#hench union

[whatswrongwithsweaters]

Do you have any idea what I would have to do to keep a good standing with the hench union?! When you're the foil for planetary heroes you have have to have 3 deep scheduling, and black hole incident coverage for all of them. I'd have to cut staff. No no no, this operation is strictly focused on the Purple Pincer. We deal with ocean and pollution schemes. And as a bonus we have an abundance of crab and lobster from her adventures.

Now if you'll excuse me, I believe Pincer is about to sneak aboard our secret invisible fishing boat. So I simply must get the fog machine ready.

“Yes, but just because I can crack reality open like an egg and reign as a galactic conquerer doesn’t mean that I want to. I want to be the silly nemesis of a street level hero”

[ravings-of-a-mad-scientist]

I want to put you in a jar and shake you around violently in the most /pos way possible

w-wait, Anon, what are you doing with that shrink ray-inator and jar png?

[unionofhenchmen]

"Right, yeah... wait we're live?! Broadcasting?!! -

This just in from Chuggs MacKenzie, U.N. Hotzone Reporter, coming at ya' from the Hot-Zone! The situation here from Cape Town to Gansbaai has worsened due to an unseasonable storm"

"We can only hope that the local Heroes will rally in ti-AYEAAAGGJESUSFUU<wet crunching>"

-[Local News Network] audio released by [REDACTED] with footnote:

P.S. Better get to work (upside-down smiley face)

[skecherss]

sometimes I genuinely forget that the personal canon my friends and I made up for comics in 2017 doesn't extend beyond. like. the three people i made it up with. What do you mean nobody knows about the Henchpersons' Union

[holyfuckitsgoontime]

Who was your least favourite boss

Ultra humanity 100%

Even more condescending than the riddler, no workplace safety minus like a hard hat. i was handling dangerous chemicals with no PPE at like 19 and if you asked about it he'd just give you some bullshit response about how we should've done our research and brought our own.

short job but once was enough ://

Also he got my name wrong FOUR TIMES

not only are you the smartest person on earth supposedly ITS 4 LETTERS

[fabiansociety]

this is why we have hench unions

me: if I become the evil overlord I will never harm my minions

[5 years later]

highly throwable imp: hoohoohee

me: hmm

[mi6-cafe]

6.17.2024: The Big Snooze

On June 17th, 2024, something odd began to happen.

The newest SPECTRE hench, who had been fetching coffee, returned to find the entire organization asleep, many clutching guns and knives like teddy bears. 

(Carefully disarming people was the hench’s official first task after the coffee. The second was setting up an automatic feeder for the sharks with laser beams attached to their heads.)   

Attempts to make contact with other crime organizations (the Unione Corse, SMERSH, SHAPE, DARE) proved largely fruitless. Even hitter.com, the villainous social network, had dwindled to about three active hitter threats about the situation. 

Meanwhile, the latest Q Branch intern, who had been fetching more C4, almost dropped their plastique when they returned to find the entire branch kipping on desks and work cots. They ran to find help and soon discovered the entire MI6 population, including administrative staff, off-duty workers, and even 00 agents, all in the same position: asleep. Safe, but asleep. 

Asleep at work, asleep in their beds, and in some cases asleep in someone else’s bed. 

Attempts to make contact across the pond revealed that the only person available to answer the big red emergency phone was a harried janitorial worker. Casebook.com, the intelligence agent networking site, showed timelines that had gone silent.        

(Other parts of the government ran as usual, and in fact the number of, e.g., overturned tomato carts due to marketplace chases immediately declined.) 

Across the globe, the story was the same: intelligence agents, villains, and support staff had begun to feel sleepy…then decided to take a nap…then could not be roused. No major or minor player on the active duty rosters was excluded. 

Retired medical staff who hadn’t yet left Britain for the warmer climes of their choice came in and confirmed that everyone’s vital signs were normal aside from being unable to wake. 

In the aftermath, a ragtag group of people came together at two stations across the globe, Station Atlantic and Station Pacific. Their mission: to try to 1) prevent global catastrophes, and 2) solve the mystery of the sleeping spies.

There is a brief lull as everyone adjusts to the new state of affairs, but remaining experts (octogenarian Nelly, who has sixty years of experience and can feel these things in her bones) suggest that the two stations will face their first challenge starting on July 1st. 

How successful will these stations be? 

Let’s find out during 007 Fest 2024!  

[jukashi]

Hey, Mr... 'the Despicable', right, gotta talk to you. Ward checking's mostly been going ok, there's a few holes we expected - you know, power of love, power of friendship, dreams, that stuff. That's fine, you're a dark sorcerer, not your department, that's why you call us, but. We've been over every one of your circles by now and... yeah you're uh, you're not covering your wraths at all. Yeah. Yeah, any idiot could walk in here and just unleash their superpowered dark side. Like, my man - sorry, my half-man - I know you gotta keep access to rousing the powers of evil from fitful slumber yourself, but that's why you install a ward with a key, not just not install one at all. How long have you been in this business? Right, ok. Look, I'll give you the third name of this fiend of mine, it'll show you the right runes, won't ask more than a couple of goats for the service. We'll take care of the rest and no-one needs to hear about it. Now, we noticed you had some statues in poses of despair and terror in the twisted gardens, those wouldn't happen to be folks you've been turning to stone? No, it's a good method, good way to deal with minions, too, since you can reverse it if you realize you were just upset about something else or you need some emergency hands... you get credited for your rating with the hench union for that, actually, little tip for your there. No, I'm only asking 'cause - they're not going to turn back to normal if someone just weeps tears of grief on them, are they? Tch. I think I'm going to need to have a look at your grimoire, boss. Who did you sell your soul to for this? No, that's - you didn't actually sell your own personal soul, did you? Dude... No, you can get that fixed, just... it'll cost, that's all. Probably not gonna be in great condition by now. Still... yeah, I can recommend you someone about that, too. Just do us a favor and leave a good review.

[castillon02]

007 Fest Weekly Update

STARFISH is located in Indonesia, a country with a beautiful cuisine that includes spicy sambal paste, smoky nasi goreng rice, and salty-sweet gado gado salad. Prior to the Big Snooze, Jet Twimbly had, in their role of cafeteria chef, planned menu days inspired by various cities; they had been excited to reproduce some of the characteristic flavors of Jakarta for the agents who had worked there.

However, Jet suspects that the ex-patriot leader of STARFISH is there in Indonesia less because they appreciate the food and more because of the low cost of living. They reach out to their contacts in the area and try to find out if there's been an increase in expat-type grocery orders, and if so, to which area. If STARFISH personnel are American, for example, it's possible that an unusually large delivery of Cheerios cereal could point the way to their headquarters. Closer to home, Jet works with various organizations to include nutritional requirements in the Henching Union, Villains Union, and Agents Union contracts.

"Agents who are captured deserve an appropriately thematic last meal; for example, in a scientific lair, villains might provide a quasi-futuristic version of fine dining."

"Henches often perform vigorous physical labor and they need regular and nutritious meals; duty-specific anatomical features such as metal teeth should be accommodated."

"Captured villains require enough sustenance, particularly liquid refreshments, that they can monologue and/or verbally stall for time in order to give their plans the opportunity to come to fruition."

Jet hopes their negotiations will help foster a tentative peace between the various organizations who were too inconsequential to get Snoozed and now find themselves with room to throw their weight around. If they can't agree on anything else, surely they can agree on the importance of food!

[anonymouspuzzler]

(To Davy and Buck) Hey y'all ever think of hiring any henchmen? Obviously there's a cost issue there, but getaway securing, junk sorting, babysitting... you can get a lot of use out of a good union hench.

it is SO hard out there for a henchperson these days

(image ID/transcript under cut!)

[Image 1 ID: Panel one of a comic featuring Puzz's OCs. Buck (a middle-aged white man with a barrel-chested build, balding with a bushy mustache, wearing a turtleneck and slacks) is gesturing with one hand with the other on his hip, saying grouchily, "You think I got hench money? Hell, you think I got hench space?? This is a one-bedroom hideout and I've already got this kid takin' up my whole couch!!" In the background, Minnie (a 13-year-old white girl with a stocky build and large braided pigtails, wearing a school uniform-type blouse and pleated skirt, plus fingerless gloves and a sweater tied around her neck) is sitting on the couch holding a video game controller with one hand, glaring and flipping Buck off. End ID.]

[Image 2 ID: Panel two of a comic featuring Puzz's OCs. Davey (a middle-aged black man with a lanky build, amputated right arm, diagonal scar across his face, thin mustache, large ears, thick eyebrows and curly hair in a ponytail, wearing a baggy tank top and loose shorts) is standing to Buck's right, grimacing and gesturing with his left hand. He says, "I never really enjoyed working with henchmen, to be honest. Granted, I don't think the ones I worked with were union, which was probably at least part of the problem..." Buck, turning to look at Davey with confusion, says, "Wait. You had henchmen?" Davey responds, "I worked with henchmen." End ID.]

[Image 3 ID: Panel 3 of a comic featuring Puzz's OCs. Buck and Davey are standing in the background, with Minnie on the couch in the foreground. Buck, gesturing with both hands and looking confused and frustrated, says, "When did you-", only for Davey to interrupt by turning to Minnie with a grin and calling, "You get Street Fighter working yet, Min?" Buck shouts, "DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT", while Minnie, gesticulating angrily in front of her, also shouts, "THEY TRAPPED ME ON THE STUPID EULA!!". End ID.]

[bananaactivity]

i saw the "ask me abt my descendants au" ask button and so i simply HAD to ask about your au--carlos is my fave, with harry being my second favorite (while morgie is my favorite from RoR), so i guess, if anything, i wanna ask abt carlos. whats he like in your au? what exactly happens--and do his cousins exist? love the way you draw him op!!

and abt your morgie and james verse--i'm curious, do harriet and cj exist ? does harry remember morgie at all? does hook ever even talk about him?

sorry if this was a lot!

Naw it’s all good, I’ve been waiting on an ask for forever 🙃 I will say I only consumed the movies back in elementary school (WILD IM SAYING ELEMENTARY SCHOOL AND NOW IM 18 LIKE TIME GOES BY SO FAST) The only books I read was Mals spell book. Not to say I don’t like reading, I read Ever After high books and The School for Good and Evil, I could just never get my hands on the Descendents ones. And I watched one episode of wicked world… and said fuc no never again.

All that to say I just found out three weeks ago that Harry had siblings, and that Carlos had any hench men or other stuff not specifically in the main movies. I had already figured out a lot of James and Harry’s story and suddenly the timeline was fucked because there was no way for Harriet or Cj or Jane Darling to exist in context. Harry is born as an accident in Neverland and Hook has to return home so he can grow and his mother is a random someone who wasn’t going to come back to take care of her son. Her existence is already shaky but then adding Harriet she’d have to be born first with Jane Darling who I didn’t account for in the slightest either. She’s Wendy’s daughter so now a lot more time will have to pass so she can grow up and come to neverland, which is gross and not in a campy Disney way… and I was having a hard time wrapping my head around it 🥲

That was until I gave Hook a younger brother who can get with Jane at an appropriate age 😈 He’s unarmed rn but he’s a Hook so Harriet and Cj will be Harry’s cousins who he’s estranged from until some events happen…

Harry does NOT remember Morgie especially not with him looking so scary and tryna kill his Stylist and sparing partner. ( Carlos and Jay) Hook only talks about him to Maleficent and Uliana ( Hades still thinks he’s a spoiled rich boy, and Hook still thinks it was dumb for a “god” to attend a four year University with mortals, also At this time Maleficent and Hades are in that bad argue stage right before a divorce) He was okay leaving them all because time is different in Neverland, even tho from his side he’s been gone 12 years, Morgie only missed him for one year and time melds together on Neverland since you don’t age so it was basically nothing. ( that’s why Peter Pan is so unhinged, he’s been there forever and he refuses to keep track) Morgies in the same time zone as them so he’s been gone a good ten years, Harry and his friends are 14-12 now,So everyone is feeling the effects, and Camelot is on lockdown due to Morgie terrorizing them so Hook can’t check up on him. ( I dunno if I mentioned on tumblr but in my au Auradon is the place that’s locked up so the poor and Villians can’t come in on their “superior” society, the rest of the world is made up of lands from other Fairy tales and Folklore) So Hook is worried but he keeps on and Harry’s memory of Morgie comes back after a month of getting used to him being back.

Sad part but I have to share, Morgie and Hook never officially unionize… Morgie knows he’ll outlive Hook by a VERY long time (till the end of time) and he can’t bring himself to finalize anything, his grief about Hooks mortality is slowly consuming him🫠 (also Hook has issues with living forever due to his trauma from Neverland and won’t entertain any sort of immortality shenanigans)

On another note Carlos is also my favorite! I’ve had him down in my notes (before I could brave the internet) as soon as the inspiration from the 1996 101 Dalmatians live action film staring Glenn Close hit me I knew what had to be done. ( and descendents of the sparrow inspired me 😙) Carlos is a very smart man, he’s the analyst, ranged weapons specialist, stylist and bestest member of my Core four. (Jay is a wreck, Mal is a wreck, and Evie is still slay but she has to get wrapped up in Mals mess because she loves her 🙄 damn you Evies demi-god/dragon gf ) but I’d say my Carlos is a little more disciplined then the Og. He hates gross things and hates getting dirty or messy. Hes dorm mates with Chad now because the fairy god mother doesn’t want the four to conspire together so easily ( like they do in the movies 😅) He threatens Chads and his forest friends a lot because Carlos also hates any animal that he isn’t wearing. He grows out of that eventually, but it takes the longest out of all of his flaws because… like did you see him in that tiger skin outfit!?? How could he give up furs?!?

Carlos story intertwines with Harry’s a lot, in a brotherly love way. I was having Carlos love his mom in my first posts about Carlos but since then I’ve changed it. Cruella Hates Hook and Carlos hates his mom for being abusive, so he makes Harry swear that Carlos can style him when he’s older to get back at his mom. It becomes more than that and now Carlos gets even more clients, enough to move out on his own but he ends up staying with Mal and Co. This separates him a little from Harry, Uma, and Gil who he grew close with because Harry’s home was his safe place from his mother. She not only hated Hook but also the sea and its smells and the hustle of the costal territory present on that side of the isle. He still sees them when he goes for meetings with Harry, to Mals agitation. Mal Hates Uma and is kinda scared of Harry. ( Maleficent, Uliana and Hook think they accidentally bestied to close to the sun and made their kids and niece hate each other on accident)

Jay is jealous of Carlos due to his obsession with beating Harry and stuff. I’m not a hundred percent sure if I wanna go Huma or Jarry for this one… leaning towards Huma as Jerry is really toxic and I already have a bunch of other toxic couples I don’t want a million of them fr. For Carlos I’m thinking Aro/Ace like bro just wants to chill and design cool shit. I could see people having him be with Chad based on the context of my au, close proximity/enemie’s to lovers/hhimbo and smart guy, but I’m just not feeling it and Jaylos felt forced during the movies so I don’t want that 🫠

I have more but this is basically a fic chapter all on its own, if you have anymore askes I’ll gladly answer them!! I don’t mind spoiling my story like this, I find my fic interests in the specific conversations characters have and details. So this isn’t something I’m against doing…

Edit: I’m also having trouble on what I want the themes of these fics to be. I want a little bit more then “cool alternative universe!!!” I’m love this au but I’m also using this story to help warm me up for developing a story with my own characters that I’ve had swimming in my mind for years 😭

[scarletwix]

here is lil a jasico idea i thought was funny thats been bouncin round my skull, it is yours if u are so inclined

a superhero au wherein jason is besties with nico and has a crush on him... and jason has lightning powers and a vigilante superhero persona. nico is a fanboy about jason's hero alter ego, and somehow jasons support as a hero (fellow heroes, the people in his earpiece back at his hq) fall so that literally everyone else in their friend group know that the alter ego is jason, realise that jason has a crush on nico, and encourage nicos fanboying to tease jason

jason tries to approach nico as his hero self in one of those typical 'the person i like is in danger, i will save them and also chat em up a bit', but plot twist, between nerves about his crush, panic from nico just being in danger and trying not to reveal anything, he just absolutely fumbles the interaction to the point where nico loses all interest in the hero. jason thinks if he cant even manage anything when nico literally totally admires him he basically has no chance. meanwhile, something jason said during his awkward flop moment caused nico for whatever reason to be like 'hmm mayhaps my feelings for my bestie go a little deeper than i thought? i shall have to investigate further'

sorry if thats like, too much, like i said its been BOUNCIN around in there for a whike

ANON PLS COME BACK now this is bouncin in MY head. I haven't stopped thinking about it since you sent it in. It only took so long because there were so many ways to take it. I want to write more for this au, this is so fun. Anyway... hero infrastructure abounds here because I have been thinking abt HENCH again.

Never meet your heroes, Nico reminded himself, staring at the paused video on his computer screen. In the still image, Tonitro looked as put-together and gorgeous as always. His wheat-blond hair was rakishly askew.

Probably in a breeze of his own making, Nico thought sourly. He clicked away from the photo, having gotten everything he needed for his report. Jason would be here any minute, and Nico wanted to clear his mind of the encounter with Tonitro before he got there.

Nico hated to admit it, but he'd really let himself down. He had built up an image in his mind based on Tonitro's public persona, and he had fallen for it, hook, line and sinker. It was the same thing that he was always warning his fellow students against doing with vigilantes, and here he was, having done the same thing with Tonitro. And why? Just because he was a fully licensed hero? Nico shook his head. The licensing procedure needed an overhaul anyway, how he could have forgotten that in the midst of his hero worship was beyond him.

He saved his paper and shut the lid of his laptop with an irritated flick of his fingers. Beside it, his phone buzzed with an incoming message.

Jason: going to be a few minutes late, sorry. Villain traffic on 101.

Nico blinked, surprised. He swiped for his notifications, in case he'd missed something while he'd been thinking about (read: stewing over) Tonitro.

He hadn't. Which meant that Jason was there before even the media managed to be. Nico tapped out a quick message, crossing his fingers that Jason would see it before he had to duck for cover.

Nico: see if you can get me any usable pictures before the hounds get there

He didn't try and remind Jason to be safe. It wasn't his place. Jason knew better than any of them the dangers that heroes could pose, having had his last job be completely decimated by one of Waterspout's fights.

He'd been honestly surprised when Jason hadn't gone to the Heroes Union for help with his unemployment assistance after that disaster, but he'd claimed that the agency he'd been contracted through hadn't had the insurance to cover it. That had been both irresponsible and downright stupid enough for Nico to get distracted and go on a rant about liability. He frowned. Now that he thought about it, he didn't think that they'd actually finished that conversation. His phone buzzed.

[Jason] aww want the best pics of your bf??

Nico grimaced. That meant Tonitro was there. He hadn't gotten around to telling Jason the truth about Tonitro's sparkling personality.

He yanked his laptop back toward him and opened up a new tab to one of the more reputable news sites. It took three refreshes of the page until—there, in big red letters, the words LIVE FEED hovered above a video embedded at the top of the page.

"We are live from interstate 101, where known villain Pontifex–" Nico grimaced. Pontifex was a piece of work, but he let the words fade into the background as he leaned in toward his monitor. There didn't appear to be any damage to the bridge itself, and the chopper was too far from the fight itself to make much out. He could, however, see the rescue crew leading the evacuation efforts. Charmant stood on the cab of a semi truck, presumably where Tonitro had dropped her, her bright outfit a shining beacon for anyone who needed to find their way to her and her ever so charming voice.

As Nico watched, his elevated heart rate calming just a bit at the sight of the evacuation going well, the feed went fuzzy.

A flare of lightning and the deafening roar that followed it crashed to earth, taking Pontifex with it.

The camera turned from Charmant, and the grainy image of Tonitro hovering in the air, still crackling with electricity, focused into sharp clarity as the cameraman recovered.

Despite himself, even Nico had to admit that as the sole point of light in the thunderous sky, Tonitro looked impressive.

He had nearly relaxed, hopeful that the hero would have Pontifex well in hand soon, when the first wave hit the bridge, and the cameraman zoomed in on a blur of blue and orange.

Nico's stomach dropped, and his heart rate picked back up. Cold terror wrapped around him like shadows. He was moving before he even finished processing what he saw.

On paper, Tonitro and Waterspout were the city's most effective team. They had the highest villain capture rate of all other registered hero teams combined.

On paper, they also had the highest dispersion rate for infrastructural damage.

And they were on a bridge.

Nico swore as his fingers fumbled on his Bluetooth earpiece. He must have hit Jason's number twelve times before his fingers finally slid onto the call button by sheer chance.

He had his keys in hand and helmet on before the phone even rang once.

Even if the evacuation went perfectly (it never did), Jason wouldn't have a car by the time Tonitro and Waterspout were done with Pontifex.

Nico just had to hope that he could find his friend in the chaos that was sure to follow.

_

Had to stop it there because I couldn't for the life of me decide if I wanted to actually give Nico superpowers of his own or not. I have plot bunnies for both options, and this idea is just never going to leave me alone now!!!

I didn't even get to the jasico proper bc I can see like eight different directions that I want this to go and just.. ooh it's so fun!! Thank you again nonnie! 💕 feel free to let me know your thoughts and onions and whether or not you'd like to see more of this au!

[unionofhenchmen]

The Boss: Henchman 38! Play the kickass entrance music in exactly 40 seconds!

*click clack click clack*

....

*click clack click clack*

The Boss: "Do not play 'The Boys are Back in Town' again or so help me God I will skin you alive."

*click click click clack*

[sasheneskywalker]

batfamily fic recs where original characters are main characters

The Pros and Cons to Digging Your Own Grave by vermillion_crown

[+] Well, at least you know where it is.

[-] Like you don't have enough to do already.

Or another tough debate on which is worse: falling to your death from about 100 ft up onto wet concrete, or experiencing the still nebulous but unspeakable horrors of child trafficking?

Given the bluff profile of the average 10-year-old, maybe the terminal velocity can be increased significantly if that 10-year-old curls up during descent? While undesirable, instantaneous death still ranked higher than drawn-out suffering and mental trauma (if not also death). At least, that's the personal evaluation here. No prescribing this scenario's weightings onto anyone else.

So, the only thing left to do with that solved is to start climbing; bat-people have a schedule to keep, after all.

(The smart thing to do, when in way over your head, is to avoid trouble when you see it—animal-themed vigilantes first and foremost. But sometimes, they are the lesser evil.)

(Dick Grayson pulls a Bruce, gets bullied by a child, more at 11.)

T | Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings | Dick Grayson & Original Male Character(s), Barbara Gordon & Dick Grayson, Barbara Gordon & Original Male Character(s), Tim Drake & Original Male Character(s), Undisclosed Relationship(s)

Singing in the Dead of Night by shesgotthespirit

Bodies are dropping in Gotham--children, brain dead and tortured, numbered and tagged like cattle. The Bats are on the case, but with little to no physical evidence left behind, they’re faced with more questions than answers. But when a mysterious metahuman involves herself in the case, the investigation turns in a new, disturbing direction--and it turns out she might need their help just as much as they need hers.

OR

“Has anyone else noticed that the cooling-off period between Bruce’s dubiously-legal child acquisitions seems to be getting exponentially shorter?”

M | Graphic Depictions Of Violence | Cassandra Cain & Tim Drake & Dick Grayson & Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne & Damian Wayne, Cassandra Cain & Tim Drake & Dick Grayson & Jason Todd & Damian Wayne, Bruce Wayne & Damian Wayne, Dick Grayson & Damian Wayne, Stephanie Brown & Cassandra Cain, Tim Drake & Original Female Character(s), Bruce Wayne & Original Female Character(s), Cassandra Cain & Original Character(s), Dick Grayson & Original Female Character(s), Damian Wayne & Original Character(s), Batfamily Members & Original Female Character(s), Tim Drake & Bruce Wayne, Jason Todd & Original Female Character(s)

Mama's gonna buy you a Mockingbird by Blazonix

Your name is Catherine Todd. It’s not the name you went to sleep with last night, but that’s the name printed on the ID card tucked away in your bra. It took a while to find because you were a bit distracted by the fact you have a completely different face.

Not Rated | Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings | Catherine Todd & Jason Todd

oh, well imagine by blenderfullasarcasm

A union.

For goons.

A goon union.

A…goonion?

…Eh, beats customer service.

T | Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings | No Relationships

Reddit Posts of a Crime Alley Kid by Beachfox

Conrad's just your average 20 year old Crime Alley street-rat. He's no one special. Just another (Second) Robin worshiping, baseball bat wielding, Hench Work avoiding, homeless kid wrangling, street patrolling, Red Hood work for-ing, formerly homeless gay street-punk thug.

And sure, there's that time Robin slammed him off a wall hard enough to change his life, and that time he accused Batman of murder, and the time his sister Joker Gas bombed a playground. And sure, most of his family are active Henchmen for various Rogues, and sure Red Hood seems like he might be flirting with him, and sure despite his best efforts the Bats keep showing up in his life more and more often. But he's still just a normal average guy.

He also has a crippling Reddit addiction.

Alternatively

A character study of a hot trashfire of a human being in the DCUniverse as told through his many many Reddit posts.

T | Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings | Jason Todd/Original Male Character(s), Batman & Robin - Relationship

Nay, I Can't Resist Thee by Gement

"If that's what you're up for, 'kay." Oh god, he'd embarrassed Batman. Zach was too far gone on adrenaline and panic to shut up. "But I'm a masochist, and you're Batman. Look, I'm sorry. I know that makes it weird."

The one where a total stranger asks Batman to hit him in the face and, against all odds, this is an effective meet-cute strategy. It spirals out from there. Way, way out.

(Come on in, the water's fluffy-kinky-queer.)

E | No Archive Warnings Apply | Bruce Wayne/OMC, side Clark Kent/Bruce Wayne, side Selina Kyle/Bruce Wayne

[ravings-of-a-mad-scientist]

immediately fell in love with your blog this content is gold can I make a blog to be your overzealous henchman

YES, my legion of dastardly ne'er-do-wells grows!

Please sign this employee contract, at-will termination agreement, at-will disintegration agreement, oh and if you hear anyone saying they're from the Henching Union you can go ahead and just blast them no questions asked thanks!

[mostlysignssomeportents]

The Bezzle excerpt (Part IV)

I'm on tour with my new novel The Bezzle! Catch me TONIGHT in SALT LAKE CITY (Feb 21, Weller Book Works) and TOMORROW in SAN DIEGO (Feb 22, Mysterious Galaxy). After that, it's LA, Seattle, Portland, Phoenix and more!

This week marks the publication of my latest novel, The Bezzle, and to celebrate, I'm serializing an excerpt from Chapter 14 in six parts:

https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250865878/thebezzle

The Bezzle is a revenge story, a crime novel, and a technothriller. It stars Martin Hench, a hard-fighting forensic accountant who specializes in unwinding high-tech scams. Hench made his debt in last year's Red Team Blues (now in paperback!); The Bezzle is a standalone followup:

https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250865854/redteamblues

The serial tells the tale of Stefon Magner, AKA Steve Soul, a once-famous R&B frontman whose disintegrating career turned to tragedy when his crooked manager forged his signature on a rights assignment contract that let him steal all of Stefon's royalties, which ballooned after modern hiphop artists discovered his grooves and started buying licenses to sample them. The first three installments related the sad circumstances of Stefon's life, and the real-world analogues (like Leonard Cohen and George Clinton, both of whom were pauperized by sticky-fingered managers) as well as one real-world countermeasure, copyright termination, a thing that more artists should know about and use:

https://pluralistic.net/2021/09/26/take-it-back/

Today's installment weaves in a major subplot for the first time in the serial: Los Angeles's notorious, murderous Sheriff's Deputy gangs. These are another unbelievable true tale: for decades, the LASD's deputies have formed themselves into criminal gangs, some of which require that initiates murder someone to be inducted:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_LASD_deputy_gangs

They sport gang tattoos, have secret signs, and run vast criminal enterprises. This has been the subject of numerous investigative press reports, and one extensive official report that called the gangs "a cancer":

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/deputy-gangs-cancer-los-angeles-county-sheriffs-department-scathing-re-rcna73367

The sordid tales of the LASD gangs beggar belief. For example, deputies in charge of LA County jails forced inmates to pit-fight and took bets on the outcomes:

https://www.aclu.org/publications/report-cruel-and-usual-punishment-how-savage-gang-deputies-controls-la-county-jails

The taxpayers of LA have shelled out tens of millions of dollars to settle claims against LA's criminals with badges:

https://news.yahoo.com/deputies-accused-being-secret-societies-230851807.html

Periodically, LA judges and officials will insist that they are tackling the problem:

https://www.latimes.com/california/story/2023-05-17/dozens-of-lasd-deputies-ordered-to-show-suspected-gang-tattoos-reveal-others-who-have-them

But at every turn, the LA police "unions" manage to crush these investigations:

https://abc7.com/los-angeles-county-lasd-deputy-gangs-cliques/13492081/

And top cops are right there with them, insisting that these aren't "gangs" – they're just "subgroups":

https://lapublicpress.org/2024/01/former-la-sheriff-villanueva-sheriffs-gangs-are-just-subgroups/

It's very weird being an Angeleno and knowing that one of the largest, most militarized, best funded police departments in the world has been openly captured by a hyperviolent crime syndicate. When I was in the Skyboat Media studios last December with Wil Wheaton recording the audiobook for The Bezzle, Wil broke off from reading to say, "You know, someone's going to read this and google it and have their mind blown when they discover that it's real":

https://sowl.co/8nyGh

That's one of my favorite ways to turn literature into something more than entertainment. It's why I filled the Little Brother books with real-world surveillance, cryptography and security tech, giving enough detail to advance the plot and give readers an idea of what search terms would let them understand and use the concepts in the novel. That's something I'm happy to keep up with the Hench novels, unpicking the inner workings of scams and corruption. The more of us who are wise to this, the sooner we'll be able to get rid of it.

Here's part one of the serial:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/02/17/the-steve-soul-caper/#lead-singer-disease

Part two:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/02/19/crad-kilodney-was-an-outlier/#copyright-termination

Part three:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/02/20/fore/#lawyer-up

And now, onto part four!

The last of the boxes had been shelved.

Benedetto rose from his chair. “Thank you, gentlemen,” he said to the movers, and dug a roll of twenties out of his pocket and handed each of them two of their own. He turned to me as they filed out. “You wanna get sushi? The place next door is great.”

The empty storefront was in a down-­at-­heels strip mall in Eagle Rock. On one side, there was a Brazilian jujitsu studio that never seemed to have any students training in it. On the other side was Sushi Jiro, name on a faded sign with half its lightbulbs gone. Beyond that was a vaping store.

“The place next door is good?”

He laughed. “You San Francisco motherfuckers got terrible LA restaurant radar. Put Sushi Jiro in the Mission and it’d have a Michelin star and a six-­month waiting list. Here it’s in a strip mall and only the locals know how good it is. Bet you never had a decent meal in this town, am I right?”

“I’ve had a few,” I said, “but I admit my track record isn’t great.”

“Let’s improve it.”

The sushi was amazing.

#

Inglewood Jams had the kind of books that were performatively bad, designed to foil any attempt at human comprehension.

But whoever cooked them was an amateur, someone who mistook complexity for obfuscation. Like cross-­referencing was a species of transcendentally esoteric sorcery. I don’t mind cross-referencing. It’s meditative, like playing solitaire. I had Bene­detto send over some colored post-­it tabs and a big photocopier with an automatic feeder and I started making piles.

One night, I worked later than I planned. Sushi Jiro was becoming a serious hazard to my waistline and my sleep-­debt, because when your dinner break is ten yards and two doors away from your desk, it’s just too damned easy to get back to work after dinner.

That night, I’d fallen into a cross-­referencing reverie, and before I knew it, it was 2 a.m., my lower back was groaning, and my eyes were stinging.

I straightened, groaned, and slid my laptop into my bag. I found my keys and unlocked the door. The storefront was covered with brown butcher’s paper, but it didn’t go all the way to the edge. I had just a moment to sleepily note that there was some movement visible through the crack in the paper over the glass door when it came flying back toward me, bouncing off my toe, mostly, and my nose, a little. I put my one hand to my face as I instinctively threw myself into the door to close it again.

I was too late and too tired. A strong shoulder on the other side of the doorframe pushed it open and I stumbled back, and then the guy was on me, the door sighing shut behind him on its gas lift as he bore me to the ground and straddled my chest, a move he undertook with the ease of much practice. He pinned my arms under his knees and then gave me a couple of hard hits, one to the jaw, one to the nose.

My lip and nose were bleeding freely and my head was ringing from the hits and from getting smacked into the carpet tiles over concrete when I went down backward. I struggled—­to free my arms, to buck off my attacker, to focus on him.

He was a beefy white guy in his late fifties, with watery dark eyes and a patchy shave that showed gray mixed in with his dark stubble. As he raised his fist for another blow, I saw that he was wearing a big class ring. A minute later, that ring opened my cheek, just under the orbit of my eye.

Apart from some involuntary animal grunts, I hadn’t made a sound. Now I did. “Ow!” I shouted. “Shit!” I shouted. “Stop!” I shouted.

He split my lip again. I bucked hard but I couldn’t budge him. He had a double chin, a gut, and he was strong, and used that bulk to back up his strength. It was like trying to free myself from under a boulder. That kept punching me in the face.

The strip mall would be deserted. Everything was closed, even the vaping store.

Shouting wouldn’t help. I did it anyway. He shut my mouth for me with a left. I gagged on blood.

He took a break from punching me in the face, then. I think he was tired. His chest heaved, and he wiped sweat off his lip with the back of his hand, leaving behind a streaky mustache of my blood.

He contemplated me, weighing me up. I thought maybe he was trying to decide if I had any fight left in me, or perhaps whether I had any valuables he could help himself to.

He cleared his throat and looked at me again. “Goddammit, I messed your face up so bad I can’t tell for sure. I hope to fuck that you’re Martin Hench, though.”

Even with my addled wits, this was an important piece of intelligence: he came here for me. This wasn’t a random act of senseless Los Angeles street violence. This was aimed at me.

I was briefly angry at Benedetto for not warning me that Chuy Flores was such a tough son of a bitch. Then I had the presence of mind to lie.

“I don’t know who the fuck this Mark Hendricks is.” My voice was thick with gargled blood, but I was proud of Mark Hendricks. Pretty fast thinking for a guy with a probable concussion. The guy slapped me open-­handed across the face, and as I lay dazed for a moment, he shifted, reached into my back pocket for my wallet, and yanked it—­and the seat of my pants—­free. Before I could react, his knees were back on my biceps, pinning my arms and shoulders. It was a very neat move, and fast for an old guy like him.

He flipped my wallet open and squinted at it, then held it at arm’s length, then smiled broadly. He had bleach-­white teeth, a row of perfectly uniform caps. Los fucking Angeles, where even the thugs have a million-­dollar smile.

“Shoulda sprung for botox,” I slurred.

His grin got wider. “Maybe someday I will. Got these in trade from a cosmetic dentist I did some work for.” He dropped my wallet. “Listen, Martin Hench, you stay the fuck away from Thames Estuary and Lawrence Coleman.”

“It’s Lionel Coleman,” I said.

“What the fuck ever,” he said. He labored to his feet. I stayed still. He looked at me from a great height, and I stared up his nostrils. Without warning, he kicked my ribs hard enough that I heard one of them crack.

“You’ve been told,” he said to my writhing body, and let himself out.

ETA: Here's part five!

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/02/21/im-feeling-unlucky/#poacher-turned-keeper