#his internal dialogue is 100% 'be normal be normal be normal be fucking normal-'

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

ive had this in my brain for like. two weeks. What If....

[bengiyo]

Never Let Me Go Ep 7 Stray Thoughts

Last time, Palm and Neungdiao fled to the beach to hide after Tanya and Chanon got shot in front of the house. We met Palm's mother, and she begrudgingly took them if they agreed to work. Nuengdiao showed his multilingual prowess by checking in an international gay couple (who I demand return to the plot). Palm spent the entire episode high-key flirting with Nuengdiao, but I am almost certain their ending will be bittersweet now.

Ah, yes, let's begin with Nuengdiao trying to be a normal person, Palm being overly helpful, and bed wrestling. A whole week of Jojo shows is doing wonders for my soul.

The fact that Nuengdiao was clearly turned on, but then sucks his teeth at Palm is so funny. Phuwin and Pond are working so well together.

Episode title: GOOD FORTUNE. Trembling with excitement if people are going to be bold.

I'm so glad Palm is actually watching out for Nuengdiao, because he gets clocked as a rich kid immediately, and almost blew their cover with a credit card.

It's kinda fun when characters who like each other a lot stand really close. Modern audiences know it's because they want to be all up in each other, but if you grew up watching content in 4:3, actors had to stand this close just to be in the frame together.

THE RETURN OF DAVID AND WU. We are living!

I feel like there's some sort of commentary to be made about people using English to communicate when it's not their first language.

Of course Wu sidled up next to Nuengdiao to dish in Mandarin about proposing. I love this show.

Every time Palm does something obviously flirty Nuengdiao looks at him like, "I will fuck you."

Phum is back. I love Pawin, but this character is always starting shit. I'm sure Pawin had fun pretending to curb stomp Chimon.

And we get to see Perth kicking ass?? This episode just keeps on giving.

I hope I don't have to feel weird about this preferred hand later.

What would dramas be without rooftops with which to have earnest, open dialogue?

Ben is very self aware, which makes his self-recrimination land well.

I'm gonna say this every week of every show I watch with him, but I absolutely love Perth's voice.

I feel like Ben has to know that Chopper likes him, which makes me wonder what happened between them for neither to talk about it openly even on the rooftop.

I wonder if Phuwin chose to suck his teeth in annoyance whenever Palm makes him swoon a bit. It's a nice detail.

Oh, this proposal was sweet.

Foot baths??? Jojo every episode this show gets gayer.

Nuengdiao, you can't just start talking about marriage while this man is massaging your feet... Though I do appreciate that Nuengdiao is aware of his own temper.

This night scene in bed is really fascinating with the Eclipse having aired recently. This is another example of needing to use illusions and blinders to have a moment of intimacy.

This fishmonger said, "500 baht per hour?? They don't even pay that in America! Get the fuck out of here!"

100 baht per day? We are working for the experience.

I feel like this is the first time Nuengdiao has really acquiesced to Palm.

I do love when they let the gays have spirituality.

Not these fortunes also contributing to the melancholy.

Well, that's what we expected of how Chanon became indebted to the family.

Tanya isn't dead yet. I think I prefer the drama this way.

Kit is such a fun villain to watch. I really love the way Nat is playing him.

Chopper is visibly disgusted. Perth is also really good. Brilliant to pair him with Nat.

We get a wedding here and a wedding in 2Cutie2Pie this week.

Yes, Palm, take that drink out of his hand. I can't believe we almost had to go through the same plot twice.

I know she is an absent mother, but I do appreciate her asking about the romance in dramatic terms.

She said, "I know you kissed him!"

She also said, "Just hold on loosely, but don't let go. If you cling too tightly you're gonna lose control."

They are back in the room, and Nuengdiao is feeling randy.

Okay, continuity question. If Nuengdiao needs a phone, how do they know Tanya is in a coma?

Nuengdiao is going to be a great manipulator someday. He's preempting all of Palm's objections to get him to agree to date him, even if it's only on this island. Then this man says, "Kiss me like you mean it. Kiss me like you want me."

Ah, that was a tasteful fade. The fic writers will have much to play with.

Damn, and now Chanon got arrested. Looks like beach time is over.

[hopeshoodie]

I can’t believe it took me until part 8 to do my favorite boy but

 Here are the pros and cons of dating

Noah

 Cons

Noah is really non confrontational, so he tends to let issues fester. It’s not that he’s trying to let things build up, it’s just that he doesn’t think they’re important enough to bring up. He won’t start a fight about them when they’ve built up, but if MC is angry about something he’ll mention that there’s a bunch of things he’s let go but not have specifics. It ends up coming out like ‘yeah well what about all the other things?!’ ‘what other things!?’ ‘I don’t remember!!’. He’s not actively keeping track of all her mistakes, he genuinely does forgive and forget, but then when tensions come to a boil he needs to point out that there has been conflict that he just ignored. He’s not trying to guilt or gaslight MC, but sometimes it feels like it. If she thinks especially little of his intentions, it feels like he’s just pulling things out of thin air to be mad instead of focusing on the issue. That’s not what he’s doing- he just doesn’t address little things until they feel like big things. But of course he hasn’t done the introspection to truly understand how doing this is hurtful or articulate that he doesn’t mean it to be. 

When he and MC disagree, he lets things go wayyy too easily. This is fine if MC is a really mature, self-reflective person who can see that she’s crossed a line after the fact. But if MC is a little more selfish/immature, like Lottie, this is a huge con because he doesn’t give her accountability that would help her grow. We saw this with Hope- she wasn’t able to recognize how harmful her temper was when she was dating Noah because he never pointed it out, he just rolled over. If there’s a genuine problem- financial, emotional, logistically, he’ll ‘let it go’ until it’s a way bigger problem (and much harder to solve). 

Sorry that most of these cons are about how he fights with people, but that’s what we saw in-game lol. I’d love to know more about how Lucas or Rahim fight with their partners. But when you’re arguing, Noah tends to focus on really little details of what you said instead of listening to the whole thing and getting a sense of the bigger picture. So let’s say the issue is ‘Noah, I need you to tell me when you’re borrowing my car because you took it to the gym and then it went from having enough gas to get me to work in the morning to being on empty. This morning I had to stop for gas and that made me late.” The issue there is actually ‘please tell me when you’re using my car”, but he fixates on the gas part and says “well fine I can fill up your tank”. So he focuses on little details that he can fix instead of acknowledging the actual problem.

He internalizes things so fucking hard. Yes he intellectually knows that when MC gives him feedback on things she’s talking about his BEHAVIOR and not him as a person, but he definitely feels like shit about himself if he makes a mistake and MC calls him on it. He’ll definitely beat himself up about things for weeks after it happens, and his internal dialogue in general is pretty toxic. 

I can see him being a bit of a workaholic. Not in the same sense that Camilo is in Boat Party, but Noah definitely will go into the library on a day he’s scheduled to be off if he has projects to work on or will stay late because he got engrossed in research. Same thing now that the library’s closed because of COVID- it takes him two times as long to put everyone online and work from home, so he’s spending more time working than ever. He views it through the lens of the ‘greater good’- getting that display set up for the patrons is more important that seeing his wife two hours earlier because many members of the community outnumber one person. Plus he just cares so much about his work that he has a hard time seeing it as an inconvenience to other people.

He loves his family so much. Even when MC and he get married and have kids, he struggles to prioritize them over his siblings and parents. So if his little brother Arlo needs money, Noah won’t hesitate to give him a loan even if he and MC are struggling financially. If his aging mom or dad can’t live alone anymore, Noah will invite them to move in with his family, even if their house isn’t big enough to accommodate more people. I can see this being a huge point of contention, especially in that second scenario where MC would have to take on a caretaker role as well. Noah just wants to help people so bad and has a hard time saying no, so that can sometimes impede his partner.

He’s really used to living on low income, and so he has a lot of frugal habits and concessions that he thinks are normal that someone more middle or upper class might find irritating. These are all coming from my experience and things partners have complained about- but think things like only eating out once a month or refusing to turn the heat on until it’s dangerous or making his own laundry detergent. He grew up doing them out of necessity (and still does, student debt on a public librarian’s budget? I couldn’t do it), so he doesn’t realize how strange or frustrating his habits might be to someone who isn’t used to it. He also has a really hard time justifying spending excessive amounts of money, so if MC has lavish taste there’s going to be some conflict.

He doesn’t like initiating anything. Conversations, activities… you know *smirk emoji*. He will, but the ratio of when Noah suggests something to when MC does is like 1:8

My boy is beautiful, and his clothes look lovely, but he has 7 outfits that he rewears all the time. The closest thing to fashion is him putting a different button up shirt underneath his vest. It’s definitely a joke at work that he wears the same sweater, button up, and quarter length shirt just in different colors. You know that vine where the teacher walks into the room wearing the same shirt in different colors, saying the same ‘hello’ for like a million days. Noah’s coworkers remake that with him, because that’s exactly what he does. 

He’s a bit of a homebody, and loves routine. For me, massive plus, I love that. But for someone who wants to party regularly or be spontaneous, I can see constantly changing plans and going out with people being really draining to Noah. He has a small group of close friends, so he’d struggle to remember MC’s friends' names if she has more than five. Don’t get me wrong, Noah will take MC to galleries and dates at least three times a month, but it has to be discussed and scheduled in advance. 

Pros

Honestly, what isn’t a pro about him? Noah is a steadfast, thoughtful, and kind person. His politics are about taking care of people, providing them dignity and respect, and building community. He loves his family and is incredibly patient. He’s incredibly smart but not at all classist or condescending about it. I know this is supposed to be about how the islanders affect the person they’re dating, but oh my god he’s such a good person I love him. Let’s just say the pro for this is his positive aura. 

He’s really good at group dynamics and listening, so he goes out of his way to make everyone feel heard and valued. If someone says something and no one acknowledges it, he’ll specifically engage with them so they’re not left hanging. If someone’s trying to get a word in but can’t, he’ll get everyone’s attention then say ‘so and so had an idea’. He’s not one to boisterously laugh in group settings, but he always makes eye contact and smiles if you make a joke that flops or say something he agrees with. If people are teasing about something, he picks up if it’s gone too far really easily and will gracefully change the subject/tell them to knock it off. 

He’s super conscientious about respecting boundaries and ensuring the people around him are taking care of himself. If MC and him are long distance and texting after 10pm, he’ll be like “I love you, but we’ve both got to sleep. I’ll talk to you tomorrow”. He’ll always check and make sure people have eaten when meeting up with them, and if they haven’t he’ll insist they get food from somewhere. 100% gives you his jacket, brings you water bottles, in general just wants you to take care of yourself. 

Above all else, Noah just always ensures the people around him feel safe. The last thing he’d want to do is make people uncomfortable, so safe driving, safe spaces, safe sex are all musts. He’s really good in crisis situations because he can calm people down and encourage them to think critically.  

Building off of that, he’s really aware of how much of the housework is being done by who and always tries to ensure he’s doing his part. I bet that was a big thing he ripped on Rahim for- Rahim expects his woman to clean up after him and do the bulk of the domestic work, and Noah knows that’s bullshit. I think Noah likes cleaning, anyways, and will usually take laundry/disinfecting bathrooms/cleaning dishes over cooking or running errands. But the mental load of keeping track of recipes/groceries that need replenishing and keeping up with kids needs, he’s aware of the imbalance and does his part. Obvious plus, because it sounds fucking exhausting to date a man. He fucking hates vaccuming though, and will splurge on a roomba. 

He has a dry sense of humor that’s very based in puns and hyperbole. Sometimes it’s hard to know when he’s joking or not, but he never makes you feel bad for missing a joke or dwells on something for too long. He absolutely subscribes to the Mcelroys’ No Bummers rule, there are some things you don’t joke about and he’s happy to shut down inappropriate comments or ‘jokes’. He definitely prefers physical gaffs and dumb ways of saying things, so his favorite comedians are John Mulaney and Chris Fleming. While humor isn’t an important part of how he relates to other people, Noah enjoys being around funny people and won’t shut down their energy like Rahim, Marisol, or Hope. 

This is just me projecting again but Noah is generoussss. Even though he doesn’t make a lot of money at the library, he still has a ‘mutual aid’ budget each month (and goes over it often). He’s the first one to give money to panhandlers, donate to gofundmes, and give friends/family personal loans. That definitely gets him into sticky situations sometimes, because he has a hard time saying no and can get taken advantage of, but ultimately I think it’s a pro because he’ll never forget where he came from and always prioritize helping other people. 

He has a really pretty, deep singing voice and this is a pro to me because fuck I meltttttt.

The shit he says to his partner or spouse? THE most romantic thing in the world. You think Mr. “you’re made of stardust” doesn’t shower his lover with the most meaningful lines at random times? You think he’s not quoting sappho and jane austen when he’s at a loss for words? You think he’s NOT going to turn over in bed on a lazy Saturday and say ‘this is the most perfect my life will ever be’? It’s not even prompted either, yes he’ll compliment Bobby or MC when they get all dressed up for date night, but more often he’ll profess his adoration in the middle of dinner, then take another forkful of food. 

Fantastic with kids, and this is a huge pro because people who can work with kids and be patient/positive with them make me so fuckim soft. But if/when (hopefully when because if MC didn’t want kids I don’t think it’d last) they had kids, Noah is happy to be on bottle duty, wake up early to the baby, and generally be a really involved parent. He’ll take a big chunk of paternity leave, and generally be there as much as humanly possible. Even when they have multiple little tyrants running around, he always makes time to be alone with MC and make sure she’s not taking on too much.

He’s basically a lesbian, which is definitely a reason I love him so much. Hear me out- loves milfs, loves 80s music, communicates affection through meaningful glances and playing with hair but will die before explicitly saying any of it, crushes on his best friend for the longest time but never makes the first move, puts way too much emotional meaning and personal metaphors into objects and then presents them as gifts, is into fandoms and actively collects pop figures, is attracted to assertive/powerful women, wears beige skinny jeans, wears VESTS….. That’s a lesbian. He’s a bisexual man, but he’s also an honorary lesbian.

A really good confidant. Noah’s an amazing listener and never judges people harshly- his life philosophy is as long as you’re not hurting anymore or yourself, everything else is details. So you can definitely tell him secrets and confess regrets to him and he’ll listen with those soft eyes and gentle nods. Talking to him about mistakes always feels like unburdening yourself. And he’d never tell your secret to anyone. Doesn’t matter if you cheat on him, lie to him, or die, he’s never going to tell anyone your secrets. 

[tsarisfanfiction]

100 Whump dialogue prompts

65 - Gordon.

The First Reforging

Fandom: Thunderbirds Rating: Teen Genre: Angst Characters: Gordon

65) “I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can barely fucking breathe because they’re gone and it’s my fault. And god knows what they’re doing to them right now and I’m just sitting here doing nothing!”

The guilt fest is strong in this one...  Also many plot questions to answer - which is complicated by the fact that the very next ask in my inbox is the same number, but just a different character!

100 Whump Dialogue Prompts

(Alternatively, I’m still doing: Drabble Challenge: 1-150 (feel free to specify a fandom/character), Send me ✨ and a character/ship for a songfic drabble or Random Question Prompts.)

Gordon enjoyed WASP.  Well, enjoy might be the wrong word - skirmishes, battles, and tough orders from Above left many a submariner scarred and broken, and Gordon was not exempt from the harshness of the life - but he fit in.  Months at a time beneath the water felt more like home than Kansas had ever been.  The only thing missing was his brothers, but even that wasn’t a lack.

He didn’t want his brothers here.  Alan was too young.  Virgil too soft.  John too breakable.  Scott... he knew Scott could have hacked it - he was Air Force, after all, with their equal levels of skirmishes and battles and too many scars - but did he want his overprotective big brother clucking over him like the smother hen he’d always been while he was trying to prove he could swim with the best of them?

Normally, the answer to that was hell no.  He didn’t want to be stuck in Scott’s shadow, the base baby just because he had a big, overachieving brother inevitably higher in the ranks trying to hold his hand even though the lifestyle didn’t really allow for it (if anyone could, though, it would have been Scott).

Today, like yesterday and the days, week and a half, before, he wanted that security blanket.  He wanted the big brother who could tell him everything was going to be okay and fought the world to make it happen.  He’d take being laughed at as the base baby.  He’d take the jibes and embarrassment and everything else that came along with it, because it would mean he wasn’t alone.

WASP’s front lines weren’t the same as on land.  There was no way to draw a line in the water and say “this is where we sit”.  There were territories, but much like the ocean itself, they moved with the tide and a hundred other factors.  WASP’s front line was wherever the rebel submarines appeared.  Whichever craft they attacked.

Unless you were right in the middle of a pod, you could be the front line any moment, and Gordon had found that out the hard way.

They’d been boarded.  The rebels were vicious, and no doubt had inside intelligence from the ease with which they’d navigated the internal workings of the Manta he’d been assigned to for that mission.  His crewmates had been slaughtered.  Gordon himself had been left for dead, luck the only grace by which he’d survived the attack.

He’d still been conscious to hear the screams of the two crewmates that had been taken.  Objectively, there was nothing he could have done.  Objectively, he was very lucky a Stingray had responded to their distress call in time to save his life, if nothing else.

The human brain didn’t do objectively.  The human brain did guilt and hallucinations and self-flagellation until he barely had the facts straight and insomnia was a self-defence while food tasted like death.

He was still hospitalised.  Still recovering physically, still hadn’t even started on the mental healing.  They hadn’t told his family.  If he got through, they wouldn’t.  If he didn’t...  Well, WASP was no place for a man who couldn’t pull himself back together again.  So Scott wasn’t here, none of his family were here, and all he had was a standard-issue therapist probing to see if he was a lost cause.

He’d snapped more than once.  He was tough, but his steel hadn’t been tempered in fire yet.  That would come later, once this passed and he pulled himself back together.  Like a warrior.  Like a Tracy.

“I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can barely fucking breathe because they’re gone and it’s my fault!” he’d screamed the first time the therapist visited.  “And god knows what they’re doing to them right now and I’m just sitting here doing nothing!”

He wasn’t doing nothing.  He was healing, but it felt like doing nothing.  Maybe if they were all just dead it wouldn’t hurt so much.  There was nothing to be done for the dead; he’d lost enough precious people already to know that.  But alive and taken?  The uncertainty of it all was what really hurt.

They were probably already dead, but there were no bodies to show for it.

He never saw them again.  Never heard their names in passing.  He healed, although healed was the wrong word.  He rebuilt himself, the first tempering of what would one day be nigh unbreakable steel, and despite wishing for Scott then, never told his family what had happened.

Alan was too young.  Virgil too soft.  John too breakable.  Scott...  Scott had his own demons.

[syms-things-5]

Clear The Area - Chapter Seventeen

Previous Chapter Here

Warnings: Strong language and an air of discomfort.

Notes: I hope this reads OK as it’s quite dialogue-heavy.

Tags: @kelbabyblue @jennmurawski13

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN 

The night shifts weren’t all bad. From time to time, they were even as good as “pretty straight forward”. They proved especially useful when trying to finish patient notes and random admin that always got left to the very end of the shift. Perhaps they’d endure a tidy-out of the stock cupboards if the crew was feeling generous. Since O’Brien had taken up his post at the hospital years earlier, he had insisted upon mandatory training updates for the ER units every three to four months (the national average was about once a year) so the team were regularly reminded not to set fire to their computers and not to leave boxes in places people could trip over. You’d be surprised how often both those things happened in an emerging crisis. 

“I swear he thinks we’re idiots half the time.” Complained Jack, his head now glued to the palm of his hand. Jack was hurtling towards an early retirement thanks to an ever-increasing distrust of the corporate environment ER departments found themselves in. We trained to save lives, he’d say, not file stat reports. He was so right, it hurt. 

The crew was sat round the reception desk. The ER was empty except for a local homeless man the team allowed in from time to time to sleep off his latest drunken adventures. 

“Who doesn’t know how to bend their knees when lifting something heavy?” Jack asked again. 

“Ryan for one.” Sarah joked, pointing her cold cup of tea towards the fellow nurse in question. Ryan was a tall and skinny guy, not dissimilar to Alexander Skarsgard in the right light but with less charm although he had left a few of the interns swooning of late. Shanna quite liked him, too. 

“One time, Sarah. One time and I suffered for it greatly.” Ryan remarked, spinning a full 360 in his swivel chair. “Did you tick ‘agree’ or ‘strongly agree’ for question eleven?” 

“Oh, if you don’t tick ‘strongly agree’ even if you only ‘agree’, they mark you down a couple of percentage points.” Entered Audrey, slamming down a pile of files on the desk beside Sarah. Their nightly routine just got more interesting. “Just get it over with. It’s not worth the effort. It’s just O’Brien being obsessed with stats again. He turns everything into a competition. I swear it’s unhealthy.”

Ryan looked momentarily confused before returning to face his computer screen. He re-read the question for the fifth time and rubbed his eyes in resignation. Something about 3am made this far too complicated. 

“When did you even find time to do this, Aud?” Jack asked, turning back to Sarah and Audrey in time to witness their shared look self-satisfaction. “I’ve been sat here for half an hour and am still only part way through the first section.” 

“I logged in at home earlier.” she responded before catching Sarah’s quizzical look. “Well, Michael did most of it for me.” 

“Fucking hell!” exclaimed Jack, chucking his pen on the table, giving up. “Got no chance then, have I? Michael’s a bloody genius. Hey, how much for him to do mine?” 

“Normally I’d say $100 but he’s pretty cheap these days.” shrugged Audrey. “Probably a fancy cigar would do.” 

“He still grumpy about the you-know-what?” whispered Sarah to her friend when the guys started joshing between themselves. 

Audrey leaned back on the desk beside her and took the mug from Sarah’s hands to take a sip, grimacing slightly at the sweetness. For some reason, Sarah had to have at least three sugars in her tea if she was drinking it post-midnight. It helped to keep her more alert apparently. She didn’t drink it like that at any other time of the day. “No more than usual. Seems like we’re both unlucky in that department at the moment.” 

Sarah smiled at her in acknowledgement, lips thin before biting the inside of her cheek. 

Following their last meet-up, Chris had been decidedly quiet. Too quiet almost. It was weird. He hadn’t messaged her. He hadn’t called or visited their apartment except to collect a parcel he had left. Sarah has been out for a run at the time and had felt silently glad to have missed him. He hadn’t updated his twitter and there had been multiple sports events occurring that would have guaranteed a humblebrag or five. Shanna had pledged to buy rib-eye steaks for a Saturday night meal during a Celtics game and he had cancelled at the last minute citing an interview he had conveniently forgotten. Even Audrey thought it was weird. If anything was guaranteed to get his attention and bring him out of whatever funk he was in, it was the promise of sports and a ‘Grade A’ barbeque. 

Shanna merely put it down to his laziness or him having something better turn up. Scott had started replacing Chris around their apartment, wanting to get some of his own distance from the tricky Zach situation and it helped her feel better knowing he was at least in touch with him if Shanna wasn’t. He was evidently still alive. 

Sarah decided to swap a couple of daytime stints to partner up with Audrey for the nights. She needed the comfort of working with a good friend to calm her down from whatever ledge her anxiety had placed her on. 

“You know that he’ll come back, right?” Audrey interrupted her thoughts. Maybe Sarah spoke too soon. “Haven’t you got that birthday thing for Lisa coming up?” 

That trip was a couple of weeks away yet. She was trying to bank some reasonable excuses but everything sounded lame in the cold light of day and Lisa was never going to accept her not coming as well. Surely things would have smoothed themselves out by then? 

“This won’t just fix itself, hun, you’ll need to speak to him eventually. And the sooner the better.” 

It was like Audrey had a hotline straight into Sarah’s psyche. It was unnerving at the best of times. Sarah knew she was right of course. It’s just, a little bit of distance would be a good thing, right? Even Chris himself had offered that advice from time to time, and stressing herself out at this point almost seemed counterintuitive. 

“I reckon you could go in an hour or so if you wanted.” Audrey offered, nudging her friend with her elbow to bring her back into the room. “It’s dead out there.”

“I hope not.” Sarah joked, trying to lighten the mood. “We’d be shit at our jobs if that was the case.” 

Audrey laughed for the first time since Sarah could remember that day. It was moments like this that reminded her of why she enjoyed working alongside her so much, and why she didn’t mind if it resulted in overtime. 

“You wanna take patient referrals while I take the EPRs?” 

“How can I refuse an offer like that?” Sarah picked up the dozen or so documents sat in front of her and grabbed the nearest chair. Audrey told her she’d put the kettle on and nudged the guys still glued to their screens. Ryan had pretty much given up logical thinking and was now ticking random boxes. Jack was cursing under his breath. O’Brien was going to be in for a real treat when he could finally tabulate the responses. 

It was nearing 6.20am when Sarah and Audrey finally packed up to go. Matt and Stephanie had just arrived to take over for the morning, bringing a fresh perspective for the day. There wasn’t much for them to catch up on so it should be a smooth few hours at least. Sarah even ran a mop through the staff locker room as an added gift – Steph was a notorious clean freak – nearly tripping Greg up in the process. 

He’d been on leave for the past fortnight and his hair was a little longer than she remembered. A five o’clock shadow graced the lower part of his face and it suited him more than she thought it would. He had kept up with the informal tie-less attire and he seemed to be, dare she it, enjoying himself. 

“God, I’m so sorry.” She held her hands up in a mock mea culpa. “I was just gonna put it away before heading out. It was a stupid place to leave it.” 

“Did you not take the Health and Safety refresher?” he joked, rebalancing himself and trying to play down the redness creeping into his cheeks from the embarrassment of temporarily losing his footing in front of her. 

“You gonna rat me out to O’Brien? ‘Cos you know as well as I do that he doesn’t need yet another reason to know he’s right.” She shifted the mop and bucket and placed them back in the supply closet before reaching for her bag again. 

“Nah, don’t worry about it.” He moved passed her before turning to face her again. “Tell you the truth, I ghosted the last couple of tabs myself. Who knew there were so many ways to ask questions about standing in elevators?” 

Sarah rolled her eyes in acknowledgement. “Yeh. I can’t wait to have the team meeting when he realises we’ve all pretty much done the same thing. That’s gonna be fun. I might finally take some of my holiday.” 

“Yeh, good plan. Hey listen,” His words stopped her in her tracks, feet from the exit. “Um, I know it’s been a while but I was wondering if you might want to reschedule that tennis match some time? Or if not, we could get some dinner or something? There’s that new sushi place on Reagan Street. It’s meant to be really good if you fancy it?” 

She was indeed familiar with that very restaurant thanks to the glowing reviews she had been unable to avoid since it opened. Audrey had only mentioned it a mere thousand times in her presence. Word was that bookings were now months in advance so she wasn’t sure how Greg was hoping to find a table unless he wanted to make plans with her in November. Given the number of commitments he always appeared to have going on, it wouldn’t be completely outside the realm of possibility. 

“Wow, I thought that place was fully booked?” 

“Yeh, it is, but I went to college with one of the investors and he’s promised me a one-off.” 

Of course he did. Sarah bit her bottom lip to stop herself from chuckling out loud, imagining Audrey’s face when she would inevitably find out. To be honest, she was genuinely surprised he was still showing a minor interest in her. When she finally made eye contact with him, his earnestness was practically shining. Had he always had perfect skin?  

“Um…” That was a good start, she thought. 

“Honestly, it’s not a big deal if you’d rather not.” He helpfully pre-empted her awkward rejection but she wasn’t sure if that was a good thing. “I’ve been meaning to go is all and I knew you liked sushi and figured it might be fun? They have live Jazz on Sunday nights.” 

When did he find out she liked sushi? And live Jazz? Just how much had Audrey told him about her? 

Realising she probably looked perplexed, she shuffled her shoulder strap back up onto her shoulder and tried to relax the awkwardness setting in between them. It was still quiet and no one was within earshot that she could figure out of her peripheral vision. 

“It’s not you, Greg, I promise. It’s just, I’m not really looking to get into anything right now. With anyone. Plus, we work together and…I’m sorry. I hope that’s OK?” 

“Hey, look, I promise it won’t be awkward. There’s absolutely no expectations from me and if you change your mind, just let me know, yeh? I literally know no one else who likes Sashimi so I can’t waste my only chance to get a table.” He chuckled and she felt more at ease. 

“If it’s any consolation, I’m a pretty crap date.” She smiled at him as she edged herself down the hall, putting space between them both literally and figuratively. “You wouldn’t be missing out.” 

“Oh, I doubt that somehow.” He returned her smile. “I’m serious, though. Just let me know. Anytime. No expiration date.” 

And with that, she had been left dumbfounded by two men in the space of a single week. 

* 

It would have been easier to get the early morning bus home at this time, as tired as she was starting to feel. She hadn’t slept well in the last few days and she had a creeping nausea from the lack of proper rest. The walk and crisp, fresh air might do her some good. It was practically full daylight even at this hour, and it was sometimes fun to watch people on their own way to work, huffing along, trying not to drop their coffees. 

The out-of-town school bus passed her a few minutes out from her apartment and as she rounded the corner, she got this weird sense that someone was watching her. Another corner turned and she could see her building in the near distance. Still, she couldn’t shake it. She stopped, pretending to fumble for her phone in her pocket and turned around swiftly to see a sweaty Chris stop a few steps behind her. 

It took her a moment to register it was in fact him, his beard fuller and a Red Sox cap pulled down low over his eyes. He had sweats and sneakers on and looked like he was on a run. Honestly, if someone else had spotted him from this distance, they would have worried he was going to attack her. 

“Hey,” she said, turning to fully face him. “What are you doing out at this time?” 

He didn’t respond at first. He shuffled from one foot to the other before grounding himself and taking a couple of steps towards her. Again, he shuffled back a step like he was rethinking his move. She didn’t appreciate seeing him like this, so unsure of himself. 

“Five months out from filming some pre-shoots so figured I’d make a start.” He finally spoke. Not a really a smile but he at least sounded OK. 

“Cool.” She said, nodding back at him. “Um, I’m not sure if Shanna is awake yet but do you want to come inside for some water or coffee?” 

“Yeh, that’d be great. Thanks.” 

She turned to continue walking on. For a few long moments, he stayed walking slightly behind her. A couple more strides and he had decided to catch up. The last time it had taken this long to walk this same street, she had been so drunk she had narrowly avoided falling into her neighbour’s front garden. 

“Five months? You’re not that out of shape.” She tried to make a joke. It was the only thing she could think of. Audrey would be eye-rolling like a champ if she could see them now. 

Chris knew she was trying to make small talk now so he decided to indulge her. It was a fair response, he thought - he was doing OK - as he followed her up the stairs deliberately keeping two or three behind her in an effort to keep it casual. 

“Oh, y’know. I fluctuate pretty easily. A few pizzas here and there and it’s game over.” 

They walked into her kitchen and she had been right in assuming Shanna was still asleep. Unless she had awoken really early but that was highly unlikely, unless there was a sale at Ted Baker she didn’t know about. 

He lingered in the doorway while she searched the fridge for a bottle of water. Grabbing one from the back, she turned to hand it to him expecting him to be within an arm’s reach from her but he had been distracted by something down the hall before turning back to her. Gratefully, he accepted it and walked into the kitchen to take up his usual spot leaning against the counter. 

“Sorry, did you say you wanted a coffee?” She offered. 

“Nah, I’m good. Can’t really take caffeine until this afternoon.” 

“Sorry. I always forget how strict it is.” She apologised, offering him a sympathetic smile. 

He took a long swig from the bottle, not breaking eye contact from her. “No need to apologise. You OK? Night shift?” 

“Yeh. Pretty quiet, thankfully.” 

“I’ve always meant to ask but what is it like, a night shift? I can’t work out if it would be worse or not.” 

She understood what he meant and laughed. “It can go either way to be honest but it’s been quiet the last few nights. Nothing crazy. I caught up with some paperwork, so…” She shrugged again, acutely aware of how boring she must sound. 

He nodded at her. “Aren’t people supposed to be crazier in the summertime?” 

“Well, kids are around more and families tend to spend more time together, so…” 

The apartment was unnervingly quiet now which was weird. She could hear the uptake in traffic outside which provided some relief that perhaps he couldn’t hear her heart beating out of her chest. She could make out some small sweat patches on his hoodie and it did something to her that she wasn’t expecting. Shaking the thought from her head, she turned to switch the kettle off. 

“What?” He asked. 

She jerked her head back around to face him. “Huh?” 

“You were thinking of something. Your neck just went red.” He smiled, tilting his head at her and relishing the look of surprise making its way over her features, knowing he’d caught her out. 

That was news to her. She knew she had “tells” but a red neck was not usually one of them. How come no one had ever told her about this? 

“I can’t tell if you’re joking with me or not.” She inquired, playfully narrowing her eyes at him in an effort to lighten the mood. 

He shrugged a shoulder at her, a smirk starting to cross his fine features. Joshing with her was good. She’d take that. A small step in the right direction. 

“Sometimes, it’s really obvious. You get it when you’re embarrassed about something, or when you try to lie. I’d never really noticed it before, but...” He paused. His expression started to turn more thoughtful and she wished he’d just continue to make fun of her instead. 

“Guess I won’t be playing poker anytime soon.” She finished the thought for him. 

“Yeh, no, you’d be rubbish at that. Just terrible.” He took another swig from his bottle and waited for her to throw something at him. 

“Thanks.” 

“You’re welcome.” 

The room went quiet again. She stirred her mug of coffee and offered him another chance at one which he politely refused although his discipline was waning slightly now he could smell it. 

“So this is fine.” He said after a couple of minutes, nodding in a slightly exaggerated manner. He looked out of the kitchen window. “We can do this, right? No awkwardness. No embarrassment. Just normal, everyday conversation.” 

“’Course,” she nodded in agreement. 

“Start as we mean to go on, right?” 

She nodded again. This felt like a trap and she couldn’t put her finger on why. Chris had a knack for saying and doing two different things at the same time, an intimidating ability that often put people on edge if he thought it would serve his purpose, whatever that may be. Probably the actor in him. When you called him out, he would aggressively defend himself which only served to prove the point you were making in the first place. 

Scott was the only one, truly, who knew when it was happening. It had taken Sarah years to get to a similar position but now, she wasn’t sure she was remotely close to it. 

“It’s as good a starting point as any, I guess.” She shrugged again, sipping from her cup. 

“So there’s no need to ignore me then.”  

“I haven’t been ignoring you, have I?” 

“You tell me. I’m just pre-empting it is all. I’m just saying we can still interact, you and me, if we need to. Like, it doesn’t always have to be in social settings with other people around.” He took a final drink from his bottle and turned to locate the recycling pot stashed away in the corner. Even with a mundane task, he always looked cool doing it. 

“So don’t worry about it.” 

“Alright then. That’s good to know.” She shot him a raised eyebrow which he caught and returned with a sly smirk. “I’m just trying to be sensible. We have to get this right or else there’s no point.” 

“I know, I get that, too.” If he wasn’t attempting to be serious before, he was now. He had a hand on his hip and seemed to have grown a few inches in height. “What do you think I’m trying to say?” 

“I…think I’m on the backfoot again and it’s weird.” She held a hand up in defence. 

“Hey, I’m just doing what we agreed, OK? I’m just following your rules.” 

“They’re not rules.” She struggled to regulate the volume in her voice in case she disturbed Shanna. “And you’re making it sound like I’m controlling the situation when I’m not. We both agreed on this. There’s no point being difficult about it.” 

Was he being difficult? Yes. Obviously, he was. He wasn’t happy. He wasn’t sure what he was feeling but happy definitely wasn’t it. Things were out of sorts and he hadn’t been able to eat carbs or sugar for four days so the withdrawal symptoms certainly weren’t helping. He should go easier on her. She was doing the thinking for the both of them. He should learn to be more grateful for that. 

He scratched the back of his head and let out an audible sigh in frustration. “I’ll try harder, I promise. We’ve got that cabin thing coming up with Mom, so…I promise I’ll be good.” 

He imitated the scout salute and she smiled at him, a smile not quite reaching her eyes. 

* 

Another night shift and Audrey and was starting to get suspicious. No one willingly switched for a night shift. For one thing, there was a disproportionate amount of recovery time. A couple of night shifts often took in excess of a week to recover from; a week that a nurse definitely did not have to spare. 

“He been buggin’ you?” she asked, finally growing tired of the silence. 

“Who?” Sarah looked up from the cabinet. “No, not really. We haven’t really spoken.” 

“So why are you ignoring him?” 

“I’m not ignoring him! Why does everyone think that?” 

“Who’s everyone?” 

Crap. Audrey had her there. Sarah open and closed her mouth without a sound coming out. She took a breath. “He’s not bugging me. He’s not. I’m just trying to limit the times we’re in the same place at the same time.” 

“Huh, you’d think he would at least allow you to have peace in your own home.”  

“Well, to be fair, he hasn’t been around all that much, but…at least I don’t have to worry about him showing up unannounced. It’s stupid but I feel way more awkward about him than I thought I would. It’s like I can’t even stand to be under his gaze.” 

Audrey glanced at her friend, wishing she could offer some words of comfort. Even for someone as verbose as she normally was, she was finding it a struggle. Sarah wasn’t much looking for words of comfort at the given time either. She was all too aware of the predicament she was in and how much responsibility laid at her feet. In her mind, waiting it out was the only logical solution she could come up with. The only logical solution that didn’t require more conversations with someone who could feasibly run rings around her “theory” that if they just stayed apart for a little while, they would suddenly and magically forget about the past couple of months. 

They stayed filing documents in silence again, the air seemingly getting thicker. 

“You ever spoken with someone and it’s like they’re thinking the complete opposite of what’s coming out of their mouth?” Sarah huffed while shoving the cabinet drawer closed. 

“Not really. That person’s usually me.” 

“But why?” she asked. “Why can’t you just be normal?”  

“I mean, it’s not my go-to response of course. It’s normally reserved for occasions when I am trying to indulge someone because I know they’re talking bullshit. Like, when I know Mike has been gambling but he tries to deny it? It’s just easier to figure him out that way.” 

Sarah froze to the spot, looking at her friend. She breathed a heavy sigh and turned to lean back on the table behind her and crossed her arms. She stared at her shoes for a second. 

“Chris is a smart guy. I’ll give him that.” Audrey muttered loudly so she was sure Sarah could hear. 

“Give me something! I’m your friend here.” She implored her before chuckling to herself at Audrey’s face and her own apparent lack of self-awareness. 

“You know what I think? You’ve probably got withdrawal symptoms from the all the amazing sex you’ve had and now you’re sulking. I think you should get back on that horse and let him fuck you again. That’s what this is.” 

Sarah eyed her friend again. For once, she would love to hear someone tell her that she was right. “That’s really not helping, y’know.” 

“And this is?!” Audrey’s shriller tone cut through the dry air, smacking Sarah right in the face. “Honey, this isn’t healthy. You hiding out in the hospital and treating it like your own solace is not healthy at all. I love you but you are your own worst enemy.” 

“Alright, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you for your unswerving efforts to be honest with me at all times and not, like a normal pal, be comforting in any way.” Sarah comically bowed to her friend before considering leaving the office. She would have followed through with the idea as well if it wasn’t for the cosy warmth of O’Brien’s office versus the coldness of the ER department thanks to a leaking pipe. “It’s difficult. I’m sorry. I don’t wanna fall out with you, Audrey.” 

Audrey just smiled at her. “I don’t know why you think you have to be the beacon of morality all the time, Sarah. Take a look around. No one else is. We all out here just trying to live our lives as best we can and a part of that is taking advantage of moments of happiness when we find them.” 

Something about what Audrey was saying did resonate with her but comparing two months of happiness with Chris to ten years with Shanna was not something she could in good conscience do. Shanna was her security blanket. She provided a comfort of living with someone with shared life experience, of knowing how little you thought about yourself because you were given up as a baby. Honestly, from the very first day they had met, Sarah felt lucky to know her. 

Yes, Shanna could be immature at times. Maybe a little selfish. She would often get carried away with trivial things and wasn’t the most reliable person, but what Sarah got in return was worth that and more. Her family enjoyed highlighting the maternal care Sarah would have to provide to someone who was seven months older than she was, but honestly it didn’t matter. 

Maybe this was one of the rare occasions where Audrey was wrong. 

Chris was a fling at best, Sarah told herself, when she was lying in bed struggling to fall asleep. When she was cold and missing his arms around her. They were both having shitty times and they both got something out of it. That was what Chris had said himself at the very beginning. 

Chris 08.15am: You home? Shanna said you were working late again 

It was like he knew she would be thinking about him. 

Chris 08.17am: I really dont want u ignoring me all the time. This is hard for me right now as well 

Fuck. 

Sarah 08.21am: I kno. I’m so sorry I made you feel like that :(

He didn’t respond. She thought she saw the tell-tale three dots of him writing something but nothing appeared. Giving up on sleep, she got up and headed into the kitchen. Shanna had left her some bacon in the fridge and a fresh bread bun on the side so she turned on the grill and set about making some coffee. 

She felt strangely awake for this time and the apartment was nice and warm from the bright sunshine streaming in from all corners. Maybe a run would help. Or a cold shower.  

Chris 08.44am: I wanna be honest with u but I dont think u want that 

Chris 08.45am: so what do i do?? 

Fuck knows. 

Chris 08.51am: Can I come over? 

Sarah 08.54am: that’s not a good idea 

Chris 08.55am: cos you know what will happen? 

Chris 08.56am: what does that tell you?? 

She was sure he was nursing some kind of hangover or, quite possibly, he was still a little bit drunk. There were two responses she could give, she figured. The first would be her usual denial and perhaps an excuse that she was busy or working later than planned. The second, and ultimately the one she opted for, was to agree with him. 

Sarah 09.05am: I know what it tells me. That’s why I’m saying you shouldn’t come over 

Another three dots followed. There was only so many times they could go around and around in circles and as much as Audrey’s words made sense to her, it felt like she had to make the effort to regain some normality. 

He didn’t respond. She stared at her phone for an age but nothing came through. Maybe he got the message? Maybe he had fallen asleep. She was both relieved and suspicious; Chris wasn’t someone who backed down from an argument when he thought he was right. He had said as much himself. 

She turned the grill off, having lost her appetite. A run might make more sense and could help clear her head. 

She couldn’t sit around waiting for Chris to make his next move. 

*

[keiths3dart]

Max in the Black Lodge: A Life is Strange / Twin Peaks Crossover.

Part 4.

“Hello?”

Max tried to open her eyes, everything was black but she found she couldn't. She couldn't feel her body, she'd tried but there was no feedback from her mental commands. She couldn't even feel herself breathing, or her heart beating. She couldn't see or hear or feel. She was just, there. In the darkness.

Max began to panic, spared the sickening sensation in her gut but nonetheless terrified despite the lack of input from her endocrine system. She was dead. She was living out the last dying embers of her brain activity before oblivion snuffed out everything she'd ever been.

She'd never see Chloe again. Never feel the warmth of the sun on her face again. Never do anything ever again. She wanted to cry but couldn't. She wanted to scream but couldn't. She tried to work out how she'd died, but she couldn't even remember that. She remembered trying to rewind her way out of the Red Room with Rachel. She remembered pain. Unimaginable pain. Then it had all become black and empty.

Obviously there had been no reply to her query. She'd probably just imagined calling out anyway. All she could do was exist here in the blackness, waiting for her brain to run out of Oxygen and ATP with no contact with the world she was departing.

So this is what it means when they say we all die alone?

Calhoun Memorial Hospital, Twin Peaks WA.

Maxine Caulfield lay in a bed, a regular bleep came from the monitors to her side. Cardiac rhythm, 75bpm normal sinus. Blood Pressure 117/83 mmHg. SpO2 98%. All normal. GCS 4, about as bad as it gets.

Doctor William Hayward, mere weeks from retirement looked solemnly down on her. It was happening again. Her condition eerily similar to Ronette Pulaski. Complete catatonia rather than coma. What trauma had turned this young visitor to the town so far inwards upon herself? Was it related to the events of the early 90's with Ronette and Laura? The conspiratorial hushed conversations between Hawk and Bobby served only to fuel his suspicions. The girl had been up in the woods, the source of all the dark secrets of the town's past .

The two other girls had checked out fine. The blue haired one had been teetering on the edge of hysteria and was now feeling the benefit of the 2 valium he had given her. She sat now, drowsy and tearful at her friend's side tenderly holding her hand.

The other, the blonde had appeared strangely calm, a little vague and detached but physically fine. She too stayed with her friends but had just excused herself to visit the restroom.

Dr Hayward planned to do an EEG, there was still a possibility of an organic cause for her condition though cranial x-ray had shown no apparent trauma either diffuse or focal to her brain. But he wanted to be sure, wanted to see what activity was going on in her head. Wanted to give hope that Maxine was still in there somewhere. Wanted desperately not to see anything that indicated that the strangeness and horror had returned to Twin Peaks.

Prescott Memorial Hospital, Arcadia Bay, Oregon:

It had been a generally settled night on the psychiatric ward, George Wisnowski had been up and about through the night and had not been able to settle despite PRN Zopiclone and Lorazepam but he'd been no management problems, just a bit manic and restless. Other than that, the only other notable event overnight had been Nathan Prescott's nightmares.

The day staff had begun to trickle into the office, most cradling their morning Starbucks like a precious newborn baby.

Joanne Steele savoured the thought of behaving likewise to the glass of wine she'd have when she got home. She just had to get through handover and her night's work would be done.

And so she began her run down of the patients, exercising that particular skill unique to nurses the world over of finding 16 different ways of phrasing 'Settled and Slept’.

As she progressed, the waking state of the morning shift, fuelled by 100% Arabica shifted from inert to neutral, the dead eyes pointed at Joanne gradually gaining just enough sparkle to negate the temptation to check some of them for a pulse.

“Nathan Prescott, he had something of an unsettled night. He woke about two screaming out in his sleep. When we asked him about it he said he could hear Maxine Caulfield in his head screaming for Chloe. Maxine and Chloe, as you may know were involved in exposing the whole Jefferson scandal, and Nathan slipping back into ruminating on this period of his life even subconsciously could adversely affect his recovery."

Joanne leant back with a sigh. Job done.

“And that, ladies and gentlemen, is your happy bunch. I wish you all a very good day. I for one, am outta here”.

“I've got to get out of here”.

Max’s internal dialogue. She'd come to the conclusion she wasn't actually dead. She'd lingered non-corporially in the formless black for so long she couldn't possibly be lying dead in a heap in the Ghostwood.

That was about the only comforting thought she had. Any further analysis of her apparent situation ended that comfort. Lost, trapped, helpless, alone and with nothing to work with vis à vis an exit strategy. Max could only rate herself as 'Utterly fucked’ and quite possibly about to go profoundly mad from sensory deprivation.

Max had already begun to succumb to despair. Screaming in her mind for Chloe, her beautiful, bold, blazed, and blue angel. The evocation of her name infused with every ounce of love Max had bringing that face to life in her mind.

Max had to find the way back.

For Chloe.

For love.

Chloe sat, fighting the long futile fight against sleep. What was she to do? Sleep? While Max lay there? What if she missed some sign that her little twee hipster was still there? What if (Chloe could barely bring herself to even formulate the thought) Max slipped away while Chloe snored away next to her, oblivious? She could have split the vigil with Rachel, but Rachel didn't really know Max that well, Rachel had gone through her own trauma in those woods, trauma she had yet to share, and lastly, Rachel had seemed, just not completely there since Max had brought her back.

Speaking of which, Chloe wondered why Rachel was taking so long in the restroom, she'd said she was going there simply to wash her face a little just to freshen up and keep awake. Chloe rose from her chair wearily, her eyes never straying far from Max and backed towards the restroom door. Reaching it she rapped on the door with her knuckles.

"Hey Rachel? You ok in there?"

Rachel Amber stared into the mirror. Smiling benignly and fixing her hair.

"I'm fine Chloe. How's Max?".

"No change, you be out soon or what?"

"In a minute".

The voice strangely toneless, the look in her eye fey and dangerous. The reflection in the mirror, not her own.

Chloe, shrugged and sat back down next to Max, Rachel was a tad vain after all.

"How's Max?"

"How's Max?"

Rachel grinned into the mirror muttering the phrase sarcastically to herself.

"How's Max?"

The face in the mirror leered back.

"How's Max?"

"How's Max?"

An owl hooted.

"How's Max?"

…

…

[goattypegirl]

Harrow the Ninth Live Read: Chapter 6-11

Con: It’s been a while

Pro: We finished part 1!

Con: this post is hella long now.

Chapter 6

Eighth House icon. Oh no. Gotta say, not a fan of the characters from the Eight House in Gideon the Ninth, whose names I now forget. There was Big Dude and Mayonnaise Twink. 

OH OK WE’RE STARTING OFF WITH SOME LOCKED IN SYNDROME SHIT. 

So, panicked person wheeling Harrow is given the title “Sacred Hand.” I vaguely recall seeing that before; is that a title given to Lyctors? Is this one of the OG Lyctors finally making an appearance? Wheeling the frozen Harrow to the Emperor to “unfuck accordingly?” Well, maybe not. Presumably another Lyctor would be able to “unfuck accordingly” themselves.

Oh disregard it is a Lyctor! And if we go back to the Dramatis Personae, this should be... Mercymorn! Originally of the Eighth House! She seems nice.

“It was his order that she not be touched.” Did the Emperor do this? But hwhy?

Calling Harrow and Ianthe babies is kind of hilarious. Aaaand Mercymorn just knocked this random person unconscious. OH wait is this the person the Emperor said to make static-y noises at? Survey says... maybe? They were called the Saint of Joy, which seems a unique title?

The whole description of the Lyctor and the way she visually dissects Harrow is so poetic, but something else catches my eye here. Harrow says her eyes did not have such a startling transition, which helps confirm my theory that Harrow is suppressing or undid the Lyctor process.

Also using the power of Cringe, Harrow partially(?) undoes the paralysis spell done to her. “An emotion was playing out over her face that was- not unfamiliar to you- but nonsensical; you discarded it.” Eh? What emotion could this be referring to? Confusion over what Harrow did? Awe? Fear? All of the above?

OH okay before I forget, Harrow formed a bone hook inside of her to do that, and she made that bone sheath to hold on to the sword, so maybe her necromancy isn’t being suppressed? Well, maybe. That feels more... internal? Like she hasn’t grown any full ass skeletons from bone dust yet.

...Why is Harrow afraid of telling Mercymorn her actual age? Why is the Body telling her to lie? Why fifteen??

Relief? That’s what flashed across Mercymorn’s face? Oh, duh, because Harrow did that and didn’t immediately die. Duh. Also she straight up said “hiss”? That is weird. Also, thinking back, it is weird there wasn’t an age requirement in the Lyctor trials. Also Mercymorn took Ianthe too???

“You’re not as pretty as Anastasia.” Anastasia being the member of the Ninth House listed with the Lyctors, but not as one of the Saints. Doing this liveread has its advantages, namely that I can remember shit that happened earlier! 

OH WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT. “AS Anastasia,” not “As Anastasia was.” Implying Anastasia’s still alive? Matches her name not being struck through in the Dramatis Personae, and Mercymorn said there were 3 OG Lyctors now. Which matches with Anastasia not having that line about being a Saint! I’ve connected the two dots!

Okay there’s a lot going on here. Why is this normal necromancer so fascinating to Ianthe and Harrow? What she’s doing is pretty dope to be fair. Mercymorn called Ianthe 12... which... huh. More on that in a second. First, I need to google what the fuck an animaphiliac is... probably in an incognito window. Oh, okay, it’s just a style of necromancy in this universe okay thank God. Mercymorn also said Ianthe wasn’t as attractive as Cyrus... which is weird... And it reminds Ianthe of being with Mummy... I assume she means her mother, comparing her to Coronabeth? Oof.

So, back to the lowballing age thing. Mercymorn assumes Ianthe is 12, probably  because she’s super old and has forgotten how mortals age. Harrow seems to have subconsciously picked up on this, which is why she lied about her age. I’m still in the camp of the Body being non-supernatural in origin. Yes, she has Gideon’s eyes, BUT, she spoke in the voice of Harrow’s mother and Aiglamene. SO, my theory is that the Body is a product of the trauma Harrow’s gone through, that’s kind of externalizing Harrow’s inner thought process. Like I said earlier, I’ve read Twig, and this is reminiscent of that.

OH hey we’re headed to the frontline apparently? Because 3 warships got shot down suddenly? Which begs the question I’ve had in the back of my mind since first picking up this series, who the fuck are they fighting??? Probably not Ressurection Beasts, given what we know about them. Other humans, probably? Dominicus (probably) isn’t Earth or humanity’s home planet. 

Okay, hold up. The Emperor is trying to get to the frontline now, Mercymorn wants him to return to “the Mithraeum”, which is presumably the capital of the Empire outside of the Dominicus system? Also, Emperor’s been on the ship for 80 years, and been away from the Mithraeum for 100... Once again, the math’s not adding up...

Okay, so God hugs Mercymorn, she freezes, he confirms that he is leaving, and that he knows exactly who shot down 3 warships???

Okay cool we’re not headed to the fronline, we’re headed to the Mithraeum, whatever the fuck that is.

Ohhh and the Cohort necromancer girl died, or committed suicide? And the Emperor brought her back? ...There’s a story there.

Ohhhh Mom and Dad are fighting.

OKAY ONCE AGAIN A LOT TO UNPACK HERE BUT THE MITHRAEUM CAN ONLY BE REACHED BY ONE MEANS???? AND IT MAY HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH BEING A LYCTOR???

...Hey. So. Here’s something. In the description of Mercy’s sword, it says it has a white knob at the end of, and I quote “-you didn’t know the exact technical word. It was a pommel though.” There’s a disconnect there, between Harrow’s knowledge, and the narrator’s knowledge. This has happened a few other times, like just a few pages ago, Harrow says a room is used for bodily functions, but the narrator jumps in and says no one in the universe would call it that, it’s a toilet. And this is going to sound kind of batshit, but like 6 years ago i was in to Undertale, and there was a popular theory that the narrator in that game was a separate character from the PC and... a lot of the points used in that theory kinda ring true here... even the use of second person narration...

So the narrator is a separate character from Harrow? Now, whether this narrator exists in-universe, or if this is a really cool stylistic choice, is another story. Right now I’m leaning towards... I don’t know. Well, hm. If the Body is a kind of externalization of Harrow’s inner thought process, maybe the narrator is an internalization? 

That makes no sense.

Something to keep in mind.

Anyway, the shuttle detaches. There’s a sort of irony, in God being tired of people martyring themselves for him, but giving a speech saying “hey if you die in my service I love you.”

OKAY I think we’re about to go faster than light using necromancy? This should be good. OH OKAY WE’RE TAKING A SHORTCUT THROUGH HELL. COOL.

...so what was their original method of faster than light travel that turned out to be unusable? did it have to do with neutrinos in italy?

okay I love Mercy and the Emperor’s dialogue here. Again, objectively, I’m sure they’re bad people who have committed several warcrimes... but the way they bicker is just hilarious.

I’m googling hyperpotamus, and i’m only getting other Harrow the Ninth livereads, so it appears to be a term made for the book. But I have a terrible feeling it’s a pun on hippopotamus.

There are so many quotes here that I absolutely love, including “said the Lord of the Nine Houses, who apparently existed within a complex power dynamic.”  and “The magma metaphor falls apart from here.” 

...Oh. Okay, serious time. Even at the very start, just post-Resurrection, two of the Lyctors fell to the Resurrection Beasts. Well, one died, and one was “removed from play.” Which sounds horrifying.

So we’re dipping into Hell because you can move fast there. Hell is full of angry ghosts. This explains the ghost ward. Lyctors have hacked the system, and so can kind of survive there. And we learn what happened to Cassiopeia, one of the deceased Lyctors. (Interestingly enough it says she baited physical portions of the Ressurection Beast. Not a beast. Nor is it given a number...)

ALright so entering the River physically sounds fucking horrifying. I’m very glad we only have to do it this once and it definitely won’t come back later in the book nope definitely not.

“and that you felt alone in your head.” ;_;

Chapter 7

Sixth House icon.

There’s not a lot to say here, besides how freaky this is. How much do you want to bet that the faint wail Harrow hears is coming from the coffin with Cyntherea’s body?

JOHN. GOD’S NAME IS JOHN?? #NAME LORE UNLOCKED. IM JUST SO HAPPY I FINALLY HAVE A WAY TO REFER TO HIM WITHOUT STRUGGLING TO SPELL EMPORER EVERY FUCKIN TIME.

Also, Mercymorn knowing his like actual human name further implies some stuff about the timeline of the Ressurection, which I was wondering about previously... but that’s a discussion for later because Harrow’s in Hell!

Not a lot to say here besides 

fuck.

A few things. One. I think they’re going to get out of this okay? And by okay I mean alive? We know Ianthe, the Emperor, and Harrow live up to the point of the Prologue, and I don’t think Mercymorn is going to die already. 

Two. Cassiopeia was from the Sixth House, going by her Cavalier’s last name, which explains the chapter icon.

Three. The lights? The last page or so is very metaphorical, but, at the beginning it says Harrow perceived herself as a “sickly radiance”, and that she perceived the others on the ship as a light as well. She later said she was an “ova cluster of two hundred pinpricks of light.” So I think in this deep part of the River Harrow accidentally sent herself to, souls (maybe?) are displayed as lights. Harrow’s own soul is literally made up of the hundreds of dead House Nine kids, which is. Spooky. But then, at the end, when they jump out of the River, they bring 5 lights with them. So... either something hitched a ride with them, or it has something to do with Harrow suppressing Gideon and the Lyctor ritual. Everyone else on the ship has undergone the Lyctor ritual (or something similar, in John’s case), and they only have 1 light each. At least to Harrow’s eyes. BRUH IDK WHAT”S GOING ON. 

Chapter 8

No further answers here, this is a flashback chapter! So, sheared skull = flashback. And this chapter is going to feature the Fourth House, apparently. Who was Fourth House again? Oh no it was the kids. Oh no. ;_;

So, we are continuing through Harrow’s re-imagination of the events of Canaan House, with her Ortus OC in tow.

Of course Harrow is overwhelmed by normal tea, and of course Harrow thinks dressing up skeletons is stupid. 

AND of course Harrow would have a private prayer wishing doom on anyone that looks at her with any kind of emotion.

Hold up, the Anastasian tomb? Reserved for warriors? And presumably derived from the word Anastasia, the mysterious not-Lyctor of the Ninth House?? 

I can already tell Anastasia is going to become my Pepe Silvia. 

Ohhh this is going to be a lore bomb about the timeline of the Ressurection and I’m going to need to pull out my copy of Gideon the Ninth to see if any of this shit actually happened. 

TEN? TEN NORMAL ASS HUMANS? AND FIVE NECROMANCERS?? BUT THERE WERE SEVEN LYCTORS. THE MATH DOES NOT CHECK OUT.

Okay so I checked and none of this shit actually happened! In fact, Teacher actually said there were 16, 8 necromancers, 8 cavaliers. Where the fuck is Harrow getting 10 from? Who knows! And rather than explicitly saying “hey check out the basement labs to see how to become a Lyctor,” Teacher actually said fuck if I know. Not actually. But still.

Oh of course it’s called the Sleeper!! I had Kill Bill sirens playing in my head when I first read that. 

So,  had a whole ass monologue here, but this is already very long and im sleepy, so to very quickly summarize, the Parahumans series had an entity known as the Sleeper that was intentionally very mysterious and raised a lot of questions amongst fans, and the fact that there’s another entity here known as the Sleeper is flooding me.

So, I’m spooked. Again, this entire conversation did not actually happen. Teacher’s dialogue is precious. “go where I durst not go: because I love my life, and I love noise, also.” and “I do not know the answers to any of these questions, only that, already, you are being too loud.”

So, the rest of the chapter plays out with Ortus complaining to Harrow. Intriguingly, he says that Harrow doesn’t have much of an imagination, when she says there was no one else to choose as her Cavalier... And then one of the skeletons says, “Is this how it happens?” harkening back to Parodos, when the Body says something similar. There’s a lot to unpack here. One, like I said previously, because Ortus, and apparently the entirety of Canaan House, is a product of Harrow’s mind, they can maybe give some insight into Harrow herself. However, the fact that Ortus seems to break character and chastise her for her lack of imagination is... I don’t know.

Okay, theory time. “The Work” alluded to in the letters is not only the suppression of Lyctor-hood, it’s also the erasure of Gideon, and the creation of these false memories. Meaning Lyctor!Harrow somehow crafted them; there was conscious effort behind it. Which means we can totally pick these scenes apart to gain further insight into Harrow! The skeleton and the Body asking if this is what happened, and Ortus breaking character (maybe) are her subconscious breaking through... Maybe that ties into my idea of the narrator being an internalization or compartmentalization of Harrow’s trauma? Hmm...

Chapter 9

Seventh House skull, and not a flashback. I’m guessing this is because we’re going to inter Cyntherea’s body here.

Okay, so time seems to have passed. IDK how much of the River Harrow remembers here. It seems like she recalls it like a bad dream. Ianthe’s here, and they’re in a chapel made of bone. Or at least one absolutely covered in bone. 

Here’s a question. The necromancy Harrow excels at, that’s creating a whole ass skeleton from a single bit of bone. Is she actually creating a new skeleton? Or is she reforming one. Like if she had two teeth from the same skeleton, could she use that to make two new skeletons? In the last chapter the Ressurection was described as not creating anything new... does that apply to all of necromancy, or just what the Emperor did?

Also another side note, Harrow says the stars glow with an unearthly light, which matches what the Emperor said, that they restarted the stars near the Mithraeum with thanergy, so they’re weird now. Except... wasn’t Dominicus restarted the same way? Or is the Dominicus system a hybrid of thanergy and thalergy? I’m getting my energies mixed up.

Anyway yep it’s Cyntherea’s funeral, and Harrow is checking the fuck out.

Okay we have a new Lyctor... and I’m guessing it’s Augustine, since he and Mercymorn are fighting.  

Okay and John’s giving a speech and giving more lore about the pre-Ressurrection and it’s confirmed that this guy is Augustine and-

First gen? Second gen? Sixth installation?? Valancy? ANASTASIA?

bruh im so flooded and this is supposed to be such a reverent moment.

Ohhh this is awkward now that they’re pulling Ianthe and Harrow forward. Okay we get a formal introduction to Mercymorn and Augustine. Augustine trails off before the third... and asks if he, the third surviving Lyctor, knows about the missile strikes...Is the third Lyctor the one leading the people who shot down the warships, which is sounding increasingly like a rebellion rather than a battle against others? Who’s the third again ah fuck it’s ORTUS.

ORTUS is apparently interested in “you-know-what”. Which I don’t know what. Please elaborate. 

ORTUS is here and he’s skeletal. OH AND SO IS RESSURECTION BEAST NUMBER SEVEN.

FUCK.

(bruh what the fuck is a pseudo-Beast)

Okay yep time to fight an eldritch god.

Speaking of which, God’s name is John confirmed.

And Harrow bled from the ear and fell unconscious, hearing the name ORTUS.

Chapter 10

Pog we’re almost done with part 1. Fifth skull, sheared, so it’s flashback time. 

I don’t recognize immediately where we are; apparently this is in the library in Canaan House? Though I don’t remember one from Gideon the Ninth. We see a bit of personality from Ortus, when he complains about Fifth House poetry, which is nice. 

Oh, wait, never mind, that was Magnus speaking. Ortus remains as boring as ever.

Hehehehe dick jokes.

Hey so no fake vow of silence in the false memories of Canaan House! That’s interesting. As is Magnus and Abagail being here, and them being pretty fleshed out characters. As are these cooking instructions from the Lyctors...

HOOOOOOOLD the phone here. The cooking notes mention an M and Nigella... which was the first name of Cassiopeia’s cavalier... How would Harrow know that? The easy explanation is that this is a note that Harrow actually found, and is placing here in her fake memories... The other explanation is that something funky is afoot...

Ooohkay Magnus is asking if this is how it happens now. The simulation is breaking down. AND ABAGAIL CAN TELL THAT HARROW IS A LIVING WAR CRIME. PANIC.

Okay now we’re getting Ortus emotion! He is a grown ass man Harrow. At least, he would be, were he not a figment of Harrow’s imagination.

HEEEEY

WHAT THE FUUUUCK

WE’RE CONTINUING ON THIS DYING EGGS THING

PROBABLY WILL BE RELEVANT LATER.

Okay and the simulation breaks down further when Ortus says “you did have a cavalier with a backbone, I’m not them.” Interestingly enough, it’s hours later Harrow realizes something’s weird... Huh...

Chapter 11

Seventh House skull.

Literally just a paragraph saying Harrow sleepwalked and stabbed Cyntherea’s body.

...She sleep walked... the Sleeper from the fake Canaan House...

[queeranarchist]

Dear Creator

General Likes: Trans characters, queer themes, queer solidarity, character development, strong gen. relationships and interactions with characters outside of a relationship, dialogue-driven story, non-linear narrative, animals, angst, hurt/comfort, character introspection

DNW: underage, a/b/o, past S10 for SPN

Realm of the Elderlings

Well if this reads as though I haven't finished the books it's because I haven't, but I will have by reveals so don't worry about spoilers.

Fitz/Fool

1. Set in the Golden Fool Trilogy before the Fool being Amber and him being in love with Fitz is revealed they have the head out on a sea voyage for whatever reason. They come across the Paragon, Fitz freaks because why does that ship have my face and also it's ALIVE? The Fool has to then awkwardly explain what happened.

2. At the end of the Golden Fool Trilogy they venture back to the Fool's homeland together.

3. After the Red Ships are vanquished Fool seeks out Fitz. They travel the world together with Night Eyes.

Brashen/Althea

1. I would love a bit more detail about their life after their series! We see them with a kid in the Dragon series so I would adore a look into that family.

2. I would love to see how these guys relationship works with their families, does Brashen ever really speak to his family again? Does Malta have the Trell's over and Brashen and his family awkwardly sit at the table together.

3. Generic ship adventure! I would love to see these guys travelling around with the Paragon and what they get up to.

Supernatural

DNW: Anything past Season 10

Likes: boy king arc, Sam centric fic, queer Sam (I literally head canon him as anything with whatever pronouns), Bobby, trans Dean, religious iconography/themes, Sam being a lore nerd

Dislikes: Sidelining Sam 

Sam/Ruby

1. Ruby lives, I’d love to see how this plays out in Season Five. Whether she sticks with Lucifer or chooses Sam.

2. Sam goes dark side after freeing Lucifer

3. Earlier on Sam starts trusting her and fulfilling his role as the boy king. If this stops Dean from going to hell, changes the way the demons work etc

Sam/Jess or Sam/Jess & Dean

1. Jess lives au! My personal head canon is that Jess is pre-med and being very intent on saving people. When she finds out about hunting, she realises that she can’t just go back to being “normal” knowing people are dying. Maybe Sam decides to go back to law school and they have a semi long-distance relationship where she asks him for advice, maybe they hunt together every now and again. Maybe she joins Dean and Sam and they become a hunting trio.

2. Jess gets brought back to life – place this in any season you want! Go wild.

Dean & Sam

1. Dean keeps in touch with Sam during Stanford! Maybe from the get-go, maybe after a couple of years, maybe seeing each other, maybe just through postcards

2. I’d love to see them during S4 where their relationship starts to fall apart, but like also see them still loving each other

3. John gets a year to live instead of instantly going to hell AU – how do they react? Do they try to save him? Does John tell them?

4. I’d love a sort of non-linear story of them (especially Sam because it’s been so long) trying to integrate John into his adult life also looking at his life as a child/teen. You know the general angst about how he’d done it, he’d gotten away and he’s right back at square one. Also, Dean starting to realise that he isn’t a kid anymore, and he’s got his own thoughts etc

Sam

1. Licherally anything in the boy king arc! I’d love to see him fulfilling his role as the boy king. This stops Dean from going to hell, changes the way the demons work etc

2. His time at Stanford! I’d love to see him adjusting to his new life.

3. I would love to see a bit more of him in Season Four! How he feels about Dean being chosen by the angels, how this affects his view on religion, how he feels about himself and the demon. Blood etc

4. Just some introspection anytime in the series tbh, love to see this boy struggle with wanting to be good, with wanting to be normal, and then um not being those things

5. I’d love a sort of non-linear story of Sam trying to integrate John into his adult life also looking at his life as a child/teen. You know the general angst about how he’d done it, he’d gotten away and he’s right back at square one.

Final Fantasy XV

Likes: fics that include the whole gang, trans Gladio, anything with Prompto, angst about destiny, angst about royal linage, character introspection

Noctis/Prompto

1. I really like angsty fics about destiny with this lot - I would love to see how the way in which they’ve been raised effects their relationship, be it being groomed to be king or shield or advisor. I would love a getting together fic, with whichever ship you wish to write, with a lot of internal angst.

2. I would also love a post cannon fic where Noctis is alive (magic, never died, skip over it entirely it’s up to you) where they all settle down, maybe Noctis lets the world think he has died so he can live a peaceful life?

3. I would like to see a fic of Prompto integrating himself into Noctis’ life, Gladio and Ignis have been around his entire life, so how does Prompto feel about them? How do they feel about him? Honestly I’m 100% here for awkward insecure bby Prompto

4. Set between game cannon and Brotherhood, I‘d be down to see what these guys got up to in the years between high school and the road trip. Did Prompto and Noctis study after high school? Do they travel?

5. Less of a prompt and more a vague feeling but like *slaps prompto* this bad boy can fit so much angst in it. Honestly, he’s childhood is depressing af, with the lack of parents and friends combined with a shit body image/relationship with food I wld rlly love some emotional hurt/comfort with him and the squad

Naruto

Likes: the summons, Rock Lee, the squads and how they operate, Naruto getting to eat the ramen he deserves, Sakura being an actual bad arse fleshed out character, trans Naruto

Sasuke/Naruto

1. Naruto leaves and joins Sasuke on his mission to destroy to Leaf, talks him out of y’know murdering everyone but agrees that the Shinobi system is deeply fucked and needs to be fixed

2. I’d like a fic of Sasuke thinking about Naruto while doing all his plotting, be it set when he’s with Orochimaru or the Akatsuki, it would be nice to see him thinking about Naruto, wanting to stop doing so, wondering how strong he could have been if he had managed to kill him and gain the mangekyou earlier

Gai/Kakashi

1. I’d like a fic set just before Kakashi gets his genin, really love to see Gai trying to talk up how cool having a squad is! Dragging Kakashi to see his kids and being like aren’t my team great! And then Team Gai getting into some crazy hijinks that make Kakashi a lil scared about the future but also maybe a bit endeared towards them

2. a fic of Gai watching Kakashi slowly lose himself while in ANBU, of him trying to make things right and not being able to and then eventually asking him to be removed from the forces

[callmethehunter]

Maggie and Robert

Here’s a new chapter!  I hope you like it.  Thank you to @firethatgrewsolow​ for feedback and help with editing.  As always, there’s a recap of the previous post, followed by the new material.   RECAP:   After a passionate and funfilled night on the beach with Robert, Maggie now has to face the music…aka her old man, Steve

End of Part 3:   As Robert’s silhouette grew smaller in the distance, she knew that she needed to see him again. She simply HAD to see him before he left for the UK on Saturday.  He was magical.  The passion and connection that she had felt with him during their brief encounter was exactly what was absent with Steve and what she deeply craved.

 When she lost all sight of Robert, her eyes swept over the skies.  The sun was beginning to rise, dispersing the quiet darkness of the night...a night she would treasure always.   She sighed wearily, turning her back to that golden sunrise as she headed back home to a man she did not truly love or even respect.  

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -Part 4:  Steve and Schemes

Maggie slowly made her way back to the Bahia Mar just as the dawn lightened the skies.  It was as if the sun was awakening from the depths of the sea to continue it’s restless journey.  There was something about the light and the retreating darkness that made her feel exposed, unable to hide from others or from herself. With each step, closer to Steve, her dread mounted. She replayed the moments with Robert, reliving them as she put one foot in front of the other.  It distracted her from the looming anxiety about having to face Steve and explain where she had gone off to the previous evening.

While she believed that honesty was the best recourse, she decided to make an exception in this case. Just this once, she thought.  She rationalized that it was none of Steve’s business how she chose to spend her time, given that they weren’t married and he had no claim on her.  

They had shacked up for convenience sake. Their initial arrangement had been that each of them paid half of all expenses, which then gradually became Steve paying a larger share.  She had quit bartending at the Elbo Room back in January so she could attend community college.  

But Maggie knew his cash flow came from dealing in weed and acid, not from a 9 to 5 job.  In her opinion, it was easy money since the hippies had started congregating at the northern end of Fort Lauderdale Beach where housing was cheaper, granting Steve access to a booming clientele.

It was the age of tuning in and tuning out.  Timothy Leary advocated the use of psychedelics such as acid as a means to spiritual and personal growth. The drugs  practically came with an endorsement, for crying out loud and added to the Free Love movement that was spreading like wildfire especially now that the Pill was in greater use.  In fact the media was touting last summer of 1967 as the Summer of Love.  

Her internal dialogue was interrupted when she heard her name being shouted repeatedly.  She spotted Steve sitting in the shiny red Camaro, his prized possession. It was one of the only vehicles in the lot this early in the day.  He started the loud engine and practically peeled out of the parking space headed towards her.  

Oh fuck!, she cursed under her breath. Here he comes... The smidgeon of peace that had remained from her magical evening with Robert went flying out the window, replaced by a deep annoyance at having to explain herself to Steve.

“What the fuck, Maggie!” Steve barked as he pulled up next to her. “Where have you been all this time? I was worried about you out there trippin’ all by yourself.” He gestured wildly towards the beach. “One minute you were there, then the next time I looked you were gone. Man, I thought you drowned!  I sure hope it was worth it to keep me hanging like that,” he berated her.

Maggie’s tactic when he became this belligerent was to placate him and act contrite. “Steve, I know...I am so sorry you had to go through all that.  That purple microdot was so strong I don’t even know what all I did, I just remember being at the Jetties, and laying down somewhere looking at the sky...probably for hours.  The stars looked as if they were dripping wax from candles on the beach and the colors were so bright!” 

She ventured a glance at his face, which appeared calmer. “You know how it is, babe, I didn’t mean to worry you.” See?  she said to herself, telling half truths was not really lying, she rationalized again. But in her heart she knew that she was skating on thin ice.

“Yea, I know, that shit’s groovy, man, but you can’t just walk off and not tell me what you’re doing or where you’re going for hours!”   The fact that his voice was back to a normal decibel was promising.

 “C’mon man, get in the car. I’m starving thanks to having to sit there all fucking night waiting on you.” As usual, the crisis had become all about him.

“Steve, seriously, who are you kidding? You know damn well you and your friends were partying all night... You barely missed me, seeing as Shannon the chipmunk was hanging on your every word when I left.”  She wasn’t buying his ”holier than thou, concerned boyfriend” crap. It might work on Shannon but it wasn’t going to work on her.

That must have been what happened, because Steve did not respond as he sped down AIA towards the House of Pancakes.  By the time they pulled into the lot, they had toned it down.  Steve had a short memory, probably from all the weed he smoked, and now that they were going to eat, his self-righteous attitude diminished.  After they were seated, he studied the menu, commenting on what he should order.  

Maggie breathed a sigh of relief.  She had been right in only revealing where she’d been and not who she was with...Only the sexiest and most intriguing man she had ever laid eyes on, she said to herself.  Had she divulged that small yet crucial detail, she would not have heard the end of it.  

Yet Steve was the one who had brought up having an open relationship when they shacked up the year before. They were more like friends on equal footing back then but somehow he seemed to have developed a sense of ownership.  Nowadays he acted as if he was her sugar daddy or had some claim on her.   The longer she allowed Steve to finance her life, the longer she would be in this rut. She had become lazy and complacent.  The realization deeply troubled her and she vowed to take action, once and for all.

After ordering a breakfast platter, Steve mentioned he had been looking at a boat that was for sale at the docks near the Bahia Mar.  It was  last year’s model, a 1967 Chris Craft Cavalier, he said, as if that would explain it.  

“Well, tell me more about it.  I don’t know much about boats,” she added, “except that some have cabins and some don’t.”

“Man, I gotta teach you about the finer details of boating! if I can get this dude to go down on the price. I think he will, seeing as I fronted him 100 hits of acid and some weed last week and he still hasn’t paid me.”

“You know what, Steve? One of these days somebody’s gonna screw you over so bad or you’re gonna get busted by the fuzz, man,” she chided him. “You gotta be more careful, people talk…”

“Maggie, shut the fuck up, you don’t know what I do or don’t do.” He spat out bits of the omelett he was chewing, with how forcefully he replied. “I've been doing this shit since I was 16, so for over 10 years now, I ain’t never had a problem...well, except with a Cuban dude that tried to rip me off one time. But anyway,” he continued, “I don’t have to do shit, you hear?”

She hated when he spoke to her with disdain, belittling her intelligence, sometimes right in front of his friends. Most of the time, she sucked it up and went with the flow, letting it roll right off her back.  But lately, this type of behavior angered her and she had been growing increasingly resentful towards his snide remarks.

  “Fuck you, too, Steve” she countered, setting her toast down on the plate, suddenly losing all appetite.

“Whatever...Look, Maggie, do you wanna go see the damn boat or not? You’re lucky I’m even asking for your opinion seeing that we’re gonna be spending a lot of time on it.”

“Oh really?” she replied, “what if I don’t like boating, did you ever think of that? What if I always get sea sick, huh?” she asked but he just looked at her, mouth agape.

“Steve, you know I don’t like it when the water’s really deep, you can’t just assume I’m gonna feel comfortable on that boat day in and day out…”

“Why not?” he asked incredulously. “You should see the cabin, Maggie. It’s got a full sized bed, mini bathroom and little kitchen. It’s sweet, baby, you’re gonna forget all about that you’re on the water...It’s gonna be like being in a camper on land. You’ll love it, baby.”

She cringed at the familiar way he disregarded her feelings, bulldozing over them and then pretending she had been the one to suggest whatever it was he manipulated her into doing.  This was insanity!  He’s never gonna change!, she realized. 

Almost in a defeated tone, she answered “Yea, maybe you’re right, Steve. Let’s go take a look when we leave here.”   

He reached over the table and patted her hand, “Thata girl. We’ll go right after I pay.”

With that, he signaled to the waitress to bring the check, took a wad of cash out of his pocket, and glanced over the bill.  

Maggie looked out the window and realized they were only a few minutes away from Tugboat Annies.

She mustered up all her courage and nonchalantly asked  “Hey, sweetie, if we were to get the boat, could we dock it over by Tugboat Annies? It doesn’t cost as much as the Bahia Mar and you can pull up through the intercoastal, dock it in the back, and you’re right at the bar....There’s actually a really good band playing this weekend,” she continued, “if we had the boat, we’d look so cool pulling up in it, right?”

She knew Steve well. He was a show off and loved to appear important. The idea that the hip people at Tugboat’s would notice his latest purchase was irresistible to him.   His growing smile told her everything she needed to know, and her heart soared as she thought about seeing Robert again.  She ached with longing for him.  That gorgeous blonde, that sexy man. 

She smiled back sweetly at Steve, proud of herself for having turned the tables and being the one who manipulated the outcome, making him feel he was still in control.  

Her self-congratulation faded as a tinge of anxiety surfaced.  Steve was a narcissist, that much was true, but he was no dummy and he was extremely possessive of her time.  How was she going to manage making contact with Robert while Steve was hovering nearby? How was she gonna pull this one off?  

Different scenarios ran through her mind.  She suddenly realized that the answer lay in having distractions... Lots of distractions.  They would put the word out and invite all his cronies out to the concert, in part to celebrate and party on the boat.  People could step out onto the marina behind Tugboat’s and score, getting their stash for the week in the privacy of the boat’s cabin.  She’d wait to suggest that part later… 

After the waitress brought back the change, she grabbed her bag from the back of her chair, stood and followed Steve out of the diner, this time with a light heart and a bounce in her step.

To be continuied at Tugboat Annies....

[chierei]

Hi. For the Behind the Scenes ask, 4, 7, 12 and 18

4. Do you outline before you start writing? If so, how far do you stray from that outline?

I do not! My first chapter is always just word vomit based on feelings or whatever I am interested in at the time. If I do decide to continue writing it, I’ll usually have a vague idea of where to go in my head. I only “outline” in that I do make a numbered list (one chapter is one line) and give a 1-2 words description of what that chapter might have. This is mostly to help myself pace and decide how many chapters the final piece might be.

I find that if I outline in detail, I tend to lose interest since all the good bits and ideas are already on paper haha. 

7. Which part of writing do you struggle with most?

Variety and diversity of words and phrases. I have a number of common phrases I tend to use over and over and over, and it’s hard to break that habit. (If you notice me using a phrase sooo many times, please ping me so I can be more aware. ><)

Other than that, describing emotions through actions. I spend a lot of time on my dialogue scenes trying to convey what the character are feeling without saying it, and I never know how good it worked out. 

12. Is there a trope you haven’t written yet but really want to?

Time travel or dimension travel. I am a 100% sucker for a good time travel or dimension travel fic. I devour them in any fandom I join because I adore them. I haven’t written one though because these things tend to be epics, and it is a daunting project.  17. What is a line/scene you’re really proud of? Give us the DVD commentary for that scene.

This one was difficult, but I think the first thing the scene halfway through Redacted where Ed kisses Oswald for the first time.

“That was a long time ago. Now, Mr. Nygma, I suggest you leave.” This time he walked around from behind his desk, undoubtedly to open the door pointedly to usher him out, to accentuate how unwelcome he was, how much he wasn’t wanted.

Ed caught him by the wrist, and before the other man could respond, he kissed him.

There was a second, a second of silence, where Ed could feel Oswald’s pulse under his fingertips, and everything faded away except the feeling of his lips against his, the perfect crane of his neck down to give the barest of nips, and the taste of cold metal.

 […]

Oswald was shaking, that calm facade gone, and instead, there was a rage in those eyes. His fists were clenched, and his mouth turned down into anger. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and his eyes were wild—the way they looked when they killed Mr. Leonard together or when he had beaten a subordinate or when he had outsmarted someone again and again and again. He was beautiful.

“Get out,” he said, rage bubbling in his words.

“Oswal—”

“Get out,” he said, this time louder and punctuated by the cock of a gun that he pointed steadily at Ed’s head. “Get out, or I swear to fucking God I will put a bullet through your fucking head.”

Ed fled.

Once outside and a block away, he stopped to catch his breath, leaning against the dirty wall of an alley. He took a deep breath, looking up at the gray sky.

And laughed. There he was; there was Oswald.

 I had this moment planned out from pretty early on in the series when I was thinking of ways to make their big reunion. I knew that the only way Oswald was going to react to Ed in any sort of honest way is with a big shock. Otherwise, he’d twist and weave and shut him out because that’s what he’s good at. So I had to have Ed force the issue and bring everything going on between them that was unsaid into it. 

This is a reversal from canon, where Oswald is always the one chasing. But this time, Oswald has closed himself off and Ed has to step out of his normal comfort zone. 

This was also another time that I wanted Oswald to start cracking a little more under the pressure. We’ve seen bits and pieces of the old Oswald coming through internally but this is the first time (I think) that it affects him enough to show it. 

Because Matty would have kissed back and the Administrator would have been unresponsive and unimpressed. But it’s only Oswald that would be angry--angry that now Ed is coming to him, Ed is reaching out when he was the one who burnt their bridge, and angry at himself because he wanted that kiss too. 

And lastly, this scene was meant to give Ed hope that the man he remembered was still there. I purposefully never explicitly say Ed’s feelings to Oswald before this point but tried to hint that Ed realized he was in love with Oswald years ago. And the reason he doesn’t want to say it is because he believes he’s in love with a dead man. Saying the word ‘love’ would be a reminder of what he can’t have anymore. And until this moment, he still believes that he’s in love with a dead man and is only now finally, in desperation, able to admit it because now it’s something he may actually be able to have. 

...That was longer than I expected but hopefully interesting?

[unproduciblesmackdown]

ok-yikes replied to your post: diefordarkseid replied to your post: ...

ok but like thank u sm for the link i’ve been vaguely following your winston/billions content and ive been trying to find the context without having to watch the whole thing lmao so now i can fully understand ur analysis and art that i already enjoy!!

oh first of aw!!!! that’s such a compliment lol ty and yes s/o to @winstonthequant for posting that compilation for 5.5k+ people to partake in, it’s super useful

yeah we Jest that all anyone needs to know to understand the Spirit Of Wynnstanning is to have seen those scenes with winston and taylor from kompenso, ep 3x11 lol.....i mean it’s partially a joke but it’s also partially true, that’s pretty much the Cause of the group of us going “oh my god” and becoming Invested in all of this. winnie n tay baby.......their Dynamique...they are way too good Ugh

and yeah the Broadest Of Strokes of this series overall is that the Central Theme is "insufferable bastard hedge fund ceo damian lewis [aka axe] man Versus insufferable bastard attorney general paul giamatti man [aka chuck],” just these corrupt assholes having a back and forth slapfight power struggle every season. nobody cares what happens in season 1 but taylor is introduced at the start of season 2 as a just-out-of-undergrad intern at axe’s hedge fund. turns out they’re amazing at hedge funding (they have some goddamn sense and strategy and awareness, whereas axe is 100% beholden to the whims of his own Delicate Temper and Ego and is a continually self-sabotaging idiot, nbd) and by season 3, while axe is doing a bit of jail time over insider trading (see: previous parenthetical) taylor is left effectively in charge of axe’s hedge fund, which btw is called axe capital

Our Beloved Quant Winston enters the picture 3 eps into this situation, where taylor is attempting to start a quant team at axe cap, hence interviewing him, then only known as “quant kid 2″ in the credits. [not-that-informed explanation of What Is A Quant: where the Traditional Financial Analysts in a hedge fund try to make profitable stonk trades just via like, reacting to The News and other publically available info / whipping up Strategies / intuiting shit and making judgment calls or whatever the hell they do, a Quantitative Analyst (a more recent development in the high finance world) is taking a more mathematical approach to the whole legal gambling operation which is The Stock Market and might, as winston does, use An Algorithm to analyze finance info and make trades in response. is the vague idea here] Quant Kid 2 was not Originally meant to ever reappear, hence him just messing up the interview and getting sent off after like 30 seconds, but they wrote him in further when William Roland showed up and actually filmed the scene. 

when “i’m a shitty bastard driven by my shitty ego and will self-sabotage if my Pride asks for it on a whim” axe shows back up, tl;dr, he spends the rest of s3 being terrible and unappreciative to taylor, who you might imagine is Threatening That Delicate Ego of his by capably taking care of his hedge fund while he was indisposed. for example, he needlessly wrecks taylor’s relationship with a guy they were having a nice time dating (and will, we’re pretty sure, talk to again in s5ep2!! hoorayy) and does basically the opposite of apologizing, sweeps taylor’s Quant Project into the trash, gets mad at them for failing to land a certain investor which he said they did on purpose which idk they May Have lol i think this was later in the season, and won’t give them the raise they want, and that’s just A Few of the bullet points in this topic. but oops, turns out that taylor has been secretly taking steps to put together their own entirely separate hedge fund! which is where winston comes back in, aka their meeting him in that empty classroom only to summon him to a random basement. that algorithm he ends up creating for them (which he’d Assumed was for axe cap purposes) was used by taylor to entice a Big Investor at axe cap to invest in their own hedge fund, taylor mason capital, which exists by the end of season 3, which obviously axe is not happy about and of course it’s a whole ~betrayal~ even though he did it to himself but no, he decides taylor is his Nemesis, b/c in so many ways he is a dumbass. god

season 4 has winston as taylor’s Main Quant (the one time we hear his name spoken aloud is taylor saying “winston and the quant team). taylor spends the season dealing with all the problems of having a Brand New Hedge Fund and having a Well Established Hedge Fund With An Asshole At The Helm constantly trying to sabotage their fund, which we also call tmc / mase cap for short, just for reference lmao, the latter being how they shorten it in the show’s actual dialogue. the Front Running mentioned in that one clip was an instance of such sabotage. and by the time winston shows up 5 eps later, that Fracking Subplot (lmao...this fucking show) was about taylor being reeeeal sick of axe cap’s sabotage b/c they kinda made it personal, and thus spending the whole episode Completely playing axe for a fool, which was kinda fun, b/c it’s not that hard and he has it coming. it gets a little involved with what’s going on in ep 4x11 with the bonuses lmfao but it's nbd, just know that winston was right, we went frantic about him being Bullied and are still indignant about it, and taylor talking to Everyone in that 4x12 clip does seem to address what winston had said, compare and contrast 4 yourselves, even if this apparently went totally over the heads of any Regular Billions Viewers lmao. and then in 4x12 A Lot Happens b/c it’s the finale but axe manages to self-sabotage himself in a way that does a lot of damage for mase cap though, and axe thinks that he’s successfully blackmailed taylor into returning to axe cap with mase cap as a Supposedly Temporary subsidiary of axe cap, which sucks, but taylor is not as blackmailed as he thinks, which is a secret, Drama and Twists and Shifting / Dubious Loyalties and Stonks are just constant themes here and who cares. we are here for the quant, who is there with taylor

We Have Many Ideas / wise concepts and headcanons, seeing as canon is a nightmare and there’s not That much material re: winston and precious few details about him / he spends sooo much time offscreen and unmentioned and it leaves us plenty of blanks to fill in. for example, maybe u noticed we think he should kiss taylor and also get railed by them, there are extensive ideas about that relationship wherein we happily ignore Finance. also, there is an unusually kind and reasonable analyst over at axe cap named ben kim who we also think should kiss winston, so yeah That idea is sure around as well lol, they have enough Parallels and complementary Similarities and Contrasts and also just like, a normal nice person is a rarity on this show, so ben does Not have a world of competition in our [list of people who’d be Okay to kiss winston, b/c someone should, b/c he deserves that cuz we love him]

yeah that’s my Quick Basic Context summary lmao we hate it here but also we have fun, and really at any time (extending this to anyone lol) feel free to Send An Ask about anything at all b/c i am Not annoyed by random / unprompted asks from anybody, i love interaction! who knows if i’ll answer promptly (for example: sorry @ the person who’s asked for deh/bmc hcs who i havent answered yet lol) but yeah. it’s totally nice that you were already interested even without any Context lmao like. i mean yeah basically the joke still stands that the only context u truly need is that one scene from Kompenso but. yeah #Stonks

[marawrder]

who is / was your favourite muse of all time to play?

@nosestealer ⏤ mun questions

i just answered this here for @pcltrghosts​ bUT if you don’t mind i’m gonna talk about another character that comes very close bc i love! ok buckle up.

idk if you’ve seen greek, this abc family show about a college campus where the greek system of sororities and fraternities is really over the top and it’s all about those relations between the frats and the sorority drama and you know. that stuff. VERY stereotypical, which makes it funny to me tho. a friend of mine had an rp board with that story as a background, sans all the characters but keeping the uni + its sororities and fraternities. there’s two main frats, one is the stereotypical rich boys in suits with trust funds and all that stuff, the other is the stereotypical brain-dead beer pong-playing lazy fucks who really are just there to party. the latter is called kappa tau gamma, and that is where my character, bertie cooper, comes in. he’s this big boy with the sunniest and most outgoing disposition, like he is always in a good mood and virtually nothing can anger or upset him. he is so lazy and laid back and literally everything is a joke to him, which made it so fun to write bc the internal dialogue was always so hilarious and i came up with so many gags that wouldn’t have occured to me in my life but for that character it was really non-stop. for some depth ( but only really just the tiniest amount, and maybe this too is only for the meme ) he had a twin brother that was his polar opposite and a Big Secret™. the secret is what his first name, bertie, is actually a nickname for. it really embarrassed him, so every time someone asked him, he would make up a new bert name ( bertram, herbert, albert, bertholomew ) so that nobody would know the truth. but it’s actually dagobert. ( you’re dutch and i’m german, so we’re probably both thinking about dagobert duck hehehe icon 8) ) the only people who know that secret is of course his family, but they’re in nevada while he studies in ohio, so there’s no threat of his secret coming out… except if his twin brother decides to spill. robin cooper is actually his younger twin ( by a few minutes ), but he is 100% more mature, and bertie would say too mature. he’s really out there hustling, starting uni to do law 2 years before bertie who’s just kinda chilling in that time. he has a real stick up his ass and is not a fan of bertie at all who came to his college and basically ruined his reputation bc they all mistake him for this lazy unwashed kappa tau bro when all he wants to do is HUSTLE >:(( and also he really condemns bertie’s life choices, you know putting partying before studying and all that. ( it sounds so cliché and goofy but. i wrote a screenplay based on this dynamic once for class and it was so emotional and tragic and i have so many feels ). bertie likes to annoy him non-stop but also doesn’t care much for robin’s opinion. they’re each going their own way. anyway, it was so much fun writing bertie bc he has such a distinctive voice for me and i’m a meme loving fuck so being able to make all these jokes really extended my lifespan by 10 more years.

i kinda went off oop but if you’re still with me and have the patience, under the cut i’ll introduce u to my highlight reel of bertie cooper

this one scene were the thread was unfortunately deleted but basically he’s talking to this girl called jean snart and is like ‘huh, snart. that sounds like a mix between sneeze and fart. i’m p sure i’ve used that word before.’

where he talks about his best friend and then says “yes, our friendship really equals hearteyes-emoji sparkle-emoji little-pink-heartsemoji two-dancing-bunny-ladies-emoji and all that stuff”

u know i’m not gonna give you any context but i have used the words Ur dad says hi and Slimthicc Apparel in a “serious” post.

“on this beautiful day bertie had already accomplished a lot: he got up, … now he was taking a nap on the couch on the living room.”

in his frat they give the pledges nicknames that stick their entire college career and.. he really called this one boy Bush because he lost at jenga… u know.… made a tower fall..

you know, using yeet in normal dialogue, as you do

“he made a surprised face that quite resembled the emoticon colon uppercase O”

he’s also a vet student and calls himself dogs’ rights activist :’)

and also this meme which isnt as funny if you explain it but i will ( also used pics of kellan lutz bc that was obv the fc 8) )

1. his family except for robin sees him as this innocent angel2. robin thinks he’s a clown lmao3. zbz stands for zeta beta zeta and that is a sorority that wants to be no 1 and therefore don’t associate with the slackers of kappa tau = they think he’s trash4. it’s….. it’s a robin costume…. get it….5. he was also pledge trainer for his frat!! he basically made the freshmen who were first joining the frat make all these initiation tasks from like crazy stuff to basically house chores lmao6. dobler’s is a campus bar where he once on a dare sang karaoke in “drag”7. “hot” but also a joke8. haha made u look!

and last but not least: this abomination

[arabellaflynn]

I am not drunk enough for this entry.

I am stuck on a thing. Not because I don't know what to write, but because I have no idea why I'm writing it. I used to not care, but then Colbert said a thing in an interview about working "with intent" and now I feel wholly inadequate because that seems like an important step that I keep skipping.

I also don't normally care about conforming to other people's processes, but everything I've seen of his is a terrifyingly accurate mirror of how I do these things. I tripped over this a while ago, which is a reel of BTS/raw footage from an interview he did (in character) when Jon Stewart was asked to host the Oscars. They clearly told him what they wanted to talk about when they called him up, but also clearly did not bother to hash out a script, so he's running the character improv. There's a bit near the end where he knows what the character's response would be, but hasn't quite settled on how to phrase it, so he just runs it over and over, tweaking the phrasing and diction, until he gets a take he likes. 

If any of you ever wondered what my editing process looked like, there it is. I sit in the corner and talk to myself -- or, when available, rats -- until I get a sequence of noises that sounds like an essay. The typing part is just transcription. I've tried using voice-to-text, but OK Google and Cortana are both various shades of bluenose. Google Assistant won't read the swear words back to you if they occur in the text, but Cortana won't even admit she knows how to spell them. Although she must do, because she always gets the number of asterisks right.

Colbert writes his jokes for the day by front-loading the past 24 hours of news-cycle crap into his head on the drive to work. He quotes huge wadges of poetry, play dialogue, Scripture and Tolkien off the top of his head, spontaneously and at such length that he has to either be reading it off an eidetic snapshot of the page or playing the audio back in his head. He pops in and out of character like it's on a single-throw switch. He once landed a part that involved playing French horn, an instrument he had never touched before, so he cadged one from the company and taught himself in a week. He's told people he doesn't speak Spanish "that well", which seems to mean he understands it fine but can't spit it out fast enough to sound like himself. He took a Meyers-Briggs test on his show once and came out INFP, which I could have told you from the way he dodged every single question of even remotely personal import. Most of the self-editing he does when he hosts things is not for content, but for focus, keeping himself externally-oriented rather than falling back to rattle around in his own head. He spent his childhood fucking breaking standardized tests, until a major life event alerted him to the cosmic unimportance of school, at which point he stuffed his nose into a book and ignored it. He is all over the friends who let him do that, he tells people he loves them point-blank in front of the camera, and if you think I harp on that a lot, you should see him do it -- I don't have my props department print nice framed photos to show the audience in case they don't know what I'm asking the guest about. He almost seems to find it easier to work without a script than with one, to the point where he once stood up on stage, tired, cranky, drunkish, and probably on the verge of tears, and delivered a nine-minute completely extemporaneous monologue, 100% live to undelayed broadcast, that came together more cohesively than most people's multi-draft polished writing.

[In re: The standardized tests. He describes here being given an exam one-on-one where the administering teacher was timing his responses. That is some sort of childhood aptitude test -- the Stanford-Binet IQ test is mainly aimed at adults, so it was more likely a WISC, or the new-at-the-time WISC-R. The score on those is calculated not just from the number of correct answers you give, but the speed at which you spit those answers out. In the segment of tape they play, little Stevie is answering faster than the teacher can even deal with the stopwatch. This alone would knock his IQ score quite easily over 130, the threshold of "Extremely High" intelligence on the WISC scale, and also the point at which they stop giving you real numbers and just regard you with a mix of trepidation and awe. I ought to know; breaking the scoring algorithm on those things was also one of my childhood hobbies.

If your first thought upon reading that is, "130? Really? That low?" then congratulations. You also broke that test.]

Whenever I make observations like this, my knee-jerk reaction is, "That cannot possibly be right." Surely I am misinterpreting the context or the import of what the other person is doing, or my self-assessment of the level of similarity is inaccurate. And it makes no difference here whether I'm watching a celebrity on TV or just some rando who happens to have intersected my life -- I am so accustomed to being the alien that it knocks me completely off balance to see things I recognize. It doesn't mean people don't like me fine, but it does mean they don't generally grok my thought processes very well. It is discomfiting to see another person show so many of the same tells I know I have, not because I have flagged them internally, but because other people have alerted me to them over the years by remarking on the things I do without thinking. 

Colbert is doing all of this in a very public forum, where I can see other people's equally public reactions to it. It brings up the uncomfortable question of whether people react the same when I do these things, and I just don't know it because there isn't a YouTube comments page on my life.

I don't have heroes. I don't even really have role models. What I do have is a long list of people I think it would be useful to steal from. Clearly I should be stealing a lot from this guy.

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[applekitty]

i’ve seen lots of talk about escargoon lately

so i want to talk about him too. please note, i’m not specifically talking about sub or dub escargoon, as they both are still very similar in execution.

escargoon is a character who was written to be comic relief. he was written as to have the whole ‘oh boss is mean to his underling haha look at this idiot minion get beat up’ dynamic thing that so many other shows have, but escargoon deviates from the narrative by showing romantic interest in his boss. he’s shown to be gay / coded gay by the show numerous times (though it usually differentiates depending on who’s writing him) through his actions, and through the dub inparticular through his voice. and there’s our problem. 

if i may deviate quickly to be my onbrand 4kids stan self.. to be quite honest, 4kids had the right idea by toning down the gay escargoon had in his dialogue because just.. jesus christ, i don’t want to listen to this poor gay guy pine over the fucker who beats him! that’s like fanfic levels of awful! i dont want to blame 4kids for the voice chosen either, and i fucking wont because 4kids didn’t make the decisions on the voices, japan did. the voice still sounds like a stereotype gay one, which still gives us gay escargoon, but at the very least we don’t listen to escargoon lovingly sing about how much he loves the guy who beats him. 

anyways. 

he has the similar problem that le fou from beauty and the beast (YES, both the 2d and live action ver) has. he’s there to be beaten and there to be abused and there to be gay. we’re getting a gay character beaten and abused onscreen constantly. his affections will never be reciprocated, and to be honest it’s good that they arent— his boss being a mean asshole means if they were reciprocated it’d probably be purely for deceit or to gain more power to lord over him and make him do what his boss wants.

escargoon as a character, being gay, is cool. the way he’s written in the narrative is not, and despite me being the biggest anime fan around i’d never side with how he’s written. it’s truly unacceptable, and honestly if he had gotten better treatment that would’ve been great. if he were able to take out his aggression on dedede, or leave, or anything, that would’ve been great. but due to syndicated tv programming we couldn’t get that (we need everything to go back to normal after the episode ends unless it’s a 2 parter).

something also noteworthy is also the nastiness of escargoon’s character. because when he’s not around dedede, when he’s around people he cares about (such as his mom), he can legitimately be sweet and caring. but when he’s on castle grounds or in the car with the king he’s a completely different person. whatever reason he may have for that, it shows escargoon is a redeemable person, he has more depth than just ‘evil sidekick’, and has an opportunity to be better.

escargoon’s character is very much a victim of circumstance, and his narrative is too. he’s a victim, also, of internalized homophobia among writers who weren’t exactly fully aware of what they were writing. japan was never very good at the whole ‘gay character’ deal, and it continues to not be very good with other lgbt+ identities *cough* trans people *cough*.

escargoon is and always will be forever stuck in a limbo of status quo where he can never leave. and when i think about it that way, it’s very much a accurate depiction of abuse in relationships. he always gets a reason to stay and never leave, via force of the narrative. he is always forced to be dedede’s consort, and he can’t ever deviate. he is forced to be abused over, and over, and over again, and he can never leave. he is never given a chance to leave because he is a main villain, and he needs to be there to be dedede’s ‘comical’ gay punching bag.

the only people who say escargoon’s treatment is easy to ‘brush off’ are either dedesuka shippers, people who have no braincells, or strawmen. people who completely devoid the relationship between escargoon and dedede of any abuse, imo, are wrong to do so because it is a key in their relationship. you cannot have these two be together and have it not be abusive, canon has shown that through 100 episodes of constant snail abuse. to brush off the abuse after that much of it being shown is disrespectful to escargoon’s character and simply should not be done. 

escargoon deserves to have peace of mind not because the abuse simply disppeared. lets be real, i’m sure he hopes that the abuse will stop and things will go back to ‘normal’, as most abuse victims do. he remembers and KNOWS there’s times when dedede’s not hurting him, maybe one day dedede’ll stop hurting him for good. but no. it does not work that way. we cannot give that to him because that means he’ll stay with his abuser, and dedede will not give that to him because he’s abusive.

escargoon deserves better from us, he deserves closure of a mature kind. he deserves to he, himself, realize the cycle he’s been through for 100 fucking episodes and try to take a stand. he gets tiff and tuff and kirby to help him and he finally removes himself from dedede, even though it makes him sad to do so at first. he starts to heal and he starts to move on from dedede. he can become self dependant, he can work on his own flaws that he’d developed by being around dedede, he can become a better person and work to be nicer. he needs to heal.

but if we can’t get that, then..

it’s time someone on ao3 or ffn or SOMEWHERE started shipping him with their oc. because lets be real no one else in the series is good for escargoon, not even meta knight. let escargoon heal and grow, become a good person, then give escargoon a good husband.

edit 6/14/19:

No. ‘Game Dedede’ Is Not A Good Husband For Escargoon, Get Off My Post.

[unovasrage]

black2 dialogue analysis / p1

start > castelia sewers

ASPERTIA CITY

Hyu: Hey! You get a pokémon yet? There aren't any pokémon Trainers around here, and I'm getting bored! What's that? ... A person named Bianca is giving you a pokémon? Really?!" Vera: When you get a pokemon take really, really good care of it, okay?

[ Hyu turns and simply stares at his sister. ]

Hyu: ... ... yeah. Alright. Come on. There’s something I have to do. And to do that, I need someone I can trust besides my partner Pokémon. A person I can trust! That's right! I'm talking about you!

Hyu is absolutely 100% blaming himself for seeing that Vera seems to feel she’s at fault for letting Purrloin get captured / that she couldn’t “take care” of her pokemon. B2 breaking Hyu’s heart from the very start like nobody’s business.

Hyu: You’re really lucky to get a pokémon! Once you get a pokémon, you leave on a journey right away. When you do that, I’m gonna have you help me out!

I’ll come back to these mentions of Hyu having protag support him later

Hyu: Let’s see how good a trainer you are! I’ll use my pokémon that I raised from an egg!

Hyu you okay buddy you literally just got that like 13 seconds ago

Hyu, first non-KO hit: I won’t forget the pain you just put my partner through! Hyu, defeated: I couldn’t achieve victory for my partner ... I won’t let myself forget this frustration! Hyu, after defeat: I lost ... this is different than battling with wild pokémon! Well, whatever. I’m just happy to know you’re a trainer I can count on! Cool. I’m heading off first! Get stronger!

Hyu is a pokémon empath evidence no.1 / he literally feels some of what pokémon he’s bonded to experience in battle. I’ll get to this in a different hc dump / dialogue analysis further down the line. He doesn’t realize at this point, though, and his big dumdum energy exists / he thinks it’s completely normal for trainers to be able to feel what their pokémon feel ( physically ) + understand their pokémon’s emotions with pinpoint accuracy

That said, he’s also using this pain to fuel his anger / his anger to fuel his determination and will to destroy Plasma.

ASPERTIA CITY > HYU’S HOUSE

Hyu’s Dad: To be honest, I don’t want my son to go on a journey. I mean, his goal is ... ... but there is no parent who doesn’t wish for their child to grow.

Hyu’s Mom: If Hyu loses his way on the path, or in life really, please help him, won’t you? He’s the kind of person who, well, who lets rage build inside him.

Hyu’s dad appears to be a retired black belt based solely on his attire. I’ll hc this later.

Hyu’s parents are 100% in the loop and in the know of how revenge-driven and angry Hyu is no matter how much he may have thought he was / successfully bottling up his anger aside from immediately flaring at the mere mention of Plasma or the raid on Aspertia. His parents have tried to dissuade him from the goal he set for himself / what he’s sworn he’ll dedicate his life to, yet they’re willing to support him regardless of his steadfast determination because he’s their son.

His father, at least, hopes that maybe if Hyu is allowed to complete this goal he’s set for himself, he’ll finally be able to move on -- he’ll finally be able to “grow”.

Meanwhile his mother knows her son, sees how stuck on revenge he is by the negative emotions (exclusively) he associates with Plasma, and how much of himself he’s putting into his promise to Vera. She can see how much getting revenge has completely and utterly consumed him to the point she worries he won’t have a path in life after he accomplishes his goal.

Lo and behold it is already canon on this blog that he was, and still is, lost now that he has no driving force for a goal in his life. So, Hyu’s mom, you weren’t wrong.

What his mother’s dialogue also shows is how well protag knows Hyu’s parents know protag / how much they know protag is a friend to her son because she’s basically entrusting her son to a neighborhood kid since she’s not going on the pokemon journey. It also indicates that if there’s one person that would be able to help Hyu on the path of life, and get to him through his anger / guilt / grief, it’s protag. 

FLOCCESY RANCH

Ranch Owner: Eh Herdier doesn’t normally wander off like this ... I’m sure he’ll come back soon. I’m just a little worried. Hyu: You’re “a little worried”? Are you KIDDING me?! Your pokémon might be lost forever! Whatever! I’ll look!

[ Hyu stomps off to look for the Herdier. ]

Ranch Owner: Jeez...

Alright Hyu is hot from the start, and immediately starts seething from the get-go because the owner is merely shrugging off the situation, which he’s acknowledged is odd. Although in a calmer frame of mind Hyu can acknowledge the trust in his pokemon / confidence he has Herdier will return, the switch in Hyu’s brain thinking about Plasma has already been flipped and that sort of acknowledgement isn’t going to happen. Hyu speaks snappily at the owner ( a grown ass adult, making Hyu himself seem like an ill-mannered, poor-tempered kid who’s angry for no reason ) because he has no reservations about full on yelling at an adult even though he’s just a teenager, and this illustrates that.

Hyu, searching for Herdier: Still, pokémon don’t just wander off on their own. In a worst-case scenario, it might be involved in some trouble!

Angry as he is at the dope of the Ranch Owner, you bet your everything Hyu is stressing internally and vowing he’ll literally exhaust himself to find this Herdier so that another person doesn’t have to suffer the same pain Vera did.

( Herdier returned, Ranch Owner basically just says “Thanks” )

Hyu: You’re awfully calm about this! Your pokémon might have been gone for good! Take better care of it!

[ Hyu stomps off, having quite literally triggered by the entire situation, and practically shaking with simultaneous anger and relief. ]

Ranch Owner: Hmm ... I wonder if something happened to him?

You can bet your ass Hyu was actually cussing @ the Ranch Owner, though this is a children’s game so ofc no swearing was written out.

Unfortunately through the course of getting his anger verbalized at the Owner, protag had to stand there awkwardly like when you go over to a friend’s house as a kid and they get in trouble with their parent and get disciplined right in front of you / would also have a pit in their stomach because they know.

Also who the fuck just asks “I wonder if something happened to him?” publicly / out loud / loud enough for someone obviously a friend to hear? That’s the equivalent of asking someone to their face “what is wrong with you?” Super rude and ouch how dare you but also I hate to admit the Ranch Owner wasn’t on to something.

ROUTE 20

Nothing of import.

VIRBANK CITY

Hyu: Shut it! You guys are the worst! You talk about saving pokémon, but you're just pokémon thieves! Don't think I'll ever forgive you! I'll crush you and your new plans! I can never forgive Team Plasma! Hyu, after defeating Plasma: Tsk! What a bunch of creeps! Hyu, getting ready for Castelia: I’m going to look for Team Plasma! I can’t forgive those guys!

Hyu undoubtedly calls Grunts every insult under the sun that he can possibly think of and string into words. He knows mere grunts aren’t the ones he needs to exhaust his anger / energy on, but he makes sure they feel his hatred nonetheless in any way he can manage. He can at least discriminate, however slightly, between Grunts and the people truly responsible for he / his family’s grief.

CASTELIA CITY

Hyu: That's a strange ship. A sailing ship in this day and age?

Hyu baby your dumdum energy is showing. Though I suppose even noticing that is being more observant / demonstrating greater intelligence than many people give you credit for.

Hyu: Did you find Team Plasma?! (If No): Augh! Those dirty pokémon theives! (If Yes): Uh ... thanks ... but you don’t need to lie to me just so I won’t be disappointed!

Hyu is fairly quick to pick up on lies / shorts of truth, even if they’re said with a straight face. This doesn’t mean he’s a human lie detector but he’s usually pretty good at it.

CASTELIA SEWERS

Hyu: I need you to get tougher! Even I'm going to have trouble taking them on all by myself ... Anyway, it's okay! I'll take care of healing our pokémon! I'm counting on you! Are you ready to go?

( if talked to ... )

Hyu, 1x: I’m sorry I got you mixed up in this, but I can’t forgive Team Plasma!

Immediately blaming himself for yet another person even having to experience Plasma.

Hyu, 2x: So this is the sewer ... well, it’s not as stinky as I expected. Hyu, 3x: Still ... pokémon live everywhere, don’t they? Hyu, 4x: If you don’t get strong, you can’t protect the things that are important to you!

This is a first allusion to how Hyu views himself as weak / not strong enough ( aside from the statement admitting even he might have trouble alone ) to protect what’s important to him, spurred first by being unable to protect Vera, her Purrloin, and by extension his grandfather.

Hyu, 5x+: Don’t worry about me! Let’s hurry and find Team Plasma!

[ Hyu approaches Plasma ]

Hyu: Hey! Team Plasma! You villains! ( ... ) Liberate? Ha! You’re just ordinary pokémon thieves! And what’s more, you use those stolen pokémon like they’re tools! Let’s do this!

Hyu is so set on defeating Plasma alone. He repeatedly tells the protag, “I need to be strong(er)”, “I need you to be strong so you can support me”, “I need you to be strong so you can have my back”, “Back me up, (name)!”. He perceives defeating plasma as a “me” task rather than an “us” in perspective of he and his childhood friend on an adventure. Even though he’s relying on protag for support, he’s not putting their responsibilities re: Plasma on the same ground as his own perceived responsibility.

Also when you enter Castelia’s sewers you’ll notice Hyu is waiting inside. You can bet your ass that he charged inside alone / didn’t think twice about waiting for protag but when he got in there he realized he couldn’t see shit, so he waited. This is why he said the “Even I might have trouble” bit earlier... he left it vague and open-ended intentionally. Throughout their time in the sewers, Hyu kept very close to protag.

[pelikinesis]

just rewatched Trigun for the first time in probably 10 years or so?

Trigun is often extremely compelling, except when its writing becomes very bad, and by bad I mean dissatisfying in terms of internal logic.

production-wise, i get the sense that they blew the majority of the animation budget on the first two or so episodes, because they’re absolutely gorgeous, but in many of the later episodes they take a lot of shortcuts to the point where some scenes are basically slideshows.

writing-wise, there’s a number of really key moments that are intended to be emotional, but they’re so intent on discussing THEMES and making ON-BRAND CALLBACKS that characters start spouting dialogue in moments that are absolutely unfitting for the situations that were set-up, and a lot of the social issues in the later episodes is due to the fact that absolutely none of the main characters ever explain to anyone else, “Okay so there’s this guy named Knives, and he’s totally the reason why bad things happen around Vash”

and i’m not saying everything would be resolved because they’d be automatically believed, but everything Meryl and Vash say in lieu of that rightfully serve only to infuriate all the scared, misguided people precisely because they’re desperately asking for an explanation and instead they’re told some sanctimonious bullshit about how killing is bad, or so it sounds because it has not been explained to them that Vash is not who they think he is.

in hindsight, i mostly stuck around with this rewatch because of how good the first two episodes were, and the richness of the premise they promised. the idea of a pacifistic but extremely skilled gunman with a legendary reputation who is actually a dork IS interesting, especially when combined with the supporting cast. 

If someone pitched to me an RPG campaign idea set in some sci-fi wild west world where we’d be playing as insurance claims agents sent to make contact with an outlaw so fearsome he’s on the verge of being classified as a natural disaster or act of God, i’d tell them to sign me the fuck up. out of all the backgrounds for a supporting cast in this type of setting, that’s a very fresh one.

the way that all the drama in Vash’s backstory which took place aboard giant spaceships intended to colonize other planets effectively turns his past into that planet’s own Creation story in a way, and how this somewhat subtly casts himself and Knives as angels or demigods is actually way cooler to me now than i ever registered the first time I watched Trigun.

but i just don’t find that the whole Vash-Jesus-Job analogue exactly resonates. There’s no tension because Knives and the Gung-ho Guns are effectively all-powerful, and if they’d been even slightly more competent they’d have succeeded in their goals. But it’s also left completely unexplained why the most loyal of the Gung-ho Guns are loyal to the point of death to Knives, and at this point I’m actually just talking about Legato because the rest of them barely exist. but Legato, wow, what a hot mess of a plot device masquerading as a character. 

early on a question is raised: does Vash manage to get out of life-or-death scrapes with zero fatalities (though lots of property damage) due to dumb luck, or because he’s just that good? But the thing is, it’s never truly answered. Legato, in particular, is central to the least satisfying parts of the story. His powers are the most overtly supernatural and staggering in scope. It’s never explained why he has so little regard not only for the lives of other humans, but for his own life, allowing himself to be a total pawn to Knives despite probably being the most powerful character in the setting. Legato’s arc could have been used to help definitively answer the prior question, but it’s resolved in a different way that i’d call a swerve, but ultimately not a good swerve.

there are certain things i don’t mind not being explained, so long as the lack of information doesn’t turn into plot holes. So for example, i don’t really need to know what the Plants are. They’re humanoid and seemingly-sentient, and somehow provide all the resources humans need to survive on a desert planet. That’s fine. Not knowing how they work is fine. That mystery does not distract from the narrative’s comprehensibility.

But the show is very blatantly one wherein the fate of all humanity always falls on Vash’s shoulders, which is a bit too egoistic a story for my tastes--yet this wouldn’t be a problem if it were done well. i don’t think it is, though, not in its totality anyways.

Legato isn’t the only problem, he just happens to be the biggest problem. Legato isn’t so much a character as he is a plot device, a deus ex machina--not one that *resolves* the problems caused by the plot, but rather *creates* the problem that the plot requires so that the story arrives at the resolution the author wants.

Legato was the *facade* of an interesting character--an immensely powerful psychic with no regard for human life who also enjoyed eating sweets in his spare time. He can mind control hundreds if not thousands of people at once. Cool. Why can he do that, and what does he want? The answers to those two questions respectively are, (1) because shut up, that’s why, and (2) because he wants everything Knives wants because of reasons.

and that second part is infuriating, because in failing to address this, the writers miss an opportunity for exposition that would enrich not only Legato but also Knives as characters, at the same time. *how* did Knives convince Legato and also the saxophone guy to do his bidding loyally until death? Why is it that Legato is absolutely devoted to Knives, whereas Saxophone Guy shows some bitterness as they meet their ends to fulfill Knives’ plan? How has Knives secured their loyalty despite hating humans so much? See, those would have made for interesting moments, if they weren’t absolutely shunted off to the side in favor of varied scenes of Vash coughing up blood as he spouts his beliefs in a way that’s usually out-of-context for his audience.

Now, in other fighting superpower anime, i would normally expect a character such as Legato to be defeated once the protagonist figures out a weakness or limitation in his psychic powers and adopts a strategy to target that vulnerability. In a good fighting superpower anime, i might expect that a powerful psychic might have some vulnerability based on a psychological issue or two. that’s intuitive, and would not only be satisfying for the protagonist’s development to figure all that out, it would simultaneously provide an opportunity for deeper characterization of said psychic villain.

the swerve that instead Vash wins by losing, that is, by finally being forced into a situation where he has to (temporarily) violate his own moral code and shooting Legato dead was somewhat dramatic but only because of the buildup. Actually, one thing I unreservedly applaud Trigun about is the restraint they demonstrated in having Vash not even fire a gun for like the first five or six episodes which, in a 26~ episode show is quite an investment. It also spent even more time building  up like 24-25 episodes of Vash not killing anyone, and then suddenly he did. But that’s the only reason it was remotely dramatic. Legato was an enigma and and obstacle but ended up being an empty contrivance, which was disappointing.

in many early episodes, it was very clearly laid out what the villain and guest protagonists’ motives were and why they had them. the writer(s) clearly knew how to do that even within the span of a single mostly self-contained episode. and that makes the bundles of unanswered questions that Legato’s role in the story and also his existence altogether raise that much more grating on my suspension of disbelief.

As soon as Legato’s whole dilemma was resolved, i couldn’t really engage with the story anymore, save to watch the last few episodes for the sake of doing so, and also out of curiosity for where the writers were going with everything. but i was no longer invested in the characters, because at some point they started saying and doing things in a manner meant to tie a bow on the themes the writers had been harping on the whole series, but not in a way that demonstrated any internal consistency or believability as far as the characters themselves.

Vash and Meryl never tell anyone who Knives is because the writers need Vash to forever be a falsely-accused and persecuted Christ analogue. it’s so freaking transparent, and that’s one of a number of similarly unsatisfying elements to Trigun, and it’s a darned shame. because so much of the show is interesting and promising, but it doesn’t really have the follow-through. idk maybe the manga explains everything.

Finally, there’s no good reason why Knives didn’t just kill Meryl and Milly after Legato died. I’m not saying this because I wanted their characters dead or anything. I’m saying it because if Knives’ whole motivation is to hurt Vash, and if Knives thinks of humans like cockroaches, then why wouldn’t he kill Meryl and Milly not long after Vash breaks his own code against killing just to save them? Why not drive that final nail in the coffin just to spite Vash? 

All we know about Knives is that he’s Vash, but evil, he wants to wipe out humanity because he thinks they are inferior to them, and he wants to break Vash emotionally. Everything he does is motivated by spite towards Vash, and misanthropy, so killing Meryl and Milly while Vash is sulking over the abstract notion of taking a human life due to killing Legato would be the final insult to injury and would be 100% consistent with everything we know about Knives.

And this is why I couldn’t stay engaged with Trigun. Vash only adheres to his beliefs because the villains don’t do everything that’s within their power to break him. I’m not saying I wanted a grimdark downer ending. I’m saying that the only reason Trigun doesn’t have one is because the writers wanted a good ending, which clashed with everything they set up. Vash’s reaffirmation of his beliefs simply isn’t earned, not in my book, because the only reason they remain intact is because of either laziness or neglect on the part of Knives or the writers.