#helping my 3rd grade cousin do math

[mooseonahunt]

What the fuck is a fact family

[helpimhopelesslyinlove]

My youngest cousin is 8. he's in like, 2nd or 3rd grade idfk. He called me crying bc "Maths is mean, and my teachers are all such prats" and honestly same dude. He asked me for help and I realized I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO LONG DIVISION???? MY TEACHERS FAILED ME DAMNIT.

ok wait, reblog if you’ve cried at least once because of math, doesn’t matter which grade i’m trying to prove something 

[connieshusband]

Fucking hate you, love to fuck you

Hate sex

Oikawa x fem!reader

"fuck you!" "Is that a promise?"

4k

reader was the captain and ace of the girls team, reader goes to Aoba Josai, reader is also Kag's cousin

Degradation, Slight Feminization Kink, Praise Kink, Fluffy Ending, Fluff and Angst, I'm not very good at writing smut, I also got tired while writing so its short... sorry, Sir Kink: but very minor, no beta we die like men

-cross posted on my ao3:  https://archiveofourown.org/works/31932412

MINORS DNI

Summary:

You hadn't registered that you'd slapped him until he look at you holding his red cheek with his large hand.

And you certainly hadn't registered that he had his tongue down your throat not a moment later. An honest to god moan leaving your lips which he smugly ate up.

___

Degration as well as any kink should have the full consent of all parties involved every time!!

I'm not very good at e2l so be gentle 🤩

I'm such a simp lmao

Oikawa could never figure out why you hated him when you both entered your first year of high school. Having come from a different middle school than you, he figured you'd be like the rest of the people in your grade level and fall all over him.

He wanted to ask why you had such a large stick up your ass during your first group project but chickened out. He assumed you'd at least get along as you were captain of the girls volleyball team and known for your powerful spikes. The setter in him really wanted to find out your perfect toss.

But it wasn't until your 3rd year when he came to despise you too.

He'd overheard you telling your best friend that your cousin made it onto his high schools volleyball team. Being the nosey Nelly that he is, he made the mistake of asking which school your cousin attended.

"Karasuno," you said, your chest puffed out.

It clicked: the black hair, intense expression, the last name even. He could practically see his protégé in the reflection of your eyes. He mentally slapped himself for not seeing it sooner.

His eyes narrowed, matching yours as tension of your silent beat down had to be cut by Iwazumi.

_____

You set down your suitcase, giving your aunt a big hug as she greeted you in the doorway. You give Tobio a fist bump as he helps you carry your things into the spare bedroom.

Your aunt had graciously allowed you to stay with her so you could be closer to school for your final year.

"I can't believe you're dropping volleyball club just as I'm about to join," Tobio whined, setting a suitcase on a chair in the corner of the room.

"I know," you said sullenly. You hadn't wanted to, but being captain and a 3rd year just wasn't going to be practical. Not being the best student, you thought it would be a wise decision.

Having always been close your your cousin on your dad's side came with its perks, including but not limited to drama. Ever since Tobio had joined volleyball in middle school he'd talked about Oikawa, usually brushing off some of the down right nasty things he'd said. But you hadn't. You took it upon yourself to help him train harder and harder to be able to defeat his bully when he'd found out he couldn't attend Aoba Josai with you.

Being an ace had its advantages when teaching Tobio about different techniques on how to set up a spiker best. Often gossiping about the smug bastard as you worked.

Of course, there was no escaping the pretty boy at school either. When your best friend, Ryu, had started dating his best friend Iwaizumi, being the 3rd and 4th wheel at hangouts became increasingly awkward.

And even worse when she mentioned your current math grade. Damn that ginger setter. And Mr. Perfect boasting about his grades to you. Which had lead you to your current situation.

Sitting in his bedroom.

Listening to him drawl on and on with rapidly decreasing interest.

While he looked hot as fuck.

What?!

With new found annoyance you scoffed at him snapping his fingers in your face.

"earth to y/n, I know I'm ravishing, but now it's math time." He said, a smirk decorating his lips.

“I ignored you on purpose, dumbass. Don't you get that I hate you?"

"I'm not asking you to stay, besides this has nothing to do with me?? Its calculus..."

"narcissist," you mumbled under your breath.

"must be your type," he shot back, "gawking at me for the last hour."

"aren't you dating whats-her-face from English?" You retorted, feeling your face heat up.

"yeah??" he said, confused.

You mocked his confusion, ""yeah" God, then stop flirting with me."

He scoffed, an eyebrow disappearing into bangs, "you must be a narcissist if you think I'm flirting with you because wow, it almost like I can't stand the sight of you, y/n," he rolled his eyes in disgust, sitting up in his chair indignantly.

You push him back into his chair, turning on your heels, saying nothing more.

"good!! I was going to kick you out anyway!"

____

You notice his current girlfriend wasn't hanging out with him at lunch nor sitting in his lap during English. In fact. He hadn't found new arm candy by the time your next session rolled around the following week.

___

After begrudgingly agreeing to do another tutoring session and making him promise no funny business, that rule was broken when he had his sleeves rolled up of his blue silk shirt, he glasses laying forgotten on the table, fingers rubbing his tired eyes as he tried to explain a difficult problem to you.

How could Tooru Oikawa be so fucking sexy and such a fucking dick at the same time?

Asking myself this a lot while writing

"fuck you, Oikawa! I don't need your bullshit!"

"fine! Fucking go then!" Giving you a light shove towards the door.

You hadn't registered that you'd slapped him until he look at you holding his red cheek with his large hand.

And you certainly hadn't registered that he had his tongue down your throat not a moment later. An honest to god moan leaving your lips which he smugly ate up.

You shoved him against his bed, your own smugness drinking up his moan.

You pulled your tank top off as you climbed on top of him. "You have condoms?" You asked, cringing at your breathless voice.

He flipped your position, hot breath fanning your ear, "don't you want to be filled with my cum, baby?"

Rolling your eyes, you flipped the position again, "the last thing the world needs is more of you running around."

He considered it before saying with a shrug "top drawer."

Leaning over, your legs still gripping his hips, you pulled out a condom wrapper and tossed it at his face. His nose scrunching cutely.

"pull some weight, lazykawa," you said, yanking his pants and underwear to his ankles. He was already fully hard and you took great satisfaction in wordlessly teasing him.

Trying to ignore you, a blush creeping up around his ears as he hurriedly rolling the condom onto his thick length, as you remove your bra. He flips your position once more, hovering over you, a taunting smirk plastered over his lips.

"can't go 10 minutes without getting your greedy pussy fucked?"

"Can't that mouth do anything besides half-assed insults, Shittykawa?" You mocked, he raised a cheeky eye brow at you.

He lowered his face to you heat, "want to find out?" You grip his hair harshly and shove his face between your thighs.

He rips off you panties and eagerly laps around your cunt before catching himself, slowing his ministrations.

He gripped your thighs as he buried his face in your heat. Alternating between sucking in your clit and finger fucking you, never letting you get both at the same time.

You bit your tongue, doing your best to avoid begging for more - a futile endeavor.

"C'mon babygirl, I know you want it," he sing-songed

You swallowed your pride, "please Tooru."

"sorry couldn't hear you, your legs were busy clamping around my ears.

Your legs shook in frustration and pleasure as he lazily drummed his finger on your sweet spot.

He leaned overtop of you, sucking harshly in your neck as his other hand massages your ass.

"please, Tooru! Please sir!"

"oo~" he remarks, returning between your legs, 3 fingers entering you suddenly as he nibbled along your thigh, quickly returning to sucking on your clit.

You come hard and without warning.

"delicious," he remarks, sitting up and licking his fingers clean, "and so many lewd noises too."

"You have a knack for bringing out the worst in people," you attempt to sound threatening but only succeeding in boosting his ego.

"Oh no~ I hate to find out what the best would be..." He unbuttons his blue silk shirt, allowing you to drink up the full show of his abs. "Not talking so big now, eh, Kageyama?"

You scowl at him before grunting a "just fuck me already".

"don't mind if I do."

You connected your lips with his, enjoying the noises he made as his neglected cock became engulfed in your warmth.

Neither of you lasted long.

He emptied himself into the rubber with a sexy grunt lining up with your moan.

After care he collapsed on top of you, his deep breaths matching yours.

Your hands still resting on his back, feeling scratches from your nails decorating his skin.

He had pressed his forehead to yours, you looked up to meet his eyes which were flitting between the purple marks on your neck and your eyes.

He hadn't held your gaze for more than a second when the realization of what just happened hit both of you at once. Pushing your bodies apart, you shamefully picked up your clothes from the floor leaving the room quickly.

____

It had been weeks since that day. You hadn't gone back for another tutoring session, claiming to Ryu that your grades had improved.

The free time had allowed you to be a better supporter for your cousin, getting a chance to meet his teammates and his friends.

You meet Karasuno's Ryu and think to yourself how well he and your Ryu would get along

While hanging out with your cousin at the spring tournament, you were enjoying a lunch break with a vibrant ginger, his best friend Hinata and a mutual friend with spiky hair. Bokuto, you had learned, was in your year and had a ton in common with you.

Maybe you'd gotten carried away returning his flirty looks and laughing a little too hard at his jokes. He remarked often how different your personality was from your cousin. After exchanging numbers to practice volleyball sometime (him being excited to practice with another captain/ace) an unfortunately familiar voice pulled you away from your fun.

"y/n?"

"what?" You roll your eyes, at Oikawa. You knew he had been watch you and the rest of Karasuno after they had win their first game. Beside you, you can feel the 3 boys, especially Tobio fuming.

"I have a question about the math assignment."

"I'm busy."

"too bad."

Recognizing that he wasn't going to go away until you give in, you stand up, brushing the dust from your bottoms. He leads the way out of sight from your new friends.

He harshly pushes you against the wall, "what do you think you're doing princess?"

You flip your position, he winced as his back connects with the concrete wall. "You ask you the same thing, princess."

His hand instinctively wrapped around your muscular arm submissively.

"you like that don't you?" You asked.

He nervously glanced around him for on lookers. Luckily he'd chosen a pretty secluded spot

"wouldn't want your fan girls to see you being treated like the pretty white you are?" You smirked.

He nodded shyly.

You grabbed his ass, earning a submissive squeak from him.

"such a good princess, getting his flat ass groped," you smile, you see him swallow a moan as his eyes flutter shut.

You begin painfully slowly palming him through his shorts, feeling him grow under you.

"I hope you lose," you whisper sensually into his ear.

He scowls at you as you pull away completely. Leaving him hard, exposed, and blushing as you return to your new friends.

______

The cheers from Karasuno's supporters hadn't quieted down as the team packed up. Still high on adrenaline and pride for your baby cousin, you took the time to use the bathroom before the long drive home.

Rounding the corner you heard voices, recognizing one to be Oikawa and the other belonging to a deep voiced man.

Sneaking a peak your eyes go wide. He was face to face with Ushiwaka. The former not fairing well in the conversation. You didn't think a man could look for upset than the way Oikawa looked right now.

As the conversation comes to a close, you wait until Oikawa has gone out if sight to chase after him. Accidentally running into Ushiwaka.

"sorry" you mumble, attempting to move past.

"you're with karasuno, yes?" Ushiwaka asks.

Your mind didn't really register him, instead giving him a quick pat on the shoulder and a "that's great, buddy," as you run after the brunette.

Hearing an "I look forward to playing them." In the distance.

"Hey!"

He was too far ahead to really hear you, pushing past the front doors.

"HEY!" You yell, nearly at his heels. You stand in the doorway breathing hard, "TOORU!"

He turns to face you, Iwaizumi annoyed that he can't convince their captain to just get on the bus already.

You beckon him over and he skeptically approaches you.

"here to gloat?" He asks, his voice lacking the usual sharpness.

"Tobio is staying at Hinata's tonight and my aunt is out is town for the next two days," you say.

You see the cogs working as he pieces together what you're offering. His mouth forming an 'o' shape as he realizes.

You smile smugly before running back to where Karasuno's bus is parked, giving Tobio a running jump hug, which he awkwardly returned.

__

If nothing else, Oikawa was punctual. Arriving at exactly at 7:30. You hadn't done anything special, just heated up 2 frozen pizzas that your aunt had left. Watching his form as he quietly ate his 3 cheese. He hadn't said a word besides "thank you" after you'd served him. While yes, apart of you meant when you'd said that you hoped he lose but the guilt of seeing the cocky bastard looking so small on the other side of the table, nibbling on the crust. Pity maybe?

"You played really we-"

His eyes were red, his pride keeping him from crying in front of you. "I don't want to talk about it."

"You want to have sex?"

he hesitated before asking, "can we be nice?"

You nodded. Making your way to his chair, straddling his hips and cupping his face. You kissed him slow and deliberate. You don't kiss long before you start to feel his dick springing to life. You stand up pulling him, walking backwards, towards your room accidentally walking into the partially open door.

"Graceful," he commented, a hint of his salty tone under his words as he resumed kissing you.

You grinded against each other for a few moments, drinking in each others moans. You pulled away momentarily, his cheeks dusted pink, breathing heavy, his dick straining in his pants.

"You're so beautiful," you said. He blushed harder, his cock twitching in it's confines. Your fingers dip under the waistband of his pants and pull them down, licking your lips when his cock hits his stomach. You're about to press your lips to his tip when you feel pressure on your forehead.

"y-you don't have to..." he says. You cock your head to one side, your lips parted as you gaze up at him. "I-I get it you know... I don't hold it against you..."

"I want to," you say, "if you want me to."

He nods slowly, his eyes fluttering shut as he enters your warm mouth.

Out of all the sex you'd had, this moment with Tooru didn't feel like sex. It felt like making love.

After he got close, you popped your mouth off and had ridden him. His muscles still sore from his games. Your lips danced with his as his hips met yours. Both of you reaching your climax simultaneously.

Tired in the best way, you cuddle up to his bare chest, kissing his cheek, "don't think this means I like you, flatass."

"of course," he says, relaxing into your touch.

"good."

"it was the fact that my dick was down your throat that made be think that."

You punch him in the ribs, earning an 'ouch' followed by a quiet, "let me have one win today." Followed by an even quieter "sorry" from you.

You place a gentle kiss on his cheek again before returning to your snuggle position. He wraps his arms around your waist as you both drift off to sleep.

______

It's been a number of days and neither if you had spoken about it. You wanted to text him a simple 'good morning' but the image of him quietly shuffling out of your room at the crack of dawn when he thought you were still sleeping, placing a gentle kiss on your temple. You didn't want to seem too eager or somehow let on that not only were you awake but had enjoyed when he'd done it.

After the girls had lost to Fukurodani's girls in the semi finals, Ryu had insisted on dragging you out to play volleyball with her and some 'friends'. You secretly hope it's the other girls from your team. You find yourself not disappointed that it's Iwaizumi and Oikawa.

"Warm up 'Yama!" Oikawa yells at you, serving the ball in your direction as you and Ryu approach.

Caught off guard for a moment, you return the ball back at him, hitting his face lightly with an oof.

Of course, Ryu wanted to set for her boyfriend, leaving you with Oikawa.

You made a pretty good team, he picked up your style quickly, the ball exactly where you wanted it without having to tell him anything. Not to mention that Oikawa had racked up a third of the points on service aces alone, Iwaizumi finally adjusting to being on the receiving end on them. He and Ryu had made a magnificent comeback, clearly having practiced with each other before. You were lucky if you could get a piece of one of Iwa's spikes, Tooru faired better but they quickly took the lead. You grab Oikawa's arm, causing him to look at you curiously.

"set it to me, but I'll set it back. You spike it," you said, finishing your sentence by looking at him.

He considers it.

"break it up love birds!" Iwa shouted at you. Ryu making obnoxious kissing noises behind him. You quickly let go of his arm to flip her off, causing her to burst out laughing.

Iwa serves.

"it's mine!" Tooru yells. Mid jump, he faces you, the subtlest of winks as the ball flies into the air.

Smiling, you angle your body for a spike, Ryu taking the bait, but at the last moment, your hand sent the ball perpendicular to the net, straight into Oikawa's hand. The ball whizzing past Iwa's ear.

The adrenaline getting the better of you as you both embrace, celebrating a successful kill.

You revel in you best friend and her stoic boyfriend exchanging a bewildered look.

At the end of the game Oikawa offers to drive you home, when out of the way of prying eyes, he leans against his car. "Before your cousin goes to nationals, he and shorty should play against us."

"Yeah and maybe Tobio can set for me one round," you say, playing with the hem of his shirt, "but if there's any funny business from you, I'm calling it off."

"Who, me??" he jokes, aware of his history with your family.

You don't respond, opting to gently press your lips to his. He returns the kiss, cupping your face.

________________

Did I write myself into the story? ┐( ∵ )┌ Maybe a little...

I'm also not opposed to doing a part two, so lemme know in the comments ( ꈍᴗꈍ)

Also not me writing my first Haikyuu fic be Oikawa when I wanna break his knees 🥴🤚 (couldn't resist tho he's been on my mind, especially with glasses 🥵🤒)

Also also not me writing this from 1:30 am to 8am then had half my work deleted so I had to redo it the following night 🤪👈

[xoxo-nikki-xoxo]

Tag Alone

Jacob Black X Female reader

Prompt #27: “This is NOT a double date, we are simple 3rd and 4th wheeling. You hear me!”

--------------------------------------

You fell victim to peer pressure yesterday afternoon during you Honors Literature class. You cousin, Emily, had begged you to go on a double date with her. Of course, she is trying to set you up with someone that is what she always dose. But this time it is with Jacob.. Jacob black. You embarrassed yourself in front of him terribly Friday. It was a normal day you thought intel you got to lunch, that was your dignity went right down the sink.

The pack was always the rowdy group in school, which was very annoying sense you had both Paul and Jared in math class. But that was beside the point. Jacob had not been in school for a couple of months, so when he returned it felt different. You were carrying you lunch tray to your table when you locked eyes with him. A blush hit your cheeks as you put you head down to shield yourself from embarrassment. What you did not know though was that he was going to be in front of you in a split second. Tripping over nothing you spilled your lunch all over his front side. That was the last time you seen him. Sense that all happened on Friday. Let us just not talk about the fact he called after you as you ran to the bathroom to get away from everyone staring.

Today was currently Sunday, weirdly enough Jacobs been trying to see you sense Friday. To clarify you tutored him in English class, so that is why he had your phone number. You sighed staring at yourself in the mirror. Where you ready for this date? Emily was the main reason you are going. She did not even tell you it was with Jacob intel after school when you guys were walking home. You have butterflies in your stomach, and it is not the pleasant ones. Biting your lip, you took one more glance at yourself in the mirror. You looked good you thought, you had on some skinny jeans with a cream color sweater. Normal would not have busted out the nice sweater, but it was a double date. You at least wanted to try.  

According to Emily, Jacob was going to pick you up at 5pm. Its currently 5:15pm... Your pacing in your living room when you hear Jacobs motorcycle pull into your driveway. Great. He walks up to the door about to knock when you answer.

“Hey! Sorry I'm late...*scratches back of head* my car wouldn’t start so I had to take the cycle.” He says looking up into your piercing Y/E/C eyes.

“It's fine, but let's just clear the air yeah?” You say putting a hand on your hip as you use the other one for gesture when you talk. “This is NOT a double date; we are simple 3rd and 4th wheeling. You hear me!” You say looking at him as a smirk forms on his lips.

“Yes, ma’am. Here is your helmet” Jacob says handing me the helmet. You giggle your cheeks flushing again as you took the helmet. Both of you making your way to the motorcycle getting on. You put the helmet on wrapping your arms around him.

“Don't get overconfident. I can hear that grin on your face” You say as he drives the both of you to dinner.

The dinner was quite nice, both you and Jacob sat right next each other. Making small talk was easy, you told him the about the drama that had happen in school when he was gone.

“So, from what I'm gathering is that everyone is having boy problems but you?” Jacob asked making you choke on your mac and cheese.

“For your information it's on purpose I'm not dating anyone. All the boys in high school are very immature. Emily can agree with that!” You point out

“I can agree, but I do have a very loving boyfriend” Emily says smiling up at Sam.

You shake your head laughing a little. “Sense you wanted to point that out Jake, then why don’t you have a girlfriend?” You ask taking a bite of your food. In the corner of your eyes you see him tense a little. He is thinking about what to say and how he says it.  

“Well I do have a pretty big crush on this girl I've known for like my whole life. My only problem I think is she thinks I’m an immature boy from high school” He says

“Well I'm quite sure she probably knows you like her and is just playing hard to get. You’re an awesome guy she would be stupid to say no to you.” You say looking up at Emily who was looking between Jacob and you. Your role your eyes, you can a suspension he is talking about you.  

--After dinner--

You smiled softly at Jacob as he helped you off the bike.

“I had a wonderful time” He says putting his hands in his pockets as he walks you to the front door.

“Me too.” You say tucking a piece of hair behind your ear as you walk up the stairs.

“Y/N?” He asks standing on the last step as he watches you unlock your front door.

“yeah?” You reply looking down at him. He looked charming, you just wanted to reach out and kiss him.

“You know I was talking about you right... I like you... like a lot I have ever sense 1st grade.” He says, his eyes sparkle under the glow of your porch light.

“I know kind of hard not to notice... Especially when you called after me during lunch... Maybe we should do a little more than study together? Call me?” You say smile at him as you walk inside you house.  After you close and lock the door you do a little dance.

*phone vibrates*

         Text messages

Jacky: “Meet you at the beach in 15?”  

Me: “sounds perfect”

-------------------------------------------------------------

Tag list for Twilight

@theepartygetsmewetter @randomxstuffx @honestlyyaya @cullens-stuff @its-la-push​  

[nice-neck-by-the-way]

I Really Need Your Love

High School AU

Author’s note: I’m sorry for the delay, i got distracted doing other stuff and couldn’t finish this chapter, but now is finally done :)

I really feel like i suck at writing but as always, hope you enjoy this, and if someone wants to leave any feedback i really appreciate it

Part 1  Part 2

Chapter 3

After the movie ended, they made small talk, but it didn’t last long considering that it was Thursday night, they still had one day to go and then they could have their weekly sleepover, this week it was Kitty’s turn to host the sleepover at her house.

After saying their goodbyes, they all went their separate ways

Parr only had to walk two blocks to get to her house, she was practically neighbors with Jane. The night breeze helped Parr clear her thoughts a little, but she still couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong with Anne, so she decided to pull her phone out and just text her

Cathy: Hey Anne, hope you arrived to your house safely, I was wondering if we could talk?

Anne thought that she was going to have a heart attack right there and then, she also wanted to scream but that wasn’t an option since her mom was right next to her in the car. What if she found out, what if Kitty told her, although she knew there was no way that was possible, was Anne being too obvious?

‘Just breath act normal’

Anne: Hey Cathy, I still have a couple of minutes until I get home, what about you? And Sure! Wassup

Cathy couldn’t help but let a little smile take over her face, Anne and her special way of talking

Cathy: I still have a block left. Well I was just wondering what was wrong today? Did I do something wrong? If so, I’m really sorry

Anne: What?! No! you did nothing wrong, don’t worry, I just had a stomach bug.

Parr of course didn’t believe the excuse Anne gave her, but if she wanted to get an honest answer from her, they were going to have to talk in person, so just for now Parr let it go

Cathy: Oh, okay. 

They made some small talk until they both got home

Cathy: I have to go have dinner now, take care! And see you tomorrow :) xo

‘Anne: Oh, wait Cathy I'm in love with you’

Obviously, she couldn’t send that message, so she just had to conform with

Anne: Sure, see ya tomorrow xo

Neither Parr or Anne fell asleep that night

---

Meanwhile in Cleves car

They had been talking about meaningless things for most of the ride, but Anna couldn’t hold her curiosity any longer

“Sooooo, Kitty”

“Mmmm?”

“What was wrong with Anne?”

“Sorry Anna, is not my place to tell”

“Oh, so there is something to tell”

“Just drop it really”

Cleves wasn’t used to Kitty looking so serious, so she figured it must be an important thing that was troubling that Boleyn girl, she decided to drop the subject

---

The next day Parr decided that it was time to talk to Anne, they both had free time at 3rd period, so she only had to wait till then. Parr had texted Anne to meet her on their secret spot that they found on the library when they were in 6th grade, before they stopped talking to each other.

When Anne received the text she immediately got out of class and called Kitty, she was hyperventilating and needed someone to calm her down

The phone rang once then twice

“Come on Kitty please pick-up”

At the fourth ring Kat finally answered the phone

“Annie you know I’m in math class and I need to get my grades up”

She was going to keep telling Anne the thousands of reasons why it was a bad idea to call her when she knew she was in class, but then she heard the erratic way Anne was breathing

“Annie is everything okay?”

It took everything in Anne’s strength to not cry in the hallway

“No, Kit Kat can you meet me at the bathroom that is next to the chemistry lab on the second floor please?”

“Sure, I’m on my way, just remember to breath”

Katherine bolted upstairs to the bathroom she was told to go to, and when she got there and opened the door, she was met with the sight of a very distraught Anne Boleyn hugging her knees on the bathroom floor, this brought memories of what had happened the day before

Kat made sure to lock the door before turning around to speak to her cousin

“Annie what happened? Is it because of what we talked at Jane’s?”

Anne lifted her head, allowing Katherine to look at her red puffy eyes

“No, I mean yes, kind of but not exactly”

“What?”

“Well I didn’t tell you the whole story yesterday”

Anne took a big breath

“Kitty I’m in love with someone”

“Oh Annie that’s fantastic who is it?”

“No, it’s not fantastic, you see the girl I'm in love with is Cathy”

“WHAT?!”

“Shh lower your voice”

“I’m sorry, whaaaat??”

“I’ve been in love with her for years actually”

“But but you were with Henry”

“Long story, I swear I’ll explain everything later, but I need your help now”

“Sure thing, anything for my favorite cousin”

“Well Cathy texted me yesterday asking me what was wrong but I just told her I had a bug, I’m pretty sure she didn't believe me because now she texted me saying that she wanted to meet up and I'm really scared she found out that I'm in love with her and maybe she is going to tell me that she doesn’t want to see me anymore and I just don’t know what to do”

Anne said everything in just one breath, Kitty has never seen her talking so fast

“Wow calm down it’s a lot of information in just 5 seconds”

“I’m sorry I just- I’m really nervous”

“It’s okay Annie, first of all there is no way Cathy knows that you are in love with her, second, it’s totally okay if you are in love with her you would look really cute together, who knows maybe she has a thing for you too”

“Please Kitty don’t get my hopes up”

“Annie you’ll never know how she feels if you don’t tell her”

“Yeah, I guess you are right”

“Of course I’m right” she said with a wink

Anne finally stood up from her place where she had been crying just moments ago

“Now go get her”

“Actually, I have class right now”

“Well go to class and then go get her”

“Thank you Kitty, I don’t know what I would do without you”

She hugged her and said goodbye before exiting the bathroom, making her way to her next class before she had to talk to Cathy 

---

Parr had literature for 1st and 2nd period, and although it was her favorite subject, she couldn’t focus on anything her teacher was saying, she kept receiving weird glances from Aragon that was sitting next to her, but she didn't care, too worried about the conversation she was about to have with the girl she has known for so many years

In the other side of the school things weren’t any easier on Anne, her head was working a hundred miles per second, what could Cathy possibly want to talk about, her anxiety was reaching new levels

The bell rang and the two girls made their way to the spot they have known for so many years

Anne was the first one to get there, that gave her some time to think, being in that spot brought a lot of memories, how they used to hide there for hours to talk and read, sometimes Anne was even able to convince Cathy to skip some classes

They were best friends, they met when they were in diapers due to the fact that their parents were also best friends, they grew up together

When they were both 14 Anne started to feel stuff, feelings towards Cathy, and not exactly the friendship kind of feelings, she got so scared because all her life she’s been told that a relationship should be between a man and a woman, she didn’t understand why she was feeling this way so she pushed everything to the back of her head, but it didn’t work, the feelings didn’t go away

When they were 16 Henry started to show interest in her so she thought this was her opportunity to forget about Cathy, maybe she just needed to be with someone else, but that only made everything worse, they drifted apart, and Anne just couldn’t be more unhappy

Her chain of thoughts were interrupted by the other girl arriving

“Sorry I’m late, i had classes in the other side of school”

Anne gave her a sympathetic smile

“I know, don’t worry”

They sat down and just stared at each other for what felt like hours until Cathy cleared her throat

“So Annie i wanted to talk with you”

The other girl closed her eyes afraid of what was to come

“I’ve noticed for awhile that you’ve been acting weird, and don’t even try to lie to me, i’ve known you my whole life, i know when you are not okay, so please Annie talk to me”

“Cathy I- you are right” Anne just sighed, not being able to keep living this lie anymore “i have something to tell you”

“I’m all ears”

“But before i tell you this, you need to promise that nothing will change between us and that you won’t stop being my friend”

This took Cathy by surprised she has never seen the other girl so scared in her life

“Annie you are scaring me, what’s wrong?”

‘Here goes nothing’

“Catherine Parr, I’m in love with you”

[love-of-fandoms]

Loving You: Chapter 23

Master List

Chp 1 Chp 2 Chp 3 Chp 4 Chp 5 Chp 6 Chp 7 Chp 8 Chp 9 Chp 10 Chp 11 Chp 12 Chp 13 Chp 14 Chp 15 Chp 16 Chp 17 Chp 18 Chp 19 Chp 20 Chp 21 Chp 22

Freya woke up to her ringtone going off on her bedside table. She groaned, rolling over and stretching to reach her phone, and once she finally grabbed it, she held it up to her ear with an exhausted “Yeah?”. Dorghu’s voice came through the speakers, seeming gruff and a little rushed.

“Freya, just a reminder to get Sam to school,” and with that he hung up again. Freya blinked, putting her phone down gently.

“Good morning to you too,” she mumbled, sitting up and swinging her legs over to get up and stumble over to Sam’s room. “Wakey wakey little gremlin! Time for school!” she shouted into his room before going back to her bedroom to get dressed. As she bounced into her pants, Kandomere turned over to look at her, finally joining the land of the living.

“Morning!” Freya greeted, giving him a quick kiss on the lips before rifling through her drawers for a shirt. Kandomere just hummed, admiring the view. “Oh!” Freya gasped, as if remembering something, and she bounded back to Kandomere to give him a far more sound kiss. “Can you pretty pretty please make breakfast?” she asked when they pulled away, and Kandomere huffed out a quick laugh.

“I would have anyway, querida, no need to bribe me with kisses,” he grumbled, getting up and tugging on a t-shirt from his duffle bag. As he shuffled to the kitchen to see if Freya had the ingredients for pancakes, Freya went over to check on Sam.

“Sammy, you up?” she called through the door, and jumped when said door opened almost immediately with a fully dressed Sam and his backpack waiting right behind it.

“Mm… mom! I’m not little anymore! Do you have to call me Sammy?” he grumbled, and Freya laughed, giving him a kiss to the top of his head.

“As a matter of fact, yes, I am required by the law of the land to still call you Sammy,” she giggled, and Sam tried to remain serious, but Freya could see the little smile. “We still have a bit before we gotta get you to the bus stop, don’t be so chipper so early in the morning, silly!” she giggled some more, and Sam laughed right back.

“Actually, I was wondering if you could help me with my math? Dad almost burned my book because they ‘changed math’,” he held up his hands to put finger quotes there, and Freya nodded.

“Sounds like him,” she said, nodding to the dining room. “Let’s see what you’ve got,” Sam nodded as he and Freya sat down at the dining room table, pulling his book out. When Freya looked at his assignment, her eyes widened.

“What are they teaching you?!” she gasped. “I wasn’t doing this until at least 7th grade!” she whipped her head to look at the 3rd grader, and he grinned proudly.

“I already finished all the other work, so my teachers have been giving me work from the older kids’ class,” he explained, and Freya nodded with a proud smile.

“Impressive,” she muttered, giving him a brief side hug before turning to his math again, beginning to explain and see what exactly he was stuck on.

Soon Kandomere was walking in with a plate stacked high with pancakes. Sam gasped at the smell and the sight, turning to Freya with a deadpan.

“Marry him,” he said, and Freya laughed.

“We practically are, being mates and all,” she explained, missing Kandomere’s beaming grin at that, and Sam shrugged.

“Good, that means I get more of these pancakes,” he said simply, and Freya beamed at him so easily accepting Kandomere’s more permanent fixture in her life. She leaned over to give Kandomere a kiss on the lips, muttering a thank you against them.

Soon the trio were walking down the street to Sam’s bus stop a couple of blocks away, Sam slightly ahead of the mates. As they turned a corner, Freya’s brows furrowed as her phone rang with a call from Emil.

“Hey, what’s up?” she asked when she picked up, and Emil greeted her right back.

“Hey Freya, I’m boarding in a couple of minutes, I’ll be in LA in 8 hours, think you can pick me up?” he inquired, and Freya groaned.

“Emil, I don’t have my car right now,” she explained, and Emil didn’t miss a beat.

“Just ask your mate,” he said, and Freya shook her head, despite him not being able to see it.

“I can’t do that! He might have work or something!” she said, and Kandomere glanced over, nudging her with a look as if to ask ‘what’s going on?’. Freya put her phone to her chest, saying “My cousin is flying to LA and he’ll be here in 8 hours, he’s wondering if I can pick him up, but since I can’t he wants me to ask you,” she muttered, and Kandomere chuckled a bit.

“Of course I can pick up your cousin, querida,” he says, and Freya smiled, giving him a sound kiss.

“Thank you,” she muttered, bringing the phone back up to her ear, groaning when Emil was a smug shit.

“I told you so,” he said, like a child. Freya didn’t even grace that with a response, hanging up. They were at Sam’s bus stop anyway. Freya gave Sam a subtle peck on his cheek, not wanting to be that ‘embarrassing’ mom. Sam smiled at her briefly before going over to stand with some of the other kids in his grade. As Freya turned around, however, Kandomere’s brows furrowed seeing some human kids throwing things at Sam, wads of paper and such. He nudged Freya, gesturing his chin for her to look.

Freya gasped quietly, immediately whipping out her phone and hitting the Grumpy Orc Dad contact as they walked back to her building.

“Yo, some kids are picking on Sam at the bus stop,” she said as soon as he picked up. Dorghu grunted.

“Human? Orc?” he asked, and Freya told him.

“Human,” Dorghu hung up, quickly calling Mikey.

“We got a problem,” he said, and Mikey hummed a question. “Kids are picking on Sam,” he said, and Mikey gestured Jamie over.

“We’ll handle it dad,” he said once Jamie was filled in. Dorghu grunted before calling Freya again.

“Mikey and Jamie are handling it,” he said, and Freya nodded.

“Good,” she hung up, seeing Kandomere’s slightly concerned expression.

“Nothing illegal,” she quickly soothed. “Just some posturing and shit,” she said, and Kandomere nodded in understanding.

All that being settled, Freya’s building and the awning in front of her shop was now visible, and Freya let out a startled gasp when she was suddenly airborne, Kandomere laying her horizontal in his arms in a bridal carry.

“What the hell?!” she gasped, trying to mask her giggles. “What’s this about?” Kandomere smirked at her, the smirk quickly morphing into a dorky grin as he explained.

“Well, you said we were basically married earlier, so I figured I’d do a little human tradition to honor those adorable round ears of yours,” he said, nipping at the lobe of one of said ears. Freya could no longer contain her giggles, her laughter coming out in cute squeaking hiccups as she buried her face into her elvish mate’s neck.

There was an awkward moment when they came to the door of her building, Kandomere not having enough hands. But instead of having Freya open the door for him, Kandomere shifted her over one shoulder like a sack of potatoes, and opened the door himself. Freya grumbled, swatting his ass lightly.

“Your shoulder is digging into my ribs, Kandy,” she muttered, smile still not leaving her face. Kandomere chuckled a bit, maneuvering her back into the original bridal carry as he opened the door to her apartment. Freya’s eyes widened realizing he had just carried her over a block and up three flights of stairs. That strength totally did not do things to her lower regions… nope, not at all.

As Kandomere carried Freya over the threshold, he almost dropped her in surprise when a sprite came fluttering out of Freya’s bedroom and right up to his face. Luckily he managed to tighten his grip quickly, righting Freya and placing her gently on the ground.

“Janet?” Freya asked in surprise, the yellow sprite giggling maniacally.

“There’s a present in your bedroom,” she said simply between fits of giggles, zipping downstairs, the door slamming behind her. Freya and Kandomere could hear faint giggling coming from the other sprites, which was shocking as they were all down in the shop.

Freya and Kandomere exchanged glances, both with puzzled faces, before rushing to her bedroom to see what this ‘present’ was. Kandomere was in front of Freya, and once he saw it, he began to laugh, hunching over a bit, and Freya peered over his shoulder, face erupting in a blush when she saw it, wrapped in a neat bow, set innocently on her bed. 

“I’m unsure whether to thank them or spray them with pesticides,” she mumbled, and Kandomere just laughed harder.

Chp 24

[lovemesomesurveys]

Have you ever read the Hunger Games series? Yep and watched all the movies. I was really into it at the time. When was the last time you ran into something? Hmm. I don’t recall. Do you enjoy dressing up? Nah. Do you live in the city or a rural area? I live in the city. Would you say you have a sense of style? My sense of style consists of mostly graphic tees and leggings, but also some Adidas clothes. And shoes. 

What’s your biggest fear? This question comes up all the damn time. Have you ever been bitten by a wild animal? Nooo. Are you close to any of your cousins? Aww, I used to be close to a few of my cousins. Not anymore, though. :( That’s all my fault. I became really distant and withdrawn from friends and even family outside of my immediate family.  Have you ever been lost in the woods? No, thankfully. Where did you last travel? Disneyland back in February. Do you enjoy driving? I don’t drive.  What song did you last listen to? I mentioned this in a previous survey already, but I’ve had Savage by Megan the Stallion stuck in my head because of TikTok. If you have a job, how often do you work? I don’t have a job. What time do you normally go to sleep at night? For the past month I’ve been going to bed after 6AM. :X Do you watch a lot of movies? Hmm. Not a lot, no. I watch more TV shows. Do you like Tom Petty? ”Now I’m freeeeeee Free fallin’.” Would you rather have snow or rain? I love rainy days. It doesn’t snow here, but I wish it did. Do you own a lot of sweaters? I own a lot of sweatshirts. Have you ever tried rock-climbing? Well, no. For obvious reasons. Ever ridden in a police car? Nope. Favorite decade of music? That’s tough cause I like music that spans across decades, but I think the 90s and early 2000′s will hold a special spot. Have any of your best friends been your best friend longer than a year? My longest was my best friend of 15 years.  Ever witnessed a murder? Noooo.  Does your room have a ceiling fan? Yep. Have you ever tried blogging? Before Tumblr I had Xanga for a long time.  Favorite television channel? E!, MTV, The Hallmark Channel, TeenNick, TVLand, and the ID Channel. Have you ever lied under oath? I’ve never had to be under oath. What are your religious views? I’m a Christian. When did you last change your bed sheets? A week ago. Would you consider yourself a flirt? No. At what age do you plan to be married? I don’t plan on getting married. Do you eat a lot of junk food? Honestly, all I eat is sandwiches, ramen, eggs, and Wingstop. Sometimes pizza and pasta. When did you last go on vacation? I’ve answered this 3 times now tonight, but I went to Disneyland back in February. Are you resilient? I was when I was younger. Definitely not anymore. Have you ever failed a subject before? I failed one math course in community college and had to retake it again. I ended up doing a lot better the 2nd time. I honestly believe it’s because I had a better teacher. If so, what was the class? ^^^ Do you wear more bright or dull colors? Dull. Majority of my clothes are black. Do you know anyone who has attempted suicide? Yes. What’s your favorite quote? Blah. How many clocks are in your house? Like 20 including all the electronics.  Do you play any sports? Nope. What is your biggest life regret? I have a lot of those. Have you ever been injured in a car accident? No, thankfully. If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you be? Well obviously right now I only want to be at home, but I look forward to the day I can go to the beach. Have you ever had highlights in your hair? Yeah, I had them for years. Favorite fast food restaurant? I’m not into fast food anymore like I used to be. I was a fast food junkie before. The only takeout I’m into is Wingstop. And pizza from a local place, but I haven’t had that in awhile. In what country were you born? US of A. Are your eyes more than one color? Nope, just brown. Have you ever caught something on fire? Something in the microwave once, something in the oven once, the tips of my hair.... What would you consider your biggest flaw? Oh boy where to start. What do you think your best quality is? I don’t know. Do you enjoy listening to others’ problems? I used to be the person people came to if they needed advice or just someone to talk to and I was good at it. I liked being there and helping any way I could. People told me they felt comfortable talking to me and I was easy to talk to. It could also be overwhelming and draining at times. Especially leading up to when I fell into a really low, dark place a few years ago. I couldn’t be that person anymore. I wasn’t in a good headspace. I pushed everyone away and became very distant and withdrawn. That was 4 years ago and I’m still out of that place. :/

Do you keep any plants in your house? Nope. What is your mother’s occupation? She’s a manager at Walgreens.  Do any of your friends like your musical style? My family and I share some musical interests. What are you most looking forward to? I wanna say this quarantine ending, but I know resuming life in the real world would also be making me anxious when the time comes. I guess I’m most excited for seeing Gabie again, because I haven’t seen March 7th. <<< SAME to the first part.  What was your favorite television show as a child? Disney Channel, Nickelodeon, PBS, Saturday morning cartoons on ABC, WB Kids... all the kid shows in the 90s, basically. Are you afraid of insects? YES. ALL of them. Are you cold-natured? I’m very warm blooded, I feel like I’m always hot. I like when I’m actually cold and can wear a hoodie/sweatshirt or curl up under a blanket. How old were you when you got your first pet? We had a dog when I was a baby. Did you / do you enjoy high school? I liked parts of it.  What would you say was your favorite age? Childhood. What annoys you most about social networking? Trolls, fake news, cancel culture.

Are you the center of attention most of the time? Nooo. I never want to be the center of attention. What are you currently reading? I’m starting the 2nd book in the Jack Ryder Mystery Series by Willow Rose. When did you last go to the library? Sometime back in 2014 when I was still in school. Are you ill at the moment? Not with a virus or anything like that, thankfully. I just always feel crappy for other reasons. Do people tease you about anything? How I’m too sensitive.  How late did you stay up last night and why? Last night I went to bed at 4 in the morning, which is really early for me these days. Have you ever written poetry? I dabbled with it when I was 16. I still have the diary I wrote them in and yikes they’re so cringe-y haha. Curtains or shades? Curtains.  How many people have you spoken to in the last hour? Zero, everyone in my house is asleep. Do you tend to text a lot? Nope. Ever lost a great best friend? Yes. What is your favorite kind of flower? Eh, I just say roses but I don’t really have one. Do you own any guns? No. What would you say is your favorite book of all-time? I could never choose. What’s your least favorite part of the day? Late evening always seems to go by really slow.

Have you ever won an award for a speech? No. Do you tend to curse a lot? Nah. Have you ever played on the Ouija board? Nooo. I don’t mess with that kind of stuff. Do you sleepwalk? Nope. Have you ever slept on the floor before? Yeah. Are you a fan of public displays of affection? I don’t care for like heavy make out sessions or groping all over each other, but I don’t care about a kiss, cuddling, or hand holding. When did you last attend a yard sale? When I was a kid. We had a family friend who had them often. What goals do you wish to accomplish tomorrow? I don’t have anything I want to accomplish tomorrow. When is your birthday? July 28th. What was the best part of today? It’s only 430 in the morning. Do you attempt to stay away from drama? Involving me yes, but I like celebrity gossip and drama. What liquid did you last drink? Starbucks Doubleshot energy drink. Do you ever prefer to be alone? Yeah, I need to have some alone time. Have you ever had a deadly animal as a pet? No. Favorite Disney movie? Alice in Wonderland, Winnie the Pooh, A Goofy Movie, and Toy Story. Have you ever been to the beach? Countless times. I love the beach.  If you have, how many times have you been? ^^^^ What was your dream occupation at age ten? I wanted to be a teacher back then. Are you terrified at the idea of weight-gain? No. I’m underweight and need to gain some weight. Do you drink a lot of water? I only get like 2-3 glasses a day. :X Does your room have carpet or hard-wood floors? Carpet. Do you take naps daily? No.

Who were you named after? No one in particular. Do you plan on traveling this spring or summer? No, we’re still going to be dealing with all this. :/ Do you know anyone who is colorblind? Nope. Have you ever been a teacher’s pet? I guess so. I was always the good kid, the “pleasure to have in class.” Teachers loved me. What is your absolute favorite hobby? Reading, surveys, coloring.  Ever been to a tanning bed before? No. I have no interest in that. Are you satisfied with your financial stability? I have enough to pay my bills and a little extra for other stuff, so I’m grateful for that. Who is your favorite actor / actress? Alexander Skarsgard. Are your nails painted? Nope. Do you ever accidentally talk to inanimate objects? Not accidentally, but I talk to inanimate objects when they don’t cooperate. More like talk shit, but haha. What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream? Strawberry. Have you ever kissed someone of the same gender? No. Do you receive any hate mail? No. Have you ever sent a letter in the mail? Yeah. If you could, would you have a pen pal? I did in 3rd grade. It was fun. We even got to meet them toward the end of the year during a field trip. I wouldn’t want one now, though. What color are the pants you’re wearing? I’m wearing black leggings.  What is your life philosophy? Hmm. Who last sent you a goodnight text message? No one does. Do you own any clothes that are your favorite color? Yeah. One of my favorite colors is black and most of my clothes are black. I have a few items that are my other favorite colors as well. Have you ever been in a hot tub before? Once for a short time. I didn’t like it. What’s your favorite comedy movie? I have several, but the one that came to mind first was Bridesmaids.  In which year were you born? 1989.

[midnightbedroom]

Plus

As this year comes to an end, I just want to give this time to actually reflect on what has happened this past decade.

It’s been simply phenomenal.

I’ve received, lost, and gained so much from the accumulation of experiences I’ve gone through. I don’t regret any of the things I’ve done because I know that it’s gotten me to this point of my life where I’m so content and happy with everything around me. I feel like all the stars and planets were planned to be aligned the way they were as I continued to grow throughout my life.

Let’s start off with school and my social life.

Well, the four schools I’ve attended throughout these ten years. In the beginning of this decade, I was in the Philippines, enjoying the presence of my aunt, uncle, grandma, and my cousins. I feel like I’ve received so much love and influence from them, and it’s crazy to think that they started my life right. I’ve gained so many friends who have taught me things I never would learn from anyone else. This was the start of how I actually perceived real friendships. Friendships that were so precious and just absolutely incredible. I started to see how friends should treat friends. All because of school and it’s given opportunities of growth. From this growth, I’ve met so much people who’s given me this potential to expand and become more than what I can see myself achieving. I actually got into reading, writing, and music writing. I never actually seen myself more than a regular school girl until I met so many artistic people that influenced me to become more. School had its ups and downs, but nevertheless, I enjoyed myself through the journey, especially the journey to finish high school. 

As I switched schools, I knew that I couldn’t really keep deep connections, so I learned how to become less attached. But as time moved on, I said “fuck it,” then continued to trust the process. As I went into middle school here into the states, I felt so lost and just straight up unwanted. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted to do. But everything changed when I met Jasmine. She became my beacon into this dark world. She introduced me to embrace all the shit life throws at me, and she taught me to be strong. I appreciate her for choosing the right cards in the second day of math. If she and I never chose the right cards, I would’ve never met someone who is as passionate and trustworthy as her. 

Throughout high school, I’ve lost so much friends that I used to associate myself with in middle school. I feel like it was a weight lifted off my shoulder with a bit of residue left to torture me of “what could’ve been.” Regardless, I’ve learned to accept that some plans don’t tend to actually work out in the end. Even if I’ve lost these friends, I gained about 20 sisters. I joined Unarmed Fancy Drill Team, which was far most the best last minute decision I’ve ever made in my entire life. I never really planned on joining the team until it was my last decision. Throughout my time in the team, I’ve learned through sisterhood and trust. I’ve learned that there’s actual people, who aren’t in the same grade as you, who are willing to do the same fuck shit you do. It’s fucking amazing.

Now as high school is about to end, I’m still in JROTC and found myself to become the sergeant of the team, leading me to become the commander, then becoming one of the most important officers in the unit and the district. It’s crazy how four years can do to you. Regardless of all the stress it gave me, it’s turned me into a resilient leader who’s willing to do anything to let the program succeed. 

Switching to family.

I feel like there’s been so much change lately. Lately meaning ten years. I feel like these ten years has given me a chance to actually explore and know the true meaning of family. Although I wasn’t raised by biological parents, I knew that they still loved me in the back of my head when I met them the first time when I turned 7. It’s crazy how time can either make or break a relationship. 

I just feel so bad because I can’t be as close as I am to my parents as my friends are to their parents. I see them having inside jokes and just being completely open with each other, and it warms my heart but it left this scar that can never heal.

But as the time progress as I lived here in the states, I learned how to associate myself with my biological family. I got really close with JC as he taught me all the life lessons as I put them to use in my life here. I got close to Luke as he proceeds to teach me how to literally give no more than two shits about a certain situation or person who gives me nothing but negative energy. I am so grateful to live with two brothers who are here to look out for me whenever.

Moving onto love life.

Yikes.

Let’s just say, I had my fair amount of relationships. Some that benefitted my life and some that just completely crashed and burned my entire perception of love. As an elementary student, you shouldn’t even think of having a relationship with someone at all. PERIODT. Yet, I was one of those dumbasses who thought it WAS a necessity. Let’s call them out actually. So it started with Royce and Jose. Big yikes. Royce and Jose were the bestest of friends, and I guess I somewhat affected it? I don’t know. At least one of them made me feel that way. Royce was a love at first sight type. He and I were put into a group as we went through the haunted house together, and I guess I felt a connection? I don’t know to be honest. I feel dumber as I continue talking about this. Jose was actually one of my first few crushes in 3rd grade. He was attractive, and that’s about it. So my dumbass decided to end it with Royce because Jose finally paid attention to me. Damn, I’m stupid.

Anyways, middle school, another big Y I K E S. Guess who was attracted to boys who drunk, smoked, and was addicted to drugs? THIS GIRL. My first boyfriend was an addict. But, I don’t necessarily consider him as my first boyfriend considering that we only dated for two weeks. It was a one time spark feeling. I was a good girl and he was a bad boy, and that just didn’t work out. Then AH FUCK. Mans, Marcus. He was something. This is what I actually consider one of my FIRST actual relationships considering that we lasted for more than a year with a shitload of problems and breaks. He and I went through actual shit. Like ACTUAL shit. He introduced me to all the sexual shit, which we eventually got caught for. Imagine getting caught sucking dick at school and getting suspended for it. Then having your parents come to school to you explaining everything you’ve done. Yup. That shit. I had my phone deprived from me for about 5 months. I lived in complete darkness with no social life outside of school, but I did have Jasmine and she’s a complete homie. I continued the relationship regardless of how much tears and shit I had to put up through. Mans cheated on me three times, yet I still let it slide.

Starting high school, I was still on and off with Marcus, until I met a bigger pool of boys I didn’t know existed. I had a thing for a Junior, a Sophomore, and a Freshmen in a midst of the first few months of Freshmen year. Damn, I sound like I hoe. I might’ve dated a couple, but all of that stopped until mf Kyle came into my life. Let’s say Kyle was another serious relationship. He and I lasted for a year and a couple weeks. Kyle and i had serious trust issues. We were that couple that would get jealous easily, which would lead to one of us telling the other to block them out of their life for the sole reason of mistrust. It got really bad and toxic. It lead to the point where he had to break up with me through the phone while I was in another country. Sound shitty, right? 

That took a whole lot out of me since Kyle and I talked for six months straight before actually dating. He was basically my routine that I had to stop abruptly. That experience helped me grow and learn how to love myself more. I was basically at my prime in the summer going to junior year. All because of that heartbreak.

Junior year, I was a hoe. Periodt. 

I got so fed up with boys in my year, I started associating myself with boys younger than me, and let me tell you, that’s a whole ass mistake. Mans wasn’t ready for a relationship headass. Michael was one of them, and it sucks like hell because they don’t relate to the same experiences you’ve had. I was willing to wait, but he wasn’t.

Then I started letting go and meeting new people outside of school. I began attending more high school conferences in UCSD and SDSU. As I’ve attended these conferences, I met Danian. He and I instantly clicked, which was crazy. He attended a foreign school I didn’t even know existed. It’s insane how I wasn’t even aware that BOYS existed outside of my school.

We had a good run of a relationship. He and I were mainly mature throughout the entire time. It was my first time going through a long-distance relationship, and I wasn’t scared regardless of all the shit my friends gave me for it. It was all well until I started getting more busy with all the shit I put myself into. I got a job that paid, I got an internship district wide, and I had ROTC to deal with. I basically had limited time, but I still pulled through and gave him all the attention that I could give, but I guess that wasn’t enough.

He and I ended it way better than any of my past relationships. I dropped off all his stuff and we talked about everything before I left. It was nice feeling all the weight drop from my shoulders. 

I started focusing back onto myself again.

I continued being social, attended more conferences and programs that helped me build more connections like the Key Club Fall Rally in Six Flags. And man, let me tell you, it was one of the best investments I could possibly put myself into. I met so many people, surrounded myself with so much positivity; it was an irreplaceable time. 

Why? Well, it’s because I met this certain man.

HIs name is Presley, and I’m kinda sorta talking to him right now. 

Fuck, words can’t describe how much he means to me. I could write a whole ass book about him with an abundance supply of words. Presley is different from all the guys I’ve been with. He’s my definition of perfect. And although, perfect doesn’t exist, in my world, he is. I just feel like I’ve actually met the one. The one I can trust, vibe, and spend my life with. I feel like he’s what I would give in my time and money on just to make this relationship work. And regardless of the distance that separates us and the money it takes to even see each other, I feel like that wouldn’t matter because he’s fucking worth it. 

All the sleepless nights, all the worries just fade away as I get home and talk to him. Although a screen is the burden of this connection, the screen is also the reason why I get to see him and talk to him with the little amount of time we have in our busy lives. He’s so passionate about his work, and it amazes me how I met someone around my age who’s set in stone for what they want to do in their life. In the past, I would always have to be the one who’s concerned for the other individual’s plans, but for Presley, I don’t think I need to worry about a single thing. His life long plans drives him to become someone who he wants to be, and that’s all that matters. This self-motivation is hella attractive, and being able to face the world knowing what you want is absolutely amazing. I don’t think I’ll ever meet someone who’s this thoughtful and caring as he is.

Mans literally spent his entire night talking to me rather than getting sleep before his 9 hour shift, and that says a lot. He’s willing to give in the time and dedication to actually make this relationship work. I am so fucking grateful for him to the bits of my bones. I can’t believe I met the one.

I never exaggerate, but when I say he’s the one, he’s  t h e  one. Imagine talking to a guy who literally understands and empathizes with all your problems. Imagine having someone who’s just there every time when you need them, especially when you’re having a breakdown. Like what the fuck. Mans is literally a god sent angel. And I’m so blessed to have him in my life. I would literally use all my time just to talk to him because for some fucking reason, we can’t run out of things to talk about. He’s not like Marcus who I have to hype up for every two seconds. He’s not like Kyle where I had to be worried of everything he does. He’s not like Danian where I would literally force his undivided attention out. He’s literally Presley. He’s one of a kind. I trust him with all my guts, and I don’t think that’ll ever change.

I love him.

And the world around me agrees.

And so, to wrap up this reflection, I just want to say thank you for all the experiences and people I’ve gone through and spent my last ten years with. Because of the events leading up to this point, I’ve met the love of my life.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

[mouwzer21-blog]

Let's talk about feelings...

I feel like our world as a whole competes for pity. Like who got abused the most as a child, who got the least presents on Christmas, who was forced into eternal abstinence, etc, etc. But really, who would want that trophy, “Congratulations you’re the most pitiful person in the world!” Oh, yay, I’m gonna go put this in my closet. Now, I wasn’t abused or ignored, I’m the youngest of three sisters, and I have two loving parents. It’s just my parents work a lot, and my sisters are 11 and 9 years older than me, so they were always out with their friends. But, I was bullied. 

    Up until 4th grade I was bullied every day I went to school. Nobody noticed because I was a selective mute. I never spoke about school, ever. I hardly spoke at all. I was under this amnesia spell, that whenever something bad happened, I forgot about it. That’s why I’m so forgetful, my brain only remembers the things that don’t relate to anything bad. It’s a habit I’m in the process of breaking. But there are many more that I acquired over those 5 or so years of my life. nail-biting, fidgeting, not being able to sit still, flinching when really I don’t need to. I think people are starting to notice that last one. My friends often times when their hands come near my face for whatever reason, to fix my hair, or my glasses, I flinch. It’s not like I’m afraid they are going to hit me, it’s just my body is so used to dealing with it. 

    I went to an elementary called Parkside from pre-k to 3rd grade. And there, my only friend was math homework and the school nurse. The only way I wasn’t being bullied was if I helped someone with their homework, or I was at the nurse. I absolutely refused to do other people's homework. I just wouldn’t do it, but I did share with them tricks and tips that I’d figured out myself. Most considered me the best at math there. That did a lot to my ego, but so did the constant name-calling and excluding. Nobody wanted to be near me.

    My nickname back in elementary school was ‘bear’. Now, I have nothing against any form of bear. Really I think bears are magnificent. But, being called a bear, hit hard. Because it’s what I was, hot-headed, short, wide, and quiet. I wasn’t the most healthiest person, and my growth was partially stunted because I was sad. I don’t know if that’s real, but, after 4th grade I grew an entire foot. The one and only thing I had going for me was that I was smart. And that didn’t get you anywhere when you went to a school of rich people. Especially when neither of your parents really did anything great with their life, they just worked at Walmart and gave you the best life they could give.

    Then something happened. My cousin, Rodney, and his son, Hunter, got into a huge argument and the rest of the family is still unsure of what happened. But we ended up going through CPS, child protective services. It was crazy. I was actually considered being put through foster care. And it was just because of where I lived, in a beat up house built in 1890. Other factors contributed to this, my dad smoked inside and the house wasn’t exactly clean. And just for that people that didn’t know me, that didn’t know my life, took what I knew from me in just an instance. My life changed at the very moment I got my own CPS agent.

    My sister, Becca, who was 17 at the time, would be out of that situation in a year, with scholarships from CPS that nobody thought she would ever get. She went to college. She’s going to college, this is her last year in law school. I couldn’t be even more happier for her, she’s engaged to a 30 year old hippie with a goatee and a 4-year-old-daughter. I’m so proud that she found something in life to boost her up there, she’s a beautiful human and she deserves only the best, and if this is what she thinks is best for her, I’m happy. 

    My other sister, Alysha, isn’t and hasn’t exactly been the best role model. I don’t know the whole story because hey I’ve had traumatic amnesia since then, but the earliest memory I have of my sister, is watching her leave when I was five. I don’t know if I cried. I just remember that when I went back inside there was a bunch of sticky burrs on my feet, the really sharp ones that really hurt to take out. And that is a total and complete analogy of me and my sisters relationship. I wanna walk around barefooted but I know  it’s gonna come back and hurt. 

    My life has been a series of ups and downs. And CPS really only added to a huge down. Lucky for me, my grandparents become foster parents for my sister and I. They fed us, clothed us, and took us to school But, for me, my entire style was taken over by someone who looks like an old nurse, because that’s what my grandmother is. I wore collared single colored shirts, khaki shorts and tacky sneakers. My hair was in a pixie cut. And btw, I look really good with pixies. But I’ll never get one again because it’s a reminder of how little freewill I had. I hate formal wear because of that, I always had to look like that, a prim and perfect child of God. 

    Not to bash on anybody who believes in the church, but, I never got with the program, I’m an atheist, deal with it. But, my entire family is Christian. And I have no idea how my grandparents find time and will to be Christian in their lives because it seems so straining. It seems so life-sucking. I believe that people have the right to believe in what makes them lifted. And having the weight of “he’s watching you” lifted off of my shoulders is what I wanted. My dad doesn’t believe in the church, but he’s Christian. He says the ways of the church have corrupted minds over decades. He believes everyone is equal, and he accepts me for being pan.

    The world needs more people like dear father o’ mine. Ones that don’t care who you are, and just want the brightest things to happen to you. They want you to go places and have fun. But they also want you to succeed in life and they don’t care for your race, gender, religion, or sexuality. They, are the best kind of people. I’d like to say I’m one of those people, maybe I am in some way. It’s just people that think they are better than others and flaunt it get on my nerves. 

    Admittedly I’m the kind of person that sees how a person behaves, and doesn’t care what they may be going through. The reason for that is that I’ve been through stuff and I’m decently nice. So why can’t they?

Moral of the story, people have a different way to deal with things. Some become aggressive, others become quiet. I dealt with mine by forgetting. But, I don’t think I’ve forgiven. There is a lot of built up and pent in anger and angst that I may never get out. I may die before I finally admit to someone’s face that I need help. I may die before I admit what’s going through my head, all of the hate and love and feelings. 

It’s not my fault I don’t understand these things. I’m 14, I’m alone, and I won’t admit it. I refuse to admit weakness. Because I’m not weak, not anymore. I have friends, I’m growing a better bond with my sisters. I’m opening up. People may have thought I’d already bloomed into a flower, but now I’m growing into a tree. I’m strong and nobody will cut me down again. I won’t let them. I won’t let someone bring me down to what I used to be. Because I HATE who I used to be. I don’t ever want to be that person again. That person is dead. That flower died and spread its seeds in a way nobody expected. I’m going to grow stronger and bypass all predictions made by everybody on this world. I’m going to be great.

You can be great too. In your own way you can leave behind those scars that were left in your mind and body. They are irrelevant. Scars can be hidden. But you need to find something where those scars don’t have to be hidden. Where scars make you great. You can find that anywhere. And, it’s ok to let it all out. It can explode, seep, or just come falling out, if you find the right place for yourself, you will feel safe when it all comes crashing down. Don’t compete for pity, relate with pity. So… let’s talk about feelings.

[thereindeerlady]

This!!!

Please. Im begging you.

If my future children are ever like me in any way, i beg that we change this. I dont want them to grow up like me. I dont care how they look or how much they weigh as long as they are happy. I want them to be able to love and accept themselves for who thwy are. I want them to see fat people in normal roles. Fat cheerleaders who are beautiful and athletic and in shape (they exist, i went to middle school and high school with one. Shes one of my heroes). Pretty, popular girls who are smart and pageant queens and the talk of the town but chubby and and sweet and whatever else. Also, black girls who are fat, white girls, indian-american, Asian. Make it normal. Fat doesnt mean ugly. I find it hard to love myself when i have no reference to go off of. How do i love myself despite my fatness when my mom cant love herself despite her own? Same thing with one of my sisters. Dumplin' had the potential for a good start but the characterization ended up being kinda trash. Because she was so bitter and toxic to her friends. Also!!! A quote from Deadpool 2 I think about every day. "Whens the last time you heard of a fat superhero?" Give us princesses, superheroes, popular girls, geeky gamer girls, female atheletes, female body builders!!!, homecoming queens, pageant girls, swimmers. Make them fat. Make them average or normal or anything. And then never talk about them being fat. Dont make it a miracle that they're beautiful or athletic or popular because theyre fat. Or a girl. Let them be normal people.

Im a fat girl. Have been for a long time, didnt become conscious of it til about 4th grade. I was 9 years old when i first started disliking myself. Thats over half of my life of me not liking who i am. Or what i look like. But i still played softball for 11 years, i still swam competitively for 4 or 5, played basketball for about 8 to 10, played soccor for about 5 or 6, marched all four year of high school holding a 12 pound hunk of metal, moving as fast as the drum major's hands demanded me too as far across the field as the form required. I put in hundreds of hours in the hot southern sun running the same sets over and over and over again while my lungs screamed and my instrument fought for that balance of good tone, good volume, and good air support. Then i rode countless hours on a bus just to do it all over again. I learned to dance and spin flag for winterguard. I threw my body across the ground and left it on display while i danced in front of crowds. A body i hated. I've learned at least 6 different instruments and I'm working on another. I waitress and try not to focus so hard on how i walk and how dumb my stomach looks in my apron. I wear scrubs as a school uniform for cosmetology and pray i don't look as dumb as I think. When i was younger, i lead my Math Masters and my Mathelete teams to victory for elementary and middle school. I helped lead my middle school Battle of the Books team to placing (even if it was only 3rd) for the first time since my sisters had done that about 8 to 10 years prior (same school, same librarian). I lead my high school Battle of the Books team to be the first ever champions in our area in our state. I got to be a part of the launch of a whole new league of competitive readers in high school. I found myself in many leadership positions, in many secretary type positions for classes and clubs. I was friends with nerds and outcasts and quiet kids and even the homecoming queen (literally). Half the popular kids were in chorus and another several were in theatre. Another section of them populated my AP and Honors classes. I also went outside of my comfort zone and lived one of my dreams: i participated in my high school pageant as a senior. I didnt win by any means but I was voted Miss Congeniality by the other girls. I think it was almost unanimous. Im talking girls who are best friends and cousins and popular and pretty and kind and they all voted me. Not out of pity because they arent that kind. But because that was their genuine opinion of me.

So you know what. I dont need every fat girl to win the awards. She doesnt have to be the beauty queen every time. She doesnt have to be the star player. I want her to be like me sometimes. The one who wins Miss Congeniality, not from pity but because she deserves it. The one who wins MVP for softball not because shes coach's favorite but because shes the hardest worker and the most versatile on the team. The one who's given the responsibility and leadership in band not necause the band director likes her the best but because she worked hard for it and proved she could handle it. Fat girls are not lazy. They are not worthless or mean or bad people. They can be behind the scenes heroes and some of the hardest working people you'll ever know.

This all applies to the boys and enbies too. Fat people are just people and it would be nice if Hollywood would stop taking the few representatives of that in media and bullying them into losing an ungodly and unhealthy amount of weight.

So

Sorry. Rant over.

cast fat people in normal roles that do not revolve around being fat/ridiculed, I dare you

[katie-----luv]

ANSWERING QUESTIONS FROM THORAYA MARONESY

Can you describe someone you love?

He’s tall. He’s so dumb sometimes. Very very handsome. He makes my heart beat so hard that i feel like i’ll throw up if i stay around him. Even if I'm just thinking about him or have something of his, i feel absolutely crazy about him. I can't tell anyone who it is, but i want the whole freaking world to know how much i love this person because of how amazing he is. He wears his heart on his sleeve and gives up so much to make others comfortable and happy. He matches his clothes well haha and when he smiles, he makes me wanna stare forever. I could literally look at him all day. He asks me things that no one else cares about and he makes me feel so welcome. Even though I literally cannot be with him for so many reasons, he will always be the one that i will love more than anyone in the entire universe and i hate it but it is reassuring that I can love someone so much. He’ll never leave too. And the best thing about him is he gives the most amazing hugs. Long, amazing hugs. Middle of the night or 4 am, he always wants a hug from me. And no matter why or what happened, i will always want a hug from him. Because he just makes me feel everything. I love him so much that even if it's indescribable, i still try because it's worth it for him. Even if these words barely light the candles on the cake. 

What's the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?

I think my sister. We’re sisters, ya know, we hate each other one second, but the next, she is as amazing as she was before. I think she is the most beautiful because of how she deals with life. She always questions, she gets deep. She isn’t simple-minded at all, very talented in art. She is the smartest person I've ever known personally. And I love how free she is. In a sense where she doesn't want to be like everyone else. She deals with her own crap like everyone else but at the end of the day, she is still getting back up and laughing. And she is so weird too haha. She likes things like care bears and wants to move to a billion different places and do a billion different careers and marry an Australian man. Her goals and personality just crack me up.

Can you define love?

Love doesn't really have a definition in my opinion. If you really love someone, you’re left speechless, you don't have the words to define what you feel because of how overpowering it is.

Can you define hate?

Hate is a major pain that is..like it feels like someone put a blanket on your heart and took swings at it until whatever or whoever you hate walked away. It's a pain that makes you feel more angry at one thing than anything else i guess.

What's your biggest regret?

I have plenty but I guess the one that sums them all up would be ever lying. Lying is what gave me more regrets. If not lying then maybe falling in love. No one really thinks i have ever been in love but i was in love with someone and they were in love with a made up version of me pretty much. I miss them everyday and i lost them bc i lied. So yeah, goes with lying but i hate that i ever fell in love with them whether it was real them or just a lie too.

Kindest act?

When i was in 3rd or 4th grade, I had a bunch of money saved up, close to $200 from birthday money and other holiday money. I spent some. I didn't know what to do with the rest, so I gave it to my school counselor to give to the leukemia charity that they were funding for the month. When they announced on the announcement that i was the biggest donator, they got my name wrong and called me Kayle instead, but I didn't care because I knew I did something good. It was $97.

Wildest dream?

I’ve had some crazy ones so it's hard to choose or remember all of one.

Biggest fear?

I used to think it was being murdered or kidnapped or maybe even spiders. Now i know that it's of being hurt. I've been hurt by lots of people before and ive cried so many times alone but didn't wanna tell anyone and pushed it down. It ended up making me do some things that i shouldn't have because I didn't wanna think about being hurt and i feel like if i have to keep pushing things down, ill continue to be afraid to speak out and be sad for a long time again.

Best and worst quality?

That's kinda hard because i have a lot of both. I guess I'll just pick at random though because i can't chose. I have a quality that can be good and bad at the same time. It's that I'm forgiving, i don't know when to give up on people. It's good because I can give people chances which makes a good friendship bc i dont just drop them. But it's bad because sometimes i give the wrong people too many chances and get hurt over and over. But when i try to figure out when to let go and give up, i do it at the wrong time and make more issues. So it's complicated.

When have you felt the most alive?

If I'm choosing a whole time period, up until 4rd grade. A moment in the times I remember, when I dropped someone holding me back. I say up until 4rd grade because all times before then, I didn't care what people thought. I was never hurt like i have been since. I was a happy kid who played with littlest pet shop and had a billion besties. And i say when i dropped someone holding me back i mean that i was hung up on someone I thought loved me unconditionally and I loved them so much. He ended up not caring about me anymore which was understandable. But later on when I finally told him to go away because all he did was make me hurt, I stopped talking to him, and I was so so so SO free.

What's the best advice you’ve been given? 

You have to love people for who they are. My mom told me this. I don't like judging people or making people hurt or uncomfortable. But sometimes people have qualities that I just can't stand but they are some of my closest friends. So when my mom told me this, I felt like if i can't love them past these qualities, maybe i need to realize whether or not i love them really, because I can't change them to fit my needs or wants.

What's been your biggest obstacle?

Trying to get passed drama whether it was created by me for myself or drama with everyone. I made mistakes, I'm human, but it's been tough trying to learn from them. Now, I'm starting to see where I went wrong and moving past it to grow. 

Most embarrassing story?

I have a lot and I physically can't make myself type any bc they're so bad.

Your perfect life partner?

Someone who doesn't care when I'm being a bum. Someone who loves me and respects me. I'm not big on too much PDA. every once in a while, i'll kiss or hold someone's hand but usually, i feel embarrassed for whatever reason. So id like them to remember that and ask or hint first. I dunno.

What does beauty mean to you? 

Beauty means personality and looks to me. It doesn't mean hot or pretty. To me, beauty is how you describe someone that's indescribable.

Favorite memory?

Well i have a lot of memories that make me smile so much. But the one that I can think of off the top of my head is probably when I went up to Ohio where my cousins live around x-mas. The year before, my little cousin Silas passed away on New Years eve. We all went to this thing where they sang xmas music, had santa, and lit up some building. Me and all my cousins had our arms around each other and we were all singing together. It felt good that even though only a year before, we lost someone so young, we could all still smile and stay strong, together.

A moment that moved you?

I was at bob evans once with my mom and sister and a random old man paid for our meal and came to us saying he just wanted too. I never forgot that old man and that happened back when I was maybe 5 or 6 and i'm way now.

What would the title of your movie be?

hm...Self-inflicted because i self inflict too many issues for myself.

How have you changed?

I’ve learned so many lessons that I needed to learn.

What do you wish you said?

I wish i apologized about so much. I also wish I told my parents why I made so many mistakes. If i had done both of those things then I wouldn't have so many regrets because I would have had less drama and maybe some support or help.

Your last words?

I'm sorry i pushed it all down.

One thing you would change about yourself?

Maybe some of the things that go through my head. I can be really rude or sound super depressed. I would change how I handle that in my head.

Biggest pet peeve?

Matching and lint/hair on clothes. If you don't match or are covered in lint/hair, it makes me feel so anxious.

What's your purpose?

I think I may actually be too young to answer, but i'll tell you when i know.

Your one simple rule?

I think I have too many to answer that.

What are you looking forward to next?

Moving away. I have so many bad relationships with friends and ive lived in the same place for my entire life. I feel like i live in a box and i need to experience other places. I want to grow in life but is hard when i'm in the same place everything has happened. So moving will help me grow a lot.

What are you most proud of?

My academic achievements. I still suck at math but I'm hoping that I can fix that and maybe I'll really have all honors classes. As of now, I have almost all honors, just missing math.

What do you miss most in life?

Feeling happy for more than a short period of time. I'm not as sad as i used to be. But back when i was always depressed, i was the definition of pushing it all away around my family. I never told my parents and still haven't told them how sad I really always felt, only the jist, because of school and life. And now, i have better things that make me happy but at the end of the day, I always feel worthless and drained.

How would you like to be treated?

I would like to be treated like i'm as equal as everyone else. My close friends know that I haven't been in a good place for a while, i went through family drama because of me for a while and i'm starting to finally fix my mistakes but it's tough because they all treat me like i can't be told about their problems since it might make me worse i guess. And I think that's also why they treat me like the ‘leader’. Out of pity. It's been that way my whole life. Even as a little kid. And i hate it. I just wanted to be treated like i'm a friend not like what i need matters more than anyone else's needs because i have ‘issues’.

What do you want to let go of?

Everything that's been put in the past. I know it's been put there for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. I want to let go of the mistakes I made in the past because I opened my eyes and saw that that's what they are, mistakes. And even if it happened yesterday, i wanna let go, because it's time to move on if it's not happening.

What does the world need?

A big slap of sense. So many are oblivious to the issues we cause to the world and what issues are just happening to the world. While some things are serious, there are bigger problems than what celebrity slept with someone last night. Things such as suicicide and global warming are real and everyones too busy worrying about chris hemsworth’s abs and so and so’s herpes. I'm guilty of it too, but more and more I realize that there's serious things happening and no one is doing much. 

What makes you happy?

There's a few things but for some reason, my cousins makes me unbelievably happy. When I'm around them, they're not my cousins. They are the best best friends I could ever ask for. I have never loved anyone more than I love all of them. When i hear i get to see them, I'm on it! I hope for the words ‘we’re going to ohio’ every second. I absolutely love them to death, even the ones who are slower than turtles. If they were my siblings, I would want to be home daily with all of them. I cant even explain how much my heart screams to be around all of them and i have no idea why. They're all so amazing. And so are their parents and grandparents and all of them. When my family is with them, i see how much fun they have and it makes me even happier because my parents don't hangout with too many friends or close family. But with them, they talk and laugh as much as I do and I love seeing them so happy.

Have you ever had your heart broken?

OH YEAH! By friends, crushes, family. I guess if I chose one from each category, friends would be when one of my closest friends told my whole school that i had leukemia and i was getting treated. So many kids asked if I was okay and I was all, ‘what?’ when I found out, I confronted her and she lied about it. And when i didn't accept her apology, I did say some uncalled for things, but she made me feel like she could just throw away friendships left and right and she didn't care what happened. But when she lost all her friends, she cared, and she put us all on a bully form because we decided we didn't need a friend who would do something like that. And it was hard watching it happen because we’d been friends our whole life. For crushes, when I was in 5th grade, I was finally in class again with a life long crush. But he played me a bunch of times and bullied me along with his friends. That stuck with me, everything they said and did, but i only cried about it alone because I didn't think it was that serious that they bullied me. Now i see it was. For family..i think when my little cousin silas passed, I realized how serious death was because I was in 6th grade at the time, I understood it all completely. It broke me big time because id met him once and he was a sweet kid. While it brought our entire family together because of his funeral, I bawled the whole time because i felt like i could've done more to interact with him even though I never had the actual chance really. 

The hardest question I've asked?

Thats hard to answer. I think when I had to ask myself if I thought being alive was worth it. I never thought i'd be the person to have to ask myself so when i did, it hit me hard and I had to take it seriously. 

What's beautiful about you?

I think it's that i always want change and am almost always willing to change. Yeah, i'm a person so sometimes I don't want to change anything. But to me, change is so good and the fact that I'm always growing because I'm constantly needing change is beautiful because it makes me mature rather than be naive forever.

How did you find out Santa isn't real?

Oh haha. My sister. We had an elf on the shelf and her and I touched it to test if it would move still. It did. So i question if Santa was real because the elf wasn't. And i would hear people moving all the time when i went to bed x-mas eve. Yeah, i took it easily. But in the back of my head, i was always kinda salty that my sister ruined the fantasy for me. But better now than never.

How do you get through hard times?

I cry. I don't like talking about problems, I feel embarrassed and alone when I have them. So I write and I cry. Which is probably one of the worst ways to deal with it all, but music also helps and I think plenty use music to get through things.

When did you realize you weren't like everyone else?

When i realized how sad i always was. And maybe when i saw how i wasnt a super skinny kid. I'm not fat. But i'm not a stick like all these girls. And i noticed that. But yeah, when i started to feel more and more sad as I got older. And I saw how not too many others were like that.

Worst decision?

Lying because it only made life worse.

1 strange fact about me?

I have a weird birthmark where my leg starts to lead up to my underwear line on the left side. I hate wearing swimsuits like underwear because of it. It's dumb.

Most complicated question ive asked?

I honestly don't know about that one.

What do you look for in a man?

I look for a deeper part of them. I look for things like the nerdy vibes. I like nerdy or depressed guys. I don't like depressed dudes because they're depressed but because they’re the ones with the deep, interesting thoughts. And nerdy because i think dorky guys are adorable. But either way, I like when they listen and their understanding and sweet. I like when they talk a lot, but not more than me. When they make dumb jokes and do more than play video games, i like that. And when they have fashion sense. And shower.

What are you scared to share with people?

Probably what my mistakes actually are.

Earliest memory?

I have a few that I remember being super young but i don't know which one was the first one but one that I like a lot is when I was really young my mom would throw my sister and i big birthday parties and I had a close friend named Gavin Bush. he and I were close because his sister Emma was besties with my sister. But i remember at my birthday party, we were eating rice krispies together and laughing. He had a huge crush on me for the longest time and I always feel bad that I didn't notice much. But i mean, laughing with him was one of my favorite things to do back then. 

Most painful thing you've ever been told?

That i lost all trust. I lied too much and my parents told me that i lost any trust they had in me. But i try everyday to build it back up.

Kindest thing you’ve been told?

That i keep people happy, even when I'm going throw something myself. My friends have told me that even when they're mad or upset, I still make them laugh and while it pisses them off, they love that about me.

What are you ashamed of?

My body. I love some things about it and hate others. I hate my thighs and stretch marks but i remember that someone out there could care less and only cares for my mind and i feel better.

Worst thing you've done to please someone?

Lied about my whole life pretty much. Or said someone said one thing when they said the opposite to protect their feelings.

[fairy-islearchive]

Louts, lily, freesia, night owl!

Lotus - Best memory as a child?

Uhhh, I’m not even sure. Maybe when I was in 3rd grade, after the move, I took ESL sessions that lead to my interest in books. Not sure which book it was, but it was part of the Mrs. Piggle Wiggle series.

Lily -  What’s something you love watching/reading but you are too embarrassed to admit you do?

Not anymore, but when I was around 8 or 9, I still watched Playhouse Disney/Disney Jr. When I was around 7, I would wake up early on Saturday to watch “boy/weird shows” like Ed, Edd n Eddy, Ben 10 and The Grimm Adventures of Billy and Mandy. 

Up until I turned 16, I still looked through books at the children’s section at Barnes and Noble, mostly for the American Girl books. I remembered that I also saw a copy of the same book of Greek mythology that I read all though in 5th grade, and I skimmed through a lovely book of Beatrix Potter’s poems/nursery rhymes. My favorite one is the called “A Mouse’s Find” ;3;

Freesia - Do you have a good relationship with your parents and siblings? why/why not?

I’m good with my mom and my siblings, (my brother still acts like a teen even though he’s 24) but my dad, uh, has……issues handling conversations without blowing them up with yelling (probably from growing up with Iranian parents). He’s strict and still has a curfew for my siblings mostly, (even though they’re all adults and are allowed to make their own decisions). He tries to love us and spoil us because I think he didn’t have that when he was growing up.

This might stem from childhood where whenever he’d come home, he’d want me or my siblings to practice the violin, but every time dad comes home, if I’m doing something downstairs and see him pulling up, I try to quickly but calmly go upstairs. I’m the only one who does this, so whatever damage that occurred might be deeper than I expected. Another thing I’m not fond of is that whenever he’d clear his throat, I’d mentally prepare myself for his questions about my grades, the piano, or the violin. (God, I can remember when he’d have me practice a piano piece or have me do math exercises up til midnight or 1 AM). Don’t even get me started with the stress of my dad raising his voice whenever he’d be in the passenger while I’m driving on the highway for practice…..

Night owl - How many countries have you visited?

In total, two: Canada and Mexico. Just last December, I was in Mexico with one of my sisters to visit family and help take care of abuela. After we left, we got news that abuela now has those chairs that move up and down the staircase, so she’s no longer confined to her bed! We now have two….cousins first removed I think? Idk. Their names are Mateo and Regina and they’re so cute!! So chubby!!! So squishy!!!

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

I wonder was he like that at home or if someone taught him it was ok to talk to other women like that. He even talked crap about his sister once on the bus, but I thought she wayyyy prettier than me to get picked on.

But she handled him. She punched him or threatened to punch him if he did it again.

I was shocked at how protective he was of her too but yet would talk about her being fat too.

She wasn't as big as me, just slightly chubby in my opinion. Darius made me feel like I was the biggest girl at school, when there was obviously bigger chicks than me. But I guess I stood out. He thought I was mixed too....but he was Filipino and black.

And I was just....well black....I didn't have curly hair like the actual mixed girls there. I never really knew my natural hair, never got the chance too cause mom always made me get a perm. Cause it looked presentable.

I didn't start taking charge for my own hair until I noticed my hair started to get shorter and shorter and I was actually moisturizing it and wrapping it up at night. It scared me that what no matter what I did, it kept getting trimmed short because I had dead ends and I always wanted my hair to grow down to my behind like Princess Jasmine. She was so pretty to me at the time. Her eyes, her face, and her long black hair was just swishing. Plus she could wear skinny clothes, unlike me.

This was how I used to think back as the sheltered, goody two shoes everyone thought I was, while Darius's only goal seemed to me was to make middle school miserable for me, just because a fat, lightskinned girl liked him, but she wasn't as prettier or talked like all the other black girls in school either.

Him and alot people said I just sounded white. Or "you talk white" as some people put it. I grew up in a catholic school, kindergarten to 2nd grade....of course imma sound like that in a mixed cultured school...we only had one or two girls who were actually full on black and talked hood.

I guess I grew up in the suburbs and stayed to myself alot. I didn't really get to go over to friends houses alot either. Just my cousins and that's it.

I was by myself but I had alot of cartoon characters, dolls and toys that I played with by myself. Even watched movies with my grandma and my dad sometimes if he wasn't too busy. We would play games on the playstation, he bought us a karaoke machine and we had fun.

He tried to teach me how to ride a bike, but I was just too scared of falling and worrying about cars and stuff. He told me just to pedal, and don't worry. But I fell so many times we just kept the training wheels. And I felt safe in my barbie helmet and knee pads.

I started dressing the Bratz dolls and stuff when my first friend that was girl actually stayed in the neighborhood with me and she didn't make me feel like a burden. Our moms and dads even got along with each other, and we just did whatever she wanted us to do..she had the whole Bratz collection, movies, dollhouses, toycars (which I lovedddd), the house was nice and we had sleepovers every Thursday..

.until she moved cause her dad was in the army. It was sad, because she was actually a funny, sweet, nice girl. Her mom drove a black Nissan Infiniti, I remember that distinctly because I never seen that many people with that car and she made sure we didn't touch her car while plating outside.

Jerica. J...I'll keep her last name private. I still remember. The only girl I ever knew in 4th grade (she went to a different school with uniforms) with a Verizon phone where her parents let her watch cartoons on there. She loved Blu and Cheese from House of Imaginary Friends. She seemed sad if I wasn't able to come over on such a short notice.

She did something weird to the Bratz dolls tho....

I noticed she took off their clothes and made me hold one while she popped them together, like humping it, as if she knew what sex was like or just wondered about it. She had her own bathroom too. I think she was used to being by herself, and only let me in because I was nice to her and did what she liked or wanted to. I really wasn't against us being friends, her parents got along with mine, so I was cool.

Her dad even invited them to a family barbecue for her birthday and mom helped me pick out a new Bratz doll for her to have. She liked Yasmin the most. I did too. Sasha was 2nd, cause she was black and Jade, because she had eyes like me. I didn't like how most people praised Chloe more. I didn't think that back then about why they even made Bratz 4 different demographics. It just clicked at my school, that was how it was for me....except there was no real Puerto Rican, Mexican, Filipino, Italian, or Haitian involved in doll making back then.

I just thought all of them looked cute. Mom always bought me Sasha, so I didn't complain. That sounds bad....dang ky, why you had to put Sasha 2nd or 3rd....

I just wanted to be different so I didn't feel weird about buying a doll that's not my color. My parents judged me on that type of stuff. Like especially when I got into kpop or Asian culture. I like learning about different cultures that feel new to me because I've never been there and I never lived it.

But anyway, Jerica ended up writing me a letter to see how was I....I never got the chance to write her back because I had lost the envelope she sent with her address. It's been along time and I doubt she would remember me after moving so many times.

I just remembered I also met another girl named Lyric that had to move to Cuba because of her dad in the military too. She the only other neighborhood girl I rode the 2nd bus home with. But we weren't close.

I don't think she wanted to hang out like that, so I never asked. This was around the time I noticed certain people would talk to me at school, but never did anything or ask to hang out with me outside of school. So I sorta kept us at Associate level (talk in passing, not personal or deep stuff about families)

Same with Darius. He wasn't even a friend to me. He only asked me about test grades and who could get the better score on a math test. Or just talked shit. I never opened up to people I can't trust. We used to talk about our interests or what movie, TV show,, or video game we saw or both liked. Music too. I Bluetoothed him some R&B songs to his phone since he heard me play MaryMary and Robin Thicke. He liked some gospel songs since his mom played them at the house. He just didn't like to dance, cause he would get shy and not know how to move or even basic two step. Me I loved to dance, until I noticed it wasn't ok for a big girl to move like that because she was fat. It hurt hearing that, so I stopped dancing too. Unless I was home alone with my mp3 or what felt like home alone in my room or in my head.

So yea, Darius, he never got to know me. But I think I did from overhearing him talk out loud, and sneaky shit people would say he said about me. I believed it because lets just be frank, he always had something to say about me. But I did not talk to him or confront him about because I didn't want to get in trouble at school for fighting.

So I would just sneak jabs in, kick him at the bus stop cause we weren't at school yet, and either chase him away for talking about my fat. He seemed like he liked me chasing him until he got bored and told me to stop if I went too far.

He only saved my ass once from getting in trouble about the school teacher catching us upstairs in the computer lab without permission, but he lied and told her anyway that the actual computer teacher did give him and us permission to finish the assignment she gave us upstairs. He lied a pretty darn good one off the top of his head, while I was just stressed and said "uhhhhh?" In blank stare mode. I didn't know what to say.

Whenever I get in trouble like that or just freeze, I freeze. My whole body shutdowns and depending on what is said I either cry or walk away, taking my punishment and just leave.

I think Darius probably lied to his parents before, so I thought he was just cool for that. He said I owed him one after that.

I just didn't get it when nobody else was around, he had my back, but everywhere else he was jerk, a fake.

It felt like he had cheated me, at such a young age, who rarely had crushes on boys and focused mainly on just school work, I kept my mouth shut around certain people....especially if I knew they had a big mouth...i didn't tell them anything unless I wanted it to be told to them.

And that's when somebody took the heart I drew of Darius (with muscles cause I always wanted him to look less bony) out of my hands and he showed it to him....cause he knew I didn't want him to see it.

Darius took it, looked at it for a little while as he paced back and forth, came back to where I sat criss crossed applesauced, and crumbled it up. And threw it to my face in front of the whole gym class.

It was embarrassing, but hey, he didn't like me, so he started to get upset if people assumed the reason why he made fun of me so much was because he liked me. That's when he took a break from it, once the rumors died down.

It was a big school and even said to somebody, I overheard him say "oh, she would be cuter if she just lost weight."

What a jerk. I hated him.

Then if he was nice to me, I like him.

It was too complex, my standard of emotions for another guy. Anxious attachment and fear of rejection and abandonment. My worst fear. To be laughed at by a whole group of people you didn't know, but they knew something about you, because of this little punk...I hated him for it.

He asked me what shoe size I was: 11

And everyone else laughed about him cause he was making fun of my big feet. They thought it wasn't normal for girls to have big shoes and big feet. Him and his ignorant ass friends were the type to make fun of a woman for wearing boy shoes and not girly shoes. Like girls should be girls and dress like girls. Boys should be boys who dressed like boys.

The girls there called me tomboy even if I was to wear a big shirt and shorts. Like obviously I'm hiding my boobs and "manly legs" was the most unique comment I ever heard that I hated.

Like yup, I guess I was made fun of for looking too strong and having muscular, big legs compared to the bony ass boys at school. I was never challenged to a fair fight, so I guess she must've been scared to find out.

[reflectingonesself]

Have You Been Reduced to a Single Story? 4/23/2021

In my family much is expected of women but the bar is also set very low for those expectations. See my maternal grandmother grew up very poor. She dropped out of the 8th grade to work in a textile factor as a seamstress because at the time helping to bring in money was more important than having a girl of all people go to school. Now my paternal great-grandmother who happens to be born the same year (1937) as my maternal grandmother; I know weird right? She dropped out of school in only the 3rd grade to become a seamstress to bring in money. She doesn’t even know any basic math and her reading and writing skills are rather poor. 

Due to the fact women in my family weren’t allowed an education it is frowned upon if you don’t finish high school and go to college. Despite being frowned upon, people often aren’t shocked when women in my family don’t finish their education because it “runs in the family” and “well ain’t they just like everyone else ‘round here.”

Frankly it pisses me off. Women shouldn’t be defined by their education. My maternal grandmother despite being slightly ignorant, is a hell of a woman. She is strong and independent. She isn’t afraid to tell you like it is, which can sometimes be a bad thing because she has no filter.

Why should we all have such high expectations but yet set the bar so low. Another thing that sadly falls upon the women in my family on both my mother and father’s side is drug addiction. My mom has seven siblings and if you can think of a drug whether illegal or not, one of them has probably, and is still doing it. Even their kids, my cousins, and their kids kids, my second and third cousins, have probably done it. So when a woman in my family is found to be an addict word spreads like wild fire. Suddenly everyone and their brother knows that you sold your tv to but heroin. They pity you, but its always the same kind of backhanded pity of “oh poor girl, ha well, runs in the family.”

Runs in the family. That is the story of the women of my family. Runs in the family, it is like the mistakes of our mothers and foremothers are expected to fall upon us like a disease. But it sure as hell isn’t my story, and shouldn’t be any of our stories, because my family is full of strong women. Our lives shouldn’t be set in stone as failures because that what everyone defines our legacy as. You can have limited education, or be battling addiction and still be an amazing person. Why should the mistakes we made define us all as a whole.

[artistlove17]

Funny story about something like this.

I'm an artist. I've been an artist since I could hold a pencil... literally. Ask my grandparents. I once finger painted a giant Christmas tree on my moms wall when I was 3-4 years old with some green and red crayola paint I found in my cousins room.

Anyway, when I was in elementary school I was in a "gifted" class for art kids! All we did was leave our last class of the day 30 minutes early and went into this smaller classroom with this teacher who gave us little tasks to do and help us become more knowledgeable about color theory and line variation and the works of a usual art class. She really focused on us building good art skills and I LOVED her class. After all, I was a "gifted " kid who got to leave class early to go color and draw! What kid wouldn't love that compared to sitting in a boring classroom taking notes?

But anyway, one day I moved schools. I think it was about 5th grade.

At my new school, they looked at my papers and read that I was "gifted" and had been placed in a "gifted" class before. So, they placed me in their "gifted" program.

Except... what they failed to realize was that I am artistically gifted, I. was. in. an. ARTISTICALLY. gifted. program. (Yes, I'm an honor roll student and always have been, I always made A's and B's). But their class was for straight A students with at least a 92 in every single class. Kids who were so smart they made me (who is actually slightly above average, and still have my report cards and test scores to prove that) feel DUMB. So I went to this class for maybe 3 days before the teacher realized something wasn't right. Initially she thought I was just nervous and needed to get used to the new environment and new school and new people... but when I really didn't pick up on stuff they were doing (mainly the math portions... I HATE math) she began to question what kind of "gifted" class I had been in before.

Me being the shy ass kid I was... I was too afraid to tell her myself that her and the office people had made a mistake. I wasn't supposed to be in her class... I was ARTISTICALLY gifted... NOT insanely smart in every class... though I do LOVE English and was always amazing at writing. I was pretty bad at math. I had to try really really hard to get a B in math. I hated it.

It became obvious to her on about the 3rd day that I was not supposed to be there and so she took me to talk to the principal. Which honestly freaked me out, I thought I was in trouble for not being smart enough... 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

But the principal asked me what kind of gifted class I had been taking (I had been in 2 artistically gifted programs since kindergarten) and I told him that it was like an art class and that all we did was draw and paint and things like that. I told him I had been really confused when I went to his gifted program and we started doing brain teasers and actual work... instead of art. 🤦‍♀️

This is the point that they realized their mistake. The teacher placed her palm to her forehead and shook her head and they both actually apologized to me for the mixup. Apparently my paperwork hadn't stated what type of "gifted" I was. So they assumed I was a prodigy smart child who belonged in their type of gifted program.

The principal called my mom so she wouldn't worry about me being kicked from the program and explained their confusion.

I do remember a kid tried to bully me at one point, saying I had been kicked for "being too dumb" (even though he had never been in a gifted class at all so... really who's the dumb one?) And my English teacher literally SHUT HIM DOWN and told him I was kicked because I was ARTISTICALLY gifted and they didn't offer an artistically gifted program. I think her taking up for me and shutting down that kids bullying is what started my passion for English Literature.

What y’all think ‘gifted child’ discourse is saying: I used to be special and now I’m not and that makes me sad.

What ‘gifted child’ discourse is ACTUALLY saying: The way many educational systems treat children who’ve been identified as ‘gifted’ is actively harmful in that it a. obliges kids to give up socialising with their same-age peers in favour of constantly courting the approval of adult ‘mentors’ who mostly don’t give a shit about them, b. demands that they tie their entire identity to a set of standards that’s not merely unsustainable, but intentionally so, because its unstated purpose is to weed out the ‘unworthy’ rather than to provide useful goals for self-improvement, and c. denies them opportunities to learn useful life skills in favour of training them up in an excruciatingly narrow academic skill-set that’s basically useless outside of an institutional career path that the vast majority of them will never be allowed to pursue.

[reesebird]

New Post has been published on https://reesebird.com/2019/02/13/im-debating-burning-bridges-with-blood-family-any-advice/

I’m debating burning bridges with blood family. Any advice?

So, this is a little hard to talk about but I’ll try. I grew up in a fairly “average” household. Mom, dad, 1 sibling, 1-2 dogs, for a total of 4 humans and a pet or two at any one time. Before the ‘08 recession, my mom was a stay-at-home mom, and my dad worked. Following the recession, my mom went back to work, and my dad went from working 40 hours a week to 90+ hours a week. Not the healthiest, but not exactly abusive or anything like that. I’m starting with this, because I want to establish a baseline – my family wasn’t a “classically abusive family” like some of my friends and peers.

When I was in elementary school, there were 3 things that stood out. First, I was bullied incessantly by everyone (save literally one student I became friends with, but have since fallen out of touch). This began with verbal bullying, then in middle school escalated to being beaten up on four separate occasions, and finally, being punched in the face right in front of the teacher, who refused to do anything. Second, I wasn’t ever challenged academically. After kindergarten (which I completed at the local public school), I stopped being really taught. I attended a private religious school whose standards were so garbage that aside from handwriting, I learned next to nothing in my 8 years in attendance. Most of the teachers were lazy, and they cared only about turning in the homework. You could have every answer wrong on every piece of homework, and every answer wrong on every test, but by virtue of having turned something in, you were considered a “good student”. Meanwhile, anyone who had a “reputation for being smart” would be berated and belittled by the teachers for being ahead of the lesson plan. I was even handed a failing grade on a science project because the teacher hated me. And my grades slowly suffered. Not being challenged like I would’ve been at a public school, I slowly gave up. I went from a straight-A+ student to a student barely making C’s between 3rd & 8th grade. Not because I didn’t get the material (though I definitely didn’t get Spanish, and I thought religion made no logical, scientific sense), but because the homework just bored me to tears. My mom would yell at me every report card I didn’t get an A+, too. My first B, I was grounded for a month. When I started getting C’s, she told me I was worthless. And, when I failed Spanish my last quarter in 8th grade, she threatened to disown me. The third thing that stood out was that in spite of all of this, I tried to keep learning. I read constantly. Between 6th and 8th grade, I kept a spreadsheet of all the books I read, and what genre they were, and in total, read just shy of 1,000 books between my first day of 6th grade and my last day of 8th grade. I tried out Khan Academy, and did independent research. I even learned how to use the library’s database on my own so I could read engineering journals for free. And, all in all, I still loved academia.

In high school though, things began really breaking. I’d wanted to attend this fairly prestigious public school that had an actual engineering program (that included shop time!). But, my mom, not wanting me to risk getting involved with drugs and alcohol and gangs and underage sex and shit like that, very intentionally didn’t wake me on the day for testing to go to that school (we had 1 alarm clock in the house at the time, which was my parents’). So I missed the test. And couldn’t go. So, desperate for a chance to not fuck everything up, I tested at one of the 2 most rigorous private schools in the area. I got in, and was immediately made aware that I’d not learned anywhere near enough in grade school. I didn’t know enough to pass algebra 1 in math, I only passed English because my teacher gave me extended deadlines for everything, and in Chinese, despite doing extremely well at first, the original teacher left (family emergency) and I failed because the new teacher made no sense to me. And I struggled. And failed. And my mom would berate and belittle me for it. Finally, I was told I had failed out my freshman year. I hated myself. Everything I was taught to value – what I was taught was my only value – had just been demonstrated to me to be nonexistent. And therefore, I had no value.

Nowhere to go, I stayed at home that summer. I was brought to a crackpot psychiatrist by my mom, and diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. He recommended heavy, regulated, and monitored medication, but my mom wouldn’t hear any of it. She finally caved when told about the weakest medication that had the most marginal chance of helping me, but made me figure it out on my own, and with no supervision. She made me enroll in online classes so that I wouldn’t “waste my life being worthless”. I can’t learn online – it’s too detached, with nothing tactile, and no accountability. And it sucked. My depression got worse, and my medication did nothing, and finally, after a massive argument with my mom, I attempted suicide. My mom got home, and found me right before I would’ve died. She called 911, and I was taken to the hospital. My dad rushed home when he heard what had happened. He brought me my childhood stuffed animal, and fresh clothing, and made sure I was given food the moment I was cleared to. He even slept on the floor of the hospital room so he’d be with me. My mom? She didn’t spend time with me. She went, and told everyone she knew about what had happened, even though I explicitly told her that I wanted privacy on the matter. She continuously violated my trust, and refused to own up to it.

Fast forward to the summer I turned 16. I was slowly recovering from depression (and, as had been discovered by the actual psychiatrists I saw in the hospital, PTSD). I’d just gotten out of a relationship where I’d been gaslighted (though at the time, I didn’t know the word for it), and was questioning my gender identity and sexual orientation. I went to the library every day I could, and spoke with the librarians there all the time. They became more family to me than the family I’d been born with. They provided me resources, and helped me understand what I was going through. And when I finally came out, they were the first ones I came out to. When I was 17, I was walking the dogs with my dad one day, when he asked me when I was going to get my driver’s license (I’d not been in a brick-and-mortar school since my freshman year of high school, and I never really did research into driver’s ed). I told him I wanted to wait. He asked me until when. I then, in probably the dumbest move possible, said “until I can transition and change my gender marker.” His reaction was about what was fair, given that I’d never mentioned gender identity in the past to my parents. However, 6 months later, when in a family therapy session, I told my parents I was trans and wanted to medically transition, my dad responded with “let me look into insurance first, please.” My mom? She nearly made me homeless, and were it not for my dad putting his foot down and demanding she treat me with the dignity of a human being, I think that was what she wanted to do.

Over the course of the next year, I was constantly arguing with my mom, who thought my being trans was me trying to “get back at her” for the argument we’d had when I was 15 that led to my suicide attempt. Finally, exhausted, I gave up. I couldn’t take her anymore. I took the GED, got my high school equivalency certificate, and enrolled in community college. I began taking classes right away, hoping that my natural love for learning would be enough. Unfortunately it wasn’t, and I struggled. I took remedials though, and I eventually learned everything I needed. I recently got everything in line to train as a Honda-certified dealership mechanic. This past year, I dipped into my personal savings and began paying for medical transition through my local Planned Parenthood clinic, and got a psych evaluation done that led to a definitive diagnosis of being on the autism spectrum (a psych eval my mom refused to pay for when I was in the hospital)

I’m now 4 months into transition, and have a stable job & classes to take. I have a small network of close friends, and a couple of people who are basically unofficial surrogate family for me. I’m dating a wonderful woman who I’m absolutely in love with. And, I finally have enough money together to move out and burn bridges. Which brings us back to that question. My mom, I have learned, uses gaslighting tactics, is manipulative, and, had I known at a time that I could report it to DCFS, *clearly* qualifies as emotionally and psychologically abusive. My dad, while not a bad person, has this giant extended family (60+ total) that I hate (minus my grandpa & 1 cousin), but that he refuses to cut ties with. My younger brother isn’t terrible, but he’s a bit of an ass at times – standard sibling stuff. When I spent New Years with my girlfriend, I’d never felt safer, calmer, or more happy. Sure, part of that is that the relationship is still relatively young, but the safety? I don’t feel safe with anyone, even with the librarians I’m still in touch with, who I trust enough that I’d be confident in making them authorized medical decision makers in the event of my incapacitation (if not for state regulations making it impossible for that to happen). Is the potential damage worth it, in the end?

tl;dr – should I start fresh, even if I regret potentially hurting my dad?