#hes not TOS jim yet and still has to find it in himself to shake off the starfleet militarism whether by his other commissions or his past

[merrysithmas]

just read that Empire article with wesley and am both surprised and pleased he seems genuinely thoughtful and on-point with where TOS kirk would be on his character journey during the snw timeline

[startreckobsessed]

Let you go

Hi! Can i make a request? 🥺 For AOS Leonard Mccoy? With a lil bit of TOS Old Spock. Should probably set on Into Darkness, Bones and reader broke up between the event of the first and second film, so bones was a bit unbothered to flirt with Dr.Marcus (he’s trying to make reader jealous). Old spock talk them out of their misery by telling them that they’re story was quiet unique because in his timeline they didn’t even met, so they should cherish it. (Or whatever, as long as spock intervenes). They talk, and made up. And oh, fluff. Emotional tear jerking fluff. Thank you thank you!!

I have this idea (this was supposed to be a different request, but hey! ), that reader used to date and was in love with this hotshot before she met Leonard. Said ex died in action as a honored captain. Reader was devistated. Again this was supposed a different request, but you can make it as a back story. Can i make this my second request? Hehe 🥺😅

@lykxzandlove Thank you for requesting darling, and thanks for your patience, this one really faught me haha. If you recognise some of the dialogue it's from thirteen reasons why.

Warnings: ANGST ANGST ANGST. I may or may not have cried while writing this.

[[READ MORE]]

You stood in rank dressed in your grey uniform, cap framing your line of vision, shoulder to shoulder between checkov and Sulu as you gazed up at the podium where captain pike was speaking.

"Exceptional courage, is what drives us....

And our crew, is what fuels us..."

Your crew had just finished the first two year leg of your mission. A long two years...

"Let's take a moment to pay tribute to past captain's whom have made the ultimate sacrifice..." the images roll, and a firmiliar face flashed before your eyes and you suck in a breath, squeazing your eyes shut to keep your tears at bay.

You breath out carefully out of your nose, trying desperately to keep the sudden onslaught of emotions contained.

People told you time would numb it, but even give years later, the pain was still fresh and raw each and every time you heard his name, or saw his picture pop up in your records.

You gritted your teeth, struggling to ground yourself in this moment, focusing on your feet on the ground.

You blinked harshly, lifting your face and focusing your attention on captain Pike.

You don't fail to notice the doctors face turned toward you, no doubt brows mashed together over concerned eyes. The urge to meet his eyes and sink into their depths is nearly overpowers your will, but you hold strong, chin high.

------

You had never meant to fall for Leonard. You were deep in it before you even realised what was happening. You were complacent with where you were, some people go their entire lives without knowing true love, you got yours. You didn't feel the need for a new one. But there he came, blazing and true like a comment blasting across the black abyss your crew so faithfully piloted. It happened so naturally, slipping through your defences so you never noticed it.

Until it was too late, and both of you had been wounded in the process.

----

"Sweetheart?" Leonard called from behind you. You cursed silently, slowly turning to face him, trying to keep the guilt off your face as you turned to face him. "You should probably stop calling me that.." You said softly. He frowned, and not the way you liked when he was being sardonic or adorably frustrated with the captain, this one was real.

"Sorry." He said "habit. Are you alright? You left the ceremony yesterday so quickly..." you shake your head, looking away from him. "Fine, I'm fine." You said, swiftly turning and walking away from him. He frowned, looking after you, not noticing his hand was slightly extended, reaching out for you.

------

Later that day, you made your way down to the mess hall, spotting the old Ambasseter Spock, sitting alone by a window. You go through and get your food before approaching the table, greeted by a warm smile.

"Hello ambassator, " you awenered with your own. "Mind if I join you?"

"Not at all Y/N. Your company has always always been welcome." You sit down across from him. "Do tell me, how is the good doctor doing." Your fork freezes near your mouth before you set it down. "Oh, I don't know." He frowns deeply.

"I can't imagine why not." He says. "We-" your voice cracks. You clear your throat. "Were not together anymore." Suprise flits crosses his face.

"Well, now that can't be right." He says. You grimace, "I know, nothing feels right anymore, it's like reality has been tilted on its hinges, but..."

"If you don't mind me prying..." He prompts. "Go ahead, you can ask."

"What caused the separation?"

"me." You say thickly. Unexpectedly he reaches across the table and pats your hand in a grandfatherly gesture.

"And by my estimation, you do not seem satisfied with the conclusion, correct?" You hesitate before nodding. "Then mabey its time to rethink that course of action?" Your eyes widen before you look down at the table, shame radiating off of you. "I can't do that, I've already hurt him too bad, I still hurt him." You grimace, thinking of the encounter in the hallway. "I don't know how to stop hurting him." You say, more to yourself than to him.

"Then perhapse it's time to discover what is hurting you." He says. You look away into the porthole, into the black inky abyss that you sometimes wished would swallow you up.

"You know, you two are a remarkable pair." You look at him quissicly. "What makes you say that?" "In every universe I've traveled there are differences, the events in a person's life, and how they react to them, shape who they become. In every universe a different set of events happen in both of your lives, and yet every single time, one of the only constants I find are both of you coming together, no matter the space or the time nor the obstacles placed before you, the one constant is your souls coming together. And from what I can tell, it hurts your souls to be apart."

Question bubbles to your lips, but you silence it. "Ask your question, Y/N." You smile grimly. "You know me too well." "Well I've only had two lifetimes to know you."

"Where you come from... what are we like?" He smiles fondly, memories coming back to him. He sighs in a melancholy way.

"Your other self passed on just a few months ago, from a human ailement not yet curable, he blames himself for not being able to save you." Your eyes widened before blinking in shock. "Wow, thats... God how is he?" He frowns even more deeply. "Trying to go day by day, but losing someone one loves so deeply for so long... is not an easy thing to accommodate to." "Well whats.." many questions bubble to your lips at once before deciding on one. "I-Is he alone?" You ask, voice cracking. He shakes his head. "The good captain has come to earth to stay with hm, along with your daughter and grandchildren." "Joanna?" He smiles just slightly. "Well I couldn't give everything away could I?" You bark out a teary laugh and he chuckles. "But time, is so very precious my dear, you yourself told me that after your diagnosis." "Well, at least one of us has sense."

"But to thoroughly awenser your question, might I go over a timeline?" "Yes, I'd like that." You sigh, resting your head on your palm. "You met on this ship, like so many other times...."

--------

A few days later, you smooth down your hair as you look in the mirror. You were ready to come clean with Leonard about everything you've been keeping buried. Your heart thundered at the thought of unearthing the source of so much pain, but you were ready to start again with him, start fresh, open and raw, with no secrets.

You exited your quarters and went looking for him. Your fingers nervously tapped against your legs as you walked, looking for him, first going to the Med bay. Christine greeted you, her brows burrowing when you ask for him. "Oh hun, he's off planet on a mission." "Oh." You say "thank you Christine." You say before dashing off for the bridge, where you knew they'd be monitoring.

The tube doors opened up and you made your way to stand next to the captains chair, where Jim was watching. He greeted you silently with a nod, both of you listening to the audio feed coming in. You asked what they were doing, knowing he could probably hear you being so close to Jim. Jim quietly filled you in. "We found some ancient Clingon battle tech on this planet, were trying to salvage it."

"Well sweetheart, there something I can help you with?" His voice came through painfully clear, flirtatious and laying it on thick. Your heart seized and you swallowed against the lump suddenly stuck in your throat

Jim eyed you warily "Dr. McCoy may I remind you you are not there to flirt." He said in a stern voice, concerned for your feelings. Dr. Marcus' voice rang in. "We've got it, beam us up."

Once you saw him you forgot that you were surrounded by your crewmates, your hurt voice ringing out.

"You... You called her sweetheart." You said, betrayal filling you, eyes filling with tears.

Without another word you took off down the adjoining hallway, Leonard taking off after you. You sped until you were in an abandoned hallway two floors down with him still following.

Your face got hot, embarasment taking hold. You didn't want to cry over a tiny little word.

His eyes widened, regret filling them when he saw how hurt you were. "Baby- " he stopped himself. He only called you baby when he was really concerned.

"No, no I'm sorry. It's okay, Carols great, she's a great person." You forced out, turning to try and walk away. He grabbed your arm spinning you back around. "I don't want Carol. I want you. I'm sorry." You blinked. "So your not ready to move on?" He shakes his head vehidamently. "It was stupid. So stupid. I've never done anything like that in my life. I wanted to make you jealous." It felt like all the air was sucked from your lungs.

"You still want me? After evrything-" he shakes his head. "My god woman, were you listening? Yes! I love you." He breaths, gently squeezing your bicep. "But I- I hurt you! I broke up with you without giving you a reason-" "I know, sweetheart." He says Your heart stopped.

"You know?"

"I know as much as I can guess. But why don't you tell me?" You took a shuddering breath.

"So you know I was on a different ship before this one."

"Yes."

"When I went onto that ship from the academy, I came with the captain. He made it so we'd make it onto the same ship, because we were..."

"together?"

You nodded. "We loved each other. He was my captain, and I was by his side as head of security and defense tactics." He nodded, fingers pressed against his lips as he listened. "One day, we were attacked by an enemy bregade, and crash landed us on a deserted planet. In order to save me, he threw himself in front the lazer that would have incinerated me and two other crew members. They would have killed all of us, all it did was incinerate him.

After he was killed the crew, furious overpowered them, and we survived, but..." You trailed off, before looking back to him. "How did you know?"

He sighed, as if debating telling you something. "As part of protocol, a captain must... gain permission from Starfleet to enter into marriage with another crew mate. His request form was entered just a few days before his death, with your name attached." You stilled, before another wave of emotion crashed over you. A sob escaped you, and you leaned against the wall for support, a hand coming up to try to muffle your cries.

Leonard watched you with glassy eyes, your pain like a twisting knife in his chest. He waited for a moment before slowly inching forward to wrap his arms around you, testing the waters. You pull him closer, wrapping your arms tightly around him, his warmth sinking into your cold body. "I'm sorry." He whispers into your neck. "I'm so sorry." You shake your head, pressing your face into his neck. His scent calmed you, and eventually your breathing slowed as his hands rubbed your back. "I love you." You said, his hands paused, and he untangled himself to look at you, hope in his eyes. "Really?" "Yes, I'm sorry I made such a mess. Do you want to try this again?" You ask. He let out a breathless chuckle before pressing his lips to your forehead. "Yes, God yes." You smile teary eyed, bittersweet joy filling you. You placed your hands on both sides of his face before giving him a slow melting kiss, thumbs stroking his face. "I just have to do something first." You say. His brows crease slightly, but he let's you go. "Okay.." He says uuncertainly

You smile. "I'll come and see you at dinner, okay?" "Yeah, I'll see you."

---------

You entered your quarters without turning on the light, blindly reaching for your padd. It glowed brightly in the darkness of your room, easily finding the picture of him you loved the most, him dashing in his captains uniform hat just a little bit crooked, every inch of him glowing from happiness. Hot thick tears leaked from your eyes as You gently placed your padd on the table in front of your window, his face materializing against the empty black abyss, somewhere where you knew his ashes were scattered, floating forever in the universe, amidst stardust and wonder.

"I love you." You whispered into the silence, looking at him. "Wherever you are, I hope you know that I love you. I hope you know that I'll never not love you... a good friend once told me, I can love you, and still let you go.... I know one day, thinking about you won't hurt so much, and the other feelings will fade, and I'll be only left with love. The way you loved me so fiercly and how i loved you. I'll never forget you i promise, how could I? Even when I'm dying I know you'll come back to me, when I'm old and tired. But there is this amazing man that I love that wants to love me, and I think I'm ready to be happy again. I know you'd want me to be." You looked back at his flickering image

"I hope we meet again. And So, Derek.... I love you, and I let you go. And I hope wherever you are, you feel peace, you feel safe...and I hope you know that I love you." You say, a feeling of weight being stripped off of you makes you feel lighter, and a strange peace settles over you, and somehow you know he hears you.

"I'll never forget you."

[spacedancer1701]

Another Life - a Star Trek fic -  (Chapters 51 - 55)

Sequel to ‘On Borrowed Time’

Fandoms: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series (TOS), Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (AOS) Pairing: McCoy x Original Female Character (Dr. Jennifer Hope) Characters: The Crew of the USS Enterprise (NCC-1701) Rating/Warnings: None Tags: Romance, Friendship, Love, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, Angst/H/C, Caring/Protective/Tender/Comforting/Happy/Grumpy/Worried McCoy Word Count: This is a long one. Again. 😄 (71 chapters - 177k)

Read it on AO3: Another Life  

Chapter 51              

As soon as the Enterprise had taken up orbit around Iridis, Hope and McCoy beamed down to the governmental emergency camp, far enough away from the battle zone to be safe from radiation. The doctor had brought as many relevant medical supplies and tools as he’d been able to justify taking from the Enterprise, which the Iridians gratefully accepted. With time being of the essence, Hope and McCoy were promptly briefed on the current situation and handed their protection suits, before being transported to the most recent bomb site.

McCoy didn’t see much of Hope after that, him being put in charge of the main surgical team, and her being recruited for the search and rescue team. With all that was going on amidst the chaos and devastation, the doctor had his hands full from the moment they arrived, and there was simply no time to worry about her. He was still relieved, though, when, a few hours later, he caught a brief glimpse of her, immediately recognising her in her slightly too big protection suit as she tenderly cradled a dying child in her arms, the heart-breaking image forever etched into his mind and his soul.

When he saw Hope again, almost twenty hours later, after having been decontaminated and transported back to the camp for the compulsory rest period, she was grey-faced and shaking with horror and fatigue. And when she looked at him as if daring him to say, ‘I told you so’, he just wordlessly took her in his arms, holding her tight as they both silently wept for the innocent victims of this obnoxious war.

They still didn’t speak as they made their way to their allocated ‘sleeping cubicle’, grabbing a couple of nutrition bars and water bottles on the way, and, completely shattered, fell on a bunk, not even considering separate beds for the few hours of sleep.

“Talk to me, love,” McCoy said softly, cradling Hope’s trembling body in his arms and taking her hand in his, remembering all the missions where he’d held her hand to go to sleep, which seemed like a lifetime ago.

“I’m fine, Leonard, go to sleep,” Hope mumbled tiredly, her words slurred from exhaustion.

“No, you’re not,” the doctor insisted, pained by her obvious distress and trying to fight his own fatigue. “You need to talk about this, love. Don’t bottle it up, please!”

“And you need to sleep. We both do,” was her short reply, her voice quivering in time with her body.

“There’s no satisfaction in having been right, you know,” the doctor murmured softly, his heart breaking as he pulled her closer against his chest. “You don’t have to pretend you’re not shocked to the core. When I said this would break you and I wouldn’t have time to look after of you, I didn’t mean I wouldn’t be there for you. That you couldn’t let me see how it affects you.”

“I’m so sorry, Leonard,” Hope burst out, clinging to him tightly, her voice choked with anguish. “You were right. I didn’t have the faintest idea how terrible it would be. You just wanted to protect me. Like you always do. But I’m not sorry I came. How could I not have come? Even if it only makes the slightest difference.”

“I’m sorry, too,” McCoy said quietly, caressing her back and resting his cheek against the top of her head. “But I’m also glad you came. We do whatever we can to save as many kids as possible, and yet, it’s still too little too late for so many of them. But if your being here means that even just one child is found that wouldn’t have been found otherwise, or that at least some of the kids who are beyond saving don’t have to die alone but in someone’s loving arms instead, it makes a huge difference.”

The doctor’s voice broke and angry, desperate tears started streaming down his face.

“We’ll get through this together, love,” he whispered. “I’m really grateful you’re here. I need you by my side.”

They both fell silent, just holding each other tightly and drawing comfort from the other’s presence.

Exactly as it should be, Jenny thought lovingly, before falling into a deep, dreamless sleep.

-x-x-x-x-x-

The next day was a repeat of the first, and so was the day after that, leaving Jenny and McCoy ever more exhausted and frustrated.

Enough! Jenny thought, fighting against her growing lethargy and hopelessness. Something has to be done. We’re Starfleet officers, for heaven’s sake! We have the power, and the responsibility, to change things!

McCoy was up to his neck in fighting to save lives, so finding a solution on a grander scale was left to her. She’d have to find a way to convince the Iridians of re-joining the Federation. Or at least ask for their help. Besides, the Enterprise couldn't stay in orbit around Iridis forever, in fact, three days were about the maximum Kirk could justify. After that, he’d have to take the ship away and leave her and the doctor stranded here for the time being.

But having the Enterprise of all starships at their disposal was the best thing that could have happened to the Iridians, Jenny realised. They should really take advantage of that. She had to make them see reason.

So, Jenny contacted the captain, told him of her plan, and was grateful to get both his and Spock’s valuable advice on how best to proceed. Spock provided her with all the data she needed, and told her who to try and contact, while Kirk coached her on what to say and how best to go about persuading the Iridians to officially request the Federation’s assistance.

Jenny didn’t discuss any of this with McCoy. Before falling asleep, she just told him that she’d been talking to Kirk and would be meeting some Iridian officials the next day, which he acknowledged with a tired grunt but didn’t question any further. He was totally focused on the medical side of things, as he should be, and really needed all the sleep he could get.

Witnessing Leonard’s utter devotion to his job as a healer never failed to melt Jenny’s heart and remind her of how much she loved him. And seeing the tiny sparks of joy for every life he’d saved shine through his general air of despair at not being able to stop all the horror and devastation around them, reassured her that he was still a long way from giving up or breaking down.

-x-x-x-x-x-

Kirk had been relieved to hear from Hope, and was very supportive, if a little doubtful, of her plan to get the Iridian government to consider re-joining the Federation. The condensed version she’d given them of the situation she and McCoy were finding themselves in had been enough to make the captain’s hair stand on end, and he’d been more than happy to share his thoughts on how best to approach the Iridian officials, promising to stand by in case the Iridians wanted to negotiate.

So, knowing Hope, Kirk wasn’t completely surprised when he and Spock were asked to beam down to meet with the Iridian government early the next afternoon. His head of linguistics was certainly a force to be reckoned with, he thought proudly, feeling sorry for anyone who’d underestimate Hope because of her youth or delicate appearance.

Obviously, Hope had got the government officials to agree that being part of the Federation, even if it meant an infringement on their ‘absolute freedom’, was preferable to being all alone and vulnerable, exposed to ruthless attacks like the one they were currently experiencing.

Her reasoning was almost instantly proven right, when even just the news of Kirk’s visit to the government and the Enterprise’s presence in orbit led to an immediate cessation of hostilities. The cowardly rebels apparently didn’t want to take on the Federation. And Captain Kirk was quite obviously a man whom a certain reputation preceded. The stories of his many victories over hostile aggressors were well known all around the galaxy.

Unfortunately, with the Enterprise now officially in the picture, one of the rebel leaders had acted fast and successfully fled Iridis, but Kirk was confident that he wouldn’t get far. His identity was known, and, being one of the most wanted criminals of the galaxy already, it was only a matter of time until he’d be apprehended.

As for the second leader and the co-conspirators, the captain got word of them having turned themselves in before he’d even left the negotiating table. Satisfied with the outcome of his talks with the Iridian government, and immensely happy to know that Bones was finally out of danger again, Kirk requested to wait for his friend’s return at the emergency camp to give him the good news in person. And to reassure himself that the doctor was – at least physically – unharmed.

-x-x-x-x-x-

When McCoy returned to the camp after yet another horrible day knee deep in severely injured patients, most of them children, he was too exhausted to even feel the rage that usually claimed him as soon as his thoughts weren’t fully focused on his job anymore. But when he spotted Jim waiting for him, his heart almost stopped, immediately thinking that his friend was here because something terrible had happened to Hope.

It took his weary eyes and mind a few moments to take in Kirk’s beaming smile, suggesting that the captain had quite obviously come bearing good news, whatever they were, and his legs almost gave out with the sheer relief of that realisation. Jim had to reach out and steady him, his wide grin giving way to a worried frown at the doctor’s dizzy spell, but McCoy quickly waved his concerns away, sitting down in the nearest chair and gruffly demanding to know what Kirk was doing here.

One of the other doctors, who’d just returned with him, handed him a bottle of water as well as a bag of nuts, which McCoy gratefully accepted, before settling back and listening intently as Jim explained that the Iridians had finally asked the Federation for help, and that the attacks were over.

The doctor felt a weight being lifted off his shoulders. There would be no more victims, robbed of any future. No more watching innocent kids suffer and die, no more ghastly injuries that he knew, even as he treated them, would never fully heal, no more saving children from death while knowing they’d never be able to lead normal, painless lives again. It was only when Kirk handed him a tissue and patted his shoulder, that he noticed the tears running down his face.

“How did you manage to do that, Jim?” McCoy asked, impressed, as always, by his friend’s unsurpassed resourcefulness and diplomatic skills.

“I didn’t! Your girlfriend did,” Kirk grinned, to the doctor’s surprise, and McCoy’s heart melted at the pride in the captain’s voice and eyes.

Jim went on to tell him the whole story, finishing enthusiastically with, “She made this happen, Bones! She effectively stopped this war. Hope’s a hell of a Starfleet officer, and more than a little manipulative if she sets her mind to it.”

That made McCoy chuckle, knowing exactly how ‘manipulative’ Hope could be. No matter how annoyed he was with her, he simply couldn't stay angry, when she remorsefully fluttered her eyelashes at him. And her puppy-dog looks certainly made it impossible for him to deny her anything. He was just glad Jenny was such a good person and would never take advantage of the power she held over him. At least not where it wasn’t appropriate.

“Really, Bones, Hope is brilliant,” Kirk went on fervently, and the doctor could see that the captain, despite being prone to exaggeration, meant it. “And courageous as hell. She’s definitely going places.”

“I never doubted that,” McCoy smiled, feeling prouder than ever of the woman he was lucky enough to share his life with.

“Good thing you’re such a great team,” the captain continued more quietly, looking straight into McCoy’s eyes, his expression growing serious. “Because she sure isn’t going anywhere without you. She loves you with all her heart, Bones. I hope you know how much she adores and admires you. She asked for leave just to be here with you, and damn the consequences. Did you know that?”

“I guessed as much,” the doctor replied softly, thinking that, of course, he’d known that Jim couldn't actually have sent her, but only just realising the full implications of her decision to come with him.

Kirk must have seen the amazement on McCoy’s face, as he suddenly started to grin and clapped a friendly hand on the doctor’s back.

“You’re one lucky bastard, Bones,” the captain laughed, fondly shaking his head. “And you more than deserve it. Just, please, don’t ever let her go again. Or drive her away because you think she deserves better or something. You were made for each other. Anyone can see that. You bring out each other’s full potential. There have never been two people better suited for a long and happy life together.”

-x-x-x-x-x-

McCoy and Hope stayed on Iridis for another two days, the doctor refusing to leave before having made sure that every last patient was safe and got the best possible treatment, and Jenny refusing to leave his side.

When they finally returned to the Enterprise, totally worn out but immensely relieved, they went straight to McCoy’s quarters and slept for ten hours straight. By the time they woke up again, it was the middle of the night on the ship.

They knew they should talk. There was certainly a lot to talk about, to help each other cope with everything they’d seen. But they didn’t feel like talking at all. Not just yet. All they wanted in that moment was to feel the warmth and comfort of being alive and together. To make love and forget about everything else.

And that’s exactly what they did. Although not quite the way they usually celebrated their love and enjoyed each other’s bodies. Not hot, not passionate, no teasing, no games. Nothing wild or ecstatic, just slow, and soft, and tender. Quietly, and silently, drawing comfort from each other, finding pleasure in their reassuring closeness rather than in unbridled desire. And once again, in perfect accord with each other on what they wanted and needed.

Chapter 52              

A/N: As you’ve probably guessed by now, I’m as passionate about music and dancing as Hope is. 😊 There’s a lot of music from Hope’s past mentioned in this chapter, and if you’d like to have the ‘soundtrack’, I’ve put together a ‘playlist’ at the end of chapter 52.

Jenny and McCoy resumed their duties the next day. She felt it would do her good to go back to her normal routine, and the doctor supported her suggestion. He insisted, however, that they talk about everything in the evening. Properly and at length. He understood that she didn’t want to dwell all day on the atrocities she’d seen, but was convinced that the quickest way to put the traumatic experience behind them was to actively deal with it instead of letting it fester at the back of their minds.

So they talked, and cried, and held each other for half of the next couple of nights, and Jenny had to admit that she really felt lighter with every memory she shared with Leonard. Although she seemed to do a lot more of the sharing than he did. In typical McCoy manner, he’d made it all about her. Yet, she sensed that it was therapy for him just as much as it was for her.

The doctor just couldn't help it, he always needed to be – or at least pretend to be – strong. Strong for her, to make her feel safe and cared for. And she did, for which she loved him. Just as she loved him for the unfailing gentleness with which he coaxed things out of her. But she was also quite aware that it was his coping mechanism as much as anything else. Being strong for others was his very own way of dealing with trauma.

Of course, Jenny knew that Leonard had a lot more experience than she had, that he’d seen horror and devastation like they’d encountered on Iridis before, maybe even worse. But she also knew that it still affected him immensely. Probably just as much as the first time. Hard-bitten and cynical as he liked to present himself to the world, Jenny knew him better. Behind all the talk, underneath all the professionalism, he was the most sensitive and empathetic man imaginable. Another one of the many reasons she loved him so much.

Half a week after their return to the Enterprise, Jenny finally felt positivity starting to fill her soul again. Seeing the beauty of things, feeling optimistic and confident again. And, above all, allowing herself to feel proud of having had a part in ending this atrocious war on Iridis. A fact that Kirk and McCoy didn’t hold back on and reminded her several times a day.

“You’re an awesome lady!” currently seemed to be the doctor’s favourite phrase, always delivered with a wondrous shake of his head and eternal love and admiration in his eyes. And even though Jenny knew that Leonard was biased and enjoyed few things more than boosting her confidence, hearing these words of praise from him was still music to her ears.

-x-x-x-x-x-

During her days of grief and dealing with the aftermath of Iridis, Jenny’s friends had kept a respectful distance, realising that she wasn’t yet ready to sing, or dance, or generally enjoy herself again. But as soon as they noticed her changing back to her old, cheerful self, Uhura practically pounced on her, eager to make that party she’d promised happen.

It had obviously been extremely hard for Nyota to wait that long, but seeing that after what Jenny had been through partying was not the most appropriate thing to do, she’d managed to restrain herself. Now, however, Uhura was adamant to get the party rolling as soon as possible.

“Nothing better to cheer you up than an evening full of music and dancing. Of letting your hair down,” she beamed, and Jenny had to admit that Nyota was right. She could definitely do with a party like that now.

As it turned out, the surprise Uhura and Spock had been working on was a massive compilation of rock, pop, and country songs from the late 1900s. It was an impressive collection of songs, most of which Jenny hadn’t heard since her ‘first life’. How they’d even managed to get their hands on all these tracks was a miracle to her. A miracle which she gave Spock most of the credit for. He was an incredible – and incredibly resourceful – researcher. It must have been nearly impossible, a true labour of love – love for her, in this case, and Jenny deeply appreciated it.

Music had always been an important factor in her life, practically all of her memories, the good ones as well as the bad ones, came with their own ‘soundtrack’.  She’d often talked about this with Uhura, who felt very similar about music, and had quite obviously been the driving force behind this project.

Jenny was so overwhelmed when they handed her their gift in form of a record tape, she couldn't stop hugging and kissing Nyota. Or beaming at Spock like a goon, trusting that, the way she knew him by now, he didn’t mind, and even secretly enjoyed her display of overjoyed gratitude.

She was just glad that she’d had the foresight to teach anyone interested a lot of dance moves and styles from that era, and that Chekov, as well as a lot of her friends, knew how to do ‘The Hustle’ or ‘Disco Fox’. Now that she had all those songs at her disposal, this was going to be the party of her life.

Jenny just couldn't wait for evening to come, overwhelmed with joy, anticipation, and a feeling of immense gratitude and love for Uhura and Spock to have put in all those hours just to make her happy. She was truly blessed with her friends. And with the man in her life, who stoically endured her excited babbling and general display of unrestrained exhilaration for hours, the indulgent smile and loving gaze never leaving his face.

-x-x-x-x-x-

McCoy couldn't get enough of watching Hope dancing and moving to the music, completely lost in the rhythm, as if she didn’t have a care in the world. Sitting next to Jim and Scotty, nursing a drink, he was immensely glad to see her in such high spirits again.

Only someone who’d seen similar horror could understand how an experience like Iridis affected your whole being, invading every waking thought the moment you stopped focusing on your job or some other urgent matter, and even following you into your dreams. Of course, the doctor hadn’t told Hope that, no matter how often you saw horrors like these, you never got used to them.

When she’d arranged to come with him, he’d been so scared that her gentle, innocent soul would take permanent damage, but he’d once again underestimated Hope’s strength. Yes, she’d been upset, shocked, horrified by the whole experience, but by taking action and helping to end the terror, she’d turned it into something meaningful, something she could live with and even be proud of. He certainly was.

Looking at her now, McCoy couldn't remember ever seeing her happier. Or more hyped up. His heart was soaring just watching her. She’d always been an incredible dancer, but tonight, every song seemed to have its own choreography. And it probably had, since these were all her songs. Songs she’d grown up with, and which Spock and Uhura had painstakingly researched and accumulated for her.

Just the memory of Hope’s delighted squeals, when she’d skipped through the list of songs that her friends had surprised her with this afternoon, put a fond smile on the doctor’s face. Uhura hadn’t even tried to hide her excitement over their gift. But McCoy could have sworn that he’d detected delight in Spock's eyes too.

The long list of names, singers and bands most of which the doctor had never heard of, had certainly made Hope’s day, and she’d reverently kept murmuring them to herself, like a mantra, while they’d got ready for the party.

“This is going to be just like one of my high school parties!” Hope had gushed, grinning from ear to ear, her delight contagious. “I can’t believe I’ll be dancing to all those Bryan Adams and Bruce Springsteen songs again. Or to Gloria Gaynor and Michael Jackson. And there’ll be Rod Stewart, Elton John, Phil Collins, too! I’m just glad I taught half the ship how to properly disco dance!”

While they’d got dressed, Hope had kept running to him for kisses, or hugs, or just to beam at him, all the time, her happiness tangible, and McCoy hadn’t been able to take his eyes off her ever since.

Right now, she was dancing, or rather bouncing to ‘I Am What I Am’. He’d never heard the original version until now, but Hope had performed this with the band on several occasions, and he’d always thought the song suited her perfectly. She and Uhura appeared as powerful as the words of the song, their dance moves simply mesmerising to watch.

The next song was ‘I Will Survive’ by the same singer, and McCoy saw Hope almost bubbling over with energy. Another perfect song for her, although – hopefully – not quite in the context of the lyrics. But there was no question that Hope was a true survivor. Even though in her skin-tight jeans, white crop top, flats and ponytail, she looked more like the high school girl she’d mentioned earlier, sweet, young, and vulnerable, making him feel even more protective of her than he usually did.

Thinking of her as a high school girl, McCoy was gripped by another strange feeling. Almost like jealousy. But not of a particular person. More of memories he could never share. A whole life he could never share. A world he could never see. Loving her as he did, he wanted to know everything about her, but that just wasn’t possible. Not that he’d tell her, of course. He wasn’t proud of these jealous feelings only ever she seemed to bring out in him. Although she probably knew him well enough to notice them anyway.

Hope had been dancing for two hours straight already, just taking a short break when someone offered her a drink. He’d never known anyone more energetic than her. Once again, McCoy was reminded of their age difference. It was so obvious. Her energy seemed to be never-ending. And while he was certainly fit for his age, he was clearly no match for Hope’s level of fitness. But then, few people were. He’d probably have had a hard time keeping up with her when he’d actually been her age.

Casting a quick glance at Jim, who was trying to have a conversation with Scotty over the almost deafening music, the doctor took a sip from his drink, his old doubts arising again. Did he really have a right to love her? To want her to spend the rest of her life with him, an old divorcee? To rob her of the chance to find someone her own age, someone as full of energy as she was? Someone with a brilliant career still ahead of them, just like her?

He’d been through this a million times in his head. Had asked himself the same questions over and over again. And the answer was always the same.

Yes!

Yes, he had every right. Because, unfathomable and perplexing as it was, he made her happy. He truly did. And she’d told him time and again that they didn’t have to do everything together all of the time. That he didn’t have to come dancing with her if he was tired after a long day. That it was perfectly all right to do separate things. That she didn’t expect them, didn’t even want them to be joined at the hip, as she’d put it.

Unlike his ex-wife, she trusted him completely, and didn’t mind if he couldn't or wouldn’t join her in all her activities. She wasn’t bothered if he did his own thing, disappeared into the depths of a lab, was engrossed in a medical journal or a thrilling history book, or even just met up with friends without her. Quite the contrary, she enjoyed having her own life. And he had to admit that that suited him just fine. Especially on a starship, where everyone seemed to live in one another’s pockets anyway, it was actually quite nice to have something interesting to tell each other in the evenings.

The music was quietening down a little, McCoy noticed, as the lights, which had been dimmed all evening, started to fade even more. Not in volume, unfortunately, but the next song was definitely slower.

‘Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You’ was sounding from the speakers, and Hope’s gaze met his, the undisguised love in her eyes almost taking his breath away. Trust her to immediately look at him, when the lyrics of a song ‘demanded’ it. And, boy, that song was beautiful, the words going straight to his heart. And to other parts of his body, too. He certainly couldn't take his eyes off her. And she was definitely ‘too good to be true’ as well as ‘heaven to touch’.

The two of them stared into each other’s eyes across the dimly lit space, and the doctor’s heart just melted knowing that Hope had eyes only for him, even when she was dancing with someone else.

“Very subtle Bones!” Jim’s voice suddenly rang in his ear, as the captain shouted over the hubbub, breaking the spell and reminding him that his relationship with Hope was actually still a secret.

McCoy quickly looked away, and straight into Kirk’s grinning face.

“Not sure, you’re actually still fooling anyone, but if you keep staring at her like that, you might as well make a ship-wide announcement,” the captain laughed, then smilingly shook his head when Scotty asked him to repeat what he’d just said, because he hadn’t been able to hear him over the din, as he called it.

The doctor snorted into his glass, then asked Scotty why he wasn’t on the dancefloor, only to be completely taken aback when the chief of engineering put down his glass, shrugged, and got up, heading straight over to Hope, asking her to dance.

McCoy felt annoyingly miffed, watching Scotty’s arms wrap around Hope’s waist, only to be immediately mollified when she grinned at him over the engineer’s shoulder, motioning for him to listen to the song, which was obviously another favourite of hers.

‘Making Love Out of Nothing at All’. Oh, yes, Hope could certainly do that. ‘I know just where to touch you’. God, had she just winked at him? Of course, she had, the little minx. And she knew exactly what she was doing to him.

Scotty’s stunt at dancing lasted only one song before one of his young ensigns from engineering took over, the music turning even slower.  

The sound of ‘Have I Told You Lately That I Love You?’ filled the whole deck, sending thrilling shivers down McCoy’s spine, and he was helpless to keep his eyes from meeting Hope’s again. Gazing deeply into each other’s eyes, the doctor didn’t even mind when he saw the ensign pulling her closer. Not much, anyway.

‘Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness, ease my troubles, that’s what you do.’ He couldn't have put it better himself.

Thank you, Mr. Stewart, for writing a song about Hope and me, McCoy thought, feeling all soft and mellow inside.

Chekov took over from the other ensign, and the doctor saw a teasing smirk appear on Hope’s face as the first bars of the next song rang out, her eyes sparkling with mischief as she winked at him again. ‘Hey little girl is you daddy home?’ were the first words of the song, and he looked at her with mock irritation for poking fun at him like that. Really? Dancing with young Chekov to that song and teasing him about it? As if he weren’t feeling old enough already.

I sure am on fire, missy, McCoy thought, echoing the chorus of the song. And I’m so going to prove it to you tonight.

‘Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love for You’ was next, and as the song progressed, it seemed to him that Chekov was holding Hope just a tad too tight. And that kind of bothered him. A little. But the doctor found that he also felt a bit sorry for Chekov. It wasn’t his fault that he was so in love with Jenny. In fact, McCoy couldn't imagine anyone not being in love with her. Was the poor guy actually still hoping? Probably.

Hope threw the doctor a meaningful look when the next song started, urging him to listen to the lyrics of ‘I Want to Know What Love Is’. And he did. She knew him so well. Those were his exact feelings. A bit like the story of his life. A lonely life, in a way, despite all his friends, until he’d met her. There’d definitely been heartache and pain in his life, too. And now love had found him. Hope had found him.

Unable to contain his feelings any longer, McCoy got up and started towards the dancefloor. It was his turn to dance with her now. He needed to feel her close. And clearly seeing the infatuation on Chekov’s face, he was probably doing the young man a favour, too. Better bring him back to reality now, before he really had his heart broken.

The doctor knew that Hope had talked to Chekov about her feelings. Or non-feelings. And that she thought Pavel had understood and accepted the way things were between them. She just didn’t get that there was a huge gap between knowing and feeling. Only another man in love with her could really understand that giving up hope, or Hope, was simply impossible, and Chekov needed to be regularly reminded that he couldn't have her. Anything else would be cruel, even though Hope certainly didn’t mean to be.

However, just before McCoy could reach out to tap Chekov on the shoulder, this Michael Jackson guy and some other fellow started to sing ‘The Girl Is Mine’, stopping the doctor in his tracks, feeling ridiculous to claim Hope for exactly this dance. Looking at him from where she was still tightly ensconced in Chekov’s arms, Hope, of course, immediately caught on to his dilemma and started to giggle, just the sight of her happy, amused face instantly lifting his heart.

McCoy waited well into the next song, before finally taking over from Chekov. It hadn’t even been three hours since he’d last kissed Hope in his quarters, but it felt like an eternity to him. Talk about doing their own thing and not being joined at the hip. If he thought he could actually stay away from Hope for a serious amount of time, he was surely deceiving himself.

After she’d let go of Chekov, thanking him and turning towards McCoy, feeling her slide into his arms with such natural ease, made him feel as if he were floating. As if he’d been holding his breath for the longest time, and was finally able to breathe easy again.

‘Just the Way You Are’, another beautiful song. He certainly wouldn’t want Hope to change in any way. She was perfect. And what’s more, she loved him just the way he was, too. A fact that would never cease to amaze him.

“Billy Joel sure knows what he’s talking about,” Hope smiled, looking up at him and comfortably snuggling closer as they slowly moved to the music.

McCoy was suddenly feeling rather self-conscious. They’d never before been this kind of intimate in front of others, and he felt all eyes on them. Although he was probably just imagining it. But, almost drowning in Hope’s eyes, so beautiful, so full of love, he found that somehow, he didn’t even really care if they were the centre of attention.

The song morphed into another. ‘Can’t Fight This Feeling’. The doctor couldn't help chuckling to himself, when he found it another perfectly fitting song. Could this be coincidence? Spock of all people had volunteered to play DJ when Hope had announced that a DJ was absolutely necessary for this kind of party. Could Spock be doing this on purpose? To provoke him into something? Farfetched as it seemed, he wouldn’t put it past his Vulcan friend, who might be subtler than Jim, but was certainly no less of a meddler.

The next song was one McCoy knew well, and possibly Hope’s favourite country song of all times.

‘Amazed’, exactly what I am by her, the doctor thought lovingly, the familiar words seeming truer than ever. I couldn't express my feelings for her any better.

Unthinkingly, he pulled her even closer, moving like in a trance, completely losing himself in her. Everybody around them seemed to fade away, until it was just the two of them. Her head resting against his chest, her arms around his neck, he held her so tight, he was afraid he might squash her. Burying his face in her hair, eyes closed and breathing in her familiar scent, he thought he’d never wanted her more than he did at that very moment.

And just as he thought his heart would burst with love and desire, the first chords of another song he knew rang out. A classic, and definitely one of his own favourites. At least since he’d known Hope, who had performed it so many times. ‘To Make You Feel My Love’.

Hearing this song now, McCoy lost all sense of where he was, slowly moving, swaying to the rhythm, touching, inhaling, drinking in Hope, who was looking up at him now, her soulful eyes telling him how much she loved him, too. And before he knew what he was doing, just before the end of the song, his lips found hers to kiss her tenderly, hungrily, right there in front of everyone.

He heard people cheering and even applauding all around them. Of course, they’d only been waiting for him and Hope to ‘slip up’ and finally bring their relationship out into the open. And part of him registered joy at their crewmates’ obvious approval. But even if everyone were booing and hissing right now, he could never stop kissing her. Which she didn’t seem to mind at all. Matter of fact, she seemed just as eager as he was.

It was strange, they’d kissed a thousand times before, went to bed together every night and had done a million more intimate things already. And yet, McCoy was so used to being distant and acting respectably in public, this kiss almost felt like their first.

And to the sound of ‘Everything I Do, I Do It for You’, they just kept on swaying and kissing, and unabashedly showing their love for everyone to see. It felt great. More than that. It felt spectacular, and incredible, and amazing.

Oh yes, the doctor thought, gazing into Hope’s eyes and seeing right into her heart, Mr. Adams is absolutely right.

He’d do anything for Hope, give anything, including his life. Because there was no love like her love, nothing he wanted more, and certainly worth dying for. Because life without her had become unthinkable.  

Playlist (chapter 52):

Gloria Gaynor – I Am What I Am

Gloria Gaynor – I Will Survive

Gloria Gaynor – Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You

Air Supply – Making Love Out of Nothing at All

Rod Stewart – Have I Told You Lately

Bruce Springsteen – I’m on Fire  

Glenn Medeiros – Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love for You

Foreigner – I Want to Know What Love Is

Michael Jackson / Paul McCartney – The Girl Is Mine

Billy Joel – Just the Way You Are

REO Speedwagon – Can’t Fight This Feeling

Lonestar – Amazed

Garth Brooks (Bob Dylan) – To Make You Feel My Love

Bryan Adams – (Everything I Do) I Do It for You

Chapter 53              

Jenny thought all her Christmases had come at once. Safely ensconced in McCoy’s strong and tender arms, at liberty to show the whole world how much she loved him, she was dancing to some of her favourite music, which she hadn’t heard in ages, and had been convinced never to hear again. If this was cloud nine, she definitely wanted to stay. That Leonard had decided – or at least allowed himself – to kiss her like this in front of everyone had surprised her in the most pleasant and delightful way.

She knew, of course, that the doctor had tried to keep their relationship secret for her sake, and not because he felt ashamed of her or wasn’t committed enough. But she realised that, actually for some time now, she’d felt secure enough in her role as Starfleet officer and department head, had actually started to make a name for herself already on the Lexington, to not be afraid of being branded as Dr. McCoy’s little protégé anymore.

And just the thought of not having to sneak in and out of his quarters any longer, or to have to stop herself from seeking or giving comfort in front of others when the situation called for it, was liberating beyond words. For the first time ever, she could simply be herself on the Enterprise, without having to choose every word and consider every move carefully.

She’d hated the secrecy when it had all been about her past, and then again, when she couldn't openly show her feelings for the wonderful doctor. But now she just couldn't stop grinning. Her friends’ reaction was terrific. And heart-warming. They all seemed to be so happy for them. So supportive. She was incredibly blessed indeed.

The music was suddenly turned down for an announcement of an incoming transmission from Starfleet to Captain Kirk, and the captain quickly disappeared out the door to take the call in private. When he returned a few minutes later, there was a disgruntled and almost worried frown on his face, and Jenny wondered what the call might have been about. Leonard kept throwing Kirk concerned glances, too, but got no reaction from his friend, who just put his party smile back in place and motioned for everyone to continue enjoying themselves.

McCoy pulled her close again, drawing her into another passionate kiss as the next slow song started, only to end up giggling against each other’s lips when Sulu started a chant of “Get a room!”, prompting the doctor to grab her by the hand, pull her towards the exit, and slyly tell his cheering crewmates, “You know, we just might!”

Once outside, they made their way to the CMO’s quarters in record time, laughing and chortling all the way, and Jenny had never felt lighter. Or happier. Or more in love. As soon as the doors had slid shut behind them, they stumbled towards the bed, blindly fumbling with each other’s clothes, their lips firmly connected in a fervent kiss once again.

After having teased and flirted with Leonard all evening, Jenny couldn't wait to be at his – or have him at her – mercy again, but something wasn’t quite right. She could feel that his heart wasn’t in it as much as it should. He almost seemed distracted.

“Are you worried about the captain?” she asked, pausing in her endeavours to rid him of his clothes.

“Why?” McCoy shot back a little too quickly, and Jenny could see a flicker of guilt cross his face.

“Well, he did seem rather preoccupied after the call from Starfleet, don’t you think?” she continued gently, hoping to convey that she understood his concern and wasn’t mad at him for worrying about his friend when, by rights, he should really only be focusing on her.

“You’re right, love,” the doctor sighed, looking at her apologetically, “he seemed really tense.”

“Do you want to go talk to him?” Jenny suggested softly. “Maybe he could do with a friend now.”

McCoy searched her face for a long moment, obviously trying to gauge if she was being serious.

“You need me, too, love,” he finally said, his kind eyes travelling all over her body and back to her face. “After all, I’ve just made our relationship official without so much as discussing it with you first.”

“And we can celebrate later,” Jenny beamed, planting a chaste kiss on his lips, then laughed, “Oh, Leonard, don’t look so conscious-stricken! I have nothing to hide, everybody can know how much I love you. I’m actually glad they do now! But seriously, don’t neglect your duties as a friend. Go see the captain! Bring him some brandy, or whatever it is you usually do.”

When the doctor just kept looking doubtfully at her, she added, “Don’t worry! I have enough music to keep me entertained in the meantime. And I’ll still be here, waiting for you, when you come back. Promise!”

McCoy hesitated another moment, torn between what he wanted to do and what he knew he should do, then nodded reluctantly and started to readjust his clothes.

“You’re one remarkable lady, Jenny,” he murmured, pulling her in for a quick, but tight hug, before taking a few swift steps towards the door. “And you certainly never cease to amaze me. Your perceptiveness is second to none.”

-x-x-x-x-x-

Kirk’s eyes grew wide in surprise when he saw McCoy stepping into his quarters.

“What are you doing here, Bones? Something wrong? I thought you were having the night of your life!”

“I was,” the doctor admitted with a rueful little grin, plonking a bottle on Kirk’s desk and himself into the chair across from the captain. “But Jenny sent me on a mission, practically shoving the brandy into my hands. She thinks you might need someone to talk to, and, frankly, so do I. So, what’s eating you, Jim?”

“You really have an extraordinary woman there, Bones,” Kirk grinned, filling two small tumblers and settling back in his chair. “Are you not sometimes worried that she’s too good to be true?”

“More often than you think, Jim,” McCoy replied, raising an amused eyebrow. “But don’t change the subject! What’s bothering you? I’m here to listen!”

As it turned out, the call from Starfleet and the captain’s subsequent concerns were actually about Hope. Following his glowing report, Kirk had been asked to explain what she’d been doing on Iridis in the first place. And now he was hard-pressed to come up with a plausible explanation that would not put her career at risk.

“Don’t worry, Bones,” Jim smiled at this friend. “I’ll take care of it. I’ve dealt with those paper pushers so many times before, and I’ve always managed to find a way around silly rules and restrictions.”

The doctor, of course, knew that. Probably better than anyone. And he wasn’t worried at all. The captain would never allow anything to jeopardise Hope’s career. But McCoy couldn't shake the feeling that he was missing something here.

“Actually, Jim, I don’t quite see what the problem is,” he pondered aloud. “Hope asked for leave, and you granted it. What’s there to explain? She did nothing wrong, and neither did you!”

Kirk opened his mouth to answer, then closed it again, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth as he obviously tried to find the right words.

“Wait a minute,” it suddenly dawned on McCoy, “you didn’t tell them she asked for leave, did you? You’re not trying to save her career. What you’re trying to do is to somehow turn this into an official mission to ensure she gets the commendation she definitely deserves, right?”

The captain raised his glass at that, grinning sheepishly at his friend.

“Guilty as charged, Bones,” he smirked, and the doctor felt immense gratitude and fondness for Jim surging through him, as he realised that he was not the only one looking out for his beloved Hope.

-x-x-x-x-x-

When McCoy returned to his quarters, Jenny was taken aback to see him wordlessly make a beeline to where she was lounging on the bed engrossed in her music. His eyes dark and hungry, he seemed determined to pick up right where they’d left off earlier, deftly removing both their clothes and starting to kiss, touch and tease her in the most delicious ways before she even knew what was happening.

“No more excuses, love,” he almost growled, “I’ve been waiting to show you how ‘on fire’ I am far too long.”

Jenny didn’t even get the chance to process his words, Leonard’s skilled hands, lips and tongue instantly taking her to ecstatic heights. But just when she thought she’d reached paradise, he stopped, making her groan in frustration.

“Just getting even for your teasing me all evening,” he smirked, emerging from further down the bed and bringing his face close to hers, the tip of his nose sporting a tell-tale moist sheen. “One song, particularly, comes to mind. And to make it very clear, I’m not your daddy!”

“You’re not?” Jenny chuckled despite herself, feigning surprise and bashfully fluttering her eyelashes at him, but finding it increasingly difficult to flirt in her current state of burning desire.

“No,” Leonard growled, his voice even deeper this time. “Or would your daddy do this to you? Or this?”

“No, he certainly wouldn’t,” she moaned, all thoughts of Springsteen’s lyrics instantly pushed from her mind again, when the doctor finally ducked his head once more to finish what he’d so expertly started.

-x-x-x-x-x-

The next day, McCoy went to see Hope in her office. A luxury he hadn’t treated himself to very often before, for fear of being too obvious. Unlike her, who’d worked in sickbay for almost a year, and was still treated as one of the team, the doctor rarely had official business in linguistics.

In high spirits after their incredible evening and night, he revelled in the newfound freedom that officially being in a relationship with Hope afforded him.

Everybody knows, he thought happily, savouring the feeling, almost giddy with joy. Everybody knows that the most desirable woman in the whole galaxy is in love with me.

McCoy was only a few steps away from the linguistics department, when he saw Uhura sashaying out of the turbolift and disappearing straight into Hope’s office, seeming excited and in a hurry.

Not wanting to intrude, the doctor stood outside Hope’s office door and patiently waited for the women to finish whatever Uhura had come for. He honestly didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but the communications officer’s strong and clear voice was hard to ignore.

“So, it’s official, you and the doctor are an item! And you never said a word!” Uhura practically squealed, sounding a little miffed about having been kept in the dark, but mostly thrilled for her friend.

“Well, we …” Hope began hesitantly, seeming unsure of how to explain herself.

“But then, you didn’t really have to,” Uhura cut in, chuckling delightedly.

“You mean you knew?” Hope asked, perplexed.

“No,” Uhura reassured her, “but, like everybody else, I strongly suspected. It was certainly no secret that you and the doctor cared for each other. Anyone could see that.”

“Okay…” Hope sounded uncharacteristically tight-lipped, very likely a little embarrassed that she’d been so oblivious.

Even though he’d always tried to be discreet, McCoy had long suspected that their relationship might be the worst kept secret on the Enterprise.

“Oh darling,” Uhura giggled, “you were so obvious. Everybody could see that the two of you were crazy in love almost from the moment you first came aboard. And I’m not talking about your return from the Lexington, but the actual ‘first time’.”

“Now wait a little,” Hope protested, “we didn’t even know ourselves until the day before I transferred!”

Uhura laughed out loud at that, and McCoy couldn't help secretly grinning with her.

“Oh my, you two are priceless!” she snorted, seeming unable to get a grip on herself.

“How could you tell?” Hope asked, and the doctor heard genuine curiosity in her voice.

“Hmmm, let’s see,” Uhura replied, pretending to think hard about it. “Your whole face lights up whenever the doctor’s name comes up? You’ve spent practically all of your free time together, and that – again – since you first came aboard? And then there’s the way he looks at you?”

“What way?” Hope wanted to know.

“Phew, how can I explain it?” Uhura sighed. “Just, somehow, so full of tenderness and admiration. Okay, make that completely smitten. We all know that Dr. McCoy is a very caring and compassionate doctor. But there’s caring, and then there’s, you know, love. You’re both wearing your hearts on your sleeves. I remember how devastated Chekov was, when he first suspected.”

“You mean Pavel knew, too?”

“But of course!”

McCoy groaned inwardly, remembering how Chekov had come to practically ask his permission to date Hope when she still had amnesia. For such a brilliant woman, Hope was really clueless sometimes.

“And he still kept dancing with me and being my friend?”

“Honey,” Uhura gave an exasperated sigh, “he’s always loved you. Still does. Even knowing that he can never be more than a friend. Or why do you think, he’s never had the same girlfriend for more than a week or so?”

There was a long silence as Hope apparently contemplated Uhura’s words.

“Don’t worry,” the communications officer continued. “Pavel likes and respects the doctor far too much to ever try to get between you. Not that he could, of course. He's known McCoy for years, and the doctor has saved his life more than once.”

“I wish Pavel would find someone nice, someone who’d really make him happy,” Hope sighed, and McCoy felt his heart melt at how she always wanted everyone to be happy.

“I’m sure we’ll find someone for him eventually,” Uhura smiled. “Anyway, I’m really happy for you and the doctor. You both deserve to be happy. Dr. McCoy is a really fine man. And you are the best friend I could wish for. You two are perfect for each other!”

“Oh, we are!” Hope exclaimed enthusiastically, and McCoy was just about to make his presence known, when she went on. “At least I hope so. I sure couldn't be happier. He's incredible, Nyota! The most wonderful man you can imagine. Everything I’ve ever dreamed of. I adore him. I could just lie in his arms forever, talking and ... stuff, and not get bored for a minute. But even when we don't have any time at all, because of some crisis or other, just a moment's glance or a fraction of a smile from him feels like being wrapped in the warmest embrace. I just need to know he's there, and everything will be all right.”

McCoy was deeply touched by Hope’s words. She’d told him all of that many times before, of course, but hearing her tell the same thing to her best friend was something else again. Proof that she really felt like this and didn’t just say it to please him.

“Now you're making me jealous,” Uhura said wistfully. “I want what you have. I wish the doctor had a brother. Or a son even.”

Uhura chuckled, then let out an astonished squeal, when Hope playfully shoved her.

“Oh stop it, Nyota! You're being gross!”

“Well, I like my men young. And that McCoy is quite a bit older than you is a fact.”

She was right, of course. The doctor heaved a quiet sigh.

“Really, you're as bad as Leonard,” Hope moaned.

“Does it bother him?” Uhura wanted to know.

“It used to. But, thankfully, not anymore. He's come to accept that I love him exactly the way he is. That he makes me happy in every way.”

“Every way? Oh please, do tell!” Uhura laughed, enjoying teasing her friend.

McCoy held his breath. Now, this was getting interesting.

“Oh, you're impossible!” Hope scolded her friend, then chuckled good-naturedly, “Yes, in every way. The rumours about Leonard and his ‘hands of a surgeon’ are definitely true, you know. And that's as much as you'll hear from me in this matter. Now go badger someone else, girlfriend. I've got work to do!”

The doctor had to clamp a hand over his mouth to keep from laughing out loud in surprise at that, and quickly stepped through the door into Hope’s office before he got to hear any further details about himself he definitely didn’t need to know, charmingly grinning at a startled and blushing Uhura, as she nearly bumped into him on her hasty way out.

“Leonard! What a nice surprise!” Hope greeted him over-brightly, looking a little flustered at his sudden appearance.

“Glad you think so! I’m certainly glad I came,” he replied, trying to keep a straight face as he waited for the doors to hiss shut behind him. Then he wrapped his arms around Hope, brushed a tender kiss on her lips, and whispered in her ear, “And I can’t wait to show you what this surgeon’s hands can really do.”

Chapter 54              

Jenny woke up with a start, sitting bolt upright in bed, her heart racing, as the dream slowly faded away. The dream that kept torturing her. Some nights even more often than once. It was always the same dream. And yet, it wasn’t. Always the same people in it. Kids. Two boys. Although they looked different every time, so she couldn’t be totally sure. But something terrible always happened to them, some accident or illness. Sometimes they drowned, sometimes they fell off a cliff, or got shot or hit by something. Whatever tragedy befell them, the outcome was always the same: Jenny started awake, completely shaken and feeling a terrible loss.

Sammy, she thought, searching her mind and her heart for clues, any memories she might associate with that name. Like she’d done every night for the past week or so. And just like always, she came up with nothing. Yet, the name seemed strangely familiar. One of the kids they’d saved on Iridis had gone by that name. Or at least a very similar sounding Iridian one. And it had triggered something in her mind, although she couldn’t for the life of her fathom out what.

"Come here, love," Leonard’s drowsy voice broke into her thoughts, a gentle hand softly tugging at her shoulder and pulling her down into his loving arms.

He didn’t ask about the dream, knowing by now that she didn’t want to – couldn't – talk about it, just offering comfort, a safe place for her to go back to sleep, and she gratefully sank into his warm embrace, like she had for the past few nights. McCoy thought she was having nightmares from Iridis. And maybe he was right, perhaps she was. She was certainly happy to let him believe it was just that. Even though she had an inkling that there was more to it.

Snuggling closer into the doctor’s arms, Jenny promised herself to talk to him about it, if her nightmares hadn’t stopped by the end of the week. She loved him for being so patient with her. For letting her come to him, confide in him, in her own good time. Especially since, generally speaking, patience definitely wasn’t his strong suit.

It wasn’t that she didn’t want to tell him what was bothering her. Matter of fact, she loved sharing everything with him. Well, except for sometimes, when she really didn’t want to worry him. But some things were just so hard to talk about, or rather, hard to put into words. To find the right words to even begin to describe or explain what she hardly understood herself.

Still, Leonard was always there for her, steadfastly offering comfort and support, no questions asked. Love, and warmth, and security. A safe place for her to work things out. Until she could talk about them. And when she was ready, she knew he’d listen like no one else could. Full of concern, eager to help, but entirely without doubting or judging her.

-x-x-x-x-x-

It had been almost two weeks now, McCoy thought, and during the day, Hope was cheerful and seemingly carefree as ever, visibly basking in the newly official status of their relationship. But Iridis still haunted her dreams, and there hadn’t been a night without her having at least one nightmare since. It wasn’t particularly surprising, of course. The experience wasn’t something you could just easily put behind you. He still had nightmares about it, too.

Hard as it was for him to watch her struggle every night, McCoy accepted that she didn’t want to talk about Iridis anymore. They’d done so extensively after their return, and he’d long established that Hope’s natural coping mechanism was to focus on the positive things in life rather than dwell on the negative. And that was all right, too. He supported that.

So he kept from asking any questions, when he found her sitting up in bed at night, trembling and breathing hard, and just pulled her into his arms, to comfort and soothe her, and to make her feel as safe as he could. It always worked. She was back asleep almost the moment his arms closed around her and her head came to rest on his chest.

The doctor wasn’t overly worried, though. Hope was a strong woman, and the dreams would fade over time. Besides, he was sure that she’d come and talk to him of her own accord, if she felt the need. If something was really bothering, worrying, or even scaring her. She’d done it before. All she needed was to feel his love and support, safe in the knowledge to have his caring, non-judgemental attention once she decided to confide in him.

Furthermore, McCoy couldn’t deny that he loved being there for Hope like that. Holding her safe, giving her all the tender touch and security she needed, never failed to fill his heart with joy and a sense of purpose he couldn’t even begin to describe. Or even really understand. Taking care of this extraordinary woman, whom he loved more than life itself, had become his raison d’être, his whole reason for living. And, strangely enough, the realisation didn’t even scare him anymore.

-x-x-x-x-x-

After Iridis, their relationship had slightly shifted. Even though he hadn’t been aware of it, had actually seen them as equal partners long before then, McCoy now felt a new level of admiration and respect for Hope. Part of her was still, and would always remain, the delicate girl he so desperately needed to protect and keep safe. But he’d never seen more clearly that she’d grown into a truly independent and strong woman. A partner he could always lean on, too. He was no longer afraid of breaking her, of needing her, of not always being the strong one.

What a wonderful team we are!

And now that their relationship was official, McCoy suddenly felt like asking her the big question, surprising himself a little there. It was like a deeply harboured yearning he’d never known he had. Truthfully, he’d thought he’d never even consider marriage again after his spectacular failure the first time. And Hope had certainly never given any hint that it might be important to her, or that she’d even be open to it in the first place.

Besides, everything was perfect between them as it was. There was no need to change anything. And yet, the doctor couldn’t shrug off this growing desire to be married to Hope, to call her his wife. Not because he wanted to make some old-fashioned claim, to ‘possess’ her. Just the idea of Hope being anything but her own, free, independent person was ridiculous. But because he felt the urge to somehow take their love to the next level, which was nigh impossible.

It couldn’t get any better or deeper or more perfect. But marriage would show the whole world their appreciation of each other, their wish to be together. Always and forever. And McCoy felt he really wanted the world to know just how happy he was with Hope. How perfect and wonderful he thought she was. He’d never had this urge before. Certainly not when he’d proposed to Jocelyn. Then, it had just been ‘the right thing to do’, the next logical step, what people - and most of all Jocelyn - expected.

He should have waited for the next shore leave, of course. Should have got a beautiful ring and taken Hope to a romantic place or some first-class restaurant for the occasion. But bearing in mind how quickly bad things could happen in space, the doctor didn’t think he could wait that long.

Hope didn’t need grand gestures, he knew her that well. She didn’t need a ridiculously expensive ring as proof of the depth and sincerity of his love for her. There wasn’t a ring valuable enough to reflect the strength of his love anyway, even if he could afford it. And her self-esteem certainly didn’t depend on swanky public displays of his affection. But he still wanted to propose to her in a romantic setting.

In the end, however, he just more of less blurted out the question when his heart was too full to contain it any longer.

-x-x-x-x-x-

Jenny and McCoy were having an intimate dinner in a secluded corner of the observation deck, and Leonard had been awfully fidgety all evening. Starfleet had issued a commendation praising them both for their exemplary work on Iridis, and the doctor had insisted on organising a celebratory dinner for them. Something special, he’d said, a little more glamorous than the mess, and with a nicer view.

“What’s the matter, Leonard?” Jenny asked, gently placing her hand on top of his, to stop him from restlessly drumming his fingers on the table. “Something’s really bothering you. What is it?”

Looking at him, as he nervously gazed at her from under his eyelashes, an almost shy smile playing around his lips, she couldn't help thinking how handsome he was. A fact he seemed to be completely oblivious of. She’d known him for a long time now, but there were still moments when his looks simply took her breath away.

She loved him for so many reasons. His kindness, his brilliance, his humour, the way he cared. About her and everyone else. For giving her this wonderful sense of security, of being cherished. And for the way he made her feel when he touched her, kissed her, made love to her. A lot of the time, she just took his good looks for granted. But sometimes, at moments like this, she’d look at him, and just get blown away by what a gorgeous man he was, feeling immensely proud to be the woman at his side.

“Jenny, I love you more than you’ll ever know,” McCoy began hesitantly, his eyes darting around restlessly, unable to hold her gaze. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I can’t imagine ever being without you again.”

He clasped her fingers, his hand untypically clammy and cold, and Jenny was growing uneasy. Was this the build-up for some bad news? But what about? His health? It didn’t even bear thinking about. Did he have to leave the Enterprise? Was he going to break up with her for some other reason? She felt her lips getting dry, and her heart hammering frantically against her chest. They’d been so happy!

“Will you marry me?”

The question came so unexpected, Jenny couldn't help the relieved laughter bubbling up inside her, unable to give this pivotal moment the dignity it deserved, and which Leonard had clearly meant to convey.

“Would you really want to?” she all but guffawed, flabbergasted. “I mean, I always thought you were done with marriage.”

The doctor’s face fell. This was clearly not the reaction he’d hoped for.

“Would I ask, if I wasn’t serious?” he retorted, his shoulders sagging, and suddenly looking lost and insecure in a way she’d never seen him before.

He’d tried to make this the perfect proposal, and she’d gone and ruined it, put the mother of all dampeners on this precious moment by questioning his sincerity.

When the enormity of the actual question finally struck home, Jenny jumped up from her chair, hurled herself around the table, and literally fell to her knees at Leonard’s feet. Grabbing his hand and putting it to her lips, she gazed up at the doctor through moist eyes, her heart bursting with a million wonderful emotions.

“Yes, Leonard, oh yes!” she beamed, feeling her eyes spill over with happy tears. “I’d love nothing more than to be your wife.”

Seeming rather overwhelmed by the situation himself, and quite obviously having a hard time processing that she’d just said yes, McCoy pulled her up and onto his lap, wrapping his arms so tightly around her she could hardly breathe, while drawing her into a kiss so intense, her limbs went all weak and started to feel like jelly.

-x-x-x-x-x-

Hope had said yes. McCoy could hardly believe it. After her initial reaction, he’d almost regretted asking her, suddenly feeling incredibly silly and ridiculous, afraid to have made a complete fool of himself. Or, even worse, to have put her in an awkward position. But now the world was a beautiful place again. A dream had come true. The most wonderful woman in the universe, the love of his life, had agreed to marry him. And she seemed really happy about it, too.

Unlike Jocelyn who’d probably been waiting for him to pop the question since their first date, craving the idea of being married to a soon-to-be doctor rather than actual life with him and all that his job entailed, Hope had been genuinely surprised.

No doubt about that, he couldn't help smiling to himself.

And yet, she’d said yes, wanting them to be together for the rest of their lives just as much as he did.

As if on cue, the sound of the bosun’s whistle could be heard across the observation deck, and a call came through, asking Dr. McCoy to report to sickbay.

The doctor was crestfallen. This was unbelievable! Couldn't he even propose in peace? But Hope just giggled as she quickly slid off his lap. Her eyes sparkling with amusement, she seemed to actually find this hilarious! Not a trace of disappointment or annoyance on her face, like any other woman would probably have felt at that moment. She really was something else.

McCoy jumped up and hit the comm on the wall closest to their table, only to learn that there had been an accident in engineering, and M’Benga needed him down in sickbay ASAP.

“Go, Leonard, and good luck!” Hope smiled, giving his arm a comforting squeeze. “This certainly makes the occasion even more memorable. I’ll stay here a little while longer, and if it gets too late, you’ll find your fiancée in your quarters.”

The doctor nodded resignedly, brushed a hurried kiss on her lips, and then raced off towards the nearest turbolift, his heart brimming over with love for this extraordinary woman. His fiancée. He rolled the word around in his mind for a moment, then shut out all private thoughts and emotions, switching to complete doctor mode before entering sickbay.

Chapter 55              

Jenny’s heart was bursting with love and happiness. Unbelievably, she was engaged. To wonderful, kind, amazing Leonard. The renowned Dr. McCoy of Starfleet. Jenny was going to be a wife. Leonard’s wife. She honestly hadn’t seen that one coming, not in a million years, and she still had to get her head around it. But she had to admit that it felt terrific. Not least, because it seemed to mean so much to him. Probably the one thing that had surprised her most that evening.

After his countless snide remarks on the subject over the years, leaving no doubt about what he thought of marriage, or, more accurately, how much he’d been hurt by his first encounter with the institution, his proposal had certainly come completely out of the blue. How often had he claimed to be utterly unfit for relationships? Although, the way he’d always been there for her from the very beginning, long before theirs could actually have been called a relationship, even Leonard must have seen how wrong he’d been in his assessment.

To tell the truth, marriage had never been ranking particularly high on Jenny’s list of life goals. She’d never seen it as more than an inconsequential piece of paper, certainly nothing that said anything about the love two people held for each other, or the state of their relationship. A wedding might be an opportunity to have a big party, be the centre of attention for a day, if you liked that sort of thing. But it certainly didn’t provide any lasting security as far as love, loyalty, or fidelity were concerned.

No, marriage had never held the appeal for her it obviously held for so many others. And being with McCoy, and very happily so, she’d honestly never given it much thought. He’d been there, done that already, and she’d always been under the impression that once had been more than enough for him.

And that wasn’t even counting his short, and almost immediately annulled, marriage to Natira, which Leonard didn’t seem exactly proud of and had only briefly mentioned to her once. Apparently, the whole episode had been a bit of a blur for him, having found out about his terminal illness only days before, and feeling dizzy and rather out of it due to that very same illness.

Jenny’s heart ached just thinking about him being ill and scared and trying to deal with it all by himself, and she was eternally grateful to the High Priestess of Yonada for being there for Leonard and loving him at that difficult time.*

Natira must have been a very impressive woman, and Jenny was convinced that McCoy must have had real feelings for her, too – as real as they could be for someone you’d only just met, anyway – or he would never have agreed to marry her, not even in his dazed state. She knew him that well.  But from what he’d told her, his main motivators for agreeing to stay and marry the priestess had been his longing to be loved and fear of dying lonely on the one hand, and it being the only way he saw to save Jim and Spock’s lives on the other hand.

Jenny had never asked him for details after that, sensing how embarrassed, and most of all guilty towards Natira, Leonard felt. She certainly didn’t want him to think he had to justify himself for anything in his past. Least of all to her.

Now, however, the doctor seemed positively eager to get married again. The thought crossed her mind that, maybe, he thought it was important to her? Knowing how he would do anything to make her happy, Jenny wouldn’t put it past him. She’d have to find out.

But she also had to admit that she was extremely flattered. And excited. Knowing that he loved and trusted her enough to overcome his mistrust of marriage, made her happy beyond words. Coming from Leonard, a proposal was certainly the greatest declaration of love she could think of. And he’d been so adorably nervous about it, too!

Jenny had been totally committed to McCoy since what felt like forever, wanting to be with him for the rest of her life, married or not, more than anything else. But now that she seriously thought about it, in a way that was hard to explain, the idea of them being husband and wife actually felt like the ultimate connection, an unbreakable bond. All of a sudden, as she’d already told him on the observation deck earlier, she found that she wanted nothing more than to be Leonard’s wife.

Allowing himself to love her like he did, had, of course, made McCoy vulnerable again way before he’d even thought of proposing. Jenny had long realised that and always seen it as the most precious gift, well aware of how much being emotionally vulnerable scared Leonard. It was undoubtedly the main reason why he’d made it his mission to get Spock to actively deal with his human half. To try and prepare him for emotional assault far worse than the doctor’s playful, affectionate jibes. Although few people, apart from Spock himself and maybe the captain and the bridge crew, seemed to get that. A subject that Christine seemed to be particular touchy about.

Jenny would never knowingly do anything to hurt Leonard, of course. He deserved nothing but unconditional love, loyalty and support in every way possible. Underneath his crusty shell, he was probably the softest, most easily hurt person she knew. Unnoticed by most people, and the doctor worked hard to keep it that way, McCoy took everything to heart. Jenny had lost count of the times she’d witnessed him going from confident and happy to insecure and defensive in the blink of an eye after a simple, careless remark of one of his friends. Or, sadly, sometimes even one of hers.

She knew only too well that with the power to make him happy, that she’d been blessed with, also came the power to destroy him. And she vowed then and there to make every effort to take even better care of his heart in the future, to always be considerate of his feelings, in her words as well as in her actions.

Love did make you vulnerable. It was an undeniable truth. But for Jenny, the wonderful side, the beauty of love would always outweigh the hurt it might cause. With Leonard, she even enjoyed being – or rather, making herself – vulnerable. Because, for some reason, she’d known from the start that her heart was safe with him. That he’d never hurt her, since that would break his own heart, too. And being able to drop her guard around him, not having to pretend to be more than she was, or stronger, or cleverer, made her feel safe in a way she couldn't even begin to explain.

It was fantastic to know that she could ask him anything, and not worry about coming across as dim, or naïve, or still overwhelmed by living in the 23rd century even after all this time. Leonard would always take her questions and insecurities seriously, delighting in explaining without being patronising. He might smile at some questions, which Jenny didn’t mind, often seeing the funny side herself, but it was always in a loving, benign and caring way, never to ridicule.

Come to think of it, everything they did, they seemed to do lovingly and respectfully. Even argue. But then, most of their disagreements arose from one of them trying to protect the other, however misguidedly, anyway. What better foundation to build a strong marriage on? Jenny couldn't think of anything she wanted more than to make McCoy the happiest husband ever. She’d have him smiling all day, every day. Get rid of that worried frown once and for all.

Go big or go home, she chuckled to herself, but then she’d always set her goals high.

There was certainly no greater, more fulfilling joy than being able to put one of those glowing smiles on Leonard’s face, the ones that always went straight to her heart, filling it with the warmest, fuzziest feelings and a rush of happiness she hadn’t known until she’d met her science-blue soulmate.  

-x-x-x-x-x-

When McCoy returned to his quarters late that evening, still seething from having had ‘their moment’ interrupted so rudely while at the same time trying to comprehend that they were now actually engaged to be married, he found Hope curled up on the couch, still fully dressed and fast asleep. Of course, she’d wanted to wait up for him. She always did when he was dealing with an emergency, he thought fondly. But all those broken nights seemed to have taken it out of her.

Stopping to look at her familiar form, ‘her’ music still playing softly in the background, he felt all his exhaustion from the operation he’d just had to perform ebb away. Simply being in her presence always had this effect on him. Just like he always endeavoured to be her rock, her protector, Hope had become his safe haven, the calm and soothing centre of his rough and stormy universe.

For all I know, she might be an angel, he thought affectionately, and with her serene expression and her hair having come loose and curling softly around her face, she looked exactly as he would picture one.

McCoy still couldn’t quite grasp it. He’d asked her to marry him, and she’s said yes. Just like that! And now he felt on top of the world. How was he so lucky? Nothing had actually changed. And yet, everything had. Funny, how words could do that. Because, really, it had just been words. They were still the same people, still felt the same way about each other. He’d asked a question, she’d given an answer. So, why was he feeling happier than he ever had before? The human soul truly was a mystery.

Letting his eyes trail over her lovely features, so delicate in sleep, it suddenly hit him how much he wanted her to be family. To have a family. Maybe that was one of the reasons he wanted to marry her so badly? To actually give her a family again. To share his family with her. Because every time he thought about how alone in the world she was, it still hurt.

He needed Hope to feel that she was the single most important person in his life. That all his dreams and desires were about her. That she was constantly on his mind, wherever he was, whatever he was doing.

Looking back, McCoy realised that she’d practically taken up most of his thoughts since the day they’d met. He’d worried about her, been fascinated and entertained by her, had watched her at work, taking care of his patients, when she was dancing, or singing, or simply being Hope. Wonderful, lovely, brilliant, amazing Hope.

He’d fallen under her spell faster than he’d ever thought possible. In literally no time, his whole life had started to revolve around her, he’d opened up to her, exposed himself and made himself vulnerable like never before. And he didn’t regret a single minute. Hope had been worth every moment of doubt, or fear, or worry, or pain. Because he’d also been happier, more at ease with himself and at peace with the world, than he’d ever been before.

Wanting her to have a family again might be one of the reasons why he couldn't wait to marry her. But the main reason was certainly that he felt perfectly safe with her. Safe in her love, trusting her implicitly. Because, insecure as he’d always felt in previous relationships, he knew with staggering certainty that Hope would never knowingly hurt him.

Now, she was going to be his wife, and he was determined to make her the happiest wife there’d ever been. He knew she was happy and positive by default, and he’d always admired and envied that. But from now on, he’d make it his mission to make her feel loved, and cherished, and safe beyond anything she’d ever dreamed of.

And, feeling a thrill of excitement running through him, McCoy realised that with Hope, unlike with any other woman before her, he actually believed he could achieve that. Just the thought that he, of all people, had the power, and the chance, to give her all that, made his heart soar with joyful delight.

-x-x-x-x-x-

With all those warm thoughts filling his mind, McCoy crouched down next to the couch, gently whispered Hope’s name, and pressed a tender kiss to her forehead. She was wide awake at the first touch, sitting up and groggily blinking her eyes to get rid of the sleepiness.

“How did it go?” she asked, a worried frown crossing her face.

“Everyone’s fine, love,” the doctor smiled, touched that this would always be her first concern, no matter how sleepy she was, or how caught up in her own problems.

He sat down beside her on the couch and pulled her into his arms, sighing contentedly as he felt her comfortably settling against him. Enjoying the warmth and the closeness, McCoy couldn't think of anything more relaxing than feeling Hope’s soft breath caressing his neck, as she snuggled ever closer, practically purring with contentment. He couldn't even remember how he had lived without her tender affections. And he sure as hell didn’t intend to ever go back to that cold and lonely place.

“I had the most incredible dream,” Hope said softly after a while.

“You did?” the doctor replied, curious, but not quite sure if she wanted to share anything else.

When she realised that he wasn’t going to ask, she smilingly volunteered, “I dreamed that the most handsome doctor in Starfleet asked me to marry him.”

“Really?” McCoy chuckled feigning surprise and trying not to let on how ridiculously flattered he was by her calling him handsome. “How forward of him!”

Hope giggled at that, and the delightful sound melted his heart just like it always did.

“And what was your answer?” he asked softly, feeling his heart beating faster, even though he already knew.

“I said yes, of course!” she beamed, not missing a beat and wrapping her arms tightly around his waist. “Yes, with all my heart!”  

“You said yes,” McCoy repeated, reverently murmuring the words against her hair, his voice cracking a little as their significance hit him anew.

“I certainly did,” Hope confirmed once more, and he could virtually feel the joyful emotions rippling through her lithe body, as she lifted her sweet face to look at him, drawing him into the bottomless depths of her beautiful, dark eyes.

Pulling back a little, his breath hitching slightly in his chest, McCoy quietly asked, “Are you still sure, love? I mean we’ve talked a lot about how I feel about relationships and marriage, and I couldn't have been more wrong, as it turns out, of course, but you’ve never revealed your own opinion on marriage.”

“I’ve never been surer about anything in my life, Leonard,” Hope said emphatically, reaching up to smoothen out his worried frown with gentle fingers.

“Even though I’ll have to run off all the time?” he just had to make sure. “Hell, I couldn't even finish proposing without being called away!”

“Leonard, we’ve talked about this before,” Hope smiled indulgently, and he could tell that she was trying to be patient with him. “You should really know better than to ask this by now. But I’ll gladly tell you again. As often as you need to hear it.”

McCoy just tilted his head to the side, silently pleading with her to keep talking.

“Of course, I’m sure, Leonard!” she went on, sitting up straight and holding his gaze. “I know what it’s like to be with you. I’ve known that you’re a doctor, and all that entails, from the start. In your line of work, more often than not, time is of the essence. You’ll always be – have to be – a doctor first. And it doesn’t bother me in the least. Quite the contrary! I admire your devotion, I’m proud that you’re such a gifted healer, and I’m grateful for every life you’ve saved and are still going to save.”

Hope paused to plant a gentle kiss on McCoy’s lips.

“I want to support you in every way I can, Leonard,” she continued softly. “Just as I’d like to think that you will support me, when I need to put my work and career first, by the way.”

“Of course, I will, love,” the doctor was almost too choked up to reply, losing himself in Hope’s tender eyes once again.

“I’ve told you before, and I won’t stop telling you until you believe me,” she sighed. “You are the most caring and reliable person I know. And I love you the more for taking your responsibilities seriously. It’s what you do, who you are, and one of the reasons I love you so much. It’s why you’re my hero, why I look up to you, why I’ll always feel safe with you.”

Then she suddenly got very serious, looking at him intently, and her next words touched him to the core.

“But when, at times, you can’t perform a miracle, I want to be there to hold you, to comfort you and remind you that you did your best. Because that’s what you do. Your very best. Always. But even so – although I sometimes have my doubts – you’re still a doctor, not a magician.”

-x-x-x-x-x-

Jenny didn’t mind telling Leonard again and again how wonderful he was, and how much she loved and adored him. In fact, she’d be happy to go on about her feelings for him all day. But she really wished that he’d wake up one morning and just know how amazing he was. Gazing at his beloved face, glad to see the last traces of doubt disappear as her words sank in, she suddenly remembered something else she needed to tell him.

“I’m sorry I messed up your beautiful proposal,” she smiled ruefully, actually having meant to apologise just before McCoy had been called to sickbay. “You need to know that I wasn’t laughing at you or your words. It’s just that, with you being so nervous all evening, when you started to tell me how much you loved me, I couldn't help thinking you were trying to prepare me for some bad news. And then, when you asked the question, I was just giddy with relief. You have no idea how scared I was for you, for us, at that moment.”

The words had just poured out of her, but seeing the doctor listening attentively, a relieved smile spreading across his face, Jenny was glad that she’d brought it up. She couldn't let him go on believing that her first reaction to his proposal had been to laugh it off.

“You haven’t messed up anything, Jenny,” McCoy lovingly reassured her, tenderly brushing a stray strand of hair out of her face. “If anyone has, it was obviously me. I’m sorry I scared you. I’m not very good at proposing, I guess.”

“But you are!” she exclaimed, needing him to understand how unbelievably happy he’d made her. “It couldn't have been more perfect.”

“Actually, it could,” the doctor hung his head, “and it should. I meant to do this far more romantically, but my heart was threatening to spill over, I just couldn't wait any longer. I don’t even have a ring for you yet.”

McCoy chuckled sheepishly, visibly dissatisfied with the way his proposal had turned out.

“But Leonard, I already have a ring!” Jenny laughed, taking it off and placing it in his hand. “And the most beautiful one, too. You already knew that our love was for life when you bought it for me, didn’t you? And it helped me through so many difficulties and hard times, I’d never even want another. This ring is perfect! Your proposal was perfect! You are perfect!”

The doctor just looked at her for a moment, blinking back emotional tears, then slid off of the couch and went down on one knee, putting on a face so serious, Jenny had to bite her lip not to laugh again. He was just too sweet and adorable.

“Jennifer Hope, will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?” McCoy asked earnestly, tenderly taking her hand in his and gazing deeply into her eyes.

And when Jenny nodded a tearful yes, he gently slid the dolphin-shaped ring on her finger, got up again and pulled her into a kiss that told her exactly how happy she’d just made him.

A/N:  *In case you’re wondering what I’m talking about, and who Natira is, I’m referring to TOS s3e8 "For the World is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky", in which McCoy is terminally ill with xenopolycythemia.

x-x-x-x-x-

Continue to:       Chapters 56-60                    Chapters 61-65                     Chapters 66-70           Chapter 71                  

Go back to: Chapters 1-5 Chapters 6-10 Chapters 11-15   Chapters 16-20   Chapters 21-25 Chapters 26-30   Chapters 31-35   Chapters 36-40     Chapters 41-45           Chapters 46-50                          

Or read it on AO3: Another Life

************ Disclaimer: Nothing of or associated with Star Trek is mine – it all belongs to Paramount / ViacomCBS (or whoever else is currently holding the rights). This is a work of fanfiction, no infringement intended.

[kinetic-elaboration]

December 14: 1x28 The City on the Edge of Forever (Also I’m 32)

For my birthday, I watched an ep of Star Trek, because I can. It was very good and I enjoyed watching but now I’m starting to get some pretty bad evening anxiety, so!! I’m going to try to ignore that.

Here are some thoughts:

I love this wavy camera work. Space turbulence.

I recognize that this intro really doesn’t have anything to do with anything but it’s still really, like, sudden--weird time things are happening and the ship keeps shaking!

Sulu’s looking damn good today. (I say this in every ep with a closeup of Sulu.)

That was a real rookie mistake on McCoy’s part there, stabbing himself with the hypo. (Harlan Ellison voice lol.) (Still better than the original script.)

“They’ll never catch me!”

Sulu and Spock have been trading eye shadow secrets obviously. It’s a real shame that the AOS movies didn’t give people awesome makeup. I mean heck if you couldn’t force yourself to give men obvious makeup (the horror!) you could have at least done something cool with Token Girl Uhura.

Kirk sounds very formal today. Idk why, but his tone is just slightly different--calling Scotty “Engineer” and something about his log... Probably just me being weird or an effect of there being so many writers on this thing.

Damn, McCoy was almost as good as Spock, the way he knocked that guy out so efficiently.

I’m pretty sure this is Uhura’s first landing party. And she barely gets to do anything because this is the Kirk and Spock Show today.

“Unbelievable.” / “That’s funny.” Is it though?

Legit laughed out loud when Bones popped up from behind that rock, right after Uhura said he wasn’t there.

I don’t think Spock likes the Guardian. “Primitive science knowledge? Excuse you, Sir.”

The Guardian really is just like hand-wave-y sci fi lol. Uh it’s really old and really advanced so it can’t really explain itself, the point is, time travel!!!! I mean I don’t hate it but still.

Kirk is very quick to want to play with time. A little vacation away from his usual work. Getting to satisfy his curiosity and be his nerdy self and learn things. Can you even imagine TOS Kirk in AOS???

Love the dramatic moments: Kirk looking very suddenly when the Guardian says “Behold.” Jumping into the sand as he fails to catch McCoy.

Kirk’s biggest fantasy--a vacation that’s also exploration--turns into his greatest nightmare--loneliness.

“No star date” Can you even imagine Starfleet HQ getting this? “Whoops we just destroyed literally everything. Don’t worry, we’ve probably fixed it if you’re reading this.”

History nerd Kirk. Correctly identifying the Great Depression. If Spock thinks THIS is barbaric, what would he think about today?

“I’m going to be difficult to explain in any case.” Truly, only Kirk, and his love goggles, would choose the ONE alien in his crew to take with him on the first expedition into the past. This was completely foreseeable guys.

Spock’s like “That’s a cool car. Let me examine it now. In the middle of the street. While people yell at me.”

This ep starts out so dramatic and now all of a sudden it’s a comedy, right down to the music. (Again, a sign of how many writers had their hands in this.)

“I’m going to like this century. Simpler, easier to manage.” LOL.

“You’re a police officer. I recognize the traditional accoutrements.” Spock is having such a good time watching this.

Really relying on American racism to explain the alien, huh? “I know you don’t know what Asians look like so.... he’s Chinese.”

“I double dog dare you to put together a computer, Mr. Spock.” Effective.

Put on the hat, the hat!!!!

Starfleet’s greatest Captain couldn’t come up with a fast fake name for Spock.

Kirk looks good in this outfit. Actually the outfits in general are great.

Honestly what does Edith think of these weirdos?

Kirk hears trash talk: “Shut up. SHUT UP.” No talking badly about women in THIS house.

She should have been living in our time. I wonder if she always thought space was cool or if Kirk (and uh literal actual alien Spock) inspired her.

Spock’s eye roll at “I find her most uncommon.”

Kirk definitely did manual labor in high school.

Spock really is building a whole-ass computer.

“I’ve brought you vegetables? What else do you want??” Is this the first reference to him being a vegetarian?

And there was only one bed...

Edith’s reaction to Spock’s sass is hilarious. She’s really not confused by him at all.

When Spock’s straightforward, honest answers about why he stole the tools don’t work, Kirk steps in with the charm offensive.

“By his side, as if you’ve always been there and always will” is basically the toast at their wedding.

Favorite thing about Edith remains that she meets an actual alien and says eh, not so weird, and then looks at the Iowa Farm Boy and is like ????????? does not compute.

“Why don’t you want to talk about the war? Are you a war criminal?”

I feel like Kirk gets a weird kick out of saying he and Spock “served together.” And like it’s literally the truth? But he has this little smile like he’s getting away with a cool lie.

Only about 10 years until we get the cool alien book about love!

Spock bringing out the big guns with today’s requisite “Jim.”

Imagine meeting McCoy like this: weird-ass uniform, rambling and paranoid. Thinks he’s met a humanoid alien. Getting so upset about 20th century hospitals he starts crying and rolling on the ground. He’s so empathetic. I love him.

What a way to go, killing yourself accidentally with a future weapon you steal from a 23rd century time traveler you mistake for a drunk.

Bones is so good at not being seen. That’s straight up comedy how he just passes by behind Spock. There are really weird, random comedy elements in this.

“She was right but at the wrong time.”

Kirk’s in love with Edith... I mean he’s not lol but that IS what a romantic such as him would say.

“I’m a surgeon, not a psychiatrist,” says the man who testified as a psychiatrist at a court martial in a previous episode.

How convenient that U.S.S. is an abbreviation she’d recognize.

“I don’t believe in YOU.”

I know this isn’t actually true, but it feels like Spock literally just came out of the room to be jealous while Kirk and Edith kiss.

Spock’s lesson “do[ing] as your heart tells you to do” is wrong.

So McCoy just got over it, I guess. Kirk was all ready to manipulate time to stop the accident but all they needed to do was find him, catch him, and sedate him a while I guess.

“My young man.” So cute.

The reunion hug with McCoy is adorable. I watched it 4 times.

Yet another Kirk vacation fantasy foiled.

No final talk on the bridge... Very dramatic and sad.

This IS a really good episode but I just still can’t get behind calling it the BEST Star Trek episode. To me, it doesn’t feel enough like Star Trek to be the best. It’s a really great story, and it’s entertaining to watch, but it’s not representative. Too few of the crew--not even really that sci-fi-ish at the end of the day. Like I said, the Guardian is really generic and ill-explained, just a prop for the main story. And while that main story is obviously all about time travel and the effects of time travel, even THAT is incidental to the real point, which is the moral question: save one or save many? But it’s not even a conundrum, like in TWOK/TSFS,because there is no real choice. Obviously Kirk is going to let Edith die. To do otherwise wouldn’t just damn many more people in the 20th century to death, it would damn his crew and his ship and, in a way, himself. So it’s more like, well, inevitably, she will die, and he will let her, but it will be really sad. So the point is just this tragic, doomed love story. Which is not a bad story in any sense, but it’s not what one generally primarily associates with TOS.

I’m not sure this is making sense because I’m just working out my thoughts as I type.

I do think there’s some interesting stuff here: I think one could do a lot with what this ep does for Spock’s development, since we don’t hear too much from him but he’s pretty intimately involved in all this. And the lessons it’s teaching him about feelings and vulnerability are...not great.

Also Uhura saying “at least be happy” in the beginning ties in interestingly to the rest of the narrative--he could have chosen his happiness, in a way, at least fleetingly. Perhaps it would have been more interesting if Kirk had ever really considered letting Edith live--but then, would he be Kirk if he ever considered it, seriously, out loud? Am I being dense by thinking the narrative should have said this in so many words, when it’s obvious enough as is?

I’m also not totally sure about the... message. I’d prefer to say there isn’t one, honestly, because of the way the conundrum is set up: as a non-conundrum. Because, obviously America should have entered WWII; if ever there was a war that was worth fighting, this would be it. Hence there’s no need to really interrogate whether or not Edith’s death was right. There’s no way it was not right. There’s no complication there, allowing the story to focus on the tragedy of Kirk’s inevitable decision instead. It could have been a different story, about weighing the pros and cons. And then possibly also a story with a moral lesson attached to the decision Kirk makes: about the many versus the few, for example, or about war specifically, since obviously this is airing with Vietnam as a background.

It could also have been a story about fate. Obviously, McCoy can and does change time. But you have all 3 of them ending up at the same place/time, right near this Big Event. You have the almost-fall on the stairs, implying death is out for Edith. You have the total set of circumstances around her death: as it actually plays out, she’s only there BECAUSE of Kirk and Spock. Were they always there? Does she get killed in a slightly different circumstance in timelines without them? The way the story plays out, all of these details seem so beside the point--again, the story uses time travel but isn’t really ABOUT time travel; it uses sci fi tools but is not telling a sci fi story--so it’s not even really worth interrogating.

(Other than just now, when I did.)

I think it’s pretty obvious that a lot of people had their hands in this story: Kirk’s very IC romantic nature is first and foremost and I like seeing this part of him, but the Command part is kind of hidden; there are moments of tragedy, in the traditional sense of the word, but also other parts that feel like Tomorrow Is Yesterday in terms of the style of comedy; the sci fi stuff is really random.

None of this is really criticism, just thoughts. It’s definitely a really interesting episode.

Next is the FINAL EPISODE of S1, which is RIDICULOUS imo. I’m fairly sure Operation Annihilate was one of the first TOS episodes I saw. I have a real soft spot for it so I’m looking forward to watching.

[applsauss]

Read My Mind

Description: “That’s strange,” you say as you push him into his apartment (with a careful hand on his chest), “because last night I…” you breathe – breathe – breathe, “had the same dream.”

Fandom: 
Star Trek: TOS

Pairing: James T. Kirk/Reader

Word Count: 1.8k+

Warning(s): None

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-


“Last night I had a dream where we were birds, and we flew up and up until we were in space, and then we kept going, flying farther and farther from the known universe and into the unknown universe, past the edge, until the black of space became a familiar blue again and we realized that we were right back where we started, only this time we were beetles.”

“Last night I dreamed I was stranded in a marketplace on a familiar planet, but I couldn’t speak the language and no one would sell to me because of it – and then the sea of patrons dissolved into a real ocean, with waves for city blocks and ships for stands and I would have drowned if it weren’t for you hauling me up and over, onto your raft.”

“Last night I dreamed I was exploring a cave, and it was so dark I couldn’t see the ceiling or walls, and I walked and then I ran, chased by unseen terrors and the sound of my own footsteps, which grew louder and louder as if running towards me, disembodied, and then I tripped and slipped and fell and I was cold and lost, completely, until I looked up and caught sight of your smile, the light at the end of my tunnel,” you slide your hand down his stubbled cheek and wiggle his chin teasingly.

“Last night,” Jim laughs and swats at your hand, “last night I had a dream where we were two olives in a martini glass at a Starfleet function, on the tray of a waiter who never showed for his shift, and so we kept each other company until the drink was warm and flat and all the guests left and as we laid there, forgotten and wholly unimportant, we never drowned and never felt bad because we still had each other to talk to – and in that moment, that was all we could ever need.”

You try and tamp down the undeniably stupid grin that wants to erupt across your face, but you’re so high on the jetlag and the being with Jim that it’s impossible. Your clock is ticking on ship time and your heart is beating with his in time and Lieutenant James T. Kirk has class in a couple of hours ‘cause you’ve looped the night, but his cheeks are flushed and he’s wearing that dimple that makes you want to kiss his face to pieces and so you don’t find it in you to care that much about anything that isn’t right here and right now.

The air is soft and still where you sit, and the voices from the heart of the party carry easily across the garden because of it. You’re off to the side, lounging on some oversized deck chair, and Jim thumbs a burn on the back of your hand and you tuck yourself farther under his arm, trying to ward off the lingering distaste and nerves that always comes with speaking at Starfleet functions, appearing in front of uniformed officials as you spout off technical terms and point at a presentation screen with deliberately smooth transitions screens.

It never fails to make your skin crawl, the posing and posturing, the dance for funding, like you have to sell yourself, convince everyone in the room that you and your work are worth it on showmanship rather than merit; your badges pinned, collar pressed, shoulders sore from endlessly standing at attention and an plastic smile plastered across your face.

Your head lab technician stepped forward to explain the practical applications of your research, and you finally let yourself breathe, eyes seeking Jim out in an indistinct crowd because he’s the glow coming from under the door in a dark room. Then you stepped off the stage.

The conversation was a constant rumble, the lights were nauseous, an admiral shook your hand, a military history grad offered to buy you a drink, then Jim was guiding you towards a table circled by his colleagues with an easy smile, “Haisrus would never let me hear the end of it if I didn’t introduce him to you,” he’d said, “he’s been obsessing over your work ever since I mentioned you were a friend,” and you laughed and followed him through the crowd because if you knew anything about Jim Kirk, it’s that he always manages to surround himself with the most intriguing and pragmatic people he can find – and then someone said something about a Mexican restaurant – and then you found yourself sitting on a couch in a living room lined with Arcturian art, trading fibs and unprofessional opinions, Jim leaning towards you, laughing in your ear – and then Jim covered your retreat to the garden, sneaking out a minute later for fresh air and a rehash of shared memories – and now he says –

“Let’s go home,” Jim runs a thumb across your cheek, and you know he’s fussing over the dark circles under your eyes, “you deserve some sleep.”

He splits off to thank the host for the drinks, you tug at the collar of your uniform to keep it from cutting into the base of your neck, fabric thick and unyielding as you begin to pick your way through the house towards the front door.

The house is far from crowded, but it’s warm and the laughter is rich and the conversation easy. Your boots hit fuzzy carpet, and you wave goodbye to your lab tech, who’s reclined against the kitchen counter with a Betazed leaning flirtatiously over her. She raises her glass in salute, Jim rounds a corner, pulling on his overcoat, then someone cracks a joke, and it’s that laughter that chases your heels down the front steps and out into the night.

Your silhouettes are forced against a building by the headlights of a passing car, and Jim hikes you higher on his back as he hops the curb onto the sidewalk. You drape yourself over his shoulders, not really paying attention or holding on to anything other than his voice as he sings some song that was popular last year. You drop your chin to his shoulder, and let your arms hang loosely around him – and then his voice cracks and you both laugh.

“Last night,” you begin without much thought, “I dreamed I found you in the ground, and when I tried to pull you out, I fell through it with you – and as we descended through existence itself, we came face to face with the beginning and the end and we discovered the true meaning to life, the universe, and everything.” You hide your nose in the hood of his coat and bite back the anticipation.

He stutters a laugh, unaware, “Forty-two?”

“No, writing scientific reports for Starfleet.”

His shoulders shake with laughter, and it’s easy for you to reap the reward, to take the leap over the edge and join him. He clutches your legs tighter around him in a direct response to almost dropping you, curls forward, giggling, and you hold onto his neck and stifle your own delirious laughter through a close-lipped smile.

“Oh,” he says as he finally slows and turns to make his way up the steps to his apartment building, “don’t remind me this late – or early. Whichever it is, I have still have papers to grade.” He stops in front of the door.

“I can’t believe you’re one of them, Jim,” you say as you pull his wallet out of his coat pocket, “we used to complain about your type, remember? The professor who always has a fresh excuse for why grades aren’t out yet?” With some shuffling, you reach around him and swipe his ID, then boost yourself with one firm hand on his shoulder and grab the door handle as he walks backwards. The heavy door, thankfully, complies, hanging open just long enough for Jim to slip in with a straight back.

“I know,” he moans then, the door hissing shut behind the two of you, “I’m the worst of the worst – I even assign group projects.”

“No! Jim!”

“I know! I know – Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Stop making me feel old.”

His footsteps echo in the empty lobby, approaching and approaching from the back wall, until they’re muted by the carpet (you can’t see the ceiling), and then he steps into the elevator and informs the computer of his floor. You pat his shoulder twice, re-adjust your legs, and he loosens his hold until you slide off his back.

You’re both still as you let the silence blanket the small space. Side by side, surrounded by something soft and physical, Jim bumps his shoulders with yours – and you’re both staring at your reflection in the metal of the door, matching grins, when your communicator chirps.

You fumble to pull it out, the elevator dings, and you follow Jim down the hallway with a hand on his back as your department head informs you that shore leave is being cut short by a week, the reasoning vague and not important; She signs off and you pocket the device.

The floor is black and synthetic, and you’re watching your feet when Jim comes to an abrupt stop in front of a door, presumably his. He reaches out, but his hand stalls in front of the keypad. You can’t see his face, a shadow falling over his expression.

“Jim?” you place a careful hand on his upper arm, “are you alright?”

His hand closes into a fist.

“Jim,” you give his sleeve a firm tug, and he turns and wraps you in a hug, arms loose, but his hands wound tight, pulling at your uniform. You close your eyes and let your hands glide around his middle, pulling him closer and farther towards you until he has no choice but to yield and hug you proper, melting like butter on warm bread.

“I’m just happy you’re here,” he says, pulling away just far enough so you can see his small smile.

Your fingers are carding smoothly through his tamed hair before you can think about doing anything else, “I am, too.” You tug him down for a soft kiss, and his lips move slow and smooth against yours.

“But I’m also happy you’re leaving in a week,” he confesses quietly.

“Jim,” you lose your voice.

You’ve loved others and love others and will love others and he’s loved others and loves others and will love others and this is nothing new – but sometimes it’s hard to see past the moment when the moment exists as something like this: soft and shared and beautiful and promising (“and in that moment, that was all we could ever need,” he says) – but you have a ship waiting for you in orbit and a yearning for something greater, “I am, too.”

He begins to grin, “good,” he punches in the code, and then the door behind him opens, “because last night I dreamed that even as I stood on the edge of the galaxy, that even though the odds were shot, you were standing there, somewhere else, far away, looking at the exact same stars I was.”

One day, you’re sure, this will all fall apart and you’ll have nothing but the notion that there are still questions begging answers, out in the deep of space, but until that day comes, you’ll bathe in whatever sunlight is offered and prepare to deal with that storm when it hits. For now, it sits on the horizon, a dark promise.

“That’s strange,” you say as you push him into his apartment (with a careful hand on his chest), “because last night I…” you breathe – breathe – breathe, “had the same dream.”

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-


A/N: I remembered that Kirk was a professor at the academy for a while and I just…. Had to write this…....

Masterlist in blog desc.

[ed-edward-blackbeard]

Last Line Meme

@shipperfiendobssesser​ tagged me in the Last Line WIP meme.  YOU ASKED FOR IT.

Long text post, so I’m sticking it behind a “read more”

Fandoms behind the tags:  Hannibal, Doctor Who, Gotham, SVU, BBC Sherlock, a couple of Walking Dead, a couple of Xenaverse,  a couple of Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon (Live action), Star Trek (TOS), Tim Burton’s Alice In Wonderland, The Following, and some original stories  (Not included, because I probably won’t ever go back to them:  Supernatural, Stargate, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Deadwood, and Harry Potter.)

Not tagging anyone BECAUSE I WOULD NOT SUBJECT MY LOVED ONES TO THIS.  No, seriously.  I’ve been working on this goddamn thing for two and a half hours.

Hannibal WIPs:

Ripper!Hannibal:  Hannibal picked up the scalpel, hid it in his coat pocket, and followed him in the shadows.  

Temple Body (Hannibal Lecter/Will Graham):  His presence warded off nightmares and ushered in a calm and dreamless sleep.  "Sure, a shower."     

There Were Three (Hannibal Lecter/Will Graham):  "Excellent.  I shall expect you Thursday night, promptly at 8."  Hannibal rose when Will did, and followed him out of the office.  "Are you returning to the crime scene tomorrow?"  

Sanity and Empathy (Hannibal/Will):  Knew it as well as he'd known the feel of Hannibal's broken heart, left in the chapel written on a broken man.

No Place Like Home (Hannibal/Will):  When Hannibal got back to Will's room, Will was sitting up on the side of the bed.  "You just missed the cardiologist; my heart's fine.  They're gonna stitch me up and as far as she's concerned, I can go home right now."

Murder Husbands In Denmark (Hannibal/Will):  "I can do that, soon as I'm out of the shower."  He leaned across the bloody butcher's block and nipped at Hannibal's ear.  "Hurry up."  

Leather Hannibal (Hannibal/Will):  "So I think you like my new motorbike."  Will squirmed as Hannibal's leather-gloved hands pressed down against the erection straining his zipper.  "But perhaps that is not all you like."

Keeping It In The Family AU (Mischa Lecter/Hannibal Lecter/Will Graham):  Hannibal reached out and raised her up, and offered her his elbow.  "You're not going to bow to me, Mischa."

I, Profiler (Crossover SVU/Hannibal, Hannibal/Will, Barba/Benson):  "I will sign your form," Hannibal agreed.  After Barba hung up, Hannibal sighed, and turned his attention back to the sausage browning in the frying pan.  "Mr. Barba seems to be at loose ends," he commented.

Hannibal’s Nightmare (AUish, Hannibal/Will):  He knows who he is--My name is Hannibal Lecter, and I am a psychiatrist.  I am a serial killer, and I am a cannibal.--but that doesn't seem to matter.  He is trapped in a place that does not seem to exist, and yet, it does.  

Great Escapes (Hannibal/Will):  Hannibal placed her plate in front of her, then dropped the fork carefully on the napkin.  Once he was out of range, Will let her go and returned to his seat.  "Do enjoy your dinner."

Firsts (Hannibal/Will):When the dance--and the music--ends, they're both breathless and ready for more.  Hannibal empties his pockets over the balcony rail for the violinist below, then follows Will to bed.

drunken kisses sequel (Hannibal/Will):  "I know."  And he had.  It was almost as if this entire conversation was useless; Will and Hannibal were so much in each other's heads, the answers were known before the questions were even formulated.  

Building A New Life (Hannibal/Will):  In the back cargo hatch was their luggage, their bloody clothes which really needed to be burned, and a large igloo cooler that carried all their provisions plus a few… special treats for later.  

Biokinetics (Hannigram AU, Hannibal/Will):  "No, not at all."  Will put his glasses back on as Hannibal led the way out of Will's living quarters and into the Institute's foyer.  

Original WIPs:

Roxy The Pink Police Poodle:  Oh, boy.  I recognize Shit Detail.  That means we’re going to do something Not Fun.  For either one of us.

Paralegal:  No amount of whipping furniture at my head can shake the solidity of the facts of the law.

Ghosts of deBerk:  (scriptfrenzy screenplay):  You want to ask me if I can talk to them for you, but you realize I am not Whoopi Goldberg and this is not Ghost.  You know things do not work like that.

Baywood:  All the things that you could need, but wouldn't ever think of buying for yourself when the time comes.

The Nature Of Time:  The Eternal was confused.  And so to experience time, He became a part of it.

Small Things:  And if any found it, they did not live to tell the tale because many went out, and few returned, and the ones who did died quickly, without relating what they knew.

Sleep Deprivation: The clock on the microwave read 2:03 AM as Mara heated her second milk of the night.

Sangria Falls:  "Put on the shackles, now," Nick repeated, loosening the snap on his gun.

Misty Valley:  Rain splashed on the windows, matching the rolling drops of blood that pooled red on the inside of the glass.

Midnight Scratching:  .  If she was losing her mind, then Poe was trying to console her.

Mars Rover:  The air was circulating slowly inside the helmet to stretch out the final oxygen supply, but as soon as they were out of the atmosphere, they wouldn't really need it anymore.

Fall of the House of God:  .  As it dug itself in, Lamiel planted the seeds for further discontent before going to sleep to gather its strength.

Dymond Family Murders:  Fiona's estate contested the agreement when first announced, but has since withdrawn the challenge and given the arrangement its full support.

SVU (Special Victims Unit) WIPs

Cedro Barba (Rafael Barba/Olivia Benson):  Turning the box back over to Cold Case, Olivia headed for SVU.

Checking In (Barba/Benson):  "I'm no role model, Olivia." He jostled Noah into sobs as he handed the child back to Liv. "Almost twenty years later and I still dream of punching my old man in the face every morning."

Post-”October Surprise” fic (Barba/Benson):  "Come on, let it out."  She cradled him close, resting her chin on his temple.  "It's going to be all right, Rafael."  

Dinner With Mami:  Rafael just smiled at that, and a little kernel of heat blossomed in the pit of his stomach when she smiled back.

Starbucks:  "Three cups, Liv," he reminded.  "Three cups of Starbucks all over Armani."

Barba and Benson Dinner Untitled:  "I think I like you better all put together.  A present just waiting to be unwrapped.  Although…"  She made an appreciative noise at his bare chest.  "I can see the benefit of keeping you naked."

Barba/Benson Vampire AU:  “Come on.  The blood bank is open by now, and you’ll think a lot more clearly when you’ve fed.”  Olivia held her hand out.

Doctor Who WIPs:

Running Up That Hill (9/Rose):   Disappointed in Rose,which was even worse for both of them. 

1920′s Gangster AU (10/Rose):  But there was no harm in looking, the Doctor kept telling himself, and so he continued to pay regular visits to the club.

A Crack In Time (12/Rose):  "Rose, is it really you?" he asked, and even his voice was changed, Scottish and hard.

Come Back To Me (10/Rose):  The Doctor's words were rushed as he hastened to reassure Rose.  "There's only a really tiny little bit left, not even enough to hurt you, or even know it's there.  I took all of it out of your head, scrubbed it clean, remember?  That's how we met.  This is just one tiny little glitch that saved your life."

Doctor John Smith (Tentoo/Rose):  John looked steadily at Jackie.  "It's a lot to take in.  Rose has been through a lot.  I just want to make it easy for her, that's all."

Drips (A Coffee Shop AU) (Ten/Rose):  It had started, for Rose Tyler at least, with the gas leak that had blown up the Henrik's shop she'd worked at--thank God she'd been off shift that night.  

Sunshine and Roses (9/Rose/Jack):  The crinkles at the corner of his eyes made his mouth turn up in a perpetual smile, which was accompanied by laughter at Rose's antics.  

Light and Dark (Ten/Rose):  "We like children, we like them young, they are still light and generous and they want to play!"  A few free light specks floated around Rose again, and lit on her hair, on her shoulders.  "Oh, we see!  You keep him light, he glows when you're with him!"

Part Of Your World (Ten/Rose Little Mermaid AU):  He sort of waved through the front glass, and several of the whales flicked their rear fins as a sort of answer before the TARDIS bobbed around and headed back for the Trench and the Challenger descent point.

Untitled Post Impossible Planet/Satan Pit (Ten/Rose):  She knew the why well enough, and went in for a second kiss.

Pregnant Rose Tyler (Ten/Rose):  "All right.  Anything for you, Rose Tyler."  And this time, he meant it with all his hearts.

Two Hearts, Two Hearts (Jack/Ten/Rose):  "Back in the TARDIS, or else she's wandered off again," was the Doctor's reply.  "Didn't know what I'd find in here, so I asked her to wait.  But you know how rubbish she is at waiting about, so we'd better go."

Gotham WIPs:

Father Nygma’s Bird Problems (AU, Edward Nygma/Oswald Cobblepot): This time, Carmine’s smile was far more rueful than he’d like.  “There’s no way you could let me down,” he answered.  Especially not given his own personal history.  “Good evening, Edward.  Remember, you can call me or see me at any time you like; I am always available to my priests.”  

 Hello, Old Friend (Edward Nygma/Oswald Cobblepot):  Ed gave a negative shake of his head. “That's far too generous, I couldn't accept.” Especially when he had no real way of paying back the kindness. 

Mine (Edward Nygma/Oswald Cobblepot):  Getting up from the chair, he rapped the table with gloved knuckles.  “I’ll swing back by later to see what you decided.”

Cuts Like A Knife (Edward Nygma/Oswald Cobblepot):   He was relatively certain that a google search of How to fix the ice-muddled memory of your best friend turned worst enemy would return exactly zero helpful results, so he was going to go with the closest approximation he could think of and adapt what he found to help Ed.  

Walking the Tightrope (Jim Gordon/Oswald Cobblepot):  Oswald simply nodded.  That was fair enough; the agreement was to take each other as they came, profession included.  It kept things interesting, to say the least.  

What He Needs (Jim Gordon/Oswald Cobblepot):  The black eye mask was folded on top, and while he withdrew it with his fingers, he carried it back in his mouth and offered it up to Oswald.

BBC Sherlock WIPs:

Untitled Johnlock #1 (John/Sherlock):  "Not important at all.  It's common.  Any two individuals regardless of gender can have sex, and a portion of those can make love with sentiment behind it.  Boring.  What is important, what is unique, is the closeness two people share.  Especially when one is less than personable, as it were.  But you, John, you are what is important.  Not how you choose to use an appendage."

Life Form (John/Sherlock):  Sherlock did allow himself to blink, and when no catastrophe happened, he relaxed microscopically.

Past Life (John/Sherlock):  "Sandals and swords, how exciting.  I can certainly see how it would pull one from the realm of sleep."

The Following WIPs: 

Sacrifice (Joe Carroll/Ryan Hardy):  The ghostly shapes moved like quicksilver behind the mist.

That Night (Joe/Carroll/Ryan Hardy):  The heat from their touches made the room-temperature glass seem almost icy.  

The Ending (Joe Carroll/Ryan Hardy):  The answer that Ryan couldn't give, and that's why this moment, here in this nowhere place, was most important.  In this place, the answer didn't matter.

Unexpected Savior (Joe Carroll/Ryan Hardy):  Joe disconnected the call while studying his reflection in the mirror. “Dear Ryan, whatever shall I do with you?”

Everything Else:

Untitled Rickyl AU (Walking Dead, Rick/Daryl):   So it was as a civilian that Rick rolled up at Carl's school that afternoon.

Wintering (Walking Dead, Rick/Daryl):  "Don't worry, Papa Bear.  Little Ass-Kicker's in good hands."  

Destrus (Xenaverse, Ares/Xena):  Well, his great sword through a few puny mortal chests had put an end to that idea

A Friend’s Faith (Xenaverse, Autolycus/Xena):  "It's hard to have faith in yourself when you think nobody else does, but it's even worse when you think you've let down the ones who do."

Kunzite and Darkury (Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon/PGSM/BSSM/Bishojou Senshi Sera Moon, Kunzite/Dark Mercury):  Both are trapped in the whirlpool at the base of the waterfall, a deepening vortex that sucks them deeper and closer together.

Untitled PGSM (Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon/Bishoujo Senshi Sera Moon, Human!Nephrite/Ami):  He was only Nephrite, outcast and human, and he was shamed for feeling gratitude to Sailor Mercury.

Responsibility (Star Trek TOS, Kirk/Spock):  No--that was unfair.  Jim was not fire, and it was only Spock who burned.

Return To Underland (Tim Burton’s Alice In Wonderland, Alice/Hatter):  The Unicorn chuffed nervously, pawing the marble floor while the Lion paced and growled, tail flicking madly.

The Girl With the Tuxedo Kitten (Millennium/Dragon Tattoo series, Lisbeth Salander/Mikael Blomkvist):  Blomkvist laughed.  "Why don't you take Sally and let her sleep?  I'll set up the litter in the bathroom and put out some more dry food."  

[1shirt2shirtredshirtdeadshirt]

TOS Tag Game

OK for starters YAAASSS, feel free to tag me in these every time because I too want to talk endlessly about Star Trek TOS and am always excited to feed the fandom beast.

@burning--amber tagged me in this greatness -- I apologize for the delay but you know, I did have to find a publisher who would sign off on this fucking NOVEL. Because that is actually what I wrote in response. I am so sorry. 😂 When I say I’m here to talk Trek I MEAN I am HERE. To get up to the podium and PREACH THE GOSPEL. I encourage anyone following me who’s thirsty to talk TOS to jump aboard, tag me and give us the T! I want to hear from y’all! 

1. Which is the most defining moment for Spock and Jim as couple, in your opinion? One which left you most shaken?

Wow, yes. Ohhhh no. Let’s talk about this. (Who let me out of my cage?) There are so many strong moments in TOS, my GOD. Amok Time is the most infamous and blatant, you can’t really skate over that big guy because -- because -- YOU KNOW WHY. IT’S AMOK TIME. This is the elephant in the room which will stomp you to death if you ignore it. I can’t let myself write a paper with a works cited list on Amok Time right now, I just can’t. That episode -- I mean -- it was literally getting sucker punched in the junk with a slash fandom awakening. Kirk sacrificing command? His career? Risking his life?! Spock becoming completely void, utterly gutted, and a husk of a destroyed existence in the aftermath of what he believed to have actually done to Jim? I don’t know how it’s possible for anyone to watch that episode and not get steamrolled into a human pancake at how real and obvious the Spirk relationship became right then and there. IN THE 60′S! Yup just bros though, just bro things. 

I did let myself practically write a paper on how huge Devil in the Dark was for Kirk and Spock -- you get to see two individuals who each have a valid point, who both believe fiercely in their own standpoint, and who ultimately end up adopting one another’s views. It’s a beautiful demonstration of what they mean to each other as equals and as individuals -- how in sync they are and what a significant mutual respect they share. 

Throughout the series you’re hearing and witnessing Kirk’s rather open way of expressing affection for Spock. Plato’s Stepchildren is one of those rare opportunities where we get to see the depth of Spock’s feelings for Kirk via his own words and actions. And it is intense enough to make up for how difficult it can be sometimes to get a clear window into Spock’s perspective. It was all out there for anyone to see after Spock witnesses Kirk getting mistreated and nearly being made to inflict harm to Jim. You really get an understanding of just how powerful Vulcan emotion can be in that moment, and holy God, does he have strong feelings about Jim. 

But if we’re talking all-encompassing canon then for me the most defining moment for Spock and Kirk as a couple throughout the entire series has to be Spock’s epiphany in sickbay after making contact with V’Ger. We know something happened that catalyzed a rift and separation between Kirk and Spock, and this is the moment their whole relationship comes full circle. The look on his face as he’s lying there shaking his head and saying “Jim . . . I should have known.” Jim’s blatant desperation as he clasps Spock’s shoulders and begs: “Spock. What should you have known?” And Spock reaches for him. My heart drops through me every time he takes Jim by the hand, locking their grip as he stares him dead in the eyes and says: “This. Simple Feeling . . . is beyond V’Ger’s comprehension.” And Jim is overcome, bursting, and he wraps his other hand over their already entwined hands and just nods. Spock nods wordlessly back. That was acceptance. It was acknowledgement. It was forgiveness. It was walking through mental, physical and emotional hell with AND without someone and coming out on the other side again to find each other once more. It was fucking love. 

As for the one that left me the most shaken . . . it’s unquestionably the end of Wrath of Khan. From the moment that Jim looks over at that empty chair and you feel a shadow of that dread and realization, Jim pushing a member of his crew out of the way and the entire run down, having to take three men to hold him back from trying to go in there with Spock with tears in his eyes . . . I mean, when we love somebody -- truly, genuinely love somebody -- we might throw around the idea or firmly feel -- believe -- say -- that if given a choice, you’d die for that person. But in living that moment, Spock actually did exactly that out of love. He knew what had to be done and he decided to sacrifice himself for his own family -- for the whole crew of the Enterprise. But there was a reason that the sole person kneeling down in front of him weeping, reaching for him and seeking out his hand, hearing his last words, and sharing his last moments was Jim. It’s so powerful, so utterly heart shattering, such a raw and sad depiction of love, and it turns me into a hot human mess every time I see it. THE FRONT. OF THE SHIRT. IS SOAKED WITH MY TEARS. EVERY TIME.  Ahem. So uh, that just happened. There’s Chapter 1. I mean question 1. I swear to God I am not going to write chapter books for each one of these. *Wipes forehead nervously*

2. Which alien race deserved more? What do you think could have been improved upon?

Two episodes really stand out for me as outstanding in the quality of the story; I find Balance of Terror and The Enterprise Incident captivating.They sort of ghost around that decadent and dark history that Vulcans and Romulans share -- they let you see a bit of it, but there is a lot of mystery surrounding it. They pique your interest in wanting to get a better look at those cultures to understand them. Oh trust, I was beyond curious. I was frothing. I know that other Star Trek series have offered us more in terms of the Romulan backstory and history, but I really had a thirst to know more during TOS and I would latch onto whatever crumb they would toss out. Honestly, I would watch an entire series based entirely on ancient Vulcans and Romulans. I mean it, I am thirsty as hell. 

3. What is the most disappointing thing about TOS for you?

In all honesty? The fact that it got cancelled after three seasons!!! We were robbed. F u c k i n g   p i l f e r e d   b u t t   n a k e d. I’m sure there was so much ground to cover with the show that they never got a chance to bring into fruition and that frustrates me. If we’re talking some aspect within the show, those occasional moments with women that were so blatantly objectifying -- the ones that kind of jarringly reminded you that this was still made in the 60′s. I acknowledge the time it was made, but it still stings to see that sometimes if I am being entirely honest.

4. Who gets the Mr/Miss.Congeniality award if you were the judge?

I would have to say Uhura. She doesn’t get the kind of screen time that Kirk, Spock and Bones do, but I find the moments that she has with other characters to be very telling. How they react to her and treat her reveals a lot about how valuable and meaningful her presence is aboard the Enterprise. They all have such an immense love and respect for her. You just don’t really see confrontations with Uhura and other crew members -- it’s so rare compared to other members of the crew. She seems to be that person who brings brightness and light and joy to people who may be feeling very out of sorts, low on morale, or lonely in space. I also love that she canonically sings for the members of the crew to lift their spirits and help them unwind. There’s something so pure and warm about her character while also showcasing strength and professionalism in the same vein. 

5. Which section of Enterprise are you most curious to see which was never filmed?

The room, turbolift, or jeffries tube that Kirk and Spock would drag each other off to so they could make out, because we all know that it happened. (I digress. Truth be told, it was less about seeing a section of the Enterprise and more about getting a little more intimacy with the crew. I wish there had been more time for moments like seeing them getting ready before work, interacting with their rooms, showing us little glimpses of who they are and where they come from. So I guess having access to more on a personal level with the individuals -- the crew is the section of the Enterprise that I am most curious to see which was not filmed intimately enough to whet my curiosity about them.)

I have two questions.

1. What was the defining episode that you watched that made you go: Yup. I am 100% on board for this. WHERE ARE THE REST. I AM SOLD. THE CHEQUE IS CASHED, I HAVE MADE THE PURCHASE, GIVE ME THE STAR TREK.

Second . . . 

2. What. The fuck. Happened in the story between Season 3 and The Motion Picture. I legitimately live on a steady diet of fan theories about this and I’m starved to death. I don’t care if that dead horse has been beaten to glue, I can’t not talk about it. I love hearing what people have to say about that time period. Seriously. What happened between Jim and Spock. 

I WANT ANSWERS! I WANT THE TRUTH!

(You know that nobody could possibly know that and you also know that Gene Roddenberry passed away in 1991.)

*Grabs collar shakily* ASK HIM ANYWAY. 

ಠ▃ಠ . . . 

(¬▂¬) . . . 

I really should stop here. 

(No obligation, just love and admire your blogs! I’m curious what y’all have to say if you haven’t been tagged yet! <3: 

@queenofgol @ashayamspirk @thisisnotahetship @startrektrashface @demonicvulcan @pansexualspirk @homosexualspock @cptkirksnipples )

[kaitymccoy123]

Yeoman, huh?

Intro: So this is a LONG LONG LONG overdue request from @annalisehartmann so I apologize a million times over and over for the lateness of this one.  But it’s super long so I hope that makes up for it!  And I kinda love it a lot so I hope it’s alright!

I guess I’ll start us off for the Trek Fest 2017!  Organized by the amazing @outside-the-government and the first week is all about Jim!  It just so happened that I finished this and scheduled it to post today, without even knowing it was June 1st lol.   

Pairing: Jim x reader

Word Count: 4,300ish (haha whoops)

Summary: The reader is an accomplished yeoman assigned to the Enterprise to work with Jim Kirk. They only know of Kirk what comes from his reputation, which isn’t very good. But once they start working together, they realize the Captain is not all of what his reputation sets before him.  When aliens attack the ship, the reader gets caught up in the battle.  Are they willing to risk everything to save the man they are falling for?

Warning: very fluffy.  much fluff.  

A/N: So my starting idea for this one is that the reader has the wrong idea about Jim, and goes into working with him with this idea.  I do not think Jim is any of the things the reader thinks, but that is just part of the story.  

Also, I had to throw Scotty in there, of course I did.  He’s my fave, of course! 

Let me know what you think about Jim’s characterization here, because I feel like it was more TOS than AOS (see notes at bottom for more).  

-Enjoy!-

You knew you wanted to be a yeoman ever since you were little.  

Every other kid wanted to be a doctor, or lawyer, or a captain.  But not you. You loved listening to the stories your mom told, as she was a yeoman herself, and you knew the position inside and out, even before you could pursue the career itself.   You wanted to be the right hand of the captain, helping to organize things and filter information, and set the captain straight as needed.

You had been top of your class at the Academy, and had been assigned to 5 different ships, 5 different captains in the 5 years since you graduated, and you loved every single minute of it. 

After just finishing up a 6 month mission, you were excited to hear what your new assignment would be. 

But when the name showed up on your PADD, you groaned. 

“What?” Your best friend, Rowena, looked over your shoulder. 

“I’m assigned to the Enterprise.” You informed, skimming over your new assignment. 

“What?!  That’s amazing!” She shook your shoulder, but you gave a grunt. 

“Yeah, so amazing, except I’ll have to work with the infamous Captain James T. Kirk.”  Your tone was laced with sarcasm.  

“DUDE!” She slapped your arm excitedly and you scowled, “You are so lucky!  I’ve heard he’s super hot.” 

Rowena sighed longingly and you threw your PADD onto the bed, flopping back onto it so you were staring at the ceiling. 

“Yeah, sure, and an entitled, cocky, arrogant prick who just wants to get in every woman’s pants.”

Rowena flopped down beside you, “What’s so bad about that?  God knows you could use some.”

“Ro!” You gasped and slapped her arm, but you weren’t mad, this was just how she was, giving it to you straight and narrow. 

“It’s true, Y/N.” She giggled, “how long is the mission?” 

“Five years.” You raised your eyebrows in mirror to her expression and nodded. 

“That’s a long time.”

“I know.”

Rowena turned suddenly onto her side, making the bed jump a little, “Y/N, you are the best yeoman that I have ever met.  You can, and you have, handled complete asshats that call themselves captains, so you will give this Captain Kirk a run for his money if he’s anything like people say.  You got this.” 

You smiled.  She always knew exactly what to say, hopefully this time she was right. 

The Enterprise was the most beautiful ship you had ever seen, let alone been on.  As you walked the halls, you tried to admire the architecture of the inside of the ship, but you couldn't too much because you were lost and couldn't find the bridge, where you were supposed to report.  

You had to ask three separate times for directions and finally when you found it, Captain Kirk hadn't even arrived yet.  You drew into the back of the mingling crowd, pulling out your PADD to get ready to take notes.  You knew you probably didn't need to, but it was part of your job and it helped you focus. 

After a few minutes, Captain Kirk finally arrived, hurrying through the lift doors onto the captain's platform, looking a little out of breath.  And his command gold shirt was on backwards.  

He jumped right into his speech, oozing charisma and smiles as he spoke, and you dutifully took notes.  After the speech, you watched and waited until everyone had went up to Captain Kirk and introduced themselves, taking the time to observe your new captain.   He had golden blond hair and a dazzling smile, his posture sure-of-himself and welcoming, and you tried to match your previous notions about him to this man in front of you.  

"I'm going to head down to get the preliminary reports from Scotty, com me if you need me." He spoke to Spock, the first officer. 

"Captain Kirk?" 

He smiled as you approached, and you were thrown off by the blue of his eyes, almost crystalline, and they crinkled around the edges when he smiled.  

"I'm Y/N Y/L/N, your new yeoman." You extended your hand and he took it, shaking it firmly. 

"Nice to meet you, Y/N, I'm sorry but I have to get down to engineering but we can get more acquainted when I get back." He nodded and took off in the direction of the lift.

"Captain?" You called. 

He stopped.

"Are you familiar with the job description of a yeoman?" You asked, placing your hand on your hip.

He turned back to you, his eyebrow raised, and his gaze searching and confused. 

"It includes retrieving reports and filtering information back to the captain." You informed, walking slowly up to the puzzled captain, "So I will go get these reports, and you can sit your pretty little behind in your chair and do whatever captains do."

You knew you probably shouldn't be so sassy with your tone on your first meeting with him, but you couldn't push the thought of his reputation out of your mind.  

"Right, yep, I apologize, Y/N, I'll take a seat then, and you can go run and get those reports." Captain Kirk pursed his lips and slid back over to his chair, dipping his head and actually looking a little apologetic.  

Walking over to stand next to his chair, you looked down at him, "I've been told that you have never had a yeoman before, and I am here to assure you I'm here for anything you need.  I've been around the block a few times before." You found yourself relaxing next to the smiling captain. 

"Good to know, Y/N," He tilted his head as he looked up at you from his chair, "I look forward to working together."

You smiled down at him, "Oh, and Captain?" You mused, "Your shirt's on backwards." 

His eyes widened and he glanced down at the shirt, already starting to pull on the sleeves as you retreated to the lift. 

Add idiot to your list of adjectives to describe Jim Kirk. 

You could quickly scratch that off your list as Jim Kirk was definitely not an idiot.

"What is the level the war core is running at?" Jim said as he read the report that you had retrieved. 

"3.5.  Scotty said we are doing jus' fine." You pulled out the Scottish accent and it made Jim smile. 

"And the radio connectivity of the generators?  Are they still within normal levels?" 

"Yes, Ensign Heather said they were a little high the other day but they handled it."

"And the..." 

"The pressure in the power cells has not exceeded maximum level." You recited, know knowing exactly what he was going to ask. Jim looked up at you, handing you back your PADD with a brush of his fingers on yours, and he seemed satisfied with your work. 

You were getting used to delivering reports like this.  Every time you came back with a report from any part of the ship, he would question you on the details.  Like when you would return from engineering, you quickly learned to gather as much information as possible because he seemed to know everything about everything that came back to him.  He would ask what levels the warp core was set at, what the detailed numbers were involving radiowaves, and generators, and comlinks were.  Things that you had never even heard of.  But you learned quickly.  

And it was kind of fun, learning all these new terms.  You always loved getting to work with a new captain, falling in step next to them, learning what they liked and disliked, how they ran things.  It was one of your favourite parts about the job.

You could also cross 'entitled' off your list, because most of the time he actually forgot you were there and would get up to go get something himself.  Most of the other captains you worked with had you running around like a madwoman, retrieving this and that, not excluding coffee runs and delivering personal messages.  

But not Jim.  He thanked you each and every time you returned to the bridge with something for him, and when you brought him his lunch one time, because he had forgotten to go for a break, he insisted that you needn't do that for him.

“Captain, must I remind you, again, that it’s my job?” You teased, setting down his lunch tray. 

“I know, but...” 

“No buts, Captain, I am happy to do it.” The genuine tone of your voice surprised you, and it made Jim tilt his head to the side and squint his eyes at you curiously. 

The gaze made heat rush to your cheeks, and you quickly ducked away, claiming you had notes to organize.  

"Captain, I have the report you asked for from Dr. McCoy, as well as I filed the navigation charts for our next week's journey." You walked over towards the captain's chair, engrossed in a file on your PADD, but were stopped by a set of hands on your shoulders. 

"You should watch where you're going, Y/N." You looked up to meet Jim's blue eyes near inches from your own.  

You stepped back on instinct, "Sorry, Captain, I was just getting the next task sorted in my head."

He chuckled lowly, "You work too hard, Y/N, and I told you to call me Jim." 

"Sorry, Jim, I'm just used to calling captains, Captain." You blushed, and thrust the PADD into Jim's hands, a little too roughly.  

He gave you an amused side-eye and you felt yourself blush even more.  

"I'd like to buy you a drink later, if you'll have me." Jim dropped his arm, the PADD swinging at his side, and your head sprung up at the statement. 

"Uh... I..." You stammered, making the mistake to meet his eyes and you nearly swooned at the sight of the bright blue irises. 

"I apologize if I have assumed too much, Y/N, you don't have to." His eyes turned downwards now, his stoic facade breaking only for a moment. 

"No, Cap- I mean, Jim I would love to have a drink with you." You smiled up at him and his mouth stretched into a smile as well. 

"Really?"

You nodded. 

"Well then, we can head there after shift."

"Sounds like a plan." You chirped, butterflies set aflutter in your stomach which brought your voice up an octave, and you tried to hide it with a cough.  

Jim just looked amused at how flustered you seemed, and you gave a quick shrug to your shoulders before nearly bolting for the lift doors. 

"Ro, he's actually really nice." You were sprawled out on your bed with your com to your ear, just having returned from having drinks with Jim, and you were still all jittery from it.  

You and him had talked all evening, and you could definitely now cross 'arrogant' off your list because he was the sweetest person, and the best listener, you had ever talked to.  The evening was spent chatting and laughing, with a few suggestive brushes of fingers and knees, but nothing too intimate, and he had walked you back to your quarters, bidding you goodnight, nothing more.  

"Have you slept with him yet?" Rowena asked, and you snorted. 

"No!  No, I haven't." You defended, grinning to yourself and biting your fist. 

"But you've thought about it, right?"

"RO!"

"Okay, okay!  But I can hear it in your tone, you like him." She teased.  

"I DO NOT!" You argued, with much less fight in your voice than you intended, "But he's a really good guy, okay, NOT that I'm going to sleep with him."

Rowena's giggles resounded through the com, and it made you laugh too.  You missed your best friend. 

"I'm glad you're enjoying yourself, sweetie." Rowena giggled.

"Yeah," You thought of his crystal blue eyes and sweet smile, "me too."

The next day you arrived on shift, expecting a warm welcome by Jim, but he wasn't in his chair.  Asking First Officer Spock where the captain could be, he told you that he hadn't arrived on shift yet, which was very unlike Jim.  You waited patiently for him, busying yourself, your eyes constantly flicking back and forth from your work to the lift doors. 

"I'm going to go check the engineering room to see if Jim's there." You said non-noncommittally, to no one in particular, and turned to stride out the door.  

The hallways leading up to the engineering room were eerily quiet, and you found yourself tiptoeing on instinct, your pulse racing in your ears.  

"Jim?" You called into the empty corridor with no response. 

Reaching the door you found it ajar, the lights in the engineering room dark as you tentatively stuck your head in.  You were going to call out again when you heard the mumble of voices.  Stepping along the metal bridge that ran along the outside edge of the engineering room, you kept silent and clutched your PADD to your chest.  

Then, finally, a few figures came into view and you froze, crouching down instinctively.  Holding your breath, you peered over the edge and saw five figures, two you recognized as Scotty and Jim, the others were dark, hooded aliens.  Jim and Scotty were nearly backed up against some boilers, the aliens pointing some large weapons at them, and they were talking, but it was too far away for you to hear anything.  

Jim appeared to say something, looking very fierce and captain-ly, and the voice of the aliens grew louder, and they appeared to advance on Jim and Scotty.  Panic flood through you as Jim and Scotty pressed up against the boiler and the alien's weapons raised menacingly.  

"JIM!" 

The syllable was out of your mouth and echoing across the engineering room before you could stop it.

The attack on Jim and Scotty paused, and all heads spun in your direction. You froze, your mouth hanging open, in a half crouch on the metal bridge. 

Jim looked at you for a moment, but then turned back to the aliens and swung at them.  He managed to get the weapon from the hands of the closest alien, who seemed to bark orders at the other two, and you go the message loud and clear, even though it was in whatever language they spoke. 

Get the girl.

You gulped as you saw them dash for the stairs and you took off, and the last thing you saw was Jim’s eyes on you before you were out of view.  

You had been in a few battles before, but you were usually told to get out of harm’s way and hide, because you had barely any fighting experience.  You had taken a few classes on self-defense, and practiced with Rowena at the gym in the Academy, but hadn’t had to use your skills much.  

Why the thought of your and Ro’s gym matches were going through your mind at a time like this you had no idea, but you were snapped back into reality very quickly.  One of the aliens was coming down the bridge in front of you, and the other was coming from behind you.  You were trapped. 

Adrenaline left your mouth dry and your limps shook, when you realized you still held your PADD in your hands.  Looking around you, you decided that your only way out was to go over the edge of the railing.  

So in one fell swoop you tossed the PADD at the oncoming alien, it bouncing off him uselessly, but it made him stop for a second, giving you just enough time to hop over the railing and land on the top of the nearest boiler.  

The aliens shouted at you as you skidded across the top of the slippery metal boiler, and let out a garbled scream when you slid to the edge.  You managed to get a hold on one of the metal railings sticking off the boiler, and you slammed into the side as you fell, your arm nearly being wretched from it’s socket as you dangled. 

“Help!” You croaked, kicking out at the boiler to see if you could pull yourself up a bit, but it was no use.  

“Let go, lass, I’ll catch ya!” A voice from below you, Scotty, with his arms raised and a cut down the side of his face. 

“It’s too high!” You squeaked, your arm beginning to tremble from trying to hold up your weight. 

Two loud clanks sounded over your head and you managed to look up, it was the ones who were trying to get to you, landing on the top of the boiler.  

You heard Scotty swear from below you, and you saw his red shirt move out of view. 

“Scotty!  What-” You started, but suddenly the boiler jerked and something clanked again, and you jostled against the side. 

You heard, rather than saw the two aliens fall into the boiler, Scotty must have opened a panel in the top, and they were enveloped into the water which splashed over the side onto you, and you sputtered.  

Their screams were unusually loud and pained for just behind immersed in water, and you shook as they beat the inside.  Your arm was beginning to burn and you cried out again when suddenly the shaking stopped.  

“Well tha’s interesting.” 

You met Scotty’s eyes, who had moved back to underneath you, “Scot-”

Your hand suddenly slipped, probably due to a mix of your tired muscles and the water-covered handle, and you fell, not even able to cry out and you landed directly on top of Scotty.  His form softened your fall a little, but knocked him to the ground, you on top of him, and you could hear his groans and curses.  

Rolling off of him, you bent over on your hands and knees, gasping for air.  

“Y/N?  Scotty?  Are you alright?” It was Jim’s voice now, and his knees came into view. 

He took your collective groans and gasps as a ‘no’ and you felt a hand on your back as he tilted you back and his concerned blue eyes met yours. 

“’m okay.  I landed on Scotty, so he must’a got the brunt of it.” You urged him, but let yourself be comforted by his gaze for a moment before you pushed him towards Scotty. 

Scotty seemed to right himself quickly, though he was favouring his right side, a hand on his ribs, and you felt instantly bad.  You stood shakily, leaning on the side of the boiler.

“You have to get out of here, there is another group on the other side of the room, heading our way.” Jim’s voice cut through your struggle and his hand found your shoulder. 

“There’s more of them?!” You rasped, bending over to catch your breath. 

“You get out of here, Y/N, I’m serious.  Go.” He placed his hand on your back and you straightened up. 

“No, I can help, they don’t like water, Jim, it dissolved the other two aliens, we can stop them-.”

“No, go, now.  That’s an order.” His gaze was fierce and insistent, but you thought you could see a touch of pleading in his expression. 

You only nodded and moved to Scotty, tugging on his arm to get him to follow you.  

You met Jim’s eyes one last time as you retreated, silently begging the universe to let you be able to see those blue eyes again. 

Once you were out of sight you turned to Scotty, stopping suddenly. 

“We have to flood the engineering room.” You met the engineer’s wide eyes. 

“But Jim said-”

“I don’t care what Jim said, we can’t just leave him to defeat an army of aliens all on his own.  He’ll die.” Your voice cracked on the last word, and Scotty raised an eyebrow at you. 

“Alrigh’.” He nodded. “There’s a way.  As soon as I saw those things get all washed away inside tha’ boiler, I knew what we needed t’a do.  Follow me.”

You gave Scotty a nervous, but appreciative smile as you followed him deep into the engineering room.

A few minutes later, a plan was devised and you and Scotty were in position.  

You were up on the metal bridge again, tucked into the side of it, and you watched with horror as the army of aliens mad there way towards Jim, who seemed to be limping.  

“Y’a ready, lass?” Scotty’s voice came through your com. 

Though you swear you’d never felt your heart beat this fast before, you gulped and nodded, “Ready.”

“Ok, go.”

At those words you surged forward, dashing along the metal bridge, your feet landing heavily and loudly as you ran, which didn’t concern you at all, because that was kind of the point.   

“HEY!  STUPID ALIEN PEOPLE!  OVER HERE!” You yelled at the top of your lungs, and all eyes turned to you once again, the alien group changing direction and heading your way, away from Jim. 

“NOW SCOTTY!” You screamed and grabbed onto the railing for dear life.  

The whole room seemed to shudder, and there was an impossibly loud set of creaking, which you knew were the boilers opening and beginning to overflow. 

“Jim!  Jim, get up!  Onto the ledge!” You urged, meeting his eyes with a flash of panic, having realized that you forgot to warn him. 

His form was small from your high perch, but he paused for only a second before rushing to the nearest set of stairs and beginning to climb, quickly getting lost in the sea of metal stairs and railings. 

Water rushed into the room, starting to flow across the floor, and you silently begged it to go faster, as the aliens were starting to realize that something was wrong and were heading in your direction.  

But your pleading seemed to work as another wave of water rushed across the floor and soon reached the feet of the aliens.  Very quickly they were screeching and scattering, trying to get away from the water, but it was no use, your plan was a success.  

Scotty had locked the exit doors, sealed them so the water didn’t leak across the ship, but also so the aliens had no where to go.  

You sank to the floor, your hands pressed to your ears, as the screeching was so bad and loud that it was almost painful.  Peeking a glance to the aliens, you could see they were dropping like flies, slowly being disintegrated into dark blobs in the water, some of them trying to dash back to where you assumed their ship boarded, but they slipped and fell and were soon washed away.  

Suddenly the room when quiet.  You could tell when Scotty shut off the water, because the creaking stopped, and the water seemed to settle.  

You let out a breath you didn’t know you had been holding and pressed your head back against the railing, dropping your hands from your ears.  

You did it.  

Relief flooded through you as you shakily stood, and suddenly another, quieter set of yelling met your ears.  It brought a smile to your mouth when you realized it was Scotty whooping in success from across the room.  

You whooped once in response and pumped your fist in triumph as you slowly made your way across the bridge again, your limps still shaky as the adrenaline began to wane.  

You stopped suddenly when you realized there was another form at the end of the bridge in front of you.  This one was not a dark, scary alien, but a gold-shirted Jim Kirk, his eyes set in a glare and fists were clenched at his side as he made his way across the bridge. 

"That was stupid, really stupid." Jim mumbled as he stalked towards you, looking very angry, and it took you aback. 

"Jim-" You started. 

"So goddamn brave but so stupid." He was getting closer now and you took a step back, unsure of how to react. 

"I'm sorry." You were frozen in place.  

Jim didn't respond, instead he placed a hand on either side of your head and crushed his lips to yours in a kiss.  It took you a few seconds to react, as his action was so surprising, but you eventually leaned into him, wrapping your arms around his waist to pull him closer, deepening the kiss.  It was a few moments of pure bliss.  You had just beat the aliens, saved your captain and probably the entire ship, and now Jim Kirk was kissing you.  It was exhilarating.

Pulling back to breathe, you moved your arms to wrap around his neck to keep him close, his hands sliding down to your hips now.  

“Wow.” You breathed, “I should rescue you more often.”

His touched his forehead to yours, and he let an exhale out, a soft smile pulling at the corner of his mouth. 

“Thank you, Y/N.” He said and gave you another soft kiss, barely a brush of his lips against yours, “But promise me you’ll never put yourself in danger like that again.”

You could only nod and you reached up, pushing his hair back over his ear, and he closed his eyes at the touch. 

You took the opportunity to lean in and press another gentle kiss to his lips, a shiver running down your spine, which you could attribute to either the feeling of his hands on your waist or the fact that you were still soaking wet from the water from the boiler.  

“Shouldn’t you reprimand me for disobeying a direct order?” You tilted your head at him playfully. 

A smile, “We’ll talked about that later.”

He pressed a kiss to your temple and slung his arm around your shoulders, leading you across the bridge, the way he came.  

“We better go find Scotty and get him and you to the medbay.” Jim said dutifully and you gave his side a squeeze, leaning into his warmth. 

“And talk to him about how we’re going to clean up this mess.” You noted, looking out to the foot of murky brown water that covered the engineering room floor. 

Jim huffed a laugh and helped you ease down the stairs on to the next level, nearing where Scotty was.  

And in that moment, with his arm slung around your shoulders and his around your waist, you knew, with a rush of clarity, that Jim Kirk was nothing like you expected, but everything you needed. 

-Thanks for reading!  I hope you enjoyed it!-

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NOTES ON THE CHARACTERIZATION OF JIM KIRK (ignore if you wish):

I really struggled with this one for a while.  I wrote a bunch of it all at once, and it just didn’t sit right, so I left it for a while, because I dreaded going back to write it.  

But as I re-read it, I began to like it more and more, and found I really liked it.  

I feel like Jim was more TOS than AOS in this one.  For some reason I couldn’t put my thumb on AOS Jim’s character this time around, so this feels more TOS to me (even though I heartily ship TOS Spirk).  

Please let me know what you thought of his character, if it was true to him or not.  

Maybe it’s because I’ve been writing and focusing a lot more on Scotty lately, that I feel like I am losing my grip on his (and Bones’ for that matter) character, and this is me easing back into it?  I don’t know.  But I like this story even so.