#him not caring a little bit about the relationships javier lost by being always at his side

[lloydfrontera]

One of the most annoying missed opportunitis in TGED in my opinion is the complete lack of a relationship between Javier and Marbella. Like yes Arcos was the one who saved him, but he has way more in common with Marbella. They were both commoners, they were both saved at a young age from absolutely abhorrent fates by Arcos, and most importantly, neither of them have no connection with their parents or any outside support system. (Javier's parents are dead, but we don't know what happened to Marbella's family/friends after the mercenaries sacked their village).

I just think it's really out of character for Marbella to see this kid her beloved husband brings home one day, whom she can see has witnessed the same horrors and born the same heartache as she at a far younger age, and not do everything in her power to help him? To track down recipes from his home region, to soothe him when he had nightmares, encourage him to make friends with Julian, and just overall hold his hand through everything as he adjusts to a world that is so alien compared to everything he's ever known.

And just imagine the angst. For the first time since her marriage, if not her rescue, Marbella has someone in her life that shares so much of her childhood experiences and background. (At least who isn't being paid to hang out with/serve her). But she never feels like she can keep him. At first they were merely waiting for next of kin to come claim him. But by the time they realized no one was coming, it was clear to them that Javier was going to be the greatest swordsman the world had ever known. He would have to leave one day, if not for his own glory then for the sake of the helpless across the continent. He was never meant to be her child. (Or so she thought).

Plus Javier's entire character arc revolves around him slowly realizing that love and duty are not mutually exclusive. This could have been reenforced by his relationships with Arcos and Marbella. He's devoted to Arcos because he admires and respects him as his savior and lord, but also as a genuinely good person who helped him grow into the man he became. But he loves and respects Marbella because she was the one who made him feel safe and not alone when he was at his most vulnerable. (Not to say that Arcos didn't try, he just never lived through what they did so it was harder for him to connect to him.)

Maybe the reason he has a seemingly closer relationship with Arcos is because he thinks it's a simpler relationship. Just a lord and knight, nothing else. (I think it would be really funny if Javier was only aware of his filial pining towards only half of the Frontera couple.)

I think I lost my train of thought halfway through this post but tldr; Javier should have been a secret mommas boy.

personally i think javier is just lacking in relationships in general. like. this man barely talks to anyone who isn't lloyd. the only two other people i think he's close to is arcos and julian which does make his lack of relationship with marbella more conspicuos!

i've talked before about just how out of character it feels for the fronteras to not really have a more personal relationship with javier considering the literally everything about them, but you make a great point that javier is pretty close to arcos while he barely has any interaction to marbella. which personally i think it's because bk moon is allergic to writing women sometimes and arcos is just more integral to the plot than marbella unfortunately :/

but if we're talking in-universe explanations it could totally be what you said! javier probably just found it easier to connect with arcos, because he already had that lord&knight connection with him.

he was in a very tenuous situation when it came to his place with the fronteras, because there was really nothing tying them together when he was a child beyond their goodwill. becoming a knight to the frontera family is cementing his place with them in a way no one could really deny. it made it real even if it's not really what he (or them) wanted it to be.

(i've also talked about this before. i've talked a lot about tged OTL)

but this also comes with the drawback that now they're stuck in their roles in a way they weren't when javier was just the child they'd raised. now he is a knight, they are his masters and there's a degree of separation between them that wasn't there before.

and with arcos javier at least has the excuse of being his knight to justify his closeness. but with marbella?? he doesn't have a 'reason' to be close to her. so he isn't.

but i really do adore the idea of them having their own relationship with each other <333. i'm holding your entire ask close to my heart and never letting go <3333

[allzelemonz]

Lost: Charles Smith X Male Reader

Pronouns: None Mentioned, implied masculinity through homosexuality Physical Sex: None Mentioned Rating: G/Fluff Warnings: Getting lost together, unestablished relationship, admission of feelings, Taima being a wingman/horse/whatever, soft Charles, kissing, fluff Summary: When away scouting, you and Charles find yourselves lost and need to make camp.

Annesburg isn’t exactly your favorite place, especially not the woods. Most of it is full of murderous hillbillies or wolves. Everywhere seems to have wolves around here. There weren’t this many wolves out West, there couldn’t have been. The only reassurance is that you’re with Charles. If anyone can handle themselves out in the middle of nowhere, it’s Charles. Still, being so far away is unsettling when the sun sets and you swear you’ve seen that lake before.

“You do know where we are?” You ask, bringing your horse alongside Taima. “Don’t you?”

“You doubting me?”

You shake your head. “No, no, of course not.” For a moment you stay silent and look around at the darkening sky and the surrounding trees. “It’s getting a little dark.”

He hums.

You lick your lips as your eyes catch movement in the trees. It’s probably nothing. Charles knows what he’s doing, he always does. But then you see that lake again.

“Charles… are we lost?”

He doesn’t say anything for a moment, then he stops Taima with a sigh. “Maybe.”

Your heart picks up with a bit of fear as you stop alongside him. This is not an area you want to be lost in. “You could've told me.”

Charles doesn’t speak and you can’t see him very well in the low light.

“Let’s find a spot to camp then.” You say, urging your horse along the path. “We can figure it out when it’s daylight again.”

“Alright.” Charles says quietly.

You follow the path until you find a decent patch of woods, turning into them until there’s a bit of a clearing. The spot is deep enough that you shouldn’t be seen from the path and open enough for a fire and a couple of bedrolls. Charles has most of it set up himself while you get the saddles off the horses so they can have a bit of a break. Taima knocks your hat off of your head in the process, your hands occupied by her saddle. You set it down with yours and before you can retrieve your hat, Charles holds it out to you.

“Thanks.” You give him a nod and a smile as you take it from him.

He puts his hands on his hips as you place your hat back on your head. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

You adjust your hat, getting back to the way you like it. “It’s fine, Charles. It happens.”

“Not so much to me.”

“We’re all new to this country.” You shrug. “And I won’t tell anyone our best tracker got lost in the woods.”

He chuckles lightly. “Thanks.”

You give him a smile as you pass him to sit by the fire. He stays by the horses for a while, giving Taima attention. You open up a can to have dinner and have it finished by the time he sits down.

“You want one?” You ask, holding up a can.

He holds his hand out for it. “Thanks.”

You sit in silence as he eats. That’s one good thing about Charles, he doesn’t need the constant chatter most of the gang does. It’s a nice change of pace from listening to Bill’s endless stories or his and Javier’s bickering.

“Can I ask you something?” Charles says, his tone not quite placeable.

“Sure.”

He sets the can down, his eyes focused on the fire rather than you as he speaks. “Arthur told me some things about you.”

You raise an eyebrow. “What does Arthur know about me?”

“He said you… like men.”

Your muscles tense unconsciously. Charles doesn’t threaten you and you doubt he cares about something so stupid, but it’s a reflex. Most of the gang knows anyway, it makes sense Charles would find out at some point.

“Is that a problem, Charles?”

“No.” He says plainly.

Your heart still races from nerves. It’s hard not to with this subject and the way you happen to feel about Charles. He’s never shown any interest that you’ve seen, but Charles can be hard to read and you haven’t known him for very long. You know next to nothing about him. Just that he’s quiet, nice, and handsome, which is plenty to spark your interest. You know he’s a good hunter and tracker, a decent shot, and very hard working, which was more than enough to hook you.

After a long moment of silence that left alone with your thoughts, Charles looks at you instead of the fire. “Do you like me?”

You have to look away from him for a moment, sure there’s something in your expression that will give everything away. Your eyes alone have to be enough to tell him your answer without a word given that you spend more time than anyone should admiring him.

“Charles…” You clear your throat in an attempt to get words to come out. “Why, uh, why do you ask?”

“Because I like you.”

His honesty is something to admire, but in this moment it’s making it hard to breathe. All you can manage is “Oh…”

You can see him smile out of the corner of your eye, his face somehow even more good looking when illuminated by the fire light. Still, you can’t make yourself look at him. He remedies this, his hand lightly cupping your cheek and turning you to face him. You find that he’s much closer than he was before and it makes you even more incapable of speech.

His eyes flick over your face. “You can stop me if you want.”

For a moment he waits, giving you the opportunity to push him away or lean back or speak, but you don’t. The heat of his hand on your face is more than enough to keep you right where you are. When you do nothing to stop him, he leans him and presses his lips to yours. He’s cautious, kissing light and slow before he pulls away and rests his forehead against yours.

You breathe deeply, though it has a bit of a shake from your still racing heart. “I, uh, I do like you.”

He smiles. “I’d hope so.”

You press another kiss to his lips and he pulls you closer so he can wrap his other arm around you. “Did you get lost on purpose?”

He hums, shaking his head slightly. “I wish.”

“So we just ended up out here alone and kissing by chance?”

His thumb runs across your bottom lip as he looks at you for a moment. “I like to think I did more than luck with the kissing part.”

“Taima helped you.” You smile, draping your arms around his neck. “Gave you a chance to be sweet.”

His hand moves to rest on your waist. “She got an oatcake.”

You smile as he kisses you again. Slowly, you move back to lay on your bedroll together. Charles spends a few minutes mumbling things between kisses, not giving a chance to respond when he says you’re handsome or sweet. He holds you loosely as you both drift off to sleep under the stars. Every once and a while some odd noise will wake him up for a moment, long enough for him to pull you a little closer and kiss your head before he closes his eyes again.

[fuegogiiirl]

Four walls

Pairing: Javier Peña x Helena Sotomayor

Word count: 5.4 k

Summary: Helena gets pregnant with Javi's baby and decides to keep it a secret. When he accidentally discovers it, their relationship takes an unexpected turn.

(The story is set before the narcos meeting at Las Margaritas in Medellín).

Tags: angst, slow burn, romance, hidden feelings, pregnancy, hidden pregnancy, mentions of sex, fluff

Author's note: This is my first time writing Javier Peña and my first time posting my writing, so it really is a speacial piece to me. I've always loved Javi and Helena together and hoped we'd get to see more of them in Narcos, or at least get to read fics about the two of them. I see many people felt the same but still, there's so little about them. I'm here to change that, enjoy! xx

P.S.: English in not my native language, so pls be kind.

It's not possible. That was her first thought when she found out the week before.

This can’t be real. They had been careful. She was on the pill.

And yet, it was true, and it was the last thing Helena needed in her life: she was pregnant with Javier Peña's baby.

She knew from the start that it was different with Javier, unlike anything she had experienced before. She was used to being objectified, being tossed around and used by men, something she had learned to endure in order to survive. But with Javier, it had always been different. From the very beginning, he treated her as an equal. Everything felt so easy and before she realized it, she was in too deep.

She knew it was a dangerous game, letting herself get lost in the daydream that she might have something real with him. She knew how he was with women; his reputation echoed through the brothels of Bogotá. She was also aware that their relationship was rooted in two things: her role as his informant, and sex. Still, it had been going on for several months, which was unusual for both of them, and over time, their dynamic had shifted. She began refusing his money and staying over for the night; he started coming to her place during the day and even picking her up and giving her rides from time to time. No doubt, the sex was amazing. But there had to be more to it. Over time, he involuntarily let her see more of him – a side that contrasted with the cold, grumpy exterior the world saw - and she liked what she saw. He could be tender, holding her in his arms and stroking her back with his calloused fingers. He could be genuinely interested, asking about her life and telling her bits about his own. He could be caring, always making sure she felt good with him. He could even be worried, and although he tried to hide it, it didn’t get past her. It was there in his deep brown eyes, in the way he scanned her from head to toe whenever he saw her, searching for any sign of discomfort or injury.

She wondered if he was like this with all his girls. She had been tempted to ask Vanessa but she never did, afraid that the answer would shatter something inside her. Without knowing the truth, she could hold onto this little fantasy, keeping it alive in her heart as days in Colombia were getting harder and harder. She knew she did mean something to him, that he cared for her in his own way and even enjoyed her company.

So she shut the alarming voice in her head and locked it away in the back of her mind, letting herself enjoy this state somewhere between reality and fiction, where she gave all of herself to this man and forced herself to not think of the fact that she was most likely just another fling to him, one of a hundred others. She even went so far as to hand in a fake medical report to the brothel about a made-up chlamydia infection and disappeared for weeks. To Javier's bed. She knew it was very selfish, that she should be thinking of her son and "working" for the visa to get them out, in hopes of a better and safer life, but she couldn't help herself. She was craving to be in his arms. He always made her feel so good. He touched her in a way that was always reverent, even when he was treating her a bit rough, never causing her any pain, only delicious pleasure. He always kept her close to him, having an arm around her waist or on the small of her back, pressing soft kisses to her lips, cheeks, jaw, neck or gently stroking her hair as she fell asleep on him. It was as if he always wanted her close to him, close enough to feel her, to touch and breathe her in, something she was not familiar with from the other men she encountered during her "job". But then again, Javier was different from any other men she'd met her whole life. He made her feel like nobody else. He almost made her feel... loved.

It was a silly thing to think, anyway. And holding the medical report confirming she was pregnant, it not only felt silly, but overly irresponsible, too. She was about two months along, which aligned perfectly with the time of the faked sick leave, meaning there could possibly be only one person who could be the baby’s father: Javier Peña.

She had already been suspicious, but the ultrasound left no room for guessing: she was pregnant. She had never felt so alone, so scared, standing in front of the old hospital building, clutching the papers to her chest and letting the tears stream down her cheeks.

She knew he wouldn't want this. She knew very well he wasn't a relationship-kind-of-a-man, let alone a family man. He had told her about Lorraine, about how he left her at the altar and deep down she knew that someone who left his own fiancée on their almost wedding day would not commit to his informant, and the thought hurt her more than she was willing to admit. Plus, she already had her son, Mateo. If she couldn't imagine Javier with one kid, she sure as hell couldn't with two.

She also knew that while Javi wasn't one to do relationships, he was a man who took responsibility. She knew he was a man with a good heart who would see it as his obligation to help her in a situation that they had hurled themselves into together. She knew he would push the right buttons to get her a visa without a second thought. Had she wanted to abort the baby, he would look for a clinic where it was safe and would pay for the process. Had she wanted to keep it, he would provide financial support and make sure to get her safely to the U.S. He would make sure to take responsibility and do his obligation.

But she didn't want to be an obligation to him. She wanted to keep this baby, that she was sure about. But she couldn't bear the thought of finding a check from Javi in her mailbox every month, a sour reminder of how she and their baby were nothing but an obligation to him, something he didn't plan or want but felt the need to take care of, in his own way. She didn't want his money. She wanted all or nothing with Javier Peña, she’d realized. She wanted to be his all or his nothing.

And as her heart broke at the realization that she would never be his everything, she chose to be his nothing instead.

She decided it was best she didn't say anything about the baby. This way, at least, she would save herself from seeing his cold expression when she tells him she is pregnant with his child, from the painful conversation about how he doesn't do commitment and from whatever unexpected reaction comes out of this man at an announcement like that.

It took her a few days to compose herself, she canceled her plans and even refused to see Javier, telling him she was sick. She only went to meet up with Vanessa after she’d called her that they were going to need her the next weekend in Medellín. Helena said nothing about her pregnancy and agreed to join them for the weekend.

This was her chance. Whatever this meeting in Medellín was about, it seemed to be important. If she could get useful intel for Javier, she would demand the visa she had been long waiting for and get out of this country with her son for good. What she would do after that and where she would go, she had no idea. But it was an issue she didn't have to face right now.

Right now, she had one thing to do. She needed to see Javier for the last time before Medellín, to talk through the plan. She knew he wasn't exactly fond of sending her in and she postponed telling him about it as long as he could. Merely living in Colombia was like skating on thin ice, let alone mingling with cartel members and spying for the DEA. Javi knew this better than anyone, and while he expressed his concern, he didn't do a thing to speed up the process for her visa at the embassy. Helena knew she was good at her job, and that Javier most likely wanted her to gather more intel for him before letting her go.

Helena sighed and looked into the mirror. She had no energy to dress up and get herself pretty for him, the pregnancy giving her a hard day today, making her sick with nausea and feeling weak... not that it mattered. Not that there was a point in trying to impress him.

She grabbed her bag and her keys and brushed away a single drop of tear rolling down her cheek. She could do this. Just for one more night, she needed to pretend that everything was just as it had been before. Then she would go to Medelleín and do what she had been doing for the past couple of years for the last time, so she could get that visa. Then she would leave Colombia with Mateo and the baby... Javier's baby.

Don't. She told herself, the thought making her heart drop.

Javier's baby.

She felt another tear roll down her cheek, followed by another and another. She sank down with her back against the wall and let the tears flow.

She was gonna be late, but she couldn't care less.

◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇

Javier stood by the window in the living room of his apartment, the scent of whiskey, burnt coffee from the morning and smoke heavy in the air. He took a drag of his cigarette, attempting to let the stress of the day wear off with each inhale and exhale, and glanced at the clock.

Helena was supposed to be at his place by eight. It was already a few minutes past eight, and he caught himself starting to worry about where she might be. It was unusual of her to be late.

Lately, she had been spending most of her nights in his apartment, a habit Javier had gotten used to way too easily. There was no amount of whiskey and smoking that could ease his stress and anxiety as much as being with her - losing himself in her scent, in her beauty, burying his face in the crook of her neck and feeling the soft skin there while he moved inside her… There was nothing that could compare to this. The thought of her being with him and not getting in bed with all those disgusting men at the brothel made him feel better. He obviously worried about her and wanted to protect her from the horrors she already knew very well. And as a man, he couldn't bear the thought of sharing her with anyone else. He didn't want to share this woman with anyone else, even though she wasn't his.

Yet, the next weekend he would have to share her with the most evil, most sickening men of this whole country and the mere thought of it made his stomach turn. His mind replayed their conversation from last night, over and over, how she reminded him that she needed that visa and how she reluctantly told him that she was going to Medellín during the weekend with all the other girls. And no matter how much he hated the thought of sending her in, he knew this could be their golden ticket and they could both get what they wanted. She would get the visa and he would get intel that could give them a few steps ahead of the narcos. All he had to do was settle every detail with her tonight.

If he wanted to be honest with himself - which Javier wasn't often - he did it on purpose, delaying Helena's visa. She had given him intel during the months they had been seeing each other, though less and less as she started spending more of her time with him. Still, what she had provided could have been enough that, if he wanted to, he could have pulled some strings and knocked on the door of the right people at the embassy. He knew the day would eventually come when he would have to follow through with his promise to her, and he had no doubt that once she had the visa, she would do everything in her power to get herself and her son out of Colombia in the blink of an eye. And for some reason that Javier didn’t fully understand – and maybe didn’t even want to -, the thought of never seeing her again made him feel cold and empty.

It was a strange feeling for him, and an instinct rooted deep within him told him that this wasn’t how things were supposed to be... that him and Helena were never supposed to become more than transactional. That they were heading into dangerous waters where his only response should be to cut things off and run. And yet, he couldn't bring himself to tear away from her and simply never see her again. He wanted to selfishly keep her all to himself and pretend that he didn’t acknowledge how his heart beat faster whenever he saw her, how he felt faint and calm all at once when he fell asleep with her in his arms, or how she was the first thing that came to his mind as he woke from his sleep at the early hours of the morning. He pretended none of this existed in his heart, though with each passing day, it was more and more difficult. He wanted to pretend she was just another woman he was sleeping with and liked enough to spend time with, just another informant in his bed.

Except there were no other informants in his bed anymore. How could there be, when he spent all of his free evenings tangled in the sheets with her. How could there be, when she was the one he called when he felt overwhelmed with the responsibility of his job weighing down on him during the days. How could there be, when all of those other girls in Bogotá sparked no interest in him anymore, not even the slightest.

Sometimes, when he was drinking alone in his apartment, he dared to wander into those dangerous waters and absentmindedly lose himself in wondering if she felt something, too. She had to, he thought, picturing the way her sultry chocolate eyes gazed at him with so much longing, adoration and vulnerability. Or the way she would curl up at his side and lay her head on his chest after they finished. Or when she held him in her arms and ran her fingers through his dark locks, listening to him complain about what an asshole everyone at the fucking embassy was. Javier was aware he possessed a charm that made women practically drool over him, but this felt different. This couldn't be just about sex. But then again, he always seemed to find an excuse to convince himself that this couldn't be real, that it would never work between them, that they weren't meant to be, that the circumstances weren’t right, that he wasn't a man made for relationships... he was a DEA agent living a dangerous life, and she was a prostitute, his informant, who was determined to leave Colombia. And that was all there was to it.

He downed his whiskey and poured himself another glass, his eyes flickering to the clock. It was quarter past eight. He was already starting to beat himself up for not offering to pick her up from her apartment as the streets were not particularly safe to walk in Bogotá, especially after dark, when there was a soft knock on the door. He let out a breath of relief and went to answer it.

Opening the door, he wasted no time pulling her into his arms, swiftly closing the door behind her and backing her up against it, his mouth on hers in an instant. This was the moment he’d been waiting for all day, this was what kept him sane amidst all the chaos. Now, he swore not even God could stop him from having her. Unless…

„Javi” she pulled away just enough to look up at him, gently but firmly pushing him away. „Not tonight.”

He raised an eyebrow at her but loosened his grip around her, giving her some space. It was unlikely of her to decline him, but now that he took his time looking her up and down, he could tell something was off. She looked pale, her eyes were glassy and the usual sass and confidence she carried were gone.

„What’s wrong?” he asked, concern evidient in his voice. Sometimes even he himself was surprised by how soft he could be with her. But he couldn’t help it. He reached up with one hand to gently cup her cheek, coaxing her to meet his gaze.

„I…I’m not feeling well. Just a bit under the weather.” she murmured, looking away from him briefly before returning her gaze, seeming nervous, as if debating whether she should say more or not.

„Just sick… like what I had last week.” she finally added. He didn’t say anything just nodded, however, the concern didn’t fade from his eyes.

„At least let me get you something” he offered as he walked her over to his brown leather couch.

„What can you get me from a kitchen that’s always empty?” she replied, her tone laced with a hint of sarcasm. He grunted, turning away to hide the smirk forming on his face. She knew him too well. The fridge was indeed empty except for a few bottles of beer, but he managed to find some old teabags at the back of a cupboard. He didn’t bother boiling water – hell, he didn’t even know where or if he had a kettle - , so he run hot water from the tap, filled a mug and tossed a teabag in it.

„Javier Peña making me tea? Who would have thought I’d see the day…” she teased, her mood lifting just a little as she took the mug from his hands with a small smile.

He looked at her, still feeling a bit helpless, wishing he could make her feel better and take away whatever was bothering her. He couldn’t explain it, but there was an unease in her that hadn’t been there before - a hidden anxiety that she had either hidden very well from him or that had only recently appeared. She didn’t look like someone with the flu or a virus. She looked… uncharacteristically nervous.

He wanted to ask her if something had happened that scared her or made her feel unsafe. Maybe someone had been following her around, or even worse, threathened her. Things like that weren’t uncommon in Bogotá. Or she was nervous about going to Medellín. He just wished he knew how to ask her, how to offer her comfort, but shame on him, he didn’t know any method that didn’t involve getting her in his bed and burying himself between her legs. And she clearly wasn’t in the mood for that.

„So you gonna tell me what your plan is for me?” she had caught him eyeing her and broke the silence, pulling him from his thoughts.

„Sure. Right.” he sighed and sat down next to her on the couch. As he started explaining why this weekend was important for them, he reached for a cigarette and lit it. He took a drag and exhaled, the scent slowly filling the space between them as he talked.

Helena had never been bothered by the smoke; they’d even shared cigarettes quite often on evenings like this. But now, she wrinkled her nose at the smell and was about to make a comment on his chainsmoking habits when suddenly clutched at her stomach with one hand while the other flew to cover her mouth. She forced herself to collect herself long enough to stand up and make it to his bathroom.

Now Javier was even more puzzled than before. He stood up from the couch, helplessness taking over him once again. He crushed the cigarette in the ashtray on the coffee table and decided to wait a little, giving her privacy to take care of herself. He heard her moving around in the bathroom and flushing the toilet, but when a few more minutes passed and she still hadn’t come out, he decided he just couldn’t bear to stand there helplessly, without at least trying to help her.

„Helena?” Javier knocked softly on the bathroom door. „Do you need anything?”

For a moment there was only silence, but then he heard her speak in a weak, low voice.

„Can you get me my meds? It’s in my bag, I left it on the couch.”

He quickly walked back to the couch, grabbed the black leather bag and opened it, rummaging through its contents, but he couldn’t find what she asked for. Frustrated, he spilled the contents of her bag on the couch; keys, wallet, a lipstick, earrings, drawings from Mateo, checks to pay, a medical report…

A medical report. He hadn’t meant to pry. He was just spilling everything out of that goddamn bag to get the medication for her as quickly as he could, but now he had seen it, and his eyes were glued to it. Glued to the medical report, with „pregnancy confirmation” reading at the top of the piece of paper that had crumbled at the corners.

Javier lifted it up and just stared, a knot forming in his stomach. It was as if his world – that was already filled the consistent presence of danger, stress and chaos, and wasn’t in need of a new layer of complication – froze. She was pregnant. His Helena was pregnant.

It can’t be. Not her. Not now.

He felt the blood drain from his face and the room started spinning around him. He didn’t register hearing her calling his name from the bathroom or walking to the living room to see what was taking him so long. When he came to, he saw her standing a few feet away, her beautiful face filled with horror, and a hand clasped over her mouth - not because of the nausea this time. She was looking at him and he knew she knew he discovered what she had been keeping from him.

„When were you going to tell me?” his voice was hoarse from the schock when he finally spoke, emotions chasing each other inside him; anger, fear, betrayal, helplessness…

„When?” he repeated more forcefully when she didn’t answer.

„I… I wasn’t.”

He couldn’t find the words to say, his expression cold as stone. He was frozen.

„It’s yours, Javi.” she whispered, her voice breaking.”The baby…it’s yours.”

He already knew. He didn’t know how, but he knew. He knew it the moment his eyes spotted the pregnancy confirmation she clearly hadn’t meant for him to see. He sanked down on the couch, burying his face in his palms, feeling his heart pound in his chest. He wasn’t prepared for this. A child. His child. Their child. What was he supposed to do with that?

He couldn’t believe she wanted to keep this from him. He knew he wasn’t the type of man to provide stability and a loving home for a family. He knew himself well enough to know he wasn’t cut out for that. Still, the thought of Helena hiding this from him, potentially for his whole life, made anger boil in him.

„Javi, please, say something…” she spoke in a low voice, desperately needing him to say whatever was on his mind, to end this heavy silence.

„How could you keep this from me?”

„I thought you wouldn’t want to know.” she replied, her eyes welling up.

„Wouldn’t want to know?” he jumped to his feet and started pacing the room that suddenly felt too so small, his voice rough with frustration. „You don’t get to decide that. Don’t you think I at least have the right to know?”

„And what would be the point of that?” she exclaimed, raising her voice and taking a step toward him. „You are all about your job and sleeping around. If you can’t commit to me, how could you commit to a baby? What do you know about raising a child? It’s not like you are part of their life when you feel like it, when you want to make time for them between your informants. It’s not like you can disappear when you get bored or scared or whatever the hell it is. You can’t suddenly change your mind and decide this is not the life you want to live, and then think you can just solve everything by sending me a fucking check every month.”

Tears were streaming down her cheeks now and his heart broke at her desperate monologue, each word a knife to his chest. And it hurt even more because he knew he deserved everything she threw at him. He had given her every reason to think that way about him. He could have changed that, though. He could have admitted to himself what she meant to him and what he felt for her. And he could have told her. Had he been honest with himself - and with her -, maybe she would have felt she could trust him with this, even though she knew this was not the life he planned.

What life he planned for himself, he didn’t know anymore. He had become so caught up in chasing Escobar that it seemed to be the only purpose in his life. He’d never seriously considered fatherhood, not even with Lorraine. He never really thought about it. He wasn’t strictly opposed to the idea of having kids one day, but he never seriously considered starting a family with someone, either. But suddenly, the situation had presented itself, without him asking for it. And it was something both of them were responsible for.

And while he was still upset with her, his anger toward her began to fade, replaced by an even stronger anger at himself. For not being honest with her, for not making her feel like she could trust him. A wave of guilt washed over him as he imagined how lonely and terrified she must have felt, carrying this burden alone in a word filled with danger and cruelty. He thought about all the times she was there for him, letting him find comfort in not only her body, but in her company, too. She was always there to listen to him or just hold him in silence when words felt too heavy to say… And now he wanted to be there for her, too. He didn’t want her to face this alone… He wanted to wrap her in his arms and tell her that he would be there for her, that they would get through this together.

„You can’t go to Medellín.” he blurted out finally, his voice much calmer.

„Seriously, Javier? That’s all you’ve got to say?”

„Helena- „ he started, but she interrupted him.

„Well, let me enlighten you” she snapped. „Now I’ll need to take care of not one, but two children on my own. I need that fucking visa.”

„You aren’t on your own, Helena” he said softly, taking a few steps toward her until he was close enough to touch her.

Her breath hitched as his words took her by surprise and she looked up at him, eyes filled with disbelief and hesitance. This wasn’t the answer she was expecting to hear from him. But she was listening, waiting for him to continue.

This was his chance to make things right.

„I…I know I’m not the best person to do this with, but I want you to know that you are not alone in this.” he took a breath, taking a second to steady himself in this moment of intensity. „Fuck, I don’t know how to say this right, and I know you deserve better, but I just want you to know that you are all I think about. There is none else. And you are wrong if you believe I can’t commit to you.”

The words tumbled out of him, raw and uncomposed - but finally, honest. Javier watched her gaze soften and fill with more surprise, and a hint of relief and hope. She looked so vulnerable like this, and he wanted to tell her more, say the words that were trapped on his tongue, but they wouldn’t come. Instead, he raised a finger to lift her chin, his thumb gently stroking her cheek and she let him, seeking comfort in his touch and his confession. She stepped closer to him until she could feel the warmth of his breath. The air in the dimly lit room had shifted, the tension between them slowly beginning to dissolve. Javier tentatively wrapped an arm around her waist, as if to test the waters and she responded by placing one of her small hands on his arm, feeling the muscles under the thin material of shirt.

„I’m sorry I didn’t say anything” she breathed after a few moments of hesitation, darting her eyes away from his face. „I didn’t want you to feel forced to be part of something you never wanted.”

„No” he traced her bottom lip with his thumb „I’m sorry I didn’t make you feel like you could tell me anything.”

What he did next surprised both her and himself. Gently, he placed a hand on her stomach. It was still too early for anything to show, but his trembling fingers traced it knowing the little life they had created was already there, growing. The touch was tender, laced with fear and a newfound curioustiy, mirroring the overwhelming swirl of emotions inside him. But amidst it all, he also felt something new, something he couldn’t quite put a name to. And in that quiet, intimate moment a bond formed between them – not only between him and Helena, but between him and this child whose existence had just been revealed to him so very recently.

Helena watched him, completely moved. She almost had to force herself to pull her gaze back just enough to meet his, the final question lingering in her eyes.

„Javi…” she started. „If we are going to do this, need you to be all in. I need all of you.”

He understood what she was asking for. She was asking for what they’d both been secretly yearning for, something Javier had been afraid to admit even to himself. He could barely believe he needed an unexpected twist of fate like this to muster up his courage to face his feelings. He never thought he would ever feel ready, he still didn’t. He was still afraid he would mess it up. But he knew that he didn’t want to let her down, he wanted to be there to protect her and make her happy. And he might not have been dreaming of becoming a father, but standing there with her in that moment, it was as if suddenly all the pieces they had created together over the past few months had fallen into place.

„I meant what I said about committing to you. I want to be there for you. I… I want to be with you.” he said, looking her in the eye.

„I want to be with you, too.” a smile formed on her face.

He responded by bringing his lips to hers, sealing his promise with a kiss that said more than words could. She kissed him back and in that moment, it felt as if nothing else in the world existed - no cartels to bring down, no danger to hide from, no fear, no pain - just the two of them in each other’s arms in his quiet apartment that, for the first time, felt more than just four walls.

[rodeo-boots]

hello my dear! i was hoping if i could request some charthur! in many fics i see arthur constantly being comforted by charles, but never the other way around... so many, you could write charles returning back to camp injured/tired, and arthur has to care for him for the night? 🥺 i would love to see some trans!charles as well, but i won't ask for too much... nsfw is welcome, and as always, feel free to let your wonderful brain work its magic with any other ideas you have <3

Thank you so much for your request hny, I hope I did your idea justice <3

Rating: Teen and Up

Words: 3122

Warnings: mild gore, angst

AO3

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Beaver Hollow was a shithole. The air was humid and dense, the mood at camp even lower than the temperatures could get during the nights. Arthur positively hated it, wished they had another choice but to take camp at such a spot. Breathing was getting harder for him by the day and some nights, he rode out only to take a deep breath of fresh air in the wide open meadows elsewhere.

He much preferred being anywhere but at camp, preferred to be far far away from Dutch and Micah, from those friends of his – whatever they might be called. These days, he couldn't even exchange a proper word with Javier or Bill anymore, met with stubborn phrases of loyalty whenever he dared to cross their paths.

The only reasonable people left were getting ready to pack up and leave, and Arthur wished they had done so earlier. He wished Molly had taken that chance while she still had it, wished that John and Abigail and Jack would be long gone by now. Not much longer, and he wouldn't be able to help them anymore, would succumb to the illness nesting within his chest and die the death that's always been destined for him.

He only saw one glimpse of hope and that was Charles, Charles who's loyalty had never solely belonged to Dutch but to a life of freedom. His only reason for being here was the younger man these days, the younger man who rightfully preferred to be anywhere but here himself. He had work on his hands, had assigned himself way too many tasks at once, trying to help out the Wapiti reservation while wanting to provide for the last folks at camp here.

Arthur wished he could help him, but just like Sadie, Charles treated him as though he was already standing in the grave.

Today, Arthur was solely here to catch up with Charles, like he was most of the time. He missed him, missed the times they had once spent together in a past that had been much better than what one might dream up now. All they could do was dream at this point, though Arthur's sleep was plagued by nightmares most of the time.

He had waited an entire day, had asked Sadie just before she could ride off to town. No one knew where Charles was, and by the time Micah saw him trail around camp like a lost puppy one time too many, he took it upon himself to finally give him an explanation.

"Your sweetheart's out huntin', got a little caught up it seems." The man grinned at him with his foul, yellow teeth, Arthur rewarding him with a grunt before he turned on his heel. If that was the case, and Charles had been out for days by now, something couldn't be right. The man was the best hunter they had, the best tracker left at camp. And no one seemed to care about the prospect of having lost him.

Arthur shook Micah off his tail, climbing into the saddle of his horse without missing a beat. Even though he wasn't as talented a tracker as Charles, the man had taught him a few tricks in the past, hopefully enough to come in handy now. He departed without looking back, spurring on his stallion with his heels firmly pressed into his flanks. Arthur snapped the reins, further on edge now than he had been all day. He had a bad feeling about all of this.

It took a while until he had picked up a trail of hooves, unsure if he even could identify them accordingly. His vision swam more regularly these days, his head feeling heavy as he peered down the side of his horse. He felt like he was getting sea-sick but he pushed on nonetheless, having only one goal in mind and that goal being Charles' safety.

All the time they had known each other, they had guarded one another's back better than their own. Arthur had no problem watching out for his friend, though Charles was way more than that to him.

They had ridden out together one too many times, had shared too many stories of the past and plans of the future to consider their relationship as professional and distant as it was meant to be. Often enough, they had kept each other warm at night, had shared their secrets and their doubts, and had listened to what the other had upon his heart.

Arthur's own now beat frantically in his chest. He hadn't noticed how tears had begun to cloud his vision the further he rode. It might be the wind stinging in his eyes, but the air was perfectly still. He brushed the back of his hand over his eyes, blinked, caught his breath and pushed onward. After all the time that had passed, he couldn't be sure how far Charles might've ridden, least of all with a fast horse like Taima beneath him.

He just hoped they were okay.

Day soon shifted into night, and without a trail to follow now that his eyes were no longer of use, Arthur decided to settle down. He didn't bother setting up his tent, didn't bother with much more than a small campfire to stay warm. His nose was running within the cold but he ignored that, too, staring down at his own two feet while his arms loosely hugged his knees to his chest.

A sound from aside tore him out of his thoughts, made his head snap up and his hand instinctively drop to his gun belt. "Who's there?" He asked, rasped more accurately, coughing against the scratchiness of his throat. Maybe he really shouldn't be out here, but it was much too late to turn back around.

He pushed himself up, his bicep quivering beneath his weight, the rustling within the bushes stopping, until a figure pushed through all the way. "Arthur?" He could identify Charles' voice well enough, would never be able to forget it, cursing under his breath as he stumbled to his legs to catch him. The man had to have found him with the last of his strength, had to have followed the smoke and the scent of the campfire until he'd eventually seen him.

Arthur couldn't tell what was wrong from one glance alone, pulling Charles closer to the campfire to examine him. It was dark by now, cold, the humidity making way for temperatures that were much too cruel for most humans to endure. But Arthur knew he was going to die anyways.

"Christ– what's happened t'you?" He muttered, not even daring to ask where Taima might be now. Charles' shirt was left in pieces, torn and bloodied, scratches and what appeared like bitemarks upon his skin. "A cougar?" Arthur asked, laying his friend's head down in his lap while peering down at him with concern in his eyes. The tears were back, but he didn't acknowledge them.

"Murfrees," Charles' voice came, little more than a gust of air, meeting Arthur's cheek as he spoke. The man tried to sit himself up, pushing at Arthur's upper arm to give him space. And while Arthur backed away enough to allow him to breathe, he didn't let him put any more strain on his wounds. He hadn't gotten much of a look at them until now. "What're you doing out here, Arthur? You shouldn't–"

Arthur softly shook his head, muffling a cough with the back of his hand. "Don't talk," he muttered, grabbing for the knife on his belt to help the other man out of his shirt. "S'this okay?" He asked quietly before bringing the blade to the hem of Charles' shirt, watching him swallow until he got a small nod in reply.

His lungs rattled when he exhaled, leaning further above his friend to cut through what was left of his shirt, his breath catching at the gruesome sight of his torso. "How bad's it hurt?" he murmured, catching onto the sweat upon Charles' forehead and the strain in his eyes. He knew he had to act fast if he wanted to help him, able to see that his wounds already had started to swell and shape bruises. When his friend only hummed, his eyelids fluttering in a way that made Arthur's chest constrict painfully, he reached for his satchel right away, pulling out the last bit of alcohol he carried.

Arthur didn't wish to do anything that might make his friend uncomfortable, but he couldn't exactly ignore the deep gashes on his chest, mumbling an apology while ripping fabric off his shirt and drenching it in alcohol. "Hold still," he advised, biting down on his lower lip as he started to clean up the wounds, applying minimal pressure and stopping every time Charles stirred beneath him.

He had never seen the other man in so much pain, had never seen him as vulnerable to begin with, cursing under his breath when he didn't find a set of bandages where he had thought they'd be. "Hang on–" Arthur got to his legs, cushioning Charles' head on his rolled-up bedroll before stumbling over to his horse, his vision clouded by black and white specks.

These days, he couldn't move as swiftly as he was used to anymore, grabbing the saddle for support and gritting his teeth, his free hand slipping into his saddlebag to blindly feel around for the bandages he hoped he carried. He returned to Charles' side right away, falling to his knees in front of him, not caring for the mud that smeared his shins and knees, hands shaking as he unraveled the bandages.

"You'll be alright– jus' hold on," he kept on muttering, even though Charles' eyes had long since fallen shut, his breaths much too shallow for him to see. "It's okay, please…" he wrapped the bandages around his torso, covering all the open gashes he could find, his muscles quivering when he lifted Charles' body ever so slightly. The man was deadweight in his arms, Arthur's lip trembling while his throat grew tighter, swallowing down a sob when he laid the other man down again.

Arthur took off his jacket, covering Charles as well as he could before taking his hands off of him entirely. "Charles? Charles… are you with me?" He couldn't stop himself from reaching out, cupping the man's cheek in his hand, his features peaceful, though that wouldn't calm Arthur just now. His skin looked much too pale, what he could see of it through the illumination of the campfire light at least, running his thumb over his chin as his eyes stayed on the other man.

"Don't you give up on me now," he whispered, his eyes glazing over further. "I– I need you, Charles." And while he knew that the other man was unable to hear him, Arthur couldn't stop talking, the panic within his chest spiking the longer he didn't get a response. "I promised you I'd get you out of here– that we'll run away, make a life for ourselves out West." His breath rattled, a sob leaving his chest after all. Arthur dropped his head to Charles' shoulder, his hands holding onto the man's upper arms.

He tried to calm his breathing, hot tears streaming down his cheeks to seep into the jacket he had covered the other man with. "You can do it– you have to," he mumbled, his voice barely audible through the tightness of his throat. "I still— I still haven't told you I love you." His shoulders shook, keeping his face buried within Charles' shoulder as he stayed hunched over, not caring for how hard it was to breathe like this.

*

The night had grown darker and colder around them, merely sounds of nature audible after Arthur had passed out from exhaustion. His hand held Charles' in a loose grasp, body curled up by the other man's side to offer him more warmth. The tears had left salty traces upon Arthur's cheeks, his lashes sticking together though he had no strength to open his eyes either way.

Maybe he'd die out here, with Charles by his side, wishing and praying the man hadn't passed away already. Arthur couldn't bear the thought that he might still be breathing while his friend wasn't, the worth of his own life much less than what Charles had amounted to by now. He had only ever wished for his friends and family to be safe, for his loved ones to escape this cruel and harsh life, but it seemed there was no escape. For even when Dutch wasn't involved, people got hurt.

Arthur didn't feel how the other man's fingers moved within his grasp, how Charles squeezed his hand tighter and stirred by his side. He was far gone by now, captured by a deep sleep he hasn't had any way to fight.

It only was with a tightening hold on his shoulder that he eventually woke, turning his head away as he rasped out one cough after another into the crook of his elbow. "Arthur." Charles' voice sounded faint, like it came from far away, even if the man laid right by his side. Arthur turned again, heaving his breaths as he rolled onto his back, his gaze meeting that of the man next to him.

He swallowed thickly, knowing that his eyes had to be reddened and puffy, not only from his illness but because of the crying he had done previously. "You look… horrible," Charles whispered, letting go of his shoulder to reach down and take his hand again. His fingers were clammy, but undeniably alive where they held onto Arthur's.

"I was always ugly," Arthur responded, wheezing out a laugh that turned into another cough before he knew it. He pushed himself up into a sitting position, relief encompassing his expression, though he knew that there was no reason to believe that the worst was overcome just now. "Let's get you home," he muttered, weakly whistling for his horse that had to be somewhere nearby. They had to leave this place, get Charles back to camp to try and stitch him up, hoping that they still had the supplies to do so.

Charles held onto him, not letting go even as Arthur tried to stand, softly shaking his head when he turned to look back down at him. "Leave me," he said. "I'll only be baggage to carry–"

But Arthur wouldn't hear that. "I ain't rode out here to abandon you," he grunted, gathering Charles in his arms as well as he could, his horse already waiting by their side. "We'll get you to camp, get you back on your feet and fix this." It was hard to maneuver Charles onto his horse, the man barely able to keep himself on his own two legs. He managed, anyhow, stubbornly bringing his own body into the saddle behind the man to make sure he wouldn't fall.

"We– we don't got supplies at camp. Don't make it hard on yourself, you can't… safe everyone." Charles' head lolled back against his chest, Arthur dearly trying not to listen to the words he had spoken in an attempt to stay composed.

"Then I'll bring you to the reservation, Rains Fall will—"

"I'm not gonna take anythin' away from them." Arthur snapped the reins, pushing his heels against the flanks of his horse to get the stallion going.

He stayed quiet, brows furrowed while he concentrated on the path ahead, leading his horse through the trees as fast as he could. "I'll get you to a doctor then… just hold on." Charles didn't raise his voice again, so Arthur focused on riding for now, unwilling to face the thought of leaving his friend anywhere to die.

*

They arrived in Annesburg before the sun had crept too high up in the sky, Arthur stopping a man on the streets to ask for directions to the nearest doctor's office. He had slung an arm around Charles' middle to try and keep him from falling off his horse, the man seemingly passed out once again.

Urgently, Arthur followed the directions he had been given, yelling for someone to come help him once he had found the building that had been pointed out to him. From there on out, everything happened much too fast. There were hands helping him off the horse, hands that pulled Charles from his grasp before he could do or say anything. He only saw how the other man was led away from him before he collapsed on the wooden porch to the building, waving people away that tried to pull him back to his feet.

*

Arthur woke in a bed with clean white sheets. The room was lit by sunlight, smelling of disinfectant and cleanliness. He stirred, his head pounding nastily when he tried to sit up upon the mattress. His first thoughts belonged to Charles, though he didn't need to search for long until he saw the other occupied bed within the room, grunting as he swung his legs over the edge to stand.

With uncertain steps, he made his way over to the other man, his clothes different from before, white and clean, feeling like nothing he had ever worn in his life. Arthur sat himself down on the chair by Charles' side, able to see that his clothes had been changed, too, the visible bandages around him clean.

He reached over, taking one of the hands the man had rested upon his stomach. His motion seemed enough to rouse him, Charles' eyes blinking open slowly, the dark orbs meeting Arthur's own soon enough.

"You okay?" Charles asked, his voice heavy from disuse.

Arthur stared down at him, shaking his head in disbelief before bringing the man's hand to his lips to kiss his knuckles. "You's the one who nearly died, and you're askin' me if I'm fine." The corners of Charles' mouth lifted ever so slightly, Arthur releasing a light sigh. It was a relieved sound, fueled by his belief that now everything would turn out to be okay.

"What you said to me before, in the forest. Did you mean that?"

Arthur had to think for a moment, not having expected Charles to have heard any of his words at the time, nor for him to remember now. He nodded, kissing the back of Charles' hand once again. "Every word," he whispered, not embarrassed on behalf of what had left his mouth in a moment of desperation.

"Good." Another brief smile passed over Charles' features. "Because I do, too. And I want to keep living." He disentangled his fingers from Arthur's, reaching up to gently grasp his jaw. "With you."

[knivesareout]

steve murphy nsfw alphabet

because steve murphy fucks and @emmikmil​ and i will not stand for that slander any longer!! anyway, this is a collab with em and i and we love steve and just boyd as a whole. 

2.5k words of filth about our favorite hillbilly DEA agent! enjoy xx

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

It doesn’t matter if it was soft and slow or hard and rough, Steve is always on top of the aftercare. After taking a few minutes to catch your breath he’s there with a warm rag to clean you up. He’ll make sure you have water and will tuck you into bed before crawling in after with cuddles, kisses and plenty of praise. His first priority is taking care of you and making sure you’re okay.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Steve favors his hands and what he can do with them. How well he can manipulate your body with just a single flex of his wrist. The long digits of his fingers always reach places you can never seem to reach and how the veins on the top of his hand are more prominent when he’s pulling your hips against his or tightening around your throat when he fucks you from behind. 

As for his favorite body part on you, well. Steve’s a boob guy. And a thigh guy. And really, just anything soft. He’s constantly staring at any piece of exposed skin when you’re out in public, licking his lips in anticipation for more. He loves nuzzling into your belly after eating you out, rubbing the scruff of his facial hair on the soft skin. Your pussy is also a favorite of his- the warmth, the sensitivity of just a whisper of a touch making you instantly wet and leaving evidence across his mouth.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

Steve definitely has preferences where he cums. Always safety first: with a condom in a newer relationship. If well established he loves to cum inside of you and watch it leak out after, before licking it all back up. He won’t not deny his other favorite is seeing your face dripping with him. Ruining your pretty face with his release, marking you as his. He loves scooping the cum off your face and feeding it to you, watching you suckle his fingers, cleaning them. Any opportunity for either of you to eat his cum he’ll take.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

He loves the thrill of public sex. The thought of someone seeing him fingering you under the table, your panties pushed to the side. It’s lucky most places are louder otherwise the table over would hear the wet noises coming from between your thighs. He loves pushing you up against a wall in a semi-secluded place in the hopes someone might see you desperately riding his thigh because he left you high and dry during dinner. You never know what to expect when he calls you at work with the amount of times he’s left you breathless with his words, trying to get you worked up.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

Steve definitely has experience, the most being in college. As he’s gotten older he definitely doesn’t sleep around as much. He’s very much a relationship man, enjoying the learning process of what you like, what makes you tick, etc. He has skill and once he learns the ins and outs of your body? He can play you like a well tuned instrument.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

Any position where Steve can look at you when you cum is his favorite. He loves seeing you falling apart for him and seeing what he does to you is his biggest turn on. The desperate look on your eyes as you silently beg him for more is something he always wants to see. Accessibility is also a factor- being able to kiss and nip along your body, bury his face into your neck and mark you. He does love it when you ride him and take what you need though, his hands on your ass to help you move along his cock.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

It really does depend on the moment. After a long day spent teasing each other, there’s no room for giggles. He’s focused and serious on pounding you into oblivion. Then there are the lazy weekend mornings where it’s spent rolling around in bed teasing, giggly and sweet. He can do both very easily and doesn’t really prefer one over the other.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

Steve’s decently groomed but he doesn’t have much body hair to begin with. He keeps things trimmed and neat, the thick and wiry hair just a darker shade of blonde. Not to mention he loves the feeling of a little tug on the hair there when you slide your hand down his pants before you grab his cock; not to mention seeing your nose buried in the hairs when you deep throat him is always a sight he loves to see.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

It doesn’t matter what kind of sex you two are having or how long the session lasts, his hands and lips rarely leave your body. Touch is Steve’s love language. He is very attentive and romantic, whispering his love and praises. If he has time to prep before he would absolutely light candles to set the mood.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

While he prefers release with you, he doesn’t mind taking things into his own hands when you’re busy. Steve’ll get lost in his own head at times with what new thing he wants to try with you and he’ll find himself hard. He likes to take his time when he’s jacking off, slow and tight strokes to emulate the feeling of your pussy before he starts to get desperate for his release. A sharp tug on his balls and he’s done for, white streaks on his chest and he pictures you cleaning it up, having to groan as his cock twitches with interest. 

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Steve has a fair few and highlighting some are:

Edging - Steve gets great enjoyment in seeing you writhe and pant as you get closer to coming and even more enjoyment in hearing your whines and breathless curses as he stops you just moments away from bliss. Edging you while he’s eating out is probably his favorite, hearing your moans with your thighs wrapped around his head and the solid grip in his hair. If you have the time he could spend hours between your legs, until you’re a blubbering mess wanting nothing more than to cum.

Breeding - This is the one kink he’s never told to another partner. He keeps this one under wraps, not even telling you until you both have the talk of starting a family and trying. When revealed, it’s not really a surprise to you. He just loves the thought of breeding you and seeing your belly grow with his baby. There would be nothing sexier to him than you pregnant, round with the clear evidence that he’s the cause.

Bondage - Having you at his mercy is a high for Steve. He’s done research into the best restraints to keep you comfortable, making sure they’re never too tight and always showing you a way to get out. Tying you to the bed and getting his mouth on you is a personal favorite, marking you and making you cum with your hands tied.

Voyeurism - Steve cannot get enough of watching you. Watching what gets you off, what parts of your body are more sensitive. It was how he first learned what got you off, watching you masturbate for him. Just watching you in general though makes his thoughts go off into a space where he’s thinking filthy things almost immediately. The most innocent things you do set him off, like rubbing your neck when you’re tired or the soft sigh you let out after a long day.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

Any place Steve can have you is a good place. Public or not, if he wants you then and there it’s happening. Up against the cabinets in the kitchen, bent over your desk at work during your lunch break, the seedy bathroom at the bar him and Javier frequent after a long day- it doesn’t matter to him. He does prefer a bed so he can lay you out and take his time, making you quiver and cry for him.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

It doesn’t take much to turn Steve on but, hearing the noises you make when he kisses your neck or fondles your breasts. Every whimper, gasp and soft whisper of his name gets him harder than anything. Steve also loves a challenge- loves when you challenge his authority, teasing him and pushing his buttons to get a reaction. 

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Anything that puts you or him at risk or in danger. Steve is all about making sure you’re comfortable and anything that even presses a boundary you don’t seem into, he’s instantly changing gears. With how much violence he sees in his day-to-day life, that’s a hard limit for him- seeing you hurt. He doesn’t want it turned back on him either, it’s an easy trigger.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Steve will never turn down a blow job from you but, he thrives between your thighs. He loves to eat you out and he has the skill to make you shiver with every stroke of his tongue and fingers. He won’t stop until his head is pinned in place by your thighs with your hands in his hair tugging him off you when it becomes too much.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

After a long day at work dealing with Javi and the ambassador and literally every other frustrating person he has to work with, Steve loves a good fast and rough fuck. It helps release the stored tension he keeps in his body. Weekends are when Steve can take his time with you. A long and slow Sunday morning fuck is his favorite, drawing it out until you’re shaking with your 3rd orgasm.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Quickies are a necessity during the week. Hurried touches in the shower before work and fucking you into the mattress before bed. It's definitely not his preferred way to fuck you but with a busy schedule he will take you however he can.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

Steve doesn’t mind a little bit of risk, especially for someone with an exhibitionist kink. He loves the thrill, gets off on it and it drives him crazy at the thought of someone seeing what he does to you. He loves to experiment- testing your body and what it can take and how it gets you going. Steve is always the one to bring up something new into the bedroom and you’re on board fully, trusting him implicitly with your pleasure.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

His stamina is something Steve prides himself on. Especially since his focus is always on you- how you’re feeling, making sure you’re getting your pleasure, he’s not worried about his own until he’s made you cum at least twice, if not more. There have been times when he’s let you take the reins and you’ve had him cumming so often he was orgasming dry but it’s not an often occurrence. 

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

What toys doesn’t Steve own is a better question. Well, you and him. You’d come with a few of your own toys: a trusty wand, a plug, a dildo- all things he loved using on you and watching you use. After some time you add small things: padded handcuffs, a silk mask, soft cotton restraints. 

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

It may be hard to believe but under the southern gentleman facade, Steve is the absolute biggest tease. The light tease in public and normal conversation is nothing compared to how he is in the bedroom. It can be teasing touches with his lips and hands or whispered taunts in your ear. He knows the teasing and taunts rile you up like nothing else, and the man always aims to please.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Steve isn’t particularly loud, just soft grunts and shaky breaths but he loves talking. He’s a talker through and through and loves telling you just how good your body is treating him. How well you take his cock, how beautiful you look all fucked out after your 3rd orgasm, how fucking hard it makes him seeing his cum drip out of you. The talking had taken you by surprise the first time he spoke but now you can’t get enough, can’t deny how much more it turns you on.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

While Steve is most definitely the dominant partner in the bedroom, he does enjoy being pegged. He was extremely hesitant when you brought the idea up initially and it took awhile for him to consider it and be comfortable. Yet, once he actually tried it with you he felt like a changed man. The absolute bliss of being truly taken care of for a change was unreal to him. Plus he couldn't remember ever coming that hard in his life, he damn near blacked out.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

With being 6’2, Steve is pretty big in general. Long limbs, lean muscle, and a big cock. You’d been surprised when you first saw him naked, eyes wide. He was a shower and does he show. Sometimes Steve’ll lounge around in his dress pants from work and it’s so easy to tell when he’s turned on when he wears them, the outline clear as day against his thigh. 

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Steve's sex drive is pretty high, with the stress and adrenaline mixing low in his gut and sizzling when he comes home to you.  It’s almost funny how quickly he comes on to you, whispering something low and filthy in your ear when you’re doing chores around the house. Expect some kind of sex a minimum of 4 times a week.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Not too quickly because Steve is all about making sure you’re okay. Cleaned up, hydrated, and well taken care of before he can think about his own needs. After you’re tucked into his chest and breathing slowly does Steve even think about finally sleeping, a kiss to your forehead and closing his eyes.

[albertasunrise]

It's Yours - Chapter 3

Chapter 1, Chapter 2

Summary: You and Javier have been sleeping together for almost two years but after his name was leaked by the papers, he is sent home for investigation. You remain behind with Steve to catch Escobar but when he’s finally dead, you decide to go after the man you’ve fallen for. You don’t like what you find when you finally reunite with him.

Warnings: Angst, Kissing

Relationships: Javier Peña x Reader

Note: I picture that Si looks like Charlie Hunnam, hot but with the kindest eyes and face.

~

The guest house was beautiful. The wood panelling was whitewashed with two potted orange trees sat either side of the steps that lead up to the porch, a swinging bench hanging to the left and a small table and chairs say to the right of the front door. Javier unlocks the painted, white, door and leads you inside to the lounge with minimalistic decor. It was clear that the place wasn’t finished but it was certainly liveable.

‘The bedrooms are through here.’ He states as he motions with an open hand for you to follow.

He takes you down a long hallway. The first door to your left is a bedroom, its small with a single bed on one side and a desk and bookshelves on the other, then a little further on to the right is a bathroom, tiled white with a large double shower, clawfoot bath and double sink. Javier watches you as you admire each room you pass. He comes to a stop next to a door at the far end of the hall and you glance at him before heading inside. The room’s walls are painted a warm shade of red with a four-poster bed stood proudly within. A door sat in the centre of the wall opposite the bed with a wardrobe on one side and a dresser on the other, both the same rich shade of brown as the bed.

‘This is beautiful Javi.’ You say as you turn to look at him, noting his nervous expression.

‘The place isn't finished yet but I hope you’ll be comfortable here.’ He states ‘Well at least until you find a place or whatever.’

‘I’m sure I will be.’ You reply with a smile.

‘There’s no food in the fridge, didn’t get a chance to buy anything in but Pops has invited you to dinner tonight if you want to join us.’ He pauses as he studies your expression ‘Unless you and Si have plans.’

‘Si’s working tonight.’ You reply and he nods ‘I’d love to join you and your father. Be nice to get to know our baby’s grandpa.’

Javier’s heart tugged at the mention of the tiny being growing inside of you, the being that he had helped create but then his heart ached a little as he remembered that you wouldn't be raising this baby together. He showed you where the towels were and how all the appliances in the kitchen worked and then left you alone. You took your time looking around a little more before picking up the phone to call Si liked you'd promised.

‘Hey, baby.’ You say sweetly, grinning down the phone like a loon ‘I’m here. The place is lovely.’

‘That’s great baby.’ He replies ‘Everything okay? Not weird or anything?’

‘Well of course things are a little weird.’ You chuckle ‘I’m pregnant with my partner’s baby and living in a guest house on his father’s ranch. No way for this not to be weird.’

Si chuckles in reply and you laugh along with him, chewing your bottom lip as you swoon over him.

‘He’s invited me to join him and his dad for dinner tonight.’ You start ‘Should probably get to know my baby’s only grandparent.’

‘Probably.’ Si teases ‘But I’m taking you for breakfast tomorrow morning beautiful.’

‘Oh, are you indeed?’

‘What?’ He chuckles ‘Can’t a guy treat his girl?’

‘So I’m your girl am I?’ You tease, eyebrows raised in feigned surprise.

‘I hope so.’

‘I hope so too.’ You grin ‘See you tomorrow handsome.’

‘Bye baby.’

You hang up the phone and practically shake with excitement. You’d not felt this excited about someone in a long time. Simon exhilarated you in a way that only Javi had before, but you hadn’t been Javier’s girl. You unpack your clothes and decide to take a walk around the ranch, surprised at how many animals Javi’s father has. You perch yourself on the bench that overlooks the two horses you’d seen that first day you came, smiling as they play and prance.

‘Those two never stop.’ Chuckles Javier as he walks up beside you.

‘Do you ride?’ You ask, glancing up at him as he watches the two mares play.

‘Yeah.’ He replies plainly as he looks down at you ‘You?’

‘Used to.’ You reply with a smile ‘Haven’t in years.’

‘Well, maybe we can go for a ride some time.’ He says sweetly and you smile at him.

‘I’d like that.’ You pause as you place your hand on your belly ‘I uh… I made an appointment to get a scan done. It’s on the 17th.’

‘Okay great.’ He replies as he perches himself on the edge of the bench.

‘I’ll probably need you to drive me. I need to return the car tomorrow.’ You state and he nods.

‘Do you need me to collect you tomorrow after you give it back?’

‘No Si’s coming with me.’ You reply, a pang of guilt rearing its head when you mention his name ‘He’s actually going to take me to breakfast tomorrow morning so I’ll be gone early.’

‘Oh right.’ He replies, unable to hide his disappointment.

‘What?’

‘It’s nothing.’ He replies, giving you an unconvincing smile.

‘Javier I know when you’re lying. What is it?’

‘Pops bought a load of extra food in. He assumed as you had no groceries that you’d join us for breakfast too.’ He replies honestly, grimacing as he spoke.

‘I’ll cancel with Si.’

‘No don’t.’ Javier shakes his head ‘Why don’t you invite him? There’s plenty for us all. Pops won’t mind.’

‘Javi-.’

‘It’s fine really.’ He says, giving you a small smile ‘I better get back to work. There’s a really nice walk down that way.’ He says as he motions to a small dirt track ‘Just don’t leave the path. So easy to get lost.’

‘Okay.’ You reply as you watch him stand ‘Thanks.’

He gives you a brief nod and leaves, heart aching for you as he walks towards his truck. He doesn't want Si there but he knows that that man can offer you everything he can't so he has to accept he's lost you to the nicest man he knows.

~

‘Chucho, these are the best Enchiladas I have ever eaten!’ You gush and the man grins at you ‘Actually Javi made these.’

‘You can cook?’ You make no attempt to hide your surprise.

‘Yeah well, I’m Mexican. Cooking was forced onto me from a young age.’ He chuckles.

‘Well, these are delicious Javi.’ You smile ‘At least I know the baby will eat well when it visits.’

Javier’s face drops at this and you feel your stomach twist. You hadn't really discussed what the arrangement was going to be. It was a little early on to be thinking about it but you’d somewhat assumed that you would move back to DC and the baby would come to visit during the holidays. The distance is a bit much for alternating weekends.

‘Have you thought about what you want it to be?’ Asks Chucho, trying to relieve some of the tension.

‘Not Fussed’ ‘Girl’

You look up and Javier in shock, a small smile tugging at your lips.

‘You want a girl?’ You question ‘Didn’t know you’d given it any thought.’

He shrugs as he chews ‘I dunno… I've just always thought if I have a kid, I’d like it to be a girl. Boy’s are hard work.’ He chuckles.

‘You really not thought about it Chica?’ Asked Chucho, smiling at you.

‘Honestly, as long as it’s healthy I’m happy.’ You reply, smiling back at him.

‘Javi said your boyfriend is joining us for breakfast.’ You nearly choke on your food at this statement, you’d not labelled him yet.

‘Uh… yeah.’ You reply ‘If that’s okay with you.’

‘Not a problem.’ He replies ‘Plenty of food.’

‘Thank you, Chucho.’

Dinner goes by with relative ease. Some leftovers get wrapped up for you, you thank Chucho for a wonderful evening and then Javier walks you back to the guesthouse, casserole dish in hand. Stopping beside the front door you take the dish for Javi and smile sweetly at him, willing your heart to slow down.

‘Thank you, Javi.’ You start, feeling your heart flutter a little as he looked at you with his expressive brown eyes ‘Was a really lovely evening.’

‘Glad you enjoyed yourself.’ He replied ‘Goodnight.’

He leans in and kisses your cheek, your heart stopping as his soft lips make contact with your skin. You let out a shaky breath as he pulls away, just enough that he can look you in the eye and you find your gaze flitting between his lips and his glittering brown orbs. In the blink of an eye, his lips are on yours, kissing you with fervour and after the initial shock, you’re then kissing him back. Then your brain catches up with you and you push him away with your free hand, chest heaving as you feel tears forming.

‘We can't do this Javi.’ You sob.

‘Hermosa-.’

‘No… We can’t.’ You interrupt ‘I’m with Si. I care about him and he doesn't deserve this.' You pause as you wipe your tears with the back of your hand 'Goodnight Javier.’

You quickly unlock the door and disappear inside and leaving a heartbroken man in your wake.

~

‘You don’t have to do this baby.’ You say as you walk towards the main house with Si at your side ‘Still time to back out.’

‘Well, I should probably get to know the sober version that is the father of my girlfriends baby.’ He states and your heart skips a beat ‘If this is heading where I think it is then we’ll be seeing a lot more of each other.’ He finishes as he spins you around to kiss you passionately, beard tickling your lips and making you giggle.

‘Girlfriend eh?’ You question with a wink.

‘That okay?’

‘More than.’ You reply as you place a sweet kiss on his lips.

You knock on the door three times and you’re greeted by Chuchos smiling face ‘You didn’t tell me Si’s your man!’ He exclaims as he gives the man a friendly pat on his shoulder.

‘Good to see you Chucho.’ Replies Si as he grins at him.

‘Come in, come in!’ He says excitedly as he motions you in with his hand.

The table is covered in food and you can’t help but smile at the effort that’s been made. Javier is busy at the stove and you make your way over to him, peering at the pan and seeing that he’s making scrambled eggs.

‘Good morning.’ He says with a smile and you wonder if he’s forgotten about what happened last night.

Then the smell hits you and your stomach rolls. You say nothing, just make a b-line for the bathroom and Javier’s face drops as he watches you run. Si sprints after you and holds your hair as you empty the contents of your stomach, letting out a sob as you try to breathe through it.

‘You okay?’ Si asks as he rubs comforting circles on your back.

‘What happened?’ Asks a flustered Javier as he appears in the doorway.

‘Morning sickness.’ Replies Si as you rest your head remains resting on your forearm ‘She gets set off by the smell of eggs and Coffee.’

‘Shit I-.’

‘You didn’t know man it’s fine.’ Interrupts Si and Javier nods before leaving, not wanting you or him to see the tears forming in his eyes.

He feels like he should know these things. You’re carrying his baby yet the local barman knows more about your triggers than him. You walk back in to the kitchen ans see him tossing the eggs into the trash and your brows furrow.

‘What are you doing?’

‘The smell makes you sick so we won’t eat them.’

‘You didn’t need to do that Javi.’

‘It’s fine Chica really.’ States Chucho ‘There’s still plenty of food.’

Si and Chucho talk each other’s ears off over breakfast but Javier doesn't say a word. You note that his eyes are bloodshot, that he keeps wiping his nose with his napkin and that he avoids any form of eye contact with you. You help clear up, hoping that it will give you a moment alone with Javier to talk but he doesn't say a word to you, doesn’t look at you and you feel yourself getting more and more irritated as it goes on.

‘Can I speak to you a moment?’ You say suddenly as you toss the drying cloth down and grab his arm, pulling him through the backdoor ‘What the fuck is your problem?’

‘What? He growls.

‘You’ve been in a shit mood all morning.’ You spit ‘I’m sorry that I got sick because of the eggs. You didn’t need to act like a child about it! You put this kid in me. You don’t get to be upset about some silly eggs.’

‘You think that's why I’m upset?’ He says, raising his voice a little ‘I’m upset because I don’t know what triggers morning sickness in the mother of my child and yet the local barman does. I’m upset that I won't get to raise my first kid with the woman I love. I’m upset that I’m not going to be able to do the feeds with you, the night changes... I’ll miss watching them grow, walk, probably talk. This is not how I imagined things would be when I finally became a father but it’s what I deserve right? I’m a bad man. I don’t deserve the perfect life with a wife and a baby. But he does!’ He finishes as he points at the closed door before he storms through it, leaving you speechless.

The woman he loves?

What were you supposed to do with that information?

You looked through the windows and saw him swiping up his keys and bidding his father and Si goodbye before leaving them as abruptly as he left you. Then your eyes drift to Si who’s looking at you with a sympathetic expression and your heart flutters. You’d waited years to hear Javi say that he loved you. It had been all you'd ever wanted but you also knew that he’d fuck it up. He wouldn’t be able to prioritise you and this baby. The job would always come first. Si was everything you’d ever wanted in a man. He was kind, loving, committed. He knew what he wanted and he would stop at nothing to get it and what he wanted is you. You could feel yourself falling hard from him already and that scared you because you had to decide. Do you want the man you’re in love with? The father of your child. Or do you want the man you’re falling in love with? The man who you know will give you everything you’ve ever wanted.

Time to decide.

~

Chapter 4

[guessimwritingficsagain]

Delightful, chapter Four (Javier Peña x reader)

Author’s note : James wasn’t supposed to take so much space but I felt it’d be better if he was here in the end. Let’s say that Reader didn’t see Javier from the day after Carrillo’s death to a few months after Javier’s return in Colombia.

Previously : Chapter one, Chapter two, Chapter three

------

You woke up expecting him gone, as always, but walked into the kitchen to the smell of coffee. Peña was sitting on the couch, a cup in hand. 

‘Still here ?’ 

Your voice was hoarse with sleep, so you went to get a cup of water. He got up and followed you, pouring you a mug of coffee and handing it to you. 

‘Yeah. Thought I’d stick around, to thank you.’ 

‘You don’t have to.’ 

‘Yes, babe, I do.’

He was chewing his bottom lip. You turned around. He was standing further than yesterday, a small fact for which you were glad, you mind briefly going back to that moment in bed. The shame didn’t sting as much. He looked better than the night before, even with his shirt crumpled and his hair all over the place. You never got to see him like this, you realized. 

‘Listen,’ he continued ‘what I told you last night … I shouldn’t have said it. You don’t need to know about that shit.’ 

‘It’s okay, Javier.’ 

You held his gaze for a while before turning to look at your living room. You wondered if he was still looking at you. You felt like he was. You longed to know if he wanted to lean in and brush his lips on your neck as much as you wanted him to. To regain your focus, to prevent the feeling from drowning you, you asked the exact opposite of what was on your mind :

‘We’re friends, right ?’ 

You heard the mug being set down on the counter and felt Javier shift, get closer. 

‘Well, you did finally learn my first name.’ He whispered, his breath hot on the side of your face. His torso was pressed on your shoulder now, and, just like last night, you regretted asking, not for the same reasons though. 

Now that you were on the edge, you weren’t quite so sure you want to take the leap. He made the decision for you, anyway :

‘Yeah, you got me there, babe. We’re friends.’ 

You turned your head sharply at that, and found him close, closer than you’d ever been. His hand came to your shoulder, eyes heavy, and his thumb settled right there, on your naked skin. He kept going, seemingly unbothered, and leaned in : 

‘If that’s what you want to be.’

He pressed a kiss to your temple then, as you grabbed one of his forearms like a lifeline. His moustache was soft against your skin and you wanted to stay in that moment forever. You were ready to take that leap, now, you realized. Your hand was about to move to his elbow to bring him closer when he whispered, lips still against your skin :

‘It’s better like that anyway.’

He gently took your hand, removed it from where it was grasping, and you let it fall at your side as you watched Javier Peña take his pack of cigarettes on the counter, light one, and announce :

‘See you around, babe.’ 

You didn’t see him for a year and then some, after that. 

The bookshop was a quiet, nice little place where you sometimes lost yourself during the day when things in your mind got blurry. You’d found yourself here more and more, those days. You knew from Connie that things at work were insane, but you felt hurt by Peña’s silence. You hadn’t seen him, spoken to him, in six months. 

You picked up a book you’d seen on those shelves countless times, in the English section, Women Who Run With the Wolves, and started reading random paragraphs here and there, when a voice interrupted :

‘It’s a good one, you should give it a shot.’ 

A man was standing there, at a respectable distance, a shy look on his face. You took a second to properly take him in : he cleaned up nice, was a gringo, obviously. Unsettled by your scrutiny, he put a hand through his blonde hair and explained :

‘I’ve seen you around before, and I’ve noticed we share some readings in common. So I thought I’d tell you about that one.’

‘You work here ?’ You asked. 

‘No,’ he shook his head, ‘but I’m around a lot.’ 

You inspected him a bit more, trying to remember him - if he’d seen you around, you’d seen him around, obviously. Something was indeed vaguely familiar about him, so you took the bait, thinking what the hell : 

‘Okay, so what’s it about ?’ 

He had some interesting things to say about it, and he spoke in a pleasant voice. You could tell he was used to talking to people, maybe in a professional way too : he had some kind of teacher thing going for him. When you asked, he confirmed : English teacher at university. 

You crossed paths, after that, always falling in nice, uncomplicated conversations. Your mind supplied, once, as James was talking about his last class, that this man wouldn’t come home to tell you of colleague of his had died on the job. Your thoughts went to Peña, then, about the deafening silence, about what you saw on the news everyday. 

What the hell, you thought again. 

So when James asked you out for coffee, you said yes. 

You settled into some kind of routine. It was nice, grounding, a good contrast to what was going on in the country. You’d still wake up, sometimes during the night, thinking Javier but you never picked up the phone to ask Steve or Connie, even though you grew more and more worried. You put all of that in the trashcan of denial, instead. Up until the day Pablo Escobar died. 

You picked up the phone, that day, hands shaking and heart pounding and dialed Steve’s number. The second you heard him say 

‘Murphy.’

You asked :

‘Javier, is he okay ?’ 

A silence, and then 

‘They sent him back home.’

They sent him back home.

You felt cold. You felt lost. And then you felt nothing. 

———

You woke up to someone pounding at your door, and that hadn’t happened for a long time. James, laying right next to you, startled awake and whispered :

‘Sweetheart, what’s going on ?’

You got up immediately, answering it’s fine without meaning it because with both Steve and Javier gone from the country you had no idea who was on the other side of that door. You put some clothes on, turning the light of the living room as you walked to the door and opened it carefully. 

Javier Peña was standing there, and like he hand’t been gone for more than a year, like you hand’t called Steve like a fucking grieving widow after months of silence to hear Javier was back in the States, he asked :

‘Your couch is available ?’ 

You said yes, because you could never say no to Javier. James came out of the bedroom as Javier came in, wondering :

‘What is it, sweetheart ?’ 

His eyes were moving from Javier to you. You explained :

‘An old friend. He needs to sleep here. Go back to bed.’ 

Javier stood eerily still for a second, then extended his hand for James to shake. As they greeted each other, you went to make the couch, hands slightly shaking. 

You let Javier settle on the couch, you let him reach your leg and squeeze it. You let him say :

‘I’m sorry.’

He knew that wouldn’t cut it. You let him have this moment of peace, though. You put a hand in his hair. You let go, eventually. Javier Peña was a thing of the past. You had something good going on, now. 

Except he wasn’t a thing of the past, not anymore. He’d show up to sleep on your couch once in a while and you had to buy him a new toothbrush (you remembered how long it took you to throw the old one in the trashcan). 

But, along with his toothbrush, you’d put Javier in the trashcan of denial, and now the lid was threatening to fly open. James had no problem with that mysterious man suddenly back into your life, even when he stopped by in the morning to bring you breakfast and found Javier here. When you finally had the courage to bring it up, he just explained I trust you. He was right to trust you, but you had some serious unpacking to do, some things to settle in yourself, and you didn’t want to.

Javier started showing up at the bar again, but you didn’t talk. That silence, that now defined your relationship, also put it in some kind of grey area, a neutral zone full of respectful distances and words about to burst but always contained. You didn’t exactly like it, but it was reassuring. You didn’t long for him the way you used to, because worry and anger had taken to much space in your non-relationship. It’d been easy to get angry, once you’d learnt Javier had been back for a while before he came to see you. You’d reasoned he didn’t care that much, after all. You’d allowed yourself to feel betrayed, even though that tiny voice always whispered you were being unfair, much like it had been whispering that at the beginning of your relationship with him. 

Everything must come to an end, though, even grey areas and unspoken agreements to never speak. It came unexpectedly, as one evening, James and his coworkers came by for a few drinks. Those nights were always nice because his friends were sweet and James always kissed you softly every time he came to order drinks. Usually, you didn’t like showing affection in public, but in those moments, you found you liked it. This night, in this bubble of you and him, you could allow yourself to pretend Javier Peña wasn’t worming his way into your relationship. Right then, you could pretend you didn’t think about him too much. You could swallow down the guilt you felt because James hadn’t a jealous bone in his body while you sometimes thought things you shouldn’t be thinking. The only thing you’d been willing to unpack so far was what you felt about James. You knew you loved him. You’d said it before. You loved him in a quiet, tranquil way, not at all in the way you felt about Javier. But you loved him. 

Javier sat down at the counter at some point during the night. You gave him a whisky, trying not to think too hard about the fact that this was the first time James and him were here at the same time, and then scolding yourself because there was nothing to be guilty of. James would still come to the counter to order something, he’d still kiss you, and Javier would still sit there in silence. 

Except that didn’t happen : when you took your break, Javier followed you, and, as you were lighting your cigarette, one in his mouth already, he decided to leave the grey area, and the trashcan of denial too.

‘I’m sorry I left like that, babe. After the last time we spoke, things went to shit and I didn’t want to involve you, in any way. I did some questionable things, but they got the job done. I’m sorry I never called, though. They sent me back and I just didn’t know what to do with myself.’

Even though you had taken a deep breath and had convinced yourself you were going to be put together, especially because he’d chosen the night James was in the bar to tell you this, you broke :

‘I thought you were dead. I had to call Steve. I thought about going to the DEA’s office to ask …’ 

You weren’t quite crying but your your voice was longing. Javier brought a hand to the back of your neck, bringing you closer. He whispered in your hair :

‘I’m so sorry, babe. Never meant to leave you like that. I thought a clean break was better than some phone call once in a while. We’ve seen some shit together, and I just felt it’d be a mercy to let you get on with your life. Murphy called me on my bullshit, though. You’ve been so good to me, but I wasn’t sure you wanted me back into your life.’ 

You could tell he felt uncomfortable saying all of this. He never spoke that much. You couldn’t identify exactly what you were feeling but you could feel the wave of all of it coming crashing down on you.

Your fingers found his shirt and grabbed it, You started crying, then, because Javier was back. 

———

You should have seen it coming but you didn’t. A month and a half later, while he was having a beer at your place, James announced :

‘We need to talk.’

And that took you by surprise (once again, it shouldn’t have). You’d came back to the counter that day with red eyes and had had to take a trip to the bathroom to fix yourself up. James never mentioned it but you blamed yourself for thinking he hadn’t seen it. But Javier had left right after your little talk so you’d convinced yourself the usual, comfortable bubble was back. And James never brought it up. Until this moment, you guessed. 

You put the beer down, as he said :

‘I’m not Javier Peña.’

Your world tilted at that, a mix of shit and fuck and this is not what you think going through your head. James beat you to it, though :

‘I know nothing happened. You’re too good for that. But I heard you that day.’

Something clicked in your mind, something you’d overlooked because you’d been so caught up in Javier Peña you’d forgotten about that little detail. James explained, anyway :

‘Usually, when you take a break and I’m at the bar, I come with you. But he was there first. I didn’t mean to listen but … He called you babe, and you let him, and he grabbed you by the neck and you let him even though you won’t let me take your hand in public because you hate that kind of shit. I heard he’s DEA. I’m not DEA, shit …’

His laugh was bitter as he went on :

‘It’s not that I’m not Javier Peña. I’m the opposite of Javier Peña. I love you, and I know you love me. And I could keep going like that with you because I could settle. I don’t mind being the second choice. But you I know you, you can’t settle, not with him back. I know you. You never really told me about him but it’s obvious. We got a nice thing going, but, if I asked you to marry me …’

You found your tongue, at that point, and urgently asked, the dread filling you almost overwhelming :

‘Were you planning on ?’

‘Before Peña, yes. I thought you were it, for me. But now, I know you’d say no.’

You wanted to prove him wrong so bad, you wanted to say that Javier was just an old friend but James read you better than almost anyone. So he kissed you on the cheek, took his stuff, and left.

Javier, of course, came by a few days later, noticed James’ toothbrush gone and asked :

‘What happened ?’

You answered :

‘Life.’

Because you couldn’t answer ‘you’.

Chapter five

----------------------------------------------

Tag list (don’t hesitate to ask to be added)

@pedritobalmando @amidjarin @ajeff855 @justpedropascal @sara-alonso @sarahjkl82-blog

[dornish-queen]

Pedro Pascal - La Vanguardia

With Javier Peña's mustache as his hallmark, the 'Narcos' and 'Game of Thrones' actor is filming in Budapest with Nicolas Cage and Paco León

Pascal, cultured, seductive and reflective, repeats as Loewe's ambassador for its Solo Mercurio perfume and is a model for 'Magazine Lifestyle'

SYLVIA MARTI   12/13/2020 06:00

 Casual striped jacket, tousled hair, exquisite punctuality, and a room in Budapest. There is something about this man, generous in smiles and answers, great talkative, attractive without clichés. Pedro Pascal, 45 years old and face success. He shot The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent in the Hungarian capital with Nicolas Cage and Paco León, who apparently encouraged the show a lot; We see him without seeing him in the Star Wars universe as a galactic bounty hunter in The Mandalorian and he is Maxwell Lord, the eighties villain of Wonder Woman 1984 , perhaps the only blockbuster that, if nothing goes wrong, will make us happy Christmas.

Session in Budapest The Chilean actor shoots 'The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent' in the Hungarian capital with Nicolas Cage and Paco León

(full article and photos under the cut)

Chilean by birth, his family left the country fleeing the Pinochet dictatorship when he was a baby. Brief passage through Denmark and new life in San Antonio (Texas). Normal when speaking in your mother tongue some words in English slip through. Think before answering a question without losing spontaneity or being afraid of silence. An art. 

There is still Javier Peña's mustache, which catapulted him to fame from Narcos , and you can recognize that little point of joyous irony of Prince Oberyn Martell, who almost ended the Mountain in Game of Thrones . Two roles that have opened doors that he has managed to keep safe from slamming doors and have allowed him to skip the toll of stereotyped roles. Today Pascal, well trained in theater and loved by the cameras, can do whatever he wants. Even dedicating a Saturday to star in a fashion shoot and speak exclusively for Lifetsyle Magazine .

"Nobody knows me but everyone thinks they know me," he said when he debuted as the face of Solo Loewe perfume. Introduce yourself with four words.”

I do not define myself only by them, but I am contradictory, faithful, loyal, sensitive and, at times, a bit geek.

What would surprise me about you if you knew him better?

That although I live life and enjoy family, friends and social connections a lot, I have a lonely point. I like having my space and the option of staying a day at home in a relaxed and cocoon plan .

“Even though I live life and really enjoy family, friends and social connections, I have a lonely point.”

With Covid-19, many of us are already a little tired of staying at home ...

Yes, now that I don't have much choice to go out, I'm afraid of not being able to go back to the theater, to a party, to a dinner with many people ... I really regret those times that, instead of going out, I stayed at home.

Which character has left the most impression on you?

I miss Peña, from Narcos . It was my first leading role, the first time I had time to develop the character, create his energy, his style ... They gave me a lot of freedom to shape it, even if it was based on a real person. I was able to work on it, make it my own, create the tone, invent and deepen.

Do you easily get rid of them when filming is over?

When I was younger I was very clear that they had to be left at work, that the character had to be separated from the person. I thought that with age it would get easier and easier but, surprisingly, the opposite happens to me: it gets harder and harder. Energy cannot always be organized the way we would like and I have to admit that I take some of my characters home with me.

Have you incorporated any of their phrases into your life?

Maxwell Lord has a very attractive in Wonder Woman 1984 : "Everything is fine, but it could be better."

Very eighties. Like the one Gordon Gekko said on Wall Street (1987): "If you want a friend, buy yourself a dog." Have we advanced or are we already for the fourth pet?

We have come a long way. I am very inspired by young people, their strength to face in an original way that win, win and win system that reached a monstrous level in the eighties. Today's young people go deeper into the need to respect a planet in which we all live together and the obligation to take care of it.

“Young people inspire me, they deepen the need to respect a planet and the obligation to care for it.”

I see you optimistic ...

I am a realistic and hard-working optimist. My first impression is that the glass is half empty, I have to find arguments to see it half full.

Is it true that you drew the comic strips to interact with them as a method to immerse yourself in your character in 'Wonder Woman 1984'?

I made a book with images from the eighties and sixties, comic book drawings, papers, erasers, colored pencils, markers and vignettes to better understand what it was to be a man of that decade, how his attitude was forged ... It was a way to focus to live up to what Patty (Jenkins, the director) asked for, which was a lot, and not lose sight of it. I'm a horrible cartoonist, but I had to do something practical to study, understand, and develop the character.

What does a script or a role have to have to get their attention?

Sense of humor. Even if it is a drama, a hero, a villain ... Humor immediately hooks me.

A good shield to go through life ...

The best. It is the most important thing to survive.

Do you remember the last time you laughed out loud?

Paco León immediately came to mind. When he's on set, here in Budapest, we are all happier and we laugh a lot. The entire production loves it. It has made filming more fun.

“When Paco León is on set, here in Budapest, we are all happier and we laugh a lot”

 What fascinates you most about the Star Wars universe?

Nostalgia, the huge audience it has, the ability to reach so many people. It reflects our childlike imagination without limits. Create more and more worlds with all kinds of people and species. He is capable of casting the universe

What is your definition of success?

Have a healthy relationship with yourself. Nothing matters if you don't love yourself.

What would you have done if you had not succeeded as an actor? Did you have a plan B?

No. Perhaps the only thing that could have been useful to others is acting as a literature teacher, as a counselor or advisor for people who need help ... I am a bit of a therapist with my friends. And it must work, because they come back. I have a lot of common sense.

What is elegance to you? Has your relationship with Loewe influenced the way you dress?

In that of elegance I am a student, I am learning. I wear what is comfortable but I also have very finite taste and, when motivated, I really like to express myself with style. And when it comes to style, Loewe is on top of everything.

Something material that would save from a fire.

A book. I always have one on hand. Now I am rereading The Magic Mountain , by Thomas Mann. Literature is one of my passions. It is an extension of life. The problem would be to choose only one, there are so many! My identity is made by inspirations from authors, actors, dancers, the art world, the sea ... There is no self without the influence of all the things that inspire me.

“The sea is what I like the most in life. I have respect, curiosity and love for him on a religious level.”

The sea…

It's what I like the most in life. I have respect, curiosity and love for him on a religious level.

If he gets lost, I know where to look for him.

On a boat in the middle of the sea, on an island, on the beach in Chile ... Everything related to water. One of the first smells I remember, although I don't know if it's too attractive, is the chlorine in the pool.

What is your fastest way to disconnect?

Losing your mobile phone. I fell down the stairs in Dubrovnik and at first it was like, "Oh noooo." But then I thought, "Well, a week without him." I had a certain feeling of liberation. Not having to be aware of e-mails, messages ... I find it very strong that people communicate even through a direct message from Instagram. I refuse.

Now that you quote them, how are you getting along with the networks? (He has 1.5 million followers on Intagram)

I am quite active, I use it when I have a good time, but also to express myself and to give my opinion.

“I will say goodbye to the year with a kiss and raising the middle finger. He has treated me well but the collective suffering and fear this year….”

What is your favorite word?

Oxymoron. I like its meaning and its sound

Who would you like to shut up, as you did in the first Loewe Solo ad?

Personally, I would love to shut up that heavy, bad voice, the imp that we all have in our heads. That it's nice to have him and that, and I know he will never go away, but it would be nice if he shut up sometimes. Collectively I think we would all like to shut up one person.

Trump?

I suppose.

What have you learned from this rare year?

That you cannot live without human contact. For me the deep and simple connections with my friends and family is the only thing that matters.

How will you fire him?

With a kiss and raising the middle finger. He has treated me very well but the collective suffering and fear this year….

*article translated with google chrome. Source of article*

[youvebeenlivingfictional]

I’m not sure if you’ve answered this before but what does javejita love most about the other person? & is there anything specific about their personality/character traits that stood out to one another and led to them catch feelings?? ❤️

So this got SO LONG I am so sorry

With Javier, initially, the thing that stood out to him was Abejita’s attention to detail. I mentioned this a little bit with some previous Javejita headcanons — he knew that she was smart, but didn’t understand just how observant she was. A major, major turning point for him was the night that she came back into the office to tell him to stop beating himself up and to go home. No one had said a thing to her about the case, about what had happened on the field that day; he realized she knew him well enough and recognized what it looked like when he was taking something a little too much to heart. And when she said, “It’s okay, Javier,”— when she used his first name, saw that he’d been struggling with how to thank her? Something clicked in him. He couldn’t call it love, not back then. He didn’t know well enough. With Abejita, it’s Javier’s willingness to understand and change. Look, when the man realizes that he’s fucked up with Luciana, does he always respond the right way? No. Definitely not. He tries to joke not once, but twice, because he thinks he can make Abejita smile. That’s because for a long time, the foundation of their relationship was teasing and sniping at one another. But after she shuts him down in the hallway (”If you had even an ounce of respect for me the way you do [Steve], last night would never have happened. If you respected me at all, you would’ve left Luciana alone, gone down the block to the nearest whorehouse where I’m sure they all know you by name, and found somewhere else to stick your dick for the night.” ~~TURN DOWN FOR WHAT~~) Javier course corrects. Heavily. And the thing is, he’s tried to course correct before that as well. He realizes that Abejita won’t be comfortable with him alone with Luciana, asks Steve to take over. Connie tells her how apologetic he seemed, and Abejita realizes that Steve didn’t offer to take over. Javi asked him to. Javier apologizes properly. He brings by obleas, he sits and chats with her a bit when she offers. He tries to apologize again, because he’s legitimately sorry, he realizes that he fucked up, and at that point, he’s come to understand that he really cares about her. When he underestimates her later, says “But you work in the office,” when he sees that she’s armed, he course corrects there, too. He tries to apologize, and he brings her something spicy. He doesn’t come to dinner at Connie and Steve’s, but he drives her to the airport. He stays with her at the airport. Abejita, being as observant as she is, recognizes that Javier is making note of where and how he’s fucking up, and he tries to fix it. It may not always happen fast, and it may not always be in the best way, but he is trying. I think that Javier and Abejita both love each other’s determination, but in very different ways. That was a major driving force behind Javier not saying anything to Abejita before she left for D.C. He knew that he had feelings for her, but what kind of asshole would he have been to say, “Hey, this job sounds great, like something you’d be perfect for, but how  about you stay here and work this desk job and we could keep doing this flirting thing, maybe more than flirting? If you’re into that?” Abejita has always had drive, has always been meticulous in her work. She’s helped him with operations, she’s gotten him and Steve information from the White Room that they wouldn’t have had access to otherwise at the risk of her own career. He knew that working administration in Bogotá wouldn’t be the last stop for her. She was moving up, he wasn’t going to ask her not to. She was too smart for that. When it comes to Javier, Abejita sees that determination in nights like the one where she shooed him away from his desk. She knows that being on the field takes it out of him, that he sometimes feels like he’s lost more people than he’s been able to save. That sort of thing could make someone want to quit, but it pushes Javier. Sometimes it pushes him too far, as with Los Pepes. But what happened with Los Pepes also pushes Javier to want to do things differently when he comes back to Bogotá. He knows what it looks like when you don’t play by the book, and he tries to ensure that Fiestl and Van Ness are careful when they’re running operations, and play things by the book. Abejita sees Javier willing to push himself to make things better— and to make himself better. She loves him for that determination. Tag List: @justanotherblonde23  ; @pascalesque  ; @revolution-starter ; @the-feckless-wonder ; @angels-pie  ; @lcandothisallday ; @xletmetaste-yoursmilex ; @kaelyn-lobrutto24 ; @superwholockmarauder ; @blooo0ooop @bridiemh ;  @mylittlelonelyappreciationtoo ; @windfallss  ; @urbankaite2 ; @lunaserenade  ; @jedi-mando; @darthdameron ; @paintballkid711  ; @mjby  ; @captn-andor  ; @mando-amando  ; @wonderlandgabby  ; @sarahjkl82-blog ; @ajeff855 ; @massivecolorspygiant ; @trash-dino-5000 ; @littlemissoblivious ;  @psychedelic-star ;  @anrimdjarin  ; @pedritobalmando  ;  @cocotetsdespinacs ; @lou-la-lou  ; @wantingtobekorra ; @coldlilheart ; @daisychainsinknots ; @teamgeiszler-gottlieb ; @leonieb ; @artsymaddie ; @blueeyesatnight ; @tardis-23 ; @mamacitapascal ; @amidjarin ; @mcueveryday ; @dionysuskid21 ; @xx-small-town-witch-xx ; @yespolkadotkitty ; @elen-aranel ; @randomness501 ; @blo0dangel ; @hnt-escape​ ; @poedameronsbeard​ ; @spideysimpossiblegirl​ ; @beskarhearts

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

Top 5 Characters in ANF Who Would’ve Made Better Love Interests Than Kate

There are a lot of mixed opinions on TWDG: A New Frontier. Some people like it, some don’t, and some people hate it so much that they refuse to accept as canon in the series. Extreme? Yeah, but hey, to each their own. 

One thing that always bothers me when I do my replay of the series and this game is how much Kate is forced on us and even kinda punishes us for not romancing her. Like, no offense, but I’m not really interested in dating my sister-in-law, especially when her husband is actually alive, and even if she wasn’t my brother’s wife, she’s still not a character I have chemistry with, y’know? 

And every time I play, I can’t help but think that almost anyone else in ANF would’ve been a better romantic interest for Javi over Kate, so I decided to make that the list for this week. 

I would’ve loved more choices and for the game to actually show Javi’s canon bisexuality outside of a flirty line with Jesus that most players didn’t even pick. Just sayin’.

I do want to note that if you enjoy the romance with Kate and the relationship between her and Javi, that’s totally cool. Just because I don’t like it doesn’t mean you can’t ship them, y’know? I’m not here to try to change your mind or tell you you’re bad for shipping something I don’t because I’m not a dingus. You do what makes you happy, friend. :)

Besides, going off the stats, a majority of players romanced her so if anything, I’m the weirdo. This list is just for fun! 

Before we start, just wanna say a big thank you to @pi-creates​ for helping out with this one! Really appreciate it! Now, here are my top 5 characters who, in my opinion, would’ve made better love interests for Javier than Kate.

5. Jane if the writers didn’t turn her into a dead potato

Oh man, you should see your face right now. 

Wait, wait, stop! Before you click outta here in a huff with your “Kenny good Jane bad” grunts and come yell at me, just hear me out-- this entry is mostly a joke and the other four on this list are serious, okay? 

I needed someone to put at #5 and after talking over some options and going back and forth.... Jane came up as a joke and then kind of made the list. Because really, I thought about it. I was like, “Would I really rather have dingdong “whatever happens stay out of it” potato face Jane as a love interest over Kate? Do I dislike Kate as an option that much?” and Pi and I talked about this for a while and yeah.... yeah I would actually. 

When I said anyone but Kate, I guess I really meant anyone. 

Trust me, I know, I’m just as surprised. I guess this really says a lot about my feelings for Kate. I didn’t know I disliked her this much either.

But for fun, let’s entertain this idea of the writers NOT pulling the ol’ character assassination on Jane and she made it to Richmond with Clementine and AJ because--

Jane: "One time I ate glass because I was drunk and thought it was sugar."

Javier: "I gambled on my own baseball matches and disgraced myself for money."

Jane: “Well, I dragged my little sister around with me after everything went to shit until I finally gave her what she wanted and left her to die.”

Javier: “I wasn’t there when my dad was fighting cancer and when I finally showed up, I was too late and he was already dead, then he turned and I bashed his skull in with a piece of wood.” 

Jane: “I shot a dude’s dick off once.”

Javier: “Oof. I insulted an old lady’s cake and then shot her eye out.”

Jane: “I screwed a guy when I was supposed to be securing a place for some lady to have her baby and it resulted in the death of a teenage girl.”

Javier: “I screwed my brother’s wife.” 

Jane: “...”

Javier: “In my defense, I thought he was dead.” 

Jane: “That’s fair.”

Clementine, exasperated and emo: “Oh my god.” 

....I mean... we might be onto something here, c’mon--

Okay, now onto the more legit entries. 

4. Conrad

Now listen... I know, okay? I know. I know this one can be seen as a bit problematic considering the fact that Conrad, in his grief and anger over Francine’s death, held a gun to Gabe’s head and threatened Javi and Clementine.... plus Javi can literally murder him.

...and if you don’t do anything, Conrad with murder both Gabe and Javi and you’ll get a “YOU ARE DEAD” screen...

But we don’t talk about that because it’s not canon.

I know, but listen... I’m allowed to have ships that are difficult, as are you, and this is my list so... there.

If Conrad was a love interest that’s the route I’d take because I love him and I think a relationship between him and Javi could’ve been so damn good if properly done.

I just find Conrad to be an interesting character with a great arc that you only get to see if you don’t shoot him... which is what most people did, so they missed out. And like, I get it, I get why y’all shot him but maybe next time you play, you could consider not doing that?

So here’s the thing, Javi and Conrad share something-- they both lost loved ones because of shithead Badger. Javi is heartbroken after Mariana’s death, Conrad is devastated after Francine’s death, and they both handle that in different ways. Conrad becomes so focused on revenge and getting into Richmond, that he’s willing to threaten two kids in order to get what he wants but the thing is... that’s not him.

He even says so himself when you keep him alive-- he genuinely apologizes for what happened and will end up coming back to save Javi’s life in ep4. The potential for this to work as a relationship? It’s there... the only problem is that my confidence in the writers handling something like this is low, but let’s pretend they used their time and brains wisely-- ya got yourself a classic slow-burn friends to enemies to friends again to lovers romance and I’m here for it. 

3. Paul “Jesus” Monroe

A lot of people really like the idea of Javi and Jesus and wanted him to be a romantic option, and I don’t blame them. They have chemistry in the scenes they share, and Javi can straight up flirt with him at the end of the season, and it’s super cute... of course, I wish we had more but Telltale was too scared to actually show Javi’s bisexuality outside of that one line, I guess.

But, anyway, this ship has a lot of sweet fanart that we love to see.

The only real reason he isn’t higher on the list is that Jesus is apparently already in a relationship at this point? I guess? From what I’ve been told? Listen, I don’t read the comics, I don’t watch the show, I just go off what y’all tell me. Plus, I believe Kent joked about Jesus having someone in each community during the commentaries so like... that’s a thing?

But let’s pretend that we throw that all out and Jesus is single and ready to be in a committed relationship with our boy Javier here. Like I mentioned above, these characters have a believable chemistry from the moment they meet and I think that has a lot to do with how charming they are by themselves. Those different charms work well together.

I also enjoy how much of a badass Jesus is when it comes to fighting off walkers. Javi has a lot of force that you feel with each hit, while Jesus almost has a lighter but just as impactful hit? I dunno if I’m explaining that well-- basically, Javi strong but Jesus can bounce off walls and do cool shit with weapons that feels effortless.

It’s a combo of fighting styles that I love, so these two fighting together? *chef kiss*

There’s also Jesus’ morality and how he wants to see Javier make “good” decisions, y’know? Sure, he gets pissy if you murder the shit outta Badger, which is mostly just Telltale showing you consequences, but I get it. He sees a lot of potential in Javi, more than Javi himself sees. And unlike certain characters, Jesus doesn’t completely hate you for doing something he doesn’t agree with to a frustrating degree.

If the game gave us the option to pursue Jesus as a love interest, he and Javier would’ve been such a badass couple with a sweet romance.

2. Eleanor

This one might come as a surprise to those of you who know my feelings about Eleanor... as in, I don’t like her. I never forgave her for the shit she pulled in ep4/ep5, and now every time I replay ANF and she shows up? Well, all I really hear is the hissing of a snake.

But, putting those feelings aside and looking at her from a different perspective, I do believe that she would’ve made for a better love interest than Kate assuming that if you romanced her, she wouldn’t rat everyone out to Joan, y’know?

Hell, most people believed that Eleanor was going to be the second option with Kate back when the episodes were coming out, and for good reason. The chemistry is there in the flirting, and their relationship could’ve been super cute.

Of course, Eleanor being a love interest also comes with things becoming awkward with Tripp, but c’mon-- as awkward as pursuing a relationship with your sister-in-law and never telling your brother after finding out he’s alive? Nah, I don’t think so.

Plus, for the first three episodes, Eleanor’s not a bad character. In fact, she’s pretty damn likable, she deeply cares for the group and wants to use her medical skills for good.

And you can tell through the dialogue that she and Javi are fond of one another... well, I guess until they shove the Kate thing in our faces and suddenly Eleanor’s like “oh, I thought you two were a thing??” like... Eleanor, we were flirting and I totally rejected all of Kate’s advances last episode I mean??

If she were a love interest, instead of turning on us, she would... y’know, not do that and instead help us out. We have a couple cute moments like back in ep1 where she’s patching Javi up but this time with a smooch? Super cute.

1. Tripp

Okay but seriously, why wasn’t Tripp a love interest? 

He’s the perfect option. I just-- uuuughhhhh. 

They already have a great believable bromance, so why not take it a step further and make it an official romance? Oh wait, that’s right, ya gotta kill off 95% of your determinant characters, I forgot. Sorry Tripp. 

Well, fuck that. Out of all the other adult characters, Javi has the most chemistry with this man. I believe them more than I believe him and Kate. Sure, they got off to a rocky start the progression of their relationship felt natural with every episode. 

That scene where Tripp is confiding in Javi about his feelings for Eleanor? And in turn, Javi can confide in him about Kate? One of my favorite scenes. I only wish there was an option to tell Tripp he can do much better and set the path for the romance. 

Seriously, I’d probably feel more okay about the romance with Kate if Tripp were the second option. That way, Kate wouldn’t be so forced onto the player, the writers confirming Javi’s bisexuality on Twitter or whatever wouldn’t feel like they were trying to earn points without actually showing representation, and we would’ve gotten the beauty that is Javier and Tripp. 

Also, then Tripp could make it to the end without dying that dumb death of his that no one likes. 

And if I haven’t convinced you yet, then look at these swaps Pi did--

--and tell me they aren’t fucking perfect?? You can’t, because look at them. 

Where’s my Tripp route, Telltale??

---

Honorable Mentions

-If I wasn’t sticking to just ANF characters, Luke probably would’ve made the list because that’s apparently a popular combo and I dig it.  -Pudding... because Javi fucking loves pudding.  -Honestly Max probably would’ve been a better love interest than Kate oof--

---

So, whattya think? Do you agree with this top 5 or nah? Do you have a favorite Javi ship? Let me know, I’d love to hear from you. :D

Next week’s T5F Top 5 Times Lee was the Absolute Best

[hopelikethemoon]

today (Javier x Reader) [smut]

Title: today Length: 3,200 Warnings: Angst, rough sex (shower sex, biting, unprotected), lots of fluff, parenthood, blood.  Summary: Set a year after maybe, Javier and Reader come to terms with their relationship.  Notes: So I’m literally terrified that this drabble will not hold up to the glory of maybe and I almost didn’t publish this. BUT I AM CAUSE YOLO. Shoutout to @rzrcrst​ for providing me with the best possible name for the baby. 

The morning sun still managed to get through your opaque curtains, cutting harsh shadows across your bedroom as it shone brightly past the vinyl blinds. You nestled a little deeper into your pillow, trying to cling to those last few precious moments of sleep. Any second now your daughter would start crying — the new normal for your daily sunrises. 

Javier, however, seemed determined to find a new morning ritual. 

Now that you were awake, the possessive arm that he always kept wrapped around you had started to move downwards. Fingertips trailing over your stomach, tracing over the stretchmarks there, worshipping your soft flesh. You sighed softly as his hand moved lower beneath the waistband of your sleep shorts, slipping between your thighs. 

“Morning,” He whispered as he pressed his lips to your shoulder as he dragged his fingers between your folds. You had lost count of how many mornings he had tried, in vain, to initiate sex. You could feel his stiff cock straining through his boxers and pressing against the back of your thigh as he curled close behind you. 

You reached behind you, pushing your fingers through his hair as you parted your thighs for him. As much as you wanted him, you knew it wasn’t meant to be. Like clockwork your daughter would start crying — ruining any chance for waking up in your favorite fashion. 

Three. Two. One. 

Javier pressed his face into the crook of your neck and groaned, “Every damn morning.” He complained, pulling his hand out from between your thighs, releasing you so you could go to her. 

It had been months. You had still been pregnant the last time you had Javier between your thighs. You missed it — desperately — but there just wasn’t any time. 

No one at the DEA knew who the father was. You had both decided, early on, that it was for the best. Sure, some of the guys treated you like a two-bit whore when you said you didn’t know who the father was, but at least they weren’t trying to edge you out of the department because you were fucking your partner. 

By the time you emerged from the nursery with a freshly changed and fed baby, Javier was already showered and dressed, sitting at your kitchen table nursing a cup of black coffee. You gave him a sympathetic smile, leaning down to press a kiss to his cheek. “Maybe tonight?”

Javier pursed his lips and shook his head. “I got stuck on the stakeout.” He took a sip of his coffee, before sitting it further up on the table so he could take Josie from you. He held her up in the air, much to her enjoyment. She adored him, almost as much as he adored her. 

“I just fed her,” You warned him, running your hand over his shoulders before you headed towards the fridge to retrieve milk for your cereal. 

“I don’t know how people do it,” Javier remarked, glancing back over his shoulder at you. “I had friends back home in Texas who had kids stacked up.” 

You laughed as you moved to settle down beside him at the table.  “Yeah...I have no idea how people have Irish twins.” You made a face. “If she’s not screaming, we’re both too tired...” 

“I can’t believe I’m admitting this aloud, but I’m getting fucking tired of my own hand.” He complained, before showering his daughter with kisses as he bounced her on his lap. 

“Her first word is going to be fucking if you’re not careful,” You teased. “Which is ironic, all things considered.” 

Javier gave you a dirty look, though his lips still quirked upwards with amusement. “She’s going to be four months old in a week.” He reminded you. 

“I know.” You propped your chin up on your palm as you watched him with her. No one at the office knew what he was like within the safety of your apartment. “How late do you think it’ll be tonight?”

“Probably late enough that I’ll just go take a shower and head into the office.”

You nodded, scooping up some cereal then. “I figured.”

“You do still want—“

“Yes.” You answered before he could even finish the sentence. “I keep hoping one morning she won’t interrupt us.”

“Knowing us, we’d just worry about why she wasn’t crying.” Javier rolled his eyes, before talking in a teasing voice to her. “Little Miss Josie enjoys interrupting mommy and daddy. Don’t you?” He tickled her sides and she squealed and giggled. He glanced up at you, “You’re sure…?”

“Javi.” You laughed, your cheeks turning red. “Trust me, I miss it just as much as you do.” 

He smirked. “You’re driving me crazy, baby.” Javier snorted, glancing down at his daughter. “You too, Josie.” 

“Luckily it’s a short drive.” You taunted with a self-satisfied grin, finishing off the last of your cereal and holding your hands out for her. “Good luck tonight, in case we don’t get a moment alone at work.” 

Javier rose to his feet, settling his hand at your hip as he looked between you and Josie. “I’m gonna miss my girls tonight.” 

“We’re going to miss you too.” You tilted your chin, smiling up at him as he leaned down to kiss you. Josie squawked over not being the center of attention, her chubby little hands grabbing at your faces. 

“And I’ll see you tomorrow, lil’ miss.” He took her from you once more, playfully lifting Josie up in the air just to make her giggle. Javier grinned at you as he cradled her against his chest. Despite all of his initial hesitations about parenthood — he’d become an incredible father. You were fairly certain Josie was well on her way to being a daddy’s girl, just from how her sweet face lit up whenever he was around. 

——

The rest of the day went by in a blur. 

You dropped Josie off at the sitter down the hall from your apartment, a sweet older woman who you were certain Josie would grow up to call her abuelita. The nice part was that she had zero connections with the DEA, which meant both you and Javier were listed as her emergency contacts. One of the few places he was free to be acknowledged as her father. 

Work dragged on for an eternity. Javier spent most of the day in and out of meetings in preparation for the stakeout, looking more stressed than usual. Especially when the CIA showed up for one of the late-afternoon briefings. 

“Seems like a shit show,” You remarked to Javi as he came back from the break room with a styrofoam cup of stale coffee. 

He grunted his response as he sank down at his desk across from you, glowering in your direction. “You have no idea.” 

You weren’t alone in the bullpen of desks. 

Chris, one of the lower level DEA agents, chimed in. “I guess every stakeout can’t be at a brothel. Eh, Peña?” He laughed, like it was the funniest damn thing he’d ever said. 

“Damn shame.” Javier offered with a blasé tone, sipping at his coffee. Even though you’d lowered your gaze back to the mounting stack of papers on your desk, you knew he was watching you. 

You’d managed to keep the charade in place for a year now, but sometimes it felt like the universe was testing your patience. Mostly it was just Chris, trying desperately to seem like he fit in around the office. He was obviously supposed to fill the void that Murphy left behind, but instead, he just became the gopher for whatever task Javier wasn’t in the mood to put up with. 

“How’s the kiddo?” Chris asked as he leaned back in his seat and propped his legs up on his desk. 

“She’s fine.” You answered crisply, offering a faint smile before shuffling your papers like you were busy. 

“My girl’s been nagging me about kids. I told her — I don’t know if that’s for me. You know?” He wadded up a piece of paper and chucked it across the room, where it joined a pile of crumpled papers that hadn’t made it into the bin. “When’d you decide kids weren’t for you, Peña?”

Javier snorted, “I ain’t dead yet.” 

Dissatisfied with Javier’s answer, Chris turned his attention back to you. “Well, I think it’s real modern of you to be a working mom. “I think Van Ness was raised by a single mom. He turned out okay.” 

“I’m sure Josie will turn out just like her mom,” Javier interjected, getting up from his desk to throw Chris’ paper mess away in the bin. He passed behind your desk and gave your shoulder a friendly squeeze, though you knew exactly what those three little squeezes meant. “I hate to abandon this riveting conversation, but I gotta head out.” He nodded his head towards Chris, before leaving with a lingering look in your direction. 

——

The little chain attached to your bedside lamp clinked against the metal base as it swung freely. The warm golden light cut through the darkness of your bedroom, casting ominous shadows across Javier’s face as he stood in the doorway. You were relieved, at first, to see him — until you took account of the dark stains that colored his pale blue shirt. The crimson that was smeared across his cheek.

“Javi—” You started, throwing your covers back as you moved towards him. “What the hell happened?” Your eyes raked over him, looking for the source of the blood. “Are you hurt?”

“Daniel.” He answered lowly, “He got shot.” 

Javier flinched when you reached out to touch him, his hand flying up to grab your wrists. He squeezed it tightly, just this side of pain. You could feel the tension radiating off of him, the barely contained rage flowing through him. The after-effects of a firefight. 

“Don’t.” Javier warned as you started to reach out for him with the hand that wasn’t caught in his vice-like grip. 

“Tell me what happened.” 

He looked away, brows furrowed and his jaw working tightly. “The intel was bad. Shit was a setup.” He loosened his hold on your wrist, letting his arms drop down by his sides. “He’ll live. Barely.” 

“Good.” Your heart was still racing from the alarm of being awoken in the middle of the night. Javier was lucky you recognized his footsteps, otherwise, you would’ve been forced to use the gun in your nightstand. “You didn’t answer me.” 

“I’m fine.” He gritted out, but you knew that wasn’t the case. Maybe he was physically unharmed, but his demeanor told another story. He’d been through hell and back and his first instinct was to come home to you. Bloodied and brooding, you were the person he sought out when nothing made sense. 

Javier didn’t pull away when you reached for him again. You brushed your fingertips over his forehead, trailing them down along the rise of his cheekbone. His expression softened subtly as he closed his eyes and leaned into your touch. “Let me take care of you.” You whispered, taking his hand into yours. “You need a shower.” Not only was he covered in blood, but you could smell the adrenaline-fueled sweat clinging to his skin. 

He nodded stiffly and let you guide him out of your bedroom and down the hall to the bathroom. His clothes came off easily, his ruined shirt abandoned on the floor, joined moments later by his dark denim jeans that were darkened in spots by Daniel’s blood. 

Neither of you spoke as you helped him undress. Words just weren’t necessary as you turned the shower on and watched him step behind the sliding glass door. Nothing even needed to be said when you followed him in, still dressed in your sleep shorts and a tank top. 

The warm water washed the blood off his skin, turning the water red around your bare feet. You dragged a washcloth over his neck and jaw, wiping away what the water couldn’t claim. Your soft touches couldn’t ease all of the tension in his body. He was holding it all in, desperate to keep control of his emotions. 

Javier crowded you back against the wall of the shower, breathing raggedly as he stared down at you — like a predator with its prey. Something snapped; the tension, the desire, the rush of emotions. His fingers clawed at your sleep shorts, dragging the damp fabric down your hips. You surged up to kiss him, fingers curling around the back of his neck as your mouth slanted against his. A clash of teeth, a twist of tongues, desperate and bruising and fueled by a need. 

He tore at your tank top, freeing one breast and roughly palming at it. It had been months since you’d been touched like this. Any attempt at intimacy had come from early morning interrupted fumbles and half-asleep groping that inevitably ended in snoring. 

“Please.” You hissed out, fingernails dragging down the back of his neck, pressing close to him. His rigid cock was trapped between your bellies and you groaned at the mere thought of having him in you again. 

Javier’s teeth dragged over your bottom lip with just enough pressure that you were certain your lip would be swollen tomorrow. You didn’t care. You’d wear the marks he gave you, in trade for the ones he wore that were beneath the skin. 

His fingers twisted in your hair, a harsh grip as he turned you around to face the wall. Your tender breasts pressed against the cool tile, a shiver racing down your spine. He kissed the back of your neck, tongue tracing water droplets that cling to your shoulder. His teeth found purchase on a tender spot of skin where your neck became your shoulder and you tried not to cry out. 

You wanted Josie to stay asleep. You needed Javier too much to stop. 

His fingers grabbed at your thigh, fingers pressing into soft flesh harshly enough to bruise. He used his knee to nudge your legs apart wider, positioning you just right. 

Javier released his grip on your hair, using his hand to cover your mouth. Your teeth scraped against his palm, finding purchase in the skin to muffle the moan that escaped you as he guided his cock into you. He pressed in until your ass was pressed against his hips — filling you completely. 

You pried his hand off your mouth, panting out his name. He wasn’t moving and you desperately needed him to move. You clenched around him, trying to spur him on and it worked. 

He fucked you like his life depended on it. All of that tension he’d balled up inside of himself came flooding out of him with every brutal snap of his hips. You were trapped between the wall and his cock — fingers grabbed at the forearm he had securely wrapped around your waist, keeping you pinned against him. 

His other hand was wedged between your thighs, roughly stroking at your clit in time with his pace. It almost hurt, how hard you came apart for him. Your body bowed back against his chest, hands uselessly grabbing at the wet shower wall for support. 

Javier’s teeth left a mark on your shoulder as he followed behind you. All it took was two sharp thrusts and you felt him spill within you, his cock throbbing as you clenched around him desperately. The water had gone cold above you, but that wasn’t the only reason you were trembling. Despite how roughly he had handled you, in the aftermath he lavished your tender skin with soft kisses and touches, trying to ease the pain he’d caused.

It wasn’t until Javier’s cock slid out of you and you were able to turn around to face him that you saw how red his eyes were. If you didn’t know better, you would’ve mistaken his tears for the water droplets flowing down his cheeks from the showerhead. But you knew him. Better than anyone else did.

Javier wrapped his arms around you and pulled you into his chest. You didn’t care how cold the water got above you, you played with his hair and held him while he sobbed into your shoulder. 

——

When the first light of morning crept in through your windows, you were surprised to find the bed empty beside you. Instinctively, you got out of bed and made your way down the hall to the nursery. Your heart clenched as you pushed the door open and found Javier inside. 

He was sound asleep on the floor beside Josie’s crib, his hand wedged between the gap in the bars. Josie had fallen asleep with her little hand wrapped around his fingers. You quietly stepped further inside, leaving the door partially open so the sound of the door shutting wouldn’t disturb them. You moved towards the rocking chair in the corner of the room, taking the blanket off the arm. As you turned back around, Javier stirred — blinking groggily up at you. 

You pressed a finger to your lips to keep him quiet as you sat down on the floor beside him. You unfolded the blanket over your laps, settling yourself into his side, resting your cheek against his chest. 

Javier kissed the top of your head, curling his arm around your shoulders. “I want to tell them.” He whispered into your hair. 

You shifted beside him so you could cup his cheek, leaning in to press a kiss to his lips. “Then we’ll tell them today.” 

Daniel getting shot had broken something within him. He hadn’t said it, but you knew. You understood it. That fear. Now that you had a kid, the DEA didn’t put you into as many dangerous situations — but Javi was still out there getting shot at, playing Russian Roulette with his life. It could’ve easily been Javier who had gotten shot last night and you wouldn’t have known until you walked into work and read a report. 

“Javi,” You started, tracing your fingertips over his collarbone as you watched him. 

“Mhm?”

“I want you to move in.” 

Javier grinned back at you, his fingers squeezing your shoulder three short times. “Thought you’d never ask, baby.” 

Josie whimpered softly in her crib and you couldn’t help but laugh. “I was wondering when that was going to happen.”

Javier got up to get her before joining you on the floor again, leaning back against the crib. “You’re going to get so sick of me.” He said in a teasing voice to Josie as he propped her up against his bent knees. “Daddy’s going to be here all the time now.”

You scooted close, resting your head on his shoulder. “I don’t think she could ever get sick of you.” 

“What about you?”

“Jury’s out on that one.” You pulled back a little to look at him, lips pursed together thoughtfully. “There’s always the potential.” 

The morning felt like any other. 

Javier dressed while Josie nursed. He had coffee made and on the table when you came into the kitchen. He entertained the baby while you made yourself a bowl of cereal. 

But today he didn’t leave before you. 

Today, your car didn’t leave the parking lot. 

Today, Javi drove to work with his hand on your thigh, rubbing those annoying little circles of his into your leg. 

Today, you stole a kiss from him in the elevator. 

Today, you didn’t care what anyone thought. 

Today, Javier wasn’t just your partner — he was Josie’s father. 

[jawabear]

A Whole New Man (Javier Pena x Reader)

Not my GIF

A/N: I've been writing this for a week and I've finally finished it. Its a little long but I hope you enjoy it. I don't know the exact timing of his life so I may be inaccurate so I apologise for that. Sorry for any mistakes. Stay safe :)

Genre: Fluff, Angst, Smut

Warnings: fem!reader, Soft!Javi, poor boy is desperate for love, mentions of death, crying, smut, soft smut, Pedro Pascal comes with his own warning

Summary: Back home, Javi doesn’t feel right, he feels out of place, he’s missing something...or someone

It had been two days. Two days since he had been home. He felt like an outsider. Laredo hadn’t changed all that much, but he had. He didn’t feel he belonged in his home town anymore. He wasn’t used to the quiet life there. But it was one he dreamed of when he was a kid. To settle down with a beautiful woman, raise a child or two, have a large garden and a porch so he could sit and watch his kids run around like he had in his own family home.

But Colombia had changed that. It had changed him. He wasn’t that same man who he used to respect. His dream was destroyed, he wasn’t the family man he wanted to be. He was something completely different and he hated it.

And of course it didn’t help all the people who were constantly congratulating him for his “achievements” in taking down Escobar and the Cali Cartel. He wanted to distance himself from it. He knew what they didn’t. The true number of how many good officers lost their jobs, lost their lives to catch those scumbags. How much innocent blood had stained the streets of Colombia because of them. And his own hands certainly weren’t clean. But they were covered in the blood of the enemy, but in the heat of the moment, it’s hard to determine who was the enemy and who wasn’t. And there was always that thought in the back of his mind that he had blood of innocents on his hands.

Javi was living with his dad for now. He kind of just wanted the comfort of being with someone who he trusts. He missed his dad a lot while down south, everything that came out if his mouth was pure truth and wisdom to Javi, but the Peña son was never really one to take on his advice, even if he really should have. Javier felt a little vulnerable in Laredo, so having his father there as reassurance was what he needed.

Currently, Javier found himself sat out on his fathers porch staring out into the garden, beyond which was a large forest which he used to play in almost everyday when he was a kid. There was a long a thin stream somewhere in the middle of the woods. Javi has quite the imagination as a kid. Mainly because of all the stories of knights and superhero’s he would get read as a bedtime story by his mother. He used to imagine himself as a brave knight venturing into the thick forest to fight a dragon or some sort of other mythical beast. Or maybe even to recuse a beautiful princess.

Oh, how beautiful she was. 

They were young on their first meeting, maybe about 10 or 11. And it was the start of a long friendship that he was grateful to have had.

Javi was playing in the forest as usual, using a long stick he had found as a sword to fight of the monstrous, fire breathing dragon that he envisioned in front of him. She had appeared on the other side of the stream, looking incredibly shy.

“What are you playing?” She had asked him in a gentle voice.

He paused for a moment, you wouldn’t think it, but Javier Peña was a shy kid. He didn’t really do well around new people, especially girls. “I um..” he had stuttered as she stood up straight “I was...fighting a dragon” he admitted.

“Can I play too?” She asked him, her face bright red, she hadn’t been able to meet his gaze out of her shyness.

“Sure” he agreed “come over” he said, waving his hand to her.

“O-oh” She stuttered, looking into the stream. It was long and wide back then, it had thinned over the years, Javi was sure that it probably wouldn’t even be there any more. And to a ten year old kid, a long stretch of water was a lot more then that.

To them it was like some sort of rapids, one wrong move and you would be lost forever, it would drag you down to the ocean and pull you under, or you would be eaten by some sort of river demon, a sea serpent.

“Hang on a minuet” Javi had told her. He dropped his stick sword and raced off back out of the woods, coming back shortly with a long and wide flat piece of hardwood. He put it across the stream, making sure it was stable by stepping onto it before reaching out his hand to her “it’s safe to cross now” he had said with a smile.

She looked hesitantly towards him, to the wood and the rushing water under it. She gulped and slowly reach out to take his hand before cautiously making her way across his makeshift bridge. “Thank you” She said to him when her feet had landed back on solid ground.

“You’re welcome” he nodded “I’m Javier by the way. Javier Peña”

“(Y/N)” She greeted him “(Y/N) (L/N)”

“Do you still want to play?”

“Yes please” she nodded with a bright smile.

Javier smiled at the memory. He smiled at remembering her. From that first day, they had become best friends. She had only recently moved there so she didn’t know anyone besides from him. Her mother was a florist and had opened up a small flower shop in the town square, the best flower shop there was. They had sleep overs when they became more friendly with each other, and once their parents had met too. He would often teach her Spanish, she didn’t speak a word of it apart from the basics like hello, please and thank you. It was never 100% but she tried her best.

They went to the same school, the same high school. They were there for each other for everything. Through their awkward teen years, which moving into their early 20s they made fun of each other about.

They were each other’s first kiss. People say that your first kiss is the one you most remember. And for Javi, that was the damn truth. He remembered it vividly. He could put himself back in that point in time and relive it so clearly.

They were about 15 at the time. Meeting back in the woods, his bridge still there but the stream and thinned enough for either party to step over it. They were sat on the ground just talking. It was a beautiful night, the sky was clear and the moon was full. But the brightest, most beautiful stars were in her eyes that night. He doesn’t remember what she was talking about but it must’ve been something good or funny because she spoke with a huge smile on her face. He was just overwhelmed by how beautiful she looked that night that he had to kiss her. So he did.

It wasn’t long, or deep. It was a quick peck on the lips. A little awkward if he was being honest with himself, but it was his first kiss. She sort of just looked at him for a moment, in a bit of shock at what he had just done. He went to apologise but she gave him a quick peck on the lips to stop him. And then the next kiss was a little better, longer and a little less awkward. And he loved it.

She was beside him when his mother died, she didn’t leave him or his father for two weeks, she stayed at their house, sleeping in with Javi like they had when they were much younger. They would stay up all night and just talk to each other, she was trying to do everything she could to distract his mind from thinking about his mother. He had a close connection to his mum, she couldn’t imagine what pain he was going through at loosing her, but she supported him and his father as best she could.

That’s when he started to change to the Javi he was now. Not completely, Colombia was the real game changer. But his mother’s passing left a whole is his life that could only be filled by a woman. From that point he was determined to find a woman who would take care of him. But he didn’t choose her. They had too good a friendship. His longest friend, he was scared that a relationship would change that and that he would loose her.

So instead he began to surround himself with what beautiful girls there were in Laredo, one of which was Lorraine. They didn’t date immediately. He was otherwise occupied with another girl called Maria if he remembered correctly. He was then in and out of relationships with girls for about four years. Then when he hit 25 he decided that Lorraine would be the woman he would be with for a while. He didn’t plan on staying with her long, but he had stayed with her for longer than he expected.

All the while, (Y/N) was in the background of his life, she didn’t have as much luck in relationships as he did. Which he was surprised by because for one, she was beautiful, any guy would be lucky to have her and two, most of the girls were pining after Javier, so it was as if single guys were running low. But really, it was because she wanted to be with him. Not that she ever admitted to that, and Javier was blind to it.

And of course she was there to help with the engagement and the wedding, even if it never happened. And she was also there standing next to the woman who she had resented for taking her dream man from her, on her wedding day, dressed in that white dress, only for Javier to never show. And she had to then comfort Lorraine when she cried at being stood up on her wedding day when inside (Y/N) was jumping with joy that Javier hadn’t gone through with it.

Even when he and Lorraine had officially split, he didn’t go for (Y/N). He had pretty much worked through every other girl in his home town by the time he was 29. And that hole was still left in his heart. But he and (Y/N) still remained friends regardless of their complicated feelings for each other that they would never share.

And then he went off to join the DEA in Colombia. He left her behind to go and save the world. She tried to beg him not to go but she knew she couldn’t stop him. She knew him too well, she knew that once he had really decided he was going to do something, he was going to do it. So she had to let him go. And even standing at the airport together, saying what felt like a last ever goodbye, they still couldn’t tell each other how they felt.

Which brought him back to now. Sat back in his home town, staring out into those woods while sipping on a warming beer. He had yet to visit (Y/N). He knew exactly where to find her. In her mother’s flower shop. She had gotten a job there after high school, it’s where she spent most of her time, she loved flowers.

He would’ve gone to see her, but he was scared at what he might find, what he might do. Despite all the women he had been with in Colombia, she was still at the back of his mind. And he was still in love with her. But he had been gone for so long, she had probably found someone else. Maybe even married, had a kid, got to live out his dream. Or, if she hadn’t, he would finally confess his feelings for her only for her to reject him, to ask how he could expect her to love him back when he left her like he did to go and be a hero. And she would be right to think that.

“You’ve been out here for a while son,” his fathers voice drew him from his spiralling thoughts. “Are you okay?” He sat in the chair opposite Javier.

Javi nodded and slipped his beer “yeah Pops, I’m good” he said quietly. Javi didn’t know if he was lying or not. He didn’t really know how he felt. He just felt a little lost. He reached into his pocket looking for a cigarette but let out a sharp huff of air when he remembered he was once again trying to quit. He was trying to leave behind as much of his past as possible, whilst he wasn’t prepared to quit drinking, smoking he was ready to stop.

He pulled out his half empty pack of nicorette gum, slipping out a piece and putting it into his mouth, chewing it immediately. He made a silent reminded to himself to get some more should he ever leave his fathers house.

It had been two days and he hadn’t left the comfort of his childhood home since he got back. He didn’t have his badge or his gun any more, and after years of carrying them around with him every waking second, to not have it, he just couldn’t feel safe. But he knew that Laredo was a safe place, a small and gentle town, so he would feel safe but knowing the truth of the world, he couldn’t be so sure any more.

“You’ve been cooped up in here since you got back. Perhaps you should take a walk into the square. Refresh your memory of the place, might put you a little more at ease” Chucho told his son “and I know someone there that would love to see you again”

Javi felt his body stiffen and he took in a sharp breath “(Y/N)?” He asked his dad with a slight laugh as he looked over to his father who didn’t share the same humour as his son, he nodded “No creo que ella quiera verme papá” (I don’t think she will want to see me Papa)

“¿Qué te hace decir eso?” (What makes you say that?) Chucho asked him.

Javi sighed heavily and ran his hand over his face before taking a long swig of his lukewarm beer. “Would you want to see me after I just up and left?” He asked.

“You’re my son”

“I mean if I wasn’t” his father didn’t respond to this, he just let out a low noise and looked off into the woods that Javi was daydreaming about moments earlier.

“I don’t know why you two never got together. You had been with so many girls before but you ignored the best one” Chucho muttered.

“I didn’t ignore her Papa” Javi argued “she was just-“ he cut himself off realising his dad was right. In a way, he was ignoring her. He was ignoring his feelings for her for the longest time, and even when he had the chance to confess he still held onto them. And she was the best one, by a long way. “Éramos amigos, papá. Mejores amigos (We were friends, dad. Best friends). I couldn’t just...I couldn’t lose her. You know what I was like in those relationships. None of them lasted, even when I thought it would, I fucked it up. And if I was with her...I would lose her like I lost everyone else”

“Maybe none of them lasted because you didn’t mean it. None of them were the right one for you Mi Hijo. And you know that”

“And you think (Y/N) is the right one for me?” Javi asked with a raised eyebrow.

“That’s not for me to decide” Chucho shrugged taking a sip of his own beer.

-

Javi shivered as a bitter wind blew against him, he shoved his hands into his jacket pockets as he walked into the town square. It was getting late, so most shops were closing up for the night. He just hoped that he wouldn’t be too late to see her.

As he would walk, people passing by would want to stop him and talk to him. They would want to congratulate him for what he had done in Colombia. Javi would be gracious and thank them but he knew that in reality he hadn’t really done much to change anything. Part of him wished he had taken that job down in Mexico, it would’ve given him something to do but he didn’t know how many more of the horrors of the drug war he could take.

He stopped a little bit away from the flower shop where she was. The lights were still on inside so she must’ve been there still. He looked at the sign on the door, opening and closing times. He checked his watch and saw it was just about closing time, but he decided to walk in anyway. It was empty of people but full of flowers, beautiful colours and different varieties. And the smell was just amazing.

The bell above the door gave a gentle ting as he entered. “Oh, sorry, we were just about to close” his heart stopped at hearing her sweet voice again after so many years. His eyes looked for her and saw she was standing behind the counter, her back to him as she fiddled with some kind of flower basket there.

“Actually, I’m not looking for flowers...” he told her. He noticed her body stiffen slightly before she slowly turned.

And when their eyes met, well, he felt like he could’ve cried. Seeing those beautiful eyes again was just overwhelming to him. “J-Javi?” She stuttered quietly.

“Yeah..” he said softly “Hey (Y/N)”

She let out what sounded like another whisper of his name before stepping quickly towards him and throwing her arms around him. Javi didn’t hesitate in wrapping his arms around her, burying his head into her hair, refreshing the memory of her sweet scent. He never wanted to part from her again. Being in her warmth really made him feel like he was home. Perhaps that’s all he was missing, he was just missing the warmth of his best friend, his favourite thing about his home.

For a while they didn’t say anything. They just stayed wrapped up in each other’s warmth, trying to make up for the cold 2,500 mile space left between them whilst he had been in Colombia.

She regretfully pulled away, beaming a bright smile to him as a few tears slipped down her rosy cheeks. He lifted his hands to wipe them away with his thumbs and gave her a soft smile back, “I-I can’t believe your back” she told him “well I mean, the whole town is talking about it but I didn’t think you would come back here. To me I mean”

“I couldn’t not come back to you” he told her “you are my best friend after all” he put emphasis on the word ‘are’, and it was hopeful. He was hoping she still would be his best friend, if not a little something more than that.

She just continued to smile at him “you-you look amazing” she laughed softly as she stepped back from him.

“So do you” he said “but you always did. So um...how have you been?”

“Uh...good” she nodded. “Yeah, I’ve been good. Not much to report really. Nothing has really changed since you’ve been gone. Except I’ve gotten a little older I guess”

“But no less beautiful” he whispered more to himself, but she heard him and he saw her face turn a little bit red as she gave him a shy smile.

“But what about you? You must’ve had an experience down there. From what everyone is saying, you’re a true hero”

“I wouldn’t really say that” he mumbled as he rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m definitely not a hero...”

“H-Hey, if you’re free, maybe we could go to the diner and get something to eat? And we can catch up there?”

“Yeah, sure” He smiled with a nod.

“Great” she said “uh, let me lock up and we’ll go” she went about gathering her stuff, her coat and bag, and then grabbed the keys to the shop. They both stepped outside and she locked the door, pulling on the handle a few time to make sure it was secure. Once she was happy she turned to Javi with a smile “shall we go”

“Of course”

-

He had told her as many stories as he could about his time in Colombia. Escobar, Cali, Los Pepes, everything. And she told him everything she could. Although, she wasn’t lying when she said it wasn’t much. The main thing was that her mother had met someone and moved out to Austin with him, (Y/N) stayed because she liked the quiet life in Laredo, she wasn’t one for the city and the capital of Texas was not where she wanted to be.

Her sweet laughter echoed through the otherwise empty diner. The two had spent many nights here in the same position in that small retro diner, he would say something she would laugh, she would say something he would laugh. It was a nice routine to have. And they always ordered the same thing, two cheeseburgers with fries and a large chocolate milkshake. It was a kids dream. And usually they would have to share the milkshake because after the expense of the burgers, they only had enough to buy one. But they didn’t mind, it was nice to share it. They were regulars to this little diner. Same time. Tuesdays, they would get in at 7pm, Thursdays would be at 7:30pm, Fridays would be a risky 9pm and Saturdays would be 9:30pm. It got to the point that their food would be waiting for them in the table when they got there.

They had decided to once again share the milkshake. It was Javi’s idea. But for some reason, this one felt different, it felt like some Lady and the Tramp bullshit. It didn’t help the fact that there was some “romantic” music playing through the jukebox over in the corner of the diner.

“So,” he began as he swallowed down his last few fries “has your love life improved much? Mine sure as shit hasn’t” he admitted to her.

“I thought it did. I dated Santiago for about three years-“

Javi coughed as he choked at her words, she dated that idiot? He reached for his coffee and took small sips to regain his composure. “You dated Santiago?” He asked her.

“Yeah” she nodded “but it didn’t go that well to be honest. He is a complete idiot. At first it was okay. He was really nice, but as time went on, I discovered that he really wasn’t all he made himself out to be. Very arrogant and self-centred. So I ended it. He moved away though about a year afterwards, I think he went down to Brazil with this other girl he met. And after that, I had been in and out of a few relationships but, Laredo is a small town, not many people left” she shrugged.

“I’m glad you ended it” he said “I mean, because you know, I don’t want you to not be happy in a relationship” he added quickly “and Santiago, from what I can remember, was a real piece of shit”

“Yeah, he was” she agreed with a light laugh “so you still haven’t found the right woman?”

He had. He was sat right in front of her, she was right there, his for the taking but he was still a coward and couldn’t tell her. But he could tell her about his encounters with woman, informants down in Colombia. He could find out if she would think different of him when she found out how much he slept around just to get through the night.

“No” he lied with the sake of his head “but...whilst I was down there...well, I had pretty much slept with every prostitute down there” he admitted quietly “the majority of my informants were women, beautiful woman. Looking back at it now, I feel like shit for the way I treated them, using them to get information, putting their lives at risk just to get the smallest lead. But no, I never found the right woman. I don’t really think I was looking for one to be honest. Too focused on work...”

He watched her with worried eyes as she finished the last of the milkshake “that’s too bad” she said to him “I wouldn’t thought you would’ve found someone by now” she told him “I mean, it’s not like you’re not attractive, and you’re so sweet and kind, girls should be lining up to be with you Javi”

He felt relief that she hadn’t commented on his sex life, but also had that thought that she would mention it somewhen else. But to be honest, he didn’t think she was surprised to hear about his encountered down in Colombia. He had been with enough women in Laredo for her to realise what kind of guys he was. But for now he was realising in the silence, she hasn’t questioned him or seemed repulsed but it.

He let out a soft laugh and pulled out his wallet “you finished?” He asked her.

“You’re not paying” she protested as he pulled out her purse.

“Absolutely I am” he said “my treat” he smiled. He stood from the booth before she could protests any more and walk over to the counter to pay for the meal.

“It’s about time you two got together” the waitress, Rosanna, smiled and she went about preparing his change and receipt. She had worked in the diner since the two were in high school, coming here late on school nights to have a little fun, maybe dance a little together.

“O-oh no, we’re-“ he cleared his throat and gave a nervous laugh “we’re not together” he said.

“That’s a real shame” she sighed with raised eyebrows “you two make a cute couple. I’ve thought that from the very moment you first step foot through those doors. It’s nice to see you again Javi, nice to have you back in Laredo” she smiled as she handed over his change and receipt.

“Nice to see you again too, Rosanna” he smiled to her, giving her a tanking nod before returning back to the booth to get (Y/N) “ready to go, my lady?” He asked her.

She nodded and stood, putting on her coat and grabbing her bag, putting it over she shoulder. They waved goodbye to Rosanna as they left. It was dark now, a similar night to when they both shared their first kiss with each other. Clear skies and a full moon.

“You really didn’t have to pay for the food Javi” she said quietly “we could’ve at least split it”

“I kind of did have to pay though. As an apology for the way I left. Although, I know it’s not enough. But hopefully it’s a start”

“You don’t need to apologise Javi. You’ve done nothing wrong. You left because you wanted to help, you wanted to do a job. Maybe I should apologise for the way I acted, trying to stop you and all, I just...I didn’t want to loose my best friend”

“I can see that this could go in forever, so how about we both accept that we are both incredibly sorry” Javi offered.

“Agreed” she laughed.

“Walk you home?” He offered again.

“Sure” she smiled to him. He held out his arm to her and she linked hers with his, pressing herself against him as they walked back to her small little cottage the other side of the woods by Javi’s childhood home.

-

“You know,” she began softly “tonight is a similar night to when we both had our first kiss” she giggled “Do you remember that?”

“Of course I do. I think about it all the time”

“You do?” She asked in slight shock.

“W-Well...I mean...y-yeah” he stuttered, his face feeling hot now.

“So do I” she admitted “I think about...a lot of things we did. A lot of things we...we could’ve done”

“Like what?” She was silent for a moment as she thought over what she wanted to say “I know a lot of things I would’ve liked to have done...” he continued. He stopped in his tracks, she stopped too and stood in front on him. Their eyes meeting and their hearts pounding.

“L-Like what?” She stuttered. He lifted his hands to rest on her cheeks, stroking her skin with his thumb.

“Well, for one, I want to kiss you again...”

“Please..” she begged quietly.

He didn’t question it. She wanted him to kiss her and he most definitely wanted to kiss her. Javi leaned in and pressed his lips to her like he did all those years ago, although this time it was a lot less awkward.

She pulled away and smiled at him “that was...a lot less awkward” she laughed.

“Yeah” he chuckled “I’m um...I’m sorry that I...” He drew in a sharp breath, inwardly grumbling to himself to just man up and tell her “I really fucking like you (Y/N). I love you. And I’m so sorry for leaving you, for not ever telling you, for being with so many other girls when you were right there...just...I’m fucking sorry”

“Don’t be” she shook her head, lifting her own hands to rest on his cheeks “we were both in and out of relationships. I think we’re both at fault, but I fucking love you too. I’ve always loved you Javi...”

He pulled her back in for another kiss, his arms falling to wrap around her waist, pulling her body flush against him. Her arms slipped around his neck, her hands tangling into his soft hair.

-

It was a mess as they made their way to her bedroom, they were both thankful that her home was just one floor so they didn’t have to fumble their way up the stairs to her room. A trail of discarded clothes from the front door to her room, doing the best they could never to break lips. Once they entered the threshold of her room he pushed her onto the bed and made quick work of taking off his shirt before dropping it to the floor and crawling on top of her. Her hands grabbed his cheeks and pulled him down for another deep kiss.

“I’ve waited...” he mumbled between kisses “so fucking long...to have you like this”

“Me too” she told him, her hands slid from his cheeks and into his hair, tugging lightly on the strands. His hands moved down her body and moved under her shirt, trailing up her skin bringing her shirt with him. She momentarily removed her hands from his hair so that he could pull off her shirt.

She pushed herself up into a sitting position when returning her lips to him. His hands flattened on her back. Javi trailed his lips down her jaw and too her neck, sucking and biting on her soft skin electing soft moans from her. “Javi..” she whispered. He let out a heavy breath, her voice electrifying his body in the best way, making him feel more alive then anyone else ever had.

Her fingers slid back into his soft hair. His fingers worked on undoing the clasp of her bra, she slipped it off her arms and dropped it to the floor. He then pushed her back onto the bed and admired her chest for a moment “you’re so fucking beautiful” he mumbled to her before leaning down to take on of her pink buds into his mouth, his tongue swirling around it.

“Javi..” she whimpered breathlessly, stroking through his hair. Javi’s hands stroked down her sides, he trailed his mouth down her stomach, leaving wet open mouthed kisses to her stomach, to the waist band of her jeans. She reached over to her bedside table to switch on the dim lamp there, letting the room be filled with the soft orange glow. He fumbled with the button and the zip before finally being able to pull them off her legs and throw them to the floor.

His fingers were light across the flesh of her thighs. She let out a pleased hum at the feeling of his rough fingers contrasting her soft skin. He gently pulled one of her legs up into the air. He stared at her leg with admiration in his eyes, his hands stroking it as if it were made of the most delicate China. He pressed a kiss to her ankle, to her calves and to her shin. Then to the side of her knee, lowering his body. Then to her inner thigh, he was now settled between her legs.

He rubbed his nose over the waistband of her panties before taking it between his teeth and pulling them down her legs and then discarding them too to the floor, leaving her completely naked under him. “Shit baby” he whispered. He couldn’t help but touch her more. His hands roamed over his body, as did his eyes. He was in awe of how stunning she looked. Feeling completely regretful and almost stupid that he hadn’t taken her sooner. He could’ve had her precious body all to himself by now if he wasn’t such a coward to hide his feelings for her.

She bit her bottom lip as she sat up, matching his kneeling position. Her hands slid up his chest to his shoulder. She looked up at him through her lashes “you’re wearing to much” she whispered to him. This was a new, confident side of (Y/N) that he hadn’t seen before, but he loved it.

She moved around him and pushed him down to the bed, now hovering above him. Her hands felt every inch of his bare chest. Her fingers lingering on the scars that were scattered around his skin. She didn’t think to question how he got them, he didn’t need to explain it to her in that moment. But she knew that none of them could’ve been good. So she made a show of making love to each one in an attempt to erase the memories from his mind.

Her lips were gentle over each scar, after the kiss she would trace a finger over it before moving to the next one. Javi always knew she was gentle, she was always so kind, and having her in such an intimate position made him feel incredibly special. He felt safe for once. She was taking care of him just like he always wanted a woman to do.

“(Y/N)...” he mumbled to her. She lifted her head and brought it over his, looking down at him with soft eyes.

“Yeah?” She whispered, her finger trailing down his cheek.

“Kiss me...” he pleaded. And she did. Their lips joined and his hands moved to her back, his palms flattening against her skin. Their lips moved perfectly against each other. Javi couldn’t explain what he was feeling. His heart was just overwhelmed. He felt it must’ve been a dream. He had dreamt for many years about what it would be like to actually be with her. He had imagine how soft her lips were, how they tasted on his own. He had imagined how smooth her skin would be under his rough hands, how it would feel against his own. He had imagined what it would be like to hear her tell him she loved him. And it was fucking music.

She pulled off his lips, giving him a gently smile before sliding back down his body. She made quick work of getting him out of his jeans, it was effortless for her, or maybe it was simply because he was completely infatuated by her in that moment that any movement she made just seemed perfect and fluid. Her hands dragged along his thighs and he felt weakened. No one had even touched him like that before. As in, no one had taken the time to feel him. Maybe that was his own fault, only ever using them for a quick fuck, Hell, he didn’t even take the time to feel any of the women he had had sex with in his past. Partly because he was so desperate to feel her.

She took her time in admiring his body that he hated so much. He couldn’t stand to look at himself in the mirror because he knew he truth about himself, he knew who he really was. But every dark thought he ever had about himself seemed to melt away every second her hands lingered on his body. She was changing him, she didn’t realise it but she was. He was becoming a better person every second they were with each other.

Her hands were outlining the bulge in his black boxers. Almost massaging the skin around it, she was yet to touch him where he really wanted her too but he didn’t much care. He was relishing in the feeling of her. He just felt so happy.

A finger then trailed down the length of his member. He let out a shape huff of breath. His hips jerked up into her touch when she flattened her palm over him “(Y/N)” he muttered. Her palm began to rub against him. Up and down, up and down. His mouth fell open and his head rolled back onto the pillow. “Fuck” he breathed.

Her hand was slow but it felt so good. He was melting under her touch, he felt like he was floating, he was on cloud nine. He loved her more and more each second that passed. He was, however, half tempted to stop her, to her give some pleasure, to make her feel as good as he felt. He knew it was selfish to let her carry on, but he simply felt to weak to move. Too absorbed in his own pleasure to stop her.

He lifted his head when he felt her hand move to the waistband if his boxers, pulling them down his legs and dropping them to the floor. His length slapped against his stomach and he saw her eyes sparkle. Her fingers wrapped gently around his length and his head fell back against the pillow, letting out a low groan. Her hand then continued its soft strokes. Up and down, up and down.

“(Y/N)...” he muttered again, this time reaching his hand down to tell her to stop her. “Let me touch you..” he pleaded. She smiled to him and nodded. He pulled her back up his body before he rolled them over and pressed his lips to hers, then it was his turn to slid down her body.

He gently grabbed her thighs and pushed her legs apart, his eyes were now focused on her glistening wetness. He bit his bottom lips and let out a strangled groan at the sight. He nuzzled his nose against he clit briefly before slipping his tongue out and licking a long stripe up between her folds. “Javi” she gasped bringing her hand to his hair.

He was going to make her come from his mouth. He was already addicted to her taste after a single lick.

His mouth was now fully attached to her witness. His tongue abusing her clit making her body writhe under him, her fingers tugging on his hair, sweet moans and whimpers falling from her lips with every flick he gave her. “God, Javier” she whispered “s-so good” she managed to say, her hips began rolling against his hot mouth. He didn’t say anything, instead just letting out a low hum. He wrapped his arms around her thighs, pulling her closer too him. He ate her out as if he were a starved man.

And of course, he was. He felt deprived of being with someone properly. He was starved of feeling what it was like to actually make love to someone. He had been starved of a gentle touch which she had given him. He had been starved of being without her for so long, he wanted to make up lost time by just ruining her in the best possible way.

“J-Javi” she whimpered, he carefully lifted her head to look at him. He was fucking enjoying himself. His eyes were closed and he had the most dreamy face, like he was experiencing some sort of heaven. The sight was so damn erotic that she felt she might come undone in that moment but she didn’t want it to end so soon. He wanted him to eat her out for longer, but she didn’t know how much longer she could last. “G-going to-“ she tried breathlessly “Oh-fuck-Javi” she swore before letting out a load moan. Again he said nothing, but her words encouraged him to go harder. He pressed his face as close to her as he could, his tongue swirling over her, sucking on her clit viciously, desperate to hear how she sounded when she came undone for him.

He noticed how she became short of breath, her moans coming out as high pitch squeaks. Her chest was heaving. She was so beautiful. He could feel her thighs trying to push together, if not for his strong hold in them, he was sure they would most likely be pressed tightly around his head, not that he would be opposed to that feeling.

“Come for me baby” he muttered deeply against her. Those words were what she needed to send her into oblivion. Her back arched off the bed as a call of his name escaped her lips. His mouth didn’t stop, but it did slow down, working her through her climax until her hips were stuttering.

Once she had reached that point, he slowly pulled his mouth of her wet heat. He took a second to admire his work, and to admire just how angelic she looked after her climax hit. Her face flushed, chest heaving, lips parted. It was a sight he could get used to.

He crawled back up her body, leaving kisses across her stomach, chest and breasts and he went. He kissed up her neck, along her jawline, on her chin and finally settled on her lips, capturing the last few sweet moans in his own mouth. A soft hum left her lips when she tasted herself on him. “I want you” he told her slowly.

“I want you too” she told him “I really want you” he could hear the desperation in his voice, and he wouldn’t be surprised if she could hear the same in his. Because he was desperate for her, he had been since they were teenagers. And now he finally had her, he sure as hell hoped it was good.

He returned his lips to hers and trailed a hand down her body and between her legs, she squealed cutely when his fingers ran up through her folds gathering up the wetness there. He smeared it over his length and aligned the tip of his dick with her entrance. He gently eased into her, loving the noise she made as he did, somewhere between and moan and a whimper, or maybe it was the two of them combined.

He watched himself sink into her, adoring the sight. She was just perfect. Taking him like she was made for him. Her head rolled back and he buried his head in the crook of her neck, attaching his mouth to her skin as he began to thrust slowly in and out of her. “Oh Javi,” she began, a dazed expression on her face “you’re so good”

“You’re so fucking tight” he groaned through gritted teeth, “so tight...so wet...so good”

He rolled his hips against hers slowly, painfully slowly, trying to draw out a long moan of pleasure from her which he got. A long and breathless moan came from her lips. Her nails dragged up his broad back, definitely leave red lines on his skin, but he didn’t much care about that. The more marks she left on him the better.

His thrusts were slow at first, he was just trying to come to terms with how good she felt around him. And then he started to speed up a little, her nails then digging into his skin as she gasped out his name “o-oh Javi” she whimpered. His face was still buried in her neck, sucking and biting on her skin, marking her as much as she was marking him.

Her legs lifted and wrapped around his waist and she used what strength she could muster to roll them over so that she was now above him. “Fuck,” he groaned when he looked at her. Her hands rested on his chest as she circled her hips around him “you look so beautiful” he commented in a quiet voice. His hands slid up her arms and back down again a few times before sliding back down her sides to her hips to encourage her to ride him.

Which she did. “Javi” she whispered again as she bounced slowly on his length, her teeth dragged along her bottom lip, her head rolling back. His hands tightened their grip on her hip as she began to pick up her pace. His own hips rose to meet hers, he was once again becoming absorbed in his own pleasure. “Javi-You look so beautiful” She panted as her eyes met his. Both pairs were blown black with lust and desire for each other. Pent up sexual attraction and frustration finally being released.

He had never been called ‘beautiful’ before. But he loved the way it sounded coming from her. He loved the way it felt inside him. Making him feel so loved and adored by her, making him feel so special. He felt so incredibly weak by her, succumbing to her every word, her every touch, her every look. He felt completely at her mercy but he didn’t want to be anywhere else. This was where he was meant to be, with her in that moment.

(Y/N)’s hips rolled against his, grinding them against his. His breath hitched in his throat as his head was flung back. His hands were like a vice on her hips. His climax was nearing, he could feel it building in the pit of his stomach. “(Y-Y/N)...” he stuttered out breathlessly. She dragged her hips along him over and over again, each one coming faster then the last. She was killing him. His mind was empty. All he could think about was her, how good she was making him feel.

Her hands moved to grab the pillow either side of his head as she lowered her body down. His head was still thrown back, his glorious neck on full view to her. Her lips attached to his neck and he groaned lowly. She trailed her kissed up his jaw and back to his lips. Kissing him gently as his hips kept going fast. He slipped his arms around her waist, pulling her body flush against him.

With her body now against him, she found it difficult to move her hips to give the desired effect. He knew how to help with that. He managed to push himself to his knees, her legs still tightly around his waist. She was pretty much sat on his lap, their lips still joined. He began to thrust up into her, his hips slamming against hers as he tried to draw both of their climax’s near. Her hands slid to his cheeks, running her thumbs over his rough skin as she moaned helplessly into his mouth, but he was doing the exact same.

Their ends were upon them. He could feel her walls grabbing at him with ever thrust, and her moans and whimpers were getting more desperate. And she could feel his length begin to twitch inside her, he was grabbing at her back, trying to hold on to something when he came, either that or he was just trying to keep her close. She reached behind her to grab one of his wrists and guided it to her hair. He didn’t need to be told what to do. His fingers immediately tightened within her lock and she smirked against his lips. “J-Javi” she breathed “baby I’m so close”

“Me too Mi Amor” he mumbled. His other hand slipped down her back to grab a generous handful of her ass making her gasp, her head falling back giving him perfect access to her neck. He once again buried his face into her neck, muffling his moans and amplifying hers.

“Javi-“ She squeaked as she desperately grasped his hair. His name then fell of her lips like a chant as she released on him, her walls clenching hopelessly around him. He wasn’t too far behind, letting out a low rumble of her name as his hands on her body tightened their grip on what ever they were holding as his come shot into her.

He slowed his hips, riding them through their climax’s before finally stopping. Now her room was only filled with the sound of bated breaths. He removed his face from her neck to look at her. She tilted her head back down to look at him through heavy eye lids before pulling him in for another kiss.

As their lips worked against each other, he carefully lowered them back down to her bed, letting himself sink into the soft mattress below him. She pulled off his lips and smile gently to him before rolling off him. He quickly grabbed her hand before she could leave the bed “w-where are you going?” He asked quickly.

“To the bathroom” she told him “I won’t be long baby” she promised him with a quick kiss. She then disappeared out of the room, leaving him alone feeling...amazing.

He sat up and leaned over the bed to see the mess of their clothes on her floor. He reached for his jeans but stopped himself. It was part of his routine that he hadn’t been able to shake. Fuck, then smoke. But he was trying to quite smoking, and that wasn’t just a fuck. That was love. They made love. He realised that he had no desire to smoke, or to chew his gum, he was on autopilot, so used to his routine of smoking after sex that it just happened with out him controlling his brain. But now he was thinking about it, the only thing he desired was her.

He chuckled lightly and shook his head at himself. He skipped his jeans for the moment and reached for his boxers and pulled them back on. He grabbed every piece of clothing, wanting to clean the space before she got back. He didn’t quite know what to do with it all but he noticed there was a chair in the corner of her room, so he put the pile of clothes in that before slipping back into bed. He took the time to look around her room. It was definitely her, everything about it. And he loved it.

But his eyes stopped at a framed picture on her bedside table that he hadn’t noticed. He shuffled closer to it and grabbed it from the nightstand to get a better look. And it felt like his head fluttered. He knew exactly what it was. It was them on the night of their prom. They had gone together simply because neither of them had anyone else to ask. The picture was taken by his mother before they left.

God, she looked beautiful. Her hair done nice and neatly, a more natural look compared to what some girls had done. The same went for her dress. It was long, simple and the most beautiful shade of purple. It made her look like a damn princess.

She was a princess.

The princess he had saved in the woods. The princess who he help cross the river and saved her from a watery demise. The princess who he shared his first kiss with. The princess who was his voice of reason, the one who remained by his side through everything.

She was his princess.

He smiled gently as he took a final look at the picture for now and placed it back on her nightstand, then snuggling into the comfort of her bed, letting her intoxicating smell fill his body. “You look extremely comfortable” she commented as she walked back into the room. She walked over to her wardrobe and pulled out what he guess to be a nightdress. A deep shade of navy blue. She slipped it over her body and crawled into bed beside him, pulling the covers over his shoulders.

“I am” he nodded “and I’m happy. I’m so fucking happy. I love you so much (Y/N)”

“I love you too Javi. I’ve always loved you” she told him as she shuffled closer to him, pressing her lips to his again.

This time their kiss was more heartfelt, more meaningful. It was used to try and get across just how much they loved each other, but they both had a feeling that they would never be able to convey that, through anything. She rolled on top of him, his arms wrapping around her waist, not holding her as tightly this time.

“Oh Javi” She whispered in between kisses “I missed you so much”

Her voice was sad. Her fingers were gentle as the stroked down his cheek. “I missed you too (Y/N). Every fucking day I missed you. I feel like such an idiot. For not...for not being with you. For not telling you sooner. My life has been so empty with out you in it. Even when I did have you...I just felt so alone. I needed you more than I thought. I need you to fill the emptiness in my heart. I was so fucking scared of how much I loved you, and I fucked off down to Colombia to be a ‘hero’, but I’m not fucking hero. I wanted to change the world. I wanted to save the world. But maybe I should’ve started smaller. Which was saving my world. Saving you”

He watched as a tear rolled down her cheek but she still smiled at him, her hand shakily cupping his cheek. “Javier, you saved me when you built that bridge” she said to him quietly “and you’ve saved me every day since. You are everything to me” her hand gently brushed away some of his hair from his forehead “you don’t need to be sorry for anything. You are the greatest man I know. And we’re together now, so let’s to worry about the past, let’s look more towards the future”

“I’m never going to leave you” he whimpered “you mean the fucking world to me” she smiled and kissed him again, gently, but no less loving. “This is going to make my dad happy” he chuckled quietly.

“I think this is going to make a lot of people happy” she giggled, reach over to turn off the bedside lamp. She went to snuggle into him but was already buried into her. His arms around her waist, their legs entangled together and his head resting on her chest. She smiled and wrapped her arms loosely around his neck, her fingers gently stroking through his hair.

“You’ve made me a better person...I feel great...I feel like a...whole new man” he told her.

“You are great” she said “you should know that by now”

“I love you”

“I love you too” 

Masterlist

08/06/20

[forever-rogue]

Disappear Here - 4/4

A/N: Hi friends, I hope you enjoy this little finale. Please don’t kill me - but I hope you enjoy. Again, I recommend the acoustic version of Disappear Here by Bad Suns to set the scene! As always, feedback is welcome! xx

Based on this blurb (because I’ve gotten a few questions and realized I never really explained it - this blurb is in the present and everything else is in the past).

Pairing: Javier Peña x reader

Word Count: 4.3k

Warnings: language

MASTERLIST

PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3

ALTERNATIVE ENDING

SEQUEL

»»————-　♡　————-««

“You’re telling me, Agent L/N, that you want to withdraw your request for a transfer-”

“Yes, ma’am-”

“The request that has been granted and you’ve accepted-”

“Yes, ma’am-”

“Because you now want to stay in Colombia?” although she kept herself together, mostly anyway, there was nothing but annoyance in her tone and written all over her face. Annoyance and daggers that was. You were sure your face must have been a brilliant crimson as she berated you; all you managed to give her in response was a small nod, “you realize what you’re doing, correct? I sure hope you do.”

“Yes, ma’am,” you stared at your feet for a moment before daring to meet her eyes. Noonan sat back in her chair, arms crossed over her chest as she let out a sharp exhale through her nose, “I-I realize how much of a hassle I’ve created and I do apologize - to everyone.”

“I sincerely hope that you’re not changing your mind all because of one man,” you almost stopped breathing at her words, wishing she wasn’t always so spot on. You did want to stay in Colombia and finish what you started, but there were…other reasons too - you just weren’t about to tell her that. Clearing your throat awkwardly, you shook your head, trying to convince her as much as yourself, “I suppose it’s not my place to wonder or figure out your logic. Whatever is compelling you to stay, I hope it’s worth it.”

“It is,” you told her confidentiality, putting a small smile on your face. It was going to worth, it definitely was. You wouldn’t be doing this, shaking up everyone’s lives yet again, if you weren’t so sure of that.

“Well, I guess I’ll tell Agent Breslin not to expect you,” her voice was cold as ice and sent a chill down your spine, despite the warm Colombian afternoon. You remained rooted in your spot as you tried to figure out something to say; it felt wrong to just silently remain there as she shuffled her papers and appeared to be looking for something. She gave you the up and not after a few moments before snapping, “you’re excused, Agent L/N. You might as well go and do some work since you’re so keen to stay here.”

“Yes ma’am,” you turned on your heel and quickly darted out of her office. The tension broke as soon as you entered the hallway and you finally felt like you could breath easier. You knew, you just knew without her even having to say anything that you would be on her shit from now. Oh well. You’d just keep a low profile and work hard. Try being the operative word.

When you made it back into your shared office, you were almost relieved to find it empty for once. You leaned against your desk and let out a long sigh, closing your eyes and relishing in the silence. But your peace and quiet was quickly ended as a pair of footsteps approached, stopping in front of you. For a moment you thought it was Murphy, he had been suspicious about your sudden change of mind, but hadn’t questioned it too much. He knew, you were sure of it, and if he didn’t know exactly why, he had strong inklings. The little looks he kept giving you and Javi gave him away.

You slowly opened your eyes and found Javi’s honey brown ones staring back at you, a crooked smile on his face. He reached up and put his hand on the side of your face, running a thumb gently over your cheekbone, “hi, sugar.”

“Javi,” you looked around to make sure Steve hadn’t somehow made his way in just yet. When you realized you were alone, you took his hand and placed a gentle kiss to his palm. He grinned at you before capturing your lips in a quick kiss. Your eyes widened at his audacity before the two of you broke into a small fit of giggles, “I told Noonan.”

“I’m sure she took that extremely well,” he cringed slightly at the mental image of that conversation. If he could have avoided her forever, it wouldn’t be long enough. He was by now means her favorite person, and he was well aware of that fact.

“About as well as you think,” you sighed, moving to sit down on your desk as Javi gave you a small smile, “she knows. She totally knows.”

“We’ll just be careful,” he promised and you nodded. If she had so much more than a mere hunch that you two were actually in a relationship, or anything, she’d have you back on the first flight to the states, you knew at that point your career would be all but over, “I promise nothing bad will happen.”

“If she finds out then my whole career will be over before it’s even really started,” you looked at him with raised eyebrows and he nodded. At least if something happened to him, he’d already established himself well enough not to have to worry about anything. You took his hand and playfully pushed him back towards his own desk, “so this - us, means we can’t do this at work, you cheeky bastard. Paws off until later.”

“But honey, you’re killing me-”

“Hey, did you two want to go and get lunch? There’s nothing good anywhere here,” Steve asked as he walked back in, nose buried in some papers. You and Javi quickly tried to play off anything that had been happened, pointedly looking away from each other, “if we leave soon, we can meet Connie. I know she’s dying to see you, Y/N, ever since she found you’re staying.”

“Lunch sounds great,” you both chimed in at the same time, causing Steve to look suspiciously between the two of you. So much for being subtle.

“What’s up with you two?” a small smirk it’s way on his face as your face grew warm and Javi looked anywhere but his face. If he didn’t know before, he knew now, “well come on then, let’s get going.”

He started to head out the door and you and Javi followed close behind. You narrowed your eyes at him, and stuck out your tongue at him, “you’re gonna get us found out, Javi!”

“Don’t worry, I’ll make it up to you later,” he smirked quietly, giving your ass a quick smack causing you to yelp lightly. Steve paused for just a moment but didn’t turn around to face either of you, instead he just kept walking, shaking his head sightly. He fucking knew.

“Javier!”

»»————-　♡　————-««

Javier grinned at you as he pushed a piece of hair off of your face, letting the tips of fingers trace over all the highs and lows before stopping at the corner of mouth. You gave him a lazy smile before a yawn escaped your lips.

“Tired?” he teased as he draped an arm around your waist and pulled you closer to him.

“Wonder why,” you asked as you rested your head on his chest, listening to the beating of his heart slow back down to a normal rate. It was late, away later than you should have been up considering that you both had to be at work in the morning. But once things had started, they were hard to stop. And it wasn’t like you were particularly eager to stop anything when it came to him, “maybe you shouldn’t be keeping me up so late, Peña.”

“I don’t hear you complaining,” he was proud of himself with that little comment, as you jokingly scoffed at him, “unless oh Javi, Javi please, more, more, harder, is your way of complaining.”

“Shut up asshole,” you groaned as you buried your face into his chest. As soon as he had his way with you, as soon as he had he had his hands on you, you were lost to him and whatever coherent thought you had left was out the window, “you’re the worst!”

“Only kidding,” he promised, putting a finger under chin and lifting your face up to meet his, “I love you, you know.”

“I know,” you bit your lip as you studied him, still somehow managed to feel shy despite how intimately he knew you, or how often he reminded you that he loved you. It was different than what you just experienced before with your past lovers. He a combination of hard and soft, a duality that worked well with your fiery nature. You nuzzled your nose against his and just stayed there like that for a while before whispering gently, “te amo, Javi.”

“Look at that, you’re practically a Spanish aficionado now,” he teased before pulling the blanket over your bodies so you could attempt to get a few hours of sleep before work, “aren’t you glad you gave me a chance? I told you it’d be worth it.”

“Oh yes,” you laid back down and Javi automatically pulled you into his body, “I’m so glad I put everything, my career, my future, on the line for you-”

“Hey now!”

“I’m just kidding, Javi, lighten up,” you traced your fingers his bare chest as your felt your eyes growing heavier and heavier with the call of sleep, “I’m very glad. I’m glad every day. Sometimes I wonder if you’re worse off. You had to change everything, and only have me. Who’s the real winner here?”

“I would choose you and only you every time,” he whispered back, causing a smile to grow on your face as you finally shut your eyes completely, “you were worth it.”

»»————-　♡　————-««

Present Day

“No,” you shook your head fervently, trying your best to keep your angry tears from spilling down your cheeks as you looked between Steve and Javi, You didn’t want to cry and knew it wouldn’t help your cause, but you couldn’t help it. All you could see was red, “absolutely not. You’re not leaving me behind again.”

“Y/N, please listen to reason. Carrillo said this was dangerous-”

“I don’t give a shit what Carrillo thinks!” you stomped your foot for added emphasis.

“You did before!” he reminded you.

“That was then. This is now and I am ready for this. I’m sick of you leaving me behind,” you crossed your arms over your chest as you glared at Javi. You couldn’t believe his nerve, that he was trying to get you left behind yet again, “this isn’t fucking fair.”

“I don’t care if you don’t find it fair,” Javi raised his voice and Steve looked anxiously between the two of you, “it’s too fucking dangerous.”

“That’s not for you to decide!” you insisted, throwing your hands up in exasperation, “I am a grown woman, I am your partner, and most of all I have proven myself over and over to everyone during the last seven months. You all know that.”

“I said no,” he insisted through gritted through, his nostrils flared with anger. You knew if it had been anyone else asking to go he would have said yes. You knew he was only doing this because you were together, because he valued your safety more than anything else. But it still didn’t make it any easier, or less obvious that you were actually together. If you hadn’t been in this particular situation, you would have taken advantage of the moment - there was something about Javier when he was angry that turned you on. But not today. Not with this.

“It’s not for you to decide,” you insisted, glaring back at him with just as much as annoyance as he was giving you, “this isn’t all about you, it’s not always just Team Javi. It’s the three of us. Right, Steve?”

“I’m staying out of this one,” he said as he raised his hands in defense and took a step back, shaking his head. You rolled your eyes and sighed, “whatever you two have going on, you need to figure it. And fast.”

“Some fucking help you are, Murphy,” you couldn’t believe he was just backing out of this, “I’m going and that is final, Javi. I can take care of myself.”

“No,” he said quietly and shook his head, “you’re not. You’re staying here and that is final. I’ve already told Noonan and Carrillo and anyone else involved that you’re not coming. And if you do come, you’ll just go right back to the States, you’ll be done.”

“Are you fucking kidding me!?” you couldn’t help yourself as you shoved past him, making sure to slam into his shoulder as you did so, “you’ve got some nerve, Javi. How could you do this? I’m ready to come.”

“Honey-”

“Don’t you dare call me that right now,” you sighed as he tried  to follow after you, “you can’t just sweet talk your way out of this.”

“I love you,” he tried and you just groaned at him and flipped the bird. You didn’t even bother to respond to him as you stormed out of your office in search of something - anything, else.

“So, that’s a thing, huh?” Steve looked at him with wide eyes as he looked between Javi and the space you had just occupied. Javi let out a long sigh as he nodded, leaning against his desk, rubbing his tired face, “I think you should let her come. In all honesty, I think she’d be fine. She can handle herself.”

“She’s not going, Murphy,” he insisted firmly, “that’s final. I don’t want to hear another word about if. From anyone.”

They had left shortly after, without you having said another word to the two of them. It had caused your stomach to churn because you kept wondering what if. What if something happened to happened to Javi? Or Steve? And  the last tie you’d ever said them was basically a fuck you?

»»————-　♡　————-««

Luckily, nothing of the short had happened. Javi and Steve had come home in one piece. But things were different. Everything felt off - wrong.

Javi had been back for several days after being gone for several even longer weeks. Since he’d been back, he’d been quieter, more stoic than he normally was. So much unlike the man you had grown used too. Even when he held you, kissed you, or did anything with you it felt so odd. Almost like you were with a completely different person.

You hadn’t pushed him to speak, or explain anything; you knew how stressful his job could be: the long days, the sleepless nights, the horrors that meet your eyes on the daily. You, after all, shared the same occupation as him. But unlike him and Steve, you hadn’t been allowed to go on this mission, despite your pleas, so you had no clue exactly what they’d seen.

No, instead, you had been behind and become a glorified pencil pusher once again, working on menial paperwork. And hung around the phone, waiting for any call, no matter brief from Javier. And he called on occasion, filling you in on everything that was happening with him and Steve. If you were lucky, he’d spend more than five minutes with you and remind you, in a hushed tone, that he missed you and loved you. But it was different…less real.

But now he was home, back in your life on the daily, but it seemed like he might as well have been gone still. Your Javier had left you, and a mere shell of his former self had returned, someone you didn’t know anymore.

“Javi?” you asked quietly as you sat down next to him on the couch. He had been nursing a single beer for several hours, staring blankly at the television as he only made a comment here and there in response to your questions.

“Mhmm?” he asked without evening you looking at you. You sighed heavily and turned off the television and he finally looked at you, and unreadable expression in his eyes.

“Where are you, Javi?” you put your hand on his cheek, running a thumb over his soft skin.

“What do you mean?” he asked, his brows knitting together, an unreadable expression n his face, “I’m right here.”

“Your body is,” you agreed, “but your head hasn’t been. You’ve been quiet since you returned. It’s like you get lost in your own mind. Where do you disappear to?”

“Just…tired,” it was a clear lie, and he seemed mildly annoyed. You wondered if you should press the issue and decided you would; you’d been silent long enough. You were done dealing with this empty shell. You wanted your Javier back, the one you had so desperately loved.

“Javier,” you removed your hand from him and crossed your arms over your chest, “don’t lie to me. What’s wrong? What happened while you were gone?”

“Nothing,” it was a firm statement and offered no room for negotiation.

“Javi-”

“I said nothing was wrong.”

“And I want to know why you’re lying,” it was a challenge. He should have known better than to argue with you by now. He stood up and ran his hand through his hair, an exasperated look on his face.

“Y/N, just drop it,” he insisted, but you weren’t about to back down now.

“No, Javier, I won’t,” your tone increased in volume, “because you’ve been back and you’ve been treating me like garbage. If something is wrong, tell me, and we work on it together. We’re supposed to be team!”

“I said drop it!”

“No, I’m not going to. Now tell me what’s been going on!”

“I cheated on you,” it was declared without emotion, and it washed over you like a cold wave, crashing down hard. The air was suddenly so thick and tense that you could have cut it with a knife. The words just kept repeated on loop in your head, “are you fucking happy now?! That’s what’s wrong!”

“Get out,” you couldn’t even bring yourself to look at him. Of all the things in the world you had expected, this wasn’t one of them - he had promised you… He hung his head and sighed, unmoving, “I said get out.”

“Y/N-”

“Get out!” you shouted as you grabbed the vase from the table and threw it at him. He ducked and it shattered into a million tiny pieces, just like your heart, “get out! I never, ever, want to see you again.”

“Y/N,” he tried to reason with you one more time hurt you weren’t having it.

“Walk out that door and never come back,” you pointed sternly before turning around and hiding your face in your hands, tears steadily steaming down your face, “I never want to see your face again, Javier. Fuck you and get out.”

»»————-　♡　————-««

The next morning you’d somehow managed to drag yourself into work, despite feeling like hell. You had wanted to call in and let them know you were sick or whatever lame excuse you could come up with but you didn’t want to give Javier the satisfaction, or whatever he was after.

Before you knew what you were doing, you had stared gathering your things from your desk and stuff them all into an old banker’s box you had found lying around. You were on autopilot and nothing even mattered.

Not until he walked in.

You didn’t know what you were expecting, when you saw that he looked just as bad as you, it sent a pang of sadness through your heart. You thought you would have been happy with the sight, but you couldn’t muster up the energy to be spiteful or angry. Nothing mattered - he didn’t matter. You weren’t sure if that make things better or worse.

Before you knew what you were doing, you stormed over to his desk, causing him to instantly look up at you. His eyes were puffy - bloodshot.

“Was this the first time?” he remained silent as he avoided looking at your eyes. No. It was enough to bring your whole world crashing down around you.

“How many?” you asked and he instantly knew what you were talking about. Of course he did, “how many fucking others were there?”

“Honey, let me just-”

“No,” you cut him off, feeling the tears already welling up in your eyes as you stepped out of his reach, “you don’t get to call me that. Not anymore, never again. You could at least have the fucking decency to be honest with me. This was going on the whole time? How could you do this?”

He didn’t answer you right away, instead hanging his head as he breathed heavily through his nose. It was at that point that you felt your heart shatter into a thousand little fragments, yet again, as the tears spilled over and down your cheeks.

“I asked you for one thing,” you reminded him as you dabbed your eyes. The little break in your voice was enough to make him want to cry too, “one thing. It shouldn’t have been so hard. I gave up everything for you. A move, a whole new career step, only to stay here and be held back and cheated on this entire time.”

“Y/N-”

“No, I’m done,” you turned on your heel and heard for the door, leaving your box of things. You stopped just before you exited, turning back to give him one last look, “I want to hate you, and a part of me does. But I hope to God you remember this the next time you tell someone you love them. If I ever see you again, it’ll be too soon.”

You didn’t wait for him to say anything else before storming out, almost running into Steve. He looked bewildered as you just shook your head, before wrapping him in a right hug, “goodbye, Steve. I’m going to miss you and Connie most of all.”

“What happened?” he asked as you pulled back and just gave him a teary smile, “Y/N?”

“I hope our paths cross again one day,” your voice was soft as you walked away from, heading down the hall in search of Noonan’s office.

Steve jammed it into the office and found Javi sitting at his desk, head in his hands, “what the fuck happened?!”

“I fucked up.”

“Yeah,” Steve sat down at his desk with a heavy sigh, “you did.”

»»————-　♡　————-««

“So, you’re telling me, Agent L/N, that you’re once again asking for a transfer to Mexico,” it was hard, so hard, to keep yourself composed and not let the tears steam down your face. You didn’t want to embarrass yourself or give her the satisfaction of seeing you cry.

“Yes ma’am,” your voice was shaky, and it almost cracked. You felt more like a boy going through puberty, rather than a grown woman. Although in the moment you felt more like a silly child than anything. But you could only blame yourself; your biggest weakness became your greatest undoing.

“You realize the strings I had to pull ten months ago to try and you the position over there,” her voice was laced with venom, and in all honesty, you couldn’t even be mad at her. She had a point after all, “and when I had to tell them you had changed your mind.”

“Yes ma’am,” you answered, hanging your head as you stared at your scoffed up sneakers. You weren’t even dressed properly for work, hell you’d barely managed to drag yourself out of bed to make it to work.

“I’ll go and see what I can do. I hope you realize that these types of things aren’t done on one’s whimsy. These things take time and if you’re lucky, they’ll be able to take you.

“Yes ma’am.”

“You’re sure about this?”

“Yes ma’am,” you swallowed the lump in your throat as you nodded at the ground, “and if it’s that much trouble, I…I can go back to the states.”

“Is that what you really want?” she asked and you paused for a moment. Was that what you wanted? To just give up everything you had worked so hard for because of this? She noticed that you were silent you, so she carried on, “you were just starting to make a name for yourself. To give it all up now would be a shame.”

“Yes ma’am.”

“So I’ll see what I can do. I’m sure you’ll be able to do well in Mexico,” she stated and you nodded lightly, “I’ll place a call to Agent Breslin and see what he has.”

“Okay,” you said quietly, dabbing at the back of your eyes with the sleeve of your sweater. You’d tried to prevent the tears from spilling over, but it was getting harder and harder. You figured by her silence that you were allowed to leave so you started walking away, figured you’d just go home. Nothing else really mattered anymore.

“Agent L/N,” you turned around at the sound of your name and waited for her to go on, “I hope it was all worth it.”

You didn’t even bother to respond as the tears flowed down your cheeks. She knew exactly what she was saying, and the words were cold as ice. You said nothing as you slammed the door shut.

You can’t give her the satisfaction knowing that none of it was worth it.

Javier Pena had not been worth it.

»»————-　♡　————-««

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[halfwaythereroyal]

Leave Us Here (Javier Peña x F!Reader)

GIF credit: @petercapaldi

Pairing: Javier Peña x F!Reader 

Rating: Explicit. Smut. Unprotected sex (PSA: no love without the glove). Oral F! Receiving. Fingering. Lots of pining. Kind of angsty. 

Word Count: 3,600 words.

A/N: Thank you to everyone who liked my first fic. After I saw the responses about “And You Are?” I started writing this in the middle of the night and did not stop until 4 AM. Please enjoy, and let me know what you think!

👑 All my writing will be posted to my side writing blog from now on! 👑

Masterlist

_____________________________________________

If you asked me how a friendly goodbye ended up with my body entangled with Javier Peña’s on this scenic, rainy night, I couldn’t tell you.

Well. I could try.

It had been months and months on end, working at the Colombian embassy as a CIA agent. I had become somewhat of Peña’s and Murphy’s liaison whenever they needed CIA intel. All good and well with me since it gave me an excuse to talk to Javier.

Oh, Javier.

At first, I didn’t think much of him. He acted like a fucking dick whenever he worked with CIA, so my first impression was marred with rumors and stories I had heard of him from our coworkers. How he was impatient, obsessed, disrespectful, and a womanizer. Having to be his liaison and neighbor confirmed all these qualities.

As time went on though, he and I became closer. Small talk turned into friendly banter. Fleeting interactions turned into intentional time spent together. Sooner rather than later, his annoying qualities became ones I admired. He wasn’t impatient. He was insistent. He wasn’t obsessed. He was dedicated. He wasn’t disrespectful. He treated you the way you treated him. He was willing to do what’s right even though it broke the rules. He wasn’t…well actually…yes, he’s a womanizer.

Getting to know Javi these past few months, I understood why he is the way he is. For a man who didn’t keep relationships for long, he craved them. I saw how much he loves his family. There were many times I sat in his passenger seat, eating street food, while listening to his many stories of his family back home. The way he lovingly talked about his family had me hooked on every word, every expression, every gesture he made. He contributed his inability to keep an intimate connection with a significant other to the dangers of his job. He couldn’t afford to endanger anyone else especially with his line of work. Escobar was ruthless and despicable, and there was no line he wouldn’t cross to save his own ass.

As time went on, Javier became the highlight of my day. I looked for him in the winding halls of the embassy. I listened for his door to open and close when he came home from a late night yet again. I found my heart beating a little faster and a little louder every time I caught a glimpse of him. I found myself replaying every interaction we have ever had, every word, every smile, and every touch. I talked about him to my friends and family more than I would like to admit. I was fucked. I had fallen for Javier Peña.

Peña being linked to working with Los Pepes did not come as a surprise. Javi had already hinted to me that he was willing to do whatever it takes to take down Escobar and his associates. Him being sent home, however, came as a much bigger surprise. It stung to think of not having him here. He had worked so hard, sacrificed so much, only to be sent home and not be able to see the fruit of his work. I couldn’t even bear to see him pack up his desk to leave. Instead, I actively avoided any type of interaction at the embassy for his last few days, knowing it would hurt too much to say goodbye.

The night before he was scheduled to fly out of Colombia, there was a loud knocking at my door. It had been raining all day in Bogotá, so I was curled up on my couch with my oversized sweats and wine in hand. I wasn’t expecting anyone. With all the violence that had been happening, a CIA agent can never be too careful. My body immediately went on alert. I gently placed my wine glass on the coffee table, grabbed my gun, and crept toward the door. There was another set of knocks, louder than the first.

“Y/N? It’s Peña!” I stood on my toes and looked through the peep hole. Damn it, Peña. Didn’t he notice I was actively avoiding him? I unlocked and opened the door to reveal his handsome face. He was wearing a blue button-up shirt, and jeans that always fit him too well. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t noticed. Or stared.

“What are you doing here, Peña?” I asked nonchalantly. Can’t be too eager, now can I? In reality, a warm and tingling feeling had bubbled up in my chest. I turned around and walked back to the living room. I could smell his cologne. I could feel his gaze burning holes at the back of my head. Javi took this as his invitation to come inside. He shut the door behind him and laid a pack of beer on my kitchen table.

“I haven’t seen you at work lately” he said. I sat on the couch to face him, brought my legs up, and tucked my feet under me. I looked at him basked in the yellow glow of my kitchen light. His chiseled features emphasized by the shadows cast on his face. He stood next to my table with his hand still on the drinks. He had his face scrunched, so that he had those lines in between his brows. I’m pretty sure it was permanently set that way. No amount of jokes I made could make those lines from his face disappear.

“I was busy.” Actively avoiding him. I took my wine glass from the table and took a sip. I put my free arm to hang on the back of my couch. “What brings you here?”

He took a beer out of the case he brought and opened it. “I wanted to spend some time together. For old time’s sake. One last time before I have to go.” I nodded and gestured to the spot on the other end of the couch. He sat down, took a sip of his beer, and leaned back. He pinched his nose bridge and blew out a long breath that felt like he was holding it in for a while. The lines in between his brows relaxed, but they remained visible and faintly scrunched. I really do think they have been etched into his skin. Whenever he got exasperated like this, I could almost swear his lips get a bit poutier. I gripped the back of my couch to stop myself from curling into his side. This man who has risked everything was sitting on your couch, looking for comfort. I wanted nothing more than to close the space in between us and feel his body relax into mine. I wanted to share in his worries and successes. To be there at his side. The smell of his cologne was almost overwhelming, willing me to draw closer. All these longing thoughts were easily halted by one plain fact flashing at the forefront of my mind.

He was leaving.

There was nothing that could be done about that. Javi was going to be leaving the next day, and I was staying here. Before my thoughts could continue spiraling into a pool of pining and pity, he spoke.

“I wanted to say thank you,” he looked at me with those brown eyes. Eyes that I often found myself lost in when he would talk to me. Eyes that are emblazoned into my mind at night as I play and replay our conversation from the day. “Thank you for everything.”

“You made it easy, Peña. I’m really sorry you don’t get to stay.” He fell quiet and looked off into the distance. He took another sip of his beer, leaned forward, and placed it on the coffee table. He put his elbows on his knees, and put his face in his hands. Almost instinctively, I set my glass down, moved closer, and put my hand on his back. I felt his back tense at my touch, and I immediately took my hand off. “Sorry I…”

“No, it’s okay.” He leaned back again on the couch. We were a lot closer than I thought. If I leaned my head forward, I would be touching him. My senses were heightened more than ever. The feel of his thigh against my knees. The heat of his body radiating to mine. The smell of his cologne, cigarettes, and beer all mixed into one to form an intoxicating cocktail that took every ounce of my self-control not to lean into. He was looking into my eyes as if searching for something. He was furrowing his brows, and my eyes were momentarily drawn to the pout of his lips. I saw his Adam’s apple bob up and down. I could feel him leaning closer and closer to me. So much so that I could feel every breath he took on my face. My mind and body were going haywire. Overanalyzing yet ready to abandon all thought and reason at the same time

He brought his hand up to the side of my cheek where it trailed a path to my hair. I felt him playing with my hair as we leaned even closer. His other hand took ahold of mine and brought it to his cheek. Time halted. My mind, analyzing every move he made, fell silent. The silence that engulfed in that moment was tense, intimate, and almost suffocating. He leaned forward, and I tilted my head forward, leaning my forehead against his. “What are we doing?” I whispered. I refused to look into his eyes, afraid of looking into them and seeing the realization of how stupid this moment could be for us.

“If you tell me to stop,” he brought his finger to my chin and tilted my head forward, meeting my eyes with his, “I will. You can tell me to walk out of this door right now, and I will.” I pondered his words, letting the silence hang in the air even longer. I stared into his eyes and found longing. It was as if something had clicked. My mind and body felt at peace. It felt…right. I brought my other hand up to fully caress his face and pulled him in to close the little space in between us. I felt the faintest touch of his lips on mine. “Javi,” I whispered, “Stay with me."

I felt him press his lips against mine. It was gentle. Bordering on timid. Not what I had expected at all from Javier Peña. He pulled away after a few seconds and touched his nose to mine. I couldn’t take it anymore. I moved one of my hands to tangle my fingers in the hair on the back of his head. I pulled him to me and all but smashed my lips on his. I must have taken Javi by surprise, because it took him a few seconds to respond. I felt him scrunch my hair in his fist. Our breaths got heavier and heavier as our lips moved with each other in a desperate dance to connect. He broke off from my lips to leave small kisses trailing from my mouth to my jaw to my neck. I felt his hands grip my waist, urging me to move up and allow him room. I obliged. He laid me down on the couch and settled his knee in between my legs. His kisses left a path of burning skin. Javier Peña was too much to take in.My mind and senses were muddled with the heat of his kiss. His hands on my body. The feeling of his arousal grinding on me as he kissed my neck. I tried to respond as best I can, acting purely on instinct. My hand stayed tangled in his hair while my other hand felt his arm. I often dreamed of him holding me in the very arms that encircled me now. I often fantasized what it would feel like for him to wrap his arms around me from behind, press his body against mine, and hold me.

He moved to the bottom of my sweater and pushed it upwards, asking if he could take it off. I raised myself up slightly, and he took it off and threw it on the floor. He brought his lips back to mine and snared me into another passionate kiss. My hands flew to the buttons of his shirt, attempting to undo them and failing in my haste. I groaned, both in arousal and frustration. I even tried to rip his shirt open in frustration before I felt his hands on top on mine. Javier laughed. He actually laughed. I opened my eyes and found the space in between his  brows to be free of those worry lines that often adorned his face. They were gone! I giggled as the tips of my fingers touched the faint lines that often made their residence there.

“Your worry lines are gone!” I smiled.

Javier held my wrist in his hand. His heavy gaze falling on my eyes. A soft smile remained on my face as he leaned his face into my hand and left soft kisses on the inside of my palm. My other hand was feeling the muscles and veins of his forearm. This, whatever this is, felt special. The world can wait tonight. Javier Peña was all that mattered to you right now.

He unbuttoned his shirt and threw it on the floor to join my sweater. In the meantime, I had taken off my sweatpants and started to unzip his jeans. He hastily got up and less than gracefully discarded his jeans, afraid to ruin the intimacy we had built. He joined me again in a heated kiss, and I felt his hands on my breasts, squeezing and groping.

“You have no idea…how much I have wanted you…liked you…never right time,” Javier muttered against my skin in between kisses. I moaned at his skilled touch. Javi took this as an opportunity to dip his tongue in to my mouth and wrestle with mine. He moved to kiss the tops of my breasts with an open mouth. I felt one of his hands slide towards my back. I arched my back, and he swiftly undid my bra and took it off to add to the growing pile of clothes. He placed hot, wet kisses to my nipples as his hand wandered down to my underwear. He slowly circled my clit, my underwear acting as a barrier, and yet not doing anything to downplay how Javi’s touch has affected me.

“Javi…oh my god, Javi. Mmmm…please. Please, I need you.”

“Tell me,” he whispered into my ear as he continued to rub circles that made me grow wetter and wetter for him. “Fuck I can feel you’re already so wet. Tell me what you want, querida. Tell me.”

“I need to feel you Javi. Please,” I moved my hand down to feel his arousal above his underwear. “I need…I need…ahhhhh.” Javi’s fingers had dipped into my underwear and slid his fingers up and down my pussy, spreading my arousal. He squeezed and played and circled my clit.

“You feel that, Y/N. You feel how wet you are? Tell me.” He whispered again.

“I want you in me, Javi. Please please please” I pleaded. He kissed the area beneath my ear, moving down to my neck, my chest, breasts, my stomach, until right above where I needed him most. I propped myself up and leaned against my elbows to fully look into his eyes. His eyes that could melt you even from afar.  He held my gaze as he slowly took off my underwear. He made his way back up my legs again by kissing the inside of my knee, my thigh, and then he paused. He looked at me and furrowed his brows in question. I bit my lip and nodded my head. He wasted no time in licking up from my pussy to my clit. He latched on to my clit while he inserted a finger into me.

“Holy shit, Y/N,” Javier whispered. “God, you’re so fucking tight.” My head fell back in pleasure. His touch felt electric, and my body felt like electricity was running through my very veins. My hand flew to grip his thick hair. A lifeline to keep me grounded in the blinding pleasure Javi was giving me. He added another finger and picked up the pace. The salacious sounds of Javi and me moaning as he fingered and licked my pussy at the most delicious pace filled the apartment. I felt my body tensing, my legs shaking, and my grip on Javi’s hair got tighter. He groaned, sending vibrations into my pussy. I balled my hand into a fist and slammed it on the side of the couch. “Oh my god, Javi please. I’m so…fucking…ahhh I’m so fucking close.” I was on the edge of sobbing, desperately seeking to come.

“Come on my face, querida. Let go and come for me.” Javi said in that damned husky voice of his. His fingers went in and out of me faster as he sucked on my clit. I squeezed my eyes shut as my back arched, his hands keeping a firm grip on my hips. I moaned out loud as my body spasmed in ecstasy. Javi groaned and prolonged my orgasm for as long as he could, licking my pussy as I calmed down from my high. I was still catching my breath when Javi had taken his underwear off then crawled up to kiss me. His body covered mine, and I couldn’t shake the feeling of being safe with him. He ground his hard arousal into me. I could taste myself on his tongue. This man was intoxicating, exhilarating, and dangerous at the same time. I couldn’t think of anything else outside of Javi and me. Right here. Right now.

“Fuck you’re so wet and tight. Are you ready for me, querida?” he muttered while continuing to grind into me.

“Javi, please. I want you. I need you inside me.” I reached down in between us and stroked him. He shut his eyes, threw his head back, and moaned. His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down as he tried to keep it together. He put his hand over my hand that was currently on his cock.

“It’s about you tonight,” Javier said. “Let me.”

He positioned his dick for the tip to barely be entering my pussy. The sensation made me whine, needing more. He braced his weight on his elbows, and tucked his face into my neck. My hands went to his hair and his back. My legs wrapped around his hips, hugging him to me, afraid to let go. He slowly, ever so slowly, pushed himself inside of me. The sweet feeling of being stretched and filled clouded my mind. When he had pushed himself all the way to the hilt, he stopped. He looked into my eyes and whispered.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes.”

He built up the pace. He switched from slow and sensual. Passionate and rough. He constantly kept me on edge, guessing how he could possibly add even more to my pleasure. Whenever I felt close to coming, he would slow down the pace, making me groan in frustration and him laugh at my reaction. Whenever he wanted to keep building up the tension of my pending orgasm, he would either change positions or snap his hips into me in a rougher, faster pace. We were lost in a haze of kissing and touching and moaning and groaning. Javier Peña had an undeniable hold on me. I was on top with him fucking me from below in a blissfully quick pace when my body tensed up and shook as I came. I practically screamed, overcome with all the pleasure Javi had been giving me. Not once did he ever break his focus on my pleasure throughout the night. I was still in the midst of my orgasm when Javi wrapped his arm around me and crushed me to his chest. His fingers tangled themselves into my hair. He ground his hips into mine. His thrusts losing its rhythm.

“Where do you want me to come?” Javi asked, breathing hard, trying to hold on to some sense of sanity.

“In me. I’m on the pill. Come in me, Javi.” I kissed his neck as his grip on me tightened, keeping me to his chest. I felt him coming into me. Hot spurts filling me as he buried himself to the hilt, grinding against my pussy while gripping my ass. His delicious moans right in my ear. His hot breath fanned over my hair. When he finished, I felt him kiss my shoulder and my neck. He caressed my face with both his hands. He planted a passionate kiss on my lips.

“Where does this leave us?” I couldn’t help but ask. I just spent a mind-blowing night with the man I wanted for so long. This was the stuff of dreams and fantasy. He was the stuff of dreams and fantasy. And he was leaving.

He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and kissed my lips. I knew it. We had no choice. We had to leave us here. Wrapped up in the intimacy of our irrefutable connection. Knowing our attraction for each other would have to wait for the world. For now, however, the world can wait.

He looked into my eyes. “Leave us here.”

_______________________________________

Masterlist

[graaid]

After nearly 36 years of cold hard denial, Arthur Morgan realizes he likes men. Don't get him wrong, he likes women too, but he's been crushing over Charles since his arrival, and he wants to tell him that he likes him more as just a fellow gang member. But that requires a lot of mental effort.

(Entire fic (don’t worry it’s a oneshot) under the cut, but if you’d like to leave a comment/kudos on AO3 I’d really appreciate it!!)

There wasn’t a cloud in the sky over Clemens Point when the members of the Van Der Linde gang woke up. Lenny and Kieran were, of course, the first ones up and active, ready to prove themselves to the rest of the gang.

The smoke hadn’t even begun rising from the main campfire when Arthur got out of bed. Out of everyone in the gang, he was somehow the most and least punctual; he may show up to a robbery late, but he’ll always wake up at 6:30 am every day, even if he had gone to bed at 3 am that night. Thankfully, this early rising habit gave him the time to get his chores and other tasks done so he could have a little relaxation time later.

“G’morning Arthur, have a good night?” Charles called from his tent as he stretched and started to weave a feather into his long black hair.

“Ughhhh, as good as it’ll ever be,” Arthur groaned, hiding just the tiniest of blushes. Arthur knew he shouldn’t be so gruff with the other members of the gang, but being the no-nonsense uncle of the family had more or less become his thing over the past few years, especially with all the younger folk joining. He had been trying to cut down on the cynicism lately, but sometimes the jokes just write themselves. He figured he should probably leave the joke making to Sean, or at least the assholishness to someone like Micah.

Even though he would usually go straight to chopping wood or transporting bags of grain to Pearson’s wagon, Arthur leaned back on his bed and looked out over the camp. Strauss was nose-first in some ledger book, probably wondering where he could find his next victim to send Arthur after. Javier was tuning his guitar, no doubt readying it for another late night sing-a-long session at the campfire that evening. John was avoiding Abigail like the plague, but Arthur didn’t really blame him; it had always bothered him whenever the two of them yelled at each other. Obviously all couples fight sometimes, but the bickering had gone on so long Arthur wished he could just snap his fingers and have them become a happy couple again, if they had ever been one in the first place.

Arthur’s eyes wandered over to the tiny dock with it’s equally tiny canoe. Hosea had thought it a good idea to purchase the canoe for the camp a week or so ago, and the sight of Sean trying to stand in it and falling over comically into the lake made the purchase definitely worthwhile. It had also allowed the gang to get access to better fishing spots, which made Pearson’s stew almost edible.

That’s what I’ll do , Arthur thought, I’ll go fishing. A fish fry tonight sounds pretty good.

Getting dressed took no time at all, and walking down to the dock, making sure to give Micah an obligatory death stare was even easier. Arthur noticed John sitting on the edge of the dock, staring off into the distance, probably thinking of running off again. Probably.

“Hey John, wanna come fishin’ with me?” Arthur asked, untying the boat’s rope from the dock.

“Arthur, you know I can’t swim, right? If that little dinghy tips even a little we’re both goin’ in.”

“Then don’t tip the boat, dumbass.”

“Oh c’mon, you and I both know that’s not gonna happen.”

“Well if it does,” Arthur continued, stepping into the boat, “Your big brother Arthur will be there to drag your ass to shore.”

John rolled his eyes, sighed dramatically and stepped in the boat, shakily sitting down on one of the planks. “Fine, but if we tip… I’m allowed to look at your journal.”

“If we tip there won’t be much of a journal to look through,” Arthur chuckled, patting his back pants pocket.

Arthur, sitting in the back, pushed off from the dock and started rowing out towards one of the small islands not too far from Clemen’s Point. He’d been affectionately calling it “Bird Island”, on account of all the ducks and ravens that populated it. It was a good spot to think on any other day, but not when bringing John along.

“So Arthur, you did remember to bring bait, right?” John asked, trying not to turn around in the boat too fast, since he really honestly did not know how to swim.

“Nah, bait’s for rich folk, we’re using lures,” Arthur remarked, “Plus, it’s easier to see the shiny, pretty lures than some dumb worm.”

“You sound like a crow, Arthur.”

“Oh shut up,” Arthur replied with a hidden smirk, splashing some water with his paddle in John’s direction.

“Hey no fair, I can’t get you back there!”

“Then jump in the water and get me yourself, coward.”

Arthur didn’t need to see John’s face to know his friend was giving him the dirtiest glare. Thankfully before any revenge could be plotted, they pulled up to Bird Island.

“Alright, here we are, pick a spot and get comfy, we’re gonna be here a while.”

John grumbled in agreement and pulled a downed log to the beach so he could sit on it.

The two of them cast their lines into the water and began the waiting game, slowly reeling their lures back to the beach in hopes of catching some perch or trout.

As Arthur had imagined, John had somehow scared away all the fish. He didn’t know how, but he assumed it was something about his aura, or whatever Hosea called it, that just made it impossible to catch anything.

By the time it was noon, the two of them had only caught about 3 fish in total. Arthur didn’t especially mind though, he enjoyed days when he wasn’t robbing banks and killing innocent folk. He enjoyed his personal self-care days more, but he knew he should take what he can get.

Even from far away on this tiny island, Arthur could see some of the other gang members back on Clemens Point. He could easily make out Sean’s bright red hair as he chased after who must’ve been Mary-Beth around Pearson’s wagon, no doubt on another mission to woo her. Scanning over the edge of camp, he also spotted Charles chopping wood. Normally this wouldn’t be anything out of the ordinary, but Arthur couldn’t take his eyes off of the fact that Charles happened to be chopping wood shirtless. Which he normally never does. Arthur suddenly wished he hadn’t asked John to come fishing. He couldn’t make out anything specific, but he had seen Charles shirtless once and the guy was built like a brick wall. He’d seen him knock a man out in one punch before, and the witnessing of it both scared him and made him feel just a little constricted by his pants.

Arthur must’ve been lost in thought longer than he imagined, because before he knew it, John was kicking sand at him, yelling that he had a fish on his line.

Arthur quickly diverted his attention back to his line, reeling it in and trying not to glance back over at Charles. Eventually he pulled in a 5 pound trout, so at least that came of something.

“Hey Arthur?”

“Hmm?”

“You’ve never been married, right?”

Arthur laughed, “God no, John. This life ain’t really one that allows for much marrying and settling down.”

“But you’ve had… relationships before, right?”

Arthur reeled back his line and sat down next to John on the log. “Is there something you want to talk to me about, Marston?”

John scooted over a bit to give Arthur more room on the log and reeled his line back in as well.

“I… I don’t know Arthur,” John started, “It’s just that, like, I know Abigail and I have been fighting pretty much since we met, it’s just… I thought we would’ve figured it out by now, even just for the sake of Jack, but it just seems to be getting worse every damn day!”

Arthur grimaced. Relationship trouble was never his strong point, but he’d at least try for the sake of his friend.

“Well, you have tried talkin’ it out, right?” Arthur asked.

“Yeah of course,” John continued, “It just never seems to be the right time to talk. We’re just always doing something else, and when we do have free time to talk it just… never feels right, or we just don’t agree.”

“Oh c’mon, you must agree on something.”

“Yeah, that I’m a miserable no-good deadbeat dad.” John chuckled, resting his head in one of his hands.

Arthur sighed and looked out over the water. He knew John didn’t really mean that, even if Abigail’s point had some validity. It’s hard having a relationship in a life like this, you never know if the person you love is going to return that night. It must weigh pretty heavily on Abigail every time John goes out, not knowing whether to tell their son now or later that his daddy might not ever come back.

“Y’know John, I think I have the opposite problem from you,” Arthur observed, “You’ve got someone who cares too much about you, while I’ve got someone who I’m not even sure cares about me.”

John picked his head up from his hands. “You do? You mean that Mary girl?”

Arthur chuckled and looked back at camp where he spotted Charles, unsurprisingly hard at work, “No, this one’s a little different.”

“Is it one of the girls in camp? You know I’d support you but you are a bit… old compared to them.”

Arthur rolled his eyes. “Close, but no.”

There was an uncomfortable silence. Arthur could tell John was really thinking hard.

“Jesus, Marston, I know I’m dumb but you’re really pushing the bar. It’s Charles, okay? Don’t think too much harder, you’ll break somethin’.”

There was another beat of silence.

“Charles, like the one working with us?” John hesitantly asked.

Arthur’s silence told John all he needed to know.

“Huh,” John began, “I uh… never thought you, y’know, swung that way.”

“Me either,” Arthur admitted, taking a drink from his water flask, “But it took me nearly 36 years to figure it out, so don’t go telling me it’s fake or nothing. I did like all those girls I dated, but I just never really clicked with them, I suppose.”

John chuckled. “Well I guess it makes sense you’re the way you are. You probably rubbed off on me, certainly explains the eyes I’ve been making at Javier lately.”

Arthur almost choked on his water. “Say that again cowboy, you’ve been WHAT at Javier?”

John picked up a stick and began drawing in the sand with it. “Eh, it’s nothing really, Arthur, nothing really at all, it's just that… sometimes when Abigail and I fight I just want to run away with someone new, y’know?”

“Oh no you don’t,” Arthur smirked, wrapping his arm around John’s shoulder, “I ain’t gonna let you run out on us again, you’d find me cold in the ground first!”

John beamed back one of his rare sunshine-y smiles. “Aww, I guess big old tough Arthur Morgan actually does have a heart inside afterall!”

“Don’t push your luck, kid,” Arthur replied, standing up to cast his line out again, “You ever gonna tell Javier how you feel?”

“You gonna ever tell Charles how you feel?”

“You’re a real pain in the ass, you know that?”

“Hey, maybe Charles can give you a little pain in the ass, if you know what I m-”

“Marston you shut your trap before I drown you myself!” Arthur half-jokingly reprimanded, kicking some sand at his adopted brother.

A bit of time passed. Arthur happened to catch 4 more perch, and John devoted the rest of their time on the island to picking some herbs and flowers, knowing that his skills as a fisherman were almost completely useless.

By the time the sun was going down, John returned with a bundle of burdock root and purple flowers.

“Hey uh, Arthur?”

“Hm?”

“Are you ever uh, gonna actually tell Charles or anyone else at camp how you feel?”

Arthur sighed and packed up his fishing pole. “Probably not. It took most of my effort just now to tell you because I knew I could trust you, so you’d imagine what it’d be like to tell someone like Micah, let alone Dutch and Hosea.”

“Aren’t Hosea and Dutch together?” John asked, packing his herbs and flowers into the boat.

“Haha, very funny Marston, they’re just good friends, they’ve been that way for a long time. I would’ve thought you would know that.”

“Well that’s certainly strange, I never knew “good friends” kissed each other on the mouth.”

Arthur stopped what he was doing. “Dutch and Hosea? They’re a… a thing? I thought Dutch and Molly… Hold on a second…”

John wholeheartedly laughed. “Jesus, Arthur, I thought I was slow to get things but I think you just broke the world record for ‘slowest time a man’s taken to figure out his adopted fathers are homosexuals’. All those smart reflexes went to your Deadeye skills instead, huh?”

“Alright now I’m going to drown you in your sleep instead.”

“I’d like to see you try,” John beamed, hopping into the boat, almost tipping it over, “Plus, if you kill me now, who’s gonna help you kick Micah’s ass when you come out to everyone?”

Arthur turned his head away so John couldn’t see his smile. “Let’s just get back to camp first and give these fish to Pearson. I’m almost terrified to see what he does with them.”

Arthur and John rowed back to Clemen’s Point with minimal water damage to their clothing, at least on accident. John, apparently moved by Arthur’s mini-therapy session, made a beeline to Abigail and gave her the bouquet of purple flowers he had picked. Arthur could see her blush all the way from the dock.

“Had fun on your fishing trip, Arthur? I’m surprised you convinced John to come out with you on the water.” Hosea, sitting under a tree, book in hand, called out to Arthur as he made his way to Pearson’s wagon.

“Yeahhhh it was alright; John and I got to talkin’ about some stuff, and we caught some pretty good fish, so expect them in the stew a few weeks from now.”

Hosea grimaced, scrunching his nose. “Can’t wait for Pearson to overcook them too. Oh well, at least we’ll have something to eat.”

Arthur cracked a smile and sat down next to his adopted father under the tree.

“Hey Hosea?”

“Hm?”

“Are you and Dutch, y’know…?” Arthur asked, making a lot of vaguely suggestive motions with his hands, none of which Hosea could gather meant anything literally, but he understood what Arthur was getting at.

“Heh, well I was sure it was going to come out at some point,” Hosea said, closing his book and resting it on his lap, “Yes, Arthur, the two men who have raised you since you were 13 are indeed romantically involved with each other.”

Arthur leaned back on the tree. “Huh, I guess it makes sense. I just… I just wanted to make sure Marston wasn’t lying ta’ me again, y’know?”

Hosea chuckled, brushing his gray hair back into its place. “Oh don’t you worry Arthur, John doesn’t need to lie; and I don’t mean any disrespect, but I’m surprised it took you this long to catch on.”

“Eh, well, I’ve got my mind on other things, I guess.”

“Oh? Do you need to talk about something?”

“Not really,” Arthur began, “I mean… it’s just that…”

Hosea placed a hand on Arthur’s shoulder. “It’s okay son, take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”

Arthur felt a tear well up in his eye. Between his two adopted fathers, Hosea had always been the one that Arthur knew he could come to with his non-outlaw related problems. Maybe it was his calm, almost flamboyant mannerisms, but it made Arthur, and he was sure plenty of the other members of the gang too, feel like you could trust him like a father.

“I… I’ve been thinkin’. About… things…”

“What kind of things?”

“Well, love things, I guess. ‘Cause I mean… I’m getting up in years, and I look at people like John with Abigail and Jack, and you and Dutch, and I just keep wonderin’ when I’m gonna meet someone, y’know?”

“Ah, those kinds of problems,” Hosea mused, scratching his chin, “I remember being your age and thinking the same things. Even when I was with Bessie I was thinking those same things. It’s hard to know when you’ve found ‘The One’, Arthur. I loved Bessie, I really did, and I thought she was my One for a long time, but there’s something about Dutch that I just clicked with all those years ago that I could never get enough of. So now I’m here, with the rest of ya’ trying to make sure you all don’t make the same mistakes I did.”

Arthur nodded his head and started drawing in the dirt with a twig.

“But that’s enough about my sordid old past,” Hosea continued, “Is there something that’s happened that made you think about all this?”

“Well yeah, I told you, I’m getting up there in age and-”

“No, I heard that Arthur, I mean is there someone you’ve met that’s made you feel this way?”

There was a brief moment of silence. “Yes.” Arthur muttered.

“Do I know them?”

“Mhm.”

“It isn’t John, is it? I know you two are pretty close, but I’m not sure how… close.”

“What? God no, Hosea, it’s not like that,” Arthur proclaimed, looking around to make sure no one was listening in, “It’s… Charles. Charles, like the one we work with, the one over there.”

Arthur pointed over to where Charles and some of the rest of the gang were hanging around the main campfire. It had become dusk by now, and the gentle orange light from the fire made Charles’s dark skin look like it was glowing.

“Hm I see,” noted Hosea, “Have you told him how you feel?”

Arthur snickered, “Y’know, John asked me the same question earlier. I didn’t even know you and Dutch were together, so no, I haven’t.”

“Well whenever you want to, I’ll be behind you.”

“Thanks… dad.”

“Oh come now Arthur, you don’t have to get all mushy on me, just be confident and speak from the heart and you’ll have no trouble at all.”

Arthur sighed. “Thanks. I’ll… I’ll try to remember that.”

The rest of the evening passed normally. Pearson served everyone stew for the Nth time in a row and Uncle roused everyone’s spirits with another vaguely sexual song as they sat around the firepit. Charles was too invested in his dinner to see Arthur shooting glances at him. Arthur knew he didn’t have to tell Charles how he felt, but the constant burying of his emotions was beginning to drive him insane.

Arthur began thinking about ways he could confess his feelings. He could always ask Charles to go hunting with him, but it’d probably be a bit awkward to profess your undying love next to the corpse of a recently deceased deer, so Arthur scrapped that one. He could always just invite him to his tent and tell him there, but then Strauss, who’s tent was right next to his, would definitely hear them.

By the time Arthur came to a conclusion, everyone had settled down and were now just enjoying each other’s company around the fire. Even old Uncle, who was usually the first to a song, was silently leaning back on the grass, already half-finished with his second bottle of whiskey. Nearly everyone was there, and the thought of coming out to that many people at once frightened him, but Arthur knew he just needed to get it over and done with, then everything would be better, right?

Arthur set his mostly empty bowl down on the grass, stood up, and cleared his voice.

“Uh, everyone, I have a, uh, announcement to make.”

“You’re pregnant?” Joked Sean from the other side of the fire, causing a few giggles to be heard.

“Haha very funny Sean,” Arthur continued, rubbing his hands together, “But this is important. It’s, uh, something that I’ve been thinkin’ on for some time now, and I felt like I needed to get it off my chest.”

“Arthur, my boy,” came Dutch’s voice from behind as he sat down on the log next to his adopted son, “You aren’t leaving, are you?”

“No! No, god no, it’s not anything like that. I just… I just… I don’t know how to say it.”

“Well then just say it as simply as you can then,” Lenny piped up from next to Sean, “That usually works best for me.”

There was a short pause.

Arthur took a deep breath. “I…well… I like… men.”

The pause after Arthur spoke might’ve only been a few seconds, but to Arthur it felt like years. His eyes kept bouncing around to the other gang members, trying to read their expressions before they spoke. His eyes eventually fell on Charles, who’s expression hadn’t changed since Arthur’s announcement, although it might’ve been his imagination, but he could swear there was the faintest twinkle in his eyes.

After what felt like an eternity, the silence was broken.

“Same.” Came Bill’s hoarse but quiet voice as he took another swig of his drink. There seemed to be a collective sigh from the group.

“Jesus Arthur, I thought you was going to tell us that you were dyin’ or somethang.” Said Sean.

Arthur chuckled timidly. “Nah, you’re gonna have to wait plenty more years before you see me go down.”

“Well that’s good, son,” Came Dutch’s warm voice again, “I’m glad you got that off your chest.”

Arthur chuckled again, this time with a bit more confidence. “I mean,” he continued, “I like women too, I just wanted to say this ‘cause I didn’t want y’all to make a big fuss if you ever see me bein’ sweet on another man, y’know?”

There were lighthearted chuckles around the fire. It was pretty obvious that this whole situation was really awkward for everyone involved, but Arthur could tell that they were all at least trying to be supportive, so he sat back down and took a few more deep breaths.

Some time passed and most of the people around the fire had left to go to bed. Arthur had been feeling a lot more relaxed, now that his big secret was out, but at the same time he knew that once Micah heard about it there’d be a whole new line of harassment coming Arthur’s way. Arthur hoped that maybe, just maybe, if Micah was being an asshole to him about this issue now, that Dutch may finally come to his senses and kick the bastard out of the gang. But getting Dutch to go back on his word was like trying to tell a bird not to fly, so Arthur didn’t get his hopes up too much.

Soon enough it was nearly 2 am, and everyone figured that they may as well go to bed. As Arthur was settling down, he heard Dutch’s voice half-whisper from his tent.

“So uh, Arthur, about what you announced at the fire tonight…”

“Yeah, Dutch?”

“You mentioned bein’ sweet on a man. You found someone?”

Arthur felt his cheeks heat up fast and consciously moved his head so Dutch couldn’t see.

“No. I was just, uh, sayin’... like in the future, y’know?”

Arthur heard Dutch chuckle to himself. “Y’know Arthur, considering all the time you spend with Hosea I would’ve thought you’d be better at lying. I won’t press it though; take your time, I certainly took mine.”

Arthur heard Dutch’s tent close and breathed a sigh of relief. Coming out to everyone about his attraction to men was already a lot, coming out about which specific man he liked was just a little too much for one evening.

That night Arthur dreamed that he was looking down on three houses facing each other in a wide, open field of grass and lavender. Off to the side of the houses was a field of plants and other herbs and a small wooden chicken coop. There was a big lake not too far away with a dock and a large fishing boat. It reminded him of the area near Big Valley. Sitting on the porch of one of the houses was Dutch and Hosea in twin rocking chairs, Dutch just basking in the sun and Hosea nose deep in some book. Even from Arthur’s far away point of view, he could see a glass of something cold in Dutch’s hand. It was nice to see his fathers relaxing as opposed to what they usually have to deal with.

Sitting on the porch of the second house was John and Abigail. Abigail seemed to be showing John how to sew, who must’ve been doing a spectacularly bad job beforehand. Jack was there too; he was chasing some big golden dog around the field, throwing a big stick for the pet to catch and bring back. All three of them were smiling and laughing at some unheard joke. Arthur felt happy for them, and he wished he could be like them. Maybe someday.

Arthur looked to the porch of the third house and saw no one there. He came closer, and to his surprise, there was a tiny carving of a deer standing at the top of the steps. Next to it was a same sized carving of a wolf. Arthur felt a strange pull to the carving of the deer and he reached down to pick it up. As he did so, he saw a hand out of the corner of his eye pick up the wolf carving. As he stood back up with the deer in his hands, he saw that it was Charles who had picked up the wooden wolf. The two men were standing mere inches apart, eyes locked on each other. Arthur so desperately wanted to kiss Charles, even if this one was just a figment of an overactive and horny imagination. But instead of a kiss, Charles took Arthur’s free hand, led him up the steps of the house to the porch, and sat him down on a large wooden chair next to his own. Neither Charles nor Arthur spoke a word to each other, but the feeling of Charles’s large, warm hand on Arthur’s own as they sat and looked out over the lake together as the cool air wafted past them made Arthur feel an emotion he hadn’t felt in a long time: contentedness. The feeling was so comforting he even forgot that this was all a dreamed-up fantasy. Arthur wished he could skip having to tell Charles that he liked him and just go straight ahead to this perfect moment. But Arthur knew that he’d just have to get it over with, like with his coming out. But thankfully now, with the thought of (just) about everyone behind him, he knew he could do it.

[dindjarindiaries]

Collide - Chapter 9

summary: With Javier blaming himself for the loss of La Quica along with more weeks of finding nothing, bella decides to help him ease his mind by recreating the moment she can never forget.

warnings: mentions of blood and death, anxiety, sexual themes

rating: R

word count: 5.716k

masterlist

chapter 9

You bite back a sigh as you glance over at Javier. He’s leaning one elbow on his desk as his hand supports his head, a cigarette balancing between his fingers. You’ve been trying to get him out of that habit, but you’ve cut him some slack after the hell he’s been putting himself through these past few weeks. The bags under his eyes are obvious to you, a sure sign of the sleep you know he’s been losing, and his dark gaze stares blankly through the paperwork he shuffles through on his desk. You’re certain that even just one more day of this paperwork shit is going to kill him. And Steve. And you.

After you lost La Quica that day in the field, Javier’s put the blame on himself. You’ve tried again and again to remind him of all the factors leading up to it—your extreme lack of backup, the unexpected ally he acquired, and the unfamiliarity of the area being just a few of them—but none have convinced him to get rid of that feeling of guilt. You’ve even tried to shift the blame onto yourself, reminding him that you were lagging behind and had you run faster, you might’ve been able to catch him. But Javier won’t have that, either. He scolds you badly if you even dare to take any of the blame for it. He does the same for Trujillo.

The time you get to spend together after work helps, but you know it’s just not enough. Javier’s deeply invested in his work down here, and that’s one thing you’ve truly gotten to learn about the time you’ve spent away from him. You’re convinced he would sell his soul if it got him to Escobar. He’s told you that he would if he could—and sometimes he feels like he already has. It’s amazing to see how much he cares about everything, and you’ve always known how passionate of a person he is, but it also makes it extremely difficult to get him to relax. Even in your loving moments, when he whisks you away for a sporadic dance in the kitchen or kisses you until your lips are swollen, you can tell he’s holding something back. It’s driving you crazy.

But you know just how to fix it.

In these first few weeks of rebuilding your relationship, you’ve been getting more and more comfortable with recreating the moment that’s been stuck in your mind for so long. You and Javier have even come close to reaching that point a few times, but he always cuts it off, knowing you haven’t announced that you’re ready for it yet. Now, you’re sure that you are. You’ve almost told him in those close moments that it’s okay, but because of the way he’s been so tense, you haven’t gone through with it. When it happens again, you want him to be present—completely present—so that you can feel all the love you’ll have to share. You don’t want him to remember it by the way he held part of himself back.

You’ve created a plan. You know exactly how to ease him into it and successfully get him to relax and release whatever burden he’s still carrying. It’s the same thing he always used to do in the past to forget some shit, but instead of being with a random stranger, he can be with you. Hopefully, that’ll only make it more successful. You plan on launching it tonight, unable to take another day of seeing Javier in such a state—especially as you continue to watch the shell of himself sitting at his desk.

As Javier takes the last drag of his cigarette, his gaze finally meets yours, and he raises an eyebrow as he deposits it in the ashtray. You gesture with your eyes towards the direction of the supply closet—which has become your secret rendezvous point—and Javier gives a nod of understanding. With your empty mug of coffee in hand, you stand up from your chair, pretending that you’re on the way to go refill it as you head towards the closet. Thankfully, it’s in a secluded hallway that branches off from the main one, so when there are no eyes watching, you’re safe to duck inside and close the door. You set the mug on a shelf, pacing the floor a bit as you wait for Javier to join you. In your typical routine, it takes a few minutes, since you don’t want to be suspicious about him following after you.

Soon, the door’s reopening and closing behind Javier, and you can only see him lock it quickly before his lips are on yours. His hands instinctively reach for your face while yours tug at the collar of his shirt, your body pressing against his in its familiar way. When his tongue presses against yours, you let out a half-moan and half-grunt of disgust at the way his breath tastes strongly of smoke. Once you’ve both run out of air, you separate, and you let out a chuckle as Javier looks at you with puzzlement.

“You taste like straight up tobacco, Peña,” you tell him, coughing for dramatic effect.

Javier snorts and shakes his head, but a strong sense of guilt lingers in his dark gaze. “I’m sorry,” he apologizes sincerely. “I know you want me to stop—and I really should, I know—but I just… it’s been really… you know—.”

“Hey, take a deep breath,” you cut him off, running your hands over his upper arms to soothe him. Javier visibly starts to relax, and you watch as his chest rises and falls deeply. “I’m not gonna say it’s okay, but it’s understandable. You’ve had a tough few weeks.” Javier nods to agree, closing his eyes as he does so. You twist your lips, hating to see him so defeated. “Which is why I’ve planned something for tonight, after work.”

Javier reopens his eyes, and they fill with interest—even though his shoulders sag tiredly. “Do we have to go out?” he nearly whines. “I’m so tired. I’d rather just kiss you until I fall asleep.”

You giggle and run your hands over his cheeks. “I promise, it’ll be much better than that. It’s gonna be fun—and it’s just gonna be us. Dwell on that last little bit of energy you have left.”

Javier gives you a nod, unable to hide the small smile that grows on his lips. “Alright. I trust you, bella.”

“Good.” You pull his head down until it meets yours, giving him a quick kiss and leaning your forehead against his. “I’m gonna make this the best night of your life.”

Javier lifts an eyebrow. “Oh, really? In that case, I can already feel my last bit of energy coming out.”

You laugh, shaking your head as you leave your last kiss on the tip of his nose. “But only if you chew on some gum or something. I’m not kissing you again until all that smoke taste is gone.”

“Say no more.” You chuckle as you reach for your mug and start to head for the door, but at the last second, Javier reaches out to grab your arm. “Wait!” He pulls you back to him, leaving a soft kiss on your head. “Te amo, hermosa.”

You smile up at him. “Te amo mucho, cariño.” You then close the distance to the door, opening it and heading into the kitchen area where the coffee’s actually brewed. You pour your mug up and then return to your desk, going back to your work as if you’d never left it. Steve’s too dazed to notice anything suspicious, even as Javier returns and gets right back to his torturous papers. You bite back a smile when you see him open a drawer of his desk and pop a piece of gum into his mouth.

After one more hour of enduring the pain of endless paperwork, you’re finally free for the day, and you feel excitement pulse through you at the prospect of what’s to come. You leave before Javier does, further avoiding any suspicions of you both getting together later, and take up the head start you have to make yourself look as good as possible. You’re not one to put a lot of effort into your appearance—especially with the exhaustion of the past few weeks weighing on your shoulders—but the idea of getting Javier to relax and to finally reach a place with him you’ve been yearning to go pushes you over the edge.

When you think you’ve finished, you evaluate yourself in the mirror. You’ve selected a white long-sleeve wrap that ties just beneath your chest, showing off a clear part of your assets. Your jean skirt comes up higher on the waist and, thus, ends rather abruptly on the upper part of your thighs. You’ve pulled your hair back so it won’t get in the way, and you’ve applied a natural amount of makeup—enough to impress further without looking over-the-top. With a confident smile and a careful step in your heels that you don’t typically wear, you reach for your purse and start to make your way out of your apartment.

You pause at the front door, looking through the peephole to make sure the coast is clear. Once you’ve decided that all is well, you let yourself out and lock the apartment door behind you, hurrying over to Javier’s door as quickly and noiselessly as possible. Your knuckles knock against the door gently, and a few moments later it starts to open.

“There you are, bella—I’ve been waiting to find out what we’re…” Javier begins speaking, but he trails off when he has the chance to observe you. You’re sure he doesn’t realize that he’s stopped talking in favor of observing, but nevertheless the action brings the heat to your cheeks along with an overwhelming wave of confidence. His dark gaze moves down your body and then back up again, where he meets your gaze to reveal his pleasant surprise and ardent admiration. “… wow.”

You chuckle lightly, gesturing to the inside of his apartment. “Thanks, but can you let me in before someone sees?”

You don’t have to say another word before Javier reaches for your arm, getting you inside quickly and letting you kick the door closed as he pulls you to him. His lips are on yours before you can process it and you can already feel the tension building within him as his hands pull you as close to him as possible. You keep your hands idly against his chest, but his start to brush lower and lower until they’re ghosting over your ass—but you stop him, reaching for each of his wrists without separating his lips from yours. Javier, however, ends up doing it in his shock, his dark eyes searching yours worriedly for a moment. He’s always afraid he’s gone too far; he constantly asks you if what he’s doing is alright, because he’s faithful to his word of taking things slow. That knowledge only helps your smile to grow more.

“Not yet,” you say, assuring him that his actions are welcome in a different setting. “Not until we get to the bar.”

Javier winces, although you can see the excitement he holds in his gaze at the idea of getting to go out with you. “You make it harder and harder for me to not keep you here and kiss you all night,” he confesses. You laugh softly, taking his hands in yours as you take a small step away from him. “But the bar, you say?”

“Mhm,” you confirm, still smiling. “You need to relax. And I know that doing nothing isn’t your idea of relaxing, so… we’ll go dance.”

“Seeing you dressed like this also isn’t my idea of relaxing,” Javier breathes. “It’s riling me up.” He chuckles a bit as he sees you free one of your hands and use it to swat his shoulder. “Hey, don’t blame me!”

“Save it for the bar,” you emphasize, pointing towards his bedroom. “Go get ready so you don’t have to wait any longer.”

“Am I really the one who’s so anxious to go?” Javier jokes, and you shake your head as you start to shove him in the direction of his room. He lets out a laugh and finally gives in, walking into his room and changing out of his work clothes. Thankfully, he doesn’t take too long, and soon Javier’s reemerging with a sly smile on his lips. His wardrobe choice tells you why he’s looking so smug—his white short-sleeve button-up’s definitely undone a few buttons more than necessary, and his jeans fit tight to his slender legs.

You let out a whistle just to boost his ego, crossing your arms as you raise an eyebrow at him. “Stealing my look now, huh?”

“Hey, it’s all about the coordination, mi amor,” Javier reminds you, pulling you into his side as he gives your head a kiss. “That’s what’s most attractive about couples.”

You look up at him, smiling as you meet his gaze. Sometimes, you still find it hard to believe that you’re truly here with him again, living the life you’ve dreamed about for twenty years and even more. When he makes a comment such as that, you’re forced to remember that it’s real—and it never fails to bring you an overwhelming feeling of butterflies. “I like being a couple.”

Javier releases a chuckle, letting you go but taking your hand as he starts to lead you out of the apartment. “Me too, bella. If only I could brag about it to my teenage self.”

You bite back a laugh as he checks the peephole, only taking you into the hallway when everything’s safe and sound. Javier locks his door behind him and leads you out to his car, opening the door for you just like he did that night at the prom. Your heart softens as you wonder how many other parallels you’ll experience tonight—though you’re sure the dancing’s going to be much different this time around.

“So, I’m assuming that we’re going to the usual place?” Javier’s words snap you out of your brief love-stoned daze, fully grounding you by resting his right hand on your thigh as he starts to drive away.

“Oh! Yes.” You giggle, placing your hand over Javier’s. “Sorry, that was an important detail.”

“Bella, I know you well enough to figure things out like this on my own. Don’t sweat it.” Javier glances over at you to give you a smile. “Sometimes, I think we either both forget that we have thirteen years of previous history or forget that we spent twenty years apart in between then and now.”

You scoff at that. “I feel the same way. I guess it’s all just… a real shock. It’s hard to let it soak in.”

Javier hums in agreement, and then you both sit in a comfortable silence for a few minutes. Eventually, he gives your thigh a soft squeeze, and you look back over at him to see the ghost of a smile on his lips. “You know what this is starting to remind me of?”

“Hm?”

Javier looks over at you quickly, his dark gaze full of fondness. “Prom.”

Your eyes widen at him. “That’s exactly what I was thinking earlier.”

“Too bad I’m not in a tux. I looked good in that.”

“You look good in anything, cariño.”

Javier snickers, shaking his head as he gives your thigh another squeeze. “Don’t be such a tease while I’m driving, bella. I’ll pull over if you’re not careful.”

“Hey—what did I tell you before? Save it for the bar.” You chuckle and lean over to place a kiss on the corner of his lips that you can reach, seeing his brow furrow in frustration as he obviously wishes it could be a full one. “It’ll be worth it. But you have to try to relax.”

“I will.” Javier gives you a nod as he says the words.

Soon, the bar finally comes into view, and you swear you hear Javier thanking the divine as he finds a place to park. He takes your hand again only after he rushes over to your side to open the door, and you mutter something about him trying to be verraco as his hand gives yours a tight squeeze in response. You end up laughing as you step inside the bar, seeing it just as crowded as usual.

“Is there some kind of master plan you have here, or what?” Javier looks over at you, his dark gaze glittering more than it has in much too long.

“One drink,” you tell him, a single brow raised, “and then we dance.”

Javier raises an eyebrow back at you. “Just one? You brought us all the way to a bar for just one drink?”

“It’s about the dancing, idiota. I didn’t waste this outfit so I could get drunk and forget everything—again.”

Javier scans your body again upon referencing your outfit, and his hand snakes around the exposed skin of your waist as he pulls you against him. “I won’t let it go to waste, hermosa. Don’t you worry.”

You smirk up at him, gladly accepting your closeness as you both approach the bar. You order what you want and pay right away, continuing to stand nearby as you converse, laugh, and enjoy your drinks. You’re glad to see the visible weight on Javier’s shoulders fall away more and more with each moment spent talking. You know it’s possible to get him to that place of peace—you’d been able to do it so many times in the past, before Colombia and so much darkness—so you keep sticking to what you know how to do best.

Eventually, the conversation switches to what you hoped to address. “I don’t think I can take one more day of paperwork, Javi,” you say, and you can see Javier’s eyes beginning to darken as his shoulders visibly grow tense once again. Your heart breaks for him as you try to steer him away from the heavy thoughts and feelings that you know he’s experiencing. “But it could be worse.”

“It’d be much different if I’d gotten La Quica,” Javier mutters, that familiar sense of self-hatred dripping into his tone. You bite your lip, thinking through your words before daring to say them. Before you can piece them together, Javier sighs, his gaze falling to the empty glass in his hand. “I fucked up, bella.”

“I know you feel responsible for that, cariño.” You take a deep breath, placing your empty glass and his onto the bar. Your hands then fall on his shoulders, encouraging him to look at you as you continue. “I also know that no matter how many times I tell you that it’s not your fault, you’re not going to listen to me. So… let me offer something else.”

Your hands slide down his arms to take a hold of his, and you begin to lead him into the crowd of people who are already senseless and dancing the night away. You find a space where you won’t feel uncomfortable nor too isolated, still facing him as you wrap your arms loosely around his neck. Your hips already begin to sway to the music, and you’re not shy about letting them brush against Javier’s own as you keep speaking.

“Just think about it.” Your voice is hushed, but still audible over the loud music and chatter. Your eyes never leave his, which are starting to darken more in the way you’d like them to. “When all of this is over, when it’s just you and me one day, is that what you’re going to remember?” As you pause, your fingers start to play with the hair at the nape of his neck, and you feel his hands grip your waist even tighter as he roots you in place against him. “You won’t remember losing a chase. I’d hope that you’d remember moments like these more.”

You slowly move your hips right against his own. Javier releases a hiss at the sensation, one of his hands dropping low to grip your ass as he keeps you tight against him. You release a sound that’s mixed between a whimper and a moan, trying to stifle it to keep yourself grounded in what you’re trying to do for him versus what he’s doing for you. There’ll be plenty of time for that later on. For now, your aim is still to get him to relax.

“Just let… yourself… go.” With the pause between each word, you move against him, drawing yourself even closer to him until you’re chest-against-chest. “Focus on me.” You let one of your hands snake down to the large sliver of exposed chest Javier’s shirt offers you, and you brush it over the heated skin there as you continue looking deep in his eyes. “Focus on us.”

In a sudden and quick movement, Javier turns you around, placing your back against his front as he uses his hands to guide your hips against his. The feeling is enough to send you to an ethereal place, but you still try to remain focused on him as you both continue moving together. Dancing is a regularity for you both, something very familiar and common—but this is a whole different level of it. This is nearly accomplishing on the dancefloor what you’re aiming to do in bed. Yet, it’s also tender, as Javier’s grip never gets too tight and pulls you closer in the act of equal need and desire.

Perspiration begins to form on your forehead from the mixture of the humidity of the Medellín night, the crowded room, and the exercise of your movement. You could care less. You can see Javier’s own sweat glistening on his chest out of your peripherals. The heat of the moment grows the more it extends, and you’re more than okay with losing yourself inside of it. The constant feeling of him against you is driving you crazy, all while you still remain in that tender grasp of his.

It’s when Javier’s lips start brushing against your ear that you truly feel yourself falling away into the place of pleasure you’d been trying to save just for him. “You don’t know how long I’ve waited for a moment like this, bella,” Javier confesses, his voice low and hushed as he mumbles it into your ear. “Years and years of yearning for you, longing to love you first—and touch you second.” As he speaks, he takes one of his hands and brushes it up your front, until the palm of his hand sets itself on the center of your chest—just above the knot of your shirt. You stifle another moan.

“I’m all yours, Javi,” you breathe to him, turning your head to see your lips almost meeting his. Unable to hold back any longer, you use one hand to pull his mouth to yours. Immediately, you begin to devour each other—not willing to spare a single inch between you—as Javier spins you back around and pulls you tight against him. You lift one of your knees against his hip to close the distance even further, one of your hands remaining on his chest for support as the other runs through his thick hair. One of Javier’s hands holds your back as the other grips your ass, making you groan with delight into his mouth. The moment is more heated than any one you’ve experienced yet—and you know that it won’t be much longer until you’re resigning yourself to the experience you’ve been waiting for.

Once you’ve both taken each other’s breath away completely, you separate, panting as you stay close and look deep into each other’s eyes. It’s there—the same thing you’d seen all those years ago in the bed of Javier’s truck. You know you’re ready for it, but you can see the familiar way Javier resigns himself to stopping while you’re ahead. You move to reconnect your mouth and Javier stops you, putting his hand against your cheek to keep you in place. “If we go any further, bella, it’s gonna get dangerous.”

“Then I say we go and finish what we’ve started.” You say the words with severity, suggestion, and seduction, sinking your teeth into your lower lip as you wait for his response.

Javier’s dark eyes widen a bit, and he searches your carefully. “You mean…”

“You know what I mean.”

Javier’s thumb brushes over your cheek as he continues looking deep in your eyes. “Are you sure, querida? I don’t want to—.”

“You’re not, Javi.” You give your head a small shake at that. “This is what I want to do—and that’s why I brought us here. I wanted you to be able to loosen up here so that we can go and we can do this and you won’t have to hold yourself back.”

Javier’s eyes brighten a bit, and he finally gives in with a nod. “Alright.” He then separates himself from you, reaching for your hand as he begins to lead you out of the bar. You feel the anticipation prickling all over your skin, and the heat of the Colombian night doesn’t cool the fire you already feel within. As Javier begins to drive away, once again gripping your thigh with his free hand, you see him give you a quick look. “I just have to make a quick stop.”

You raise an eyebrow. “For what—?” You pause, suddenly realizing what he must be referencing. “… Oh, right.”

“Well, no, I have those,” Javier laughs, giving your thigh a squeeze. You try not to buck at the feeling as you chuckle with him. “I just—I want to make this as special as it should’ve been for your first time. Like a do-over.”

“A do-me-over?” you joke, and you giggle as Javier shakes his head.

“I’m serious, bella. I want you to feel the way you should’ve all those years ago.”

Your heart practically sings at Javier’s caring words, and you bite back a smile as you nod. “Alright, that’s fine. Just don’t be too long.”

Javier snickers. “Someone’s impatient.”

You pinch the skin of his hand that’s on your thigh, causing his touch to recoil for just a quick moment. “It’s been a few decades, cariño. I think I’m justified to this feeling.”

Javier continues to chuckle, suddenly pulling over and putting the car in park. “Give me one second, bella.” Javier gives your cheek a quick kiss before he steps out of the car and disappears into the darkness of the night. You let out a soft sigh, trying to think of what he could possibly be getting as you mind your surroundings. You’re not trying to let something happen to you just moments before reconnecting with Javier in such a way as this. That’s something he’d never forgive himself for.

It’s not much longer before he returns—with nearly a full bouquet of roses in hand. Your eyes widen in shock. “Javi—seriously?” You laugh, yet your chest is warm, and your stomach’s full of butterflies.

“Oh, c’mon, let me be a cheesy romantic for just one night.” Javier sets the bouquet into the backseat and starts to take off again, resigning his hand to its previous position. You remain in a comfortable silence for the rest of your short drive to the apartment building, absentmindedly running your thumb over the skin of Javier’s hand. When you arrive, Javier stops you from getting out, grabbing the bouquet and gesturing for you to give your key to him. “I have to set up.”

You shake your head, smiling as you reach into your purse and give him your key. He takes it and, with a quick wink, heads out of the car. “Be careful!” you whisper-shout to him. “Don’t get caught!”

“I won’t!” Javier assures you, heading inside of the building. You release a sigh, unable to keep the smile off your lips as you bask in all the effort and care Javier’s putting into this. You know that all those years ago, if you’d been honest with him, he would’ve done the same exact thing then. You’ll never be able to fully express your appreciation for the way he cares for you so tenderly. It makes all the years of waiting just that much more worth it. You’ve worked through nearly all your past problems and it’s been one of the most rewarding experiences you’ve gone through.

You’re so lost in your thoughts that you see Javier waving you inside what feels like moments later, and you look around before you emerge and run over to meet him. His hand meets your lower back as he guides you quietly over to your apartment door, where he opens it for you and lets you step inside first. You shake your head as you see the trail of rose petals he’s left going into your bedroom, and you can’t help letting out a small laugh as you look up at him. “You really went this cheesy, huh, cariño?”

“Only for you, mi amor,” Javier remarks, letting you toss your purse to the side as he brings your lips to his. He speaks through his kisses as he goes on. “But there is… one rule. You have… to kiss me… down the entire… trail.”

“You don’t have to ask me twice,” you breathe before keeping your lips firm against his. Javier lets you wrap your legs around his waist as he guides you along the trail he’s made, leading you closer and closer to your sliver of heaven for the night. He only stops when you reach your bedroom, letting you view the work he’s done. Your heart softens when you see the delicate way he’s spread some petals onto the bed, as if he’s aimed to make it a softer place for you to rest upon. Your smile is impossible to hide as you look into his dark and affectionate gaze. “Have I told you how much I love you, Javier?”

Javier returns your smile, brushing his nose against yours. “You have.” He leaves a kiss there. “I love you, too—and now I’ll prove it to you.” He brings you both over to the bed and gently eases your back down onto it, his lips reconnecting with yours as his hands begin to explore the same places they had all those years again. The skin that’s burned and ached for his touch for so many years can barely handle the sensation, and you’re already releasing your sighs of pleasure into his mouth as you begin to work on the buttons of his shirt. It comes off easily, letting your hands meet the smooth skin of his bare torso. Javier’s easily able to tug at the knot of your top, which you hadn’t bothered to wear a bra with, and soon that piece of clothing flies to the floor. Before you know it, there’s absolutely no type of barrier between you, and you’re feeling all of him against all of you as you drown in the addicting feeling of him.

Before he goes any further, Javier lets his face hover over yours, his brow knitted together as he looks in your eyes seriously. “Are you sure you’re okay with this?” Javier’s voice is soft, full of nothing but warmth, affection, and desire. You cup one of his cheeks with your hand, nodding before you pull his lips back to yours.

Reliving the moment that’s haunted you in the best and worst ways for so many years becomes better than you’d even remembered it. You can tell that you’re both better at what you do, now, and it elevates the experience as you suddenly become aware of how dangerously intoxicating this connection is. Javier’s hands continue to explore your body like it’s a piece of art, his mouth only separating from yours to give you praises and mutter his obscenities. It transforms from something slow and passionate to something fast and full of shared desire and desperation, as if you’re finally and fully feeling the true pain of the past twenty years’ separation. There’s nothing either one of you can say other than each other’s names, the moans and groans slipping past your lips along with it. In this moment, you don’t care who hears—all you know is each other, and as you reach that point you can’t return from, you swear you’ve never felt so complete in your entire life.

Moments later, with heaving chests, you watch as Javier collapses beside you and takes you into his arms, lavishing your head and face with kisses as your limbs tangle together. “Te amo,” he murmurs, his voice thick with emotion and truth as he rests his forehead against yours. “You’re incredible in every way, bella. Thank you for giving me a second chance.”

“I love you more than you’ll ever know, cariño.” You give him a quick kiss. “I’m yours now, and I always have been.” You then nestle your face into his neck, breathing him in as you feel him pull you even closer. Javier runs his hand through your hair, and your eyes flutter closed at the feeling.

“Don’t think of falling asleep yet, bella.” Javier chuckles before going on. “We have to make these roses worth their while.”

You raise an eyebrow, leaning back up to meet Javier’s gaze. “I’m down,” you agree, reconnecting your lips with his as you drown completely in the love you have to share—forgetting all about the world that rages just outside your window, ready to threaten whatever you try to hide from it.

translations:

Te amo, hermosa = I love you, beautiful

Te amo mucho, cariño = I love you so much, sweetheart

verraco = hot shit

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