#hip lift up cream amazon

[southernbluebellereader]

Peach Pie and Cream

Jack Reacher x F! Southern Waitress Reader (Amazon TV show, Alan Ritchson)

Warning: Some fighting, suggestive descriptions, cutesy

Summary: Our giant man Reacher meets a charming young waitress :) and takes care of people ;)

Word Count: ~2,115 words

A/N: There will be a part 2 eventually lol

Master List - Tag List Sign-Up (tags at the bottom)

“What can I get you, sugar?”

God, the way she called him “Sugar” practically dripped from her lip-gloss covered lips like hot honey. Her breasts threatening to spill out of her lacy unpadded bra - it’s dark color barely showing through her low-cut white top.

He knew not to look, he shouldn’t, he couldn’t.

But one peek wouldn’t hurt.

It wasn’t even seven-thirty in the morning when she’d walked over to him with a pen and a little notepad.

Reacher sat up, his body erect as she spoke so sweetly to him. His eyes quickly glanced at her bosom, then made eye contact with her, showing a crooked smile, “Good morning, what are your specials?”

Y/N gave him a small smile as she caught the flicker in his eyes as he lifted them to meet yours. “Our breakfast specials include the garlic biscuit sliders with chicken, sausage, or ham…” She leaned over slightly and pointed on the menu on the table at the various specials.

Y/N’s perfume smelled so sweet. Hints of peaches and vanilla.

No. He can’t be distracted. He had to meet Neagly later. 

He smiled as he looked back up at her, he didn’t hear half of what Y/N just said about the menu, just glancing at the worn out name tag that said her name. Her cheeks blushed slightly as he looked at her, the two of them were rather close.

Smiling at her, he asked, “I’ll have the garlic biscuit with the sausage special. Can I get extra bacon and a slice of your peach pie?”

“Yes, sir, you can. You want ice tea or coffee to drink?”

“Coffee is fine. Just black.”

She quickly glanced down at his large and firm chest and then back up at his eyes. He smirked even more.

Y/N bit her lower lip and then stood upright, writing his order down, “Sure thing, honey. I’ll be right back in a few.”

And those few minutes took an eternity. Reacher’s thighs began to itch as he watched her walk back to the back counter, leaning over so she could give the chef his order through the heating lamps, blushing in playful annoyance, with the cook winking and pursed lips, making kissing noises at her until she rolled her eyes and sighed, shaking her head.

He barely knew her but the sight of the cook irritated him. That’s no way to treat you - even if it was banter between coworkers. He’d been in town for merely a few hours.

He tried to look away. He really did. But the way her hips swayed and her chest moved, her apron tight and snug around her waist, her soft body spilling out from the sides of the apron and the top of her jeans. Every time she stood by a table to take an order, she always shifted her weight to her left, her left hip pushing out of the top of her jeans.

He always liked a full woman.

Chuckling to himself, he turned slightly to keep himself from boring holes on her ass. He glanced out the window but was thankfully disturbed by the smell of her and the food he ordered.

“Here we got today’s special with extra bacon and a cup o’joe, hot and ready just for you, honey. I’m all out of peach pie but I got one coming out of the oven any secon’ now. You want some ice cream with that pie?” She laid his food down gently, he gave you a grin and thanked you, “Careful, plate’s hot, honey.”

“Ice cream would hurt my teeth but I’ll take it since you suggested it.” Reacher caught her blush. 

“I’ll make a note of it. Enjoy your food and let me know if ya need anything, ok?”

“Yes, ma’am.” He chuckled and picked up his utensils.

She winked at him and walked away, picking up a pot of coffee to replenish cups of other patrons and swatting away advances from men in their sixties on her way back to the back counter.

After a while, Y/N walked back with a plate of peach pie covered in a large scoop of vanilla ice cream and placed it in front of him.

“One large piece of fresh peach pie with a heaping scoop of homemade vanilla ice cream for the gentleman,” She said cheerfully and replenished his coffee.

He couldn’t help but smile at her, “Why on earth would you work here?” He asked bluntly, but with a soft chuckle at the end.

“Well, I got bills to pay. Just like everyone else.” She chuckled. “You ain’t got no bills?”

God, he’d do anything to hear Y/N laugh again.

“No, I don’t.”

“No bills at all?” She shook your head slightly, smiling still, thinking he’s joking.

“I have no reason to lie.”

She stared at him, not quite sure if she actually believed him or not. Most of her customers told her a few wild things here and there. But no one around these parts looked quite like him.

He was a behemoth of a man standing taller than the green giant on a can of peas, bigger and more muscular than those lumberjacks on those Brawny paper towels. His one arm was probably the size of one of her soft and plush thighs that seemed to be restricted on those skinny jeans she’s wearing.

“Aight.” She chuckled again. Her name was called, and she glanced at a group of young men about your age who dog-whistled and hollered at her. Y/N turned back around to Reacher and forced a smile, “You enjoy your pie, sir, I’ll be back in a bit with your bill. Just holler if you need anything, yeah?”

“You know them?” Reacher suddenly turned serious. His attention was on those young men who banged on the table, demanding that she serve them.

“I-I’m sorry about them, I’ll tell them to quiet down in a minute. They’re just a little rowdy-“

“That’s not what I asked. Do you know them?” He asked again, looking up at her. Her demeanor changed. Embarrassment. She could pick out that pleather jacket out from a crowd. 

Blushing slightly in embarrassment, she answered, “I know one of them… that one in the sport’s jacket. The rest are his little friends. But I’ll tell them to-“

Before she could finish, Reacher stood up from his seat, his mere size making you gasp. She hadn’t realized how large he actually was until he stood up, she hadn’t seen him when he first walked in.

“Sir- please you don’t have to talk to them, what are you doin-“

“Your name is Y/N?”

“Y-Yes…” she clutched the handle of the coffee pot to make sure she didn’t drop it. He glanced down at her and gave her a half-smirk, “Just go stay behind the counter and put the coffee back on the machine so it doesn’t get cold.”

Not knowing what to think, Y/N did what he asked, the other waitresses following suit, other customers either staying in their seats or moving away as they watched Reacher walk up to the group of rowdy young men who still tried to get your attention.

He grabbed a chair and sat it by the edge of the table and sat down. Even sitting down, his large body frame towered over them. He didn’t say anything at first but looked at them smugly for a moment as they all stared at him. 

The main culprit looked like he had a vein about to pop out of his forehead, “Can I help you?”

“Any reason you need Y/N to help you?”

“She’s a waitress, and I’ve been trying to get her number for a hot minute - she works here, of course she’s going to serve us.” He scoffed.

“I don’t appreciate you calling her over like she’s a dog, Pleather.”

—

“This will just sting a little-“

“Y/N, I’m fine-“

“No you ain’t, Reacher. Your brow and your lip is all busted up and that one guy had a knife.” Y/N shook her head as she cleaned up his brow with some alcohol and then put a small bandage on his forehead.

Reacher smiled at her the whole time as he let her patch him up. She’d taken him off to the side. Moaning in the distance outside, incoherent cursing could be heard from the parking lot as the group of young men eventually stood up from the ground and made it back to their car. The main culprit was hanging out in the parking lot, looking through the window at Y/N and Reacher. He spit on the ground before finally going back to his car.

“But I’m serious, Reacher… you ain’t have to do that…” Once she finished, Y/N put the extra bandages back in the First Aid kit and looked at him with concern.

“Well, I did it anyway. And last I checked, you’re not a dog.”

Y/N couldn’t help but smile and then patted his shoulder. “You’re sweet. Sorry about your pie, the ice cream is all melted. I’ll get you a new one.”

“You eat that new one, I’ll eat mine.” Reacher was not one to waste food if he could help it - especially when trouble seemed to follow him. Smiling softly, she nodded and patted his shoulder before going back behind the counter and cutting her own slice of pie as Reacher walked back to his seat, waiting and watching as Y/N walked back and sat opposite of him.

Like teenagers, they couldn’t keep eye contact while trying to eat their peach pie.

“That was some military fightin’ back there, Reacher? Is it ok if I call you Reacher?” Y/N managed to muster out, clearing his throat and looking up at him.

Chuckling softly, Reacher nodded, “Yeah, I was in for a while.” He paused for a moment, watching her eat. The stories she must’ve heard from people. The restaurant was quiet again. She looked up at him, giving him a small smile. “Jack is fine too.”

“Jack? That’s your first name?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Jack Reacher.” She said. She was quiet for a second as she examined him. Taking in his appearance. Committing him to memory. She sucked the inside of her cheek as she tilted her head. Savoring his name, as if she took a bite of him like she did that pie. The sweetness in her voice dripping from her lips as she said his whole name. Sweeter than the half-eaten peach pies sitting before them.

“I like it. Hard to forget a name like that. It’s different. You stayin’ here long, Jack?” She scooped the last bit of pie and placed the spoon face down on her tongue, sucking off whatever peach pie remnants were left on the spoon before placing the spoon on her plate.

Very few people’s opinions mattered to Reacher, he barely knew Y/N but it made him smile when she said his name and that she liked his name. It gave him an unusual feeling. Couldn’t help but wonder what peach pie would taste like when it’s on her tongue. 

“Just passing through.” He leaned back once he finished his slice of pie, admiring the woman in front of him. Her lipgloss still glistened. Her eyes sparkled. Her breasts barely contained in her bra.

“That’s unfortunate. I would’ve loved to see you again, Jack.” She smiled when she took notice of him admiring her. It was a different type of admiration. “Can I call you?”

“Don’t have a phone.”

“Can I send you a letter?”

“Don’t have an address.”

“Well, damn, how will I talk to you and get to know you when you leave? Will this be the last I see of Jack Reacher, the man who saved my life?”

“I’ll come back tonight.” Reacher chuckled, smirking at her.

Y/N chuckled and then leaned forward slightly, resting her forearms on the table, making the softness in her breasts very obvious as they pressed up. “Is that so? Well, would you like me to tell you the dinner specials now or later?”

“What time to do you get off?”

“After dinner tonight. Would you like to join me for dinner?” 

“I should be asking you that.” Reacher mirrored her actions, leaning forward, his massive arms made of military grade steel rested on the table. Their faces were mere inches apart.

“Well, I asked first.”

Reacher wasn’t one to pursue women. But Y/N? From the little time he got to interact with her, he might hang around this little country town a little while longer.

TAG LIST

@redpool @mykneeshurt

[hobicakess]

RIDE OR DIE | Jeon Jungkook

SUMMARY: Young, hot, and pussy drunk Jungkook was just your type.

RATING: 18++ (im not a babysitter. You are in control of what you consume)

TAGS/WARNING: unprotected sex , mean dom reader , female reader , mommy kink , porn with little to no plot , riding , subby Jungkook , nonna kink , age gap [5 years] , voyeurism , mentions of ex husband namjoon , crying kink , cream pie [zont do this] , himbo jungkookie

A/n: Freak nasty hours 😋 [not my header]

"Noona, please -" his whine was loud and obnoxious as his eyes became glossy, pink lips parted wide in an O shape. You ignored his protest and kept riding. It was wrong to be sleeping with your ex-husbands assistant, but it was just something about him since he'd turned 25. The piercings, the tattoos, and the long fluffy hair. Jungkook was a whole Amazon package waiting to be unboxed. Plus Namjoon had nothing to do with you or your pussy.

"Noonaaa," he gargled, making you roll your eyes, stopping your movements altogether. If there was one thing about younger guys, it was they were so needy and whiny. You were now seated on his lap, his cock hard and throbbing inside of you. You watched his chest raise and fall as he blinked back tears from his dark doe eye. "What Jungkook?" He whined again, body trembling tiny little tremors.

"S'too much" he was braindead when it came to your pussy it didn't help that he was already pretty stupid when you weren't having sex. Mockingly pouting down at him, going to kiss his raw lips, your hands sliding up his tatted stomach.

"My poor kookie.. " You tsk at him,causing him to whine louder. "You wanna be my good boy? huh?"

"Mhm mhm mhm" nodding eagerly, dark hair falling in his eyes. "Then shut the fuck up and take it." Your eyes harden as you lift yourself off and slam your hips back down. He was crying now tears falling onto his rosey cheeks hair sticking there.

Leaning down, you grip his face, licking the salty drops and shoving your tongue in his mouth. "Mm, my good boy feeling me up so good," you whisper onto his lips.

Your thighs smacking onto his hip, pussy gripping him to no return. "Ah ah ah m gonna cum.. cummin in my mommies pussy" he hissed,raising up wrapping his arms around your waist tightly hips lifting up to matching your slams hands gripping the fat of your thighs and hips mouth latching onto your harden nipple

"Shit, baby, fill mommy up like a good boy."

Feeling his cock twitch he let out a loud and needy whimper before shooting his load deep inside your gummy walls. He stopped thrusting as his legs shook, arms crushing you. You shush him while panting heavily eyes drifting towards the crack in the door. The familiar eyes of your ex husband was there for a split second and then gone.

Spent and well fucked out he flopped on his back. You tap his cheek "I didn't cum, come eat and maybe I'll let you suck my tits till you sleep." Immediately he sprung into action flipping you on your back legs high in the air.

[azbreasts-blog]

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[smol-and-grumpy]

Mirror

Pairing: Sub!Dean Winchester x Reader

Summary: She takes him from behind and makes him watch himself in the mirror, and honestly, Dean loves it.

Warnings: Sub!Dean, strap on dildo, pegging, flavored lube (which is yuck, at least the one I use in the fic), Dean has a praise kink too

WC: 1018

A/N: This was written for @spnkinkbingo​, filling out my ‘flavored lube’ square.

Dean buries his face in the mattress. His hand grips into the sheets, fingers curling around them. He closes his eyes when he feels her slick thumb pressing against his hole.

She doesn’t penetrate him yet, instead traces circles around the puckered skin. He moans. It’s hard not to. 

He hears her chuckle, imagines her grinning, probably enjoying this as much as he does, if not more. 

She breaches his entrance and he should be ashamed at how hungry his hole is, because it is shamelessly sucking her right in. 

“Fuck,” Dean huffs out, breathes heavily into the mattress, feels damp air around his mouth at how hard he’s panting. 

“So good, Dean, such a good boy for me,” She praises, as she takes the thumb out and replaces it with two of her slick fingers. “You’re taking it so well, baby. Greedy too, ain’t cha?” 

Dean whimpers, a ‘yes’ forms in his mouth but didn’t quite make it past his lips. His cock hard and heavy, trapped between him and the mattress and he wants so much to rut against it, needs fucking something. Of course he can’t, she’s calling the shots tonight and his role in this is to be a good boy and do whatever she says. He has no problem with that, even loves it when he can just lean back and let go.

She curls her fingers just right, making Dean see fucking stars. 

“Jesus!” It came out of him, choked, breathless. 

“Yahtzee!” She giggles, rubs the pad of her fingertips against the sweet spot and Dean lifts up his hips a little, granting her more access.

He’s aware that he probably act like he’s desperate, which, let’s be honest here, he definitely is.

“Baby, I…” He pants, pushing his hips back, and almost fucks himself on her fingers. His hand still tangled in the sheets, his head still buried in the mattress. “You gotta let me..ah...fuck.”

She pulls her fingers out swiftly and he clenches his hole around nothing, feels empty and frustrated all of a sudden. He curses under his breath, something she couldn’t hear.

“Not yet, Dean,” 

Dean knows that she’s still grinning, probably even fucking beaming and he would give anything to kiss that fucking cocky smile away. 

“I want you to come on my cock,”

Fuck yes. He thinks, and wishes she would fucking move on with it because he’s a blink away from creaming the sheets.

He can hear opening of a bottle, can hear the farting noise which the bottle makes as it’s squeezed dry. She’s probably applying a generous amount of lube onto her strap on dildo, the one that looks awfully like Dean’s cock and he loves to watch her use it. He also loves it when she uses it on him. 

Buying that dildo is a double win, really. 

The room smells like apple pie. She had found the apple pie flavored lube on Amazon and Dean can’t say that he really minded the smell. Even insisted to buy a dozen bottles because he liked it so much.

Triple win.

Dean feels her slick hands pulling his hips up a little and nudge his thighs further apart. He whimpers into the mattress when he feels the tip of the dildo nudging against his hole, bites on his tongue and fucking tastes copper when she pushed in.

With every slow inch, she leans more forward, until she was up his ass to the hilt and her upper body melts into his back. She kisses along his shoulders, biting, teeth scraping along the base of his neck as she moves her hips, fucking him slow and easy and so fucking good. 

“You’re taking me so good, Dean,” She whispers, licking at his shoulder blades, her tits rubbing against his back, he can feel her hard nipples rubbing themselves raw against him, would actually love to suck on them, bite them, fucking mark them up. 

“Such a good boy,” She says, spraying kisses across his back, and he thinks that she’s playing connect the dots with his freckles because that’s one of her favorite games. 

“Look up, Dean, look at you,”

He complies, looking up to meet his own reflection in the mirror she moved there before it all started.

“You look so good when I fuck you,” 

He sees her smiling at him through the mirror, blushes a little. 

Seeing her taking him from behind, seeing the flush of her face, the determination in her eyes with every push she gives, he’s not able to hold it out for too long. 

“Can you come like that, huh? Just from me fucking you?” 

“Fuck,” Dean manages to say, halfway burying his face back into the mattress because yes, he’s gonna blow. 

“No, don’t,” She says, “Look at yourself, look at you, Dean, so pretty when you come on my cock,”

“Yeah?” Dean looks up, sees himself, sees his eyebrow meeting in the middle as his balls draws up.

“Yeah, Dean,” She fucks him harder, her hips slapping against his cheeks, the slick wet sound of a dildo going in and out of his ass is loud and filthy in the room. It could definitely make anyone blush and normally they’d be careful not to make too much sound but tonight everyone’s out - at least he hoped they did go out like they told him they would. If not, it’s too late to care now anyway. The tip of the dildo curves just right, stabbing into the wall at his spot. It’s the right side of painful.

“Jesus fucking Christ!” 

He groans out, loud and deep, as his legs start to give out.

Dean feels the warm slick on his stomach, and below him in the sheets as he sank back onto the mattress, with her still buried in him. 

“Fuck,” 

He lays his head onto the mattress and dares to look into the mirror with one eye open, sees a picture of himself, all fucked out and full of bliss. Smiles and huffs, when he meets her eyes and she grins back at him. 

[dragonotaku-justineverything]

Alone Time

(This was an insanely old ask that didn’t get through because Tumblr kept eating it. So instead it was sent by message by the asker, who will still remain anonymous. I’ve had this for over a year and I’m so sorry this follow up took so long. I hope you all enjoy! This will also be posted on my Archive of Our Own page.)

Anonymous Asked: After a fantastic new year’s eve party with friends and family. Jaune and Blake decide to finally sit down and relax within the belladonna household. All was quiet until the 2 notice something......they were all alone. Mainly due to Kali and Ghira running out to do some errands for the duo. Realizing that they have the mansion to themselves the 2 decide to have a bit of “fun” with each other 😏.

{Alone Time}

Kinks: Anal, Blowjob with prostate massage, ball sucking, pile-driver or Amazon position you choose.

Jaune Arc let out an exasperated sigh when he plopped down on the Belladonna’s sofa in their living room. His butt sank comfortably into the cushion and his arms resting on the back of the couch. It had been a long day. Friends of the Belladonna family had dropped in and out all day during their party. As Blake’s fiancé, since last week, Mrs. Belladonna thought he needed to be introduced to all the people the Belladonna’s had known for years. Every introduction was awkward for Jaune, but he thinks he made mostly good impressions. It helped when Blake was with him, but most of the time it was Kali dragging him off to go meet people.

Now it was finally over. He could sit down and just relax. He threw his head back and let out another sigh, trying to get all the exhaustion out of his system. That’s when he felt two soft mounds followed by some weight land in his lap. He let out a dramatic “Oof” and looked to see what was in his lap. 

It was his fiancée, one Blake Belladonna. She had sat in his lap and leaned back into Jaune’s chest. She turned her head to look behind her at Jaune and gave him a small smile. Jaune returned her smile while he gently wrapped his arms around her waist. “Hey Blake.”

“Hello Jaune. Are you tired?”

Jaune shrugged weakly. “A bit yeah. Just did a lot of talking today.”

Blake nodded her head, accidentally making her soft hair brush Jaune’s face, and leaned back deeper into Jaune so her head was next to his. “Yeah, I bet. Sorry about my Mom.”

“Oh please, it’s fine. I didn’t mind really. She was excited her future son-in-law.”

Blake chuckled at that. She lifted her hand up to look her engagement ring yet again. It looked just as beautiful as the day Jaune proposed to her. “Yeah. I guess she did. Dad usually can hold her back, but he stood no chance today.”

Jaune barked out a laugh. “Hahaha he sure can have his hands full sometimes.” There was a pause, then he asked, “Speaking of them, where are your parents? I haven’t seen or heard them since the fireworks went off.”

“They said they were going out to town to run a few quick errands.”

“Really? But it’s past mid-” Jaune stopped his questioning when he realized something. “So we’re all alone right now?”

Blake let her smile turn sultry and looked sideways at Jaune. “Yup. For an hour most likely.”

“So you wanna...you know...bedroom?”

“Do I want to go upstairs and have sex with my amazing fiancé after almost two weeks of abstinence?” Blake shook her soft butt in Jaune’s lap, getting a bulge to slow rise. “I’d say,” Blake leaned in towards Jaune, and whispered in his ear, “I’m going to put something on that I’ve been saving, and you’d better be there ready to plow me into the bed~.” Blake finished her threat by softly licking Jaune’s earlobe. After that, she got up a sauntered off up the stairs. Jaune watched her leave, more specifically her ass as it swayed side to side. However, once her hypnotic cheeks were out of sight, Jaune snapped back to his senses and rushed up the stairs after Blake had already entered the bathroom to change.

Five minutes later and Blake entered her bedroom and smiled at seeing Jaune laying on the bed. His shirt was already off and on the floor, revealing his defined pecs and noticeable six-pack abs. Blake licked her lips as she leaned against the door frame and spoke. “Good boy Jaune. What do you think of my little surprise?”

Jaune looked over to the doorway at the sound of Blake’s voice, and immediately went slacked jawed. She was wearing a dark purple corset that pushed up and squeezed her breasts in a perfect way. They looked even bigger and firmer than they already were. Jaune’s unblinking stare trailed down Blake’s body. The corset hugged her waist and showed how slim it was. Further down, Blake had paired the corset with some sexy black underwear. Not a thong, but with the way it was enveloped between her big ass cheeks, it might as well have been. 

Jaune managed to close his mouth and speak. “It’s beautiful. Like you.”

Blake stopped leaning on the door frame and sashayed over to Jaune, swaying her hips with every step. “Flatterer. And I love that cheesy side of you.” Blake now stood in front of Jaune at the side of the bed. “Now since we might not have much time, and I’ve been beyond horny the last two weeks, we are NOT doing foreplay.” Blake dropped down to her knees in front of Jaune. “Let me get these pants off of you~.”

Blake nimbly raised her hands up to Jaune’s jeans. She wasted no time unbuttoning and unzipping them, all the while smiling up at Jaune with a hunger obvious in her amber eyes.

In seconds, Jaune’s pants were pulled down around his ankles and his boxers followed. Blake moved her gaze down to her favorite snack, now at full mast in anticipation and was now free from its confines. She licked her lips and leaned in, letting the hard dick rest against her face. Doing so showed just how well endowed Jaune was, a full nine inches. A full nine inches that Blake hadn’t gotten to enjoy since they boarded the ship to Menagerie.

Well that losing streak ends right now. Blake started by giving her fiancé’s balls a swift lick, then taking one into her mouth, getting Jaune to groan. Blake rolled her tongue around Jaune’s ball in slow circles. She felt the familiar texture and her missed it dearly, and obviously Jaune had too. Blake pulled off and repeated the process with Jaune’s other ball. 

She stopped her tongue right under his ball and bounced it up a few times, then started to suck on it, seemingly trying to pull it deeper into her mouth. Then in the blink of an eye, opened her mouth just enough to bring his other full testicle into her warm cavern. Now the cat Faunus was rolling both of Jaune’s balls around in her mouth with her tongue.

Between his moans, Jaune managed to find his voice. “You’re being quite a tease Blake, what happened to no foreplay?”

Blake chuckled in the back of her throat and released Jaune’s tasty balls. She gave his sack one last, quick lick and spoke, “I just wanted to see how much cum you’ve been storing up for me. When was the last time you got some relief? Your balls feel so full! They’re holding so much cum, and I want them emptied inside me. Every. Last. Drop.”

Without another word, Blake moved her lips to wrap around the tip of Jaune’s cock. Then with a wink up to her love, she slide five inches down his shaft on the first go. With practiced ease, Blake lips hugged Jaune’s dick tightly and squeezed it as she brought her head back up.  When only Jaune’s tip was left in her mouth, Blake flicked her tongue over it before swiftly shoving her head back down into Jaune’s crotch. She reached deeper this time without too much effort. She began to fall back into her preferred rhythm when sucking Jaune off. Judging by the noises Jaune was making, it was still just as effective too.

The moment Blake had took his dick into her warm mouth, Jaune felt himself melt into the pleasure. He actually had to brace himself up by placing his hands behind him on the bed. He threw his head back and moaned out, “Fuck Blake your mouth feels just as amazing as always! You suck my fucking dick like a pro!” 

Blake seemed to appreciate what Jaune said because she started to bob her head faster. She didn’t reach as deep, but her speed alone made Jaune gasp for breath. She rubbed her tongue along whatever length of delicious cock she took into her eager mouth, and Jaune felt everything bring him closer to the edge. The two weeks he had gone without any form of pleasure or release were really working against Jaune at the moment. Only two minutes after the blowjob had started and Jaune felt his cock pulse and himself nearing the tipping point.

But he didn’t want to cum just yet. Not like this.

“B-Blake, Blake! Stop...stop!”

Blake immediately slowed down and pulled off his cock. “What? Was I doing something wrong?”

“N-no no. It’s just that I was just about to cum.”

Blake quirked up an eyebrow at Jaune, giving him a weird look. She slowly traced her right hand up and down his shaft to keep it hard as she spoke. “That’s kinda the idea Jaune.” Her voice then turned sultry. “I want you to fill my mouth and throat with your thick cream~.” 

Jaune’s dick twitched from just hearing Blake’s tone. “I-I was just wondering if you could do that thing again? That you did last time, with your finger?”

Blake immediately knew what he was asking for, and she was getting even wetter from the idea of it. She stopped stroking his shaft and answered. “Sure, but then you need to stand up for me.”

Jaune immediately did so, standing up fully a foot from the bed. Blake shuffled back on her knees to get into a better position. She moved her right index finger up to her mouth and sucked on it erotically to give Jaune a show. When it was nice and slick, Blake reached between Jaune’s legs and pressed it against his tight asshole. With a little force, she pushed her finger in. 

She easily slid in up to her knuckle thanks to her spit, and it was even easier to find Jaune’s prostate. She could tell she’d found it by the way Jaune’s whole body seemed to twitch when she pressed down on the small lump she felt. Grinning at Jaune’s face of ecstasy, Blake repositioned her head and began sucking his cock all over again. 

Now that Jaune was standing, he only had his legs keeping him up. With the blowjob and Blake now pressing down on his little “joy” button, he soon felt himself reaching the edge again. A few more bobs and a particular hard pressing of Blake’s finger, and Jaune reached his limit. “Oh fuck Blake. I’m so close. I’m gonna fill your throat up with cum! Get ready!”

Jaune grabbed Blake’s head, tangling his fingers in her soft black locks, and pushed her head down on his meat all the way to the base so that her nose was pressed almost flat against his waste. His cock entered her throat, and with a slight gag from Blake, Jaune let out a loud, breathy “Fuck!” and came. His entire cock pulsed as long ropes of his cum went straight into Blake’s hungry throat. Soon it was too much and Blake had to pull back a bit to let her mouth hold some of it. That was being filled pretty quickly too.

Jaune finally felt his cock stop twitching. He pulled his hips back, letting his dick pull free from the warmth of Blake’s mouth. Blake looked up to Jaune and opened her mouth to show him just how much cum he had pumped into her mouth. There was a good sizable puddle in her open mouth. 

Blake loved having the taste of Jaune’s cream on her tongue again. After giving Jaune a good look, Blake closed her lips. Then after with one big gulp, she reopened them and showed Jaune her now empty mouth. That sight seemed to breathe a second wind into Jaune’s dick as it grew hard all over again. 

Jaune sat back down on the bed, catching his breath from the intense orgasm he just had. “God of Light, that was as amazing as I remembered.”

Blake stood up herself, licking her lips as she straddled Jaune’s lap, her panty clad crotch pressing his cock up against his stomach. Jaune’s arms were quick to wrap around her slim waist. The soft material of her purple corset felt nice against his bare arms.

Blake looked straight into Jaune’s eyes as she spoke. “While that was fun, it’s my turn now Jaune~.”

Jaune grinned back at her. “Don’t you worry Blake.” Without a word, he flipped the two of them around so that Blake was laying on her back and Jaune was on top of her. This earned a playful giggle out of his future wife. He pulled back to pull her black underwear down her flawless legs. Once they were off, Jaune tossed them off to the side on the floor. He lifted Blake’s Bellabooty up into his lap before speaking. “After all, you said I needed to be ready to ‘plow you into the bed’”. And I am beyond fucking ready.” Jaune adjusted himself to he was on one knee and the tip of his cock was pressed against Blake’s tight asshole, all the while her ass was being arched upward and her back stayed flat on the bed. 

Blake knew this position as she was the one who taught it to Jaune. It was called the piledriver position. She also knew she was definitely in one hell of a pounding as Jaune never held back while in this position. 

Jaune gently rubbed a hand up Blake’s right leg as he held it against his chest. He started to gently press his still saliva covered tip against Blake’s eagar hole, but not hard enough to enter. He did this over and over. “What do you want Blake?”

Blake gasped slightly at Jaune’s commanding tone. Hearing him get assertive was almost always a good turn on for her. “I-I want your cock in my ass.”

Jaune pushed a little harder. “Why?”

“Because I want it. I need it! It’s been so long, please Jaune, stop teasing me and just fill my ass!”

Jaune chuckled. “Good kitty.” Without another word Jaune lifted up on Blake’s leg and thrusted down with his hips. 

SLAP

The combined motions gave Blake exactly what she wanted. Jaune shoved his saliva slick shaft into Blake’s tight hole all the way to his base. Her ass accepted Jaune’s thrust with ease and even seemed to squeeze tighter around his shaft.

For her part, Blake cried out in absolute pleasure. Her eyes almost rolled into the back of her head at the feeling she missed so much. Her ass seemed to fit perfectly around Jaune’s meat, just like always. 

SMACK...SMACK...SMACK

When Jaune began to pull his hips back and pound back down into her, his waist slapped down roughly against Blake’s soft booty. Both pairs of Blake’s ears were filled with the sounds of flesh slapping flesh, the grunts of labor Jaune made while he repeatedly pound down into her ass, and her own screams of pleasure.

“Oh fucking god Jaune! Just like that! Please fuck your little kitty butt-slut Jaune! Pound my ass with that thick dick!” 

Jaune did just as Blake asked. He pistioned his hips down into Blake like a jackhammer. His rhythm was nearly perfect, only skipping a beat when he needed to re-adjust. Blake lost herself to the pleasure shooting through her body from Jaune’s motions. Her eyes rolled up and her teeth clamped shut instinctively. Her clenched teeth made her unable to let out the scream of pure, unbridled bliss that she felt form in her throat as she finally came. Her juices flowed out of her pussy and ran down her front. The front of her corset became soaked in her cum, a nice dark spot forming on the fabric over her stomach.

While Blake came on her stomach, Jaune didn’t stop pounding. Seeing his love cum under him pushed him closer to cumming himself. A few more pounds and Jaune groaned one last time as he hilted his cock fully into Blake’s ass. A second later, and Blake felt her ass being filled with Jaune’s warm, thick cum. It wasn’t as much as he had pumped into her mouth, but it was still enough to make her able to feel it. 

Jaune slowly slid his dick up and out of Blake’s now filled ass. When it was fully free, Jaune looked down to see Blake’s asshole closing, only a small trickle of his cum leaking out. He fell back onto the bed, letting Blake’s ass and leg drop, and rested his tired legs. As he panted to catch his breath, Blake groaned and sat up, her back slightly sore already, and lowered ha hand to rub her ass cheeks that were slightly red from all the pounding they just took. 

After a few seconds of silence, Blake crawled over to Jaune and cuddled up next to him. “That was absolutely wonderful Jaune. Thank you, I really needed that.”

“You and me both Blake. God I didn’t realize how long it had been since our last romp.”

“Well we’re only here for a few more days. After that, we won’t need to hold ourselves off~.”

“Yeah, that’ll be nice.” Jaune yawned widely before he could continue his next sentence. His exhaustion from an hour ago finally catching back up to him. Also the fact that it was past 3:00 A.M. factored into his tiredness. “Blake, you ready for bed?”

Blake lazily looked over at the clock, then back to Jaune and rubbed her head gently against his as she nodded. “That took a lot out of me. We also still need to be up tomorrow for breakfast with my parents.”

Without another word, Jaune shifted his body and lifted the comforter and sheets out from under him. After he slid under them, he held them up for Blake and she slide in next to him. After she was laying next to him, Jaune dropped the sheets back to the bed. He then wrapped his arm around Blake’s waist hugged her as close to him as he could. He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, smelling the lovely lavender scent of Blake’s hair. “Happy New Year Blake.”

Blake smiled, closed her eyes, and nuzzled into his comfy chest. “Happy New Year Jaune.”

Together, they fell asleep together in Blake’s old bed. Both of them couldn’t be happier.

...............................

While Jaune and Blake had their fun, Kali and Ghira hadn’t left to run some errands, but had instead gone to an inn within Menagerie. Mainly due to Kali’s constant insistence. They’d been there for only five minutes and Ghira had already started pacing the floor of the room they rented. He had only been following Kali’s lead, but now they were just sitting around for no reason. While he paced, his lovely wife had taken to sitting down on the edge of the queen size bed the room had. 

Ghira stopped moving and turned to look down at Kali. “Kali, why must we be out so late? Blake is probably worried about us!”

Kali waved a hand at her husband to dismiss his statement. “Oh hush Ghira. We’re giving them some much needed alone time.”

Ghira’s eyes widened after hearing what his wife said. “What exactly do they need ‘alone time‘ for!?”

“To have sex obviously. I want them to get started on getting me some grandkids.” Kali said in a tone that made it sound like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Ghira definitely didn’t see it that way. He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. “Kali, you can’t keep trying to interfere with them.”

“I can and will.”

Ghira sighed deeper. “But you shouldn’t! They’ll get there on their own time.”

Kali finally looked a little sheepish. “Oh alright dear. No more meddling from me…. for now.” Kali then grinned mischievously at her loving husband. “You knoooow… there was another reason why I had us get a room for the night.”

Ghira quirked an eyebrow at her. “And what would that be?”

Kali continued to smirk. She moved her hands and started to undo her black and yellow robes. “Blake and Jaune aren’t the only ones who have needed some alone time recently~.” Her robes fell loose, revealing some very flattering black lingerie. “I’ve been pretty needy myself recently, and I know you’ve felt the same dear~.”

Ghira almost drooled at the sexy sight of his wife, a massive tent forming in his baggy pants. This didn’t go unnoticed by Kali. 

“Oh looks like you agree. Now, come over here love~.

Ghira grinned and started to strip as he closed in on his wife. “Of course dear.”

Kali giggled wildly as Ghira pounced. The inn’s room was filled with moans, grunts, and sighs of absolute content for hours.

It was a pretty great start to the new year for everyone.

END

Total Story Word Count: 3500 Posted on Tumblr: January 7, 2020 Posted on Archive of Our Own: January 7, 2020

[sabraeal]

Through the Wringer

Go For Broke | Previous

Obiyuki AU Bingo Mystery AU

“So let me get this straight.” Suzu heaves a sigh like a pair of cement shoes, nose pinched between a pair of fingers so long and spindly that if he moved them together with the other eight, spiders would start jawing on about his fine set of gams. “You just...gave her the paper.”

“Gave is a strong word.” Obi kicks his heels up, dirt crumbling right onto the placard that reads SUZU EASON, ADJUNCT. “I showed her the stuff, and she took ‘em.”

Right out of his hands too, so quick he’d hardly had time to blink. That Nowakoski girl had some fight to her, that’s for sure.

“And by ‘she,’ you mean our murderess,” Suzu snips, waving his hands. “Get your boots off my desk! This is-- this is an academic institution, not some-- some speakeasy or something.”

He slants his smirk the way he knows will drive his favorite almost-professor crazy. “They don’t let you do it at bars either.”

“Then I cannot fathom why you think you can do this here, to my very own desk!” Suzu frowns down at the worn desktop, running his fingers over the grooves of the hundred despairing adjuncts that came before. “I just got the thing, Obi, I want to keep it nice for at least a little while.”

He gives it to him, dropping his soles back down to the dirt. The egghead looks like he could use the break.

“And stop smiling!” Suzu huffs, brushing the clay and gravel off after him. “You just let a murderess take our only proof that Kain Wisteria may have died of something other than an unlucky break in Amiens.”

Obi waggles a finger at him “You’ve been hanging around that fussy grouch box and his rocks, haven’t you?”

Suzu puffs up, using all six foot, four inches of him to be just as intimidating as Raggedy Andy. “Professor Lata is a tenured professor.”

Obi doesn’t have the heart to tell him that’s not as impressive to all the non-eggheads outside.

“And he’s the geology chair,” he continues, as if that’s helping matters. “So his opinion--”

“Ah.” Obi fishes a wrapper out of the trash, the spicy scent of hot pastrami still thick on the air. “He bought you lunch.”

Suzu deflates, eyes skittering away from Obi’s grin. “I don’t see what that has to do with anything.”

“Seems to me like you’re taking pages out of his book,” he says as Suzu snatches the paper out of his hands, crumpling it back down into the trash. “Being a real grouch, I mean.”

“I’m not-- I’m not being grouchy!” he hisses, mouth pulled thin. “Do you know how much trouble I could get into for all this? You told me this would just be a little favor and now--” he throws up his hands-- “I didn’t even ask Shidan for permission! We’re sitting on a-- a ticking time bomb of a theory that you just gave to a murderer.”

“Oh come on.” He shrugs beneath the weight of his trench. “She didn’t kill anyone.”

Suzu’s as pale as they come in this city, so it’s a real light show when he gets hot and bothered. Which he is right now, if Obi can tell his colors.

“And which head made that deduction?” he grits out. “I’ve practically staked my career on this-- by accident-- and now our only proof is in the hands of--”

“Hey.” A head sticks around the corner, wearing a face so cute someone could slap it on a doll and it’d sell like hotcakes. “So this is where you’re hiding out.”

“Oh!” Suzu presses a hand to his chest, clutching at the cotton of his button-down. “It’s just you, Yuzuri. Can you tell Obi that he can’t just--”

“I’m not here to get involved in your lover’s quarrel.” Her hands hook on her hips, right where her sweater meets the swell of a decent pair of hips. “Shake a leg, mister. You’re needed down in reception.”

Suzu blinks. “Wha?”

Yuzuri’s mouth purses, sour, accentuated by the vibrant blush of her lipstick. Most earthly creatures could only aspire to be in Haki Arluleon’s league, but the department’s secretary certainly comes closer than most. “Kihal Guerreiro is down there reenacting Sunrise Over Okinawa.”

Obi tilts his chair back, mind grinding through his memories like a freight train through a signal gate. “Isn’t that the one where the girl burns down--”

“Sure is.” She fixes Suzu with a glare. “And it’s your fault.”

Ah, the girl’s got spunk. No wonder Suzu’s so stuck on her.

The aforementioned adjunct gapes. “M-me? I’ve never met her in my life! I don’t know anyone famous!”

Yuzuri cocks her hip in a way that clearly says, yeah, pull the other one, too.

“Okay, well,” he hedges, “I did see Rita Hayworth having an ice cream once. But that’s it, I promise!”

“I don’t care if you saw Hedy Lemarr dancing naked on Rodeo,” she snaps. “That woman is down there kicking up a real fuss because of you.”

Suzu goes whiter than a sheet that’s shook hands with Clorox. “You haven’t-- you haven’t told Shidan, have you?”

She barks out a laugh. “I didn’t have to. She’s down there reading him the riot act as we speak.”

“Oh.” Obi’s seen poltergeists with more solidity than this post-doc. “Oh no.”

“So you better get down there lickity-split,” Yuzuri tells him, “or else I’ll tell her where you live.”

She turns on her heel, real neat, like some of the flyboys did in their birds, showing off that long seam up that back of her nylons before she slams the door behind her, hard enough to rattle a diploma off the wall.

“Oh hell,” Suzu breathes, hands digging runnels through his hair. “Oh hell, I’m in for it now.”

“You know,” Obi muses, gaze lingering on the door. “I like that dame.”

Suzu sighs. “You would.”

Reception’s never been a quiet place; the secretaries are always typing away like gunfire, writing up the department’s next magnum opus or fielding calls that have them cradling their receiver like another appendage, but today it’s certainly, well--

Louder.

“Listen here, Mister.” The words ring off the walls like an air raid siren, spoken from the diaphragm with true talent. “My friend has been calling your office for days, and she hasn’t heard from a single person who can give her an answer for this.”

Obi rounds the corner just in time to see Tinsel Town’s rising star shove a paper right into the professor’s chest, blue eyes blazing with a fire that would put Dresden to shame.

She’s dynamite up close; an Amazon straight off the isle with the stilettos she’s wearing, staring Shidan straight in the eye without having to crane her neck. Every inch of her is as dangerous as the femme fatales that have made her a household name, but still--

He’s hardly paying attention to her. Hard to, when her shadow’s got hair so red it practically blazes.

“My apologies, Miss Guerreiro,” Shidan soothes blandly, gaze hooded with the kind of weariness only a chair could muster. “I would normally be happy to answer any questions one of the public may ask, however--” his mouth pulls thin-- “I wasn’t even aware that one of my fellows had undertaken such an investigation.”

Suzu stiffens beside him, knuckles white where they grip the corner. “Well,” he breathes, backing away. “That’s my cue--”

“Why look.” Shidan’s gaze snaps over his shoulder, fixing Suzu as thoroughly as formaldehyde. “Here’s my fellow now. Suzu--” his teeth flash as quick as gun cotton-- “why don’t you come over here and explain yourself to this nice young woman.”

Suzu gulps, throat making a hollow thunk. “Ah...of course, Professor Weise.”

Obi’s not the kind of guy that leaves a man behind, but as Suzu shuffles his sad-sack self into the fray, he finds himself diverting from the flight plan, circling right around to where a high-necked blouse and Mary Jane bobs worriedly in Guerreiro’s wake.

“Well, well, well.” She jumps, turning those big eyes toward him, green as any of the arsenic bottles in the lab’s cabinet. “If its isn’t our winsome Wisteria heiress. Funny seeing you here.”

Her mouth pulls thin. “Oh. It’s you.”

“It’s me,” he agrees, slipping up beside her. She smells nice, something floral and vanilla that clings to her hair and makes him think of cookies at grandma’s. “I gotta say, Miss, for a humble war nurse, you sure got friends in some very high places.”

She huffs, arms crossing over her chest. “For your information, we met long before she got into show business.”

“That so?” he hums, hiking up a brow. “Now that you mention it, she was in one of Kain Wisteria’s flicks, wasn’t she? That one about the South Pacific.”

“She was in three,” the little miss corrects primly. “But the one you’re looking for is Sunrise Over Okinawa.”

He snaps his fingers. “Right, it came out just as I...”

She turns, all question.

“Ah, never mind,” he coughs. “Seems like Wisteria sure liked her work, if he kept using her like that.”

“Mm.” Her face crumples with the shadow of concern. “He did. He told her that with a little more work, she could be his muse.”

“Hah.” Obi lifts his hat, scratching at the back of his head. “That man liked his muses.”

Her knuckles blanch where they grasp her elbows. “He sure did at that.”

“You know, I’m surprised he didn’t try to put you in one of his flicks.” He grins down at her. “You might not be no Veronica Lake, but you got that Judy Garland look.”

Something happens to her face, so quick he can’t catch more than a ripple of it before it’s gone. She turns to him, shoving a paper into his hand.

“Here’s your report back,” she says, the words trembling. “You might want to be more careful where you leave these things.”

She glances at him, and he hears loud and clear: or who you leave them with.

“Right.” He glances down, catching the coroner’s letter head, stark and official under the university’s warm light. “Hey, ah, if you’re having trouble, I could get you in to see my friend.”

The girl whips back to him, wide-eyed, staring like maybe he’s missing a couple of sandwiches from his picnic basket. “I...appreciate the offer, detective.”

“Obi,” he offers, giddily.

“Obi.” Her mouth parts just slightly, uncertain. “But isn’t he right there? I could just ask him myself.”

“Well, sure,” he wheedles, “but that’s no guarantee he’ll talk to you. You know these egghead types. Insular.” He leans in, flashing a smile that could charm the hose off a Hepburn. “But me, I can put a good word in for you.”

She hums, hose still snug. “That so.”

“Sure thing.” He nods toward the charlie foxtrot happening hardly two yards from where they’re standing. “I could go up there right now and ask for you. I’m sure he’d be happy to do me the favor.”

“Of course he would,” she huffs. “He’s having a strip torn off him from both sides. Thank you very much, Mister...Obi, but I think I can wait.”

“Not at all.” He grins so wide the Cheshire Cat would go green with envy, and he’s rewarded with a look so wary that Wisteria’s pet cop would slap him in irons just to head him off. “Good thing for you, Miss, I don’t have any shame.”

She blink. “What? No, you can’t--”

He steps right up to the Western Front, marked by Guerreiro’s sharp elbow and says, “Hey, Suzu, this is the girl I was telling you about. Miss Nowakowski. She’s got some questions about that report you gave me.”

Suzu goggles at him. “Ah, sure, pal.” His mouth pulls into a rictus grin. “I’d--I’d love to meet her. Why don’t we all just go up to my office--”

“No need.” The red head shoulders through, nearly knocking him off his feet. She might be a tiny thing, but she stands shoulder to shoulder with the rest of them like she’d the tallest personality in the room. “I only came here to say that I’m giving permission to exhume the body.”

Shidan chokes. “I-- I’m sorry? I don’t think I heard that--?”

“I’ve already put in the request at the precinct,” she explains, shoulders square she she stares them all down. “But I want to come down here as request personally that you do the toxicology report, Mr Eason.”

“Oh, I-- I don’t-- I’m not--” Suzu pants, hand hooks in his sweater vest-- “I don’t have the authority for that, Miss.”

“But I do.” Shidan stares down at the lot of them, his mouth in a thin line. “I think we should be discussing this in my office. Come this way, Miss Nowakowski, Miss Guerreiro. It seems I’ve missed a few crucial conversations.”

[sonipanda]

Let’s add a pop of colour into the week with some neon pink fishnets! I know it isn’t Friday and I shouldn’t be rocking them this early, but I wanted to lift the mood slightly seeing as we have 3 more days to go!

This pair was kindly gifted by a good friend of mine, and if you didn’t know already this isn’t my 1st neon pair!

If you missed the previous reviews, then click the link below (opens in a new tab):

Tramps Hosiery Emily Maternity Tights

Tramps Hosiery Jocelynne Hip-Hugger Style Tights

Merry Style 40D Stockings

I also did YouTube Review a while back in some Unbranded Neon Fishnets which you can catch below too (opens in a new tab):

YouTube Channel – Soni Panda 120K Live Review in Indian Attire & Unbranded Fishnet Tights

The Spec

Colour: Neon Pink

Size: One Size

Denier: Unknown

Materials: 92% Polyamide-nylon, 8% Elastane

Price: £8.39

Website: Amazon – Leg Avenue, Women’s Fishnet Pantyhose

My Outfit

These are a little too loud for work, so I thought I would go casual with them. I decided to experiment with whites and denims. I normally don’t do denim jackets a lot, but I thought this worked pretty well! I added some silver small hoops to finish off the look. You can always add a mix of chokers and long silver necklaces to dress it up a little.

My Deets

T-Shirt Dress: Jennyfer

Jacket: Zara

Tights: Leg Avenue

Boots: Dr Marten Molly

    The Review

From The Website: Lycra fishnet pantyhose

Designed to accentuate the sexy silhouette of the female body for a Superb Fitting From the Edgy Bold & Risqué to The Soft Sensual and Elegant 92% Polyamide-nylon, 8% Elastane Hand Wash Only. Drip Dry. Do not bleach. Regular Fit 900322029 High Quality world renowned name in women’s sexy Hosiery

  The Packaging: if you haven’t come across Leg Avenue before, most of their pieces come in packaging like this. The front shows the model wearing the pair and the back goes into a little detail about them. You get to see the pair inside well through the packaging.

When you get in, you will find these with card inserted in one leg, and they are flat, so there is no foot leg shaping to them.

  Getting Them On: I did my scrunch and roll up the legs, taking care going over my anklets so they don’t catch on. These were super easy to slide up the legs as the netting is quite small.

  On The Legs: can I just say how bright this colour is! I didn’t know what to expect when I added them to my wishlist, but now as I see them in person they are so awesome! It’s not a glow in the dark pair unfortunately (now that would make an amazing review), but they are certainly head turners for sure. I’m glad I wore these with a casual outfit instead of something to the office!

The quality of these are really good considering they’re Leg Avenue. I say that as sometimes they can be quite cheap and not fit that well, but these really impress me. They are a nice thick net, and have a little amount of stretch to them. I expected more seeing as these are supposed to be a one size pair – but I’ve shown below how much they can stretch out to on the legs.

The fit of these were perfect for me, but I will say these are more like S-M rather than S-XL. I feel larger sized individuals would struggle, with the lack of stretch, to get these on and up the legs.

The feel of them do feel cheap let me say; they do feel rough and do irritate the skin a little. I wasn’t too bad in them as I creamed my legs, but if you were just to get them on and go I feel these would be a pain! In my opinion, if you layer them with a base pair, you should be fine. I sometimes do layer, but not when I’m reviewing the pair for the 1st time.

  The Toes & Ankle: well isn’t this pretty good for reinforced toes! I normally have an issue with reinforced toes like this on fishnets, but as I’m in boots I’m not too bothered about it as it gives me peace of mind that I don’t need to worry about my toes poking holes through. The reinforcement is a thick denier which covers the whole toe section (depending on how wide your feet are) and doesn’t leave any extra material on the sides.

Normally in fishnets, I wear them with heels so I can always keep an eye on any rips or holes being formed, but as I am in this pair, it works out for the best.

I had plenty of wiggle room in these for my toes to move about and not feel any pressure being added onto them.

The feet and ankles have a lovely fitted finish with no gapping around the ankles.

  The Waistband & Gusset: so I just want to point out that the band is pretty amazing on this pair. I sometimes find the band can be slightly big as they try to cater for larger sizes, but these sit so lovely on the waist. They hug well, hold up all day without any issues and sit around my belly button and don’t budge. I was nicely surprised by this.

There is no gusset to this pair which you will see if you scroll down; it’s just a seam that goes from the front to the back, so I would advise underwear with this pair, unless you are daring…

I’m not too sure if I would show off this band though; a lot of people do when they layer on top, but as the band is slightly wonky I don’t think I would.

  My Thoughts?

I was really impressed with this pair I have to say. I thought they wouldn’t fit well, but they did for sure and I love how vibrant they are on the legs. These would certainly be a good party pair or if you’re off to a carnival/festival for Summer. The quality is decent, they are nice and thick in denier and I would recommend for sure!

Leg Avenue Fishnet Pantyhose Let's add a pop of colour into the week with some neon pink fishnets! I know it isn't Friday and I shouldn't be rocking them this early, but I wanted to lift the mood slightly seeing as we have 3 more days to go!

[monstersandmaw]

Female orc x buff female reader (sfw, mostly)

Edit which I’m including in all my works after plagiarism and theft has taken place: I do not give my consent for my works to be used, copied, published, or posted anywhere. They are copyrighted and belong to me.

Anon suggested that there should be more buff/strong/muscular women readers, and I wholeheartedly agreed, and spent the rest of the day writing this story. It was posted on my Patreon on early release, and it’s time to put it up here now. If you want exclusive early access to all Tumblr stories (except paid commissions when they’re open), and a Patreon-only story once a month, then head on over to my page and subscribe if you can! There are monster aesthetics and polls to help me decide what to write next, as well as posts from my original fiction and little snippets that I’ve come up with along the way. 

Anyway, here’s a modern orc lady and a buff female reader.

___

All gyms are essentially the same, no matter whether it’s a 24hr one or an exclusive city gym full of Instagrammers and fitness bloggers.

There’s the row of treadmills, filled with people puffing and panting, some just starting their fitness journey while others have steel-hard thighs and calves already; there are the bikes with the people texting and barely pedalling to the would-be Tour de France-ers going at it hell for leather; there’s the stupidly good-looking trainer walking around doing fuck-all and fist-bumping the regulars; and the shy folk working up the courage to use a machine in the main area: it’s the familiarity from which you draw comfort, even in a new place.

You adjust your thick ponytail and crick the tension out of your neck. You’ve done your warm up, and you’re ready to go to the hallowed weights section, enshrined in a far corner.

And sure enough, there’s the usual minotaur showing off how much she can bench, and there’s the orc doing bicep curls with a dumbbell as big at each end as your head, but it’s home to you. It’s only as you step closer that you notice the most beautiful orc you’ve ever seen, doing squats with a barbell.

Her ass is so perfect it makes you want to cry. She’s wearing tiny compression shorts that show every muscle of her gleaming, emerald green thighs, and a crop top that reveals washboard abs that actually make you a little dizzy. Her thick, red-dyed dreds are tied back in a low ponytail and they clack and clink with beads and shells. When she carefully sets it down and straightens, she glances over her shoulder, apparently looking around for her water bottle.

It’s sitting at your feet beside the racks. She catches sight of it, her liquid, dark brown eye seeing it, and then her gaze rakes up your body in a way that’s so much more than simply ‘appreciative’. Her lips part softly but before you can watch any more of her reaction to your tall, lean, hard body, you grin, stoop down and pick up the bottle.

“This yours?”

She nods mutely, and you toss it at her. She catches it flawlessly and drinks deeply from it before looking you straight in the eye and grinning her thanks.

“You free?” you ask, and she frowns, curious. You laugh at the crinkle in her brow. “If you fancy it, would you mind spotting for me when you get a minute?”

She eyes your biceps in the sleeveless top you tend to favour for weights days. “You look like you’d last longer than a minute,” she mutters. Her voice – a rich, rasping alto – sends a rush of blood straight down between your legs. She sets her bottle down and juts her chin at the bench.

As you set the weight and settle onto it, you toss her a cheeky grin. “Oh I can go for hours.”

“Careful,” she smiles, hands hovering momentarily as you adjust your grip on the bar. “Don’t distract me too much. You need me to count for you?”

“Sure.”

By now your little encounter has attracted the attention of the big male orc and his buddy, a massive centaur with the body of a draft horse. Even the minotaur has stopped her routine for a moment. They’re watching with unveiled interest and curiosity as you begin, and you feel that familiar, gritty determination sink into your muscles, into your bones, suffusing your whole being with the fervour to push yourself to your limit and then half a step beyond.

Your orc’s sculpted eyebrows, both pierced, rise a little higher as you keep going, until finally you nod and she helps you guide it back onto the rest. You’re panting hard, lactic acid burning your shoulders, setting the sinews aflame, but she’s just standing there as you sit up, one hand on her hip, the other flicking her towel over her shoulder. “Damn,” she finally chuckles, clearly at a loss for something more eloquent.

“I’d love to see what you can lift,” you say as you lever yourself to your feet and stretch your shoulders and arms out.

“I could always bench press you,” she grins.

“I usually save the acrobatics for at least the second date,” you reply instantly, and laugh as her eyes go wide.

It’s odd to see a shy expression on such a tough beauty. “You… You want to?” she falters.

“What, have you bench press me, or go on a date?” you chuckle, heading to the water fountain to refill your bottle, not looking back at her.

You know the shorts your wearing look good on you. You know she’s looking at your shoulders and arm muscles. It’s also the first time she’s seen the slogan on the back of your shirt, and she snorts with laughter as she reads it.

It reads: worth the weight.

You fill up your bottle and then stoop somewhat provocatively over the fountain, comfortable with the way your body moves, with the looks your hard muscles garner. It’s not to everyone’s taste, but you’re proud of your hard work, and you know you look good. Wiping the sweat and water off your chin with the bottom of your loose tank, you reveal your stomach to her before letting it fall to cover you again. “Coz I’d be open to either, preferably the latter then the former, but whatever works for you.”

“You free after your session?” she asks as you nod. “I’m Lily, by the way.”

Somehow the name really suits her. You tell her your name, and she repeats it softly, grinning around her big tusks.

She hangs around in the gym longer while you finish up, and you head down to the changing rooms and showers together. She comes out of her cubicle a while later with her hair piled out of the way on top of her head, her back is still wet, and she’s utterly, unabashedly naked.

“Warn a girl,” you mutter as you step out into the air-conditioned room, your own towel wrapped around under your armpits still.

She has the physique of an Amazon, and the gentlest looking hands. She turns over her shoulder and flashes you a grin. She’s got two dimples at the base of her spine and the curve of her ass was just so perfect you wanted to lay your hand on it. You can just see her rounded breast and dark nipple, pebbled against the chill of the room.

“Where’s the fun in that?” Lily replies with a grin. “You got me off-guard upstairs. It’s only fair I try to return the favour…”

She reminds you of the best kind of sparring partner and you grin openly at her. “I like you,” is all you have to say.

Your lockers are on opposite sides of the changing room, and when you’re done, you turn to find her sitting cross-legged on the bench in the middle of the room, watching you. She’s wearing a loose-fitting tank top, small, denim shorts, and baby-pink Converses. You’re surprised by the amount of jewellery on, particularly rings on her hands. It’s not overdone, but you’d not imagined she would be a jewellery type. Despite the rock solid muscles in her arms and thighs, her style suits her perfectly, just like her name.

She walks with you out of the gym, asking you about where you live and what you do. You tell her that you recently moved to the area for a new and better job, and she smiles. Lily works at the university, and rolls her eyes at your ‘brains and brawn’ comment. “You must get that a lot, I’m sorry,” you say, blushing.

“Coming from you?” she chuckles, shooting a sideways glance that rakes up your body again in a way that makes you shiver and your mouth go dry. “Come on, there’s this great ice cream place just round the corner from here. You’re gonna love it, and you earned it today!”

“You bet I did!” you laugh.

You both end up having chocolate and sitting on a park bench to enjoy it.

As you finish yours, you look up and see her watching you. Her tongue flits to the corner of her mouth, just catching her tusk.

“What, did I miss a bit?” you ask playfully.

“Yeah,” she says, eyes locked on your lips.

You smile and tilt your head in clear, if not overly-ostentatious invitation.

Her big, gentle hands come down on either side of your jaw and she leans down, kissing you so tenderly it’s almost hesitant.

“You’re not going to break me,” you whisper, and she inhales deeply.

“You want to come back to mine?” she asks, voice thick and rasping.

You nod. “Sure.”

Grinning, she stands, her denim shorts showing her legs off to incredible advantage, and she takes your hand and leads you back to her apartment.

___________________________

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[igkartikey]

Best Stretch Mark Removal Creams in Australia

Things being what they are, you have stretch imprints, huh? You're in good company! Or then again maybe you're pregnant and need to advance beyond the game with a decent midsection spread before stretch imprints show up. While there's nothing amiss with having stretch imprints, numerous ladies feel reluctant about these lines. They're are normal around the mid-region, hips, bosoms, posterior, and thigh region. They're generally brought about by weight gain or pregnancy. In case you're not in adoration with your stretch imprints, stretch imprint evacuation creams and 'stomach margarines' merit an attempt to limit their appearance.

Note that while creams will not oust stretch checks totally, numerous ladies depend on them and their adequacy. On the off chance that we needed to pick one to attempt first, we'd suggest the Mederma Stretch Marks Therapy – it has numerous fans, is dermatologist prescribed and is clinically displayed to give brings about a month! Peruse on for the full gathering of probably the best stretch marks Removal Creams in Australia listed Below

1. Mederma Stretch Marks Therapy

Mederma Stretch Marks Therapy is a forte cream that forestalls stretch stamps by boosting skin versatility. It's especially helpful for pregnancy stretch imprints. Kneading this thick cream into your skin can assist with lessening the odds of stretch imprints happening. It can even assist with lighting up current stamps and scars.

Mederma is one of only a handful few organizations that show incredible trust in the adequacy of their item. Mederma Stretch Marks Therapy is dermatologist suggested and they express that it is clinically displayed to deliver results inside about a month. The bundling even gladly states "Ensured Results or your cash back."

So how can it function?

Mederma Stretch Marks Therapy expands skin flexibility by boosting dampness levels. This aides make the skin more flexible and tough. It additionally decreases the shots at tearing the dermis.

The item has blended audits from clients. Some case that the item works like a fantasy even on scars that are a couple of years old. The way to extraordinary outcomes with Mederma Stretch Marks Therapy is by all accounts predictable and rehashed use. The negative client surveys propose that the cream is generally costly and has a scent. A few clients grumbled of not getting results right away.

The cream doesn't have any clear incidental effects, yet it contains scent in the fixings that can cause skin bothering in certain individuals. Mederma Stretch Marks Therapy appears to assist with lessening the presence of stretch stamps and is alright for pregnant and nursing ladies.

2. Burt's Bees Mama Bee Belly Butter

Normal and Fragrance FreeBurt's Bees Mama Bee Belly Butter

Burt's Bees Mama Bee Belly Butter

A mix of cocoa, shea and jojoba spreads that can be utilized prior and then afterward pregnancy.

As Burt The Beekeeper – organizer of Burt's Bees – says "nature has the most intelligent answers" and Burt's Bees Mama Bee Belly Butter is the solution for your midsection knock! Made out of 99% regular fixings, this margarine offers a rich mix of spreads and oils to keep your extending skin damp, diminishing the danger of stretch imprints. The Burt's Bees Mama Bee Belly Butter is likewise an extraordinary non-fragrant alternative for the individuals who, out of the blue, may not endure the aroma of different brands.

How can it function?

Burt's Bees Mama Bee Belly Butter principle fixings incorporate Shea, Cocoa and Jojoba Butters and Vitamin E. The lavishly smooth recipe keeps your skin flexible and soggy during pregnancy and during the post pregnancy time frame when your tummy is returning to "typical".

3. Gaia Skin+Body Belly Butter

Australian MadeGaia Belly Butter

Gaia Belly Butter

A mix of cocoa, shea and jojoba spreads that can be utilized previously, then after the fact pregnancy.

At MumsDelivery, we are enormous enthusiasts of supporting Australian organizations, particularly those began by Australian mums quick to foster incredible quality items for the entire family. The Gaia Belly Butter is no exemption as it was created by Michelle Vogrinec – Gaia's originator – during her third pregnancy. It unquestionably stays aware of Gaia's quality guidelines and is produced using regular fixings. The Gaia Belly Butter is a rich and profoundly saturating cream that won't leave your skin feeling oily for the remainder of the day. It is additionally suggested for bosoms and thighs.

How can it function?

The Gaia Belly Butter contains raw grain oil, natural shea spread, unadulterated cocoa margarine, natural aloe vera leaf separate, regular nutrient E and very fragrant fundamental oils. The dynamic fixings will renew your skin's dampness and will assist with keeping up with its gracefulness and diminish the danger of stretch imprints.

4. StriVectin SD Intensive Concentrate For Stretch Marks

Advance Elastin and Collagen ProductionStriVectin SD Advanced Intensive Concentrate for Wrinkles and Stretch Marks

StriVectin SD Advanced Intensive Concentrate for Wrinkles and Stretch Marks

A designated, progressed and serious treatent for the two wrinkles and stretch imprints.

Maybe than a deterrent item to be utilized in pregnancy, the StriVectin SD Intensive Concentrate For Wrinkles and Stretch Marks is likewise for those with prior stretch imprints searching for a decrease. It is additionally an enemy of wrinkle cream. The StriVectin SD Intensive Concentrate isn't a spending item, however on the off chance that you check the surveys on Amazon and additionally other online retailers, you can see that a ton individuals concur this is an incredible and successful cream.

How can it function?

The StriVectin SD Intensive Concentrate For Stretch Marks contains Collagex-CE Wrinkle Repair Complex which advances elastin and collagen creation. This amazing equation altogether diminishes the number, length, and profundity of lines and stamps, causing the skin to seem smooth, flexible and better.

5. Body Merry Stretch Marks and Scars Defense Cream

With 90 Day GuaranteeBody Merry Stretch Marks and Scars

Body Merry Stretch Marks and Scars

Loaded with normal and natural fixings like cocoa and shea spreads, nutrients, oils and concentrates.

The Body Merry Cream is an amazingly mainstream lotion made with regular fixings. The cream is made by a US-based organization called Body Merry LLC. It is extraordinarily defined to hydrate and ensure the skin and smooth scar tissue. It can help blur or decrease stretch imprints brought about by pregnancy, weight lifting, and development sprays. It additionally works for consumes. Peruse a few audits on Amazon and see there are many ladies who depend on it!

So how can it function?

Body Merry Stretch Marks and Scars Defense Cream contains cocoa spread, shea margarine, and nutrients. These fixings help to build the versatility of your skin. Therefore, scars and stretch imprints disappear.

Each day and night, knead the cream into the influenced region until completely retained. Ensure your skin is totally dry prior to applying. Results will shift from one individual to another. Most clients report seeing an improvement following 6 to about two months of steady use.

[shelfnovel12-blog]

Maple Angel Food Cake: A Study in Sweet Simplicity

[Photographs: Vicky Wasik]

More

Eggs

Buying tips, techniques, and recipes, no matter how you like them.

For the avid baker, spare egg whites are a way of life. After making batches of yolky banana pudding, ice cream, chocolate custard pie, and French buttercream, those leftover egg whites can really start to pile up.

When my stash hits critical mass, I know it's time for angel food cake. It's the perfect antidote to all the richness that came before, a dessert that's airy, light, and lean, but flavorful enough to stand on its own, whether served naked or with fresh fruit, a dollop of whipped cream, or a drizzle of ganache.

My favorite thing about angel food cake is how easily it can be customized by trading plain white sugar for more flavorful options. In this case, I'm matching the winter weather with a dose of maple sugar.

It's a beguilingly simple swap, but one that's transformative for a dessert as simple as angel food cake (a combination of egg whites, sugar, cake flour, and little else).

If you haven't played with it before, maple sugar comes from cooking maple syrup to drive off all the water, which yields a crystalized sugar. It's mostly sucrose, but with a solid percentage of fructose and glucose, which means it behaves more like brown sugar than white. Not every recipe will handle the swap with ease, but angel food cake is resilient like that.

Tiny, souvenir-sized bags of maple sugar often have an eye-popping price tag, but the cost comes down considerably in the bulk foods aisle of a major supermarket, or when buying larger quantities online.

I went all-in with a five-pound bag, but there's no shame in testing the waters with a more reasonably sized 25-ounce package instead.

I've already covered the science and technique behind angel food cake for Serious Eats but, in short, the trick is to create a relatively dense and soft but stable meringue rather than one that's light and stiff but fragile.

Not only does this approach reduce the risk of angel food cake collapsing in the oven, it simplifies the actual work of making the cake. Instead of carefully adding the sugar bit by bit as the egg whites whip, the two are combined all at once and then whipped together.

With maple sugar, that makes for a meringue that starts out surprisingly dark, but it'll lighten substantially as it whips.

The goal of this approach is to avoid overtaxing the egg whites through overbeating, so it's important to stop whipping while the meringue is still runny rather than stiff.

When the whisk is lifted from the bowl, the meringue will run right off the wires rather than form a clump inside.

That meringue may pile up on itself briefly when it falls back into the bowl, but this little mound will be re-absorbed in a few moments. So forget the usual visuals of stiff peaks and fluffy piles of meringue, this style will be runny and soft!

Once the meringue is softly whipped, it's folded with bleached cake flour; my personal fave is Swans Down, but Softasilk works well, too. What's important is to avoid unbleached styles*.

That may not be a hip recommendation in today's organic-obsessed marketplace, but the science is sound: chlorinated cake flours have starch and protein behaviors unlike any other flour on the market, making them uniquely suited to angel food cake.

For more information on the hows and whys, see our guide to bleached vs. unbleached cake flour in angel food cake. It includes side by side shots of how these flours affect the structure, rise, and crumb of angel food cake.

* If bleached cake flour can't be found, try the flour blend from my gluten-free angel food cake instead.

Fold in the bleached cake flour (or my gluten-free blend) with a flexible spatula, making sure to cut down the middle of the bowl from time to time to break up any pockets of flour. Once the batter is well mixed, scrape it into a 10-inch aluminum tube pan.

This type of pan is an absolute must for angel food cake. The natural aluminum finish is essential for the cake's success in rising and cooling, as a slippery, non-stick surface will impede its rise and cause the cake to fall flat when it's cooled.

That's because angel food cake needs to be cooled upside down, otherwise the warm and fragile cake will collapse on itself as it cools. To that end, proper angel food cake pans have stilts for this very purpose.

Once cool, the sides of the cake can be loosened from the pan with an offset spatula, allowing the cake to be plucked from the pan by the center tube.

The bottom of the cake can then be loosened from the pan with an offset spatula, and inverted onto a cake stand or platter (it will slide right off the tube without any fuss).

Serving the cake upside down gives the top a nice, flat surface to showcase fun toppings like fresh fruit and whipped cream, or for a simple glaze.

If serving the cake plain, or with those toppings on the side, the cake can be re-inverted to show off its crackling crown.

For those of us who love angel food cake, the delicate maple flavor of this variation makes it worth savoring all on its own, but for those less enamored with the style, that drizzle of dark chocolate ganache will nicely offset the cake's sweetness.

Or play around—the breakfasty vibe of maple pairs nicely with the tangy flavor of other morning classics like citrus and yogurt, as well as bitter elements like coffee and black tea. However it's served, this angel food cake is a fun excuse to explore new ingredients and the lighter side of dessert.

This post may contain links to Amazon or other partners; your purchases via these links can benefit Serious Eats. Read more about our affiliate linking policy.

Source: https://www.seriouseats.com/2019/01/how-to-make-maple-angel-food-cake.html

[abutterflyobsession]

Things You Said Too Quietly

@ankewehner prompted this for Kinda Subtle (aka Stuff and Thang). It ended up being in Art School AU and they are therefore named Steph and Thane.

Thank you for this prompt, I’ve never really written these two and I had a lot of fun!

“Thane!”

Thane shook his head, thinking he might have heard something. It was probably Bog and he had probably been calling for awhile now. Thane wondered if he pretended to be oblivious and just continued working Bog would give up. With unsteady fingers, Thane lined up another nail to hammer into the wall frame he was working on.

A large hand in a heavy work-glove landed on his shoulder, making him flinch.

“Oh, hi, Steph,” Thane said, breaking into a grin in his relief that it wasn't Bog behind him, “W-what's up?”

Steph said something that Thane didn't catch but it was easy to tell from her expression that she was impatient and irritated. Thane pushed up his glasses and focused in the faint grumble of Steph's voice, blocking out the racket of construction around him.

“--wrong wall.”

“Long fall? Long fall from where?”

“Wrong wall. You're working on the wrong wall.”

“I am?” Thane looked around in surprise. He had been sure Bog had said this wall.

“We've got to finish the frame on the other side before we can put this one in place. Weren't you listening this morning?”

“I . . . yes? Sorry?” Thane shoved his hardhat back when it slipped forward, “I was listening. Very hard.”

“Yeah, but how much did you hear?” Steph asked, hands on her wide hips.

“ . . . a bit?”

“A bit,” Steph said flatly. She turned away, saying something else that Thane couldn't catch.

“What?” he asked, coming around so he could see her face. It wasn't that he could lip-read, exactly, but seeing people's faces when they were talking helped give some context.

“Nothing,” Steph shook her head, “just do what you were doing, but do it on that wall.”

“Okay. Sorry.”

Thane scurried over to where he had been directed, shrinking his small frame a little lower to avoid the dark looks Bog was casting at him. Steph followed behind, handing Thane the hammer he had left by the wrong wall in his hurry to correct himself.

Steph's cool competence was something Thane both admired and envied. Nothing rattled her. Not even Bog, most of the time. She did her work well and quickly without having to be told twice and could lift massive piles of construction materials on her broad shoulders like it was nothing. She could probably kill someone with her bare hands without ever breaking out of her deadpan expression.

Thane sighed wistfully. She was so gorgeous.

“Why haven't you gotten your hearing aides yet?” Steph asked that evening at the bar.

Most of the construction crew came here at the end of the day to grab a beer and watch whatever game happened to be on. Steph had a beer. Thane had a drink that he could never remember the name of but it had a little umbrella stuck in it so it looked sort of tropical. Steph always ordered it for him because whenever Thane talked to the bartender everyone got frustrated.

“I'm still talking with the insurance company about the hearing aides. They're expensive and they don't want to cover it unless I really need them.”

“Well, if they talked to you they should know you need them.”

“Yeah,” Thane said with a weak laugh, “sorry.”

“Not your fault,” Steph rumbled.

Thane tried not to sigh. Steph had such a beautiful, deep voice. Apparently it was a common trait among the women of her family, enhanced in Steph's case by years of smoking. She had quit that a few years back because Bog didn't allow cigarettes on site and it was just too much bother to dodge across the street all the time just to get a nicotine fix.

Steph said something else.

“What? Deer fruit?”

“Nothing.”

Steph waved a large hand. A couple of bangles on her wrist gleamed in the dim light. Once the work day was over she'd put a couple of flower clips in her hair and don a few odds and ends of jewelry. Then a touch of green eyeshadow and a light coat of golden sparkles on her dark face. She had referred to this on occasion as, “the lingering effects of culturally enforced gender roles.”

Thane thought she looked nice.

“Talk to Bog,” Steph said, returning to the topic of Thane's hearing aides, “He'll help you wrangle with the insurance people.”

Thane slid a few inches down in his chair, “He doesn't like me.”

“Yes, he does.”

“What, really?” Thane scooted back up.

“Everybody likes you. They think you're . . . that you're . . .”

Thane squinted, trying to see Steph's face, but the light was behind her, “Mute?” he guessed, “Loot?”

“They like you,” Steph said firmly.

“I'm annoying,” Thane said, picking at the pattern of his yellow knit vest. He liked to dress up nice, but he was never sure he got it right. Most people seemed to think his yellow vests were funny and that his thick-framed glasses make him even more goggle-eyed.

Steph always said he looked okay, though.

“Nah, you're . . .”

“Feet? Did you say feet? Do I smell like feet? I changed my shirt and socks and everything after work, why would I--”

“You smell fine. C'mon, let's pay the tab and split.”

Steph and Thane lived in the same apartment building so she always gave him a ride back.

Thane had a car but driving made him nervous. They had first gotten to know each other after Thane got into a small fender bender on the way to work and Bog sent Steph to pick him up. She found him having a low key meltdown and profusely and repeatedly apologizing to everyone involved. Steph had proceeded to stick him in the back of her car, take his insurance papers out of his hand, and give him a package of twinkies. Somehow she sorted everything out  and they were on their way to the site not even ten minutes after Steph had arrived at the accident.

After that they always carpooled. Neither of them suggested it, Steph just knocked on his apartment door one morning and said they were taking her car. And that was that.

Thane had found himself instantly smitten with this efficient amazon and often found himself feeling glum because she was so far out of his league. He was sure she must think he was kind of a loser, and probably thought his skinny frame laughable. He was stronger than he looked, but that didn't seem to matter to anyone. All they saw was a nervous little man with goggle eyes.

Going about his usual nightly routines, Thane thought about talking to Bog about the whole insurance business. Steph seemed to think it was a good idea. But, Thane thought as he sprinkled food into his goldfish's tank, Steph was Steph. She wasn't afraid of anything.

The goldfish—Phil—gulped down his dinner with gusto. He had originally belonged to Steph, until Thane had visited her apartment and flipped out. Thane still winced at the memory. But she had been keeping Phil in a bowl. No room, no filter, nothing. He had confiscated the mistreated fish and stormed off back to his apartment in a huff.

He had spent the night clutching the fish bowl and freaking out over shouting at Steph, the beautiful, super-smart, super-cool Steph. After that she definitely thought he was a weirdo. And a fish kidnapper. But the next morning Steph had knocked on the door to take him to work. Once they got into the car she said in her usual gruff voice, “I didn't know you shouldn't keep goldfish in bowls. What should I get to put him in?”

Thane was pretty sure that was the moment he fell completely in love with her.

Thane had an old tank in storage and they set it up in his apartment and decided on joint custody of Phil, who had since grown to be two inches longer in the space of his new home.

“What do you think, Phil? Should I call Bog for help?”

Phil mouthed soundlessly at Thane.

“That's what everybody says.”

A couple of weeks later Thane dashed down to Steph's apartment, tripping on the stairs and nearly tumbling down them head-first.

“Steph, Steph, it came, it came!”

“What came?” Steph asked, filling the open door with her large body. Her hair was frizzy like she had just gotten out of bed.

Thane shrank down a few inches, “Were you asleep?”

“Don't feel well. Got a cold.”

“Oh, um, I just . . . I ordered a DVD of Trolls and it finally came today. I thought you would watch it with me, but . . . sorry.”

“Is that ice-cream?”

“Yeah. Pistachio.”

“I will watch anything if you bring that ice-cream in here.”

“Okay!” Thane bounced into the apartment, heading for the DVD player.

Behind him, Steph shut the door and let out a raspy little sigh, “This is exactly why I love you, you adorable idiot.”

Thane froze, the DVD case falling out of his hand.

He had . . . no, that had definitely not . . . he had misheard again . . . but . . .

Very slowly, Thane turned around to face Steph. She looked at his shocked face with confusion.

“What, is it the wrong movie?”

“I—I also came today to tell you that—that I talked to Bog like you said and I got . . .” Thane swallowed hard, trying to get his voice to come out stronger than a pained whisper, “I got my hearing aides today.”

There was a subtle play of expressions on Steph's face. There was the beginning of a pleased smile which was cut off by a look of confusion before a look of shock swept everything else away.

“You heard me.”

“Yes.”

“That—that's great.”

“Y-yeah, I spent all morning listening to birds . . .”

“That is . . .” Steph covered her mouth with one hand, but Thane could still hear her, “. . . adorable.”

A electric shock tingled down Thane's spine as a rare moment of clarity lit up his brain, “Fruit! Deer fruit! You were saying—did you say—you're cute?”

A long pause.

“Yes.”

“Do you . . .” Thane was hugging the carton of ice-cream and the frost on the outside was melting and making his shirt damp, “I mean, I've always . . . you're so . . . awesome. You think I'm cute?”

“You are so flipping adorable I can't stand it.”

“You like me?”

Steph put her fists on her hips and look off to the side, “Yeah.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Me?”

“Yeah. Is that so weird? You're just so sweet and happy all the time . . .”

“But I'm so dumb. And my eyes are all bugged and I'm annoying and I never do anything right and--”

Steph walked over to him and took the carton of ice-cream out of his arms. The sides of it were cracked and smears of green ice-cream were leaking out. She set it on the coffee table and then wrapped Thane in a hug.

“It's okay, stop freaking out.”

“But, but--”

“Calm down, okay?”

Thane found himself exactly where he had wanted to be since he had met Steph. And it was as nice as he had imagined. She was very strong, but also soft and warm.

“You smell real good,” he sighed.

“Thanks,” Steph patted his head, “So . . . do you like me?”

“Of course!”

“Okay, good. I had to check.”

Steph bent down to kiss him and Thane saw stars.

[c64]

The Ultimate C64 Games List Have you ever wondered about the amazing Commodore 64 game list? Yes, we have too - there were loads of them. Problem is that is was a while ago now. This list was compiled to jog the memories:

Operation Wolf

roger frames buys budjiit games

fox fightsback

ace & ace II combo

bubble bobble

tantric mouse wars

home office

salsa con artist

commando ninjas

world flee

blood sparse

ruby of thermogington

jettison railway

ice band

spiderman vs magoo

caravan madness

hulk vs hogan

hunk attack

jet set billy

monkey tennis

score me

addis abbaba karate international +

balloon wars

cloud paste

live at budokan

boris yeltsin vodka challenge

banjo time constructor

emelyn hughes ‘super’ soccer

opium fright

shoot em up penelope

lagoon of carabon harbungo

open heart burglary

frost bandage

diamonds are for women

car spike wheel burst adventure

crazy communists

square man runs up ladder III

treasure island kittens

barrell falls down IV

spoke damage

princess kidnapped 8

undercarriage catastrophe

reminder PRO

Jazz North

Pub Golf

Avalon - Land of the Rust

SimPub

Pregnant Gymnastics

Womb Cook-up

Animal Olympics

NASA Pinball Fantasy

Jed saves christmas

Horace goes Knifing

Time Orifice

Axe-wielding Comedians

Karate Blister

Ornament Erector

Building Smoke Out

Q Bert the Revenge

Trellis Abundance

Titchmarsh v Oddie - Greenkeeper Challenge 88

Co-op Warriors

Sand Veterans

Grass feathers

Morose Wind

Scube Whackey

Escape from Liverpool

Puppy Smoker The Outburst

Roll yer Own Challenge

Hackney Masterblaster

Connect One

Purple Chins

Cotton Developer

Haircut Zest Fair

Trophy Masser

Race Kings Alive

Hazel Irvine’s Whirlwind Badminton

Jazz Rasta VI

Jensen Buttons Nipple Dash

Maze Bomber 909

Speed Chess

Curling Avenger

Rope Twisting Example

Scourge of Daxus

Roy Castle’s Record Breakers

Organ Flexology

Cliff Richard’s Ambiguous Soccer

Revenge of the Feminists

Wax cluedo

Tennis Trumpeteer II

Maximise the Point

Sheep Monopoly

Weight Gain Olympics

Travel Guise

Roger Mellie’s Ice Darts

The Legend of Les Dawson

Blanket Snitch

Tales of the Underformed

Grave Digger 6

Onion Pro 2

Moon Ship

Turbo Trousers

Turbo Walking

Welcome back to the Island of Penny Farthing

Breathing Challenge

Run for President [Ukraine Edition]

F1 Parcel

Awning Inventor

Cello Beat

Super Accelerator Fridge

Crazy Ambulance

Burst Kidney Mopup

Save China

Chemistry Ninja Teacher

Boat Painter Design

Dogs of Fury

Furry Dog*

Beyond the Forbidden Biscuit

The Handlebars of Hashani

Bird Mother

Audio Frenzy Piano Lessons

Short’s Lair

Chun King Farm Life

Jimmy White Teaches Typing

Cif Blaster

Defenders of the Fish

Sandal Behaviour

Alien Food

Thatcher goes to School

Bob Dillons Boxing Farce

Gorbachev plays Chicken

Wayne Gretsky’s Ice Wallet Charity Challenge

Armalyte III - Springburn

Popcorn Death

Vast Salt EU

Virtual Drudgery

Chain of Accordions

Runner Cities

Yellow Bist

Lost Sandals

Train Slow

Sherlock Holmes in The Year 2047

Lost and Profound: Darkness Shop

Dust Police

Borrowed Money

Internet Maze

Slipstream Cowboys

Guns of Dryness

Alpha Scabs

Crusty The Friendly Chimp

Rice Inflator (Super Pack)

Archie McPherson’s Weetabix Head

Denis Law’s Accent Challenge

Dougie Donnelly Dune of Hair

Graeme Souness Must Be Barking

Boon - The Game

Taggart Teens

Emmerdale Goes to Pitlochry

Coping with Eastenders for the under 5’s

Death in the Family Joke

Coloured Fights

Outdoor Darts

Wrist Truffle

White Water Snooker

Sea Quest Powder Seeker

Copious Spandex Run

Mr Motivators’ Taxi Challenge

Breakup

Flapjack

David Dimbleby's Amazon Adventure 12

Frost on Sunday

TV:AM The Early Years

Moira Stuart’s Music Creator

Upside Down Ice Cream Revolt

Vat of Galt Toys

Fist of Fireflies

Tunnel Browner

Stocking Ladder Bless

Lingerie Tycoon

Up & Down with Freddy Mercury

Guitar Slayer

Drum Shake Friends

Wacky Traffic Lights

Oreo Frisbee Games

Hedgehog Relax

Roofer

SimWoman

Bent Angler

Super Horses

Fishing for Tims

Ketamine Kraziness

Shout Appeal

Daz Crime Alert

Tension Ramble

Monitor Crossbones

Stookey Chase

Cardinal Hippos

Marigold Mincers IV

Shane Ritchie’s Up For Everest

War Kind

Question Slime

Bishop Sailor

Grudge Chess

Shoplifter 6

Bed trapper

Saloon Swingers 5

Yells of Tallmouth

Athletic Trombones

Wheel Smicer

Trends of Fashion-hope

Wacky Prostate

Bag A Cow

Pronunciation Fun

with Jackie bird

Landlord Dodge

Stuart Tipney’s Bread Throw Out

Date Checker

Gary Glitter’s Subliminal Message

Frozen Bibs of Babylon

Bricklaying Challenge

Wall Tidy

Reverse a Unicycle

SimCleaner

Pick Pocket Champion 1983

Glorified Yungs

Hungry Hungry Hernias

Marble vest

Ship To Shore

What’s My Rake

View My Braces

Burp: Deluxes

Romeo and Juliet Bravo

North vs South 2 : west vs East

Corner of Flatland

Spherical Eye Bless

Under the Oceans of Armpit Forest

Outrun Birmingham (Spaghetti Junction Edition)

Sweat like a bahookey

SimBarber

Developer Roundabout: Salt Lake Boredom Factor

Wig Breathe

Telecoms Tycoon

SimBeggar

Window Sparkler

Martian Crotchet

Bin Race: Baghdad to Bucks

Limpet Picker 4

Bout of Gout

Fist of Starfish Cave

Revenge of The Ponchoed Ponces

Peruvian Mountain Rally

Pyramid Scheme

Wheelchair Rollers

Disabled Relay

Plastic Bellamy

Escape From The Care Home

Quest Far There

Sigmund Freud’s Phallic Challenge

Location Location Location

Tombola

Pharmaceutical Births

Fun Run

Telethon

The Shat Cat Strikes Back

Poo Displease

Oxymoron - School Clown Dress

Nuns on The Run

Rub a Dug

SimWork

Girl Demander

Tiny Fire Use

Spell Cracker

VirtuaBus

Horse and Cabbage

Hippyhunt

Bug Wrestler

Elmer Fudd’s Bugle Fun

Sesame Street for Mute

Vaccine Madness

Sing-a-long-outhouse

Virgin Wedding

Carry Me Right

Existential Spam

Professor Caressor

Blind Spot

Dowary 4

Backwards Todel

SimFolkSinger

Austrian Summer Fun

Think Game

SimShirt

Mum’s Gone To Iceland

SimShoes

Dad Ravage

VirtuaBurp

Record Deal Blunderer

Vinyl Earth

Pork Love

Candid Carrots

Testament of God

Jasper Carrot’s Comedy Puke

Slug Slugger

fISHMONGER 8

Javelin Jackson

Action Babes 7

Deniable Door Whizz

What’s My Remainder

Shave Me Doris

Ferrari Shaving Adventure

SuperToboggan

Fire Ski

Trowel Turmoil

Soap Detector

SimPigeon

Permit Chief

VirtuaCurtain

Wander Beyonder - Galaxy of Hands

Foot Small

Failed Janine Nurse Player

Bonnie Langford’s Dive of DEath

Cheesy Cheeks 9

Teryaki Throw Throw

Organised Library

Chrome Crunch

Defeat The Dragon XII

Sleeve Beast

Snorkel of Skeleton Mask

Bilge Crusader

Derivative Nonsense

Chip Shop Challenge

Fallopian Tube Gatherer

Short Sharp Shock

Public Pool 2

The Remorse of King Tooth Prize

Mobile Shop Catch

Dentist Revival

Pizzaboy

Return of the Shoulder

Attack of the Maharajah

Farm Variety

Ring Sting VI

Pokey Barracus O

Pyromania [Schools Edition]

Canteen Calamity

Scratch My Scurvy

A Team of Guys

Commercial Insertion

Alien Bold

Walk to Run

Talk Show Live

Wacaday

Tickle Me Hazel

Get to Doctor Green Helmet Arrival

Kirsty Gallacher’s Pony Tail

Bube Tube

Stu’s News

Finger By Jove

SPinach Wars

TrolleyDash IV

Coco Bianco

Can Lift Channel 4: The Game

Spider and Kite

Really Big, Really Small Advent of Tetrapak

Drainblock: Plumber Hero Chronicles

Clammy Elbow

Rinse, Spin and Wash-o-matic

Virtual Carving

Aqua Fridge 4

Milk Charge: None Today Edition

Dose of Lactose

Fruit for Fuel

SEGA Gums

World Cup Baking

Trauma Recentness

Void of Linda

Calculate My Room

Slow Slow Slow, Now Fast

Myrtle’s Spongy Threat

Round the Town: Hull

KLIX Vending Machine Panic

Suitable Suit

Trinidad vs Tobago

Coma Dream Alert

Lose Your Tail

Sudden Trump

Castle of Rugs

Dreadful Quincy

Murder You Write

Salt n Pepa: My First Lyrics

Ferry to the Island of Bins

Up to Maximum

Thanks Goth: Black It Out Decision for Survival

Thorax and King: Temple of 10 Thumbs

Shave or Swim

Spar - Double Time Price Wars

Wooden Office

Windbush: the Quest for Haribo

Thing Commander

Gusset Sweeper II

Military Cocktails: An Interactive Guide

Spillers Winalot

Gus Hiddink: Ladies-Man

Spinal Injury 4

Dungrudder

Dungrudder II

Alan Titchmarsh’s International Samba Karaoke

Gluehead 2 - Back to the Bag

Dogwrestler

Virtual Biscuit Pro Edition

Future Boots

Horace gets an enema

Goth v Ned - The Reckoning

Roy Hudd’s hut folding 3

fondant wheelbarrow challenge

squat thrusting in high denmark with Mr. T

git that skateboard oot ma bed

2 fast and furious - the angry diet

skeptics ranch 4

whippet trigger

cod’s extreme bass fishing

Meatloaf’s leotard attack

smashing gantry with len ganley

cornish nuisance III

janitor pleaser

janitor pleaser II

janitor pleaser III

interactive janitor pleaser 3D

sing-a-long-a-jim-diamond

belgian ring stretch 4

heather mills dance off

sulk or bulk

extreme rabbit riding 9

tony roper’s pope trophy

ship shape and bristol fashion (twin pack)

dan hipgrave’s hip grave

catarrh hero 2

Joseph Holt’s cow safari

barking cats 3

Debbie Gebbie

Rally through Tesco

Piano Catcher

Harold Bishop’s Hutch Touching Compendium

Cardboard Harbour

Guess What’s in the Baxterbox

Extreme Welsh Dentistry

10 Disciples Tickly Bits [denmark edition]

Zebra Dancing 2

Tractor Painting 3

Cindy Crawford’s Virtual Cooperage Pro

Anderson Shelter Designer International

Ambulance Neglecting

Pigeon Surprise!

Chilly B’s Cartography Masterclass

Paralympic Legends 1985

Angry Sue’s Penthouse Disaster

SimFlorist

Amazing Mace

Grimsby Love-In

Trilby Mechanic

Karl Lewis’s 6 Meter Dash Pro

Smoker 8

Collateral Ramage

Horse Drawn Prawn

Firebomb Kirkcudbright

Space Huff

Star Wars: Jedi High Street

Ooft Ooft 2

Flyhunter

Nadeem the Hamster

Bucky Bash II

Schnitzel Wars

Derrick Organ’s Calamity Chinfest

Malky Malky II: The Chib

Venison Crayola

Peter Shilton’s Saucey Canary

French Letter of the Law

Penguin Squeezing

Sodastream Challenge

Arthur C Clarke’s Mysteries of Dunfermline

Skin Complaint 2

Felicity Kendal’s Migratory Kennel

Thigh Trouble III

VirtuaWendy

Pebbledash Apprentice

Thrush Reduction School

Alan Randy Tanner Shows You How

Sim 9 O’clock News

Adult Colostomy

Ray Mears’ Survival Chimney

Brunch Arranger

Pro Pencil Throw

The Continuing Adventures of Nice ‘n’ Soapy

Lunchy Munchy

SimKettle

VirtuaCarpet

Snack bar etiquette

arm harm 4

saucy haulage 9

swimming with trousers on

Thora The Exploder

High Jinks on Highway

Wrist Exposure

Looking After God’s Neck 6

Frog Polishing

Harrison Ford Harrassment

Shampooing Buffalo with Betty Murchie

Unravelling Scobie’s Quotient

Alistair’s Wheels

High Speed Loaf Assembly - Knead For Speed 2

Detolionia - A World of Disinfectant

Coal Punishment

Table with Bilston Glen

Who Is Douglas Bader?

Sharpen Your Trowel with Baden Powell

Bambi Leg Stabilisation

Pimp My Sideboard

Crematorium Capers

The Burning Coupon

Fireplace Customiser featuring Annette Benning

Force 8 Golfing Atrocity Pro-Am

Trout Swiping (Mexican Edition)

Village Idiot Racing 2

Fridge Racer 4

Parrot Force 7

Amish Disease Aversion

Pro-Am Celebrity Road Kill 3

Major James Hewitt’s Blew It Game

Advanced German For Industrial Foundries with Keith Chegwin

I’m A Celebrity, Shave My Arms 8

Mortar Mixing With Fiona Bruce

Self Harm with Hartley’s Jam Jam, Arm, Harm, Barn (Farm Edition)

Deadly Riddles with Bo Diddley, Nicolas Ridley, Ken Dodd, Dodi al Fayed and the Cast of Grease

Not Poodles but Pot Noodles 2

Shed Holder vs. Vijay Singh Sing-a-long a Hitler Hillman Hunter 2

Hearing Aid

Beige Chevette 5

Ian Botham’s County Balls

PramFace: The Revenge

Nebulous Nockers

Hot Knifin’

Anton Rogan’s Potato Scone

Monotonous Madness

Sally Magnuson’s Nicotine Buzz

Doncaster Moose Pulling

Beer Goggle Challenge- Ultimate Edition

Pebble Mill - The Platform Game

Davro Goes West

Jelly Fish Juggling with Jilly Cooper

Ballroom Thighs - A Game For All The Family

Dog Plop Monopoly

Frank Tibbs’ Unanimous Cave  

Tripping Over Thimbles 4

Pebble Mill Pebble Dash

Humourous Toilet Noises 3

Carry On Corduroy 5

Drain Savage 2

Radio 4 Hoar Sampler

Binman Challenge

Boris Becker’s Jazz Complaint

Callcentre Supervisor Pro

Timpsons Manager 1986

Volcano Cheese

The Lemon Vampires of Dudley

Pablo Balloon’s Hernia Diagnosis

Virtua Social Carer

Eric Gluttony

Trouser Press Sabbatical

Alarm! Run! Knit!

Whitly Bay Mesh Collector

Martini Hinge Challenge

Vole Puncher 3

Tropical Slavery 3

Slattery Battery Chat

The Ambivolent Miner’s Chin Problem

Dog Warmer 9

Piano Stroker 2

Brian Hater

Brian Massacre

The Eyes of Salamine

Wingnut

Ruthless Removal of Wind

Egg Rugby 5

International Spine Swapping

Grand Prix - Live from Borehamwood

Farmed Nicaraguan Debris - Collector’s Edition

Spongy Marmite

Fun N Games in Chernobyl with Cheryl Baker

Fun N Games in Chernobyl II without Cheryl Baker

Semi-Pro Badger Excuses 5

Face Biter III

Eric Clapton’s Dead Shoes

Stop! Or my Mom will Shoot Ike

Kate Stits

Dawn French’s Fantasy Football

Giant Priority

Extendable Alien Hairdriers

A Masterclass with Ruud Hullit

Greggs Tycoon

Nail Filing with Stefan Edberg

SimLibrarian

Aardvark Juggling

Any Swedgers?

Civil Engineering Attack Force

Bible Edit III

Cactus Comparing with Terry Waite

Gunther’s Tasty Leather

Health Challenge

Catastrophe Pants

Superhero Draughts

SimJanitor 8: Smooth Moperator

Breath Club

Biting and Chewing

The Goose 3

Armadale

Sangsters 2

Extreme Chinese

Ned Poultry Farmer

Diabolical Gran Odour 6

Camp Action Man

Topless Skateboard Nun 2

Solving Simultaneous Equations Under Water (Bridlington Edition)

Hake Take with Less Than Jake (Celebrity Edition)

The Paul Anka Diaries

Makeover : Wallpapering Your Face 5

Blackhead Removal with Scaffolding Poles 8

High School Musical Shoot Out

Bad Air Hockey (Rotten Egg Edition)

Failed Airport Terrorism Attempt 2

International Banana Terrorist 3

Conventional Bra Wearing

Terrapin 2

split pea glee

gaseous monkey

Cheddarfest revival

moonfaced lung toucher 4

attack of the angry jam ballast

relentless margarine 3

buttergutter

clutter game

wasp wing clasp assembly

futurismysticalismism presented by Kenny Leveritt

pork chop aftermath

strict rector workings 5

detected vim spillage 2

simCOLOSTOMY

Gale Force

Pike Gardening

Ribble Valley Larvae Attraction

Marmite Spite

Sarah Brightman’s Secret Pro-Am Celebrity Tench Cremation

High Speed Paralympic Disasters 5

Savoury Tights 4

Advanced Scone Vandalism with Ruth Maddock

Workplace Victimisation Art 2

Egg Poaching with Prince Charles

Varnishing with Confidence Iggy Pop versus Eggy Pope (Slovenian Edition)

Sloth Pinching with Ewan McGregor

Shoot Deirdre Off Coronation Street As Many Times As You Like

Polished Ginger Bison Falling Over 3

Lego Smashing

Snorting-A-Surgically-Removed-Spaghetti Line Back Through Your Nose Championships with Keith Floyd

Slippery Cats Finger Sizery

Vernacular Spectacular - Regional Heats - Norway Vs Newcastle

Register Maniacs 4

Disabled Horse Fury 5

Turtle Hurlers

Des Lynam’s Mum

Horse v Dolphin: Requiem

rentokil bill 2

rat boy 9

cardboard harbour 9

vote for a wine side dish

Ministry of Justice: Writing the Constitution Sim Local Councilor

Puggy Paradise

Pan-London Kid Chase

Pirates on the Pond

Junior Project Manager III

Decide to Read Again

Nokia vs Motorola: Find the Phone Charger

Feed the Kids Coal (Bono Demo)

Tom Clancy’s Splintered Bell

Jellied babies

Shave the Llama

Jew Harp Hero (Harp not included)

Mum Trashers 4

SimSTD

ActuaMince

Square Peg Round Hole Challenge

Blockman vs DragonThing

Menopausal Madness

Ringbinder II

Equine Manouevers

The Mysteries of Michael Elphick’s Port in a Storm

Haberdasherie Heat

LGV STD

Half a Cider And You’re Laughing

Humourless Hags Return to Castle Frottage

Hungry Hungarian Housewives

Fake Tan Dylan

Super Who Did That Thunder in Tannadice

Swollen River Wheelchair Uh-Oh

Ruby Murray’s Curry from Anything

How Clean is your Mouth

Cilit Bangers

Why’s Dad in the Furnace: HD

R Kelly’s Gotham City

Gerard Kelly’s Diet City

Kendal Misery

Buff Women Crush

Supermarket Nuts

Dry Off - You’re Wet Too!

Xenophobic Elderly Home

Easy Rider: Trikes and Quads

Rise Up and Get Back To Bedford

Alan Sugar’s Finger Fiasco

Private Investigator: Carbon Footprints

Snakes on a Phone

Phone a Snake

Snakephone

Phoney Snake

Children In Need: One Can Survive

The Canterbury Compendium Featuring: Sinister Minister

The Godies ft. Hymn Brooke Taylor

Virtual Nun

Cheeses Of Nazareth

Nun Surfing: Birds of Pray

Dogs drink wine

nacho panic

ostrich borstal

bombscare in sacred cities of spain

spiral binding awards

biro spinning awards

spiro binning awards

Thora Hird’s Extreme Stairlift

Gammy Dodger 2

Hell Monger 5

Tag Nutter 8

simClaw

Mayonnaise Babies 2

Kissing With Incontinence

Dances With Wolverines

Come Dancing 3D

Dumb Dating 4D

Interactive Pylon Climbing

Fundamental Dish Cloth Equations

Haulage Wars 1 - Norbert Dentressangle vs. Eddie Stobbart

Haulage Wars 2 - David Heeps vs. C. Hinds Potato Merchants

White Van Driver Fashion Show

Greasy Dinosaurs Almanac

Terrible Tearing Sounds

Baste The Family

B&Q BBQ Standoff

May’s Rotary Chuckling

Spontaneous Fury

Induced Tap Dancing with Andy May

Your Lip’s Burst 2

Attack of the 40 foot Gingerbread Postman

The Dalgleish Index Escalator

Arthur Askey’s Crop Spraying

Alsatian Alien

Cow Painter 5

Impossible Cornering Technique with Ayrton Senna

Ann Frank 3D

Chop: Stand: Force: Interactive Cumnock Gala Day with Obie Trice

Dougie Donnelly’s Battenberg Cake Jumper Confusion Game

Mince Rinsing with Peter Alice

Wife Swab 3

Knife Swap 4

Gnome Drool Collecting for Beginners

Anger Manager IV

Uncle Tony’s Special Cupboard

Spilt Milk

Virtual RAC Guy Challenge

Michael Ballack’s Ludo Madness

Archie McPherson’s Apron of Chance

Gulls of Fury

Monty Don’s Embroidery Masterclass

Spammy the Dog

Rumbelows

Windows C64 edition

Mr. Minit’s Key Cutting Japes

Saved By The Bell End 3

Asp The Family - Snakecharmer Edition

Snoop Doggy Dog’s Dance Studio Workout

Taming The Shrew with Lena Zavaroni

VirtuaConkers

Sectarian Dolphin 4

Fly Phishing by J.R. “Hacker” Hartley

The Goth Temple of Gloom

The Hannible Lectures

simBiscuit (bourbon special)

Evostick Party

Bri-Nylon Guy 3

Skinflat Survival

Eaglesham Startrek

Bees In The Loft

Sandra Sandra

Justin and Colin’s Guide To Deep Sea Pipe Welding

Wayne Rooney Loony Toon Room for Kids

Pheasant Milkfloat Run

Late Ex in Latex 6

Dick Advocaat’s guide to coctkail mixing

To The Manor Braun

Tandoori Roti 3

Murder She Roti

Silence of The Prams

Emlyn Hugh’s Omelette Challenge

Josh Wink’s Tiddleywinks

Elvanfoot Butterfly Massacre

Carstairs

Monster Metros

Fuzzy-Felt Masterclass with Yuri Gagarin

Predator Paint

Eel Chair Regatta

Big Pants Comedy Skydiving

Bang! Bang! Bang! Oops…

Swindlin’ Yokels with Roman Abramovich

Outrun Bolton

Tony Blair’s Prole Crusher

Heather The Weather’s Fishnet Frenzy

Nick Drake’s Morose Warblings

Ape Attack!: Wishaw

Patrick Moore’s Tedium Personified

Chicken Gun

Barry Robson’s Beguiling Napper

C5 Grand Prix

Roll Me A Fat One and Get They Dishes Done

Brahim Hemdani’s Unremarkable Competence

Virtual Soup of the Day

The Rancid Horns of Leith

Super-Monday-Banana-Death

Ask Me A Graham

Undercarriage Return

Steve Ovette’s Erratic Frog

Tennis Stuart

Bomb Acrobat

SimAlcoholic

Girth Alarm 3

Alan Hanson’s Amatuer Granny Revival

Pickpocket Pro

Chinchilla Wrestling

Crouching Greyhound Hidden Danger

Poodle Judo with Judith Chalmers

Hedge Availability

Overwhelmed Whelk Farmer 2

Cupboard of Lentils 7

Sloth Borstal 2

Pro-Am Prawn Wrestling

Custard, Mustard and Other Rhyming Condiments

Cat Litter Lego

Jimmy Nail’s Book Corner

Navigating Cumbernauld Whilst Aggrevated

Hanah Barbera’s Meat Collective

Tensile Strengthometer

Betty Boothroyd’s Hooverathon

AfroClam

Attack of The Four Lipped Maneater

The Wizard’s Sleeve

J-Lo’s Bum Shelf Warm

Salad Dressing with Trinny and the Bigger One

Keith Floyd’s Damp Side of the Moon

Soviet TicTacs: Taste of War

World Cup Eczema

Mum vs Dad: Grab a Plate

Upside of Death VI

Ulti-Mugger: Wallet and Watch, Ta

Soft and Gentle 3: Roll On

MC Hammer’s World of Pantaloons

Restore Pet Cemetary

Audible Charm: Legend of the Gentle Trump

That’s Not My FInger!

Zoo of ham-fed Gibbons

Wake Up! You’re Not Dead Yet

Wake Up! I’m Limbless and There’s a Fire

Drifting Away: Grandad’s Final Slumber Party

Pyjamas.. At School?

Neil Buchanan’s Antler Attack

Cash In the Attic, Now In My Attic

Get Pregnant 5 - Civilised Scamming

Soda Stream: Hunt for the Gas Canister

Soda Stream II: But It Says Cola Flavoured!?

Invest in Me, I’m a Maniac

London Tube Track Scraper

Armitage Shanks

Virtual Log

Death Row Buckaroo

Labour Backbench Cage Fighting

Floaty The Finless Waterbeast

Vauxhall Advert Creator

Dragged 150 Yards: Bradford Joyride

Old Spice: She’s Yours

Unicycling for Pensioners

Unmentionable Chalky Taste 6

Island Pancake Mixing with Seb Blatter

Filthy Ventriloquist Stories

Eddie Vedder’s World Of Shreddies

Camp Ramp

Tobogganing with Wogan

Annie Mack’s Caramac Slacks

Irene Maiden 10

Sausage Jockey 3

Cured Ham and Other Medical Miracles

Mud Wrestling with Thora Hird

Sim Haulage

Sim Heelage

Sim Cabbage

Sim Charles Babbage

Sim Gym

Liquor & Poker - Rude Casino Edition

Pass The Dutchy of Cornwall From The Left Hand Side

High Heel Teeterage 3

Esther Rantzen’s Root Vegetable and Tuber Hilarity Fest

Nun Paintball 4

Arm Wrestling Dentist 9

Julie Andrew’s Liver Salts 3

Sanitary Owl Radio 4

Bus in a Leotard

World’s Strongest Nan

Hector Sylvester’s Turquoise Noise

Ambulance Chaser 2

Foam Party at The Foam Centre

Press and Mend

Touch the Hutch

Mastic Badger

Surname Challenge ft. Yvonne Goolagong vs. Peter Oosterhouse

Mast Blast Bomb Scare 3

Going Through At The Back 3

Pinball Lizard 5

Dancing With Oxygen

The Dimbleby Conundrum

Virtua Council Gritter

Rampant Carpark

Icarus Manifold’s Welsh Poster Collection

Religious Gardening with Moses and his Hoses

Air Rifle Chooser with Bishop Desmond’s .22

Ballet Dancing with Bishop Desmond’s TuTu

Slurry Avoidance ft. Alvin Stardust

Celebrity Quinine

Abatoir Jubilee Beef

Geek Orthodox

Fudge Assembly

Relax, Prance, Peel

Paul Ince’s “What’s in the Fridge?”

Super Kennel Admin

Attack, Sleep, Trapeze!

Verify My Post

Saral Ping’s Finch Adjuster

Intermediate Curve Basting

Combustable Constable 5

Fancy Cheese 3

Hazel Butters 2

Lloyd Cole’s Motion Commotion

Vermin Descriptor 2

Tray Balance in Ballantray

Fluid Choppery with Glen Blantyre

Predatory Tory Trap

Inflatable Vatican

Marzipan Tarzan

That’s Barry, Eh?

Marmite Termite

Octogenerian Hair Piece 5

Caustic Frog 3

Fridge Racer

Flouride Jockey

Algae Mechanic

The Baghdad Irritation

Crazy Meerkat Forklift Racing

Zak Marvel’s Gaseous Print Revival

Easter Toolbox

Winkle Picker II

Virtua Morrisons

Face Camp

Holy Moly - the unluckiest Mole in the Field

Kays - Catalogue of Errors

Wunder-Hat

Look Out! Too Late.

Pleasant Pheasant

Mike Tyson’s Rapid Wrestling

Reservoir Logs

An Audience With Kirk Broadfoot

Salami Origami

Who’s in the Pot?

Deep-Sea Monopoly

Frank Lampard’s Mousetrap Masterclass

Aztec Leg

Kitchen Thespian

Scaffolding Terror

Somalian Pirates

Take Guernsey

Treacle or Turnip?

Olympic Jail

Sweat on Me and I’ll Vomit

Dubious Quality Controller 5

Quiff Aligner

Re-pot That Geranium, You Fool

Soft Furnishing Spectacular

Dad! You’re My Brother!

Peter Kincaid. Now you Try

12lbs of Something

Vosene - The Forgotten Chemical

Viv Lumsden’s Pit of Terror

Halfords: Den Of Incompetence

Rubber Stamp Misery

The Beechgrove Garden Presents: High Tedium

Monks On A Bus

Gordon The Gopher’s Amsterdam Exploits

Imaginary Futures: President Trump

Tetrapak! 

DIY Watercolor: Pylons of Tyneside

Paradise Lumbago

Post Office Manager: Bungled or Burgled

Crass Bandicoot 

Chequered Flag F1 Racist Challenge

Err, That’s Not Shampoo

BANG! Search For The Dirt, Limescale & Rust

These are all available to buy on Ebay, apart from 619 which they actually forgot to produce. 

[redefinethegrind]

Seeking Your Truth

I had slept for what seemed like 2 weeks. I didn’t know what day it was or even what time it was when I woke up to my mouth tasting like dried blood. Vague memories of the past several days crept back to me as wispy silent movie clips. As far as I was concerned I could have imagined all of those memories. They seemed, for the most part, invalid.

I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and noticed my cheeks felt larger than usual. They were, no doubt, holding fluid, swollen from the unremitting bombardment of alcohol and unchecked 14-hour episodes of unconsciousness. I made my way to a seated position and noticed my entire body ached as though I were getting the flu. My esophagus was burning from the point of my Adam’s apple as far south as an inch above my belly button. It hurt to swallow. I felt the left side of my throat for a knot. I believed there should be a knot there, but I had yet to find it after checking daily for what could have been weeks. My sinuses were impacted so I was breathing through my arid mouth.

After several minutes of blankly staring into the distance I made my way to an upright position. The world was a little wobbly but nothing I wasn’t used to. Bearing weight put a strain on my left lower back and hip and I was reminded that they were indeed sore. I stumbled my way to a toilet and took a meager, yet concentrated, 20 second piss. I was yawning excessively, and my thoughts turned to wondering when I could go back to sleep. Soon after I was thinking about when and where I would get my next bolus of alcohol.

I was on a mission. I had decided to drink myself to death this time. It was the first time I had intentionally spent days unconscious. My only memories of this drinking spell were of answering the occasional text message or looking upward at a disappointed person as they worried about my condition. I had sincerely given up on pulling myself together and moving forward. I reasoned that eventually I would pass out and never pass back in. It turns out I was wrong. I’m not sure how long I could have gone on at that pace, but I assume my body would have taken it for several years if I really had the gumption to continue.

Looking back, I’m not sure what lead me to my extreme solution to a common problem. As I explore, the best answer I can come up with is that I took some turns mentally that common people would have never taken. I had, at least through my early 20s, lead what I would consider to be an interesting life. My experiences were varied, and my interests were plentiful. I was known to my group as the person who was up for just about anything and who had no limits. I was always extreme in my thinking and therefor was unlikely to back down at the proposition of challenge. I paired this trait with a competitive instinct and rode the wave for several interesting years.

Now, I view my extreme personality as somewhat of a burden. Not only can I get myself quickly socially ostracized, which truthfully, I’ve never much given any weight to, but I can also burn up my entertaining resources at alarming rates. What I mean is, I tend to live to the fullest quickly and run out of fun even quicker. As I aged through mid and late 20s I was running out of interests. I don’t know if I felt that I had exhausted all that was interesting from my curiosities or if anhedonia from a depressive episode was setting in. Either way I became jaded and bored with reality. During this time, I escaped more and more to an inner world and began neglecting the external.

By my mid 20s I was reading books heavily and spending countless hours on YouTube and reading articles and forum posts on the internet. I would read and learn about things that interested me. None of the things I was interested in had much to do with actually getting up and doing. I was reading about mathematical and scientific theories, different takes on philosophy and spirituality. Something that had always bothered me, but I had taken no initiative to repair was my body weight. Somewhere in my mid 20s I became obsessed with weight loss.

I decided that for the first time I was going to take weight loss seriously. I scoured the internet for answers and soon discovered multiple sources were citing that a 1200 calorie per day diet was the lowest caloric intake a human being should be subjected to for any length of time. Anything lower, these sources insisted, would lead to a state of malnutrition. I began looking at labels on food for the first time in my life and began counting calories. I made myself promise to never eat more than 1000 calories per day and started weighing daily. I also bought a cheap treadmill and made myself start running. I developed a plan based around the couch to 5k model and after a few months was actually able to increase from 60 seconds of jogging to 20 minutes of jogging without stopping.

I did not change the types of foods I was eating and continued along being a food addict. I would still buy ice cream and candy bars. There were days I can remember only eating a candy bar because I was up against my caloric budget and refused to go over. After about a year at this rate I lost 100 pounds or so and was looking absolutely skinny fat. I weighed around 180 pounds and had no muscle mass to speak of. I felt weak and tired all of the time. I remember feeling cold a lot for the first time in my life.

After becoming skinny fat and weak that I became interested in becoming a stronger person physically, so I adopted weight training as a hobby. I became, of course, obsessed with the topic and began studying all that I could on gaining strength quickly. Being an extreme person, I took to weight lifting with haste and began developing a split routine that would allow me to go to the gym daily. I was spending upwards of 2 hours at a time at a small-town gym 7 days a week. I began eating a high protein diet and taking many supplements.

I felt that after 6 months or so my progress was stalling and began reading about steroids. I first heard about products marketed as “Pro-Hormones.” A friend of mine swore by them and said they made his journey easier working out. The more I read I realized that these chemicals were precursors to steroids. Once converted by the liver they were no different than taking straight steroids. I took to Amazon and ordered M-Stane and M-Drol. As soon as they arrived I began taking them and did notice quite a difference after a couple of months using them. I became hooked on the feelings of strength and motivation. For the first time in my adult life I was feeling masculine.

After reading more about the pro-hormones I realized that they had potential to cause liver damage and I became more interested in a safer alternative. My research lead me to simply using injectable testosterone. I soon ordered a shipment from a seedy website. Within a few weeks a package showed up post marked Moldova. Inside were several vials of Tesosterone Enanthate. I began injecting 2 times per week and ran a standard low dose steroid cycle. Before long I was looking the best I had ever looked as an adult. My motivation to work out was incredible and I felt that I was recovering quickly. I began going to the gym sometimes twice per day. I was adding plates steadily to my major lifts and became a truly strong person. The funny thing is, people without understanding of anabolic androgenic steroids view them as unhealthy by nature. I was eating by far the healthiest I had ever eaten when taking steroids. I didn’t want to waste the chemicals so to speak so I was very on point in my diet and working out. I was also using fairly low doses when compared to competing body builders, it was just enough of a boost to keep me interested in what I was trying to accomplish with little worry of adverse effects.

It all came to an abrupt stop one day when I was deadlifting. I pulled my first rep without much complication. As I set up and pulled my second rep I felt an obvious POP in my low back. I set the weight down. I twisted a little bit and felt no pain, so I set up and pulled a third rep. I then felt jarring weakness and my low back simply collapsed. I dropped the weight. I went home feeling fairly normal. The next morning, I could barely get out of bed. Straightening up was so tight and painful that I had to walk hunched forward. I continued in this state for about 2 weeks. One thing that steroids do is allow for muscles to grow quickly, tendons and ligaments do not change and therefore have the potential to get hurt if one keeps adding more weight to the bar. I was aware of this reality but my competitive nature had gotten the better of me.

After a few months the pain persisted but was certainly less than it had been. The problem was, I was hurting too much to work out and I took extended periods off at the gym. I kept eating a bunch of calories because I had gotten used to eating more being on steroids and working out all of the time. Slowly but surely, I got fat again. I never sought medical attention and just lived day by day suffering. As my weight came back depression set in. I began drinking alcohol somewhat regularly. It did help my pain and it eased my feelings of depression initially. With the drinking came more weight gain and I became a fat, lazy slob.

This cycle continued worsening as the months progressed. Eventually I was drinking daily, not working out, and binge eating regularly on less healthy foods. I was beyond depressed. All of my other hobbies that I neglected to begin weight lifting were still neglected. I was rarely making music. Nothing sounded appealing. The thought of even getting out of bed was too much some days. If it weren’t for having to be at work I would have simply stopped functioning all together. I was neglecting my marriage and my personal life.

Fast forward back to the bender I was discussing in the opening paragraphs. It came on the heels of one of the healthiest periods of my life. During this period, I had taken up yoga, running, veganism, and started to explore my personal spirituality. I had done those things to end the 3 year period of unhealthiness following my weight lifting accident. I lived clean for 6 months and was the happiest I could have ever been. What happened to tank all of that and send me into the worst binder of my adult life? I had made some rash decisions during a period of panic which caused huge changes. Though I thought I was ready for the changes, when they came I allowed them to be an excuse to stop living clean. Before long I was eating poorly and not exercising. That lead to me feeling worse and then simply giving up. Then back came drinking. As depression set in the drinking increased. As the drinking increased depression turned into suicidal ideation. That lead to giving up and laying down.

I think this pattern happening so quickly allowed me to understand how it happened more slowly previously. See when most people start losing interest in their hobbies they might give them up, but instead of laying down and dying they begin looking for other hobbies and experiences to fill their time and to find meaning in life. Well, I didn’t. I am extreme. Rather than look for new experiences I just assumed that all experiences would eventually become lackluster and I just decided that life was not worth living period. I gave up less than a third of the way through my natural life. It is just like me to draw conclusions abruptly without all available information.

So, I have the inclination to lay down where others would fight. I give up without any clear reason. That is exactly what I did when my world came crashing down in 2018. I simply found a way to stay unconscious while life passed me by. Recognizing this personality trait in myself has given me some useful information moving forward. I don’t want to be common, to fit in, to lead a boring existence, or to waste away while I give my soul to a company. The solution cannot simply be to give up when things are not going my way. The solution is to seek another path which will allow things to go my way. This strange revelation took me too long to realize. I am embarrassed at times to admit the simplest of solutions that elude me for years.

I am, in fact, an incredibly uncommon human being. I lay down to die at the first sign of disappointment. I throw my entire life away to pursue my next obsession. I forgot to eat when I gave my entire being to unearth spiritual growth and passed out in front of a couple of friends. I am extreme. I am passionately unimpressed. I appear unsocialized and detached while I live in the moment. I will bear my soul to a complete stranger while hiding it from my closest friends. I will feel vulnerable in my living room yet invincible on a stage. I am a living breathing paradox who believes everything is possible, but nothing will come through in the end. A jaded optimist. I believe I can save the world, yet I don’t have faith in myself. I long to be happy while truly believing that I deserve to suffer. So, which is it. Which Ernie will I be today? Do I even have a choice?

The binder in question ended and I pulled myself to a clearer mental state. I couldn’t have done it alone. My love Cyndi and my dear sister Libby looked me in the face and told me that my life was worth living. They made a compelling argument and in the face of complete darkness I believed in their light. Their unconditional love was enough to give me hope. I vowed to fight. I slowly put back together the pieces of a broken existence. I again, stopped drinking alcohol. I started to work out again. I started to eat better. Before long, my happiness came back. See, life can only take so much from me, just as it can only spoon feed me for so long. Ultimately, I am in charge. It took me nearly dying, reading every philosophy book in the library, and 3 decades of waxing and waning; but I finally figured it out for now.

I too, like others, can choose to seek out a better path when this path becomes too much to bear. That is the beauty of free will. I have to remember that lesson going forward, and I hope that my experience can give others hope. You do have control over your own happiness. The truth comes from the inside, we cannot add it to our being or take it away. It is always there waiting to be discovered. It is already a part of each and every human being. Get out there and seek your truth and you might be pleasantly surprised at what you find. I was.

[skkgagnon]

Dirty, Reckless Love by Lexi Ryan Release Date: August 14, 2018 Genre: Contemporary Romance Synopsis: I’m in love with a man who tried to kill me. At least that’s what they tell me . . . Six weeks ago, paramedics found me unconscious in my own home. Beaten. Bruised. Hardly breathing. When I woke up, I couldn’t remember the last three years or anything about my life in Jackson Harbor. They tell me my fiancé, Colton McKinley, is on the run for what he did to me. They tell me I’m safer if I stay away. I don’t care if my memories ever come back. I want nothing to do with those missing years . . . until a sexy stranger with angry eyes shows up on my doorstep and demands I stop ignoring him. Levi Jackson is my fiancé’s best friend, but seeing him sparks something inside me. As the truth unravels in my mind, I know they’re wrong about Colton. My own secrets are far more dangerous than the man I was engaged to. I return to Jackson Harbor to search for answers and find myself running from a faceless boogeyman and seeking refuge in Levi’s arms. And in his bed. I can’t deny my feelings for Levi. But as the pile of lies between us grows, I realize that sometimes the truth can’t set us free. It may be the very thing that could destroy us. Read Today! Amazon US: https://amzn.to/2MrKbyR Amazon UK: https://amzn.to/2w4Lflo Amazon CA: https://amzn.to/2w1f9qJ iBooks: https://apple.co/2K8zmos B&N: http://bit.ly/2yKrC6T Kobo: http://bit.ly/2MsFogH GooglePlay: http://bit.ly/DRLGPlay Add to Goodreads: http://bit.ly/2KooRcI Excerpt: The man searches my face. “That’s why you won’t come home. You’re afraid of Colton.” “I don’t want anything to do with that life.” He exhales heavily and rolls his shoulders back, as if he’s trying to shake off a ghost. “That’s not fair to the rest of us. To everyone who loves you, everyone who was sick with worry when they put you into that coma. Not. Fucking. Fair.” I shrug. “Maybe losing a child and almost dying has made me a little selfish.” His gaze drifts down to my stomach, and I cover it with my hand without thinking. “I’m sorry about the baby.” I nod, tears springing to my eyes. “Me too.” So sorry. “I understand if you want to live here now, but don’t cut us out. We all lost something that night.” “Did you?” He narrows his eyes. “You think I didn’t care? That this was all some game to me, and losing you was nothing?” I wrap my arms around my chest, as if the pressure might weaken this force pulling me toward him by the solar plexus, this inexplicable need to be closer and let him wrap me in his arms. “Losing me? When was I ever yours to lose?” He jerks his gaze away from me, slides off his stool, and downs the rest of his beer. “Thanks. I guess that clears up where we stand after everything.” I open my mouth to apologize but swallow the words and meet his steady gaze. Then he backs away and grabs his bags off the bar. He pulls an envelope from his pocket and hands it to me. “I was going to leave this for you with the barista next door, but I guess I can save myself the trouble.” “What is it?” I ask, staring at the crisp black calligraphy that reads Ellie Courdrey. “An invitation to Ava and Jake’s wedding. Despite what you seem to think of me, I’m not fucking my future sister-in-law.” “Their wedding?” He nods. “They thought about canceling after everything, but . . .” He stares at me for a long beat. “They decided to put love first.” That feels like a jab. At me? At them? I don’t know. “I don’t want to go back there.” “Maybe it’s not always about what you want.” He shrugs as if it’s no different to him either way, but I can tell by the tension in his shoulders that it matters a lot. He steps forward—too close—and I let him, closing my eyes at his scent. Then a flash. He’s over me. The weight of him presses into my hips, his calloused hands holding my face, his fingers in my hair. “You’re sure?” I nod. Slide my hands down his back and lift my hips. “Yes. Please.” He searches my eyes. “No regrets.” I hold on to the memory of this man, wanting to examine it, to figure out what it means, but I’m too distracted by his closeness in this moment. He’s big. Strong. Warm. He lowers his mouth to my ear. “I never stopped loving you. Even when you told me to. Even when you chose him.” And then he walks away. Meet Lexi: Lexi Ryan is the New York Times and USA Today bestselling author of emotional romance that sizzles. Lexi is the 2018 winner of the Romance Writers of America® RITA®  award for Best Long Contemporary Romance. She considers herself the luckiest girl around to make a living through storytelling. She loves spending time with her crazy kids, weightlifting, ice cream, swoony heroes, and vodka martinis. Lexi lives in Indiana with her husband, two children, and a spoiled dog. You can find her at her website: www.lexiryan.com Connect with Lexi: Website: http://www.lexiryan.com/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/lexiryanauthor Newsletter: http://eepurl.com/qymaH Bookbub: http://www.bookbub.com/authors/lexi-ryan Instagram: http://instagram.com/writerlexiryanv Twitter: https://twitter.com/writerlexiryan Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/2856947.Lexi_Ryan Amazon: http://amzn.to/2bIYjGa

[theglobetrottergp-blog]

Skiing has long since been on the bucket list. However, I wasn’t really planning a trip to the mountains anytime soon when I made a spontaneous decision after too many glasses of wine to book a VERY last minute trip Skiing. By last minute, I mean we booked Friday and left on Sunday! So it was a mad rush trying to get all my ski gear. I didn’t even know where to start! I mean what do you even WEAR skiing for the first time?! So after learning the hard way and buying WAY too much gear that I didn’t even use, I decided to create this checklist of skiing essentials for beginners.

Please pin me!

So the first lesson is you will pack too much. You never use anywhere near as many clothes as you think you will so empty that suitcase by half and you’ll be about right! I am a ‘what if’ girl. I like to pack for all eventualities so I often end up with 3 times as much as I need for trips. But if I were to go skiing again, I would definitely take a lot less! My friend only took hand luggage and STILL had too much! So use the list of skiing essentials for beginners and you will save yourself time, space and money! I will also tell you what to wear skiing for your first time so you can own those slopes!

This post does contain affiliate links. This just means that if you were to purchase any of the ski equipment I’ve linked to, I would receive a small commission at no cost to yourself. This helps towards the costs of running this website.

Where to buy your ski gear?

You do not need designer ski wear for your first time on the slopes! Until you know whether you love skiing enough to go back again, you will want to hunt out the ski bargains. No point spending a fortune on the top skiing gear only for it to sit at the back of your wardrobe gathering dust year after year!

So firstly, ask about amongst your friends and find out what you can borrow! I was lucky that a friend of mine Pip, from the fabulous www.pipandthecity.com, helped me out by loaning me goggles and gloves when the ones I ordered on Amazon didn’t arrive in time. Kind of ironically due to excessive snow in the U.K before I left preventing next-day delivery!

Freak snowstorms aside, Amazon is a great place to get your kit and often you can get next day delivery with Prime. Useful if your holiday is as last minute as mine was!

Click here to find your skiing essentials on Amazon!

Check out local bargain sports clothes centres such as Sports Direct or GoOutdoors. If you know well in advance you are planning a ski trip then the best time to buy your gear will be about March time when the ski season is coming to an end.

How many layers do I need?

I was surprised by how hot I often got on the slopes. Some days I was warm even wearing one long sleeve t-shirt with my ski jacket open over the top! But then other days, it can be bitterly cold!

My best tip to make sure you are prepared for whatever the weather throws at you is to check the local snow report the day before. Check out the temperature, wind speed and if there will be snow or rain. In general, one long sleeve thermal base layer with leggings underneath your salopettes and ski jacket is often sufficient.

On colder days you will need to add a strappy top and a microfleece. If you are at very high altitude or skiing somewhere especially cold, you may want to pack an extra jumper and thermal leggings.

How can I be stylish on the slopes? 

Since often, you will go straight from skiing to the bars or apres ski, you may want to consider what you will beneath your ski jacket and salopettes to feel a little bit more stylish. I chose to wear gym style leggings with nice patterns and kept a pair of black will-go-with anything snow boots in my locker at the ski hire place. I could then leave my salopettes in my locker and team my colourful leggings with a warm jumper and I was ready to hit the pubs.

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You can also choose colourful headbands which are functional, keep you warm, your hair under control and add a bit of snow-chic to your outfit! A colourful buff can also serve to keep your face warm and then be worn as a headband disguise birds-nest hair when you remove your helmet!

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As for your hair, you could always consider getting a keratin blow dry before you go on your ski holiday. I had one before my trip to South America and it was great to tame my frizzy knot-prone hair and lasted several months. Alas, I did not have time to do this again before this ski trip but I wish I did. It would have been great for preventing knotty messy helmet hair! Check out my article about Keratin blow dries as a hair travel solution! Otherwise, plaits are a good style for taming your hair on the slopes!

Any other top tips for skiing essentials for beginners?

Get a ski jacket that is just a little on the larger side. Mine fit well when the pockets were empty. However, you will end up stuffing your pockets with money, phones, snacks, gloves and anything else that you would usually carry in your bag! I ended up looking like the Michelin man most days!

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Speaking of ski jackets make sure your jacket has lots of pockets! Also, many jackets have a small zip pocket on the left forearm. This is super useful as you can store your ski pass in there and the scanners can easily detect it without you having to go searching through your pockets every time you get in a ski lift!

You only need one pair of salopettes. They are expensive and there is really no need for more than one pair if you are skiing for one week or less. You will also be wearing leggings underneath!

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Make sure you get salopettes with braces! I found when I wasn’t wearing mine, my salopettes constantly felt like they were falling down! (Possibly partly as I accidentally bought men’s salopettes in my rush so they were big on the waist and tight on the hips! Schoolgirl error.)

Don’t forget sun cream for your face! A few of my friends learnt the hard way! Along with being painful and risking long-term damage, you will also end up with a spectacular ski goggle tan!

Ski boots are not the comfiest so pack plenty of blister plasters. I actually put these on the first day before I ski in places I expect the boots to rub. It worked – no blisters for me this time!

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Pack both goggles and sunglasses. Sunglasses are great for apres ski and on sunny days when you don’t want bulky goggles. But goggles are invaluable when it starts snowing to keep with snow and spray out of your eyes!

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There is no need to buy your own skis, poles, boots or helmet unless you know you will be skiing more than once as they are easy to hire. However, if you have a GoPro, you may want to consider your own helmet as they don’t cost much more than hire helmets and you can mount a GoPro adapter to it to record some great videos!

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[amazon_link asins=’B01MU3M978′ template=’ProductAd’ store=’theglobetro07-20′ marketplace=’US’ link_id=’54305dff-2613-11e8-8116-b59b7a8912bb’] Speaking of Go Pro’s, I definitely recommend them for any activity holidays! They record great quality videos and wide angle photos of the stunning scenery! The Hero 5 which I got, is even voice activated so you can start and stop recording video as you are hurtling down the slopes!

        Don’t forget a swimming cossie for spa days or even trips to local hot springs if you are lucky to be staying near some!

Make sure your gloves are waterproof. I learnt this the hard way after I decided to take some lighter fleece gloves after being sweltering the day before. It snowed hard, my gloves got soaked. My hands felt like they would never be warm again…

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Would you like a free printable ski holiday packing checklist?

To make packing for your first ski holiday a breeze, I have created a free printable checklist including all the skiing essentials for beginner skiers! From clothes to ski gear and accessories, I’ve got you covered!

To get your FREE printable skiing essentials for beginners checklist click right here!

Do you have any other tips or suggestions? Any questions I can help answer? I’d love to hear from you! I’d also be eternally grateful if you could share this post with your friends and family! Thanks, you’re the best!

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A packing list for beginner skiers. What to take, what NOT to take. How to pack light and stay stylish from the slopes to the apres ski..! Skiing has long since been on the bucket list. However, I wasn't really planning a trip to the mountains anytime soon when I made a spontaneous decision after too many glasses of wine to book a VERY last minute trip Skiing.