#health then alcohol but has the same long term effect basically. so I’m also not really supposed to drink

[mangoku]

I’m not allergic but a secret forth thing!

[cant-think-of-anything]

I think part of the reason that there’s such a dissonance between what kind of character Matthew is ~supposed~ to have and what kind of poor traits shine through, especially in his treatment of Alastair, is not just because of CC’s poor handling of alcoholism (and, in my opinion, mental health issues and depression) but also because: Our first introduction to these characters happened a long ways before some major changes to TLH.

Namely… Alastair and Cordelia were basically white in CC’s original planning. There’s just no way around that. Their flower cards, where they’re not just whitewashed but purely white, prove that (and they STILL haven’t been updated, by the way.)

Also, Alastair’s hair: in CoG it was dyed blond, and CC wrote it off implicitly as a racism thing when she decided he was Persian (which I guess happened after the short story where we met Alastair and before TLH) , which would have been fine it if it was an arc written better. Except, I don’t think she realized that it would make Matthew’s comments about Alastair inherently and obviously racist, being a white author. And I doubt that it will be dealt with and named or even acknowledged outright in the final TLH installment.

Kind of the same thing with Cordelia. I’m not saying POC can’t have like red hair because obviously POC don’t come in a prepackaged set of five or six traits that are all configured randomly, but something has always rubbed me the wrong way about the way that CC writes the majority of her POC and especially WOC as exotic. I mean, Kamala as a character is to me a special favorite (even though CC did her dirty and didn’t do a good job portraying her character or intersectional identity) but I rolled my eyes so hard when she had lighter brown or “amber” eyes in canon or officially commissioned art. With Cordelia, I know CC once said she uses henna to redden her hair which is great for her, and I guess I have less of a bone to pick with that because it’s semi(?) realistic, but still. Also the fact that so much of her description as a beautiful person comes from her hair. Again that’s cool, and women of color should be loved wholly including being loved for the parts of them that they freely change (such as Cordelia’s hair) but… the proportion of the fixation on her hair as what makes her lovely rubs me the wrong way sometimes. I feel like it’s sometimes an out from CC making the ~scandalous~ decision that a woman of color can be beautiful because of the traits she is born with. Idk it’s just for me I had this long standing repulsion towards my colorings and my facial structure and white girls would tell me I was whiny about it and then I finally began to piece together things like “Eurocentric beauty standards.”

Going on a tangent slightly, but something else that bothered me was when Anna insulted Cordelia after buying her those dresses and everyone kinda treating it as a compliment? And just cause Cordelia, a fictional teenager, didn’t get mad about it doesn’t mean readers of color can’t see the underlying racism behind “Cordelia looks MUCH better in these dresses which are SUITED for her skin tone.”

I think that narrative could have been handled much better: if it was Cordelia picking out her own clothes as an act of maturity and self-realization and ownership, if Cordelia herself said (in a different way lol) “Damn right I can wear lavender ruffles if I want to and crimp my hair but I’m not going to let white fashion prevent me from outshining everyone because dark skinned women INVENTED jewel tones.” And I think some people will argue that Cordelia’s context makes this too self aware of a development but I would say that it would have been a powerful part of her development outside of her relationships, especially considering that she’s supposed to be a main protagonist. Full arcs for the win baby!

But even aside from all that what bothered me about Anna’s dresses was the fact that it was a white woman showing the “truth” or the “right way” or “saving” a woman of color, a trope which I don’t think CC intended but committed nonetheless. I think from a white author POV the thinking was “Anna is such a free bohemian who lives true to herself and she’s going to help Cordelia become that way too,” which irks me because I feel like that just worked against CC in terms of POC rep and also because that same ideology is used in an attempt to make Anna’s treatment of Kamala justified even though Anna as an out person, with racial and economic privilege and the support of an extensive and powerful family network, pressured and tormented Kamala into coming out.

I have a lot of thoughts on that relationship, mainly: it shouldn’t have been dragged out this long because from the beginning, Every Exquisite Thing, it was clear they were looking for different things. And if CC had left it at that and let them go on their separate ways after a week of knowing each other that would have been fine: Kamala can’t do an out and proud relationship and Anna doesn’t want secrecy, so they’ll develop on their own. And then later Kamala’s pursuit of Anna in the actual TLH books was I think meant to be a thing about “the lengths you’ll go for true love” but it felt forced. Honestly… It just feels icky. like this woman of color is just so hung up on this white woman who abuses her repeatedly and can’t handle her own misogyny and internalizations. And I hate that because both had such awesome potential! To me it’s less that I dislike Anna ( I’d need a whole other post to explain that) and more that I dislike CC for wanting so bad to claim sapphic rep but not wanting to put in the effort to portray it effectively- and pretty much all that entails is writing the relationship without acting like it exists in a pseudo-vacuum where the history and realities of interracial relationships and queerphobia don’t exist in the way we obviously recognize and experience.

And characters like Cordelia and Alastair are amazing and have so much potential; I think the true origin of the problems with their portrayal is that they weren’t really intended as POC or even queer representation in the first place. I don’t know if Cassie would have taken a different approach to her characterization had she known Alastair would be a brown gay man when she first introduced him, but I hope it would have at least made her more conscientious of the inherent application of colonialism and racism in her storytelling from that point onward.

I want to finally add that I’m not saying any portrayal of racism is bad. I’m saying that the racism in the story is not part of a conscious framework that critiques racism appropriately. I think CC wrote the beginnings of the narrative, decided she was going to develop the diversity point content, and then either didn’t look back at the older content to analyze it and the other (white characters) through a new lens of race and outsiderness and queer personhood, or she looked at it and didn’t know what to do with it, or looked at it and didn’t care.

Sorry this got so long! Thanks for listening.

- A.

I feel like CC handled everything poorly in regards to characters who had a lot of potential.

The fact that Cordelia and Alastair are both originally white and it's so obvious in the way every bit of racism is handled by the characters. Matthew's comments in CLS are very important and they should've been handled with the same severity that Alastair's words were. CC changing the characters to POC was a big decision and when she did so she should've went back and actually read her own material. I can assure you that it will not be handled in CHOT, my expectations for CC recognizing the importance and gravity in the words she writes regarding racism or any of her "implied racism" bullshit have gone to the ground.

Because while golden eyes are obviously so easy to write when discussing discrimination obviously racism is out of the question /j

THAT'S EXACTLY IT, women of color in these books are so pathetically rare that on the rare occurrence that she does write them they should all be given these features that aren't as common in POC and written as more beautiful because of those features. I read CHOG after I became more appreciative of my ethnic features but if I had read this a year or so ago? Or even if I had read it after just feeling insecure in general? It would've been awful. The implication is that the lighter features in POC are the most beautiful, with Cordelia's red hair being put on a higher pedestal than her dark eyes and Kamala's eyes being focused on more than her hair (because I literally went back and counted the numbers to prove it and it's exactly what happens.)

I'm sure Cordelia's hair is stunning, but it's the way that when she's described (or more accurately being sexualized) it is just her hair and body that is shown, not the color of her skin or the color of her eyes.

God the pastel thing pisses me off so much. It's not even that Anna tells Cordelia that she would look better in darker colors it's that she says it suits her skin tone. Implying that anyone with brown skin should be barred from wearing pastels. And Kamala? In the few times she is described, she's wearing dark colors or champagne gold, never light blue or purple or pink WHICH HONESTLY SUITS HER PERSONALITY. It's also the way that the dresses Anna sent her are described to be more revealing- it's weird. Anna barely knew her when she started dictating everything that Cordelia could put on her body.

“Damn right I can wear lavender ruffles if I want to and crimp my hair but I’m not going to let white fashion prevent me from outshining everyone because dark skinned women INVENTED jewel tones.”

I literally would have loved that. It recognizes that she doesn't need to follow these "rules" on what to wear but still shows her choosing what she wants to wear without making all the darker skinned readers feel like they can't wear a certain color.

I think what some people fail to realize is that these books are also aimed at upper elementary and middle school and a middle schooler with dark skin reading something like that? In a book with characters they love? It's going to be so harmful

Someone else mentioned that CC said Kamanna's relationship was complicated because Kamala didn't defend Anna: Defend her FROM WHAT? Literally what is there to threaten Anna?

These books are filled with tokenism and then praised for it. The idea of Kamala X Anna has so much potential but they're portrayed in such a toxic way. Throughout the last through books Kamala puts herself through so much guilt and regret and turmoil just for Anna to literally use her, blame her, and cast her aside. And it's so fucking annoying because it pushes this idea that this woman of color who was terrified and in an extremely vulnerable position is in the wrong for choosing her safety and presents them as guilty and shameful for doing such a thing.

I would disagree, the portrayal of racism is bad, because it is used at random points in the story and never brought up again, if you interduce racism take it seriously it's not the kind of thing you're meant to half-ass in a book thousands of people will read

I agree on everything else though, so much of these books are incredibly harmful and they are presented to a young audience so it's overall just a gross situation

Thank you for the ask though! I loved answering this, if you ever have anything else you're more than welcome to come back <3

[michals]

That post reminded me I never actually posted this and it's one of those ‘kind of embarrassing I spent so much time on it but I’m posting it because I spent so much damn time on it’ things.

Klaus and Luther similarities/parallels

So the show doesn’t give us a ton of Luther and Klaus interaction but I think just them being the characters they are they’re really similar and have interesting parallels.

Of all the siblings I think it’s actually Luther and Klaus who are the most diametrically opposed in terms of their place in the Academy and their childhood. Obviously there’s the dynamic between Reggie explicitly calling Luther his favorite and Klaus his biggest disappointment, both of them had high expectations thrust upon them and one excelled and the other failed. But then again Luther was set up to excel and Klaus to fail. For all that Reggie wanted from Klaus he went about it in entirely the wrong way which only hurt Klaus’s abilities, and comparatively Luther’s powers are very straight forward so his training had to be mental in that he became exactly what Reggie wanted him to be.

Basically: Reggie’s abuse had opposite effects on them. Luther was brainwashed and isolated, Klaus was discarded and left to fend for himself. Luther loves/trusts his dad, Klaus hates him. Luther thinks they have a purpose and what they did was worthwhile, Klaus thinks it was all a big joke and meant nothing beyond Reggie’s little experiment. Luther’s at one end of the spectrum, Klaus the other, and everyone else falls somewhere in between.

How they show the effects of their abuse however, is actually more in sync. Klaus has a habit of either ignoring or talking around problems, acting like they’re not problems, or being flippant about them. Klaus acknowledges Reggie’s abuse but it’s usually in a jokey, casual manner, he usually moves on from talking about it quickly without getting too deep. He knows Reggie did a number on them but confronting it head on is difficult. And this is from a character who’s been in multiple rehab centers that obviously include some kind of therapy sessions.

Luther of course outright denies it until he’s faced with it in the worst way, and even then he can’t really get his head around it. One of the first things he did when landing in the 60s was to go to Reggie and expect him to welcome him, even though he doesn’t even know him. And then for all his talk in s2 about having moved on it reads like lip service, it sounds like he knows that’s what he should say, what he should feel, but it’s not entirely working. It’s like he’s just trying to dismiss it to the point where he will literally run away from the conversation. I still think the moment of him telling Sparrowverse Reggie that he’s happy they’re all home and together is a huge sign that he still thinks of Reggie as his dad no matter what.

Klaus and Luther either don’t know how to talk about their trauma or aren’t willing to. Whether it’s that Luther still doesn’t want to face up to it completely or that perhaps he does have the littlest bit of hope that actually Reggie did care and there was/is a chance he might care yet, or with Klaus trying to put the trauma on the backburner so he doesn’t have to relive it or process it in a way that means he won’t be able to drink it away or perhaps be forced to confront the powers that have caused him so much pain.

I also think they are genuinely sensitive. Not in the same way the others are, but empathetic and gentle in ways they never got to explore as children. I think that emotional wounds go much deeper than they let on. They’re always on the cusp of reaching out but not only do they not like dealing with their problems, they were taught not to. If given the chance they’d probably be happy to play support for the others but that wasn’t Reggie’s goal. I can easily imagine Luther as the kind of leader who takes everyone’s plans and thoughts into account and makes sense of it from there, who’s better at dictating than just demanding. And I imagine Klaus would probably be capable of understanding and connecting to his ghosts in a way that helps both him and them if he had been given different training.

Next is how both of them have poor self esteem and what comes across as a passive view of self preservation. Klaus has a very conflicted view of his place within the Academy. Apparently he was regulated to being the ‘look out’ often and wasn’t as active as the others. Obviously this is because of his complicated relationship with his powers and how Reggie treated him within the group dynamic. If he didn’t think Klaus was important (because he wasn’t doing what he was supposed to) then he wasn’t important. Now, having embraced his place as the black sheep of the family, Klaus still doesn’t know where he fits in and often comes across as “useless” (in quotes cause obvs that’s not the whole story, just a simplification).

Just in general he sees himself as an outsider. For all that he’s flippant and casually cocky he’s not actually all that confident in what he’s capable of to the point of not even trying sometimes because he’s convinced he’ll fail. It’s a smokescreen. It goes hand in hand with him not confronting his feelings or trauma, easier to play like he’s confident than to deal with it.

Luther’s self esteem came entirely from his place in the Academy and his father’s opinion and what Reggie made him. Even then his confidence gets shaken all the time when someone doesn’t listen to him or when they argue with him. He too tries to cover this up, Klaus is glib Luther is bossy. Then there’s the whole gorilla body thing, which he is very obviously mortified by. (Side note: interesting contrast in Klaus being usually the least physically covered up sibling and Luther being the most.) He’s wildly ashamed and embarrassed by his appearance. (There’s a whole other point I could make about how Luther only willingly shows his body when he’s being exploited and pummeled – or high – but that’s another post.)

Then Luther’s whole foundation crumbles with the discovery of Reggie’s true nature. He doesn’t have much left after that and then he’s dropped into a foreign world with no one and no way of coping and then Reggie once again lets him down. What’s he do? Gets into a situation that mirrors his relationship with Reggie, lets himself be taken advantage of, does what he’s told to the point of physical harm - because he knows nothing else and the bet is he doesn’t think he deserves better. Then he spends all of season 2 saying that he messed up, he’s not a hero, he’s not a leader and that he has no place thinking highly of himself. Guy straight up doesn’t have any self esteem at this point.

(Klaus also doesn't see himself as a hero even though he was on a literal superhero team.)

And in terms of their sense of self preservation: Klaus obviously has very little regard for his own health and wellbeing. Even if he doesn’t throw himself in front of bullets he’s still drinking and doing drugs to an extreme degree, to the point where they’ve actually killed him. He knows it’s bad for him, he knows it’s dangerous but he doesn’t care. Even with Ben in his ear he continues. When he dies in s1 he’s relieved.

Speaking of throwing one’s self in front of a bullet: Luther does this 3 times that we see. This comes obviously from his protectiveness as a leader but there’s an undercurrent of other people surviving being more important than him getting hurt. And when Five comes to him to say the world’s ending again Luther says he doesn’t give a shit. The Luther from s1 was all about saving the day, s2 Luther is shrugging and saying ‘yeah well, so what?’ and when he does start to care it’s mostly because he’s looking out for Five.

(Sidenote: I realize that my headcanon that Luther is becoming an alcoholic and has an unhealthy relationship with drugs is probably me reading into things but were the show to go in that direction: that they both would find comfort or an escape through substances would be another thing to tie them together and explore how their traumas affected them and what they do to deal with/avoid dealing with them. They’ve become pessimistic about the prospect of answers or catharsis so they look for escape instead.)

(Also also pointing out that the two times Luther was the most candid about his trauma was when he was drunk/high and one of those times was with Klaus – who for the first time in probably a long time, or ever, got to be the shoulder someone cried on. And what a great thematic idea that it’d be the two of them that’d be the most honest and open with each other eventually.)

Bonus item: Luther and Klaus have both died outside of their apocalypse related deaths (pretty sure Allison never actually died in s1 but was close) and in ways that none of the others were there for. Neither of them have talked about it. Maybe it’s because they don’t want to seem weaker than they already are, maybe it’s more of that ‘let’s not talk about trauma, let’s just get drunk’ mentality, or maybe it’s because they don’t think anyone would care. None of the others have really talked to Luther about the accident or the aftermath, none of them have approached Klaus’s addictions as an actual problem. Whatever reason why it would probably do them a world of good to find out they have that in common in the same way it would be good for Luther and Five to talk about their isolation.

They really seem like they should be very different characters in all respects and they really are in a lot of ways but there’s also this laundry list of ways they mirror each other or are similar and I hope the show takes advantage of that.

[phantom-le6]

Film Review - Justice League vs The Fatal Five

Hello all, and welcome to my first review on Tumblr in the wake of Facebook scrapping its Notes functionality, thereby forcing me to shift platforms (a practice I hope I won’t have to keep repeating).  To kick off my use of this new posting platform, I’m reviewing one of the two new films I got for Christmas, or rather the two films that are totally new to my collection; the other films I got were better copies of films I already own.  Anyway, we’re taking another dip into the world of DC Comics direct-to-home release animation with a look at Justice League vs The Fatal Five.

Before we get in the review itself, however, quick bit of house-keeping for anyone who hasn’t read one of my reviews before. The structure of my reviews is intro paragraph or two, a plot summary for anyone who has seen the film before and wants to refresh their memory, then the review itself.  The plot and the review are both clearly labelled, so to avoid spoilers just scroll past the section headed as ‘plot’ to the one labelled ‘review’.  Got all that? Ok, then here we go… 

Plot (adapted from Wikipedia):

In the 31st century, Mano, Tharok and Persuader of the Fatal Five attack the Legion of Super-Heroes' headquarters for their time sphere. Star Boy, Saturn Girl and Brainiac 5 try to keep them back but fail. Just as the villains activate the sphere, Star Boy leaps at them and is taken along. Arriving in the 21st century above Earth, Star Boy triggers a boobytrap Brainiac 5 programmed, trapping the villains inside the sphere in a stasis field. Star Boy comes down in Gotham City while the sphere ends up in Metropolis. Star Boy discovers his supply of medicine, needed to stabilize his mind, was destroyed in his rough landing. As his medicine doesn't exist yet, Star Boy's increasingly erratic behaviour gets him apprehended by Batman and taken to Arkham Asylum. The stasis-locked time machine is picked up by Superman and brought to the Justice League's headquarters for analysis. 

Ten months later, Jessica Cruz is struggling with the trauma of her near-death by a murderer who killed her friends, making her afraid to leave her apartment. To add to her anxiety, she has been chosen by a Green Lantern power ring and Wonder Woman keeps trying to recruit her into the Justice League. In Gotham, Miss Martian is trying to prove herself to Batman for membership in the League, but her inexperience works against her good intentions. While trying to unlock the secret of the strange sphere, Mister Terrific accidentally brings down the stasis field, freeing its occupants. Superman and Mister Terrific fight them, but Superman is wounded by Persuader's axe and the villains escape.

 Star Boy's memory is jogged by a news report of the fight, and he breaks out of Arkham. The Justice League members compare notes about these mysterious assailants and discover they are time travellers; and from Star Boy's words, Batman deduces that they are after Jessica. When the three villains attack Jessica, Star Boy comes to her rescue, followed by Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Mister Terrific, and Miss Martian, who force them into flight after a hard struggle. In the aftermath, Star Boy and Jessica form a close friendship based on the fact that both of them are struggling with their mental health.

To find out more about their guests from the future, Batman instructs Miss Martian to telepathically link them (Batman, Miss Martian and Jessica) with Star Boy's memories, thus learning about the Legion. They witness a battle between the Legion and the Fatal Five, which ended with the capture of Mano's lover Emerald Empress and Validus; as there was no prison that could hold them in the 31st century, the Legion took them to Oa in the 21st century. They also learn that if Star Boy misses more than two doses of his medication, it will cease to work and prevent him being in the Legion. 

Upon their awakening, the League receives an ultimatum from Mano: Surrender Jessica or all American cities will be destroyed by bombs created by Tharok. The first bombings start in Metropolis, forcing the Justice League to move out. Left behind with Star Boy in the Watchtower, Jessica is contacted by Tharok through her ring, forcing her to surrender herself to the Five and enable them entry to Oa's prison cells. Despite interference by Kilowog and Salaak, Emerald Empress and Validus are freed, and when Jessica fights back, Persuader cleaves her ring in two. Afterwards, Emerald Empress has her Emerald Eye of Ekron steal the energy of the Central Power Battery, and the Five return to Earth to recover the time sphere. 

In the meantime, Star Boy discovers Jessica's absence and informs the League. The heroes proceed to the time machine's location, a secret US military base, where the Fatal Five force them into battle. Emerald Empress subdues the Justice League and then initiates her master plan to use the Lantern's power to destroy Earth's sun, wipe out humanity, and thus prevent the formation of the Legion in their time. On Oa, Jessica recovers her faith and determination, and by reciting the Green Lantern oath, she reassembles her power ring. Brought back to her apartment by the ring, Jessica flies to the base and prevents the Fatal Five from escaping back to their own era by bringing the whole base down upon them, killing the supervillains. 

Superman, Jessica and Star Boy race after the Eye, but are too late to prevent it from plunging into the sun. As the star cracks apart, Star Boy sacrifices himself by lowering himself into the sun's core and using his powers to reverse the fracturing. In the final scene as the Justice League members commemorate Star Boy's heroism, they are joined by the Legion who have come from the future to honour their fallen comrade. Batman also grants Miss Martian admission into the League for her bravery.

Review:

This film is basically an original story not adapted from anything in particular, and although it is done in the style of the DC Animated Universe that originally revolved around the Batman, Superman and Justice League animated shows of the 1990’s and 2000’s, it is apparently meant to be a stand-alone narrative.  Cast-wise, we get back the like of Kevin Conroy, George Newbern and Susan Eisenberg to reprise their roles as the DC Trinity (Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman) from the Justice League animated series, and well-known voice actors like Kevin Michael Richardson and Tara Strong also feature in this production. 

In terms of character, we’re certainly getting a bit of a different Justice League line-up while also getting DC’s future team the Legion of Superheroes worked into the mix, primarily through the character of Star Boy and the film’s antagonists the Fatal Five.  In terms of the League itself, the customary League core that is the DC Trinity is in place, but then we have no Flash, Miss Martian in place of the better-known Martian Manhunter, and Mr Terrific to add to the team’s diversity in place of using Cyborg.  Finally, we have Jessica Cruz as the team’s Green Lantern, and it’s the use of her and Star Boy in this film that makes this film stand out from any other DC films, because both of these heroes are neurodiverse. 

As fans of more modern DC comics stories, or anyone who has looked into this film’s behind-the-scenes extras, will know, Star Boy is a schizophrenic, but by the 31st century there is medication to manage the behaviours that this form of neurodiversity can cause, so it’s not an uncommon idea among DC’s writers to show Star Boy getting trapped in our time without this medication.  During the Justice League era between Infinity Crisis and Final Crisis (not long before DC did its new 52 reboot and decided to stick to buying pre-2000 Marvel lore), the comics did in fact do this as part of the Legion coming back in time to bring back Wally West, the then-Flash who had become stuck in the Speed Force with his wife and children during the Infinity Crisis. 

By the same token, Jessica Cruz is a Green Lantern who has crippling anxiety following a traumatic event, so she’s having to use a lot of willpower to overcome that anxiety and function like anyone else.  Given that Green Lanterns are chosen based on their ability to overcome great fear, not only does it make a lot of sense for someone battling anxiety to be chosen as a Green Lantern, but it also very effectively demonstrates a much more positive and healthier take on mental illness in the world of superheroes. Granted, DC isn’t being particularly original in this regard; Iron Man’s alcoholism in the comics and his PTSD in the MCU show that Marvel has at least one heroic character that they’ve been willing to showcase as a positive example of what people can do despite being mentally different to others.  Sadly, neither company has yet done a good, positive, accurate take on autism yet, but then if they did, I’d have less fodder for my novel writing. 

Putting two neurodiverse heroes at the core of this film really makes it a great one to watch just because for once it means the neurodiverse characters aren’t the stereotypical crazed villain types and the idiotic stereotypes that stem from such misuse of the mentally divergent in fiction get combatted a little.  Granted, it would have been nicer if DC and WB could have demonstrated this kind of pro-mental health attitude in its live-action film wing by not making the Joker solo film and doing something more akin to this film in its place. There is no doubt in my mind that DC and WB need to put more of the staff behind their animated films on DCEU projects if it ever hopes to seriously compete with the MCU. 

Otherwise, the film is largely just a good diversion; well-animated, well-performed, but not a huge level of plot depth despite putting two neurodiverse characters front and centre on the side of the heroes. Hopefully going forward DC and WB can address that on some future film, either animated or live-action.  For now, I’m going to content myself by handing down a score of 9 out of 10.

[hilllsnholland]

Karma (1) - Halloween Series

Pairing: Demon!Tom Holland x Angel!Reader

W.c: 3.8k 

Warnings: Mentions of religion, gun violence, trauma, and other dark themes! 

Summary: Y/N wants nothing more than to find out the truth about her life before she died. This includes becoming an Angel agent, curing the world of evil, and meeting The Creator and to finally get the answers she’s looking for. That’s until she meets Tom, a Demon, her supposed nemesis of all people. Yet, there’s something about him that isn’t right? He’s…good. Leaving Y/N to wonder, who she can really trust in this balancing game of Good and Evil.

A/N: Only one day late!! Haha but no seriously I really love this idea and I’m really excited for you guys to read this! It’s really different from anything I’ve ever written so don’t be so harsh? and enjoy!

In bright, yellow glowing letters a sign hung over the Embassy building. The residents looked past it, knowing the message like it was their first words.

Everything must be balanced

This was a common phrase used in the Place. It was hung up in every office, every tavern (yes there’s alcohol in the Place), and even homes. It was a reminder to ever Angel what their purpose was which was to outweigh the bad from the Demons. All Angels could live in perfect paradise in the Place as long as they lived by this message. This included basking in the heavenly glow, spending eternity with their loved ones, and be blessed by The Creator at random times in the day.

It wasn’t known to common earth-folk that this system was in place. Versions of this concept were spread out upon every culture and religion, but no one could really hit it right on the head. Especially the part about Angels and Demons. The biggest point they got wrong was that they were not what books and movies predicted them to be. They were not some holier, glowing beings, or monsters with horns and pitchforks. They were beings that the human mind could not comprehend, but they did get one thing right. Angels control all the good in the world and Demons control all the bad. It was their jobs, quite literally. To gain access to all the amenities the Place, or the Under, had to offer, you had to work or give back in some way.

Which is why Y/N, a level five Angel, was rushing through the crowd of co-workers to get to the assignment area. Y/N, a young but skillful angel, had just gotten done with another assignment. She had miraculously saved a person from a near-death car accident, bending the metal of the car so the person was unscathed Medical personnel were even amazed at the incident, as the car was completely smashed in except for the driver's seat.

It came natural to her, like she was born to do this. Y/N had even thought that maybe her life back on Earth had something to do with it. All Angels were born on Earth, and when they died the Creator granted them the ability to become an Angel. The only downside is that people don’t take their memories with them to the Place. Y/N had spent so many days, weeks, months trying to figure out what she did back on Earth. Her memory was wiped though. She could remember her family, where she grew up, and what schools she went to, but nothing else. She was a blank canvas, like the rest of the Angels.

“Y/N! Back already?”

Y/N turned to see Sloane, a friend and fellow Angel agent, standing behind her. Her shining blonde hair and innocent face made her look like a biblical Angel. She was perfect for this job, as Y/N would agree, but Y/N knew she was better.

“It was a quickie save. I need to get at least three more assignments done by the end of the quarter if I want to reach Level Six.”

“That’s insane! You only started at the Embassy two years ago and you’re already more than halfway to Level Ten.” Sloane gasped.

If Y/N reached top levels before her third year was up then she would be fastest Angel to ever do so. Reaching Level Ten was the equivalent to an earth-folk retirement. If you chose so, that is. Not many Angels get to that point, mainly because the Afterlife was so relaxed, but if you did then you had two options; one was to retire and live in the Place in peace, and two was to meet the Creator. The Creator, an unimaginable force that only a handful of people ever met. Also Y/N’s goal. The Creator had the answers that Y/N desperately wanted, and it was obvious that nothing was going to stand in her way.

“That’s the plan.” Y/N said with a confident smile.

Y/N placed her completion ticket onto the counter of the assignment outpost, still looking at Sloane. The worker rolled his eyes, knowing Y/N very well.

“You know quick doesn’t always mean afficient,” Carlos sasses.

“But it’s me so you know it’s done with perfection,” Y/N bats her eyelashes. “Just admit it, you love me. I’m your favorite Agent,”

Carlos laughs, stamping her completion paper and snapping his fingers. The paper disappeared into a puff of bright light, a perk of being a top employee at the Embassy. Carlos was a long time friend of Y/N’s, he was the first one she met when she arrived in the Place almost two and a half years ago. He was a trusted friend, advisor, and mentor. He reminded Y/N of someone, but she couldn’t figure out who.

That was the one thing about the place she didn’t like, It was blips of happiness and sadness that you couldn’t place. It was a constant state of deja vu, putting the pieces together into a puzzle that never matched. But it didn’t matter, because people were guaranteed to meet their loved ones in the Place. It was a waiting game though that Y/N had become impatient for.

“I can not confirm or deny,” Carlos winks at the two women. “What do you want next? I got a miracle recitation or…”

“Boring!”

“Wait for the ‘Or’!” Carlos points his pen at her warningly. “...OR a bank robbery with a miracle rescue,”

“Drama! Excitement! I need that assignment,” Y/N clutched her chest dramatically and held her hand out for the form.

Carlos chuckled, knowing that Y/N was one to take on the most. It was a chance for her to show off her ability, and more so to be given the praise she needs. Carlos stamps off the form and gives it to Y/N. Her eyes instantly go to the point value, 115 points if she handles this mission perfectly. Minimal death, positive outcomes, no long term effects on the rest of the world. Y/N looks to Sloane and proudly shows off her points.

“Guess who’s going to be a Level Six by the end of the day?”

_

A knife pierced through the air and hit the cork board sitting behind the young man in the chair. The man didn’t flinch, blinking his eyes slowly in boredom. He watched as another man pace around a desk, swearing and muttering about incompetence.

“What do you have to say for yourself?” Kaiser screamed.

The knife lifted off the cork board and fell into Tom’s lap.

“I did the job. I don’t understand why you’re angry,” Tom said calmly.

The knife flew into Kaiser’s hand, gripping it tightly until flames engulfed the blade. Tom didn’t bat an eye. This is how Kaiser showed disappointment and Tom wasn’t going to fall for it today. Besides, the mission wasn’t a failure in Tom’s eyes.

He was sent on a mission to create a catastrophic tsunami over a small village in the East. Which he did, but there were no casualties. There was significant building damage and people were injured. No death though.

“People needed to die!” Kaiser raged.

“They will. They have poor health care so the likelihood of them dying from their injuries is quite high-”

“Not if the Angels get to them!”

There he goes again. Always about the Angels, never thinking about the Demons. Tom blinked his eyes again to try to suppress the yawn that was bubbling in his throat. He wanted this meeting over with so he can go back home. Tom half-assed his assignments to get home quicker that was all. Or at least that’s what he told Kaiser.

“You’re the worst Demon we’ve had in an eternity!” Kaiser threw himself back into the desk and held his head.

Tom watched Kaiser’s horns pierce through the stack of paperwork he had on his desk and subconsciously felt where his should be. There were two small bumps on his head where horns should be. It was hidden by curly hair but it didn’t matter anyway. Decades in the Under and he hadn’t earned them yet. Mainly due to his own doing, or lack of doing that is.

Tom remembered his first years in the Under, after the Creator placed him there as a child, and how he strived to get his horns. Years went on though, and something didn’t feel right. The destruction that fueled the Under didn’t make him happy. It filled him with dread. It angered him. Tom kept that a secret though because fallen Angels go to the Under, but fallen Demons go to the darkness.

“You need to step up Tom,” Kaiser sighed. “You’re here for eternity so you better start enjoying it,”

Kaiser’s red eyes met Tom’s, pity is all he saw. Kaiser had put so much effort into making Tom the best Demon in his division, yet it was all wasted. Guilt was not a word in the Under, but Tom felt it. He felt a lot of emotions the other Demons couldn’t.

“The Creator put you here for a reason-”

“It doesn’t make sense,” Tom finally raised his voice. “Why do they create us but choose the Angels? We’re basically their...kids right? It doesn’t make sense,”

“Don’t invoke the answers you don’t want,” Kaiser warned and lifted a book off the shelf. “Read this if you want answers,”

The Manuscript fell into Tom’s lap which a painful thud. Earth-folk have a different name for it depending on what religion belong to, but most of its the same. Tom rolled his eyes, placing the Manuscript onto the desk.

“I know what it says but-”

“No. More. Questions.” Kaiser ordered and held out his palm. “Take this,”

A piece of paper appeared in his hand in a burst of flames. Tom took it, looking over the assignment with a scowl. Kaiser really knew how to punish him alright. Tom stood up, breathing sharply as he headed for the door. Kaiser watched him, arms crossed with a devilish smile.

“Now, kill someone or don’t come back,”

Tom hated how easy those words came from Kaiser’s mouth. He forced a knowing smile, nodding his head as he gripped the handle. It was burning hot, his hands tingling from the heat. Tom pushed forward though, knowing it was one of Kaiser’s tricks to persuade him to actually do the job. Tom met Kaiser’s eyes one more time, nodding more confidently as the door swung open.

“Won’t let you down,”

_

Y/N rushed through the back alley, jumping (or more like phasing) over the trashcans and muck. Nobody said saving the world was pretty. She darted for the backdoor of the bank, holding her hand out towards the handle and twisting her hand. The door slowly opened with a quiet creak. Although nobody could see her while she was in her hidden form, she still had to be cautious that no one caught her. Her cloak looked blindingly white to her, but to the common Earth-folk, she was invisible. Another perk of being a high leveled Angel, you get amazing gear.

The bank seemed normal though as she passed through. The bankers were doing their job while the customers waited in line patiently. Y/N looked to her watch, any minute now some crazy guy would enter with a gun and she needed to be ready. The least amount of casualties the better, especially for her score.

The door chimed as a person walked in. Y/N, who was hiding around the corner, watched as the man entered in a long coat, wearing mostly black. It was time to move. Y/N darted through the main hall only to see a familiar shadow slipping through the cracks of the door. The shadow turned into a mist that formed into a real person wearing a dark cloak. A Demon of all people. The Demon shook his head, cracking his knuckles as he was ready for work.

Y/N had never seen a Demon look this young before though. Most of them were older ones from earlier dawns of time. This one though looked to be her age. His hair was soft and curly, framing his face delicately. He had a strong face, but so boyish. He looked so innocent, no horns to be seen either. He must be a young Demon then, or a newbie in the field. He was...cute though? He would’ve been a perfect Angel if he was born human.

“Everybody get down!” The man yelled as bullets went flying into the air.

Shit. Y/N was so focused on the Demon that she forgot about her own mission. The Demon seemed surprised too, springing into action to grab the robber. It was time for the negotiation. Whenever an Angel and Demon were on opposite sides of an assignment, they have to come to an agreement on how it’ll play out. How many survivors, other damages, and how likely this will affect the rest of the world.

“Hey!” Y/N yelled.

The Demon finally saw her, his curly mess of hair moving as he looked to her. Both their hands reach out and everything stops. The terrified patrons are frozen, the gunman mid trigger pull is stuck. The only people who can move are Y/N and the Demon.

“Tell me your name!” Y/N demands.

“It’s Tom,” His eyes narrow at her. “And you are?”

“Y/N. What’s your wager?”

Tom looks at her puzzled. His eyes scanned the room, landing on the eldery couple sitting on the floor in terror, the pregnant woman holding her stomach, and the bank teller who was in tears. What could he wager? This was not his life to gamble?

“I-I don’t know,” Tom admits. “Are you really an Angel?”

Y/N stares at him. He’s stiff, hand still outright to control the time lock.

“Y-yes,”

“Where are your wings-”

“None of your business,” Y/N says quickly.

Her hand is pulsing a white glow now, strong that Tom’s timelock and it’s engulfing his hand in a heavenly warmth. Not like the Unders, but it feels like a hug. It feels so soft that Tom never wants it to go away. It leaves as swiftly as it appeared as Y/N realized her anger bubbling. She had to keep her cool. She had to get this right.

“I just thought Angels had wings. That’s all,” Tom watches as his words get under Y/N’s skin.

“Listen, we could go on and on about my lack of wings, but right now we should focus on negotiating a deal. How many people will you take?”

“I don’t-”

“You can have a maximum of five,”

Losing five would only reduce her score to a 110. A still passing score that gets her so close to leveling up in the ranks.

“What? No!”

Five lives taken? It shouldn’t have shocked Tom as much but it did. An Angel willing to give up five lives was unheard of? Y/N flusters, stepping forward with her hand out.

“I’m not taking five lives. I just need one,” Tom asserts and points to the robber. “I’m hoping it’s him,”

It had to be a trick, Y/N thought. Demons were tricky, they were not to be trusted. That’s all Y/N heard at the Embassy. Both of them lock eyes on each other, hands still straight out keeping everything frozen, and for a brief second both of them felt something change. Y/N took a step closer to make sure what she saw was real. There was glow illuminating Tom and it was heavenly.

“What are you playing here?” Y/N shouts, ready to fight him.

“Nothing! I don’t want anyone to die,”

“That’s impossible…”

Tom watched as Y/N’s eyes turned dark, her hand dropping to her side. Suddenly his hand was sizzling. It was like it was on fire again. He took his hand back, clutching it to his chest and stumbling to the floor.. Everything resumed like it was before, the robber was pushing the gun into the face of the teller, demanding money. Y/N sprung into action, bolting for the gunman.

Confidence flooded through her as she bounded for the gun, her hand passed through it in an attempt to stall it from shooting anymore. Tom rolled onto his stomach, aching in pain. Everything felt hazy and he could barely get himself up. She hadn’t attacked him though. When they disconnected...it hurt?

“Give me all the money or everyone is going to die!” The robber slammed his fist onto the counter.

“It’s in the vault. You have to let me take you to the vault,” The bank teller cries.

Y/N steps back, wondering how to fix this mess. It would have been easier if that Demon just negotiated with her. Now she had to figure it out on her own while he was on the floor. The teller holds her hands up with the keys to take the robber to the vault. Everyone is watching, sweating and crying. It suddenly hits her. The button, she had to press the emergency button. It wasn’t the heroic way she was planning, but it was her best shot of getting a good score. Y/N phased through the desk, fumbling around underneath the desk until she hit the button. Now all she had to do was make sure nobody died.

“Stop!” Tom yelled out.

He finally got to his feet and was trying to run towards the robber. He’s clutching his side and phasing through the gun. He’s trying to unjam it, Y/N thought. He had an agenda just like her, but he had to be difficult. Y/N groaned, rushing over to the robber and the teller. Y/N grabbed Tom and threw him into the wall, his body burning more intensely.

“Are you crazy? Let me go!” Tom thrashes around and kicks Y/N away.

“I’m trying to save humanity here,” Y/N snaps back and jams the gun again.

The teller is placing keys through the locked door that leads to the vault. All they had to do was make it down there with no deaths and Y/N would have this job in the bag. If Tom was getting her way though then it might have to get ugly.

“It seems like you’re the bad guy here,” Tom braces himself for a fight as he side steps towards the robber.

Before Y/N can even respond there are sirens. The blue and red lights shine through the window and relief washes over the victims lying on the ground. Y/N is about to celebrate until there’s an empty trigger.

“You fucking called the cops?” The robber slams his gun onto the wall and then pressed it to the teller’s head. “You’re gonna die,” He hisses into the tellers ear.

It’s a split second but it goes so slowly. It was almost like they had time locked again, but they were not in control. Y/N grabbed the Robber while Tom slides toward the teller. Y/N knows what she has to do, jam the gun again. But...she doesn’t want to. Coldness comes over her suddenly. Her hands are bitter cold.

Thoughts of betrayal, sadness, and anger consumed her as she grabs the top of the gun. Jamming is no longer in her head. All she can think of is letting the gun shoot the teller. She snaps back, horrified by her thoughts. Her hand goes to grab the gun but it’s already gone. The bullet has already been shot, but there was no trigger. His hands did not move. Y/N freezes.

The bullet pierced through the air, the ringing blasting everyone’s ear. Tom stands up fully, his hand coming up and igniting the bullet into flames. Y/N holds back a breath, believing that he was going to murder this woman right in front of her. But it doesn’t. The bullet redirects and falls onto the ground. The woman gasps, reacting to the almost magical occurence that saved her life. Tom waves his hand again and the Robber is on the floor, convulsing.

Y/N is still frozen. She couldn’t believe her eyes. Tom, the Demon, had saved someone? Tom pushes the hair out of his eyes and stands over the body of the Robber. He places his hand on the man’s forehead and suddenly the life leaves him. Y/N can see the soul fall onto the floor and disappear. He had killed him. What she would have expected from a Demon, but she was still shocked.

“He didn’t pull the trigger,” Tom mutters as he walks towards her.

“I know-”

“You caused the trigger to go off. I watched you. You tried to kill that woman.”

Y/N met his eyes. They were not black nor red like the others. They were wa arm brown. His face was so soft, even the blankness in his stare was electrifying. It felt familiar again. Just like the feeling with Carlos.

“What kind of Angel are you?” Tom places his hand on her back, feeling the notches where her wings hid.

Y/N steps away, slapping his hand away. It hurt though, like he was freezing her to death.

“The kind of Angel who won’t tell anyone if you don’t,” She warns and points to the woman. “I’m sure your people won’t like it if they found out you refused to kill anyone.”

Tom nods, tightening his cloak around his body as he walked away. There was nothing to say at this point. It was a fluke interaction, a mission that went horribly wrong. Y/N watched Tom disappear as cops flooded through the building, guns up high and escorting victims out of the scene. Y/N stood in the midst of it though, holding up her assignment sheet as it filled itself out.

113/155

That was printed in the score box on the top of her paper. Usually ,that would spark joy in her, but it validated what she had thought all along. The little whispers in the back of her mind that she was too afraid to say. She scanned the comment sections where it read.

‘.5 point deduction for trauma done to Lydia Richards’

A picture of the bank teller appeared next to the comment. She was held at gun point, almost died, and watched a man mysteriously die in front of her. Yeah, she was gonna have issues.

‘.5 point deduction in communicating with a Demon for more than ten minutes’

And finally

‘1 point for causing suspicion with mysterious death’

It was true. A woman’s life being forever changed was worth less than how the Angels were perceived to Earth-folks. Talking with a Demon on how many lives would be ruined was worth the same as ruining a life though. It made sense to the other agents. It made sense to The Creator. But it never made sense to her, and that was the point. The Place made no sense, and neither did the rules. Not even the description of Demons fit anymore.

Fear drove her to silence about these worries, and it would still drive her to hide her feelings, but now it was clear. This was not just a Y/N issue, it was seen by one other person. Tom, the Demon boy who saved a life. Unheard of, or maybe that’s what Y/N was taught. Either way, she needed to find Tom again and get some answers.

//

//

//

Taglist: 

@hopeless-starry-kingdom / @1-800-ahh-crap / @spnqueen02 / @heatherhollowayst

[scripttorture]

would corporal punishment, esp when excessive and mainly meant to humiliate, different from torture (sorry i'm not very clear on definition of torture)? would the effects on the victim be different? also, is resistance usually the effect of torture? is it possible to get demoralized as a victim of torture? or would it be something like a case-by-case scenario, dpending on the person?

There are a lot of quite complex issues being raised here so I’m a little unsure where to start.

 Perhaps the best place is with this: corporal punishment is harmful and what is judged ‘excessive’ is… often decided in a way which does not reflect the extent of that harm but instead focuses on how ‘bad’ an outsider thinks the abuse looks.

 But corporal punishment is not necessarily torture because the definition of torture does not actually cover what the abuse is. Torture is a legally defined sub-set of abuse. For something to be torture it needs to meet the following criteria:

Causes pain or distress

The attacker is aware it causes pain or distress

The attacker is a government employee or works for a group that controls territory

The attack happens while the attacker is at work (ie in an official capacity)

The attack has one of the following motives: to punish, intimidate, force a confession or attempt to obtain information

 Corporal punishment automatically meets several of these criteria but it may not meet one of the most important ones: who is the abuser and who do they work for.

 A teacher in a government run school hitting their pupils is a torturer. The same teacher hitting their children at home is an abuser.

 Some countries count large organised criminal gangs as groups capable of torture. Some do not and prosecute these crimes as assault instead.

 So whether corporal punishment in your story is technically torture really depends on how you’ve constructed the world and who the abusers are.

 In terms of the victim, no the effects are not different.

 Depending on the scenario you’re picturing there may be a difference in degree: there’s a difference between a child who is hit once by their teacher and one who is subjected to a consistent campaign of abuse over several years.

 In a torture scenario we are generally talking about the latter; regular violent attacks over a prolonged period of time.

 But there are studies that show even ‘mild’ corporal punishment of children (ie smacking) has lasting negative consequences. There’s a short New Scientist article here that discusses the research. Children who are smacked are more likely to have mental health problems, low self esteem, depression and alcohol addiction in adulthood. They are also more likely to misbehave.

 Based on that data I feel quite confident saying that whatever the scale of abuse corporal punishment is harmful and does not help anyone.

 As for the effects of torture- I think it depends on what you mean by ‘resistant’ and ‘demoralised’.

 When I say ‘torture encourages resistance’ what I mean is a rather specific ‘torture makes survivors strongly oppose their torturers and any groups they associate with their torturers.’

 Not everyone uses the word ‘resistant’ in that way. A lot of people associate the word with violent action and not all torture survivors oppose torturers in violent ways.

 Torture produces a refusal to cooperate. It creates opposition.

 But that opposition can look very different in different people and it can combine with the long term symptoms torture survivors to… discourage overt action.

 For example a survivor may refuse to participate in an escape attempt, even though they’ll be tortured if they stay. That isn’t because they want to stay or because they’ve ‘lost their will’. It’s because they know what the chances of success are, and they are usually very very low.

 Some people in that situation will choose to take the risk. Others will choose not to. I don’t think, based on what survivors say, this is because they’ve chosen to ‘obey’ their abusers. It’s because they’re waiting for the best possible chance.

 Sometimes that chance never comes. Sometimes people don’t act. Because the price always seems to high, the chance of success too slim.

 Sometimes they don’t act because they see the way the world treats survivors and they think they’re more likely to die if they succeed. Unfortunately that assessment is often correct.

 What I’m driving at here is that I don’t think it’s fair to treat ‘resistant’ and ‘demoralised’ as if they’re opposite ends of a scale here. Survivors can be extremely demoralised and still act. They can also hold on tight to hope and not act, because they’re waiting for a better chance.

 On a basic level, I’d say that yes torture survivors can be ‘demoralised’ as a result of torture.

 Because a common long term symptom is depression.

 But it’s important to put that statement in it’s proper context.

 Torture does not and can not change a survivor’s strongly held beliefs.

 Torturers have no control over, or way to predict which symptoms a victim will develop.

 A survivor can suffer from severe depression, even be suicidal, as a result of torture and still oppose torturers. Sometimes they can do it extremely effectively.

 All of this comes together to mean that torturers do not have any sort of long term control over survivors. Survivors can be depressed but not all of them are. And it’s wrong to treat depression-related demoralisation as an unwavering emotion.

 Torture survivors experience the same range of emotion as everyone else. They are not ‘stuck’ on one emotion, be it depression or rage.

 Fundamentally they are people. They are varied. They change with time.

 Pain and suffering do not take away our humanity. People do not ‘break’. We’re just not built that way.

 And that means that the reality of torture survivors is more complex, more messy, more human then the fictional tropes we generally see.

Availableon Wordpress.

Disclaimer

[infiniteglitterfall]

Hi! I have atypical autism and I’m having trouble at work. I feel like no work place is working out for me because of my diagnosis. I’m uncomfortable around my colleagues, I’m quiet, I don’t know when to speak or what to say etc. I’m sad, mad and frustrated that this ruins every work place for me and I don’t know what job would fit me. I’ve never told my bosses that I have atypical autism and I don’t want to do it either. I want advice on what I should do

this is a great question!  I didn’t know what atypical autism was, but I googled it and it sounds like  they came up with this because they can’t call it asperger’s anymore? “a subthreshold diagnosis, presenting with some symptoms of autism but insufficient to meet criteria for a diagnosis of childhood autism (or autistic disorder). Alternatively, atypical autism can be diagnosed when there is a late onset of symptomatology.” Aka DDNOS, apparently.  From my perspective, it doesn’t sound different from any other autistic experience. FWIW. I think they tend to base their diagnostic labels more on how we seem from the outside than what our experiences really are. just my onion It sounds like you’re struggling with social anxiety, in that special vicious-cycle kind of way where not knowing how to interact with people makes you more anxious, and that makes it harder to interact with them, which makes you more anxious....?  The nice thing about vicious cycles is that you only have to knock out part of the cycle to make the whole thing fall apart. Like: if you didn’t feel anxious about not knowing when to speak or what to say, it would be easier to figure out when to speak or what to say. Which, in turn, would give you less reason to feel anxious about it, et cetera.  Or, if you knew what to say to them and how to hit it off, you would have fewer triggers for your anxiety, which would then make it easier to.... you get the idea.  There are a lot of things that help with social anxiety. I am going to give a shout-out to medication, first of all. There are a lot of life hacks and therapeutic techniques that help a lot. And for yeeeeeaaaars, I didn’t realize that I really had anxiety, and also, thought that I “should” see if I could manage anything myself before “resorting to” meds.  Turns out, medication saves me a TON of spoons, which I was previously using to “manage” depression, anxiety, and ADHD. You would not BELIEVE how much more energy and just general functionality I had when I finally got my meds right. OMFG.  It can be a pain in the ass to find the right medication, especially if it means first having to find a medical practitioner that can help you and then having to explain the situation. Sometimes you find something that helps you right away. Sometimes you have to try different things to find something that works well enough. Sometimes you get the fun of “doesn’t work for me AND has bad side effects for me.” (OTOH, when looking at side effects, always remember that you might not get any of the side effects.)  IMHO, the hardest part of finding the right medication is that a lot of practitioners don’t know how to track whether it’s helping you or not. Or whether it’s helping ENOUGH. Like: I got on anxiety meds that were starting to help, but which were making my ADHD meds not work.  I tried a bunch of other things, and finally got Vyvanse to work for my ADHD. But I managed to FORGET that my anxiety meds weren’t doing anything, for a full year, until things got really bad and I was like “wait a minute... these should be helping????” And I did some research, accidentally found a competent psychiatrist, and found that Cymbalta worked for me... but even then, if I hadn’t found decent tools for assessing if it was enough, I would’ve stopped at like half the dose I actually needed to be on.  This post is gonna be long as it is, so I’m gonna reblog to add different tools you can use to gauge what’s working, and which will help medical professionals understand what you’re experiencing. (Because tbh, they’re often just plain ignorant about this shit.)  You do not necessarily have to go to a psychiatrist to get medication for anxiety, social or otherwise! My partner’s OBGYN prescribed him depression meds. My family doctor was willing to prescribe stuff for depression and anxiety, but only if it was something that didn’t potentially interact with ADHD meds. My chosen brother’s doctor was asking EVERYBODY, after the 2016 election, how they were doing and if they needed depression/anxiety meds. (And they’re in North Carolina!) He had never really thought about it before, and in fact, when he started taking them, his social anxiety got so much better that he was doing shit like going back into the store to tell them they’d given him too much change. He was the one who got me to think about taking them. He had a little kid, and he was like, "I’m doing this for my family.”  Ok, medication aside:  Some kinds of therapy are really good for figuring out how to interact with people. I’ve been learning a lot about different modalities, and I would recommend finding someone who does what’s called “relational therapy” or “relational-cultural therapy.”  Basically, relational therapy is ALL about learning how to interact with people and have better relationships of all kinds. It’s very connected with issues of marginalization: people who are into relational therapy learn about how marginalization, and abuse, affect us and our relationships. Like, how we can internalize a ton of shame, just from being autistic and being devalued by the people around us. Even just from existing in a world that doesn’t value or understand how we communicate, and how we experience things.  And it’s really good for identifying that stuff, healing from the struggles of trying to interact with people, and learning how to relate to people in a way that works for you.  I found an organization that explains it pretty well (”Are you anxious when it comes to social situations like the workplace?... If we are depressed or anxious, inevitably it can be traced back to tension or breakdowns in relationships, or an inability to connect”), has a blog post in the sidebar called “Signs of Aspergers In Adults - Sound Familiar?” and apparently does therapy globally via Skype. I have never used them, I don’t know anything about them, I just googled “relational therapy” “online therapist.” (Shockingly, tho, that blog post not only links to one by an actually autistic person, but is very positive about autistic traits. I’m impressed so far. And I’m sure there are other options out there, too.) Lastly (as far as Things That I Personally Know Work go), I’ve gotten a LOT of recovery around social anxiety, and learned how to build relationships at work, from 12-step programs.  The reason it works for that, as far as I can tell, is:  • It’s a peer-led model, where everyone is equal. (this was huge to me, because I really struggled for a long time with feeling like everyone knew better than I did and had more of a right to talk about anything than I did, and therapy was a tough way to deal with things at that point because I saw the therapist as A Professional who’s In Charge.)  • There’s a lot of emphasis on the fact that the newcomer who just walked into the room has as much of a right to give input in a business meeting, or to volunteer to help out with something that doesn’t require specific experience, or to share what’s going on with them, as anybody else.  • Everybody there has gone through the same stuff as you, and anybody who’s helping you is showing you what worked for them, not what they were taught would work for people. That can be a pretty big difference, especially in terms of being able to relate to them and share personal things with them.  • Working the steps involves a lot of writing about your fears and resentments, and looking at, basically, what has and hasn’t worked for you, and why it hasn’t worked. Really, what you're doing there is seeing where you can reclaim your power. And then you deal with a lot of shame, and get to discover how much you’re like other people, and how much you’re equal to other people, and that you’re a good addition to the world. • You also connect with your intuition, when working the steps, and develop a better sense of what’s intuition and what’s fear/anxiety. That, and sharing in meetings, REALLY helped me get a sense of what to say to people and get comfortable saying things. (A lot of people shorthand what I’m calling “intuition” as “god,” but it’s very much supposed to be a nonreligious idea of “god.” and IME, it’s basically your intuition, whether your belief system says that’s god talking to you, or a psychological thing, or a mystical force, or what.)  Plus, 12-step stuff is free, which I’m very much in favor of lol. And most 12-step orgs have phone meetings and online meetings, so you don’t even have to go in person if that’s a barrier. (and in a phone meeting, they might not even know you’re there!) The tricky part can be figuring out which 12-step groups are good in your area and what might work for you. Because they range from Alcoholics Anonymous to, like... what’s the most obscure one I can think of? ARTS Anonymous, I guess. (it’s for artists who are stuck, it’s not saying art is an addiction)  But if you wanted to try 12-step for this, I would say that Emotions Anonymous is really good for dealing with all sorts of emotional and mental health stuff. (and holy shit, they have an app????) Adult Children of Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Families has, iirc, a good book, (as well as all the meetings and whatnot) and most people probably qualify for that. If you have any experience with sexual assault, abuse, harassment, or being cheated on, COSA is good, and you end up working on all your other relationships and emotional stuff along the way. 

[jswdmb1]

I Wanna Be Sedated

“Hurry, hurry, hurry 

before I go insane

Can't control my fingers, 

can't control my brain”

- The Ramones

All of our resources have been focused on two things: keeping people alive and keeping the economy afloat.  It is hard to argue the prioritization of those two areas and it is understandable that there are not resources beyond what we have already marshalled to focus on anything further down the list.  But I worry that we are just burying another landmine in the ground that we’ll be stepping on sooner than later if we forget about it.  I am talking about the complete and brutal destruction of our mental health both collectively and individually.

 Before I go further, I must repeat that I completely support the efforts of social shutdown and shelter in place that are currently in effect.  It is literally the only tool we have to fight this pandemic as our leaders (most specifically the president) mocked its potential wrath when more could have been done to prepare and now we are boxed into a corner.  Experts warned long before this man even got nominated by his party that he was unfit for this office and an existential threat to our way of life.  It was just a matter of time before his vulgarity, stupidity and incompetence manifested into real pain and destruction, and that time is now.  I bring this up before delving into my primary subject because I still see polls and news reports that show there is a large percentage of people who still think there is overreaction to the crisis and that the president is doing a good job handling it.  If you believe either of those things, please stop reading now because you do not have the intellectual capacity to grasp what I am going to say.

 Now that we have established how we got here and who is responsible, the real question that everyone has on their minds is what is next.  We have been told to shelter-in-place for the foreseeable future and been given no further instructions.  The economic bill passed yesterday is the equivalent of treating a gunshot wound with a band-aid, and will be of little use as a real solution to the financial devastation that most people will experience long after those checks run out.  This combination has made it increasingly hard to keep strong mentally as the massive uncertainty weighs on our minds literally every hour of the day.  For a few days, we found some solace in things like getting outside, but now that is being quashed as acceptable.  We are pretty much under a house arrest with no defined sentence and we are being punished for no crime we ever committed.  Even a prisoner gets access to basic services such as counseling and religious freedoms, but not those of us at home.  In war, there is something known as collateral damage, and our civil liberties are fitting that description for the current crisis.  On top of all of that, the weather in my part of the country has been miserable.  It all adds up to one very grim picture.

 Some of you may not like that I am painting such a picture, but that to me contributes to our mental health crisis in the same way that putting our heads in the sand about the virus got us to where we stand today.  I am not alone in feelings of anxiety or depression, but it’s well known I have had both long before the virus hit our shores.  I feel it gives me a little bit of a perspective on this issue and why I see it a potentially more damaging long-term than anything we are experiencing today.  What I can tell you from experience is that it is not possible to work through profound feelings of depression by “just being positive”.  The two worst things you can tell a depressed person is that they have to remain positive and they need to work themselves out of their mood. That is akin to telling someone who is drowning that they need to come up for air and should go look for a lifejacket when they do.  Yet, all I see on social media and the news is that this is the “new normal” and “we’ll get through this”.  What are you talking about?  There is nothing normal about this at all.  Why on earth would anyone accept it as such?  And, how do you know that we’ll get through this?  What are you basing that on?  Have you been through a deadly pandemic before?  Have you sat under quarantine for weeks that will soon turn into months?  It literally grates on my nerves to hear such things as good tools to use to “get us out of our funk”.

 So, that begs the question about what do we do?  I will not pretend to have any real answers and certainly there is no quick fix.  But first, we all have to acknowledge that this problem exists, and it is at least on par with the other aspects of this crisis. And don’t say that it isn’t life-or-death because it is.  I predict in a matter of weeks, not months, that you will see a morbidly sharp increase in the suicide rate.  This is also incredibly damaging to the efforts of those trying to recover from addiction diseases, and many will not only succumb to their addictions without a support system to help them, but they will die as a result of this.  And the casualties are not limited to those who don’t make it.  The deep psychological scars left on the rest of us that manage to get through this will not heal without significant intervention.  I am particularly worried about our teens and young adults who were already not in a good place and I think are suffering more than most when it comes to the social isolation steps being implemented.  We all need to acknowledge that we are experiencing acute mental trauma and we cannot simply accept that as “normal”.

 If you cannot accept this as fact, then there is not much more I can do to help you.  You are going to suffer a similar fate as those who don’t believe we are in the middle of a deadly pandemic in the first place.  But if you are willing to accept that your mental health is (or will be) destroyed as a result of this, there are a couple of things that I have learned over the years that can help you cope:

 Depression, pain and anxiety are normal feelings and you should not feel guilty for feeling them.  By all means do not suppress those feelings as they fester without an outlet.  Also be aware that those around you will have these feelings as well and don’t shame them for not being “positive” or “constructive” for expressing them.  It is going to take a lot of patience along with some give and take to work with each other on this, but if we deny ourselves or others the freedom to express these emotions, we can’t even get started with healing.

Recognize that while many tools have been taken way from us that usually can be a big help, many others are still available.  We have to just be more creative and look for other doors that may be open when others have been shut.  One of my main outlets has been a group running program where I coach, and that is now gone in its old form.  But we are working hard to still get out and run (solo and never congregating) and support each other virtually.  It is not perfect, but it would be wrong to dismiss the sense of community we have built over the years because it is still alive and well no matter how far apart we are kept.  It may even be stronger when we eventually can see each other again.  That is just one example.  I recommend you take whatever you had before and look for ways to retool and still use that as something you can have that is a positive force in your life.  It could be that you have that taken away at some point, but then go back and retool it again.  If GM can retool its operations from cars to ventilators, we can certainly do the same on our micro levels.

Avoid using alcohol and drugs as a crutch.  I can tell you from direct experience that this is just about the worst way to deal with depression.  I am not saying you cannot enjoy a drink now and then, but I have already seen anecdotal evidence in some of my interactions on social media and elsewhere that this is not the case.  I know that I sound preachy here, but I’m just trying to help as I’m sure many of you may have not experienced profound depression like this before.  There is no doubt that the drink or drug of your choice feels good for a little bit and may even help you forget, but it is an incredibly slippery slope.  

For those who have committed to sobriety before this all went down, please hold onto that. It may be the only thing you have left that they can’t take away, and it is too valuable to give up so easily.  I know it is hard, the thought of heading down to the liquor store (which incredibly is still open and considered “essential”) has passed through my head more than once, but you have to let that feeling pass.  You know better than I that what I say in the preceding paragraph is true and heading off the path to sobriety will be a disaster.  I have heard that support groups are still meeting (as they have also been deemed essential) so consider a way to attend those (even virtually) if you are struggling with temptation.  If you have no such support mechanism, contact me directly through FaceBook Messenger. I am always willing to talk to someone who needs to work though a moment of crisis.  It’s a ridiculously impossible situation, but there is no other choice to hold on.

 I know that I sound like I am on a soapbox here, but that is not my intent.  This is more of a plea to everyone out there not to forget that mental health is a critical component of living and bodies free of disease are useless if our brains can’t function within them.  Please just remember that as you deal with the people in your house and those you interact with virtually.  While you may think you have the right answer in telling people to stay happy and chipper during a dark time, that is not how everyone feels and it could be damaging to their mental health if you ignore the danger signs they are presenting.  My guess is that anyone who has gone this far into reading this already knows that, but it is going to take some reminding for even the most empathetic and caring person among us.  Starting now can hopefully get ahead of issues that are already taking root so that we can move forward much more quickly with “normal” life if such a thing ever exists again.

 In the meantime, I sincerely hope that this finds you healthy and safe and that you are coping with the mental aspects of the situation better than me.  One outlet I have is this blog, and I have thought about suspending it during the crisis because I don’t have anything to say that people want to hear.  After writing this post, I realize now that would be the easy way out, and at the risk of being unpopular, I can not give up the fight to protect the most important organ in our bodies – our brain.  So, I’ll keep on keepin’ on, but just remember that I really am trying to help. I don’t want anyone to end up in a place that they can’t leave.  We’ve come too far to let that happen.

 Please take care everybody,

Jim

[roshanitandan-blog]

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[helshades]

Tip of the Nose: Eaux Thicker Than Water

Today, in our great series on the history of perfume(ry) that nobody really asked me for, I reply to a simple comment and manage to make it into a very long lecture on perfume concentration. Stay yourselves with flagons!

Eau de toilette or eau de parfum, perfume is never sold pure but diluted in a water-alcohol solution. In principle, the percentage of actual perfume determines the commercial appellation. In principle.

In any case: mind the French! Your reputation may depend on it.

——————————

@katbelleinthedark​:

Yes good. I have a lot of eau de toilette(s?) as I'm #poor&cheap and I never wear that as I always forget to use it. I once had the same bottle for 13 years.

Well, I occasionally wear perfumes from bottles issued in the 1970s and 1980s, so if the old bout of snobbery catches you off-guard sometime you can still pretend it is ~vintage~ juices you’re keeping. I’ve just placed a bid on EBay for a ‘perfume extract’ bottle of Jean Patou’s mythical Joy (definitely not the horrid recent Dior release of the same name) that was left unopened in a shoebox for decades, meaning there’s no way to tell if it’s actually wearable or not. I have issues. Mostly with my banker. [Edit: as it turned out, in a cruel twist of fate, that the bottle in question was actually a dummy. The seller, overtaken by doubt, finally broke the seal open and confirmed his worst suspicions. No Joy for me this year.]

In any case, it will be eau de toilette or eaux de toilette, not eau(x) de toilettes or you’d be suggesting that you’ve been lining up jars of toilet water on some cupboard shelf for years—not that I be judging, but still. Others might.

Although, technically, les toilettes in reference to the crapp... er, the loo, has only been a plural since the 20th century, and it isn’t necessarily true of all variants of French since the Belgians for instance still speak of la toilette. In any, the euphemism is transparent: it’s the equivalent of ‘the lavatory’. The French version mostly comes from the locution cabinet de toilette, referring to the small, private room specifically used (by rich people) to ready themselves for the day, and gradually, as hygienic practices progressed throughout the 19th century, for hygiene purposes as well: in other words, the equivalent to the English ‘bathroom’—and indeed it ended up being replaced by the latter’s literal equivalent, salle de bain.

Jean-Baptiste Fortuné de Fournier, Le Cabinet de toilette de l'Impératrice Eugénie à Saint-Cloud, 1860. Or when you realise that First Empire style is basically Donald Trump’s bathroom meeting Regency fashion.

   No, the toilette of eau de toilette is a more direct reference to the cosmetic aspects of a noble’s routine, as la toilette since the end of the 17th century has referred to the act of preparing oneself to appear in public. If the word literally translates as ‘small towel’, it’s only because the toilette, between the 14th and 16th centuries, had come to refer to the fine cloth that was laid on the table where one would set all utensils meant for personal adornment. By metonymy la toilette was then used to speak of these utensils, then the piece of furniture in question (the ‘dressing table’ in English), then, abstractly, the various acts by which nobles readied themselves to appear in public. A number of paintings have portrayed ladies ‘at their toilet’.

The eau de toilette as it’s known today appeared in the early 1900s, thanks to the ‘flappers’, fashion icons of the Roaring Twenties who sought perfumes they could wear easily all day long. Technically, an eau de toilette is lighten than an eau de parfum, which is lighter than the most concentrated extrait de parfum, which used to be the only concentration available, prepared on demand for a wealthy clientèle; in more ways than one, the eau de toilette started perfume’s democratisation as perfumers began selling their products in different concentrations; for example, Chanel commercialised the already-revolutionary N ͦ  5 (created in 1921) as an eau de toilette as soon as 1924. Of course, a lesser concentration meant that the resulting product was cheaper, sometimes considerably.

Perfume extracts contain 20–40% essences diluted in almost pure alcohol (90° at least), meaning that only a dab suffices to perfume someone for most of the day. If the product contains rare essences (which is to say, when raw materials were scarce or if the extraction process was particularly delicate), a dozen millilitres may cost ten times the eau de toilette’s price! Jean Patou’s Joy, first released in 1930 to exorcise the 1929 crisis that deprived the famous French couturier of most of his American clientèle, was advertised as ‘the costliest perfume in the world’—a slogan created by American columnist Elsa Maxwell, a good friend of Jean Patou (and incidentally a pioneer of the treasure-hunt party game, for those interested). A bottle of only 30ml of perfume extract required 10,600 jasmine flowers and over 300 roses, and these only were the main ingredients! Current price of the extract: €1,000 ($1,121)... In passing, the two top consumers of natural jasmine today are houses Chanel and Patou, which both have their own private jasmine fields in Grasse.

Traditionally, perfume is described following three stages in the perception of particular ‘notes’, that is to say, the most discernible odours which tend to be more easily scented right after spraying, or on the contrary ones that can be smelled on the skin long after the others have evaporated: the ‘head notes’ (notes de tête) or ‘top notes’; the ‘heart notes’ (notes de cœur) or ‘middle notes’; and the ‘base notes’ (in French the notes de fond, ‘bottom notes’. The unfortunate yet I suppose unavoidable comparisons with a certain portion of human anatomy may well have decided that English-speaking perfumers should stick to a plainer term). Certain molecules are extremely volatile and can only be perceived for a few minutes after spraying, others are rather more tenacious and serve as a structure for the whole assembly. In a typical extract, top notes will make for 20% of the perfume, middle notes around 30%, and base notes, 50% of it.

On the other hand, the normal composition of an eau de toilette today will be around 50% top notes that evaporate almost immediately, 30% middle notes that last for about fifteen minutes, and 20% base notes that won’t last the whole day. This can also be explained by the fact that an eau de toilette only contains 10% maximum of concentrated perfume, diluted in a 50°–60° alcohol solution. Closer to the extract is the eau de parfum, which contains 7–14% perfume, dissolved in 90° alcohol (almost as much alcohol as in the extract). Head notes make for 40% of the fragrance, the heart is 30% and at the bottom, 30% as well. The beginning is usually intense but the scent will still fade quicker than in an extract... Nevertheless, still more affordable than any extract.

By the way, the real reason why we have eau de parfum in the first place isn’t so much the need for a middle ground between extracts and the lighter eaux as... the delicate matter of French taxes on luxury goods, which passed the 33% threshold in the late 1970s. To circumvent it, in 1978, Cacharel released its new perfume Anaïs Anaïs in two distinct concentrations, the regular eau de toilette and the novel eau de parfum version. An interesting side effect of it was that with this new concentration, the fragrances weren’t quite identical, either. For example, the eau de parfum version of N ͦ  5 which Jacques Polge created in 1986 was made following the traditional recipe of the extract, except the accrued sweetness of the vanilla noticeably emphasised the vivid citrusy head. Some women got into the habit to buy both versions of a perfume, reserving the more concentrated one to the evening or special occasions, for instance. Although, quite frankly, in the 1980s, the eaux de toilette were many things, but ‘office-friendly’, they were not. (Will elaborate, one of these days.)

Alembics and a bed of roses at the Fragonard factory. House Fragonard, founded in 1926, is one of the oldest perfumeries in Grasse, the oldest being Molinard (est. 1849, which makes it one of the oldest in the world).

   I’m sure @thatiswhy will be thrilled to learn (or be reminded of the fact) that the mother of all alcohol-based perfumes is known as ‘Queen of Hungary’s water’, l’eau de la reine de Hongrie, maybe created in 1370 as a consequence of the European discovery of ethyl alcohol, or to be more accurate, the invention of the double distillation technique allowing one to separate in the alembic the ethanol from the foul-tasting esters. Before that, distillers added to their spirits such strong spices as anise or juniper berries, for instance, which covered the bad taste. In passing, the process of boiling a distillate several times is called cohobation, borrowed from alchemical lexicon (the etymology of Medieval Latin cohobare, as often is the case in this domain, is Arabic: كُهْبة, cohba, ‘brownish’, referring to the darker tint of the distilled liquid).

It is entirely possible that the initial recipe was based on an old formula for a rosemary tincture: the flowers were macerated in alcohol, but there was no distillation. This recipe was notably recommended by famous physician (and religious reformer) Arnaldus de Villa-Nova (c.1240–1311), who taught for many years at the prestigious Montpellier School of Medicine, before moving to Paris. He is, incidentally, credited with translating a number of medical texts from Arabic. He wasn’t the inventor of alcoholic maceration, of course, but his writings are an excellent illustration of what learned people thought to be good for the health at the time. Most often, there was little distinction made between substances that smelled good and remedies, and even in the 18th century perfume could still sell as an in-and-out panacea. The term elixir (borrowed from Arabic as well though the etymology is Greek), initially referring to a medicinal powder, was used in alchemy to speak either of the philosopher’s stone or a substance liable to cure all ills. Eventually, elixir came to refer to any alcoholic maceration of herbs, spices or fruits later distilled, to be employed as a medicine.

Historians have passionately debated which Hungarian queen exactly this miraculous ‘water’ was made for. It may have been Elizabeth of Poland (1305–1380), wife of Charles I Robert of Hungary. A popular legend had it that Queen Elizabeth obtained it from an angel and that it was so efficacious that she received a marriage proposal from the king of Poland at age 72—but historians have suggested that the confusion might stem from the fact that Elizabeth was named regent queen of Poland by her son in 1370...

Yes, alright, the legend might have been made up by perfumers who made an augmented recipe into a speciality of Montpellier during the 17th century; indeed, the first mention of it is found in 1660 savant books, at a time when the eau de Hongrie has become a favourite at Louis XIV’s court in Versailles. By that time, the old rosemary elixir was a more complex preparation, including marjoram, sage, lemon balm and cedrus. No matter the recipe, though, the use was unchanged: it was meant to be consumed or rubbed all over one’s skin, and expecting to heal migraines, various feminine vapours, rheumatisms, tinnitus, gout, palpitations, jaundice... (list far from exhaustive) up to the plague itself! Not to mention, of course, its many cosmetic advantages.

Note that such prestigious reputation isn’t completely unwarranted: ethanol is known today as ‘rubbing alcohol’ and ‘surgical alcohol’ for a good reason. Even though it is ineffective against bacterial spores, ethyl alcohol works well as an antiseptic against most fungi and bacteria, as well as a lot of viruses, killing organisms by denaturing their proteins and dissolving their lipids. This is a reason why spirits are known in several languages as ‘waters of life’: compare French eau de vie with Irish uisce beatha, for instance. In passing, alchemists were only trying to discover the recipe for an elixir of youth, you know.

   Actually, the closest the perfume world can get to the infamous ‘Kit Marlowe really was Shakespeare’s plays unless it was all De Vere’ cross-century quarrel may well be the neverending bickering between the respective heirs of the Feminis and Farina families, since we may never know who invented the eau de Cologne, only that it became a huge sensation without ever needing to hire a very bored-looking, starving, overpaid actress to pout next to a bottle of it for it to become the talk of several countries, and a bit of a misnomer.

Versions diverge and (oddly credible) documents abund, but here is the most diplomatic variant of the story: one Giovanni Paolo Feminis, born in 1666 in northern Piedmont, emigrated to Germany where he opened a distillery in Cologne in 1693, in which he sold diverse scented waters, including a special aqua mirabilis (‘marvellous water’) made from rosemary, melissa, bergamot, orange blossom, lemon and citron essences in spirit. The true origins of this formula are unknown, but it’s hard not to think of the Florentine basilica of Santa Maria Novella, where the Dominican monks opened a perfumery in 1612 (which still exists today, making it the oldest perfumery in the Western world) in addition to the mediaeval apothecary office where sold essences, elixirs, balms... This pharmacy was already active in the 1300s, when historians found traces of rose water being sold by the friars to help repel the plague. Dante Alighieri (1265–1321) was a frequent customer of the time.

The convent's most prized product was probably created to honour Catherine de’ Medici when she left for France in 1533 to be married to the future King Henry II (she would be Queen of France from 1547 till she was widowed in 1559, after which she ruled France as a regent for her second son Charles IX, officially and officiously. She was an impressive bitch, Kate was) and took with her an Acqua della Regina in which citrus essences predominated, bergamot in particular. This is, indeed, very reminiscent of the ‘marvellous water’ which the Feminis distillery sold in Cologne in the late 1600s as a digestive and hepatic remedy, an antiseptic and a painkiller. Business was successful and Feminis was even named an honorary member of the Cologne Chamber of Commerce. Nevertheless, the perfumer died heirless in 1736.

In 1709, Piedmont-born Giovanni Maria Farina (he came from a village which his family co-founded near Feminis’ hometown of Crana) came to Cologne, where his brother Giovanni Battista traded luxury goods; Giovanni Maria was meant to lead a subsidary of their export company dealing toiletries imported from Italia: soap, perfume, face powder, and also wigs, lace, silk stockings, tobacco boxes... In that time, Cologne had the enviable status of a ‘free and imperial city’, which is to say it was subordinate only to the Holy Roman Emperor, as opposed to territorial cities which had to answer to territorial lords. What that meant for commerce was that by the time the Farina family established themselves in Cologne, Catholic foreigners trading in luxury goods—which meant gold, silver, silk and perfume—were welcomed with open arms. The privilege was abolished under French occupation (1794–1814), meaning that anyone could settle; one of the direct consequences of this was a significant rise in eau de Cologne forgery!

The famous ‘John Maria Farina opposite Jülich's Square ltd.’ perfumery (one of the oldest active perfumeries, too) notably sold an Aqua admirabilis whose invigorating freshness contrasted with heavier classical perfumes. A hydrolat (a result of steam distillation alongside essential oil, ‘flower waters’ are less concentrated than the latter and ideal for use as a lotion) added with brandy (eau de vie), Farina’s ‘admirable water’ contained rosemary, thyme, absinth, marjoram, melissa, lavender, angelica, hyssop, fennel, juniper berries, anise seeds, nutmeg, clove, caraway, nutmeg, clove, as well as lemon peel and bergamot oil... In spite of the impressive list of aromatic herbs, the Admirable Water is led by a sweet yet fresh citrusy scent. ‘I have created a perfume which is reminiscent of a spring morning following a soft shower where fragrances of wild narcissi combine with that of sweet orange flowers. This perfume refreshes me and stimulates both my senses and imagination’, Giovanni Maria wrote to his brother back in 1708.

By the time the Faculty of Medicine of Cologne officially recognised the great healing property of that perfume in 1727, Aqua admirabilis was renowned across Europe as Eau de Cologne, adored in every royal or imperial court. The first delivery to Paris was made in 1721 but the perfume became very largely diffused in France during the 1733–1735 War of the Polish Succession (between the Habsburgs and the Bourbons, and France was heavily involved because contender Stanislas I, disgraced former king of Poland, happened to be King Louis XV of France’s father-in-law...), thanks to French officers.

Under the reign of Napoleon I, when Cologne’s privileges were abolished, suddenly there were Eau de Cologne counterfeiting everywhere in town—it bears reminding that there was no such thing, at the time, as intellectual property... In the space of a few decades, nearly 2,000 forgeries were sold! Emphasis was put on the supposed medicinal virtues of the perfume, in an attempt to distance the concurrence. However, that did little to damage the success of the original preparation. In 1806, a grand-grand-nephew of the creator, Giovanni Maria Giuseppe Farina (also born, in 1785, in the family town of Santa Maria Maggiore) founded a perfume shop in Paris, rue Saint-Honoré, as ‘Jean-Marie Farina’. Quite interestingly, in an early brochure he claimed to be the great-grandson of Giovanni Paolo Feminis; which was, in all likelihood, meant to shut down rumours that the rights to the original Eau de Cologne should go to Feminis’ legal benefactors. True or not, Jean-Marie—who was one of Honoré de Balzac’s sources of inspiration for his character of César Birotteau—obtained in 1806 a contract to make and sell an ‘Eau dite de Cologne’, a ‘so-called Cologne water’, which was met with immediate success. Two years later, he had become Imperatrice Eugénie’s official perfumer, and he famously made for Napoleon I the ‘Emperor’s roll’, a special bottle that he could slip in his boot.

‘Cologne water is usually employed pure, or mixed with water or wine, depending on the circumstances. Its quantity must vary as well, for internal use a few drops with sugar or water, a teaspoon. For external use, doses are more considerable. It is used in liniments, frictions, unguents, localised or general baths, enemas and injections. For bathing the whole body, one may pour up to three bottles. In a foot bath, one should suffice. In an enema, in injection, one or two spoonfuls.’

— from a 1825 brochure...

In 1851, the authentic Eau de Cologne is sold in these small, slim bottles containing about one seventh of a litre, sealed with a cork and wrapped in printed paper with Jean-Marie Farina’s signature as well as an embossed stamp and a green wax mark bearing the arms of Prussia both on the box and on the bottle. Each bottle sold for one franc and 50 centimes, which mightn’t sound so impressive till you realise that at the time that was worth an entire year of a civil servant’s salary!

House Farina in Cologne still sells the original preparation as Original Eau de Cologne, but prestigious Parisian perfumery Roger & Gallet acquired the rights to the rue Saint-Honoré house in 1862 (which is how they became Roger & Gallet in the first place. They quickly made a name for themselves selling luxury soaps and quality scented waters), and they still sell an Eau de Cologne extra vieille. After winning a lawsuit over the right to use the name Farina in the first place, of course.

If the price is considerably less steep than what it used to be, one should also consider the fact that nowadays, eau de Cologne is a commercial appellation used to refer to an even lighter concentration of perfume than in an eau de toilette, 4–6% essences only. It is intended to be used as a lotion, a tonic for the morning, which may be a refreshing version of a perfume and worn at the same time as the latter. The citrus extracts do possess astringent, circulatory properties, not to mention their fresh, tart smell. The Extra-Vieille was advertised by Roger & Gallet in the 1960s as ‘a good friction for a good day!’ Glamourous. By that time, cologne had lost its aura of luxury. For decades it remained extremely old-fashioned, and not in the ‘retro chic’ sense... Then, in the early 2000s, fashion shifted and people began looking for ‘authenticity’, for natural smells, as well as simpler perfumes. Which, as always, is relative, since perfume overall is a luxury product and cologne by Guerlain (Eau de Cologne impériale, Eau de Cologne du Coq) for instance won’t be that ‘democratic’ an issue.

Still, my personal favourite shall remain Institut Très Bien’s Cologne à la russe, because I am weak. Also snobbish. And the perfume version, Très Russe, is one of my ultimate favourite scents of all time and space.

[mysticandskepticmuses]

So because I can, I’m going to basically pick and choose from various vampire canons in terms of lore, abilities etc. to create my particular preferences for my oc Alexander.  ATM, they go as follows:

he can walk about in sunlight for very limited amounts of time if he is fully fed, otherwise unharmed, mainly because of his extensive age, but we’re really only talking minutes rather than hours - it is not a pleasant experience and it’s really only a parlor trick he pulls out when he absolutely has to make an appearance or has a meeting that cannot be otherwise handled / postponed / etc. he can last about fifteen minutes before suffering external trauma after twenty minutes it’s noticeable to most anyone and while he could probably survive being stuck outside for a full day it would take years and ridiculous amounts of blood to restore his health unless some other magical intervention or extremely powerful blood was available to heal him.  (i may opt for him having a daylight / daywalking ring or brooch or necklace at some point later but i haven’t quite decided).

he has super speed, strength, agility, has skin that is extremely hard to penetrate but not impossible, he can climb walls and leap extreme distances, he is capable of moving at speeds impossible for the human eye to track and he can fly but does not change shapes or turn into a bat or smoke etc.

he does not have to sleep in the earth, or in a coffin, but he does have earth of his homeland in most of his permanent estates and does have sunlight proof /fire proof rooms below ground in most of them as well, and does have things like sun proof windows / curtains / shutters etc. installed in his many residences.  when traveling he has safe guards like his own curtains to hang in his rooms, will sleep under the bed or in closets etc. if necessary.  

he can glamour / hypnotize / command people to his control, to make them do anything for the most part, he’s only met a few in his 4000 years that have been able to resist him.  he cannot glamour other vampires unless they have fed on his blood / are off his bloodline.

he can create ‘ghouls’ aka humans or animals that feed on his blood and this allows him to better control them, manipulate them, for them to sense his intentions and desires if the bond is strong enough, to know if he is in danger etc. extended exposure to his blood concretes the bond of ghoul to master to the point that they would do anything to protect him / to make him happy (renfield etc.) even killing themselves or loved ones to keep him safe.  this bond also allows him to sense their emotions, if it goes on long enough to read their thoughts.  the humans / animals that feed on his blood become stronger, faster, more intelligent, require less sleep, have more stamina, heal faster, etc. the blood is an addiction and can lead to some detrimental side effects if he with holds it or if the ghoul is unable to be fed for some other reason - he often has stashes of his blood stored in his estates for servants or his current paramour in case he doesn’t return before they need a ‘refill’ - usually once a month is enough to maintain / further strengthen the bond.  

he does have a soul per se but if his humanity / attachments to the world lessen beneath a certain level then it’s pretty much the same as turning off humanity or losing his soul and it takes about four times as much effort to creep up that ladder back towards ‘human’ than it does to fall down the ladder.  he’s gone up and down over his many years but very rarely has he succumbed to the darker nature of his species for long.  he prefers to hover at a middle ground, being more immoral than evil, content to linger in the very murky grey, neither very good, nor very evil.

he can eat human food and drink but it does nothing to sate his actual hunger.

he can survive quite some time without blood because of his age but he relishes in the act of feeding and will usually feed at least once a night because… he can.  a few drops of his blood on the wound seals the bite marks and a quick glamour makes the victim forget all about it.  he rarely kills anymore unless it’s necessary to protect himself, his property, etc. or if he’s entirely too riled up - though that’s a fairly rare occurrence.

his eyes are preternaturally dark, but usually that’s just written off as one of his traits - they can gleam a crimson sheen when he’s feeding or extremely angry or lustful etc. but it isn’t something most people see, or would notice unless looking for it specifically.

his fangs retract and protract at his behest, he has four elongated upper canines and two elongated lower canines.  

to create a childer he must drain them to the point of death and feed them his own blood, then bury them in the earth and wait for them to rise.  

a stake to the heart, prolonged exposure to fire or sunlight, beheading are the most efficient ways to kill him though he’s survived quite a long time and is faster and stronger than most of his species, especially the modern generation whose blood has been so diluted / weakened over the millennia.  each generation of vampire created is a little bit ‘less’ than the one before it etc.

garlic, holy water, silver, crosses etc. have no effect on him.

yes he can have sex, no, he can’t father children biologically though he has adopted and raised children throughout the ages.

he casts a reflection & can be caught on film / photography / video.

he is affected by drugs, alcohol, poisons but on a much, much, much smaller degree than humans because his metabolism is practically nonexistent as he doesn’t actually absorb human food or drinks.  the only things that his body can actually absorb are blood, so anything that might mingle with his blood has a very, very minor effect on him.  human diseases by and large do not effect him as his blood is strong enough and powerful enough to simply eat away at any imperfections in any blood he might drink.  he can become affected by drugs and alcohol in the system of the humans / other vampires he feeds off of and if he’s looking for an actual buzz / high he’ll go find someone already intoxicated or drugged to feed off of.  while the buzz doesn’t last as long for him as humans, it still affects him until he has used up / burned through the blood.

he does not have a discernible heartbeat and he does not require breath, though he does breathe.  

while he is not bound by the need for earth from his homeland for normal sleep and recuperation, if he is badly damaged or enters a state of torpor being stored in a casket in the earth from greece or in greece itself does increase his speed of healing.

he can choose to go into a state of slumber for long periods of time, with something of a mental alarm clock that is set for however long he wishes to rest, or until where he slumbers is disturbed, or if a mental call from one of his ghouls awakens him.  upon awakening, depending on how long he was asleep, it takes longer for him to gain clarity and strength and he must ususally feed in greater frequency/quantity than if he has been awake and normally functioning.

he is not immune to binding spells / circles etc. meant for the damned / undead / or if the witch etc. is in possession of his true name - something that he has taken great pains to eradicate from history for predominantly this reason.  he can be controlled via necromancy, though it takes a pretty powerful witch to be able to counter his age / power / natural willpower.  

he has learned mental skills to block minor telepaths but is not entirely invulnerable to them especially if they are powerful or are making a targeted invasion into his thoughts

he does not have any ability to prevent dreamwalkers etc. from entering his dreams and often encounters ghosts and restless spirits in his sleeping thoughts.

I will say that Alexander is susceptible to the effects of vervain as seen in TVD - humans that wear it or imbibe it are protected from his mesmerism and if they’ve drunk it their blood weakens him / if he drinks or eats something with it in it will weaken him though not entirely stupefied etc.

Also he can usually sense other supernatural creatures as being in the vicinity by that prickle at the nape of the neck sensation but if in a crowd etc it won’t be immediately pinpointed. Generally when close enough to catch the persons scent the distinct elements of their blood will at least point him in the right direction - if he’s crossed paths with one he’s identified before. Werecreatures tend to smell like their other form, vampires especially metallic and don’t typically have heartbeats plus other telltale signs that might vary per subspecies (aka a particular verse canon), witches smell like whatever particular element they relate to etc etc. Dragons the same but with a distinct ozone / metallic undertone and so forth. Sirens, mermaids etc smell like the sea. (happy to adapt specifics per other characters canon or preference per thread BTW)

As far as cross canon interactions I am fine with assuming there is more than one species / bloodline of vampires thus resulting in different canons having different weaknesses etc. If Alexanders abilities and powers being different from your characters canon is a problem for some reason feel free to come talk to me I’m sure we can work something out.

Also I’m going to go with the fact that a stake will immobilize him (ie the originals in tvd etc) but it takes fire, sunlight, beheading etc. to actually kill him just because he’s literally fucking ancient.  This allows for more opportunities w/ plots where he might be incapacitated etc. and actually works as a vulnerability imo rather than a bonus.

& If necessary Alexander can burn through stores of his blood for an extreme boost to strength, durability, willpower (to resist torture, supernatural methods of control, to keep his temper in check), to heal faster (useful for enduring sunlight longer etc), to move faster etc. But the cost is pretty poignant and if he burns through too much and his reserves of blood get too low he risks either being forced into unconsciousness with all of its inherent vulnerabilities or full out losing control and going on a rampage until he feeds enough to satiate himself fully.

[ogproducts]

How to use the disinfection spray, car waxing, disinfectant sanitizer, best insect Repellent, Mosquito Repellent.

Waxing a Brand New Car

What all the fuss is about

It’s shiny. It’s new. It gleams in the sunlight. Your brand new car. You have done hours of research to find just the right one, and now you have it. It’s yours. How do you keep it looking so nice? What’s all the fuss about waxing a new car? Why is it so important? When should you do it? And how should you do it?

Having the dealer or an auto body shop wax your car is always an option. This article is assuming that you are wanting to wax your vehicle yourself.

Why You Should Wax Your Car

You new beauty will be exposed to all the elements. While you are staying dry and clean sitting inside of it while cruising down the road, it is taking a beating. The elements don’t hold back – rain, snow, road salt, bugs, bird poop, the salty sea air (if you live close to the ocean), the list goes on. Your vehicle’s paint protects the metal body of the car from rust. The last thing you want to see on your new car is premature rust spots. Waxing regularly can prevent this. Applying wax 2-4 times a year is recommended. Waxing is not the same as washing. Down below are the basic steps to effectively wax your car.

How to Wax it Properly

Ask any car lover and they will tell you how they wax their car. With so many brands and products on the market there are several options. However, many will agree with the following basics:

Wash     – never use dish washing detergent. You need a properly pH balanced     cleaner. Most advertised car washing detergents are suitable. This is a     crucial step to remove loose debris and contaminants.

Clean     – once the initial wash is complete and your car is dry, it is time to     inspect for stuck on debris. Tree sap, bird droppings, pollen, and brake     dust may not come off with the initial wash. A good way to check is to rub     your hand across the surface of your vehicle. If it feels gritty, grab a     clay bar and rub it over the gritty parts. It’s a mild abrasive that is     designed to effectively finish cleaning the cars surface.

Polish     – not everyone insists on this step and some lump it in with the cleaning     step, but it is definitely not the same as applying wax. Applying a     polishing coat is what will the paint have it’s shiny, reflective gleam.     Some polishes help restore oils to the paint. Be careful not to remove dry     polish as this can scratch the paint.

Wax     – This step is what protects the sheen, finish, and paint. It’s     recommended to use a microfiber, but others may suggest another type of     applicator. Apply the wax, let it sit as long as indicated on the bottle     you use, and remove it in the order you applied it. Then repeat until the     car is completely sealed.

We highly recommend following these steps in a shady area. If the sun is out and hot it can create water spots while washing and make it more difficult to avoid the polish or wax drying too quickly.

DIY Natural Disinfectant Spray

Ditch the Lysol and antibacterial sprays for good with this DIY Natural Disinfectant Spray. It’s so easy to make and will sanitize without the harsh chemicals.

DIY Natural Disinfectant Spray (Homemade Lysol)

Ditch the Lysol and antibacterial sprays for good with this DIY Natural Disinfectant Spray. It’s so easy to make and will sanitize without the harsh chemicals.

It never fails. With three boys in the house, there’s a constant influx of germs in the house from my kids playing outside and in a creek near our house. They’re always coming home with critters too like geckos, turtles (seriously), crawfish and even birds. I usually shoo them back outside with said critters but not before they get their hands on doorknobs, walls, tables, and other surfaces in my home.

And no matter how many times I tell them to wash their hands… well, sometimes germs just happen. That’s why I’m so happy to have a natural alternative to Lysol and other antibacterial sprays for my home.

The funny thing is that I was THAT mom who had the bleach wipes and cleaned every surface of the house with them. I remember one time I was on my hands and knees cleaning the floor to keep them “clean” for my son (who was a crawling baby back then). I just cringe thinking about it now. I probably exposed him to chemical toxins that were far more harmful to his health than if I just used soap and water to clean the floors.

My kids have definitely been the turning point for me in transitioning to a chemical-free lifestyle. We’ve already gotten rid of all of our household cleaners and now basically use this one for everything.

But here’s the thing… germs still happen and sometimes you just want to disinfect. So what can you use if it’s not Lysol or bleach?

It’s actually pretty easy – it’s just all those TV commercials have us all thinking we need bleach wipes or some toxic spray can to disinfect and get rid of germs when really we CAN use natural alternatives.

Natural Disinfectants

There are a handful of products you can use to naturally disinfect and sanitize your home. You probably already have them in your home: vinegar, rubbing alcohol, and hydrogen peroxide. They are all pretty effective in killing germs and sanitizing surfaces and toys. In fact, I typically like to fill a tub full of water and add about 1-2 cups of hydrogen peroxide to easily disinfect toys. I then drain and voila! Clean toys.

But here’s the thing… vinegar and rubbing alcohol have such a strong scent. I don’t clean often with them because of that. Usually the smell dissipates after a while, but they’re not always the best choice when you want to sanitize AND have the house smell good too.

I’d say of the three, hydrogen peroxide has the most mellow scent but it can’t always be used if you’re spraying fabrics (as it is a natural bleach).

So what’s the other alternative? Vodka. Oh yeah…

The Meaning of Clean: Sanitizers, Disinfectants, and Sterilizers

While the general population may use terms like sterilizer, disinfectant and sanitizer interchangeably, they actually have very specific definitions according to the government agency that regulates them, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA). These definitions include what percentage of pathogens must be killed, in what specific  amount of time they must be killed, and what protocols must be tested to achieve registration. All of these parameters are defined by the EPA and are not chosen or designated by the manufacturer.

Before delving into these terms, there is one basic term that we have to explore: Clean. There is a formal definition of “clean” when it comes to regulation. Items must be cleaned before they are sanitized, disinfected, or sterilized. Cleaning involves removing surface debris and foreign material using water, detergent, or enzymatic products. This is a necessary step because the high-level disinfection and sterilization processes cannot work effectively when foreign material is present. In the EPA-required instructions for use, all of the following products carry disclaimers about first cleaning the item to be sanitized, disinfected, or sterilized.

Sanitizers

By the EPA’s definition, sanitizers must kill 99.9% of bacteria within two hours of exposure. Up until recently, this category was made up of chemicals such as sprays, gels, and topical agents which had similar characteristics:

Toxic chemicals not suitable for extended exposure

Non-continuous kill (must be used regularly)

Must be repeated after recontamination

Since 2012, however, sanitizers now include two hard surfaces: Copper alloys and copper oxide infused hard surfaces. These surfaces had to be categorized as sanitizers as they are the first of their kind - a surface that kills 99.0% of bacteria in under two hours. So even though they are characterized as sanitizers, they do not have the characteristics listed above. Instead, they are:

Non-toxic, safe materials suitable for extended exposure

Continuous kill surfaces (is not a process that has to be repeated)

Effective even after recontamination

Disinfectants

To be categorized as a disinfectant, a product must kill 100% of bacteria, fungi, and viruses within 15 minutes of exposure. Because they are stronger than sanitizers, they are also more toxic and are therefore not approved for any exposure to human tissues. They are only to be used on hard, inanimate objects and are available both for general and medical use. Household disinfectants include bathroom cleaners, water purifiers, and pool chemicals. In medical facilities, disinfectants are used to clean equipment that does not come into contact with mucous membranes or cross the skin barrier such as floors, walls, linens, toilets, IV poles, and doorknobs. Like sanitizers, they do not kill continuously or after recontamination, so consistent reapplication is required. Unfortunately, some bacteria have developed resistance to certain disinfectants, so a combination of chemicals is required in healthcare settings.

Sterilizers

The most biocidal of the three categories, sterilizers must achieve the most stringent protocols. Sterilizers must kill 100% of all forms of microbial life within 2 minutes. This includes bacteria, fungi, viruses, and spores (the term sporicidal is often used to indicate that spores, the most difficult form to kill, are destroyed by a particular product). Sterilizers are used on instruments and materials that come into contact with mucous membranes and cross the skin barrier, including scalpels, IVs, needles, catheters, wound dressings, and any implantable device (such as a pacemaker). Sterilizers can be devices such as autoclaves, which use high-pressure steam, as well as liquid chemicals. Users must have specific training and certification to assure that the required degree of sterilization is achieved. As with most sanitizers and disinfectants, sterilization must be performed regularly and after any contamination as the product does not kill continuously.

Insect Repellent Buying Guide

Lyme. Powassan. West Nile. Zika. The list of insect-borne diseases to worry about seems to get longer—and scarier—every year. Whether you’re enjoying the great outdoors in your own backyard or on a tropical island, when you apply insect repellent, you want the best, most effective protection from biting bugs.

Our ratings identify which products work best against mosquitoes and ticks. (We no longer test our products against ticks, but past test results and our research indicate that any product that protects you from mosquito bites is also likely to protect you from tick bites.)

Choosing the right repellent matters: Our top products provided several hours of protection, and some of our lowest-scoring ones failed in as little as 30 minutes.

Check out our picks; they’ll help take the sting out of summer.

How We Test

We begin our insect repellent tests by applying a standard dose of repellent to a measured area of skin on our test subjects’ arms. (The standard dose is determined from the EPA product testing guidelines.)

After 30 minutes, these brave volunteers then place their arms into the first of two cages of 200 disease-free mosquitoes for five minutes. Our testers watch closely to see what happens inside the cage, and they count up every time a mosquito lands on a subject’s arm, uses its proboscis (its long mouth) to probe the skin in an attempt to find a capillary, or bites the subject’s arm and begins to feed—which the testers can tell by watching for the insect’s abdomen to turn from gray to red or brown.

After five minutes, the subjects withdraw their arms, then repeat the process by placing their arms into a second cage of disease-free mosquitoes of a different species, for another five minutes. The subjects then walk around for 10 minutes, to stimulate sweating—this is to mimic a real-world setting, in which users might be active while wearing repellent.

Half an hour later, this procedure is repeated once, and then again once every hour after that until a repellent fails our test, or until 8 hours have passed since it was applied. We consider a failure to be two confirmed mosquito bites in one five-minute session inside the cage, or one confirmed bite in each of two consecutive 5-minute sessions.

What is the Best Mosquito Repellent?

After more than five years of full-time travel, often visiting mosquito ridden countries, I’ve finally found of what is the best mosquito repellent. When I first wrote this post in 2013, I was about to travel to Africa and planned to put some repellents to the test.

I trialling a DEET based product, Repel 55, and a natural product, Incognito, and this article was originally a comparison of those two repellents. However, over the years I’ve trialled a much bigger range of mosquito repellents, so I’ve updated and expanded this article to give you the low-down on all the products I’ve used, how well they’ve worked and I’ll share with you the repellent I finally found that I’m 100% happy with.

Obviously, this article is completely subjective – what works for one person might not work for another and, ultimately, the effectiveness of a repellent can all come down to how well you apply it.

A little about me and my unscientific testing methodology

I have the blood that mosquitos like: I’ve travelled to many mosquito riddled places from South and Central America to Asia to Africa and the one thing that’s been consistent is my propensity for getting bitten. Whether I like it or not, mosquitos like me. In a room full of people, I’m always likely to report a bite first. In fact, I’m that person you want to sit or sleep next to because the chances are the mosquitos will be so busy feasting on me, they’ll leave you alone.

I rarely stay indoors or cloak my body at sunset: What doesn’t help in my bid not to get bitten is that I’m partial to the alluring concept of the sunset cocktail (when mosquitoes are at their most active). I’m also likely to disregarding the sensible advice to cover myself from head to toe in trousers and long sleeved tops – because, let’s face it, sun dresses go so much better with sun downers, I pack too light to include bulky cover-up clothes and, more importantly, I don’t want to be sitting, sweating uncomfortably and dehydrating over my cocktail.

I’m also pretty shoddy at the whole application process – I always miss my ankles and big toes and I wash my hands immediately after applying repellent, so the repellent that actually makes it onto my skin always has to work pretty darn hard to keep the biters at bay.

I hate mosquito nets: ever since I was a child, I’ve always needed to have my feet uncovered while I sleep, which is kind of incompatible with a mosquito net. But not only that, the nets that are small enough to carry seem to create a cocoon of humidity around you… and that’s assuming you can find one that stays up and doesn’t gape while you sleep. In short, I’m not a fan and I won’t use one unless it’s already installed.

I do use anti-malarials: in places like Africa where malaria and dengue are real issues, I do follow the sensible advice and use anti-malarial medication.

[rolypolywl]

Welcome to day 16!

It is Monday, and so weigh in day!

So this week is themed, but in three parts. The theme is recovery. So not specific to injuries, but just to workouts in general.

So, if you are injured, the general advice is to follow RICE. Rest, Ice, Compress, and Elevate. If you twist your wrist or hurt your knee or, you know, break your toe, that’s what you should do.

But if you don’t have an acute injury, you still might be sore or worn out after a workout. As we covered before, a little bit of soreness is ok, even expected. But does that mean you just have to live with it? Or are there things, like the cool down, that you can do to minimize pain and damage, or encourage healing?

Yes and no. There are different opinions and methods, and we’re going to look at some.

VeryWillFit has a great explanation of why we need recovery.

“Recovery after exercise is essential to muscle and tissue repair and strength building. This is even more critical after a heavy weight training session. A muscle needs anywhere from 24 to 48 hours to repair and rebuild, and working it again too soon simply leads to tissue breakdown instead of building.”

The Telegraph goes into even more detail.

“Exercise hurts your body, prompting a reaction. When you go for a run, lift weights, or play football, any discomfort is like a clarion call to the body, telling it that it needs to be better equipped to deal with the situation. The response - it becomes stronger, bigger, or more efficient - is why we exercise. This process is natural and normal, but it's easy to disrupt it with too much exercise. We constantly walk a tight rope between adequate stimulation leading to progression, and a lack of recovery which can lead to overtraining.”

The Telegraph also expands on the side effects of overtraining. “The perils of overtraining are numerous. Not only can it undo all the hard work you put in down the gym, but it can also leave you a husk of the man you were: lethargic, unable to sleep, irritable and without sex drive. What's more, the disruption it causes to your body's systems can actually lead to weight gain.”

So, this is why recovery is important. But, what does recovery actually consist of? We already talked about cool down and stretching in a previous episode, but what else is there?

VeryWellFit notes that “There are as many methods of recovery as there are athletes.” But that said, there are some things that are pretty universal, and covered in both of these articles.

1. Rest/Sleep

These are technically seperate things, but I’m going to lump them together. So sleep just makes sense. We’ve talked about it before, and the detrimental effects that a sleep debt can have on your body. Plus, there are all the good things that sleep does for your body. Specific to recovery, VeryWellFit notes, “During sleep, your body produces Growth Hormone (GH) which is largely responsible for tissue growth and repair.”

Rest is similar, but it doesn’t have to happen in bed. Going back to that first quote, your muscles need time to rebuild. Resting - not immediately working them out again in the same 48 hours - is anywhere from helpful to essential for that repair.

VeryWellFit has a whole second article just on taking rest.

They note: “Rest days are critical to sports performance for a variety of reasons. Some are physiological and some are psychological. Rest is physically necessary so that the muscles can repair, rebuild, and strengthen. For recreational athletes, building in rest days can help maintain a better balance between home, work, and fitness goals.  In the worst-case scenario, too few rest and recovery days can lead to overtraining syndrome—a difficult condition to recover from.”

Now, we’ve all heard the word “overtraining” but I didn’t realize it was an actual syndrome!

So, according to a study published in Sports Health, and archived in the National Library of Medicine, there are basically three stages. Overreaching, basically in a short-term setting. Overreaching regularly, which can take weeks to months to recover from. And finally Overtraining Syndrome.

Symptoms include fatigue, depression, loss of motivation, slow or irregular heartbeat, insomnia, irritability, hypertension, restlessness, anorexia, lack of mental concentration, anxiety, weight loss, and awakening feeling unrefreshed. Plus, heavy, sore, and stiff muscles.

And it can take months to recover!

This can also, colloquially, be known as burnout. Rady Children’s Hospital has a page in their Sports Medicine section with all the warning signs for teen athletes.

In addition to some of the symptoms above, they add chronic pain, decreased sports performance, prolonged recovery time, lack of enthusiasm, frequent illness, personality or mood changes, and difficulty completing usual routines.

The only real treatment they can offer is rest, again for 4-12 weeks. So again, months.

And when I was looking up this, I found something similar on the Mayo Clinic site. This one is “Chronic exertional compartment syndrome” which can be a result of overtraining.

It basically presents very similarly to shin splints, but doesn’t heal up as well. It is most common in people under 30, and particularly in runners or other impact exercisers. Symptoms are “recurring unusual pain, swelling, weakness, loss of sensation or soreness while exercising or practicing sports activities.”

And, if you just rest it a bit, but then go back to your overtraining, the pain will come right back. So, again, a super long recovery time. This one can even involve surgery!

And there are plenty of other injuries and conditions that can come from overtraining, like shin splints, stress fractures, and repetitive stress injuries. So this is seriously a big deal. This is why rest is so important.

And, it turns out, rest doesn’t just mean the day of a hard workout, or having a rest day once a week. There is also a long term need for a rest plan.

VeryWellFit explains, “Long-term recovery techniques refer to those that are built into a seasonal training program. Most well-designed training schedules will include recovery days and or weeks that are built into an annual training schedule. This is also the reason athletes and coaches change their training program throughout the year,”

The Telegraph agrees, suggesting “incorporating a 'down' week every 8-12 weeks of intense exercise to allow your body to properly recover. This could be an entire week away from exercise or a time to temporarily reduce weight, intensity or volume.”

So, that’s just number 1: sleep/rest. On to number 2!

2. Watch your Intake

So the most obvious component of this is hydration. When you workout, you can become dehydrated, and you should replenish those fluids. You should also reduce alcohol, as this exacerbates dehydration.

But intake is also nutrition. The Telegraph says, “Ensure that you are eating enough calories to recover and that you have your macronutrients balanced properly. For example, not enough protein in your diet can lead to loss of muscle mass, whilst too few carbohydrates can lead to poor performance and fatigue.”

And VeryWellFit adds, “Ideally, you should try to eat within 60 minutes of the end of your workout and make sure you include some high-quality protein and complex carbohydrate.”

3. Stay Positive.

The Telegraph notes that “Positive self talk can help stimulate your sub-conscious to aid in your performance and recovery.”

Meanwhile VeryWellFit suggests visualisations, mindfulness meditations, and also positive self-talk.

This goes back to what we were saying last time about finding the positive and to the idea of meditating as part of a daily or sleep routine. It’s like it’s all connected!

4. Get an Ice Bath

This one seems legit. After all, pro athletes do it, so it must help, right? And we are supposed to ice muscles we injure as part of RICE. But I just can’t imagine being that cold! Supposedly you go numb and so don’t feel it anymore, but I’m not jumping up to try it.

As an alternative, both VeryWellFit and the Telegraph note that water contrast therapy, which is basically jumping your shower between the hot and cold nozzles every minute can have some of the same effects. I’m still not racing to try it, though.

And finally, and much more appealingly…

5. Massage

Sometimes, at races or 10Ks or the like, you will see sports massage therapists actually set up to give out massages afterwards. I’ve had it before and it was indeed awesome. It was also a huge help after I overexerted on a trail 5K and was still sore the next day. My chiropractor recommended a massage and it made a huge difference!

But, if that’s a little out of your time or expense budgets, then VeryWellFit has an alternative suggestion. “You can also try self-massage and Foam Roller Exercises for easing tight muscles and avoid the heavy sports massage price tag.”

And those are the five suggestions from VeryWellFit and The Telegraph! Think about incorporating them into your routine as you become more active and workout more.

This has been Roly Poly Weight loss. As always, I am your host, Roly Poly. Please share your rest and recovery tips and tricks with the hashtag #RestandRecovery. And don’t let anyone tell you that you’re a wimp for resting, or that you shouldn’t need to recover!

And please join me next time!

[were-up-against-them-all]

Danny and MDMA

//This post comes with the obvious trigger warning of drug abuse. I admit that I don't know as much about non-opioid illicit drugs - I worked in pharmacy for long enough to learn quite a bit about opioid abuse - so there will also be a lot of googling involved in this post. But it is at least googling that comes with some knowledge of what sources are and are not reliable and how to tell the difference, thanks to the aforementioned pharmacy experience. That being said, onward with the headcanons about Danny's drug use and how it affects him.

So Danny is a hedonist. This is pretty obvious right off the bat. He also uses drugs, something else that, while never discussed head-on in the series, is also pretty apparent pretty early on. He mostly uses uppers like MDMA (also called ecstasy or molly), but does also drink alcohol, smoke both tobacco and marijuana, and has dabbled with hallucinogens. Most of this has its roots in the other problems that have plagued Danny throughout his life. For the sake of not making this post a thousand pages long, though, I'm going to focus here on MDMA.

While MDMA is not officially labeled as addictive by US authorities on drug effects and use, it does have some pretty hefty side effects and withdrawal symptoms. The intended effects of the drug are increased energy, emotional warmth, and altered sensitivity to sensory stimuli. The drug can also produce a mildly hallucinogenic effect, causing an altered perception of time and one's surroundings. It works by increasing production and retention of dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin. These are chemicals naturally produced in the body that affect mood.

This actually isn't too different from some prescription antidepressants. The most common class of antidepressants is SSRIs/SNRIs. Those acronyms are for selective seretonin reuptake inhibitors and selective norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors. These effectively combat depression by increasing the presence of two of the chemicals (serotonin and norepinephrine) that affect positive mood. Dopamine is related to the reward pathways in the brain. Basically, our brains tell us something made us feel good by releasing dopamine. So with MDMA, it works the same way. It increases those chemicals, leading to the "emotional warmth" that's one of it's characteristic effects. In that way, it really does function basically as an antidepressant, albeit a particularly unsafe one. And with the added dopamine component comes a major risk for abuse.

This particular drug first came to popularity as a part of rave culture. Raves are all night dance parties, often unsanctioned ones. This was particularly big in the 1990s and early 2000s. Raves were also a big part of gay male culture during that time. Danny left home at 16 after his family learned he was gay. That would have been in 2004. Unsurprisingly, he wound up involved in some of the sketchier parts of gay culture. And he would definitely have come across this drug early on.

Danny suffers from depression, specifically major depressive disorder. This is, in his case, in part hereditary and in part situational. He was already genetically predisposed to depression. However, external factors can impact internal workings. (A really good case study in the more visible, physical side of this is Dutch winter disease.) So if one is placed in a situation in which one is subjected to constant stress, abuse, and/or neglect, that can actually alter your brain chemistry. As a side note and example, this is why a there is a much higher incidence of depression in graduate students than is found in the general population. But bringing this back to Danny's case specifically, Danny was subjected to neglect and emotional abuse as a child. He also dealt with a lot of internalized homophobia. And he found himself homeless and without a support system at 16, well before he was prepared to be able to take care of himself. All of these things are huge sources of stress. And this isn't just a few months, which can already impact brain chemistry, this is his entire life.

So Danny, in perhaps the most stressful situation he's ever been in - homeless and alone and dealing with a great deal of internalized homophobia - comes across this drug that basically acts as an antidepressant. It's easy to see where the problems start. While MDMA isn't officially labeled as addictive, for somebody with the sorts of brain chemistry imbalances that Danny has going on, it definitely could be. Even without a physical dependency, he would still be drawn to the fact that it makes him feel less like shit emotionally. Depression does tend to do that to a person. And the fact that he has never had any sort of professional intervention into the state of his mental health can't be overlooked either.

The side effects of MDMA are nothing to sneeze at. While not generally deadly, they typically include chills, muscle cramps, nausea, and blurred vision. They also include increased heart rate and blood pressure, which if high enough, can be fatal. Not to mention there are no safety regulations on MDMA production, because it's illegal, which means no one is regulating what producers mix it with. The withdrawal symptoms are what would really get Danny, though. These include irritability, aggression, impulsiveness, insomnia, depression, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, and decreased appetite.

We actually see some of this in the opening scenes of the show, leading up to his first meeting with Alex. The camera work shows us the altered state of consciousness Danny is in during his night out partying. I would actually argue that that camera work reflects some of the more hallucinogenic effects of MDMA, but regardless, it definitely clues us in on the fact that he's not sober. We see his impulsiveness and irritability when he can't get ahold of anybody at whatever ungodly hour of the morning Alex goes for a run, eventually leading us to the emotional crash that comes with the high wearing off. Which is the point at which the two meet.

By this point in his life, his situation is worlds apart from his situation when he was first exposed to all of this. He is, first of all and perhaps most significantly, quite a bit older. Eleven years have passed at this point. He is no longer homeless, he has a job, which means he has an income, he is no longer struggling with his identity as a gay man, and he has a support system, albeit a small one. So things are very different for him. Meaning his dependence on drugs has probably already begun to decrease simply because of the change in external factors. However, he does still have some pretty deep emotional issues, stemming largely from child neglect and emotional abuse when he was growing up and physical, sexual, and emotional abuse he was subjected to during those most vulnerable years of his life when he was first on his own. Add in the genetic predisposition for chemical imbalance, and even if he doesn't feel quite the same need for this stuff as he used to, he probably does still feel it.

I do think he eventually got clean once his relationship with Alex began to develop. The reasons he was able to do this are complex. For the first time, he felt supported - in a very different way from the support Scottie and Sara, his flatmate, offer - and he didn't feel pressure to go out and be involved in the social scene that first brought him into contact with that. Alex just accepts him precisely as he is. And Alex is also not even remotely affiliated with the sorts of social circles Danny runs in. All of that contributes to his ability to leave the drugs behind over the course of the eight months he has with Alex.

I would not be at all surprised by a relapse following Alex's death, however, I don't think there was one. He had neither time nor will to get involved in that social scene again. And he would have needed to stay sharp to focus on his investigation. Not to mention, if he did go back to it, he knew people were watching him, waiting for any little misstep. So I think at that point he probably stayed clean, but I do imagine those first couple of months, both at the beginning of the relationship and after Alex's death, were a struggle.

And I think that's where I'll leave this. Pretty sure that effectively sums up Danny's relationship with MDMA and its effects on him. I do also feel I should state that, like nearly everyone I knew during my years in pharmacy, I believe that drug addiction is a medical problem, not a moral failing or criminal act, and that it should be addressed and treated as such. That's probably made pretty obvious by the contents and wording of this post, but just to put my personal stance on all of this in plain terms. Because it does have a major impact on the way I play Danny.

[overbakedone]

1

this is the first time i've ever started writing my thoughts and feelings anywhere before. this is not easy.

instead of writing things and then deleting it all because its not good enough or it sounds stupid i'm just going to write it now and stop backspacing. i guess i should start with where i am in life right now so there is some perspective.

im 25, im a bakers apprentice, i live with my parents, i have a girlfriend, lets call her ‘C’ who for the first time feels right to me despite everything, i barely have any friends, they don't ever want to see me, i don't have much time in my life right now, i work all night and struggle to fit sleep into my schedule. but things are really the best they have ever been for me. i just started an AFL 9′s competition, weird i usually have no confidence going into these things and will either quit after the first practice or not even show up, i really kinda enjoyed it and am excited for next week.

i've wanted to start writing anything for a few months now, i guess now i have some time. time is so fucked up, i wish there was more of it, i wish i could sleep without wasting my day, i wish i didn't have to compromise sleep for everything but i do, i guess its part of being a baker, its a job i am loving and i think i've found my life passion but it has its ups and downs. my partner C expects a lot of my time i guess, she can be very needy at times, demanding almost, sometimes i feel pressured by her to sacrifice my sleep, personal plans and hobbies and interests for her, but i know what she feels, she wants the same thing i do. she has problems making friends, or keeping friends, she feels isolated and alone, and she wants my companionship, and i want that too and despite anything i feel in the moment i always feel happy about her at the end of the day.

i should be grateful for the relationship i am in right now, i really should be grateful for a lot of stuff, my parents for allowing me to stay here still, being so supportive and also allowing and accepting of me and really tolerant of the shit i do. ok so i do smoke week every day right so that's already something to do at home that's difficult, i'm pretty sure they know and don't care or even agree that my life has been better since i started smoking, fuck i used to be on antidepressants, i took one every day at a certain time, it made me feel a bit better, ok sounds just like smoking right, expect when i didn't take this pill i got nausea, headaches, severe episodes of depression, i couldn't eat my appetite was so fucked up i was eating one meal a day and it was like a piece of bread or takeaway food. since the smoking started i've found some actual passion in life, i don't feel like a useless number anymore i guess.

one of the things on my mind always is my friends, since i was in highschool i havent really had a group of friends, i feel like i am a social person but then when it comes to it i feel like i just get burned. a lot of my old friends turned out to be secretly hating me and not wanting me around, some sort of pity friendship, i was an asshole in my time and honestly was not a good friend myself, do you pay for the dumb shit you do as a teenager, the people you fuck over go from your life completely yet new people you meet do the same things to you like they know. i had/have a long term best friend, J, we had been mates for years, we worked at my old job dominoes together for a bit, and kinda hung out a few times, but not until we got into PC gaming together did we form a bond. after that we would chat every day, play games together, watch the footy together, go places even though he lived across the city from me. one thing that changed massively in my life was i quit drinking alcohol, and then i felt like all my friends both disagree with my choice and resent me for it, like for some reason i have to take the same drugs they are taking at that time to be their friends. so J has just grown more and more distant, i get that we are older now, we both have partners, jobs that take a lot of our time, but then when we hang out or talk he seems disinterested, more interested with his friends that i introduced him to (from our discord server) and has seemingly replaced me, none of these guys i really like at all, in fact the only one of the new group i like is the one girl in it because she actually has interesting things to say.

fuck that was a paragraph, i guess i should talk about alcohol.

alcohol has fucked up my life, i cant repair the mistakes and stupid things i did while drinking alcohol, so they are there, i guess its just talking about it left. to start off, when i drink alcohol i have a hard time finding my limit, i feel like i swing from nothing to completely blacked out, puking, sobbing and basically hating myself very quick, i feel sick for days after drinking, barely able to eat, leave bed, move, i feel so nauseous and tired, its so fucked up what it does to your body, but oh your mind is even worse. i've broken off relationships, cheated, threatened people, gotten into fights, brawls, got my arm broken, hurt myself repeatedly, gotten arrested and a criminal record that may prevent me from going to canada next year, and is currently delaying booking flights, ive missed work, shown up drunk same clothes no shower to work, but the main thing that alcohol does to me is makes me sad. alcohol makes me so fucking sad, it makes me reach into the deepest pits i can think of and brings out all the emotions that are in there, my ex being the main one. every time i used to drink id think of her, call her, text her, go on her facebook, look up her instagram her twitter, fuck it drive my car to her house to see if her cars there like that does anything or means anything just fucking alcohol is so stupid. i never want to feel like that again, i never want to sabotage my life, sabotage and self destruct my relationships, but i guess losing my friends is the thing i have to take in consideration. australia is a fucked up place, where drinking heavily is the social norm and if you don't get fucked up or even have a beer with mates you're a loser.

i just want a deep connection with my friends. when i was in newcastle with my partner, i  met her friends there that she had been living with, despite the fucked up things that happened to her there, she lost a lot of friends herself and a long time friend, had trouble finding new ones, trouble fitting in, the friends she had there were the most honest and truly welcoming, connecting people ive met, and i miss that. i miss having a friend you can just, go over to their place, sit around for 3-4 hours talking shit, laughing, listening to music, relaxing and sharing stories and shit. weird that people can have such an effect on you in a short time. the life i live here is full of making plans, only for them to be cancelled, inviting friends over, for nobody to show up, cancelled plans all the fucking time, i've never been asked to just come over and chill, never its always some group thing that i'm invited to as well. i even try talking to them about this, i told a group of girl friends i have, i miss you all and haven't seen you in so long, we need to have a casual hangout, and the message was almost completely ignored, i asked them all to come to mind to watch the grand final, the house was free, i got a big projector screen, big comfy couch, live central right in the middle of everyone, nobody even replied or brought it up again, yet the second someone else that lives in the far corners of perth brought it up everyone started chatting about their plan to go. so if that's not my friends making it obvious they don't want to see me, they only include me then thats fucked up. i don't know what to say, this happens all the time, my 21st birthday i invited 65 people, and less than 15 people showed up. its hard to keep trying, always trying, i always try to make social events, i always ask friends what they are doing, when they can see me, make plans, they get cancelled, they are busy, they say they're coming then don't show up, most of the time i never hear a word too, they just dont show and don't even apologize, is that a fair thing to do, yeah sometimes i dont go to my friends events, i'm too fucking tired or just don't feel like going, somethings come up, i tell them straight away i cant make it i'm sorry this has come up, yet i don't get the same courtesy.

am i an unlikable person

the guys at work seem to like me, so i started a baking apprenticeship, basically i started watching great british bake off and picked it up as a hobby, making cakes and stuff, actually i should go back. so i used to work in some shitty small software company in the city, 9-5, peak hour traffic, office drama, workplace bullies, understaffed, overworked, red tape and bullshit everywhere, i quit after 2.5 years for mental health reasons, i made a lot of money but had to move on, so i spent a year off , it was only supposed to be a few months, go on a holiday road trip with my then partner, S, she broke up with me via a text message right after eagles lost to melbourne at home, basically the footy game was more disappointing, we had a shit relationship, i think i resented her, i cheated on her, yeah i'm an awful person and deserve everything, she was an emotionally manipulative person, terrified of her own body and sex, tried to dominate my life and change me, im glad we broke up. so i stayed unemployed for a long time, over a year, barely looking, until i found this baking apprenticeship, not only did i apply for the job and write a completely custom cover letter (im so fucking lazy i usually close a job application the second it requires anything more than an apply button) AND i called back a few weeks later when i heard nothing, well turns out that call landed me the job, the apprentice they hired instead of me was useless, had no passion and was a slow worker. so i got the job, and basically have been killing it ever since, i get a lot of praise at work (lots of criticism too) baking is one of those things that takes time, its all about time, so i got a lot to learn but i am actually confident once in my life, holy shit i have a job i like and am good at. is this the dream?> lol 

so today i started writing my feelings down, and its kinda felt good, but i'm exhausted now, and my fingers hurt, so this is the end of my first post, i hope nobody reads it, its really just for me but i don't know. 

thanks for listening   i guess 

[luvdsc]

Hihi Cat! I've come to deliver some good news! (This is pretty long huhu ToT)

MY ERB HAS BEEN APPROVED AND I CAN PROCEED TO RECRUIT PARTICIPANTS!! Ahh it's been such a blessing to be able to proceed immediately! I've actually hit my target amount of participants in less than a day (IT'S CRAZY) but I'm gonna collect more responses cuz the more the better! (Would you wanna check the questionnaire out? I can PM you the link!! :3)

Also also I PASSED THAT FINALS! The one I took a day after my vaccination (1st dose) ToT GAHH I'm so happy I won't even ask for more, it's enough :3

I've been writing my thesis during this sem break but it's progressing pretty slowly cuz I've been so drained from last semester and the vaccine itself. Huhu but I've written a brief rundown for my proposal so there's a rough idea there, just needa rly assemble it into a clear narrative. And yes I agree! Psychology studies are a beautiful fusion of science & human essence imo, and its fascinating learning more abt ourselves and how we as the human species progress in life ya know? 😌

I got my second dose exactly a week ago and got the same side effects - headache, arm soreness, hunger, fatigue; I felt like a fusion of psyduck & snorlax HAHAHAHA 😂 - it wasn't anything serious so yay I'm fully vaccinated! (in a few weeks time keke I'll be)

HAHAHAHA my vaccination appointments were pretty eventful. The nurses and volunteers were all so warm and friendly! I'm the type of person who feels whatever's being injected into me, it's not the pain that I wanna distract myself from (it wasn't pain tbh) but that sluggish discomfort I get from the needle ejaculation >//< sooo as they showed me the vile and syringe before injecting me, I prepped my Yangyang photocard in my hand. During my second dose, the nurse thought I had some fancy way of taking a video when in actual fact I was just looking at my Yangyang photocard hehe UwU she asked me whether I wanted to see the needle going in (smtg I can't look at tbh) and I was like HELL NAH ToT

And also some recap from the previous ask!

There's no need to apologise for the delayed response okie!! UwU my sem break is ending this week, but I've spent my time completing my academic research trainee tasks (transcribing audio clips), I've also created the content & design for my uni's newsletter, did some thesis writing, and I took a course on financial planning on Coursera to prep myself for the adulting life ToT

And idm sharing my back up / failed topics! I didn't have a lot of cards in my hands, but here are some of em!

1) time perspective and meaning in life 2) anticipatory nostalgia 3) not a topic but a variable! fragility of happiness / happiness aversion

what ideas did you settle on for yr art pieces? If you dm sharing, I'd love to hear abt it! 💖💖💖

Tbh I can't think of a fav ice cream flavor hmm 🤔 i rly didn't think it'd be so hard thinking of a fav ice cream flavor but the first that comes to mind is green tea! I like them milky flavored ice cream😍 though my fav from this ice cream place I go to is thai milk tea, it's so fragrant and milky!! 🥺💖 I just got myself a tub of milk & biscoff gelato keke UwU what's yr fav ice cream flavor? :3

For my course structure:

We have 2 long sems (Jan - Apr, & Aug - Dec, 16 weeks) & a short sem (May - July, 9 weeks)! Our sem breaks are only around a month then it's back to sleepless nights ToT AND YES those weeks were the most stressful weeks ever 🥺😭 I'm glad I'm graduating soon for that reason 😂(though idk what awaits in the working world ToT that is another fear I have :/)

Thank you for being part of this journey and being open to listening to my lil adventures! 🥺🙆🏻‍♀️💖😭 esp w the amount of responses and ppl helping me, I feel a lil more motivated to work and excel in this pregnancy (thesis, I call it pregnancy cuz it's around 9 months too HEHE) Since the pandemic, it's been pretty hard separating studies & hobbies :/ I've learnt it the hard way from my period cramps last sem (mine's the severe type where you can faint ToT), and it was also on my last paper for finals !! Very traumatizing ._. but I'll continue to manage myself better! :3

Huhu Cat since you're working now, I also wanna ask abt yr experience in job seeking! Cuz unemployment is a real deal here esp. w everything that's going on :') I don't have working experience either (only had 1 through internship) and it literally feels like I'm going into the unknown ToT I've been running over some case studies and assessments just to better prep myself for this. Do you have any advice as someone who's already working? UwU

Take care and stay lovely as always!! 💖💖💖

hi, sweetpea !!!! 🌸 omg major congratulations for getting your ERB approved, honey bee !!!!! 🥳🥳🥳 that’s absolutely amazing, and I’m uber proud of you 🥺💗💗 also, it’s wonderful that you hit the required number of participants so quickly !!!!! (And I would love to participate if the questionnaire is still open 🤧)

AND HECK YEAAA CONGRATS ON PASSING THE FINAL TOO 🤩🤩🤩🤩 big congrats to you all around, miss smarty pants 💓💓💓

Oh gosh, I hope you got to rest during your semester break too ): you’re working so hard, please remember to take care of yourself !! 💕 your mental health is more important 🤍 have you finalized your proposal now? And omg yes exactly !!! It’s so interesting to see the thought process behind an action and how it can be manipulated or influenced by various stimulants or there’s also the argument between nature versus nurture too and how that affects psychology and it’s just all so cool to learn about 🤩

Omg you had so many symptoms, I’m so sorry to hear that 😭 I only had a sore arm, but that’s what happens when I get any shot 🤧 I hope you’re feeling better now 💘💘

I’m really glad to hear that the nurses and volunteers were kind and friendly !! it’s always comforting to have nice people as doctors, especially when you’re trusting them to stick a needle in you bshdjdjdkd omg yangyang to the rescue !!!! 💞💞 we’re not allowed to record record any medical appointments, like I think the nurse thought the person in front of me in line was recording when they were getting their vaccine and said they weren’t allowed to do that 😅 and aaaaa I always have to look when they inject me, I don’t like being taken by surprise 🤧

oh my gosh you were so productive over your semester break !!!! :o and oooo you do content & design for your school’s newsletter? Do you do stuff like graphic designing and write articles? 💓 and how was the financial planning course !! Did you learn a lot? Did you like the studies? :’)

aaaaa those topics sound so cool ??? 🤩🤩 I would definitely be down to read about those omg 💛

for my 3D design class, I decided to do lightbulbs and flowers as my overarching theme for my art pieces !! I included a couple pictures below under the cut at the bottom 💓 the first one is a soft sculpture made out of newspaper, and there’s a pencil next to it for size reference, the second one is made of wires that I shaped myself, and the third one is made of foam boards that I cut and assembled myself as well 💕 and I included a picture of my final painting project! it’s a triptych and I believe the size was like 18 x 24 for each one? If you click on the picture, it should be better quality!

omg I love green tea ice cream too !!!!! 🍵🍦 I like going to somi somi for their matcha and milk swirl ice cream with red bean taiyaki 💚 I only had thai milk tea ice cream once, but it was phenomenal 🤩 I wish they sold it near me too !! milk and biscoff :o I’ve never tried that flavor! I’ll have to see if it’s sold around here :’) green tea is my favorite, but I also really like everything but the... from Ben and Jerry’s !! 💛 also alcoholic ice cream.... like there’s this one kind where it was a breakfast esque type with vanilla, corn flakes, and bourbon, and it was delicious 😋

omg what 😭😭 you’re basically going to school year round with no break bahsjdjdjdkd when I was in uni, i had a month off for winter break (usually something like dec 9 - jan 9) and then mid june to mid September off, so around three months of summer vacation? Your school schedule sounds absolutely brutal 💀💀

and omg of course !!! Thank you for letting me be a part of the journey 🥺💗 bdjdjddj pregnancy omg that’s such an interesting way of seeing it :o sending you all my love and support for a successful delivery of your thesis baby 🥰🥰 oh yeah, it’s definitely been a struggle to separate everything, especially when the lines between home and workspace blur with online school or working from home. And oh my god ???? Are you okay ?? Did you go see a doctor or take any medication? I hope you’re feeling better now !! Please take care of yourself 😭

ah, I got my job through my internship, so I’m not sure how helpful I will be 😅 but during the process of interviewing for internships, there were several rounds for each company that range from a group interview, a one on one interview, video interview where they give you random questions that you have to answer on the spot (some of mine were discuss the stock market, give a sales pitch on something you’re interested in, etc), a test, etc. I think it’s different depending on the job you’re going for, but that’s what I had to do in the business field! It’s important to study and prep for all of this!! It’s like taking an verbal exam for one of your classes. And also make sure to study the company’s website and familiarize yourself with what they do/sell.

My one piece of overall advice would be about interviews! Interviews are important in which the person interviewing you is seeing if you’ll be a good fit with the company, not in terms of skill, but personality. They already know you’re qualified and have good skills - that’s how you got the interview. With the interview, they’re essentially trying to see how personable you are and if you will work well with their team. Some people are so intent on proving their skills that they kinda just rattle off all their achievements and whatnot, and it’s like... the interviewer already knows this, it’s all on the resume they reviewed when they decided to give the interview offer. Be friendly, open, maybe make a little small talk at the beginning (“hey, how are you? any weekend plans / how was your weekend?” This is what I did for all my business interviews, and I got an offer back from every one 🤧💗), make appropriate jokes / be a little funny, just show that you’d be a fun person to have in the office whom people will want on their team, but that you will also be dedicated to the job and work hard 💘

And thank you so much, honey bee!!! 💞 I hope you’re doing well and having a good week , and please take care as well 🌷🌷