#hope you grow up and learn but most importantly shut the fuck up sometimes as you're not educating at all but spreading misinfo

[fewsystemsinonebody]

thinking about the fact that if we truly posted here our thoughts/opinions/points of view we not only would lose followers but also get hate - that's why I don't but one day I won't be able to stop myself as I'm so fucking pissed with you all, mind my words, I unfollow as many of you as I can now...

Marcel

[navnae]

(Roses) To Say I Love You

-

Growing up Steve was always surrounded by flowers since his mom was well known as the town’s florist and he had no choice but to learn the meanings behind every single flower, however he didn’t mind it because she taught him which flowers were absolute yes’s or hard no’s. During the summer when Steve wasn’t busy with basketball, he would come home from school and sit with his mom while she worked with customers then after she’ll explain what the flowers meant that the customer just purchased. To others this information was probably something that could easily be ignored and not taken seriously but for some reason Steve took in everything that he learned from his mom and kept with him for the rest of his life. Sometimes Steve would have to stop himself from spreading the knowledge that he knew about some flowers because not everybody wanted to know that their partner got them this big bouquet of yellow roses because they thought the color was pretty and Steve goes into detail about how “yellow roses are a symbol of jealousy or infidelity” that would earn him a slap in the face and an endless amount of arguing that ended with him feeling shitty. So, Steve learned to keep his mouth shut about what he knew and he never brought it up unless there was a place for it.

Out of all the flowers though, Steve only had one flower in particular that it’s meaning meant a lot to him and that was the red rose. A classic flower that had a universal meaning that could be understood by everyone. Steve’s mom went in depth when it came to red roses, she told him that if he ever wanted to give a rose to someone he should understand his feeling for them completely. In a subtle way Steve would be saying that he’s madly in love with whoever it was he gave the rose to and ever since that day Steve stayed clear of roses until he was really positive that was in love with the person he ended up with. Even when him and Nancy broke up he felt like roses would have made a difference in their relationship because that was his way of telling her that his love for her was beyond words but that didn’t play out like that in the slightest. After that it took Steve years to even look at a set of roses again without feeling sick and filled with guilt about everything that has happened. No matter how many dates he’s been on he refused to give any of those girls flowers because he never felt a true connection there and Steve never went out of his way to utter the words “I love you” unless he truly found the one. Steve didn’t know when that day would come but he hoped it would be soon.

Steve’s love story was put in the back burner for awhile because of what Hawkins was going through and the last thing he needed to think about who’s more deserving of roses in this town. Well, after the universe was done playing tricks on him the answer became pretty clear in a matter of a few months. Usually when the party would come to an end of a battle they were able to go back to normal and Steve always did that alone, sometimes Robin would be included with his healing but majority of the time he handled it on his own. All of that changed when Eddie showed up at his front door one day offering him a movie night that he couldn’t say no to. Just like that without realizing it Eddie slowly started to become apart Steve’s healing process and he became one of the biggest reasons to why Steve was able to enjoy living in the fucked up town. They hung out so much that Steve started to feel a connection with Eddie that he’s never had with anybody else, he understood his humor, his taste in music even if he teased him a little, and most importantly Eddie listened to him, he actually listened to Steve when he poured out his feelings and thoughts. Unlike everybody else Eddie didn’t feel the need to get a word in or come up with bullshit in the heat of the moment just to make Steve feel better, he was real. The memory was fuzzy to Steve but all he remembers is that one night at Eddie’s trailer he just broke down in Eddie’s arm. He wished that he wasn’t so sensitive but he couldn’t control himself. Steve was relieved that he didn’t have to hear ‘Stop crying! Be a man”, instead he got a

“Let it all out, sweetheart. It’s going to be alright and you’re going to be alright.” In the softest voice he’s ever heard and he was pulled into a warm embrace. The feeling of Eddie’s fingers running through his hair while Steve laid his head on his chest, they were so close that he could feel Eddie’s heartbeat. It started to beat pretty fast when Steve fully put all his weight onto Eddie and wrapped his arms around his waist. Steve had no idea that he would find so much comfort in Eddie and eventually it became a routine for both of them. They held each other close whenever they needed a shoulder to cry on or a quick laugh that’ll help them get through their day. All of those emotions that developed over time between them created something that neither of them expected. They started dating, everything felt new to him. Obviously he’s been in a relationship before but he’s never been in one with another guy or one that made him feel like he was constantly walking on clouds and he’s honestly never been happier.

The moment Steve felt his entire body feel light whenever he was around Eddie that’s when his mother’s words kept repeating in his head. Now he was thinking about getting Eddie roses, he fought with himself about the idea because even though they have been together for a few months he couldn’t deny that he genuinely felt strongly about Eddie and a part of him kept telling him that it was time to tell Eddie that he truly loved him.

Steve thought long and hard about what his decision was going to be. It came down to Steve buying a bouquet roses because of impulse and he was functioning on every single emotion he felt. Before he could even talk himself out of anything, he was already knocking on Eddie’s door with the flowers in his hand and his heart started to beat out of his chest. He knocked on the door rather hard not realizing that it was early in the morning and Eddie was probably still in bed at this point but Steve didn’t think about any of that. After a few minutes the door finally opened and behind the door revealed Eddie in his pajamas with his hair all fluffy and wild while he yawned then rubbed his eyes with his hands. Steve melted at the sight of seeing Eddie right after he woke up, he looked adorable when he was sleepy. It was all cute until Eddie looked at Steve with a death glare and he was clearly pissed off that his sleep was interrupted.

“What the hell are you doing here this early in the morning, Harrington?” Eddie asked groggily. The roses were being overlooked until Steve could explain why he showed up around this time. He opened his mouth to say something but he closed it immediately making Eddie fold his arms in annoyance. Steve couldn’t think of anything at the time and he made the rash choice of pulling Eddie in for a kiss catching him off guard while Steve moved the flowers to the side so they wouldn’t get crushed in between them.

Steve smiled in between the kiss when Eddie pulled him closer by wrapping his arms around Steve’s neck and their kiss deepened. They wanted each other more than anything but since the trailer wasn’t exactly empty due to Wayne sleeping peacefully in his room they kept the affection to a minimum. Steve pulled away first while smiling softly at Eddie and the light blush he saw on the other man’s face made him even happier.

“Kissing me doesn���t get you a free pass. Explain MExplain the reason why you’re here.” Eddie smiled, he wouldn’t admit it but Steve’s impulsive kissing did make him feel less grumpy. Steve put the flowers in front of his chest and he gathered all his thoughts then somewhat put them into words.

“Eddie, I know this is out of nowhere and I might be rushing things but the way I feel about you is more than whatever I’m trying to say right now. For so long it was hard for me to find anyone that makes me happy and that I want to spend my days with. What I’m trying to say is in a very cliche way is that you are so important to me,” Steve paused to reach his arm out to give Eddie the roses and he took them into his hands with a confused smile on his face. Steve smiled softly before continuing on on, “and I love you, Eddie.”

Eddie’s eyes widened at the words and he blushed once again. He smiled at Steve lovingly before pulling him in for another kiss. Both of them kissed until they ran out of air and they filled the room with giggles when they pulled away. Eddie held onto the roses tightly while bouncing excitedly on his toes.

“Steve, I love you too! The fact that you did this for me means so much. Being with you has made me realize that you’re all I’ve ever wanted in my entire life and I’d love to spend the rest of it with you.” Eddie said softly. Steve nodded his head quickly before giving Eddie a quick kiss.

“I’d love that.” Steve responded happily. Eddie took Steve by his wrist and pulled him inside the trailer to get him out of the chilly morning air.

“Jesus! You’re freezing. How about a nice hot breakfast with some coffee, hmm?” Eddie asked before laughing at Steve’s eye roll. It was normal for Steve to do most of the cooking and whenever Eddie cooked it ended with smoke going through the entire house. Eddie gave Steve a slap on the shoulder then headed towards the kitchen. Even if the breakfast was mostly burnt pancakes with okay tasting eggs at least Eddie tried his best and that’s what Steve loved about him, his determination went a long way for Steve. They spent the entire day together basically confessing that that they’ve never been so in love with anyone like this before. Eddie also got to learn about the meaning of the roses that Steve got for him and he was able to make it sound smooth enough for Eddie to be a giggly mess in his arms.

[barsformars]

Expectations

// 

g - angst, comfort(?)

p - yunho x reader

w.c - 1.2k

t.w - (self doubt?)

c - compliments can give people strength but the future expectations that come with it can weigh one down and cause one to beat themselves up just because of a small hump in their journey; tldr -> yunho's mentally and physically exhausted.

a.n - hihi! just a piece i wrote late last night because,, thoughts. i hope everyone remembers to be gentle on yourselves, and like my dad always tells me (and now what i tell others): challenge yourself but within your own personal limits. it’s okay to be disappointed in yourself if you truly think you could have done better but if it is because you didn’t live up to other people’s expectations of you then fuck them! the more you blame yourself because of that the blurrier the line between self satisfaction and satisfying other people will be. 

t.l - @closer-stars @jeongyunhoed @fromercury

//

His feet dragged across the floor all the way to your bedroom where he finally allowed himself to completely let go and release all the tension in his sore aching muscles as he falls onto your bed, it is rare that he gets to do so without having to first check whether San was in the top bunk or if any other members were following him into the room, and it's already rare enough that he feels like this. It's not that he didn't like to be vulnerable in front of them, he just couldn't bring himself to whenever it boiled down to this same problem he was facing right now because he knew that it would shake the team's confidence and energy for at least the next week. Words like "because Yunho can grasp the choreography really well really quickly, we feel assured," and, "we are always grateful that we can rely on him," they do give him strength to continue working hard, but sometimes, it's nothing more than a heavy burden placed on him, felt like an ankle weight was tied to his feet, preventing him from executing the footwork properly.

As those words replayed in his head — a reminder that he should probably be spending this time doing something more productive, that he should be using this time to clean up his dance moves because at least one person would be coming to him for help tomorrow — Yunho shrinks as he curls into the fetal position, the heels of his palms pressed against his eyes. Even with his body closed up like that, he still felt like he was going to fall apart if anything or anyone gave him even the gentlest of a nudge, this was already the best he could manage in holding himself together.

Yunho knows that this was not the end of the world, no one was going to blame him for not having perfected the choreography already, no one was going to be disappointed that he couldn't help them either, in fact Hongjoong would probably tell him: "It's alright! We can all learn it together slowly and patiently, we will get it eventually." And Yeosang, who has always been the best at footwork, will probably be more than happy to lead the dance practice yet again. Yunho knows, but he can't stop himself from feeling like he wasn't doing his best. If only his body could withstand a little more...

His palms are now warm and wet, without warning, and without a sound. No shaking shoulders, no shuddering breaths, no tightness in his throat, no burning sensation in his nose, the tears just flowed down silently and slowly, whether he liked it or not. Yunho stays frozen in that position for a little while as he let his tears do whatever they wanted because if he even had enough energy to wipe them away he would rather conserve it so he could get to the kitchen and pour himself a glass of water. And when he removes his hands away from his face, he heard the front door opening and shutting, and just the thought of being in your warmth almost caused him to burst into tears again.

You noticed Yunho's shoes thoughtlessly kicked to one side and how his bag was randomly dropped in the middle of the hallway, and your heart ached for him. You already knew that he wasn't feeling good because Yunho was always honest about the reasons he wanted to visit you for, and while it wasn't your first time seeing him feeling down, this was just...bad. You quickly made your way to your room where you knew he would be, and when your eyes met his swollen ones, there was no need for spoken words, not yet at least. So you put your bag down onto the floor and sat yourself down on the edge of the bed, allowing him to lay his head on your lap. Your fingers were already caressing his hair, that honestly still felt a little moist, an evidence along with his slightly sticky skin that he had spent quite some time in the dance studio earlier on. It worries you, because Yunho almost never gets this stressed out when it came to dance, or did he perhaps dance to get his mind off whatever it was?

Yunho's eyes are closed just like when he was alone a little earlier, but this time his tears stay trapped behind his eyelids, though his nose ached a lot more now. "Do you want some water?" You asked, hearing how he was starting to sniffle. He sat up (very stiffly) and you took it as a yes, your toes already pulling your bag closer within reach so you could pull out your bottle of water.

"Do you want to talk about it? Or is me being here enough for now, or do you just need some alone time?"

Yunho scrunches his eyebrows as he gulped down a large mouthful of water, it was much more painful than he remembers it being the last time he had a good cry. He opens his mouth to speak, and then he hesitates for a little, blinking multiple times as if trying to piece the words together in his head. You don't pressure him.

"I just think I'm being stupid right now, I know what I'm feeling is so dumb and irrational but I can't stop myself from feeling like this. I know if my body is this exhausted it must mean that I did indeed gave it my all, but I can't stop feeling that I could have been more productive. I don't mind being this tired as much as I do about not feeling like I did my best. And I can't help but feel like I'm not doing anything to contribute to the team right now. If I can't even get those steps down, then I don't deserve the 'main dancer' title, and I don't deserve having the members looking up to me."

You suddenly felt guilty for thinking that there was no way Yunho would get this distressed over dance, thoughts and expectations like this from everyone who knew him probably contributed to the growing expectations that he felt pressured to meet. Of course even Yunho would face problems when it came to executing certain moves, he may be a very good dancer but there is no dancer out there, anywhere, who could master every technique of every genre of dance there was. People forget that dancers are always constantly learning, heck, everyone is constantly learning as they go on in life, mistakes are allowed.

"It's not stupid, Yunho. Your feelings are valid, everyone wants to be the best version of themselves but, Yunho, a moon is still a moon in all of its phases. Just because you're struggling with a few dance steps does not mean that you are not a good dancer, or a reliable member to your other members. You are still you, and with time, you will master those moves and shine brightly like you always have. Besides, you are not just the 'main dancer', you are also a good vocalist, a positive influence, and most importantly, a human."

[moondustis]

one more time (m)

pairing: jung jaehyun + reader genre: smut, angst, fluff / friends to lovers | wc: 9,4k summary: Maybe this right here is a story about growing up and finding yourself, or about finding love and being vulnerable. But it definitely is a story about friendship, skating, pancakes and Jung Jaehyun learning how to deal with his feelings. song rec: and july - heize ft. dean / i think - tyler the creator / thinking about you - frank ocean 

Jung Jaehyun is born on February 14 of 1997, valentine’s day. He is a cute and healthy baby, as he should be and cries from being outside the comfort of his mother’s belly for the first time. 

He grows up well, loved and cherished by the ones around him and filling his mother’s heart with joy and pride. He’s a happy child, then a smart teenager, just a little shy but still outgoing enough to be surrounded by friends all the time. 

He meets Seo Johnny at school and learns a lot of things from him, but most importantly he learns how to skate. And Johnny is a good friend, a good example as his mother says, because even if sometimes they skip school, he teaches Jaehyun that crying after he falls a bit too hard from a trick doesn’t make him less of a man. And Jaehyun embraces that, thinks that he always had too many feelings inside of him to begin with and he deals with all of them. 

And he’s okay, for the most part but somewhere along the way something shifts and it’s not as easy anymore. It’s not as easy as falling down on the hard concrete of his sidewalk and getting up again because college had a way of changing people, and it does a good job on him. He shuts down a good part of himself to other people, stays in his closed circle of friendships and leads his life like that, hoping that he can finally graduate and do something he actually enjoys, but at the same time dreading that day, because he wasn't sure if he was ready for the pressure of having to know exactly where to go in life. 

Maybe this right here is a story about growing up and finding yourself, or about finding love and being vulnerable. But it definitely is a story about friendship, skating, pancakes and Jung Jaehyun learning how to deal with his feelings. 

✿

Jung Jaehyun is a fuckboy. 

Ok, not literally, but he fits the stereotype suspiciously well. For starters he’s one of the guys that like to skate around campus, and dresses like someone that probably listens to Mac Miller or Tyler, the Creator, with his vans and oversized t-shirts. To make matters worse he looks like a model, walking around with his perfect face and perfect body, making literally every girl in the class you share together swoon every time he walks into the room.  And honestly that’s all you have against him, because he doesn’t actually sleep around all that much and breaks girls hearts. Not that you have heard of at least and it was a relatively small campus. 

But see, Jaehyun is a confusing person, because even if he goes around the campus screaming as his friends do flips or whatever they’re called and sometimes wears t-shirts that say things like ‘fuck cops’, he’s also incredibly quiet and kinda shy from the interactions you had seen him have with your classmates. And on top of all that, he’s majoring in education to become an elementary teacher, like that isn’t the most adorable career in the world.

So yeah, he confuses you. Even more when your first interaction ever with him goes like this: 

You’re in the middle of Psychology 101, the coffee in your system being the only thing keeping your two eyes wide open as the teacher goes on with the lecture. You are not sure if you are really paying attention or just writing down whatever he says, because underneath all that coffee you’re actually very tired from staying up late writing an assignment, and soon the caffeine boost will go away, leaving you with the weird feeling of exhaustion. 

The ‘pssts’ start low. So low that you don’t even notice, but when a very insistent one is accompanied by a finger poking your back, you have to turn around to see what is going on, being met with Jung Jaehyun, cheeks pink, looking at you with a bashful look. 

“Hi.” Is all he says and nothing else, in a rushed whisper as the teacher continues on with the talking.

You blink slowly because the coffee doesn't actually make you think faster, before you’re whispering back “Uh, hi.” 

“Sorry for interrupting you.” That’s very considerate of him to say, your mind provides. “But I skipped the last class and was wondering if you took notes of it? So I can, like, copy them. Please.” 

He adds the last word quickly, as if he’s afraid you’ll think of him as rude otherwise. You haven’t done that much thinking about Jaehyun in the past, just the here and there thoughts, but none of them had been about him being anything but nice. And a fuckboy, but that’s beside the point.

“Oh.” You just look at him for a second before you’re snapping out of it, shaking your head as you turn to your notebook. “Sorry. You can, sure.” You flip your notes until you’re on the page you had messily written down the notes for last class, overreacting for a second that he would think you are stupid because of your terrible handwriting. But all he does is take your notebook when you offer it to him, quickly snapping a picture with his phone before he’s handing it to you again.

He thanks you with a smile that’s almost not there but that still makes your heart flutter involuntary. You had a thing for cute boys what could you do? So you smile back and it stays like that for another second until he decides to break the awkwardness. 

“Uhm, are you going to Taeil’s party this weekend?” Multiple questions fill your mind at that. Who’s Taeil? What party? Why the fuck was he asking you that? Are you hallucinating this from your lack of sleep?

“I’ll probably drop by to see how it is.” Is the lie you reply with, a shrug helping you play the unbothered act too well. It’s a little pathetic if you think about, but that’s the thing, you’re not thinking at all. 

“Oh, cool. I’ll see you there, then.” And that’s it, that’s the entire interaction and it leaves you confused for the remaining of the lecture, wondering if that actually did really happen because it sure felt a bit unreal. 

When you get to your dorm room after your class, the coffee high is completely gone and you feel ready to plop down on your bed and sleep for 5 hours until you have to be up again to finish assignments. But before you can do that. you see your roommate, Jungwoo, eating cereal on the kitchen counter and you can’t help but ask. 

“Do you know a Taeil?” Again, it was a small campus so there were probably not many Taeils around. That and Jungwoo actually knew a lot of people, from his connections, as he liked to say.

He thinks about it for a second, over a spoonful of cereal before he’s saying “Moon Taeil? Yeah he's in my class.” You can’t even be bothered by him speaking with his mouth full and the fact that you’re absolutely not sure if that’s the Taeil you’re looking for. 

“Nice. Do you wanna go to his party this weekend?” A bold invitation that makes Jungwoo raise one eyebrow at you. 

“What? Why do you wanna do that?” In all honesty you don’t know either, probably something about a really attractive man and your very out of usual interaction with him, but you won’t tell him that because facing Jungwoo’s teasing was exhausting. 

You shrug. “Just because.” 

That makes him squint his eyes at you. “Okay…. It's just that you don't go to parties.” In your defense, you do. You just hadn’t been to one since your freshman year, a whole one year and a half ago. 

“Jungwoo it’s a simple question.” You huff in annoyance because you’re tired and every moment that you spend in his presence is another step closer to just spilling everything about your short and weird interaction with Jung Jaehyun. “Do you want to or not?” 

“Yes.” He replies quickly, still giving you a weird look. “I can't miss the opportunity of seeing you drunk again.

“I'm not getting drunk.” You simply say before you’re walking to your room.

✿

You get very drunk, smashed even, from something pink and slightly citrusy that you and Jungwoo had downed shot after shot of. The party was, well, a party. It wasn’t full but there was definitely more people than there should be at a house this small, and the songs playing weren’t exactly that bad, you even recognized one or two. 

And Jungwoo was as splattered as you, but he still offered to fetch you some water, with a promise of staying glued to the wall coming from you. And that’s where Jung Jaehyun finds you, barely standing still from how drunk you are. 

“___!” He says happily, catching you off guard and you wonder how he knew your name. But again you knew his and you shared a class together. 

He looks good, is the first thing you notice, with a snapback and a t-shirt that has a small bear on it and is too big for him. “Jaehyun!” You reply in the same fashion as he said your name and it makes him smile, a different one from the last time. 

“It’s nice seeing you here.” He says, moving to stand next to you on the wall and you’re just slightly overwhelmed by how good he smells. The world around you spins for a moment and you giggle for no reason. “Are you having a good time?” 

“Ugh!” First of all, a disclaimer. Drunk you was absolutely and completely stupid, a fool that liked to say nonsense and that’s why you say the next words. “Do we really have to do small talk right now?” 

He laughs at your childish whine, looking at you with eyes filled with amusement and appearing just a little drunk. Definitely less drunk than you. “What should we talk about, then?” 

Maybe he’s a bigger fool than you are for even entertaining your silliness. “I don’t know.” You look at him through hooded eyes, probably pouting from trying to think of something to say to a guy you just talked for the first time a week ago. “Don’t you miss, like, when we were kids and could just talk about whatever? Like what’s your favorite color, you know? Why did we stop doing that?”

In the back of your head, the sound of clown music starts playing. He on the other hand seems amazed by your blabbering. “Favorite colors?” His voice is just about teasing and you groan in slightly embarrassment. 

“You know what? Forget it. Shhhhh.” You drunkenly press one finger to his lips as if to emphasize your shushing. His lips twitch in the want to smile. “Let’s just do something else.” 

You don’t realize that your words sound suggesting but he does, raising one eyebrow and smiling at you. “Hmm, like what?” 

He moves closer to you but before you have the time to react, Jungwoo is coming back, water bottle on his hand and a look on his face that says he thinks you’re up to no good. He eyes you up and down before looking at Jaehyun and doing the same. He looks slightly more sobered up, but still tipsy.

“Jungwoo!” You exclaim, holding your hands out for the water bottle. 

He looks between you and Jaehyun before saying “Hello. Who are you?” It would have sounded slightly rude if it weren't for the cute tone he uses. 

You’re quick to say “This is Jaehyun, he’s-“

“I’m her friend.” He says it naturally and you wonder when you had gained that title, the giggle you let out against your own will, too drunk for you own good. 

Jungwoo says something to him that you don’t quite catch but then he’s dragging you away with a whine coming from your lips as you wave a sad goodbye to Jaehyun from behind your shoulder and he does the same with an amused smile.

“I leave you one minute alone and you try to act a fool in front of a man that good looking.” He whispers as you walk away and all you can do in return is laugh out loud.  You would probably not even remember any of this tomorrow, anyway. 

✿

You remember everything, of course. And Jaehyun starts saying hi to you every time he sees you around campus after that, always with a smile and his dimples showing up, making you blush in a silly way. But it’s only after two weeks that you finally talk with him again.

You had met Taeyong on your freshman year and after finding out he was really similar to you, you had become friends quickly. He was someone that everyone immediately felt comfortable around, that’s why it was no surprise when you find out at his birthday party that he’s friends with Jaehyun too. 

When you arrive at the party, Jungwoo by your side, there’s not many faces that you don’t know and after you hug Taeyong with a kiss to his cheek, you spot him standing by the kitchen counter. There’s a beer in his hand and he’s wearing all black, a sight that you don’t mind looking at.

He doesn’t notice you at first, his focus on a taller guy talking to him, but when he does he greets you with a wide smile that is enough to turn your legs into jelly by itself, but then he’s making his way towards you. Your heart starts beating a tiny bit faster, your hand moving to fix your hair in habit. 

“Hello.” He greets and Jungwoo decides that’s a good time to leave you side and go talk to his other friends, not even sparing you an explanation. He knew what he was doing. “Didn’t know you were friends with Taeyong.”

You smile like a silly girl. “Yup, he’s like my soulmate.” 

His smile grows wider at that, a pair of dimples making their way to his face and you almost groan because there’s no way he could get any more charming than this. “That's how I know you are a good person.” He jokes and you let out a snort, giving him a funny look. 

“Our first interaction was me letting you borrowing my notes, that should've been enough.” You point out in a teasing manner, not really meaning the words. 

“You’re right.” The ghost of a smile graces his lips as he defends himself, the faint sight of a blush gracing his cheeks as he avoids your eyes.

He offers to get you a beer after that, leading you to the kitchen with a hand on your back that feels weirdly nice. You were never one to get stupid crushes but that’s exactly how you feel around him, like at any moment you will say or do anything really dumb because of your infatuation. You wonder if it’s because of his looks or the way he seems a little shy around you.

“By the way, you never told me your favorite color that night.” He says, eyes twinkling with mischief as he offers you the beer, which you gladly take after immediately letting out a groan.

“Ugh, shut up. Don’t remind me of that.” You are sure your entire face is red from embarrassment at just the thought of the things you had said that night. It wasn’t even that bad, Jungwoo had said, but you like to overreact, so you cover your face with your free hand.

“Why? It was cute.” His voice is filled with amusement and when you peak from under your hand you can see his face is as well. “I like how funny you are.” 

The words only make your face get hotter as you smile awkwardly. You were far from funny, your friends liked to remind you of that fact. But how could you be when you had friends like Jungwoo that absolutely made everyone in a room laugh without even trying. But still, his words make you feel a little proud, that at least you were able to make a pretty guy think that. 

“I don't have a favorite color, it always changes.” You say suddenly, going back to the previous subject to avoid making the conversation about you. Even if you had to talk about something like favorite colors. “I like when the sky turns pink during sunset, I guess you could say it’s that one right now. ” 

He hums, taking a sip of his beer before saying “It's a good one.” 

You huff, he was really trying hard for a conversation about such a stupid matter. Still, you continue to entertain it. “What's yours?”

He pursues his lips, think about it for a second. “I don't know… I like black.”

“Obviously.” You deadpan and it makes him laugh like you actually said something funny. 

Jaehyun stays by your side for the rest of the night, trying his best not to make small talk and it surprises you how easy he is to talk to. He asks you about your favorite everything, from animals to movies and it’s really nice to find out you two have more in common than you would ever imagine. By the end of the party you are glued to his side on a probably too crowded couch, his close proximity making you warm all over and only bothering the butterflies on your stomach more.

It’s when he lets out a loud laugh at something Jungwoo and Yukhei are going back and forth about, hiding his face on your shoulder as his whole body shakes with laughter, that you know for a fact you’re fucked. Completely fucked.

✿

Jaehyun and you become friends very fast after Taeyong’s birthday. It’s almost weird, because both of you seem to be just a little too shy for you own good, but things just happen naturally when you are with him.

It starts with silly jokes passed around in notes on your shared lecture, with your face turning red from how hard you try not to laugh out loud and sharing your favorite songs with each other. Then it becomes grabbing a coffee after class, and sharing something sweet because you both deserve it after enduring such a boring lecture. It all leads to what it is now, two months later and your days are filled with Jaehyun’s comfortable presence, his laugh and late nights texts about any subject that comes to mind and sharing your biggest dreams and some of your fears with him. 

It scares you at the same time it makes you extremely happy, because you had never been someone who had many friends, letting people in and connecting was hard, so you decided very early that navigating life with a few close friends was enough. But Jaehyun makes it all seem very easy and it’s suddenly like you can’t imagine your life without him anymore. 

That brings you to where you are right now. You have both had a long week and decided that it would be nice to have a movie night, and after you had ate the chinese takeout you ordered, you settle on on his couch as romantic comedy movie plays. You’re both comfortable, his eyes stayed glued on the screen, laughing as a character makes a joke about oral sex. Maybe that’s why you ask your next question out of nowhere. Or maybe you’re just stupid. Probably the last one.

“Have you… Have you ever gone down on a girl?” The words are stammered out as you look down your lap, cheeks going pink. You immediately regret asking because you can feel his eyes on you as he searches for a response.

“Wha -- Where did that come from?” It’s even more unsettling that you can’t pinpoint exactly what he’s thinking. Sometimes Jaehyun was hard to read, and that bothered you. 

The small laugh that leaves your lips is fake. “It's a silly question, right? Sorry, I wasn't thinking.”You continue avoiding his eyes, picking at the nail polish that was already chipping on your fingers. 

“Its okay.” He’s quick to say, always making sure you’re not unsure of yourself.  “And, yeah. I mean, I have, of course.”

He says as if it’s obvious. As if it’s something that he absolutely needed to do and all you can say back is “Oh.” 

“Why?” It’s a good question, really. Because you have no idea where you are trying to go with this conversation, but now it got him to pause the movie and to look at you with expectation on his eyes. So you can’t do anything but continue. 

“I don't know…” You gulp down, slightly shaking at what you’re about to say. “I have never — No one has ever done that to me.” 

“Never?” He sounds surprised, annoyed even, but you wouldn’t know what he looks like because you continue to avoid his face, playing with the hem of you skirt instead now. 

There was no reason that you two should be having this conversation, because you were friends and nothing else. But again, friends talked about this all the time. Friends could talk about sex right? Friends could share experiences and joke about it without getting awkward or making a complete big deal out of something so normal. 

Jaehyun lets out a deep breath and then it’s silence for a second. You feel small and embarrassed, because deep down you know that you didn’t say this just as a normal friendly comment. It’s like somehow, you knew exactly that he would say what he does. Or better yet, proposition it. 

“I could…” His words are tentative, almost a whisper as if he wants to put the two of you in a bubble that no one can break in. “I could show you.”

Your eyes widen as you look at him “What? You — What?” 

And Jaehyun is so gentle, as he slides over the couch to be next to you, and give you the comfort you need, and as he cradles your cheeks with his hands. “W-We don’t have to.” He assures, but something on his voice that says he really wants to. “But I'll take care of you. If you let me.”

He’s too much, you think as you stare at his face with glossy eyes. There’s a line that’s been placed on your friendship, a very fine line between what it is now and what it could become. Right now that line is wavering, even more when all you can do is nod your head slowly, giving him all the agreement he needs to press his lips against yours.

It’s a sweet kiss, his lips molding to yours and you can’t help but sigh. It feels right, even if it maybe isn’t. He kisses you with the delicacy of someone who knows this could ruin something good, but at the same time with the determination of someone who wants this too much to care. 

He tilts his head, deepening it as he sucks on your bottom lip before he’s swirling his tongue on it, asking for entrance that you so gladly gives. And you’re not completely inexperienced, you had done this before and knows, how it feels to have someone on top of you, how it feels to have someone try to make you feel good, but when his tongue slides against yours you can feel your head spin and the arousal on the pit of your stomach only grows. 

It’s with slow and calculated moves that he gets you to lay on the couch, with him pressing kisses all over your neck and wherever he can. You watch with your heart beating too fast as he moves down, lifting your shirt a bit past your navel so he can kiss there too, and then he’s slipping your skirt off. 

It makes you antsy being in only your panties in front of him, even more when it’s just a simple cotton and pink material, but he pays it no mind. Instead he continues to press kisses all over your thighs, holding them apart when you try to close them and you shiver in anticipation.

“Are you nervous?” He asks, with fingers hooked on each side of your underwear, about to pull them down. 

You huff because isn’t it obvious? You’re about to have someone eat you out for the first time. Your friend out of all people. “Y-yes.” 

He smiles at you, a smile too sweet for what he's about to do but you still smile back. “Don’t be, I’ll make you feel good.” 

And you know he will because he’s a man of his words.

You close your eyes tightly as he slides your panties off, resisting the urge to completely close your legs because he’s so close and you feel so exposed. And he wastes no time, face just above you and when his fingers come in contact you jump a little. 

You feel as he parts your lower lips, a puff of breath making a shiver run down your body and then he’s pressing a kiss to your most sensitive spot. A whine leaves your lips because of the new feeling, and it only gets higher when his lips close around you, sucking like he has a purpose. It’s almost overwhelming, both because it’s him and because it’s the first time. He licks at your clit, with swirls of his tongue that are kitten like before he’s flattening his tongue down to your entrance, lapping at it and gathering your wetness so he can move to your clit again. 

You trash around and wail, too sensitive but too into it, even more with the way he grips at your thighs to keep them open. He seems to enjoy it, humming against you as he licks you like a starved man before he’s saying with his face still pressed to your center “Taste so good.” The words are muffled and they send vibrations to your core, making you blush as you let out a loud moan. 

You come easily, with laps of his tongue and the knot on your stomach getting tighter and tighter until it snaps completely and you cry out, a mess of curse words and his name and white spots blurring your vision. And he continues his ministrations, tongue pressing inside of your entrance as if he doesn’t want to let any of it to go to waste. 

When he comes up again his lips are red with your arousal making it and his chain shine. You don’t even have the time to feel embarrassed because he kisses you, a strong press of his lips against yours and then his tongue, that was just a second ago inside of you, invades your mouth and slides against yours. You can taste yourself on him and you can feel his hardness pressing against your exposed thigh, your head spinning as he moans in the kiss.

You try to move your hips to press against his in an almost shy movement, but he feels it. A groan escapes his lips as he breaks the kiss, looking completely disheveled. It’s a sight you would probably never forget. “Fuck, I don’t have anything on me.”  He breaths out  and you realize he’s talking about a condom and just the thought of him being inside of you is enough for you to close your eyes as a new wave of pleasure runs through your body. “I want to fuck you so bad. God, so fucking bad. Would you have let me, huh? Would you let me fuck your sweet cunt?”

He noses at your cheeks as you throw your head back. This is not something friends should be saying to each other, far from it. But you still nod, because you would without a thought. And maybe that’s your first mistake. 

✿

Jaehyun fucks you for the first time on the first day of summer. Not that any of you knew that, it’s just something that if you were romantic enough you would think about. 

It’s hot inside his messy room, that you pretended not to notice for his sake. Even hotter with the way he presses kisses against your neck and thrusts into you in a pace that is as calculated as it is maddening. He’s good at it, not that it surprises you. 

He eats you out after he finishes inside the condom and you cry out his name because it’s like he’s trying to make sure that you should never settle for anything less than this. And he’s so willing, with his tongue pressing hard against you and with movements that make you grip at his hair for leverage. 

It’s as clear as day that he’s experienced at this, at least more experienced than you are, because your body count number doesn’t go higher than two and you had just gotten head for the first time a week ago. It makes you feel almost inadequate at the same time it makes a thrill run through your body, eyes glossy and wide as you stare at him practically devour you. 

Your second orgasm hits you with a loud gasp and your whole body shaking in his hold. He holds you like he won’t let you escape, and he doesn’t. 

It becomes a regular thing, the fine line you had drawn between your blooming friendship and something else completely gone as Jaehyun calls you on a thursday night, asking you to come over and then fucks you for the second time with the window open, because summer this year was almost unbearable and sweat clings to both of your skins as he makes you come with a shout of his name. 

It’s an unspoken arrangement, that when one of you needed it you could always call, be it because you’re so stressed from assignments that you need a way to let it all out or because you had a little too much to drink at a party and needed to feel it. 

It goes like this for the whole duration of summer and you think you don’t go three days without seeing Jaehyun. He basically memorizes everything that makes you shake and teaches you everything that he likes, and it’s good. It’s good and it’s easy, no strings attached and you’re fine with it. 

But here’s the catch, because there’s always a catch. You’re not really fine with it. 

You remember one time, when you were around 8, that a teacher made a joke about you and a classmate being more than friends. The mere thought of a romance at that age had made you cry out loud until your mother arrived to pick you up. 

The moment stayed with you, because even at high school, relationships were something you would rather not focus on, not until college at least. But when college came around you didn’t change, still putting your love life aside so you could focus on things that you considered more important.

Now at 21, and still single, it was easy to realize, even if it took some time to finally get out from the denial, that you were scared. Scared of commitment and of being completely vulnerable to someone, even if sometimes when you laid in bed you felt extremely lonely and when you saw your friends getting in loving relationships, it made you just the tiniest bit jealous. It wasn’t a great feeling.

You had never dated before, only had flings that didn’t last much. And you weren’t a romantic, not at all, didn’t think that a relationship would make you happy and definitely weren't willing to give up your dreams for one. But still, it hurtsj ust a little to see your friends settle in while you stayed alone and it hurts just a little that intimacy had become something you desperately craved.

And maybe at the begging of your relationship with Jaehyun you had thought that this would finally be it. And maybe you were also just stupid and too naive to let you relationship get to where it is, but it becomes something more. Somewhere between the first kiss your shared and him fucking you on the bathroom of some party, because you just couldn’t wait, Jung Jaehyun caves a place for himself inside your life and you let him, the feelings blossoming in your chest getting too big to handle every day.

And he is still confusing, because he is too nice, too gentle. He sends you silly pictures of himself during the day, tells you about the skate tricks he finally got right even though you have no idea what he’s talking about. He buys you sweets when you say you had a bad day and sometimes, the times you dread the most, he kisses you like he means something more with it. Sometimes he fucks you with unplaced gentleness that if you closed your eyes you could believe this was something more. 

But it isn’t because at the same time you hear whispers about a girl he was with at a party, you see his phone light up with texts that you don’t read, but your mind can’t help but overthink as something that makes your stomach turn.

But you let it happen, because in your mind maybe having him like this is better than nothing, at least for now. And maybe, even if you were craving for it deep down, you weren't ready to have it. So summer comes and goes and you wish your feelings went away with it. 

✿

Watching people skate becomes an entertaining activity. Something about the movements and the sound of the wheels rolling on concrete made you extremely calm, putting aside the noises of screaming boys and all the curse words they said. 

Even with the direction your relationship took, Jaehyun still seemed to consider you a close friends, something you found extremely bittersweet. He still complained about his classes, still texted you stupid things during the day and he still took you to the skate park to watch him and his friends do tricks for hours. 

The only things that had changed were the sex and the fact you were falling in love with him. No big deal. 

You watch as Jaehyun’s tall friend, that had been introduced to you as Johnny, goes for a trick that involves him jumping and ends up falling, making everyone around him laugh and scream jokes. It was extremely amusing to see a bunch of 20 years old act so carefree and boyish, a small laugh escaping your lips.

Jaehyun helps Johnny up, a wide smile on his face as he says something you can’t exactly hear but it must be funny because it makes Johnny laugh. You’re so entranced with the scene that you don’t notice the red hair man approaching you.

“Whats up, ___?” Yuta says with a grin as he stands tall in front of where you’re sitting on a bench. He was one of the few of Jaehyun friends that actually tried to make you feel welcome when he brought you along to their skate sessions, always making conversation and offering to keep you company. 

“Hey, Yuta.” You smile back, shielding your face from the sun so you can see him better. 

“Just gonna sit here by yourself?” Shrugging you watch as he drops the skate he had been holding down and steps on it as a habit. “I can teach you how to skate if you want.”

He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively, making you laugh. “No thank you, I've seen you fall too many times to consider that.” Jaehyun had already offered you the same thing too, but you had absolutely no interest in getting up that four wheeled thing and ending up with a broken bone.

“Please, I'm just falling to get your attention.” His flirty words are not a surprise. He had been like this from the moment you met, saying things that made a blush set on your face. At first it had made you confused but now you knew it was just how he was. “Besides, I never fall as hard as I'm falling for you.”

The last words are said in a sultry voice that makes you laugh even louder, hand coming to your face as you shake your head in disbelief. “Pfft, you’re so corny.” 

The sound of your laughter must have attracted attention, because next thing you know Jaehyun is approaching the both of you with his skate underneath one arm and a weird look on his face. “What’s up?” He asks when he gets close enough, dropping the skateboard down and lifting the snapback he has on to run a finger through his hair. 

Yuta rolls his eyes, feigning annoyance. “Jeez, nothing. Mind your business.” 

You laugh, giving him a pointed look that seems to amuse him to no end. “Don't be mean.”

That makes him smile and he winks at you before saying “Just ‘cause you asked nicely.” And then he’s skating away, leaving you and Jaehyun alone. 

He looks at you and smiles just shy from letting the dimples you liked so much show up. “Was he bothering you?”

You scoff. “Or course not, Yuta is harmless.”

“Yeah, right.” His tone drips in sarcasm as he sits down right next to you, legs spread open and an arm coming to rest behind you. Sometimes his actions screamed masculinity and it made you feel a weird thing inside of you. 

“He was just messing around, he says flirty stuff to everyone.” 

He huffs, looking around everywhere like he’s trying to avoid your face. “It’s just.. they keep talking about you. Pisses me off.” The words are barely audible, like he’s just saying it to the air and not to you. 

You’re confused, eyes dropping as you pick on the green polish on your nails. “What do you mean?” You didn’t think most of his friends even cared about your existence so knowing they talk about you in the way he’s suggesting is a surprise and it makes you antsy. 

He shrugs, giving a small laugh that’s merely another huff. “Doesn’t matter.” You want to ask more but just then he looks at you again, the sunset making him look almost angelic. He’s quick to add another question, as if to not give you the opportunity to say more. “Do you wanna go to IHop after?”

It catches you off guard, but you still nod. “O-Okay.” 

Jaehyun confused you some times and that’s what happens when he slides a hand to your cheek after nodding. The kiss he presses to your lips is chaste, not quick but also not long. It feels like something casual, like a couple would do out of naturality. 

It’s the first time he kisses you in front of his friends or outside of his room, for that matter. It makes the butterflies in your stomach go crazy but you’re not stupid and you would have to be to not realize what this is. He’s trying to show his friends that they shouldn't mess with you. 

It’s a bittersweet kiss, like most things seem to be these days with him. He walks away after breaking the kiss, with the excuse of saying his goodbyes before you can leave and you watch him with a twisting feeling in your stomach. 

The kiss is not mentioned again as you two walk side by side to the restaurant but the weird feeling sticks with you. Most days you try to act like nothing's wrong, because if you think rationally about it, it isn’t. But there’s something about the look on Jaehyun’s face when he talked about his friends, and there’s something about the way you want desperately to hold his hand but can’t, that makes you want to cry just a little.

He orders huge pancake pile that you both share, making you laugh when he stuffs his mouth too full and offering you the last piece because that’s just how he is. It makes you forget about the lingering feelings for a while, the warmth of having a friend like him settling in instead and you can’t help but wonder if it would’ve been better if it just stayed like this. 

When the pancake is over and you’re both too full to even have a conversation he slides his hand to where yours is placed on the table. It’s just a small gesture, him picking your hand up in his and eyeing your fingers before saying “I like when you paint your nails like this.”

He means the colorful setup you got going on, with each finger a different colors because you just liked how it looked and it made you happy. “Maybe I can do yours one day.” You say around a smile. 

And he agrees, of course he does. “That would be nice.” He continues holding your hand but you don’t think much of it.  “That movie we wanted to watched came out, wanna go watch it at my dorm?” 

In your mind you think that’s clue for something else so you just laugh, shaking your head. “I don't know Jae. I’m so full i don't think I can have sex without like throwing up.”

The laugh he lets out makes you heart feel full.  “We are just going to watch a movie.” He says while squeezing your hand softly. 

And you do end up just watching a movie, like old times. It’s fun and you feel happy, but the feelings in your heart come back in full force when you go back to your dorm and you can’t help to wonder what it would be like if you could just stay at his and cuddle like a couple would do. Then you wonder what it would be like if you hadn’t crossed the line.

If you cry yourself to sleep, then that’s beside the point.

✿

Three days later Yuta asks if you and Jaehyun are dating, out of curiosity. The question makes your stomach turn, and when you say no he asks you out on a date. It’s weird, mostly because you think at first that he’s just joking as always, flirting with you to make you laugh. But when it dawns on you that he isn’t, you say you would think about it. 

You say that for two reasons. Just yesterday, you had to sit on a lecture while some girl whispered about how Jaehyun had a big dick and how she knew that was obvious. You had heard about people talk about him before, and it always made you feel weird but now, when every time you’re with him you can’t help but feel your feelings get stronger and stronger, it makes you feel almost sick. That’s reason number one.

Reason number one is that you have realized that you deserved to be on dates and have fun, and just feel like your feelings mattered and were reciprocated. 

So you say you’ll think about it and you do, and the realization you come to is far deeper than you expected. And in retrospect, maybe it was a bit out of impulse. 

You’re laying on Jaehyun’s bed, right after you two fucked, with you on top because he fell down and hurt his ankle. You’re wearing a big t-shirt of him and he has one arm across his eyes, recovering his breath and basking on the glow that is an orgasm.

You don’t know why you say it, but next thing you know you’re sitting up on the bed and letting the words out. “Yuta asked me out.”

His arms slides to his side as he looks at you, eyes swirling with something you can’t quite place yet. “What?” His voice gives it out, jealousy. “And what did you say?”

“I said yes.” You don’t take your eyes off him. It’s a lie because you didn’t know what you were going to say yet. But you felt like you had to say something to him before you made any decisions. Like you owned him something. 

“Why?” His eyebrows are furrowed and you can’t help but scoff.

“Because I wanted to.” You suddenly remember the girl from your class, and the other rumors and it just makes you feel bitter. He just mutters a low okay, like he doesn’t know what else to say right now and it just pisses you off. You wonder if it would be better if he protested against it. 

A lump forms in your throat as he avoids your eyes, and you decide that you need to be brave enough for once. “I think… That maybe we should stop doing this.” It’s tentative, the lump only growing as you watch him close his eyes tightly. There’s something you want him to say but you have a feeling he isn’t.

“Because of Yuta?” Your head drops as you shake it. He’s unbelievable. 

“No, what the fuck? Of course not.” You hiss, looking at him and wishing he would just look at you. Maybe that would make this better. “I- I just don’t think I can do it anymore.” 

It’s the truth. But why do you feel like crying? There’s a pain in your chest that makes you want to run from here and hide forever, a headache starting to form from holding back your tears. He takes a deep breath, finally opening his eyes but still not looking at you. “Okay. If that’s what you want.” He sounds pained but it’s all that he says. 

You get up from the bed slowly, gathering your things in complete silence and you know then that everything from now on will change. You wish he would say something, beg you to not leave, tell you that he doesn’t want to stop it. Wishes that he would just hold you and comfort you like he always does, but he doesn't. “We… We can still be friends.” You mumble out, because that’s the thing you’re scared to lose the most.

He lets out a sad little laugh that breaks your heart. “Of course. We’ll never stop being friends, ____.” 

And you can’t help but laugh quietly too, before you’re muttering out your goodbyes and leaving the room before you turn back on it like you want to.

✿

Jung Jaehyun was not a big romantic, despite being literally born on the day that glorified it. It’s not that he doesn’t care about it, he’s still soft hearted after all, but the big gestures and all the dramatics that seemed mandatory to it just didn’t do it for him. He always thought that love should be something easy, that came naturally and without much thought not something that served to rip your heart of your chest and leave you restless.

That’s why he probably has so much trouble dealing with it, because it usually wasn't easy at all. 

He remembers when his parents got a divorce when he was in high school, something that he saw coming but still managed to mess with him. At the time he refused to cry about it or even acknowledge the whole thing was happening, instead staying out of home until late hours and deciding that some things weren't worth enough to bother about.

He went like that until Johnny said the words he thinks about sometimes even now. “You have to own your feelings.” He had said as they sat side by side on a sidewalk, sweaty from skating but with the adrenaline, that only feeling the wind as you go down a slope can make you feel, pumping on their bloods. “If you don’t you’ll never be able to be yourself. Or know what you want.”

Right now, as he thinks about that moment he gets a bit nostalgic, even feels like crying a little bit. Doesn’t help that he’s close to being high out of his mind. 

Johnny sits by his side, just like he did that day, only this time it’s at the balcony on the apartment they shared. He takes a drag from the blunt they had been passing back and forth for the last hour, watching the sunset and not really talking about anything in particular. 

“Do you think we can find love here?” He asks suddenly, the words escaping his mouth because he just couldn’t contain them anymore.

“What you mean here?” Johnny’s voice is slurred and he seems just as cloudy as Jaehyun is. If they weren’t high they would probably think this was far from a conversation to have in this state.

“In college I mean. I feel like every relationship that happens in this place is doomed to become just a passing thing.” He stumbles over the words, gesturing around with slow motion and it’s probably the deepest thing he has ever said, high or not. “Something to forget about after graduating.”

All his past relationships had gone away like wind, like something that never really even happened. It never felt important, like something that he would take him for the rest of his life. That thought bothered him for a reason and he always preferred to not think about that, but right now he feels like he can’t escape it anymore. 

His friend thinks for a second, the look on his face indicating he’s long gone as he stares outside. “I don't know man. I think you can find love anywhere if you are open to it.” He says simply and all in one breath. 

It’s silent for a moment and he watches the sunset, the sky a mix of orange and pink and it makes him think of you. These days his thoughts are all over the place, but your presence in them is constant. It had been just a week since the last time he saw you but it had definitely been getting to him, and it’s not hard to know why. 

“I think I’m in love.” It’s easy saying it than he thought it would be. “With ___. 

Johnny smiles knowingly. “Why do you think that?”

Because he can’t look at a sunset and not think of you. Because there are songs he can't listen without thinking about how you would probably like them. Because he catches himself thinking about the way you laugh with your cheeks turning pink when he makes a joke that is not even funny. Because of how you always have something smart to say back to his teasings. Because the thought of you being with someone else pisses off and because it feels safe and easy when he’s with you. 

“Because I miss her.” It’s what he decides on. “And I've never missed anyone like this before.” 

He feels like he has just let out a breath he's been holding on for a long time, his mind fuzzy and he can’t help but let a silly laugh.

“I think you should probably tell her that, then.” Johnny says simply, laughing too. 

“Yeah, I think so too.” 

✿

You see him for the first time again two weeks after what happened. It had been enough time for you to get over it, but you don’t. Only further proof that your feelings ran deeper than you wanted them to. 

Even with the promise of staying friends, the need for a time to collect yourself was obvious, so you stay out of touch with him for these days and it’s hell. And you think about Jaehyun more than you want to, his face appearing in your thoughts every time you close on your eyes, no matter how busy you tried to keep yourself. That’s why your heart basically somersaults out off your chest when you see him on campus when you’re making your way to your dorm after a very boring lecture.

It’s cliche and something that would probably fit on a movie, the way his eyes go wide as he sees you all the way from where he’s skating with some friends, not even minding that Yukhei was in front of him and collapsing into him almost in slow motion. You watch as he falls down with your lips in a comedic ‘oh’, Yukhei coming with him as everyone around them falls into laughter. 

It doesn't seem to faze him, though. Because next thing you know he’s getting up, seemingly not hurt, helping his friend and picking his skateboard up. He practically runs to you after that, baggy clothes moving with him. 

“Oh my god, are you okay?” Is what you ask when he finally gets close enough to you that you can hear his heavy breathing. His cheeks are fully red as he pants. 

You look at him with wide eyes as he catches his breath, arms crossed in front of you. The antsy feeling on your gut only gets worst by the second. 

“Don't — Don’t date Yuta.” Is what he says after a while, the words rushed as if he couldn’t keep them in anymore and all you can do is gape, confusion painted all over your face.

“What?” 

He sighs deeply, hand running on his face. “I — Fuck. I know I sound like an asshole but I don't want you to date him, please.”

You narrow yours eyes. He hasn’t talked to you in over a week and this is the first thing he decides to say. “You’re making no sense right now.” 

He seems stressed, mouth opening and closing as if he really doesn’t know what to say. Like this is what it is, an impulsive action. “Listen, I’m not good at this relationship thing.” Is what he starts with, looking at you with eyes pleading and feet shuffling. “But I… I wanna try.” 

He pauses, taking a deep breath as you let the words sink in. Your head spins with his confession, to stunned to say or do anything but look at him with parted lips and softening eyes.

“Can you give me another chance?” He continues, voice dripping with something that sounds a lot like begging, but you know that’s not like him to do. “Just one more time. I promise I’ll do it right this time.” 

When his words finally settle in you can’t help but let out a laugh, shaking your head in disbelief. “Are you stupid?” His head drops immediately, ears turning red as he rubs the back of his neck.

“Come on please, don’t do that.” His bottom lips jut out when he looks at you again, you still smiling because he really is stupid. He really has no idea. “I- I’m in love with you. Fuck, I really am.”

He says the word in a sigh and it surprises you, catches you off guard because even if he just said he wanted to try again, you didn’t think that he was feeling the same way you were. You look at him for a second, eyes wide before your lips turn into a smile. “You really are stupid.” Another laugh and he looks defeated, until you continue. “I don't want to date Yuta. I never did.” 

He tilts his head, confusion gracing his features. “No?” 

“You wanna know why?” It’s a rhetorical question because you quickly add the words you have wanted to say for so long. The feelings that scared you but at the same time made you feel extremely alive. “Because I'm in love with you too.” 

It’s blissful watching his face turn into one of completely adoration as his lips turn into the biggest grin, dimples showing and you heart beats with all the love you feel for this stupid, stubborn and lovely man. “You are?” He asks, hopeful and around a smile.

You barely have the time to nod before he’s letting his skate fall to the ground and he’s coming forward to give you a hug that lifts you from the ground, a yelp coming from your lips but it quickly turns into a giggle as he twirls you around in his arm in pure happiness. 

For a second you forget about every doubt you ever had. You just let yourself bask in the wonderful feeling that is being held by him. 

He wastes no time to press a searing kiss to your lips when he lets you down, holding your cheeks in his hands and you kiss him back with as much passion. In the back you can hear the cheers of his friends, and even if you flip them over, you are still smiling.

[sebspocketsquare]

Quarantine 6

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader (online)

A/N: Heya guys! Here’s part 6! I hope you enjoy it, and part 7 is already written and will be posted sometime this coming week :)

Warnings: Flirting, language, quarantine, feels, fluff, some sad talk, talk of the freight car incident, insecurities

Today was the day.

This was it.

There were rules, of course.

The door should stay shut at first.. until you’re both comfortable. 

And most importantly..

No contact… no matter how much the both of you wanted it.

It was the weirdest first date you were ever going to experience for sure, but ultimately the one most worth it, too. 

He was bringing his own beer, and you had some wine left over from Sam’s delivery three weeks ago.

It didn’t seem like it had been that long, but then again, you had learned time wasn’t real in quarantine.

You get dressed in comfy, but cute clothes. Sweatpants and an off the shoulder sweater seem like a good idea, and after applying the lightest bit of makeup to your face you feel like you’re almost ready for this kind-of date. 

Grabbing a few snacks, your wine glass and an unopened bottle, you set everything up next to the pillow you’ve placed right in front of your apartment door.

You were completely prepared.

He texted you forty five minutes ago that he was on his way, and he’s supposed to knock four times when he’s here.

You, of course, wouldn’t open the door, but it was enough to let you know he was really there.

Even though you knew he couldn’t see you, there was still a nervousness that lingered in your body.

Was it going to be awkward? Hell yeah. Were you both not going to know what to say at first? Absolutely. You just had to keep telling yourself it would be worth it.

You’re pouring yourself a glass of wine when four very soft knocks sound at your door.

Knock. Knock knock. Knock.

The pattern reminds you of a heartbeat. 

Your own.

“J?” You ask through the door, and his reply is a nervous laugh. 

“Yeah, doll. It’s me.”

You hear rustling for a few moments, the sounds of him making himself comfortable.

“I um.. I left you a cushion out there to sit on, so you wouldn’t be sitting on the ground.”

As soon as you say it, you hear a soft thump, surely the sound of him letting it fall to your doormat.

“How’s it going in there?” He wonders after a few minutes. The sound of him cracking open his beer can be heard, and it reminds you of the glass in your hand.

“It's um.. It’s good. I have my wine and snacks. How about you?”

He hums, and you take note of how it sounds different in person, rather than over the phone or on mic. “S’good. Just opened my beer.” He laughs softly before he speaks again, “Gotta be honest, I didn’t realize this would feel so..”

“Weird?” You finish for him.

He releases another laugh and a hum. “Yeah.. I’m sorry, doll. I just..”

“I know.” He just wanted to be there, with you.

“Just close your eyes while we talk for a little while. It’ll be just like we’re on the phone.” It was good advice, you had to admit, and though you weren’t usually one for taking your own, you make an exception this time to calm your erratic pulse.

Seconds turn to minutes, and minutes to hours.

Before you realize it, J has been on your porch for nearly three hours. You’re two glasses of wine deep and finally feeling your walls come down.. And hoping he feels the same.

“How are you feeling.. About this?” A simple question, yes, but you wanted him to feel safe, here with you. 

A soft sigh is heard, and an even softer thud as he rests his head against the door that separates you.

“I feel.. Better. You were right, about the eyes closed thing.” 

A smile graces your lips and you let your head fall back, too. You can’t help but wonder if it’s in the same space as his. So close, yet so far.

“How’s your wine?” He wonders, and you can hear the bit of humor in his voice. 

He’s heard both of the times you picked up and set down the bottle, and you’re sure he can tell you’re about to be ready for a third.

You giggle, the sound involuntary as the wine has now loosened up your shyness. “It’s good. Think I’ll have some more.”

Another glass is poured, and you can hear him set his second can on the ground with a soft clang. 

“Do ya maybe wanna play the question game?” He wonders, which makes a grin return to your face.

“You mean how we did one of the first times we talked?”

He chuckles and you hear a third beer can being opened. 

“Yeah, I guess.. But that was 20 questions.. There’s never enough questions.”

“So unlimited questions, then?” You feel the need to clarify with a laugh. 

“Well, sort of.. Until I have to leave.. And then we can pick up where we left off at our next date.” He stops, seeming to realize what he’s implied. “I-I mean that is.. If you even want there to be a second date..”

You find yourself wishing you could see his face when you give him your answer, “Of course I want to have a second date with you, J.”

He’s silent, so you hope he’s grinning from ear to ear. You’ll never know, because he decides to begin the game.

“What are you wearing to our date?”

The next hour and a half that passes is full of questions, giggles and outright laughter. You slowly get him to relax more and more, and it almost seems as if the door between you is disappearing.

You feel closer to him than ever.

Humming softly to yourself, you swish the last sip of wine around the glass. It had started to ignite a warm buzz under your skin, making you feel calmer. A little braver too.

“Tell me your favorite and least favorite thing about yourself.”

You hear him laugh on the other side of the door. 

“Like.. personality wise or looks wise?”

It’s your turn to giggle, “Both would be nice, but.. I meant about how you look.. you gotta give me something, you know. I’ve spent ages trying to imagine you.”

He chuckles again, and then you hear him exhale.

“Favorite? I think I have pretty nice eyes. They’re blue, by the way. Don’t know if I ever told you that.. and I guess I.. I have a pretty nice uh.. build?” You hear him take another sip of his drink before he continues, “I mean, I work out a lot.”

All you can think of is that he may or may not have killer abs and huge biceps to wrap around you to keep you close, and you’re well aware it’s more than just the wine causing such thoughts.

“My least favorite..?” It sounds like he needs clarification.

“You know..” you pause, “your biggest insecurity.. I’ll tell you mine.”

“Okay…” He hums, so softly it’s almost inaudible. “I um.. remember how I told you I was in the army?”

“Yeah, I remember.”

“I was in the field, and I um.. I had an accident..”

When he stops, you find your eyes growing wider and your spine going straight. 

He continues.

“I…I fell from a freight car and..” He hisses, and you can tell he’s trying not to tell you everything, just to refrain from crying. “The doctor who found me said I had two choices.. lose my arm or my life, and.. he made the decision for me.”

There’s silence for a few moments before you speak. “So you..”

“I have a prosthetic, now. Don’t get me wrong, it’s very high tech and I can do anything any normal person can, but.. I still have a lot of scars. They’re not pretty to look at.”

You’re at a loss for something to say because all you want to do is hold him.

He’s not a mind reader, so he becomes even more unsure about his insecurity. “Does that.. bother you..? That I’m not.. whole?”

He almost spits out the last word, as if he expects you to be disgusted in him, as if he’s any less of a man for it.

“No.” Your response is immediate. “If anything, I.. I admire you more for what you’ve just told me.”

“You don’t think the scars will bother you?” There’s a sadness to his tone, and you try to comfort him with the knowledge of your insecurity.

“No, I.. I really don’t. I know it’s not the same, but.. my biggest insecurity would have to be my stretch marks..” you finish your wine in a quick gulp, hoping for a little more courage. “I um.. I’ve got them on my thighs, hips, chest, some on my belly.. I don’t know when I got them really or why I have so many, but I do.. I don’t even feel comfortable in a two piece bathing suit anymore..”

He sits in silence as you continue.

“They’re scars, you know.. I-I know it’s not from anything super traumatic and not even comparable to the awful things you went through, but..”

“I bet they’re beautiful. I bet you’re beautiful.”

The words are soft, you almost don’t hear him, but it’s enough to make your entire body blush and tears sting your eyes. 

The only thing stopping the two of you from seeing each other was four inches of wood and knowing that you couldn’t just open the door crushed your heart.

“I’ll make you a deal, J..” You start, chewing the inside of your cheek as you contemplate whether you really should go through with your idea. This wine was going to get you in trouble.

“Yeah? What’s that, doll?”

“I’ll send you a photo of myself tomorrow.. If you send me one in return.”

He releases a loud exhale, and not being able to see his expression has you worried that it might not have been from excitement.

“Really? Fuck, I mean.. You have no idea how badly I want to see you.”

Another smile? You could get used to this.

“Yes, really. Do we have a deal?”

A moment passes before he gives you his final answer, “I believe we have a deal, Clair.”

Shuffling is heard on the other side of the door, followed by a signature sigh. “I should get goin, babe.. It’s pretty late.”

You nod, then realize he can’t see you. “Let me know when you make it home.”

You hear him stand up, so you do the same, setting your empty glass on the floor beside you.

Turning to face the door, you place your hand on the wood. 

The barrier between you seemed greater than ever in that moment.

You can’t see him placing his hand in the exact same spot as yours.

So close.

Yet so far.

“I will.. I.. I’ll miss you.”

His confession makes your heart ache.

“I already miss you.”

“Bye, Clair.”

“See you soon, J.”

TAGS: (I wasnt sure who to tag, so if you dont want to be, I’m sorry!! Just trying to get this out there. ALSO if you wanna be tagged INBOX ME! I tend to miss people in the tags :(  ).  @mindingmyownbusiness​ @plumfondler​  @buckybarnesappreciationsociety​ @loricameback​ @tinaferraldo​ @geminimoonbeamx​  @preserumsteverogers​ @moderapoppins​ @lowkeysebby​ @buckyshattergirl​  @jayattemptstoruletheworld​    @the-observant-fangirl​ @moondancewrites​ @moonbeambucky​ @trinityjadec​  @stevieang​  @bionic-buckyb​ @eyecandybarnes​ @propertyofpoeandbucky​ @promarvelfangirl​ @ballyhoobarnes​ @bucky-plums-barnes​ @cate-lynne​ @witchymarvelspacecase​ @imaginingbucky​ @theimpossibleg1rl​ @babygurl8840​ @wonderlandmind4 @buckysthing​ @formulafun​ @curvybihufflepuff​ @fanficsformarvelkillme​  @shadyskit​ @lostinthoughtsandfeelings​ @reading–mermaid @fuckmestan​ @siliverin​ @verygraphicink​ @sallyp-53 @thatsbucknasty​ @steadyphantomcat​ @booktease21 @kiki5283 @lostinspace33 @drayshadow​ @theperditioncrasher​ @mmyepic​ @feelmyroarrrr@alien-beans @heartsaved​ @sideeffectsofyou​ @dreamingofonceuponatime​ @just-a-littlebit-of-everything​ @bluerorjhan​ @tarynsnotokay​ @jamdropx35 @turquoisekokiri​ @pinknerdpanda​​ @starkrobb​ @marvelgirl7​ @unscriptedtimetraveler​ @fangeekkk​ @wonderlandmind4​ @pinkisokay​ @mrsdaamneron​ @rynabarnesrogers​ @wish-i-had-something-better​ @stanning-seb-stan​ @oilersgirl35​ @vaisabu​ @paranoid-borderline-insane​ @bonkywobble​ @vikki-rogue​ @witchymegg​ @a--1--1--3​ @margetastic33​ @stuffandstuff-stuff​ @broken-hearted-barnes​ @elementec​ @thummbelina​ @booktease21​

[simsadventures]

Better Like This- Chapter 1: The Squad

Chapter Summary: Reader is on her way to her new department, the SVU, or as people like to call them, the Avengers. She thinks back to her previous department and is introduced to the squad. Nothing can happen, right? 

Warnings: I used one swear word, sue me, other than that: none, it is a police AU, beware

Pairing (in this chapter): Alpha!Tony x Omega!Bruce, Alpha!Bucky x Omega!Reader, 

Word Count: 2121 

A/N: This is really just an introductory chapter to get this thing going. Bear with me please, it will get better, I promise. More action coming soon! x

Series Masterlist __ Masterlist

Your feet carried you along the hallway. This was it, you were finally here. The one place you’ve dreamed about, the ones towards which all of your hopes were inclining. The special victims unit of New York’s police. Most people, however, called them the Avengers for the dedication to avenging the unfortunate victims’ souls and lives. You knew you couldn’t work for this team unless someone put a good word for you and your well-done job. 

So you kept your head down, and after the police academy went to work for the missing persons unit to prove you were a more than capable of handling the job. One thing that stood in your way, and not only in the police work was your presentation. Ever since you presented as Omega when you were 17, your life changed dramatically. You were used to the stereotypes and aggressive and touchy Alphas by now, and with your training, you could take on most of them. 

You could, however, see that most Alphas in the police academy and then later in your previous unit weren’t trusting your skills and they were undermining your every step of the way. But you came back stronger, more determined and definitely more than ready to show all those assholes that you were more than a womb for their seed or a pretty face. You were tough! And you were about to prove it! 

The team of the SVU was a big one, the whole police department knowing that these were the crimes most common in NY and in this case, the more, the merrier. The unit was run by an Alpha, naturally, but from what you heard, he was one of the good ones. 

His name was Captain Rogers, and from the photos you’ve seen from the numerous arrests you saw, he was really handsome, with that big bulky arms and enchanting eyes. Not really your type if you were honest with yourself, he looked like too much of a goody-goody, but, who knows, right? But looks aside, all departments knew that this Captain was fair, doing his job so well some people wanted to see him in a chair of a Commissioner, even though he was only 30-35, who could tell, right? You were actually really excited to work for/with him and most importantly, to learn from him. Hopefully, you’d get the chance.

Other than him, however, you didn’t really know anyone from the team. You could maybe tell one or two names, but that was it. You really hoped these people, even though most probably mostly Alphas, were not as horrible as your previous team. You didn’t mean to offend anybody, but they really were just bunch of knot-headed idiots… 

All except the only Beta on the team, and your rock for the past two years. His name is Vision or short Vis, and he really was one of the main reasons why you stayed on the team and didn’t give up on your dream. It was him telling you almost every day that you were good enough and that you could do big things, if only you wanted and were determined enough to actually start doing them. Soon after you guys met, he introduced you to his fiancé, Wanda, also a Beta, who is an artist- she does everything from oil painting to creating sculptures from old washing machines (yup, she’s done that!). 

Sure, you did have some friends from college, but you mostly lost touch with them, never really feeling as if you fitted between them. The Alphas really only saw you as a piece of meat, and the Omegas… well, they were friendly, and all but you could see that their only aspiration in life was to get mated, give their Alphas as many pups as they could and.. that was it. 

However, there still was one exception (there always was, right?) and you were thanking whatever God was sitting upstairs for bringing her into your life. Her name was Gamora and, just like you, she wanted to prove to everyone that Omegas were as valuable in the society as any Alpha. She was now part of the fire department in NY, the only Omega in the whole unit, and you couldn’t have been more proud of her. 

You stopped before the door to the office. You shouldn’t be thinking about your whole life right before you’re starting a new job. You cleared your throat, took three calming breaths and opened the door. 

What you could already tell from just the one step you took into the open-office, was the lighter air that surrounded you. You could smell all three presentations mingling in the air, and the atmosphere could only be described as calm. Which is definitely not the word you would use to describe your previous job. Sure, stressful, constricted, too-much-testosterone, those words you could use, but calm? Friendly? Never.

Few people looked up from their works, slightly nodded their heads and smiled, but nothing really more than that as you continued on your way to the Captain’s personal office. 

 Knock, knock. “Come in,” you heard from the inside of the room. “Ah, detective Y/L/N. You are a little early, I like that!” He smiled, warmly at you as you shook his hand. “Captain Rogers, I’m really thankful for this opportunity and-“you couldn’t finish your sentence as he raised his hand and smiled again. “Don’t thank me, detective. It was your hard work and so many successful arrests and finding of the missing people that got you this job. We are thrilled to have you here.” 

You released a breath you didn’t know you were holding. When he raised the hand, you really expected him to shut you up by saying that he had to employ you, or that he doesn’t expect you to last so you shouldn’t really be thankful. But the warmth which radiated from him, his friendly smile, those were not the things you were prepared for.  

“So, to get to the work, I’ll pair you up with one of our senior detectives, Scott Lang. Give me a sec.” He went around you, opened the door and yelled: “Hey, Lang, your new partner’s here.” 

Which was followed by a loud laughing howl by what you thought was Scott. “Excuse him, he is just a big child sometimes, but somehow, he is really good at his job.” Steve looked at you, half amused. “’s ok. I’m really used to pretty much anything, sir.” You smiled at him as you smelt an Alpha coming to the office. 

“You must be Y/L/N! I’m so excited to meet you! I mean, sheesh, your stats? Unbelievable, you gotta show me all your secrets, dude!” He then grabbed you and pulled you into a bear hug. What the fuck is happening? 

“I mean when I heard I was gonna be paired up with you? Man, I almost fainted! You are like a fracking legend thanks to that Rumlow arrest!” He was literally beaming. You couldn’t help your own smile as you watched the Alpha ramble on and on. 

You giggled when Captain stopped Scott from going on with his outburst. “Alright, you can fangirl over your partner later, Lang,” he turned to you with an apologetic shrug, to which you just smiled and rolled your eyes playfully. “Let me introduce you to the rest of the squad, and after that, we got a job to do. Come on.”

“Listen up, squad. This is detective Y/N Y/L/N. Detective, this is your new squad, your new family. Detective Tony Stark,” he showed you a smaller Alpha, with a smirk on his face, obviously full of himself but he didn’t look at you like you were a piece of meat. Just amused look seeing a newbie, really. 

“He is also like our IT genius, so whenever you have a problem, he is your person.” The Captain continued. You both just nodded at each other, and the introduction continued. “This is his Omega, doctor Bruce Banner, he is our forensic guy and pretty much anything science-going on, it goes through him.” Bruce hugged you, “It is so nice to meet you, it must be overwhelming to come to such big new squad, but these idiots are really fine.” He smirked at you, and you laughed. “Hey, who you calling an idiot, huh? We’ll talk about it at home, LOVE!” Tony’s voice beamed behind Bruce. He just rolled his eyes and shrugged, “Yeah, whatever you say, my big bad Alpha.” 

You really laughed out loud and even snorted a little, which caused little laughs all around the squad. “With a laugh like that? You’ll be just fine here, sweetheart.” Said the only female voice on the team, a Beta who introduced herself as Natasha. You liked her immediately. “I haven’t heard such teasing between Alphas and Omegas in a long time, that’s all.” “Well, sweetie, get used to it because the teasing here? That’s a daily tea!” She smiled and winked. “Oh I can’t wait, bring it!” You all laughed when suddenly, the front door opened.

Before you could actually notice who was coming in, you could smell them. Two Alphas. One’s smell was very regular, and due to your suppressants (which you were really taking as a precaution in your line of work), all Alphas smell more or less the same to you. You can smell the testosterone and the “strength” if you could call it that. 

But the other Alpha was different. You took another whiff of air, and it suddenly hit you like a tidal wave. This Alpha (you couldn’t yet see if it was a man or a woman, due to the squad surrounding you) smelled like heaven to you. It was a combination of sandalwood, the smell of forest shortly after rain and something else, like a spice which you weren’t able to identify. But you didn’t really care. 

The only thing running through your mind was one word: MATE! MATE! MATE! Was it possible? 

Not that you didn’t believe in true mates, your heart was romantic enough to keep that hope alive. But as you were growing older, and none of the Alphas you met ignited any fire in you, you started to slowly give up. 

But now you were sure. He or she was here and though you would never say it out loud, the Omega in you started purring contently. You could remotely hear the team talking about something, a joke maybe? You weren’t sure as you went on your tip-toes to try and see who walked through that door. You could see 4 eyes looking your way, one pair brown and you felt that those weren’t those eyes you were looking for. 

The second pair was icy blue and when you looked into them, you felt as if the Alpha could see right into your soul. You wanted to look away, tried not to be the stereotypical Omega, but you just couldn’t make yourself let go. 

There was a scenario in your head, for when you’d meet your Alpha. You tried not to think of it, but it was there, in the back of your mind. You would look at each other, walk towards each other, touch each other’s cheek and smile and just be happy. You didn’t need a fairytale, just this little act of future love and affection. 

Your feet, therefore, carried you towards this Adonis of an Alpha, still looking into his eyes. What you didn’t expect, however, was the Alphas loud growl. It stopped you in your tracks. You wanted to whine but stopped yourself. You were an adult with some self-control. Even if you could feel this control slipping away each second you were in the Alpha’s presence. 

He snarled, shook his head and turned around to run out of the open-office and, probably, outside of the building too. 

The whine escaped your lips however hard you tried to suppress it. What was this Alpha’s problem? You immediately started to blame yourself, for probably not being his type, or not being pretty enough, but you stopped yourself. You used to blame yourself for every little misstep, for every bad mood of your father’s, Christ, even for the rain pouring down too hard when you had to do something outside. But the longer you spent with good friends like Gamora or Vis you realised, other people’s issues had mostly nothing to do with you.

So you knew that this wasn’t your fault! He just left without even getting to know you, touching you… What was this Alpha’s problem?

Next chapter>

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If you’d like to be tagged comment/message/send an ask. If you like the story, please reblog :) any comments are appreciated, even the critical one. Always a space to get better, so let me know what you guys think. <3

[alwayseattherude21fanfic]

Can I ask for a Mayan request? Can you do one where the girl is Miguel’s younger sister and like her relationships with everyone on the show?? It would be awesome if she was dating Nestor to. Thanks!

A.N:So, this one is going to be a two-parter because it got away from me lol. This first half will be focused on the MC, the next will be from the Cartel side. The second part should be posted sometime early next week, as I have a few Coco and Angel prompts coming up. I’ve also cut out some MC members, as I don’t think they would have had much interaction with such a character; Taza, Tranq, Creeper, Gilly. All that said, I really hope you enjoy this little slice, look forward to the next part, and as always, have a request? Drop it in! 

                                                                                                 FACE VALUE 

                                                        PART ONE

BISHOP

Bishop is… Weary. You know that saying? All that glitters is not gold? Yeah, he’s a big believer of that one. And, hearing of Galindo’s sister, a young woman who, according to the grape vine, is a prominent charity fundraiser, volunteers at local hospices and does outreach work in underprivileged neighborhoods, those alarm bells are ringing. 

On the few occasions they meet, he takes to questioning her subtly. He asks her how work is going, if it was the hospice up on fifth that she worked at, even though he knew it was on forth, just to see if he can catch her out. He never does. She smiles, flashing dimples, and is always cheerfully polite. To be honest, it pisses him off. 

Badly.

No one, and he sincerely meant no one, was spotless. Especially if they had Galindo blood. Still, he isn’t outrightly hostile, he isn’t about to risk his and the MC’s relationship to the Galindo cartel because he can’t keep his mouth shut or paint on a smile when needed, and neither does he take his doubts further than the odd question to see if her answer matches the Intel he has.

He knows how to play the great game.

Bishop is the type of man who likes knowing. And he doesn’t take anything at face value. It’s what’s kept his MC above water, and he himself as a dangerous president. He didn’t get, and most importantly, keep that position by not being an inch on the suspicious side. So, meeting this little sister, who for all the world looks like she is heading towards sainthood, and watching the way Miguel seems to look towards her, care for her, plain for all to see, you can bet Bishop is going to do a little digging, weighing up what exactly this means for him and his crew. 

If she might be a… Problem. 

He comes up with nothing but more sickeningly good deeds. Open craft nights for orphans. Funding rescue homes. Food shelters for the homeless. Fuck, the girl is in medical school, learning to become a doctor, where, from what he’s heard, she plans to volunteer in poor districts. Either she really is this spotless, and if so, damn, the world needs more people like her in it, or she’s so good at hiding her own shit that even he can’t smell it… And that is something he can respect. 

Even admire. 

RIZ

Riz is fond. He met her once, down in the brothel by the border, where she was doing some outreach work with the women there. At the time, he did not know it was that Galindo, and when he did find out when one of the women told him after the girl had left, he was surprised. More than surprised.

A Galindo? Are you sure? Really? 

Nevertheless, he watched the way she was respectful to the working girls. She didn’t judge them. She wasn’t snooty or condescending. She really just wanted to help. He could tell. 

She offered out free protection, gave out numbers for local shelters should the girls need it, counselling for any abuse if they wished to take it, and went as far as giving out her own number should any of them wish or need to simply talk to an open ear without condemnation or judgement. 

From then on, he liked her. 

It wasn’t often anyone cared about the little man, not unless the little guy could do something for them, and as an underdog himself, from less than stellar beginnings, Riz appreciated the work she was trying to do for those just like him when he was younger. 

Most importantly, she didn’t make it feel like charity work. There was no photo’s splattered about the place, on the front of newspapers, taken of her sitting with kids less fortunate than her, only to get back up, walk away and not look back. She didn’t boast about the work she did, in fact, most of it, especially her involvement, was kept under the table. 

She wasn’t afraid to go out into the field herself, rather than just simply pumping money out and getting a grunt to do the leg work, and, seemingly, enjoyed that most. It’s where she thrived, in the thick of it, meeting new people from all different walks of life, and she did, honestly, seem invested in each and every person she met. 

And that was something he could respect even more. 

She had a big smile, and an even bigger heart. So, one day, when she returned to the brothel to catch up with the ladies, if there was a bouquet of roses waiting for her with a simple note saying ‘thanks’, it was the least Riz could do to show her that at least one person appreciated her efforts. 

EZ

Ez feels… Conflicted. To him, the Galindo’s are what is wrong with the world. Cutthroat. Duplicitous. Bloody. You don’t get in a Galindo’s way, unless you want to get dead. 

He’s formed a sort of picture in his mind. Perhaps over exaggerated in some aspects, grossly under exaggerated in others, this is a cartel family after all, and it’s very hard, especially for Ez, to move away from that picture. 

But she breaks that picture mercilessly. 

She’s exactly everything opposite to what he expects a Galindo to be. Kind. Caring. Perhaps a bit overly cheerful. And he can’t add the name, Galindo, to her face. It just doesn’t fit. 

Maybe it’s a bit of jealousy, her brother is married to his ex, an ex he still has strong feelings for, and by association, she’s guilty too in the beginning. However, with each time they meet, running into each other, the more Ez realizes she’s not her brother, and the more conflicted he becomes.

He doesn’t want to like her, but he does.  

Fuck, he does.

He’s passing over info about the Galindo’s to the feds, it’s his ticket to freedom, and that includes Miguel’s sister, anything at all the feds can use against the cartel leader, and a sister was prime real-estate in that battle, and, with each passing over, guilt begins to gnaw at him. 

Because he knows, when the time comes, the feds will use everything he has told them, including things about her, against Miguel. And she doesn’t deserve to be dragged into the vicious dog fight about to be unleashed. 

He doubts she would survive it. 

He hopes she proves him wrong. 

ANGEL 

Angel likes her, and that’s the problem. She’s a Galindo, and Angel, well, he had set himself squarely in the Los Olvidados camp. Unlike Ez, though, there is no guilt in the beginning. 

It’s just business. 

In the world they lived in, you either stepped on a few toes, or you had your own toes stepped on. Angel liked his shoes just how they were, thank you. It was nothing personal. 

The thing is, that sort of mentality was easier said than done. When you begin to get to know someone personally, that tends to start blurring the whole ‘business is business’ excuse. 

Angel didn’t like that. 

He didn’t like the way she was easy to get along with. He didn’t like the way she shared the same sort of humour as him. Dark, unexpectedly so for someone so fucking preppy, sardonic and bitter. Like black coffee. He didn’t like how she asked personal shit, like asking after how he was doing, if he was alright, and expected nothing in return. She really just cared. He wasn’t used to that. He was the older brother. He was the one to check up, not be checked up on. He liked none of it. 

Because it fucked up his whole ‘nothing personal’ rationalization. 

So, he starts distancing himself. When they cross paths, he walks by, acting as if he hasn’t seen her, seen her smile at him in greeting, growing confused as he ducks his head down and slinks off. When she waits in the car out in the scrapyard, when Miguel is down and in the temple checking off points with Bishop, he turns his back and pretends he doesn’t hear his name being called, only to go ignored. 

Again, nothing personal. It was just what had to be done. He had already started backing Adelita, and, at the time, thinking she was going to take down the cartel, Miguel’s sister included, Galindo’s appeared to come in a package deal, it seemed the best course of action. 

Yet, he feels like shit for it. 

Angel’s not used to being rude, unfriendly or even unsociable. Especially to someone so... Kind, It never sat right with him. So, when he learns Adelita’s plans were never one of obliteration, but of getting into bed with the Galindo’s, he feels fucking stupid. Real stupid. 

He feels even worse when, after spotting her in the car waiting out front of the temple for Miguel to finish, he greeted her, the first time in months, and she acted as if nothing was amiss, as if he hadn’t been treating her like a leper for the last six months. 

In fact, her first words were asking how he was doing, and fuck, she was a good kid. Better than most. Still, Angel doesn’t apologize. He can’t. If he apologizes, he recognizes he had changed towards her, and if he recognizes that, then he has to recognize the reason, and he doesn’t need anyone, especially a Galindo, no matter how nice they are, analyzing his shifting moods. 

Yet, he apologizes without words.  A strawberry frappe, those frilly drinks that don’t really belong in a coffee house, her favourite, is always waiting for her when the Galindo car pulls up to the MC. There’s always an extra slice of cheesecake left in the garage fridge for her. And there is, now, a bowl on the side of the bar, filled with her favourite chili chocolates. 

The kid has a sweet-tooth a mile long. 

COCO

Coco is distrustful. He’s met plenty of people like her before. Social workers who came milling about when he was a kid, promising to protect, help,only to finish their paper work and move on to the next sorry case. 

That’s all they were, kids, people like him, numbers and statistics, bad stains on societies face that needed to be fixed. Quickly. They pretend they care, they pretend they want to help, but they don’t. Not really. They just want to finish their work quota, file away the day and get home. 

When they get to their bed, they could tell themselves they did something good today and sleep tight. Lies. All of it lies. Pretty, but false. The truth was that alcoholic dad they were giving anger management lessons to would still hit his kids, only in places people couldn’t see now. That druggy mother they had put in rehab? Yeah, she was back on the street scoring by the end of the week, leaving her kids at home, hungry and scared. That prostitute they had gotten to swear not to work the corner again? She was back to hopping men for cash within the hour. 

He knew that one personally.

Call him cynical. He just knew how people worked when they weren’t being watched. 

At first, he thinks she’s just another cog in the machine. The pretty face to the ugly truth of the Galindo cartel, something her brother uses to hide behind. A come look at me, look how good we are, how could we be conducting illegal drug rings, sort of deal. 

And then one night, on the ride home, he sees her down an alley way. It’s the type of alley no local would go down. Filled with trash, blankets where the homeless crash when the nights get chilly, where shady drug deals go down. Coco doesn’t know why he stops, but he does. 

He didn’t recognize her at first, having only saw her in brief passing before. No. That night, he simply see’s a woman crouching down in the dark, hunched. He parked up at the side of the road, still not really knowing what he was doing, why he was doing it, but there he was, getting off his bike, walking over. 

Call it his good deed of the year. 

Imagine his surprise when, through the flicker of the street light, he finally got a glimpse of her face and realised who it was. Now, imagine that surprise going tenfold when he saw her, crouched there, talking away to some woman, obviously down on her luck, black eye and all, and, upon seeing the woman’s bare feet, socks holey and damp, she sat right down in the middle of that alley way, plucked her own boots right off, and handed them over without so much as a blink. 

The woman took them, after some urging, and as bright as a sunbeam, she gave her some money, all she had in her wallet, told her were the local shelter was, and as if she was strolling off to Disneyland, stood up and started walking down the street, sans shoes. 

Coco followed her. 

He didn’t know why until he catches up. He tells her to come back, he has a bike, that she shouldn’t walk around, barefoot, at night, in this sort of place. She says thank you. That it was really kind of him. He didn’t need to go out of his way for her. She’ll pay him for the gas when she gets home and gets her bank card. Coco waves her off.

This girl was something else. 

When he pulls up to the place she told him to drop her off, he realizes it’s the hospice she volunteers at, that she has a night-shift she’s planning to take… Barefoot. Coco doesn’t say anything. She smiles at him, wishes him a good night, and she’s off, full of endless energy and smiles. 

However, come morning, by the time she has to leave to head home, there is a pair of new boots waiting for her at the front desk, new tags still hanging on the zip. Kindness deserved to be rewarded, even just a little. Perhaps, Coco thought, there really was people out there who were kind. Who really did care. For once, Coco felt hope. 

A pair of boots seemed a good price to feel that way again. 

[skyking91-archive]

Discord thread featuring: Sky & @samuelburton

When: October 4, 2020 - right before Sam takes Sky to her surprise birthday party

Where: Sam’s apartment

Mentions: @jesskipp

Description: Sam cooks Sky a b-day lunch, and plays her the song he wrote for her

Trigger Warnings: fluff fluff fluff. 

Sam

sam had been preparing a little something special for sky's birthday for a little while now. it was hard to compete with yacht parties and expensive gifts, but sam knew that all sky really wanted was to spend time with her loved ones on her special day. sam was lucky to be counted among them. he hadn't always been the most talented in the kitchen, but he really had been working on improving his skills and for lunch he whipped up a light but tasty pasta dish that was absolutely delicious. it was sam's responsibility to get sky to the surprise party, so they didn't have too much time, but sam wanted to make the most of it. the table was set appropriately with candles and roses because if sam learned anything from watching the food network it was all about the presentation. he pulled sky's chair out for her and once she was seated, ducked his head to speak directly into her ear. "happy birthday, love," he told her, giving her a quick peck on the cheek.

Sky

Sky hasn’t been this happy in a while. She had a good job, one in which she was making a lot of money off, she was just cast as one of her dream roles in one of her favorite shows, and most importantly she had to most loving and supportive boyfriend that anyone could ever ask for. Sam’s plan for today was so romantic. There was nothing sexier than a man who wanted to cook for their lover. While Sky loved fancy parties and an excuse to dress up, but when it came to Sam...quality time with him was everything she ever needed and more. She was still in her dance outfit from the class she taught at Jaycee’s studio earlier when she entered the room. Her face lit up at the sight. “Sam...” she mused, blushing a little at the way he pulled out the chair for her and kissed her on the cheek. She felt like a real princess.

Sam

sam sat across from her at the small table he'd set for them. it was no elaborate set up with balloons and paper hearts, but it was heartfelt non the less. he uncorked the bottle of wine, pouring them each a glass. "i thought since it's your birthday we could definitely indulge in a little day drinking," he told her with a wink. it was so nice to be able to spend time with sky like this. between rehearsals, her dance classes, and her job, it was getting harder to spend quality time together like this. it only made it harder that they couldn't really be seen in public together. but sam was so happy for her. she was doing so well and he couldn't be more proud of her. "an amazing home cooked meal for an amazing girl," sam smiled, raising his glass.

Sky

Ah, wine. Sky and Jess considered themselves wine connoisseurs even though they were far from that. She hummed contently as she watched him pour the wine for the pair. This was the simplest gesture, but she honestly felt like a fucking princess. Sky had such a busy and crazy life, but she loved keeping busy and doing the things she was passionate about. She hadn't been this happy in such a long time. She was making money, dancing, singing, acting, and dating the best man in the entire city. 29 was bound to be an amazing year. "I love you." she smiled at him, raising her glass and taking a tiny sip of her wine.

Sam

“don’t say that until you’ve tried the pasta,” sam joked, though he was smiling the way he did whenever she told him she loved him. he would never tire of hearing her say that. sam tipped back his glass, taking a sip of wine before promptly digging in. it was pretty fucking good and sam felt relief wash over him. they weren’t the kind of couple who needed everything to be perfect to enjoy themselves but he wanted to do something nice for sky for her birthday and was glad that he really had improved as far as cooking goes.

Sky

Sky snorted at her little goofball. She followed his lead and took a tiny bite of the pasta, much more gracefully than Sam was eating. But wow. It was so damn good. She took another sip of her wine before locking eyes with him and reaching across the table to grab his hand. "Thank you so much." She grinned again. Her face was hurting from smiling so hard. This was such a sweet gesture, and it made her heart so full. She really did not think she deserved Sam. There was still a pit in her stomach about the whole Mat thing, and part of her thought that their relationship would end the same way it did before. But moment like these reassured Sky that Sam really was the one.

Sam

“you deserve it,” sam told his girlfriend, his smile warm and genuine, his eyes soft. seeing her happy like this made sam absolutely melt. he loved her so much. they continued eating and chatting, joking around, and just generally having a really good time. once they’d both finished their meal and another glass of wine, sam stood and rounded the table. he stood behind her, squeezing her shoulders as he leaned down to kiss her head. “i’ve got one more surprise for you,” he told her.

Sky

This was perfect. She was always having a laugh when she was with Sam, and she was just so genuinely happy this afternoon. Sky raised her brows when her boyfriend told her that he had another surprise for her — her mind automatically going to a nice gift. His massive cock would be nice too. She tilted her head to look into her favorite pair of blue eyes. Her heart stopped just about every time she looked into them. Still. “What is it?” She asked eagerly.

Sam

“come here.” sam took sky’s hand and guided her out of her chair and into his room. “i’d love to give you diamonds or something just as extravagant because you deserve it, but i hope that this will be just as good if not better,” he told her before guiding her over to sit beside him at his keyboard. sam loved the piano, but he rarely played for others. it was something that he kept for himself. but this was a special occasion and music had always been something so important to sam and was sometimes the easiest way for him to express what he was feeling. he smiled at sky, a little nervous, and began to play. it was a medley of her favorite showtunes interwoven with score from some of her favorite movies. his fingers glided skillfully over the keys as he transitioned from one piece into the next before ending with something completely original. he’d written it especially for sky. he’d poured everything into it, communicating with music rather than words just how much she meant to him.

Sky

Sky chuckled. Diamonds sounded nice, but she’d never ask Sam to do that for her. Bedsides, she’d soon be able to buy her own diamonds with this new job. She grinned as she followed him. Her heart fell into her stomach and she stopped him her steps when he sat down on the piano. He didn’t. She slowly moved to sit down on the bench next to him, her jaw to the floor. This was one of the most beautiful things she had ever heard in her life. Her dark eyes flickered from his gorgeous hands to his face which was concentrated on the keys below them. Sky really didn’t expect something like this at all. This was better than any diamonds or gold anyone could ever buy her. “I love you.” She told him. He didn’t even need to say those words back to her because she could tell just how much he did by listening to that song. “Sam...” she put her face in her hands. She was absolutely speechless for once.

Sam

sam couldn’t have hoped for a better reaction. his heart was so full of love for his girlfriend and seeing the look on her face was all he ever needed. sam put his arms around her, pulling her into his side and kissing her on the head. “you? speechless? who are you and what have you done with my girlfriend?” he teased, squeezing her shoulder. “happy birthday, love,” he told her. “you’re everything to me.”

Sky

“Shut up.” She giggled, nudging him in the arm with her elbow playfully. But he was right. Damn. Sky could talk but there were not words to describe how she was feeling right now. “I’m happy to be spending this year with you.” She told him. “You’re my everything too.” She looked over at him with a bright smile. She wished she could give him everything so that he could just work on his music. She’d work her three jobs — Jaycee’s studio, the show, and Mat’s fake girlfriend — 24/7 if that meant that Sam could just do what he loved all day. She owed him that much. “Hey. We should write a song together one day.” She smirked.

Sam

sam smiled when she said she was happy to spend the year with him. it was kind of funny the way they ended up together once again, just in time for the holidays. it almost felt like a do over, though a lot had changed. sam was determined to get it right this time around. “me too,” he said, still holding her close. at her suggestion, he turned to look at her, eyes bright with excitement at the idea of creating music together. “yeah?” he said, his smile widening. “you know i love hearing you sing,” he added, leaning in to kiss her sweetly. when he pulled away, he managed to catch sight of the clock on the nightstand. if they were going to make it to the party in time, they needed to start getting ready. “hey, how about we take a bit of an evening stroll?” he asked.

Sky

And Sky loved to sing for Sam. He was probably her biggest fan and she was most definitely his. He supported her career like nobody she ever knew. Especially since growing up was so hard for her. Sam was one of maybe two or three consistent people she had in her life at this point. Sky pouted when her boyfriend pulled away from her, although the words coming out of his mouth were beyond sweet. Of course they made Sky blush, but she wanted to be kissing him again so damn bad. "Or we could stay here and I could jump your bones?" She kissed him again, leaning into him this time. A walk sounded nice, sure. But this was better.

Sam

sam kissed her back, smiling against her lips. it was really really tempting. and sounded like a much better option to sam. but he’d been given the responsibility of getting sky to that party and he knew that sky would absolutely love that her friends, namely jess, had put it together for her. “you don’t know how much i’d love that,” he sighed as he pulled away. “but i think you’d really enjoy taking a walk,” he said, giving her a meaningful look. he knew that there were probably more subtle ways of getting sky out the door, but they were working against the clock here. “trust me,” he told her, leaning in to give her a quick kiss in the nose.

[dont-reblog--i-moved]

Thank you, little side of tumblr.

This post might be pretty heavy for some so tw for depression/mental illness/abuse uwu

It's also really long. Sorry. 😅

🌸

As many of you already know, I struggle a lot with my mental health. Especially living at a time and place where I can't really get the help I desperately need to handle it appropriately. As some of you may not know, I have struggled with my mental health throughout my entire life, stemming from disorders I was born with to several different sources of trauma and abuse during my childhood alone. This all went unchecked and untreated in me until it accumulated into an intense, months long breakdown in 2015/16. It was so bad that I am still very slowly recovering from the nothingness I filled my days with, which caused my brain to lower its tolerance a huge amount to everyday things like fatigue and typical life obstacles. I am so meek and timid compared to how I used to be. Not that I was super confident by any means, but you get my drift.

Now, one of my biggest coping mechanisms has always been little stuff. I never knew anything about littlespace or cgl growing up, so I never had a Daddy or anything like that when I was younger, I can promise you that much. But I did naturally enjoy doing (ns) little stuff like watching Blue's Clues and wearing Yo Gabba Gabba t-shirts in middle school and similar stuff. I did, however, feel like a freak for always really wanting to watch even smaller shows unironically or playing with baby toys and the like. So I avoided getting too deep into it. Still, little things were a very strong and reliable source of comfort for me for most of my life.

That's why I was so ecstatic to find out about cgl a couple years ago. I was already learning about bdsm and d/s dynamics in general, and was already calling my bf Daddy in bed bc it felt good, so connecting all these dots in my life really helped make me feel whole. It made me feel like I wasn't a freak. That I belonged somewhere, and that there were people just like me, who just need a little extra help bc of the cards life had dealt them being so shitty.

Anyway, one of the things I struggle with a lot more now than in the past (or maybe I'm just more aware of it) is sensory overload. I mostly get it from light/sound, but I get it from things around or in front of me moving too quickly as well. Especially if I'm forcing myself to keep up. I sometimes can get to where I can move on that level, but then I can't shut it off when I step away from the fast moving whatever and my anxiety is fucked for a while. Sometimes a long while.

When I got into sex work back in August, I was enjoying it a lot, but Daddy got uncomfortable so I took a break for a bit. He got more comfy with it after I explained some of the aspects in more detail and promised not to overwhelm myself by offering services I wasn't fully confident in doing. This helped me enjoy it a bit more when I got back into it in December. The bad thing tho, is that this is when the nipple purge happened on tumblr, so I was forced to move to Twitter. I deleted my old blog soon after for many reasons, one of the biggest being all the stolen porn I had on there from when I didn't understand the severity of sharing it. :/ So having only my sex work and littlespace Twitter really started eating at me when I realized that it moves so incredibly fast compared to other sites (esp tumblr) and the fact that on Twitter, you are just you. You are not hidden behind a page of pretty aesthetics unless you really work at it. It's catered much more to people who love to blab all day long about whatever they want to talk about. This made me feel pretty vulnerable, and I wound up deleting my ls Twitter bc I disliked it and (some of) the people on it so much.

I was already struggling a lot with a rough seasonal depression on top of my normal disorders, and Twitter littles were really alienating me from littlespace bc of how personal each of them took the different ways people would be little. It was very discouraging, to say the least.

Now that I've stepped away from sw and Twitter for a bit, and plan to stay away for a while, I've found myself falling in love with littlespace things again. Seeing all the cute things here on tumblr, especially seeing how littlespace can help so many of you with your personal issues, has really made me feel closer to home with being little. I'm drawing and coloring more, I'm talking little more, but most importantly, I'm feeling little again. I was so scared I was losing that side of me due to that depression. But more than anything, I think I was investing myself in the wrong type of community. I can't stand the toxic hostility of Twitter. Everything is a witch hunt there. While we do have strong antis here on tumblr, we have what I believe to be an incredibly strong support system as well. I love my fellow littles who show respect, follow rules, and work to educate others, even just thru reblogs. You guys really make me feel like I belong. And when I see y'all talking about handling your stress better thru being little, it makes my heart so very happy and filled with hope. I'm so proud of you all. But I'm also so proud of me, for stepping away from something I thought I needed, and coming back to where I feel needed and appreciated.

So thank you, little friends. Your cute pictures and drawings and colorings and stories and ask games and littlespace ideas are such a huge source of inspiration for me! And I hope my content can be inspiring for you as well.

Let's all love being little together, forever. :) 💖

[moooniverse]

STRIPPED

Character: Hoseok x Y/N

genre: Fluff / Smut / Light Angst

word count: 17K+

Synopsis: Gorgeous, wealthy, smart, popular. The campus goddess. People would turn their heads as soon as you enter, dropping mouths and leaving them open. You had friends known as your equals given that they share the same qualities that you do.  Everyone wanted to have the life you had. Everyone except you.

Author’s Note: Hello guys this is my first fic. I was inspired to do one for hobi and at the same time I wanted to gift my friend a birthday fic.🥺Hope you guys enjoy and please be good to my first babyyy.

luv u all! ❤

“She’s here.”

“oh my gosh is she even real?”

“She’s so pretty.”

“No girl, pretty doesn’t even describe her.”

“I agree. She’s a goddess”

“Move your asses so she can come through”

“Oh my god!! She smiled at me!”

You hear their loud whispering as you pass through the hallway going to your class sometimes giving smiling at those you know and completely ignoring others whilst drinking the sight of your beauty, not even caring that they weren’t acknowledged. You were running late, and it was such an advantage that everyone paved a way just so that you could pass through without any hurdle. As you walked along with your friends behind, you’re suddenly being halted by someone standing in front of you. “H-hi Y-y/n.” You hear your friends whisper at the back. So this was the girl they’ve been talking about to have been secretly watching you. You say nothing and wait for her to continue. “I-I don’t know how t-to say th-is b-but I-I...r-r-rreally a-admire y-you…” Oh my gosh. This girl’s gonna take up your time finishing one sentence. You thought. The whole university is indeed in your favor, but not the professor in the class you’re trying to get on time with. You tilt your head slightly to your friends currently making fun of the girl’s stuttering before giving her that coated smile you usually do, slightly bending down to her height, leveling your mouth near her ear so only her and your friends could hear what you are about to say.

“Shut the hell up.” And immediately she did. “oohh. Shh. Don’t look at me that way. You were the one annoying me first with that stuttering mouth of yours.” She looked like she was about to cry but you didn’t give a damn. You let her. Anyway, people would think you just said something that touched her heart. You raise yourself up and gave her that soft smile you mastered to put on before finally brushing pass her giving a few more nods and walking away with a straight face like nothing happened.

This was your life. This was the life you have accustomed to be in. A life full of pretention, each day wearing a mask that would cover your hollow self. Ever since you were a kid, your parents would force you to be a perfect daughter, become ten times more mature than your age, swallow books, hold remarkable etiquette. You were every parent’s dream child then, until now. When you were in highschool, every student wanted to be your friend. Every boy wanted you to be their trophy girlfriend, because you were everything everyone ever wanted. You had always remained to be top in everything. You always had a calm demeanor like you had been taught to have. Most importantly, you had taught yourself to be nice. Growing up in that kind of world never gave you the opportunity to be yourself, never had transparency as an option. It was a kind of world where masks were worn to have your desired achieved. You had to be nice, to manipulate. This is where you learned that weak people existed. These were people you often take out your frustrations on. These are people you don’t feel pity for, people you watch as your friends make their lives miserable.

Stepping in college was as easy. Just as always, you were still on top. Especially now that you have bloomed into a fine young lady. Your looks aided you to be on your throne and your friends had stuck themselves with you proving their loyalty. What else can bring you down?

 Thankfully, you make it on time but people have already occupied most of the space in the front and middle row so you resort to sitting in the back back portion of the room.

As the lecture started you whim yourself to concentrate and listen until you notice a pen drop on the floor rolling towards your side in the isle. You ignore it at first until you hear someone whisper from your left. “E-excuse me. Would you mind passing the pen towards this side?” Yes I do mind. You thought. You wanted to ignore and snob at the person but as role model student, you had to be someone who would do the opposite. So you did. You picked up the pen and turned to him with a smile. “Here.” You hand in the pen which he gratefully received. “O-oh. Thank you” He gave you the brightest smile which almost caused your eyes to scrunch, but you immediately control your expression.

Now that he was back to focus on lecture, you take your time to watch him whilst he was trying to scribble down notes. You figure he was new to the university. Exchange, or maybe transferred. Coconut head, thick and large circular glasses, overly hunched his back showing the lack of confidence. You rolled your eyes at the site turning to your friends now, who are obviously making fun of the newcomer.

You shake your head ignoring them. They might have found a prey but right now you didn’t care much. For some reason you just did not want to deal with him. It was true that he seemed like an annoyingly easy target but you just didn’t feel as much urge to make him one as much as your friends did. You just felt... passive about it. Maybe you just had too much fun earlier this morning? Or maybe you just really didn’t care. Lucky him then. You shrug at the thought as went back to focus on the ongoing lecture.

Class was finally over, and you were about to leave when Ms. Lee suddenly called you out. “Ms. Y/N, a moment please.” You signaled your friends to go first before nearing Ms. Lee with your charming smile but deep inside however, you wanted to get through this fast. “Yes Ms. Lee, is there anything you needed?” She gave you that unreadable grin like she always does before signaling someone to come.

“This is Jung Hoseok. One of our new student.” You turned to this student’s direction, internally debating with yourself on what to do. He fidgets a little before finally giving a bow, pushed his glasses up before greeting you with his bright smile. “Hello. We were sitting together earlier.” What the hell. You immediately turned to Ms. Lee without giving him any response. “What did you say you needed again Ms. Lee?” You asked.

“Well, since he came in late this school year, I wanted you to assist him in the things he has been missing on.” You Internally groaned. The universe was totally against your desire to stay him out of your site.

“N-Not that I am complaining Ms. Lee, but there must be someone else out there fit for the job maybe?”  You smiled sweetly at her, but she just snorted. “No, there isn’t. We all know you are a top student here Y/N-ssi. First in rank for that matter. No one else would fit to assisting him except you.” She said folding arms “But, well if you are too busy maybe we could just have an—”

“I’ll do it Ms. Lee.” You stopped her, annoyed. This woman knew exactly where to push your buttons and it made it a lot worse was the triumphant grin she gave off as if expecting what you exactly did but you weren’t gonna let her see that. “Well then, meeting adjourned.” She smiled picking up her stuff before leaving me and the guy.

“U-uhh…” You hear him mutter behind you, so you turn top him smiling.

“What?”

“w-w-what..”

“look. Let’s make this clear. To be frank I really don’t want to deal with this shit”

“why?”

“I don’t want to deal with people like you.”

He was silent and for some reason it irked you that his expression was unreadable.

“what?” You ask brow raising.

“wha- I -I don’t know..I-I guess there’s nothing we can do about it?”

“Yes there is.” You say getting more annoyed. Especially when it feels like he isn’t fazed by you despite looking like it. “Go to Ms. Lee and tell her you don’t need help.”

“N-no can do.”

“Excuse me?”

“W-we can’t. Because I-I really don’t know...” You can’t believe this guy is giving you a hard time, of all people who can.

“Look. You know what, fuck this. Do what you want. I don’t care.” Then you turn around to leave.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

After lunch you decided to go to the library to have your peace and quiet. You couldn’t catch with your friends during lunch and they were nowhere to be found right now. As you walk your way to the halls you suddenly jolt by the sudden intrusion “Boo!” You turn around to see Mia, one of your friends.

“Mia. Hey. Where are the others?”

“Hmm. Just got a text from Hyunwoo. They said to meet them in the library.” She said linking your arms together.  “Library? Why are they in the library?” She smirks at the question. “They must have found something fun to do over there.”

For some reason you had a bad feeling about it. Your friends never went to the library. You know they don’t because you always go there. It’s not a place they would go to even for chilling. When you both enter the library, you find a group of people in the corner at the back and you immediately spot them. Behind was someone sitting down looking at his feet like he was about to cry. As you neared them you start to recognize him.

“Yah. New student. Are you deaf?” You hear Hyunwoo taunt. You suddenly feel annoyed by Hyunwoo. You didn’t know why so you chose to ignore it. “What’s going on here?” You ask them as Mia skipped towards their direction.

“Ah. You’re here. Well we were just trying to befriend this little pup over here.” Everyone snorted with the term ‘Little pup’ used except you. It was obvious they weren’t just here to ‘make friends’. You see him do nothing but look down as if he was born for it. You’ve seen Hyunwoo and the rest of the group try to bully those who you call the weaklings. By now you exactly know that they wouldn’t stop until they get what they want. It shouldn’t be bothering you. You could do nothing and walk away. However, this time for some reason you feel quite irritated by them. Maybe because when you decided you didn’t want this person anywhere near you, it would include this kind of situation. And right now your friends aren’t really helping you get your peace.

“Hey. New pup. Ya hear me talking?” when he doesn’t receive an answer, he kicks his chair slightly causing it to jolt to the side a little. It was clear that the guy was already getting on their nerves. When he still doesn’t get any response, he grabs the guy’s collar.

“Hyunwoo. Stop it” You try to say however they must not have heard because he didn’t let go of they guy. So you repeated saying it a little it louder. Everyone looks at you, Including the new guy, surprised by your sudden interruption. “You can’t. Not him.”

“what? Why?” Everybody seemed to be confused now. This was the first time you had interrupted your friends doing their business. “because..” you clear your throat. “Ms. Lee left him under my care. This was the reason I was called out earlier. So no. You can’t meddle with him just yet.” You sounded as calm like you always do. He turned to the guy and released him. “Thank the heavens for now.” He said before leaving with everybody.

Once you were left alone, you realize he was looking at you the whole time. “Don’t look at me like that. And don’t you dare thank me.” You warn. That was the last thing you want to hear from him.

“Why did you—”

“because I do not want to put myself on a bad light. Not in that professor’s watch.”

“o-oh..still—”

“I said don’t thank me.” You roll your eyes before turning around to leave him for the second time that day.

 For the next few days, you hoped it would be more peaceful. This however, is impossible with Ms. Lee being overly attentive to the new kid. Before she started the class, she decided that the both of you will sit somewhere in the front. You thought that was the most she could do to make your life a hassle.

“Okay class, for this midterms I won’t give you any written exam.” Everyone cheered for a moment until she announces the next part. “You will however be doing a character analysis report depending on your chosen novel.” You can hear everyone groan. You internally sighed now you wish you just had a written exam. “Don’t worry everyone. This will be partnered. You are all free to choose your partner…” You were about to signal one of your friends at the back, but Ms. Lee was quick to stop you. “Except you Ms. Choi”

“May I ask why Ms. Lee?” You pretty much had a hunch on what was going to happen. You just can’t believe she was going to be so upfront about it.

“You’re going to be paired with Mr. Hoseok here.”

“but I thought we could choose our partners.”

“well, it wouldn’t hurt if you partnered with him, right? You must have formed some kind rapport since you have been helping him with catching up, unless you weren’t doing as asked?” She turns to Hoseok. “Hoseok-ssi?”

“u-uhm.” You send signal a warning to him not to spill shit. This guy better be good. “She’s actually a good mentor. I learn a lot from her.” You relax a little at the statement. “I would really like it if she became my partner. I’m not so comfortable with anyone else Ms. Lee.” You glared at him and he returned it with his usual naïve and innocent look. This guy must have a death wish.

“Alright. This is settled then.” She smiled triumphantly. What’s worse was she didn’t even hear you out. She continued to give out instructions to class like nothing happened.

You sigh exasperatingly as you turn around to look at him. “What now?”

“W-well, I guess let’s just work together?”

“Why the hell would you think I’ll work with you?”

“Because our m-midterm grade…” You can’t help but think he’s right. It was your grades at risk and no, you won’t risk anything to drop it. “I-I’m s-sorry.” You look at him baffled by what you felt just now. was that guilt?

“Fine. What time is your next class?” I ask him.

“I- I end at 1pm A-although my p-part time job starts at 5.”

“Great. Meet me in the library 3PM sharp.” You stood up and smiled sweetly at him before bowing making sure everyone can see and talk about how nice and polite you were before leaving the room.

 XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

 As you walk down to the far corner of the library, you see him stacked with all the books you almost didn’t recognize him. You checked the time and it was five minutes to three. You guessed he must have been here for a while guessing the stack of books he got.

“What are you doing?” He jerked from his position hitting his knee on the table in the process as he looked up at you clearly surprised by your sudden entrance. You try not to laugh. Why would you laugh anyway?

“H-hi. I was just studying on some stuff y-you know. Since I’m still catching up. Let me just…” He immediately fixes his things so you could sit with him. But this wasn’t the place you wanted to do your work at. “Not here. Follow me.” You turn around to walk to your destination not caring if he was following you or not. You notice some ruffling before he followed suit.

You go further from the corner at the back of the bookshelves, and then you make a quick right turn to reach another small corner. He sees you go through the corner and was surprised to see that there’s a small opening behind the bookshelves. “This is where we’ll work.” He looks around in awe. “Wow.” You look at him as he tries to go over every shelf. Looking at the books. “These books are old.” He says

“They are. That’s why no one comes here. So are you gonna keep wandering over there or start and get and get this over with?”

“Ah.. yes. Okay,” He immediately took the seat adjacent to yours.

You both decided to have Pride and Prejudice as your focus since both of you had read it and immediately started to get to work. You were surprised how focused he was, as if he isn’t really fazed by your presence. It was an hour after diligently working that you decided to look up from your laptop.

You see him still focused on scribbling notes while scanning through the book and searching some stuff through hi phone as well. He doesn’t even notice you looking at him as he was very focused on the task as much as you were. It astonishes you that you both were able to work without hurdle.

You were expecting him to be more talkative or complementing because you were accustomed to that. Anyone who had the chance to spend time with you would grab the opportunity to converse as much as possible. You remember all those times when you force yourself to smile or laugh at their lame jokes sometimes even listen to their problems which you don’t give a shit about. However, this was quite new. He would ask you questions about the task few times or exchange ideas from time to time but that was pretty much it. He never indulged himself too much. You hate to admit to the calm effect it had given you.

“D-did you need something y/n-ssi?” You didn’t even notice him look up at you as you were too deep in your thoughts.

“Nothing.” You clear your throat. “Aren’t you gonna be late for work?”

He hums looking at his watch. “I still have an hour.”

“Okay.”

It was silent for a while until a question came up in your mind. “Why did you lie to Ms. Lee?”

“Lie? Did I lie to Miss Lee?” He asked as if he wasn’t aware.

“Why did you tell her I was helping you? You could’ve easily thrown me off and expose me. Why didn’t you do it?”

“Well you’re helping me now.”

“You know what I mean Hoseok-ssi.” He paused for a while and sighed before looking at you.

“Well I guess because you saved me from your friends?”

“It wasn’t for you.” You remind him. “I said not to thank me—”

“Y/N-ssi”. He sighs again looking up at you. It was a look you could never expect him to give. It was sharp, direct with a hint of annoyance. As if you were being put in your place. “You think everyone would believe me if I told you off? In this kind of environment?” He was right. No one would believe him.

“W-well, good thing you know.” He gives you a small smile before looking down again at his paperwork. There it was again. That twist in your gut. Was it really guilt you’re feeling? Why would you even feel that when you were so used to these kinds of situations?

As usual, you try to ignore the feeling and went back to work. This time you were too engrossed by it that you didn’t notice another 45 minutes had passed since your conversation. When you look up the window the sun was already beginning to set. “You should go. You’ll be late for work.”

“hmm. Yeah. I think I should.” He slowly gathers his stuff into his bag. “Thank you for today.” He says before giving him a bow.

“Yeah. Tomorrow same time and place.” You say as you gather up your stuff as well.

“Okay. bye y/n-ssi.”

“Wait.” You stop him. “When you come here… make sure no one can see you.”

“No one knows you come to this place?” he asks

“No.”

“Not even your friends?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh. Okay.” With that he smiles before turning to leave.

You sigh before you proceed to clean up thankful that the day was finally over. You wonder how long it would take until you’ll be free from this situation.

 The next few days were more or less the same. He would come by on time and both of you would immediately start without much ado. Your conversations are only about the novel and sometimes you

would exchange opinions on a particular character in the book. Because of this, you had finished you scheduled task for the day quite early. “Y-y/n-ssi.” He calls you. “uhm, would it be okay if I use this room for a while? I-I have to do some more assignments and I-I think it would save a lot more time if I stay here then go home.” You contemplate for a while. The place was your private sanctuary. You felt quite territorial but somehow you knew that guilty feeling would again rise if you say no.

“Sure.”

“Thank you.” He smiles before reaching out to some more books and continued to do his work. For some reason you didn’t feel like going anywhere either. You decide to stay for a while and fiddle with your phone scan through your Instagram and twitter likes until you got bored.

That’s when you decided to pay a glance to the person sitting in front of you. He was jolting down some notes to his notebook and would sometimes pause at some point, maybe trying to digest what he just learned. You see him scratch his head from time to time if he gets confused and then he would adjust his glasses for falling off. Looking at him closely you see how soft his features are though it’s not overpowering the manly features he has. Obviously, he wasn’t as stunning as the boys you have been dating or hanging out with but there was something in him which makes you curious each second you look at him and you knew it wasn’t that of a big deal because as if you would be into a guy like him…right?

“y/n-ssi…” He suddenly calls out startling you.

“h-huh?”

“I know you’re really good in English… can you help me with something?” You finally gather yourself up to answer him. “What is it?” He smiles excitedly as he moves closer to his direction. “Here.” As he started talking, you were suddenly unable to move from your position, unable to think so unfortunately you couldn’t catch what he was really asking you.

You didn’t know why you felt that in the first place. Your eyes moved to where he was. You could see how close you both were. You could smell the faint perfume he used probably earlier that morning. Now you could also see how clear and smooth his skin looked and his hair was so soft you just want to tou—

“y/n -ssi?” He calls you for the second time. “Is something wrong?”

“N-no nothing. Why?”

“Oh..Nothing. You seemed like uhhmm. I don’t know. Spaced out?”

“Nothing’s wrong. So, what were you asking about?” You say flatly as if you didn’t even have any of those thoughts from earlier. You didn’t know why those things came to your mind, and you didn’t know why you felt that way when it was just him. It was something new to you and so you decide to ignore it.

“U-uh. Okay.” This time you kept yourself uninterrupted by your thoughts.

 XxXxXxX

The moment you stepped into the mansion, a group of maids immediately surrounded you to tend for your needs as usual. As you grew older, you also begin to question the need of so many servants. It wasn’t like you were physically disabled to be unable to do anything for yourself. Even they can do things on their own. You couldn’t understand, yet you couldn’t voice it out either even if you wanted to. Because that’s how a fine young lady should be. Your mother’s voice echoed in your thoughts.

“Y/N dear. You’re home.” Speaking of which.

“Mother.” You say giving a small bow. Something you were always forced to do. As if meeting your parents was like meeting some client. What’s worse was that she was quite proud of the formality. Proud of the fact that her own daughter was distant. You felt sick, but you had to suck it up. “Would you mind having dinner with me? There are some things I would like to discuss with you.” Suddenly you didn’t have the appetite to eat anymore. But it wasn’t like you had a choice either. “Yes mother.” You say.

The moment you sat in the dining table she wasted no time. “So, your father and I will be visiting the university.” You suddenly halt what you were doing. You hated it when they pay a visit as it would mean you will have to put extra effort in being the perfect daughter, the perfect student. There was never a time you failed doing so. You don’t think you ever would as you have already perfected being perfect in people’s eyes. You just felt drained and tired for some reason. All you wanted was approval from your parents, but not once in your whole existence did you feel or hear it.

“Yes, Mother. This is duly noted.” She hums. “Will I be expecting a lot from you?” She tells you with that tone you’re too familiar with. A question you should have no other answer for. “Yes Mother.” You answer her like you always do.

 True to her words, your parents were seen the next day walking through the campus grounds, guards surrounding, professors greeting them with big smiles plastered on their faces. Your mother just casually nods from time to time. A kind look on her soft features deceiving everyone around her just like your father does, but you knew well enough, because you were trained by the best.

You were walking alongside her going to the boardroom when you suddenly felt a strong hand pull your hair towards the side and then suddenly you were thrown off the ground. “You bitch.” You hear someone scream. When you look up you see every eyes on you, some were holding up their phones taking a video of the scene. “You bitch!” She screams again and advances herself ready to throw a slap but then the body guards reacted instantly stopping her from doing so.

Now that she was held down, you finally look at her face and instantly you knew who she was. She was that girl you met at the hallways a few weeks back. You were unmoving by the situation. You didn’t know she would get back at you like this. Most especially in front of your parents. You look around and see that your friends were standing at the side, doing nothing either. You thought maybe they couldn’t get near you, maybe they just didn’t want the situation to get worse.

You felt a pair of hands help you up, caressing your face and then you see your mother’s face in front of your trying neaten your hair. Oh how you wish this was all true. “Are you okay?” Your mother asks you with a very worried look on her face. “Yes mother.” And then she palms your cheeks with her hands on both sides and looks into your eyes. “Meet me after the meeting.” You felt chills run down your spine. Unlike how the others see it, you knew what your mother meant, and you couldn’t back away from it.

 You were slightly thrown to the side, your left cheek red and stinging in pain.

You mother has just slapped you. Right after the board meeting, she had brought you to some place she was sure no one could see and without further ado, accused you of being a disappointment. “When will you learn?! You are a disgrace!” You say nothing because you knew this conversation will always be one sided, like all your conversations with her do. You stay as calm as always, only touching your cheek which only made it stung more. “Embarrass us again and you will see…” She threatened before walking away.

That day they went home without you. It’s not like you could either. You probably won’t go home until her flight that night. So you went to your safe haven, that corner in the library. You sat down on the couch watching out the window and see the sun beginning to set. You close your eyes as you feel the last few moments of rays touch you before the shadows begin to rise. Then suddenly, you hear footsteps from behind. You turn to see Hoseok standing behind the couch you were seated.

“What are you doing here?” You turn around as you didn’t want anyone to see your bruised face.

“Nothing.”

“We’re not scheduled to do anything for literature today Hoseok.”

“I know.” He said calmly. “I saw what your mother did to you.” He told you honestly. You didn’t say anything as you didn’t know what to do with the confession. “I- I was just passing by and then suddenly I heard someone shout from one of the rooms.”

“You don’t have to explain.”

“I’m sorry—”

“Don’t be sorry either. I hate that” You tell him annoyed. You hear him sigh before you felt so the other side of the couch dip down. “What?” You glare at him. He says nothing and only looks across the window. You do the same, still slightly annoyed by the fact that someone had just invaded your space but as time went by, you felt a little calmer.

You suddenly thought what if you didn’t really want to be alone? What if you were really just waiting to come and comfort you. Maybe your friends could but when you look at your phone, there wasn’t even at least one message from either of them asking if you were okay or not, or where you were. The fact downed you slightly.

“y/n-ssi.” He suddenly calls you after the long silence.

“what?”

“What’s your hobby?” You look at him confused by the question. “A hobby.” You repeat. Why would anyone ask you for your hobby at this certain point? “Yeah hobby. Like what you do during free time—”

“I know what a hobby is Jung Hoseok.” You tell him pointedly. “Why the hell are you asking?” He just shrugs and smiles. Something tingles inside you and you suddenly hear a bell ringing. What the hell? You sigh. “Don’t you dare laugh or else…”

“hm? Why would I laugh?” You roll your eyes at the question. “Dancing.” You finally admit. “Oh? Really?” He’s suddenly excited which baffled you. Then he excitedly stood up and went near you. “Well it’s a good thing we have the same type of hobby.”

“What? You dance?” You felt like it was somewhat impossible as it seemed like he wasn’t the type. He just smiles at the question “Come with me? I have something good to show you.”

You knew one side of you didn’t want to go, because he was supposed to be that friendless nerd you shouldn’t be bothering to spend your time with. But for some reason you chose to go because you knew somehow you needed a release somewhere.

 After a few minutes walking outside the campus, you see yourself standing in front of a small building. You look at Hoseok scrutinizing him. You didn’t know why he brought you here after saying you wanted to dance. “Come” He says before walking inside. You reluctantly follow his steps until you reached the second floor of the building. It creeped you out a little as it was too quiet and dark for your liking however it changed as soon as he opens the lights. It was a studio. A dance studio. Complete with all the speakers and mirrors surrounding the walls.

“wow.” You say. He laughs. “Yeah.” He admits. “Ah- But before anything, I guess this is the part where I blackmail you.”

“What? Why?” He laughs. “Well, you told me not to tell anyone about the library. Well, I kind of keep this place a secret too.” He says a little bit shy.

“Fine.” You answer him rolling your eyes before walking around the studio. “So you really dance?” You ask.

“Do you want me to show you first? And then you can say whether I dance or not.”

“uhh.. yeah? Sure.” He smiles gently as he takes his jacket off and places it at the side before ruffling his hair to smoothen the surface. You felt a tight twist in your stomach seeing the movement. You were suddenly excited, and you didn’t know what to do with the feeling. He scanned through music from his phone before settling on one.

Listen/ Watch: O.T Genasis- Coco

He tried to feel the music playing, before shuffling his hair more and taking off his glasses, something you did not expect. As he started dancing every once of focus you had was directed towards him like a magnet. The way how his body moved with the music, how his pumps were on point with the beat, how fluid his moves were as he grooved.

Your eyes watch him intently as he does magic with his dance. Each sharp kick and twist he does was on point. It was only a few seconds of showcase, but it felt like eternity watching him. You were totally stunned, because you couldn’t believe this guy in front of you was the same geek you see at school. It was like a totally different persona of him only you got to see.

He finally ends it with an effortless swag pose and a smirk. You were too mesmerized that you only realized he was finally done when he approached you. “How was it?” He smiles brightly. That smile which somehow puts you in a place you where you shouldn’t be. You clear your throat trying to look unbothered. “G-good.” He laughs again, and you swear it was like a contagious virus as you find yourself smiling too. “Well, did I pass Ms. Choi?” You only snort at his teasing. “Yeah fine. You win.” You roll your eyes playfully. “Yey.” He cheers. “So, let me see you dance too.”

“What? No way.” You tell him. You weren’t going to embarrass yourself. Sure you did a lot of practice way back but no one had ever seen you dance. Only you with yourself in front of the mirror.

“Come on. It’s not fair that I am the only one who gets to show.” You sigh as he had fairly made a point. This guy might have only ever danced in front of you too. So you end up scanning through your phone and deciding a routine that has already been choreographed by famous dance studios online.

 Listen: Charlie Puth- How Long (Remix)

You start by feeling the beat first before proceeding to the next thing which was to pump in and out to the beat, making sure to look at him while you do it. Then you begin to make sharp quick moves you’re your feet before going smooth and soft with your body wave. You made sure your hands were in the right places as you moved it along with your body. A few moments later into the dance, he joins you. He probably knows the choreography too.

You felt every negativity dissipate the moment both of you got your rhythm. You’ve never felt this light…and happy… You felt as if you were being pulled up by something you were drowning in. For the first time in a long time, you laughed and smiled not for the reason that you had to, because for the first time in your life, you were not forced to do something you didn’t want to.

As the music progressed, you notice how you both meet each other’s style and came to a point where you finally synced. You looked at him through the mirror and smiled before the music finally stops. You both drop to the floor panting. “That was really…” You didn’t know what to word to put. Good? Fun? Amazing? So you resort to the next thing you wanted to say. “Thank you.” He looks at you slightly surprised but soon he smiles. He lies down on the floor as he stretches himself out before putting hands behind his head.

“I’m glad it helped.”

“Yeah… it actually did.” You smile. Both of you settled in a comfortable silence.

By the time both of you decided to go home, it was already night time. He offered to walk you back to the campus as your ride must be waiting already. Before you walk off he stops you. “Uhm hey.” You turn to him smiling. “Yeah?”

“I hope it made you better… somehow.” Before answering you take a step closer, studying him, they way he looks at you. A little bit shy, but with a hint of sincerity and determination in his eyes. “It did.” You admit. “Would you bring me there next time then?” He smiles brightly again and you can’t believe you just thought about how you want to see that more often this time.

 After that day, things changed quite a bit for both of you. You realize that being with him felt more fun, light. It felt natural. Like you don’t really have to pretend to be nice, or quiet. There were sides you never knew you had that he brought out in you. On some days, you end up playing, laughing about each other’s jokes. Other times you would help him with other subjects because it’s not only in Literature where he had to catch up. Then there will also be times where you just sit together on the couch, talking about anything. May it be school, or each other’s lives, but somehow you came to that point where you admit that you liked every part of it. It became your favorite part of the day.

So when he asks you all of a sudden about your worries, you couldn’t help but tell him the truth.

“I’m worried that I’ll fuck everything up. I’m worried that one day this will all blow up.” You thought of your mother. How she ever made it to that point.

“Why do you do it then?”

“I need to Hoseok. And to be honest I really don’t know who I really am already. You know, that empty feeling? I just—I don’t know what to do, because I’m scared that I might be actually better like this than something I have yet to discover.” You really do. It might be too late for you to find out who you really are, and what you wanted to do.

You feel him scoot closer to you on the couch you were sitting and when you turn to look at him your heart flutters and you suddenly feel hot on your cheeks, because he was staring at you softly as he looks into your eyes.

“Well, you’re really doing well right now if you ask me.” You pause for a few seconds before smiling back because you realize what his words meant, and his words couldn’t be truer.

However though, you also know how your fears are still pulling you down.

 “Your father and I will be visiting again.” You mother starts. She didn’t even ask how your day went, but what were you expecting right? “Yes, mother.” You answer.

“I’ve already spoken to the school. The issue has been dealt accordingly. Make sure you don’t make a lot of mess next time.” She warns. “Yes, mother.” She says nothing and walks out, food untouched. You finally breathed, sighing. You had no appetite anymore either.

By the time you got in your room, a message pops out from your phone.

 From Hoseok:

(wave) (wave)

To Hoseok:

(rolling eyes emoji)

From Hoseok:

Mean.

To Hoseok:

Aren’t I always? Lol

From Hoseok:

Oh yes you are ms. Grumpy pants.

….

Kidding. 😊

 You can’t help but smile. You don’t know if it’s because everything he says makes you feel lighter, or because he’s the only person who shows up all the time, especially when you feel lonely. It may be both, you don’t know. What you’re sure of though, is that growing feeling in you. For so many times, you’ve convinced yourself that it was just for the reason that you are more comfortable with him than with anyone else, but as time went by you slowly realize that the fondness is not just because of the company he gives.

  To Hoseok:

….

….

What are you doing right now?

From Hoseok:

…..

I’m outside. Getting fresh air. You?

To Hoseok:

….

….

….

At home.

From Hoseok:

I bought ramen… and banana milk.

…

…

…

I think I bought too much…

 You hear your stomach growl. You suddenly crave for ramen. And banana milk. What a coincidence right?

From Hoseok:

Eat with me? :D

….My treat.

To Hoseok:

(Rolling eyes Emoji)

…..

If you insist. I’m bored anyway.

 From Hoseok:

Yey. :D

 You manage to sneak out of your house and meet with him at the convenient store. When you arrive, you immediately see him through the glass window. He was blowing out the steam coming from the ramen and tried to eat it, but the noodle was still too hot that he withdrew the chopsticks from his mouth the moment he brought it in.

He followed by taking a sip from the banana milk. You notice he was trying to look outside and check if you were there. When he doesn’t see you, he opens the untouched ramen on the other side and blew it as hard as he could and mixing it as well. You figured it would be for you and somehow that small deed just touched you in ways no one else ever did. You feel your heart flutter once again. You didn’t waste anymore time to show up as much as you still wanted to see how adorable he was. He smiled once you got in and immediately offered the seat beside him.

“Sorry. It took a while to get out.” You lied.

“Nah. It’s fine. Come eat. It’s still a little bit hot though.” You sit with him and slowly ate the ramen quietly. You just realized you were quite hungry as you got so fixed with eating ramen you didn’t notice Hoseok looking at you the whole time until you finished half of it and paused to get air.

“what?”

“hmm. Nothing. Just thought you must be really hungry.” You look at your food and saw how many you took it one go, before embarrassment took over. “Hey. It’s fine.” He says smiling when he noticed it.

“Y-yeah. Sorry.” You continue eating slowly this time. Sometimes sipping from your drink.

When you both were done with food, he got up to buy ice cream. Something you’ve been craving for a while. You decided to walk along the nearest park while you eat your dessert. He noticed that you were quiet for a while now. “y/n. is everything alright?” You look at him with wide eyes. “Uh yeah. I’m fine.” He looks at you still not convinced. “I’m sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have bothered you.” Then you suddenly felt a pang of guilt. it was definitely not because of him. In fact he was the reason why you were feeling a lot better. You wanted to say it all to him but for some reason, you just can’t. He looks at you still smiling but his eyes had this look of guilt. “We can head back after if you like, I’ll take you ho—”

“No. Please don’t.” You cut him off before he could finish. “I don’t want to go home.” He looks at you confused at first then replaced with worry. “y/n. what happened?” He sounded really worried as he steps closer. “Is that the reason why you didn’t eat at home?” You look up to him and you were close enough to see his eyes beyond those thick rims. His eyes glow with nothing but care and sincerity. As you both look at each other, you suddenly feel so full and content. You couldn’t help yourself but smile at this. “Yeah. So don’t you dare think you shouldn’t have let me out of that boring house.” You both fall into a comfortable silence as you walk through the paves of the park. Then you suddenly thought of an idea.

“Hoseok-ah. Can we… dance?” He looks at you. “Hm? Here?”  then he looks around to see if there are other people who could potentially make fun of you. You roll your eyes. “No dummy. I meant… the dance studio.” He gives out a small ‘ohh’ before chuckling and looking at his watch. “I guess it’s free already. Let’s go.”

 By the time you came around, the studio was already dark. Just like the first time you came here, you still can’t get over the chills until he turned on the lights.

Both of you did small stretching before deciding to go on a choreographed routine. You weren’t sure how it would really go since this is the first time you did this choreography with a partner.

 Listen/Watch: Say you won’t let go: James Arthur/ May J Lee &Par Bongyoung

 I wake you up with some breakfast in bed,

I bring you with a kiss on your head

 It starts with both of you walking toward each other before you begin with the fluid small movement with your hands. He touches your shoulder and look at his hands while he does it then he turns you around so smoothly. Then he takes your hand again as you turn your back and swing your leg to the side before you turn yourself back.

 I’ll take the kids to school, wave them goodbye

And I’ll thank my lucky stars for that night.

 By suddenly turning around, he catches you immediately by the waist. You suddenly felt time slow when he looks at you with adoring smile and puts his forehead on yours. Then bends you over securing you waist with his arm, so you won’t fall then lifts you up again.

 Then you smiled over your shoulder

For a minute, I was stone-cold sober

I pulled you closer to my chest

 Then you move towards the side, him to the right, both of you syncing each other’s move and then goes near as you take a few steps back, still with the rhythm and beat taking your hand before doing an open promenade. Then you run to the other side to pose trying to do a cute pose as he points at you with his finger.

You felt the fun as you danced, giving your heart the excitement it has been longing for. You just can’t contain it that you were smiling and laughing as you did those cute poses and he was doing the same, obviously feeling the same thing you do.

 And you asked me to stay over

I said, I already told ya

I think that you should get some rest

 He forms his arm like a basketball ring and then you remember that step where the girl had to go inside the arms by swiftly going under it so that’s what you exactly do. But what you didn’t expect is the fact that he would really carry you just like in the original choreography.

He lifts you up on the waist and you try to put your weight on your hands which was on either side of shoulders so you could balance yourself. You knew what exactly the next step would be and you braced yourself for your now overly fluttering heart.

 I knew I loved you then

But you'd never know

'Cause I played it cool when I was scared of letting go

 You don’t know how he does it but the way he swiftly yet gently drops and catches you made you feel safer and more when he wraps his arms around you securely as you do the same and wrap your legs around his waist. You feel his breath on your neck as he turns you around a few times.

 I know I needed you

But I never showed

But I wanna stay with you until we're grey and old

Just say you won't let go

Just say you won't let go

 Then he drops you down slowly and then you look at him with pure joy in your eyes. You were amazed by the fact that both of you have danced in sync the first time you danced the routine. The song continues as you both stop. You lift your head again to look at him and see that he was suddenly so solemn. You notice how his hands were still in you arms when he slides them down to your hands, stopping to softly hold you. By now you don’t notice anything anymore, not your surroundings, or the music playing. Just the sound of your heartbeat and your eyes on each other.

You try not to, but you can’t help traveling you eyes back and forth from his eyes down to his lips and back again. He closes his eyes as he meets his forehead with yours just like in the dance earlier. Then you slowly close your eyes aware that you were now both so close that it took only one push for your lips to meet. He moves closer until you can already feel his breathing. You bite your lips, doubting that he may not be thinking the same thing you are thinking right now, because all you want is to be kissed.

As if reading your mind, he dives in to catch your lips with his. It was slow and innocent, until you decided to make a bold move and move your lips along with his in the exact the same rhythm. You feel that he does the same, making the kiss progress into something more passionate. You felt how perfectly you both fit, like a puzzle. He moves his hands from yours up to your neck tilting it slightly to give yourselves more access, and you wrapping your hands around his waist for closer proximity.

You feel the heat emit but you don’t know which it belongs to. Not like you care at this time anyway. You continue kissing until you both decided to catch some air. You could feel his hands move down and you suddenly long for the touch.

 “U-uhm….” He starts, gently scratching the back of his head. You suddenly felt awkward.

“I-I think we should go…” you say.

“Y-yeah. I think we should.”

When you got home, all you could ever think about was the kiss. How good his lips felt on yours. You touch your lips as you continue to reminisce that moment, eventually giggling and rolling around. Does this mean, he feels the same? Does he like you? Or is he probably just playing around? Wait. What if he just did it to get back at you?? What if—fuck. You stay still lying down as your thoughts continue to give all the what if’s. He was supposed to be that guy you didn’t want anything to do with, and you tried your best just to stay away but the universe just has its ways. Now you know you’re so in deep, but you can’t fully admit it because of damn fears. You wish you were braver enough to face them.

In the middle of you overthinking, a message suddenly pops up.

From Hoseok:

Good night y/n-ah. 😊

You look at his message taking your time to read carefully and slowly. You somehow felt the ease slowly taking over. You press the reply button before drifting off to slumber.

To Hoseok:

See you tomorrow. Goodnight.

­­­­

The next day was like any other day, except the fact that you were showing more affection towards Hoseok, especially when you were both alone in your sanctuary. You were giving extra time in preparing for the midterm presentation due the week after next and unlike you, he was pretty much lax with everything. He was trying to get your attention by putting his chin on your shoulder while hugging you from behind.

“Yah. You are fully aware that this is due soon right? You remind him while giggling from the way his hair tickles your skin. He hums at that “What do we need to prepare for? We were really ahead of schedule.” He hugs your waist tighter and you tilt your head to his, your chin touching the edge of his rims.

You noticed how he changed as days went by, somehow you can no longer hear him stuttering, he could look into your eyes directly without being bashful, and now you can really feel him so lax with the entire exam going on. It confused you but at the same time maybe it was just because he was now comfortable with your presence to a point where he can hug you and cuddle, but you don’t hate any second of it. If it were the first few months you met, you may have barfed hating the idea of it but now you have come to accept those feelings awaking within you. Right now you can’t really point out what exactly you two have but for sure it’s not one sided, guessing from the way he holds you.

“y/n.” He suddenly calls.

“Hm? W-what?”

“You’re spacing out again. What are you thinking about?” He says in a serious tone. You didn’t realize you were in deep thinking again.

“I wasn’t.” You deny. “Okay maybe I’m just a little bit uneasy. You know, about the presentation?” You say thankful you found an excuse.

“You’re gonna do great. Like always.” He smiles and you can see his eyes turn into crescents. You wanted to kiss them so bad but instead, you just ruffle his hair and give his forehead a kiss. “Thank you.”

 Everyone has noticed that you seemed happier these days. People are complimenting on the recent glow you have. You were a lot softer, “Her smile looks more beautiful than it was before!” is what you hear as you pass by. You wonder how your smile can change when you felt like it was the same smile you always put. Well, probably a lot less forced maybe? You try to nod at everyone who greets you even those you hated before, those you ignored. You knew they were baffled by the treatment.

You knew you were still scared of what might happen, you knew you had a long way to go before you finally overcome your demons but you still applaud yourself for at least trying.

No one could overlook the change in you, not even your friends who you haven’t been with for a while. You admit that somehow you are longing for them. They are one of the few people who knew you and accepted you. They were the only ones you really considered as friends, but when you enter the room, you see how they look at you with pure suspicion. You didn’t know why, but you ignored it and went on to sit in the front beside Hoseok.

“Hey.” He whispered smiling at you. You give him a small smile in return.

“Something wrong, y/n?” Sometimes you really don’t know how he can easily tell when something’s not right but you deny it anyway shaking your head. “Just tired I guess.” His eyes gave off that concerning look even if he was still smiling. “We can rest later. Try getting sleep. Maybe that would help.” You just nod in response.

 During your break you immediately try to find where your friends went. You tried sending messages but no one would reply so you just went out to look for them. Finally, you see them clustered in one corner of one of the classrooms. “Hey guys.” They just look at you warily. “Is something wrong?” You say as you go inside the room.

“Hi Y/n.” Hyunwoo starts. He was smirking. Mia and the other girls were looking sad.

“what’s up you guys?” You were starting to get worried.

“Nothing. Just a little birdie told us how you and four eyes are finally getting along.” He said and you were taken aback.

“Will you leave us y/n? Recently we haven’t been together you know.” Mia continues still emitting those sad eyes.

“No—of course not guys.”

“What is exactly with you and Jung Hoseok?” One of the guys ask.

You tried to fight it, but you couldn’t help the thought of losing your friends. You knew exactly what would happen if you told the truth. You couldn’t fathom that people will end up talking about you being friendless. “No, there’s nothing going on. We are just pure partners in literature. Y-you know pretty well how I can’t afford to fail right?” You clench your fist as you spit out the lies.

“Well that’s not what our little birdie told us.” Says Hyunwoo. You were now getting a little bit annoyed by his cockiness. “Well get someone who’s not a birdbrain Hyunwoo. Ask someone who can get facts straight, If it’s not clear to him who I’m using or not.” You try to defend yourself. Mia just sighs in relief. “There. We have our y/n name back.” She runs to you and links her arm around yours. “I thought we lost you y/n.” She says.

“No, You won’t” You give her a small smile ignoring that pang of guilt you feel inside.

  Later that afternoon, you decided to go to the library. You didn’t feel like going anywhere or with anyone. You just wanted to be by yourself, to mentally scold yourself for being shit. But when you came up, you see Hoseok idly sitting on the couch. “Hoseok. Hi.” You greet him, but you receive no response. Instead he looks at you, his eyes fueled. At that point you knew you couldn’t act like nothing happened. Your guilt is eating you up and it doesn’t look like he knows nothing either. Your suspicions were confirmed by his next few words.

“Using me huh.” His mouth twitched into a little smirked because he knew he hit bull’s eye. “really y/n?” He stands up and slowly taking steps towards you.

“I-I can explain.” You try. He sighs at that. “Explain what y/n?” You couldn’t say anything because you knew he was right. There was nothing to explain. What you did was utterly bullshit. He looks down, disappointment clear on his face, with a hint of hurt. And it hit you right away, because you didn’t want to see any of that from him. “I thought you really cared.” I did! I really do! You wanted to shout from the top of your lungs but you can’t, because there was no way of proving it. “Turns out it was just one of those acts you pull to get what you want.” You felt it straight to your heart, hurt by his words.

“H-hoseok, please…” You try to convince him that it was all true, that not once did you try to put out an act in front of him. You didn’t want to lose him. But he wouldn’t listen to any of that.

He couldn’t listen to you after everything he heard. He was just on his way to find you, bringing along a plastic bag of snacks, your favorite banana milk and energy drink when he heard your voice from one of the rooms he just passed by and he listened to the whole conversation you had with your friends. “I was hoping all of this was a bluff, but it seems like it isn’t.” You look down because you really didn’t have a reason except that you were one immature ass that didn’t have a backbone. He sighs for the last time. “Good luck with everything y/n.” He says before brushing past your shoulders leaving you in tears. You just can’t blame him. When you have finally met the person you could be yourself around with, you just had to ruin it all.

 The next few days was even worse than you thought. You didn’t see Hoseok after your confrontation. You tried messaging him a few times but there was no reply. You felt a lot worse each day and even being with your friends cannot fix that.

You miss him so much and you couldn’t get any work done right because of it. You constantly check your phone, shut off all notifications except for his because you didn’t want to expect every ding of your phone to be his message when in fact it was just your friends or an anonymous person sneaking to your dms.

To no avail, no message came from him, not even one. You try to drown yourself with studies, focusing on all lectures, getting ready for the exams, you can’t even take yourself to sleep because you didn’t like the idea of drowning yourself to the thought of him as you close your eyes.

 Friday would be your presentation for literature and you think you would fuck up. Even if you have come prepared, you were still really unfocused. Plus, half of the presentation would be Hoseok’s so if he didn’t show up, everything would be a mess. But you thought maybe you deserved it anyway.

It was really getting late yet Hoseok hasn’t showed up still. You were losing the hope that he would. It was your turn next so you just tried to focus on it instead.

“Alright.” You take a deep breath before starting. Your vision was a little blurry, yet you did everything you could to remain calm. Like you always would. You didn’t want any of this to fuck up.

“Today would b-be about Pride and Prejudice.” You start. You feel your hands shaking and you knew it wasn’t normal. But you continue anyway. “So to give an overview, this novel… um… written by Jane Austen is about a family with five siblings who was raised with a purpose to find rich husbands… and one of them named Elizabeth indeed f-found a p-proud gentleman Mr. Darcy and this in turn starts a blooming relationship between the two…uhm.” You have to be perfect. Everything about you should be. You could hear your mother’s voice inside your head.

You look at the crowd silently listening to you. You were totally out of focus and you could feel your sweat trickling down. All you could think of right now is how to not fuck this up without Hoseok. You needed to be perfect. “So, to start with the characters, we have Elizabeth Bennet…” You try to deliver as much as you could for the first half of characters however you begin to feel dizziness on the second half of the presentation. “Ms. Choi are you alright?” The professor asks. You are a shame! Why can’t you do anything right?! You hear it again. You suddenly felt so small. It’s true that there was never a time you did something right, everything was always wrong.

“Y-yeah. Just give me a minute to—”

You hear the door slide open and saw someone come in. You’re thankful that the person just took the attention away. Because you were totally blanked out, you can’t even remember what you were talking about, and all information stored from your previous studying gone. You could hear someone’s voice talk to you, it was Hoseok’s but you can’t really tell because everything just so blurry, even the sounds seemed incoherent to you.

“…and so that wraps up our presentation.” He says. It was definitely Hoseok, you could now tell. You don’t know what’s happening still, but you felt like you couldn’t take the atmosphere inside. “E-excuse me for a moment.” Then you ran out as fast as you can.

You reach to the library and you felt like you couldn’t breathe. You try to find your way to your haven with everything blurring out, but you still manage to do so. You don’t understand why this was happening. You feel tears run down your cheeks.

You could hear another set of footsteps nearing but you couldn’t care less, you just want yourself cooped up in a place no one can find you.

“y/n!” Whilst finally getting inside the corner, you felt an arm grab you. The voice was too familiar and comforting it just wanted to make your tears fall faster. “y/n…”

“Why? Why?!! I just wanted everything to go perfectly!”  You shout as you start sobbing. “Why can’t anything go perfectly like the way I want it? Like the way she wants me to be?” You look up to the person holding you. “I just want to make her proud of me. I just wanted to be the daughter she wants me to be, yet I fuck everything up!”

Then everything dawns you. No matter how hard you try to resist it, your family has planted that seed in you, the reason why you were always so scared and that you can’t even speak yourself no matter how you tried.

You were sobbing so hard, you didn’t even notice how shallow your breathing was already. You felt numb all over and it seems like you have a hard time breathing. You were having a panic attack since earlier in the room. He noticed this too.

“Shh. Hey. y/n. Breathe with me okay? Please.” You try to. You can feel him caressing you as he breathes slowly and deeply. You follow him as best as you can until you have slowly calmed yourself down. Your vision was slowly returning, but still blurry from the tears.

“Hey…you alright?” He palms your cheeks. You can vividly tell now that it was him. “Hoseok…” You say crying. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” You repeat it over again. You don’t know what you are apologizing for, may it be breaking down in front of him or the fact that you hurt his feelings, maybe both. But you did it anyway.

 “I-I’m gonna be fine now.” You say a few minutes later as you try to get up and wipe your tears away, act as if nothing happened at all. “y/n…” He calls you and you can’t manage to stop tears falling when you hear it. “Hoseok-ah. I’m sorry for being so fucked up. I know I don’t deserve your help.” You wipe your tears away. “Thank you as well, for being there when nobody can…”

You try to stand up straight, trying to wipe out that weakness you felt. “I w-won’t bother you anymore so, you can stop coming here… or I can stop coming here—”

“y/n.” He calls again but you don’t listen.

“and thank you also… for today.” You compose yourself before turning away. You feel your arms being pulled back.  “y/n!”

You turn your head looking a little bit furious. You didn’t want to show how weak you were anymore.

“what are you gonna do? Go back out there in that state?”

“I can manage myself Hoseok.”

“can you please try and look at yourself y/n? You’re not in the right state to be there.”

“I can be—”

“Y/N!” You flinch when he raises his voice.

“You know what, you know what I see?” You remain quiet.

“You’re selling this idea of who you think you need to be. That’s what i see y/n” and it hit you straight like a bullet. You felt furious. You hear the walls you built around you crash. And you are angry because no one had ever gone pass those high walls you built. Not until you met Hoseok. And what’s worse is that you are angry because everything he said was true. Those were only few words but they were the only honest ones that stripped your soul naked.

“Aren’t you exhausted?” He asks, and then again, you feel hot tears streaming down your face again. You never cried as many times and as hard as this in front of anyone.

All your life you’ve trained yourself never to cry in front of anyone and you’ve always been successful with it. You’ve decided that not in your lifetime will you show a soul your weakness. But this man standing in front of you defies everything you’ve set up for your life. You find yourself looking down the floor, unable to hold back the sobs coming out. “I am.” You say finally admitting. “I’m exhausted. And i’m really tired.” And at that point you break crouching down to the floor hugging your knees like it’s the only way to protect yourself from the feeling of nudity, of transparency.

You feel him crouching to your level as well then hands on both shoulders, giving it a light squeeze. “Y/n. Look at me. Hey” You don’t do it at first ashamed of your reaction. You were so new to vulnerability and you didn’t know what to do. Not until the second time he called you when you slowly lift your head to look at him.

“Let’s make it better alright? We can do it slowly. One step at a time.”

“I’ve wronged you Hoseok.”

“You did. But let me ask you one thing. Did you mean anything you said back then? Did you really just—use me?” You could feel that he was hesitant to ask but you knew this was the time to finally explain and tell him that you meant none of it.

“No. No Hoseok-ah. I was just really scared and I can’t tell you a better reason.”

“Then, thank you for being honest. I’m not saying I’m not mad.” He says, and you drop your head again guilt still wrapping you up.

“I’m angry so you have to make it up to me.” He brings your head up again by moving his hands to both cheeks squishing it lightly causing him to smile. Right then you decided you’ll do anything to see that smile. He brings your forehead closer to his. “I’ll make it up to you, I-I promise.” He smiles wider and brings his lips to your forehead and gave it a kiss.

 Your parents were scheduled to come to your university three days after. Somehow you were not as anxious as you always would be. The thing you felt was somehow foreign, like you were still yourself, but your mind was a lot clearer. You couldn’t explain it.

You were still walking alongside your mother, smiling at the people around, when one of the board members approached you and your parents. “Hello Mr. and Mrs. Choi, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” He turns to you and smiles as well “oh and the lovely Ms. Y/n here. How lovely to see such a fine woman.”

Your mother gives him the most pleasing smile. “Of course, Mr. Park. She learns from the best.” You almost snort at her statement, but you stay composed.

“Well, well Ms. y/n, you most would certainly follow the footsteps of your mother.” Something within irked you to deny, because you didn’t really want to follow her. She was one woman you don’t want to be. “Is there any hobby you have Ms. y/n?” He suddenly asks but you mother was quick to answer.

“She plays the piano. She loves it.” Your mother chuckles sweetly. This time you did not stop the urge to speak “Dancing. I love to dance.” Both your parents were astounded by your sudden intrusion.

Mr. Park hums. “Really now, you know you should meet my son, he loves to dance. He and his friends are into music so much sometimes I wonder why they aren’t pursuing to be an artist!” He laughs, and you smile. You envy his son because he didn’t have such controlling parents. “So are you planning to be one now, Ms. y/n?” He asks and you glance at your parents, giving you a warning look not to speak.

Then you realize it. You can never be the perfect daughter too them, never will be. “I would like to own a dance school.” You felt relief, you didn’t know you could actually speak out. You never felt stronger than you were before. “I- I also want to be a doctor.” You felt so proud of yourself, you couldn’t care anymore how your parents looked at you.

“Oh, so you wouldn’t be following your mother’s footsteps of taking over the company?” You smile and shake your head. “I’m afraid that would be the case, sir.”

“Mr. Park, I think it’s time we should go along, the board must be waiting.” Your mother cuts you off, giving you the coldest glance. Maybe you would have wavered before and you admit, there’s still some kind of fear left but it doesn’t really get you like it always does anymore.

So when she meets up with you again in one of the private rooms with a slap across your cheek, you remain unfazed, you were overly familiar with the setting.

“Why can’t you be better?!” You remain silent. “For once y/n! try to listen! You never do!” You scoff at the accusation.

“Listen? Really mother? All I did, ever since I was a child was to do as I was told. To become the perfect little daughter you and father can use to your advantage. I’ve don EVERYTHING mother.” You pause, gave yourself a moment to deep breath to compose yourself. “But guess what, that perfect little daughter of yours is gone now. And you should learn to deal with it. If you can’t, better find some other robot doll that would suit your taste.” She was speechless and it was a good thing because you had a chance to walk away then.

“now, if you’ll excuse me, I still have some important things to do.”

  You go out to find your friends. You had to clear everything up with them. You had to tell them what you and Hoseok had. They were your friends so they would be accepting. You knew Mia was in one of the locker rooms. It would be about time she finished. A you went inside the locker room you could faintly hear two people talking.

As you went closer you see Mia, her back turning on you and a guy…Hyunwoo? She was pinning him on the counter and you could see his hands on her waist. It was an intimate position, not something friends would do. But it wasn’t them that confused and surprised you.

“You think she’s really lost it huh?” You hear Hyunwoo speak as she noses Mia on her neck. You wonder why Mia never told you.

“She can lose herself all she wants, I don’t care. I never did.” You felt a pang of betrayal, but you couldn’t just jump into assumptions. You slowly went closer to where they were, still unsuspicious that you were around.

“Did you see how she froze back there? It was hilarious.” She laughed. As Hyunwoo continues to kiss her neck, both obviously starting to get aroused, you wanted to get the hell out, but you know you couldn’t now that it was obvious who they were talking about.

Hyunwoo chuckles as he shifts their position, him pinning Mia on the counter. “Then why don’t you just, you know, drop her out. She can be with that geeky weirdo and you can have your throne.”

“Not yet. That bitch is a tough weed.” You can hear her snob. “If I could, I would’ve thrown that useless piece of shit a long time ago.” You felt yourself heat up from the anger. Out of all your friends, it was Mia who could do this.

First, you couldn’t understand why. You remember being the only one there when she was pit bottom, when there was no one there to save her. And despite the change you saw in her when she got up the ladder, you never once thought of dropping her. Yet there she was willing to do so.

You tried to think of a way not to lash out. You try to get yourself together even with all the shit you’ve heard. This was gonna be the last time you’ll use this act, you promise yourself. Once more you straighten up and plaster that unreadable look on your face before knocking on the locker beside you.

“Really, Mia? that’s all you’ve got? I expected better from you.” Both immediately turned their heads to your direction, clearly surprised.

“Y-y/n…” She tries to smile sweetly, and you suddenly felt like barfing. “Ew. Cut the crap Mia. It doesn’t suit you.” You scrunch your face. “oh… I’m sorry to bust your little plan of what was that again, using me?” You slowly approach her folding your arms to your chest.

“You know what, I thought I should be furious. But now looking at you…” You look at her judgingly from head to toe. “I just really feel sorry for you and your pathetic life…” She grew furious with those words, you knew you hit the button when her expression changed drastically. Just something you hoped.

“Huh! Really y/n?! of all people, YOU would say that? How ironic!” you only snob at the comment. She tries to cover the uneasiness, but you knew for a fact that she was nowhere near calm. It reeked so heavily around her.

“I would’ve played with this for a little longer Mia. But I just really feel sorry for you right now. You know why?” You stepped closer crouching down lower from your level, Hyunwoo was now on the side, being a coward. “Because you and your pitiful self spent years, to kiss my ass, just to get your throne.” You throw your words like venom. “Now you’re gonna watch your plans waver like dust. Tsk. Poor you, Mia.”

“You’re not ruining my plans.” She warns. You can’t help but snort at her before getting up on your level. “Watch me, bitch.” You smile before walking away. You never felt so relieved, like a big bold of rock was lifted off your shoulder. You knew you’d be out from all their lives in an instant, but you couldn’t care less. The only thing you thought was to find your geeky weirdo.

  By the time you found him, the sun was almost setting. You were still far from where he was at, but you can already tell. What you found odd though, was the fact that he was surrounded by a group of guys. You couldn’t see clearly what they were doing and most especially with Hoseok with his back turned. But you were sure he was looking down, scratching his head, and you see the others laughing. Your protective instinct suddenly warns you that he was being ganged up and you wanted nothing more but to get him away from there. You couldn’t just leave him there, especially one you see one of them kay a hand on his shoulder as if acting like they were friends.

You knew people like that so well, because you came from that group of people. But you can’t allow yourself to be one when you decided to make things right. So you ran towards their direction to pull a stunt… maybe, or just get him out of those jerks.

“What the hell are you doing??” You shout from behind gaining the attention from all of them and Hoseok too.

“uhhh---” One of them tried to speak but you didn’t want to hear any of it. You knew it would just be a dumb excuse.

“You know what you guys, you could find other people to pick on, but not Hoseok.” You tell them sternly. Everyone seemed amused at the statement. They couldn’t even say anything huh? Maybe people really found your boiling temper scary that they can’t even speak. You felt so proud of yourself.

“Y-y/n…” Hoseok starts. One of them clears his throat. “and may we know who you are miss?” He asks, and you could see the faint grin he tries to stop. You felt a little bit insulted, but you didn’t wanna back out. So you charged on blurting out the words didn’t expect would come out. “I’m his girlfriend!” Then there was silence. You thought maybe they were rethinking their actions.

“S-so… if I see you near him again, y-you’ll see.” You try to threaten, although it was clear how scared you were, but you did it anyway.

You grab Hoseok’s hand and hurriedly walk away from the vicinity towards the opposite direction.

 You didn’t know where you were going when you lead him away. You were now walking along the sidewalk with you still holding his hand when you realize he was quiet for the whole time, so you stop to face him. It confuses you how unbothered he was. Like, he was just smiling at you.

“u-uhm, are you alright?”

“hmmm. I guess.” He shrugs.

“Look I know I’m not the one to say this but, you really don’t deserve to be treated like shit. No one does.” You look down feeling guilty of all the things you’ve done in the past. “S-so yeah.”

“Y/n…” You look at him and He smiles so softly, his eyes full of adoration and empathy.

You were so caught up in the middle of it and you don’t notice a car rushing towards you so when it passed by, the puddle beside you splashed so hard everything on your side got wet.

“What the hell…” You sigh.

“Sorry.”

“Why are you saying sorry?”

“Well you wouldn’t drag me to here if I just---”

“Hey. You didn’t plan to be dragged here on purpose so it’s fine.” You look at his clothes wet from the sudden impact as well. “Ugh. Cars should have  alarms for puddles too.” You say as you try to wipe off the excess stain.

“If you don’t mind, uhm… my apartment is nearby... I could give you a change of clothes… so we could wash the dirty ones.” He offers.

“That would be really great. I can’t really go home like this.”

Xxxxxxxx

You envied his apartment. It was a lot smaller than your mansion, but at least it was a tad homey then your so-called home. You look around while he was getting a change of clothes.

You look at the picture frames and you see a variety of him in different poses with different people one was when he was probably a kid with his mom, the other was an older version with his sister, his pictures when he graduated middle school and high school, and another one with a younger version with and 6 other guys.

  So he did have friends. You thought. They looked really close and youthful. You could sense the playfulness in their expression and when you look at Hoseok, you see that he had the same smile he always had ever since you met.

One thing you noticed though, is that not one of his pictures did he wear glasses, and the picture with his friends… they looked awfully---

“y/n. hey. Uh, here.” You turn around facing him and he was already holding towel and clothes. “You can use the bath first. I’ve prepared it for you.”

“Thanks.” You smile before turning in.

 When it was his turn to bathe, you looked idly sat on his couch for minutes before deciding to get up and do something, maybe stretch, look around some more. But when there was nothing left to do, you proceed to go to his kitchen, and you see dishes still stacked unwashed. You thought maybe you could be of help.

Before washing the dishes, you decide to just take of the shorts he gave as it was so big and would always slip down. Anyway, you still had your own mini- short you used under your skirt that wasn’t stained, so you used it instead.

You were quite enjoying the chore and you didn’t notice Hosoek emerging from the bathroom. You couldn’t see him staring since you were too focused on the dishes. You continue to hum to your music and would sometimes sway to the rhythm.

You were still very oblivious to the situation until you turn around. It surprised you how he was suddenly so close. Only inches apart. You could smell the shampoo and soap he used and… he was half naked and dripping.

“H-Hoseok. I hope you don’t mind, I washed…” You look at him and you couldn’t help but feel weak on the legs. A tightening heat you feel inside starting to burn as well. His eyes were dark, he had no specs on yet you sense that he could see you clearly.

“Hoseok-ah..” You didn’t mean it to come out as soft. He steps closer, and now you can feel the heat emitting from your bodies. You could feel his breath ghost against your skin.

“I’m never the type to lose control y/n-ah…but you’re making it so difficult for me.” Somehow that statement gave you that sense of confidence to probe him. You feel hazy, yet one thing you know is that you know you wanted this as much as he stops himself, and you just want him to let go of it.

Your hand was still wet and full of fizz, yet it didn’t stop you from snaking it up from his chest to his cheek. “Why are you stopping yourself then?” Your tone was luscious, and you can feel him slightly tensing from it. You soothe his damp hair with your fingers and he was clearly enjoying the sensation.

Before you know it, he was already closing the gap between you two, holding you by the waist with your back against the kitchen counter. You titled your head to the side to give him more access to the kiss. Unlike the first time this was less innocent, yet a lot more passionate. You felt your hands against his hard muscle, travelling down his abs until you found yourself going lower, palming his crotch. He was now groaning clearly aroused by what you did. You hitched when you felt his lips on your nape, suckling on it gently.

His hands traveled downwards until it reached the hem of the shirt you wore and lifted it up, making sure his fingers would graze on your thighs, until he reached higher to the sides of your waist, caressing it gently. You hummed at the sensation “Good?” You nod. He kisses you again, sucking at your bottom lip, and you could feel him unclasping your bra, and starting palming at your breasts.

“H-Hseok… Please…” You sigh at the sensation he is giving. You were just starting yet you can already feel how wet you were.

“Hmm.Yes baby?” His voice was deep and husky and it just added to the feeling you had down there.

“I-ah- I need you… please…”  You hitch as he plays with your nipples alternately, still sucking on your neck. You just wanted to feel him, all of him. Without wasting time, he lifts you up your legs on the either side of his hips as he leads you to his bedroom. You made sure to grind on his hardening cock causing the towel wrapped around him to fall.

He was hovering over you as he dropped you to the bed. He looks at you his eyes hooded now and full of lust, and roam our eyes on his body and drink the site of him being so lean and built. You never expected someone like him could look this gorgeous. He gently lifts your shirt up and you are now left with your underwear.

He gently trails kisses starting from your lips, to your throat, down to your breasts, licking and playing with it, and you hitch your breath when you felt it being so sensitive. He traveled his tongue down to suck spots on your stomach before placing his hands on the hem of your panty.

“So wet for me baby aren’t you.” He teases as he palms your wetness through the fabric. You can’t miss the nickname which just add to the arousal. “Yeah..ah- so please.. Hoseok-ah.” With that, he finally slides them off and he groaned looking at how you were dripping for him. You felt a little shy so you closed your legs and stopped you before you do. “Don’t you dare close them y/n.” You whine at the sudden dominance, and he knows you like it and he smirks at that.

“Hoseok… I think I can’t wait anymore…”

“What do you want baby?”

“Please fuck me…” He gvies you another smirk. “Of course. But let me taste you.” He leans down his head to your heat and licks you folds before finally diving in. You were now a moaning mess. You could feel his tongue dip into your core before sliding up to your clit, giving it a nice little tease before sucking on it.

“Hoseok-ah!!” a moan escapes your mouth and you can’t help but thrust hips forward. When he starts to insert his fingers, you felt completely out of it. You were moaning his name over and over, especially when he hits the spot inside you.

“H-hoseok, I’m gonna, hah!” Your breathing was becoming erratic until he stopped. He went back up to kiss you not caring that you could taste yourself.

“You fucking drive me insane y/n. you know that?” You couldn’t respond as you are too high to do so. He lifts one of your leg up to his shoulders as he lines himself up to your entrance. “Tell me to stop if you need to. Although I don’t think I would find the strength to be able to.” He said honestly. You lift your hands to his cheek. “I don’t think I would want you to stop either.” And with that he goes in, slowly and gently. He groans at your tightness and you moan, feeling so pleasured by the size of his cock fitting your tight hole.

He starts at a slow pace at first and you could feel yourself hitching at every move. He buries his head between your neck and shoulders, sometimes giving it gentle kisses as he rocks into you harder at a faster pace. “Ah! Hoseokie. Please more. I need more.”

And so he does, thrusting his hips in a relentless pace, you could hear the slapping of your skin against his. He moved his hand on the headboard as he tries to steady himself as he thrusts hard.

“F-fuck. You’re so beautiful.” You moan his name like a mantra begging him not to stop to fill you up.

“Hoseok, I-I’m gonna—ah!” You came. Hard against his cock still thrusting you.

“Don’t stop.” You beg even when you felt somewhat overstimulated already.

“A-are you sure?”

“Yes. Please Hoseok.” So he does do as he’s told. Thrusting inside you at an unforgiving pace. You can hear him hitch and it was clear that he was close. He did a few more deep thrusts before milking his way inside you. He collapses on top of your before rolling to the side, afraid his weight might hurt you.

 You both pant heavily getting down from the high before he got up to the bathroom and came back if a warm damp cloth to clean both of you and throwing it to the side of the room. He then went to lie down beside you as you scoot to his chest feeling the warmth you’ve been longing for. You immediately relax to the feeling of his heartbeat as he gently sooth your locks.

“What you said earlier, me being your boyrfriend…” I lifted my head to look at him. “I-I know I didn’t have any right. I’m sorry--.”

“Do you want to?”

“huh?”

“Me, to be your boyrfriend…I mean officially…” He asks. You smile at the shyness. You can’t believe this shy guy was also the one who just fucked you senseless.

“only if you make me your girlfriend too.” He grins as he hugs you tight.

“Okay, girlfriend.”

 You wake up to the feeling of a chest pressed against your back and one arm holding you tightly around your waist, his head tucked against yours and you could feel his breath ghosting against your neck. This was probably one your favorite mornings.

You gently stir to face him, making sure your legs are still tangled under the sheets. You tuck you hand under your head to the side as you slowly drink the sight of him, tracing his features. You couldn’t help but smile at how the slow shines on him so softly, how it perfectly it suits him.

“Is this gonna be a thing now? You watching me until I wake up?” He suddenly speaks startling you a little.

“I guess. Is this gonna be our thing now then? You pretending to be asleep while I watch you?” He only chuckles and oh god, that was probably one of the most melodic ones you heard, plus the fact that it gave off that huskiness. When will you be ever to get over that? You mentally ask yourself.

“You have class in the morning right?” You only nod, not really wanting to get up from this little sanctuary you have but you know you will have to eventually.

“wanna have some quick breakfast before you go?” He asks while drawing circles on your back. You nod giving him a quick kiss before he dresses up to go to the kitchen. Then remain rolling yourself on the sheets not caring that you’re still naked feeling so full. So this was what butterflies felt like. You thought it wasn’t so bad at all.

 By the time you emerge from the room after taking a quick shower, breakfast was already done, bacon and omelet served on the table. You decide not to come up yet. You lean your body against the doorframe as you watch him make coffee for both of you.

You don’t know if it was site of him making coffee or the disheveled look he had while making it that gave you butterflies. After a few more minutes of mental appreciation, you maneuver yourself towards him, sliding your arms in between his waist.

“That really smells good.” He jolts a little surprised by your sudden entrance but relaxes soon realizing who it was. He turns himself around in your arms and leans down to give you a peck on the lips. “hmmm. Go eat. Or you’ll be late.” You wonder if this was how being domestic felt like. You’ve only seen them in movies so you never knew.

“Don’t you have a class too?” You ask slowly detangling yourself from him and went to stuff yourself with food.

“Nope. I don’t have class until 11.” He answers placing your coffee down. You only hum and continue to eat your food.

“I’ll see you when I get there?” He carefully asks sitting down to grab some eggs.

“Hmm yeah. I’m free the whole day anyways. Except for class.” You tell him as you munch your food. “wow this is really good. I should hire you as my chef.” He chuckles at the comment but somehow he wonders why you were free?

“How about your friends? No plans with then?” You suddenly stop eating. “I-yeah.. uhm.. You know when they say ‘friendship over’?” You try to give him a hint. He seems shocked by the sudden news.

“Why? Did something happen?” He asks, worried. “Yeah, well apparently I heard Mia talking shit about me in the locker room with Hyunwoo..” You shrug. “Well, figured the others were probably just the same.” He gently grabs your hand, giving it a little squeeze. “You alright?” You give him a reassuring smile.

“Yeah. I actually told her to fuck off.”

“That’s my girl.” He says proudly as he ruffles your hair.

 Even if you’ve been there yesterday, going to school felt new. Maybe because you were going in that campus as a different person. Maybe because you knew you couldn’t care less of that title they gave you anymore, and maybe because you didn’t give a fuck walking alone without those who tail behind. But nevertheless, you just felt good…and lighter.

People still greeted you and complemented you on hallways and they sure noticed how you changed, greeting them back with glee.

After class, you went to find Hoseok as he is probably already in school campus.

 To: Hoseokie

Where u rn?

From: Hoseokie

…

Around. 😉

 You were still walking on the hallways looking down at your phone, when you hear some students pass by.

“Oh my gosh. Have you heard?! Mr. Park’s son is gonna visit campus!” One girl exclaimed.

“His friends were coming too! I’m so excited!” They squeal together. “I heard they are really popular in the university they go to! Like really really popular!”

“What? I heard one was attending this school and I never heard about him.”

“He’s probably in a different department…”

Their voices fade as you pass by still at your phone, trying to ask your man where he’s at when you bumped into someone.

“Look who’s here.” You look up to see Mia and all your now ex-friends.

“You need something? I’m quite busy here as you can see.” You held out your phone unbothered by the intimidation they’re trying to give you.

“Can’t you see, I’m gonna be queen no y/n.” You roll your eyes amused by her. “what, you were really serious?” You laugh sarcastically. “Alright, go ahead you have it. But I’ll give you an advice.” You move a little closer. “Try to go green. You know, as ‘queen’, save mother earth.” She was baffled, you smile expecting the reaction.

“Since, we’re trying to save it from pollution, right? The earth doesn’t need plastic trashes like all of you. So… that’s what I’m trying to say.”  Everyone especially her was furious.

“You know what y/n, you can live with your pathetic and lonely life.” She spits and you can’t believe how unbothered you were. “Right now you’re just a stupid ass bitch alone---”

“y/n” You can hear Hoseok shout your name and you were relieved that you can finally go now. “Finally. I’ve been looking all over—” You turn around and it confused you that you don’t see Hoseok anywhere, only 7 men standing in front of you, everyone of them seemed really familiar you thought you have met them somewhere…

And there he was, Hoseok standing in front of you. You do a double check and indeed it was him, just that there were no rims anymore, and oh gosh his hair was now flipped to one side exposing his forehead. He was wearing light shades which he took off eventually.

“Wow.” Was all you could say. He laughs as he went near to pull you by your waist. “You like it? My look?” You were speechless at first but then you realize soon what this really was. You suddenly throw a fist on his chest playfully. “You ass!” He only laughs. “How? Why?”

“I just thought I should play it cool for the first few weeks.” He shrugs.

“I’m mad. You didn’t even tell me.” But of course you weren’t. he must have had his reasons.

“Sorry baby.” He kisses your forehead. You look behind him to see his friends smiling knowingly. A few moments you realize why they looked so familiar. They were at the school grounds once, with Hoseok. They were probably just talking when you suddenly pulled your dragon at them.

You wanted the ground to just eat you. They move towards you and Hoseok, smiling when they noticed your embarrassment.

“I’m really sorry about yesterday.” You bow down.

“She’s cute.” One comments as you get up and look down on your feet.

“You got a good one Hoseok-ah.” One with slightly deeper voice said.

It was a matter of time before your boyfriend intervened. “Hey guys. You’re scaring her. Stop it.” He tells them playfully. “y/n. They’re my friends. Let me introduce them.” And so he does one by one. Starting from Yoongi, the quiet one, Jin, with prince-like features, Namjoon the one with towering height, Jimin, the Director’s son, Taehyung with the boxy smile and Jungkook who looks exactly like a bunny. No wonder why those girls were screaming, they were indeed really handsome, each having their unique features.

And of course there’s Hoseok. You turn to him pouting. He smiles at how adorable you looked.

“I’m kind of getting hungry. How about we get lunch first before visiting uncle?” Everyone agrees.

As you pass by, you see Mia in awe and the other girls running to the guys. Apparently, they were just ignored.

xxxxx

As the day ceased, you and Hoseok both find yourselves in the dance studio, somewhat worn out from the dance routine you did. You were leaning against his chest on the couch with both your legs dangling above his. “This is nice.” You say closing your eyes. He hums tracing circles on your back. “How are you feeling? After… you know, everything?”

You smile, “Better than ever.” You assure him. You have never felt so strong like you are now. You knew you still had a lot to learn, and face but at least now you can take them head on. You know that you have now been stripped naked from all pretentions, but there’s no other way you’d choose to gain your freedom.

“Another round?” You take his hand.

“Let’s get it on”

[crowned-ladybug]

Windowsill Hyacinths

And the other OC thing! Bc i promised

When is my writing not, but still, this one is just entirely self-indulgent. Writing’s fun!

OC blog is @menagerie-of-morons

Characters: Jackie, Marvin

Setting: main verse

Word count: 2.3k

Warnings: periods (the unpleasant biology kind, punctuation is kind of a given I think)

These are OCs, please keep that in mind and respect it.

Neither of them are morning people. Thank goodness, otherwise Marvin doesn’t know how he could tolerate this living arrangement. But usually Jackie is still up before he is, and even though it’s only been two weeks since they moved in together, Marvin is already pleasantly used to waking up to the shower running.

Except this time he woke on his own, which is lovely for a Saturday actually. But it’s also weird, because it’s a break in an unsaid routine, and broken routine makes him anxious.

He hesitates at the door of Jackie’s room before he knocks, hoping it’s quiet enough that it doesn’t wake him if he’s just sleeping in (and Jackie either sleeps like a bear during winter or lighter than store-brand tissue paper, there’s no in-between, so his chances are still better than none at least). There’s a moment or two of silence before he gets a response – a long groan, unclear whether distressed or just too lazy to talk.

“You okay, my dude?” Marvin smiles, hoping the answer will be along the lines of ‘I just woke up and it’s too early and how dare does the Sun exist’. Instead what he gets is the most noncommital and obviously fake ‘I’m fine’ he’s ever heard in his life. “Can I come in?”

To little surprise and much more relief, he’s granted permission.

He finds Jackie curled up in his bed, forming an amorphous pile with his sheets and pillows and plushies, his disastrous bedhead and barely-open eyes just about poking out from under. He mumbles a ‘hey’ when Marvin enters, though it comes out barely audible thanks to the duvet he doesn’t bother to pull away from in front of his face.

“What’s wrong?”

Jackie just sinks deeper into his pillow and closes his eyes fully. For a moment Marvin thinks the little groan he lets out will be the only response he gets, but then he finally speaks. “Uterus bad.”

“Oh, damn,” Marvin sighs, and he finally shuts the door behind himself and makes his way over to the bed. Looks like poor Jackie’s period is hitting bad again, and it’s not surprising considering all the stress of moving just two weeks prior, but it still sucks. “Can I sit?”

Jackie just nods, and so Marvin picks up the stuffed sheep he finds fallen off the bed, and sits. Jackie fishes out one of his hands from under his mess of sheets and makes grabby hands at Marvin until he receives said sheep, and he hugs it, tucking it under his chin.

“Do you need anything.”

“A different set of reproductive organs, please...” he groans again, because that seems to be one of three things he can reliable do right now, but there’s finally some humour to his tone at least.

Marvin grins, and he’s pretty sure Jackie smiles back, though it’s hard to tell with so much in the way. “I don’t think they sell those at the grocery store.”

“Damn.”

Marvin gives a sympathetic hum and he reaches out to rub his poor, suffering friend’s shoulder. Jackie closes his eyes for a moment.

“Is there anything else you’d like then?”

“Hmm...” he opens his eyes again, and adjusts himself so that his face is less in the pillow now and more turned towards Marvin, for the sake of a better conversation experience. “I don’t know...painkillers, maybe?”

In the end that list grows to painkillers, the heating pad, a nice, warm drink and some snacks, and while he’s at it, Marvin checks if they’ve got enough pads too. Just because they moved in weeks ago, it doesn’t mean Jackie couldn’t have forgotten to bring enough in the first place.

And he’s so right. He scribbles it on the shopping list during his pass in the kitchen.

As a bonus reward from his fetch quests, he also gives Jackie a gentle lecture on how he needs to learn to ask for what he needs instead of downplaying the list to a single, easy-to-get item. It’s good that this isn’t the first period Marvin’s ever seen, but he’d very much prefer to just ask Jackie what he needs than guess it. Jackie looks sufficiently sorry, and Marvin reassures him that it’s okay, it’s just a work in progress (because the last thing he wants is to screw with the poor guy’s already messy emotions), and in the end Jackie ends up adding a new element to his list of current needs – a hug.

He’s granted that, in a kind of roundabout way, when Marvin lies down next to him (because the painkillers have yet to work their magic, and so Jackie doesn’t want to do anything but lie curled around the hot pad) and they cuddle for a while, a little clumsy and complicated, because there’s so many things on the bed to be mindful of now. But Jackie gets his craved physical affection, and he sinks back into a pleasant, half-asleep state as the pain starts to lessen, comfortable in the warmth of the hot pad and the way Marvin’s fingers slide through his hair in an imperfect rhythm. He listens to the in-depth discussions his friend has with some of his plushies, words fading in and out of the edges of his consciousness.

Marvin is grateful as all fuck for Saturdays, because that means neither of them have things to do and places to be. Jackie can stay in bed and eat comfort food as much as he wants, and Marvin can hang out with him and make sure he’s okay and also do the shopping before he forgets.

He eventually gets around to doing the latter too, traversing the thankfully not insanely crowded isles of the supermarket. He’s having a good leg day, so he only brought one crutch, and even that’s sitting in the cart now. He can hold his weight just fine for now and lean on the cart for a few moments if he can’t.

He gets regular, boring kind of groceries, like milk and bread and spices, because there’s always ones running out. Then he heads for the isle that holds sweets, most importantly chocolate-based sweets, and this time it’s not for his own pleasure. He ends up with three different kinds of chocolate piled into the cart after long, careful examination and consideration of all options. Jackie definitely deserves to treat himself to some good sweets.

He skids to a stop (fairly literally, because what sort of person would he be if he didn’t skate with the cart from time to time) at the end of the isle when he notices a selection of jars and bottles with carefully layered various powders and chocolate chips in them. He grins. Jackie loves baking, he’d surely love these funky little “cookie recipe in a bottle” thingies too. He sifts through the selection until he finds one with a nice recipe that doesn’t have pink bows, people in skirts and the last century’s ideal housewife on them, and piles it on top of the chocolate.

Pads are probably the toughest to get from the whole list. Not because he feels shame and a threat to his masculinity looking at period products, because he’s way past his “utter dumbass” phase in this regard, and if he feared for his masculinity so much, he wouldn’t wear skirts half as often. No, it’s because the one very important detail he managed to forget to jot down is the brand and make of the damn things. So now he’s faced with a whole wall of pads and racking his brain for what they looked like when he saw Jackie stash them in their own little box in the bathroom two weeks ago.

Except they all look the same – pink for day, dark blue for night – and the only differences he can spot in this visually uninteresting display are the brand names and prices.

He’d go for cheapest, but – really? It’d make sense, except who knows which of these things is actually comfortable and, like, good at its job? The price surely doesn’t. And Jackie wears boxers, do these things even work with those?

He’s pulled out of his thoughts for a moment when another person – long hair, dress, delicate make-up, all in all feminine-looking – enters the isle and gives him a look that’s...friendly? Friendly people in a supermarket, would you look at that! They’re probably pleasantly surprised by seeing someone on the more masculine end of the scale shopping for these things.

Finally, he admits his defeat and pulls out his phone to text Jackie.

But at least he gets the needed information quickly, and Jackie is sympathetic about him not remembering (“These things all look the same...” “I know, right?!”) and shoves two night and two day packs into the cart, because the particular brand is on sale anyway.

He gets off the bus a stop early to walk the rest of the way, the bag of groceries floating by his side with his magic. The weather isn’t nice just yet, and the wind that whips around him sometimes is cutting, but he enjoys a little walk. More importantly, he’s very much aware that there’s a flower shop on the way.

He stops in front of the shop, appreciating the stock through the window as he pulls out his phone, opting to call instead of text this time. He hates to ruin the surprise, but…

“Hey, did you get lost in the supermarket or something?” Jackie laughs into the speaker as soon as he picks up. It’s nice to hear that he’s feeling better now.

Marvin snorts. “Shut up. I wanted to ask how you dysphoria is doing today?”

“Pretty okay, surprisingly,” there’s rusting from the other end, Jackie adjusting his position wherever he is. “Hasn’t been bitching much yet.”

“Nice!” it is nice. He’ll definitely celebrate that. “Would it get ticked off by flowers, though?”

There’s a beat of silence as Jackie processes the unexpected question. “No, I don’t think it would. I love flowers, I’ve gotten over most of the social bullshit around them already,” he stops, then his tone shifts. “Marvin, what are you-”

“Shh, you heard nothing from me! I just wanted to make sure I wouldn’t end up making you feel worse on accident.”

Jackie refuses to hush just yet though. “Dude, I swear, if you’re buying me flowers just because my organs are back on their bullshit, I’m-”

“Listen,” Marvin cuts in, and he’s rewarded by silence immediately. “It’s my money and I can spend it however I want, so shh. As I said, you heard nothing from me,” he waits for that huff of breath that signals defeat, and laughs when he gets it. “I’ll be home soon!”

Jackie calls him an idiot as the call ends, his voice so full of fondness, and Marvin stays standing in front of the shop and just smiling to himself for another moment before he enters.

“’Elloooooo...” Marvin calls as he shuts the front door behind himself, and he hears Jackie’s goofy ‘’Allo!’ in response from somewhere. First thing’s first he calls his other crutch to himself, because his legs are tired now and he needs it, just in case, and floats his bag over into the kitchen.

He doesn’t even get to start unpacking before Jackie enters after him, perfectly upright and seemingly much more comfortable in his skin than only hours ago. He’s wrapped in a bathrobe and his hair is still dripping slightly, and he must have forgotten his glasses somewhere. Marvin already expects a wild hunt to find them again in like five minutes. But he looks good, in his lanky, dorky kind of way, and Marvin is so glad the day is going a little better for him now.

Marvin grins as he fishes out the potted hyacinth he’s bought from the bag. “Look! I brought you a new friend!”

Jackie stares for a moment too long, and his forehead gets a little scrunched up, and he’s still wearing that dorky, goofy smile on his face...and by now Marvin knows to translate that expression to “Jackie just got emotional as fuck.” He has just about half a moment to put the plant back down safely before he’s tugged forward and wrapped up in Jackie’s arms. He leans into it, and his crutches stay hovering where he let go of them. He makes sure to keep his grip on Jackie cautious, because it’s rude to squeeze someone around the middle when their organs are being disrespectful.

Jackie does squeeze him though, and it’s nice. He sounds a little choked up when he says: “Thank you.”

“Dude, it’s just a flower...”

“No, it’s,” he shakes his head, and Marvin can feel it, because it nudges closer to his. “You know I don’t just mean the flower.”

Marvin takes a moment to respond, as he presses his face into Jackie’s shoulder until he can’t breather properly. He adjusts his head, leaves his cheek resting there anyway, and he doesn’t stop smiling. “I know,” he takes a short pause and risks a very gentle squeeze. Jackie doesn’t wince. “Still, you don’t need to thank me.”

“Nope,” Jackie’s tone switches to something less deeply emotional and more dorky again, and he raises his head, though still makes no move to end the hug. He shakes his head and laughs. “Nope, we’re not doing this argument again.”

Marvin just laughs along, and shoves his face back into his best friend’s shoulder again.

[sleepylop]

One Night on Floor Seven: A Hallway Opera

Well, well… welcome to the hallway carpet! Hope you can learn to put up with the smell of curdled soymilk and sour-fragranced aerosol. Personally, I’d like to believe that unrelenting decay is what gives floor seven its character. A delightfully all-consuming “decay,” which extends past just mold caked with chemical lavender. Here, you’ll find five residual units, installed as an afterthought for the sake of filling out surplus space. (A cluster of tumorous apartments, if you will.) That being said, I’d like to introduce our cast—or, better yet, I’ll open the stage and allow them to introduce themselves.

Enjoy the show!

1. Friday, April 19th, 9:42 PM:

Tonight, he’s sat near the top of the stairwell, broadcasting his thoughts on the status of neo-Pagan reptilians and their rapid encroachment on social values:

“I am warning you all so early on, with what we all know is coming, but are too chemically possessed to acknowledge! Our creator died long ago, but a God greater than him has stepped up to rule us; and, he is testing our integrity each and every day! Still, we’re—” He lets out a feral, yet impassioned belch, before continuing, “—we… we’re failing! We’re failing his tests, and we are willingly submitting to witchcraft, and the demonic reptiles who wield it against us! We must come together through a shared blood offering, and repent for our stupidity! Blood! We must give him our blood! Evil will drown in our blood!”

He’s preaching to what seems to be an empty hallway, relying only on the possibility that his voice will slip its way into the surrounding units. For him, walls with the thickness of battered cardboard are a fantastic asset for his ministry.

Each slurred syllable is coated with a residue of cheap cider, as is the inner thighs of his sweatpants. “His” legal name is unknown. His apartment door sits just three feet to his left, and the dilapidated “worship space” he now rents out can be found just two blocks up the street.

He’s also been asked, on a series of occasions, for clarification on exactly what higher power he’s touting as humankind’s omnipresent foster parent. He has yet to give an explanation more concise than simply, “Well, I invite you to join me, for this week’s Sunday evening worship! Together, one day, we will have the honour to bleed for our beautiful, beautiful king. Join us in the only true path to holy redemption! You will soon understand all, I promise you that.”

It’s been just short of two months, and the residents of floor seven have come to a silent consensus: Do not engage with the righteous-ass preacher in room 703, lest you be roped into joining his non-denominational suicide cult. Do not speak or further enable him. Just walk past, again and again. And, most importantly, keep an eye out for any bold-faced, blood-centric news headlines.

Surely enough, morbid curiosity has become the collective vice of floor seven.

2. Friday, April 19th, 11:08 PM:

At the edge of the staircase, right where the carpet is beginning to peel away from water-corroded wood, the preacher has fallen asleep. Oh shit, his snores sound fucked. Possibly, maybe, suggestive of sleep apnea… maybe?

At least, this assessment of symptoms is what twists its way into Evie’s thoughts, via what is beginning to feel like a paranoid reflex. Having just reached the peak of the seven-flight climb, especially, her attention is already shrouded by fog and gorging itself on any thought that’s not this is where I tumble to my death, I’ve lost all feeling in my calves and I’m forgetting how to climb stairs.

The lone elevator is out of service, just as it has been for the past four years or so.

Ahead of Evie, the wallpaper is beginning to distort, her tired eyes directing a show of yellowed roses rearranging and twisting into one-another. Her room, 705, lies directly ahead, the front door bulging in synch with the walls.

It has been a miserable day. Like, an exceptionally shitty day. Far too often, as much as she cares for her own future as a registered nurse, Evie finds herself considering the legitimacy of the suicide cult. Sometimes, school and a lifetime of anxious baggage don’t mesh remarkably well.

Just as she raises her foot to proceed onward toward freedom, Evie feels a cold hand latch onto her ankle. And, before she’s able to come to a conscious halt, she hurdles toward the off-green carpet. Evie’s fall forward is then ceremoniously punctuated by her right knee jabbing into floor, sending a shockwave of pain down her calf. Her backpack presses its weight down onto her, prompting Evie to lose her balance and roll off to the side, twisting her captive ankle in the process. Well, if only I had fallen backwards, to my sudden, wonderful death.

Evie jerks her head around to see, as she had expected, the liquified form of the preacher brandishing her leg, his pale hand squeezing at her ankle. Before Evie can determine the most effective explanatives for the situation, the preacher mumbles, “G’evening, miss. I almost didn’t see you passing by. Can I talk to you ‘bout something, while you’re here?”

Evie doesn’t respond. Instead, she yanks her ankle away from the preacher, making a deliberate effort to at least dislocate his wrist in the process. This effort seems to have failed, as while Evie scrambles to her feet, the preacher continues to slur, “I noticed that you’ve been living what looks like, um, a homosexual lifestyle. I’d like to discuss that with you, maybe, just a bit?”

Growing rapidly more jaded toward the absurd universe that is floor seven, Evie keeps her mouth shut—which, is truly a test of will. God fucking damn, is this guy even a real person? Or is this just the start of my inevitable breakdown?

As Evie makes the short dash to her front door, she hears the preacher continue to babble from the floor. “It’s just, I wanted to have a little discussion, y’know? Homosexuality isn’t, uh, innately bad, I guess, but sometimes it is the product of psychic population control, and I just wanted to let you know, so that our New World Order is never able to—”

The sound of Evie’s door creaking on its rusted hinges is directly followed by a thunderous slam. The preacher’s words catch in his throat, seeming to choke him in the process.

No, really, he’s suddenly gagging on air. He’s beginning to go blue in the face.

Neither he nor Evie notice: Her wallet is now buried in the carpet, just a foot from where the preacher’s head hovers barely over the ground.

Left with no opportunities for further harassment, he dozes back to sleep, cuddling his empty bottle of cider into his chest.

3. Saturday, April 20th, 12:31 AM:

A grey-haired man, dressed in loafers and a faded tie-dye shirt, is approaching room 702. He’s certainly not a resident of floor seven, but he has a very important appointment.

He notices the familiar shape of the preacher curled into a tight lump, snores echoing throughout the narrow hallway. Still, the sight is unsettling, even for a frequent visitor. Something about this strange situation will never, ever sit right with him.

In his peripheral vision, as the visitor raps softly onto the door of room 702, he notices a metallic glint, nestling against his foot. Is that… oh, a lost wallet? Jesus, it looks like the kind of wallet a little girl would strap to her matching purse. Do any kids even live on this floor?

Shrugging to himself, the visitor kneels down, scooping up the glitter-dusted wallet. It fits oh-so snuggly into the palm of his hand. Maybe Mistress Delia will know who this little thing belongs to.

After a moment more spent on standby, the door eases open.

Snores continue to cannibalize the airspace.

4. Saturday, April 20th, 2:06 AM:

A lopsided smile softening his face, the visitor steps back into the hallway of floor seven. He shuts the door softly behind himself. A half-formed bruise is visible on the meat of his bicep.

He swivels around on his heels, readjusting to the sound of snoring and the smell of asbestos and rot. And, before he can even will himself to take a step deeper into reality, the visitor is hit with a second resounding noise: A hollow tapping, rising from the nearby stairwell.

Then, within seconds of the visitor’s panicked acknowledgement, a new man reaches the crest of floor seven. A batlike man, dressed in an elaborate mixture of dark, free-flowing fabric and romantic embroidery. His face and hands are deeply wrinkled, and his platform boots only emphasize his height—which, towers well over the visitor. White roots are beginning to tease his otherwise purple-black hair, which has been tied back into a tight ponytail.

With a relaxed smile and a custard voice, he addresses the visitor. “Oh, hey, have I seen you around here before? I feel like I’ve seen you comin’ in and out, before.” He follows this up with a string of deep breaths, still recovering from his upward journey. Clearly, the fabric wings are entirely nonfunctional.

Feeling heat rise to the surface of his face, the visitor shrugs. “Yeah, you may have,” he says, staring over the other man’s shoulder, eyes losing focus. “I’ve been around here a few times, before.”

With a curt nod, the retirement-bound vampire begins to stretch his right arm across his chest, his silver jewelry chiming faintly. “Cool, cool. Anyway, don’t mean to hold you up. I’m Oscar, by the way; feel free to say hi, next time, alright?”

“I… I can remember that, okay,” the visitor replies, his voice barely audible over the violent snoring, which has practically become ambient noise. “Do you live here?” he asks, after a beat of hesitation.

Oscar hums. “Indeed, I do. I was just gettin’ back a bit later than usual. Had an interesting night,” he says, then hums again, softly.

“Where are you coming from?” the visitor asks, before any social phobias can drag him back down to hell. He’s still baking in his own endorphins, as he often is after some therapeutic-grade flogging. Mistress Delia may be a professional domme, but she places spectacular concentration on the emotional relief of her clients.

“Well, since you ask, I just got done with ‘goth night,’” Oscar says, air quotes included, paired with a dramatic eye roll. Which, is made exceptionally dramatic, thanks to his purple lenses. “The last goth club ‘round here closed years back, which continues to suck profound ass, but occasionally I hear about a ‘goth night’ happenin’, usually at some club downtown. This one had been… not brilliant. Mainly just played a grating loop of 2000s industrial. And, major points off for all the Marilyn Manson tracks. Do people still think the dude’s music is ‘goth’? Really?” Oscar yawns, as if the freshly branded memory is enough to further exhaust him.

Still, the visitor responds with a nervous smile. “That’s, um, interesting. I… didn’t know about any of that.” He pauses. Snoring takes over again, for a moment. “Anyway, I should be going, now. It was nice meeting you.”

With that, the visitor makes a beeline for the stairwell. As he weaves around Oscar, the elder goth offers a quick, “Nice meeting you too, man. Hope good ol’ Delia is treatin’ you right.”

And, finally, the visitor is no longer a visitor of floor seven. Or, of anywhere, currently.

Oscar retreats to room 701, boots tapping in rhythm with the preacher’s sour attempts at breathing.

5. Saturday, April 20th, 4:38 AM:

Later that morning, after a violently disoriented and hungover preacher returns to his own apartment, the door to room 704 opens for the first time.

Out comes Sal.

Sal’s a normal guy. He works in accounting. He’s gluten-free and recently took on a side gig in multilevel marketing. He calls his mom every night, just before 8 PM.

Sal just wants to catch the bus.

Sal’s been searching for a new apartment.

Wish Sal luck.

[itsleafourie]

18 things i learned in 2018

2018 has truly been a year of learning for me. from physically going through a transformation to making new friends and memories. here’ s some things i learned.

18. the only constant in life is change.

i say this in the most positive way possible. for me, i see change as a good thing. there is some type of assurance and security i find in the fact that in whatever situation i might be, it is not permanent. i do not have to stay here - lemme scratch that - it is guarenteed that i am not going to stay here. even when i am at a peak point, i still find it amazing i can even go higher - i have to power and will to drive ‘change’ into that direction.

17. life is better when you live it.

something i struggled with this past year is overall confidence. it started with the basics: such as my body image and my outer look. but something i learned is that hatred spreads. i always thought that the only thing that ‘turned others off’ was my body. as i continued to search my body for every flaw i could find; the self-hatred spread to other more emotional and inner things. i started disliking my personality, how i talked, how i laughed, and most importantly how i reacted as person towards certain situations and things. simply everything i did wasn’t good enough. i thought that i was a complete failure - personality wise. my need to force some kind of change into my personality and the way how i think about life was fed through this constant self-bullying. i thought that every single situation that i found myself in could have been resolved if only i had some sort of personality change. the words “if i wasn’t born like then life would have been easier” crossed my mind every single hour of every day. it created this stress and anxiety inside of me. my raw thoughts were scorned by my very own self-consciousness. i would find myself being way too awkward (when in reality i was being completely normal) or i would trick my own brain into thinking everyone secretly hated me. 

what i meant with this title is that the moment i started to slowly let go of that need of approving others i started enjoying the little things around me. i tried to make it a habit to stop overthinking certain situations. i started to make it a daily goal to react towards things in a utter natural and raw way in hopes of learning myself to be more comfortable with how i am build. i stopped stressing about things such as the way i laughed or how much i ate. just like that - life got a little bit better.

16. no one is as bad as they seem.

my father is a very hostile person. he believes that every person in society is out to get him. growing up with such a negative outlook on meeting new people, it got pretty hard for me to trust strangers with my pride. in other words, i started believing that everyone was out to get me too. i find myself doing exactly what i was scared of - criticising others. i wasn’t bullying anyone, i just thought that every person that i wasn’t necessarily friends with automatically hated me. here is where my insecurity of pleasing others played a huge roll. it was only after i learned myself to be more open and relaxed with new people that i realised the “popular groups” in my school can be extremely friendly. don’t get me wrong, some people’s insecurities still shine through. there are some bad and rotten apples out there. but after actually getting to know some of them, i grew some sort of confidence towards wanting to meet new people. and remember, some people tear other people down only to feel the need of some sort of self-acceptance. 

15. home is where your heart is.

after multiple drama’s and tears, i learned probably one of the most valuable lessons in life; your family is your number one support group. i know i cannot speak for everyone but 2018 made me realise that my family is truly one of the most supportive people i know. i admit, i took it a little bit for granted, but this year’s pain made me realise how blessed i am to have such an amazing lil group of humans as my safety net in life.

14. the arts will always be your number one way of self-care.

i always knew i was a creative person, but in my lowest points of my year i always found myself craving to express my feelings and pain in some sort of art form. whenever it was editing, painting, writing, listening to music, learning or reading, my ‘self-care’ always had something to do with art. that’s why one of my new years resolutions is to spend at least one hour every day doing exactly what i was born to do; to create.

13. exercising is actually pretty fucking amazing.

in 2018 i discovered how much i love doing sports. in previous years, i despised it. little did i know that it would soon become one of my favourite ways to escape from my daily stress. from doing nothing all day to exercising at least 4 days a week really played a roll in my transformation - physically and mentally. 

12. hating things does not make you cool.

oh!!!!! my!!!! god!!!! can people please start to realise that we all have different interests in life? so what you don’t like ‘mainstream’ pop-culture? don’t bash people who do. i used to look down upon people that band-waggoned onto trends. but now honestly who cares? liking a certain genre of music or having a certain style that is not considered “”””mainstream”””” does not make you any cooler that someone who prefers things that are mainstream. if you have time to insults those who do in your day-to-day life, i hope you make the effort to take a step back and change that shitty habit. no shade, all tea.

11. judging a person does not define who they are. it defines who you are.

this might get cheesy, but who has the time to tear others down? this goes hand-in-hand with my previous point, but judging others really does not benefit anyone. it only makes you look like a douche, makes the other person feel like crap (believe me, every gossip you share to a friend will get out) and feeds society’s negativity. i know some of you might think, “oh, it’s easier said than done” but really, just shut the fuck up. after a while of not bullying others and shit-talking, it becomes a habit to just mind your own business. believe me, no one thinks your cool when you tear other people down. it really only shows how insecure you are.

10. it is okay to be emotional.

we don’t even have to be close, after a while it becomes pretty apparent that i am a VERY emotional person. not only do i cry when i get slightly offended, i cry when i get frustrated (for example, i’ve cry almost during every mathematical exam this year, not because i think i’m an idiot, only because math is fucking hard) and i even cry sometimes when i’m happy. for the longest of time i tried to force that side of me away, mainly because society has created this message that not feeling anything is cool af. being a bitch and mean is trendy and crying just shows weakness. but now, i see expressing yourself so vividly and emotionally as such one of the strongest traits a person can have. for me, crying or even showing my raw emotions is the biggest form of rebellion. fuck being emotionally stable all the time. we’re human. every person cries and has bad times in their lives. let’s make it a beautiful thing to express oneself in that manner. 

9. learn how to be on your own.

after drifting away from a few people, i realised how lucky i was to be able to enjoy my own company. at first it was a strange feelings. you never see people being alone in our society. it is label as being “lonely” or “weird”. but honestly, when your not listening to our world’s toxic way of thinking, you realise how unnatural it is for humans to not being able to enjoy being alone. yes, we are social creatures, but we’re also very highly intelligent. sometimes we need some “alone-time” for self-reflecting. learning to become your own best friend will result into you becoming one of the most confident people you will ever know. being alone will not only learn you to love yourself, it also prepares you for the times when you have nothing else to do but to be alone. life is so beautifully peaceful when your realise that the only person you ever need to be dependent of is yourself. simultaneously life will become easier, becomes the only person you’ll ever really need is yourself (and your mum in my case).

8. materialistic things mean literally nothing.

seriously. read that again until you believe. stop caring about your follower count or your likes. stop caring about what brand of clothes you wear or how much cash you have. things such as what type of schoolbag you carry, how “aesthetic” your school stationary is, how “trendy” you are or whenever your style is relevant enough means nothing. no one really cares if your followers are active enough, if you have enough brand-clothing, if you are in-tuned with the newest trends, how much you’ve spent on things or how much your willing to spend. 

no. one. cares.

people only care because other people do. think about it. if we stopped linking this imaginary sense of worth to these things, no one would ever give a second of their day thinking about it. but in our society, it has become second nature to look out for it. for subconsciously compare our likes and followers and money. of course, it is in our human code to want to strive above others, but i believe we need to shift that energy towards different things. strive to be kinder than the person next to you. strive to impact the world positively on a larger scale than the generation before you. those are the things that determine how great of a person you are. 

7. you really need to cautious of getting caught up in the numbers.

this one links with number 8, but it is a bit more focused on this that i struggled with this year (and what i am still struggling with). i made it a priority to lose some weight, and i did achieve it in a very healthy way in comparison with others, but the dieting culture still affected me in some way. for a few months, i became a bit obsessed with giving my everything in going through this body transformation. along with that, i made it a daily goal to break my personal records. records in a sense of weighing or consuming a little bit less than the previous 24 hours. don’t get me wrong, i never did anything physically to force my body to reject those numbers, but i would feel sad or unaccomplished if i didn’t achieve that goal. it became a race between how good (or how small) i looked and how much my body could keep up. i’ve come very far since then, but sometimes it still overwhelms me. this is usually when i remind myself that change is inevitable. remember, progress over perfection.

6. life sometimes sucks.

in total honesty, i struggled with a lot of anxiety and sadness this year. i went to see a therapist to talk about my feelings. it helped, really. but i think it’s safe to say that person who truly saved me was myself. i became my very own hero this year. i learned myself how to dug out of that hole. life is going to suck. being a teenager with hormones, i do experience mood things. but being human, i experience feelings. maybe i have some type of mental illness, maybe i don’t. the world may never know. all i know is that sometimes you have to help yourself from the darkness.

just a little disclaimer; listen to yourself. listen to others. mental illness and sad thoughts aren’t things to be treated lightly. life gets rough and we know so little about mental health. please, whenever you have some form of mental illness or someone you might who has, be kind. treat them softly. we have no control how we react or feel about certain things. acting hostile towards your feeling or thinking you can control your raw emotions will bring you no where but closer to more pain. it is okay to be vulnerable. just make it a effort to help yourself and others. 

5. you need to learn to let go.

please, learn yourself this skill. people are going to leave you and you are going to leave others. you are going to meet new people and do new things. no one and nothing is permanently there. let go of that heartbreak or of that toxic friendship. this is can come off as extremely cheesy, but it is really so so true. 

4. listen to your gut feeling.

one of the biggest mistakes i made this year was ignoring my instinct about certain people. if i reacted earlier on how i felt about someone or something, i would have saved so much tears. but so we learn. put yourself first in life. there is nothing wrong with that. you only have one lift, do not waste a minute doing anything that makes your uncomfortable. 

3. please never stop doing what you love in fear of other’s judgement.

i stopped editing for a while. why? i feared others discovering my fan account. it literally disgusted me to such a point where i felt an anxiety whenever i was creating anything with my editing software. i thought that people would think it was lame, so i forced myself to dislike it. now with not being able to edit due to technical difficulties with my laptop, i long for it so so much. i took all of that wasted time to create something for granted. never push your passions aside only to please others. what a waste of talent.

2. you can still enjoy doing something without being necessarily good at it.

you best believe i am one of the worst gamers in the world, but i enjoy it so much. i’m not a talented singer or dancer, but i will be singing and dancing my heart out whenever i feel like it. i might suck at writing novels and stories, but i enjoy the thought of being able to express myself to freely. enjoy being undoubtedly untalented in something that makes you feel alive. i’ll never be a star athlete or a worldwide famous actor but i still enjoy pushing my athletic abilities or attempting to do any accent. you really feel fulfilled when you do let yourself self-awareness go. just do what you love, no one can be talented at everything.

1. most importantly, appreciate every moment.

once upon a time, my history teacher delivered a speech in one of our weekly school assemblies. it was about not wishing seconds by. sometimes we wish we could fast forward to finishing school. sometimes we wish we can just get out of that period we all dread so much. sometimes we are not in the mood for a sport practise or to deliver a speech. but do we ever realise how quickly all of that can disappear? how blessed we are to be alive and to learn new skills? to express our opinions in front of a classroom? to be able to compete in a sport? we take small things and privileges in life so much for granted. life is so much better than what we give credit for it. also try to see the positive.

cannot wait to learn new things in 2019, here’s to another year full of pain and happiness. here’s another year of growth and living our unmistakably perfectly-flawed lives. 

[letterstomymothershewontread]

Lover,

What is there to say that will truly express my emotions and feelings for you? I believe it was Jane Austen who said 'if I loved you less, I may be able to talk about it more.' and I believe that to be true. There just aren't the words to describe how I feel about you. To say I love you or I am in love you or to even say I love you endlessly wouldn't be accurate. Every part of me truly loves you for all you are, all you were and, all you are yet to be. I honestly don't know at what moment it was where I knew I loved you, I feel like I've always loved you. Like our souls were always destined to be together and that we've shared a love that has went through several life times.

This last two years specifically more than any other time I feel like you've shown me how much you love me. These have been the hardest two years I've ever lived through. Fuck 2020 and Covid-19, that was nothing compared to the pain I was yet to feel. When my sister and I got into the biggest fight we ever had and you were so supportive of me. I had never really felt that kind of support from anyone before and it was world shattering, in the best way possible. Of course you've shown how much you loved me prior to this and I knew you loved me. There's just something about when you're going through something tragic that really shows who's really there.

Shortly after I had the falling out with my sister I ended up cutting my mom out of my life. That was even harder. I felt like I had been going through life with blinders on. Only seeing the good parts that I wanted to see. You were there when the fog cleared and I was able to see my mother for all she is. She's not perfect and she never has been. She's a hurt child who grew up too quickly and had children when she was still a child herself. She has her own trauma she hasn't healed from and though I know she doesn't mean to, she still lets it determine her outlook on life. She's a hurt person and we know hurt people, hurt people. When I made the move to go no contact pretty cold turkey, I wanted to shut down. Frankly I wanted to lay down, give up, and just die.

I am lucky that you didn't let me just give up though. You have been there the whole way. You've held my hands while I learned to walk again and were the support when I felt like I could barely stand. I still struggle everyday with the small things but you're patient with me. You're understanding when we learn about a trigger I didn't know I had and it causes me to spiral. You've been kind to me when things cause me to have PTSD like flashbacks to my childhood. You listen to me when I paint you the picture of my trauma. You are kind to me. You respect me. You support me, but most importantly, you love me. You love me even though I am not this proud and confident person I present to the world. When I'm home and can be the fragile, soft, sad, and broken person, you still love me.

When I was writing in my journal before I started posting my letters on this blog I wrote about how you were my saving grace in lots of ways. I try to not be codependent because I hear it's not healthy so, I hope you know I don't mean to be so clingy and helpless at times. Sometimes it feels like I'm a child again and you're the person I feel safe with.

In my journal I wrote how I felt growing up. How I was labeled the 'problem child' before I was even a problem. My parents gave up on me before I even had the chance to try. They picked me up and threw me overboard and I don't know how to swim. So there I am, lost at sea trying to keep my head above water. Lucky to still be alive. That's when I was least expecting you to come sailing by. You help me and pull me from the ocean where I had be lost for so long. I had been drowning for so long with no one hearing my cries when all of a sudden this beautiful person rescues me.

You and I spoke all of once in high school. You were a 'quiet and straight girl' at the time and I was still trying to find the right label. I held the door for you and complemented what you were wearing before I continued down the hall to see my, at the time, boyfriend. I don't know what prompted me to get the door for you that day, it's not like I was walking out of the library or following you into the library. I mean technically it was out of my way more than anything. The only other interaction we ever had was once in our chorus class. Ironically at the time you were friends with my bully even though you never participated in bullying me. In fact I distinctly remember my best friend and I were sitting with out legs on one another, because it was comfortable, and your friend started to make fun of us. I shrugged it off because what does it matter I guess. That's when I hear you tell her to just leave us alone. I already had a small crush on you but that made my heart flutter. That was the extent of our interactions.

Several years later I'm working at McDonalds and I just so happened to be working the drive-thru one afternoon when, this cutie in an orange car with orange hair to match pulls up. Of course that cutie was you. You didn't exactly pull up close to the window, in fact you pulled very far away. I almost fell into your car as I exclaimed "I love your hair!" Little did I know that it wouldn't be long until I called you my girlfriend.

We met again when I started working at Walmart in 2018. I got a position in the same department you were in and we hit it off. Of course I won you over with my crazy good looks with my buzz cut and, my impeccable sense of humor. I mean who wouldn't fall for a bumbling idiot who just quotes vines all day. For real though, I don't know what I did to deserve you but I'm glad whatever it was I did it.

I'm certain that this isn't the only lifetime we've been together. I think that our souls have found one another through several different lives. You are my person in the past lives we shared, in this life, and in all the rest to come. I can't wait to spend the rest of this life with you. Thank you for being so kind to this sad and broken person. You're my baby. I love you. <3

-Forever faithfully yours <3

[cerastes]

Life’s about to get kinda busy, so I’m just writing shit here to get it in order in my head and because, as usual, if it can help or steer someone, all the better. Nothing negative (on the contrary), but still under a Read More so as to not give you a faceful of What Is This, and because maybe some stuff gets a bit heavy.

February was quite atrocious. It’s the first and only time in years that I have a really, really strong relapse, strong enough that I cut my internet off for a few days out of fear of saying something stupid in what was a very unstable period for me, as well as to not overshare. It was bad enough that I resorted to some old coping mechanisms I hoped I’d never have to rely on again, such as spending some seven or so hours walking back forth the hallway of my apartment in complete darkness while just thinking about solutions to problems and doing dumbbell sets. I used to do this quite a bit back in the ol’ depressive suicidal days since it kept my mind busy and it would tire me out so I could go and sleep, but thankfully it only happened once now. When I say “relapse” now, it wasn’t anything suicidal, by the by, just, in this state of immense stress, so don’t worry.

I should be sad about this, and in a way, I am, but the joy more or less overshadows it: I disowned my father. It had to be done. I gave him a lot of chances, I tried my damn hardest so we could get along well, psyched myself up for it so very hard, but in the end, if you pull the toad from muddy water, put it in a pristine pond, and it jumps back into the muddy water, well, whatcha gonna do. Throughout the end of January to the end of February, we had some very severe fights, one of which escalated into a physical confrontation, and since he simply refuses to change and, well, is still the same son of a bitch that made my life so damn miserable that I grabbed my shit and left home when I was 19, it made me very sad, but I had to admit it once and for all: I have no father. Never did. As much as I wanted to believe I had one or could even have one, if we tried hard enough, it really was just wishful thinking. It made me very sad.

But it also was liberating. It was very liberating because no one can say I didn’t try. I tried oh so god damn hard, and it might have been “pointless” from a results point of view, but it definitely wasn’t pointless, overall, because I tried, I didn’t just give up, and that’s all I needed. I can go on for the rest of my life knowing I didn’t give up on it, that I didn’t run away, and that while I failed, it really was beyond me (it takes both sides to accomplish something, after all). A father that threatens his son with a knife is no father at all. That happened many years ago, and it almost happened in February again, but this time, I didn’t give him a chance to get close to the knife rack in the kitchen, oh, no, not again. Hit him right in the chest and away from the kitchen door. Took one warning to dissuade him. I’m bigger and stronger than him, and most importantly, no longer afraid. I made it clear that if he tried to approach the kitchen again, I would not stop until he had lost consciousness. Told him to get out. Never felt such a curious combination of sorrow and pride, to be honest. But look, the reason I am putting this here is that you really cannot live in fear. Not everyone has the same circumstances and options, but if it’s possible for you, and you have someone in your life who is to you what my father was to me, do put a stop to it. Resort to threats of violence, if you really must, to guarantee your safety. If it’s not possible, then try to make it possible in the future, if that’s an option. Pave the way. For me, it was living by myself for years and cutting ties with my family, growing independent and growing as a person through my suicidal depression. For you, it’s gonna be whatever your context demands of you. Don’t give up, please. Don’t let a fucked up family or whatever ruin the future you that could be be happy. Don’t deny your potential happiness.

Well, after that, it was some pretty hard days. He may be a filthy son of a bitch and a piece of shit whose death will be good news when it happens, but he’s still the figure of a ‘father’, and well, it’s hard mourning that. I didn’t really care about the individual as much as the figure in itself, the role, if you will. I wanted a father, but shit, sometimes shit doesn’t pan out, and to try for any longer than I already had was inviting disaster. Half a decade is enough time. I’m 26 years old, turning 27 this year, I can’t spare any more of my time on a bastard that will keep hurting me, so I decided not to. I wish I could say “simple as that”, but well, it’s not ‘simple as that’, bwahaha. I’ll think about him nowadays and get really upset, really angry, really resentful. Sometimes it even ruins my day and I gotta step away from things a little to catch myself. I’ll think about all I endured and that I thought “I am such a bitch for not being able to endure this...”, because that’s how you think when you are on that Depress Express: It’s your fault somehow, and you’re just weak and immature. One of the biggest steps towards my recovery from depression was, and this is gonna sound weird, that I had been done dirty. You have to admit and acknowledge that it’s not you, it’s really others that did you fucking dirty, that you were treated unfairly, that your frustration and sadness are valid, not just you being dumb. I kinda hate the “you’re valid” joke because it rather makes a mockery of a really important word and concept here. Your utter sorrow is valid. I’m not saying you gotta blame things onto others entirely, just, you gotta learn to accept that some stuff really was out of your power, and that you aren’t dumb for thinking otherwise. This more or less was that for me, again: I realized I’d never really have a father. Sucks, but that’s it. I’m still coming to terms with it, but my life really has been richer since the end of February.

After disowning the ol’ fuckhead, I called my mom and my best friend, and, well, did something I think I owed myself: I came clean to them about my depression and my suicidal tendencies. Told them everything. I never had told this to anyone outside the internet, because honestly, I was afraid I was just gonna be shut down with “no you weren’t, you’re lying”, another of the many scars left by the living failure that never was my father (he’d never believe anything I said, verbally demeaning me and telling me to stop lying or exaggerating; if I ever was awkward with any of you by trying to prove or back up anything I said, even something small, well, here’s why I have that habit). It’s silly, now that I write it, but to my surprise, they believed me. My mother was pretty distraught, and apologized over and over (she too had part in the mess that was my childhood, albeit in a very minor was compared to everything else, and in her case, it really was well-meaning, plus, she’s apologized for it) for not noticing and for other things, whereas my best friend cried as I was telling him and, well, that fucked me up because here I had two people that cared so much for me that they would even show it this way. At no point they doubted me or told me I was being a bitch or exaggerated or lying, they took it and believed it without contest or question, and I really, legitimately didn’t expect that. It also was a huge, huge load off of my chest, because, well, I really just wanted to be able to fucking tell someone about that really hard period of my life in which I really just had myself. During those years, I had cut all contact with everyone. Friends, family, just everyone. When I did reestablish contact with people, I was not out of it all yet, but I was functional. Like, I had regained my sense of hygiene, I had sold my gun so I wouldn’t kill myself (I sold it because I loaded it and pointed it at my head twice with the intent to end it; thankfully, I never followed through, but I couldn’t risk it a third time), I had energy to get out of my room and do shit without having to juice myself up on alcohol, etc. They never did see me at my worst, and in both cases, they did want to know about what happened with me during those years in which I outright disappeared. It’s awkward to write about that here because this is entirely from he PoV of someone who, well, vanished for some years, haha. Well, whatever. 

Point is, it was a very healing experience. I felt light as a feather afterwards. Not only did I manage to come clean about that, the people I told it to believed me. I didn’t know how much I needed that. With this, I am trying to say that, if you believe you need to have your suffering acknowledged, go and talk about it to whoever it is you want to share it with. A parent or a best friend, I don’t know, you know who your special someone is, and believe me, they want to know about this, it’s not a drag for them. Because they care about you. Mind you, there’s a difference between only exclusively talking about your pain and suffering 24/7 (no one deserves to be saddled with that shit) and making a special occasion in which you can tell them about this. Take a whole day to do so if you need to, see? Again, I didn’t know I needed this, I just ended up coming clean to them because I just needed to get it off my chest years after the fact, on top of the whole disowning thing, and it helped more than I could’ve imagined. This is my experience, at least.

I also told them of the whole knife situation with my father years ago, something I also really wanted to just stop keeping a secret, which helped a lot.

Mom’s also grown. She understands and respects my hermit tendencies now, and she made it explicit that she does, which has its worth in gold for me. She realizes she’s guilty for that one, and not to be a “Told You So” guy, but well, now that entire family is fragmented to shit. I don’t wanna get into details of that particular mess, but know that I have three half brothers, two step brothers, and one step sister, a countless amount of cousins, uncles, and aunts, and man, that side of the family is just a fucking mess. Just a hot pile of shit. My own mother is kinda a hermit now, ironically, haha. She realized just how rife with drama and deceit over money it all was, and has taken some distance. She also finally understands that her last ex-husband was a fucking idiot, and more importantly, that she was a fucking idiot for keeping around a freeloader and his three kids for so many years, paying it all out of her pocket and ruining her health. She’s told me I am free to visit and all, but well, I can’t just change overnight, nor do I want to change too much in that aspect: I never really was loved much in the family due to being my father’s kid, and after I had enough, I openly antagonized the family since I wasn’t gonna take that lying down. My mom and an aunt are the only exception, but aside from them, that entire burning ship can keep sinking, I want none of it. Hearing my mom say “yeah, you were right, this family fucking sucks lmao” felt really good.

I’m pleased with how far I’ve come, really, and that’s another important point here: You gotta be good to yourself, recognize your growth, and celebrate your victories. Because no one else will. You’re on your own, and if you don’t give yourself that love or kindness, well, who will? And you deserve it. You may not believe me right now, but trust me, you deserve it. You really, really deserve to be able to look at the mirror and not see a disappointment. You really fucking do, believe me. I’ve gone from suicide waiting to happen to working on getting my Magister’s degree. I’ve gone from getting shitfaced daily to having the charisma to influence others. It feels good as fuck, man! You also do this. Start little, aim for little goals, like “showering” or “eating” (if this sounds like a joke, it isn’t; I understand that even these things are immensely difficult when you are depressive, I’ve been there), and then think about how you’ve progressed. You went from having bad hygiene to showering daily. You went from spending all day in bed to getting some food in. Fucking good on you, I personally congratulate you. Today, it’s a shower and a sandwich. Tomorrow, it’s a job and a hobby. The day after, it’s the reflection in your mirror and how proud you are of the person in there and you don’t cry every day anymore. Shine, diamond. You fucking deserve it.

Ever since coming clean about these things and disowning that piece of shit, honestly, my life’s improved. My life’s been good the last three years! I’ve had fun. I’ve matured a lot, I’ve grown a lot. I still have much to learn, absolutely, but I am happy that I’ve learned what I have so far. I’m in that Cloud Nine Freight Train now, I dropped all the tickets to the Depress Express, ‘cause I don’t wanna be in that train anymore. Getting over depression is never as easy as “think positive :)” haha, man, I wish it was, but, but! Thinking positive is a good start. A small step, but a good one, because from thinking positive, you got to acting positive, and living positive, and so on until the depresso days are gone, in the past, and are a thing you write lengthy Read Mores about with the hope of helping others get through their own depressive periods.

You never stop growing. Years ago, I thought I had it all figured out: Just cut people off if they are a negative for you. I thought I had learned a lesson, see? Because I used to be extremely forgiving, and it bit me in the ass, so I figured, do the opposite! Well, that was dumb as shit, too. You can’t do that, either, because then you just burn bridges eternally for the littlest shit, when real maturity is being able to look for options first before taking drastic measures. Balance is important. Don’t go black or white. Correct answers usually lie in the grey or gray. Moderation and all that. I’ve reached out to people I felt I unjustly cut out, for instance. With some, we speak again. With others, we simply buried the hatchet and decided to go in different directions. Of course, there were people who deserved getting cut off, so I haven’t bothered talking to those, nor I think I will, but those, in a way, serve as a good reference point as to what is “tolerable” and “actually actively malicious”. This paragraph is in reference to those posts I see sometimes that are like “if someone is a negative influence, cut them OUT of your life!” I used to be that way and I regret it because I’ve come to realize, especially lately due to something that happened not long ago and the other person’s completely understandable reaction in front of the situation, that it’s something that has planted the seeds of doubt and paranoia in older friends of mine. I’ve no one to blame but myself for those seeds. Actions speak louder than words, so I want to show accordingly that I am not like that anymore. It’s true that negative aspects ought to be cut off of your life, but do understand that you need to have good judgment and not do it just like so. Talk to the other person, let them know that they are being toxic, and tell them you want this to change because you want to remain friends but you can’t with them like this. Of the people I’ve cut off completely years ago, as I said before, with some I talk again, with some, I don’t, and others that I feel truly wronged me, I didn’t even try to contact them again. Well, even thought there’s a group I didn’t even contact again, I still regret not having let them know I was parting ways with them or that they were being dicks to me. Were they wronging me? Absolutely. Do I want to forgive them? No. But that doesn’t mean just cutting them off with no prior notice or even a chance for contact was right in the slightest. I regret that. I don’t want to talk to them again, but I do wish I had talked to them prior, because it’s only human decency. Talk to the other person, please. It’s only fair to them and to yourself. If you must cut them off after, or if it’s talking to them specifically with the intention of cutting them off, talk to them nonetheless. Communicate. You never know what might happen, and even if you have to cut them off, at least you did it the right way.

That’s all I have to say. If you can take something from this, then mission complete. Especially so with anyone depressive and/or suicidal that might be reading this, I hope it helps you in some way. Look at me. You can get out of it. You can beat depression. You can enjoy life again, or start enjoying it at all. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it, and every great achievement start with the small steps. Take the steps. You’ll be glad you did. Remember that you always keep growing, so set objectives to keep an eye on this growth. For example, right now my current objectives are to be less of a hermit, to show my writing in public again, and to embark in creative endeavors with others. Objective three, if you notice, directly correlates to the first and second objectives. Set goals and work towards them, and make them realistic, bucko. No need to aim for a Nobel Prize right off the bat.

You have this shit in the bag. Best of luck!

[whats-my-question]

You’re Not a Freak - Part 1

Summary: Fitting in the normal world with your powers has never been easy but when Happy calls asking where (y/n) and Peter are because of an incident, will your freak life fall apart?

Word count: 1,728

Pairings: peter parker x reader

Warnings: cursing, mentions of being abandoned, angst, a touch of fluff

A/N: this is my first fanfiction and I'm glad it’s about peter. Let me know what you guys think! I’d love the feedback! I’m gonna make this a series so yeah hope you guys enjoy it :)

“What book are you reading now?” A tall girl with pulled back curly hair showing a forever changing streak of color sarcastically said while walking to your locker

“Hello to you to MJ.” You say letting out a chuckle as you close the book and start walking with her, “ Also its Z: a novel of Zelda Fitzgerald.”

“Of course it is! Why am I not surprised by that?”

“Oh shut up!” Both of you break out laughing, entering the loud and bustling cafeteria, you two walk to the food line then to the table, never breaking conversation about the book.

“Hey MJ! Hey (y/n)!” A dorky boy with a haircut that made you think of the 90s said smiling and waving while sitting next to who you knew to be his best friend. His friend looked up from his notebook making eye contact with you then gave a faint smile making your heart melt. Peter Parker was a die hard geek who wasn’t like all the others at Midtown. Besides the fact he's Queens’ very own Spider-Man, he’s so god damn attractive. Over the past few years you two have gotten close thanks to Tony taking him under his wing and all but feelings started to bloom for the brown eyed boy.

“‘Sup Ned? And fuck you Peter.” MJ sarcastically says letting out an evil laugh. You nudge her arm giving her a look, “What? Peter knows I’m joking!”

“Uhhh... D-Do I though?” Peter genuinely asking

“See, I told you...” Sticking my tongue out at her then glancing over at Peter who smiled graciously. “You might be friends but…” before you could finish, your phone started to ring and normally you’d leave it but when you saw Happy’s name, you knew it was important. “Umm... I gotta take this. I’ll be right back so don’t eat my tots.” Giving an all knowing look towards MJ’s direction while slipping far enough away where no one could hear you.

“Hey listen, are you at school? You haven’t ditched or anything right? Have you seen Peter? Is Peter at school too? And I don’t mean ‘yeah I saw him this morning but haven’t since’, I mean like you can see him right now or you have seen him in like... the past 10 minutes?” Happy questioned quickly, which surprised you.

“Happy, please calm down. Breath in and out. You know ever since Tony made you Peter’s babysitter a few years back, you’ve been more uptight?” you giggle before continuing, “Anyway… Yes I’m at school and so is Peter; we have lunch right now and before you called he was sitting in front of me. Is everything okay? Is everyone…” your breath started to become shallow thinking something had happened to Tony or Wanda or to any of them. As your thoughts lingered while your mind lead you to a point where you’re sure your heart stopped.

What if Steve... had… died.

You don’t know how or when you figured it out but you could control animals. Hell you can even communicate with them. You were like a Disney princess, a heavily fucked up one but that was still pretty dope to you. Once your powers came into play, it was at home then daycare then at school, there was always some kind of incident happening. You don’t remember when your biological parents left exactly but all you knew was they abandoned you. That’s something you still can’t could wrap your head around after all these years, how could they just dump a child in the middle of nowhere. Well, you knew why, you were a freak. You are a freak. But After some time of forging on your own, you were spotted and rescued by none other than Captain America Steve Rogers himself. He took care of you and gave you an unconventional yet stable home and family. Even though he couldn’t legally adopt you, that’s how your relationship felt. He was your father and you were his daughter; he has cared more about you than your real parents ever did.

With Steve came a bunch of great people you got the privilege of calling honorary aunts and uncles. Your life was finally coming together. But with pieces falling into place problems are bound to come up, ones you never realized were problems. The most important one, made itself known some time after you moved into Avengers Tower. Every night for the first year you were haunted by the memories. The memories of how much your parents loved you before they found out, memories of the accidents and injuries you never meant to cause, and most importantly the memories of being alone. They tore at you, making you bitter; not only did Steve notice but everyone else did too. What really effected you is that the Tony Stark, 'Mr. I only care about myself’, so you thought, noticed and helped you. They all did because they all felt bitterness towards something. Wanda had what happened to Pietro and the experiments they did on them. Steve had what happened to Bucky and not being able to live a life with Peggy. Tony with his relationship with his father and how he felt towards Bucky, even though he knows it wasn’t his fault. The list could go on and on. Everyday you remember what Tony told you, ‘Everyone has something that makes them resentful but the way it’s dealt with is what can make or break you.’ He also made you feel better by adding “And just because you're different doesn't make you a freak.”

After a few years of training, a few animal bites and a few broken bones, you finally learned how to regulate your powers for when you truly needed them. Okay, okay sometimes you’d use them when you were bored or lonely. Since you’ve had a hard time making friends, animals were always there for you. At first Tony was a hard ass with implementing the ‘no animals inside’ rule, which you broke the first day you moved in. Now a days its the ‘they make a mess, you clean it up’ rule, which you agree with and follow.

“(y/n)?” Happy questioned breaking you from your thoughts

“Yeah.”

“Did you hear what I said?”

“No, yeah, I did.” you lied hoping he’d say it again

“You need to stop hanging with Tony in his lab. You’re starting to lie just as much as he does.” He trails off making you laugh a little. “I need you and Peter to stick together and not lose sight of one another for the rest of the day. Then after school go wait in the library until I call you to pick you up, okay?”

“Got it… Anyway, you know I wasn’t listening to a word you said before so…will you ease my mind, is everyone okay?”  the lump in your throat growing again.

“Yes, everyone is okay (y/n). Please don’t worry too much okay?”

“Yeah… I’ll try not too…” 

The two of you said your goodbyes and you walked back to the table. Letting a little huff escape from your mouth as you sat down. Peter intently watching your every move but you hadn’t noticed as you were deep into thought. The uneasy feeling that was starting to fester its way into your body is something that you’ve never been able to shake no matter how hard you try and no matter how many missions have past. Happy said not to worry, everyone is okay; you have to believe that, he wouldn’t lie to you. He wouldn’t, right?

“Hey (y/n), is everything okay?” Peter could sense how tense you were and he, well anyone, could probably see it

“Oh… Um…Yeah…” obviously lying, “Well… Uhh… Hey do you wanna walk to our lockers together?” (y/n) barely getting the question out before making eye contact with Peter. She could see Ned out of the corner of her eye smirking and suddenly felt her face get heated as she started to squirm in her seat.

“I-I wou…” He started saying but got cut off

“We always do, so why are you askin’?” MJ turning her head looking at you quizzically

“Uh… Actually…” (y/n) began to reply before Ned spoke up

“Why don’t you and I walk together today? I mean we do have the same class right after lunch.” Looking at MJ waiting for a reply right when she was about to answer the bell rings

“Come on Ned, let’s go!” MJ laughs grabbing his arm while waving bye

You and Peter get up to throw away your trash and start heading to the lockers. Wondering how to bring up what Happy said without freaking Peter out or slipping into a panic attack yourself. All you know it has to be tactical since Peter will just bombard Happy with a thousand calls and texts; which is the last thing he needs right now.

“What’s going on (y/n)? Who was that on the phone?” Peter nervously touches your upper arm trying to get you to relax but his action does the complete opposite

By that touch alone made you forget every word that was going to come out. After a couple of seconds went by you were able to muster out what Happy told you.

“It was Happy… He asked if we were at school and haven’t left. Said he wants us to stay close to each other… Also after school, we are to go to the library and wait to get a text that he’s here to pick us up.” Tears starting to swell in your eyes, “Happy reassured that everyone is okay and not to worry but… Peter…” As soon as his name left your lips, he had engulfed you in a hug as the tears streamed down your face. Usually you’re not one to break down in public but knowing you both had study hall next made it easier to slip into Peter’s hug. Thankfully the halls were pretty empty from kids shuffling to their classes to take notice. You finally pulled away from the hug, wiped the tears from your cheeks, and started the walk to Ms. Warren’s room. All the while Peter had his arm around your shoulder. More things were falling into place and you hope it stays.