#heresiae's chronicles

[heresiae]

Burned out

So, my brain has stopped functioning in the last couple of weeks.

I'm feeling the burnout of the entire year, because the summer holidays were not as relaxing as I hoped. Also, this last 4 months were quite heavy for my social energies (the first part was heavy in anxiety and expectation pressures). I feel like this was a double year, not one.

Yesterday I also had the proverbial final nails in the coffin, gently provided by Mother and the sword training, where I discovered I was not exactly ready for skin touch with M. I mean, the conscious brain is fine (boy, it was fine as soon as we cleared out that nothing was going on and I was off the hook), but the unconscious one was not really there (and that for just a few of weeks of interaction, not even a relationship... but I'm learning to accept that it's just part of my autism - diagnosis pending).

Problem is, the year is not over yet. The worst days are still to come.

I know that for many people the holidays are joyous, a bit stressful, but still happy, mines have stopped to be that when I was between 8 and 10 yro and nothing I did till now was able to sooth my PTSD and make them nice. I hope it will happen sometimes, but meanwhile I have to get by.

I just feel lucky that I don't have project to follow in these days at work, so I don't have to put an effort, but it pains me that I could at least follow a couple of online classes that are quite interesting, but as soon as I tried, my brain started to doze off. I'm literally at a moment when even a 3 minutes video that is not fiction kill my attention.

Even crocheting is hard right now. Everything is hard right now and I just feel like I need four days straight between binge watching, binge comic reading and daydreaming. But I'm going to my mother, so it's not going to happen.

If you had the patience to finish reading my rant, wish me luck ^^'

[heresiae]

I think it starting to be worrisome that I can kind of understand when I'm listening music that my cats don't like. Or, to be precise, that one cat. The male one. The 7kg alpha spoiled big brat. The one that remember how good is the physical contact with the human only in winter. That cat.

Yes, I did change playlist if you were worrying.

Yes, I am the one that's enabling his spoiling.

And he don't even to come and greet me in the the morning.

[heresiae]

Parents logic

Mother: "All your father stuff has been in the cellar for TWO YEARS!! It has surely being RUINED by now!! Get a grip and DEAL WITH IT!!

Also my mother: "Oh yes, those are my father's papers. Old stuff. Contracts, photos, letters... yes, they are in the cellar, in a built-in shelf, on a external wall, in a not even close old case"

[heresiae]

so, the EU has recently approved the use of cricket's flour in our food and... Mother has finally a new conspiracy flag to wave!!

(this is only the fourth bug they're approving for food supply, it's not even the first!!).

after the vaccines (still against but at least she doesn't tell they cause autism anymore), the yellow party that, in her opinion, were the new and improved and instead were bullshit and the old like everyone else and covid-19, she has new battle!

finally! she wasn't looking like herself without a pointless and ignorant battle to wave around (oh right, the 5G too). kind of missed the old conspiracy gal.

till now, I managed to keep my mouth shut, but I'm not sure how long will I be able to do it.

this evening she shared a list of foods that we should be on the lookout for and we should be vary of every label that say "proteins" (no more eggs people!! chicken might have fed on a cricket!!)

now I have my three brain cells fighting:

one is the rabid ones, it wants to ask her if she think all the other cultures are somewhat at fault for enjoying bugs protein in the last millennials

one is the troll one, it wants to tell her that were are already on the waiting list for the first official product with crickets flour (cookies!!) and we hope they will give us a bit of wisdom and luck [double cit]

the third one is trying to keep them quite because both approaches will just fuel Mother and it will not be good for our peace

I mean, I can barely manage her when I agree with her, you have no idea how I went very close to throw something at her when she and few friends of her where discussing how dangerous vaccines are for kids. she was a kindergarten teacher, so I was not just pissed, I was worried about her influence. but now she's no in a position to hurt anybody, so... I just want to troll her!!

LET ME TROLL HER YOU DAMN COMMON SENSE!!

[heresiae]

one of my closest friends is not in a nice work environment.

I mean, she knew what she was getting into when she joined (some years ago though) but there have been several changes in structure and staff and now it's literally a nightmare.

unfortunately, I know that kind of work environment very well: toxic as the elephant foot of Chernobyl.

I still have lot of PTSD from those days, but I also have lot of tools to help her survive.

when I told her that, she asked me how the heck did I survive (I worked there 11 yrs) and I told her: three mental breakdowns, perpetual burnout and the constant reminder of my bills.

it's not worth it though. I still have habits that suddenly pop out at the less suspicious triggers. I have behavioral reflexes that I can't control till someone tells me that I'm being aggressive or too defensive. I have huge anxiety for things that should not inspire anxiety at all.

do not stay in this kind of environment. couch surfing while searching for another job is way less humiliating and damaging that leaving without a safety net when things get unbearable.

[heresiae]

forbidding cats to do mischief would be so much easier if they weren't so cute while doing it...

[heresiae]

So, the list of colleagues that I like is shortening fast.

The last one was kind of unexpected, but I think it's another gift from the pandemic.

He used to be that kind of coworker that always put you at ease. Never raising his voice, always available, ready for a laugh, but quick and precise in his work. I liked him very much.

And then I don't know what happened. Maybe living two years with a teen without being much able for anyone to get out of the house, working always alone, without people around, etc, kind of hindered his social capacities, or maybe, just his masking.

In less than two months he was able to:

have a rant on how queer rights problems are everywhere and he's tired to have his own put in second place and wanted more discourses on them;

responded to me about an observation about how not good is the show business environment for a child actor and we should just be happy with the 20 something playing the teens and slightly older child playing the younger (and it's not like they're not able to make them look like age appropriate, Derry Girls is a good example) with a shrug and a clear implication that he didn't care as long as he can enjoying media proper portrayed

had a full rant after I pointed out that 1 inch of snow is not enough yet to have the snow plow out, that it takes time to move men, machinery and resources (salt) and everyone should just 1. respect the law (aka, mounting snow tires by Nov 15) and 2. go slow (a coworker had shared in the communal chat a picture of a car that went slightly out of road in a tree-lined avenue. the trees were in the center, dividing the roadways; there was the flowerbed was elevated by a few inches and the car had managed to slip up the flowerbed from the road and stop before a tree. also, the road was still quite clean, because it didn't snow enough to make the snow overcome the water and car passage, sticking to the road. a perfectly manageable road, if you go slow with proper tires...). this rant had escalated because he commented the picture with a "fucking municipality" and I wasn't understanding why he was blaming it and he told "no snow plow or salt", on the first (and only) snowing day of the season after only a couple of hours of fast snow (not really heavy, a medium thing). he didn't like my objections and called me boomer (he's at least 10yrs more than me...).

the last straw it was on facebook, but I didn't let myself memorize his rant and just unfriended him. it was something that just confirmed be that I don't like him and his opinions.

now I'm quite afraid of mostly every my coworker, because it's clear that:

I didn't understand shit about some of them

lockdown collateral effects might still have some surprises

Unfortunately, I don't have anymore people that usually help me navigate work society (autistic here, diagnosis still pending), so I'm stuck to just keep everyone at arm length, but not too much, because there are some people that I already know are not above to stab me in the back if I do the wrong move (or I don't show the proper... affection).

so, I'm stuck in a perpetual social anxiety.

not good at all for my mental health and the need of my spoons to to shit in the house, but I'll have to make do...

[heresiae]

learning lessons in the hard way

me: I'm so frigging tired all the time. I don't understand why. I drink plenty of water. I eat fruits and vegetables. what the fuck is wrong with me.

*read on tumblr that allergies can cause constant fatigue*

me: oh come on, I only have dust allergies, it can't be that bad, right? but I better clean the bedroom and the bed with the UV vacuum. it's been a while

*still not ok at day three after the cleaning*

me: see? that's not allergy! although, my eyes are still itching...

*go to the office because I already skipped too many days working on site*

*energies come back after one hour*

me: fuck

[heresiae]

if only someone had recognize my hyperfixation pattern since childhood, or at least when I went to therapy for the first time, maybe I wouldn't have for a decade a very huge problem with I's brother.

because maybe they wouldn't have pushed me to make an "optimistic thinking" exercise around him, allowing me to to give my imagination and obsession complete freedom, scaring the hell out of him, throwing me in a stalking practice that I was still struggling to let go at the time (I never really went very far, but I did make some guys quite uncomfortable and caused my brain to have huge anxiety problems) and make me lose the first person ever with who I felt an istant total mind and body connection (I still feel, sometime, like I lost my only opportunity at that. it is not nice. it's been 10yrs and I'm near my 40. I half lost hope about it. I was so comfortable with him, I'm sure I'll ever wrap my head around it).

also, I would have not struggle very badly for years to overcome this feeling (because it doesn't matter how many weeks this hyperfixation went, my brain doesn't process feelings and frustration like anybody else. I had to convince myself for a while that I. was an only child to even go out with her).

P. found his current partner a few yrs ago, a thing that did revamp the old wound, but now it's different: there is a child.

a child changes everything. firstly because I don't want children; that realization fell upon me like the light over Jim Belushi right while I met him and never lest me. also, a child is a boundary I will never cross. I mean, being in a relationship is already a pretty apocalypse proof boundary for me, but I still can resent the person for not choosing me. a child is the universe proof that it wouldn't have worked.

so, now I just want to make things right. I'm going to love that child to bits and start visit them. not only because he's his son and the nephew of one of my best friends, but because it's time for my neurodivergent brain to take that frigging cabinet marked P. and put it with all the others, when it doesn't hurt and they're just memories of silly times.

(also, this thing put my relationship with I. at a halt. we were bonding more deeply at that time, but I couldn't go over a good friend and ask her to listen to my wails and bitch about him. he's her big brother, you don't ask a friend to play the traditional role when a boy hurt you when the boy is her beloved brother. I avoided visiting her to her family house in summer, meeting her parents and lots of stuff. it was a shitty business indeed).

I beg every therapist out there: I know it's not your specialized field bu please, learn how to recognize neurodivergent behavior in your patients, especially if they're very very good at masking.

I started masking in kindergarten, and yet someone recognized me at 37 just following autistic people on Instagram. other people were not surprised at all when I told them I started the process to be diagnosed.

you know who were the most surprised instead?

my therapist and my psychiatrist (but at least my therapist wanted to understand why I felt I was autistic, my psychiatrist just liquidated me with a: "no. you're not. you don't look autistic". no shit dude. I've been masking since I was three. I frigging remember this. half of my brain run the masking.exe program since the time I wake up).

and for the love of everything, don't encourage their hyperfixation over people. it's not good. for anybody. my first therapist was not quite good, but this is the worst thing she did to me (and not recognizing I was still in a huge pit of depression... I had to have this realization for myself).

[heresiae]

it has been an hour an Ryo doesn't show signs he's ready to move...

it's very rare that he actively search for my company so I don't want to break this moment.. but also, he's 7kg and I'm hungry.

send help!

[heresiae]

I'm just a few days into my unmasking and just at the beginning of the second chapter in "Unmasking autism", but my days are getting better. I am, right now, in my fifth good day in a row.

I usually could explain this by "good nights of sleep" or "this happened and now I have enough endorphins for days" or "I did sport thrice this week", but this time is none of this.

I still have some problems sleeping (night sweats, cats, bladder...), I'm not doing much sport and I'm still confuse as hell about a few people I'm seeing, but my days are brighter.

Because, I'm not stupid. I'm not a social idiot. I'm not a dumbass that can't pick up clues. I'm just autistic (diagnosis still pending - and it will take time with the NHS -, but I recognize myself way too much in that book).

And as an autistic, I might have a few more obstacles in life, but I have some perks. I can focus like nobody else if the thing excite me. I can search for every piece of information of something I like for days. I'm very analytical, like, a frigging pro. I do take a bit more of time that a neurotypical, but I do find everything. I'm a perfectionist (ok, I did let my autism free last night while prepping my lunch, like, the rice HAD to be all in one part of the lunchbox, every frigging grain. It was so satisfying!! Worth the time spent in make it my way).

If I can reduce my masking to like 10%, I might also finally have the energies to do everything I need to actually have the life I need (like, learning a new profession; this one is too much stressful and I can't see myself doing it for other 30 years. And not just for the stress, but because I will get very bored at some point).

The hard part will be trying to keep enough masking to keep functioning on my job (I do know some people will immediately complain if I let down my social mask completely, that's why I already told a superior I trust) and still having energies for the day. But I'm sure I will find a way.

[heresiae]

The unmasking process is officially started.

Wish me luck.

[heresiae]

Most diets on the internt: "you will starve a bit and you have to eliminate all the good tasty food, but you will look good!" Nutritional plan from a nutritionis: "why aren't you snacking? I told you to snack at least two times a day. oh, you're eating dinner quite late? then ONE MORE SNACK IN THE AFTERNOON. and remember to eat ALL of the massive amount of variegate food I told you to. also, spices and olive oil are good"