#hell if i could i'd just stay in my parents house and run the store for them but i cant do that cuz i actually wanna have a life

[noir-ish-bee]

oh wait classes start tomorrow . What :(

[buzbyss]

CH. 1: WARNING SIGNS

☝️ LAST CHAPTER☝️ 

𝑺𝒘𝒆𝒆𝒕 𝑮𝒊𝒓𝒍.

💙💙💙💙💙💙

Description: 𝙎𝙝𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙨𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙩 𝙜𝙞𝙧𝙡. 𝙃𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙣𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙜𝙤𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙤 𝙡𝙚𝙩 𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙜𝙤. || Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Only 3 things were known for sure. The sound of the clock, the cold, snowy expanse, and 𝙝𝙞𝙢. Isolated in a remote cabin, she wonders where survival ends and obsession begins. Perhaps the cabin wasn't her prison. Perhaps it was her own heart.

CH. 1: WARNING SIGNS

I CAN'T ESCAPE HELL || SO I DREAM OF YOU || WE RUN AND TOUCH STARS

It was at the cafe when you ruined my life. That day, who knows how long ago now, when I met you—you with your trustworthy dark eyes, you with your calm demeanor and sweet words, you who could lie straight through your teeth—and nothing would ever be the same again.

Back then, I was naive. Naive enough to trust you. To eat up the sweet words that came out of your mouth like a starved baby bird, to trust that this handsome stranger was a knight from my books. Quiet and strong and kind. Back then, I did the worst thing any person who reads books could do. Judge it by its cover.

I trusted your cover. I trusted you. Trusted my idea of you.

Maybe I should take some of the blame, but you should have known better.

I remember going into that coffee shop at a dark hour where the sky was already as black as your gaze. It was going to close soon so I had hurried, the usual 43 steps from the library to the store shrinking to an even 32. I had seen a sign there earlier in the day, lingering at the corner of the shop's window like a solution in plain sight. Hiring Cafe Barista — NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED.

At the time, I had needed a job. Rent was due by the end of the week and all I had left was the money from my freelancing gigs and the last bit of help my parents had given me—just enough to pay it off. By the start of next month, eviction would have been a very real threat.

I should've forgotten about the job. I should've continued walking.

I should've continued walking even when the rain had drenched my clothes and sopped my book bag. I should've kept walking even if my mother's voice screamed like a banshee in my head.

All you do is sit in your bedroom doing nothing! You're not sick, you're lazy! If you want to keep staying in this house, you better make use of yourself because, right now, you are nothing but a waste of space!

Did you see it? I wonder. Did you already have an eye on me before I walked into that store? You say you know me better than myself, so maybe you saw how I was in a dark mood, how my thoughts were getting loud again. I wonder if you hid in the bushes, biding your time. Maybe you were that man that sat on the bus bench. Maybe you were the one walking on the opposite side of the street, always lingering two steps back. Or maybe you weren't a stranger at all. Maybe you were the reflection in the mirrors, the shadow in the alleyway, the air that whipped in the pouring rain—blowing wind on my neck like a stranger's breath.

Now that I think about it, there were bad signs everywhere that night. Like the car that pushed through too fast no matter how many people were still crossing and how I had forgotten to take the K bus to go back home. There was another line—the L bus—but I'd never take it. There were too many people that would board. People who would stare and judge me, people who could steal my belongings, people who would slice my neck if I sat down.

I wonder now if I should've just gotten on that bus. Would it have even mattered?

~~~

I didn't even get to ask for a job application. When I got to the counter, the cashier had that look in her eyes that seems to be in everyone's. Do you know that gaze? When someone stares at you like they're picking you apart? You should. I sometimes look at you that way.

I had stammered out an order, saying the first thing that had been on that menu. I was dripping water then, probably creating a puddle on the floor around me. I didn't hear the coffee place's door jingle as you walked in.

I felt you, though.

I felt your presence like you were some black hole pulling me into your gravitational hold.

The hair on my skin stood even if I didn't know why. A warning sign.

I had stepped to the side and waited for my order, staring at the black and white tiles of the floor beneath me, counting them. Convos had wrapped around the room like a suffocating hug, words of sick thoughts and morbid fascination frosting their tones. I had desperately wanted to disappear. Needed to.

"Have you heard? They found the body of a woman who went missing by the lake. They say it's connected to the killer."

"Poor thing. Didn't the news say she had been found without a head?"

"God, what's the world come to?"

Couldn't they have been quieter? God, I wanted them to stop talking or at least talk about other things. Good things. I counted the tiles on the floor, trying to root myself: one, two, three. It didn't help.

The overhead lights were too bright and its growing intensity was blinding. The walls were too closed in, crushing the air out of my lungs with no intent of mercy. The people were too much and the sounds of a chair scraping or a sharp laugh or the bathroom door closing crashed through me like a train.

I wanted to run. Needed to.

Hyperventilating at that point, I had quickly pulled out the first book in my bag to try and lose myself in the pages. Already I had felt myself swooping down and the palpitations coming on. I've always hated the beginnings of those panic attacks. They made me feel like I was drowning.

With great force, I willed the environment to be the wardrobe in Narnia but it kept glitching, never really materializing. All I could feel were the people staring, boring their eyes into my back, branding me like I was cattle with their oppressive judgement.

Thud. Thud. Boom.

I think you walked past me then.

I didn't even notice, still too wrapped up in trying to breathe.

"For Evie?"

The cashier's voice was like an untethered rope that I fought to grab onto with desperate hands. Like a slim light glinting in the darkness, I was going to follow anything that would help me through the darkness in my head.

I speedwalked to the counter, stuffing my book under my armpit. Once I had the coffee in my hand, I maneuvered towards the exit with my eyes glued to the floor.

I'm not certain it was my fault now. Even if I hadn't been looking where I was going, I remember there weren't any people in my near vicinity. Still, before I knew it, I crashed into something firm.

I could only watch in horror as my coffee splashed onto your chest.

Your black hoodie was drenched as roasted chestnut dampened the fabric, dripping brown onto the black and white tiles.

I apologized profusely, unable to do anything but look down frantically. I could feel the panic coming on stronger now. The way the pressure threatened to grow. I think I could've died right then and there. My hands started to shake. My body began to tremble. At that moment, I knew you were going to judge me or get mad or strangle me or—

"Are you ok?"

Your voice was calm, grounding. Steady. Its contrast with the chaos in my head was so jolting that I had to look up at you. The first thing that I saw wasn't the hospital mask on your face or the baseball cap on your head.

No, it was your eyes. I swear I had never seen any that were so captivating.

Yes, millions of people had dark brown—almost black—eyes, but not like yours. Yours were black like the midnight sky, as black as the ink that writes down words. As dark as an abyss that I found myself lost in. There was an intensity in yours, one that I couldn't quite shake. They weren't blinding baby blues or icy ceruleans but they were transfixing all the same. You looked like you could see everything that went on in my head and I felt that I could trust you, trust the darkness that held no judgement—those irises that were warm, not cold.

And underneath the store's lights? They looked like galaxies.

God, I was so stupid.

"I'm fine," I said softer, unable to look at you directly. Still, my lungs were shaking like I couldn't get enough air. I tried to calm myself down and stop the tremor in my hands, to let ease wash over me. "I'm so sorry."

You flipped the script then as you let out a slight chuckle. It wasn't condescending but more of endearment, like someone laughing at their pet's antics. "Hey," you had said with that reassuring tone. "It's just coffee. No worries. Besides, I've been meaning to put this in the laundry anyway." You had put your hands on my shoulders and I looked up to see slight concern in your eyes. "Just breathe, okay?"

You were so kind, so warm. So different from the thoughts in my head, so different from the way others would judge and throw stares of disdain. You didn't act like I was being weird or like a burden someone had to walk on eggshells around. There was something reassuring in your gaze, in those warm dark brown pools, that made me put down my defenses. For a moment, my focus had cleared. I realized that people weren't actually staring at me, that it was all in my head. Your words had made the strain in my chest loosen and the fog in my head lift.

Like a fool, I bit into your poison.

"Can you do that for me?" you asked. "Breathe in and out. In and out."

I followed what you said. Inhaling and exhaling. You leaned over to grab a napkin from a nearby table and dabbed it onto my cheek. You didn't mind the stain on your clothes, didn't try to clean the mess on the floor. There was something tender in your focus, in trying to get me to ground myself. I let myself lean on it. "Sorry, there was coffee that had splashed on you." You peered at me. "You good?"

I nodded my head, my voice nowhere to be found.

Afterwards, you dabbed the napkin onto your hoodie, the corners of your eyes crinkling as you looked at me. Though the hospital mask didn't show it, I could tell that you were giving me a small smile. "Let me replace your drink?" you had offered. "I'll pay for it. It's my fault, really."

Quite the perfect gentleman, huh? You really got me. You were adamant that it was your mistake for not watching where you were going, insisting on buying me a new latte. I believed the image that you had conveyed, trusted those brows that were knit in earnesty.

Now that I think about it, from the moment we met, your brows have always been knit. They always are, though, huh? Always thinking, always scheming.

And I should have known you were scheming something. I should have seen the way your eyes—the same ones I had trusted, the ones that had made me feel safe—were scanning the room like you were looking for potential witnesses. The way your finger tapped at your leg like you were running through the steps of your plan. I didn't care, didn't notice. All I could think about was how you were, genuinely, the first person who had made me feel safe.

And you took advantage of that.

You then ordered my drink despite my protests, chatted about my day like you knew me since forever. It had made me feel so ecstatic back then. How even when my replies came out in stutters, you still made an effort. Still talked to me like I was normal.

"Is that Narnia?" you had asked. You let out a low whistle, your hospital mask shifting a little. "Haven't picked a book up like that since I was younger."

Younger. Somehow it feels unimaginable to see you as young, that even you were innocent once. That you didn't materialize on this Earth all evil and darkness already.

I had tucked my hair behind my ear as I looked down, sheepish. I couldn't make eye contact. You made me nervous. Butterflies-in-the-stomach nervous. "Yeah. It's a bit of a comfort for me I guess."

You didn't respond for a while and I found your attention traveling to my lips. You coughed when I noticed, embarrassed. "Well, everyone deserves to dip their toes in nostalgia, right?"

I nodded my head, not knowing what else to say.

The convo should have dropped right then and there. I should have said my goodbyes and not even wait for the coffee.

"So, what's your name?" you had asked. Your voice was low and tentative, a little nervous if I didn't know any better.

"Evie," I said softly. "Yours?"

Your dark eyes glinted, catching the overhead lights. "Adam."

"Nice to meet you, Adam."

You nodded your head as if you had already known me. "Same to you too, Evie." The way you rolled your tongue over my name made it sound like it was something to be savored, the letters like chocolate you melt in your mouth so the sweetness could linger longer.

You sunk your claws into my skin, then. You saw the way my guards were lowered, the gradual ease I had in talking to you. You could see how I had already begun to give you pieces of myself—my walls, my name. Did it excite you?

I bet you relished every second.

At that point, the barista called for me, interrupting our conversation. I had begun to walk over when you stopped me. "Don't worry, I'll get it."

"Um, okay." The tips of my ears tinged red. I remember how it had felt so nice to be treated by you, by someone so handsome. You seemed like a gentleman, like a knight here to help. I had pictured you clad in armor with a sword and shield, not knowing you were the dragon beneath that mask.

You trailed away from me and I watched as you turned your back to me.

And that's where it happened. Where it all went down and where my life would never be the same again.

There was a peculiar thing about that coffee shop: they always handed their coffee lidless—something about it being more eco-friendly. There were no barriers to stop you, nothing to prevent you from pouring those roofies in. It must have been so easy. So laughably simple in the way you slid it in there with a slight trick of the hand and a pinch of the fingers like you were adding sugar in.

I wonder if that coffee lid policy has changed now. It could save a lot more girls like me.

What were you thinking when you put it in? Did you feel nervous? Did beads of sweat roll down your face, scared you were going to get caught? Or have you done things like that so many times that it was second nature?

At the time, I didn't question it. The barista had returned to making more orders, antsy customers demanding their coffees, a family trying to quell their screaming toddler, a woman diving to pick up her straw wrapper on the ground, and there was even a couple staring deep into each other's eyes right next to you.

Your back and the bustle around us hid everything. If you were shaking, if you were having second thoughts, you did a great job at acting like you weren't.

You returned and handed the coffee to me. I took it. I put it to my lips and I drank. Gulp, gulp, gulp. There was nothing off about it, nothing that would have made me realize there was something off. As a matter of fact, I gave you gratitude. My thanks. Why hadn't I been more suspicious? Why hadn't I known?

I hate the fact that I couldn't see. That everything about you should have raised a red flag. But there was no sleaze in your voice, no perversion in your manner.

Why didn't I see? I don't know. Maybe it's because I wanted to trust that there were still people like you in the world—good people.

If only I had seen the way your gaze, like the coffee, had become laced with something vile.

"So what do you do for work?" I had asked, trying to continue the convo. I had thought I had made a friend, unaware of the danger that I had put myself in. Unaware that a countdown had started.

You didn't answer for a while, seeming to study my face. It made my cheeks flush a little, thinking you were checking me out. Now, I realize what you were truly doing. "Well, I mostly do a little bit of everything," you had replied, vague as ever. "What about you?"

"I kinda do freelancing right now," I dared to glance at your reaction. You remained with the same openness. Your reaction had been a breath of fresh air from the disapproving silence my mom would reduce me with. "But, really, I need a second job soon. These gigs aren't going to pay my rent any time soon." I had let out a shy chuckle as I drank more in an attempt to quiet myself down, to prevent myself from rambling.

"Live alone?"

"Um..." I said, not sure how to respond.

You rubbed your neck, looking apologetic. "Sorry, too personal?"

"No, it's fine!" I had replied. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

You gave me a joking smile, your gaze twinkling in an attempt to lighten the mood. "Don't worry, I'm not a creep. I like to play Animal Crossing." Ha! What a great defense. You were a liar. A bastard. "It's really impressive if you do live alone, though. You know, with the economy nowadays."

"Yeah, well, the success of adulting isn't all because of me. My mom has connections and she had managed to get me in contact with a landlord in her circle." As a matter of fact, she had kicked me out of her house, but I didn't want to tell you at the time, ashamed that you'd judge me. "Got to say, though," I added with a soft exhale that could've been a chuckle. I was trying to hide the light-headedness that had begun to kick in. "I love nepotism."

"Do you like your mom?"

The ground beneath me had started to sway, but I pushed the sensation aside.

I shifted on my legs, attempting to regain my balance. "I mean, she tries. She's not the best by any means, but I know that she cares about me in her own way. She sacrificed a lot to get here and she believes that I need to work harder. But, you know, I get it."

Your warm gaze had frozen over at that point, searching my expression for something. "But do you like her?" Your tone was different. More ominous.

For a moment, I stared at the coffee, noting how the floor had started to feel nearer. "Well," I said, trying to blink out my dizziness. "It's complicated. Sometimes I wish she'd be more understanding, but I get that she has a lot on her plate." I put a hand to my head, the sensation growing stronger. "Um..." I tried to say something but no incoherent words came out of my mouth.

"Are you ok?" you asked, your eyes widening in concern.

"I'm alright." However, an overwhelming urge to lie down came over me and all the strength evaporated from my legs. "I think I need to sit down."

You nodded your head. "Come on, let's get you some fresh air. You look like you're going to faint."

Nobody had noticed when you put your hand at the small of my back then, leading me outside. Nobody noticed how I was starting to become more and more weak in your arms. Nobody saw, nobody cared.

Everyone was all wrapped up in their own worlds.

For once, I wish they were all boring their eyes on me. 

[nickeldean]

-- March, 1987 --

"Hey, Chandler," Ross says, leaning up against the locker beside Chandler's. He'd been clinging to Chandler lately, which made more sense the more Chandler thought about it. They'd been friends since middle school, and now it was senior year, and they were planning to go to the same college, yeah, but they were getting vastly different degrees and Ross never was very good at making friends. Not that Chandler was great at it either.

Chandler sucks in a deep breath through her nose and slams her locker, leaning back against it once it's closed. "What is it now, Ross?" she asks, wishing she had a cigarette based on the look on Ross' face.

"Well," Ross sighs, "You know about the Prom, and how I haven't found a date yet," he trails off, looking over at Chandler.

Chandler snorts. "Oh God, good. Prom sucks, man, I mean, who wants to dress up like that anyway? I'm just going to stay home and watch whatever's on, probably. I think there's a Star Trek re-run tonight, if you wanna swing by," she offers, raising her eyebrows at Ross.

He only groans in response. "You know I have a math test tomorrow, and my mom will kill me," Ross says, "She'll kill you too, y'know."

"Fine, fine, whatever," Chandler relents, "So you don't want to watch Star Trek with me and you want to go to Prom? Who the hell are you?"

Ross shrugs, looking down at his feet. "I was kinda hoping you'd like, come with me to Prom. And we could watch Star Trek after on my DVR, you know I've got the good episodes on tape, and maybe like, just have fun?" Ross rambles, refusing to look at Chandler as he offers.

Chandler laughs, a full-on, throaty, uninhibited laugh, hands on her knees from its power. "Wow, good one Ross, really had me there," she says, rolling her eyes and leaning back again, chuckling some more.

"I'm not kidding, Chandler."

They both fall silent.

"Ross," Chandler starts, nervously laughing, "You know why we're best friends, right?"

Nodding, Ross answers, "We both like Star Trek and have been bullied our whole lives, yeah," he trails off, not liking the look on Chandler's face.

Chandler shakes her head and shrugs. "Not exactly, really," she mutters, "I mean, I'm your friend because you don't care that I'm weird. I smoke and I dress like I'm straight out of the Dollar Store Men's Warehouse, and you don't care."

"Well," Ross interjects, "I wouldn't say Men's Warehouse. I'd say you still look pretty, it's not like you come off as masculine or anything," he laughs to himself, but Chandler's not laughing.

"Ross, I'm not going with you to Prom."

"Why not?" Ross asks, clearly annoyed.

"Because," Chandler sighs, "Because I think I'm a lesbian."

Ross goes quiet for a moment, tapping his foot on the dirty school floor, thinking. "Well," he starts, "We wouldn't have sex after. Or kiss. You could just show up in a nice dress and we'd pretend. We could watch Star Trek after, even," Ross begs, and Chandler knows why. If they go to the Prom, and both have dates, even if they're each other, they might not be losers for once in their lives.

Chandler forces a laugh. "I'm not the dress type. Kinda butch, I guess. Been thinking of cutting my hair, actually," she admits, unsure where the line between them is, when Ross will tell her to shut up, yell and tell her she can't be a lesbian, she can't, and even though they live in New York, she's not safe. She's not safe anywhere, not with Reagan in the goddamn White House and not with Bush set to succeed him.

Ross must sense Chandler's panic, setting a hand on her shoulder gingerly and shrugging. "We are losers. Maybe you could come with me in a suit? I've got one from a couple years ago that might fit you. My parents probably wouldn't care if you took it, they love you," Ross suggests under his breath, and even if he's ashamed of Chandler in some way, he's still offering her a lot, more than anyone else has before, and so she nods, shrugging beside her friend.

"I guess I'd go to Prom with you, then," Chandler says, "But only if I get to pick out which episode we watch afterwards."

Ross smiles. "Deal."

[ourceliumnetwork]

AND ANOTHER THING

like... i think i understate how often we were away from home while i was growing up. we never moved but we were taking trips away from home super frequently. And when we were home, about half the weekends were for other people to stay in my room. Schoolwork was a punishment and a requirement. Everything about running a house was a punishment because i "wasn't doing it unless i was punished into it" because i saw it all as a punishment.

Because it was.

Solitude was a punishment but it was a punishment i could handle - i wasn't allowed to have affection or company while i was being punished unless i was Sufficiently Contrite or my parents were drunk enough and/or had forgotten i was meant to be on punishments/restrictions.

it was a 5 and a half hour trip to my mom's parents and we were out there every other month for at least a weekend sometimes more. Other people got birthday trips so we'd be out of town for again a long weekend or more. race day - out of town for at least a week. My sister had an event out of town? guess the whole family's going. My parents decided they want to do a 2 week long camping excursion in the middle of the desert they've planned between them and only them? Sports seasons were the worst because it was either people were staying in my room weekly, or we were out of town nearly weekly to travel the 6ish hours up to DC for hockey games.

We'd do a week each at grandma&granpdas or nana&poppops house and that was just me and my sister. I was gone for the whole summer after i turned 18.

i was in trouble when i got back from that summer because i hadn't cleaned my room sufficiently for my parents to have guests over while i was gone and my mother threw a bunch of my stuff haphazardly into a box and it got stored away and i didn't get it back until i'd left my ex and was living in an apartment by myself because she "found" it again. But mom was no longer in charge of my schoolwork so she couldn't use that as a punishment against me anymore.

Just....

I never had a space of my own and i never learned how to clean it because i was expected to just Know How To Do Things all the time. starting from when i was like 3 or 4. Like when my sister was born I was meant to just know all the things already. I didn't need anymore parenting from my actual parents, I guess.

...you wanna know the worst things i ever did to get punished for? Leaving my room dirty when guests were coming over (constant - even if they weren't staying in my room), totalling the van in a freak accident that i could have died in at 19 (nineteen), and not doing the schoolwork my mother assigned but never graded or kept track of anyway.

i didn't go out and cause trouble, i was assigned a "good kid" by all the adults in my life aside from my parents, i didn't smoke i didn't drink i didn't do drugs in the house (i didn't do drugs at all until i was a full adult), i didn't stay out late, i didn't do anything but be on the computer too long, stay in my room all the time, and not be as tidy or as neat as my parents wanted. I evacuated my only refuge weekly during the sports season to let it be taken over by various family members, i dealt with the fact that my sister resented the hell out of me for her own reasons, i slept on floors more often than i slept in beds - especially when it became very clear i was so unwanted in a bed that it was easier for me to freeze on the hotel floor with the stupid decorative throw thing at the end of the bed than to try and sleep next to my sister. i just...

.... holy shit man. no wonder i have issues with ownership and leaving the house and the fact that i feel kind of isolated constantly and don't know if i'm allowed to be in the spaces with other people unless i'm Properly Invited and I haven't committed any Crimes against anyone in the past 36-72 hours. like??????? fuck.

[casspurrjoybell-24]

My Mate - Chapter 13 - Part 2

*Warning Adult Content*

Groaning irritably at the sun shining in my eyes, I tried cuddling further under my covers.

The sound of something falling though made me squint my eyes open.

I stared at the black leather seat in front of me for a good minute before I shot up into a sitting position.

Groaning loudly, I grabbed my head at the pounding inside of it.

"I'm gonna puke," I realized, my words slurred as I fumbled to get the seat in front of me up and the car door opened.

I didn't make it all the way and was only half out of the car when I started puking.

It was horrible...the taste, the smell, the burning... it made me throw up even more.

A hand brushed my hair out of my face as I was dry heaving with nothing else to throw up.

Spitting, I sat back in the car with a blinding headache and a disgusting taste in my mouth.

Blinking, I turned to look at Robert who was staring at me.

He looked like he always does... messy hair, wrinkled shirt.

The Alpha male turned from me and pulled his cell-phone out of his pocket, cursing lowly.

"I'm gonna run into the store real quick," his voice made my head ache all the more.

I wanted him to shut up but I didn't want to talk.

So I stayed silent and he got the message.

He shut the door softly behind him and I watched him walk into the 7-Eleven.

'Why were we here? Why were we sleeping in the car?'

Looking around for answers, the only thing in the car besides Robert's leather jacket was an empty bottle of alcohol.

The sight of it made me feel like I was going to puke again.

What the hell did we do last night?

Thinking back, I remember Robert yelling irritably at me as I tried driving his car.

I yelled back at him before giving up and letting him drive.

'I went to my first party... yes, I remember that... well... I remember some of it.'

I don't remember leaving or falling asleep in the back of Robert's car.

Werewolf parties were a lot crazier than the ones you see in movies.

My innocence had been tainted by the activities taking place.

Robert hadn't even blinked, like it was a normal everyday thing for him.

It probably is, we're talking about Robert here.

Everyone there was excited when he showed up but that wasn't surprising.

What was however, was how accepting everyone was of my presence.

I remember being dragged off by some girls wanting to take shots.

Oh Moon Goddess, I'm going to puke again.

Robert found me with my head hanging out the car's window in fear that I'd puke inside of it.

Plus the cool air felt good on my sweaty face.

I perked up some at the smell of greasy food.

"Here, take this."

He handed me a blue Gatorade with two Advil capsules.

I did as he said and continued sipping on the drink.

We didn't talk... Robert handed me pickles to eat before passing over a tray of cheese and chili nachos.

I don't know if they were really that good but in that moment they tasted like the best things I've ever eaten.

I moaned, stuffing the salty chips in my mouth.

Robert paused in eating his hamburger and pulled out his vibrating cell-phone.

Whoever it was, he ignore it and stuffed the phone back in his pocket.

"My dad keeps calling, something must be wrong," he said, starting up the car.

"I'll go with you," I said, too scared to go home and face my own parents who would know by now that I had snuck out.

Maybe I could say I was pup-napped.

I mean, someone did come through my window and persuaded me to come with them... Robby chuckled.

"Scared?" he asked.

I glared at him before stuffing another chip in my mouth.

I wanted to go back to sleep.

My body ached and I felt like I'd fallen down a flight of stairs.

"What exactly did we do last night?" I asked, looking out the window.

We weren't far from the pack house, just on the edge of town.

"Ugh..." Robby scratched his head, his brows pinched.

"We drunk, a lot."

"No shit," I said grumpily.

So far he wasn't telling me anything I hadn't already guessed.

"I don't really remember much?" he admitted.

"This morning I woke up and we were still parked in their driveway, so I drove to the gas station and fell asleep."

"What an amazing story to tell," I said sarcastically... Robert only chuckled.

The ride was quiet and I was thankful.

My head still hurt a little and my eyes were heavy.

I was nodding off when he pulled up to the pack house.

"Oh... fuck..." Robert said slowly.

I looked at him before looking at the house.

It looked like half the pack was standing outside, including the Alpha and Luna.

At the sight of Robert's car, they all turned towards us.

"Actually, I'd like to go home first," I said, looking past the pack members to the house covered in toilet paper.

"A little too late for that," Robby said.

I slipped down further into the seat when I spotted the Luna coming towards the car.

An expression on her face worse than when I knocked over her Grandfathers urn... it was downright frightening.

"Robert Lee Killian."

"We didn't do this, right?" I asked.

"No, definitely not... we were at a party," Robby didn't sound so sure and I was shaking by time the Luna pulled open the drivers side door.

"Hey mom, what happened?"

"What happened?" she screeched.

"Did you suddenly forget the house has security cameras?"

Oh... she was really mad... her face was turning red.

I flinched when her eyes leveled with mine.

"And you, you're in just as much trouble."

I felt like I was six again and wrote on Mom's counters with marker.

I refused to go into the kitchen for weeks after mom got to me.

"Mom, there's no way we could have done this," Robby said, looking between his Mom and the house.

Even the tree in the yard had toilet paper thrown over it and wrapped around the bottom.

"Get inside, both of you."

While we were getting out of the car I spotted the Alpha trying to hold back his laughter.

He wasn't doing such a good job.

Robert didn't look scared, though.... he looked as nonchalant as ever.

'This was all this fault. Why did he have to come knocking on my window?'

I did kind of agree to come with him but he took me to a party.

My mom's going to kill me if the Alpha doesn't.

The Luna led us into the Alpha's office and he came in after we'd sat down in front of the desk.

"Did you two have fun last night?" he asked, sitting down in front of us.

I stared at him with wide eyes, having never been in here before.

It was worse than being sent to the principals office.

When neither of us answered, he did something on his computer and turned the monitor towards us.

I watched the grainy footage of me carrying a huge package of toilet paper down the street before stumbling into the packs yard.

I fell over and landed on the package.

Robby walked into the footage laughing at me.

He even put his hands on his knees as if he'd seen the funniest thing ever.

The Alpha sped it up some and switched to a different camera that showed the front of the house where I threw the first roll of toilet paper.

The Alpha turned the video off and I looked up at him.

He started at me for all of a second before I started bawling.

Robert snickered from beside me and the Luna slapped him in the head.

"I'm sorry. Please don't kick me out of the pack," I pleaded through my tears.

"I promise it won't happen again. I'm never hanging out with Robert, ever again."

"I'm not kicking you out, Torin," Alpha said with a smirk.

"But both of you are going to go clean up your mess without any help."

I nodded, wiping my eyes and glaring at Robby so the Alpha couldn't see.

I wasn't kidding... I'm never hanging out with Robert Killian again.

[inkmonster21]

Best Buds

Fezco x Reader

Euphoria Universe x Reader

1. Your Local Drug Dealer

2. Behind the Store Blaze

~

The cheer team finishes running the routine a few minutes early allowing me to swiftly grab my bag and move towards the exit. "Where are you going in a hurry?" Maddy asks with her detective's eyes. "I've got plans." "Bitch, with who? We're the coolest people you know!" I sling my arms over Maddy's shoulders, kissing her cheek a hundred times. "Oh, I promise I'll make it up to you, Mads." She rolls her eyes, playfully pushing me off of her. "Just go. You don't care about me." I shake my head as I reach down to unlock my bike.

"Maddy! Let's get something to eat!" Nate screams a demand at her from across the parking lot. The football team just had to have their Bootcamp the same week as ours.

"Fuck off." Maddy flips him off, but he simply smiles wider. "He's so cute." "He's a psycho, Maddy." She shrugs, "Yeah, he is." She walks off in a dream state to her doom.

~

Fez stands in front of the mirror, checking over his appearance. The colorful t-shirt over his jeans with sneakers fit his style. He had to admit, he pulled out some of the nicer shit he owns for today. It was 2:13 pm now, and cheer lasted until 1:45 pm. She should be heading this way soon.

The knocks on the door put Fez in a complete panic. "Fuck..." He sets the blunt in the ashtray and stands up, taking a look in the mirror before walking to the front door. He opens it to see (Y/n). Clad in a white tank top and black shorts. Stating the obvious, she came right from practice.

"Wasup?" (Y/n) smiles as she takes a step inside his home."Hey, Fez." Fuck. Just the way she said his name had him feeling all froggy and nervous.

"Make yourself at home." (Y/n) sits on the couch huffing. "Don't mind if I do." Fez takes the seat on the furthest end. "How was cheer?" "Fuckin sucked. I'm so over all the high school bullshit." Fez nods right along, he listens to everything she has to say. He cares about what she has to say. Why (y/n) gets mad when Maddy singles her out in practice. Fez cared about her day.

Fez lights the forgotten blunt again. "You ever think about moving?" (Y/n) shakes her head, "No. I don't think I could leave my family." "That's good." "Yeah?" Fez nods, smiling her way as he blows the smoke from his lungs. "Yeah, I don't think I'd want you moving either." (Y/n) sits on her knees, her cheer shorts riding up her thighs. "Aw think you'd miss me, Fez?"

Fez nods, detailing every inch of her face. "Fuckin course. Who else would I have to talk to in the middle of the night?" She crawls closer, sitting in the middle seat of the couch. "I am pretty fun to talk to." Fez takes the blunt back, inhaling and exhaling. (Y/n) is sitting so close, the tension could be cut with a knife. They both understand what floats in the air, but the other just waiting for a bite. For weeks the two of them have been so hungry for each other.

After taking enough (y/n) leans further, whispering softly to Fezco, "Are you going to kiss me or not, Fez?" He doesn't waste time. He grabs her legs and swings her around him, setting her in a straddling position before attacking her lips. The thick smoke in the room only added to the high. The kiss gets heated enough for (Y/n) to pull her top off. Fez watches as her tits drop into place right in front of his face. His eyes roll into the back of his head, seeing how perfect she is. "Fuckin hell."

Fez lifts her, she wraps her legs around him and he leads them down the hall and into his room and slams the door shut. This is how the pattern started. For a couple days of the week (y/n) would go to Fez's house after cheer camp and stay until late hours of the night. Telling her parents that she was at Maddy's some night and Cassie's the other. Fez and (y/n) were together most of the time now. If he was at the store, she'd be sitting on the counter next to him. If he's chilling on the couch, she'd have her feet propped in his lap. They never talked about what it was that they had. What they were...

~

Mom drops her fork on the china plate catching everyone's attention as the silver rings against the glass. Dad looks up from his steak confused. "Do you have an announcement, honey?" My mother rests her hands together, her 2 ct diamond ring shining in the candlelight. "A question. (y/n), darling, are you feeling okay?" She places her hand over my forehead searching for a fever. "Yeah?" I ask while backing away from her touch. My phone vibrates under the table, I take a glance at the screen.

Fez: thinkin bout you baby...

I bite my lip blushing as I lock the phone back up. "Sorry." My father glares daggers. "You know they're no phones at the table, (y/n)." I smile at him, placing my phone face down on the table. "Sorry."

"Who was it, honey?" My mother is always prying on my life. "Was it, Nate. Maybe even Aaron?" I roll my eyes at her comment. "Mom. No." She shrugs with a frown, "Both those boys are missing out. You're so clean-cut and presentable. You're not sleazy like these other girls." my father shakes his head in disappointment. Both of them were fucking insane, but my dad was always there to lighten the blow when mom got ahead of herself. "Mary, let the girl experience things. You don't have to write her life. She's not one of your books." Mom throws her hands up, "I know! I'm not pushing. I just want the best for my kids." Yes, the best for her kids. She wants what will look the best in front of the entire town.

My phone buzzes again and my mother reaches for it. "Oh, my god!" She gasps and flips it back over. "Who... oh my, god." I freeze in my seat afraid of what she had seen. "Rue? You're hanging out with Rue now? (y/n), do you understand she died! What kind of influence does that portray on you?" I stab my salad while internally rolling my eyes. "She's just a friend, mom. We met a few weeks ago." "Ha. Now just let me tell you how many friends I had..." I drown her out, continuing to stab my salad in agony.

In my room, I play with my hair in the mirror. Debating to put it up for tomorrow or straighten it. "You really be doing this shit every night?" Fez asks, watching me through the facetime camera. "Uh, yeah. You can't just keep the same old thing every day." Fez scoffs as he blows smoke. "Who you trying to impress?" I look at the screen seeing him propped up on the couch. "You." Fez nods, "That's what I like to hear, baby."

Suddenly the door bursts open. "Aye, sis, have you seen the rolling papers?" Dylan notices the phone and furrows his brows. "Fezco?" Fez waves awkwardly, "Sup man." Dylan looks between me and the phone with confusion. "It's 1 in the morning." "Good observation," I say bluntly as I toss him the papers. Dylan begins to leave the room, slowly taking glances at the screen before closing the door back. Fez bursts into laughter.

I watch him smile, his cheeks glowing a light pink as the heat grows to his face. "I take it he doesn't know." I go back to looking at my hair in the mirror. "Know what?" I watch as Fez bites his lip, taking a beat to reply. "That we so close." My smile falters just a fray. "Yeah, we are close." Are we friends? For sure. But are we more than that? We certainly don't act like friends once in the same room alone. "Aye, you got cheer tomorrow. Get off the phone." I laugh shaking my head at him. "Okay, daddy." "Whoa. I know where you at. Don't forget that." I laugh loudly as Fez's cheeks glow. The silence grows as Fez and I smile at each other through the phone. "I'll see you tomorrow?" I nod, "After cheer." "Sweet dreams, ma." I blow a kiss, "You too, Fez. Goodnight." "Goodnight."

"Who was that?" I jump at the sound of my dad's voice. He stands in the doorway, leaning against the frame. "A friend." My dad raises his brow, "A guy friend." "Yeah, I have those." He furrows his brows. "What's his name?" "Why?" He shrugs calmly. "I like to know who my daughter is talking with. Make sure you're safe." After seeing he won't get any more answers from me, he backs away from the door. "Alright then. I guess I'll be heading to bed." "You do that, dad." He hovers in the doorway, "Alright, I'm going now." He shuts the door, listening from behind it for a few seconds before leaving and walking downstairs to his room.

Seconds later my phone buzzes.

Dylan: Why tf were you on ft with Fez?

(y/n): We're friends

Dylan: Just friends?

Are we just friends? Over the last month, Fez and I had developed a romantic relationship, but it was purely kept from the world. It was a secret. I was his hidden gem. I could just be a summer fling for him.

(y/n): Yeah man. Just friends.

[millenialfanfictionaddiction]

Go Go Let's Go! Let's Go! Dateko! (Pt 2. Smut)

⚠️THIS FIC IS 18+ NSFW, MINORS DNI ⚠️

Warnings: swearing, gross amount of fluff, oral sex (female and male receiving), vaginal sex, unprotected sex, cum play, cum eating, implied shower sex

Word Count: 7,000 +

Kenji refused to tell you where the tournament was in hopes that you would just not show. But you knew better. Not only would you get to see your son play but lord that coach!

You wandered into the Date Tech section as you lean over the railings. The team is gathered around the bench ad the coach is giving them a pep talk before the game

"Futakuchi you're mom came" Obara laughs as he nudges Kenji.

"Please don't make eye contact with her it will only encourage her" he says as he places his hands on his face.

Coach Oiwake turns to see you beaming as you wave to the team. He gives you a small nod and a smile as you blush and take your seat.

"Miss Futakuchi?" A voice from besides you says.

"Oh Moniwa! It's so good to see you!" You smile as you wave to the other boys.

The boys look at you as Moniwa introduces you "this is Futakuchi's mom! Miss Futakuchi, this is Kamasaki and Sasaya both former third years on the team."

"It's so nice to meet you boys! I'd like to apologize for my idiot son's ignorance as an underclassmen. He deserves to feel the pain of being team captain" you say as you smile to the boys.

The game progresses quickly as you catch glimpse of the coach looking up at you when he is able to spare a second. You catch his eyes smiling at him.

Kamasaki whispers to Moniwa and Sasaya "damn coach has got it out for Futakuchi's mom. You see those looks." 

 Moniwa rolls his eyes "come on man knock it off"

He looks to you ad he sees his former coach staring right at you

"Ok you right" Moniwa says as Kamasaki crosses his arms laughing.

After the game you proceed the hallway to wait for the boys with the third years. Kenji and the team walk up to you as Kenji rolls his eyes and buries his face.

"Oh knock it off Kenji. You act like I'm the most embarrassing thing in your life" you say as the third years and the team laugh.

"Mom notice how no other parents are here? That's because they care about their kids reputations" he says as he glares at you.

"Awe baby I care. Just not enough" you say as you laugh walking past the boys.

"Good game guys" you say waving as you round the corner.

You walk straight into coach Oiwake as he's reviewing his notes.

"Oh Y/N. I'm so sorry I didn't see you there" he says flustered

"Oh gosh it was all me! I'm such a klutz" you says laughing awkwardly.

"Say thanks for coming out to support the team. I know the boys appreciated it" he smiles.

"Everyone but Kenji" you chuckle as he laughs.

"I'm sure Futakuchi enjoyed it too. He's just into his roll as captain" coach says as he looks down.

"Say Y/N I was wondering" he says as he scratches the back of his head "would you like to have coffee sometime?"

You smile softly "of course Takuro! Only if we don't tell Kenji."

"Deal" he says as he smiles at you.

You started seeing Takuro as often as you could. You could talk nightly on the phone and see each other when you could. It helped that Kenji was the team captain and had his own active social life. Still it was hard to sneak away without him noticing.

You had been secretly seeing Takuro for a few weeks. Things were getting pretty steamy between the two of you. You had several heated makeout sessions with Takuro but nothing even went further. You always had to leave because Kenji expected you home and you already hated lying to your son about your relationship with his coach.

Takuro had asked you to spend the night with him the week prior and you had agreed. All you needed was a plan to convince Kenji of your absence. You start pondering as you begin preparing lunch. You had to tell him something as go why you wouldn't be home. He knew you didn't work this weekend so that wasn't good enough.

"Hey mom I won't be home this weekend" Kenji said as he rushed into the kitchen

well shit that was easy

"Oh where are you going" you question.

"Obara invited me to a party tonight and them tomorrow we are having a game with the third years. Those losers keep hanging around so we might as well put them to use" Kenji says as he chuckles.

You laugh "ok well don't do anything I wouldn't do"

"Geez mom don't set the bar too high. You literally use to sneak out of grandma and grandpa's house all the time" he laughed

"Hey HEY" you say trying to stay serious "ok yeah I was an awful kid. Go be free my child". You wave Kenji off as he bids you goodbye.

You smile as you text Takuro that you will be over tonight. You tell him your going to run to the store to grab ingredients to prepare dinner for the two of you.

As the night approaches you leave for Takuro’s house. You arrive at the store as you begin to shop. Suddenly a hand snakes around your waist as a face presses to your neck.

"I SWEAR TO GOD I HAVE A TASER" you scream as the voice laughs.

"I can't ever be cute can I?" Takuro laughs as you calm down from your near heart attack.

"Well not if you're going to stalk me! Jesus Takuro" you huff.

"I couldn't wait to see you sweetheart" he says as he kisses your neck. You giggle as he focuses on your sweet spot. 

 Unbeknownst to you, 2 pairs of eyes watch from outside the store window.

"Futakuchi isn't that your mom?" Obara says as he stops walking outside the store.

Kenji looks up and sees you hugging Coach Oiwake as he kisses your neck.

"What the fuck?" Kenji says angerly.

"Dude let's go before they see us" Obara pushes Kenji past the store window as Kenji feels his face heat with anger.

How could you lie to him?

You grab your groceries as Takuro carries them to your car.

You arrive at Takuro's house as you prepare to exit your car. He runs up to your car door, swinging it open as he grabs you from the seat.

"JESUS CHRIST TAKURO YOUR'RE GOING TO GIVE ME WHIPLASH" you scream as he tosses you over his shoulder, spanking your ass as he carries you inside.

He sets you down as he starts to kiss you deeply, pulling his track jacket off as he pulls your cardigan from your shoulders.

You giggle as he releases you lips and travels to your neck "impatient much? I just got here what's the rush big shoots?"

"Can't wait any longer" he says as he pulls away from you looking at you "you just drive me nuts Y/N. I just need you so bad."

He kisses you neck violently as he grasps you ass pulling you up to him. He signals for you to jump as he carries you to his room.

"Wait the groceries" you say in-between his kisses as his hands start to travel up your tank top.

"It's fine baby" he says as he lightly tickles your skin as he kisses you. He licks your lower lip asking for access as you pull away. You get up on your knees and crawl away from him towards the top of the bed. You sit on your knees and you cross your arms over your chest.

The man is flustered. His head hangs low as his arms rest on the bed, his muscles stretching his white t-shirt.

"No more sir until you get my groceries in" you pout as you look away from him trying to keep a straight face.

"Fuck-ok" he says waving his hand as he walks to your car to retrieve the groceries. You take the opportunity to strip your clothes, revealing your matching lace bra and panties set.

You kneel at the edge I the bed, waiting for Takuro to come back. Your hands resting on your lush thighs.

"Ok baby no-" Takuro begins to say as he walks into his room.

He stops as his eyes literally bulge from his head.

"Fuck" he whispers as he falls falls to his knees at the sight of your gorgeous body clad only in a small amount of fabric.

"D-Do you like it?" You say shyly. It wasn't like you to be self conscious but then again you haven't had sex in years.

Takuro can't speak.

you literally broke the man Y/N. RIP Coach Oiwake Takuro 2021

He just stares as you start to feel self conscious.

He gets up and walks over to you as he leans in front of you face. He smiles at you as he grabs the back of your head pulling you into a heated kiss.

He guides you back on the bed as you toy with the hem of his shirt. He straddles you as he sits up removing his shirt.

Fuck the man is built. For being in his late 40s he's sculpted like a Greek statue. You feel up his chest as he kisses you deeply exploring your mouth with his tongue. He releases you from the kiss as he stares down at you.

"Y/N I'm going fucking worship you baby" he says as he kisses down your neck.

You feel your core heat up as your panties begin to get wetter and wetter with every kiss. You can't help but moan as he reaches your sensitive spots.

He works his way down your chest. He kisses your nipples over your lingerie as he moves the straps down to kiss your shoulders.

"We are going to leave this on because it's driving me insane" he says as he tugs at your bra. The straps down on your lower arms as the cups barely hold your full breasts.

He moves to your stomach as he kisses every square inch. The man is romantic as hell!

"You ready sweetheart" he says as he moves his fingers into your panties.

You nod as you pull your lip between your teeth. You can't believe how wet you are.

Takuro slowly pulls down your panties as a string of your essence glides with the panties.

"Fuck" he says as he rests his head in your thigh "whatever God decided to bless me fucking THANK YOU"

You giggle as he kisses your inner thighs. You moan at the feeling and growing sensation. He looks up at you as he spreads your pussy lips with his fingers and takes a long lick of your wet slit.

You shiver as your back arches. Takuro takes no time diving into his new home.

Fuck you were so wet and you tasted so good.

"Holy shit Takurō. Fuck right there" you screams as your back begins to arch high and higher. You've never had oral like this before.

"Fuck yes yes yes right there keep going. Omg fuck I'm going to cum" you say as you grab his head and push it further into your cunt. You rub your cunt on his face as the rope inside you snaps.

You screams as you cum hard on your lovers face.

Takuro backs up as he kisses your thighs. He slowly inserts two fingers into your already sensitive pussy as he begins to move them.

"Cum again sweetheart. I need more" he says as he pushes two fingers into your sopping wet cunt. You're still riding out the high from your previous orgasm as he leans over, pulling you up to meet him in a deep kiss.

He grabs your hair as he pulls it back exposing the column of your neck to his lips. He probes your cunt faster as you feel yourself building up.

"Ahhh ahh fuck Taku, ah" you cry as he kisses your neck quickening the speed of his fingers.

"Come on baby give me one more and then I'll fuck this tight little pussy. Please give me one more" he says as you feel your core snap as your cunt spasm around his fingers.

You fall back to the bed as he stands up removing his pants. You stare at his long cock with wide eyes.

"I'll be gentle angel" he says as he reaches for a condom.

You shake your head "I want you to cum in my mouth. Fuck me raw and cum in my mouth Takuro" you say seductively as you pull your lower lip into between your teeth.

"Baby you- you can't say shit like that. Fuck" he says as he flips you around to all fours as he lines up his cock.

"Let me suck you please" you say looking over your shoulder with doe eyes.

"Later baby later I-I'm not waiting any longer to fuck you" he says as he slowly starts to push is cock into your wet entrance.

"Holy- Y/N baby you need to relax" he says as he grabs your hips stopping himself from moving further.

"Relax? I haven't been fucked in years and you want me to relax?" You say as you trust yourself backwards impaling yourself on his hard cock.

"Fucking shit Y/N! God dammit I want to last longer than a minute" he shouts as he spanks your ass. You refuse to listen as you propel yourself back to his cock as he tries to hold you off.

"I swear to God if you don't fuck me-" you say as he flips you around standing up and yanking you down to the edge of the bed as you lay on your elbows.

"You'll do what Y/N?" He says in a sadistic voice as he pushes his cock all the way into your cunt in one swift movement.

"Shit" he chokes "God baby this is the tightest cunt" he says as he pulls back, setting a brutal pace as his balls slap your ass.

Your eyes roll to the back of your head as you feel every single centimeter of his cock on your inside walls.

"Fuck Y/N baby are you close" he says as he looks down to you.

You're gone. Where even are you Y/N? Come back to earth Y/N!

"Shit baby I'm going to cum soon you feel so fucking amazing. Fuck I'm going to worship this pussy everyday until I die" he chokes

"Oh Takuro, fuck-fuck I'm going to cum please keep going" you manage to say as he pushes forward trying to bring you to orgasm.

You feel your core snap again as the quick rise and fall of your orgasms over sweeps your body.

"Fuck baby are you ready" he says giving you a moment to recover.

He pulls out as you sink to the floor between his legs opening your mouth to receive his juices.

He jerks his cock as you sit with your mouth wide open "Oh fuck Y/N- baby UGH" he says as he shouts rope after rope of cum into your mouth.

You happily accept his gift as he groans and pants, his abs retracting from the intense orgasm. He throws his head back as he finishes and you wipe up the little cum that managed to fall to the side your lips.

He pulls back ad he sees his fluids in your mouth and on your tongue. You close your mouth, reopening to show him that you had swallowed what he had offered to you.

He kneels down to your face as he pulls you into a deep kiss.

"That was the best sex I've ever had" he chuckles as you smile.

"Yeah it was at least a solid 8" you tease as his eyes widen.

"An 8? Well we can't have that now can we. Date Tech strives to be the best so I only accept 10 and above" he says grabbing you as he carries you to the shower.

He fucks you in the shower until your brain is numb. He suck is cock as you make him finish for a second time during your hour long shower. You both emerge completely blissed out and exhausted.

"I’m hungry" you say as you cuddle into his stomach and he pulls up close.

"Well it's a good thing I brought it those groceries" he says.

"You mean the groceries I MADE you bring in" you say looking up at him.

"Well the trip was worth it because look what I came back too" he says as he hoisting you above him to straddle his waist.

[ilove-cedricdiggory]

Collide

George x Hufflepuff Reader

Summary - You and George have a few years difference, but have been dating sense your second year at Hogwarts. But, after he leaves during his 7th year without telling you and his letters stop coming, you assume a break up. After the war, you collide.

Trigger Warnings - Angst to fluff, cussing, panic attack.

Your hand burned with pain, drops of blood still seeping past your bandage and onto the floor as you sat in the Great Hall. You were sitting at your house table, not being allowed to sit with your boyfriend now that Umbridge was around. Not that you wanted to right now anyway. George was the absolute love of your life, your relationship two years strong now. The only problem is that George is overly protective of you.

It never bothered you, you actually loved it. He would make sure the stuck up students in the houses didn't pick on you, that you are properly, and, just recently, you didn't have to endure a punishment with the toad. He couldn't control this one though, seeing as how you had passed out some of your homemade cookies and she assumed they were Weasley products, meaning you broke one of the many new school rules.

You had tried to explain to her that they were normal, warm, homemade snickerdoodles, but you found yourself sitting at her desk writing 'I will not break rules' until it "sunk in". You knew George would just about hate himself if he was an extension of why you were punished - seeing as how she wouldn't have assumed they were prank cookies if you weren't dating George, but you didn't care either way. You loved him, more than anyone or anything (don't tell that to your muggle succulent sitting next to your bed).

George had been eyeing you all throughout dinner, getting Fred and Lee to trying to get your attention. Your hand was hidden under the table, and you waited until the three turned to discuss your mood to jump out of your seat and leave for the common room. You assumed they heard the door open, because right as the door began to close, you heard your boyfriend yell out for you, "Y/N!"

Your speed picked up, moving to the hufflepuff entrance, but his feet were more determined and his hand gripped your wrist, only, the bandaged on.

You hissed out in pain, pulling your hand from his as you eyed him. "When? When did she get you?" His questions were quick and to the point. "Right after you left to rush to potions. I was handing Laurence his batch of cookies and she thought they were..." you trailed off, not wanting to direct tell your boyfriend why you got punished. "She thought they were Weasley products. Shit, y/n, I'm so sorry."

You shrugged it off, not wanting to make it a bigger deal. "It's fine, love. It was bound to happen sooner or later." you reached up to kiss his cheek, but he took a step back. "Bub, it's really okay. Lindsey has some healing potion left over from when she brewed it last and she told me at dinner she's more than happy to give me some. I'll be all fixed up before bed." You reached for his hand, but he brought it to his pockets, nodding.

"Okay, well, get inside and get all fixed up please. I told Fred I'd let him know exactly what was going on with you, and he'll be worried if I don't go tell him." your eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "You usually wait until tomorrow to tell him, what's going on?" You were offended he wasn't going to come in and help you apply the potion, having done the same for him quite a few times.

"I really should get going. I'll talk to you soon." he left a very quick kiss on your hairline, moving to step back. "Okay? I love you." you stated firmly, but watched as he turned around and left you standing next to the entrance to Hufflepuff.

The next day, you found yourself running into the hallway with Ginny, watching as Fred and George tossed their fireworks up in the air and fly around the loose papers, laughing brightly. Fred's eyes met yours momentarily, but looked away quite quickly and moving with George to leave hogwarts in their dust, flying far away from you and all their classmates.

"What. The. Hell?" you turned to Ginny, your best friend, feeling your heart begin to rip. "Y/n, I have no idea. I don't know what just happened." Your breath was shakey as you nodded, moving to your room quickly to send him an owl.

Weeks past and you heard nothing from your boyfriend. Owls upon owls were sent his way, but nothing ever returned from him. You received one letter from Fred, but didn't open it. You didn't want to hear his version of his brothers excuse, you wanted it straight from your love. You wrote to Molly in confusion, but got a letter back with her own. She had no idea you and George had ended, confused with her son's actions.

During that summer, you still got nothing from him. You come to accept that the two of you were over, not even heading to the Burrow until the last week of summer, but your heart broke even more every time one of them looked at you with their sensitive eyes.

You found yourself fighting alongside everyone during the war, having seen their flashes of red hair once or twice. The only moment you had that was noteworthy, was the moment you stood behind the rubble, hearing Fred cry out, and quickly levitating the rubble off of him, conforming he was okay. As soon as you saw people coming to his assistance, you fled the scene, not wanting to speak with George about it.

You watched from across the room as the Weasley's hugged his body, crying tears of joy. Fred was still your brother, no matter if you talked to him or not. The last thing you would ever want was for the world to be without him. After the war was officially over, Voldemort long gone, you found yourself lost again. You wouldn't go to the Weasley's, you didn't know if Fred saw you help him and didn't want to speak to George about it.

You didn't go home, not wanting to try to explain to your muggle parents exactly what happened. Your feet lead you to the hufflepuff room, smiling as you entered it, feeling the warmth still seeping through it's walls.

You stayed behind, helping to rebuild the school. You still had a year left of schooling and you wanted to get as much time in Hogwarts as you could. But, sooner than you expected, you were officially graduated from Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Your grades immaculate and you quickly found a job in Herbology.

Your office was in Diagon Alley, working in one of the shops. Your job description being to assist students in their search for specific ingredients for potions, but also keeping the ones in the store to their best condition. After about a month, you were surprised that you still hadn't run into either of the Weasley twins, but you weren't complaining about it.

You had met with Ginny a few times for lunch, loving seeing her more than anything. You both were out, catching up on your week with each other. Listening to her go on and on about her love with Harry filled your heart. You were never upset with her for finding her true love when yours slipped through your fingers.

"Were thinking about getting a place of our own, y/n. Harry has been staying with us for the most part, having done it so often before we were together. Now, we might as well." You smiled widely at your best friend, loving how happy she was.

"Ginny, what are you doing here?" Your heart squeezed in your chest, hearing his voice. "Fred?" Ginny looked behind you at her older brother, smiling and standing to hug him. "I'm eating lunch with-" she cut herself off, not wanting to make you uncomfortable. She was the only one who knew about what you did for Fred and how you still felt about George, but never pushed you about it. She had been livid with her brother for leaving you the way he did.

"Uh, with me." You stood, turning to look at Fred. He had a few scars from the rubble that fell on him, but looked just like himself. "Y/N." he breathed out, his face lighting up with happiness. "Holy shit! I've missed you!" His arms wrapped around you quickly, pulling you to him and kissing your head. "Thank you." he whispered in your ear, holding you tighter.

You were confused at his thanks, but sharply exhaled when you realized. "You saw." you whispered back, feeling him nod. "Yeah, I looked for you for a year and a half to thank you sooner, but I couldn't find you. Ginny here wouldn't tell me where you were." You nodded, moving yourself from his arms.

"Yeah, I couldn't really bare to be around, you know." you whispered, looking at your feet. "Y/N, that's beside the point. You saved my life. You did. Even after what we did, even after how we both treated you without telling you, you saved me." This caused you to look up at the twin, who looked so much like George. You were always able to tell the difference, from the moment you met them. You didn't know how, but you could.

"Fred, you're my family. I would save you no matter what, just like you would me." You reached to brush some hair from his eyes, smiling.

"You did what?" It was now George's voice that filled your ears, causing you to turn around and look into his own eyes. "Nope, nope, nope, not doing this. Not ready." You felt your breath quicken, moving to grab your purse and kiss Ginny on her cheeks. "I'll owl you about next time. Bye." You put a few coins down for your lunch, seeing as it was your turn to pay, then moved past Fred quickly.

"Y/N!" All three of them called out for you, but you raced through the streets of Diagon Alley. You weren't immediately going back to work, not wanting them to know where it was. Your feet carried you past a building and into it's alleyway, your eyes clutching closed. This time, you outran him.

"Y/N." he whispered, standing in front of you. Or not.

"No, George. No. No, no, no." Your hands went to grip your hair, squeezing it. You had panic attacks before the war, George knew that, but they increased considerably after it. It had been a few days sense your last, but this one was coming on quickly.

"Hey, hey love, it's all right. I'm right here." He slipped your hands from your hair, moving them to your sides then hugged you tightly. One of the things he learned during your relationship was, holding you as tightly as he could, letting your senses fill with him, helped incredibly. While you wished they wouldn't this time, your body found itself calming down like it did each time in school.

"Hey, it's okay. Come on." He grasped your hand softly, knowing how tired panic attacks left you. Your body was still shaking softly, and you knew if you spoke, you'd be a stuttering mess. He lead you back around and into the shop, causing you to laugh at your own misfortune. Of course you'd try to hide behind his own building. He guided you into the foreign store, you not having stepped foot into it once. Before you had time to register the absolute wonder of it all, he had you upstairs into the flat and sitting on their couch. "Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, I know we have some."

He had left you to walk into the kitchen, searching for their normal candy, not wanting to make you puke or cause your hair to turn orange. "Ah." he quickly moved next to you, protecting you like he used to as kids.

"George." you whispered after you calmed, keeping your eyes from his. "No, let me, please." He took your hand with one of his, the other guiding your head to look into his. "I was so, so, so idiotic. When you told me about your detention, I thought it was my fault. If you weren't dating me, she wouldn't have ever thought you were handing out products. Fred and I had already planned to leave, but I told him to move it up. I don't know how many times I wrote to you, but tore it up before I sent it. Then, during the war, I don't know how I didn't just walk up to you and keep you protected in my arms. It killed me to know something could happen to you and I wouldn't protect you from it. Now, I'm hearing you saved Fred. You protected yourself and him at the same time. I was an idiot to ever think that you couldn't protect yourself. I was an absolute git for leaving you like I did." you had hardly breathed while he spoke, your tears falling just as freely as his.

You nodded, kissed his cheek, stood up, and apparated home without a single word.

You sat in your own living room, breathing treatment done, your hair pulled up in a ridiculous bun, and your face mask sitting on your face. You had cried your eyes out for hours when you arrived home, but you couldn't let yourself be hurt by George Weasley again. You had your legs pulled up, a book in your hand, as you tried not to cry yet again. The whistle of your tea kettle brought you out of your own world. Setting your book down, you moved to your kitchen. After taking it off the heat, a owl flew into your kitchen, looking at you.

"Y/N, come to the burrow quick, it's Ginny." The words were scribbled in the handwriting of Harry, and you immediately apparated into the living room you spent so long in. Only, the lights were dim, the candles lit, and it just about silent. You heard a muggle record playing, and looked around the room.

"Ginny? Harry? Molly?" you called out, moving to the kitchen. Only, you were met with your ex boyfriend, standing there himself. "I don't know. I got a letter from Ginny saying mom was unwell." He spoke, looking around the kitchen. "I got one from Harry about Ginny." you said, but let out a screech of fear as the doors slammed shut.

"You're not getting out until you make up and promise me I get to be the maid of honor at your wedding." Ginny's voice filled the air, causing both of your eyes to widen. "I'm best man!" you heard Fred call out, causing you to let out a light laugh.

"Guys, let us out." George said, moving to the door. "No, make up, make out, make babies." Fred said, a smirk heard through his words.

George turned to you, looking into your eyes. "I know, were stuck." you said, laughing softly. You felt confused with yourself. While you were absolutely heartbroken with the man before you, you felt as comfortable with him as you did before. "I'm sorry I left you like that. You didn't deserve it." You spoke first, looking at him.

"I kinda did." he chuckled, scratching the back of his neck. "Yeah, you did." you said, looking into his eyes. "I'm so sorry love." He said, moving closer to you.

"George Weasley, I am beyond mad at you. I am beyond hurt with you. You broke me into tiny pieces. You were my protector, my best friend, and the love of my life, and you left me. Without a second look, you left me." You said, looking at him, letting your feeling spill from your lips. "You protected me from the one thing you thought I needed protecting from most, yourself. While you are a complete and utter git for it, I understand." you finally voiced your true thoughts to him, biting the inside of your cheek.

"While I will be so absolutely terrified you'll leave me again without a second look, incredibly insecure of myself every single day, the only thing I want more than anything is for you to kiss me again. And while I can't promise you marriage or kids like your family wants right now, I'm giving you a chance. But George, if you break me again, I will hex you so hard." You spoke, looking at the man.

He didn't speak a single word, but wrapped his arms around your face like he did oh so many times, and kissed you like his entire life depended on it. Collided your faces together, your bodies together, just like your souls did so many years ago.

You collided.

[imagines-by-a-typical-fangirl]

Californian Dream (Pt. 11 of 11)

Pairing: Billy Hargrove X Reader

Word count: 2.3 K

Summary: Being part of one of the richest families of California doesn't mean you're happy. Your life is boring, and you're surrounded by meaningless people and their meaningless talk. Even during Summer, with the break you have from college, there's nothing good going on. Nothing but the new pool guy, Billy, the most handsome man you ever saw. You were successfully avoiding him, not wanting to act like an idiot in front of the guy until Billy accepts to be your date for a fancy gala you're forced to attend. The night was going well, even better when he sneaked you out to go to the beach. But a gang of criminals breaks into the party, kidnapping the heirs to the wealthiest families, which includes you. So, for your safety, your parents want you to stay with Billy, living in his apartment until the criminals are caught. And that could take weeks, maybe even months.

Warnings: Light violence

<- Previous part (10)

{Stranger Things Masterlist}

{Dacre Montgomery Masterlist}

×

California Never Felt Like Home

Even though he's not going anywhere any time soon, you hook one leg around his waist, just to pull him a little closer. “You're my prisoner now.” You mutter, sleep still clouding your voice.

“I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.” He answers, placing kisses all over your face.

“The good part is that we'll have all the afternoon to ourselves.” You giggle, moving to lay on your back with Billy hovering over you.

“I'll take you to see the sunset on that beach you like. Completely desert.” He says in a low voice. “If we survive your parents.”

“We already did.” Kissing him, you move to lie on top of him. “It'll be at this super expensive, fancy restaurant, so it means they won't yell at me or put on a show.”

“Sometimes I think you should consider what you're giving up.” He gets sad suddenly, sighing. You know what he's thinking about, and it will take time for Billy to see and understand this is what you really want.

“I'm giving up a huge house I never felt like it was mine. Lots of money that never brought me happiness.” In between the words, you place kisses all over his face. “But what I'm getting...? God, it's amazing.” Sitting up, you straddle his hips. “I got real friends now, and a home. And an awesome boyfriend who doesn't compare to the assholes on my parents' list.”

“I'm so happy I'm around to see the good daughter rebelling.” He sits up too, strong arms encircling your waist. “You look so good, little rebel.”

“You're just saying that because I'm wearing your shirt.” Wrapping your arms around his neck, you raise an eyebrow. Yesterday, you decided to pick one of his shirts to put on instead of your regular pajamas.

“Babe, you look good on everything. But I gotta admit seeing you wearing my clothes is very hot.”

Smiling, you can't help but blush. “We still have a few hours, so I think we can maybe make out for a while?” Biting your lip at his smirk, you giggle.

“Starting the day off with good ideas already.” He mutters, holding you up and throwing you back on the mattress. “This is the first day of the rest of your lives, you know that, right? Because I'm never letting you go. Unless you get tired of me.”

“I don't think I'll ever get tired of you, so yes...” Caressing his cheek, you take a deep breath, the sunlight illuminating his face. “The very first day of the rest of our lives.”

•••

The morning bliss had to be interrupted. But, as you sit across from your mother at the restaurant, you don't feel scared, or nervous. You feel perfectly fine. You're not dressed for this place, you can see it in your mother's eyes, but you don't care. You like the clothes you're wearing, and your mother's disgusting stare makes you chuckle under your breath. Making yourself comfortable, you ignore the silence. Nobody is saying anything, and your father has been staring at Billy as if he could kill him with his stare.

“So... I believe you want an explanation.” You start, cupping your hands together above the table. “Billy and I are dating. And I'll be living with him.”

“Is it some kind of joke?” Your mother interrupts, leaning closer. “You can't possibly think I'll believe you'll do that.” You're about to say something when she raises a hand, and you shut your mouth. “I get it, (Y/N). Billy is good looking, he has this appeal, he's different from the guys you're used to, rougher around the edges, I get all that. But this? This is insane.”

It's only a matter of time for the insults to begin, you're aware of that. “That's not all, mother.” You add, not even considering giving her a proper answer. “I'm not going to course Law anymore. I'll look for something I actually like. And go to the public University.”

“What the–”

“I have a good job now, at a store of diving equipment and I love it.” Cutting your father short, you raise your voice just a little. “That's my life now. I'm not going back to the house, but I want you both to know that I'll visit, of course, and you can visit me whenever you want and–”

“I'm not going to let you throw your entire life on the trash because of the freaking pool guy.” Your father's voice storms out, making a few people look your way. He does seem a little embarrassed, but definitely angry. “This man–” He points at Billy, and you hold his hand under the table. “–he can give you nothing. Nothing. What do you have in life, Hargrove? I shitty job, a tiny apartment. Do you think you can provide to someone like my daughter?” There it is. The insults. And, knowing exactly what Neil told Billy, you won't let your father treat him this way.

“You wanna know what Billy gave me, father?” Smiling, you begin. “He gave me a life. I never felt truly happy, never. Not in our mansion, or those fancy galas, or wearing fashionable clothes. Never. But with the pool guy, as you call him, in his tiny apartment with his lowlife friends? I finally felt something. I finally felt life was worth living.”

“Alright.” He slams his fist on the table, glancing at your mother, a mean smile on his face. “If you insist on doing this, I'll disown you.” He giggles, a hand half covering his mouth. “You won't see any cents from me anymore. Is that what you want?”

He looks like he got everything figured out. Exchanging a stare with Billy, you can tell he's worried. Does he think you'll fall for this? Squeezing his hand a little and smiling, you try to reassure him. He must feel awful, seated here, and listening to all this shit. “I–”

The waiter comes and you're cut short, waiting for your parents to order whatever they want to eat. “Oh, finally. We'll want Muffin Pan Shrimp Ragoon. Thought I'll give my kid one last decent lunch at a decent restaurant. What do you think?”

Seriously? “I can't eat that.” You think it's so obvious, but by the look on your father's face, he doesn't get it.

“What? Do you want to order something more expensive as a goodbye to your good life?”

“She's allergic to shrimp,” Billy speaks for the first time, his voice strong and deep. Both your parents look a little surprised, but soon enough recognition comes to their faces.

They completely forgot, but it doesn't bother you. You're happy Billy actually remembered it. You only mentioned it once, at the gala. “It's alright, though. We'll have lunch by the beach.” You tell them, smiling at Billy.

“Let me guess...” He dismisses the waiter with a gesture of his hand. “Sandwiches and soda?”

“Actually, yes.” Exclaiming, you stand up, and Billy does the same. It's over. You told them what's gonna happen now, and they have to make peace with that. And if your father wants to change his will and cut you out of it, so be it. “I made them myself and they're delicious.”

“For goodness sake.” Your mother mutters, running a hand through her hair. “Honey, please think this through, alright? Your house will be opened whenever you want to come back.”

“Thanks, mom. I will visit, I promise.” That said, you smile at them before turning away, hand in hand with Billy, walking away from the table.

“You better wipe off your bank account, (Y/N), because you'll never get a penny from me again!” Your father yells, and you simply wave at him, not even bothering to look back.

When you're outside, you feel light-headed, relieved. “This wasn't as bad as it could be.” You breathe out, walking to where Billy parked his car, a block away.

“Did he mean it? About disowning you?” He sounds serious, despite the smile that's on your face.

Turning around without letting go of his hand, you start walking backward. “I don't give a damn.” Speaking slowly, you wink at him, stopping suddenly and letting him come closer by himself before grabbing the collar of his shirt and tiptoeing to kiss him, sweet and slow.

“What the– (Y/N)?” Someone calls and since you do know who it is, you keep kissing Billy for a while longer. “Holy shit.”

It makes you giggle when he pulls your closer, deepening the kiss. But eventually, you have to breathe, so you break apart, a smile on your lips.

“Care to explain why the hell you're making out with the pool guy? In public?” Daniel says as you turn to face him. He has a girl with him, but you don't know who she is. He seems better, given the time he spent held hostage. “Have you lost your mind, girl?”

Sighing, you roll your eyes at him. You have a lunch date on the beach, and you don't wanna waste any more time with meaningless people. “Yeah. I'm dating the pool guy.” You tell him, shrugging your shoulders. “Actually, I'm in love with the pool guy. And now I work at a scuba diving store, so you can come up with some kind of name for me too, but you wanna know what? I don't give a damn.” Pulling Billy harder, you start walking again. “I'd love to say that we'll be seeing each other soon, but we won't. So... Goodbye, Daniel.” Turning on your heels, you leave the couple behind.

The drive to the beach is short, and instead of sitting on the sand, you chose to seat on the hood of his car. Which he now calls Lily, and you peacefully eat the sandwiches and drink the soda. You wouldn't trade it for all the money in the world. The ocean, the sunlight, the fresh wind messing with your hair. The simple food, the hood of his car... And him. Billy is certainly the best part. Having him here is indescribable, and knowing you'll go back home with him is even better.

“So... Will you help me chose something to major in?” You ask as he helps you climb off of the hood, taking your hand and starting to walk down the beach.

“Actually, I have some fresh news coming straight from Jason.” He says, a bright smile on his lips.

Furrowing your eyebrows, you stop to look at him. “What news...?”

“Mr. and Mrs. Heeler, from the store.” Billy starts, putting a strand of hair behind your ear. “They want to retire and they're thinking about passing the store over to you and Jason since they don't have any relatives. If you both agree on being associates.”

“Oh my God!” You exclaim, tiptoeing to crash your lips on his. “This is amazing.”

“Please act surprised when Jason tells you.” In a sudden motion, Billy reaches for your thighs, pulling you up and wrapping your legs around his waist. Using his shoulder for balance, you giggle. “He didn't want me to tell you but I couldn't resist.”

“This is just awesome. This is...” Taking a deep breath, you take a look at the ocean. The sound of the waves crashing is low and calming, and the way the sunlight reflects on the water shines like liquid silver. Then, you look at Billy again, his smile warming up your heart. “I love you.” You haven't said it yet, but it feels like the right time. And this is how you feel. You've never been in love before, but you know how this is how it feels. Like someone owns your whole heart. “I'm not sure if you feel the same but I just need you to know that–”

“I'm completely in love with you.” Billy cuts you off, bouncing you up a little and making the way back to his car. “I have been for a while and that scared the hell out of me.” When you reach Lily, he puts you down on the hood, remaining in between your legs. “But now... I'm sure of it. I want a life with you. A future.”

Blushing, you smile, your forehead touching Billy's. “So that thing you said about me getting to pick the kid's names...” You tease, placing a kiss on the corner of his lips.

“I mean it, if...” Pulling away from a little, he locks eyes with you. “If you don't pick something silly like the name you insisted on giving my car.”

“It's not silly!” Playfully, you try to push him away, giggling when he grabs your sides, tickling you. “Alright! Alright!” After a while you manage to stop him, his hands going back to your hips. “We'll pick names we both like. How does it sound?”

“It sounds like we're talking about kids even before getting married.”

“What?” Furrowing your eyebrows, you try to process what the hell he just said. “Sorry, I thought you heard you talking about...”

“I never felt like the type for marriage but, God, I want to marry you,” Billy exclaims, connecting his lips to yours.

You have a lot to say, a lot of things to ask, but you surrender to the kiss instead. This is all the answers you need. His lips on yours, on this paradise on Earth.

California never felt like home because home isn't a place, but a person. Billy is your home. Wherever you are, if he's with you, it's the right place. Nothing else needs to be said. The life you had before vanished like smoke in the air, and this is even better than everything you could ever dream of. Not all the money in the world can buy this moment, and you don't regret a thing. Love is far more important, and now that you found it, nothing will make you let it go.

×

@multific @dontxfearxthereaper @nope-thanks @nikkixostan @shinydixon @clockworkballerina @infinitelycharmed23 @lilred91 @moatsnow

[weenie-extraordinaire]

Fuckin'... back in high school, I hung out with my high school friends, I don't really keep in touch with any of them anymore these days, you know, you just drift apart and sometimes the drift is helped along by dating a friend's ex or various dick moves, whatever. Anyways.

So back in high school, I'd tend to spend the Friday nights at one or another friend's house, because I lived way far out, or I'd take my bike and ride in from way far out. And the one Dude, he was pretty alright, and if I was staying the night we'd go get hot food. My Pal would let his mom know in advance and she'd do up cheap snacky stuff, cheap but good. Chum, he lived out near me, and so did Guy. But my other Buddy, that was a different story. His parents were way better off, and he preferred hosting us at his place because his house was a lot bigger than either Dude or Pal's places, especially because we liked to game and he had the big TV so we could do four player splitscreen, or we'd pack down an extra TV, bring out the spare smaller TV too, so we could fit four to the big TV and two on their own screens, depending who all was there that weekend, LAN it up. D&D games too, we did a weekly session for days and finished with all night gaming through into Saturday.

Now that that's laid all out, Buddy's parents were stingy, so we always had to sort out our own food, and Buddy? He learned stingy from his parents. He'd suggest we order out for pizzas, so we'd get two pies to split four ways, and he'd scarf nearly half of both pies. He would always offer to pay the tip and pay with fucking small change coins off his bedroom floor. And he'd always tip super miserly too. It was always a hassle. Dude would take the piss out of him for it, but Buddy didn't care. Sometimes we'd even just go for hot food for takeaway, and we'd have to not share with each other or buddy would take it as an open invite to dig in. We'd get our own 2Ls of soda pop just so we'd be able to drink only what we brought ourselves. There were no dinners, no snacks, no raiding the fridge or freezer. We'd buy frozen stuff to cook in the oven and he'd help himself to the lions share even when we brought it from the store ourselves.

So this one time, we're doing our usual snack run to the grocery store. Buy sodas for ourselves, whatever we're gonna have to eat, whatever snacks we want. And this time, they got a sick sale on Freezes, you know, freeze pops. A tube of sugar water you freeze and then crunch on. I loved those things, tasty, and I got them for 4 for a buck, so I got a dozen, I was like hell yeah, I can take these home after I leave tomorrow, I'll have some for home. I stash them in the freezer to stay frozen, I eat two that night, nice, still got ten.

But tomorrow, we wake up, pack up, and head out. And oops, since I was packing my Xbox this time, I was paying more attention to not forgetting my console than my treats. No big deal I think, I'm sure they'll be there next Friday, won't need to go get more, just whatever soda I want and we can order pizza. We show up Friday, we're settling in, getting out our character sheets, and I go to the freezer to grab one frosty cold ice treat. Open the door and... They're not there. "Hey man, what happened to the Freezes I left last weekend?"

"Oh, those? You forgot them here, so..."

I turn and look at him. He knows that I know that he knew they were mine. He mumbles, "I mean, you left them here, I figured it'd be fine."

And I'm pissed. "Yeah, I figured it'd be fine if you had a couple. I wouldn't've minded. But fucking all of them, Buddy? There were ten fucking Freezes in there, you ate ten of them in less than a week?"

But you know what? I wasn't gonna get mad. Well, not more mad. I wasn't gonna get even. I wasn't gonna have a tantrum like a child. I was going to show the maturity of my seventeen years and be a petty asshole about it. "Whatever." I don't think he expected me to just drop it like that, but what he didn't know then was that from that point on, I never, ever, ever left anything of mine at his place ever again. I always made sure not to forget so much as a can of Pepsi or a chocolate bar. Also I took the $3 I paid for the dozen Freezes off his bedroom floor. I wasn't joking when I said he paid the pizza delivery driver with floor change.

He didn't fucking learn though, because he pulled the same shit with the weed we bought when we went to see Judas Priest live in concert. Asshole smoked it all even though me and Guy paid for it. We told him to pay us back for it, and he gave us a single crumpled bud out of a whole zip lock baggy and tried to call it even.

So yeah, we don't really hang out much these days.

I hate how white people invented the we don’t owe each other anything mindset

[thorntonkrell-blog-blog]

I was born in the 20th century and spent at least 55 years there. I was young, enthusiastic and hopeful. By the end of the century I was at my peak professionally. My parents were alive and so was Mr. Baseball, Johnny Crown and Dan MacMurray. All five of them are gone now as well as many, many others.

If the twentieth century was my birthmother than I left claw marks on her uterus trying to stay where I was. The twenty first century was pushing but I resisted it for the first 22 years.

I didn't have a cell phone...didn't want one. I didn't wear a watch. Didn't need one. I had all the clocks that I needed and a wife to tell me what day it was if I needed a reminder.

I was living in my home town where I had spent my entire life. I had plenty of friends and was well regarded in my community. My computer skills were up to date. I could word process. I knew my way around photoshop. I loved my digital camera. I read books without a kindle. I went to the video shops every week.I listened to the Yankees on the radio or went to a Red Wings game at Red wing/Silver/stadium

Yeah, the weather was Rochester shitty, all gray and cloudy but I had become used to it. I could use the oppressive darkness as an excuse for my many moods. When I needed to get away, I had a cottage on Canandaigua Lake.

Change was on the horizon. I wasn't looking for a light at the end of the tunnel, yeah that light may have been a locomotive coming at me.

Gradually, I began to social network. I got a kindle and started building my library. I got prostate cancer . After undergoing radiation and profound fatigue, I "recovered". The Doctor advised us to head down South which we had been hankering to do anyways. We sold our share of the cottage, packed up our gear, sold our house and headed to North Carolina.

We had family near Charlotte who had made the move before us, so we wouldn't be strangers. When we got here, they helped us get settled.

I kept up with my Rochester friends on Facebook. I stashed my photos on Flickr. I'd gone about as far as I wanted to go with technology.

My exuberance had occasionally turned into exhaustion as we made our way through the first two decades of the twenty first century. Lynn does almost all of the driving. I concentrate on a 5 mile radius which is all I need. Within that five miles there's a hospital, a couple of grocery stores and my doctor's office.

Of course as a Boomer I could go on and on but I'm pretty sure that you've had enough setup by now and you get my drift. I remained anchored in the twentieth century until Christmas 2021.

Lynn bought me a cell phone for when we go the mall in case I get lost (or she loses me) which has happened already and I had to get a mall cop to find her.

8 months into it, I'm hooked on my phone. Can't figure out how I got along without it.

Last week, she bought me an Apple watch which keeps track of everything that I do and has introduced me to my new favorite form of exercise; "standing around". Yup, the watch actually sets a goal for time standing along with everything else including how much time I take to wash my hands. Plus, I'm told that I can talk into the goddamned thing like Dick Tracy did in the comics or like Don Adams did with his shoe in Get Smart.

Yesterday, she bought me some new sneaks, black Nike airs with white trim which I can use on our treadmill. I've never used the treadmill before and had contempt for it. Why the hell would anybody run in place when there was a great big beautiful world outside ready to be appreciated. Well, the current heat wave prohibits walking around outdoors which leads to standing around indoors or sitting down watching teevee or lying down on the couch reading/resting my eyes.

Plus we just joined a brand new rec center which caters to"senior" citizens. I didn't want to hang around with old people until I came to the realization that I was twenty years older than the most junior seniors. We use the indoor track and last week I was one of only two men taking chair yoga along with 38 women, most of them previous blondes. I even went so far as to say "namaste" at the end of the class.

Lynn has been telling our daughter Mary about all the changes that I've been going through and Mary is thrilled that I'm "finally in the 21rst century.

So there we were last night; me in my new Nikes with my phone in my pocket and my watch on my wrist. We cooked up some meatless burgers on our Weber grill and poured a couple of light beers.

I put some dressing on the top of my burger and reached for the ketchup. The 21rst century ketchup containers are stored upside down to eliminate shake and anticipation. So here I am, all modern getting ready to put the ketchup on my burger.

I flip back the top and start squeezing. Nothing is coming out. I tried to non-chalantly put the ketchup back before Lynn noticed my hapless struggle. Too late.

"What's the problem"

"The ketchup won't come out"

"You've got to be kidding me. Let me see it."

I hand her the ketchup. She rolls her eyes and says, "watch this".

She screws off the top of the container which reveals a protective adhesive lid. She peeled off the lid. She squirted some ketchup on her burger. She looked at me as if I was moron from another century.

I offered the usual weak excuse.

"This is why I don't like these modern ketchup containers. Back in my day, it was a whole lot easier. The ketchup bottles were right side up. You turned them upside down and shook the bottle until the ketchup came out."

She was ready for that one.

"When's the last time that you opened a bottle OR container of ketchup"

I honestly couldn't remember. They always seemed to be open

"For the last fifty years they've had a lid on top of the ketchup to prevent sickos from contaminating the ketchup."

All of a sudden, with my watch and Nikes and phone and light beer and electric grill, I stepped back into the twentieth century before sickos started dropping poison into ketchup containers.

What else could I do but laugh at my own anachronism, thankful for the twentieth century including some of the concerns that we have now that we didn't have then.

We had our meal and proceeded into the the twenty first century.

We turned on our cable, streaming teevee and learned that the home of a former president had been raided by the FBI and that thirty years from now the current heat wave will feel like an oasis as heat and flood will make large portions of the earth uninhabitable and subsequent flooding will destroy Oregon and California.

If we don't have a civil war in the meantime.

Let's hope we're all not looking at a locomotive but in the meantime, let's enjoy the tunnel. Let's believe in magic. Let's hold onto hope.

We can't get back in the womb.

[ophir-pacifica]

( music goes along with chapter :) )

Talylia's POV

     It had been a day like any other, awaking around 10 am, leaving for work etc-I guess you could say I was fine with that seemly incredible schedule, I mean I adore my job, l get to even sleep in practically every day. I mean I've got everything in place, but, ultimately something constantly felt off. Like deep down in fractions of me. I felt so entirely, and utterly empty inside- it's gradually starting to frighten me. Like the fear gutting pain that evolves and surges deep inside my abdomen, and gradually consumes its way up my body- sorta way. But I brush my thoughts away- I look up at the clock on my neatly looking wooden desk- it was nearly 11 pm- and I had an endless supply amount of books I still had to put away- this is going to be a long night- A gentle sigh escapes my throat and I proceed to get up to put the novels away. I gradually pick up the pile, proceeding to go and arrange them in their proper spot. It's was presumably around 11:45 pm when I was eventually finished. I proudly glanced around at the empty-looking library around me. I sigh and run one of my hands through my darkly lengthy blackish hair-

    I operated the library for the most part- my best friend and part-time partner Liam- assist the store with me in his extra time- but it's primarily me that works long term and such-putting all the books that the customers have returned and as well help check out shoppers as well. It was alright though- I always cherished the silence. It was seemingly so peaceful to me- and as well I was never a people person. I could chat with customers of course but on awful days- Liam would come in and have to assist me. I have been diagnosed with severe panic attack disorder. I have had it my entire life. But ever since the tragedy that happened to my parents- it got a lot of hell worse- I take medicine regularly but Liam has definitely supported me greatly. He's truly my best friend. We are certainly close but we've never dated- though I will admit- seeing him as he helped me through so many things through the years, we've known each other but- I can't help but wonder what if we were something more-

     I should probably get going, I snatch my stuff and head over to the two double clear doors that lead to the outside. I slightly grin realizing that I'll eventually be able to get some rest when I get home.

The drive on the way back to my home wasn't too horrible- a little traffic here and there but mainly a clear night- I usually don't spend so much time at work but I wanted to check some personal things such as my emails and wanted to make sure the library was up to date with the bills and such. I can't fall behind on payments again- Liam had to help me with a few months of payments because the library wasn't doing so well in the past few months- I sure love technology and all but it's killing the library. All I see is people on their phones. I get it but seriously. I mean I love just going out- just imagine getting up and getting ready- then after eating some breakfast, before  walking out the door, smelling the beautiful crisp air as you walk out of the house, then walking down the sidewalk a while and then into the local library. The smell of the books filling your lungs. You breathe it all in and smile, then passionately you look for your favorite book. Then walkng over and snuggling up in a chair, reading for hours. Ah- what a perfect day that would be...

     I snap out of my thoughts notice I'm pulling into my driveway. Oh yeah- I probably shouldn't keep imagining things while I'm driving. I sigh and turn the car off. I unbuckle my seatbelts while simultaneously grabbing my papers and other work-related things. I make my way to my small buildings and trudge up the stairs to my apartment floor. Sadly I lived on the 4th floor so- climbing up 4 to 5 flights of stairs isn't the greatest because of course- we don't have an elevator. I've asked the landlord many times to reconsider this due to that a lot of people complain about it other than myself. But to no avail, he still won't even consider it.

      He says that the costs for an actual elevator are so expensive and he himself is already behind in bills so he usually says of I wanna keep the place I have- I'd keep my mouth shut. I'm looking for possible better apartments as it is but it's hard to find cheap apartments right now- and my budget is already tight as it is from the previous months so I guess I just have to deal with the jackass of a landlord. I trudge up the last flight of stairs and walk down a little way to the last door in the hallway.

Finally my apartment. I struggle a bit fumbling with my stuff- trying to get my keys from my bag.

AHAH

Gotcha.

     I pushed the key into the lock and opened the door. I sluggishly swept in- softly shutting the door quietly behind me. I already of had a complaint from the neighbors saying I "shut my door so fucking loudly"- I still don't understand how I am but I can't afford to get kicked out right now so- I have to be more aware I suppose- well that is until I find a new place.

    As I walk into the small looking kitchen- I drop off my things and sigh looking over and around my apartment-

The Kitchen-

Glancing in approval- then averting my eyes into the living rooms...

Living Room-

Sighing in happiness- I retreated to the bathroom. Scanning it all up and down.

Bathroom-

After I did my business, I washed my hands under the warming water- after I retreated back and dried my hands. I then walked out and turned down the hallway making my way down to my room.

Hallway- ( cuz why not 😂)

And finally making my way to my bedroom. I  lightly open the door and walk in seeing my room gave me such relief. I didn't know how much I just missed my room. I guess part of me wishes to just stay in my room forever but I know that's not how life works. I have to work and I must push through- shaking my intrusive thoughts away. I look around and see my cat Malachi curled up in a ball in the center of my bed. I lightly giggle and go up to him.

Bedroom- ( And Malachi :3 )

I make my way over to him and gently pet his head. He stirs a bit- looking up at me. He purrs and pushes his head slightly inward so that my hand as more access to his neck. I happily then scratch his neck with my fingernails. I smile and then retreat to go close to the door. Malachi perks his head up for a minute before retreating back to his original position. I go and change into my pajamas and hop into the bed next to Malachi. I slightly nudge him to move over and he gets up and moves over a little bit- leaving me a little space. I laugh.

"Malachi, you know I sleep here too right?" I say looking at him now. He meets my gaze and he gives me the "I know but don't care" look. I roll my eyes, then give his head a little peck before laying down.

I plugged my phone into my charger and drifted off to sleep...

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This is the first chapter of my new book  Collision! I hope you guys enjoy it!!  Leave a comment down below what you guys think?!

-Ophilea💕

LINK TO FULL STORY

https://my.w.tt/DRliUfy8n9

[unqueenlybiscuits]

K-pop hates your nasally tone.

fuck you and your cow

You Don't Mess With The Zohan Script

   You don't mess with the Zohan!  Come disco.  No, no, no.I no disco, I make the fish.  Danny, come on, go disco.  Oh, okay. Disco!  Danny, that looks good. You're gonnabe a hit at your bar mitzvah.  So okay, Mr. Big Penachim,I no see you disco.  No, no, no. I making dagim.I no disco.  A real man, he can discoand cooking dagim.  So let's go.  Go, go.  I get the hummus for you.  And for you.  Little for me, eh!  No.  No.  Kapara, what is going on!  Just some bullshit-uchen.  Let's go!  Hey, I'm on vacation here.Can't you see this!  You promised me time off.Get someone else to do it.  Are they gonna hurt him!  No one can hurt the Zohan.  - Bye, Zohan.- Take care, man.  The terrorist known as Phantom...  ...was spotted yesterday at aHacky Sack tournament in Beirut.  He may be have been trying tobait us by surfacing briefly.  We believe he's being kept in a safehouse on the Lebanon border.  How is we lose Phantom!  Didn't I capture Phantomthree months ago!  What, you didn't hearabout the trade!  What trade!  Zohan, we gave back the Phantom.  No!  What do you mean,we give back the Phantom!  Zohan, relax.  It was a good trade.We got back Etan and David.  That's all we gotfor a veteran terrorist!  Come on, we got hosed here.  They threw in a spyto be named later.  Come on, Zohan,you have to like that deal.  Maybe they're talking about Ze'ev.  Ze'ev.Come on, he's not even a good spy.  He got caught, for God's sake.He's a stupid.  Our plan is to enter the building fromthe front with a team of eight men...  ...with an additional 12 menat perimeter positions.  Unfortunately, there is a highprobability of collateral damage...  ...including property and loss of life,on both sides.  Okay, here we go.  Excuse me!  Come on, is it not saferto send one man into building...  ...with minimal coverageto take out the target...  ...instead of blowing uphalf the neighborhood!  Well, who would do that!  Oh, "who would do that!"  You know you weregoing to ask the Zohan.  Zohan, why you say this!  I just laid out an entire planwhich didn't rely on you.  Come on, Yaron,you're setting me up.  All this talk of civilian casualties,then of course I end up doing it.  - But I'm not even asking you to do it.- All right, I'll do it.  Give me Avi and Koby as watch,I'll get it done without the mess.  Well, thank you. You didn't have to.  Oh, I didn't have to, bullschlassah.  Have some Fizzy Bubblech.  "Kiwi watermelon"! Yeah, is good.  "Avalon."  Chunky cuts.  Zohan, what are you doing!The girls are here.  I know, I was watching television.  Well, if you want to have fun with us,we're right next door.  - Good with the sticky, you should do it.- No, no, no.  I am going to dinner with my parents.Just leave me alone.  - All right, all right.- It is all right!  You don't giggle at the Zohan.  You hear me!No giggling at the Zohan.  You never giggle at the Zohan.  What's the matter, tatele?  You haven't touchedyour baba ganoush.  What would you think if I tell you...  ...I want to leaving the army,start a new life!  Why would you do that!You are good at it. It's steady pay.  You can't leave,you're one of their best.  Besides, you are too oldto take a risk.  Stay in the army, play it safe.  There's other things I can dobesides war.  You don't war.  - I was in the real war.- I know, I know the story.  1967.  We were surrounded on all sides,outnumbered.  - And in six days, we...- And in six days, we won.  You won. I'm sorry,I don't have a big, fancy war...  ...that lasted all of six days...  Six days and five hours.Your generation likes to forget that.  Dad, I've done so muchfor the country. When does it end!  They've been fighting for 2000 years.It can't be much longer.  All of my friends servedthe minimum three years.  Why can't I move on!Do something else.  Something more creative.  Creative, what!  You've caught so many terrorists,it's an art.  You're like Rembrandtwith a grenade.  What will you do!  Maybe go to America.  What, and haggle overstereo equipment!  Wait a minute, Ya'acov.  Uncle Levi will set you upat electronic store.  You make money, sow yourcreative oats, you come back.  No, I don't want to doelectronics store.  Then how will you make money!  I don't want to say.  Zohan, if you can't tell your parents,who can you tell!  Come, Zohanele.  I want to cut...  ...and style hair.  You... You fagala?  He's fag... Faga...  I like hair. It's pleasant,it's peaceful, no one gets hurt.  Well, you're only diggingthat fagala hole deeper and deeper.  Hello, down there!Hello, in the fagala hole.  Maybe he wants Vaseline.  Yes, it's so funny.  I just want to make peoplesilky smooth.  You know the Phantom will try to run,so be ready for this.  - Zohan, now!- So let's go.  The Zohan.  Freeze!  I get it, I get it,you guys don't like our country.  So we are the bad ones.  I'd love to sit and discuss thiswith you, but I'm short on time.  I'm just saying.It's not so cut-and-dry.  We settled herefor hundreds of years!  Good point.  None of my ancestors ever steppedfoot in this land. No, you're right.  Hey, don't walk away!  Come out, come out,wherever you are.  Hello, jackass.  You think you can oppress my people,landgrabber!  But I will never disappear.  No one can catch Phantom!  So let's go.  Very good.  Sorry. It's for the cause.  Zohan.  Zohan, bring it.  Why you do this! I feel no pain.  No, no, no. I feel no pain.  - I feel no pain. This is too much...- No, no, no. I feel no pain.  I have told you in other fights.  No, no, no. I kill you right now.  Look, look, look.  The piranha,it looks very painful for you.  Is good, is good.  Is very nice. Yes, yes.  Fizzy Bubblech for me.  You like what you see!  Time to die.  So let's go.  Okay, game over.  Yeah!  I kill!  I kill the Zohan!  Zohan is dead.  The Phantom!  Cutting the hair,this makes something beautiful.  Instead of shooting it.  That's why I had to fake to die.  I could have captured Phantom again,but for what! They trade him.  I love my country,but the fighting, it never ends.  It's like Mr. Scrappy, you bite Coco.  Coco, you bite him back.  Soon you are both having worms,eating your own poopech...  I understand. The pills.  Your parents thinkthey know what's best for you.  Sleep.  It's all about not getting recognized.  I know how great I lookedin the beard...  but I'll make this work for me,you'll see.  Rise and shine, guys.Good morning.  Is nice, huh!  It's the Avalon.  It says I care about the way I look,but I'm still approachable.  Oh, you like this!  Who wants to go next, guys!Who wants to look silky smooth!  Yes. Yes.  Oh, where are my two little babies!Oh, come on.  Come on out, Scrappy, come on out.Come to Mama, Mr. Coco.  Mr. Scrappy. Coco.What happened!  Who gave you permissionto do this, huh!  Who did! Answer me.  Scrappy, was it you!It was you, wasn't it!  You're always the instigator.  Bad dog. You are a very bad dog.Never again are you gonna travel.  Take me to the Paul Mitchellhair salon.  - First time in New York!- Yes, my friend.  So, what brings you here!  I have a dream.  I had a dream too.  What dream you have!  My dream was to come to America...  ...and make enough moneyto send for me brothers and sisters...  ...so that we all could enjoyfreedom together.  - This is good dream.- Oh, yes, it is.  - Is dream come true!- No, man.  Me brothers and sisterswere hacked to death.  But I love the Chinese food here.It's incredible.  - Hey, you forgot these.- Those are for you, my friend.  Good morning for you.I am here to meet Mr. Paul Mitchell.  And who are you!  Scrappy Coco.I am here to take a job from him.  He isn't in right now.  That's good. So I will wait, then.  You know what! I'll takeone Fizzy Bubblech, a raspberry.  You know,he actually doesn't come in too often.  Yes, just tell him I am perfect for this,so let's go.  - I am the best.- The best at what!  All of this. The cutting, the styling,the making it silky smooth.  I wanna know who cuts your hair.  Oh, you like this, eh!  This is the Avalon,straight from the Paul Mitchell book.  I haven't seen that stylesince Luke married Laura.  Sister, are you this Laura!  You tell Paul Mitchell,Scrappy Coco was here to see him.  If I find out he was here...  ...or you are keeping himhidden from me...  ...I will destroy you.  Believe me this.  What the hell was this, champ!I'm not paying for that!  This asshole cut me off,made me swerve into you!  With all due respect,I was in the bicycle lane.  You came like a madman.Be glad nobody was hurt.  I mean, somebody could've died.I mean, you came...  Okay, real mature, sir. Real mature.  You do not want to bethrowing bicycles.  Look, stay out of my business,Mustafa.  "Mustafa"! This is not my name.Who tells you this is my name!  Whatever.Salami, bologna, apple sauce.  Apple who!  My friend, if I were you,I would change the tone.  Avoid the pain.  Listen, go back to your goddamnedpretzel stand. We got it...  - Look what I've got. It's right here.- Please!  - I've got it.- Please, let me go.  I never work at pretzel stand.You like to insult people!  Was that your feet!  Yes, it's the feet. The feet uppercut.  Here comes the double foot.  This is good.  Smell it, smell it, smell it.Now take it.  - That's for you.- All right, let me go!  You said you wanted pretzel!  Okay, I'm good.  Beautiful.  You want some chickens!  No, no, no. I fix for you.  It's all b'seder.  What are you, bionic!  No, no, no. I only like the girls.  Thanks, anyways.  This is ridiculous traffic.  Anyway, George insistedwe have the party.  - I always get midnight shift.- Could you keep it down, please!  I no sleep,I no see World Series Poker.  Are you even watching the road!  Be nice. He could be a terrorist.  - Why Hamdi no get no midnight!- Could you at least change the station!  - Hey, that was amazing.- Oh, yes.  Where are you from, anyway!  Where am I from!  Australia.  Really!Because you sound Middle Eastern.  No, no, no. Similar accents.  - Kangaroo. You see!- Sure.  This is ridiculous. We're getting out.  - Come on, dear.- I've been working longer than Hamdi.  - You want me to get you home!- No, I'll grab a cab.  You've done enough.That was crazy.  Whose lockzie do I have to schluck?  Oh, you know you're boning me.I don't know that.  It's you.  - What is happening!- What's happening!  It's bullshaklaga.  - We have to go.- Go where!  - I'll run you.- What are you doing!  This is legal!  Scrappy, have another kneidlach.Come on.  You're very nice, Mrs. Klayman.  It reminds me of my mother's cookingin Australia.  Really!It's funny, you don't sound Australian.  Yes, no, no, no.This is because I am half Australian...  ...half Mount Everest.  So this is what you're hearing.  Well, Australia,it must be really nice there...  ...since they got rid of the apartheid.  Oh, yes, the weather is much cooler.  So, Scrappy,I understand you cut hair.  I will be workingwith Mr. Paul Mitchell...  ...as soon as I find outwhere they are hiding him.  Oh, Mom, Scrappydoesn't have a place to stay yet.  - Really!- Not yet.  Well, actually,there's a nice one-bedroom...  ...that just opened up upstairs.  Nice light, not huge.  And they redid the kitchen very well.  - This could be good.- Could be good.  Could be good.  Hey, Mom,do you know where the detergent is!  - That's very good.- Oh, my God!  What! What's the matter!  What's the matter! That's my mom.  - It's okay, Michael.- I know it's your mother.  She's very beautiful.  Michael, I haven't made stickyin two days.  - What do you want from me!- Couldn't you wait till I was asleep!  - Or dead!- No, Michael.  You do... What's he doing now!  Why'd that happen!Why'd that happen!  It's okay. Let me talk to him.  Oh, I can't get up.  No, no. You'll feel your legs againin two hours.  Michael.  Come on, this is nothingto feel bad about.  Me sexing your mother.  It's beautiful. It's natural.  No, I didn't bring you hometo do it with my mother.  Why not, huh!You don't want her to be happy!  Did you see her! Did you look at her!  I don't thinkI can ever look at her again.  Michael, her faceduring the big bang-boom!  You did not see!  She was glowing.  Patches. What are you...!  Michael, come on.  They'll be plenty of timefor you and me.  Tonight, I take you to disco, huh!How's this!  No, why would I wanna goto a disco tonight!  Michael, you should go. It'd be fun!  You could use a little stank.  Yes, you need your penachimto take a swim.  Yeah, a little chicken of the sea.It wouldn't hurt.  Disco, disco.Let's do this, Michael. Yes or no!  Come on, you get to disco.  - All right, fine, I'll go to the disco.- Okay.  I do your mother one more time,and then we go.  - Wha...!- Seconds already!  Oh, yes.  Hey. Look at this.  This is what you need, man,to let off a little steam, huh!  How many times a day do youmake sticky! Two! Five! Twelve!  How many times a day!I've had sex once in my life.  It was at tennis camp.It was awful.  You're too picky, Michael.Maybe that's the problem.  Every weed in the desertis still a flower.  Look at this. This a big one, eh!  But look at the tits.These will bounce nice for you.  Your mother, she has huge poopeh.  I mean, very wide.  But what I see are two big, strong legswrapped around my head, squeezing.  So who wants to get somepoontachen?  - I wanna get some poontachen?- Well, let's get some. Yes.  It's good for you. Nice spinning.  This is what I'm talking about.You play this.  - I ain't playing this corny shit.- No, no.  I need to set themood for my friend.  Get out,you Daisy Duke-wearing motherf...  - Disco, disco.- Good, good!  - Disco, disco.- Good, good!  Yes, hello. Hello.  Hey, Zohan.  Who you looking for!  It's okay, no one can hear mein disco, Zohan.  Can you believe the poontachatin this place!  I'm not Zohan.My name is Scrappy Coco, my friend.  What!Of course you are Zohan Dvir.  They all think you dead in Israel.I'm not going to tell.  Tell what!I don't know what you're talking about.  Zohan, it's okay.Don't worry, I'm a huge fan.  The way you took outAbdullah Meda in '94.  And when you made Melami Benazireat his own shit in '97.  I can't believe I'm meeting you, man.  So, what the fachmaare you doing here!  Come with me.  Look, I couldn't takeall the fighting anymore.  - What's it all for!- Are you crazy!  If I could blow a terroristinside out like you...  ...this is all I would do.I'd never sleep.  - This is exaggeration.- No, it's not.  You made Palami Habdallah's poodlesit on a live grenade.  - You gotta show me how you did that.- I don't remember. I was young.  So tell me the truth.Why are you in America!  I no want to tell you.  What! What! Come on.  You are the best, Zohan.Whatever you say is good.  I want to be hairdresser.  You a fagala?  I can't believe it.  A great warrior, but also a fagalawith the penachim.  No, no, no. I like hair.  Come on, man, I get you real job.  You come by my shop tomorrow.  Israeli electronics. Are you crazy!  - Everyone will recognize me.- No, you don't look like same Zohan.  You have silly haircut now.  - I have what haircut!- What!  - You say I look silly!- No, no. Who said this!  - You said this.- No, no. Nobody say nothing.  I don't need your job.  I get my own job on my ownat a big salon. You will see.  You ever cut a sister's hair before!  Yes. Sister, brother, grandma,grandpa, the whole family.  I'm good at this.  Have you ever workedwith dreads before!  This is what you do.  No more. This creature slayed.  It's not a problem. Okay, he's got me.He's got me. He's got me. Okay.  Okay. So we blind him in the eyes.We got you.  And we finish him.  You back away, I take hold of him.Go! Go! Go out! Go now!  Go!  This is hair. This is hair.  Oh, okay. The joke's on me, eh!  A big part of our job hereis making this a fun experience.  Of course, of course.  For a lot of kids, this is their first cut,and it can be very frightening.  - I can imagine.- I don't want a haircut.  Get away from me.  Let me go.  Young man, look what I found here.  A nice balloon.  Do you want it! It's right here.  You shouldn't jump around...  ...when this nice woman'sholding a sharp pair of scissors.  If you move, she could slip andslice your jugular vein on accident.  There's no way to stitch the jugular.  All of your blood will be on the floorin four minutes.  I've seen this. I've done this.You don't want this.  Well, then, at least it's a good time toshave his neck. I would get him quick.  When I was your ageI already killed seven men.  Maybe you should grow up.  I promise you you won't regret.  And come back.  "Fujigawa"! I don't know that brand.It really isn't...  It's not really Fujigawa.It's Sony guts.  - Wouldn't it be better with the Sony...- Oh, no, no, no. This is what you want.  - Four-hundred fifty.- But the ad says "Sony," and "300."  No, no, no. What you going to believe,me or the ad! Four-fifty.  Hello, Going Out of Business.Can I help you!  Sony, yes. Three hundred.  Come in, yes. Very good, very good.  Hi. I represent the new ownerof this building.  Good for you. Want a birthday cake!What do you want!  Yamaha is very good.  Did you receive our letterregarding your rent!  - This I don't know.- It's being raised to 20,000 a month.  No, no, no. This is too much.  Eighty-five hundredis all we'll give you.  - This isn't negotiable. We can get...- Ten thousand, that's all.  We both go home happy.  - I'm sorry. We can't settle for less.- Okay, no deal.  You come back when youwant to deal.  - Sir, you don't understand.- Go.  What you still here for! You like me!I have girlfriend. Go.  Thank you very much.  Hey, look who's here.  Come on, not so loud.  Don't worry, Zohan.I tell you, they don't recognize you.  Yosi. This is good man.This Chocolaté Coco.  - Scrappy Coco.- Scrappy Coco.  Cooking Who-co!  Yes, yes.  So you're going out of business!  No, no, no, no. Is just a sign.Is good for business.  Yeah, so you look me up, man.That's cool.  I come for job.  Job. So you not big hairstyle!  It's not really happening for meso far.  So I am here. So let's go.  No. No job.  What do you mean!You tell me to come here.  I can no let you do this.You want to be hair homo.  No, so I do this for now.It's all yofi tofi.  Is no now.  Once you start in electronics store,you never get out.  Look at Ephraim. You see!  I don't see nothing wrong with that.It's perfect.  Ephraim came to America...  ...to be racing car driver.  But he let slip away.  I can hear it. Look. Check your ear.  Pinchas wanted to bethe next Bill Cosby.  No. Is resistant, no proof.You don't understand!  But the store kept pulling him back.  Maybe you swimming with the watch.  - I'm not swimming...- Is resistant.  Yosi wanted to be a hand model.  What, you don't like this! Look at this.This is most beautiful.  But he got too comfortable here.  Press this button, it's free HBO.  The electronics storeis a dream killer.  And I won't let the Zohankill his dream.  You are a real mensch, Oori.  You the mensch.  Come.  What! What's this!  You may not go for this,but this place cross the street...  - Yes!- They maybe take you.  - Is good place!- No, is dump, but they take you.  Is on Palestinian side of street.  Palestinian!  No, no, no.Look, nobody kill you there.  Here nobody care.  First off, no one kill me anywhere.  But Palestinian, no.  I've done enoughto my parents already.  I just want job for the Zohan.  And it kills methe way Phantom bastard...  ...getting his buttochim kissedin Palestine now.  Buttochim kissed! What's this!  He have business.  He buy wives.  Him!  They say his ugly face everywhere.  Everyone is runningTo Phantom's Chewy Muchentuchen  For the food the heroes eat  Kubeh, sambouesk,Delicious muchentuchen  You never know who you'll meet  You are going to get spoiled.  Phantom Muchentuchen!  Oh, yeah!  This month,order Muchentuchen Happy Lunch...  ... and get action figures fromPhantom Presents: Death to Zohan.  Unbelievable.  This animal gets to live his dream.But, me, l...  I can no work Palestinian, no.It's like... I can't do this.  Yes, you can.  Is your dream to cut hair.You want fight, or you want hair!  I want hair. But I'm scared.  Is America.You can do anything here.  You never done somethingpeople thought was impossible!  So you don't want to talk, huh!I'll make you talk.  I can do this.  Disco, disco, good, good.  Disco, disco, good, good.  Disco, disco, good, good.  Disco, disco, good, good.  Disco, disco, good, good.  So you have never cut hair before.  I have cut my own hairand several dogs.  I have the Paul Mitchell book,I have the stamina, the desire...  But you have no trainingor experience.  Would you hire someonewith experience in something else!  In what!  Can anyone here do this!  Okay. I have never seen that.  That is very nice,but that is not going to help me.  No hands.  Besides, I have no openings.  If anything, I need to scale back...  ...since they just raised my rentthrough the roof.  Out of nowhere, some guy with a tiecomes in and tells me I need to pay.  Stop it!  I only wish to learn.  I will do whatever it takes.  Fine. You can sweep up haira few shifts a week.  - You won't be...- No pay.  No, no, no.But then, I will become stylist, yes!  That could be a while.  I will wait turn. You will see.  I will get nighttime job for money.  Soon the whole worldwill be silky smooth.  Zohan.  - Carmen Electra has the best tits now.- Oh, please.  Oh, my God.I wonder how much she paid for them.  They're so perky.  You know, leave it to herto buy the best tits.  It's always first class with that one.  You know you don't have to catchevery piece of hair as it falls.  Yes, I do. You deserve a perfect floor.One single hair is unacceptable.  As you were.  Yes. I got this.  "Did you seethe new Kate Hudson movie!  I think she is even more vivaciousthan her mother."  Scrappeleh, that's wonderful.Now, let's practice on Michael.  Michael!Could you come in here, please!  What! What is...!  Oh, Scrappy needs to practicesmall-talking.  Can we do this another time! I havea shot at keeping my food down.  Michael, I want to practice now.  I'm afraid I'm terrible at this.Why won't you help me!  Oh, honey.You are good at everything you do.  - Got it.- Thanks.  So you're making her silky smooth,huh, Claude!  - Framing her face!- Yeah, Scrappy. I'm framing her face.  This is smart.  A nice layered stylewith the soft bangs...  ...is good for a bigger womanlike this.  - Coco.- Takes the eyes off the moon face...  ...and brings it toward the titzim.  Coco.  I need to speak to you.  In private.  Private. A secret!  They will never get it out of me,I promise you.  Coco, Claude is trying to work.  Yes. He's very good.  So I am ready to cut hair today.So let's go, let's get it on.  No. Let's not go.  But I am the best.  Don't tell me you're the best.  - I have the desire, the stamina.- You've been here two days.  I run this place for five years.  I think I know when you are readyto cut hair.  Okay, Jeez! Get a room, you two.  No, no, no.  I do not touch thiswith your penachim.  Out of respect for the working.  No, you don't eat where you shit.  Or shit where you eat.Whatever the...  The smell is bad.  This is called a comb.  - With the fingers!- Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no.  - Scrappy.- I'm sorry. Here, I take your leg up.  I'm sorry about this. I'm sorry.  - Okay. All right.- I apologize.  - Take him where he wants to go.- Thank you. Okay.  - Good luck.- It will be fine.  - Your limousine has arrived, sir.- You're observant, Tyler.  Thank you, Big Mac.  I am really late for a hotel openingdowntown. The Walbridge Hotel.  I understand, sir. I know theneighborhoods inside and backwards.  - We will not let them stop us.- What!  I'm not in much of a hurry.  Oh, no.  You want some coffee back there!  No!  I will lose them.  Nobody is following us.  Oh, shit!  Have a good time, sir.  Debbie, you did a good job.  You look very bangable,Mrs. Rosen.  Mrs. Paulson, I must tell you...  ...when you first came in,you looked hideous.  There was nothing attractive.  But now, I must say,my schtitzel, it's about to burst.  - It could break these any...- What are you doing!  We are talking shop.  No. No.  - Look, Coco...- What!  You need to calm down now, okay!  I don't think these customerslike the way you talk shop.  Nobody say this.  Coco, remember,respect for the workplace.  I have betrayed my salon.  He's trying to kill himself.  - Scrappy.- I deserve this.  No, no. Just... Just...  Easy on the ladies.  I didn't mind.  Take care, Mrs. Paulson.  She did not mind.  Let me disinfect the scissors...  ...so someone elsecan make someone else silky smooth.  I'll just clean up.  Rafaela's Salon.  What! No.  Debbie, she quit.  - What!- Sorry.  Claude, did you know about this!  I should have told you.  She's been looking for a new jobsince those rent guys came around.  Then why you no say nothing,little bitch!  Don't worry,I'm not giving up on this place.  You're a good guy, habibi.I just... I don't know what to do.  So let's go.  Scrappy, I have enough problemsright now.  I not the problem. I the solution. I fix.  But if you screw up...  I can't afford a screwup right now.  No, no, no. I no screw up.I am the best for the job.  Yeah, but you push and push."When is my turn"!  I have to care about salon.  - No, no, no.- No, no, no.  You care about you. And don't fightin front of the customer.  Mrs. Skitzer,I am afraid our stylist is out today.  Would you care to wait for Claude!  Does he do hair!  He's not a regular.  Well, that's fine.  She say...I mean, only if it's okay with Dalia.  Okay.  You will not regret this decision.  Mrs. Skitzer, let's cut your hair.  Just lay back, Mrs. Skitzer.I'll take care of everything.  - Oh, thank you.- Thank you.  Sexy woman like youdeserves to be pampered.  Me, sexy! Sure.  Don't be humble.  You've got the ass and titsof a schoolgirl and you know it.  And everyone else knows this too,believe me.  Yes.  Let me get your earring off.  I love it.  Of course you do.I make you silky smooth. I tell you this.  All right, Scrappy.You can cut Debbie's clients today.  If they want you.  Thank you.  I'll get to you all soon as I'mall the way done with Mrs. Skitzer.  That all you got, Mrs. Skitzer!  Come on, baby. Go, baby. Yes. Yes.  So who's next!  Come on, Scrappy!  Thank you, dear.  - It's a lot of speakers.- Yes. Yes.  It's orgasmic.  Oh, my God.  Oh, yes!  Grab it, Scrappy!  For you. Yes.  I give this to you.  - No. I am sorry, Mr. Paul Mitchell.- Hear me out, Scrappy, please.  I'll give you stock options.I'll name a shampoo after you.  No, my loyalty is to here.I will destroy you.  I heard about this placefrom Joanne.  You have to ask for Scrappy.  Yes, is the primarycardholder present!  Excuse me!  Hello, I am callingfrom Spiegel catalogue.  Are you between the agesof 18 and 39!  We're trying to talk here.  Have you ordered from cataloguein past six months!  Could you get off the phonewhile you drive!  Hey, what's the matter!I trying to make a living, do my job.  This is your job.  This is job also.  This is not Iraq.  I am Palestine, I'm not Iraq.  And you're not getting a tip.  And you are a stupid cow.  Jeez.  - And we're done. Okay, you, skedaddle.- Thanks so much.  - I'll see you later.- All right.  I like this, the red hair.  I bet she has a pumpkin patchdown below, yes!  I don't know.  - Did you tap her tuchus?- No.  Why don't you go afterthe snatchacheem in this place!  They all want you, believe me.  Scrappy, I wouldn't be so sure.  I'm telling you,you're not picking up the signs.  Come with me.I'll show you a technique. It's beautiful.  Hello, Mrs. Haynes. How are you!You want the cut and color today!  Yes, please. Thanks.  Watch.  You see! She's going with it.It's good.  Yep.  - She has a free shoulder. Come join.- I'm good.  Mrs. Haynes,you're getting cold here.  Claude, come. Keep her warm.  Go ahead. Yes.  And gently move.Gently move the shoulder.  All you want to do is let her knowyou're here for her.  Now look awaylike you're not even doing it.  We're not doing this.  - Same rhythm.- Okay.  Push. Push. Push.  Oh, you're pushing harder.It's starting to feel good on my end.  I am trying to make moneyto start my own business, huh.  Would you say you read Spiegelonce a month, twice...  Would you just get usto the hair salon!  We're gonna miss our appointment.  I curse you, and I curse your hair.  What is big dealabout this hair place anyway!  They get worse every year.  Okay, we'll take them to the truck.We'll just talk to them. But we'll find a...  Did you throw this shoe at me,my friend!  No!  Sure looks like it was you.  Then who threw it!  Okay. You're lucky I'm in good mood.I'll let you off the hook.  Nobody spits on me.  Thank you for the goat, my friend.  Yes.  Goat!  Goat.  Goat!  Goat!  Goat.  I said, "Can we have the receipt!"  Yes. Die in hell.  Welcome.  We'll color your hair Bling-BlingBlond. This is what you need.  You know what else they go for!  The... I don't know what you have,but mine is the biggest.  This...It does not get bigger than this.  It's enormous. Scary. I mean:  What!  I have the biggest. It's the biggest.  Take a look at this.  Look.  - It's not that big.- It's not that...!  No, no, no. The bush.  The bush is the biggest.  And the girls like thisbecause it's cushion.  It is no bullshaklaga. He is the one.I never forget a face.  So, what do you want I do!  Wait. I conference you.  Hello!  Nasi, emergency meeting.You're on with Hamdi as well.  - Hello, Nasi.- Hello, Hamdi.  Can you believehow much they pay Delgado!  Yes. Why Mets do this!  This is serious. We meet!  I explain why is emergency.  This is not just manwho take my goat.  - Zohan Dvir.- Yes.  Everyone think Phantom kill him.  Phantom not kill him.  We will capture,then make trade with Israel.  We will be heroes.  But, Salim, we are not Jihadim. Wedon't know for sure that this is him.  Let's call Hamas, Hezbollah.Let them handle this.  - Leave it to the pros.- No.  Hezbollah shmezbollah.  Hezbollah will take all the credit.This is our shot.  Why not let Phantom capture him!  Screw Phantom. He hero already.  Where's my chainof muchentuchen restaurants!  Salim, don't make thisabout yourself.  This is about me.  And about him.  And about my goat!  Come on, let's go!  This is nice,the walking inside the outside.  The park, the people,the horses, the kid.  Well, you're always downtown.  You should seea little more of New York.  Yes, yes, this is good.  The talking is good...  ...to get to know each otherbefore the bang-boom. I like.  Oh, no, no, no.There will be no bang-booming.  I just wanted to thank youfor saving my business.  - This isn't a date.- No, no, no.  I feel you have helped me so much...  The right thing to dois to tap you so hard...  ...my schtitzel will come outyour poopech. That's what I think.  Look, why don't wejust enjoy the park!  No, no, no. This is what we do.  Hey, look, softball.  - You like softball!- Of course, I love softball.  What is softball! Teach me how to.  I learned softballwhen I came to the States.  When you're Arab, it helps to fit in.  Yeah, how long you move here ago!  Just a few years ago.  I couldn't take it there anymore.All the hate, on both sides.  Yes, especially yours.  Why you say this! You don't know.  No, no, I don't. I read this.  The Australian-Tibet mediais very biased.  Look, both sides crazy.  My own family...  My brother...  ...if he knew I work cross streetfrom Israelis, he would lose it.  - Really!- You have the hardcores on both sides.  They just want to fight and fight.  Nobody will win this way.It has to stop.  When will it end, eh! Yes.  Okay, so you must be thirsty, no!  Here.  Where you get this!  This! From specialty shopon West Side.  This Middle Eastern drink.You know this! Fizzy Bubblech!  No, no, no. It looks pretty good.  Oh, try, try. It's very good.Try, have a sip.  It's not for me.  No! Really!  This is his shop.  Here is photo for compare.  For how long this take!I close the newsstand.  Make sure you ask himif he ever hit by shoe.  And about the prize goatthat can fetch a bowl of onion soup.  Look in his eyes when youask him this, for they will be suffering.  - You know, I just got haircut.- Go.  Look at this. I feel like Hugh Hefnerwith all you little bunnies around here.  Okay, okay,let's see who is going next.  "Jorge Posada," where are you!  That's me.  Okay, good-looking guy,you take a seat there. You're next.  You know, you look likeyou already just got haircut.  No, no.  So I guessing you're looking forsomething in the silky smooth area!  - Well...- Because I see you have nice curls.  You don't want tocut into those curls.  We will talk about this over there.  Okay, Scrappy, I wait.  Is not like I have a shoe to throw.  Sure. Yes. Beautiful. Whatever.  I don't have time to go watcha goat fetch soap.  - What!- What! I don't know.  Listen, my friend...  ...you want to talk, it's good,but you have to wait your turn.  First I have to cut and bangMrs. Greenhouse.  - That's right.- Okay.  Well, I'm ready for it.  Oh, dear.  I am sorry, Mrs. Greenhouse.I am not man enough for you today.  Oh, Scrappy, it's fine.  I don't know what the problem is.I am going to lose business.  Oh, no, dear. You're still adorable.  The screwingwas really just a bonus.  You are an angel, Mrs. Greenhouse.  An angel with a magic throat.  Oh, Scrappy!  No, that could work.One more, please.  Let's see what we got.  And we're still nothing.  Well!  He was very cool.  Idiot. What did he say!  He think I have nice curlsthat go well with a full face.  - But was it him!- Well, it looked like him.  But hard to know.  I tell you this: he didn't seem to carewhen I talk about goat fetching soap.  Soup. The goat fetched soup.You ruin everything.  Soup! This makes no sense.  Screw you. It's him. I know it's him.  The goat fetched soup!This is unbelievable.  Go to hell.  You said it was urgent!  It's an emergency.Please, take a look.  Yes, yes.  Well, that's not a real problem.You can always shave it.  No, not the bush.  No, inside the bush.Look deeper. Him.  - I see.- He lays in there all day long.  Maybe it needs some more oxygen.It looks like it's being strangled.  So the Palestinian says to the priest:  "Okay, but let's skip the bath."  Why, are they not clean!  No, is good joke.  Honey, are you all right!You've been in there for over an hour.  What is this stuff! I mean, I took onesip and I repainted the whole toilet.  Is Fizzy Bubblech.You'll get used to it, relax.  I don't wanna get used to it.My car couldn't.  - All right, that's it for me. I'm done.- What! What!  Is everything all right!  - Is it about the pee-pee!- Stop it.  - The pee-pee!- He can't do with his peepeechosetz.  Really!He's usually as hard as trigonometry.  - Mom. What...!- When did this happen!  The last few days.  Of course. It's ever sinceyou went out with that Dalia.  Your hog is telling you something.She must be the one.  The one!  Is this possible!  Of course it's possible, man.  All the beaverim in the worldand he falls for Palestinian muffich.  Why should Scrappy careif she's Palestinian!  He's from Australia and Tibet.He's not Israeli.  - No, no, no.- Oh, no, no, no.  Exactly.  What was that, a motor boat!  You know, Scrappy...  ...a special woman is specialno matter where she's from.  Listen to your hog.  Someone special.  Maybe is good.  It's good! It's terrific!  I mean, you know,you guys won't be together anymore...  ...but Scrappy is in love.That's great, awesome.  Thank you for your support.  - Is a good boy.- Good boy.  This is fun. Let's celebrate.Where's the cat!  Let's cat-sack, huh! Throw it to me.  - Got you.- Let's play, man.  Take it, Michael.  Look at you.  I wanna try it.  Is good.  Welcome to Hezbollah phone line.  For membership information,press one.  For negotiation update, press two.  For bonus mile information,press three.  For terrorist supplies, press four.  We have currently suspendedour terrorist supply service...  ... as we are engagedin negotiations with Israel.  We will resume service as soon asnegotiations break down. Thank you.  Great.  Come on. Just think of a bomb.  They say you can make bomb fromeveryday's material. You combine.  Yes, okay.But what we combination!  Just think of chemicals.  Chemicals, like in science class.  Yes.  Who remembers this stuff!  Hello.  Well, can I help you fellasfind anything!  Yes, do you have...  ..."liquid nitrogen."  You need what!  Liquid nitrogen.  Yeah. Well, I supposewe have some of that.  Now, just a moment.  - This is it!- Yes, and that's the large container.  This works!  Oh, it works quite well. Yes.  You use!  From time to time. Sure.  We'll take 12.  Look, you can turn off the water...  ...but we will find a wayto keep on going.  Oh, you like when I spray you,Mrs. Skitzer!  Where's the $ 14,000!  I have your rent right here.There is no getting rid of me.  We don't wanna get rid of you.  Mr. Walbridge would actually like torelocate your salon in our new mall.  You mean the one you want to destroythis community to build!  It is not our intentto destroy this community.  I'll take the community, Pancake.  My name is Gray, and I'll be back.  Nice to meet you, Pancake.  Why Pancake!  Just for fun.  You were amazing right there.  Oh, my God.  What!  I have one.  What!  I have zikpah.  Look at it.  It is you.  Dalia, I don't know how to tell you this.I cannot make sticky with anyone else.  You are the special one.  I will only be stiff for you.  Who is Steve!  Stiff, with an F.  - Stiff. Stiff.- Yes.  Okay...  ...I know you meant thatin a good way...  The best of ways.  - so thank you.  Thank you.  Is crazy.  This has never happened.  One woman...  ...one zikpah...  ...one life.  You see his face!Scared Israeli son of bitch.  Salim, this is not bomb.  What you mean "not bomb"!  It's grade A liquid nitrogen.  Guys, I really need to go home.  Inaz have a soccer matchin the morning.  - I am hero.- Salim, this not bomb. It just go:  Well, just go with it.  I scraped some off the window.  Maybe you know what is!  It's Neosporin, it's nothing.I use it for cuts and genital sores.  We're beginning to thinkmaybe someone out to get the Zo...  The Scrappy.  You mean like a competing salon!That's heavy.  Don't be afraid, honey.Don't be afraid.  Well, I...  Yeah, lick this.No, she likes the tongue in the ear.  Oh, I like that bet... Oh, I like that.  Close with the brenski.  Come on, get some salivaon those bad boys.  - She likes it, huh!- Of course she likes it.  Okay.  I could look for clues. It's my shiftfor community night watch.  The what!The communism tight crotch!  Oh, it's the communitynight watch program.  You know, people in the neighborhoodpatrolling it, keeping it safe.  We kick some ass.  Hey, why don't you let Scrappy Cocotake your shift tonight!  - I bet he'd be good at this.- Oori.  What! For clues.  I know it sounds scary, Scrappy,but you are gonna be just fine.  Maybe I can manage one night.  Maybe you can pretzel some people.  - Thank you for getting the hummus.- The hummus.  Where's Patches!  Patches.  I'm terrified right now.I'm totally terrified.  "Shitting my pants"doesn't come close.  I wish I was shitting my pants.  It's just a patrol.  What if something goes down!  I don't know if I'd have the courage.  What if something goes downand someone got killed!  I would have to live with that.I'd be happier shitting my pants.  Much happier.  - Let's go.- We're supposed to call the police.  No. No time.  No, no. No. It's good.  Drop the paint.  Get out of here, Ahab,or I'll cut your eyes out.  - Maybe we should let him finish.- No, no, no.  What you cut my eyes out with!The Neosporin!  My blade, camel jockey.  My friend, the beating I give youif you stop the spraying...  ...is much less than the beatingI give you if you try to cut me.  What are you laughing at!  That was just with everyone.  They had it coming to them, right!  Yeah. Yeah, it seemed like it. Yeah.  - Okay, you take it from here.- I got it.  Everything's gonna be okay.  What you gotta say about that, huh!  You're telling meour guys can't handle...  ...some neighborhoodnight-watching losers!  We can't even put a scareinto these people!  The main guy who got in the way...  ...is the same one who's bringingold biddies into Rafaela Salon.  My aunt goes there.  She says besides the sex,the guy gives a pretty good haircut.  Don't talk to me about that dump.  I've got a huge,classy hotel standing there...  ...and it's staringat that cheap garbage.  I want it staring at the Supercuts.  Now, has anyone made any headwaywith any of these foreign people!  I spoke to the manager of GoingOut Of Business again yesterday.  I stated our priceand the urgency of the matter...  ...and he offered me two-thirds lessand a Toshiba DVD player.  The people at Everything Must Gowere just as difficult.  They offered me a Blu-ray discand a jar of hummus.  What's hummus!  It's a very tasty...  ...diarrhea-like substance.  Grant Walbridge has a vision.  A vision for Lower Manhattanto have the first indoor mall...  ...with its own 300-footroller coaster.  You know, you're lucky I havea world-class superhot girlfriend...  ...with a perfectly proportionedass-to-breast ratio...  ...or I'd be furious.  She is smoking, sir.  I'd payto spend an hour with her, sir.  Let me in on that.  Well, thank you.  But if you bitchescan't get those people out...  ...I will find other peoplewho will get the job done.  However, whenever.  Walbridge!  This is where I find them.  But I don't know if it's same peoplewho try to Neosporin salon.  But you caught them writing this crap,so, what do you do!  - You don't mess with the Zohan.- Check it.  - Disco.- Disco.  - Good.- Good.  Why did you do thisto Naseef's store, huh!  Why you blame the Israelis!  We come to work,go out of business.  No, no, no.Is not Israeli who do this.  I do community watch.Don't worry, it's all taken care of.  Not Israeli! Who else would write"Arab go home"!  Oh, I don't know,just maybe 99 percent of the world.  - You see what he says!- That was joke.  Come on, come on.You guys get along here, stop this.  Yeah, here it's okay. It's just there,the war is never going to end.  You know, we were so close to peacebefore the asshole shot Rabin.  Bush, he see the big picture.  Bush no want peace,he set it all back.  What about Bush's wife!This is a wife I would get sticky with.  I would do this. I would do this.  - Yes, yes.- What about Clinton! I would do Hillary.  The big legs.  Yeah, she look strict,like she's going to teach me a lesson.  - Yes, discipline.- You know what's funny!  I like Chelsea.  You're crazy.  She has beautiful legs.  If I want legs, I'll take Obama's wife.She has legs.  This is what happenswhen they talk politics.  No, no, no, wife of McCain!  She has the ass,and you know she's not getting any.