#heavilymedicated | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

writertitan · 4 years ago

Text

One Day

pairing: levi x reader

word count: 4414

themes: light angst, heavilymedicated!levi, hurt/comfort, vulnerable!levi, role reversal where it’s levi’s turn to have someone dote on him

requested by anon

(a/n: i hope it’s okay that i pulled two requests together! they just mesh so well together and they came together like this!)

He’s fine, he is fine.

The same words drift in and out of your head, day in and day out, as you wait for Levi and his squad to come back from their expedition. He was always fine, always, so this one can’t be any different from the rest. It doesn’t make sense that you’re worrying about this one so much. Just because you can’t be there.

You think back to the morning of his expedition, a quick breakfast, an even quicker goodbye, and then he was off with his squad. You still weren’t cleared to get back to your regular duties due to a very unfortunate injury during what should have been a basic training exercise. Just a concussion, and a minor stab wound, but apparently your medic didn’t agree with your assessment of feeling okay to join Levi on his expedition. A real pity that it had happened right before Levi’s expedition. Levi’s expedition and yours. You’re supposed to be out there with him and your comrades.

But he’s fine. He’s fine.

It’s twilight now and your body is jumpy and unable to stand still, because Levi was supposed to be back by dusk. The pale light of impending night isn’t as comforting as usual. You’re staring out the window of your shared quarters, trying to calm yourself by focusing on the dark silhouettes of the still-bare trees against the pale blue evening light. Your candle’s flame flickers and the reflection against the window is a warm and stark contrast to how cold the fastly approaching night looks.

You don’t even notice you’ve been tapping your fingers against the windowsill until a knock comes at your door and makes you completely freeze.

It’s not Levi, because he wouldn’t knock. This is where he lives too. So, the disappointment is already heavy on your chest as you slowly turn away from the window and walk to the door, steps heavy and slow, and you’re surprised to see Erwin on the other side.

And then the surprise knots into panic, so quick that it leaves you a little breathless and dizzy.

“Commander,” you manage to breathe out, heart fluttering and raging in your chest. There can only be one reason the commander himself came to you and didn’t send a fellow soldier.

Something happened.

Something happened to your comrades.

Something happened to -

“Levi’s squad just returned,” he informs you, eyes completely unreadable. That has to be on purpose.

Your legs feel unstable. They’re turning into jelly and you have to hold the door frame in an effort to make sure you won’t collapse. It feels like all the blood has left your head and is pooling at your feet.

“What happened?” you manage to ask.

Erwin finally shows emotion. His entire face is grim. His eyes are dark as he stares down at you, jaw set as he finally says the words.

“There were a lot of injuries, a lot of casualties-”

The door frame can’t hold you up anymore. It feels like everything is in slow motion as you wobble and start sinking down to your knees, but Erwin catches you, his strong arms like metal against your jelly frame.

“Levi,” is all you can manage to say while Erwin helps you into the closest chair available, his eyes still dark, but softer now.

“He’s going to be okay,” he starts, “but he was injured earlier today. A hoard of abnormal titans got in their way while they were trekking back.”

“Can I see him?” you ask, voice desperate. Your eyes are filling with tears and Erwin is blurry, but you can see him nod gently.

It doesn’t matter that your commander is watching you fall apart.

He’s not fine.

The new, unfamiliar, strange sentence is blaring like a horn in your mind.

He’s not fine, but he’s not dead.

He’s not dead.

There’s little comfort in those new words, but it’s enough to stop yourself from falling apart completely. You’re trying so hard not to burst into sobs, but there are still tears streaming down your face, and your throat is closed up so it helps you keep quiet. But your breath is still stuttering in your lungs and in your throat. Commander Erwin rests a hand on your knee.

“Take your time,” he assures you. “I’ll take you to him when you’re ready.”

Every cell in your body is aching to go to Levi, but you know you need to take this minute to yourself to get it together. For Levi.

You count to 60 in your head and then nod to Erwin, wiping the last of your tears with the backs of your hands.

“Where is he?”

-----

It’s hard seeing Levi in the medic’s ward. You hate it here for plenty of reasons. It smells strongly of sickness and blood, though they try their best to keep it sanitary. Each face inside is somber. But the reason you hate it most of all right now is because Levi is laying on his uncomfortable cot and gritting his teeth against the sheer pain of getting sewn back together. One arm is in a sling and, through his torn shirt, you can see dark bruises blooming over his skin. The urge to cry is strong and stinging at your eyes, but you keep it all at bay.

Levi hasn’t noticed you yet. How could he, when he’s in so much pain?

You stand timidly at the door and ponder whether or not to wait until his physician is done or mostly done, but when Levi hisses at a particularly brutal stitch, you go rushing to his side and let your hands flutter indecisively over his body until you settle for holding the hand that’s not currently in a sling.

Levi’s eyes flutter open in surprise, face momentarily absent of pain when his gaze lands on you, and he whispers your name softly before a new surge of pain overtakes him.

“It’s going to be okay,” you whisper in his ear, and the certainty in your voice helps the two of you.

While the physician works on Levi’s sutures, you let your lover squeeze your hand as you brush his hair back, your nose brushing against your temple as you whisper sweet nothings to him to distract him. Maybe it’s working, maybe it’s not, but Levi’s head is turned towards you, and he’s leaning into the little wisps of kisses you’re giving his forehead, and he’s not screaming in agony, so you feel okay with letting this doctor see so much intimacy.

“You’re going to be in some pain for a while,” the physician speaks up as he finishes the stitches on Levi’s abdomen. His eyes don’t meet yours or Levi’s as he speaks, voice clipped and professional as he continues. “That branch we pulled out of your side right here left quite a deep laceration. These stitches will take longer to heal as opposed to your others for the shallower cuts. I’ll come pay a visit to check on your arm tomorrow. I’m glad we were able to set it in time.”

He goes to retrieve a small bottle, gaze finally meeting yours as he hands you the bottle. You check the label, a small wave of relief coursing through you as you realize what it is. The physician seems aware of your realization, but speaks up anyway with instructions.

“That’s for the pain. Two drops in his tea every morning, afternoon, and evening should help. Captain Levi is the tea fan, correct?”

You nod, and then find your voice.

“Yes, he’s the tea drinker around here.”

Levi barely seems coherent but he’s trying his best to be.

“I’m right here,” he slurs out, but his eyes are glassy and his brows are furrowed in pain. He can’t quite concentrate on anything that’s going on.

The physician addresses him properly, a hand gently laying on Levi’s shoulder.

“You can stay here, of course, but I’m fine with you going back to your quarters to rest and heal. I’ve found that it speeds up the healing process when one is home,” he says, and his eyes flicker to you momentarily before turning away.

Levi tugs you a little closer and you lean in, a hand caressing his cheek as he opens his mouth, clearly wanting to say something. The idea of being able to get out of here has made him a little more lucid, but his eyes are still closed.

“Get me...the hell out of here,” he croaks out in a faint voice, and you don’t need to be told twice.

You’re about to ask the doctor to fetch some help in getting Levi back to your quarters, but Levi’s already groaning and sitting up, his uninjured arm holding his stitched up torso.

“Whoa!” you gasp, hands trying to still him, but Levi’s still stronger than you even when he’s messed up like this. “Levi, don’t move too much....”

“I’m fine,” he grunts out, but it’s clear that he’s not when his legs give out and you have to scramble to catch him. His sturdy frame knocks the wind out of you a little bit, but you manage to keep him upright.

One look into Levi’s eyes and you can see that he’s determined to make it there without much help, save for you. So, you make the decision to go along with it despite the physician’s slightly disapproving gaze, and shift yours and Levi’s stances so that his good arm is slung around your shoulders and he’s able to lean into you more heavily.

“Scouts,” you hear the physician mutter as you guide Levi out.

It’s a relief to you when it dawns on you that Levi’s allowing most of his weight to settle on you, his feet shuffling slowly as you guide him back to your shared room. What keeps you going is the steady breaths that leave him, and his steady heartbeat that you faintly feel against your ribcage.

He’ll be fine.

-----

The fact that Levi’s fresh stitches didn’t rip is a miracle in itself, and you don’t push your luck. He’s in your shared bed as quick as you can get him there, and you immediately order him not to move.

After you get him into clean clothes to sleep in, you become less bossy and lean down to smile at him, tears once again fighting to push onto your lash line. You win out against them, swallowing back your panic and sadness and relief so that you can smile down at Levi gently and help him get comfortable in bed.

“I’m gonna make you some tea now,” you whisper to him, gentle as you rearrange the pillows around him. “I’ll be back soon.”

Levi is quiet but he nods, not able to meet your eyes, and you have a sneaking suspicion as to why, but you don’t bring it up now. Instead, you swipe the medicine bottle and stuff it into your pocket, heading for the door, but the call of your name stops you.

“I don’t want that shit in my tea,” he protests, and now instead of fighting tears, you fight the urge to roll your eyes.

“You’re in pain, Levi, don’t be stubborn,” you reply over your shoulder. “You won’t even taste it in your tea. I’ll make sure of it.”

Another miracle that happens is Levi actually relenting to something. Usually, he puts up more of a fight. This is just a testament to how much pain he’s in, and it makes your heart ache.

As you wander off to the kitchen and begin a pot of tea, you finally let yourself release a few whirlwind emotions. You promised yourself you wouldn’t let Levi see you cry and so far you’ve done a good job. But now, in solitude, you let those tears escape, you let a sorry little whimper reverberate through your throat - you let yourself feel the sorrow and the relief and the crippling fear that have been pumping through you ever since Erwin came knocking at your door.

Even Captain Levi Ackerman gets hurt. You have to remind yourself of that. But that’s not what makes you sad. He’s not Captain Levi for you anymore. He’s just Levi. He’s the greatest love you’ve ever had, the love of your life, and he’s in so much pain and he’s battered up and you weren’t there to help him.

Then the guilt crashes into you, more domineering than all those other previous emotions, and it makes you tremble as you prepare Levi’s tea just the way he likes it, plus a couple of drops of something else that will help take some of his pain away.

You’re back in your room only minutes later, and Levi is right where you left him, only now his eyes are up at the ceiling and he looks absolutely spent and haunted. You can only imagine what he saw out there, what he lost out there.

“Here you go,” you murmur, setting down the tray so you can help him sit up slowly so as to not agitate all his sutures. He still winces in pain and you wince just at the sight of that, but quickly recover so you can set the tray next to his lap.

Levi lifts the teacup to his lips with his good hand and takes a sip, the smallest sigh leaving him, and you feel yourself relaxing when his face melts from troubled to semi-calm.

There are so many things you want to say to him, so many things you want to ask, but you know it’s best to just swallow it all down for now and focus on one thing: getting Levi better.

And though Levi looks slightly calmer than before, he’s still tense, rigid against your soft palm as you rest it against his shoulder. You slide your palm up to cup his neck, massage the back of it lightly, and then sigh as you lean in to peck his shoulder through his shirt. Levi leans into your touch, like he did when the physician was stitching him up, and it makes your heart swell.

As he finishes his tea, you can noticeably see the effects of his medication kicking in. Levi gradually loosens up and his eyes droop. Maybe, for once, he can actually get a decent night of sleep.

You take his cup from him and set it back on the tray, and then set that aside so you can crawl into your side of the bed. Though you’re dying to crush him to your side and feel him next to you, you know you should be careful and opt for placing your hand on his chest, directly above his heart. It’s beating as steadily as ever. It’s telling you that he’s alive and right here. He’s safe. And he’ll be okay.

Levi is drowsier, and he’s lying back down. His eyes are closed but you know he’s still awake.

“Get some sleep,” you whisper in his ear, your hand reluctantly moving from his chest to his mussed hair. You comb it back from his forehead, feeling his temperature with the back of your hand while you’re at it, and then nudge your nose to his cheek affectionately. “Let me take care of you.”

You know the ask is big. Levi isn’t used to being taken care of; it makes him uncomfortable. He doesn’t know how to handle the attention on him. Even now, being with him as long as you have, he still tenses up and doesn’t know how to react when you try to care for him.

That being said, he doesn’t not want it. Especially with the medication coursing through him, it’s almost as if you’re seeing a whole new side to Levi. Right now, teetering on the edge of consciousness and dreams, he looks so frail and innocent.

When Levi’s breathing slows to signal that he’s sleeping, and when his face relaxes into a more peaceful expression, he looks so much younger. You watch him instead of getting any rest yourself, just like Levi has done to you countless times before. You should be sleeping, because of your own head injury from training, but you don’t. It’s not as important as making Levi feel safe.

-----

Admittedly, you do drift off as the night drags on. You’re constantly fluttering between a dream and reality, the only constant between the two being Levi.

Levi, fortunately (and surprisingly), has been sleeping and hasn’t really moved an inch. The bags under his eyes appear less noticeable, though you’re thinking that that’s just your imagination. But it makes you feel good to know that he’s finally resting.

When he starts breaking out into a sweat, your body jerks back to being fully awake, and you sit up to inspect him. His brows are slightly furrowed and there’s the faintest frown on his face, and you immediately worry.

As quietly as you can, you slip off the bed and go to fetch a small bowl of cool water and a rag. It doesn’t take you any more than a couple of minutes, but when you return, you’re met with a borderline panicked Levi, who is now sitting up and looking around the room frantically. You’ve never seen him in such a state. When he sees you return, he relaxes a little, but his eyes are still a little wild.

“What happened?” you ask as you move to sit by the bed next to him, but you don’t get any other words out before Levi has you in his arms in a strong hug. You’re afraid that this is hurting him, so you try to be gentle, but it only makes Levi hug you harder. “Levi, what’s wrong? Be careful not to hurt yourself like this…”

“Had a bad dream. Thought you were…” He doesn’t need to say anything else. You know what he’s trying to convey. Levi has dreams like this often, and though he’s still getting used to showing more emotion, more affection, he always pulls you a little closer when those dreams hit him.

“Lie back down,” you murmur in his ear, but he’s having none of it.

This is a different Levi.

Not different in a bad way. Just… different. He’s never held you this way before, he’s never ached so much for your touch. Though part of you is thrilled and a little moved, the other part of you is hurting, because you know that he must have gone through something awful to get like this.

It’s not until you look into his eyes that you realize it’s probably also the medication in full force, especially since he’s awake and not sleeping it off.

He’s your Levi but he’s also another version of your Levi that you haven’t uncovered yet.

“Had a dream you’d gone out there with me,” he admits, eyes glossy as you help him lie back down. His gaze never leaves you and, even though he’s clearly out of it, his gaze is intense. “I’m so glad you didn’t go.”

It was the exact opposite of what you’d been thinking this entire time. You’d wished and wished to have been there, to have protected him, but you know deep down that he would have been protecting you. And you probably would have died.

Now, more than ever, you feel so protective over Levi. He is, of course, the strongest person anyone knows. You know how much it weighs on him. It’s been your mission since day one of your relationship to try and give back a fraction of what he gives you.

“I’m right here, always,” you promise him quietly, wetting the rag and twisting some excess water out before dabbing it across his forehead. Your free hand finds his, the one not in a sling, and you swallow thickly when his fingers intertwine with yours. He’s still looking at you, but you make a point to watch what you’re doing. You’re afraid that you’ll crumble if you meet his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he says after a minute of silence.

Your eyes widen as you finally find his gaze, which is still on you, and his grip on your hands tightens imperceptibly.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about,” you remind him, but Levi shakes his head.

“I worried you, I know I did,” he starts, “I’m sorry for worrying you.”

At that, you soften and set the rag down on the bedside table, cupping his cheek affectionately as you stare at each other. He doesn’t seem to mind that your hand is still slightly damp, and you don’t care either.

“Let me take care of you,” is all you tell him, a repeat of your request from earlier. And again, Levi doesn’t protest like he normally would.

You press the most gentle kiss to his lips, which he immediately deepens by letting go of your hand to cup the back of your neck. He doesn’t pull away until you’re both breathless.

“Stop treating me like I’m made of glass,” he says against your lips, which is fair. You’ve been extra careful, extra gentle, and Levi definitely doesn’t like that.

“I’m sorry.” Now it’s your turn to apologize, and Levi shakes his head softly, refusing to hear it.

“Nothing to apologize for,” he assures you, before pulling you into another kiss. This time, you’re not as careful, and let yourself get lost in it before breaking away again.

It’s what helps you relax and finally loosen up the tension radiating through your body since finding Levi in the medic ward. It feels like you’re finally able to sigh out all the weight that’s been on your shoulders.

“Hey.” He grabs your attention again and you focus on Levi again, your hand moving from his cheek to grab at the one at your neck.

“What?”

“...You know that I love you, right?”

He looks so embarrassed suddenly, and you don’t miss the flush of color at his cheeks. It makes you finally smile, just a small one, and you give him a nod.

“Of course. And I love you, and you know that, I’m sure,” you respond.

“I know that,” he confirms.

It’s quiet again and you’re about to reach for the rag again, but then Levi’s hand squeezes yours and he pulls it up and presses a kiss to the back of it. His eyes close momentarily, and you relish in the feeling of his warm lips on your skin.

“One day,” he murmurs against your skin, sighing a little. You tilt your head in confusion.

“One day what?”

Levi’s eyes are open again, the silvery hues boring into you once more as he rests your hand on his chest so you can feel his heart again.

“One day, I’ll get to marry you.”

He doesn’t blush as much this time, but he clears his throat uncomfortably, as if you’ll recoil away, but all his words do is make you lean in, surprised, as you search his face for a hint of a lie or a joke.

Neither of you have ever mentioned a future together, frankly because it seems almost impossible right now.

And then you’re smiling warmly, a soft curve of one that’s not too big or wide, but just loving enough to make Levi relax.

“Oh yeah?” you prod, hunching over to press your ear to his chest, close to where your hand is. His heart is beating faster. “I like the sound of that.” You’re referring to both his words and his heartbeat, but he doesn’t need to know that.

“I want all of this to be over,” Levi says into your hair, nose nuzzled into your scalp. “I want to give you everything I can. We deserve to be happy.”

It’s easier for him to say what’s on his mind when you’re not making eye contact, you realize. So you stay as you are, head on his chest, even though it’s slightly uncomfortable. You don’t know when you’ll hear this again. You don’t know if Levi will show this side of himself again, without the help of his apparently potent medicine.

“We could have a house,” you say, so quiet that the words barely even hit the air. But Levi hears, like he always does, and he rubs your arm affectionately.

“We could,” he agrees, just as quiet. “I’d like it to be away from everyone else. What do you think?”

“I agree,” you chuckle, closing your eyes as you smile again. “I can’t wait.”

His heart beats even faster.

“It’s going to happen,” he says, so firmly that it feels as though his wish has already been granted. He’s just cemented your future. “We’ll be married, and we’ll have a house on the edge of town, and this will all be over.”

The idea of a future like that is being dangled in front of you and you tear up a little when you realize it’s just out of your reach right now. There’s no house, there’s no real chance at a real marriage yet, there’s no end in sight for the war you’re fighting. And either of you could die at any moment. The universe has shown you that with Levi; even the strongest are vulnerable to fate.

“Let’s pretend it’s like that,” you whisper, swallowing back your tears. “Just for a little while.”

Neither of you say another word, both of you succumbing to the frail little fantasy of being the only two people in the world, with everything you want, with no pain or sacrifice. Everything falls away and, with your eyes closed and your head on Levi’s chest, you can almost feel yourself cozied up in this make-believe home you’ve talked about, with this nightmare being nothing but a blurry past memory.

When Levi’s heartbeat slows and his breath evens out once again, you sit up and take a look at him. He’s peaceful looking again.

After pressing a kiss to his forehead, satisfied that he has no fever and he’s not sweating bullets, you get comfortable in a chair that you move to the side of the bed, steeling yourself for a night of wakefulness. But, watching Levi, it’s worth it. You’d do this for him a million times over, because you love him, and he loves you, and you’re doing it to ensure the future he sees with you.

Your hand stays on his chest to feel his heartbeat.

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