#honestly didnt think id be posting again for a little while

[milothebeetle]

sudden interrogation! - Going from complete dark to sudden light must be spooky!

Comic made for @virune 's literal shadow au :)!

[tojisun]

oh wow.. i didnt expect 80+ interactions with my anon posts !!

thank you all for being so supportive, i love reading thru your comments n reblogs seeing how happy you guys are for me.. honestly ive been a follower for quite a bit and having this biker guy pop up in my life after the biker!simon series gained traction was such a coincidence 😭 !!

i love you all so so much 🫶🏻 i wish the best for you all

-- pink leather jacket anon 🩷

(p.s. little tidbit teehee you can decide whether or not this is biker!simon coded of him but.. while we were on that bike ride n he had his hand around my hands, at some point he wrapped it fully around my wrist, felt around it for a bit, then let go to hold the handle; after he left my work he texted me sometime later if i preferred gold or silver 🫣 i think he's cooking up smth rn...)

(..i really need to use this tiny font more often my updates are rlly long im sorry LOL)

NO BECAUSE WE ARE ALL SO SO HAPPY FOR YOU!! thank you so so much for sharing your story with us 🥹🫶🏼 im eternally rooting for your happiness petal!! sending you so much kisses teehee

YEA OMG ITS SUCH A CUTE AND FUN COINCIDENCE, IM ENAMOURED AND BLOWN AWAY BY IT <333

(n thank u sm for supporting my silly lil blog omg dhjejd mwah!)

WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH TOO AHHHH AND THANK YOU MWAH <333

OK WAIT YES I WILL BE BORROWING THAT IDEA FOR BIKER!SIMON BUT HOLY FUCK IM SCREAMING!!! NO YEA IM WISHING HOPING MANIFESTING FOR A JEWELLED (??) GIFT JAJDJEJD

wait which did u say? im such a silver girly but also gold is so pretty! also another token of his affections??? this man is truly an absolute unit, as u said!!

WAIT LEMME SCREAM AGAIN AHDHHERH HE DID THAT!! IM HICCUPPING IN GLEE RN

omg oki but we love love ur updates, no matter how long!! u can even send in a novella-long update, and id read and respond just as excitably. i love love interacting w u guys like this, especially bc i overshare on my end 😭

BUT HDJWJDJR YEA OMG IM SORRY IM JUST HOLLERING RN HHHHH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL UPDATE THIS IS!!!

thank u again petal for this and wishing you the best and happiest and kindest and loveliest <3333

[credulouscanidae]

not to sound like an influencer doing a sponsorship but man....hello/fresh has saved my life the last month

ive been giving it a go, and while the novelty has worn off a bit and im still battling some degree of executive dysfunction with cooking...i cannot even BEGIN to explain just how much it's helping me right now

i think the reason it works so well for me personally is that it eliminates every single hurdle i face when cooking. i get really overwhelmed at buying ingredients that may need to be used more than once (sauces, flavours etc) cuz i cant...plan out what meals i could use them for before they expire/perish.

also the idea of measuring things out, doing a lot of prep work and knowing exactly what to do adds to those little head blocks and it piles up to a feeling of impossibility etc.i waste so much money on perishables that expire and it's :/

so having pre-portioned ingredients, everything you have is what you need, has honestly given a spark back into cooking for me.

and i feel silly that i need this right now, cuz i should "just be able to cook" because i CAN cook. but the reality is that my depression and neurodivergence is quite uhhhhh life impacting at the moment. and ive gained so much weight, felt physically unhealthy/tired etc because i was at a stage where i could eat frozen pizzas and chips+pie or 2 min noodles every night. i started to crave fresh veggies and salads so badly, but i never bought them cuz they kept going off and theyre also very expensive ingredients for what they give me. same goes for flavours, where it can cost a lot for a bottle when you dont know if youre gonna finish it in time or like it etc, so you are less motivated to experiment with new flavours

this has been years and years of trying to eat better more consistently, and it seems that HF is finally something that is actually working for me.

a downside is that sometimes the cooking method is a bit inaccurate, but i also luckily have enough cooking skill to recognise and adapt it, so a lot of the cons to it hasnt been a dealbreaker for me yet.

again, ive probably just been riding some kinda high and man. i still feel extremely mentally ill lol, but i can feel the difference that a month of eating better has done for me. ive lost weight, have more energy, saved money (the meals are for 2 people so i get leftovers or 2 nights worth of food) and yeah....

i know this all sounds silly but even if it didnt save much money, i would pay that adhd tax because it's honestly changed my life for the better. not to mention ive also felt inspired to cook and i get to try new flavours which has also been cool! im not eating the same crap every night anymore.

just thought id...idk post some positivity for a change aaaaa

[rubberhoze]

ive had thoughts abt this for a while now and i guess im finally voicing this but

for so many years before i had so many concepts and ideas and aus for like toon content (yknow me yknow this blog) but what i did ever end up posting was a very very small fraction of the ideas i did have. like i was very inspired in that time and i was always thinking of like neat concepts and ideas but because i was so afraid of backlash or people thinking im weird or """cringe""" or taking toon content too seriously i never ended up posting those ideas (and the stuff i did post was once again a very small fraction of all of it) and they ended up forgotten in the many many folders i have on my computer.

once in a while ill go through and look at my old art that ive saved over the years and ill think like.. damn!! this rules!! why didnt i ever share this!! and i guess in theory i Can still share those but because of both memory issues and also loss of interest i wouldnt really be able to tell you about all the neat little concepts i had in my head in that time, not the way i could have back then. and its just a shame yknow?

i really wish that back then i had the confidence to really express myself and my ideas through my art (i did do that back then and i also do now but i know i also had So much more back then that i never showed) and on that note i really wish that during that time on the internet people hadnt gotten so hostile to like.. genuinity and all that you know? sincerity? i feel like its gotten a little bit better since then (or maybe i just curate my stuff better lol) i do see many artists express themselves they really want to which is honestly different to the things i saw back in the mid-late 2010's. everyone was so full of irony back then (and theres still a lot of irony-poisoned people to this day BUT I DIGRESS) and im just so tired of that

id rather be genuine and sincere even if it means that ill be like cringe or embarassing or whatever. who cares!! sure peggle make phone calls who gives a shit anymore!! im tired of being afraid of the reception i will get if i post the content that i really truly feel something towards, even if its something like a silly au or whatever, if it makes me happy i should be able to post it to my own damn blog without being afraid of what responses i will get

overall i really regret not posting things that even if they were silly they Did make me happy back then or brought me comfort or anything. maybe other artists feel different about this but i really wish i had posted more of just whatever i wanted!! maybe if i did i probably would have been a little embarassed but i feel i wouldve been happier still than not sharing anything at all

so if you see this post and maybe youre afraid of the same things i did back then, take this as a sign to let loose and do whatever the hell you want. as long as youre not harming anyone and you just want to have fun then you can use your blog however you like. and if anyone harasses you or bothers you or questions you about it ill bite their head off ok? im cheering you on forever 👍

[bunkernine]

hi pls ignore this if i have mistaken you for someone else and am making a fool out of myself but are you the person who wrote isosceles?? because that fic altered my brain on an abnormal and chemical level way back when and i just remembered it the other day and binged it all again and i feel like i remember there being a few other fics in that universe (one from travis’s pov iirc) and i wanted to know where they are. of course if you are not the person who wrote isosceles i am a fool and feel free to ignore this ❤️

I did, yeah.

I wrote it when i was 14 so at a certain point i didn't want to be associated with it because it didn't reflect me as much anymore. It was my big baby at the time!!! But i divorced from that a few years ago. As for the other universe fics, if i remember correctly: connor, drew, a vers where jason admits to liking him back (some point isos implied that jason DID like leo back but was too confused to do anything).... But i deleted those first because they just weren't as fun, and my own friend group was falling apart so it felt too close.

But yes, you have found me LOLOL. Isos is orphaned, but unfortunately the other fics are deleted fr. Sorry :( but thanks for enjoying it!!! 💖

(ramblings under the cut)

The reason why i didnt delete isos too was because so many people were saying what you are now. If i could, id rewrite it (both with style and plot differences) and do a whole new remastered version. Im not sure why i decided to write his senior year when i was a freshman/sophomore LOL so I always figured I would've came back to it when I was older.... Clearly I did not.

I WAS miserable in high school, at least socially. So Leo was a little TOO personal and it made me mad when i basically did what he did towards the end. I spent some time just doing some random apolleo fics. Capolleo series, so my name should've been capolleon by then? LOLOLOL i had been majorly influenced by some now-deleted fic which is why apollo is even there 💀 but now im apollos age in the fic and im like 'hmm. Yeah maybe not...'

Then there was a fic that was coming out towards the end of isos that i felt was copying me 😭😭😭 ← 14/15 yr old feelings. Who cares! But i would update and then they would update and i was so paranoid 😭😭😭 honestly, the vibe in general for valgrace in 2018 is much different than right now, and it was much more open and varied in topics. This is not to discredit the current valgrace leaders or whatever the fuck, but the vibe is just ... Pretty different.

But yeah. Im sort of using this ask as an excuse to talk about it, but isos was SO big and what i was known for within the small vg circle (outside of the text fic at the same time 💀) so i was constantly reminded of it. And dont get me wrong, i ADORED that fic when i was writing it. I was upset whenever my life was too messy for me to drop the chapter of the month. Double updates felt so ... Um. Mature and awesome, like i was a professional 💀 i wrote leo as bisexual but he had a pretty strong inclination to men because i was figuring I'm out that I wasn't bisexual but a lesbian, but I couldn't really articulate that, especially as I was dating a guy through that fic. That was some cute little endpoint i was gonna have but its reality frightened me so it was dropped... The complexities of piperleojason were insane to think about when i was like, crying at lunch in my bf's car 😭 When it was posting, i left some really crazy A/N's showing how volatile i was at the time, that i eventually deleted. But i was so proud of it and it was a comfort to write. I think the drafts were a lot more raw but people loved it anyway.

Anyway. It's been a while since I've been able to talk about this fic. People have left the most loving comments in the world and it connected with a lot of readers. Its also my only fic that had fanart and playlists and such made for it! I was so proud of that! I dont think people understand how incredible that is and it truly is the dream for fic writers!!! I have other fics that inspired ppl, but isos was the one ppl constantly flocked to or appreciated :)

I used to cry writing some parts of it and now it just feels like an old diary entry. I haven't read it in a while and thought about remaking it (probs... As college kids though) but haven't bothered. Technical-wise, theres so many things that are dropped or forgotten or are just clumsy but thats really just a maturity thing.

Anyway THANK YOU FOR ASKING!!!!!!!!! Ppl dont ask me about my fics like they used to which was the whole reason why i made this account :(((( among other things, lack of interactions in fandom have decreased so much :((((

Love love love uuuuuuuuu

[scourgefrontiers]

not rly a vent i just am wary about posting it Directly to the dash lol

i honestly wish i didnt feel so icky about engaging with danny phantom anymore.

it started when mild shit went down in a server i was in and i just have been stuck with this icky feeling about danny phantom stuff ever since :( it feels bad. if yall were around for long you would remember danny phantom was basically my ROOTS. it got me through high school in my most depressive years, and it brought me to my current chosen name as well as a huge source of fun and inspiration and joy for a long time. i kinda got back into it a while back before the server thing, and it makes me wish i hadnt made the server.

im like..rly sad about it. i feel Heavy whenever i think about engaging with dp anymore. and i dont want to !!! i miss dan and i miss everybody else i used to love. but it just feels bad now. my chest hurts about it

not saying id give up sonic for danny phantom if i got back into it, im way too fuckin deep in sonic shit to get out now lmfao. but like. man. i would like to add it to my interests again :( maybe doodle it a little.. idk

sad hours

[sehrgefaelltmir]

Hey any fic recs? I really like yours so I figured you'd have good recommendations. I'd read just about any ship

hi!!! aw thank you so much, that means a lot. i haven’t had a lot of time to read lately (also i have the attention span of a gnat lmao) so i’m just gonna list all the best fics that i can think of,,, theres no real theme theres no criteria lmao. i kinda just like stuff w good writing. all of these are amazingly written i wish i could write something half as good as these 😭😭

my favourite fics (off the top of my head) are:

UEFA High by maxevader / @liverpool-enjoyer (i feel like anyone who hasn’t read this is living under a rock sekskjdbd but i gotta mention it anyway cause i adore it) it’s a high school au, literally EVERYONE is in it. well not everyone but,,, a lot. theres a load of different ships (i came for müllendowski ofc but im kinda pulling for alisson/vvd rn they’re really cute i’m rooting for them) and some really sweet friendships too (thomas & manu, robbo & trent, gavi & pedri are my favourites) honestly i don’t wanna spoil it just go in blind if u haven’t read it already cause it’s so so worth it, it’s so funny and so sweet and also very relatable and ughhhhh man i could talk abt it forever

while we’re at it i want to be loved (not to be touched) (also by maxevader) is also really fucking good, it’s gavi-centric, very angsty, SO well-written, the stars aligned or some shit and i read it at exactly the right moment in my life and it made me cry a bit (a lot)

how long could we be a sad song? by moonwedes / @tchouameninga, it’s a suuuuper super angsty müllendowski fic about lewy’s decision to leave bayern and what led up to it. the writing is incredible n it made me so fucking sad. i cannot recommend this one enough it is SO good, just. man the characterisation and the little details and how inevitable and tragic it feels,,, ughhh it’s amazing

Another Plane of Shambles by fipsareyougay,,, again i kinda feel like anyone who likes my fics has probably read this already cause it’s like. THE bayern/german nt fic lmao sorry. but i gotta mention it anyway cause it’s one of my favourite fics ever. it’s like 600k words and kinda intimidating to get into cause theres like a million characters and ships and subplots but it is so. so fucking good. off the top of my head the main ships are neuller, mesut/sami, schweinski, götzeus, toni/jonas hector (random ahh ship but it works lmao), leno/ter stegen, but there’s like 183737 other ships too. it’s hilarious but also like,, really really sad. like EVERYONE is going through it, it gets quite dark sometimes. also it’s not finished lmao like i don’t think it’s been updated for like a year at this point, but.. i honestly don’t think it matters?? like it’s so fucking good as it is i fr don’t mind if its not updated, whats there is enough (for me at least). its SUCH an experience i love it so much and i will recommend it to literally everyone, whether ur a german nt fan or not

domestic pressures by fivesecrets is also really REALLY fuckin good. the main ship is lewy/b**teng, which… yeah it’s not a ship i like for… obvious reasons lol but this fic is so well-written that i just can’t not include it. id actually feel bad if i didnt include it cause the writing is so SO fucking good,, i don’t think i’ve read any of this author’s other fics now that i think of it, but i really should. i feel so inadequate every time i think about this fic cause the writing is just that good. like,, the prose. if i ever write something as beautifully as this its all over for u bitches. it also has bravertz as a background ship which i LOVE. (SIDE NOTE DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY MORE BRAVERTZ RECS PLS I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER 👉👈)

one of my all-time favourite fics is Lunar by Redbull_gave_me_wings. (this is the fic that made me finally decide to start properly writing n posting instead of just writing random paragraphs in my notes app. so i’ll love it forever for that reason alone) i don’t rlly know how to explain this one lmao it’s kinda complicated, it’s… basically a werewolf au?? which seems really random for a football fic lmao but it works. i adore this fic. just,, the characterisation and the world-building and the memories i have of reading it (spring 2022 when i was supposed to be studying for my leaving cert lmao) and the relationship between the 3 main characters (thomas, lewy and marco, müllendowski are an established relationship and theres also kinda hints of götzeus if you squint??) i just love the story, all the side characters, the world and the lore,,,, dldkdkdj i need to reread it omg

the next one is UNFINISHED 😭 but i want to include it just cause i love it so much: welcome to the underworld by bibliophile357. another one that i rlly don’t know how to explain lmao. it’s basically a greek mythology au w müllendowski as the main ship, lewy is hades and thomas is persephone. there’s also a few other ships, i think seriker is kinda the biggest secondary one tho?? (i might be wrong lmao i read it aaages ago. like before i even had an ao3 account i think 😭) the greatest (greek) tragedy of them all is that this fic was never finished. like i got to the last chapter and was genuinely heartbroken that there was no ending cause the writing and the development of the main ship was so beautiful. i don’t think it ever will be finished either bc it hasn’t been updated since 2017 lmao but still it’s one of my favourite fics

also there’s a few other oneshots that i rlly rlly love, all soooooo so well-written: (also all müllendowski now that i think abt it 😭😭 im too loyal to them sjdkskdjjd im a one-club player. thomas müller just like me fr)

at night i think about you by restless5oul

must mean it’s the low season by ssilverarrowss

History Has Its Eyes On You by thomasmxller

n the last ones i can think of are kinda just like. short lil meet-cute aus. yknow for someone who has never even considered writing an au there sure are a lot of aus on this list 😭😭 i just have thing for them ig

the first one is Kawiarnia by lesbleusthroughandthrough, it’s a coffee shop au, lewy/szczęsny, which,, i can’t see them as anything but friends when i write them but like,, in this au it just works (you gotta read that in a todd howard voice) i WISH there was more of this au cause it was so funny and so cute, i reread it sometimes when i need a laugh

and the second one is (darling so it goes) some things are just meant to be by bleedingdaylight. its,, idk, a not-footballers au?? idk what to call that 😭 it’s a rlly sweet götzeus fic abt mario having a lil crush on marco, v sweet v funny 10/10. i ADORE götzeus they’re so cute in this fic (also theres a dog. named borussia)

thats,,, a really random list lmao sorry 😭😭 it’s kinda just all my favourites. i fr need to get back into just reading fics, i kinda just write in my spare time i barely read anything anymore. also i probably missed some other really good fics so if anyone wants to add anything pls do!!!

[blkkizzat]

It’s like they knew I was complaining…

I GOT BLOCKED. AGAIN. 🤯

And this time it was from someone I was following for a while and I know this because 1. I didn’t follow anyone recently and 2. I only follow like 70 people so I’ll notice when someone blocked me.

I honestly have no idea what it is for. I really dont repost a lot and if I do it isn’t minor characters or age ups.

Maybe because I haven’t posted since like September?? When I did post last it didn’t really get a lot of attention so it was super demotivating posting again, I mean I have soooo much lil unfinished things in my draft but AUGHHHHHHHH I just wanna fall into the void and crawl up into a little ball sometimes 😭

Anyways sorry for ranting so much..oh and I want your opinion do you think I should write head-canons or a SMAU? I only did head-canons once and it was my biggest work (900-ish) but they take more work to do but if I do SMAUs they are quicker to make but I don’t really get a lot of attention on them. (btw if you don’t know what SMAU is it’s kinda like a made up text story replying to the character of your choice.)

-🪼

🪼nonny im sorry boo! who knows why? i know sometimes things can be by mistake so maybe if you have another account message them to find out why? ive seen some people say "if you think i blocked you on accident lmk", and they may or may not be receptive to it, but if you approach it as "im not trying to argue with you, only trying to find out if i am leaving a bad impression in someway as I have noticed a pattern of people blocking me lately." it's more likely they will be open to sharing with you why and even if its something you dont agree with don't get defensive about it as at the end of the day it was their choice. but thats only if you care enough to do so. ive never done so in this context, but ive done so irl with friends of friends who i thought didnt like me for whatever reason and regardless of what they said, its their choice. but do remember at the end of the day, other people opinion of you is not necessarily an accurate reflection so while it is good to evaluate if theres any room for improvement. dont let it drive you crazy/take it too much to heart. theres tons and tons of great writers out there to follow who wouldnt block you.

hey! id say do whatever you feel like doing tbh, notes be damned. i never consider notes when i write something. if i did then i would only write short 500-1k drabbles or multi-fic character drabbles as those seem to get the most attention. i dont have anything against them (i actually have a ton of funny concepts for them) its just very hard for me to write smut without some sort of build up to it. but that wont be true for everyone so write what you are inspired by and what makes you happy.

notes will come! but if you aren't feeling good about what you write it will definitely show. which is why i write so slow fkhdfkhjdf.

[clutchpowers]

Sooooo... i wanted to stick this little rambly thing at the bottom of the redraw but it would have made it look UGLY so im doing this separately... just wanna talk about the whole thing and What Not.

TLDR: its been a slash positive ride thats been worth it to try "something new" every year and my favorite piece out of all of them is the 9th. also for the curious heres the comparison of the 5th anni piece to the recent one (2018 -> 2023)

anyway. personal post time.

oh where to begin *rocks on my rocking chair* i guess it would be with the 5th anniversary piece...at the time it had been a long while since i did lineless art and i thought it would be cool to try it again for that one so i did by redrawing an old piece from 2014... that was the first "finished piece" i made of Them. i think i even made it into a wallpaper for myself lmao. anyway after i posted it i was like "aw man i should draw something every year until the 10th" but i thought yeah right. im going to forget next year like the idiot i am. but i Some How managed to do one every year... th worms got me... i honestly didnt think id make it all the way to the 10th but i did!! AND WITHOUT MISSING A DAY EXCEPT FOR THE 7TH WHERE I WAS A WEEK LATE???? UNREAL especially when fun fact! every year i had no idea what i wanted to do! all i knew for sure is that i wanted each piece to be out of my comfot zone to push me to do something a little different. unfortunately the subjects tm where always the same so it feels a little. samey. but these are my celebratory posts I GET TO ONLY POST ABOUT THE OTP SUPER BLORBOS OF ALL TIME

the 6th anniversary was a redraw of that one scene. you know the one. the helicopter one. fucking hate that scene btw it actually causes me psychic damage i cant watch with the audio or ill scream. but it is my favorite scene of mine despite all the horrors it causes <3 and i wanted to redraw it as if it was a cartoon... like i had taken screencaps from the lcu cartoon in my head. i still remember the backgrounds being such a pain in the ass. honestly id like to go back and redo this one one day too or do something similar to the concept because its a fun one that i always saw done growing up and i wanted to try it myself.

for the 7th anniversary you can see the turn.. no more humans... return to lego... i was getting a little more confident in drawing them in the lego form so i did another redraw this time with the ending!! honestly i still like this one and how it looks even with how late it was but i wanted to test my confidence and do a real True and Finished piece with COLORED LINES and EVERYTHING!!!!! im glad i ended up taking the turn because for the LONGEST TIME i wanted to try and draw them as lego so bad because all i did was draw them as humans and its funny because now its the exact opposite. glad this piece was kinda the solidification in my head that yeah okay im a bit better at drawing the stylized lego toy now i can keep drawing them like this without feeling like im going to want to delete this in 2 weeks.

the 8th anniversary one is so weird. somewhere toward the beginning of the year it got into my head that i wanted to do a comic of them but time/school would have gotten in the way so i ended up opting for a page. another redraw of the ending scene which honestly out of all of them this is my least favorite one and its solely because its all so off. i def could have formated it better so the background shot doesnt take up the entire fucking page but then again im not a comic guy and this was my first time so the layout was bound to look HORRID but this is something id like to come back to ive had the idea of making like a genuine short comic about them since FOREVER and now that im a bit more experienced (lying) i would like to make one day!!!! just gotta stop getting caught up in my scripts!! and going in circles!! Because im obviously not a writer and i keep getting first-hand embarrassment from these!! but ill get over it one day lol.

OH THE 9TH ANNIVERSARY PIECE MY BELOVED. ONE OF MY FAVORITE PIECES ACTUALLY i love this stupid thing so much you have no idea.i know its re-using lineless but i just loved the idea of what it would look like lineless AND IT CAME OUT SO PERFECT I LOVE IT SO MUCH obv it needs a few touch-ups so the main issues dont stand out to me but god. i love this piece so much. idk what came out of me to make this but its so good ill never get over it. and the little lego them as a cake topper ITS JUST SO CUTE I DONT HAVE MUCH TO SAY OTHER THAN I LOVE THIS SO MUCH SORRY

finally. the 10th anniversary piece. oh my god. okay. i need everyone to understand this. i had woken up with this fucking Unbearable pounding headache that was trying to kill me. my body the entire day wanted me to stop and lie down, but last night i was already done with a good chunk of it and all i had to do that day was finish some lines and the coloring?? i literally don't remember all i remember is my body actively trying to shut down and force me to stop and sleep which i took a nap? didnt help. so i said fuck it im finishing this. i was. an entire goddamn corpse arched over my laptop. i was so delirious the entire time its a fucking miracle it even came out as good as it did but honestly. i still hate how it fucking looks. like you can TELL when i gave up (the shading) and it sticks out like a sore fucking thumb to me and it pisses me off because i knew i could have done so much better if i wasnt being stricken down by gods hand and his every attempt to get me to rest. idk like im generally proud ot it, with this one i wanted to go out with a bang tm so i tried to draw every important and relevant character instead of ALL of them like I was originally planning LMAO but ah well. maybe one day when im faster at drawing. this one i defiantly wanna go back and touch up but i everytime i open the file i can see 40 more things wrong with it and it drives me nuts. so ill just have to wait for when im ready. i guess.

can i just say though. the improvement is crazy. it always catches me off guard because tbh i uh. dont like my own art. im getting better at not fucking hating it because i can pinpoint everything wrong with it but whenever i see the side by sides it always surprises me. i always dont think im improving but then i see it and its like wow i really am getting better! i still suck at 3000 things but im getting better! and its overall just a nice thing to see after having drawn them for as long as i have... the power of the worms is strong and has ruined my brain...... speaking of i know ive said a few times that i fucking hate certain pieces, not just LCU related ones but almost anything i post, but if you love them and are able to look at them with a twinkle in your eye then thank you. genuinely. i honestly love looking over the tags of people exploding and saying nice things. it warms my cold little heart and im glad there are people out there that genuinely love some of the things what i do! even if its just fanart and its just their blorbo. thank you for sticking around even tho all i do is draw my otp super blorbos :'^) this game means the world to me and im glad like more than 2 people wanna spread it around.

to wrap back around to the anniversary stuff and speaking of big love to the people out there THE FREAKING EPIC ZINE i was just a small thing but it came out amazing even for how small it was thank you to the contributors and thank you to everyone whos downloaded it!! its still getting the occasional and i love getting the notif in my email about it. i love that there are still people out there who wanna see it and all the hard work everyone put into it to celebrate the games 10th just thank you again i really does mean alot to me ALSO IF YOU HAVENT CHECKED IT OUT PLEASE DO IT IS 100% WORK YOUR TIME AND ITS DIGITAL WITH PRINT AT HOME STICKERS AND YOU CAN KEEP IT AND LOOK AT IT FOREVER

uh to end this off....would I like to do this again..... I mean I kinda am? by that i mean ill do the big numbers (15, 20, 25, 30, 40, etc) till the day i freaking die!!!! but yeah no countdown stuff ever again!!!!! sorry :^( it was super fun to do though!!!! and im glad i did it that piece is the conclusion to the whole thing but that doesnt mean ill stop drawing them. duh. theyre my characters now! but heres to many more anniversaries and to hopefully another game! or to just see them again in any other lego media! or even better... a mischaracterized cameo in ninjago!

[redroomrecord]

I hope this is not too inappropriate but, we came across your vent-posts while surfing completely unrelated tags (we were searching for transparent/png images for decorative purposes, to be exact), and we just wanted to share a few words of comfort.

Loneliness as a fictive is completely understandable; it is deeply overwhelming, and one feels like they are forcefully submerged into a void of isolation. You miss people; you miss your life, and to others they are just “characters” or pixels on screens but to you they are people; they are your life. They are all that you knew at some point, and it stings to be so far away. In such moments, please note that you are here. Please try to fully acknowledge and come to terms with your own existence and presence in this world, because if you are here, and you are real, then surely they are too. The friends you miss are here, the sun that shines on you shines on them just the same. It seems so far away, it seems impossible, really, but we assure you that you’ll be reunited. We assure you that the feelings of being unloved or unacknowledged are just as temporary as this loneliness as well. You’ll be fine. We know you will.

Please do not give up on your search; I’m sure if it can reach a random Rose (and Dirk) like us, in a moment in which we were not looking or expecting to come across something like this, it’ll reach the people who you’re looking for as well. Though we are likely not from the same canon, and you do not know us at all, please note that I am so, so very proud of you for putting so much effort into your every day and still being here, and so is our Dirk.

jesus thank you rose this means a lot to be honest i didnt really think anyone would see these haha its a little embarrassing but at the same time i was hoping someone would see me

also uh i honestly dont really mind who is from "my" canon or not i honestly just want to talk to my friends again and that could be any version of them im not really picky so if you wanted to maybe we could be dave and rose friends that would super cool honestly ive never talked to a rose before at least here i mean in this body

dirk too

i just miss you guys and i dont care about my canon or anything this place is honestly just kinda like the dream bubbles to me the friendship goes beyond timelines if i was friends with my rose i would be friends with any rose you included

i hope you see this so maybe we can be friends i really dont mind if youre "random" youre still rose and hes still dirk

id be happy with that even if were all mismatched

my dms are open if youre interested and if you ever see this im not sure if youre gonna come back to see my response to your ask but i hope you do being a seer and all i think you will i hope you will at least

[tezzbot]

now I'm curious, what other opinions abt the dub do you have 👀👀👀 me and my friends think karamatsu sounds like markiplier

RAY CHASE BESTIE I AM SO SORRY but no youre rightJKGHFJGH

THIS GOT LONG IM PUTTING A READMORE

i do actually really really like Ray Chase as kara but the way that Nakamura pitches his voice down for him and then when something karamatsu isnt like. prepared for or whatever happens he goes back up into his regular vocal range or sometimes a bit higher really adds to karamatsu's whole. everything HJGKHFJGH LIKE his whole identity pretty much IS performance so even his voice being part of his front is so fun to me, Ray Chase's voice feels so naturally deep and smooth that its like. his voice is Too Cool for kara yknow like his voice being Actually cool? karamatsu fucking wishes JHKGJFGHD BUT i do think he is one of the better choices that the casting directors made compared to the rest of the brothers

(AGAIN NOT SHITTING ON THESE EXTREMELY PROLIFIC AND TALENTED VA'S this is just my opinion of them as the ososan characters)

like i said before i have Absolutely zero qualms with Max Mittelman as Totty literally thats a match made in heaven I think he was perfect for the role n absolutely killed it hes so funny and from what ive seen the writers actually gave him so many good lines big ups for todo likers

Kyle McCarley as Ichimatsu i honestly havent seen much of his performance but god did he put is whole pussy into the one episode where he INSISTS they have to respect each other, hes honestly really really good at maintaining the monotone voice while also conveying a lot of emotion through his voice its pretty impressive that he can do the yellingscreaming while keeping that up, Fukuyama Jun's like. jump from monotone to YEEEAAGHHK when ichimatsu is At His Limit is really really funny so i think that these two are pretty much on par with each other while putting their own spin on how the character . i dont know. expresses himself i guess. poggers :thumbs up emoji i cant use cus im typing on desktop:

in a ranking id prob put Ray's kara here but i already did him so. just. in case u wanted to know this is where he goes to me lmfao hes pretty on par with Kyle's ichimatsu to me tbh

Billy Kametz as Osomatsu honestly worked pretty well osomatsu is the most some guy ever and when u listen its like. a little over the top(obv bc its an anime dub) but its definitely a voice youd hear and go yeah ive probably walked past someone what talks like that, again Great delivery on some lines, he does sound a lot less SillyGoofy #girl... frat bro vibes in there tbh But i mean if he was american i guess he kinda would be huh GHJFGHDF he kinda lost how cheeky he sounds in jp also like there are moments but for the most part :( also the way they wrote him (again i havent seen much but from what i Have seen) he doesnt have the same I Love My Little Brothers energy idk how to describe it they all feel like they hate each other more rghjbhjgh

Sean Chiplock ouygugh im so sorry king but also not it for Choromatsu...... casting directors, voice directors, whoever else is involved in the process, if youre gonna cast around your initial reactions to how the characters are why doesnt he sound like a fuckin nerd!!! i get that hes initally played as a Straight Man but you didnt have to Just Some Dude him make him sound like the loser he is!! even like a little nasally! i also think he sounds a little too much like Billy's Osomatsu, (which again not the va's faults i feel its a voice direction issue) when they talk at the same time its kinda hard to tell em apart which might be on me for not watching enough and getting used to it but... sorrie... no from me

Michael Sinterniklaas i have so much repect for you but.... i already said in that other post, the voice they okayed..... everything he was made to say....... no. thats not jyushimatsu. that fuckin. companion character in some fantasy anime ass voice, his whole deal in the dub is too childish imo and i get why that was their first impression but oough his character suffers so so much for it moreso than any of the others.... they massacred my guy..... and this is absolutely not a dig at Michael, ive seen his other work hes incredibly talented, just everything they got him to do as jyushimatsu makes me take critical damage in real life my hp bar drops so so much

Also i really like Cassandra Lee Morris as Totoko but I feel like she doesnt capture the flip between teehee totoko chwwaaannn and KILL KILL KILL voices that Aya Endou manages, he voice is very cutesy, but i feel like she doesnt sound mad enough when totoko gets pissed WHERE IS YOUR ANGER? YOUR RAGE??? RISE RISE RISE RISE RI

also also Keith Silverstein as iyami is honestly really good i didnt really know what to expect but i feel like hes p spot on, idk how iyami-likers feel abt him though lol ask telly or sth HJGHJ

SORRY this got long but i probably was never gonna be happy with the dub, im not gonna get too much into the writing in the localisation but ough. it is Just a comedy show to the dub writers and i can respect that, but the show means a lot to people Because of the characters and how they clearly run deeper than they appear thats a huge part of the appeal for ososan imo and i feel like a lot was lost in the translation. But! it can be pretty funny sometimes and thats all it rlly needs to be, funny haha penis anime

im gonna try and give the dub another shot, ill do me best to grit n bear through it GHJFG

[goodfully]

ahh okay truthfully, as much as i like tumblr i still feel really awkward with it... goodness i feel like an old person that doesnt know how to use social media hfkehfm (like tagging? such an easy way to organize things! but i dont intend to "help ppl find your post" hahaha) but i like rambling to myself a little too much, into a void-like non-void?

anyway i just wanted to talk to myself again about upcoming reading plans hehe! i have about six weeks left before i leave my books and move out for grad school, and its going to be a really busy six weeks too. im really hoping i can finish reading hermann hesse, steppenwolf and elena ferrante, neapolitan novels!!! ahh but i read quite slow and its likelier that i wont be able to finish five books during this time, esp when my brains extra dead and messy while im packing or being with family members. i really hope so tho!!!

hhfh about steppenwolf... only read the authors note so far and ahhhh!!! hesse said that altho anyone can interpret what they read the way they want to, he hopes that his readers wouldnt misunderstand that this book is about man despairing, but rather that it is about man healing and believing. god god god i love hesse i actually havent read that many books by him yet, but im just so excited to finally read this one!!!

okies so i only just finished reading the brothers karamazov today (!!!) but ahh!!!!! seriously my favorite book ever. i wish i had actual words to say about it, now that ive actually finished reading it, but. ah.. words! i really love it a lot and theres just so many lines i wish to never forget. my goodness, the ivan monologues, zosima chapters, and ending speeches at the end of the trial...!!! theyll all forever be with me! ahh theres really too much to say, i think if i wanted to id need to pick one of the many many things from the book in order to talk about it more. i honestly want to bring this book along with me when i move but its so heavy hfjsjf and i have very limited space in the suitcase</3

i think reading about religion and god and everything in general does drive me a bit crazy. from what i know of dostoevsky (very little hahaha), he struggled with faith and believing in god before being a more devout christian. maybe thats why i liked tbk so much. i was just talking about it with my friend earlier! ive.. never been religious growing up but i still have that childish dream wishing that i was. my dads parents were christian and my moms family is daoist, but neither of my parents pushed anything on me, tbh they both didnt have really strong beliefs either. but still now i wish i just had full belief and trust in god, any god or deity.. just please let me believe in anything really. drives me insane. how can you have undeniable, unconditional divine love? i do wish i understood it so well that im able to love everything, but it frustrates me so much that no matter how much im trying to understand it, im not. and i think my interest in philosophy has more to do with figuring out what and how to believe than id like to admit.

i hope no one else sees/reads this but i also kinda hope someone does and gives me book recommendations... books that make me feel like i did during the zosima chapters hahaha

[spookfished]

nov 2023 media roundup

hello again :3 welcome to the world from 2024!! im doing backlogs of media reviews lol. well i was really busy. and then i was super busy playing umineko!! looking back at this month, it seems like i didnt read a whole lot this month, but then i forgot that ruzhui is literally 300 chapters long. so.. a couple of these i read uh quite a few months ago by now so the review might be a bit stale. however i had like 80% of this written for several weeks so theres only a couple! this will be posted on my neocities at some point

books:

ruzhui by please dont laugh: f/f. after a terrible breakup, college yun an is happy to leave her life behind for some TIME TRAVEL! but while disguising herself as a man to avoid discrimination, she gets looped into a matrilocal marriage with businesswoman lin buxian?! intended as a fluffy palate cleanser after pdl's previous work a clear and muddy loss of love, i think it still kinda ended up getting mired in politics two thirds of the way in, when a lot of us were here for the moments with miss malewife yun an and her powerhouse wife? on the other hand, its hard to stretch out fluff for an entire 300 chapters without contriviances. i also really enjoyed how it managed to balance like. idk. 'returning to the simple emotions of the past' with 'holy shit guys the past actually sucked ass lmfao'. its a pretty relaxing read, so id recommend checking it out if youre into f/f!

the devil comes courting by courtney milan: f/m romance. can romance bloom while trying to create the first telegraphic encoding for chinese...? sooo cute im a huge fan of courtney milan as always. surprisingly goes into some pretty heavy topics including like. forced assimilation via child stealing?????? i thought it was well handled though the ldr stuff and the way amelia grows as a person was soo nice

the marquis who mustnt by courtney milan: f/m romance. the son of a conman returns home for one final trick. meanwhile, naomi just wants to take her medic class. the two become engaged on false premises and of course, catch feelings. once again extremely cute im very charmed. also liked the pottery details :3 i think in every fake engagement the whole 'pretending to themselves they dont have feelings' is a little ridiculous so i liked that they just like. acknowledged it at the outset. i think its honestly more compelling to be like 'yes my feelings are sincere and true however X still outweighs '. loove a guy shackled by duty

wandering souls by cecile pin: follows anh and her two siblings, refugees of the vietnam war. ok honestly i dont remember a lot about this book :( sorry but i did like it! its a really fast read and made me really sad so id recommend. (DISCLAIMER: AMERICAN) i also feel like i dont read a lot of non-american diaspora books so thats pretty interesting as well. nice prose also :]

detransition baby by torrey peters: a trans woman who yearns for motherhood, her detransitioned ex-boyfriend, and his pregnant partner struggle to find a way to live--together, or apart? ok sorry this is another review written in january so its kinda weighted more negatively. i had a LOT of thoughts about this in november but i forgot most of them. this novel is a deep look into a very specific kind of queer subculture--a subculture which is both very white and very annoying. sorry. the characters feel like a vivid, true-to-life depiction of the poeple i try to avoid at my little liberal arts college. however, it ALSO feels like the kind of really good gossip that you love to hear secondhand. also, the author shoehorns in discussions of race in ways that are really jarring and also, kinda bad? i honestly really loved the inner voices of all the characters which is why it sucked when i got to suddenly read a copy-pasted twitter thread about intersectional oppression instead. (especially coming from the mouth of a cis wasian woman..?) it feels all the more tokenistic since we immediately go back to the inner struggles of ames and reese instead. ugh. however, it sparked some really interesting conversations with me and my friends. i also got to learn more about ah i guess transfem detransition? as opposed to transmasc detransition. they are very different! um but i guess id recommend?

comics/manga:

surviving romance: action/horror webtoon?? the woman living in the body of a romance novel character is determined to get her picture-perfect happy ever after-- at all costs. everything goes according to plan until the day zombies attack the school. chaerin is forced to bond with the faceless extras of her story, and find out what is rotting at the core of *love every day*. very solid writing!! i like how the author gradually introduces characters, and how the tension ratchets up as more people to care for becomes more people that can be lost. definitely goes into some orv-lite type themes, which i appreciated. i guess my only complaint is that despite the solid execution it didnt really ~wow~ me in any way... still worth checking out though :3

run away with me girl by battan: f/f romanceish? two high school lovers meet again after midori decided that their relationship was just a childish whim. but even though midori has decided shes straight (and is married with a kid on the way!), maki still has feelings for her. dude soooo cute the art style is not personally my thing but i felt like all of the characters were really grounded and the introspective parts were really interesting. some beautifully atmospheric parts! would recommend :3 witch hat atelier kitchen (reread) by shirahama kamome: a spinoff of witch hat atelier, where the two teachers qifrey and olrugio make food together after hours! gorgeous art as always, and some cute recipes too! i reread this since an official english translation came out lol. monotone blue: short furry m/m about apathetic, aloof cat hachi, who meets aoi--a shy transfer student who happens to be the only lizard in the whole school. pretty lighthearted for the most part, but also heavily implied a sexual assault scene?? or at least the vibes?? in a way that treated it far too lightly and left a bad taste in my mouth. possibly worth reading for the art, but idk :/ definitely falls into the romance trap of having a love interest go "ill save you from these bad guys!" for like a cheap plot device and then not really going into it

movies/tv:

parasite: class-focused comedic thriller? the kim family finds a way out of choking poverty by working for the extremely affluent park family. its almost too easy--until it isnt. man everyone says parasite is so good. AND IT IS!!! i cant believe i took so long to see this movie i got to see it with some friends over thanksgiving break and it was so good :] had me stressed for my fucking life sitting at the edge of my seat. has a lot of meat to bite into analysis-wise but is also just so crushing in many ways.. the ending stuck in my head for a long time. rewatching it this january was honestly more stressful in some ways haha

revolutionary girl utena: allegory-heavy commentary on shoujo and princess narratives and the nature of heroism and-- f/f. utena is a girl who aspires to be just like the prince of her dreams. she is somehow wrapped up into an engagement with anthy himemiya, who calls herself "the rose bride." ahhhh i still havent watched the last two episodes actually. people always say "utena is a fantastic show but PLEASE mind every single trigger warning" and its true! utena tackles some really heavy subjects in a way that is delicate, understated, and vicious. i watched a bunch of these episodes late at night in the computer lab and they honestly left me breathless. has so many layers of symbolism to dig through that it can honestly be overwhelming, but also very compelling just on the surface! watch utena. also watch this amv https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THN3gYKYojs

the wonderful story of henry sugar: a netflix adaptation of one of roald dahls stories (within a story). it was cute :3 not a lot of sticking power lol but i think this is the first wes anderson production ive ever watched. very visually distinctive!

video games:

lethal company: cooperative horror game about trying to collect garbage in a dystopically capitalist world ft. proximity chat! dude this game is blowing tf up i tried playing it with neil but 1. we are huge pussies 2. its really only feasible with 3+ people

music:

TILT by nanoray: anime breakcore is one of my truly guilty pleasures. i see the anime girl on the cover and cringe a little bit HOWEVER nanoray is a really good artist. the intro is so liquid... i think the album as a whole really just sweeps you up into a groove. some of my favorite tracks are into and DOGWALK2000 THE LONELIEST TIME by carly rae jepsen: i was so mean to carly rae jepsen in middle school. im so sorry miss jepsen i was just so tired of hearing call me maybe everywhere. im now a changed man. just a really well constructed pop album 👍admittedly not as iconic to me as emotion, but joshua tree and talking to yourself are my favorites atm SAYONARA WILD HEARTS OST: ive never played sayonara wildheart, but i think its a rhythm game about girls fighting each other on motorcycles? with bisexual lighting and tarot cards? but anyways this is a synth-y lush pop album thats super fun! it feels like it tells a story (probably bc it does) and it always makes me want to listen all the way through :3 my favorites are sayonara wild heart and their clair de lune remix

anyways if you read to the end, thanks as always! its really interesting to try and condense my thoughts about something into one paragraph.. sometimes its easier than others huh! im almost done with the december one so please look forward to that 👍

[iskeai-needs-more-dykes]

Hi, sorry to jump onto your blog and reference a personal vent post you made, but since it is venting, I thought I’d clarify something in terms of the nuance attached to the issue: basically, manhua is Chinese while manhwa is Korean, and the images you included in your post show it’s actually a Korean manhwa (via the action words on the panel).

Obviously East Asian countries overall tend to have some not great beauty standards and China isn’t necessarily more innocent than Korea in terms of fatphobia, but I do personally think both countries sometimes engage with beauty standards in different ways. For example, there’s not a lot of focus on transforming fat people into skinny beauty queens in Chinese media, so that’s why, as a person of Chinese descent and also a manhua fan, it felt off-putting seeing the misdirected hatred.

Again, sorry to just burst in with this random ask about the matter. I just see manhua and manhwa lumped together a lot, and while it’s kind of understandable, Chinese media is a lot more underrated than Korean media and gets a lot more undeserved hate due to sinophobia, so seeing more misdirected frustration can be a little discouraging.

But of course, your posts aren’t about that or for me, and I know that. I understand I’m just a stranger on the Internet, but I hope though that someday you can find a manhwa that meets your standards nonetheless! The lack of representation in any media for people who fall outside the standard beauty mold—where any representation can even end up feeling malicious—truly sucks. 😔

oh sorry!! yea i know the comic was korean - and no matter how much i complain about stuff just know that its never directed to entire cultures. thats hypocritical and just as bad as the people who excuse awful behavior by generalizing by race. fatphobia, racism, sexism are all issues prevelant in every form of media regardless of Where they come from.

as for the manhua vs manhwa. honestly that is a true mistake on my part, i knew there was a difference but i got the terms mixed up and didnt bother looking up to see if i was right. but i am aware that most of what i read is korean! ill be more careful from now on to use the correct term, thank you for that.

but yes of course regardless of if the comic is chinese, korean, or even japanese since this is an issue with a lot of manga i find as well! i criticize obvious fatphobia and the common trends i see. thats not to say in any sense there ARENT any manhwa [or manhua] that dont handle these issues well, in fact ive read a few in that regard though its more background stuff. its just a frustrating issue and i know id be feeling the exact same way in regards to western media.

anyway i hope i make sense in this and thank you for being civil and correcting me! while my posts may just be vents i dont mind others talking or fixing anything i say wrong. i have some issues so im not the best in the way of saying? putting words together and all if that makes sense. but thank you anyway and i hope you have a good day ^_^

[sunsp0tarchive]

Post about oc genders i suppose! I know i havent posted here in a while, because i havent really been focusing a ton on my own characters again for a bit. But i hope i can return to that again some time soon. For now i just wanted to kind of ramble about my thoughts on some of my ocs gender identities a bit.

Ellis has always been kind of the first oc i explored some of my growing ideas about gender with, when i created him a long time ago, as a teenager too, it still kind of felt "scandalous" to have a very feminine man as a protagonist. Now that sounds a little odd, because its honestly kind of common these days (and my narrow experience as a teenager also didnt include a lot of previous queer media at the time.) He has changed so much over the years. I felt more comfortable making him a feminine man over time, but i also felt like i wanted to make him more realistic in a sense. Ellis, within the story, just doesnt have a very strong concept of gender in the first place. Rather than insisting on him being a beautiful, feminine man who "just looks like that", i want there to be more intention and reflection in his appearance and presentation. Actually looking at him through a lense of queer and trans themes. Ellis' lacking vocabulary and concept of gender goes along with them not having a very full concept of their own personality either. His whole arc in the story is largely about learning to acknowledge himself as a human and as a personality. I think any pronouns are appropriate for Ellis in the grand scheme of things. (Right now, consider them he/they.) Within the story he usually just goes with "he" because he has not really put much thought into identifying himself in any other way. Theres a lot i wanna explore with them still. Some things already in my mind, some things yet to be formed really. Overall i like to see him as a nonbinary character who just doesnt really verbalize or understand that as such. Lets just say Ellis doesnt really get much room to reflect on himself for a long time.

Theres also Gabbi, who is an intersex trans guy. At the start of his arc, he is actually quite insecure about his masculinity, often wondering whether people take him seriously. (They do actually, everyone around him kind of thinks hes cool, but he just thinks everyone sees him as a little weirdo.) A big theme in his story is the tight control that rules his life and the control he asserts over himself and his identity. Over time he becomes a lot more uninterested in performing a certain kind of masculinity and just does whatever. Where Ellis doesnt self reflect much, Gabbi self reflects too much. He is far too concerned with how he is perceived. Thinks too much about himself. Over time, he learns to let go of constantly checking himself. Gabbis pronouns for the majority of the story are he/him, later he/they as well.

I feel i have so many characters whose genders i wanna talk about, so i might make another post about it some time.. i think i will leave it with these two and next time id like to talk about esra and lorelei a bit, and maybe someone else. alas

[moedollita]

i do feel like i had bad luck today because i didnt see her this morning

i expected to see her this morning ... i saw her yesterday morning walking the same route , it surprised me and i ended up looking in an awkward direction as we passed by eachother ( it always seems like we're passing by eachother and never walking the same direction ? ) im wondering if it was because im too early ..... yesterday i was early and i saw her though , so maybe she was the late one . yesterday i had come to the conclusion that i was going to have a good day because i saw her , and i did !! this girl in my first period asked to use some lotion and when i gave her mine she said things like " so this is why you smell so good every day " and " now i get to smell like ___ for the day " it made me really happy ! maybe thats really nothing to other people but i dont really talk to anyone at school so after that interaction i considered the day to be good . but today i didnt see her and ... my water botrle spilled everywhere . not jusf everywhere but a little backstory ; i was running late so i didnt properly check the cap to my water bottle before i out it in my backpack ( 70oz , i walk 50k steps everyday so i drink a lot of water aswell ) and it ended up spilling in first period . it didnt just spill a little bit . my 70oz water bottle went from basically full to only reaching 8oz . it was so embarassing !!! im a very quiet person so everybodys attention was on me !!!!!!!! we had to get a custodian and the girl at my table is so nice she took me to gef the custodian and made lighthearted conversation i think i wouldve freaked out a lot more if she hadnt spoken to me . qfter 1st period i went to the bathroom to cut , but as i thought my blade was too dull , so much bad luck ...... i think ill talk abt my complex towards blades and especially stealing them in another post . anyways i have some eyebrow razors coming in and those are sposed to be one - swipe - to - fat - layer so im excited . well not so much excited moreso curious ?

after the cutting thing didn't work i decided that when i get home i was gonna take a shot of vodka , sake or whiskey . whatever my parents have laying around . ive actually never had alcohol or drugs or vape or anything before , id consider myself somewhat of a sheltered kid honestly . generally i think today j was very overstimulated , i guess it was just too ' different ' from what im used to . but get this !! i saw her both at lunch and in the halls after i was skipping ( an assembly ) !! in fact i saw her twice during the latter because we both turned around and went to opposite way , making us pass by eachother again . i was ' following ' her , not in like a stalker way but i was pacing around already and she was technically going the direction of my classroom so .. but yeah she turned around ? while i was walking to my last class i didnt even see her ?! im hoping i was too early or something , i think the days where i dont see her im just too early because i think ? she comes down the stairs . ive been worrying that she might be avoiding me ..? i came to the conclusion that she doesnt really think about me to the volume i think about her but i do notice that the other day she seemed to be looking at me before i even saw her so maybe shes on alert ? which is horrible for me because yesterday she looked even nicer than usual in her cute sweater and i only got to get a .1 second glance from my peripheral . she often at least gives me a glance when i look at her which makes it kinda hard to get a proper look , im starving .... ive been trying to find her instagram but im unsure if she even has one . when i got home i took a good look at the alcohol cabinet but i decided against drinking anything ( im actually annoyed by how quickly my emotions change because by 3rd period i started feeling better out of nowhere .... which is good but i wanted to take a shot of whiskey )

in total i ended up seeing her about 3 times , record timelapse of about 30 minutes !!!

i went outside and the stars are really beautiful today , too