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backtobackbakubabe · 5 years ago

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Baby its Cold Outside (PART 11)

Bakugo x Reader

It’s never too late to go back to school

Words: 2720

PART 1 HERE, PART 2 HERE, PART 3 HERE PART 4 HERE PART 5 HERE , PART 6 HERE PART 7 HERE PART 8 HERE PART 9 HERE PART 10 HERE PART 11 HERE PART 12 HERE PART 13 HERE PART 14 HERE

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Due to your current condition hero work was just not a thing anymore. And you’d be damned if you ended up as someones secretary. So that’s how you ended up here at UA attending a meeting with All Might and and Principle Nezu.

There wasn't exactly a spot open on the teaching staff. You werent exactly qualified either. But after all your work with Dylan you thought maybe you had some unique insight on how you could push your quirk and applying it in other ways.

You really wanted this job but you didn't want to come across as desperate. It had only been about a week since you and Bakugo found out you were pregnant and you hadn’t told anyone yet. You knew you would have to tell them though and you just hoped it wouldn't be a deal breaker.

“So Y/n” All Might took his seat as he addressed you, “Why do you want to be a teacher at UA? Hero work not what you thought it was going to be?”

You tried not let your emotions show on your face. You assume he's talking about when you were shot a few months back. They probably think you’re looking to retire from hero work.

“Well I dont think it’s ever what anyone expects if we’re being honest. Sure we’re told it’ll be dangerous and it’ll be hard but we’re never told about how gritty it can get. But no I wouldn't say that’s why I’m here. In fact I cant think of anything more heroic than helping the next generation grow to be the best heros they can be.”

Principle Nezu spoke up, “I couldn't have said that any better myself dear y/n. Teaching is very rewarding in its own way. But it also has its challenges. Students can be quite stubborn, disobedient, or emotional sometimes. They are children after all. Are you equipped to deal with such challenges?”

You refrained from scoffing instead giving him a soft smile, “With all due respect sir. I live with Bakugo Katsuki and I think we know he is all three of those things you just mentioned.”

He nodded and took a sip of his tea, “Yes I remember... Very passionate that one. So aside from your desire to help and your plethora of patience, what do you have to offer UA?”

You took in a deep breath, “Well ever since my accident I’ve been working with a quirk trainer and she has taught me to look at quirks in a new light. Sure by the time most students reach UA they usually have a pretty decent understanding of what their quirks are but I want them to look beyond their basic applications. I want to teach them to push themselves and to look beyond their known limits and find all the many ways they can apply themselves.”

All Might smiled, “Ah yes I heard about all of your new tricks. As someone who was once your teacher I can say that I never would have thought they were possible. I took your quirk for what it was a face value and didn't think to try to expand beyond that.”

Principle Nezu nodded, “Yes but as impressive as that is I don’t believe you ever truly answered why you want to retire from hero work? You said why you wanted to teach, but a lot of our teaching staff also still work as heros. You have expressed a desire to be a full time teacher. Why is that?”

Alright this was it. You knew you had to tell them. It was only ethical but you had just wanted to keep it a secret for a little longer. “Well there has been a recent development that I believe would hinder my ability to preform to the best of my ability...”

All Might sighed, “Are you referring to your injury a few months back?”

You assumed Midoriya had told his mentor all about that night. You could see in All Might’s eyes that he knew how traumatic it must have been. “Actually no although I can understand why that is what you would assume.” You took a moment to collect your thoughts. “As you both know Bakugo and I have been dating for a better part of a year now. And although we haven't told anyone yet... so we would appreciate your discretion... but we’re.. well more specifically I... am uh... pregnant...”

It was the first time you had said the words out loud to someone other than Bakugo and it just felt weird, but in the best way possible.

All Might slammed his cup of tea on his desk. “I wasn’t expecting that! Oh my goodness congratulations! I am so very happy for you! I promise we won't tell a soul!” His emotions caught you off guard, “I apologize for my outburst but you guys where my first round of students and in a way I think of you like my children.. and to think one, NO TWO of them are having a baby... TOGETHER! Oh it’s just all so overwhelming!”

Principle Nezu put a hand on All Mights shoulder in an attempt to calm him down. “Well seeing as you answered all of our questions better than most other faculty members here, I would think its safe to say that we could find a position here for you. Temporarily of course should you choose to return to hero work once the child is born.”

You shot straight up out of your chair, “Thank you sir! You have no idea how much this means to Bakugo and I!” You bowed, “I promise I will not disappoint you!”

He giggled, “You never have before, so I don’t know why you would start now.”

The second you stepped through the door to your home Bakugo was there sweeping you up into a hug and carrying you to the couch like the idiot he is, “I can walk you know! Put me down you caveman!”

He plopped down on the couch with you in his lap, “Can’t a guy be nice to his pregnant girlfriend?”

You gave him a shit eating grin, “Well seeing as most boyfriends wait to carry their girlfriends over the threshold until after they're married...”

He narrowed his scarlet eyes at you, “And you say I’m impatient.” He clearly didn't want to talk about it right now because before you could push him on it he changed the subject, “SO! How did the interview go? Did you get the job?”

His hands were starting to rub soothing patterns on your thigh. You knew he wanted you to get this job. Shit he probably wanted you to get it more than you did. It was also no secret that he would totally be okay if you stayed there after the baby was born and just made it your new profession.

“Well I had my interview with Principle Nezu and All Might. We had tea, it was lovely. It didn't last very long though, I’d say probably only about fifteen minutes or so. They both say Hi by the way. And congratulations, I felt like it was only responsible to tell them but they promised they wouldn't tell any-”

“Did you fucking get the job or not?! Just spit it out!”

You loved how easy it was to get under his skin, “You know once this kid pops out you're going to need to learn some patience. Kids love to tell long and pointless stories. They’re all long middles with no beginning and no end.”

“Ugh much like this conversation! Just tell me already! I’ve been anxious all fucking day!”

You gave him a small smirk, “Yes babe, I got the job.”

He crushed his lips to yours, “Fuck yeah! That’s my girl! You’re going to be the most badass teacher at UA! You won't take shit from any of those snot nosed kids.”

You cocked and eyebrow at him, “I believe you were once one of those snot nosed kids babe...”

He laughed, “Yeah and look at me now! A functioning member of society all because of you.”

You just rolled your eyes, “Says the guy who just yesterday yelled at Zuko, who is a dog by the way, because you didn't like his tone?”

He huffed, “Well yeah! He was arguing with me when I was trying to get him to go outside while it was raining! He needs to man up and pee in the rain! Kids are different they know better and talk shit anyways!”

You chuckled, “Speaking of kids remember we have that dinner with Dylan and her family tonight.”

He gripped you tighter and groaned, “Ugh do we have to? I kind of wanted to celebrate your new job... you know sans clothing.”

“As tempting as that sounds how about we celebrate, you know with clothes on first? Then when we get home we’ll revisit the naked option?”

He whined, “But you’re always so tired! Not that I’m complaining you're literally growing a whole ass human but I miss our sexy time!”

You gave him a weird look, “Did you really just say sexy time? You’ve been spending too much time with Denki.”

“Dont you dare compare me to that degenerate pervert!”

You laughed as you stood up and headed towards the bedroom, “Whatever you say babe. I’m going to get ready, she said to be there by 5. I’ll lay out an outfit for you.”

He grumbled as he followed you, “I can pick out my own clothes you know.”

You rolled your eyes, “A black t-shirt and sweatpants are not appropriate attire for dinner.”

“UGH! FINE!”

And that's how you showed up to dinner with an irritable Katsuki because you made him wear a nice button down shirt with khakis. “Who am I? Jake from fucking state farm? What if we run into a villain? I can’t work in khakis.”

“Well its a good thing we have today off then. No villains to fight.” You gave his hand a squeeze. Now remember her kid is like obsessed with Ground Zero so... try to play nice.”

He scoffed as he reached out to ring the doorbell, “Okay Mom...”

Next thing you know the door is being ripped open by girl who couldn't have been older than 6. She was wearing a Ground Zero t-shirt and her hair was pulled into two tight black ponytails. She stared straight in Katsuki's eyes for a few seconds before she whispered, “Hi Mr. Zero. Did you know you could use your quirk to turn your hands into guns?”

Bakugo gave you a weird look and you just shrugged, “Huh?”

“Kitty! What did we talk about?” Dylan was now standing behind her daughter looking angry.

“Asking permission before reading someones quirk?”

“Exactly now say you’re sorry.”

Kitty looked up at your boyfriend with the most epic puppy dog eyes you had ever seen and you could Bakugo melting on the spot, “I’m sorry Mr. Zero. Please forgive me”

You could tell Bakugo was freaked out so you gave him an encouraging nudge, “Uhh. yeah whatever. dont worry about it shrimp.”

Her eyes lit up, “MOM! DID YOU HEAR THAT HE CALLED ME SHRIMP!” She was now tugging on Dylans sleeve.

Dylan gave you an apologetic look, “Sorry she’s just really excited. We’ve talked about our manners for a good part of the day but it seems thats all gone out the window.” She started leading you to the diner table, “I heard you like spicy food so I’ve made spicy pad thai. I hope that’s okay.”

You could just feel the heartburn now but you didn't want to be rude and you knew Bakugo would love it.

You took your seat next to Bakugo and being the caveman he is he immediately started eating without waiting for anyone else. “I apologize Dylan. You see we had the same talk about manors on the way here but it looks like he wasn’t listening either.”

Kitty leaned over to Bakugo and whispered, “Is your mommy as strict as my mommy?” It took a few seconds to realize she was referring to you but when he did he lost it. He started laughing louder than you had ever herd him laugh, well at least while he’s sober.

He put a hand on your thigh, “She is a mommy but she’s not my mommy even though she may act like it sometimes.” He chuckled and gave your thigh a squeeze, “But believe me she can be a pain in the a- neck sometimes.”

You elbowed him in the side,”Watch your language.”

He looked offended, “Hey I caught myself didn't I?” He turned back to Kitty, “See this is what I’m talking about. She’s being mean to me and I didn't even do anything.”

Dylan gave you a wide eyed expression, “I’m sorry did he just say you’re a mommy?”

You sighed as you slapped him on the back of the hat, “Yes. He did. I was going to tell you tonight anyways but I guess the cat is out of the bag. I won't be able to keep training with you seeing as we are expecting.”

Even though you just hit him, he still had a super goofy grin on his face as he leaned over and put a hand on you stomach. “Yeah so Kitty if you ever see her scolding me it’s just because she's practicing to be a mommy, she’s not really being mean.”

Kitty’s eyes went to where his hand was on your stomach, “OH MY GOSH! THERE’S GOING TO BE A BABY GROUND ZERO!”

Dylan shot daggers at her daughter, “Kitty inside voice please and please whatever you do don’t tell any of your friends school. This is top secret okay? Do you understand?”

She just grinned and nodded her head before whispering something in Bakugo’s ear that made him laugh. Well you guess he had a new friend now.

The rest of the night was basically just Bakugo playing with Kitty while you and Dylan talked about pregnancy. It was nice to be able to talk to someone about it. She was very excited about your new job and promised she would continue to help you anyway she could.

Only after Bakugo had thoroughly worn Kitty out after a game of heros and villains did he return to the adults. “Hey Dylan what did Kitty mean earlier when she said I could use my hands as guns?”

Dylan stared into his eyes for a moment and you could see the chilling affect it had on him. “Much like how guns use very small explosions to propel their bullets, if done correctly you could potentially pick up debris, rocks, or small objects and explode them from your hand much like a gun. It would be a smaller and quieter alternative to the explosions you’re prone to using. Feel free to stop by the gym sometime and maybe we can figure it out”

He stared at his hands, “Huh... I just might take you up on that.”

Later that night you were walking up the walkway to your home when Katsuki snaked his arms around your waste, “Hey so what do you say? Did I behave myself well enough to earn a little dessert?”

His mouth was on your neck as you fished for your keys in your purse, “I’d say so.. Mr. Zero.”

You could feel his smile on your neck, “That brat was adorable wasn’t she?”

You finally got the door open, but you froze, “Hey Katsuki? I thought you left a light on for Zuko?”

He stepped infant of you protectively, “I did.. someones been in the house...”

“SURPRISE!”

The lights were flicked on and everyone was coming out from their hiding spots. The poor couch Midoriya had been hiding behind had a light singe from where Bakugo had shot at it. “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EXTRAS DOING IN MY HOUSE!”

All Might stepped out from the kitchen rubbing his neck, “That would be my fault. I know I promised I wouldn't tell anyone but... I kind of told everyone. I’m SORRY!”

Kirishima was running over towards you, “Holy SHIT! I can't believe this is happening! I’m going to be an uncle!”

Katsuki gave him a death glare, “I gave you a key for EMERGENCIES ONLY DAMNIT!”

#bakugo x reader #bakugo x y/n #bakugo #bakugo katsuki #katsuki bakugō #bakugo imagine #bhna #bhna bakugou #bhna imagine #bhna x reader #mha bakugou #mha #mha imagines #mha x reader #my hero academia

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logicallyidiotic · 4 years ago

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Just a little story I was inspired to write by one of @atomiktaco posts! Had fun with this and I hope you enjoy! Here is the post that inspired it!

Remus walked into his apartment after work, exhausted but excited. He was planning on going to explore an old abandoned mall on the south side of town. He had been there a few times before, but he still had a floor to explore. He wanted to take Virgil with him so the poor ghost wasn't left alone longer than he had been and so Remus had someone else with him.

Once he made it to his room, where he had left the jacket, he saw Virgil appear on the bed, where he seemed to be sleeping. Remus grabbed a change of clothes and went into the bathroom to change. After he came back out, he put Virgil's hoodie on, causing the ghost to wake.

"Finally, you're home. I thought you were supposed to come back for lunch?" Virgil grumbled, stretching his arms. Remus rolled his eyes as he walked out of the room and to the kitchen, with his ghost friend floating behind him.

"That was the plan but the store ended up swamped. Barely had time to eat." Remus explained, pulling out a microwave meal. The two spoke for a few minutes about their days as Remus made his food and quickly ate. The excitement was starting to set in, not going unnoticed by Virgil.

"Alright, what's got you all giddy? You're brother finally give you a call?" Virgil asked, brow raised. At the mention of his brother, Remus groaned in annoyance. He did not want to talk about him right now.

"For your information, Roman and I had lunch last week. I'm 'giddy' because we're going to explore an abandoned mall once I'm done eating." Remus growled. He loved his ghost buddy, but if he mentions his brother again Remus might just have to leave the ghost at home for a week.

At the mention of an abandoned mall, Virgil's interest was peaked. The two hadn't been able to go explore much due to Remus having to work double shifts at work. The store waa currently low on employees and Remus owed the owner. To say Virgil was excited would be an understatement.

"Really? What mall?" He asked, a small smile appearing on his pale face. He didnt want to seem as happy as he was, but there was no hiding all of it. Remus noticed the ghost's excitement though, having gotten pretty good at figuring out how the ghost was feeling. Leaning back in his chair with his arms holding the table, he said "Pearsons, the one by the museum on the south side."

Virgil knew that mall. He had been a few times while he was alive, but he only spent a decent amount of time there once. He had gotten the supplies for his jacket there. "How long has it been closed?" Virgil asked.

Remus shrugged, not really knowing exactly. "Maybe, at most 15 years? I dont think it's been that long though." It certainly wasnt the oldest abandoned place he's been to but it was still fun to explore and skate around in.

Remus stood from his chair, stretching his back, satisfied when he heard the quiet pops from his joints. Virgil cringed at the sound, but said nothing about it. As Remus went to put his shoes on and grab his skateboard, the ghost floated through the wall into the bedroom and turned the light off. Remus had a tendency to forget about the lights.

"Virge, come on! I wanna show you around the place!" Remus called from the door. With the rill of his eyes, Virgil quickly floated to the door, accompanying the excited male.

Within twenty minutes the two were at Pearsons mall, Remus going through one of the broken windows on the ground floor. There werent many people who patrolled the area, but they still needed to be careful and not overly loud.

"So there's the main entrance," remus said, pointing at the bearded up doors "and the stairs up are right there, which we will be going up to the third floor" he finished, pointing at a far wall to their left. With a hum of acknowledgement from Virgil, remus started jogging to the stairs, making sure Virgil wasnt being pulled too much by the jacket, seeing as he's connected to it. Once at the stairs, Remus was quick to sprint up them, arriving on the third floor in just a few minutes.

"This is the only floor I have yet to explore. And I know for a fact that somewhere up here is a ramp that goes to wach level, I saw it last time. Now let's explore!" Remus exclaimed, throwing his skateboard down and starting to skate towards the different rundown shops. Virgil chuckled and did his best to keep up with Remus, feeling the tug from his jacket occassionally. He did have to float through walls to catch up sometimes, but what's the problem with a few shortcuts?

After maybe ten minutes of exploring, Remus suddenly stopped, causing Virgil to zoom past him, only to be tugged all the way back, falling through the floor. The ghost groaned as he came back up, growling "Why the hell did you stop? And without warning me!"

Remus didnt answer, looking into a certain store. Virgil moved his gaze to where Remus was looking, only to freeze completely. Laying inside the store was a large number of stray dogs, and they did not look pleased with the presence of the two people. Whether the dogs could sense Virgil or not, they definitely didnt want Remus there.

"Remus, I think it's time for you to go. These pups don't look happy." Virgil whispered, despite knowing the dogs couldn't hear him. Remus nodded, slowly stepping back as the dogs stood, growling at him. With slowly and careful movements, Remus prepared to skate again, placing a foot on the ground and the other on the board. He saw the dogs ears perk up with any sound he made, quiet or not. He took a breathe and pushed off the ground, propelling himself and the board down the hall.

With the sound and quick movement of what Remus had done, the dogs took off running after him. Virgil floated after Remus, anxiety settling deep in his stomach. He looked ahead of Remus and cut through walls, looking for something to move that may help. Suddenly, he spotted a stack of boxes that he might be able to knock over. He turned towards the direction Remus was coming from and yelled "This way! Hurry up!"

Remus followed Virgil's instructions, zooming past him. Just after Remus passed, Virgil managed to knock the boxes over, though it used a lot of his energy. The dogs either ended up under the boxes as the crashed down on the, or ran into other dogs, causing a crash. Despite the dogs being stopped temporarily, Remus kept going. He caught sight of the ramp he'd been looking for and turned towards it, slowling down slightly so he didnt crash at the bottom.

Virgil was with him in seconds, yelling "get your ass down that ramp! That wont stop them long!" And with that, Remus was flying down the ramp. It wasnt steep, but it certainly wasnt gentle either. Remus' hair flew out of his face as Virgil's jacket flapped behind him. Even with the dogs chasing him, Remus smiled the entire way down. Virgil was close behind him, enjoying seeing his friend happy, but also still extremely worried for his friend.

They made it to the bottom floor in no time, still able to hear the dogs. Remus looked back and saw them at the top of the ramp and fearfully kicked off the ground again. He jumped through the window just as the dogs made it down the ramp, running a bit away, looking behind him for the dogs and Virgil every few seconds.

They stopped at a park a few blocks away, Remus panting and Virgil still looking around in fear. On all the little adventures they've had in these 6 months they'd known each other, they hadn't been chased by dogs. Chased by other things, yes. But not dogs.

"You owe me for the anxiety you just gave me." Virgil said, looking down at his panting friend. Remus only glared in response, earning a chuckle from Virgil. Once he regained his breath, Remus grumbled "I dont owe you shit. But if it'll keep you from teasing me about running like a coward then I will let you pick what's on TV tomorrow."

That made Virgil's face light up, but he quickly tried to cover it up. "Really? I, uh, mean cool. I'm cool with that" he said. Remus shook his head at his friends antics, grabbing his skateboard and starting to walk away.

"Let's get home ghost boy."

#remus sanders #ts remus #virgil sanders #ts virgil #fanfic #ghost virgil #sanders sides au #sanders sides fic

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butterbeeryuta · 5 years ago

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chenle as your best friend

ok so like the 2 of you met when ya'll were about 6-7 at some summer art programme

at that age, you just liked to see colour on paper regardless if it looked shit or not.

NOW, chenle sits beside you right and he notices be doesn't have a blue crayon with him, but omg! you have it (a/n: cries in cliché)

so this kid who's prob wearing the finest clothes from head to toe just grabs your blue crayon from the tray— and boy are you annoyed and angry

'hey you could've at least asked!'

'well can I use the blue crayon?'

'oh... i guess yeah'

lmao you were such an awkward bean (still are)

anyway after the whole crayon thing, you were waiting for your mum/dad/guardian to pick you up, and so was chenle. chenle then sat beside you again and ya'll just started talking and playing together

ya'll were in different schools. but that didn't stop the 2 of you to meet each other on almost e v e r y weekened, like

'hey i got the uno machine, wanna play on saturday?'

'chenle i have test on monday'

'it's an uno machine'

'okay yeah sure.'

so when ya'll were like 11-13 (puberty ew), ppl started questioninh your friendship and was asking if it's mORe than that— but lol it's not

you just enjoyed having each other around since ya'lls characters balances out so well; chenle is far far more loud, cheerful, and optimistic. whereas you're more on the 'serious' side and usually stays quiet— but you have a galaxy brain soOooO

so whenever ppl do ask, the two of you say 'no,' but then again,,,, who tf will take 'no' for an answer

SO 15-16, zhong chenle moved to korea to be a part of nct dream, and it was painful for the two of you

you went to drop him off at the airport, and he promised to you that he'll try to message and call you as much as possible while you hug him tightly cause you really don't want him to go even though you know he deserves it and it's just pure emo hours at this point

so during his training years he tells you all the good tea like 'omg there's like 6 chinese members here whoAaaa' 'yo yo yo there's this guy named taeyong andD HE IS SO COOL WHOAAAAAA' and it's so cute and ur really happy he's having fun, but you do miss him a lot

eventually chenle also misses you a lot, and he starts to tell renjun, winwin, and basically everyone about how he misses his best friend y/n ~soft~ hours are open

CHENLE DEBUTS YEy. you're having like severe palpitations rn cause that's ur fucking best friend living his dream like yEAH!!!! you tell your parents, your friend group, your chemistry tutor, your dog, the cashier— EVERYONE god you're annoying skjskjdkssk

you message chenle a LOT!

'DUDE WTF YOU ACTUALLY DID IT'

'goddamn ya'll look so cute and the song does nOT help'

'also is that the jeno guy? he really cute ��'

but ofc, he's busy. and yeah, he hasn't been responding as much as before. although you understood his busy schedule, you can't help but feel disappointed and sad.

BUT, whenever he does get time, i promise you he apologises and calls you whenever he can. chenle is a sweetheart, he'd never betray you like that.

OK SO FAST FORWARD TO 2019 BOOM ERA

so like any other typical fic, you managed to book yourself to korea and surprise your best friend for his birthdayyyyy

over the years you got to know renjun a lot through messages and calls since he always joins chenle when ya'll call each other so yeah— renjun is THAT guy

kneeways, you and renjun talked abt the plans, the cakes, and even helped you with korean so that you'd be able to talk to the rest of the members (and maybe jeno if ur confident enough but let's be honest, they've ALL become gorgeous humans you must be insanse to think you'd be able to talk to them casually)

you've arrived in gimpo airport, renjunnie arranged someone to pick you up— and it's time to surprise your best friend lele

so yeah while jisung and chenle were filming, you got to help out with the decorations and stuff with the rest of the dreamies.

the boys were all so nice to you despite the language barrier,

'AHHH so ur the friend chenle keeps talking about, do you know any shit that he does so we can use it to blackmail him or some—'

'haechan it's his birthday, calm the fuck down for one second.' renjun being the true dom he is

OkaYY SO THEY COMING and you were panicking cause you havent seen him in years and you werent sure what to do and just before they came in ofc you tripped

chenle started laughing and screaming. he was so overwhelmed with the surprise, until he saw you flat on the floor probably moaning in pain

'Y/nnnNnnnNNN??!' THE KID IS SHOOK

'Uh yeah, listen i wanna give you a hug and all but help your friend out'

he immediately went over to you and helped u up and ya'LL just hugged and like he lifted you up a little and he's just so happy rn and he doesnt know what to do except to hold you

'AWWWWWWWWWW' -00 line

you genuinely start crying cause you missed his chaotic and happy ass so much. you looked up at him and you can tell he's changed so much. you saw from pics that he has changed, but you didnt fully acknowledge how much he grew up.

he starts laughing at your emotional and crying state and hugs you even more— it's all cute stuff at this point

'okay uhh i know ya'll miss each other and stuff, but chenle your cake is gonne melt' - park jisung, 2019

ya'll celebrated, ya'll spilled stories about each other, and everyone just had a good time

'jeno hyung y/n has a crush on you'

that little fucker

chenle couldnt have been happier, and neither could you

a/n: okay please hate me all you want i've been silent for so fucking long. university applications have started and i have to meet deadlines and shit so yeah, i've been prioritising my school work these days. laces and things WILL continue from December onwards cause i'll be on break then, so please stay patient. also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY LELE. he's been my bias in dream for god knows how long, and he's such a loving and cute guy, how can you not love him. i hope you had the best birthday with the ppl who genuinely deserve you.

#nct #crack #nct dream #imagines #imagine #chenle #zhong chenle #lee haechan #haechan #lee donghyuck #donghyuck #huang renjun #renjun #lee jeno #jeno #park jisung #jisung #na jaemin #jaemin

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nie7027 · 4 years ago

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"And then what happened?" Hatori asked completely invested in the story

"Minegishi dragged me all around the building knocking on every godamn door" Shimazaki simply said

"Was he able to convince them?" Hatori asked unable to keep the curiosity from his voice. Then again Shibata was equally eager to know.

Shimazaki shrugged

"He made me wait in the hall outside while he was inside"

It was 2 days after they have played the prank on Shimazaki and he was telling them about Minegishi's landlord's apparent outburst the previous day while they were in one of their now usual dog sightseeing walks.

Shibata hummed "At least now we know why Minegishi suddenly decided to work the afternoon shift"

"And why we ended up having to babysit this bastard" Hatori couldnt stop himself from adding.

Shibata rolled his eyes ignoring Shimazakis subsequent replies and muttering a quiet 'Here we go again' to himself

Even if he was already used to Hatoris and Shimazakis continous bickering that didnt mean he couldnt get tired from it.

He let them keep going at it while he did some quick maths in his head and intervened once they were in the middle of a who-flipped-the-bird-more-at-the-other contest.

"Guys this isnt the time for fighting. " he said forcing down both Shimazakis and Hatoris hands "Minegishi needs our help"

"And how are we supossed to help him? We arent exactly rich and some of us have future expenses like buying a new phone" Hatori complained fighting off Shibatas hold to show Shimazaki his middle finger one last time

"If you didnt want me to break it you shouldnt have used it to attack me" Shimazaki retorted not bothering to acknowledge Hatoris antics.

"FOR THE LAST TIME WE WERENT-"

"GUYS" Shibata snapped "Hatori you knew very well how risky it was to use your own phone"

"You used yours as well!" Hatori whined while Shimazaki mockingly laughed at him.

"AND SHIMAZAKI" To Shibatas surprise said man actually shutted up and turned to him "Violence shouldn't be your first response. No if you want to be a respectable member of society"

"Whatever" the man huffed stuffing his hands in his jackets pockets and quickening his pace to walk ahead of them.

Shibata shaked his head.

He wanted to believe there was hope for their friend, specially after Hatori told him what him and Minegishi had seen while he was unconcious, but the point of the matter was... it had been Shimazaki who had knocked him unconcious in the first place.

He was still too prone to violence.

"So...what are we doing with Minegishi? How are we going to help him?" Hatori whispered at his side

"I honestly don't know. We could lend him some money to alleviate some of the load" Shibata proposed "I did some quick calculations and I dont think he was sued. If he was he would have taken the night shift too. The pay is better."

"He starts it tomorrow" Shimazaki interjected effectively killing any of Shibatas hope for Minegishis financial future.

"Fuck. At this pace he is going to work himself to the bone" Hatori lamented "Why do a flower shop even needs a night shift?"

"Funerals" Shibata and Shimazaki responded at the same time.

"Oh yeah. I forgot those...Aw man Minegishis landlord sucks."

Shibata shrugged "I dont even think he had the right to demand all of that from Minegishi"

"Why does he even keep living there? That jerk doesnt even do the mandated buildings maintenance!" Hatori grumbled "Now he is going to blame everything on Minegishi"

"You know very well why" Shibata sighed tiredly.

"Why?"

It was Shimazaki. He had stopped walking and stood in front of them, waiting for them catch up and give him an answer.

"Uuuh..." Hatori eloquently said. "Because he was part of a terrorist organization that wanted to take over Japan?"

"So?"

"People dont let that pass so easily" Shibata slowly explained "it was televised"

Shimazaki shaked his head "You were there too and you dont have funny men screaming at you"

"Oh" Hatori exclaimed happy for the opportunity to make fun of Shibata "Big boy here was unconcious in a dumpster for most of the whole ordeal thanks to some 14 year old"

It was Shibatas turn to make fun of Hatori.

"Yeahb and this nerd here" he said pointing at Hatori with his thumb "Nobody recognizes his lanky ass as one of the feared terrorists even when he was the one who hijacked their signals"

"Perks of being a good looking beanpole" Hatori said grinning. And it was true, aside from governments officials, nobody ever thought of him something more than a weakass guy.

"But Minegishi...he was at the front of our forces taking control of the city so he was captured in footage several times"

"It doesnt help that he was present at the other incident too...or that he is eaisly recognizable, you know, with his lack of eyebrows"

"Minegishi doesnt have eyebrows?" Shimazaki asked genuinely surprised making Shibata and Hator burst out laughing.

Of all the things they said that was what Shimazaki had decided to latch on.

"No he doesnt" Shibata finally answered after taking a deep breath to recover "But basically thanks to all of that it was harder for him to get his own place. Not many people wanted to rent him and he couldnt afford most of those who did"

"Yeah, except for Seri most of us couldnt immediately get a job." Hatori said and Shibata could notice the way Shimazaki perked up at the mention of Serizawa but didmt have time to dwell on that because Hatori sudenly exclaimed

"WHAT ABOUT SERI?"

"What about him?" Shibata carefully asked.

"He started working before us. He should have more money saved!" Hatori simply answered as if that was the answer to all their problems

"You know Serizawas income is more err- variable than us. And besides he also has to pay for school"

"Serizawa goes to school?" Shimazaki asked confused "Why?"

Hatori shrugged "He considered that was the the best way to better himself? Personally I think that decision was whack"

"You say that because you actually have a college degree"

"A college degree that has been useless so far. I mean, look at this!" Hatori stopped pointing at a poster that was glued to the wall. It was a lost dog poster "They are paying more money for finding this dog than what they pay me in a week!"

"Holy shit" Shibata exclaimed after examining the poster. They were in fact paying a big sum of money to whoever returned the dog "They really must miss him a lot"

"Or maybe they are just filthy rich"

"My point still stands. Even if they are rich they still went and put up posters-"

"Is it a lot of money?" Shimazaki suddenly asked.

"i just said its more than my salary" Hatori deadpanned

Shimazaki made a face "That doesnt tell me anything"

"You little-"

"Yes, it is a lot of money" Shibata intervened before they could start fighting again

Shimazaki smirked "It says where?"

Shibata was confused "Where what?"

"Where did it get lost?" Shimazaki asked frowming as if that was the most obvious answer in the world

"Here says it was lost at" Hatori picked the poster to read the name of the district written in smaller letters "Ha! See? I told you they were rich. They probably-"

Hatori couldnt finish his jab. Out of nowhere Shimazaki grabbed both his and Shibatas shoulder and the old familiar and nauseating sensation of teletransportation engulfed them.

Hatori stumbled forward the moment he felt his feet made contact with earth again.

"Oh god...I had forgotten how much I hated that" he said sitting on the floor squeezing his sides

Shibata wasnt in a better shape leaning agains the wall that thankfully had materialized behind him "Buddy...a warning would have been nice"

"Crybabies" Shimazki huffed. Even that brat had held it together better than them.

Hatori, still on the floor hunched over, glared at him "You are used to it!"

Shimazaki waved him off and started to walk out the alley they had been telatransported to "You are just a weak-"

"Shimazaki..." Shibata called out taking a step away from the wall and offering his hand to help Hatori stand up. His stomach was almost settled and he could breathe better "Why did you brought us here?"

"Where are we even?" Hatori asked taking Shibatas hand and letting himself be pulled by the bigger man.

Shimazaki turned to look over his shoulder at the two of them "Didnt you say Minegishi needs money? We better find it before someone else does it. Besides there must be more lost dogs with owners willing to pay us- "

"ARE YOU SERIOUS?" Hatori exclaimed

Shibata and Hatori both turned to look at eachother gasping. None of them could believe what they were hearing.

"Shimazaki..." Shibata breathed out in disbelief while the corned of his mouth were strating to pull into a big grin "You really are becoming a better-"

"Are you going to help or not?!" Shimazaki yelled exasperated before Shibata could continue with his corny speach. He really really didnt want to hear it and was willing to abandon them there if they tried to force him.

Luckily they didnt.

"Of course well help you" Shibata happily replied walking towards the end of the alley where Shimazaki was, dragging Hatori with him. "Thats what friends are for!"

"What the big guy here said" Hatori grinned adjusting his skewed glasses "Except how are we even going to search for it?"

Shimazaki turned to look to Hatoris left hand where he was still holding the lost dog poster "Does it says something about the dogs size?"

"What? Why do you-" Shibata asked confused when realization dawned on him "Of course! Mental eye!"

"Duh!"

Hatori quickly turned the paper around and scanned it for a description letting out a Bingo once he found it

"Here. Medium sized Golden Retriever dog..."

He kept reading, Both him and Shibata explaining as best as they could how it looked like while Shimazaki nodded. Once it seemed like he understood he closed his eyes and focused for 1 minute until a smirk appeared on his face.

“I got 27 in the zone.”

Hatori and Shibata pumped their fists on the air”

“Ok. So well stay here lookin around while you go with them. Go! And make sure they are stray dogs and not inside houses!” Shibata cheered as Shimazaki teletransported away.

It didnt take more than 5 minutes for him to return carrying a happy dog in his arms. It turned to be the wrong breed but it didnt matter because as soon as Shimazaki went he returned to the place he found it and immediately went to look for another one.

That’s how the three of them spend their night with Shimazaki going and coming carrying a different dog each time. They eventually had to move another neighbourhood but it the end they found the correct dog matching the posters description and quickly made their way to the address on the poster.

When Minegishi came home late at night all he wanted to do was to drop dead on his bed and never wake up again.

But he couldnt.

There was a big pile of dishes waiting for him at the kitchens sink and it wasnt going to be long before the smell became unbearable.

Even with Shimazaki staying at Shibatas and Hatoris place dishes, that Minegishi hadnt been able to wash what with him working at least 2 shifts most days, had kept accumulating to the point the stink was becoming unbearable.

He considered using his powers to do the dirty work but god he was so tired he didnt even have enough energy in him to lift a single leaf much less manipulate the necessary amount of vines to do that chore.

Who would have thought working a double shift at the flower shop could be so tiring? Not him even though he already worked there.

He clearly had understimated the strain customer service would put on him after 10 hours of dealing with it. Not to mention the physical extenuation from hauling all those dirt sacks.

Minegishi was too tired but he couldnt go to sleep yet.

Still.

That didnt mean he couldnt take a small break and sit down for a moment.

He had been on his feet all day. He deserved this.

Those were Minegishi last thoughts because the moment he sat down on hia couch in the living room and his head felt the support of the headrest he fell sound asleep.

He woke up to the feeling of something being dropped on his lap.

When he opened his eyes the room was dark and he couldnt see a thing but he could feel the strong presence of someone else in the room and with quick practiced motions he stood up ready to fight at the same he commanded his planta to turn on the light switch.

Light came and with it the sight of a very amused Shimazaki staring back at him.

"You are finally goinfmg to fight me?" the blind man asked with a smirk on his face.

"Keep wishing" Minegishi huffed dragging a hand along his face. "Ugggh. What time is it?"

He wasnt really expecting an answer from Shimazaki so he was suprised when the man replied.

"3am"

"Huh? That late?" Minegishi said rubbing his eyes. "Must have fallen asleep" he muttered. He remembered cheking his phone when he arrived home and it had only been 10 pm.

"Werent you supposed to work the night shift today?" Shimazaki asked surprising Minegishi for the second time that night. He hadnt thought Shimazaki cared enough to remember his schedule. Lucky guees, perhaps?

"Yeah...but I was sent home." Minegishi simply said. He didnt feel like explaining the concern his boss had expressed at Minegishis apparently terrible state.

Shimazaki then made a face Minegishi had never seen on him making him a little wary of the man. His sides still hurt from prank they had pulled on him.

#nie's writing

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reesewestonarchive · 6 years ago

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EASTHALLOW | Masterpost | Project Page | Project Preview | ko-fi, if you like my work :p

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Back at the farm, Elijah walks, dazed but relaxed, back to the house. He checks behind him once, twice, to see if Rocky, who had followed him to the edge of his parents' property, still sits in the woods, wagging his tail at Elijah.

He doesn't.

"You look like you've seen a ghost," Amanda says, as she steps out the front door. The sun is shining, bright and warm already for eight in the morning, and Elijah shakes the woods off of him as best he can.

While he's grateful the beast is a silly witch in the woods, the idea that someone out there just... lives in abandoned shack in his woods unsettles him.

"Not a ghost," Elijah says. He sighs. "Has this town always been this fucking creepy?"

Amanda cocks her head and looks at her son with a smile, then steps down the front steps and towards the hay truck. "The city has made you suspicious, my love." She waves the keys in the air, doesn't look back to Elijah. “Come on. I believe you promised me a trip to the farmer’s market.”

Amanda fiddles with the radio, sings along off-key with wrong lyrics, and Elijah absently brushes the mud from his jeans.

The market’s covered in small tables set up underneath tents. Sunlight shines through the trees, and Elijah all but forgets about Viola and Penny and their tiny shack in the woods. The air is sweet with the smell of apple cider and turnovers, and Elijah follows his mother past table after table of pickles, jams, fresh produce, pies, breads…

He last went when he was seventeen. Far too long ago. The smell of it brings him back to being a child, before he made such a shitty decision, before Josh—

“Elijah, can you take these apples back to the car? I’ve a few more tables I’d like to visit.”

Three bags of apples, Elijah takes to the car, tripping over tree roots and uneven, muddied ground. Passes tables selling food that has his stomach aching with hunger.

Just before the market closes off, though, Elijah notes a man, sitting at his table, his head rested in his hand, elbow on the table, flipping through a book with a bored look on his face. Customers seem to ignore him, as though he’s not there. Candles in mason jars are neatly lined up in front of him, a solitary empty spot where someone has bought one.

He seems to notice Elijah staring, because he lifts his head, locks gazes with him. A smile grows across his face.

“Interest you in some homemade candles, sir?”

Elijah makes a face. “I’m not a sir.” He should keep going, but—the logo of the candles. Elijah drops one of the bags of apples to pick up a candle. “This creature,” he asks, smoothing his thumb over the creature—thick hair, glowing eyes, fingers like nails. “What is it?”

With a shrug, the man says, “The Beast of Easthallow. Local legend. Man a few hundred years ago, back when Easthallow was just a mining town, claims to’ve seen it.” He cocks his head at Elijah. “There’s a book about it, you know. Adapted from Victor East’s journals.”

“So it’s real?”

Laughing, the man leans back in his chair. “Suppose that matters on whether you’re a believer.” He nods his head at the candle. “Supposed to smell like wildflowers if you see it. S’what the candle’s based on.”

Overhead, the sun hides behind dark storm clouds. Around them, the hum of chatter from the farmer’s market quiets for a minute.

“Can give you a discount if you buy the book, too.” He holds up a book, small, a plain black cover, the words THE BEAST OF EASTHALLOW embellished across the front.

Assuming, for a minute, that Elijah believes any of this, other than a crazy couple of witches living in the woods, he’s unemployed. Setting the candle back down, Elijah says, “I don’t have any money.”

He eyes the apples. “How about a few of those? They came from the Richard Orchard, right?” Elijah shrugs. “Two apples, then.”

Fine. Curiosity peaked, Elijah digs into the bag at his feet for two of the apples, without bruises, one still with a stem and leaf, and hands them over. Their fingers brush together, and Elijah’s lips twitch up in a smile, just for a split second, before he pulls back.

“Do you plan on hunting it?” the man says, dropping the apples into a bucket beside him.

“…Hunting it?”

“We also sell candles that smell like rotten wood and wet dog. Supposed to attract the Beast.”

Elijah snorts. “A candle that smells like garbage?” He shakes his head. “I’ll go with the wildflowers.” Maybe he can gift it to his mother for Christmas.

“I’ll just get you a receipt,” the man says. Elijah hears someone walk up behind him, and turns his head, sees Amanda stepping around counters, a single, small loaf of bread under her arm.

She smiles down at the man, currently scribbling out a receipt for Elijah, and says, “Good morning, Grant. All well at home?”

He lifts his head, looking between the two of them for just a beat or two before he smiles, pleasant and wide, and his eyes—

Elijah clears his throat, averts his gaze. His heart aches, as he thinks of Sean, back home. What used to be home. He wonders if the man he’d found Sean with would be comforting, in Elijah’s absence, or if he’ll find Elijah leaving cause for celebration.

“…fine, Mrs. Flynn.” Grant flashes her a smile, hands over the receipt to Elijah and says, “Have a good day.”

Elijah reaches for the receipt, and Grant winks as their fingers touch again.

As they leave, Amanda weaves her arm around Elijah’s, says, “That wasn’t so bad, was it? And I see you picked up some items as well.” She nods to the book, the candle in the bag. “Didn’t think you were a candle sort.” She smiles, reaches into the bags, plucks out an apple, and begins chattering on.

Elijah glances at the receipt. Ten digits, scribbled at the bottom—give me a call, if you’d like.

At the farm, Elijah thumbs over the receipt as he sits, reclined on the couch, listening as rain beats down on the tin roof. It’s dark, for mid-afternoon; a deep blue-grey overcast filtering the sun out and shadowing the fields.

Still better than the city.

He sighs. Reads the note again. Little early for hookups, isn’t it? Ezra considers himself fairly capable of moving on quickly, but still, if he thinks too much about Sean, something in his chest goes tight and the world feels too small. He could have gone to the other side of the country, to Australia or Japan, and still Sean would feel too close.

Fingers reach up behind him and pluck the receipt out of hand, though, and Elijah doesn’t even bother turning around to chastise his brother. Instead, he says, “Really? We’re being this childish, now?”

Josh reads the note out loud, makes an awwwww sound, and says, “What happened to Sean, McDreamy? Weren’t you guys happy-ever-after or whatever you want to call it?”

“We’re not in trouble,” Elijah says, but he doesn’t make an attempt at the receipt. He just rubs his eyes, wonders how long it’ll take Josh to give up on this. “And it’s none of your fucking business.”

It’s not a lie; they’re not in trouble. Elijah’s completely out of trouble. Feels better about this than he ever has. Josh, though, Josh takes that and runs with it, his eyes getting wide, and he says, “Holy shit. You’re not—“

“Josh—“ Footsteps are coming up from the basement steps, and fuck, Elijah’s not ready to admit that he’d failed in the city, that he ran home with his tail tucked between his legs, and no. They don’t need to know. They don’t need to know. Not yet. Not until Elijah can get on top of things, until he can

When she reaches the top of the stairs, Amanda glances between them, offers a tentative smile. “Getting on, I hope?” She doesn’t wait for an answer, already heading for her bedroom with the laundry basket. “So nice to see the two of you in the same room without screaming…”

She leaves before Josh can say anything, thankfully, and with a pleased sigh, Josh holds the receipt back out. “S’cute. Taking a page out of your older bro’s book, lying to Mom and Dad.”

Refraining from reaching for the receipt, Elijah says, “I’m not lying to them. And would you stop it with the older bro shit?”

Holding his hands in mock surrender, Josh says, "All right. Just... interesting you're the one keeping secrets these days, is all."

Elijah watches him leave, jaw clenched, and lets out a frustrated groan when Josh is finally around the corner.

It's good, though, right, to meet people. In Easthallow. If he's going to be living here... he'll need a network. Grant can help with that.

He calls the number before he can tell himself not to.

"Elijah," he answers, and his voice is smoother, on the phone, than it really should be. "I wondered if you'd call."

"How do you know it's Elijah?"

A beat, then, "I had a feeling. I wanted to know if you’d be interested in getting a drink?” So the entire town can know about it. So Elijah can spend the evening shooting glances around the bar, wondering who he can trust and whether Grant’s one of those people or not. “About the Beast—“

And Elijah laughs, runs a hand through his hair, and wonders if the entire town is like this. “You don’t really believe in it, do you?”

“You’re meant to believe what you see, right?”

“I’ve seen this Beast,” Elijah says. “Didn’t seem so freaky to me.”

Grant makes a noise, like a scoff, but his voice holds no judgement. “Everyone knows about Viola.”

Fine. Just to sate his curiosity. “All right. Drinks, and you can tell me all about this furry little beast of yours.”

Grant meets him in town, dressed in a light jacket Elijah finds himself jealous of, in the misting cold. He reaches out for a handshake. "Good to meet you."

"You, too," Elijah says. "I thought I knew everyone in this town." He grew up here, went to school here. Graduated with twenty kids in his class. Grant... either he was older, younger, or... wasn't from here.

As though sensing Elijah's thoughts, he sends him a sidelong glance and says, "I grew up in the city. Parents divorced when I was little. Thought I'd do better there, but I always liked the country." His smile is warm, pleasant, and Elijah wonders if it helps with the cold or if he's blushing under Grant's gaze. "What about you?"

"City all the way," Elijah says. "Stepping in cow shit has never been my version of fun."

Grant laughs. It feels good, genuine; Elijah can't remember the last time he made someone laugh. "Plenty of other farms than cattle farms."

"Not according to my parents," Elijah says. "You know they started planting crops when I was fifteen, to help with running costs, and my dad flipped?" He did; Allan's a livestock man, through and through. Elijah still remembers the nights his parents stomped around downstairs, trying to make sense of their next plan.

"What happened? Nobody in Easthallow exports crops."

They take a seat at the bar. Grant holds up two fingers to the bartender, and soft country music plays from the corner of the room, and something settles in Elijah's stomach. He's used to drink menus, twenty minutes with Sean while he tries to decide what he wants, and it's like relief when the bartender slides two beers in front of them and disappears.

It's the little things Elijah loves about this town.

"I knew your brother," Grant says, as he digs his phone out his pocket. "Back in high school."

His mood sours, but Elijah tries not to let it. He peers into the bottle, thinks about downing it all in one go. Doesn't.

"He was a prick." Grant taps away on his phone. "Little fucker nearly drove my little sister insane."

Sounds like Josh. "He cheat on her? Josh is an asshole."

"Wouldn't give her the time of day, mostly. She thought they'd grow up, get married, have kids, whole nine yards. Josh found out and... she ended up homeschooling for the rest of high school."

He remembers that. Something faint, and, hell, Elijah didn't even know the girl, but Josh slept with her best friend and then there was all kinds of drama. Because of Josh. It's hard to believe anyone thought he was a catch, but people like the bad boy thing.

"Don't hold that against me, do you?"

Grant doesn't even lift his gaze to meet Elijah's. "If you were anything like your brother, you wouldn't be speaking with me."

He turns his phone to Elijah, finally, onto a homepage for THE BEAST OF EASTHALLOW. He clicks around a bit, checks out the first hand accounts--all written journalism style, with publishing dates and Grant's name at the top as the author--the photos.

"A lot of them are Viola," Grant says, gesturing to the phone with the beer. "She loves getting dressed ip on tourist weekends and scaring the shit out of the visitors in the cabins." He smiles, shakes his head.

"She's not the start of the rumor, then?" Elijah'd been sure... she could've seen something, made the costume as a joke, to keep people away from her house...

"Nah. Viola's big into local history. Or--Penny, her wife, is. Viola took a liking to the Beast 'cause it's mystical."

Grant's thigh rubs against Elijah's, just a little. Just enough to catch the fabric, enough for the pull to tune Elijah into how close they are everywhere. "Did you read the book?"

"Book?" Elijah echoes, then clears his throat. Grateful for the low lights that help hide his blush, Elijah adds, "Right. No. Didn't even crack the spine."

Like he expects it, Grant scrolls down through his phone again, until he stops at a very clear, very close photo. "This is the most famous ever taken. Fifteen years ago or something like that."

When Elijah lived here. Why the fuck didn't he ever hear about this? "Someone's screwing with me," Elijah says. "I grew up here, and we never had a fucking local cryptid, unless you count the town drunk."

"Fifteen years ago, no one used to see it."

"We don't see it now."

Tapping the screen of his phone, Grant says, "Twenty times in the last year."

It's Josh. It's gotta be fucking Josh, enlisting the entire fucking town, right? Found some freaky girl in the woods to scare him, some guy at the farmer's market to fuck with him, and...

That doesn't make sense, though. Josh didn't know he was coming, and Elijah hasn't been home that long. Is this... does Grant actually believe this shit? That there's really some fucking monster crawling around their little town? Easthallow's a trash heap, people and literal garbage. There’s no cause for why he might be…

Elijah huffs a laugh, shakes his head. Downs the rest of his beer and says, “So, okay. Let’s say I believe in your furry little friend, just for like, five seconds.” He’s still not convinced it isn’t Viola. That this entire set-up isn’t something done to fuck with newbies. “Why only see it now?”

The question of the hour. Grant glances up at him, his eyes twinkling. Something there lights a fire on all of Elijah’s nerves, leaves him feeling warm, pleased, arousal building in his stomach. Grant’s an attractive guy; the muscles that scream outdoor labor, a five o’clock shadow Elijah wants to feel against his skin. Dark eyes Elijah could get lost in, and smooth, tan skin, and hair just long enough to pull.

Shit, he’s tapping his phone again, eyebrow raised like he knows Elijah’s imagining being held down by him, and he says, “Hundred year anniversary of old man Lowell’s suicide.”

“He killed himself?”

“So said the newspapers,” Grant said. “Lots of conflicting reports, though. Another one said he died in the old mine tunnels. Pushed from the roof of the Carnegie library… One said he got caught in a wood-chipper.”

Grimacing, Elijah takes a drink of his beer. “Poor way to go.”

But Grant’s voice is thoughtful when he asks, “Is it? Head first, maybe…” He shrugs.

Silence settles between them, Elijah picking at the label on his beer, Grant tapping his fingers rhythmically on the bar top, before Grant finally says, “So what brings you to Easthallow?”

It isn’t a secret, not really, but Elijah hesitates nonetheless. It’s only been a few days since Elijah spoke to Sean, but it feels like it’s been weeks. Easthallow seems so far removed from the city. Always has. “Bad breakup,” he says, finally, then, “or—not really. Just a breakup.”

“He cheat on you?”

Elijah turns his gaze to Grant. How the fuck does he know. He asks as much, and Grant just chuckles, shrugs one shoulder. Ducks his head in something like embarrassment. “I haven’t told anyone.”

“You have a vibe,” Grant says. “Definitely not from here. Wouldn’t come to Easthallow unless you had family. No one comes here.”

“Viola and Penny?”

With a twitch of his lips, Grant says, “I stand corrected.”

Elijah finishes his beer. Returns it to the coaster. Beside him, Grant pockets his phone. “I could show you Old Man Lowell’s place, if you’re up for it.”

Making a face, Elijah says, “Doesn’t that place have to be ancient by now? How’s it still standing?”

Before Grant can answer, Elijah’s phone buzzes in his pocket, incessant against his thigh. He apologizes as he checks it—his mother.

“Sorry, dear,” she says, but sounds exhausted, “your father has a situation with the cattle. Can you come home, help him out?”

Like a child, Elijah says, “Isn’t Josh home to help.”

Her voice is thick with false sweetness when Amanda says, “I’m asking you.”

He doesn’t have much of a choice, then. Offers a tight smile to Grant when he gets off the phone, pockets his phone. “Dad needs me. Cattle probably got loose.”

But Grant’s gaze snaps to Elijah’s, and his questions are lightning fast, one after another, until Elijah reaches out and grips Grant’s wrist. Intimate, for a man he’d met earlier that day. For a man with a curiosity for the unknown and a crazy loom in his eye when he talks about it. “I’m sure he’d welcome the help. My brother’s useless.”

“Bringing a strange man back to the house already?” Grant tsks, but leaves a twenty on the bar as he stands. “What will your parents say?”

Nothing, if Elijah has anything to do about it. “My mother knows you my name. I’d hardly consider you strange.”

The farm is a cacophony of noises when Elijah arrives there. A loud barking, his father’s deep voice as he hollers, the loud, angry mooing of a cow that does not want to follow orders.

“Yikes,” Grant says, closing the door to the driver’s side of his SUV. “Suddenly glad my parents run an orchard.”

“It’s not always like this,” Elijah says by means of explanation. Never once has he heard a dog barking here. His father’s allergic. He can make out his mother standing at the edge of the field, though, makes his way across the yard towards her. Grant’s headlights shine out toward her.

“Elijah,” she says, gripping his arm as he stops by her side. “Your father’s been at this for an hour. Something spooked the cattle.”

No shit. Even from here he can make out the door to the barn, broken off the hinges. “Dad leave the barn open?”

Amanda shakes her head. “No. Strangest thing. The hinges are bent.”

A chill runs through him; the hair on the back of his neck stands up. He takes a quick glance around the yard—lit up by the emergency lights his father had installed—but sees nothing, save for Grant as he makes his way towards them. “Not surprising,” he says. “Cattle are strong. Especially if the bull got out.” A beat. “So someone broke in?”

She takes a second to glance Grant’s way, a twinkle in her eye as he reaches out to shake her hand. “Grant. Didn’t realize Elijah was bringing help.” Before he can offer anything by means of explanation, she adds, “The more the merrier.”

Another bark sounds from the field, and Amanda whistles. “And this fucking dog. No idea where it came from.”

At her whistle, the dog comes bounding up to her, tongue wagging out of its mouth. In the dark, it’s a little different, but Elijah would recognize it anywhere. “Rocky?”

He barks, wags his tail. Amanda looks between them with a frown. “You know him?”

Elijah reaches to scratch his ears. “I met his owner the other day—” He almost says in the woods; doesn’t want to tell her what he was doing out there. “—does he come here often?”

“More than we’d like.”

Behind them, Grant adds, “Could it have been the dog who spooked them?”

Amanda shrugs. “Not likely. Allan nearly got one back to the barn before it ran off again.”

“You guys check the barn out?”

What? No. Elijah really doesn’t want to go play detective right now. He wants to go to the field, help his father wrangle the half-dozen cows and the bull back into their barns. But Grant’s already eyeing the barn, and Elijah’s not going to leave him on his own.

Not until he trusts what the fuck is going on here.

“Be my guest,” Amanda says. “After that, can you guys head out to the field?”

“Will do, Mama.”

Rocky follows at their heels, quieting the closer the get to the barn. The hair on the back of Elijah’s neck still stands on end, but, save for his mother and Grant, the farm’s clear—nothing out of the ordinary.

Grant whistles as he pulls on the door. “Damn thing’s strong.”

“Thing would’ve taken a truck to pull it off the hinges like this.” Elijah rubs his hand along the bent metal. The hinges look twisted, ruined beyond repair, the metal worn and fragile in places. “They’d’ve heard it.”

“No one’s gonna take a damn truck to a barn door, either. Easier to steal the cattle out of the pasture.” Grant seems lost in thought for a few seconds, then pulls a small flashlight from his pocket. “And that’s still a lot of work for half a dozen cattle.”

Old cattle, too. Allan does it more as a hobby, now, than as a way to make money. Breeds the cattle, trades them to keep the bloodlines clean. Elijah remembers some of it from when he used to live here. His father’s trips to cattle auctions.

“Elijah,” Grant says. His tone, soft, strange, not quite a whisper but not his normal tone, piques Elijah’s interest, and he follows Grant’s gaze to where he’s brushing his fingers along where the door used to sit against the side of the barn. He doesn’t see anything at first, just like Grant’s pressing against nothing, and then…

Three long, thick gashes in the wood, splintering the siding out. Like nails, fingernails, but… there’s nothing that could do that. A bear, maybe a cougar, but… “You’re seeing this, too, right?”

Anger flares in Elijah’s stomach. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Josh. He’s always been a joker, but—fuck, getting the cattle involved in his homecoming prank on Elijah? This isn’t some petty joke he’s playing, built from an old sibling rivalry he won’t let go of anymore. This isn’t just between them, and as soon as Elijah gets him alone, he’s going to tear his brother a new one.

He turns on his heel, back towards the field, towards where he can hear his father making whooping noises towards the cattle in the dark. Josh is—damn it. Usually better about this sort of thing. It’s not the first time one of his jokes has gone too far, but it’s about to be the last.

He comes across one of the cows before he sees his father. Behind him, he hears Grant’s footsteps. The cow makes a noise, distressed, and starts to stand. Elijah holds a hand out, palm up, and says, “Easy girl, you’re okay,” in a voice he hopes is soothing.

Still, she only makes concerned noises, struggling to get up, get away. Elijah turns, slow, moves so she’ll run towards the house, not farther into the field, still talking in quiet tones. “Easy—let’s get you back to the barn, yeah? Back to sleep? Bet Dad’s got some treats for you. How ‘bout you follow me?”

She moos again; this time, her voice breaks, and she stands, slow, staring off into the darkness behind Elijah. “Grant, you’re freaking her out,” Elijah says. “Can you back away, just a bit?”

No sound, though; no answer. Not even footsteps as Grant moves. Elijah turns, ready to ask him again, when he sees it—fur, thick, eyes glowing yellow in the dark, shining in the light from the yard. It stands tall, taller than Elijah by at least a foot, and its teeth glimmer, sharp and long. Arms, impossibly long, hang at its sides, its chest heaving with each breath.

It’s different, up close. Taller, thinner. Creepier. He thinks about Viola, about how her costume looks up close, and knows, without a doubt, this isn’t her.

His throat goes dry, his blood rushes like a river through his ears. He can’t scream, doesn’t know what he would say if he could, and hopes to tell Josh off for this, later, when the thing snarls, and the next thing Elijah sees is the large, clawed hand that reaches out, as if from the shadows, and punches him in the head.

He doesn’t remember falling.

#easthallow #my writing #sorry mobile

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sunfish999 · 6 years ago

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if y’all ever wanted to know anything about me... i tried

hm I’m bored (i say this as i should be doing geometry homework

1. read: probably the paladin prophecy, or the finisher (just books i’ve read like 500 times, idk about understanding but--) watch: the vampire diaries? (idk i watched the entire series in 7th grade wygonnad) or aquamarine movie? listen to: XYLO, LUME, more specifically Need Nothing by Verite

2. bro i have no idea who they are actually but I’ve seen like 2 fanfic writers who write exactly like me and seem to think exactly like me i love that. also a reg writer? uh probably mark frost? i aspire to write like f scott fitzgerald but it never gonna happen hun (cos i wanna major in physics not literature lmao)

3. holy fuck lets pick like 3 fandoms, aight? uh first lets go w my hero academia? tokoyami ofc? next... percy jackson bich-- nico LMAO no maybe bianca? hm HARRY POTTER -- ginny prolly although i dont want to date harry (oops) The maze runner? tommy actually ;; naruto? fucKINH ROCK LEE BABE uhhhsdfhh star wars is anakin and voltron is lance (or pidge actually) i should stop buuuut yeao ok

4. i think my name is fine but i aint gonna share it here (also kinda wish my nickname was charly though thats all im gonna say ALSO yes laurel is a faux name yes

5. human being because i do nothing. lol but yes i think that who i am as a person should be based off my actions, for it is how i act that shows other people who i am, not ‘who i am inside’ dont make fucking excuses for your actions people

6. yea i believe in 1 god and i was raised as a catholic christian but i am accepting of all religions and views

7. i mean kinda??? idk im very polish and so i eat lotta polish food (gr8 stuff right there) but im just american so yea

8. muscial artists, well bitch i only started actively listening to lots of music (aka spotify) like last year but i listened to ari grande when i was young ofc but i dont rlly feel connected to her. maybe like, adele? probably her yea

9. yes i am a visual artist (preferred medium is watercolor) i looooove singing although i suck so i just do it for fun, i played the french horn for 2 years (also suck so not really lol) um i also write for fun and im good at writing informative essays (my school is big in the english program lol) i was also in 3 plays but i dislike theatre so no. also i like clothes i am a fashion artist wow

10. tf? idk? i have like 3 mottos: “if you want something done right, do it yourself” “the answer to existence is not why we are here, but how we affected others during our time here” “jack at all trades, master at none, better than a master at one “ “you don’t have to speak to be present” “consider how hard it is to change yourself and realize what little chance you have in trying to change others” “do the scary thing first, and get scared afterwards” “the very fact that you're actively looking for ways to become kinder, and attempting to understand your flaws and change them for the better is fair proof that you as a person, are kind.” OK YEA MAYBE I HAVE A CREED SO WHAT

11. ideal day lol art, reading, and binge watching tv in bed while eating. otherwise spending the day meditating in a forest in spring where its warm but not too warm and just not speaking the entire day

12. both. i have 3 cats and 2 dogs. love all of them dearly though i’d consider myself a human puppy vs a human kitty (im not a furry calm tf down)

13. outdoors, if you mean nature. if you just mean social activity, then indoors

14. as i said before, i like singing even though i suck, in grade school i learned the ukelele, piano, and french horn. i remember none of that now

15. influential books my ass. LETS GO: 1. into the wild (krakauer) 2. Fahrenheit 451 (cant remember author name but its fucking iconic and a classic and it made me think) 3. just gonna go an put harry potter because that shit changed my life 4. the hobbit? idk, iconic 5. i wanna read more literature-y books soon but whatever, i feel like i should say the great gatsby but honestly with writing my essay and everything i just dont give a shit anymore

16. ok i feel like if my parents werent as strict when i was younger id have less depression and be less stressed but then i would also care less about my grades and being kind and i like that about myself sooooo

17. lol this is EXACTLY me guys because its fucking anonymous as hell because i know none of you (except for like 2 mutuals but ive never met them irl but they’re cool) i dont trust my friends. or family, for that matter

18. my patronus is a wolf thanks for asking; and my power animal: symbolizes instinct, intelligence, and an appetite for freedom. embody personal power and balance between self-control and animal instincts. a guide to inspire you to live more freely

19. im a gryffindor, i took the pottermore test twice and got it both times, also, i took it doing the opposite and got slytherin, so i aint them (but i love slytherin sooo)

20. fuck are you serious? honestly hogwarts would be awesome as hell but probably middle earth because it still got the magic but it gorgeous as hell

21. yea i’d probably say i love easily since i like barely talk to my crushes and yet i think i really really like them because GODDAMN

22. school. daydreaming. eating. phone. drawing.

23. i feel like once i move out for college i’d like em a heck of a lot more, so probably like at least once a month? when i’m older? like at least once every 2 months? i love my extended fam though

24. oh fuck my friend from school and i fucking liked chinchillas when we were little, we always text each other the same thing at the same time, i always know what shes thinking and what the basis for her actions is. shes the bff that doesnt always act like it all the time

25. fuck yes

26. pansexual and PROUD but still in the closet except for the whole internet and 3 friends

27. ok honestly i feel like i dress kinda like a basic girl just more minimalistic and modest but i kinda totally want the gays to recognize me and also i fucking want those patterned polos because hell to the yes. and also i want bangs but i do sports and i feel like id look ugly because everyone says they would (waiting til college, naturally) otherwise love my freckles and real dark eyes

28. honestly, probably like a 2-3. i don’t care SO much about what people think, but i’m fucking annoyed by really dumb things super easily. i’m just really good at hiding it so no one ever knows

29. why music wtf OK: 1. need nothing - verite, 2. lover like me - off bloom 3. strapped - FOOL

30. why the FUCK all my quotes are in my creed bitch lemme search :

“growing up is giving up”

thanks for listening to my TED ED talk aaaaand i hope you know me a bit better and i hope i didn’t accidentally give away too much info and someone will come kill me ok BYE

#questionaire #question aesthetic #askthetic #ask #tag urself #if you want

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whatmycharactersthink · 6 years ago

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I keep forgeting to write this

So my first campaign ended after about 4-5 months of playing and its only hitting me now that im not gonna be able to play the character that is my orc turned moon elf bard named Thortdrick whom i have played made jokes out of and eventually become the lovable brute of the party that loved cute shit. I would love to thank the dm @personalposting for dealing with my inexperience wifh the game for so long and making the world a good time in general by including your old characters to make it feel real enough to where i could imagine it clearly. I would love to thank @2-many-fandoms-2-count for being there at the very start with your little sea elf bard Leshanna and creating a duality with your character and mine with my big brute and your small little girl. I would love to thank @maplemarcher for even though you didnt join at the start i greatful that you were one of the players that joined the campaign. I loved hearing you use your fake western accent even when you werent roleplaying I loved that you made your half-orc bard warlocke gaz so lovable. I hope gaz and lesh's marriage goes well. And for the fourth player i dont think he has a tumblr soooooooo. I would like to thank Mr.M for also joining the campaign with your goliath bard ranger "charles" (sorry buddy you only said his name once and i dont remember it) and your panther who charles keeps thonking is a dog. He was a very silent guy but he was a very lovable giant of a man who got ptsd from one of the npcs trying to fuck him. Lastly I would love to thank all of you again for making my first dnd campaign such a memorable one. I will never forget when you guys didnt lure the demi lich away from me so i just kept getting up and falling back to 0 over and over again. I wont forget the first fight of the campaign with lesh and thortdrick fighting a minotaur in a bard contest. Ill never forget the day that gaz and charles joined the party and them just going "do you get attacked at every show?" And we did. I'll never forget when the dm got fed up with leshs player kept trying to guess the opponent's ac so she just changed them randomly. Ill never forget the only person who ever died in the entire campaign. Me. Ill never forget gaz and leshs wedding. The water elemental fight. The fight with the ghost that made thortdrick and charles around 70 years old by the end thus making thortdrick the oldest living orc in existence. Ill always remember the times when we met our apprentices gaz and sai, thortdrick and keith, leshanna and val, charles and james. Ill never forget fhe discussions that ended in everybody thinking that if you paired any two of them it would work and eventually we were all like why not just pair all of them together. at. the. same. time. I wont forget the dm asking me if dieing and turning my character into a moon elf was ok, I was like fuck yeah its your world do what you want. Ill remember the last fight with the demilich and how it was really emotional at the end. Oh and how the lich turned into a demi lich. I know this is completely out of order but it was just so much fun reminiscing as i wrote this and different events came out in the wrong order. I know we have plans to play together again once our schedules become managable but i hooe its sooner rather than later. Sincerely, your very own dumbass.

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mostdramaticqueen · 3 years ago

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I feel like shit again

Fucking hell

I havent posted here since 2019?

Well its 2022

Things got better and better and worse and better and amazingly well and then it hit me

Im not perfect.

I dont even try anymore

Ive tried before. I did my best. My best wasnt enough. Others try more than me. My dad will never appreciate me and the work i put.

Not that it matters now. I dont try anymore. Im useless

I just entertain people at this point. Im a fucking clown. They laugh at my jokes and sometimes at me. They love me. Not because they admire or respect me. They will say otherwise. They say im more than that. Thats the default sentance and everyone knows it. Theoretically, i am more than that yes. But none of that is actually usefull. And they dont love me for that. They want me because they laugh at me. I get drunk easily and i say dumb shit and ridicule myself and they like that

They are not shitty people. Hell no. They dont mean no harm. They never would. And they try to support me in any way they can.

But if i werent funny, would they?

What even am i anymore. I am not the smart kid. They cant assume im smart. Nobody ever did. But i used to have proof that i was.

Now? Im just a clown with perfectly average grades. I hate it. I sometimes hate myself. I try not to say it. But i do. I wish i was the person my family sees in me. Pretty and smart and kind. But i talk back and i dont take care of myself every day and i say dumb shit all the time. And i dont know why im special.

I used to be something. Raw potential. Now? Thats not a thing. There is a hope deep down that i will have a postgraduate degree too. Cause im smart, right? And studying is what im good at, right?

And if i just t r i e d then i could do it, right?

I just wanna be enough and be useful and be proud of me for once

I want my dad to be proud of me and call me brave and his little lion and mean it this time. I dont want him to take it back again. Please love me like i need to be loved please please please please please

I dont wanna be a failiure, i wanna be perfect

Yet right now im crying instead if studying

Pathetic. Im overreacting again

God im so dramatic. I should just do it. Get rid of my phone and i can do it. Right? Yeah. No more distractions. Like my head telling me i suck. Like my thoughts telling me my dad is judging me and my studying technique. Why is he commenting on it? He was horrible at school. Shut up and stay in your lane. Be the best boy in your school council or town council or work or model agency or whatever. You are the best at everything after all right?

How could i ever compete with you? How could i ever make you proud? You cant even make urself proud and you have achieved all that

I hate you i hate you i love you please love me please be proud of me please dont judge me or my mum or siblings please please im fragile and you hate it when i break down. You would never do that right? You build all your emotions up and then you burst in anger and flames and you dont care if you insult us. We are incompetent. Our dog would have learnt to behave already right?

God i wanna have an adhd diagnosis so bad. Would you like that? Are you so afraid of having a retarded child? A motherfucking loser who cant even remember to wash the fucking dishes??? I KNOW YOU WOULD HATE IT. STOP SAYING YOU LOVE ME AND THAT YOU MISS ME. YOU DONT. YOU HATE THE REAL ME . EVEN WORSE. YOU DONT HATE ME . YOU ARE DISAPPROVING. YOU ARE DISSAPOINTED. I SEE YOU DIE EVERYTIME I DONT REACH MY POTENTIAL. DIE INSIDE THEN. BURRY THOSE FEELINGS TOO. STOP HURTING ME PLEASE. IT HURTS. IT HURTS TO HATE MYSELF PLEASE.

I dont wanna hate myself anymore

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rrrawrf-writes · 6 years ago

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some hospital time after this

swearing tw

Javier scratched the inside of his wrist and stared at the pool of blood.

It wasn’t his. He thought, distantly, that if it that blood had belonged to anyone else but Milt, he wouldn’t be here. But it was Milt’s, and Javier was here, himself, instead of trusting Holly to go over the details.

He would be fine. He had to be fine.

He opened his eyes again and pushed up the sleeve of his jacket. A thin red scar crossed his wrist, newer than the multiple others. Javier had gotten a cup of ice on his way in, and he plucked out an ice cube now, before setting the cup down at a table near the door of the lab. Stepping further inside, Javier idly rubbed the ice cube over the inside of his wrist.

Milt had suggested he try that one out. Javier wasn’t sure that it helped.

A few forensics agents still lingered, going over the scene for the third or fourth time already. Little numbered tabs were set out by items of import, and no one had cleaned up Milt’s blood, or Dixon’s, or Winter’s. A set of red pawprints tracked to the door; Javier wondered what the dog would be able to tell them, through Archer.

Who is Winter? Javier had asked that, again and again, as many times as Milt had asked him. And it wasn’t until very recently that he’d finally gotten an answer, one that made his stomach churn.

How many generations would they ruin, just because each new group of children showed promise?

Javier turned to the side, stepped around a support pole, and stopped short at the sight of a chair, leather restraining straps dangling from the arms. And beyond that, a table, with a set of tubes and syringes and little white bottles laid out in methodical, precise lines.

It was noon, and spotlights blared in every corner, but Javier’s sight darkened at the corners of his vision. He could feel straps on his arms and legs, medical tape holding a thin, plastic tube to his skin. Every individual pinprick in the crook of his elbows and inside his forearms prickled.

“Barcos blancos en agua negra,” crooned a voice in his memories.

“Javier?”

He startled at the light touch on his elbow, tore his eyes away from the syringe sitting on the table, next to the chair, and stared down at Holly’s worried, wide brown eyes.

“Are you all right?” she asked. Javier hesitated, then shook his head.

“Thank you,” he said. “What did you need?”

A small crease appeared in between Holly’s eyebrows, but she didn’t ask. She probably already knew what was bothering him. Javier looked down at his hands, and realized he’d lost the ice cube somewhere. Hopefully that wouldn’t contaminate anything.

“Your phone was ringing in the hall, so I answered. It was the hospital. Milt Parker’s awake.”

At least Milt had picked a good spot to get shot in the chest. The labs might have been closed for the weekend, but the hospital across the way was not, and had more than enough facilities and personnel to care for the gunshot victims. Javier did not feel any more at ease among the nurses in their scrubs, passing by the occasional visitor carrying balloons or teddy bears or the weight of a shattered world on their shoulders. He stared at the back of Holly’s head as she led him along the sterile white hallways, trying to keep his mind following the tune of a cello sonata. He didn’t realize he was scratching at his wrist again until Holly turned and frowned at him.

“We’ll have to get you some mittens,” she joked. “Where’s your ice?”

Javier didn’t know. Holly sighed quietly, before they rounded a corner and found room 408. “Here we are,” she said, and then hesitated, glancing to Javier. “Do you want me to wait outside?”

He nodded, even though when he stepped into the room, closing the door behind him, Javier almost regretted the decision.

Dixon and Milt had been put into the same room. From the reports, Dixon hadn't been in as much danger, but she still slept heavily. The lights were off, the only illumination filtering in as slices through the window blinds. Javier tightened them closed a little more, before he sat down next to Milt’s bed.

The soldier hadn't even acknowledged his presence.

“Milt.” Javier kept his voice low, but the other man finally glanced at him. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m not.” Milt’s voice was flat and toneless, in a way that made Javier’s head snap up. Had he been drinking - but he was in the hospital, of course not, and Javier knew what Milt was like on pain meds. It wasn't this quiet, still, shell of a man.

Javier hesitated, then asked, “Did anyone tell you what happened?”

“Only that Dixon will be fine. Eventually.”

This wasn't Milt. Even drunk, even drugged, Javier knew he should be far more concerned than his dispassionate, empty voice showed. Milt sounded like -

Milt sounded like him. Like Javier.

Javier looked down and realized he was scratching the inside of his wrist. He forced himself stop, as Milt said, “Tell me.”

“Your daughter was taken by the woman who shot you,” Javier said warily, watching Milt. “We don't know where, or who she is or who she’s associated with. Winter is -”

“I don't want to hear about Winter.” There was a hard edge to Milt’s voice as he stared at the ceiling, the most expression he’d yet to show. It wasn't enough, Javier thought.

Milt closed his eye. “The medication is messing with my vision. I can't sleep.”

Javier dug his fingernails into the skin of his forearm and dragged them down the long, thin line to his hand. “Are you seeing anything - valuable?”

“No,” Milt said. He sighed and put a hand over his face. “Only monsters. Only myself.”

He’d explained before what narcotics did to his foresight. Javier looked down at his hands. “Do you want me to…?”

Milt drew in and exhaled a long, ragged, pained breath. His voice was just as broken when he whispered, “Please.”

Javier reached out and brushed his knuckles against the back of Milt’s hand. Asking had probably been unnecessary - besides Holly, Milt was the only powered person Javier knew that wasn't bothered when his power was nullified.

But this time, Milt sucked in a breath. And then he lurched in the bed, grabbing onto the arm rails to try and push himself upright.

“Shit,” Milt gasped, and then, with more feeling, “shit.”

“Milt -”

“Fuck - Fuck, Javi, she’s gone, she’s gone and I couldn't stop it - I fucked up, I ruined everything-”

Javier put his hands on Milt’s shoulders and pressed down - a little too hard, he realized, when Milt let out a gasp of pain. He was crying, now, tears welling from underneath his eyepatch, and Javier felt a sudden surge of panic. It was hardly the first time he’d seen Milt cry, but never like this -

“Lie down, lie down,” Javier said, keeping as firm a pressure as he could on Milt’s shoulders. It didn't take much, and Javier suddenly realized that Milt had lost weight, since he’d seen him last.

Milt raised a hand, trying feebly to bat Javier away, but Javier just grabbed it and held tight. The bullet had hit more to the right than the center, and a little high; Milt couldn’t move his right arm without a great deal of pain. “Milt, it’s - it’s fine,” Javier said, “we’ll find her -”

“I lost her -”

Javier didn't know what to do. He looked across Milt’s bed - but the privacy curtain between them and Dixon was pulled shut, and he couldn't tell if she was awake or not. Milt’s words broke down into sobs, and Javier slowly, slowly eased up on him, and then sat back.

He took Milt’s hand again. Javier’s phone buzzed in his pocket with a text, but he ignored it.

“It’s okay, Milt,” Javier murmured, even though it wasn't, and Javier wasn't sure how he could do anything to smooth things over. Milt and half his team had acted without orders, effectively gone rogue - the exact thing they were supposed to prevent. Javier had been scrambling for days, trying to find a way to justify their actions, and calling in favors. He only hoped it would be enough.

It had to be enough.

“I failed her.”

Javier look at Milt, but he was staring at the ceiling again. “I failed her, even though - even though I tried, I didn't - I didn't know -”

“It wasn't your fault,” Javier said, and Milt let out a bitter laugh, harsh with self-loathing and disgust.

“It was, Javi. Just like it was my fault that Tucker died, and Charly - if I stayed, maybe - maybe -”

Javier wrapped his other hand around Milt’s. His phone vibrated again. “Milt,” he said, quietly. “It happened. I’m sorry. The only thing you can do now is rest.”

“I don’t want to rest.” Milt’s voice was tiny, child-like, and Javier understood the helplessness behind it all too well.

“I know,” he murmured. Javier stayed there, holding Milt’s hand and keeping his visions at bay, until the soldier finally cried himself to sleep again. Even then, Javier didn’t let go until his phone went off a third time. Sighing, Javier only peeled away one hand, pulling his cell out of his jacket inside pocket.

Talked to director. Said it would be divulging prior client info, so were kicking it upstakrs, str8 to mercury. Driving now, will let u kno if M will allow.

Sorry tl hear about ur pirate buddy. If u need a healer, lmk, but he’s few states away & v pricey. Wish u werent having a rough time. If u ever get sick of gov work, we’re hiring ;)

Director says we’ll hire the pirate, too.

#milt #milt n char #javier #superpowerverse #collab #au #haphazardlyparked #mugd #mugged #dsa #sorry tes i didn't give you very much of anything to bounce off of #iwrite

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irregulardiaryposts · 4 years ago

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16:35 01/03/2021

so. its now march!!!!! march is an okay month. but it also means its been a year since corona really kicked off and thats proper weird to think about. it feels like absolutely fuck all has actually changed but yet im a very different person yk. i played minecraft for 10 hrs last week. im addicted to it. this time last year i was kinda sick and we thought i had corona but since testing wasnt really available i just had to stay home ages. it was horrible but to think that was a whole YEAR ago is absolutely fucking wild.

anyway back to minecraft. i absolutely love it. its such a simple game and you can truly play however you want to. like. if u dont want to bother beating the enderdragon or doing any serious grind stuff, you can literally just fuck about doing whatever you wanna do... u wanna build a little cottage in the woods? yes. u wanna pick lowers and decorate and build cute farms? yes. u wanna explore a vast and expansive world filled with literally endless possibilities and find pets and loot and different biomes and blocks? yes. you wanna mess around with ur friends? yes. u wanna do pvp or multiplayer games? yes. u wanna meet new people? yes. u wanna play by yourself and become exceedingly rich? yes. u wanna do all this and comforted by the melodic tunes and beautiful landscapes? yesssssssss. it literally has something for everyone but people get so pissy about how others play its soooo annoying. like so what if someone wants to go into creative and cheat or they wanna play on peaceful or they have keep inventory on? they are playing the game in the way they enjoy the most, the way that makes them happiest, makes them comforted, allows then to enjoy playing it. coz i bet if everyone was made to play the exact same way and there was no way to customise your experience, it would not be nearly as popular as it is. it probs wouldve died out if people werent enjoying it because they got frustrated by it, or too scared to lose their things to progress in the game, or too anxious to play because its scary and they dont know how to beat things. or if people play solely in creative and they enjoy that the most and wanna try survival, they dont deserve to get made fun of coz they want to ease their way into harder things. or if someone just wants to build or just explore or just tame a million dogs, as long as they are happy they are already enjoying the game to the max, they dont deserve people being like “ if u play without X youll enjoy it more coz thats the way we play it” like fuck off it would be like if a hardcore players was like “play in hardcore or ur stupid” ppl would get mad because thats not the way they want to play it and they wouldnt enjoy it as much or at all as the hardcore player does. and dont even get me started on this whole bedrock vs java bs. this its such a waste of time like??? who benefit from this argument? because its silly java players think they are automatically better than every bedrock player because they have java.

like obviouslyyyyyy java is better and im sure a lot of bedrock players would rather java, but u cant lie and say that a lot of og players didnt start on bedrock and then upgrade to java, because as kids u cant really afford a proper pc but everyone has an xbox or an ipad lol. like they literally forget that they probably started playing on bedrock too. and its so stupid because yes while bedrock is a little shit in comparison to java, ITS STILL THE SAME FUCKING GAME just be glad were not fucking fortnite players jesus its pathetic. yes this is essentially a minecraft post and what fucking about it. i told u im obsessed with it.

i should talk about something else. perhaps my crippling procrastination? its absolutely abysmal how shit at school i am now. i get two unconditional offers and suddenly i think i dont need to do a single bit of work (its kinda true tho) i only have three classes and in doing 1 and 1/2 of them. im not even bothering studying for prelims/exams whatever the fuck because im hopeless. theres no point because even if i do end up doing the exam and i fail theres absolutely no consequences because i have 0 shame. ill walk out of an exam i failed with my head held high because i know uni will be so much better - ill only have one subject, one i actually enjoy and want to do work for (only somewhat tho, my procrastination problems still carry through, im actually doing this instead of a 15 min thing for class but whatever) ill have a reduced working day, i can focus on just one subject, ill have other things to work on too like a part time (scary) and car (exciting) and ill get to meet new people that also want to learn spanish and are interested in it too, and i want to make more friends and i want to be more independent (moving out??? hopefully but also scary)

i cant believe im actually at a point in my life where im actually interested in the future and want to live to see it (lol yeah) like i wonder what 13 yo me would think. even 15 yo me. i wonder how 20 yo me will look back on this. hi me if ur reading. do u have a s/o?? or new friends? how many new experiences have u had? are u comfortable in ur life? struggling ? happy? i hope ur happy coz u deserve to be. i deserve to be. i hope u have a good time reading these. i dont know if ill ever forget about this blog or not. what was i talking about tho. procrastination. its horrible, I hope u get that fixed pls tell me u do. also please tell me u get better at typing. this has accidently turned into a speaking to ur future self thing. ill stop now.

im a very good procrastinator. and my ability to actually focus on stuff has been getting comical. idk if its the pandemics fault or mine or schools but is a bloody issue and it needs to get better. i guess its coz i just have absolutely 0 energy do do what i need to or it just absolutely does not interest me to do it and i know theres absolutely no consequences to it looool.

every now and then theres a day where i feel very unproductive and lazy and it feels like how it used to. a sort of growing annoyance at myself and feeling like a slug. idk some days i feel teleported back to like almost 4 years ago and idk what to do about it. i used to have a coping mechanism (?) where if i felt bad about stuff id just shower, wash my hair and put on new pjs and do something i wanted to do. it kinda put me in a clearer headspace and allowed be to get out of a slump for like 20 mins. u could call it self care or whatever but it genuinely was like washing the bad thoughts away and starting anew (is that the word) like i was able to think more rationally and get back into the semi real world but i was also doing it because i never used to have a proper shower routine, i used to go days without showering or getting out of bed for much and it kinda feels good to have this little reboot thing where i just shower to get me away from straying back there.

idk. am i articulating well enough. ive written a lot i think. is there any more updates? nothing really apart from my growing disinterest in all things school lmao. anyway until next time i suppose (will probs be either never or like june lol)

#this is horrible rambling #i dont think i make a singular concise point #anyway that doesnt matter because i do what i want #im listening to mincraft music at the moment did i tell u that #i goddamn love this music #it is literally better than the beatles #im prepared to fist fight anyone that says otherwise #maybe not actually i dont think i could be bothered hahahahahahahahahahahahah #march 2021 entry #2021 the year of fun

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cheswirls · 7 years ago

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oooooh my god

i like expected it to end like that when lotor fired the shot but STILLLL that was heartwrenching s5 is gonna be packex in the beginning like who thought it would EVER go liek this

and keith like erhwgohwebr he was willing and SHIT that was like who asnt crying when that moment came and then the shot came and ooohohhhhhhhhhhh my god

that really enver ever crossed my mind. when he heard the area was gonna be gone and we see jus a few scenes of him w his eyes closed, like hes so tired and trying to rest for jus a moment, i thorugh he headed towards it bc rly, this is a cartoon i know but really, i thought it was a ‘im gonna die anyway’ mindset not a ‘let me save the day and join their side’ thing i never EVER considered that that was a shocker

and the shot was such a crisp thing from that distance too and jus before keith rammed it and can i have a lil moment for keith-matt bonding despite like did they ever really meet in person i dont remember?? but wow they like had rly good communication adn shit that was really cool to see

but oh my god back to that final moemnt jeez that was absolutely such a shocker. at the very least i thought lotor would go there bc he thought voltron would save the day and he’d be safe there kinda hidden out like if galra forces werent going there anyway. but he jus. decides so savew the day. jus like that.

it makes me wonder where acxa and crew are now like they talked abt bargaining for lotor but zarkons as much as a nazi as his soldiers i rly dont think theyd be accepted as halfbreed galrans but they seemed to think they had a shot. maybe theyre on the run now too?? bc they did say theyd lost their bargaining chip so who knows where they are now.

okay but is narti dead tho??? bc i thought she wa jus knocked out and i rly idnt think even that happened when they showed lotor breaking the space and like cutting off haggar’s reach of her but then she was down and they jus left her like he didnt even explain it was haggars doing does he know/??? is narti gonna come back and be all like yee your mother was controlling me boi quit that or????

shiiiiiit that was intense. i mean not as intense as other things, like the end of s2 that THAT was intense, but it like you didnt know wht was gonna happen here like it wasnt do or die like s2 ending like it wasnt made out as dire somewhere in your mind you know theyd make it out but the consequences of failing were. wer out there. like. wo.w and jus keith. jus him willing to do that. and matt/the coalition crew realizing and full blown panicking was really gut wrenching that was wow. a wow moment.

did anyone expect keith to flat out leave voltron tho’/?? liek they gave him screen time nd shit but thats a little unexpected. makes you wonder how many times theyll change the paladin lineup now. i cant see lotor as one bc of his fancy comet ship but maybe allura steps down and they become a sorta force together??/ i dunno. theres a lot of possibilities

i rly liked how they were so understanding of keith tho like i expected the team to blow up and be all like ;this is bigger than you’ and lance to honest to god say ‘besides shiro youre the best pilot we need you’ even tho thats sucha hit of his selfworth there on his pilot pride but no they jus. digpiled him. said they understood. were so supporitve. get yourself a supportive group like the voltron squad.

iiiiiiiiiiii cannot believe that ending that was absolutely insane wild like even knowing full well he’d try and offer an allegiance once he fired that shot on the galra ship and keith pulled back in time like okay real quick what reflexes??? youre fully prepared to die like max three seconds away from it and have the instincts to back up and pull outta there liek boy??? what kinda skill. but ye despite knowing lotor would do that when he put out that broadcast signal and told him hey we should have a talk here i jus saved you allafter all that STILL blew my mind.

real quick did keith maybe see the ship or did he jus guess abt the shot being from lotor bc of the power?? bc that explosion was like point blank range for him i think he mightve guessed despite it being such an outrageous guess. which is.. iunno how to feel about that. actually.

but yea ending thoughts aside season four was GREAT fantastic even despite sorta filler ep 4 it was goood!!! i hope they explained abt lotor and the warp dimension tho bc if they used all their quintessence to cross over and didnt end up with the limitless amount how did they get back??? and other things like proper introduction to the wolf/coyote/dog coalition pilot w the pretty voice that would be nice.

ALSO an in depth explanation of what kinda magic shit allura pulled to get voltron out of naxzila(which i thought was naksilla until i looked on the netflix summary of ep 6 thx netflix aha) and like more in depth on the magic in the voltron verse pls pls pls.

good good gooooood overaa ll!!! thx for reading this mess of thoughts

#vld #s4 #voltron spoilers #voltron #i keep typing vontrol im such a goddamn mess rn

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swampgallows · 7 years ago

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something inside me has been killing me for years and i can’t pinpoint what it is and i don’t know how to make it stop.

i guess i could have been working all of this time. i’ve wasted a lot of time since i stopped working. i told my parents i was going to be working on my writing and my art and my DJing and i have barely done any of that. i havent been able to write my next chapter for months. nothing has come to me. and the story is a stupid fanfiction so it’s not really worth anything, it’s not like i’m working on the next great american novel or whatever. i havent finished the illustrations i wanted to do for my zine so i haven’t released that yet either. im barely scraping by on gift art. it took me 5 months to order the lathe cut for myself but i did finally do -that-. and im barely on the second section of coding. everything feels so difficult and i can’t focus on a single thing at a time. i’ve been trying to figure my life out but all of my avenues seem empty.

last night i thought if i could pretend to be someone else that wanted to take care of me, i would be able to take care of myself. after an entire day of not eating, around 1am i guess i finally got something to eat. i’d had “drinkable yogurt” earlier but this was actually semi-solid food i was making. soup and grilled cheese. i spent enough time outside with the dog that i got a little chilled and figured i’d have that. nothing sounded appetizing. as i was sitting outside with xena i kept seeing things move and flash in the night and froze up with terror. they werent real, of course, but i saw them anyway. little spirit beasts flitting through the darkness.

i’ve been trying to keep my head above water. part of me knows that i really wouldnt be able to have kept working. i would have snapped at somebody or been Too Ill. i would have shown too much, the non-professional me. there is no professional me. i feel like no matter how hard i’d try, even if i wanted to, i would always be tangentially askew from the pulsing Thing to which everyone else is tied. i cannot ever be part of this Thing that everyone else is part of. I dont think it’s the kind of thing that dropping E and suddenly feeling the Unity or whatever will solve. i dont think a rush of endorphins will make me feel like i belong to society. i feel like i am a liminal entity and i have to exist in an in-between state or i will cease to exist at all. i dont fully know what i mean by that except that i feel like i must always be on my way somewhere. i would rush out of work and class and anywhere else, i walk anywhere i can and listen to music and check out mentally and physically from everything else. i live in my head where it is safe, and that is not safe. the internet is almost like a real version of this; existing as a liminal, safe, curated Self, a self away from the self, a place detached from my body and lifestyle and anything else. its a great equalizer where everybody has a say no matter where or who they are.

i have written for over ten years now that i want to run away. i suppose i want to run away from myself but i’m not sure how true that is anymore. i dont know where i want to go. i have no destinations. just “away”. i’ve been wanting to go to rotterdam for half of my life. i had always wanted to travel, of course, but there was never anything i wanted to actually do or see except to one day go to the netherlands and go to a nightmare in rotterdam or something like that, and now it’s finally happening. and it’s bigger than Nightmare, it’s THUNDERDOME. i never thought i would have the chance to go to a Thunderdome party in my lifetime but i’m alive and it’s happening and it’s like i cant even envision what i want to do or anything. i just want to get there, and be there, and exist in a place that isn’t here, and look at clouds, and smell different air, and see different buildings, and then dance my balls off all night to some really, really, really great music. this should feel like my wedding day but instead i just feel ...hard. i feel like i dont deserve it, or like it’s not actually going to happen, or like i will just ruin everything, or that somebody else will.

nate was talking to me about all of these self-started self-accomplished people he’s been hanging out with and how he feels so pressured by their sheer level of success. he is also self-made and successful but feels like he’s supposed to be even more so. i dont know if i want success. i dont have anything to succeed at.

my friend, who is an older friend but i had to keep at arm’s length a while, has come back into my life recently to help me with coding. granted, he’s drunk 99% of the time he talks to me, but he’s at least trying to encourage me to stick with it. he always wants to voice chat with me but i usually dont have the energy, or i’m doing something else. he keeps telling me about all the success i could have—”it's a journey but it's well worth it, and it's just a topic that you'll never exhaust as long as you live, which is true of the best topics worthy of devoting time to, and you're super smart, you'll have no issue with this -- just keep it up over a couple of years, just chipping away at it, and the career that's ahead of you could be so interesting”—and i feel like i just... don’t care. about any of it. about anything. sure i’d like to make/have a lot of money, i guess, just to keep my comforts. but then what? im living with my parents who i know actually do care about me, but don’t seem to, or just “support” me.

when i finally got up the courage? stamina? delusion? to pretend to be someone else and grill me a cheese, i was feeling a little okay. i was feeling proud that i took initiative to at least fucking feed myself, since i barely seem capable of doing that. i was keeping up steam until i heard my mom crying from another room, “Where’s my baby girl? is that my baby?” and i knew she wasnt talking about the dog, and my heart dropped through my chest and i just wanted to die. “What do you want?” i snipped, trying to answer her but unable to hide my contempt apparently. “I just wanted to see you” or some such shit, i dont even remember what she said. “can i help with anything?” no “may i hug you?” (at least she asked) i don’t want to be hugged right now. “okay. im sorry you’re so unha--that youre not feeling good--- i hope you feel better...” and she hobbled away.

it was like 130 in the morning and i was standing over “45 calorie” wheat bread that had been thawed. my illusion of being someone that i was not—someone who gave a shit about me—was broken, and i felt like a fucking idiot, and i felt caught in the act of pretending, and i felt embarrassed, and i felt like... how dare i try to be something im not. how dare i imagine for even a fucking moment that im not genetically and financially and whatever the fuck else chained to this fucking family and all of my inherited neuroses and everything else. that she made an appearance specifically to disrupt whatever the fuck it was i was doing. because she had offered to cook me a thousand things and i didnt want any of them, and i didnt want her to take care of me, because im never going to be able to take care of myself, and when i finally took a course of action to actually try to feed myself my mom couldnt STAND it, apparently, and had to, still, offer to “help” when im MICROWAVING A CAN OF SOUP AND PUTTING BREAD ON A PAN. how could she HELP? she couldnt. she just had to fucking make her presence there because god forbid i do a single fucking thing on my own. i’m... 27 years old... for christ’s sake... i dont need “supervision” to toast some kraft singles onto bread... and if i did, i would ask.

or maybe i wouldnt. im not good at asking for help. even when i know i need it. i dont like owing people things or asking for favors. it just proves how worthless i am and that im dependent on other people and cant do anything by myself and that anything i do by myself fucks up. at least if i fuck up whatever it is i’m doing i wont have to drag anybody else into it.

so i finally ate and after a few hours of cramps and being unable to even eat without feeling like i was gonna throw up, i spent like an hour in the bathroom regardless, immediately purging whatever it was i dared to eat.

i dont know how to get better. part of me is afraid of getting better. if i have a good thing it will just be ruined. all i do is hold people back and im tired of getting in people’s way. im tired of making a bunch of wrong decisions and then half the time not even being able to own them. im tired of feeling like life is just happening to me and knowing that i dont have control over anything.

#blathering

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damein-the-reaper-blog · 5 years ago

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I recently moved to California it is nice an all but the people I moved up here with I just want to sock.

Let me explain. I came up here with $700. Only $100 went to gas. One of the two, which is a couple, paid the same. Which was nice. I didn’t have to waste $200 on gas. Then I spent about close to $300 on food since at the time I didn’t have food stamps. The rest was spend on weed for them. Yes I know probably wondering why I did so. The guy has back problems and weed helps him not feel it. Understandable. I’m also a nice guy. So I gave them the money. What upset me is that they don’t know how to conserve the weed. It was about $300 in weed that probably lasted less than a month. And it wasnt a full here is $300. I gave them that in totally within a month. See what I mean? Yes I could have said no. But his back problems are so bad that he will puke. I can’t stand that AT ALL. So of course no matter what I will step forward. Of course he paid me back in gas money and little bit of weed for myself at the time. Which is fine. But over the time I have been here. He has asked about 5 more times for weed money. He gets money checks for his back. And most of it also went towards weed. So I spent another $300 on them. That in totally is $600. I COULD HAVE HAD THAT FUCKING SAVED FOR BILLS. I’m not upset about what was already paid back. I’m just now realizing that they owe me close to $250. And here I was thinking he only owed me $60. And I know the guy isnt this dense to not realize this.

But thats not all.

About 3 times he said we ALL, meaning all three of us, should start growing a pair and keep the guest house clean. We use the dishes. I said every time that I have been waiting on them cause I was cleaning up after them. I did the dishes, I took their trash and put it in the trash bin, put their recycling in bags, as well as clean the porch of their dishes and trash, and sweeped everywhere. I’m a person that would keep a hotel as nice as they present it so that the cleaners wouldn’t have to do much or even nothing at all.

The guy proposed that since me and his gf work that he will be house bitch. His words not mine. So I was holding him up to it. And most of the time the guest house was fucking disgusting. Of course I blew up about it. Yet he twisted it around and was mad I was coming at him. I tried explained my past to him and either I was cut off and he explained his past or he wasnt really listening. And at the end he said he wanted to sock me for blowing up. Yes I could have not come at him the way I did. But can you blame me? I have a past of being a shadow to everyone and mostly stepped on by others. And most of the time already spend up here was cleaning up after them. And he wants to say that? I know he isnt dense. It was obvious 100% that they were using me.

Then later I thought everything was cool. Hoping that stopped them from stepping over me. And that we are on neutral ground and that we all equally keep the guest house clean. But the dishes was still mostly in the sink and the counters littered with trash. I ignored it cause I wasn’t going to clean up after them anymore. I expected them to understand that after my outburst of cleaning up after them. Me still stupid and not realizing they think themselves as entitled. Showed them where I was keeping my snacks and said they could eat certain ones. They were good about it. After everything was eaten. I got more and it was mostly towards chocolate this time. And stuff was disappearing. I am a sweet tooth but my teeth are sensitive so I can’t eat them as fast as they were disappearing. I did yell at them twice about it. And I was blamed. Saying I probably ate it and forgot. I immediately knew that was an excuse.

Also about 2 or 3 months ago I suggested that I would like to go to bed at 8 pm. So that I can get up early. They agreed. At the time I didn’t really care cause I felt free and that I can do what I want. My room was their living room cause I had the ps4. Once I started realizing that the past doesnt matter anymore I started noticing things. That they weren’t keep my room clean and that they were staying in my room till 1 or 2 in the morning. Me wanting to be a morning person and wanting to get up early was starting to get annoying. Cause I was being forced to stay up. So I asked them to leave at 10. That is two hours past the agreed time. They agreed to that yet still was pushing past the new time. They go to the porch afterwards anyways. I didn’t see the big deal they were making it be that they desperately needed to be in my room. I asked them again more firmly that they need to leave at 10 and they should be keeping my room clean. They were doing it but was doing so half assed. Some trash was still on the ground. Not all their dishes were taken. Their cans weren’t put up. Most of the trash that were in my trash cans were overfilling and theirs. As well as the bags for the cans were overfilling. I also noticed someone was still eating my snacks. All of that showed they had no respect towards me. And the guy wants to talk about trust. They lost my trust once they started walking over me and doing as they please. So I wrote rules down.

All they had to do since using my room was 3 simple rules that to me was common sense. Keep friend room clean since I’m using it, take his dog for potty breaks since he is at work, and leave his room at his desired time. The last one I didn’t make clear until later. But they werent even doing the most known rule of all time which was the first one. Which to me showed they probably either didn’t view me as a friend at all or didn’t give a shit about disrespecting a friend.

The rules I wrote down were-

Leave at 10. No ifs, ands or buts about it.

Keep my room clean. I should have put half ass isnt acceptable.

A new rule- On off days only smoke. No ps4 or tv. It was to not have me distracted on me researching stuff. And that whenever I decided I could play my games. And I put- if you cant do 1 tiny thing on list no tv or ps4. Yet I come home to find the tv gone, the harddrive that he gave me gone, their stuff gone, and the chair they put in my room gone. Which showed they were petty and not willing to go by my rules. And if I confront them about it they will either cover it up or I would figure out who was being entitled and everything would finally go back to when we first came up here with no walking over anyone.

I confronted the guy and he denied hard. He twisted stuff around as well as not giving a shit what kind of past I had. Which is the most stupidest thing I heard. Cause a persons past shows through peoples actions and how they view others. And explaining a persons past gives others ideas on how a person would react to anything. And that told me he did not view me as a friend and didnt have respect for me. Yet in the argument he was hurt when I said I didn’t trust him. I wanted to say- did you already forget what you guys did to me? I think we got to a stale mate and that he actually finally understood me and where I was coming from. Yet he said that me in the business is decided by his gf. In the argument he explained stuff of his gf on how she viewed me.

That I spend all my money on stupid stuff. At the time I agreed cause in the past I did so. But since moving to California I haven’t done no such thing. The only things my money went towards is food, my dogs food, my dogs toys, my dogs leash and harness, my glasses for looking at my phone and laptop, an avengers 22 ticket, $5 bag of clothes, notebooks, pens, calendar, and small white board. Only one thing on what I just listed was stupid. The avengers ticket. Yes it was a nice experience besides me needing a new tire, my cars engine crapping out and having to pay parking. I dont see what they mean by that. When I look at them money wise. I see them spending every last cent towards weed and stupid stuff. Like the gf complains on her feet. Yet doesnt get foot insoles but instead gets hair dye.

And the bf said that his gf was tired of working her ass off and seeing me blow my money and me complaining about rent. I look back now and think what? From what I listed, besides the avengers ticket, was me blowing money? All that stuff I bought was over a period of time. And most of my money was going towards bills that I had. And I’m using everything that was bought. So really anyone reading this tell me how was I blowing money? The only person blowing money is them. Cause if they conserve the weed they get to actually last more than an day they would have more money. And I truly mean that. From what I see them getting, it could last them at least a week or two. Yet it only lasts them for maybe 3 days. Cause they dont care about conserving it.

He also said that she was done of my drama. I think back now and think what? What drama? You mean me yelling at you guys for eating my shit? You mean me getting pissed off at you guys for not keeping my room clean and its mostly your stuff all around my room? You mean me getting pissed off that you wont get out of my room at my desired time? You mean me getting pissed off at you guys for not knowing basic manners?

Yes I did blow up over rent. That one was my bad cause if I realized sooner where my money was going which was fast food. I would have had money for rent for at least one of the months. And supposedly I didn’t pay rent for 3 months. The first month was understandable why I didn’t cause I was transfering to another dominos but the guy was transphobic so it didn’t work out. The second month was also understandable. Cause I was in the beginning looking for a job. My mother texted saying I’m probably not doing so and she did it for me. Applied to at least 20 jobs. So I thought oh great I will probably hear back. But I did not. The third month I just got a job and all my other bills mattered over rent. My car and phone bill. Cause I was a delivery driver. Having such things was a necessity. I told him once I get enough saved I will pay her back.

I’m just tired of being stepped on. It was obvious 100%. Yet it has been denied but apologized for. And he said he was going to come tell me if I’m in the business stil or not. But he hasnt even come tell me. Its been a week. What is there to decide? I hope things are finally now on neutral grounding. But now looking back and hearing the gf cry and sound frustrated outside makes me think she is still playing the victim. I dont know if its her pretending and its always been her or if its been the bf thats been stepping all over me and she knows and thats why she cried. Hell I wouldn’t be surprised if it was both. Just tired of it all. They need to stop play pretend and wake up. I’m tired of using my past for them to understand where I’m coming from. It should be basic manners. I forget not everyone knows those.

#Rants

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kiwiquii · 7 years ago

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You are 15. You have just started grade 11 at school. You have a good group of friends, 20 or so people that you genuinely enjoy being around. You have a boyfriend and the relationship is going well.

Its march, near the end of the first term. You notice some people in the group are not really getting along, and for some reason, 15 of the people get up and walk out of the group. They refuse to rejoin the two.

The 5 left includes you and your boyfriends friends.

A couple of weeks later, one of your friends tries to go to the group of 15 to talk to his girlfriend. He gets literally shoved out.

You send a private message to the 'leader' of the group asking her why she split the two. She tells you x was flirting with her ex and she didnt like that.

She tells you that you are a nosy bitch for questioning her. Half an hour later, you get 5 other people sending you messages

"You are a piece of shit"

"You dont deserve to have friends"

"I have hated you for years"

To this day you agree with all of these.

Its June. Your boyfriend hits rock bottom, runs away from home and drops out of school. You tell him to go back to school at least, he is a very intelligent person.

He tells you you are being a bitch for refusing to support him.

You then realise that everything that had happened in the relationship wasnt normal. He liked to physically abuse you. He often said something like "if you refuse to kiss me right now i will kill myself". He often got upset if you wanted to talk to your friends one day.

So you break up with him. You tell him that you have realised these things arent right. He tells you that you dont deserve to be loved and you have no hope of getting a lasting relationship. You agree.

It gets to September. At this point you start to question whether its worth going on. Something happens, and before you realise what you have done, you have gouged out part of your wrist.

You realise there is something really wrong with you, so the next day you go to the school councellor. She tells your parents and you start on therapy. You think it is a waste of time.

You can't last a month without making a new scar on yourself. It gets to november and the group merges back together. You cant join them, even seeing the people who attacked you sends you into panic.

You catch the bus home from school every day. And every day, you have a panic attack because the noise and claustrophobia is too much. Music is the only thing that can help it.

Your grades are failing. You used to be a good student, not the best but rarely getting less than a B. Now you are failing every subject.

You start grade 12. At this point you have 3 people you can count on. One is a girl you met online that you talk to every day, but she lives in america. Another is a girl you have been best friends with since grade 8. The last is a guy who for some reason still puts up with you.

Your best friend is popular. She still talks to everyone in the old group and she has ofher friends. You see her once every second day for the shorter break.

The guy is busy too. You dont see him that much.

For a while, you had a group of friends on an online forum. After a few months they realised you werent worth anything and you get banned. This happens with another forum as well.

Your mother is a very social person. You go to parties every other week with your parents. You try to tell them how uncomfortable they make you, but they refuse to listen.

One of the last things you enjoy is fishing. Sometimes, the parties your parents hold are at the beach, so you try to get as far away from the party as possible to escape in the waves. Each time, you consider just swimming out to keep going until you drown. Each time, you stop yourself because you forgot to say goodbye.

It gets to grade 12, you are 4 weeks in. Since the group joined back together, you have been sitting in an out of bounds area where no one can find you. Teachers tell you that you are lucky to not get suspended. You tell them you couldnt care less

It is the first time you ride your bike to school. It happens to be the class with an air con first so you are relieved. At 9:05 the school gets a bomb scare. You are made to sit on the field. You are messaging your dad and listening to music because you are terrified. A teacher tries to take your phone. You tell them to piss off. They make you sit in the sun away from the rest of the students. You keep messaging your dad. The teachers tell you if you dont hand over your phone they will suspend you. You tell them go ahead. At one point a teacher grabs you to try and get it.

Your parents find out about everything that happened, and they take it to the principal threatening to charge for assault. They are told that if they followed through, you would be an outcast to all teachers. Because what is the word of one mentally ill girl against professionals?

A few days later, the guy you were friends with approaches you. He tells you that he wants nothing to do with you until you fix your depression. You walk out of the school, start walking home, and suddenly get an uncontrollable urge to jump infront of a truck.

You force yourself to the ground, and message your american friend. They tell you that you are being an idiot and they would punch you if they were there.

You call your parents, who come immediately to pick you up from the side of the road. You talk to the suicide hotline about everything that has happened. You go to the hospital and repeat yourself to 3 more seporate people. You are pronounced minor risk and sent home

You dont go back to that school. You dont get accepted into a new school until 3 months later. In your time off, you start running and riding every day. You find a dog park with some nice people.

Your mental health is getting better. You go into your new school and complete all of term 1 and term 2 in the single term. You fail most of your first exams. Your teacher for your strongest subject tells you there is no way you can be an A student. Your OP prediction comes back as 17.

But you keep going. You go to the city every day to do your school work. Your grades get better. You feel better about yourself. By the end of the year, you are a straight A student. You get 2 awards. You get your OP back as 9. You get accepted into university early.

But you have to pay tuition upfront, so you defer 12 months. You start looking for a job. You print off 300 resumes. Over the next few months you use all of them. You walk in to every shop in a 11km radius of your house. You get a job at Subway.

This is your first time working, so you are slow. Your manager makes sure you know this. Every shift he tells you how much of an idiot you are. You give full availability and you are lucky to get more than 10 hours a week.

So you start looking for a job again. You get something for permanent part time, 25 hours per week. So you leave subway, and of course your boss literally begs you to stay.

After 2 weeks in your second job, which has standards higher than anywhere else you have been, you get fired for being too slow.

So you look for jobs again. You get one in a seafood place. It makes you always stink but the work is decent. Easter happens, it is so busy you get a panic attack and have to take a half when you would usually only take 15.

After easter, your boss tells you he doesnt need you anymore, and you are lucky to get one shift per week.

So you look again. An employer tells you to do a cert iii in food processing so you do. You never hear back from the employer.

You get a job at a pie shop. It is very close to home. You get 3 shifts a week, 3 hours each.

So you look again. You get a job in a cafe so you leave the pie shop.

The cafe job is good. You get 20+ hours a week and its reasonable work.

After a couple of months, you realise there is a new law coming in which makes uni fees 3x as much, so you get enrolled right away. There is a maths subject you want to get into but you have to take an entrance exam for it, which doesnt come up until nearly too late. You constantly make phone calls to the uni and they tell you that you probably arent good enough anyway. You end up acing the test.

You pay your tuition out of pocket and buy a 2300$ laptop. You are proud to get this far.

You start uni and it isnt what you expected. You love your maths and physics but your 2 engineering classes are a waste of time. You start worrying that you wasted your money.

You are either working or at uni 7 days a week most weeks. You start to feel overworked and tired.

You join a server for lgbt people, having questioned yours for a while. After a month you have a friend, a 32 year old guy who also loves fishing and your type of music. He makes you a moderator in the 5000 people server, and the owner just says "whatever you are cool". You end up contributing more than 80% of the other mods.

Your 18th birthday comes around. You go out on a boat fishing with your parents and a couple of friends, but they force you to invite their friends as well. The boat is overcrowded, cold, and the fishing is bad.

There is a girl in the server you really like, so you ask her out. She is thousands of miles away but you were sure you could make it work.

But your mental state has been declining again, and it is everything you can do to keep on top of it. You put off going back to therapy because you dont have time.

Your university studies have been getting more stressful as well, you have massive assignments to do in very little time. You are a perfectionist, and when you get a mark back of 74% you are gutted.

But you keep going. It gets closer to when your final assignments are due when your girlfriend says she is depressed because of something and has to be away for a while. You are worried for her and hate that you cant help.

Your other friend from the server hates her. Ever since you asked her out he would tell you that you are too pretty to be with her. While she is away you are talking to him and he tells you he wants to ban her. You tell him no and you go to warn her.

She has hated him the whole time too. But she gets really upset at what he said. You get into a fight about it and she breaks up with you.

She does it nicely, but you tell yourself its because you are not good enough for her. Your friend finds out and immediately starts hitting on you, so you tell him he is an asshole.

You see her seemingly fine the next day but you havent felt worse since you left your old school. You had stopped yourself from self harming for nearly 2 years, but you have now done it 3 times in 2 weeks.

Your mother calls you a bitch. Your boss tells you to harden up. You are back where you started, a loser with no friends and a bottomless pit of assignments.

Maybe it will get better when you finish university. But you cant keep going on like this for another 4 years.

At this point, you get social anxiety bad enough it stops you getting any new friends. You havent trusted a person in years. You probably never will again.

But all through it you keep going. You try to get over all of it. But it is a lot.

#depression cw #self harm cw #long post #my life

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