#his trauma wasnt his fault but he was responsible for handling it

[artemisdesari-blog]

I love the add a conversation fics, I've written them, but I don't imagine for a moment that they actually would have worked out that way.

But on the concept of breaking mindsets, we need to remember that some of Anakin's experiences would have been just similar enough to that of the average person, but also in a far more toxic and traumatic way, that it wouldn't necessarily have occurred to him to question it or bring it up.

The most attractive slaves would have received the 'better' garments and potentially better treatment to his child eyes. Ignoring the obvious consequences of being an attractive being who cannot possibly say no to anything, they likely would have had softer clothes, better accommodations (for the sake of receiving whoever they were ordered to 'service'), they may not have been beaten as often or had as many, if any, scars because their objective attractiveness needed to be preserved. In the real world attractive people quite often seem to have better clothing, but often that's because they know how to present themselves alongside that fluke of genetics to be attractive even if they're in a t-shirt and jeans.

Similarly, the strongest slaves or the ones who performed best in arenas/entertainment/other essential higher tier work would have been fed better. They would have needed it in order to continue to do what their masters wanted them to achieve. In the real world, people who perform well can afford to eat more and better because theoretically they're paid more.

And these are only two examples of the idea that slaves who were better and favoured and belonged to wealthier people got better things. Slaves weren't cheap, after all, and a good slave was a valuable slave. A good slave, or a strong slave, or an attractive slave, could objectively be sold to someone else for even more money. Provided whatever it was about that slave which made them valuable was preserved. Everything about Anakin���s childhood would have been geared towards Shmi teaching him to be better/the best so that he would get better treatment or so that he would finally get to be free. But Anakin would have had no real concept of free except that free people get paid for their work and then get to buy whatever they want with it. Everything in his life up to the moment he is taken by Qui-Gon is transient. It isn't his. Even his mother wasn't his. Watto could have sold either of them if ever the urge came over him or the money was good enough.

Before he became a Jedi, there was nothing Anakin could lay claim to as his own. After he became a Jedi he was able to claim things, not many because Jedi lead simple lives, but he still had things which were his that couldn't be taken from him. Speak to people who grew up with food scarcity. Listen to their experiences and struggles with healthy food relationships because of the way they grew up. Or people who grew up with very little money, who grow up and suddenly have money but struggle to budget or save because they can suddenly get the things they want. Now mash that into one person who couldn't even say he belonged to himself and add a bit more trauma in and you get Anakin Skywalker. A boy with unimaginable power who doesn't actually know how to deal with being able to have things and lose things, to love people in a healthy manner and let them go when the time comes. A boy whose idea of normal is horrifically skewed because of the way he grew up.

One conversation doesn't fix that. It might open the door for more, but it doesn't fix things. Changing his ideas and his mindset requires Anakin to work on it, with help from others, but in the end it comes down to him. No matter what sort of therapy was or wasn't available to him, if you don't engage and learn and work towards internalising the new lessons no amount of therapy will help anyway.

There is absolutely no way the Jedi Order was equipped to unravel nine years of being taught to be the best slave he could be in order to win/buy his freedom. Not with Palpatine also whispering in his ears and needing to catch him up on four to six years of missed education on being a Jedi. Not in the ten years between the time he was brought to the Temple and the time he was knighted.

So sure, some conversations might have helped, but they wouldn't have fixed anything unless Anakin understood something about his perspective was wrong and wanted to fix it.

Use this one trick to instantly fix all childhood trauma (Jedi Masters don’t want you to know this)!!!!!

That is what every “if Obi-Wan had just— *adds one extra scene to canon* —then Anakin would’ve had perfect mental health and never listened to Palpatine at all,” sounds like to me. Look I am not an expert on any kind of psychology at all let alone early childhood development but,

It is possible to do your very best to help or raise someone and still have bad or imperfect outcomes, especially when you have someone actively, secretly working against you (cough cough Sith Lord of the month cough), (for many reasons, but in this case particularly), because unravelling the mindset built in early childhood is hard, actually.

Coming at this from the “raised in a safe and loving environment” side of things, it took me years to figure out and internalize that my friends whose parents weren’t as great as mine were functioning in an entirely different landscape when it came to their interactions with adults.

Many years ago when I was in middle school a friend (acquaintance? idk I think most people thought I was annoying) told me that her ankle kept giving out and causing her pain. I asked if she'd told her parents so she could rest or go to the doctor. She told me she had, but her mother either hadn't listened or refused to help. My (approximate) responses?

"So it's not actually that bad then?"

"You should tell her again."

"Are you sure you explained it right?"

The only explanation I could comprehend at the time was that there must have been some unclear communication about the situation or its severity--if her mother had understood she was in pain, she couldn't possibly have just not done anything about it? Adults are responsible, caring, etcetera! They wouldn't do that?!

With more experience, I've come to understand better, and learned to respond in kinder, more helpful ways, but the shift in mindset was not and is not intuitive.

And I had the luxury of figuring all that out whilst being safe myself. Coming from the other direction, being in danger and trying to figure out why other people act like the world is safe? I can't say for sure, but I imagine it’s a lot more complicated.

Point with regard to Star Wars being, it really is harder for Anakin, coming in later, to acclimate to the Jedi ways and thought processes than it is for his peers who grew up in the safe environment of the Temple. And whatever arguments people want to have about how much psychology and therapy exist in the Star Wars universe, or how much “Jedi just do cognitive behavioral therapy” (not totally inaccurate, but reductive on several levels), no matter what the answers to those questions, it will still be harder for Anakin.

There is a reason the council changes its mind on training him only after he is suddenly famous and the Sith are proven to be back. When Anakin was not in significant danger of being snatched up by someone else, it was genuinely probably the easier and safer option—for him and everyone else—for him to live a different life.

The Jedi are not necessarily fully prepared for a child with Anakin's history, and, there is nothing bad about living an ordinary life. Anakin would not have been somehow unforgivably robbed by living life as a mechanic or an engineer or something, rather than being a Jedi.

Anakin is a victim of many things in his life—Sidious, Watto, Gardulla, Tatooine’s everything, his own conscious choices—but he is not a victim of malice, incompetence, or idiocy by the Jedi just because they couldn't—in only a decade or so—help him fully and perfectly unravel the mindset he developed in his early childhood. If there was any lack of qualification on their part, it was one they were aware of—but which was outweighed by the danger of little Anakin getting kidnapped out of normal-kid elementary school.

Being brought up in and around slavery absolutely made him more vulnerable to Sidous and became the basis of their dynamic as master and apprentice. Acting like the trauma that affects his mindset and actions for his entire life can be obliterated just by making minimal changes to the plot is wild to me.

And don’t get me wrong, fics and headcanons can do whatever they want, not everyone wants or is trying to write a deep psychological character study (also fanfic and even fiction in general cannot and should not be held to any standard of realism if it's not serving the story and the author)—simple fix-it’s (my love) are fun and an excellent short-cut to other things like happiness and fluff (my other loves)—but don’t act serious about the idea that adding one conversation about his feelings or one extra explanation about Jedi philosophy would automatically lead to Anakin having perfect mental health outcomes and always making good decisions.

Disclaimer (if the ones throughout weren't enough) : please go forth and do whatever you want. the moral of this post is actually just that (1) you won’t convince me, (2) I wanted to talk about this, (3) the clickbait title was too funny not to post, (4) i literally can't open my mouth without phrasing things like i'm in the middle of a heated debate, and (5) i continue to not be an expert in early childhood development—my evidence is very literally anecdotal

[gale-gentlepenguin]

Can you please poorly explain Ephemeral

Gale poorly Explains: Ephermeral

Bob roth: I want me coin back!

Gabriel: (sensing sadness) Adrien handle my responsibilities

Adrien: But father

Gabriel: Implication of abuse or Sentimonster theory.

Adrien: Okay

_________________________________________________

Ladybug: WHERE THE F*** IS CHAT NOIR! I got nine heroes here and we cant do s***

Pegasus: I was scrooge mcduck for 5 seconds.

Ladybug: Okay I have plan. Viperion. Type in every combination until it opens

Viperion: This is gonna suck

(and 100 attempts later)

Viperion: And that sucked

(And they beat the safe man)

Su han: Ladybug, the f***?

Ladybug: Chat noir wasnt here. not my fault.

Su Han: Find out who he is or i take kitty.

Ladybug: NO! But my trauma

Su han: IDGAF do it anyway.

Viperion: (who totally knows ladybug and Chat noir's identities) This seems like a problem that could easily be rectified by revealing I know who they are... BUT I wont do that

Ladybug: Guess we gotta gaslight chat noir

Viperion: Cool

___________________________________________________

Ladybug: I think we should reveal our identies

Chat noir: Oh damn is this a dream?

Ladybug: You first.

Chat noir: Im adrien agreste

Ladybug: Bulls*** be serious

Chat noir: But... I am tho.

Ladybug: De-transform or it doesnt count.

Chat noir transforms into adrien agreste

Ladybug: (Shocked Pikachu face)

Adrien: I am glad that this is real and totally not a trick to get me to reveal my identity.

Viperion: Ladybug should i reset now? Ladybug? The ploy remember.

Ladybug: I suddenly dont want to gaslight chat noir.

(Viperion detransforms)

Luka: i sure hope this doesnt go wrong

(it will)

__________________________________________________

Marinette: But how can Adrien be furry? My brain cant deal!

(cue Marinette freaking out)

Luka: I totally know whats going on, so I am gonna check on her.

Marinette: I am having hard time accepting thing

Luka: Try accepting thing

Marinette: Holy s*** you are so wise.

__________________________________________________

And Ladybug fell in love with adrien again

Ladybug: Adrien, i am marinette

Adrien: Hot

and they started dating

___________________________________________________

Gabriel: I am gonna be a good father for once and check on my son

Adrien: (on the phone) Goodnight my lady

Gabriel: The only simp in paris to ever call someone his lady is... CHAT NOIR

(this is exactly how he figured it out in canon)

Gabriel: Adrien, Follow me.

Adrien: This seems sus

Gabriel: I am actually shadowmoth! And you will obey me

Adrien: No papa yamete!

Shadowmoth: You will obey because Plot! Or something about being a sentimonster

Adrien:...Okay

Shadowmoth: You are now grape boy. You can speed up things but like only works on ladybug when she uses her power.

___________________________________________________

Marinette: I wonder what movie will air

Shadow noir: SOMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME! THE MIRACULOUS IS HERE

Marinette: Shadowmoth? (Transforms)

Shadow noir: GO GRAPE BOY!

Ladybug: Grape boy?

Ephemeral: It me

Ladybug: You monster! you turned your son into the worst designed akuma. Now to send info to Luka and hope he conveniently knows I am Ladybug or else this would be really stupid.

____________________________________________________

Luka: GASP! Marinette needs help. Its a good thing I blatantly lied to her about not knowing her identity, or this would make almost no sense.

Sass: Ladybug miraculous + Cat miraculous = Universal retcon

Luka: That doesnt sound good. Go back in time now

___________________________________________________

Ladybug and Chat noir: The f***

(sees all of the time distortion)

Ladybug: I need to talk to sass.

Chat noir: Why was Luka in the sewer though?

Luka: Dont think about it

Chat noir: Okay.

Ladybug: Okay so thats what happened. Okay so if we fix the satellite. That will fix everything.

Chat noir: That makes sense

Cue space power up transformation

Ladybug: And we did it

Chat noir: Cool, so what did you want to tell me?

Ladybug: Lol dont worry about it.

Chat noir: (sad kitty)

__________________________________________________

Su han: Why didnt you learn chat noir's identity

Ladybug: Im the guardian bitch f*** off

Su han: Ah yes that makes sense

[reyhospacebitch]

I cant stop thinking about how everyone Daisy has ever loved, romantically or platonically, always ended up leaving her for one reason or another and even the people who *do* stay, only stay at arms length until Daniel Sousa appeared.

every time a romantic partner didnt like something she does or believes, its held against her or someone runs.

Miles? He wasnt who she thought he was yes but he didnt handle her changing well at allll. Uncompromising, he wanted her to give up the team and her mission (at the time, to find her parents) and when she refused he bolted, blaming HER even though *he* was the one who got people killed.

Ward? Omfg this was such a shit show. She blamed herself for not seeing his manipulations sooner and emotionally takes on the blame for Keonig’s death. And then the entire team judged her for having feelings for him despite not knowing in such a cringe way, Daisy was full on forced to choose Ward or Everyone Else constantly. Yet again Daisy was punished for having feelings for someone who used those feelings against her.

Lincoln? He was the most supportive of her romantic pairings but he always had one foot out the door, understandably. He hated SHIELD, had his own massively unresolved issues and overall just never really gave Daisy the support she needed. It wasnt his fault. It wasnt anyones fault. He was just young and Dealing With Shit like Daisy was. And yet Even when he sacrificed his life for her, moments before he ran from her. When she reached her breaking point and asked to go back to HIVE Lincoln’s response to her severe trauma of being mind controlled was to break up with her... And to tell her she needed to work on herself, which yes she needed therapy but 😫

for someone who was abandoned her entire life by adults for making the Smallest of mistakes (ie look at her convo with jiaying about breaking a glass at a foster home) to punish her when she needs to be hugged is the most traumatizing shit ever. And yet it happened over and over again.

And not just by boyfriends.... Repeatedly Jemma and Coulson held her feelings for Ward against her in ways that felt unfair. And what about the time she left SHIELD because Lincoln died and she couldnt handle anything anymore? The woman was suicidal and desperate. Coulson and Mack just wanted to help so they chased after her - though I honestly dont think they knew what she needed in that moment and thats why she didnt come in. However, Fitz? Fitz took her leaving as a personal attack, as her abandoning him and the team. Yes he has his own trauma around abandonment so I get why he wouldnt take it well, but he threw it in her face Multiple Times as if she had done a great ~Sin~ by leaving the team. He held it against her as a personal failing in a way that was completely unfair. SHIELD is a job. She didn’t owe SHIELD her mental health. Since joining she had experienced so much loss (her mother, father AND a boyfriend) on top of all the deaths and torture she blamed herself for AND being mind controlled and almost dying multiple times??? Her friends and family should have hugged her and sent to a good therapist, not yell at her for not handling her trauma the way *they* wanted. I adore the SHIELD family and know they are all incredibly flawed and human and thats what makes the show so meaningful but you cant deny the fact that Rarely has Daisy ever been showed unconditional love on this show.

But this is all IMPORTANT context for why Daisy is so blown away by what Daniel Sousa tells her in the time loop. The fact that he Sees her and just wants to Be There to support her? Its something Daisy has secretly always wanted but was too afraid to ask for. She’s been hurt so many times and yet here is this man who literalllly just died for her, who is now telling her he wants to always be there to pick her back up? The way this would blow Daisy’s mind and hit at some desire buried so deep she prob cant even vocalize it just makes me. 🥺 The meaningfulness of him constantly offering to help and just Be There For Her is impossible to fully explain. I just - Im so fucking soft for them.

[yellowbluemoonshine]

There is always the idea that villains need to be punished for what they did but... when you see someone like Shigaraki, what could be more of a punishment than what he suffered? And more than that, how could the society jugde him when they are for a big part responsable of what he has become? When Shigaraki says that he can't forgive anyone, I can't help but agree: how could he forgive when nobody recognise they have wronged him, when they don't admit he is THEIR victim?

Definitely agreed, anon.

First, this role is literally forced on him by people around him.

Even when he was 5 years old, he wasnt allowed to be the person he wants to be. He wanted to be a hero but his father punished him for it.

After his family’s tragic death, he became a tool of manipulative, selfish man. AFO literally groomed him to be force of destruction, he made him believe that this is the only way for him.

AFO literally punished Shigaraki when he cried and hold his feelings (calling him pathetic to make him feel guilty for being a disappointing is also punihsment too) and praised him when he killed people.

Then, every hero and villain he met dehumanized him again and again. For everyone, Shigaraki is someone who enjoys from destruction, empty, cruel guy, he is not even a person. Again and again, Shigaraki is not allowed to be his own person.

Heroes dont listen to him cause Shigaraki has to be bad guy so that heroes can be good guys. If Shigaraki is monster, they can justify their violence. This is how villains are treated in society. And Shigaraki is one of the biggest examples of it. Even though, heroes have many proofs to believe that Shigaraki is victim.

Everyone around Shigaraki already decided the role Shigaraki play for him, his life, his narrative is always controlled by others. He himself even believes that he is monster cause everyone around him says so.

Not only this role forced on him but also his biggest motivation and desire literally relate to what happened to him.

Shigaraki’s biggest motivation is comes from his pain, death of his family, like how he will never feel okay. This is why he is doing what he is doing cause he literally have no idea how to handle his pain.

Shigaraki’s life is full of pain. He was traumatized againd and again. He was groomed in very unstable and dangerous environment. Treated as monster that needs to be destroyed. When he finally a little far away from his abuser AFO, he still did what he wants him to do and eventually came back to him to surgery, he almost loose his humanity and his will.

And Shigaraki’s biggest desire is freedom cause his life and his choices taken away from him. Shigaraki again and again chose freedom cause he doesnt want the role everyone forced on him. He feels trapped and full of anger cause he is completely not okay with his current life.

Shigaraki is trapped in cycle of abuse.

Step 1;

He holds his negative feelings inside of him, until he reaches his breaking point. He hold himself cause he hasnt taught how to handle those emotions healthy way.

Step 2;

He reaches his breaking point and lashing his feeling out to other people. Killing them, harming them, destroy things etc. He is lashing out cause thats how he has been taught. After lashing out, he somehow reliefs a little and feel empty.

Step 3;

After remember what he did to others, he feels exteremely guilty and starts punishing himself. He is harming himself, thats the way of Shigaraki punishing himself. Punishment is always part of Shigaraki’s character.

Step 4;

Harming himself eventually led him to feel unfair and he starts to feel angry again, he hold those feelings so basically we returned back to step 1, again.

Shigaraki is literally trapped with this cycle and cant get rid of it. This is why he almost always contracting with himself.

First, someone/something hurts him and Shigaraki fights back,

he fights back to get rid of this cycle cause he wants this pain to be over. He wants freedom thats why he rejects giving his will to AFO, this is why he get rid of hands.

But eventually, he still thanking AFO, doing what he wants

and taking hands with him again cause he doesnt believe he deserves freedom.

Basically, Shigaraki wants freedom, he wants to be saved but he cant fight for his freedom cause he himself believes he doesnt deserves to be saved, to feel okay. This is the biggest proof of that he feels exteremly guilty from what he did/does.

He literally escapes from cage to another cage, in this picture.

Shigaraki is trying to escape from his cage but he doesnt believe he deserves to feel good, this is why he turns back to the cage. Thats the reason he accept the surgery of Ujiko. So basically, his mindset is already like a prison and it harms him a lot. And as long as he believes he doesnt deserve anytihng good, he cant get out that prison. But Shigaraki feels guilty, this is why he believes that. Shigaraki doesnt even see himself as victim cause noone else does.

This is why Shigaraki cant get out of this cycle, this prison and this is why it so important that someone reaching out to him. He is a victim, a person and he needs to be seen as like that by someone.

And Shigaraki’s story is all about how different his life would be, if only someone reach out to him. Again and again, theme of his story is there were people who could’ve helped him but they still didnt do anything for him. Shigaraki can be saved but everyone already believes that he is irredemable, they wont even try to reach out to him.

How can Shigaraki forgive those people when they constantly turned a blind eye to him?

Even when Shigaraki show his true face to them, trying to talk and reach out to them, they still ignored him. Shigaraki is trying to explain himself to heroes cause he still waits for heroes to save him in his deep.

The biggest proof of that there is a hope for Shigaraki is that despite his background, the way he treats league and he tries to break this cycle. The way Shigaraki treats his comprades literally turned league to found family for people like them. Shigaraki was raised to destroy but he is the reason that people in league are slowly healing from their trauma. He also fight against the unfair society that let them fall at first place.

Shigaraki is blowback of society. Though, AFO would kidnap Shigaraki anyway but he is still failure of heroes. If Allmight didnt make society ignorance, people wouldnt ignore Shigaraki. If society was designed to rehabilite villains, then they would understand his victim and try to reach out to him. They could’ve do that easily in USJ arc. If Nana never abandoned his son or Gran Torino and Allmight tried to check him out, AFO wouldnt capture Tenko. etc etc etc. Society and heroes failed Shigaraki and let him fall from the cracks of society

 If Shigaraki is victim of society, heroes, then, society,heroes should take responsibilty for the victims, not just destroying them.

And Shigaraki isnt just blowback of society, his actions also waking people up. Story made it clear, society is not good the way it is and heroes dont even try to change it. Yeah, destruction isnt really solution and murder is bad but at least, Shigaraki’s actions will change things. Society wil start to change for better cause Shigaraki, the shadow of society is calling them out.

And again;

if society is the one who is responsible for Shigaraki became who he is, then how they can have a right to not forgive him?

(Though, Deku doesnt really know things here but hope, he will eventually understand.)

The one who made a choice wasnt really Shigaraki, it was people around him. First, he was outcasted and became their victim. Then, they forced a role for him. When he played his role, they punished him for it. Shigaraki was put in an impossible sitution and he was expected to handle that sitution. Who is the one really at fault here?

Everyone blames Shigaraki cause thats easiest way. Even though, Shigaraki didnt have much choices in his life but somehow its still his fault and the ones who could’ve helped him, the one who can help him chose to not help have a right to not forgive him.

So basically;

1-

Society and heroes already failed Shigaraki and directly responsible from his fall. There is something they could do, there is something they still can do about Shigaraki but they constantly choosing to dehumanize him.

2-

Shigaraki constantly fights against the people who dehumanize him for his humanity. At least, he is doing his best cause he doesnt want to stay like this.

3-

He is trying to change things to break this broken cycle, both for himself and in his deep, society can be better place for people like him, victims, outcasts.

3-

There is no point of killing Shigaraki since society creates its own villains, then they would create another Shigaraki anyway.

4-

Shigaraki already feels exteremely guilty from what he does. (This is the reason he is so suicidal cause he sees no worth about his life.)

5-

Shigaraki’ s life is full of pain and trauma. He is already treated as monster in his current sitution.

So whats the point of killing him or sending him the place like Tartarus? When society is the one responsible for him the way he is? When he already feels guilty? When he already live his life like a prisoner? When he already have a life full of pain and treated as thing? There is literally no point here.

So what i am hoping is in the end;

He should live cause he deserves to healing and living his life as an invidual. He should be in a place more like mental hospital cause he has severe mental illness and he definitely needs help. He also needs/deserves to live in healthy environment so he can finally heal. Even in the end, if he stays in prison, prison should be pretty human place. It would be better, if he is with with league cause those people are healing when they are together.

Though, i still hate the idea of him being in prison, even though he killed many people cause his life is already like a prison but i dont know author would do that.

Also, i also believe that more than Shigaraki, society is the one that owes him apology, not really other way around. Since he is their victim. Though he is really kind and forgiving person in deep, he might forgive them but i dont want what happenned to him to be ignored so i truly hope heroes, society, story pays him well cause its just so sad and unfair. He deserves better.

Also, i truly believe Shigaraki can help Deku and heroes a lot about outcasts since he can reach out to people who wasnt saved by heroes. So if they work together, Deku can be a hero who saves everyone and Shigaraki’s dream of becoming hero can happen since he is helping outcasts. Also this can be another a way of paying his crimes too.

Shigaraki would willing to do this cause all he wants is better society, just like Deku, in his deep. And also his biggest desire is to be an invidual. To be the person who he wants to be. He still wants to be a hero cause in his deep, he cares about greater good too.

Shigaraki is always a character who is meant to be saved and there is a reason that he is parallel with Deku. I hope he also gets the happy ending he truly deserves. We will see. It kinda became messy post cause i am kinda tired. Well, just my opinions, :))).

[standarrow]

abbacchio essay under the cut because he’s so important to me (god this is so long im sorry i have adhd i hope this is readable<3)

tl;dr being on how i think he healed and handled up until part 5 :”) + thoughts on his relationship to the team

tw!!! for all of the usual things that pertain to his backstory including: [death, alcohol abuse, police, ptsd/depression, etc]

i may be projecting<3 its fine

to start:

im not a fan of the way a lot of people handle handle abbas trauma and illness. the "entering a relationship fixes your problems<3" shit. or the romanticization of depression...i see both a lot, along with utilizing his substance issues as like a catalyst. i dont have to say why that shit isnt ok or healthy.

getting into it (because i want it to be this deep):

there is ... a lot of guilt that he shoulders around the death of his partner. someone he was friends with (and relied on him as a literal partner) died because He fucked up. that person wanted to protect him and died selflessly while he'd broken his own morals and he feels like it should have been him to pay for it. 

but he wasnt. and now he suddenly has two mistakes and blood on his hands. getting fired doesnt even Begin to fix that, so he withdraws because he cant trust himself, cant trust the institution he was already disillusioned from, and imo hes angry that he didnt get punished worse for his own crimes (but cops always get off easy)

bruno finds him in the worst place of his life and gives him a chance to put schedule in his life, to protect even if its not in the way he originally thought he would. he still doesnt trust himself, i do not think he takes to working with a partner easily (what if he fucks up again. he'll get bruno/narancia/fugo killed.) and i think that reflects in why moody blues isnt meant for combat. combat = danger. 

obligatory moody blues being an allegory for his trauma and ptsd surrounding the death of his partner.. constantly haunted by his own mistake and reliving that moment. heavily referencing his wish to redo, to know every detail of that prick he let bribe him that killed his partner, to have Control. because abbacchio isnt really about The Moment -- he's making sure the Moment doesnt have a chance to come to fruition. its nipping it in the bud before the weed can kill. he wants to make sure he can figure out whats going on First and protect. to figure out past events and prevent future danger.

starting to heal:

i’ve done a timeline previously: he graduates high school in 1998, six months for the police academy, 6 months before hes out again.. joins passione in december (rainy season) of 1999, and by december of 2000 (~4 months before part 5) hes like.... well. doing better in terms of his alcoholism. we see abbacchio by part 5 occasionally and seemingly comfortably enjoying a glass or two, which speaks that after some time working hes sort gained some..... confidence in his ability to keep his intake low. 

working for bruno means he cant drink as often or binge as much, hes needed and that structure keeps him in check, its not easy and yes he slips but its about and overall upwards climb because any progress is good progress... he builds a rapport with the team, comes to appreciate brunos role in giving him a chance and some peace of mind, sees himself in fugo, treats narancia like a little brother. relationships with others cant Fix your problems but friendship and structure can help, they can be there when you need it.

hes starting to trust himself more. and his relationship to fugo and nara were as crucial as his one with bruno is.

in purple haze feedback we see that he's been teamed up with fugo, and he knows fugos stand ability very well (see mirror man fight)... they Get each other and abbacchio sees a lot of his anger and distrust at himself in fugo, and easily calms fugo down when he gets upset (see mirror man episode in the car) 

fugo helped him trust himself and others more .. that other people arent Fragile and arent going to die on him every time they get into danger and its not His fault. he relies on fugo and vice versa. the kid is powerful but also a smart tactician and extremely capable. they Get each other and it helps abbacchio trust himself in combat situations and helps calm his paranoia about getting someone killed while working ... and nara is just sunshine. hes an annoying little brother but it helps him retain normalcy. some sense of like. not everything is doom and gloom

his depression and general self? depreciation perhaps doesnt leave him because those kinds of thoughts mould your brain a certain way.. they dont just go away without some work. but perhaps time with bruno helps him start to realise his worth, the way the team appreciates him and his ability. his self consciousness can start to fall away a little bit. i think by the time december of 2000 (a year after his recruitment by my timeline) hes like... a lot more comfortable with the schedule of his life, it helps him get out of bed, gives his brain a structure to latch onto. the responsibility of overseeing the younger ones and helping bruno gives him the sort of hope for this original goal of wanting to protect

@ bruno (in a more romantic sense perhaps + why i think he distrusts giorno so much)

his relationship to bruno isnt fucking “godlike savior<3″ because thats.... needless to say Very unhealthy. 

their relationship doesnt reach a point by where i think Either would even want to enter a relationship until about a year in (~4 months before part 5 begins)... theres a certain uncertainty i think bruno has with wanting to help abbacchio, he respects and cares about the other man and canonically sees him as his senior.. and i think theres a certain wall there that bruno isnt sure he wants to try to knock down, meanwhile abbacchio isnt sure when he built those walls but theyre safe (and what happens if you try to reach out?)

i think they sort of fall into it and its not... planned. its a little impulsive but it feels natural and they help each other because bruno is this comfort to abba, is the reason he has this structure and has made this progress himself and hes not....crediting it all to bruno obviously but bruno did play a Large Role. and bruno is all about little white lies, appearances. Yes hes fine. Dont worry, he has things under control. 

and i think to an extent abbacchio knows of brunos softer spots (as does fugo, bc of the reason he and fugo team up as described in phf is to protect him) but abba doesnt realise to the extent that bruno is .... hiding his real fears. brunos a lot about compartmentalization (hi zippers) and being let into brunos internal... thoughts beyond the occasional worries he mightve shared is a big step for them. bruno buries a lot of his internal problems and worries. he has to. hes got to keep moving, keep working; people rely on him... but abbacchio is the person he doesnt feel like he needs to protect because theyre equals and maybe he can let someone in to shoulder his worries and vice versa. theyre partners.

which is why i think abbacchio initially distrusts giorno so much... its not tht he doesnt trust bruno, but bruno doesnt Tell him about this. he realizes he might not know all brunos fears (specifically @ his distate and hate towards the mafia i made the point about in the bruno isnt evil post where its like.. he Couldntve shared that information, otherwise he would endanger abbacchio)

and it scares him. it freaks him the fuck out because he doesnt understand who this kid is or why bruno trusts him so much but he trusts bruno so he goes with it, even if he doesnt Understand.

anyways thts my TEDtalk ty i love you for reading this if you got here<3

[loveanoutcast]

Hello again❤️ I just wanted thank you for updating “Games”, i LOVED the last chapter!! The bond between Eren and his wife is so heartwarming, but also EREN CAN YOU STOP BEING JEALOUS FOR LIKE A SECOND UGH

I also wanted to ask what are your thoughts on aot’s ending?😭

Hi! I always look forward to your responses! I'm so happy you loved the latest chapter, i made it especially long this time for two reasons: 1. I can't get enough of Eren married trope 2. I had a feeling the last chapter of the manga series was going to leave me emotionally drained and I was spot on. I'll be doing a part five for "Games" but i do not know when, hopefully in the next two weeks. I know Eren is sooo jealous, but he's also extremely cocky and aware of his strengths, at this point he gets jealous on purpose to make the sex better and also who doesn't love possessive Eren😆

Okay so, SPOILERS AHEAD.

Now, I, like many, have my opinion on the last chapter, First, Isayama wrote this amazing story and from the very beginning I always wondered if the title of the first chapter was really for Eren. How can I best describe this...okay truth is. Eren Yeager is my favorite character of aot. No, its not because he's hot but it is a partial small reason lol. I loved him since the very first episode because I felt so incredibly bad for him. I pitied Eren and I also understood why he acted the way he did. SO many people complained about him being a douchebag and a crybaby, and they aren't wrong but yes they are. Eren lacks emotional intelligence (also some common sense but thats for another time) he lack a sense of self because he witnessed his mothers death, he was given a serum at the tender age of 10, he ate his father, and he was recruited to be a soldier at the age of fifteen because he was hell bent on a revenge that was unrealistic. Let me make something clear: Every single soldier of the main group and Marley group were MINORS. They were CHILD SOLDIERS. That is fucked up no matter the threat of any kind. They were robbed of their innocence and faith and forced to train, behave, and not be stupid teenagers (EVEN THO THATS WHAT THEY ARE) just so they could be human machines to a selfish old and twisted higher-ups. Eren wasn't smart like Armin, he wasn't strong like an Ackerman, and overall he wasnt unique. The Attack Titan is what made him unique but once he realized that there were other shifters like him, it was a blow to his ego. The fact that you could S E E the depression weighing him down hurt so much. but I understood his immaturity, I myself have struggled with childhood trauma and I often catch myself saying something or doing something childish. It takes YEARS to unlearn something that was so heavily ingrained in your memories and Eren doesn't even have the time to do that. he's impulsive and hot headed but he can also be overprotective and I have always loved him for tht and I always will. I also never doubted for a second that he loved Mikasa. Mikasa had her share of traumas as well, she witnessed her parents murdered and she had to kill to save Eren, BUT the difference is that she had a savior. Eren was an awkward shy kid just like anyone else and yes he was a little messed up but i want one person to tell me they've never met a child that seemed a bit too edgy for their age. When eren's mother died NO ONE was their savior. Hanes wanted to save her but coming face to face with a titan scared him so bad he retreated and took the kids. Eren didn't retreat with those kidnappers despite the disadvantage he was at (he was a child for shits sake). He gave Mikasa the scarf and well we all know what happens. I also would read how Eren was stunted at his age mentality because of his trauma and I do agree and I would add that even though Armin and Mikasa were there for him, they ALLOWED his behavior. They are not at fault of course bc they are kids trying to figure out how to be adults with no parental guidance but everyone around Eren tolerated and allowed him to be how he was (except Jean but you could smell his jealousy and Eren fucking knew it LOL plus he was immature in his own way too) Even Hange, Levi, and Erwin his higher ups made excuses for his attitude. Levi didn't know how to parents he was raised by KENNY fir shits sake and he never spoke of the underground. Erwin was too busy and high up to worry about kids, he was trained to ensure the lives of soldiers and im sorry but that is all he saw them as. We won't even go into Hange who is a mad scientist lol. Furthermore, Eren was always my comfort character and even though i sometimes didn't like how he handled stuff, I GET IT, he had no one to guide him or show him another way and by the time he kissed historia's hand, he realized what he had to do. He was 15!!! when I was 15 I had the emotional range of a walnut and the temper of a bull. That on top of the fact that he knows he only has 8 more years is enough to make anyone want to collapse. No matter 1/2