#holding grudges against episode 11 part 4 day

[respectthepetty]

I’m sorry I know that post you made was probably mad long ago, but your take on when Day broke up with Mork made my day. I felt the same way. He was literally just trying to look out for him. He’s always put Day first but got a slap in the face for it instead. I hated that part of the series so bad. Mork deserved better than that I’m glad somebody else saw it. I also wish there were more scenes of Day catering to Mork and his feelings but everything seemed to always be about Day. Thank you for that post lol.

Anon, I was so mad at Day in part four of episode 11 that it made JittiRain's Vice Versa, by default, become my favorite JimmySea show, and know that I was pissed at Puen in that show for eleven episodes!

How ironic, huh? "Vice Versa"

Get it?! Because I loved Last Twilight for eleven episodes, but it betrayed me in the end, yet I hated Vice Versa for eleven episodes only to be okay with it in the end.

So . . . yeah, look at them tables turning. I like Vice Versa now. It is the superior JimmySea show.

*manically laughter*

Sorry I didn't appreciate your lying ass, Puen

I didn't know Episode 11 Part 4 Day was just around the corner.

[ecargmura]

Hirogaru Sky! Precure Episode 18 Review: Cure Butterfly Is Finally Here!

Cure Butterfly makes her debut and it’s a banger! I do like how that after constant episodes of villains calling Ageha a side character or an outsider, she finally gets her time to shine! She’s also the main focus of this episode!

Ageha, being the only college student of the group, finally gets to start her dream job by being a nursery school assistant teacher at the nearby daycare. She’s not a full teacher yet, as she’s just helping out as part of her school’s curriculum, but she’s a hit with the kids! It also helps that she knows the Precures, who are popular with the daycare kids. I really like seeing this passionate side of Ageha. She clearly enjoys chasing after her dream and that she really does like kids a lot. It kind of makes the Ageha from Episode 11 feel like a different person compared to this episode. However, I do like how she retains her status as the smartest of the group by outsmarting another Ranborg. She really knows how to outsmart these things. Her straightforward personality also shows a lot, especially towards the end where she decides to move into Mashiro’s house just so that she and the other Precures can stay together in times of need. It’s a smart thing to do as Ageha lives outside Sorashido City and had to commute to and from school.

Let’s talk about her transformation since it’s the highlight of the episode. How was it? I liked it! It may not be as fluid as Sky or Wing, but it’s not as choppy as Prism’s. It’s jittery, jumpy and fast. I actually like it. It’s like an insect’s movement of sorts. I heard that the animator  did think about insect movements while animating this because they like insects. Also, she doesn’t appear in the Jump sequence, but it does show that she jumped super high when she said Jump, so she gets a pass for not being there instead of Prism. If I have to rank the transformation sequences, it’d be this: 1. Sky 2. Wing 3. Butterfly 4. Prism. Not that Butterfly’s transformation sequence is bad, but I just like the fluidity of Sky and Wing’s a bit more. However, I can not deny that Butterfly’s is super detailed.

I like the fact that the Precures’ heroics are being noticed and that they’re getting a fanbase with the daycare students. It’s a cute detail. It shows that their actions are being appreciated and that their selflessness is not in vain.

Battamonda was a sore loser here. He legit did not want to capture Ellee even though she was wide open and just wanted to win against Ageha out of spite and pettiness. Damn. It does show the difference between him and Kabaton in a way. It makes Battamonda comical, but also dangerous as his habit of holding grudges can be used dangerously later on, but it can also be his downfall as it can backfire against him. Though, I do commend on him being smart with targeting Ellee just so that the other Precures can defend her, which then lead to his trap. He may be a sore loser and petty, but he’s very tricky. I like that. However, I cannot help but to worry about the day Battamonda breaks the Mirror Pad. I feel like he’s capable of doing that just to hinder the Precures.

I can’t wait to see what Ageha will bring to the table now that she’s officially a Precure. The one month gap between Wing and Butterfly’s debut has not been in vain. Also, I noticed that all five main characters’ voice actors’ given names start with A. I find that amusing in a way. Quintuple A’s!

[thewritewolf]

Rekindle Chapter 5 - Baking

While getting settled in to watch some movies, Marinette and Chat Noir bake some cookies for snacking.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30  31

@marichatmay

Enjoy!

Read on Ao3

“Really? That’s why your coworkers are mad at you? Seems like a really stupid thing to keep a grudge over.” Chat Noir sipped at the tea Marinette had made for him, holding the mug very carefully to avoid scratching it was his clawed gloves.

“I know, right?! So I had one bad day two years ago and they will still barely talk to me.” She sighed. “I’ve already started looking around for other internships. Even if I don’t get better pay, it’ll at least be nice not to be a social outcast.”

It had been sweet of Chat Noir to listen to her vent for the last… three hours, she realized with a wince as she glanced at her clock. When had Chat Noir become so patient? Her experience with him from Ladybug’s perspective was a hothead who rushed into things without thinking. There had been times where she had to worry more about reining in his more moody episodes than fighting the akuma of the day. Yet here he was, letting her get all her frustrations off her chest while being as supportive as ever.

“It definitely isn’t fair, purrincess. But I think I know what will cheer you up…” She tilted her head to the side as he stretched for the gift box he’d brought. Holding up the dvds, he grinned at her, “...movie night!”

“Hm… sounds good, but missing something.” She tapped her chin for added effect.

“And what’s that?”

“We’ll need snacks. Lots of them.” She caught him glancing towards the last remnants of their dinner. “Pasta is not movie food, chaton, not even delicious pasta.” He puffed his chest out at her off-handed compliment. “How does sugar cookies sound to you?”

“I’ll defer to your superior movie day expertise.” They stood at the same time, but Chat Noir hesitated. “It’s, uh… been awhile since I’ve made cookies. Like, years. So I’ll follow your lead on this one.”

“Well, it’s good for you that I practically grew up baking delicious treats.” She started pulling out all the ingredients she’d need. “Sugar cookies really aren’t that hard, so I’ll just whip up the batter myself. You can help roll them out into balls before we put them in the oven.”

Chat Noir sighed dramatically, holding aloft his chef’s hat. Even after three hours of talking, she didn’t know why he’d brought it besides being a dork. “Ah, from head chef to mere bystander. How the mighty have fallen.”

“Well since you seem so familiar with my kitchen, you can get the pan out and greased while I’m going this.”

“Yes, chef!” Despite the crisp salute, he moved leisurely and hummed a song that Marinette couldn’t quite place while he worked. She was still stirring when he was finished and watching her expectantly.

She stared pointedly at his hands. “Those gauntlets come off, Chat?”

“Yes…? Oh, right. Probably don’t want me rolling cookies in these, do you?” He chuckled to himself as he undid some latch underneath the bulky gloves and Marinette blinked as she realized that this was the first time she’d ever seen her partners bare hands.

They weren’t what she had expected, although she wasn’t aware she even had expectations of what he looked like outside the suit. Since Chat was always a wild child and full of life, she had expected maybe some scars or calluses. Maybe a tan from long days outside. Instead, they looked… soft and well manicured. No sign of rough usage or long healed injuries. The hands of someone who took their looks seriously, and stayed out of trouble. She realized she was staring and quickly looked down at what she was stirring as Chat Noir went to wash his hands.

The rest of the process was spent in companionable quiet and between the two of them all the dough was rolled and flattened in no time at all. Even with her distracted by his bare hands - she’d already been proven wrong twice about her long standing assumptions about him. What else could she have incorrectly assumed?

Once she set the pan in the oven, she asked, “So… want to play a game to pass the time?”

As expected, that got his interest. Though he tried to hide the excitement in his voice, she could see it in his eyes and by the swishing of his tail. “Sure! What did you have in mind?”

“Well, some sweetheart just got me some new sketchbooks, so I was thinking we could do kind of like a drawing charades? We draw something and the other person has to guess what it is. Every three correct answers and we’ll swap positions. Sound good?”

“Sounds purr-fect.” When she pushed the book over to him, he shook his head and pushed it back. “Host gets first turn. Even I know that rule.”

WIth the help of a random word generator, she began sketching the first object. She didn’t make it far from the symmetrical design before Chat Noir made his guess.

“Butterfly?” He grinned. “I’d rather leave work at work, if you don’t mind, Marinette.”

“Okay, fair enough. Butterfly was probably too easy a start. What about this…” She quickly jotted out an outline with four legs, whiskers, and a tail.

He snickered. “Really? Its a cat. No? What else could it - oh, a kitten.”

“Almost got you there, Chat. Can’t get too cocky. Last one before we switch.”

“Uhh, a circle. A pancake? No. Soup with sprinkles?” She looked at where he was hovering over her shoulder and raised her eyebrow. “What? It could happen. Cake with candles.” She gestured for him to continue. “...Oh! Birthday cake.”

“Good job. Now,” she passed the sketchbook and phone with the word generator to him, only now noticing how close he’d gotten, “Your turn.”

He took the offered pencil sheepishly. “Okay, just keep in mind I’m not as good at drawing as you.”

“And that’s part of the challenge for me.” She glanced at the clock. Still a while to go until the cookies were done. “Start when you’re ready.”

His first drawing was a crowd of people just barely above stick figure quality, but what tipped her off was how there was two bigger ones and a smaller one - which lead her to the correct guess of family. Next he made a long-sleeved shirt with surprisingly good detail. The two of them had gone through her fall clothing sketchbooks before. Was that where he learned to draw sweaters? The last one had been more abstract, but his little forest scene made more sense when he doodled wind and falling leaves. In hindsight, autumn should have been obvious.

“Alright, my turn again.” She hesitated for a moment before turning the page, savoring the little drawings Chat had made before starting her turn.

With only a single rectangle to go off of Chat Noir began guessing. “Box!” She added z’s coming off of it. “Tired box. Sleeping box. Bed!”

She took quick break to laugh before turning to him incredulously. “Sleeping box?!”

“I remembered the word eventually,” he grumbled. “Did I at least get it right?”

“No, but you’re close. Let’s see if this helps…” She drew another rectangle around the box and he finally got it.

“Oh! Pillow!”

She nodded and started work on her next drawing. It didn’t take long for him to figure out ‘gloves’, especially since she just copied his suit’s. Just as she reached for her phone to go for another round, she saw the time.

“Cookies should be done now, so that’s the end of the game.” She saw a brief look of disappointment on Chat Noir’s face. “Don’t worry, we can always play again some other time.”

“I’ll hold you to that. At least sugar cookies are a good reason to stop.” He took a deep breath as she took them out of the oven. “Ahhhh… delicious.”

She giggled, “You haven’t even had any!”

“Well, it’s a dupain-cheng baked good, so it goes without saying.”

“Such a flatterer.”

“I don’t hear you denying it.”

“And that’s because it’s true. Doesn’t make you any less of a flatterer for bringing it up.” She set the platter of cookies on the table. “Don’t eat all those while I’m gone. I’m going to scrounge up a bunch of pillows and blankets. Can you get ready to start the movies while I’m looking?”

“Sure.”

It took awhile for her to find where she’d stashed all of it. After all, it had been months, if not a full year since she’d needed to pull out extra pillows and blankets. Which made her stop and really think. Had it been so long since she’d had anyone stay over? She’d gotten into such an exhausting routine at work, she hadn’t even realized. By the time she came back, Chat Noir was lounging on her couch, eyes closed and hands behind his head. The television wasn’t even on, much less set up. She narrowed her eyes at him and walked towards him.

He cracked open one eye and grinned at her. “Hey, purrincess. Find everything- ack!” His sentence was cut off when she dumped everything onto him and jumped on top of it. “Hey! I was laying here!”

She coyly looked down at him, being sure to open her eyes in mock surprise. “Oh! Sorry. I must not have noticed you there.” She smiled sweetly at him. “I’m comfortable. Are you ready to watch some movies.”

“Ha ha, very funny. Get off and I’ll start them.”

She jumped off of him and while he was busy with the dvd player, Marinette unfolded the blankets and strategically placed some pillows while pulling up the table to put the cookies on. By the time he was done, she was under the blankets and holding them up for him. He slipped in after turning off the lights and their marathon began.

-------------------------

The light of the credits provided scant illumination for the room. Despite eating all the sugar cookies, the two of them were feeling drained after the long day and relaxing in front of the television. Marinette was barely able to keep her eyes open. She’d long since given up the struggle to sitting up straight and she was leaning against Chat Noir, her head was resting on his shoulder. As sleepy as she felt that she was, she knew that Chat was doing even worse, since he’d already nodded off a couple times during the last movie. She pulled herself away from Chat, only now noticing that his arm had snaked around her at some point during the last few hours. Stretching, she stood and gently nudged him.

“Chat? It’s pretty late and it doesn’t feel right to send you out when you’re this tired. You want to crash here?”

Yawning, he replied, “If that’s alright with you, yeah.”

“C’mon, I’ll show you to the guest room. Grab some of those pillows and blankets and make yourself comfortable.”

He shambled after her, only reluctantly still awake before collapsing onto the guest bed. No sooner had she closed the door than a flash of green light appeared under the door. Her heart fluttered for a moment - on the other side of the door was whoever Chat Noir actually was. She stood still for a few long heartbeats before his snoring broke her out of it.

“Goodnight, kitty,” she whispered before heading to bed herself.

[universitychallenged]

University Challenge 2019/20, Episode 20

The moment has arrived! I watched Imperial in their last appearance and was a little overexcited by a certain badass New Yorker. University Challenge is nothing without the odd big personality to liven things up a bit. Make way for Brandon!

Tonight’s edition comes to you in the company of Mother.

Imperial: 255

St. John’s, Oxford: 105

Team Vibe: Imperial: 

St John’s, Oxford:

Grandad Count: Imperial might have won by a country mile, but St John’s average age was only 11 3/4 so they did VERY WELL.

Gender Diversity Count: One. Girl.

Style News: Regular readers may think I have a grudge against plain jumpers, but mate! Plain jumpers can work just fine, especially when twinned with excellent specs. Please see Exhibit A (Imperial’s Brooks, with his lovely deep red chunky knit) and Exhibit B (St. John’s Soor, with his soft sage green number) for evidence. 

Captain Rich also brought strong hipster glasses game; ‘everyone’s wearing the same glasses as me,’ Andy recently complained, so I'm glad he wasn't watching this episode.

But what was going on with Brandon’s cheeky jumper? He already had excellent form with a Pokemon jumper in his previous appearance. All is revealed by him on Twitter: it’s American quiz show Jeopardy's presenter Alex Trebek, who has, since the show was recorded, been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Brandon then requests donations to Pancreatic Cancer UK. What a peach. 

Cult Hero Of The Episode: B.R.A.N.D.O.N.

Captain Leeks was the sharpest of his slightly meek St John’s side, and the charming Captain Rich of Imperial probably got more correct answers, but Brandon is just so cool and wonderful I can’t even. So much swagger and pizzazz! He is from Queens, NYC. He has a near-pencil moustache. As questions are asked, he sits with eyes closed and his fingers in front of his face, and answers with the angry, impatient air of someone who has world crises to solve. On the Pulitzer Prize bonus round, he looked to the ceiling and moved his tongue in his cheek as if swilling a particularly vintage Rioja. ‘Which is the only year in British history to have seen four different Prime Ministers hold office,' said Jez. 'The first of the four was Earl Grey –’ ‘1834,’ Brandon buzzed in, fuming, as if he’d just been asked what was heavier, an elephant or a mouse. I LOVE HIM.

‘Oh, he’s arrogant,’ said Mother, and 55% of Twitter. Nonsense! Yes, he draws the attention of his team in when conferring, and has confidence oozing out of every pore, but you only have to see the mask come off in his exchange with Jeremy Paxman (see Jezza Watch) to know he’s a little pudding-pops, really.

Handsome Person of the Episode: The lovely bookends, Brooks of Imperial and Soor of St John's! I would happily go Midcentury Modern furniture shopping with either – what the hell – BOTH of them.

Horror Bonus Question: ‘In physics, what two-word term is abbreviated as the letter μ, subscript capital B; it is a unit for measuring atomic magnetic moments and is named in part after a North American physicist who was a pioneer of quantum mechanics?’

Regular Classical Fail By Composition PhD-owning Composer, Kerry Andrew: Beethoven! Thankfully, I knew that he wrote the Appassionata sonata and others, and thus avoided being taken out and shot. Jazz round, whoop! Captain Rich got Miles Davis after 1.2567 seconds, because (I assume from his spectacles) he spends all day listening to crackly Horace Silver vinyl and all night listening to Awesome Tapes From Africa. Thankfully I got the Coltrane and Hancock before Imperial, PHEW. I once sang that flutey introduction to ‘Watermelon Man’ at a London College of Fashion Graduate Show while dressed in an outfit from the first collection, you know.

Dream Bonus Question Round: OK, so I had never heard of celebrated film editor Dee Dee Allen (kudos again to the UniChall producers for keeping up the notable female content), but I did know 3 out of 4 of her films, unlike the youngsters on both teams – guessing Bugsy Malone instead of Bonnie and Clyde is just delightful. Mum was all over the Yorkshire Dales bonuses like rain on a drystone wall.

Jezza-Watch: ‘Excluding earth, how many planets in our solar system were known by the year 1820?' asked Jezzo. ‘Six,’ buzzed in Brandon, leaning back in his seat and rolling his eyes. ‘You look as if you find the question insultingly easy,’ Jez tittered, and Brandon broke character, grinning and saying ‘no no, it’s not like that. Good question.’ He put his thumb up. ‘Do you want a more difficult one?’ said Jez. ‘No, please!’ said Brandon. ‘I can’t. My heart.’ ADORBS.

I also loved Jeremy’s soothing words to the losing team at the end: ‘I’m sorry, St. John’s,’ he said. ‘You were whipped.’ HA. Next time! Paxo starts telling teams they are slaying in their lane and ending each question with ‘lol.’

Kerry’s and Mother’s Score: 24 right! 16 from me and 8 from Mother; 135 points between us.

Brain Food: Mother’s chicken and roast squash risotto

*******Final shout-out for Brandon’s Pancreatic Cancer UK link!*********

Tweets of the Day:

Please feel free to share, retweet, shout about this blog. I’m mostly a musician but a writer now too, and every little helps. And here’s me on Instagram.

[travllingbunny]

The 100 rewatch: 2x10 Survival of the Fittest

This episode has 4 different storylines with 4 very different character pairings, but I believe is known to many as the mutant gorilla episode. :D But as ridiculous the mutant gorilla is (and as bad the CGI is), it’s kind of… ridiculous in an almost charming way? Like something that comes from another show takes itself less seriously. So it doesn’t really bother me, unlike many other things in the show – instances of stupidly written storylines that seem dead serious. There’s also one of those Octavia storylines that don’t make sense to me but that make some sense to Octavia. But the storyline with Bellamy and Lincoln trying to infiltrate Mount Weather is really good, and the last scene is what I mostly remembered this episode by. The interactions between Jaha and Murphy (now this is an interesting new dynamic I doubt anyone saw coming before it happened) are also really interesting and well-written.

Rating: 6.5/10

My favorite part of the episode is Bellamy’s and Lincoln’s journey to and attempt to infiltrate Mount Weather. This is the most extensive interaction between those two in the show, and they have come a long way since their first meeting, when Bellamy thought of Lincoln as his sister’s kidnapper and tortured him for enemy secrets. By the season 2 finale, he had accepted Lincoln as his brother-in-law and was OK with Octavia going off with him, and in season 2 he was helping Octavia save him, but this is the first time we see them interacting one-on-one. I was never a fan of how season 1 portrayed the beginning of the Linctavia relationship (I’ve never been into the Romeo-and-Juliet type insta-romance), and Lincoln didn’t get enough characterization in season 1, but season 2 fixed that and gave him a lot more depth. He had several of the best lines in the show, and he has some really good ones in this episode. When Bellamy tells him: “You are good for her, you made her strong”, Lincoln replies: “She was already strong”. Which explains why he was drawn to her, and is also a good point that is often lost on people, that strength of character is not about fighting skills.  We also learn Lincoln’s very interesting backstory (which is also generally interesting as additional backstory for the people of the Ark), when Bellamy asks him what made him want to help Octavia at the time he didn’t know her yet: as a child, he found a ship with an injured man who had fallen from the sky. Bellamy recognized that as an instance of “suicide by Earth”, which was an unconfirmed urban legend on the Ark. Lincoln wanted to help the man but didn’t speak his language at the time, so he told his father, who made him kill the man. “The world has been trying to turn me into a monster since I remember.”  A line that is crucial for Lincoln’s arc in season 2. Bellamy has himself struggled with the idea t that he’s a monster (in 1x08, struggling with his feelings of guilt over indirectly causing the culling, he told Clarke “I am a monster”).

But the scene I most remember this episode by is the cliffhanger in which Bellamy’s plan to infiltrate Mount Weather with Lincoln’s help goes wrong because Lincoln wasn’t able to resist his addiction to the “red” when he saw it right in front of him, so the result was Lincoln apparently falling back into his old role as a Reaper, and Bellamy in the MW, but in the role of a “Grounder” prisoner to be harvested. I really like the fact that the show acknowledged that addiction is incredibly difficult to overcome, no matter how strong or ethical a person you may be. At least it did it in this episode, though this storyline will later get a rather quick resolution a couple of episodes later.

The other really good storyline was a very unexpected pairing of Jaha and Murphy, which works wonderfully. After Murphy ended up in a cell for a minor altercation with a Grounder who was blaming him for being there with Finn during the massacre (while the Grounder law and custom seems to be that it’s only the leader or whoever is perceived as the leader or main perpetrator who must be punished, people probably don’t quite feel that way in practice), he and Jaha ended up sharing a cell (do they have more than one cell in the camp at this point?) and having very interesting conversations that would have never happened on the Ark, where the class system was strict, and where a leader and a member of the lower class would have never interacted like this. This finally gives Murphy some really good dialogue and a role that’s not just being the nuisance in the background that other characters must begrudgingly tolerate (occasionally telling him “Shut up, Murphy”). And it also gave Jaha more interesting moments than he’s had since…ever? I really disliked Jaha on my first watch, and was bored and annoyed with most of his scenes, until season 4 when I started finding him more interesting. I still have the same, mostly negative opinions about his leadership and morality, but now I feel I understand him better and find him a bit more sympathetic. I also wasn’t a big fan of Murphy at this point, either, though I didn’t hate him anymore as I did in season 1. I enjoy his snarky lines, especially when he was telling Jaha some hard truths, but I just roll my eyes when he is whining that he’s still treated like trash in spite of being pardoned for his crimes. Well, duh, Murphy, what do you expect? Who would think that people will hold a grudge because they gave you a second chance and you went on to murder two of their friends, nearly murdered another one and crippled another, not to mention wasted ammunition and weakened the group’s defenses against an army trying to kill them. Especially when you just expect them to forgive and accept you back, and you haven’t even really said “I’m sorry”. I only fully got on board with Murphy’s redemption in season 4, when he started genuinely apologizing for his actions and trying to do better.

But it’s fun to watch a clash between Murphy’s sarcasm and pessimism and Jaha’s hopeful, messianic preaching. You kind of see how Jaha managed to get elected Chancellor – he can give good, convincing speeches. Even if, this time, he only managed to convince Murphy and 11 other people to go with him. Some of the lines he uses this time are: “Good can come out of the darkest things” “Everyone deserves a second chance”, and one that’s more worrying: “Sometimes you have to sacrifice the few to save the many” (this message will be shown just as dark as it is later in the season, when Jaha murders one of his companions in cold blood). A part of Murphy’s motivation to agree to the trip through the desert towards the mythical City of Light is that he feels like a complete outcast, but, even if he won’t admit it, he does have a desire for something better in life. “Let me show you there’s much more for you than this”, says Jaha. The City of Light thing will turn out horribly, of course, but Jaha’s promise will kind of come true: on the trip, Murphy is soon to meet Emori, who will change his life.

Also add this episode to the list of references that Wells used to exist as a main character for 3 episodes – Jaha asks Murphy to take him to his son’s grave and learns all the details about his death.

My least favorite storyline out of 4 is Octavia’s. I don’t get Octavia’s “I’m a Grounder” thing or her desire to assimilate herself into their culture, even though they are clearly not interested. But at least Octavia isn’t portrayed as being on the same level of skill as life-long Grounder warriors, after her 10 days (?) of training with Lincoln. She decides to do the Jake La Motta thing and prove herself to Indra by getting beaten up badly and still not giving up, because impressing a woman she’s met a week ago and who’s so far only shown her hostility and wanted to kill her and all her people, is apparently her main goal in life. Maybe she just really wants a mother figure. But it works, and Indra makes Octavia her “second”, telling her that the first rule is to never question her. Grounders have a very strict hierarchical society. Obviously a perfect fit for Octavia, who is constantly trying to rebel against something or someone.

Some backstory: in an awkward joint Arker/Grounder training session, where Kane is trying to be the perfect host, we learn that the reason Grounders don’t use gun is that they have a deep fear of them, due to the way the Mountain Men had discouraged them from using them, by destroying entire villages as punishment if anyone did it. Grounders also mention that they’ve lost thousands of people to Mountain Men, but we don’t know exactly how many.

Finally, the Clarke/Lexa storyline is a mixed bag and has some interesting and important interactions between those two, but also involves really bad CGI, and the only appearance of possibly the most annoying and hypocritical minor character in the entire show. The latter is a Trikru general called Quint, who’s going overboard with the Grounder habit of constantly yelling, acting irrational and ranting at the Sky people over the fact that they dared defend themselves when Trikru attacked them and tried to kill them all. At the strategic meeting about attacking Mount Weather, where Clarke was explaining Bellamy’s mission, he instead gets in her face and yells about how she’s burned his brother in a ring of fire. Clarke responds by getting into his face and making the obvious point: “He shouldn’t have attacked my ship”, which pisses him off even more, since he’s obviously used to being good at intimidating people. I guess he’s not used to losing wars his side has started, and the fact that the people he and other Grounders keep calling “weak” every episode not only defended themselves, but kicked their asses. He makes himself feel better by saying Clarke is only brave due to the Commander’s protection, and then tries to kill her as she’s walking in the woods by her own, yelling “Not so brave now, Sky girl?” Look at me, I’m a big muscular dude with a sword, stalking an unarmed teenage girl half my size, and I’m mocking her and talking about courage? Is this guy for real? Clarke runs away, sees her Arker bodyguard Major Byrne, whose arm has been apparently cut off (actually ripped off) fall dead, gets rescued by Lexa and her guard, and then hesitates to kill Quint when Lexa gives her a sword to do it. But then it all becomes irrelevant as Byrne’s actual killer appears: yep, it’s the mutant gorilla!

Then we get some action scenes of Clarke and Lexa trying to escape the gorilla while arguing over what it means to be strong. Lexa continues with her “lessons” to Clarke, which are in line with the Grounder mentality – ruthlessness is strength, compassion is weakness, etc. Clarke was at this point just as fed up with them as I was, so she mocks Lexa at one point and snaps at her when Lexa says: “To lead, you must make tough decisions” and Clarke replies ‘You’re telling me that?” – one of the only two times post-2x09 that she’s referred to her mercy-kill of Finn. A part of Lexa’s leadership philosophy is that people are expendable, and in that vein, she tells Clarke that she shouldn’t save her. Clarke calls her heartless but smart and says she needs her because things would be awful if one of her generals became the Commander. Which is true, but Clarke doesn’t know at this point that this is not how Commanders are made.

And this is where we get our first info on that, and on the Grounder religion: Lexa says that “death is not the end” and that her “spirit will choose more wisely than that” – which makes Clarke conclude that it’s reincarnation. It is actually not, but Clarke wouldn’t know that at this point. I’m not sure the writers did either, because the Flame thing has been retconed at least 3 times. I have no idea how exactly the previous Commander’s spirit is choosing anything, when the Conclave is decided by candidates killing each other?

In the end, Clarke saves Lexa from the mutant gorilla… which is kind of funny since season 3 gave Lexa’s fighting skills a huge upgrade and we learned that she basically had superpowers due to Nightblood, but she barely ever got to fight in season 2. (And IMO, she was far more interesting before the show made her into another “badass chick with a sword who is a Strong Female Character because she can fight well”). And Lexa changes her mind and admits she was wrong about Clarke: “You heart shows no weakness”. Clarke’s emotions give her strength. And you can see in that exact moment that Lexa has fallen for Clarke – she’s suddenly giving her big heart-eyes. For a moment, it seems like Clarke may be noticing that there’s some chemistry there, but then her mind goes back to the same place it is constantly going to throughout season 2: her people in Mount Weather and a plan how to save them – Bellamy will disable the acid fog and free the Grounders trapped in Mount Weather, who will be their army inside. (This was a great plan. Too bad that Lexa threw it all away in 2x15.) Since Clarke was later taken by surprise when Lexa kissed her in 2x14, she clearly didn’t notice Lexa’s interest in her – which is in character for her. She didn’t even notice in early season 1 how much Finn was hitting on her since the first time they met on the dropship, and she seemed convinced he only gave in to his emotions at the end of 1x04 – and Finn was really, really obvious with his flirting and trying to impress. That’s because Clarke is usually too distracted by other concerns, like survival and saving people. Lexa, however, can multitask and is pretty perceptive, and you can now see a tinge of jealousy as she notes how much faith Clarke puts in Bellamy (which Clarke confirms, giving another one of her many “Bellamy is so awesome” season 2 speeches, her second one just in this episode).

Timeline: The walk from Tondc (aka Washington DC) to Mount Weather on foot is 8 hours, according to the next episode, so that’s how much time passes from the end of 2x09 to the end of 2x10.

Body count: Byrne, Quint, Lexa’s unnamed guard – all killed by the mutant gorilla. I can’t say I felt very sorry – we didn’t know the guard, and my feelings on the deaths of the former two characters was “good riddance”.

[sunxsurfxkpop]

Burning sun scandal timeline

January 28

News Desk airs report where a man, Mr. Kim, says he was assaulted by Burning Sun nightclub staff on November 24, 2018, while helping a woman being sexually harassed. When police arrived, he was arrested as an assailant.

It is reported that BIGBANG’s Seungri is involved with management at Burning Sun and was at the venue that evening.

CCTV footage from the club also reveals a separate incident, with a woman shown being dragged down a club hallway. The woman reported the assault to the police who did not take action, and it was reported that Burning Sun deleted the footage.

January 29

Burning Sun CEOs Lee Sung Hyun and Lee Moon Ho issue a statement and apologise for Mr. Kim’s assault and plan to cooperate fully with the investigation. They take disciplinary action against the staff member in question.

The CEOs provide more CCTV footage from the second incident and state that the woman was removed from a VIP table for causing a disturbance and then assaulted their staff, for which she was arrested. The woman had since apologised and given assault settlement money.

The CEOs state that Seungri was not at the club on the day of the incident, and that he is someone they don’t see often.

January 30

A Burning Sun representative tells Kyunghyan Shinmun that Seungri managed Burning Sun but is not really the owner.

KBS News reports that Seungri had been a director of the club but resigned from the position a week prior.

KBS News also reports testimony from a former Burning Sun employee about VIP room CCTV footage that has gone viral, showing a woman being sexually assaulted by a man. The employee also suggests that illegal drug use occurred in VIP rooms.

https://youtu.be/hKWM7SbG_e8

February 1

YG Entertainment CEO Yang Hyun Suk confirms Seungri is no longer Burning Sun’s executive director and that he is resigning from all current business roles as he prepares to enter the military.

He states that Seungri was at Burning Sun until 3am on November 24, and the incident involving Mr. Kim took place past 6am.

Mr. Kim is accused of lying by the woman he was supposedly saving. She states that he was sexually harassing her. Mr. Kim is questioned by police.

February 2

Seungri shares statement on Burning Sun incident via his Instagram. He states that he was not there when it occurred but heard about it a few days later. He was shocked by the footage and does not condone any violence. He states that he had been the executive director in charge of promotions at the club, but that the club’s operation and management were not his role.

Dispatch reveal group chat conversations between Burning Sun staff where they discuss tactics for bringing girls into VIP rooms, looking for drunk women as easy targets and watching VIP clients engage in sexual intercourse via CCTV. Seungri is not part of these conversations.

February 4

Burning Sun CEO Lee Moon Ho issues a statement in which he apologises to Seungri. He states that Seungri only helped as a consultant and assisted in contacting foreign DJs. He confirms Burning Sun will remove VIP rooms and increase CCTVs.

February 15

Police raid Burning Sun and the Yeoksam District police unit. They confiscate programs related to alleged collusion of police officers as well as CCTV footage. At Burning Sun, they take data necessary to investigate on suspicions of drugs, sex crimes and collusion at the club.

February 16

At his solo concert in Seoul, Seungri apologises to fans saying, “I am very apologetic to all those who care for me. I’m sorry for causing disappointment for so many people, and I am reflecting on what has happened”. (Source)

February 17

Burning Sun shuts down as the investigation of drug dealing widens to more clubs in the Gangnam area.

February 18

Burning Sun assault victim Mr. Kim is suspected of a third count of sexual assault as police review CCTV recordings. He is already accused of two counts.

February 20

It is reported that police are investigating Burning Sun executives, including Seungri. Police summon staff members to make statements about Seungri’s role at the club.

February 26

SBS funE release text messages that were allegedly shared between Seungri, CEO Yoo of Yuri Holdings and an employee in 2015. The content implies that they were hiring sexual escort services at Club Arena for foreign investors.

A few hours after the report, YG release a statement that the texts are fabricated and untrue. Yuri Holdings issue a similar statement, stating that they believe someone with malicious intent towards Seungri fabricated them as a grudge.

Seoul Police Department confirm that they have launched an investigation into the escort service claims reported by the media.

YG Entertainment’s stock prices fall amid the controversy.

February 27

SBS funE journalist Kang Kyung Yoon responds to accusations of fabrication and says: “There is no reason to fabricate or edit the reported messages… If a request is received from the investigative agency, I will actively cooperate”. (Source)

Seungri states through YG Entertainment that he wishes to submit to drug tests as well as cooperate with investigations regarding the allegations surrounding him.

Seungri attends a police station for questioning that evening and is released 8.5 hours later. He submits to urine and follicle tests, and answers questions about drug and sexual escort allegations. He asks that people wait for the results of the investigation.

February 28

Seungri’s drug tests prove negative, barring the hair follicle test which takes longer to confirm.

Seungri cancels all scheduled activities, including upcoming concerts in Osaka and Jakarta.

https://youtu.be/Y4V1t1pR7LMMarch 1

SBS funE report that a whistleblower submitted the text messages of Seungri ordering sexual escort services to the Anti Corruption and Civil Rights Commission on February 22. The source says they submitted to the Commission because the messages suggest a deep connection with the police.

A source from the Seoul Metropolitan Police agency initially states: “We have yet to secure an original copy of the messages. We are contacting people [who are tied to the messages] in order to confirm [the existence of the original copy]... Not only have we not confirmed its existence, but we also have received a testimony that such messages do not exist”. (Source)

Burning Sun co-CEO Lee Sung Hyun admits to bribing a policeman with 20 million won while being investigated for possible entrance of a minor into the club.

March 4

News report reveals that the Seoul Police Department were aware of the Commission’s original copy of text messages on March 1. The police formally request for the organisation to cooperate with them regarding the documents.

March 6

It is reported that Seungri promoted a club in Hongdae in the past, which is owned by YG and now suspected of tax evasion. Three more clubs become implicated in the tax evasion controversy, with two residing in a building owned by Yang Hyun Suk.

March 8

Seungri confirms he will enlist as an active duty soldier on March 25.

MBC News share Burning Sun internal documents showing Seungri invested 225 million won in the club and listing him as a corporate promoter. He is also listed as one of four executive directors alongside Lee Sung Hyun, Lee Moon Ho, and an individual referred to as Kang.

Burning Sun’s list of shareholders includes Yuri Holdings with 20% of shares, of which Seungri is co-CEO.

March 9

BIGBANG fans on DC Gallery petition for Seungri to be removed from the group and YG’s roster.

March 10

Police begin searching Club Arena. It is reported that they find evidence of pimping allegations but no confirmation of who is involved. Arena is also investigated on suspicion of tax evasion.

Police confirm the December 2015 messages are not fabricated.

Seungri is booked and questioned by police on charges of violating South Korea’s Acts on Pimping and Prostitution and its Punishments. He is currently considered a suspect pending further investigation. Three to four other people in the chat group are also booked.

Results on Seungri’s follicle drug test prove negative.

March 11

SBS funE report on a KakaoTalk chatroom where hidden camera footage and photos are shared between Seungri, two male singers, CEO Yoo of Yuri Holdings, two regular citizens, and Mr. Kim- an acquaintance of Seungri’s who helped him run his restaurant business and also worked at Club Arena. According to the texts, Mr. Kim posted illegal hidden camera photos and videos, to which Seungri and others responded.

Police say they are aware of the chatroom allegations and are investigating.

Seungri announces his retirement from the entertainment industry in an Instagram post. He cites protecting the honour of YG and BIGBANG in it.

Police prohibit Seungri from leaving the country.

SBS 8 O’Clock News report that one of the celebrities in the KakaoTalk chatroom is allegedly Drug Restaurant frontman and variety star Jung Joon Young. The report states that he uploaded illegal hidden camera footage to the chat several times, some showing himself engaging in sexual intercourse with women filmed without consent. At least 10 victims are confirmed.

March 12

Jung Joon Young’s agency respond to hidden camera allegations, saying they are unable to ascertain the truth at this time but that the artist is returning to South Korea cooperate with police investigations.

Jung Joon Young is removed from 2 Days & 1 Night, Salty Tour and 4 Wheeled Restaurant. He will be edited out of episodes that have already been filmed but not aired yet.

Police book Jung Joon Young on arrival in South Korea and prohibit him from leaving the country.

The Anti-Corruption and Civil Rights Commission transfer the KakaoTalk data to the Supreme Prosecutors' Office after 15-day analysis.

SBS funE report on messages from July 2016, where Seungri opened a club named Monkey Museum in Gangnam. The alleged messages suggest police covered up issues with reported illegal structures in the building.

March 13

Jung Joon Young admits to hidden camera crimes in apology letter. Investigations will commence on March 14.

MAKEUS Entertainment terminate their contract with Jung Joon Young.

YG Entertainment confirms that it has terminated Seungri's contract with the agency.

YTN report that FTISLAND's Choi Jong Hoon used his connections to police to cover up a drunk driving incident from February 2016. It is alleged that he shared information about the incident in the group chatroom that includes Jung Joon Young and Seungri.

SBS 8 O'Clock News report that a police officer in charge of Jung Joon Young's 2016 illegal filming case requested the digital forensics company say the data couldn't be restored on Jung Joon Young's phone, the key evidence in the case. The police closed the investigation before receiving the data.

SBS 8 O'Clock News report on alleged text messages between Choi Jong Hoon, Jung Joon Young, Seungri and other non-celebrities, discussing payment being made to police to cover up Choi's drunk driving accident.

The former Korea Police Commissioner General, Kang Shin Myung, denies allegations that he is tied to the chatroom including the three idols.

The current Commissioner General, Min Gap Ryong, holds a press conference acknowledging the possibility of high-ranked officers abusing their power in the past to protect celebrities. He says he will investigate further.

FNC Entertainment share statement confirming Choi Jong Hoon was caught drunk driving in February 2016. He denies any ties to police. He halts all solo and FTISLAND-related activities while under investigation.

March 14

DC FTISLAND Gallery demand Choi Jong Hoon withdraw from the band.

Yong Junhyung announces his departure from HIGHLIGHT, after revealing he was aware of Jung Joon Young's hidden camera footage and had discussed it in one-on-one chat conversations. He states that he was not part of any group chats.

Commissioner General Min Gap Ryong announces plan to investigate corruption in the police force, as well as a nationwide investigation of clubs across South Korea, looking into drugs, sexual assault, the filming and distribution of hidden camera videos, and police connections.

Seungri, Jung Joon Young and Mr. Yoo report to Seoul Police Agency to start questioning

Seoul Central District Prosecutor's Office takes over the case from the police

Choi Jong Hoon announces retirement from industry and departure from FTISLAND

Sisa Journal shared messages from 2014 of Seungri providing sexual escort services to his business partner. He is also revealed to have gambled overseas - an illegal act for Korean citizens.

SBS 8 O'Clock News reports CNBLUE's Lee Jong Hyun messages with Jung Joon Young in one-on-one chatroom, including sharing of illegal hidden cam videos. It is reported Lee Jong Hyun has also filmed women without their consent.

March 15

Jung Joon Young completes police questioning after 21 hours

Seungri completes police questioning and states he will be asking the military to delay his enlistment date so he can complete the investigation.

The military say it is unlikely they can delay Seungri's enlistment, but if he puts in the request they will look over his reasoning before March 25, when he is due to enlist.

Yuri Holdings replace their CEO, effectively making Mr. Yoo resign from his position.

FNC Entertainment issue statement confirming Lee Jong Hyun watched hidden camera footage sent to him via KakaoTalk, and had inappropriate conversations degrading women.

We'll continue to update this timeline as events unfold.

Original post

[disappearinginq]

Sorry if you’re not here because you know about my Deception fics (a fandom that has taken up most of my time recently). But you’re about to get vaguely rant-y updates. 

I like guest reviewers. Really, I do. I’m not a huge fan of the ones who use anonymous mode to complain about the way I expand on a head canon who ask me questions without a way of answering without posting it in an update or new chapter. So you poor people get answers here. 

1) I have serious problems accepting MW as any source of legitimate information. Of her own feelings or otherwise. As the audience, we know she didn’t know there were two Black kids when she first met Johnny as a kid. She thought he was Cameron. So that supposed ‘kindred spirit’ thing she keeps going on about is based off of false information. When she thought it was Cameron on the roof, she was going to shoot Johnny in the back of the head in 1x08. Doesn’t sound like she had any idea who she was talking to, or who she supposedly had a connection with, and considering the episode ends with her telling her minion ‘she picked the wrong brother’. Up until Cameron had no idea what she was talking about when she mentioned Iceland, she thought her ‘soulmate’ was Cameron. Even when she’s talking to Jonathan at the bar in the finale, when it shows how they met the second time, she thinks she’s talking to Cameron, because at this point, she doesn’t know there’s two of them. Which means her connection she thinks she sees is the one where they’re kids doomed to the life their parents laid out for them. 

2) No, I don’t think Jonathan has it in for Cameron. Anyone who has siblings knows you can hate one another, but if an outsider butts in, all bets are off. I can call my sister a jerk. You call my sister a jerk, and you’re losing teeth. And I think Jonathan has been told his whole life how to feel about his brother by other people. You can even see the change in him when he hears Cameron whine that MW electrocuted him earlier in the day. Or when Cameron accuses Johnny of betraying him. Siblings are complicated. But when some Senorita Psycho shows up to try and kill your brother because of something the father you hated did 20 years ago? Suddenly shit gets kinda simple. Also, his first reaction when he’s been arrested for ‘murder’ (don’t even get me started how mad I am at the case presented by the FBI) is to point out that whoever set him up wasn’t setting him up, they were setting Cameron up, because no one even knew Jonathan existed - which includes MW at this point. 

3) Jonathan has knowledge that MW doesn’t. She thinks Cameron is just like Sebastian, and she’s been holding a grudge against him (technically, against Jonathan, since he was the one Sebastian warned her away from) ever since. Her speech to him about being truly happy in Iceland away from Cameron for the first time is entirely BS because of information we as the audience already know: that she didn’t know who she was talking to at the time. She is a master manipulator who is more than a little unhinged and wants to cause harm to Cameron - which is what she intends by pitting them against one another. But her plan hinges entirely on convincing Jonathan they have this magic connection of hating Cameron. Jonathan isn’t stupid. Annoyed, yeah. Pissed off, sure. But Jonathan is just as much to blame for sticking it out after Sebastian died as Cameron is. Johnny could’ve walked. He could’ve left. He could’ve told the whole world that he existed. But he didn’t. The only thing that makes sense is that he loves his brother more than he hates the life. Again - siblings are weird. We do stupid shit for love of siblings that we would never do for anyone else (parents included). And here’s the important part: Jonathan knows what it was like for Cameron growing up with Sebastian. Where MW thinks that Cameron was Sebastian’s darling angel that he didn’t want mixing with the rabble and that he was ‘too good’ for her. The only flashbacks we have are 1) Sebastian purposely endangering Cameron during a bank heist when he was a little kid [no, just because Sebastian was the man behind it doesn’t mean that things couldn’t have gone wrong - it was a heist - and people had guns] and 2) Sebastian locked Cameron in a small, dark container with his hands cuffed and then left him for hours to teach him to get over his anxiety and learn to do a trick more proficiently. Even talking about their childhood, Cameron points out how badly their dad fucked them up. The biggest difference was that Jonathan didn’t care about Sebastian’s approval, but Cameron did. He also knows that the woman Cameron loved left him because she thought Cameron was cheating on her - and instead, it was because Cameron was spending time with Jonathan and didn’t tell her. Having that knowledge means he would know off the bat that MW’s issues with Cameron were based entirely off a delusion or perceived ancient insult when she was 11. 

4) Mystery Woman canonically takes things out of context. She saw Sebastian Black as a ‘father figure’ despite knowing him for a perceived...five days? Give or take? He showed her one coin trick and gave her a quarter and that was about it. She insists that she and Johnny have a connection based on a conversation he doesn’t remember at all until she mentions the coin - which, he was right, was Sebastian’s, he’d just given it to her first. It could be argued that Jonathan lied about not remembering anything from Iceland, but why lie to Kay when she asked him about it? At that point, MW had just tried to trick him into killing Cameron. He was prepared to shoot her that afternoon as she fled the scene. This momentous point in her history that is the basis for her vendetta against Cameron is hardly even a blip in Jonathan’s memory. I think she’s hands down crazy, and not the kind that would be fixed with therapy and some going prescription drugs. I think she is her mother’s daughter, she wants the money that Alistair hid and presumably Sebastian has been adding to over the years and she’s now found a way to simultaneously hurt Cameron and get access to it. 

Whew. That looks like a lot of griping. I suppose it technically is, but you know what? I love Johnny and I love Cameron, and people can pry the head canon that Jonathan is trying to beat MW at her own game from my cold, dead hands. 

[survivoraqualand]

EPISODE 8: All The Men In This Game Are Frustrating

After their dramatic first merge Council, the players were tasked with testing their loyalty and relationships even further in a paired-up immunity challenge called Prisoner’s Dilemma. Each randomly assigned pair went on call with the hosts and had to decide privately whether to trust their partner or betray them. If both trusted each other, they’d both get a Hotel visit; if only one trusted, the one who betrayed would win two visits; and if both chose to betray, they’d get nothing. Despite the strategic rifts between many players, nearly all of them chose to trust each other in this challenge - the only ones who betrayed were Rose and Jessica, disqualifying each other from getting a reward.

Because that wasn’t enough drama, the immunity challenge was Touchy Subjects. The person who overwhelmingly got the most positive answers from the team was Jenna, who also won immunity to help make that target on her back even prettier. Jessica got most of the more negative answers, Linus got a bit of a Fabio edit, MJ was named the person who never shut up (and promptly proved that point in the team chat), and Logan was named a master pie-eater.

Meanwhile, there were several more visits to the once-again-renovated Transcontinental Hotel, where the “???” elevator button was replaced with a “!!!” button that when unlocked with the correct passcode would take players to a hidden shrine room where they received a clue that told them they must transform pearls into shells. The only ones who made real progress with this discovery this round were the alliance of Jenna, Marg, and Logan, who managed to get through the door and figured out how to convert two out of the five pearls they needed to make something else happen, though mostly by accident.

At Sea Council, the vote was shuffled around several times, with every single eligible person having their name thrown out at some point. The initial consensus was to do a split vote between Katie and Jess, but MJ, unhappy with this plan, decided to go rogue and attempt a blindside of Marg - which would have worked had Linus not spilled the beans to Jenna, causing their alliance to become frustrated with MJ and decide to all vote for Jess. Marg played their idol for Logan, unaware that the opposing votes were actually on them, but Jessica ended up going home in a 5-3 vote.

JENNA

Okay all I know right now is that somehow Katie, linden, and jess found out about the 3-3-3 vote. Mj told Jess about the extra vote on Linus which why would he do that if he wasn't trying to work with her? Someone voted Linus and wont own up to it. I told Linus to throw his vote on Jess cause i was worried about his extra vote incase his idol thing didn't work (which he did tell me about). I thought it'd be 4-4-2-1 so i am confused? Jess told me she katie got the idol from the monster, I know katie gave hers to jess last round so that's a lie. Jess told me everyone said they were planning on voting me this next round if I don't win immunity. Logan hold he never told that to Jess at all? The only person I can think that would vote Linus would be Mj but why not own up to it? I am overall very confused still but I am glad Linden left. It's all a they said they said type of vibe which makes things a lot harder. I haven't ~fully lied to anyone because I was confused on the vote and I did hope Linden would go... I'm sure it'll catch up to me I just hope I can be a ghost.

JESSICA

Last round was all over the place! I finally used my hotel tickets and I found an idol which is great. Then, despite telling Logan and Marg basically every thought that occurs in my head in this game, I hear from MJ that they are all planning to split the vote between me and Linden because people think we're a trio with Katie. I personally think this is a horrible move because Linus literally lies to every single person all day and I give Marg/Logan a lot of intel but?? Okay! So I asked MJ to please not vote for me and vote for Linus instead and he said sure. He also told me Linus has a penalty vote so even if everyone else votes for me, I won't go home because it will tie. We're thinking it's going to be 5 Linus - 3 Linden - 2 Me (and 1 Katie, but that didn't really matter). I give Katie the idol just in case I get voted out because I'd rather it stay with her! Unfortunately, Linus also had an advantage that he played and then he was safe. I originally told Katie not to play the idol on me and let's just risk it but she did so now I am still in the game and Linden is out :( 

I don't really know where to go from here because there isn't much else I can do to convince people I'm really not playing that hard slash at all. I usually only show up for ~an hour a day, talk to everyone, say yes to whatever the first plan I hear is and then that's it but for some reason people are convinced I'm the player to beat??? I told Jenna that if she tries to vote me again she will regret it FOREVER. Okay I didn't say that but I did say if I leave she is definitely out next because everyone is threatened by her. She doesn't know who voted Linus and I'm not telling her either! 

LINUS

I suspect nearly everyone will trust in this reward challenge. Jessica, Katie, Rose, and MJ are the only ones who it would benefit to not trust, and even then there’s pros and cons. Jessica and Katie probably feel a bit cornered after last round, I don’t know if I actually think they are or not, but they would have reason to feel that way and think advantages are their best path forward. MJ and Rose by extension have reason to think that they are going to be betrayed, so it would be defensive 

I also think MJ is a bit more sneaky than he’ll probably get credit for due to his inactivity, but as early as that schoolyard pick for teams he was telling Logan about a girls alliance and trying to game the ceto’s to go for girls. I’ve seen players like him before, and although he isn’t socially doing a ton, I suspect he is very invested in the hotel, probably has advantages already and would like to push for more. 

I could see Logan doing some jumping around alliance wise, but it would be showing his hand too much if he burnt trust for a mere reward. Marg and Jenna both have reason to want the other to like them right now, so it would likely hurt either of them to betray. 

I’d say odds are 

Trust Jenna (90%) Marg (90%) Logan (75%) Linus (100%) (just since I know what I did) Rose (60%) (rose should betray, but I think since she’s pretty inact she might trust just so no one holds a grudge against her and it allows her to go as far as possible). Betray MJ (70%) Jessica (75%) Katie (60%) (Katie tries to present an appearance of siding with whoever she is talking to even if what she’s saying makes no sense for them to believe her, so she could do that here).

MARG

MJ

STILL LOCKED OUT? DON'T FEAR OR FUME / YOU NEED A MUSICIAN, A PLANT, A COSTUME 

First name = the musician Genus = whatever the plant is? Appendage = wings (from the crow costume) I feel like genus has to be referring to Nelumbo nucifera even though that also refers to the lotus which granted another visit but a genus name isn't provided anywhere else in the hotel 

I think I have to inspect the sheet music at that piano like maybe a name is written on the back of it or something from the bulletin board: "It's covered in a variety of colorful sticky notes, mostly with illegible words. You can make out some of them, though, including "If we shadows have offended, think but this and all is mended," "F5 is the good stuff," "nelumbo nucifera," "new schedule next week," the word "RETURN" over & over, and a crude drawing of a whale." 

F5 = vending machine = ceto idol presumably seeing as u wouldnt give it to me at the time nelumbo nucifera = the lotus flower in the garden that granted another visit AND POTENTIALLY the "genus" name needed for the !!! code new schedule next week = idfk i really dont. return = see above whale drawing = see above

I talked to Jenna about this but I think F5 = Ceto idol Metal box = Proteus idol 11 pearls = sapphire idol DUNNO = 50/50 coin = found by rhea and transferred to linus Releasing the monster = one idol per team = played by jess and linden ??? = idol claimed to be found by jess but i think this is the one katie played on jess at the merge vote !!! has to be a new idol so i think the ceto idol and the proteus idol are both still in play and i think marg has the f5 one 

idk who has the proteus idol could be anyone rlly

JESSICA

One day I will win touchy subjects by saying someone's name for every answer.... that day is not today!

JENNA

I am again not really sure what to do this vote. Marg told me Logan wanted MJ out but Logan didn't mention that to me at all. MJ said he'd want Logan or Marg out but I said this round doesn't make sense for that. So MJ suggested doing a split vote and just not telling Linus, Marg, or Logan, which doesn't make a ton of sense to me either. Also why would MJ wanna do that unless he either 1. actually thought Marg or Logan voted Linus last time or 2. he has his own plan somehow?? Logan said he's worried I'm gonna be blindsided next vote which is fun. Jess and Katie told me they wouldn't vote for me if I don't vote for them this round and part of me wants to take them up on that???? But I don't see MJ working with Marg so a blindside would really have to come from Linus and Rose going with MJ or Marg. Or Logan doing it which I would hope he's not lying to me so i don't know. 

Marg is honestly playing a really good game and I could see them being the one who voted Linus last time just to cause chaos. And as far as I can tell Linus and Rose like Marg as well because they were both saying they trust Marg. Marg is worried about Logan supposedly and Logan is worried about Marg blindsiding me supposedly as well? I'm still not sure what MJ's end goal is. I got the most likely to win and biggest hero thing for touchy subjects which isn't great. And I won again which is fine but all those are more reason for people to want me out. I don't know how to explain to Marg I don't really care if I win since I've won before... Part of me thinks I should just become a ghost because that way I can help people and not worry about the vote... but it's hard cause I don't rly wanna vote out MJ or even Katie and that would force me to do that whereas if i'm just gone I wouldn't have to worry about it. I don't really want Katie to go this round, partially because she's literally getting surgery and it feels bad to vote for her when she's not even here to save herself. 

MJ wants to get out Jess with the split vote supposedly, which I do kinda believe him? But it makes me wonder why he doesn't want Katie out. Does he have some end game plan with her?? Also MJ shared a watch tower clue with me to figure out the new !!! room in the game and I got in but can't figure out the rest. I told MJ about it and I also told Marg which I'm not sure was the right move or not now but i don't know. Marg told me we shouldn't tell Logan incase Logan tells Jess but I think I'm going to now because I don't know who I should trust and if I made the wrong call on MJ or Marg I might as well risk making the wrong one on Logan too. No ones really online and I think the hard part is I don't know what Rose or Linus are thinking long term so i don't know if they'd wanna get me out or not. Anyway I'm sure I have too many confessionals but whatever! I think I'll probably tell Marg and Logan about MJ splitting the vote and see if I can convince them to let me do it with him so for next vote they have a reason to get him out and he would hopefully tell me his plan so I can keep them updated as well. I don't know if they'll go for it though I think they'll want Katie out even more.

MJ

stan jenna :)

JESSICA’S FINAL WORDS

This game has my favourite idol system ever! I love Ari and Josh and all the creativity that went into this game. 

[helloanime247-blog]

For the One Piece character question thing, I'm gonna give you: 1. Monkey D. Luffy, 2. Nico Robin, 3. X Drake, 4. Jinbe, 5. Gecko Moria, 6. Buggy, 7. Aokiji, 8. Akainu, 9. Tashigi, 10. Marco, 11. Magellan, 12. Shirahoshi, 13. Momonosuke, 14. Monet, and 15. Bartolomeo! :P Sorry, stole some of the ones you asked me, you just picked great ones!! XD

1. MonkeyD. Luffy: Whatis your dream job?

I honestly have no idea and it seriously kills me that I appear to be wandering around aimlessly not knowing what my dream job is!! :( I really just want a job where I go to work everyday and feel both happy (and incredibly lucky) that this is my job!! I’m still waiting for some ‘sign’ to tell me what my vocation in life is.....hahahaha!! Unfortunately, I must endure my current misery until that ‘eureka’ moment comes along. :P Maybe Gintoki will hire me to work as part of his Odd Jobs gang!! ;) :P

2. NicoRobin:What was the first book that you can remember reading?

I remember the first books that I ever borrowed from my local library were ‘The Famous Five’ series by Enid Blyton. I was just blown away by the adventures that they went on! I always craved adventure and I still do....I would love to (one day) go on some sort of epic adventure myself! :D

I also discovered ‘The Harry Potter’ series when I about seven years old. I remember going into town with my Mum and picking up ‘Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone’. I saved up my pocket money to buy it and when I got home I distinctly recall sitting on my bed to begin reading it. I couldn’t put it down, my Mum kept calling me to eat my dinner, but I kept refusing to go downstairs. I finished the book before I went to bed, I was such a weird child! XD

3. XDrake: Ifyour dad was a pirate, and you were captured by Marines would youserve for them?

No, I don’t think I would, as I really hate the Marines. I’m only on episode 27 of ‘One Piece’ so my knowledge of them is still a little bit hazy. However, in the earlier episodes I came across a Marine called Fullbody and he was such a despicable human being. He was both arrogant and nasty, if there are two traits that I absolutely cannot abide in a person....it’s definitely those two. Fullbody acted as if he was better than everybody else, which was ultimately his downfall, as Sanji’s reaction was AMAZING. Sanji certainly used some words of wisdom to bring Fullbody down a peg or two, which he most definitely deserved.

4. Jinbe:Would you take up Luffy’s offer to be in the crew or act as anally?

I would definitely love to be part of Luffy’s crew!! I already mentioned that I have a thirst for adventure, so what would be a better way to quench this thirst than to set sail with Luffy and his gang of pirates! It’s always said that sometimes the journey is more important than the destination. This would certainly be true if I could become a member of the straw hats. I mean, it would be great to find the elusive treasure that is named one piece, however, it would also be pretty great to be able to be friends with Luffy and the rest of the gang! Also, as we would be setting sail and having so many adventures along the way.....life would indeed be wonderful!!

5. GeckoMoria: Areyou fan of horror movies?  If not, what was your worstexperience.

I am most definitely not a fan of horror movies, I like psychological thrillers, but the horror genre is most definitely not my thing. Emmmmmmm.......my worst experience was probably more embarrassing than anything else!! I remember I went to see a horror movie with my friend, unlike me he’s obsessed with this film genre! I can’t recall the name of the film that we went to see, but it was terrible....and when I say terrible, I mean terribly bad! Anyway, this really ridiculous moment happened in the film.....and I screamed so loudly......and nobody else screamed at all........everybody started laughing!! I immediately went bright red, and in that moment, I just wanted to leave the cinema! XD

6. Buggy:Are you a leader or a follower?

I have my own beliefs, my own opinions and my own way of dressing! If anybody goes against what I believe in, then I will engage in a lively debate with them! I will never willingly accept what another person says to me to be the ‘Gospel truth’! I like to think of myself as being able to independently evaluate a situation for myself.....that doesn’t mean to say that my mind can’t be changed. However, you must present a good case for me to undergo this change of mind. I don’t know if that’s necessarily being a leader, I think it’s just more of a case of being true to yourself.

I used to always be a follower when I was younger, as my first friend was a bit of a bully towards me! I think that negatively impacted on my self-confidence, as we were friends from junior infants up until first class. When I finally stood up to her....it was one of the best things that I have ever done and from that point on I told myself that nobody would treat me like that again. 

7. Aokiji: Wouldyou throw away all position and power in your job because you don’tagree with the ethics of the organization?

Yes, I actually think I would!! I have certain core beliefs that are like my foundation stones which guide me through life....almost like a moral compass. I would like to think that no amount of power could corrupt me into accepting unacceptable ethical practices by any organisation. 

I was once involved in such a situation where I tackled one of my teachers over his absolutely appalling views on animal rights. From that moment on.....he HATED me with a passion.......he really turned on me! He actually told my Mum that I was too headstrong for my own good......!! 

8. Akainu:What kind of justice do you believe in?

I believe that if you commit a crime then you should be made pay for your actions! Of course in an ideal world there would be peace and everybody would be able to live in harmony with each other! Unfortunately, this type of world is non-existent, therefore, certain measures must be put in place in order to prevent things such as murder from occurring! If these measures didn't exist, then society as we know it would descend into a state of lawlessness. People themselves have different beliefs as to what is right and what is wrong. This is why we look to those in power to guide us in the right direction as to what is the proper conduct. We all know that government officials, the police force etc are corruptible! This means that often those who should pay for their evil deeds end up not paying for their crimes. Unfortunately, money seems to be the deciding factor in determining whether or not a person does indeed go to jail for their crime. I personally feel as if we should treat others as we wish to be treated ourselves. Our moral compass should guide us through life and we should have the presence of mind to know right from wrong. If somebody carries out a premeditated murder then they should pay for their actions by spending the rest of their life in jail! 

9. Tashigi:Do people ever tell you that you look like someone they know?

Emmmmmmmm....no......I don’t think that anyone has ever told that I look like somebody else!! :( I did once get mistaken for being a boy though, does that count??!! :P If you have any ideas about who I may look like.....please tell me!! :P

10. Marco:If you could have any devil fruit, what would it be?

I had to look up the different types of devil fruit that are available....and out of all of them....I would probably eat Ope Ope no Mi, as it definitely seems like the most useful fruit! 

11. Magellan:Are you allergic to anything?

Yes, I’m allergic to pollen, as I suffer with hay fever! :( I have a spray that I use whenever I get a headache or sore eyes! It also means that I normally don’t wear perfume, I especially try to avoid perfume whenever I have to study....as my brain wouldn’t be able to function at all!!

12. Shirahoshi:Do you hold grudges?

Emmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm......yes.....I hold grudges....eeeekkkk! I once had an argument with my friend that lasted a couple of months!! I was just so angry with her that I didn’t want to see her at all!! XD 

I also used to hold a grudge against people who had hurt me in the past, however, I slowly realised that this type of grudge was hurting me more than them, so I gradually learned to overcome it! Sometimes you need to move on for your own sake!

13. Momonosuke: Whenwas the last time that you had a nightmare?

Thankfully, I haven’t had a nightmare in quite a long time! However, I do have a recurring one where I’m being chased by a witch! I spend that entire nightmare running and running away from her! I always wake up in a cold sweat from that dream! XD

14. Monet:Do you enjoy writing?  Share a snippet?

Yes, I love writing!! It’s one of my favourite hobbies! :D Emmmmmmm.......I would be too nervous to share a snippet......but I will tell you that I’m currently writing a novel based during the Second World War! I love German history and I’m especially interested in politics! Therefore, it’s a story about the struggle of a Jewish family, who are living in fascist Germany! It documents their desire to escape from this society, however, will they be able to escape in time to avoid being sentenced to death??!!

15. Bartolomeo:Are you massively obsessed with something?

Yes.....I’m obsessed with anime guys......I really wish I was joking when I say that! :P

I’m also currently obsessed with collecting anime figures!! I check the websites of both AmiAmi and Mandarake at least once a day! HELP ME!! 

Finally, I love anime so much! I tend to incorporate watching anime into my daily routine!! XD

Thanks for asking me these questions, Sophie! @akatsuki3519

[chantellehere]

Books I’ve read since I arrived Paris

Originally this was going to be an end of year post about books I’ve read up until that point. Alas no, I never got around to typing this blog post up and left it until now, on a supposedly snowy day in January (currently looking out of the window for the snow that has yet to fall). So here are all the books I have read from when I arrived in September, until now.

1) The Moth: All These Wonders

Back in the Summer, I did a book exchange with a friend back home. I sent her The Time Travellers’ Wife and in return, she gave me two books, both of which turned out to be amazing collections of short stories, not something that I would normally go for. This is perhaps my favourite out of the two. The Moth is originally a podcast for storytellers to share their stories, real stories. This is a collection of 49 new true stories from people who have experienced all kinds of things in life, from the loss of a loved one to growing up in multiple foster homes. The most poignant story was the very last one, called Forgiveness, by Hector Black, who relays the journey of how he came to forgive the rapist and murderer of his daughter. I was so shocked at how big his heart was and how he found it in him to forgive someone who has done such unforgivable wrong to him. It also made me feel ashamed for holding grudges against others, who thankfully has not done anything nearly as bad to me as what Hector has experienced. The fact that each story is true and lived makes the book even more interesting than it already is. It’s a wonderful, eye-opening book that makes you see things and consider the world from a fresh renewed perspective.

2) Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking by Malcolm Gladwell

This is the third book from the writer that I have read. Blink talks about how we make snap judgments and why sometimes, these instantaneous feelings can be more right than heavily researched opinions. Malcolm Gladwell is no doubt an excellent author, and he makes all these scientific and fact heavy topics accessible, constantly making comparisons to real life scenarios and linking examples and case studies back to each other, reinforcing his findings, allowing the information to stick better. If you’re new to non-fiction, his are a great start because his writing is so accessible and not patronising in the slightest!

3) How to Be Parisian Wherever You are: Love, Style, and Bad Habits

Here’s a blog post dedicated to this book. All in all, it is an easy read, brilliantly funny and true

4) How to be both - Ali Smith

I am not a fussy reader but this book has left me so confused. It was highly recommended by other people on the internet and seems to always be on the chart and so I picked it up months ago, excited to finally read it. The story, its structure and its narrative - nothing makes sense to me and I have never looked forward to finishing a book more quickly just to get it over and done with (I don’t like starting and not finishing a book). Not on my list of recommendation, yet don’t let me stop you from giving it a go.

5) You Are a  Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life - Jen Sincero

A cult self-help book, which started off cringely optimistic but ended up being quite good. I wouldn’t say it stands out that much from other self-help books, in the sense that they all seem to be talking about similar things, giving similar advice and also reiterating things that you should know but do not have the self-discipline to already have done it. The tone is motivating, but at first, it can come off as cringy and very American. I like the fact that it recaps the main point after each chapter, which is quite helpful if you were to put everything she says in action. What I took home was the most repeated advise at the end of each chapter: Love yourself.

6) Everything I Never Told You - Celeste Ng

The fact that this is written by an American-Chinese author made me love the story even better. This story follows an American-Chinese family after the death of their daughter. It talks about the racism that Asians faces and the difficulties that mix-raced children experience growing up, as well as problems arising between the parents because of the different upbringing, social and cultural background. I find part of the stories relatable (like the pressure and expectations from parents, family dynamic etc), which makes it all the more interesting and intriguing, the fact that someone else (the author) understands! Celeste Ng writes so well I can’t wait to read more of her books.

7) Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race - Reni Eddo-Lodge

As pointed out by the author, racism (especially in relation to Black people) is usually discussed in the context of American history. Reni has done many research and interviews to shed light on why race in Britain deserves just as much discussion and awareness, touching on black history, and the link between racism and feminism. She also suggests practical approaches to acknowledge and counter racism in our world today. This is such an informative and educational read, one that is desperately needed in our society today, given the political events that have happened over the recent years.

8) A Little Life - Hanya Yanagihara

Before I was even halfway through the book, it has already become one of my all-time favourites. This book follows the life of four friends, four American male characters and their lives over the decades. This book covers everything you wish for in a book: love, jealousy, friendship, guilt, trauma... It’s not often that you’d come across a book this thick and whisk through it so quickly that 720 pages do not seem long enough. The writing flows so well and even though I was juggling between two books at the start (because I needed a lighter book to take with me on the metro), I had no problem getting back into this one every time I picked it up again and very soon, I couldn’t put it down and was extremely sad to finish it (both because of the story and also knowing that I will have a hard time searching for something as good as this book)

9) The Tattooist of Auschwitz - Heather Morris

I finished this in a day - a true and touching love story between Lale and Gita, written in the form of a diary. Lale retold and entrusted his experience in the Camp to Heather Morris, who effectively replicated it in a convincing and persuasive piece. Although not as heavy as Anne Frank’s Diary, since it is historical fiction, rather than an autobiography, you’d be shocked at how much the couple has gone through, individually and separately and how miraculous their love story was. Reading Heather recounting her meetings with Lale and his son, you can believe she has done so much to stick to the truth while adding certain elements in the book to recreate the suspense and drama. If you enjoy The Book Thief and All the Lights We Cannot See, you’ll enjoy it.

10) Why Social Media Is Ruining Your Life - Katherine Ormerod

I heard about this book on this episode of the Ctl, Alt Delete podcast hosted by Emma Gannon. Her interview with Katherine Ormerod opened my eyes (ears) to see (hear) the truth behind these glamours Instagram accounts, which I already know, but not to this extent. The book elaborates on it, sure it tells you things that you should already know, but more than that, it’s packed with interviews and quotes from real life bloggers talking about the prices they pay to ‘live’ the life they have, plus, Katherine has lived and is still living that life herself, and so this book is full of first hand experiences. It’s also divided into sections, linking social media to motherhood, politics and work etc. It’s an informative read for sure and even more so in this age where social media is so dominating.

11) The Paris Wife - Paula McLain

I got this book from Shakespeare and Company, for the stamp and also, since I am in Paris, I thought I should read something that is set here. This book was one of the ones that caught my eye, from the many lists of ‘Books set in Paris’ that I googled and consulted. Written from Hemingway’s first wife, Hedley’s, point of view, I find it difficult to separate myself from the book. I find myself constantly bringing my anger towards the male characters and sympathy for the narrator to life, through the conversations I have with my boyfriend, projecting and magnifying my despise for the male characters onto others in real life (for that, I apologise.) But this just goes on to show how great the writing is and how easy it is to sympathise and get lost in the book. I have become obsessed with Ernest Hemingway’s life, in particular, his relationships with women and I reminded myself to re-read another book on the infamous writer and his wives, Mrs Hemingway by Naomi Wood.

[justgothehellhome]

Little Rant about BPD.

So I figured I’d finally discuss something I rarely discuss, but it’s been on my mind alot. I noticed alot of people throwing around the diagnosis “BPD” alot. As if it’s some cool thing to have. Borderline Personality Disorder is not a trend. SO that being said here’s a typical list of what it’s like having Borderline Personality Disorder along with a few little facts.

1. I either feel way too much or nothing at all.. complete numbness. 2. Even though I have done years of intensive therapy and am on my 2nd year of DBT I still struggle processing my emotions and talking about them in a healthy manner. 3. Relationships ESPECIALLY romantic ones are very hard for me. Alot of it is hot and cold then ends with me smothering the person or being scared I’ll smother them and then that they’ll leave. 4. I constantly romantically get involved with people who treat me poorly, this is what I’m use to. Recently I’ve been getting involved with someone new and it’s constantly me testing their limits and seeing how far I can push. There’s many tests and they’re so nice that it actually makes me angry. - Very confusing. 5. Emotions for me are weakness as is crying.. feeling love is a sign of weakness in yet I want to drown people with it. 6. Alot of my behaviors have improved through treatment: I no longer abuse hard substances/drugs nor drink heavily (as much) I have struggled with a self harm addiction for 10 years and am now 6 months clean (I had a few slips) 7. However as I said for number 6, there’s still some behaviors I hold on to as they have lived with me throughout my whole life and developing a identity without them scares me: My Bulimia. I am in my third round of treatment for it and I’m scared. 8. Sometimes in order for me to not get hurt I will purposely drive people away and then cry and be devastated once they’re gone…this happens alot. 9. Sometimes I leave first because I am beginning to feel and I don’t want to be left and have these feelings and just I’m scared of all these feelings and me. 10. I often am okay and then suddenly I’m not and am very nasty, irritable and hurtful to people who are very close to me. 11. I can not stand seeing someone upset..I will obsessively try to fix it, fix them and blame myself if I can’t and even ask 20-30 times if I did something…you can say I didn’t, but I will still obsess over it. 12. Sometimes I am still so disgusted with myself that I want to tear my skin off and scream. 13. I use to be really spiteful especially with lovers. In a way maybe it was manipulative. When my ex and I lived together and we would get in a fight and then I would give him the silent treatment and lock myself in the bathroom until he would beg and cry for me to talk to him. - He was always scared I was cutting. However our relationship was a very “I hate you, don’t leave me” relationship. Parts of me wondered if he suffered from BPD as well for different reasons. 14. It took me a very LONG TIME to break away from suicidal tendencies. The thoughts sometimes come and go, but they are no longer acts. 15. For a long time self harm/cutting was the only way for me to feel okay. Sometimes it kept my emotions in check, sometimes it was because I was angry and needed to calm down, sometimes I was punishing myself. 16. I have had traumatic life experiences happen to me involving physical/emotional abuse, neglect, and sexual abuse as a child along with other tragic situations that lead me to develop PTSD. 17. Sometimes if I’m so emotionally stressed/hyped I will dissociate and not know it. 18. Friendships are VERY difficult with me, as I am a possessive jealous friend. And it confuses me. 19. I still struggle with thinking people are talking about me/laughing at me or hate me. This makes work hard but I manage. 20. Before DBT and various forms of treatment I could not hold down a job and had a fear of being alone anywhere. Now my job is very successful. 21. I struggle with perfection and AM OVERLY hard on myself even if you say I didn’t disappoint you..I feel like I did. 22. Being left/abandoned is my BIGGEST trigger and can still lead me to emotional episodes/spirals. 23. I hate being yelled at but can never tell if I’m yelling…I don’t mean to and I don’t know I am. All I know is I’m emotionally stressed and overwhelmed. 24. If I’m having a crying episode, do not leave nor insult or yell at me this will trigger an extremely emotional response and could lead to me attempting to use unhelpful coping skills. 25. I don’t mean to insult you, I don’t. I don’t mean to be this way, just don’t leave. I’m sorry I put you on a pedestal and rip it out from underneath constantly. 26. Love me unconditionally scars and all even if I am too afraid to feel anything. 27. My friend once described me and our relationship like this “Kayla I walk on eggshells around you constantly and I feel like sorry is never enough. Like let’s say we’re throwing rocks and one rock bounces off an object and hits you and I apologize, but you’re so upset and blame everything on me and tell me you hate me. Even though it was an accident you’re convinced it was done on purpose.” -Our friendship was never easy, I’m not easy. 28. I get bad days where I just cry and hate myself and am too scared to look in the mirror, I’ll ask you for reassurance 80 times, don’t get annoyed. 29. If I’m telling you something, do not reply with one word. Instantly I will feel as if I’m a burden, annoyed you/upset you, that you’re angry at me and think I’m pathetic and hate me now. 30. Even in a argument I will not stop talking, I will go on and on until I receive a response. This argument will later lead to me sincerely apologizing a million times. 31. I genuinely do want to get better and improve but there’s some things I worry that will not successfully be improved..alot of it revolves around my communication, thought process and emotional response. 32. I do take medication to treat my SYMPTOMS. However no medication can actually treat BPD. Anti depressants can be taken for depression, anxiety medication for anxiety, etc, but no medication can truly treat BPD. BPD improves over time with the correct treatment. 33. My treatment is a mix of psycho therapy, CBT & DBT along with EMDR/Trauma therapy and seeing a eating disorder nutritionist along with psychiatrist. - I am lucky I can afford and receive this help as many can not or are simply not ready for that step. 34. There’s a constant need and seek of approval in me and if I don’t get it I obsess over it and get scared. 35. I can’t stand it when people hate me, it kills me. But if I hate you, then well in my head you simply fell off the face of the earth..even if I do text you to tell you how much I hate you. 36. I am insecure with a big heart who has given pieces of herself to many people and who has even tried to find herself in broken people. In the end I am still fragile, but also venomous and ready to strike at any second. I need reassurance, comfort and for you to be patient even as I spit venom. 37. My life in treatment now revolves around Wise Mind VS. Emotional Mind VS. Reasonable Mind.. except my mind is in mostly an emotional space..oops. 38. In a sense my family and I are almost estranged, but have a love hate relationship. 39. I grew up with a mother who has untreated Borderline Personality Disorder, so that love/hate along with hot/cold runs wild between us even as we hold onto old grudges and use them against each other constantly. 40. At 16, I couldn’t be home anymore so I dropped out of highschool and moved out. This was the best option for me as my behavior was overwhelming and I needed high emotional care/affection and that was something my family could not give me due to the “emotions=weakness” moto in my family 41. I spend alot of time over thinking/ over analysing my actions and words along with others and things that they’ve said (whether real or imagined/me reading in between the lines or thinking/assuming what was truly said. 42. Borderline isn’t “cool.” This is not a cool thing, as I have permanently damaged my body, have hurt many along with allowed them to do the same, attempted suicide 6 times and had to literally learn to resist suicidal tendencies/day dreams. Constant need for validation and attention then becoming uncomfortable and feeling smothered when it’s there is overwhelming. Intense emotions are overwhelming.

[marshmallow-the-vampire-slayer]

MTVS Epic Rewatch #163

BTVS 6x12 Doublemeat Palace

1) I think we can all agree that Doublemeat Palace is not going to go down in television history as one of the most iconic episodes of the century. But you know what? It’s not that bad. Or, at least, it’s not worse than other bad Buffy episodes, you know? There are some funny moments here and there, some big stuff for Willow’s season arc, and it gave us the opportunity to get all those lame dick jokes out of our system.

So, to celebrate the badness that is Doublemeat Palace, send me your favorite dick jokes that remind you of this episode. You know, just keep it classy. Or not? 

2) Willow was practically drooling as she described all the magic stuff they’d found at the Trio’s lair, which makes me wonder whether some of the stuff Amy told her at the end of the episode was really that farfetched or she was actually quite on point.

3) And after, what, three seasons? we finally get an answer as regards Anya’s source of income...

ANYA: When I was a vengeance demon, I caused pain and mayhem, certainly. But I put in a full day's work doing it, and I got compensated appropriately.

4) Cutest Buffy ever!

5) If there is one thing this episode does right is recreating the oppressive and gloomy atmosphere that pervades dead-end jobs in the service industry.

6) This is such a small moment but I kinda love it. The scoobies show up at Buffy’s work to show some support, and Buffy’s like...

...genuinely happy and smiling for the first time in a long time?

7) You’re a pig, Spike.

8) And then...

SPIKE: You're not happy here. BUFFY: Please don't make this harder. SPIKE: You don't belong here. You're something... you're better than this. BUFFY: I need the money. SPIKE: I can get money. Walk with me now, come on. BUFFY: I... I need to go help Gary with the fries.

The way she quietly asks him to not make it harder on her is rather heartbreaking. She’s not telling him to fuck off, as she would normally do. In a way, she’s admitting that he kind of gets her, very much in spite of herself. He’s right: she’s not happy, and she doesn’t belong there. And you can tell that she needs to busy herself when he offers her an out because she’s actually considering it. 

9) You know what? I think Halfrek became a vengeance demon so that she could the dramatic entrance thing on a daily basis. I mean...

10) OMG I’M HALFREK!

HALFREK: So, um ... you're marrying that man with the large upper arms? ANYA: Yes. HALFREK: Why? ANYA: Well, because I love him. HALFREK: Hmm. ANYA: Oh, we're gonna be very happy together. HALFREK: Hmm. ANYA: What?

11) Do you get the feeling Buffy was embarrassed to have Spike see her in her Doublemeat Palace uniform in this scene? Just the way she quickly removes her hat once she sees him...

12) This is not the most scintillating love-making to have ever graced our screens... 

(I do love the “teamwork” poster next to them, quite appropriate...)

13) Okay, this is really sad?

WILLOW: D'you want something? 

AMY: Um... yeah... actually. I mean, I don't know if you wanted to keep it, or...

WILLOW: You want it? Really?

AMY: Well, yeah, you know, I mean... it's not much, but it's home. Or it was. I don't know, I guess it's stupid, but...

She calls it HOME. 

14) I’m so ashamed, this is literally how I highlighted texts back in college. My friends used to make fun of me because of it.

15) It’s really difficult for me to read Amy and her intentions. On the one hand, she actively seeks Willow’s company. On the other hand, she holds a grudge against her because in her eyes Willow didn’t try hard enough to break the spell that turned her into a rat. At moments, it seems like she’s truly lonely and is desperately seeking for a friend. Then, it kind of feels like she’s only trying to mess with Willow’s mind? I guess it’s possible that she was doing both.

AMY: So this is it, huh? This is... gonna be your life from now on?

WILLOW: What? No.

AMY: Well, you're never gonna do it again. Ever. You're never gonna... feel how it made you feel.

WILLOW: Don't think that's the way to look at it.

AMY: Hey Will? It's your birthday.

WILLOW: Um, no it isn't. But now that you mention it, Buffy is coming...

AMY: Potestas.

WILLOW: What? Amy...

AMY: It's a gift. It's magic... and it didn't come from you. It came from me. Completely legal. Enjoy.

I think she might have also felt like, by giving up magic, Willow was trying to show she was better than Amy, that she was above the whole thing. And Amy kind of wanted to drag her down to the mud with her. 

16) One of my favorite Buffy scenes, tbh.

(they shouldn’t have been able to hold her back, though)

17) This was funny!

18) I do love how hard Willow was trying to fight off the urge to use the magic Amy had given her and to shake it off of her system. It truly took a lot of force of will (unintended pun.) Considering she later came clean to Buffy about the whole thing, I wonder if it wouldn’t have been better if she had told them about it while she was going through it. Of course, I guess she feared they might judge her or blame her for it. (Or, maybe, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to pull through and she didn’t want them to witness it...)

19) Again with the sadness...

DAWN: Buffy's never gonna be a lawyer, or a doctor. Anything big. XANDER: She's a Slayer. She saves the whole world. That's way bigger. DAWN: But that means she's gonna have like crap jobs her entire life, right? Minimum wage stuff. I mean, I could still grow up to be anything. But for her ... this is it. XANDER: Okay, but maybe you'll be a lawyer or a doctor, and you can use all your money to support your deadbeat sister. DAWN: Oh, that's terrifically better. Thanks.

1) This shows a lot of growth for Dawn. Just one season ago, she was the annoying little sister who believed her big sis was leading a glamorous life because she was a superhero who in her eyes could get away with anything. She’s older now, and she understands that killing demons, kicking butt and saving the world is not all that’s been cracked up to be. There’s a very sad side to being The Only Girl in All the World Who, and Dawn is finally able to actually get that. Also, imagine how many times poor Buffy has probably considered the same gloomy future... 2) Xander actually said what I was thinking. Buffy may not be able to get that Normal Future, but Dawn could, and she could definitely help lighten Buffy’s burden on some fronts (plus, all Buffy ever wanted was for Dawn to have a future, so she’d be giving her big sister exactly what she wanted.)

20) In the end, Halfrek got in Anya’s head, which basically means neither Xander nor Anya were ready to get married. 

21) Ugh this old lady was such a dickhead...

(I know that joke has probably been made a thousand times, but I’m not gonna waste my good jokes on this crappy episode, right? Also, I couldn’t come up with anything better.)

22) Willow doesn’t really know if Buffy is listening, but she needs to get this off her chest anyway. Also, I really love that Buffy is the one she keeps turning to during all her hard times in season 6. I just kind of wish Buffy had done the same, you know? 

WILLOW: Buffy, there's more. Something happened today... i-it wasn't my fault. It was Amy's fault, but I feel so bad about it. It was Amy's power, but, but it felt like I was doing everything myself. And I couldn't stop. And now it's gone and I feel kinda shaky and... like I, I need it ... Buffy?

I think it was important for her to admit that she felt like she needed magic and that she was struggling not to use it. It’s all part of the journey of giving something up, right?

23) I find a lot of beauty in the fact that it’s the lesbian the one who chops off the dick...

...and the one who is most scared of it, too...

24) Buffy asking for her job back at the end of the episode breaks my heart :(

[yeolkeot]

a ping. for the past few days that’s all he heard. a sound ingrained in his mind for a number of reasons. it’s the closest to a game sound effect that he could get and it’s an excuse to get his fingers moving again. they sit unused in his pockets otherwise. unused or wrapped around a spray can as of late. right now his fingers hold a lollipop, envious of it’s effect. sugary sweet with want contrary to his own want, burning and bitter. how does one hold so much broken desire in their body. just ask kihyun, he holds it pretty loosely. the phone is next, flits into his palm with a new and burning itch. it’s another kind of want. a replacement.

( incoming: jaedone ) [ so, she kicked you out? shit man you wanna come crash as my place? ]

see that’s not entirely true. kihyun has a habit of being a compulsive liar yes, but this conclusion wasn’t drawn from deliberate lies. he’d just been a little misleading. his head hurts and the lollipop becomes too sweet for him to sit in the taste too long. he swipes his tongue across his lip, chapped and cracked with blood and wonders how to respond. he wonders if he should show up at jaehyun’s place, if he should crash it as he’s been given permission. crash it in the literal definition of the word. if he were to go he’d rupture the foundation of their relationship, whatever it was. kihyun was respectful as a hostess, even as a roommate, however he was not good to live with. his habits are unsuitable for someone who knows how to take care of themselves. despite both being college students jaehyun was better in that aspect.

he thinks of how to reword his sentences, thinks back to the previous messages. questions about where he’s been, questions about what he’s doing, how his holiday was. his holiday had gone downhill since his birthday week, broken by grudges and impulses from those grudges. kihyun may have had a part in destroying it but he doesn’t claim all the blame as much as he’d like to.

he opens the message to respond. he sees another.

( incoming: mother )

kihyun, you can’t hide out at the dorms forever. [ read 10:00am 12/31/16 ]

we don’t want to send jonghyun out looking for you. if I need to I will. [ read 10:13am 01/01/17 ]

turning off the tracker on your phone is being childish. [ read 09:12am 01/02/17 ]

please stop this and come home, you’ve already missed a week of lessons. [ read 3:56pm 01/09/17 ] 

your father is getting restless.  [ read 1:41pm 01/11/17 ]

do you need me to schedule a therapy session? I will just, come home. [ read 4:00am 01/13/17 ]

the story goes a little like this. 

he’s on a roll. he’s got a mountain following him everywhere he goes, picking him up, taking him to lessons, following his every move. he’s got eyes everywhere and he’s suffocated. the familiar kind of suffocation where he sits and lets it fester and clasp at his chest. 

he meets his therapist. he’s a little early. he’s a little giddy. a whole month without her, a whole month of games, a whole month of breathing.

his mother’s there. she’s talking. everyone’s talking lately. about him. about his performance. about his life as if he weren’t alive. for the moment they talk not knowing he’s there. for the moment they discuss relapse after relapse, they discuss his brain not like an experiment but more like a nuisance. they recount his privacy as if it were an allowance, his habits and episodes as if they coined it. kihyun thinks if his mom could she’d cut it out. it’s morbid and a little skewed in truth but he thinks it anyway. 

he’s impulsive. he’s always been. but this time he walks in, he smiles at their expressions. he cracks inside, threads unravel and he smiles. he holds his session like any other. smiles at his doctor and tells her he’s glad for when he loses control. he bares his teeth like a dog and he’s gnawing at the chain, methodically rather than ferociously. he leaves. he smiles at his mom and they go home.

kihyun doesn’t take much. he doesn’t move that fast either. one backpack. two pairs of shades, one jacket, some t-shirts, two pairs of jeans. bare essentials. he feels sixteen again.

when he leaves it’s right out the front door and he waves to the guards as he does.

so his mother didn’t kick him out. it’s not like the day she saw his hair and told him to fix it before stepping back into the house. what a day that’d been. she doesn’t say get out but there are parts of him she does wish he’d leave outside when he steps inside the house or by her side. that’s not explicitly stated but she wears disappointment just as well as any mother does. kihyun doesn’t know how to take things with a grain of salt.

he does take the offer with one though. he tries not to think of his bed or anyone else’s. he cozies up onto the mattress, ignores the smell, the rank and breathes the freedom instead. his fingers are a little stained and as she tries to reply he smiles at the fact. liberation is always a little painful at first.

( sms outgoing: jaedone ) [ thanks for the offer, but your place always smells like cheap cologne and you   [ always burn pancakes. I can’t stay with a person who burns pancakes.  [ she didn’t kick me out really but if anyone asks about me delete these messages okay? [ and tell eunbi to stop mass texting me I’m not dead for crying out loud. [ and and if you see a girl on campus with short pink hair? her name’s ahyeon? tell her I’m fine. [ yeah yeah I owe you for all these requests I know. ]

this is surprisingly easy. it’s not foreign at all. for the most part he’s mellowed out, comfort is an unfamiliar haze that he’s missed but when it settles he likes it. the phone is back in his jacket, lollipop back in his mouth and lighter between his fingers.

“hey we’re heading out.” everything’s immediate. quick. but it moves so slow and sweet against his body. he hops out, shudders to jacket on better and shoves the lighter away. he doesn’t ache, he doesn’t want. he seeks and he lives. he thinks everything’s going good.

40%, as of january 15, 2017.

[dirtyjazminrice]

1 - Who was the last person you texted? - My mom

2 - When is your birthday? - May 9

3 - Who do you want to be with right now? - I wish Ryan didn’t have to work tomorrow so we could be hanging out right now

4 - What sports do you play? - None

5 - Who is the first person in your contacts? - My aunt Diane 

6 - What is your favorite song as of the moment? - Whichever song on the Poptopia spotify playlist had that sexy ass bass that had me feeling a certain kind of way on the drive home from work. Also, Praying by Kesha

7 - If you were stranded on an island, who do you wish to be with? - Ryan or Bear Grylls

8 - What do you feel right now? - Conflicted. I want to watch the new episodes on the Bob’s Burgers live stream, but i also want to start A Court of Thorns and Roses

9 - What chocolate is your favorite? - Dark

10 - How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have? - The past tense sounds ominous. I’ve had 2 in the past and 1 right now, so 3

11 - Why did you create a Tumblr account? - Because my emo friends in high school had them and i wanted to be a part of the group

12 - Who is your favorite blogger? - Jenna Marbles technically counds

13 - Where do you want to be right now? - In the mountains or by the beach

14 - What do you want to be in the future? - Happy and financially stable

15 - When was the last time you cried? Why? - Last night. I finished Eleanor and Park. WHY WOULDN’T SHE WRITE HIM BACK. WHY DIDN’T SHE CALL HIM. WHY DIDN’T SHE TELL HIM SHE LOVED HIM TOO. WILL THEY EVER SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN

16 - Are you happy? - Momentarily I’m bummed, but ultimately I’m very happy

17 - Who do you miss? - Caitlin

18 - If you were given a chance, would you like to have a different life? - No

19 - What was the best thing you were given? - The gold coated rose Ryan gave me a few years ago

20 - Who was the last person who called you? - Sophia

21 - What is your favorite dish? - Sushi

22 - Who is your bestfriend? - Loaded question.

23 - What is your biggest regret? - Not applying to that Nebraska Furniture Mart job before it went off Indeed

24 - Have you ever cheated on your partner? - NEVER

25 - Who do you spend crazy moments with? - I’m not sure what this means, but probably Ryan

26 - Name someone pretty. - I’m having a harder time thinking of someone who isn’t pretty

27 - Who was the last person you hugged? - Ryan. He had a rough day.

28 - What kind of music do you listen to? - Loud music, preferably with bass. So hard rock, rap, EDM, etc

29 - Are you over your past? - Sure? lol

30 - Who is the last person in your contacts? - My old assistant manager Vail

31 - What kind of person do you want to date? - Someone exactly like Ryan

32 - Do you have troubles sleeping at night? - Only when I eat too soon before bed

33 - From whom was the last text message you received? - My mom

34 - What do you prefer, jeans or skirt? - Jeans always

35 - How’s your heart? - She’s good. Wishes her questions were answered about Eleanor and Park

36 - Did you ever have a girlfriend/boyfriend whose name starts with a “J”? - No, but all my exes have

37 - Do you like someone as of the moment? - A little

38 - What would you want to say to your latest ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend? - I’d take the high road and ask him how Europe was or tell him the hair cut was a good idea, but I’d want to ask him how it felt when the girl he cheated on me with and always was in love with the 3 years we were together got pregnant with another guys baby, and will never ever be with him ever again

39 - Do you have any phobias? - Death and spiders

40 - Did you try to change for a person? - I tried to change for my first boyfriend because I was young and desperate

41 - What’s the nicest thing have you given to someone? - Most recently I gave Ryan the best birthday presents of his entire life. Got it all on video. I also gave him a very sentimental book commemorating our relationship and it made him cry so that too

42 - Would you go back to your previous relationship? - Hell no. Mostly i look back and wonder why i let myself stay with him for so long. I guess wildly changing friend groups (and sometimes no friends) made me want some stability

43 - Are you in a good or bad mood? - Good to neutral. It’s the weekend

44 - Name someone you can’t live without. - My family and Ryan

45 - Describe your dream date. - Hiking in the mountains, exploring hidden water forms, kayaking in a large body of water (if it’s an ocean, extra points), playing in the water, going to eat sushi, and then resigning back to our bedroom for the end of the night

46 - Describe your dream wedding. - Not expensive.

47 - How many roses did you receive last Valentine’s? - Never really celebrated Valentine’s day. It seems lame to me, whether I’m in a relationship or not. Anymore it’s just an instagram competition and it’s exhausting.

48 - Have you ever been kissed? - A few times

49 - How long is your longest relationship? - 4 years today (exactly. yay happy anniversary Jazmin and Ryan)

50 - Do you regret your past? - No

51 - Can you do something stupid for someone else? - Can I? Yeah. Will I? Idk depends on what and who

52 - Have you ever cried over someone? - I’ve cried over everything, i assure you

53 - Do you have a grudge against anyone? - Idk probably

54 - Are you a crybaby? - Hell ye

55 - Do people praise you for your looks? - Sometimes

56 - Did you fall for someone you shouldn’t? - No

57 - Have you ever done something bad but you don’t regret? - Not that i can think of

58 - Do you like getting hurt? - Who likes that?

59 - Does anyone hate you? - If they do i don’t know about it. I’d prefer not to. It’d give me anxiety

60 - Did you slap anyone whose name starts with an “R”? - I’ve never slapped anyone

61 - What hair color do you prefer? - Dark brown

62 - If you can change anything about yourself, what is it? - Wow this brought an onslaught of insecurities. Let’s avoid changing physical appearance and say I’d more pure hearted

63 - Do you love someone as of the moment? - Hell ye

64 - Have you ever thought of killing yourself? - No

65 - Do you have issues with somebody in your school? - I don’t go to school (thank god)

66 - Can you live without internet? - I could but I don’t want to

67 - What’s the song that remind you of your special someone? - All of my hard rock, especially Rise Against and Linkin Park. Also You’ll Be in My Heart by Phil Collins

68 - Are you good at holding back your tears? - No. I like to think I can do it but i cannot

69 - Are you a crybaby? - You asked that already. I definitely am

70 - Have you ever experienced being hysterical? - No

71 - Are you a KPOP fan? - No

72 - Do you study hard? - I study medium

73 - Have you ever sacrificed something important to you for someone you love? - Yes

74 - Did you ever had a kiss under the moonlight? - yes

75 - Have you ever ridden a boat? - Yes

76 - Did you have an accident last year? - Like car accident? No

77 - What kind of person are you? - what the fuck kind of huge ass question is that. Like i even know. look at my blog. it probably won’t help anyway

78 - Have you ever thought of killing someone? - No, wtf

79 - Have you ever been jealous? - Oh yeah. Another thing i’d change about myself is being less jealous and focusing on what i have and not comparing myself to anyone else

80 - How can you prove your love to someone? - being emotionally there for them, always listening to them and giving them a shoulder to lean on

81 - What are you thinking right now? - how i’m no longer paying attention to the new bob’s burgers episodes

82 - Who is the 6th person in your contacts? - fuck who cares about my contacts

83 - Do you have any memories you want to erase? - there was this one time in elementary school when i was with my daycare we went to the lincoln children museum and we were in a play vet area and this older boy had a play syringe and said he was going to put me to sleep and that really freaked me out and fucked me up

84 - Have you been hurt so bad that you can’t find words to explain how you feel? - I mean probably

85 - Did you ever badmouth someone? - i am a sinner

86 - Have you ever had an argument with someone? - wtf i’m not a newborn 

87 - Do you have trust issues? - not really. i’m super trusting

88 - Are you broken-hearted? - no

89 - Who’s the person who first comes to your mind when someone mentions “love”? - ryan

90 - Do you think all the pain is worth it? - all what pain? all pain we ever experience? no i don’t think all pain has purpose. some pain is just needless and painful

91 - Do you believe in the phrase “If it’s meant to be, it will be”? - not really. i don’t think there’s some predestined future.

92 - Who do you want to marry? - ryan

93 - Do you believe in destiny? - no

94 - Have you ever thought “I already found my soulmate”? - yeah, though i think people could end up with a variety of different partners. I don’t think everyone has only one person.

95 - How do you look right now? - not my best, but lots of side boob

96 - Do you believe that first true love never dies? - no

97 - Have you found your true love? - ye

98 - What should you be doing right now? - paying attention to bob’s burgers, reading my book, or applying to other jobs

99 - Name one of your ex-boyfriends/ex-girlfriends. - aaron. there might still be posts on my blog about him somewhere

100 - Did you ever feel like you’re not good enough? - eh i don’t think so

[maloned]

My 30-year Love-Affair with Professional Wrestling, Part 2

Is this real? My story of Saturday Night Main Event.

Hulk Hogan and tag team partner Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff talking through a disagreement before their big match versus the Heenan Family. Watch video: https://youtu.be/7JVSNEh8PKI

Previously on Superstars of Wrestling, we left our hero, the World Wrestling Federation champion, Hulk Hogan, betrayed and beaten after being spiked on his head by a serious, career threatening piledriver, by his one-time tag team partner, “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff.  Orndorff turned his back on the Hulkster and joined forces with the sinister wrestling manager, Bobby “The Brain” Heenan and his evil stable of villains, The Heenan Family. (Read Part 1: Click here).

At ten years old, watching all this lead me directly to question, what kind of sport was this? Athletes were blatantly breaking the rules and assaulting rivals outside of competition. The boxing that my uncle loved didn’t allow this. My father’s favorite, the NFL, didn’t stand for this sort of thing.

My friends and family would chuckle at my pure shock. “You know wrestling’s fake, right?” “Why don’t their faces get bruised?” “It’s all scripted and choreographed!” Those are familiar phrases to just about every wrestling fan. I’d live with statements like this for the rest of my fandom. But for our legion of fans, we understand that being “real” isn’t the point.

At ten years old, of course, I didn’t know what to believe. But, like my fellow fans, I also didn’t care. Whatever wrestling was, whether sport or entertainment or a hybrid, I wanted to, no, I needed to find out if the Hulk was going to get his revenge on Mr. Wonderful. Week after week,

I would tune in Saturday and Sunday morning to hear the Hulkster and Paul Orndorff exchange insults and challenges in backstage interviews with WWF broadcaster, Mean Gene Okerlund.

As a kid, I bought completely into the theater as reality. As an adult, I understand its theater and also brilliant storytelling in its own way. Because, at the end of every episode, whether it was 10-year-old me or me now, I wanted to know one thing: When and where was this grudge match happening?

Today, the answer to that is a Google search away. Back in the 1980s, it was not that simple. But, as fate would have it, I was watching our local NBC affiliate, then Channel 4 WTVJ. On a Saturday night in October of 1986, I might’ve been tuned into the A-Team, Knight Rider, or The Golden Girls. Whatever was on TV, I was delighted to see the Hulkster appear during a commercial break promoting the long-awaited match with his nemesis, Mr. Wonderful. As if that wasn’t exciting enough, the ad went on to say that the brawl in the squared-circle would be tonight on a show called Saturday Night Main Event (SMME)! Wait, what?! What was this show coming on at 11:30pm? Why had I never heard of it before? Weekly series like Superstars of Wrestling or Wrestling Challenge never advertised SNME.

“Mom,” I said, “Can I stay up late tonight? I want to watch Hulk Hogan wrestle Mr. Wonderful.”  

“No.” Mom quickly replied.

But, almost as quickly, mom changed her tune and gave me a choice. I could stay up late OR go to the circus the next day. It should come as no surprise that I have an affinity for Carnie Culture and the Circus.

In the spirit of all the clever kids in 80s movies, I came up with a plan. Using my VCR skills, well-practiced after months of recording my grandmother’s novelas (Spanish soap operas), I would record SMME. Now, I could sit under the big top for some circus action and still get to watch the Hulkster seek vengeance on that Benedict Arnold, Mr. Wonderful.

Excited by experiencing my this win-win scenario I went to bed and woke up the next day ready for some clown and elephants. At the Greatest Show on Earth, however, I couldn’t focus. I could not wait to get home, rewind that VHS tape and find out if the Hulkster got his revenge.

The circus was a blur that day. When I got home, I immediately popped some popcorn and poured some Pepsi; what would become my SNME go-to snack combo for years to come. As I started to watch, even then, I knew there was something special about this show. The production value of WWF’s weekly programming was above and beyond that of other wrestling companies at the time, which were typically in smoked filled rooms and a few hundred (if that) locals to sit and cheer. Saturday Night Main Event, however, was on a whole new level of quality. I know now that NBC Sports handled the broadcast of SNME. These were not the same squash matches against no-name local journeymen (“jobbers”) that were typically served up on Saturday mornings. The matches on SNME were epic clashes between superstars. Legends like Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat battled Jake “The Snake” Roberts; the British Bulldogs teamed fought the Dream Team of Brutus Beefcake and Greg “The Hammer” Valentine; “Rowdy” Roddy Piper faced off against the Iranian juggernaut known as Iron Sheik. As incredible as SNME was, the resolution I sought for between Hulk Hogan and Mr. Wonderful, never happened.

Hyping matches that only pseudo-materialize is nothing new for wrestling fans. On SNME, the match between Hogan and Orndoff featured many escapes by Mr. Wonderful to the outside of the ring. Orndorff’s strategy would disrupt Hulkster’s momentum each time. And each time, Orndorff would seek instruction from his wease of a manager, Heenan. I learned another staple of wrestling from SNME — the shocking ending that sets up another fight. In another moment when Hogan seemed to gain the upper hand, a woman, no, a wrestler dressed in drag, interfered with the match. The wrestler was Adrian Adonis, and the bout ended in a disqualification. No revenge for Hogan. Instead, the stakes were higher, the need for vengeance greater as Hogan is cheated once more. The quest for revenge would continue in a Steel Cage.

Hogan! Hogan! Hogan! My story of the Steel Cage Match.

It was January 3rd, 1987. I was well on my way to turning 12 when Saturday Night Main Event (SNME) premiered the first-ever national broadcast of a Steel Cage Match.  The first time that a nationwide audience would see the imposing structure.

A Steel Cage Match wasn’t anything new. Eventually, more matches in steel cages captured my imagination. Tully Blanchard vs. Magnum T.A. At Starrcade ’85 in the “I Quit” match, the first Thunderdome Cage Match, or the iconic image from Apter Magazine of Jimmy Snuka standing on top of the cage. Steel Cages were a common gimmick, but this one was my first.

Hosts Vince McMahon and Jesse Ventura sold the dangers of this match.

“It’s a match to end all feuds and rivalries!” urged the hosts, then reminded us “The Cage is a barrier and a weapon!”

The ultimate point of sale for how deadly a match the Steel Cage would be the complete lack of rules. The Steel Cage would serve to keep Mr. Wonderful’s inside and his friends out, but that didn’t mean it would be a straightforward match otherwise. No count-outs, no disqualifications, no referees, no submissions, and no pinfalls! No holds barred and no rules. The only way to win is to escape the cage through the door or by climbing out of the cage. But, of course, this meant having to incapacitate your opponent first.

If you haven’t come to realize it by now, each chapter in my series serves to illustrate what formed and cemented my love for wrestling. The Steel Cage Match between Hogan and Mr. Wonderful was mesmerizing. Whatever this “sport” was, it was outrageous, exciting, and never ceased to fascinate me; a fascination that’s lasted for three decades.

Years later, my love for wrestling and cage matches would lead me to host and publish SteelCageMatch.com from 2001 to 2011. On the site, I asked the eternal question, “How did a legit, technically graceful sport like wrestling become faux barbarism?” Wrestling had evolved into the outrageous, introducing matches fought within steel cages for utmost brutality (albeit feigned). On SteelCageMatch.com I chronicled the history of steel cage matches and the evolution of a newlegitimate sport, Mixed Martial Arts. Things would come full circle, as MMA happens in a cage.  (All my data compiled during this time is published here: Click here).

The steel cage match between Hulk Hogan and Paul Orndorff took place on December 14, 1986, in Hartford, Connecticut and taped for broadcast on the January 3rd, 1987 edition of SNME. The rivalry was at a fever pitch, pushed to new heights as both Hogan and Mr. Wonderful entered the arena to the same song — Real American by Rick Derringer. Both combatants claimed the song as their entrance music since they used it when they fought as a tag team. So, as if the stakes weren’t high enough, the winner would take the song which became so iconic in the World Wrestling Federation.

The wrestlers were in the ring, but the drama mounted even more before the bell rang. Outside the ring, two referees, Senior WWF Official Joey Marella and veteran official Danny Davis, argued over who was assigned to officiate the match. In the end, both referees decided to stick around at ringside. The audience thought nothing of it since one path to victory was clear to everyone.

Finally, the match began. For much of it, Mr. Wonderful overcame Hogan’s size advantage by making the most of his compact, pit bull-like strength and aggression. However, each wrestler took turns blaming into the unyielding, classic blue bars of WWF cages. In the end, both competitors found themselves bruised, bloodied, and lying on the canvass. Hogan and Orndorff picked themselves up off of the mat on opposite sides of the ring at the same time. They grabbed the cage and began to climb. At the same time. It was a race to the top between the two exhausted warriors.

The camera frantically cut back and forth as both wrestlers made their way out of the cage. Mr. Wonderfull took the early lead, but Hogan made up lost ground. McMahon and Ventura unabashedly cheered for their respective favorites.

Camera cut, after camera cut drew both opponents closer to the bottom of the cage. And, in what I understand now as a brilliant moment in choreography, both wrestlers jumped down and landed at the same time. Who landed first? On one side, Referee Marella raised Hogan’s arm in victory. On the other side, Referee Danny Davis had Mr. Wonderful’s arm up in victory. Derringer’s Real American played over the speaks sending the jam-packed arena — and me — into an absolute frenzy. Who won this match?!

Referees Marella and Davis argued over the result of the match. The refs turned to NBC Sports to help determine who won. Using a split-screen and a timecode, it’s clear both wrestlers landed at the same time. What now? Both referees ordered the match to continue!

The match restarted, and it looked like Hogan had no fight left in him. Mr. Wonderful pummeled Hogan, and it was only a matter of time before the Hulkster would fall. All hope seemed lost.

At this point in my short but immensely sweet wrestling fandom, I had never seen Hogan compete against a formidable foe. My heart sank as I thought my hero was done for. But I was not aware of the wrestler’s ability to mount a comeback powered by the “Hulkamaniacs,” the collective name for his legion of fans. It’s a familiar moment to wrestling fans today, but it was the first I’d seen it, and you never forget your first time.

The chant began …

“HOGAN! HOGAN! HOGAN!”

As if feeling the raw energy projected by his fans, Hogan began to tremble. The power overcoming the champ paralyzed Mr. Wonderful. Hogan’s body filled with energy from Hulkamaniacs, fists tightly clenched, as he turned to look Mr. Wonderful dead in the eye. Mr. Wonderful attacked again and again with punches that had no effect on Hogan. Mr. Wonderful swung again, but this time Hogan snapped out of his moment of “Hulking Up” and blocked the attack.

In the blink of an eye, Hogan took complete control of the match. The Hulkster sprung into action, hitting Mr. Wonderful again and again with powerful punches. Hogan grabbed a dazed Mr. Wonderful and shoved him into the ropes, bouncing the rival off of the ropes. As Mr. Wonderful returned, Hogan slammed a boot into his face. Mr. Wonderful hit the mat hard. Most wrestlers would pause to grandstand, but Hogan continued the assault. Hogan ran into the ropes, catapulting himself back toward Mr. Wonderful who lay helpless at the center of the squared circle. Hogan leaped into the air, stretching out his tree-trunk like leg, and slamming it down across Mr. Wonderful’s head, neck, and chest. The blow finished Mr. Wonderful. Hogan made his way up and out of the cage for the victory long before Mr. Wonderful could mount a serious effort.

Hogan’s journey for revenge against his former friend was complete. The iconic song was his. And there seemed to be no one who could ever defeat the Incredible Hulk Hogan! There also appeared to be no end to my complete infatuation with professional wrestling.

Another week and Saturday Night Main Event proved to be must-watch television for me. The long week ahead to the next episode loomed. But my adoration for wrestling knew no bounds and would carry me. Little did I know, that something bigger, better, badder than I ever imagined was in store — Wrestlemania.

My 30-year love affair with professional wrestling concludes in part three and my story of Wrestlemania.

More Wrestling Posts: http://maloned.tumblr.com/tagged/Wrestling

Edited by Ruben Diaz

[exclassified]

III. An Acknowledgement

Any time the humiliation of betrayal suddenly becomes painfully vivid, I try my best to keep myself afloat. Because I have a thesis to finish, job vacancies to apply, and one more chance to seize the day that I should not waste. I can’t be the sad young adult who continuously struggles to make peace with her disastrous romance. Society demands 24/7 optimism that radiates effortlessly out of a young woman. I want to confirm what society wants by not faking it. But it’s a damn hard work to make it when I’m still consumed by the negative emotions. I loathe that my over-sensibility lets them attached inside. 

A close pal of mine semi-seriously suggested to release the repressed disappointment by going the most “evil” version of myself. Send the screenshot! Scream the truth one is hiding from!! Burst the bubble she’s been living in comfort!!!

However, I barely have the courage to execute that kind of plan. In fact, I was just one window chat away. I could have just gone brutally honest and burned the bridge. But the idea of tearing down another fellow young woman via messaging app sounds like something I would be ashamed of in the future. 

I already tried to reach her out for a super quick meet-up to come clean. To share the complete, uncensored version of the story. To tell her right in the face that I hold no more grudges. To let her know that if later our path cross each other’s in a professional setting, I won’t be hostile to her in any possible form. But it’s a request declined. Alas, it’s a pack of mixed feelings left unexpressed. 

If I could ever ask something in a very self-absorbed way, I didn’t want to live carrying any emotional baggage. I never had one until I was involved in this situation. I can’t stop blaming my lonely 22-year-old self for opening the door recklessly – I barely knew who was knocking at that time. 

I should have found more about their past, on-and-off relationship dynamic. I should have followed my intuition to opt out of the game the moment I realised I was just a rebound. I should have taken the red flags seriously when I knew sooner-or-later it’s going to be a toxic relationship that causes real, lasting damages. I should have researched better online (shout out to collective geniuses who create blogosphere) that they’re bounded by unresolved issues, that one of them will give it another try in the future —  which they eventually did with one hell of background story remains untold. 

It’s not that I regret 100% upon this ugly episode. I cherish the silent moment, the laughter, the tear-jerking argumentation we shared together. I draw some lessons out of falling too deeply with someone’s dream. I appreciate his help and occasional kindness. I learn in so many ways about what it’s like to cooperate with someone (who rarely put you in his top priority while you always do) on day-to-day basis. On top of that, I am completely aware that I can’t force someone’s feelings towards a relationship. Had he asked for an end, I’d have jumped off the ship voluntarily. Looking for my life vest a month or two. Then I’ll go sailing on my own. He didn’t and that’s where the fiasco began. 

It’s just this unpleasant, exhausting feeling that the only thing I can hold is the hope of time-will-heal. What if this time it’s expired? Or what if the only way to strip off this always-fresh wound is by getting the side of my story heard? 

I kinda keep a little fool, wishful thinking that compassion and curiosity will somehow move her to lend ears for me. I do want to listen to her side of the story, too – only if she let me, though. Maybe someday she will see that making a stranger’s little fool, wishful thinking comes true is a part of doing random act of kindness.

P.S. Hey, I am not trying to do any harm to anyone. It’s the last thing I have in mind to reach the last stage of grief. If you happen to stumble upon this page and finally considering that a stories exchange simply wouldn’t hurt,  I’m always available for a full disclosure.

Jakarta, March 3, 2017.

II. CLOSURE

I have never been through a series of mental breakdowns as much as I had in the last three months of 2016. It was real tough, romance wise. It was the most sickening emotional rollercoaster I’ve ever experienced — and I put the blame on my incapability of letting the hurts go. I keep them, hoping they’ll soon turn to be blessing in disguise.

I choose to stay in the game because who knows. I self-console that maybe this is worth the pain. That maybe someone whom I do care would eventually be a person I wish him to be.

I know all the formulas to cut off the whole thing: avoid any possible access of communication, talk to friends, meet new people, travel. As each days passing, none of them are helpful to eliminate myself from the equation.

It is just so hard to cross someone out of your life when you’ve found comfort in the daily companionship. Then, here you are bound to helplessness because you’ve tried patience but it didn’t work. 

You raise the bar of tolerance one inch at a time. You’ve tried empathy. You put yourself on the other shoes to share the burden from the past. You’ve tried kindness.

You choose love over hatred, compassion over resentment, big-heartedness over vengefulness. But these efforts are not really reaching closure. And that’s one lesson to learn from en route to adulthood: you’re not getting what you want. life is not according to your desired plan.

Growing up, I am not equipped to face this kind of hardship. A kind of hardship made from the feeling of being taken for granted, of being the one who is sitting on the bench, of being the un-chosen.

To digest these three without becoming a crybaby would be a milestone of my early 20. It’d be a litmus test of how immune I’ll be to the next major heartbreak.

It’d be a solid proof that I could throw myself into any interpersonal experiments and I wouldn’t be losing my grip. I’d be fine and I’d be just the same person only going in another direction. However, this is an ideal scenario I am failing to live up to.

Remember, the Clinton’s affair? I’ve been pondering how Hillary forgives his husband. What kind of man   —  who happens to be POTUS42  —  thinks betrayal is pardonable?

How long does it take for Bill to earn the trust back? Does Hillary still see him as the same person who make the vow to be a loyal and honest partner?

Does she write as a therapy? How is her coping mechanism? How does she react when she hears about Monica Lewinsky?

Is she suddenly in tears? Does her body ache? And my no.1 wonder is, have Bill already got his karma?

All in all, I did learn the hard way to conclude that any form of deep emotional attachment is a risky investment; the other party might not mean to hurt us but who gets to decide what is hurtful and what is not?

I also eventually prove that one famous saying “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” does not apply in certain relationship. We can’t expect grown-ups to grow empathy and treat their lovers decently.

That’s such a bitter realisation, but apparently that’s exactly how the human world works, I believe.  It is not that the path is against us – it is just the path.

Yogyakarta, January 21, 2017. 

I. 11 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Let Yourself Emotionally Ripped Apart

1. It keeps you awake at night for days or worse, weeks.

You’ll wake up staring at the mirror and curse yourself for dark circles that your cheap concealer is unable to cover.

2. It generates too much what-ifs during the sleepless period.

Unfortunately, this self-talk does not fix anything you ruined. It’s completely over and whoops, it is all too late, stone-headed!

3. It turns you to be overly melancholic.

You can’t listen to Linger by The Cranberries without immersing yourself in the lyric, the melody. All you want to do is singing your heart out.

4. It slaps you hard that “hey, deep emotions are exhausting to have, you know.”

You are overwhelmed and hardly handle the ups and downs then wondering why you just can’t quit being a grown-up.

5. It makes you feel you have a bad life while what you actually have is only a bad moment.

But, still. Bad is bad, right?

6. It haunts you in silence.

in your phone screen, sent e-mails, sponsored t-shirts, blue toothbrush, checkered sarong, hairy arms, and whatnot.

7. It reminds you about the cancelled plans.

The movie you were both about to watch, books reading session, a weekend getaway, grad-school prep, and so on.

8. It makes you sound like a broken record for recalling the whole story to every distant but close pals who throw “how are you doing?”

“Not as fine as the last time you saw me.”

“Tell me.”

*voice squeaks*

*tear drops*

9. It makes you realise that crying barely helps us to let a person go.

10. It freaks you out that years later you will be having a classic episode of permanent regret.

11. It tells you to expect timeless restlessness.

Look, next time, please do yourself a favour: pick a better fight. To be in a state of broken-beyond-repair should only happen once in a lifetime since once is a mistake and twice is a decision. 

Depok, February 29, 2016.