#holy art thou | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

theangrypokemaniac · 1 year

Text

Part Two

Best enjoyed with a cup of tea and some biscuits.

What I've explained so far is merely the intellectual portion of my hatred.

I don't think it's too much to ask for something to make sense and respect the history and laws of its own universe.

I haven't even started talking about my emotional reaction, which is somehow even more volcanic.

Little T.A.P. had what's known euphemistically as 'the artistic temperament' (nutter) and as such, was the most hardline, take-no-prisoners Rocketshipping extremist you'd ever have the misfortune to meet.

Worse than everyone on Tumblr, combined.

If anyone reading this considers themselves an obsessive, then no, mate, you're not.

You ain't seen nothing compared to my psychotic prime.

Glorious, it was.

I, but a simple, unassuming child, had a clear vision in life:

I will kill anyone who comes between you.

And I wasn't one o' these wishy-washy 'Oh there's nothing there now but it has potential' dishcloths, I was the Real Deal.

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! IT IS UNSPEAKABLY BEAUTIFUL TRUE LOVE OF MYTH AND POETS AND SONGS AND DREAMS!!!!!!

As far as I was concerned, it deserved to ranked alongside the great romances of history and legend.

• Romeo and Juliet

• Lancelot and Guinevere

• Anthony and Cleopatra

• Tristan and Isolde

• Victoria and Albert

• Orpheus and Eurydice

• Nicholas and Alexandra

• Hero and Leander

• Heloise and Abelard

• Pyramus and Thisbe

But, you know, without the death.

Besides which, I had no internet, and no friends who liked Pokémon, so I sincerely believed I was the only Rocketshipper in the world, and felt it more intensely on top of the rest as compensation.

And if you watch the early Indigo League in the view that Jessie and James aren't just destined to be in the future, but a fully-fledged, when-can-we-be-married legitimate couple, but it's never mentioned much because it's not relevant to the main story of Ash's quest, then it bloody works!

Suddenly you start thinking that maybe they want that one big heist so badly so they have enough to retire on and set up home together.

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See talking about brings it all the bastard memories back and how they all died and led to nothing and now I want to sit in the corner and cry for the love that never lived.

Imagine me, in such a state, watching this utter abomination, matching Jessie with a man, and it's not James, and thinking I would ever take it well.

I don't understand how anyone could.

The best (THE BEST!) explanation I have is that these writers, now needing to string it out until the final moments of Johto, realized they'd taken the romance too far and wanted to hold back, but did it in the most cack-handed, clod-hopping fashion, undermining it so the whole ship collapsed about their ears, from which it's never really recovered.

This team, after all, thought Tracey was a good idea, so how much could we ever expect?

I'm not saying it died that day, as I still found things (the second film, by Shudo), but this was the first inkling I got that, well maybe it won't end happily after all.

And that hurt.

I should've seen it in Bad to the Bone, but this decision made the uneven writing far too plain, so how could I ever put my faith in it all turning out alright, if it's so dependent on an individual writer's whims?

What if the last-ever-episode was written by the wrong person, and it was left to his decision?

I dunno. Maybe the success of Pokémon went to their heads and drove 'em doolally, thinking they could coast serving up any old tripe.

Or they never wanted Rocketshipping to be so big, and deliberately set about a sabotage to put people off.

After all, the dearth of shipping content come Hoenn, the first region after Shudo left, can't really be explained otherwise.

And everything beyond that is the most paltry, blink-and-you'll-miss-it table scraps, like Jessie touches James back for half a second and the fandom flies out of its mind about it because they're so deprived of proper nourishment.

Then the supposed big stuff always comes with a catch that yet again chips away at their formerly established personalities, giving with one hand but robbing with the other.

I once heard someone defend XY063 (AND DON'T START ME ON THAT!!!) with talk of how:

For something shippy to happen, something anti-shippy needs to happen first.

We can't take one step forward before we've took a step back, so nothing ever moves.

In the present anyway. The canon gets ripped to ribbons.

Well who says it should?

'Cause I don't remember any price paid in the golden age of Rocketshipping. Back then it was just allowed to happen.

So what changed?

It can't only be they cut down on the romance to give it greater appeal to children, thus turning a bigger profit, as what do they think we were?

But here is where you start to see the almost brainless willingness to ignore all that's gone before.

Anything to keep it going, eh?

The entire reason Jessie and James was special is because it's two kids adrift from the worlds they were born into where no one understood them...until they met.

You go by the original canon, and it's them chancing upon their soulmate, realizing it, and never parting from that day.

They was only ever going to be the other in their lives, and they knew, and IT WAS SO BLOODY BEAUTIFUL!!!

The idea there's one person for everyone is the magic material woven into all the highest dreams of humanity, and it made Little T.A.P.'s tender heart sing hosannahs to its holiness.

Oh, but yer can forget that now, 'cause it's all gone to shit.

Turns out Jessie DID have one of them connections (honest!), but it was some other random knobhead named Darren who sniffs glue round the back of Netto.

Oh-ho, I bet Keats, Byron and Shelley are dusting off their immortal quills as we speak, keen as mustard to commit these wholesome snippets to paranormal paper.

Get this: she, apparently, knew Darren practically from the maternity ward, and spent her whole life with him, which is longer than her own parents lasted (supposing that bit of her past stayed the same, and I'm not sure it did, but anyway) meaning he's the biggest relationship of any kind she ever had, the one constant source of emotional support and companionship throughout her younger years, twinned with her as no one else ever could be (PFFT!!!) but he's never been bloody mentioned before!

And he's never seen again!

And he's got No Fookin' Eyes!

He's SO important, but he also doesn't matter at all, as them writers don't care no more.

James not only isn't The One, he ain't even The Two after Osstin got invented, and The Three is Darren part two, for Jessie's slummin' it for sloppy seconds.

James is well down the rankings of First Ever Love Evah in the modern configuration, which is nice.

And they just keep twisting the knife!

Pokémon Tech. is a school for Trainers, so first-year pupils must be at least ten, therefore I surmised that's how old Jessie and James were at their fateful encounter.

BUT she's evidently younger than ten here, so not only have they killed off her joint history with him, they've gotta mock it too by making out it couldn't even come close to the depth of dependency she had on ding-dong-merrily-on-high Daz, since they go way back!

As I said, Jessie's established past is oblitered by this scene, but so too is James's, and now he didn't abscond from school to join a bike gang, and I don't know where he comes from either because Holy Matrimony! is out too.

If I'm generous however, and overlook that, presuming the 'rich kid' theme still applies, there's no telling why, when or how he ran away, but I'll guess he was ten when he did, for that's the traditional age of majority here.

As the Training Daze version of events now takes precedent with everyone who isn't me, and those lauding it want to hammer yer into submission about how Duh Twenny Fyve, this makes a fifteen-year gap from James leaving home to swanning up at HQ, which is just an enormous black hole of cold emptiness.

Has there ever (EVER) been an episode dealing with what happened to him then, who he met, what jobs he had, how he survived?

NO!

With Indigo canon binned (apart from the following, apparently, which is convenient), I'm supposed to accept that James, who wasn't just a small boy, but a preened, pampered only child and precious son and heir, fêted and catered to by a household full of servants, with no life skills or survival instincts to speak of, somehow scraped by on the streets on his own FOR FIFTEEN YEARS, with no Jessie to take care of him, or Chopper, or Tyra, or any kindly biker?

As if! He'd have been dead within hours!

Of course, he caught no Pokémon during this period either (being most of his life) and consequently had no form of self-defence to hand, but this colossal plot hole doesn't seem to trouble anyone.

Who knows, maybe in this timeline he stayed home until the night before Giovanni snapped him up, which I suppose makes Jessibelle his own personal Darren in significance.

Except people never mind if, by default, every new Jessie backstory comes replete with endless gobshite wasters queueing up to give her Forgotten Major Trauma, but if James has another woman, and it's Jessibelle, there's hell to pay.

Well no wonder she's miffed, staying with him for decades only to watch him walk out the door as soon as she slipped on the veil.

I reckon it's only the good humour of Vileplume that keeps her from tipping into full Miss Havisham mode.

Whilst I'm at it, the art style of Training Daze is a bit...off, and doesn't resemble the rest of Hoenn.

I suspect it's an imitation of how they looked in their earliest scenes, in fact the above screenshot is suspiciously like this one, even if they haven't bothered fixing the colours.

See? They can draw better. They just won't.

My theory is the crew knew retconning the past was playing with fire, so deliberately designed 'em as close as they could to early Kanto, thereby easing fans into accepting it, as if now it's obvious Indigo Jessie and James really went through the prequel, and were originally invented with this past in mind.

Yeah. Not that it makes sense, for if the Kanto style was that important to anyone they'd still be going by its canon backstories come what may, and certainly wouldn't have rolled over blithely accepting the mushed-up faces on 'em recently, but then, who really cares about coherent thinking?

It's so overrated.

And I can't deny it worked. People tie themselves in all sorts of weird knots insisting Training Daze ackshully does fit with canon...if you just shut up and stop noticing.

Once that got through, in their view we'd swallow anything, so why even try making it match?

Who is this supposed to be, man? 'Cause it don't resemble any Jess I remember.

If this picture had gone round labelled as 'Young Nurse Joy' before Sinnoh, no one would've doubted it.

What's wrong with yer bloody eyes, love? They ain't even the right shape!

How can I believe a backstory that happened to someone else?

Now I, being a calm, mild-mannered sort of soul, don't ask for much in life.

But he should die.

Incidentally, years after the fact I skimmed a Cori Falls story where Darren knocked Jessie about, and although I would never once suggest that happened (but it did) I can't say I have a single ounce of sympathy for him.

I mean, if he didn't want that sort of representation, he shouldn't have bloody turned up.

Please understand, I haven't relentlessly insulted him merely from a shipping perspective (die), but also with a fine artistic sensibility.

Firstly, he has No Bloody Eyes, which, logically, constitutes some sort of Shadow Dæmon, but more importantly, and much worse, is the brown hair.

Brown hair.

You're in an anime, and yer got brown hair.

...

YOU COULD HAVE ANY COLOUR IN THE WORLD AND YER PICK BROWN???!!!

Even worse ('cause it's personal now), it ain't even arranged in some ker-razy spiky display as compensation.

Oh no. He's too good for that. Instead Darren's got his barnet all nice and smooth, like a human haircut.

...

See what I'm saying?

He comes swaggering in here, throwing his weight around and upsetting everyone, and hasn't even got the decency to look the part.

Not even an inch of sideburns on this oaf.

I wouldn't mind nearly so much if we were dealing with some ultra-cool world-class titan, the sort of shining star suited to front any other anime, where you could understand Jess taking an interest, but I am not putting up with sticking this bog-standard, penny-pinching tow-rope, with his all-over even wood finish and cow lick, into her past without so much as a by-your-leave, and thereby casting aspersions on her character.

Just consider the insult:

You're telling me Jess has gone from bagging herself James, who's not only young, good-looking, carrying the classic anime style, AND actually matters in the grand scheme with a massive fan following, because he's well-designed and interesting enough to pull a crowd (plus, let's not forget, HE'S FOOKIN' LOADED, MAN!!!) to settling (and come on, it's settling) for eyeless, bland background filler, who wouldn't even pass muster as a one-time guest character?

Yer can piss off!

Indigo Jess had some flamin' standards and wasn't gonna compromise 'em, but Orange Jess apparently has no taste whatsoever, and is just bloody grateful when any old slobbering air thief shows interest.

And I'm not 'avin it!

See that's why she's on the floor. He hit 'er.

All I said about Darren being Jessie's main source of stability also applies in reverse, as she is that to him.

And still he effed off.

Arsehole. Complete arsehole.

What a classy moral-of-the-story routine this was for the romantically-inclined Little T.A.P.

'Used t'be Jessie crossed paths with her everlasting soulmate (James) and stuck it out through thick and thin.

Message: True love is real, kids!

Together forever!

No matter how long!

From now until the end of time!

Now? Oh yeah, she had a thing once, and thought it was the proper stuff, but...meh.

'Cause even after years together you just can't trust 'em not to leave.

Message: Never feel secure!

Not for one second!

You don't know what he's plotting!

Oh, kill the dream, why don't yer?

Let's not aim for something higher anymore, trying to convey the soaring ideals of love, so that, despite their misery and poverty, Jessie and James have a little beauty to cling on to through the darkness.

Nah, mate, kick 'em when they're down!

Thus Darren departs continuity, oversized coat and guide dog in hand, as Orange Jess sinks to her knees, pleading for his return.

Have some bloody self-respect, Jess!

You're so invested in a walking Cuprinol advert you're actually begging him not to go?

You like minimum-effort mediocrity THAT much?

And you're STILL sorry it didn't last?!

Fuxake, woman!

For if I accept it, I think less of her.

There once was a time when our Jess pictured herself as an earthbound goddess served devotedly by adoring slave boys.

Ooooh. Some of them lads have brown hair.

They've all got curtains, perms and mullets, man!

That's the default setting of anime!

Being mere fantasy figures, they don't really exist in this universe, and thus I'm cutting 'em some slack, given this whimsy never buggered up canon.

They know their place.

But watching her debase herself like this, crawling across the scratchy nylon carpet, clutching at the tan polyester seams of Darren's best waterproof ensemble, really got my goat, as that ain't the Jess I loved and idolised.

Old Indigo Jess wouldn't have stood for any of that nonsense, as her lovely little speech in The Ghost of Maiden's Peak makes plain.

Oooh, but she's just trying to save face because of what she did in the past.

A. You're only saying that in hindsight, wanting to believe Pokémon has a solid continuity where both Barren Darren and Austin Powers fit, even when it's impossible.

B. Where's the evidence for this in original canon?

C. There's nothing wrong with learning from others' mistakes instead of going there yourself.

D. Orange Jess evidently doesn't regret it, what with telling us all about sinking so low she's hankered after Spirits From The Nether Realm, and giving it good woe-is-me in the aftermath.

Back in the first series, all the fellas Jessie wanted waiting upon her had James's lean physique, with the majority sporting some variation on his hair colour.

Is it really just a coincidence that since then, none of her supposed beaus look remotely like him?

Each one has either brown or dark grey hair, making 'em as boring as possible:

• Darren

• Aston Villa

• Dr. Shite

• Speccy in the Lucario film.

• Him from Mewtwo Returns, whatever his name is, the sub says Penicillin.

So the art department's going out of its way to tell us:

1. James is NOT Jessie's type.

2. She has really low standards, yet he STILL doesn't meet 'em.

Now Darren doesn't really matter too much, since everyone else who hasn't been nursing a grudge for two decades forgets him.

Even I don't care until he comes up in screen shots.

Osstin however is the real shithouse.

He gets an entire bloody episode nurturing his canon balls.

See here's where the slippery slope knocks yer down:

• Make Team Rocket look Indigo for Training Daze.

Once accepted, don't bother letting Jess resemble herself in Crossing Paths!

• Introduce other men in a minor flashback.

Now the past is broken, have whole episodes pissing on its memory.

And how the quality has sunk in the meantime.

Darren, whilst a massive step down from James, is at least reasonably masculine, and probably as attractive as shape-shifters get.

Osstin meanwhile...

I'm gonna ignore the brown barnet, being a tangle of jagged edges, evidently over-compensating for what lies beneath.

'Cause he is ugly, man.

Jessie's tastes have degraded so badly they've slipped into the perverse, juvenile blood throbbing at the sight of a squeaky, short-arsed four-eyes barely bigger than herself.

Why, God? Why do you curse me?

James was a wealthy effeminate fop, in his day, Darren was a normal, middle-of-the-road incubus, in his day, both of which are a sight load better than whatever this is supposed to be.

You want me to believe Jessie's gone from either of them to a squinting, emasculated and vertically challenged dweeb, fogging up at the mere sniff of Reddit and SY-UNCE, and truly hideous to behold?

She left Darren for him, did she?

Takin' liberties here!

Remember it, tho?

Back when she was taking expensive dance classes in an unspecified region paid for by her indulgent moneybags parents with those familiar best friends of hers?

You know, that pair we keep seeing on the road.

Never not on our screens, are they?

I'm sick of hearing about 'em.

It's always Jessie getting dumped, you notice. Never her kicking the useless sod to the kerb, realizing she can do better.

Nope. Only James is low enough for that.

But do they really expect me to still love and admire Jessie, look up to her even, as I once did, when now I'm told she's so pathetic even nerds don't want her?

Bastards!

Oh, you're sorry this didn't work out, are yer Jess?

You're crying because you didn't marry the gormless incel and birth a dozen bi-focal babies?

Just look at yerself, girl!

Worse, Darren left her when they were reasonably grown-up, about the age she was in the Orange League, meaning if it happened (which it didn't) it had to be not long before Kanto began, so I might understand her still being upset over a man she'd known since childhood, supposing I did believe it.

BUT Osstin buggered off when she was at best, about bloody eleven, and so they had no romance in the first place, yet she's still moaning about The Geck That Got Away well into Sinnoh, meaning she regrets losing him more than Darren!

You're rapidly going down in my estimation, Jess!

Of course, the irony is James morphing into said revolting breed of 'male' in the later eras, so by rights Jessie ought to be on him like a pigeon on Monster Munch.

I marvel at anyone who kept their Rocketshipping hopes up this long, given just how many warning signals the writers put out over the years.

Nothing blatant, obviously. They're not stupid.

Even the quote above quietly kills off any hint of Jessie and James's then-relationship, and as usual with retcons, once said, you're expected to apply them to the past and pretend it was always this way.

No one loves Jess, kids!

And certainly not James!

All that Indigo evidence was just in your head!

There's never a positive reflection of her being glad she met James and Meowth, that these various conflicting pasts led to them, and so it all worked out in the end.

Every time she bemoans a 'lost love', it's a tacit admission she wishes she was anywhere but here, and with anyone but them.

Anyone but James, in truth.

Oh, that's cheered me right up.

How miserable she looks.

If nothing else proves Holy Matrimony! is out of continuity (barring bits of it, when useful), it's that her Orange League whining come after this scene.

And this one.

And this one...

...When she is plainly in a relationship with him.

Jessie's first action after staring into James's eyes for an unnecessarily long period of time is to move closer and wrap her arms about his neck, for one of those entirely platonic embraces, no doubt, both so captivated by the moment they've forgotten Meowth exists.

But it never happened, did it?

They've always been Just Friends, haven't they?

See when I rule the world (it won't be long now), and people ask why I did all them war crimes, I'm gonna point 'em to THIS for setting me off.

The End

#Rocketshipping #Team Rocket #Jessie #James #Jessie and James #Darren #Astin #Orange Islands #Wherefore Art Thou Pokémon?#Hoenn #Training Daze #Sinnoh #Crossing Paths!#Kanto #Holy Matrimony!#GIFS

5 notes · View notes