#honestly I'm still kind of figuring this out myself because this hasn't happened in a thread yet

[aidenlydia]

I have seen that you are very open about supporting trans people and that your pronouns are they/them. How were you able to understand that you were trans? (If you are.) I've honestly felt so confused lately and don't have anyone I can ask about this. I love your ftm ghost art. I think it is amazing. I just don't know what to do or how I'll ever be able to figure out myself. Totally not your job but was curious if you had advice.

Not sure how helpful this will be, because my trans experience is deeply interlinked with my Dissociative Identity Disorder and Autism, so I'm sorry if this is a bit confusing.

What is Dissociative Identity Disorder

Dissociative Identity Disorder - Terms and Definitions

Autism and Gender

The reason why I go by they/them is because we're literally multiple people. Our two Hosts Aiden and Lydia (aka the alters interacting most with the world outside of our own head) are a man and a woman. We spend all our time together, sharing a body and the control over it.

We used to go by he/she, but people would only view us as a girl because of our body, so we switched to they/them. It makes more sense and feels better to be acknowledged together instead of Aiden being left out all the damn time.

Now bear with me here.

Though Lydia is a cis women, she grew up never belonging anywhere because we're autistic, so she feels like an imposter and a fraud when trying to connect to her feminity. Most days we barely feel human at all because we've been othered all our life. But she still views herself as a woman - motherhood in particular is a big important part of her.

Aiden is a trans man, but he doesn't mind our feminine body and doesn't plan on getting surgery ever. Testosterone maybe, but even that isn't super important to him at the moment. To him knowing he's a man is enough, passing isn't a priority at all. And because all of our Littles are girls he's rather protective of their body - any kind of medical procedure would cause a lot of fear in them.

He realized he's trans because he preferred a male name for himself, short hair and male clothing. It happened very quickly because exploring gender has never been an issue for us, it's fun and simply felt comfortable.

We do have two Agender Alters, but they don't come out in our regular daily life. They don't feel like anything really, they're deeply connected to nature and just want to exist as genderless beings, so they prefer not taking control of our body. It feels peaceful not being put into a box or defined by gender expectations and whatever other bullshit the world comes up with.

In the past we used to have another trans male Host, but he was suffering deeply from gender dysphoria. He couldn't stand the sight of our body or existing in it and became very self destructive about it. Until one day he just stopped coming out and hasn't been back since.

Before I even realized I had DID, gender wasn't really a concept to me. Same with names, it just didn't make sense to me why someone couldn't just change their name if they didn't like the one their parents gave them for whatever reason. I think of people as people, not boys and girls. Sure there are physical differences, but the meanings/genderroles we attributed to them are completely made up.

Folks love nagging me about how I draw my Ghost, but the truth is he can walk around looking like a cis girl and still be a man, I truly dgaf. So what if he's smaller and more delicate looking next to that big bear of a captain, that doesn't make him any less of a man.

The best advice I can give is you don't need to label yourself if you don't want to. You can experiment and just see what feels good. Maybe you'll find a label or make a plan along the way, but don't feel pressured to.

Common things people do is try out a different name, change their pronouns, create and play as video game characters of the opposite gender/sex (or gender non-conforming in general), listen to trans playlists/musicians, shop clothes/stuff in the other section (including underwear or things like jewelry ect), read books or watch movies about different kinds of trans characters, watch video essays about trans topics, create OCs or sonas, look at trans art and watch/read about other people's trans journeys.

Of course there are "what's my gender identity" tests you can take too, idk how helpful those are but I guess they can give you a bit more insight and maybe make you ask questions that you haven't asked yourself before.

Lastly here's a list of gender identities and definitions that might be beneficial to have a look at, as well as my trans resource list I put together last month about what can be done to change your gender in various ways

[destiny-in-the-universe]

Into the Ninjaverse: RC9GN AU

Alright, I finally managed to have some time to myself-

I had two different directions for this verse and I've yet to decide which one I want to use. I'll start with one that's more 'true' to the canon of ITSV/ATSV and the idea that OG! Randy takes the spot of Miles Morales (and poor Randy is definitely going to go through it-). I'm honestly thinking that across multiple universes, there are other Ninjas (none of which are Randy, for ahems reasons-). Unfortunately for our hero, he finds one of the Ninjas in his own dimension and decides he needs to help them.

Randy is startled to realize this is the First Ninja, only... different. He doesn't know what to do, deciding he's just flat out bringing him home. I honestly think the reason he makes the connection is either outfit design OR Finja takes the mask off in front of Randy and that's how he knows, but moving on-

So Randy now is finding out other universes exist- this poor kid is a little overwhelmed because he's been the Ninja for less than a year and is struggling to wrap his mind around it. Unfortunately, things spiral out of control when other Ninjas appear- it's now caught the attention of McFist, Viceroy, and the Sorcerer which is a massive problem. The Ninjas will have to face them head on as the final arc, but of course I could still be a menace if ATSV and the "Ninja Society" is integrated into the storyline. We'll be getting to that later!

Option 2 is honestly based off of having OG Randy meeting the different AU's I've created- the problem is just choosing the right ones, or pick the ones my readers (and myself because this is incredibly self indulgent) would be most interested by. I honestly think this could be done as a season finale type thing where I kind of just chuck Randy into a portal and is now stuck in another reality with no way to get home but ends up in other dimensions, and it's a whole mess because reasons

Although genuinely, I'm leaning more toward the first one so! I'm providing a brief depiction of each of the characters- both in the OG and alternate timelines

Randy Cunningham (canon universe)- 14 at the start of ITNV. He's only been the Ninja for a few months and is still adjusting to his duties but overall, he's doing pretty well. He ends up finding an alternate version of the First Ninja and decides to help him (how could he not when he literally finds him unconscious?)

Howard Weinerman (canon universe): pretty much the same as canon! Nothing really changes yet-

First Ninja / ??? (alternate universe/dimension 616): meant to take the role of Peter B Parker, this version of Finja has long since retired from his responsibilities as the Ninja. Due to things going wrong in his timeline, he hasn't been as active as he could be and his meeting with Randy only happens by pure chance

Howard Weinerman/??? (alternate universe): This version of Howard is still in the works, but I like to think he's not the Ninja per se- genuinely thinking of incorporating a version of Howard who works for McFist and Viceroy, or even something to do with tengu! Howard. Only... he's extremely startled and surprised to see Randy (though why?)

Theresa Fowler/The Purple Ninja (alternate universe): I feel like she'd be a little adjacent to Penny from ITSV! Because I said so- there's not really a lot for her right now, but I don't consider Fowlham endgame for this AU at all (i have other things in mind, that's all i'm going to say)

Nomi/Nomicon/??? (alternate canon): y'all are going to hate me for this- or you might not, but I do consider there's the one singular universe where the Nomicon is human and takes on a role eerily similar to Miguel Rivera for... ahems reasons (i think you can figure it out, but for now- consider all of this to be non-canon to the ITNV world! at least for now)

I like to think canon! Nomicon can have a human form but chooses not to reveal themself- as a personal quota to remain cold and neutral to all Ninjas but at the same time, they can't help seeing something different in Randy. This is self indulgent, I'm going to write what I want hahah

There's also a lesser version of this idea where it's more like the Ninjas are still Ninjas, but also have like- spiderman-esque vibes as well? I keep thinking of a fusion between the two, and now honestly I might just switch between the three versions until I settle on one I like!

For now, these are my current thoughts! Please comment on this or something- I genuinely want to see who's interested!

Current Tag List:

into the ninjaverse / ITNV - general tag

ask itnv - for asks about the characters!

itnv talks - responses/answers to the asks

I'm not really expecting this AU to garner a lot of attention but just in case- I have these setup because someone's got to be interested!

[nakedbibi333]

hey bibi, i would REALLYYY appreciate if you helped me out on this one question that has been killing me rn (it’s in bold on the bottom just incase u want to skip the tangent)

honestly, if i succeed in fulfilling myself that you replied, it'll raise my faith a little bit when/if I see that you replied.

I've been on this journey for the longest time I'm talking divineangelbee, planet, cine, hera, yours when you went into the void, dreamgrlsworld, the void obsession, the alpha waves, the mindless or just feeling while affirming, the self and void concept challenges for 2 weeks, and now applying states after edward art and neville and having things click with aphroditeapprentice and blushydior etc ; applying for months. But guess what idk what is happening and what's holding me back!

i know that if i was in the state, I obviously wouldn't be sending this message but since it doesn't matter what I do in the 3D and my human self wants to ask for help, I will ask for guidance.

I've even fulfilling myself, returning to the wish fulfilled whenever I think of my desire, I prioritize the inner man over getting physical results but you know, if someone was doing it right, it would reflected by now right? of course it would because it's the law.

I don't why it hasn't done so yet and l'm slowly and at the same time very quickly losing my faith because it's been like what, 2/3 years since I found out about the law from tumblr? I KNOW I'm meant to be living my dream life in a little cottage in Europe or big mansion in LA, I KNOW I was meant to succeed and live a life of my dreams because I deal with hard things in my life, I AM! MEANT TO SUCCEED. but what am I doing wrong if it's been months of fulfilling myself that it should've been my dominant state already? I feel good and every time I doubt, I know and tell myself that I ALREADY experience my desire in imagination and it HAS to reflect?

thank you, if you answer this I really would appreciate it :)

It's hard to say what's going wrong because I'm not in your head. I don't know what kinds of states you occupy during your day, I don't know if you're actually persisting, and I don't know if you're truly identifying with your inner self. To be honest, people can say that they're doing everything right, but when it comes down to it, they're still in a state of lack. The only thing I can think of is that you might be in a state of waiting. If you're wondering what you're doing wrong, looking to the 3D for confirmation constantly, and not feeling like you truly have everything you want, then that may be your problem. The thing is, the way the law works is a little backward. You need to believe before you see, feel before you have it, and be the way you want to be internally before it expresses externally. But again, I can't know what's going on in your head, at some point, you just have to take a look inward and honestly figure that out for yourself. I wish I could help you more, but there's really so much I can do in the position I'm in!

[mellancholy-morose]

🥤🍄🍬☁️

i will restrain myself i wanna ask at least half of these XD'

🥤 recommend an author or fanfic you love

Hmm hard to choose so I'll leave a couple

Pretty much anything by Sleepmarshes @marshofsleep is good shit, most people that have been in the fandom for awhile will probably already know their stuff, most of what's up is soma stuff. They're a master of emotional whiplash and can go from comedy to serious in 5 seconds flat in a way that is both satisfying and devastating.

The Moments We Touch by tastewithouttalent

A really good Stein/Spirit longfic that has them as kids, and then later as adults going through the events of the anime while dealing with their complicated relationship. It's also one of the few times I've read a fic that shows anime scenes that hasn't bored me because it was just restating what we've already seen. The scenes we see replayed in this show new context to what's happening and reframes what we've all seen before in different light.

Pray for the Wicked on the Weekend by thought

@thought-42

Stein/Spirit again. A rare second person fic, and one that uses second person in a really effective way. I'm a sucker for second person fics after Marsh subjected me to it, and they are very rare to see. I love Spirit's characterization and thoughts in this, it's very good and honestly I should reread it again.

def pacts by LikeAFish

Stein/Spirit, one of my favorites, it's from Spirits pov and has him dealing with his relationship with Maka as well as figuring out his feelings about Stein, and their past. It sadly hasn't been updated in awhile, but its still worth a read for how good it is.

I have a bunch more I could recommend probably but this is already a lot lol

🍄 share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings

This is a little hard for me cause there are very few head canons that are consistent for me, I tend to change my mind on things depending on the fic I'm writing. And most of what stays consistent my brain has grouped under characterization, not head canons.

That being said after digging through my brain a bit heres what I've got that does stay consistent. Stein is a very introspective person and so is very aware of boundaries with Spirit. While he loves pushing buttons and seeing how far he can go with something, he's also very conscious of how what he did in the past affected Spirit and attempts to not further damage their relationship/make Spirit seriously uncomfortable. (Like a lower level of uncomfortable for a joke he'd be okay with, the kind that isn't wholly negative. but if it was something more than that he'd be very aware and cautious about it.)

As for Spirit I see him as being very confident with women, but the moment it comes to Stein there's always a lack of it, some form of nervousness. Which tends to change depending on the situation I throw them in, but there's always something, sometimes its because it's men, and he has less experience/is just realizing he's gay. Sometimes it's because it's Stein and their past is so complicated how does one navigate that amidst developing feelings. Sometimes it's because of what happened in the past leaves him with complicated feelings in the present. And sometimes it's cause he has no idea what Stein's feelings might be towards him.

🍬 post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character

Man idk I mainly have opinions on unpopular characters I can't really think of anything for the popular characters, so I guess I'll give you something that I think is unpopular for my usual idiots.

First thought was my perception on Stein saying he doesn't understand love when fighting medusa, that he's not being very truthful with that comment. But I've already kinda voiced my thoughts about that here, while the post isn't directly related to that comment I said anything I would have touched on for it.

The only other one I can think of is that Stein and Spirit are both switches, neither one of them are purely a top or bottom. Which I only assume is unpopular based on fics always picking one or the other. But Spirit's a hedonist and Stein would want to experience anything he could just to know what it's like. And they'd both like both roles for different reasons. Spirit would like being more of a top/dominate cause making Stein who's usually so stoic into a mess of pleasure or teasing him till he's practically begging for it would make Spirit giddy, and uniquely proud of himself.

Spirit would like being more of a sub/bottom cause he's more of a sensory based guy. (like he's more on the sensing side of the perceiving axis of myers briggs typing if you get my drift, but I digress I could make a whole in depth post about both of their myers briggs types) And Spirit is the hardworking type, I don't think he remembers how to relax sometimes, so being "forced" to relax on occasion by his partner being more dominate and taking the lead is something he'd really appreciate.

Stein is used to being more dominate/leading things (meister, teacher, ect) it's a role he's used to and comfortable in outside of the bedroom, so inside would likely be no different. (Even if the universe in question he had little experience with this stuff, the moment he does he'd be comfortable with leading things) He also seems the type to me to know and remember the little things about a partners body (like an arrangement of freckles on a shoulder or something) and being in a dom role gives him a good position to observe his partner and memorize them, and their reactions to things.

As a sub/bottom Stein would like actually being in touch with his body for once, and not having to be in charge of things. He'd be happy just to bask in the sensations for awhile, or he'd have fun pushing Spirit's buttons by being a brat (if we're talking more bdsm flavored dom/sub style)

☁️ what made you choose your username?

At some point when I was a kid I was flipping through TV channels and caught a glimpse of a Shakespeare adaptation (which to this day i cannot figure out which one it was) where a character was monologing in the woods, which was first where I heard the word melancholy. I looked up what it meant, and being a bit of an edgy teen went 'yep sounds like me' I started using it for mmo's and such shortly after, which is where the double L and the Morose came from, i added the extra L as melancholy was taken a lot, and then decided I like the aesthetic's of, and the Morose came from MMO's that required a last name for your character. Idr why Morose is what i went with besides i liked the alliteration, and it sounded better than macabre.

[sugareey-makes-stuff]

Hi! Questions from The Let's Get Real ask game

🌿💝

Hiya dear friend! Just getting back to this now, and you asked some excellent questions! Here ya go:

🌿 How does creating make you feel? I'm going to try to reign this answer in, but the short one is creating makes me feel like myself and I'm comfortable in my own skin. It's like breathing, and I try to work on a thing on a daily basis as my non-negotiable. 5 minutes of doing a thing every day adds up to make something super cool. I think I've been wired to tap into creativity since I was a kid and I've used creativity as a way to reach milestones but also as a coping mechanism during really difficult times. It's definitely something I can't turn off? And hey, creating lets me throw down ideas or stories in a more accessible or tangible way, and it's a form of self-expression I can always rely on since it hasn't failed me yet.

💝 What is a fic that got a different response than you were expecting? I'm going to mention 2 fics, since that's what happens when one writes for multiple fandoms! If we're talking about from HP, I think things will always back to Little did I know (Perciver, T, 2.5k), since that was the first official fic I published back in 2021 after a really long writing hiatus. I figured if I had 3 people read and liked it, that would be cool. But the amount of love the story got (and is stilling getting), and the fact it's one of my most bookmarked AND kudosed works to date is kind of insane. I'm grateful because I think that's the reason why I kept writing again. I could have easily bowed out, but I didn't! For Teen Wolf, The Walls Came Crashing Down (Sterek, T, 4.2k) was such a wild card. First time writing whump, and the recipient wanted lots of angst. I threw in lore, blood, and uhhh...for a short ficlet/one shot, I guess people really liked it? I honestly was unsure how I felt about the fic when I initially posted it since whump is not what I usually write. But it paid off because the person squeed, and honestly, it was refreshing to write something different from the usual, you know?

Thanks for the asks! ___ Want to ask a writing q? Send them over for the Let's Get ((REAL)) fic writer asks!

[waywardsalt]

this has been a good year for new games for me, ironically bc i had a shit time with totk and was able to better recognize what i like. totk is a game i have not touched since beating it, while every other game i have played this year have be considerably better and just. idk good experiences

so some reflection on the games i played for the first time this year that i really liked!

i played fire emblem engage this year- i literally forgot that that happened this year, i've only been counting games since totk, and i've played some good fuckin games after totk, but i honestly had a good silly time with fe engage. the music is great, the story is a bit flat and hammy at times but was still engaging (hah) and i was pleasantly surprised by the development of the main character, and it was pretty hard even on an easy difficulty, which each map sometimes taking an hour to get through as the story progressed. plus i can't deny that the referneces to other fe games with the emblem rings was a cool selling point, i'm not too familiar with the other fe games and it was interesting to see some of the characters from them. loading into lucina's paralogue and instantly recognizing the map layout and music got to me pretty good as someone who was introduced into the series by awakening. it was great!

i played persona 5 royal after totk and. what a fucking palette cleanser it's one of the best games i have ever played and i've... somewhat liveblogged my first playthrough and snippets of my second, it's fantastic (not flawless tbf) and just a lot of fun. the music is great holy shit and it was also just a great story to experience, with some interesting messaging throughout with the confidant stuff and the things brought up by the third semester. i didn't even initally get persona 5 with the intention to play it myself, it was for my sibling, who played it once and put it down and hasn't touched it since while i picked it up on a whim and was hooked by the music and style and gameplay and... holy shit it's so good. i don't even mind okumura's palace too much.

i managed to get myself a copy of kid icarus uprising (and also got the guide book by accident, don't ask, it's helpful anyways), and... they sure did make a third person shooter on the 3ds and it sure does. Handle. in all honestly the controls are kind of a mess but the game feels really good to play when you get a handle on them, even if i keep accidentally sending pit falling to his death in the ground segments because just moving him is a bit rough. the game is also surprisingly hard, and i wouldn't just chalk it up to the controls, and the music (esp the tracks for the air segments and the way its timed to the game events... ugh) is fantastic, and what i've seen of the story and characters so far is charming! i have only gotten up to past chapter 9 out of... 30? because each chapter is fairly long and... those controls. it's great!

i also managed to get my hands on shin megami tensei iv! i first found it through the fantastic soundtrack, played the first through hours after it failing to boot a few times and getting fucking destroyed by the earliest enemies because holy shit this game will beat you into the ground if you try, and was like 'hm i wonder why they went with that specific sound for a lot of the ost' and then got to fucking tokyo and i. i do not know a lot abt smt iv's story and i'm grateful. getting to tokyo was a bit internal 'holy SHIT' moment and i am so desperate to figure out what the fuck is going on with this story and world it's really fascinating. i haven't progressed the story in a while even through i know where to go just because i'm trying to level flynn and my demons and do side quests because i am not going to underestimate any new encounter ever it's fantastic.

did i start playing clangen this year? i might have. it's good. it's fun. i've played it on voice call with my friend a few times. i'm currently hooked on starting with 1 apprentice and 1 kit like a lot of people are doing on here, building cool stories based on it. it's neat.

that's (probably) all of the new games i've played (and enjoyed) this year so far, but i found out that fallout: new vegas is ten fucking dollars on steam (20 with all of the dlc) and i might have to give that a shot after tracking down a bunch of mods to keep it from crashing, and just from what i've seen of people talking about it, it sounds like a game i really need to try either this year or sometime next year. i'm mostly still just floored that it's less than thirty dollars.

[hoghtastic]

I must admit, I feel "seen." 😋 As I sit here, reading all the posts, I totally feel seen but in a different way than you may think. Typically, anyone who "feels seen," gets defensive and then sends in an ask that is calling someone out. I want to address this differently and hope for someone to help me. I'm serious. And I'm not going to be rude, so don't worry. I seriously am asking for your opinions and suggestions.

I'm about to lay all my BS out on the table and open up and be completely vulnerable here. Please, if you answer me, be kind, because I'm honestly not pointing fingers at anyone but MYSELF!

Well, am I someone who has also been "desperately trying to prove that Johanne does not live with Alex?" Yes, I am. Have I analyzed stuff to exhaustion to prove my point that it hasn't happened yet? Also, yes. Does it mean I'm a bit on the crazy side? Absolutely. It has to. Or completely crazy? Probably also, yes. (Even though my friend tells me that crazy people don't usually sit around and question if what they're doing is crazy or not. Haha)

And the question here isn't AM I jealous of her. The question is, WHY the F*@K am I jealous of her? I have my own life, that I am quite happy with, actually, and I know whatever happens with them, between them, absolutely has no bearing on my life whatsoever! They could have 2.5 kids, 20 brand new cars, a white picket fence, and live happily ever after, and it would not affect my life at all. They are complete strangers that I only know and make my opinions of based on what they've posted and what I've seen and read about them. How does it make any D#@M sense, then, that the thought of them living together or omg, getting married makes a part of my heart break a little? And seriously, not because of anything she has done or posted and deleted, (because I won't make an assumption based on who she is entirely based on just the ridiculous sh¡t) but just because I'm just woman enough to admit I'm jealous! I know even if they weren't together, it doesn't increase MY chances of being with him or anything even close to that, so why the H3LL do I care?!!!!!!!!!!!! I have thought and thought and analyzed it to death and I still can't figure it out.

I want him to be happy, I do, but why does him being happy make a part of me sad? And even though it does still make me happy for him, it makes no sense!

So I come to you all to sincerely ask if I am the only one. Surely I'm not the only person in this boat! 🤞🏼 and even if I am, is there anyone who can explain this to me? WHAT THE F☆@K is my problem? Because it seems I seriously have one! Ugh!

HELP! Please! I feel so dumb. And I'm usually smarter than this.

Oh, And just in case someone says it or thinks it, no, I don't think me and Alex are in any kind of relationship, I don't think we're all friends, and I don't think he's mine or belongs to me. I'm not completely lost haha

Hello anon! 😊 First of all, I truly admire your courage and sincerity for sharing your feelings with us in such an honest way. I do believe you're not the first, nor will you be the last to feel like this. Most people, in any moment of their lives had some sort of celebrity crush which may or may not have had some sort of impact in their lives.

Especially in today's age, social media has made it extremely easy to have access to one's favorite celebrities. As we get more glimpses into their lives, and even some interactions sometimes, we feel closer to them and they truly become a part of our daily lives. We see these people everyday, we get to know what they've been up to, and therefore we grow to know and admire them even more. Sometimes their mere presence brightens our day and gives us some comfort in tough times, to help us through the day, much like a real-life friend would, and our attachment grows. And like a real-life friend, we won't always agree with everything they do or say, so sometimes we also get a little frustrated or even worried about them (or jealous, like you mentioned). And these feelings are real, the time and emotional (and sometimes monetary) investment in these people is real, however, the relationship is not, since it's really one-sided. And that's the key word here, which defines parasocial relationships.

From your description, it seems to me that's what you're experiencing. According to this article, there are various levels of parasocial relationships, and it seems that while you are aware of their one-sided nature, which is actually a good thing, it's still affecting you in some way, so it has become intense-personal.

While parasocial relationships can lead to negative consequences like stalking and avoiding real-life relationships and responsibilities, they also have a few benefits, like helping socially anxious people eliminate fear of rejection, or helping against depression and loneliness, as people feel some sort of connection to their favorite celebrity (and sometimes even make friends in the community/fandom). So it's easy to understand why some people are more vulnerable and end up experiencing parasocial relationships.

It's also important to acknowledge that today's industry also capitalizes on these relationships, creating an illusion of face-to-face interaction. In said article they mention more personal advertising campaigns in which celebrities or influencers talk directly to their audiences, maybe even sharing some personal stories to establish a closer connection. However, since we're talking about Alex, I'd like to mention the countless conventions he attends, during which he acts as his fans' long time friend, speaking and behaving exactly how they expect him to, promoting this sense of proximity and giving the illusion of a more realistic and intimate connection.

In conclusion, what you're experiencing is actually very common, anon, and I'd advise you to look a little more into this topic to better understand your feelings. However, if you feel they're having some sort of bigger impact in your daily life, my best advice would be to talk to a professional who could better guide you. Regardless, I hope this was helpful and if you ever feel like talking to someone about this, my asks & DMs are always open. 😊💖

[nebulousfishgills]

Emily with Henry and Emily with Caius please, I want to see where all the differences lie...

5, 7, 10, 11, 20, 26, 32 (idk if Twilight vampires can get drunk but just pretend), 38, 40, 46

Thanks for the numbers, bestie! I would have answered this sooner but I got rly busy all of a sudden lol. Also I knew answering this ask in full would take a while.* Anyways, two ships so we're gonna do two sections... so you bet your ass I'm adding a cut.

I'll do the tiny text as well to save room... and one meme/shitpost each for the lulz (featuring shoddy edits of FC Olivia Cooke as Emily) because I don't know where else to post these lol... I have many more beyond this if you're interested.

*It did, I was working on this for like, two and a half hours, probably longer...

Emily and Henry

5 - Do they argue often? If so, what do they argue about?

Honestly, I can only think of one time off the top of my head where they had a really serious argument, and that was their famous "you're just being paranoid" "you're getting sucked in by these weird vampire people" fight. Other than that, maybe the occasional friendly squabble as kids over who cheated at chess and the like.

7 - How often do they say 'I love you?'

That depends on where in the timeline we are. When they're still trapped in the lab, very infrequently since they don't want Brenner suspecting they could be involved together in any way. When they sneak into each other's rooms, sure, maybe a couple times, but that doesn't happen that often. Post Upside-Down Banishment, I think the habit of not directly saying I Love You kinda carries over, but since they're more free to do and say what they want, it does happen a bit more frequently. They show love in other ways.

10 - Do they share any hobbies or interests? How do these things bring them together?

Their mutual desire to reshape the world and dislike of the human race lol. But in fairness to the question, they both like to draw, especially when they were the experiments and not the orderlies. They both like drawing what they see and what they hope to eventually see in their so-called perfect world. I have a headcanon that Emily keeps a sketchbook on her, even when she's poking around the high school in the Overworld. It's full of landscapes, portraits of Henry (partially so she remembers his human face), the occasional erratic Mind Flayer doodle, and the drawing of the Creel House she did as a child is taped to the inside back cover.

They also both have an appreciation for nature, both in the Overworld and in the Upside-Down. You cannot convince me otherwise that they don't play games with Demodogs and Emily hasn't given every single one of her bats names.

11 - How do they feel about nicknames/pet names?

This is an interesting question because I've thought extensively about this. When I was originally conceptualizing their dynamic, I just could not for the life of me figure out what pet names they would hypothetically use. Henry just didn't seem like a guy who would use terms of endearment like that (or in general, Henry using pet names just doesn't seem right to me)... and that's when I realized their names are the terms of endearment. They've both had their names stripped away and replaced by numbers, taking away their humanity. That first step of trust between them was sharing their real names and covertly using them when Brenner wasn't around. Their names are very important to them, so calling each other something other than their names feels wrong... so yes and no?

20 - How do they comfort each other when one of them is upset? Is this method of comfort effective?

The surefire way to get Emily to calm down/relax/chill the fuck out is to play with her hair. This is one of the few traits of hers I passed on from myself. Maybe it's a reflex from having it shaved at one point, but many a time, Henry has just finger combed her hair or scratched her scalp to get her to calm down after god knows what kind of shit happened. Henry probably learned to braid hair so he can just braid and unbraid her hair when needed... maybe he learned it from Alice?

Henry's not one who usually needs the comforting since he... I don't want to say let's things slide off his back, but it's more like he simmers until the pressure cooker just explodes (ex. The incident of September 8th). But if I had to take a guess, I could see Emily just performing some kind of physical contact, usually a hug, hand squeeze, or small kiss to just ground Henry back to reality. They're both very touch starved and Brenner's rules don't help at all, so they have to get that shit in where they can.

26 - What sacrifices do they make for the other?

Alexa, play 'If You Love Me, Let Me Go' (or whatever the song's title is).

No, but in all seriousness, I feel like they both have had to sacrifice many things for both each other and for the advancement of their goals. Emily in theory has a shot at living a somewhat okay life with the 'friends' she's made (Eddie doesn't need sarcastic quotes, they're real friends despite what Emily herself may think or not) on the Overworld since she can get up there, yet she chooses not to, prefering to spend more time in the Upside Down with Henry since for multiple reasons, he can't leave.

I don't want to say Henry's the more dependent one of the two (he is), but it's hard to pick out any one thing Henry's truly sacrificed for Emily other than the previously alluded to "letting her go" thing compared to what she's given up for him. In reality they both mutually gave up a lot of things for their goals like their humanities (nameless numbers aside).

32 - Do either of them drink? Who's the lightweight/who's the caretaker?

Canonically it's been stated multiple times that Emily doesn't drink or do drugs (she berates Eddie for it constantly) because a scrambled mind means she's disconnected from her abilities, something she especially hates after Brenner's Soteria implants. Henry's probably the same way.

But for shits and giggles, let's do a hypothetical. Henry's a much lighter weight than Emily would be. I could understand how someone could see him as an angry drunk, but I think Henry just blubbers and essentially behaves like a sad, wet cat. Emily can and would drag him home and let him cling to her while he lets it all out. I think Emily would be the more aggressive drunk. I can see Emily getting into a bar fight and Henry (or Eddie since he was probably the one to drag her there) having to pull her away and then be forced to deal with arguably something worse than a drunk Emily: a hungover one.

40 - Do they have any regrets in their relationship?

As far as getting and staying together, no. They'd have lost their minds without having each other to rely on. But I think on occasion Henry regrets not warning Emily about what really went on in the lab when Brenner was persuading her to stay. They wouldn't have bonded or even formally met if so and who knows where else little orphan Emily would have ended up otherwise.

And I think once or twice they moreso regret not being able to have the relationship they really wanted, away from the lab and allowed to grow naturally. They're both steadfast in their hatred of the human system, but I'm positive they've both at least entertained the fantasy of having met as kids at school, falling in love in the real world in the 'proper' way, and then living in the Creel House as a real family unit after they had Eleven/Jane/Elaine the way they should have. It's the "In another life, I would have liked doing taxes and laundry with you" trope, just an incredibly angsty variant of it because even if they had that chance in circumstance (aka no lab to imprison them in), their views on the human system would prevent that almost entirely.

46 - Do they consider the relationship casual or serious? Is the answer different depending on who you ask? Why?

There's no question that they see this very seriously; it's all they have really. There isn't anything casual or normal about the kind of bond they have with each other. As I said, I think Henry's more dependent on Emily than the other way around, but they're both extremely attached to each other. Their relationship is the most important thing to them at the end of the day, even more than their goals because their plans may fail, but they will still have each other...

---

And on that admittedly ironic note let's move on to...

Emily and Caius

(I just made this one a couple hours ago lmao)

5 - Do they argue often? If so, what do they argue about?

Honestly? I don't see them arguing much since more often than not they're virtually on the same page. Maybe it's not so much arguments as it is "one of them is being stubborn and the other has to get them to do what they're supposed to." Emily's usually this hypothetical 'stubborn' one, though, because she's still the same Emily who likes to rebel against the system (even if now she's part of the people creating it) and tries to get out of her, quote, "stupid duties." She's a... we'll call it a free spirit. Nine times out of ten this means Caius has to bribe her in some way to handle her responsibilities, not that he minds that, I don't think.

7 - How often do they say 'I love you?'

The cool thing is they can say it in many different languages to keep it interesting. I would say often, but not to the point that it could be considered annoying to others. They don't do that cheesy "I love you" "I love you more" "I love you most" bullshit (unless they're actively trying to be annoying because someone's being an asshole about boundaries... Aro). But they say it enough and can show it via other means without verbalizing it.

Caius says it out loud more often though because Emily's lacked affection aside from Henry for her entire life. That touch-starved insecurity about being able to receive proper love is just part of who she is. She's frozen in time with that insecurity and Caius makes it a point to pick up that slack to remind her that she can and is loved.

10 - Do they share any hobbies or interests? How do these things bring them together?

🔥Arson🔥

In all seriousness, though, once again art is a connective tissue. I don't know how this headcanon started or got so widespread, but people say Caius is a painter (and I'm obsessed with this idea) and Emily still draws. They teach each other their prefered mediums, so Caius has helped Emily learn to paint while she introduces him to the benefits of having a simple sketchbook and pencils for capturing moments.

I think there's also that shared love of learning and sharing stories since Emily's been locked out of the world at large for most of her life save for the books she read when hiding in the library when she was homeless. I headcanon Caius as a history buff (especially when it comes to wars and general combat because we all agree the dude's a warrior, full send) and Emily just likes hearing all these accounts and events since there's just so much she doesn't know about the world. "I wanna know about the strangers like me." That, and she likes hearing the myths, legends, and stories that come with that.

I like to think that a popular story that Caius grew up on, then passed on to Emily to become her favorite tale is the story the original God of War games told (since I fuckin love that franchise so let me have my easter eggs). She never gets tired of hearing about Kratos' journey.

11 - How do they feel about nicknames/pet names?

Emily's general philosophy on pet names stays largely consistent. She doesn't really call Caius any cute names very often, maybe in front of other people to put up a more sickly sweet front once in a while. She moreso uses terms of endearment in a mocking/sarcastic way (there's a perfect example that comes much later on in Necrosis, but for spoilers' sake I'll keep that to myself. Emily uses nicknames sometimes, occasionally calling Sulpicia simply "Picia" and she refers to Athenodora as "Thena" since Caius called her that or Dora since her name is a bit of a mouthful.

Speaking of, on the other side of it, Caius' favorite pet name for Emily is Agapé, or one of the Greek words for love. Sometimes he calls her 'love' or 'my love' in English and some other languages. Once in a while he'll call her a queen in various languages (since technically she is). I think it's just another way Caius hammers home his affection for her, a la what I said for bullet point 7. Though, sometimes Caius calls her by her name when he needs her attention for something important or serious (like to snap her out of a frenzy for example). It's like a softer version of the dreaded "Middle Name" when you're in trouble.

20 - How do they comfort each other when one of them is upset? Is this method of comfort effective?

Again, the go-to for calming Emily down is her hair. But since her traits are exemplified because of her transformation, full physical contact is also a viable option. Sort of like what I said for Henry, a hug or kiss will work magic. I hesitate to say cuddles because that's too soft a term for these two, but that will also work. I think it's because Emily was a bit touch starved as a human, and that only got magnified.

Caius has a very... notorious temper. The smallest things can set him off on a bad day. Usually Emily just lets it happen because a) it's never directed at her and b) she has a superiority complex over those that temper is being directed at. But sometimes she knows Caius' hissy fits help nobody and all she has to do is just grab and hold his hand. Maybe it's not so much of a "calming" move as it is a "keep it in check" move, but in essence it's the same thing.

Again, for spoilers' sake I'll keep the details to myself but there is a point in Necrosis where Caius get a slightly different kind of upset. In that case, Emily knows giving him space is the best way to start before she gets him the "cuddles but we're not calling them cuddles because we're not cute, we're angsty chaos vampires."

26 - What sacrifices do they make for the other?

I mean... Emily sacrifices her life in more ways than one. She's literally an undead creature now, but further than that, she gave up the life she'd known for like, 25 years, the first person to show her love and the first friend she'd ever had. She willingly goes against her dislike of the institution of marriage for Caius and the life and family he provides.

Emily's my character, I'm allowed to make fun of the decisions she makes at my behest.

In some ways, Caius only made gains when he got with Emily since he got a woman that really understands and enjoys being around him rather than just eternally moping (like some people...) and raging after Thena died. But bringing Emily on board means that there's eventually a lost of stability, something Caius and the rest of the Volturi value. Again, I'm being vague for secrecy's sake, but Emily makes waves and it's gonna hurt when they crash ashore. I don't know if you would count that as a sacrifice rather than the probably more accurate term, a consequence, but it's not in Emily's nature to let things stay smooth all the time and things can and will get ugly.

Not for them and their relationship, mind you.

32 - Do either of them drink? Who's the lightweight/who's the caretaker?

Unfortunately, as you inquired, alcohol doesn't affect vampires. In fact they can't really drink it cause they'd have to cough it up since they can't digest anything that's not blood. Emily still hates the idea of drinking regardless.

But again, for shits and giggles, let's have fun.

Emily's still probably an aggressive drunk, but I feel like since she's more open now, she can also be a bit of a flirty drunk if her mood was right. She's (somewhat) less of an angry person compared to when she's a human in Hawkins. I don't know how super clear I've been on this, but Emily's a horribly repressed bisexual disaster, so despite the fact that she's married to Caius, when drunk I feel like she'd lose her inhibitions and will probably make a pass at Heidi especially or Chelsea (maybe Sulpicia if she's out of it enough). Either way, it's kind of amusing for Caius to watch, but eventually he gets her attention and cuts her off to get her back to their room, even if she's complaining the whole way or getting really handsy with him.

I don't see Emily as a light weight exactly, but compared to Caius she seems like it. The man would be able to hold his alcohol and extremely well at that. He drank Greek wines as a human most definetly, probably on the regular, so he'd have a high tolerance from that alone. To me, Caius reads more like a guy who would do small glasses of whiskey by the fire with Emily curled at his side (as opposed to others in the coven I could name who get absolutely sloshed constantly having downed many bottles of god knows what). But if Caius were to get drunk, similar to Emily I could see him getting more aggressive since he's just Like That in General, mostly just hurling swears and insults unrestricted or throwing something across the room until Emily just gently gets him back to their room till he sobers up.

...honestly I don't think it's wise for any of the Volturi to get drunk because I don't see it ending well in any way.

40 - Do they have any regrets in their relationship?

Caius, no, not in a million years. He's very happy with Emily and considers himself incredibly lucky she came into his life. I feel like he understands how important Henry was to Emily, but only to a point since it seems like she's thriving with him and his wacky family/coven, faring so much better than when she was with Henry. Is it selfish and egotistical of him, absolutely. But he'd never ever go as far to suggest Emily's better with him across the board or that she shouldn't have been with Henry at all because that's just not true.

Emily was frozen in time when she was still in love with Henry. She already left him before she was turned, sure, but that love didn't go away the second she did that, and it wouldn't have for a long time. So for as long as she will live (probably several thousand years), a part of her heart will always be his and his alone. As a result, sometimes she misses him, sometimes a lot. Sometimes she even questions why she left him, wonders if he found his own happiness after the fact, worries if her leaving him led to him dying, oh god, don't let that be the case...

Emily tries to not go down that train of thought because then she's asking questions she doesn't want, have, or need the answers to. So, I would say once in a great while she gets in her head about if she made the right decision/regretting her choice, but she can't help it.

46 - Do they consider the relationship casual or serious? Is the answer different depending on who you ask? Why?

Serious. Very serious. Again, I have to reiterate Emily doesn't like the institution of marriage and yet she agreed to fully commit and marry Caius. That, and I sure hope it's serious since casual relationships don't come with the kind of influence and power Emily gets... although I will say it went from Casual to Serious extremely quickly.

Revenge Sex to Marriage Speedrunning Challenge.

[bar-les-coucougnes]

So how's figuring the game out coming along? Any progress on theories? And bonus, how do you think this will end?

well to start with, the more it goes on, the less i understand, so that's the gist of it 👍

jokes aside, spoilers ahead, probably (i'm half convinced i'm just making shit up so im not sure those spoilers are all accurate, lol):

so i know some of it was told and some of it is kind of implied so i'm just going to go through my understanding of the events:

kinzo was in love with a 1st beatrice, who killed herself. then he "made" (using a surrogate mother, maybe? or, idk, he does employ orphans so maybe he could take one from the orphanage and tell them they're beatrice now) another one, 2nd beatrice, who grew up sheltered and wearing "beatrice"'s clothes from the portrait, who rosa met and helped run away, and died on the cliff because well, those are not practical clothes.

it COULD be that the 1st and 2nd one are actually one and the same, and that along the way someone retelling the event (rosa in one case, and i think beato in the other?), was mistaken about some stuff, since you could imagine that the line between "fell of a cliff while running away" and "killed myself to escape that creep" is a bit blurry.

then there's a 3rd beatrice who should be the same age as battler, and who battler, in some way "commited a sin against". i'm going to assume the whole "you didn't have anything to do with beatrice" red truth is because this beatrice was not called beatrice back then. as for the age, since the last beatrice died 19yrs ago, there's no reason to believe kinzo would've "made" a new one until after the death so she might be under 19? if the "making" of beatrice consists of taking small orphans and brainwashing them, i guess he could do that to toddlers and still getting away with it but after 5 or 6 years old, that might be complicated.

going slightly off topic here but when it was explained that he raised beatrice since she was a child, as a father or grandfather, in the hopes that when she grows up, she returns his affections or something? i think that's called grooming

back to 3rd beato and battler, i'm going to guess that battler somehow encountered her when he was like 12, saw her looking all pitiful and stuff and was like "don't worry, just hang tight and i'll come back and save you!" and then promptly fucked off for the next 6 years (classic move). which would explain why she's really mad at him and why he's acting like that when he remembers (though, so far, he hasn't said anything about what he remembers). i'll admit this part is partially because i saw some posts about "something something white horse" (coming to save her on his white horse? they did mention he has some pretty cringy lines as a kid) which is why i can guess that's his promise and that they're about the same age.

as for why he forgot, trauma? plot-convenient amnesia? someone caught up on what he was doing (i can imagine beatrice was somewhere battler wasn't supposed to go) and gave him the beating of his life and he forgot everything in the aftermath? or remembered it as a dream and forgot? actually that does remind me beatrice mentions that after she appears to people, they tend to forget about meeting her (which is why she burned/marked kanon and was it shannon too? so that they could remember the next day that they really did meet her)

also i'm going to be honest, while scrolling past memes and posts about umineko, i did notice that people call beatrice sayo (and this is where it's going to be embarrassing if i'm mistaken and it's just a name that looks like "sayo" and i remembered wrong lol) which is, incidentally, what shannon says is her real name. honestly that doesn't help me much because i'm not sure how that would fit in, exactly. maybe shannon is the 3rd beatrice? maybe she's the 4th beatrice actually and the 3rd one died and that's the real reason why beatrice said nothing happened between battler and beatrice? my head hurts

baby off the cliff: honestly, considering how kinzo moaned about "beatrice! beatrice!" after the servant and baby were pushed off the cliff, i wonder if the baby was going to be beatrice and he was like "fuck, now i have to make a new one"? (maybe that was his way of having beatrice grow up as successor?) i mean yeah the story says the baby is now a "man" but i'm aware that there are trans characters so someone could assume the baby was a boy and then 19 years later, surprise! this is now a beatrice. then again, the opening sequence has a young man with red hair so maybe that guy is the baby from back then. or maybe the baby just died and lambda was fucking around.

rationalizing the witches and demons:

at least for renove and virgilia: one is basically genji (even says at one point that genji's basically his vessel) and the other kumasawa. you could think that, with a bit of imagination, they could turn into "one hell of a butler" demon and "fairy godmother", basically. gaap is how you rationalize misplacing your stuff all the time (hello shannon).

probably missing a lot of stuff but i'd be here until 4am

oh yeah, how do i think it will end? everybody dies and the ghosts move on. i kind of want a happy ending but i'm not sure that's realistic. so i'd rather expect a sad ending and be pleasantly surprised if it's a happy ending :)

[elfdragon12]

There was a post I remember from a while ago, and to paraphrase part of it:

“The reason most redemption arcs fall flat is that people aren’t writing redemption arcs, they’re writing characters they want to be forgiven.” And I think that hits a lot of nails on a lot of heads. In terms of both the other characters and the audience. Focusing more on how to make a character someone who must be liked rather than the story they’re supposedly trying to tell. Or why the redemption is there in the first place.

The sad part is the “reason” for Megatron is pretty obvious. He’s popular and Hasbro likes money. Same reason he likely became more sympathetic in the first place. I’m honestly kind of curious how that worked out for them. There are clearly plenty of people who ate it up, but also plenty who enjoy Megatron because he’s a Big Metal Bastard. And likely a lot who enjoy both.

That said I also think it’s telling that “redemption arcs” tend to only happen to villains who are viewed as “deserving” it. More sympathetic backstories, more tragic reasons, etc. Whether real or imagined. Despite the fact it theoretically could happen to anyone. I think part of this is the trend of looking at characters as people, which is fun for fandom stuff and connecting to the material, rather than narrative tools, which is helpful for actual critique or writing.

In a more general sense when you can figure out which character is the writer’s favourite the quality of things… tends to go down. Which isn’t entirely relevant to the discussion but I’ve personally noticed it happening more with villains.

Yes, I agree with this.

Megatron redemption arcs do not work for me because of this. It's like prozd's Vegetalo sketches. Sure, Megatron did terrible things in past, but look! He writes poetry and helps Minimus set up holiday decorations/has a human friend now! Clearly, if anyone who hasn't let go of his (extremely recent) atrocities, they're the bad guy!

Also the question of which antagonists are more "deserving" of redemption arcs are a big part of why I didn't want anything to do with the Krakoa arc in the X-Men comics. Watching Hellfire Club members and MR. SINISTER sentence Sabretooth is extremely frustrating!

A big part of this, at least in these franchises, is that there are a lot of fanboys becoming writers now, though it's sometimes longtime writers who develop an ego. (coughFurmancough) It's really obvious in Marvel and DC with Batman and Wolverine. It's a big toss up on how well this turns out. Interestingly, Beast Wars is the best written Transformers show (my sister will argue for Rescue Bots) and, although Bob Forward and Larry DiTillio became more interested as time went on, neither were Transformers fans when the series started.

As a villain liker myself, I do think favoritism is very relevant because of villain apologists. However, good writers can have favorites and still be objective. You can tell that Dinobot is Bob Forward's favorite, but I would argue that Forward's favoritism doesn't get in the way of the overall story. Rattrap criticizes him freely, Dinobot is still wrong when he's wrong, and his flaws aren't hidden or glossed over. Larry DiTillio's favorite was Tarantulas and that didn't keep Tarantulas from getting what he deserved nor was he overpowered.

I like antagonists who are pure villains. However, I'm not against redemption arcs. They just have to be actual redemption arcs and not just the writer trying to make it "okay" to root for them now.

[maxbegone]

.

weird day. sad, mostly, worked but felt like I wanted to cry the entire time. doesn't help that I kept feeling this itch to be self-destructive and take the piss out on someone just because I was feeling a certain way. honestly, i think part of it is the fact that I'm slowly, slowly planning on getting closure from my mother, and I think it's haunting me a little bit despite me knowing this is necessary to do, nearly a decade later. not to mention, I'd completely go off on her if I wasn't trying to be composed. I'll let her say her piece when the time comes, but believe me when I say I will not let her off any sort of "hook." forgiveness is not something she is going to get from me. not after everything she's put me and my dad through.

and then, inversely, there's this whole...feeling doomed to fail thing going on in my head, and feeling inadequate as if I'm this outsider or sort of bystander in my own life, feeling as if my future is just...not a thing that will happen. I feel lost, I feel like no one in my family (mainly) has any faith that I'll be ok or successful. I feel like I should've been given a road to some sort of opportunity by this point, but I fucked it all up by leaving the first college I went to, spending way too long at a job that did nothing but drain me of all creativity and essence, made me angrier, then took my time with community college (not a bad thing), but didn't act on opportunities that allowed me to move forward with my education. I should be working toward my bachelors right now, but instead I'm working a part-time retail job that, strangely, miraculously, I love because I'm shown I'm valued and my team is great and kind. I work for a brand I really like and probably have a shot at something within another part of the company now that I've been there a year, I just need to accept the fact that I am not a burden and can ask for guidance and help on the matter. I also do not have a degree of any kind to back me up in this aspect, but in a way, maybe I have a leg up?

but, I want to write. I want to publish something one day and touch people and be raw. it doesn't help that I have had zero creative drive for the better part of a year and a half now, that all of my projects sit unfinished or as bare-bones husks of ideas. I know I should give myself some credit; I've dealt with a lot of shit over the past three years, namely my dad dying, and I am still completely ruined by it in such a way that I feel so lost and as if everyone else has moved on. I know he wouldn't want me to sit here and worry about him, or mourn him too much, but...it's hard not to. he was my dad.

it also doesn't help that pleasure is just...not a thing for me right now, and hasn't been for who knows how long. I tend to deprive myself of it; I tell myself that I shouldn't do this, or shouldn't do that because I should be working or being responsible in some other way, or that I don't deserve to do anything fun because I haven't earned it. I don't know how to explain it — it's something I'm actively working on in therapy. that, and this feeling that I'm not being my whole and true self, that I'm lying to myself about some part of me that I can't even pin.

I feel like I can barely string two consecutive thoughts together on paper, let alone in conversation nowadays. and it's rough, it sucks.

I haven't been a good friend. I've been exhausted by nearly everything, I can't muster up the topic of a conversation, not the energy particularly, because I'm actively craving that communication. I just, again, feel like this outsider. I try, I do, but I'm either talking in circles or spending too much time trying to figure out what to say that I just give up on starting a conversation entirely. I crave the conversation, the rapport, and I reach for it, but, sometimes, I don't think anything is reaching back.

I think I'm inching toward this point in therapy — if this can even be considered it — where I want to do this deep dive into myself and see what I'm not letting myself uncover. does that involve deep meditation of some kind? hypnotherapy? reiki? fucking 'shrooms? I'm being repetitive here, but I'm craving something, and I don't quite know how to explain it...

dull. it's all dull. and I'm tired of that now.

[foggyparadisecandy]

Foggy 2.0

Just a recap of the good things that have happened in the last two+ months since my partner split.

It's been a lot tbh ...

I've reconnected with RL friends that I have not seen since pre-COVID. I forgot how fun some of these idiots are. lol

I've made a crapton of new friends online. I love hearing people's stories and ... ngl ... damages. I feel comfort in other people's pains and struggles. It makes me understand that we all have challenges. Life goes on.

I've met a very special, interesting woman who is combination supportive and challenging - calling out my bullshit one moment and encouraging my insanity the next. Who could ask for anything better from a friend?

I lost ten pounds ... somewhat unhealthily at first because I wasn't eating ... but it's all good. I wanted to get a bit thinner so ... yeah! I'm happy about this for the most part.

I have recharged my work life for the first time in a decade. Still got some ways to go but I've set a huge goal for next year and my goal is to knock it out of the park. I want to make a shit ton of money to create some sort of trauma relief or self-help resources for hurting people. Possibly military specific resources. Not sure yet. I have time to figure it out.

I'm sorting through parental damages that have plagued me my entire life. IDK if this will ever get sorted - it's been in me for a long time but I'm going to do my best to process it in a healthy way so I can minimize the damages and recognize the symptoms of unhealthy behaviors. I've been pretty low on myself my entire life lol ... "low" is an understatement. haha. Either way ... working on it now!

I'm exercising a good amount. It's kind of boring but also ... I find it to be meditative when I get in the zone. Plus I'm seeing muscles that I haven't seen for a looooong time. lol. I'm not vain but it does help with my self-confidence to feel in a decent shape.

My home life isn't better necessarily but there is a lot more transparency and open-ness. Honestly this hasn't been on my top 10 things I've even given a shit about working on for a long time. Still isn't. There is more to life than mere existence, dear readers. It's ok to want more and be honest with yourself and your partner(s).

I've been more open with people about my pain and depression. I've made some strong connections with people who have taken my authenticity as an opportunity to express their own challenges. I think mental health is a dirty dangerous secret and I'm ok with putting it out there and giving people the courage to do the same.

I've gotten to know a lot more about myself through reading and talking with a lot of those damaged folks I've met online and in RL. lol. I am learning new things all the time - really stretching myself to grow and evolve. Hard fucking work and I have a long way to go but ... I really am enjoying it.

I feel ... stronger in all ways. More capable. More clear-headed. I have desires like I haven't for a very long time. Desires to achieve more with my life. Do more. Help more people. Make a difference.

I feel better about myself and who I am. No matter what struggles I have with self-image, it's been ... heart-warming ... to hear people tell me about kindnesses small and large that I've done for them over the years in an effort to remind me of who I am. It's ... IDK ... I guess karma is a real thing. I'm a pretty kind and nice person and I've put out a lot of love to people in need. I didn't do it for gain, but it sure is nice to hear people paying it back and giving me ego boosts here and there.

I love and I forgive. I am working on setting boundaries - I don't understand them. I know that. But also I'm talking with my therapist about figuring out a balance here. If I choose to love you, I'm going all in and loving you hard. I'm ok with being kind and supportive. I'm ok with forgiving those I love. I feel they deserve it and I think too many people haven't had enough love or forgiveness in their lives. I don't see my approach as weakness. It's strength.

I was blessed by being part of my former partner's life for as long as she allowed it. It was fucking amazing. She was so open and lovely about everything. Open to trying things. She taught me so much about myself and life. It's funny ... she always had the control ... I knew that and ... as much as it hurt me the way she exercised it (she could have done it differently fr but I forgive 100%) ... I hope she understands it and it gives her comfort - she has power and control even in the submissive role in a relationship. Good thing to keep in mind.

I was blessed that my partner was so brave and strong and showed me how someone with such a tough start to life could perservere and rise to the occasion. It inspired me tbh. It's one of the primary things that made me fall for her. Yeah ... she's got some work to do ... who doesn't? But she's got the core characteristics to succeed in life. She'll go far. I believe in her.

I was extremely fortunate that she reached out and helped ease so many of my fears over her well-being. I honestly can't thank her enough. I feel a million times better. My worry for her was crushing me. My worry that I had hurt her. My worry that she would be killed. So many small worries that she put to rest. I know how hard that was for her to do. She confirmed my belief in her character - even if she probably still doesn't see what I see. I have faith that if she keeps going, she'll get there. I believe in her. Yeah ... I repeated that. My blog so ... suck it.

I 100% Achievements on Binding of Isaac. There were 99 Achievements - I'm taking this as a win! I had started playing this right before the split and I couldn't find the motivation to start a new game so this was a good one to be immersed in ... 400+ hours to distract myself from stuff. Good times.

There's dozens of other small things, here and there.

I won't go so far as expressing gratitude for the break-up but I feel that it's woken me up to more possibilities in my life and ... yeah ... fuck it ... I guess there is some gratitude in there after all.

I'm ok with that.

[rabbitindisguise]

for the record, I also had this problem (am bipolar) and stalled out on hobbies for years. It took a looot of work to realize a lot of personal specific things about my situation (I was punishing myself because I couldn't do other things by not letting myself do the things I could do, even if they were tedious), and I didn't believe that people who had succeeded had ever failed. Those might just be me things! But I'm guessing that maybe (advice, because @deepstatemedia you mentioned wanting some in the post, under the cut):

you've got a hangup on hobbies, because it sounds like it's not a small irreverent thing that isn't bothering you but that- for some reason- being able to have hobbies means something to you about the kind of person you are or other similarly important thing (that's rough, and I totally empathize if that's the case)

you're taking failures really personally and think that perhaps that there is something cosmically wrong with you that doing a hobby is like some sort of Sisyphean task you'll never manage- as I've learned recently, people fuck up, it's just hard to realize it until you move past the fuck up (and it sounds like you've yet to have that sort of success in your life, or are unable to appreciate it). I watched a crochet video where a happy successful woman with a career in crochet confessed to needing to take a break to have a little frustrated cry because it was difficult to understand and she wasn't sure if she could do it, and it blew my mind. I hope you have that kind of lucky moment of realization!

you're making hobbies about you and not, for example, who you do them with. I notice a distinct lack of mentioning the person you were considering taking online classes to help with a thing for while discussing the Problem, so consider that maybe hobbies can be more for the people we do them with to enjoy time together more than a tool to prove yourself to yourself

honestly a big factor into doing hobbies again was the feeling that I was suddenly not responsible for anything anymore, but I still missed the feeling of doing stuff for the fun of it. Since then, I've made more progress in all (*counts*) 7 hobbies I've been doing over the last several months because I was focusing on what made me happy, and doing stuff I enjoyed doing shittily. It sounds to me like you're not willing to do the worst job at these things and have fun. It sounds like fun hasn't been on the table at all. If it's not fun, it's hard to do. And for some people, the grind is worth the payoff. Still, it might be worth trying a free photo editor, a music phone app, or even just making some noises without doing anything with results and not saving files. These exercises helped me figure out what it was like to just be and do hobbies, after years and years fucking off and not doing stuff I, in theory, wanted to be doing. Now hobbies are a source of comfort and familiarity. And I'm still shit at them, but that doesn't matter. When you're so behind on Living Life it's incredible to even try to start, and starting in comparatively a small hurdle compared to throwing yourself at the same wall over and over again like you have.

So: kudos. It was really brave, and I seriously mean that. But if you're looking for permission to rest, you have it. Taking a break is a totally sensible position, in case berating yourself over not doing it is part of the problem. You might end up suddenly realizing you've been doing your hobby for a week without realizing, all because you don't have to do anything. And then, like magic, you don't stop because it's harder to stop than it is to start in the first place. (Though there's always advice for burnout, for when you get good at your hobbies that you have fun doing with no pressure to do them but you're just So Damn Tired, so even if that does happen it's not the end of the world.)

“I don’t have the time to practice seriously so I might as well not practice at all because my progress will be so slow” is a giant crock of shit. Do the thing you’re interested in, do it a tiny bit at a time.

Someday you’re going to be fifty. Someday you’re going to be eighty, maybe. And it’s good to learn brand new skills for the first time as an older adult but if the thing you have the most practice at is saying “I might as well not start because it’s going to take too long to get good” then that’s what you’re going to be good at: not starting things.

If you’re thinking “oh, god, it’ll take me MONTHS to even have a baseline competence at this, I might as well give up at the start” you are looking at your whole life as a bullshit timeline that you have no scale for.

Someday you’re going to be fifty. Someday you’re going to be eighty, maybe. If it takes you ten years to get good at something and you’re in your twenties that seems like an ENORMOUS investment - that’s almost half your life! But if you’re fifty that’s twenty percent of your life. You’ve had the time to get great at and abandon five things that take ten years.

DO THINGS. PLEASE.

I promise, it’s good for you. It’ll make you feel better.

Don’t do it for a job, don’t do it to sell, don’t do it to impress people, do things because you are a very intelligent ape who needs enrichment and your brain is desperately hucking pumpkins into your enclosure to keep you from flinging shit at the walls.

[yeleltaan]

chamomile :   what is your muse likely to take away from a painful experience ?   are they one to be haunted by adversity ,   or to use what they’ve gone through to become stronger ?  

BOTANICAL HEADCANONS | not accepting

Truth be told? Not much. Cayin is very much wired to behave according to what he was made for, and a bad experience is unlikely to make a big impact in how he spends his time or how he approaches his duties. In some ways he almost feels a bit robotic, and there’s a noticeable contrast between some of the characters he interacts with, who go through various experiences in their lives that shape their perspective of the world and cause important shifts in their behavior, and himself, who comparatively experiences little change since he became aware of his nature and role (though his unspoken thoughts are a bit more open to change than his actual demeanor).

Though certainly capable of feeling physical pain, that’s not something that provokes Cayin any trauma. He views himself as an instrument and he’s not afraid of what might become of him. Emotional pain is more likely to affect him, but he hasn’t really developed a relationship of any kind that’s deep enough to potentially create enough suffering to override the way he carries himself in life. Could it possibly happen in the future? Maybe, he has met individuals that could end up meaning a lot to him, enough to have that powerful impact should he lose them somehow, but even then it’s hard to say if that could ever be strong enough to interfere with his following of Yig’s orders.

The only other painful experience that could result in a huge change for Cayin is if something were to happen to Yig. It’s unlikely for Great Old One to be affected in such a significant scale, at least that’s the impression we get from some of Lovecraft’s works. But Cayin believes it to be possible. He’s aware of the Outer Gods, and by extension he realizes that there’s things out there that make even the Great Old Ones seem small in comparison, just as these seem unfathomably immense to us. They are not “perfect” beings or untouchable, though that’s the impression we get. Many of them are at least partially subjected to the laws of time and space as we know them. They have moods, needs and impulses. If Yig were to die, disappear or be greatly weakened it would turn Cayin’s world upside down. But oddly enough, he doesn’t fear this outcome either, he finds it pointless to dedicate much time feeling anxious for something so unlikely and far off.

Bloodborne interactions get a special mention here, because everything surrounding Yharnam is a list of things that are not supposed to be possible. Humans being able to hurt the schemes of Great Ones and even harm them beyond mere physical avatars. Great/Old Ones allowing them to perform experiments that are, at least how Cayin views it, a bastardization of “ascension” that should normally be fully under the cosmic being’s control. The absolute chaos provoked by the misuse of the Old Blood, which is again an unnatural twist on what would normally become of someone under eldritch influence. And that these cosmic beings seem to haggle with humans in order to gain a surrogate child, in ways that make them vulnerable and lessens the gap that there’s supposed to be between them. Witnessing this deep in hostile territory while feeling the dream interfere with his connection to Yig, and having to rely on his human limits much more as otherwise he risks being detected is... a very strong and thought-provoking experience for Cayin. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that it’s traumatic, but if there’s any situation where Cayin can truly feel vulnerable enough to be hurt remarkably, it’s this one.

And naturally, these rare circumstances also allow for the development of bonds that are out of the ordinary for him, so that’s worth pointing out too.

So overall, no, he’s not really haunted by adversity- there may eventually be exceptions to this, but for the most part it’s endured as “just another day in the office”. He seldom grows and thus doesn’t become much stronger. That being said, it’s possible that the initial stage in his life where he had recently become conscious but was completely unaware of Yig might have made him much harder to impress once he became an active agent of his master.

And truth be told: it’s hard to say to what extent this applies to his current and future interactions. Most of them happen to be “unusual” in some way or another so you might see things play out differently from what this headcanon implies.

[stray-dogrose]

I'm here rereading and thinking about the last chapter again so I'll throw here something I've noticed. I apologize in advance for my bad english and my poor skills in analyzing and exposing things.

Spoilers from chapter 101 ahead.

So let's start with the first panel, in which Chūya seems to be very tired: he's sweating and panting, as if he's reaching a limit. His eyes are whiter than the last time we saw him in chapter 98, there are fewer "wrinkles" under his eyes and even his fangs are significantly shorter. I think Harukawa-sensei drew a similar pose in both panels to allow us to notice these differences.

For the next bunch of panels we can only see Chūya's figure but he's faceless, so we can't get his expression.

Here we have the detail that rang an alarm bell in my poor and fucked up head.

"He's got the circuit already..."

I checked multiple translations plus the original japanese text in order to confirm that Fyodor was already aware of Dazai's plan from the start, he knew he would tamper with the circuit. And he gets scared, but just for a moment, 'cause his expression immediately changes in a more serious and concentrated one, as if he still has everything under control, as if he were waiting for it.

Even when Chūya starts to brutally punch the wall, Fyodor's eyes are clear and focused like we've never seen them before.

Then we have a close-up of Chūya's face again, where we can only see his still vampirized eyes but not his mouth, and again it's hard for us to tell exactly what kind of face he's "wearing".

In my opinion these two panels are just meant to be a glimpse of what Fyodor's seeing, they serve to draw attention to Chūya and his current state.

In fact, I think Fyodor's not looking at the wall to see if it will break. He's looking right at Chūya, he's evaluating his state. I mean look at his frowned expression: it's almost like he's calculating, maybe he's already planning an alternative escape route.

And only after having established that Chūya is still a vampire he says "this is bad". This can be referred to the fact that Dazai acted earlier than he had predicted and that Chūya is still a vampire. It's bad because it'll take a little more time for Chūya to regain his human form, and Fyodor clearly needs it to happen as soon as possible, even if we still don't know why.

Than we have the most painful panel of the entire chapter (of the entire manga, honestly), where Chūya is drowning and it seems that his "humanisation" is now completed, so here it comes what Fyodor is expecting from him.

Well, but what is Fyodor expecting from him? What should we expect?

Chūya obviously represents a key part of his plan, but in what way? If you think about it he hasn't played a part yet. Why is he here? Is he meant to deceive Dazai? Or to use Corruption?

[As much as I love Soukoku, I highly doubt that Chūya's been turned into human form by Dazai's voice, it's too "Disney Princess style", don't you think? We all know that the princess here is Dazai, but we're talking about Chūya now, it'd be out of character.]

C'mon, do you really think this is the face of someone on the verge of death? He has some plan in mind, he still has one, whether it's Chūya, his own ability, an external help or god knows what. He's mad as hell and I'm a bit scared of him right now, I think he will finally start acting serious.

In conclusion: it would be interesting to know if the vampire infection has a duration and I hope we'll get to know more about it in the next chapter, but I wouldn't be surprised if Asagiri took us back to where Aya and Bram are and gave us an explanation of a possible duration of the effect of his ability, if that was really the case.

Idk guys, maybe I'm just rumbling and all of this is so obvious for all of you that I'll make a fool of myself, but I wanted to point it out.

[soulcheri]

"Fine." If he doesn't want her help anymore with Tatum, then so be it. He doesn't have to have it. At the same time, Brooke can't help but wonder how things had spun so far out of control? It was like any mention of grim and her doing it, turned him off from her completely. Which yeah, should've been a good thing. Because Brooke was dating Gage and seeing Tyler, who she truly loved, behind his back. She didn't need another guy... let alone someone like Dewey chasing after her too. Still, any form of rejection hurts.

"No," Brooke manages to choke out. "She hasn't done any grim with me." In fact, the grim started after their threesome. When her and Tatum were no longer friends. Considering Gage is the one who introduced her to it. But, she wasn't going to tell Dewey that. Not after he made it clear, he disapproved of it and he was on the hunt for its distributors. Gage has had enough charges pinned on him lately. He doesn't need to add the supply of narcotics to the list.

No--" she says again. Although this time, with a little more conviction. She's pleading with him not to push the matter or her for more answers. Especially ones, he probably wouldn't want. Though, Brooke isn't aware that Dewey and Dante are even friends or have more intricate history.

"I'm not going to end up like Sidney." Nevertheless, her eyes rake over Dewey's tattoo, her defiance morphing into sadness. She feels sorry for him and Tatum because she can guess how much Sidney probably means to both of them. "I'm sorry for your loss, though. I heard what happened." Sidney was at the wrong place at the wrong time. She had so much more life to live and it was tragic she never got to. Especially, considering how kind and tenderhearted she could be.

"I don't know him," Brooke explains, while the grip over her arm tightens. The pain radiating from her bruises cause her to hiss but, she doesn't let up. "Not personally, anyway. You don't have to worry about it though. My boyfriend took care of it. He's not going to bother me again." Hence, the bruises on Dante's face. But despite what Brooke is telling Dewey, if she honestly thought Dante would leave her alone - she wouldn't be so shaken up and triggered by his presence mere ten feet away. "I don't want to press charges. So don't ask me to. It's fine. I'll live." She's been the victim of many attacks on her life. Somehow, she always survives them even though, she's not sure why. There's times when she feels like she doesn't deserve to. Like, the world would be a better place without her in it.

"It's Dante," Brooke chirps after a long moment of silence. She didn't plan on throwing his name under the bus but, something inside of her was telling her to go with it. Maybe it would be the answer to all of their prayers. Brooke can help get rid of Dante for Tyler, while at the same time... Dewey gets someone to pin the grim on. "He's the one who sold me the grim." Lies. "The last time didn't go so well. And ever since, I've been trying to ween myself off it. He's scary. So, I get it now. Okay? You don't have to worry." With Dante's back still turned, Brooke reaches for her bag. Their food hadn't even arrived yet but Brooke couldn't stick around and risk Dante seeing her with Dewey. Maybe he'd think she was ratting him out to a cop. Which technically, she just did. "I have to go. Thanks for the food. Sorry I can't stay to finish it. But, if you want I'll venmo you for the costs." Tyler would kill her for leaving the Jade Wolf without a ride or calling him first to swing by and pick her back up but, she told herself there wasn't a whole lot of time. And, she figures he'll understand after she explains to him why she had to jet out of there so abruptly.

Dewey was starting to feel less guilty now for having sex with Brooke. If she was on Grim, then he doesn't want her hanging around his sister. She's already overcome so much since detangling herself from the web of Stu Macher. The drugs would be even more tempting now after the death of her best friend. The thought of Sidney causes Dewey's eyes to drop. After she passed away, he got a picture of her tombstone tattooed on the side of his neck. It was on the same side as Tyler's glyph. Which could have prompted Brooke's initial attraction towards him. The leather jacket, messy hair, and tattoos. He was another walking reminder of what she lost.

"Well, maybe you shouldn't be helping me with Tatum." That was their deal at the time, but Dewey couldn't trust her anymore. Not while she's hopped up on devil dust - which was another alias for Grim when it's been grinded down to powder and combined with Venom. It was more potent that way and thus a lot more dangerous. Dewey can't help wondering if she was on it the night she seduced him at his house. Would Tatum have been on it too?

"Has she done any Grim with you? I don't want you near her anymore. You can have the files but after this, we're done." Dewey's eyes harden as he watches her become restless. He can tell she was trying to find the courage to stand up and leave, but the moment she budged, the doors open. They both look up at Dante around the same time. Then just as quickly he catches her trying to cover up, what appears to be bruises, on her arm. Dewey's first thought is, is Dante her dealer? He can't get involved in Dante's Viper business but what would he be doing selling Grim?

"Do you know Dante?" he asks, keeping his voice low enough for their conversation to remain private. "Is he the one who did that to your arm?" Dewey wanted to lean across the table and remove her hand so he could see the bruise better but he didn't want to make any sudden movements that could catch the attention of Dante. The detective in Dewey couldn't help but notice the bruises on his face were the same shade as the ones on her arm. Like they were inflicted at the same time. But there was no way she would be able to bust his face up like that. Which brings him back to Gage. He was arrested for assault. The victim's name was never released but it was obvious now. "So, you, Gage, and Dante. That's what I'm sensing here. You're playing a very dangerous game, Brooke. If you're not careful you're going to end up like Sidney." He pulls the collar of his shirt down, exposing the tattoo to her.