#honestly their conversation on the beach at the end of fate made me cry

[fey-changeling]

Ship bingo rem/Isolde and also kara/gidget ?

We already know i'm Very Normal about Rem and Isolde

I could do with more Kara/Gidget in my life tbh

[captnjacksparrow]

SNS Dynamics - Sasuke's Perspective

Lengthy post ahead

On completing my rewatch of Naruto part I and part II, many things which never made sense started to make sense. One among them is the relationship between Naruto and Sasuke. I used to ask why Naruto is going so far for Sasuke. And why Sasuke is helping out Naruto even though he wants to kill him. And I used to think that Episode 478 was retconned to make the final battle ends in a draw and Sasuke somehow made to reconcile with the titular character. Yet, I instinctively felt, ‘Something is very different about them’. But on careful rewatch, all the clues which consolidate their relationship was there. The way they love each other is totally on a different level and the creator very carefully planned this from the beginning of the Manga.

Though I really don’t like the ending for making every characters into a child rearing machine at an age of 20 to make way for an abomination called ‘Boruto’, I still loved everything till Episode 479.

I wanted to discuss about both Naruto and Sasuke's perspective. But that cannot be accommodated in a single post. So, I decided to start with Sasuke. Since Naruto's side of SNS is very open and vocal, we clearly knew what is going on in his mind. But Sasuke's side is usually very subtle but much more intense than Naruto which makes it worth analyzing.

Before getting to that, for most of the characters in the Naruto universe (I mean 99%), Sasuke is a person who looks cool, aloof, rude, overbearing, blunt, genius and emotionless. And that’s the truth. Except for Itachi and Naruto. So when I say he is rude or arrogant, it is from the people’s POV.  And since I always see myself in Itachi, I see Sasuke as that adorable innocent child who is very honest but forgiving.

I strongly feel that Sasuke has some innocent enchantment towards Naruto ever since he lost his family which later transcended into a bond which cannot be put under Friendship or Bromance. Enchantment, here I meant by, is not in a sexual way but more like the unconscious need to be in the presence of other person. Like walking beside each other eternally. Or even warming up next to a campfire near a chilly beach. You don’t want to fall into the fire but just enjoy the warmth. It maybe totally a platonic love like many claims to be. But his absolute disinterest in any other characters (even just as a friend) and the following traits he shows only to Naruto are clearly not just distinctive of platonic love either. It’s completely beyond platonic.

The following are the traits which Sasuke shows only towards Naruto, could have been avoided or delegated to other characters if the creator really wanted to assert their relationship as just friendship. There are lot of subtexts and emotions which I cannot accept it under the guise of bromance or friendship. It’s just not possible. If someone you like shows all these traits to another person, you should stop thinking about that person and move on.

The traits are :

Preferential Treatment

Attentive

Protective

My body moved on its own

One and Only

Powerful Eyes

Unconscious Closeness

Preferential Treatment

This is the very basic and first thing you show to someone whom you love. Meaning, I will treat this person much different from everyone else. When I was exploring this trait, I couldn’t stop laughing in many places. Because Sasuke is such a trolling machine who mercilessly trolls people who are in his way. He also inspire certain amount of fear which makes him even more unapproachable.

He has this cold bearing where people find it extremely difficult to manage or approach him. It comes off as very rude most of the times. One such example is Sai told Sasuke that he will get along better with him than Naruto. Sasuke put a Genjutsu on him for comparing himself with Naruto. LOL.

What's more funny is most people (Sakura, Orochimaru, Kabuto, Sai, Hinata) usually talk to him politely with honorifics like 'Sasuke-kun'. But he didn't give two shits about them and shitted them all mercilessly.

Here is the infamous proposal from Sakura in part 1.

Well she deserved this one to be honest. Throughout the entire conversation Sasuke never saw her face and responded very bluntly even though she was pouring her heart out crying. There was no visible distress or sadness from Sasuke’s side.

Whereas with Naruto, in the final Valley of The End, we saw him turning towards Naruto and answer him properly when Naruto asked the same question of what Sakura asked. There were so many emotions throughout the battle and Sasuke’s pain of leaving Naruto was clearly shown. Which explains the difference of where Sasuke keeps Naruto in his heart.

The following is the one from Chunin Exams prelims where Sakura is begging for him to quit with tears. The response is an usual 'Stay out of my business'.

Me: Sasuke!!!! Even I don't know how to approach you!!!! I understand you don't like to talk unnecessarily so you just shitted on Sai. But Sakura is your teammate, isn't it?

And then there is this little orange blonde who literally trolls Sasuke.

I really thot Sasuke was going to trash Naruto too, like he could have easily said, 'Naruto, you should also stay out of my business'.

But then

These words are something precious for Naruto. He wished for these words to come from Sasuke someday in his lifetime. But not at that time. And he was truly shocked and very excited. Believe me, when watching that scene, it was really great. But while making analysis like this, it’s absolutely hilarious.

This dynamics is similar to

Sakura: *cries unbearably* Sasuke-kun, I am worried about you. Don’t act so strong.

Sasuke: Shut up. Mind your own business.

Naruto: Bastard! She is worried about you.

Sasuke: Alright, I love you. Now shut up.

ROOOFFFFL :-D

I thought all these childhood bickers were over by part 1 and we will never see it in part 2.

Nope. I was wrong. Kakashi and Sakura were the scapegoats here.

Here's another round of applause from Naruto.

And I honestly cannot comprehend what was going on in Sasuke's mind and why he is really rude to Sakura and Kakashi. It seems he was really irritated by their presence or he maybe thinking they were useless or both.

When Naruto asks him something, he responds without any insults. What baffles me most is that during Infinite Tsukuyomi, Sasuke wanted to kill Naruto for his Revolution and awaiting his fated battle. And yet he answers him properly.

Can you see the pattern here?

He shits on people asking some question even with an utmost polite attitude but when Naruto asks the same question he was like "Alright Sweetie, Am gonna answer anything you want and say anything you like".

The following is the beginning of everything where Naruto can't even swear properly but still Sasuke couldn't even bother.

In short, the way he treats Naruto is quite different and hilarious when compared to the others. With his cold bearing, he absolutely has no need to put up with Naruto's outburst but he still accepts without a care every time. RIP to those souls who got the short end of the stick.

He must have an extreme tolerance towards Naruto's tirades to the point where he can never insult him back. And I also believe 100% that, nobody dares to make such frequent insults on Sasuke to his face except Naruto.

I know SK shippers jump in here to say Naruto is not the only one. But still the dynamics between Karin and Sasuke is simply a mirror image of Naruto and Sasuke, probably she reminded him of Naruto and hence made some exceptions for her because Sasuke never gives a damn about any other clan other than his own, but when Kabuto tells him Karin belongs to Uzumaki clan, he was shocked. I am pretty sure the only other Uzumaki member he knew is none other than Naruto.

Now, does this means he is in super love with Naruto? No.

But the way he treats every other characters and how he treats Naruto exclusively speaks volumes and this trope shouldn’t have existed in the first place. The creator should have made Sasuke treat both of his teammates equally which could’ve deflected the shipping angle. 

Attentive

Am not talking about how attentively he analyzes his enemies in the battles. Of course, in that department, Sasuke flies high. This is about how attentive he is to Naruto to the point where he can deduce what Naruto thinks and how Naruto looks without the need to communicate with him.

I know Sasuke suspected Sakura was acting strange before Chunin Exams when she said 'Good Morning' with some hesitation. But the difference here is that Sasuke can identify Naruto without even talking to him.

Funny thing here is that Sasuke was sitting somewhere far behind from Naruto and yet he could pick up Naruto getting freaked out without seeing his face.

Who could forget about the famous ‘Where’s real Naruto?’ episode during Chunin Exams?. It would’ve been fine if this happened once. But the creator went ahead and made this thing happen twice under entirely different situations. And everytime Sasuke can find fake Naruto without fail. This scene conveys Sasuke is very observant towards Naruto’s appearance & fighting skills (the way he evades an attack).

Now, being attentive to someone is not a special thing which attributes to love. But considering Sasuke’s personality who is aloof and focused on his own world, knowing Naruto like the back of his hand  is way too descriptive. Only someone who really understands the other person or constantly paying attention can find out such subtle changes. It doesn’t end here.

This is the battle between Gaara and Naruto. Where Naruto was literally confused about how to save his friends from Gaara who is much more powerful. And yet Sasuke can find Naruto’s mood just by seeing him.

Me: Yes, Sasuke!!! Gaara happened to pass by Naruto and forgot to kill him on a whim!!! So, Naruto is scared to the shit!!

Also Me: You guys always bicker with each other and are not best of friends. Sasuke!!! How could you analyze his mood just by looking at Naruto????

In Shippuden, There’s no inner monologue like the above, but whenever Naruto appears before him (Orochimaru’s hideout, Bridge, War arc), Sasuke gives his undivided attention to him. He even went so far as to advice him to pay attention to the battle. And I was like “Wait!!! you wanted to kill him... why pay attention to him at all? Geez”.

As much as you want to think that Sasuke doesn’t care about anyone, he does care about Naruto to the point where he doesn’t want him to be worried. How thoughtful just for a ‘teammate’.

How did Sasuke knew that Naruto would worry about him?, I wonder.

But all these things started from this

This boy has been noticing Naruto from way back when he was around 7 when he lost his family. Of course he would know every little things about Naruto because for some undefinable reason he couldn’t stop paying his attention to Naruto. A lineup of girls vying for his attention because of his cool appearance, whereas Sasuke simply loved Naruto without any reservations but because of his childish and warm personality which reminded him of his family.

‘I couldn’t stop paying attention to you’  and in some translations the words were ‘I couldn’t take my eyes off you’. Either way, these words are not for someone you see just as a friend let alone a brother.

Protectiveness

I can go on and on about how protective Sasuke is towards Naruto. I can write a separate post about it. This is the most important aspects of this ship which makes it sail higher than any other ships.

Of course, this is the Ninja world where people wants to protect each other and at the same time kill each other too. Sasuke protecting Naruto and Naruto protecting Sasuke is not too special. In fact, one of the weak and pathetic character like Sakura was saved once in every three episodes by Naruto or Kakashi or even by Sasuke sometimes.

And yet here I am mentioning protectiveness as the most important aspect of this ship. So what differentiates?

The way Sasuke protects Naruto is one of the intense thing I’ve ever seen. When I watch this series, I gained this immense ability to put myself in other characters mind just like Naruto. When I put myself in Sasuke’s mind whenever he tried to protect Naruto under different conditions, I simply cannot put their relationship under Friendship.

Here, Naruto is fighting Gaara in part 1 and Naruto was repelled by his own attack from the paper bomb. Sasuke being already battered by his curse mark bruise and he couldn’t move an inch. And yet he is shielding Naruto even though it is completely unnecessary because Naruto bumping into a tree log is completely normal. The creator even went under a lot of pain to draw that panel which took 40% of the page.

Now you may question, many characters even died protecting someone. What’s so special with just shielding?

Like Hinata jumping in for suicide before Pain, Iruka blocking Mizuki’s attack, Tsunade blocking Orochimaru, Neji dying as a ‘Love Cupid’ for hinata and Naruto.... I can cite many things here. What’s common among them all is that they were all perfectly capable of moving around and yet decided to save Naruto.

But that’s not the only point. 

Is there any need for him to save Naruto? No.

Will Naruto die if he didn’t shield him? No.

Then why? He could have spent that energy trying to do something for Sakura rather than do a pointless shielding. 

And then there is Kushina.

Naruto’s mom was already on the verge of dying as she had Kurama extracted from her body and Jinchuriki without a Tailed Beast will die. Because of Uzumaki clan’s strong life force, she could hold off for a bit longer. When kurama attacked Naruto, she shielded him with her body and saved her son from an imminent death.

Even though Sasuke didn’t die shielding him, but there is a semblance.

Both protected Naruto even when their body condition is worse. That is, Protect at all cost attitude.

I intended to put Land of the Waves arc here as it is very similar to what happens with Kushina. But that’s for an upcoming section.

Now, as a Mother her instinct to protect Naruto is very strong.

But who is Naruto for Sasuke? What makes his instinct so strong to protect someone who is not even related by his blood? Until and unless you love that person dearly you won’t do it.

That brings me to the next thing.

Yeah, it kind of looks ‘very friendly’ to give a 3 layered protection to someone who is already powered up like you and most importantly you want to kill him.(Can I say that looks really romantic?). Anyways my point is different.

What really happens here is this

It is a well established fact that Minato, the Yellow Flash is the fastest shinobi in Narutoverse. It wasn’t surpassed yet. He uses the Hiraishin No Jutsu to teleport at the speed of light. It was invented by none other than Tobirama Senju who is the fastest shinobi of his time.

We basically have two fastest shinobi in the battlefield here. And Minato being the fastest among them, definitely don’t want to blow up near his son for whom he died protecting him once. He wanted to teleport somewhere away and before he could do it, Tobirama teleported the bomb back to Obito.

What many fails to notice here is that all these things are happening in mere seconds. But Sasuke realized it real quick as usual and protects Naruto in an instant. How fast his instinct you may ask? Quicker than the two fastest shinobi on the battlefield and one among them is Naruto’s dad.

What I want to say is Sasuke’s protective instinct is quicker than Naruto’s father and similar to Naruto’s mother.

And you know, I questioned myself during the Chunin Exams arc “I think in the Zabuza arc, Naruto conveniently happened to be near Sasuke, So he protected him at the cost of his life. What if Sakura happens to be there? Would he have done the same? Maybe he would’ve died protecting her too.”

But all of my questions were thrown into drain by Sasuke as if he was able to read my mind. The answer is “Hell! I don’t care if she died. That’s her loss. I will not die for her sake.”

This is really confusing, hilarious and romantic at the same time.

Me: Sasuke!!! I understand why you want to save Jugo... Even though you abandoned him in the Land of Iron. LOL. What are you going to do with Naruto anyway when the whole world is blasted off?

He proved this again in the Kaguya’s Lava dimension too. Before you tell me that he saved Naruto because he needs him to seal off Kaguya, the previous scenario nullifies your argument.

And SS wankers shamelessly defending that Sasuke don’t want Sakura to die by Kaguya’s hands, that’s why he left her to die. Geez!!! Who the hell is Sakura to Kaguya anyway? Even if she were to die by Kaguya’s hands, it would almost look like how Obito died. It’s not bad at all. But falling into the lava pit, burning, screaming.... sssshhhh. Wake the f**k up!!!

Now how can you convince me that this is just Friendship? What’s more funny is Sasuke wanted to kill Naruto later at some point. Throughout the War Arc I was always confused as to why Sasuke even care about Naruto at all? He didn’t care about him ever since he left him 3 or 4 years ago and he doesn’t have to. After all everyone have their own paths to walk on.

Even if I put myself in Sasuke’s mind and see Naruto just as a friend whom I want to kill, I wouldn’t go under so much pain to save him. I would feel like it’s better for him to die by something else rather than me. Because I can’t bring myself to kill someone I know well.

These scenes are not just put there by chance.

Such a strong reflex to protect someone is only possible when you consider that person’s life more than yours.

Does any other ship has such things to show? I’ll wait.

Yeah Sasuke protected Sakura from Orochimaru and Gaara. But he also went so far to wait for Karin and awakened a new power to protect her. So does this means he love those girls?? No. He was just showing a team camaraderie. But it’s funny that later, he tried to kill those girls knowing full well they are unprepared to fight him. While with Naruto, it always comes with a warning. Try to understand this difference. Which is exactly why I didn’t put Sasuke saving Naruto during his Chakra training, or falling from the waterfall and many more. Because they are just a team camaraderie.

I don’t even have to compare with other ships, did Sasuke ever protected anyone like this in the whole series?. These are the things which could’ve been avoided or handled in a different way, like there was no need to emphasize on saving Naruto alone while ignoring others.

My body moved on its own

I don’t need to explain this any deeper. There are many people who says Sasuke is incapable of showing his true feelings. He is cold, rude, aloof and stoic so he always hides his feelings for everyone (mostly this line was used by Sakura wankers who wanted to portray that Sasuke always loved Sakura deeply but never shows). But they fail to understand the irony that one of the most beautiful line in this entire series was told by none other than ‘Sasuke Uchiha’, “My body moved on its own”.

Yet I find Sasuke shows his honest and heartful emotions before the people he loves. If he can show that to Itachi and Naruto, why not with Sakura?

I know those wankers try to say Sasuke repressed all his feelings until Chapter 698, so he has some romantic feelings for Sakura too. Bullshit!!!

Even though he repressed those feelings in his mind, his body always betrays him in the end and his feelings pours out from time to time. That is what this section explores about.

Man, this is the most painful GIF I have ever made.

In his battle with Itachi, he was completely consumed by the feeling of revenge and hatred for his brother. But when Itachi approached him in his final moments with an intention (seemingly) to snatch his eyes, he still couldn't push Itachi away though he could have. Sasuke just looked into his eyes and let him do whatever he was about to do.

Why?, Because he loved his brother so much once that he don't know what to do but simply embrace that moment. These are the moments your mind says to close your eyes or even run away (he totally could have) but his body will not allow him to.

This is what I meant by your body betrays yourself. Even in your darkest moments, you cannot fake. You always show your true emotions towards the person you love. The more you suppress, the more it will burst out.

Here Sasuke’s hatred is glaring through his eyes because Sakura is persuading him to not do something he wants to (as always). His only motivation is to kill that man. His resolve is a real deal.

But in a matter of minutes after giving that long hateful speech with some heavy determination, when he saw that hungry blonde boy who was tied up for trying to steal food, Sasuke just acted on his own and served him food even though he was told not to which could jeopardize his career.

This bipolar dance is something to notice throughout the series and is always interesting to explore. When Sakura tries to dissuade Sasuke from something, he always retorts to insults or an angry stare. But when Naruto accidentally stands in Sasuke’s way, he always involuntarily helps him out.

In short, towards Sakura he was like “Even you cannot take that path away from me” but when turning towards Naruto, he was like “Well, I can risk everything for you at the cost of my path”.

This seals the real deal for SNS ship.

At this point, for us viewers, Naruto is just an orphan who has no friends but always carries his life with a positive spirit hoping that someday he will be accepted by everyone.

Unbeknownst the fact that he already has one person who was willing to die for him and putting all his dreams into fire.

Important thing to notice, It’s entirely at Naruto’s fault for them being in this situation. If Naruto had used a bit of brain to attack from outside the mirror, they wouldn’t have been in this situation. But still Sasuke plunged into the trap without any regrets. That’s the beauty of this scene.

What’s more thrilling is that the creator told us Sasuke loved Naruto in the very next chapter itself. 

How?

By making Haku jump before Zabuza knowing full well that he is going to die which is not very different from how Sasuke shielded Naruto.

And not only that, but by making Naruto say “He really loved you”. I got to say the creator may sucks at writing Sakura and Hinata for God only knows for whatever twisted reasons. But when it comes to male characters like Naruto, Sasuke, Itachi, Obito... he was just amazing and on another level.

How?

By indirectly drawing parallels between Sasuke and Haku in a matter of successive chapters.

By dropping indirect hints and crumbs like these to tell us, the audience, the motivations of the characters.

I always had the thought why did he risked his life for a boy who always fights with him? This became more emotional when we get to know the real reason for why Sasuke risked his life much later in chapter 698.

Having faced all the turbulent things in his life, somehow seeing Naruto doing all those childish stuffs made him feel relieved. That warmth was what he needed at that time. He wanted to escape from it but couldn’t. That’s why he embraced his warmth unknowingly in his Team 7 days by constantly reaching out to him starting from asking tips, concerned about having breakfast and training with him to climb the tree.

Sasuke even come to like Naruto more than himself and that’s why he was willing to die for him.

This feeling is definitely not a bromance or friendship. It’s an innocent enchantment you hope to last forever. Which again explains why he tolerated Naruto’s insults and hostility all those times. Because Sasuke knew those childish things were the ones he got attracted to him ever since his childhood. Rather than saying tolerated, I should use the term enjoyed. He really enjoyed those moments being bugged by Naruto for no reason.

Because just like Itachi said to Sasuke once, ‘If you are excellent you become alienated and arrogant even though you were sought after at the beginning’ . But Naruto pestering him means he is very curious about Sasuke which no one else tried. He was adored by those girls for his coolness and revered by those boys for his excellence but nobody really tried to befriend him. But Naruto tried to befriend him through Rivalry. That’s why Sasuke unconsciously started to like him. This also explains why he roasted Sakura for badmouthing him even though Naruto attacked him and tied him up earlier.

If Sasuke can show all these feelings even though he was trying to suppress it towards Naruto and Itachi, Why can’t he show a single normal feeling towards Sakura??? Because there isn’t one. Except for an old Team 7 camaraderie where he saw her as an acquaintance and nothing more.

Many NH shippers claims, but Hinata loved her ‘Naruto-Kun’. She jumped in front of Naruto to save him from Pain, when in reality she just acted selfishly and couldn’t pull out the Chakra rods. Meaning she failed whatever she was about to do.

Another interesting thing to cite for NH shippers, they claim for Naruto, Hinata is the most important person his life. Since when? With that shitty movie called ‘The Last’ with shitty retconned stuff? In all the 699 chapters he always claimed Iruka Sensei and Sasuke were the important people in his life. And you know what? For Hinata to like Naruto, he has to jump in to save her from the bullies. But for Sasuke he just saved Naruto without any validation. He saw Naruto and liked his presence and just did it. 

When you could accept that failed attempt as a love, why not accept Sasuke loves Naruto when in fact he succeeded in saving him and that too unconditionally?

This is one of the tropes which should have been avoided if the creator wanted Sasuke and Naruto to be just friends.

One and Only

This is something very special that is offered to that one person in his life. That is Naruto. Even Itachi knew it. That is the Power to influence Sasuke’s heart. This is the fact even Sasuke himself knew it and that’s why he wanted to kill him.

Now don’t compare this with the manipulation shit which Orochimaru and Obito were doing. It’s not that. Many Sasuke fanatics always blame Naruto that he is also manipulating Sasuke just like everyone. That’s totally wrong.

Manipulation is something you do by talking about some twisted facts and make the other person to do what you want to.

Naruto never did that. Ever. Whenever Naruto and Sasuke meet, they always talk about themselves and how they feel. Not the world, not Team 7 or anything. Which is exactly why Sasuke himself willingly left that space in his heart for Naruto when he left him in the Valley of the End which he badly wanted to destroy. Sasuke, of all people, know Naruto is also very honest.

Sasuke lost all his rationality when he went into darkness by stabbing Karin who was helping him in his battle with Danzo. She even replenished his chakra many times. He not only just stabbed her, after when he found her still alive, he decided to finish her off with his Chidori.

And then the pink haired bitch appears before him and started to concoct lies with malicious intent to kill him. This provoked Sasuke more and more to reach this point.

Believe me, when you are lost in darkness, all you need is a small light which can show you a path. Someone who can extend helping hands to lift you up with honesty.

Sakura, being a crass woman, riled up Sasuke further with full of nonsense.

If you want to picture the darkness,

This is exactly how Sasuke feels. He is in so much pain and don’t know how to face it or deal with it. So he started to destroy everything he sees. For him Karin, Sakura, Kakashi are all just some pebbles in his way and want to trample them as he goes. His entire life has become farce after knowing his beloved brother’s real pain and miseries. Now he has no one left from his family.

Until Naruto appears.

He may not be his family, but he is the only person left for him in this world. Which is established in many Naruto endings and even Sasuke himself accepts this with Sage of Six Paths. 

But my Cherry Blossom queen really loved Sasuke, she only wanted the good of him. My question is ‘Then why the fuck she tried to kill him? She looked at Sasuke and find that he changed. She didn’t even bothered to find out what’s going on from his side.’ Then how is this considered as wanting only good for him? 

Surprisingly Sasuke calmed down a bit, the moment Naruto appears and even started to respond to him which he didn’t before with Kakashi and Sakura. Deep down Sasuke himself knew in his heart that the path he is going through is Self-destructive. Just like Kurama tells Naruto ‘Destroy everything you see’ in the Pain arc when he sprouted upto Eighth Tail, Sasuke’s traumatic mind tells him to ‘Destroy Konoha’.

All he needed was someone to extend an helping hand to tell him what to do without any malice. Naruto did that. Just like what Minato did for Naruto in Pain arc.

After clashing Rasengan with Chidori ,they meet inside the White bubble space and Naruto talks to Sasuke which evoked all his past memories which he never wanted to awaken.

That’s why Sasuke was visibly shaken with Naruto’s words. Because those were the words which mirrors exactly how Sasuke feels too. He was surprised and shocked that Naruto also felt the same way without him ever openly confessing those feelings.

When everyone tried to kill him for his monstrosity, Naruto is the only person standing there seeing him as his friend. Just like how Iruka saw Naruto way back in 1st chapter.

Believe me, even at the depth of darkness, when you see the person you love so much, you will stop and rationalize.

That is exactly why Itachi left Sasuke in Naruto’s hands. He even admitted to Sasuke that his words will not reach him no matter what.

Sasuke may not have abandoned his ambitions at that point. But Naruto gave him a clear path. That is ‘Show all your hatred on me’ and then do whatever you want.

I know SS shippers will claim that back hug from Sakura changed his murderous behaviour during the Chunin Exams. Yes. That’s true. But right after that, when Sasuke was fighting Yoroi in a one-on-one combat, his Cursed Seal flares up again. He retracted that seal out of his sheer will and thought about both Sakura and Naruto who was freaking out without even knowing about the seal. So, it’s not only a Sakura exclusive moment. The creator even went ahead and drawn a panel asking Sakura to not say anything about the Curse Mark to Naruto. Why do that?

As far as I understand, Sasuke saw Naruto and felt the warmth of his family. He singled that out in chapter 698. When Naruto was placed in the same team as him, he started to extend his good side to his other team members as well. But the moment he decided to leave the village, he severed the ties with Sakura (was there ever one apart from considering her as a teammate?) by saying Thank You. Meaning, you helped me many times so thanks for all of that. What’s more pitiful is, he didn’t even look at her face for the entire conversation except for saying ‘You are really annoying’. There is nowhere in the manga where Sasuke singled out Sakura for making him feel anything and did something for her exclusively. It’s all in the context of Team 7.

If Sakura is the most important person in Sasuke’s life, he should have stopped the rampage the moment he saw her but instead he got riled up more and more. Which explains where Sasuke kept her in his heart. Literally nowhere. He threw her into the trash. LOL.

If Hulk can calm down after seeing Betty Ross and you call that love, why not accept Sasuke loves Naruto??

Powerful Eyes

You know, Even in real life, Our eyes always reflects our true feelings, just like how your body betrays your mind , your eyes even betray your body.

Just like how Itachi could never fake his evil brother act in his final moments.

Just like how Sasuke couldn’t turn away from Itachi when he was approaching him to seemingly snatch his eyes.

Uchiha boys being a romantic bunch, always expose their awakening/ reawakening/ evolving their Sharingan in a most distressed situation. Just like Madara and Sasuke exposed their brimming eyes for Hashirama and Naruto. But in this department, Madara is wildly romantic as always. LOL. Despite losing 3 brothers, he awakened his Sharingan only when he was breaking up with his ‘friend’. And Sasuke, he reawakened / evolved Sharingan when trying to save / breaking up with his ‘friend’. Such a Biological defect!!!!

Poor Sakura pathetically fails in this department.

Anyways this part is not about Sharingan anyway. It’s about how such a powerful eyes becomes powerless before those Blue Eyes.

Eye Symbolism is something I really enjoy exploring in this ship.

Like I mentioned earlier, Sasuke has never shown his emotions atleast starting from Part II. He usually never shows any positive emotions like happiness, laughing, pouting, love, excitement (although he has shown all these towards Itachi and Naruto) and is known for negative emotions like anger, annoyance, hatred.

Look at how Sasuke is glaring with hatred for her insensitive words. She deserved this to be honest.

Now, is there any need to show your fury towards Kabuto?

Since the beginning of the Shippuden, some facts have been established strongly:

1. Sasuke has changed by leaps and bounds in terms of his attitude and hatred.

2. Sharingan is pretty dangerous. Many characters including kurama acknowledges it. Sasuke is very adept at using his Sharingan.

Orochimaru maybe right. But he doesn’t know the weakness. LOL

His hatred has reached to a point where he couldn’t think anything rationally and started to kill everyone, just like how Naruto kicked Sakura in his 4 Tailed Kyuubi Mode engulfed with the hatred of Kurama. Meaning, to reach his goal, Sasuke will kill anyone in his path without any hesitation. This shot is the representation of this.

And yet when he saw those particular Blue eyes, he stops his rampage immediately and visibly shocked even.  That’s the look of ‘why is that blue eyes here?’

You have every right to accuse me that I am over exaggerating this scene. I am not. Even I wanted to think that way too that I am deluding myself. The creator has only consolidated my view pretty strongly.

There’s no need to emphasize on eyes at all. The anime team has went under so much pain to animate this scene in a satisfying and compelling way.

What’s more? The creator even went under further extent to draw a whole page in the manga focusing on their eye contact after the Rasengan vs Chidori clash. Meaning, Sasuke has calmed down visibly and became very easy to reason with.

Trust me, even in your darker / vulnerable moments, your eyes will reflect your true feelings to the person you love. You cannot be stubborn. 

Now did it stop here?? Nope, it happened again in the Final Valley of the End battle too.

Sasuke is usually confident of his Sharingan (rightfully so) and likes to flaunt his eyes just like Madara. He was very sure that he was going to win.

While Sasuke had a clear resolve to kill Naruto when he was showing his back, but the moment he comes close with those Blue Eyes, his heart even pounded strongly (in the anime), and lost the resolve completely which made his Sharingan retract itself unconsciously. Meaning, his eyes betrayed him.

It’s funny that not even a minute ago he was very proud of his Visual Prowess as an Uchiha and his victory is inevitable but the moment he saw those Blue eyes, he just lost. You think I am again exaggerating?. Nope!!!

Oh Dear!!! This doesn’t get more romantic than this. An inescapable gaze from those blue eyes he loved all along.

Sasuke!! What happened to your proud Uchiha eyes?. You just stole Chakra from Naruto, isn’t it? Hints like these are really heartwarming, to be honest.

My entire point is, every character from every arc hypes up Sharingan starting from Zabuza, Haku, Rock Lee, Orochimaru, Kabuto, Kurama and many more, but why put a weakness for Naruto’s eyes? 

What I really loved exploring is the way Sasuke totally expressed everything through his eyes in Episode 478.

Sasuke shows his vulnerability towards Naruto with just his eyes. These are not something you show to everyone. Even when Itachi departed finally after releasing Edo Tensei, Sasuke looked sad, shocked and pained but didn’t cry. He accepted the reality of it. The last time when we saw him crying, it was after knowing the truth of Itachi, facing towards the beach and was weeping unbearably because there was no one else for him in this world. But this time, he is next to the person whom he feels truly loved and he doesn’t mind showing it with his eyes.

Well, on multiple rewatches, the clues for their love was already dropped in the 1st Valley of the End fight itself. Sasuke already lost his resolve to kill by balling his chidori fist rather than ramming through his chest. So the feelings inside the bubble are their honest emotions like always.

The pain on the verge of their separation inside the white bubble is clearly evident from their eyes even in their monstrous form. Even in the manga it was mentioned that ‘I can’t turn my back  Vs  I am not letting you go’

But what they really wanted to be from their childhood was this.

Look at Sasuke, how entranced he was on looking at that innocent boy. Now put yourself at Sasuke’s mind. Will you ever look at your friend like that??? Now, they are probably just 7 here, am not romanticizing. But Sasuke looks enthralled innocently.

But somehow, their paths separated them for who knows how long. But the pain in both their eyes is unbearable. Even the databook, mentioned that separating from Naruto is like ripping half of his body. Well, this proves it.

Now, if they really wanted to portray this as friendship, they never should have given Eye symbolism at all. They should have gone with ‘I was always jealous of you’ thing, like they portrayed in that filler episode 450.I would’ve gladly accepted it as friendship. Because that’s how friends behave when they are jealous and I wasn’t feeling any romance at all. There’s no need of that lengthy monologue on how he was always looking at Naruto and felt pain.

I am telling you, I won’t be looking at my friend like this. 

Unconscious closeness

Remember, I’ve written in the beginning of the post that Sasuke enjoys the warmth from Naruto. Meaning, he likes that person’s presence unconsciously and want to be near him. Sasuke proved this many times.

This is the most intense and confusing section I have to dissect for this post. But it’s the most entertaining nonetheless, atleast for me.

Starting from the Land of the Waves arc, here Sasuke is speed walking to match up with Naruto.

Initially I thought, he is trying to be competitive. But instead of walking ahead of Naruto to show who is faster, he just walks beside him. I find this really hilarious and adorable. This just shows Sasuke likes Naruto’s presence so much so that he wants to walk beside him.

Now many SS shippers tries to make this scene for themselves, when it is clearly not.

If you notice Sasuke in the Bell Training, he compares his strength difference with Kakashi and determines to get stronger. Same with Might Guy, he compares Might Guy’s speed with his own Sensei. Meaning, he respects people with strength. Naturally, he should’ve asked her and Sakura would have given him tips wholeheartedly. Because she really succeeded in that training.

Why bother to ask a deadlast?

The only reason I could find is that he wants to befriend him in his own stubborn way. But Poor Soul!!! He didn’t get the tips anyway. LOL. But despite getting the short end of the stick, he never hold it against him. Just like he never held anything against Naruto when he tied him up in Episode 3. All he did was just flaunt how he escaped.

Pretty cool for a 12 year old kid. Because If I were Sasuke, I would hold it for sure.

Once again Sasuke proves how he can care Naruto in his own adorable way.

He could’ve said ‘I am going to train too” if he really intended to train. There is no need to say ‘Going for a Walk’ and ask Naruto about breakfast. This explains that Sasuke simply missed the boy’s prolonged absence and reached out to him in his own cute way.

Now all these doesn’t mean he was in love with him. It’s just a childish attraction which makes him act like that involuntarily.

I just added this GIF to compare with the next scene.

Now Shikamaru falling on Naruto in an unconventional way doesn’t look anywhere romantic. Instead it’s the opposite. They are pretty friendly here.

But Sasuke’s approach to Naruto does looks undeniably sensual and I couldn’t deny the sexual tension that brings with it. (Even when I watched it for the first time having no idea of shipping anyone, I lowkey got creeped and thought, ‘Sasuke!! What have you become? ’)

This scene is something even I can’t dissect. Because honestly I don’t know. Sasuke is a person who never appreciates physical touches nor does he initiates either.

I get this crazy femme fatale vibe when seeing Sasuke with his sexy costume landing at a speed of lightning with his hands wrapped around Naruto and taunting near his ear about what was he doing there? The only reason I could think of is that maybe he missed him for 3 years which made him go unconsciously so close near Naruto. It’s also funny that he could’ve shoved his sword into Naruto’s heart before landing and no one could’ve batted an eyelid.

Damn you, Kishimoto!!! Is this scene absolutely necessary??? What are you trying to convey? Why do you give Sasuke, a sexualized aura?? I understand you love this character so much and you want this character to be desirable among women. Yeah, you succeeded by making Karin behave like a woman in heat, the moment they met. But instead of letting her get close to him, you made Sasuke to say ‘You... Don’t get so close’ whereas with Naruto, you made Sasuke to go willingly touch him in a half hugging stance. Geez!!!

Here comes the most interesting part in this section.

It may seem irrelevant at the beginning but trust me, it will make sense later.

Before that, I would like to appreciate the creator and especially the anime team to bring the battle sequence so lively and different in its own way. If you notice the purpose of every battle that happened in Naruto series, each carries it own meaning and deliberately distinguished. How you ask?

The fight between Deidara vs Sasuke.

Logically Deidara should be dead in the Gaara retrieval arc itself. There is no point for him to chase Sasuke who killed Orochimaru to whom Deidara had nothing to do with. It didn’t impact the story in any way. But the purpose of that battle is to show how far Sasuke has grown up in those 3 years. The way he can use his Sharingan to analyze his enemies abilities and weakness so quickly and take multiple steps ahead, the way he can use Genjutsu and other incredible jutsus in his arsenal were a visual treat.

Now, let’s analyze Sasuke’s arsenal of Jutsus. He can do Teleportation Jutsu, a decent Genjutsu, Chidori Senbon (needles), Raikiri (Chidori sword which ranges to 5 metres), Chidori Nagash (Chidori from his whole body), Transformation Jutsu, Substitution Jutsu Shuriken Jutsu with wire works, Kirin, Gokakyu No jutsu, Sword fighting, basic Hand-to-Hand fighting (I’ve never seen him do it ever since the Chunin Exams with Orochimaru), Archery fighting, Susanoo, Amaterasu and all the Rinnegan abilities.

Based on the jutsus he learned so far and how he applies in every battle, it all confirms two things:

Sasuke is a Medium-Long Range Shinobi

Sasuke’s battles are usually based on his Cleverness

Let’s go for Naruto. He can do Teleportation Jutsu, Sexy Jutsu, Harem no jutsu, Rasengan, Rasen Shuriken, Oodama Rasengan, Biju Dama, Tailed Beast Mode, Kage Bunshin No jutsu, Sage mode jutsu, Frog Kumite, Better Hand-to-Hand combat skills (better than Sasuke), Transformation Jutsu, Substitution Jutsu and all his Six path abilities.

Compared to Sasuke, Naruto’s jutsu variety is very less. But for every 4 punches from Sasuke equals 1 powerful punch from Naruto. Analyzing all of them,

Naruto is a Close-Range Shinobi except for his Rasen Shuriken

Naruto’s battles are usually based on his Jutsu Timing and Unpredictability

Now, Let’s rewind back to 3 years and look at the 1st Valley of the End battle. That battle was cleverly choreographed which carried very intense emotional baggage. Things we never knew about those boys until then were openly admitted and acknowledged. That is, for Sasuke, Naruto became his closest friend. For Naruto, he always wanted to be Sasuke’s friend way back when he was 6 or 7. For both, they already have some unexplainable bond by just looking at each other and smiling secretly.

The theme of that battle started as Am going on my own path vs I can’t allow you to tread on that dangerous path and ended up with I want to break our bond vs I don’t want to.

Now, this posture represents, Naruto is the one who pursues Sasuke to stop him from whatever he was about to do. Meaning, Naruto is the one who is constantly reaching out and Sasuke as usual kicks him out violently, that is he is pushing him away. That’s the essence of the whole battle.

Considering all the battles in the Naruto universe, I categorize them as follows:

Best Calculated (and emotional) battle - Itachi vs Sasuke

Best Hand-to-Hand combat - Kakashi vs Obito (what a fight it was!!!)

Best Mega Powered Up battle - Hashirama vs Madara

Best Emotional battle - Naruto vs Sasuke (1st valley of the end)

Best Unpredictable/Entertaining battle - Naruto vs Pain

Despite having all the potential to fulfill the above categories, The Final Valley of the End Battle never bested in any of them.

As analyzed before, the boys have grown up to greater heights. I expected a battle between Cleverness of Sasuke Vs Unpredictability of Naruto

But what I observed was something so intense. That is Unintentional closeness.

This battle symbolizes one thing: I am going to kill you to get lonely vs I won’t let you kill me because you will be alone.

Being a long range fighter, I expected Sasuke to go for this.

If you have to kill someone you love, it is best to keep your distance. Sasuke knows this full well when he battled with Itachi. Except for some Sword fighting, he maintained a certain distance to fight Itachi throughout, until the very end.

But when fighting Naruto, all I got was this.

That’s when I finally understood that this posture means, the fight is very personal. Which means, Sasuke or Naruto won’t be fighting by sitting on top of each other with their enemies or anyone else. That’s just between them alone.  

There was no analysis or cleverness from Sasuke’s side or any Unpredictability from Naruto. It was very bland and Sasuke looked clueless throughout the fight.

It started with some boxing style combat, including stealing hand seals and then some power punches. Very quickly it propels to Susanoo vs Tailed Beast mode. I expected some Hashirama vs Madara level power battle.

But all we saw there was this.

I mean, Come on!!! Man. Even the most Crazy and openly Romantic Uchiha, Madara himself never fought like this in Susanoo with Hashirama (Though Madara must be thinking ‘Damn Hashirama! I should’ve tried this with you’. LOL). Those mega battles carried variety of tactics.

Another thing I noticed was, Sasuke is the one who does lots of talking and constantly pursuing Naruto. Whereas Naruto is uncharacteristically quiet for the most part. 

And finally it leads to this.

Sasuke was unconsciously getting closer and closer to Naruto which is the opposite of what he wants to do. Because of that very closeness, he couldn’t look at his eyes with his Sharingan and eventually got an uppercut. It’s like Sasuke was screaming, ‘Hate me’ and Naruto was like ‘Keep talking’.

Every jutsu he had for attacking from a long-range were forgotten. He didn’t even try to put Naruto under Genjutsu. I mean with his Rinnegan, he was capable of putting all the 9 Tailed Beasts into a powerful Genjutsu. Why didn’t he try that with Naruto? There was no Chidori Stream or Lightning Blade.

I can imagine Naruto doing close range fights with someone or even sitting on top of the enemy. Example, part I, Naruto head bumped Gaara. He was literally fighting with his Shadow Clones against a Monster so he had to get closer. Naruto monstrously punching Deidara not knowing the fact that it was a clay clone.

But Sasuke??? Can you imagine Sasuke sitting on top of the enemy and punching to pulp??? No way. Not a chance.!!!

In one way or other way, Sasuke was always in the close proximity with Naruto throughout the battle and touching each other which is totally uncharacteristic of him when compared to his other battles.

Every battle he ever fought was always at a distance which is the clear representation of his own character. He is calculative, analytical, precise and moves fluidly with a flair like a true Ninja unlike Naruto who is always reckless, noisy, powerful and clumsy. 

Sasuke is someone who never lets his emotions get ahead in the battle, unlike Naruto. This is evident from the War when he was yelling at Naruto to stop worrying about Hokage as they were Edo Tensei who can regenerate. Even when fighting with Itachi, he calculated every move and attacked Itachi without any emotions except at the very end. Sasuke in this final battle forgot who he was and telling us viewers “Am just gonna get closer to Naruto and punch him hard”.

In short, Sasuke completely forgot all his battle tactics he had with Itachi and let his emotions get ahead of his cleverness and got himself closer to Naruto which eventually ended up weakening his resolve to kill him. This is what I meant by Unintentional Closeness.

Anyways, what I understood was, the creator didn’t put all this by without any meaning. It’s all very deliberate and drawn carefully.

Moving onto the final and the most defining moments of SNS.

When I watched this scene for the first time, I can’t comprehend the exact meaning. And I forgot about this later because of my excitement to know what happens next. But what I understood on my rewatch is that, the feelings exchanged here is very pure and innocent but distressing.

Sasuke already lost his resolve to kill by not ramming Naruto with Chidori instead balled up his fist. So he is not contemplating whether or not to kill Naruto.

Sasuke made every effort to leave Naruto and succeeded in it too. But somehow, accidentally, when faced with a person whom he considers so precious in such a close proximity, despite have a stinging pain in his arm, he is feeling the warmth he once felt. He just wants that warmth to prolong for some more time and he can’t able to evade it. So he totally gave in to that desire and feeling it unconsciously. Sasuke always watched Naruto (unbeknownst to him) and felt warmth, relief and weakness. This scene is the symbolic and innocent representation of all those feelings when he saw Naruto and he is exeriencing it for the final time. 

Does this means, does Sasuke wants to kiss him? No.

But every symbolism of that being happening is there. It’s just all open to interpretations. The creator could show us how Sasuke fell on his knees and staring at Naruto intently but never intended to show when he got up and left. I don’t understand this twisted mind of the creator.

Added to that, Sasuke was about to say ‘Naruto, I....’ God only knows what he was about to say. But every possibility of Sasuke confessing and kissing is there.

I know the creator cannot approach this directly considering the situations he worked under. But is there any necessity for such an intense scene? Even the anime creators loved this scene and made their own version of making Naruto’s eyes wide open and even more closer.

I wont be watching my friend or sister like that. 

That explains all the way back to this fated accidental scene.

There is nothing special about this scene. It’s all very clear that the kiss was accidental. It was really funny. But my point is why Sasuke never beat him to pulp or even push Naruto away like he did with Sakura and Karin? Why did he stood up for Naruto before Sakura? Why did he let go off Naruto even though he tied him up? Too many leeway for a single person in a single episode. And the most important part is, Sasuke thought it was intentional and remembers the taste. LOL.

Does this means he enjoyed the kiss? Not at all.

Most probably he was shocked to see Naruto in such a close proximity after seeing him from a distance for all those years. And he enjoys this as just another prank from Naruto in his own innocent way. But he won’t mind getting another one from Naruto either.

So, to conclude

I believe I made this post from an objective standpoint without making crazy theories and I don’t have to..... since canonical resources were plenty. Obviously my own bias will also be there which is unavoidable. But I tried to question the creative choices of why this scene even exist in the first place many times. Because those are the scenes which made the most impact inside me.

My first watch of Naruto gave me the benefit of doubt that ‘Are they in love? Nah... They are friends. Maybe I am just overthinking...  but why does it feel different??’ and that too only after finishing episode 478. After rewatching it again and again, it only consolidated my view.

For Sasuke, his worldly ties are pretty thin and runny. He was always a loner from the beginning even when he had his family. He never bothered to make any friends nor did anyone tried to befriend him. He was pretty close to his family especially Itachi. When he lost everything, somehow he got attracted innocently to Naruto and started to like him. But beyond Naruto he never bothered to add anyone in his heart. He considered Kakashi and Sakura were like his acquaintances who helped him a lot and that’s all.

Then after using Orochimaru, he gathered some high skilled shinobi for killing Itachi. But he made it clear that there don’t need to be any understanding but just co-operation would be enough. But along his way, he just abandoned Jugo, Suigetsu somewhere. He openly said to Karin that she is nothing but a burden to him. When his hatred reached upto a maximum boiling point, he didn’t even hesitate to kill Karin, Kakashi or Sakura. But the moment Naruto appears he calmed down. The proof? He was shocked to see Naruto at first. Then Naruto calls, ‘Sasuke!!!’, to which Sasuke responds with, ‘What?’. Despite becoming a maniac, he could find it in his heart to listen to Naruto.

It took an Edo Tenseified Itachi to bring him some rationality to question his beliefs about destroying Konoha. When Jugo and Suigetsu appear again, he casually asked them, ‘What do you want with me at this point?’, I mean, Come On, Man. LOL.  Even during the war arc, when things were about to blast off he only cared about Jugo (who helped him many times, so understandable) and Naruto (Geez!!! LOL).

Even after their final battle, the anime went so far as to create a scene where they were alone in a bright Konoha. But Sasuke looked very peaceful and listening to Naruto intently. When Naruto freaks out about Infinite Tsukuyomi, he casually laughs off and says ‘you still care about the world’. Meaning, he is happy there spending time alone with the person he loves. Doesn’t give a rat’s ass about missing anyone else. (How romantic!!!). Honestly, Sasuke wouldn’t mind if they were to stay that way forever. He would gladly listen to Naruto all day.  But when Naruto disappears he freaks out and starting to make up his mind about joining his brother.

It’s very clear that the people he adores are Itachi and Naruto. Towards Itachi, it’s super understandable, because he is his own brother. But Naruto??? Why should the creator go so far as to make Sasuke adores Naruto even after breaking up with him?

And why make Sasuke possessive about Naruto’s life? When Obito was about to kill Naruto with that Black Orbs, Sasuke blocked him and said ‘You are not the One to sever the past, I am’. I understand the logic behind Sasuke’s possessiveness on Itachi’s life because he destroyed his family, childhood and even Itachi wants Sasuke to be the one to kill him. But why possessive on Naruto? He is not related to him by blood. Naruto never did anything wrong to Sasuke to warrant any hate either. You will become possessive on something only when you truly hate it or wholeheartedly love it. There is no middle ground. My point is why put Naruto here at all in the first place?? Believe me, If Sasuke never paid attention to Naruto in the War arc, I would be the first person to jump out of this ship. 

Just to give you a basic example, Imagine you are living in a place far away from your family, friends and that loveable person. When Corona hits everywhere and forced Lockdown to travel outside the city, and the situation is getting worse day by day. Whom would you desperately reach out first? You would reach the person whom you are connected well in your family and that loved one. You will prioritize your friends only later. This is the Universal truth. Sasuke was seen showing that same instinct in the War arc towards Naruto whom he was not related by blood. And you all just want me to believe Sasuke sees him as just a friend?? Give me a break!!!

If all those traits I’ve mentioned above have been avoided to a greater extent, I would be happy to believe that they are friends. If not all, at the very least delegate some of the tropes to other people or share some of the tropes with other people along with Naruto. But dumping it all on Naruto alone makes me only curious and incredibly romantic too. 

It’s no wonder, Naruto would go so far as to reach out Sasuke even at the expense of his life.

Oh, Did I forget about the cutest and most exclusive trope to SNS?

U-SU-RA-TON-KA-CHI, the most personal word which carries its own meaning and is only for Naruto. So funny that Sasuke has to spend a certain amount of energy to call Naruto using a 6 syllabic word rather than NA-RU-TO, a 3 syllabic word which is much easier.

Disclaimer: This post constituted everything from from Chapter 1 to 699 or Episode 1 to 135 (part 1) + Episode 1 to 479 (Shippuden) excluding fillers. Though Sasuke shinden novel was made into anime, I don’t want to consider that here. As much as I loved the prologue in that novel, I still don’t want to cite that here, as I consider everything after 699 is $$$$ making bullshit.

FUN FACT:

If you put yourself in any character in the Naruto Universe except for Naruto, and ask them, ‘What do you think about Sasuke?’. You know the answer from Sakura, she will say ‘Sasuke-Kun looks very cool and acts aloof, that’s why I love him’. Kakashi will say ‘My favorite student’. And all the other people will say somewhat similar, ‘He is an excellent Shinobi who belongs to the proud Uchiha clan and Naruto’s rival’

But Naruto will be the only person to say this.

“Lot of fun to be around” ....... LOLLLLL.

Me: No, Naruto!!! Clearly not. No one in your universe can have fun with him except you. Go and Ask Sai, Team Taka or your own Team 7. They adore him for being Cool and Talented. But Fun is not the word that equates with Sasuke unless there is no You, Naruto.

Thanks for reading :-D

[anistarrose]

Summary: Stan finds a recording from a fateful puppet show, a few disjointed memories fall into place, and the Pines family has some tense conversations.

Relationships: Ford Pines & Stan Pines, Dipper Pines & Ford Pines & Mabel Pines & Stan Pines

Characters: Stan Pines, Ford Pines, Dipper Pines, Mabel Pines, Bill Cipher (posthumously)

Set in early September, probably a little less than a week after Dipper and Mabel went home.

(It felt good to write some Stangst again! Title is from Monster Town by Go! Child because when I can't think of titles on my own, I go to my GF playlist for inspo, and that song jumped out at me today)

***

“We should probably bring a backup camera on the boat,” Ford mused, in a tone that made it impossible to tell whether he was talking to Stan or just to himself. “Maybe even multiple backup cameras. There’s no telling what the Arctic climate could do to their circuitry, and people hardly take cryptid reports seriously even with photographic evidence, never mind with just an eyewitness account and an excuse about a broken camera —”

“Easy, Sixer.” Stan set down his fully-packed suitcase at Ford’s feet, satisfied with its contents. “I’ve got a camcorder up in my room, or maybe in — actually, I can’t remember where I decided to keep it, but it’s probably still in the house somewhere. If I can find it, you can add it to your camera horde.”

Ford zipped open Stan’s suitcase, revealing hand-knitted sweaters and Hawaiian shirts in approximately equal numbers, and sighed. “Some brave wardrobe choices you’re making here. Or have you forgotten that the first beach we’re stopping at is in Alaska?”

“Well, someone’s gotta lead the fashion revolution in the Arctic Circle, and it sure ain’t gonna be you,” Stan called as he headed upstairs, provoking a resigned “hrmph” from Ford.

Stan decided to look for the camcorder in his bedroom first — because while his memory still had some scattered gaps, his gut instincts rarely lead him astray, and checking his room had been his first impulse. Sure enough, he found it sitting on a shelf and covered in slightly less dust than the adjacent stack of magazines, just as he ever-so-vaguely remembered it.

“Better make sure this thing works, before Ford declares it too unreliable for yeti hunts or whatever,” he muttered to himself, leaning back onto his bed and fumbling for the power button. The camcorder blinked to life, presenting an interface that was probably hopelessly outdated — but Stan didn’t care, while Ford would have no way of knowing what modern Earth technology looked like.

What’d I even record on this thing anyway? He selected a random video from June, was greeted with his own voice singing the first line of the Stan Wrong Song, and immediately deleted the recording. With a sigh and silent vow to never let Ford learn of the song’s existence, he moved on to a video from July.

Once again, it was Mabel’s handiwork — heh, no wonder I couldn’t remember what I used this thing for, since the kids were always borrowing it from me — but this time, Stan himself wasn’t in frame, though the craft supplies strewn about the living room were enough to stir dormant memories.

“Dipper! Puppet Dipper! Smile for the camera!”

Dipper yawned, then somewhat half-heartedly mimicked the motion using the sock puppet on his hand. “Puppet Dipper’s not really feeling up to it this morning.”

“Did Puppet Dipper stay up too late trying to solve a mystery? Bwap!” The footage blurred as Mabel nudged Dipper with a sock puppet of her own. “Do I need to make him a little puppet-sized pillow?”

“How about… some puppet-sized sunglasses, for a puppet detective?” Dipper suggested.

“Good idea!” Mabel agreed. “Then no one will notice when Puppet Dipper falls asleep standing up!”

Stan shook his head and smiled.

Man, I wish I’d found this back when my memories were still a mess — Mabel kinda skimmed over the whole puppet saga in her scrapbook. Wonder what else got recorded from that week…

He selected the next video chronologically, noticing that it was also the final recording on the device, and the smile vanished from his face.

“You can’t stop me!” It was Dipper’s voice, yet not Dipper’s voice — all fury and arrogance, and the camcorder’s cheap speaker crackled with static, like the voice was too much, too wrong, too alien to properly record and then replicate. “I’m a being of pure energy with NO weaknesses!”

Without a doubt, Dipper’s body was onscreen, but he was staggering towards Mabel with arms twisted at impossible angles. He lunged for the journal in her hands, eyes glinting the same gold color as the emblem of the six-fingered hand —

Stan hit the power button, rolled over on the bed, and buried his face in his pillow as the wave of memories crashed into him.

Brushing off Dipper’s sorry state as sleep deprivation, until the kid collapsed on the way out of the theater. Seeing the cuts and bruises all over Dipper’s hands as Stan helped him to his feet, and grilling the kids on what happened the whole drive to the hospital. Not getting an answer beyond “sleep deprivation.”

Not being able to give the doctor an answer beyond “sleep deprivation.”

Telling the twins’ parents it was just “sleep deprivation.”

A tense phone call, assuring Mr. and Mrs. Pines that Dipper’s recovery would be swift and tha Gravity Falls was still safe for their children. Stan’s hands shaking as he holds the phone, having no idea if that’s the truth, if he’s doing the right thing.

Mabel crying over a crumpled-up scrap of paper — a note? — she’d found in the car, and refusing to show it to Stan. Half-overheard secrets, whispered between the younger twins when they think Stan isn’t paying attention — apologies, worries, and murmurs too soft to be in any way decipherable.

Dipper, still with bags under his eyes, spending the next few days doing almost nothing but looking over his shoulder and burying his head in the journal. Stan pretending not to notice, but secretly finding it far too familiar for comfort.

Later memories, too — memories of demons, and handshakes, and feeling his body go numb. Memories of a voice, a furiously shrieking voice — both terrified and terrifying, but more than anything, alien.

Now, far too late, Stan recognized it.

***

“We’re calling the kids,” Stan barked, barging back downstairs, and Ford jumped.

“What’s wrong? Are your memories —”

“Better than they’ve ever been, actually.” Stan stormed directly to the living room table, flipping open the laptop on loan from Soos and clicking the video chat app. “Good enough to figure out something that apparently no one thought it might be important to tell me!”

“Are you sure?” Ford put a hand on Stan’s shoulder. “We can still call them, but let’s talk this through first, make sure you’re not missing any gaps —”

Stan paused, cursor an inch away from the call button beneath Dipper and Mabel’s profile picture. “Did Dipper tell you about the time Bill possessed him?”

Ford started to say something, stopped, and tried again. “I… I assumed you knew. I’m sorry.”

“Did you know I ended up taking him to the goddamn hospital afterwards?”

“No,” Ford whispered, and Stan felt Ford’s fingers dig into his shoulder. “Call the kids, Stan.”

Mabel must’ve been online, because she picked up almost immediately. The video opened with her sitting in her kitchen in Piedmont, Waddles in her lap. “Grunkle Stan! Grunkle Ford! Guess what I —”

The joy drained out of her smile when she noticed her grunkles’ grave expressions. “What’s going on?”

“Mabel, pumpkin,” Stan murmured, trying to tune out the sound of his heart thumping in his chest, “could you go get your brother?”

“I’m here, I’m here!” Dipper slid into view, almost falling off his chair, and Mabel scooted out of the way so they could both comfortably face the laptop. “Is something wrong?”

“Not anymore,” Ford explained, “but Stan and I wanted to talk about… communication, among other things — Stan? Are you sure you’re alright?”

Stan wiped the sweat from his forehead and shuddered, forcing himself to take a deep breath as he stared at the computer.

Dipper’s back home. Dipper’s safe. They’re both safe, and they’ll never have to worry about Bill again.

“Stanley?” Ford echoed, increasingly distressed. “Please, if —”

“I’ll be alright,” Stan managed, because even he wasn’t a good enough liar to convince anyone he was alright at this exact moment. “Promise. But kids, why didn’t you tell me when Bill hijacked your puppet show?”

Dipper and Mabel exchanged a guilty look.

“Was it because you thought I’d take away the journal?” Stan regretted his ‘only self-defense’ stipulation for the third journal more than almost anything else he’d said that summer, because he’d always known deep down that it wouldn’t stop the kids — and in hindsight, he would’ve much rather known what trouble the kids were getting into, not have them hide it from him with their late nights out in the woods and nonspecific excuses.

“At first,” Dipper replied. “But we ended up worrying a whole lot more about you sending us home early —”

“Your parents almost made that decision for me,” Stan admitted. “They were ready to drive up here and come get you when they heard what happened. I dunno how I convinced them to let you stay —”

He sighed. “And maybe knowing the truth wouldn’t have actually helped me that time — but it would’ve been nice to know how big a lie I was telling when I told them this town was safe for you kids, y’know?”

He regretted voicing that thought immediately, but regretted it even moreso when Dipper looked away from the camera, mumbling: “I’m sorry, Grunkle Stan.”

“Stan’s not trying to guilt you,” Ford spoke up, “but we want you to know you can talk about these things honestly with us — and that goes for both of you, Dipper and Mabel. We’d never want to punish you for something that was obviously… someone else’s fault.”

Thank god one of us has finally learned to think through what we say before we say it, Stan figured.

“I’m sorry too, kids,” he added out loud. “For getting angry at you a minute ago — ‘cause I’m not angry at you, I’m angry at Bill for what he got away with right behind my back, and I… I just…”

He brushed a finger across their digital faces, a gesture that no doubt failed to translate to the video feed Dipper and Mabel were viewing, and smiled. “Thanks for picking up so fast, ‘cause I really needed a reminder that the two of you are safe and sound and all.”

The kids smiled back, visible for just a second before Mabel leaned forward to hug her laptop and the screen went dark.

“Anytime, Grunkle Stan.”

***

“Coffee?” asked Ford, ever the early riser, as Stan trudged into the kitchen the next morning. “You look like you need it.”

“Gee, thanks, Sixer,” Stan groaned, slumping into the seat across from Ford at the kitchen table. “I’ve heard of backhand compliments, but now I’ve gotta live with your backhanded coffee offers too?”

“Sorry. I’m sympathizing, not mocking — I promise, when I woke up today, my eyes were just as bloodshot as yours are now,” Ford replied, sliding Stan a mug of steaming coffee. “How are your memories?”

It was a routine question as of late, but Stan still managed to botch it completely.

“Too good,” he muttered under his breath, and earned a quizzical look from Ford.

“Pardon?”

“…Good enough that I can remember all kinda things to feel shitty about,” Stan reluctantly admitted. “Like not even noticing when Dipper was possessed, for one thing. I spent the whole summer worrying about him, except for when he was actually in danger —”

“Oh, Stanley,” Ford sighed, “that’s not your fault. You know Bill was an expert liar; he scammed too many people to count —”

“Yeah, but I shoulda seen through it!” Stan brought his fist down on the table, and the contents of his mug sloshed precariously close to the top. “Of all people, I should’ve known better —”

“Right.” Ford grimaced. “Right. Because no one else who should’ve known better was ever tricked by a dream demon for a whole lot longer than a few hours —”

“Shit. Ford, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it like —”

With a controlled glowering expression and deliberate motions, Ford stood, marching across the kitchen with all the fury and hesitation of a slow-moving thunderstorm.

“I didn’t mean it was your fault! I’d never — ”

“…I know.” Ford came to a halt at the door, bracing one hand against the frame. “But if you can say as much about me, then… then why can’t you just say that about yourself?”

“What?!”

“You would’ve caught on soon enough, if Mabel hadn’t defeated Bill when she did — I wasn’t there, but I’m sure of that because I know you, and I know how well you know Dipper.” Ford shook his head. “I didn’t catch on to Bill’s lies for years. I gave him free reign to hurt people for so much longer than one evening —”

He crossed his arms, and his imposing silhouette in the doorway seemed to shrink.

“So if you’re not blaming me for anything to happen this summer, then you’d better not blame yourself, you — you knucklehead.”

“Are you kidding me?” Stan leapt out of his seat. “It’s no wonder you didn’t see through Bill’s lies, when your whole life, you had me watching your back — and then I wasn’t there for you, when you needed me more than ever —”

“Because I pushed you away!” Ford shouted, whirling back around to face him. “Do you know what I realized while I was trying to fall asleep last night? That if I’d just stood up to Dad when he kicked you out, if I’d just done the right thing for once in my formative years, then the end of the world as we knew it would’ve been averted altogether! No falling for Bill’s flattery, no arguing over the zodiac, no Weirdmageddon! We could’ve had it all, but we just couldn’t live in that better world, all because I convinced myself you were suffocating me —”

“But it sounds like maybe I still am, huh?” Stan growled. “If all I do is just make you furious like this —”

“No,” Ford gasped, all the hostility in his voice and his glare immediately melting away. “No, no, absolutely not! I’m not furious at you, Stan, I’m…”

“Furious at yourself,” Stan accused, “for being even worse than me?!”

“No! Don’t even say that!”

Before Stan could process what was happening, much less protest it, Ford was hugging him, burying his face in Stan’s shoulder.

“Maybe — maybe I am angry at you, after all,” Ford admitted, “but you’re my hero, Stanley. My inspiration. If am angry with you, it’s — it’s just because you’re too damn stubborn to forgive yourself…”

Stan gingerly placed a hand on Ford’s shoulder. “…Yeah, and you’re one to talk.”

“I won’t deny that,” Ford mumbled. He went quiet for a few seconds, and when he spoke up again, his voice was quieter, yet slightly more composed. “Maybe we need to just… call a truce. Find something positive to agree on. We’re both too stubborn for this argument to end with either of us admitting we were wrong —”

“At least for give-or-take the next forty years,” Stan interrupted, punctuating his words with a bitter laugh.

Ford barked out a laugh of his own, loud and cathartic, and withdrew from the hug, removing his glasses to rub his eyes. “If Dipper and Mabel were here, they would have told us to stop being stubborn old men a while ago. I wish they were here.”

“They’d probably also tell us it’s more Bill’s fault than either of ours,” Stan added. “And… I guess they’d have a point.”

“I can see the logic in that.” Ford smiled faintly. “I’m sorry for making this about me, by the way. You opened up to talk about your own issues, and I —”

“Hey, I made it about you just as much as you did, Brainiac,” Stan reminded him. “…But damn. You think we’ll ever be able to talk about our feelings without shouting our lungs out at each other?”

“We’re still no good at thinking through anything before we say it,” Ford replied, “though I guess we must be getting a little better, since we didn’t even stop speaking to each other this time.”

“Thank god. I’m tired of not talking to you.”

The two of them settled back into their seats at the table, and Stan reached for the morning paper, but Ford spoke up once more.

“I know forgiveness, especially self-forgiveness, can be… complicated,” he told Stan in a low voice, “so maybe I’m biased, speaking as someone who’d rather not grapple with my own personal guilt — but even more important than whether you forgive or blame yourself, I think, is acknowledging that you made mistakes, yet still deserve good things from the universe. And that goes for you and me both.”

Stan took a sip from his mug, pleased to find its contents were still warm. “Good things like coffee, and adventures sailing around the world?”

Ford chuckled. “My priorities exactly.”

[sapphicdalliances]

Dear Chocolatier,

thank you so much for being here!! my sincere apologies for the lateness and messiness of this letter! sorry about my incredibly inconsistent capitalisation! it has been updated on the 8th of january, and may receive more updates this week.

I’m a simple bitch with simple tastes; here is a general summary of my preferences, and fandom-specific notes and prompts can be found further down!

I very much enjoy:

Fics that are short, but imply a longer, deeper verse; since this exchange is for short fics, but some of my prompts seem expansive, I just want to give you carte blanche permission to dip into an AU, splash around in it, and simply not provide additional details.

Comedic tones, slice-of-life, lighthearted fun, any amount of improbable romcom tropes

Am also on board with misunderstandings and drama as long as there is a happy ending!

I’m deeply okay with AUs, and most likely would be down for any modern, romcom, fantasy/fairytale, gender swap, or remix/crossover AUs you feel inspired to explore! My favourite settings include mundane/urban fantasy (witches! werewolves!), anachronism-stew-with-magic western fantasy jumbles, and disney’s Tangled.

Writing tropes I love:

Proposal fic

Wedding fic where the couple getting married is not the main couple

Outsider/third character POV of the main couple

Exes who are still in love/getting back together

Friends-with-benefits-with-feelings/did a bad job keeping it casual

Shipfic where two or more couples are contrasted

Oblique declarations of love/saying i love you without saying i love you

Provision and caretaking (acts of service!)

Aggressive matchmaking/wingmanning by an enthused friend

Hanahaki, or any other improbably dramatic instances of Cannot Spit It Out

Arranged marriage/fake marriage/fake dating

Epistolary fic

Regrettably I also love a/b/o, especially the kind that emphasises on scent safety and contains little to no actual sex

Art tropes I love, if you offered art:

Art where the characters simply look fond.

Fashion remixes – street fashion, cultural/traditional clothes, festival clothes, renfaire-esque clothes, beach photoshoot, get wild with it

Putting animal characteristics on one or both of them

Botanical motifs + celestial motifs

When plants grow directly out of people

The thing where character A is focused on something they’re doing or seeing, and the character B is focused only, wholly, desperately on A. please… the Gaze

Depictions of intimacy where faces are partially or fully hidden, but the body language is gentle

Characters SLEEPING next to each other, or comfortably doing separate activities in each other’s presence

If you wish to get frisky with your fills:

Yes!

Go for it!

I don’t have strong top/bottom preferences (and usually enjoy it when they switch or are otherwise generally equitable) so whatever you’re in the mood for is fine!

Kink tropes I very much enjoy include oral, restraints, praise kink, when proud characters cry during sex because they love their partners so much, and xeno tropes.

I love non-horny sex scenes; comedic, silly, charged, fraught, or simply affectionate exchanges that happen to include sex are my favourite. Feelings are the real kissing disease.

But like, if you wanna get horny about it.

Chase your bliss.

They simply must be in love.

I’m not as into:

Kidfic

First person narration

Soulmate AUs specifically

Kink wise, my only major squicks are incest, teacher/student, and public sex/getting caught, but i’m also not super keen on daddy kink, toilet stuff, or anything with blades or needles.

In general, please avoid:

Character death or serious/permanent injury

Animal abuse or death

Infidelity

Hopeless or downer endings

Fandom specific info:

Haikyuu!!

changed my life, cured my depression, what can be said about it? truly one of the most important series to me of all time. all musings on craft and creativity aside, let’s focus on the TRUE LOVE!!

i’m all caught up with the manga and supplementary materials!

suggested prompts: - sakuatsu, being mean to each other on purpose vs. being soft to each other by accident - kagehina or iwaoi dealing with LDR - kyouhaba are forced to cooperate on an innocuous, preferably wholesome task, such as gardening, or finding the owner of a lost dog, and it goes approximately As One Would Expect - bokukuroo + overheard phone conversation: and you've slept together how many times now? hmm. yeah, that's not technically a bromance (not in a no-homo way, just in a we-are-both-so-stupid-and-like-each-other-so-much-way) - actually that overheard phone conversation would work for any of these ships.

suggested prompts, art-specific: - festival clothes!! - put some wings on some of them. now it's bird romance, which is for birds - (i lied, this isn't art-specific at all, wingfic is always welcome in any of its forms) - just pick up your whole boyfriend and carry him like that. maybe even kiss him.

Or please do remix it with any of my general tropes listed above!

Oofuri

suggested prompts: - Hanai and Tajima really. struggle to get together. for like a bunch of years probably? Tajima copes with it by patiently processing his emotions in a healthy way and enjoying some casual dating. Hanai copes with it, as he does all things, by not coping - The ways Abe and Mihashi learn to take care of each other… Mihashi cooking 4 Abe… T_T

Promare

i simply think the twink and the himbo are in love.

Ace Attorney

favourite klapollo dynamic goes like this:

klavier: *genuinely and sincerely in love with apollo, in a very soft way* apollo: *furious* he's mocking me. why are you like this? klavier: I enjoy your company apollo: FINE, KEEP YOUR SECRETS

also consider: - what if klavier was a big ol golden retriever and apollo was just an angry liddol bunny. like, think about it

Or please do remix it with any of my general tropes listed above!

Wotakoi

I love that this series has three couples in different stages of a relationship: one who’ve been together for years and love each other like well-worn grooves; one who have history but have only just recently begun a relationship and are discovering each other anew; and one who probably will not bring themselves to share a kiss for another 27 calendar years.

Narumi/Hirotaka: Honestly, the main couple of a series usually goes over my head a bit, but the more i thought about these two the more wretchedly fond of them I became. The thing I think of the most is how Narumi taught him how to smile as a child; how she did things that meant nothing to her, so easily does kindness come, but that meant so much to him; and how now that they are grown, he does things for her that take no effort, but shake her foundations. I think theirs is a love that grows quietly; something that cannot change the world, but can change them.

Koyanagi/Kabakura: My thoughts on these two are not complex, but they are deeply positive. I love how huge their personalities are, and how they fit around and against each other; I love the implication that despite their endless bickering, they are not an on-again-off-again kind of relationship, and have instead chosen each other over and over again for ten straight years. I love that despite everything, they are kind to each other, first and foremost; they find ways to apologise and to take care of each other, and treat each other gently in private.

Kou/Naoya: I love every ship in this manga equally but perhaps I love Kou/Naoya more equally than the other two? They are just so kind and so silly, and so sweet to each other in exactly the way both of them didn’t realise they were missing. I think about Naoya being told that Kou is “okay with being alone”, and realising that “okay with it” and “have accepted it” are different, and taking his little baby steps to fix it. I think about Kou giving Naoya every last drop of patience he’s trained himself not to accept, and doing so because it simply makes her happy. My only concern is that they are both bottoms. I don’t have a solution for this.

suggested prompts, fic:

- accidentally dating ft. Kou and Naoya, or, “and you’ve made out how many times now? Hmm. Yeah, that’s not technically a bromance.” - 5 times Hirotaka and Narumi almost, almost kissed, and 1 time they did; the unresolved romantic tension may kill me and it would be worth it - what Hirotaka and Narumi taught each other (apart from the more mundane gaming and life skills, i believe that she taught him how to smile and be loved by others, and he taught her how to be loved by herself!) - smutty domesticity ft. Koyanagi and Kabakura — a lazy Sunday, laundry in the sun, fucking on the couch, everything easy with familiarity - (addendum to above: pegging)

suggested prompts, art: - festival clothes - someone’s getting married - naoya: *hands kou a tangerine* *hands kou a tangerine* *hands kou a tangerine* *hands kou a tangerine* *hands kou a t - red string of fate motifs

Or please do remix it with any of my general tropes listed above!

Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki-Kun

seowaka: they are idiots, and they like each other very much, but they do not know. i love a tall crying boy and his short but much more powerful girlfriend.

chiyo/nozaki + chiyo/nozaki/mikorin: im rooting for her in the face of such overwhelming stupidity. one himbo is difficult enough to seduce but two. chiyo is a hero and a woman of rare courage. i like the pair and the trio equally; again, if you go with trio, it’s important that they all love each other please!

suggested prompts: - 5 times any of these ships went on a date without realising, and the time they realised - urban fantasy AU where Waka is a hapless monster hunter and Seo is an annoying but deeply harmless werewolf who’s been terrorizing his town?? - fairytale AU where Seo believes she must rescue the prince from the tower and deliver him back to the kingdom capital, and the prince, who had not realised he’d been kidnapped, thinks Seo is a usurper from a rival kingdom who must be supervised all the way back to the kingdom capital to be served her justice

suggested prompts, art-specific: - festival clothes… - nozaki carrying chiyo, who’s carrying mikorin - (seo carrying waka) - waka sleeping peacefully in seo’s presence… :’(

Or please do remix it with any of my general tropes listed above!

we made it through all the fandoms.

Thank you for making it to the end of this whole disaster; I hope at least one of the prompts sparked joy! The most important thing to me is that whatever you end up doing, you are able to enjoy the process at least somewhat, and deliver a creation that you like! I can also be found on twitter at @hawberries_ (for art) and @popplioikawa (for general ramblings). If you need some more inspo, I recommend going through my art tags for the selected ships because I put a lot of Opinions into my fanart.

[ugly-crying-over-bucky-barnes]

Burned Part 17

Summary:  Alfie Solomons is in need of a secretary. Tommy Shelby mentions a young woman in need of employment. From there the two step into a dangerous dance together.

Part 17: The honeymooners are hit with a startling realization. Louise celebrates a birthday. 

//Happy holidays! Here’s an extra long chapter filled with angst and fluff. 

           The summer Parisian morning filtered into the room the next day. Alfie was fast asleep on his stomach, his arm thrown over Louise’s bare stomach. She smiled tiredly and stroked her husband’s back. Her fingernails grazed lightly over the planes of his muscles and each vertebra of his spine. She traced up to his shoulder blades and paused when she came across an unfamiliar mark.

           On first glance, it appeared to be an abrasion but she realized it was something wrong with the skin and not an external wound.

           Alfie began to stir underneath her touches. “’Mornin’ Mrs. Solomons.” He murmured in a gravely voice.

           “Alfie, what is this on your shoulder?” She asked, too concerned to reply to the greeting.

           He seemed to know exactly what she was talking about because he didn’t become alarmed. He merely shut his eyes again. “S’nothing.”

           “Alfie…” She warned him before he tried to sweep it under the rug.

           “Just psoriasis.” He muttered, kissing her shoulder to try and distract her.

           “You saw a doctor?” His wife didn’t give the subject up.

           “Yes.”                                      

           “Really?” She raised an eyebrow. Alfie would never go to a doctor unless she’d force him. She wasn’t even sure he would go if he had a bullet in his chest. “When? Who did you see?”

           It was clear Alfie wasn’t going to win this battle. He couldn’t lie to her because she’d see right through him, or worse, she’d go to fact check his claims. “No, I didn’t. But that’s probably what it is, can’t imagine it’s anything else.” He turned over onto his back, blocking her view of the mark.

           “What if it’s cancer?” She asked with worry heavy in her hazel eyes.

           He never liked seeing her so concerned over him. “It ain’t cancer.”

           “Alfie, you don’t know that unless you go to a doctor.” She urged. “Please, we can go home early…”          

           “Lou, m’not cutting our fucking honeymoon short because of a little welt.” He interrupted her. “I promise, s’nothing serious. Now c’mon, I think we should pick up where we left off last night.” His arms wrapped around her waist to bring her close again.

           Louise didn’t look to be in the mood. She chewed on her lower lip, not brushing aside her concern like her husband did.

           He grazed his lips over her neck but she turned away from him to refuse the advance. “Lou…”

           She swallowed and forced a smile. “I just have to go to the bathroom.” She replied and pecked him on the cheek before standing up. “I’d like to go to the Louvre today. Will you take me after breakfast?”

           Alfie propped himself up on his elbow to watch her slip on a dressing gown. “Yeah, ‘course love.” He agreed quietly. There was no ignoring the worry in her eyes. He’d been so sure he could hide it from her despite being on their honeymoon. It was most likely cancer, he knew that. Lots of men from the war came back with it because of the gas. The gangster was not afraid of death, even a painfully slow one like skin cancer. But he was terrified of the effects it might have on his wife. Cancer wasn’t like the other dangers in his life. He could disarm the disease or just walk away from it. But he’d hold on as long as possible to give Louise the life she deserved.

~~~~~~~~~~~

           Louise wouldn’t let go of Alfie. She made sure his arm never slipped from hers as they walked slowly through the grand museum. If he moved one way, she followed.

           He could sense her growing dread. She spent less time at each painting the longer they remained at the museum. She appeared preoccupied, her eyes only focused on one part of the paintings, not studying it as she might have done before.

           Alfie tried to engage her in conversation about the art to distract her. But she merely nodded or gave a nearly silent, one-worded response.

~~~~~~~~~~

           “Seen this one in a postcard ‘fore.” They stood among other museumgoers in front of the Venus de Milo statue. “Not sure why she’s so famous without any fucking arms.” He smiled and gave a weak laugh.

           Louise didn’t even try to smile. She finally let go of his arm, slipping away from him and walking away without a word.

           Alfie’s shoulders slumped and he followed her. “Lou.” He trailed after her as she walked into another room. It was pretty empty, only a few people filtering in and out. “Louise.”

           She stopped and turned to him. Her eyes were filling up with tears. “How could you keep this from me?” She whispered.

           “I didn’t…” Alfie ran a hand through his hair and took a breath. “I didn’t lie to you, I don’t know what it fucking is, okay?”

           “You seem to have a hunch.” She crossed her arms over her chest and pursed her lips together. The last thing she wanted to do was argue on her honeymoon, especially in a place like the Louvre. But she was scared.

           “Even if that’s what it is, yeah, there ain’t anything we can do ‘bout it, love.” He replied honestly. “I didn’t exactly ask to get it, now did I?”

           “I wasn’t blaming you I…” Her throat tightened and the room around her felt like it was caving in.

           Alfie heard her breathing getting shallower. He gently guided her to sit on a nearby bench in the middle of the exhibit. He touched her arms and hushed her softly. “You don’t need to cry over it, Lou. Everyone fucking dies eventually, don’t they?”

           That didn’t help and she hiccupped, her shoulders hunched and eyes down. “I don’t want to lose you.”

           “Louise, love, look at me.” He coaxed.

           She shook her head adamantly. “I’m not-I can’t lose you. You’re my life…I love you too much and I-”

           “Sh…” He touched her cheek to stop her rapid-fire, panic. “Just look at me, aye?”

           Her hazel eyes finally met his. Tears slipped down her cheeks. “It’s not fair.”

           “Life ain’t fair.” He wiped her tears away with his thumb. “Don’t mean we can’t make the most of it. We can have the time of our fucking lives, Lou, do everything you want and still have enough time left to rest and do it all again. I ain’t dying today.”

           She pressed her face into his shoulder and cried freely. “Promise me. Promise me you won’t leave me.”

           Alfie would wrestle with fate for as long as he could. He wouldn’t let Death take him away from her until he was absolutely sure it was time. “I promise.” He rubbed her back comfortingly. “Let’s make the best of our life, yeah? We’re in Paris for fuck’s sake.”

           He finally drew a tearful laugh out of his wife.

           “Yeah?” He smiled and kissed her hair. “We’ve got a lovely little place on the beach, we’ve got the bakery in Camden, and we’ve got a fucking mansion in Surrey. We need to have a kid to fill up all that space, don’t we?” He murmured adoringly.

           She nodded. “Yeah…”

           “Well, then, can’t have a kid if we’re all worried ‘bout the future.” He soothed. “Come what may, love, yeah?”

           “Come what may.” She whispered back to him.

~~~~~~~~~~~

           Alfie took Louise out dancing that night to further pull her mind away from the unknown diagnosis. He couldn’t hold a candle to the French youth who lived to dance to the upbeat jazz music in the thriving club scene. But he held her close and swayed with her as she talked in his ear over the loud band. They talked about everything that wasn't the mark on Alfie's shoulder. He did everything he could to keep her mind off of it and direct her attention back to the honeymoon that she deserved.

~~~~~~~~~~

           The next morning, Alfie took her to Luxembourg Gardens. A large fountain had toy sailboats that floated along, young children along the edges using long sticks to push them along. It was a beautiful summer day and no clouds inhibited the sun.       

         Louise sat down on the ledge of the fountain, watching the little boats. Her mind was still occupied with Alfie’s potential cancer. Although they had spoken about it in the Louvre, she couldn’t stop worrying.

           “Alright?” Alfie stood in front of her, leaning on his cane.

           She nodded. “It’s too lovely of a day not to be.” She shrugged and smiled slightly. “I’ll be okay.”

           “I’m sorry, Lou, I wish I could make it easier but…”

           “Pardon Monsieur, can I use this? My sailboat’s stuck” A young boy came up and tugged on Alfie’s sleeve. He pointed to Alfie’s cane.

           “Uh…” He looked to his wife.

           “He wants to use your cane.” Louise saw a lonely little sailboat that was static in the still water.

           “Oh.” Alfie picked up his cane and knelt down to try and steer the ship back to the edge. “Here it comes, back to shore.”

           The boy smiled and picked the boat out of the water. “Merci!” He said before running off to find his parents.

           “It would so nice to have a little boy, don’t you think?” Louise wondered out loud.

           “Well, figure any child of yours would be polite.” Alfie shrugged and sat down beside her. He stretched out his legs and set his cane to the side.

           She smiled and took his hand. “I mean having a girl would be lovely. Either way, I would be happy. I just could see a little boy that looks like you. Blue eyes and all.”

           He chuckled and shook his head. He lifted his face to soak up a bit of the warm rays. “Wouldn’t want him to end up like me though. World don’t need another Alfie Solomons.”

           “No one could replace you, not even your own son.” She laughed softly and cuddled close to him.

           He kissed her forehead and wrapped an arm around her waist. “Tommy Shelby’s always talking ‘bout transitioning into a legitimate business.”

           “Could he?”

           Alfie shrugged. A light breeze blew through the park, the sailboats picking up speed. “S’pose it’s possible.”

           Louise grazed her fingers over his thigh and knee. “Maybe you could too.”

           He grumbled and tilted his head to the side. His hand came to rest over hers. His gold wedding band glinted in the sunlight. “Maybe. Maybe, love.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

           Alfie didn’t want to return to London and he had several reasons why. He knew the second they got back to Camden Town, Louise would be pushing him into a doctor’s office. The prospect of definitively finding out he had cancer was not on the top of his to-do list. He wasn’t sure when Luca Changretta was planning on appearing, but it had to be soon and Alfie didn’t want Louise in London when he did show up.

           But they had to return sometime. Alfie was sure the men at the bakery had a long enough vacation. He needed to make sure he was still an authority figure.

           Louise woke up a little later than usual. Alfie hadn’t woken her up because he wanted to grant her the luxury of sleeping in. He’d left a note on his pillow.

           Mrs. Solomons,

           Thought you might want to sleep in a bit. It’s a lovely day out so I thought you might want to walk. If not, have Evelyn call Ishmael to bring the car around.

           Love, Alfie

           Louise smiled and tucked the letter away to keep. She usually kept most of his letters because of her sentimental heart. After getting dressed, Louise began to walk to the bakery with Cyril. The bullmastiff was thrilled she and Alfie were back. He trotted alongside her, his ears perked up and listening to the sounds of the city around him.

           “Mornin’ Mrs. Solomons.”

           Louise glanced over to see two gentlemen she’d never met before in her life. Yet they had greeted her by name and tipped their caps in respect. “Oh, good morning.” She smiled but was confused. Despite the odd interaction, she kept walking. As she did, a few more unfamiliar people greeted her by her married name and a few mothers made sure their children didn’t run into her path. It was peculiar. Never before had she been treated that way in Camden or anywhere to be precise.

~~~~~~~~~~

           “Mornin’ Louise.” Ollie greeted her at the door. He took Cyril’s lead from her.

           “Ollie, has my husband been threatening the town to be nice to me?” Louise asked.

           “Threatening…well, I don’t know ‘bout that.” Ollie walked with her on her way to her desk. “Think people are glad Alfie’s married now. Takes the edge off him a bit, doesn’t it?”

           “I suppose. But I don’t want people treating me differently.”

           The young man shrugged. “I wouldn’t question it. He’s happier now and wants the world to know he’s married. It’s better than grumbling about the hot weather.”

           Louise smiled. “It sure is.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

           “Right, let’s see,” Alfie grunted as he climbed the stairs of the elegant building, his hips stiff as a board. His protection followed as they approached the railing that overlooked the viewing ring below. The man scoured the crowd until he saw a familiar face among the elite members of British society.

           “Tommy Shelby.” He clapped the man on the back.

           The Blinder was with the majority of his entourage. Johnny, Michael, Curly, John, Michael, and Arthur. They all visibly flinched as the gangster descended on them without warning. The other two eldest Shelbys instinctually reached for their handguns tucked away inside their coats.

           “Easy lads, easy.” Alfie held up his hands to symbolize peace. “This is a posh event, this is. Not looking to get blood on the walls of this fine place now, am I?”

           Arthur and John grimaced but withdrew their hands from inside their coats when their brother waved them off.

           “Alfie, this isn’t your usual haunt.” Tommy leaned up against the railing, a cigarette hanging from his lips per usual.

           “Yeah, well, the missus has a birthday next week.” Alfie rested on his cane to try and ease the pressure off his hips.

           “Heard you got married Alfie, how’d you manage to pull that one off?” John asked a smirk crossed his face as he did his best to goad on the unpredictable man.

           Michael chuckled and shook his head. “Probably kidnapped her.” He added.

           “You’re, a funny one, ain’t you?” He wasn’t in the mood to be played with because he was focused on Louise’s present. But he wouldn’t let the Shelby boys get the last word. “Nah, mate, your brother sent her my way, right?” He placed a hand over his heart. “And she’s fucking perfect in every way, innit she, Tommy?”

           A hint of a smile crossed Tommy’s face but he didn’t comment.

           “’Course she fucking is. And I tell ya what.” Alfie stepped closer to Michael and John. “When you’ve got your own firm and you’ve got a right gorgeous woman bent over your desk with a diamond the size of your pea-sized brain on her finger, you call ol’ Alfie, and I’ll laugh at your jokes all fucking day.” Normally, he wouldn’t be so crass when talking about his wife. But it was the Shelbys and Louise wasn’t there to scold him.

           Michael and John stared at him, mildly thrown off by the raunchy description but didn’t say anything in return.

           “Yeah?” He nodded curtly and gave them a smug look. “Good lads.”

           Tommy rolled his eyes but smiled. “Right, you lot, fuck off.” He said and shooed them away.

           “Tom…” Arthur was hesitant as he eyed Alfie suspiciously.

           “S’alright, go on.” He insisted. The group obliged but stayed on the second floor just in case. “We were happy to hear the wedding went smoothly.”

           “Yeah, well, we’re very happy too. Bought the estate that’s been in Louise’s family for-fucking-ever. This place, s’got beautiful pastures and a stable. So, figure it could use some animals.” Alfie shrugged. “My Lou grew up riding, grew up in a right wealthy family, she did. Now she’s got me and I still think she deserves those bits of luxury. And if there’s one man who knows best ‘bout horses, it’s Thomas Shelby. 'Cause I don't know a thing about these fucking beasts.” He poked the man in the shoulder.

           He smiled and nodded. It was refreshing to see Alfie gushing over spoiling his wife instead of threatening to shoot him. “What did you have in mind for her?”

           “She likes them thoroughbreds but those fuckers have hot blood, don’t they? Want to get her something safe, even-tempered, sound. Don't want her getting thrown.”

           “So, you want a horse with a personality opposite of yours.” The blue-eyed man teased deadpan and flicked a bit of ash off his cigarette.

           “Well, she’s got me already, don’t think she needs two of me.” Alfie was a little more willing to Tommy make jabs at him. He’d probably earned the right a while back after all the times Alfie held a gun to his head.

           “Right, I’ll help you.”

           Feeling at ease despite the unfamiliar setting, Alfie set his cane to the side and rested his forearms on the railing in front of them. “Buying another racehorse?”

           “Looking to, yeah.” Tommy’s eyes followed the horse in the ring but didn’t seem interested because he didn’t join in on the bidding.

           “How’s your boy? How’s Charlie?” He’d gotten a bit better at small talk, mostly because of Louise and moving out to the countryside. The elderly neighbors down the road decided to introduce themselves and Louise had to stop Alfie from bringing his gun to the door. Now Mr. and Mrs. Wilson treated Louise like she was their daughter and thought Alfie was just a gem. It was probably the first time anyone had, aside from his wife, and it made him feel uncomfortably strange. He had to chalk it up to Louise painting him in a holy light.

           “He’s good,” Tommy answered, his eyes lighting up as they usually did at the mention of his son. “Turning three next month. He's getting to be so tall for his age.”

           “Fucking hell, those little things grow like weeds. ‘Fore you know it he’ll be out being a Peaky Blinder, fucking up Birmingham.”

           Tom smiled and shook his head. “Promised Grace he’d be kept away from all that. We’ll be a legitimate business by then anyway. Won’t grow up the way I did.”

           Alfie nodded but didn’t believe anything of the sorts would become a reality. Their world was just a cycle. He’d mulled over the idea after his discussion in Paris with Louise. But he wasn’t sure it was ever possible. Of course, he would do anything for his wife but sometimes the lifestyle just didn’t mesh with hopes and dreams.

           “How about you and Louise? Setting up to have kids, eh? Bet it’s a fucking big house for just the two of you.”

           He scratched at his beard. “Well, we discussed it, yeah? I guess we’ll cross that fucking bridge when it comes. Still, in that honeymoon time, it really mucks up your brain, don’t it?”

           “Can’t have Alfie Solomons off guard, now.”        

           “Yeah, well.” He waved a dismissive hand. “Now, what ‘bout that one?” He asked when the next horse was led out. “Beautiful, innit?” Alfie wanted something gorgeous for his new wife and he thought the eye-catching black mare would do just the trick.

           “Looks like a Friesian.” Tommy watched the horse. “Seems quiet enough. You’ll want to get it properly trained either way.”

           But Alfie had already decided and began bidding.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

           “Again?” Louise had sighed but smiled when her husband wrapped a tie around her eyes to blindfold her.

           “We’re not going far.” He promised. “S’your birthday, Lou, you need at least one surprise.”

           The July morning was warm but not unbearable like it had been all week. There was a light breeze traveling through Surrey and it kept Inglewood a bit cooler. It was barely nine in the morning and Alfie had already showered his wife with gifts. But he made her wait until after breakfast for the biggest surprise.

           “It’s outside?” Louise asked when she heard him open the back door. The summer sun kissed her face and arms. The sound of the bees buzzing in the garden gave her an idea of where they were.

           “Well, couldn’t have it in the house, could I? Would be too big and make a mess of everything.” He chuckled and led her down the path to the stables. He kept one arm steady on her shoulder and held her other hand to guide her.

           “Hm…too big to have in the house? Is it a car?” She guessed.

           He laughed and shook his head. “F'you want a car, love, you’ll have to wait for the holidays. It’s not a car.”

           “Well, then what on earth wouldn’t fit in the house?”

           He squeezed her hand. “I s’pose that’s the thing ‘bout surprises, you’ve got to wait to find out, silly girl.”

           Louise stuck her tongue out at him and pouted. “Really, Captain Solomons? You’re teasing me on my birthday? I don't think that's very kind of you at all.”

           “I think this’ll make up for it.” They arrived at the stables and Alfie waved for the newly hired stable hand to bring out Louise’s present.

           “Can I see now?” She asked and reached for the blindfold.

           “Sure.” He slowly untied it, letting her wait a few more moments.

           Louise heard a soft nicker and the familiar sound of hooves on the gravel drive. Her heart skipped a beat as she figured out what the present was. She gasped softly when the blindfold was finally removed. “Alfie!”

           The stunning Friesian stood a few feet in front of her. The mare tossed her head, shaking out her long mane. She was proud in stature with a well-defined form and a glossy coat. It reminded Louise her favorite book as a young girl, Black Beauty. A gorgeous horse as black as night with an alluring quality about it.

           “Tommy Shelby helped me pick her out,” Alfie explained. “D’you like her?” He asked hopefully.

           “Oh, Alfie, she’s gorgeous.” Louise approached the mare, letting her sniff her hand. The young horse eagerly searched her for any treats, her muzzle grazing over the waist of her skirt. “Sorry, love, I don’t have anything to give you right now.” Louise stroked her hand over the mare’s silky black coat.

           Alfie kept his distance. He was not familiar with horses in the slightest and a little unnerved at how big the mare’s hooves were. He thought it was remarkable that Louise was so comfortable around her. “She’s five-years-old, already broken in. But I figured we could hire someone to train her. Tommy’s got a woman he trusts. Said she could come here to help.”

           Louise nodded. “It’s been a while since I’ve ridden.” She admitted. The Friesian let her stroke her cheek and fuss over the tiny white patch in the shape of a crescent moon under her forelock. “What’s her name?”  

           “May Carleton, she doesn’t live too far from here. Trains Tommy’s horses for Epsom.”

           “No, no, the horse’s name.”

           “Oh, well.” Alfie dug through his pocket to pull out the certificate for the mare. “Midnight in Surrey. But I figured you could give her a proper name and not that fucking mouthful.”

           Louise thought to herself for a moment as she affectionately stroked the horse’s neck. Several names flitted through her head all with deep meaning to her life, but she came up with one that was very special to her. “I want to name her Paris.” She decided.

           “Paris?” He nodded and smiled. “Seems like a good fit to me.”

           Louise drew away from the mare. She hugged her husband tightly and kissed his cheek. “I love you.”

           “I love you too, love, happy birthday.” He murmured. If only they could stay in that moment. A warm summer day in July. London was far away and there was no use worrying about it. But once the sharp chill of winter arrived, everything would change.

Permanent Tag List: @papa-geralt-of-cirilla​ @giftofdreams​

Tag List: @vehement-care​ @kimmietea​ @eleventhdoctorsangel​ @fire-treasure-iii​ 

Masterpost

PB Masterlist 

[anti-pasto]

for the 200 ask thingy, i actually dare you to do all of them. :D

delgaskarthalexhere we go, anon: 

200: My crush’s name is: I don’t have one right now, I don’t get them often (if I ever had a crush at all)

199: I was born in: 2003

198: I am really: A 2005 emo kid x a 2008 scene kid x a 2014 tumblr fangirl x Kyle himself

 197: My cellphone company is: Apple

194: My ring size is: Honestly? No idea. Propose to me with a sword.

 193: My height is: Somewhere between 5′7″ and 5′8″

192: I am allergic to: Nothing I’m aware of 

191: My 1st car was:  94 Station Wagon, by request

190: My 1st job was: being this funny is a full-time gig

 189: Last book you read: Bone Gap by Laura Ruby

188: My bed is: “made”

187: My pet: I have a cat, I love her very much and I will show her to you if you dm me a cursed image

186: My best friend: We don’t use “best friend” for personal reasons, but they’ve been with me since I was 5 so, my one and only Bro

185: My favorite shampoo is: anything with “silky smooth” or “strawberries” on the bottle. i’m not that picky anymore.

184: Xbox or ps3: xbox or ps4  xbox

183: Piggy banks are: really useful

 182: In my pockets: wallet, keys, phone, earbuds, black pen/pencil, earplugs, mini flashlight

 181: On my calendar:  i’m meeting a friend for smoothies tomorrow

 180: Marriage is: something we shouldn’t push so much onto people. it’s a declaration of love, not an end-all fix-all to your life. i can’t ever see myself getting married but who knows!

 179: Spongebob can: continue to be a relevant meme

178: My mom: i mean. we function. i can’t really complain about my family at large but i am defiantly looking forward to living literally as far away from them as i can. 

 177: The last three songs I bought were? psh, you think i pay for music? (folie a deux, lake effect kid, believers never die volume two) (those are albums but its okay)

176: Last YouTube video watched: I watched Markiplier play Uno

175: How many cousins do you have? 11? 12? I lost count

174: Do you have any siblings? I have a brother

 173: Are your parents divorced? Nope!

172: Are you taller than your mom? Yes, I have been for a while

171: Do you play an instrument? dude HECK yeah! i vibe on piano, guitar, ukulele, clarinet, and im a drum major

170: What did you do yesterday? I went on a drive by myself.

 [ I Believe In ] 

169: Love at first sight: Nope.

168: Luck: Yes, but luck is something that can be engineered

167: Fate: To an extent

 166: Yourself: I’d say overall, yeah. I still have doubts tho

165: Aliens: Mmmmmm yeah

 164: Heaven: Yes

163: Hell: Yes

162: God: Yeup

 161: Horoscopes: without an ounce of truth, they would have died a long time ago

160: Soul mates: the greeks had seven words for love. i think we have multiple soul mates to fit each of those categories. there are definitely people we’re just meant to vibe with

159: Ghosts: i want to say yes but i really dont know

158: Gay Marriage: yes. its 2020. grow up.

157: War: in theory? no. war is kinda messed up. in reality? not everyone is going to be down to nice diplomatic conflict resolution, and not everyone is just gonna leave people *countries* they don’t like alone, so...

156: Orbs: ??? energies are real

155: Magic: vibes are real

 [ This or That ]

 154: Hugs or Kisses: hugs

153: Drunk or High: i am a child of jesus

152: Phone or Online: online

 151: Red heads or Black haired:  irdc but black hair bc i am Emo

150: Blondes or Brunettes: blonde?? ig?? easier to dye

149: Hot or cold: hot weather + cold rooms

148: Summer or winter: summer

147: Autumn or Spring: autum (screw spring)

 146: Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla

145: Night or Day: night

 144: Oranges or Apples: oranges (better to share with homies)

 143: Curly or Straight hair: i dont care but curly

 142: McDonalds or Burger King: mcdonald give iced coffee

141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: dark chocolate

 140: Mac or PC: pc for vidgya gaemes

139: Flip flops or high heals: ...converse. please. i cant walk properly in either of those

 138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: sweet and poor 

 137: Coke or Pepsi: pepsi

136: Hillary or Obama: this is kinda outdated but obama

135: Burried or cremated: cremated i aint watch spn for nothin

134: Singing or Dancing: singing. at least that gets better with practice

133: Coach or Chanel: chanel (thank u mr frank ocean and also the neighborhood)

 132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: whomst

 131: Small town or Big city: big city and if you say small town you’ve never lived in a small town

 130: Wal-Mart or Target: target

 129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: who tf is this

 128: Manicure or Pedicure: idk dude probably pedicure i don’t like people touching my hands and i use them for too much to get my nails done

127: East Coast or West Coast: hnngggggggg west coast has more to do but east coast has better beaches and 

126: Your Birthday or Christmas: birthday 

125: Chocolate or Flowers: chocolate bc then i can give u some

124: Disney or Six Flags: ive only been to disney so disney (though i AM a HARDCORE rollercoaster stan so it wouldnt take much for me to say six flags)

123: Yankees or Red Sox: what 

 [ Here’s What I Think About ]

 122: War: unfortunately sometimes necessary but not as a first resort i went over this already 

 121: George Bush: is that the shoe guy?

 120: Gay Marriage:  be gay. do crime. kiss wife. or husband. or partner. basically, hell yeah

119: The presidential election: america need 2 b single and focus on herself

 118: Abortion: pro-choice and that choice should be made by the one carrying the baby

117: MySpace: tumblr’s dad

116: Reality TV: don’t talk to about abt this

 115: Parents: disgusting. go to therapy. 

114: Back stabbers: if you’re gonna stab me in the back, pull my lungs through my ribcage bc that’s what my ancestor’s ghosts are gonna do to you (thanks great (x a few times) grandma viking ily thanks for the hair:) )

113: Ebay: good for merch and selling books

 112: Facebook: zuck my dick, data-theif

111: Work: i like doing work? like- i enjoy completing tasks and seeing my hard work pay off? it’s not that bad?

110: My Neighbors: old. boring. want me to babysit for free.

109: Gas Prices: i cant really complain rn they’re kinda low and im a little broke so

108: Designer Clothes: i vibe to them, honestly

 107: College: not for everyone but definitely for me

106: Sports: marching band is a sport marching band is a sport marching band is a sport marching band is a sport marching band is a sport but only technically speaking though you can make fair comparisons to sports such as cheer, and gymnastics where the idea is to put on a show and receive a score in the form of competition. 

 105: My family: disgusting

104: The future: the future doesn’t exist

 [ Last time I ] 

103: Hugged someone: god, don’t ask me this

 102: Last time you ate: uhhh like 9 hours ago? it was dinner and i had pizza

 101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: three or four weeks ago by best bro came to visit and we vibed

100: Cried in front of someone: i finished twist and shout at school at the end of a very bad week. it was only a few tears but that’s as close as i get to crying

99: Went to a movie theater: whenever the last star wars movie came out

98: Took a vacation: last year i went to dc over summer break to see the Smithsonian, it was a lot of fun. i was supposed to go to altanta and florida this year but that didn’t happen for reasons

 97: Swam in a pool: last week

 96: Changed a diaper: never

 95: Got my nails done: never

 94: Went to a wedding: its been at least 6 years dude

93: Broke a bone: never, somehow

 92: Got a peircing: nope

91: Broke the law: technically, yesterday. 55 is too slow

90: Texted: just now

 [ MISC ] 

89: Who makes you laugh the most: the person in my snap named “junior”

88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my cat

87: The last movie I saw: probably into the spiderverse

86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: things going back to normal. or somewhat normal. i need school to have a schedule bc i absolutely cannot force myself to function without outside influence

 85: The thing im not looking forward to: ironically, school in the fall. the way we’re going back is going to wreck me more than lockdown already has

 84: People call me: i only ft one of my bros and they know who tf they are if you ask to ft you’re getting fuckin blocked mate i dont do that shit video calls are for WORK and SCHOOL thats IT. but ppl call me by my nickname irl, i go by screech on here. 

83: The most difficult thing to do is: listen to my parent’s political opinions? live in a small town? force myself to be productive without a physical influence and reminder? put up with that one dude?

82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: nope

 81: My zodiac sign is: scoprio/leo/gemini

80: The first person i talked to today was: the potential bassist for our potential band? 

79: First time you had a crush: uhh im still not sure if it was a crush but i wanted them to myself and they wanted (and got) someone better. we were just friends so it doesn’t really matter

 78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: the person on snap named “the great oracle”

77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: yesterday, it was my brother

 76: Right now I am talking to: in order of snap names, “vibin ~[^.^]~”, “russian umbrella”, and “mom” (not really)

75: What are you going to do when you grow up: hopefully, a job that makes me happy

74: I have/will get a job: as soon as i know what’s going on with school. but like as an adult? wherever will hire me and pay my fairly. being a barista would be fun, but at a local place (not in my current town)

73: Tomorrow: ???? time for bad poetry: tomorrow i will see my friend/ admist this lasting chaos/ we will be each other’s solitude/ while sharing fruity drinks/ and when we both come home/ a smile we will bring

72: Today: idk what this means so more poetry: today i will be sleep deprived as always/ i will think of them and weep/ but no tears will fall from my eyes/ for i know there is a reason/ we went our own way

 71: Next Summer: i fr dont know whats goin on so: next summer i will be/ as happy as can be/ because i will be in pain no longer/ the earth is sure to heal/ and i will heal with her/ so i can enjoy/ the heatwave of next summer

70: Next Weekend: next weekend i will spend/ my days wasting away/ maybe ill finish hannibal/ again/ not that serial killers make the dopamine stay/ i will not see my friends/ or talk to my family/ i will seldom eat/ and live off coffee/ this has been my life/ all quarintine/ god someone please help me

 69: I have these pets: i have four cats, three chickens, and a dog

 68: The worst sound in the world: my dad and grandpa talking

 67: The person that makes me cry the most is: Them

 66: People that make you happy: snap name time: the great oracle, junior, vibin ~[^.^]~, russian umbrella, mom, hero, booby-king 48, go to bed, son, pooper trooper, mac&cheese, plain egg biscuit, apple pie

 65: Last time I cried: i dont cry bitch (last week over officals that cant make up they gottdamned mindes)

64: My friends are: my family and i would die for each and all of them

 63: My computer is: an old hp but it play gaemes real good so it okie

 62: My School: is trash but the band pops off

61: My Car: old, fast, clean

60: I lose all respect for people who: are my dad

 59: The movie I cried at was: i cried over big hero six

 58: Your hair color is: blonde

57: TV shows you watch: supernatural, good omens, hannibal, parks and rec

56: Favorite web site: this hellsite or youtube

 55: Your dream vacation: out of the country with beautiful beaches, amazing food, and my best friend

54: The worst pain I was ever in was: the time i split the back of my head open, the time i split my chin open, and the time my then best friend said they didn’t want to talk to me anymore. i’ll let you guess which one hurt the most and which one i think about every fucking day

53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium or medium well. 

52: My room is: clean and a reflection of myself, or so i’ve been told

51: My favorite celebrity is: i do not engage in celebrity worship. ill follow them and reblog gifs/interviews but i dont really have a favorite. the less i know abt them the better.

 50: Where would you like to be: my own apartment in nyc

49: Do you want children: FUCK THEM KIDS BRO

 48: Ever been in love: i dont know if it was love. i dont know if it was a crush. what i do know id that i was attached and they didn’t feel the same, and why would they?

 47: Who’s your best friend: we dont really use best friend bc but “the great oracle” “junior” and “vibin ~[^.^]~”

46: More guy friends or girl friends: its 50/50

45: One thing that makes you feel great is: goin fast, the beach, playin video games

44: One person that you wish you could see right now: them

43: Do you have a 5 year plan: go to college, earn degree

 42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: commit arson

 41: Have you pre-named your children: FUCK. THEM. KIDS. BRO.

40: Last person I got mad at: they do not understand that they do not know everything about something they’re not even involved in yet

39: I would like to move to: new zealand

38: I wish I was a professional: artist? musican? youtuber? who knows

 [ My Favorites ] 

37: Candy: nerds

36: Vehicle: 1970 mustang gt

 35: President: jfk only bc his assassination is the only good thing abt american history the rest of it is fucked up and shouldn’t have happened. also jfk’s song in assassians the musical goes hard

34: State visited: california

 33: Cellphone provider: verizon? apple? idfk

32: Athlete: what is sport

31: Actor: i don't watch shows or movies

30: Actress: i do not consume media

29: Singer: alex gaskarth or alexander deleon

 28: Band: fall out boy 

 27: Clothing store: hot topic (i will not apologize)

 26: Grocery store: okay harris teeter fucks but lidil’s has aloe vera juice and target at 9 pm energy so idk man 

25: TV show: supernatural...

24: Movie: big hero 6

 23: Website: tumblr or youtube

 22: Animal: snow leopard 

 21: Theme park: busch gardens bc roller coaster go fast

20: Holiday: christmas

19: Sport to watch: snowboarding bc its like skateboarding but on snow

18: Sport to play: anything with havy footwork (marching band is a sport)

17: Magazine: i do not condume media

16: Book: the ranger’s apprentice series as a whole makes up my all-time one favorite book

 15: Day of the week: friday bc its game day baybey

14: Beach: cocoa beach in florida but also i have so much left to experience 

13: Concert attended: i havent been to any notable gigs but i was supposed to go to hella mega

 12: Thing to cook: pancakes

11: Food: pizza or shushi

 10: Restaurant: chiplote

 9: Radio station: i like my local rock station and my local edm/top 40 station

8: Yankee candle scent: anything smoky or vanilla idc

7: Perfume: chanel no. 5 if i even wear it

6: Flower: Hydrangea

5: Color: orange

 4: Talk show host: cecil palmer

 3: Comedian: john maulaney

 2: Dog breed: yes

1: Did you answer all these truthfully? ;)

That was a trip. But it was fun, please do things like this more often. Also, I don’t consume media by choice. I’m not sheltered I just can’t be bothered, and I have enough going on. That being said I will now be sleeping. Thanks again, Anon, I hope you have fun reading this :D

[seriouslyhooked]

Lost Souls and Reveries (Part 16)

22 part AU written for @cssns​. Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6,Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15. Story available on AO3 Here and FF Here. Banner created by the amazingly talented @shipsxahoy​!!

Killian Jones is a wolf shifter without roots, without plans, and without a pack. He’s a rogue, someone humans should avoid and shifters should be wary of given his lineage. But one night years back set him on a path he didn’t realize he was taking, a path leading to a future he is destined for. That future is tied up in one woman – a human named Emma Nolan. Together Emma and Killian will find not only answers, but a love that’s truly fated. But will love be enough to set them free, or will past demons win out in the end? (Answer: love always wins – I am writing this so despite some tiny pockets of angst it’s basically a fluff-filled insta-love fest). Rated M.

A/N: Hey everyone! So we are back after the LONGEST time away I have ever had from fic writing since I started way back when. I know it was such a long break, and so many of you have reached out to see if I am still in this, but I never forgot this story. I just had to pass the hardest year of school ever to get back to my CS happy place! There is so much going on in this story right now, so many pieces that need tying together or resolution on, and in this chapter we are moving full steam ahead (but since it’s been a while you might want to go back and refresh on where we left off before). There’s finally a meeting that so many have you have been waiting for and there’s love, loss, and so many other emotions too… but I won’t spoil much more than that. You’ll just have to read and then let me know what you think! Anyway thank you all so much for continuing to follow along in this story with me. Hope you enjoy!

“Okay, so I know that technically I can do more than make flowers grow, but I have to be honest… this is so freaking cool, I never want to stop!”

The excitement exuding from Anna this afternoon as she and Elsa worked on some magical ‘training’ with Ruby was undeniable. Emma couldn’t blame Anna for that elation either, not when she was watching her friend do something remarkable and almost unbelievable. The beautiful garden that had been here just a few hours ago was now totally over grown, with so many more flowers than there had been before. The colors of their petals were also now touched with an ethereal element. They seemed to glow, and to radiate this precious golden light from within. The veins of each leaf swirled in a pronounced and gorgeous way, and these plants were simply bursting with life and energy and magic.

Over the past three days Anna and Elsa had been doing their best to make progress in their ability to wield their family gift. This had been a fatiguing process, with Ruby having to start from very basic places. There were rules, it turned out, about how to cast spells and use magic safely. One had to remember all of these steps to make sure no one got hurt, and though at times Anna was a little hyper active or distractible, Emma had never seen her friend more studious and focused. She was determined to access her magic and do everything she could with it, and that determination was bringing her leaps and bounds in a very short time. In fact, Ruby was so confident in Anna’s ability to test her gifts and to remember to follow the laws of magic that she’d given her free time to just explore what she could do, thus this impromptu garden party of sorts.

“It’s amazing, Anna. How does it feel?” Emma asked, having a sense herself as she felt the warm and subtle kiss of the magic in the air around them. Emma felt rejuvenated and calmed all at once by this magical display, so she could only imagine what casting the spells that made this possible felt like.

“It feels like…” Anna closed her eyes, taking a deep breath and soaking in the joy around her, and when she opened her eyes they were filled with emotion and a thoughtful quality that spoke to real happiness. “It feels like getting to lick the spoon when Grams makes cookies, or the first beach day with Mom and Dad every summer.”

“That good?” Emma asked, less as a question and more as a statement of awe and true joy for her friend.

“That good,” Anna agreed, her smile growing as her eyes cast around at all she’d created over the past few hours. But eventually her gaze turned back to the house and some of that happiness dimmed. It wasn’t fully gone, but now there was a little bit of sadness in the midst of all this celebration. “I only wish that Elsa felt this way too.”

“She’ll get there,” Emma promised, though she didn’t have visions of the future to check that that was true. All she had was a thorough understanding of her other best friend, and faith that soon the pieces would fall as surely into place for Elsa as they had for her sister. “You two are never far apart for long.”

“And where we go you usually follow,” Anna joked, making Emma laugh even though this time that couldn’t be the case.

“Unless you know of some mystical waters or whatever the heck sparked magical people years ago, where I could get a gift like yours, I’m not sure that’ll be happening this time. I think the flowers only have one new overlord to answer to.”

“Well of course your magic won’t be the same,” Anna said, like this whole conversation was so totally obvious. “But being a shifter? I mean come on, that’s arguably the coolest magic of all. You’ll get to turn into a wolf for crying out loud!”

At the mention of her suppressed shifter status Emma’s heart jumped. That seemed to be a recurring thing since her grandmother had turned up and dropped the bomb of all bombs. Well honestly, maybe the biggest reveal had been the fact that her grandmother was even alive at all, but looking past the magic that was required for all of this to be real, and the heartbreak of the years that Ruth and her Dad had been apart, the reality that there was shifter blood running through Emma’s veins was surreal.

Being a hybrid, even if her ability was currently blocked, changed so much about what Emma knew of herself. It was a blessing and a curse in so many ways. On the one hand Emma was glad to have some things make more sense. The white wolf in her dreams all those years ago and that feeling that not everything was as it should be now made sense, but at the same time there was no guarantee that Elsa could even remove the block in Emma’s spirit as she had for Neal.

Currently Elsa was trying to access those memories with Ruby, but it was slow going. And even if Elsa could recreate the spell, Emma had to think about if that’s what she wanted. It would no doubt be dangerous, and no one actually knew what happened when human/shifter hybrids came of age. She would be the first one as far as they all knew and she was so out of touch with her animal Emma didn’t even realize it was there when she was awake. So how could she ever expect to be a good shifter? How could she hope to learn all that needed to be learned? What if in the end she wasn’t meant to be one? What if -

“Uh oh, and there you go again, over thinking things,” Anna said, bringing Emma’s attention back to the real world. Anna’s hand was now on her hip and she shook her head in an almost chastising way. “You’ve got to stop doing that, Ems. Elsa is going to figure this out, she’s going to find a way to safely lift the block, and then you are going to finally be all you were meant to be.”

Emma didn’t want to argue with her friend, but suffice it to say she wasn’t as convinced. Anna made it sound so simple, but in Emma’s mind it wasn’t. What she had right now was brilliant. Her life was full and happy. She had her family and her friends, and she had a true love, her fated mate, a man who made her experience love in the most blissful of ways. She didn’t want to risk any of that, and she didn’t want to go off hoping for more when what she had right now was more than enough. No one should be this lucky, despite the continued unrest that waiting for Liam was bringing, and Emma didn’t want to jinx things by feeling entitled to being a shifter too.

“It’s like me and my magic, Emma. When we found out, I was excited but I was also really scared. I kept thinking that everyone was wrong. There had to be a mistake, because it wasn’t me who was special it was Elsa.”

“Anna,” Emma said, her earnestness showing through in her tone. “Elsa might be special but so are you. You deserve your magic just as much as she deserves hers.”

“I know that, Emma, I do, but even if I know that, there’s still that voice in my head that doesn’t want to hear it, and I bet it sounds a lot like the one you have telling you that you’re not ready to be or worthy of being a shifter.”

Anna came over and took Emma’s hand in hers in a sign of solidarity. She was right, after all. Those negative thoughts did seem to be something they shared, and though she was nervous, Emma craved the chance to overcome hers just as Anna had.

“So how did you get over it?” Emma asked and Anna laughed.

“I didn’t. It’s still there sometimes, but I just have to tell it to shut up. Fear doesn’t want you to hope for good things, Emma. It wants you to limit yourself and deprive yourself of things that could be great just because they also could be scary. You can either cave to it or you can overcome it, and not so deep down you know that. And you know how I know that you know?  Because you, Emma Nolan, are one of the bravest people I have ever met.”

Emma’s throat tightened at the words, and she could feel her friend’s own emotion starting to get the better of her. Anna’s feelings freely flowed in the air around them just as they always did. She was not the kind of person to stifle her reactions. Instead, she spoke the truth as she saw at, blowing Emma away as she did.

“There’s no one else who faces a crisis like you, Emma. You stay steady, even when everyone else breaks. You did it when we were kids and small scale things happened, like when the Heller boys decided to start bullying Elsa, or when someone had to scale the McNealy’s fence to get our ball back.”

Emma barked out a laugh, thinking about old Mr. McNealy and how he used to scare them senseless as kids. Now they knew he was just a curmudgeonly old guy, but back then he seemed like a real monster.

“And you did it when everything was happening with Neal. You had to take on so much far too soon, and you did it unflinchingly for your brother and for your parents. Then, when we lost Grams, and then lost Mom and Dad so soon after, you were there for us too. Night and day, no matter what, you were our rock. As much as Elsa and I pulled ourselves together, you were right there with us, and you never questioned it. It’s always a given to you that you’ll help everyone you love and anyone you meet.”

“Well when you put it like that…” Emma said, attempting some humor even though her voice was thick with emotion. She was touched at Anna’s words, and it came to a head when her friend pulled her in for a hug. The tears pooling in her eyes fell at that point, quietly but undeniable, and she had to wipe them away as she pulled back. “Thanks, Anna. And just for the record, I don’t think I have that calm in the storm thing all to myself.”

“I know. It was a great pep talk wasn’t it?” Anna asked, prompting more laughter between the friends that continued until some rustling came from the hedgerow and Elsa and Ruby appeared.

“Seems like you two are having fun,” Elsa said, her eyes softening immediately as she saw Emma and Anna. There was still stress there, but Emma could see that Elsa felt better being back in their company.

“Well there’s plenty to go around,” Anna joked, flicking her wrist and launching an ivy vine up into the air and having it rustle against Elsa’s braided hair. “Unless you guys still have work to do. It’s kind of been a lot for one day, don’t you think?”

“About that… we’ve got some good news and some not so good news,” Ruby announced, her hands waving along as she talked, a trait Emma knew she and Killian shared when they were catching other people up to speed. “The good news is that we were able to access Elsa’s memory of when she helped Neal.”

“So you saw the spell?” Emma asked, looking between Ruby and Elsa. A chill zipped through her at their faces, because despite the breakthrough, neither of them seemed super enthusiastic.

“We did,” Ruby continued. “Turns out Elsa did the impossible – she literally removed Neal’s two souls from his body to blend them back together.”

“Removed them... wait, like killed him?” Emma asked, shocked, and Elsa looked so stricken as she quickly explained.

“I didn’t kill him. It was just a few seconds. It happened really quickly. He just went to sleep for a second, that’s all.”

“But technically without a soul a person is dead,” Ruby supplied. “And if they’re not, we’re entering vampire territory.”

“Vampires?!”  The question was yelled out not just by Emma, but Anna and Elsa as well, and Ruby winced in response.

“Sorry, bad joke. Vampires aren’t actually a thing. But then again removing souls from a body wasn’t supposed to be a thing either. So at this point…” Her continued attempt at light heartedness petered off as Ruby shrugged.

“But you can do it,” Emma said, looking to Elsa and her friend nodded.

“Apparently I can. I had no idea what I was doing then, and I can’t find anything in my family’s archives. It’s a mystery.”

“Would you even be able to do it again?” Anna asked and Emma fully expected Elsa to say that she couldn’t, but for the first time Elsa looked certain as she nodded.

“Yes. I can do it.”

“Maybe,” Ruby stressed. “She can maybe recreate a miracle a second time, but I have to be honest guys, this is not magic I know how to wield. It’s a real risk. Anything could go wrong. Your souls could react badly, they could not blend, they could reject any kind of intervention at all, and if they did…”

“If they did, I could die.”

There was no need to say anything else on the matter for a moment. The four of them allowed Emma’s observation to hang in the air, sinking in in a sickening way. Life and death situations were something Emma had faced before, but she’d never willingly put herself in a dangerous way. To do so now would either be incredibly foolish or impossibly brave, and Emma wasn’t sure where she stood yet on that. On the one hand, she could be taking a huge risk only to lose everything she now held so dearly. On the other, this could be the answer to that last missing piece of the puzzle that was her life. Plus it would help not only her, but Neal as well who was going to be facing his first shift just a few more years from now.

“Whatever you decide, Emma, there’s no need to rush,” Anna said, finally breaking the silence that had fallen as she touched Emma’s arm in a reassuring motion. “It’s not like Elsa is going anywhere. We’ve got time to see what you might want.”

“Exactly,” Ruby said with a firm nod. “This isn’t the kind of thing we should be too hasty about. Let’s just tackle one thing at a time. Liam will be arriving any day now. Let’s climb that mountain before staring down another.”

The four of them agreed this was a good place to leave things, and Emma was relieved. Crazy that the impending arrival of Killian’s unknowable brother was of relief to her now when for days it had been so anxiety inducing. But for some reason, that felt like a battle that could be won. For this moment she was part of a team, it was her and Killian and her friends and family. She felt like anything could be accomplished as long as they were together, and she genuinely had hope in her heart that things weren’t as hopeless with Liam as Killian believed. But trying to heal her block… well that would just be her and Elsa trying to do something they had no real clue how to do, and that was scary as hell.

“Ruby, what’s wrong?”

Elsa’s sudden question prompted Emma to look to her new friend, immediately feeling a pang of anxiety again. Ruby was overly alert, and Emma had seen that kind of posturing before from Killian when he thought she was in trouble.

“We’ve got company.”

“Liam?” Emma and Elsa asked at the same time and Ruby shook her head.

“No. I think I’d sense if it were Liam. No I just heard something. In the woods back there.”

The three friends turned to follow Ruby’s gaze, but Emma was shocked when Ruby moved forward towards the sound. She told them to stay back and she’d figure it out, but just as she moved out of sight, Emma, Elsa, and Anna heard a throaty chuckle that came from the opposite direction. They jumped in surprise and whipped their attention over and then Emma and her friends sighed aloud in relief.

“Graham, was that you?” Emma asked, and their town Sherriff grinned.

“Maybe.”

“It was him,” Anna said with an eye roll. “Well I hope you’re happy. You scared five years off my life. Not cool Graham.”

“Ruby it’s okay you can come out!” Emma called. “It’s just Graham. He’s harmless.”

“Oh you wound me, Emma. I like to think I could do some…”

Whatever words Graham was going to say trailed away as his eyes looked past Emma and back to the tree line. Without even having to peer over, Emma knew what he was staring at, or rather who he was staring at. The only person in that direction was Ruby and from Graham’s expression, this was more than a strictly ‘she’s hot’ reaction. Emma flipped her gaze to her new friend and sure enough, Ruby looked just as struck silly as Graham did.

“Ooh, look it’s happening again!” Anna whispered whisper-yelled gleefully. “Love struck, the two of them. It’s like Emma and Killian 2.0. I bet you guys a month of diner lunches that they’re fated mates too.”

Both Emma and Elsa refused to take the bet, instead watching (with totally no chill and no attempt at giving Graham and Ruby privacy) as the two shifters moved toward each other. Emma wondered what it must be like for them, but she had some idea. Killian had detailed to her what it felt like to be confronted with one’s other half if you were a shifter. Everything shifted focus and all of a person’s senses were heightened and needy. It was an instant force of lust and want and adoration. It was really love at first sight, and for most shifters it was just understood. There was no need for small talk or getting to know each other. Nature chose your perfect match, and time would prove that to be true.

Because she knew this, it didn’t surprise Emma when Graham took Ruby’s hand in his and when his other hand came to cup her cheek. They were so close, eyes flashing a wolf’s color and they looked just a split second away from forgetting themselves entirely and making out or doing more. Surprisingly though, words did come, and though Emma and Elsa and Anna were totally forgotten, Ruby did seem to have the sense to ask some critical questions.

“But how did I… there’s no trace of you in town. I should have known about this - known about you.”

“Oh trust me, babe, Tink is going to be hearing quite an earful from me about this.”

“Babe?” Emma whispered to Elsa and Anna, half shocked at the word choice and half uncomfortable. In all her years of knowing Graham he had never, ever, called anyone anything like that before.

“Tink?” Ruby asked, and Emma was really curious now about what having a mate meant for Ruby. There was a chance she was so overwhelmed with Graham that she wasn’t able to tap into her gifts, but this seemed like a relatively straightforward vision. Also, Emma was like ninety five percent sure Tink had been mentioned more than once.

“Girl, she is so gone for him,” Anna said gleefully. “Oh! We should make popcorn!”

“Uh no,” Emma and Elsa said at the same time before Elsa continued on. “If anything we should leave them be. It’s only a matter of time before they start going at it, and we don’t need to be anywhere near seeing that.”

Emma laughed at Elsa’s claims as Anna feigned a sigh. Obviously she wasn’t interested in spying on the intimate moments of two new mates, but Anna really did love love, and Emma knew her friend was hoping for more cuteness before any impending sexy times. But whatever any of them were expecting, it likely wasn’t what happened next. One second Ruby and Graham looked poised to run off together, and the next Ruby’s features changed and her eyes went hazy. It only lasted a moment but she jumped when it was over and she looked to be in actual pain. Graham moved with her, and though Ruby was still alarmed, Emma could see the slightest bit of comfort come form Graham still being there. Still it wasn’t enough to fully calm her, and what Ruby declared next sent ice rushing through Emma’s veins.

“He’s here. Liam’s here, and he just found Killian.”

Shit!

………………………………..

At times like this it was difficult for Killian to know if pacing was a product of habit or an animalistic urge.

There was evidence enough to suggest it could be his animal. Wolves were known for patrolling when they were contained, agitated, or ready to fight, but as the morning light shifted to a mid-day warmth, Killian’s pacing felt like more than that. True, he felt a little held captive; the anxiety of what was coming was getting to him and there might indeed be reason to fight. But this motion right now, this back and forth route in front of his new Storybrooke home, wasn’t caused by his brother or an impending battle: it was caused by a desire so strong it was starting to control him.

As the days passed by, Killian’s love for Emma only grew. Despite the full moon being long gone by now, he felt this continuing clawing need to be near his mate. It was difficult for him to be away from her, and it was damn near impossible when there was a threat not too far off. In fact, the only thing keeping him sane right now was that she was protected and surrounded by other people who loved her. Ruby was a more than capable shifter who had made it very clear that she considered Emma family in the realest kind of way, and with her visions she should see any danger for Emma before it got here. They had been spotty as of late, with larger blind spots than she was used to, but both Killian and Ruby were certain that when the time for Liam’s arrival actually came, Ruby would know of it. That, coupled with Anna and Elsa’s new gifts, was enough to keep Killian from trailing Emma all afternoon and trying to protect her himself.

The fierceness of his need to see Emma safe was one of the strongest things he’d ever experienced, second only to his love for her, and carrying around such immensity of emotion made Killian eager to shift and to run and howl. He’d allowed himself the first two so far this morning already, but eventually he’d been called back to human form and to the house again. Connecting with his wolf right now just didn’t seem to hold all of the power that it once did for his peace of mind, and Killian was relatively certain he knew why. For underneath all of that protective instinct, and beyond the anticipation of seeing his brother again, there was something else clawing at Killian, something he wanted to do so badly but kept having to keep himself in check over.

Opening the small black box that held a symbol of his hopes for he and Emma, Killian looked down again at his grandmother’s ring, his eyes catching the way the precious gem sparkled in the light. It looked just the same as it always had, a classic and beautiful ornament, now fitted to Emma to perfection, and designed to show the world how tied up they were together. It was a testament to love, a symbol that, if she said yes, the two of them would be wed. And even though he knew that’s what Emma wanted, seeing as she’d already agreed to be his mate, it still made his heart sputter in his chest to think of asking her. He knew that he wanted that moment to be perfect. Emma deserved everything from flowers to candlelight. She deserved ambiance and the undeniable truth that he loved her more than anything. She deserved a story, one they could tell forever and look back at with pride. But even though he knew what should be done, it was killing Killian not to just do this now. He hated waiting. His patience was all but fried, and every day that he spent not working towards that forever with Emma hurt him more than he could say.

But here was where it all came back full circle. Because the reality was he couldn’t create that moment. He couldn’t give Emma those things when he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. All of them were anticipating the arrival of his brother and the showdown that would come, and until that was faced and dealt with Killian couldn’t do what he wanted most. It would be too selfish on his part, and he already had regrets about how things had gone with Emma already. Not their being together surely, for he could regret nothing about having Emma in his life and in his heart. But he wished that things could have been a little less harried. Emma was strong and determined. She would stand tall through whatever storm came their way, but he wished she didn’t have to. That essence of normalcy that she was craving? Truth was he craved it too. If they could just have a little bit of peace and quiet to enjoy all that they’d found it would be miraculous. But it seemed too much to ask the universe to have such a brilliant mate and a bit of time to truly enjoy his good fortune.

You’re going to wear a patch in the grass, Killian.

He heard the words in his head and they were said with the loving chastisement that only his mother had ever truly been able to capture. He closed his eyes and stopped, inhaling the fresh air around him and breathing out again. It was rare for him to do this anymore, to hear his mother’s voice as he went about his life. He’d shut off the part that was open to her and her goodness so long ago. When he trained to confront his father, he stifled that old connection. He shut down the little voice inside his head that reminded him what was good and right. But since he’d found Emma and tried to separate himself from that old life of revenge, he was more and more susceptible to it again. That susceptibility was both beautiful and painful. On the one hand he swore he could hear his mom right now. He could picture her in his minds’ eye shaking her head at him with a smile at her lips. But he knew when he opened her eyes she wouldn’t be here. There would just be more waiting and more agonizing over what was next.

“Bloody hell, Liam, I wish you would just get here already and be done with it.”

The words were gruff as he spoke them aloud, nearly yelling with the ferocity of his agitation. He kept his eyes closed and tried to center himself again, but before he could a voice by the tree line responded to him.

“Wish granted.”

Careful not to make any sudden movements, Killian pivoted to where he heard his brother’s voice and looked at him for the first time in so many years, seeing that it was in fact Liam there, and not just some figment of his imagination.

A few seconds passed where Killian allowed himself to take his brother in, and though he was surprised at how clean cut and together Liam still seemed to be, he didn’t let any of that show. If this reunion was going to be anything like last time then he was in for a hell of a fight, but there was a real need for Killian to control himself. Even on the night he was first infected, the bite had made it so Liam was out of control and unable to resist his baser urges. To counteract that, Killian had to be smart. It was the only way to handle this and to see that he, Emma, and the rest of their friends and family were okay. Still, looking at Liam now was like a stab to the heart, for though all this time had passed, he still looked as he always had, and Killian swore he saw a mix of sadness and also love in his brother’s eyes, despite everything.

“It’s been a long time, little brother,” Liam said, filling the space between them with words that were charged in a way Killian couldn’t understand. There was no anger there. No resentment. Just longing and a little bit of pain. “You look different.”

“I am different,” Killian replied. His muscles flexed slightly, and though he hoped to hide it from Liam, Killian watched as his brother tracked the movement. Liam didn’t reply in kind though, instead siding with continued conversation as he moved a bit closer.

“Ah yes. A mate’s love will do that, or at least that’s what they tell me.”

Now Killian couldn’t help tensing up.  He didn’t like it at all that his brother had mentioned Emma, even in the abstract. It was too close for comfort, but when Killian let out a low growl, Liam only laughed. It was a barked out sound, one that made it seem like Liam hadn’t had cause to laugh in a long time, but it calmed something inside of Killian. It wasn’t threatening. If anything, Liam seemed to be enjoying himself. That was unexpected, but it didn’t feel aggressive and that was something to be grateful for.

“Relax, brother. I didn’t come here for her.”

“Then why did you come?” Killian asked, wanting to believe Liam, but knowing that the bite would change any man and that it had already started to change Liam years ago.

“So it’s like that then,” Liam sighed. “Straight to the point. No conversation after all this time? No soft landing?”

“Why bother putting it off? You’re here, and we both know why.”

“I’m not so sure we do,” Liam replied thoughtfully. “I’ve thought of this moment every day since that night. I thought of what I’d say when I saw you again, and damn if I can bring myself to say any of that now. It all seems… not enough.”

“Well why don’t we start with the basics. This control you’re displaying. Is that… permanent?”

“Much as I might like to say yes, I can’t do that. For all my flaws, lying is something I still can’t abide by.”

Killian’s stomach fell at the confession from his brother. It was confusing to say the least, because on the one hand Liam didn’t seem to be doing anything that would signal that he or his wolf wanted to fight. There was no display of dominance, no call to contest. To Killian that signaled that maybe Emma’s more wishful thinking was right. Perhaps Liam was here to make amends and to make things right, as crazy as that seemed, but confessing that he wasn’t actually in control scared Killian. He’d seen the flip switched in his brother before. It was terrible to behold and if Liam couldn’t stop it then it was only a matter of time before Killian bore witness to that beast again.

“So the sickness. You haven’t cured it?”

“No,” Liam replied, his acceptance of his condition heart wrenching to hear. “I am what I am now. A monster, a beast, an abomination: you can call me whatever you like, but the curse remains.”

Killian allowed that truth he already knew to soak in. Again he’d been hopeful, and again his hope was thwarted. Of course Liam was still burdened with this blackness. There was no escaping it, but still it killed Killian to hear it. Listening to his brother berating himself, calling himself a monster – a beast – it was terrible, and yet Killian couldn’t contradict him. He knew nothing of Liam anymore. He knew the man he had been, but what was to say that man truly remained? He appeared to be here, but appearances weren’t enough to build trust on. They couldn’t be, not when the stakes were so high.

“You never were good at covering your emotions, brother,” Liam said witfully, his eyes studying Killian intently. “I can see it all practically jumping off of you. Love. Wariness. Sadness. Fear. Crazy you stayed hidden all these years. You’d think so much energy would be easier to track.”

The mention of tracking put Killian on alert again. There was the reminder he needed that this wasn’t a one off. Liam wasn’t here for a casual visit. He’d been hunting for Killian for years and Killian had known it. He’d lived off the grid as much as he could. He never built a life, never had roots. Hell, he never had dreams of any kind for years and years to stay ahead of that search. His life had been hellish, and that hell was in no small part because there was always the threat of Liam just waiting to take him down.

“What can I say? Ruby’s a powerful witch.”

“Ah she always was. Little Red,” Liam said with another strange laugh. “Remember when we called her that as kids? God she hated that.”

Killian was thrown by the tenderness Liam displayed for Ruby. This whole exchange was honestly giving him whiplash. One moment his brother was kind and trying to connect, the next he was poking Killian with the reminders of the threat he posed. It was confounding and confusing, and it made the wolf inside scratch at the surface, trying to fight this out instead of lingering in whatever strange game Liam was playing here.

“Ruby isn’t the reason you came either. So let’s get on with it. Why are you here, Liam?”

“I’m here because I have to be. We had to meet again. You made sure of it that night.”

“I spared you that night, Liam. I…” Killian trailed off before reiterating the thought, because honestly he wasn’t so sure that’s what he’d done. Had he spared Liam? Or had he just damned his brother to so many more years of this descent into madness?

“You made a choice, a choice that speaks to who you are, brother. You could have killed me, but you didn’t. You couldn’t. It could have all been over. You could have been free, but instead you chose another path. This path, and now we have to face it.”

The ominous words hung in the field between them and Killian didn’t know what to say. Liam was right after all, at least in a way. He hadn’t been capable of killing Liam. There just wasn’t that option, and because of that there had been the risk and that sinking sensation that followed Killian all these years that they’d meet again. But while his brother was resigned and yet also strangely unreadable, Killian was resolute. Things wouldn’t end the same way twice. There were too many other people who needed protecting, and too much more to live for now than there had been years ago.

“I’m sorry, Killian. I’m sorry for that night, and for any night you’ve faced since that you worried about me. I’m more sorry than you can ever imagine. I would have done anything to spare you that.”

Wait… what?

“You’re sorry,” Killian repeated, his mind reeling from the truth he heard in Liam’s out of the blue words. “But you’ve come here to kill me.”

“So you keep suggesting,” Liam replied, his eyes taking on a little humor again.

“And what are you suggesting, Liam? I realize this is all some big game to you, but frankly I don’t want to play. I never did, so if you’ve come to fight me, fight me.”

“You know I thought this would be different, our last time together,” Liam said, his voice a wistful whisper, as it sailed across the breeze to Killian’s ears. “I should have known, even if I hoped for something more. But let me cut to the chase. I came to -,”

The snap of a branch in the woods very close to them claimed both brothers’ attention, and when Killian saw it was Tink his feelings were mixed. There was relief, but also dread. He couldn’t exactly explain why, but the reason would show itself soon enough.

“I caught a new scent in town and thought you might need backup,” Tink said, but her usual confidence was cowed in an instant when a fierce growl sounded out so loudly that it shook the ground around them.

Killian whipped his head back to look at his brother, but Liam was gone and all that remained was the beast in man’s clothing. His eyes were like coal, his face was snarled, his stance was poised for shifting. He heaved for breath, his anger rolling off of him, and just like that the nightmare Killian had been reliving for years was with him once more. Whatever had just occurred was over. The talking was done, the dancing was finished, and now it was time to face this twisted fate once and for all...

Post-Note: Okay I know I know I left this on a cliffhanger and I am terrible! BUT I have some pretty great news – the next chapter of this story is already mostly written and I will be posting it sometime in the next week! I should probably space it out more since the rest of the chapters aren’t completed yet, but trust me – you will all want to see the conclusion of what happens between Killian and Liam.  Anyway thank you all so much for your patience and your continued support. Hope you’re all doing well, and hope you’ll tune in next time!

Tag list: @jennjenn615 @kmomof4 @winterbaby89 @teamhook @ultraluckycatnd @resident-of-storybrooke @coliferoncer @artistic-writer @snowbellewells @eastside-divebar @snarkycaptainswan4 @allofdafandoms-blog

[distant-rose]

Seal of Fate Ch. 3 (4/8)

Notes: Alright before anyone of you read this chapter, I feel the need to remind you that Emma Swan is not a bitch. Emma Swan is an amazing character with some flaws and whose life has been filled with all sorts of trauma. She has trust issues and most certainly PTSD. If you think someone with that background is going to have no issue trusting people, especially a magical seal man whom she’s known for like two weeks, without some issue then this story isn’t for you. This is a kind reminder that the canon events of Emma being abandoned, put in foster care and being pregnant with Henry in prison after the bullshit Neal pulled with her when she was 17 years old are canon in the Seal of Fate universe. So, with that being said, this chapter is mainly about Emma’s trauma and how it’s lead to her having a lot of trust issues. Do not come into my comments section and tell me that Emma Swan is a bitch for pushing away a seal man who she met two weeks ago. I will fight you. End of story. With that being said, there will be pay off for all the angst, anger and frustration here in the next chapter. I promise. I’m not pulling the rug out from underneath you. A special thanks to @aerica13​ for being an amazing beta and for pushing me through this difficult chapter. I literally couldn’t have done with this without you. Thank you to @cssns​ and @drowned-dreamer​ for making my event experience so far amazing. Another big thank you to @katie-dub​ and @shireness-says​ for being my cheerleaders. Even though this story isn’t attracting a lot of traffic and it’s been a bit demoralizing, you make every word of this story worth it. Summary: Emma Swan is looking for only one thing - answers. Abandoned outside a police station in Menemsha, Martha’s Vineyard, Emma has dedicated her life to finding out where she comes from and why she was given away. She finds an unlikely partner in Killian, a selkie she inadvertently summons in a fit of frustration over her cold case. Word Count: 4,600+ AO3: [LINK] Chapters: Prologue | One | Two | Three | Four | Five | Six | Epilogue Rating: T+

Emma Swan’s life was regulated by series of long, self-imposed rules. She always filled her gas tank whenever she hit the quarter ‘til empty mark. She didn’t trust food that didn’t come prepackaged. She always wore bike shorts under her dresses because of that punk kid in her fifth group home that skirted her. On top of that proverbial list of rules, written in bold red ink and underlined three times, was that Emma Swan did not ever, under any circumstances, sleep with men.

She didn’t sleep with men. Period.

Well, she slept with men but a purely utilitarian fuck-and-run way that satisfied occasional itches and abated the loneliness for awhile. She didn’t spend the night and she absolutely did not cuddle. Those sort of things led to issues. It meant conversations that were best not had. It meant being completely vulnerable with someone who was more likely than not a stranger she picked up in a bar.

Hence why she went into a full meltdown mode when she awoke the next morning still on the beach, sand in her pants and Killian curled around her like a clingy octopus. The very sight of him drooling on her shoulder sent off vaguely Kill Bill sounding sirens in her head.

So Emma did what she did best.

She ran.

And she didn’t look back. Not even for her shoes.

She went back into her house, grabbed her cell phone and keys, then got in the Bug and drove all the way to Oak Bluffs. Never before had Emma been so happy with the lack of a real police force on the island because she was sure to be have been pulled over with how fast she drove. The drive had been tense. She hadn’t been able to relax and no amount of tinkering with the radio assuaged her chaotic thoughts.

Killian was getting under her skin. He had been barely been in her life for more than two weeks but he had already gotten closer to her than anyone had in the past decade. It was something she needed to rectify and fast.

“He’s going to leave,” she mumbled to herself, slapping her hands against the steering wheel. “Once this is over, he’s going to leave and everything is going to go back to normal.”

The switch from West Tisbury to Oak Bluffs was a noticeable one. Where Chilmark blended in the West Tisbury almost seamlessly with the long line of white oak trees and the overgrown shrubbery that guided the poorly paved roads, the boundary leading to Oak Bluffs was noticeably more populated with houses and stores. The Cape Cod style that dominated Menemsha and Chilmark wasn’t so common and Emma was surprised to see some of the buildings actually looked like they had been built after 1970. Where the majority of the houses Emma had previously encountered tended to stick to the gray scale, these buildings were flamboyant shades of flamingo pink, soft orange and lime green. They reminded her of the elaborate gingerbread houses she had seen in the windows of bakeries as a child. It was fresh and new side to the island that she not yet explored and she allowed her curiosity to overtake the anxious energy that had dominated her mind since she had awoke.

As she got further into town, the scenery became more settled and more urban in its demeanor. If it weren’t for the occasional gingerbread house, she wouldn’t have known that she was still stuck in the Vineyard. It felt good be somewhat back in civilisation again.

It wasn’t until she was washing up in the bathroom of the infamous Black Dog bakery that she finally took notice of her unkempt appearance. She had mascara lines running down her cheeks, her hair looked like a rat’s nest and her clothes were rumpled. No wonder the cashier had given her an odd look when she had bought a bear claw. She looked like hell.

After running her fingers through her hair and washing her face, Emma tried to make herself look somewhat presentable. Her attempts were met with limited success but there was only so much that she could do given the circumstances.

As she walked over to the hospital, she couldn’t help but feel bereft. Over the past week and half, she had gotten used to Killian’s persistent commentary and suggestions on how to proceed. His absence sat heavy in her chest, pressing down on her ribs like a stone.

She didn’t want to but Emma couldn’t help how much she missed him. The realisation made her angry. She hated herself for growing so fond and so dependent on his company. He was merely a temporary fixture in her life, just like everyone else.

She didn’t need him and was probably better off without his help anyway.

The thought became a mantra, a mental war cry, as she straightened out her shoulders and walked towards the reception desk with the same dread and determination of a gladiator entering an battle arena.

The receptionist was a surly looking woman who eyed her with an expression that made it clear she was less than impressed with Emma’s appearance.

“This isn’t a recovery center. If you’re looking for one, you’ll have to take the ferry over to Hyannis. There’s a pamphlet for it on your left.”

Emma bristled at the comment, self consciously smoothing over the wrinkles in her shirt.

“My name is Emma Swan, I’m private investigator. I was hoping to look at your birth records.”

“No.”

“What?”

“I said no,” she repeated, this time with a hint of an edge to voice.

Emma sighed, fishing out her wallet and handing over her identification and investigator’s permit. The woman didn’t even in look at them, merely looked up at her with the same disapproving scowl.

“That’s my private investigator’s licens-” “I know what it is,” the woman cut her off. “If it’s not a court ordered document, I’m not letting you look at our database. I don’t know if you’re aware, Little Miss Investigator, but there is such a thing called HIPAA which means those documents are protected.”

“HIPAA does not cover birth and death certificates,” Emma replied through gritted teeth. “Those are a matter of public record.”

“Oh goody,” the woman replied in a sarcastic tone, “then go bother the Registry of Vital Records like everyone else.”

“I can’t do that. I don’t know exactly the specific person I’m looking for. Only that I’m looking for a female born in October 1983. This is related to a police investigation of an abandoned child out in Memensha.”

“You’re wasting your time,” she snorted. “The police probably looked at it in the 80s. You honestly think you’re better than a bunch of cops?”

“Yes,” Emma replied bluntly, bracing her hands against the desk and staring down at the woman with a look just barely short of contempt. “Because they didn’t investigate it. Now, I would like to look at your October 1983 birth records please.”

“HIPAA says-” “I give zero shits what HIPAA says. Please get me your supervisor.”

“No.”

Emma let out a frustrated sound, yanking her hands off the table and running through her hair. Killian wouldn’t have run into this kind of trouble. He would have just smiled and made a comment about how pretty her disgusting hair looked and that woman would have been willing to hand over her own social security number. The very thought made her even more angry.

She pulled out her phone and immediately looked up the number for the Martha’s Vineyard Hospital, specifically for the medical records department. When she found the correct number, she punched it and stared the receptionist directly in the eye as she held the phone up to her ear.

“Martha’s Vineyard Hospital, Department of Records, this is Astrid speaking,” a woman on the other end of the line stated pleasantly.

“Hello Astrid, my name is Emma Swan, I’m a private investigator who is licensed in the states of Massachusetts, Maine, Connecticut, New Hampshire, New York and Florida. I’m investigating a cold case involving abandoned child in Menemsha October 1983. I was hoping I could look at your birth record files…”

There was a pause on the other end and Emma could hear the faint sound of conversation on the other end as she continued her staring contest with the nasty receptionist. A few moments passed before Astrid came back on the line.

“You wanted to look at the birth records during October in 1983?”

“Yes.”

There was another long pause. Emma counted the seconds in her head.

“Do you have a court order?”

“No,” she admitted. “But birth certificates are a matter of public record and as stated previously, I’m a licensed private investigator in the state of Massachusetts.”

“When did you plan on looking at the records?”

“Now, if that’s possible.”

There was a loud coughing noise on the other end followed by even more muffled conversation.

“Miss Swan, we need a little more time to get the records prepared for you. Give us a few hours, say after lunch around 2:30 and you can come down to the Records Department and have supervised access to the requested documents. Do you have more specific dates in mind or just the month of October?”

“Let’s keep it at the entire month of October just to be safe…”

“Okay. We will meet you at reception then and bring you down to Records at 2:30 then.”

“Thank you,” Emma replied, smirking at the receptionist. If she was feeling a little more immature, she would have fist pumped in her face. “I will see you then.”

After leaving the hospital, Emma wandered the streets of Oak Bluffs. She couldn’t help but feel that she was Martin Brody walking the streets of Amity Island. Everywhere she looked, it seemed to be tourist shops and ice cream places that had shut down for the winter. The only things that seemed to be open were the few restaurants like Sharky’s Cantina and Nancy’s. A large arcade on Main Street was also open despite the fact that there were only five kids inside, all of them crowding around some obnoxious game that involved loud shooting.

As she reached the docks, her phone buzzed. She frowned as she looked down at the screen, not recognising the number. She hit the ignore button as she began to examine the large yachts and fishing boats that were lined up. Some of them had clever names such as “The Codfather” and “The Aqua-holic.” Though the ship names held some amusement, she was shocked to see how far some were from home. Many of the ships docked were from Florida and South Carolina but there were a few from Jamaica and Bermuda. She couldn’t fathom why anyone from such sunny places would want to be in Martha’s Vineyard, especially in October.

It wasn’t until she was eating lunch at Dockside Marketplace that she realised whoever called her had left a message. Curious, she went to her voicemail and punched in her password.

It was Killian.

“Swan! Where are you! I woke up and you were gone! Your yellow death trap is gone! Are you alri-” Emma didn’t wait to hear what else he had to say. She wasn’t in the mood to deal with him. In a fit of pettiness, she turned off her phone and spent the rest of her lunch in petulant silence, listening to Top 40s pop music as she munched unhappily on her onion rings.

When she returned to the hospital, the receptionist from before was gone and replaced by a young blonde with tired eyes and a kind smile. She was chatting with a brunette in scrubs that was leaning against the desk. They looked up as soon as she came in and gave her cautious smiles.

“Are you Emma Swan?” the brunette asked politely.

“Yes.”

“I’m Astrid Acker, I work in the Records Department. Do you mind showing me your ID and private detective’s license?”

Emma fished them out of her pocket and handed them over. Astrid looked at them both for a moment before nodding satisfaction and handing them back. She motioned for Emma to follow her down a long hallway. They reached a stairwell and descended down into the basement levels. It had a cold industrial feel to it, with exposed pipes lining the walls and sterile colored tiles. Astrid led her down another hallway before taking her into a sparsely decorated office. It was cluttered as hell and it immediately made her feel claustrophobic. There were three oversized desks, two that were covered in sprawling documents and dated computers while the other was completely clear save for a single case box.

Astrid pulled two chairs over to the clear desk. She held the first chair out to Emma before sitting in the other one. She pulled the lid off the box and glanced back at Emma.

“Martha’s Vineyard sees an average of 176 births per year,” she said quietly. “In 1983, there was a total of 216 births. 23 of those were born in the month of October. All of them are in that box.”

“23?”

“23,” she confirmed. “You can look at the records but you cannot take them, make copies or photos of them.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re quite welcome.”

Emma’s hands shook as she pulled the files from the box. Immediately she separated the males from the females, heart hammering in her chest as the number of files dropped from twenty-three to eight.

Six were born in the beginning of October. Only two fell into the potential time period that Emma was looking for. One was named Jennifer Cameron and the other was Julia Wright. She glanced up from the documents and back at Astrid.

“What’s the population size of Martha’s Vineyard?”

“Roughly 15,000 people.”

“Small.”

“I guess you can say that.”

Emma moved the eight files towards Astrid, every single atom of her being vibrating with tension. “Out of these eight files, do you know any of them personally?”

Astrid looked startled by the question. She gave Emma a long inquisitive look before opening each file and rattling off what she knew about each one.

“I don’t know Teresa...I don’t know Kayla either...or Laura….but I know Brenda. She dated my brother. They have two kids named Tony and Alana. Alison….if it’s the Alison I know, she left the Vineyard back in the tenth grade. Jen used to be friends with my brother but something happened and I don’t know what. Julia and Sarah were the mean girls growing up. Julia is married and owns a bed and breakfast in Chilmark and Veronica owns Vineyard Scoops in Edgartown.”

And just like that, all the energy, all the hope that Emma had, died. She felt like a popped balloon, scattered and deflated. Another dead end. She wanted to be angry. She wanted to be sad. She wanted to feel something but all she felt was numb.

“Thank you for your time,” Emma said after a moment before gathering all the strength she had left and standing up.

“I’m sorry.” Astrid was confused.

“None of these women are who I’m looking for.”

It wasn’t until she felt the hospital and was back by the docks that Emma felt something. A powerful and raw rage burned in her veins. She wanted to scream but she settled to for kicking a trash can and startling a small colony of seagulls.

Drawing a heavy breath, she turned her phone back on. She regretted the decision almost instantly. Twenty missed calls and nine messages left for her. All from the same number.

“Jesus Killian,” she mumbled under her breath as she called her voicemail.

“You have nine new messages…first message received today at 12:05pm...Swan! Where are you! I woke up and you were gone! Your yellow death trap is-” Emma deleted the message before it finished.

“Next new message received today at 12:34pm...Swan! Where are you! I’ve been looking everywhere-”  She hit the delete button again.

“Next new message received today at 12:46pm...Swan, it’s me. I’m hoping you just went into town and got Granny’s or something...I’m going to go down and meet you. Call me back when you get this.”

“Next new message received today at 1:13pm...I just stopped by Granny’s...Ruby said she hasn’t seen you...Where are you? Please call me back.”

“Next new message received today at 1:19pm...Swan! I’m worried now! Where are you? I don’t understand what’s going on or why you won’t answer your talking phone.”

“Next new message received today at 1:27pm...Swan...please just answer me...I want to know what’s going on…Just talk to me…”

“Next new message received today at 1:31pm…I don’t know where you are but please just call me. I just want to know you’re okay.”

“Next new message received today at 1:45pm...You left me...”

She dropped her phone. All the emotion she thought she would feel after her latest failure came at the broken and defeated tone of Killian’s voice. Tears welled in the corners of her eyes and she held her hand up to her face in order to stifle the cry that desperately wanted escape her lips. She felt like the world’s biggest asshole.

She took a moment to try and gather herself, wiping at her sniffling nose as she stared out into the marina, watching seagulls dive at the water in search of fresh prey. She almost forgot to listen to the final voice message that Killian had left her.

“...End of new message. To listen to it again...press one...To save it...press two...to erase it...press three…”

She pressed down on the first option, knowing it would be unpleasant and Killian would more than likely be screaming at her but there was a part of her, the self-loathing part, that felt she deserved it.

“New message received today at 2:56pm…Emma…” The way he said her name wasn’t angry. It was strained and filled with an emotion that words could not identify but she knew it on a fundamental level. Her blood went cold in her veins.

Something was wrong.

“Emma…” Killian repeated again and his time his voice wavered a bit. “The pelts...The pelts on Gold’s property...they’re...They’re selkie pelts.”

“Oh shit,” she whispered as the color drained from her face.

She had left Killian alone in Menemsha with a man who more likely than not hunted his kind. And more than that, she had left him without any means to defend himself; her taser and pistol were in the glove compartment of her car. Now, she was officially the world’s biggest asshole.

In the long list of self-imposed rules that Emma Swan had, near the top of the list was that she didn’t push the Bug faster than sixty miles per hour. There were practical reasons for this, mainly because the Bug was nearly two decades old and she didn’t fancy replacing it any time soon. She pressed the pedal to the floor as she raced down State Road and North Road on her way back to Menemsha, the needle on her speedometer jumping between seventy-five and eighty miles per hour.

She may have nearly killed more than a dozen rabbits on her way.

The Bug made its grievances known, sputtering and whining as she came to a grinding halt in front of the beach house. Emma barely acknowledged it over the thundering of her heart ramming against her chest as her eyes scanned the property, hoping against hope to see any sign that Killian was in the house and that he was alright.

There were no lights on in the house, but she didn’t expect any. Killian was practically an old man and had an almost amusing dislike for electricity. He had a habit of leaving the lights off as long as possible until he couldn’t read without them. It made Emma privately question a lot of what happened while he was stuck with Cora and her daughter during his five years stuck on land.

“Killian?” She called almost tentatively when she stepped into the house.

Only silence came to greet her. The stillness of the house unnerved her and she could feel her anxiety skyrocket in response.

“Killian!”

Various scenarios flashed into her mind but at the forefront was seeing his pelt hanging from the blood soaked rack on the front lawn of Gold’s property. Immediately, she scrambled up the stairs and into the guest bedroom. She didn’t bother with any pretenses. She knew exactly what she was looking for and where it was. She made a beeline for the large white dresser and pulled open the third drawer.

The sight of Killian’s pelt caused her to let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. Without thinking, she pulled it out of the drawer and brought it to her face. She buried her nose in the thick fur, trying to take comfort in the fact that it was still in the house and not on the rack up the road.

She was almost surprised at how soft it was. Emma didn’t have much experience with fur, let alone seal fur but it felt incredibly silky and all she wanted to do was keep it against her skin.

“Swan?”

Emma froze, her cheek still rubbed against his pelt as she craned her head towards the doorway. He was looking at her with a guarded expression, shoulders tense and hands curled into tight fists. If she didn’t know any better, she would say that he was preparing himself for a fight.

“Where the fuck were you?” she hissed. “I got your message and I was scared out of my mind!”

“Got my messages, did you?” he asked, crossing his arms in front of his chest and raising his eyebrows at her. The coolness of his tone nearly made her flinch.

“Yes. I freaked out! You can’t leave messages like that and just run off! You could have been hurt! You could have been killed! I was fucking terrified that I was going to come home and see your pelt out there on that fucking rack!”

“I could say the same to you, love.”

“This isn’t a game, Killian!”

“I never said it was. I’m merely pointing out the hypocrisy as I’m seeing it.”

She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to quell the chaotic squall of emotions that wanted to bubble up to the surface. She wanted to be angry. She wanted to lash out but she couldn’t necessarily deny the truth in his words.

“I should have called you back, I’m so-” “No, it shouldn’t even have gotten to that point,” he cut her off. “You should have woken me up, Emma! We’re supposed to be partners!”

“We’re not supposed to be anything.” The words leapt from her throat before she could stop them.

As soon as she said them, Killian reared back as if her words had hit him with physical force. He stared at her as if he had never seen her before in his life. They stood there for a brief moment in tense silence. The distance between them was only about eight feet but it felt much larger than that. It felt like a canyon that Emma wasn’t entirely sure she wanted to bridge.

“Where were you?” she asked again, this time in a softer tone.

Killian looked somewhat bereft, swallowing his words and looking away from her. For a moment, Emma wasn’t sure he was going to answer her.

“I went into the house.”

She gasped at his explanation, staring at him in disbelief. “You didn’t. Please tell me you didn’t, Killian.”

“Considering all of today’s revelations, I���m shocked you care.”

“Of course I care! You could have been killed!”

“He wasn’t there,” he replied, still not looking at her. “He...I...He doesn’t just keep the pelts, Emma. There was a jar on the mantle...It was full of teeth...”

A cold shiver went down Emma’s spine. Ruby’s warning from her first day in Menemsha echoed in her head and a part of her wished she had given it more thought.

“How many?”

“I didn’t count,” Killian laughed humorously. A brittle smile crossed his lips and it made Emma feel sick. “I didn’t get close enough. I didn’t want to but countless...That whole place reeks of blood.”

“You shouldn’t have gone in there, Killian.”

His eyes cut to her. “And what should I have done, Swan? Waited for you? You cut out of here so swiftly, I wasn’t sure you were even going to come back.”

“Of course I was coming back. Don’t be an idiot. But Killian, think about this. Gold owns this town. No one knows who you are. You technically don’t exist here. He could have gotten to you and no one except me would have known something happened to you.”

“I’m very much aware of that, Swan.”

“Are you?”

“Yes, despite what you think, I’m not just a dumb animal. I’m quite intelligent despite your constant willingness to overlook that fact.”

“I know you’re smart-” “Yet you insist on treating me as I’m nothing more than dumb pet, not even worthy of leaving a note or even communicating with. Are you going to get me a ball to play with next? Make me eat out of a bowl?”

“You’re making a bigger deal of this than it actually it is,” she said with a roll of her eyes.

“No. I’m just seeing the clear picture. You don’t trust me, or anyone for that matter! You would rather be alone than let yourself get burned again! Whoever he is, he must have done quite the number on you that you would rather be unhappy and alone than take any risks and let anyone in. Being alone is a bitter existence, take it from someone who knows.”

“Oh! Because you know everything!” Emma jeered.

“When it comes to being alone? Yes! I told you what happened to me. I told you about losing my family, losing Milah. I’m not unsympathetic to your plight, Emma, but you need to get it through your head that you’re not alone.”

She wanted to punch him; wanted nothing more than to break his nose. He was so full of shit and she couldn’t stand the sight of him.

“Oh fuck you,” she snarled. “Stop the bullshit. You don’t actually care. The only reason you’re still standing here is because you’re trapped. As soon as this is over, you’re just going to back. You won’t even blink.”

“If you honestly still believe that then I can’t help you,” he said softly with a disappointed look on his face. He ran his fingers through his hair before looking back at her with a beseeching expression. “Look, I can’t do this right now. Just give me back my pelt.”

Emma froze. Her mind went blank at his request and she stared down at the pelt in her hands. Her fingers were curled into it so tightly that her skin was stretched white over her knuckles. She knew that the appropriate response was to give it back to him and let him go on his merry way but she couldn’t bring herself to let go of it. Without thinking, she instead tightened her own hold on it.

Killian stared at her, absolutely stunned. There was no mistaking the look of betrayal in his eyes. He stretched out his hand and Emma couldn’t help but notice that it was trembling.

“Emma…” He sounded broken.

Reluctantly, she let go of his pelt; depositing it in his hand before she could think more on her hesitation. She practically ran past him and took sanctuary in her room, trying to put as much distance as she could between them.

The tears didn’t come until she closed the door and it was firmly against her back.  

[gayestshakespearecouples]

Hamlet by Truro School & cube theatre

Last night I saw a Hamlet production at my old school which was made in collaboration with the excellent cube theatre company (lowercase is intentional) and directed by one of my former classmates. It was incredible - VERY modern, very derivative from the original play in all the BEST ways. Now I'm going to ramble about the whole thing, mostly for myself to keep as a record of it. TL;DR this production's Hamlet was a very mentally ill lesbian who actually had a loving relationship with Ophelia until Polonius interfered. And I loved her.

Here's the main Interesting Things:

The generational divide was made VERY clear in the production because, while most of the cast was 15-18 year old students, Gertrude, Claudius, Polonius and the ghost of King Hamlet were played by drama teachers and cube theatre members. I'm really big on Hamlet being a play about the misunderstandings etc between generations, so I loved that element.

It was a modern setting version, not just the half-assed modern costumes I've seen before in Shakespeare, but making use of technology. 

For example, when Polonius was questioning Ophelia about Hamlet near the beginning, he casually took her phone and apparently scrolled through her text conversations with Hamlet (he later read out Hamlet's poems to Ophelia to Claudius from this phone.)

They also used projected footage onto the set, including LIVE footage of the play from a different angle at the very start, very end, and Ophelia's funeral - making these into publicity events with Claudius speaking to the camera. Definitely suited the play in a modern take on it; Claudius fits the role of hypocritical politician very well.

At other points the projected footage was pre-filmed in other locations, including using it to show Ophelia drowning herself, having Gertrude watch childhood videos of Hamlet before the scene where Hamlet meets her in her bedroom, and Polonius watched Hamlet and Ophelia on security camera screens a few times.

The entire ghost sighting was replaced with Hamlet, alone, seeing her father speaking to her in projected footage (presumably representing a TV screen). Honestly, I've always WANTED to be able to interpret the ghost as Hamlet's hallucination, but Horatio and the guardsmen seeing the ghost contradicted me - but not in this adaptation! The part where Hamlet explains he’s going to act mad to deceive his uncle (???) was also completely cut, so I’m certain the director intended Hamlet to be clearly mentally ill.

 (I say ‘the director’ as if she’s someone I’ve never met, instead of my friend, who I could just message right now to ask her what she intended! But I don’t even need to ask for clarification on that point)

Hamlet was a young woman (and so were Horatio and Guildernstern.) I’d heard of this being done before, but never seen it myself, and I found it utterly fascinating in the way it changed the story and how I reacted to it.

At the beginning, Claudius and Gertrude’s insistence that Hamlet “get over it” and stop grieving for her father came off not as “man up!” like it usually does, but instead, as them dismissing Hamlet for being a ‘dramatic teenage girl’ - perhaps the usual fate of Ophelia as well?

When from the mouth of an actress, Hamlet’s extremely misogynistic lines seem much more like general misanthropy and despair at the state of the world.

The play actually felt very much like  a lesbian love story that goes horribly, horribly wrong due to the interference of ‘adults’ (the older generation). Because not only was Hamlet and Ophelia’s love story a lesbian one in this production, but it was also portrayed as much more of - well, a love story, than I’m used to seeing in Hamlet. Right near the beginning it was briefly shown that Hamlet went to Ophelia for comfort after the whole ‘cast thy nighted colour off’ scene. 

Fascinatingly, the "to be or not to be" speech was actually flipped so that Hamlet saw Ophelia first, and then delivered the speech while sitting right next to her. Totally changed the speech AND the dynamic between them, by having it be an act of confession, a moment of extreme emotional intimacy between the couple. 

It also made the "get thee to a nunnery" scene that immediately follows even more heartbreaking; strangely, it never really struck me before that it’s a breakup scene, possibly because Hamlet and Ophelia never seemed to have much of a relationship to break up from. (One of the uses of projected footage was also to show the two girls together and clearly in love, on a beach, during that scene. There was sad music playing. It made me cry a little bit.)

And of course, Polonius’ instruction to Ophelia that she must reject Hamlet’s advances just comes off as very thinly veiled homophobia when Hamlet is a woman. I really hated Polonius in this one; he was a  malicious and manipulative character, rather than a busybody old fool as he often comes off.

As a mentally ill, uh... sort-of wlw (I might be agender but the fact I’m AFAB means that my attraction to girls ‘feels gay’, and thus I identify myself quite closely with the idea of being lesbian/sapphic) who is OBSESSED with Hamlet, seeing Hamlet as a mentally ill wlw, and also the same age as me (in fact the actress was one year younger), was just... So special. A really amazing experience. But even my mother really loved this production, too!

As an aside, it also showed Claudius as explicitly abusive towards Gertrude, which I haven’t seen before either. I somewhat guessed it was the case during the first half of the play - the way that Gertrude was portrayed made it seem like she was trapped in the marriage with Claudius, and she was very sympathetic to Hamlet; then, later on, Claudius actually slapped her. 

Oh and I think it was pretty cool that the stupid thing about Hamlet being kidnapped by pirates on the way to England (seriously, Shakespeare?) was replaced with Claudius sending hitmen after Hamlet, who then somehow accidentally ended up grabbing Guildenstern instead. (Didn’t quite follow what happened there, but it was a neat way of modernising it and making it less ridiculous nonetheless...)

[sunnydaysmakemesmiletoo]

Perfect, amazing, Italian, New York, Marty

So he made up the title when I told him I had a blog.

Lemme tell you about life and love and luck and Marty; a series of not-so-unfortunate events.

Rewind to my trip to Nashville; August 19-23, Wednesday-Sunday.

Wednesday my friend and I arrive early, eat at Pancake Pantry, check in to the AirBNB, sight see, and do the bar thing. We meet a guy who is later named ‘Wednesday’ and is about 5'5’’ and in love with Sam, but super cool.

Thursday we do Biscuit Love and meet up with another friend of mine who is also there, and do dinner and more bars, the big ones like Tootsies and The Stage, ending at what would be our fav, the FGL (Florida Georgia Line) House. Wednesday hangs with us too.

Friday: enter Marty. Sam and I leave the AirBNB because of crazy heat and no AC and we luck out and get a hotel downtown at the Hyatt; we decide we don’t need a room Saturday night since we have to leave at 3am anyway (this matters later). So. We check in and get ready for another night of dinner and dancing. We do dinner and ultimately go back to FGL House, Wednesday in tow again (which was totally fine, again, he was cool). We get there and it’s so hot. We decide to go to the 2nd floor and sit at the bar and grab a beer until we decide to go up and dance on the 3rd. There is a guy in a turquoise Polo leaning against a pillar while his friend is hitting on a drunk blonde. I naturally look around while I’m sitting and my eyes keep stumbling on him, inevitably making quick eye contact and quickly turning. Some rando local is sitting next to Sam, quiet. All of a sudden, random pillar guy walks right up and starts ragging on his friend and how this drunk girl is obnoxious (which she was). His friend actually leaves with random drunk girl. I quickly learn his name is Marty. My confidence tells me he walked up to talk to my friend but to my surprise, he never takes his eyes off of me. Quiet local rando begins talking to Sam and she’s soon ready to head up stairs. Sam meets Marty, he briefs her on his friend who left with drunk girl, and she invites him up with us. The line to get upstairs is SO long. So Sam, Wednesday, Marty, and I get to the end of the line. All of a sudden, Marty had my hand and begins taking me through the line to the top, without a single person fighting it. Crazy because I’m wayyyy too shy to do something like that, let alone with a stranger to grabbed my hand, grinned, and went for it. Marty and I both use the restroom and meet up with Sam and Wednesday. Eventually, Marty’s friend comes back and Wednesday had a girl coworker who shows up also, her name being Fun Girl. We drink and dance and talk and the night is great. At some point we mention our early flight Sunday and lack of hotel for Saturday and Marty offers to let us leave our luggage in their room Saturday while we are out. We agree. After the bar, Marty, friend, Sam, and I grab food and we laugh and talk shit until it’s time to leave. We hug, cheek kiss, and part ways.

Saturday: We get up, discuss leaving our stuff in these guys room and how we will kind of have to depend on them, meanwhile, Marty and friend are having a similar conversation about being stuck with us since they will have our stuff. Wednesday is on the way back to NC. So, Sam and I head to the Hilton with our stuff and head to brunch with those two, where Fun Girl also meets us. Supposed to be great but it was just ok. We head to midtown and sit at Rebar and sit outside and have drinks in the sunshine, the 5 of us. After, we head back to the Hilton, all 5 of us, and the boys let us use their shower to rinse and get ready for the night. I’m last to shower and when I come out, Fun Girl, Sam, and Marty’s friend are in the couch and they tell me Marty is waiting for me to cuddle him in the room. Total turn off but I later learn that wasn’t actually the case. I go in the room, make some comment about that not being what I’m there for. We end up literally cuddling and nothing more (for real). His friend is actually mad that we didn’t hook up which was annoying. He said it was a waste of time. We all get ready, go to dinner at a BBQ joint on Broadway, and once again, head back to FGL. Marty’s friend is there for girls and to find his next victim; I kind of walk away to the dance floor because honestly, Marty is a dude on vacation in Nashville and I didn’t wanna damper his game. He actually thinks I’m not showing interest and tells Sam she’s showing more attention than I am. She told him she’s waiting for me to follow and he does just that. His friend goes wandering and never comes back. Fun Girl finds herself some guy who flipped her the night before and she’s out too. Sam and I are dancing and Marty is close by, letting me do my thing with my friend. Sam decides one more drink and we are out, seeing as we have to leave at 330 for the airport, it’s somewhere around 1230/1. We get back for a power nap; Sam on the couch and me with Marty. Do I need to say more 😬 All I can say is passionate and beyond. Definitely never done anything like that before but I don’t regret it for a second. And then the hard part. The entire night was amazing and easy and he was almost kind of shy and it was so dang cute to me. So 3:00am comes and it’s time to grab our stuff and go. I didn’t wanna go. We walk out the door and Marty is at the door. We head to the elevator and I happen to look back, right at Marty looking at me. Melted me. We go down the elevator, walk through the lobby, and I look up and he’s leaning over the balcony, watching me leave. I felt like I was leaving someone I hadn’t seen in years, behind. For a while, we text back and forth until he finally goes to sleep. Sunday is full of texts as I’m home and he’s at the airport getting on a normal flight that ends up getting cancelled until the following morning. Sweet and not too much texts flood my phone. Big realistically, it’s simply the guy from Nashville (mind you, his friend was like 'you’re never gonna see him again you know). He made comments about me looking back and how it made him feel.

Today is August 7, Monday, and Marty just left last night after spending the whole weekend here. When I tell you it was the best weekend, by far, I’ve ever had, I mean it. I laughed til I cried countless times and nothing had ever been so easy. I was so cynical about him even coming and figured I’d just take it for what it was; a weekend of fun; and he’d go home and that’s it. I wish I could say that all it was, was a weekend of fun, but I’d be lying. Fate would have it that a man like this would love in NY. He would tell me, after Nashville, that if consumed his thoughts and yada yada, but again, my lack of confidence wanted to call bullshit and just told myself he’s good with words. This weekend, I couldn’t believe him more. I was a queen and his smile revolved on mine. He arrived Friday, we are local Mexican, dropped our stuff at my house with a little bit of boom boom; we went to an awesome improv comedy show and then to the bars with my friends. Saturday we went to breakfast, grabbed beer, and headed to the beach where my driving became a comedy show and we ate great food at Coconuts. After, we checked into a hotel in Orlando, went to dinner, and then relaxed until we fell asleep, with more boom boom. Sunday was breakfast again, leaving the hotel, and then 4 hours at Hillstone with drinks and lunch and laughing and topped off with relaxing in the dock, dreading him having to leave. I take him to the airport, I actually go in and walk him to security, and he leaves. I actually cry after I walk away.

I wish any of this portrayed how I actually feel or how much I actually laughed or how much I actually felt like I was enough. Everything about Nashville and this weekend was perfect and call me crazy cause lord knows I know better than to set myself up for heartbreak, but I’m not ready to stop.

I don’t think I know what to do, but I know what I’m not gonna do.

Part of me wrote alllllll if this so that if it does fade away, I can look back and remember this wild ride; part of me wrote it so that if it does keep going, I can look back and remember where it started, in detail.

No better feeling than feeling enough and if nothing else, worst case scenario, he came into my life to remind me that I can feel that way again and to assure me that I am enough and great the way I am.

Best case scenario, he will stick around to remind me everyday.

Marty. Thank you.

Things to make me laugh when I look back on this; 96 in a hurricane, the clock is 40 minutes slow (!), 17 people to clean up barf at Bahama Breeze, face in the wall, bloody noses, long legs short bed, burnt butt, slow down please, Steven! Nancy!, I don’t wanna end up in a ditch in Florida…

[radiohorizon]

38 years later

200 things you can put in my ask 200: My crush’s name is: Lacey😛😍
199: I was born in: 1999
198: I am really: short, tired, sarcastic, idk??
197: My cellphone company is: verizon
196: My eye color is: blue/grey
195: My shoe size is: 3 in kids, 5 in womens
194: My ring size is: i have no idea, probably small but not too small cause i got far fingers
193: My height is: 5'1
192: I am allergic to: sulfa drugs and grass
191: My 1st car was: dont have one
190: My 1st job was: waitress at a local restaurant 
189: Last book you read: King Lear in school but Clockwork Princess for fun
188: My bed is: my favorite and super comfy and my best friend literally comes over just to nap in it
187: My pet: 2 cats, 1 dog
186: My best friend: Andrew, Elizabeth, Abby, Katie, Kristy, Annabelle, Kyle, Hailey, Stevie, Bea
185: My favorite shampoo is: Suave Ocean
184: Xbox or ps3: xbox
183: Piggy banks are: idrc about them??
182: In my pockets: dont have pockeys rn
181: On my calendar: nothings
180: Marriage is: in my future
179: Spongebob can: idrc cause idc
178: My mom: is my favorite person
177: The last three songs I bought were? Wasted youth by fletcher In too deep by the sweeplings Is there somewhere by halsey 176: Last YouTube video watched: “50 things about me” by Nina Jablonska
175: How many cousins do you have? A shit ton
174: Do you have any siblings? 1 sister and 1 brother that ive never met
173: Are your parents divorced? No and i never see them getting divorced. Theyre honestly the only reason i still believe in love
172: Are you taller than your mom? We’re the same height actually
171: Do you play an instrument? Nope
170: What did you do yesterday? Went to school, studied, talked to Lacey, went to sleep

[ I Believe In ]
169: Love at first sight: i dunno
168: Luck: yes
167: Fate: yes
166: Yourself: lmao no
165: Aliens: yes
164: Heaven: i think
163: Hell: yes
162: God: i believe in something
161: Horoscopes: im not sure
160: Soul mates: yes
159: Ghosts: yes
158: Gay Marriage: duh
157: War: i dont really know
156: Orbs: yes
155: Magic: yes

[ This or That ]
154: Hugs or Kisses: hugs
153: Drunk or High: high
152: Phone or Online: depends
151: Red heads or Black haired: dont care
150: Blondes or Brunettes: dont care
149: Hot or cold: cold
148: Summer or winter: summer
147: Autumn or Spring: autumn
146: Chocolate or vanilla: depends because i love chocolate but it gives me headaches
145: Night or Day: night
144: Oranges or Apples: oranges
143: Curly or Straight hair: honestly dont care
142: McDonalds or Burger King: burger king for burgers, mcdonalds for snack wrap
141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: milk chocolate
140: Mac or PC: PC
139: Flip flops or high heals: depends
138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: sweet and poor
137: Coke or Pepsi: coke
136: Hillary or Obama: OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA 
135: Burried or cremated: buried in the cemetery up the road from where i live
134: Singing or Dancing: dancing
133: Coach or Chanel: dont care
132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: who are they?
131: Small town or Big city: small town
130: Wal-Mart or Target: how bout kohls
129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: adam Sandler
128: Manicure or Pedicure: manicure because im reallllly ticklish on my feet and i end up flinching the whole time
127: East Coast or West Coast: only ever been on the east coast so idrk
126: Your Birthday or Christmas: christmas
125: Chocolate or Flowers: chocolate
124: Disney or Six Flags: disney!!!
123: Yankees or Red Sox: how bout Orioles

[ Here’s What I Think About ]
122: War: i respect the people fighting for our country and for others, but i wish everyone could just stop killing eachother
121: George Bush: gross
120: Gay Marriage: Gaaaaayyyyyy
119: The presidential election: grosser
118: Abortion: no judgement on whether or not someone decides to get one. Personally i dont think i could, but will always vote pro choice
117: MySpace: never had one so idk
116: Reality TV: can be entertaining but usually really dumb
115: Parents: i love them more than anything
114: Back stabbers: fuck you
113: Ebay: sketchy
112: Facebook: people are annoying and i hate that i live in hick central
111: Work: dont have ajob but am trying to get one
110: My Neighbors: since 3 of my best friends are my neighbors, i guess theyre alright
109: Gas Prices: way too fucking high
108: Designer Clothes: dont care about them UNLESS its converse because thats my shit right there
107: College: start it in 5 months :(
106: Sports: love em but suck at em
105: My family: my rock and support, but they piss me off a lot
104: The future: scares the fuck out of me

[ Last time I ]
103: Hugged someone: a few ninutes ago
102: Last time you ate: few hours ago
101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: about 2-3 weeks ago at the gym
100: Cried in front of someone: a few weeks ago i cried in front of abby because i found out kelsey has a girlfriend
99: Went to a movie theater: two weekends ago and saw Get Out and holy shit its good
98: Took a vacation: 2-3 years ago
97: Swam in a pool: 2 years ago i think
96: Changed a diaper: never
95: Got my nails done: little over a month ago
94: Went to a wedding: last summer
93: Broke a bone: never
92: Got a peircing: last spring
91: Broke the law: never i think?
90: Texted: about 2 seconds ago i texted Lacey

[ MISC ]
89: Who makes you laugh the most: My lunch table
88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my cats and my moms hugs
87: The last movie I saw: i saw get out in theaters but watched thunderbirds for the millionth time in art so im a happy camper
86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: getting the fuck away from this place and these memories
85: The thing im not looking forward to: graduating, starting college, moving away, leaving my friends, leaving my animals, growing up, the list could go on forever
84: People call me: elizabeth, beth, bethany, lizzy, liz, bethyboo, bethers, bethy,
83: The most difficult thing to do is: move on and let go
82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: nope
81: My zodiac sign is: pisces
80: The first person i talked to today was: lacey or bea idrk
79: First time you had a crush: kindergarten
78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: no one, im pretty good with keeping a good face on
77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: i have no idea
76: Right now I am talking to: Lace💜👑
75: What are you going to do when you grow up: homicide detective or BAU
74: I have/will get a job: soon hopefully
73: Tomorrow: school, test, paint, facetime this beautiful girl, sleep
72: Today: school, test, painted, studied
71: Next Summer: senior weeek🤙🏻 and hopefully just simple hangouts with friends
70: Next Weekend: Stevenson university visit
69: I have these pets: 2 cats (sadie and ziva) and 1 dog (westen oliver)
68: The worst sound in the world: hearing people chew or breathe hard
67: The person that makes me cry the most is: my ex
66: People that make you happy: my friends and parents
65: Last time I cried: last night
64: My friends are: the only reason im alive
63: My computer is: a Windows something
62: My School: sucks
61: My Car: doesnt exist
60: I lose all respect for people who: judge others with no reason and refuse to be nice
59: The movie I cried at was: if I stay and hunger games trilogy
58: Your hair color is: dirty blonde/ light brown
57: TV shows you watch: criminal minds, shameless, the 100, friends, the fosters, lie to me, NCIS, scooby doo
56: Favorite web site: tumblr 
55: Your dream vacation: a lake house
54: The worst pain I was ever in was: recovery after my heart surgery and when they had to take out my chest tubes
53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium
52: My room is: messy but my favorite place
51: My favorite celebrity is: jennifer lawrence or ryan Reynolds or josh hucherson or Noel Fisher
50: Where would you like to be: childhood
49: Do you want children: yes
48: Ever been in love: ye
47: Who’s your best friend: the twins, fergs, abby, rat pack, stevie, hailey, bea
46: More guy friends or girl friends: girl friends
45: One thing that makes you feel great is: gaining more flexibility
44: One person that you wish you could see right now: jarred
43: Do you have a 5 year plan: not really
42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: sorta
41: Have you pre-named your children: yepp. Daesin, Fiona, tegan and ryan
40: Last person I got mad at: my dad
39: I would like to move to: maryland or deleware
38: I wish I was a professional: dancer

[ My Favorites ]
37: Candy: gummy bears and kit kats or smarties
36: Vehicle: jeep Cherokee 
35: President: OBAMA
34: State visited: Florida
33: Cellphone provider: dunno
32: Athlete: Misty Copeland
31: Actor: Ryan Reynolds and Noel Fisher
30: Actress: Jennifer Lawrence
29: Singer: Amy Lee
28: Band: Evanescence
27: Clothing store: KOHLS
26: Grocery store: giant
25: TV show: shameless
24: Movie: thunderbirds or chitty chitty bang bang
23: Website: tumblr
22: Animal: monkey
21: Theme park: disney
20: Holiday: halloween
19: Sport to watch: allstar cheerleading or soccer
18: Sport to play: soccer
17: Magazine: dont have one but if i did i guess people?
16: Book: WAYYY too many
15: Day of the week: wednesday
14: Beach: bethany beach
13: Concert attended: evanescence even tho i couldnt see shit
12: Thing to cook: grilled cheese
11: Food: cheeseburger
10: Restaurant: green turtle
9: Radio station: 106.5
8: Yankee candle scent: i dunno
7: Perfume: hollister or ed hardy
6: Flower: rose
5: Color: purple
4: Talk show host: my girl ellen
3: Comedian: john Maloney, kevin heart, illiza shelshinger 
2: Dog breed: golden retriever 
1: Did you answer all these truthfully? Yeppers

[anonymouslypoz-blog]

The Break up

Dazed and confused, my actions on here were the dumbest and most selfish thing I probably have ever made.

For a few days, I’ve been thinking on how-to break the news to my partner then, the option that I decided to go for was to get him furiously mad and scared of me to the point that he’d break up with me.

My reasoning then was I could not tell him. I could not bare the fact that I disappointed him, that I wrecked our plans on having a family with a beach house and live happily ever after. But to be honest, the relationship before all this happened was starting to fall apart, I tried to salvage it and I still am, heres on of the messages I sent him prior the break up: 

“Babe, you know how much I love you.  I gave you my heart and trust when you first said i love you, when you said i was more important than the people you work with when you said that I was yours. 

But, your words are so different from your actions now. I feel neglected and it feels like you’re intentionally ignoring me. No matter how long ago my last relationship was, my guard is still up. Probably higher than ever before. It’s just always been me, myself and I for the longest time and I’ve only depended on myself. 

It scares me a lot that I’ve been so happy the past week and that big chunk of my happiness has been solely dependent on you. The past few days have been very challenging and heart breaking for me. I’m hoping and wishing that this isnt just a summer fling. 

I know I am capable of being happier than I originally was before we met and I sincerely have no one else to thank but you. You made me feel confident and loved again. Now, I’m afraid to lose you and if you ask me, I don’t ever want to.

 But a relationship doesn’t work one-way babe. It’s a two-way street. Communication is the most important factor in a relationship. Thats why I fell in love you in the first place. We had that spark. We connected. We talked. We bonded. We shared an unforgettable night together. And I want that to happen more. 

I need you to be a part of this babe. All I’m asking is that you make time for me, for this to work further. Fulfill or plans on building a house by the beach, start a family, and live happily ever after. I’m not asking you every hour or every minute of your time. But just like when we first met. Those first few days we were both on a high for each other. We were both very much infatuated with each other.”

That night with my clouded judgement, I decided to send him a hurtful and demeaning text message and immediately blocked him. I didn’t want to hear anything from him, I didn’t want to be asked for my reasons. But my plan was just up to that stage and don’t think of a plan for the aftermath.

Heres what I think I sent him: (well, one of)

“Last week I started to get tests for my self. I kept it on the down low. Just to see if there’s something wrong with myself. Wednesday I got called in and got the news of me not being well. I tried to be strong but of course the thought of just ending it myself was there hence texting you Wednesday night. But of course I didn’t do it. I thought of ending it myself because I didn’t want to see my family suffer from seeing me ill and spending for my health. I tried to get strength from you as I didn’t want my friends and family to know about it and I didn’t want anyone feeling pittyful but I learned a lesson from that. I won’t get it from anyone else but my siblings and friends. I thought you’d be there to at least give me support after what we’ve been through. This is not me asking for your pitty or paawa.  Since we haven’t formally ended it. Let me formally end it for both of us.”

Past midnight, I was in my room, as usual crying and thinking of how dumb I was my landline rings. I pick up towards the end of the ring and I said “hello” like who the fuck calls a landline at this hour?!

I hear nothing but a heavily breathing sound, my chest tightened and it was him. He spoke a few words while weeping, his words were, “I’m so sorry, I’m sorry if I hurt You.” He kept apologising for something he didn’t do and again I broke down and came clean to him but the damage has been done. I’ve hurt the man I’ve truly loved.

Few conversations after, he then says what he felt. He asked me “how could you be so selfish? Did you think I would leave you for that?” Honestly, I did not have any answer to that question. I was speechless, I never got to that point in drafting my master plan. 

Whats done is done. Ive done the damage. He had nothing more to say but to wish me good health and to be brave. I’ve accepted my fate on this matter. Theres no turning back. 

Who am I to chase him back when I know I’ve hurt him? Who am I to chase him when I know I’m not healthy anymore? Who am I to chase him back and risk infecting him? Love is Love and I do care for the person. I wish him all the best in the world, whatever he’s going through, I know that he’ll get through it through Christ and prayers. 

[jess-oh]

Reflection

So, there’s a lot to unpack.

I’ve been starting to put this off again but I do really want to get back into it. I’ve been doing some thinking lately.

First and foremost, I want to get my life in order! I’ve started looking into apartments and how I would decorate it and what theme I’d want. As of right now, I’m into that minimalistic look. I’d want a white and teal theme. I’ve already noticed just how much I gravitate toward that soft, mint color...It’s so pleasing to the eye. I just found out that it’s called “tame teal.” Now I finally have a definitive answer for that “favorite color” question! I knew it wasn’t Tiffany blue because that’s too bright. I like that more pastel, unsaturated look. Anyway, I bought an instant camera that just arrived today as well as looked into vinyls for my future record player! And I really want to get back into working out so I started researching sports bras. I have a goal and I’m making my way towards it and I’m feeling good about myself. I also started investing more time into the dishes and being proactive. I filtered through 222 scholarships on Collegeboard yesterday and today and organized them by deadline. I got this.

But let’s talk about my personal bizz.

And look, I know this is a really messed up mindset...but this is my mindset: I know that I’m still struggling with my self esteem and until i can really feel comfortable in my own skin and have the confidence to stand up for myself, i don't think i can live in California bc I don’t think i'll be able to handle that constant criticism from my fam and just have that constant fear that im being judged by people at Sa-Rang but my mom came into my room earlier today and gave a quick vent about how she just paid ~2k this month for my tuition and i couldn’t help but think if it's hard to pay for tuition now when i had a decent amount of financial aid, how is it going to be in the future when i have less aid? But i can’t come back to cali. not yet. 

I started taking my scholarship search more seriously because she told me that. And I’ve been slacking on giving 60% of my paycheck to my loans but I think I need to get back into that. I can spend money on record players and whatnot in the future. But I need to pay my loans of ASAP or else the interest will build and by then, I’ll have no hope of ever paying it off. I need scholarship money so that I can still go to Columbia. I really like it but honestly, the main reason I stay is because I have to. I need to learn to grow on my own and be with myself and mature at my own pace. I can’t do that when I’m constantly fighting my family out here. I tried to for so long and in the end, it made me really unhappy. It drove me to the point of depression and self harm and I don’t want to feel that helpless again. I’m just doing my best to make ends meet right now. And I love my job and school and my work and I try really hard. I got 6 As and 1 B. That counts for something, right? 

Right?

Sigh. I don’t know. These vents are nice. I should really do them more often instead of just running away from my problems. They help relieve a lot of stress and let me see more clearly. 

I was really nervous about going to church yesterday but in the end, everything worked out okay. I also sprinted out of service the moment in ended to avoid feeling rejected and any awkward interactions....but it still turned out okay. People were surprised and happy to see me and I’m happy that I saw them too. I felt a little bad because during prayer before service, all the attention went to Miriam instead of me. But I understand. She did just get engaged and that’s a huge deal. c: To be honest, I had a lot of anxiety and fear prior to entering. Even before opening the doors into the service room, I quietly reassured myself and tried to expect the circumstances. Even during prayer, something struck a chord within me. I couldn’t help but think of my family. One of the prayer topics was about broken families and that stuck with me. I do have a broken family. I recently found out that my parents’ marriage hasn’t been doing that great again and it honestly hurts me to see them in pain. I wish they would just get a divorce and go their own separate ways. Is that bad? To want them to get a divorce? But their personalities are so different and I think it’s just more harm then help at this point. I just want them to be happy. And they aren’t when they’re together. God, I don’t know what your plan is for them but please, take my mom out of her misery. It breaks my heart to see her struggle and feel that she has to bear the burden.

During the sermon, P. Billy preached about Joseph. By the way, the whole time, I couldn’t help but get distracted. I don’t know why. I did want to focus and I knew what was coming. “Trust.” It’s all about trust. And I have such a hard time with that. Y’know, I probably couldn’t concentrate because I didn’t want to face the truth. How unlike me. What happened? 

But yeah, “trust.” Man. I thought I got better at it and I think I did for a while but while out in Chicago, I felt the need to put up this false strong exterior once more and just rely on myself and not on others. I had to in order to survive. And there’s still no one in my life currently that I feel I can just freely open up to. Maybe to Jeanne or Andrew but there’s a part of me that feels bad. For Jeanne, I feel like I’m always the one that talks and she just listens. And I want to be here for her too. I do really want to help her with her problems and not just overwhelm her with mine. And for Andrew, it’s starting to feel like a job more than us caring for each other. Our conversations are so awkward now. We don’t know how to talk anymore. 

I’ll never forget when he said he’d always be here for me when I was freaking out at the beginning of the year though. That meant so much to me. I cried.

But back to “trust.” Trust. I have trust issues. I always have and I might always will. Trust in myself, in others, in God even. I feel like I don’t have anyone again and honestly, it’s been really hard to fend for myself. I don’t know anyone. I just feel

l o s t .

During his sermon, I couldn’t help but realize where my trust issues come from. It’s from my childhood and how I was raised. But most importantly, it all leads back to that one night at the beach. The night I’ll never forget. That I never can forget. And I know it wasn’t their fault. They didn’t mean to leave me. It was just because I was so quiet. But that night changed my life forever and I’ll never be the same. I still remember. I thought it was my fault. I thought I wasn’t good enough and I didn’t know what I did wrong. That night, my self esteem took a sharp blow and I’ve never fully recovered. Maybe I really do need a therapist...I want to get over this but I can’t tell this story without crying. Every. Time. From that night on, I vowed to be louder. And it was hard and I struggled and I still do but I want my voice to be heard. I need it to be heard. So that that doesn’t happen again.

The reason I always reach out to those kinda awkward and quiet isn’t because I feel bad for them. It’s because I am them. I’ve been there and I know what it’s like and I just want to be there for them. Because when I didn’t have anyone, I felt alone. And I don’t want anyone else to feel the way I did. I need to know that no one else is suffering the fate that I did. 

Dear God,

I don’t know how you plan to use me but please, I need your guidance. And I know it ultimately all comes down to me just really being able to trust you. And I’ve done it before and I loved it when you were the center of my life because everything made sense and I could always rest assured that everything would work out. And it did. But now I’m not so sure. A lot has happened since then and as much as I want to trust you, I don’t know if I can. I’m too scared. What if you’re not real? What if this fails? What if this. What if that. There are so many questions swirling around in my mind that are causing me to doubt you. And I don’t want that. I know that you are real. I know that we have met. I know that you saved me. I know. I know that in my mind and my heart but I still can’t help but become consumed by all my flaws and faults and mistakes and how I’m worse than other people and constantly comparing myself to others. And I don’t want to. Honestly, I don’t. It just makes me feel bad. But I still do. I’m my own worst enemy. I’m in my own way. And I don’t know how to get over that. As much as I want to.

God, I just pray. I really hope and pray. That I can find my way back to you. I don’t feel accepted enough to post in my church group anymore. Any of them. But I do need help and prayer and guidance and I don’t know who I can trust. P. Billy? Maybe? He seems to be the most understanding. I love his preaching style. He’s so funny and yet so blunt. He speaks the truth and is clothed in confidence from the Lord. And I really admire that about him. More than anyone else in my life, I look up to him the most.

Dear God,

I pray for guidance and healing. Please. You spoke to me on Sunday and I knew it was coming. I want to reread my sermon notes tomorrow and I really hope that I do. I’m not sure if I will but I really hope that I do. I want to review and see how you really spoke to me.

Thank you, God.

And I pray this all in your name.

Amen

[radiohorizon]

All of them. Please? For me?

Youre killin meeeeeee🙄

200 things you can put in my ask200: My crush’s name is: Lacey😛😍
199: I was born in: 1999
198: I am really: short, tired, sarcastic, idk??
197: My cellphone company is: verizon
196: My eye color is: blue/grey
195: My shoe size is: 3 in kids, 5 in womens
194: My ring size is: i have no idea, probably small but not too small cause i got far fingers
193: My height is: 5'1
192: I am allergic to: sulfa drugs and grass
191: My 1st car was: dont have one
190: My 1st job was: waitress at a local restaurant 
189: Last book you read: King Lear in school but Clockwork Princess for fun
188: My bed is: my favorite and super comfy and my best friend literally comes over just to nap in it
187: My pet: 2 cats, 1 dog
186: My best friend: Andrew, Elizabeth, Abby, Katie, Kristy, Annabelle, Kyle, Hailey, Stevie, Bea
185: My favorite shampoo is: Suave Ocean
184: Xbox or ps3: xbox
183: Piggy banks are: idrc about them??
182: In my pockets: dont have pockeys rn
181: On my calendar: nothings
180: Marriage is: in my future
179: Spongebob can: idrc cause idc
178: My mom: is my favorite person
177: The last three songs I bought were?Wasted youth by fletcherIn too deep by the sweeplingsIs there somewhere by halsey176: Last YouTube video watched:"50 things about me" by Nina Jablonska
175: How many cousins do you have?A shit ton
174: Do you have any siblings?1 sister and 1 brother that ive never met
173: Are your parents divorced?No and i never see them getting divorced. Theyre honestly the only reason i still believe in love
172: Are you taller than your mom?We're the same height actually
171: Do you play an instrument?Nope
170: What did you do yesterday? Went to school, studied, talked to Lacey, went to sleep[ I Believe In ]
169: Love at first sight: i dunno
168: Luck: yes
167: Fate: yes
166: Yourself: lmao no
165: Aliens: yes
164: Heaven: i think
163: Hell: yes
162: God: i believe in something
161: Horoscopes: im not sure
160: Soul mates: yes
159: Ghosts: yes
158: Gay Marriage: duh
157: War: i dont really know
156: Orbs: yes
155: Magic: yes[ This or That ]
154: Hugs or Kisses: hugs
153: Drunk or High: high
152: Phone or Online: depends
151: Red heads or Black haired: dont care
150: Blondes or Brunettes: dont care
149: Hot or cold: cold
148: Summer or winter: summer
147: Autumn or Spring: autumn
146: Chocolate or vanilla: depends because i love chocolate but it gives me headaches
145: Night or Day: night
144: Oranges or Apples: oranges
143: Curly or Straight hair: honestly dont care
142: McDonalds or Burger King: burger king for burgers, mcdonalds for snack wrap
141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: milk chocolate
140: Mac or PC: PC
139: Flip flops or high heals: depends
138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: sweet and poor
137: Coke or Pepsi: coke
136: Hillary or Obama: OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA 
135: Burried or cremated: buried in the cemetery up the road from where i live
134: Singing or Dancing: dancing
133: Coach or Chanel: dont care
132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: who are they?
131: Small town or Big city: small town
130: Wal-Mart or Target: how bout kohls
129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: adam Sandler
128: Manicure or Pedicure: manicure because im reallllly ticklish on my feet and i end up flinching the whole time
127: East Coast or West Coast: only ever been on the east coast so idrk
126: Your Birthday or Christmas: christmas
125: Chocolate or Flowers: chocolate
124: Disney or Six Flags: disney!!!
123: Yankees or Red Sox: how bout Orioles[ Here’s What I Think About ]
122: War: i respect the people fighting for our country and for others, but i wish everyone could just stop killing eachother
121: George Bush: gross
120: Gay Marriage: yay
119: The presidential election: grosser
118: Abortion: no judgement on whether or not someone decides to get one. Personally i dont think i could, but will always vote pro choice
117: MySpace: never had one so idk
116: Reality TV: can be entertaining but usually really dumb
115: Parents: i love them more than anything
114: Back stabbers: fuck you
113: Ebay: sketchy
112: Facebook: people are annoying and i hate that i live in hick central
111: Work: dont have ajob
110: My Neighbors: since 3 of my best friends are my neighbors, i guess theyre alright
109: Gas Prices: way too fucking high
108: Designer Clothes: dont care about them UNLESS its converse because thats my shit right there
107: College: start it in 5 months :(
106: Sports: love em but suck at em
105: My family: my rock and support, but they piss me off a lot
104: The future: scares the fuck out of me[ Last time I ]
103: Hugged someone: a few ninutes ago
102: Last time you ate: few hours ago
101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: about 2-3 weeks ago at the gym
100: Cried in front of someone: a few weeks ago i cried in front of abby because i found out kelsey has a girlfriend
99: Went to a movie theater: two weekends ago and saw Get Out and holy shit its good
98: Took a vacation: 2-3 years ago
97: Swam in a pool: 2 years ago i think
96: Changed a diaper: never
95: Got my nails done: little over a month ago
94: Went to a wedding: last summer
93: Broke a bone: never
92: Got a peircing: last spring
91: Broke the law: never i think?
90: Texted: about 2 seconds ago i texted Lacey[ MISC ]
89: Who makes you laugh the most: My lunch table
88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my cats and my moms hugs
87: The last movie I saw: i saw get out in theaters but watched thunderbirds for the millionth time in art so im a happy camper
86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: getting the fuck away from this place and these memories
85: The thing im not looking forward to: graduating, starting college, moving away, leaving my friends, leaving my animals, growing up, the list could go on forever
84: People call me: elizabeth, beth, bethany, lizzy, liz, bethyboo, bethers, bethy,
83: The most difficult thing to do is: move on and let go
82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: nope
81: My zodiac sign is: pisces
80: The first person i talked to today was: lacey or bea idrk
79: First time you had a crush: kindergarten
78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: no one, im pretty good with keeping a good face on
77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: i have no idea
76: Right now I am talking to: Lace💜👑
75: What are you going to do when you grow up: homicide detective or BAU
74: I have/will get a job: soon hopefully
73: Tomorrow: school, test, paint, facetime this beautiful girl, sleep
72: Today: school, test, painted, studied
71: Next Summer: senior weeek🤙🏻 and hopefully just simple hangouts with friends
70: Next Weekend: towson university visit
69: I have these pets: 2 cats (sadie and ziva) and 1 dog (westen oliver)
68: The worst sound in the world: hearing people chew or breathe hard
67: The person that makes me cry the most is: my ex
66: People that make you happy: my friends and parents
65: Last time I cried: last night
64: My friends are: the only reason im alive
63: My computer is: a Windows something
62: My School: sucks
61: My Car: doesnt exist
60: I lose all respect for people who: judge others with no reason and refuse to be nice
59: The movie I cried at was: if I stay
58: Your hair color is: dirty blonde/ light brown
57: TV shows you watch: criminal minds, shameless, the 100, friends, the fosters, lie to me, NCIS, scooby doo
56: Favorite web site: tumblr 
55: Your dream vacation: a lake house
54: The worst pain I was ever in was: recovery after my heart surgery and when they had to take out my chest tubes
53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium
52: My room is: messy but my favorite place
51: My favorite celebrity is: jennifer lawrence or ryan Reynolds or josh hucherson
50: Where would you like to be: childhood
49: Do you want children: yes
48: Ever been in love: ye
47: Who’s your best friend: the twins, fergs, abby, rat pack, stevie, hailey, bea
46: More guy friends or girl friends: girl friends
45: One thing that makes you feel great is: gaining more flexibility
44: One person that you wish you could see right now: jarred
43: Do you have a 5 year plan: not really
42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: sorta
41: Have you pre-named your children: yepp. Daesin, Fiona, tegan and ryan
40: Last person I got mad at: my dad
39: I would like to move to: maryland or deleware
38: I wish I was a professional: dancer[ My Favorites ]
37: Candy: gummy bears and kit kats or smarties
36: Vehicle: jeep Cherokee 
35: President: OBAMA
34: State visited: Florida
33: Cellphone provider: dunno
32: Athlete: Misty Copeland
31: Actor: Ryan Reynolds and Noel Fisher
30: Actress: Jennifer Lawrence
29: Singer: Amy Lee
28: Band: Evanescence
27: Clothing store: KOHLS
26: Grocery store: giant
25: TV show: shameless
24: Movie: thunderbirds or chitty chitty bang bang
23: Website: tumblr
22: Animal: monkey
21: Theme park: disney
20: Holiday: halloween
19: Sport to watch: allstar cheerleading or soccer
18: Sport to play: soccer
17: Magazine: dont have one but if i did i guess people?
16: Book: WAYYY too many
15: Day of the week: wednesday
14: Beach: bethany beach
13: Concert attended: evanescence even tho i couldnt see shit
12: Thing to cook: grilled cheese
11: Food: cheeseburger
10: Restaurant: green turtle
9: Radio station: 106.5
8: Yankee candle scent: i dunno
7: Perfume: hollister or ed hardy
6: Flower: rose
5: Color: purplr
4: Talk show host: my girl ellen
3: Comedian: jon Maloney, kevin heart, illiza shelshinger 
2: Dog breed: golden retriever 
1: Did you answer all these truthfully? Yeppers