#hold on i'll think of something

[ramblesbiab]

tumblr i hardly know hr

[americanduckling]

The reason why i constantly rob my OCs of their autonomy is because... because, uh... you see i um

no no. you don't get it. the reason I injure my blorbos until they can't walk is because that's the only way they'll ever let someone else carry them. the reason I curse them to be sick and feverish is so that they'll finally open up about their emotions while delirious. the reason I force them to overexert themselves to the point of exhaustion is so that when they pass out they can finally rest.

I'm doing this for their own good.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

The dog days are over.

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[inkskinned]

yesterday while feverish i wrote about how boats can moor next to each other like pigeons, cooing with the gentle rap of water against their hull. you once said that that the way i see things - birds in the water, feathers in marina paint - was "childish and naive." you said i'd been misdiagnosed - "it can't all be adhd. you might be just kind of stupid and lazy."

i still do certain things like how you taught me - turn the pillow case inside out before putting it on. drive defensively. hate myself entirely.

the prompt for this poem is "mahler's fifth." i wish it wasn't, but mahler's fifth was our song. it ended up in my book. every person that knows your name has promised me they'll give you one swift rabbit punch, right to the face. dean read the book and showed up on my front porch, drenched in sweat from running the 8 miles at 4 in the morning. he was shaking. pacifist and gentle - he works with children - i'd never seen him furious. a punch isn't going to do it, he said, and then said i'm sorry. i had to come to see if you were okay.

mahler's fifth was mine first, like my girlhood. i like the way each movement piles onto the next movement, each instrument bleeding into the next. i like the horn version the best. before i met you, i danced to it on grass still-wet from sprinklers.

later you would tell me that the way you heard it was somehow better. you understood something in it that i couldn't quite wrap my fingers into. once, on our anniversary, you asked the classical music radio station to play it for us. we missed hearing it because we were fighting. one of the things people get wrong about abuse is that sometimes victims are, like, brutally aware of the stupidity of our situation. what do you mean that you thought i wasn't good enough for you? you? you're just... nothing.

sometimes people can pull the poetry out of your life. i watched my words become clothesline, and then thin out into kite twine. i watched you chew through every good syllable of me. so many good songs and places and moments were ruined. i am glad you didn't like most of my music - less to tie back to you.

but still mahler's fifth. the music swells, and i am 21 and throwing up in a bathroom on my birthday. a woman i will later refer to as lesbian jesus runs a cool hand down my back, her perfect pantsuit starch-pressed. she told me to leave you. she said - and this is true, and not an invention of rhyme or fantasy - i'm you from the future.

i am 22, and i got home from an award ceremony, and i remember you telling me - you act so proud of yourself when you're actually so fucking embarrassing. i took you to disney world. you took my virginity. i gave up visiting spain for a week with my family - i instead choose you, to spend the time just-cuddling. you called it "our fuck week." the music swells. it probably should have been a red flag that for about 3 years - i just gave up on crying. my grandfather died and you said nothing. my uncle died and you ghosted me for 3 weeks. you said i need to protect myself from your ongoing tragedy.

every so often i come back to the memory of one of our last afternoons in person. i had just told you that i wasn't going to law school, despite the free ride - i was going to join a creative writing program. master's in fine arts. i was going to finally do it - i was going to follow my dreams. this blog was already internet-famous. however reluctantly, i would occasionally refer to myself as a poet. i got into umass amherst's writing program for fiction authors. it is one of the the top 5 programs in the country.

wait are you seriously considering actually attending that? dumbfounded, you turned completely towards me in your seat. for the 3rd time in our relationship, you almost crashed the car. you actually want to be a writer?

the first time i went viral, it was for a poem i wrote about you:

he wants to say i love you but keeps it to goodnight because love will take some falling and she's afraid of heights.

every time i see that, i want to throw up. you weren't in love with me, you were in love with the control you had over me. a little truth though: i am afraid of heights. you caught a rabbitgirl and skinned her alive.

mahler's fifth still makes me sick.

give me that back. give me back music. give me back everything i had before you. give me back fearlessness. give me back bravery. give me back a scarless body.

give me back what you took from me.

[aroaceleovaldez]

underappreciated Nico detail that I like - he seems to be an angry crier! very frequently he's angry when he cries and he cries when he's extremely angry. very AuDHD of him. emotional regulation sucks my guy and he's just going through it.

[crabsnpersimmons]

an update on the crazy idea i mentioned: i have started on the paper prototype

+chopsticks

+lazy susan

+little gremlin helper? (he's more of a distraction, he keeps giggling and creeping about and asking me what makes me so special?)

the tl;dr: i had the crazy idea of making a small model carousel to display my DCA pins on. and since i'm having a bit of an artblock, this will provide a good break for me.

also apologies for the delay on replying to asks! you're all so sweet and your messages always brighten my day. i will get to you as soon as i can! i'm just arting a little slower as of late :')

longer explanation under the cut

so i ordered the youtooz dca pins because i earn adult money now and this is what i choose to spend that adult money on. and i realized i'm probably not gonna wear them because i'd be too scared of losing them, but i also don't wanna just put them in a box or frame them (some are bobble-headed and some dangle! i gotta let them move yknow?)

then this crazy idea came to mind... what if i made a tiny model carousel to display the pins on? that way they're displayed safely, but they are free to move around and be played with and i can remove them if i ever DO feel comfortable wearing them out. and if i ever get more DCA pins or keychains (like fan merch yknow 😍) then i can always add another "tier" to the carousel and make it taller. or i can mix and match what goes on the carousel. i also already have a lazy susan (i bought a pack of them from amazon for my spices and sauces) so, i could just put the model on it to make it spin (so i don't even need to make the spinning base!)

so yeah, this is going to be occupying my time and brain for the next couple of days (i'm somewhat going through a bit of an artblock too, so this will help me take a little break)

[beeduoo]

exile

[foxett]

Holy flip!! Fully colored suntan post?? Decently done grass??? Someone pinch me (day 10 suntan)

[eikichi-supremacy]

If nothing else Koenma is a Kuwabara stan and I'm right there with him o7 (I need to write the kuwameshi fic that goes with this fr)

[gomzdrawfr]

OC doodle with the 141 - tw: alcohol, small mention of death

Honest Feelings

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Heh...Literally nothing personal, kid.

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[kyuhu]

today in sketches I'll never finish

[front-facing-pokemon]

[catguangcorner]

manhua!lu guang being unbothered/not fussed past filling the general objective of the clients UNTIL cxs is emotional/having nightmares/cries and then lu guang suddenly going above and beyond scrambling to fix things or provide some sense of closure/justice is my favourite, actually

[stellarfoxian]

imagine looking for v because you have something to show her. you can't find her ANYWHERE. you've looked practically all over the place and you just CAN'T seem to find her. exhausted, you turn to uzi, who's known her longer than you. her only advice?

"did you check the ceiling?"

sure enough, when you look up, there she is! just... chilling there. like a bug. upon further inspection, she is asleep, clinging onto the ceiling like a damn roach. you glance back at uzi like "?????" and she just shrugs.

maybe you fly on up there and snuggle up with her (if you're a disassembly drone) or you wait for her to come down by herself, who knows. She does kinda feel bad for worrying you but she wouldn't let you know thatttttt.......

[hailsatanacab]

chapter three!!

did you guys survive chapter 2? Danny did!! if only barely 😬

there's markedly less gore in this chapter, thank goodness, and now Alfred gets to explain what on earth he was thinking about signing a contract like that??? Alfred??? Explain???