#his trauma wasnt his fault but he was responsible for handling it

[artemisdesari-blog]

I love the add a conversation fics, I've written them, but I don't imagine for a moment that they actually would have worked out that way.

But on the concept of breaking mindsets, we need to remember that some of Anakin's experiences would have been just similar enough to that of the average person, but also in a far more toxic and traumatic way, that it wouldn't necessarily have occurred to him to question it or bring it up.

The most attractive slaves would have received the 'better' garments and potentially better treatment to his child eyes. Ignoring the obvious consequences of being an attractive being who cannot possibly say no to anything, they likely would have had softer clothes, better accommodations (for the sake of receiving whoever they were ordered to 'service'), they may not have been beaten as often or had as many, if any, scars because their objective attractiveness needed to be preserved. In the real world attractive people quite often seem to have better clothing, but often that's because they know how to present themselves alongside that fluke of genetics to be attractive even if they're in a t-shirt and jeans.

Similarly, the strongest slaves or the ones who performed best in arenas/entertainment/other essential higher tier work would have been fed better. They would have needed it in order to continue to do what their masters wanted them to achieve. In the real world, people who perform well can afford to eat more and better because theoretically they're paid more.

And these are only two examples of the idea that slaves who were better and favoured and belonged to wealthier people got better things. Slaves weren't cheap, after all, and a good slave was a valuable slave. A good slave, or a strong slave, or an attractive slave, could objectively be sold to someone else for even more money. Provided whatever it was about that slave which made them valuable was preserved. Everything about Anakin’s childhood would have been geared towards Shmi teaching him to be better/the best so that he would get better treatment or so that he would finally get to be free. But Anakin would have had no real concept of free except that free people get paid for their work and then get to buy whatever they want with it. Everything in his life up to the moment he is taken by Qui-Gon is transient. It isn't his. Even his mother wasn't his. Watto could have sold either of them if ever the urge came over him or the money was good enough.

Before he became a Jedi, there was nothing Anakin could lay claim to as his own. After he became a Jedi he was able to claim things, not many because Jedi lead simple lives, but he still had things which were his that couldn't be taken from him. Speak to people who grew up with food scarcity. Listen to their experiences and struggles with healthy food relationships because of the way they grew up. Or people who grew up with very little money, who grow up and suddenly have money but struggle to budget or save because they can suddenly get the things they want. Now mash that into one person who couldn't even say he belonged to himself and add a bit more trauma in and you get Anakin Skywalker. A boy with unimaginable power who doesn't actually know how to deal with being able to have things and lose things, to love people in a healthy manner and let them go when the time comes. A boy whose idea of normal is horrifically skewed because of the way he grew up.

One conversation doesn't fix that. It might open the door for more, but it doesn't fix things. Changing his ideas and his mindset requires Anakin to work on it, with help from others, but in the end it comes down to him. No matter what sort of therapy was or wasn't available to him, if you don't engage and learn and work towards internalising the new lessons no amount of therapy will help anyway.

There is absolutely no way the Jedi Order was equipped to unravel nine years of being taught to be the best slave he could be in order to win/buy his freedom. Not with Palpatine also whispering in his ears and needing to catch him up on four to six years of missed education on being a Jedi. Not in the ten years between the time he was brought to the Temple and the time he was knighted.

So sure, some conversations might have helped, but they wouldn't have fixed anything unless Anakin understood something about his perspective was wrong and wanted to fix it.

Use this one trick to instantly fix all childhood trauma (Jedi Masters don’t want you to know this)!!!!!

That is what every “if Obi-Wan had just— *adds one extra scene to canon* —then Anakin would’ve had perfect mental health and never listened to Palpatine at all,” sounds like to me. Look I am not an expert on any kind of psychology at all let alone early childhood development but,

It is possible to do your very best to help or raise someone and still have bad or imperfect outcomes, especially when you have someone actively, secretly working against you (cough cough Sith Lord of the month cough), (for many reasons, but in this case particularly), because unravelling the mindset built in early childhood is hard, actually.

Coming at this from the “raised in a safe and loving environment” side of things, it took me years to figure out and internalize that my friends whose parents weren’t as great as mine were functioning in an entirely different landscape when it came to their interactions with adults.

Many years ago when I was in middle school a friend (acquaintance? idk I think most people thought I was annoying) told me that her ankle kept giving out and causing her pain. I asked if she'd told her parents so she could rest or go to the doctor. She told me she had, but her mother either hadn't listened or refused to help. My (approximate) responses?

"So it's not actually that bad then?"

"You should tell her again."

"Are you sure you explained it right?"

The only explanation I could comprehend at the time was that there must have been some unclear communication about the situation or its severity--if her mother had understood she was in pain, she couldn't possibly have just not done anything about it? Adults are responsible, caring, etcetera! They wouldn't do that?!

With more experience, I've come to understand better, and learned to respond in kinder, more helpful ways, but the shift in mindset was not and is not intuitive.

And I had the luxury of figuring all that out whilst being safe myself. Coming from the other direction, being in danger and trying to figure out why other people act like the world is safe? I can't say for sure, but I imagine it’s a lot more complicated.

Point with regard to Star Wars being, it really is harder for Anakin, coming in later, to acclimate to the Jedi ways and thought processes than it is for his peers who grew up in the safe environment of the Temple. And whatever arguments people want to have about how much psychology and therapy exist in the Star Wars universe, or how much “Jedi just do cognitive behavioral therapy” (not totally inaccurate, but reductive on several levels), no matter what the answers to those questions, it will still be harder for Anakin.

There is a reason the council changes its mind on training him only after he is suddenly famous and the Sith are proven to be back. When Anakin was not in significant danger of being snatched up by someone else, it was genuinely probably the easier and safer option—for him and everyone else—for him to live a different life.

The Jedi are not necessarily fully prepared for a child with Anakin's history, and, there is nothing bad about living an ordinary life. Anakin would not have been somehow unforgivably robbed by living life as a mechanic or an engineer or something, rather than being a Jedi.

Anakin is a victim of many things in his life—Sidious, Watto, Gardulla, Tatooine’s everything, his own conscious choices—but he is not a victim of malice, incompetence, or idiocy by the Jedi just because they couldn't—in only a decade or so—help him fully and perfectly unravel the mindset he developed in his early childhood. If there was any lack of qualification on their part, it was one they were aware of—but which was outweighed by the danger of little Anakin getting kidnapped out of normal-kid elementary school.

Being brought up in and around slavery absolutely made him more vulnerable to Sidous and became the basis of their dynamic as master and apprentice. Acting like the trauma that affects his mindset and actions for his entire life can be obliterated just by making minimal changes to the plot is wild to me.

And don’t get me wrong, fics and headcanons can do whatever they want, not everyone wants or is trying to write a deep psychological character study (also fanfic and even fiction in general cannot and should not be held to any standard of realism if it's not serving the story and the author)—simple fix-it’s (my love) are fun and an excellent short-cut to other things like happiness and fluff (my other loves)—but don’t act serious about the idea that adding one conversation about his feelings or one extra explanation about Jedi philosophy would automatically lead to Anakin having perfect mental health outcomes and always making good decisions.

Disclaimer (if the ones throughout weren't enough) : please go forth and do whatever you want. the moral of this post is actually just that (1) you won’t convince me, (2) I wanted to talk about this, (3) the clickbait title was too funny not to post, (4) i literally can't open my mouth without phrasing things like i'm in the middle of a heated debate, and (5) i continue to not be an expert in early childhood development—my evidence is very literally anecdotal

[gale-gentlepenguin]

Can you please poorly explain Ephemeral

Gale poorly Explains: Ephermeral

Bob roth: I want me coin back!

Gabriel: (sensing sadness) Adrien handle my responsibilities

Adrien: But father

Gabriel: Implication of abuse or Sentimonster theory.

Adrien: Okay

_________________________________________________

Ladybug: WHERE THE F*** IS CHAT NOIR! I got nine heroes here and we cant do s***

Pegasus: I was scrooge mcduck for 5 seconds.

Ladybug: Okay I have plan. Viperion. Type in every combination until it opens

Viperion: This is gonna suck

(and 100 attempts later)

Viperion: And that sucked

(And they beat the safe man)

Su han: Ladybug, the f***?

Ladybug: Chat noir wasnt here. not my fault.

Su Han: Find out who he is or i take kitty.

Ladybug: NO! But my trauma

Su han: IDGAF do it anyway.

Viperion: (who totally knows ladybug and Chat noir's identities) This seems like a problem that could easily be rectified by revealing I know who they are... BUT I wont do that

Ladybug: Guess we gotta gaslight chat noir

Viperion: Cool

___________________________________________________

Ladybug: I think we should reveal our identies

Chat noir: Oh damn is this a dream?

Ladybug: You first.

Chat noir: Im adrien agreste

Ladybug: Bulls*** be serious

Chat noir: But... I am tho.

Ladybug: De-transform or it doesnt count.

Chat noir transforms into adrien agreste

Ladybug: (Shocked Pikachu face)

Adrien: I am glad that this is real and totally not a trick to get me to reveal my identity.

Viperion: Ladybug should i reset now? Ladybug? The ploy remember.

Ladybug: I suddenly dont want to gaslight chat noir.

(Viperion detransforms)

Luka: i sure hope this doesnt go wrong

(it will)

__________________________________________________

Marinette: But how can Adrien be furry? My brain cant deal!

(cue Marinette freaking out)

Luka: I totally know whats going on, so I am gonna check on her.

Marinette: I am having hard time accepting thing

Luka: Try accepting thing

Marinette: Holy s*** you are so wise.

__________________________________________________

And Ladybug fell in love with adrien again

Ladybug: Adrien, i am marinette

Adrien: Hot

and they started dating

___________________________________________________

Gabriel: I am gonna be a good father for once and check on my son

Adrien: (on the phone) Goodnight my lady

Gabriel: The only simp in paris to ever call someone his lady is... CHAT NOIR

(this is exactly how he figured it out in canon)

Gabriel: Adrien, Follow me.

Adrien: This seems sus

Gabriel: I am actually shadowmoth! And you will obey me

Adrien: No papa yamete!

Shadowmoth: You will obey because Plot! Or something about being a sentimonster

Adrien:...Okay

Shadowmoth: You are now grape boy. You can speed up things but like only works on ladybug when she uses her power.

___________________________________________________

Marinette: I wonder what movie will air

Shadow noir: SOMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME! THE MIRACULOUS IS HERE

Marinette: Shadowmoth? (Transforms)

Shadow noir: GO GRAPE BOY!

Ladybug: Grape boy?

Ephemeral: It me

Ladybug: You monster! you turned your son into the worst designed akuma. Now to send info to Luka and hope he conveniently knows I am Ladybug or else this would be really stupid.

____________________________________________________

Luka: GASP! Marinette needs help. Its a good thing I blatantly lied to her about not knowing her identity, or this would make almost no sense.

Sass: Ladybug miraculous + Cat miraculous = Universal retcon

Luka: That doesnt sound good. Go back in time now

___________________________________________________

Ladybug and Chat noir: The f***

(sees all of the time distortion)

Ladybug: I need to talk to sass.

Chat noir: Why was Luka in the sewer though?

Luka: Dont think about it

Chat noir: Okay.

Ladybug: Okay so thats what happened. Okay so if we fix the satellite. That will fix everything.

Chat noir: That makes sense

Cue space power up transformation

Ladybug: And we did it

Chat noir: Cool, so what did you want to tell me?

Ladybug: Lol dont worry about it.

Chat noir: (sad kitty)

__________________________________________________

Su han: Why didnt you learn chat noir's identity

Ladybug: Im the guardian bitch f*** off

Su han: Ah yes that makes sense

[reyhospacebitch]

I cant stop thinking about how everyone Daisy has ever loved, romantically or platonically, always ended up leaving her for one reason or another and even the people who *do* stay, only stay at arms length until Daniel Sousa appeared.

every time a romantic partner didnt like something she does or believes, its held against her or someone runs.

Miles? He wasnt who she thought he was yes but he didnt handle her changing well at allll. Uncompromising, he wanted her to give up the team and her mission (at the time, to find her parents) and when she refused he bolted, blaming HER even though *he* was the one who got people killed.

Ward? Omfg this was such a shit show. She blamed herself for not seeing his manipulations sooner and emotionally takes on the blame for Keonig’s death. And then the entire team judged her for having feelings for him despite not knowing in such a cringe way, Daisy was full on forced to choose Ward or Everyone Else constantly. Yet again Daisy was punished for having feelings for someone who used those feelings against her.

Lincoln? He was the most supportive of her romantic pairings but he always had one foot out the door, understandably. He hated SHIELD, had his own massively unresolved issues and overall just never really gave Daisy the support she needed. It wasnt his fault. It wasnt anyones fault. He was just young and Dealing With Shit like Daisy was. And yet Even when he sacrificed his life for her, moments before he ran from her. When she reached her breaking point and asked to go back to HIVE Lincoln’s response to her severe trauma of being mind controlled was to break up with her... And to tell her she needed to work on herself, which yes she needed therapy but 😫

for someone who was abandoned her entire life by adults for making the Smallest of mistakes (ie look at her convo with jiaying about breaking a glass at a foster home) to punish her when she needs to be hugged is the most traumatizing shit ever. And yet it happened over and over again.

And not just by boyfriends.... Repeatedly Jemma and Coulson held her feelings for Ward against her in ways that felt unfair. And what about the time she left SHIELD because Lincoln died and she couldnt handle anything anymore? The woman was suicidal and desperate. Coulson and Mack just wanted to help so they chased after her - though I honestly dont think they knew what she needed in that moment and thats why she didnt come in. However, Fitz? Fitz took her leaving as a personal attack, as her abandoning him and the team. Yes he has his own trauma around abandonment so I get why he wouldnt take it well, but he threw it in her face Multiple Times as if she had done a great ~Sin~ by leaving the team. He held it against her as a personal failing in a way that was completely unfair. SHIELD is a job. She didn’t owe SHIELD her mental health. Since joining she had experienced so much loss (her mother, father AND a boyfriend) on top of all the deaths and torture she blamed herself for AND being mind controlled and almost dying multiple times??? Her friends and family should have hugged her and sent to a good therapist, not yell at her for not handling her trauma the way *they* wanted. I adore the SHIELD family and know they are all incredibly flawed and human and thats what makes the show so meaningful but you cant deny the fact that Rarely has Daisy ever been showed unconditional love on this show.

But this is all IMPORTANT context for why Daisy is so blown away by what Daniel Sousa tells her in the time loop. The fact that he Sees her and just wants to Be There to support her? Its something Daisy has secretly always wanted but was too afraid to ask for. She’s been hurt so many times and yet here is this man who literalllly just died for her, who is now telling her he wants to always be there to pick her back up? The way this would blow Daisy’s mind and hit at some desire buried so deep she prob cant even vocalize it just makes me. 🥺 The meaningfulness of him constantly offering to help and just Be There For Her is impossible to fully explain. I just - Im so fucking soft for them.

[yellowbluemoonshine]

There is always the idea that villains need to be punished for what they did but... when you see someone like Shigaraki, what could be more of a punishment than what he suffered? And more than that, how could the society jugde him when they are for a big part responsable of what he has become? When Shigaraki says that he can't forgive anyone, I can't help but agree: how could he forgive when nobody recognise they have wronged him, when they don't admit he is THEIR victim?

Definitely agreed, anon.

First, this role is literally forced on him by people around him.

Even when he was 5 years old, he wasnt allowed to be the person he wants to be. He wanted to be a hero but his father punished him for it.

After his family’s tragic death, he became a tool of manipulative, selfish man. AFO literally groomed him to be force of destruction, he made him believe that this is the only way for him.

AFO literally punished Shigaraki when he cried and hold his feelings (calling him pathetic to make him feel guilty for being a disappointing is also punihsment too) and praised him when he killed people.

Then, every hero and villain he met dehumanized him again and again. For everyone, Shigaraki is someone who enjoys from destruction, empty, cruel guy, he is not even a person. Again and again, Shigaraki is not allowed to be his own person.

Heroes dont listen to him cause Shigaraki has to be bad guy so that heroes can be good guys. If Shigaraki is monster, they can justify their violence. This is how villains are treated in society. And Shigaraki is one of the biggest examples of it. Even though, heroes have many proofs to believe that Shigaraki is victim.

Everyone around Shigaraki already decided the role Shigaraki play for him, his life, his narrative is always controlled by others. He himself even believes that he is monster cause everyone around him says so.

Not only this role forced on him but also his biggest motivation and desire literally relate to what happened to him.

Shigaraki’s biggest motivation is comes from his pain, death of his family, like how he will never feel okay. This is why he is doing what he is doing cause he literally have no idea how to handle his pain.

Shigaraki’s life is full of pain. He was traumatized againd and again. He was groomed in very unstable and dangerous environment. Treated as monster that needs to be destroyed. When he finally a little far away from his abuser AFO, he still did what he wants him to do and eventually came back to him to surgery, he almost loose his humanity and his will.

And Shigaraki’s biggest desire is freedom cause his life and his choices taken away from him. Shigaraki again and again chose freedom cause he doesnt want the role everyone forced on him. He feels trapped and full of anger cause he is completely not okay with his current life.

Shigaraki is trapped in cycle of abuse.

Step 1;

He holds his negative feelings inside of him, until he reaches his breaking point. He hold himself cause he hasnt taught how to handle those emotions healthy way.

Step 2;

He reaches his breaking point and lashing his feeling out to other people. Killing them, harming them, destroy things etc. He is lashing out cause thats how he has been taught. After lashing out, he somehow reliefs a little and feel empty.

Step 3;

After remember what he did to others, he feels exteremely guilty and starts punishing himself. He is harming himself, thats the way of Shigaraki punishing himself. Punishment is always part of Shigaraki’s character.

Step 4;

Harming himself eventually led him to feel unfair and he starts to feel angry again, he hold those feelings so basically we returned back to step 1, again.

Shigaraki is literally trapped with this cycle and cant get rid of it. This is why he almost always contracting with himself.

First, someone/something hurts him and Shigaraki fights back,

he fights back to get rid of this cycle cause he wants this pain to be over. He wants freedom thats why he rejects giving his will to AFO, this is why he get rid of hands.

But eventually, he still thanking AFO, doing what he wants

and taking hands with him again cause he doesnt believe he deserves freedom.

Basically, Shigaraki wants freedom, he wants to be saved but he cant fight for his freedom cause he himself believes he doesnt deserves to be saved, to feel okay. This is the biggest proof of that he feels exteremly guilty from what he did/does.

He literally escapes from cage to another cage, in this picture.

Shigaraki is trying to escape from his cage but he doesnt believe he deserves to feel good, this is why he turns back to the cage. Thats the reason he accept the surgery of Ujiko. So basically, his mindset is already like a prison and it harms him a lot. And as long as he believes he doesnt deserve anytihng good, he cant get out that prison. But Shigaraki feels guilty, this is why he believes that. Shigaraki doesnt even see himself as victim cause noone else does.

This is why Shigaraki cant get out of this cycle, this prison and this is why it so important that someone reaching out to him. He is a victim, a person and he needs to be seen as like that by someone.

And Shigaraki’s story is all about how different his life would be, if only someone reach out to him. Again and again, theme of his story is there were people who could’ve helped him but they still didnt do anything for him. Shigaraki can be saved but everyone already believes that he is irredemable, they wont even try to reach out to him.

How can Shigaraki forgive those people when they constantly turned a blind eye to him?

Even when Shigaraki show his true face to them, trying to talk and reach out to them, they still ignored him. Shigaraki is trying to explain himself to heroes cause he still waits for heroes to save him in his deep.

The biggest proof of that there is a hope for Shigaraki is that despite his background, the way he treats league and he tries to break this cycle. The way Shigaraki treats his comprades literally turned league to found family for people like them. Shigaraki was raised to destroy but he is the reason that people in league are slowly healing from their trauma. He also fight against the unfair society that let them fall at first place.

Shigaraki is blowback of society. Though, AFO would kidnap Shigaraki anyway but he is still failure of heroes. If Allmight didnt make society ignorance, people wouldnt ignore Shigaraki. If society was designed to rehabilite villains, then they would understand his victim and try to reach out to him. They could’ve do that easily in USJ arc. If Nana never abandoned his son or Gran Torino and Allmight tried to check him out, AFO wouldnt capture Tenko. etc etc etc. Society and heroes failed Shigaraki and let him fall from the cracks of society

 If Shigaraki is victim of society, heroes, then, society,heroes should take responsibilty for the victims, not just destroying them.

And Shigaraki isnt just blowback of society, his actions also waking people up. Story made it clear, society is not good the way it is and heroes dont even try to change it. Yeah, destruction isnt really solution and murder is bad but at least, Shigaraki’s actions will change things. Society wil start to change for better cause Shigaraki, the shadow of society is calling them out.

And again;

if society is the one who is responsible for Shigaraki became who he is, then how they can have a right to not forgive him?

(Though, Deku doesnt really know things here but hope, he will eventually understand.)

The one who made a choice wasnt really Shigaraki, it was people around him. First, he was outcasted and became their victim. Then, they forced a role for him. When he played his role, they punished him for it. Shigaraki was put in an impossible sitution and he was expected to handle that sitution. Who is the one really at fault here?

Everyone blames Shigaraki cause thats easiest way. Even though, Shigaraki didnt have much choices in his life but somehow its still his fault and the ones who could’ve helped him, the one who can help him chose to not help have a right to not forgive him.

So basically;

1-

Society and heroes already failed Shigaraki and directly responsible from his fall. There is something they could do, there is something they still can do about Shigaraki but they constantly choosing to dehumanize him.

2-

Shigaraki constantly fights against the people who dehumanize him for his humanity. At least, he is doing his best cause he doesnt want to stay like this.

3-

He is trying to change things to break this broken cycle, both for himself and in his deep, society can be better place for people like him, victims, outcasts.

3-

There is no point of killing Shigaraki since society creates its own villains, then they would create another Shigaraki anyway.

4-

Shigaraki already feels exteremely guilty from what he does. (This is the reason he is so suicidal cause he sees no worth about his life.)

5-

Shigaraki’ s life is full of pain and trauma. He is already treated as monster in his current sitution.

So whats the point of killing him or sending him the place like Tartarus? When society is the one responsible for him the way he is? When he already feels guilty? When he already live his life like a prisoner? When he already have a life full of pain and treated as thing? There is literally no point here.

So what i am hoping is in the end;

He should live cause he deserves to healing and living his life as an invidual. He should be in a place more like mental hospital cause he has severe mental illness and he definitely needs help. He also needs/deserves to live in healthy environment so he can finally heal. Even in the end, if he stays in prison, prison should be pretty human place. It would be better, if he is with with league cause those people are healing when they are together.

Though, i still hate the idea of him being in prison, even though he killed many people cause his life is already like a prison but i dont know author would do that.

Also, i also believe that more than Shigaraki, society is the one that owes him apology, not really other way around. Since he is their victim. Though he is really kind and forgiving person in deep, he might forgive them but i dont want what happenned to him to be ignored so i truly hope heroes, society, story pays him well cause its just so sad and unfair. He deserves better.

Also, i truly believe Shigaraki can help Deku and heroes a lot about outcasts since he can reach out to people who wasnt saved by heroes. So if they work together, Deku can be a hero who saves everyone and Shigaraki’s dream of becoming hero can happen since he is helping outcasts. Also this can be another a way of paying his crimes too.

Shigaraki would willing to do this cause all he wants is better society, just like Deku, in his deep. And also his biggest desire is to be an invidual. To be the person who he wants to be. He still wants to be a hero cause in his deep, he cares about greater good too.

Shigaraki is always a character who is meant to be saved and there is a reason that he is parallel with Deku. I hope he also gets the happy ending he truly deserves. We will see. It kinda became messy post cause i am kinda tired. Well, just my opinions, :))).

[standarrow]

abbacchio essay under the cut because he’s so important to me (god this is so long im sorry i have adhd i hope this is readable<3)

tl;dr being on how i think he healed and handled up until part 5 :”) + thoughts on his relationship to the team

tw!!! for all of the usual things that pertain to his backstory including: [death, alcohol abuse, police, ptsd/depression, etc]

i may be projecting<3 its fine

to start:

im not a fan of the way a lot of people handle handle abbas trauma and illness. the "entering a relationship fixes your problems<3" shit. or the romanticization of depression...i see both a lot, along with utilizing his substance issues as like a catalyst. i dont have to say why that shit isnt ok or healthy.

getting into it (because i want it to be this deep):

there is ... a lot of guilt that he shoulders around the death of his partner. someone he was friends with (and relied on him as a literal partner) died because He fucked up. that person wanted to protect him and died selflessly while he'd broken his own morals and he feels like it should have been him to pay for it. 

but he wasnt. and now he suddenly has two mistakes and blood on his hands. getting fired doesnt even Begin to fix that, so he withdraws because he cant trust himself, cant trust the institution he was already disillusioned from, and imo hes angry that he didnt get punished worse for his own crimes (but cops always get off easy)

bruno finds him in the worst place of his life and gives him a chance to put schedule in his life, to protect even if its not in the way he originally thought he would. he still doesnt trust himself, i do not think he takes to working with a partner easily (what if he fucks up again. he'll get bruno/narancia/fugo killed.) and i think that reflects in why moody blues isnt meant for combat. combat = danger. 

obligatory moody blues being an allegory for his trauma and ptsd surrounding the death of his partner.. constantly haunted by his own mistake and reliving that moment. heavily referencing his wish to redo, to know every detail of that prick he let bribe him that killed his partner, to have Control. because abbacchio isnt really about The Moment -- he's making sure the Moment doesnt have a chance to come to fruition. its nipping it in the bud before the weed can kill. he wants to make sure he can figure out whats going on First and protect. to figure out past events and prevent future danger.

starting to heal:

i’ve done a timeline previously: he graduates high school in 1998, six months for the police academy, 6 months before hes out again.. joins passione in december (rainy season) of 1999, and by december of 2000 (~4 months before part 5) hes like.... well. doing better in terms of his alcoholism. we see abbacchio by part 5 occasionally and seemingly comfortably enjoying a glass or two, which speaks that after some time working hes sort gained some..... confidence in his ability to keep his intake low. 

working for bruno means he cant drink as often or binge as much, hes needed and that structure keeps him in check, its not easy and yes he slips but its about and overall upwards climb because any progress is good progress... he builds a rapport with the team, comes to appreciate brunos role in giving him a chance and some peace of mind, sees himself in fugo, treats narancia like a little brother. relationships with others cant Fix your problems but friendship and structure can help, they can be there when you need it.

hes starting to trust himself more. and his relationship to fugo and nara were as crucial as his one with bruno is.

in purple haze feedback we see that he's been teamed up with fugo, and he knows fugos stand ability very well (see mirror man fight)... they Get each other and abbacchio sees a lot of his anger and distrust at himself in fugo, and easily calms fugo down when he gets upset (see mirror man episode in the car) 

fugo helped him trust himself and others more .. that other people arent Fragile and arent going to die on him every time they get into danger and its not His fault. he relies on fugo and vice versa. the kid is powerful but also a smart tactician and extremely capable. they Get each other and it helps abbacchio trust himself in combat situations and helps calm his paranoia about getting someone killed while working ... and nara is just sunshine. hes an annoying little brother but it helps him retain normalcy. some sense of like. not everything is doom and gloom

his depression and general self? depreciation perhaps doesnt leave him because those kinds of thoughts mould your brain a certain way.. they dont just go away without some work. but perhaps time with bruno helps him start to realise his worth, the way the team appreciates him and his ability. his self consciousness can start to fall away a little bit. i think by the time december of 2000 (a year after his recruitment by my timeline) hes like... a lot more comfortable with the schedule of his life, it helps him get out of bed, gives his brain a structure to latch onto. the responsibility of overseeing the younger ones and helping bruno gives him the sort of hope for this original goal of wanting to protect

@ bruno (in a more romantic sense perhaps + why i think he distrusts giorno so much)

his relationship to bruno isnt fucking “godlike savior<3″ because thats.... needless to say Very unhealthy. 

their relationship doesnt reach a point by where i think Either would even want to enter a relationship until about a year in (~4 months before part 5 begins)... theres a certain uncertainty i think bruno has with wanting to help abbacchio, he respects and cares about the other man and canonically sees him as his senior.. and i think theres a certain wall there that bruno isnt sure he wants to try to knock down, meanwhile abbacchio isnt sure when he built those walls but theyre safe (and what happens if you try to reach out?)

i think they sort of fall into it and its not... planned. its a little impulsive but it feels natural and they help each other because bruno is this comfort to abba, is the reason he has this structure and has made this progress himself and hes not....crediting it all to bruno obviously but bruno did play a Large Role. and bruno is all about little white lies, appearances. Yes hes fine. Dont worry, he has things under control. 

and i think to an extent abbacchio knows of brunos softer spots (as does fugo, bc of the reason he and fugo team up as described in phf is to protect him) but abba doesnt realise to the extent that bruno is .... hiding his real fears. brunos a lot about compartmentalization (hi zippers) and being let into brunos internal... thoughts beyond the occasional worries he mightve shared is a big step for them. bruno buries a lot of his internal problems and worries. he has to. hes got to keep moving, keep working; people rely on him... but abbacchio is the person he doesnt feel like he needs to protect because theyre equals and maybe he can let someone in to shoulder his worries and vice versa. theyre partners.

which is why i think abbacchio initially distrusts giorno so much... its not tht he doesnt trust bruno, but bruno doesnt Tell him about this. he realizes he might not know all brunos fears (specifically @ his distate and hate towards the mafia i made the point about in the bruno isnt evil post where its like.. he Couldntve shared that information, otherwise he would endanger abbacchio)

and it scares him. it freaks him the fuck out because he doesnt understand who this kid is or why bruno trusts him so much but he trusts bruno so he goes with it, even if he doesnt Understand.

anyways thts my TEDtalk ty i love you for reading this if you got here<3

[loveanoutcast]

Hello again❤️ I just wanted thank you for updating “Games”, i LOVED the last chapter!! The bond between Eren and his wife is so heartwarming, but also EREN CAN YOU STOP BEING JEALOUS FOR LIKE A SECOND UGH

I also wanted to ask what are your thoughts on aot’s ending?😭

Hi! I always look forward to your responses! I'm so happy you loved the latest chapter, i made it especially long this time for two reasons: 1. I can't get enough of Eren married trope 2. I had a feeling the last chapter of the manga series was going to leave me emotionally drained and I was spot on. I'll be doing a part five for "Games" but i do not know when, hopefully in the next two weeks. I know Eren is sooo jealous, but he's also extremely cocky and aware of his strengths, at this point he gets jealous on purpose to make the sex better and also who doesn't love possessive Eren😆

Okay so, SPOILERS AHEAD.

Now, I, like many, have my opinion on the last chapter, First, Isayama wrote this amazing story and from the very beginning I always wondered if the title of the first chapter was really for Eren. How can I best describe this...okay truth is. Eren Yeager is my favorite character of aot. No, its not because he's hot but it is a partial small reason lol. I loved him since the very first episode because I felt so incredibly bad for him. I pitied Eren and I also understood why he acted the way he did. SO many people complained about him being a douchebag and a crybaby, and they aren't wrong but yes they are. Eren lacks emotional intelligence (also some common sense but thats for another time) he lack a sense of self because he witnessed his mothers death, he was given a serum at the tender age of 10, he ate his father, and he was recruited to be a soldier at the age of fifteen because he was hell bent on a revenge that was unrealistic. Let me make something clear: Every single soldier of the main group and Marley group were MINORS. They were CHILD SOLDIERS. That is fucked up no matter the threat of any kind. They were robbed of their innocence and faith and forced to train, behave, and not be stupid teenagers (EVEN THO THATS WHAT THEY ARE) just so they could be human machines to a selfish old and twisted higher-ups. Eren wasn't smart like Armin, he wasn't strong like an Ackerman, and overall he wasnt unique. The Attack Titan is what made him unique but once he realized that there were other shifters like him, it was a blow to his ego. The fact that you could S E E the depression weighing him down hurt so much. but I understood his immaturity, I myself have struggled with childhood trauma and I often catch myself saying something or doing something childish. It takes YEARS to unlearn something that was so heavily ingrained in your memories and Eren doesn't even have the time to do that. he's impulsive and hot headed but he can also be overprotective and I have always loved him for tht and I always will. I also never doubted for a second that he loved Mikasa. Mikasa had her share of traumas as well, she witnessed her parents murdered and she had to kill to save Eren, BUT the difference is that she had a savior. Eren was an awkward shy kid just like anyone else and yes he was a little messed up but i want one person to tell me they've never met a child that seemed a bit too edgy for their age. When eren's mother died NO ONE was their savior. Hanes wanted to save her but coming face to face with a titan scared him so bad he retreated and took the kids. Eren didn't retreat with those kidnappers despite the disadvantage he was at (he was a child for shits sake). He gave Mikasa the scarf and well we all know what happens. I also would read how Eren was stunted at his age mentality because of his trauma and I do agree and I would add that even though Armin and Mikasa were there for him, they ALLOWED his behavior. They are not at fault of course bc they are kids trying to figure out how to be adults with no parental guidance but everyone around Eren tolerated and allowed him to be how he was (except Jean but you could smell his jealousy and Eren fucking knew it LOL plus he was immature in his own way too) Even Hange, Levi, and Erwin his higher ups made excuses for his attitude. Levi didn't know how to parents he was raised by KENNY fir shits sake and he never spoke of the underground. Erwin was too busy and high up to worry about kids, he was trained to ensure the lives of soldiers and im sorry but that is all he saw them as. We won't even go into Hange who is a mad scientist lol. Furthermore, Eren was always my comfort character and even though i sometimes didn't like how he handled stuff, I GET IT, he had no one to guide him or show him another way and by the time he kissed historia's hand, he realized what he had to do. He was 15!!! when I was 15 I had the emotional range of a walnut and the temper of a bull. That on top of the fact that he knows he only has 8 more years is enough to make anyone want to collapse. No matter 1/2

[diamondsnpolaroids]

I know I havent posted in awhile, and I will catch you all up on my weekly polaroid progression shots but I've really been struggling this week and I need to get it out somewhere.

Yes. I am still pregnant. In 3 days I'll finally be 40 weeks. A milestone I never thought I'd get to because this entire pregnancy has been a rollercoaster of emotions, pain and endless struggles. I didnt want to be pregnant this long. At all. This is going to be long and there will be a lot of personal details, but I need to get it out. I'm tired of having all these thoughts with no outlet.

Since I was 16 years old I was convinced I would never be able to have a child. It was always a devastating thought until I got to the age of 22 when i finally kind of accepted the fact and was okay not becoming a mother. The one thing i wanted between those years, the one thing that broke my heart was I'd never be able to experience the feeling of being pregnant. That may seem silly because that's such a short period of time when it comes to being a mother. 9 months of growing a human compared to the years and years of seeing that person grow is so minuscule. But for some reason that was always what broke me most.

I was dating the same man that entire time. I was 16 when we first starting dating, and I'll be convinced till the day I die that he was my soulmate. He was my best friend over absolutely anything. I could be my totally authentic self with him. He knew how weird I was and stayed. He watched me drown myself in my depression and stayed. He saw me act like a child, like an adult, my worst and best moments. Experienced my grief and my biggest accomplishments and was always right there for me. Growing up with an alcoholic drug addict father I knew I needed a man that would never abandon his family for those things. He was the man I knew I never needed to worry about.

I never really noticed the abusive behavior. The mental torture, isolation, the control he held over me, how hard his harsh words would hit.. it never really crossed my mind because when the good times were good, they were great. When they were bad, I was convinced it was all on me. My depression was the controlling one. My insane mind was the problem. Never him. Then the alcohol started to take over. He consumed himself in it whenever he had the chance. His childhood was ruined by this substance just like mine was and he was slowly turning to it instead of working out his trauma that it caused. Hed increase the intake slowly but surely and when it got too much for me to handle I'd cry and beg that he stopped. Seeing how upset it made me the first few times hed stop or slow down. But it was never for long. Hed go a week and then once again it would slowly increase and the cycle would continue. After awhile, I was "crazy" and he was "just doing what everyone our age was doing". No one our age was drinking 6+ a night on week days and spending $200 at least per night on the weekends. By the time we hit 7 years it got to an all time low. April of 2019 I realized all of this wasnt okay any more. An old friend had walked into my life and for the first time in years I was treated like a human being with feelings. Real feelings that were valid. I was told and shown that I was no where near the same happy girl I once was. It was all over my face and in my body language that I was a totally different person and not in a good way. It was clear just by looking in my eyes that I was severely depressed. I was reassured that my decision to split to work on ourselves was indeed the best step forward I could have ever taken.

My boyfriend reluctantly agreed to end the relationship for the sake of bettering ourselves or else we'd never last as a long term couple. He stopped drinking. Wed still hangout but was met with an extreme depression on his end, begging for me to stay and help him through it as if I hadn't tried for years and years. I knew nothing I could do would make him change, it needed to be a decision he made for himself. He had ruined every part of my being and I needed to explore who I was as an individual. My old friend made me feel ways I hadn't in years and eventually I caved to my emotions and desperate need to feel wanted without the attachment and abusive behavior always on my shoulders. I wasnt with my ex, and I kept it from him. After a month I started to notice his changes but it wasnt enough. He still tried to keep me wrapped around his finger while questioning my every move. He was working on it though, and I was noticing the change, but I couldnt stop what I was doing.

After another month he found out. He was upset, naturally, but was still around. He still wanted to work on it. Then 3 days later I took my first pregnancy test. It was positive. I kept it to myself praying it was a fluke. I took 2 more the next day. It wasnt. I took one last one, called my doctor, then called him over. I told him, and it wasnt an ideal reaction. He was forcing an abortion on me. For someone who never thought they could get pregnant, to find out after years that it was indeed possible, I just couldnt. This was a miracle in my eyes. Once I told him I couldnt, giving him the option to sign off all his rights and to stay away if that's what he wanted, he accepted he was going to be a father. But he also disappeared. Just up and left, and I was met with the worst mental abuse he could ever dish out for weeks. I had never felt so low in my entire life. Being told our child is a mistake, how terrible of a person I was and how him not being around is totally and completely my fault. What i failed to mention is for the last 3 years of our relationship he would use snapchat to talk to girls behind my back. I'd check his phone after every fight and hed go out drinking, just to see up to 7 different girls names with a "sent" notification beside them. I'd delete them off his contacts, confront him, ect ect, but he never stopped. I was always ashamed I stayed with someone who could do this but my love for him was so blind and so strong.. I couldnt let go.

Whenever I would mention all the hurt he caused me, it never compared to me sleeping with someone else while we weren't even together. It was ALL. MY. FAULT. And he couldnt take even an ounce of responsibility for how he treated me and pushed me out of his arms. After 2 weeks of us knowing I'm pregnant, he started seeing someone else. He was drinking beyond what he ever was with me, and now he was with someone else. Some girl who was also fresh out of a long term relationship, totally okay with the fact he was to but also expecting a baby with. I shouldnt have been mad or upset, we weren't together, but it hurt. I wanted the man I thought I'd never have to worry about being a good dad to actually be here with me on this journey. But he wasnt. For the months to come he gave me promises that their relationship wasnt an offical thing and reassured me he doesnt think she'll be around long. I shouldnt give up hope on us. My hormonal, emotional self prayed that was true.. until they became official in September.

Once that happened, it was like a ghost town. I only saw him for the 3 ultrasounds we had to pay for. He never came to any doctors appointments, he didnt feel the baby move, nothing. The entire time blaming me for him not being around. I sat at home every day after long shifts at work knowing I'm all alone in this world, growing a baby, doing everything by myself while he lived his life with no responsibility, laying next to her every night. Every day my heart broke. Some days were better than others, but not a single day I didnt wish and pray that hed atleast be there for his child. I knew my feelings weren't relevant anymore, I just wanted my son to have a father. He needed to have a father. I wasnt going to let my kid go through life always wondering why he wasnt enough for him like I did. I still hurt for myself, but no where near as much as I hurt for my son. I was given empty promises from my ex, he said hed call every day so atleast if he didnt watch our baby grow inside of me, hed atleast know his voice when he finally arrives. But hed go days without calling, and it would somehow turn into my fault because I hurt him too much to call his son.

I've spent this entire pregnancy working on myself, on my mental health, researching how to be a mother, what I need to do and stay away from, how to cope with every type of situation that may arise. I've done nothing but work on growing myself to be the best person I could be for my son. He just stayed drinking away his problems, distracting himself in every type of way he could. Avoiding all responsibilities of becoming a father soon.

Fast forward to about a week ago, when a phone call got a little spicy heated between us and ended in me sending him some snapchats of myself by his request. I know I shouldnt have, he was with someone else, but I missed him and wanted one last feeling of being wanted by the man I always thought I'd marry. I did exactly what broke me the last 3 years of our relationship and I really didnt feel bad about it. For 2 days this continued until it just stopped and he got cold with me. Once again, I'm left broken hearted but this time, I know it's my own fault.

During the time before this, for months I highly considered giving my son my last name. It made sense. He wasnt reliable enough to even spend 30 seconds every day to call his son, how could I ever believe hed be there every day for him once he was born? It was logical. Everyone who knew our situation told me I should even before I brought up that being an option I was weighing in my mind.

A few days after our snapchatting stopped, I had to finally tell him. I couldnt bring myself to blindside him with something so serious. I should have, really, but I still hold his feelings deep in my heart, and I couldnt hurt the man I spent over 7 years with like this. So I told him. He broke. But not in any way I ever thought he would. He confessed how he still loved me, how everyone around him knows he still loves me, ending with how much this would break his heart, giving us no chance of ever being together again. We'd never be able to do things as a family, hed never look at me or our son again. It was, to say the least, extremely intense. But it also left me wondering if this was one of the many manipulative ways he knows to get what he wants. He always brought "us" up to get his way on things. It felt genuine, but I'm also extremely hormonal and yes I still love and miss him like crazy.

It's been a few days since then and theres been no word of any feelings since. Hes been cold and more distant and my heart is once again broken into a million pieces. Hes called a couple times but he still misses days. I was given the go ahead to try and self induce labour by my midwives so I have been. When he calls and asks what I did with my day, I'd tell him. Last night apparently I shouldnt have. I was met with anger because I should "leave him be, he'll come when hes ready" as if he knows any kind of physical pain I've been through these last few months.

These past 2 weeks alone I have felt nothing but pain. Between feeling my hips separating, my pelvic bones shifting and my son's head descending lower, constant back pain, not being able to walk properly, my kid sitting on nerves leaving my legs feeling paralyzed or sending shocks into my vagina. Not being able to sleep more than 2 hours at a time max, peeing every hour on the hour, his feet kicking my ribs so hard I curl over, getting his feet stuck under them as well. The pains are unimaginable as you can see, now mixed with all the emotional distress I've been under... you could imagine how I'm ready for this child to enter the world. But no.. I'm being selfish. He isnt ready. I'm fine to keep going. Because apparently my ex knows everything my body is enduring just to bring our child into this world. It broke my fucking heart last night when he yelled at me for it. Absolutely shattered it.

Which brings us to this picture. I couldnt sleep once again, and every time I woke up I was met with mind numbing depression and long crying spells. I feel more alone than ever. My 16-22 years of age is crying for me knowing this was all I ever wanted out of life and it has been constantly ruined and brought down by a man I never knew would act the way he has been. This pregnancy was so easy in almost every aspect compared to most women, I've been so so blessed to have such an easy time physically and yet I constantly feel as if he has ruined this experience for me. Sometimes the mental abuse from a man is worse than the physical. And he knew exactly how to ruin this all for his own selfish needs. I've spent all day today feeling ruined, beaten down, and just straight up depressed. I'm not ready to be a mother, infact I am absolutely scared shitless to be one. But I'm willing to go through being scared over all this physical pain I've been through that seems never ending. I'm ready to meet and love my little man. But once again I feel like I cant even be happy about it because of my ex.

I'm tired. I'm so so so tired of being so inlove with a man who has shown me time and time again he wont be the father I always knew he could be. My heart hurts so bad for my son every single day. And I'm just.... tired. Which is why I'm posting this picture along with my story. I know some women have it worse with their pregnancies and the fathers leaving. I know some men can be all of this plus physically abusive towards women. I know I dont have it the worst, but I'm trying. I need to for my son. I doubt this post will get very far, and I know a lot of judgment will come my way for it, but if my pregnancy journey can help even one woman not feel so alone, then I'm happy with sharing it.

[zackfiar-a]

hello class! today we’re going to learn about growth and the process of healing via zack fair

when zack entered SOLDIER he had bright eyes of optimism whilst having one goal and a dream in mind: to become SOLDIER 1st class and to become a hero just like sephiroth. however the longer he stayed in SOLDIER, the more he realized that hey ..... something isnt Right here. one of those that you cant have emotions attached to missions or the ppl that ur fighting against, that its just a reliability. thats not something he agreed with because he purely focuses with his emotions, whether it could be his downfall or not. he feels immensely, whether its anger towards himself or sympathy; something so trivial as emotions will jeopardize the mission (ie a mission to go search for angeal). 

and unfortunately, being as young and impressionable as he was, it was very easy for him to be manipulated by his higher ups (because of his intense enthusiasm and wanting to please his superiors) and not be able to form opinions of his own, lest they get tested and make himself doubt his loyalty to shinra. which is why he had no problem with going to wutai and trying to overtake fort tamblin, he was told wutai is the enemy of shinra. they’re the bad guys, without ever being told the reason why. like why did shinra name wutai as their enemy? why are they going at war with them?

his perception was warped by the toxic ideals and goals that shinra and SOLDIER had, even though his guy he knew it was wrong and that he should question those of higher power than him. 

it also took too long to realize that shinra, at the face, is a company and state helps the people and protect midgar from terrorists and others that dare face against shinra. that underneath, they were making monsters with an ancient alien that landed on earth years and years ago. he doesnt know why; doesnt know anything about the ‘promised land’ theyre searching for. he doesnt know anything about their goals of creating beings from jenova, g, and s - cells. the fact of the matter is, theyre stealing away innocent people just so shinra can experiment on them (and they all worked for shinra ie SOLDIER 3rd and 2nd class when genesis took them with him; probably others than he cant imagine).

being hit with the information that genesis is degrading from the g - cells and angeal being born from the result of experimentation from gillian, the clouds started to fade away from his eyes and hes actually surprised that the ppl that know this are okay with it. like it was common knowledge, which it wasnt! he didnt know anything about this! the fact that angeal knew about this and didnt tell him, he felt hurt and betrayed. he was blindly following in his footsteps of embracing your SOLDIER honor and your dreams, that the fact he was proud and happy that he was working for shinra! meanwhile they had secret labs scattered about banora, modeoheim, and nibelheim that these experiments were going on!

at this point, zacks faith in shinra is fading and his dream is being pushed to the back burner even when he does eventually become a 1st class. no thanks! you can keep it. not like he had a chance but accept it. when hes forced to kill angeal, theres a mix of emotions: intense sadness because he looked up to angeal and admired him greatly, with his skills and such inspiring ideals; and even tho he can handle himself without angeal, he felt like he was the last pillar in SOLDIER that he had. he also felt relieved and hurt, zack doesnt forget him keeping all this information of human experimentation a secret while zack was looking with a naive lense to wanting to protect the people. relieved in the sense that angeal was probably hurting and was rapidly degrading if the grey hair and pale skin at his death was any indication.

being inherited the buster sword wasnt something he took proudly, it was a heavier weight on his shoulders the point where was sagging. he felt the least he could do was become those that ppl looked up to as well. even tho he carries a piece of angeal, he just couldnt accept what he had tried to push onto him. SOLDIER honor, there wasn’t a thing that existed at this point. trying to convince himself that SOLDIER doesnt mean monster, he couldnt kid himself that it meant monster. 

during this time, he goes to the church and accept consoling from aerith. altho he doesnt talk about what happens, or what hes experiencing / feeling which eventually becomes his downfall. as a way to make himself feel better, he visits the church, immediately feeling calmed, but however with so much weighing on his mind, promising aerith to build the wagon for her flowers becomes half-hearted. he thinks this is enough to try and hes the burden he was inherited, to push away the trauma of having to kill his mentor and watching him die, and fighting monsters, that were at some point, people---  even to the point of no longer wanting to be a part of SOLDIER. ofc this doesnt work and isnt a viable way to cope with his experiences. 

being last straw is when he fights sephiroth when he burns down nibelheim. that was someone he looked up to and trusted, he joined SOLDIER wanting to be like him. except now hes dragged cloud and tifa into this whole mess, and he feels incredibly responsible for not intervening sooner. he shouldve seen the signs that it wasnt going to end well, but he gave him the benefit of the doubt, hoping that he wouldnt be like genesis and angeal (which he was wrong). witnessing that sephiroth was kept these very important and crucial details, made him realize it doesnt matter how important or popular you are in shinras eyes; if theres any hint that someone could retaliate, they will keep it a secret until its convenient for them. this severed anything else positive he felt for shinra.

he doesnt even realize he was put in a pod for 4 years (only assuming its been a couple of weeks at most), still imaging that hes 18 when he now has to physically free himself from shinras grasp. even while hes asleep, the nightmares and visions of angeal wouldnt waver. even though he could choose to leave cloud alone in the pod with severe mako poisoning, he didnt want to. cloud was his friend, and he felt solely responsible for him to be pulled within the crossfire. cloud wanted to join SOLDIER, well this was the reality. he couldnt even fight for himself or eat; but he was alive and that was good enough for zack. zack has this pushed guilt onto his conscious, so he makes sure to bring cloud with him everywhere he went, even casually talking to him like he can actually respond back. 

he doesnt even realize the reality that he wasnt a respected member of SOLDIER, by the words of hojo, they were both fugitives and even though zack was still asleep in that pod, he was so tired; emotionally, physically, and mentally. this whole thing, he had to see through, if not for himself, then for cloud. at least get him to midgar and try to continue living a separate part shinras greedy hands. there were certain times while trying to avoid shinra and hide, that he could just end himself several times, but clouds existence was a constant reminder that they both managed to live, besides he owed cloud so much, so ridding himself off wouldnt do them nearly enough good. 

so seeing genesis again got him angry, that he couldnt even blame him for the reason this was happening. whether genesis wanted to capture hollander to help further shinra in experimentation, it wasnt going to stop what was going on underneath the surface. seeing lazard with angeals face really made him weak at the knees, physically made him sick, and feeling temporarily relieved (which he doesnt forget of the fact that angeal is dead, that this isnt actually him but lazard who absorbed his cells).

and finally beating genesis, he still felt angry with only a small semblance of sympathy. even with his soft heart, he couldnt help but feel bad for him, going thru such great lengths just because he was a failure of an experiment and wanted to live longer than what he got. this wasnt genesis’ fault, it was shinras and that just made him more frustrated. 

and while hes with cloud, riding to midgar, he once again tries to push the anger, hurt, and frustration at the back of his mind to tell cloud silly stories while he was still in SOLDIER, and what he thought about cloud upon meeting him for the first time, and that feelings of doubts that hes sorry that cloud has to travel with a monster. with coming across the shinra army, he realized this was a final stand, being physically exhausted (even w the mutated s and mako infused cells, he doesnt feel nearly as strong as he did before). even though he no longer holds up the honor of SOLDIER, he needs to protect cloud and his own honor that hes built as a person, and nothing else.

when he succeeded by the skin of his teeth, he wonders why hes still alive, why hes still breathing, even though its hard. he lost sight in one eye, but he doesnt even realize how, everything happened so fast. was he shot? was he stabbed? who knows, but taking cloud to midgar while hes sitting on deaths edge himself, he will take cloud back even if it kills him. there are people there waiting for him, unlike zack--- no one is waiting for him to come back, the people that hes looked up to has died, or see him as a traitor. perhaps, you could count his parents, but hes so ashamed to see them face to face. he feels like if he did, he would break down. his cell phone has long ago stopped working, so who knows if anyone has sent him anything during the time of his slumber. he doesnt even know that kunsel is waiting for him to come back.

during this whole time, hes held in his feelings and emotions, shouldering all this himself. he hasnt talked to anyone previously about his trauma, the nightmares that prevent him from sleeping, or his doubt. being in the sector 7 slums and being taken care of, he puts on a false face that everything is okay, but it cracks when he hit his brink. crying and screaming, yelling how none of this is fair and how he shouldve been dead. he doesnt why hes alive but hes so tired. he was fully planning to die when he faced shinras army, not even thinking how to why, if there even is a reason. even though tifa and marle kindly provided him a room to rest in, theres a momentary frenzy where there are several deeply punched in walls, even unleashing his sword in blinded frustration. 

hes never been taught that it was okay to share your feelings, and being swallowed by the toxicity of SOLDIER, he felt as if it was weak to ask for help. hes encouraged and is told several times, while being in the slums, that its okay. theres always an ear to be lend to if one needs to talk about their woes, or something that deeply troubles them. not to mention, he has a hard time accepting that so much time as passed, that so much as changed and almost so many people forgot about him. hes lost so much of his younger years by SOLDIER, the lost of mental growth by being in a god damn mako infused pod. he needs to catch up, now finding home in the sector 7 slums (altho apologizing and insisting that he fix up the room that he ruined. it gives him something to do and he fees bad for destroying that was so graciously offered from kindness).

he spends his time around avalanche and tifa, not only trying to help up from the wounds he endured, but trying to move on. find easier methods to cope and deal with the stress in healthy ways thats not dangerous self destruction to himself and those around him. hes slowly coming to the conclusion that hes not a monster that hes so insisted on, but a victim and pawn of SOLDIER and shinra. hes angry at shinra. hes upset, frustrated, aggravated, among other emotions towards the former company hes worked for.

and even though this healing process is still slow, hes becoming much more happier than has been before. he finds home in the slums, and those people that has so welcomed him, even though untrusting because of his previous affiliation with SOLDIER. he loves the people, quickly befriending the entire sector 7 slums. 

hes come a long way since coming back to midgar, from self loathing and a weak, nearly broken spirit to his back optimistic, naturally smiling self that people love to be around. he has given shinra a lot, but he wont let them take away a person he was so proudly being before he entered SOLDIER, albeit still immature with mentality that hes still 18.