#here you go. this is from late 2022 and i think i look hot

[camellia-thea]

vampiric

[sabsturned]

M. Sturniolo - Three Doors Down

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comment on this post to be added to my taglist :-)

pairing: matt x fem!reader

contains: angst, mentions of a drinking and smoking parent, crying

summary: you and matt used to be best friends. you were closer to him than anyone else you know, and you’ve always secretly had a crush on him. the day you told him, you guys stopped talking. tonight was prom night, and you had no guys or even friends to go with. all you could do was sit in the corner and watch him dance with his girlfriend, sofia.

a/n: first fic!!! i’m rlly excited about this one. it’s based off of the song ‘three doors down’ by joy. this was my shit in 2022 and i don’t get why it wasn’t talked about more. ALSO I HAVE A QUESTION: what are anons??? also please leave requests for fics!! i’m literally out of ideas. THATS IT!! enjoy the fic :))

key: matt y/n sofia

and i’m in the corner

dying of boredom

catching light from the shine

of his girlfriend’s tiara

me and matt were best friends. me and the boy three doors down. i mean, the best word to describe us was inseparable. we hung out all the time—at school, at home, over the weekends, at parties—everywhere i went, he went, and everywhere he went, i went.

it started when we were both eight years old. i was trying to avoid my mom at all costs because when she drank, she got mean. i went outside, picking all the small white flowers out of the ground. maybe if i gave my mom flowers, she would cheer up, and she wouldn’t hurt me. at least that’s what i thought.

i picked a yellow dandelion, adding it to my bouquet of flowers when i saw a boy around my age riding on a skateboard. he was riding it on circles in his driveway. suddenly the only thing my eyes were looking at was his curly brunette hair. his eyes were a beautiful color of blue. not as deep as an ocean, but not as light as the sky. all i knew was that they were perfect and they consumed me. his cheeks were a shade of red, probably because of the humidity. i’ll never forget the way he looked at me for the first time; the way his eyes lit up, the way his smile widened, showing off the dimple on his left cheek, the way the world around us faded.

his hand slowly moved up, waving at me. my smile grew. i waved back.

whenever my mom started drinking, i just went outside, where he was every afternoon on his skateboard. he tried teaching me to ride it, but i wasn’t very good. we played in his backyard with his brothers and their dog, trevor. sometimes they brought out their sprinkler on a really hot day, and we all just played like kids. i would give anything to be a kid with them again.

when we were in the same homeroom for third grade, we were both ecstatic. we were always partners in group work, always played together at recess, always ate together at lunch. everybody always made fun of us, and assumed we were dating or something. but we didn’t care.

everything was perfect. up until eighth grade. ever since me and matt met, i’ve always kind of liked him. i never really had the courage to tell him, up until the day before our eighth grade dance.

i confessed my feelings for him. i didn’t say much really. i just told him i liked him and asked if he wanted to go on a date. but i don’t think he felt the same.

he said he was busy.

all contact was cut after that. no more late night calls, no more weekend sleepovers, no more study sessions after school.

and it’s all my fault. i ruined everything. if i wouldn’t have said all of that, we wouldn’t have been here. we would have still been friends. we would have gone to prom together. we would have been falling asleep on call together. we would have still been as inseparable as we were when we were kids.

all of this was my fault.

now i’m at prom. the speakers blasted a pop song i don’t know the name of. all of the kids in the room were dancing, jumping around, making out in the bathroom, but i was sitting in the corner.

i would have gone home, but i was trying to avoid being near my mom at all costs. so i was just there, dying of boredom.

i caught a glimpse of her tiara. the plastic gems glistened in the dim light of the room. how was sofia able to wear cheap plastic on her head and still manage to look absolutely beautiful.

i’m so jealous of sofia. she’s a cheerleader. she’s skinny, she’s pretty, she won prom queen, and worst of all, she was matt’s girlfriend. we have had some interactions before, and i hate talking about her negatively because she is so incredibly sweet. like i’ve never met a popular girl so nice. it made it harder to hate her the way i wanted to.

her silky straight hair ran down her back, and her wide smile could light up a whole room. her dress was fabulous too. it was a really pretty shade of lavender, and it was sparkly. it complimented her figure so well. i mean, she looked like an absolute goddess.

her hands were wrapped around matt’s neck as they danced to the slow music playing. it hurt so bad. i should be over matt by now, i mean, it’s been four years. but i wasn’t over him. i wasn’t over his curly brunette hair, his beautiful blue eyes, the dimple that appeared on his left cheek whenever he would smile. i wasn’t over our late night phone calls, our weekend sleepovers, our study sessions after school. i wasn’t over him. and i never would be.

watching them dance together made me sick. the eye contact, how touchy they were. i decided to go get some punch to distract myself. i wanted to go home so bad, but a broken heart was less noticeable than the burn mark of a cigarette.

the loud music drowned out the sound of the punch splashing into the red cup. i turned around to go back to the corner i was sitting in, when a tall figure bumped into me. thankfully, i didn’t spill any punch on my dress.

“oh, sorry. i should have been watching where i was-“ my breathing stopped when i realized who i had just bumped into. his curly brunette hair, his beautiful blue eyes. matt.

“that’s alright-“ he stopped talking when he saw me. “oh, um, hey.” he said, one hand rubbing the back of his neck.

“hi.” i responded.

“you look.. amazing.” he complimented.

“oh, thanks. you too.”

“are you having fun?” no. not when she’s the one you’re dancing with. not when i’m still thinking about you even after all these years.

“yeah, just hanging out with my friends. a night to remember.” i lied.

“yeah.” he laughed.

there was a moment of silence where we just looked at each other. the first time i’ve looked in his beautiful blue eyes in years. the first time we’ve had an interaction in years.

“hey baby, they’re playing my favorite, c’mon!” sofia ran over, grabbing chris by the arm, giving me a small wave before dragging him back to the dance floor.

“nice seeing you y/n.” he voiced, before him and sofia continued dancing together.

i tried to say something back, but nothing came out. i forgot how to speak, i forgot how to breathe. before i knew it, the tears were already falling out of my eyes.

i needed to leave. thankfully, i only live a few blocks from the school, so i could just walk home. the only thing i could think about was how i just needed to be anywhere else but this school.

i shoved open the doors, walking out into the cold rain. it was pouring outside. normally, i really liked rain. me and matt used to lay in the rain together. it’s where we had our most meaningful conversations, and shared our deepest thoughts. but i wasn’t enjoying it right now. every drop felt like cupid pulling an arrow out of me. i rushed home as quick as i possibly could, the rain soaking my hair, and the tears rushing down my face. i actually couldn’t even tell if i was crying anymore. the rain made it hard to tell.

i was able to sneak past my mom so she wouldn’t see i went out. i ran up the stairs and into my room, quietly shutting the door behind me. i let out loud sobs into my hands, my rain soaked body dripping rain into a puddle beneath me. i looked up and saw the picture we made in fourth grade art class together, my sobs growing louder. i looked next to it. a signed baseball from a game we went to together sat on the shelf, along with a scrapbook of our seventh grade summer. suddenly, my room was filled with memories of us. i need to destroy it all.

i took the canvas off of the wall, grabbing my scissors and stabbing it until you couldn’t see the picture anymore. i took the scrapbook off of the shelf, ripping out the pages, cutting them into small pieces. i grabbed the baseball, opened my window, and threw it. i didn’t see where it landed. i was just glad it was out of my sight. i ripped the cards and gifts he made me for my birthdays, and christmas, and valentine’s day, ripping and cutting them up. then the stuffed bear he got me. my favorite animal. i cut that open, ripping out the stuffing. until nothing else was left. i sighed, my sobs growing louder.

i looked down and noticed my heels, stained with punch. the rain should have washed it off. the punch reminded me of him. i must have missed when it fell out of my cup and onto my shoes. i kicked them off, throwing them under my bed.

i looked down at my dress, noticing the color of it. it was the same shade of blue as his eyes. his beautiful blue eyes. i groaned out loud, ripping my dress off and throwing it in my closet. everything reminded me of him. the clothes i wore when we hung out, the sheets we laid in, the desk he sat at while we talked for hours, the rug we sat on when we played board games, the floor, the walls, the ceiling, the window, everything. it was like he was a memory that i couldn’t get rid of.

but maybe this is how it’s supposed to be. maybe we aren’t meant to have late night phone calls. maybe we aren’t meant to have weekend sleepovers. maybe we aren’t meant to have study sessions after school. maybe we just aren’t meant to be. maybe he belongs with sofia. maybe we aren’t supposed to be together, me and the boy three doors down.

angst is one of my favorite things to write. it’s so therapeutic to me. so i hope you enjoyed this and please give me your feedback in the comments! :D

- thanks for reading!! with love, sabrina 🤍🎀

taglist:: @muchloveforhacker @saartjuhh @anonymousmfs @mylove4lana @chrissfavhoe @sturniolo101 @h3arts4harry @hereforthwtripletsfr @pepsixchris @ch3rrywine-reposts @amaliarosewood @gwennybenny @memea32221 @urfavstromboli

[cartierre]

COMO TE QUIERO YO | ln4

SOCIAL MEDIA!AU lando norrix x latina!reader

♡ liked by carlossainz55, felipedrugovich and 264,394 others

lando.jpg cabo san lucas, mexico. summer break 2022

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daniel3.jpg oh la la! ⤷ user1 DANNY HAHAHAHA

user2 does lando have a new girlfriend or am i tripping rn cuz i know this isn't luisa ⤷ user3 how can you tell ⤷ user2 cuz she posted a story where she was in paris with friends ⤷ user4 they broke up like two months ago or so ⤷ user5 i feel sorry for whoever this girl is because she probably is just a rebound ⤷ user6 not y'all assuming about their relationship lmao

♡ liked by daniel3.jpg and 298,420 others

lando.jpg late night shenanigans

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user7 what kind of summer is lando having this boy is out here wilding around

user8 L-LANDO IS THIS ALLOWED ⤷ user9 did he just post some girl's tramp stamp??

daniel3.jpg "summer's" been treating you good mate ⤷ user10 daniel teasing lando through the comments takes the cake ⤷ user11 i just know the drivers' gc is going bonkers rn

♡ liked by 29,310 people

tagged: landonorris

f1wagupdates New girlfriend alarm? Lando Norris was spotted picking up a girl in his McLaren from the airport. Is this the girl he posted multiple pictures of during his trip through Mexico? Many say he was looking for a rebound after his break-up with long term girlfriend Luisinha Oliveira, but does someone fly their rebound out to their hometown? Guess we'll have to stay tuned for more!

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user12 lando is so whipped ⤷ user13 the power of latinas ⤷ user14 amen

user15 he flew her out to monaco after his trip? bro must be in love love ⤷ user16 guess we'll see if he also brings her to bahrain after the summer break is over

user17 i think i found her insta, i'm not sure because lando doesn't follow but her posts align with his' ⤷ user18 okay stalker... what's her @? ⤷ user17 yourusername

♡ liked by 9,293 others

yourusername guess i could get used to frequent trips to monaco

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user18 and we're sure she's not just some girl? ⤷ user19 yeah i mean just because she's mexican and now conveniently is in monaco doesn't mean she's the girl lando's been messing around with

user20 if this is the girl lando's with, geez my boy has some good karma ⤷ user21 yeah like why yould someone as pretty as her sleep with someone as crusty as lando ⤷ user22 wdym 'crusty' lando's actually really pretty ⤷ user23 he behaves like a child

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yourusername tiro caliente (hot shot)

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user24 omg she's dropping some serious hints guys ⤷ user25 the breadcrumps we needed

user26 the orange car? lando? i mean... ⤷ user27 how many people own an orange mclaren. it's obvious at this point it's lando

♡ liked by yourusername, daniel3.jpg and 321,987 others

tagged: danielricciardo

lando.jpg princess treatment after a tough weekend

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daniel3.jpg are you getting the princess treatment? ⤷ user28 i hope lando does lmao

user29 omg yourusername actually liked this post??? ⤷ user30 this is a sign, the sign we've been waiting for. it's her

yourusername the only treatment one deserves ⤷ user31 it'S YOU

♡ liked by landonorris and 21,292 others

tagged: landonorris

yourusername 4 lifers

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user32 i- what ⤷ user33 this was so unexpected ⤷ user34 was it?

landonorris did my pr team give you the go? ⤷ yourusername they love me ⤷ user35 someone tell me if this is sarcasm or not

♡ liked by yourusername, carlossainz55 and 349,394 others

tagged: yourusername

lando.jpg como te quiero yo (how i love you)

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yourusername lando we need to go back to mexico i'm loosing my good tan ⤷ lando.jpg 7 more races until we're back in mexico

user36 yeah okay i understand lando, i'm also in love

user37 still weird how fast he moved on ⤷ user38 he's an f1 driver what did you expect

[senawashere]

Hi could I request something fluffy for Bradley? Maybe he comes home after a bit too many beers at the Hard Deck and is super needy just needs a bit of affection🤭 please take your time, and no rush! You can go wherever you want with this:)

We're on this together...(Chapter VII)

Summary: Cat is out of the bag.

A/n: It took a lot,sorry.. And thank you @promisingyounglady for thus request,i changed it a bit,hope you will like it!!!

Warnings: Infertility,mentions of miscarrige,mentions of hospital,mentions of getting pregnant,mentiones of ivf.Use of alcohol,arguing,use of bad languange. Not so angsty anymore🥹

September 11 2022

If there was one thing Bradley wanted, it was to spend the rest of his life with you.

If there was one thing Bradley definitely wanted, it was to have a family with you.

You wished he was more creative, more romantic, but when your period was late and you started feeling queasy about food, you took a pregnancy test and burst into tears when you saw the result.

You had been trying for this for years and you were exhausted.

Mental breakdowns, crying sessions, crises, fights, negative tests, negative doctor visits and more, it hurt a lot for years.

But one day everything changed.

That test that you were used to seeing as negative came back positive that day.

You were pregnant.

You wished you could create something to share the news with Bradley, but he came running to your screams, his eyebrows pinched together in distress and he ran into the bathroom with a frantic "Baby?!"

You were jumping, holding the test with tears streaming down your face, "We're going to be parents! Bradley, we're going to be parents!"

"What?!" Bradley screamed, his vision instantly blurring as he gasped for air and gasped for air, and he stood up to ground himself from the overwhelming emotions and pulled you to his chest, giving you a bone-crushing hug.

Another thing you'll remember forever.

°•°•°•

Of course you were smart enough to wait nine months, but you didn't expect Bradley to be so protective of you the moment he found out you were pregnant.

"Why are you using the kettle, baby? There's hot water in there."

"Oh no, honey, you're not taking Duke to the park by yourself."

"Don't sleep too close to the side, baby, come here, into my arms."

"What are you doing?! Hell no, you're not even going near the vacuum cleaner."

You could barely breathe as Bradley watched you, his body ready to interfere with you.

God forbid, because right now your baby is lying in your womb sipping on damn cocktails in your bladder.

“What happened? What happened?” Bradley woke up frantically, his sleepy eyes wide and his hair a mess as he leaned towards you.

“Baby, I’m just gonna pee.” you chuckled quietly.

He rubbed his eyes as he got out of bed, muttering, “Okay, let’s go.”

You sat down on the bed, looking at him in shock as he yawned and waited for you.

“Bradley, I’m seriously just gonna pee,” you said, before pointing to the bathroom, “Right there.”

Your husband’s arrogance made him look at you in confusion, “Yeah, I know. Come on then, let’s go and pee.”

You stood up, “I’m not gonna pee while you’re staring at me like a hawk.”

“Okay, I won’t look then.”

“Roo!”

“Whaaaat?” He shrugged at you as he dragged you to the bathroom, looking at you, “I just want to protect you and our baby.”

“I think that’s great, but baby,” you sighed, “Go back to bed and let me pee on my own, okay?”

He wasn’t sure, his eyebrows furrowed as he crossed his arms over his chest in displeasure as he watched you step closer to him, wearing your fluffy slippers.

“Relax, cranky,” you teased, before pressing a kiss to his cheek and heading into the bathroom.

Brad, being Brad, sat on the bed, his eyes glued to the closed door, mentally prepared to rush you if you did so little as whimper.

But minutes later, you washed your hands, yawned, and rubbed your eyes before jumping on your waiting husband.

You shook your head and let out a laugh of disbelief, “I can’t believe you.”

Worse, Bradley wasn’t the only one constantly freaking out and protecting you from the world’s many terrible dangers, and more specifically, TV remotes, vacuum cleaners, and everything else that was going on around him.

But so was Duke.

The little—now big—pup was definitely his dad’s best friend, because Duke’s body had grown and he would be right next to you whenever a family member or friend got too close. If you were all sitting on the couch, Duke’s paw was always on your belly next to Bradley’s hand.

It was enough to make you wonder if Duke was even human.

Bradley shared the news with the squad when you were almost 3 months pregnant:

"She's over there!"

His voice was drowned out by the clinking of glasses and the heavy bass of the rock song playing through the crappy speakers in the corner of the room, but it was still unmistakable. His "greeting" was followed by shouts and howls from the rest of the group, many of whom raised their glasses in honor of your (late) arrival.

"My hot wife!"

Bradley, despite his drunkenness, smiled widely and greeted you protectively, as he had for the last few weeks �� this time he removed your coat and purse, along with any bags or extra weight he had hanging on brass hooks underneath.

You scanned the bar table and his facial expression for any signs of displeasure or concern.

He couldn't pinpoint exactly when he started "dad mode," his tendencies to go into overdrive, but it definitely started that rainy and cold Tuesday night in your shared bathroom as you sat leaning against the wall of the tub with three positive pregnancy tests.

“I wish you would stop calling me that, Brad,” you sneered as he helped you free your arms from your jacket. "One day you'll make a scene."

The drunk man chuckled.

"What can i say,baby?."

You nodded and rolled your eyes at his antics as you turned your attention towards to your soon to be husband and the man of the hour, intending to pull him in for quick hug and a kiss.

“Y/n!”

Despite the loud noise of the bar, you heard a familiar voice. You turned back to see Jake coming towards you both. Approaching Bradley first.

"Hello, birthday boy," Jake's voice was soft against the drunken slur that was beginning to take over Bradley.

"It's not nice of you to be late for my party,"

“Well sometimes traffic can be a pain in the ass,you know that. But here are my two favorite people standing together. Come give me a hug” he slurred, pulling both in rather roughly for a bone-crushing hug.

You managed to squeeze out a giggle between Jake's bone-crushing hug.

You saw Bradley stiffen out of the corner of his eye, as if saying, "Jeez calm down, dude. She's pregnant, for God's sake," or letting the interaction continue.

He knew he wasn't allowed to do the first one because you both agreed to wait until all your friends and family gathered at the same time to tell them the great news, so Bradley let Jake hug you. You hugged extra tight despite his unrealistic, dramatic concerns that he would crush his fragile body or somehow harm the baby. When he released you from his grasp, he made sure to send Jake a reassuring smile.

Your greeting to Penny and Natasha was short and sweet, both opting to kiss you on the cheek.

“Let me see it one more time,” Natasha’s voice was quiet, almost a whisper, over the chatter of the bar.

You felt the heat creep up your cheeks as she took your hand in hers to examine the ring on your fourth finger.

The ring was thin and gold, studded with a single, elegant but large diamond in the center.

“It's beautiful,” she whispered, marveling at the way the jewel floated even in the dim, tungsten glow of the bar.

You mumbled a quiet “thank you” before leading back to the other side of the table. You turned to where Bradley was waiting for you with his arms outstretched, a shit-eating grin on his face.

You caught the wind of tequila on his breath as he wrapped his arms around your shoulders.

You tasted it too, kissing his lips quickly and - oh my god, had he gained weight too? Or was he getting more bulkier? But he looked like a whole damn meal like this too.

"So okay?You did worry me when you said you were going to be late,are you okay now?" Bradley's question was asked in a low voice so only he could hear.

Bradley had been celebrating all day with Jake, Natasha, Javy, Mickey,Bob,Maverick and Penny so this was the first time he saw you since you kissed him and sent him off to work this morning.

You nodded and smiled, but your face made Bradley believe otherwise.

"I felt nauseous when I got home from the office. It took me a little longer to get out the door," he shrugged, implying that it wasn't a big deal but that he didn't feel 100 percent ready to party either.

“Baby,” Bradley half-scolded you, feeling a good portion of his hum leave his body when Y/N said she wasn’t feeling well. Clinging on you like a koala because of the alcohol in his veins.

"Why didn't you tell me you were not feeling good? I would come home and sit with you."

“I wasn't going to ask you to interrupt your best friend's birthday dinner just because I was vomiting for the umpteenth time this week,” you said sternly, making it clear that you were fine.

"I'm fine. I promise."

Bradley's jaw softened at your sentence, the muscles in his torso relaxing from their tense positions.

"Oh! Will you two stop whispering and get drunk with me?!" Jake shouted across the table, bursting the bubble that had temporarily surrounded the couple as both whispered about their sweet little secret they were dying to tell everyone.

“You,” Jake pointed a finger at Y/N’s head. “Don’t be shy. Now,” he pointed at the bartender who was making drinks at the opposite end of their table.

Both you and Bradley chuckled nervously, not sure how to handle the fact that you couldn’t drink without airing dirty laundry.

“I think I need to eat some food before I do that. Why don’t you get some for Bradley,” You grabbed Bradley’s shoulder and pushed him forward, praying that it would be enough to entertain the drunk boy.

“Fine,” Jake glared.

“That’ll make it hard for you to keep up later, though!”

He grabbed Bradley by the bicep and pushed through the crowd to get him liquor, which he was so eager for.

Your conversations with Penny were light, mostly about what they had done today and the bet they had made that Bradley would need to have a ride for the night.

You successfully dodged Natasha’s questions about how the fertility and planning were going,how the doctor was and was it helping your sex life.

“We are trying hard,it is going good,” you replied with a nervous chuckle, the truth being that you were pregnant right now.

It felt like ages before the two of them – Jake and Bradley– returned.

You had chosen the fries and were sipping on the ginger ale Bradley had bought you before Jake came, but you were interrupted when Bradley and Jake returned to the table.

He was drunk.

Quite drunk.

More than tipsy.

Damn he wasn’t even seeing straight anymore.

And you knew it because his body was even warmer and his eyes looked even hazier than before he left.

You definitely imagined them having more than one shot at the bar, but you didn’t have much time to think about it before you felt his arms wrap around your waist and rest on your hips. You returned his touch, wrapping your arms around his shoulders and resting your head on his chest.

“I love you,” Bradley murmured into the soft spot between your jaw and ear, then his hands slid under your shirt to rest on your lower belly.

“I love you too,” you said again.

You could feel him smiling against your skin as he cradled the barely-there baby bump beneath your oversized sweater.

Bradley was the only one who saw you regularly enough to notice the small changes your body was going through. To everyone else, you still looked like plain old Y/N.

“We like you more but if you don’t stop fooling me in the middle of this bar,” You began, speaking light-heartedly and quietly into your ear, “Everyone will know and you won’t understand. You have to be quiet in order to have that announcement party you’ve been planning for weeks.”

Bradley sighed, knowing you were right, and loosened his grip on your stomach, choosing to at least throw an arm over your shoulder to keep you close.

“I know what you’re up to,” Jake and Natasha looked at the two from across the table.

This caught the attention of not only Jake and Natasha, but also Bob,Maverick and Penny. Everyone turned to look at Jake, anticipating what he was going to say next.

“So what’s going on here, Y/n?” Jake asked flirtatiously.

A frown formed on Btadley’s face, his arms quickly pulled up to his chest as he huffed.

“You’re trying to get out of here and leave us alone on your birthday.”

“I guess I’m not even here then. I guess I am just your fantasy then,” Bradley said, rolling his eyes.

“We’re not trying to leave you, man. I promise,” you stuck your pinky out on the table as a gesture of sincerity.

“Besides.” Jake’s drunken chatter was starting to sound rather childish now, and it was getting more and more entertaining by the second.

“We don’t do that, Bangman,” Bradley Replied.

“Liars. Both of you.”Jake threw a bunch of straw wrappers in Bradley’s direction, which bounced off Bradley’s chest and landed near his feet.

They were both heavily intoxicated now, and you didn’t want a fight between them.

“Where could we possibly go, hmm?” Bradley scoffed, resting his chin on the knuckles of his free hand that was resting on the table. "What better thing could we possibly plan than spending time with you on my birthday dinner?"

They watched as Jake fought his remaining sobriety for an answer, but he eventually gave in to his drunkenness and said, "I don't know. You're probably going to fuck each other or something.”

The table burst out laughing and you hid your face in Bradley’s chest because you were embarrassed.

“It wouldn’t surprise me,” Penny said before taking a long sip of her cocktail.

“Look. We’re in agreement.” Jake tried her best to sound serious in his drunken stupor.

“Prove to me that you won’t leave me at here and have another shot,” Jake said like a 5-year-old.

“Dude why the fuck they would leave you here at his own party dinner?” Bob asked but Bradley cut him off. “Fine,” Bradley shrugged. “Let’s go back to the bar then.”

Bradley started to pull Jake towards him but was stopped abruptly.

“No,” Jake said quickly.

“Y/n too. If you both drink, you can’t go home and leave me,” he said proudly, as if it was the smartest idea he could come up with.

“Hangman, maybe she doesn’t want to drink with y-” Bob was cut once again.

“Oh my god Bob stop, she loves drinking!” Jake absurdly said.

He couldn’t even form proper sentences and he wouldn’t listen to anything you said or Bradley or Bob.

You just knew that Jake was sloppy drunk and acting like an idiot like he always did, but you couldn’t help but feel your palms start to sweat.

You couldn’t tell Jake the real reason you couldn’t have drinks with the group tonight, so you quickly tried to come up with another excuse since you’d been stuffing your belly with fries since he’d given you your last one.

But there was no need to think any further when Bradley was helping you with his.

“She can’t do that, man. Now, come on. Let’s get some more tequila. Looks like Nat,Javy and Mickey needs some more too, hmm?”

You pinched your nose in annoyance. He was doing his best to keep this all under wraps, but Jake was making it extremely difficult.

“Who are you? Her guardian? Are you telling her what she can and can’t do?” he shouted.

“No, you fucking nun. She can’t drink because you can’t drink when you’re pregn-”

Damn it.

Bradley covered his mouth before he could finish his sentence, but it was too late. He wasn’t sure what he was thinking when he said it. To be completely honest, he wasn’t even sure if he was thinking.

He silently prayed that neither Jake nor the others would hear him, but when they all looked between him and you with wide eyes, he knew immediately that it wasn’t true.

“Y/N, are you pregnant?” Maverick was the first to speak.

You felt stuck in place, only able to stare at Bradley with a very fast beating heart and an open mouth.

“I, um, I – yeah?” It came out more as a question due to your state of shock.

“I’m so sorry baby,” Bradley cried, turning to you to comfort you.

He was writhing with fear that you were angry with him, but it was mostly the alcohol that made him think that way.

“You have a baby?” Jake’s voice was unusually low compared to how loud he had been shouting earlier.

“Yes. It will be.” You were laughing nervously as you spoke. “I’m sorry Bradley ruined the surprise. We wanted to throw a big party and tell everyone at the same time, but I think the cat’s out of the bag for you.”

You rubbed the palm of your hand over Bradley’s back, silently assuring him that you weren’t mad at him. But the others were in a completely different world.

Jake didn’t say anything, just moved from his position next to Bob to get between You and Brad.

He looked at you both with an expression that resembled both anger and confusion, which only increased your discomfort.

In a split second, he wrapped his arms around both of you and hugged both of you tightly.

“Wow! This is the best news i heard today. Uncle Jake…What the fuck?! This is amazing!!

Now he was wandering around, smiling from ear to ear as he ran to Mickey and Javy, who had lost their minds again, to pull them into a group hug on her own chairs instead of on yours and Bradleys.

Both your eyes locked on each other in the middle of the group of friends and they were forced to be a part of his sandwich.

A smile and a knowing look exchanged between you, and despite not coming out in the most fashionable way, you knew that your precious little nugget would be surrounded by people who loved them very much. Everybody took their time to hug both of you and congratulate you.

By the end of the night, Jake leaned over his knees and placed his icy hands on your belly.

"Hi, I'm Jake, I love you..." He began to kiss her belly in a drunken voice.

"Fuck off Jake, that's enough." You burst out laughing as Bradley shouted from behind you.

"Okay.”

And that's how your pregnancy was revealed…

Few weeks later…

For a few days, it was Bradley and Duke’s normal protectiveness that you had gotten used to, but it wasn’t until Bradley’s mother invited you to a family gathering that Bradley reached a new level.

“Go join the others, okay?” You told him, “I’ll be fine here with your relatives,” and despite not being sure, he did as you asked, but looked at you often to make sure you were okay.

When someone is pregnant, that’s the talk of any sit-down.

“You’re glowing!” Many of Bradley’s family members fawned over your belly and your pregnancy, “Did you find out the sex of the baby?” one woman asked. You said you didn’t because you wanted to know when the baby was born.

All of this was fine.

But.

A lot of hands were constantly touching your belly.

You knew it was good intentions, but you couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable with every hand touching your belly—hands from people you weren’t that familiar with.

Every time someone touched your belly, you tried to take a discreet step back, trying to put your hands on your belly before they did, but it was no use.

Bradley knew you like the back of his hand.

So, in a failed attempt to hide your discomfort, he immediately tried to save you as you stood with a forced smile on your face with 6 of his relatives.

“Hi,” he chuckled, wrapping his arm around your waist before placing a quick kiss on your cheek.

“What if you’re not the father!” A woman joked happily, “We were just giving Y/N tips for the first month when the baby came,” she said before leaning forward to caress your belly, “I think it’s a baby girl.”

You frowned at the touch, taking a slight step back as you also moved closer to Bradley. He understood, wrapping his other arm around your waist, his relative pulling his hand away reflexively,

“Anyway, I’ll be so happy. Can you give us one minute please?” He asked them with a gentle smile before taking your hand in his and letting you both go to a quieter place.

You sighed in relief, caressing your little belly.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” He asked softly, his hands covering your face, “What’s wrong, honey?”

“I just-” You sighed again, feeling overwhelmed with emotions that would make you cry.

“Hey, hey,” Bradley’s mood changed instantly, his eyebrows furrowed as he hugged you, pulling you closer to his chest, “I’m right here, I’m right here.”

“I just,” your husky voice said before you pulled away slightly but still leaned into him, “Everyone keeps touching my belly. Like, all these hands and all these people and some of them are like, some of them are just rubbing it or something or holding it there for a long time so they can feel the baby kick and it just makes me so uncomfortable.”

Bradley nodded as you spoke, looking into your eyes as he began, “You have every right to be uncomfortable, baby, I’m so sorry,” he said softly, “How about we go home, yeah? We can just go.”

“But your mom-”

He shook his head, “My mom will understand, I promise. I care about your comfort more than anything else,” he said. “Let’s go, okay?”

“Okay,” you sniffled.

“Yeah?” He smiled softly and leaned down to press his lips to yours in a soft kiss. “I love you, I’m so sorry.”

“I love you too,” you replied, before sighing, wrapping your arms around him. “And my back really hurts.”

“We’ll go home,” he said as he began to rub your back. “And I’ll massage you until you fall asleep, how does that sound?”

“Heavenly.”

He murmured, “How about I call my mom so you can say goodbye? You don’t have to say goodbye to everyone, I don’t want more people touching you.”

“You mean like I don’t know,” you shrugged, “Isn’t it a bit rude?”

“Fuck it,” Bradley replied instantly, “I can’t risk making you feel any more uncomfortable because someone might think it’s rude.”

And he kept his promise. Bradley called his mom so you could sneak off alone and say goodbye to the relatives.

And then he kept his promise once more because as soon as you got home he was buzzing around like a busy bee, making sure you were happy and comfortable before massaging your back.

“Mmh i love you so so so much,baby”

“Love you too honey.”

Child jake vs dagger squad

I'm tagging people who might be interested: @ohtobeleah @sebsxphia @callsign-fox @greenorangevioletgrass @roosterforme @teacupsandtopgun @floydsglasses @lyn-js @its-dee-lovely @its-the-pilot @friedchips94 @hardballoonlove @topguncortez @bradshawsbaddie @shanimallina87 @djs8891 @themusingofagothicsoul @promisingyounglady @the-romanian-is-bae @mamachasesmayhem @jessicab1991 @iefitzgerald-blog @charcole-grey @waterriseslew @desert-fern @eternalsams @callsigns-haze @promisingyounglady @els-marvelvsp @cevansbaby-dove @atarmychick007 if you are not comfortable please tell me!!

[jikookuntold]

The Untold Truth of "Letter"

Back in 2021, 2022, or even early 2023, if someone had told me about the possibility of JK having vocal credits in Jimin's solo album, I would have called it wishful thinking at best. But it happened, and we got the song "Letter" (AKA Dear Army) as a hidden track in Jimin's first solo album, FACE, with back vocals by JK, and his name written invisibly in the album book.

The perfectly matching vocals of Jikook, with the heartfelt lyrics and soft instruments, undoubtedly made one of the most beautiful songs of the year, which could break many records for Jimin and his album if it was released in the streaming and buying services. The release of Letter as a hidden track in Jimin's solo album raised many questions and debates among Jikookers, and as someone who barely scrolls in the Tumblr app, I know I'm a bit late for the party, but I may or may not have some notes to add to the already made discussions. FYI, these are my analytic views and speculations, I am fully aware that this song has been named "Dear Army", and Jimin called it a "Fan song" on different occasions. So, I do not intend to ignore that and diminish Jimin's expression of love for his fans.

What's a Hidden Track?

Before getting into "Letter", we need to understand what a hidden track is. Well, the definition is pretty clear; When a song is not listed in the official track-list of a music album, but it exists in (some versions of) the physical printed CD, cassette, or LP, it's called a "hidden track". 

Hidden Tracks of BTS

There are several techniques and reasons to "hide" a track in an album, but in the case of BTS discography, the hidden tracks exist for a specific reason, and I'm going to explain it with the only examples we have. The debut album (2013) and Love Yourself: Her (2017), are the only BTS albums including hidden tracks, and if we ignore the skits in each album, "Path" and "Sea" are the only hidden songs BTS ever released. So, these two songs must have something(s) in common and different from the other BTS tracks that caused them to end up as a hidden track. To find that common factor, we need to check their lyrics first:

Path

[Intro: RM] Yeah, wassup? You know, time flows like stars (Check it, check, check, check, check it out) [Verse 1: RM] I started from imitating Eminem, Garion, Epik High To writing my own raps Now I see that I’m already at Hongdae My lyrics back then were all (****) Bossy But we dunno, we dunno When I dreamed without anyone to stop me Reality tied me down and trapped me inside Oh, my youth trapped me My hot heart lost to my cold mind (Damn) As I blindly told myself my decision was right I don’t know whether it’s an angel or a devil, but it says to me "Do you really have any plans to rap properly?" (Yes or no?) I didn’t have more time to hesitate and didn’t want to be stupid So I came here and three years passed by Some say art is long, life is short But for now, art is life Life is sports, just do it, uh [Chorus] If I had chosen a different path, would have I been any different? If I stopped and looked back (Oh hey ya, hey ya) What will I see at the end of this road? Where you should’ve been standing? (Oh hey ya, hey ya) [Verse 2: Suga, Suga & Jungkook] A long time passed and by 2013, I was a trainee for three years I was a high school student who grew overnight (I became a child) White hair grew from my desires and one by one my many friends (Parted ways with me) I spent my time in Seoul alone without a family (That was my third spring) I thought my worries would disappear with my debut ahead of me I closed my eyes to the present that had nothing to change But the reality was different, even as my family and friends tried to stop me I walked into the tunnels that shed no light on my own I thought I would be alone (Why?) As it turns out, there weren’t seven bare feet but we were wearing the shoe named Bangtan We’ll have to go forward, take one more step, become newer And that’s how I spent my fourth spring in Seoul (Whoa) [Chorus] If I had chosen a different path, would have I been any different? (Hey) If I stopped and looked back (Hey) Oh hey ya, hey ya What will I see at the end of this road? Where you should’ve been standing? (Oh hey ya, hey ya) [Verse 3: J-Hope] 2010, the year I walked towards Seoul! I just loved to dance, and now I’m standing on top of the stage Until then, I overcame many pains and scars to prepare myself I survived with my belief to bend, not break, and ran for three years Let the stars inside my heart shine! Now shine on me differently Write “Bangtan” on the paper world I walk my future with more lights on Give a smile to that far future (Ha, ha)

As you can see, the lyrics are simple and self-explanatory, so I guess we don't need any lyrics analysis, and the description section of the Genius translation I used here, says it all:

“길 (Road/Path) follows the member’s decisions to become idols in the Korean music industry. They recall their different upbringings from listening to hip hop in school to the hard years of being trainees under BigHit Entertainment. BTS pose the questions of how their lives would be different if they made a different decision, and they ask themselves what the future entails. A very introspective track about their career for a debut album, BTS display their thought processes as they enter the music scene.”

Sea

[Intro: Jungkook] Oh, ah, yeah [Verse 1: Rap Monster] I just started walking and ended up at the sea I'm looking at the coast from here There's endless sand and the rough wind I'm still looking at a desert I wanted to have the sea so I swallowed you up But I'm even thirstier than before Is what I know really the ocean? Or a blue desert? [Refrain: J-Hope] I don't know, I don't know If I'm feeling the waves right now, yeah I don't know, I don't know If I'm being chased by the sand wind, yeah I don't know, I don't know Is this the sea or the desert? Is this hope or despair? Is this real or fake? Shit [Pre-Chorus: J-Hope] I know, I know, my hardship right now I know, I know, I'll overcome I know, I know, open me up It's the place I can rely on Think positive, I'm swallowing my dry spit Even if I'm nervous, even if I'm in a desert I'm in the beautiful Namib Desert [Chorus: Jimin, Jin] Where there is hope, there is always trial (4) [Hook: V, Jungkook] Where there is hope You know, you know You know, yeah yeah (2) [Verse 2: Suga] I thought this was the ocean but it's a desert A medium-sized, ordinary idol was my second name Countless people get cut from broadcast But someone's empty spot is our dream They say some of these kids can't make it cuz their agency is too small I know, I know, I know too Times when the seven of us had to sleep in one room With foolish hope that tomorrow will be different before we fell asleep We saw the mirage in the desert but we couldn't grasp it Praying that we'll remain in this desert till the end Praying that this isn't truly our reality [Verse 3: Suga] In the end, we reached the mirage and it became our reality The scary desert became the ocean with our blood, sweat and tears But why is there this fear in between the happiness? Because we know too well that this place is really a desert [Refrain 2: Suga] I don't wanna cry I don't wanna rest No, who cares if we rest a little? No no no I don't wanna lose It's always a desert I told you everything Then I'll just be more depressed [Chorus: Jungkook, V] Where there is hope, there is always trial (2) [Hook: Jimin, Jin] Where there is hope You know, you know You know, yeah yeah (2) [Bridge: Rap Monster] Ocean, desert, the world Everything, the same thing Different name I see ocean, l see desert I see the world Everything's, the same thing With a different name It's life again [Hook: V, Jungkook] Where there is hope You know you know you know yeah (2) [Chorus] Where there is hope, there is always trial

Compared to “Path”, we have more innuendos and metaphors in “Sea” because of Namjoon’s lyricism (it was supposed to be in his mixtape at first), but as the description says:

"It discusses the hardships BTS has experienced since debut, particularly struggling to compete with groups from other, larger agencies. In this song, BTS reflects on these hardships, fearing that their global fame and success could leave as suddenly as it arrived."

Common Denominator

These two lyrics have one big thing in common, and it's the topic they are discussing. They talk about the members' struggles, fears, hopes, and dreams career-wise. I was thinking maybe these issues are something they can only share with their longtime fans, not the general public, therefore, they decided to release them as hidden tracks in the physical album for their real fans who buy them, something like the difference between Weverse and Instagram, I guess? Then I realized that’s something Namjoon has mentioned himself to Billboard Magazine, in LYS: Her interview:

And if fans are so lucky to own the physical album, they’ll hear two hidden tracks at the very. Why keep them secretive?

"I think they’re hidden because you have to be a real fan of BTS to understand them. Otherwise, you won’t. Otherwise, you’d like to be, “Why are they feeling so confused about things? They’re good?!? They’re No. 1 somewhere, they have so much stuff, why are they worried?” People always talk about that. But if you are a true fan of BTS and you buy the album and you listen to the hidden track — if you are an Army and we spent time together from 2013, 2014 — they could understand. It’s kind of more special, more closer, to our true hearts"

What about "Letter"?

In conclusion, hidden tracks for BTS, are something between them and their real fans who know about the path they have wended, therefore they can open up to them through lyrics and talk about their fears and struggles and ambitions without being judged or misunderstood. Also, we have to debunk some of the misconceptions going around (especially after the release of FACE) about hidden tracks. For example, some claimed that Letter is made for fans because hidden tracks are always supposed to be “gifts” for fans. This claim obviously can’t be true when you are able to listen to a hidden track legally, only by purchasing the physical album. Gifts are supposed to be free of charge, like Promise, Still with You, Christmas Love, My You, and so on. 

Then what about “Letter”? Why this song is a hidden track in Jimin’s first solo album? Did Jimin want to say something by hiding this track in FACE? To answer this questions, we need to pay attention to the lyrics and how the song was made:

 [Verse 1] What should I say? And how should I convey it? I'm really not getting my words right I know it sounds so clichéd So that it's not taken lightly Let me say it to you properly [Chorus] I say oh-oh, I hope you can be happier You, who stretched your hand out to me whenever I fell I say oh-oh, I'll hold it now (I'll hold it) So when you feel like crying, you won’t fall [Verse 2] After all this time has passed Will we still be the same? Just like we were when we first met, hmm-mmm If we are together, even the desert could turn to a sеa Just like how we were then, oh-hoo-ooh [Chorus] I say oh-oh, I really hope that it’ll last forever You, who felt like a warm spring to me in a cold winter I say oh-oh, I'll always cherish it All those moments between you and I [Refrain] Baby, don't leave Just stay by my side, yeah To you, who see me bigger than what my little self is (to you) So that I can give as much as I’ve received (oh-oh) So that I can keep my word (oh-oh) Don't worry, just stay by my side, yeah (Yeah) We don’t know what the future holds (holds, yeah) And that’s scary and makes us afraid (oh-oh) But don’t forget that we’re always together (don't forget) [Outro] I know it sounds so clichéd So that it's not taken lightly Let me say it to you properly

The Feelings

If you compare these lyrics to "Path" and "Sea" you can clearly see the differences, and except a mention of "sea and desert" there's nothing in common between them. Letter is not a monologue about career issues, it's a romantic song. These lyrics are expressing the feelings and addresses them to an audience and appreciates them. But how was this song made?

According to Jimin, at first, SMF Pt2 was supposed to be the last track of his solo album, but in their YTC promotion and recording era when they announced that they have planned to put their group activities on rest, Jimin decided to express his feelings of the moment through a letter, and turned that letter to song lyrics. Producers liked the song so much and decided to add it in his album and that’s how “Letter” was born. Although Jimin didn’t explain much about those “feelings” and left the conclusion to us like a true artist, we all know that this song is totally different from the other tracks in his album.

All the tracks of FACE are dark and sad. Jimin’s first album is all about himself, and he talks about the painful emotions he had as an artist and a person in the past few year, but with “Letter” there is a different story. Recording Academy admitted this and wrote:

“Though the EP is technically only six songs, the physical version has an additional “hidden” track called “Letter”. The song provides an intimacy that stands out from the other FACE tracks, capturing Jimin in his best form. The lyrics are poignant and vulnerable as Jimin pleads for someone to stay (“Baby, don't leave Just stay by my side, yeah”) The biggest surprise though? Fellow BTS member Jungkook contributes vocals to harmonize with Jimin.”  

A Fan Song?

“Letter” being a “Fan Song” is a stated fact by Park Jimin himself, and there can’t be any arguments about it, but that fact doesn’t mean Jimin made this song with the thought of fans in his head and all about them. In one of my old posts, I said that a faceless crowd can’t be the muse for a romantic song, especially when that song has a "standing-out intimacy".

Another reason for calling "Letter" a fan song, is the fact that it starts at 6:13 of the album, the numbers that remind us of the debut date of BTS. We can't call this a coincidence because we know how thoughtful and punctual Jimin is. But don’t forget that 6.13 is more of BTS time than ARMY time. So, as much as you call this track a song for fans, it can be called a song for his fellow BTS members.

Why JK?

Now, let’s address the elephant in the room. Why JK was a part of this song? Did it mean something for Jimin, or did he have no other options? Jimin said that FACE is an album about himself, and he didn’t feel right about featuring other artists in it, that’s why he decided to record SMF Pt2 all alone and do all the rap parts by himself instead of featuring Yoongi in it. He collaborated with several producers and songwriters (including Namjoon), but there was no featured artist in the whole album.

About the background vocals of the album, he did most parts by himself, and for the other parts, he worked with artists who already had credits in his album, such as BLVSH, Sumin, and James Keys. But JK didn’t have anything to do with Jimin’s album. Jimin was fully capable of doing the background vocals of Letter by himself, as he did for the first parts of the song. Jimin never really explained why he decided to have JK in the song, other than saying their voices match. This known fact doesn’t give us much information, but we can have our speculations. 

Closer Than This?

Another thing that questions the idea of “Letter" being inspired by fans, is the existence of “Closer Than This”. The newest release of Jimin is the exact definition of a fan song, the lyrics are straightforward and directly address the fans and leave no place for speculation. If CTT is the result of Jimin getting inspired by his fans, then “Letter” must be inspired by something different because these two songs are not comparable. 

The difference becomes more obvious when we look at the initial version of the Letter lyrics in Jimin’s drafts. I wonder what the Grammy journalist who called the final lyrics of “Letter” intimate would have said if they read this: 

You hugged me tightly Only you who protected me Hold my hand, hold my hand tightly You who reached out my hand You held out your hand to me

We don’t know what was going on in Jimin’s mind when he wrote these, but we can see that the initial lyrics have been moderated, and the intimate parts, which clearly refer to a person, didn’t end up in the final lyrics. FYI, I’m doing a lyric analysis here, and this is not a complaint or conspiracy theory because Jimin said that he liked the way the final version came out, and it's all that matters.

For Fans, Not About Fans

So far we made it clear that "hidden tracks" are not about fans, they are for fans like any other BTS song, but the hidden tracks are a secret between the artist and the fan, something that only the true and dedicated fan can understand, and this applies to Jimin's "Letter".

Jimin gave up on many records for streaming and buying by releasing this song as a hidden track in his album. So, there must be an important message in this song that he wanted to convey to the true fans. He did his share of being thankful to fans by CTT, and I don't think he needed to do it twice in a year.

Maybe you prefer to think Jimin just made this song for ARMY and hid it in the album as a surprise or because it didn’t match with the whole concept of FACE, and you might not be wrong about any of that. But, don’t forget that he didn’t explain anything about this, and we both are just making assumtions.

Yes, maybe Jimin didn't acknowledge JK being a part of Letter in his promotion era, but JK did everything he could for his share. A few hours before the release of FACE, he started a live and played a part of it with his guitar, and months later, he watched Jimin's live performance for Festa while harmonizing with it and reminding us that he knows the lyrics very well. In Jimin's documentary he was very supportive and even teased for a live performance with him in future.

Why Just Jikook?

Jimin and Jungkook are not the only members of BTS. But I don't know why everytime Jimin or JK do something with romantic undertones, the fans (OT7 ARMYs, to be more specific) immediately try to label it as "About ARMY". I usually don't see this energy with the other five members. I'm perfectly sure they are also very grateful for ARMY, they have released several songs about them, and they would have loved to collaborate in a fan song with Jimin, too.

Then why Jimin only included JK in Letter? Why he wanted to sing for "ARMY" with him? Unless we assume Jimin's gratitude towards ARMY has connections with JK, and I don’t even want to bring up 2019 "I am army" jokes. But "Letter" is the song the most optimistic Jikookers didn't expect to exist. You may try to ignore and normalize it, but you can't deny the fact that Letter proved Jikook's unbreakable connection as two harmonic colleages, long time friends, and inseparable souls.

[roger-that-cap]

delicate

bradley bradshaw x fem!reader

warnings: cheating (it’s not bradley who does it but it is on the reader), slight emotional cheating, alcohol use, uh that’s it really! unedited as always!

word count: 4.4k

summary: bradley bradshaw has a best friend. he is also in love with his best friend. it’s a shame that everything’s just a little too delicate to mess with.

the way that i’m actively participating in this fandom is literally so funny to me considering i swore off posting my work in any fandom in like 2022 but here we are. my obsession with the white man with the mustache cannot be thwarted by words of the past. or the man with the cute glasses. or the cocky one with the toothpick. but we’ll take it one day at a time

also this is inspired by delicate by taylor swift ofc 🤪 this is for all my lover girls/boys/friends who want hot guys to dream of them. we are cut from the same cloth and we are two sides of the same coins.

Bradley Bradshaw was an outgoing guy. He was the guy that stopped the music just so that he could put on a show of his own. He was the guy that walked in late, expected attention, and got it. He was the guy that took other people out of their shells. He was confident in a way that was endearing. He was steady on his feet and he never faltered.

Until he met you.

The first time he saw you at the Hard Deck, he was intimidated. You were having so much fun on your own with your little group, clearly civilians who ended up in a bar full of sharks in uniform. That first night, all he did was look from afar.

The second time he saw you, your group was a little smaller, but you were still sporting that same smile. He was close enough to hear you turn a few men down over the course of the night, and that was enough to throw him off again. If it was meant to be, he’d see you again, he thought to himself.

And then he saw you again.

It was the night Penny finally put a karaoke machine in the bar. Bradley managed to convince all of the squad to come, simply because he scheduled himself for at least 3 songs. So they all showed up, and just as he was about to start thinking of what his opener was going to be, the bar music stopped and the karaoke machine started playing, accompanied with girly laughter.

There you were. Standing right at the front of the room with sunglasses over your face and a mic to your lips, fighting a smile as you started a one woman rendition of “End Game” by Taylor Swift.

It was clear by the grin on your face that you were doing it purely to make your friends laugh. He watched you in awed silence, dancing all over the small space and laughing when you took a misstep.

“She’s more ballsy than even you, Bradshaw,” Hangman said, nodding up to you dancing. “Or maybe the word is obnoxious.”

“She’s so cute,” Natasha said, laughing. “I love it.”

“Big reputation, BIG reputation,” you were saying into the mic, leaning halfway over.

“I’d have to be so drunk to do that,” Bob muttered to himself, but even he couldn’t deny the guts it took to go up there even as a joke.

The song ended, and you kindly handed the mic to the man standing at the machine, a sheepish look on your face until you were surrounded by your laughing friends.

“You gonna top that, Bradshaw?” Jake asked, and then Bradley looked over at you again, still smiling.

“I’ll let the bar cool down and prepare for me,” Bradley said, still looking over at you. It was then that Jake caught him.

“Why don’t you go talk to her?”

“Huh?”

“You should talk to her,” Jake repeated, and Bradley frowned at him. “She's pretty. Looks nice enough.” There was a pause, and then that ever-mocking smirk that came to haunt everyone’s dreams. It meant Jake was up to something. “Or I will.”

So, he did. He walked up to you, thinking it couldn’t possibly be that bad. The worst thing you could do was say “no”, and he would take that in stride. He never had to before, but he would if it meant he could just talk to you. Just see.

He was walking up to you, coming from behind, and then it was like you knew he was coming, because you whipped right around. And then he caught your eyes and all he could say was, “I love your hair.”

He kicked himself in that moment, but he realized afterwards that was probably what saved him. It was a strange comment, but it was better than a sleazy one. It was probably the only reason you didn’t tell him to leave you alone right away.

“Thanks!” You looked him up and down, but it wasn’t super flirtatious- you were just looking, like you were searching for a genuine compliment to give him. You just looked so sweet. “That mustache and shirt combo is awesome. I wish I could pull off colors like you.”

And that was the story of how you and Bradley became close friends. In the beginning, he told himself that he was okay with being just friends with the pretty middle school teacher. He was totally okay with you having a boyfriend, because he was your friend, and only that. But every time he saw you smile and laugh or how passionate you were while creating your lesson plans, he couldn’t help but know that he was lying to himself.

It didn’t help that your boyfriend was a piece of shit. Originally he wasn’t one outright, it was just the little things. He walked on the wrong side of the sidewalk. Bradley witnessed him make you split the tab at the bar. He had a wandering eye. He touched you only when another man got close, almost like he was guarding a treasure rather than protecting the love of his life. It was all wrong, and it all left a sour taste in Bradley's mouth.

The sour taste only got worse when five months into knowing you, that same good for nothing boyfriend of yours got another girl pregnant.

Bradley could have sworn that he was going to get discharged for beating up an enlisted man the first time he heard the news. You were crying, bawling your eyes out over the phone in the middle of the night, crying so hard you were nearly throwing up. You told him that you were calling him because you had nowhere to go and you had to get out of your house. He didn’t blame you. In fact, he had never driven so fast.

So, you stayed at his house that night. One night turned into three, and then three nights turned into a week, and it snowballed from there. At first, it was easy to hide his feelings. You were sad, and making a move was the last thing on his mind. All he wanted was for you to feel better, and soon you eventually did. But his selfish mind almost wished that you never had, because the second you started smiling again in his house, in such close quarters to each other, he felt his resolve slipping.

He felt the words coming on the tip of his tongue every morning. You left earlier than him to go to your classroom and set up, and you always left coffee out for him. Sometimes you made his eggs if you had enough time. You made dinner more often than not, insisting on doing that if he wasn’t going to charge you for staying with him. And then you would pick the best movies and you liked the ones he picked, too. You sang in the shower and the bathroom you used always had makeup and face wash and a comb in it, but you still kept it neat. The words were close to escaping his mouth, but when he clamped his teeth down and held it in, it made that same sour taste that your boyfriend did.

That very sour taste in his mouth was there at the bar when he realized he was watching you far too often for it to be friendly. The last thing he wanted to do was make it seem like he was trying to make a move on you while you were clearly still trying to get over what your ex had done.

“You’d better get your girl, Bradshaw,” Jake drawled, and Bradley rolled his eyes.

“She’s not my girl and she’s a grown woman, she can do what she wants,” he said tiredly, his voice so monotonous that the words sounded rehearsed. He knew that all his friends knew that they were, and it seemed like everyone but you had caught on to the hopeless romantic act he was hiding.

“Well, she never drinks and she doesn’t look like she’s handling it too well.” And then Bradley’s head whipped to the side, just where he knew you were.

Just as Jake said, you were walking up to the karaoke machine, an equally drunk Natasha by your side as you looked through the selection, no doubt about to pick something obnoxious. You weren’t as alert as you usually were, and it worried him. You hated being out of it, that’s why you never drank. He walked up to you quickly, knowing that if you started a song there was no taking you away until it was over.

“Hey, sweetheart,” Bradley said from behind you, and he saw your shoulders tense. “I think it’s time to wrap it up.”

“Wrap it up?” You slurred, looking up at him with those pretty eyes that always made his heart skip a beat. “Wrap it up?!” Natasha grimaced at you and then at him, already knowing exactly where it was going. “You know who didn’t wrap it up-”

“It’s okay, that’s not what he meant,” Nat rushed out, turning to look at Bradley. Natasha was one of those that could be four times over the legal limit and no one would no. He envied her in that regard. You were clearly the opposite.

“I just wanted to sing a song,” you said, poking Bradley’s firm chest. “You gonna let me sing a song, Rooster?” There was something about the way you said his callsign that had his cheeks going red. You always called him Bradley, except for when you had that one look in your eye, the one that really had him biting his tongue. “You gonna get off that perch and sing with me?”

“I think it’s time to drop you off at your place,” he assured you without even thinking, but he immediately wanted to swallow his own words when Natasha shook her head rapidly.

“I got kicked out,” you hiccuped, giving him a pointed look. “I sleep in your bed, remember?” You had no idea how much he wanted that to be true.

“Not in my bed,” he corrected quickly when Natasha’s brows shot upward. “In my house.”

“Well, you should probably take her home before she starts a song,” Nat whispered. “She was about to pick “Cowboy Casanova”, that was going to be a disaster.”

He chucked a bit as he touched your arm, his heart fluttering as you looked up at him with your pretty, expressive eyes. His laugh died in his throat. “A-are you ready?”

“Do I get a Bronco ride?”

“You sure do,” he said, and then you two were walking out in the night.

It was easy to get you in the car. You were an easy drunk, just loud. He buckled you up easily and shut the door as you started your own rendition of some Taylor Swift song you had probably told him to listen to.

After your song ended, the ride was quiet. He was happy with the quiet. He was happy because that meant he didn’t have to open his mouth to talk, which meant that he could physically roll his lips shut. Closed lips meant that there was no possibility of him saying something and fucking up a good time. But he couldn’t ignore the fact that you were grinning from ear to ear.

“You’re all smiles now,” he couldn’t help but point out, and he saw you turn towards him.

“You make me smile,” you said easily, still drunk, but it made his heart skip regardless.

Once again, the ride was quiet besides the purring of his Bronco and the occasional blinker noise. Even the music was turned down, but your head was bobbing to some imaginary beat. He couldn't help but make himself see this as a nicer moment than it really was, as a sweeter moment. In reality, he was taking you home because you were about to drunkenly sing a Carrie Underwood song that was going to have you feeling humiliated by the morning. In his mind, he was simply taking you home and making sure you got inside safely. In his mind, it was a simple night, free of drama. There was certainly no cheating boyfriend and no tears.

“What do you dream about?”

Your quiet yet certain tone broke the tension in the atmosphere of his Bronco. “What?”

And then you spoke again, somehow sounding completely sober. “What do you dream about, Bradley?”

“Uh,” he said, feeling his cheeks get a little pink. “I guess it depends.”

“Sometimes I can’t help but wonder-” a small burp escaped your lips— definitely drunk—, “do you ever dream of me?”

His heart stopped. He was so glad you were drunk. There was no way you were going to be able to remember the way he uncharacteristically stuttered or didn’t respond for a few seconds. There was no way you’d remember the flush of his cheeks under the bright light.

“W-what?”

You seemed deadly serious. “Do you ever dream of me?”

“I…” almost to his place. Almost to his place. “I think about you a lot,” he settled on saying, his voice much higher than usual.

“Thinking is nice. I can take thinking as the answer. At least thinking is on purpose,” you reasoned with yourself, seemingly to have forgotten he was even there to begin with. “But dreaming is different.”

He was intrigued. His heart was racing, and his hands felt sweaty on the steering wheel. “How so?”

“Dreaming is you being unable to escape a thought,” you said, and he wondered just how you were managing to get your point across so easily while being so smashed. “Dreaming of someone would mean that you think of them even when you’re not thinking. Your subconscious mind lies with them. It’s deeper.”

You were right. He hadn’t thought about it that way, but you were right. There were plenty of things that he swore he was over that he still had nightmares about and every time they happened, he had to face the music.

“I guess what I’m trying to say is that I really hope you think about me enough to see me in your dreams.”

He couldn’t say anything. What was he supposed to say? That he certainly did, and that every free moment his mind had meant that it was a free for all full of you and everything about you? Hell, he had once even thought about what your next classroom theme could be. You were that embedded into his mind.

“Wait, is it cool that I said all that?” You asked, blinking up at him slowly as the car came to a stop in your driveway. “I just get really in my head sometimes, sorry if I ruined tonight,” you said, shaking your head with a huge smile, as if you didn’t just rock his entire world in a ten minute drive. “Okay, goodnight.” And then you were jumping out of the car.

“Woah,” he called, racing around from his side and picking you up off the ground. You were laughing, clearly not aware that you had just fallen all over the cement of his driveway. You held onto his arm as he walked the both of you up to his front door, and you almost tripped on a crack in the cement.

“My keys.” You had them in your hand, and for a second, he just watched you calmly struggle with that stupid little smile on your face, like you had all the time in the world as the key kept missing the hole that it didn’t even belong to. “Maybe it’s the wrong door.”

He couldn’t help but laugh when he took the keys from you, already halfway forgetting your conversation from earlier. He held onto your keys as he unlocked his door with his own. He opened the door easily and let you in, prepared to tell you goodnight and go right to his room and try to forget the other was right on the other side of the wall, like you two had done so many times before.

“Where ya going?” Before he could even answer, you frowned at him. “You’re ditching me?”

He turned back around. “Do you need help?”

“I’m a big girl, I can take my dress off,” you said with a grin. “But I- I don’t know. I don’t wanna be alone yet.”

“Okay,” he breathed out. “Okay, you don’t have to be alone.”

And so you weren’t. He stood at the doorway of his guest bathroom, the one that had the makeup and pink towel and even a pink rug. He had given up the space to you without second thought, and as he watched you dart around in it and start to take your hair down and take your makeup off, he couldn’t help but feel his heart swell. You looked so comfortable in his house. It was all he ever wanted wrapped up in just one moment.

“Do you wanna know what broke me the most?” You asked out of the blue as you started to wipe your lipstick off, eyes connecting with his in the mirror. You took a deep breath to wind up for the next round of words even without his response. He knew that you were going to talk regardless. It was one of the things he loved about you.

“I wasn’t even sad about the fact that he cheated. I was happy.”

He was thrown on his ass again by you. You had a habit of taking his breath away more than once a day, probably once every two hours or so to be exact, but this was different. You were pulling no punches. You were throwing hand grenades in the form of words tonight, and he wasn’t even sure you were aware of it.

“It gave me an excuse to leave him. But then there was three or so moments and I realized the reason I was okay with it was because I was finally free of guilt, because the whole time I was with him- I’m an awful person,” you started sobbing and you let yourself sink to the floor, sitting on the pink rug. His brows lifted to his forehead for a split second before he went right down to the ground with you, and his hand found your skin and your back soothingly.

“You’re not a bad person, not even close.” He shook his head. You were an angel. He was genuinely convinced of that.

“I wanted you the whole time.” you slurred, eyes wide but not as present as he wanted them to be. Not while you said the exact words that he had been harboring since what felt like the beginning of time. “Almost ever since I met you. And I can’t help but feel sick when I think about how what he did is my karma.”

He was in shock. He didn’t know if he was more surprised about the fact that you were being so open about something that he was so hush-hush about, or about the fact that you said you wanted him. You wanted him. This was something out of his wildest dreams- just as you had predicted. And then he crashed back down to reality and realized you were drunk off your ass in a party dress, so fucked up that your legs were going every which way and your lipstick was smeared.

“Nothing happened, you didn’t do anything wrong,” he said quietly, ignoring the fact that his stomach felt like it was doing a Simone Biles level floor routine.

“But I would’ve,” you admitted, “if you had given me the sign.” Your bottom lip wobbled, and then you were full on sobbing. “I’m a disgusting person. Awful. Oh my god,” you whined, hands over your face as you hyperventilate on his wooden floor.

You were fucked up.

You were so gone, there was no denying that. He forced himself to let the words go in one ear and out the other, and when he took a few deep breaths of his own, he realized that you were still crying.

“You’re not a bad person, I promise.” You didn’t say anything, but after a few moments, he was sure you weren’t going to change your mind. “I think you’ll feel better if we cleaned you up.”

Your mascara was running, your lipstick was still smeared, and you kind of looked like a hot mess, but you were still gorgeous to him. You always would be. You didn’t say anything, and he took a makeup wipe from the counter and without a word started to wipe your face.

It was a silent exchange. Probably because the both of you were too scared to say much else. You let him wipe your face off and then he helped you stand. You let him take your heels off for you. He left for a few seconds and came back with some of your clothes, the nice pajamas he knew you liked to sleep in, and then started the shower and left. You were in and out.

When you were all done, he was sitting at the table. It was late, but he was drinking a beer with his back turned to you. He heard you clear your throat, and he had to stop himself from jumping.

“Goodnight,” you said quietly, and when he said it back, he heard you turn around and walk back to the room he had given you, and the door hut.

He wasn’t going to sleep well at all.

§§

It was Sunday morning. The worst morning for this situation to be happening. If it was a weekday, you would’ve already been gone, at least. He would have had the whole day to think about how to go about it. But it was Sunday morning, and neither of you went to church. You were stuck.

He didn’t expect you to be up. He knew that he could probably walk to the kitchen and be in the living room for most of the morning without you coming out. Your hangover had to be awful. So, he padded out of his bedroom, rubbing his face and going straight to the coffee pot.

That already had coffee in it.

“Hi.” His entire posture changed.

How he had entirely missed you sitting at the table, he didn’t know. But there you were, a cup of coffee in your hands and a small smile on your face.

You were beautiful. He didn’t know how you didn’t look like you were hit by a bud considering how messed up you were last night, but how could you ever? You always looked so out together and so cute. Of course you could smile with a hangover.

“Good morning,” he said, his raspy voice coming out surprised. He was looking at you cautiously, not quite sure if you remembered what happened. “How’d you sleep?”

“Like a baby,” you said, now you were grinning. “It was so nice. Peaceful.” He decided that you definitely didn’t remember a thing, and he relaxed.

He ignored the wave of sadness that came with the loss of tension.

“What about you?” You asked, genuinely wondering, and he sighed. “You have any dreams?” He took a look at you from over the coffee mug he was drinking from. “You know I minored in psych, I love dreams.”

“No, no dreams,” he said, trying to shut out that whole conversation from last night. “I just can’t believe you’re waking up so… happy. Everyone but me and Bob was so drunk.”

“I had a rough night? I cried a lot, huh?” You asked, and he almost laughed in wonder. How did you not realize that he was literally in love with you? How could you forget that the words you said last night were probably the most important ones he had ever heard?

“Yeah, but it’s okay. Everyone has a rough night every once in a while. I’m surprised you don’t have a headache or anything.”

“Yeah. It’s probably canceled out because of the lack of stress I feel now,” you said, and he nodded his head when he assumed that you were talking about shedding the skin of the man that was holding you back. “It was real nice to get all that off my chest.”

He froze.

You were just drinking from your mug, making annotations in your book. He was staring at you with wide eyes as he tried to understand what to make of what you just said. “Thanks for taking my makeup off, too. That would have ruined my skin progress.”

Holy shit, you remembered everything. “What?”

You had to be playing with him. There was no other way. You finally shut your book, and then you leaned forward on your hands and looked at him with your eyes, one of his biggest weaknesses. “I meant everything I said, Bradley.”

“You remember?”

“Yeah, I always do,” you said, shrugging your shoulders. “That's why I don’t drink. I do things I normally wouldn’t but I never have the luxury of forgetting, so I always wake up embarrassed.”

Did you realize that you were holding his heart in your hands? “Are you embarrassed now?” Please don’t be embarrassed that you said those things. Please don’t be embarrassed because they’re not true. God, let it all be true.

“Only if you want nothing to do with me,” you said softly, looking at him with such vulnerability that it made his heart skip a beat.

“Are you kidding?” He finally said, and he knew then that you were right about letting the feeling lift off of his chest. “You’re in my dreams almost every night, that’s gotta count for something.”

You made the first move to get to him. He realized then that you were a master at making the first move- he had only done it once (after striking out twice) but you had done it twice in two days. And then you were all in his space, breaching it with a certain confidence that made him weak in the knees. It made him want to hold you and hold onto you.

“Almost?” you asked, and as he looked down at you from so close up, he knew what he had already suspected to be true; he was a goner. “I want every dream.”

“Who would I be to deny you?” And then he made a move of his own, kissing you and effectively tying the score 2-2.

*******

AH

[watermelonsugacry]

Hii! I don't know if i didn't check properly if you had written it, but when is their weddingggggggg, are the 1d members invited or is it an intimate gathering!?!?!?! i need to knowwwww!

Forevermore

A/N: SINCE 2010 ficmas day 5! sorry for the super late post again, im so bad at this lovies 😅 but she's finally here and probably one of my most favorite chapters in YNrry's story!!

SUMMARY: YN and Harry finally (and secretly) tie the knot in her hometown surrounded by their closest friends and family on their anniversary. Here is where they reminisce a couple of Christmases back when they officially became a couple along with some unexpected circumstances. (8.7k)

GENRE: 1dbandmember!yn

SINCE 2010 masterlist // ficmas 2022 masterlist

"YN!" The couple looks up towards the front door to see a very excited Penny on the porch. The two bark out a laugh as they see the woman with her hands in the air, her hips shimmying from side to side before making her way down the porch steps. YN meets her step mum halfway and they join each other in a tight warm embrace. 

After YN and Harry wrapped up their last shows of the year for their world tours, it was time to pack their things and fly over to Doncaster for their small, secret wedding. They’ve done their best acting work yet in keeping their engagement away from the public eye for almost a year and it was finally time to fulfill their promise to become husband and wife on their anniversary.

After some careful planning, the couple ultimately decided to have their wedding at the Tomlinson’s family home right in the backyard with a few selected guests outside of their immediate family members. 

"Hey mum," YN mumbles into the older woman's shoulder.

"Oh, it's so good to see you, my baby," Penny reaches out, gripping Harry's wrist to pull him into the group hug as well. YN’s stepmum has so many wonderful and cheerful qualities about her but the one thing that Harry loves the most about the love of his life's mum is that she never fails to make someone feel so welcomed.

"Ugh, you're here. You both are finally here. And you mister," Penny pulls back to shove a playful finger at Harry's chest. "I haven't seen enough of you in a hot minute."

“Been a bit busy with work and everything but never too busy for you, Pen,” He gives the older woman a charming smile. Penny squeals and pinches at Harry’s cheek.

“Yeh too sweet, can’t get enough of you!” Penny hooks her arm through with her daughter's and walks back towards the grand house, "Harry leave those bags there in the car. I'll have Louis and the boys come out and help you with that so if I see you carry them inside I'll smack yeh. Come on!"

As they walk up the rest of the gravel driveway, Harry can't help but think back and reminisce on the night he took YN to his mum's house for Christmas almost four years ago in 2019.

...

Harry opens YN’s car door as she carefully tries to take off her seatbelt while simultaneously trying to keep a homemade cookies bag from toppling over. 

While YN spent Christmas Eve/Louis’s birthday with the rest of the Tomlinson clan, aka her family, she couldn’t possibly deny Anne invitation to spend Christmas day with the Styles. It was a new experience for her spending this holiday away from her family, but she was more than happy to comply with her best friend’s mom’s wishes. 

After spending two months in Malibu earlier in the year, and after having having a much needed talk with Harry about their feelings for one another, they’re still trying to navigate how to go through with their acts of devotion towards one another. As much as it hurt the both of them to end their relationship once more, they decided to do the healthy thing for once and focus on themselves and their mental health first before pouring out everything they have toward someone else. 

It turns out that their crisp trepidation was too heavy to simply shake off so quickly.

Their friendship, however, could never be tossed aside.

When she closes her door with her hip, she can hear Harry close the backseat door and he holds the Christmas gifts they brought for the Styles family. Anne’s house reminded YN so much about her stepmum’s home: a tiny little cottage-like home with a vast amount of greenery surrounding the area. It instantly brings a smile on her face and makes her feel at home being away from home.

“Hey um,” YN looks up at Harry as they walk up his mother’s driveway. “I just want to say that I really appreciate you being here. I know you spend this time with your family so I just wanted to say that it means a lot that you’re here with me. You really didn’t have to.”

“Well, remember I’m only here for Anne,” YN jokingly reminds her friend.

“M’being serious though.”

“So am I.”

“YN,” Harry stops them as the reach the front door. Due to Harry's hands being full, she takes the liberty to reach out and ring the doorbell. “Look, before we go inside, there's something I need to tell you...”

“I’m all ears.”

“I-”

“YN!” Anne's voice breaks through the space and she’s instantly lighting up from the older woman’s energy. Anne wastes no time pulling her in for a hug while Harry is left hanging in nervousness. “Merry Christmas, hun.”

“Merry Christmas, Anne. It’s been so long,” YN says over her shoulder. She’s missed her so much more than she realized as she almost gets emotional at her embrace.

“Too long. It’s a crime that Harry doesn’t bring you along when he comes home,” The two women look over at Harry but YN notices how he quickly puts a smile on his face. She slightly furrows her eyebrows at his actions but before she can fully question him, Gemma comes out from the hallway and walks towards the three of them.

“Hey you,” Gemma immediately wraps her arms over YN’s shoulders.

“Hey Gem. How’ve you been?” The two of them sway quickly back and forth for a second before pulling away.

“Great now that you’re here. Hopefully my brother hasn’t been giving you much trouble,” Gemma says while nodding her head to Harry. When she looks back at Harry again, she sees his mum helping him with the gifts they brought. He looks up at her again as well and smiles a closed lipped smile, they kind where his dimples don’t dig into his cheeks in the way she likes. 

What’s up with him?

“Never. Oh—” YN quickly remembers the big ziploc bag in her hand. “Me mum made cookies earlier today and she wasn’t gonna let me come over here without bringing you all some.” 

“Aw, you all are too sweet. I love that pretty Penny to death,” Anne gushes as she takes the bag from her extended hand and beckens YN and her son to come further into the house. “Make yourself at home, YN. I’ll introduce you to the rest of the family and later we have some games we’re going to play. So bring your A-game, the Styles are very competitive—not like you don’t already know. Especially these two,” Anne points to her two children.

“Well m’not one for losing either, Annie, so they better have their guards up,” YN smirks and the two women pretend to be baffled before they all break out into chuckles. “And I will, thank you.” 

When Anne and Gemma both walk and disappear further into the home, YN turns to Harry and begins to take off her shoes. “You alright, babe? You look a little pale,” She puts the back of her hand to Harry's forehead just to make sure. Harry shakes his head and softly grasps her hand in his.

“Yes...well maybe? I dunno, really,” He lets out a nervous chuckle and it only makes her more concerned. “I just need to let you know that—”

“Uncle Harry!” A little boy YN recognizes to be one of Harry’s few nephews comes running up to the two of them and Harry is quick to put a bright smile back on.

“Hey, look at you! You’re so big now,” Harry wraps his arms around the back of the boy’s legs and lifts him up. “You’re a full-fledged adult now, aren’t yeh? Look at that mustache on your lip. See that, babe?”

“Oh yeah,” YN plays along with Harry’s teasing. “Might need a trim soon, for sure.”

The young boy laughs when Harry wiggles his fingers under the little boy’s armpits before setting him down. Soon after, the little boy is dragging his uncle further into the house and into the living room announcing how he needs to show him all of the new toys Santa brought him last night. When Harry gives her a shrug of his shoulder with yet another tight-lipped smile as he gets whisked away, she’s left wondering what he needs to tell her so badly.

...

When Harry trails behind his fiancée and her mum inside the Tomlinson house, the sound of chatting and commotion fills the spacious living room instantly. 

“Aunt YN!” A little carbon copy of Louis comes running to up YN and he tightly wraps his arms around her torso.

“Freddie! Aw you’re too big now, lad. Almost didn’t recognize yeh. How are you, little man?”

Harry happily looks on at how the Tomlinsons come up to hug and greet YN before they get to him. YN can’t help but coo when Lottie carries in her new baby, she does her secret handshakes with each of set of twins and warmly greets the older Tomlinson grandparents. As Harry finishes greeting Lottie’s boyfriend, he fondly looks at how her and Louis give each other a kiss on the cheek before staying in their embrace for a minute longer than she did for the others.

“Why didn’t no one tell me one of my favorite girls is finally here?” Anne quickly wraps her arms around YN as soon as she pulls away from her childhood best friend's hug. 

“Should I be offended that my mum hugged my fiancée first and not me?” Harry hurtfully yet playfully asks his old band mate.

“Deeply,” Louis jokes before pulling him in for a hug, patting him heavily on the back. “S’good to see you, man. Ready for the big day?”

“He’s been ready since he was practically sixteen,” Gemma interrupts with a sassy smile. “He’s gonna have to blow the dust off the paper he wrote his vows on from how long ago her wrote them—hey!” His sister laughs when he gives a playful (yet very real) shove to her head.

...

The night has been a blast so far. The Styles family were much like Penny and the Tomlinson’s in how family is at the core of their lives. After getting introduced to the few family members she didn’t know, they quickly accept her like they’ve known her all their lives.

Harry can see just how naturally good she is at everything. She wins over the grumpy grandparents who only seem to smile once a year and now has them doubled over in laughter. She’s a fierce competitor at all of their family games and doesn’t hold back from her brutal skills as she goes head to head with him over a play of some guessing game. When it’s time to set the table, she’s quickly removing herself from her close spot next to Harry to help Anne with anything she needs.

“Well, she certainly seems like a lovely girl,” Gemma says lowly once she’s slid on over next to her brother. “Very companion worthy.” When she sees him start to pinch worriedly at his bottom lip, she gives him a sympathetic smile, “Still haven’t told her yet, huh?”

“No, and neither will you.”

“You’re gonna have to tell her, H. You have to tell one of them or else it’s just gonna blow up in your face,” His older sister reasons. She’s right, and he knows that she’s right.

“I will,” Harry lowers his voice when he sees YN and his mum come out of the kitchen with plates of food in their hands as they go about setting up the dining room table behind him.

It startles him when he feels two hands on his shoulders and he feels a smile creep onto his face when he feels the side of YN’s face press up against his, “Dinner is officially served. Come on, your mum wants you to sit next to her, and I want to sit next to you.”

With a squeeze of his shoulders, Harry feels giddiness zip through him at her comment and ignores the knowing look his older sister gives him as he gets up from the couch.

...

As everyone gets settled in—mums hustling in the kitchen, little ones running every which way, and the older children talking among themselves in the living room—Louis and YN take a moment to sit outside together away from all the chaos. The backyard was essentially all set for tomorrow. As the two sit on one of the couches of the spacious backyard, in front of them sits two sections of seats, a walkway in the middle and an altar made of branches awaits at the end. The arch of the altar is filled with white flowers. 

The couple was thankful that the England weather was relatively warm this year as there was barely any snow in sight. 

As the two stare out at the set up, YN lets out a sigh, wrapping her arms around her legs and fidgets with the butterfly ring on her finger, “This is kind of surreal, yeh know? Like, after all this time we’re finally gonna do this,” YN huff out a giggle. “Remember when Harry gave this ring a couple of Christmases ago? Feels like ages away."

Louis offers his cigarette to her and she shakes her head to decline.

“That’s around the time he told me he had a crush on you.”

YN snaps her head towards her childhood best friend, “Whot! He told all those years ago?”

“S’not like it was a secret. He practically kissed the ground you walked on. It was pretty fookin’ obvious, love. You know...eh never mind.” Louis shakes his head with a smile and brings the white stick back to his lips, taking a long drag. 

“Oi! Y’can’t say that and then not say what you were going to say,” YN pushes at his shoulder. 

“I dunno why I even brought it up. Don’t know if I should even tell yeh,” YN raises her hand as a threat to hit his shoulder and he slightly cowards back with his hands raised. “Oi, alright, alright. It’s not even a big deal.”

“Y’making it seem that way though. Y’got me all nervous.”

“Well,” Louis tilts his head back as he blows the smoke out from his lungs. He scratches his eyebrow with his thumb with a sigh, “He’d kill me if he knew I was telling yeh this but...y’mum wasn’t the only one he asked for a blessing to marry you.” 

She furrows her eyebrows and tilts her head as she looks to her childhood best friend, her brother. 

“Are...are you sayin’ that Harry asked you as well?” 

Louis just gives her a small smile and silently nods down to himself, bringing his cigarette to his lips once more. 

In the next second, her eyes begin to water at Harry’s gesture. The fact that he went the extra mile to ask her childhood best friend—the man who she sees as an older brother—if he had approval to become her husband makes the love she has for her fiancé grow more and more. She turns her head to look behind her and through the sliding doors that see into the kitchen. 

Penny has Harry’s hands working on needing out a tough ball of cookie dough. He listens intently to her instructions as she pours various cookie toppings into different bowls. His own mum rummages around the kitchen as well, helping learn how to make her soon-to-be mother-in-law’s infamous chocolate chip cookies. 

It seems as though Harry must not be kneading the dough fast enough as her mum comes up behind him and aids his hands into the mix. YN can’t hear it from being outside but Harry’s face says it all as he begins to laugh at the playful action. His eyes crinkle and his dimples pop out as he lifts his shoulders in a fit of giggles. 

YN huff out a small laugh through her nose at the sight and she can’t stop the rogue tears that escape as she falls more in love with the man inside.

“M’happy for you, love,” When she turns her gaze back to Louis, he nods toward the house. “Harry he...he really loves you, YN. He’s gonna be a good husband. And if he isn’t, I’ll kick his arse.” 

YN can’t help but let out a watery laugh, wiping under her eyes before snuggling under his extended arm, “I believe you.” 

They both enjoy the quietness of the outdoors a little longer until they turn their heads to the sound of one of the doors sliding open.

“Auntie YN,” Freddie excitingly steps onto the porch, his cheeks turning pink by the second.

“Freddie, where’s yeh coat?” Louis scolds. 

“Sorry daddy but Grandma Penny said it's time for you to come inside or, or else you’re going to get sick,” The little boy with his father's eyes quickly explains before scurrying off inside.

“You coming inside, Lou?” YN asks, still stuck to his side. He gives her shoulder a squeeze and throws the bud of his cigarette into the grass. 

“Let’s go. Yeh know, you’re gonna be having to scold yeh own kids pretty soon.”

“One step at a time, Lou.”

...

It was safe to say that it’s been a good while since YN has had a home-cooked meal and Anne never fails to provide such delicious food—especially now as everyone feasts on their full plates. Harry’s mum sits at the head of the table, her two children sit in the next seats beside her and YN is seated happily next to Harry. As they all eat and chat away, YN puts a hand over her mouth to prevent food flying out from laughter at one of his uncle’s stories.

Throughout the dinner, her and Harry have been acting like they usually would any other time they’re together. Like when they were all sitting on the couch listening to funny (and embarrassing) stories about each family member, YN sat contently under the comfort of Harry’s arm draped over her shoulder. Or after a round of another guessing game, Harry takes her in his arms and gives her a spin after their team’s victory; boasting loudly and planting a friendly kiss on her cheek. 

Or like now as YN’s giggly body subconsciously leans over to Harry, he doesn’t think twice about putting a hand on her knee, leaning further into her as he lets out a laugh of how own. 

“And when I looked down, it was in my hand the entire time!” His uncle explains the ending to his amusing story and the table goes into another fit of laughter and chuckles. His aunt brings a clothed napkin to wipe under her eyes and playful smacks her husband’s shoulder. 

When YN looks to her best friend, they both shake their heads as giggles and chuckles push past their lips. She gives him the smile that always makes his knees weak and he’s never been more thankful to be sitting down at the sight. 

Anne looks over fondly to her son and YN next to her and can’t help but wave a hand excitedinly in front of her, “YN, dear. I’m so happy you came over for today. But you’ll have to excuse Uncle David over there, he’s a bit of a jokester.”

“Not at all,” YN dimisses with a reassuring wave of her hand. “My uncle Teddy is the same way. It’s nice to see that humorous uncles run in good families.”

It’s nearly impossible to not be in awe of the woman sitting next to him. She’s just so naturally good at everything, and much like her stepmum, she can always make a person feel welcomed, special even, with just one look.

“I’m just so happy that my son has finally brought his girlfriend over for Christmas,” Anne beams from her seat at the head of the table and YN’s fork squeaks against the china plate. Harry nearly chokes on the glass of wine in his hand and Gemma looks up at her the two across from her with wide eyes. The wind gets knocked out of YN as she failed to notice that he was seeing someone on the side, that she failed to notice the possible woman in the room...but another realization presses down on her chest. 

She can feel her best friend tense up next to her and it all makes sense now: Harry didn’t tell his mum that they weren’t together anymore. Harry’s mum was referring to YN.

YN thinks quickly and instead of politely correcting his mum or throwing out all of the questions racing in her mind, she smiles softly at Anne and says, “Thank you for having me.” When she turns her gaze to Harry, he sees him give her an appreciative smile, “M’really grateful to be here with all of you. I’m a very lucky person today.”

“I’m the lucky one,” Harry comments truthfully. He’s so grateful to not only have his best friend over for such a memorable day but for her not exposing him to his entire family on Christmas day. He removes the hand on her knee to bring her hand to mouth to place a kiss on her knuckles and the table looks onto them fondly.

Before Anne can get all teary-eyed over the sight, she puts on a loving smile and announces for everyone to continue to eat up before the food gets cold. As everyone dives back into their own conversations and the room is filled with chatter and silverware claking again, Harry leans over to whisper in YN’s ear.

“Thank you.” YN gives her friend a warm smile like he’s telling her something loving, partly because she feels for him and partly because his mum hasn’t taken her eyes off of them yet, “I can explain.”

“Later,” YN whisper back, interlocking her hand with his. “In the meantime, is yeh nose alright? Looks like wine sky-rocketed out from there from the news," She giggles behind her own glass and Harry falls more in love with her with every passing second.

...

As the night before their wedding day comes to fruition, everyone in the house was sent promptly to bed to be ready for tomorrow—especially the bride-to-be. Penny, Anne, Gemma, and Lottie all shooed Harry away from his fiancé and made sure YN was tucked into bed as soon as possible as she needs her beauty sleep before the most important day of her life. 

While Harry was shoved into a room of his own, he couldn’t stop tossing and turning. As excited as he is for the next day to arrive, he can’t seem to fall asleep without his love snuggled up next to him.

As the rest of the house is already in deep sleep, Harry pads his bare feet out of the guest room and makes his way into the kitchen. He knuckles at his eyes and reaches for the handle of the refrigerator. 

“Not gettin’ cold feet are yeh?” 

Harry nearly jumps out of his skin, quickly turning around to spot his fiancée sitting on top of the dining table. She holds back a laugh around the cookie in her mouth and he notices that she has a steaming mug sitting on the table by her hips. 

“Of course not. Been waiting forever for this day, think m’just too excited to sleep,” He makes his way over to her to stand inbetween her swinging legs. “What are you doing up?”

“Same here. Too jittery to wait until tomorrow,” YN keeps her gaze on the mug next to her as she dunks her stepmum’s homemade cookie in the hot chocolate as she bashfully says her next words. “Plus, I couldn’t really fall asleep without you with me so...”

It’s hard for the two of them not to be reminiscent of always meeting up back in the kitchen: from their two month trip in Jamaica, while making his second album in Malibu, when they officially became a couple in 2019—it all seems a little full circle.

"Will you be a good bride-to-be to your soon-to-be husband and let me have a bite?" He nods toward the chunky cookie in her hand with a grin, ultimately deciding that he can't tease her for her sleep comment because it's the same reasons he's up. He leans forwards when she offers him some but scoffs when she swerves it out of the way at the last second and into her mouth.

When she finishes her chewing, he hushes her laugh by pressing his lips to hers. He pulls her in closer by gripping her hips and she happily cards her fingers through his hair. When teases his fingers under the waistband of her sleep shorts, she pulls away with a giggle.

"Harry, baby we can't here," She whispers into the air as he begins to nibble down the side of her neck.

"Why not?" He mumbles onto her skin and the sound of his boyish whinnying makes her smile.

"Because, quite literally, our closest family members are all currently sleeping under this roof. Me mum can walk in on us. Or your mum. Or Louis-"

"They will walk in on us if you don't hush up," Harry points out and it makes his dimples dig into his cheeks when she giggles softly. "Don't you want me, baby?"

"I want you," YN mumbles shyly and it has him quickly bringing his mouth to hers again. She pulls him closer with a tug of his hair and he groans against her, a noise that has her shushing him just the same way he did to her.

They try to keep as quiet as they possibly can but it turns difficult when they can't stop giggling and hushing each other. Especially how she has to dig her face into his shoulder when he tugs their shorts just low enough until her can push inside her or being shushed when he has to stop to move the steaming mug of hot chocolate to the seat. He tells her to be quiet through a chuckle when she goes to lay her back against the hardwood table and she lets out a string of giggles when the table starts to creek from their movements. Her laughs turn into quiet moans and whimpers when he begins to pound into her and he brings his hand over her mouth as they both come undone.

After busting out the disinfecting bottle and vigorously wiping down the table, Harry escorts her back to her room.

“What?” YN questions when he sees Harry give her a lovesick smile, the same kind of smile that begins to tug one on her own lips.

“This is our last night with you being my fiancée.”

She hums out in agreement. It’s at this moment that she realizes that the scary feeling in her tummy for tomorrow isn’t necessarily out of fear, but excitement. All this time she thought she might be second-guessing herself, making herself think that she wasn’t good enough for Harry, that he deserves someone better. But this gooey twist in her stomach is from how giddy she feels, about how much he loves her. He wants her to be his wife, no one else.

She can’t help herself from stepping forward, placing a hand on Harry’s chest to lean up on the balls of her feet to gently press her lips to his.

“Good night, my fiancé,” She mumbles against his lips.

“Fuck, I can’t wait to make you my wife.”

“Until tomorrow, my love.”

He reluctantly pulls himself away from her with a deep sigh, “I’ll be waiting at the altar.”

“I’ll meet yeh there.”

“Good night, lovie.”

“Good night.”

YN giggles at how neither one of them makes an effort to move from their spots.

“You love me?” 

She barks out a laugh but quickly puts a hand over her mouth to muffle the contagious sound. He puts a warm hand over the one over her mouth while the other puts a finger to his lips, a dimpled smile already breaking out.

“I can’t stand you,” She teases in a whisper. “But of course I love you. Agree to marry you, didn’t I?”

“Damn right you did,” He boasts, walking backwards down the hall. “Good night, baby.” 

“Night,” YN bites her bottom lip to tame her smile and leans her head on the door frame. Before she can get her hand on the door, another giggle comes tumbling past her lips when he quickly makes his way over to her again to give her a loving kiss. He brings her left hand to his mouth to plant a kiss to the ring her gave her before forcing himself down the hall to the guest room.

...

Harry had his explanation ready. It was all planned out a rehearsed to a T, but now as he stands before YN’s awaiting eyes in his mum’s kitchen the next day, he loses all the words he knows.

Yesterday was packed with activities and fun and laughter that it was hard not to pull her away from all that and explain himself. He couldn’t be the cause of her loosing her bright smile as they play another guessing game with his family. He couldn’t be the one to interrupt her laughter while they assembled gingerbread houses.

And the one time he actually had the chance to pull her off to the side, his little nephew pointed out that they were under the misletoe. All of his worrying thoughts came to a stop when she looked up at him with a shrug of her shoulders as his family all had their eyes excitingly locked on them. How could he even think to hesitate when she was so willing and pliable in his hands as he cups her face and presses his lips to hers—their first kiss since they’ve split up a couple of months ago. It was a short and sweet kiss for the sake of his family standing before them but how he wished they were the only ones in the room.

And there certainly was no way he was going to wake her after she falls asleep with her head on his shoulder as the older cousins sit around the living room to watch Christmas movies. When everyone begins to file out of the living room wishin him good night, all he can really do is carefully manuver her so she’s between him and the back of the couch and drap a blanket over the two of them. His heart and the warm feeling inside his chest only grows when she blindly reaches out for him, pulling him close and tucking her head in the crook of his neck.

Now in the cold light of day, Harry has to face the music and explain why his mum thinks the two are still together after already being months apart.

“It’s...look I,” Harry takes in a deep breath. It was already hard enough to proper gather his thoughts at the sight of her alone so it was extremely difficult now under the circumstances. “I didn’t mean to lead her onto to anything, I promise. She was so happy when we were actually together and, and when we broke up, telling her wasn’t necessarily the first thing on my mind. I meant to tell her soon enough and it completely didn’t come to mind that she still thought that way when she invited you over for Christmas. I appreciate you playing along and I’m forever in you debt because of that but, I will tell her. I will tell her today and as much as it will hurt her, I can’t imagine how hard all this is hurting you.”

Harry lets out a deep sigh. He had everything planned and it all came to bite him back in the worst way.

"Hurting me?" YN questions and he's taken back when she gently takes a hold of his chin so his gaze meets hers. "You've been doing the complete opposite. Yeah, this is all a little weird given the situation and I might have been caught off guard but...I miss you. I've missed you for...I honestly don't think I ever stopped missing you. I've been meaning to tell you that I'm ready to be with you, officially, but there never seemed like a good time. And I completely understand if you're not ready to be with me yet or don't want to be with me at all-"

YN is silenced by Harry stepping forwards, cupping her cheeks and pressing his lips to hers.

When he pulls back, he's met with her beautiful eyes that are glazed over in confusion.

"Don't want to be with you at all?" Harry asks in disbelief. "Of course I want to be with you. There's never a day that goes by without me wanting to be with you, YN. I'm ready, I've been ready. No more bullshit or back-and-forth or confusion. I want you, plain and simple."

"I want you, too," YN beams before pulling him back into her.

The two have gone back and forth between being together and not being together over the past two years but this time it feels different, it feels right.

"Well, good morning to you too."

Anne's voice instantly has them pulling apart and taking a step away from each other, like a couple of teenagers caught in an obscene act. Harry's mum smiles warmly at the couple as she goes towards the stove, "Tea, anyone?"

Harry and YN tuck their lips in and one glance at one another has them beaming in embarrassment.

...

"Baby, you have to stop pacing." Penny softly comments from her spot on the dining table as watches her daughter walk back and forth. YN hasn't stopped twisting at the ring on her finger. She's not doing it in contemplation or regretting her decision for this day, it's just a nervous habit she's done ever since she can remember.

"Knock, knock. I’ve got a special delivery from—” Louis peaks his head in from the curtained sliding glass doors and stops in his tracks at the sight of his childhood best friend—his little sister—in front of him.

YN stands before him in her mermaid-style wedding dress. The sleeves are off the shoulder and the length of her dress stops right at the bottom of her feet. Her veils trails behind her and cascades down her back and onto the ground. Her make-up is done naturally and her hair is down and clipped out of her face. 

Tears threaten to escape his eyes but he sniffles them back as best he can, “Wow, YN. Yeh look...amazing.” 

“I don’t really feel amazing,” YN continues her pacing, holding her hands in front of her stomach as she continues to twist her ring and push down on her fingers with her thumbs. “I dunno why I can’t stop my mind from racing. I’m happy, so fookin' happy right now, but I just can’t stay still and, and I feel all nervous and what if I trip and fall while I’m walking down the isle. This all feels so—”

“Hey, hey. Take a breath alright,” Louis quickly steps over to her and places gentle hands on her bare shoulders. He non-verbally instructs her to take in deep breaths with him: in through his nose and out through his mouth. “S’normal for to feel like this, love. You’re happy and you love him and that’s all that matters. But if you don’t want to go through with this either, I’ll start the car up and we can go down and grab a burger, alright? No one can say anything about it.”

After a couple of breathes, YN opens her eyes and flicker them back and forth between his.

“I, I want to see him. Like, if he can just tell me that it’s all alright, that this is all fine or to just hug him or something...”

“Well, I may not be able to give yeh that, but he did tell me to give you this,” Louis grabs a piece of paper from his inner suit jacket, YN carefully unfolds the paper and nearly cries at the sight of her fiancé’s hand writing.

Everything will be alright, my love. I can practically hear you pacing from the outside the house and please stop twisting at your ring or craking your fingers. Your hands will be in mine soon enough. I’ll be waiting at the altar. I love you so much it hurts. Harry x. 

YN huffs out a laugh through her nose at how well he knows her. Harry wasn’t even told what she was doing, surely in hopes to not make him nervous but he knows her like the back of his hand. YN doesn’t even realize how her breathing as calmed down or how less jittery she feels from her anxiety earlier. She doesn’t even realize how big of a smile she has on her face until Louis takes her chin in between his fingers.

“She’s acting like he hung up the moon and stars by the way she’s smiling like that,” Louis jests and YN doesn’t even try her hand at a witty comeback.

“Thank you, Louis. I don’t think I’ve ever thanked you for everything you’ve done for me,” She says sincerely. “From when I was a little girl till now, you’ve taken care of me and looked out for me like a big brother should. You mean the world to me and I love you very much.”

With a tight lipped smile, he pulls YN into his arms before she can see his eyes begin to tear up. 

“There’s no need to thank meh. I’d gladly do it all over again if I had to.”

The three of them turn their attention to a knock on the sliding glass doors before Gemma steps in with an excited smile, "It’s time.”

...

YN can hear the infamous wedding music begin to play outside and she takes in a shaky breath. Penny puts a loving hand overher daughter's that are tightly gripping onto her bouquet and it instantly calms YN’s nerves. 

“Ready, my baby?” She gives her daughter the warmest smile, the smile that’s engraved into YN’s memory ever since she was a little girl. Penny was the only woman her no-good of a father brought home that actually acknowledged baby YN. Penny gave up her free, hippie lifestyle for one of a mother’s and it was a decision, a promise, she continues to fulfill every passing day since. She has been the parent, the provider, and the support that YN needed and YN is forever grateful for the woman standing beside her.

Penny has been more than two parents combined and so after giving her mum a nod, the glass doors slide open and the two woman begin their walk down the isle.

As YN takes her steps down to the altar, she spots the familiar faces around the small number of seats.

She passes by Mitch and Sarah as she’s slightly bouncing their baby boy in her arms.

She passes by the Tomlinson girls—the family she grew up with and calls her own.

She passes some of Harry’s close family members and holds back a giggle when Uncle David gives her two thumbs up.

She passes by the empty seats that were reserved for her two other bandmates who “couldn't make the trip” (an obvious outcome that the couple forshadowed yet still sent out the invitations nonetheless) but she smiles warmly when she sees her favorite blond lad. Niall smiles brightly at her before looking down at his shoes in hopes for her not to see the way he starts to tear up. 

She passes Anne and Gemma in the front row, both with loving looks lighting up their faces. Harry’s mum mouths that she looks so beautiful and puts a shaky hand over her heart. 

She passes Louis as he watches her with his lips tucked to the side to help stop himself from blubbering like a baby. He has been so calm, cool and collected during all of this but actually seeing his baby sister walk down the isle in her white dress is hitting him like a ton of bricks.

And lastly, she sees Harry standing before her at the end of the altar dressed in a simple yet classic tux, red-nosed and teary-eyed at the sight of his bride. When he meets her gaze, he quickly knuckles away the tears before giving her her favorite dimpled smile. He takes in a deep breath, unable to hold back the sob that racks through his chest.

With glossy eyes, Penny plants a gentle kiss to her daughter’s cheek before reaching out to place YN’s hand in Harry’s. He gives the older woman a kiss on her cheek, as well as a reassuring nod of his head as a nonverbal way of saying that he has her. After stepping up to face one another, Penny takes her place on the other side of the front row and as the ceremony begins, she seats herself next to the empty chair reserved for Jay.

...

“YN,” The officiant turns his attention over to the bride. “You may now read your vows.”

After Gemma hands YN the small piece of paper, she looks up to see her groom give her an encouraging smile.

“Harry," YN takes a shaky breath in and her vision already gets blurry. "Shit. Oh! Fook, I'm sorry. Shit! Ahh wait!" She puts a hand over her mouth as the audience laughs at her antics. Harry’s shoulders shake up by his ears and the outer corners of his eyes crinkle as he laughs.

"I love you," he leans over to plant a kiss on her cheek.

He lets out another laugh when she gives him an uneasy look of disbelief.

"Harry,” She starts again. “I don’t think there are words good enough to describe how much how I love you. You’ve shown me so many things, taught me so much about not only in life, but of myself. Before you, I wasn’t a very touchy-feely person. Now, I cannot go a day without one of your hugs. Before you, I couldn’t stand to listen to stupid love songs. Now, I’m constantly writing them about you. Before you, my world was seen in sepia. Now I see colors I never knew existed. You’re truly me best friend, the love of me life, and my soulmate. You understand me more than anyone else, more than myself sometimes. I can’t believe the day has come when we finish with the constantly changing labels of our relationship and finally settle it with husband and wife. I’ll never get tired of saying how much I love you and I can’t wait to start my forever with you.”

As soon as she finishes reading off of her tiny piece of paper, Harry steps forwards, cups her cheeks and plants a kiss to her lips. A couple of the men in the audience wolf and whistle loudly while the women playfully jab at them to quiet down. YN can’t help but giggle against her love’s lips, gripping onto the hands on her cheek before having to pull away.

“Harry, you may read your vows now.”

After calming his boyish smile, he takes his own piece of paper out of the inner pocket of his blazer and with a deep breath in, he begins to read his scribbled words.

“YN, it feels like I’ve been waiting my entire life to marry you. I knew I wanted you in my life when I first saw you at a Battle of the Bands competition when we were merely fifteen years old but I knew I wanted us to be more when we were put in a band a year later. We’ve gone through so many ups and downs over the past 12 years, and while it may have been frustrating at times, you were and always will be worth the wait. You’re my best friend and I truly cannot express how excited and happy I am to start this new chapter in our lives together as not just bandmates, secret lovers, blurry lines or merely as my best friend, but as husband and wife. I have loved you since 2010, now and forevermore.”

...

“Do you, YN YLN, take Harry Styles to be your lawfully wedded husband, to live together in matrimony, to love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, to have and to hold, from this day forward, as long as you both shall live?”

“I do,” YN beams as she slides the wedding band onto Harry’s finger.

“Do you, Harry Styles, take YN YLN to be your lawfully wedded wife, to live together in matrimony, to love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, to have and to hold, from this day forward, as long as you both shall live?”

“I do,” Harry breathes out a smile, sliding the wedding band onto his love’s finger to finish off the last piece of their ceremony.

“By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Harry, you may now kiss your bride.”

Harry doesn’t waste another second before he cups her jaw and smushes his lips to hers. He wraps his other arm around her back and YN grips onto the front flaps of his tux, pulling him in incredibly close. He leans her back and he can feel her smile against his lips.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I now present to you for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Styles!”

...

“I dunno, H,” YN says, fidgeting with the rings on her fingers. Now that the two can confidently state that they’re officially together now, she’s scared that their relationship will be seen in the public eye. She knows that when they first started their on-and-off relationship two years ago, they kept it very low-key around their friends, in the studio and only later started to show PDA, but only to their close friends. They’ve managed to dodge past the questions and comments about them being an item for years but this was different. They’re officially a couple now.

The idea of going to a new year’s eve party and the fear of someone taking a picture of them while really doing anything can start a massive misunderstanding in their fandoms. The fans just knew.

“Jonny says that the people he invited were cool, only a handful of close friends,” It’s nice to know that Harry was also on board with keeping their relationship in the shadows. They’re very private people and keeping their personal lives out of the lights is something that they would like to keep. Harry grabs her fidgeting hands and holds them to his chest. “I think we deserve to enjoy more of our holiday before it’s over, don’t y’think?”

His words begin to process in her head as he clutches their hands together. His head bends down to kiss her knuckles, his thumb rubbing over the butterfly ring he gave her a couple of Christmases ago, and it almost made her knees give out. His head bobs a little as he moves to kiss each one. He lifts his eyes slightly to meet hers and she sighs deeply knowing he won.

“As long as I can kiss you whenever I want during the party then maybe it won’t be so bad,” She says, trying to fight the smile that creeps on her face. She’s still very paranoid about the party, but seeing Harry’s face light up at the sound of her agreeing was all it took for her to relax. 

Harry cups her face in his large hands and pressed his lips to hers. She instantly reacts by putting her hands on his waist and turning her head to the side to deepen the kiss. 

This feels right, it feels safe. Now that she’s told him what’s on her mind about their relationship, it’s as if everything seems too good to be true. She feels as if their new relationship is now stronger than whatever they had in the past with them both clear about their intentions, mentally in a better place, and their love for one another already well established.

Harry gently pushes her back until her back is touching the counter. As she feels his tongue slip past her lips, she grips the material of his hoodie around his waist in a silent plea for more.

“Let the girl breathe, will yeh,” Gemma's voice breaks their kiss. 

YN feels the blood rush up to her face and she covers her face in Harry's chest. She feels his arms wrap around her shoulders and his chest vibrates as he laughs. YN hopes it's directed toward his sister rather than her red face.

“Oi, you’re just pissed that your boyfriend doesn’t show you the same affection anymore,” Harry says to his older sister.

“Bogger off,” Gemma says with a laugh. “When you’re finished with your little snog fest can you please send her over to the living room. I’m currently losing charades to a seven year old and she’s my lucky charm.” 

“I’ll be there,” YN’s voice comes out muffled from being pressed against Harry's chest. Gemma gives Harry a nod and once he gives her one back in reassurance, she spins on her heel and exits the kitchen. "Why does this always happen?" YN asks with a shake of her head, confused about how they continue to get interrupted by their family members and it only makes a laugh tumble past Harry's lips.

...

The married couple sits side-by-side at the end of the long table set up in the backyard. Their mums sit on either side of their children while the rest of the family and friends sit down the line. Fairy lights blanket over the yard and it provides the most beautiful light over the small party celebration.

As the table is filled with the sound of chatter as everyone finishes up the pre-made home cooked meal, Harry has his arm draped over the back of YN’s chair where he’ll constantly lean over to her to whisper something in her ear or where she’ll ask to see his left hand again and hold it against hers to see their matching rings.

Louis gives Gemma a nod across from his spot on the table before standing up from his seat, clearing his throat as he taps a knife against his glass of champagne. The chatter begins to die down and soon enough everyone joins in on tapping their glass.

"This should be interesting," Harry whispers to his bride's ear and smiles when she lets out a giggle.

"Ello everyone. For the people who don't know, m'Louis—" Everyone chuckles since the only people invited were family members and close friends. Penny gives a smack to his arm before he continues. "As the best man, I'd like to give a little toast dedicated to the bride and groom. I've known Harry for over a decade and YN since she was practically in diapers. YN, you're like me little sister than anything. As annoying and frustrating as you can be sometimes—" The table laughs and YN has to resist from flipping off her childhood best friend. "—I love you so very much. Harry, I've witnessed more than anyone here how stupidly in love you are with YN. The amount of times I’ve watched these two idiots deny and hide their love from one another during our time in One Direction was truly excruciating to watch. Niall here can back me up on that. It’s that true, Nialler?” Louis lifts his glass towards their blonde friend who quickly nods his head and making the rest of the guests laugh.

“It was painful,” Niall agrees, leaning over to look at the marriage couple. “It even hurt me sometimes, you know?”

YN playfully rolls her eyes with a smile sitting on her lips while her husband pinches at his lips to keep his embarrassed smile at bay.

“But in all seriousness, seeing first hand how these two and fought and clawed their way through all the shit—” Penny smacks his arm once again at his vulgar language. “Sorry, sorry. Through all the obstacles that have thrown their way, their love prevailed through it all. Harry, I know you'll take good care of my sister...even if she stubbornly claims she doesn't need taking care of.”

The couple’s friends and family all make noises in agreement which makes YN playfully scoff at how fast and willing they all agreed. 

“I wish you lot the best and a very happy life together. To the bride and groom."

As everyone lifts their glass in the air, YN can’t help but give Louis a weary smile before blowing him a kiss and mouths that she loves him too.

"Alright, as the maid of honor, I also want to give a toast," Gemma is next to stand. "YN, I've always seen you as a sister and I'm so happy that it's officially offical. I feel that I shouldn’t really welcome you into the family because you’ve always been apart of the Styles family for as long as we’ve known you. Harry, my baby brother," Gemma tilts her head to the side, putting a hand over chest with her lips tucked inwards in hopes to tame her tears. "I'm so proud of all you've accomplished but I'm most happy that you've found your soulmate. You guys were truly made for one another and I could not imagine a more perfect couple."

Harry leans his head towards YN’s and the rest their temples against one another, closing their eyes for a second to live in the incredible bliss they both feel.

With a quick wipe to her watery cheeks, Gemma smiles and lifts up her glass, "You guys are going to continue to have a wonderful life together and yes, I’m calling dibs to be your baby’s godmother whenever the time comes.”

“Oi! Yeh can’t do that,” Louis defends. “That’s for them to pick. And it was gonna be me anyways.”

“I think it’s only fair we get to be the godparents since they’re the godparents of our little one,” Sarah pipes up from the side of the table.

“And what am I?” Niall raises his hands. “A roach?”

As the table begin to get rowdy, Harry waves his hands up while YN just holds her stomach as it begins to hurt from laughing so hard.

“Hey, woah!” He sliences the group. “We just got married, people. We’re not even pregnant. We’re not pregnant, right?” Harry asks his love and it only makes her laugh harder.

“No, no we’re not,” YN pressed the sides of her index fingers under her eyes from the giggly tears that managed to escape. “Oh my word, that was awesome. Gemma, please continue on with your toast before I bust at the seam.”

“As I was saying, we are all so happy for the two of you. You two will have a very happy together. To YN and Harry."

"To YN and Harry!"

"And without further ado, I'd like to invite you two to the dance floor to present your first dance as husband and wife."

And with that, Harry takes his wife’s hand in his as he leads her to the small designated dance area behind their table.

With a click on Gemma’s phone, At Last by Etta James begins to play out of the speakers somewhere behind them and everyone begins to gather around the small area. Their guests pull out their phones to capture the special moment but Harry pays no mind to them as he gently tugs her into him.

YN pulls him incredibly close to her, wrapping her arms tightly around the tops of his shoulders. Harry fully pulls her into him so that there is no space left between them. He digs his face into the crook of her neck and his blunt fingers press into the skin on her shoulders as they gently sway.

All else seems to fade away and it’s just the two of them together as they dance. It all seems so unreal, swaying with Harry—her husband—on their wedding day. Harry’s words the night before were unbelievably true in that he’s been waiting forever to marry this woman. 

Like he needs to make sure he isn’t dreaming, he pulls his face from her neck and sure enough, his breath is knocked out of his chest at the sight of her looking up at him like that, with her bright eyes and golden smile. He can’t help himself from leaning down to capture her lips with his, although a little difficult after a while as they can’t keep their smiles at bay any longer. 

After all the rollercoaster they’ve been on for the past twelve years, it seemed like this day would never come to be. Yet, as Harry mentioned in his vows, she was well worth the wait as he holds YN—his wife—in his arms. 

Thankfully he will never have to let her go as he gets to have her forevermore.

taglist:

@wobblymug @be-with-me-so-happily @ashtongivesmebutterflies @kiwiskiwiskiwi @darlingdesire @obsesseddd @hopefulwastelandcreation @cacapeepee @breezie-b00 @harrysfolklore @theekyliepage @sunshinemoonsposts @nervousspiderling @tbslonelyhes @tenaciousperfectionunknown @harrystylesrecs @certified-nalayak @itsjustsel @iknowyouthinkimbulletproof @gviosca @behindmygreyeyes @twobluejeans @allisonxmcu @theemeraldbutterfly @jean-love @marvellover-sam @b-reads-things @reveriehs @rach2602 @thurhomish @perrypughstyles @luvonstyles @mxltifxnd0m @teamspideyman @c00chiemonster @juiceboxrry @s8tellite @folklorehrry @illicithallways @claramllera @eunoiaax @hoya122 @nichmedder @sleutherclaw @gloriousmoneyrascalbiscuit @harianaswhore @teawithcyb0rgs @vrittivsanghavi @vc55bughead @futuristiccroissantlampsludge @onecrazydirectioner @valluvsu @itsgabbysblog @awkwardbisexuall @rosehel @sucker4angstt @isalove @diorchives @mrshiddlestyles02 @fdl305

[waitmyturtles]

Turtles Catches Up With Old GMMTV: KinnPorsche, and Analyzing the KP Cultural Zeitgeist Edition (Part 1)

[What’s going on here? After joining Tumblr and discovering Thai BLs through KinnPorsche in 2022, I began watching GMMTV’s new offerings -- and realized that I had a lot of history to catch up on, to appreciate the more recent works that I was delving into. From tropes to BL frameworks, what we’re watching now hails from somewhere, and I’m learning about Thai BL's history through what I’m calling the Old GMMTV Challenge (OGMMTVC). Starting with recommendations from @absolutebl on their post regarding how GMMTV is correcting for its mistakes with its shows today, I’ve made an expansive list to get me through a condensed history of essential/classic/significant Thai BLs produced by GMMTV and many other BL studios. My watchlist, pasted below, lists what I’ve watched and what’s upcoming, along with the reviews I’ve written so far. Today, in a two-part series, I offer my thoughts on KinnPorsche, my very first Thai BL, and the impact that I think KP has had on the Thai BL industry since 2022.]

Hot damn! It has been a MINUTE since my last OGMMTVC review, so I'm glad to be back. I've been very much looking forward to writing my thoughts about my recent KinnPorsche rewatch: I enjoyed this ENTIRE process, especially in regards to watching KinnPorsche in the context and chronology of past Thai BLs, and man, did I ever see KP WAYYYYY differently than the first time I watched it.

Why's that? Welp -- *KinnPorsche was my first-ever Thai BL*. (Not my first BL drama ever; that award goes to the GOAT, Kinou Nani Tabeta?/What Did You Eat Yesterday?)

But when I joined Tumblr officially in July 2022, just about a year and a half ago (in the heat of passionately obsessing over Old Fashion Cupcake), my dash was awash, AWASH, in KP posts. AWASH.

I had no idea what the fuck the algorithm was telling me.

I went into KinnPorsche knowing absolutely NOTHING about Thai BL tropes, the history of the genre, the actors in the roles, what made KP so innovative by way of its storyline, NADA. Dudes -- I'm half-Malaysian, and I had never even watched a show from the Southeast Asian region, let alone Thailand, and I was unaware of how prolific the Thai drama industry was (at least compared to the Korean drama machine).

When I first watched KinnPorsche, my perspective was that I had watched a pretty good show, and I was left surprised back then in particular by the No Homophobia Bubble (well, almost no homophobia, Big) that I now know is so much more common in Thai BLs than I realized.

It was through KinnPorsche that I discovered Thai BLs, and it was subsequently through Bad Buddy that I realized that I NEEDED to understand the development of this national genre -- so back to the history annals I went, through my OGMMTVC project, starting from 2014's Love Sick, and here we are at this moment of the timeline, the hot hot late spring and summer of 2022, enjoying the ✨vibbbeeezz✨ between Mile Phakphum and Apo Nattawin, and leaving me wondering why there was a national shirt button shortage in the midst of a Thai mafia crime drama. I'm glad I have history on my side now as I think about KinnPorsche as a standalone drama, and as I also think about the impact it has had on the Thai BL genre and fandoms prior to its premiere, up to today's moment in time.

I took my time to draft this piece partly because I was busy watching Be On Cloud's second and latest serial drama in Dead Friend Forever. I think BOC is doing something very interesting by way of their acting and contracted scripting choices, which I want to ponder by way of the context and aftermath of KP's airing. As such, while I had intended to write just one post about KP, I have a bunch of thoughts that'll spill over to tomorrow. So here we go, a quick overall outline for the lovers for today and tomorrow on my ruminating thoughts:

1) My critical thoughts on KinnPorsche as a standalone drama in the context of the history of previous Thai BLs, 2) My thoughts on how new arrivals to the wider Thai BL fandom shaped the perception of KP vis à vis older Thai BLs, 3) How I think KP has impacted how other studios approach, market, and write Thai BLs now, and 4) A quick passing thought on BOC's own continued influence on the Thai BL genre and industry since 2022, particularly by way of Dead Friend Forever.

I'm going to concentrate on numbers 1 and 2 in this piece, and they're actually going to be a touch conflated, because I want to lean into a now-obvious fact that the BL Elder community knew all along about KP when it first aired in 2022: there was not much that was new about what KinnPorsche was doing. (This is not necessarily a bad thing, as I’ll get into below.)

When I was a newbie on Tumblr, and the algorithm was feeding my dash, I remember seeing posts about how Be On Cloud, the studio behind KP, was doing things differently than the rest of the Thai BL field -- I recall posts about the studio hiring the best acting coaches, how the cinematography was nothing like what we had seen in other shows, and how Be On Cloud was committed to creating safe environments for its actors, particularly Apo Nattawin, who had reportedly faced discrimination in his past acting career, reportedly leading him to leave the Thai drama industry for a number of years.

While some very early Thai BL studios were known to not have the safest or friendliest environments (the filming of What The Duck comes to mind by way of this lore), by the time of KP's airing, GMMTV had strongly established itself as the leader of Thai BL productions, and other players, including New Siwaj and Cheewin Thanamin, had produced quite the number of dramas under each of their respective studio outfits. The industry, by 2020 and 2021, when KP was in its development origins, wasn't new anymore. Acting coaches, such as Aof Noppharnach, were now also regularly writing, directing, and producing original shows, and major BL studios had introduced workshopping as a regular step to production. On the artistic end, studios and writers had established expected artistic tropes -- 2018's Love By Chance is the first example that comes to my mind of when the Thai BL genre crystallized in a structurally derivative piece of art by way of containing and using prior trope references and dynamics.

Be On Cloud, in picking up the KinnPorsche script from Filmania during the pandemic (I use these posts here and here for my non-primary sources of KP lore) clearly knew it had something innovative on its hands by way of producing the genre's first mafia-based BL romance.

But 2020's Manner of Death had already introduced crime and mystery to BL, and 2021's Not Me continued a multi-genre perspective somewhat successfully around romance. And regarding sex and heat: KinnPorsche didn't do that first, either. MaxTul brought it first in 2017's Together With Me, and MAME has owned this corner since 2018's Love By Chance and 2019's TharnType. (Props to MaxTul for being in both Together With Me and Manner of Death; MileApo owe those dudes some beers.) By way of cinematography, which KP does extremely well: we had already begun seeing prestige cinematography in 2020's I Told Sunset About You, and 2021's I Promised You The Moon and A Tale of Thousand Stars.

It was natural, I think, for much of the KP fandom to think that KP was innovative in a lot of these categories, because, like me -- KP was our first-ever Thai BL. By way of money clearly spent on the show, the directorial purview of the show, the utterly gorgeous cinematography (man, that nighttime pull-away shot when the guys are in the roof pool, oof, why couldn't I find a gif), a new fan might think, geez, this has never been done before! But it had, and not just in Thailand, but for years prior in Japan, and more recently in Korea.

This is ALL not to say that KinnPorsche “suffered” because of what I'm uncovering by way of KP's misunderstood innovation. I think a perception of KP being entirely “new” in the BL field has contributed to its lore and enduring influential status. On this rewatch, I appreciated the mafia-based storyline as a support system to the central KinnPorsche romance. Yok being centered as an important mentor to Porsche, played by the inimitable Sprite Patteerat, was refreshing to see. Porsche accepting his bisexuality, especially with Yok's support, without the typical BL head-spinning queer revelation, was a welcome element to the show. And, frankly -- I had, on my first watch, missed, of course, the clear references to Thai BLs of the past in this show, references that I really loved seeing this time around.

From the old school, we got Kob Songsit, the OG BL dad, no longer Tong's dad in the seminal movie, The Love of Siam, nor Dean's dad in Until We Meet Again. This BL veteran is now a damn dad don, weapons and all.

We've also got Na Naphat, who played important side characters in IPYTM and UWMA. We have former BL lead guys in Jeff Satur and Perth Nakhun. We've got guitars and singing, we have underwater smooching, we have a cute-cute first date. We arguably have questionable kabedon in Kinn's and Porsche's first intimate moments. We have cooking for your lover, we have feeding your lover, we have the towel-drying of the hair. KP, by 2022, keeps up with Idol Factory's Secret Crush On You in prominently featuring a femme-presenting side character in Tankhun, PHENOMENALLY ACTED by Tong Thanayut, who we had seen previously in TharnType.

KP was, in part, directed by Pepzi Banchorn, who served as an assistant director on 2019's Dark Blue Kiss and 2021-22's Bad Buddy, and had a quick guest spot in 2022's The Warp Effect. KP was also, in part, directed by Khom Kongkiat, who played Uncle Tong in Bad Buddy, and subsequently directed The Promise in 2023. AND, finally, one of the KP screenwriters is Bee Pongsate, who has co-written so much flippin' BL: Last Twilight, Bad Buddy, Dangerous Romance (😬), Vice Versa, My School President, A Tale of Thousand Stars, 2gether and Still 2gether, and that's not even scratching the list -- you get it.

KP's supporting cast and crew was simply stacked with BL vets, who clearly knew the scene, and who helped to support Mile Phakphum's rookie acting and Apo Nattawin's return to the screen. I'd posit that this group of people knew EXACTLY what references they were putting into KinnPorsche, from actors to tropes, and also knew when, where, and how to innovate around those references to still make this show unique.

Certainly, KP's approach to sex and heat -- by way of Kinn's and Porsche's first drunken encounters (hi again, MaxTul), the uncut intimate scenes between them, and Vegas's and Pete's union by way of, well, semi-torture and/or kink -- was bold enough to be overall quite notable. But again: Thai BLs had been pushing that envelope for years past, and it has continued to do so in shows like MAME's Love In the Air and GMMTV's Only Friends.

In other words: after this rewatch, with the history of the older Thai BLs I've watched under my belt, I don't see KinnPorsche as firstly innovative. But I appreciate the show differently now, in particular for how very obvious it worked to include past Thai BL references in its production, and I actually gained a different appreciation for it.

I also want to made a quick tangential note about Apo and Tong specifically by way of innovation. Dr. Thomas Baudinette, a long-time BL fan and academic researcher on Thai and Japanese queer media, notes in his book, Boys Love Media in Thailand, that an ideal trajectory for a Thai BL actor is to debut in BLs in order to transition to more popular primetime het Thai dramas, as Gulf Kanuwat of TharnType, and Ohm Thitiwat and Kao Noppakao of UWMA and Lovely Writer, respectively, are notably doing at the moment. Apo Nattawin did this the other way around: he had established his career in het lakorns, most notably in 2015’s major hit drama, Sut Khaen Saen Rak, and subsequently left the Thai drama industry after reportedly being discriminated against for his skin tone and fashion choices. And his way back to the industry was through BLs. Taking the lore of Mile Phakphum recruiting Apo for KP out of the picture for a moment: I think this indicates a shift in how BLs are increasingly perceived in Thailand, and even globally, as being a career-worthy genre of content on its own for actors. (Apo's exploding fashion career is proof of this.) And BOC has now recruited another lakorn vet in Jes Jespipat for its third upcoming drama, 4 Minutes.

As well, Tong Thanayut’s very public coming out after the conclusion of KP’s airing is notable for how Be On Cloud has continued to center Tong in its productions after that fact, most notably in 2023’s film, Man Suang, while other out BL actors are not as lucky by way of guaranteeing and attracting future work.

I have a lot more to say about KinnPorsche's and Be On Cloud's impact on the current Thai BL industry, and how I think that impact has affected the marketing and creation of more recent shows like 2023's Only Friends, and 2023-24's Playboyy. But this first post has gotten long, and I actually haven't written much about the actual show itself, HA. So let me say this:

I think it's notable that the first shows that played around with themes outside of romance, like 2020's Manner of Death, and 2021's Not Me, were not perfect shows. We see now how multi-genre BLs are just exploding, what with Dead Friend Forever and the upcoming slew of vampire BLs that are going to drop (and let's not forget the first omegaverse BL drama in Pit Babe -- or should we forget it, I dunno). Not all of these shows are perfect, but the genre has only been around for a decade. There's a lot of time, and a tremendous amount of interest and funding, that upcoming shows can leverage to become better, especially these multi-genre shows that we're seeing more of.

KinnPorsche as well, was not a perfect show. I have some thoughts particularly on VegasPete to offer tomorrow, and I think, overall, that KP could have easily been a shorter series with more impact.

But I'll still give the show some of its flowers, because I think, unlike MoD and Not Me, that KinnPorsche did a better job of centering the Kinn and Porsche romance for dramatic effect, particularly by leveraging comedy. Were there many moments of hibbly-jibblies? Oh, totally. Dudes, also, Kinn fucking forgot about Pete! Pete coming back to the house and reminiscing about Vegas while holding his neck? Eeeeyikes, no thanx. There were a number of these weird bumps that I think could be explained by way of intentional camp (which I think KP did pretty well), but I do believe the show could have been tighter with more editing.

But, I gotta admit: I had a great time re-watching KP. That says something. Was it the heat that tiddled my dopamine cycles? Probably, somewhat. (No shame in my game.) Or -- a more reasonable theory, ha, is that Apo, as a veteran actor, demonstrated more range than I originally remembered. He can really do comedy well, and he timed his comedy perfectly for the absurdities that peppered KP through the series (the bread crawl, the constant throwing of hands, the jumping-on-Kinn when the ghost of Pete showed up, oh shit we're in the forest now, etc). Apo and Tong, in particular, stayed true to the bit many times during the show, and I think the series benefitted greatly from their collective comedic talent and timing -- which I thought was nicely refreshing for the genre.

With that, I'll have more ruminating tomorrow about the show itself, about how I think the impact that KP and BOC have had on the genre after KP's airing, and other thoughts about the cultural moment that KP demarcated when it aired -- see you tomorrow!

[MORE MORE MORE KP tomorrow! And I'll have more thoughts about the watchlist then. But for now, here's the classic OGMMTVC list for you to chew on!

1) The Love of Siam (2007) (movie) (review here) 2) My Bromance (2014) (movie) (review here) 3) Love Sick and Love Sick 2 (2014 and 2015) (review here) 4) Gay OK Bangkok Season 1 (2016) (a non-BL queer series directed by Jojo Tichakorn and written by Aof Noppharnach) (review here) 5) Make It Right (2016) (review here) 6) SOTUS (2016-2017) (review here) 7) Gay OK Bangkok Season 2 (2017) (a non-BL queer series directed by Jojo Tichakorn and written by Aof Noppharnach) (review here) 8) Make It Right 2 (2017) (review here) 9) Together With Me (2017) (review here) 10) SOTUS S/Our Skyy x SOTUS (2017-2018) (review here) 11) Love By Chance (2018) (review here) 12) Kiss Me Again: PeteKao cuts (2018) (no review) 13) He’s Coming To Me (2019) (review here) 14) Dark Blue Kiss (2019) and Our Skyy x Kiss Me Again (2018) (review here) 15) TharnType (2019-2020) (review here) 16) Senior Secret Love: Puppy Honey (OffGun BL cuts) (2016 and 2017) (no review) 17) Theory of Love (2019) (review here) 18) 3 Will Be Free (2019) (a non-BL and an important harbinger of things to come in 2019 and beyond re: Jojo Tichakorn pushing queer content in non-BLs) (review here) 19) Dew the Movie (2019) (review here) 20) Until We Meet Again (2019-2020) (review here) (and notes on my UWMA rewatch here) 21) 2gether (2020) and Still 2gether (2020) (review here) 22) I Told Sunset About You (2020) (review here) 23) YYY (2020, out of chronological order) (review here) 24) Manner of Death (2020-2021) (review here) 25) A Tale of Thousand Stars (2021) (review here) 26) A Tale of Thousand Stars (2021) OGMMTVC Fastest Rewatch Known To Humankind For The Sake Of Rewatching Our Skyy 2 x BBS x ATOTS (re-review here) 27) Lovely Writer (2021) (review here) 28) Last Twilight in Phuket (2021) (the mini-special before IPYTM) (review here) 29) I Promised You the Moon (2021) (review here) 30) Not Me (2021-2022) (review here) 31) Bad Buddy (2021-2022) (thesis here) 32) 55:15 Never Too Late (2021-2022) (not a BL, but a GMMTV drama that features a macro BL storyline about shipper culture and the BL industry) (review here) 33) Bad Buddy (2021-2022) and Our Skyy 2 x BBS x ATOTS (2023) OGMMTVC Rewatch (Links to the BBS OGMMTVC Meta Series are here: preamble here, part 1, part 2, part 3a, part 3b, and part 4) 34) Secret Crush On You (2022) (review here) 35) KinnPorsche (2022) (tag here)  36) KinnPorsche (2022) OGMMTVC Fastest Rewatch Known To Humankind For the Sake of Re-Analyzing the KP Cultural Zeitgeist

...interrupting the OGMMTVC list here to watch War of Y (2022) (watching) in chronology to decide if it gets listed...

37) The Eclipse (2022) (tag here) 38) The Eclipse OGMMTVC Rewatch to Reexamine “Genre BLs” and Internalized/Externalized Homophobia in GMMTV Shows  39) GAP (2022-2023) (Thailand’s first GL) 40) My School President (2022-2023) and Our Skyy 2 x My School President (2023) 41) Moonlight Chicken (2023) (tag here) 42) Bed Friend (2023) (tag here) 43 La Pluie (2023) (review coming) 44) Be My Favorite (2023) (tag here) (I’m including this for BMF’s sophisticated commentary on Krist’s career past as a BL icon) 45) Wedding Plan (2023) (Recommended as an important trajectory in the course of MAME’s work and influence from TharnType) 46) Only Friends (2023) (tag here) (not technically a BL, but it certainly became one in the end) 47) Last Twilight (2023-24) (tag here) (on the list as Thailand’s first major BL to center disability, successfully or otherwise) 48) Cherry Magic Thailand (2023-24) (tag here) (on the list as the first major Japanese-to-Thai drama adaptation, featuring the comeback of TayNew) 49) Ossan’s Love Returns (2024) (adding for the EarthMix cameo and the eventual Thai remake) 50) Dead Friend Forever (2024) (thoughts here) 51) 23.5 (tag here) (2024)]

[yikesitskennawrites]

Transitions- Moodboard Chapter: A Night On The Roof With Your Friend

Series Masterlist

Previous Chapter

Pairings: Steven Grant x (platonic) Reader, Marc Spector x (platonic) Reader, Jake Lockley x (platonic) Reader, Layla El-Faouly x (platonic) Reader

A/N: Its good to be back. This chapter has been sitting in my drafts since January last year. I made a post some time in December 2022 or January 2023 for my readers and followers to make a mood board for this series in exchange for a fluff chapter. I like to keep my promises and here it is baby! thank you to @justalittlehoneybee, @ihatemyselfmorethanmydepression, and one other person that I can't find for the mood boards, unfortunately. Thank you so much for being patient for the continuation of this series. I appreciate it!

Mood board

—

NOTE: This chapter takes place between Chapter Forty-Six and Chapter Forty-Seven of Transitions

“It’s been awhile since you took that telescope up to the roof,” Marc says. You pause in poking your bowl of noodles with your fork and glance at him from where you sat at the table. It was nearing nine o’clock in the evening and you were supposed to work and pick up an extra shift for your coworker, Emily. It will be a little earlier than usual tomorrow since she has to take her grandma to the doctors on the weekend because of a weird rash on her leg. You tried to help Jake cook dinner but the apartment nearly caught fire again because of hot oil splashing and an open stove top don’t mix. Luckily, they didn’t blame you for it this time because Jake was trying to teach you how to cook chicken in a skillet on the stove and it was his fault he wasn’t paying attention. 

So, here you are, eating dinner a little too late since it took a while to clean up the mess from your failed attempt and Steven decided that pasta was a better idea than burnt chicken.

“Yeah,” You agree. “It’s been hard trying to find the time to go up there and use it without it being too cloudy.” Your eyes flicker to the window you were just dropped out of not too long ago. The sky has very little clouds which surprised you since there’s almost always clouds during the winter. You can see the moon is in its crescent phase as you absentmindedly poke your noodles. Your eyes trail to his and you stare at him as he looks out the same window you were staring out of just moments ago and hums in agreement. 

“Why don’t we take the telescope to the roof in a bit?” You ask as you return your gaze to your noodles and you scoop them with the fork and chew. 

You can feel his eyes are on you while you eat as he asks, “Don’t you have work tomorrow?” 

“I do.”

“You’ll be tired.”

You shrug, “I’m always tired.”

“You’ll be even more grumpy when you wake.”

“It sounds like you’re trying to make up excuses.”

“I’m not.”

“Okay, so what’s the problem?” You ask in between bites. “Are you going to be tired in the morning when you take me to work? You can come back and take a nap.”

“That’s not it…” He grumbles. You stare at him, his eyes are pointed down at something on the floor. You drop your fork against your bowl and lean back in your chair, deciding that you are done with your half empty bowl.

“So, what is it?”

“It’s nothing.”

“It sure does sound like something.”

“Well, it’s not,” He snaps. Your fingers tap against your thigh as you trail your gaze back over to the window. You can still see the marks that your fingers made when Horus forced you out of it on the wall. Over the past few days since they returned from Algeria you learned that Marc is the type of person where if he wants to do something fun, it has to be your idea. If he wants to watch a certain movie, he’ll give you hints until you ask him to watch the movie with you. Sometimes, Steven picks up on it a bit better than you do and he’ll invite you to watch the movie or go out shopping or do something mundane with them. 

You think Marc just doesn’t know how to ask to spend time with you. Maybe he gets embarrassed to ask or he’s afraid that he’ll be rejected; so it’s better not to ask overall or hint enough for you to pick up. It was a decent night to go up to the roof and gaze at the stars, you would like it to be warmer but you can just layer up and steal Stevens mittens if you need to. Besides, what’s the chances of you falling asleep before eleven tonight, anyways? Jake has to go do his nightly patrolling and you’ll just be wound up until he comes back. 

“Okay,” You breathe out as you grab your bowl and stand up. “I’m going to go get a jacket and some thicker pants before I head up, you’re welcome to join me if you want.” 

“It’s cold out,” He tells you as you walk to the trash and scrape the remaining pasta into it. 

“I know, that’s why I’m taking your thicker sweatpants. Y’know, the ones with the fur on the inside.” You wash your dishes before setting them on the drying rack and passing Marc, who remained in his seat, and going to their dresser to steal his clothes. You rummage through their drawer and pull out a thick pair of socks before taking out the blue threaded bottoms you were talking about. You pull on the sweatpants over your own pajama bottoms and tie them around your waist before pulling on the socks. You grab a sweatshirt from the end of the bed and put it over your t-shirt before slipping on your shoes and walking to the coat rack. You shrug on the jacket that once belonged to Marc- and now it was yours- as you turn towards him.

“It’s a little cloudy out,” He says as he peers out the window.

“I see some patches open,” You tell him without looking out the glass pane. You grab your lanyard, the thin cloth feeling small in between your fingers as you tell him that you’re getting the telescope and going to the roof. Walking down the short distance to your apartment and unlocking the door, you peer into the moonlit room. The cracks in the window are still visible and the floor in front of the door where the intruder was killed is clean of any bloodstain that could be seen just by the naked eye. You know that just behind the picture frame of your parents that there was a hole in the drywall caused by your laptop hitting it. 

So much has happened in this flat over the last six months. You spent time on the floor during the summer heat wave, eating popsicles with your neighbor and trying to not peel your skin off when your thighs stuck to the floor due to your sweat. You also tracked blood from the entryway across the floor to the bathroom when you came back from dinner with your neighbor and got ambushed. You cleaned the broken bulb in the kitchen when Khonshu decided to be extra and shatter it. You were pressed up against the window by Horus and held out of it once, although he didn’t confirm nor deny that it was him. He seemed to ignore your statement when he decided to drop you out the window of Stevens flat after you rejected his offer. 

You can’t believe that a deity saved your life twice, the first when they made you move and fight the cult member; and the second when they stopped you from hitting the pavement after Horus dropped you. Taweret has healed you before but she was never in an active role such as this god. Taweret healed your injuries after you got mugged and the Eye of Horus paper was ripped. She didn’t save you from hitting the pavement, you’re sure of it. 

You spent a little over a year in this apartment being alone but not with the anxiety that seems to be more common these days than it should be. Now you spend more time anywhere but here. You spend more nights at your neighbors and Laylas than you do with your stolen table and couch you bought at a yard sale. So much has happened in such little time. If you didn’t have the knowledge of the things that happened here, you wouldn’t have thought twice about walking on the floor, especially in the entryway. Your hand reaches through the entry way and you flip on the light switch before taking a large step over the patch where you killed the man and heading towards the telescope propped against the wall in the far corner of the room near the couch. 

You would have left it at Stevens place but he doesn’t have much room, besides you shouldn’t clutter his space with your things. It's not like you’re paying rent at his place even though you eat his food, sleep in his bed, and take a shower in his bathroom. Your hands grasp onto the cool metal of the scope as you pause in your steps. Are you just laying in their bed and taking up his space without doing anything useful? You’re not contributing to his home even with the amount of time you spend there. You do the dishes when he cooks or you dirty them. You do the laundry and you have tried to pitch in for groceries but they refused to allow you to do so. But, you haven’t done much else. 

You should talk to them sometime about that. But how do you bring it up to your neighbor that you should pay some portion of their rent just because you take up their space? Can you even afford to do that? You know that you have some money saved up since you don’t grocery shop as much and your water bill is nonexistent since you don’t use your sinks or shower for your own apartment. But, is that enough to give them every month? 

You don’t know, maybe you should think more on this before bringing it up to them. You’re sure that Marc won’t want to chat to you about this, it was more of a Steven conversation, right? It is Stevens' apartment, it is in his name but…Jake and Marc live there too and they are part of Steven just as much as he is part of them. So, shouldn’t this conversation include everyone? 

You carry the telescope towards the exit before your eyes catch the notebook and pencil resting on your coffee table. It is nearly filled with notes on your classes about your upcoming exams before the winter break and you are feeling nervous about them. If you don’t pass, you’ll have to contact your counselor and have a one-on-one conversation with them about why you didn’t pass your class and what you can do in the next term to improve your education. It doesn’t sound terrible, but it truly is because you are considered dead and if your counselor recognizes you, you are fucked. You grab the notebook and pencil, tucking the lead into the metal spiral holding the book together before you pick up the telescope. Are you asking them to move in if you bring up the rent issue? 

Afterall, you were considering paying for their place rather than yours when you thought that they were dead. A small knot in your stomach twists at the memory of those days. Quickly, you push it away and take a breath of air to calm yourself. Should you be the one to bring this up? It sounds like you're possibly inviting yourself to move in one hundred percent. It is their apartment and so far they don't have any problems about your living arrangement. But that doesn't mean they won't if you decide to ask them about it. Who knows, maybe they're going to be against the idea. They are grown men and it is a bit weird that a teenager who is unrelated to them is living with them. 

You should wait to see if they'll bring it up themselves, you shouldn't question them if you should move into their apartment and withdraw from your own space. Mentally, you bookmark the topic and decide to focus on the task of getting outside. Pushing open the door to the rooftop, you walk up the steps and immediately get the shivers from the cool breeze. Goosebumps cover your skin and the metal of the telescope seems to make your hands ten times colder in the stairway. You're not even completely on the roof and you are beginning to. It almost makes you return to the boys apartment to be warm on a soft bed and underneath a pile of blankets. But, instead you persevere and push forward into the December night. Dozens of white dots litter the night sky as if brush was flicked among a canvas. Tonight was going to be great, you can feel it in your bones; although that might be the chill. 

The gravel on the rooftop, crunches underneath your shoes as you walk further onto the roof. Setting down your notebook, you open up your telescope and place it carefully onto its three legs and remove the lens cover before peeking through the scope and at the stars above you. It took a few extra seconds for the lens to adjust and the blurriness to fade, but there above you in all its might was a beautiful sight. The stars never seem to not amaze you. Slowly, you exhale and vapor leaves your mouth as you stuff your hands into your sweats. Maybe in another life you were in university and studying the stars. Maybe in that life you and your best friend are attending the same school. Your hands clench a bit at the thought of her and your stomach turns in grief. What is she up to? You wonder. She has to be completing her highschool education since you are too; or maybe she took a gap year to process your “death.”

Maybe she has a partner or maybe shes attending school but she’s fucking around in it. Maybe she no longer gives a damn about her education since five years were taken from her and so were you. This time this year you both should be applying for scholarships and studying at each other's homes. You both should be brainstorming christmas crafts and teasing her about her wonky paper mache stars from the previous years. But, instead you took a one way plane ride to the other side of the world and cut all the strings that once tied you to your previous life.  You can think of all the alternate lives another you are living all you want, but the simple conclusion is that it is not this one, so why bother? Why think of all the what ifs and the could be when it's no use. It won't change anything, all it will do is make you mourn for the should be’s. 

 You swallow around the lump forming in your throat. Where’s Marc? You think. It felt like it's been too long since you last saw him. It’s definitely been long enough for you to reflect on alternate lives. Perhaps he wasn’t coming and was just making a mere observation that it has been a long time since you took the telescope up to the roof. They did buy you that as a birthday gift and you only have ever used it once. That's an expensive dust collector for your apartment. Did you really come to the roof all by yourself and set everything with the expectation for him to come but get stood up instead? You don’t doubt it. Maybe he decided to go on patrol instead. You came up here with the intent to have a good night and that's exactly what is going to happen. Fuck it if Horus comes and threatens you when you’re all by your lonesome. Fuck him. You can’t let that fear stop you from living your life. 

“Fine,” You breathe out. “He doesn’t have to join me, but he could at the very least have told me they’re going on patrol.” The noise of the door opening behind you causes you to turn and your heart to skip a beat in your chest. Marc's cheeks become tinted red as the winter breeze softly blows into him. 

You clear your throat a bit before you tell him, “I was beginning to think that you weren’t going to take my invite.” You watch him cross the space to you. He holds a navy bubble jacket to his chest as he breathes out, vapor drifting from him as he does so. 

“I should have stayed inside,” He grumbles and hands you the jacket. “Take it and put it on, you’re going to get a cold and I don’t want to deal with you being sick again.”

“Thanks,” You snatch it from him and slide it on before zipping it up. You feel like you’re the Michelin Tire Mascot. All puffed up on your torso and arms which is making it difficult to move an inch but you’re warm with the three layers of tops you have on. A warm feeling drips down from your chest and pools in your gut. It was a feeling that you recognize so easily, you are grateful for his appearance even though you told yourself you were okay with them not showing. You are grateful for everything that they have done for you.

“You’re going to catch your death at this rate.”

“Probably,” You shrug as you step away from the telescope and sit down onto the gravel. You reach for the notebook and pencil a couple of inches away from you.The rocks press harshly into your legs and butt and you know that when you stand up again that you’re going to have rock imprints upon your body even through the clothes. You shift in your spot and try to get comfortable upon the cold ground before you feel his eyes burning into you. Your eyes flicker up and he was giving you a questioning look. 

“What’s that for?” He asks and points to your lap. 

“The notebook?” You raise it a bit and show him your pencil. “I’m charting some stars.” He clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth in response and stuffs his hands into his pockets. The curls on his head blow softly as another breeze passes through you and your papers ruffle a bit. You move your attention to the paper in your lap and begin to chart the stars, glancing back and forth between the sky above you and the notebook you held. You only charted one constellation before you look up and see Marc eying the telescope. 

“Do you want to use it?” You ask and he doesn’t answer which causes you to set down your pencil. “It’s okay if you do. You can use the telescope anytime you want, Marc.”

“Any time?”

“Yes, Marc, any time.” You tell him and pick up the pencil once more to continue. He bends down and adjusts the height for the scope before peering into it. For a while, the only sound between the two of you was the traffic below, the single plane flying in the distance, and your pencil scratching against the surface of the paper. You were feeling content and at peace with it. Marc and you never really spoke for a long time before and you weren’t expecting to now. It was just how the two of you typically interacted. You would sometimes say something or he would too and you always let the silence settle between you before Steven fronts and decides to interact with you. It hasn’t made you uncomfortable in a long time, not since you first met them and felt like you had to cram in conversation every single second so none of you would be awkward. 

It just felt comfortable and peaceful; and you were beginning to settle into it when he said, “Did you know that our sun is a dwarf star?” You did. You learned it in science class when you were a sophomore. It was one of the few introductions to the upper grades astronomy class that your teacher was trying to get your fellow students to be interested in and take within the next two years of highschool. You took that biology class with your best friend and wrote notes back and forth to each other. Marc should know that you already knew it since you were so invested in astrophysics. Which could only mean he was just asking you to have a conversation. 

“Yeah,” You tell him as you glance at the constellation you were sketching before returning your gaze to your notebook. “I learned that when I was a sophomore.” 

He doesn't look at you but focuses on whatever he was looking at as he says, “I loved space when I was a kid. I used to want to be an astronaut. I wanted to be thousands of miles away from home and among the stars. I wanted to visit the moon.” He pauses, causing you to look at him as you roll your pencil between your fingers. “Maybe I would be an astrophysicist like you want to be.” You still want to be, he knows you do and the longing for another life will never go away.

“What happened?” You ask even though you know the answer. 

“I left home as soon as I turned eighteen and joined the army. My dreams stopped.” He shrugs his shoulders as you take in his statement. The adult who you have come to know was a child once. He had dreams and aspirations. He had favorite superheroes in comic books and a favorite cereal. He had a favorite toy and a favorite park to go to. He had preferences over playing on the slide or swings. He once knew the channel number for kids shows. All of that sunk down deep into the starry ocean to never come to the surface again. To never matter. 

 “The best version of yourself has yet to come, kid.” He says. “Don't give up on them.” How could he say that even though he knows you can't do anything about your old aspirations. It kind of felt a punch to your gut, everything felt impossible to do. The idea of succeeding was just dead hope. Your lips part slightly as you get ready to tell him how wrong he is but quickly shut it. He was trying to boost your morals and give you unnecessary pep talk. You don't need that, you know the reality of everything; although you decide to keep quiet about it for tonight. Maybe some other time you'll argue it but tonight wasn't the night for it. You want to keep the peace and have a good time. It was one of the rare times that there was no danger, but rather you and them and the stars above. 

 “Can you help me with charting?” You ask him, he stands up straight and turns away from the scope to look at you. His eyes travel down to the notebook in your lap and back to your face with a questioning gaze. 

“What do you need?” He asks. Honestly, you don’t need the help. You can see the night sky clearly and you can easily tell what the constellations were. He knew that and you know that he knows, but you still want to keep the conversation rolling. 

“Just the location of the stars and the constellations.” You tell him. He stares at you for a moment with a look of something you can’t quite place. Perhaps he was calling your bluff and getting ready to tell you no and leave to go patrol. Maybe he was thinking about how you managed to invite him to a cold ass rooftop at ten in the evening and he agreed to it and now he’s regretting it because of your stupid request. Maybe he was listening to Steven beg him to help you. 

“Yeah,” He tells you.“It’s no problem.” His acceptance somewhat surprises you. You thought he was going to reject you and tell you that you can do it without his help. “Where do you want me to start?”

“Okay, cool,” You pause and glance down to the sketch of what you already started. “Uh, can you start with the one next to the Big Dipper?”

“Did you begin with that one?”

“Yeah, it's easier to go from there than to start with any other one,” You lie, really it was just the easiest one to draw and seek out. It was also your favorite so you put more detail into it than you will with the other constellations. You don’t want to be burnt out by the time you get to it and do a halfass job at doing it justice. He turns around and looks at the sky. 

“Okay, so… I think the next one has a kind of shape to it like a rhombus and a triangle for the left side.”

“Like it's a wonky hedgehog without legs?” You ask and he laughs.

“I guess you could say that.” He says and you swear you hear a smile in his voice as he speaks

“Or a gnome without limbs.” You add.

“Some might say it's a house but turned on its side.” 

“That’s too boring.” You shake your head a bit and release a breathy laugh as you sketch it. You spent the next hour drawing his descriptions and making small talk and jokes as the time passed. It wasn’t until you finish your fifth drawing that a yawn escape your mouth and you feel sleep pulling at your eyes. It was getting late and you do need to get ready for bed. You do have to go to work tomorrow as much as that sucks.  You know that you’re not going to get any rest until they come back but you do have to try. Besides, the sooner they leave the quicker they come back and the more rest you’re going to get.

“Okay,” You say. “I’m ready to call it.” You sign your own name before placing the pencil on the notebook and lifting it up towards him. He raises an eyebrow at you and you sniffle from the cold. Being underneath the blankets in a warm and cozy bed sounds amazing and you are so ready for that.

“Sign it,” You tell him, trying to balance the lead on the page so it wouldn’t fall off. 

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“Why do you want me to sign it? I barely even helped with it.”

“You did though, you told me where the constellations were and what shapes they should be.” You nod your chin to the notebook. He wasn’t going to get out of not signing it. He did help and he deserves the credit as much as you do. Besides, it will be a fun memory to come across in the future. He takes the book from you and scribbles his name down into something barely legible. As he hands it back, you can recognize the first two letters of his first and last name. You can feel the corner of your lips tilt up and you do your best to hide your happiness as you stand and brush off the pebbles from your body. 

“You have work tomorrow.” He comments as another yawn leaves you. 

“Yeah, yeah.” You grumble as you tuck the book underneath your arm as Marc collapses the telescope. Silence is between the two of you and it's not uncomfortable at all. It feels more like the type of silence where the party is over and you both had a good time and now it's time to focus on the other tasks at hand. You head down the stairs and he shuts the door behind you with the items in hand. 

“This was your idea, you know.” He tells you. It was, kind of. Wasn’t he the one who originally commented on the night sky? You can’t really remember, your brain feels too tired to recall any memories leading up to the last couple of hours. 

“Yeah,” You breathe out as you unlock your apartment door. He brushes past you and sets the telescope next to your couch. “I know.” From the hallway, as you watch him return to you, you can see his face is flushed red from the cold but his eyes are a little brighter than before you went up to the roof. He had a good time and you feel glad that you can clearly see that on his face.

“Bedtime,” He tells you and you roll your eyes. 

“I’m not a kid,” You grumble as you lock your apartment door and head towards their apartment. 

“You’re going to be grumpy in the morning like a child would be.” 

“Speak for yourself, you’re always grumpy.” You tell him. He exhales like a laugh leaves him.  

The corner of his lips tilts up in a smile you don’t mention, “We’ll see.”

—

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[n7sloth]

Sorry for the long story. Skip if you don't care about religious stuff.

In roughly 2012, I was living in Chicago. At that time, I didn't consider myself religious. I'd been born Catholic, confirmed Protestant, weakly tried to dabble in witchcraft I didn't really believe in in my early 20s, and by 2012 I was 32 and just didn't believe in anything.

But some part of me *wanted* to, if that makes sense? I felt like something was missing. But nothing seemed to vibe.

So in summer of that year I was walking up the street headed to Millenium Park to just go and people watch for a bit, and I passed two nuns and a priest.

No, this post isn't what you're thinking now. But there's a point here. The point is that it was still summer, albeit late, and it was hot and humid. And here were these two young women and a young man, absolutely covered neck to toe in black, and the women had small head coverings. I felt stifled on their behalf. But here they were, laughing together and walking as if they didn't notice.

I wanted that sense of importance. I wanted something to mean enough to me that I was willing to be that uncomfortable. Does that make sense? Not that I wanted to suffer, but that it wouldn't *feel* like suffering, because I *believed* enough.

That bothered me for a few years. Then, kind of unbidden and unprompted a few years later, a little voice in the back of my mind suggested I look into Judaism. I spoke with a Jewish friend, but I didn't know what to ask. How was someone raised at minimum secularly Christian supposed to know what questions to ask to unlearn what I'd been taught?

I kinda got frustrated and let it go for another couple of years.

In 2021ish, during lockdown, I found a woman on TikTok who was live streaming her synagogues services (with their permission) and I fell in love. Everything about it felt like coming home; plus the music was just gorgeous.

In 2022 when isolation relaxed a little and some in-person services resumed, I found a Reform temple nearby and started attending services. I was immediately welcomed and treated as a friend and equal, even without being Jewish yet. I took intro to judaism twice, and in late 2023, I was invited to be a founding member of the temples first Pride group, for representation, education, and inclusion.

I was so honored. Of course I joined. We went through the process of being officially vetted and voted on by the Board, and became an official group. In June of this year, for the annual Pride Shabbat service, I was invited to be part of a small Q&A panel to help provide insight and education on how to support your queer brethren.

And then the rabbi left. And a new one came in.

Suddenly, one of my friends in the Pride group was denied membership into a women's group because her spouse wasn't Jewish and "it might make others uncomfortable". (She is in a straight/straight-passing marriage.) Other board members were present and heard this, and said nothing.

She brought it up to the new rabbi, who declared that the board had final say and could do as they pleased. So she left the shul entirely.

Later, another member reported that the board didn't "trust" the Pride group, because they "didn't know what they were up to". Despite having officers that could easily have answered any questions.

So I left, too. I no longer felt safe and welcomed. But I didn't want to give up, either.

I reached out to the rabbi who leads the shul i started with - the one I joined on TikTok. And while I haven't heard from her personally yet (because my dumb ass emailed during the High Holy Days) I'm still excited. Because at least I'm trying. Plus I've signed up to attend two of their HHD services.

Im not giving up on this. I *will* find someone who accepts me for who I am and is willing to teach me. This is what I've been chasing for 10 years now. I just want to come home.

[watchmegetobsessed]

❄️HOT AND COLD❄️

A/N: week 2 of fanficmas yeah!! this was the first fic i wrote, some good ol' college!harry to get you all cozy hehe

WORD COUNT: 2.1k

SUMMARY: You decided to spend two more days at the dorm before heading home to have some peace and work on your assignments. However you didn't expect them to turn the heating off once everyone left. No worries, the hot guy living next door is ready to keep you warm.

MASTERLIST | SUPPORT ME!

This fic is part of ❄️ FANFICmas 2022 ❄️ Read more about fanficmas here!

You thought staying two extra days in the dorm before going home for the holidays would be a great idea. Have some quiet and peace for yourself, finish some assignments so you don’t stress about them during Christmas. Theoretically, it was a fantastic idea.

In reality? The worst one you’ve ever had.

You didn’t think they would turn down the heating the moment the dorm empties out. Well, it’s a logical thing to do, but it never occurred to you and you only realized it when the temperature started dropping significantly after the last wave of students left in the morning. You went out to run errands and you could feel the change when you arrived back. The hallways were chillier and your room started to feel like a cave. At first you just sucked it up, put on a hoodie, wrapped yourself in a blanket and got down to business. Your uncle always said you can decide whether you’re cold or not, so you kept thinking about hot things to keep your mind off of how freezing it was starting to get.

Hot tea.

Hot chocolate.

A tub of hot water.

Freshly baked, hot cookies.

The hot guy next door.

Wait, what? How did you end up thinking about Harry?

As you sit on your bed with your textbooks surrounding you, an all too familiar voice makes your ears perk up. You’d recognize it anywhere and it never fails to make your heart pitter-patter, but now you’re surprised to hear it since you thought you were the last one left in the building.

Well, you were wrong.

You hear Harry Styles striding down the hallway, singing Jingle Bells without a care. You get out of bed before you could think and throw your door open, catching him by surprise judging from the little jump he does as he turns around.

“Y/N? You’re still here?”

“I was just about to ask the same question from you,” you chuckle, stepping out into the hallway, but your smile soon turns into shock when you see him sporting shorts and just a shirt. “How have you not turned into ice wearing that?”

Chuckling he looks down at himself.

“I have a heater of my own. I could turn my room into a sauna,” he jokes and you can’t help a stupid laugh that slips out of your mouth.

You always lose your cool around him, he’s been your ultimate college crush since you moved in at the beginning of the semester and you usually end up making a fool of yourself in front of him. Whether it’s talking gibberish or dripping eggs when he walks into the kitchen, he has seen you at your worst in these two months you’ve been living next to each other.

“You’re not going home for winter break?” he asks, striking up a conversation and you pray you don’t embarrass yourself this time.

“Oh, I am, but only late tomorrow. Wanted some alone time before going home to the family, study and stuff, you know…”

“Clever,” he nods with a smile.

“What about you?”

“I’m leaving tomorrow too, I was supposed to go home today, but my flight got cancelled.”

“That sucks, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” he shrugs. “You’re sitting in your cold room all by yourself?”

“Well, not everyone has their own fireplace,” you snort out a laugh, but it sounded funnier in your head for sure.

“Come over to mine,” he offers and you have to fight yourself not to let your mouth hang open.

You’ve hung out before, ran into each other at parties and while your crush is deeply rooted at this point, you two aren’t exactly the closest friends, you haven’t been in his room before, haven’t even hugged him so entering into his private space is the most intimate you’d ever get with him.

“Um, I don’t want to bother—“

“Y/N, you’re not bothering, I’m just playing video games.”

“B-But still…”

“You’d rather freeze to death in your room than to be around me? I have to say I’m a little hurt.” With a hand over his heart he gives you a disappointed look, though you can tell he’s just teasing you.

“You really don’t mind?”

“I wouldn’t have invited you over if I did. Come on, bring all your stuff.”

And so you end up moving over to Harry’s room that feels like paradise. The temperature is perfect, you can get rid of your hoodie as you settle on top of his bed while he sits by his desk with his PC, some kind of action game paused on the screen.

His room is oddly tidy for a college boy. The bed was made even before you appeared, there are no dirty clothes on the floor, only in the hamper in the corner, his bookshelf is crowded, but it seems to have a system in it that probably only he knows.

“Is it warm enough?” he asks, settling at his computer.

“Yeah, thanks,” you nod, feeling a bit out of place, but the warmth feels nice.

“Cool,” he nods before turning back to his game and unpausing it.

For the first hour you just coexist in peace. It takes you some time to focus on studying with Harry being so close and also being in Harry’s room, but the feeling wears down and you can finally work efficiently while he keeps himself busy with his game. But then he stops playing and becomes more interested in whatever you are doing.

“You haven’t finished this sheet yet?” he asks, holding up the statistics task sheet you’ve been putting off for over a month now.

“No,” you sigh in defeat. “I’m not really good at statistics.”

“Want me to help? I’m in Dr. Thomson’s Thursday class, but we went over the same thing too.”

“It’s my homework, I don’t want to bore you with it.”

“It’s fine, I actually liked these tasks.”

So then the evening turns into tutoring, Harry sits on the bed beside you, explaining you how to solve the tasks and even shows a better method you understand way more than what you were taught. After that, he just sticks to studying with you, though it slowly turns into anything and everything but studying. He clearly loses interest in helping you, but he doesn’t seem to want to leave you alone and your focus breaks too. Of course you’d rather hang out with Harry than write a paper on Switzerland’s economy!

You’re having a blast. Both of you. It’s the first time hanging out one-on-one, but it’s going better than you imagined. You haven’t made a fool out of yourself, even cracked some jokes that made him laugh, though he is surely the funnier one. He is telling you all kinds of crazy stories from before college and also asks you about your high school years.

“Mm, this was great, though I did not get as much done as I planned to,” you chuckle, taking a look at your stack of textbooks.

“But we had a good time and that’s all that matters,” he grins at you, hugging his pillow.

“Alright. I’ll get out of your hair,” you move to pack your things and return to your room, but then he speaks up.

“What are you doing?”

“Going back to my room.”

“You didn’t think I would let you sleep in the cold, did you?”

“What, you want me to sleep here?” you raise your eyebrows at him.

“Sure. There’s plenty of space for us. You’re sleeping here tonight,” he simply states.

About twenty minutes later, you’re sitting on the edge of his bed in your pajamas, waiting for him to return from his shower.

You’re really about to sleep in the same bed as Harry Styles. Hopefully you won’t kick him in the groin or say something stupid in your dreams or drool on him or—“

“You look worried,” he comments as he walks in, dropping his used clothes into his hamper. “Everything alright?”

“Yeah, everything is fine. Totally awesome and perfect!”

God, you are so awkward!

“Okay,” he smiles to himself. “Take whatever side you want. It’s not a king sized bed, but it’s fine for two people for one night.”

You gulp at the thought of Harry spending the night here with another girl, jealousy bubbles in your chest.

“At least Niall and I survived the time he got locked out of his room,” he adds with a chuckle and you exhale in relief.

You end up taking the inner side of the bed and you lie on your side as he makes himself comfortable on the outer side. It’s really not too spacious, but at least it’s warm and smells like Harry.

“Thanks for… letting me crash here,” you whisper into the silence. Harry turns to you with a tiny, but charming smile.

“I’m glad it’s you I have to share my warmth with,” he cheekily says and heat rushes into your cheeks right away. “Good night, Y/N.”

“Good night, Harry.”

 

You knew you’d end up tangled together. It was inevitable in such a small space. But still, your heart starts racing when you wake up and find yourself cuddling Harry, who has his arms around you as well. He’s warm and soft, definitely meant to be cuddled in your humble opinion.

He stirs in his sleep and your heart jumps when his eyes flutter open. He doesn’t move away, in fact, he pulls you closer as he exhales lazily.

“Good morning,” he mumbles groggily.

“Mornin’,” you breathe out, feeling like a giddy little girl.

 “I hope you weren’t cold,” he chuckles softly and you feel his chest vibrating underneath your cheek.

“No. I felt nice and warm.”

“Alright,” he smiles. “When is your flight?”

“Five thirty. What about yours?”

“Six. Want to share an Uber to the airport?”

“Sure,” you nod.

You spend most of your time left together. You grab a late breakfast, then hang out in his room and not just because his room is the only place in the building that hasn’t turned into a freezer. It feels natural to be around each other.

Then you share a ride to the airport, grab coffee and then wait together until it’s time for you to go to your gate.

“Well, have a great time at home,” he smiles at you.

“You too. Thanks for… everything,” you chuckle softly. “I’ll see you after the break and...”

Don’t forget about me, you want to say, but you bite it back.

There’s something hanging between the two of you, something unsaid and you fear you’ll have to leave without changing that.

“Okay, I’ll… go,” you mumble, grabbing your suitcase, but before you could walk away, Harry pulls you back.

“When we come back, do you want to… Do you want to go out? With me?”

You can’t stop your mouth from hanging open this time, his question came as a total shock.

“Honestly, I’ve been crushing on you for a while, but every time we spoke you seemed so frightened and ran away, so I took it as a sign,” he admits with a nervous chuckle. “But I think last night was nice, I liked hanging out with you and there’s a chance you feel the same way, so I thought I would… shoot my shot.”

You open your mouth, but then close it as his words sink in. He thought you didn’t like him. Because you ran away from him. But that was because you were into him. What a mess.

“Yes,” is all that comes out of your mouth at last.

“Yes as in…?”

“Yes, I want to go out with you,” you elaborate chuckling. “And I only ran away because I really liked you and I was too nervous.”

You watch his face light up before he nods.

“Great! I mean, not that you were too nervous,” he grins. “So then… Date. When we come back.”

“Yeah,” you nod, mirroring his widening smile. “I have to… I have to go now.”

“Alright. See you… next year then,” he chuckles and leaning closer he kisses the corner of your mouth before you part ways.

After that, you’re basically glued to your phone, nonstop talking to Harry throughout winter break and you’ve never wanted to return to school so badly before. You text, call and send pictures to each other continuously and you can’t even remember the times when it wasn’t like this.

When you return to campus in January, your excitement is kicking high, though on the day of your arrival, Harry’s responses come way less often than they used to, but you’re not trying to see too much into it.

As you’re unpacking your suitcase there’s a knock on your door and when you open it, your heart skips not just one, but probably several beats when you see him standing in the hallway with a bouquet of flowers in his hands.

“Don’t you feel cold in here? I think you should come over to my room.”

Thank you for reading, please like and reblog if you enjoyed and buy me a coffee if you want to support me!

[the-whispers-of-death]

Let me preface this by saying this not a usual Reader Drabble, this is for my OC "Stone" who is a Fleet Marine Corpsman in the U.S. Navy who is lent to the Task Force 141 to be their medic as a gesture of goodwill between the U.S. and the UK. And all of 17 of you know of him from "Save Me from Myself (Chapter 1)" and I most likely will not be updating that any time soon because I have not finished writing a work since late 2022-early 2023 and I just keep looking at the unfinished chapter two of "Save Me from Myself" and wanting to curl up in a ball because I'm not motivated.

But I do have little bits of brain rot for Stone, so here it is. Okay, so Stone is cold and stoic, right? He's not one for making friends and he's freakishly tall (at 6'8") so he's an intimidating man when combined with his lack of friendliness. But still, he's too good of a Corpsman for the Task Force to turn him away. So they just deal with his behavior, grimacing whenever he patches them up efficiently but roughly because the man has no proper bedside manner.

But interactions with him can get... weird, almost. Especially with regarding his masala chai that he makes every morning for himself.

He'll glare at Ghost if Ghost comes around the stove while Stone's making the chai and maybe he'll growl beneath his muzzle-like mask if Ghost pushes his luck by asking for a cup (or cuppa as the British people say).

But then one day, Ghost looks particularly weary, in body language alone of course, and all of a sudden, a cup of chai is pushed into his hands and before he even realizes it, Stone is walking down the hallway like he didn't just give Ghost a cup of chai.

After a particularly rough day of working and just being basically holed up in his office doing so much paperwork, Price comes to his barracks for the night and there it is.

A lone, hot cup of chai on his nightstand, waiting for Price to drink it so that he could relax enough to sleep.

There's no Stone in sight, because that would've been so creepy, but Price knows it's from the tall, cold Corpsman because he can smell the Indian spices when he picks the cup up to drink. And the trend continues whenever Price is feeling absolutely exhausted but also has his mind racing too much to sleep.

Gaz knows better than to try and drink Stone's chai, he's seen how Stone reacted to Ghost asking for a cup. So he most likely just tries his best to be out of the recreational room in the mornings so that he's out of the woods of interacting with Stone while Stone's making the chai.

But one day, he woke up after one of the worst nightmares he's had in a while and he stumbles into the recreational room and there Stone is, making his chai. And Gaz, like a total sweetheart, just says good morning and even though he's eyeing that hot chai that would totally soothe him and his racing heart, he forces himself to go to the fridge and take out some food for breakfast. Only for Stone to slide over a cup of chai over to him after a few minutes, looking anywhere except Gaz like he hadn't just done something. (Yes, I think Stone would like Gaz more than the rest, enough that he'd be around Gaz after giving him some chai.)

Soap getting a cup of chai is the funniest, because he doesn't like tea. He's the only one who doesn't eye Stone's cups of chai, but he too cannot escape Stone giving him a cup.

It happens when Soap gets sick, the Sergeant having gotten a cold after a previous mission in a rather colder climate and he hadn't been properly covered up fully. He's sort of still in a sickly haze, but he's able to be up and about, kinda.

He was straight up just stumbling a bit as he moved along the base hallways, when all of a sudden he just gets pulled into the recreational room and to the couch. He gets sat down and a cup of chai is placed in his hands, Stone's heavy footsteps walking out of the room the only indication Soap has that it was in fact Stone who pulled him into the room.

And he's so tempted not to drink the chai, hates the way tea tastes and he doesn't think Stone's will be any better, but his sore throat begs him to, so he eventually drinks it. And lo and behold, he actually likes it better than any of the teas Ghost, Price, and Gaz make.

Reblogs are welcomed & appreciated!

[roo-bastmoon]

The Long Game

First, let's acknowledge some major mismanagement by BigHit. Then, let's talk about what I think *might possibly* be their long game.

These are just guesses I have right now--I'm not stating facts and my opinions are subject to change as new info becomes available. But come with me for a few minutes...

In early 2022, Jimin's mail was "omitted" four times by BigHit employees, which lead to late insurance premium payments, which led to an on-paper "seizure" of his apartment. The press sat on that news for three months until the day his With You OST dropped and the scandal overshadowed his release. Jimin went to ground, avoided all social media for months. At this time, Jimin's personal information was leaked on the internet, and that was the last time we saw Jikook hang out alone that we know of.

Now in 2023, since Jimin's album FACE dropped, we already know about the sabotaged sales and streams by Hanteo, Billboard, YouTube, and Spotify. There was the issue with his in-ears not working properly during an encore. On top of all that drama, BigHit didn't get all the physicals shipped in time, they didn't playlist his songs for several days, they never sent his songs to radio (that we can see), they made one tweet to acknowledge Jimin's #1 on Hot100 but nothing else--not even a cake like the other solo albums got, they didn't let him film more than two music videos when they did that for their new groups, the press releases about their stocks going up after Hot100 also credited their new groups, and Jimin only had 9 days of uninterrupted promo between other members' works.

Now I am not a conspiracy theorist. I well understand that the military enlistment compressed schedules, and that each member had say in their creative works and promotions. I'm not a manti. But none of the above is a good look. Add up all those fumbles together, and you could make a solid case for mismanagement.

And now today, we see PD Bang on the cover of Billboard (which, OF COURSE, mentioned Blackpink in the same breath).

JUST LOOK AT THE WAY THE STORY IS BEING SHAPED FOR AMERICAN READERS. You see what's happening here? You think SM is gonna get a cover story for their side of the corporate shakedown?

And then there's this little gem:

"If your question is about the possibility of creating an artist like BTS again, the answer is no. However, if you were to ask whether there would be a K-pop artist from HYBE that tops the Billboard Hot 100 chart, my answer would be yes. [Jimin became the first BTS member to achieve this as a solo act on April 3 when his single “Like Crazy” debuted at No. 1.] The experience of managing BTS and operating different labels gave us access to powerful networks, infrastructures and experiences. With these, HYBE can repeat its remarkable results with the help of talented artists.

Okay so before everyone starts rioting online, take a moment, pause, reflect, think about what all might be going on here, behind the scenes, in this very political world of the music business.

Do I think Bang PD screwed Jimin over to score points with Billboard? No, I do not. But neither do I think Jimin's solo effort is anyone's priority but Jimin's.

"HYBE is primarily focusing on leveraging its accumulated expertise in managing and producing acts that consist of multiple members, rather than solo artists or mixed-gender groups in K-pop."

I think no one ever expected Jimin to make it to #1 on Hot100 and industry insiders felt pretty sure the West wouldn't let him stay in the top 10 the next week. Why? Well, partially racism. But mostly it's bad for their bottom line.

If your entire business model is that people pay for radio play and that gets them on your private chart and the private chart leads to more advertisers and awards... and then someone comes along and DOESN'T pay to play and gets to the top of your chart? Nobody needs you. So you HAVE to sabotage them. You absolutely have to change your rules. (I'm just sitting here waiting for Jimin to release his other songs so that Billboard can change their rules to say you can't be on Hot100 if your name starts with J- and ends with -imin.)

Now, it might have been satisfying for us as fans to see BigHit come out swinging and put Billboard on blast for his sake and ours. But they have ZERO. LEGAL. RECOURSE.

Billboard is privately owned and they can make whatever rules they want. They are part of a larger media company that has connections to every media outlet; no one is gonna publish an exposé any time soon, I promise you. We got exactly ONE English-speaking website to write about it and that was it. Everyone in the industry knows what is going on, and no one has the power to do anything much about it.

So what does that mean for the future?

Well... Bang PD just recently paid a HUGE mark up of $26 million to buy Trevor Noah's home out in LA.

And now he's on the cover of Billboard. WHY? Neither of these things will result in any immediate payout for him.

It's a long game.

And frankly, a very old and honored way of doing business. It's how they went up against the big three and it's how they are gonna go up against the West, I feel it in my gut.

Bang PD is getting a home on US soil. He will be paying US taxes. He's making in-roads by being nice with Billboard folks. He's making contacts; he's already had phone calls with Pharrell and Bieber and Grande and Laroi. Some of those are already shaping into collabs. We already know Hybe has set up shop in the US with Scooter at the helm.

Meanwhile, BigHit is adjusting in real time to the new rules around the charts (culling is happening to Yoongi too, so they changed up the check-out process of the BTS US Store). Suddenly there's plenty of focus on promoting via TikTok and other viral social media. They are dipping their toe into AI. They are discussing their own in-house ticketing option. This company is looking toward the future and hedging its bets.

Do I know with any certainty what's up their sleeve?

Absolutely not.

Do I trust any corporation very much?

Nope.

Do I have faith in BTS?

Probably more than anything else in my life, at this point.

So while I have no insider info, I just feel like the company is making very intentional and methodic footholds into the West. They are not complaining or screaming or suing or threatening anyone. They are not badmouthing competitors or whining about unfair deals. They are laying ground on complicated, political in-roads, one step at a time.

The Expo is in 2030. I'd wager by that time, BTS will have conquered the West and have some radio play.

And I think the company believes that in order to do that, they have to make their new groups profitable while BTS serves. They have to survive for the next two years.

When BTS is back, and their dues have been paid, I think they will be unstoppable. I hope they get to work on solo projects AND group projects. I think they will take over every corner of the world, if managed properly.

They just need to do it in a way that also assuages the Western music industry. The American Powers That Be have a chokehold on music and they will demand their pound of flesh somehow.

I strongly suspect BTS will never pay to play. But they will build relationships and find a way to become so interwoven in the cultural fabric that to deny them a place in Western spaces is to be left behind. And they will do it politely, and gently, and come out smelling like a rose.

So before you go off on social media and scream the walls down about neglect (and there WAS some, in my opinion) and abuse (we don't really know that), just take a moment to consider--if they had no legal recourse against Billboard, how can they beat them at their own game?

The best way to defeat an enemy is to make them a friend.

I'm just guessing here, but I think if fans stay loyal, BTS just might have the last laugh, here. I think they got radio scared as hell.

It sucks that Jimin didn't get fair treatment at this time. He is my bias and I feel it like a knife to my own heart. But he DID make history with his #1 and they can never take it away.

So I say give it time. All the people sniggering at him and BTS right now are going to sing a different tune in the future.

My best guess is that this is a long game, and it will require sacrifices that are totally unfair, but in the end... well, as long as BTS has ARMY, they cannot be denied.

Apobangpo.

[wyn-n-tonic]

Books by Black Authors for Black History Month!

I wanted to share a list of books I love and books that I'm looking forward to reading that are by Black authors in acknowledgement of Black History Month. I feel like a lot of my fellow readers (especially my fellow white readers) always go into a, kind of, reading slump in February and I don't know if that's because the month of January is just ten years long that February feels like a hangover or if it's because they feel the desire to read books by Black authors but then the majority of what is marketed is usually books that are steeped in trauma or nonfiction books. And, like, yeah, nonfiction books are so important but when they're the only kind of book marketed it can make finding the other kinds of books that much harder but I believe that if you read the fun books and the happy books and the fantasy books it will make you want to seek out the nonfiction resources. I'm blabbering so long story short, I thought I would make a little list to do some of the legwork for my fellow readers to find stories that they can check out.

I used GoodReads links (and one StoryGraph) link, you can choose who to purchase from yourself (although I will suggest BookShop.org as your purchase does go towards indie bookstores, I also really like the Libby App which is just your library and it works with your Kindle/Nook/Kobo/iPad). All authors that I have included in this are American or have strong ties to the USA which is why I did not include authors such as Bolu Babalola, Talia Hibbert, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie but I do highly recommend checking them out if you haven't because they do write gorgeously.

Kennedy Ryan has an extensive backlog and beautiful writing, beautiful prose. She had a book called Before I Let Go (Skyland #1) come out in November 2022, it is a second chance romance between a married couple. It has been on my shelf forever, the cover is beautiful and I've heard nothing but truthfully incredible things. I have listened to snippets of the audiobook but keep putting off getting the actual audiobook because Kennedy is the kind of author I want to read the grammar, syntax, wording of everything from. This book actually got optioned to be adapted into a television show and there's a second Skyland book coming out in March called This Could Be Us that has the ARC readers going wild.

Jasmine Guillory is one of my favorite authors. She is a Bay Area native and has a law degree from Stanford. Not only do I think that she writes beautifully but I cannot even describe to you the way that I kick my little feet and twirl my hair. I feel like my favorite of hers changes. Up until a few weeks ago, I would've told you that Olivia Monroe in Party of Two was my favorite Jasmine girly but I listened to Royal Holiday to kick off my reading for January and Vivian Forest is such a beautiful character. She's a 56 year old Black woman who is a veteran social worker who thinks it's too late for her on several fronts and then she gets swept off her feet while on a vacation with her daughter AND THE ROYAL FAMILY. What?! I also think that Jasmine writes, like.... character appropriate sex scenes if that makes sense. Like, Vivian's scenes are more reserved than Olivia's were, Vivian's more closed door than Olivia's were. She also has a Beauty and the Beast inspired book called By The Book and I kept texting my friend the entire way through and then made her buy a copy so she could text me right back with all her thoughts. Amazing. I love her.

You want cozy fantasy romance with monsters and happy Black women being loved by their hot monster lovers? Kimberly Lemming has GOT YOU COVERED.

Plugging my new author friend P.J. Leigh and her book Olawu. She actually responded to my request for some indie author recs on Threads and sent me a copy of Olawu that will be here on Friday and I'm so excited. She describes it as: "Set in precolonial East Africa with romance, action, sisterhood, found family, and a feisty but flawed female lead." I cannot wait to dig into this one.

Another author who messaged me is indie author Quiana Glide. Her bio is that she is an unabashed fangirl and her books feature pregnancy trope, cosplay, professional wrestlers and cafe owners solving murders. Her books sound fucking great and they are available on Kindle Unlimited for my KU girlies (gender neutral).

Celestine Martin messaged me as well and she writes paranormal romance with Black witches, emo mermen and fae princes. I tripped over myself running to my Libby app to place a hold on the audiobook.

25 to Love! by Joye Johnson is another one available on Kindle Unlimited for my KU girlies (gender neutral). The synopsis is: "TV's hottest dating show is '25 to Love!'. To nab a guy from her past, Lola signs on as the token girl of color. All's fair in love and ratings--can a week on TV get Lola closer to the one that got away?" You know what I love? Second chance romances, besties, that's right.

Splinter by Jasper Hyde was another I was recommended. Jasper writes paranormal, LGBTQ+ books. Jasper Hyde is a pen name for Georgina Kiersten who also goes by Rian Fox. The pen name denotes the subgenre that they write. Georgina does go by they/them pronouns and writes plus sized rep and neurodivergent rep too.

Kelly Cain. That's it. That's the tweet. THE EVERHEART BROTHERS SERIES????? If you know anything about me, you know that I have a hearing issue and so I've used audiobooks before but I never really clicked with them or got the hype. Turns out I had boring ass narrators (look I did the audio version of a lot of nonfiction books I had to read about old dead white guys in college so of course I had that feeling). THE EVERHEART BROTHERS AUDIOBOOKS ARE WHAT CHANGED ME. Deanna Anthony, the narrator, is so engaging and I didn't feel like I was listening to an audiobook, I felt like I was sitting across the table at brunch having a gossip session with my bestie. If you read it and you didn't like it, that's fine, but I didn't lie to you and enjoyment of art is subjective but also you're wrong and argue with a wall.

I've been seeing a lot of talk lately about Pride & Protest by Nikki Payne. This is a Pride & Prejudice and one of the reviews says, "If you ever wanted P&P to feel more like watching a swoony, steamy episode of Insecure, this is the book for you."

Currently, I am reading You Made a Fool of Death With Your Beauty by Akwaeke Emezi. It deals with themes of grief and romance and also bisexual representation. Absolutely beautiful prose. Akwaeke is Nigerian and has been in the USA since college. They are non-binary and go by they/them pronouns.

I also cannot end this list without mentioning Memphis by Tara M. Stringfellow. This follows three generations of a southern Black family in the neighborhood of Douglass in Memphis, TN (I was born a couple miles away in Raleigh) . Now, this book does have quite a few trigger warnings that I won't put here but I do encourage you to READ THE TRIGGER WARNINGS before you purchase this book as it does deal with some pretty heavy subject matter.

I'm also going to end this by saying to keep an eye out for anything done by my best friend, the person who I have shared so many amazing, beautiful, life changing experiences with ALL OVER THE WORLD for the last fourteen years: Isana Skeete (Isana does not use pronouns). If you look at the GoodReads account for Isana that I linked, you'll see lists made with recommendations of books with queer POC rep and asexuality representation.

[fickleminder]

Karasu’s Confession Corner

Seeing Karasu, one of Mammon’s crow familiars, at your windowsill isn’t an uncommon occurrence. He likes to stop by sometimes to hang out with you, but today he’s acting oddly for some reason…

Written for the OM Secret Santa 2022 event @omsecretsanta2022. Features Mammon x GN!MC.

Happy holidays @kydrogendragon! Your first idea reminded me of this fic so I hope you don’t mind that I wrote the second one instead. Please enjoy :)

Thank Diavolo It’s Friday.

It’s been another long week at RAD, filled with pop quizzes and reading assignments and helping out with student council duties, and all you want to do is take a page from Belphie’s book and sleep the entire weekend away. Satan is the one to walk you home today, and he must have noticed how tired you are because he doesn’t even bother trying to steer you towards a cat cafe on the way back.

Once the two of you return to the House of Lamentation, you thank him for his company and make a beeline for the safety of your room. Trudging inside, you barely muster the energy to change into more comfortable clothing before flopping onto your bed in an exhausted sprawl.

You almost miss the soft rustle coming from the direction of your clothes rack. Out of the corner of your eye, you notice something slipping out of your uniform pocket and fluttering to the ground. Tilting your head slightly to get a better look, you sigh at the tiny piece of paper staring back at you.

It’s a voucher for this boba tea cafe that Asmo had introduced you to several months ago. Levi had gotten it for free with one of his recent Akuzon purchases, and gifted it to you in exchange for helping him queue for some exclusive merch. The cafe had been growing in popularity with RAD students lately, and you were hoping to invite Mammon out after school today to redeem a one-for-one drink from their special menu.

Unfortunately, Mammon said he had “errands” to run (which you knew meant the witches were after his ass again) and quickly ran off after the last bell, leaving his younger brother to escort you home. Watching Mammon rush out of the school gates as though Cerberus was hot on his heels sent a pang of regret through you, for taking so long to gather the courage to ask him out, especially given that the voucher expired the next day.

You sigh again. Your guardian definitely had a nasty habit of always getting himself into trouble, that silly, lovable demon.

Lovable… Your cheeks warm at the thought. But not all hope is lost, and you can still salvage this situation yet. Maybe you could go with him after dinner? It’s the weekend tomorrow, so surely Lucifer wouldn’t mind letting the two of you stay out a little longer tonight. If Mammon even comes back by then, you think gloomily. If he’s dealing with the witches, he’s usually gone for a few days… 

Something raps at your window, the sharp sounds abruptly jolting you from your reverie. You sit up to see a large black crow perched on the sill, cawing loudly at you from the other side of the glass pane, begging to be let in. You recognize him right away; it’s not the first time one of Mammon’s familiars has stopped by to visit, and you’re actually glad for his presence right now. 

“Hey Karasu, it’s been a while!” Feeling a little more energized now, you give the bird a bright smile as you lift open the window. “What are you doing here? Sol told me your chicks hatched the other day, so shouldn’t you be with your mate taking care of them?”

Karasu cocks his head to the side, looking somewhat confused. But he seems insistent on coming in, and, well, who were you to deny the adorable little thing?

“Are you hungry? I still have some of your favorite peanuts left.” You pull open your desk drawer and rummage around for one of the leftover sachets. Karasu waits patiently as you tear it open and pour it out neatly at his feet. “Go on, eat up!”

He appears hesitant at first, but opens up obediently when you pick up a piece and nudge it at his beak. Soon enough, he’s happily vacuuming up the entire pile peck by peck.

“There’s nothing like human world peanuts, am I right?” You laugh at the sight of the crow greedily going at his snack like a woodpecker, and toss the empty package into the trash can. “I don’t have much left, but I’ll be sure to pick up more the next time I go back to visit. Don’t tell Beel, okay?”

You stroke Karasu’s feathers when he’s done eating and giggle as he puffs up in response to your gentle touch. Spending time with animals really never fails to improve your mood. No wonder Satan’s always seeking out cats to hang out with.

“Such a good bird,” you coo. “Your mate’s so lucky to have you.”

Again, at the mention of a mate, Karasu appears startled. He can’t seem to look you in the eye, and his gaze darts everywhere but at your face. It eventually lands on the shiny, laminated coupon on the floor, and he lets out a questioning caw.

“Oh, this? It’s just a voucher for a drink.” You walk over and pick it up with a small huff of disappointment. “I wanted to invite Mammon out to redeem it today, but he already had other plans.”

Karasu perks up at the mention of his master. You start to feel a little bad for talking about Mammon behind his back, to one of his trusted familiars no less, but you can’t help the words spilling out anymore. Just being able to tell someone about this is cathartic, even if you are venting to a crow.

“It’s a one-for-one voucher for drinks at Spoopy’s, and it was going to be my treat so he wouldn’t have to spend a Grimm. It makes me happy when he takes me out and buys me stuff, even if he denies it, so I wanted to return the favor. I want to make him feel as special as he makes me feel.

Sometimes I think Mammon’s brothers are a little too harsh on him. Everybody makes mistakes, and it’s not fair that he gets disciplined the most for succumbing to his greed. I can’t say I know what it’s like, but being an Avatar of Sin mustn’t be easy.”

Your heart aches as you give Karasu a sad look, because it’s true. Mammon’s always the butt of his brothers’ jokes, always taking the brunt of Lucifer’s harshest punishments. And yet, he never stops smiling, never stops looking out for his family because he loves them so much despite how badly they treat him sometimes. Plus, tsundere attitude aside, he’s only ever been kind to you after you had first been teleported to the Devildom. Knowing all of this, how could you not fall for him?

“If I can make him happy, even just for a little while, it’ll be worth it,” you whisper, seemingly to yourself. “That’s what you do for someone you love, isn’t it?”

Karasu gives a loud caw, snapping you out of your depressive thoughts. You think he must be pitying the lovelorn expression on your face, because he hops closer to nuzzle your jaw with his beak, just below the corner of your lips.

“Aww… Thanks for trying to cheer me up, Karasu. You’re so sweet!” You pet the crow on his head, smiling softly. He really is such a good bird. “I wouldn’t want your mate to come after me, so I’ll give you this instead.”

You put your middle and index fingers together on one hand and kiss the tips, and then you press them to Karasu’s beak. 

A sudden burst of light blinds you, sending you reeling backwards with a startled yelp. Something— someone— reaches out to steady you, their arms around your waist and shoulders, preventing you from toppling over and hitting your head. When the brightness finally fades, you blink the spots in your vision away only to see…

“Mammon?!” You splutter in shock. “What— How did—”

“I can’t believe one of my familiars has been cozying up to ya,” the white-haired demon grumbles, still holding you in a dip pose as though the two of you had been dancing together at one of Diavolo’s fancy balls. “Gonna have words with that bird, I swear—”

“Mammon! How are you here?” You push lightly at his chest, trying to stand up properly. Your face is burning from the sinking realization that you just confessed your feelings to a crow that had actually been the object of your affections all along holy shit—

“It ain’t my fault, it was those damn witches and their nasty curses! More importantly, don’t ya go giving your kisses to anyone else but me, ya hear?” Mammon demands, his face equally flushed. He helps you up gently, and a distant part of your brain notices that he doesn’t let go of your hand. “Forget dinner with my brothers; I’m taking ya out, and then we can go grab some boba tea later! How’s that sound, huh?”

With the sheer amount of hope and excitement swelling in your chest, you have to remind yourself to breathe. “That sounds perfect,” you manage, your cheeks starting to hurt from how wide you’re smiling.

Mammon pulls you into a tight hug, one you don’t hesitate to reciprocate. You know he’s trying to hide, too embarrassed to face you directly, but his next words tell you all you need to know.

“Love ya too, treasure,” he whispers in your ear, and your heart soars.

[blackwolfstabs]

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 17

THE CATCH

What if Tara had followed Frankie up the stairs?

Warning!!! contains rape/non-consensual elements & violence / mild gore.

‘ “No, dude, Anika, I’m not that bad. But I appreciate you looking out for me.” ’

Tara’s own words echoed in her mind as she looked around Frankie’s room. As a matter of fact, they burned, as if telling her to turn around right now before that door could shut on her. As if she had just made a move that was destined for her to regret. 

Turn around. Change your mind. Run.

Too late.

The sound of the door clicking shut became louder than her thoughts. She told Anika she was fine. She told Quinn she was going to be fine. She wanted Sam to know she could make her own decisions and be fine once they were made. She could do this. She was fine. Right?

She swung her arms awkwardly as she turned around, “So… why do you choose to keep alcohol in your room?” She pulled a smile that outwardly seemed natural, but inwardly was a tri-brid of anxious, awkward, and mockingly casual. “I mean, isn’t that what cabinets are for?” she half-joked.

The door locked. 

Her heart skipped a beat, and anxiety immediately started to fizz in her stomach, making a wave of nausea hit her from the amount of alcohol she had drunken already. She swallowed it back. 

Frankie looked up from the door. “Because it’s easier to get girls like you away from the crowds, when I hide it up here,” he answered, the thick intoxication that had threaded his voice downstairs not as convincing as it was then.

Carpenter went hot, then ice cold. Her heart went into a pound that was so hard, it made her chest hurt. And suddenly, her next breath was harder to get in than the previous one. She was frozen. It was right then that she knew she had willingly stepped into a trap. 

And she had been given so many signs. She had almost taken the very first one: when he had told her he had liquor up here. Something in her paused and stared, as if running a thousand messages through her head: 

Yes? No? Maybe? 

Should I stay? Should I go? 

The human mind was a complex thing. But a traumatized human mind was impossible to pull apart, which was what led her to bet on it.

“Fuck it. Yeah. Go.”

She had carelessly pushed her caution aside, thinking of it as her living in the past. Thinking of it as just her being that same scared, little girl she had been chained to ever since September 23, 2022. She didn’t want to be her anymore. She wanted to be the survivor, the go-getter, the normal Tara Carpenter she would have been, if only it wasn’t for…

Sam.

“Y-You said…” she started, not realizing she was stuttering, until she had to choke the words up her throat, “You said, um… that you had Fireball up here?” Her legs were starting to shake.

“Yep, sure do,” he replied, confidently, stalking towards her like a cat to a mouse. He grabbed his crotch, clutching it to draw her attention to its swelling nature, “I got two fireballs right here waiting for you, Michigan.”

This sobered her up fast. Her throat tightened, and her chest seemed to clutch so tight she was sure she would stop breathing. She shook her head, backing up as he continued to come towards her, “No…” her voice was quiet, nearly speechless. She knew what he was thinking, and that was what scared her to death. Fuck, she should’ve brought her taser. Why didn’t she bring her taser?

He watched her retrieve her inhaler from her back pocket. He had her right where he wanted her. He rushed forward and captured her small body in his hold, one arm secured around her back and the other supporting her hind end as he picked her up and had them torso-to-torso.

Tara yelped in alarm, dropping her inhaler before she could deliver its medication to her lungs. She heard him chuckle as his grip on her tightened, to which she resisted, pushing him away, while trying to untangle her legs from his torso. 

“Gotta give little, Miss Freshman a proper college initiation,” he purred, easily able to keep his hold around her squirming as he carried her towards the bed. “You said you might rush it, right?”

She barely even heard him around the blood roaring in her ears. “No! Frankie, put me down!” She bucked, but that only seemed to enthuse him more. The room became a blur as she was forcefully released, thrown away onto the mattress, which had her figure bouncing once before staying down. 

Frankie grinned as he crawled up on to her, already anticipating the colors he would force out of her within the next couple of minutes. It was fun to watch her tipsy-self try to gain control of the situation as she backed up, uncoordinated. He could hear her anxious breathing become hyper, which told him he needed to take the next steps: securing her. “You need to settle down, baby girl,” he growled and grabbed her ankle to yank her into a lying position.

But Tara continued to thrash, starting to wheeze on her breaths as he straddled her hips and pinned her wrists down with his hands. She shook her head. “No! Stop! What are you doing?!” she shouted at him, her face turning red in response to the tears coming into her eyes. “Get off me!”

This was all her fault.

Her attacker squeezed her hips with his knees and dug his nails into her skin, earning a cry as he leaned down to snarl in her ear, “Stop screaming, and I’ll be gentle.” 

The distance between his lips and her ear was so close, it took her voice away, leaving her whimpering while trying to regain control of her airways.

“Good girl, Michigan…” he then cooed.

She flinched as his moistened lips pressed against her cheek. “P-please… don’t,” she begged him, “Ple-hease…” She couldn’t hold back the sob that convulsed her chest.

Frankie didn’t listen, just shushed her and continued kissing down her face and onto her neck, sliding one of his knees in between her clenched thighs to rub it against her clothed privates. There, he began to moan with each peck.

His victim swallowed with a whine, trying to squeeze her legs against his to keep him from doing any more. “S-stop it,” she hissed, failing to pull her upper half away, while trying to block his kisses with her shoulder. But this only made him use his teeth as he sucked her collar bone. She cringed harder and jerked. “Stop!”

He pressed his knee into her shorts—where her vulva was hiding—and captured both of her wrists above her head with one hand to move the other down her body. “Mmm…”

Tara gasped with a wince. She started to writhe again, shifting her hips uncomfortably when his fingers played with her beltline. They slipped beneath to duck below her underwear’s hem. Panic shot through her faster than she could process his next steps. “Frankie, no! Get off of me! Let me go-ho!” He was down to her sternum. His hand undid her shorts and tugged them down at the same time she felt his tongue glide beneath her top to lick her cleavage, catching her left breast. She nearly lost it. His hand moved to grab her groin, which was now only protected by her panties, and he squeezed gently, forcing out a squeal from her. 

Her vision went black. She stopped breathing. Her throat was so tight, she could barely even make the noise she had. She was shaking violently. Everything that had brought her to this night—this reckless, rebellious night—seemed to flash behind her eyes. A million things. Mom. Dad. Sam. Mindy. Chad. Wes. Amber. Liv. Sam. Amber. Phone call. Ghostface. Amber. Pain. Sam. Hospital. Fear. Death. Sam. Blood. Amber. Escape. Pain. Sam. Moving. Quinn. School. Anika. College. Sam. Forgive. Forget. Chained. Free. Sam.

Sam. Everything went back to Sam.

She should’ve listened. Why didn’t she listen?

Sam. Where was she? Surely, she’d follow her, right? She was here? She had to be here.

Sam. 

Frankie pulled the thick black strap clinging to her shoulder down to begin undressing her, which made her snap to her senses. Well… what she could sense was real. What felt real.

She ditched that crappy promise he made from earlier. No one ever got anywhere being quiet. “No! No!” She tried to kick, buck, and twist to keep him from going any further. “Let me go! Get off of me! Help!” Around her hyperventilating, she managed to scream. Just like the very first night… “He-heeelp! Plea-hease!”

“Shut up!” Frankie barked. He pulled his hand away from her pelvis and gave her a hard smack across the face. 

She sobbed, her tears feeling hotter than the sting as they rolled down her cheeks. “Ge-he-het oh-hoff!” There was a ringing in her ear from the slap, but around it, she thought she heard thumping, like someone was banging on the door. Had she gotten someone’s attention?

“Fuck!” Her assaulter let his dividing knee fall hard onto her private area, which made her cry out, but he shoved his hand over her mouth. “Look at what you’ve done!” 

More thumping. And voices. Familiar voices.

“Tara!”

“Tara!”

“Get away from her, you motherfucker!”

“Tara!”

Sam. There were different voices behind that door, but the last one was Sam’s. It was her sister’s. She knew that for a fact. And that made a faint ray of hope break open in Tara’s chest.

She yanked her face away from his makeshift-gag and shouted at the top of her lungs. “Saaam! I’m here, Sam! Help me! Please, he’s ra-hay-haping me! Sa-ha-haaam!”

Above her, Frankie ripped off the do-rag she wore for her pirate costume and shoved it into her mouth, “Shut the fuck up!” His eyes were wild as they met her glossy ones. 

“Mmm! Mm-hmphh! Mmm-mm-hmph!”

“Shut! Up!”

Then what sounded like an explosion came from Carpenter’s left, and the shadow that loomed above her with its weight holding her down was gone. 

—

Sam cursed herself for not being there to tell Tara ‘no.’ She cursed Quinn for letting her go, when she knew she had already been told. However, Tara was old enough to know better. She didn’t care if her little sister was feeling caged in from her overprotection, because it was situations like these that made Sam make decisions for Tara. Decisions not to go somewhere she may not be able to return from. 

Now, here she was at the top of the stairs with the news that Tara had drunk a little too much and had been dragged up into a stranger’s room. The door was locked. She was still underage. And from behind that damn door, Sam had to listen to her sister scream and beg from beneath a sorry excuse for a human being.

Chad flanked her and beat violently on the door, cussing the guy—whom Anika had shared was Frankie—out, while Mindy and Anika shouted from behind. They called out to Tara, unable to do anything but let the youngest member of their pack know that they were trying to get to her.

But Samantha couldn’t even be mad at Tara, or Quinn, or the twins for letting Tara do as she pleased. All she could think about was tearing Frankie apart. With a weapon, without one, it didn’t matter. That urge—the thrill—she had confessed only a short while ago in her therapy session engulfed her, drowning her into dark waters that were controlled by her demons.

She wanted him dead. She wanted to see every disgusting, conniving thought behind his unimaginable eyes vanish to leave them dull and without any more chances. And she would do it, if it was the last thing she did as Samantha Carpenter.

“Tara!” She yelled after throwing her body against the door for the 3rd time.

And what she heard next shattered everything that made her sane into a million pieces that could not reverse time.

“Saaam! I’m here, Sam! Help me! Please, he’s ra-hay-haping me! Sa-ha-haaam!”

Nothing could take back what she just heard. Out of the 7 billion people in the world, she would always be able to pick out Tara’s voice saying her name, no matter who was around. But hearing it this distressed, this helpless, this desperate…

“Mmm! Mm-hmphh! Mmm-mm-hmph!”

Her master was calling. And she would answer.

“Shut! Up!”

Her eyes darkened, eliminating the differentiation between her irises and pupils. A murderous growl rumbled in her throat, giving her voice a depth that had never been reached before. Her black, painted nails dig into the paint on the door to leave shredded wood shavings in their wake. 

No one pulled that shit on her baby sister and lived.

She pushed Chad back with her arm and kicked the door in, the force leaving it tearing away from its hinges. As if she had seen their positions from behind the door, she knew exactly where to attack. And she did. Her gaze was only set on Frankie, unable to look at Tara being held down and gagged with tears streaming down her face and clothing disheveled from his attempt to undress her.

Samantha was far from sanity as she ripped him off of her with a snarl that was far more animal than human. She felt something in her bicep pull from the awkward transitioning from the mattress to the floor, but she couldn’t feel anything more than a strain in the muscle. 

No pain. No mercy. Just rage.

She completely blocked out everything else around her, only hearing Tara screaming for her over and over and over and over and over again. 

The surroundings she was missing consisted of Chad immediately going over to Tara, who was still in shock as she stayed trembling on the bed with her do-rag pushed into her mouth and eyes draining all of the emotions it couldn’t take. Mindy followed in close behind, tailed by Anika.

As angry as Chad was to see Tara in that state, he knew she didn’t need him losing it like Sam had. She needed compassion and comfort. He pulled the gag from her mouth to hear her break out in hyper pants, gasping for breaths that were a mixture of wheezes and sobs. “It’s okay, Tara,” he spoke calmly to her, finding her wide, horrified eyes meet his own. “It’s alright, we’ve got you. Breathe.” 

Tara watched him nod, which made her mimic him, but it was a thoughtless action. She couldn’t comprehend any emotion right now, she just knew her entire system had been stunned. Frankie’s agonized cries had her slowly looking away from Chad to where they came from.

Her older sister was on top of him—almost the same way he had been on her—punching him over and over and over. Each time she brought her hand back, there was more blood that coated her skin. Every strike came with a grunt that was half-angered and half-pained, drowned out mostly by her victim’s yelping.

“You fucking bitch!” Frankie choked out.

And then Sam yelled back, “Don’t you ever lay your fucking hands on my sister!” She hit him again and again. 

Tara stared at them, beginning to full-on hyperventilate. She tried to sit up more than Chad had already helped her, but it didn’t clear her airways enough, which made her regain control of her hands and bring them up to her throat, as if trying to pull the invisible object constricting her away. 

“Chad, we need to get her out of here,” Mindy told her brother, still watching the pool of blood that grew the longer Sam beat the ever-loving shit out of Frankie.

Then, Anika spoke up. “Wait, where’s her inhaler?” After a quick glance around the room, she spotted it lying on the floor, leaving her guessing it was either dropped or thrown away from its owners reach.

While Chad gathered the younger Carpenter in his arms, Mindy beat her girlfriend by jumping across the bed to retrieve the inhaler. In one fluid motion, she picked it up and tossed it to her. “Go ahead, I’ll get Sam,” she ordered.

Anika nodded and turned to follow the other two out.

“You’re alright, Tara. You’re safe. I got you,” Chad spoke softly to the quivering girl clinging to his neck.

On the floor or the bedroom, Sam was far from done with the piece of shit that decided to push his luck on the wrong day. By now, she had broken his nose, fractured his jaw, and knocked out a good handful of teeth from punching him repeatedly. Her knuckles were purple, but her adrenaline eliminated any recognition of it. She clawed his neck, gripping the gold chain around his neck, just to pin his head down by his hair with her other hand. She yanked his hair to tilt his head back, before ripping the necklace in two and throwing it down. Franie coughed and struggled, shoving his hand against her chest to push her off, but that only made her even more mad. Like a rabid dog, she dropped her head and sank her teeth into his wrist, until she felt blood bathe her canines. Then, she yanked away, tearing the skin from his bones and spitting it out. He screamed, but it wasn’t loud enough for her.

Mindy watched her from where she had picked up Tara’s inhaler. She couldn’t move, because she no longer knew who she was trying to lure away. This wasn’t Sam. Not the one she’d known most of her life. This woman was rabid, feral, mindless, impulsive, violent, sadistic, and seemed to hold a bloodlust only one other person could have mastered. 

Billy Loomis. 

Her father.

The way she tilted her head. The way her eyes seemed to lack any sense of heart. The way she licked the blood from her teeth, like it was a sugary syrup. She may have spent her years running from the name Samantha Loomis, but as of this moment, she was the spitting image of her bloodline.

She was starting to kill Frankie.

“Sam!” Mindy yelled. She gave no sign that she’d heard her. “Sam, stop! That’s enough!”

But the appointed being didn’t hear anything at all other than her victim’s voice. She just felt. She was a machine, mindless and running on gasoline that had been too close to an open flame. 

“Bitch!” he cursed at her.

She clutched his throat. “I’ll rip your fucking throat out!” she snarled, sinking her black claws into his flesh. She felt hands come upon her shoulders to try and pull her off, but she jerked away, enticing her to grip his neck tighter. “I’ll send you back to the Hell you came from!”

“Sam! Stop, you’re killing him! Samantha!” Mindy continued to shout at her, but she knew better than to get too close to someone who was that far gone. She might take Frankie’s place, if she did anything too threatening for Sam’s liking. However, she was relieved when she heard footsteps running up the stairs and looked up to find her brother coming in.

“Tara’s okay, Anika’s with her,” he informed, before she could ask.

But she wasn’t concerned about that at the moment. “Can you get her off him? She’s gonna kill him!”

Without any hesitation, her sibling rushed forward and grabbed Sam around the waist. 

And she didn’t like that at all. Her nails left deep red tracks along Frankie’s throat as she was pulled away from his body. She thrashed, still trying to get to him, for whoever was forcing her away was much stronger than she was.

“Easy, Sam!” Chad tried to calm her as he tightened his arms around her, “That’s enough, Tara’s okay!”

“No!” she screamed, blinded by what could’ve been. What would’ve been, had she not been there. “You unimaginable bastard!” she barked at the nearly unconscious man lying on the floor, “You ever come near her again, I’ll kill you where you stand!”

“Samantha Carpenter!” Mindy yelled at the top of her lungs as she jumped in front of the older, blocking her view of Frankie and grabbing her face to have her look at her in the eyes.

This made Sam stop. She was still panting, still shaking with rage, but she stopped. There was only one other person who would shout her full name with so much conviction, it was only second nature to listen. 

Her mother.

Now that she had stopped fighting, Mindy went on. “Stop it, this isn’t you,” she told her in a quieter tone. “Take a deep breath.”

The other’s brow twitched, unsure whether or not it was safe to let her guard down. He came for Tara. He wanted Tara. But no one would ever hurt Tara. Ever. She huffed as she took a breath, her larynx still emitting animalistic growls that could’ve fooled anyone into thinking she was some sort of werewolf about to spill the secret.

“Tara’s okay. You need to calm down.” If Mindy didn’t know better, she could’ve sworn she was looking into the eyes of Billy Loomis. Her eyes were so dark and empty of any empathy there was to give when the thirst for blood was running free.

“Settle down, Sam,” Chad joined in, feeling her stomach convulse beneath his forearm as she fought the urge to lunge again. “Tara’s fine, she’s with Anika. But she needs you to be fine, too.”

And all of the sudden, Carpenter snapped out of it. The instinct to hunt and kill vanished as quickly as it had come on. For a moment, she wasn’t sure who she was or where she was. She blinked, and the black in her eyes returned to their dark chocolate essence. The hands on her face now felt warm, and the hold on her waist was protective, as if keeping her from entering dangerous territory instead of keeping her away from something in dire need of attention.

Mindy could physically see the change when it happened. She knew she was talking to her friend again. “We’ve gotta get out of here, okay? Tara’s waiting for you.”

Tara was waiting. Tara was waiting for her. 

Tara was waiting…

Sam relaxed in Chad’s hold, allowing him to let her go. “Where is she?” Her voice was hoarse and strained, which caught her off guard. Why did she sound like that? She hadn’t been yelling. Had she? 

“Outside,” Chad answered.

Her eyes found Frankie, then found her bloodied hands that matched his face. She swallowed. The foul, metallic taste of fresh blood on her tongue made her mouth water in a defensive way. 

Had she done that to him?

And then, everything hit her. Why she was there and what she’d heard.

‘ “Saaam! I’m here, Sam! Help me! Please, he’s ra-hay-haping me! Sa-ha-haaam!” ’

She immediately looked at Mindy, her gaze hard but also alarmed at what had happened before she lost control.

Mindy read her mind. And she nodded. 

“She’s safe, Sam. Thanks to you.”

might have made Sam take things a little too far???? (i just really got into it. like the idea that Frankie was likely going to rape Tara infuriates me.)

p.s. special thanks to "Eyes Of The Devil" by Seether, "Whispers In The Dark" by Skillet (cover by Caleb Hyles and Johnathan Young), "I Know I'm A Wolf" by Young Heretics (cover by Courbe), "Dance With The Devil" by Breaking Benjamin (acoustic cover by Kevin Staudt), & "Attack" by 30 Seconds To Mars

All my best! ♡ - parker