#honestly? my fictional husband is more important than my degree

[lavendel081]

Happy 1.6. Release Day!

[myshadesofwrong]

As a historian, who has a literal degree in this (primarily British monarchy with some French so a lot of my examples will come from them), I am begging you if you’re going to be anti-monarchy, at least know the facts so you’re no sprouting the same tired rhetoric over and over.

Or in other words, OP is right (about the fandom and the monarchy)

Rants like the reblog from hotaurea make me so mad because the world and institutions are not black and white. The world, people, and the things we create like institutions have both good and bad and most everybody exists in gray. That’s just a fact.

I agree with the OP. No institution is perfect and evolve. Wilhelm could have been the lynchpin to help his institution evolve. Because, believe it or not, the monarchy does do some good. First, hotaurea is right in a way., Anybody can advocate for issues and charities but the monarchy has something you and I don’t. A platform. Their tags about correctly exposing that particular part as ‘bullshit’ is quite literally wrong. Every royal has a cause. Whatever you think of King Charles of England, he has for years been a champion of the environment, highlighting farmers and natural causes. Do you honestly think that the reporters and press would give a shit if he didn’t show up. Same with Queen Camilla of England. She champions and works quite a lot with domestic abuse charities. Prince William, Princess Catherine, and Prince Harry all constantly give attention to mental health issues. And Prince Harry has his veterans work. Now, we all can go and help each of these very important issues but our impact is going to be nil to theirs. Why? The same reason everyone demands celebrities speak up about issues. Platform. People listen. Now we can have a debate on ‘worthiness’ certainly. That’s a fair debate. But the truth of the matter is as the royal family, they have the reach and the interest from the press to bring more attention to the issue. Please no not negate that impact.

As for the ‘homophobic’ accusation, tell me you’ve never done actual research on the monarchy, any monarchy. I can name FIVE LGBTQIA+ monarchs or members of their family right off the top of my head:

Queen Anne of Great Britain (1700s)

Philippe I, Duke of Orleans, brother of King Louis XIV (a known cross dresser as well, actually openly wore women’s clothing at Versailles)

Edward II of England

Ludwig II of Bavaria

And my personal fav:

James VI of Scotland and I of England.

James is a particular favorite because the man was at least bi-sexual and literally commissioned the fucking King James Bible. You know, the one that all the homophobes use as “proof” of homosexuality being a sin. Pull that out at your next party/family gathering. I love seeing people’s expressions when they learn that.

Anyway, if you think monarchies are homophobic, you have no idea of the history. Y’all, historically, royals are fucking wild. Many straight monarchs actually had lovers both male and female. Some did marry and have children while others never did. But here’s my point, they NEVER hid them. These affairs or favorites were paraded with pride throughout courts. Lovers were given prominent roles in households, on councils, were advisors. It is a very modern assumption or concept really that monarchies must be straight and private. Did some hide them, yes. But go back through history and you’ll find countless stories of favorites being paraded around in from of wives, husbands, and courts. And by repeating that concept, you’re propogating conservative rhetoric is trying to hide LGBTQIA+ history. It’s that simple. And let’s not even talk about sex parties and the actual proclavities of some of these royals. Seriously, look them up. You’ll find out the true meaning of truth is stranger than fiction.

Now we can have debates over finances (reminder royals are not actual leeching off of citizens. They do have their own inheritance wealth, as well as I believe real estate is a big one. Again, the origin of the that is certainly cause for criticism but they’re not getting paid by your taxes) and actual worthiness as hotaurea put it but can we please have a non-extremist discussion on monarchy. It’s not either/or. There are good sides and bad sides to it, even in modern times. Actually, I would say modern monarchies are actually more relevant than their colonizer and blood thirsty ancestors. Modern monarch/royals devote their lives to charities and causes. They have no say in most governments and are definitely not sending troops out to war. But I digress.

Anyway, this is getting too long. I just wanted to point out the flaws in hotaurea’s little rant and add that OP was right. Wille could have been the son of a CEO of a big corporation and the story wouldn’t have changed one bit. It made his decision less impactful because we are never shown the actual struggle Wille could have had. Because you will never convince me, a good PR person would not have seen the potential in Wille after his speech and would not have let him champion a LGBTQIA+ cause. Imagine if Fatima would have been like okay, but Wille chose to go the safe route? That makes Simon’s reaction and his own work more impactful in the series. He even tried to tell Wille but it was WILLE who did not want to listen. In the end, maybe if they had shown the good side of the monarchy, it would have made Wille’s decision even more impactful instead of it looking selfish and impulsive. Or he could have stayed and shown what having a platform for good actually is but OP is right. And believe it or not, there is such a thing as IVF where Wille could have had a biological child. Shocking I know. Or a surrogate. Stop ignoring these possibilities.

Lisa was too stuck on the same rhetoric above instead of creating an institution that would have been nuanced and more realistic instead of a one-dimensional villain twirling their mustache.

Too busy to write a 5k essay it deserves but neither the audience nor Wilhelm saw the actual monarchy as an institution worth fighting for or at least worth considering it.

The monarchy was completely absent from the show. You could replace it with a billion-dollar publicly traded company and it wouldn't change the plot. Concerns about public image? Check. Out of control sense of privilege? Check. Spoiled children of rich parents? Check.

No one from the unrealistically small royal family was given a chance to demonstrate or explore the gravity and the positive influence a thousand-year-old institution can have. Does the queen have causes she particularly cares about? Does she invest her time into fundraising for them? Does she think certain problems are overlooked by the society and does she use her celebrity status to draw attention to them? We have no idea, we only have been shown her caring about the public image of the institution she represents.

Same with Wille: in the show he was never given a chance to explore how his status could be used for good. Were there young people for whom his coming out meant a lot? Definitely, but we never heard about them. Would it be equally important for others if the crown prince started openly talking about his struggles with anxiety? For sure. This list is potentially endless but the creators were never interested in showing anything positive about the monarchy.

[jayoctodot]

The Silent Patient vs The Maidens

I will start by saying that I understand the appeal of these novels as page-turners. They are easy to read and if you want a twisty reveal at the end, you will probably be entertained and satisfied. That being said, I am SO CONFUSED by the near-universal adoration of The Silent Patient and the reasonably positive reception of The Maidens. The weaknesses of the two are strikingly similar, as well, which doesn’t give me much hope of seeing improvement from this guy, though I am intrigued to see whether he keeps repeating the same (apparently successful!!) patterns. These books were at least super fun to hate.

(For context, I read The Maidens for a bookclub I'm in, because several of the members had read and loved The Silent Patient, and one of them gave me a copy of the latter to read on my own time. I loathed The Maidens and then read The SP for comparative purposes. And because I'm a masochist, apparently.)

SPOILER WARNING! Do not read on unless you've finished both books (or unless you care not for spoilers). Sorry if it gets a bit shouty.

Here are the similar weaknesses I noticed in both:

PSEUDO-PSYCHOLOGY

-> Weirdly similar “group therapy” scenes early on where a cartoonishly unstable patient arrives late, disrupts the meeting by throwing something into the middle of the circle, and is asked to join the group after the therapist(s) speechify on the importance of boundaries (HA! None of these therapists would know an appropriate boundary if it kicked them in the ass) and debate whether to “allow” the patient to join. Both scenes are so transparent in their design to establish the credibility/legitimacy of the narrators as therapists, but instead both Theo and Mariana come off as super patronizing. The protagonists are less and less believable as therapists at the stories progress (though at least Theo’s incompetence is explained away by the “twist” at the end; Mariana, on the other hand, is confronted in the opening pages of the novel by a patient who has self-harmed PRETTY extensively, and rather than ensure he get proper medical attention, she essentially throws him a first aid kit and tosses him out the door so she can pour herself a glass of wine and call her niece... and it devolves from there).

-> Ongoing insistence throughout the narrative that one’s childhood trauma entirely explains the warped/dysfunctional way a character behaves or views the world, which is why the books go out of their way to give EVERY potentially violent character a traumatic childhood; when Theo insists that no one ever became an abuser who hadn’t been abused themselves, I wanted to throw the book across the room. (That is a MYTH, SIR. GET OUT OF HERE WITH YOUR ARMCHAIR PSYCHOLOGY.)

-> Female murderers whose pathology boils down to “history of depression” and “traumatized by a male loved one/family member.” Because, as we all know, depression + abuse = murderer!

-> The “therapy” depicted in both books is laughable and so so unrealistic, mostly because neither narrators function as therapists so much as incompetent detectives, obsessively pursuing a case they have no place pursuing (or skill to pursue - both just happen across every clue mostly by way of clunky conversation with all the people who can provide precisely the snippet of info to send them along to the next person, and the next… until all is revealed in a tired, cliched “twist”). Their constant Psych 101 asides were so tiresome and weirdly dated (also, the constant harping on countertransference got so ridiculous that at one point during "therapy" Theo literally attributes his headache and a particular emotion he feels to Alicia, as though the contents of her head are being broadcast directly into his mind... and I'm PRETTY SURE that's not how it works???)

CHARACTERS

-> Psychotherapist narrators with abusive fathers and pretensions of being Sherlock Holmes, which results in both characters crossing ALL KINDS of ethical lines as they invade the personal lives of everyone even tangentially connected to their cases (and, in Theo's case, violate all kinds of patient confidentiality. Yeah, yeah, by the end, that's the least of his offenses, but before you get there, it's baffling that NO ONE is calling him out on this).

-> All female characters are either elderly with hilariously bad advice, monstrous hulking brutes, or beautiful bitches (except for ~MARIANA~, who is Bella Swan-esque in her unawareness of her own attractiveness, despite multiple men trying to get with her almost immediately after meeting her. I'm so tired of beautiful female characters being oblivious to their own hotness. Are we meant to believe all mirrors and male attention have escaped their notice? If it’s to make them “relatable,” this tactic really fails with me).

-> All characters of color are shallow, cartoonish side characters, and most of them are depicted as unsympathetic minor antagonists (the Sikh Chief Inspector in The Maidens continuously drinks tea from an ever-present thermos, and his only other notable characteristic is his instant dislike of Mariana, whom he VERY RIGHTLY warns to stay out of the investigation that she is VERY MUCH compromising… the Caribbean manager of the Grove is universally disliked by her staff for enforcing stricter safety regulations at the bafflingly poorly run mental institution, because HOW DARE SHE. There's a very clear vibe that we're supposed to dislike these characters and share the protagonists' indignation, but honestly Sangha/Stephanie were completely in the right for trying to shut down their wildly inappropriate investigations).

-> "Working class" characters (or basically anyone excluded from the comfortably upper-crust, educated main cadre of characters) are few and far between in both stories, but when they show up, he depicts them as such caricatures. We got Elsie the pathologically lying housekeeper in the Maidens, who is enticed to share her bullshit with cake, and then a TOOTHLESS LEPRECHAUN DEALING DRUGS UNDER A BRIDGE in the SP. I kid you not, a man described as having the body of a child, the face of Father Time, and no front teeth, emerges from beneath a bridge and offers to sell Theo some "grass." I was dyinggg.

-> There are no characters to root for. Anywhere. Partly because they’re all so thinly drawn — and because we’re clearly supposed to view almost ALL of them as potential suspects, so they’re ALL weird, creepy, or incompetent in some way.

-> The flimsiest of flimsy motives, both for the narrators and the murderers. Theo fully would have gotten away with his involvement in the murder if he hadn't gone out of his way to work at the Grove and "treat" Alicia and his justification for doing so is pretty weak; his rapid descent into stalking and murder fantasy and his random ass decision to "expose" Alicia's husband as a cheater with a spur-of-the-moment home invasion and staged attempted homicide is ONLY justified if the reader hand waves it away as WELP, HE'S CRAZY, I GUESS (after all, he DID have an abusive father and a history of mental illness, and in Michaelides novels, that's ALL YOU NEED to become a violent psycho). I guess we're lucky Mariana didn't also start dropping bodies (because the logic of his fictional universe says she should definitely be a murderer by now... maybe that'll be his Maidens sequel?). But she especially had NO reason to randomly turn detective - and she kept trying to justify it by saying she needed to re-enter the world or that Sebastian would want her to (??), even though she had no background in criminal psychology... or even a particular fondness for mysteries (really, I would've accepted ANYTHING to explain her dogged obsession with the case. WHY were Sebastian and Zoe so certain she would insert herself into the investigation just because one of Zoe's friends was the first victim? WHY?). As for Zoe and Alicia, their motives are mere suggestions: they were both abused and manipulated, and voila! Slippery slope to murder.

WRITING STYLE

-> Incessant allusions to Greek tragedy and myth, apparently to provide a sophisticated gloss over the bare-bones writing style, which opts more for telling than showing and frequently indulges in hilariously bizarre analogies. Credit where credit is due — the references to Greek myth are less clunky in the SP, and I liked learning about the Alcestis play/myth, which I hadn’t heard of before - but OMG the entire characterization of Fosca, who we are meant to believe is a professor of Greek tragedy at one of the most respected universities on the planet, is just absurd. His "lecture" on the liminal in Greek tragedy is essentially the Wikipedia page on the Eleusinian Mysteries capped off with some Hallmark-card carpe diem crap. The lecture hall responds with raucous applause, clearly never having heard such vague genius bullshit before.

-> Super clunky and amateurish narrative device of interludes written by another character; Sebastian’s letter reads like a mashup of Dexter monologues and Clarice’s memory of the screaming sheep, but by FAR the worse offender is Alicia’s diary, where we’re supposed to believe she painstakingly recorded ENTIRE CONVERSATIONS, BEAT-BY-BEAT DIALOGUE, even when she’s just been DRUGGED TO THE GILLS with morphine and has mere moments of consciousness left… and even before that, she literally takes the time to write “He's trying the windows and doors! ...Someone’s inside! Someone’s inside the house! ETC ETC” when she thinks her stalker has broken in downstairs. WHO DOES THAT?)

-> Speaking of dialogue, the dialogue is so bad. Based on his bio, Michaelides got a degree in screenwriting, which makes his terrible dialogue even more baffling.

-> HILARIOUSLY rendered voyeur scenes where the narrators spy on couples having sex. Such unintentionally awkward descriptions. First we had Kathy’s climax sounds through the trees and then the bowler hat carefully placed on a tombstone before the gatekeeper plows a student. Again, I died.

PLOT/"TWIST"

-> The CONSTANT red herrings make for such an exhausting read. Michaelides drops anvils with almost every character that are so obviously meant to designate them as suspects in our minds. There is absolutely no subtlety in his misdirections.

-> The “crossover” scene between the SP and The Maidens makes no sense - when in the timeline does Mariana’s story overlap with Theo’s? They confer just before Theo starts working at the Grove, obviously (though Mariana appears to be the one who alerts Theo to the job opening there? Whereas in the SP, Theo has been obsessively tracking Alicia since the murder and had already planned to apply to work there?), but then are we supposed to believe that while Theo has been psychotically pursuing his warped quest to “help” Alicia, he’s also been diligently treating Zoe, so invested in her case that he repeatedly reaches out to Mariana to get her to visit Zoe and even writes Mariana a lengthy letter to convince her to do so??? And then a couple days after The Maidens ends, Theo is arrested???

-> But the thing I really did hate the most is how Michaelides treats his female murderers (who are both also victims themselves) as mere means to deploy a “twist”; there’s no moment spared to encourage our sympathy for Zoe, who was groomed and manipulated by the only trusted father figure in her life, and even after spending a decent amount of time getting to know Alicia via her ridiculous diary, where it’s so apparent that she’s been demeaned, objectified, manipulated, gaslit, and/or used by EVERY man in her life, she’s sent packing to spend the rest of her days in a coma… HOW much more satisfying would it have been for her to succeed in exposing Theo and reclaiming her voice? But no, she basically rolls over when he comes to finish her off (SPEAKING OF — ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THERE ARE NO SECURITY CAMERAS IN THIS INSTITUTE FOR THE CRIMINALLY INSANE????), writes one last diary entry, and drifts off forever. And then a couple pages of nothing later, the story is over. GOODNIGHT, ALICIA!

Both books kept me rolling throughout (by which I mean eye-rolling but also rotfl). Maybe I will check out his next effort — I’m morbidly curious what he’ll turn out. It does leave me wondering whether I should give up on thriller novels entirely, though. Are many of the weaknesses of these novels just characteristic of the genre? Maybe I'm just holding these books to unfair standards? I'm mostly only familiar with thriller films — many of which I think are amazing — but maybe you can get away with more in a film than you can in a novel.

...I really only intended to write a handful of bullet points, but more and more kept coming to mind as I wrote, to the point where subheadings became necessary. Whoopsie.

[scrimmification]

taking a self care day and was instantly hit with temptation so u know what. here’s that dhurkemara essay. but it’ll be under a cut because i’m polite like that

the following is some canon facts sprinkled in with mostly my own headcanons and opinions. but i’m right about everything. cw for mentions of trauma and aa6 spoilers.

i should actually start this by saying that i see a lot of polycule dhurke/amara/jove or dhurke/amara/datz and while it is cute i feel a bit weird about using a poly relationship as just a “oh he has two hands” solution to love triangles. not that poly relationships aren’t valid, but it’s usually just people putting characters together without thinking about how the dynamic would even function. as if a polycule is a band-aid solution.

but that’s not important because this essay is about why dhurke and amara should just be friends (post SOJ)

i do not respect capcom or its canon, but here’s a bunch of canonical soj facts that are kinda fucked up;      - when nahyuta is born, amara is 19 and dhurke is 20      - when the palace fire breaks out, amara is 21 and dhurke is 22      - there’s a gap of approximately 8 years of time where dhurke thinks amara is dead before they reunite and have rayfa (they’re each around the age of 30 at the time)      - there’s a period of time anywhere from 9 months - 1 year that they’re living together again before rayfa and amara are both kidnapped      - following this, dhurke never sees his wife ever again

because i have extreme brainrot, i sat down and feasibly considered the amount of time they would’ve been together. like, genuinely face to face together. if you only take into account the numbers the game gives you, then that means out of 25 years of marriage, they only see each other for about 3 of them. i tend to tack on an extra year or so for dating, but that’s still a really short amount of time, with almost all of it being before the palace fire ever happened. not to mention, they married incredibly young, and amara is royalty. typically royal families will push for children to be wed as soon as they come of age. 

there’s also the fact that canonically, dhurke was not wealthy to any degree. he mentions in a throw away line having a bunch of weird odd jobs including both farmer and street performer (side note, street performer dhurke is hilarious). considering amara was basically hailed as a goddess by virtue of existing, i kind of doubt they were childhood friends or anything before that. my own hcs for how they met and got married initially tend to fall into a romeo and juliet style of mushy romance. plucky lawyer steals the heart of the queen with his humble charm and promises to whisk her away kind of thing. idk i do actually think they were very in love when they were younger, and maybe like... TOO in love, but my essay and thoughts tend to skew towards characterization through how the two of them grow through their traumas. so let’s just go in order of events here;

the palace fire

i do not care what capcom tries to tell me, dhurke has burns. if amara has a giant chest mark from being in the fire for a very short amount of time, dhurke would have full body burns from literally breaking into and out of a burning building. do you know how hot fire is? it’s fucking hot. it’s also genuinely terrifying. my point is i hc dhurke has some form of pyrophobia.

the years after the palace fire and before rayfa is born aren’t given much canon information, but it is stated that amara is convinced dhurke was out to kill her and willingly lives in the palace outside of the public eye. she’s convinced that dhurke is evil and was trying to kill her for at least twice as long as they were married. that kind of skews your perception of a person, no matter how much you might have once loved them. even if you STILL love them, it’s different. feelings change with time, and i think that’s a really fun thing to explore in fiction. 

the rescue/rayfa’s birth

so here’s where i add the drama. just sprinkle it in. there’s a very sneaky line in the game that they kind of slip in during dhurke’s recounting of events around the time rayfa was born, and i have not stopped thinking about it for 2 years.

so plot wise, when apollo presses dhurke about lying about amara being dead, he talks about how he (somehow) got a tip that amara was alive and still being held in the palace. he broke in to save her and potentially run away with her, datz, and and nahyuta into safety, but they add something else in there. dhurke has a moment where he says she didn’t initially believe his innocence. and it’s kind of just played as a joke.

but because i like conflict and i do not write dhurke the same hyper-toxic-masculine way they do in canon because i think Men Should Be Allowed To Have Feelings i thought. man that must fucking suck. everyone in the entire kingdom thinks he’s the devil, and the one person he’s been doing it all for the sake of - his wife - initially doubts his innocence. of course this is obviously an understandable response. she was basically trapped and gaslit for nearly a full decade over an event that nearly cost her her own life (and would have to instead come to terms with the fact her own sister wanted her dead) but like it still. it would still suck to hear that from your spouse?

they were together for under a year, and in this time rayfa was born. this is probably my favorite window of time to explore a dhurke and amara relationship adapting because they would be such different people now. time already effects how you personally grow and adapt, but the kind of horrors they went to would drastically change them both. neither of them would be the same kids they fell in love with, and dhurke had just shipped one of his kids to america in an attempt to protect him. he’d already be down bad, but to have to deal with that, his wife not fully trusting him, nahyuta not knowing their own mother and most likely not trusting her initially, and also an entire pregnancy... that’d be an incredible amount of stress, on top of the fact they’re both living under the law. 

(sidebar; because of how weird they had to twist the timeline to make it so apollo was gone before rayfa was born so they never met, i tend to headcanon this as dhurke trying to send both his kids to america to protect them, but not being able to initially send nahyuta because of their royalty status, and it quickly becoming too late.)

something else that confused me was why the hell they’d even have another kid while they’re both trying to save themselves, and that... uh. okay maybe this is an unpopular thing to say in terms of headcanon, but i actually believe rayfa was an accidental birth. like logistically, if you see your wife for the first time in almost a decade, you’re going to do Something. and you don’t have protection in the mountains. i’m just. i’m just saying.

but all of that being said, more than anything, i think they’d still be in love during this point. or more accurately, i think they’d be trying to convince themselves they’re still in love. they wouldn’t be the same people anymore, but the only thing dhurke has left is his family. it’s the thing he’s fighting for, and amara would have just been told she can’t go back to her sister for her own safety. there’s this kind of pressure to stay together for both themselves and their kids. there’s also a part where dhurke implies that the two of them were planning on trying to escape khura’in together and cross country lines before shit hits the fan.

turnabout revolution

so if you’re a coward who actually considers canon, after rayfa and amara get kidnapped, dhurke never sees them again. sure, he gets spirit channeled by amara in the final trial, but he never sees her face to face, or gets a chance to speak with her. if you’re like me and simply refuse to believe your favorite characters die, then that means there’s a 14 year gap between the next time dhurke and amara speak to each other.

what’s the first thing amara does when they see each other again? accuse him of murder.

in fairness, she’s under threat of blackmail to do so. she’s trying to protect both her children at this point, and clearly had a role to play in inga’s murder herself that she doesn’t want to admit to. but at the same time, when apollo reveals that dhurke was actively hiding evidence because he still loved her, she seemed genuinely surprised. this revelation is the thing that gets her to actually go against ga’ran’s plot. there’s also the obvious point of her picking her children’s safety over dhurke’s entire revolution, and what he’s been working on for her sake for most of his life. and honestly I thinks she made the right and most understandable choice. the real part that makes me think they wouldn’t get back together after the events of soj (provided dhurke isn’t an epic ghost guy) is,

amara chooses her own safety over dhurke’s, while dhurke chooses her safety over his own.

dhurke’s a very hopeful character, a very jovial one. throughout all his screen time, there’s no point where he genuinely thinks nahyuta has betrayed him. there’s no point where he thinks apollo isn’t capable of handling the case without him. he clearly cares a lot about his family, and would do anything for them. this includes amara. he’s not asked to hide evidence for her sake, he just does it. at the risk of undermining his entire revolution and destroying it entirely, he tries to hide evidence that’d implicate his wife of murder.

amara’s more of a realist. she doesn’t give up information until she absolutely has to. she doesn’t even admit to loving dhurke until the last moment she’s on screen. the only lines in the game she has as herself are during the trial, and half the time she’s just telling everyone how horrible and awful and terrible her husband was. and again, i must say, this would probably suck to hear.

the aftermath

the country is kind of a little fucked after soj. sure, it ends on a positive note, kind of, but there’s both a lot of political stuff to fix. and a lot of family stuff to fix. dhurke basically has to rebuild his relationship with every single one of his family members (and in rayfa’s case, from scratch). while I do think marriage is important and stuff, I don’t think it’d be... the most important.

what i’m saying is i think they’d be friends. even if they stayed married, they’d have to relearn almost everything about each other. they haven’t seen each other in forever, and also amara just threw dhurke under the bus. that’d sting! i think he’d forgive her for that, but it’d sting. knowing your partner would have willingly let you and your entire cause go up in flames sucks. it all sucks. soj is a very downer aa game.

and also i value m/f friendship a lot. i value older adult relationships a lot. i value exploring unfortunate and uncomfortable themes in learning to grow as a person and dealing with your own trauma a lot. i think there’s a lot to explore in characters like dhurke and amara. alot of people prefer thinking about the relationships between nahyuta and apollo and rayfa as siblings, which is great! but... i don’t know. i really like fictional dads. i like thinking about him getting more time with his kids. i like thinking about amara learning to become a person instead of a revered goddess. i like them becoming real people instead of just figureheads in a political war.

also i think dhurke and datz should kiss because they raised kids together in the mountains for 20 years

[revengerevisited]

Maddie talks about depression.

Talking about depression is kinda hard because every time I do, I start to feel guilty because I know there are so many other people who have it worse than me. It’s not like I’m starving or abused or homeless. All my problems are just in my head, and a lot of it is my own laziness.

My depression comes from my anxiety and stress. While certain stressors are no longer part of my life —school was hell, and I’m very glad I don’t have to be there anymore— there are still many things which stress me out. First is my general incompetency and fear of never accomplishing anything.

Truth be told, I kinda suck at... everything. I can’t cook anything complicated, I don’t know how to pay taxes or bills, I can’t learn to drive because I’m terrified of death, I suck at social skills, and I’ve never had a job. In other words, I’m not independent, and it’s honestly really embarrassing and makes me feel guilty.

While I could learn how to do those first two more easily than the others, I really am genuinely scared of driving and I don’t know how to fix that. Quick candid run-down, I’ve tried antidepressants and therapy, but the only thing that’s helped is anti-anxiety medication (buspirone, for the curious). Even then, it’s not a magic fix.

For social skills... That’s a tough one. I have trouble making a keeping friends. Just a couple months ago I had a falling out with a friend, and it’s really bummed me out. I feel lonely a lot of the time. I don’t really know if social skills are something that can be learned. It doesn’t help that I have social anxiety on top of everything else.

As for a job... Just thinking about it causes me anxiety. I know it’s both a social obligation and (supposed to be) a point of pride, not to mention the money, but I’m terrified of feeling trapped again in the same way I did at school. Plus, to have a job I need to drive, which brings us back to my fear of death.

I’ve realized the only thing that can partially help that fear would be having children, but I don’t know how I’m going to manage that either. I’m not attractive, my personality isn’t that likable, and what’s worse I’m running out of time to find a husband. If a woman is over thirty, chances of her children being born unhealthy start to increase. That’s only five years away for me.

Of course before I can even start thinking of marriage and kids, I have to get my own life together, because how am I supposed to care for kids if I can’t even care for myself? Which brings me back to getting a job. The only thing I’m really good at is writing. My art is still too lacking for me to rely on it. I’m both a perfectionist and a procrastinator, which makes me feel even more guilty for being lazy if I’m not constantly working on something.

My greatest accomplishment in life is a half-finished rarepair fanfic featuring a character who— Well. I don’t even know if I know him anymore. For years I poured everything I had into Vanitas, and... I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say this whole KHUX situation has broken my spirit.

I know that it’s ‘just fiction’ and I keep trying to tell myself that, but I know the truth is that Vanitas means so much more to me than ‘just fiction’. I’m not sure I could say exactly why he’s so important to me —though I have tried— but he just... is. 

I’ve already gone over my stress from online harassment. In some ways that, combined with the TOS on every website telling me that my art isn’t allowed, has really worn me down. Overall, everything combined makes me... not really want to create Kingdom Hearts content anymore. Which isn’t something anyone wants to hear. Trust me, I don’t want to stop, either, but... sometimes I wonder if I need to stop.

I feel like I need to stop thinking about Kingdom Hearts, about Vanitas, and focus on my own original writing, since thinking about what’s happening to him is making me so miserable. With original writing, there wouldn’t be any stupid retcons because I could control the characters. I could make all the characters 18+ to satisfy the stupid antis and TOS. I could sell my work and maybe that could become my job. I wouldn’t need to drive yet because I could do it in my own home.

But...

But if I abandon my fanfics, even just to go on a hiatus, then I’ll disappoint everyone. That’s my rock and my hard place. That’s guilt.

My mom paid $120,000 on my college tuition, and I wasted it and four whole years in a tiny dorm room on an animation degree that I’ll never use. That’s guilt.

Guilt is stress and stress is anxiety and anxiety is depression.

Everything, everything here, is just too much for me to handle and my mind gets overwhelmed and collapses and swirls into this abyss of grey. I just feel stuck in one place that I can’t get out of.

For the last couple weeks I’ve been a depression blob. That is to say, laying around and not doing anything. Not working because it’s too much effort. Not doing anything fun, because it’s too much effort. Not getting up to eat until I’m starving, because it’s too much effort. Just typing this all out is almost too much effort.

And this is where I come across as lazy and a complainer, because as I said, it’s all just in my head, and the guilt from that just makes me feel even worse. Other people handle life just fine. Why am I so bad at it?

...My biggest stressor right now is finishing this Venqua fic and making sure it’s perfect. It’s supposed to be funny and sexy but I feel like neither right now. But I really do want to finish it, and as soon as possible, because I know everyone’s excited and waiting on me.

I want to be able to have fun when I write. I don’t want it to feel like a chore. I think if I could just get through this one fic, then I can start on my original work and learn the life skills I need. But even then, chapter thirteen of A Heart and a Half would be next, and then fourteen, and so on. I don’t have time to do all these things at once.

I just don’t want to feel trapped.

[wutheringskies]

It is, of course, true that if the people around you are inherently good, then the nature, intensity or frequency of any villain's bloodthirst-activated time would diminish.

However, the point I want to express is that:

MDZS is a fictional world. The characters aren't real people who live in extremely diverse settings or go through an indefinite timeline. The story is finite, that is, it ends.

Characters like Wei Wuxian, Lan Wangji, Jiang Yanli, Wen Ning, Wen Qing, Mianmian, Junior Quartet, Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan are simply good-natured people. It doesn't matter what circumstances you put them through, or what sort of tortures, backlash, or failure they face. The main character was nurtured in a semi-hostile environment with a less than favourable background and intensive trauma and came out... good-hearted. Thus, removing such and such aspects of these characters would be venturing into the OOC category. Jiang Yanli lost her husband yet still made the instinctual decision to save Wei Ying. All of the above mentioned characters have such traits.

On the other hand, characters like Wen Ruohan, Jin Guangsham, Jin Guangyao, Xue Yang, Su She, Jin Zixun, Jiang Cheng, Sect Leader Yao, Wen Zhuliu, Madam Yu, Wang Lingjiao, Lan Qiren are antagonists (in different measures); they oppose the major themes of the book, and the protagonist in the fulfilment of their righteous goals for reasons that are blown out of proportion, are unjustifiable, are out of their self-gain.

So to make Wen Ruohan someone who doesn't enjoy true power and torturing people, or to make Jin Guangyao care more about the "worthless lives" he is claiming to further his own career, or to make Jiang Cheng someone who is not inherently insecure to a fatal degree, or to make Lan Qiren violate his rules (or follow them, properly), or to make Xue Yang intolerable of the slightest insult or injury and just cruel - is also OOC.

Now for the sake of fanfiction and fanarts, we are well in our reason to draw onto negative traits of good characters and positive traits of bad characters to make an interesting story. However, it shouldn't be understood as canon.

I'm sure some, specially western fans, might disagree with my categorizing characters as inherently good or bad; but i feel those familiar with Asian literature would understand why I refuse to be dubious about a certain character's morality. In Western media, complex characters are those who are in the "greys" but MDZS has a more direct theme, "No matter how good you are individually, if the system is against you in an immoral world, your actions would be looked at as foolish, naive, heretic."

The point is, in the MDZS framework, even if Xue Yang grew as the second jade of Lan, he would serve as an antagonist and even if Wei Wuxian grew as second young master Wen, he would be kind - or if he grew up as JGY.

As for kindness and compassion, there will always be moments in each character's lives where they do not have people to help them; where they are indeed going through a very dark period of their life; it is important to wonder if they would retain the effects of the kindness or if they would instead perpetuate the cycle of cruelty.

Another thing I would like to add is that MDZS does a great job of making it's "villains" tragic; so you can understand why they did what they did (except for Su She, he's so lame honestly and I can't excuse Madam Yu) but again, these are supposed to be explanations, not excuses. Xue Yang had no right to murder Song Lan's entire sect and Song Lan had every right to revenge. Wen Chao had no right to annihilate the Jiangs, crush JC's core and torture and throw Wei Wuxian into the Burial Mounds and Wei Wuxian had every right to revenge.

Anyway these are just my thoughts! Of course, everyone can interpret a work as they wish. I simply like understanding canon themes and drawing my understanding from those to really appreciate where the author was going with this work.

I think in MDZS there is a fair share of nurture as well as nature. if Xue Yang lived similarly to WWX and didn't lose a finger he would still kill dogs, hunt and hound them and deeply resent and wish to take revenge on/or slaughter the Jiangs; that is his nature to think of himself as more important than the others; the nurture part comes in with the fact that if he had people like Xiao Xingchen earlier in his life; just like he stopped "night hunting walking corpses" he wouldn't have acted out on those impulses; however you cannot deny that being favoured by the jins, he did have stability; he chose to abuse it. he put xiao xingchen giving him chocolates and showing him kindness as of more stable of a state (which is right) yet the moment he is pushed up in a corner, he reverts back to his NATURE. and in his nature, he hurts others to protect himself. if others did x to him he can kill not only the person who did it but also everybody else who is close to that person, who didn't deserve to die. yet, he won't see HIS actions as crimes. won't regret them. thus, Wei Wuxian says, "if you had to kill someone, you should've executed yourself" because some characters have a strong moral code and fail to adhere (nie mingjue, lan xichen), some's adherence to their moral code makes them fail (wei wuxian, xiao xingchen), some do not have a moral code (jin guangsham), some are willing to push it aside for revenge (nie huaisang) and some twist around their watching frames to justify their immoral behavior (Jiang Cheng, xue yang, Jin Guangyao)

[lifeinahole27]

CS ff: “Walking the Tightrope” (Chapter 8/10) (au)

Summary: Killian’s daily routines are a matter of habit. When he wakes up late one morning, his routines all change for the better. Emma doesn’t care about routines, but she does care about Killian, no matter how reluctant she is to admit it to herself.

Rating: E (the content warnings matter this time!)

Content Warnings:  Please be aware that this chapter discusses professor/student relations in the past, non-consensual pictures in the past, and some present, consensual, loving, and happy sexual relations. Gotta find a balance somehow. (This chapter also nicknamed "The One where Sarah calls out a shitty storyline from FRIENDS.)

A Special Thank You: My continued gratitude to my lovely friends, @captainstudmuffin and @phiralovesloki. And a heap of love to @captainswanbigbang for putting this together and helping me accomplish this.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 |

Find it on Ao3 & FFN!

-x-

Chapter 8: Unearthed

It takes time, but they both manage to get out some of the difficult parts of their pasts. Emma tells Killian snippets of her former relationships, including why she ran from Henry the first time she saw him. Graham’s story is kept brief, Walsh is brushed off as a bad experience. Killian is patient about it, holding her hand and listening closely. She can see the questions forming behind his eyes, but he never pushes for more info than she’s willing to share. 

He’s hiding bits of his own past, too. He’s very open about the accident that took his hand, how he grew up in Liam’s shadow but preferred it that way, and his strong passions for fiction and poetry. But when it comes to information about his time in university, she sees the way his shoulders tense. There’s a lack of enthusiasm when he speaks of his master’s studies. She’s seen the picture of him at graduation that sits in his office. She knows there’s more to the story. 

They’re watching television one night, background noise as he works on some edits. With the money they got for upgrades, Emma purchased a shiny new laptop, one specifically loaded with the software to digitize the town’s records, and so they work on their own stuff together. 

Something on the screen that neither of them are glued to must catch his attention, however. It’s a rerun, something that used to be popular but has now reached syndication and thus plays on every channel when there’s downtime. It’s something Emma’s seen enough times that she knows the general storyline without really even paying attention. It’s the one where a professor starts a relationship with a student. 

While she’s mostly tuning it out, it seems Killian is finally tuning in, and she looks up as he lurches for her television remote and hits the power button. His breathing is visibly quicker than it should be. Even when the screen goes dark, there’s a tension around his eyes she has never seen before. 

“You okay?” she asks, mostly because she’s not sure he remembers she’s there right now.

He shakes himself a little bit, brushing off the moment for all she can tell, before he turns to her. “Hate this show,” he responds. 

“It’s been on for the last hour.”

As he focuses on her face, she can see the moment he sheds whatever was trying to creep up on him. “I was pretty deep in my work. I do apologize, love.” He’s lying, but she’s willing to let it go if it’s something from his past that he doesn’t want to talk about. 

“Hey, no worries.” She reaches out, squeezing his bicep once for comfort. “You want coffee? Tea?”

“I’ll get it. What would you like?”

“Surprise me,” she says, knowing that he’ll bring back the hot chocolate he knows she loves. 

By the time he returns, the tightness on his face has eased up a bit, but it’s replaced with something she would call contemplation. “Swan, I want to tell you a little piece of my past, but I hope you won’t judge me too hard or let it change the way you feel about me.”

“A little ominous, but okay. Go for it.”

“Back in university, I was involved with one of my professors.”

Emma takes a moment to let it absorb, trying not to flinch or let her facial expressions change at all. It’s his past, and she knows just as well that those moments shouldn’t define the current moment. 

“Tell me about it?”

“As you know, Liam convinced me to enroll in university as a way to pull me out of my slump after I lost my hand. He helped find out if I could take my classes online since I wasn’t ready to go out into the world.”

Emma reaches over, closing her fingers over the hook attachment he has on today. It’s become second nature, but sometimes she wants to tell him without words that she accepts him for who he is and this is one of those moments.

“Eventually, I was comfortable going to classes on campus. I was engrossed in all things to do with writing and literature and editing, and knew that’s the direction I wanted to take. And then I met Milah, one of the professors for a professional writing class. And she was just that for a while, and then when I entered into my master’s studies, we sort of…crossed the boundaries when she was helping me with a project.”

“Milah was married, is married, though they are separated. Her husband, some wealthy bastard, agreed that if she was discreet that they could see other people. He wasn’t anticipating that she would take up with a student, former or otherwise.

“What did he do?”

“Threatened to expose the affair to the university. Milah would’ve been fired. I would’ve likely been expelled. He said he would divorce her and cut her off from his wealth. He only agreed to back off when Milah and I split and I filed to finish my master’s online, much as I began the whole journey.”

“Was the money that important to her?” It’s the question that hits; she can tell immediately.

He grimaces before answering. “She liked to pretend it wasn’t. Painted herself as a free spirit that didn’t need wealth. But it didn’t stop her from walking away from me like it meant nothing.”

Without even prodding, Emma can see that the story isn’t done. She adjusts her grip on him and waits for him to continue.

“I almost didn’t finish my degree after that. I started drinking heavily every chance I got. Took Liam a couple weeks to figure out what was going on, pried out what had happened, and then intervened. He’s the only reason I still completed my coursework.”

“He sounds like a good brother.”

“Right pain in the arse, but yes, he is.” 

“You really loved her?”

“Aye. She’s the only person outside my own family that I ever professed my love for.” He’s quiet for a moment before meeting her eyes once more. “Have you ever been in love, Swan?”

“Maybe I thought I was, once,” she admits. Mostly, she realizes that the feelings she thought she had for Neal and the ones she told Walsh she had were nothing compared to the way Killian makes her feel. “Thanks for sharing all of this with me.”

“I figured you should know,” he tells her, simple as that. 

When Friday rolls around, she’s all set to join her boyfriend and friends in public. Normally, Emma would be one of the first to ditch out on work and get to their usual spot in the bar, but tonight she’s working with Belle to relabel and organize their filing system. Previously, their idea of “orderly” bordered on chaos, and they had trouble keeping track of just about everything. Along with the digital system, they decided to reconfigure the physical records as well. 

They’re in the process of fixing the system when Emma’s email account dings, and she glances at it briefly to make sure it’s nothing important before they get back to work.

What she finds, instead, is a message with a link to a website. Normally, she would write this off as a spam account, but there’s no fill-in-the-blank recipient. There’s no lead-up to the message at all. Just the words written below a link: You’ll have to trust me. Type in code 92574. Check Maine.

With a heavy amount of trepidation, Emma clicks the link and follows the instructions. Her brows furrow as she tries to process what she’s looking at, but it appears to be some kind of personal page, with links to the fifty states. Finding Maine in the list, she clicks it, and almost immediately drops her phone as if burned.

“Oh my fucking god,” she mutters, her vision blurring around the edges.

“Emma is - oh! Oh my goodness!” Belle immediately backs away from the glance she’s just stolen at Emma’s unlocked phone on her desk, looking back at Emma with horror and surprise in her eyes. “What…. What is all that?”

“Something I was told was destroyed a long time ago,” Emma says, her voice shaking and her body feeling heavy and weak all at once. “Can you drive stick?” Her phone finally goes dark and auto-locks, and she’s honestly not sure if she can feel her face right now.

“I’ll text Will and let him know we’re on our way.”

-x- December 13: Friday

The last few weeks since Thanksgiving have been some of the best in Killian’s life. While the project of Henry’s novella is speeding up in momentum and racing towards the end, he and Emma have been taking things at their own pace and enjoying every moment together that they can.

It’s getting easier for them to talk about their pasts. From their shared lack of parentage to finally breaking the barrier of previous relationships, he knows they’ve both made great strides. Being able to tell her about Milah and not have her go running for the hills was admittedly a huge relief, and he only hopes that she’ll trust him to open up about anything she’s still holding out.

Normally, when they go out on Fridays, Emma is right by his side when he enters the bar. While Emma is working with Belle, he and Will have gone to the bar early to have their own catch-up until everyone else arrives. 

They each spend a fair amount of time grousing about work, about late nights and tired eyes and how much they love their jobs despite their words. And they also spend just as much time talking about the women in their lives. He’s happy to see Will as content as he is. He also knows that, despite the strange and often passive-aggressive friendship between the two of them, Will is happy to see Killian with Emma.

About an hour after they sit down, Will gets a text from Belle saying that the two women are on their way. They each share a look, automatically noticing that something feels off, but unable to tell what. That sensation is amplified by the look on Belle’s face when she arrives with Emma not far behind.

There’s a tightness around her eyes that Killian has never seen the soft-spoken woman have before. Emma is just behind her, with her arms crossed over her chest and a look that he would best describe as being a cross between solemn and murderous. Only his girlfriend could manage that combination of expressions. 

“All right, Swan?”

“No. Not all right. Can uh, can we go back to my place?”

“Sure. Let me just -”

“I’ve got the tab. Go on,” Will says, his thick eyebrows drawn together. 

The Bug is waiting for them when they get out, still running. Clearly, she hadn’t intended on spending long inside whether he was coming with her or not.

They’re silent on the drive back to her place, and even while they make the trek up to her loft. She’s quiet as she unwraps her scarf and kicks off her boots, all with deliberate and jerky movements. 

“I have to kind of process through something,” she says, her voice thick with a myriad of emotions. “I don’t wanna talk. I don’t really want to do anything at all. But will you stay with me?”

“I’m here as long as you’ll have me. Whatever you need,” he tells her, making sure to catch her eyes so she knows he’s being honest. 

Wordlessly, she locks the door before she leads him upstairs. 

While Killian is normally the one with the carefully crafted routines - which, admittedly, have taken a backseat to finally relaxing and enjoying his time here in Storybrooke - there are certain things that Emma does every morning and every night as far as her own rituals command. He has never seen her go straight to her room without carefully scrubbing her face and teeth and removing her contacts. 

Usually, she also takes that time to braid her hair to keep it from tangling too much while she sleeps, but tonight she leaves it hanging free, and he’s surprised when she only shucks off her clothes and pulls on a t-shirt before climbing into her bed. 

Following suit, Killian removes his clothes and quickly folds them, leaving them on the cedar chest by the bottom of her bed as he usually does when he stays over before he climbs under the covers. Immediately, Emma is shifting until she’s pressed against him, her ear over his heart and her arm wrapped tightly around his midsection. 

“You won’t leave?”

“Only if you tell me to,” he admits, hoping that it’s what she needs to hear. Her grip only tightens, and he decides to stay awake as long as he can to make sure she’s all right. 

He must doze off because he wakes again to Emma’s lips pressed against his, her hand sliding into his boxers to stroke him awake. As soon as he’s aware of it, he’s kissing her back, helping her push down his boxers before she hastily rips off her own underwear and finds a condom. This is not how they usually have sex - he recognizes it immediately - but even as he hesitates, he hears her whispers.

“Please - I know, please, I just need…”

He responds by pulling her closer, kissing her as hard as she was kissing him to let her know he’s on board. She slides on top of him, gripping his hand like a lifeline and rocking against him as if it’s her one salvation. He can feel the panic and anger with each move of her hips above him and he just holds on, hopes she can feel the reassurance radiating from him, hopes she feels that he’s an anchor she can trust - that he’ll be with her no matter what this all means.

When they’re both sated, she collapses onto his chest, and to his surprise he feels the quiet sobs wracking through her body a few heartbeats later. She only really cries when she’s angry - she admitted as much to him some time ago when they were trying to decipher the use of pathos in commercials. He wraps his arms around her, running his hand soothingly over the small of her back and whispering anything he thinks may bring her back to him.

“I’m sorry,” she finally says, her voice hoarse. “I’m sorry that wasn’t… I basically just used you to fuck away my anger and that’s not…”

“Swan,” he says quietly, releasing his hold on her so he can coax her to look at him. “No apologies necessary, love.” 

With hasty swipes, she dries her face. “I’m just so mad right now.”

“Will you tell me what about?”

“Just… give me a couple more minutes,” she says, sliding off of him and climbing off the bed. He hears her footsteps retreating down the stairs and the door to the lavatory close. 

He takes a deep breath, pushing himself to sit up, turning on the light beside her bed and grabbing a couple tissues to clean himself up. He slips his boxers back up while he’s at it before sliding between the sheets again. 

When she returns to her bedroom, her hair is tied up and her robe is wrapped around her like body armor. She must’ve used the time to scrub the last of her makeup off, as well, and his heart stutters a beat to see her looking so down but still so beautiful. She climbs up, sitting next to him at the head of the bed with her legs crossed at the ankles. 

He’s watching her carefully, trying to not pressure her to talk but wishing she would say anything at this point, as the silence is slowly pressing in around them. 

“My last ex was the absolute worst,” she finally starts, fingers fiddling with the ties on her robe. “Worse than Neal, obviously. And worse than I ever thought he was when I found him cheating on me the day that Ruth died.”

He’s quiet, understanding that now is not the time for empty condolences for either incident. Instead, he reaches out and places his hand on her knee.

“He was a shitty antiques dealer down in Boston, never wanted to come up here to visit, never wanted to be seen with me, it seemed like. And unfortunately, he kept a lot of mementos from our time together.”

“How so?”

“You know how I told you I burned my uniform a couple years ago?”

He nods in response, tilting his head and wondering just where this could be going. She’d told him the beige monster was uncomfortable and unflattering, saying that any photographic evidence of the uniform in question was destroyed along with it.

“Well, I left a tiny part out,” she admits, looking over at him briefly.

“Nothing you tell me is going to run me off, Swan. I promise.”

With a bracing breath, she nods, focusing back on her hands in her lap. “I used to wear a uniform. Took it down to Boston with me because I was supposed to go straight to work the day I left his place. And he wanted to see it on. We were joking around and having fun.” She stops, grimacing and visibly willing her face to relax a moment later. “I let him take pictures. He had this fancy photo printer so he had physical copies and deleted them after they were done. At least, that’s what he swore he did. Just like everything else, it turns out that was a lie. 

“Emma?”

“He has a website. A fucking website with all of us.”

“All of who?”

“Every girl he fucked in the year that he and I were together, according to the site description. He proposed to me, you know, right before we ended things. I was going to say yes but told him to give me some time. Ruth passed away about a week after he asked me and I drove all the way to Boston because I wanted… needed the person that claimed to love me. And he was in the middle of fucking another woman when I walked in the door. I told him to give me the photos before I left while this redhead sat naked on his bed and watched me gather my stuff.”

“And you got the physical ones from him?”

“Yeah, no surprise he lied about those being the only copies. He kept them in the top drawer of his dresser, so now I have to wonder where the rest are kept. The day after Ruth’s funeral, I burned the uniform - with David’s permission and minimal questions asked - and the photos.”

She goes quiet after saying that, not really keen on making eye contact for the moment. Killian takes the opportunity to gather the words he wants to say, trying to find the best order of questions and statements. 

“You know that none of this is your fault, right? Nor do I blame you or feel any differently towards you because of your past.”

Emma sniffs at that, a half-hearted attempt at acknowledgement, so Killian leans closer and turns her face to his so he can plant a kiss on her lips. 

“I mean it, Emma. This is on that wanker, not you at all.” 

Her lips thin out for a second, but ultimately she nods and leans forward to give him another kiss. 

“Now, will you tell me about how you found this all out?”

“I got an email while Belle and I were working on our little project. I figured it was spam at first but it just had this link to a website called ‘Banging U.S.A.’ and some instructions for a passcode and a state. When I clicked, there was a whole lot more of me than I expected to see. He must’ve been taking pictures through the whole thing, since not all of them were ones he printed and showed me later.”

“So some taken without your knowledge or consent? How much worse can this guy get?”

“Oh, it still gets worse. I tried not to click on anything else, but I ended up on the newly launched world edition,” she says with quotes around the words. “Without really thinking, I clicked on this little British flag and there was the woman I found him with. She was clearly far more into the photography thing than I was.”

“Bad, but how is that worse?”

“In the first three pictures, you can see one of my t-shirts on the dresser. In the others, it’s gone. Which means he went right back to fucking her as soon as I left his place with my stuff.”

“Definitely worse,” Killain mutters, drawing his hand over his face in disbelief. 

“And we all had subtitles. Hers was the Wicked Witch of the West… and my South Pole.”

“Ouch.”

“Mine was Officer Tie-Me-Down and Fuck-Me-Up.”

“Bloody hell, Swan, how much villainy can one man possess?”

“Apparently, his cup runneth over.”

“Clearly.” They fall silent for a moment, until Emma’s head tilts over to rest on his shoulder. “Any idea what you’ll do about it?” he asks after letting her mull for a moment.

“No fucking clue.”

He shifts in order to kiss the top of her head, pulling her closer when she pushes her way under his arm. It’s still hours more before either of them fall asleep again.

-x- December 14: Saturday

When Killian wakes up again, it’s to the sound of Emma’s voice floating up from down below.

“I know, and I’m sorry for bailing without letting you know,” she says. “I had something come up.”

With much effort, Killian hauls himself out of the bed, pulling on his undershirt before making his way downstairs. 

“No, it’s kind of why I was calling, though. Do you still have that phone number for James?”

Whatever response David must have for that is lengthy and aggravating, judging by the look on Emma’s face when Killian makes it to the main floor. She looks up and gives him a wan smile, pulling the phone away from her ear long enough to lean up and give him a kiss on the cheek. Dave’s voice is, indeed, squawking out quite the storm from the earpiece, and Killian does nothing more than raise an eyebrow in question before giving her a kiss of his own and moving towards the coffee pot. 

“Well, when you calm down about that, give me a call back. I need his number and you’ll agree with me when I tell you why.”

Her phone clatters to the table but she’s already moving towards where Killian is standing against the kitchen counter. 

“Good morning,” she says, leaning up and pulling him down to give him a much warmer, much more thorough kiss. 

“Same to you. Feeling a little better?”

“More like a fire’s been lit under my ass and I have a plan. I have to swing by my brother’s place to harass him about our other asshole brother. Want me to drop you at home?”

“If it wouldn’t be too much trouble, I need to head to the office to finish up the last of the preparations and my notes for the party on Friday.”

“No trouble at all. Wanna get breakfast along the way?”

“Food and time with my girlfriend? Only a fool would refuse such blessings.” 

When they part ways, he’s amazed at the clear change in mindset she’s gone through in less than twelve hours. Even as she kisses him goodbye, there’s determination burning in her eyes. 

-x-

It takes roughly forty minutes of needling David before he finally caves and gives her the phone number James had called from once, on accident, a couple years ago. She’s plugging it into her phone and hitting ‘call’ before she’s even halfway out of David’s workshop, taking the steps two at a time to get to the first floor. 

“Don’t hang up,” Emma says as soon as James answers.

“Emma?”

“You mean you actually have my number saved in your phone?”

“I’m sure that’s surprising but yeah, makes it easier to call you if I need to ask for money.”

“Ah, you haven’t changed a bit,” Emma responds, rolling her eyes at his words. 

David reaches for the phone when he gets to the kitchen but Emma bats his hand away. 

“I’m guessing you’re the one that needs something if you’re calling me.”

“You’re still in Boston, right?”

“And what if I am?”

“You still have that fancy talent at hacking computers and websites?”

“Listen, I haven’t done anything wrong. I stopped doing all that ages ago.”

“I don’t care if you’re a law-abiding citizen,” Emma snaps. “I need someone who doesn’t care about the law.”

“So the wonder twins need my help because I don’t follow the rules?”

“Pretty much. I have an ex that needs to be taught a lesson.”

“Fine. Come down here next Friday and I’ll see what I can do. If you’ll do something for me,” he adds at the very end.

“Like what?”

“We’ll discuss my terms on Friday.”

“I have a party…”

“Oh? You have a party?” His tone is mocking, and Emma swallows back the retort she wants to spit at him.

“Fine. Fine. I’ll be there. David is coming with me. You do the job, I’ll repay you however you want me to, and then I never have to see you again.”

“Sounds good to me,” James singsongs. “I’ll text you the address. See you Friday, little sis.”

“That guy’s the worst,” Emma snaps when the call ends. “How is he your fucking twin?”

David just shrugs. “And this is why I didn’t want you to call him. Are you going to tell me what’s going on now?”

“You have to promise you aren’t going to have a coronary or something, okay?”

“Go for it. I will… do my best.”

She takes a deep breath before she urges him to sit down while she starts to tell him what she’s just found out.

To give him some credit, he doesn’t completely lose it. But he does turn an interesting shade of purple at the news that there’s a website that has pornographic photographs of his sister. Trying to get around those words is possibly the most mortifying thing she’s ever been through, until David opens his mouth when she’s done speaking.

“Has Killian seen this site?”

“God, David. No. And he won’t if I have anything to do with it. I’m not going to show my boyfriend pictures of me fucking another guy,” she screeches, standing and stomping over to their coffeemaker to indulge in more caffeine. 

She doesn’t really want to tell James the same news. She doesn’t want to tell him more than she absolutely has to, but she also needs the skillset he picked up from being a generally bad person in order to get this chapter of her life wiped from existence. 

Unfortunately, it’s going to mean missing the one thing she was looking forward to since Killian first told her about it. 

She stops by his office to see him next, admiring the way he looks when he’s deeply concentrating. She can also see just how much he’s put into decorating his office in the time they’ve been together. She remembers stark walls and an empty desk. Now, his degrees are hanging, along with a few artistic prints of book covers. His desk is similarly fuller, with picture frames and small knick knacks beyond the single one that used to be there.

With one more bracing breath, she prepares to go in. He’s going to understand, because he already knows what’s going on, but she hates to disappoint him.

“Swan?”

She’s knocked from her idle watching by him softly saying her name.

“Everything all right?”

“Yeah,” she says, walking in and shutting the door. She moves around to lean on the edge of his desk right in front of him. “But I have some bad news. I can’t come to the debut on Friday. That’s when my creep-o brother can help me out. I’ll have to be in Boston.”

His face falls, the disappointment clear, but his hand reaches out and brushes along hers. “As much as I’m sad you won’t be with me, I know it’s for a bigger purpose. Is this evil twin in law? Law enforcement?”

Emma’s face freezes, realizing that she never shared with him how she planned on having James help her. 

“Okay, long story short? James is really good at being a bad guy.”

To his credit, Killian listens with full attention as she launches into her plan and doesn’t even call her crazy.

“Barring any legal repercussions from this Walsh, I find no fault in this plan.”

“I’m pretty sure with James’ help, I won’t have to worry about him trying to come back at us.” At her reassurances, Killian nods in what she hopes is approval. “Should I let you get back to work?”

Slowly, he eases her off the desk and into his lap. “Maybe in a moment or two?”

It’s a question, leaving the answer in her court. 

“I’d be happy if it goes a little longer than a moment,” Emma responds, settling herself fully into his lap and chuckling at the look in his eyes. She pulls her shirt over her head, reaching behind her to unhook her bra. 

“I like to think we’re making up for all those times we’ve been interrupted,” Killian says before sucking a nipple into his mouth.

Straight to the point. She’s glad she locked the door when she closed it.

-x-

Chapter 8

[beesandbooks1]

Discussion: The Surprising Sexuality of Bella Swan

To read this post on my blog instead, click here!

Blanket warning: This post will be discussing sex and sexual activity. Bella Swan is a minor in the beginning of the Twilight Saga, and thus this discussion concerns the sexuality of teenagers.

Bella Swan and her sexual awakening

When we first meet Bella in Twilight, she can be described as a pretty sexless and anti-romantic person. We find out through her experiences in the Twilight Saga that she’s never gone on dates, never had anyone express explicit attraction to her, and that Edward Cullen is her first real crush and love interest. She seems pretty analytical, all things considered, discussing her mother’s relationships with her father and stepfather pretty distantly. While she can almost understand attraction–pointing out that when her parents were young and more attractive she can almost understand why they rushed into marriage–she doesn’t openly acknowledge attraction as a motivation for anything until dealing with Edward.

Bella Swan has a very clear sexual awakening in Twilight. The first time she kisses Edward, she describes herself as burning up and suddenly losing control. In fact, throughout the rest of the series this is a common theme. Edward is constantly having to keep their kissing as chaste as possible to protect Bella from his dangerous venom (and his bloodlust) while Bella regularly describes herself as latching onto him, pushing him to go further. Bella experiences tangible sexual desire for Edward and continually tries to act on it, despite Edward’s fears and trepidation. We like to make memes and joke about how dedicated Bella was to having sex with him in Breaking Dawn, but that was just the culmination of a lot of encounters in which Bella’s desire and lust drive their physical interactions.

Bella’s autonomy versus Edward’s

This was an interesting and occasionally disconcerting aspect of the treatment of sex in the Saga. Edward asserts repeatedly that it’s too dangerous to do more than kiss and that he won’t risk it with Bella. He also later on asserts his desire to wait for marriage, placing his sexual autonomy in the way of Bella’s desires. This is actually surprising in a lot of ways. First and most obvious is the subversion of expectations. A lot of YA and New Adult fiction places women in the shoes of the autonomy debate, putting their desire to wait for marriage, love, or another important milestone before having sex for the first time (or just the first time with their partner) out as the obstacle that the man they are seeing must respect. While I don’t think it was Meyer’s intention to comment on the particularly distasteful way society ignores male sexual autonomy and the right of men to say no to sex, it’s still an unusual subversion of societal expectation.

The next reason I find Bella’s sexual desire and lack of care for marriage interesting is because of Meyer’s background. Stephenie Meyer is a Mormon, and the Mormon culture generally encourages waiting until marriage for women and has strict rules regulating sexuality for all young people in general. We see in other parts of Meyer’s writing where the Mormon values come into play, so it’s ultimately very surprising that the main POV character, Bella, who is largely portrayed as mature and wiser than her peers should be pushing for premarital sex against a man’s wishes. She ends up only agreeing to marry Edward because she wants to sleep with him, and a little bit because she wants to be with him forever. She figures their relationship will continue regardless of marriage but his conditions for sex are what finally convince her to marry at all. This is again a subversion of the usual expectations.

I also find Edward’s sexual autonomy interesting in the face of the almost sex positive Bella. Edward Cullen is a man that repeatedly says ‘no’ to sex with a willing partner because of his own values, regardless of which of those values are more powerfully motivating. He has no reason to fear being overpowered when Bella is a human, so he can and frequently does exercise his right to say “no” without fear of repercussions. After all, the biggest reason people will consent to a sexual encounter they don’t want is to avoid the potential consequences of saying otherwise. Edward resists Bella’s attempts to coerce or seduce him in part because he knows she cannot overpower him, as he is a vampire and can absolutely physically stop her if need be. Bella dances dangerously close to interfering with his autonomy by pushing him towards physical encounters he expresses discomfort with. And from Bella’s perspective, she doesn’t seem to be aware that she’s coming close to violating his consent. Again, I don’t think it was Meyer’s intention to point out that women are just as capable of violating sexual trust as men, but an interesting point nonetheless.

Sexuality in the rest of the cast

Sex is absolutely alluded to and explicitly discussed on occasion with regards to the rest of the cast–usually to reaffirm relationships. In particular, Rosalie and Emmett’s relationship is associated with implied sex and Jacob’s perspective in Breaking Dawn references implied sex as well. Unsurprisingly, outside of Bella and Edward’s direct discussions and engagements in sexual activity, sex is discussed without actually being discussed–probably due to the age of the intended audience and Meyer’s thoughts on premarital sex.

Rosalie and Emmett have a tempestuous and loving relationship, which Edward describes as having destroyed houses through sex. Rosalie and Emmett are the most conventionally attractive of the Cullens, and often come across as a heartbreakingly perfect couple. They love one another very much and go on elaborate honeymoon trips, frequently living separate from the rest of the Cullens as a married couple. Additionally, Rosalie’s story involves her assault leading to her death and her desire to have a family, specifically her wish for children. In many ways, Rosalie’s story is more grown up than the rest of the series in is tragedy and in her metaphorical struggle with infertility. It’s not wholly surprising for her character that she and her husband are the most clearly sexual of the characters, but it does stick out as unusually mature against the rest of the series.

Jacob’s perspective also reveals some implied discussions of sex. The first example comes when he himself goes to a park to deliberately attempt to find someone he can get over Bella with. The implication is pretty obvious: he intends to have a one nigh stand. That he doesn’t succeed can’t erase what seems pretty obvious. Thus we have a character without the hangups on premarital sex that Edward–the only other male character that expresses any degree of sexuality–has. Also, since much of the exposition relating to Imprinting is given by Jacob, Jacob does have to discuss sex to a certain degree.

Contradictory messages?

I’d say that as a YA author, having your eighteen-year-old protagonist marry straight out of high school and avoid premarital sex is making a pretty firm moral statement. I don’t know for certain if Meyer set out from the beginning to build a relationship with Bella and Edward that she hoped young girls would aspire to, or if she just couldn’t bring herself to put something she didn’t believe in into her books. From the commentary on the movie, I do know she was at least a little uncomfortable with Bella being sexualized as she was one of the people protesting how “sexy” Kristen Stewart looked during the scene where Edward kisses Bella in her bedroom. Despite this, Meyer wrote a pretty convincing sexual awakening for Bella’s character.

Up until Forks, Bella’s character motivation doesn’t include sex or relationships. She is pretty single-minded about taking care of her mother, and then a little bit about being a good kid. The implication is that before remarrying, Renee wasn’t very good about consistently paying bills and providing food, so Bella honestly had far more important things to worry about than boys (or girls). Her sexual awakening with Edward is actually a pretty interesting idea, then, because in Forks is the first time Bella has time to think about boys, relationships, and sex. And then Bella is repeatedly shut down in these urges by her partner, seemingly in an attempt to protect her. There are plenty of issues with Edward as a partner, we all know this (and I haven’t even read Midnight Sun yet), but I found his desire to save himself until marriage the least problematic thing about him.

How interesting is it that for three books we have the narrative of “Edward desires Bella but is scared of hurting her” before finally having “Edward’s personal choice for his sexuality is to save himself until marriage?” I would have much preferred if that had been out in the open, since without the discussion that takes place at the end of Eclipse, Bella seems to be the victim of being teased by Edward’s allure without ever being granted the payoff of more than a kiss–whatever vampiric danger reasons there are for not going further. Instead, we get the fact that Edward has been struggling with his preference for having sex after marriage without sharing this with Bella, who clearly was willing to respect that as she marries him for this reason. If Meyer was trying to portray premarital sex as a bad thing, she never really got around to it. Bella isn’t even considering sex until Eclipse, despite her growing sexuality, and the discussions she and Edward do have about it isn’t very respectful to the thoughts of either side of the issue.

Final thoughts

I know that it seems awfully pointless to discuss a niche topic in the context of a book series people aren’t enamored with, especially when it’s pretty clear the mos interesting parts of this were not the author’s intentions. I don’t think Stephenie Meyer intended for the Twilight craze to happen at all, especially when you look at the backlash that happened. While there are legitimate issues in the series–capitalizing on the Quileute tribe’s existence while also doing some pretty problematic things with the Quileute characters comes to mind–one thing that cannot be attributed to the series is the hatred of teenage girls that drove the hatred for the series. The vast majority of criticisms for this series came from people whose deep seated hatred of teenage girls led them to find every fault possible (except for the majority of the series’ actual faults). Needles to say, this backlash affected me in a number of ways as I was a teenage girl who initially liked Twilight.

This was not a conscious thought I had upon first reading, but I want us to consider being a teenage girl in a confusing world where half of popular media says relationships and making out and even sex are important and cool parts of being a teenager, while another half of popular media condemns teenage girls for exploring their sexuality however they may be comfortable. As a teenage girl, saving yourself is worthy of mockery and having sex regardless of the context is worthy of slut-shaming. To have a romance series endorsed by mothers as well as teenagers in which the teenage girl explores feeling sexual desire is pretty interesting. She’s not shamed for desiring Edward, it’s only natural after all. And the questions of consent and autonomy are danced around with his desire to save himself for marriage–an unintentional reminder that women are capable of sexual assault as well and that everyone deserves the safety to say “no.”

Do I think it’s revolutionary for Twilight to have included some of Bella’s sexual awakening? No. In fact, I think it’s one of the things that could have been improved if Meyer was a better writer or better re-writer to make a more impressive series. But I do think that Twilight is more notable for the deep hatred it inspired than its writing. I think it’s important to continue to discuss Twilight in the context of what it gave teenage girls and who opposed teenage girls having it. Edward wasn’t a great love interest, but one thing we can say for him is he never forced sex on Bella. He never pressured her, he wanted to wait for marriage. As a result, Bella’s sexual awakening is slower and paced out with her own growing desires and wants. She never has to rush through things because she isn’t having sex. And I think it’s good for teenage girls to have a character whose desires awaken in the first book but isn’t having sex until later, has sex with someone she stays together with and gets to grow with, and is never pressured into the sex.

[that-curly-haired-lesbian]

The Seven Husbands Of Evelyn Hugo + Taylor Swift: a master post - Part 6/6

Hi guys, welcome to the final part of my masterpost regarding parallels between Taylor Swift and Evelyn Hugo, the fictional actress from the book The Seven Husbands Of Evelyn Hugo by author Taylor Jenkins Reid!

Before proceeding please be aware that there will be

 **MAJOR SPOILERS**

for the book ahead and please also read my disclaimer!

It’s very important that you read these in order so if you haven’t yet go ahead and check out the previous part right here, thank you and enjoy!

When Evelyn starts telling us about beard #6 she reveals that they got married in Joshua Tree (Pg. 295) which is you know, an actual place and all, but my first reaction was (perhaps understandably given this context)

“You got married WHERE, now?!” and then it took me quite a while to stop laughing and honestly, this is kind of too hilarious not to include!

Evelyn also points out on that same page that she wore an ocean-blue dress for the ceremony.

--

 Though Max Girard (beard #6 and legit husband #2) initially starts out as a non-bearding situation (in a desperate attempt to get over Celia) it soon becomes clear that Max doesn’t love Evelyn, he loves Evelyn Hugo™ He loves the idea of her more than the actual person, he loves the famous persona. Evelyn says:

  “I didn’t know how to tell him that I loved her too, but I wasn’t her.” (Pg. 298)

This is that age-old debate of Taylor vs. Taylor Swift™. The two are not the same person and sometimes it feels like (het in particular) fans have as hard a time as Max to make that distinction.

Taylor Swift the public persona isn’t Taylor Swift the person and that is perhaps the most true when it comes to Taylor’s actual love life vs. her fabricated one. There might not be a single fact more important to come to terms with in order to understand Gaylor Swift (and her reasons for being closeted) than that simple one. If you feel lost here, please go read this again!

--

    “When you’re known for being gorgeous, you can’ not imagine a faith worse        than standing next to someone and falling short.” (Pg. 299)

  And all the young things line up to take your place

--

In a letter to Celia:

  “I hope you will forgive me for being so blunt, but how did we make such a     mess of it all?” (Pg. 301)

Oh, we made quite a mess, babe

--

After years of being separated (yet again) Evelyn finally calls Celia and when they discuss the possibility of getting back together without having to hide Evelyn points out that:

                        “Everything has changed”

And as proof of this change she brings up the fact that Elton John is now proudly out (this part of her story is set in the late 80’s) to which Celia counters with:

  “’Elton John doesn’t have a child and a career based on audiences     believing he’s a straight man.” (Pg. 303)

Taylor may not have a kid, but she most certainly has a career based on audiences believing she’s a straight woman and that must be freaking terrifying!!

--

During that phone call Evelyn explains that she never stopped loving Celia and when Celia questions this by pointing out that Evelyn (in a non-bearding way) got married to someone else Evelyn explains:

  “’I married him because he helped me forget you,’ I said, “not because I     stopped loving you’” (Pg. 304)

He will try to take away my pain  And he just might make me smile  But the whole time I'm wishin' he was you instead

--

During a dinner following the phone conversation Evelyn tells Celia:

  “I spent my life hiding so no one would knock me off the mountain. Well, you     know what? I’m done hiding. Let them come and get me. They can throw me     down a well as far as I’m concerned.” (Pg. 313)

When Celia questions if Evelyn really means that Evelyn assures her that she does.

  “Any other line of thinking…It’s how I lost you. I don’t want to lose anymore.”

HELL YEAH, EVELYN IS DONE HIDING!! Also, the “I don’t want to lose anymore”-line reminds me of:

  Us traitors never win

And what I said about that line in my analysis of Getaway Car:

What she says I think is that people who pick their career over their love life won’t end up being happy, or “winning” at life in the long-run.

--

When Celia has made absolutely sure that Evelyn is truly ready to give it all up for her this time she suggests that they move to Spain together, she says she wants to spend her final years:

  “On a beautiful beach. With the love of a good woman.” (Pg. 314)

  Drinkin' on a beach with you all over me

--

When Evelyn leaves her sixth husband for Celia he is pissed off and threatens to out her and he does, to untrustworthy magazines and anyone who will listen. (No one believes him, but still) (Pg. 319)

The whole divorce is very bitter and the bitterness of it all kind of reminded me of one of Taylor’s particularly bad bearding situations.  But when Max goes so far as to basically say he made Evelyn’s career an even worse taste was left in my mouth……………..

--

In a conversation with Evelyn about their differing degrees of fame Harry says the following:

  “I’m only famous because you’re famous, Ev. They don’t care about me or     what  I’m doing unless it somehow relates to you.” (Pg. 321)

Here we once again have bearding 101, but also it reminded me of someone…

On page 325 Evelyn refers to Harry as:

   “My best friend, my family.”

And while this is obviously said platonically between those two it nonetheless made me think of something that I’m honestly still not over Taylor saying about Karlie!!

--

Towards the end of her career Evelyn meets a young man named Nick, he wants to be an actor and asks Evelyn for advice. She bitterly considers telling him:

  “You have to be willing to deny your heritage, to commodify your body, to lie     to good people, to sacrifice who you love in the name of what people will   think, and to choose the false version of yourself time and time again,   until you forget who you started out as or why you started doing it to   begin with.” (Pg. 326) (x)

--

Evelyn’s friend (and beard) Harry dies tragically in a car accident in 1989

While Taylor has always used the motif of cars/car rides in her music there are A LOT of car mentions on 1989, an album many het Swifties seem to believe to be about Harry Styles, interesting…

--

After Harry’s death Evelyn and Celia move to Spain together and out of the spotlight they finally get to openly be together and Evelyn “chose the rose garden over Madison Square” if you will and she was extremely happy. About her relationship with Celia during that time she says:

  “I cherished every moment we had to ourselves, every second I spent with my    arms around her.” (Pg. 344)

   When I get you alone it’s so simple

                           //

  I could've spent forever with your hands in my pockets

Evelyn describes her seventh husband and last beard (Celia’s brother) as so charming that most other women were:

  “Enchanted by him” (Pg.344)

Oddly specific word choice!

As happy as Celia and Evelyn were at this point in their lives something was hanging over them, Celia was sick and dying. Evelyn tells Monique that when Celia promised Evelyn she’d never leave her again:

    “We both knew she was making a promise she couldn’t keep.” (Pg. 346)

  Brokeeeeee the sweetest promISEEE that you neverrrrr should   have MADEEE

Listen to that you guys, that’s my goddamn heart breaking!!!

--

CELIA AND EVELYN’S WEDDING SCENE (pg. 347-349) IS SUPER SWEET!!!!!! A fun little detail is that New York (which is as we’ve previously established significant to the Kaylor relationship as well as the Evelyn and Celia one) was made relevant in a scene taking place in Spain (Celia’s shirt)

ALSO allow we to go into crazy fanfic territory here, but can’t you just IMAGINE the “we can get married”-conversation happening between Taylor and Karlie when same-sex marriage became legalized nationwide????

All wlw just want a wife #ConfirmedOnPage349

Seriously, if you wanna be punched in the feels today go read the wedding scene and imagine Kaylor in Evelyn and Celia’s place. (No one is sick in the Kaylor version, but they are deeply closeted and still at the height of their careers) oh, my fragile, gay heart!!

--

When Celia does die from her illness Evelyn describes her reaction with:

      “I fell to the floor.” (Pg. 350)

  I'm HERE on the KITCHEN flooOOOOr 

Don’t TOUCH MEEEEEE

After Celia’s death Evelyn truly stops hiding in the closet:

     “I could not keep my true self from coming out.” (Pg. 353)

  “It cost so much, caring. I didn’t have any currency to spend on it.” (Pg. 354)

  “People were still easily distracted from seeing how I felt about Celia St.     James, but this time was different because I wasn’t hiding anything. The truth   had been there for them to grab if they’d paid attention.”

  “But of course they got it wrong. They never did care about getting it right. The    media are going to tell whatever story they want to tell. They always have.     They always will.”

To me this is the essence of the Reputation era, Taylor having realized that she can’t make the media she the truth so she just avoids them and tells the truth to those of us who are paying attention. This time it’s different, because she isn’t hiding anything.

  There will be no further explanation. There will be just reputation

--

Evelyn saying it made her happy to spend money on her loved ones (Pg. 356) makes me think of Taylor being so extra with the fans ❤

--

  “No one is just a victim or a victor. That’s Evelyn Hugo for you, somewhere     in the middle.” (Pg. 366)

--

   “She’s painfully human to me now.” (Pg. 371)

Is that Monique saying that about Evelyn Hugo after finding out her true life story or is it me saying it about Taylor Swift after falling down the Gaylor rabbit hole? No one knows for sure…

--

  “Evelyn is going to die when she wants to and she wants to die now.” (Pg.375)

  I'm sorry, the old Taylor can't come to the phone right now (Ooh, look what you made me do)  Why? (Look what you made me do)  Oh, 'cause she's dead!

                                //

  in the death of her reputation she felt truly alive

                     The huge difference between the death of Taylor Swift and the death of Evelyn Hugo is that Evelyn’s death is literal and Taylor’s is figurative.

Despite this Evelyn’s death is somehow every bit as cinematic as Taylor who just recently killed off her reputation in order to feel truly alive. They’re both still doing it on their own terms, literally controlling the narrative that is their lives up until their last breaths (figurative as well as literal)

  “Evelyn trusts me with her story. Evelyn trusts me with her death.” (Pg. 377)

Just as Taylor is trusting us with the death of her false reputation and the truth of her actual story and narrative.

  “The tears that come out of me feel as if they were decades in the making. It     feels as if some old version of me is leaking out, letting go, saying good-bye in     the effort of making room for a new me. Somehow both more cynical about   people and more optimistic about my place in the world” (Pg. 377-378)

Okay so this is a lot and it hit me right in the heart! I can only imagine this is just how Taylor felt when she decided that killing of her old reputation and public image was the right move. After everything that happen to her just before she decided to take a break to figure that stuff out (and everything that has happened for her entire career as far as bearding and hiding goes)I bet those tears felt decades (or at least a decade) in the making when they finally came. After all she’s been through in the industry since the age of 16 it’s no wonder if she feels cynical about people, but after taking the break to figure it out and deciding to COME out I’m sure she also feels optimistic now that she’s on the road to being herself publicly. She’s found her place in this world as out and proud and now she’s working towards getting to that place every day.

All these years she’s just been trying to find a place in this world and oh, Taylor, I am so glad you’ve found it! ❤

It must be such a relief to have made up your mind, to not have to be afraid anymore.

   “There’s still so much I don’t know about my father. Maybe he was gay. Maybe    he saw himself as straight, but in love with one man. Maybe he was bisexual.     Or a host of other words. But it really doesn’t matter, that’s the thing.” (Pg. 380)

This is an interesting quote, to Evelyn the word bisexual mattered a lot and to Celia the word lesbian did, as for Monique’s father we don’t know what he would have said on the matter concerning his own identity because he’s been dead since long before the book started. Ultimately Monique comes to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter what her father would’ve identified as, as long as she knew he loved her (which it has been shown throughout the book that he undeniably did.)

In the same way we could argue all day about whether Taylor is gay or bi or straight or a “a host of other words” for the time being we’re in much the same position as Monique, Taylor hasn’t told us and it’s not like we can just ask her, but does it matter? We all love Taylor and we know that she loves us. Her being in love with women and writing her songs about them instead of the men we were lead to believe were her muses doesn’t change that. In the end it’s not a big deal whether Taylor is gay or straight, we still love her, we came for her music that we related to and loved and then we ended up staying for Taylor, the person, because we fell in love with her and her storytelling. Who she loves doesn’t change that.  We love her and she loves us and that’s all that matters.

--

On page 382 GLAAD is mentioned by name as an organization that Evelyn gave most of her fortune to after her death.

The piece Monique ends up writing about Evelyn for Vivant summarizes the main theme of the both and to me it also summarizes what Gaylor Swift is about:

The TRUTH behind the SCANDAL that was her love life.

(Pg. 385)

And now for the final piece in this puzzle

And all our pieces fall  Right into place

🌈 🌈 🌈

--

Thank you SO much for reading all of these masterposts, I really hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed reading that amazing book and writing all of these parts!

[bemused-writer]

The Cain Saga Vol. 2 - The Sound of a Boy Hatching

Note: Warning for spoilers and for the content of the manga series itself. It is rated “explicit” for its themes.

Volume 2 really gets off to a much more solid start than volume 1 primarily because it's actually focusing on our main characters, their backstories, and what makes them tick. I'm very excited to see Mary Weather once more; she's Cain's half sister and she excels at fortune telling. Upon meeting Cain, she tells his fortune. She says: "This card [The Hanged Man] refers to a man who will bring sorrow and suffering into your life. I also see that there will be... three victims. And this is your fate card. It's death. [...] You're going to die soon."

Cain’s reaction to this is kind of great but Riff’s is especially perfect:

No, not generally considered funny at all.

Now, I have to say, Mary Weather appears to interpret tarot cards very differently from me. XD Or maybe Japan just has different associations in general but The Hanged Man isn't necessarily a negative card and neither is Death. Fiction often does a poor job portraying tarot, though... 

The Hanged Man usually means something along the lines of a perspective shift (because he's upside down), going down the less beaten path, etc. while Death shows the end of one thing and the beginning of something new. In other words, an intense change of some kind. Now, I don't know what spread Mary Weather was doing (and it obviously wasn't considered important to the plot) but I would love to know where she's getting some of this from. I mean, she could just be genuinely psychic and the cards are just for show. That might actually be what's happening; it's been too long and I can't quite recall. But if I had to hazard a guess (and I'm going to because I find this fascinating) I would say the first card was "what is around you" while the second card, as she says, is his fate card. If I'd been doing the interpreting I would have assumed something more along the lines of The Hanged Man represents someone around Cain who will make him reevaluate how he views things/force him to alter his habits (could easily be any number of the villains that constantly plague him) and as for the fate card , Death, I would have said that he had to let something go (most likely his past) in order to make peace with the present. He's holding something back, change is on the horizon, etc. ...I guess what I'm saying is that if you're going to bring tarot into a story be prepared for anyone who actually uses tarot to judge your interpretations of the cards. XD Anyway, as far as the story itself is concerned, Mary Weather is right on the money. Three people die in this short story (including her friend) and as for Cain's fate card... well, it remains to be seen. Either way, he decides to take care of Mary Weather and brings her back with him. Also, it's a relatively minor detail, but we learn that his father had affairs. We learn a lot more about his father in the very next chapter and it appears that his having affairs was the least alarming thing about him.

There’s also one more thing about Mary Weather’s prediction that I want to point out:

It would be easy to say this was referencing this chapter only but that’s not the case and Mary Weather’s prediction will only become more pertinent as the series goes on.

But before that, the final section of this chapter drives home a point that the previous volume was trying to make as well: self-sacrifice is the truest expression of love. As far as this series is concerned, if you love someone, you'll prove it by dying for them. 

The second chapter is the one that really gets to the heart of the series as a whole: Cain, his father, Alexis Hargreaves, and Riff. It's really weird seeing Riff and Alexis speaking with one another amicably and it only gets stranger as Riff learns how cruel Alexis really is. Up to this point, we haven't really had a reason to think much of Riff; he seems loyal to Cain and he seems to be a good butler. That's literally all we know about him. But knowing how loyal he is to Cain only makes it more surreal as he stands by as Alexis whips his child's back. Riff is horrified, of course, but he doesn't really do anything aside from wonder why Cain still thinks his father loves him.

Honestly, I know whipping a child was a far more common punishment at this point in time but considering he's being whipped hard enough it's leaving scars on his back, reminiscent of how brutal a slave's punishment might be around this time period, you'd think Riff would be a little more concerned, especially since we just learned Riff was at one point training to be a doctor. Of course, there's a possible reason for why he isn't but I'll get back to that around when we get into Godchild.... Anyway, the reason Cain trusts Riff is pretty straightforward: Riff was kind to him when he was a child (he was 12 in this chapter, which would put Riff at 23), he acknowledged his presence when other servants wouldn't, and he swears to stay at his side, always. Cain has no reason not to trust Riff when he's done more for him than any other adult in his life has. I will point out, that while I'm going to assume this changes at some point, as a child Cain seemed to view Riff a bit like a possession, which is a decidedly aristocratic opinion. Riff doesn't do anything to dissuade him of this notion, which seems to indicate they're both very much of their time and status. Also, Riff was told Cain was somewhat strange by Alexis. When he finally meets Cain, he acts very strangely ("You can see me?") and promptly faints in his arms but this is what he thinks:

You don’t find this strange? XD Twenty-three-year-old Riff wasn’t as with it as present-day Riff....

Now, why does Riff stay with Cain? He's intrigued by him, that much we know for sure, and he wants to care for someone who has been so badly mistreated. Both of these reasons make sense but there is a final statement made by Riff that raises some questions:

You only exist to serve him? You’ve only met him!

But if you combine it with what Alexis said earlier in this panel here:

It’s all looking pretty sinister. 

At the end of the chapter, Riff accidentally draws a tarot card from Mary Weather's deck. We don't see which one it is (and I can't remember if it's ever revealed) but considering what I do remember about the series I would guess he drew something like The Tower (chaos, destruction, shaken beliefs, etc.) or possibly The Moon (the shadow self, hidden depths, etc.) but that would be with my interpretations of the cards and, as we saw earlier, those do not match up with the manga's. 8D Now, Cain's father appears to die in this chapter but he, along with Cain's mother, are used as an explanation for why Cain's life is so cursed. In short, Alexis had a wife but the only woman he ever "loved" was his sister, Augusta. He forced himself on her and so she had Cain. The whole ordeal drove her mad and Cain only met her twice in his life at the asylum. The second time she saw Cain drove her to kill herself by jumping through a window because he looked like Alexis. On her deathbed she finally recognized him for who he actually was and she warned him to get away from Alexis, that her death would only make him worse. This is also when Cain realizes the truth of his heritage, which was hinted at pretty strongly this whole chapter:

And this isn't the first time a woman went mad around young Cain. The woman he thought was his mother (Alexis's actual wife) blamed him for his father's distant attitude toward her and she tried to kill him with a scythe. Where did she find a scythe, you ask? I have no idea. Maybe this is the kind of thing people just had on hand back then for the occasional head-lopping. (And yes, I know farmers use them to cut wheat but ... they weren't farmers.)

Present day Cain sometimes sounds a little sexist ("Why do girls love to do such impractical things?") but considering that's about as bad as it ever gets with him and considering how easily his perceptions would have been influenced by his past... I'd say we're doing pretty good. Now, when Alexis tries to kill Cain for "murdering" Augusta, he makes an interesting remark: "You took the only person I loved from me. Now you'll see what that feels like, Cain!" He's pointing the gun at Riff, the person he mentioned earlier was the only person who could "tame" Cain. It's pretty early in the series and his words could be meaningless but we already know Cain trusts Riff, so there could be some truth there. His father also says, "You'll go through life unloved and die alone." I suppose we'll see if that turns out to be true or not. But now we've gotten to see why Cain trusts Riff and, to a lesser degree, why Riff stays at his side despite how dangerous that actually is and we have some very good reasons to dislike Alexis. The third chapter is ... well, it tells us a little something about Cain, I suppose but it's largely just a murder mystery. Cain is meeting up with another friend (I honestly don't remember him having this many friends. So far they've all ended up dead or insane, though, so maybe that's why...). This one is named Professor Lambert and his wife dislikes Cain, which seems to just be a common attitude towards Cain as we saw in volume 1. In this case, her issue with him is that his main hobby is the use of poisons, and I guess that is kind of a weird hobby. He's also kind of rude to her to boot, so... Anyway, her husband, Lambert, makes a comment early on that already had me disliking him:

He's awfully cavalier about the fact that the second Cain comes to visit a girl dies. His inquiry about Riff also strikes me as odd; aristocrats did not much care about servants and I doubt they would have been asking about them. This goes to show that Riff is at Cain's side so constantly that to see him without is odd (Riff is largely absent in this chapter). He also asks about Mary Weather. It's noteworthy that Cain doesn't answer any of his questions whatsoever and simply discusses his wife's disliking of him. Anyway, the theme of this chapter is, once again, perverted love. In this case, Professor Lambert is a pedophile and he's the one who killed the girl at the beginning of the chapter, Elsie. Cain kills him using poison as he explains how he deduced everything and that the only reason he came was because he was hoping Mary Weather could meet Elsie. Apparently, they were friends at some point. So, Mary Weather now has two dead friends (she doesn't know about this one though) and all of Cain's acquaintances are bad. I'm also not sure how I felt about Elsie's portrayal in this story. Lambert killing her is being framed as definitely bad but their relationship itself is kind of just ... acknowledged, which seems like a weird way of handling something like that.

So, the main thing we’ve learned regarding Cain is he just wants to spoil Mary Weather. He wanted to find her a friend, failed, bought her some kind of present instead. I guess that's nice...? 

Also, Cain smokes:

We see more of indulgent/protective big brother Cain in the next chapter. When Mary Weather admits knowledge of a grisly murder and says a servant told her, this is his reaction:

Riff is clearly exasperated; he probably knows Mary Weather is going to find this stuff out regardless, but he'll do as Cain asks. It also begs the question: how many people have been fired for this sort of thing?

As for Cain, he apparently wants to preserve Mary Weather's innocence. Considering his own childhood, I think I understand why. I think it might be too late, though, judging by the Mother Goose Nursery Rhymes she shares with Cain when he admits no one taught him any (and, you know, the time she spent having to live on her own).

That is the face of a man who is only now realizing children’s stories are deranged.

I feel like Cain is behaving out of character compared to what we saw of him before at the actual ball, though. 

There's a woman at the ball he goes to named Gladys who is married. She didn't go to the ball with her husband, so everyone things she's available. Cain knows she's married, she hits on him, and the two go upstairs for some "activities" but she suddenly stops them.

I suppose Cain isn't really protesting exactly; possibly he's trying to warn her about the ignoble nature of other men, but it seems odd to have this after we see how much he didn't push Bibi despite literally paying her for her services:

I don't have a problem with Cain being promiscuous or anything but I think there could have been a better way of demonstrating the fact. This kind of tone is such a typical trope of shoujo manga from the era that I’m not sure if we’re supposed to be reading this deeply into it, however...

But Gladys does explain her behavior regardless and I just ... I'm not sure this is sound logic. XD

I understand wanting to confirm whether you're a sleepwalking murderer, but seducing other men to do it seems like quite the extra mile.

I should probably clarify that the whole dilemma of this chapter is that she does, in fact, think she’s a sleepwalking murderer due to how she keeps hearing a nursery song and then someone winds up dead while she sleeps. Regardless, Cain gets caught up in the whole thing and gets to know both Gladys and her husband, Radcliff.

...And Cain has gone from seducing the wife to hitting on the husband.

I don't think he's prepared for that, Cain... Also, Kuroshitsuji has been compared to this series before (and quite understandably) but this panel really drives home the similarities to me:

A young(er) aristocrat, lounging about, as the servant reads off some details about a murder mystery, and they solve it together? The aristocrat comes from a cursed family? The butler is weirdly good at everything? I mean...? Toboso must have read this. The main difference is that while Toboso dances around the dark subjects in her manga (for the most part; certain arcs are more blatant) Kaori Yuki will just flat out tell you all the horrible things happening. I think this story has the most sympathetic characters so far, though. Gladys and her husband, Radcliff, are both a bit ditzy and a lot of fun because of it. But seeing as this is The Cain Saga no one can remain happy for long. In short, Radcliff was actually the murderer and he did it because he was being confronted by noblemen who had used him in his youth (it's kept somewhat vague but it was almost certain sexual abuse). Gladys is shocked that her husband would kill anyone and because of that short shock/rejection, he kills himself. I think this is the first time we see Cain actually regret getting involved in a case. He says to Riff: "Everyone has scars that they would rather die than let their loved ones see." 

He's speaking of Radcliff's physical scars, of course, but also the emotional ones left from abuse. He is also referring to the exact same duality in himself. He has physical scars but it's the emotional ones he really doesn't want anyone to know about. He understands the pain Radcliff was going through all too well and can see himself in him. He never meant for Gladys to wind up a widow either. He was trying to solve a murder mystery but in this case the men being targeted deserved to die. I think this is also the first time we see Cain dealing with people that aren't related to him or a previous acquaintance in any way. The last chapter of this volume is pretty short but it shows us how Cain's extended family dealt with Alexis's death and the fact someone needed to take care of Cain. In short, they dealt with it badly! One of Cain's cousins, Andrew, attempted to kill him the previous night. It came about because Cain overheard he embezzles from the Hargreaves treasury. However, it turns out it wasn't Cain who died but an unnamed friend of his he'd switched clothes with beforehand.

This raises so many questions and no answers are offered. Did he intend for this friend to die? Did he intend to take him from the orphanage and adopt him...? And why is this "first friend" never mentioned again? How did they even meet? But the woman who killed him is given justice; Cain kills her in turn. ...The aristocracy is unpleasant. And that wraps up volume 2! I really enjoyed this one. The stories are a lot stronger overall and they all focus on Cain in some way, which makes for a much more consistent tone.

[elizabethrobertajones]

How after the mixtape are Dean and Cas' romantic feelings not considered canon? That shit was not subtext and even if you disregard the Mary and John Led Zepplin connection, mixtapes are almost exclusively romantic in fiction not to mention the whole returning one as a break up and framing of the scene. I just don't understand how even to the GA that was ambiguous. Honestly these moving goalposts are very confusing to me. Aside from PR not mentioning it I don't get what more the show needs (1/2)

to do, to establish that yes it’s written as romantic but that they are not in the being together stage. We don’t know what will happen in the future but to me 12x19 pretty clearly showed that at least at that point in their relationship, that’s where they were at. I wondered if you had any thoughts on it because it’s been nagging at me for a while? (2/2)

I mean, yeah, I have a LOT of thoughts about it because it was a sea change in the way Destiel presented, for me. There’s been MULTIPLE moments which took it up another notch, at pretty regularly spaced intervals through the show. I know my personal limit, when bingewatching 4-6 for the first time after an unintentional break from the show, was 6x20. Everyone who got into the ship without being prompted has a a moment along the way, whether it was considering all the ship teasing seriously, or thinking something about the narrative, or whatever, got to that moment where they actually hit the goalposts and started taking it seriously. 

I think several of the past moments that I find really important are also statements of intent - 9x18 for me was when I went from casual viewer and while I believed in Destiel I also saw it entirely as a subtextual creation that was not sort of… for serious consideration as a narrative tool/character endgame the show would ever even nod towards at the end of the day… to definitely thinking they were at the very least intentionally building their story with these blocks, and that it was worth investigating and exploring… That was Metatron asking us to consider the subtext and how it was a part of the story. That it wasn’t something that passes by like that but that there is an awareness and that it can and will give the story meaning. The episode being so full of strong Destiel subtext, it put me firmly where I am now in meta fandom with an overnight transformation >.> 

And 10x05 was the other one where there was a serious goalpost, where “Destiel” was said in text and a pseudo Destiel depiction happened on screen… To whatever degree it was jokey or wish fulfilment or could be interpreted this way and that as a statement to how Destiel stood in the text, it gave it a weight and presence it hadn’t had before. Even though fans had had a name for it all along, there’s something very important about naming the thing within the story and even having Sam sound out different versions of the name with pedantic detail. Between that and “I’ll just wait here then” it really established Destiel in the subtextual building blocks of the show in a fascinatingly meta way. 

Then for all the random canon events of maybe extreme shippiness, it was 12x19 that for me was a real SHIFT when it came to perceptions and presentation in the story, because of course even on the surface level it’s an extremely romantic trope to give a mixtape, and ignoring all the other analysis of the scene which only makes it worse, it betrays an enormous amount of emotion and care between Dean and Cas, in a way that’s coded strongly to our cultural perceptions as a romantic gesture having passed between them. Which means it’s another goal scored when it comes to… upping the ante of not-quite-canon-ness? 

I sort of feel like Cas’s death and return and all the connected stuff from the moment he’s stabbed through Dean saying “I do” and hugging him under the romeo+juliet glowing neon cross was either a further upping of the ante, or just showing us how to play in the rules which now exist post-mixtape, where this is the level of implied canon it’s at now… 

I mean I honestly keep saying and I mean it that pretty much since the mixtape or 12x23 I’ve been quite lost about how to handle Destiel in the sense that these were goalposts I didn’t even know I would expect the show to meet, or that if they did it would be the implied canon ending of the show where it gives us an equivalent gesture and leaves us to wonder what it was about. Instead it happens at this point and we’ve got over a season of Dean n Cas portrayed as exasperated husbands and all my interest and expertise in lawyering subtext to prove how gay it is has been left behind in its wake, so I’m just here to enjoy myself and see how it pans out now, because I set my own personal goalposts of what I assumed the show would do much lower than what Dabb set? Like, the reverse problem of people who keep moving them rather than examine the subtext and see what it says fairly without trying to lawyer their way out of what all these implications are instead. :P

But at least the mixtape made it very clear to me that you can now sort out the people who will NEVER accept something as good enough proof that the show even has romantic subtext for Dean n Cas and refuse to understand why people see it or ship it. To discount that entire conversation and the clearly expressed feelings of concern for each other, regardless of shipping, in order to claim that they don’t mean that much to each other and it’s ooc to suggest otherwise, means they’re doing the harder work when it comes to interpretation and THAT is a flipping of the stances from pre-mixtape where plausible deniability and doubt and stuff all mixed together to make it at least an awkward sell to people who hadn’t thought of it that way yet, and empowered people who wilfully didn’t want to see it. 

The Cas death arc just gave us more fodder for where shippers do less work than people who actively want to deny that Dean cares. 

But for general audiences, I think it’s quite easy to get stuck at the stage where I was pre-9x18 where Dean n Cas might even seem to be somewhat a ~confirmed couple~ except that people will lend it no credit to intent or their importance to each other in the emotional endgame, just for reasons of it not being done, or not thinking it’s possible, or in general not putting in the attention and time to piece together the relationship that a definitive canon statement would cause them to do a double take on. And that even if they then say they knew it all along, because many of these goalposts are unmissable in some senses, the credibility lent to the ship is fully missable without knowing to give it. Which is the whole problem, really. 

I’ve known the show long enough to feel its old school bones pretty deeply so I feel like that affects my personal perspective on… owedness of canon or where I started to take it seriously, and how much of the old gods of TV vs new gods possibility I would casually see in its genetic makeup. So 12x19 - being written by the new gods of TV - took the show a step further as Dabb seems to be the first showrunner of that generation of TV writers vs the ones who would play the subtext game forever - and that’s really unsettling to me. In the sense that there’s some sort of storytelling subversion thing going on here and my understanding is still kinda maybe rooted in an older postmodern take than what might end up being labelled something entirely new by future scholars… And a lot of that to me is in expectations and tropes no longer being what they were and I end up thinking of all the factors from the mass-saturation of media vs everything having to be new and individual to be considered worthy, to the effect of the internet, and the political climate in America, and the world the younger millennial writers grew up in (and we can see that literally warring with Buckleming’s old school writing in the show), and not just storytelling but representation of all walks of marginalised life coming into it, and it’s all a bunch of stuff that probably soon there’ll be a bunch of interesting scholarship on, but in the mean time we’re all riding the wave and in my personal experience I feel like we don’t even know what our surfboards are any more. 

I mean 12x23 seriously knocked me into orbit when it came to my understanding of the show, and I haven’t recovered yet. And since I spend a lot of time over-thinking as a matter of course, this is a tiny percentage of the ridiculous musings I have on it all and why I can’t just get mad at it for goalpost issues, and why I feel people lag behind and stuff. I feel like WE are lagging behind, even the people who claim to know everything about the show and analyse it all the time, and the best we can do is take it as it comes and see… But this is very much an utter fascination with watching Dabb era shed Carver era’s subtext cocoon and start testing its bizarre, mirrored, fractal wings.

[thedrunkenminstrel]

Malk’s top ten ships

So @parttimebetawarrior did it and I’m nothing if not a copy-cat so I decided to be a pain in the butt and write a thing about my favorite fictional ships. Come to me tomorrow and this list will probably change and jumble around, but they’re still relationships I love from stories that helped me out. 

So check it out if you want. 

10)Yukiteru Amano/Yuno Gasai

Future Diary has a lot, and I mean a lot of problems. The girls are all fetishized to an uncomfortable degree, and a lot of the diary powers only make sense upon multiple readings viewings, and there are points of it that are just interesting drags.

But the relationship between Yuki and Yuno, as deeply unhealthy as it is (deliberately so) is a fascinating story of two terrible people falling in love. Do either of them deserve love? Maybe not? Does love make them better? Absolutely not. But they still need it in a world that has been cruel and awful to them, and maybe that’s the only thing that matters. Especially to a pair of broken, horny teens.

Plus they actually bang, and when was the last time that happened in a manga?

9)Rock/Revy from Black Lagoon

Two for two in unhealthy ships. Revy is a gunslinging berserker who has never known a peaceful life and Rock is a brilliant but repressed office worker who gets dragged into the crime-ridden streets of Roanapour. It’s a classic story of people from different worlds coming together like you see in movies like Titanic or Romeo & Juliet.

What makes Rock and Revy different though? Well, violence honestly, and each character’s relationship to it. Revy both disdains Rock’s previously peaceful lifestyle and is envious of it. She respects and even loves Rock in her own broken way, but can’t get over his naivete and his privilege that keeps him from understanding why she would do something like graverob. Rock knows he should be horrified and disgusted by what Revy does, but finds her and her way of life incredibly seductive.

8) Shirou Emiya/Rin Tohsaka from Fate/Stay Night

Yeah yeah, I’m tsundere-loving trash, what do you want from me? These two are great together though, and they compliment each other both in a relationship and combat, and it’s fun to see Shirou’s cool-headedness and dumbass bluntness bounce of the much more self-aware and insecure Rin.

And they respect one another, though for Shirou that respect takes some earning. There’s a journey here of both of them learning and becoming better people, as they fight through the insanely complicated world of Fate. Plus, Shirou grows up to Archer. He ages well. Good going, Rin.

7) Gomez Addams/Morticia Addams from the Addams Family

Ah finally, a healthy one. They’re creepy and they’re kooky, mysterious and spooky, they’re a functioning family unit. For all the weirdness of the Addams and how much people are freaked out by them, they’re undeniably healthy: endlessly loving and romantic to each other and equally doting on their… less healthy children. They do them and they’re happy, especially when they’re doing each other, and that’s what a good relationship’s all about.

6) Kobayashi/Tohru from Dragon Maid

Another anime with a lot of problems, namely in its loli and shota shit, but the relationship between Kobayashi and Tohru is something that makes the show more than worth it.

People argue about the sexualities of the character so I’m just going to say that I see Tohru as a lesbian and Kobayashi as bi. Much like the Addams, what makes this relationship work for me is the combination of the fantastic and the domestic. Tohru is a dragon with cosmic powers that cooks steak for her career woman girlfriend, and despite being a bit of a grump, Kobayashi is fascinated and engaged with Tohru, even though Tohru needs to learn to turn it down. There is a genuine tenderness to the relationship and a message of not just understanding each others’ differences, but learning to love them.

5) Peter Parker/Mary Jane from Spider-man

Okay, this relationship has been through its rough patches: retcons, a miscarriage, and that godawful ‘smoker’ subplot, but there’s a reason people keep going to these two: They work so well together.

People say Gwen Stacey is the best Spider-man girl, but they forget that Gwen’s hatred of Spider-man kept her from ever being able to love Peter Parker in his fullness and kept Peter from being able to be honest with her, but Mary Jane is the one who could take Spider-man and Peter Parker as a whole, noble, messed-up package.

Peter Parker, the self-obsessed nerd and Mary Jane the empathic party girl complement and teach each other. Mary Jane can understand and be there for Peter in a way others can’t, and Peter can bring the quiet intimacy she can never have in her life, though admittedly that comes with the stress of a superhero husband. 

4) 2B/9S from Nier: Automata

And back to my horrifically unhealthy ships. Nier: Automata’s a heavy game, dealing with existentialism and the cycle of violence. I’m pretty sure I’ve talked these two to death time and time again, but I love repeating myself so:

2B and 9S are creatures created for violence to do violence, specifically for a repetitive, cyclical war and have been defined by that their whole life. Through that entire thing, what have they had except for themselves? When you factor in the violence and resentment that has a weird parallel with a lot of real life relationships, you get something that feels raw and violent, but nonetheless filled with love and pain. That’s what the world is after all: it’s cruel and filled with pain and everyone is going to hurt you, even the one most important to you. But there’s hope and there’s love and we can keep going for that.

3) Kraft Lawrence/Holo The Wisewolf from Spice & Wolf

Spice & Wolf gets a reputation which, while not entirely undeserved, has more to do with its marketing than the content of the show. It was a show that surprised me so much the first time I watched it. I didn’t realize a romance show could be like this. I didn’t know fantasy shows could be like this. I didn’t know anime could be like this. It was so down-to-earth and subdued and, despite its fantastic setting, real.

Then there’s Lawrence and Holo. While Holo’s definitely a magical girlfriend who comes out of nowhere, it avoids the anime cliches. She doesn’t bring Lawrence into a world of adventure or save him, but rather they enter a partnership, and in the most brutal terms, that is what a relationship is.  It’s a level of maturity that permeates the relationship that I love. There is friction and dire points, and the characters screw up, but in understandable ways, and they work to amend it. The anime isn’t above some ‘hurr durr I walked in on her naked’ nonsense, but the two handle it like adults rather than like overactive cartoon characters. Lawrence himself will also actually flirt back with Holo and comment on her ‘nice tail’ ho ho ho. It’s nice to see a male lead in an anime that’s somewhere between completely agency-less and a predatory creep.

In any case, if you haven’t seen Spice & Wolf, please see Spice & Wolf, it’s the best romance anime made.

2) Okabe Rintarou/Makise Kurise from Steins; Gate

Hot damn, where do I start with these losers? I’ve made no secret that I find a lot of parallels between these two and my own relationship, an abrasive nerd who shows affection by being verbally obtuse and somehow has managed to gather a group of friends through some weird force of personality and a charming brilliant girl who gets easily flustered by the teasing, but also enjoys terrorizing the other party as well. I love the model of bickering made out to be flirting, and it never feels more genuine than here/

Beyond that, they’re just purely lovable people and their entire progression of romance just feels, again, real. They feel like real people feeling real emotions. They’re not as mature as Lawrence and Holo, but they do care and grow and ultimately, the show becomes about what you will do for the most important person in the world to you, as well as understanding what makes someone the most important person in the world to you.

If you haven’t watched Steins; Gate WATCH STEINS; GATE

1) Minato/Aigis from Persona 3

I played Persona 3 during a very hard time in my life. So that probably influences stuff, but boy. These two, guys. These two.

Minato and Aigis approach life in a weirdly similar way. Aigis has just entered into understanding what life is and Minato is a step away from the ledge at the point where they meet. Aigis is single-minded, and Minato is detached… it seems at first that the relationship is superficial, and later it is.

Being close to Minato hurts Aigis numerous times, including the most painful final time, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have done it or that it was worthless. Persona 3 is a game about how life will hurt you, but life is still worth living. That’s Aigis’ last lesson to learn by the end of the game. She ends up fighting not for the world of humanity, or even her friends, but for one man she found. And you don’t need to save the world to find meaning in life. All you need is something simple, like someone to take care of.

And damn are those not some of the best words ever put in a video game.

[the-far-bright-center]

eventually, even stars burn out

“Sometimes there are things no one can fix.”

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve become increasingly concerned that my days in the SW fandom (or at least, the tumblr side of it) may be numbered.

I very much hope I’m wrong about this. So, on the slight chance that it might help somehow, I’ll try to explain why I feel this way right now.

As most of you know, I have an extremely fraught and complicated relationship with Disney’s so-called ‘new canon’ material, which all began when TFA left me so heartbroken that I’ve been unable to trust anyone at all with Star Wars ever since. I struggle to believe that the Skywalker saga will ever be treated with the adequate respect and care that it requires, and I fear that new material will only attempt to further erode its original mythic meaning....just so the ‘story’ can be continued on indefinitely. It is therefore difficult if not impossible for me to be excited about ‘new canon’ content, because ever since TFA I view every single piece of SW media released by Disney with (imo warranted) mistrust and skepticism.

After a certain SW animated series ended earlier this year, I had thought I would finally be free from the strain of constantly worrying about ‘new’ content. My blacklists covered most of the major things I didn’t want to see, and tumblr’s filter feature seemed to take care of the rest. It still took some careful navigating not to run into sequels-related crap and other random shit, but it was not impossible. I’d breathed a sigh of relief, and carried on minding my own business, living in my SW happy place where the things that distressed me didn’t exist.

But then some news broke, and suddenly, my hard-won calm was shattered. It felt like someone had kicked the heart right out of me. My carefully constructed safe space felt safe no longer. I’d thought the PT and TCW era would be safe from Disney, at least for a while. But I was wrong. It was like all the faint hope I had left for my ability to withstand the current Disney!SW onslaught fled from me in a single instant, and have been in a state of anxiety, depression, and despair ever since.

I’ve been so scared, because the last time I felt this despondent was after TFA, when I honestly thought I would never feel anything warm and light and beautiful about Star Wars ever again. And it ended up taking me YEARS to move beyond that, and to reclaim my feels and to get into the headspace I needed to be in to truly enjoy it again.

And I just... don’t know if I have that kind of energy anymore. The last three years have taken a huge toll (in RL I mean, not just in fandom). On top of my seemingly never-ending mental health struggles, I’ve had some physical ailments that went un-diagnosed for a long time and for which I’m only just starting to receive treatment. I’m always tired, mentally, physically, and emotionally. All of this makes the prospect of going through that same process all over again seem daunting, if not completely impossible.

Because back then, after TFA, when I felt that I’d ‘lost’ the Original Trilogy, I still had other places to turn. I was able to go back in time, and re-ignite my passion for SW again by re-watching the PT and TCW. But now? will those be taken from me too? have they already? is too late ?

(Have I just been delaying the inevitable, all this time?)

Horrible thoughts like this keep coming into my mind. Despite this, I haven’t given up totally...not yet. I’m still hanging on, or at least ...trying to. But in the midst of all this, I’ve been attempting to figure out what exactly is going on here. Why do these things upset me so badly that it causes me such intense emotional reactions? To the point that I can hardly converse with friends online anymore, without fear what they will say? To the point that I can’t even talk to my (very supportive) husband about Star Wars anymore without freaking out about spoilers?? To the point that I even end up feeling suicidal at times? Why does it feel like my whole world is collapsing?

Maybe it’s as simple as the fact that, when I was growing up, ‘Star Wars’ was always, from as long as I can remember, something that was ‘finished’. Complete. It was over. And its completeness was a source of comfort to me from the start. Here was a story that contained darkness and struggle, but which had an ending. And an uplifting, mythic, and spiritual one, at that.  And even later, when I was a teen and in my early 20s during the release of the Prequels, it was still something that had an end in sight. From the beginning of the PT, we knew that once those three episodes were over, the saga would be complete.

And that’s just the thing. With Disney’s Star Wars, there is no end in sight. It is something that, for all intents and purposes, could be dragged on indefinitely. And that thought is terrifying enough to make me start feeling panicky all over again. Years and years of feeling like this, all the time?? Dear Force, make it stop. D:

It’s becoming clear to me that it’s not just about one particular piece of media that I want to avoid. It’s not just the fact that something so close to my heart has at times been treated disrespectfully or even threatened with annihilation, and that I’ve felt helpless to prevent it. It’s not about my various and sundry issues with Disney’s version of SW. It’s not even that I believe that all of Disney’s SW output is inherently ‘bad’ or bound to be terrible just because it’s under the brand of Disney. I mean, I’ve been willing and able to ignore the aspects of ‘new canon’ that I loathe, and pick and choose from the bits that I do enjoy (which are few and far between, but do, occasionally, still exist). And law of averages would suggest there would have to be some decent or even, gasp, quality content at times (see: Rogue One, for instance).

So what, then, is *really* causing me so much pain and anguish on an almost daily basis? What is making my continued attempts to be part of the ‘fandom’ feel so incredibly futile?? It’s not the additions to canon themselves, but rather the frequency and sheer number of them, along with the fandom reception of these potentially infinite ‘additions’ that are causing me so much turmoil.

In the years since TFA, I’ve attempted to deal with this by viewing Disney’s ‘new canon’ as just another version of an Expanded Universe—in other words, as something optional that is not required in order to understand and appreciate the original, and that only needs to ‘exist’ in my mind and as a part of my headcanon if I wish it to. So, despite how much some of this material hurts me on a personal level, and despite the fact that the sheer amount of it makes it difficult to navigate around, up til now I’ve been able to continue as at least a semi-functional SW fan in its wake.

But lately, I’m beginning to be concerned that this method is not an adequate way of dealing with this. Because, even though *I’m* perfectly capable of ignoring the ‘new canon’ material that I don’t want to see, my need to ignore it makes it almost impossible for me to interact with 99% of the rest of the fandom.

And without interaction, a major component of fandom itself is missing. And it’s that sense of isolation and alienation that is killing me.

While tumblr as a platform has changed the face of online fandom for many (and made it unrecognizable to me in so many ways), I am still very old school in that I believe that the main purpose of fandom is to a) enjoy what we love to the nth degree, b) share what we love with each other, and c) through discussion about our shared fictional passions, create transformative fanworks, such as fanfiction, fan art, edits, fan vids, metas, etc.

This may seem like I’m stating the obvious, but unfortunately for a vast majority on tumblr, “fandom” has become less about the above, and far moreso about keeping up with actors’ and creators’ social media accounts, using fiction as a platform for ‘performative’ social justice in which people show off how ‘woke’ they are, and, worst of all (for me), constantly fixating on announcements, trailers, and news about ‘the next big thing’. It seems like, for many fans, speculation about upcoming releases is more important than enjoying the content that already exists. It’s what they LIVE for. And the minute those new pieces of media appear, everything else that came before is just... forgotten, or cast aside, in favour of it. This leaves me feeling like I’ve been left in the dust. Because, for me, the mere idea of ‘the next big thing’ fills me with nothing but extreme anxiety, depression, panic, as though I have a giant black hole in the pit of of my stomach. I live in utter DREAD of SW news. So my ability to relate to other fans and to interact with them on any meaningful level has greatly diminished due to this factor alone.

In a smaller fandom, where announcements maybe happen once or twice a year at most, I can often weather it. For example, several years ago, I left a fandom for a certain popular tv series, but remained semi-active just for the sake of one particular ship from it that I still loved. I was able to avoid most news and spoilers because it was just one show with one season per year, and that was it. But with SW in its current form, with Disney’s need to pump out new content on what seems like an almost weekly or even daily basis, it’s becoming too much for me to bear.

As I said in a previous post,

 “.....one of my many problems with Disney’s current treatment of Star Wars is that there is such a thing as ‘too much canon’. In the days of the EU, it didn’t matter how much of that was released, because any and all of it could be dismissed at a given time, because it was never official canon. But nowadays, EVERY DAMN THING has a film, book, show, comic series, animated short, video game, etc. about it. And this actually angers and distresses me, because it begins to leave less and less room for headcanons and for fans’ imaginations to run free. When there is SO much ‘official’ canon that it covers all the backstories and little ‘in between moments’, where is the freedom for writing fic and just…imagining things? Star Wars is not Marvel-verse, and should not be treated as such. Not all canon is (or even SHOULD BE) considered  ‘equal’, and this is something that, in pre-Disney times, was understood and respected. The main saga films were canon. That was it. The rest of it fell into various gradations of ‘sub’-canon. And imo, that is how it should, ideally, still be.” 

To have constant ‘additions’ to a canon that is as long-established as Star Wars feels completely disingenuous to me. So each time something new is announced, it feels like a breaking of the fourth wall. A chipping away at my ability to continue *believing* in Star Wars. It feels like someone keeps bursting into a completed story to try to mansplain it to me, saying, ‘ha, just kidding!! it’s been 30 years, 20 years, 10 years, 5 years (etc) that you’ve loved this and believed in this, but ACTUALLY the story is not REALLY over! look over here, we want to make money off you so we’re pretending the story is continuing even though it’s fake and forced!! haha!!!’  

Most of my Star Wars ‘feels’ are predicated upon a very simple premise, and that is the fact that the Skywalker saga (aka the PT and OT), AS IT EXISTS IN ITS ORIGINAL STATE, is the story of Anakin Skywalker, and that it is a complete and coherent myth, and an ultimately uplifting and redemptive tale. Everything I love about Star Wars comes back to Anakin Skywalker, his cosmic role as the Chosen One, and his eventual redemption. The fact that he, through the power of his son’s unconditional love, returns to his True Self, breaks free of his chains and sacrifices himself for his loved one, setting himself and the galaxy free. Everything depends on it, and revolves around it. My love of Anakin and Padme, my love of Obi-Wan and Anakin. My love of Snips and Skyguy, my love of Luke and Vader. My love of the Skywalker family, and their entire PT and OT storyline. And of course, my love of Anakin himself.

And what is more, all of the above is likewise dependent on the fact that the OT generations’ tale is an unequivocally heroic one, and that its heroism is complete and lasting, on both familial and galactic scale. It is not something left unfinished for the subsequent generation(s) to ‘complete’. The original saga as *I* know it does not require the ‘next generation’ in order to make it truly heroic. As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, the tragedy of the Prequels is completely redeemed by the end of Return of the Jedi. It is NOT carried forward as some kind of ‘curse’ onto the next generation. The Skywalkers are representative of the state of the galaxy, and, through Anakin and Luke’s story in the OT, both they and the galaxy itself are  reconciled and made whole again once and for all. That is the entire point of the Chosen One prophecy, and of the metaphysical, galaxy-freeing role that redemptive love plays in the (original) Skywalker saga. If that seems ‘unrealistic’ to contemporary audiences, well, you know what?? Too freaking bad!! Star Wars is not supposed to be ‘realistic’, it’s supposed to be a MYTH.

Take that away, and there IS no Star Wars for me.

And yet, that is exactly what TFA attempted to do. It attempted destroy this basic long-held truth, and with it my ability to love and feel even anything remotely positive about Star Wars,  its story, and its characters. And so it is understandable, I would hope, that ever since then I would greet new ‘additions’ to the original canon with extreme mistrust, skepticism, and even outright despair.

But despite my (imo) perfectly legitimate and justifiable reasons for feeling this way, I still realize that having such, erm, extreme reactions to even the mere prospect of new or additional content is not ‘normal’. ‘Normal’ fans are happy when they get new ‘canonical’ content right?? Unfortunately, I am not and will likely never be able to be a ‘normal’ fan in this way. When it comes to Star Wars, I will never be able to feel even the remotest bit of excitement for any such new canon content. (Which, in this case, more often than not simply means ‘officially sanctioned by a giant corporation, created under a set of confusing, disjointed, and entirely arbitrary standards, and deemed permissible for you to consume and ‘believe in’ as a real version of characters and events’, but I digress...).

Everything I love and understand about Star Wars existed before Disney ‘did’ anything to it, and everything that I still value about Star Wars to this day is likewise not dependent on whatever Disney might try do to it in the present or future. But even though I know this on an intellectual level, whenever there is new content coming out, it nonetheless still feels like a mortal threat, looming on the horizon. It feels like it’s going to try to take away everything I love all over again. And I fall into despair because I honestly lack the strength to fight it.

(Or at least, I lack the strength to fight it alone.)

And so unfortunately, from my perspective (even though I know that of course people don’t intend it to come across this way), when other fans get so excited about the new stuff, and when it seems like they so readily just accept it without question, it ends up leaving me feeling as though I’ve been left behind. As though what *I* love is, in their eyes, not enough. That somehow, the original Skywalker saga is not enough. That loving Lucas-era canon, but not Disney’s, is just me limiting myself or ‘missing out’ somehow. Whereas, from my perspective, the original material IS ‘enough’. It feels complete. It IS complete. Believing it’s not complete seems to me to be exactly what Disney wants people to think, so they can justify all of their never-ending additions, re-writes, retcons, and continuations.

And thus every time Disney churns out more content, and I see people around me acting like this content is not just a fun (and entirely optional) addition, but is rather something essential that all fans ‘deserve’ and need (despite having been perfectly fine without it for years, if not decades), just makes me feel even more alienated than I already do. Again, it’s not merely the existence of the constant stream of ‘new’ content that is killing me, but rather the fact that this content is greeted with elation by what seems to be the majority of fans these days. Yeah I know this makes me sound like I’m just resentful and bitter that other people are happy. Please know I don’t begrudge others’ happiness. Rather, I’m just struggling with the fact that while others are excited, I cannot be, thus leading me to feel isolated and left out.

But since the last thing I want is to rain on anyone’s parade, I try to be sensitive to this. Other than my various early anti-TFA rants (which I got out of my system years ago), for the most part (with the occasional exception), I’ve been keeping mum on these matters. But more often than not, in order not to be a source of negativity to others, I just end up hiding away, not talking to anyone, retreating further and further within myself  to the point that I wonder what I’m even doing here anymore.

The level of pain and anxiety and stress that all of this—from the constant stream of new content, to fans’ reception of it, to my own desperate attempts to avoid and ignore it—causes me cannot be adequately summed up in just a few words. I struggle to convey how I feel to most people because I honestly don’t know how to explain it. I feel ridiculous for even writing it down. It sounds so silly when I type it out, even though in my heart and mind, this is a very real and debilitating issue. Every time something new is announced, I become sick to my stomach, I can’t eat or sleep, I have intrusive, racing thoughts, and I feel that I have to hide out for days, weeks, or even months. I have to limit who I can talk to, and WHAT subjects I can talk to them about. And each time, it begins to feel more and more futile to even bother trying to avoid everything. Like trying to swim upstream, or to remain upright in a tidal wave. It is a constant onslaught, and I’m not sure how much longer I can weather it.

(Yes, there are some underlying mental health issues going on here that no doubt contribute to things on some level. However, it’s a complicated situation, because for many years I have been turning to fandom as a sort of therapy for myself. My most beloved fictional universes, characters, relationships, and stories are a safe-space for me, a refuge I can retreat into when my existence becomes unbearable. A coping mechanism. I don’t use that term lightly either... some days, it literally keeps me alive. And so when that coping mechanism feels like it’s being ripped away, my downward spiral into the abyss is terrifyingly swift indeed. But this is an extremely personal matter, which I won’t go into any further here, because I don’t want to diminish the topic at hand, which is a legitimate and very real struggle of mine, and is something that affects me regardless of the state of my mental health at a given time.)

Just to be clear, I’m not trying to worry anyone. I’m not planning on going anywhere just yet, and hopefully not for a while. This blog is too important to me. The people I’ve met here are too important to me. Star Wars, such as it exists in my heart, is too important to me. Despite the fact that I’m struggling emotionally, and despite the fact that it’s increasingly difficult for me to find content for this blog, I have been determined not to abandon it, and have made sure that I have a queue ready for the days when I don’t feel up to posting.

That being said, I do feel the need to be honest here about just how much of a struggle it has been to hold on, and just how alienated I have felt from so much of what is considered the normal fandom experience. And to express my anguish and despair over the fact that I can never, ever be innocently excited about new content being released in this Disney era. Doesn’t matter what it is, or who makes it. Ever since TFA, I am simply unable to ever feel happy that it even exists in same world that I inhabit. And this makes me fear for my longevity in a fandom that seems to thrive on the very thing that I abhor most and that fills me with constant dread.

While I’m uncertain these days as to whether ‘happiness’ is even possible for me in this physical existence, I do feel that my fandom experience ought to be, at the very least, a source of comfort. But as more and more of my SW safe-spaces are eroded, as more and more words must be blacklisted, as more and more tags become ‘off limits’ to me, I have fewer and fewer corners of this fandom to which I can turn.

I wish things were not like this. I wish *I* were not like this. It would be so much easier if I could just be happy like everyone else. But sadly, it seems that when it comes to being able to participate in and enjoy SW fandom in its current form, something in me is fundamentally, irreparably, broken.

What I hope to accomplish by writing and posting this, I’m not entirely sure. Obviously, I am not trying to make anyone feel bad for enjoying what they enjoy. Nor am I even seeking ‘validation’ on this matter. Because, while there are no doubt others out there who feel similarly (and *big hugs* to them if they do), I am not actually looking for commiseration or to ‘wallow’ in misery at this time. For some reason that just makes things a hundred times worse. Because...I’m still trying to hold out hope that even someone as damaged as myself can nonetheless continue to love Star Wars and even be part of an active online community.

So for now, I just needed to get this off my chest in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, by doing so, I can find a way back from this.  

[dailythranduilproject]

Today it’s @floranocturna turn with being interviewed! I would like to thank you for sharing with all of us! - Mirky.

General Questions: Username(s) we can find you under: Floranocturna and The Real Floranocturna (FanFiction.Net)

What Media do you create? Fanfictions, sometimes image edits

Are you self-taught or did you go to art school? I have a Masters degree in Literature (and History) and writing is indeed my job, but writing fanfiction and fantasy stories is my passion.

Which artists have influenced your style? Mainly Tolkien and Rowling, but there are numerous others along the way,which have shaped my style into what it is now.

Which are your favourite artists? Fragonard and Boucher (yes I love French rococo) and in the fandom my favorite artists are Kinko-White and Bohemianweasel.

Where can we find your work? AO3, Wattpad, tumblr, FanFiction.net, Quotev, DeviantArt and Inkitt.

What would you say you are best known for in the fandom? My writing

Do you have a favorite pairing? *ahem* I ship Thranduil with me of course XD

Do you have a favorite creation of yours you are especially proud of? My ongoing Thranduil story *The Secret of the Forest*, which I have recently rewritten into a Thranduil/OC story (it used to be a reader insert before). I have been working on this since 2016 and this story is very close to my heart.

Do you have a favourite fictional character, besides Thranduil of course? Severus Snape, because I really love how his character is neither good nor evil and the astounding amount of depth Rowling gave him.

What other fandoms are you part of? Harry Potter, Game of Thrones, Avatar

Do you do commissions? Nope, sorry, no spare time left.

Any advice/words for others in the fandom?

First: Be kind and respectful and always remember that we are in this fandom to share our love for Thranduil and not to fight over him.

Second: Do not steal other people’s hard work. This is something I had to experience myself and it is NOT nice! Create your own works and if you cannot do that then support the artists by sharing their work and encouraging them with likes and comments.

Third: If you are a writer getting started I would like you to remember that only practice makes perfect. Keep writing, keep searching for that voice of yours and keep reading! Read books, read stories and then read even more! And then sit down and write again, let the words flow and don’t think about what others will think of it. Write for yourself and only when you feel comfortable with it, then put it out there for others to see. Don’t take criticism personally, but try to see it as a possibility to grow as an author.

Personal Questions:

If you could name a song (or two or three) that would describe you or your life, what would it be? ‘Unknown Legend’ by Neil Young, ‘Lost Direction’ by Beecake, ‘Resolve’ by Sleeping At Last

Favorite color? Green

Favorite Book? Since I cannot choose only one here go my top choices: ’The Silmarillion’, ‘The Lord of the Rings’ and ‘The Hobbit’ by Tolkien, Harry Potter 1-7 by Rowling, ‘Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell’ by Susanna Clarke.

Favorite movie? ‘The Fall’, because of its absolutely stunning cinematography, magical storytelling and of course Lee Pace and the adorable Cantinca Untaru.

Do you have a pet peeve? Ignorance and rudeness.

What country are you from? Austria, that place where the hills are apparently alive with the sound of music ;)

Who do you think you might have been in a past life? I have no idea, but hopefully someone remotely cool.

What do you like to do in your spare time other than create the media you work on? Photography, cosplay, reading and I enjoy taking walks alone or with my dogs while listening to music and thinking about new plot twists for my stories (yeah I can never really turn off the writing)

When did you join the fandom? I have been in the Tolkien fandom for a while (since the LOTR movies) and I have been a fan of Lee Pace already before The Hobbit movies (because of ‘the Fall’), but I started being more active around 2014/15.

TheMirkyKing’s Questions:

What is the hardest part of writing for you?

This is a difficult question, because many parts can be hard depending on my inspiration or the lack of it. The easiest part is usually the dialogue, because I just listen to what my protagonists say in my head and write it down. What’s hard is to keep track where everyone is standing, walking, moving around. Sometimes I think that my characters take on a life of their own and keep walking around and then I don’t know what are they doing. Sounds crazy, but it does happen! And actually sticking to my decisions regarding the plot is hard for me too, because I keep constantly having new ideas.

How do you fell about the upcoming series based off Middle-earth?

I do have mixed feelings about this. On one hand more Middle-earth is always a good thing and maybe a fresh take on Tolkien’s writings might bring a whole lot of characters and events to life on screen. But, and yes there is always a but, I honestly hope that the producers will not try to drag Middle-earth to Westeros, wanting to have a share in the success of Game of Thrones. Tolkien is not Martin and as much as I like Game of Thrones — hey, why do we have to wait until 2019 for that final season? —, I do not think that trying to imitate something that is successful in its own way is the path for this new Middle-earth series. Finding a new voice maybe even away from what Peter Jackson has set as standard might be a more logical and creative way to go.

If you could travel to Middle-earth, where would you want to call home?

This is an easy answer: Mirkwood of course. I would love to see Thranduil’s kingdom, especially after the War of the Ring, when the darkness has been destroyed and the forest has been renamed *Eryn Lasgalen*, the Wood of Greenleaves. I want to see the beauty of this primeval forest restored, the sunlit canopies of green and gold, the peaceful glades, flowers and trees growing in a new spring. Maybe even catch a glimpse of Thranduil’s new elk, which I am sure he will have. I’ve written about these woods so many times in my story that I somehow feel at home there although I’ve never even been there. Well, my heart is there and that is enough for me.

Follower Questions:

From @moonofmorrigan - How did you conceive the idea for your story, The Secret of the Forest?

This story started out quite simple because of my love for Thranduil, but it has grown into a much more complex project. I first had the idea of a romance, a love story with many obstacles involving an elf and a human. Over the course of 1,5 years many more layers have been added to it. I really love exploring Thranduil’s past, finding a credible backstory for his wife’s death and the many hardships he has suffered in his long lifetime, but I also have discovered that I enjoy playing around with my own characters, like the brothers Amardir and Faeldir. And the best part is that the readers like them too! This story is not just a fanfic about a beautiful Elvenking, but it is a story about love and loss, grief and sacrifice and the search for absolution. There are some universal truths to be found in this tale showing us that elves and humans might not be so different from each other after all.

From @moonofmorrigan - What things inspire you to continue writing it, and your original story about the dark elf?

Thranduil is the one thing that continues to inspire me every day to keep writing this story. But also all the readers and their comments, kudos, likes and votes keep me going. I am still overwhelmed by all the support I have gotten and the nice people I have met along the way in this fandom! My original story *The Enchanted Spring* about the dark elf Andor is my new ‘baby’ and I have a complete plot laid out already. It is quite different from my Thranduil story, although it does feature another beautiful elf. It is much darker and closer to folk tales and folklore. What I love about it is that this is all my own creation, no boundaries, no given facts. I can do whatever I want and play god in my world *evil laughter*.

@bellevox asked- I loved the fact that your husband made a song for your story. He’s a very talented musician! This is real love! If you do not mind, could you tell us a little about your family? If you do not want to, you do not need to.

I am really blessed to have such a loving husband! Not only does he support my writing, but he is also extremely patient and listens to my ramblings about plot twists, character arcs and synonyms. He has written 2 songs for my story (Nameless Lady and Thranduil’s Lament) and he keeps asking me for the next poem ;). As many of you must have guessed around here, I am a bit older than your average tumblr user, but hey, one is never too old to be passionate about something. I am a working mum of 5 (in between the age of 20 and 7) and we have 2 dogs (Yavanna and Nenya) and 3 cats (Mina, Zuko and Sansa). Our kids are growing up with Tolkien, Harry Potter and fantasy in general, Gandalf is a household name and even the little one can sing ‘They’re taking the hobbits to Isengard’ ;).

@beelovesbutterfly wanted to know- What is one cause that is dear to your heart?

As a mother of an angel baby, miscarriage and stillbirth are causes that are very close to my heart. These topics are still widely a taboo in our society and yet it happens to mothers all the time. I strongly believe that it is important to offer those mothers help and support and to let them know that they are not alone in their grief.

@beelovesbutterfly - What is your favorite flower? Daisy (it’s small, simple and perfect)

@beelovesbutterfly -Do you have a bad writing habit? I write too much. Just kidding, but no, seriously, I can deviate too much from what I want to say and I can spend hours researching synonyms and searching for that perfect word instead of just going ahead with the story. I’m trying to keep my sentences short and focused, but it’s difficult. And I have the tendency to get enamored with specific words, says my husband ;)

@beelovesbutterfly -Who is your Hollywood crush? **ahem** Lee Pace (obviously ;))

And from @eldritchmage - What story would you want to write about your favorite king that you haven’t written yet?

In have lots of other ideas about possible stories with Thranduil. I’ve been thinking on a story with an elvish OC, just to give it a different twist away from the dichotomy of mortal and immortal. But what I really would love to write is a humorous story, something light and funny and completely different from the angsty romance I am writing now. Possibly even a modern AU with Thrandy running a beauty parlor or something like that ;). I’m sure this would be loads of fun!

[bitletsanddrabbles]

Not a ship, but characters: Elsie Hughes or Cora? Carson or Robert?

First off, and this is very important, I really love all of these characters. Truly. I would have been really upset if anything had happened to any of them. I say this, because I'm about to rag on one of them a bit. I will likely use words that, in our time period, are considered near-obscenities. This is not from dislike, but rather an academic examination of their faults, using proper language.

Secondly, I will undoubtedly refer to the shooting scripts with commentary by Julian Fellows. I bought the one for first season as reference for my fan fiction and bought seasons two and three because I loved the commentary so much! I am seriously beyond annoyed that the later seasons aren't available, in no small part because I suspect it would shed light on the problem of Henry's personality. Anyway, they're great and I highly recommend them.

Next, I apologize for any massive grammatical errors, logic jumps, and other such communication glitches. I don't really intend to spend hours revising this, and I suspect my eyes will be crossing by the end.

And lastly, get comfortable. Get some tea, maybe a snack. Use the loo. Make sure you have no urgent appointments.

You will be here awhile.

In fact, in the interest of not taking up your entire dashboard, here. Have a 'keep reading' cut.

Mrs. Hughes vs. Lady Grantham is a difficult call because they're ultimately such similar and yet different characters. They're both involved in running the estate, but Mrs. Hughes is more involved with the back end schematics and Lady Grantham is more involved in presentation to society as a whole. Some would consider Mrs. Hughes's job more important, and ultimately it might be, but at the turn of the century Lady Grantham's job was not to be underestimated, by any means. She was essentially the sales, marketing, and public representation departments all wrapped into one person. Mrs. Hughes was production.

They are also bother nurturing to their 'families': Cora to her daughters and husband and Mrs. Hughes to her staff. They both do this well.

At the end of the day, having to choose, it becomes a call between Cora's growth as a character, which is interesting, and Mrs. Hughes's stability as a character, which is necessary to allow the movement of everyone else. Steady anchor points are often overlooked in stories, but they are terribly important to keep things moving along and stop them from devolving into a three ring circus. While I enjoy Cora's growth immensely, I think I'm going to have to choose Mrs. Hughes for this one. Downton really would fall apart without her, even if her husband doesn't want to admit it.

Which brings us to the easy choice: Robert.

Hands down Robert.

Charles Carson is an entertaining and enjoyable character. As a human being, he is a basically good man, but is an unfortunate product of his society. Very unfortunate. He is, by dictionary definition (see here) a bigot. He's rarely willing to change his opinion on things, sometimes flat out refusing. Despite his protests to the contrary, he's rarely sympathetic with anyone. He doesn't realize how much the firm structure he requires for comfort hurts others and will deny it when pointed out unless something really, astonishingly bad happens. You know, like one of his underlings trying to kill himself.

When not being asked to choose characters, I'm willing to overlook all of this to a certain degree, because he is human and he does try. The harm he causes is almost entirely unintentional, and when it is intentional, it's generally caused by the belief that he needs to be firm to be a good leader. Show them who's in charge, allow no shenanigans, etc. This is how he was trained. It also hurts him as much as it hurts everyone else. I mean, who else is actively leery of having fun?

No, generally Mr. Carson is a curmudgeon whose bark is worse than his bite and, along with his wife, I love him for his good points and despite his copious glaring faults.

Robert Crawley still easily wins.

People really like to go on about Robert's faults and his prejudice. After all, he is a "privileged white man" and our society hates those. We don't want to understand them. Papers can (and have) been written about how prejudiced Robert is.

The thing is, and what I find more important, is how prejudiced Robert isn't. Seriously, for a privileged white guy at the turn of the twentieth century, he could be far, far worse (see Larry Grey). Here, let's take a look at a few things, shall we?

We'll start with something very general. We'll start with his response to change. There sure is a lot of it in this show! And let's be honest, change is stressful. A lot of people don't handle it well. It's actually quite understanding that Robert's not fond of it. Up until that time period, things had moved around rather slowly. There would be the occasional war or medical discovery. There were always new fashions. That 'industrial revolution' thing had happened and things had started going faster, but compared to today's world when a phone you've had for a year is an old model, time might as well have stood still.

Robert still handles this change with relative grace for his age and station. Okay, Matthew and Tom, both being younger, from more hands-on view points, and more in touch with the world handle it better, but Carson and Lady Violet both handle it worse. Especially Carson. Robert handles it like a horse who has had something new suddenly introduced to the paddock: he shies, he bucks, he might run a bit or kick out a time or two, but if you slowly lead him back around to this strange thing enough times, he eventually figures out "Oh, hey. This thing isn't really a big deal after all, is it?" And he accepts it - embraces it even, in some cases - and moves on.

This brings us to the first point of actual prejudice and the one he is most undeniably guilty of, classism. First off, people ignore the fact that classism runs both ways. Miss Bunting was probably the single most classist bigot of the show, followed by the Sinderby's butler, then Lady Violet (who, according to every poll I've seen, is the most popular character in the show). Robert's classism (as with most of his prejudice, honestly) is institutionalized rather than personal which doesn't make it okay, but does make it easier to understand and fight once it's attacked in a rational manner. In other words, yes, he pitched an ever loving fit when Sybil married the chauffeur, but he got over it. He went from "you will have no money!" to "...okay, you haven't asked for it, but the money thing can happen" far faster than Carson went from "I will not dress the former chauffeur!" to accepting "Branson is part of the family now”. Carson also didn't have the excuse of feeling like his daughter was actively being taken away from him, off to a different country, a different life, and that he had somehow failed as a parent, which is undoubtedly how Robert felt.

Admittedly, once started, it wasn't all forward progress, but the hiccups there were tended to be fairly legitimate. Grief over Sybil's death combining with the last vestiges of feeling like Branson had taken his daughter away from him. Finding out his son-in-law had abandoned his pregnant daughter in hostile territory after helping to burn down someone's house. I mean I understand why Branson was doing what he was doing, but having an arsonist in the house is something to worry about!

The other thing to note about this is that while Robert definitely believes in the class structure and holds to it and sees himself at the top, he actually values the people below him. The reason Mrs. Patmore was so panicked about her failing vision in season one and so relieved when Robert sent her for surgery rather than turn her out with a meager pension is because so many people wouldn't have. It would have been "thank you for your services, good luck" and that would be that. He sees employing people and making it so they can have a wage his job and when he started not being able to pay a competitive wage or replace people when they quit, he saw it as a personal failure. His decision had created the underbutler position and I don't think he was really happy to have to do away with it (and, observant and in touch with things as he isn't, I am positive he didn't realize how pushy Carson was being about the whole thing. I doubt he would have liked it). He shows up at everyone's weddings. His perception is skewed, but his heart is in the right place.

And speaking of Miss Bunting, there is the point of his not being able to produce Daisy's name on demand. He doesn't deal with Daisy on a regular basis, so he would absolutely be less aware of her than he would be of, say, Carson or the personal staff. However, he did attend her wedding and she has been there for fifteen years. So what makes more sense - that he honestly doesn't know her name or that he straight up blanked on it? I think the second. After all, I once spent probably fifteen minutes all told unable to remember the name of my oldest cousin. He knew her at her wedding, he certainly knew her at the auction in season six and after!, I'm pretty sure when not being put on the spot by someone aggressively vilifying him to his face, he'd do a bit better.

The next big prejudice covered by the show is religion. This is one Robert has, but not in the way you would expect. In a society that could be very anti-Semitic, he doesn't give a flying fig if you're Jewish. His father-in-law was a Jew. Lady Rose married a Jewish boy and there's no indication of disapproval from Robert what so ever. He does have a problem with Catholics and that, Julian Fellows explains, was largely a point of national patriotism. England, as a whole, did not trust a religion that answered to an Italian instead of the Kng. It was seen as something of a conflict of interest. Again, this doesn't make it alright, but it makes it understandable within the context of the society (especially when your Catholic son-in-law burnt down someone's house) and was really more political than anything.

There were more issues at play with Sybbie's being Catholic, of course. There was that whole grieving thing, again the lingering feeling that Branson had taken Sybil away, etc. As usual, though, once it was clear he was outnumbered and the change was happening, Robert set aside fears that his granddaughter might go burning houses if that Italian guy thought it was a good idea and got on with life.

(Seriously, this really does seem to be comparable, at least in the mindset of the English, to a modern day Englishman following the president of a different country rather than the Queen. Not necessarily terrible, but potentially so, especially if war breaks out and the two countries are suddenly on opposing sides. Treason is a thing that can be kinda messy.)

Then there's sexism. I honestly think Robert gets way more flack for this than he truly deserves. It's not that he isn't sexist at all (again, institutionalized sexism), but that most of his worst offenses are actually a combination of his being legitimately not-super-observant and the aforementioned "horse in paddock" syndrome. He is used to his family behaving in a certain way. He is also, as with Cora, part of the sales/marketing/pr department. He is concerned about what the neighbors think because he is expected to and people in this day and age just don't get how important that was. The thought that his family would be seen poorly was not just a threat to him and his masculine pride, but to them and their opportunities in life. A lot of his keeping them at home was honestly trying to protect them, even if it was also underestimating their abilities, and really - they were just discovering their abilities! How was he supposed to know all about it?

Suddenly the war happened and his wife and daughters started behaving differently. He was legitimately confused, and no wonder! Can you see season one Mary slopping pigs? Can you see season one Edith running a magazine? People really did think that things would go 'back to normal' after the war, but they didn't. The women in his life started moving without warning and left him struggling to cope with the unexpected change.

Once he circled back around enough times to realize this big, scary change really wasn't big or scary, he was proud of them. He was proud of Mary for taking on the task of agent. Heck, he was practically proud of her for growing up enough to have an affair with Tony Gillingham! He accepted Marigold without batting an eyelash and got to the point where he was pleased to call Edith an "interesting woman". He was really, really proud of Cora after Rose lured him, carrot in hand, to the hospital!  He had never been more proud or the woman he loved.

And he loved her. She was the pillar holding him steady, and that is not just a pretty turn of phrase. One thing our society that has not changed one whit in the past hundred years is that men are supposed to be emotionally dependent on the women they are intimate with. There is huge pressure put on men to have a girlfriend or to be married, and it's not all machismo and Mummy dearest wanting grand kids, it's "this is the person you should talk to about your problems." This leads to emotional discussion being firmly linked, in the male view, with sex. Women, being encouraged to have friends to talk to, don't have that mental connection, and this causes a metric ton of relationship problems. So we come to his affair, if you want to call it that, with Jane (And honestly, while it nearly went beyond two kisses, I still think calling it an affair is giving it an awful lot of credit).

The war was over. Things were changing. While it might be socially permissible for him to discuss the politics of the changes with Bates or some other man, the resultant emotional turmoil was something Cora was, by societal standards, supposed to help him get through. For over half of his life, she had done just that. Now, he needed that emotional support and suddenly it wasn't there because his wife was off learning how to be useful and important. This was a great thing for her, and ultimately for them as a couple, but everything has consequences and the immediate consequence of this was that she didn't need to lean on anyone, he did, and he didn't have anyone. It is really rather unbecoming for a fifty year old man to go crying to his mother every time he needs bucking up.

Jane was young, pretty, was going through the rough transition of losing a spouse, was lonely as a result, and had a son, which appealed to Robert since he'd always wanted one. I seriously think he initially took an interest in her as much to take an interest in something as anything. Things got worse the longer he went without someone to talk to about his feelings, and she wasn't getting any less lonely or in need of someone to make her feel wanted.  Then, finally, Cora got the flu. While it seems outrageous that he would have an affair with a maid while his wife was maybe dying, his wife maybe dying was why he badly needed the emotional support of his wife, which he in turn couldn't have because his wife was maybe dying. Again, at fifty, running to Lady Violet at this juncture would have been viewed as A Bit Much by a lot of people. The fact that those people were absolute prats from a modern view point doesn't change this.

So, while both his society and ours agree that having an affair at the time was wrong, the real question here is what his society would have considered right. Please do ring me up when you've figured out the answer, because honestly? I've no clue.

Of course, once Cora didn't die, he looked back at things, got his head on straight, and ended things with Jane like a gentleman. He did the right thing, in the end. I consider this to be a far more material point than the fact he didn't intuitively pull a graceful way to maneuver a situation that he had no real coping mechanism for out of his ear.

There is one prejudice that I've seen him assigned in fan fiction, and it pisses me off every time: homophobia. This is one prejudice that Robert has barely any of. Yes, it's there in his little chuckles with Bates, but honestly? Compared to Carson? Compared to Jimmy and Alfred and the police and parliament? A little chuckle in private that is meant without malice is hardly a complaint. Thomas isn't happy at Downton most of the time, but he's there. Other employers would have sacked him the second they put two and two together. Heck, left to his own devices and reasonably assured there would be no scandal, Carson probably would have sacked him. I am quite certain that at some point there was a conversation in which Robert brushed that concern off as absolutely no reason to sack a perfectly good footman. This doesn't mean he didn't make a hash of things on a regular basis, but that was more from not understanding the problem than actual malicious intent. If, for example, someone actually pointed out that in hiring Bates he'd basically told Thomas "I would rather have a normal man who will never be able to do his job than a filthy degenerate like you" I would expect him to balk ("I never said that!"), bolt ("Pff, none of the staff would think that!"), and then, when finally reaching the point of accepting it, feel absolutely terrible. He flat out lied to the police to keep the man out of prison, for crying out loud!

While he is not an advocate for gay rights, by any means, it is something that he is absolutely not fussed about.

He has other legitimate flaws. His temper. His passiveness in many situations. But he is a genuinely good man. He cares about his people and wants them to do well. He wants to protect them and provide for them and make their lives comfortable. He is genuinely interested in improving the world as a whole.

There are so many people you can not say that about, and many of them get far more credit.

And on that note, I am going to bed.

[mcleanstanley1991]

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