#hope for more opportunities to use them
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(Idk if someone asked this already) since we’re on the topic of gender
sci what is gender to you and how do you see it in you and how you express it in your art?? (Just a young queer artist who wants some light shined upon them 🥺)
i 'unno ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
#gender is soup#sci speaks#i'm so sorry i know you might hope for something profound but... i think when i'm put on the spot like this i can't say anything really#i think whatever i am is definitely pervasive in everything i write#but like.. gender means something different to wade than it does for peter.#just like it'll be different for everybody. we make different associations based on our experiences and our trauma.#like.. wade associates femininity with love. because of his mother. associates masculinity with violence. because of his father.#peter associates masculinity with responsibility. because of uncle ben. associates femininity with confidence. because of aunt may.#i think there's all kinds of reasons why we choose to present the way we do. and what gender means to us.#just like we'll associate a colour with something. or a smell with a memory. it's complicated.#i don't think i'm some kind of expert on gender things but... i just find it interesting to explore. the psychology of it.#i don't think it's supernatural. it doesn't come from nowhere. but it should be a playground.#i don't think anyone in this world should be restricted to a certain role to play. i want to try all the roles and see how it fits.#see how well i can play them.#maybe because i haven't found one that quite fits. so i want the opportunity to try whatever i can. see what feels right.#i think it would be fun to be a wife. i think it would be fun to be a husband. i think it would be fun to be a firefighter. i think it wo#shrugs. different outfits for every day. different roles to play.#today i'd like to try...#i think it's like kids learning how to be adults by playing pretend. by playing roles.#i'm learning more about myself and other people and fitting into the world by trying on different roles.#kids playing house. you be the mom. i'll be the dad. yadda yadda.#i still feel like a bit of a kid who hasn't figured out how to be an adult yet. so i'm still trying out roles to see what fits.
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I get that you don’t like Taylor but can you not see paramores growth as band because of the eras tour they seem so happy to be on that stage every night be grateful for that
first of all i don't really understand why you're coming for me over post that isn't even mine. second of all i'm allowed to be a fan of a band and be critical of them at the same time, and i've expressed my disappointment over this since the tour was announced. i'm not gonna beat a dead horse and bring up why i'm critical of this tour again in this answer, but the act of them being on this tour really says a lot about them for me in a negative way, and i think it's hypocritical of them after preaching about sustainability and equal rights for all.
paramore is also not some small indie band no one has heard of. they've been doing this for 20 years, they've sold out big venues, played madison square garden multiple times, they played their biggest show ever on the this is why aus&nz tour with 26,283 tickets sold in sydney. multiple of their biggest songs on spotify is close to a billion streams and they have 21 million monthly listeners. all this growth they've done, they've done on their own- sure it's nice that more people discover them, but they didn't need this tour to be successful. they already were.
also for me personally, this tour leaves a bad taste in my mouth. i come from a country where if i'm lucky they tour once every album cycle. i've been lucky to see them 2 times and the last time was in 2017. they played a festival so i didn't get to see a full set. they've been to my country four times total and 1 concert wasn't a festival. the eras tour didn't have a show in my country, and i wasn't about to fight swifties for tickets that are extremely expensive. in the end my friend ended up having a spare ticket to one of the vienna shows bc the person they were originally gonna go with ended up not being able to go, and i was asked if i wanted to go. me and this friend first became friends bc we both liked paramore, and they've never been able to see them live. travelling to vienna to have that experience together, i would sit through 3h of taylor swift for. i spent close to 2000 dollars on the whole trip including the ticket, for it to end up being cancelled. very happy we didn't die, but it still sucked to have spent all that money and the not be able to go. especially since this would've been my friend's first paramore live experience.
i'm happy they're having fun playing their greatest hits for 3 months. i'm happy for my mutuals who's been able to go and have had a good time. the money they earn will probably go to their new label, and hopefully we won't have to wait 5 years for new music. but don't tell me to be grateful.
i try my best to make this community a welcoming space. i try my best to contribute with gifs and edits, and post news when there are news. i've hosted countdown events, i've hosted/made zines, i've hosted gif challenges. i want to do all these things bc it's fun to be part of this community and i love the friends i've made here. but i can still do all those things, and not have to kiss paramore's ass. i can still express myself and speak on the things i don't agree with bc it's my blog. we've had "debates" in my inbox before, people have expressed their opinions on paramore before, and it's always respectful which i appreciate. we as a community can disagree on things and still be a community.
#i hope for the next album paramore will tour more#there still hasn't been an asian tour#they have fans outside the us who support them and want to go to their shows#just give us a chance#and i wish i didn't feel like less of a fan for not being born in the us#and not being able to participate in all the opportunities the us fans have#ask#anon
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shout out to "silent/emotionally repressed&troubled assassins who will do everything to protect the person they cherish the most" fr 🤞, gotta be one of my favorite genders
From L to R : Kaguya (@melonchanverse), Kana, Dima (@eternitas) - my brain activated and connected the dots
#khr#khre#khr oc#oc#einart#shirayuri kaguya#ninomiya kanako#dimitri#the voices in my head told me to draw them 🫡#it's just a sketch but i still hope i did them some justice#ive been wanting to draw dima for a while so i grabbed the opportunity! he's so ikemen sjdvfhsfvghsdf#kaguya is so cute aaaaaaaa#she's the smolest one here shfvghsvgs#kaguya+kana height difference with dima is so funny to me#anyway gradient maps are so op for small sketches like these what the hell#i should use it more
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can russia and north korea just nuke us already this is hopeless
#sorry to be so fatalistic on main i just have zero faith in the american public atp#i just rly wanted to believe that more americans couldve used this opportunity to prove to the rest of the world that we arent all a bunch#of sensationalist/conspiracy-driven/aggressively braindead/violent/bigoted alt-right lunatics#& i never had much faith in kamala & walz to begin with obviously im incredibly cynical towards these status quo gatekeepers and the#downright impotence of the neoliberal democratic party#but this wouldve been an easy swerve away from dozens MORE of horrible awful inhumane policies that will ultimately vanquish#the quality of life for the entire american working class like myself and our already pisspoor education system and our lousy#climate change policies and impossible living standards#but no unfortunately there is no way in hell for americans to prove even a modicum of intelligence or worth we're all basically suicidal#and despite my own immense yank bashing tendencies and complete disdain for our government i really wanted this country & my ppl to defy#our own reputation of being so fucking stupid and backwards i really did. in the tiniest little place of my heart was legitimate hope#& a tiny bit of patriotism thats now been squashed completely & this was just another large-scale international humiliation that we legit#voted that guy BACK IN after everything that has happened the last four even eight years. its unbelievable.#again obviously i dont like kamala but it still wouldve been a grand opportunity to stall against what the gop is already destroying#and with push and shove we could have made slight progress forward as a country and try to protect our social programs#be it as flawed as they are and with enough support we could have strengthened them a little. make drugs less expensive. continue forward#with clean energy decreasing our use of fossil fuels even more.#protect our education system so the up and coming generations could receive higher standards of learning than what the rest of us had#NO ABSOLUTELY NOT. im too poor to continue living here and im too poor to fucking leave !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#SORRY THIS WAS EXTREMELY EXTREMELY EXTREMELY LONG THANK U FOR READING IF U DID MY BRAIN FEELS LIKE MUSH RIGHT NOW SO I DONT KNOW HOW#INTELLIGIBLE THIS MAY OR MAY NOT BE#and if this makes anyone mad @ all then ill just delete it cuz by god i dont need more grief and self hatred !#txt
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I'm getting the feeling that I'll be seeing a lot of Zionists' comments on my posts unfortunately, but I'll inform everyone about them if you want to block and move on
This was off my strike posts earlier
If you missed the last one I had posted
Let's not forget that Israel refused HAMAS's deal to release hostages, by the way.
And just the other day, I found out that Israel's always had a plan for ethnic cleansing and recommend everyone to look into what's known as Plan Dalet created back in 1948.
Peace was never in Israel's plans -- genocide was.
Reminder: Bisan has called for marches for Ceasefire between today to the 20th, and there is an ongoing strike that started today extending to the 25th.
#free palestine#palestine#free gaza#gaza#ceasefire now#ceasefire#i know syrma and i were talking about it before#about how it sounds like zionists are also getting hired to posts and counter or whatever#which i don't really understand in full tbh#but i thought to use this opportunity also to talk about palestine more#and about how this has been going on since 1948#if all else i feel like you need to at least know plan dalet#my friend and i from home are listening to an audio book called 'the ethnic cleansing of palestine' by ilan pappe#who is actually an israeli historian but he talks about all of israel's plans for how to conquer palestine#i'm still not done with it and i want to proceed further with it but i've been busy#anyways#i don't exactly have the energy to combat every single zionists comment on my posts#i feel like i only run into them by accident but i'm gonna try to not waste my energy to argue#there's better places to use that energy. like informing yall on some history and talking about marches/strikes#anyways i hope everyone's doing their part the best they can
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There is gonna be more than that coming from the poll, but whatever it is vote Kacchan/Deku for best hero. Idc who wins i just need them to be together again
if they just announced it today without saying anything before, I would probably immediately do it.
Right now im just bitter because of the hype -I thought it would at least slightly relate to the actual story (adaptations of other stories, extra content for the volume which once again may I remind everyone is extremely short, almost half what a manga volume usually looks which is a huge problem).
This disappointed me extremely, as its not even related to any content from the manga beyond the characters it uses. I get that many ppl will work on this, and that artist will get excited over being able to get the spotlight, some will be able to ask specific questions, and a character will get a statue and a movie.
Still extremely disappointed because of the "special project will be announced on the 5th *wink wink*".
I can't feel excitement over it as, in my mind, I lost something that felt better -more content related to the story. So at best this would be "oh cool I can try it", a feeling pretty similar to the other announcements -not my favorite thing in the world, but I wont reject it and try to see what comes out of it.
This isnt at best to me right now
#grrr talking#grrr being a hater#literally one of the special things was already announced -the fan book#bc im feeling negative I will say negative stuff here so beware#as far as I saw the fan book is a way of getting another product without paying artists#and days before we already knew it would happen#the statue thing feels like the art exhibition like okay thats cool still doesnt compare to more stories like at all#and I will never see any of that in person ever so why would I get extra happy about that?#I know this is an homage so we can feel like we are closer to their world and all but the statues have a bad connotation there#vote so we can see the protagonist and the deuteragonist in a movie#im sorry why do we need to massively vote so they get content? they are literally the most important characters#and what would even be the movie about? For all I know they could do whatever they wanted with the characters#a movie based on who the most popular character is... great. unless passionate ppl are involved in the project it doesnt sound like a good#a good story could come out of it#as its based on who is most popular among voters not an actual story the characters need#so unless 278 characters already have backstories and stuff planned that would get explored in a movie#i dont trust what they could do with this#and I dont want to give them my hope. They didnt need to make an announcement for the announcement#that only has made me feel super bitter#will I get over it later in the day? probably#I still want to express myself#the only thing in my mind about using this opportunity is still bitter lmao#just asking why didnt you make them hold hands#because I can try to justify it with my own theories#but that doesnt mean anything now does it
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Having self worth issues about the stupidest shit possible so lets focus instead on my courgette plants that are now FLOWERING
#I'm actually going to describe what i'm mad at myself about so#We can all roll our eyes about it together#Myself & another activist are the main ones pushing our local Palestine solidarity group to do more BDS actions.#& we had two events about it this week. One had less than 10 people show up including the two of us#WHICH ACTUALLY. IS NOT BAD AT ALL GIVEN THE SIZE OF THE TOWN#Population percentage wise that's like having 7500 ppl turn up at ur event in Dublin!! I should feel good about it#And then today on no notice I was asked to speak to a crowd of ppl about BDS#So I. Just kind of winged it. Wung it. Gave a very basic intro to bds & namechecked some companies & mentioned upcoming local events.#& then after that when talking to ppl in the crowd it transpired that all of them already knew the info I shared#But had little hope that anything we can do will have any effect in stopping the genocide & freeing Palestine#So i'm GUTTED I wasted an opportunity to mention the very real and very many successes of BDS & other boycott movements around the world#& also am having major imposter syndrome about presuming to be able to speak about BDS to an audience of ppl who are as knowledgeable as me#If not moreso!#So between these incidents & learning recently that someone I considered a friend doesn't consider me a friend i'm.....sad!#Local woman has self worth issues about not being able to single handedly end a genocide. And topple the western empire.#And not having many friends in her late 20s.#Its grrrrrreat 🙄
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just ended up sending in feedback about the layout to support. But I have to say it here too, this new layout is such a pain in the ass to figure out. I hated twitter's layout for the same reason, its so annoying to use and everything feels so cluttered and squished in and distracting... it's actually headache inducing.
I really wish I had the option to switch back. I wish there was an option to CHOOSE between the two layouts. I wish I had the choice to opt out of "testing" this thing.
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it" really should have been brought up before they even tried making this. It was fine before, and now the new layout is completely different and frustrating when it didn't need to be.
If I wanted Twitter's layout, I would have just fucking gone to Twitter.
#tumblr update#tumblr upd8#new layout#i'm so frustrated#i didn't want this at all#this was the last website I actually felt like I could navigate#youtube has become annoying to use#twitter is atrocious#i don't want to touch facebook with a 40 foot pole#instagram seems like a pain in the ass#it's slowly looking like I should just cut the line and quit using the internet altogether#but i'd lose all my opportunities to actually have a social life#and i wouldn't be able to share my art#but AI is ruining that too#and my social situation is such a complicated fucking mess#Like I want to reach out to some of my old IRLs but I don't know what they think of me or if they even want to hear from me#I deleted my discord without warning in 2020 and I feel guilty about it. And some awful shit was happening and I should have talked to them#idk. sorry for the dump. might delete the more personal tags later#it's just depressing seeing everything fall apart like this when I already feel like I have too many holes in myself to patch#or maybe this is just what my 20s are gonna be like. I hope not.
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There is a particular subgenre of post I keep seeing on this webbed site wherein people denigrate individualistic cultures but talk about collectivistic ones like they’re the absolute best thing to happen the world and have no flaws of any kind and I really have to wonder how many people making or reblogging those have actually had the opportunity to live in both
#ch.txt#like don’t get me wrong american individualism is a special kind of fend-for-yourself hellscape#and I get that that’s probably what a lotta these idiots are trying to push back against#as the english-speaking internet is like. infested with us#but like. realistically both cultural models have both profound positives and negatives#and it is easy to miss the social issues of a culture you are not a part of. smthng about the grass being greener on the other side or w/e#like i do not know how to adequately describe to you what I’ve seen social pressures alone do to people in south korea when I lived there#but I do not think the need to fit in permeating every facet of not only a person’s being but also opportunities and future is a good thing#and when I see those posts I can’t help but think of the droves of people who got plastic surgery to fit within a narrow beauty standard#under threat of never being employed#or how people throw themselves off bridges for doing poorly on college entrance exams#or all the social problems that arise from confucianism#or even just how I rarely saw people venturing outside one of two clothing colors: black or white#or how autistic people there are percieved as subhuman monsters for inability to conform#hell I actually felt the judgment and pressure of that last one personally#and that’s saying a lot bc a lotta people will give an obvious foreigner more room to be eccentric#at least far more room for that than they would have given to another (at least perceived) korean#but there is a limit to the amount of both awkwardness and individuality the average person there will tolerate#like these things are all extensions of collectivism in the same complicated way that ppl kicking their 18 year olds onto the streets#is ultimately just one of many terrible ways in which individualism is expressed#and all these things are not universal to collectivistic cultures. but the conformity is born from and influenced by collectivism#it’s too fucking complicated and multifaceted to dub one or the other as fully good or bad!#and frankly there is far too much of both for you to even call one better than the other!#i don’t have the mental bandwidth to break down the hows and whys of all these social issues but I hope I have at least conveyed something#disclaimer: I do love south korea and I miss a lot of things about it#but every place on earth has its issues and living there for years will inevitably teach you about at least some of them
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I have a great many ideas about the sillies buzzing in my head at all times buT I've been thinking about the mischief of Wei Wuxian, certified talisman genius, could create with the creation of tickle talismans for a While
First things first, there's the question of when in the timeline he'd create them, either before the Cloud Recesses lecture era, or later in his second life, after the plot concludes (both have their merits but for the sake of making all my hcs make sense I'm choosing to go with the first scenario, in which Wei Wuxian, as the Yunmeng Jiang head disciple always keeps a few of his pre-prepared tickle talismans in his sleeve, ready at a moments notice. Sometimes he wonders if ordering his shidis to catch him off-guard as training for both of them maybe wasn't his brightest idea, but he and his martial brothers are in to deep to stop now. They have Jiang Yanli tallying wins and everything!)
So consider, if you will, Wei Wuxian as a guest disciple in the Cloud Recesses, getting caught by Lan Wangji that night on the rooftops with his Emperor's Smile. And as is to be expected they fight. And yes, they are quite evenly matched and could go on and on with just their swords, but Wei Wuxian is a filthy little cheater and he's proud of it too. Rules exist to be broken, the Second Jade of Lan's composure exists to be cracked, it's as easy as that.
And so, he draws one of his tickle talismans out of his sleeve, quick as a snake, and throws it at Lan Wangji. He really did expect him to dodge, all his shidis would have. Everyone knows he likes to fight dirty, except, it seems, Lan Wangji. (Who for his part is quietly seething that not only did Wei Wuxian break curfew, and the rules about alcohol and fighting in Cloud Recesses, but now he's also broken the universal rules of a clean duel by sword! Unheard of! Absolutely shameless!!).
The talisman attaches to Lan Wangji's chest since the move is so unexpected that he didn't even think to dodge it, too focused on Suibian's blade, and both of them stop to gape at it. Lan Wangji because how dare Wei Wuxian use talismans in their sword duel, and Wei Wuxian because: What the fuck why didn't he dodge?? He genuinely did not expect that move to work, not on someone as skilled as Lan Wangji!
In the few milliseconds he takes to debate whether he should snatch it away or let it be, curious to see if the impeccably polished Second Jade could even be affected by such petty tricks, the talisman burns up and releases the magic stored within. Oops, too late now, Wei Wuxian guesses.
And then he watches as Lan Wangji's righteously incredulous microexpression give way to open shock, and then panic, and then shutters in embarrassment. It's dark, but Wei Wuxian's golden core is well developed so he can still see the tips of Lan Wangji's ears growing red, followed by a pink tint stealing over his cheeks and washing down his neck. Wei Wuxian knows from unfortunate experience (the first and last time he'd ever let Jiang Cheng get his hands on one of these talismans), that by now the tingly feelings it evokes have traveled to the spots the magic identifies as most sensitive, all the better to get his victim to forfeit.
Indeed, Lan Wangji looks to be struggling. Anyone else would have collapsed to the floor (or well, rooftop) by now, squirming and laughing their head off, but Lan Wangji is still holding on tight to the last threads of his composure, however futile the attempt. Wei Wuxian can hear the little huffs and barely audible whines he can't hold back, and knows that it's only a matter of time before Lan Wangji, too, will crumble under the influence of his talisman.
With anyone else, he would have jumped at the opportunity to tease until they begged him to shut up through peals of laughter. And it's not that he doesn't want to hear Lan Wangji laughing and trying to scold him uselessly all throughout, but Wei Wuxian just can't seem to open his mouth. He's too busy staring as the world's most beautiful man loses his composure at Wei Wuxian's proverbial hands, shaking now, hair doing nothing to cover his bright red ears as he slowly sinks to his knees on the roof, Bichen long forgotten hanging loosely in his grip.
And then, and then! He looks up at Wei Wuxian, cheeks pink and mouth twitching, biting his lip and shooting him the most flustered, baleful glare he's ever seen, like the moonlight isn't reflecting on the tears of mirth in his eyes and making him look ethereal and... and then he closes his eyes in defeat and his lips stretch into the most brilliant smile Wei Wuxian has ever seen... and then he curls into himself and starts laughing quietly, the embarrassed undertone clearly audible.
The sight of his smile makes Wei Wuxian dizzy, and he doesn't know why. All of sudden he knows that he needs to get away, that he can't take the picture of Lan Wangji falling to pieces beneath the moonlight if he doesn't want to go insane. There's absolutely nothing on his mind except the look Lan Wangji sent him before breaking into that beautiful smile and okay yeah he needs to get away, like right now, before the way his heart is thumping in his chest makes him fall to his knees right along Lan Wangji.
He thinks he might've stuttered out a helpless direction, meant to sound teasing but coming out embarrassingly breathy, about not falling off the roof in the quarter of an incense time the talisman will take to fizzle out, before he turns tail and flees to the guest disciple quarters, Emperor's Smile forgotten on the roof.
Lan Wangji watches him go through teary eyes, before finally relinquishing the threads of control he'd clung to to keep himself from laughing loudly while in Wei Wuxian's earshot. He can feel the heat in his cheeks intensifying as he thinks of the way he'll have to confess this to Lan Xichen, so his brother can mete out punishment for Lan Wangji breaking the rule against loud laughter in the Cloud Recesses. While endlessly embarrassing, it was still better than confessing it to the elders at Minghsi Pavillion. The thought makes him shudder and squeeze his eyes shut once again. No one had taken such liberties with him in more than a decade, only blurry memories of Lan Xichen smiling down at him while hiccups and giggles shake his body, so much smaller then than now, serving as proof that he'd ever even had to suffer through an indignity such as this before.
... and yet, even as he can't keep his laughter down and himself from leaning forward until he is resting his forehead against the cool roof tiles in his bid to make the horribly ticklish sensations just a little more bearable, he can't help but think about Wei Ying's wide eyed, astonished stare, and about the way he'd swayed forward subconciously, like he'd wanted to take Lan Wangji into his arms, hold him and fold his giggles into his heart.
Maybe, if this is what it takes to get Wei Ying to look at him like that, he'll bear it gladly, again and again.
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Oops got carried away an insane amount and wrote half a fic help. I have more ideas but this ask his already long enough lmao so that's it for now, i hope you'll like it!!
EVERY SINGLE ONE WAKEEEE UP AND LOOK AT THIS!!!! THE SCENARIO!!! THE CREATIVITY! THE JOY AND FUN AND SILLINESS! THE SLOWLY CRUMBLING OF BOTH LAN WANGJI AND WEI WUXIAN! THE DELIGHTFUL ENDING!!!! I DON'T THINK I CAN SURVIVE THIS!!!!!!
Tumblr is being unfair to me and I can't send reaction images but please imagine all the screaming, kicking legs, rolling on the floor, giggling, hugging my phone and slowly descend of madness that was me reaidng your ask over and over again because it!!! only!!! gets better!!!!!
I love love looooove how slowly Lan Zhan starts to lose his composture and, while he is the one wanting to giggle and laugh his heart out, Wei Wuxian is the one Almost Dying because my bro just realized he is Very Vey Gay AND!!!! DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ABOUT THE EXCHANGE OF GAZES WHEN LAN ZHAN DECIDES TO FREE HIS GIGGLES AND LOWER A BIT OF HIS BARRIERS AAAAA <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 And Wei Wuxian wanting to fall and hold him . I don't think I will ever be able to think about anything else ever again fr fr. Juno!!! Your scenarios are everything!!
#ALSO ALSO ALSO IT WAS A DETAIL BUT I LOVE ANY MENTION OF LAN XICHEN TICKLING LAN ZHAN WHEN THEY WERE KIDS BECAUSE <3 <3 <3 3 <3 <3#SILLY SMOL TWIN JADES HAVING FUN AND BEING SILLY JUST LIKE THEY DESERVE ARE EVERYTHING TO MEEEEE#<333#<3#Watch as Lan Zhan confiscates every single one of those talismans and start using them on wwx at every single opportunity he can#and then using them even more asn ''''''punishment'''''' because loud laughter is forbidden in Cloud Recessess#rip mah bro wwx you will be missed. jiang cheng will laugh at ur funeral but nie huaisang will sing beautiful ballads in your name#Juno is precious#Kanene's askys#mdzs tickles#mdzs tickling#mdzs tickle headcanons#Ticklish!Lan Zhan#Lee!Lan Wangji#Ler!Wei wuxian#[He's too busy staring as the world's most beautiful man loses his composure at Wei Wuxian's proverbial hands] <<< that part will#live in my mind rent free for the rest of my life i hope you know
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house is my babygirl
buggy is my specialest little subby guy
gojo is my bitch
I hope this makes sense to everyone
#buggy and gojo are also both babygirl but in subtly different ways#house is the ultimate brat#gojo is bratty but also a total princess#buggy ....isn't quite as bratty???? he's just a little dude trying to survive#and sometimes you gotta suck a dick to survive#and he'll have great fun while he's down there!!#good for him!!!!! good for him!#I headcanon that he legit wants mushy romantic vanilla stuff + lots of kissies with shanks#but shoots himself in the foot at every opportunity#and will let shanks fuck him but only in a rough kinky way in the hopes he won't have to acknowledge the depth of his romantic feelings :3#all while denying that he likes shanks at all and claiming he's just using him for his own enjoyment#ugh he's such a fucked up little guy. my fucked up little guy.#then angrily spends the rest of the night smacking his head off the wall when shanks is gone because#ughhhh he wanted to snog him so baddddddddddd forever#meanwhile shanks thinks buggy just wants 0 strings casual sex and he's disappointed and miserable and going along with it#only because it's a chance to be near him but is seriously thinking about calling a halt because it's Too Much Emotionally#like he's used to being a pump & dump kinda dude who's freewheeling around the grand line#but for the first time he kinda wants something more but buggy obviously DOESN't#right??? RIGHT??????????#:bites them and shakes them vigorously: RAHHHHHH
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one very good thing about Knowing Bugs that I hope to impart on people who are Afraid Of Bugs (that's okay!) even just a little bit is that once you get to Know bugs, you can feel something crawling around on your leg at night in your dark bedroom and when you turn on your light to look at it you can assess that hey. This Particular Guy is harmless and fine. and instead of feeling scared you can make that assessment and brush him off or put him outside or whatever feels comfortable to do and just go back to whatever chill thing you were doing! because hey you've Noticed and Observed enough bugs now to differentiate the ones that might be dangerous* from the ones that are largely neutral to you! and it's nice to have that knowledge because it helps you feel more secure in your environment (a home is an environment too!) and more comfortable and less scared, and it's always nice to be Less Scared I think <3
*disclaimer: even "dangerous" bugs are inherently valuable and worthy of their own buggy life opportunities, and with time you can learn to be very relaxed around them too! but at the same time if there is a tick crawling up your leg at night unfortunately you do have to recognize that and remove it :/
#anyway i guess I'm just thinking about how Knowing Bugs really requires a sort of exposure therapy. particularly for certain cultures.#(often western)#because being afraid of bugs is very much a cultural thing :( though it reasonably has it's evolutionary basis!#but millenia ago we were more immersed in our organic surroundings and the knowledge we relied on for survival included differeniating the#Dangerous To Us bugs from the Neutral To Us bugs from the Delicious To Eat or Beneficial To Us bugs! and we have distanced ourselves#from that knowledge in some cultures. and therefore we adopted the tendency to lump ALL BUGS into Dangerous!!! which makes them scary :/#but it can be unlearned!#i was afraid of small spiders (but not big ones haha!) and plenty of other bugs as a kid#but luckily i had a handful of good role models (shoutout to early 2000s Animal Planet lol....) and the opportunity to learn entomology#in college!!!#and now bugs are one of life's endless little gifts. they're always around anywhere you look and sometimes that has been very grounding#for me; and sometimes it's been the only positive thing i can recognize out of a shitty day or a bad season of emotions#so big love to the bugs of the world i guess!!#as a side note i really hope i can take that same exposure therapy outlook to some other things in my life. cuz boy do i fuckin need it :/#bugs#insects#entomology#arachnophobia#entomophobia
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Tag drop: Jing Yuan (incomplete, but the rest will be added behind the scenes) (... and a little return of Yelan's aesthetic, for I've missed her desperately)
#tag drop#jing yuan. [ history will make its own judgment. if i succeed; it will state that i am supremely confident in my masterful strategy. ]#jing yuan: ic. [ but if I fail; then all will state that i am neglecting my duties in wanton pleasure. preferring finches over my people. ]#jing yuan: inquiries. [ if you want to distract me with questions; i urge you to stop. / ah. how could you suspect such malice? ]#jing yuan: countenance. [ he is also a master of the arts of concealment. when he decides to “show” something: it's time to be careful. ]#jing yuan: introspection. [ the xianzhou has very few legends. for what room is there to create legends among those who do not die? ]#jing yuan: meta. [ have you memorized all that? / yes general. / very good. but only when you've forgotten it: will you be ready. ]#jing yuan: little notes. [ it is a warrior's game. singular encounters with endless possibilities. ]#jing yuan: wishes. [ the pieces are like us; each with its sentience. there is no going back on the board; how can one return to the past?#jing yuan: etc. [ only the truly wise can stand proud in front of the undefeated enemy called time. ]#jing yuan: the luofu. [ they name the xianzhou luofu as just xianzhou; but one is not the other. the luofu is the luofu. it is no more. ]#jing yuan: cloud knights. [ the cloud knights entrusted their lives to me. i shall not fail them. ]#jing yuan: wave-treading snow lion. [ how could i turn down looking after a long-extinct little animal to help continue its lineage? ]#jing yuan: high-cloud quintet. [ the past cannot be pursued; but the future can still be hoped for. ]#jing yuan: yanqing. [ it is my fault. i should have given him an opportunity already. “a sharp sword can't stay sheathed forever." ]#jing yuan: jingliu. [ in an endless night… there is nothing closer than the bright moon: always hanging in the sky. ]#jing yuan: blade. [ it is never wise to put down the hammer and take up the sword. ]#jing yuan: dan heng. [ bygones are bygones. but sometimes i wish things had turned out differently. ]#jing yuan: v. youth. [ ah. that carefree new cloud knight recruit. i was like that once upon a time. but it was a long while ago… ]
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it’s not that it makes me sad per se but i really could’ve been dating someone i did actually kind of really want to date since JULY. and now the moment is literally so far gone and i didn’t realise until the moment was so far gone !!!
#like it actually doesnt make me sad because there wouldve been major complications Had we dated#and the person who i trust most in this world has told me theyre glad it didnt happen#and i think in the long run he’s not the First person i should date anyway like in an ideal world we’d date like. 2-3 years on from now when#i’d been in at least one relationship to work out how i operate in a relationship#but it’s also like i wish i had known that the opportunity was there and i wish i had taken it#and part of me goes well maybe in 2-3 years it COULD happen#but i think that does a disservice to the person he’s dating now like . i do hope they’re happy and it goes well for the both of them#AND ALSO ITS WEIRD AS FUCK TO BE LIKE OH WELL MAYBE IN A FEW YEARS ILL DATE THIS PERSON *AFTER* another person??????#like bitch who do you think u are that you’ll have managed to date ANYONE in that time and also why the fuck would u date someone without#hoping it would last????????#but thoughts ≠ action nor are they inherently moralistic#but also that’s a weird way 2 think about relationships#it’d be funny if it happened though#idk i just think that if the timing was different he and i could have so much fun dating like genuinely i think it’d be a really good time#but it’s really weird because i’m not pining away after him or anything like ik it sounds like i am#but it’s not like that it’s more just that it’s opened up all these thoughts that i hadn’t really thought possible before ?#and they’re not possible NOW bc he’s dating someone else so i’m in exactly the same position but idk#i think i’m getting too settled. i’m TOO SETTLED.#because it’s literally not normal to think oh maybe in three years we could date and it’d be better timing for both of us ???????????#unhinged behaviour. what the fuck is that.#it’d be fucking hilarious if it happened tho
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people begging me to do something to make a certain someone happy aren’t taking into account that i hate this person and i will revel in the knowledge that i kept them from getting the most perfect version of what they wanted. in fact i hope they mourn the loss of this for the rest of their life and die unhappy about it
#i wish i could do worse. i wish i could go through and ruin everything i ended up giving them (all against my wishes) and i wish#i could ruin everything they love because god do i hate them and i will laugh when they finally fucking die#i have no idea why everyone glosses over all the shit this person has done to us and all the pain they’ve caused and i can’t fathom why#everyone wants to make them happy and why they’re willing to beg and bribe for me (and one other person who also hates them) to#give in but it is amusing and i hope they all fucking cry about it like oh nooo did poor [REDACTED] not get something they will never#get another chance to have ? oh well that sucks so bad for them i’m oh so sorry i caused that i can’t believe i managed to ruin their#chances for this how awful that this person i hate who has done and gotten away with so many horrible things didn’t get their perfect#little fantasy how sad we should all comfort them and call me a bitch who has no respect for anyone#god sometimes i wish i gave into violence more in the past bc i wish i got to fucking beat their ass up back when it would be self-defense#unforch i will never get to now. SAD!#i suppose i have murder fantasies and the thought of being able to ruin their funeral to soothe my soul#and the knowledge that i could make them fucking hurt by refusing to cooperate w them#and ough every time an opportunity presents itself for me to fucking take back what they took from me arises i have to fight myself#on it bc everyone will know it was me. i don’t even want what they have i just want them to know they will never get it back and#god it would upset them so much but they never should have had it in the first place ough if i get the chance before i ditch everyone here#for good i’d want to take it and stick around just long enough to hear how much they’ll cry about it before i fuck off#unforch i would need to know where all of their copies of things are but fuck i hate knowing they’ve taken so much from me bc i didn’t#get a fucking choice and they think they have to right to keep it all bc oh it makes them so happy they love having it they’re so fucking#afraid of losing it but it’d be so easy and i doubt they’d even notice for a while and i genuinely could disguise it as a mistake something#got misplaced some files corrupted etc etc but whatever this is fantasy a sweet little daydream of mine my second fantasy involving#them has smth to do with setting their house on fire and my third fantasy is desecrating their grave when the time comes#okay i’m done w this lalalalalala *skips off into the distance* i think revenge is not productive but god is it delicious to think about
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there are things that you don't do for a year or more and pick up just right where you left off and these days i fear loving you might be one of them
#double meaning on that but. yeah.#it's like. i haven't touched the imaging software i use for an entire year. soldering iron in decades. pick it right back up. to my surpris#muscle memory is crazy#i don't draw for months and pick up right where i was with a few sketches bc the work you put in stays even when you don't actively practic#when it's something you've practiced weekly and daily it sticks with you and ig that's good#but then it's like. the horrors. that haunt you. yk? what if a part of me will always save a soft spot for my ex. what then.#what if I'm fine now and I'm doing okay and i don't miss it and I think i'm okay moving forward and i see her and suddenly I'm on the floor#what if some part of me that was in love never really went away what if i haven't managed to kill all of it yet#bc i genuinely would not know what to do. i. i don't want to admit it but one of my worst fears is liking someone who doesn't like you back#and what's even more horrifying is if it's obvious. if everyone can tell. and usually I'm good at hiding it! (not really) but it's just. id#it's shame in liking someone who you tell yourself you don't want to like and you know you shouldn't. and not having control over it.#hoping praying that either she does something that turns the little switch in my head that sends her into the unforgivable category#or that i become straight. or that i become straight. mhm. yep. or ig the other option is i get a crush on someone new but like. mm.#i kinda have gotten w every person I've had a crush on since hs and i kinda don't think im ready for another rs so soon.#the baggage i just got is. hm. idk i kinda don't wanna unpack it. it's something that can easily be done if i had the missing pieces but.#i don't think I'm ever gonna get them. so. instead I'm gonna take. maybe another 3 months or 5 months or a year or a few. to just. slowly.#idek. it's just triggering old things. bringing me back to when i was 14. i never really got closure from that either. it took me 3 years.#I'm sure this time it'll go away faster but idk experiencing it a second time has a different feel to it. idk. it's weird.#it's like. idk. it's like you're watching it happen and you're not even there anymore. idk. i really don't know.#oh. I've been dissociating.#idk maybe it's for the best i really don't know i really don't know and everyone says i have to do what's best for myself but idk what is#my life is on track things are moving forward I'm doing better and healing but i can't escape the feeling of dread#something is going to catch up with me sooner or later and idk what it is idk at what intensity and idk if i will be ready for it#but anyway. when you love someone intentionally every day for a while. when does it go away? will it go away?#or will i have to live haunted by ppl who are alive but changed. so practically dead w/o the opportunity to mourn. for the rest of my life?#like i don't think i get it. loving this person was like. cooking and eating. intentional. ingrained into everyday life. effortful.#what if my mind does forget but my body still remembers. what then. what if it's like searching for sth you don't remember having anymore#ig I'm just trying to figure out how much to forget these days. how much won't hurt if it all comes back to haunt me#delete later
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