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getitoutofmymindwrites · 10 months ago

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The crushing | joel miller x f!reader, 5.2k

Summary: This is the story of a man who had everything in the palm of his hand and traded it all for an empty space in the hollow of his heart. Or This story follows Joel, two to three years after he cheated on his wife.

Warnings: 18+ MDNI, ANGST, cheater!Joel, Joel's POV, this is NOT “The Falling” from Joel's POV, brief mention of smut (p i v) but nothing too graphic (I think), self-loathing, depression, therapy, flashbacks and memories from the past, alcohol consumption, Tommy being a supportive brother (eventually), as always let me know if I missed anything!

A/N: Ok, so, Joel gave me a whiplash on this one, he was either staring at me through the screen giving me nothing, or he was mumbling unintelligibly in my ear while I was trying to keep up with him. It started out as a final chapter, but I really think that this part should be Joel's POV and the next and -probably- final one should be the resolving, however that may come. I guess it can be read as a standalone, but if you're interested, it's a sequel to “The Falling”. I edited it seven thousand times because I kept adding things along the way, so I hope it all makes some sense and there are not too many mistakes.. Thank you for taking the time to read anything I write! Love you all! 🥰😘

P.S.: I just wanted to take a moment and let you know that I really appreciate everyone who has read, liked, commented, reblogged and asked about “The Falling”. I honestly didn't think a single soul would take the time to read that kind of story. It means more than you know and I didn’t take lightly how close to home this fic hit for some people; yet you’ve given it a chance, sharing some of your own experiences with me. I love you all, take care and I'll see you -hopefully- in the comments! 🥹🫂

Dividers by @cafekitsune & @saradika-graphics

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...need your reassurance...

...your only focus…

...for the foreseeable future...

He did make it his sole focus. Because of course, he closed the deal, even after he left that damn table like a madman. He still found a way to get what he wanted. That's the man he was. And he wasn't sure if he hated himself for it or not. But self-loathing was a daily occurrence now, so one more reason added to the list was nothing he couldn't handle.

For two years he would wake up every day, is it called waking up if he doesn’t sleep at all?, he would work his ass off, he would go home, he would sink into despair and then he would start all over again the next day. A vicious cycle consisting of 730 days in a row. The deafening silence within the walls of the house was excruciating, the loneliness was unbearable. Even the light penetrating through the windows seemed different than when you were there with him, a dullness surrounding every corner of the now barely lived in space.

You. He hadn’t seen your face in 730 days. He hadn’t smelled your scent or touched your soft skin. He barely listened to your voice anymore, any form of unavoidable communication, you preferred to be conducted by the lawyers, or via text messages, at the most. At the 731st one, he finally knew, something had to change. He couldn’t repeat another day, like all the others that came and went. He simply couldn’t.

Tommy suggested that therapy might help Joel, a few times, but he refused every one of them. Maria was keeping her distance, her place was delicate, being his brother’s wife but also his wife’s best friend. Surprisingly, she was the one who finally got through to him.

“Are you gonna stay a recluse for the rest of your miserable life, then?” Maria wonders, switching her gaze between Joel and the dining room. Everything was untouched, as you left them when you moved out, but the place felt empty, depressing, probably mirroring Joel’s existence.

Joel sighs, closing his eyes briefly. “I’m not a recluse..”, he snarls through his teeth, rolling his eyes at her. He was more than eager to be done with the dinner his sister-in-law insisted on having in his house and be left alone, in his natural state. Alone. Infuriating woman.

“What do you call that?”, Maria persists, goddamn lawyer to the bone.

“What?!” Joel spits back pissed off, looking at his brother next, for support.

“That!” she gestures around his body and his surroundings. “The way you go on for the past two years! Either get over it or do something about it!”, she doesn’t hold back, even when Tommy proposes a gentler approach. Yeah, look where it got you, is the paid answer, so Tommy steps back, shaking his head and raising his hands up in surrender.

“You’ve got him on a leash, hm?”, Joel jokes absentmindedly, “Can you breathe alright, Tommy boy?”, earning himself a hard glare from Maria.

“Maybe the wrong Miller is on a leash..” Maria mutters, causing Tommy’s eyes to widen in horror.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”, Joel retorts doing a double back at her.

“Means that freedom is for those who can bear it.”, Maria throws her napkin on her plate and leaves the room. Joel remains silent, pondering the meaning of her words. It would be a long time before he understood what she meant.

Therapy was hard.

Therapy was hard because he had to do it for himself. He had to concentrate on himself. He thought, being the contractor that he was, that he would walk into the room, get the answers he needed and fix his marriage, just as he rearranged the bricks and the wood and the steel on the construction sites.

But this wasn’t about his marriage. His marriage and the way it crumbled down was the aftermath, he came to learn. It was the outcome of insecurities, selfishness, lack of communication, ungratefulness.

He got it all wrong. Everything. Every little thing. He had to rewire his brain and change every point of view he was holding onto. Honesty. Honesty was the key.

“Why didn’t you reach out to your wife after that night?”, his therapist insists.

“I respected her boundaries.”, Joel was quick to respond.

“And what were those?”

“She didn’t want to see me.”

“Did she say that?”

“No-, I mean-, the way she left that night, she didn’t say much in general. But she blocked my number, so.”, he shrugs in defence.

“So, how can you be so sure that she didn't want to see you? Even if you're right, it doesn't mean that she didn't expect a reaction from you, or that you weren't allowed to try, if that’s what you wanted.”

“Why would she? I upset her, she needed time to think, work things out.”, Joel explains.

The therapist swipes her fingers over her lips, contemplating her approach. “Joel, you walk into your bedroom, into what is supposed to be a safe place and you see your partner with another person in an intimate moment. How does that make you feel? Just say the first words that come to mind.”, his therapist changes the point of view.

Joel shudders just at the thought of it. You, naked, flushed, lips parted and swollen, skin sweaty, breaths short and pupils blown wide, coming for anyone other than him. It would utterly destroy him. “Furious, pissed, betrayed, heartbroken.. I think I would lose it, if I’m honest.” he admits instantly, in his haste to throw the abomination of this image from his thoughts.

“I see. But in her case, you think your wife was just upset?”

“No, of course not.” Joel slightly frowns, shaking his head.

“Do you think she felt all those feelings that you just described to me?”

“I believe so, yes.”, god this is so hard.

“You believe so?” the therapist pushes, again.

Joel’s nostrils flare from the sharp inhale, “I know so.”

“So, she wasn’t just upset.” the therapist concludes and Joel agrees without meeting her eyes, “No, she wasn’t.”

Over time, Joel came to realize that his choice of words was a subconscious attempt to diminish the seriousness of his actions.

“You said in a previous session that you gave space to your wife to work things out.”

“Yeah, it was only fair.”, Joel confirms.

“So, it was hard for you to give her that space?”

“Yes, of course, I missed her every day.”

“Was that a constant in your relationship?”, the therapist wonders.

“I’m sorry, I don’t follow.”

“How did you work things out as a couple, before? I assume you had difficult times as partners, no?”

“Nothing major to be honest, my wife was a very calm and reasonable person. If anything occurred she would talk to me about it.”

“And how did you respond to that?”

“Uh, I was there to listen, we always found a solution together as a couple.”

“Hmhm, so, what changed this time?”

“What do you mean?” He knew exactly what she meant.

“Why didn’t you talk to her? Communicate with her? Maybe help her see your side of things, like you did before, find your way out of this together, as partners.” his therapist explains. “And even before the infidelity, did you let her know that something was bothering you, that you felt differently?”

"I didn't feel differently about my wife. My feelings for her never changed.", he immediately corrects her. "My love for her was never the problem," he confesses and it's the first time since his therapy began that he's shared something so personal, so private.

“But there was a problem, something was wrong if you felt the need to be intimate with another woman. So, why did you keep that from her?”

Joel opens his mouth already knowing he does not have an answer. Or that he doesn't want to give one. He shakes his head, raising his brows in a silent admission that he can’t answer that. Or he won't. His gaze is fixed on a loose thread on the fabric of the couch, his fingers keep picking on it.

“Joel?”

“I- I don’t know what you want me to say, I don’t know.” he keeps shaking his head. He can’t answer that. He won't.

He was so angry when he left the session that day. He was so angry at you. He was angry at your honesty, your clarity, your courage to have a mind of your own and to speak it freely, knowing full well that probably no one else shared the same opinions as you did. That's what he loved most about you, but now he hated it.

“Own it, Joel. Own what you have done. At least that way it will be worth something. Otherwise it was all for nothing.”

This was one of the last things you said to him on the phone, while he was trying to persuade you to change your mind about the divorce. You were always so brave about those matters. Matters of the heart, of integrity. He remembers you always talking about things that he found admirable but utopian. Easy in theory, hard in practice.

“I need to be able to sleep at night. I need to own my decisions; not because I’m always right, far from it, but at least I know I’m being honest with myself. And that matters.” he recalls one of your late-night talks.

You usually found it easier to share your most vulnerable thoughts once you were thoroughly fucked and satiated. When Joel held you in his arms, your breaths almost shared over the same pillow, your scents and your fluids mixed together.

“We’re all imperfect beings, flawed; we all feel embarrassed when we fuck up,” you continue, “it’s hard to admit our mistakes to others, I get that. But deep down we always know what we’re doing and why we’re doing it. Admitting it only helps us to be present in our lives.”

“Be present?”, Joel seems fascinated by the way your mind weaves your thoughts together into deeply rooted beliefs.

“Yes, my love, there's no greater freedom than to live your life truthfully.” you smile at him, softly. Your sleepy eyes roam his face affectionately. Your fingertips caress his jawline, your thumb pressing lightly against the bare patch of his beard. He can feel your devotion pouring from your fingers and sinking into his skin at that moment.

“That’s one of my greatest fears, you know. Living my life in ignorance, in a lie.”, you whisper your deepest insecurity against his soft lips. His hold on you tightens as he rolls you onto your back, nestling his hips between your welcoming thighs. You are safe in these arms. His arms. You surrender to him, body and soul. You can feel his growing erection pressing between your folds, already wet from your combined releases. He tenderly brushes his lips against yours and slowly licks his way into your parted mouth, as he intertwines his fingers with yours. He enters you in one fluid, slow thrust, his warm exhale cooling your wet lips. “Then let me give you something real.”

Thinking back to those moments, Joel couldn't reconcile himself to the fact that he was the one who had brought that fear of yours to life. What broke him was that it was not a lie. Your life together had not been a lie. He loved you. In fact, he was burning up for you. He was a man of control, but not with you. Never with you. You consumed his every thought; being around you for too long made his lungs constrict in pain, begging for a deep breath. Sometimes he was worried sick that if he completely let himself love you like he needed to, he would suffocate you. He loved you. And it killed him that his actions suggested otherwise.

But at some point he had to be honest with himself. He was just protecting his ego. He was trying to get the upper hand out of a shitty, compromising situation. He wasn't being thoughtful, he was being selfish. He was biding his time. He thought the longer he left ‘it’ untouched, the less it would hurt when the inevitable time of confrontation came. He was scared out of his mind that he would lose you forever. No second chances, no redemption, no reconciliation.

No lingering scent on his pillow as your hair pools there, under his chin, as you nestle your face between his neck and shoulder, breathing him in. No laughter through the enormous house, damn, why did he build it so big; you never clarified what the disbelief in your eyes meant when he said he built this house for you, while he pulls you up on your feet for a silly cowboy dance.

No more gentle touches, no more noses brushing together as a silent goodbye in the kitchen before you rush off to work. No more turning around just before you open the door to leave, running to him like a little girl, giving him quick, hungry pecks on the lips while he laughs on your mouth, squeezes your butt cheek and slaps it playfully to say goodbye. Later, baby, he would promise you, his teeth nipping at your earlobe and he could feel your skin crawling with anticipation.

No more I love yous, either breathed, either whispered, either panted, as he makes a home for himself inside your warmth.

When did he fuck you last? He used to have you every day. You craved it every day. You craved him. Why did he stop telling you he loved you every chance he got? When was the last time you said it?

A week before that fateful night, when you touched him longingly, aching for him to touch you back and he told you he had work to do, he wasn’t a teenager anymore. Why the hell did he say that? Why did he sit there and watch the light fading from your eyes? I love you, you said with a sigh against his temple and walked out of his office defeated. Why did you say that? Did you know? Did you suspect? Why didn’t you fight him? You should have said something, anything, pushed him, punched him in the chest, woken him up. Would he have woken up? Or did he need that to come to his senses? Does he have to fall? Does this falling ever stop? Does he have to let you go? Will you come back to him? Does he deserve you?

Days blurred seamlessly into one another. Joel drifted further and further away from everyone. The house haunted him, all the progress he was making within the therapy walls was dissipating once he stepped inside the cold space of his empty house. Leaving the confines of it was his first thought in the morning, while he hurriedly dressed to go to his office far earlier than necessary and his last when he closed his eyes, as he laid his weary limbs on the couch, chasing still your now long gone scent on its fabric, knowing another sleepless night was his only companion until the first rays of sunlight hit the floor-to-ceiling windows to announce the beginning of another day.

People at work tiptoed around him, not knowing how to act. It was as if he was there, but not really. He was focused solely on the Marks project, mechanically going through board meetings, paperwork and supervising the construction site. He. Just. Wasn’t. There.

Joel, will you please sign the papers?

He simply stares at the text message for a good full minute, his thumbs hovering over the screen of his phone. This was one of the rare occasions you had initiated communication with him, always about the progress of the divorce.

No, no, I won’t, the little toddler in him screams, stamping his little feet on the ground.

The papers are not ready.

Joel texts back. He keeps it simple, frightened he might not get an answer back.

Joel, we both know they are. I don’t want any of your assets or your money; this is an easy signature, please.

An easy signature? You think he cares about the houses, or the cars, or the money?

You know I can’t accept that. The house is yours and so is a good part of the money.

The point was to share this house together, Joel, don’t you think us splitting up kind of defeats the purpose? And what on earth makes you think I would ever want to go back in there?

So, there’s nothing I can do to make this easier for you?

Easier? You think money or property can make up for what you’ve done?

Of course not, I wasn’t implying anything like that. Just wanna do something for you, anything.

Can you turn back time?

Of course, he can't. So, he doesn't know what to say to that. He just keeps staring at the screen, lost in thought. After 2 minutes another text follows.

You know I can’t..

Sign the papers. Please.

“Is there anything in particular you want to talk about today, or should I take the lead?”

“Actually I’ve been thinking a lot about that night.”, Joel suggests for the first time. He usually lets the therapist decide where to steer the conversation, then simply refuses to elaborate until he feels ready to talk.

“What about it?”, he shifts his gaze from the window to the direction of her voice.

“I should probably rephrase that. I’m always thinking about that night, repeating it in my head again and again and I’m troubled by something I realized.”

His therapist nods to signal that she's listening.

“Why did she just leave? The more I think about it, the more it doesn’t make sense to me. She just left. No shouting, no breaking things, no attacking either me or-”, her. “Why she didn’t stay? Why she didn’t insist that I leave? She was just- so quiet.”

The therapist smiles in recognition of Joel's near breakthrough. They were beginning to get somewhere, his empathy nudging him under the surface.

“I'm really glad you mentioned that, Joel, so I'd like to take you back to that night and try to understand what might have been going through your wife's mind at that moment," she explains.

“So, she walks into the house, finds her safe space violated by her husband, and she chooses to handle the situation calmly and quietly-” Joel tries to stop her, but she already knows what he's going to ask. “I can't tell you why she chose that path, that's for her to answer, only she knows why.” His therapist continues, “She is making one request of you and one request only, can you tell me what it is?”

“She asked me to leave the house.”

“Hmhm.” the therapist looks at him expectantly.

“I just wanted to talk to her.”, Joel elaborates, “I thought that if I refused to leave, she would accept to listen to me.”

“So you forced your needs on her, while she was in a particularly fragile state of mind.”

“I should have made my intentions clearer, you mean?”

“I mean, that maybe you shouldn’t have had any expectations in the first place. Why do you think was so important to you, to explain yourself right at that moment?”

“Because I knew it was probably the last time I would see her for a while, I just wanted to ease her pain, why is that so wrong? Should I be indifferent? Would that be better?”

“Did it ever occur to you that you might be depriving her of her right to choose?” Come on, Joel, break some eggs.

Joel now begins to make connections. He rubs his hand over his face, the realization of what has really happened crushing him. “Oh, god, I-” He's been so selfish from the start. He hasn't shown you any respect, not even at this delicate moment. He didn't give you a choice as to whether you wanted to listen to him or not. He didn't even let you choose where you wanted to stay. He just made you leave the house. Did he make you believe he wanted you to leave? That he wanted her to stay? Because he didn’t. Fuck. “-I never thought about it like that.”

Fuck.

How could he be so blind? Why was he so blind?

His therapist insisted on it. Because no matter how much progress Joel made over the course of a year, he never revealed the true reason behind his infidelity.

“Joel, we’ve talked about a lot of things; you’ve tried really hard to make this all about your wife and about understanding what she was feeling and how your actions have affected her, but as I keep reminding you”, she smiles understandingly, “you’re the one in therapy, you need to heal your wounds before you even attempt to heal hers. And although it is in fact a really noble thought, this” she gestures between them, “can only work if you do it for yourself. I know it may sound selfish, but I promise you, it is not. It is the exact opposite.”

Fuck.

“Yeah?”, his voice hoarse from sleep as he answers the door after the insistent knock at it. Tommy looks at him surprised once he opens it, “You’re sleeping, already?”. No, he wasn’t. He wouldn’t call it that. But when he goes almost a week without any proper rest, passing out is the right word for what he’s doing. “Yeah, I guess I dosed off..” Joel lies. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to see you.” Tommy responds as he squeezes himself through the door to enter the house. “Yeah, sure, come on in.”, Joel mutters under his breath. “You just saw me at work this morning, is everything all right?”

“I just came to check on you.” Tommy confesses uncomfortably.

“You could have called.”

“Would you have answered?” Tommy deadpans.

Touché.

“Tell Maria I’m fine, Tommy, no need to worry about me; go spend the night where it counts.”, Joel replies in an attempt to push him away, as he walks farther into the house, rounding the kitchen island.

“Hey, brother, I’m here, I am here for you.” Tommy’s eyes narrow in pain and concern as he stares at his sibling's back, following behind him.

Joel exhales hard through his nose, his grip tight as he grabs the edges of the counter, his head lowering between his shoulder blades.

“You shouldn’t, nobody should.” Joel sighs, rubbing the pads of his fingers across his forehead.

“Ok, that’s enough.” Tommy snaps at him. “Enough self-loathing, enough resignation. Enough. You’ve punished yourself enough.”

Joel laughs at that. “Is that right? Is it enough for you? What about her?” he asks, his head turned to the side, looking at his brother over his shoulder.

“What?” Tommy is genuinely confused.

Joel turns his back, resting his waist on the edge of the counter, now looking straight at Tommy. “I should have what? Just get on with my life? Let it all be water under the bridge? Disrespect her even more?”

“Jesus..” Tommy mutters, pinching the bridge of his nose with one hand, the other resting on his hip, his eyes shut in frustration.

“Are you doing this for her? Does she even know that?”

“It doesn’t matter, Tommy!” Joel raises his voice, exasperated. “I’m not doing this for her, I’m not doing anything for her, apparently and that’s the problem.”, his voice breaks, the lump in his throat too big to push down. “She’s not here anymore, Tommy.” he’s standing fully on his feet now, pushing himself away from the counter, leaning slightly forward, like he’s trying to make his brother understand; his eyes are glazed, Tommy had never seen him so devastated before. “She’s gone. I’ve lost her.”, his palms clenched in fists in front of his chest, resisting the urge to wrap them around his shirt and rip it to shreds, as he wants to do with his heart.

“I thought therapy was working..” Tommy whispers, his eyes dropping to the floor beneath him.

“Oh, it’s working, all right!” Joel chuckles in irony, sniffing his nose. “I’m getting a front-row seat, witnessing what a piece of shit I am-”

“Hey!” Tommy tries to cut him off.

“-what on earth was she doing with me to begin with, is beyond me.”

“HEY!” Tommy's eyes bulge out of his sockets, angry at his brother's self-deprecating words. Joel bends his waist forward, puts his elbows on the island in front of him and lets his head sink in again.

“Ok.” Tommy breathes deeply to ground himself, his hands in a position of a prayer in front of his mouth, “Ok, we could both use a drink.” he realizes, as he moves to open the cupboard to grab two tumblers and the whiskey from the shelf with the drinks. “..or five.”

The two brothers drink their first round in silence, both calming their nerves down. Tommy refills their glasses without asking; he knows this is going to be a long night.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.” Tommy begins, pushing Joel’s drink back towards him. Joel wringles his brows in confusion, “What are you talking about? You’re always there for me.”

“No, I haven’t, not really.” Tommy admits, “I let Maria take over when all this happened and I’m sorry.”

“There was nothing you could do, Tommy, don’t sweat it.”

“Let me say this, please.” Tommy raises his hand, his palm facing his brother. “I was just- fuck, we all knew how much you loved her, how much you loved each other, so when it all went down, I just didn’t know how to deal with it. What to say to you, how to comfort you. I didn't know how to deal with you.”

“You blamed me.” Joel says matter-of-factly.

“No-”, Tommy weakly refuses but Joel shakes his head dismissively, interrupting him. “It’s ok, Tommy, you should.”

Tommy looks embarrassed, his cheeks slightly pinkish, not only from the whiskey. “It’s just that I- I couldn’t reconcile the image of the man you were with her, with.. you know..”, he stutters.

“..the image of a cheater. Say it.” Joel adds.

Tommy shakes his head, like he still can't believe what's happened. “Besides, while she was staying with us those first few weeks I saw how devastated she was, man- she was a shell of a woman, so I was confused, I didn’t know how-”

“Tommy. Tommy, it’s fine.” Joel feels his skin crawl visualizing you like that in his head, cutting his brother off once again; he deserves every ounce of mistrust and he knows it.

“No, it’s not.” Tommy insists. “Yes, you fucked up. Brother, you really did. You did a number on her-”, Joel’s body tenses instantly at his brother’s words, his jaw clenching as his eyes darken, moving down to his hands, his grip on the tumbler tightening, his knuckles turning white and Tommy stops abruptly, “shit, sorry, I didn’t mean-”, his face twitches with regret.

“It’s the truth. That’s exactly what I did.” Joel’s gaze seems detached as if he's somewhere else right now.

“What I meant to say, is that I should have been there for you in spite of what has happened. I can see you're suffering, it's taking its toll on you, it has been for some time now; tell me what I can do. How can I help you?” Tommy seems almost desperate, like he’s the one in need of redemption.

Your text flashes through his mind, can you turn back time?, making him smile bitterly.

“Can you turn back time?” Joel's repeating your question and as the words leave his mouth he can feel your presence next to him. That's the most he felt of you for the last three years. He's almost blissful.

“You know I can't.” Tommy sighs. Joel laughs earnestly, the irony of the moment too good not to appreciate.

“Joel, brother, please, just talk to me. Help me understand. You act like you’re the one who’s been cheated on. So, what happened? Why did you do it?” Tommy is pleading with him to give him anything.

Silence fills the room for much longer than either of them would like. Joel feels torn between telling his brother everything or keeping his mouth shut. He wants to tell him, he hasn’t told a soul, but he’s not sure he can get the words out. He’s not sure he can bear to hear the words coming out of his mouth. He’s not sure he can substantiate it, make it real. Because that’s how it feels. He talks about it and it becomes real.

But maybe this is the right thing to do. That’s what needs to be done. He needs to talk about it. He needs to tell the truth and admit the pain he’s caused. Make it real for you, too. Perhaps it is time for him to give you what is rightfully yours. Acknowledgment.

Joel’s made up his mind. He’s gonna talk to Tommy. He lifts his glass to down his drink for some liquid courage, freezing his hand in mid-air as the next words fall from his brother’s mouth. “First of all, who was it?”

“What?” Joel's eyes search Tommy’s through his glass for an explanation.

“Who did you do?”, Tommy clarifies.

Joel feels like he’s been struck by lightning. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Who did you fuck, Joel?”, Tommy begins to feel confused, are they not on the same page here?

“You don’t know?”, Joel can barely speak now, his voice low in shock.

“No one does, not even Maria; she never told anyone.”

You told nobody? Not even your best friend? Why on earth would you do that? Did you feel ashamed? Was it just too much to talk about?

But his brain takes pity on him, helping him for once to understand. He’s connecting the dots while your voice fills the corners of his mind through his memories. His head is swarming with images of you standing in that walk-in closet, remembering what you said the last time he saw you. You’re the one I married, not her. I expected better from you, Joel, not her.

You were right.

It didn’t matter who it was. That is why. He was the one making the choice. He was the one breaking his promises, breaking your trust, breaking your heart; breaking you. He was the one who should have known better. He was the one who should have been honest. Easy in theory, hard in practice.

He feels a fresh wave of pain scattering through his body. He welcomes it. Damn, he’s craving it. He’s glad you chose to withhold the identity of the woman. Not because somehow it’s making it easier for him to defend himself, on the contrary.

There’s no one else to blame. Nobody. Just him. All of the anger, the resentment, the disappointment, all of them on him. He embraces them all. Everything. He will take it all, swallow it down and let it rot inside of him.

Joel tells Tommy everything. Everything, but her name.

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Taglist: @southernbe, @orcasoul, @auteurdelabre

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writingwithcolor · 1 year ago

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Author with cultural disconnect: How do I write without making it seem as if I hate my own heritage?

Anonymous asked:

I’m a white-passing Asian author, and I’ve never felt all that connected with my heritage. My current story centers on a fairy (re: fantasy-world POC) child and ends with her realizing that her parents are toxic af and her human best friend’s family takes her in. This is the perfect opportunity to sort through my own issues with my heritage and finally convince my monkey-brain that it’s okay to not know how to cook Vietnamese food or celebrate tet or speak Vietnamese… But I also realize that if I’m not careful, this could easily slip into “Hey, I hate my heritage and so should you!” So how can I stop that from happening?

Writing for yourself first, not an audience

I ask you a simple question: why put pressure on yourself to have any sort of non-offensive messaging for a story that hasn’t been drafted yet and is to convince your monkey brain it’s okay to exist as yourself?

That seems like the fastest way to stop the story from being actually cathartic and instead a performance art piece when you already feel hung up on performing as “properly” part of your culture.

As I said in Working Through Identity Issues and Other Pitfalls of Representation, not all stories you write need to be for public consumption. Especially stories you’re using for your own self-processing and therapy, because you’re trying to get a cathartic moment that is rewriting your own story.

At what point does the public need to be involved in that?

I do understand the compulsion to want to post—I have definitely posted some Questionable™ material in my drive to get validation for feeling the way I do, wanting people to witness me and say “same.” It’s a powerful urge. Sometimes it’s worked, but most of the time it’s just made me feel horrifically exposed.

But you really do not have to post in public to get any sort of validation. Set up a groupchat with friends if you want the cheerleading and witnessing—people who will know your story and give you good-faith interpretations and won’t accuse you of anything. Honestly I’d suggest setting up this groupchat anyway; as someone who just got one again after quite a few years without it, my productivity has skyrocketed from being around supportive people.

Let the monkey brain have its monkey brain moment and shut off the concept the story is for the public. Shut off the concept of performing for an unknown audience. It’s for you. Be authentic, no matter how bad it would look to outsiders. They’re not reading it. Part of getting catharsis, sometimes, is being the worst version of yourself, somewhere nobody else can see it.

Deciding to publish the work

If, after you do write it, you find that you actually do want to polish it up and put it somewhere… edit it. Rewrite it entirely if that’s what it takes. Take the story through the same drafting process every story needs to go through, ripping out the unfortunate implications as you go.

Editing can be its own form of healing, as you try to figure out what this character would need to not be hateful. As you realize, once this longform journal entry is out of your head, what was bothering you now that you can see it pinned down on a page. But you absolutely do not need to write with the intention of editing in that healing. When I’ve tried, it’s fallen flat.

The healing will come from being yourself, no public involved, and writing about your feelings in their rawest form. Anything else is extra.

There’s no point in trying to put guard rails on the drafting process, not for a deeply personal piece. And by the time that drafting process is done, you’ll likely have specific scenarios and contexts that you can ask about, and you might even have ideas on how to fix it yourself once the story has a shape to it.

This is 100% a situation where there’s no real sense in idea workshopping something in the plotting stage. You’re doing something for you. Decide if it’s for public consumption later (while acknowledging “no” is a perfectly valid answer), and only figure out how to make the story not overtly harmful if you decide to put it out into the public.

~ Leigh

#culture #cultural disconnect #creator responsibility #writing #authors of color #asks

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moviecritc · 6 months ago

Text

✦ ˚ : · MEDIA DAYS ⋆ CARLOS SAINZ 🦢

pairing ☆ carlos sainz x f1 influencer! reader

summary ☆ where after an interview together, carlos is fascinated by you and doesn't miss the chance of hitting on you

warnings ☆ lando hate bc i hate him sm i can't stand him i swear to god i can't with that guy. i used lissie mackintosh as a fc bc she has good material, but i don't support her at all

masterlist | letterboxd

❛ if they call me a slut, it might be worth it for once❜

yourusername just posted!

liked by carlossainz55, skysports and 172,031 others

yourusername Can't wait to show you guys all the content this guys and I've been doing

tagged; @/carlossainz55, @/charlesleclerc

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user1 she's living every girl's dream

carlossainz55 Loved to work with you, I had so much fun! 🤞 liked by author

user2 OK I'M JEALOUS user3 oh hi carlos

user4 Leave this work for someone who knows how to do it

user5 go back to your 9 to 5 dickhead user6 🤏

user7 i want to be like her when i grow up (i'm 26)

user8 HAHSHAHA me too girl me too

landonorris now interview me, having dinner with you

yourusername no thanks x user9 LMAOO i just love how much y/n hates lando

yourusername just posted!

liked by carlossainz55, lilymhe and 56,873 others

yourusername off the asphalt

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user10 she's soft launching??

lilymhe so many queens on this dump (including cleo, obviously)

yourusername cleo is the queenest of all of us

user11 my goal is soft launching in a yatch out of nowhere

alexandrasaintmleux cleo is the cutest omg!!

yourusername i wish leo and her fall in love, but i think she's a lesbian user12 IJBOL user13 honestly i think too that cleo is a lesbian

user14 that flowers omg

landonorris cool pics

yourusername thanks now leave.

user15 i can't believe she's soft launching

user16 THAT SHOULD BE ME

user17 face card never declines

carlossainz55 cleo has a bit of y/n in her face

user18 ariana what are you doing here user19 this friendship out of nowhere??? user20 wait i knew that hand on the second pic was familiar user21 IS CARLOS?? user22 oh that's not... user23 OF COURSE she's dating a f1 driver

user24 now it makes sense why you got into f1 so easily

carlossainz55 just posted a story!

[caption: best passenger princess]

replies

user25 so it's official?

user26 carlos wtf

user27 that's cleo lol

user28 you could do so much better

yourusername casually steals my dog

carlossainz55 I'M TAKING HER TO SIGHSEE while her mother is working

carlossainz55 just posted!

liked by landonorris, yourusername and 451,923 others

carlossainz55 London off the track

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user29 please tell me that's NOT y/n

user30 nah carlos leave y/n alone

user31 i really thought she was trying to make motorsports more visible to girls and she was just trying to be a wag

user32 she's just a gold digger like the others

user33 we lost him guys 😔

user34 we lost her*

user35 wait who's the girl? and why is everybody hating?

user36 everyone thinks is y/n, a journalist and f1 influencer that has been working for introducing more women and girl to the sport. and everyone is hating bc she represented all the women who wanted to have a future in f1, and now we found out that it was only for dating one of the drivers user37 i mean ig it sucks but dating a man doesn't take the fact that she can still do her job user38 but all the message for the girls is gone

user39 hell nah

yourusername just posted!

liked by carlosssainz55, franciscac.gomes and 98,270 others

yourusername Been reading so many opinions about my own private life and I thought that the best thing I can do is address this because I'd never imagine I could dissapoint so many people just for loving someone.

I've been working really hard making a name in this industry because I love motorsports, not for any other reasons. And I wasn't aware of being a role model until now, which is something I'm still getting used to it. But overall, who I choose to date has nothing to do with my job.

Dating the amazing man that Carlos is was just a perk of working in F1, and even though I'm technically a wag now (it's really weird to worded 😨) I will keep working hard in F1 and other categories for the love I have for this industry.

I'll see you on the next race 💕💕

comments have been limited

carlossainz55 You're the most hard working person I've ever met, I love you hermosa 💕

yourusername I love you too baby 🥹🥹

scuderiaferrari We can't wait to see you on the Ferrari hospitality liked by author

lilymhe I'm obsessed with you btw

landonorris fan of your relationship 😍🫀

yourusername Go away

☆ request by: anon

Could you do a smau w Carlos falling for an f1 influencer?

a/n: this was so hard somehow?? idk why i had zero inspiration this past week, but here it is. it's a bit short but i like it <3

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st1llm0nster · 4 months ago

Text

love to hate me

Situationship!jungwon x fem!reader

synopsis : “How you love to hate me”. You and Jungwon were in a situation ship for a while and well, you knew he was talking to other people the entire time. You were always his last choice, you honestly thought he hated you by that point. You were over it, over him, all he did was hate on you. He made sure you were always at your lowest but as soon as he got you there, he would sweet talk you, to keep you in his loop. You always ignored his red flags and It worked every time you went back to him, but you knew he wasn’t worth your love and you needed to get over him or fix your problems. You did just that.

wc : 4,118

warnings: fluff, pet names (darling, sweetheart, etc.), TOXIC Jungwon, swearing, Jungwon is just an ass, idk if I would call this angst but we'll go with it, Kim Chaewon and Kim Minjeong are slightly mentioned, sleeping on call

taglist (perm) : @hmusunoo @shypen @belovedhoon @lonelybutterflytae @vveebee (added vee the #1 Jungwon stan)

a/n : literally no one asked for this but I don't care 🤗

NOW PLAYING : love to hate me - blackpink

story below cut

You met Jungwon at college orientation, and since then you knew that you needed him in your life. He was beautiful and tall; he had the most perfect fluffy brown hair and the broadest shoulders. Anyone would've fallen for him too; I mean they did, it made sense why he had so many girls around him all the time. You wanted him to notice you, so of course you would try to get him to acknowledge you, and eventually, it worked. You even were able to get his phone number, something most of those girls hadn’t gotten.

You planned on texting him later that day until you received a message first: “We should meet up sometime, like the movies?”. You screamed upon the sight of that, he didn’t say it was a date, but you just assumed so, what guy asks a girl to hang out as friends? You made sure to look your best for that date even if it was a movie theater and it would be dark you still wanted him to like you.

You arrived at the movie theater early and waited for him. Waited. Waited. And waited for at least two hours, but he wasn’t there. You got a message on your phone, and it read “Sorry sweetheart I had to cancel; important things came up”. So, you left, you weren’t mad or anything just disappointed. It broke your heart a little bit especially when you had put in so much effort into everything, hoping it would be perfect.

That wasn’t the first time Jungwon had done that, but he always knew ways to cheer you up and keep you pining on him. He would gift you flowers at random parts of the day, slide your notes on your desk, randomly hug you then run away. All of that just so you would stay and keep wanting him. He needed the thrill of having as many girls as possible and if that meant canceling one date to be on another, he would do it, just so happens that the dates he would cancel would be yours.

Eventually, he did take you on that prolonged date; to a café, you guys sat down and got some coffee and pastries. It was fun, you loved his company, and he was nice to be around. Sure, he had broken your heart a few times but it’s not like he never made up for it. Jungwon knew the ways to keep you happy with him, he made sure that you never lost interest.

Of course, you hadn’t noticed these signs and if you did you chose to ignore them. You knew you needed to be the girl to last the longest, that’s how you would get the guy, right? To say the least, you went out with Jungwon a few more times, none of which he was on time for. You both still had fun on those dates even if he would be texting other girls while you two were hanging out. Again, you just needed to be there the longest and make him notice you the most.

It was one of your date days, and as you could’ve guessed he stood you up. At this point, it hurt more than you’d like to admit especially when you thought he was finally starting to like you the most, guess not. You ended up as his last choice over and over, he started standing you up more often and eventually stopped planning dates altogether. Yeah, it was better to not expect anything when there were no dates to look forward to but then again it made your heart hurt to see that he could be perfectly fine without you and just going on all these other dates.

Needless to say, you missed those dates you went on. He hadn’t called you to ask you out or anything. You were disappointed and to be honest you wanted to be in his presence. Jungwon had texted you stating “Hey, Y/N I know I missed out on a few dates of ours but I'm free this Friday if you want to go to the mall together?” “Let me know.”. Your jaw was on the floor in shock, you thought he hated you and ghosted you, but maybe not, maybe this was your chance to make it so he doesn’t keep doing this.

Surprise, surprise! He stood you up (again) and called you saying “Hey, darling I can’t make it, I'm so sorry let me make it up to you” you started saying “No, I'm done, it’s been countless of times that you've done this and quite literally I feel as though you hate me!” you paused “I wanted this to work Jungwon, but you clearly have other priorities, and it's not me.” “Sweetheart no,” “Don’t call me that Jungwon, I'm not your sweetheart, not after this” you stopped him. Jungwon sighs over the line “Okay, fine Y/N I'm sorry just let me make things right I like you, really” “No, no you don’t you never did, you just want your girl count to be the biggest in the uni” you state “I'm hanging up now, goodnight Jungwon I hope you had fun on your date” starting again as you hang up.

JUNGWON POV

“Fuck, I thought I totally had her too” I say as I start to text another girl. Yeah, sure I felt bad for Y/N, but it was all part of my game, I needed the most girls to stay pined on me for as long as possible. A lot of them were pretty yeah, but I couldn’t think about that right now all I needed was to break 10 months.

END ON JUNGWON POV

You had gotten a message from Jungwon asking to meet you at a nearby coffee shop to make up for everything and like the stupid girl you are, you agreed. You had arrived at the coffee shop ten minutes prior to your meetup time, and you had sat down at a corner booth. As you thought would happen you had waited for him just to no show. Being annoyed you had opened your phone up and checked Instagram just to see he had posted a story of him and another girl being close and they were obviously on a date.

Pissed off, you had started to walk out of the coffee shop running into nonother than Jungwon himself. “Y/N, I'm so, so sorry I didn't mean to be late or miss this date at all” Jungwon began as soon as he noticed it was you who bumped into him. Tears streaming down your eyes you had started to speak “Jungwon. You've done this time and time again, and I gave you multiple chances to redeem yourself but you always do this” you take a heavy breath, letting out the oxygen you held before “I can’t do this, us, we never work, and I'm just convinced you hate me!” “I’m done sucking up to you in hopes of you noticing me, I want to be the one who people suck up to.” you cry out.

Jungwon didn’t know what to do, yeah, he’s made girls cry just not like this. It was all new for him he had never made a girl cry to this extent, you quite literally were wailing in front of him. All he could think of was to hug you, so that’s what he did. You were completely and utterly shocked at him suddenly hugging you. It honestly felt great, just what you needed, someone embracing you whilst at your worst, let alone it be the man doing it all to you.

You hugged him back as you cried in his arms, not exactly the best impression to give the guy you like, but oh well. You had pulled away, the shock still showing on your face. “Hey, I'm sorry I won’t do it to you again, how about we meet up next week?” Jungwon asked you as if you hadn’t just cried your eyes out. “Uh” you began “I guess, as long as you actually show up this time” “and not late, I mean on time” you finished stating to him. Jungwon nodded saying “yeah, yeah of course I can do that”. “Okay, see you then Jungwon, goodnight”.

Sure, maybe you gave in a little too easy, but he was beginning to show emotions towards you, which would give you a perfect opportunity to swoop in and make him want you, only you. You had known that he was vulnerable as he wouldn’t have hugged you in that position otherwise.

You had hoped that Jungwon would make an appearance today, considering you were ambivalent about him. You wanted him to show up and you guys will get over your issues, but you never know if he will. But to your surprise, he did show up and well-dressed too. Him showing up was the little bit of hope you had left to fix your relationship (as if you had one in the first place), but as he walked up to you, he held out a bouquet of roses, which aren’t your favorite but it’s the thought that counts. “I brought these not as an apology but as a gift for you.” Jungwon stated to you.

You gratefully accepted his roses and guys had sat down at a corner booth. He had chosen the date to be at The Cheesecake Factory, it wasn’t an amazing choice but who are you to complain.

JUNGWON POV

I had brought her roses to prove that I care, or something like that. In reality this date was a bore, first I had to see her ugly cry in front of me and now I must sit through a full-length date with her, when I could be gaining more girls on my roster.

It was annoying I didn’t want to be here in the slightest but I don’t have much of a choice considering I'm trying to keep all these girls liking me. I had bought the most basic flower I could think of I mean who doesn’t like roses? I tried to pick a place that came across as “fancy” but was truly just mediocre.

JUNGWON POV END

You had been looking at the menu for a while trying to decide what you would want. You noticed Jungwon sipping on a beer out of the corner of your eye, you had thought it was weird that he would be drinking on a date but just ignored it as you didn’t think of it as wrong. He had waved over a waitress acting as if he owned the place. You had hurried to pick something since he never asked you if you were ready to order or anything. Jungwon started to order “Uhm, I'll get the chicken alfredo” he continued “Oh and she’ll just get the Caeser salad”.

You were surprised by him ordering for you but didn’t complain, even if he pulled the ‘she’ll get a salad’ move. It was a sweet move of him to want to order for you, almost as if he was already your boyfriend. It had made your heart beat a little just being in his presence for this long, all of your other dates were more like tiny hangouts lasting 45 minutes at the maximum.

Jungwon thought all of your dates were worthless or unnecessary, which is another reason he barely showed up for them. Your date today was extremely underwhelming but the worst part about it was what Jungwon had said to you after you had finished eating. “Hey, so uh I haven’t really been paid this week yet and those flowers were expensive, so do you think we could split the bill?” Jungwon asked you.

“Oh uh, yeah sure I guess we can” you spoke to him as you searched through your purse. “Thanks sweetheart, I appreciate it” Jungwon spoke out whilst winking at you. You had helped pay for the bill and then you guys headed out together. “Hey Y/N do you want me to drive you home?” he asked you as you walked out of the restaurant into the cold air. “Oh, I thought you didn’t have that much money, I wouldn’t want you to waste money on gas because of me, I can just walk” you said “Goodnight Jungwon” you ended with as you waved goodbye to him. “Oh, uh, okay goodnight darling” he said back to you before he entered his car.

Jungwon’s whole get all the girls he can within 10 months wasn’t going great, especially when he had to spend so much time and money on you. He didn’t just want a lot of girls; he wanted them to pine over him for all those months. He wanted to be a player; a heartbreaker, to get all those girls to fall in love with him then utterly reject them all in the end. The end of the 10 months would be when he would finally reject them and embarrass them all. He wanted to do it publicly as well and name off every single girl he played. He wanted them all to know how much he was two-timing and all the girls he could gain on his roster.

Jungwon had been the school loser at his past school and was known to get rejected by any girl he would ask out. He had tried so many times to get a girl to like him back, he would’ve been fine with any girl, but no shot, no girl ever wanted him. Rejection was the most present thing in his old uni, so he never got to see what a relationship was like. He knew that he didn’t want to be treated this way anymore, so he planned on transferring to a different uni; Decelis Academy.

He knew that he had to change some things about himself before he switched, so he did. Jungwon had started by fixing his appearance he had known that would be a key point for most girls. Then, he had taught himself the best flirting methods so that he would be able to grab the girl’s attention and hook her onto him. Finally, he had started a workout routine to make it so he had the ‘dream body’ that any girl would want. Yes, this did take a while but he knew that it wouldn’t be a quick fix so he had worked on it over the months until he finally decided it was time, time to switch to Decelis.

He was put into freshman orientation, not because he was a freshman but because he had just been transferred into Decelis. So yes, he did get to see all the freshman, also known as the “easiest target” according to him. I mean, he was right after all, they didn’t have all that much experience so they would look past all his wronging's. He truly was a walking red flag; his goal was to get every girl he could to like him after all. He wanted girls to feel the way he had felt yeah, they weren’t the same ones who had done that to him, but he just needed to make any girl feel bad, the way he did.

Jungwon had a top three favorite girls or also known as the girls that were the simplest or the ones who avoided the red flags #3. Kim Chaewon #2. Kim Minjeong and #1. The one and only Kim Y/N. He called them “The Three Kimketeers” it was fitting they all had the last name Kim, so it was just easier to call them that. He hated the way Y/N had put him in a vulnerable situation that day, all crying and shit. He hated that he related to her, the way she would be avoided but still hopeful, it reminded him of himself. He was hopeless back than too; he just wanted any chance he could’ve gotten even if it meant waiting forever.

You were awakened to a message buzzing your phone. You picked up your phone and read the time “3:02 am” your eyes scrolled down to see the notification was from Jungwon. You quickly opened your phone to see what he had said, all that was sent was “You up?”. As you were thinking of what to text back, he started to type again so you quickly sent a “Yeah”. He read it immediately, he was just typing after all. You threw your phone down onto your bed, scared of what he was going to say back. You slowly picked your phone back up; your heart was beating so fast, it felt like it was coming out of your chest.

Unexpecting of what was coming next you read his message saying, “Lets FaceTime hm?” he was typing again “want to see your pretty face”. So that’s what you did, you FaceTimed him. “Hey beautiful, I'm sorry it’s late you must me tired” he started with. “it’s fine I was awake anyway” you lie to him. Jungwon makes an O shape with his mouth “Ah, okay, okay that’s good I thought I woke you up” “yeah no you’re all good!” you reply.

You began to feel sleepy after talking to Jungwon for a bit, slowly you began to fall asleep on the call with Jungwon. You didn’t plan on sleeping on the phone with him it just happened. Jungwon’s voice was like a lullaby how could you not have fallen asleep. You loved that he talked you to sleep and even saw him in your dreams.

When you woke up, he was still on call but hung up right after he realized you were awake. A part of you was disappointed he hung up but you just went with whatever he did. You wished he would’ve stayed on call longer and told you good morning or asked you how you slept but he didn’t. But oh, how you wished he would fall asleep with you again whether it be on the call or in person, you just needed to sleep in his presence again. The top thing on your mind though was wanting to be able to cuddle him to sleep, lay in his arms and fall asleep. It would be a dream if it happened and all you had to do was dream and wish for it to happen; manifest him into your life permanently.

Jungwon had never blushed so much after just waking up. After he realized he had fallen asleep with you his mind went spiraling he wasn’t supposed to do that or to feel like this. You can’t make him feel like this, he wanted to break your heart, yet, you were healing his. Oh, how Jungwon wanted to actually make you his now, but he needed to stick to the plan. Unless you can completely convince him that is.

You were going to make sure that he would notice you and fall for you in the end. You wanted to be his main focus. If Jungwon could gain the attention of all those girls than the least you could do was gain the attention of one person; him. You weren’t incapable of gaining someone's attention I mean you’ve had a few boyfriends most of which wanted you first. You just needed Jungwon to reciprocate your feelings so you guys could be “happily ever after”. You wanted to be in his arms as his one and only, making sure that he only saw you.

You had called Jungwon that night praying for him to answer and well he did just that. After he picked up you made sure your camera was clear and showed yourself. You had styled your pajamas to make sure you didn't look like you were trying too hard. You were almost 100% sure that it worked because as soon as he saw you his eyes light up and his face turned red. This made you smile as you weren’t expecting something so simple to work on him, but you needed to take it a step further so you started to flirt with him. Not a lot but just enough to get him going, and from there you guys were talking all night and laughing nonstop.

Hearing his voice made you happy and you couldn’t stop giggling as he spoke to you. Sure, not the whole night was laughs since you talked about the deep topics too. Asking questions about his future and genuinely getting to know him. Learning his past hurt you a lot and you were surprised he was comfortable enough to even tell you. He had told you how everyone at his past school had turned him down and made him up to be undesirable.

Yet, you wondered if that was his past how is he so wanted and popular now? What changed? All of these questions in the back of your mind that you couldn’t bring yourself to ask. You wanted to know why he would ditch you all the time or why he always had dates lined up. Jungwon was a mystery to you; a blank canvas, and you needed to have the background to complete his painting. Jungwon had all of these amazing things about himself but hid all of the bad things and you needed to uncover them to truly overcome everything and gain him in the end.

Jungwon was flustered when he answered the call, he wasn’t expecting to see you so pretty to the point he regretted not seeing you completely before. He had known right after he answered that call that he needed you. Everything went downhill as you started to flirt with him making him nervous and timid, but he knew that he needed to be the one in charge. You guys talked for hours and it only made him fall more in love. You cared to learn about him and his past, he was thinking of telling you everything right there and giving up, but he didn’t. He knew if you did this anymore it would just make him act up, he would give up all of those girls for you if you only asked him to. But you hadn’t asked any questions on why he did that to you or why he was still doing it.

So, he knew that he needed to say it himself seeing that you won’t ask yourself. He would give the information in pieces until you finally ask him for it all; for all of him. Jungwon needed you to know but he wasn’t going to outright say it, he wanted you to work for it. Make it so you had to ask for him and all of his thoughts. Which is what he did, he began to tell you stuff in increments getting you to the point of asking.

You had been calling Jungwon every night over the week, falling asleep on call each time. He had slowly started to tell you things about himself, making you extremely curious about those questions now. You wanted so badly to know why he planned to have all of these girls, so, you decided to be brave and straightforward.

“Jungwon, why do you have all of those girls and dates?” you quickly asked before he could switch topics. “Hmmm, so you’re finally curious huh?” he states “Okay I'll tell you, only because you asked so nicely”. “I planned to break their hearts publicly making girls feel the way I did” he began “I wanted to humiliate them all, including you”. You were shocked “Oh, I didn’t know you felt that way about us all, extremely me”. “Mm, well that was before you struck my mind, I wasn’t planning on falling for you” “You fell for me!?!” you say cutting him off. “haha, yeah Y/N I wanted to complete my game but you made that impossible” Jungwon answers.

“I don’t want anyone else, and I’ll reject those girls lightly if you go out with me for real” he says offering. “Well, only because you will be nice to those poor girls, I was one of them after all” you state “yeah, yeah alright so is that a, yes?” Jungwon asks. “Yes, it’s a yes dummy! I'll go out with you I’ve wanted to for a while in case you haven’t noticed” you yell at him happily “of course I’ve noticed darling, I'll see you then good night” Jungwon says telling you to sleep. “Good night, Jungwon”

Yes, Kim Chaewon and Kim Minjeong were let down softly by Jungwon and got happily ever after's with other guys!!

a/n : I realize now that I kept switching up the story and whatnot but I gave up halfway so I hope this is at least decently good :(

Divider credits to @cafekitsune @ianrkives

#enhypen #kpop #enhypen fic #engene #enha #enha x reader #mdni #jungwon #jungwon x reader #jungwon enhypen #jungwon imagines #jungwon fluff #kim chaewon #kim minjeong #aespa #le sserafim #muah <3

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nono-bunny · 1 year ago

Text

As I grow up and continue loving Avatar the Last Airbender, I also start to engage with it more and more critically... And honestly, I fully belive that the reason that it's not a perfect show, despite when I used to think and want to believe in when I was younger... Is solely because season 3 exists in the state that it does.

What this means is honestly up to personal interpretation, but! Personally I believe that Aang should've killed Ozai, or at least work for NOT doing that. Either erase the chakras subplot that goes nowhere to enhance and actually give importance and weight to the lionturtle... Or resolve it by following up and officially killing Kataang. I firmly believe that Zutara was the only correct resolution to the whole ordeal, but I also would've coped so much easier with a less disastrous and unhealthy Kataang, and with an Aang that actually gets his teased character development. I didn't always hate Aang, and I wish the third season never made me.

I just... Truly feel robbed on all fronts by the third season, and of the things it introduced in the first place! I don't agree that Aang should've spared Ozai, and I don't agree that he should've ended up with Katara, but... Both happened, but they were done so poorly that I feel like even those who do agree with them deserved better.

My first impression of the finale is just forever gonna be how when we were kids watching the show, both me and my little brother were not even close to being the minority in being wholly underwhelmed by Ozai and Aang's battle, and agreed that he should have just killed him, even though we may not have necessarily wanted to see death. Also my brother was and is a fellow Zutara shipper because he's cool like that and I love him, shoutout to my little brother who's not gonna read this! Also, to my dad's partner who is, hi! You're cool too even if you have no idea what I'm talking about! Like... When your core audience is unsatisfied with your story's resolution, that's!!! Not a good sign! We as kids got that they were going for kid friendly messaging, and we did not care for it because it didn't make sense and wasn't fun to watch, and that's!!! A huge failure!

#avatar the last airbender #atla #anti bryke #atla critical #zutara #anti aang #anti kataang

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unreliablesnake · 1 year ago

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Promise (Simon “Ghost” Riley x f!reader)

Summary: You and Ghost go on your first date.

Note: Part 2 of the Osprey series. Part 1.

Warnings: reader mentioning that she ate a beef burger once at that place.

This was a first for him. The very first proper date Ghost had ever attended, one where sex wasn’t the only outcome he hoped for. Strangely, and despite working with you for months, he wanted to take his time getting to know you since he knew nothing about you. Every little detail, every story, every quirk interested him, so his main plan was listening to you without making a fool of himself.

You apparently mentioned the date to Johnny, who in return blew up his phone with messages. You like this. You don’t like that. And it wasn’t just him. That idiot probably told Gaz as well, because the other sergeant kept sending him an equal amount of memes and useful tips. Those two clearly conspired against him, and he was honestly waiting for Price to join the party.

On the afternoon of your first official date, Ghost stood in front of the mirror and tried to decide if the clothes he chose would be good enough for you. He wondered what your expectations were. What if he wasn’t your type? After all, you had never seen his face. With each passing second he became more unsure of this. He should cancel it. Yes, he should do just that.

Right on cue, his phone beeped again.

Johnny: Hey, L.T., if you think about canceling even for one second, just look at this.

With a deep frown he checked the picture he received. It was a screenshot of the conversation between you and Johnny. You were panicking, afraid he would think you’re an airhead, or that he would hate your sense of humor. The sergeant tried to calm you down, asking if you liked him.

You: I do. A lot. I think I just scared myself. Sorry.

A smile appeared on his lips as he read your words. At least he wasn’t the only one who was falling apart. But where was this you on the field? He had never seen you hesitate or question yourself. Not like he was any different, but he blamed it all on his fucked up childhood.

Two hours later he was sitting in his car outside the house you lived in, anxiously tapping his fingers on the steering wheel. It was just a date. He had no reason to be this nervous. You watch the movie you talked an awful lot about during the last mission, then you would probably go for a walk or grab something to eat. How bad could things get?

A playful knock on the window caught his attention. It was you, although he had no idea where the hell you came from. He smiled at you and signaled to get in. You took the seat next to him then looked at him with this gorgeous smile that made him want to kiss you.

“Gotta say, it’s a shame you hide this face behind a stupid mask,” you told him, making him blush right at the start.

Excellent.

Before he could respond, though, you leaned over and gave him a kiss. It was strange and unexpected, but it was oh-so-good. Your lips were soft, and he could taste the tea you probably drank before coming down to meet him when his tongue slid over your lower lip, and this whole sensation was slowly sending his brain into overdrive.

Why? Why did you kiss him? It was so weird, right at the beginning of your first date. Or was this normal on proper dates? He honestly didn’t know and you made him way too confused.

“What was that for?” he asked when you finally leaned back into your seat.

With a sweet smile you looked at him through your lashes. “I always wanted to do that,” you replied almost timidly. “But sorry if I–”

Ghost was quick to interrupt you with another quick kiss on your lips. “That’s okay. I’ve been thinking about this for a while now too,” he said with a cheeky grin.

You blushed. He felt a sudden wave of relief wash over him as he realized that maybe things would be less awkward than he expected. Johnny had been right, you were visibly nervous despite initiating that kiss, but by now he was confident enough to even things out. All he had to do was take the lead and let you ease into this date.

Ghost asked if you would be okay with his plan for the night, but to his surprise you said you would rather just talk over a drink. You even suggested a place nearby and said he should leave the car there at your place since it was such nice weather for an evening walk.

There was no need to object, he actually liked the idea of talking about anything that came to your minds while nursing a drink. So once you were out of the car, he took the opportunity to take your hand, wrapping his massive fingers around yours tightly to make sure you didn’t leave his side.

At one point you began to talk, telling him funny stories about an idiot from the neighborhood. Ghost was a great listener. He paid attention, sometimes gave you some feedback, and he was watching you with this dreamy smile on his lips. You were so different from the women he usually met that it was hard to think of anything but the aching need to have you in his bed by the end of this date.

But no. He didn’t want to ruin this experience, he wanted to do this right. Spend the evening together, maybe share a kiss when he took you home, then go home and take a cold shower. The first date should be about getting to know each other.

At the same time, though, he had two little devils on his shoulder–called Johnny and Gaz–who were telling him to go with the flow and sleep with you if that’s what you wanted. “Even if it happens,” they said, “you can always go on a second date. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“By the way,” you said after pointing out you were almost there at the pub, “they have some killer dishes. Their beef burger is heavenly.”

“Is that so?” You nodded with a wide smile. “Well, I could eat,” he said before pulling up your hand and kissing the back of it.

Things were surprisingly easy with you. He wondered if that was because the two of you had been working on the field together for months, probably building a level of trust that many didn’t have. By now you seemed to be at ease too, showing him your bubbly side that he found truly adorable.

Ghost returned with the second round of drinks and slid into the circular booth next to you, his arm automatically moving to your shoulder to pull your body closer to his. You didn’t seem to mind as you leaned your head against his shoulder after placing a soft kiss on the exposed skin on his neck.

You both placed your phones on the table, but he was quick to put it back into his pocket because it kept buzzing to notify him about new messages. They were from Johnny and Gaz, the two who were continuously asking him to send an update or a photo of the two of you together. He groaned as he slid the device away, but it didn’t go unnoticed by you.

“What’s wrong? Do you need to leave?” you asked with a hint of disappointment in your voice.

“No, it’s just Johnny and Gaz. They want to know how the date’s going.”

For a few moments you just stared ahead, then all of a sudden you picked up your phone and opened the camera app. “Come on, let’s send them a picture,” you suggested with a happy smile as you looked up at him.

Nodding, he leaned closer to you and even kissed your head when you took the photo. He watched as you opened a messaging app and started a group chat with the sergeants and him, then you looked for the photo on your phone to send it.

“You sure about this? If you send them the picture, they won’t shut up,” he pointed out.

But you looked confident as you nodded. “We’ll ignore them. Or we can tease them. That would be fun too.”

Ghost couldn’t hold back a laugh. “Messing with them? That sounds good, but I’d rather focus on you now,” he replied while he gently grabbed your chin and made you look at him so he could kiss you.

You put a hand on his arm as you deepened the kiss, getting so lost in the sensation that you both forgot you were in a public place. When out of the corner of his eye he noticed some people staring, Ghost pulled away and cleared his throat. A part of him still found it hard to believe things were this good between you right away, but another part accepted it and wanted more.

“Why don’t we go back to my place?” you asked quietly.

“I don’t want to rush things with you,” he admitted as he stroked your cheek with his thumb. “Let’s take our time, okay? I’m not going anywhere.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

#call of duty #modern warfare #simon ghost riley #simon riley #mw2 #simon riley x reader #simon ghost riley x reader #ghost #modern warfare ii #ghost x reader

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blooming-violets · 10 months ago

Note

just finished five minutes. what other angsty goodness do you have to offer?!

Something Unforgivable

Peter cheats on his depressed, grieving girlfriend and feels like shit about it (as he should!!) and then part three randomly turns into a sex trafficking ring and murder fest story to spice things up.

Dancing On My Own (and the sequel)

People literally despise the fuck out of Peter in this fic. I seemed to have managed to make a typically beloved babyboy the most hated character. Then I tried to redeem him a bit but only made it worse and made people hate him more...but it's angsty af. And I personally think the ending fits their characters perfectly and makes total sense based on how I wrote them/their trauma/backstory buuuut it doesn't make people happy! ANGST

Nicest Thing

Honestly, this fic was written way before Dancing On My Own but they sort of have very similar vibes and I used a lot of inspo from this one to write DOMO. Like they could be the same Reader character person just in a slightly alternate universe. Peter's bff who's in love with him but he loves Gwen and then she dies and he's depressed and his friend tries to help him but it's hard to help grieving angry people.

Pinky Promise

there's children trying to jump off buildings and terrible fathers and attacks on nyc and two sad people just trying to find love in the midst of it all

Imminent

you see the future and that future shows Peter Parker's death. This is one of my favorite things I've done and I don't even think it's written that well but I think it's a unique concept and therefore it's my fav

Creature Like Me

This is my pride and joy. It's my baby. This is the most "I'm writing for me and only me" story I've ever done. It's just me pumping out chapters and like three people reading and cheering me on. And I have genuinely loved every single second. I. Fucking. Love. This. Story. So. Damn. Much.

Don't

This is short. Peter's an asshole during a fight. I like it because Reader stands up for herself and draws some boundaries. Don't let men treat you like shit. That's the message.

Are You Real?

Someone asked to me write fluff but I didn't see that so I defaulted to angst instead. A touch starved reader in a long distance relationship with Peter.

Touch Starved

Another touched starved but it's Peter who's in need of love.

From my Hurt/Comfort Bingo (that I should get back to completing some day): Caring for Reader's Wounds After Fight (home break in), Look At Me (stuck in an armed robbery), Car Accident (title speaks for itself, ended up as a 3 part mini series), Bring Your Kids to Work Day (reader is stuck in a fire with two kids and no way out)

Smut with Angst elements:

Cheating With Peter

Your marriage sucks, you're in love with Peter, all he seems to want is sex from you though and nothing more so you give it to him bc at least it means you'll be his in some sad pathetic way

In The Dark

Depressed reader needs Peter's help to find her way out of the darkness of her mind (through anal sex, apparently)

Ok that should be more than enough to keep you satisfied.

#asks #andrew garfield #andrew garfield fic #peter parker #peter parker fic #tasm #tasm x reader #peter parter x reader #tasm peter parker #tasm peter parker x reader #tasm peter #tasm peter x reader #tasm fic

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sergeantgoggles · 8 months ago

Note

I don't suppose you'd be up for doing a Fox/Thorn from the heart list 💜 surprise kiss/impulsive kiss pls??? 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

This ended up being more of an "accidental kiss" but it's still definitely a surprise, lmao!

I don't usually play with the Corrie boys, so my sincerest apologies if I get them all wrong. I actually had to ask my Discord server what their personalities were because it's just not a group I find myself writing or reading anything about.

BUT! I wanted to give it a shot, and I hope my take on their relationship does them justice in your eyes!

“For the last time—”

“I know, I know,” Thorn threw his hands up in surrender, but the grin that curled on his lips couldn’t be wiped away. He leaned into Fox’s space, noses nearly brushing as he spoke, “I’ll make sure things are taken care of and that Senator Amidala gets the message from the Chancellor.”

Fox scoffed and ignored the rising flush on his cheeks as he turned back to the window looking out over the bustling city. This was ridiculous. He and his men should have been out there in the fight, getting dirty, knocking out clankers as they marched on. Instead, they were stuck on this sleepless planet as personal bodyguards and errand boys to Chancellor Palpatine. Honestly, he was more tired now than even after he’d had the floor wiped from under him in the hardest training simulation on Kamino, and this cheeky Commander wasn’t helping anything.

…Okay, he was. He trusted Thorn. There were few like him. He had the charisma of a man that had seen the galaxy despite hardly leaving Coruscant and the strength of a hundred shinies in just one fist alone. …Maybe Fox was exaggerating. Still, the point remained that he didn’t hate Thorn.

He just wished he would stop looking at him like that.

“Why are you still here?” He asked, feeling Thorn’s gaze raking over him.

Suddenly there was breath on the back of his neck, and Fox barely fought the shiver that raced up his spine. “Thorn—”

“You didn’t dismiss me, Commander.” Thorn’s voice was lower, deeper than it had been just a moment ago, wasn’t it?

It didn’t matter because Fox caught his gaze in the glass’s reflection, and he absolutely could not hide the way he’d bit his lip to keep himself from making a fool of himself. All he needed to do was give him permission to leave, right? Then he would be out of his hair for the time being and he could make himself another cup of caffe, or, if he was lucky, he could sneak in a five minute nap. That should suffice, shouldn’t it?

Fox stood a little straighter, then, “you’re dismissed.”

Thorn didn’t move.

“Did you hear me?” Fox questioned, glancing over his shoulder. He couldn’t actually see Thorn, but he could still feel him at his back, and the hairs on his neck stood as Thorn chuckled.

“Sorry, what was that?”

Fox grit his teeth. This man was unbelievable. Just who exactly did he think he was?

As Fox turned to face him and lean into his space as Thorn had done to him earlier, two things were made immediately obvious. For one, Thorn had been closer than he’d anticipated, and second, their lips were slotted together. It was a little awkward since Fox had had his mouth open to yell at him, but Thorn easily rolled with it, slid his tongue along his, had him whimpering before he could stop himself.

But that was where Fox stopped himself.

He jolted backward, putting himself against the window. In hindsight, it was only more of an invitation for Thorn to crowd him, and he did, stealing another kiss from him before he was able to come to his senses entirely.

“Thorn, s-stop,” Fox breathed, or maybe he didn’t. He was dizzy with heat, confusion written all over his face. Didn’t he just want this man gone? And now…

Thorn nodded, however, giving Fox the space he’d asked for without question. If Fox had his wits about him, he’d have seen the equally confused expression on Thorn’s face, and the flash of worry that lingered in his honey eyes.

“Fox—”

“You’re dismissed,” Fox repeated what he hadn’t been able to the first time and watched as Thorn hastily gathered himself, tossed his bucket back over his head, and left him alone.

Fox touched his lips, already missing the feeling of Thorn there.

#cloneshipping #clone shipping #clone/clone #the clone wars #commander fox #commander thorn #coruscant guard #foxthorn #heart prompts clone edition

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deathits3lf · 9 months ago

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wolf359. its grasped me again.

I have become obsessed again. To the point I wrote a ABSURDLY LONG ramble about Warren Kepler. I wrote it in discord messages and I will not be taking the time to fix the typos. There are so many.

But yes, I wrote a... character analysis? It's honestly just about the last season.

⚠️Major spoilers ahead. For last season, the finale, anywhere past 45 basically. If you have not completed wolf 359 entirely, well, this will be the end all be all of spoilers.

oooh. I should put a highlight here: but he assumed it was a "sorry, you are wrong and I am right, and you are going to die, and perhaps you deserve to in my eyes." when it really meant "You are right. I love you. I would do anything for your safety even if you may never know I was doing it for you." <<<< i love this part. im so smart. squints. im actually not but i was onto somethin

And be warned that it is long. Google docs says 1563 words. I'll put it under this read more.

Have fun. I hope this is any bit comprehensible.

--------------------------

okokok. so. warren kepler. i could talk about this man for HOURS, i swear. but i need to START somewhere so why not start at his death. I love thinking aboiut it... and by that i mean i hate thinking about it. buts its great. so tragic. i love characters dying like that; they are introduced as a douche. dickhead, antagonist, honestly villain. not likeable, really. (by that i mean well written but the character themselves being THE WORSTTT) (although i love him i DID used to HATE HIM) (i always joked about wanting to throw him out of an airlock... no seriously. i didnt know. help)

BUT, throughout the show, despite them being a dick, we are shown some moments of them almost.. being human. cause they are. everyone, despite how mean or stuckup or 'emotionless' they are, is human, and humans feel emotions.

okok, so at this point some hate em, some love em (altho mostly lovehate), but overall they are.... antagonistic but with the potential. not enough potential however.- (quick sidetrack here, i swear i get back to my point eventually)

The Last Season. oml, the first time I watched it, before I knew what kepler was doing, I thought,"kepler is acting weird". kepler is acting almost nervous, and something just felt off. yes it was because cutter was there, kepler was used to being in charge and aggressive about it to make his subordinates feel scared and therefore listen to him. which in the last season, is clear where he learned that from; cutter. but now cutter was back and he was the subordinate and scared one. he wasnt The Most Powerful One There anymore. BUT ALSO

Maybe he acted weirdly because,,listen,, he was already planning something against them. it makes sense. he was sort of kept in the dark, but he knew something was going to happen.

He had to watch his crew like that, despite having just held a mutany against him, he still knew them. they were stuck in space together, they knew eachother, but also JACOBI. kepler interacting with mindcontrolled jacobi was. thats a rant for later on.

But. He had just had his morals rocked. His right hand man, his most loyal companion, betrayed him, tried to get him killed, he lost his other teammate- no, friend, and well, if you look closely enough he really had some time to think about it all.

And thats where he decided that he was not on the side he always had been on, the one he worked for for god knows how many years, the one who he had based his entire mindset on, and maybe he realized that his idea of a bigger picture didnt line up with Goddard's.

Maybe he was doing it for Jacobi. and maxwell. Maybe he was doing it for the whole crew. or the whole world. Maybe he really, truely, cared. deep down.

I also think that he wasnt planning to make it out alive.

He didnt want to face it afterwards. He convinced himself that this was the only way- that he couldn't possibly have made it out alive and that sacrificing himself for the greater good was the only way.

He could have survived that. The hardest part would have been convincing the others to let him on the homebound ship. (the sol i believe?) jacobi begged him to stay. oml that scene. another rant for later on.

But going back to my first point- I love that they really gave you one last reason to care about his death. If he died still on goddards side, even if he seemed a bit hesitant, that was still the cowards choice. they really said "hey he actually cares about the greater good and to an extent, the others. anyway immediatly after that revelation kill him." They gave us a reason to cry.

I love characters like that. You hate em, but before they die, you are given a reason to give a fuck. Really wrenches your heart.

back to other points. rachel, had been SHOT. and yet managed to push him into the airlock and close the door. you could say he was overconfident, but I believe thats uncharacteristic. hes always on guard, always thinking of every way something could go wrong and how to account for it. He should have thought about rachel fighting back. he could have stopped her, but he had already accepted that he would, and perhaps should die here. perhaps he didnt want to face everything after it all. how he might actually care about ppl. how fucked up he acted and all his bad actions. and also, how he could keep living beyond His Job. the artist formerly known as warren kepler. if he stopped Making Art, who was he to go back to? warren kepler didnt exist. he was just a husk.

thats why i love reading Kepler Back From The Dead fics. it would have been SO INTERESTING. although its fair they wanted to wrap up arcs, or at least leave them on something somewhat satisfying, and kepler was definitely NOT done cooking. put that man back in the microwave he is STILL cold in the middle.

anyway. kepler was a coward for dying but at least cowardice is human.

>He couldnt tell anyone. What he was planning. couldnt even tell jacobi, "hey, im on ur side and also im going to stop it all. and sacrifice myself" because rachel was there. rachel was watching, and she was arrogant that kepler couldnt possibly not be on goddards side. yeah she probably definitely knew he cared about jacobi, but the others? she was not expecting him to actually have the confidence to go aginast CUTTER.

jacobi begged for him to be on their side, argued good arguements,

but jacobi thought. there is no way this will work. absouletly no way he will actually listen to me. but he did. kepler had already planned this. kepler couldnt put into words why he was doing this, but when rachel asked him why he echoed their words; because he is human.

but kepler couldnt tell jacobi that he was listening. and that he cared about him. he couldnt say he wished jacobi would make it out alive, or that the others would b ok, or that he wasnt going to make it back.

all he could say was "Thank you Daniel, and goodbye." AKJHSDKJAHSKDH that line makes me want to CRY. its more evidence that kepler totally knew he was going to die. or at least expected it. the way he said goodbye like he knew it really was the last. called him daniel, and maybe others werent aware what that really meant, perhaps they were, but jacobi knew he never called him that. that that meant something. he didnt know what, but he assumed it was a "sorry, you are wrong and I am right, and you are going to die, and perhaps you deserve to in my eyes." when it really meant "You are right. I love you. I would do anything for your safety even if you may never know I was doing it for you."

.... "thank you" for being in my life? for teaching me how to be good? for everything? AUGH I LOVE THESE FICTIONAL MEN.

>His interactions while the others were mindcontrolled. I relistened to the first episode or two of the last season, and kepler honestly showed signs that he was already doubting goddard. that he wasnt as confident as when the others last saw him. and they commented on this- rachel talked about hera and kepler replied almost remincing about his time on the hephaestus. he said 'she had always been stubborn.' and rachel said 'careful warren, wouldnt want to sound like you admire it.'

And the whole scene with cutter, pryce, kepler, and mind controlled jacobi. Cutter definitely purposefully picked out jacobi to take notes during that. cutter realized something was off about him. He was weaker, almost upset that his subordinate was mindcontrolled? and would obey his every command? cutter had just improved them; and the kepler that cutter wanted wouldnt have cared. but he clearly did care, as he told- no, lied- to cutter about jacobi being a good team member. despite the fact jacobi almost got him shot, like, not even an hour before I think? He was worried jacobi would be punished, or hurt, or even killed.

Cutter knew this. he took it into account, basically; he didnt kill him, he merely improved his brain.

And. Eiffel, after being de-mindcontrolled because of the alien blood, waiting for Jacobi, had accidentily given himself away as being 'unmindcontrolled' when he ran into kepler. he expected to be carted away, re-mindcontrolled, or perhaps killed, or locked in a room, but kepler instead 'played along' and pretended like all was fine. he even sneakily told eiffel to be more careful next time. AND YET WE DIDNT NOTICE- eiffel didnt think to mention 'hey kepler totally let me get off scot free, he is maybe on our side. maybe i mean totally.' ?? and i didnt notice the first time around that THE KEPLER WE KNEW AT THE BEGINNING WOULD TOTALLY RAT HIM OUT INSTANTLY. he was always on their side, and perhaps always planning something. maybe since the interaction with mindcontrolled "she was twenty-eight!" jacobi.

#Should I ramble about jacobi next??#i could ramble abt his arc and also his backstory. his 'before goddard'#kepler is the only one we didnt get a 'before goddard' peek at. we even got like. hilbert. cutter kinda #we didnt get ANYTHING for kepler. i find that facinating.#i imagine he loved his mother. but had to cut her off bc of the job.#enough rambles in the tags-#wolf 359 #warren kepler #daniel jacobi #kepcobi #a bit implied-#alana maxwell #marcus cutter #w359 #could tag more but. IM SCARED.#wolf 359 spoilers #w359 spoilers #seriously dont read if you havent finished wolf359

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kwonzoshi · 8 months ago

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I had this idea, and I HAD to dot it. It may not be good, but yeah here is a blurb of an AU:

Simon sighed, staring at his phone. He probably should’ve blocked Wilhelm by now but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. He stared at the texts they shared, and as usual, an ache built in his chest. Simon didn’t know why he even replied, all it did was make things worse.

Simon didn’t even know how to respond to the last text, so he didn’t. He put his phone down on his bed, rubbing his hands over his face. He laid there for a moment, hands still covering his face as he replayed the messages in his head. There was a soft knock on his door. He lowered his hands and glanced over at his sister, Sara.

“You okay?” she asked, quietly entering his room and plopping down on his bed next to him.

Simon sighed, “I honestly don’t know,” he said, sitting up and laying his head on her shoulder. “I keep re-reading our messages and I hate it but what he’s saying makes sense. It just sucks that I’m the only one dealing with any consequences.” Sara laid her head on top of his, taking in a deep breath as she listened, “He hurt you, Simon. That hurt doesn’t disappear just because he has a duty to the crown. Whatever you choose to do, I’ll support you but it’s also okay if you just do nothing. It’s your choice.” She placed her hand on her brother’s knee, gently giving it a pat.

“He told me he loved me,” Simon confessed, lifting his head and turning to look at her, “before he left, and all I said was ‘I hope you have a nice Christmas’. Who does that?” He groaned, covering his face again.

“Really?” Sara asked, brows furrowing. “Do you think he really does?”

“I don’t know…” he sat back up, locking eyes with her. “I feel like if he did he wouldn’t have made the statement and left me to handle it all alone. I mean people still stare at me when I go to the grocery store.”

“You think you’ll ever be able to forgive him?” She asked.

Simon shrugged, biting the inside of his lip. He really didn’t know and he wasn’t going to figure it out today. “Wanna go bother mom? See if she’ll make us some cookies or something?” Sara nodded, smiling as she stood, reaching out a hand. “Maybe we can convince her to make tres leches?” She wiggled her eyebrows. Simon laughed, taking her hand and following her out of his room, putting the whole thing in the back of his mind.

Several days later:

Wilhelm’s POV:

Wilhelm laid in his bed as he stared at the last message he sent, which Simon didn’t grace with a response. He’d been going back and forth on what to do. All he wanted was to be with Simon, but he fucked up. He did the one thing he told Simon he wouldn’t do and he regretted it as soon as he did it. He ran his hand through his hair in frustration, switching to the photos app and looking at the few photos he had of them. He broke the trust they had and that was going to be hard to fix, but he needed to do something.

He ranted to Felice about this whole situation and while her advice was solid, he was still scared. His brother died tragically and now his family felt it was stuck with him as the crown prince. Any mistake he made, big or small, put him in deeper and deeper shit with the royal court. He was under the microscope even more than before. No matter what he did, he was never going to be seen as suited for this role, he was never going to be Erik, so why should he let them ruin the one thing that’s ever made him happy in his entire life?

Meeting and loving Simon was life-changing, and losing him because of something he was forced to do, was devastating in ways he couldn’t put into words. Felice told him to follow his heart, and his heart was Simon’s, there was no question about it. He stared at his favorite photo of them, caressing the phone. At that moment, the decision was made, he sat up and opened Instagram. He began typing without giving it a second thought. Once finished, and posted, he stared at the post for a few moments before sending Simon a message.

Simon’s POV:

Simon made his way onto the bus, showing the driver his pass before making his way to a seat in the back. He was listening to music to drown out the chatter and city noise, when his phone vibrated. He glanced at the notification, his heart racing as he saw that it was from Wille. He took a deep breath, opening it.

His brows furrowed in confusion as he switched to instagram, clicking Wilhelm’s profile. His eyes narrowed slightly as he saw the most recent photo, clicking it. His jaw dropped and his eyes widened in shock.

His eyes filled with tears as he read that caption and after a few moments, he responded to the post with the three words he wished he’d said before Christmas break. He stared at the post in disbelief a moment longer. He… confessed..Simon thought as the tears cascaded down his face. He switched back to his messaging app:

Simon stared out the window and wiped his tears away, a giant smile on his face. He didn’t know what would happen next but at least he could trust that Wilhelm was going to be right beside him through it all.

He didn’t have a single doubt about it.

(Part 1 of ??)

#kwonzoshi #kwonzoshi writes #young royals #young royals fanfic #yr #young royals AU #wilmon #wilmon fic #prince wilhelm #simon eriksson

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billiuspendragon · 5 months ago

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!Spoilers for A Silent Voice!

I know this is mostly a Saiki K blog, but this post is about Kawaii Miki from A Silent Voice.

I remember back when I was reading the manga I saw a lot of hate for Kawaii Miki on the internet, and at the time was sort of convinced into hating her too, even though I hadn't really thought about it before. I definitely think she has her flaws, but looking back, I think the intense hatred of her character was really quite unfair, and missed a major point of the story.

One of the biggest messages in A Silent Voice was that everyone has a bad side. Everyone has their own struggles, and most people have their own unhealthy ways of dealing with it. The main character is literally someone who tormented and physically assaulted a disabled girl countless times, and yet the hatred is directed towards a side character who, at worst, isn't very sincere? Miki is a hypocrite who doesn't take accountability for her actions. That is her flaw.

That said, her actions were nowhere NEAR as bad as Shoya's, so obviously it makes way more sense for him to devote himself to redemption. Obviously Miki still SHOULD say sorry, and if she were a perfect person, she would. But she isn't, that's the point! None of them are perfect! If she said sorry and did everything right, then what would be the point of her character?

Most characters in the manga had a moment which made me hate them (I say "most" because I never hated Shoko), and I'm pretty sure they ALL had a moment which made me love them. Tomohiro bigs himself up and lies because he is insecure. Shoya devotes himself to making Shoko's life better, even though part of it is to make himself feel better because he has nothing else to live for. Naoka is pretty horrible, but she serves a purpose in showing Shoya his own hypocrisy. Kawaii joins in with the girls making fun of Shoko behind her back, but then insists that she never did anything wrong. Maybe that's because, in her head, she DIDN'T do anything wrong. She was trying to fit in, and probably didn't think her laughter made much of a difference to Shoko. Of course it did, though, because from an outside perspective she was just one of the bullies.

I really don't get why Miki got so much hatred compared to the other characters - I would say it was misogyny but that doesn't explain why Naoka didn't get the same treatment (she was hated, don't get me wrong, but often put above Miki because she was more honest or something). I remember watching some video analysis's of all the characters on YouTube. Most of them were really in-depth and interesting, but then Miki's was just "here's why she's secretly a NARCISSIST" complete with spooky music and everything. People were just averse to looking at her as a nuanced character because apparently insincerity is worse than beating someone up.

Honestly, the only reason I can think of to explain why so many people hated Miki Kawaii is because she is maybe the most realistic. I think a lot of people are scared of taking accountability and will shift blame away from themselves to protect their image. Maybe she was so hated because the viewers saw in her a reflection of themselves.

#a silent voice #miki kawaii #I genuinely love this anime and manga so so much and if you haven't seen/read it then you definitely should #I watched it then read it and then rewatched it because it was so good #but it will probably make you cry #tw bullying #tw ableism

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mamawasatesttube · 2 months ago

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the reason why you wrote jason into string on til morning is so real. i admit i did actually reimagine the pancake scene to be cass instead when i read it and hearing you say this is so vindicating.

that aside, can i just say how much i Loved straight on til morning? i don't think i actually left a comment but i want you to know that this is the first ever fic where i've actually enjoyed the use of chat. as in i usually hate it so much that seeing chat sometimes makes me stop reading but you did it so well, and i loved the conversations between yj (and the fact that they also had a group with anita greta and cissie!!! they don't have to still be heroes to be friends!!! though i'll forever stand by anita should have been able to keep being a hero this obviously wasn't about her, and mainly i just wanted to say that it's so lovely that you kept the connection between all of them). i loved how you wrote each of them texting and also how it feels like kon has this little bubble of warmth coming from his phone even alone in his sad apartment.

anyway that was way too long but the whole fic was so good. clark and kon!!! and kon's reasons for going for journalism... his sense of obligation to the kents and to tana. it's so sad and so good and i love how hopeful everything is and that you gave him so much breathing room to work things out. this is very rambly but i only realized when i saw your post that you were in tumblr and that i hadn't commented and i just wanted to say how amazing your fic was

oh fuck you're so right actually maybe i'll go just ctrl-F all mentions of jason in that chapter to cass real fast alskdjaflsdjalsd

and thank you so much!!! honestly i think chats/texts are a form of epistolary and i looove a well-done epistolary work - one of these days i want to tackle a longer full epistolary piece with like, in-universe news articles and stuff. they're a narrative tool like any other, and while i def concur that chatfics are often ooc and cracky i don't think the chat/text medium is inherently worse! it just depends how it's used. i personally love to think about how different characters would text (cassie, a bay area girlies, uses a lot of LOL and OMG and txt-lingo and abbreviations. bart's responses over text are Always the same timestamp as the message before, never even one minute later. things like that) and how you can sorta come up with different tones just via texting! it's enrichment to me. so thank you!! glad to hear it works :D

AND YEAH i really sat there for a while going hmm. i don't actually know what kon would go into careerwise! and then it hit me that if i don't know, kon definitely doesn't have to know either. he's such a fun character to explore the sense of duty with because the most surface-level reading of him looks like he's just a hedonist and a silly little guy, but then you get to things like how deeply he blames himself for the death of that one superboy impersonator or the camera crew that cyborg superman killed in front of him, etc., and it's just so... ough!!!! and his issues with tana's death in particular just. yeah that would i think tip him over the edge into thinking he Has to follow in superman's footsteps and be a journalist. he has to be Like Superman. he owes it to tana. (he does not have to do any of this but he needs a minute 😭.)

thank you again!!! <3 this was such a sweet message im very happy to hear it all!!!

#answers #peasdialpls

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flightlessangelwings · 5 months ago

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Okay, I’m just going to preface this with the fact that I’m POC as well. I really, honestly , truly do not have an expectation of writers to “include” me in their fics, is it nice if they do? of course it is. But I come from a huge ethnic minority that is, at the same time, severely underrepresented in a lot of media. Here’s the thing, I would not appreciate it if someone hopped into my inbox and told me that I needed to be inclusive of white readers, I choose to make my reader an extension of myself, it would be dishonesty to write a reader that I couldn’t feel connected to. So the anons in your inbox are shitty, and racist, nobody is saying they aren’t.But it’s important to reflect on the flipside of it. I share my writing because of my own personal struggles, it’s a creative outlet for me. Just because certain creators are white and choose to code their readers as such, doesn’t mean they are racist or trying to be exclusive. I would be absolutely livid if someone told me I couldn’t write a desi character because not everyone is desi, and I think we should extend that to everyone. You seem nice and I don’t want this to come off as hate, but I’d like to give a different perspective on this topic. Yes it sucks that there aren’t more spaces of POC, but isn’t it up to us to create those spaces for ourselves? I do hope you can understand my view, and i’ll try understand yours.

First of all I don’t think you come across hateful with this message at all. And I do think it’s important to have open dialogues like this and respectfully share points of view. And hopefully my reply makes sense, it was a long day at work today and I’m tired lol

So, I actually agree with you on writing poc readers. I will always support poc writing reader characters from their point of view since we are so marginalized. I’ve even read poc readers who aren’t my background to support the writer and the story was very fun and interesting even if I wasn’t the target audience.

Side note: I think reading fics outside your target audience (like reading a poc reader) is good practice no matter your background. It broadens your horizons and opens your mind to other points of view!

I do think there is a difference between being “inclusive” of white readers and being inclusive of poc readers. It’s different when white is the assumed default. It’s different when whiteness is the majority. It’s different with poc representation is so severely lacking. To me that is two very different things.

And no group of people are a monolith either. What perfectly describes one person maybe the completely opposite for another, even within the same group. So no, one reader fic isn’t going to encapsulate every single person. But, I think it’s still important to keep the physical description as vague as possible and use warnings for anything else. And it’s the simple things too: not using blush, not running fingers through hair, not describing body type, etc. that’s more what poc readers are looking for I think, and it’s not a big ask either. And yeah poc can create that space, but it also shouldn’t be only on us to do so. White writers should be able to be vague on physically describing reader so that people who don’t look like them can enjoy and read their fics too. White people should be allies in this and we should all be working together to make sure as many people as possible can see themselves in reader fic and feel love and have that escapism.

#jey answers #inclusivity #anon 💖

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yuseirra · 3 months ago

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I'm drawing a comic~ for the meantime...this manga honestly made me so frustrated and pissed earlier, I just ranted on and I found it so funny to read. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do, here's how I feel about it rn!!

oh, this is such a perfect time to take a break from it though, i constantly feel so nervous about creating something for it because things escalate fast and I need to make good sense of it and reflect it into my works EVERY week. I am nuts for staying accurate to the source material (it may not seem like it but I'm really a perfectionist and I wish to do a good job getting the characters right) This work has a knack for making me feel extremely tense. It's been that way for the past three months I've hopped in, it's nice and enjoyable to have something to be invested on but sometimes it gets too much.. people are growing insane and pointing knives at each other, our protagonist stabbed himself and fell into the waters. The fact that I think it was an utterly foolish decision for him to have been that way does not help. I do not support what he's done. It does make a pretty impressive scene considering it's a manga and the art looks good, I think they planned that scene to be there from the beginning too but Sigh

I think he directed his anger to the wrong guy. I am not convinced that was the right choice he's made so I hate the look of it. Way to feel this way about the main character huh,

I can't draw.. when things make me this nervous, what else is going to unfold? I feel like I can see the big picture for the whole thing, but there is no way I can predict all the little details and what if things get super ugly, even uglier than how it is now?? I can't possibly work with that, it's just so hard!; Mengo-san Aka-san, what did I do to deserve this?? I came in because I thought I understood what this is!!! I have a good idea of how things are going to go!!! Why do you have to make everything SO MESSY?? It's frustrating. I AM collecting the physical volumes you know? I WANT TO TILL THE END?? please don't make me regret it, You seriously AREN'T going to make the one guy Ai confessed her love to a total freak. You know that and I know it too. It's just out there and set in stone, goodness. This isn't funny. This is so pointless. It wears me out ugghhh it's not about the ship I mean, it's about the message!!! the plot!!!!!! I really don't like how this manga makes things way more complex than what it actually is. It doesn't have to be that way.

Heheh. I ranted again- the stuff below's what I wrote earlier. Honorable mention to chatgpt for helping me translate it.. this is just. I just want things to get resolved. It's getting so dumb.

***

Kamiki is drowning and getting dragged away, Aqua stabs himself, then floats on the water with a melancholy expression on his face… and then there's a break for two weeks or so, right? Ugh, seriously.

But honestly, even in this weirdly ended situation, I’m actually glad there’s a break. If there wasn’t, I wouldn’t be able to write things like this. I get too nervous to write because I really hate making mistakes. I genuinely don’t like it. Normally, I wouldn’t enjoy talking about uncertain situations like this…

But what can I do when I see things?;;; If I didn’t understand anything at all, I wouldn’t be able to write something like this, and if I didn’t have enough time, I wouldn’t have time to think about it, so I wouldn’t be able to write then either. But now that I do understand, it’s just… so frustrating, suffocating, nerve-wracking, and I feel all fidgety because of it.

Honestly, this manga should just release one chapter and then take a break. Release one chapter and then take a break. It would be nice to have about a week to think about it with a clear mind. It’s so exhausting, really. I feel like I know where this is all headed in the end, but the creators have been dragging things out so slowly. Even with the Aqukana storyline, I got so tired with how they handled it that I took a break from reading it last year…

The story hands you the key. It even clearly shows you the door that the key can open. But then it puts up dozens of other doors next to it, meaningless ones. Even after giving you all the answers, it tries to confuse you. But you can see right through it. And while doing that, it points to each door saying, 'Isn't this door pretty~~~ How about that one?' constantly taunting you along. All while it's them that's given you the key already in the first place.

It’s really frustrating… I’m so tired. If I couldn’t see anything, I’d just watch while grumbling or be like, 'Oh…' and keep my distance without overthinking it. But it’s suffocating and frustrating not knowing why they’re doing such pointless things, and it makes me anxious too…

Well… I could just take a break, but… I really like Ai. And when I look at the man she loved, I feel like he could actually be a really good character too, so I watch carefully… There’s a lot to dig into. It would be nice to shift the focus onto the other characters, too, but…

Seriously, nothing’s been properly resolved, has it? They’ve been dragging it out for ages. The characters keep doing crazy things. You can’t end a story like this. It’s just… they're not writing well, but they’re doing it on purpose. This manga is like that; the creators enjoy twisting things, and I should just enjoy that too, but I don't think I do. I just want to use the key and go through the door; I’m not interested in looking at the various door knobs. I wish they’d just stop now. I feel like I know what’s going on. That’s why I’m here to draw fan art. I get so up and down every week, but if the outcome isn’t what I’m thinking, I have no idea what it could be, and I don’t think it would make for a good story at all. I’m not saying it has to go the way I want for it to be a good story! It’s just… if it doesn’t, it feels like the message will completely collapse. It’s not about the couple… Even if the characters die, as long as the story is good, that’s fine, but the framework has to hold up!

About Kamiki's state,

his trauma and the dire-ness of his mentality is probably even more serious than Aqua’s, right? And I actually got that right too.

They said they only felt alive when they were with Ai. That means, in essence, they’re as good as dead now. But if they still want to keep living in that state, it means there was something they believed they had to do.

That’s likely related to the wishes mentioned in Mephisto and Fatal.

‘I want to see you. I want your life to return.’ (Mephisto)

‘I want to get closer to you. I want to receive your love again.’ (Fatal)

'For that, I can do anything. I can even offer my life. I can sacrifice anything. What more do I need to use?' <(Common themes in both songs)

In short, it’s all about 'I want to see you.'"

The "you" here refers to Ai.

That’s what it is.

Well… when you think about it, what Kamiki is doing now is essentially that. His underlying wish was that, but the way he’s going about it has become completely twisted. I don’t think he developed this kind of logic on his own. He’s been influenced or possessed by something. Because he was never someone who could hurt others.

This character didn't harm Ai… I truly believe he wouldn't have hurt her. Everything he’s doing now, in his own way, is probably for Ai. It’s just that he’s gone mad.

And thus, you can infer he's in such a serious condition, yet it hasn’t been highlighted at all.

They made his past so tragic and horrifying (I try to thoroughly analyze the character's psychological state; as I mentioned before, I try to sync up with their emotions…), and yet, with this character, there are parts I just can’t dive into because it’s too overwhelming. It’s plainly obvious. He’s not in his right mind right now. He’s too depressed and tormented to be alive.

Think about it, he’s been through extremely serious things since he was at least ten years old, maybe even younger… Just thinking about it makes me… I once considered exploring this, incorporating to my works, but I simply couldn’t. I really couldn’t… it’s too horrifying!

If the author had written him in a way where he turned into a serial killer because he developed a hatred for women or something like that, I wouldn’t have been able to forgive it. Even though I haven’t experienced such things, I feel I know enough of it to say that would be too shallow, convenient, and disrespectful. That’s really not how you handle such material. It’s beyond lazy—it's irresponsible. But I didn’t think it would go that way.

Whether this character ends up being revealed as the ultimate villain or not, if they’ve created a character like this and don’t address it properly, it’s not respectful to the character. It’s too much…

But I believe that the creators have a certain affection for what they’ve created, so I trust they’ll handle it. I just… want to see it handled properly. I think the delay is because they couldn’t fully express it while the anime was airing. They keep taking breaks and adjusting their pace; part of it might be due to the creators’ conditions, but I think they might have deliberately delayed introducing new content to match the anime’s schedule.

Honestly, I got into this because I knew. I realized, "Ah, this is what this character is going through."

He really liked Ai. It was set up in a way that he had no other choice but to become that way.

Other characters have their own core identity, right? Even if you strip away all their relationships with other characters, they have something of their own.

But when you look at this character, from the planning stage, everything was set to align with Ai, and without Ai, the character itself wouldn’t exist…;; He just collapses. Like in the lyrics, "I can’t live without Ai." The only consolation is that Ai truly did love him back… It’s like, the creators made this character specifically as a match for Ai, you know?

When you create a character like that, it’s only right to handle it in a way that makes that visible.

About his relationship with Ai… it’s not like I just think they look good together or something… It’s more like, when you look at the story and the way the characters are built, it’s obvious that they were made that way!!!

But even in the current situation and how ugly it is, there's one reason I think Ai made a good choice in picking him as her husband. She picked a extremely handsome guy and passed down superior looks to their kids haha. When you look at him, it doesn't make it seem like Ai is way out of his league in terms of looks, does it? She met someone who matched her well and dated him, that’s how it feels. I’m pretty sure they’re really gods, you know? They’re like the god of entertainment and the god of light. Their story is just too similar… they resemble each other so much… If you look at mythology, Ame-no-Uzume’s husband just fell for her at first sight, got swept along, married her, and they even shared a shrine, living happily together… Ame-no-Uzume just barged into his domain, made herself at home, and they got together right away. That god really married well. He ruled over not just one or two domains, but was a supreme indigenous deity and was considered just and noble… It’s like, “Oh, I like this one,” and she picked him like that. And judging by the drawings, Ame-no-Uzume was really beautiful… She was incredibly cute… I was so happy looking at that mythology. They bless the couple’s fate and marriage because they’re satisfied and happy with each other. People even make masks of the two gods and wear them together during festivals.

Look, if I’m a romance writer and I want to write something related to the entertainment industry, and I borrow mythology, and I know this couple's mythology? And then I write a story like this? Well… from my perspective, Kamiki is a mad god who went crazy after losing his wife. He genuinely loved Ai. Look at his expression in chapter 162. It’s the same as in chapter 153. He loved her that much, and on top of that, she was his savior, his lover, and even the mother of his child, raising them risking everything she's got. He believes she died because of his mistake—so what would he do? He might have thought about following her in death but couldn’t, so he thought, "If I do something, maybe Ai will come back." And when that didn’t work, he just ended up desperately wanting to see Ai again… I think that’s what drove him mad. I don’t think he’s in his right mind. He’s totally lost it. I mean, who could stay sane after losing someone like that for over a decade?

It’s not like the readers should have to guess why he’s fallen apart like this, right? It’s time for the story to show us. I’m really struggling with this—making deductions, writing, drawing—and every time a new chapter is released, people come to me, feeling sad or offering comfort. Seriously, I’m fine! isn’t it? Aren’t the creators romance writers? How could they not cover this? It’s not just about the couple—this is such rich material, and not using it would be a waste, don’t you think? And it doesn’t make sense… Why would they write it so that Ai loved someone truly strange? It’s not like that. Ugh, seriously.

As I always say, it’s not my work, so I could be completely wrong.

Still… it just feels like such a waste. Not using this? Not doing this?

I think all the clues are there… They’re doing this on purpose. Just wait and see. I’m not called the Prophet-type for nothing (INFJ)? When it comes to things like this, my intuition isn’t that bad. There are a lot of things I’ve figured out as soon as I saw them.

What’s frustrating about this manga is that if the plot progression itself is confusing, that’s fine as a mystery element.

But here, they give you all the answers, then pretend they haven’t, dragging things out while playing dumb. That really makes me go, “What are they doing?” It’s like they show all the answers and then, without reason, go off on a tangent. It’s like entering the destination into a navigation system, knowing where you’re supposed to go, but steering the car in the opposite direction for three hours.

Then, they turn around like nothing happened and head towards the destination. It’s pointless. If you don’t know the destination from the start, there’s a thrill as you go. But this just looks like foolishness. It’s like, eventually, it’ll come to this conclusion, but the story gives you the answer upfront and then insists, "Actually, no~" and lies about it. I don’t think it’s a very good method. It’s tiring…

Maybe it works in a volume format, but reading it as it’s released makes you wonder, "What’s even going on here?"

Haha, I came into this with confidence. At this point, there’s quite a bit that’s built up.

When I think about it, I’ve gotten all the critical parts right. Look at the expressions Kamiki makes when he looks at Ai. Does he look like someone who would order Ryosuke to kill Ai just because she rejected him?

This guy just can’t come to his senses after Ai’s death. He’s been doing everything he could just to see Ai again.

And if you’re still confused, the answer is always in Ai’s video message.

Would Ai, of all people, say she wanted to live forever with someone who ordered her death? That’s not how you write that story. The answer was already there, so I don’t know what this manga is doing.

That's why I'm not worried about Aqua right now! I'm mad! LOL. Hey, your dad definitely loved your mom more than anyone else in the entire world. He loved her more than his own life. Well, maybe you put Ruby first… But seriously, is he really so crazy that he tried to kill Ruby just to save Ai?!

But if that's the case, then it means he's not in his right mind, so he needs an exorcism…;;

How could Aqua not understand what kind of person his dad is, even after playing him as his role? Why can't he get a sense of it? Why didn't he listen, and instead tried to drown him in the ocean? Why did he do that? Is he really that evil? Am I missing something? Why are you like this? I can’t sympathize with it—was that really the only way? It doesn’t look that way to me. This is like a parade of fools, seriously. Did I completely miss the mark? Am I really wrong? Did I get everything wrong, and did I fail to see it properly? Then why does Ai’s video message say what it does?

Aqua, please get a grip. And Kamiki is out of his mind. He needs to go to a hospital. Seriously. What is all this?

That's all.

#oshi no ko #oshi no ko spoilers #oshi no theories #long post #omygod... I've been pulling really really strong thus far though #I CAN THINK OF A LOT OF THINGS... but with the manga being this way #it's just tough...I am so nervous #hikaai #hikaru kamiki #I'd like to draw more but maybe it's inevitable I take a break you see #spoilers #what is this comic UUGHH

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