thou activism: its just one less person using a transphobic label? which isnt that big but it might lead to their friends stopping iding as pan and cause fewer people around them to see bi as a transphobic identity. which is small scale stuff, i wont try to blow it out of proportion, but thats still a step in the right direction and hopefully more people follow with it. its not terribly huge or lifechanging but something small that may only affect the people close to you is still something rather than nothing.

a blog the internet isnt going to get people to stop iding as pan: oh absolutely not. honestly i expected to get unfollowed/blocked more than change peoples minds regarding the pan label (im surprised i only lost two followers so far honestly) but again, someone literally asked me to do this and i wanted to be clear on my stance on the label, since in the past ive been supportive of it. im not expecting the post to get more than five likes, its more directed to my followers rather than the internet as a whole. im not expecting a large impact, im hoping to change the minds of my followers and friends who id as and support the pan label. thats it. if something bigger comes from it- great! but thats not what im aiming to do.

prev point + many prominent celebrities id as pan: the first name that comes to mind is someone im not a fan of for separate reasons but thats irrelevant. i mean im repeating myself a bit but some celebrities in the past validated and made me feel excited abt my identity as a pan person when they came out, and it justified the label to me, even when i had doubts. i have never interacted with a celebrity and do not plan to change their minds abt their identity. again, my post was for my friends and followers and maybe who ever was scrolling through the biphobia tag and decided to read my post.

why spend that much energy worrying abt the pan label instead of something else: ive spent waaaaay more energy thinking abt a singular meme i didnt like regarding my favourite rwby character so like. maybe i just overreact to things lol. maybe i have a lot of energy and since i cant talk my friends ears off abt my favourite fruits or the different voting methods i learned in my math class or what would dreams taste like, then i gotta put my energy into something. idk. i have a lot of energy and honestly? this didnt take that much. but i felt it weighing on me as my friends talked positively abt the pan label, when i felt guilty for the superiority i felt over my bi friends INCLUDING my best friend and favourite person in the world so like. i spent enough energy worrying abt it, and like. in hindsight since its been over 12 hours since posting it, im thinking abt it less. i was more worried abt feeling dishonest with my friends than actually worrying abt pansexuality, but i figured i owed them an explanation for why my feelings around it had changed.

just feels like you want to find something to argue about: okay i DO love arguing but im not pulling this out of my ass for fun. its in response to posts ive seen on my dash, asks i recieved abt pansexuality, and my way of letting people know my views have changed and why since i know at least some people are curious.

i am sorry to lose a mutual as well, and i genuinely hope things go well for you, but uh yeah thats that.

again, if people have further questions im willing to answer them i just might take a while bc i have school and other stuff 2 do but uhhh yea sorry if im clogging ur dash sjfjfkkf

#asks #long post #anonymous #pansexuality #biphobia #transphobia #my post

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wormywormz · 5 years ago

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GASP!!!! TELL ME SOME DETAILS ABT THE SWAP!!!!

OK im gonna go a bit more in depth about characters/plot that i cant really put into drawingz. plz enjoy

(major spoilers for the first 3 professor layton games and pretty much everything in ace attorney. ill keep out of huge spoilers for the prequel pl games because i know you havent played those yet ghostie!)

to preface: ive never played plxaa and i dont know what happens in it but the idea of layton in a courtroom and phoenix solving puzzles really tickled me so i wanted to like do that but as a whole thing

i really dont know how to word this correctly but the plots for each games are essentially the same just told in different ways (as layton youd be solving the crimes in court instead of out on the street using puzzles and the same for phoenix but like the opposite) i briefly entertained the idea of layton having to solve a puzzle to get someones testimony but since its a complete swap it doesnt make sense for both layton and phoenix to be solving puzzles in different situations. still really good though

while the plots are the same theyre toned down a lot for layton (lost future isnt clive trying to destroy london because his parents died he like… killed the prime minister because his parents died) and more extreme for phoenix (i dont have an example really but the first game would probably be more about the von karmas/miles with professor layton type stakes. like a mech or something)

thats the basics for the stories i wont go into specific games because this would be very long and id only talk about lost future, the best game

laytons original motivations for becoming a defense attorney are spoilers for miracle masks entire plot so i wont go into it but claire was also a big motivator for that. her trial went down awfully and layton was already looking into law so that was probably what solidified that motivation. hes still the same character overall though, hes just a gentleman

luke is.. literally just the same character except he was an important witness in laytons first big trial & then went on to become his apprentice you know how it goes from there

i cant go into anything about descole so instead ill touch on floras character. the lawyer layton (working title) stories would be played out chronologically (spectres call to lost future) layton adopts her halfway through his career and she tags along to crime scenes a lot, much to laytons dismay

im gonna make a stark decision and say layton either gets disbarred or retires not long after lost future (he keeps adopting kids during his career and at some point he goes “hmmm maybe i should take care of them”) katrielle wants to follow in her fathers footsteps so she takes on an apollo-like role and becomes a defense attorney. yeah this means phoenix is the one who goes missing

phoenix is an arts professor! i lean more towards drawing instead of theatre but also it doesnt really matter. he never found out what happened to miles all those years ago so he didnt do any drastic career changes. hes very fond of puzzles but sometimes he would like people to give him information without having to solve a puzzle first

you guys remember andrew schrader? no? cool thats who mias swapped with. she stays alive and probably teaches something cool like criminology. i dont think she really tags along on adventures but shes a good friend to phoenix

maya is also essentially the same character. obviously since mia doesnt die im gonna say she lives with her but whenever phoenix finds himself wrapped in a new mystery shes immediately by his side

miles is interesting: his father was an avid puzzle solver, and he shared the same affinity for them as a child. hes also the reason phoenix is so fond of puzzles today. he still…. sort of enjoys puzzles as an adult. but its definitely something hes embarrassed about thanks to manfred drilling it into him his whole childhood that puzzles are dumb or whatever. you know how manfred is.

he used to give phoenix hints for free as a kid but he REFUSES to give any hints as an adult, even when offered hint coins (all his unlocked hints would be some degree of “too difficult for you, wright?” or something. i dont know dialogue but hopefully you get the gist)

alright thats it. this is really long and i dont think ive touched on everything but this is probably a good place to end it. if youre still reading this thank you. i hope this post is actually readable

#this reminds me of a puzzle!#stuck-in-the-ghost-zone #professor layton #ace attorney #im not tagging every character LOL

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irl-futaba-sakura · 6 years ago

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i just need to vent a little, i’ll prolly delete this in like 20 min cuz thats just how i am, a regret machine lmao :U

i’m at the point where i feel like i need to run away and become a new person, leaving everything behind, or i’ll just end up a dead body somewhere where nobody can find me

first thing is first, i’m venting here because i need the aspect of people potentially seeing, but i dont really want anyone to talk to me because i 100% will just shut down if that happens. if you wanna show support or whatever, a link on this post is enough, honestly. it shows me someone did read it, but i dont expect anything more, if even that at all. just wanted to clear that up. “positive talk” shit just makes me feel worse too so please dont send me anything thanks.

i dont mean that to be alarming tbh, its just that i felt that the last year was great for recovering and trying to be a normal ass human being, but i was only recovering from one thing (dumbass delusions and hallucinations that kept me from functioning like a normal person, often too much for me to even want to move from one spot in my room, etc but its for the most part passed save a few “leftovers” i guess i’ll call them, yeah i know im crazy fuck off) and not the many other things i needed to learn how to do to be a functional and useful adult in society

for fucks sake im 25 and i havnt had a stable job in years, and the only real job ive had was literally asking me to be faster than i could humanly go, spending breaks crying in the bathroom so i didnt break down in front of all the residents at the old folks home. doing art is... cool and all but its not stable and thats all my fault.

im afraid that no matter if i get hired anywhere ill just loose the job in a year or less. if not for the fact that im the most useless thing then it will be my health issues that my previous job (the fuckign NURSES EVEN) treated like normal pain even though i lay in bed or the bathroom floor crying and throwing up pain killers. i havnt been able to see a professional for a diagnosis or even a fuckign checkup since before i was in high school.

for the first time in a while iv ebeen wanting some way to punish myself for all the things i¿’ve done, or not done, or whatever. i havnt done anything yet anyway, though i have had time to consider some things that are pretty overall harmless but at least effective. i dunno.

because i feel like everything is my fault.

this life i was given, somehow its my fault. punishment for not finishing school and being a useless body barely considered for any kind of job. punishment for not being able to please the people i care the most about. punishment for trying to figure my shit out on my own. punishment for this and that and the other thing.

im living a burden’s life

at this exact moment i want nothing more than to just casually disappear and jujst suddenly be someone else, if anyone at all. let me start over in anohter ountry, another body, adnother sret of problems that are hopefully not a hinderance to me getting a job and being a decent and useful body in whatever society i end up in. i guess the body part is unrealistick outside of the slight possibility of reincarnation after death, but that assumes i would reincarnate into something sentient enough to have these problems to begin with. after all im not sure i deserve another human life after this one.

but i dont really want to give up the like three people i talk to, the like four maybe five hobbies or things that interest me, the general place i live in... its not half bad here, other than being cold as fuck. theres clean water, the worst natural problem is floods, snow or tornadoes, all which are more managable than not. hell theres even gonna be a round1 opening here soon.

im afraid of the ghosts in the house now

ghosts cant really hurt you right, but the thought of seeing one, encountering one, im too scared to do things like go to the basement and do my laundry, walk around the house when im home alone. at most i may go to the kitchen to make food, i would be safer in my bed or at my desk so i will stay there.

if i see one of their faces i wont stop thinking about it, i wont wanna even be left alone, so i cant go places i need sometimes. i dont know...

im afraid of living away from the people i have gotten used to seeing every day. i have not enough merits on my own to keep myself afloat, not till i can finish school and even then i lost my high schookl records and e¿wehnerbrt i have money to potentially go to school again i only have so much and little time here ant there and i will need more for the bus, i cant do this as easily i widh i col. its stupid i hate it i hate myself for being so fucking fifficult and i wish i wan literally anyone else who didnt have to have fucked up so badly in their past that im undesirable in jobs. i dont have antyhign worth giving.

i look like shit now, i was beign a bit okay but now stress made me ugly again. i dont want to bee seen outside or by anyone at all ever. can i live my whole life behind a screen? i wish. my dental issues are worse and worse and i cant fuckign afford it and it makesd me looks like a mess and nasty even tho i cake taker of mytselff i tri i really do i wish i oculd be beetttr, i dont talk to anyone bcu im too sacred of thesm now and i lost sll my fredins but i dnt want them back at all becasude im too scared to sau hey i meedds up im sorryu im not cry typing i cnat get mu brasin to process it too fast im sorru hten barely reassable sorry

i guess if dgonna be hard to reas im sonna stor then bye

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indigo-starcatcher · 7 years ago

Conversation

Don't read if you don't feel up to it; just a long vent about how I've been.

My mind has been overloaded with a million racing thoughts and opinions lately. I think this is what happens when our mindsets rapidly grow or mature, but I don’t really know so I suppose I’ll just... dump my mind here. Keep scrolling if you’re not up to a big, long vent session from yours truly.

I’m in art school, and despite everyone advising me to not focus in on one career path/goal/corporation to work for, I’ve done just that. They’ll remain nameless. And I don’t think people realize how absolutely tough art school is. I honestly can’t think of a more competitive field. Because honestly, it’s all talent. You can go in to other fields, for example the medical field, and the person next to me gunning for the same career can learn the same information. There may be different jobs for that degree, and yes there is competition still that I don’t deny, but you get my point; it’s there for all of us in black and white. With art, there are so many outlets and so many different styles and facets. It’s super easy to get bogged down and if I’m being honest I’m bogged down 100% of the time. It’s not always as prevalent; some days are better than others, like anything else. But when you see the work of others who are farther than you/at the top/where you’re EXPECTED to be in a few years time, it’s extremely intimidating, even if you can see yourself visibly improving. Ill put it this way. Have you ever been in a dream, and you simultaneously see yourself running ahead of you, out of body, while still feeling disconnected from yourself, like you aren’t (AND ARE NEVER GOING TO) go anywhere? That’s how I’ve felt since trying to become an artist. And yes, I understand that I’m still in school and that this place is for learning; I’ve never denied that I am still, and will forever be in, the process of learning but.. what if I never stop feeling this way? What if I can never catch up to myself and become what I’m supposed to? I feel as if when you think of top Illustrators, or even good illustrators, in my year.. I wouldn’t be thought of. I can think of a few off the top of my head that most would agree with being the “best” of our class. Which! Also some would argue “there can’t be the best, because styles differ”. I think that’s false. Technique, consistency, and rules of composition all come into play with any kind of illustration – they can be measured across any style. That is how you know who is the best, regardless. Long story short, I feel like my dream is so, SO far out of reach. It also doesn’t help that teachers reinforce the idea that we won’t get our dream jobs. Which, I get. There’s rejection in life and you can’t always get what you want. But you also can.

In regards to (TW: EATING DISORDERS). I think that people think that because you’re not actively acting upon an eating disorder that you’re magically cured and that its gone and everything is a-okay again. No, that is not how eating disorders and dysmorphia work. I will never, ever be able to rid my brain of this. I say this with absolute confidence, and it’s not for lack of trying. I’ve been thru a lot of different stages with my body; heavy, thin, muscular. No matter where I am, I’m never truly happy. I see the cellulite, the dimples. I check how far my stomach pokes out every morning compared to when I go to sleep at night. When I lay down, I – out of habit – run my hands over my ribcage to see if I can still feel that tiny divot in between my two rib cages. I run my hands over my hipbones to make sure I can still feel them. And while I don’t feel that I should physically look like a skeleton, they’re my measuring points; not so much for gaining real weight, but if I’ve eaten too much in a day, I wont feel my ribs. No good. Eat less tomorrow. Look in the mirror. Check your calves. Your thighs. Your stomach. The little spot that connects your underarms to your pectorals. They’re getting fatty. If I get fit? I feel like I can eat and eat and eat. I gain the weight back. Cant eat as much. Cut down to low calories? Doesn’t work. As a result I ate, and ate too much that day? Hmm, the toilet and my fingers look pretty inviting. But I can’t. But boy do I think about it. It’ll never. Ever. Go away. If its not acted upon in a destructive way, its ingrained in negative little ticks and habits that will always be there. No matter how thin or fit I am. My brain is a parasite and my body is its host.

On a? More positive note? As far as other humans are concerned, I’ve lost a lot of people that I thought would be around forever (this gets better, I promise). Both in the physical sense, and relationship sense. It used to absolutely tear me apart when someone that I thought was my best friend would leave me. I’d go into a deep depression for months, wondering what I did to drive them away. At this point in my life, having experienced the worst possible death I can imagine (thus far; I know there are/will be much worse to come) I’ve realized that with those around me who are still alive, I cannot be bothered by pettiness or bullshitting around opinions anymore. I don’t have time to sugarcoat my opinions. I know what you’re thinking; I’m not a very tolerant person. This is not in regards to acceptance of others or anything like that, so don’t misread me. I simply mean that I’m learning to stand up for myself. Put my foot down. Tell people how it is in regards to fairness and what’s okay/what isn’t. I didn’t used to do that, and I’m proud of myself. I see what others deserve and if they aren’t getting it, good or bad, I tell them. I see what /I/ deserve, and dammit, I know that I don’t think very highly of myself. But I know that I deserve good things, and I will not let people just treat me like a temporary decoration on their shelves anymore.

For THIS much, I am proud of me. I just hope for the other parts of me to improve. Hopefully a little bit?

#vent #rant #personal

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justanotherangryartist-blog · 8 years ago

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Everything wrong with me.

hold on to your seats folks, this is gonna be a hell of a list.

disclaimer: I don't promote self hate, I'm merely trying to come to terms with my own issues. if you feel anything like I do, I suggest you seek out professional help, tell your loved ones and hold on. they say it gets better and for your sake I hope it does. be strong everyone.

......

so lets get right into it shall we

ill start by saying these are both mental and physical flaws I have that have dragged me down and I feel that if I say them out loud, or even type them, it'll hopefully hit home cuz lord knows I need a right kick up the ass right now

1. I'm impatient.

let me clarify this, I know it seems pretty easy to get but bare with me. I mean impatient in both the normal sense that I hate things taking time and in the way that the worse my depression gets the more I want instantaneous results, I make fictional plans in my head with very precise deadlines and time frames in which to get certain tasks done. if they don't happen I get very upset even though these are fictional situations I am imagining. I also cant make myself do things in actual life if it falls out of what I call the “ideal time” which basically means if its not initiated or done all together within a certain time frame? its not getting done at all, like ever.

2. I have an addictive personality.

yeah, we all know this can be bad, even those of us with it but we somehow manage to full people into thinking we got it under control, that we are just passionate. which is total bollox and we know it. for example, I get addicted to people, which is a huge problem as I tend to put them on a pedestal and when they don't live up to this or do something bad or cruel, instead of getting mad then moving on, my whole world with crumble, because at the time, they would've been my world. it doesn't just end there. I never really let go.

3. I’ve got a gambling problem.

this is both in the lottery, scratch card and such kinda way and the more dangerous way of ill gamble with things such as people and relationships. I just had to delete the lottery app from my phone just before I started writing this post because I know how bad its getting, I wasted money that I should've been saving since I'm out of work on lottery games cuz the mere tiny chance that I could win money and make my situation better was worth it in my eyes. I even stole money from my ten year old brothers piggy bank when I had no money in my account to bet and I had to go to the shop to buy a lottery ticket. the worst part is I had no remorse or regret at the time. I also gamble with relationships I've had, pushing boundaries just to feel the high, flipping the metaphorical coin to see if I'm gonna get lucky or not and continuing to flip it till its all gone to ruin.

4. I eat away my pain.

I'm severely obese for my age and the only reason I can still move is because of my fondness of walking. I gorge on food to stop the thoughts in my head. the easiest way to explain it is when you're watching TV and eating crisps and you have to pause the TV cuz you cant hear it over the sound of the crunch of the crisps. its deafening. the more I eat, the less I hear the thoughts coursing through my mind telling me how much of a failure I am. the more weight I gain the more withdrawn I get, the less I change out of pyjamas because nothing fits, the less I wash or put on makeup or do anything because giving a shit means excepting what's happened and what people see.

5. I overshare.

not just my problems, but everything. infact I tend to warp my own problems somehow when I talk about them so they don't seem so bad and then I drown out my own concerns and others peoples lack of understanding by just chatting to fill the silence. people hate it. or atleast that's the vibe they give off. even my parents, always asking if I'm done yet or why I didn't use up all my words during the day. I just cant stop. the more people don't get what I'm trying to say (which is a lot cuz I never really know how to talk about my actual emotions) the more I talk rubbish. then theres times when I'm talking about something that makes me happy to the point of excess and I just get so mad because nobody understands that the only reason I'm doing so is this is the only way I know how to put emphasis on “ok this makes me happy, be happy that I'm happy, help replicate this feeling”. I hate that I'm like this.

6. I don't know how to tell people how I'm feeling.

I hide behind my sense of humour a lot because I just don't know how to explain why I feel the way I feel, like the world makes no sense why my emotions change so rapidly, why I'm scared to sleep in my on room anymore why I avoid talking about the future because I live minute to minute not knowing what the next hour brings but if you say these things people just get upset and say things like “are you taking your medication?” “why don't you just talk to someone?” “why don't you try x, y and z” when all I want is someone to sit there, understand me and be like “I get it, and here's what WE ARE going to do and then you will be better. it doesn't work like that though, so I don't say anything, because what's the point of voicing a problem if you don't have a solution right? then you just sound depressed and no one wants to hear that.

7. I lose faith in my own ability. a lot.

I normally like to think I'm a good artist, that I'm great at makeup, that I'm good with children, that I'm a good listener, that I'm a good writer, that I'm wise that I'm smart that I'm clever. I don't think that much anymore. see a seed of doubt was planted in my mind and my issue was I was the one that let it grow. I lost my mojo with my art because nowadays I do it in hopes I can sell my pieces online to pay something off, this fact then triggers a chain reaction that leads to me doubting its selling potential, that my works not good enough at all, that being commercial would kill my talent, that I have no talent at all, that all my works shit and then all I can think about is painting USED to make me feel good. now its tainted by thoughts about my lack of talent, my lack of commercial value, and the fact that a moment spent painting is a moment that that house isn't getting cleaned and the bills aren't getting paid.

8. I'm scared of everything.

everything these days sends me into a panic. noises, debts, responsibility, the way people look or talk to me, anything and everything. its like everything's new and horrible again, I'm having to re learn how to go outside my own house and how to talk on the phone because everything's so terrifying. noises upset me because they signify life going on around me at an alarming pace and I just cant calm down with everything so loud in my ear its deafening, cant you hear it? even now as I write this I find myself rocking on my seat as I try to calm myself down. my minds so loud that even turn my head feels like whiplash, like everything's to fast and the only way I know how to cure it is to shut it off to shut it all off. it cant touch me if I don't move. life cant find me if I'm sleeping.

9. I sleep too much.

sleep is putting it lightly. what I really mean is I shut down a lot. it works for computers right? have you tried turning it on and off again? how many times before it reboots, I silently wonder if ill ever reboot or if they'll have to take me in and get my parts replaced. I silently hope they do. I mean how many times have you taken a broken laptop or ipod in to discover its go a broken screen or keypad or memory and you're gonna have to fork out a lot of money to fix that single component only for another component to break a month later, how many times have you just bought a new laptop, secretly happy that you don't have to deal with the damaged one anymore. I sleep to fix my single component knowing full well my batteries gonna go out soon anyway. wont someone just buy a new one of me?

10. I'm a bitter person.

I should mention the importance of the present tense. I'm not becoming, I'm already here, but the thing is ive not always been bitter either. I used to be happy, bit fat, bit emotional but happy. I prided myself on the fact I could make people laugh and I would get upset at myself if someone thought I was anything less than happy, because then they weren't happy. now I don't give two shits. ive become bitter, angry, selfish and cold. id say all I care about is myself but I don't even care about me. I'm angry that the world continues on without me fully present, I hate the fact that I hate myself and that I don't look good, that I'm not healthy. I fear no one will love me or truly connect with me and so ive become a recluse to the point that even when I do go out I seldom have anything to really talk about except for how unhappy I am. I see very little hope on the horizon, the few moments I have are in my own head usually, which just adds to my bitterness for not being able to properly enjoy reality. every interaction I have is tainted with bitterness over trying to enjoy myself in the first place when there is so much wrong in my life. I hate who I have become.

IN SHORT.... I HATE MYSELF.

its kind of poetic that as I finished that sentence the sun came out and the warmth hit me right through the window. I find myself almost smiling, breathing evenly as I type, almost happy to get it off my chest. to admit that I hate myself? its actually a relief, because now I can try to work towards doing something about it. I'm not naïve enough to think this'll solve everything, I know there will be days where I continue to hate myself and try to self sabotage my own efforts to get better. I'm not stupid enough to tell you guys that I have a plan of action because as a person who lives for instruction, I can tell you I have no clue what I'm gonna do to get better, and I wont leave you (if anyone actually does read this) thinking that it gets better instantly. see what I mean about the bitterness? but I will say this, I am secure and resolute in the fact that I don't like who I am, I am resolute in the fact that I don't have an immediate solution, but this doesn't mean I wont try to find one. could take days, could take months, could go one direction then stop and turn back, it doesn't matter because in accepting that there's something wrong I have only one direction to go in.

May anyone else struggling with these issues find the strength to accept your flaws and begin your road to recovery, or atleast take the exit for recovery and maybe stop at a pitstop for a while before heading on down that route, I aint gonna judge. Ill see you there.

#deppression #self harm #suicide #self image #self hatred #recovery #help #healing #trigger warning #bitter #fat #angry #sad #anxious #anxiety #depressed #hate #how to hate yourself

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thevagabondlog · 7 years ago

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Ive been staring at this blank page for an hour now. I haven’t written a shred of anything in close to a year, but I feel like the current set of circumstances right now dictate it. Hermes guides me. I haven’t even written a draft by hand like I normally do, Im just letting this come out and it feels great.

The last two, maybe even three years of my strange trip on this planet have been such a surreal high paced blur. Ive come to realize that I do too much in too short a time, too many places visited, people met, things done in the dead of night and the overwhelming heat of the day. A few strings busted, a few hearts broken. Nothing out of the ordinary except the fact that my address is still changing every month and I’m still getting lost daily, both in reality and in my mind. Not that I’d change it for the world. I don’t even know who exactly reads this garbage but if you still are, know this is going to be a long one. Ive got a lot on my mind, time is on my side and there’s nowhere I need to be.

Everyday in the Caribbean is incredibly hot and sticky. Every night is mysterious and romantic.

Writing this is simultaneously difficult and surprisingly easy. Its difficult to explain whats been shredding through my head the last few months or however bloody long. Since I last attempted to write, if you can call it that, Ive since been through a serious and drama filled breakup with my long term girlfriend back home, been to seven countries including South Africa ( more on that later ), morphed back into the older Joshua Palmer and basically been running a permanent anarchic riot around the world. As I write now, its once again a hot day in the Bahamas and my head is still swirling with Ricardo Black Rum from the previous night. Special Edition, of course.

Church of the Open Sky.

April 5 - April 26, three weeks back in the motherland after more than a year and a half overseas. A lot of expectations held, almost none of them met. Im not quite sure why, but looking back now in June I realize i didn’t enjoy my stay there at all. Highlights include seeing my parents again (they wept) and one or two close friends who I’m not even sure are still friends at this stage. I came to realize I hate most of the people that fill up my tiny coastal hometown, largely due to the fact that they’re all hypocritical judgmental small minded people who have never been anywhere farther than the gas station in the next town. Keep in mind that these are the same people that said I’d never amount to anything and Id be back home after a month of failed traveling searching for a job running a yacht. Choke on your words. Anyhow, I also got told numerous times that I’d changed completely, becoming much more ‘arrogant’, ‘rude’, ‘insensitive’ etc to the people around me. I suppose in a way I was, but then everyone back in that place is easily offended and so narrow minded it makes me want to shoot myself. I suppose Im much happier over here, on my own and fending for myself, in foreign countries where I don’t know anyone, and all I know is where North-East is. The entire time I was back there, I couldn’t wait to come back to the West Indies. It feels good getting these thoughts down, they’ve been bouncing around my head for too long now.

I was dancing with some girl in a club a month or two ago and in-between reggaetron and soca she asked me a question no one has ever asked before: “Where do you consider home?” I really don’t know. Definitely not back in my hometown, I don’t plan on setting foot in that place for another twenty years at least. Its not on the boat either, nor on any of the islands. Id have to say home is wherever I feel alive the most. Which just so happens to be fifteen feet underwater looking up.

May 4 - Twentieth birthday in Georgetown, Exumas, Bahamas. Largely uneventful, frankly boring and unsatisfying. Mind you I was working at the time so of course the celebrations were minimal to non existent.

January 2017 - Current.

Adopted really strange sleeping patterns similar to a Russian insomniac writer fighting his bouts of suicidal depression with vodka and pharmaceuticals. I don’t know what this stems from other than my erratic lifestyle of mainly working onboard the entire day and still getting drunk at local bars into the early hours of every new day.

Right now its summer and every heat wave day is longer than the last.

I have lost interest in a lot of people who I once thought important. I do not know if this is selfish on my part or all just part of moving around constantly, or just one of those things you deal with as you get older. I have been told numerous times that I’m not going to make it past thirty, and for some reason or other I’m embracing the thought. Go out in a strange and mysterious accident of sorts somewhere out at sea, that place that once gave birth to me. Ill let you know.

For the past few weeks I have also had these increasingly frequent urges to just pack up, delete my Facebook and go completely off the grid, getting lost in strange and exotic foreign places. Lawrence of Arabia in Morocco. Not knowing the unknown is turning me on more and more everyday, as well as the idea of just giving the finger to all the people back home who are getting married young, stuck in nine-to-fives that they hate, and coming home to deal with the mortgage and car insurance people. I left the country the first time with no actual plan, one bag and sixty dollars in my pocket and I don’t regret a single moment. And I don't mean all those cliche travel pictures and utter bullshit you see on social media telling you to just ‘pack up and go’, I mean actually deserting myself. Exile on Main St. Highway Child. Midnight Rambler.

The lust for this has never been greater. I keep asking myself just what is holding me back?

My biggest fear is living a life just like everyone else, a life that no one remembers. Why should I listen to any authority or second guess myself? Time will tell and hopefully sooner or later. And if I’m not mistaken, and I surely hope not, I may have found someone to do it with. A woman unlike anyone else Ive met or ever known before. A woman who, somehow exceeds everything I think about her constantly and is basically the exact fibre of my dream girl since I was fifteen. Physically outrageous, a beautiful figure. Mentally, she keeps me on my toes only because I hope to somehow match her standards. Well travelled and with such an eerily alike mind to my own its more than possible we were once together in an earlier life. My best efforts of a description is a glorious hybrid of a gypsy, voodoo witch, mermaid, and the Goddess Aphrodite all in one. With a sprinkling of a rebellious 1960’s mindset which only turns me on further. Making love to her only broke my mind in two and made me question everything. She’s everything I ever wanted from every rock and roll song Ive listened to, and she’s in all of them. And believe it or not I only knew her for three days before she flew off again, once more traveling. While Im starting to feel a little stuck in this place. Most would say Im crazy, but I already knew that.

I do wonder what, and how exactly she’s had such an effect on me. It makes me look back at every other girl I’ve ever been with and realize that they do not even come close to her or the psycho-electric effect she has on me. And if you know me, you’d know I dont feel like this to anyone, ever. She’s touched me deep down, and the next few months or years or whatever only promise to be very exciting.

Im trying, and not succeeding very well, to look back at everything over the past few months and years, if you couldn’t tell by now. How many people did I meet for five minutes and never see again? Friends or lovers for one night and then gone the next day never to be seen? I look at what all my ‘friends’ are doing back home, studying in their first or second year. My best friend living with his fiancee and hating every second, constant fighting and the such but too scared to leave because he believes he loves her and well, believes he cant do any better. In love with the security and constant hard work I suppose. A friend through the grapevine told me recently that he has lost respect for me and hates the lifestyle I live. I wont lie and tell you I wasn’t hurt or taken aback. We’ve spent four years together, done much, and always confided in one another. Is he jealous of the knowledge that Im traveling the world, free and easy, able to go to the bar every night and dance with exotic girls while he is forced to come home after work to a nagging unloving bitch that makes his life hell? He would never admit that. Im not scared to tell it exactly how it is though. Another trait passed on to me from my father, whom I miss so.

If I had never made the decision to leave all those months ago would I be in the same position as my friend right now? Maybe. More than likely, I was in a long term relationship with someone I thought I loved, about to get sucked into that domesticated world before I jumped ship. Haven’t seen her since actually. Thanks for the memories girl, but you weren’t for me.

Life would be very different and it would bore me to death. I prefer dying in other ways in places where no one understands English.

Now my thoughts go back to my unbiological sister, we once were very close. Always looking after one another, often mistaken to be a couple but not. I thought I was in love with her too, but she’s changed so dramatically in the time I was away I hardly recognized her anymore during my homecoming visit. She lied to me many times in those three weeks, thinking I wouldn’t find out, and probably still thinking Im ignorant. Makes me wonder why we are like we are. She told me I changed a lot too and I’m no longer the Josh she knew, that I’ve grown cold and distant. Well look at yourself babe, can you really blame me? Its only further cemented my belief that you need to keep moving forward in such a way that they will never trap you or hold you down, until finally you find someone that you want to be trapped with. You know who you are.

“I thought you needed my lovin’, But it’s my heart that you stole. I thought you wanted my money, But you plundered my soul.”

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estonem1 · 6 years ago

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I said I never expect anything. And I think I don’t. Or maybe just the effort. But its not like expecting, its more like secretly, deep down in my heart wanting it, hoping for it, praying.

Maybe this sounded selfish. Like I do things just to get em in return? And maybe I am selfish or maybe I am not even if you perfectly know how to point me how selfish I am and that I never understand things. And you perfectly know how to bring up something to end up you being the one whos always right. I mastered at apologizing and at rethinking everything in my head just to convice myself that Im the one with the issues. The one who makes thing hard and makes you upset. The one spreading the negativity and causing the problems. All this and lil bit more things that doesnt matter to be added up cuz “maybe this too is all in my head too” as you would say. You said its ME- IM THE ONE WHO CHANGED AND LOST TRUST NOT YOU. Even if I accepted this I wasn’t sure its me being the problem. Maybe at first yes but now im pretty sure Its not the problem. I still trust you even sometimes can be hard I still choose to trust you. So yeh I dont think I lost trust, i started doubting your love. Is it again my fault? If you think YES, this time I wont apologize. I would just kindly tell you to think again. Go back to the old days? Since when all the attention started to fade lil by lil... And then from all day texts and fast replies while having conversations you ended up just hittin me up few mins a day which r forced some of em. Like an obligation. ITS NOT HOW IT USED TO BE. I ll never be happy if relationship becomes rutine. Whenever I tried to tell you smth that makes me upset you would said that I am overreacting, spreading negative energy and that Im not capable to understand. And maybe I am not capable to understand cuz I know nothing SO I CAN HAVE SMTH THAT I can understand. YOU DA ONE WHO DOESNT UNDERSTAND! You know everything yet still act the same. You said you r not like that to tell me everything, you r not the one that wanna be controled and that you ve changed and ur not the same as you were before me. Its okay. I guess.

Not being priority its okay. Feeling confused is okay. Being unsure its okay. Maybe not atm but eventually it will be sometime soon. When this all will make sense...Hopefully

Since then Im letting you know this. Conversations about everything and anything when we started talking. I miss that SHIT SO MUCH(writing this made my eyes water). You think you know me now? Or you just unbothered cuz you know Im yours now? *I dont expect us to talk all day like those days but nowadays I barely tell you anything thats happening or Im going through just because I dont feel like you being bothered by that. You ve said “write me whenever u wanna talk. Talk to me whenever you upsed”. And I did that. I was doing that. But not anymore...

Maybe you will be kind to listen to me If i start talkin BUT WHY DONT U BE KIND ENOUGH to ask me if there s smth I wanna talk about. You think you know me now u say this to often but so you wrooong. You dont know HOW MUCH INTROVERT CAN I BE. I just chose to not be like that with you cuz I FELT safe and free. IF WE R NOT EACH OTHERS SAFE PLACE THEN WHATS THE POINT OF US BEING TOGETHER?

My detaly explained thoughts, night outs, hanging out with friends bunch of stuff I did without you COMPARED to your “it was fine. I had great time” or “Im having hard time. Im stressed but dont know why” answers to my questions. I know you know most of the time but just dont wanna speak it out. Or just dont wanna tell it to me. Maybe this who you are but yet you choose who you are and how you are( you told me this)

Its just being me writing this ... seems like never ending paragraph written with the words spilled from my heart while instead of doing this i should finish my last pages. This time aint wasted. Everything connected to you its worth it. Im in doubt If ill show u this these days or ever but If I decide that I would I hope for the next. That you read this with your mind focused and free from stubborness. Cuz this is the truth.

Love is willing to do so much for someone. It s hard but you try. I could try to turn the world upside down if that makes you happier. Sounds foolish, impossible and thats typical me BUT I SWEAR I WILL TRY.

Your name and WRITING WITH COLORFUL LETTERS”I LOVE YOU “POPS UP IN MY HEAD as soon as open my eyes in the morning while rollin to take my phone to check if you wrote smth.

I feel physically sick when you are not around. When I know that I’m not going to see you for a few days, weeks even month its seems so hard to find something to look forward to.

You are my morning thoughts, afternoon thoughts, night thoughts. Could never be too busy to forget about you. And thats the thing ... You are in constant rush. Sadly maybe even too busy to remember me.

Laying next to you, feeling your body warmth and your hand in mine is heaven on the earth. Like suddenly everything makes sense.

Our first night together I asked for you to be honest and if you dont have feelings to tell me and leave me. I think I forgot to add up something so here you go. If all you do is because it became habit stop it. If you aint feeling it in your soul, if you aint excited about it like the first time.

If you cant relate with all above dont be selfish and be honest as you say you are and as i believe that u are and tell me you aint ready. You said “I STARTED THIS” so now Im givin you the right to finish it. Its hard but dont make it harder for yourself. I could wait forever but only if you re willing to try.

ALWAYS

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blog-optimisticcoffeestuden-blog · 6 years ago

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What’s the best laptop insurance for a student?

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My Asus laptop is one year old with the warranty about to expire and I am about to start at Box Hill Tafe so I need to get insurance, it has to be full coverage. Thanks

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://freecarinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr

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I have always wondered about this.... say you were in a car accident with canceled insurance/ no insurance....but the next day you pay it. Then you reprt the accident, will they cover you?""

Staying on my mother's health insurance?

I'm 19 years old, in good health, and moving out. My mother has been laid off and is getting a job out of state which is forcing me to move out (i'm not complaining just informing). She will be on cobra health insurance until the new job's health insurance kicks in but I was wondering if I'd still be able to be covered under her new job's insurance if we aren't living together. The only reason I ask this is because I am currently working part time at a job that offers health insurance but it is $70 per month. If it were up to me I'd go without health insurance but she informed me that it is required by law now (yay). I've read in some places that I would be able to stay covered by my mother's insurance until age 26 but I've also read in other places that if my job offers health insurance I cannot be covered on someone else's as a dependent. I live in Georgia if that matters! Any tips/suggestions welcomed, thanks!""

Insurance pricing difference with different car brands?

Hey there guys- Recently I have begun to look for a car (my first, as I am a new driver), and have a question for the more experienced. I have been looking at things like '04 Jettas, Audi A4's, Infiniti G35's, and the like. I understand that my age, gender (male), and lack of experience are going to directly affect the price of the insurance. But my question is, what will be the price difference between something like an '04 Volkswagen Jetta and an 04' Audi A4? Both seem to be in the same category of sedan, but I suppose Audis have a little more reputation for being sporty. Suppose there is not significant performance difference between the cars, they are both valued roughly the same, and have roughly the same mileage, what will the difference in insurance rates be and why? Is it possible to give me a rough idea of what I could expect? Thanks in advance!""

Car Insurance and good grades ?

I hate All state as insurance. I am in college, how high does my GPA have to be and also how much do they lower insurance for having good grades?""

Is it possible to give car insurance benefits to my boyfriend?

Im going out of the country next week, I will not be coming back until the first few days of january. My boyfriend is currently staying at my house and he has no means of transportation. (He is 20 years old, and his car completely broke down--our location is Dallas TX.) I was wondering if it was possible to add him under my father's car insurance plan, with him being a non-family member. ANY information is helpful and greately appreciated. Please, no dumb comments as this is of great importance to us.""

""Will Core buy me a home, car, insurance, cares, etc? I want to switch to Core from Wells Fargo.?""

I want to switch from Wells Fargo to Core, because I'm tired of Wells fargo withdrawing 5 dollars a month for service fee from my Checking Account. I thought about depositing my savings to Wells Fargo, but I don't have a savings account; I only have checking and I can't afford to pay to open up a savings. I want to switch to Core, because there's no monthly service fee. But is Core right for buying a Home, Car, Insurances, etc? How do you feel about this?""

Haggling Car insurance?

I am 20 years old Guy, and my car insurance is up for renewal, i have a Peugeot 306 hdi 2.0 turbo diesel. I have 2 years driving experience, however only have had a car for 1 year. I have had no claims, no tickets, no points on my lisence. Im Fully Comprehensive, live in a good area, have no criminal record, and park my car on the drive. I have my father, a Police Officer with 30 years no claims and 30 years experience as a named driver on my insurance. My Insurance last year was 1400 (steep yeah) and now its up for renewal i have had a quote of 1100. To me, this seems really steep seeing as surely by now i have proved that i am not some boy racer with a deathwish. My question is, do you guys think ill be able to get this price down with alittle haggling, what would you expect to pay for insurance if you where in my situation?""

Breast implants covered by insurance in houston tx?

I heard some doctors bill your insurance for your breast augmentation surgery. Any one heard of this if so where?

Need to purchase car insurance.. what do I do?

I got into a minor accident a couple of days ago and I did not have insurance. It was my parents' car and the damages have already been paid for from my personal savings. Now, I am going to get car insurance. The question here is if I want to get insured, do I have to report to car insurance companies of my accident? If yes, why? How would the company possibly know I got into an accident? Also, do insurance companies screen your driver's license? If so, how much more money per year can I expect to pay for 2 points on my license for an average 20 year old? Yes, I'm not the smartest for having drove without insurance, hence, the reason why I am getting insurance.""

Is this normal for auto insurance?

I have got quote from almost all the comapnies, esurance, geico, state farm, farmers, allstate, and some more . All of them gave me quotes in the upper $2500 for full coverage. The only one were less was allstate $2100 and Geico for $1400 thats full coverage for 6 months. Do you guys usually pay this much. I'm 21 and this the first time I'm gettin insurance.""

Insurance payments and credit?

A friend of mine says she likes to pay her car insurance in monthly installments (as opposed to in bulk every 6 months) because it helps her credit. I've never heard of this. I told her that she would save money if she paid it all at once (because the insurance company offers a discount for paying in full), but she said paying the extra money was worth the benefit to her credit. She doesn't have credit cards or loans or any type of revolving credit. Is she correct that paying in monthly installments helps her credit?""

What is the basic kind of insurance required by California Law?

What kind of insurance covers something like another driver hitting your car door, and then driving off before you could get their license plate # what is comprehensive , and what is collision, ?""

What's the best way to maximize how much an insurance company will pay for my totaled car?

My well-loved 10 year old Honda Accord was hit today by another driver. Both the other driver and myself are OK but my car was totaled. The other driver's insurance company will be reimbursing me for my vehicle. But I'm afraid that what they will offer for my car will be less than its worth to me in running condition. What's the best way to maximize how much I'll be reimbursed?

Car insurance???????

I'm a first time buyer (23 y/o) but I've been looking at small compact SUVs more so than 4door sedans just because I love them, but What would be a little cheaper for insurance purposes, a sedan or SUV ? I've checked with some insurance companies and they all say different things. Anyone know what would be the better option? Thank you! And I'm looking to get between an 04-2008 vehicle.""

Does it matter how old your vehicle is to get full coverage insurance in oklahoma?

1996 chevy cheyenne

How much will my insurance be affected by a ticket and will my parents have to know i got the ticket?

I am 16 and i just got my first ticket for going 75km in a 50 zone will my insurance go way up now? and will my parents have to come with me to pay my ticket or anything like that?

Which Life Insurance policy best?

Can someone suggest(help) me in advice which Life Insurance policy is best and with Tax benefits, Im planning to get a policy in future""

Illegals can buy health insurance now. If they pay the premiums BCBS will sell them health insurance.?

Is that wrong of Humana and Blue Cross Blue Shield and the other Insurance companies?

What's the best laptop insurance for a student?

My Asus laptop is one year old with the warranty about to expire and I am about to start at Box Hill Tafe so I need to get insurance, it has to be full coverage. Thanks

I am currently finishing my prerequisites to get into nursing school and I am interested in the different...?

I am almost done with the prerequisites and the huge waiting lists for ALL nursing schools...state and community college...are scaring me. I started to look into the trade schools that offer the RN programs and I know they are more expensive but I was wondering if employers look at them differently. If I decide to go to a trade school I wonder if it will be a disadvantage. Could anybody please give me advice. Thank you.

I'm a 17 year old guy wanting to earn some extra money to help pay car insurance what can i do?

I'm a 17 year old guy i'm looking at an extra way of earning some money sensibly to help pay towards my monthly car insurance i already hold a day job any help would be appreciated thanks

Cheap car insurance for a 17 year old male on a Vauxhall Corsa?

I'm looking to buy a 1.0 Litre Corsa, but all quotes are coming out at around 2500. I've even tried the companies that monitor you by GPS and there prices are even more expensive :L Please, any cheap companies, or tips and tricks to get the price down?""

Can i get cheaper car insurance with historical license plates?

can i get cheaper car insurance with historical license plates

Can anybody give a good estimate on how much my insurance would be for me driving a 2002 ford mustang?

Im 16 years old and i'm a girl if that matters. My mom will not let me get one but I really want that to be my first car. Also can you give me some ideas to convince her to let me get it. I really need the actual price of how much the insurance would be.

17 year old motorcycle insurance cost?

Hey I am looking to get my motorcycle license and was wondering what the cost for insurance would be. I already have the motorcycle, a 1982 Yamaha xt125 or I may look into getting a Honda rebel 250. I would just use it for shorter commutes. Any estimates would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.""

What if i bought a used car and didnt get insurance? ?

what would happen if i got into a wreck?

""I'm 27 and I want to get life insurance, what kind is best?""

I don't really understand what 10;15;20 year term life insurance means, or whole life insurance and what company is best but I think I want to get it while I'm young and ...show more""

I double paid home insurance?

I just found out that I paid my homeowners insurance seperate and my morgage is paying for it as well. Its been 2 years....should I ask for a refund or what?

Totaled MINI Cooper. How does insurance value it?

I totaled my wife's 2004 MINI Cooper last night. Waiting to hear back from insurance company. NADA and Kelley both list the retail value about the same. Is that what I should expect in terms of the insurance settlement? I want to be prepare when the call me next week.

How can i get insurance for free during my pregancy? I just found out and i have no insurance?

who can i call to get insurance because im uninsured right now?

How much would car insurance be for a 19 year old?

I just got my license and I know that car insurance can be really expensive for younger people. I was wondering if there is any cheap insurance company? I would love to pay no more than $100, is this possible? Any inside from personal experiences?""

Car insurance question?

I'm gonna ask my dad to add me as a second driver on his car insurance etc. In order god him to do that I think I need to be insured but how can I get insurance if I do not own a car. How does t it work?

About how much is a persons car insurance after a dui?

I had a dui earlier this year that caused a car accident. This was my first time ever having a car accident or even getting a ticket. About how much could my car insurance be a month? Please no negative comments

Online insurance quotes?

I've been surfing the web for insurace quotes. I am a first time car buyer and I am only 16. I want to find a site that can give me a very basic quote, like an area I can be confident in. I DONT want to have to enter my email, phone number or anything else of that matter. Just quick, simple and, well, general. Best site to meet my private requirements? Thanks""

Will my car insurance go up drastically when I buy a new car?

I am looking to buy a new Honda, Accord in a few months and I was wondering how much my insurance will go up seeing how I am 18. Someone said it would be $3000 more a year so please help!!!!""

I cant get car insurance because I have bad credit?

please help! I have just passed my driving test and having a problem getting car insurance im 22 and i got bad credit from catalogs loans and overdrawn i dont own anything like a ...show more

Health Insurance?

I've recently changed jobs. The job that I have right now doesn't offer insurance at the moment. While looking for affordable health insurance I got injured playing soccer (I was diagnosed with torn ACL). Any idea what shoud I do now? According to the doctor the surgery can wait few months. Should I hide my injury from the insurance company and get the insurance, then after some time fix my knee etc? Please help.""

What is the best photographer's insurance in the USA ?

What is the most complete insurance for photographers? (experienced pros only please)? MUST INCLUDE: 1.Injury of photo assistant (eg hired help getting hurt on the job carrying something heavy) 2.Camera/equipment theft and damage I'm not sure if the stuff the PPA sells is really fully complete or just cheap insurance Category Arts & Humanities > Visual Arts > Photography

Which is the best insurance policy for premium of 10 or 12k?

life insurance

What is the best life insurance?

I wouls like to make sure that my partner and my mother are safe if something happens to me. What is the best insurance? Also: Does life insurance also cover critical illness?

How much will the auto insurance cost?

2010 Ford Focus Sedan, how much will the insurance cost?""

Collecting on insurance policy?

Ok, so here it is. A guy hit me, police report said his fault. Totaled my truck and I got a huge amount of med bills. Now I know his insurance co. is payin for my truck and my med bills, but can I also claim on my insurance for pain and suffering, etc?""

""Had a car accident , no insurance ?

I got into a car accident and I have expired insurance. I was wondering if I could pay the late fee on my insurance and would they still pay for my car problems. And for it to get out of the car lot. PGAC is closed today

Will not going to driving school raise insurance?

I'm almost 18 and have not yet attended driving school. I was thinking that I'd just go to the BMV and get my license once I m 18 and not worry about paying so much money for driving school. But I have heard from a few people that insurance later on once I receive a car will be higher since I did not take any driving courses. Is this true? I want to know if it's better to pay a little extra now to go to driving school for lower insurance later? Or if it'd end up being about the same price, anyway, without driving school? (I know all insurance companies are different, but I mean overall/in general?) Please and thank you!""

What's the best laptop insurance for a student?

My Asus laptop is one year old with the warranty about to expire and I am about to start at Box Hill Tafe so I need to get insurance, it has to be full coverage. Thanks

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/north-carolina-auto-insurance-increase-isaiah-gibson/"

0 notes

neo-shitty · 3 years ago

Note

toffee!

ah yeah i suppose ur right. yeah i think quarentine has had that sort of effect on a lot of people :( sorry to hear abt ur strict parents, hopefully ur friend will be able to come back soon. small outings (even with family) are still good tho, make sure ur taking care of urself toff.

youre totally right! ah yes thats good advice (/gen) ill try and use that when im in a slump ty. any music suggestions?

lol sames. even some of the stuff abt seungmin, innie etc is a little uncomfortable, like theyre grown ass men for sure, but at the same time, theyre still young, still just over being a teenager in the grand scheme of things. (on that note, i do struggle with worrying that im infantalising them, obviously theyre adults but at the same time, theyre still young. i do treat all fictional characters as my children, but i guess its different when its real people. idk. what do you think?) yeah some stans rlly need to take a chill pill, some are rlly walking the wire between 'ah theyre attractive/that look rlly suits them' and making fucking smut fics abt minors, like... they do not see a problem with that?? yeah tbh i feel like unless theyre 18 they shouldnt be put into the spotlight, weve seen what it does to peoples mental health, but modern day kpop industry is a lot like old hollywood with a lot of popular child actors -_- hopefully the big companies will learn but i agree, its unlikely

suuuuure toff haha. ill go searching for them, but idk if ill be able to find the fluff needle in the angst haystack (jkjk) yeah, fair i groan and complain but you do write angst etc rlly well, so if its what ur comfortable with, then pls continue, it is one of your strong suits, well as you write fluff aside

ah okay good! ill continue to send you essays then

THE ALBUM YES. so ive been looking forward to it for literally months, this is actually my first skz album release as a stay (since the last on was 9 months ago) i was sitting there hitting refresh on my spotify the second 6pm kst came around. (speaking of which, how did you do the release? i couldnt decide whether to watch or listen first but i ended up on listening cos there would be more material) okay: so cheese was super cool, very skz ya know? tho i almost wish theyd made domino the title track, tho obv it was a more experimental track and would have been a bit controversial (much like whistle for bp) i looooved domino and thunderous was absolutely impeccable. all the songs were amazing but standouts were- secrets, secrets which lowkey made me tear up idk why, red lights which almost killed me (it did not have to go that hard, but it did) and OT8 WOLFGANG omgggg i wasnt sure if hyunjin was going to be included in it but i was hoping and, ya know people had said hed be in there, but the further i got in, the less i was sure and then BAM hyunjin started what had been jisung's part and i just sat there grinning for about 5 minutes. surfin was absolutely adorable and gone away almost made me cry AGAIN. star lost was so touching, almost a nod to hyunjins little star? silent cry was relatable beyond anything. SSICK was funny? for some reason I was laughing while it was playing, idk the combination of added cheering and minhos aggressiveness and the totall seriousness they sung it. but i rlly enjoyed it. sorry i love you showcased their vocals like nothing else. the view is THE BOP of 2021, absolutely going to be stuck in my head for the next decade, that hook is genius. what did you think?

also did you watch their grow up performance? with all the stays and ALL THE TEARS? ;n; i feel like this is the end of an era of skz and tbh im kinda happy but also sad. super excited for their promotions but super bummed they wont get to tour. ah well

<3 w.a. 🐺

answer under the cut bc i gave an equally long answer to this already long ask HAJSH

oh yeah, abt quarantine having an effect. my friend and i talked about this earlier actually. i didn't realize the world was moving so fast until the pandemic happened. being in quarantine gave me time to think and i got to know myself more. it's just the sole good thing i got out of the isolation lmao. and abt my strict parents, ironically i got to go out today so i got to hang out with a few of my bestfriends. i had fun but my legs are a bit sore from walking. but they're a different set of friends. i'll get to hang out with the others when my getaway driver comes home in december.

hmm music recommendations for writing? depends on the plot you're writing. care to share what story you're working on and i'll try to rake my brain for a song that might match the vibe. i listen to classical / lo-fi if i don't have song inspo for a fic because lyrics sometimes distract me.

i don't think that's infantilizing tho. for me, it has something to do with my environment and the way i was raised. maybe it's the same the other way around? like this certain age (for the ones above 18 but below 20) is thirst-able for them. idk really. it's just not for me ?n? what i do NOT condone is writing smut for minors??? like get checked : D // i agree with everything with the idols being 18+ before they debut simply because it's for the best for their well-being like. how can young idols decide that this shit is the thing they want to do for life? or at least until their contracts last. idk :// it's unfortunate that it's unlikely to happen.

WELL. i have a list so you won't have to go search for them! in class (minho), in the rain (seungmin), gladius maximus (chan) and you've read five star already. and i just realized that most, if not all, of my upcoming fics are fluffs and i'm fond of all of them :D i used to focus a lot on angst because fluff disgusted the living shit out of me. i think things changed when i wrote champagne problems and hurt myself so bad i wanted to drop angst entirely. i didn't, of course, but i allowed myself to be self-indulgent now.

for the release of the album, i was on twt and watched the vid at 12 views (if i remember correctly, i watched back door at 14 so HASJH) i’m gonna talk by track so it wont be too confusing? bc i wrote this in paragraph format and it just ???? beware im very picky with tracks even if they’re my ults. so no offense if we have opposing opinions and i’m not fond of reading lyrics so these are all music wise.

cheese - oh god i hated cheese at first listen but it grew on me easily. i was singing the yeahyeahyeahyeah bit all day today :D

thunderous - i cant say that it’s my favorite title track. it felt really dry sometimes, both mv and music wise. but at the same time, it’s not that bad. the choreography carried the song tho o.O it’s so fucking cool. but like go live, another track has my heart and it’s

domino - AND YES I AGREE THAT THEY SHOULDVE MADE DOMINO TITLE TRACK UGHHHHH WHAT A WASTED FUCKING OPPORTUNITY. WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS HOW FOND I AM OF THIS SONG. it stands close to the level i love easy.

ssick - was a skip on first listen too because i found the chorus underwhelming but it grew on me? not that much but i can bear listening to it.

the view - it’s something the gen public like, hence its something i dislike. im not fond of songs that are structured like this? it’s not a bad song, just not the type of song i like. but i agree that the hook is very not catchy but it would get stuck in ur head.

sorry, i love you - it’s not as sad as i expected but i actually like it??? i can’t wait to write a fic out of it (1) HAJSHAJ it’s like a 3/5 for me. it’s angsty but chill?

silent cry - i’m pissed at this song bc it hits but sometimes it doesn’t?@?#!? but it’s starting to grow on me but definitely not my fave track.

secret secret - glad i found a secret secret enthusiast because my irls thought it was a skip?$?#@$? it gives me ikon vibes and i’m a huge fan of ikon’s discog so this was a win for me T_T +

STAR LOST - gives me bigbang song vibes and now im very sad :(( in case u didnt know, i’m a hUGE yg fan and 2ne1/bigbang introduced me to kpop so when i heard this track that gave me yg feels i just <3___<3 and it’s one of my favorite tracks anw moving on,

red lights - I WANT TO SKIP THE FIRST TEN SECONDS OF RED LIGHTS EVERY TIME IT PLAYS LIKE IT MAKES ME FEEL AWKWARD KDSJFSK but fine. i’m adding this to props and mayhem’s playlist LMAO it’s more aggressive than sexc tho. more enemies to lovers o. O

surfin’ - this coming right after red lights just wasn’t the best decision arrangement wise because how did we go from ooh sexc to aigh pARTAY. felix saying sheesh T___T it’s such a fun song i want to go to the beach ;n; do you like beaches?

gone away - i have yet to read the lyrics because i’m using this as inspo for a jeongin fic jskjash it’s not the type of ballad i like but it’s so fucking sad to listen to :’ ) the pitch change caught me off guard? still does. it’ll grow on me prolly.

wolfgang - I YELLED WHEN I HEARD HYUNJIN IN WOLFGANG. i didn’t like this song until recently. it gives me the confidence boost i need to pick myself off self-esteem crashes.

and no i haven't watched that performance and i prolly wont because i’ll cry. i’m excited for the promotions too. do you think they’ll still have a repackage?? i cant fucking believe that i just finished waiting for 12am kst for skz teasers and now i have to look forward to 12am for nct 127??@?#? NOT A SINGLE DAY OF REST FOR THIS STAYZEN

#toff.asks #wild anon 🐺

0 notes

survivordivergent · 8 years ago

Text

EPISODE 4 - “I WANT TO REACH MY GOATENTIAL” - GEO

Welcome to Survivor Divergent, where's it's 14 inactive people and 6 people actually playing

I'm pretty damn busy today grading final assignments, and I'm pretty sure my frustration yesterday was enough to paint a target on me going forward, but I don't much care. This tribe's work ethic is for shit. I don't belong here. I can't just sit back and not do things. Ed can't, either, because it's such a deep-seated belief of mine that it permeates through him too. Not submitting things is just not my speed.

What pisses me off more than anything is that so far, I've been the only one to put in any concrete work. Percy got the theme based on a writing prompt. Payton's been offering suggestions. Dani's offered to do both the poster and the write-up. Meanwhile, I did the poster (deliberately at a level below what I know I can do, because I've been saying all along that I'm not good with Photoshop.) I did the write-up. Last time I felt so alone in one of these creative challenges, my tribe lost and I was the one sent packing at the next tribal council.

It's bullshit. I hate it I hate it I hate it. And while I love the people on this tribe based on our limited interactions, Peter can fuck off back to the inactivity pool from whence he came. Lucy can find a clue while she's busy finding a last name. And Geo... man, Geo is the biggest disappointment of all, only because we've SEEN what he can do. And it's like he's choosing not to do it. I get that we all have lives and that we're all super busy. I'm running myself so ragged that I'm going to hibernate clear through the holidays.

But that's the key difference: you make time if it matters to you. And if this game doesn't matter to anyone else, why should it matter to me? More importantly, if I get to jury, where's my motivation to vote for any of these people who couldn't — or wouldn't — step up when they're needed?

This is frustrating. I miss Megara Tribe. I miss Bondoso Tribe. I even miss Drohend Tribe. I like tribes that work hard, like each other and trust each other as a result. And this tribe fits maybe one of those three criteria. It sucks.

Six: The amount of posts in our tribe chat per day. God damn.

I'm pretty sure the hosts hate six. Like.

On 12/18/16, at 12:09 AM, Payton Rodriguez wrote: > also, y’all are rigging this against the 90% inactive tribe

On 12/18/16, at 12:10 AM, Payton Rodriguez wrote: > its not mine and ed’s fault that the rest of them are flops like if we went offline for three days the world would fall apart and you know it

no, i dont think they're actively rigging. i think my tribemates are sabatoging and we're not gonna have fucking numbers going into merge. sluts.

Okay so it's been a while, let's see if I can catch up. Last time I made a confessional I was stuck on trying to find the Erudite idol. I was so frustrated, and then we lost reward. I didn't want there to be a chance that someone from Six would find the idol, since the clues stack, so I panicked and asked Melissa for help. She figured it out in 2 seconds bc stupid me doesn't know the alphabet or how to count. Ugh. So we work through the next few pages, and then we get stuck again. But after looking at it for a few minutes, I realized I needed to use the keypad on a telephone to get the next word, and I figured it out. To show some good faith, I tell Melissa right away, but the next page.... whew. I looked at that page for a good half hour and couldn't figure it out. Then I'm reading what's on the page and it looks like song lyrics? So I decided to google them. I copy and paste it into google, and i noticed in the search bar are words I did not see before. So I go back to the page and highlight everything. Sneaky Jenna hid the link to the next blog in white lettering on the page. Very clever. So I go to the next blog, and I need another password. Crap. Well, I'm hoping that whoever is looking for this idol on the Six tribe gets stuck at the password too, so they wont be ahead of me. I decide to not tell Melissa that I figured it out. I want to see if she comes to me with that information. And she does, the next day. So I know I can actually trust Melissa. Like, I know I'm in an alliance with her, but I wanted to like, test her trust? I guess? So there's where we are on the idol journey...

I've been talking to Jill bc, you know, former Candor, and she brings up starting an alliance with Kyle. Me, already being in an alliance with Kyle, am completely down for this. Jill's plan is to have a former Candor/Amity alliance with me, Kyle, and Will, and bring in Melissa as a 5th so we have majority. Kyle and I, already being in an alliance with Melissa, are completely down for this. We decide to tell Melissa about this alliance, because we want Ugly Fruti to be our core, our majority within the majority, if that makes sense. Melissa seems fine with it.

So then we wind up winning the Battleship Immunity, and I am really enjoying not going to Tribal. If we can keep it this way until merge, that would be fantastic. Things have been really quiet around the tribe lately. I haven't been on much because of things irl, but I'm going to try and be around more. I dont want to be first boot from this tribe for inactivity, even though there are people who are way less active than me. I'm just hoping our movie poster is enough to win reward so we can continue on that Erudite clue...

Every single day, I feel myself slowly becoming someone that I am not. And honestly, I kind of like that.

I think Payton is pretty set on getting to know who I am but I'll keep bouncing that carrot in front of her face because the longer I keep her focused on my identity over the game that I want to play, the better it is for me in the long run. Payton is a threat because shes so talkative (albeit annoying as hell) and has Percy in her back pocket. She even came to me and said,

[10:14 PM] Payton Rodriguez: So I think I kinda decided Percy would be safe if we went to tribal again, at least from my vote? He really did help with making that poster look good

Of course that's a valid excuse but you should be willing to vote off anyone at any given moment in time. I don't care who we're going after, but I kind of think that Peter does need to go next. He's just going to do whatever people tell him to do later and he contributes almost nothing to my game, except acting like a little pawn for the time being.

I still have my Abnegation idol, so I'm going to hold onto it as long as possible. I think this is an idol I need to use on myself only because if I try to use it to make a huge move, like playing it on the target to get rid of a threat, then it could backfire and if my own target ends up getting saved, I could go out on a revote. If I just had the regular old thing, then I'd be more willing to be #dauntless and whip it out to save someone else and *ciera voice* make big movez.

Also I'm being really patient with myself and trying to make a lot of spelling/grammar errors and ignoring most forms of punctuation. I want to, in addition, have perfect grammar, spelling, punctuation on my regular account so that people are somewhat confused about my identity. I'm still going with my "pretty, spoiled girl" image that I'm adopting so that everyone thinks that I'm two completely different people. Maybe its working, maybe its not. But I need to start cutting the bullshit and start being as realistic as possible. No more talking about the unrealistic life I don't have, but being real. I have to adopt true parts of my own personality so I'm not looking like a bullshit artist. I have that tumblr blog, so maybe i should share it with the people so they choose to follow me and understand that maybe this is something i'm committing to. we'll have to see how that works out for me, of course.

ok i know im not supposed to but i cant help but get uncharted flashbacks rn im sure its not but lake is giving me ari vibes

Gosh it's been a long time since I've made one of these.

Nothing has really happened. We've been winning immunity and I haven't really helped at all.

I've been trying to staybtalkative with the most active members of the tribe and I feel like there's at least 2 or 3 people that could be voted out before me.

I feel so bad cause I havent done one of these in a long time. Im usually good with confessionals <.< sorry hosts.

I feel like im wadting time with the amity idol but oh well ill keep chugging along

Dani scares me. Theyre really smart, they know who i am, and i feel like theyre not playing with abnegation (obviously they werent from thay tribe) and theyre gping to use it against me. I want to get her oyt, but i think shes better connected to people, therefore attempting to do so will get me oyt instead, and i want to play with loyalty, i dont want to ve a flipper again and again. Dani is in an alliance with me so that wont be good as the others may be wary of me.

Im concerned as well as people arent actually talking that much to me. They dont message me, only dani and payton. I love payton or logan if it is them and i believe theyre going to be a bigger target ahwad of me in the future.

I want to play a very goat game. Previously my competitors and friends viewed me as someone who cant win and is very well aligned and a flipper. I havemt made ftc, and thats my goal. I dont care about anything else. If im loyal and very nonthreatening, people will want to take me as they view me as a goat and i could potentially use that strategy to win? I want to reach my goatential, and see whether i can lose at the end or not. Hopefully i dont.

Im typing this on my phone and i didnt put the heading, sorry for all my messiness. #Goatential #Geoat #loyalty #noflippers #mystrategy

I want to conspire to vote Dani out. I think that might be too risky right now but I don't trust her.

I'm glad we won tribal! But I really, REALLY want to send Dani home. Like, yesterday.

I'm tired of people outside the game talking to me about this game. Stop.

Um, it's been a confusing past few days. The biggest things to come out of them:

1. Six won immunity! Woo hoo! Payton was trying to argue that they were throwing it, but I refuse to believe that. We cam together as a tribe and we showed how much more effective we are when we work together, and that's that. So I guess another way of saying it would be, I don't care what they did. I care about what we did. And we crushed it. And frankly, as great as Payton has been for moral support and activity, her frequent willingness to couch thoughts with 'if's and 'but's really rubs me the wrong way. That's not the way winners think.

1a. That said, Payton is still my #1 for now. She's got a tremendous grip on the tribe socially and is realistically one of the shot-callers around here. The longer I can stay under the radar and vote with her, the more likely I can make merge. And then we're golden.

2. Danielle approached me with 'evidence' that Payton took the advantage, but it was very... sketchy. Which is not to say I don't believe it. I had my suspicions. But I wonder if Dani is trying to throw Payton under the bus for something. There seems to be some bad blood there for reasons I can't fathom.

3. Payton approached me with 'evidence' that Danielle or Geo are fabricating receipts, but it was very... sketchy. Which is not to say I don't believe it. It seems like something both would do, based on what little I know of them. But I wonder if Payton is trying to throw Dani under the bus for something. There seems to be some bad blood there for reasons I can't fathom.

3a. Déjà-vu is the sensation of seeing something you feel like you've seen before.

4. This Erudite idol is maddening. 'Center from the start?' What the hell is that??? I've tried everything – the letter a, the titles on each of the blogs, the word 'hosts' which is the 'center' block on the 'start' page, every past clue in every single blog... I know the clue points to a page on one of the blogs I've already visited, as opposed to the latest one. But I'm so stuck and it's so frustrating and I can only hope others are as hopelessly irritated as I am. I need that next clue, and hopefully this time it'll be something new rather than something I'd already been trying. Talk about bad luck.

5. Peter has been very quiet, but at least he showed up for the comp.

6. Lucy has been very quiet, but at least she showed up for the comp.

7. Geo has been very quiet, but at least he showed up for the comp.

3a. Déjà-vu is the sensation of seeing something you feel like you've seen before.

I will make a longer confessional if I survive tribal, which honestly, I think I will. Me, Kyle, and Melissa are in alliances with pretty much everyone on the tribe, so I think we are fine. The vote should be for Amanda, which is a relief for more than one reason. One, she's getting on everyone's nerves, and two, its so weird for people to be talking about Amanda and to remember its not me. There's only room for one Amanda in this game, hun! Ahhh anyway, after this tribal, we are supposed to be on a holiday break for a while, but I have a feeling before that happens, we are gonna be split into 3 tribes of 5. I'm really hoping not, but if so, I have Kyle and/or Melissa with me, or that I end up on a tribe with a Four Tribe majority. Ahh okay, I'm out til later

#iwillbecomesomethingelse

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