#honestly it’s the people who have left comments that have motivated me to keep going

[stargirllanaa]

୨⎯ “I don’t smoke”- R.C

❥ Masterlist

Warnings: Dark!Rafe, Toxic relationship, Abusive relationship, Domestic violence, heavy drinking, violence, mentions of drugs, mentions past d/v, Rafe’s a narcissist, emotional abuse

Summary: based on ‘I don’t smoke’ by Mitski (you don’t have to listen to understand but I still recommend. You drink to much and everything goes so wrong.

A/n ✎: surpriseeee, I was taking a break but got randomly motivated lol, thank you for 300 followers!!! Ily all sm! My inbox is open btw, also pls reblog and comment if you enojoyed!! Also I recommend listening to the song while reading!! Tyy

Wc: 2.8k

18+ minors dni!!!

As you took a long drag of your cigarette, you thought about your night, how you ended up on the balcony of the Cameron house with a tear-stained face and a cigarette in hand.

You never smoked except for after you and your boyfriend got into it; nicotine’s supposed to relieve stress and calm the nerves, right? I mean, you weren't addicted, just a stress relief.

It made you laugh how almost every fight with your boyfriend was so stupid, usually a misunderstanding or him taking out his anger for something that had nothing to do with you.

You questioned why you always stayed with him; how could you be so in love with someone who mistreated you?

You laughed to yourself, taking another drag of your cig before inhaling, the warm breeze making contact with your slightly damp face, reminding you of why you were even out here; the sad realization brought fresh tears to your eyes, and before you knew it you were bawling again, sitting on the ground, knees brought to your chest, sobbing into your lap.

˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧ Earlier that night୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡

You and Rafe had ended up at a random party, some kook that Rafe knew from high school. Believe it or not, you enjoyed going to parties with Rafe. There was always an excuse to get as drunk and high as possible, and if you were faded enough, your thoughts would stop, and you finally felt at peace. It was honestly sad, but being in a relationship with Rafe, it was so hard to feel ok… to feel normal.

You guys had been at the party for about an hour, and you were already crossed, taking every drink offered to you in a heartbeat and even smoking with your boyfriend and his friends, but you could still feel, and you didn't like that, so you stumbled over to the drinks table, praying that there was at least enough left for a shot. Your vision was already spinning, and you were practically tripping over yourself, but you just wanted the pain in your heart to stop; that's it.

After what felt like a lifetime pushing through people and saying, ‘Excuse me,’ you finally made it. You reached for a bottle but didn't even read what it was; you were just desperate for anything. Your gut told you to stop drinking; you were nauseous, dizzy, felt heavy, and could barely walk straight, but your heart told you to keep going, so you did.

You poured yourself a shot, shaky, uncoordinated hands spilling a good amount on your fingers and the table. You drank the alcohol, tossing your head back as the bitter liquid made contact with your tongue before slightly burning the back of your throat. Your face scrunched up, looking around for a chaser but unable to find one.

As you stumbled around looking for your boyfriend, you bumped into at least five people, even causing one girl to spill her drink on herself; everything felt like it was going so fast yet so slow, and the world was spinning; you hated, but you loved this feeling, you were numb to your problems but also felt sick.

When you made eye contact with your boyfriend, he was sitting on the couch; you could barely make out the color of the sofa or who else was even on it; that's how fucked up you were.

You sat down next to him before even realizing what you were doing. You practically fell into him; before you knew it, you were lying on his shoulder and falling asleep.

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆

“Y/n!” you heard your boyfriend's voice echoing through your head before even opening your eyes; you kept them closed. You were still tired and wanted at least five more minutes of sleep.

“She's knocked out, man.” you heard another man who wasn't your boyfriend say, most likely one of his friends.

“Y/n!” Rafe shouted, now shaking you awake.

You were genuinely confused when you opened your eyes—three blurry figures standing before you. When your vision evened out, you saw Your boyfriend was staring at you with his fist clenched to the side, clearly angry, as his two friends stood beside him, but you were laying on Rafe, at least you thought you were, but when you lifted your head and looked to your side to see who you were laying on, it was some random guy.

You immediately jumped, scooting yourself away from the random blonde. You had never seen this man before, and when you layed next to him, you could have sworn he was your boyfriend.

You quickly stood up, still tired and still drunk. Your heart was beating rapidly, and the look on Rafe's face didn't help; he was arguing with the man you had been lying on; you heard the name ‘Evan’ slip from his mouth.

"What's your problem, man?" Evan questioned, his tone challenging; he kept his spot on the couch as you hid behind your boyfriend and his friends, still able to get a clear view of the altercation.

“I've seen the way you've looked at her before.” Your boyfriend drunkenly spat, referring to you; he talked with his hands aggressively. That was a bad sign, and it worried you; you just wanted to explain to him this was all an accident, a drunken mistake.

“Listen, man; Your girl was all over me.”

Evan replied, words laced with venom as he stood up from his spot on the couch.”Maybe control your bitch next time-”

Without another word, Rafe lunged forward, his fist connecting with Evan's jaw.

The force of the blow sent Evan stumbling backward, crashing into a nearby table, sending drinks flying in all directions, causing everybody around to stop and look.

Evan recovered quickly, launching himself at Rafe.

The two boys wrestled with each other; trading blows amidst the chaos of the party; a crowd formed around them as phones were being taken out to record.

You were horrified, wide eyes watching as Rafe pushed the other blonde to the floor before punching him repeatedly. You knew this was your fault, and you felt horrible. How could you have made such a big mistake?

Your tears spilled, and your hand covered your mouth as you watched Rafe's friend's topper and Kelce pull him away from the kook on the floor, finally separating them. Rafe looked so angry. He was breathing heavily, his knuckles bruised and bleeding, but when you looked at the bloody blonde on the floor, you gasped. You regretted even looking at him; blood covered his face as he rolled over slightly, coughing more blood up; you even heard someone mutter, “Call 911.”

When Rafe's friends finally let go of him, he didn't go back for more; he honestly seemed satisfied, and when he grabbed your wrist roughly, pulling you away from the now-dead party and to his truck, clearly trying to avoid the police you were honestly shocked, You had never witnessed rafe hurt someone that bad, I mean he was going crazy, you couldn’t get the image of Evans blood covered face out of your head. And the more you thought about it, the more grateful you were that Rafe had never caused that much harm to you. I mean, sometimes he would slap, chock, or grab you, but he had just shown you how much he was genuinely holding back.

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆

You had finally arrived at Tanneyhill after what felt like hours of complete silence as Rafe dropped his friends off. He refused to talk to you, ignoring you as you tried to explain to him that it was an accident and that you were just really fucked up. You were still drunk, not as drunk as you were when you originally made the mistake, but drunk enough to keep trying to talk to Rafe.

The thing was that you would rather argue with Rafe than be ignored; you hated when he punished you with the silent treatment; it made you want to curl up into a ball and cry, and you also didn't know how long he would keep this going, sometimes it was days, sometimes it was hours, you would much rather him just hit you and get it over with.

��Why would you even bring me here if you're going to ignore me?” You questioned Rafe, voices pleading for a response as you found your place on his bed.

He didn't even look up at you; instead, he rolled his eyes as he focused on his phone, scrolling through whatever social media app he was on.

“Are you fucking serious?” You recklessly said as tears started to brim your eyes; his breathing halted for a moment at that. “I said it was an accident! What the fuck do you want me to do?” You choked out, throwing your hands up.

Rafe continued to ignore you, slightly laughing at something on his phone; he wanted you to feel as guilty as possible, and he knew making you sit in silence and think about what you did would be the best way to achieve that, so he had to be strong. He wanted so badly to respond and put you in your place, but he also knew you would prefer that to this.

“Rafe!” you shouted, wanting so desperately to be heard, but you got no response, not even a look in your direction.

“RAFE!” You repeated even louder this time, but still, he kept eye contact with his phone and ignored you; it made you so angry and sad, so many emotions you didn't want to feel. This was the fucking worst.

“I fucking can't.” You cried, tears blurring your vision as you left Rafe's room, slamming the door behind you as you made your way to the balcony. You grabbed your chest, trying to slow your fast and deep breathing, but you couldn't. Rafe was treating you like shit, and it was so frustrating.

The blonde didn't stop you from leaving his room; he knew your little routine and that you would return to his bed in at least ten minutes.

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆

The following day, you woke up to muffled yelling from outside Rafe's bedroom door; you didn't even remember falling asleep or returning to his room last night; your last memory was bawling on the balcony as the smell of your cigarette filled your nose.

You sat up in bed, rubbing your eyes, noticing the pounding sensation throughout your head. You drank way too much last night, you thought to yourself before being brought back to reality by the muffled voices behind the door. Their voices were tense, filled with bitterness, and you couldn't help but feel a twitch of worry knotting in your stomach.

You glanced around the room, searching for clues or signs of what might have sparked the disagreement, but it was nothing new for Rafe to get into it with literally anyone.

The morning light filtered in through the curtains, casting a soft glow over your familiar surroundings, but your attention remained fixed on the heated exchange just beyond the door. But before you could even form another thought, Rafe's bedroom door swung open and slammed closed behind him as he breathed in and out fast and placed his hands on his head.

You exited his bed, swinging your feet out from under his blankets before standing up and walking over to him. You just wanted to comfort him and try to make him feel better. Even though you and Rafe didn't necessarily get along all the time, he's still your boyfriend, and you didn't enjoy seeing someone you love so upset.

“Rafe.” you calmly mumbled, touching his back. “Calm down,” you said, rubbing it. You could tell he was still distraught by how he was breathing.

His breath was rapid, his jaw clenched, and his first balled to his side.

“Take some deep breaths.” you calmly mutter, still trying to calm him down, but you knew you had triggered something in him when you saw the way he turned to you, eyes narrowed and dark; you didn't understand why what you said upset him, but you knew that all his anger would now be directed towards you.

“Calm down?” Rafe repeated, tone harsh and aggressive. “Deep breaths?” he hissed, taking a step closer to you as you took one back.

“Do you hear yourself?” The kook tapped on his temples as he stared you down, jaw clenched as he leaned on his dresser.

“You sound just like Sarah.” he tisked as he crossed his arms.

You didn't know what to say, but at this point, you were on the other side of the room; you knew you were playing a dangerous game, even being in the same room as Rafe when he got like this.

“Well, what do you want me to do, Rafe? I-” You looked down before being cut off by the sound of glass hitting the floor after your boyfriend knocked over serval objects that were sitting on top of his dresser in one clean sweep.

You flinched, closing your eyes as the abrupt noise of objects breaking filled your ears. You were grateful he took his anger out on his random trinkets rather than you, but you couldn’t stop your breath from speeding up as you held your chest, trying to lower your anxiety.

“I want you to be fucking quiet for once.” Rafe fumed angrily, now stalking towards you. “I want you to stop getting shitfaced just to embarrass me.” he spat, referring to last night.

As he stalked towards you, you made a run for it, successfully reaching the other side of the room, but this pissed him off even more you could see the way his jaw clenched even from where you were standing.

“Yeah, because the whole world revolves around Rafe!” you sarcastically nodded with a fake smile. He was fucking delusional if he thought you would purposely get drunk just to fall asleep on another man and embarrass him.

He rolled his eyes in response, jaw ticking again.

“I'm at least happy you got your anger out on someone other than me last ni-” Your words were cut off by empty glass being thrown directly at your face; luckily, you dodged it, falling to the floor and covering your head immediately.

Thankfully, the glass was thick enough that it didn’t break. What the fuck. If that would have hit your face, Rafe could have fucking killed you. You didn't know how you went from trying to comfort your boyfriend to almost being killed by him so fast. He was so unpredictable it was scary, and since you were so lost in thought, you didn't realize he was now right in front of you.

“You know why I hurt you, don't you?” Rafe questioned, voice now calm… scarily calm as he kneeled in front of you, brushing a hand over your hair.

You didn't respond; you were shaking and now crying. You were too terrified to even look up at him, too scared of what was coming next.

“Look at me.” Rafe sneered before tightening his once soft grip on your hair and using it to pull your head back and make eye contact.

You groaned at the feeling, more tears falling from your face as the pain intensified every second. You regretted even trying to make him feel better in the first place. Fuck, you regretted even meeting him.

“You know why I hurt you, don't you?” Rafe questioned again. This time, his voice was harsher, and his eyes grew darker the longer you didn't respond, but you didn't care you weren't answering that stupid fucking question; Rafe had no excuse to hurt you no matter what you did, and you weren't about to validate his reasoning.

“This is exactly why.” Rafe scolded, grabbing more hair as his grip tightened further. You screamed out in pain, but he quickly covered your mouth with his other hand as he continued. “You’re disrespectful.” he critiqued as he spoke through his teeth.

You were sobbing into his hand, tears soaking his fingers as he looked down at you with a storm brewing in his eyes. Rafe wanted to hurt you; Your boyfriend wanted you to feel exactly how he did when he entered his room in the first place.

“You’re kinda pathetic, you know.” Rafe looked you up and down, grip still tight on your hair.

“You're already crying, and I barely even touched you yet.”

༶•┈┈୨♡୧┈┈•༶

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Wanna see more? Check out my fic ‘bad liar’

[anadiasmount]

just friends? or more? - jude bellingham x reader.

quick sum: interviews and late night talks. but it’s always hard to see your best friend leave for his away games. no matter the distance or duration.

wc: 3k | masterlist | jude's masterlist

psa🗣️: happy new year everyone, hope everyone is doing okay! 🤍 mixed a request with my own imagination. this was supposed to be a small blurb but I ended up writing more. best friends to lover trope 🫂 🧟‍♀️ hope you enjoy! 🤍

“it must be an excitement to see him play at this level and talent?” the journalist asked you, to which you nodded and smiled. “it’s quite a pleasure honestly. it’s what he’s always wanted and we couldn’t be more proud,” you replied calmly not knowing where exactly to look at. 

your eyes glanced from her, to the camera and then jude who was walking back from the tunnels. “recalling all his goals from this current season, which one has been your favorite? could there be a sort of muse to inspire and motivate him to this level?” she asked curiously, leaving you thinking. 

“my favorite probably, okay wait actually i don’t know if i wanna say because i don’t want to get dragged, but it was special to see him win his debut here in the bernabeu, even if it was a tap in,” you laugh, “his goal against napoli and barcelona are one for the books as well.” you kept glancing behind her to see jude standing there cockily, arms crossed with a smirk plastered on his face. 

“as for a muse, i’d say himself and the people around him whether it’s friends or family even the fans. with the constant support and wins, seeing how the team reflects, how he can do more. overall i think it’s just him and the healthy mentality he has,” you say shyly, nodding your head as you spoke, jude then decided to intervene. 

“erm excuse me? this is my interview,” you say in a teasing manner, stepping on your tiptoes to reach his hug. “i apologize. just wanted to come over and say hi,” jude says playfully making everyone smile. “we were just asking y/n about if there could be a certain muse to make you perform at this level. is there anything you would like to say about that?” the journalist asks. 

jude scratches his brow and looks down smiling, “well to be honest there is someone…but for privacy reasons or maybe to not jinx it, i’ll keep it hidden… they’re truly wonderful and inspire me to do my best every time,” he says with a huge grin looking down to you where you stand. your eyes connected and for a second maybe he was dedicating this to you? you thought. 

as the journalist wrapped up her interview the two of you teased and joked around, answering her questions politely and respectfully, making sure to wish her the best of luck and a small be careful. the thoughts of him having a ‘muse’ still didn’t go away from your head.  if he was referring to you or if there was someone he had yet to tell you about. 

jude was always private with his life, but around you he couldn’t stop yapping, always with a smile in his face when he spoke about him. but this had you questioning just a bit, if there was more to your close friendship. to his longer and more intense stares towards you, his touch on your waist when out together, always asking to stay longer and cuddle. 

it wasn’t just you who had noticed it, his teammates as well, often teasing both of you especially jude as you would hear it when he called you after training. don't even get started on the media, replays, and many comments on the two of you when together, always asking if you were dating, or saying they lived for your friendship.

there was something different and you couldn’t avoid it any longer, being left confused with your feelings. it began to feel like love. you can’t love your best friend, you couldn’t take a risk like that.  

“you’re awfully quiet? something in your mind? i know something’s up so don’t say it’s anything,” jude remarked, squinting his eyes. you let a soft chuckle out and turned to face him, “i’m just tired… also i was reading some of the comments from our interview,” you lied offering a quick smile and showing him your open instagram page. he raised his brow and got out the car. 

you trailed behind him to where you were greeted to a quiet home. jude quickly slipped on some slides and dropped his bag in the mud room. you took of your shoes and walked into the kitchen to prepare some dinner for the two of you. as you glanced around you felt jude hug you from behind, his face leveled next to yours making you jump. “fridge is full?” he asked.

“oh yeah. i went grocery shopping and brought the necessities! refilled the fridge, got toothpaste, and i also got you those scooby doo cookies you love so much,” your hand interlocked with his that was around your waist as you pointed to the cabinet above you. just then you realized how close the two of you were. 

it felt like you had moved in, and shared a house together. you never ever had shared a bed, but for the past month you had, waking up with jude on top of you or your back next to his chest. having breakfast daily together and him waiting for you to come back from uni or work. hanging out more than usual, cuddling more than usual. the his and hers titles applying to the two of you, when brushing your teeth, your mugs, sharing clothes, having your shoes aligned by the door. 

jude felt you tense asking what was wrong but you shook your head, “after dinner, i might go home,” you tell him watching the smile disappear from his face. “what? why? do you want me to go with you? you should just stay it's already late, i want to you to stay” jude insisted, making up different reasons as to why you should stay the night. 

it’s not that you didn't want to be with jude tonight, you did, to feel him hold you and kiss your head at night. but the thought of acting like a couple, with no label, with your best friend made you freakout, because what if how you felt wasn't how he did? what if you read the cards wrong and it was only you who fell over heels for your best friend? what if he didn't love you like you did? 

“i’ll think about it, i said i might go, still debating, i haven't seen the roomies in a while and we want to have a girls night,” you said trying to calm the panic that overtook his body. “i don’t mind joining, you guys just do spa night, drink wine, and talk, i’ll be like one of the girls…” jude shrugged jokingly, making your eyes roll playfully. 

“okay decide what you want to eat so we can start cooking,” you recalled, grabbing a pan and heating up some oil. jude played his old songs playlist, singing along to the songs you remembered, your arms wrapping around his shoulders as he led you to dance in the middle of the kitchen, his soft brown eyes never leaving yours as he sang happily. would this be what it felt like to be a couple? 

the tv show played softly on the background, jude fast asleep on your chest letting out small snores. he refused to let you leave as the time you had finished eating and talking was super late, leaving with no choice but to stay once again. it felt like home, jude felt like your home, they way you fit perfectly in each other's arms. you turn the tv off, squinting your eyes in confusion as you saw his phone ping. 

jocelyn:

thanks for the other day! hope we can see each other again, had so much fun! 

your heart sank looking back at jude who was still sound asleep on your chest, feeling your eyes burn with tears and your stomach sink further down. you controlled your breathing, feeling stupid and naive for actually believing and falling for him. it wasn't his fault, it was you for letting yourself believe there could be something. you would never be his, there was already someone else in his life to fill your spot. 

you were able to manage to sneak off the next morning without a word or budge from jude, feeling trapped and claustrophobic around him when he hugged you from behind. you couldn't stop thinking about his words from yesterday's interview and his ‘muse’, the way his touch still burned on your skin, the way he hid a girl from you. it felt like you were the other woman even though you had no clue who she was. 

you fiddled with your keys, opening the door to a silent home once again, darting straight to your room where you fell onto your beg with small whimpers and sobs, crying over a boy. you weren't able to sleep last night, so you didn't even feel when you fell asleep, forgetting about reality for the day. 

jude was left confused and curious as to why you weren't there, next to him. he called and called, texting you over and over again, becoming worried when there was no response from you. he was unable to focus during recovery and training session, thinking of how you suddenly left, and how distant and tense you were yesterday. he wondered if you had school, or if you something came up with your roommates. 

jude wanted to hang out before he had to travel away for the weekend. spend as much time with you. his head should be focused on winning and on the team to advance in the ‘copa del rey’ but he couldn't when he hadn't heard from you. 

jude was deep in. as every day went by his love for you grew more and more, knowing it could be risk for your friendship. he had the urge to just yell out how much he loved you, how badly he wanted to call you his, to finally stop playing around and put a label. it was hard to read you and that killed him more. feeling hopeless and desperate, he called again quickly listening to your voicemail. 

you had jude’s head spinning, heart skipping beats at the thought of you, and he was left with no choice but to show up the day before he left at your doorstep. your eyes frantically roamed jude who stood with a serious look on his face, almost shutting the door at him out of nervousness. jude let himself in, turning to you quickly brows drawn in. “is there a reason why you are not answering your phone?” he asked seriously, no taint of playing around. 

“i needed to catch up on some uni work. i have so much to do still, and i wanted to focus on getting the hard part out first,” you say unsure, as his brows draw in with bewilderment. 

“but yet couldn't answer one phone call from me?”

“jude-”

“i’ve been left worried, thinking if you were okay after you randomly left without saying anything? i don't like you shutting me out y/n, i understand you were busy but a text even would’ve taken me out of my misery,” jude huffed letting out a sign of disappointment, walking to the couch and staring at your study layout. books and books, open pages of your notes, and your laptop that sounded louder than usual. 

“i just wanted to give you space and time for yourself. i don't wanna seem clingy or attached because all we've done for the past month is be together at house. i just thought you might’ve wanted to do something else with your teammates or other people,” you say embarrassed, daring to spill the girls name from the other night. 

“well you thought wrong, the only person i want to be with is you. i wanted to see you before i left tomorrow,” jude said with a small frown, hands digging into his hands. ‘the only person i want to be with is you’ should have not stung like it did, the ache in your chest as you heard him say that, bitting your lip to hold back the tears that wanted to build up. though you were stronger than that. 

“what about jocelyn?” you asked carefully being met with a quiet jude, giving you a questioning look. “what about her?” maybe it was the way he had said it or the fact he was upset but you now regretted bringing her up knowing it had triggered something. “didn’t she mention-” you were cut off by jude.

“jocelyn is my stylist when i’m here in madrid. she invited me to have brunch with her and her girlfriend when you were taking a midterm this week. I didnt mention it because it was a fast meal, just food and talking,” jude said. you felt utterly stupid and left more embarrassed than before, wanting to punch yourself for quickly making up assumptions instead of asking for clarification. 

“oh.”

“wait.. how do you know about jocelyn? did you think something else?” jude asked, lifting his head from his hands. you rubbed your shoulder anxiously not knowing how exactly to respond, “you mentioned her the other day, i just assumed,” you lied quickly, “also i saw her message the other night i stayed over.” jude had caught you, and now he wasn't going to let the opportunity to go to waste. “

“so that's what this is about?” 

“i don't know what you're talking about…” you shrugged quickly, dismissing his tone. 

jude ushered you to come over, and like a puppet you quickly followed his request. you stood in the middle on his legs that were spread, shifting your weight from one foot to another, contemplating what to say or where to look. “you thought jocelyn meant something else to me didn't you…” jude asked to which you nodded slowly. 

“would have it bothered you if it did? if she did mean something to me?” he asked softly, watching as your eyes looked around and landed on his, you let out a small “yes” in a quiet tone, jude smirking. 

“well, it’s a good thing you don't have to worry about that. jocelyn doesn't mean anything, and the only person who does to me is you,” jude spoke softly, you shuddered a breath as you felt his fingertips trace from your calves all the way up behind your thighs, making you lose balance and grip his shoulder to regain it. “jude-” you warn again, but quickly gulp as he repeated his actions. 

“the way you smile, the way you hold my hand, the way your eyes glimmer when you let me rant about anything. i love it all. the only person who makes me feel like that is you… all i want is you, y/n. to have and to hold, to love and cherish, to protect and kept by my side forever,” jude gripped your thighs and pulled you onto his lap where you gasped. 

“can’t you see that? hmm? can't you see how much i love you? how badly i want to make you mine and call you my girlfriend officially? they say it's forbidden to fall for your best friend, but who cares about those rules when what we have is real. a genuine love.” 

your lips pursed open, letting out a shaky breath before speaking again. he had that effect, leaving you breathless even if it was a small action. “this whole time i thought i had it wrong, and that it was just me who saw the sudden shift in our friendship. who felt the feelings. i know it was wrong from me to have assumed that when i have no right, but i thought there was someone else,” you reply. 

jude’s hands roamed your thighs, making you relax to his touch, “it drove me crazy two nights ago as i rethought our whole friendship. it felt not weird but it felt like we were living a life with no label placed, acting like a couple because we just felt the need to or we had just gotten that close. not only did it confuse me but also scared me, and it made me distant,” you continued. 

“what you feel here,” you pointed and touched his heart, “is what i feel here,” you then pointed to your heart, which was beating like crazy not only at revealed feelings but also the proximity you two were. “i want you to know that i can't stop thinking about you no matter where i am or if i’m this close to you,” you reassured him and yourself. that this was reality.  

“you have no idea how long i’ve waited to hear you say that… to say that you love me. everyone could see it, everyone teased us for it, but we were scared. but i’m not scared to take this risk, because it means i get to have you here and forever. to love you,” jude said making your eyes go glossy. 

“is this actually happening?” you laughed and sniffled, “because if it's not and i’m dreaming i’m going to be mad,” you say. “it's all real, i could pinch you if you want, to make you believe it? or i could kiss you to seal our relationship?” jude offered with a huge grin, making you raise your eyebrow. “you haven't even asked me to be your girlfriend yet,” you remark. 

“my beautiful y/n… do you want to be my girlfriend?” instead of replying, you sealed your answer with a kiss. a kiss that sealed also promises and your love forever. jude’s lips molded into yours, tugging him closer by his broad shoulders as his hands delicately rubbed along your thighs. he tasted like honey, not having enough by how gentle and passionate he was being with you. “my jude. my jude forever,” you say still kissing his lips as he smiled into it.

“i love you princess.”

[annabelle--cane]

Hey so I'm not good at subtext and I saw you posting about ep 200 of TMA being awesome. I've listened to it a few times and I'm mostly...confused? I don't understand what happened

(I mean, I get what Martin did to Jon, but nothing other than that)

Would you mind explaining why it's impactful to you?

honestly the main standout thing that makes it really shine to me is the soundscaping and vocal editing, and I've seen people take that as an indirect snide comment about the writing before but it really isn't, the entire scene in the panopticon just sounds gorgeous. the distortion and static on jon's voice, the underscoring of the statement, the way jon and martin's dialogue pops out from the sounds of the crumbling tower, it's just. aaaaaaaaaa. I find it really pleasant to listen to, if you've only listened through speakers then I'd 100% recommend trying it with headphones, it is simply very pretty and well made.

from the story side, it's beat after beat of ultimate catharsis for threads and arcs that have been set up for the whole show.

jon going ham and just really brutally killing jonah with his own hands, no supernatural influence, finally fulling snapping and, it sounds like, gutting him like a fish. it's just about the most lively and impassioned we've heard him all season, and, as far as anyone could deserve to do such a thing, he really is the person who deserved to get to do it.

jon and martin both betraying each other and making the choices that the whole story has been leading them to. jon has spent years fighting against his internalized idea that he can't trust anyone and he's the only person who's powerful/expendable/knowledgeable enough to make decisions and solve problems, and at last he submits to it and takes matters into his own hands. martin has spent years operating under the assumption that he's unimportant and incapable, and now just as he finally accepts that his choices have meaning, he sets the plan in motion that ends up getting them both killed. and jon has tried so hard to be transparent and show him trust that he underestimates just how willing jon is to go behind his back and disregard the plan completely.

and the fuckign. web lighter. I have a longstanding obsession with the mechanics of fate in tragedy narratives, and this lighter. hhh. so, fate (the web) was guiding jon & co to release the fears, but to jon's knowledge, killing jonah and becoming the pupil should have been his winning move to keep them contained. as far as he was capable of comprehending, he made all the right choices, but fate (the web) (the oppressive forces that govern all of our lives) doesn't play fair, it planned for this and cheated him. because he couldn't remember the lighter. he couldn't remember that he already gave georgie the catalyst for the explosion.

this tells me a few things: the ultimate end of releasing the fears was always going to happen, there was nothing jon could have done, but, technically, he could have adhered to the plan and lived to spend what was left of his life with martin and the rest of his nearest and dearest. but that was never really an option, was it? jon archivist sims would never have made that decision, that's why martin tried and failed to plan around it, that's why the web tried and succeeded to plan around it, it would never have happened differently. jon made his choice, it made no difference except to doom himself and the one he loves, he didn't have to do it, and it was inevitable.

and after all of that, after the web cheated him, he could still have won. he could have survived the tower collapse and kept the fears. but one of his biggest stated motives, over and over, is that he can't stand to lose anyone else, and martin is not immune to burning buildings the way he is. in an inverse to gertrude, at the last moment, he chose the barest chance for martin to survive over his own life and principles and big picture goals. he could cope with being responsible for killing the world in the abstract, but when it came to watching the person he loves most die right before his eyes, he caved and came around to martin's perspective. the other worlds can cope, he wants to save the man he loves.

[niningtori]

just an update

hi my sweet friends. not sure if anyone really wants to read this but i thought i'd give an update on how i'm doing since a lot of people seemed concerned about me/my health and there are so many comments on my initial post about it that i honestly can't even muster up the strength to reply to all of them but i do want to say thank you and i love you to everyone who left kind words/asks in response to my struggles. it was very encouraging to read that people cared and it motivates me to continue posting on this account and honestly to just keep going in general.

as far as writing goes, i'm actually working on something that not many people have really asked for but i do still hope that you all enjoy it! i think you will. my headspace still isn't the best at the moment so it's most certainly not the best thing i've ever written but i do want to get it out there and just prove to myself that i can still write (lmao) so i'm asking for you all to please be kind when i post it even if it's not indicative of me at my peak.

that's it! thank you everyone. i love you and will see you relatively soon ❤️

[theshiftingfairy]

Ok, i wasn’t going to talk about those posts that are coming recently into shiftblr, who spreads limiting beliefs from shifttok but here is my five cents on the issue :

i didn’t see them, like at all. Instead i have a feed full of people loosing their mind over shifttok taking control on tumblr and dictate what is right or wrong in shifting. And i completely understand the feeling, the moment i realised there where other platform than TikTok to find shifting information and motivation, i left the app for tumblr, where i found a lot more grace for the « old » shifter that i am (like, it’s not even an issue here, i wouldn’t have dared to state my age on shifttok so i mostly didn’t interact and was a silent viewer.)

And i think the reason i don’t see those misinformation posts is because when i did see posts like that when i arrived on the app, i rapidly scrolled past them and the algorithm understood i wasn’t interested. The way algorithms works is by measuring your engagement on posts and push on you content that are similar to what you are already the most engaged on. This is calculated by the likes and comment you leave of course, but it also takes note of how long you stay on one posts (i don’t know about tumblr specifically, this is in general). In any case, i don’t take any chance, if i don’t want to see more of something, i don’t even bother to block, i immediately scroll past it. And for me at least, it has been more effective than blocking.

And you can argue that it’s because i engaged with content complaining about shifttok it keeps being pushed on my page, i think it’s absolutely the case, i have a few people i follow who spoke about it and i did like some of those post and commented on some too. And tbh, i will stop engaging with those content because all i see is complaints, anger and frustration and yes, it is TikTok all over again, not because of people trying to control what others do, but because of people being frustrated.

I want my feed to be full of storytimes from people who have shifted, without it being romanticised by the readers, like i saw it happening often on TikTok, with people demanding more storytimes like it’s a tv show, or becoming incredibly rude when they did not agree with the choices made by the shifters they follow.

I want to see advices from others shifters sharing what is helpful to them, but not claiming this is how you shift and you have to follow those exact steps, because every one is different and different things work for different people.

I want to see scenarios idea, headcanon, scripts . I want to see shifters having fun with their dr without getting on each other’s throats because they don’t agree with what the other is doing. I think discussing a disagreement with respect is awesome, saying i don’t agree with you and move on is ok, harassing people and threatening them because you disagree with them is not leading anywhere and is only building up anger on both sides and it’s frustrating for me as well to watch.

My personal advice for those who are frustrated right now is to keep going with their usual content, ignore content you disagree with and see if it keeps being pushed to you and block if someone harasses you. I know when the shifting tags are used, there is more chance to see those content you don’t want, but i think it’s not worth loosing hair over it.

Again, explaining your point of view, and why think what you think while staying respectful is awesome. I saw amazing posts explaining age changing and race changing (@mywitchyblog all their post are amazing, and it is very important to have a blog tackling touchy subjects like this and open dialogue ) and if the other party can’t accept reasonable explanation, there is nothing left to do than block and ignore, they won’t change their mind. They just don’t want to.

They decided to police what others do instead of focusing on their own shifting journey. Honestly, they will either judge us too toxic and leave on their own or they will create a new community within the existing one.

The huge issue i see with this unfortunately is for new shifters, they wouldn’t know what content is good or bad, and if the community gets so divided it will be harder to know what to trust. That’s the only thing where, i don’t really know what to do except continue posting.

Anyway, i was mostly frustrated only seeing complaints and while i share the frustration, i think it’s best to focus on our own journey and continue sharing what is helpful to us.

Happy Shifting 🧚🏻‍♀️

[davidbowielovesyou]

I really love your thitcs work on ao3, and it's even helped inspire me to write my own fic!! do you perhaps have any words of advice for a first time fic writer?

Oh gosh. I'm flattered to be asked! I've been thinking about this all day trying to come up with an answer that's not the same thing as what other people say.

Like, write for yourself first. You hear that all the time but it's true.

Um, this is kind of a life in general thing, but it's really helped me with writing too, is to follow the energy. If something gives you a zingy feeling LOL. Pursue it. Because if it makes you zing then the zing is going to show in the work and will give everybody else zings 😆

I wrote Stay and On Your Shore and half of The Family of Things on a hyperfixation spree and it honestly scared me a little bit because I was afraid of running out of steam before I was finished (and I did but I'm working on it again and I'm going to finish).

Another thing is to not treat it like it's precious. Be willing to edit it and hack it up and chop pieces off and write five versions of one scene just for fun. LOL don't treat it like your baby; treat it like your unbaked loaf of bread. You can slap it and roll it and slam it on the counter and let it sit in the sun until it doubles in size. That's what writing does, right?

And along with that line, if you have someone who wants to beta read, take advantage of it! I never had a beta reader until I was kicking around the idea of writing Stay in a Facebook group and someone offered to beta read. I almost said no thanks and that would have been the worst decision ever! Because having a second set of eyes has helped me sooooooo much and has made me write much better, has helped me push through tough spots, has given me great ideas, has laughed with me and cried with me, motivated me, inspired me to the point that I looked forward to reading my beta's comments so much that they were what I most looked forward to every week. I just can't speak highly enough of it. My first beta reader couldn't keep going and then I invited Lucky to take over (because fae always left super detailed and specific comments on my fics, and fae are a great writer faerself. And I made a friend for life.

The thing that has surprised me so much about writing fanfiction is the incredible amount of connection I've felt with my beta reader and my ao3 readers and commenters. Honestly it's been a major highlight in my life.

Sorry, I feel like this turned into an interview where I'm just telling you what writing has been like for me. LOL. Part of this is me trying to process your question and I have to think through all of this to get to where the answers are.

I think... to sum up, writing is like good bread that makes brain happy. Do things that make brain happy.

[msnihilist]

Okay so I know you're probably not into Miraculous Ladybug anymore but I got into the fandom a while ago and I read 'Stitch Me Up' and I absolutely love it. That is actually one of my favourite fics and I just want to thank you so much for writing it.

Like you cover what I think the entire fandom forgets: Marinette only started standing up to Chloe at the beginning of the year because Alya, who joined that year, became her first friend and inspired her to not take Chloe's bullying sitting down (+ Tikki also gave her confidence in herself)

One thing I absolutely detest are bullies, I have literally left fandoms because of how people overglorify bullies and try to downplay their actions or use their sad backstories to excuse them (honestly, I'll forever be in the 'cool motive, still murder' camp when it comes to villains) when they are such horrible people.

Mademoiselle my-daddy's-the-mayor spent years making Marinette's life a living hell just for her own pleasure and never faced any consequences. For three years she was the class president and had the entire school under her thumb and because Marinette was her favourite victim everyone just stood by and watched because the adults couldn't/wouldn't do anything and the children were too scared of her. And because of that I can assume that Chloe's behaviour was worse pre-origins

That's why my biggest pet peeve in fics is when Adrien stands up for/defends Chloe and tells Marinette to be patient/forgive her because he never lived through what she did (also fuck everyone telling the victim to forgive their abuser). Yeah, she's his friend and he has rose coloured glasses because of his years of isolation, neglect and abuse (I like Adrien, I really do but there are moments where I just can't stand how enabling he is - like at the end of Despair Bear where he just laughs and says that she'll never change after making Mylene cry, I just) but just because she's nice to him doesn't excuse how she tormented Marinette for years. She's allowed to feel bitter/resentful because Chloe is her bully and it's perfectly normal for a victim to feel that way. It's not her job to make her a better person and it's not her job to forgive her instantly (why is that so common in fics?) - or even to forgive her at all.

Like yeah, she has loving parents (who were powerless in this situation) but Chloe made sure she had practically no one for years - Marinette almost gave up the earrings when she first

And that's why I love your fic because you put down everything I've been thinking - Marinette only has friends now, she only has the confidence to stand up for injustice now. The fact that she's so positive doesn't mean that Chloe doesn't get to her, it just means that she's strong enough to live through years of bullying with a smile on her face. The fact that she stands up to Chloe doesn't mean that what Chloe does isn't that bad or that they have some kind of rivalry, it means that she finally has a support system (Alya and Tikki) after years of just taking it.

I'm so sorry for going on a rant but I think that you're the only person on ao3 that actually brings up how hard Marinette has had it pre-Origins and I'm so happy/here for that.

Just, you're a brilliant writer and thank you so much :)

I feel for Chloé, I really do, but it's not Marinette's job to fix her or to even forgive her. I keep that theme consistent even in my fics where I do give her a mini-redemption.

I don't really have anything to add, I just wanted to thank you for leaving me such a sincere comment. I'm glad that the fic I wrote could touch you so deeply, anon.

[olfoartz]

Now thinking about it I shoulda replied to those comments will less words (so they could understand what I’m saying) and instead shoulda replied with “blud thinks I care” LMAO 😭 I honestly don’t care about hate comments towards me or my art but some times they get to me.

In the past when ever i showed people my drawings they had mixed feelings and it pissed me off.

The earliest i remember was before I actually starting drawing my stuff. I would color in color sheets. One time I had been coloring in a Bambi color sheet in our local silly park (I don’t live there anymore) and a person I had considered a friend-ish had come up to me and “oo that looks cool” or something like that. Her sister came outside and then she switched to “that looks horrible” and so I left the park. Before my mom died and I had to move in with my aunt and uncle I never colored infront of others besides my mom.

After the accident making me and my sister move into my aunt and uncles home I had started to draw my own stuff (8 yrs old, started drawing wolves) because I was just starting out my drawings obviously looked horrible.

My uncle would always say (even if he found my drawings laying around) “it looks like a pot belly pig” “that is anatomically incorrect” “why does it look like that” and let’s just say even today (16 going to be 17 in March) I practically never showed / show him my drawings anymore. And I make sure to keep them far away from him.

After was summer camp, at the time I loved drawing and fr couldn’t stop for some reason 😭 I had brought a book to a summer camp and showed some of the people I shared a cabin with. At the time I was trying more realism-ish stuff bc of what my uncle had said in the past. The people who saw my drawings all pointing at a part of one of my drawings closer to the back legs and asked “is that its penis?” A girl who had brains said “no.” Because IT WASNT A FUCKING PENIS. Now i draw alone and only post stuff online. Even my sister and cousins don’t like my drawings but thats bc they’re incredibly anti furry.

The only ppl that like my drawings are 4 ppl at my school, online friends and my followers. Technically without y’all and those other people I mentioned I would have already stopped drawing, so thank you to friends, followers, and ppl who like my posts / comment. It motivates me to still draw. Ive seen videos of people asking “would you still draw if it meant no one would see them?” No. Its not bc of the likes or views but it’s bc of motivation. It would also be pointless to do art if no one ever saw it imo.

[waterfallsilverberrywrites]

Writing Tag Game

Thanks for the tag @lord-aldhelm! :)

About me

When did you start writing? Age 16, during school, but I didn't technically start writing fanfiction until my 20s. I was recovering from a nasty surgery and had nothing but time on my hands and so I started to write as a way to pass the time.

Are there different genres or themes you enjoy reading other than the ones you write? I enjoy reading a lot of horror/thriller books, and law dramas too.

Is there an author you want to emulate, or are compared to often? Oh gosh, that's a tough one! As much as I love Bernard Cornwell, Stephen King, Mari Mancusi, and too many author authors to name, I want to say no, I'm not compared to anyone that I know of, but ultimately I want to still sound like "me" when I write.

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space? I have my own writing office. A desk that I keep with minimal clutter but have made it into a cozy ambiance so when I sit down to write most nights I'm not distracted (much).

What’s your most effective way to muster up a muse? Honestly, most of my muses tend to come to me while either dreaming at night time (random but it happens) or while I'm bored at my day job and letting my mind wander and it starts to go into "What If" mode...

Did the place(s) you grew up in influence the people and/or places you write about? No.

Are there any reoccurring themes in your writing? If so, do they surprise you? Redemption is a troupe I will never get tired of. Also romance!

Characters

Would you please tell me about your current favorite character? I have to pick just one? Lol. Joking aside, Thyra from The Last Kingdom is probably my favorite character right now. She's a woman who's suffered so much torment and abuse and is absolutely the definition of "deserved better." And since Beocca is her husband and I can't bear to separate the two, I would say Beocca/Thyra are a package deal here. But a few close seconds are Jack/Sally (Nightmare Before Christmas) and Finan/Eadith, the ship for The Last Kingdom that should have been and sadly never will be.

Which of your characters would you be friends with in real life? Hmm, definitely Thyra/Beocca, and he'd probably annoy me, but I think I'd get on with Haesten too (TLK) even though he's a weasel on the show, and for Harry Potter, probably my OCs Norah and Ollie Black from my Harry Potter fanfics as well, I think we'd get on great. Oh, and Jack/Sally from my Nightmare Before Christmas fics.

Which characters would you dislike the most if you met them? Aethelwold, Tidman (Last Kingdom), Voldemort (Harry Potter)

Tell me about the process of coming up with your characters? Most of them are already made for me but for the few OCs I have, I tend to just find pictures I like online of people that I think fit the image of the character I have in mind, and then I build a character sheet for him/her and go from there. (sort of like a character sheet for DnD)

Do you notice any reoccurring themes/traits in your characters? Anger management issues (Beocca!), stubbornness, and perhaps a little naive (definitely Thyra and Sally for sure),

How do you picture your characters? I'm a big fan of Mood Boards on Pinterest but I also dabble a little in Photoshop and make my own character manips/images to use to have pulled up to look at while I write in their POVs. It might sound odd but it helps me imagine their look while I write and also to get into their headspace.

My writing

What’s your reason for writing? To fulfill a void the canon source material left in my heart or just because I came up with a "What if this happened" instead of the way that it did in canon.

Is there any specific comment or type of comment from readers that you find particularly motivating? Any and all comments are welcome, especially at this time when comment culture in fandom, at least for fanfics, has definitely changed since I've been a part of it!

How do you want to be thought about by your readers? As a good writer? Lol, not really sure how to answer this one. Hopefully good and that my stories made them happy if they enjoyed them!

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer? Angst and drama

Have you been told is your greatest strength as a writer is by others? Angst and writing character voices true to their forms

How do you feel about your own writing? Most of the time I feel like it's okay, but I do have spells where I look at chapters and think I could improve that or do better next time and then I struggle not to totally overhaul what I already have posted lol, a curse for me, honestly. I'm constantly working to improve. I suck at smut/fight scenes though, I would say those are my two biggest weaknesses.

If you were the last person on earth, would you still write? Yes, if only to keep myself company and maybe read my stories out loud.

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, do you write purely for yourself, or is it a mix of both? I write purely for myself and I treat where I post as an archive of sorts, with the mindset that I put them there where they'll be safe if something ever happens and my computer goes on the fritz, but if others happen to come along and enjoy the content I create, then that's an added happy bonus!

Feel free to play along! @holy3cake; @silverhyenaart; @foundtherightwords

[jbarneswilson]

20 questions for fic writers

thank you @pilesofpillows for tagging me!

1. how many works do you have on ao3?

27! i’d probably have more but i deleted a lot for a former fandom

2. what’s your total ao3 word count?

46,082 :(

3. what fandoms do you write for?

the mcu, mainly sarahbucky and attoye to be specific

4. what are your top five fics by kudos?

just a job, deliver me, not too tired, study break, stay high

5. do you respond to comments? why or why not?

i try really hard to respond to as many as i can! i’ve got adhd, i’m autistic, i have depression, and i’m a single mom, so it’s a miracle i can find the motivation/energy/brainpower/focus/time to write a fic at all. but! i cherish every single comment from everyone who’s enjoyed one of my fics. (also, sometimes i want to respond but i feel like too much time has passed and i’ll look like a weirdo or, worse, an asshole.)

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

oh, that would be the calm before the storm, hands down.

7. what’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

pretty much all of my fics except the keep the night from coming in ‘verse end happily? but maybe The Holidate ends the happiest?

8. do you get hate on fic?

my sarahbucky pegging fic got some hate from some repressed weirdo so i wrote even MORE pegging. oh, also, some asshole left me a really weird comment on the stand about wanting to see racism and bucky dealing with it in my next fic because apparently racism is a fun thought exercise and not a very real thing with very real consequences and a very tangible impact on black and brown peoples mental health. which was… fun.

9. do you write smut?

well, i’m an adult who has had sex so yes, i write smut.

10. do you write crossovers?

i’ve got a slight crossover in progress right now, actually! hopefully i can get it finished soon.

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

i doubt it

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

not even so much as a request for translation lol

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

i don’t play well with others

14. what’s your all-time favorite ship?

sarahbucky, hands down.

15. what’s a wip you want to finish but probably won’t?

my sarahbucky russian mafia au, sadly. or the sarahbucky werewolf au. adhd is a bitch.

16. what are your writing strengths?

ummmmmmmmm… saying a lot with a few words? my chracterization? idk

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

honestly, what isn’t? but, to give a specific example, i’d say i’m really not great at writing long fics even when i want to.

18. thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

if you’re going to do it, do your best to make sure the language is accurate/correct. if there’s someone in the fandom who speaks that language, it’s a good idea to ask if they’re willing to look over the dialogue for you. if there isn’t (or they’re not willing, which is totally valid), i usually will put the dialogue in a translation service, get it in the desired language, then use a different translation service to translate it back to english to make sure.

19. first fandom you wrote for?

soccer slash lol. the english premiere league of the mid-00’s to be precise.

20. favorite fic you’ve written?

stevie’s mom has got it goin’ on

i tag: @eusuntgratie @jemgirl86 @dasphinxone @xoxoviva and anyone else who’d like to do this!

[raviposting]

So I’m not going to really comment on the parent arc for the Buckleys and Hans since that’s not over yet, but I do find the reactions in the show on Chimney working it out vs not really interesting!

Looking at Hen, Buck, and Eddie here (not Albert because I love him but I think we all recognize that his character motivations boil down to “whatever is most convenient for the writers” lmao).

Buck is someone who’s already actively decided that his parents aren’t the people that matter on his life. They’ve never cared, they aren’t going to, and he can keep them at arms length and be respectful because he doesn’t even really consider them as important people. And it’s in that where he might muse if Albert is right - the same way he wonders how their life would be different if Daniel were alive - but he ultimately meets Chim at his level. Yeah, maybe Albert is right, but yeah, maybe Chim is right. He’s overall fairly neutral, as someone who’s removed himself from that relationship but is still in contact.

Eddie outright says Albert might be right, that Jee needs her grandfather - and honestly I don’t think he’d so wholeheartedly agree to that last season. Eddie is all about what’s best for kids, absolutely, but we know that he’s already reconciled with his father. They’re both putting in the work and their relationship has improved, and Eddie takes that and goes hey, yeah, maybe Albert is right, because I would have said no a year ago but now this relationship has improved so much more. The difference there of course, is that both people are putting in effort, while as Chim points out, his dad came because of Albert’s suggestion, but this is about Eddie’s perspective.

And with Hen - she doesn’t tell Chim he’s right or wrong, but what I love is how she focuses on what’s best for him. It’s not about reconciling with his dad, the way she did with her mom, it’s about making sure there was nothing left unsaid the way she had with her father. She’s not saying make up with him, or tell him to fuck off forever - she’s not making that choice for Chimney, because whatever he wants to decide is his choice alone.

It’s also interesting how these also tie into them as parents - Buck is taking that semi-detached (note: not in a negative connotation) route for being a donor; he’s excited and happy to get the sonogram but specifies it’s Connor’s baby, not his. He’s Chris’s dad but he’s also never said it - it’s a very in between world for him and his response in kind is also in between. Eddie puts Christopher first, even above what makes himself happy like we saw in season 5, and he encourages Chim to do what’s best for Jee. Hen has had this struggle with Denny’s bio parents, and with Nia, where she can see the benefit of both - she’s experienced the struggles and the beauty with both her kids and their biological parents, and she doesn’t take a stance on which is better. Hen focuses it not on what Chimney should or shouldn’t do as a parent, but what he should do as the child, for his own healing and betterment.

It’s just very nifty to see - it’s something that originally took me aback for some characters like Eddie to say this, but makes so much more sense to me in hindsight with how these characters view things in accordance to their own relationships with their parents and their experiences as parents themselves.

[dmc-questions-anon]

prototypelq:

"I chose two fairly easy lyrics to guess their respective songs, but both can have a wide array of interpretation, and I`m interested in yours, so here goes

Savior, Bloodstain, Hellfire, Shadow - who do you think each one represents?

can you control the hate you have learned, killing slow is the way I conquer untill you know the meaning of suffer, step twice you invite, welcome death - what song is this from, and what is your reading of this lyrics?"

(Song Interpretation)

First lyrics are from Crimson Cloud. Honestly as for your question I have no idea, however I once did see a good analysis on it and am going to give you a screenshot of that because I agree.

(I'm going to give their whole analysis because it's pretty good)

(Image Description:

(2 years ago this was posted by twistedlegacy5942 on YouTube in the comments of the song, it reads: Best thing that I love about this song, it all eludes to V's birth, the events within DMC5, and Vergil's humanity. It's like a poem as a song. In fact, I think I've deciphered just about every lyric:

Savior, Bloodstain, Hellfire, Shadow! (Savior either refers to either Nero or the Yamato, because Nero ended up saving V and bringing him to Vergil thus saving V/Vergil and the Yamato is what was used to save Vergil from dying, at the risk of discarding his humanity. Bloodstain either refers to the pool of blood Vergil left Nero in when tearing his arm off, or the blood staining Yamato when Vergil stabbed himself. Hellfire is the hellfire the surrounded Vergil when he started transforming into Urizen, and shadow is the shadow of Urizen that cascades itself over V and the family portrait)

Heaven on a Landslide! (referring to the urgency of the situation, and how Urizen is a devil of such power and "motivation" that he will essentially topple the heavens (much like we see in the illusion when Urizen bites the apple, eventually the sky shatters like glass).)

(Image description: If you have to ask, it's too late! Somewhere in-between, your character grace! An eye on fantasy, touching nails! Sparks fly, off of me and on to you! (Refers to how people keep asking who V is, and that it is too late for an answer as he needs to keep his identity hidden to return to Urizen. It also states how V is somewhere in between Vergil's trauma and lust for power, the "grace" of Vergil's humanity that he keeps buried. It also elaborates on how V /Vergil was an artisan once, having "an eye on fantasy" / poetry, and touching his nails to instruments such as a violin as V shows in his emote. It also refers to how sparks flew from V and onto Vergil when they were separated (just as Vergil turned into Urizen). Brothers in the dark, fight for your life! Devils in the dark, fight for your life! (Beautifully references how Dante and Vergil are feuding over their life's purpose. The two of them have always stood in the way of the other's happiness/life goal. Dante fights because he loves humanity, yet Vergil has threatened them time and time again. Vergil on the other hand fights because Dante has always stopped Vergil from achieving his "destiny" of inheriting/surpassing the power of the devil Sparda. It also may refer to how their devil halves are also at war/opposites, as Dante's is constantly being denied and rejected while Vergil's is embraced and idolized.))

(Image description: Devil in my blood, living on the edge! Split myself in two, death is all around! Summoning the power, drag myself through pain! Blood spills, off of me and onto you! (Refers to Vergil's pride in being a half-devil, and how he split himself in two. It then refers to the literal death of countless humans Urizen causes with the Qliphoth tree. Next it refers to how Urizen summons the power of the blood fruit to try and take over the underworld & earth, unknowingly dragging himself and his humanity through pain and possible destruction. Finally, it refers to how Urizen's blood is spilled onto Dante as he is stabbed and brought to near death on the ground.) Crimson Cloud! Evening the score! (Refers to the moment of truth, where Urizen is lying on the ground and Vergil stands on top of him. If you look carefully you can see a bloody mist or fog surrounding the two of them, and a red rift in the sky. It then refers to Vergil's inevitable return, and the desire to even the score between him and Dante.) SO, this song is beautiful and it all eludes to the truth behind the mystery of V and the final confrontation of the game.))

Another interpretation in the replies of that comment for that line is that each symbolizes a main character, Savior being Nero, Bloodstain being Vergil, Hellfire being Dante, and Shadow being V.

As for the second lyric given, I'm not sure what song it is. It feels very much like a DMC 3 song, but I thought I listened to all three of them? Is there another one? Is it not from DMC 3? I need to listen to rest of the DMC soundtrack. As for the meaning, you get a disappointing I don't know.

[zyafics]

It is kind of crazy how we never actually like our work, right? Or maybe we do, but not as something that is good, just something that we really wanted to read(?) Idk if that makes sense. However, i'd like you to know that the mean voice in your head telling you your work is not  good is not true and it's not you. I'm really glad you liked my ask, I only tell the truth. And I meant what I said about Play Fake being my favorite story <3. I actually consider it an entire universe in my head. I have some ideas about those moments that we don't see in the story, you know?  Maybe we can see some drabbles about those scenes, huh, huh... what do you think?  *pleading face emoji* 

Also, I'd like to ask if you ever thought about Cameron Twins... you know, like TWO Rafes? Two brothers who share... everything. Oh, wait...what was I saying? Oh, yes, yes, I love your work. 

P.S.: I might or might not have forgotten my tumblr password hahah   (don't worry, I'll remember it... I hope so.

- T.

for me, it's definitely because the voice in my head cannot comprehend that people like my stories. i always hyper-analyze every little details when i post—why i didn't do x, or why reader is doing x and is it too annoying, or something about the way my writing feels stiff and unnatural. i'm trying to get better at it, i swear!! honestly, hearing you guys feedbacks and sweet words honestly motivates me to keep going. like i'm on part ten right now and i feel so stuck but i keep rereading all the nice asks and comments people have left and i push forward 🩷🥹 but omg, having a whole universe in your head is crazy!! tell me about some of the drabble ideas you have! i would love to write them 🙂‍↔️

also, woah?? did you read my mind?? i swear to god, this morning, i was walking and toyed with the idea of cameron twins. it's down the darker route, but like, what if one twin died and one had to take up the role of the other brother? forcing himself into that lifestyle and have everything the dead brother had—including his gf? it's twisted, but it was definitely there!

and ily!! seeing u in my inbox again warms my heart and i really hope you remember your tumblr password (i, too, had that problem when i forgot my phone's passcode. i was in shambles 😭)

[aerodaltonimperial]

Firstly, you are wonderful and fantastic and I adore all of creations. ♥️

Secondly, keep in mind that the thing about Imposter Syndrome means that you inherently know you DO have the ability! If you actually didn't, it couldn't be Imposter Syndrome. You can't feel it without really being absolute ace at whatever it is you do. ♥️♥️

Thirdly, an actual question: Is there anything else your friends and fans can do to help? This is anon, but only because it doesn't matter who I am, only that I'm pretty damn sure I speak for everyone when I say you're awesome. And you could choose to never create again, and I would still think you're awesome. ♥️♥️♥️

Okay, I apologize for the delay, but I wanted to make sure I answered this! Because first off, thank you SO much. ❤️ That honestly means so much, and I'm so grateful that you took the time to say it, and I really can't explain how much I appreciate this. ❤️❤️ You are probably correct with the imposter syndrome thing, haha, but that's also a lot of other things bleeding over into fandom. But the reason that it's bleeding over, I think, is partly because of current engagement.

Unfortunately, fic engagement has been dwindling for months. And I am SO GRATEFUL to everyone who is here reading and interacting and leaving comments, because you are AMAZING and you are actual heroes and I want to shower you all with so much love. But in terms of the overall, it's been going steadily down, and as it turns out, that's actually really demoralizing. Tumblr is a wasteland of posting ficlets or snippets, and honestly AO3 is only slightly better. And anyone who writes know how much motivation one single comment can provide!!

Now, I know there are likely a hundred reasons for this. I pretty much left a big popular pairing! I totally understand if people were only reading for that! And I am not a smut writer - I mean, I try, but it's just not my forte, haha, and that's what a lot of people are in fandom for, and again, this is completely valid!! I'm not (with the exception of Orange/Hook) writing anything that's a current running storyline - so again, totally valid, people are into what's unfolding every week. I understand that I may simply not be writing what people want. This is totally valid. This is totally fine!! Again, NOT BAD OR WRONG.

I'm just struggling with it, as fandom is one of the only things I do. I work, I parent, I run, and I.... watch wrestling. I consume no other media. I simply don't have time. So I end up starting to wonder, oh, if people are tired of me and my fic, that's fine, but maybe I don't need to bother? Like, I will probably still write, but maybe just not post it? And Vamp and I have had discussions about this, as things sort of just went quiet. Do we want to keep writing? Or do we just sort of... stop? (We love creating so much though.) So I guess to your question, I miss the interactions. I miss the engagement. I miss having all of that because we are all excited about something. And maybe that's simply not something that is possible now with how fractured fandom is, how busy people are, how many of our performers are out. But that's what I miss. Times change, and I'm likely holding onto what it was like 6 months ago through nostalgia, but haha. 🤣 it's been hard to adjust to, I think.

Thanks for popping this into my inbox. ❤️❤️ I really appreciate that you took the time to do so. ❤️❤️

[semperama]

hi erin i was wondering if you had any advice for how to deal with not getting any comments on a fic. i'm in a pretty small fandom and i get the same (small) amount of kudos as many other writers there. but i recently posted a pretty personal fic that i worked extremely hard on for months, so hopeful that it might resonate with people, and now i just feel crushed. i'm working on new fics but I keep thinking that I’m probably only setting myself up for more disappointment ;(( any thoughts? ty <3

Hi, anon! I'm sorry to hear you feel like your hard work has gone unnoticed. That's such an awful feeling. I can't say I'm an expert, because I haven't been in a fandom small enough that it was normal to get no comments, but I do know what it's like to work hard on something and be disappointed by the response. I have a few things that might help.

If you can, I really recommend trying to make friends in your fandom. Especially in small fandoms, it can be such a lifesaver in terms of getting feedback and keeping your motivation. A good keysmash in the comments of a Google Doc can be just as satisfying as a dozen comments on AO3. Finding someone you trust to beta read your fic, or to bounce ideas off of, is a good idea in ANY fandom, but it can be especially helpful in small fandoms to keep from feeling like you're shouting into the void. And make sure you're giving back to others as well! Leave some comments on other people's fic! Follow them on tumblr and hype up their projects! Do whatever you can to tap into the community that is there.

I hate to say it, but part of it really is adjusting your expectations. If everyone in the fandom gets a handful of kudos at most, then you need to go into writing for that fandom with your eyes wide open, knowing that even if you pour your blood, sweat, and tears into something, all you can expect is that same handful of kudos. That says nothing about you as a writer. You could write an absolute masterpiece, and if there are only 10 people interested in that subject, you're only going to get 10 people to read it. And that's okay! That doesn't mean you've failed in any way, and you should still be proud of your accomplishments. But you can't get blood from a stone, you know? If the audience isn't there, it isn't there. In a way, that can be freeing though. The problem with large audiences can be the expectation of a huge response every time and feeling like you failed if you don't get it. In very small fandoms, at least you know the lack of response is due to the lack of people, not something you did wrong!

Related to the previous point, if you're going to be writing for a fandom where getting lots of (or any) comments isn't the norm, then you should try to find a way to measure success for yourself that doesn't have to do with comments. That often just means writing something you are proud of and you enjoy reading. Especially in the case where you're writing about subjects that are personal to you, make sure you take the time to appreciate the catharsis it brings you. Pat yourself on the back for how you're improving your writing skills by getting in touch with your own emotions and experiences and turning them into stories. Those things aren't useless if they don't reach a huge audience. You are improving yourself by doing it!

All that being said, if it really is a super duper tiny fandom and there's no community to get involved with and you don't think you'll ever be happy writing for mostly yourself, I do honestly think there's a time when you have to ask yourself if you need to move on. I personally suck at writing for myself. If no one's going to read it, I don't want to write it, haha. In the past when fandoms have died or my friends have left, I've jumped ship too, because I need the community aspect. Fandom isn't fun for me without it. Everyone's different though! I've known people who are happier writing for fandoms so rare no one else is writing for them. It just comes down to both your tolerance for the lack of feedback and how much you feel compelled by this particular fandom.

Anyway, sorry I got so long-winded and I'm sorry if none of that is helpful! I hope you can glean something from it at least, and I hope you are able to feel proud of yourself for finishing a personal fic, which is SO hard to do, even if it didn't get the response you were hoping for. <33

[bisexualshakespeare]

BTS: I’ll write a DVD commentary about my personal favorite passage from Harvest Festival series :D

Question from this post

I think I'll do the part in Eckleberry Pie where Graydon goes to find Boorman to apologize

Boorman wasn’t far. Graydon found him downstairs in the dining hall, eating a piece of pie and sweet talking one of the maids cleaning up.

“Effie,” He said when Graydon sat next to him. “This is my friend. The pouty one that I left to check up on, causing me to nearly miss your fantastic eckleberry pie. Obviously shouldn’t have done that.”

originally this was blackberry pie because I love blackberries and didn't want Boorman to be drinking. Sometimes around when I was finishing I remembered Elora's task to grow an Eckleberry bush and thought that would be a fun call back. Also a bit of a callback to sad-angry-frown-prince

Effie smiled at Graydon, glanced at Boorman, and shook her head fondly.

I remember I agonized over Effie so hard. I was like 'what does she sound like? does she like boorman? is she bothered by him? what are they gonna talk about?' before I was like ok this is just an excuse to get them to fuck. she doesn't need to have extensive character motivations, she can just walk away 😆

Graydon cleared his throat as she retreated. “So. Thank you, first of all, for checking on me. That was nice of you to think of me.”

“You’re welcome.” Boorman said with his mouth full. Boorman talked a lot with his mouth full. Graydon was pretty used to it by now.

Sometimes when I'm trying to keep my mindset in canon, I will just reference things in canon to remind me I'm okay? This is me being like 'yeah you're writing boorman right. remember when he talked while eating the probably-not-men-who-were-turned-into-pigs at nockmaar? you're doing great' lol

“I admit I was a little harsh before. I was upset and kind of mad at myself and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I hope I didn’t offend you or make you feel like you weren’t wanted.”

Boorman straightened a little. “I wasn’t offended.”

Graydon slowly put a hand on Boorman’s arm. “Because you are wanted.”

a couple people in the comments have said this is surprisingly smooth for Graydon? I honestly was just trying to be like 'boorman is not a substitute for elora! graydon's not using him! i want to be clear here!' this is me waving my hands around

Boorman looked at him with surprise, and with berries in his beard. Graydon couldn’t believe he was going to have his first time with this huge goober. Then again, that huge goober was kind of his best friend.

Boorman is great but he is without a doubt the grossest of the group. He drank spoiled wine at nockmaar, ate the worms at the shattered sea fishery. I have no doubt that if he was in his feels about being rejected he would eat half a pie no problem. I don't know how much I was thinking about it as I was writing it, but in hindsight I think I wrote Boorman as having a crush on Graydon prior to the fic. Even if he didn't, I think he's a dramatic enough person to use any excuse to cry into dessert.

Boorman patted his face with a napkin in an attempt at nonchalance. “So what changed your mind?”

Remember when this said non nonchalance and we were both confused? lol

Graydon winced. “You know that consummating you mentioned? I kinda ran into it in the showers.”

Boorman gasped. “In public? Elora Danan’s not as vanilla as I thought.”

Graydon's mind briefly went to the marks he briefly saw beneath the robe.

I am just now noticing I put briefly twice in the same sentence. damn i was distracted thinking about elora in only a robe lol

He shook his head. “But also, you know, I’ve never done anything before. If you were interested, it would be nice to have someone-”

“So handsome and experienced in the art of love making?”

“I was gonna say, someone I really care about.” He smiled a little.

Graydon's just so sincere and sweet and truthful! and also can you tell I really REALLY wanted it to be clear he liked Boorman and this wasn't just a rebound?? That's literally all this scene was written for! if I didn't care about that, Boorman would've just been in the room when Graydon came back and they would've immediately started fucking. Which now that I mention it is basically what happened in Lightning Strike 😂

Boorman brushed a lock of hair from his face. “Well I’ll have to think about it while I finish my pie.”

“Of course.”

Boorman picked up the plate and poured the rest of the pie into his mouth.

“Alright, let’s go.” Boorman grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the hall as Graydon shrieked with laughter.

This is the funniest image to me! It feels so right for Boorman to be like 'well i'll save face' and then immediately not. I don't know if "shrieked" is the right word for how the actor would actually laugh in response to this but it is how *I* laughed so it went in! 😂

Thanks for asking! 😘