#honestly i had a pretty rough last couple of months and i'm still not feeling 100%

[opheliasprings]

hello friends! i'm back by unpopular demand hehe i bet you thought you'd seen the last of me huh

[bueckers-babygirl]

I Need You (Paige Bueckers x black!fem!reader)

Summary: You and Paige go through a rough patch, you only see one solution

Warnings: Just a lot of cursing

word count: 1346

I was tired. I was tired of the constant arguing, silent treatments, and petty comments. The most tiring thing of them all was trying to keep up the picture of a happy couple when I knew we were the complete opposite at the moment. 

I woke up around eight in the morning, feeling around the bed for Paige’s warmth. When I was met with a cold part of the bed, the memories from the night before came rushing back. The screaming, the insults, and the words that could never be taken back. Which then led to Paige sleeping on the couch. We have had some pretty bad arguments, but this one definitely takes the cake. I rubbed my burning eyes, which were dry from the tears, and made my way out of our room to the kitchen. As soon as I opened the door, I was met with Paige, making coffee in the kitchen. Our eyes met, but we didn't say a word to each other. I hesitantly made my way to the kitchen island and took the coffee that she slid in front of me. We sat in an uncomfortable silence, which was considered normal at this point, waiting for the other to say something. Anything.

 As we sat there I wondered to myself. I wondered how everything went to shit after a beautiful three-year relationship. I wondered how such a loving apartment that felt like home soon turned into a place you dreaded waking up in. I wondered if I had the opportunity to go back in time, what I would have to do to prevent all of this from happening. 

With a deep breath, the first word in five minutes is spoken. “Paige…we need to talk” I say with a shaky breath. Paige’s head shoots up, her eyes filled with concern. “All we’ve been doing for the last month is arguing. It’s literally draining the life out of me” I say as I move my coffee away to make sure I am more focused on the conversation. “I know. I'm sorry but I've just been stressed, babe. You can’t get mad at me for being stressed” Paige scoffs and turns away. “Did I fucking say I was mad at you for being stressed, Paige? No, I didn't! So don’t put-” I take a deep breath, not wanting to start another draining argument between us. Paige noticed that I was more frustrated than usual. “Look, I'm sorry. Can we just lie down and watch a movie? I just wanna forget last night happened” Paige suggests as she takes my hand in her’s. This is the bullshit that makes me so mad. I don’t want to ignore the issue. That's all she ever wants to do.

“No, Paige. We have to talk. We can’t keep ignoring this. If we ignore it all the time it just gets worse and worse” I stand up and walk around the small space of our apartment. “I don’t feel like talking about it. I just wanna sleep and lay with you. The couch wasn’t the most comfortable” Paige laughs, trying to soften the mood. “I understand Paige. However, what happened last night was just…it was a lot” I sigh, rubbing my hand through my tight coils. “ Oh my god. Are you seriously still upset about that? I told you about eighteen times you have nothing to be jealous of” Paige's voice gets louder, as she remembers how ridiculous she felt the conversation was. “You constantly telling me ‘Don’t worry about it’ and ‘You're overreacting’ doesn’t ease my fucking nerves, babe. It makes me feel like I'm delusional and I know I'm not” I say, becoming more and more frustrated with every word that leaves my mouth.  “I never said the you were delusional, babe! I’m telling you that you have nothing to worry about. If you don’t believe me I don’t know what to tell you. What do you want me to do” Paige rubs her hands over her face as she makes her way over to the couch. 

“I don’t know Paige! I honestly don’t know but you don’t understand. The way you say these things makes me feel…like I'm this weird insecure girlfriend who needs you to coddle her all the time” I say walking over to stand in front of her. She slightly, but noticeably rolls her eyes. I scoff and walk into the bedroom, just needing to get away from her. To my misfortune, she follows me. “Baby! I am trying my best to figure out what you want. You're acting fucking weird and I don’t know what you want” Paige exclaims. I stood and looked at her for a while….what did I want? 

Why were we always having these useless arguments that felt like they were going nowhere? Was I trying to prove something? Were we trying to keep something alive that just wasn’t there anymore? What the fuck was going on.

“Hello? Seriously what is going on with you” Paige asks as she annoyingly waves a hand in front of your face. “Paige” I pause, not exactly sure what to say. “I think we need to take a break” Tears finally fall from my eyes. Paige’s entire demeanor changes, shock filling her body. “What the fuck are you talking about” Paige asks with a shaky voice. “I just feel like we should take a break…this relationship needs a break” I walk over to the closet, packing a bag full of enough clothes until I can get the rest of mine. “Why would we need to take a break Y/n? Because we had a few arguments? That makes no sense” She exclaims, following me into the closet. “Paige! We have been constantly fighting for a fucking month now! Im fucking tired” I yell while clapping my hands, hoping to get my point across. Paige’s eyes fill with tears, both of us motionless. It felt like someone had just stabbed me in the heart.

 I would never in a million years have guessed that I would be packing my clothes to take a break from the love of my life. Paige all of a sudden takes my hand in hers, staring into what felt like my soul. “Y/n…please. Don’t leave. I'm sorry” Tears fall down the blonde's face as I drop my duffle bag to the floor for a split second. Every bone in my body was telling you to stay, to forget everything that had happened. They were telling me to just sit on the couch like I usually would and brace for the next argument that would ring throughout the apartment. However, my heart was telling me that you needed time apart so that we could get better. 

I take the girl's face in my hands, looking into her beautiful blue eyes. “It’s not forever Paige. I promise,” I say, trying to keep a strong face on. “But we need some time apart so that we can get better…I need you to understand” I whisper. Paige is hesitant but nods her head. I finally let out a shaky breath as she sniffles and leaves the room. As she closes the door I let out another shaky breath that turns into a sob. 

As I calm myself down I finish packing my bag with enough clothes to keep me through the “break”. Once I finished, I walked out into the living room to see Paige curled up on the couch, eyes red from her tears. With a shaky breath, I walk over to her, giving her a passionate kiss before making my way to the door. With my hand on the handle, I hesitate, turning to Paige to look at her for the last time in a while. “I love you, P,” I say, with a smile and salty tears falling down my face. “I love you too, Beautiful” Paige sniffles and laughs. With those last words being said, I close the door to our apartment, ready to see what life has in store for me until I see her next. 

This was my first REALLY long fic! I hope yall enjoyed and I MIGHT make a part two cuz I hate when some angst don't have a happy ending <3

[luveline]

hiiii jade! i absolutely adore your writing, and when i saw you might be taking blurb requests i had to jump on it lol

can i request maybe a little blurb where reader goes to pick up her bf remus at the airport after a long time apart/being long distance for several months?

i hope thats not too specific, and please feel free to ignore it if it doesn't inspire you!

thanks gorgeous!

You might have worried that a long separation would make things fall apart. Remus would want things you couldn't offer over the phone, or he'd find someone at his university that was more interesting, but one conversation kept you going, one confession. 

If you can't do it, I won't go, he'd said. 

You hadn't known what he meant at first, still mulling over the idea of his being away for so long. What?

It wasn't fathomable. It was everything he'd ever worked toward, the peak of his career, the culmination of all his successes. You honestly thought before he said it that you wouldn't have a choice. Either you had to make it work for you or he'd leave you to live his life. 

But no. If it means we won't last, I won't go, he'd clarified, looking you in the eye, his lips hooked into one of his fond smiles. You're more to me than any of it. If we can't stretch the distance, I'll stay home. I'm happy to stay home. 

Obviously, he had to go. But it's a lot to know you're loved like that, so deeply he'd give up everything he worked for just to keep you. You'd never make him choose, and hence began the longest, most heart-breaking five months of your life. Every time you were supposed to visit him plans fell through. Each time he tried to come back there were things to do. But you know he got on his plane home, and you're pretty sure you know which escalator he's going to come down. You wait at the bottom of it, waiting, waiting. You start to worry he's somewhere else. 

"You come here often?" a warm voice asks from beside you. 

You flinch. "That's not funny!" you hiss, but then you get a good look at him and have to fight to stave off tears. Remus stands next to you, suitcase to his left, backpack weighing down his shoulders. He looks tired, but excitement lightens his eyes. 

Five months you will never, ever get back, and Remus is still so handsome. 

"Dove," he says. You almost forgot how he says it, like it's yours alone to be called. "Lovely, come here." 

You step into his arms: too much, too rough, almost chinning him as he grabs you. "Remus," you say in a gasp, startled as he bends back under your weight and your heels rise off of the floor. "Don't! Don't do that, I'm gonna crush you." 

He sets you back down carefully, but he doesn't say much, and he certainly doesn't let you go. You don't notice his quiet at first. You're too busy being selfish, soaking in the realness of his arms, the rigidity of his biceps and his forearms wrapped around you. 

"Was your flight okay?" you ask, tipping your head back. 

"It was fine." A silver shine of tears nestles between his soft lashes. "It felt long." 

"Don't cry," you say, again startled. "Remus, don't be upset. I'll start crying too and then we'll be that couple who cries on each other at the airport." 

He smiles and a tear rolls down his cheek. "I missed you. What was I thinking? What was I," —he scrubs at his eyes roughly— "thinking, I could be away from you that long?" 

You wipe his eyes much more gently. "I love you." 

"I love you too," he says, leaning down for a kiss. 

Your first kiss in five months has a lot to live upto. You'd been the one crying as you said goodbye at the airport, and Remus had left you with a kiss to remember, firm and sweet with his hands on either side of your face, as if to say, everything will be alright. 

You have to do the reassuring now. You weave your fingers into the soft mop of his sandy brown hair, his gentle curls, brushing them away from his cheek as you kiss him. It's definitely too open of a kiss for a public place and you're both prone to shyness, so after a few stolen seconds of heat you break the kiss to hide your face in his collar. 

"Please don't go away again." 

Remus laughs and sniffles. "No. I don't think I'd survive it." 

[pedroshotwifey]

Without Words

This can be seen as a stand-alone but I count it as a part to two this fic

Pairing: Joel Miller x fem!reader

Word count: 2.6k

Tags/Warnings: Oral (m), cock worship, piv sex, rough sex, choking, semi-public sex, sprinkles of feelings, age gap, face fucking, degrading names (affectionate), cum eating, stuff I'm forgetting

Summary: You want to show Joel how much he means to you...but maybe in a less classy way.

A/N: Hey, babes! I hope you enjoy this part! I know a lot of people wanted to see an update, so here we are <3

*****

It’s been another long ass day. You and Joel were able to pick up the same shift, but there was enough work for four people—which is not the norm for the job you’d picked today. It took you three hours too long, but you’d gotten it done. Now that you and Joel aren’t glaring daggers at each other anymore, you’re actually able to be productive. 

You walk hand-in-hand with him now toward your shared apartment. It’s been about a year since the two of you had caved into each other, and things honestly couldn’t be better. You’d had your fair share of fights—which is only to be expected with the attitude you both possess—but things have been good. 

You moved into his apartment a couple of months ago, since he kept having to sneak out of yours too close to curfew. He practically lived at your apartment, even though his was bigger, because he didn’t want to risk you walking home late at night. It was an effortless change for you. 

There was the issue at first about your age difference, and about how people might react when they realize what the two of you had become, but neither of you wanted to let that affect you. It’s the end of the fucking world, as Joel had put it, you both deserve to spend it with whoever you want. 

You look up at him, admiring the way he walks so confidently with you on his arm. Like it’s no big deal at all. It took a little while for people to stop giving the two of you strange looks, but even from the start, he had embraced your relationship with no shame. 

You haven’t even told him you love him yet. 

It’s more of an unspoken thing, you think. Something you show with gifts and actions and physical affection, because deep down, you’re both still broken people in the apocalypse, and you don’t want to admit that you have a weakness. That’s what love is, after all. Just another thing for you to lose. 

“Joel?” 

It’s only now that you finally lose your composure. All damn day, you’ve been distracted, and you can tell he knew that much, but maybe not exactly what the problem was. Maybe it’s that thought—that you haven’t told him how you feel. But you know that you won’t even now. So you’ve been caught up in other ways to show him, to tell him. 

You’ve been thinking about it all night. Ever since the two of you got home from your shift and he shucked his pants off to change. It’s not your fault, really. Not your fault the man has a massive fucking cock that makes a sizable, mouthwatering—and extremely daydream-able—bulge in his boxers. 

You’re not usually a weak woman, but. Shit. Nobody would be blaming you for what you’re about to do if they were in the position to do it. 

“Let me suck your dick,” you whisper up at him, watching his eyes go wide as he snaps his head left and right to make sure nobody heard that. 

The two of you had gone to the last dinner offered at the hall, so it’s pretty dark out, and it’s also been raining for the last hour or so. There are only a few people out other than you since it’s so close to curfew, but Joel’s face still goes a little red at your request. You can’t help but bite your lip to contain your smile. 

It really is funny how flustered he gets about you saying something like that when he’s the one who loves to talk about railing you in public. There’s not a single person under the canopy that you stopped under, but he still lowers his voice as he speaks. 

“Yes fuckin’ please,” he says through a scoff. “But you couldn’t wait to run that filthy little mouth until we got home?” 

You shake your head, smirking at him. You swear you can feel your heart beating against your ribs as you wait for him to understand your request. Your body is going hot from the pure want coursing through your veins. 

“I want it now,” you practically whine as you pull on his arm like a petulant child. His eyes go wide again.

“Now?” he asks, obviously a bit shocked at your sudden desperation. 

You nod at him, licking your lips. 

This time, you catch a small twitch from between his legs before you give him your best doe eyes. You glance at the dark, empty alley a few feet away from you, and his eyes harden. He glances around one more time, clutches your upper arm, and drags you into the concealed space. 

“Shit, baby, just be fuckin’ quick about it,” he mutters as he shoves you down to your knees. You smile devilishly up at him as your hands immediately fly to his zipper. 

You frantically pull them down, the zip getting stuck halfway due to the massive bulge pushing against the denim. Joel hisses and you whimper as you snag it down quickly, not caring if it breaks or not. 

The first time you saw him, you’d had a hard time admitting to yourself that it was the most gorgeous cock you’ve ever laid eyes on. It took a minute for you to understand that he wasn’t a threat, and only then did you allow yourself to appreciate the appendage to the degree that you do now. Since then, you’ve been sure to let Joel know just how much you love it. 

It makes your mouth water as you pull it out from his pants. Girthy and long enough to still almost scare you even at half-mast. You know how it fits inside you though, how good it makes you feel when he’s pummeling it into your sore, stretched cunt at full force. 

You want it to feel as good as you do, to feel the way your wet, hot mouth can wrap around it and slobber on it until Joel’s thick thighs are shaking with need to spill his seed down your welcoming throat. 

The feeling of one of Joel’s hands threading your hair between his fingers and pushing you toward his crotch pulls you out of your daze. 

“You gonna suck it or fuckin’ stare at it?” 

You shoot Joel an annoyed glance and squeeze him lightly in warning. You give in anyway, however. It really doesn’t take much. 

He makes a grunting sound as you take the fat tip of him between your lips, suckling the head and tonguing at his slit as your hand pumps the rest of him. You love the taste of his salty pre-cum on your tongue as you eagerly lap him, trying to get more. 

Joel pushes harder on the back of your head and bucks his hips forward—though you’re not sure if that part is voluntary. Your hand moves back to the root of him, holding tightly and pushing him so that he can’t shove himself into your mouth. 

You pop your mouth off of him, ignoring the string of spit that keeps you connected to his soaked tip. With heavy lids, you glance up at him to find that he’s staring back at you with a look in his eyes that can only be described as fiery. 

“Be patient, old man, I’m trying to enjoy myself.” 

Joel scowls at you. “The fuck you mean enjoy yourself? You’re suckin’ my cock,” he snaps.

“Okay, well I happen to really fucking like sucking your cock, Joel, so be. patient.” 

He rolls his eyes at you and leans his head back against the brick wall behind him. Satisfied that he’s stopped arguing, you go back to his dick, grabbing it so that the underside of it is facing you. 

You lean forward to lick up the entirety of it, coming down to suck and kiss at his balls every couple of strokes. Your head is going a bit fuzzy and your core is throbbing almost painfully with need. 

You can’t stop though, you love the feel of his silky skin on your tongue, the way it moves slightly with each pass of your mouth. You moan loudly against him, enough so that it reaches Joel’s ears through the sound of the heavy raindrops pelting the ground and buildings around you. 

He pulls sharply on your hair, but is unable to pull you away with how tightly you latch on to his thighs. You squeeze your eyes shut and just about double your efforts to ensure he won’t make you stop. 

“Gotta hush, baby. Sound like a fuckin’ whore, moanin’ on my cock like that,” Joel squeezes out at you through gritted teeth. 

“Yeah, but you love it,” you pull away just enough to retort.

“Damn fuckin’ right,” Joel smirks back at you as you get back to work. “Little s-slut just for me.”

When you lean forward this time, you take him fully between your lips, swallowing as much as you can to get him as deep as possible. You know you’re drooling, but you can’t find it in you to care, you’re far too drunk on his taste, his scent, the feel of his cock inside your greedy mouth. 

Joel groans as you suck harshly, resisting the urge to gag as you hold him in your hot mouth and fondle his balls. God, you can’t fucking get enough. You pull back again once you literally can’t breathe, but not before taking his balls into your mouth once a piece. 

“Fucking love your cock, Joel,” you tell him as you stroke him lazily. 

“I know you fuckin’ do, darlin’. Why don’t you show him how much? Make him feel good, hm?” 

You nod eagerly at him and put your mouth back on him, bobbing your head and using your hand to tightly pump what you’re not able to reach. Joel makes a choked sound and grips your hair so tight that tears spring to your eyes. 

The sounds reverberating through the alley are nasty, but it only turns you on more. Between Joel’s bitten-down moans and the sound coming from his dick being slammed down your throat, it’s a fucking symphony in your ears. 

“Shit,” Joel breathes from above you. “Want to be inside you, baby.” 

You shake your head as much as you’re able. You want his cum down your throat, that’s the whole point of this. Twin tears trail down your messed cheeks with the movement, but you keep going at a quick but steady pace. 

He grunts and pulls on you again, and this time, you’re forced to let go. 

“Joooel,” you whine, hands going out to grab at him, only for him to squeeze again and hold you firmly in place. 

“You fuckin’ quit that, now,” he commands, and you do. Albeit reluctantly and with a furious pout. His cock bobs tauntingly in front of you, throbbing and glistening with your saliva. 

“C’mon, princess. Up.” 

You continue pouting but do as he says, letting him haul you up so he can pull your pants and underwear down. You yelp, not expecting that part so quickly. The cool, moist air hits your heated core and you clench your thighs, making it more difficult for Joel to spin you around and shove you against the wall. 

He’s behind you again in a heartbeat, the tip of his cock breaching your tight hole as he presses his entire front to your back. You keen as he slides into you, the stretch making your toes curl in your boots. 

“See?” Joel mutters into your ear. “Shut you up quick, didn’t it?” 

You can only nod as he starts to move inside of you, your slick making it easy for him to build up a quick pace. Your fingers spread out on the brick wall as he grips your hips and thrusts harshly up into you, a sheen of sweat starting to cover your body at the force in which he’s using you with. 

He hits your g-spot each time, making you huff out weak little moans to mingle with his grunts. His heavy balls slap against you with each thrust, making a lewd sound against your soaked seam and sending shocks atop your swollen clit. 

You mewl as your orgasm starts to build, a warmth starting to spread throughout your entire body. And when Joel brings one hand to wrap around your throat, you just about lose it. He squeezes the sides, cutting off your airflow and making your head spin. 

You close your eyes and your senses hone in only on the feeling of his cock spearing into you, the way his grip is so hard on your hip that there are sure to be bruises in the morning. Your head rolls back onto his shoulder and he uses the opportunity to nuzzle your jaw. 

“So s-soft ‘n’ wet for me, ain't ya? Like soaked fuckin’ silk.” 

You whimper as much as you’re able, your body starting to shake as you get closer to the edge. Joel lets his fingers ease up from the grip he has on your throat, allowing air to sweep back into your lungs, and you explode. 

You moan obscenely as you cream on his cock, his hand moving to your clit to thumb tight circles and prolong your pleasure. Your hands move from the wall to grip hard onto his forearms. 

“That’s a good girl,” he growls into your ear. 

“M–Please, Joel,” you whine. “Let me swallow–I–” 

Joel’s dark laugh startles you, but he moves to give you what you want. He pulls his cock out of you, and you suddenly feel empty. You whine despite yourself, but are quickly distracted again by the way he spins you around and shoves you back to your knees, your pants still pulled down around your ankles. 

You watch him dazedly as he fists his drenched cock and then guides it back to your swollen lips. You taste yourself on him as he pumps his hips and glides onto your tongue. He places a hand on the back of your head again, helping you take him. 

“There you go, you fuckin’ cum-hungry little slut.” 

You moan, and you can tell that’s his undoing as the vibrations travel through his length. He shudders and groans into the empty alley as his balls tug up and he spills into your mouth. You greedily drink him down, gripping his thighs and closing your eyes as you focus on not spilling a single drop. 

He pushes your head down until he hits the back of your throat, waiting for you to gag before he slowly pulls all the way back out. You’re both sweaty and panting but you still open your mouth and tilt your head up for approval that you swallowed every bit of his cum. Joel watches you with parted lips and nods. 

“Good job, princess,” he tells you, and you smile. 

“Alright, baby, I gotta get you home before curfew,” he says after a moment. “Let’s get you cleaned up so it doesn’t look like we just fucked in a damn alley.” 

You grin at him and lift your arms for him to help you up again. You don’t tell him that it’s pointless to clean you up since you’ll just end up in the same state once you get home. If there’s one thing that will never dwindle in your relationship, it’s the insatiable hunger that the two of you harbor for one another—and all the messes and mischief that comes with it.

[softspace-fics]

Lost

⚠️ THIS IS NOT A AGE-RE POST. THIS IS A DARK POST. PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION, DONT READ IF WARNINGS TRIGGER YOU⚠️

A/N - I had a honestly really bad mental day at school and I'm already super exhausted. I ended up involuntarily regressing in my math class and I sit in the front of the class. My old CG doesn't talk to me much anymore so I don't have anyone to reach out to when involuntary happens so I wrote Stucky x male!reader. This one's kinda darker due to my mental space but I'm hoping to make a new agere one here soon!

Masterlist - All my work!

Please let me know if you guys would be interested in a part two?

⚠️ WARNINGS ⚠️: Mentions of violence blood, sewing skin, passing out, being lost with no contact, mature language (cussing), Steve and bucky being worried over reader, reader is mentioned to be a victim of hydra, please let me know if I missed any!!

__________

It was known that you, Bucky, and Steve had started dating about a year ago. They had asked you to join their couple after you had been living in the tower for a while. You happily said yes, and from then on it was pretty easy.

It wasn’t common that you would be sent on the same missions as the other two due to different skill sets, but you were happy when you did. When you couldn’t go with them, you were happy when they came home.

You eventually got sent on a solo mission that was only supposed to last 3 months. You lost contact with anyone on your home side about halfway through causing it to extend to about 5 months. You only survived based on pure instinct and eventually finding a place to hijack and call for help.

Once returning from the extremely rough mission, where your battle and affairs were way harder and longer than you thought, you headed to your room. You still had your own just by design, to make sure you had a place if needed. This is where you mainly stayed. You sometimes crashed with Bucky or Steve, but not being in your own room and space sometimes made it hard to sleep. The days you had come home from a mission or from a quest and you hid in your room until hours or even days later, Bucky and Steve worried.

They weren't sure if it was something you preferred for after missions, or if you didn’t feel safe with them. Even in the rarity that it happened, it sent aches to their hearts. You were a part of them, this meant that those times after missions where everything is too much, they were supposed to be there with you, and they couldn't be.

The day you finally came home from the solo mission and found them on the couch cuddled up absolutely sound asleep, you smiled, glad to see them getting their well-deserved rest. After staring at them for maybe a second too long, you eventually sluggishly drag yourself to your room, throwing your items on your bed and heading to your bathroom to attend to your wounds.

It wasn’t anything horrible, a few cuts and gashes. Possible minor grazing by a bullet. Anything you got in the beginning of the mission had practically healed itself. What you had now wasn't anything you hadn’t fixed up before. You got into the shower, carefully washing off the blood, the dirt, and the disgusting grim. Your emotions begin to creep up, as the adrenaline rushes away, and the water takes you to a different place in your head.

You watch as the blood circles the drain. The aches of your joints and the stinging of water getting in your wounds, slowly pulling you back to reality. You climb out of the shower a little unsteadily and throw on some sweatpants. Staring at yourself in the mirror, you sigh before grabbing some gauze and skin sewing supplies, not excited for the pain you have to inflict on yourself.

Mid-second sewing patch, a knock on your bathroom door pulls you from the daze of pain you're in. You turn around and unlock the door before turning back to the mirror to watch as you continue to sew.

“Come in.” You say loud enough to make it through the solid wood door.

“No one told us you had been found, when did you get- Oh my god (Y/n)! What happened to you?” Steves worried tone booms through the bathroom.

You look up to meet his stunned gaze in the mirror, a look of almost confusion crossing your face in place of the dull one before. You didn’t normally let others in when you were cleaning your wounds, Steve being the first to see your process of sewing your own flesh together and putting gauze lazily around it.

“Huh? Oh just, ya know, battle?” You reply before attempting to finish off the wound you’d been working on when he walked in. You just wanted to go sleep. The minimal amounts of sleep you got due to needing to survive catching up to you.

“I heard you yell- holy shit? (Y/N) the fuck?” Bucky's voice suddenly came from behind. His voice grew with concern as he spoke.

“Your home? Why didn’t you get us? What the hell happened to you while you were lost? We thought you died!”

You finish off the wound before turning to your two boyfriends, bewilderment flowing through your veins. You just didn’t understand why they were so worried about your wounds or even just about you. They weren’t the worst you had gotten, by far. You could easily finish the last one or two and throw on some gauze and finally go sleep. You were too tired to understand why they were so concerned.

“Why are you looking at us like we’re speaking foreignly..? Your borderline shredded and there's...” Steve's voice trails off, the mention of your numerous other scars burning through your head.

“Is that why you're both looking at me like there’s something wrong with me? I know my scars aren’t pretty- Please go.” You look away from them, turning to grab your sewing needle again before a hand stops you, making you look back at them.

“No, handsome. That's not why we're looking at you like anything. We’re concerned. We were asleep on the couch when you got home, and you didn’t wake us up even though you were lost for months. You're so wounded that it's hard to see anywhere that's not hurt. Some of the wounds on your back need sewn up too. When we woke up, Tony told us you had been home for 4 hours. You're standing in here like a zombie on a mission to barely patch yourself up.” Bucky gently takes the sewing kit from you before pulling you to sit on the lid of the toilet.

“It’s not that bad... I promise it's been worse before. You guys were asleep, I didn't want to bother you.” you mumble under your breath, you don’t even sound like you believe yourself.

Steve crouches in front of you, gently cupping your cheeks. Your eyes lazily focus on his, your body’s energy crashing fast.

“Baby let us help. You look like you could pass out any second. How long have you been actively bleeding?” Steve gently rubs his thumbs on your cheek, attempting to keep you awake.

“What day is it?” You joke quietly, smiling softly.

“I honestly don't know how long. I feel like I was only home for maybe an hour. I just want to get sewn up please. I just want to sleep; I haven’t slept in days.”

Bucky and Steve exchange extremely concerned looks. The hell was this mission that ended up with you getting lost and coming home looking like this. Why didn’t you wake them up? Why didn’t they even get a call from Fury about your arrival?

Bucky and Steve use teamwork to get you sewn up as much as possible before they help you climb into your bed. The moment you're in your bed it's almost as if a switch was flicked. You were completely asleep, the only reason they didn't think you were dead was your breathing.

“Steve... The hell did they do to him?” Bucky quietly mumbles, turning to the just as concerned soldier.

“I don’t know. I’m torn between staying here until they wake up or calling Fury to figure out what the hell, they did to him and how they hell they lost him...” Steve glances to bucky before his eyes settle back on you.

The next time you wake up, you groggily sit up. Pain courses through your entire body, but you shrug it off before you feel movement next to you and see Bucky shirtless, slowly waking up.

“(Y/N)?” Bucky turns to look at you, his eyes searching yours.

“How long have I been asleep Buck?” Was your first question.

“3 days. Banner came and gave you IV fluids to keep your vitals steady while you slept. The hell did they do to you baby?” Bucky sits up next to you before he softly cups your cheeks. He slowly scans all of your wounds, and then softly kisses your lips. When he pulls away, he softly sighs contently, hearing your voice helping settle the pure anxiety coursing through his veins mildly.

“Hey how is he- Oh my god you're finally awake.” Steve walks in, quickly crossing the room to your side.

“How do you feel? Are you doing okay?”

“I’m okay Steve, just confused. I'm just disoriented from sleeping for so long.” You smile at Steve before slowly laying your head on Bucky's shoulder.

Bucky carefully moves you to his lap, just like he did to Steve when they were kids, and he was sick or ended up in another alley fight.

“I bet its more than just the sleep, sweets.” Steve softly rubs the part of your arm that's not injured, keeping his eyes on you. His heart aches so much for you.

“Handsome, I really need you to tell us who and what did this to you? Why do you do your own medical procedures? What has happened to you that made you this way?” Bucky slowly asks again, kissing your forehead and caressing your cheek.

You look over at Steve who just slowly nods, giving you a sign that he wants to know too.

It's time to explain your time in hydra, and what this mission truly was.

~~

Part two

[asp1diske-art]

Your technical skill with lineart and shading is amazing in itself, but it's your ability to convey emotion and atmosphere in your work that is trademark to me :) its incredible how you can show through gesture and body language just what these masked, expressionless characters are feeling, and how the environment itself conveys that. Your lurien comics, especially the one that ends in something along the lines of "I return to the kingdom you abandoned" are I think the spark that made Lurien go from Some Guy to Deeply Interesting for me, and your use of color pop and shaky line contributed so much to the feeling in those comics. You are one of the artists whose skill at evoking emotions I aspire to <3

Oh wow, I've been reading and re-reading this for the last 20 minutes this is amazing.

So, emotions!

If there is one thing I'm proud to have accomplished during my time in Hollow Knight, it's the skill of expressing tone. Because here's the thing, facial expressions are just one of the many components of tone. (I even wrote about this in another ask some time ago.) Colors, gestures, camera angle, lighting, paneling, lines and narration - all of these come together to convey the mood of the scene.

Check out these wips from the Watcher and the Watched comic, for example.

You can see that color played a huge role in setting the atmosphere in the comic. It shows that this comic is taking place in the Watcher's Spire, but it also gives a dark, subdued feeling that wouldn't come from idk, a yellow background. The backlight emphasizes the ominous tone of the last page. As does Lurien's pose - coupled with the butler looking up and Lurien looking down, it makes it look like Lurien is looming over his butler (and the reader). All this builds up to deliver Lurien's lines with maximum impact.

So yeah, a lot goes into conveying tone in comics, and I'm very happy to hear that it was recieved well!!

The Lurien, Dreamer comic. It's almost 2 years old now but it's still one of the favorite comics I drew about him. Together with the City of Tears comic, it's the epitome of my interpretation of Lurien. My characterization of Lurien's relationship with the Pale King was quite different from the usual fanon at the time (I don't know how it is now, I haven't gone into the tags in years haha) and I wasn't really sure how people would take it. So I'm glad to hear that it got you interested in Lurien!

It's the one that took the longest too lol. Usually I draw comics in a single setting, but that one took 3 days. Besides Two Ghosts (which was an 18 chapter+@ comic that was over 50p and took about 2 months), no other comic has broken this record. I put in a lot of care into it, and it still holds a special place in my heart.

Honestly half the reason I use messy, sketchy lines is that I suck at drawing clean lines lmao. But I like to think that I've made the best of it and utilized it as an art style. In that comic especially, because the whole thing takes place in the dream realm and I wanted to give a rough, unreal feel to it.

I'd show breakdowns of this one too but the file is so big it keeps crashing lol. (Pro tip - draw your comic pages in separate files. Don't be like me and draw 300dpi 10p comics with 30 layers in each page in a single canvas. It will crash and you will be sad.) But drawing the White Palace was a interesting challenge because I usually draw in highly saturated colors whereas the Palace is, well, white. So I had to work out a way to color this without making everything looking grey, while also making it recognizable as the palace. iirc I used a lot of overlay & burn & dodge layers along with a few difference & subtract layers to give the white a slight yellow tint to stand out from the dark blue. (I'm pretty sure they're the culprits crashing the file.)

Sorry this got long, I really took this as an invitation to ramble about my art hkfsldjkflj

Thank you for all the compliments! It's an honor to hear that my art could be someone's aspiration, and I'm very happy that all my Lurien art got someone else into Lurien. I hope you have a nice day :D

[anthuan0]

Final Fantasy VI time!

I actually had a pretty rough relationship with this game. Even though I recognized WHY people would like it so much, it just personally never hit me. I stopped in the middle for about 6 months. But, after going to couples therapy (watching videos of people who loved the game) It ended up clicking, and I finished the game.

Gameplay

I wasn't really the craziest about the game play. I love the active time battle system, and I'm surprised more games don't use it. But it really only shined during boss fights, which it gave a sense of urgency to, but the moment to moment game play was a bit dull. I did, however, love each characters unique gimmick. Putting in fighting game inputs for Sabin, or just straight-up busting out the slot machine for Setzer was really fun even if, in the latter's case, it never did anything haha.

Also the encounter rate is the worst thing about the game oh my god.

Characters

I actually got really attached to the characters and I could ramble about the characters for like half an hour but I'll give my highlights.

I loved how Celes and Terra mirrored each other. I liked how Terra was someone who had no purpose to begin with due to being a slave her whole life and eventually discovering who she is while Celes thought she had a purpose, serving the empire, realizing she was wrong and now she has to figure what she really wants. I found it very compelling.

I loved the genuine bond between Sabin and Edgar. Edgar using a double-sided coin to trick Sabin into accepting his freedom was amazing. And I found Edgar genuinely funny (except for that one scene with Relm) And Sabin is such a bro I love it.

Cyan was my favorite character for a while. Going into his mind to fight his trauma was really cool. But that scene on the ghost train where he has to watch his family get away while his powerless to stop it. Chills.

Shadow, I don't even know what to say about Shadow. The way they did his story by slowly showing you the nightmares he has every time you use and inn was genuinely creative. And you can really tell he's wracked by grief and regret. And his ending on Kefkas tower. Woah

Mog

And those were some of my hilights for the character’s I have more to say. But I'll save that for later.

Story

The story was a lot more clever than I gave it credit for originally. I have to give it credit for how honestly well it handled its ensemble I'm retrospect. Yes some characters got lost in the sauce like Relm and Strago, but I still felt like I knew them fully by the end. Also it going from a linear "defeat the evil empire plot". To exploring the hopeless post apocalypse while slowly gathering up your power to defeat a sick, pathetic man turned God was so cool. And the world truly feels so hopeless. That scene with Celes on the little island where she has the last shred of hope she has left be torn away from her, was genuinely one of the most well-done tragic scenes I've seen in any RPG I've played.

Conclusion

I genuinely feel stupid for not initially getting this game. Finding it underwhelming. I realize now just how influential it was, and why it's so important to so many people.

[thegorysaint]

Long Time No See

Hello everyone! I'm finally at the tail end of the rough month I had (and years).

 I wanted to get back to streaming today but i think i will take a couple extra days and start on Tuesday. Now I will explain what happened, so if you are not interested in that you can skip the read no problem : )

Mid May I got a really bad case of gastritis that lasted for 3 to 4 days, meaning, I had really bad stomach ache, I honestly dont remember but i probably ate something too spicy. Then after that week on a Sunday at 2 am I got what i thought was an allergic reaction to some ham and salami. I went to the ER when I started feeling itchy all over and my face swollen.

I stood around the ER for about hour and a half and I was not getting treated, so i just decided to go at the drugstore for at least some allergic medicine, i was feeling better on the way home but as soon as i was pulling up I felt bad again, i was really tired, it was almost 6 am so i went to take a nap to rest and let the medicine work. I woke up an hour later with a rash all over my arms and itchy all over my neck and chest. I googled to see if there was a 24/7 doctor nearby and luckily there was one.

After explaining everything I got a shot for the allergic reaction and some pills to take the next 3 days. Omg, it was so bad, at that time i didnt know the shot should of taken care of the reaction, so i thought it was normal and was gonna go away with the pills. The rash was going away little by little the next couple of ways but still very itchy and visiting the bathroom too many times during the day (not the good kind of bathroom visits).

After going to the same clinic but different Doctor, i was diagnosed with Food Intoxication, not food poisoning or allergic reaction, I had a fever that i didnt notice. So they were gonna give me antibiotics pills but i asked to get the injections, because I know antibiotics are really bad for my gut and i was already at my limit with the bathroom visits. Luckily the Doctor said ok and i had to take only 3 injections, 1 each day, and some pills in case i felt more pain or fever. Literally 40 minutes after the first injection i felt great, no pain in my stomach or guts, it got so relaxed that i was able to burp and without feeling nauseous for the first time in a week.

I was finally so relaxed that i was able to sleep a full night. After the 3 days have passed i was feeling so good, better than what i've felt in the last couple of months. I was able to eat without wanting to puke it out as soon as it touched my mouth, and the bathroom only saw me once a day. Funny thing is, my brother came for a surprise visit so, while i was still recovering physically, he helped me to recover mentally, he stayed for a week and by the end of it i was feeling so good and full of energy (even tho I was under the sun sweating my butt off a couple of days).

He left before this past weekend so i've been just recharging my social battery. I was feeling so good i got into the pool a couple times to just relax, pretty much I had a vacation week because my bro was here (totally making me want to go to my hometown again but the heat is worse there for some reason).

So, for now I just need to get my energy back and not let the bad energies to return, I'm trying to focus this week on getting my sleeping schedule back to normal (something i fixed before i got sick), and trying to get in the rhythm of drawing again. I want to get some stuff before I go to visit my bro for a couple of months around mid August or September but I really need to sell some stuff I dont need. Also kinda making plans to move to Japan as soon as possible, the forecast for my country is not good with the election and if the new term people have it their way, Mexico is heading to a really bad place.

I wanted to visit USA before going to Japan to visit friends but obviously I havent been making enough money to save up, so unless i win the lottery that aint happening because my mom doesnt want to go to USA for whatever reason. That means I will start fully focusing on getting on track with projects so I can afford a living.

Sorry for the delay of all my stuff, last year was really bad mentally and physically for me, and sentimentally was devastated for the second year in a row, now I will try to focus on not getting attached to people for a while and just work work work (dont worry, that just means im not going to search for a romantic long term relationship, specially not long distance online)

So, I apologize for my lack of professionalism and I really appreciate your patience, it really means a lot.

https://www.patreon.com/posts/long-time-no-see-105561594

[utopianparadoxist]

I've recently discovered that you've returned in all your glory, and I'm super glad to see it! Really delights me seeing you on my dash <33

My partner, however, scrolled through your blog maybe two minutes reading all your tags and went "damn. OD came back Punished™️ huh."

tbh like? Sort of, yeah, oD as a "person" (he was never really that, he was always sort of a performance I put on for the brand) is straight up dead, I've ego deathed out of being able to be that guy. The name will stick around on the youtube channel, but even there i'm planning character rebrands because doing anything else feels wrong.

but it was real life trauma shit from my parents that pushed me to the brink, not really anything online. The homophobic harassment I got from them over the last month or so pushed me back into being suicidal and also they called the cops on me and got me involuntarily thrown into a hospital i almost got choked to death in! Its been a rough rough fucking couple months, and for all the drama i've relatively spawned, it barely had anything to do with Homestuck.

Losing a lot of my social circle IN homestuck due to my trauma responses didnt help that but whatever, i made new friends pretty quick and feel like letting go of any sense of responsibility to protecting the image of WP or the Epilogues has freed me substantially to just be a fan and hang out trying to make shit. If anything, I feel free!

Especially since it resulted in me FINALLY divorcing my brains stupid twitter addiction and i was immediately rewarded for it with a vibrant new dirkjake and general mlm shipping scene on Tumblr, which honestly, is all I've ever wanted or needed from Homestuck.

I'm still pretty punished and will be until the day I get everything I want from this comic (canon dirkjake soulmate marriage) but that day's coming faster and faster and in the meantime i'm having more fun in this fandom than I have in years.

still, can't w8it.

[bylightofdawn]

WIP Sunday

Going to post a snippet of the Reeve/Rufus fanfic I've been working on the past couple of days. It's coming along pretty quickly, which is an ongoing relief. For context, Reeve has come to Rufus and is trying to tender his resignation and Rufus being Rufus of course makes it into one ridiculous powerplay with a lot of manipulation.

Reeve is tired and over the bullshit. I feel like I'm writing a little...harsher than I've seen people write him in fanfic but I figure after everything that has happened and the fact Rufus is practically still in the enemy column in Reeve's books...well, lets say it's going to take a while to get to the lovers part of this enemies to lovers tropefest.

As always, this is super rough and not really edited, it is liable to change yadda yadda.

Whenever Rufus Shinra looked at his most harmless, that was when he was at his deadliest.

“You know, I could have you executed for the traitorous actions you took in aiding AVALANCE and undermining my authority.”

“You won’t do that.” The engineer stated, voice surprising even despite the way heart rabbited in his chest at a wild pace.

That earned him a raised brow and an ironic look from the blond. “I won’t, will I? Tell me, Tuesti, are you a betting man?”

“You won’t kill me because you still need me and my skills.” Reeve had learned to bluff with the best of them and he could only pray that Rufus didn’t scrutinize him too closely for fear he might see beneath the paper-thin veneer of his bluff and read just how privately terrified he was.

“It seems to me I could just refuse to let you leave and then you’ll have no choice but to provide those skills to me. I made no promises you'd be allowed to leave here.” Rufus countered lazily.

“You really want an architect with an axe to grind against you personally working on a building project for you? Isn’t having a building fall on your head once in a lifetime enough for you?” That was a spiteful, mean-spirited comment, and Reeve immediately felt guilty for uttering it, but Rufus’s attitude was getting under his skin.

Rufus flinched in a subtle, almost imperceptible manner, making the guilt even worse. He hated that the blond brat had managed to drag him down to his level of trading barbed comments.

“My apologies, that was uncalled for.”

“I’m not sure I like your new claws, Tuesti. But I’m willing to entertain this ridiculous idea of yours. What exactly do you think you can do with the support of Shinra at your back? You do realize you need money to fund your high-minded projects.”

“I’m aware,” Reeve said tightly but found himself hesitant to mention the donors and money-raising efforts they’d already gotten in order to help make Edge a little more livable.

“Fine, keep your secrets. You never answered me before. Are you a betting man, Reeve?”

He found himself gaping at the other man because honestly, had he never met Cait Sith? Dancing on the razor-edged blade of chance was half of Cait’s battle style. And where had the animatronic cat gotten that penchant for fortune telling and rolls of the dice but from his creator himself?

Reeve had projected a lot of his innermost self into the creation of Cait Sith. In many ways, the animatronic cat was the best parts of Reeve Tuesti. Or at least, the parts of himself he wished he could openly express and reveal to the world.

“Depends on the bet.” The older man finally stated cautiously.

A thin smile broke out on that flawless face as Rufus leaned forward ever so slightly.

“If you can last six months under your own power and prove you can pull these lofty plans off alone, I will fund your organization for an entire year. If you fail, you return to me and put this nonsense about leaving to bed once and for all.”

Reeve recognized the collar that was being offered plainly for what it was.

Anxiety curdled in his stomach at the thought of shackling himself to Shinra potentially for life.

But the chance….

The slim hope he might actually be able to do some good and hopefully wash some of the blood on his hands away. Even a lifetime of servitude to the likes of Rufus Shinra seemed like a worthy trade-off if he could actually bring some good into the world.

And the more pragmatic part of his mind pointed out what his alternative was. He could refuse, and then what? Have Rufus Shinra as an enemy? He joked about imprisoning him, but that was just the sort of page out of his father’s playbook that he might use.

Either that, or he might wind up dead, disappeared somewhere where his body would never be found.

Just another object lesson of what happened to those who thought to cross the SEPC.

“Fine, you have yourself a bet.” Reeve finally conceded and the brief flash of triumph that flickered across Rufus’s face was genuinely worrisome.

[lonelostwriter]

Took My Wallet (A Stobotnik Fic Pt1)

I wrote a series of Stobotnik One shots that at this point flow into a story so uh here you go.

For basic context this is an AU where Stone and Eggman are childhood friends!

Stone talks in Blue

Eggman in Red

♡ "What's the softest way to say,

That you took away my friend, 

My buddy?"♡

After graduation Stone had said something the Ivo honestly should have expected. And yet it still caused the now no longer high school student to process.

"Ivo. I'm a guy." 

No not that. That's not the right thing!!!! But it is funny. Not the point! Anyway. 

"Yeah. I've been thinking about going to college. And I got accepted! It's pretty far out though. Like 15 hours by car? But it's got a pretty great curriculum and has what I want to major in!" 

Baffled.  Ivo stands there for a moment. Others chatting loudly and their parents congratulating them, some just enjoying the other's presence. And some rough housing like normal. 15 hours. That meant that they-

I mean. He would live. Would just be really bumming to know he wouldn't be able to see the other often, if ever during the next couple years. 

"But hey. I promise to write to ya. Ok?" Ivo stops, before chuckling. 

"Alright. Good luck then, Stone."

"You too, Ivo. Now c'mon! The night isn't over yet. And I'm not gone for another week! So let's make the most of it." 

And that was true.  

Though the week went by faster than Ivo would ever like to admit. But. They promised each other to write.

Weekly.

Every week, same time, letters would be mailed. And if they missed a day that was made up by being sent later. 

A specific letter that always stuck out to the young Robotnik was this one in particular. At least certain lines.

'I miss talking to you in person.  Everyone else seems so much less intelligent without you around. It's kind of infuriating. '

Which was a fair assessment. No one could truly match his intelligence.  But the other one.

'Exams are coming up so I probably won't be able to write to you as often as I'd like. Sorry Doctor. I promise to make it up to you. I love you <3' 

Doctor. I love you. Odd choice words considering. The last one was certainly new within their messages. Ivo leans back into his chair, spinning around in it. 

What he wasn't expecting was for the letters to stop altogether. The first 3 weeks he brushed under the rug. By the time 4, 5, and 6 went by he found himself worried. Stone couldn't have forgotten,  right? Surely everything was… ok.

It wasn't like their Junior year. It wasn't. Stone was fine. Maybe the letters just got lost in the mail. Incompetence was common within mailing. 

Still. He couldn't help but feel uneasy.

Weeks turned into months. And before he realized it. 4 years had gone by. 4 years, 5 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, and 14 hours. 

Why had he still been counting, anyhow? What was the point? Stone hadn't sent him a trace to know if he was alive or not. So why keep counting? Every second that ticked by, every minute, hour, day, week- he was still waiting. This was silly. Even when he pondered his orb something would nag at him.

Why did Stone leave?

[whatimdoing-here]

weird personal update under cut, mostly for those who've been around awhile. i guess i can put an intro too.

honestly there are so many new followers here i'm assuming for gif reasons but... like.. sorry guys. it's a fairly rare thing. others do them better and quicker than me for the most part. my poor 7 year old laptop i make them on is a struggle. new person intro to me below, but first let me get to the part where i journal so it's off my chest.

i use tumblr as a journal of sorts. and honestly it's thanks to tumblr in general i started questioning my sexuality when i was in my mid 20s. living in a very white, conservative state - even if you live in a liberal family, that shit just gets ingrained. i was never homophobic or anything, just didn't consider anything other than straight an option. long story short, figured the bi was the best label for me at that time, definitely made me feel better, and more like myself. my partner (husband) was like yeah that's cool all good i support you let me know if you need anything from me and it's been great since.

another... long-ish story in a shorter form... i started struggling the last year or two with all of it again. just feelings and s.x feelings and whatever, a big reason of why i started therapy. basically come to the decision i land on the ace spectrum somewhere. i know much less about being asexual, and it definitely doesn't feel as "good" coming to this realization. i think i probably fall close to the demi- label. but labels and feelings are hard. and since 1) i'm pretty uneducated and 2) no one wants to hear about my sx life, i'm not going to go into things. i just wanted to throw out there that... i'm still figuring shit out. this convo with m was a lot harder, went a lot worse. then there was a better second convo. he's still supportive, it's just harder for reasons that are personal to him so i won't delve into. our relationship is okay, he doesn't want to open our marriage, and not much has changed honestly. i'm still trying to figure out my boundaries, and where my 'am i doing this because i want to or feel like i have to' lines are. it's... not fun. adding to that that if things ever came to the point where our marriage wouldn't work... that completely changes not only my life in a large way, but the kids, and m's. that is the fuckin scariest thing. sexuality discovery would be way less scary if i wasn't scared it will eventually negatively affect people in my life. i'm very much a "i will accept this thing that's not great for me and be quiet to keep the calm and happiness of those around me" in most cases. i don't like taking up space for myself. it's been a rough couple months.

anyway if i had to label i'd go with biromantic, asexual (with some ace labels i may or may not ever figure out)

getting older is a fuckin trip. you think you should know what you want and who you are but no one really knows. and life changes us and we discover more about who we are. for those newbies that are not even 20... your 20s and 30s are great. just... be prepared to shift and change and evolve and be okay with that.

anyway. new folks. i'm alex. i live in the middle of the us. i have two kids (boys, 8 and 5) that... i've been on tumblr longer than either of them have been alive. i work from home in (broadly) a data role within a corporation. i enjoy my work, its flexibility, and just data in general. give me numbers. i've been married for 14 years this june, and i'll be 34 in july.

i watch nwsl and uswnt for sports mostly. working on reading more novels again. obviously my tv obsessions are clear within minutes of looking at my blog. i talk parent stuff too sometimes, it's obviously a big part of who i am, but i'll leave their names and pics off the blog for their safety. i'll show my stupid face here though. sometimes i'll talk about seizures (i have them occasionally, unfortunately, and my brain isn't feeling great right now) and other medical stuff if it's bothering me because this place really is like a journal release for me. i hold some stuff back but yeah. i'll tag with 'personal nonsense' if you want to mute. sometimes i post and delete because i read it again later and decide no one needs to read that shit.

you're always welcome to say hi. i'm fairly harmless, but also keep walls up until i know you better.

uhhh i think that's it. mmmbye

[nukenai]

(eventually) pet death mention stuff.

It's been a rough couple days for Striker. Not particularly worse than any of his usual "bad days", but the "bad days" are more frequent. He really just never bounced entirely back from getting sick a little over a year ago. He still can get up fine on carpet and outside if he happens to tumblr, which is occasional, but... Things are hard for him. Getting outside on time is pretty much impossible for him now. He gets up a lot for no reason like he's restless. His heart murmur isn't affecting his respiratory rate or anything, but his paws are staying awfully cold. He's still eating, he loves treats especially, but he's been so weird about water (literally only drinks from the cat fountain he has to walk across the house to get to).

He just seems very tired and sort of done. My brain keeps trying to convince itself he can still hang in there, because he moves pretty quick and well outside when he goes out. But he never liked spending time outside, and especially with winter coming... I just don't love the idea of a frail dog with a weak hind end having to go out in the freezing cold for months on end. I hate the idea of losing ANOTHER pet this year, but I think it's what's right for him. I don't want to make him hold on until the new year because of arbitrary shit humans made up. And maybe it'll be nice to start a year "fresh" y'know. My sister even made the pretty blunt (but correct) point of "the last thing I want is for him to drop dead on Christmas or something". Which, GOD. Like I need that. We're not doing holiday stuff this year but still. Just... no thanks.

Striker has been an ordeal for 14 years, but 14 is a very good run for a border collie. It sucks, it sucks so much and it'll always suck, and I'm like "ugh the timing" but like. When will there be GOOD timing? Closer to Christmas I'll just say "omg it's close to Christmas". Then the new year and. Well, we're taking another trip at the end of February. And I don't think I want to have to put him through boarding again! It's just so stressful for the both of us.

And honestly, it makes me feel so terrible because I ALWAYS put my animals first, but I have to think of me. I have to think of what an extreme burden Striker's issues have been for 14 straight years. But I can give myself some credit, because I always DEALT with them and never gave up on him. A lot of people would have but I didn't, and I should be proud of that. I've taken care of Striker pretty much exclusively by myself since he was 2. No one COULD help me with him because of his issues.

I think the best time to try to do something like this is when I'm okay. And sorry this is corny but it's a post by me. But it's like-- I have the SMRPG remake right now. I have Sammie right now and all my other pets. I also have concerns about my cat Lucas, because he's SIXTEEN. And he's gotten skinny too, but he doesn't have any kind of daily issues I have to help him with at all. If I wait too long with Striker, god forbid something happen to Lucas soon after that, you know?

Again it fucking sucks. It's going to suck SO HARD no matter what and there's no "good" time to put down a dog you've had since you were in fucking high school. And there's that added baggage of like, "Striker and Lucas are the only pets I have now that I've had since before my mom died", but like. I can't put that burden on them. I honestly don't think about it a ton but it's for sure a thought.

I know I'm rambling but it's just helpful to get all the thoughts out and get my head in line. It's a weekend so it's hard to get ahold of anyone, but I emailed my vet to see if they do at-home euthanasia. I'm not sure if they do. If they don't, there is a mobile vet that does it that I've heard wonderful things about. So I definitely have options.

God if you read all this sorry for ruining your fucking day. sfjghsjkdfgh.

[100dayproductivity]

28/100.

Oh boy. Need to regroup. Need to get thoughts out of head.

Outline:

Procrastination

Bullet journaling (BuJo)

Tiredness

Urban homesteading

(I'm just starting out this post as a rough draft so I don't think about it too much. Sometimes thinking is an obstacle to doing!)

Procrastination

Main points:

Been procrastinating A LOT again lately.

Need to look into why.

Usually, for me, procrastination means I'm feeling overwhelmed. Why am I feeling overwhelmed? I'm not sure. Will circle back to this. Let's keep going.

Another reason I procrastinate is because I'm avoiding an unpleasant task. What is the unpleasant task I'm avoiding? Honestly, all I can think of is the dishes. Well, not specifically the dishes, just chores in general. I'm so bored of it. Zero motivation to work towards making my home pleasant (which is basically my main goal currently).

But I was doing so well just a couple of weeks ago! I was on fire 🔥🔥🔥 What happened? Not sure. Let's come back to this.

Bullet Journaling (BuJo)

I started my first bullet journal last month. It was working out great! I felt so inspired! And I was getting so much done. And I felt so organized and efficient. I haven't touched it in weeks, though. What happened?

I think I know what happened. Eye surgery happened. (I had cataract surgery.) Leading up to the surgery, I was so nervous and had so many things to keep track of to get ready for it. The bullet journaling really helped me get all my ducks in a row and not forget anything important. It was such a useful tool! But post-surgery, my eyes needed time to adjust. The eye that had the surgery needed to rest and heal. The one that didn't have the surgery needed to learn how to work with the new eye. I still need to wear a contact lens in that eye, and can no longer wear glasses when I take the contact out. I can't really do any reading or writing once I take that contact lens out at night. And with the contact lens in, everything was really wonky at first. Walking outside and looking in the distance made me dizzy.

So because of all this wonky eyesight stuff, I didn't want to do any more reading or writing than necessary. So I put the bullet journal aside. I didn't have anything important coming up that I needed to keep track of, just my schedule, which is in my phone calendar.

Well, my eyesight is still a bit wonky, but definitely much better now. I pretty much read and write and use my phone as normal now. So there's no excuse to not use the bullet journal again.

But now that weeks have passed it's hard to get back into it. Why? Maybe because I feel like I've failed with it. But I really shouldn't feel that way! Just because I haven't used it in nearly a month doesn't mean I can't use it again now!

Maybe it's also hard to get back into because I'm dreading writing down all the stuff I should have been doing but haven't done. Where's the sense in that, though? Just because I don't write things down doesn't mean I don't have to do them! Also, I've been getting plenty of things done without the bullet journal!

So that begs the question: do I really need the journal? Do I feel like it's a waste of time to write things down if I manage to get them done anyway?

Well, the thing is, yes, I am managing to get things done without the bullet journal. But I've also forgotten things several times before I finally remembered to do them. It probably takes up mental energy to keep forgetting and remembering and forgetting and saying to myself, "Geez! I forgot about that again!" I also have a feeling there's things I've forgotten about that I haven't remembered. Like sending out my monthly invoices. I only realized I forgot because a client asked me, "Hey, just checking, did you send me an invoice?" What else have I not realized I'm forgetting about? There's low level anxiety associated with feeling like maybe you're forgetting something important. Again, an energy drain.

Furthermore, bullet journaling is not simply a to-do list. From what I understand, it's a practice that helps you organize your life. It's a record of past events and activities to look back on and a method of planning for the future. It's a practice that can help you get clarity and insight into your method to the madness, to see what areas of your life may need attention or tweaking. To see the bigger picture, not just your to-do list for today. To see the patterns you fall into, like going down a YouTube rabbit hole instead of doing the dishes, and then wondering why you just cannot seem to achieve a clean and tidy house. Just as an example. No reason. Completely hypothetical.

Truth be told, I have been feeling really discombobulated this past week. Really antsy, just itching to get something done, but physically tired at the same time, just wanting to sit and rest and scroll my phone. I want to go fast and slow at the same time. I think going back to using the bullet journal may help me get off my hamster wheel, and calm down and be efficiently productive again.

Tiredness

Which brings us to my next point: tiredness. I have just been feeling sooo low energy this past week or two. I especially feel it when I'm walking up the street, in the direction away from the lake. The ground elevation gradually increases going in that direction, but it's ever so gradual you normally wouldn't even notice it. I've never really noticed it before. But lately, on some days, especially if I'm carrying a backpack or groceries, I feel like I'm just barely trudging uphill. (It's worth noting that, although I am middle-aged, I am not overweight and relatively fit and healthy, so there is no good reason that I should be struggling with walking up a slight incline). Here are my thoughts on why I might be feeling such low energy:

Lack of sleep

Low vitamin D

Wonky eyesight

Poor nutrition

Lack of sleep

First and foremost, I have not been getting enough hours of sleep. No two ways about it. The main problem is I don't go to bed at a reasonable hour. This is an ongoing struggle for me. This is a huge habit I would like to change. But I keep falling back into the same patterns.

I was doing really well with going to bed at a reasonable time up until my eye surgery. That's because I shut off devices and read in bed. But now, because I can no longer wear glasses once I take the one contact lens out for the night, it's kind of difficult to read in bed. I need to figure something out. Because watching YouTube videos on my phone before bed is not working for me.

Low vitamin D

Where I live, it's recommended that people take Vitamin D supplements during the winter months. I generally do, BUT, I was told to stop taking all vitamins and supplements prior to my eye surgery. I just haven't got back into the habit of taking them. So this is an easy fix.

Wonky eyesight

I need to cut myself some slack. My brain has been working VERY HARD trying to adjust to one vision-corrected eye and one in a contact lens part of the time and just seeing everything fuzzy the other part. It is very tiring. I need to remember that this is exhausting my brain and my eyes, even if it doesn't seem like it should be a big deal. I actually have my one month follow up appointment tomorrow, and hopefully I'll get the green light to have surgery scheduled for my other eye soon thereafter. Once both my eyes are corrected, I should be feeling less tiredness from my brain and eyes working so hard. I just need to be patient.

Poor nutrition

Okay, that sounds a bit harsh. I actually eat a lot healthier than the average person, probably. But I consume a lot more sugar than I used to. Pretty sure I have a sugar addiction. The thing is, if I have food prepared and ready to eat, then I eat very healthy. The problem is when I drop the ball with food prep and find myself hungry with nothing ready to eat. Then I just stuff my face with whatever, which isn't always the best choice. Usually it involves sugary foods. Which gives me an energy spike, but then I crash. The sugar binges are not helping with the low energy.

The other thing is, I'm pretty sure I've hit perimenopause, which means changes to my body and metabolism. I can't eat crap like I used to and get away with it. Well actually, come to think of it, one of the symptoms of perimenopause is tiredness and low energy. So there you have it. Mystery solved. I feel tired because I'm perimenopausal. That was an easy revelation.

But back to the nutrition: if I'm organized, then I always have nutritious food ready to eat when I'm hungry. The bullet journaling really helped me keep on top of food prep. So if I bullet journal I'll be more organized about food, which will lead to better food choices, which will mitigate tiredness... See how it's all interconnected?

Urban Homesteading

This has nothing to do with anything, except that I'm interested in the urban homesteading trend right now, so it's on my ADHD mind a lot lately. ("Wooh, another shiny new thing to add to all my other shiny new things!")

I'm not sure how I came across it, but suddenly last week I was looking it up and downloading podcasts about "how to get started". And as I learned more about it, I realized I'm already doing it.

(If you don't know what homesteading is, it's a lifestyle where you have some land out in the country where you can grow most of the food you need to survive plus make a lot of your own household items and produce your own energy with things like solar panels--basically be über self-sufficient. So "urban homesteading" is a smaller scale version of that, where you endeavour to live as self-sufficiently as you can within the context of a city. So you're not going to have acres of crops and cows and chickens, but maybe you have enough space in your yard for a summer vegetable garden. That sort of thing.)

So anyway, there's lots of homestead-y things you can do as a city-dweller. And one of the main things everyone seems to have at the top of their lists is preparing most of your meals from scratch, whether or not you grow the ingredients yourself. So making meals from scratch is something I started to learn how to do decades ago and keep getting better at. The thing is, this is one of the things I often get sick of doing--the constant and never-ending meal prep cycle: shop for food, prepare food, eat food, clean up after food, repeat. I'm not one of those people that enjoys cooking; I just do it because I enjoy eating. But seeing that it's one of the main ways you can become an "urban homesteader" got me kind of motivated. It's almost a kind of gamification for me, seeing how I can spend the least amount of money and waste the least amount of food. I think I've been feeling burnt out with the kitchen chores lately. I need some inspo, and maybe "urban homesteading" is the inspo I need.

Insights

Right. So let's tie it all together.

I mentioned at the beginning of the post that maybe I'm procrastinating so much lately because I'm feeling overwhelmed, but I'm not sure by what. Well, obviously, by ALL THE THINGS. There's just always so many things. And I think the bullet journaling was helping me manage All The Things, so I need to start bullet journaling again.

I also mentioned that I've been avoiding the kitchen chores lately because it's just blah. No motivation. So bored of it. I need to get inspired. And maybe my newest hobby, urban homesteading, is that little spark I need.

Once I get motivated in the kitchen again, I will eat better, because I'll be better organized with meal prep. Not only that, but I find that, for me, getting organized in the kitchen leads to getting organized in the rest of my life. And the opposite is true too--when the kitchen is in chaos, I become discombobulated in general. And discombobulation leads to overwhelm. And overwhelm leads to procrastination. See how it's all interconnected?

So what's my plan of action?

Start bullet journaling again. Approach it like it's brand new to me again.

Start with the basic daily "kitchen spiral" again. (My kitchen routine that moves in a "spiral" starting with clearing off the drying rack, moving clean dishes from dishwasher to drying rack, moving dirty dishes from counter to dishwasher, then moving to the top shelf of the fridge to start food prep.) I will have better nutrition, which will help mitigate the tiredness.

Part of getting organized in the kitchen involves refilling my medication dispenser with Vitamin D. That will help with the tiredness.

Once I get back on track with the kitchen and nutrition, I will start to have more energy and more productive days. Then maybe my sleep will get back on track too.

But right now I'm sooo sleepy. Going to post this and have a little nap. 😴

[takoichigo]

Haven't written in a while. Honestly it's hard to string thoughts together now without getting distracted halfway through or rambling on forever.

I watched an entire season of RuPaul's Drag Race today. I'd never seen an episode but since watching Dungeons and Drag Queens I have had my curiosity piqued. I don't typically watch reality competition shows (unless they're on Food Network) but I really liked it a lot. It also made me have some thoughts about my wardrobe, and about making things, and generally I feel a little inspired. It's much more creative than I expected and I love that. Also, I love shiny things and colors and I'm trying to learn a bit more grace and femininity.

Pain has been pretty bad lately if I'm honest. The last week or so have been very rough. I turned down company yesterday because I had a fairly traumatic releasing of the contents of my colon in the morning, and it took me all day to not hurt anymore. Hurting constantly is one of the worst things about this. Like the pain when I go to the bathroom is worse, but it goes away. When it just aches all day and I don't get relief from it, it's hard to even just watch something. It's exhausting. I'm pretty sure yesterday I was nearly totally blocked up. It hurt in weird places and I felt really nauseous beforehand. Nothing has really made me nauseous up til this point. I was a little this morning too, but overall it's been a little better today. I think I need to be really careful about eating when I take my meds, and I definitely don't think jumping in the tub is an option in the morning anymore, the heat made everything way worse.

Home health is coming tomorrow afternoon to get me started on physical therapy, which I am looking forward to a little bit. Anything to get me feeling normal again, please. Everything is so empty right now and I feel lonelier than I think I ever have. The endless shaking my legs do is really getting bothersome. It's like they don't want to hold me up anymore. Even when I'm laying down they shake. And my left knee needs to stop locking up. I've had some really bad scares this week from it doing that. It's also really fucking painful.

I'm still always tired and I really can't do much of anything for myself. It's a challenge to even walk through my apartment to get from my bed to the bathroom. I don't regret moving my bed to my living room; the bedroom in my apartment is too small to fit a queen mattress with anything else, but the extra walking distance is not great when your body is screaming at you and you can't walk very well.

I think I want to take up crocheting again, I could probably do that while laying down. I kinda want a new laptop too, or a tablet so I can maybe draw while lying on my stomach or something. Something not messy that doesn't require too much effort to set up or set aside.

Things are going to get better. I have to believe that they will. It's hard when I'm all alone. And I do have good friends that have been helping as much as they can. But not the ones I expected. I'm pretty sad about that. Haven't seen either of the people who volunteered to be my medical POA in at least a month. Not in person anyway. And one of them maybe hates me now. And that's making me really upset. I can't think about it or I cry. It's easy to make me cry anyway (shit I did it like 5 times watching Drag Race and twice in the bathroom today at least just from feeling bad and being afraid) but I don't really want to cry. I don't want to have these stupid hot flashes either but that's what we get for cooking my ovaries with a big radioactive beam I guess.

I was tired a little while ago and I thought if I wrote out my thoughts it'd help me relax a bit more so I could sleep, but now I'm just overly warm and sad. And my neighbor across the hall is being really loud. And I didn't get any of the stuff done today that I wanted to get done, except for taking a shower. And then I had a hot flash anyway and was drenched in sweat again a couple hours later.

I hate this all so much. I just want to feel normal again. I want to drive and see my friends and go do things and enjoy my life. Because this isn't life. It's just waiting, either for good news or for death. And while I have a lot of patience with humans, I don't have the most for feeling bad and being alone all the time.

Anyway. I'm gonna mindlessly scroll for a bit now and hope something bores me enough that I get at least a couple hours of sleep.

[dearest-diary]

Wow... The last post was in the beginning of 2021... Now it's Oktober 2023. Honestly I don't even know where to begin writing about the last 2 years.

I was in a relationship from December 2019 until January 2023. We broke up. It was better that way, the last year of the relationship hasn't been going good at all. We both did seperate things, we didn't talk, didn't enjoy each other's company anymore.

Right after we broke up I met someone who I had like a friend's with benefits situation with, but that ended at the end of May. Since then nothing really happened.. at least physically with anyone.

I met this guy over a dating app... And omg.. I don't know what's happening with me or how to describe it 😅

Let's call him Dave. So we started writing in July, we videocalled and talked on the phone alot. Dave only lives a couple of minutes away. We've been seeing each other the last couple of months. But he had a super rough past... With ex girlfriends, family, health, finances etc. So he has big commitment and trust 'issues'. We hug a lot everytime we see each other.. but I just wish there will be more soon.. I just wish I could kiss him and hold is hand and stuff.. but he takes things super slowly and I respect that, but it's new for me and pretty unknown, that things take this long. I know he likes me and I've been clear about me liking him. I just really hope it doesn't take too long, because I really really like him..

Usually when I meet someone I always find something I don't like. That person could be taller, or that guy could have more beard, or this person could have this or that.. blablabla stupid things. But I can't find any flaw with Dave! Not one thing! He can talk my ear of for hours about world of warcraft and I don't understand half of it but that's okay, as long as I can spend time with him..

So I guess I just hope for the best and we'll see where this will be going..

I've been done with my Apprenticeship since August 2021. I've been working in a child day care for the last 2 years. The job has had is ups and downs but for now, it's the right thing for me.

Remember how I said that I'm bipolar before... We'll I don't think thats right anymore. I actually think I have ADHD, I've been gathering information about ADHD in women for a long time now and almost everything fits exactly! And women with ADHD often have a wrong diagnosis, like bipolar etc. Its actually helped me find different ways to deal with myself and learning about my self more.

I've been living alone in my Appartment for the last 3 months (my best friend lived with me for a while) and honestly I love it! There's still so much to do to make it feel like a really home, but it's slowly getting there.

Overall I can say I'm doing good. I do have some down days and sometimes a mental 'breakdown' but I make it work somehow. I wish things with Dave would be going the next steps but that's okay, I have time. I have my 2 best friends and a handful other friends. I learned that I don't need many friends, just true ones, I'm not 20 anymore 😂 the 30 is getting closer and closer. Aaaaaah.

Anyway, who know what'll happen until the next time I post haha

Byeeee 🤘🏻