#here's the 5sos aside:

[the-technorats]

ok ive been wanting to post abt this for a while. i think a part of the reason that i started to grow away from the 1d fandom recently (and more into 5sos, actually, which will be relevant later) is for these exact realizations. it became pretty clear, during the band's lifetime but mostly once the band went on hiatus, explicitly and implicitly, that being in one direction was extremely unhealthy for the talent involved.

and so not only did it become a kind of moral dilemma, bc how do you support and love something that you know is abusive, but it ruined the mirage of the essence of the band, which was, as louis put it, about having fun and being normal guys but terrible, terrible dancers, because you knew that under the surface of their silly, goofy live shows they were probably not having that much fun all the time and were definitely at points in either physical or mental anguish or both at once.

it feels so disillusioning because their primary appeal to their fanbase wasn't that they were like, hot or whatever (though they were and that was definitely part of it (but also their fanbase was so fucking queer that that metric could only do so much)), but it was that they were friends. the explicit marketing was sex appeal, sure, but the implicit marketing was community.

we wanted to think they were having as much fun as we were, that they loved being in the band with each other as much as we loved them. and once they broke up ("went on hiatus") and people started realizing they weren't quite as good of friends as we all thought they were, that they were coworkers, that they don't even have each other's phone numbers, that's when it didn't feel as good.

which is interesting. we all wanted so badly to be convinced that what we all knew was happening wasn't.

i think we desperately want that. as 1d put it: to be loved and to be in love. and we want to think that friendship and community and love can withstand anything, no matter how abusive and oppressive. because we want the hope that in our own abusive and oppressive life, our community can carry us through it. we're like, fantasizing about unionization and collectivization in a way that feels safe. and no one wants to hear this, but this IS a weapon of which we (and your faves) are victims.

like, god, if the success of capitalism isn't that it makes you think you want it. people want community? people are realizing that collective action is what overturns oppressive systems? give them this. this band of boys from working class backgrounds who love each other and made it to superstardom through nothing but the power friendship and love and art. give them that experience through an artificial projection of community that only ever makes you complicit in the commodification of yourself and your artists. the strongest sedative is the one you already want to take.

and if that isn't the reason 1d were doomed to fail. because they were created by the exact power that people want to push back against. you can't eat your young and have them too.

if being in one direction was all sunshine and rainbows, the boys would have come back after that hiatus and zayn would have never left.

behind closed doors, those boys were suffering.

it kills me that i never saw that because all i saw was that they made me happy and surely they were happy too.

that couldn't have been farther from the truth.

this is killing me

[lxnelyhearrt]

.

[bloodibambiidoll]

Hi dolly!!

This is my first time asking for a request and i hope it’s okay… but is there anyway you can write something smutty for Eddie?

Bully Eddie x shy reader? Eddie is surprised she got detention so he teases her about it the whole time ! When it’s over he “rewards” her for being good and taking the teasing ??

Pretty please 🥺🥺🥺🥺

So I took a lil tiny bit of a different approach with this, Reader isn’t as shy as I set out to make her because I’m not the best with shy reader but I hope you still like it, my love!! Also not so loosely based on “good girls” by 5SOS.

Warnings: All characters are 18+, Bully Eddie, “good girl” reader, hair pulling, teasing, unprotected sex, edging, a lil choking, clit slapping, pet names, fluffy ending. 18+MDNI! Wk: A lil over 2k

Everyone labels you as a “good girl” but the funny thing is, that you aren’t really. You sneak out. You party. You’re no stranger to skipping class. But when you sneak out you just go on night walks for some peace and quiet. And when you go to those parties you tend to keep to yourself, find a nice dark corner to hide in while you sip your drink and observe your peers, hardly noticed. Everyone thought you were a prude virgin, but that wasn’t true either. Thanks to Eddie Munson.

Eddie probably knew the real you better than anyone. The first night you hooked up he happened to be walking through the park you always stop to swing at on your walks and offered you a ride. At those parties he would always find your dark corner and slither his way into it, offering to pass joints back and forth, inevitably ending up with you both sweaty in the back of his van. But that didn’t stop him from calling you things like “Angel” and “goody two shoes” you would always disagree but he would always retort that with “bad girls get caught, and you’ve never been caught, so as far as everyone else is concerned, you’re a good girl.”

So he had this obsession with keeping it that way. He would talk to you at school and parties, but only for so long. He never gave any indication that you guys were hooking up on a regular basis to anyone and he even went as far as to tease you in front of your classmates. He was always tugging on your hair, knocking your books out of your hand, throwing little balled up pieces of paper at your head in the middle of English. You always just roll your eyes, maybe flip him off, tell him to fuck off. But in all honesty? It kind of hurts a little, because you’ve come to really like Eddie, even if you never meant to. That’s why when you heard girls in the locker room talking about how Eddie is probably “an animal in bed” but “they’d never touch him with a ten foot pole because he probably doesn’t shower” you might have seen red.

Not only did you feel territorial of him but you felt protective. So you might have grabbed Nina Johnson by the back of her hair and punched her directly in her nose. The entire locker room went silent aside from the sound of her groans as blood started to drip down her nose. If every single person in the room hadn’t unanimously agreed your gym teacher probably would’ve never believed it was you.

“Sooo you really aren’t gonna tell me why you’re in here?” Eddie is turned sideways in the chair next to you with his legs spread. His thick ringed fingers tap on the chipped wood of the desk and his boot clad foot shakes against the cracked linoleum as he gives you a pointed look.

“Nope.” You glance over at him with your lips formed into a pout, your eyes wide while you bat your lashes at him innocently.

“C’mon, angel, don’t be like that.” His tongue darts out to wet his plump bottom lip as his eyes roam your figure. “Tell me what my good girl did to land herself in detention with the likes of me. I’m dying to know.”

“Nice try. But still no.” You roll your eyes as you turn back to your book.

“Oooh, she’s sassy today. Why not? Was it something really bad? Did you go to the bathroom without a hall pass? Maybe you stole a book from the library? Wait, wait, don’t tell me you skipped class, angel? Thought you were a good girl.” You know he’s teasing you, trying to get you worked up, in more ways than one and you hate that it’s working.

“Shut up, Eddie, can’t you see that I’m reading?” The next thing you know your book is being ripped from your hands and held in front of Eddie’s face.

“What’re you reading, anyways? Oh - shit, this is kinda dirty, isn’t it sweetheart?” Eddie’s chocolate mischief filled eyes peek at you from over the cover as he wiggles his eyes eyebrows at you. “The knight did what to the princess now?”

“Eddie!” You feel your entire body warm with embarrassment. You reach out to try and grab the book back but he holds it above his head as he chuckles. “Stop being a dick! Give it back!”

“Don’t be greedy, princess, what if I want to know what the knight does next?” You shoot up from your chair and try to reach for the book again but Eddie easily moves it behind his back before you can get it in your grasp. “I think I’ll hold onto it until detention is over, and maybe if you act like a good girl for the next thirty minutes I’ll give it back after.”

“Whatever.” You huff, flopping down in your chair with your arms crossed.

You don’t look at Eddie for the rest of detention, deciding instead to stare out the window and pout while he continues to try and pester you. You were frustrated and tired of his teasing. You immediately grab your backpack and head for the door when the teacher comes into the room to dismiss you, totally ignoring Eddie as he calls after you. You roll your eyes when you hear his chains clanking behind you.

“Hey, princess, wait up! Don’t you want this back?” He catches up to you easily, his hand grasping onto your wrist to get you to stop walking. You whip your head towards him with your eyes set into a glare.

“Honestly, Eddie? I don’t really care anymore. I just want to go home.” You pull your arm from his grasp and try to walk away but he steps in front of you with a concerned look on his face.

“Hey, are we good? You know I just like fucking with you, right?” He holds your book up between you, offering it to you.

“Yeah, that’s just about all you like.” Eddie’s face drops at your tone. You're never like this. You usually get all giggly and embarrassed when he messes with you but he’s never seen you genuinely pissed off at him. As much as it unsettles him it also makes his cock twitch a little.

“You’re kind of hot when you’re mad, you know that?” Eddie bites his lip and gives you that look that makes you swoon for him every time. He reaches his hand out to cup your jaw, his thumb running across your pouty lips. “Quit pouting, let me drive you home.”

“No.” You whine, pouting even further as you look up at him through your lashes. He has you and he knows it.

“Alright, fine then.” Eddie shrugs, giving you a devilish smirk before turning to walk away, he only makes it a few steps before you’re calling out for him. “That’s what I thought, there’s my good girl.”

“Yeah, fuck, taking me so well, angel.” Eddie is pounding you from behind, your cheek is squished against one of the pillows he started keeping in the back of the van while one of his large hands is laced through your hair. The other roughly grabs onto your hip for leverage, his hips slapping loudly against the fat of your ass.

“Maybe you’re not a good girl after all, huh? Getting dentition. Giving me an attitude. Letting the freak fuck you in the back of his van a block away from your house? Maybe you’ve just been a naughty girl this entire time?” That has you clenching around him, loud moans leaving your lips as you cum hard on his cock.

“Fuck, Eddie, fuck!” He continues to fuck into you hard and deep, using his grip on your hair to pull you up so your back is flush against his chest.

“Tell me why you got detention.” His lips brush your ear, his voice rough.

“Uh-uh” Your eyes roll back when his finger tips brush across your puffy wet clit. He pounds into you a few more times before stilling inside you.

“Tell me, or I’ll stop. I’ll make you lay there and watch me while I jerk off on your pretty little face.” His teeth sink into the nape of your neck, causing you to throw your head back, your walls constricting around his thick cock.

“I don’t know why it matters so much - fuck Eddie -“ you gasp when his hand comes down on your clit, smacking it.

“Tell me.” The hand in your hair grabs onto your throat, adding just the right amount of pressure.

“I punched Nina Johnson in the face, okay!?” You whine when he pulls out of you completely, flipping you on your back. He leans over you, with his hands on either side of your head and a smile plastered on his face.

“Princess, you what!?” He chuckles.

“You heard me.” You pout, avoiding eye contact.

“Did you really? That’s so hot.” He grips onto your chin, forcing you to look at him. “Why’d you do it?”

“Eddie, you said you’d fuck me again if I told you why I got detention I don’t think it’s really fair that you’re asking more que -“ You’re cut off when he takes his cock in his hand and slams inside of you, he doesn’t even give you time to think before his cock is bullying your sweet spot.

“Guess you're officially a bad girl now, huh? Since you got caught?” Eddie chuckles as one of his hands snakes down to rub circles on your clit in time with his thrusts. “But you’re still gonna be a good girl for me, right?”

“Yes, yes, I’ll be so good for you, so fucking good. I’m close, I’m gonna -“ His thrusts and the circles on your clit stop simultaneously causing you to gasp.

“Then be good and tell me why you punched her and I’ll let you cum.” He slaps your clit again and it has your eyes rolling back. “You a little pain slut too? Guess we will have to explore that later. Now answer the question.”

“I just did, okay? I don’t know why it matters, she’s always been a bitch to you anyways.” You whine, any and all fire you had gone, all you want is to cum on Eddie’s cock. “Please, please let me cum Eddie, wanna cum.”

“There’s an easy solution here, princess.” Eddie chuckles as he lands another slap on your clit. “Why’d you do it?”

“She said something fucked up about you, okay!? Now can I please cum? Please?” Eddie’s eyes widen, his heart warming a bit at your words. You got detention for him? He’s going to rock your fucking world.

“Oh, angel. I really have corrupted you, haven’t I? Punching girls in the face for little ol’ me?” He grips onto your calf, throwing it over his shoulder so he can fuck into you deeper, his fingers find your clit again as his cock bullies your sweet spot over and over again. “Cum for me.”

“Fuck, Eddie, want you to cum too. Want you to fill me up.” You’re usually pretty shy with dirty talk but Eddie is seeing a whole new side of you today and he really fucking loves it.

“Yeah? Want me to fill this pussy up? Paint your walls with my cum? Maybe I’ll mark you up so everyone knows what a bad girl you really are?” Eddie leans down, letting your leg fall so he can bury his face in your neck. He sucks on your skin, determined to leave his mark.

“Oh god, I’m gonna cum, Eddie. I’m gonna fucking cum, please mark me up, want everyone to know who I belong to.” Your tight wet pussy constricts around him, sending him over the edge with you. He cock twitches inside you as spurts of his cum fill you.

“Yeah, fuck, that’s it. Naughty little pussy taking all my cum just like she was made to.”

Eddie fucks you both through your highs before flipping onto his side, pulling you against him. You lean up so you can bury your face in his neck and give him a mark of your own causing him to let out a groan.

“You’re gonna get me going again if you keep doing that, baby.” He chuckles, running a hand along the back of your head to encourage you to look at him. When you do, he’s looking at you in a way he never has before. Almost with adoration. “You’re really badass, you know that?”

“Yeah? That’s a high compliment coming from you, fair knight.” He lets out a loud, signature Eddie laugh at that.

“I am but your humble servant, princess. I am indebted to you for defending me from the evil witch of the locker room.” You both burst into a fit of giggles. “But really though, you should let me read more of that book, maybe we can act it out one day.”

“Oh my god! You’re so annoying.” You snort, playfully slapping his chest.

“Yeah? And you’re my certified badass girl.”

“Yours, huh?” You look up at him and he cups your jaw, rubbing circles along the apple of your cheek with his thumb.

“Yeah, if you’ll have me.” His cheeks turn a tinge pink as he looks down at you bashfully.

“Duh.” You connect your lips with his in a tender kiss that feels different from any other kiss he’s given you. You were Eddie Munson’s girl and that’s all you ever really wanted to be.

Divider is by @strangergraphics

[81folklore]

older - LECLERC

pairings: charles leclerc x male!singer!reader (fc: luke hemmings)

summary: singer yn ln releases a love song with his boyfriend, and the public are not prepared for who it is about

authors note: this has been on my mind for SO LONG. i honestly dont like how many fics ive been doing on the same people (charles, lando etc) but whenever i go to start a new one on my list for someone else i think of something that i have to do😭 also in this reader is not a part of 5sos but close friends with the 3, wfttwtaf is readers album and older is exclusivly the readers song

authors note 2: i wanted to quickly clarify i am NOT speculating that charles or luke are gay/queer and this is not my intentions. luke obviously sings older and i find it easier to visualise it this way, while the reader in this is male, this could also be read as gn!reader. this is FICTION please do not tkae this as me speculating anything

authors note 3: i didnt really know what i was doing with this so its kind of all over the place and very rushed :/ but then again when arent my smau all over the place?? also can you tell i hate writing comments by the way i just dont😭

masterlist

yourusername

liked by pierregasly, ashtonirwin and 818,937 others

we started this song together back in 2020 and picked it back up at the end of 2022

'Older' was originally a voice memo of a 50’s-style love song that we wrote together, then forgot about. when thinking of concepts for my debut album i stumbled across the memo and fell in love with it all over again, but i put it aside yet again as to me, it deserved more than the album

the song has changed a lot from the original voice memo, but the meaning has stayed the same throughout. despite all the beauty, the ups and downs of a long-term relationship over many years, there’s inevitably going to be the worst moment of your love because one of you is going to lose each other

capturing those feelings in a song was tricky but ultimately we wrote from the heart and i think it shows in the song itself

this has always been a song between us, so having him play on this song was very importnt to me and im glad he said yes

older is now yours

comments on this post have been limited

yourusername

liked by landonorris, calumhood and 1,727,338 others

im very pleased to announce a very special one off show at the Royal Albert Hall in London this November 18th. I will be playing a bunch of tracks from my debut album and may be joined to play some others aswell! Tickets on sale this monday at 10 am BST. Lots of love always, yn x

comments on this post have been limited

yourusername

liked by 5sos, charles_leclerc and 2,719,936 others

thank you for an incredible night at the royal albert hall

looking back at the best night of my life, i need to thank each and every one of you who allowed this dream to come true, i will never be able to thank you guys enough

performing in my dream venue, with my favorite people in the world was something i never thought was possible and yet here i am, writing this still on my high from last night

thank you to my friends; michael, ashton and calum who took the time to come to london and perform their songs with me, thank you for always loving me and agreeing to my crazy ideas

to my team and everyone who worked to make this night as special as it could be, thank you. thank you for making my htoughts a reality and making this night as wonderful as possible

thank you to the staff who worked throughout the show to make sure everyone was safe, well and looked after. you truly do not get as much credit as you deserve and i apreciate the hard work you put in to keep everyone happy

thank you to those who joined me, i wish each and every one of you who wanted to could have been there. thank you for singing along and listening to me pour my heart and soul into my music

thank you for letting me do this x

view comments

user55: not the pcd hitting already☹️

user1: and im supposed to pretend i didnt see yn and 5sos perform os/co??

user89: CHARLES?? YN IS DATING CHARLES??

user91: AND HE CAME ON STAGE?? AND THEY PERFORMED OLDER??

user50: i cant believe i saw this all happen live

user47: THANK YOU TO WHOEVER WAS RUNING THE GRAINY LIVESTREAM I OWE YOU MY LIFE🧎🧎🏻‍♀️🧎🏻‍♀️

ashtonirwin: thank you for everything yn. youre a real life angel

user16: NO CHARLES MENTION??

user9: BESTIE HE HAS A WHOLE POST

yourusername

liked by charles_leclerc, pierregasly, michaelclifford and 3,619,273 others

after having time to process this show, I feel so overcome with gratefulness. my music means so much to me and seeing so many people resonate with it in a live space was so special for me.

charlie, my life would literally fall apart without you and this would have never happened without you giving me the confidence to do so, i hold so much love and admiration for you

thank you for joining me on such a special night and performing our song with me, thank you for sticking with me through it all and thank you for allowing me to share this part of my life with you

i sometimes wonder where i would be if i didnt find you, if i wasnt blessed with your love. i try to think about the times before you, before us, but both feel impossible to do after feeling your love

life with you is so special and i promise to always cherish and love you

merci de m'avoir laissé vieillir avec toi, merci de m'avoir laissé t'adorer, merci de m'avoir choisi (thank you for letting me get old with you, thank you for letting me adore you, thank you for choosing me)

yn x

tagged: charles_leclerc

comments on this post have been limited

charles_leclerc: mon ange, je t'aimerai toujours (my angel, I will always love you)

charles_leclerc: je suis tellement privilégiée d'être celle que tu aimes🤍🤍 (I'm so privileged to be the one you love)

yourusername: vieillir avec toi ne semble pas si effrayant🖤🖤 (growing old with you doesn't seem so scary)

[sunshine-daisies-library]

ghost of you | steve harrington x fem!reader

summary: steve harrington comes to the realization that he needs you more than anything. if only he had come to that realization before he lost you forever. 

warnings: breakup, angst, drinking, depression, hopeful ending

wordcount: 2.05k

author's note: this fic is based off ghost of you by 5sos, and i hope you enjoy it! i started writing this like back in february and just decided to finish it up now, so there might be random gaps in there just lmk lol. if you'd like a part two, let me know!

Steve couldn’t sleep as well as he did before. Weeks of tossing and turning could no longer be blamed on a supposedly lumpy mattress. Dustin and Robin had told him time and time again that if he wanted a new mattress he could simply buy a new one. But the mattresses at the store were missing something. They didn’t come with the faint smell of your shampoo, or the wrinkles in the sheets from when you last slept over. 

Nearly two months had passed since you were here, yet everything remained the same in Steve’s bedroom. Your side of the bed was untouched. No matter how much Steve insisted he was getting over you, he still refused to sleep on your side of the bed. 

Steve rolled out of bed and dragged his feet down the stairs. The floors creaked with every heavy step until he made it down to the kitchen. Dust coated the countertop from lack of use aside from a plate of uneaten food here and there. Robin always made sure Steve had food - she’d stop by the local pizzeria at times and buy him a slice. But as soon as she’d leave, he’d push away the plate and go back to bed. 

Steve sat down on the barstool and sighed to himself. To his right sat a half empty cup of coffee. There was nothing special about the cup, it was just a blue cup with a faded “world’s okay-est dad” printed on it from the kids last holiday. But to Steve, it was your cup. Your lipstick was still stained on the rim, faint but still there. God, you didn’t live together officially back then, yet you had designated the left side of the bed and Steve’s yellow sweatshirt as yours, not that Steve minded, though. He loved you, adored you, even. 

If only he told you that when it mattered most. 

–

Steve wasn’t sure why he gave into Robin and Nancy’s idea. Perhaps it was because he was such a pushover for the kids, that nature transferred to them as well. Nonetheless, Steve was heavily regretting it. 

Now, all of Steve’s house was being deeply cleaned to a near perfect state. Nancy suggested throwing a party to get Steve “out of his funk,” as she put it. Anything to help improve his mood, but in reality Steve wanted to do anything but party. He couldn’t when you weren’t by his side, making sure he didn’t drink too much or that he had enough water and food in his stomach. Not when you weren’t pulling him to the middle of the room to dance like no one was watching, or whispering in his ear that you had enough socializing for one night. Those moments, he would look into your eyes and not break away when he called out to everyone that the party was over. Because you were everything to him and anything you said goes. That is until he broke things off with you. 

Why did he ever end things? 

Steve’s mind was racing as he absentmindedly swept the living room floor, dust accumulating at his feet. He didn’t hear Robin’s voice calling out to him until she was literally in front of him, shaking his shoulders. The boy snapped out of his thoughts, flinching at his friend’s rough shaking. 

“Jesus, Rob,” he shook his head. “What do you want?”

Robin rolled her eyes at his hostility and crossed her arms on her chest. “Nancy called,” she deadpanned. “She did the laundry and found a bunch of old crap. She wants to know if she can throw them out or donate them.”

Steve sighed, running his fingers through his uncommonly flat, greasy hair. He had forgotten to shower -once again- but he made a mental note to do so once he finished cleaning the house. “It’s probably my mom’s stuff. I’ll go down to check it out.” 

Handing the broom and dustpan to his friend, Steve casually walked downstairs to meet Nancy. And at that moment, he felt as though his entire world collapsed in front of him. In a way, his world really did. 

Nancy was crouched by the dryer, folding clothes and sorting them as she pleased. At her side was a lime green basket full of Steve’s old sweatshirts and jeans he once had haphazardly strewn across his bedroom floor. Sitting on top of the pile was a faded black Led Zeppelin shirt. The design was barely there anymore, and you could barely make out the words on it. But that didn’t matter to Steve. That was your shirt and not Nancy’s to touch. 

“Hey Steve,” she greeted without looking up from her work. “I set aside a pile of–” 

“What did you do?” Steve yelled, his voice raspy and broken from lack of use. He scrambled to the ground and reached for his band t-shirt. The worn material was thin and frail in his hands, almost to a point where he could pull a thread from the hem and the entire shirt would fall apart. 

Nancy shot up in alarm, not expecting his frantic reaction. “I-I did the laundry-”

“NO!” he cried out. He brought the article of clothing to his nose, desperately trying to smell you, find you, in the shirt but to no avail. All that he could smell was the stupid detergent from the convenience store. 

Tears streamed down his face and onto the cotton, quickly absorbing it and darkening the shirt color. “That was all I had of her,” he sobbed. “How could you, I-I” 

Robin ran down into the laundry room at the sound of Steve yelling. “What’s going on here?” she called, racing to meet her friends. “Nancy what happened?” 

The poor girl only shrugged her shoulders. “I was just finishing up the laundry and Steve flipped out. Something about a memento?” 

Robin stared down at the broken man before her. She could barely recognize him anymore. He was a wreck without you. “y/n’s shirt,” was all Robin could say. 

Closing his eyes, Steve could barely make out the image of you in the rain. You had yet another quarrel with your family and ended up at his doorstep. The fuzzy memory replayed in his head, how you were out of breath from running across town to him, looking for him. How he held you the entire night while you wore that shirt since your original clothes were wet and muddy. You clung to him as if he were your lifeline, and he held you with the same regard. They always said you two were too young to know what love felt or meant. No one understood or felt your hurt the way he did. That’s what made you perfect for each other.

And that’s what made you each other’s poison. 

– 

The debacle was resolved once Steve had fallen asleep in his room, locking himself away for the rest of the afternoon until cleaning had completed. Robin had consoled Nancy after she kicked herself for her mistake, but there was nothing that could be done afterwards. Something Steve had forgotten was that they had lost a friend as well. If he wasn’t your person, Nancy was, the girl glued to the hip wherever you went. And Robin was a little sister to you, the kids, too. You were an essential part of your little group. And now you’re just gone. 

Soon enough, the party started and the Harrington Manor was filled to the brim with drunk high school students or popular has-beens. No one quite knew how they managed to get in, but no one stopped them or cared for that matter. It was a long shot, but Eddie, Nancy, and Robin were grasping at straws to get their Steve back. If a party to reminisce old times brings back his cheerful spark, then they were willing to buy all the booze Hawkins could supply. 

Steve stood by himself in the corner of the main room of the house, nursing his third can of beer of the hour. He was silent, despite the many people coming up in their drunken stupor to greet the supposed host of the party. All he could manage was a fake smile and nod to bore them off. 

All of a sudden, he caught a glimpse of a familiar color of hair. He whipped his head around to follow the shadow, only for it to disappear into the crowd. Steve hurried to push through waves of people dancing to music Steve could only describe as pure trash, to find what he was looking for. After all, could it be? After two months, could a party bring you back to him? 

“y/n!” Steve shouted out, his voice drowned out in the blaring music. “y/n!” 

The shadow did not stop, but neither did Steve. Steve followed it to the backyard, shouting and stumbling as the alcohol in his system began to take over. 

“Steve!” a voice shouted behind him. Steve finally stopped to turn around and see Max staring back at him in disbelief. “What the hell are you yelling about?”

Steve’s hands trembled as he grabbed Max’s shoulders. “y/n,” he whispered. “I saw her, I swore I saw her here. She was right there, I-” 

“Steve,” Max sighed. “She’s not here. She never was.” The teen pointed out at the garden and pool, seeing no one in sight. Truth be told, absolutely no one was there. Not in the party, nor the backyard. Steve’s grief had taken him by storm. Max feared the worst for him.

–

The party finally ended in the early hours of the morning. Steve woke up on the sticky floor of his manor to the sound of his doorbell ringing. The night was a blur to him. He could barely recall when the party started, much as when it ended. There were flashes of blaring lights and music in Steve’s intoxicated mind. His friends had tried to stop him from drinking himself stupid. At one point, Eddie had to catch him off the kitchen counter when he thought he could crowd surf. To put it shortly, his friends had gotten extremely upset with him and left not long after. Not that Steve cared, though. The alcohol in his system and neverending dread prevented him from caring. 

“I can’t keep doing this anymore, Steve,” Robin had yelled over the loud music. Their friends nodded solemnly behind her. “We can’t keep letting you sulk and drink yourself to death. But we can’t help you when you can’t help yourself.”

“Like I care,” Steve slurred, stumbling over himself. Trashy beer dribbled down his chin, onto his expensive sweater. “I didn’t ask you guys to help me. I didn’t ask you to wash her shirt, or clean her side of the bed. I didn’t ask you to help me forget her.” 

“We aren’t telling you to forget her,” Dustin sighed for the millionth time that night. “We just want you to go back to normal.”

Steve plopped down against the wall, his head creating a thud noise against it. “How can I?” he began to cry. “I see her everywhere. It’s like her ghost is still here, dancing through the house.” His friends stared down at him feeling absolutely helpless. The young teens watched pitifully. Steve was their rock throughout it all. He was the strongest person they knew, but now he was broken in a million pieces and there was nothing they could do. 

And now, Steve clumsily stood up and kicked around empty beer cans as he approached the door. 

“Alright,” he grumbled, thinking it was one of his friends. He knew he had to apologize for the things he said that night, but he was hoping he’d get a chance to get over his hangover first. 

The doorbell rang one more time, causing Steve to wince at the pinging noise. “I heard you the first time, for fuck’s sake,” he yelled out. Unlocking the door, the door swung open to reveal not Nancy, or Dustin, or even Robin for that matter. 

“Stevie,” you whispered, teary eyed. You were wearing his yellow sweatshirt and hadn’t changed a bit. From your hair to your stature. You were still his girl.

“y/n,” Steve gasped out.

[skzficstapes]

track 01: ghost of you by 5sos

The apartment was quiet, save for the faint hum of the heater and the occasional creak of the floorboards. You sat on the couch, a blanket draped over your shoulders, staring blankly at the cup of tea in your hands. It had gone cold long ago, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care.

Chan’s absence was a weight that never lifted, a ghost that lingered in every corner of the life you once shared. The apartment still smelled faintly of him—his cologne, the detergent he insisted on using because it "smelled like home." Even months later, you couldn’t bring yourself to change much. His jacket still hung by the door. His favorite mug sat untouched in the kitchen.

And yet, despite your efforts to preserve his memory, you knew it wasn’t enough. Nothing would ever bring him back.

A knock at the door broke the silence, startling you. For a moment, you didn’t move, as if ignoring it would make the world leave you alone. But the knocking came again, more insistent this time.

You sighed, setting the tea down and shuffling to the door. When you opened it, Jisung stood there, his hands shoved into the pockets of his coat, snowflakes dusting his dark hair.

“Hey,” he said, his voice soft.

“Hey,” you replied, stepping aside to let him in.

He hesitated for a moment before stepping inside, shaking the snow off his coat and toeing off his boots. He’d been coming around a lot lately—bringing groceries, fixing little things around the apartment, keeping you company even when you didn’t ask for it. He was Chan’s best friend, and now, in his absence, he seemed determined to fill the void.

You appreciated it. You did. But it also made things more complicated.

“You didn’t have to come,” you said, closing the door behind him.

“You didn’t answer my texts,” he said simply, his tone more matter-of-fact than accusatory. He shrugged off his coat, hanging it on the rack beside Chan’s. The sight of them together, one belonging to the past and one to the present, made your chest tighten.

“Sorry,” you mumbled, avoiding his gaze.

“It’s fine,” he said. “I just... wanted to check on you.”

You nodded, retreating to the couch. He followed, sitting down beside you but keeping a careful distance.

“How are you holding up?” he asked after a moment.

“I’m fine,” you said automatically, though the crack in your voice betrayed the lie.

Jisung sighed, leaning back against the couch. “You don’t have to say that, you know. Not with me.”

You didn’t respond, your eyes fixed on the cold tea on the table.

“It’s okay to not be okay,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

You closed your eyes, willing the tears to stay at bay. “I miss him,” you admitted, your voice shaking.

“I know,” Jisung said.

You looked at him then, and the raw emotion in his eyes nearly undid you. He missed Chan too, you knew that. They’d been inseparable, practically brothers. Losing him had shattered Jisung in his own way, and yet he was here, trying to hold you together when he was still piecing himself back.

“Sometimes I feel like he’s still here,” you said, your voice barely audible. “Like if I turn around, I’ll see him standing there, smiling like nothing’s wrong.”

Jisung swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “I feel that way too,” he admitted. “It’s like... he’s everywhere and nowhere at the same time.”

Silence settled between you, heavy with the weight of shared grief.

“I don’t know how to move on,” you said after a while, your voice trembling. “I don’t even know if I want to.”

Jisung shifted closer, his hand hovering near yours before he pulled it back. “You don’t have to move on,” he said softly. “Not in the way people think. You can carry him with you. It doesn’t mean you’re letting go. It just means... you’re finding a way to keep living.”

His words hit something deep inside you, something you’d been avoiding. You turned to look at him, and for the first time, you really saw him—not just as Chan’s best friend, but as someone who was trying to navigate this loss just like you.

“I’m scared,” you admitted, your voice breaking.

“I know,” he said. And then, after a beat, “Me too.”

The space between you seemed to shrink, the air charged with something you couldn’t quite name. His gaze dropped to your lips for a fleeting second before he quickly looked away, guilt flashing across his face.

“Sorry,” he muttered, pulling back.

“Jisung...” you began, but you didn’t know what to say.

He stood abruptly, running a hand through his hair. “I should go,” he said, his voice tight.

“Wait,” you said, standing as well.

He paused, his back to you, his shoulders tense.

“I don’t want to be alone,” you admitted, the words tumbling out before you could stop them.

He turned slowly, his eyes searching yours. “Are you sure?” he asked, his voice laced with both hope and hesitation.

You nodded, though your chest felt like it might cave in. “Stay.”

He hesitated for a moment before stepping closer, his hand reaching out to brush against yours. The touch sent a shiver down your spine, and for a brief, reckless moment, you wondered what it would feel like to close the distance completely.

But then the guilt hit you like a tidal wave, and you pulled your hand away.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, tears welling up again. “I can’t—”

“It’s okay,” he said quickly, his own eyes glistening. “I get it. I do.”

The tension between you was unbearable, a mix of longing and guilt and something you couldn’t name.

“I’ll stay,” he said finally, his voice steady despite the turmoil in his eyes. “But only as long as you need me to.”

You nodded, the tears spilling over as he pulled you into a hug. You clung to him, the warmth of his embrace both a comfort and a reminder of what you’d lost.

And as the night stretched on, you stayed there, tangled in a web of grief and love and the haunting presence of the one who was no longer there. The ghost of Chan lingered between you, a silent witness to the connection you and Jisung were too afraid to fully acknowledge.

For now, it was enough. But you both knew it couldn’t stay that way forever.

[heeracha]

▸▸ now playing: why won’t you love me, 5sos

▸▸ dedicated to: park sunghoon

genre/warning(s): unrequited love, swearing, toxic relationship, hoon has commitment issues

note: @precioussoulofmine you chose this, you wanted this, so you should suffer and not blame me for this /j ily i hope u like this mwa

wc: 0.9k omg

heeracha's spotify wrapped 2022 — [ open ]

sunghoon knew it was fucked up.

so fucked up to hold on to you even though he knew he couldn’t fully commit. but at the same time, he can’t let go of you. it was selfish, so damn selfish. he knew that he should have told you he had issues in committing from the very start when he dated you.

or better yet, he should never have asked you out and made you hope for nothing.

instead he’s here, ignoring one of your calls again as he continues to drink with his friends. jake frowns at the action. he was a little guilty since sunghoon has known you through him. you may have ranted a little to jake about how sunghoon would always leave you hanging, but when he feels you slipping away, he would be the perfect boyfriend right away. you always stayed, hoping it would last until the end. it never did.

you wanted to get out of this relationship, really. but there was something about sunghoon that made you stay. maybe you were just so in love with him. when jay got married, he took you as his date. he even took you to the dance floor to slow dance with you along with the others. then, he became the perfect boyfriend once again. he even talked about how it would be like if it would be you two getting wed.

you concluded, sunghoon just loves you when it gets exciting.

you love sunghoon and you know he cares for you, but he doesn’t love you. and you wanted to be loved when it’s calm, not only when it’s the exciting part—the beginning.

when the ringing ended and still no answer from your supposed boyfriend, you went to sleep with a frown on your face.

one tear escapes your eye before slumber fully takes you in.

next day comes, you came up with a solution to stop the relationship: ghost him. it was only sensible, right? he ghosts you, shows up once a week when he feels guilty. 

the tables have turned, he was the one calling and texting you after a week. you ignored all of them, thinking he would stop. but you were wrong. like i said, he can’t let you go. so when two weeks and a half passed, he was knocking on your door at eleven in the evening.

you didn’t want to, but when you were met with his eyes that looked so lost and scared, you step aside to let him in. you slowly close the door, giving yourself a pep talk in the head to end things with him.

if there are things left, anyway.

“where have you been? why haven’t you answered any of my calls and texts?” he asks. he wasn’t mad, his voice wasn’t demanding answers. he was scared, again.

you were thinking of what to say, but sometimes, mouth works faster than the brain. “i thought it was the only way to end the relationship.” you say, looking down. you didn’t want to see his eyes. it would make you stay again.

sunghoon was panicking by now. “y/n, i know i haven’t been a perfect boyfriend—”

“you were anything but a boyfriend, sunghoon.” you softly say.

you wanted to scream, let your anger out, but you had no energy.

sunghoon closes his eyes, gulping. “y/n, please.” he mumbles. he knows he had no right, he knows it’s fucked up, he knows it’s selfish. but he can’t help it. “i promise, i’ll change. i’ll—i will be here with you 24/7 from now on. i will… do everything just stay. please.”

you look at him. he’s closer to you now, hands clasped together as he looks at you with his eyes pooling with tears.

“answer me this,” you say, crossing your arms on your chest. “why do you hold on to me?”

how about you, though? why do you hold on to sunghoon even if he had walked all over your heart a million times already?

sunghoon didn’t know what to say. but he knows, he loved having someone love him. but he keeps on lying to himself that there must be another reason. 

“i love you, y/n.”

“no,” you softly say, shaking your head. “you don’t.”

sunghoon looks at you, letting his tears go.

“that’s okay, sunghoon.” you mumble. “but please, let me go.”

you were desperate, sunghoon could hear it. but he was selfish. he knew he should let you go, it’s the only thing to do. it’s the only decent thing he can do for you for the long time he has been your boyfriend. 

but here he is, taking your hands as he gets down on his knees to beg. “please, y/n. please.” ever so softly he says.

“please, don’t.” you close your eyes, tears streaming down your cheeks.

“one more chance, please.” sunghoon begs, looking up to you with so much desperation. “if i fuck up one more time, i’ll be the one to end it with you.”

you know he would fuck up again. he always does.

you always knew he would fuck up over and over again. but that never stopped you.

that’s why your hands slide up to his shoulders as you fall on your knees, arms wrapping around his neck while sunghoon wraps his arms around your waist.

you concluded another one, sunghoon only loves you when you’re slipping away.

— likes, comments/feedbacks and rbs are highly appreciated <3

[lovesosweeet]

better left unsaid // cth

chapter twenty

in which orion has leukemia, and calum doesn’t know.

calum hood x fem!oc

read other chapters

june 7, 2016 london, england orion

Somehow, my roommates chose not to join me in London to see 5SOS again. We’d had so much fun at the Madrid show, but after Calum extended the invite to visit the band again, they all declined the offer. I didn’t like the thought of not seeing Cal at least once or twice more, so I booked my flight as soon as I could, choosing the cheapest option possible. It meant spending the night on the floor at the airport so I could catch the earliest flight today and still take the metro before it shut down at 2, but that also meant I landed pretty early on in the day.

Calum and I will have the whole day together. Well, the whole day aside from their soundcheck and other band obligations. I’ll be here with them tomorrow, too, but Calum said they’d have press for most of the day, so I’ll get to explore alone, and then after tomorrow’s show I’m tagging along to Brighton before flying back to Spain.

He’d offered to send a car to pick me up at the airport, but I declined. He tried to fight back and insist, but I felt like it was incredibly unnecessary. I can handle myself. So, once I made my way through customs, I followed the signs to the underground station and hopped on the next train that goes toward the direction of the hotel Calum said they’re staying at.

While I ride the tube, I text him.

To: calum 5sos

hi! on my way to you now. probably like 20 min!

I told him that I would be here early, so I’m hoping he’s awake.

The train is packed with commuters, so I feel extra cautious of being pickpocketed. My valuables are in my crossbody that I have in front of me, but my backpack is stuffed with clothes and makeup. I grip my phone as tightly as I can.

Calum texts me back quickly.

From: calum 5sos

hi pretty! I’m ready to go whenever you get here. can’t wait to see ya!

Suddenly I feel nervous to see him. I did my makeup on the plane and used a ton of overpriced dry shampoo I’d bought at the airport, but now I’m wondering if I look pretty enough to be hanging out with an internationally famous musician.

It’s also funny because it’s only been a few days since I last saw him, and yet, here I am, excited to see him. I’m borderline missing him, which feels wild considering I’ve only known him for about a week. I do my best to push away those kinds of feelings — this is just fun. We’re just having fun together. I’ll probably see him this trip, maybe try to see him one other time, and that’ll probably be it. I’m sure he’s got other girls who’d like to see him, and they’re only in Europe for a month and a half or so.

The rest of the ride to my final station seems to creep by slowly, my nerves just building while I stand awkwardly on the train, clutching my phone and the metal pole that’s keeping me steady.

When we get to the station, I quickly exit the train with an onslaught of other passengers. Most of them are dressed in business clothes, on their way to work. I’m wearing jean shorts and a cropped t-shirt with a linen button down on top, making me feel like I stand out. I’m casual, and I feel quite American in my outfit. My San Diego Padres baseball hat really adds to my American-ness, and I suddenly feel like I should’ve possibly rethought my outfit choice.

My hands are sweaty as I ride the escalator up to the exit. I route my way to Calum’s hotel, trying to at least know which direction to start walking in when I get to the street. Those efforts prove to be unnecessary because when I get to the street, I see Calum waiting for me.

He’s wearing his standard black pants and a pair of black Vans with a black and white striped t-shirt. He’s somewhat disguised with a pair of Raybans covering his eyes, but his height makes the grinning boy stick out to me as soon as I step off the escalator. He raises his hand in a wave when he sees me, instantly starting to walk towards me.

“Orion!” He calls out. As soon as he’s a few steps from me, Calum opens his arms wide so he can wrap me into a tight hug.

I’m somewhat stunned, truthfully, but try to hide it. I hug him back instantly, feeling safer in his grasp. He doesn’t hold onto me for too long, but I’m not sure if it’s because I step back after a few seconds in his arms or if he lets me go.

“No security?” I ask when there’s a foot or so of space between us. I look around, trying to see if there’s a guard hiding a few people away or something, but still don’t see anyone.

Calum shakes his head and smiles. “Nah, convinced Matt to let us free roam today. A trial run.”

I nod. “Got it, I’m on my best behavior.”

He laughs, throwing an arm over my shoulders. “Let’s go drop off your bag at the hotel, and we can get breakfast?” He asks as if it’s a question, even though it’s technically a sentence. “If you’re hungry, I mean.”

“I’m hungry,” I tell him. I feel his shoulders relax. “And I love breakfast.”

“I know you do,” Calum says.

He knows I love breakfast? Had I told him that? Maybe when I was drunk I mentioned it. I do tend to rant about things when I’m drunk.

“Sorry, didn’t mean that to sound creepy,” he then blurts. “I looked at like… your entire Instagram account like a creep, so maybe it should’ve sounded creepy. Sorry, now I’m showing you all my cards, I just—”

I cut him off with laughter. I’m flattered that he had scrolled through my feed. I was shocked to get the follow request, but I accepted it, assuming he’d just follow me and not ever interact with me. I figured it was a nicety. He probably follows every girl he hooks up with as some weird way to document them.

“It’s fine, I looked through yours too.” I did. I saw mostly what I expected. A bunch of stage photos, pictures with his bandmates, a few pictures with his family mixed in. I felt like I got a glimspe into who he is, beyond what I’d learnt during our day and a half together in Madrid.

“I’m flattered,” he says, chuckling.

“I mean it’s not every day I meet someone who knows Harry Styles,” I tell him. “Naturally I needed to see how close of friends you guys are.”

Calum scoffs. He turns me suddenly, onto a new street. I don’t question it and just try to keep up with his long legged pace. “I thought you weren’t a 1D fan?”

I laugh, but it comes out more as a giggle, which for some reason feels embarrassing. “I’m not, but you can’t deny that the man is dreamy.”

Calum laughs, but I’m not sure if it’s at my comment or at my awkward giggle. “I get it, you’re just pretending to like me so you can meet him.”

I’m so wrapped up in my conversation with Calum that I don’t even realize that we’re walking into an alley behind a hotel now. The only reason I realize it is because I can hear the echoes of a crowd from the other side of the building, chanting “5SOS” — it’s 7 in the morning, which is far too early for that in my opinion.

The security guard, Gus is his name, is the same one who had been in Madrid. He smiles when he sees me, or maybe when he sees Calum, or maybe it’s the combination of us. Either way, he waves his hand hello.

“Hi, Gus!” I call, offering him a smile.

“Good morning, Orion.” He remembers my name?

I look at Calum with a surprised look and find him already smiling at me. God, I like him. I smile back and mumble a quiet thank you when he opens the door to the hotel for me. We walk to the service elevator, Cal leading the way, and he presses the button for the seventh floor.

“For the record, I don’t need to meet Harry Styles. I’ve already met the coolest bassist that’s come out of Australia this decade.”

Calum rolls his eyes, feigning annoyance. “Just this decade?”

I throw my head back with a laugh. “I don’t know enough about bassists, and especially not Australian ones, so I didn’t want to oversell you.”

His annoyance evaporates and then he’s giggling with me. The doors open to the floor, Cal holding his arm out so they don’t close on me, and then he grabs onto my hand to pull me to his room. Once the door is unlocked, he opens it for me and lets me walk in ahead of him.

“I’m probably the coolest bassist to come out of Aus in the past century,” he announces, flicking the lights on. “And the hottest.”

I purse my lips. I’d agree, but I can’t inflate his ego. He’s already here, claiming to be the hottest and coolest bassist of the century. “You can keep telling yourself that, bud.” I’m also trying to avoid appearing completely smitten with him, even though I am.

He laughs again. “See, I like how you knock me down.”

I drop my backpack onto the armchair in the corner of the room, next to his open suitcase, messily piled with clothes and a few packs of cigarettes and then I hold my hand out to him. “I’ll pull you back up, too.”

“My dream girl.”

I do my best to ignore the sudden flutter in my chest, settling on smiling cheesily at him.

It’s just a fling, I tell myself. I need to keep my expectations low.

“You said there’d be breakfast?” I ask.

Calum’s expression turns unreadable, but his eyes are still kind and sparkling, so I don’t worry about it. “With me, there will always be breakfast.”

My dream boy, I think.

–

After a few hours of roaming London with Calum, I’ve fallen in love with the city. Despite it being a massive city, something about it all feels quaint… in a dirty, gloomy, stinky kind of way. My only request is that we go on the Eye, which he manages to get us on for free by taking a selfie with the girl at the ticket counter.

He and I also take a selfie with the view at the top. It’s our first picture together, and it might end up being the only photo of us together. I decide it’s a sweet memento to hold onto of this brief study abroad adventure. I haven’t told my moms yet that I’ve decided to take a weekend trip to London to visit a boy, but maybe someday I’ll show them this photo and they can understand why I made the choice to get on a plane to see his show.

We’re making our way to the venue now, the O2. He’s trying to be chill about it, but I can tell Calum is both stoked and incredibly nervous. I think it’s their first time headlining, but I’m not completely sure, and Cal seems too out of it to answer if I did ask. We’re on a train — I have no idea how he managed to convince Matt that he can take a train to the venue without a security guard, but again, not going to ask. He’s drumming his hands on his thighs in a pattern nervously, looking straight ahead of him at the blurry view outside the window.

I grab his left hand in both of mine, steadying it. He stops his tapping and whispers a quiet ‘sorry’ to me. In response, I just squeeze his hand tightly.

When I look away from his face, I face forward at the blurry view too. The train stops at a station, and I look down at the people sitting in front of me, which I quickly regret. A girl is sitting directly across from us wearing a 5 Seconds of Summer t-shirt and wide, shocked eyes while she stares at us.

My eyes mirror hers then, wide and nervous. I let go of Calum’s hand quickly and stand up, moving to his other side and holding onto a metal pole instead of holding his hand. Calum looks startled when he stares up at me.

“Are you okay?” He asks, his forehead wrinkling with concern.

I nod, clearing my throat. “Yeah, yeah, fine. Just…” I sigh, trailing off. “There’s a fan, across from you,” I whisper to him as quietly as I can. I feel incredibly self-conscious now, and I don’t want Calum to be so clearly seen with me. I know he’s said — a few times now — that he doesn’t mind being seen with me, but I don’t know how true that can really be. Female fan bases are incredibly powerful and a wonderful thing, but they’re not exactly known for being welcoming or kind to the women seen with their favorite men.

His eyes flit to behind me, up to me, and back behind me. He looks back up at me again. “Just a sec.”

Calum then stands up, walking the handful of steps over to the fan. I don’t watch, but I’m sure she’s peeing her pants. “Hi, I’m Calum,” I hear him say.

I think he sits down next to her, but I’m too scared to look.

“I know,” she squeaks out.

“Do you want to take a picture?”

“If you don’t mind, I don’t want to bother you.”

“Nah, of course you’re not bothering me,” he says in his normal kind voice. “Here, want me to take it?”

They’re quiet for a moment, taking their pictures, I’m guessing.

The intercom then announces that we’ve gotten to our destination. I turn around then, both Calum and his fan standing up as well. Calum grins at me and holds out his hand for me to take. Instead of taking it, I clasp mine together and just start walking off the train. I just try to avoid the gaze of the fan and walk quickly, following the signs for the exit.

When I make it to the street, I turn around, finding Calum struggling to catch up to me. He looks confused.

“What was that?” He asks. He’s laughing slightly, but his eyebrow is still quirked.

“Sorry, I just…” I don’t know how to finish my sentence. I feel my forehead wrinkle with anxiety. I don’t know how to explain it to him.

His eyes soften and his expression returns to a slightly more neutral one. I think he’s willing to drop it, so I take my chance and run with it.

“Which way are we going? I don’t want you to be late.”

Calum nods, pulling his phone out to check the directions. “This way,” he says, and we start walking.

As we walk, I look around at the crowd around us. There is a sea of people wearing flannels, black clothes, and 5 Seconds of Summer merch. They all seem too busy with whatever they’re doing, and I don’t see any eyes on Calum, so I take advantage of our chance to camouflage him. I take my hat off and stop, stand in front of him, and put my hat on his head. I grab his sunglasses from where he has them hanging on his shirt and hold them in front of his face.

He chuckles, putting on the glasses.

“No one will ever know it’s you. You’re unrecognizable.”

“Am I allowed to hold your hand in incognito mode?”

I’ve let him hold my hand all day, and he’s kissed me in public, so I don’t know that I should really be so weird about it now. It’s just the eyes boring into me at such a close proximity. I feel watched and judged, and I haven’t even done anything wrong.

“Maybe another time,” I say quietly. I feel guilty. I want him to hold my hand, but I don’t want an army of haters to follow me around for holding a guy’s hand for a few minutes.

We walk in silence, and I’m acutely aware to the presence of Calum’s hand on the small of my back while he guides me to the unmarked side of the building where I assume Matt said to meet him. We pass a handful of security guards, which Calum takes off his sunglasses for so they can see his face. They all just nod as we walk by.

As soon as we’re out of the view of the crowds of fans, I grab Calum’s hand again.

“It just feels very… smothering,” I say while we walk. “To have all of those eyes on me for just existing in your presence.”

“I’m sorry,” Calum says. “You don’t have to do anything you want to do, and that applies to far more than just holding hands.”

I squeeze his hand gently. “I know. I just don’t want you to get any negative backlash for holding some random girl’s hand.”

Calum squeezes my hand back. “I think I can handle it.” He gives me a jokingly cocky smile.

We walk into the back door of the arena, which, as we walked around it, is absolutely massive. So many people will be here tonight, and I get to be backstage? It’s somewhat unbelievable.

As soon as we’re inside, I can hear the hoots and hollers of the rest of Calum’s band. I got to meet them for a bit back in Madrid. They’re all very nice, but very loud and rowdy. Which, to be fair, makes sense considering they’re all roughly 20 years old and famous and somewhat rich. They can kind of do whatever they want.

“Has anyone seen Calum?” I hear one of them ask from some distance away. I don’t know their voices well enough to know which one it was and I don’t know exactly where they are. I’m just following Calum’s lead.

“He’s with that girl, Orion, today, remember?” Another one says.

“Oh! Right,” the first one replies. “She’s—“

They stop talking as Calum and I enter the room, and I am glad I don’t get to know how that sentence is going to end. I don’t think I want to know.

“Orion!” The blonde one, Luke, calls out when he sees us. “You made it!”

I smile at him and he’s running over to me, wrapping me into a tight hug. “Hi, nice to see you again.” I’m still tethered to Calum with my hand in his. I’d let his hand go but he’s got a tight grip on mine.

“Pssh, no need to sound so formal,” Luke says, letting me go.

“It is nice to see you again!” I argue.

Michael and Ashton also come over to give me hugs.

“Did you guys have fun today? Cal told us all about his plans,” Ashton says, looking back and forth between Calum and me.

I nod, smiling up at Cal. “Yeah, it was great.”

“It’s a miracle you guys are back on time. Calum is known for getting lost,” Michael tells me and laughs while Calum turns slightly pink.

Luke throws an arm around Calum’s neck, yanking him towards him. “Y’know how people have ‘Find My iPhone’? We need ‘Find My Calum.’”

“Well, if he’s with me I promise to get him where he needs to be on time.”

“I knew I liked you,” Matt dryly says from across the room. It’s probably the nicest thing the man has ever said because all of the guys look awestruck from the comment.

“C’mon, let’s sit down. We’ve got some time before soundcheck.” Calum pulls me toward the black sectional in the corner of the room. He flops onto it, kicking his feet up on the coffee table littered with empty beer bottles, Red Bull cans, solo cups, and a half empty bottle of vodka.

I don’t flop onto the couch, but I do sit next to him, letting him wrap an arm around me so I’m pressed into his side. It’s nice to be this close to him.

“Do you guys want a drink? We’ve got beer here but there’s other stuff they can grab for us if you want it.” Ashton calls out to us while bending over a cooler.

“I’ll do a beer!” I yell over to him and he nods, reaching into the cooler.

“Same, thanks, Ash!”

Luke jumps over the back of the couch to join us, but he’s so lanky that he ends up knocking over some of the bottles and cups on the table with the flailing of his limbs flying through the area. What looks like mystery liquid pools on the floor, some combination of beer, vodka, Red Bull, and some mysterious blue liquid.

“Seriously, Luke?!” Ashton yells. He’s laughing, holding three bottles of Stella Artois in his hands. He gives two to Calum, who hands one to me.

“This is what happens when you let me take four shots of vodka and shotgun a Red Bull at 2 in the afternoon!”

Jesus, I think. I know they’re used to partying and Luke isn’t exactly a small person, but still. Luke is off the couch again, walking around the room. He returns with a large handful of paper towels to clean up his mess. While Luke mops up the traces of beer and Red Bull from the table and the floor, Michael and Ashton join us on the couch, still snickering about Luke’s clumsiness.

I set my beer on the table and decide to help prevent anything else of the sort from happening again, so I start stacking up the solo cups and grab as many cans and bottles as I can hold. I meet Luke at the trash can to drop them in after his soaked paper towels, and he gives me a puzzled look.

“What are you doing?” Luke asks with a chuckle.

“I just thought it would prevent future spills,” I defend myself, going back to the couch to collect the rest, but Calum followed my lead and grabbed what was left.

“It wasn’t your mess to clean, but thank you,” Luke says and he gives me a bright, genuine smile.

When we sit back on the couch, Luke manages to put his feet up on the coffee table without spilling things, and we can all relax for a minute. Calum’s arm is back around me, and I take a few sips from my beer. All of the boys, aside from Cal, are tapping around on their phones. I try to decide if I want to talk to them or just whisper to Calum, which sounds kind of awkward, so I clear my throat.

“What did you guys do today?” I ask.

They all look up at their phones and at each other, surprise written on their faces.

“Not much, really,” Ash says, shrugging. “Got lunch at a place near where we used to live, reliving the glory days.”

“You guys used to live here?” They’re from Australia and they’ve toured a lot in the last few years. When did they live in London? Calum hadn’t mentioned it at all.

“Yeah, not for too long. Before the One Direction era.” Ashton smiles, amused by my surprised expression.

They had to have been babies then but still moved all the way to London for their careers. I can’t imagine my family being OK with shipping me across the world at that age, but I guess it must just be a testament to just how special and talented the four of them are. They were born for this life. Their parents must have known it.

“Anywhere else you’ve lived besides Australia, London, and LA?” I ask. I direct the question at Calum, even though he’s not the one saying anything.

“Cal almost moved to Brazil,” Ashton answers, making Calum shoot him a glare.

I raise my eyebrows. “Brazil?”

Calum flushes pink and avoids my gaze. “Yeah, but it didn’t happen.”

“Well, we moved to London because he didn’t move to Brazil, basically,” Ashton clarifies.

“What the hell was in Brazil?” I ask through slight laughter.

“Football,” Calum replies, the moniker supposedly enough information to explain the whole thing.

“Man, you really don’t know anything about us, do you?” Michael asks. He looks incredibly amused and he’s giggling after his question.

“Oi, Mike, be nice,” Ashton scolds while whacking Michael’s head softly.

“Soccer was in Brazil?” I ask Calum, trying to understand the bigger picture.

“Yeah, I went for some training,” he says. “Was supposed to go back, but decided I’d rather be in a band with these losers instead of playing footy.”

I look around the room at the rest of them, trying to see if any of them care to clarify. He was going to move to Brazil for soccer… like, to play professionally? I go to ask another question, but then a loud group of people walk in, demanding all of our attention.

They all look vaguely familiar, probably because I’ve seen pictures of at least a few of them on Calum’s Instagram. Cal’s bandmates all stand up and greet the crowd, embracing them, making a lot of noise, but Calum stays seated right next to me.

“Do you need to go say hi to them?” I ask. When I look at him, I find he’s staring at me.

“No, I was with most of them last night,” he shrugs.

I nod, glancing quickly back over at the people. The other three boys are totally swallowed by the mass of their friends. I look back to Cal and he’s inched his face closer to mine.

“I was supposed to go pro,” he says quietly. “With soccer, I mean. My parents were pissed when I told them I wanted to do this instead.”

“I’m sure they’re happy with the decision now.”

He grins, leaning a few inches forward so he can kiss me. It’s swift and short, but it’s still as sweet as can be. “Are you always like this?”

I furrow my brow. “Like what?”

“Always making the person you’re talking to feel like the most important person in the room.”

Then it’s my turn to blush. My cheeks get hot and I look away from Calum nervously. I try to always include people and ask questions, but I know sometimes it doesn’t come off well and it seems like I’m being annoying. It’s a relief that Calum thinks positively of my conversational habits.

“I like learning about you,” I confess. “And the rest of them. You’re all fun.”

Calum nods and then kisses me again. “Learning about you might just be my new favorite thing.”

My heart soars and I have to look away. If I look into his eyes, I’ll be a goner. I’ll be totally obsessed with this guy. He’s saying and doing all of the right things to get me to like him, and I have to protect myself. This is just temporary, while they’re touring Europe.

“Who are all those people?” I ask him, looking down at my lap.

He sighs. “It’s a mix of some of our music friends from LA, a few people we knew when we lived here, uh… oh, Mike’s girlfriend, Crystal. She’s the one with purple hair. There’s a girl Luke’s dating here, too.” Calum leans closer, so his mouth is by my ear. “But none of us like her,” he whispers.

I laugh slightly, but since I don’t know the girl I don’t want to base my opinions on just what Calum has said. “Which one is she?”

Cal laughs somewhat bitterly. “Don’t worry, you’ll know.”

I look over at the group of people and try to find Crystal and this other girl. Crystal I spot easily since, like Calum had mentioned, she has purple hair. She’s tall and pretty, with a sweet smile and light eyes, talking to Michael and another couple of guys. One I recognize as one of the members of the opening act. Then I look to Luke and find a tall girl with dark hair draped over him while he talks to a few of the other people. Got it. That’s the one that’s dating him. She’s not looking at any of the people huddled with, just clinging to Luke and standing there.

When I look back to Crystal to try to get a better look at her, she’s looking at me. Michael is saying something to her, and when she notices me looking her way, she smiles and waves. I smile and wave back awkwardly. Crystal then turns to Michael, puts a hand on his arm, and says something to him quickly before she walks over to the couch, sitting a few feet away from Cal and me and still smiling.

“Hi! I’m Crystal,” she says.

“Oh, hi! I’m Orion.”

Crystal smiles. “Oh, I know. This one won’t stop blabbing on about you and that club. What was it called again?” She directs the question to Calum, who looks embarrassed by her comment.

“Space Monkey,” I say for him. “My roommate’s girlfriend is a bartender there.”

She nods. “Such a weird name. Sorry, I would’ve said hi at the Madrid show, but wasn’t sure if it would have been overwhelming.”

I look to Calum, who hadn’t mentioned that there were other guests at the Madrid show. We only hung out with the band itself and my roommates. After the show, Calum and I went back to his hotel and my roommates went out with the band. None of them really remembered much the next morning, but they did say they had a fun time.

Crystal seems to know what I’m thinking and explains everything for Calum. “We hung out in the VIP viewing area that night, and when we went out after, I did get to meet your roommates. They were all so sweet, but we were all pretty wasted, so not sure if they remember it.”

“Sorry, I should’ve mentioned you could hang in the VIP section,” Calum apologizes. “I figured you’d prefer the pit.”

I laugh nervously. “Yeah, I do prefer the pit, but just feel bad if we kept you guys out of the backstage area that evening.”

Crystal shakes her head. “No, you were totally fine! We just went out for dinner before the show.”

I just nod. I didn’t realize they all had such a large entourage.

“I’m glad we get to meet you this time,” Crystal adds, still smiling very kindly at me. “Is this your first time to London?”

Calum has his arm around me and is lightly tracing shapes into my side and I’m at ease with his presence. Crystal isn’t scary or anything, but she seems eons cooler than I’ll ever be and she’s far prettier than I am. She also just seems to have it all together. I’m trying to make a good first impression.

“It is,” I answer. “I love it. Yours?”

She shakes her head. “No, I’ve been a few times, but I love it too. Anyway, I didn’t mean to interrupt you guys, just wanted to pop over and say hi. Come find me during soundcheck if you want someone to hang out with.”

I smile at her graciously. “Thank you, I probably will.”

Crystal gets up then and walks back over to Michael, who greets her by wrapping an arm around her waist while they pick up their conversation with their friends. The whole lot of them seem to mesh together like they’ve spent a lot of time with each other. It’s just crazy because there are so many of them.

“Wait, doesn’t your sister live in London?” I ask suddenly, realizing Calum’s sister doesn’t seem to be in the crowd. I look back at him and he giggles.

“She does, but she’s in LA right now.”

I sigh with relief. Meeting all these random people is a lot, but meeting Calum’s sister would be even more intense. She’s family. She’s not someone you introduce to a girl you met at a nightclub a few days prior that you hooked up with and invited to another show.

“What’s she like?” I ask. Calum smiles at the question, a light appearing in his brown eyes.

“She’s amazing. An incredible songwriter and singer. She’s kind, and she’s like a big sister to all of us, really. She’s my best friend. I’d do anything for her.”

“What’s her name?”

“Mali-Koa, but we just call her Mali.”

I look down at his arm, the name familiar because of the tattoo there. I trace the outline of the bird. “Like your tattoo.”

He nods. “Yes, like my tattoo,” he says. “Do you have siblings?”

I grin, instantly seizing my chance to show him pictures of my brother and getting my phone out. “I have a little brother. He’s four. His name is Eridanus, but we just call him Eri. He’s the sweetest boy ever.”

I pass Calum my phone with the album of photos with Eri and me lighting up the screen. He scrolls through, stopping at the one where Eri smeared brownie batter on my face and we both were laughing uncontrollably.

“You guys are cute,” Cal comments, handing my phone back.

“Boys, stage in 5!” Matt appears out of nowhere and disrupts the entire room’s conversations.

There’s a collective groan and Calum downs most of his beer quickly before he kisses my cheek, saying he’s gotta use the bathroom and will see me after soundcheck.

“You’ll be okay back here, right? You can also come watch, but it’s usually pretty boring. Or I can give you some cash if you want to go grab a coffee nearby or something?”

“I’ll be fine,” I tell him. He gives me a grin before he runs off.

I decide to take Crystal up on her offer and make my way over to her. She lights up as I approach her, her smile widening.

“Can I hang out with you for a bit?” I ask.

“Of course,” she says. “Here, I’ll introduce you to everyone.”

Crystal guides me through the group like I’m a show pony. I try to remember everyone’s names but it’s a total lost cause. Everyone is pretty nice, but some are more interested in meeting me than others. I don’t blame them — I’m sure there’s a fairly consistent rotation of people coming through this group in my shoes. It might not be worth trying to really connect with girls like me.

After I’ve met everyone, she shows me where the bathroom is and where I can get food if I’m hungry. Then, we head to the side of the stage so we can watch soundcheck. She takes me to Calum’s side of the stage instead of Michael’s, saying she sees it almost every night, so missing it this once isn’t that big of a deal. He looks surprised, but pleasantly, when he notices us, waving at me. I give him a thumbs up.

The soundcheck lasts for about an hour, and they play a few songs that they didn’t play at the Madrid show. I’ve tried to study their discography over the past few days, but I haven’t been able to learn everything yet, so I don’t know which songs are which. When I get a glimpse of Crystal’s face while we watch, she looks so proud.

“How long have you guys been together?” I ask her as we walk back to the dressing room.

Crystal laughs. “We’ve been friends for a while, but officially together for about 6 months.”

“So you’re used to… all this? By now?”

She laughs again and shakes her head. “I don’t think it’s something you ever get used to.”

I’m opening my second bottle of beer when the boys come backstage again, Calum coming straight to me. Crystal winks at me when he approaches and ducks away to catch up with Michael. I spin around to face Calum.

“You don’t have to come straight to me, you know,” I tell him. He’s taking a few gulps of his own fresh beer.

“You’re my guest,” he defends. “I’m not just gonna leave you hanging.”

I roll my eyes. “I can fend for myself.”

Calum laughs quietly. “Trust me, I know you can.”

I raise an eyebrow at him and take a swig of my beer. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Hmm, I don’t know, maybe that you moved to a country you’ve never been to alone? You navigated two international airports alone and the transit systems? Hell, Matt likes you. That’s something.”

“It’s not that hard. You just follow signs.”

Now Calum rolls his eyes. “Let me talk you up, please.”

I bite my tongue, holding back on making a snarky comment. Instead, I do my best to smile at him somewhat sweetly. “Fine.”

He kisses me again then and when he pulls back he grabs my hand in his, pulling me away from the mass of people and out the door. Once outside, he turns us around a corner so we’re away from the bodyguards and crew. As soon as we’re out of everyone’s sight, he grabs my hips and gently pushes me against the cinder block wall with his beer bottle pressed against my side.

Calum grazes his lips against mine, hovering without making full contact. I take matters into my own hands and wrap my arms around his neck to pull him down and kiss him, but my beer bottle, slick with condensation, slips out of my hand and crashes onto the pavement, shattering.

“Shit!”

Calum falls into a fit of laughter, stepping back to assess the mess I’ve just made. “What is it with you and spilling drinks?!”

read next chapter

a/n: not that i need to justify it but flashback chapters serve as some relief for all the weight of everything going on and also i want people to LOVE orion and cal together. that's the bigger goal ofc.

[edge-oftheworld]

albums and activism part 3: blood on the drums by ashton irwin

I was debating whether to include this here and so early on, but blood on the drums seemed the best album to use to illustrate an important point: you can't do any activism if you're dead.

and this is a 5sos blog anyway sorry for nothing but white men to this point

I'm going to go through track by track and discuss how each song talks about mental health and why this is important. Figure we probably need less of an introduction to ashton, but the historical activism on his/the band's part is going to be woven into it. This is dark, even for one of my posts. There will be mentions of self harm, suicide, domestic violence, and addiction below the cut, so please stop reading if you need to; I'll post a reblog of this with the rest of the songs on this album once that section is over which you can skip to once it's up.

but if you can stomach it I’m also proud of this analysis please read it lol

Straight to your heart: this is an excellent introduction to the album to me, because it's an upbeat pop song about love, but if you listen carefully you get a glimpse into darker topics running through the whole song. The album is the same: it's fun and an excellent listen, but it also delves into some really important subject matter regarding all things mental health.

Straight to your heart's bridge, barely 2 minutes into the 'thorns' side of blood on the drums, is where we start to hear 'you kill my loneliness' followed by 'if I'm not with you I'm better off dead'. This prompts a new hearing of the chorus, and what is meant by 'you'll be my hero here in the dark, saving my mind from ticking'. What exactly does the protagonist need a hero to save him from? He's talking about death 2 minutes into the album. And we'll touch on this later but first, I want to draw a parallel between this and 5sos in general. A pop/rock band who write generally upbeat songs with excellent instrumentation and vocals and lyrics that are sadder the more you listen to them (it's no surprise that this is the genre of song Ashton has gotten good at writing). I think that we forget that it hasn't always been normal, but they've been pioneers at starting discussions about mental health in the mainstream music sphere for almost a decade now; especially Ashton and Michael in the early days. They've been honest and vulnerable, sharing their own experiences with things not everyone understands or has compassion about, with the world, for the sake of us fans.

I think it's time we talked about how we can make sure we're being compassionate towards them as well, as well as towards ourselves and each other.

Break up: I do this weirdly morbid thing with this groovy banger where yes, it's a song about cheating, an imaginary scenario for a lot of us and something we've been hurt by for a lot of us too. But it can also be listened to as a story illustrating an important (and terrible) intersection of men's and women's mental health (in a heteronormative society, though neither position is unique to men or unique to women, there is just unfortunately one type of scenario that dominates statistically, and that is men's violence against women (but also against trans, genderqueer and other marginalised groups)). 'In my imagination, the heaven I'm building, you two come together but you don't leave here with him' aside from jealousy, what's another reason you might really want someone you care about to break up (right now) with their significant other and be with you instead?

Here, the concept of a lover being a hero and a lifeline is reversed. The love interest is empowered with the autonomy to decide when to break up with their current lover, while the protagonist tells them what they want as well; but also empowers them with the corrective experience that being in love can be fun. They don't have to feel small and worthless. The protagonist finds hope in the fact that 'you say I'm not like him'. Maybe they're just horny but maybe it's that abuse takes many forms, but has a common impact on the self esteem of the party being abused. Here, the cheating can be read as a way to take that back, a way to feel empowered again to make the difficult decision to 'break up... be with [the protagonist] now' where they might otherwise feel trapped.

I definitely don't think this is the intent of the song--but I also love the idea that when deciding who to blame or even demonise, things aren't always what they seem.

Blood on the drums: the whole concept behind this, getting blood on your instrument (drums) because you’re giving it your all, is brutal and evokes a certain kind of dark imagery in of itself. It reminds me of the old ‘play me til your fingers bleed’ (you ruin me, the veronicas, referring to guitar), a self-destructive kind of passion, which calls back to the concept of ‘working your fingers down to the bone’ as an image of striving and often exploitation. Blood on the drums (song) tells of feeling trapped and waking up and realising the worst of it was a dream but living with the memory of your own subconscious torment still. It speaks of the insecurity of uncertainty when there’s a lot on the line because you’ve invested everything in this endeavour (will I stand or will I fall; will I ever learn to fly, will I make it out alive?) surrounded by the disbelief of others who insinuate that success is impossible.

But hard work does pay off, sometimes, and that can be said of creating art, of activism, of recovery. Sometimes the blood on the drums is necessary, the blood, sweat and tears you put into something are worth it in the long run, a sacrifice that’s more of a multiplying investment. And for those of us who have the ‘bad dream’ of a trauma background to recover from and brains we have to work to work with, survival doesn’t come naturally, I hope you do give it your all. I hope you do learn to understand the difference between the blood from a life-saving surgery and the blood from another injury that’s unnecessary suffering. I hope you learn to channel your urges towards the latter towards the former. Both in yourself and in society. Sometimes blood on the drums means triumph. This is also an album of triumph.

I did briefly want to touch on the concept of guardrailing and the dignity of risk as alluded to in the second verse. I’ll let you research these terms on your own, but I hope you know that you have the right to autonomy to decide what risks to take and you have the right to work yourself as hard as you choose to (but no one has the right to force you to. sometimes it’s satisfying and ends up being the road of least harm to push yourself. Learn to identify that. Learn to just not listen to the haters. And to have boundaries and where oppression can’t be escaped, find ways to take autonomy over yourself as much as possible in ways that are, in the long run, healing—even if they don’t look like it in the moment or to the outsider. If you’ve been anywhere in this fandom the last 5 years or so, you’ve heard about the value of trusting your own intuition). Let this tune convince you you can have the thrilling and worthwhile life you dream of.

anyway did I mention I really love this song? and album?

I see the angels: I think this is a song about religion and finding the holy in the mundane, including and especially yourself. it plays off Christian themes such as glory following suffering (ie I’ve learned to fly with both hands tied). do you see an angel in yourself after all you’ve been through?

‘I don’t see the light but I see the angels’ implies that the protagonist hasn’t found the light of enlightenment and salvation that Makes Everything All Better people like to stereotype. It’s not all fixed. Everything isn’t all better. There’s no ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ but there are angels all the way there. And the song nuts out a bunch of the trials along the way. Trials we go through surrounded by angels if we look for them. Angels that might just be within us; we might be the angels that we need for ourselves first and foremost, but also for each other. It’s a beautiful song of resilience through really dark times. It pairs perfectly with blood on the drums (song). It’s worth it do go through hard things. If you love it let it kill you.

(And it means it’s really sweet how ashton called luke ‘a real life angel’ for his birthday last year and then made a post just to tag calum as an angel in his life recently too, I get the impression it’s a really high compliment to him, and we’re really blessed to get to see this song of discovering there’s an angel in yourself and live it alongside him.) Some people don’t know how it feels. They don’t see the angels. But a few more of us do, thanks to this song.

tw suicide and self harm for the following paragraph

there was a tumblr trend from maybe 10 years ago of referring to people with self harm scars as angels. I think it came from a viral post that may or may not be around, popular enough to pop up on my pinterest feed at the time (I could probably find it in a few hours if I tried, I haven’t). the viral post from sometime in the 2010s in the peak of the ‘if you have one of these 3 mental illnesses that are the only mental illnesses that exist you’re too soft and gentle for the world and can never do any wrong’ was an explanation of the really sweet and tragic worldview of a child whose teenage relative had died of suicide (framed as going back to heaven). here’s my message to all the angels reading this. I believe heaven is real. but don’t return (yourself) to heaven before your time. there are angels all around you and we want to make your stay on earth including all the hard and painful things as liveable and enjoyable and satisfying as possible. this is what we do activism for. it’s also what we build friendships for. cherish the angels in your life past, present and future.

There’s a lot more than just 3 mental illnesses and the mental health movement of the 2010s has been criticised for only covering those that are already the least stigmatised and most common. Mental illness also doesn’t absolve you of personal responsibility and doesn’t mean you’re incapable of doing wrong. You’re still just as valuable. And when it comes to activism: some things we go through can mean we have to take more care of ourselves and that may mean being judged by others in the movement. But there’s also a chance that having had dysfunctional and destructive habits of your own, you may have better insight on how to enact change than someone for whom moral behaviour has come easy due to their privilege. Still, cherish yourself like you’re an angel. And balance it out with ‘if it doesn’t hurt it doesn’t thrill you’. Sometimes that can simply refer to trying to figure out how to behave morally.

Lose you: if you’ve heard any 5sos album you know that themes of emotional dependence on a partner and insecurity make regular appearances in their songs and have for at least a decade. Including in the upbeat pop songs such as this one, sometimes it’s not that deep but behind every ‘if I lose you I know that I might not make it back’ is a fear that feels very real at least at some point.

Contrary to the last two songs, we get lines like ‘done chasing’ and ‘why risk it’, ‘pressing on the brakes’ to prevent impulse decisions that turn out to be mistakes. Knowing your heart can break. Asking, ‘am I in my right mind’ rather than simply suffering and calling it normal. Self preservation is actually another part of the picture. Realising we rely on others is too, even among the hard work and prioritising looking out for ourselves. This is the song that highlights the fact that you can’t do activism or be there for anyone if you’re dead. The song that gets you thinking about how to go upstream and choose a bit of self preservation sometimes, long enough to realise that no, you’ve not been in your right mind for a long time now and you’ve been acting as if your heart can’t ever break. You know it can now. And you can sing a happy sounding pop song about it!

Rebel at heart: now we move onto the self acceptance middle section of the album. I feel like this one continues a lot of the themes of I see the angels: how you see yourself, and sustain yourself through times of suffering, recovering your identity almost. Except what's interesting to me is the different connotations of the concept of being an 'angel' vs a 'rebel' and how they're both referring to who you are inside, and in a lot of ways to the exact same thing in this context. Pop angels and punk rebels perhaps? This is a duality that 5sos as a band very much straddles. But who says that these things are actually so different? Angels are associated with sensitivity, but can often be associated with divine justice too. Rebels are shunned by the structure of society but carry with them a certain association with street cred, sympathy for the oppressed, and leadership in standing up against injustice. Surely that hints towards a sensitivity to injustice and to the idea of being stifled? It's a more masculine trope, sure, but Ashton has explored masculinity and sensitivity before in songs like Scar and it's interesting to see the two intersect possibly more than we realise, when we take off the goggles of false dichotomies that really only have to do with the relation to authority.

I've talked before about how I appreciate this band when it comes to accepting myself and this rare and stigmatised neurodivergence I have that centres around easily feeling trapped and needing a lot more freedom to feel like myself than most people. Rebel at heart really captures this for me, and the realities of an unaccommodating world: burnout, escapism, destroying myself trying to play pretend (because I'm not actually capable of sustaining it). And in the end, when you feel the boot upon your chest (any kind of oppression, suffering, even the kind created by our own brains) there's something you should never forget.

Don't you see who you are? Coming out of the dark? You're a rebel at heart. Gonna blow them away. When you're feeling the pain. You're a rebel at heart. It's motivational and it also captures the disability that is the pda profile. That's just one of many applications of this song. It can apply to the mental illnesses we've discussed already. Maybe the 'angel' trope doesn't really work. Maybe the 'rebel at heart' trope works better. Maybe it is empowering in that it gives you the framework on how to live a life that's authentically you and it might not fix everything but it's easier to survive it when you've taken off the weight of other people's expectations on top of everything else. You don't just have the options to go back to heaven or to suffer in a world not made for you, even though yes, the world isn't made for you. Because you're a rebel at heart.

Oh, and it makes it almost expected of you to do some kind of activism when you're a rebel doesn't it? Luckily we've also now got a bit of a blueprint to be able to survive it, sensitivity and all. I can't stress enough the importance of this song.

Last night of my life: we're thinking about death again, but not in a hopeless way. Tomorrow's not guaranteed. We've seen people live and die. So let's acknowledge the fact that these people have hurt me and not pretend to still like them. Am I satisfied with my life; if it were a project I got to rest after, if it was the only thing I did til then, would I be happy? Only if I confess to you all the rain left in my chest. I have a story to tell. It involves not pretending that there isn't rain for one. And when I think like this, for once I don't wanna skip to the end.

It seems self-explanatory, a bit existential, but when you take it in the context of the thorns, of a life filled with suffering, it's actually a beautiful and hopeful piece that says, satisfaction is possible for you. Don't waste your life pretending to be okay, not accepting yourself and how you feel, you've got your whole life, and it's gonna be good if you make it your own. It's the rationale behind all the storytelling. You could extend this to activism too: if the rain left in your chest is filled with compassion for those who need it, yourself included, it's gonna hurt you more to keep it in. And do we need to plan out how we do all this? Absolutely. But don't wait. Don't put it off. Be a rebel and give it your all and cherish yourself for the angel that you are now. If lose you is about not letting impulse decisions become regrets, lnoml is about not letting inaction and waiting to be yourself and live your life become regret either. I love how these songs are spliced together.

Indestructible: The final song of the thorns, with a riff that takes us back to the introduction of straight to your heart? How perfect. It's almost its opposite: a dark song with hope and empowerment, as opposed to a hopeful song with some morbid references. Your mind is in the gutter, there's no heaven above--let's not understate the picture that the verses create just because the chorus is victorious. It paints a picture and says, you can get through this. Heads are gonna roll: when it feels like you're surrounded by enemies you're going to beat them. You're indestructible. While we're talking about mental health and the things we struggle with this song injects validation and empowerment and an amazing beat to get those chemicals popping in our heads. You know you're a rebel at heart now. Don't you run, run, run, run run away, get out of the darkness and into the day. Master the mantra, before it's too late.

I love how universal this encouragement is. The more we hear the song, the more we can read into it. Relate it to our own experiences. I could go on. Onto the interpretations of the tip of the knife giving you life every night and just how much background and legitimacy it gives this song as a motivator and shield in battle. But it's dark and it's hopeful and that's not easy to create.

The Canyon: Now that you've been hyped up and you can take it, onto the main song about men's mental health. It’s really relevant, right now especially. We’ve got so far to go on this one and it breaks my heart. Because of the people we’ve seen suffer. Because of the people we’ve lost. Because of the people who maybe would’ve learned to be better people and not hurt others if they had the help they needed. If they had their (emotional) needs met which apparently is something people still don’t think men have. This song is fairly self explanatory. You can see the fire on the mountain (ambition or whatever, everything we/men are told to want or do want, are chasing etc), many men are victim to the canyon.

just like ashton, I grew up just downstream of the blue mountains. they’re a famous national park just out of Sydney and one of my favourite places to visit. Something the mountain range is famous for is its canyons. To explain it simply on a geographical level, imagine you make a cone (hehe see you in the cone lol) out of wavy paper. Think corrugated cardboard but worse. As you climb the mountain there are ridges where you can travel easily upwards. Between these ridges, the heavy mountain rains have carved out really deep trenches starting at the top of the mountain and descending really steeply. They’re not like the Grand Canyon. They’re dark with rock walls on either side of you that go upwards for days and block out all but a sliver of the sun. They’re cold and they’re filled with water and you don’t ever go in them if it’s raining, because you might actually drown. They often have waterfalls in them that are 30+ metres in height. It’s impossible to climb up inside the canyon, you need to be on the ridges for that (but they’re fun on the way down if you have a wetsuit and good ropes to abseil the waterfalls, but that’s not what this song is about). Many men try to climb the mountain to get to the fire. For whatever reason they end up in the canyon where it’s impossible to climb out unless you go downstream first. Whether because they have no one to teach them how to find a ridge, or they slip, it doesn’t matter. Many men are victims to the canyon. Too many. And I don’t see nobody taking action.

and I know. It’s not just men. Women suffer a lot of mental illness and sexism and the emotional labour we’re meant to do play a big role in that. Trans and genderqueer folk have alarming statistics because of a discriminatory world and being a marginalised experience, along with other factors like high correlation with neurodivergence. These are all conversations we need to have.

but the thing about mens mental health is that more often than not, it’s not a matter of being discriminated against and being vulnerable to exploitation. For some it is. For others it’s expectation that’s too big for reality and no one saying that your worth isn’t in your achievement. Your appearance. Not being allowed to talk about or even feel emotions in a way that’s gender affirming. Especially for Black men, there’s people being scared of you and having to grow up too fast, mask your true self because of it. I also want to tentatively suggest that (and often for good reason too, stay safe people) men having a breakdown are more likely to be seen as dangerous and potentially abusive than someone who’s overwhelmed, hurting, needs help but probably doesn’t know how to let anyone help them. And autistic meltdowns can be terrifying coming from a grown man, so can manic episodes, bpd episodes, psychosis. No one has the obligation to stick around where they could potentially get hurt, but at the same time, there are often no alternative resources given to be able to create a place of safety to be able to unpack the emotions and the neurobiology behind such an event. It’s just having to promise to control yourself even if you’re not sure if you can, until you inevitably snap and someone does get hurt, and then there’s punitive justice, on top of the guilt. Not all the time, but sometimes all of this could be prevented by normalising self awareness, especially if you have a condition that means you’re more likely to express violence or a need for control either towards others or yourself. We’re doing better at normalising getting help. We need to do better at destigmatising getting help and learning to repent and forgive yourself when someone already has been hurt, lest it becomes a vicious cycle of believing who you are is only someone who can hurt others or hurt yourself. You’re never too far gone. Getting better is always possible. Yes, even for men.

It’s just a different set of overlapping factors wherever you are on the gender spectrum and with a bunch of cultural factors thrown in. The canyon talks about men, still the overwhelming majority of suicides despite having a lower diagnosis rate for most mental health conditions (implying that men are far less likely to receive appropriate help). Ashton is a man so that is his experience. He wants to talk about that. The suicidal ideation, how it’s pushed aside until it seems almost inevitable gonna die boy. getting harder to deny boy. Longing for external help from someone with a little more emotional awareness who’s able to lend you some safety to sit in that feeling. How hard it is to face the day and face life when the wave of sadness feels constant, like the torrential stream of water when you sit underneath the waterfall at the base of Empress Canyon (which, over time, erodes the rock to create a pool metres and metres deep. I don’t know if he ever thought of this metaphor but I thought it was cool). How more often than not, your emotionally unavailable dad was emotionally unavailable (and scarred you as a result) because he was experiencing the same thing. struggling. How can you process when the exact thing that made life still so difficult for you was the fact that someone you relied on was in the exact same position you are now? Doesn’t that make you feel helpless?

I don’t see nobody taking action.

California Holds Her Breath: I heard snippets of this one before I heard the whole song, and as a result, I can’t unsee in it the same compassion and pride and admiration which ashton looks at his bandmates with. And hopefully himself a little too. I don’t know who the dancer from Indiana is, but I do know of a four-piece band from Australia who came to California and went through some really amazing things but also some really hard things, who have talked about battling things like addiction and who we’ve seen worry for each other too. Who left the stability and support of a home country which they didn’t quite belong in, that didn’t give them the opportunity to chase after what they wanted at the time, for homesickness and the kind of danger that comes with experiences and substances that are only going to make things worse if you’re already unwell or have some vulnerability to addiction or a trauma background or you just feel alone or one of many other things. From the sounds good feels good era of bathroom-graffiti-like angsty confessions to the makeup and tears of the youngblood era to the surrounded-but-alone vibe of 5sos5.

I didn’t address the alcoholism references in rebel at heart. But I feel like this is the other side of you’re blacking out with alcohol don’t drown yourself again, this world just don’t feel right for you and you don’t play pretend. you’re just another falling star you’re burning out again. It’s deciding to be the rebel you are and to create but it’s hard and you’re bleeding and you’re still blacking out with alcohol after crying underneath your makeup and bathroom graffiti confessions. It’s the same melancholic longing and loneliness we’ve gotten as a vibe from this band forever. that over the years has taken some dark turns and we were holding our breath when it did because stardom is so fucking dangerous especially if you get into it because you felt like you were missing something to begin with. It’s they cursed/gifted you with emotion and creativity and so you came to california. will you make it once you’re there? california holds her breath.

(reblog coming with the rest of the songs)

[leviethinsaint]

Rp partners needed!!!

Hello my name is leviethin, or Levie for short. I am 21 and I use they/ he pronouns. I have been role playing for around eight years. I have a hard time finding partners, who have the same styles I do.

I write either first or third person, mostly whatever my partner is comfortable with. I write novella style. I’ve been known to go over the discord limit with my responses. I write mostly mlm but I can also do wlm and nblm or nblw though I’m the most experienced in the hood old gay stuff.

I don’t have many limits aside from bathroom play, pedo and anything to do with animals. Pretty much everything else is on the table. Though I prefer darker plots. I can throw in fluff here and there. But I prefer not to do only fluff based plots. Some of my favorite plots are yandre, kidnapping, enemies to lovers, mafia, assassins, killer and victim, single parent. (There are darker plots but I’ll keep those for potential rp partners)

I role play various fandoms and also do oc stuff. I just recently got into both kpop and anime, so that is my main focus right now. But I also do band work like 5sos, one direction etc. I’m open to video games as well. I really like genshin impact, fnaf and final fantasy. I do movie and show based plots too like twilight, stranger things, the last of us. I’ll pretty much write anything as long as you give me time to research!!

I write as both dom and sun characters, I usually prefer to switch. If doing doubles though I can play whatever role you’d like, as long as you’d do the same with mine. I am perfectly okay with smut. Though I will only write with 18+ people, seeing as I’m 21 and that would just be gross. I am kink friendly and don’t mind if a plot is mostly sexual. Though I prefer all plots to have a little smut, makes the writing better in my opinion.

I love fully Immersing myself in the rp. So I will make playlists and Pinterest boards. I would also really like to also be friends outside of the rp too!! If any of this sounds interesting please feel free to message me. I can give you my discord link there or like this and I will message you. I hope to hear from you soon, so we can get to work making some beautiful writing!!!

[adashofniallandasprinkleoflunacy]

an AU where the reader played drums for Harry during the first half of Love on Tour in 2021 and they ended up in a secret relationship but things went south after that leg of tour finished bc she wanted to pursue music on her own, while he has his own busy schedule to attend to, so they called it quits to avoid future complications.

Her solo career starts taking off and everything’s going well— she has performances coming up, an album that just dropped, interviews waiting— and she’s managed to keep their past relationship under wraps like they agreed they would, but things take a turn when Harry releases hs3 with songs she can tell are about her. She shrugs most of it off, but what tips the scale is that he ends up releasing a deluxe version with Baby Honey and Complicated Freak as bonus tracks (in this AU, he wrote them about her after they broke up instead of in 2017) and the trivial punches aimed at her in the songs are what make her act on her emotions.

She knows how petty he can be, which is one of their shared traits that would sometimes cause a clash when they were together, so in turn, she releases one of the songs she wrote about him as a single (which she had planned to keep private, but he threw the first punch so fair is fair) and basically the song is the female version of 5sos’s English Love Affair. And in the lyrics, there’s obvious digs that confirm they had a relationship together, so everything’s out in the open now.

Felt somebody looking at me

Playful condescension

Feeling the connection

///

Before I knew it, it was serious

Dragged me off the stage

Cold rings burned and left a trace

//

Drinking wine, forgetting our names

Honey’s getting naked

“Love how good you take it.”

///

Every single step had me begging for the next

Before I knew it, it was serious

Dragged me up the stairs, kissed me hard and made me swear

Aside from the revealing title, the lyrics about being on stage, his signature rings, and the line about making her swear to keep their relationship a secret being pretty telling to the public, the references she makes to some of the songs in his new album (the wine lyric related to Grapejuice, calling him “honey” as a nod to Baby Honey) just about confirms all the speculation that could rise up. This also causes her album to be analyzed from a completely new perspective, and listeners obviously begin digging through her music to find more connections between her and Harry, which only inflames the situation.

As a result, Harry ends up reaching out to her over the phone in a fit of disbelieving anger, which she obviously responds to with the same attitude since he was the one that started it all.

“How can you accuse me of making you swear to keep us a secret when you wanted our relationship to stay behind the scenes just as much as I did?!”

“You’re right, I did. But you’re conveniently leaving out the differences in our motives. I wanted us to be a secret so it wouldn’t cause any problems in our relationship and wouldn’t fall back on our friends and family. You wanted to keep us a secret so it wouldn’t interfere with your career. See the difference?”

“That’s bullshit and you know it.”

“Is it? Because here you are, airing out our entire lives for a fucking Grammy.”

“Are you fucking serious? I don’t write music for the awards or the money and you know that! I write it for myself!”

“Yeah, because making childish comments about my post-breakup dating life must be so healing for you.”

After that unsuccessful (and frankly, pretty violent) phone call, their managers end up being the ones that strike up a compromise pertaining to the messy press situation at hand. They order both of them to get together privately and talk this out, because fighting will get them nowhere and fix nothing. After they resolve their differences, they should try to evade any questions about their relationship as much as possible in the media, and if they have no choice but to answer, they should regard each other with neutrality and respect. Y/N and Harry agree, and they settle to meet at his place in London since she’s traveling there the following week to do some promo.

The tension and feelings are running high from the second she sets foot in his house. They regard one another as calmly and cordially as they can, with Harry welcoming her in, offering her a drink, and telling her to get comfortable. However, it’s difficult for her to feel at ease in a place that holds so many heavy memories. After some awkward small talk and pained silences, she takes it upon herself to drop all formalities and steer the conversation towards what they’re both avoiding.

As they dive into all the rocky details of their relationship, both the unresolved issues and the heartfelt passionate moments neither of them can forget, things get heated once again. They’re all but yelling and screaming at one another, while also trying to hide how hurt both of them truly feel; despite whatever front they put up, they can’t deny that having to separate due to circumstance was more hurtful than either would care to admit. Both of them had dreams they wanted to fulfill, and being torn apart by those hopes caused a deep wound that neither had ever really healed from. Sacrificing love for ambition is a choice no one should ever have to make.

Y/N winds up crying, and seeing her in such a sad state drains any resentment Harry could ever possibly hold towards her. He comforts her and apologizes for the way he’s acted, both personally and within his career, and she returns the sentiment. And then in a moment of vulnerability and truceful clarity, they kiss.

They do more than kiss, actually. More than once. In different places and on various surfaces, with whispered love confessions strewn amidst dirty moans and desperate whines.

And after they’re done and they’re laying there sweaty, panting, and tangled in their emotions, there’s at least one thing they can both agree on with absolute certainty: they’re about to give their managers a run for their money all over again.

[calpalirwin]

New Beginnings

A/N: Temporarily back from the dead. Miss me? This was originally a collaboration I was co-writing with @simpracha (love you!) that is now seeing the light of day. So enjoy! Or don't.

Summary: Avery Ryan wanted three things from life— love, her career, and to feel like she wasn't ever sacrificing one for the sake of the other. But was that even possible?

Word Count: 6.5K

Part 1

The two women were hunkered down in the studio room, racing against the clock. Avery’s notes were hard to decipher between the hastily scrawled words, and pen marks scratching out idea after idea. She imagined Ajani’s notebook was in a similar state and loosed a sigh as she reached for her phone. Maybe there was a voice recording that could be of use. Avery opened the message from her mother first, though.

Have you seen this?

Curious, Avery clicked on the link her mother sent her. And immediately wished she hadn’t as the link sent her to Drew’s Instagram page and his engagement announcement. Avery felt her heart crack and then drop. Panic made her chest tighten and her ears starting buzzing.

“Ace, you got anything?” Ajani asked, not looking up from her own notebook. After a beat of silence, Ajani spoke up again. “Ace?”

Ajani’s question was met with more silence as Avery fought to remember how to breathe.

“Avery!” Ajani snapped, reaching out her foot to nudge Avery’s leg.

The kick jarred Avery back into reality. “What?!” she screeched, her phone tumbling out of her hands. Avery scrambled to catch it before it hit the ground, shooting Ajani a glare in the process. “What?” she asked again in a clipped tone.

“I asked if you had anything,” Ajani repeated, at last raising her gaze to look over at Avery. “I don’t want the guys to get here and have nothing to show them.”

“Right, yeah. The guys.” Avery gave a small shake of her head, letting out an equally small sigh. Originally, when management had first pitched the idea of Lucky Mess collaborating and co-headlining a tour with 5SOS, it had sounded like a dream come true. Only now the first meeting to begin collaboration was scheduled to take place in a manner of minutes, her and Ajani had exactly zero ideas, and Avery couldn’t tear her eyes away from her phone screen that bore the content of her literal nightmare.

Ajani frowned, shifting to sit more upright. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Avery dismissed. “Just mad I don’t have any ideas. You got anything?”

Ajani’s frown deepened at the lie. The two women had been friends and bandmates for eight years. They knew each other better than they knew themselves. Which meant Ajani could spot when Avery was lying from a mile away. “What’s really going on?”

“That fucker…” Avery muttered bitterly, tossing her notebook and phone aside, and reaching for her guitar. Maybe she could create a melody that she could put words to later once she found them. If she found them.

“Uh-oh… what did Drew do now?”  Ajani asked, knowing exactly who Avery was talking about.

“He’s engaged.” Avery felt bile rise in her throat at the word. Drew. Engaged. To the girl he had left Avery for…

“He’s what?!”

“Yup…”

“Oh, Ace…” she mumbled sadly.

Avery held out her hand to stop Ajani from wrapping her in a hug. The only comfort Avery wanted was from a hole six feet deep that would swallow her whole. “Nope,” she chuckled dangerously, the panic attack starting to take over again. “Nuh-uh. Don’t do that.”

“Was it to her?”

“Mhm…”

“That fucker…”

“Mhm…” Avery scanned the room as she fell further into the panic attack. She needed to get out of this room. Was it hot in here? How come Ajani didn’t look hot? She pulled at the collar of her top, the room spinning. “I… I need some fresh air. T-text me when they get here.”

“Yeah, I got it. Do what you gotta do, Ace.”

Avery just needed to get outside. She could break down in her car. She just had to make it there first.

It hadn’t been all that long ago that Avery had thought Drew was everything she would ever want and need. Textbook childhood friends who had grown up across the street from each other, lost touch when Drew had moved, and reconnected in their later lives.

While Avery hadn’t been naive enough to expect a whirlwind romance that resulted in a young marriage and happily ever after, she had still thought that marriage would come in time. And Drew had never given her any reason to doubt that reality. A reality where they would never want anyone else. You didn’t plan a future with someone unless you were serious, right? Wrong. So, fucking wrong.

The ending had been a slow build she had refused to acknowledge. Petty fights that seemed solvable until they progressed to accusations of Avery’s loyalty. Accusations that Avery didn’t realize were a projection until it was too late.

And now Drew was engaged to the girl he had left her for. Giving Madison the life he had had once promised to Avery. And suddenly it didn’t matter that Avery and Drew had been broken up for almost three years, as wounds that had once been closed ripped open. The pain was new and raw as Avery felt the future she always thought she would have with Drew slipping away for the second time.

She wasn’t sure if she was going to cry, scream, or vomit. Maybe she would do all at once. She needed air. Outside. Get outside.

“Whoa!” Avery let out, skidding to a halt before she collided into the back of a very large man who was blocking her only exit out of the studio. “You, uh… wanna maybe not block the hallway? Or I dunno… shrink to the size of a normal human?” The questions were sharp, as that wild and untamed panic swirling inside her came out as unfiltered rage on an unsuspecting— and undeserving— victim. And while bracing her hand on the wall as the man turned might have seemed to be part of her fiery demeanor, it was actually to keep herself upright as new panic seized her. Oh shit.

“I’m sorry?” Ashton asked, amusement lacing his tone. He looked down at the woman who stood there, arm braced defiantly against the wall. There was a dusting of freckles along her nose and cheeks, and her red hair curled slightly where it stopped at the top of her shoulders. He saw the hint of a tattoo peeping out of her navy-blue tank top decorated with sunflowers, but it was covered enough to where he couldn’t fully make out what it was. If he allowed his eyes to travel further down, he would have found a pair of denim shorts hugging her tightly and showing off slim and tanned legs, and a pair of all-white Chucks on her feet. Instead, he kept his eyes locked on hers— a tantalizing green— and her lips— the most perfect shade of reddish pink.

“I said excuse me,” Avery choked out. “Please,” she added as an afterthought.

A smirk was on his perfect lips as he continued to study Avery much in the way she was studying him. Her study concluded that everything about him was perfect. From the way his black jeans covered his perfect thighs, and the sleeves of his t-shirt hugged his biceps, like the fabric would rip at the slightest flex; to the way those two perfect strands of soft brown curls framed his forehead. And those eyes… Fuck, she could drown in those soft shades of green and glittering gold.

“You okay there, sweetheart?” he asked, the amused tone giving way to concern as his smirk dropped, the dimple in his cheek disappearing.

Do not drown. Do not giggle like a schoolgirl. Avery forced a smile. “Was just uh… getting some… coffee! Yeah, coffee.”

“Coffee’s always good right before a writing session. I’m Ashton, by the way.” He extended one large hand towards her.

“Avery,” she smiled, much more willingly. She gripped his hand in hers, giving it a firm shake, and wondered if the bolt of electricity that coursed through her was imagined or not. And when they unclasped hands, her heartbeat felt calmer, steadier.

Ashton noted the dimple that appeared in Avery’s right cheek. He also noted the way her eyes crinkled in the corners with her smile that felt much more genuine the second time around. “Avery… Avery…” his fingers snapped as he thought, her name familiar to him somehow. “Oh! Lucky Mess!” he realized, cheeks flushing in slight embarrassment. Ashton had been doing his best to familiarize himself with Lucky Mess in the past few weeks, but regrettably still could not differentiate the women enough to know them by name or sight.

“Yes. I’m Avery. Drummer and occasional guitarist and vocalist of Lucky Mess. And you’re Ashton Irwin, drummer of 5SOS.” She spoke the words with a slow playfulness.

He chuckled nervously, his cheeks heating up even more. Ashton rubbed at the back of his neck. “I bet I look like a terrible co-headliner right now…”

“No more than I do slamming into you in the hallway,” she laughed, a small but full sound. “AJ’s in room 3,” Avery pointed vaguely in the direction she had come from. “And uh, I’m gonna go grab that coffee. Did you want one?” she offered.

“That’d be great actually.”

“Cool.” Her teeth nipped into her bottom lip. “Cool. I’m, uh… I’ll be right back.”

“I’ll see you in there,” Ashton said, side-stepping out of her way so she could get by. He chuckled to himself, as Avery practically skipped off down the hallway in the direction of the kitchen area.

“What’s got you smiling that big for?” Calum asked as he came down the hall from the other way Avery had gone.

Ashton felt more warmness spread through his cheeks. “I, uh… nothing.”

Calum quirked an eyebrow. “Uh-huh. Nothing. Sure. Whatever you say, big fella.”

“I just ran into one of the girls from Lucky Mess. Well, she ran into me. But, uh, yeah.”

“AJ or Avery?”

“Avery,” Ashton grinned, enjoying the way her name felt on his tongue.

“You do know that you just grinned bigger when you said her name right?”

Ashton forced his face to take on what he hoped was a more neutral, natural looking expression. “Did I?”

Calum sighed and rolled his eyes. “Honestly, Ash?”

“What?”

“We haven’t even started working with them, and you’re already grinning like an idiot? Dude… reel it in.”

“Cal, do you ever just get a feeling about someone?”

“You get a lot of feelings about a lot of people, Ash.”

“No. This is… different.”

“And you say that every time, mate.”

“No!” Ashton made a low noise in his throat, trying to find the words to get his point across. “It’s like… every time I meet a girl, it’s shy, high-pitched giggles, and pounding heartbeats.”

“That’s cuz you’re a rockstar. We, uh… have that effect on girls apparently.”

“Okay, but that didn’t happen.”

“Well, what did happen?”

So, Ashton told him all about the woman with eyes so green it was like a new shade had been invented just for her, and how instead of making him feel like he was falling, she made him feel like his feet were touching solid ground for the first time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Avery used the distraction of making coffee to calm down her body. From the news of Drew. From colliding into Ashton. From everything swirling inside her.

As the coffee dripped into the pot, Avery started humming nonsense hoping the nonsense would turn into words. Anything to try and make sense of the storm in her head. That was what she loved most about being a musician— the therapeutic process of channeling her emotions into music and turning whatever it was she was going through into something others could relate to.

She poured the coffee into mugs, setting the pot in the sink. She then grabbed as much creamer and sugar as she could hold in her hands.

As she made her way back to room three, she could hear more voices than just Ashton and Ajani’s. Great… Everyone else was here and she only had two coffees. She steeled herself, refusing to feel guilty. She wasn’t a fucking waitress. And she hadn’t even planned on getting coffee. The idea had just blurted out of her standing in front of Ashton. And to show up without coffee after 1.) saying that’s what she was doing and 2.) offering to get him one would raise more questions that she was in no mood to deal with.

She squared her shoulders and lifted her chin.

“Hey guys!” she greeted warmly as she pushed her way into the room.

Ajani’s eyebrows shot up, curious about her bandmate’s sudden change in demeanor. “Hey… Ace… How was that fresh air?” she asked, gazing at the cups in Avery’s hands.

“Too soon to tell,” Avery answered honestly. “Ash, this is…” Avery started, turning her attention to Ashton, and holding out one of the coffee cups to him. But as he moved to take it, she moved her hand back, offering him the other cup.

He paused, watching as she worked out which cup she wanted to offer him. Which didn’t matter in the slightest because they looked to be identical. Until she took a huge lick of one of the cups and passed him the non-licked one. “This one’s yours,” she finally decided.

Ashton let out a large laugh that turned into a boyish giggle, as he took the cup. “Thanks, sweetheart.”

The other four people in the room watched the exchange, wondering if their respective bandmates had lost their damn mind.

Avery wasn’t entirely sure about Ashton losing his, but she was certain she was losing hers the more she held Ashton’s gaze and listened to that infectious giggle.

She took a slow sip of her coffee, wincing at the taste. She had forgotten about the creamer and sugar in her hands. So, she busied herself with dumping the packets of creamer and sugar into her cup, taking the moment to compose herself. “Um, hi. I’m Avery,” she addressed Calum, Luke, and Michael specifically, putting the mug off to the side. “Nice to officially meet you. Do you guys have any lyrics, or music to work with?” she went on to ask, getting down to business.

“Nope. Not a one. Nada. Sorry,” all four men answered while Ajani rolled her eyes.

“So would anyone mind if I tried something?” Avery offered, moving about the room to grab her guitar.

Ajani perked up. “You got something?!”

“I think so.”

“Dazzle me, Ace,” Ajani encouraged, sitting more upright, excited to hear what Avery had come up with.

Avery was also curious about what she would come up with as she started strumming a soft guitar riff. She started humming the same tune she had been humming in the kitchen, her voice growing louder as the humming turned to words.

It’s so hard to watch everything I want,

Everything I was,

Spinning down the drain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The writing session quickly disbanded after Avery’s simplistic, but promising intro, everyone hell-bent on coming back together tomorrow with something workable. And after trying to come up with something more complex than an intro beat himself and getting distracted by thinking about her smile and the way it lit up her entire face, Ashton finally packed up for the day.

For a reason he couldn’t explain, he wandered into the kitchen. Ashton wasn’t sure what he expected, but Ajani leaned against the counter, eating yogurt wouldn’t have made the list. Well… since she was here…

“Hey, AJ, right?” Ashton asked, and immediately cursed himself for asking something so profoundly stupid.

“Yes, that’s me. What can I do for you?” She took a scoop of her yogurt, an eyebrow cocked as she waited for Ashton to ask, no doubt, another stupid question.

Ashton smiled and let out a nervous chuckle. “So, um, Avery, right?” He rubbed at the back of his neck, kicking himself for not being able to say the words he wanted to say.

“Avery is not me. I thought we established I’m AJ?”

“No, um, fuck,” He groaned, his hand moving from his neck to wipe down his face. “Is she… you know?”

“I know,” Ajani laughed, putting her spoon back in the yogurt cup, “She is my best friend.” She had a good idea she knew what Ashton was getting at. She would have had to be blind to not see the way he acted so enamored around Avery. But watching the man sweat was amusing, and a little humbling. Ashton Irwin with a crush? How adorably normal.

“Fuck, why is this so hard?” Ashton asked no one in particular.

“I don’t know why it's hard, you tell me.”

The drummer scowled. Any other day he could match Ajani sassy comment for sassy comment. But damn it, he just wanted a clear answer to the unclear but obvious question he was asking. “You’re a little shithead, huh?”

“That’s what they call me in bed,” Ajani laughed again. Then, she nodded her head seriously, growing bored of teasing Ashton. “She is single, yes.”

“Thank you,” Ashton smiled gratefully. “I’ll uh…”

“Run to catch her before she leaves?”

“Yeah, that! Thanks again. Have a good night.” He moved for the door, hoping he didn’t appear too eager.

“Oh, but Ash?” Ajani called out, needing to do right by Avery by making Ashton aware of the situation with Drew.

“Yeah?”

“Be good to her.” The warning fell flat, and a better explanation was on Ajani’s lips, but Ashton was already dashing out the door, with a dismissive wave of his hand.

“Otherwise, you’ll put me six feet under like the good friend you are. Got it. Thanks!” he called out over his shoulder.

He was halfway to the parking lot when a soft whistle filtered down the hall then a “Oh hey! Just the man I wanted to see.”

“I’m not blocking your way again, am I?” Ashton teased.

Avery gave a small laugh as pink dusted her cheeks. “No. And I should apologize for that. It’s been…” her voice trailed off as she grappled with how much to share with him. “Well, it’s been a day.”

“A good one, I hope.”

“It had its moments,” she answered as truthfully as she could. “Anyway. I’m glad I caught you. Because it might be in my best interest to have your number.”

“That just might be the smoothest way I’ve ever had someone ask for my number before,” he attempted to flirt as he reached into his back pocket for his phone.

Her eyes widened for a split second. “I only meant… Because we’re going to be working together. It just makes sense.”

“Oh, of course,” Ashton nodded, trading his phone for hers, noting her home screen that pictured an all-black cat lounging lazily in a windowsill. And maybe Ajani had just been fucking with him. And maybe Avery wasn’t the type to plaster her love life on her phone screen. But his shoulders sagged with relief anyway. “Just good business.”

“Speaking of,” she laughed, her hand patting his chest softly. “I should be off. See if I can’t make us a hit song overnight.”

“Yeah, I was heading out myself. Walk you to your car?”

Her eyes danced, and it took all of Ashton’s willpower not to kiss those perfectly pink lips as she grinned up at him. “Oh, a gentleman are we, Mr. Irwin?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Avery spent most of the night replaying everything with Drew over in her head. The way he had replaced her so easily, taking all their memories and promises with him. How it had her taken months to find the ability to go anywhere besides the studio, processing her emotions through music as best she could. How her dating life the past three years had only been distractions, because keeping her walls up was the only way to ensure she wouldn’t get hurt again. Because she would never allow herself to get so wrapped up into someone again.

But she hadn’t had a distraction in a while. Not since their manager had dropped the news of the collaboration and impending co-headlining tour with 5SOS. The distraction of work was far more satisfying and less likely to end in someone getting hurt. But she was healing. Moving forward as best she could. Or at least she thought she was until she saw that cursed engagement announcement. Undeniable confirmation that the chance of Drew ever coming groveling back was officially closed.

But then she had— quite literally— crashed into Ashton. And sure, him being pleasant with her could be chalked up to the fact that they were facing months being in each other’s business, so it was for the best they got along. And sure, maybe he just had a charming personality that made it feel like he was flirting when he actually wasn’t. Maybe he was just a decent human being. But there was no denying the way he stilled her in a way that Avery had only been able to find through music. And that itself was terrifying to confront.

And that’s how she found herself in the studio the following morning. She sat quietly, strumming a soft acoustic riff, waiting for the words that would help her make sense of everything to find her.

I guess what they say is true.

That nothing really is what it seems.

Cuz, I miss the hope that I used to have.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When they had all gone their separate ways last night, they hadn’t agreed on a meeting time. So, Ashton was pleasantly surprised when he pulled up to the studio and only Avery’s car was in the parking lot.

While he was excited to be working on a new song with Lucky Mess and go on tour, he was equally— if not more— excited about the prospect of spending more time with Avery in particular. He knew there was more to it than his hopeless romantic tendencies taking root, too. Something about him and Avery felt so… effortless. New and exciting, but also comforting.

Ashton could hear the soft music pouring out of the room as he approached, a tray of coffees, and a grocery bag in his hands. The singing grew louder as he pushed his way inside the room.

I fell so far, and I don’t know how.

But I think I miss it. God, I miss it.

Oh, I miss it, really miss it now.

“Whoa…” was all Ashton could think of to say.

Avery’s head snapped up, not having heard anyone walk in. “Oh! Sorry, I didn’t hear you come in.” She set her guitar aside and rose to her feet. “Need help with that?” she asked, gesturing to the tray of coffees and the grocery bag still in Ashton’s hands.

“Nah, I got it,” Ashton said, setting everything down on the little table in the middle of the room. “Just some coffee and muffins, so please, help yourself.”

“That’s sweet of you to grab everyone breakfast. Thank you.” Her hand hovered over the tray of coffees. “Is there a specific one I should grab?”

“Nah, they’re all the same. There’s cream and sugar in the bag with the muffins. And if you don’t like the coffee, don’t feel bad.”

“Why wouldn’t I like the coffee?” she asked, grabbing one of the cups and popping the lid.

“I know some people are picky about their blends. But I’m not. And I can easily drink all of these on my own so it’s not gonna go to waste or anything.”

“Well, here’s the thing,” she said as she pulled out a fistful of creams and sugars, ripping them open and dumping them into the coffee. “1.) put in enough creamer and sugar and it all tastes the same. And 2.)” She paused as she licked the entire rim of her coffee cup, a smirk gracing her lips, “you can’t have this one. It’s mine. I even licked it.”

Ashton let out a loud laugh, as he reached in the bag to pull out two muffins. “Gonna lick this one too?” he joked as he handed her one.

“How else am I going to mark it as mine?” she joked back, swiping a pink tongue across the top of the muffin. “Sharpie leaves a weird taste, you know?”

Again, Ashton laughed, enjoying the way her eyes danced and swirled with playful trouble. Effortless. But an alarm of warning went off in his head. Ajani’s warning that he had brushed past without thinking too much about it. Maybe there was more to it than friends looking out for each other. And between the songs Avery had been playing, and how if he looked closely, she always looked a little frazzled… Maybe he was reading too much out of a situation that wasn’t actually real. Maybe his hopeless romantic brain was losing control. And while Avery seemed too sweet to ever use anyone for her own gain, Ashton had also known a few girls who never intended to hurt him but did so anyway in the end. And honestly, that hurt worse than being used. He cleared his throat, suddenly uncomfortable. “So, the song you were playing?” he asked. “Was it part of what you showed us yesterday, or something different.”

“Something different. Or so I think. They’re both dealing with this idea of reflection, just in a different way.”

“Done a lot of reflecting lately?”

She laughed, but it sounded off. Like she was somehow sad. Haunted by whatever it was she was reflecting on. “Yeah, you could say that. It’s uh… all a smidge complicated.”

“How so? If you don’t mind me asking.”

Avery’s teeth nipped into her bottom lip as she thought about what to tell him. Decided how much of herself was safe to give away. “Well let’s just say there was this guy. We’ve been broken up for a few years now. And I’ve dated here and there, both before and after him. But he was the only serious relationship I’ve had. And yesterday he got engaged to the girl he left me for.”

Ashton let out a low whistle. “Shit… that’s gotta sting.”

“Yeah.” The word fell flat. Not necessarily sad, or even angry. Disappointed reality. “So, the song I was playing around with yesterday is reflective of this idea of seeing someone you once loved living out that life you both planned for with someone else.”

“And the other song? The one you were just playing?”

“That internal struggle of not being where you thought you would be. Like in some regards my life panned out perfectly. But in other ways it hasn’t. I’m not even close to achieving some goals I thought I would have by now. But to give voice to those disappointments comes across as complaining because on the surface I have so much. So sometimes I just miss who I was back at the start before it all.”

Ashton blew out a huff of air. “Ain’t that the truth. Where did you think you’d be by now?”

Avery paused, and Ashton was ready to backpedal his question. Apologize for asking too many questions. Offer her an out. But instead, she flashed him a shy smile, and held out her pinky finger. “Promise me you won’t laugh?”

He wrapped his pinky around hers. “Only if you won’t laugh at mine.”

Avery’s smile grew. “I always thought that I would have a family by now. Like one of my own, you know? I’ve always wanted this,” she gestured about the room. “But I also thought by now I would have someone to come home to. A spouse. Some kids.” She sighed, her smile faltering. “And I get how that’s off-putting to people. How people I date wouldn’t want to put their trust in me to have a traditional life with when I have such a demanding job. And I’ll admit that I’m picky about who I date because of those factors as well. But the only time I trusted someone well enough to be serious with… He let me down in all the ways that mattered. And he blamed my life — my career — for his mistakes, like the blame was on me. And that’s time I’ll never get back. Years that put me behind the curve of falling in line to societal pressures. And I know it’s silly. I know that I need to focus on what I have and trust everything will play out how it's meant to. But it’s hard not to feel like I lost out on something in the process. That I’m not fully myself because I don’t have what I thought I would by now. Should have by now.”

Ashton swallowed thickly as he nodded. “I get it. The idea of balancing a more traditional life with the one we find ourselves in… It’s a lot for most people. And there’s always going to be some risk with giving your heart to someone. So, you just gotta find someone worth that risk and hope they think the same.”

“Which is what everyone says,” Avery laughed half-heartedly. “Ugh. Sorry. I appreciate you trying to help. It just sucks. Like I was moved on. I let him go. I let the pain go. And now all that time spent making myself better… It’s pathetic is what it is. Pathetic that after all this time he still has the power to make me feel like I lost so much time.”

 “I think that makes you human, not pathetic,” Ashton said, sympathetically, resting a large hand on her thigh. He was about to offer up more words of comfort and validation when he paused, his eyes lighting up with an idea. “Actually, that gives me an idea for our song.”

“Really?” Avery brightened, sitting up straighter.

“Yes!” he said, rising to his feet and going to the keyboard. “I was messing with a rhythm to pair with that riff you were playing,” he explained, gesturing for her to join him.

Quickly she started playing the soft chord progression from yesterday, and Ashton overlayed the sound with a soft electronic kick beat on the keyboard. Then, ever so quietly:

I know it takes time to let go.

But I can’t take it no more.

Can I make up for lost time?

As he stopped singing, they both stopped playing, the silence crashing around them. Ashton coughed, uncomfortable and shy. “So, I know it’s not much, and I’m not sure where it will fit exactly. But… yeah…”

“Tell the critic to take the day off, Ash. That was beautiful,” Avery told him, her voice full of marvel.

“Thanks,” he murmured, ducking his head to hide his blush.

“I’m serious. Don’t doubt your abilities.” The words were both permission and promise. Permission to let down his guard with her. And promise that she would keep safe whatever vulnerabilities he dared share with her.

Taking a page from her book, Ashton held out his pinky finger to her. “Don’t doubt yours.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Anybody ever tell you that you make it hard to focus?” Ashton asked, looking over at Avery. He had invited everyone over for a pool party of sorts to celebrate the song being finished just in time for tour next week. Well, technically Calum had, and he had made a nice little typo in the message to Avery, sending her a time that started before everyone else’s. Ashton had been about to tear his Calum’s head off for meddling in something that wasn’t any of his business to meddle in, but when Ashton’s phone had pinged with Avery’s message saying that she couldn’t wait, suddenly Ashton was grateful for the idea of having two uninterrupted hours with her before everyone else showed up.

Grateful, and easily distracted. And she wasn’t even doing anything to purposely cause a distraction. Upon realizing she was the first to arrive, she had set up space on a lounge chair, pulling a notebook and pen out of her bag. And she had stayed that way while he tried to busy himself with a little bit of yoga.

Ashton would have blamed the silence for his lack of focus, except that the silence was quite comfortable. Each of them lost in their own world as they shared the same space of his back patio. But every time his eyes caught a glimpse of her swimming top peeking out of her tank top, Ashton’s mind drifted to what she looked like in it without the extra clothes in the way. He found himself jealous of the way her shorts hugged her small frame, showing off her slim and long tanned legs, and the pink lipstick that kissed her lips the way he wanted to. And it was like it got a little easier to breathe every time she looked his way and flashed that little shy smile of hers. Like now. “Sorry, am I humming out loud?” Avery asked, looking over at him.

Ashton quickly shook his head. “No, you’re just…” He took a steadying breath, before pushing into his next yoga pose, as he figured out what next to say. “I feel like I’m being a bad host and you’re secretly bored out of your skull. You can start swimming if you want. Or help yourself to anything in the kitchen. I don’t know what’s taking everyone else so long, but they should be here soon,” he half-lied.

“You’re not a bad host,” she laughed. “And I’m not bored. I’m working.” Her pen tapped against the spirals of her notebook. “Trying to finish this damn song.”

“The ‘oh I miss it, really miss it now?’ one?” Ashton remembered. “Mmm, I liked that one.”

“Mhm, me too,” she said somewhat absentmindedly as she looked over what she had written down. She hummed quietly to herself, then her eyes lit up and she wrote in a fast blur. “Yes!” she cheered to herself, flipping the notebook closed and setting it aside. “Alright. Think I’m gonna take that swim now. Wanna join me?” she asked as she started rifling through her bag for sunscreen.

“Gonna finish this up first,” Ashton said, gesturing to the yoga mat.

“Hmm… good idea.” She rose from the chair and came over to where Ashton was. “Can you show me what you were doing?”

“You do yoga?” Ashton asked, stunned.

“Every day since I was eight. Helped with gymnastics.”

Ashton choked on his next breath, stemming the thoughts starting to run through his mind. This woman was gonna be the end of him. And he was gonna enjoy every second of it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“There you are!” Avery said, when Ajani finally showed up to Ashton’s. “I was wondering when you’d get here.”

“Oh, yeah. Looks like you were completely torn up about it,” Ajani laughed at her friend.

“Shut up and get in the pool, already,” Avery laughed with her, continuing to float lazily on the raft in Ashton’s pool. “Oh! But bring me a drink first, yeah?”

“One water coming up,” Ajani said as she crouched at the cooler on the deck.

“You’re the best AJ!” Avery shouted her thanks.

“There’s other stuff to drink besides water,” Ashton pointed out, resting his foot on the cooler for emphasis.

Avery looked over at the man; his trunks were already dry as he had gotten out of the pool when Crystal and Michael had arrived to help Michael set up his DJing equipment. Her fingers itched to mark up his perfect back, and trace every inked line etched upon his soft skin. By the time he finished helping Michael, Calum, Luke, and Sierra, along with a few others Avery couldn't put names to, had shown up and he had snapped into full host mode. But Avery was fine with that. The whole point of this afternoon was for them to celebrate, not just her hanging out with Ashton. Although she certainly hadn’t been minding the latter; just the two of them spending a lazy day out in the sun like they had been doing it every day of their lives.

Avery was about to answer that she was fine with water, but Ajani beat her to it with a swift, “Unless there’s a bottle of pinot noir in there, she’ll want water.”

“You don’t chill pinot noir,” Avery corrected with an eye roll. “8 years. You’ve known me 8 years and you still don’t know that. Unbelievable.”

“Well, I’m not much a drinker these days, but I can look for a bottle later if you like,” Ashton offered.

Avery waved her hand dismissively. “Please don’t trouble yourself. I’m not much of a drinker either.”

“A woman after my own heart,” Ashton joked with a wink in Avery’s direction, clutching at his heart dramatically.

“Great, Ash is in love again. Quick Luke, call the studio! We’ll have a new album before tour even starts!” Calum teased, and Ashton shoved him with a laugh that Avery was certain she would hear every time she closed her eyes.

“Men,” Ajani said with a roll of her eyes before walking to the edge of the pool, two water bottles in her hand.

Avery gripped the ledge and towed herself over to Ajani. “Thanks,” she said, graciously taking one of the bottles.

“No problem. How long have you been here?”

“Like 11 I think.”

She let out a low whistle. “Geez, woman.”

“What?” Avery asked, confused. “Ash said 11.”

“Oh, honey…”

Avery’s eyes rolled. “Don’t ‘oh, honey’ me. He told me 11. Watch, I’ll show you. Here, hold this,” she directed, passing back the water bottle so she could get off the raft and pull herself out of the water.

“Are you sure you didn’t read it wrong? Cuz, I read 1.”

Avery shook her head, grabbing Ajani’s hand and walking them to her bag. She was certain she had read 11, not 1. She located her phone, quickly unlocking it and pulling up her messages.

Hey, having a pre-tour pool party at my place. See ya at 11.

XX

Ajani frowned and showed Avery her own message from Ashton.

Hey, having a pre-tour pool party at my place. See ya at 1.

XX

Both messages showed his address underneath the original message followed by their responses. “Think it was a typo, and he didn’t want to make me feel bad?” Avery asked, chewing on her bottom lip.

Ajani shrugged. “That, or he did it on purpose.”

“But why would he do that?”

“Why don’t you ask him?”

Avery snorted with laughter. “Yeah, okay. Just ‘Hey Ash, I noticed you told me 11, but told everyone else 1. What gives?’ Just like that?”

“Or something like that,” Ajani grinned, and Avery could have hit her.

“He’s behind me, isn’t he?

“Oh, yeah,” both Ajani and Ashton said.

Avery grimaced as she turned around to come face to face with the culprit. “Well?”

“I’m gonna plead the fifth on this one,” Ashton grinned.

“Cool, I’m gonna go drown now. Hope you got a pool boy that doesn’t scare easily.” Avery flashed them both a smile. “Bye!” She wiggled her fingers for dramatic effect as she walked backwards to the edge of the pool, and then took one more step, letting the water cool off the warmth coursing through her body that had nothing to do with the California sun.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tag List

@aquarius-hood1996 @creator-appreciator @philthepegacorn @myfavfanficsever @youngblood199456 @stormrider505 @iknowyouthinkimbulletproof @hoodhoran @metalandboybands @maybeememez @kaitieskidmore1 @binxiboo @victoria432stuff @maedesculpaeusoubi @hfkait

[leclercsbf]

finally found enough time to tend to this music tag from @ocontraire. thanks for giving me an excuse to spill songs all over everyone’s dashboards, leaf. tagging @charlosgoggles, @c2-eh, and anyone else who feels like doing it!

list 10 songs you want other people to hear

maybe they’re your favorite songs or you think they’re classics or they are little known artists that you want to give more attention to. whatever your reasons or no reason at all.

ended up going for some of the better known songs and bands in my library, because i listen to a lot of indie and if i had to pick just ten to list out it would take me years to finish this. full disclosure, my music taste is all over the place—but hey, here are the chosen ten in no particular order.

la devotee by p!atd. this song is like a drug to me. if you told me i could listen to one last song before i died, a strong case could be made for la devotee.

hurts like heaven by coldplay. this has a bounce off the walls, psychedelic type of feel. i used to listen to it to hype myself up in the mornings because who even had energy for high school.

teeth by 5sos. if the bass in this song was a person i would fuck it. i would probably fuck this entire song, period, but the bass. the vocals. the lyrics. jesus.

freal luv by far east movement. i listened to this song instead of paying attention in calc. i ended up failing calc, but to be fair, math has never been my strong suit.

northern downpour by p!atd. i don’t have the words to describe the way this song makes me feel, but it makes my heart ache in the best way.

just one yesterday by fall out boy. top ten songs to blast with your windows down. singing along is required, not optional.

don’t stop me now (revisited) by queen. nothing feels quite like screaming the pre-chorus at the top of your lungs when you’re two shots away from being blackout drunk. plus i’m queer. i can’t not include queen.

clint eastwood by gorillaz. this song practically a classic at this point. everyone and their mom has heard it, but that’s exactly why i had to include it. i first heard about gorillaz as a kid and i haven’t stopped listening to them since.

drown by bring me the horizon. no, mom, it’s not a phase. i’m terrible at trying to describe these songs, but this one has stuck with me since its release. i had a pretty shitty job last year, the kind that makes me sick to my stomach with anxiety, but listening to bmth tuned out The Horrors long enough for me to get to and from work—so there’s that, i suppose.

we didn’t start the fire by fall out boy. i’ve recommended this before and i’m doing it again. it’s a cover of billy joel’s we didn’t start the fire, and aside from the events not being in chronological order, i’d say fob did a pretty good job. i wouldn’t trust anyone else to write an updated version of this song.

and an extra because i never know when to quit, apparently:

alla ba ouff by omar rudberg. TODO EL MUNDO QUIERE BESAR ESA BOQUITA ROJA. that’s all i have to say.

[phantompoguefangirl]

Wrapped Around Your Finger

CHAPTER SEVEN: Holding On

You're not alone, together we stand

I'll be by your side, you know, I'll take your hand

When it gets cold and it feels like the end

There's no place to go, you know, I won't give in

No, I won't give in

Keep holding on

'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Just stay strong

'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you

There's nothing you could say (nothing you could say)

Nothing you could do (nothing you could do)

There's no other way when it comes to the truth

So keep holding on

'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through-Keep Holding On by Avril Lavigne

A/N: I added a detail about Calum and Mia's friendship because I feel like in every 5sos story that is not explicitely about him, Calum is always just kinda there. Like he doesn't really do much other than be background support or whatever and he deserves better than that.

Also the song Michael wrote and sings for Mia is Broken Home but I wasn't sure if putting the lyrics in would be triggering to anyone so I left them out.

Oh and I hope y'all enjoy the cute collage of Michael with his acoustic guitar. He's so baby I can't even 🥺🥰

Anyway, here we go!

***********************************

MICHAEL P.O.V:

The next few days were the worst days of my life. Mia came out of surgery okay but was unsconscious for days and we were all absolutely terrified she wouldn't wake up.

The boys and I never left her side if we could help it. The doctor said she could probably hear us so we talked to her and I played music for her, which the guys sometimes helped with.

Ashton had bonded with her over books so he would read to her a lot too. He read her Percy Jackson and the Olympians, because he knew that it was one of her favorite serieses and it was entertaining enough for the rest of us to listen to and not get bored.

Luke fixed her hair and did her nails and whatnot while updating her on life and telling her about a new store he found that he wanted to take her to when she woke up.

Calum had found out shortly after meeting Mia that she knew how to play soccer because her older brother, Mason, played growing up and Mia liked to either play with Mason in their free time or copy his moves from the sidelines at his team practices. Luke and Ash worked out and stuff but I was not even close to athletic and none of us really liked to play actual sports so Calum was super happy when Mia was down to kick the ball around with him. That became their thing and while Mia was unconscious, Calum had been in our large backyard whenever he wasn't at the hospital, practicing some move Mia was trying to help him perfect. He didn't like idly waiting and he wanted to do something for her. Whenever he was with her at the hospital he would tell her about his progress and he gushed to her excitedly for awhile when he finally got it down.

Sometimes the boys would give me time alone with her, which I appreciated much more than they would ever know. I would hold her hand and talk to her about anything and everything. I would have brought my Nintendo DS or PSP to play games, but I couldn't bring myself to even think about playing videogames at a time like this. I would bring my guitar though and play whatever came to mind for her.

One day, when the others had left, I played Mia a song I had written a song about my family. I wasn't ready to share it with the band yet, but Mia understood what I went through better than anybody and I wanted her to be the first to hear it, even if she couldn't respond yet.

I broke down crying halfway through it and set my guitar aside before burying my head in my arms, which were now resting on the bed next to her. I was still crying when suddenly I felt something bump my hand softly then rest on top of it, followed by the most beautiful sound I had ever heard.

"M-Michael?" Mia stammered hoarsely, causing me to yank my head up to look at her in shock.

"Mia? Oh my god!" I nearly shouted as I jumped up and carefully wrapped my arms around her. She weakly hugged me back for a moment before I got her some water and sat back down.

"Wha-where-what-how" Mia stuttered, beginning to hyperventilate.

"Hey, hey it's okay. You're safe," I reassured her, leaning over her and trying to comfort her.

She was shaking and looking around desperately while making tiny panicked noises, so I very gingerly climbed into the bed beside her and held her until her breathing began to go back to normal.

Mia looked up at me and I could see a million emotions swirling around in her gorgeous multi colored eyes. I started to feel myself breaking down again.

"Fuck, I missed you," I breathed through my tears as I snuggled her carefully. "I was so scared that I was gonna lose you."

"M-me too," She responded, her words muffled against my chest, her body still trembling a bit, "Is he-"

"He's gone. He'll never see you or touch you ever again, I promise," I told her, knowing what she was asking before she even finished the question. I briefly explained what happened when we got to Jesse's house that night.

She nodded and started quietly sobbing into my shirt.

I wept too and held Mia some more, giving her water and whatnot until the nurses came to check on her.

I didn't want to leave her, but they made me go out in the hall, so I decided use this time to call and let the boys know she was awake.

They rushed back to see her as fast as they could, Ashton being in the lead, of course. He was the first back into the room once the nurses gave the okay and he immediately hugged Mia. By the time they got there, she was speaking full sentences.

"Awe there's my Dimples," Mia said, matching the wide smile Ashton had on his face as he pulled back to look at her.

"God, you don't even know how relieved I am to hear your voice," he managed to say before he embraced her again.

"Us too, Mia. We were so worried about you," Calum said, pointing to himself and Luke, who fervently agreed while holding up the bouquet of Tiger Lilies and stuffed panda they picked out for her on the way here, with my help over the phone, of course.

"Awwwe guys," Mia responded, attempting to hold her arms out to them.

They excitedly hugged her and gave her the gifts. Her eyes welled up as she accepted the flowers and the plushie.

"How did you know?" Mia asked, looking down at her gifts.

"Michael told us that you liked them so we picked these out for you," Luke answered, "He would have gone and got them with us, but he didn't want to leave you."

Her gaze shifted over to me and I felt the heat rising in my cheeks.

I shifted my weight from one foot to the other in the doorway before taking a nervous step toward her bed. "You told me a couple of times about the house you grew up in having a flower bed that wrapped almost all the way around it, which your mother filled with tiger lilies, and you told me how much you loved them. Not to mention, you get ridiculously excited whenever you see pandas anywhere."

"You paid attention? I-I was just rambling,"she replied, smiling softly. Was I imagining things or was she blushing now too?

"Well, what kind of friend would I be if I didn't?" I said, grinning and trying to sound nonchalant as I sat down next to the bed.

"Thank you," Mia said, before turning to the others. "All of you. For the gifts and for....everything. If you guys hadn't been there...."

"Don't even mention it. You're still here and that's all that matters," Luke said before she could finish that thought. He squeezed her hand gently and smiled.

She turned to Calum. "I heard you talking. You figured out the Hocus Pocus move?"

"Yeah, I reckon I did. I can't wait to show you when you come home!" He said, grinning at her.

"I can't wait to see....I'm so proud of you, Cal!" She smiled back, but then her smile contorted a little bit as she shifted uncomfortably.

"You okay?" I asked, immediately worried.

"Hurts....fuck," she groaned, trying to move again but stopping and placing her hand on her ribs.

"I think her pain meds may be wearing off. I'll go get a nurse," Ash offered, jumping up and leaving the room.

The nurses came back and checked on Mia before giving her more pain meds and leaving again. Mia began to relax as we kept talking to her. The doctor came in and said they wanted to keep her a few more nights for observation, but otherwise her injuries and surgical incisions were healing nicely and she was able to eat soft foods like pudding and jello and apple sauce. They just needed to see if she could walk and stuff by herself before she left so they knew if she needed any physical therapy.

The guys left when it got late, but I wasn't ready to leave yet so I stayed for a little while longer. I gazed at her, still feeling a tornado of emotions blowing around inside me.

I reached out to hold her hand, but before I could, she slowly raised it and pressed it to my cheek just below my right eye. Her thumb softly brushed away a stray tear.

"I heard your song, by the way," She said,"It's beautiful."

"Really?" I asked, feeling unsure about it because it was so personal.

"Yes," she replied, holding back her own tears,"Every word felt like I said it to my own parents."

"I was hoping you'd like it," I said, my voice showing more of my emotions than I intended. "I knew you'd understand."

"Can you play it again?" she asked, lowering her hand weakly.

"Of course," I answered, picking up my guitar.

I took a deep breath to calm myself and softly began to play.

We were both fully crying by the time I finished so she asked if I could play a different song to cheer us up. A random idea popped into my head.

"We're sooarin', flyyyin'," I sang, grinning as I strummed my guitar strings.

Mia let out a strained giggle and tried to sing along, but she was still hoarse and recovering so it was difficult. We just kept going though.

"There's not a star in Heaven that we can't reach, if we're tryin', so we're breaking free!"

We continued till the song was over and then Mia got more meds so she started to get sleepy.

"I should probably go so you can get some rest," I said, though I really did not want to be away from her.

"No, wait...," she mumbled, reaching out to me with one hand. "Keep singing.... please?"

"Oh, um, okay," I said, unsure.

"Sorry...it's just...your voice is...um...," She took a deep breath as she seemed to search for the right word to use. She looked up at me. "...Soothing."

Her eyes said far more than her words did so I wracked my brain for a song and then started playing again.

"You're not alone, together we stand

I'll be by your side, you know, I'll take your hand

When it gets cold and it feels like the end

There's no place to go, you know, I won't give in

No, I won't give in

Keep holding on

'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Just stay strong

'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you

There's nothing you could say (nothing you could say)

Nothing you could do (nothing you could do)

There's no other way when it comes to the truth

So keep holding on

'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through"

I meant every word as I sang for Mia until her eyes fluttered closed and her breathing slowed to a pace that meant she was fast asleep. I carefully stood up, put my guitar back into it's case and walked toward the door.

Right as I got to the doorway, I stopped and looked at back at Mia. I set my guitar down then, without thinking, I went over and placed a very light kiss on her forehead. I touched my forehead to hers gently for a moment, then grabbed my case and went home.

****************************************

@jetblackbritt13 @caityrayeraye

[dlrosebyh]

never really had an introduction here, whatsoever. but hi! i’m rose (any pronouns are fine), here are my interests:

i love reading books. my favorite book of all time is the song of achilles. my favorite genre is fantasy and my favorite book character is nikolai lanstov.

i do also love the fanon marauders era. jegulus, nobleflower, dorlene, and wolfstar are my favorite ships <3

i listen to one direction a lot. i’m in louis’ lane.

aside from one direction, i listen to taylor swift, 5sos, phoebe bridgers, clairo, arctic monkeys, second thoughts, etc.

i try to write, although i don’t necessarily have an original wip. i write fanfics from time to time, though i don’t really post them. it’s just for practice. i originally redownloaded tumblr for more writing prompts, lol

[its-bound-to-get-loud]

Diary of a 5SOS fan: 17-08-2023

Hi there everyone! Hope you're doing good out there. As previously opted I am going to start a 5SOS diary here from my personal perspective as a 5SOS fan. It's just me sharing my thoughts and experience as a fan. These may or may not be universal, they're always mine though.

So very quickly a reintroduction of who I am. I'm Caroline, 32, from The Netherlands. I became a 5SOS fan around early 2020. Just as the pandemic started. So you could say I'm late to the party, but I'm happy to be here though. I was lucky enough to see them live in Amsterdam and Rotterdam on the Take My Hand tour and I'm seeing them again in Amsterdam on October 1st this year.

I'm super excited to see them again, I had soundcheck last year for Amsterdam and I have soundcheck this year as well. Which I'm super stoked about. It was such a fun experience to see them in a slightly more relaxed setting as well. I know it's a lot of money and I'm glad I'm able to afford it. If you are in a position to buy a ticket for soundcheck, I can highly recommend it. If you love 5SOS you will not regret it.

With tour starting I played Self Titled in the car the other day and although it's not my favorite album it does have some bangers on there. But damn, some of these songs really held up terribly lol. I get why everyone loves Mrs All American, English Love Affair and so on. But let's get real for a second: "That minivan that you drive really gets me goin'," "princess getting naked" and let's not forget "she's a good a girl, daddy's favorite". Any artist in 2023 would get canceled for that lol. I get that it's part of the nostalgia and lyrics aside they are all bops. But maybe it's time to be a little less obsessed with these songs after this tour is done? We literally got Heartbreak Girl and Don't Stop in 2023. Gotta say, I will put my life on the line for Voodoo Doll or End up Here lol.

Speaking of End Up Here. That song has some of the best creative 5SOS lyrics ever. "You're telling me how you love that song. About living on a prayer. I'm pretty sure that we're halfway there." That's art people.

For those who may not be as well versed in classic rock, Livin On A Prayer is a song by the band Bon Jovi. Some of the lyrics are "whoa, we're half way there". That's the reference.

Anyway, this is sort of me getting my feet on the ground writing a first diary entry on here. I'll try to talk about other stuff next time. Have a good day!

P.S. if you're interested in following my daily ramblings about not only 5SOS, but also 1D and whatever else is on my brain. Go follow my main @watchyourattitude.