#headline: “’showing nature AND humans who’s boss’

[happyheidi]

deer walks into a store and later brings her whole family for another visit 🛒

Horsetooth Store, Gas, and RV Park

(via)

[waytooinvested]

Forgotten, Not Forgiven - Chapter 1

Still reeling from finding out the truth herself, Lena suddenly finds herself in the midst of an odd role reversal in which she knows that Kara is Supergirl, but Kara no longer has any idea she has ever been more than an ordinary human.

And what’s more, Lena has no choice but to keep the truth from her for her own protection…

This and previous chapters also on AO3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alex: Have you seen Kara?

Lena glanced at her phone and raised an eyebrow at the text lighting up her screen.

That woman had such a nerve.

She ignored the message and turned back to her computer, only to have another text ping in five minutes later.

Alex: Seriously Lena, she was due back hours ago and I haven’t heard anything. I need to know where she is.

Lena huffed irritably, but gave in.

Lena: I have no idea where she is. Kara and I are no longer friends, remember? I’m sure she’ll turn up in her own time.

Lena: We both know she can look after herself.

Alex didn’t respond again, so naturally Lena assumed that Kara had indeed turned up in her own time, and that everything had been fine after all.

That is, until she saw the headline in the news a week later:

SUPERGIRL MISSING?

She almost didn’t click the link.

Since she had found out the truth about Kara three months ago, Lena had done her best to comprehensively uproot the weed of their friendship from her life, and so far had been reasonably successful.

She had deleted Kara’s number from her phone before she had even made it back to her jet after her run in with Lex.

On the flight home she had called her assistant and asked her to make sure that Kara Danvers was escorted off the premises immediately should she show up at L-Corp, and had left a similar message with the security staff in her apartment complex.

Selling Catco had taken a little longer, but only because dealing with such a large asset could not be rushed. She might have been in pain, but Lena was a shrewd business woman and ensured that the sale was made with a hefty profit, the value of the company boosted by the revenue generation improvements she had made while in charge. She had also wanted to take her time to pick the perfect boss for Kara: someone who would inarguably make the magazine more profitable as a business than it had ever been before, while systematically and comprehensively destroying everything about it that had made Kara love her job there.

The new three year contracts with a non-compete clause thrown in had been a nice touch.

She could have taken her revenge further than that – had even planned exactly how she would do it.

The night of Kara’s Pulitzer prize. A damning speech about truth and lies, followed by Andrea Rojas leading the exposure of Supergirl’s secret identity to the world. Betrayal returned like for like, and Kara left as broken hearted as Lena had been.

Oh yes, she could have done it. Luthors were scorpions, and Lena knew how to sting.

But something had held her back from taking the final plunge that would have ripped safety and anonymity so irrevocably from Kara’s life. She wanted to believe it was her own compassion – an innate goodness that led her towards the moral high ground and made her fundamentally better than the Luthors she had so often sought to distance herself from, but it wasn’t true.

The reason she hadn’t done it was Lex.

Maybe if she had managed to pull the trigger last time they met, if she had murdered her own brother in cold blood for the sake of her traitorous false-friend, maybe then she would have done it. If Lex was dead and buried and out of her life for good, Lena could finally have stepped out of his shadow and stopped framing every decision she made against what he would have done. But Lex was still out there somewhere, laying low for now but undoubtedly still scheming, killing, making the worst decisions a human being could make while still being labelled as such, and that made a difference.

Revealing Supergirl’s identity to the world was a plan that Lex would have wanted her to carry out.

And so Lena hadn’t.

That had been enough at first, but as the weeks passed and the first fire of her rage cooled from white hot inferno to mere black smith’s forge fire, she found she was glad that she hadn’t taken the nuclear option. Kara might have deserved retribution for what she had done, but exposing her identity would put everyone she knew, including the entirety of the Catco staff and her unsuspecting apartment neighbours in serious danger from every human and alien criminal out there with a weapon and a score to settle, and Lena wanted no more innocent blood on her hands than had already been passed down to her as part of her dubious Luthor inheritance.

And she didn’t want Kara to die.

That didn’t mean she cared if Supergirl really had gone AWOL. She had had nothing to do with it, and it was none of her concern anymore...

Lena clicked the link.

According to this site, Supergirl had been observed flying off to the north of National City on an ‘unknown errand’ eight days previously and had not been seen since, leaving two major bank robberies, a fire at a children’s hospital and a collapsed ceiling at a swimming pool without support from ‘everyone’s favourite hometown hero’.

Eight days. That tallied with how long it had been since Alex had asked if she knew where Kara was, allowing for the full day that had passed before the DEO Director had made the decision to reach out to her. It struck Lena now that it was an odd thing for her to have done under normal circumstances. She might not have done anything to Alex specifically during the first fierce storm of her separation from their little group – at least not beyond a few short, sharp words and a door slammed in her face – but Alex had taken Lena’s swift and total removal of Kara from her life if anything even worse than Kara herself had, and had been round to yell at her over hurting Kara’s poor little feelings before the end of the first week.

She must have been desperate to have reached out to Lena like that after all this time.

Now she was looking for them, Lena found that there were dozens of similar stories popping up, ranging from serious think pieces about what this could mean for National City and Supergirl’s own welfare, to tabloid trash that suggested she might be having some sort of torrid three way affair with a sexually promiscuous alien couple from Saturn (why Saturn? Unclear. What was clear was that the entire story was utter garbage apart from one essential point: Supergirl was nowhere to be found).

Lena picked up her phone and tapped in Kara’s number, her chest tight with unease as she waited for the call to connect.

Of course she knew Kara’s number by heart. If she hadn’t she would never have been able to make herself delete it from her contacts.

It rang.

Maybe Kara was carrying a big stack of files and didn’t have a hand free to get her phone out of her back pocket.

And rang.

Maybe she was in the shower and didn’t want to rush out to answer the phone while wet and covered in shampoo.

And-

‘Hi this is Kara! I can’t get to the phone right now, but please leave me a message and I’ll get back-’

Maybe she was just screening Lena’s call. After everything that had happened between them it was what most people would have done, and Lena would understand that.

She hung up and redialled.

‘Hi this is Kara! I can’t-’

Kara would never have ignored a second call from Lena. No matter how angry she was, if she could pick up the phone, she would have done so by now.

Again.

‘Hi this is-’

She tried Alex instead.

This time, the phone was picked up before the end of the first ring.

‘Do you have Kara?’

A stone thudded into the pit of Lena’s stomach.

‘She really is missing then?’

‘Fuck. Yes she’s missing. You didn’t even know?’

‘Not until I saw it on the news just now. When I didn’t hear anything more from you after that last text I assumed she’d made it back safely’.

‘No, you had just answered my question and clearly didn’t want to help, so-’

‘Yes well, I thought she had just taken a detour to France for crepes or something, not that she was actually gone’.

‘Right, and you were so concerned you waited a week to check’.

‘Much as it may surprise you to learn this Alex, I don’t make a habit of keeping tabs on people who have betrayed me. So if you don’t want my help finding Supergirl I’ll just-’

‘No, Lena, wait. Look, I’m sorry okay? I’m just worried about her. If I send you the co-ordinates for her last known location do you think you could see if you can find anything? She went after this weird energy signature we’d picked up, but then her radio went dark and we couldn’t get anything else from her. We went out there to see if she was in some kind of trouble, but the place she was headed: it’s just a field. There’s nothing there, not even a trace of the energy we got before, and no sign of a struggle or any kind of indication of where she went next’.

‘Send me what you have and I’ll see what I can do’.

‘Sending it now’.

Less than a minute later Alex’s email arrived with the relevant details about Supergirl’s last known location attached, as well as everything they knew about the energy signature she had been investigating.

It wasn’t a whole lot to go on, except-

There was something vaguely familiar about the signature. It reminded her of…

Lex.

It reminded her of Lex, and the trap he had once devised to lure in a certain type of pseudo-photosynthesetic alien who fed on a very particular wavelength of light that wasn’t naturally produced by Earth’s yellow sun. Once it was absorbed the aliens could be hooked up to a generator that would produce massive amounts of electricity and could have made fossil fuels all but redundant overnight. In theory. In practise however Lex had never been able to make the conversion work, and had eventually given up on the plan.

So why was it showing up again now? And what did it have to do with Kara’s disappearance? It seemed far too much of a coincidence to imagine that the two things were unconnected, especially when Lex was the common thread.

Quickly, Lena skimmed through her options, and picked one she could adapt to this new purpose. The DEO had been scanning for days with no luck, but she had one thing they didn’t.

She knew her brother.

It took another two hours to fine tune the software and upload it to a satellite with scanning capabilities, but at last it was ready. She cast a wide net, centred on the location Alex had given her but stretching out from it to search a 30 mile radius. If it really was Lex then the place he had lured Supergirl was a decoy, and would be located well away from wherever he actually wanted her to end up.

She had to extend her search parameters twice, but at last she found it. Not the same energy signature – that would be too obvious. No, what Lena had been looking for was the special coded frequency that Lex had developed in his teens. To most people it would look like background radio noise, but Lena knew better.

It was him alright.

She reached for her phone to call Alex, then hesitated. All she had actually done was locate her brother, or at least somewhere he was broadcasting from. But the site was more than 80 miles from where Kara had last been seen, and Lena was working on a hunch rather than any kind of real evidence that Lex had taken her.

Besides, if the DEO got him they would just send him back to jail, and it had become abundantly clear that a maximum security cell was not enough to contain him.

No, Lena was going to have to do this herself. She would find Lex, and if he really had kidnapped Kara, she would finish what she had started the night he revealed the truth about Supergirl.

She was going to kill him.

[ugly-crying-over-bucky-barnes]

Darklina Fall Fest Day 2

 Fall Colors | Change | Meet-Cute in the Park

Summary: Aleksander gets a new secretary who makes him realize how beautiful fall colors are. 

         For a long time, Aleksander could never keep track of the months. The seasons of the year all sort of blurred together. He didn’t pay much mind to them. Either he was wearing a coat or he wasn’t.

         He didn’t get to where he was as the head of a multi-billion-dollar company by recalling what day or even month it was. But it annoyed his secretary to no end when he misdated nearly everything.

         So much so, that the middle-aged woman retired early. She joked that the doctor treating her migraines suggested it.

         “Your diagnosis is migraines and the reason is your boss!”

         Aleksander was a good sport about it. He understood he was a difficult person to work with. But he was going to miss her. She minded her own business, didn’t make any lasting impression, and did her work well.

         His new secretary was the complete opposite. He didn’t hire her, he left that up to his number two, Ivan. But the first day Aleksander wished he had been involved in the process. Because when Alina Starvoka walked in, he knew he was fucked.

         In more ways than one. She was late, for one. The young woman hurried in, hair askew and struggling to keep her bag over her shoulder. She apologized profusely to Ivan who had been waiting ten minutes for her to show up. She went on about unreliable transportation and how the bus system was a nightmare.

         All she got was a stony look.

         The second reason, Aleksander realized when she first walked into his office. He glanced up and he realized she was possibly the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen.

         After all, Aleksander was just a man. A man who enjoyed beauty in any sense of the word. But he didn’t appreciate the implications of a CEO taking advantage of his secretary. Too cliché for his liking and he could only imagine the headlines. He had enough of a reputation, he didn’t need to make it worse.

         He had to remain professional.

         “Mr. Morozov, I’m so sorry I was late.”

         “Sit.” He interrupted her impending list of excuses. Although he’d earned the nickname the Darkling for his cunning and often ruthless nature in business, he wasn’t a monster. And he wasn’t going to fire the poor girl on her first day.

         Timidly, Alina sat down. She wasn’t sure what to be most intimidated by, his dark eyes on her, or the fact that she was in the infamous man’s office.

         “I trust you got everything squared with HR?” He asked.

         She sighed in relief. At least he wasn’t going to fire her. “Yes.”

         “Good. My last secretary left you a little run down of how everything operates around here. Any questions you have, direct them to Ivan.”

         Alina looked spooked at having to say anything to the stony-faced man let alone ask him questions.

         “I promise he won’t bite your head off.” There was a glint of humanity in Aleksander’s eyes. Alina knew if she had blinked, she would’ve missed it. But even in that brief moment, she felt more relaxed.

         “I’m sorry I was late; it won’t happen again.” She promised.

         “It’s alright Miss Starkova. We’ll talk soon.” He dismissed her.

~~~~~~~~           

         Alina appeared to get along with everyone in the office. Barely a week in and Aleksander already saw her gossiping with some of the ladies. A few months in, he caught witness to the first laugh Ivan ever uttered in the office. And Alina was the reason.

         But she always remained entirely professional around him. She treated him differently. It was clear he still intimidated her. If it was anyone else, Aleksander wouldn’t care. But she had awakened something in him.

         He didn’t realize this until he noticed how lovely fall colors looked on her. When the weather began to change from summer to autumn, Alina jumped into the season eagerly.

         September 22nd, she was in the office with pumpkin earrings and a red-orange top that complemented her well.

         “Excited for the season?” He wondered after she told him his schedule for the day.

         She smiled. “I love when I can wear sweaters again and when the leaves change.”

         Her smile always made Aleksander ache. She was so beautiful that it weakened him. “I always take a drive outside the city to see the leaves properly.”

         “Really?”

         “Why does that surprise you?” He wondered.

         “You just seem to like the city a lot. Being a businessman and all.” She shrugged and gathered her papers.

         Aleksander saw the signs of her leaving. It happened every morning. He never got enough alone time with her. Maybe it was for the best. He didn’t deserve such a sweet young woman. So, he just had to take those few brief moments in the morning. “Have a good day, Miss Starkova.”

         “You can call me Alina, you know.” She said out of the blue. Judging by the look on her face it had come out spontaneously.

         He weighed his options because he was treading dangerous waters. He could remain professional and reject her request. Or he could call her Alina and further realize what he could never have.  “Thank you, Alina.”

 ~~~~~~~~~~~

         Fliers were going around the office mid-way into October. It was time for the bi-annual company outing. Aleksander became blind to them after a few years. He never went. It wasn’t that he didn’t like his employees, he enjoyed their company quite a bit. But he maintained a very professional position around them. Going to an outing like that would only tank that reputation. That, or he would sour the mood. He had a feeling of which one it would be.

         But that year it would change, as many things had already changed. Alina came into his office on the Wednesday before the Saturday outing. 

         “I’m assuming you’re going to this weekend.” Aleksander struck up small talk as she was editing something on his schedule.

         “Yeah, it sounds like a lot of fun. Nina seemed so excited when she told me about it.” Alina smiled as she wrote.

         He took the opportunity of her head down to look at her. She was wearing a light brown top with orange clips in the shape of leaves in her hair. Seeing her different variations of fall colors made him realize how she put the season to shame. The changing leaves could learn a thing or two from Alina Starkova.

         Nearly every day he thought about how nice it would be if she was his. He imagined a nice, quiet life with her. He’d shower her with gifts. Anything she wanted; she would have. The only thing he would ask for in return would be her love.

         She lifted her head and he quickly averted his eyes to his phone. “I’ll come back in to set up that conference call for you in an hour.” She said and stood up.

         He watched her leave and let out a long sigh. Realistically, he should’ve nipped it all in the bud. Should’ve gotten rid of the fantasies and returned to a strictly professional life. But the neglected side of him, the romantic and affectionate side, was demanding to be heard.

 ~~~~~~~~~`

         Later that day, he caught Nina before she went to lunch. “I’m going to be coming along this weekend.”

         She looked surprised. “Oh, of course, you can come.” But she winced slightly. “We’re going to a brewery though.”

         Just his luck. Aleksander hadn’t drunk alcohol in five years.           

         “I’m so sorry, I just figured since you’ve never come before and Fedyor has been dying for us to go to this place.”

         “It’s alright.” He reassured her. He didn’t care if his employees drank on their own time. But he didn’t want his appearance to look suspicious.

         “The next one you can…”

         “No, I’ll be coming this weekend.” He decided. Suspicious or not, he was planning on getting to know Alina better.

 ~~~~~~~~~

         All eyes were on him as he walked in. It was a lovely little place with an outdoor seating area complete with comfy couches, fire pits, and heat lamps. Nina had rented out the brewery for the afternoon. So, all of his employees were watching him come in like they were seeing some sort of cryptid. There were several reasons why.

         He’d never come to an outing before.

         More than half of them had never seen the man wear anything but a tailored suit. Yet there he was in a jumper and jeans.

         And many people knew he didn’t drink.

         Aleksander was glad to see Alina was sitting at a table with Nina and Fedyor. He approached and could not believe he was feeling nervous. This wasn’t primary school; he could talk to a woman. But she looked so beautiful. She had on a thick, hunter-green cable-knit jumper and little black cat earrings.

         “Hey, boss.” Nina greeted

         Alina turned and Aleksander couldn’t believe the smile he brought to her face. “I didn’t know you were coming.”

         “You and everyone else,” Fedyor remarked. “Aleksander, you’ve never come with us anywhere!”

         “Well, I have to check on you all every so often to make sure you’re doing good by the company name.” He sat down opposite Alina.

         Nina was putting two and two together faster than the speed of light. Clearly, something had changed in the past year that would make Aleksander willing to go to an outing. But not even that, an outing where the key activity was drinking. He immediately went to sit with them. Nina knew Aleksander liked her and Fedyor but he wasn’t looking at them. He was looking at Alina. And looking at her with the kind of fondness Nina had never seen from him before.

         She glanced at Fedyor who was coming to a similar conclusion. He nodded to her.

         “We’re going to go get another beer.” Nina stood. She didn’t preface if they would be back or not.

         “Okay.” Alina smiled, wanting to stay put and talk to Aleksander. But once they were alone, she felt her hands tremble a bit with anticipation. “Um, did you want something to drink? I’m usually not an IPA drinker but this one isn’t too bitter. I could get one for you if you want.” She offered.

         “It’s your day off, Alina, you don’t have to be my secretary twenty-four-seven.” He reassured her. “Besides, I don’t drink.”

         Alina paused. If what Fedyor said was true, then Aleksander chose to come to the one outing that he had no interest in. It seemed strange but something must have compelled him to come.

         Well, he was sitting with her.

         In an odd way, it quieted her nerves. For a long time, Alina assumed Aleksander didn’t think much about her or anyone for that matter. He was so reserved and formal that she wondered if he cared about anything at all. But seeing him dressed down, sitting outside with the rest of his employees, he felt more human to her.

         “Have you gone on your drive to see the leaves yet?” She wondered.

         “It’s too early. I usually go late October.” He explained.

         “My friends have been planning on driving out to go apple picking. We haven’t gone in a few years because we’ve all been so busy.” Alina was a sucker for fall activities. But her last job had been a nightmare, making her work weekends and sometimes even holidays.

         “I hope you have more time now.”

         “You’ve been probably the easiest boss I’ve ever had.” She admitted. He couldn’t help but laugh. She looked confused. “Sorry, I don’t mean to say you don’t work hard…”

         “No, no.” He waved a hand. “I don’t take it as a slight to my work ethic. I’ve just been accused of being a hard-ass many times.”

         “You’re…serious. But you’re consistent and clear about what you want.” She shrugged and took another sip of her beer. “Can I be honest with you?”

         “I welcome honesty.”

         “I was so scared of you the first week. I swore you were going to just start yelling at me out of the blue for something.”

         Aleksander would never dream of it. It would destroy him to raise his voice at her. “So, the Darkling persona doesn’t live up to the name?”

         She tilted her head to the side. “I’m not sure about that. I just think…I mean, it’s nothing.”

         “You can tell me.”

         “It might sound stupid, but I think you might just be easier on me.”

         Aleksander was really questioning how good his poker face was. Honestly, how obvious was it to everyone? He thought he could conceal his thoughts and feelings well but here he had the object of his affection easily catching onto his game. “I don’t need to be hard on you. You do your work well.”

         “I was late the first day and Ivan has had to correct me like ten times.” She pointed out.

         “You’re still learning.”

         Alina didn’t believe him. And if he was playing cool, then it only further proved her theory. “So, why did you come today?”

         “To enjoy the day. I had nothing to do this weekend.” Lying didn’t necessarily come easily to him, but he had a knack for the art of being evasive.

         Alina didn’t buy his bullshit for a second. “Hm.”

         He narrowed his eyes with an amused look. “You don’t believe me?”

         “I didn’t say that. I was just thinking about how a CEO doesn’t have anything to do on the weekend.”

         He chuckled. “Well, it’s not like I go out to party every Saturday. I tend to like my time at home.”

         “And yet, you’re here.” She met his gaze with a challenge. A flirtatious one.

         Aleksander was hooked. Her courage astounded him in the best of ways. “I like your earrings.” He commented, diverting her attention. Upon closer inspection, the cat-shaped studs weren’t the only piercings she had. She had two more crawling up her lobe and one in her cartilage. He never noticed because she only ever wore one piercing in the office. On the weekend, she felt a little freer to express herself. “Did this one hurt?” He gestured to the cartilage on his own ear.

         “Not as much as the other ones I have.” She shrugged and drank more of her IPA.

         Externally, Aleksander nodded in casual interest. Internally, he was reeling. Other piercings? Saints, was she trying to kill him?

 ~~~~~~~~~

         The rest of the outing, Aleksander and Alina spent talking. Neither moved from their table. Everyone took notice. The one time their boss comes to an event and he spends the whole time talking to his secretary.

         Ivan rolled his eyes and muttered to his husband, “This is a joke, right?”

         Fedyor just shook his head. “I think they’re cute together. Besides, look at him smile. Have you ever seen him smile like that? It’s good for him, trust me.”

~~~~~~~~

         Aleksander rode the high from the brewery for the next week. It was like a business strategy. He needed to express his affection for her without coming off too strong or making it too obvious to the rest of the office. The latter was already ruined, but Aleksander didn’t know that.

         He was tactful. Complimenting Alina’s dedication to the fall season. And Alina preened under the praise. So, she upped the ante.

         Sensing he didn’t mind her piercings, she experimented with wearing two or three. He also seemed to appreciate the effort she spent on her hair.

         She had woken up early to test that theory too. As she left, he zeroed in on the fishtail braid that was so expertly done and finished off with little ghost barrettes.

         “Did you do that on your own?”

         Alina paused and turned. But not before she smirked to herself. “Hm?”

         “Your braid. It looks unbearably complicated and I can’t imagine how anyone could do that on their own.” He remarked.

         “It takes practice. I’m a very patient person.” She tossed the braid over her shoulder and walked out, deeming the experiment was a success.

~~~~~~~~~

         Aleksander wasn’t blind to her growing flirtation. She’d opened up much more since the brewery outing. She spent more and more time in his office in the morning. Their talk slowly turned from strictly business to more personal.

         So, by late October, Aleksander felt comfortable asking.

         “I’m going to go on my drive this weekend.” He said on Friday.

         “It seems like the perfect time and the weather is supposed to be nice.” She smiled.

         Aleksander had been weakened by the beige top she was wearing, paired with a deep red sweater. “I was wondering if you wanted to come with me. I know you enjoy the season and I’ve never gone with anyone else before.”

         Alina’s heart skipped a beat. “You’re just warming up more and more to the idea of spending time with people, aren’t you?” She teased.

         He tilted his head to the side, trying to look offended. “You don’t get this far in business without being a people-person, Miss Starkova.”

         “I told you to call me Alina.” She reminded him as she often had to.

         “Alina, would you like to come with me tomorrow?”

         She nodded. “Sure, I’ll come.”

~~~~~~~~~~~ 

         Aleksander picked Alina up at her apartment building. He frowned at the neighborhood she was living in. He couldn’t imagine her walking around at night all by herself. His worry shifted to relief when he saw her coming out of the rundown brick-faced building.

         She wore a white long sleeve top tucked into a brown corduroy skirt. Underneath she wore thick tights and knee-high boots. Her hair was done up in elaborate braids and paired with leaf-shaped clips. She had a plaid wrap coat thrown over her arm.

         Alina got into the passenger seat with a smile. “Hi.”

         He almost didn’t realize she said anything. He was focused on her dark red lipstick. “Ready?” He shifted gears.

         “As long as you’re not going to go a hundred miles in this thing.” She took in the Audi Spyder.

         “Did Nina tell you I drive too fast?”

         “No, that was just intuition.” She adjusted the coat on her lap. “I didn’t really tell anyone I was coming along.”

         Aleksander watched the road ahead. There was reality seeping in a little too late. Because of course, they couldn’t date. Instantly the press would descend and he’d be labeled an abuser of power. He could handle the accusations as they might be accurate. But he couldn’t put that pressure on Alina. He didn’t even want to think about what people might say.

         But maybe he could just enjoy one day with her.     

         “Why do you live in such a rough neighborhood?” He asked.

         “It has its charm.” She shrugged. “I am waiting for my lease to be up though now that I can afford something nicer.”

         He nodded, pleased that she was being fairly paid. He didn’t want any of his employees struggling. In the back of his mind, he wondered if he could subtly give her a pay raise. “I just hope you’re not out at night on your own.”

         Alina was intrigued by his protectiveness. She had seen hints of it before but she thought it was just his nature. “I have a taser.”

         He snorted in surprise. “Are those things even legal?”

         “Do you care?”

         He chuckled and shook his head. “Not if it keeps you safe. Maybe I should fear for your neighbors. Clearly, you’re the menace.”

         Her laugh was beautiful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

         They left the city and Aleksander took a path he’d mapped out years ago. It passed through the suburbs and out further to the countryside. It was abundant of forest-lined roads and yellow meadows. The sky was a clear blue and highlighted the striking yellows, oranges, reds, and browns of the leaves.

         Every so often, Aleksander glanced over and saw Alina taking in the landscape with a serene look. They chatted idly about things they passed and how their lives were going.

         About an hour in, they passed through a small town where there was a nice sandwich shop. They got lunch and drove further out to a pasture of cows. Aleksander parked and Alina got out to stretch her legs.

         “You can sit on the hood.” He offered.

         “I wasn’t even going to ask; I don’t want to damage the paint job.” She said cheekily but sat on the edge of the hood. She unwrapped her sandwich and dug in.

         Aleksander joined her. He paused between bites to watch the herd of cows slowly move across the yellowing grass.

         “Do you know that your employees really admire you, Aleksander?”

         The comment seemed out of the blue and at first, he didn’t know what to say. “It’s hard to ask that sort of thing. But I appreciate that.”

         She smiled warmly, outshining the sun. “Sometimes I think you don’t realize.”

         “I think I’m starting to understand better.”

         Alina averted her eyes when she realized he was gazing so fondly at her. She couldn’t imagine how warm her cheeks were but they felt like they were on fire even in the chilly autumnal day.

         They finished their sandwiches in relative silence. Some of the cows came over to observe them. Alina giggled and took pictures of them.

         “Go stand by the fence, Sasha.” She coaxed, waving her hand.

         He saw in her face that she hadn’t even realized she used a nickname he hadn’t heard in ages. “Cows don’t spit, do they?” He stood up but hesitated.

         “You’re thinking of llamas.”

         “Ah.” He walked a few feet from the car to stand near the fence. A few of the cows approached, mooing curiously.

         Alina snapped a few pictures. Most of them, Aleksander was glancing over his shoulder nervously as the cows got closer and closer. Eventually, one had her head leaning over the fence.

         Aleksander decided it was close enough and he returned to the car. “I’ve been stopping here for years and they never come up to me like that.”

         “I wonder what changed.”

         He smiled at her softly. He knew because it was the same reason everything in his life had changed.

         Now he had to push that reason away from him.

~~~~~~~~~ 

         It was late in the afternoon when they returned to Alina’s apartment. She was absolutely thrilled at the time they had spent with one another. She felt she’d finally cracked his shell open and got to the warm and sweet man he truly was.

         But the fall fun ended that day.

         “Alina, we should discuss a few things.” He adopted a more formal tone.

         Her heart sank. “Okay.”

         “I have…been having feelings for you.” He admitted. “But it’s not right. Relationships between a boss and their subordinates are frowned upon. Especially in a company like this.”

         Alina felt like she could cry right then and there. “So, you’re worried about your image.” She responded bitterly.

         “No, I’m worried about yours.”

         She wanted to call bullshit but he sounded so sincere even behind the CEO tone. “Okay, that’s fine.” She mumbled. “I don’t want to make things difficult.”

         Aleksander felt like he was dying inside. She had given him so much life. Now it felt like he was cutting his heart loose. He had to convince himself it was for the best, all while slowly withering away. “Thank you for coming with me today.”

         She gathered her things. “Sure.” She replied coldly and got out of the car without another word.

 ~~~~~~~~~~

         He hated to see the fall go. November froze into December. It felt fitting. Aleksander felt like his heart had frozen over too.

         Alina stayed on as his secretary. He was surprised, he thought she was going to disappear after the way he treated her. In a way it was good. At least he still got to see her. In a way it was bad. Because he still got to see her.

         She abandoned the fall hues after Thanksgiving. She adopted more grays, blacks, and blues. Aleksander expected her to become a little more festive around the holidays. Maybe sport some snowflakes, candy canes, or stars. But she didn’t.

         It was almost a snub to him. He wanted professional; she was going to give him professional.

         In the mornings, she kept things brief and hardly looked at him. It wasn’t out of malice. She just couldn’t look at him without tearing up. She cried when she was alone, mourning the fantasy of Aleksander. If she was angry at anyone, it was herself for believing they could ever be together.

         The holiday season was frigid as it transitioned into the new year. The company was having a New Year’s Eve party at a bar. Aleksander declined the invitation. He’d been quite the grump the whole holiday season and no one knew why. But they weren’t keen on asking just in case he took out his anger on them.

         While the rest of the company left early for the party, Aleksander remained holed up in his office. His space heater was on and he cursed the lack of sunlight. Maybe if he got some more vitamin D, he wouldn’t be so depressed. He would go on a holiday to somewhere tropical if he wasn’t such a workaholic.

         Around eight at night, it was pitch black outside. Aleksander wasn’t really getting any work done. He just preferred sitting in his office to going home alone. The thought of welcoming in the new year brooding at home alone was too bleak. At least if he was pretending to work, he could feel a bit more accomplished.

         A knock on the door jamb startled him. “Saints, Alina.” He exhaled sharply as she spooked him.

         “Sorry, I didn’t mean to sneak up on you.” She was wearing the same black pants and gray sweater as she had on earlier. Not quite the attire for a New Year’s party.

         “Aren’t you going out?” He wondered.

         She chewed on her lip and shook her head. “I needed to see you.”

         He didn’t question it. He needed to see her too. “Okay.” He gestured for her to sit.

         Instead, she rounded his desk and stood right in front of him. “I think I need to quit because I’m in love with you and I can’t…I can’t keep doing this.” After weeks of building up, she allowed herself to cry in front of him.

         Aleksander stood, resting his hands on her arms. “Alina, please, I’m sorry.” He said quietly. “This is all my fault for leading you on.”

         “Don’t you get it, Aleksander?” She sniffled. “I deluded myself into thinking we could ever be together.”

         His shoulders slumped. “I thought the same thing. I was blind to reality. And it has nothing to do with the way I feel about you, please understand that. It’s purely circumstances. Had we met in a different way, I would have…” His voice faded away. It would do neither of them any good if he continued the fantasy of what might have been.

         “I don’t care about circumstances. The way I feel about you is stronger than anything I’d have to face to be with you.” She asserted.

         “You say that now, but I don’t want your image to be ruined.”

         “I’d rather people gossip about me than be miserable knowing I can’t be with you. But I know what your stance is, so I have to give you my resignation letter.” She reached into her bag and pulled out an envelope.

         He took it and turned it over in his hands a few times. “I can’t accept this.”

         “You don’t have to. I’m leaving either way.”

         “I love you.” He looked amused at her blank stare. “Well, don’t look so surprised. Did you really think it was all one-sided?” He remarked. He felt a little lighter once he confessed. Even if she left, at least he’d said what he needed to.

         Alina wiped her eyes. “So, you’re going to make this harder for me?” She accused.

         “Yes.” He replied bluntly. “Because I don’t want you to leave.”

         “Then what do you want from me?” She demanded.

         He gently took her hand. “I would give up everything for you, Alina. You restarted this.” He pressed her palm to his heart. “You restarted my whole life.”

         Tears streamed down her cheeks. “I don’t want you to give up everything for me.”

         “Then stay on. We’ll sign something with HR, but it won’t be easy.” He warned.

         “I never do things easily.”

         He smiled for the first time in weeks and touched his forehead to hers. “Did you still want to go to the party?” He asked.

         “No, I want to be here with you.”

        Aleksander kissed her at midnight. His suit jacket was wrapped around her shoulders and she was curled up on his lap. The warmth from her began to seep back into his bloodstream. He idly wondered what she looked like in pastels come spring.

[fatehbaz]

the racism and imperial ambitions of Kew Gardens, plant-collecting expeditions, major scientific institutions of Europe, especially between 1700 and 1900, etc., were merely “covert”? just a little bit “problematic”?

The Natural History Museum is planing to review its collections following fears from museum bosses that they could cause offence. A review has been commissioned in the wake of the Black Lives Matter movement, which will include an audit of the statues, rooms and individual items which staff members think show "legacies of colonies, slavery and empire".

In documents [...], the executive board told staff the museum would undertake a review into room names, statues and collections [...]. According to the paper, one curator said "science, racism and colonial power were inherently entwined", and that any collections deemed "problematic" could be renamed or even removed. [...]

It is thought the review will look at the Charles Darwin collection, whose trip to the Galapagos Islands on HMS Beagle was cited by a curator as one of Britain's many "colonialist scientific expeditions". The documents said “museums were put in place to legitimise a racist ideology”, and that “covert racism, exists in the gaps between the displays”. However, speaking to The Standard, a spokesperson for The Natural History Museum said: "Recently we started a review to better understand the history of our institution as a historical and contemporary global collection of natural history specimens.”

Headline, photo, tw!tt*r screencap, and text from: Duffield. “Natural History Museum is due to review ...” Evening Standard. 7 September 2020.

----

Stuff:

- Charles Darwin considered Indigenous people of Tierra del Fuego as less intelligent/sentient than domesticated dogs; Carl Linnaeus explicitly and directly plotting colonization and calling Southeast Asian, Latin American Indigenous, and Chinese people “barbaric”, “poor”, etc.

-  The tale of breadfruit domestication, the mutiny on the Bounty, and plantation owners plotting with Kew Gardens to take plants from Indigenous Polynesians and domesticate crops to undermine slave gardens in the Caribbean.

–  “Ghostly non-places; settler-colonial hallucinations and fantasy visions; monstrous plants and animals; hiding, destroying, re-making ecological worlds; permanent cataclysm; the horror of settlement”: Anna Boswell on settler-colonial agriculture/ecology and the role of scientific institutions in legitimating imperial constructions of “new worlds.”

– Conflating women with “bloodthirsty” and “flesh-eating” plants, and the dehumanization of Indigenous cultures through the scientific illustrations of imperial scientific agents and artistic depictions of plants from colonized ecosystems (Euro-American art/botany, 1700s to early 1900s).

- When naturalists from Kew Gardens tried to import marsupials from Australia in order to naturalize the kangaroo to English ecosystems in an attempt build imperial/nationalist identity and pride by demonstrating how the English countryside is friendly, perfect, superior, welcoming to life, unlike the dangerous tropical landscapes at Empire’s frontier (1790s to 1850s).

- Scientists and land managers of Canadian federal government attempting to expand control over the Arctic/sub-Arctic by purposely killing caribou herds to weaken Indigenous autonomy before importing European reindeer to better control Indigenous foodsheds. (1890s to 1930s.)

-  How the gardens, horticulture, and food markets of poor/dispossessed/enslaved in the Caribbean allowed autonomous food networks to exist and undermine plantation owners. (Late 1700s, early 1800s.)

- Grasses, seed merchants, and “the Empire’s dairy farm” in Aotearoa. (European agriculture in late 19th and early 20th centuries.) And: The role of grasslands, deforestation, and English grasses in ecological imperialism in Aotearoa, early 20th century.

- The Scottish-born chief coroner of Adelaide who robbed graves, dissected bodies, and took the skulls of at least 180 Aboriginal people for his home collection. (1900-ish to 1920-ish.)

- Pineapple, breadfruit, and plantations “doing the work of Empire” in Hawaii.

- Mapuche people, Valdivian temperate rainforest, and Chilean/European state plots to colonize Valdivia by dismantling the rainforest to undermine Mapuche autonomy and to create “Swiss or German pastoral farm landscape”.

-  Carl Linnaeus and botanists’ racism against India and Latin America, and the use of botanic gardens to acquire knowledge as an exercise of “soft empire.”

- How Atomic Energy Commission and academic ecologists from the US knowingly and purposely used Polynesian/Micronesian people as human test subjects and profited off of nuclear weapons testing in the South Pacific. (Contains many direct quotes from the scientists. Extremely graphic.)

- Dandelions, other non-native plants, and settler gardens changing soil of the Canadian Arctic. (Late 1800s and early 1900s.)

- European botanic gardens in 18th-/19th-century Mexico and Central America as a tool of imperialism and knowledge systematization. (“Botany began as atechnoscope – a way to visualize at-a-distance – but, at the end of the eighteenth century, it was already a  teletechnique –  a way to act at-a-distance.”)

- Memes for when you see a mention of “Joseph Banks” or “Kew Gardens” in any magazine, academic article, museum exhibit, documentary, or something.

- “Fugitive seeds”: Seed-keeping and plant knowledge among Black communities in the US as an alternative current of thought compared to the scientific racism of 19th century scientific institutions.

- How European botanists experimented under the reign of Leopold in the Belgian Congo before transplanting African oil palm to Southeast Asia to establish the first major oil palm plantations; today, 100 years later, oil palm monoculture ravages Southeast Asia and the same plantation company still owns property across Africa.

-  Wild rice, “cottage colonialism” in Canada, imaginative control, the power of names and naming plants. (1780 to present.) And: Kew Gardens plotting to take Native strains of wild rice and domesticate them for cheap and profitable consumption in other imperial British colonies.

- Calcutta  Botanic Gardens abduction and use of Chinese slaves; Kew Gardens (successfully) plotting to steal cinchona from people of Bolivia to service their staff in India; botanic gardens’ role in large-scale dispossession to create plantations in Assam and Ooty (1790s - 1870s).

[blackswaneuroparedux]

Anonymous asked: As a staunch royalist I would be interested to hear your views about Prince Harry and Meghan Markle deciding to quit the British royal family. Did they do the right thing or are they just being selfish and ‘woke’? Does this ‘Megxit’ the British royal family is in crisis and its future looks bleak by this act of betrayal to the Queen?

Short answer:

I have been avoiding answering this question precisely because I became tired of hearing about it around the family dinner table or with friends when I visited England recently or now with French friends here in Paris who can’t fathom what is going on. But too many have asked about this in my blog inbox.

I don’t mean to sound so dismissive but to me it’s just a passing storm in a tea cup rather than some cataclysmic crisis of the British monarchy. Everyone should stop take a deep breath.

After the joint press statement by Prince Harry and the Duchess of Sussex statement came out on 8 January 2020 it set in motion the usual hilarious pastiche of Cold War Kremlinology by the British press.  So at any one time you had sensationalist and sanctimonious headlines such as the fury of the palace press knew no bounds. How dare they? The Queen humiliated. The palace insulted. And so on and so on.

Every newspaper editor knows there is a yawning gulf between the “public interest” and what interests the public. By any standards, Harry and Meghan have become huge celebrities. They were idolised, their charities blessed, their presence craved. Unfortunately such is human nature, the public invest something of themselves in their heroes. They see in their idols a reflection of their own fantasies and delights, hopes and fears. When they witness celebrities traumatised it can be unsettling, as the death of Princess Diana vividly showed. People cried in the street.

As Harry knew from his mother’s tragic experience, all this is par for the royal course. The British newspapers - or rather those peddling in royal tittle tattle such as the Sun, Mirror, and the Daily Mail - have a habit of erecting pedestals one minute and then the next minute they enjoy destroying the icon in the name of the public interest. Andrew’s former wife, Sarah Ferguson, was appallingly treated. So at times were Princess Anne, and Prince Edward’s wife, Sophie. Press attention should be water off the royal duck’s back. Prince Philip’s advice was reportedly: “Don’t read the bloody papers.”

While Harry was brought up surrounded by the furies of the celebrity media, Meghan’s career was the opposite. In her profession as a known actor (albeit a middling TV actor at that), image is an artifice, daily crafted and laundered by publicists.

This does not work with British royalty, which comes with its own carefully minted image attached. Its rituals are those of mind-numbing deference. It has no accountability. The only mirror it has is the press. The tabloids are the price that must be paid for adulation. They honour no discretion and have no sense of fairness. The press is a memento mori, whispering into the victor’s ear that he – or she – is only mortal. And gosh do they take that role on with sanctimonious glee. 

To be daily compared to the Duchess of Cambridge, from an utterly different social background, must have been intolerable for Meghan: the dress comparisons, the stuffiness of the court, its hyper-caution and obsession with precedence and procedure, added to the impossibility of contact with ordinary people. As a self-made millionaire already perhaps she wanted to be more than a mere civil servant in a tiara. Perhaps it proved too much but who really knows? But then I don’t know what else she expected when she decided to marry into the British royal family.

Similarly one can only speculate how much it was really Prince Harry who wanted to drop out riding on the royal carousel as he has been since birth. Regardless of who he married perhaps this was always the plan. His loathing of the British press and paparazzi is well known - he still blames them for his mother’s tragic death in Paris. It’s well known the paparazzi have tried to catch him out in manufactured scandals as he grew up. He has refreshingly come clean and has talked about how he still goes to therapy over his mother’s death. It’s no wonder he would ever subject a future wife and especially a child to the level of press intrusion that he had endured.

Prince Harry is nobody’s fool. I won’t say a bad word about him because - unlike previous and present royals with the exception of his grandfather, Prince Philip, who did active naval service during the Second World War and his uncle Prince Andrew, who as a naval officer flew Sea King helicopters during the Falklands War - he didn’t play the ceremonial toy soldier. After Eton he worked his arse off to get through Sandhurst and got commissioned with the Blues and Royals regiment. Upon the outbreak of war in Iraq, he was alleged to have said around 2006, “There's no way I'm going to put myself through Sandhurst and then sit on my arse back home while my boys are out fighting for their country.”

As it was the military chiefs got cold feet and pulled him out. But he did see active service with the British forces in Afghanistan with two tours. By all accounts he acquitted himself very well as a Forward Air Controller in Helmand Province and later as a co-pilot and gunner on Apache helicopters. He was widely respected and accepted by rank and file because he was down to earth and never asked for special treatment.  He wasn’t a typical ‘Rupert’ - a squaddie’s nickname given to British army officers who typically came from privileged aristocratic backgrounds but were also ‘nice but dim witted’.

Overall I sympathise that the Sussexes’ predicament was clearly desperate, and it is perhaps to their credit that they have brought it to a head early and not let it drag on. I feel they are sincere in their reasons to ’step back’ from the royal family and frenzied media circus around it. The fact they want to pay their own way and pay back any outstanding sums back to the royal household is perhaps a sign of that sincerity.

Instead some sections of the British press rolled out the tired old trope of the parallels between the Duke of Sussex and his great-great uncle, the Duke of Windsor, are overwhelming. Once again, a dashing, sporting, ex-military prince leaves royal life for the love of an American divorcée. This is exactly the opposite of what Edward and Mrs Wallace Simpson did when they bit the hand that fed them. They took money to support their lavish lifestyle in exile from the Queen and all the while took every opportunity to snark the fledgling young Queen from their own alternative royal court in Paris. Harry no doubt loves his grandmother and his family and would try not sully the Windsor name.

Where I would be critical a little is in their handling of it which appears naive at best and inept at worst. I suspect - since verified - that having a transatlantic split of publicists, and in addition didn’t understand the full import of how this would play out, would inevitably drop the ball. But I would extend a finger of blame to the palace courtiers who were involved in their own games of intrigue with a whispering campaign to selected journalists of the press. Indeed multiple newspapers, including the Daily Telegraph in the UK, reported that the queen was “disappointed” with the surprise announcement, and had asked the Sussexes to hold off on issuing a public statement. When The gossip mongering Sun newspaper published a front-page story that the couple was contemplating a move to Canada, the Sussexes pushed the button on their statement.

I do think the Sussexes  and their advisors were fooling themselves into thinking that they could have their cake and eat it - in other words keep the royal titles but cut back on the public and ceremonial duties. The blunt truth is if you want to stay on the books, you do so by the leave of the firm and its boss i.e. The Queen. The contract is for life. If not, you resign. There is no half in and half out. This seems to have been the gist of the family only summit at Sandringham in January 2020, with media attention worthy of the Treaty of Versailles.

I am frankly surprised how worked up people are about this. Cut out the white noise and the picture is more prosaic.

The first point is that when all is said and done, none of this drama really matters. Politically, constitutionally, it is an irrelevance. Harry, at number six, is not seriously in line to the throne. The British monarchy has long shown itself immune to crisis; indeed I wonder sometimes if it welcomes crises as implying continued importance. The divorce and death of Princess Diana were awfully tragic, as was the very public shaming of Prince Andrew and his questionable friendship with billionaire paedophile Jeffrey Epstein. But how Harry leads his life is between himself, his wife and his father, Prince Charles. That is the point of heredity. It is immune to character, as it is to merit.

The second point is we should remember that other European royal families, of the same constitutional status as Britain, have been down sizing for many years now. These royal families balanced privacy and discretion whilst holding down ordinary professions. The King of the Netherlands, Willem-Alexander, is still an airline pilot. He occasionally flies KLM jets, safe in the knowledge that few people recognise him. In 2001 Prince Haakon, heir to the Norwegian throne, married a single mother with a drug-fuelled past. Despite some controversy, he survived incognito. 

The King of Sweden, Carl XVI Gustaf, has reigned for 46 inconspicuous years as a nine-to-five job, his family merged into the Swedish bourgeoisie. The Crown Princess, Victoria, works intermittently for the UN. The King of Spain, Felipe VI, may have taken after his philandering father, Juan Carlos, but he became king without fuss on his father’s retirement in 2014. None of these “houses” has an extended state-subsidised royal family. None has grown unstable as a result.

There is no doubt that the exploitation of the British royal family celebrity by palace courtiers as PR handlers has worked. The royal family recognises that truth for itself when HRH King George VI famously quipped, “We are not a family, we are a firm”. The Queen is regularly cited as central to “UK plc” and to tourism. The British people remain overwhelmingly in favour of retaining monarchy as the focus of their patriotism, even during the wobble over Diana’s death. Republicanism is dead. The last ostentatious republican, the Fife MP Willie Hamilton, left parliament in 1987. If Scotland ever went independent it would almost certainly retain the Queen as head of state.

As for how royalty behaves, a constitutional monarchy should be beyond all controversy. As the great political and constitutional commentator (and founder of the Economist magazine) Walter Bagehot put it, “the monarch should be a dignified rather than efficient element of the constitution”. In other words, the monarchy as personified in its reigning king or queen can represent the whole nation in an emotionally satisfying way - everything else is but pure embellishment.

The Queen must be a glorious anthropomorphism of the nation as a whole. If she has opinions, she keeps them to herself - much to her credit. The contrast is clear with countries where state headship is combined with an elected executive presidency. The state risks being tainted by partisanship: witness the embarrassment many Americans feel at having their national loyalty identified with any president based on divided partisan feelings e.g. from FDR to Obama and Nixon to Trump.

A rare occasion when the monarch might overstep the mark was conjectured by Mike Bartlett in his ingenious play, King Charles III, in 2014. It was based on the present Prince of Wales as king, refusing formally to sign a bill censoring the press (good on him). In the resulting crisis, William and Kate engineer Charles’s abdication, while the tearaway Harry takes up with a republican girlfriend. It was not wholly implausible. When Belgium faced a similar crisis over King Baudouin’s refusal to sign an abortion bill in 1990, he was allowed to abdicate for a day.

How the monarchy conducts itself is not wholly irrelevant. It is part of the collective context in which the nation’s politics are enacted. It represents tradition and upholds precedent. It sets boundaries and dictates a courtesy in the conduct of public affairs - however often that courtesy is infringed. What outsiders forget (especially our American friends) is that the British political system is gloriously resilient, as the past three years of Brexit hell have shown. It can tolerate the odd eccentricity, such as the blatant purchase of parliamentary seats in the House of Lords. But the question is how far such eccentricity can extend. 

The present heir to the throne, Prince Charles, is deft at stepping mildly out of line. His views on architecture, health and the environment are not overtly partisan. But it does not matter as he is no more “powerful” than a newspaper or television commentator. His influence is that of celebrity. I would rather have the heir to throne engage intelligently in public debate than arrogantly indulge in the sordid sexual antics of his younger brother, Andrew.

For all his perceived faults, Prince Charles knows his limits. To expect such controlled nuances in the constitutional mystique of royalty to apply to an ever larger family has always been an accident waiting to happen. More prescient is the fact that the current system will impose the same disciplines and direct the same public exposure on an ever widening array of royal offspring as the years go by. I feel genuine sympathy for the royal children. Most British minors have their faces blanked out on camera, but not royal ones. They are sentenced to be recognised for life.

As a nation then we are extremely fortunate that Prince Harry is no more militant than in defence of the planet, wild animals and injured military veterans - all worthy causes if we are honest to admit it. Full disclosure: as an ex-veteran, I do give charitable donations to Invictus Games Foundation, the multi-sports event put on for wounded, injured or sick armed services personnel and their associated veterans. Prince Harry was instrumental in founding the Invictus Games in 2014 on his own initiative so that we never forget the courage and sacrifice of our military veterans.

What is already clear is that the Sussexes intend forthwith to redraw the lines of engagement with the press. They are opting out of the Royal Rota, the arrangement whereby, for decades, the royals have given access to a pool reporter from the national papers; instead, they will invite coverage from personally selected media outlets and will use their own social-media accounts, especially Instagram, to communicate directly with the public. Having railed against the media’s commodification of his wife, Prince Harry now seems prepared to take its commodification into his own hands: it was reported in January 2020 that he and the Duchess have lately submitted a trademark application for hundreds of items, from clothing to printed items, that may be issued with the couple’s personal brand, Sussex Royal.

This step is unfortunate and unedifying. To my mind, Sussex is a title, not a brand name. It is no more Harry and Meghan’s to exploit than Buckingham Palace is the Queen’s to sell off. Even if they distance themselves from the monarchy by being financially independent (as well as disowning their titles) by pursuing other commercial opportunities it only takes one scandal - e.g. a goods with their brand made from sweat shop labour or some other unforeseen PR disaster - to reflect badly on the Queen and the British monarchy solely because of Harry’s proximity to the throne. Harry may not be a Prince but he is a Windsor.

We are back to Bagehot again. For it was he who argued that the constitution was divided into two branches. The monarchy represents the “dignified” branch. Its job is to symbolise the state through pomp and ceremony. The government -Parliament, the cabinet and the civil service - represents the “efficient” branch. Its job is to run the country by passing laws and providing public services. The dignified branch governs through poetry, and the efficient branch through prose. The monarchy certainly doesn’t govern through commercial exploitation of its brand as an end in itself.

Today, the dignified branch is trying to adapt to an age of populism and until recently it’s been doing a much better job than the efficient branch. But the monarchy must never lower itself to the lowest common denominator to satisfy the base instincts of populism. As Bagehot aptly said, “An element of exaggeration clings to the popular judgment: great vices are made greater, great virtues greater also; interesting incidents are made more interesting, softer legends more soft.”

A family spat of no public importance is obsessing the nation and the world. Everyone should sit down and have a nice relaxing cup of tea.

[gokul2181]

Lewis Hamilton: 'Not bad for a boy from a council estate' | Racing News

New Post has been published on https://jordarnews.in/lewis-hamilton-not-bad-for-a-boy-from-a-council-estate-racing-news/

Lewis Hamilton: 'Not bad for a boy from a council estate' | Racing News

PORTIMAO (Portugal): Lewis Hamilton cemented his position as one of Formula One‘s true greats when the six-time world champion claimed a record 92nd race win on Sunday, another staggering achievement “for a boy from a council house”. His victory at the Algarve International Circuit allowed him to pass the previous best mark set by seven-time world champion Michael Schumacher. The son of a black father and a white mother, who survived a broken home in his youth, Hamilton, 35, grew up on a municipal housing estate where his father Anthony at one time held down three jobs to fund his son’s embryonic racing career in karts.

His journey was unprivileged and without luxury, but it was clear from an early age that he had an outstanding gift for speed and all the gutsy natural instincts of a born racer. In 1995, aged 10, and wearing a jacket and shoes borrowed from his predecessor as British Formula Cadet karting champion, he went to a glittering awards ceremony in London where he met McLaren‘s then-boss Ron Dennis. He asked for an autograph and told him “one day I want to race for you”. Dennis replied: “Phone me in nine years and I’ll sort you a deal.” Bold, determined and individual, he almost won the title in his first record-breaking season as he reeled off nine successive podiums from his debut in Melbourne, rocking the establishment along the way with his speed and his style. On and off the track, he was fast, somewhat mercurial and occasionally tempestuous and this combination led to a fierce rivalry with team-mate and two-time champion Fernando Alonso at McLaren. That was a signal of how tough it was to be for all his future team-mates as Hamilton, who narrowly missed out on the 2007 title, returned to triumph in 2008 with a dramatic last-gasp fifth-place finish in Brazil. He also showed frustration as McLaren failed to deliver the speed to beat Sebastian Vettel and Red Bull, who reeled off four straight title triumphs from 2010 to 2013, by when Hamilton had departed for Mercedes. Escaping the management regime of Dennis and his father, Hamilton found freedom at Mercedes alongside team-mate Nico Rosberg, his teenage karting friend and rival. This enabled Hamilton to express himself with a headline-grabbing trans-Atlantic lifestyle, mixing with musicians and ‘fashionistas’. He showed little love for any duty to obey conventions and, for many observers, gave his sport a welcome injection of freshness and diversity as champion again in 2014 and 2015. Rosberg broke Hamilton’s sequence of supremacy in 2016 and then retired, leaving the Englishman to dominate. His former McLaren team-mate Jenson Button summed up Hamilton’s pure speed when he said: “For me, over one lap, I don’t think there is anyone as quick as Lewis and I don’t think there ever has been.” That speed, which has always been a natural talent, has in recent seasons been allied to a more mature attitude to his job as team leader. Mercedes team chief Toto Wolff once summed up: “He is never satisfied. He never settles. He is never happy with where he is as a racing driver and a human being.” Having achieved so much as his sport’s best-known ambassador, Hamilton’s interest in social issues has emerged more frequently. Last season, he posted his concerns for the environment and revealed a fleeting despair at the state of the world when he used Instagram to declare that the planet was “a messed-up place” and he felt he wanted “to give up”. That commentary, including revelations about his vegan lifestyle, led to him being accused of hypocrisy. “I’m only human,” he said. “Like everyone, we have up and down days. That’s what I’ve been really trying to convey.” This year has seen him press for greater diversity in the paddock, a push sparked by his vocal support for the Black Lives Matter movement. His own career and his quest for self-expression and freedom has shaped his advice for young drivers. “What I can definitely advise any kid that’s out there trying to race is don’t listen to people who tell you that you need a mental coach or you need someone to help control your mind,” he said. “You need to let it run wild and free and discover yourself. It is all about discovery. And only you can do it.” When Hamilton wrapped up his sixth world title in Texas last year, his father Anthony summed up his son’s achievement: “It’s absolutely amazing and not bad for a boy from a Stevenage council house.”

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[tisthenightofthewitch]

Ghost’s Tobias Forge talks about being sued by Nameless Ghouls, spurned by the Vatican and immortalized in plastic effigy

When it comes to Swedish bands, Americans tend to think of pop icons like ABBA, black metal acts like Bathory, or the odd alt-rock band like The Cardigans, after which we stop thinking about them at all.But that was before the band Ghost began its slow yet inevitable ascent. Hailing from Linköping, a city in Sweden known for its ornate cathedrals, the bandmembers concealed their secret identities beneath elaborate costumery, a time-tested tradition fostered by bands like Kiss and The Residents. 

Occupying centerstage was Papa Emeritus, a skull-faced character fond of ghoulish corpse paint, a high-pointed hat and ornate papal vestments decorated with upside-down crosses. Standing stock-still at the microphone, his face frozen in a miserable scowl, the singer appeared, for all intents and purposes, to be hovering at death’s door or just beyond it. His bandmates, unceremoniously referred to as “Nameless Ghouls,” wore hooded robes and black masks, a look that soon began showing up at European cosplay conventions.

While this combination of corpse-paint, national origin and grinding guitar riffs led some critics to liken their sound to Swedish death metal, the keyboard-heavy liturgical vibe of Ghost’s early music arguably owed more to classic Pink Floyd.

That’s especially true of “Secular Haze,” the breakthrough single from their 2013 sophomore album Infestissumam. Following its release, the band put out the Dave Grohl-produced If You Have Ghost, a five-song covers EP that includes the Roky Erickson song of the same name, as well as renditions of Depeche Mode’s “Waiting for the Night” and, appropriately enough, ABBA’s “Like a Marionette.”

But 2013 also had its share of disappointments, including the ascension of Pope Francis, who was elected on the fifth ballot, thwarting Papa’s hard-fought and highly publicized campaign for the position.

The rest is history, of a sort. Following a series of European dates with Metallica, Ghost are now embarking on an arena tour of their own that will include an Oct. 1 concert headlining the Broadmoor World Arena. Their single “Cirice” won the 2016 Grammy Award for Best Metal Performance, while their most recent album Prequelle and its single “Rats” were respectively nominated in this year’s Best Rock Album and Best Rock Song categories.

Along the way, the band has gone through a succession of Pope characters —  Papa Emeritus I, Papa Emeritus II, and Papa Emeritus III — who have since been replaced by the far more kinetic Cardinal Copia, who has more of a mafioso image and hyperactive stage presence. All four frontman roles have been played by Tobias Forge, whose identity was outed two years ago when four former Nameless Ghouls filed a since-dismissed lawsuit alleging unpaid wages.

Ghost have also undertaken a series of musical transitions that became especially obvious with last year’s Prequelle, a concept album that employs the 14th-century black plague as an allegory for our current troubles. While Forge hasn’t fully abandoned his band’s past sound, tracks like “Rats” veer toward the ’70s arena-rock sound of Def Leppard, Foreigner, and even Journey, with whom the band toured last year.

In the following interview, Forge holds forth on a wide array of subjects, including litigious ex-Ghouls, the Swedish anti-vaccine movement and his alter-ego’s forthcoming immortalization — alongside legendary artists like Prince and Jean-Michel Basquiat — as a Funko Pop! figurine.

Indy: Let’s begin by talking about the concept behind your most recent album. It opens with that really creepy version of “Ring Around the Rosie, ” which is always a good way to start an album about the bubonic plague. Was there any specific reason why you chose that theme at this particular point in history?

Tobias Forge: Well, I think there are important lessons to be learned from all chapters of history. The plague was an epidemic that wiped out half of Europe, and, we can assume, traumatized the Asian population as well. And back then, people in general were uneducated, they were superstitious, they were religious, they believed in hocus-pocus. So it must have literally felt like the end of the world was just going to happen tomorrow. And that is always an interesting concept. Because we know now that it was not the end of the world. You know, mankind persevered. So while I believe in environmental issues, and that there are a lot of things that can be done in order to make the world a better place, I also think there’s not as much doom and gloom as it may appear.

So what would you say are the lessons we can learn from that period?

I guess the most simple and most obvious one is that we can debate forever — all day and night — about what happens after we’re dead. But I can promise you that we do not know. We can hope for there to be an afterlife, or 72 virgins, or whatever else is on your wishlist. But there’s no way of knowing. And anyone who tells you that they know, they are lying because they want something from you, or they want you to believe in something. And so I think your time and your energy will be better spent trying to embrace life instead of being wary of death. Because life is fragile, and you don’t know if you’ll have another one.

And then there’s this myriad of human instincts that comes into play when apocalypse is near, and one of them is who’s to blame for this, that, and the other. Back in the plague days, as I said, there was this predominance of religious people who believed in hocus-pocus and were pretty uneducated and pretty fucking dumb. They believed that female sexuality was to blame for essentially God abandoning mankind. So while you had people dying off in droves, you also had these people killing women because they were good-looking or, in one way or another, enticed some sort of sexual arousal. And that was obviously the work of the devil, and while they were alive, they would interfere with the survival of mankind. But unfortunately, those kind of very uneducated and outright stupid people are still well-represented in the world, and it’s very important that we address that.

Since you’ve researched and written about all this, I’m curious what you think about your country’s decision, back in March, to ban mandatory vaccinations.

Oh, that’s a good question, but I don’t really have a good answer. But I do think that there is a dichotomy between what the population might need, and what a pharmaceutical company needs for its own benefit. I’m trying not to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but about 10 years ago, there was an outbreak of a flu, and companies would have entire offices vaccinated. And, on first glance, it’s like, “That’s great how society and all these bosses and corporations came together.” And I’m aware that the number of people that actually came down with it was not that many. So was that because of this shot, or was it because maybe the threat wasn’t as great as they were saying it was? Because, more often than not, there’s an economic incentive somewhere for someone. But not being a biologist nor a chemist, I don’t know anything about stuff like that. So, as I said, I don’t have a straight answer.

On a happier note, Funko’s Papa Emeritus II doll came out last month…

Yes, speaking of monetaries. [Laughs.]

That’s right. And I have to say, I’m really impressed by how realistic it is, especially in the way it just stands there and doesn’t do anything. How does it feel to be immortalized in that way?

I don’t really see it as that. I mean, when I sort of regard anything that we have done, even a photo, I don’t necessarily think of it as me being in that photo. I’m just sort of detached from the character on the visual side, which is to my benefit, actually. I’m way too vain, so I would have had a problem if it was my face that we were working with. So having the sort of official visuals of Ghost is actually quite liberating.

I understand that you started out playing in punk and death metal bands. Was Ghost the first time that you got to indulge your pre-The Wall Pink Floyd side?

No, I have played non-death metal in other bands before. But when Ghost started taking shape, I think I just found a way to write songs that sort of tick both boxes — one box being melodic pop-rock, or whatever it is, and the other being sort of metal. It felt playful, and it felt intuitive and progressive, for lack of a more fitting word. Whereas in the past, it’s like the metal bands were metal, and the rock bands were rock, and they didn’t combine the two. So I definitely found it more effective, and way more fun, to do something in between. Your stage presence is way more kinetic these days, although pretty much anything is more kinetic than standing in front of a microphone and scaring people. But you’re reaching the point now where the choreography in a video like “Rats” is borderline Michael Jackson. Is that the result of having more personal confidence these days?

Yeah, I would definitely say that. There are critics of the band who feel that the less animated version in the beginning was better and more ominous, and that we should still be embracing that. But a lot of the cryptic nature of Papa I was due to being constrained by the costume and the size of the stage.

And now we’re playing bigger places, where there’s way more ground to cover and there isn’t a single cord onstage that you can trip on, so of course you have to move around, right? I mean, if we were onstage now for two hours with that sort of unanimated version we were doing back in 2011, people would be demanding their money back. It’s just part of growing. You can see the same thing if you look at a clip of the Rolling Stones from 1964. Mick Jagger is Mick Jagger, but he’s definitely not the Mick Jagger that you see in 1969 or 1972. It takes time to build that confidence and find your own way of moving around.

I know you campaigned really hard for the pope’s job back in 2013. And I think a lot of your fans were really disappointed when the smoke came up the chimney and it turned out you didn’t get it. Do you think that your losing out to Pope Francis was the result of Vatican corruption?

Sure, most things going on there are because of corruption anyway. So I’m sure that was one of them. Or it might also have been my lack of faith — or my lack monetary means at the time — that prohibited my exaltation within the ranks of the Vatican.

And finally, I have a question about that lawsuit. Do you think that if you’d given names to your Nameless Ghouls, they would have been less vindictive?

You mean, if I’d given them names instead of making them completely anonymous? Probably, I guess. It’s hard to say. Because with most people that are drawn to the performance stage, you do so with a certain inclination to be seen and appreciated. So maybe if our positions were reversed, I would have felt the same way. Until seven or eight years ago, I really wanted to be famous, so my idea of being in a band was definitely different from what it turned out to be.

I’ve been in charge and working on this full-time, nonstop, for 10 years. Other people in Ghost would work a few hours every day, and then, during the four months between tours when I was making a record, they weren’t really doing anything that had to do with Ghost. And since I was representing the band at all of the meetings, I was getting pats on the back and feeling like what I was doing was good. Whereas, if you had nothing to do with the day-to-day stuff, you maybe didn’t get the pat on the back that you needed in order to feel fulfilled in life. So, you know, maybe if they had gotten their name on there, and could at least be recognized in the street, maybe that would have changed things. But on the other hand, I’ve played with others who didn’t give a shit about that happening.

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[rosemary-morgan]

Arthur Morgan X F.Reader: The shadows of my past - Part 2

Hello dear friends ;) Here comes the second part of “The shadows of my past”

I want to thank everyone, for the likes, reblogs and comments. Thank you very much, dear ones!!! ❤️ ❤️

Please excuse some mistakes. English isn´t my native language

Part 1 / Part 3

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The shadows of my past - Part 2

"Hi, Arthur." "Charles." Arthur gave a friendly smile to the tall man as he sat down beside him by the fire. Charles had seen immediately that Arthur was trapped deep in his thoughts. Which was normal, of course, but in the last few days, Arthur seemed very sad. Between Charles and Arthur, a deep friendship had developed. Charles was a nice person and when Arthur talked to someone about his feelings, then to Charles. "You alright, Charles?" "Sure, but you don´t seem to be doing well. What's wrong with you my friend?" Arthur looked at Charles speechless. His friend missed nothing and Arthur had to sigh softly. He clasped his hands together and looked down. "I, um..." Arthur cleared his throat and looked back at Charles. He waited patiently for a response from the young man. "I met a young woman and her son a few days ago." In itself, it had been a nice encounter and Arthur could think of nothing more than this encounter. But at the same time, it brought back the terrible memory that hurt him so much. For years Arthur had held them back and now they collapsed over him. And Arthur couldn´t handle that. "They were very friendly to me, to a strange man they didn´t know at all and yet they treated me like I was part of their family." Charles smiled when he heard that. "Well, that's a good thing, Arthur! But it's not what makes you so sad, is it?" Again Arthur sighed and he looked into the crackling fire. He had to swallow hard and he was silent for a moment. "This boy... he reminds me of my son Isaac..." Charles looked at Arthur and he was very confused. He didn´t know that Arthur had a son. Charles was speechless and he didn´t dare to ask what that meant. So the young man waited for Arthur's words. "I once had a family Charles..."

When Arthur met his eyes, Charles had to swallow hard. He had never seen Arthur so sad and hurt before. He clearly sees in the eyes of this man how badly hurt his soul was. There had to be a painful story behind his words. "But I wasn´t there for them and I didn´t care enough about Isaac and his mother. I... failed, Charles." The first tears burned in Arthur's eyes and he gasped hard. "I... couldn´t save them. They were murdered, Charles! For a few bucks... for a few dollars, goddamnit!" Arthur buried his face in his hands and Charles now understood why Arthur had retired so much in the last few days. Charles would never understand the pain Arthur was going through. A heavy burden was on Arthur's shoulders, and with that guilt, he bore it was even harder for him. "I can´t forget Isaac! In the last few days, I've seen his face clearly in front of me!" Arthur looked at his friend. He just listened to him and didn´t interrupt Arthur in the word. "I can hear him laughing, Charles..." It's a blessing and a curse at the same time. "I hear him laughing and I hear him call me daddy!" Arthur looked again at the dancing flames in front of him. "They didn´t deserve this fate. Neither Isaac nor Eliza. They had both been so young, damn it!" Over and over again Arthur asked himself why that had happened. It should have happened to him! "I should lie in their place under the earth, Charles." His beautiful eyes gazed with pain at Charles. "Not Eliza and not Isaac... for me, Charles." Never before had Charles seen his friend so desperate and he was very sorry. The encounter with this young woman and her son, of whom Arthur told him, was probably the trigger for his hidden memories.

"It was her fate, Arthur. You can´t blame yourself for that. We can´t decide our fate, Arthur.", Charles said calmly. "That happened because of me and they paid for my bad deeds!" "Arthur, you are too hard on yourself! You aren´t a bad person." But Arthur could only laugh mockingly at Charles's words. Arthur didn´t think he was a good person, but that's what Charles believed. He hadn´t known Arthur for very long, but he had a good knowledge of human nature, and he didn´t trust anyone else as much as he trusted Arthur. "You don´t know me, Charles! I've done many things in my life that I'm not proud of!" "And that's the point, Arthur! You're regretting it and it shows that a good soul is sleeping in you." Arthur sighed heavily and got up from his seat. Why did Charles say something like that to him? He had no idea of the things Arthur had done. So how could he say with such assurance that there was a good soul in him? "Excuse me, Charles! But I have to be alone now." Arthur rose from his seat and started to leave, but Charles wanted to give him one last piece of advice. "Arthur..." Arthur stopped and looked at Charles. "Don´t lose your luck, Arthur. We weren´t just born to suffer. Never forget that." Arthur didn´t answer but went to his brown Arab. He had to get out of the camp. Lately, the atmosphere in this camp was more than shitty. But Charles's last words would stay in Arthur's mind for a long time...

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"Well done, Joseph! You see? Reading is fun!" Joseph looked at the pictures in his book and read the headlines. You were very proud of your son and it seems to be fun for him to take a closer look at his books. Joseph liked animal books and fables the most. "Would you like to play in the garden for a bit, darling? You have learned enough for today!" "Are you going to play with me, mummy?" "Of course, darling." Together with your son you rose from the dining table and go out of the house. When you suddenly saw two strange men riding to your house, you stopped Joseph from going into the garden. You didn´t like these men at all, because you felt that they weren´t good people. You pushed your son back into the house. "Darling, please go to your room and wait until I come!" "What is it, mummy? Who are these men?" "Do what I tell you and be a good boy! I'll be right back with you." You look after Joseph and when he disappeared into his room, you took the revolver to you, which you keep well hidden. You hoped that you didn´t have to use it, but you had to protect yourself and your son. You went to the door again and look very sternly at the men who stopped in front of your house. They grinned at you and you immediately realized that this wasn´t a friendly visit. "Ma'am!" One of the men tipped his hat to greet you, while the other one, eyed you with his lustful gaze. You could feel him undressing you with his eyes. "Who are you?! Go away!" "We don´t want any trouble! My name is Elkanah Jones and this is my friend Sam Green." "I don´t care who you are! Away with you!" The two men laughed because they didn´t take you seriously. The man, Elkanah Jones, got off his horse and you're already reaching for your revolver. "Are you always so rude with guests?" "Guests? Tell me what you want from me or go away! " "You've got a pretty loose mouth, sweet pie!", said Sam Green and you scowled at the dark-haired man. "Mr. Green! Where are your manners? So Miss Main!" You swallow hard and your heart started to beat like crazy. How did these men know your name? You never see them before. "You have a nice house and we want to buy it." "I'm sorry, but this house is not for sale!" Especially since you couldn´t possibly afford a new purchase. This house was everything you have and you certainly wouldn´t sell it. "Oh, well, I'm afraid you have no choice, Missy!", said Sam Green and then Elkanah gave him a warning look. He should just keep out of business because Sam Green had no idea about that. "What my friend means is that we'll make you a good offer, well let's say our boss makes you an offer." "Who's your boss ?! You can tell him that I'm not ready to sell this house!" But Elkanah just laughed softly and walked up to you. He stopped in front of the steps to your house and handed you a note. You take this hesitantly and you could feel that this whole thing didn´t mean anything good. Your stomach contracted painfully because you were very nervous. As you unfolded the note, there was a numeral in it and you thought it was a joke. A very bad joke.

Incredulous, you looked at the man in front of you. "That's a joke, isn´t it?" For such a small offer you should sell your house? And why your house? It was small and old. Insignificant. It had to be a joke! "I'm afraid that's no joke, Miss Main!" Elkanah said. "And this offer is for a short time, either you accept it or we'll just take your house away. Quite simple! " It was enough! You pick up your revolver and Elkanah instinctively took a few steps back, but his smile of self-satisfaction didn´t disappear from his face. "You should think carefully about what you want to do, Missy!" "This house will remain in my possession!", you said and scowled at the men. You threaten them with your revolver. "And now leave this place! RIGHT NOW!" Elkanah nodded goodbye to you before leaving your estate with his friend Sam Green. You had to sigh heavily and you were glad that those horrible men had left you alone.

Throughout the day, you thought about who these men are and why they wanted to take your house away from you. The offer you received from them was very miserable. It was impossible for you to build a new home. You would end up on the street with your son and you didn´t want to do that to Joseph. And not to yourself either. You were very nervous but fortunately, Joseph didn´t notice. He was too busy with admiring his new book. "Do you like your new book, Joseph?" You asked when you were about to water the plants in your living room. "Yes!" You smiled and then sigh softly because as much as you tried, you can´t forget these men. You had to admit that you are afraid of them. When it suddenly knocked on the door, your heart almost stopped. You swallow hard and panic was in your face. But you couldn´t look so fast as Joseph ran to the door and opened it. "Joseph! Stop!" But to your relief and surprise, Arthur stood at the door. And you were damned relieved that it was him. "Arthur!" Joseph was very happy about Arthur's surprise visit. Arthur gave the boy a friendly smile and stroked his head. "Hey, Joseph." Arthur had thought a lot. About you and Joseph. He felt a certain attraction and he couldn´t help but think about you all the time. You and your son were always in his thoughts and Arthur would be lying if he said he didn´t want to see you. As much as his memories of Isaac hurt him, neither you nor Joseph was to blame for his past. Arthur knew that you had to be as lonely as he is and Joseph didn´t have a father. He felt a connection to you and therefore he hadn´t managed to stay away from you.

"Arthur, that's a surprise.", you said and Arthur saw that you were pretty tense. "Hello Y/N! I hope I don´t disturb you?" "Of course not! Come in, Arthur!" You were very happy about his surprise visit. Arthur entered your home and Joseph was immediately at his side and he proudly showed him his new book. "Look, Arthur! Mummy gave this to me yesterday!" "Oh, let me see." Arthur took the book and looked at the colorful pictures and he looked down at Joseph with a smile. "Look, Arthur! There the cat and the dog!" Joseph took  Arthur by the hand and he led him to the couch. He enthusiastically showed the young man his favorite pictures in the book and told him the story behind the illustrations. You had to laugh softly and when you looked at Arthur, his beautiful eyes met yours and you smiled at him. You brought Arthur a glass of cool water, with a slice of lemon inside. "Thank you, Y/N!" That was exactly what Arthur needed right now. The temperatures were unbearable again today. It was very hot outside. "How are you Arthur?", you asked and you sat down in a chair opposite him. "I'm fine, Y/N, thanks! I hope you're okay too?" You nod and smiled. You didn´t tell Arthur about the two men who threatened you a few hours ago. You didn´t want to do that before Joseph either. Especially since you didn´t want to burden Arthur with your problems. For three years you have been fighting your way through life alone and you had always found a way out of awful situations. That's what you would do this time again. "I was in Strawberry and wanted to visit you. I hope that's okay?" You had to smile. He was very polite and you liked that. You put a lot of value on that. "Of course, Arthur! You're always welcome. If you want, we can take a little walk?" "Sure, why not!" You would like some company, and especially Arthurs. He had a charming nature and you felt very comfortable around him. And Arthur needed some time off from the daily stress at the camp.

Since this day, much changed in Arthur's heart. He spent a lot of time with you and with your son Joseph. The pain he had felt at first was barely left, and Arthur had to admit that he really enjoyed spending his time with the two of you. It made him happy to be with you and he would like to know more about you. But Arthur felt that you were hiding something deep inside of you and you're not telling much about yourself either. Well, that was alright, of course, because he also had many secrets that he didn´t want to tell.

You came home from a walk and Joseph had fallen asleep on Arthur's shoulders. He had carried Jospeh on his back because he was so tired and then fell asleep. The warm weather had exhausted the little guy very much. You had also been fishing and Jospeh had enjoyed catching fish with Arthur. You carried the bucket with you, where the fish lay. You had a good catch. "I can´t wait to eat the fish!", you said and Arthur looks at you smiling. "We made a good catch", he replied. When you got home, you put down the bucket and went to Arthur to take Jospeh in your arms. It was time for his afternoon nap. "Mhmhm..." Joseph grunted softly as you pulled him into your arms, but quickly he cuddled up to you and you kissed him on his head. "Come on, my darling, I'll bring you to bed." Arthur followed you when you brought Joseph into the house and he had to smile. He had missed so much in his life. Many important things that were significant in this world. Like a family, and maybe Charles had been right. Maybe life has something good for someone like him. But this fateful encounter with you and Joseph also worried him... Arthur brought the bucket into the house and set it down in the kitchen. He started cleaning the fish and taking it out. It was so quiet around him. The only thing he could hear was the ticking of the clock which hanging on the wall and it was so reassuring. His beautiful eyes peered out the window and he saw this beautiful nature that had always enchanted him. He felt like a normal man, living a normal and honest life. Arthur sighed softly and looked down at the fish he had just gutted. It was crazy and he had to laugh softly. A few days ago you came into his life and he spent the most beautiful hours with you and Joseph and he was really happy for the first time in years. Arthur was so deep in his thoughts that he accidentally cut himself in the palm of his hand. "Ouch! Sh..hit!" You have just come into the kitchen and see Arthur holding a clean towel to his bleeding hand. "Arthur, did you hurt yourself?" "Oh, that's not so bad", he said. When you went to him and carefully pulled his hand to you, you can see that the cut was pretty deep. "Oh... that's very deep", you said softly, looking up at him with concern. Arthur chuckled and blushed a little. He thought it was cute, that you are worried about him. "Come, I'll clean it up", you said and Arthur let you bring him to the table "I'll be right back with you", you said, leaving him for a moment to get some bandages.

When you came back to the kitchen, you had to smile, because Arthur had already started to clean the fish and you found that very nice of him. You took a chair and sat down in front of Arthur, gently reaching for his wrist, and Arthur looked at your tender hands. He said nothing, but let you do your job. You first cleanse his wound and when the alcohol was used, Arthur had to draw a sharp breath. That was very uncomfortable. "I'm sorry", you said softly and carefully press the alcohol-soaked kitchen towel onto his gash. "Does this have to be stitch?" Arthur asked but you shook your head. Now that all the blood was wiped away, you could better see the wound and the cut wasn´t too deep. "No, it doesn´t have to." And Arthur was happy with that. You were very careful with him and Arthur had to smile about that. "You know, Y/N, I'm not fragile." You blushed and stroked a long strand of hair behind your ear, smiling. "I don´t want to hurt you unnecessarily, Arthur", you said softly and looked up at him. The attractive man swallowed lightly. It felt good... your words felt damn good. They were like medicine for his broken soul and he watched you until you finished your work, and his hand was wrapped in a clean bandage. "Thanks, Y/N", said Arthur, gently reaching for your wrist as you rose from your seat. He looked up at you and he gave you a gentle smile. You felt his touch make your heart beat faster because it was a pleasant feeling. "Nothing to thank for, Arthur."

¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨) (`’·.¸(`’·.¸  ¸.·’´) ¸.·’´)  (¨*•.¸ (¨*•.¸`•.¸

"So many stars... I often wonder if there's anything else up there", you whispered. You're sitting on the terrace with Arthur watching the starry sky with him. It was very late and Joseph was already sleeping. You had eaten for dinner the fish that Arthur had caught with Joseph and now you enjoyed this beautiful evening together with Arthur. It was quiet around you. Sometimes the howling of a wolf was heard, but that didn´t bother you. You had a blanket around your and Arthur's body and you leaned carefully against him. Arthur felt very good, but he was also very nervous. It has been a long time since he was so close to a woman and you were a very special person. You were charming, beautiful and a loving mother. And you also feel very comfortable with Arthur's side. He was a charming guy and he was very attractive. Joseph had already lost his heart to this cowboy and you had it too... Arthur made you forget all your worries, but the disaster wasn´t far from away from you... "Who knows." "My father always used to tell me that the stars in the sky are angels, that our loved ones up there see us and watch over us.", you said quietly and you liked that idea. It was reassuring to know that deceased friends and relatives will remain forever in this world. When Arthur heard that, he had to swallow hard because he immediately had to think of his son Isaac. "Do you believe that, Y/N?" "I don´t know, Arthur... but it's a nice idea." You turned your face to him and you looked into his beautiful face, which was dimly lit by the lantern you had placed on the table in front of you. When you realize how sad and hurt he suddenly was, you looked at him worried. "I don´t believe in it, Y/N. That's... ridiculous! Such fairy tales. That's stupid when you believe in something like that!" When Arthur said that, your words stuck in your throat. Was he just making fun of you? You looked at him very confused because you didn´t know this side of him and that sentence hurt you very much. And Arthur immediately realized what he had just said. He closed his eyes with a sigh and apologized softly to you. You leaned on the other side of the bench and looked sadly at your lap.

"I- I'm sorry, Y/N, I´m an idiot!" Arthur rose from his seat and looked down at you, but you didn´t pay any attention to him. He closed his eyes again and ran his hand through his blond hair. "I... I should go now... Goodnight, Y/N." "No, it´s okay, Arthur.", you said softly and looked up at him. "I'm not angry with you." "But you should", Arthur said and sat down next to you. It was pretty quiet between you and the mood was depressing. "It's just... it´s..." Arthur stuttered. He didn´t know what to say or how to say it. "I´m very sensitive to this subject, Y/N. I once had a son... His name was Isaac, he died..." When you heard that, you looked at him shocked. You couldn´t stop tears from burning in your eyes. "His mother and he... they were murdered Y/N." His eyes looked at you with infinite pain and your tears ran down your face. You placed your hand over your mouth to prevent a loud sob. "Oh, my God Arthur... I'm so sorry..." Suddenly there was a loud clap of thunder in the night sky and a big flash of light could be seen. A big storm would start, the wind suddenly became very strong, causing the windows of the house to shake. "I should go, Y/N." "Arthur, that's too dangerous! You should stay here and wait for the storm to pass!" You didn´t want anything to happen to Arthur. It was a long way to Shady Bells. "You're probably right." Together with Arthur, you go into your house and you closed the door. You still couldn´t believe what Arthur had just told you. He once had a family, which was then murdered. It felt so awful for you to know that. How much did this man have to suffer? You had seen something in him from the beginning and his words confirmed your concerns. He was deeply hurt inside and you were so sorry for what life had done to him.

Neither of you said anything. You were both deep in thought and you couldn´t stop crying. While you pulled some blankets and a pillow for Arthur out of your closet, salty tears ran down your face. Arthur was sitting on the couch in the living room, staring thoughtfully at the floor. He thought about this whole situation. About you, about Joseph and about the life he lived as an outlaw for twenty years. He once had big dreams. Common dreams with Dutch, Hosea and all who had joined the Van der Linde gang. But so slowly, that dream - Dutch's dream - seems to break down. Like a house of cards... like a damn house of cards! Arthur was very confused and he knew that this would be a long and sleepless night...

to be continued…

[ebaeschnbliah]

SCANDINAVIAN  REFERENCES

________________________________________________________________

In Sherlock BBC - and also a little bit outside of it 

While writing on DISTRACTION & CONSEQUENCES and CABIN ON THE MEADOW, involving Phil with his ‘explosive’ car and the Hiker with the bashed-in head, I couldn’t fail to notice that Phil’s unmoving car is a SAAB … which is a Swedish brand. 

According to the informations given during the promotion campaingn for the Escapre Room, TheGameIsNow, Sherlock lives currently in Sweden. Since these aren’t the only occasions where Scandinavian regions are mentioned in Sherlock BBC, the suspicion inevitably arose that those references could be of some importance. Reason enough to make another little list. :)

TBC below the cut ….

Short definition of Scandinavia

The term Scandinavia in local usage covers the three kingdoms of Denmark, Norway, and Sweden. 

In English usage, Scandinavia also sometimes refers to the Scandinavian Peninsula, or to the broader region including Finland and Iceland.  x

A Scandal in Belgravia

As mentioned above, Phil’s immobile car, which ‘explodes’ and thus distracts the Hiker who, as a consequence, is killed by his own boomerang, is of the Swedish brand SAAB. 

The Empty Hearse

Mr. Howard Shilcott, the ‘train guy (and mirror for Sherlock), possesses important informations about the Underground station at Sumatra Road, which once was built but then closed before it ever opened. He wears a ‘funny hat with earflaps’ made of Islandic sheep wool. That hat becomes an object of significance when Sherlock invites his brother to play deductions with him, just like in the old days.

MYCROFT: The earlier patches are extensively sun-bleached, so he’s worn it abroad – in Peru. SHERLOCK: Peru? MYCROFT: This is a chullo – the classic headgear of the Andes. It’s made of alpaca. SHERLOCK: No. MYCROFT: No? SHERLOCK: Icelandic sheep wool. Similar, but very distinctive if you know what you’re looking for. I’ve written a blog on the varying tensile strengths of different natural fibres.

His Last Vow

The main villain of this episode is designed after Doyle’s British character Charles Augustus Milverton. For some reason, in this adaptation, name and origin of the man have been changed into Charles Augustus Magnussen, who is now from Denmark. The fact that he is ‘foreign’ is driven home explicitly right at the beginning of the episode by the dialogue as well as the accent of the man, who is played by Danish actor Lars Mikkelsen.

GARVIE: Do you think it right that a newspaper proprietor, a private individual and, in fact, a foreign national should have such regular access to our Prime Minister? MAGNUSSEN: I don’t think it’s wrong that a private individual should accept an invitation. However, you have my sincere apologies for being foreign.

The Six Thatchers

Mr. Kingsley, a client, thinks that Sherlock’s deductions, once explained, are actually dead simple. Highly annoyed, Sherlock spontaneously invents a ludicrous story and tells the shocked man that his wife is actually Greta Bengtsdotter, Swedish by birth and the most dangerous spy in the world. She secretly works for none other than James Moriarty and uses her unsuspecting husband as cover to hide her true intentions which will finally precipitate in World War III. 

The first location Mary visits on her hiatus is Norddal in Norway. That’s a small place (ca. 1660 inhabitants) deep inside the Storfjord. Here she picks up a fake passport hidden inside the stonewall of a coastal watchtower. Her new name, Gabrielle Ashdown, is taken from TPLOSH, where Holmes chooses the pseudonym ‘Mr. and Mrs. Ashdown’ for himself and Gabrielle Valladon, the woman who consulted him in the case of her missing husband but is actually Ilse von Hofmannsthal, a German spy who pretends to be Mrs. Valladon. 

The Final Problem

One of the very last scenes of this episode shows a man dressed as Viking, including the (cliched) horned helmet. He lies motionless on the floor in the livingroom of 221b Baker Street (played by Paul Weller). John bends over him and examines his left eye. 

Vikings were highly skilled Norse seafarers who raided and pillaged (like pirates) with their infamous longboats (also well known as dragonboats). They acted as mercenaries but also as merchants, who traded goods across wide areas of Europe, North Africa, the Middle East, European Russia and the North Atlantic islands. Some of them even reached the North-Eastern coast of North America. (X)

That Viking is not the only character in this story who ‘wears horns’. Furthermore, cow horns are also connected to the eye-goddess Hathor, whose other, dangerous side is represented by lioness goddess Sekhmet.

The way this Viking lays there … one leg sharply angled at the knee, the foot shoved beneath the other, outstretched leg and both arms straight beside his torso … it’s a bit odd and strangely reminds me of the ‘dancing men’ drawn on the blackboard in the shot displayed immediately before this one. It almost looks like the way this man lies there could have some meaning. 

And something else comes to mind: the way John bends over the Viking stunningly resembles the scene from Magnussen’s office in HLV, when Sherlock got shot by Mary. One could even say, there are three potential ‘pirates’ gathered in Magnusson’s bedroom in that scene ... Sherlock, John and ‘Viking descendent’ Magnussen. Interesting ...

The Game is Now - Escape Room Promotion

With the cliffhanger of The Final Problem in mind and still no official announcement regarding a fifth series on the horizon, one could come to the assumption that the ‘TheGameIsNow- EscapeRoom’ event serves as a sort of interlude and somehow resembles a ‘SherlockBBC-Hiatus’ (hopefully). Isn’t it interesting that here too, Scandinavia seems to play a role?

During the conversation with Mycroft, in the intercepted message Nr 1, Sherlock mentions that he currently is in Sweden. 

During the intercepted message Nr 2 a map of Scandinavia is shown in the background with informations regarding its natural recources: iron ore, copper, zinc, gold, IKEA and uranium. 

Additionally Mycroft confirms a second time where his brother might be found at the moment: ‘Missing, rumoured to be in Sweden’ is written below a picture of Sherlock, kept in black and white, but temporarily overlaid with pink and green  (Study in Pink and Green)

Scandinavian canon reference regarding the ‘hiatus’

In Doyle’s original story The Empty House, Sherlock Holmes tells Dr. Watson after their reunion that, for some time during his hiatus, he had stayed in Norway under a fake identity. 

“You may have read of the remarkable explorations of a Norwegian named Sigerson, but I am sure that it never occurred to you that you were receiving news of your friend.” (ACD, The Empty House)

Using Sherlock’s own words from The Great Game, one could say that, by now, the story told in Sherlock BBC as well as the EscapeRoom event have a …  ‘distinctly Scandinavian feeling about it’.  :)

Some Scandinavian side notes outside Sherlock BBC

Not Sherlock related. Should be taken with caution and humor: 

Radio Times, November 2018:  Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss reveale that Danish actor Claes Bang will be playing Dracula in their new series. ‘Hell has a new boss’ says the headline. Strictly speaking, the boss in Hell is generally considered to be the Devil (maybe also his grandma :) but surely not Dracula, who is after all just a human who desired immortal strength to protect and revenge the ones whom he loved. At least, that’s the story told in ….

Dracula Untold  (2014) -  some quotes:

"One day I will call on you to serve me in an immortal game of revenge … to unleash my wrath against the one who betrayed me."

“This is not a game!”

"Oh, what better way to endure eternity. For this, is the ultimate game. Light versus dark, hope versus despair. And all the world's fate hangs into the balance." 

Vlad Dracula meets his creator         Let the games begin

“You want me to shake hands with you in Hell? I shall not disappoint you.“  (Sherlock at Jim Moriarty, TRF)

How Dracula BBC came into being

“It came about several years ago,” Gatiss said. “We were filming  — we’d just started the third series of Sherlock, where he comes back from the dead, and we had to break off after two days to go to the RTS Awards (March, 2013) and I had a picture on my phone of Benedict silhouetted against the door of Mrs Hudson’s room. I showed it to Ben Stephenson, who was then the Head of Drama [at the BBC], and I said, ‘Looks like Dracula’. And he said, ‘Do you want to do it?'”  (RadioTimes, April 2019)

“We’re gonna go all Dane“

The same article from RadioTimes, contains an interview with Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss. When asked about their upcomming mini-series ‘Dracula’, if there will be more ‘homegrown talents’ among the cast, the producers answered the question in their most familiar way - with lots of laughter and giggling - obviously taking much pleasure in the announcement of their new ‘informations’.

“No, no ..., it’s strictly Dane from now on. We're only casting over Denmark. I don’t think Denmark’s being sufficiently represented and so we’re gonna go all Dane.”  

Strictly Danes …. well, well …. I’m more curious than ever ... and extremely exited!  :))))  

On Scandinavian name-giving tradition

It is a well known custom in Scandinavian regions to create personal names based on the given name of one’s father, grandfather or male ancestor by adding the ending -son/-sen/-søn or -dotter/-dottir/-dattir. This is called a patronymic (while the same method based on the mother’s name is called matronymic). A good example for this in Sherlock BBC is the character Charles Augustus Magnussen …. Magnus-sen = son of Magnus. 

This kind of Scandinavian name-giving tradition is based entirely on first names. Just assuming though, this method would also be applied to last names, then ... a female descendent of someone with the family name ‘Bang’ could be named ... ‘Bangsdotter’. :)))

A last funny detail:  the subtitles for Sherlock BBC, Series 4 (British Edition), display the name of the famous Swedish spy, Sherlock invents in TST, as Greta Bengsdotter. The correct spelling of the first name of Greta’s father (used here as patronymic) isn’t Beng though …. but Bengt.

Bengt (female, Bengta) is the Swedish equivalent of … Benedict.   :)))

As I said above ... to be taken with caution and humor.  :)))))

Thanks @callie-ariane for the scripts.    Related post by @tendergingergirl

Mai 2019

[softjeon]

Love Bite | Pt. 2

• Pairing: Vampire!Namjoon x Jimin • Genre: Angst / Smut | Vampire!AU ( → Gifset Trailer) • Words: 7,5k | Co-Writer: Cat @cassiavioletblue | AO3 • Disclaimer: blood, abuse, (sexual) violence, mindcontrol, mentioning of death

↳   “You’re right. I was lying. I didn’t want to scare you. But I guess there’s not much to do now, right? I’ll tell you the truth,” Namjoon spoke softly, the grip around Jimin’s wrists loosened a little but not enough to free himself, “…because you deserve it, because I pull you into a lot of shit right now just by being here. I am a vampire, Jimin.”

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“He did what?” Taehyung asked loudly, causing a few heads in the office to snap around at the both of them. Jimin shushed him immediately, looking at his co-workers apologetically, before he pulled Taehyung in a little closer. “He escorted me home,” He repeated quietly, “In his car. Alone. Just the two of us.” Taehyung raised his eyebrows, a shocked expression on his face, “You know that sounds awfully like one of those cliché romantic movies? Where the boss…”

“…falls in love with his employee, I know and no!” Jimin said determinately. “This won’t happen! I am just a bit…,” He lowered his voice, “Sex deprived…He was just nice to me and wanted me to come home safely.”

“But he never did that before!”

“And never did it again, so what’s the deal?” Jimin shrugged his shoulders, “It was a one-time thing!” Jimin smiled at Tae and then quickly ushered him to work before the other could think of more ways to make this even harder for him. He didn’t even want to dare to think about what he had done the next day. In the shower. Deeply caught up in his thoughts about his Boss. 

Namjoon.

Jimin groaned desperately, before he shook his head and tried to focus back on the document in front of him. “Work, Jimin, you need to get this work done,” He repeated the words to himself like a mantra. Being completely lost in his work, Jimin startled when a quiet ‘bing’ sound informed him about Namjoon’s appointment and he quickly gathered all the files that his boss needed neatly.

He cleared his throat and straightened his shoulders and only then Jimin stepped into Namjoon’s office with a cheerful ‘Good Morning’.

“Good Morning.” Namjoon looked up only briefly, treating Jimin as if nothing had happened at all. “Are those the files for the upcoming meeting?” He asked before taking them from Jimin and putting them aside. “I’ll look them over and as long as you don’t hear from me again you can consider them perfect.” He grazed Jimin with a quick smile before asking, “Is there anything else you need?”

Jimin quickly shook his head. Nonetheless, he stood there frozen for a second, watching Namjoon as he put the files aside. He noticed immediately that one wasn’t in the right order. Biting his lip, Jimin groaned inwardly (cursing himself and his need for accuracy) and took a step closer, leaning over Namjoon’s desk a little to sort the files a new. As soon as Jimin stepped forward Namjoon leaned back. Outwards his face was the epitome of someone who was busy but relaxed - inwards he was flailing. He was goddamn hungry! Despite him having eaten just this morning. But something must have been wrong with the blood or maybe he needed to up his intake a little because Jimin just smelled delicious. Mouth-watering delicious. And it didn’t help that he looked so soft and pliant and would probably even bare his neck if he kissed him right there at the juncture of his neck where…

“Now it’s perfect,” Jimin said with a blinding smile and turned around again. Namjoon tried to steady his breath but luckily Jimin seemed oblivious anyway. He was out the door before Namjoon could even say thank you. 

Thank god!

The door wasn’t even closed behind him for longer than one second, when Taehyung jumped out from the side, making Jimin startle a little. “What is it now, Taehyungie?” He rolled his eyes, though he wasn’t really annoyed. He had learned to love Taehyung dearly over the past few weeks and it almost was like he knew the other for an eternity already. “It’s not about Mr. Kim this time, but look-,” Taehyung said and shoved the newspaper into Jimin’s hands, making him gasp from the headlines of the daily magazine.

“Another attack? That’s…that’s only a few streets away,” Jimin whispered only for Taehyung to hear, who eagerly nodded his head. “I told you, it’s like this thing is moving,” He said and Jimin remembered when they both had watched some movies at his apartment and how they had talked about the recent attacks. Taehyung was right. Whatever it was that was attacking people was coming closer. Jimin gulped against the lump in his throat.

Namjoon froze when he heard Taehyung’s fearful whisper. There it was. He knew it! Those vampires where just loving the attention. They must know that there was a company that was owned by vampires close to their hunting grounds. They had the whole city but decided to mess around here. So they were either utterly stupid - or just begging for trouble. And considering how efficient they shredded their victims, leaving nothing but horrible messes behind Namjoon was afraid it was the latter.

“You should really stop doing over-hours,” Taehyung said as they both walked back to Jimin’s desk. “Yeah, maybe,” Jimin began, “But I also need to finish this presentation. You know it’s important and I can’t disappoint Mr. Kim. I can get myself a taxi, right?”

Taehyung had only nodded at that, leaving Jimin to his work. The younger had tried to do as much as he could today and even hoped that he would get done early, so that he wouldn’t have to stay late one more night – but of course, fate wasn’t on his side once again.

“Stupid, fucking, thing!” Jimin cursed and slapped the copying machine later that day, “Just give me my stupid papers, please.” He was whining by now. Everyone else had left already, while Jimin was still trying to figure out why there was no paper coming out. He had promised Taehyung to go home as early as he could and before the sun would be down, but now it didn’t seem like he would. “Why!” Jimin whined once more, before he bend over the machine, hiding his face and hitting his head on the plastic shell of the copying machine.

Namjoon was rounding the corner when he stopped short in his tracks, blinking like an owl. Right in front of him there was an impressively noticeable piece of ass. 

Jimin’s ass. 

Presented to him as if he wasn’t already having trouble to get the other’s tasty smell out of his head. He coughed awkwardly and Jimin snapped up like a jack knife, face red and cheeks flushed. Great, more blood in the humans face. Just what he needed while it was getting darker and his inner vampire was starting to wake. If he kept on running into Jimin which resulted in him having to feed himself with blood bags like that he would have to get back to Hoseok tomorrow. Slightly annoyed he looked at Jimin, furrowing his brows, “May I help you with something?”

Namjoon caught him at his absolute worst moment and Jimin felt weirdly exposed. With pursed lips and his cheeks blushed he looked at his boss with big, wide eyes. “Yeah, I can’t…get my papers out. It won’t copy,” Jimin said, sounding as defeated as he felt, “I just need this and then I can head home. I know I am already staying over the time, but…the copying machine and…I am sorry, Mr. Kim.”

He sighed, a faint smile on his lips, “I try better tomorrow.” Facing the machine again, Jimin opened the lid and took out the notes that he had tried to copy all along and arranged them anew.

Namjoon tapped the machine, trying not to stare at Jimin who looked way too good while being flustered. “You know I always find it hard to copy when this thing is in scanner mode. But I’m sure your computer will appreciate the many scans you probably sent to it every time you pressed start.” Amused he watched as Jimin’s cheeks grew even darker and then this guy had the audacity to actually groan, deep and low and desperate in a way that went right to Namjoon’s gut. To his horror he could feel the telltale itch in his upper jaw right before his fangs would start to grow.

“Damn it,” Jimin cursed silently at his own stupidity. He could feel how close Namjoon was, feeling the warmth coming from his tall and lean body and he had to fight the urge to lean back a little and close his eyes. “Concentrate!” Jimin thought to himself, before he kneeled down, getting the papers one by one.

Looking up at Namjoon in his kneeling position, he smiled brightly, “It worked! Thank you so much, Sir….Mr. K…Namjo-, I mean…Mr. Kim.” The heat flushed back in his cheeks and Jimin bit his lip, his eyes flickering back and forth between Namjoon and the papers nervously.

Namjoon gaped right down at Jimin when the younger sank down on his knees fluidly. His fangs started growing, the tips gently poking into his bottom lip. Shit. But how on earth was he supposed to keep it in his pants when Jimin acted as if he was sin personified, dropping down like this as if he was just naturally submissive. It took all his willpower to not just grab Jimin by his neck to pull him up and push him against the wall to the left to sink his fangs into his warm neck and have his sweet, hot blood gushing into his mouth. His words sounded a little slurred in his attempt to keep his mouth as closed as possible to not show his teeth as he hurriedly answered, “It’s fine, don’t mention it.” Then he turned and rushed back to his office. He needed to calm down. NOW. Because there was no way he would let Jimin go out alone looking as delicious as this, practically begging to be bitten.

Jimin’s eyes followed Namjoon’s backside, fixated on the other’s broad shoulders for a second before he shook himself out of his stupor. He quickly got his papers and hurried back to his desk. No more daydreams about his boss. At least that’s what he had told himself.

Just like Namjoon had said there were tons of scans from the notes on his computer now and the younger started clicking onto the little ‘x’ in the corner. One by one. Then he turned to look out of the window once, deeming it still bright enough outside to open a new document. He would only need to scribble down a few things and then Jimin could figure out the rest for the presentation tomorrow.

Being so focused on his work, moving quick from papers, to files and back to his document, Jimin didn’t notice when Namjoon had settled onto the chair right in front of his desk. How could he, when the vampire was moving inhumanly quiet. Pursing his lips into a pout, Jimin tipped his finger at his lips, mumbling quietly to himself, when a sudden slurping sound made him startle – again.

“Mr. Kim!” Jimin yelped, a little too loud, “You really need to stop sneaking up on me. I thought you said, I needed to take care of myself, well…I might die from a heart attack if you keep doing this.” The younger chuckled cutely, noticing the weird tetra pack that Namjoon was drinking slowly.

“Well as far as I remember I also told you to stop working too late.” Namjoon pointedly looked out the window where the sun was just a barely there, reddish shimmer over the rooftops. “And as you seem so eager to ignore my suggestions I guess there’s no other way for me to remind you of this than to repeat my offer to drive you home. And when I say ‘offer’ I mean ‘friendly suggestion where no isn’t an option’,” He put his tetra pack aside, got out of his chair and gave the human a stern look. “Will you come with me right now or do I need to persuade you further?”

Jimin blinked a few times, the rough voice of Namjoon sending a shiver down his spine, settling low. Wait…did that just turn him on? Not wanting to linger on that thought any longer, and not wanting for Namjoon to go out of his way - again, Jimin hastily cleaned his desk and put the files away. “I’ll be finished in a second, Mr. Kim,” He said and to his luck, Namjoon turned to his office – probably to get his own stuff. Jimin took the time to push the button on his computer to shut it down as well, before he stuffed the things he needed into his bag quickly. He almost ran to the elevators, not wanting to Namjoon to follow. He would be going home alone tonight. He didn’t need an escort or another drive home. Jimin had enough daydreams about his boss already. He really didn’t need more to feed his desperation, or his guilt for making his boss do this. Jimin really couldn’t let this happen again, so if Namjoon saw that his desk was all tidied up and Jimin was on his way home then he would just let it go - hopefully. He just needed to be fast enough…

Namjoon was almost amused about Jimin’s attempt to run off without him. Of course the younger had no chance because it only took him a second to catch up. He waited before the elevator came and Jimin relaxed deeming himself alone and ready to go on his own, before Namjoon coughed slightly. The elevator doors opened, revealing the mirrors inside and showing Jimin what his situation actually looked like; with the younger a few steps ahead and Namjoon right behind him, sporting an amused smirk and a dangerous glint in his eyes that said ‘if you want to trick me you have to try a lot harder my dear’.

Jimin yelped when he saw Namjoon in the mirror of the elevator, before a deep sigh followed. Turning around, he showed off an innocent smile, “Well, it was worth a try, right?”

Pliantly Jimin followed his boss once more into the elevator and down his car, where he sat down on the passenger seat. It was only the second time, Namjoon brought him home but it already felt quite familiar. Singing quietly to the music that was playing in the radio, Jimin didn’t even mind it as much as he thought he would. It was actually…nice.

Namjoon was surprised that Jimin felt comfortable enough around him to hum and sing a little but he didn’t mind in the slightest. The human had the voice of an angel and he wondered why on earth Jimin was working an office job instead of singing on a stage. Although a part of him was grateful that he did, because otherwise he wouldn’t be able to listen to his singing right now - and selfishly he felt to urge to keep Jimin and everything he entailed all to himself.

“Thank you for driving me home, again,” Jimin spoke up, when they turned into the street where his apartment was. Before he got out though, he searched for his wallet, getting out a few bills to give to Namjoon. “Gas money,” Jimin explained quickly with a smile when the other just looked at him confused.

The vampire shook his head, firmly placing the money back into Jimin’s hands and keeping the younger’s palms in between his for a while so that Jimin couldn’t pull them back or try to give him the money again. “There is no way I’m going to let you pay me. We both know who is higher in the food chain here which means a different paycheck for the same hours of work. If you really want to do me a favor then stop ignoring my warning and staying in the office past sunset. If this is some strange way to get my attention you can just say so.” His tone of voice together with the playful smile gave away that he was definitely joking about that last sentence, making the younger one blush and stumble out of the car only seconds later. 

His apartment was dark as he entered and Jimin threw the key onto the kitchen table, before he shuffled right into his bedroom. Letting himself fall onto the soft cushion of his bed, he sighed deeply, wondering about Namjoon again. 

Everyday the other seemed more of a mystery to him. And somehow Jimin was starting to like him. Groaning low, Jimin threw his arms over his face and whined. He was just desperate and alone – that’s all, and that was what he kept telling himself. Namjoon was just a nice boss. Someone who took care of his employees and Jimin was nothing special. But why was Namjoon so caring towards him especially? Yes, maybe Jimin was the only one that stayed so long after work and with the attacks happening, he really should be more careful. But why did he care? He could replace Jimin so easily, right? Turning around, Jimin hit his head into the cushion repeatedly, groaning in frustration.

...

“So, you’re telling me that he brought you home ...again?” Taehyung whispered, while Jimin uncomfortably poked around in his salad. “Can we stop talking about work, please? We have lunch, let’s just enjoy our salads,” Jimin mumbled, stuffing his face with food so he wouldn’t need to talk more but of course Tae wasn’t finished.

“Be careful, okay?” He said and Jimin perked his head up. “It’s unusual that he is so nice to you. I don’t trust it,” Tae said, taking a sip from his coffee, “He’s quite aggressive after all. Anger issues aren’t something you want to deal with.” Jimin rolled his eyes at that, “But you said it yourself that he’d never been angry towards another person, just furniture. I think he’s cute.”

“Cute?”

“Yes,” Jimin nodded firmly, “I do. And that’s it. Just that. My boss is cute and there’s no problem with thinking that.” Taehyung had raised an eyebrow at that but let Jimin have his point of view.

Walking back towards their desk, Taehyung was talking all about the photography project he was doing for his second major, when all out of a sudden a horrible crashing sound came from Namjoon’s office and kept everyone frozen in their place. But it wasn’t even seconds after it happened, when everyone focused back on their work. Jimin furrowed his brows at the odd behavior. “What…what was that?” He asked, and Taehyung shrugged his shoulders as an answer. “I told you he has anger issues.”

...

“Godfuckingdammnit!” Namjoon cursed under his breath, trying to keep from throwing something in frustration. He just couldn't get those attacks out of his head and he was losing sleep over getting a certain employee home and then worrying about him in general because he was getting too close to him and also because he smelled so nice and he was hungry, so very hungry all the time and now, right when everyone else was there in the office, back from their lunch breaks and ready to continue work, right then did he have to stumble over a cable, entangle himself in the loop it made on the floor and knock the whole thing over. Right onto the floor. Where it just shattered. With an annoyingly loud bang and about a million little pieces to pick up. God how he hated this! Why couldn't he just ignore the aesthetics and get an interior made of concrete and rubber?

Meanwhile Jimin’s stare was fixated on Namjoon’s door, as he bit his lip in thought. “I know what you’re thinking and no, it’s not a good idea,” Taehyung said, trying to push Jimin towards his desk, “It happens, we all pretend like it didn’t and move on.”

Seeing the files on his desk, Jimin grabbed them quickly and turned towards Tae with a faint smile. Namjoon needed them anyways, so taking a quick look to see if the other was okay wouldn’t hurt right? He could always say he was just doing his job. "I will just bring him these and make sure he’s fine,” Jimin nodded determinedly and walked along, only to stop right in front of Namjoon’s door. His heart beating fast. He was nervous.

He knocked twice and then Jimin opened the door slowly to let himself in, not even waiting for Namjoon to say something. Closing the door right behind him, the younger’s gaze fell onto the shards, then onto his boss. “Are you okay, Mr. Kim?” He asked cautiously, but as soon as Jimin saw that Namjoon hadn’t hurt himself (at least there was no blood), he let out relieved breath. 

There had been a knock on the door and before Namjoon could say anything it opened hesitantly. It was Jimin. Of course it was Jimin, the human was wherever he went, in his office, in his car, in his dreams. There was nowhere he could hide from him and his damned delicious smell.

“You should be more careful,” Jimin chuckled to lighten the mood a little, while Namjoon was just staring at him. Without saying anything further, Jimin kneeled down, carefully starting to pick up the shards that were lying around.

“Jimin, what are you...” 

Normally no one else dared to enter when he broke something. Of course Namjoon had heard that they falsely thought of his clumsiness as aggressive acts but honestly, he didn’t mind. That way they didn’t wonder how on earth he had managed to break a whole table in half by simply falling onto it, they just fabricated their rumors about how he must have thrown the heavy paper weight onto it while throwing a tantrum. And it also made them keep their distance which came in handy with all the secrets he had to hide. Jimin however seemed determined to completely go over those social rules and be his angelic self, apparently looking out for his boss despite him being said to be dangerous.

Jimin was carefully placing shard by shard into his hand and then threw some into the bin, before he repeated his work. Maybe he could have gotten a broom or something familiar, but he actually didn’t know where he should have looked for one, so this seemed the perfect solution.

All while Namjoon just stared at Jimin in confusion as the younger started picking up the shards. Why on earth was he acting so nice towards him? Was this Jimin’s way of paying him back for driving him home because he hadn’t accepted the money or...

A whiff of blood met his senses and he hastily gripped the backrest of his seat tightly, knuckles turning white as he desperately tried to look absolutely unfazed by this.

“You can go and get yourself a coffee or some water, Mr. Kim. I can take care of this and then…” A sudden pain in his finger, made Jimin flinch and suck in a sharp breath. “Did... did you cut yourself?” Namjoon was excessively proud of himself when his voice barely wavered. He rounded the table, ignoring his own inner voice who told him to stay the hell away from Jimin and kneeled down besides the other. “You shouldn’t have done that, Jimin. You didn’t have to clean up my mess.” His eyes fixated on Jimin's hand that the younger kept hidden while pressing it down onto his thigh. “Show me.”

Jimin hesitated at first but it hurt too much to not let Namjoon help him. Maybe the other had a first aid kit in his office with some plaster, so they could fix it up really quick. “It hurts,” He whined quietly and let go off his hand. The blood dribbled down, when Jimin held it up and watched as a small stream of blood trailed down onto the floor. Namjoon was so close right now that the other could smell his cologne and for a second Jimin forgot about the fact that his blood was dripping down right now.

The vampires head got dizzy from his want and he felt like a fledgling again, unable to control his appetite, with no sense of self preservation or self control present. Still he had added a few hundred years of practice and self-improvement, so when he took Jimin’s hand in his his grip was gentle and his eyes were entirely human when he spoke. “I’m gonna still the bleeding now before I patch you up. You’re lucky the splitter didn’t get stuck.” Then, without another warning he put Jimin’s finger into his mouth.

It was heaven. Pure, unadulterated, heavenly bliss to taste the warm, fresh, unadulterated blood on his tongue. He could barely hold himself together to not moan low at the taste. Jimin’s scent was nothing compared to what his blood was like in his mouth, just like a scentless chamomile, a wallflower really - and Namjoon was sure he would never be able to forgot the feeling of this first lick, the first hint of Jimin’s essence on the tip of his tongue before it hit him what a delicacy he really had in front of him.

Jimin’s breathing was steady. He blinked his eyes a few times, his mouth opened to say something, but he couldn’t utter a word. His heart beating slow and then fast as he felt the blood rushing through his veins out of a sudden. He felt Namjoon’s lips, warm and gentle on his skin and he felt hot and cold at the same time. Closing his eyes involuntarily, Jimin leaned his head back, baring his neck a little when a quiet moan spilled from his lips. The pain long gone, and his nerves calmed instantly, replaced by a mild euphoria that put him at ease.

The soft sound went straight to Namjoon’s head and he instantly pulled back. Jimin had his eyes closed, his neck involuntarily bared and Namjoon was shaking with the effort it took him to not lean in and lick along the column of his throat. His teeth were showing and all he wanted to do was break the soft skin on Jimin's neck and just indulge himself in the delicacy that was his blood, feast on the sweet crimson that lingered underneath his skin, just waiting to be fully appreciated. His mouth watered and he could feel a hungry growl start to built up in his chest so he quickly got up, swallowed it down, turning around to crouch behind his desk, rummaging in the drawer, pretending to look for band aids or something while in reality he leaned his head against the wood, trying to will his hunger away, make the fangs disappear, telling himself to, “Calm down, calm down, Namjoon, calm the fuck down or else you’re gonna ruin everything!"

“I..I don’t have any band aids here, let me get them from the other room. I’ll be back in a second, just don’t touch anything please.” His voice was low and gravelly as if he was recovering from a cold - although what he was trying to ‘recover’ from was way more dangerous. A part of him whispered that he shouldn’t try to fight it, that drinking from Jimin was what he really needed and that he would deal with the consequences after, maybe hypnotizing him, maybe drinking him empty and hiding his body, who would have to know, he just smelled so nice and tasted so heavenly he just had to have a proper taste of him… but Namjoon angrily pushed that voice inside of him down. He hadn’t need to deal with his dark side for a long time and knowing that just a few drops of Jimin’s blood brought his deepest urges back to surface scared him properly. But he was way stronger than that, had been for a long time now and so he leaned onto the sink in the bathroom next door, staring at his own pale face in the mirror while letting the cold water run over his wrists and arms until he could watch his fangs disappear and his breathing go back to normal.

Jimin on the other hand, had let himself fall onto his bottom, sitting there with confusion written all over his face and shards all around him. The bleeding had stopped, but the cut was still there. The pain slowly coming back. What had just happened? Jimin looked at the door, then back to the shards and the blood that had been dripping onto the floor, coloring a few spots red. He gulped heavily, when he thought about how Namjoon had hold his wrist, sucking on his finger so deliciously that it...apparently had turned him on. Instead of pulling his finger away, it had sent a shiver down his spine, making him feel euphoric and way too hot. Jimin groaned desperately, not really sure why he had reacted the way he did. Or why Namjoon even did such a thing? When the other finally came back, Jimin looked up at him with big eyes, still holding his finger patiently. 

“You...you licked me,” Jimin said, his eyes following every movement of Namjoon until he was kneeling in front of him again.

Namjoon made sure to keep his expression as neutral as possible as he answered, “Yes, saliva has antiseptic properties. I didn‘t want you to get an infection and didn‘t have any antiseptics here. I‘m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.“ He prepared one of the band aids and wiped the last remnants of blood from Jimin‘s finger so that he could apply it. As soon as he was finished he got up, putting some distance in between Jimin and himself. “If you want to you can take the rest of the day off.” He wasn’t suggesting that because if the cut, it was just a little nick but because he was hoping that he might get his obsession for Jimin’s taste out of his mind if the other wasn’t so close all the time. Maybe he should ask him if he had plans to go away on holiday?

“Oh, okay,” Jimin nodded at Namjoon’s suggestion to take the day off and slowly got up. He didn’t turn around, yet as he was still busy looking at his boss for a moment too long. “Th-thank you,” Jimin stuttered quietly, “And…I’m sorry I made more of a mess.” Only then the younger one turned around with his head low and his injured finger tightly held against his chest. He didn’t answer any of Taehyung’s question and told him he would call him later, before Jimin got his bag and simply made his way out. He needed some fresh air and a clear mind. 

He still felt a little bit in a daze.

Namjoon was glad that Jimin had taken his advice and it actually was a little easier with Jimin not being around him. But nonetheless he was still pretty far from getting the younger out of his head. If this would continue like this then he would soon get pretty desperate. Maybe he should give in to Hoseok’s suggestions in some way and ask him if he knew any non-hypnotized humans that were around the mansion that wouldn’t mind being bitten by him. Normally the ones that stayed out if their own free will had one specific vampire who was allowed to fed from them but asking couldn’t hurt maybe there was someone around who liked being bitten in general. He really needed to get himself a real, warm meal if he wanted to put up with his little blood crush on Jimin.

Another nice side effect of Jimin already being home was that he could work in his office instead of having to take him home. Strangely enough his concentration wasn’t the best so instead of working late night how he had planned he decided to take a walk. Nothing compared to walking through the streets alone at night under the light of a pale moon while breathing in the crisp night air that tasted like secrets and hidden promises.

In all of Namjoon’s years of living as a vampire, he’d never shown such a lack of self-control or intense reaction to anyone. Especially now that he had tasted him. Why was Jimin’s heartbeat so clear and enthralling each time he was close? He heard heartbeats of humans all day and had grown so accustomed that over the years it had become white nose. But not Jimin’s. And now that he had gotten a taste of his blood it had only gotten worse. He tasted even better than he smelled. Namjoon groaned and in the swell of lust and a moment of weakness his fangs emerged and the vampire had to be fast getting out from the main streets where he could bump into people any time and into the shadows of some dark alley. He stood in the dark and touched his lips as they curved into a smile. Namjoon could still taste him on his tongue and the lingering effect of his blood echoed through his body. It had only been a few drops.  But Jimin’s blood had awoken the dark side in him, but there was more to it. Licking his lips, Namjoon kept walking, being deeply immersed in his thoughts. He craved more than flesh and blood. He craved him. More than he cared to admit.

...

The woman was drunk, her hair had loosened wildly around her shoulders. He had been waiting all night for this opportunity, so when she left the bar he followed her. Usually the women were more careful at night, especially with the rumors of the attacks around and mostly took a cab right away but this one didn’t give a damn. The man growled low and the woman turned to face him. Sensing danger, she began to run from him, but she was unsteady from the alcohol in her system and fell before she could even reach the main street. He was on her in a moment.

He pinned her down with his strong arms as she stared up at him in fear. The mask was keeping most of his face hidden, only his eyes – blood red – were staring right back at her. She screamed, when he tore it away and the needle sharp canine teeth sunk into her skin. The man became more excited, biting the woman repeatedly, not even caring about being careful, before her eyes went blank and her trembling body stopped moving. He leaped up from the woman, his muscular body driven by adrenaline. He could her faint noises. Someone was close. “Fuck,” The vampire hissed, driven on by the familiar high he always had following a kill, he jumped up a few fences and climbed up a roof quickly.

At first Namjoon had thought that the whiff of blood was a memory of Jimin’s taste, some kind of coping mechanism of his body to deal with the sensory overload but then it became stronger. Way stronger. As if someone had spilled it. His breath stuttered when he realized what it could mean and as soon as he rounded the corner his intuition was confirmed. There was a body of a young female splayed out on the pavement, her clothes shredded, just as much as her flesh. The blood had painted the cloth, her skin, the ground beneath her and Namjoon got dizzy from the overwhelming sight. So much blood! It got him sick how his body still reacted to it with hunger, which meant that the body must be still warm and as he knelt down he could feel that he was right.

Licking his lips slowly, the vampire strode across the roof and glanced at the alley six floors below as a grin cracked his face. His misfortune had turned into luck. The vampire knew the man, whose face turned paler than it already was, when he saw the dead woman. They had observed him for quite some time and knew this was vampire territory. One that they wanted to claim. And this particular vampire was high at rank. They knew how close he was to the vampire leader. He growled low and quiet, watching the other vampire kneel down and reach out for the lifeless woman. Only then he dropped soundlessly to the dark alley below and landed on his feet as sure as an alley cat. 

“Hello, Kim Namjoon,” The rogue vampire hissed, his voice sounding even lower through the mask, his gaze piercing through Namjoon.

Namjoon had been so concentrated on what was in front of him that he flinched hard at the sudden appearance. Fear ran through his veins at how easily the vampire had approach him without Namjoon noticing and he hastily scanned the scene, trying to decipher if there were others around and hiding as well. What was also unsettling was that this guy knew his name - while Namjoon had absolutely no idea who he was. But now he had a chance to change that. He stayed where he was, trying to see through whatever game the other was playing and pretended to be absolutely fine although his body was as tense as a bowstring and he had to suppress the warning growl in his chest. He had no idea what the other was capable of so he better talked first and fought later.

The rogue vampire was fast, driven by the fresh blood in his system that made him feel invincible. In a second, he was right in front of Namjoon’s face, cocking his head to the side. He eyed him dangerously. Leaning in the rogue vampire sniffed the other and chuckled low. This would be easy, he thought to himself. Though every vampire had their own, individual scent - Namjoon’s was quite unique. His hand soared up and wrapped around the vampire’s neck, as the rogue one growled low, “You’d make a great present for the king…if only you’d be a little more dead.” Pressing down onto Namjoon’s throat, the rouge vampire laughed, “But I can change that.”

So much for talking first... Namjoon held onto the others arm with both hands and kicked him right into his solar plexus with as much force as he could muster. The second it took for the other to catch his breath he tried to push him down, turn his arm onto his back and held him there but he had absolutely no chance. The other was crazy, not only crazily strong because of his meal but also crazy in the way he acted. He completely ignored the pain in his shoulder and whipped around, snapping at Namjoon like a rabid dog. And the worst was that Namjoon felt like the other would get the upper hand if he didn’t manage to turn the table right now. No matter how much older he was in the end a sated vampire would always win over a hungry one and right now they were exactly that. The second Namjoon decided that instead of trying to catch the rogue to bring him into questioning for Hoseok he should just try to get out of this with as little damage as possible the other vigorously bit into Namjoon’s shoulder, piercing the flesh easily. The victorious howl he made was inhuman and Namjoon felt a fresh wave of fear hit him. This was starting to get tricky.

It took all of Namjoon’s strength to take a leap at the vampire, hitting the other right onto his jaw and making him stumble back a few steps. It was the moment Namjoon needed to get a few inches between them, before the rogue vampire was on his feet again and behind him. Only this time, Namjoon turned around, running inhumanly fast to try and get away from the other. It would be no use fighting him and he still had seen enough to get at least some information to Hoseok – but for that he needed to stay alive. The rogue vampire let out an animalistic growl, as he ran right behind Namjoon with ease. Even if the other would hide from him, he could still track his smell.  

His head was buzzing with thoughts, he needed a plan to escape and he needed it now because every second he was still out in the open the other was getting closer to him. He needed a distraction, a place where no one but him could reach. Running somewhere with lots of people wasn’t an option in the middle of the night because the only place like this that was near was a night club and no one would take notice of him there, the loud music and flickering lights would only be the perfect hunting ground for the other. He couldn’t outrun him, he couldn’t protect himself with the presence of other people, the only thing that was left was trying to hide but the other would just follow his smell unless he drank from someone (which happened to change your own unique smell for a while if you drank enough) which wasn’t an option, both morally and time wise - or he could try to mask his scent with a human one through hiding really close to someone. But he couldn’t just break into someone’s home and he neither had the time nor talent to hypnotize them in a hurry which meant they would scream and then the rogue one would him him nonetheless and...

Namjoon started to panic. Then it dawned on him. He had one chance. One single, tiny little chance. Jimin. If he managed to hide at Jimin’s home he might trick the other into losing his trace.

The rogue was right on Namjoon’s feet, as they were climbing up some walls, running over rooftops, chasing each other. “Just stop fighting, Namjoon!” The other yelled, “It won’t hurt, I promise.” The vampire laughed, and his speed didn’t even falter one second, instead he only got faster. He was panting though and when he reached for Namjoon’s jacket, the older vampire slipped out of it easily, making the rogue one tear it apart in anger.

The little stunt with his jacket made him stumble, just once, but it slowed him down enough for the other to catch up. Namjoon didn’t have any time left to decide if he could risk pulling Jimin into this. It was now or never. Trying to escape and risking Jimin or dying at the hand of that rogue. He didn’t think twice. One didn’t manage to live hundreds of years if you didn’t have a strong will to live. He turned around at the edge of the roof, looking at the rogue again to try and get another chance at maybe seeing something that could help him find out who they were - then he let himself fall.

Each and every vampire had their own special ability. They mostly reflected a part of your character or a talent that you were really good at, little things that you had been good at during your human life and that you now were amazing in your vampire life. The older you were the better those abilities could be developed and the crazier they expressed themselves. Namjoon had the ability to change forms. Not that many forms, only one, actually. A bat. Like a very small, very cliche version of vampiric shapeshifting. So the moment he fell of that roof his body changed and what finally fell down onto the ground wasn’t his body, but simply his clothes.

The rogue vampire let out another loud growl when he saw that Namjoon had slipped right through his fingers. He hadn’t seen the small bat, but could still smell Namjoon’s scent. So he closed his eyes, trying to focus on it. Only moments later, he snapped his eyes open again, a wicked smile graced his lips.

On the other side of town, Jimin was yawning while he was waiting patiently for the water to boil. He leaned against the kitchen counter, raking through his hair tiredly. The incident with Namjoon had been on his mind all day and he had wondered about him once more. But in the end Jimin had only settled on thinking that Namjoon was just a little weird - but still cute. The call with Taehyung hadn’t been more helpful to sort his thoughts out, because he had only warned him about Namjoon once more. Sighing deeply, Jimin turned and poured the hot water into his tea cup. He brought it to his night table, before he shuffled over to his wardrobe to get out some pajamas.

Jimin had really thought that moving back here would turn out a little easier. All he had wanted was a little bit of peace and quiet. Maybe a flirt or two and not thinking about his own boss in the shower. Twice. Pulling his pajama pants on, Jimin sat onto the soft cushion that was his bed and reached out for the book he was reading. Just as he read the first few sentences a sudden cold wind howled through his apartment, followed by a weird noise that sounded awfully like a bird that had gotten lost - did he forgot to close the window again? Jimin shivered from the sudden cold. Very slowly he got up and peeked into his living room. What he saw made his words stuck in his throat. This couldn’t be. There was Namjoon standing right in the middle of the room, staring right back at him - naked.

A/N: Tadah! Now we know why he was naked ;) Leave us a comment on how you liked this chapter! Your lovely messages and encouraging comments always make our day and keep us motivated! Thank you, really! ❤❤❤

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14x05 watching notes

filed under: episodes that demand a written apology from the writer

Morning, I opened the episode to check it worked and the first thing on screen was dead Maggie, so I guess skip the preamble, let's get rid of that D:

Meredith is going to look after Maggie. Who so far this season has just been the human representation of the :o emoji

-

Er, she's not going to look after us, after the THEN card we abruptly drop into Dean having his beach retirement chat with Sam

A lingering reminder of how Jack would help - if he had his powers - but Sam asks "then what would we do" and cut to Dean being Michaeled. At this point I can't tell if we need to remember 13x23 for Reasons or if they just don't trust us to remember the recent history of the show at all and are catching up people who might have dropped by to see how their favourite guest star, Maggie, is doing.

-

I mean I love her but she isn't the headliner normally :P

-

OH GOODNESS SHE'S THE COLD OPEN GIRL. Maggieee no. She looks so scared. Why are they sending her hunting on her own??? She is a smol scared bean who was not prepared for the apocalypse and surely must be able to find other off-the-radar jobs for a person from another universe in this world that don't involve throwing herself at monsters!

-

She's wearing pink trousers for a stealth mission at night. She makes Sam's orange jacket look like camo

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Also she's recording herself... Maggie... What are you doing........ hon......................

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I have adopted her, but it turns out I have another stupid child among my many, many stupid children and just once I wish they didn't turn out like this :P

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So she's like, attached a go pro to herself to record her hunt for... training purposes? reporting back to Chief? because she's become an adrenaline junkie after all the time she was nearly eaten by supervampires?

-

MAGGIE

Gad dangit

He was slow moving and you heard him behind you. Swing first, ask questions later, when it's a growling noise in a dark crypt.

-

Has anyone been counting the apocalypse world peeps because I'm pretty sure they're relying on us not to recognise them because they're a crowd. At this point we almost certainly have like 50+ distinct individuals instead of the 25 they purportedly rescued.

I say this because I feel like some of the white guys from the original batch appear to have metamorphosed into a more diverse group

-

Sammy setting homework.

Sorry, not Sammy. The Boss.

Dean comes in to observe class.

Sam immediately sheds all his confidence and goes back to being Sammy. He does seem to have a slight layer of scruff more, or maybe it was just that he was looking particularly clean-shaven last episode out of shock

Dean offers to get him a camp counsellor whistle, and Sam gets even more awkward about hunter check ins. I can see this feeding itself here, with Sam blustering and getting weird about his position of authority in front of Dean, and Dean who is both latching on in a brotherly way, and lashing out in a recently emotionally maimed Dean way, but can't yell at the apocalypse peeps they rescued and graciously allowed to stay because, you know, Michael destroyed their world, so taking it all out on Sam... Unfortunately, Dean being the wounded, irrational party, it's down to him to realise he's being a lil too harsh on Sam OR Sam to stop rising to the bait.

In this case, I would say the ball is firmly in Sam's court, not because he's at any particular fault for instinctively reacting like the needled little brother when big bro wanders in snarking at his attempts to do his job, but because he is the one behaving like the adult already in this scenario when he's facing the AU peeps and being The Chief in a natural way where he's thriving in the environment, and crumpling immediately in the face of this one random element is a clear part of his growth and maturity arc. As it is he's feeding Dean's reaction a LOT by getting embarrassed and changing his behaviour and not standing his ground and continuing to act like a mature adult, and giving Dean the little brother teasing opening he feeds off in the dynamic.

In other scenarios this could flip with Sam doing his best and Dean being a dick who's seeking an opening and trying to get Sam to crack and in that case it would be all on him to correct his behaviour, but in this case, I'm leaning Sam being the problem despite the appearance, because he crumpled just to hear Dean coming up the steps, never mind how it went from there. He's acting ashamed of being the leader, because he knows it's emotionally infringing on Dean territory, as he sees Dean as a natural and more rightful leader, and doesn't recognise his own strengths and skills being applied in spades here; his self-confidence immediately is put under the microscope when he knows Dean is there, and it topples his precarious house of cards of self confidence.

He has also put himself in a position of managing Dean, coming in last episode all, alright champ how's it going? and had a success by a country mile with getting Dean to leave his room, open up, and have some fun, and that's not even comparing it to the same time last season when in 13x05 he completely failed at the same task. He has been working gently on Dean to help him, but he can't when it comes to getting Dean used to having the AU peeps around and accepting Sam's new job there, if Sam acts like it's something to be ashamed of and is too horrified by usurping Dean to focus on letting his instincts talk and continuing to blatantly be a wonderful leader.

-

These AU peeps are also seeing their venerated war hero general just crumple into an insecure mess as soon as his brother walks into the room >.>

-

Sam gets coffee, turns into coffee!Sam (Lizbob's on the record favourite character in the entire show), finally snaps back at Dean about how many hunters he's keeping track of right now when Dean stops needling in a funny way and asks about Sam's health - of course, now it's all built up into Dean bothering Sam so instead of being a nice request, Sam snaps.

It's possible that while Sam now runs the hunters, delegating to Mary and AUBobby and even Dean if he'll accept it, to help keep track etc, will really benefit in the long run.

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Slick way to work where Cas and Jack are into the same breath as where Mary and Bobby are - rugarou, which is code for off screen case - and throw it all out there as plot and ongoing character work AND the requisite where is Cas comment to keep fandom happy.

-

God, I haven't even gotten around to what I meant to say immediately that Sam dropped down into his codependency seat at the table and Dean is unintentionally mirroring 9x13's final scene of all the many times they've been around this block - off the top of my head but as someone who has been keeping a very close eye for a very long time, I can't think of another significant instance where Sam was sitting and Dean was standing while it got heated.

Of course 9x13 was working very hard to show their divisions, while of course here Sam is just sitting in his Dean Is Upsetting Me chair and Dean's not sitting at the table which just means not engaging with Sam on his level in a very literal as well as metaphorical way - in character, that's a body language dissonance as well as making Sam look up at him. In staging terms, it carries the weight of years of directorial and acting decisions about how to portray the brothers in crisis that I've been noting in case of a pattern.

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"Yeah, but a war isn't hunting" good grief Sam is making their entire lives sound even worse than ever given they grew up in this and now he's listing off all the stuff they need from the perspective of being the Bobby. I mean, when they say they were raised like soldiers, they're adding in the fact they do zillions of almost completely unsupported 2 man raids into hostile territory with limited gear or recon. The recap at the start, showing them going in to fight the werewolves with an angel and a nephilim on their side, was an easy hunt for a reason and not just because there were 4 of them :P Without that, no matter how many hunters they accumulate, it's always looked like a losing battle because many of these things you'd want to call the national guard on if civilians could be alerted to the danger.

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See, Dean is acting needle-y but as soon as Sam gets an unnerving alert on his phone he's concerned and asks who it is - remember last episode where he was like don't know don't care about the guy Sam was Bobbying from the car? - and when he says "maggie" ... well, they're all clearly protective of her in particular D:

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Oh good, the body cams thing was a Sam innovation and therefore a good idea and we can pat his head for it

-

Bobby never had that and I bet he'd have LOVED to keep track of his peeps that way.

-

The other hunters meet up on the last thursday of the month to watch the highlight reel from Garth Cam, BYOB, popcorn provided

-

Nyooom

This shot should win awards for the fuckin horrifying perspective that I, as a non-mountain-dweller, can barely comprehend that it looks like the sky but then you keep on looking up and there's trees in there. Is this something people in big countries are used to? I mean I've seen my share of mountains in Scotland and they're way too cramped to fake you out like that.

You have to understand that in my town, wedged between two cliffy cliffs, the entire old town is like 500ft wide at best before more cliff. There's only 2 directions - up and towards the sea :P  You don't need fancy camera tricks to contain everything... I'm getting agoraphobia just looking at this. I mean I don't think it's intended to cause existential horror but mission accomplished.

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Dean getting morbid talking about how having a private cemetery would be nice. I mean, they practically need one behind the Bunker after all this time, wherever the final resting place is of at least Kevin and Charlie's bodies as well as anyone else who died in and around there who wasn't dumped in the sewer like Ketch was :')

During day this place isn't half bad, with its whimsical overgrown look, the slanting fence of the bridge to cross to get there, the jungle closing in around the little plot...

But remember, Dean. Beach holiday. Eyes on the prize, man. You and the rest don't get to hang out behind the Bunker for eternity at least until you're all old and earned it.

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Dean defends knowing what a walker from the Walking Dean is... in 12x15 he was playing with a Negan bat which I assume he still has somewhere, washed off and placed in the armoury :P Sam is at least being a bit more authoritative here in the sense of reeling off info as the Chief in charge of Maggie's fate and knowing her mission etc...

Honestly this makes me feel like the dynamic of Dean drives, Sam rides shotgun can mature too, in the sense that Dean is no longer taking control from Sam - back in season 10 that was very heavily used as part of their toxic dynamic and there's definitely shades of season 10 dynamics on the chopping block around these parts - because Sam needs all the extra time to manage his army from the road, with his hands free to check the phone and read up on everything, while Dean is free to drive and be Dean.

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Sam being all I FAILED SHE IS DEAD at every turn and Dean being all "hey check it out, drag marks! :D" "but no blood!!! :D :D :D"

-

As a student of analaysisisign things I have no idea what was just implied by Sam and Dean being called back to the surface followed by the sound effect of spooky cold breath, a wonky focus on a statue of a bearded dude and smol cherub, and then being interrupted by a 1900s gardener.

Apron plus hat seems like Michael coding but god knows what it means.

I bet they're actually talking to a ghost but he's so busy just defending the ancestral land that he's passing as a real alive person and it's one of those completely harmless cases where the ghost just lurks around protecting the land, doesn't go vengeful, and wards off people who hang out there... Not that he had much luck with the drunk teens.

-

1900s gardener stands outside, unable to go into the house, surveying it with a weary eye.

The garden is completely and utterly overgrown, almost like no one has gardened it for 100 years, even though there appears to be a gardener on the property.

*rubs chin*

-

1900s gardener gives them one last suspicious look before wandering back to work, significantly enough that we see it with a whole separate shot

what is his deal

why is he dressed like that

-

Does Meredith feel guilty for MURDERING JOSHUA and side note, can we really trust that it was him who got murdered. Maybe he's in retirement dressed in an olde timey shirt and waving antique gardening implements at Sam and Dean for kicks.

-

Considering they improv'd the line about the HPS it's very lucky that Mobby came up with that line - I guess showing how they think alike and all

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"Just wish you'd checked in with the main office," Sam bobs his head, like, "ME", "before you came out here..."

Yeah, here's the Sam and AUBobby leadership conflict I was hoping for :P

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Mary asks for a mo and shepherds Sam out in particular, leaving AUBobby and Dean to handle the architect digest subscriber. She's all momsy with her handling of him, and Dean and AUBobby are left to do the awkward small talk - we know AUBobby really doesn't have it as his strong suite, even though it was Bobby's, like in 6x21 where he was the only one to ever say sorry about your mom to the guy. It also means they have to do the blathering while trying to work out any supernatural history on the property in character, while Mary and Sam are designating themselves the ones who can get to the heart of the problem and handle it like the profession adults. I like the implicit trust/respect bond that gives here.

I mean she has it with Dean too I would think but she's spent more time with Sam lately and it's important now to show she's grown such a bond with Sam, as it's been 2 whole years of her being back before they could begin to properly bond due to various issues.

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"It was her first solo hunt and she was nervous" listen Sam and Dean are like 1000 pounds of muscle and "fuck you apocalypse" experience and they hunt together. Maggie was smol and wore pink trousers.

-

Is. Is smol.

God. I'm turning into Sam.

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Lol conspicuous blood transfusion bags. Nice gig, to drain peeps and get a nurse to apply the blood directly to you. Is he a vampire with an olde timey set up?

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Maggiieeee

stealing her boots is just mean.

Does she have pink plaid as well as pink trousers?

My god how did they let her out of the house? She's too cute and innocent for this world.

Or her previous world.

Can we shunt her along one more world to one which doesn't have this much monster trouble even, as she's clearly still not found the AU which suits her best.

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Heee Dean knocking the mantelpiece and saying the house has "good bones" like he's an expert on houses

The question is, has he watched a lot of junk reality TV about house refurbishment, or is he just faking on the fly

I have not watched enough aforementioned junk TV to call this one

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Oh, nope, the daughter validates it by saying her grandpa used to say it. Dean has watched enough TV to pass

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Ooooh AUBobby having a go at Sam for his shoddy leadership of letting Maggie come here when she had no idea what was up.

I'm guessing the help over text messaging may have been a bit more backseat hunting from AUBobby, but he didn't try to STOP Maggie, or tell her to wait while he and Mary dashed up here.

In any case, here's the conflict of leadership I've been waiting for since before the season began :') Unfortunately, Sam shaved off his beard before going toe to toe with AUBobby, so he takes the first round by default of bristliness, as Sam ceded some portion of control back to Dean on Dean's return and this has made him weird and jumpy about acting like the chief in front of his peeps, and now AUBobby's taking the opening.

-

He has such a power stance that Bobby never had

Shoulders back, beard out

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Dean defends Sam like when is anyone ready to hunt, because from their perspective of course they were as smol-seeming as Maggie and CONSIDERABLY younger when they were plunged into hunting. She's a grown adult! She can handle it! (she may or may not be a mirror to Jack, who is consumptive, and therefore betraying some sort of inherent unreadiness to hunt and a requirement that the smols among you be protected rather than forced to grow up too young and go hunting as a rite of passage, just as Sam and Dean were given their first beers barely in single digits by gnarly hunters)

"A real leader would have seen that a mile away" Yeah AUBobby is too used to leading his peeps - perhaps he liked a semi retirement where Sam was the leader and the world seemed safer and they could hunt like the old days...

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Mary mediates, splitting up the team in the only way that makes sense, hoping that Dean can defend Sam in absentia (and thus be forced to confront that Sam IS a good and thoughtful leader and to stop mocking him and start defending him) and she can comfort Sam and build him back up as the Chief.

-

Dean goes on such a face journey about this whole thing, from feeling weird about AUBobby to bad about what's going on with Sam to just worried about Maggie and very much taking on that blame for sending a smol out into the field, especially as he has recused himself from responsibility to these people - while fairly taking a mental health break from the frontline as well as competing with how Sam already got there... Anyway that was like 18 distinct facial expressions each with a story and it's too early in the morning... I JUST got my cup of tea and it's still too hot to drink so Jensen's defeated me this round

-

Sam gets comforted by another trenchcoated figure

"Don't listen to Bobby" "maybe he's right" shush.

"THIS IS WHAT HE WAS BORN TO DO"

ILY Mary. She's coming in fresh on adult!Sam, she doesn't even have the feelings about him as she does to smol scared 4 year old boy Dean, especially if we account for postpartum depression making it hard for her to bond with him as per the entire metaphorical structure of the show from episode one to present. Now she's getting to spend time with him - and especially as her only significant time with him BEFORE this was 12x14 aka Bobo's ode to Sam's leadership round 1... Yeah, she sees Sam as this giant gangly admirable leader guy she happens to have birthed.

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"Bobby can't see that... not the only thing he's been missing lately."

Good grief, Mary in the trenchcoat has been making the eyes at AUBobby all Michael-hatted up and being ignored and rebuffed from her sparkling heart eyes. I wonder what this is a metaphor for, Ms Meredith Mixtape "know who you love" Glynn.

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Also, Mary feeling comfortable to innuendo her crush on AUBobby to Sam - it really is an adult relationship and respect and emotional trust that I feel never in a million years could just pop up between her and Dean.

Oh boy, this scene is still going.

*Hides behind the secondhand embarrassment cushion* Sam goes there, like, not going to mention it but you - he sounds less bumbling than he has at other points... Sam's awkwardness factor can shoot through the roof to the point where in 3x04 where he attacks those guys and then is like "have a nice day" when they're not demons? I kinda want to reach through the screen and strangle him with my bare hands before he does it just to spare myself seeing it. Also the gifset of that has been on my dash all week, and it predisposes me to loathe Sam's awkwardness. Please god let us get through this in one piece.

Mary is too busy being wistful to realise her son is an awkward bumbling moose who is all misplaced stammering words and wonky legs spinning for traction when he's out of his depth.

-

Aww now Mary is getting to talk about her deal... She thought she had something good going with AUBobby but since they've been back he's been "hunting all the time and won't take a break not even for a second" - the ole bury yourself in hunting to avoid facing trauma or feelings thing. Of course AUBobby may be struggling with the weight of the world he left behind, the people who he couldn't save there and not knowing what has happened to them. There's a lot to unpack with him that hasn't been explored on screen and a lot of it is casting him as behaving in a Dean-like way, while Mary is the "I'll just wait here then" to his coping mechanisms.

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"There's something on his mind, and he doesn't want to talk about it"

Aforementioned trauma, OR a pun about him being possessed by Michael

yeah I'm harping on it as a half-joke half-kinda want to have it on the record in case I'm right :P

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"Bobby's not open like your dad"

Mary, you do realise how that sounds to literally everyone else, right? We KNOW you're practically from a 3rd AU aka the past where John was practically the mirror AU to his future self

Unfortunately, Mary is the only person in the room who ever has that particular story, which sucks for her

-

Anyway Meredith has reached some sort of characterising level with these people that I am just in pure awe of

-

"Not like your dad when I knew him"

"Bobby's got walls. Big ones"

I do think it's funny that Mary has essentially ended up crushing on a man who is a John-like parallel to the anti-John mirror that Bobby was, who of course had his own Karen who he was a different person with, who was a Mary mirror, and .... yeah

it's an interdimensional timetravelling wife swap

-

It makes Destiel look straightforward

-

Part of Meredith's skill here is not just accounting for every angle, but also juggling this nonsense

-

Anyway Mary doubting she can get through AUBobby's walls and be the person who has to do the emotional labour to get the guy she wants - if she's ready to put herself out there again

this is NOT a conversation to have with Dean in a million years. Even Sam takes a mo

"I shouldn't be talking to you about this!" she giggles and she and Sam smile and set off again, all touchy feely.

Sweet.

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Anyway there's another dynamic in these woods.

"You think I was too hard on your brother back there." "He's doing his best. He's doing better than his best." Funny way to phrase it but yeah, Dean can see Sam's levelled up and his new best is this new levels of responsibility and good leadership overall.

-

LOL at how terse that conversation was. Dean points out that Sam could do with a hand running things, makes fun of the beard, no offence, and cut back to Sam and Mary

-

Sam explains Karen to Mary, to give her an idea of what might be AUBobby's backstory too.

"he never had any children?" "no"

Scuse me, that's the line that makes me BAWL every time I watch it. HE DID SO, YOU FOOL. IT WAS YOU AND YOUR UNGRATEFUL BROTHER

I am writing a letter of complaint to the management

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"Whatever your Bobby" - oh dear, AUBobby is now "your" Bobby, like, they found him first but he's now Mary's :p

Sam is now full on giving Mary relationship advice about how it's worth it to move past those walls and give him a go if she really cares about him.

-

Has he ever had this chat with Cas, or is this just practice

-

"Cas, wait, I really appreciate you came to me with this but I am getting killer deja vu for a second here..."

-

Mary finds a disturbing firepit, Dean finds a creepy hunting cabin. This is about to be a barrel of fun

-

AUBobby... Don't just run off. Poke Dean and POINT AT THE THING YOU'RE FOLLOWING

... Dean, also, have some awareness in your peripheral that AUBobby just legged it

-

Again, way more athletic than our Bobby was

-

That's a human hand

-

Are those real IDs or hunter IDs

-

Oh it all came from one wallet, with the same pic on them all, so yes.

-

"Not one of ours" but part of the wider network/family nonetheless. His bearded look recalls Asa Fox, and there's the unspoken discussion again about sharing resources, if ALL hunters shouldn't be pulled into their network and the word spread that the Bunker is at least a resource, that Sam is there to be the hub even if they aren't all part of the centralised AU hunter squad, and Sam starts Bobbying in earnest for this world as a whole.

Of course they'd never have sent Maggie somewhere that a seasoned hunter had already disappeared.

-

Dean finally realises AUBobby is gone, and immediately gets jumped, with rather less warning than Maggie had.

I like how the man has had time to dress up in a suit from his sick bed, if indeed that is the case

monsters in suits

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Well that's new

-

Well in 13x14 Meredith wrote Gog n Magog who were a fake out full of sand... Now this monster is a fake out full of ash?

-

Cut to: Old man still in his hospital bed, definitely not attacking people in the flesh

-

Oh dear, his daughter hearing something in the house while earnestly getting on with dealing with his estate makes me pretty sure she's not in on anything and she shouted them out of the house in genuine grief-stress, which I already wasn't particularly doubting.

-

The ole dragging chains upstairs ghost trick, which I honestly wish I could say I have never heard for myself but the ghost next door is not my problem, Victorian walls keep them contained, and honestly if you've been following the saga on random incidental comments on my blog I'm really only inclined to believe in ghosts for the humorous fake hysteria of a moment's entertainment but the odd noises next door late at night really have been going on long enough and yesterday some folk moved in so, you know, first act of a horror movie setting up mere feet away from me, the disinterested neighbour scowling at all the evil poured into the walls of that house by careless landlords and human suffering I witnessed firsthand caused by it >.> Anyway. Unlike this woman I stayed right in this spot instead of wandering around trying to work out where that noise was coming from, because I'm in the house with the wacky backstory where weed dealers sawed through the support beam in the roof and the front of my room collapsed shortly after we moved in :P

-

I'm sorry, but if a ghost opens a door for you ahead of you in the hall, my advice is not to immediately go up to the door and go in

-

SUPERVAMP IN THE ATTIC

-

She does an admirable duck and cover maneouver, only to realise he hasn't chased her. Huh.

Michael's super vamps are super weird.

-

"You're not crazy" Neil the nurse immediately straightens up and eyeballs Sam a lil harder.

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

PS where is the ghostly gardener in all this because he wasn't the supervamp so

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this is like a murder mystery puzzle but all the bits are so utterly wild... Dead hunter, Maggie being drained for the "stroke" victim who is also attacking people in a suit while made of ash... supervamp in the attic who won't follow her out of the room she found him in

I mean in all this has no one gone back up to the attic where a supervamp is apparently just LIVING?

He's currently just chilling there while they have this conversation

he's just, like... waiting for them????

-

Dean walks in mid-crisis "You hunt monsters?!" "oh good you told them" He does like when things are all quick and easy and right to the point.

Last episode he cheerfully told Dirk that hatchetman Jordan was coming for them, while Sam blustered over telling Sam even when the EMF was SCREAMING that there was a ghost right in the room with them and the display cases were freezing over.

With Mary's influence at least, Sam is happy to get into telling the full story

-

"Wait time out, there's a dead body on our property?"

THERE IS A SUPERVAMPIRE IN YOUR ATTIC

BIGGER PROBLEMS

-

Dean is entirely brushed down... Like... He must have been brushing ghost ash off of himself all the way back to the house.

-

Sam invokes 8x08 right after I was talking about Fred. Dangit, Glynn.

I feel like Sam is sort of making a jump here, but on the other hand the house isn't under ghostly or vampiric shutdown. The father is here, unconscious, so perhaps projecting and I guess if Sam is wondering how he could be doing it, then astral projections may make sense to some degree... Working out how it all ties together is going to be another huge step though. I know the sell for this episode was partially nightmares and dreams, and we have Maggie in a djinn-like trap and the old man both a sleeping Bobby from 3x10 and also a possible Fred Jones projecting it... The supervamps are something that Dean would have brought here, and "walkers" from the Walking Dead is something the boys could have brought. Which means the other hunter could have been murdered by his own trauma... idk. Why am I trying to piece it together now?

watch the episode, lizzy

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LOL the daughter just reeling off her dad's "workaholic with textbook narcissistic tendencies" while also herself clearly being the offspring of such a person (is the manifestation of her dad her own trauma?) and hey no doubt that description of the father might come to bear on some of the father/power figures in the episode. Definitely not what Sam is though he's among the mix - perhaps a dark warning of a guy who works himself to death like this and becomes entirely self-absorbed in the process, but Sam just took a minute to advise his mom's love life so he's hanging in there with his sense of self for now. In the sense that a dark arc doesn't seem to be looming for him in such a way as red flags literally followed pre-Mark Dean around.

-

Okay took a LOT of me yelling at the screen but they FINALLY realised there's an unresolved vampire in the attic situation and Sam's going up to check

-

Meanwhile Mary has been separated out in this cursed property to have her own side-adventure with AUBobby

-

Lol the daughter downs some anti-anxiety medication with whisky while Dean sits behind her tuning his knife in a rather grim melody. What a scene.

-

He also has his foot on an armchair like the total troll he was raised as

-

She goes off on one and Dean immediately likes her

"Thanks dad" "no love lost between you two, huh?"

T stands for terrible father

-

"I get it" "not here for a heart to heart" *pause* *launches into a John Winchester Metaphor Of The Hour rant

"But my MOM" *Dean looks up, eyes all vulnerable* "Depression runs in our family" oh booooy

So she found her mom and Dean saw his mom consumed by fire in a way that is still scarring him TO THIS DAY (re: 13x01 nightmare) and this is our first Mary parallel of even a dead mom but one with a personality, and her own problems... Not the temporary insanity of drowning her children like Constance Welch in 1x01, but a woman who had depression and a husband who wasn't there for her... In 14x01 Mary and Sam's discussion revealed how much she was doggy paddling on the surface of all the awful that's happened to her, but this is our real notable parallel to discuss a family history of depression running through Mary's side of the family, which goes not just for Dean (who, like, really has anxiety himself) but also all of Mary's issues, including in 12x21, begging Ketch to kill her at a lowest point before they got her to entirely retreat into herself.

-

Glynn still out for Dean's blood: "the most ridiculous thing is... I worshipped him when I was a kid" Dean is feeling like she took that machete and shoved it in his stomach, as she sits there swigging whiskey and telling him how he feels. "Didn't know any better. He's the only family I have left."

-

"Can I give you a little advice?......... let it go." Oh Dean :')

Emerging from his cocoon, still mostly trapped in there but I think that's a bit of a wing poking through.

"The past is -" *forcefully stops himself from saying "in the past"*

He talks about it as baggage and how every single day he tries to let it go and leave the baggage behind. God he's strong and amazing and working so hard to be the best version of himself.

-

Oh my god who builds the hall up to the attic as part of the crawlspace? This is horrifying on an unnecessary level and I'm writing into that architecture magazine to complain

-

This is the creepiest attic. Who KEEPS these horrifying mementos. Give them to a thrift shop for a hipster to buff up and turn into a conversation piece in their living room.

-

Okay, blood bags and a girl in chains (explains the clinking) are a bit weirder than average.

-

"Sam... it's here" "What?" "It's heeeere" Sam how long have you BEEN in this business?

File this under your panicky first aid to Stuart last episode

-

Sam got ashed just like Dean did. Hm.

It also looked like one of the crazed hunger vamps from apocalypse world more than one of michael's supervamps maybe? It's really hard to keep track of all these :P

-

Oh my god AUBobby has a son, who was murdered by angels. This is terrible D:

Something about the immediate moment of him wandering in... When Bobby went off earlier I was thinking of 7x11 where he saw his younger self. This approach seems almost more like 6x04 and Crowley seeing Gavin for the first time.

Anyway this is of course another way to twist AUBobby around on himself - he managed to get a son, maybe Karen wasn't murdered by a demon, maybe he had a different wife. Whatever it is, it gives us a version of Bobby totally different from ours and also in how he will relate to Sam and Dean - not as the sons he never had, but if he's thinking of young men in the fight...

-

Oh no AUBobby just got stabbed... Er... is this a nightmare or is he just dead?

-

Is AUBobby really going to -

OW

That's more impressive than breaking a crypt scene mental wall to save your loved one. Then again, original flavour Bobby once stabbed himself in the gut to save Dean so I guess he takes a lot of pain for his loved ones, and honestly gathering the strength to pull a knife out... Maaaybe nicer than putting it in???

The fact this is all going down with angel blades as well.

-

I swear to god... Meredith, don't make me watch AUBobby stab a vision of his own son to complete the loop with our Bobby stabbing Karen.

-

"I'm sorry"

*WhOMph grey ash everywhere*

Kinda takes the pure angst out of it at least :P

-

Dean gets a better look. "You're giving him a transfusion?"

Yeah, there's some fuckery at work here, sir. The nurse seems a lot less flustered answering this one which is almost as suspicious as someone who has been non-flustered suddenly getting flustered

-

Dean regrets saying "make me a sandwich before he is done asking. Which is the only reason I forgive that request :P Remember in 1x06 where he was bossing Sam's friend around to get them a beer and a sandwich so they could talk in peace about shifters? God. She KNOWS about monsters it's just that he wants to ask a sensitive question here.

Or punch the nurse in the face over the comatose form of her father.

A nod to her that it's a ruse gets her in on it, though. Female!Dean who is a different mirror than Dirk (though still messed up by a father) gets on his wavelength.

-

AAH He remembered the djinn thing!!! Dean's memory is so good and I love him and he's the best and also Meredith is riffing off 2x20 which is actually illegal, I literally have that written down here in the rules and regulations. Although it does give me my opportunity to remind us all of Dean's long speech about why does he have to be the one to save all these people to John's grave when he was thinking he had to go unwish stuff.

-

Sadly he didn't show up with a knife tipped in lamb's blood so let's see how this goes.

-

Oh my god the djinn's literally thought Dean was Michael the whole time. I have to rewatch now >.>

Well, not now, but.

-

He thought Michael was testing him, and would be back to give him an upgrade, and now he's waxing poetic about the untapped potential of djinn. We're back at season 6, with the hunter compound vs a monster army, except this time the monsters aren't a reaction to the nonsense of angels, they're the direct work of the angel stepping into the place of Eve as the experimenter, his grace vs her black goo. I suppose the weirdness out here is the djinn flexing its muscles with projecting hallucinations.

And I guess that means it hasn't affected Dean except the generic ghost of Mr Comatose over there (apologies to Cas) which I'd assume is part of the generic set up for killing hunters as it was what got Maggie too.

-

The question is, is that Maggie in the attic, or a nightmare for Sam. Wouldn't she be djinned too?

-

"Because of him - because of YOU - I can bring those nightmares into the world" well that's a weighted line >.> Dean's guilt for saying yes,  for these things done with his face. Literally bringing nightmares into the world.

Which does at least confirm that the nightmares so far have been external and we're not IN a dream which has been worrying me.

On the other hand that means AUBobby really did get stabbed that badly.

-

"I highly doubt you have a knife dipped in lamb's blood" I TOLD him.

-

you can't just kneecap the djinn

-

"I am curious, what are YOUR nightmares"

Literally pausing it because Meredith is absolutely horrible and I hate her and she keeps being mean to my boy Dean and I can't handle this and I don't want to know

(I am curious. What ARE his nightmares?)

-

Er excuse me did he just prod his way into finding Michael still in there

Because the other option is that Dean's mind is so utterly scared and scary with all he's been through he literally just out-nightmared a nightmare machine by force of personality.

-

"You don't know my family"

Keep the one liners coming

I'm easily placated by them

-

Cut to: the next morning. He offers his double a chance to get her apology from her father, and books it.

-

Nyoooom back along a CONSIDERABLY less horrifying shot of the same sort of landscape

-

Maggie's back! Everyone loves Maggie. She is the adorable mascot of these people.

Keep the cute pink bunny back at home maybe

Dean gives Sam some affirmation about being the leader of his people.

Now Sam needs to not fold immediately the next time he sees Dean seeing him do something leadery. Deal?

-

Mobby H/C

You know he's vulnerable not because he has his shirt off, but because he has his hat off.

-

These "angel wars" in the AU sound pretty formal.

You know, it would probably be PRETTY HARD to get the average American to fight a war against angels until it's way way waaay too late.

I mean, case in point: we call where they come from, "apocalypse world"

-

"Hunting" "it ends the same." "No." Mary F Winchester puts her foot down. No it ends bloody speeches on her watch! All she has is her optimism but damned if she won't use it!

"I don't know any other way to live" "Then we'll find one"

You are doing a good job and you can save all these dumb guys from themselves.

-

DEAN TALKED TO MAGGIE. HE'S HELPING. HE WENT AND LEADERED HER FOR SAM.

Now have a beer, bro

"She learned from the best, huh? :)"

":)"

-

Awww Mary comes up with AUBobby and they're taking a vacation. Let AUBobby go fishing or something. Good lil Cas parallel Mary fixing her broken warrior with a Donna cabin adventure.

...

Do you not worry a lil about what is out there? Donna comes prepared with a flamethrower.

""relaxing"" """vacation"""

-

Anyway best reason ever given on the entire show for a set of characters not to be in the next couple of episodes, second to "Cas is taking his son out to teach him to hunt some more"

-

Bobby has a clean new formal black mourning cap to deal with fresh memories of Daniel

-

Sam getting the leadership baton from a representative of Bobby who he may see more as Bobby than perhaps he ought. AUBobby says he's not sure he ever had it in him to be a leader, while our Bobby was the undisputed best at what he did and as much as he may have complained, his competency is what Sam is now emulating.

-

Mary being "allowed" to go by Dean. "if you need anything... ANYTHING..." *grabs his shoulder and shakes him* You're starting to turn into the mom in a movie who leaves the kids behind and without supervision they throw a wild party to rebel against you stifling them. SO not the dynamic, but that's the licking a thumb and pressing down a stray bit of hair type momming she's doing all of a sudden.

"Go. Be happy." :')

HUGS FOR THE BOY. That's 2 whole onscreen dean hugs this season.

-

Aww Dean talking to Garth :')

Sam and Dean in synchronicity, talking to ALL their hunter network, not just Jody plus the AU peeps

-

Though. Sam has implemented a buddy system.

Dorky camp counsellor that he is.

-

Dean should get him a ceremonial whistle for Christmas.

-

"Move on from what I - from what we - from what he did"... Dean. Buddy.

Go lie down.

That's some of the most intense blurring of self ever, between Dean's guilt, whatever made the djinn scream in horror to delve his head, and his symbolic blending with Michael as the Michaelsword...

-

"Starting to feel like myself again... almost..." shakes his head and starts heading out to go watch more movies, sad that halloween is passed so no more slashers on every channel

-

"We'll work harder" "how, you sleep 3 hours at night" "then I'll sleep 2" *Dean gives him the NO look*

Well there's a great representation of how their issues mess themselves up and they carve away their sense of self and their health for each other.

-

Seriously. What did the djinn SEE. What nightmares are in my boy's head? Oh god I'm stressed.

-

What happened to the 1900s groundskeeper, Don?

[frances-fucking-farmer]

I’ve Had a Broken Heart:

How the revival of Frances Farmer’s story served as a personal revival

During the darkest moments of my life, I discovered the story of Frances Farmer, an actress who was stripped of everything she had known due to her own personal demons. Her complicated narrative is marked by the details of arrests and imprisonment in institutions, but her legacy is much more than that. Almost 90 years have passed since she first made headlines with the controversial essay, “God Dies,” but now I hope to see to it that she is finally making the headline that she never made during her lifetime: one of hope.

The life of Frances Farmer is well-established in the headlines as one of Hollywood’s greatest tragedies. Perhaps that is due in part to the strong desire we have to bury our own problems in the deepest corners of our minds and focus on the pain of others, as told through the tabloids. The real tragedy is that she never had the opportunity to tell her story, but rather she was forced to defend it and portray herself as the media saw fit. Regardless, it was the revival of this character in film and song that I credit my own revival.

I was a sophomore in college the first time I heard the name, Frances Farmer. My public speaking class had been assigned to research and present on the informative topic of our choosing, and I opted to read my speech titled: “Mental Health in American Society.” I spent weeks researching the long-standing crisis, dedicating much of my time to learning about the cruel and inhumane treatments of patients during the early to mid-1900s. It was while working on this project that I became fascinated by her story and though a college assignment had provided her entrance into my life, it was a nervous breakdown during my twenties that truly introduced the two of us.

Known for my adoration of all things Jessica Lange, I discovered one of her greatest films, Frances, during an evening of wine and sadness. While the picture took a creative and exaggerated approach, Lange’s portrayal of Frances ultimately stripped the character down and made her appear as something the media rarely allowed her to be, and that was human. Looking past the outbursts, the anger, and the arrests, I saw a rebellious woman whose only true crime was her extraordinary and tireless search for peace. As I read her book later on, I only felt deeper toward that same belief.

Born in 1913, the Seattle native never had a chance to simply be. With dreams of becoming a writer, the 17 year published an essay titled “God Dies,” that ultimately won first prize in a contest sponsored by The Scholastic, a magazine for high school students. Rather than showing support for the young writer who had just won a national contest, the town responded by calling out the nature of her composition, strictly acting on illiberal fear. She described this as a defining moment in her life where for the first time she “found out how stupid people could be.” The essay detailed how she felt toward God, trying to justify him as a father figure of sorts and raised the question how, if he were just, then why would he help her find a favorite hat she had lost yet allow one of her classmates to lose both parents. How was this fair? She never outright denied God, but rather wanted answers to validate her experiences.

Years later while attending college, Frances won another contest that required selling subscriptions to a leftist newspaper. The town was yet again roused by her decision to accept the prize of a trip to communist Russia, yet her true purpose for traveling was to see the Moscow Art Theater and return to New York. Here she would rent a room with money from her refunded bus ticket to Seattle and immerse herself in the world of theater, which she considered to be true artistry. She soon attracted the attention of a Paramount talent scout, and within the next year she had been cast in two major films: Rhythm on the Range and Come and Get It. It was 1936 and Frances had just turned 23 years old.

Although success was instant, she treated staring in pictures as just another step toward her true desire to perform in the theater. Fighting for a dream is enough to shake anyone, but Frances was also fighting the studio and her mother - physically, mentally, and emotionally. She resented the life that the studio attempted to create for her; the glamorous lifestyle, the parties and premieres, and the constant casting of her in lackluster roles in B movies. Meanwhile in Seattle, her mother was ever-present in keeping up appearances and letting the town know that her daughter was now an alluring movie star.

In 1942, the life Frances was contracted to live collided with the one that she had been living. Alcohol was becoming a friend of the actress, and provided her the comfort of feeling numb. The decade was spent in and out of mental asylums where she was subjected to the many inhumane, torturous treatments used during that era of mental health rehabilitation, something I had learned in my college research years prior. She eventually regained legal control of her life and moved to Indiana where she wrote poetry and hosted her own television show. She passed away in 1970 at the age of 56.

While most desire to know the worst of her story, I feel that the 1940s did not define Frances as much as it defined the cruelty of those around her. As I familiarized myself with her narrative, I realized that did not see Frances as a patient, but as a broken human. She was strong-willed, outspoken, and a fighter during a time where women were expected to sit down and be quiet. Intuitive and fearless, she was stripped of everything she had known and made to believe she was insane, yet I think the true insanity lies within the minds of those who tried to tame her honest rebellion.

I found comfort in the spirit of Frances during the worst time in my life, when I began hiding myself away in the comfort of the four walls that surrounded me. At 18, I was awarded a scholarship to attend school for music; uninterested in academics, I used the opportunity to move to the city I had long desired to reside in. Six years later, I had moved away to find some peace, and to simply be alone. I was living in a top floor apartment overlooking the beautiful Old Hickory lake, yet I kept the blinds closed. The darkness was comforting, as was my new dependence on the bottle. Alcohol had only been an acquaintance up until this point, but had become a dear companion in recent months. During the first 24 years of my life, I had gone through severe bouts of depression, but I knew this time that it was more severe. It felt as if I were standing along the edge of a blade, ready to slip and fall at any moment, to break and to bleed from the lack of balance. And it was balance that I lacked as I overlooked the depth that served as my descent into madness.

I can pinpoint the moment that I felt my world begin to shake: Father’s Day 2017. Throughout my childhood, I regarded the day as a passing thought as I never really found a close bond with my father other than a 60 second phone call every three years. I had not seen him in over two years, but a strong urge took me to visit on this day. He died that night, and he took with him my hope to reconnect with him as well as my three younger sisters. Upon returning to Nashville after the service, I began drinking and it seemed as if I were losing every part of who I had been. What remained was being torn away, piece by piece. I had been refused a job due to my looks, being deemed “unfuckable” by the CEO. My next opportunity was short lived, as the company soon folded and provided a ten minute notice. I returned to retail to make ends meet for the time being. I became infatuated with a man who promised me the world, but instead stole the innocence I held close. After that night, the notion that I had control of anything had diminished to nothing. My depression and anxiety were now running my life, instead of moving within it. I lost my retail job because of my inability to turn it off, and I repeated the process with my next position. The bottle of vodka on the shelf followed me to work, and I began drinking on the job. I could no longer force a smile, and I found myself picking fights with my co-workers and customers just to feel something. I wanted to be angry or sad; I would settle to be anything but numb. It was after the new year that my boss let me go - and I let go of myself.

The loss of my job had been my breaking point. I had nothing left except for my sanity, which was escaping my grasp. Slowly, then quickly. I had pushed away everyone I had ever known, which left me completely alone with the exception of the liquor - I received my first DUI that same week. The culmination of everything was too much to live within the walls of my mind, much less share with my mother, who only offered me the chance to come home. She always heard my words, yet never truly listened to anything that I said. How could I return to the place that tossed me out, that was my first understanding at how cold the world could be? It was in my weakness that I finally relented and spent days on her sofa, realizing that the home I had come home to was no longer my home. I had nowhere to go and nothing left to lose; I broke.

It was during this time that I first saw Frances and I, for lack of better words, fell in love with her. Every emotion I felt in the deepest part of my soul, I watched as she was portrayed by Jessica Lange in the same essence. She was this deeply driven, independent, one way kind of woman who never chose to pick her battles. She fought for what she thought was best, even if it came down to tearing her apart. She knew what she wanted, and she knew that trying to live those dreams would eventually destroy her in the end. Frances had a lot of demons, something I was learning about for myself. I knew what it felt like to be taunted by your entire town, and what it felt like to chase after a dream in the big city. I knew what it meant to live with a rebellious spirit and still be told how to live. I knew what it meant to have those demons control the deepest part of your soul. And to be someone I had never known, much less lived within the same time as, I felt this parallel between our lives.

Truthfully, we are all just actors in this masquerade; I played the part just as she had. I fought for so long to be more than I was, and when I dropped my mask for the whole world to see, no one was more surprised than me.  I believe the world tends to find those who have no boundaries and rein them in, to break them. It is a dangerous place for a woman with determination and a dream; times have not changed from her time to mine. We are all vulnerable, and they often wait until the first thread breaks before they assist in our unraveling. This is how I see the life of Frances Farmer; this is also how I see my own. However, I was given something that she was never granted: a chance.

For the rest of her life, Frances was forced to relive the worst moments of her life for the world to see, most infamously on This is Your Life. An opportunity to defend herself turned into a reminiscing of her greatest tragedies. I truly don’t believe that she ever found peace befitting her efforts to regain control, and sadly that’s where her story ends. But not mine…not yet. Looking back at my own collapse, I realize some will say that I suffered a nervous breakdown, and I would not be apt to disagree. Others would say nothing more than how I must have had a real bad day - I guess they’re right, too. How do you take such a time and give it a single answer that makes sense? The truth is somewhere within it all. The only thing I do know for a fact is that, regardless of our stories, each life matters in the end. As Frances famously asked, and it is with sincerity that I can answer, “yes, I have had a broken heart.”

[darknessfactor]

Prompt: Post-CW. Romanogers. Steve has saved Bucky, and he's rescued his friends, but Natasha is still eluding him, and he realizes that he would tear apart the whole world to find her.

A/N: It’s been 84 years… actually I don’t even remember when I got this prompt because Tumblr asks don’t have timestamps.  Anyway!  I was supposed to write this a LONG time ago and I… didn’t.  So I’m doing it now.

Steve starts in Moscow.  

It’s a little bit on-the-nose, but going to the Barton farm is out of the question (especially since Clint’s there, on house arrest), and he doesn’t know any of Nat’s other haunts.  If she’d ever talked about the months after the fall of S.H.I.E.L.D., he might have a better idea of where to look.

Nat’s never been the talkative type, though.

So, Moscow it is.  One of the fake IDs from T’Challa is enough to get him across the border and into Russia, and his dyed hair and stubble is enough for most people to not look at him twice.  He’s thinking he’ll let the beard grow a bit, to keep his face from being recognized.  He keeps a careful eye out for cameras as he walks down the street, checking in at a little hostel where the receptionist is only a little bit critical of his accented Russian.

(It’s almost easier to speak Russian than it is the other languages he’s amassed over time.  Natasha had been teaching him, and would slip into it at random moments to keep him on his toes.  She’s said that his accent probably can’t be helped.  “But at least you can ask where the bathroom is,” she’d said, smirking.)

He’s playing the part of a tourist, but one that was born in Russia, whose parents moved to Switzerland shortly after his birth.  That’s how he explains the accent when one of the women in the communal kitchen asks him about it.  He’s able to chat amiably enough with the other hostel residents, asking them about the sights in Moscow and where he ought to go.

Someone mentions the Bolshoi, and his mind clicks.  He asks directions to the theatre, giving a nod of thanks at the man who tells him.  He heads there, wearing his customary baseball cap to keep the sun out of his eyes and a light jacket.  

Steve doesn’t find anything at the Bolshoi Theatre, which doesn’t surprise him.  He knew that expecting Natasha to be in Moscow was a long shot, but he also knew that he had to start somewhere.  He stays in the city a few more days, wandering around, trying to find some kind of clue as to where Natasha might be, but there’s nothing.

After day four, he leaves.  He can’t afford to stay in one place for long, anymore.

Steve is a bit more suited to life on the run than he thought he’d be.

The only other time he’s had to deal with it was in D.C., and then it had felt wrong, as though he were sticking out like a sore thumb.  It’s easier now - easier to roll with it, to use his ‘natural awkwardness’ (Natasha’s words) to his advantage.  Most people look at him and see a good-looking, kind of bumbling guy, and it works, somehow.

He has a couple of close calls.  He’s fairly sure he gets made in Monaco, but he books it over to Nice on a bus before he can see who’s after him.  He takes a ferry to Moracco and loses himself in the blistering sun for a while.  There’s still no hide nor hair of Nat, but everyone else has checked in with him multiple times.  

Wanda is somewhere in Hong Kong, apparently with a shaved head, color contacts, and heavier makeup.  She explains that it’s a disguise that she and Natasha worked out before everything went to shit, and Steve rolls his eyes at Natasha’s ‘creative streak’.  

“You probably could’ve found something a little more low-key,” he points out.

“I am told that that is ‘no fun’.”

Sharon’s playing things close to the chest, slipping back to America and keeping a low profile in Chicago, of all places.  Their conversations are friendly, and she gets a laugh out of Steve more than once, but it settles into something more like friendship than what he thought it might be back in Berlin.  Either way, he’s always glad to hear she’s doing alright.

Clint and Scott don’t check in - too risky for their families.  Sam, however, is currently running around in Cape Town, enjoying the sights, but also keeping an eye out.

“Last person to see her that we know is probably Tony,” he says, during his phone call.  “And even then I doubt she said ‘hey Stark, I’m going on the run now, you can reach me at this address’.  Not exactly her style, you know?”

Steve snorts.  “Nah, her style is more ‘see you never’ and then jumping out a window.”

“Kinda like you?”

“I wouldn’t open the window first.”

“What makes you think she would?”

Steve huffs a laugh.

“Look, man… I doubt we’re gonna find her unless she wants to be found.  No news is good news - if we’ve heard nothing, then it means that she’s probably fine.  Sitting on a beach somewhere, drinking vodka cranberries.  Something with vodka.  So why are you so hung up on finding her?”

Steve pauses for a moment, and lets out a long breath.  “She didn’t have to do what she did,” he says.  “She risked everything to help me and Bucky.  Her heart was in the right place more than any of us, and it feels wrong that I just… left her to the consequences.”

“She got out,” Sam says quietly.  “She must have.  It’d be all over the headlines if she hadn’t.”

“I know.”

“Look,” Sam says.  “My advice?  Be patient.  When she wants you to find her, she’ll let you know.”

Steve’s about five months in to his status as a fugitive when the rumors start.  He’s started to build connections outside of the law, even though some of the characters he meets are… less than savory.  Still, it makes it easier to have contacts that know the goings-on of the international underworld.

If any of them recognize him, they never show it.  Instead, they start nicknaming him ‘Nomad’.

“Big guy like you,” says Rajiv, his contact in India, “you could probably pick up a few jobs.  Make some money.”

Steve has been gathering money from various caches that Natasha had insisted he set up after S.H.I.E.L.D. fell, but even though he’s been frugal it’s starting to run dry.  He considers the idea - mercenary work isn’t exactly all that different than avenging, although it often involves more dirty work.  But when he’s playing cards with his contact in Vancouver, he hears some interesting news.

“There’s a new merc on the scene,” Mina tells him.  She owns the bar they’re sitting in, and runs guns through it.  “Rising star, gaining infamy fast.  Like, crazy fast.  Never fails a job.  She’s good.”

Steve pauses, glancing at his cards.  He’s shit at poker, but it’s the best way to loosen Mina’s tongue.  “Uh-huh?”

Mina smirks.  “All the ones who get their weaponry from me are pissed to hell and back.  Lotta people want to give the best jobs to her.  Never gives a proper name, though, so everyone just calls her Recluse.  Kinda funny, huh, Nomad.”

“Maybe she copied me,” Steve says blandly.

“Maybe, if you’d actually taken any jobs,” Mina retorts.  “C’mon, Nomad, everyone who’s worth anything can see that you’re good in a fight.  I got a few clients around here who’d be willing to pay you some good money.”

“Recluse, huh?” Steve asks.  “I’ll think about it.”

Later, he’s the one to contact Sam.  Sam’s voice is groggy, like Steve had just woken him up, but Steve doesn’t give him time to recover.  “What’ve you got on a merc named Recluse?”

“A merc?” Sam groaned.  “What, are we gonna be vigilantes, now?  We taking out big-name mercs?”

“Not sure yet.”

Sam grumbles for a moment, but his voice is more alert when he speaks next.  “Recluse, huh?  You know, I think I have heard the name come up a few times.  No one knows her name, but she’s good.  Doesn’t fail a job.  She’s getting expensive quickly.”

“Yeah, that’s what I heard, too,” Steve says.  “You think it might be…?”

Sam pauses, then starts laughing.  Steve opens his mouth to explain his reasoning, but Sam beats him to the punch.

“Nah, sorry,” he says, still laughing.  “I’m not laughing because - because I think it’s ridiculous, it’s just - “  He chortles some more.  “You ever heard of the recluse spider?”

‘Nomad’ ends up taking a job in Amsterdam.  He’s just starting out, so he’s aware that he doesn’t have too many choices, but he manages to get a job taking out a human trafficking boss, and he doesn’t feel all that guilty for that.  

It’s fairly simple - he pulls on a mask, beats the shit out of the guy’s security, and breaks the guy’s neck.  He grimaces afterwards, but the job is done, and at least it was quick.  He would’ve preferred to detain the guy, but he’s had to get his hands dirty before, and now that he’s a ghost, it’s harder to avoid it.

He gets a hefty sum for his work (in cash, thankfully), and a slap on the back from his contact in the city.  It’s the first building block for his reputation, and the more jobs he takes, the more people are buzzing about him.  He’s careful to dial down his strength as much as he can, so that the various agencies in the world looking for Steve Rogers hear about Nomad and only think about a dangerous but normal mercenary.

“Kicking ass and taking names, Cap,” Sam says, during his next call.  “Man, what will people say?”

“A guy’s gotta eat,” Steve answers.

Eventually, he gets asked for by Samia, a retired mercenary living in Algiers, who tells him that she’s got ‘a real big score’ lined up for him.  He scouts out around her house before he rings the doorbell, but it’s not Samia who answers.

He feels like he’s been expecting this moment for months, but it still takes him by surprise.

The hair is the biggest change.  It’s a platinum blond, now, and it’s short again.  The green tac suit is new, too, as are the unusual batons she’s wielding.  The smirk she’s wearing as she looks at him, though, is familiar.

“‘Bout time, Nomad,” she teases, waving him inside.

Steve nods at her.  “Recluse.”

She looks pleased.

Samia’s eyeing the two of them from the entrance to her kitchen, but she doesn’t seem that alarmed by their exchange.  “Didn’t know you two knew each other,” she says.

“We don’t,” they say at the same time.

The job is more of a heist than anything else, but Natasha makes it look natural.  They break into a mansion in Malta that has more security than most agency buildings, grab a flash drive from the owner’s bedroom (with the owner sleeping, in the bed, not five feet away from the safe they crack).  They’re in and out, no one’s the wiser, and they split their earnings between them.

Steve half-expects... well, he isn’t sure what to expect.  He’s grateful, though, when Natasha doesn’t disappear on him, instead accompanying him back to the hotel he’s staying in.  He sends her an exhausted, but grateful, smile when she suggests she go buy them some celebratory vodka.

“I know you like vodka,” she calls as she leaves, having changed into street clothes.  “Even if it can’t get you drunk.”

Steve takes the time to shower as quickly as possible (the water in his bathroom isn’t always guaranteed to work), and changes into jeans and a sweater just before Natasha gets back.  Her eyes are warm as she waves the bottle at him, holding up two glasses.

“Where’d you get those?” Steve asks.

“Borrowed ‘em.”

Steve rolls his eyes.

Even though it’s been nearly a year since they last saw each other (and that hadn’t been under the best of circumstances), their conversation is light and casual.  When he relaxes enough it feels like she’s never been gone, and it’s only when he remembers that that he realizes just how much he missed her.

“So,” he says, pouring himself another shot.  “Mercenary work?”

Natasha shrugged.  “It’s familiar,” she said.  At his raised eyebrow, she elaborated, “it’s what I did before S.H.I.E.L.D.”

“Thought you were with the K.G.B.”

“I was.”  Natasha paused, a haunted look appearing in her eyes.  “This was... in-between, I guess.  I burned down the Red Room and ran away, and becoming a merc was the only thing I could think of to survive.  It was a rough time.  Kinda surprised that you picked it up, though.”

Steve chuckled.  “Sam figured it out, and I couldn’t really think of a better way to send a message back.  Figured you’d know it was me.”

“Big, buff guy named Nomad pulls off jobs with ruthless efficiency only a little bit after I started building a new rep?”  She elbows him lightly.  “Yeah, it wasn’t hard to figure out.”

“It’s not so terrible,” Steve admitted.  “Nice to be able to pick and choose stuff.  Most of the time.”

They fell silent, after that.  Their glasses forgotten, they opted instead to pass the bottle back and forth between them.  Natasha didn’t seem to be the least bit affected by the alcohol, something that Steve had learned not to question.

Steve finally musters the courage to say, “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For leaving you to deal with the fallout.  At Leipzig.”

Natasha shrugs.  “I had it handled.  Stark gave me a head start.  Which, he was smart enough to know that giving me any kind of head start meant that he wouldn’t be able to find me.”

“Still,” Steve says.  “You shouldn’t have had to deal with that on your own.”

Natasha’s smile is hollow, this time.  “It wouldn’t be the first time.”

The smart thing to do would be for them to split up after Algiers - to go their separate ways so that they have less of a chance of being caught.

They don’t.

Instead, Steve and Natasha end up masquerading everywhere as a tourist couple.  Either that, or (when they find a job worth their time) they partner up for work.  It reminds Steve of back when they were partners at S.H.I.E.L.D., even though that feels like a lifetime ago.  

Pretending to be a couple is almost ridiculously easy - mostly because they like to try to one-up each other with how sickeningly in love their covers are.  Natasha’s currently winning, having actually recited poetry while they watched the sunset.  (It was somewhat ruined by Steve almost falling over laughing, once they were back at their hotel and away from prying ears.)

Doing mercenary work is even easier.  They barely have to talk to anticipate each other’s moves, and planning the jobs is familiar, a relic from their days leading the Avengers together.  It’s comfortable, but they’re both careful to keep it from getting too comfortable - always moving on, never quite trusting their contacts in the underworld.

Steve calls Sam two weeks into their partnership.

“Told you so,” Sam says, when Steve explains.

“Hi Sam,” Nat says into the receiver, appearing out of nowhere next to Steve and making him jump and glare at her.  She wiggles her fingers at him and then heads to the bathroom to shower.

“Hi Nat,” Sam says, sounding amused.

They’re in a hotel in Tokyo when something shifts.  Steve isn’t sure what it is, only that suddenly their hotel room is too confining, and he tells Natasha that he’s going for a quick walk.  The streets in Ikebukuro aren’t as brightly lit as other parts of the city, but they calm his sudden anxiety, and he takes longer than he’d expected, wandering the city.  

When he gets back, Natasha’s somehow managed to fit herself on the windowsill, staring down at the street below them.  She turns her head and shoots him a tired smile.

“You didn’t have to wait up for me,” he says.

“Couldn’t sleep.”

Sleep for Natasha doesn’t seem to happen very often, from what he’s noticed, but this is the first time she’s admitted it out loud.  Before he can put too much thought into what he’s doing, he settles himself on his bed and pats the space beside him.  It’s not much, but it should be enough room for Natasha.

She raises an eyebrow at him, but Steve just gazes at her.  After a long moment, she uncurls from the windowsill and lies down next to him, unreserved as she presses into his side.  He wraps an arm around her waist.  

It takes maybe half an hour, but eventually he hears a light snore from her, and smiles.

Steve wakes up to find Natasha wearing a hole in the floor.

“I don’t know how to do this,” Natasha proclaims.

Steve pauses in folding his socks.  “Uh...”

She stops pacing, and turns towards him, jabbing a finger in his direction.  “You.  I like you.”

“I like you too...?”

Natasha makes a frustrated noise, and then takes two steps forward and kisses him.

It’s not exactly new - they’ve been kissing each other whenever they’re in public, selling the idea that they’re a couple.  But this feels more honest than that, and Steve relaxes, settling his hands on her hips.  When she pulls back, she looks a little bit less nonplussed.

They stare at each other, breathing heavily for a few seconds, when Steve says, “You actually had me thinking you were, like... smooth when it came to romance, or something.”

Natasha snorts.  “What gave you that idea?”

“Yeah, obviously I should’ve known better.  Now I’m just grateful that you never actually succeeding at setting me up with someone, seeing as how it obviously would’ve ended in disaster - “

She shuts him up.  Steve doesn’t mind.

[hekate1308]

Making Headlines

More of my Destiel siren!Cas AU. Enjoy!

“I think this would be an excellent idea“ she explains with more patience than she actually feels. “Many people are wondering what exactly draws others towards the monsters and their life style. A piece on the suburban community they founded would draw a lot of interest.”

“If you think so, Bela” her boss replies, clearly bored out of his mind.

She all but storms out of his office. She knows a good story when she sees one, and this one could be excellent.

She only found out about the community per accident – literally. Her car happened to blow a tire not far away from Dean Winchester’s shop, and she quickly made her way there as soon as she saw the sign.

While she was aware that there were several supernatural creatures living nearby – a few rumours had made his way to her desk in the past few years – she was still not prepared for what she found.

As it turned out, she stumbled into the owner’s lunch hour, which he shared with his husband.

The husband who was very  -

Very –

She snapped out of it just as the siren got up. “I’m so sorry. I thought we’d locked the door.”

“It’s no problem” she assured him. “It’s just – one of my tires just blew and –“

“Oh, that’s fixed soon enough” the human (at least she thought so) answered as he stood up. “Excuse me for a moment, sunshine.”

As he kissed his husband, Bela knew she’d found a good story.

Ever since that day, she’s been hooked. Even with monsters being recognized citizens, very few reporters have ever bothered to talk about them. But why shouldn’t they? More importantly, why shouldn’t she?

Her research has shown her that Castiel Winchester gives talks at schools, so they definitely want to be seen and spoken to.

And so she resolutely makes her way to the suburbs one afternoon.

It’s high time the public learns monsters aren’t dangerous, anyway.

She should know. She’s encountered human monsters. Give her a supernatural entity any day.

Soon after she’s found the right street, a red-haired woman accosts her. “Looking for something, dearie?”

Bela knows a warning when she hears one. “Yes” she says simply, “I’m a reporter with the Kansas Magazine, and I’d like to conduct an interview with Dean Winchester and his husband.”

Her eyes narrow. “Why?”

“Inter-species relationships. Always interesting” she says smoothly.

“And what do you hope to achieve?”

She shrugs her shoulders. “To reach more readers, mostly. And quite frankly, I have seen the world of humans – how bad can monsters be?”

“Ah” she says, and Bela has the feeling that she knows more than she’s comfortable with. “Then you do indeed wish to speak to Dean and Cas. The house over there – next to my son’s” she says with pride.

Bela looks at her and wonders what she is, exactly. She’s read up on all the different characteristics of monsters, of course, but there are many who look just like humans.

She seems to realize what she’s thinking, since she suddenly leans towards her, bops her nose and says “Abracadabra”.

Before she understand what’s happening, she’s hovering about two feet high in the air.

“Just a demonstration. Remember what I can do.”

She winks at her, brings her back down to earth and leaves.

If Bela was scared easily, she’d leave now, but she’s never been that.

She rings the bell.

It’s Castiel who opens. He frowns. “Miss Talbot, is everything alright with your –“

“My car is functioning perfectly, thank you” she says. “May I come in? I have an offer I am rather sure you cannot refuse.”

He frowns but steps aside.

Mission accomplished.

Or so she thinks.

She’s only come so far as to explain that she’s planning to write an article about the monster community when the demon shows up.

“Hello, boys. Heard you had a visitor.”

His eyes are blood red and he grins somewhat maniacally as he waves at her. She takes a deep breath and forces herself to stay calm. She has met enough evil from humans; one demon isn’t enough to scare her.

“Bela Talbot” she introduces herself. He raises an eyebrow.

“An actually respectable reporter? And one who’s seeking for attention at the same time? Of course you found your way here.”

“Crowley” Dean says.

“What? I am just pointing out to this young lady that I don’t like to see my family being used...”

“Family?” she asks, baffled. Being neighbours with a demon is one thing, but family?

Dean sighs, then explains, “To keep it short, Crowley was dying, we had to perform a ritual so he wouldn’t, and now we’re all officially one big happy family according to demon tradition. You sure you still want to hang around?”

She nods. She needs a big story, and she won’t flee now that she’s found one simply because monsters seem to have original interpretations when it comes to certain words. Like family.

Family never meant anything good to her anyway.

“Alright, then. What would this deal of yours entail?” Crowley asks, sitting down as if he belongs there (and he probably does, considering the story with the ritual, she realizes). “I’m somewhat of an expert when it comes to deals, you know.”

“He really is. You could say it’s kind of what demons do” Dean says.

She tells them.

Castiel – or Cas, as Dean calls him – seems cautious. “Yes, I go to schools and tell children about us, hoping to do away with some of the prejudices that still haunt us, but are you sure an article would be the right thing?”

“If it is well researched and impeccably written yes, and it will be” she says matter-of-factly.

“And of course it would be when you are writing it?” Dean asks. There’s something in his eyes she doesn’t like, something that looks a little too much like understanding, and she’s never wanted that.

“Naturally.”

“Okay, but I’ll speak to our lawyer first.”

“You have your own –“

“My brother. He’s the best” Dean says proudly.

She nods. “That’s only fair.”

“Good, then. We’ll be in touch.”

“And in case you are planning anything” Crowley loudly announces, “I’ll be in touch. And you don’t want that.”

“Crowley –“

“It’s quite alright” she hastens to say, “I know when I’ve overstayed my welcome.”

But she has an in.

Now all she has to do is get the story.

Getting the story doesn’t prove as easy as she thought it would.

Sam Winchester, when she meets him for lunch, is polite but clearly sceptical; as a matter of fact, he has printed out several of her old articles. “It seems to me that you are rather fond of a... dramatic style of storytelling, and we don’t want that. We want people to see that monsters have feelings too, that they are people.”

“Drama always sells. But in this case, it wouldn’t be necessary. People are going to read anything as long as it’s got monsters in the title.”

“So you are interested in a faithful portrayal?”

“Oh yes, I...” she trails off when she sees several women in long dresses and coats enter the restaurant.

Sam turns around. “Oh, those are selkies. Never go anywhere without their coats.”

“I have been here more than once, and I’ve never seen a single monster.”

“Oh, that’s me” Sam says matter-of-factly. “Didn’t Dean tell you what might happen if you stick around for too long?”

“No?”

“Just as you can get used to magic, the magic can get used to you. One day you’re living your normal life, the next a hobgoblin is going through your sock drawer.”

She stares at him. He shrugs. “Like I said, one gets used to it.”

“And how will I know when it happens?”

“Trust me, the signs are obvious.”

She does her piece anyway, after a few negotiations, Cas being especially adamant that they are represented exactly as they are.

Within days, she runs into a very specific problem.

Humans, Bela knows and mostly despises. Humans are annoying at best and cruel at worst – she’s known that since she was a child.

But monsters?

True, it undoubtedly also has to do with them wanting to look their best in her article, but –

They aren all so nice to her.

Even Crowley eventually greets her friendly, because, as he says, he appreciates “anyone who tries to make a quick buck”.

Dean and Cas are always ready to answer any questions, and they are so smitten with one another it’s not even funny. She believes the siren when he explains he hasn’t felt hunger in years; he’ll never feel it again if Dean has any say in the matter, that much is obvious.

Sam stays over so often he’s beginning to wonder why he has his own apartment in the first place.

Crowley zaps in at all times of the day and indeed has the carte blanche when it comes to Dean and Cas’ house; she soon learns to respect, even to like him, although he is a demon.

Soon enough, she learns that he came close to death a while ago because he chose to live amongst humans and monsters instead of his own kind, and when she asks him why, he sighs. “Is it really that difficult to understand why I’d rather be here? Because it seems to me it should be obvious.”

And that’s the frustrating thing.

With Charlie and Gilda dragging her off to “girls night” which in their case means dealing with a pixie nest in their garden, Rowena showing her the best herbs against her “monthly plague pain” as she calls it, Dean and Cas being the very openly beloved leaders of their little community but still always making time for her...

She’s starting to like the all a great deal.

And Bela Talbot doesn’t like others. She doesn’t. She hasn’t since she was a girl, and fro a very good reason.

Just like Sam predicted, magic starts creeping into her everyday life. First it’s just little things; monsters frequenting her usual restaurants, the plant she keeps on her desk in her office blooming for the very first time, a few bird flying by her window every morning and singing.

Then it gets worse. She bumps into hobgoblins and pixies, one even shows up at her work place, and she realizes she has to make a decision.

Live this normal life she’s fought so hard for, even though it hasn’t brought her much happiness, or join those most people still think of as freaks?

The article is almost done anyway.

The article is a success; within two weeks she has received job offers from other, larger news agencies and her editor is fighting to keep her.

She decides to become a freelancer. She’s thought about it from time to time, and this has finally given her enough of a reputation to do it. True, she’ll have to travel and work a lot, but it’s what she’s always wanted.

She invites Dean and Cas to dinner to celebrate.

“Have to say, it was a good article. And brought even more clients into my shop” Dean says.

“I am glad to hear it.” And to her surprise, she actually is.

Dean chuckles. “Bet you’re happy your life’s going to go back to normal.”

“It can be somewhat... shocking to suddenly find oneself closely linked to the supernatural” Cas supplies.

Right, she suddenly realizes with a sinking heart. This could well be the last time she sees any of them.

She’s still pondering that when Dean says, “You’re gonna travel a lot, right? So you’ll probably put your things in storage somewhere.”

“Likely, yes.”

“Just saying – but if you ever want a home base again, you might want to check the real estate around our place. Good prizes, and the neighbours are supposed to be pretty nice.”

She knows what this would mean, of course.

A lifetime of monsters. Real monsters.

Who have been far kinder to her than humans ever were.

She nods. “I’ll think about it.”

[ciaran-nyc]

Week Seven: Greta Thunberg Documentary: "I Am Greta"

1. "Why would I need an education if there is no future?"

When Greta is sitting in front of Parliament and has a discussion with an older woman, she is challenged to go to school so she can eventually make a change. This quote really emphasizes the immediacy of the issue of climate change and why she is taking action. There is the continued narrative that we can continuously push off climate change and telling Greta after she gets an education she can work to make a difference is the issue. Rather than waiting, Greta has opted to leverage the celebrity she has to make a difference.  

"The climate is the defining issue of our time.”

Greta uses this phrase to convey the seriousness of her protest when directly questioned about her motives. This exchange is greatly framed by the age dynamic of Greta and the adult she is speaking with. Greta and her generation will witness the most horrific effects of climate change and she is acutely aware of that.

"Once the climate crisis has gotten your attention, then you can't look away."

After getting the invitation to a UN conference, Greta raises concerns about missing school for her speaking engagement. The viewer is then shown Greta in a classroom as a voiceover is heard stating this quote, implying that Great is preoccupied with her crusade for climate justice. This directly points to the tension of Greta trying to maintain a semi normal life while dedicating her life to a cause.

2. In the beginning of the film, we see Greta’s great determination and tenacity as she sits in front of Parliament unwavering in her cause. She stands firm in the face of criticism and even garners a large crowd of supporters. We then cut to her father as he voices concerns about her doing this and we remember she is just a child and ultimately a person with family members that care for her. When we get glimpses into the interactions she has with her father we see a more unfiltered version of her that is not the strong face of a movement but a vulnerable human being that deserves are sympathy for the emotional toll such work does to any individual.

3. I didn’t know she was on the spectrum, had aspergers, or suffered from depression. I knew nothing of the kind of background she came from, but it was interesting to see how close she was with her father. Additionally, I didn’t know just how well she knew how to manipulate social media and digital platforms to support her message. The scene where she discusses Arnold Schwarzenegger’s following gave me the first indication of her hyper awareness. It’s clear that this knowledge allowed her to substantially grow her base. There is a scene where she is introducing her Fridays for Future campaign and decides to speak in English while encouraging people to record and share her speech, knowing that speaking in English will maximize her potential reach.

4. I didn’t realize at how fast of a rate the Amazon forest is burning; that was rather alarming because I knew it contributed to such a significant portion of the planet’s oxygen production. Additionally, I was unaware of how many different young activists there were across the world.

5. I didn’t realize how quickly the movement grew, I had figured Greta had been working for a considerable amount of time in climate justice. I have a false memory of Greta coming into the spotlight and beginning her work earlier than she did with her celebrity having a slow build. I do remember Greta’s celebrity coming to a peak in 2019 when she embarked on the sailboat to NY, but I was tangentially aware of her because she was frequently in the headlines, not anyone I ever sought out or investigated information about her. I think this movement took off as it did because Greta was such an unlikely leader and her dedication to this effort made others recognize their own privilege and how they could contribute. Greta is also very savvy and well informed; her preparedness and passion make her very charismatic and a leader to who is easy to rally around.

6. Early on in the film, Arnold Schwarzenegger was mentioned to have shared a video of Greta’s on Twitter to his four million followers. Although he is a politician, Emmanual Macron’s global recognition is beyond that of just a politician and has reached a celebrity like status. His meeting with Greta very much served as a cosign of her efforts and added a legitimacy to her as an activist. Her meeting with the Pope also served as a major moment in her being recognized by a figure that is held in the highest regard by an entire religious sect.

7. The Paris Agreement is an international treaty on climate change, adopted by 196 countries in 2015. The goal is to limit global warming below 2 degrees celsius. This goal is difficult to reach because there are so many moving parts and countries that are acting without concern for the climate crisis. Under the Obama Administration, the United States was initially a major proponent of the Paris Agreement, but with the changing of power, Donald Trump backed out the agreement. President Biden has returned to the agreement, but such instability in commitments pose serious threat to accomplishing long term goals over the course of many years.

8. At conferences, Greta was used as a pawn to simply give off the appearance of leaders caring about the climate crisis. Although she was given a platform, Greta’s words were not taken seriously at these events and she voices frustrations about this. Greta’s past bouts with depression led her to withdraw into herself, only speaking to her family and refusing to eat. We see that in the midst of a very raucous crowd, Greta gets overwhelmed and refuses to eat. There is a back and forth argument with her father, where she eventually gives into his demands for her to eat. It is evident in these moments her celebrity status takes a great toll on her mental health. Her dedication to climate justice drives her to seek perfection in her work and, in striving for perfection, she overextends herself, as is apparent when she is crafting a speech in French.

9. I think Greta served as an example, showing that it is possible for all young people to actively make a difference, but teenage girls were most able to recognize themselves in her. The template Greta laid out showed how easy it was to leverage one’s position in the world. For young women and girls in particular, her outspoken nature and strong will defied stereotypical expectations of both gender and age, and demonstrated alternate ways of being. Further, the fame and positive feedback Greta received as a result of her efforts encouraged others to follow in her footsteps.

10. I think this footage really got to the heart of the entire film as she was detailing her struggles on the boat and how she wished she could just live a regular life. The immense pressure Greta is under reflects the responsibility her entire generation will have to undertake to try and save the planet. By highlighting Greta’s pain and vulnerability, her humanity was put in focus and when contextualizing the climate crisis affect on actual people it is harder to deny its impact. I didn’t follow her voyage in real time, but remember it being a popular topic of conversation.

11. Unfortunately, I was unable to participate in the Climate Strike. I was working at a job that if I had missed a day I would have missed a paycheck and potentially lost my shift, so I had to prioritize my financial stability. There was certainly an internal struggle as I wanted to participate, but felt unable to. The choice I made felt selfish, as I was ranking my own interest above the collective good. However, I was not just responsible for myself and had to consider the commitments/promises I made to other people in terms of my bosses/coworkers and family who I would be more dependent on if I lost employment. This tension I experienced, although rather low stakes, forced me to contemplate the idea of how capitalism is often at odds with environmental conservation.

[paleorecipecookbook]

RHR: The Power of Motivational Interviewing, with Ken Kraybill

In this episode we discuss:

Information is not enough to support behavior change

Most of us resist being told what to do

How to guide a conversation to strengthen a person's internal motivation

The difference between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation

MI’s beginnings and growth

Partnership, acceptance, compassion, evocation

OARS: questions that invite people to tell the backstory

Traditional coaching vs. MI coaching

An ally approach vs. an expert approach

Show notes:

ADAPT Health Coach Training Program

The Center for Social Innovation

t3 – Training for organizations, city, counties, and statewide organizations, promoting best practices in working with people who are vulnerable or marginalized in our society.

[smart_track_player url="https://ift.tt/2LRlfBq" title="RHR: The Power of Motivational Interviewing, with Ken Kraybill" artist="Chris Kresser" ]

Chris Kresser:  Ken, thank you so much for being here. I’ve been really looking forward to this interview.

Ken Kraybill:  You are most welcome. I’m happy to join you.

Information is not enough to support behavior change

Chris Kresser:  So, something I’ve been saying quite a bit lately and maybe to the point where people are tired of hearing it, but I really want to get this message across is that information is not enough to support behavior change. We know that only 6 percent of Americans engage in the top five health behaviors. Things like maintaining a healthy weight, not smoking, not drinking too much, getting enough exercise, and getting enough sleep. And it’s not really because they don’t know that those things are healthy. It really comes down to not being able to successfully change their behavior.

And I’ve often said that if information was enough, then Google would solve chronic disease. And so this is why I’ve been really looking forward to talking to you as an expert in motivational interviewing, because I think a lot of people who go into health coaching or become a nutritionist or go into medicine may have the idea that if they just tweak the information that they’re delivering just so, or maybe learn new information that they can get across to their patients or clients, then that will somehow do the trick. But what’s the problem with that kind of thinking?

Only 6 percent of Americans engage in the top five health behaviors—not because they lack the knowledge, but because they’re unable to successfully change their behavior. Learn how to encourage lasting behavior changes with motivational interviewing. 

Ken Kraybill:  Yeah, your comments remind me of a quote that I heard from Bill Fordyce at one point, who was out of the University of Washington, who said that patient education is to behavior change as spaghetti is to a brick wall.

Chris Kresser:  Yeah, I love that. That really gets to the heart of it.

Ken Kraybill:  And I suppose if the spaghetti has been cooked, maybe it will stick a little bit. But generally speaking, it doesn’t stick. And I think that’s just one of those things that we in all fields have convinced ourselves, that somehow it’s education that creates behavior change. And there’s no doubt that it helps. Knowing more about something is helpful. But it’s not quite enough to tip the balance towards people actually acting on it.

And when you just mentioned those five health behaviors, I realized I’m not in the 6 percent, I’m in the 94 percent. But yeah, it’s one of those things that it turns out that motivation itself to change is actually fairly complex. It has different facets to it. And so education, knowing something about something is helpful and important, but not enough.

Chris Kresser:  So why is that, do you think? I mean, most people do probably understand that getting enough sleep and getting enough exercise is important to their health. I mean, we see headlines every day in the news about that. And what is this conflict about? Why is it that it’s so difficult to change?

Ken Kraybill:  Yeah. I think part of it is the dynamic of how the information comes to us. It’s often coming to us from an expert of some sort, whether it’s in writing or spoken. And there’s something about human nature, which I think is healthy, actually, that pushes back when somebody tells us what we ought to do. So I think there’s that at play.

I also think what’s happening is that there are other parts to readying ourselves and then taking action that have to be fulfilled. And that includes being clear to ourselves what are the reasons why we would want to exercise one of those behaviors and practice it more consistently. Another might be how to go about it because each of us has unique ways to go about making changes that we want to make. Another might be how important is it to us. It might be that we have a lot going on in our lives and it’s important at some level, but not so important that we give it priority.

Chris Kresser:  Right.

Ken Kraybill:  It’s also confidence. Confidence is a huge part of this. And so all of those things kind of conspire together, if you will, to determine whether we actually take action.

Chris Kresser:  And it seems to me, I know this is part of the idea of resolving ambivalence in motivational interviewing, which maybe we’ll get to. But a kind of lightbulb for me when I was learning about this several years ago was that we often have good reasons for not changing as well.

Ken Kraybill:  Exactly. I think right in this very moment you and I and anyone listening is ambivalent about something. We have mixed feelings about things. Sometimes it’s about something that’s not all that important, like what am I going to have to eat tonight? Shall I eat Mexican or shall I eat Thai fusion? And sometimes it’s about things that are such deep, dark issues in our lives that we barely want to go there. And so we avoid that. But a lot of the things are around like these health behaviors that you mentioned, as well as attitudes. And so there are many, many things about which we have mixed feelings.

Chris Kresser:  Yeah, an example of that, we had a picnic with some friends last night and mothers and fathers of relatively young kids—our daughter is six, going to be seven soon—and some of the moms were talking about how they are just not getting enough sleep. And they really know they should get to bed earlier, but once they get their kids down to bed, those evening hours are one of the few times they have during the day to do things for themselves, whether it’s to get some work done or read a book or do something pleasurable. And so to me that was a really good example of where it’s not so simple. They know getting to bed earlier is good for their health, but then there are other needs they’re trying to meet as well.

Ken Kraybill:  Yeah, that’s right. Our needs don’t stand in isolation. We have competing needs, or at least co-existing needs. And so which do we give attention to? I often think when I approach a dessert table, you’ll either see people, or sometimes it’s myself, I’ll say something like, “I really shouldn’t, but …” And then of course you decide whether or not you’ll have that dessert or you won’t. And that’s just, the ambivalence is in the air. It’s everywhere.

Chris Kresser:  Right.

Ken Kraybill:  A very natural, normal part of human existence. And it’s not a problem per se, unless we get stuck in it for a long, long time and it starts to really decrease the quality of our lives in some way.

Most of us resist being told what to do

Chris Kresser:  Right. And that voice of “should” and “shouldn’t” gets back to what you said about how most of us resist being told what to do. And whether it’s by somebody outside, some authority figure in our life, or that authority figure voice in our head that we’ve internalized. There’s some famous family lore in my family about how when I was four years old, my mom asked me to do something, and I said, “Mom, you’re not the boss of me. I’m the boss of me.” The classic four- or five-year-old comment, and like I said, I now have a six-year-old, and I’m seeing this dynamic play out in a multigenerational way. So what goes around comes around, as they say. Yeah, and I see it really clearly. There’s something, I’m not sure what it is, but something I think deeply conditioned in us, or it’s maybe even biological, where we resist being changed by someone else or we resist being told what to do.

Ken Kraybill:  Yeah, I think, I mean, there are probably many explanations for it, but I think it is built in biologically, and I think that being able to resist things is a self-protective measure.

Chris Kresser:  Right.

Ken Kraybill:  And you certainly hope that folks will resist not looking both ways before you cross the street or you’ll resist drinking too much, or whatever. But resistance in and of itself is not a bad thing. It can be protective and it can also be problematic. But I think, I mean, I love your examples of yourself and your six-year-old, and I have some grandkids in that age range too. And I always think when I hear that “no” or that pushback, I think, “Wow, that’s great. They’re learning to think for themselves, they’re standing up for themselves,” and that’s, I think, both much better for the future than someone who is just totally compliant all the time. That scares me a bit when I see that.

Chris Kresser:  Right, right. And understanding that ambivalence or sometimes resistance to changes is based often on other needs that you’re trying to meet shifts the frame away from, “I’m bad,” or “I’m unworthy,” or “There’s something wrong with me because I’m not doing what I know I should do,” to “Huh, well I really do want to get more sleep on the one hand, but on the other hand I also want to finish this work project that I’ve fallen behind on,” or “I want to have some fun or enjoyment in my life, and so that’s why I’m staying up later.”

For me just getting, in my own life at least, getting clear on that was really helpful, because it allowed me to move beyond that guilt-blame-shame kind of dynamic that can so often arise when we’re not following through on something that we want to do to, just coming up with strategies that might help me to meet all of those different needs.

Ken Kraybill:  And it’s always best for us to work that out for ourselves. Of course, doing some with someone who is able to help us look at it and shine a light on it is helpful. But just thinking of that example, and imagine that I were to come in and say, “Hey, Chris, you really have to get that project done. You’ve got to do that. You’ve got to stay up and do that.” You’re likely to want to just go to bed.

Chris Kresser:  Right. As soon as you say that, I noticed a shift in myself—“No, actually, it’s more important to get sleep.”

Ken Kraybill:  Or if I said, “Chris, you’ve got to get some sleep, I mean, really, you can do that some other time.” And you’re likely to dig in a little bit. I don’t know you that well, but most people are going to say, “Well, no, I’m going to, darn it, I’m going to stay up and finish this thing.”

Chris Kresser:  Yeah.

Ken Kraybill:   But it’s a perverse way of motivating people to try to push in that direction, and it’s also why we’ve got some research when, for instance, somebody is a heavy drinker and medical professionals and friends and family have said over and over and over again, “You’ve got to stop drinking. You’ve got to stop drinking.” What will happen is they’ll continue drinking, but not only that, they’ll actually go out and drink even more than they had been drinking.

Chris Kresser:  Right.

Ken Kraybill:  I think that the dynamic there that has something to do with, “You can’t tell me what to do.”

Chris Kresser:  “You’re not the boss of me, mom. I’m the boss of me.”

Ken Kraybill:  Exactly.

Chris Kresser:  That four-year-old voice is still there. So this is probably a good segue. We’ve already, of course, been talking about some key concepts of motivational interviewing, but I think a lot of my listeners are probably not familiar with motivational interviewing. So maybe we could back up and just, from a 30,000-foot view, what is MI, motivational interviewing? Which we’ll refer to as MI now so that we don’t have to say that over and over. And maybe tell us briefly about the history of MI, where it got its start, and how it’s being applied today.

How to guide a conversation to strengthen a person's internal motivation

Ken Kraybill:  Yeah, happy to do that. You're stressing MI. I often know that medical professionals hear “MI” and they hear “myocardial.”

Chris Kresser:  Heart attack, heart attack. Yeah.

Ken Kraybill:  Or people from the state of Michigan hear their own state. Yeah, so there are many ways to describe MI. One of my favorites comes from Stephen Rollnick, who has co-authored a lot of these books with William Miller, who basically says this about practicing kindness with skill. And particularly in the context of having a conversation with people about change. How do we practice kindness with that person but in a skillful way? So that's one way to think about it.

I also like to just basically think of it as it's a way of talking with people about change related to things that we’ve got mixed feelings about. And that can be all manner of things, many of which you mentioned, exercise, diet, alcohol or other drug use, risky sexual behaviors, school- or job-related concerns, spiritual practices, and the list goes on.

Chris Kresser:  Yeah.

Ken Kraybill:  The by-the-book definition is something along the lines of a collaborative conversation style for strengthening a person's own motivation and commitment to change. And I put emphasis on “style” because I think what happens oftentimes is people hear about motivational interviewing, and sometimes it gets packaged in a way that's meant to be bought and sold, if you will.

Chris Kresser:  Right.

Ken Kraybill:  And it gets narrowed down to this formulaic way of talking with people, and that's kind of MI, but it's really not because it's a very relationship-based way of communicating that has a lot of heart and soul to it. But it also has a skillfulness around how do you guide that conversation to strengthen the person's already existing motivation. So that's another piece of that definition that kind of defies our own typical way of thinking about things. Because we so often, we think about motivational speakers, we think about needing to motivate somebody or get them to do something.

And as soon as we fall into that line of thinking, we've actually, we become controllers and we become, I even go so far as to say it's an exercise in practicing violence, or at least violating people's own self-determination and own ability to think for themselves and decide for themselves.

So yeah, collaborative conversation, it's a partnering kind of way. So there are two people in the room, at least two people, and both of them have expertise in particular areas. And so that's another way of thinking about that piece of it as well. There is a nice sort of elevator definition that I like too and it basically is helping people talk themselves into changing.

Chris Kresser:  Yeah, I like that one a lot. It just gets right to the heart of it.

Ken Kraybill:  But as you can hear in that, the necessary mindset and shift is that you have to let go of your own sense of urgency or need to get the person to change.

Chris Kresser:  Right.

Ken Kraybill:  And instead trust the fact that the person already has pretty much everything they need with them then to make that decision for themselves. And then we help them, we shine a light on it. Help them articulate it and help them share it in new and fuller ways and have a deeper conversation with themselves about that.

Chris Kresser:  So I know I asked you to talk about the history, and I still would like to hear a little bit about that. But I just want to pause and hone in on this a little bit because to me, this is one of the key concepts for everybody to understand about not only motivational interviewing as an approach or methodology, but about change in general. This idea of people talking themselves into change rather than some external authority figure being the motivating factor for change is really crucial and in some ways radical. Because it really, it goes against most of what we've experienced in our lives.

Most of us grew up being either told what to do or advised what to do by our parents, then our teachers, also they’re giving us direction about what we should and shouldn't do, and then maybe we had sports coaches that were doing the same thing. And then maybe we get a job and we have supervisors or bosses that are also operating from that more kind of conventional framework. And I think this idea is actually pretty unconventional and maybe not what people have experienced. So I’d like to dive into it a little bit more.

Several years ago I read books by Alfie Kohn and others that talk about the difference between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivation, meaning coming from within, and extrinsic, meaning coming from without. How does that dovetail with what we’re talking about here?

The difference between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation

Ken Kraybill:  Yeah, it’s very, very much apropos. I think, just to be clear, it is possible to get somebody to do something different for a time, but it doesn't produce change, at least in terms of a change that's likely to persist. What it often produces is conformity, which we often mistake for change, I think. And there's probably a place for that, but if we’re really looking for somebody to be able to not only make the change, but then sustain it—because that's really the difficulty for many of us, it's not that we can't make that first step, it’s the second and third and fourth steps that become more difficult—and that's when intrinsic motivation, or internal motivation, is going to be the major player to make that happen. And that's when the spaghetti sticks, is internal. I’m not sure if that metaphor works anymore.

Chris Kresser:  No it makes sense, it makes sense.

Ken Kraybill:  So I think about situations where you might have somebody in a hospital setting, or some kind of a setting. You get them to take their medicine or get them to do their rehab, but are they going to do it when they walk out of that? Because most of us live our lives without somebody directly there sort of directing us. And so we become our self-directors. So we talk in medicine, of course, about self-management, and that’s actually something I'll just bring up here.

I think we need to recognize that there is a time to be very directive and to assess and treat, and certainly in acute care medicine of all sorts, that's totally appropriate. Because the one party doesn't have the expertise needed to fully participate. But when it comes to more long-term conditions that we all live with, and diet and exercise of course are classic to that, but it’s going to have to do with attitudes, it’s going to have to do with other kinds of things, then we need to determine a way, a pathway forward that every morning we wake up, we return to that and say yeah, this is still important to me, I have reasons to do it, and I’m going to do it, even though I don't feel like doing it. And that's where we’re talking about intrinsic change that makes a difference.

Chris Kresser:  So let's talk a little bit about how MI got started and some of the research that that supports it in various contexts, because there is quite a bit of research behind it, isn’t there? 

MI’s beginnings and growth

Ken Kraybill:  Yeah, it's a very well-researched approach, and I read recently that the research articles that come out ... at least, or at least, articles, not all research articles, pretty much doubles every three years around MI.

Chris Kresser:  Wow.

Ken Kraybill:  But the start is interesting and there's a wonderful YouTube clip of William Miller describing how he got into MI, how he got to thinking about it and then how his thinking has evolved over time. That was a lecture at the University of Chicago he gave a few years ago, but he tells the story as a psychologist who really did not have much training, if at all, around addictions when he was going through school ended up in, I think it was just an alcohol treatment center, an inpatient alcohol treatment center in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. And this is like 30, 40 years ago or more. And he tells the story that he hadn't really been told what to do, and when he arrived there, nobody gave him any particular direction.

So he decided to just do what came naturally to him. And he sat down and began to talk with some of these people who lived there or were staying there, and of course, being from Wisconsin, stereotypically they all ate cheese and loved their Green Bay Packers. But the truth of the matter was that he found out that these were really interesting��I think it was all men—people who have had jobs, who had families, who loved to go fishing, loved to do all kinds of things, and they had a really serious issue with alcohol use.

And so William Miller then says he made the “mistake” of going and reading the literature about alcoholics and alcoholism. And in that day and time, the best practice or the best understanding was that these were folks, and the literature would say very explicitly that they were pathological liars, they were people who were not morally centered, that they were people who ... and psychologically they had this denial, this wall of denial, this defense construct that almost made it so they couldn’t recognize the fact that they had this issue and the consequences of it. And that’s why people would say, “I don't have an alcohol problem.” But what was happening is in order to confront and tear down that wall of denial so that magically somehow people would be ready and willing to make changes. To get rid of a wall, you have to practice a lot of coercive kinds of things with it.

And so you punch it and kick it and confront it, and you shame it, and that’s exactly what treatment programs in so-called therapeutic communities looked like in the ’60s, ’70s, ’80s of the last century, and even persisting today, still, some. This idea where people would sit in the middle and be confronted and bombarded by their colleagues or their fellow patients and residents, you heard stories of people having to wear placards that were shame-based or having to wear an adult diaper in the milieu if they broke a rule. I mean all these crazy things that today we wouldn’t even consider using for anyone, especially with any other kind of concern, like depression or schizophrenia.

Chris Kresser:  Right.

Ken Kraybill:  So anyway out of that, William Miller, I think, probably both figuratively and literally scratched his head and said, “There has to be a better way.” And it was really out of that experience that he began to develop, based on the work of Carl Rogers, Daryl Bem, and others, this notion that basically alcoholic people with serious alcohol problems aren't all that different from anybody else.

And I think that was the key issue of the day that somehow these folks are different and they need to be blasted at. And I think that was the breakthrough, was recognizing these are folks who live with an alcohol problem in this case, but have a life and have the ability to choose and have values and hopes and dreams and that kind of thing.

Chris Kresser:  So what kind of, I mean, it got started in the addiction arena, and it’s still very much used, from my understanding, in that arena, but what other contexts has MI spread out into at this point?

Ken Kraybill:  MI has permeated pretty much all of health and human services at this point, and corrections, and schools, and the reason being is, and I want to just add here that William Miller has said that he kind of regrets having called it motivational interviewing. He kind of wishes he had just called it motivational conversations.

Chris Kresser:  Right.

Ken Kraybill:  And I bring that up because in all walks of our lives, even at home with your own children, we’re constantly having conversations with folks in the hopes that they'll make changes, and to do so, what we want to do is have conversations that will make a difference. And if we know that conversations that simply tell people what to do, or confront them or shame them, if we know that's not effective, then what do we do?

And so it was really in that context that Miller, and then others that followed and all the research that has followed too, has shown that what we know about motivation is it’s multifaceted, that it's relationship-based, often for most people, that we need to pay particular attention to certain things that people say and shine a light on those, we need to pay attention to ambivalence. And so ambivalence has been the construct that has replaced the notion of the denial. And ambivalence seems to be a much more both accessible way of thinking about it, but also much more accurate.

Chris Kresser:  More accurate, yeah. So what are some of the other ... we’ve already touched on a few of the key concepts of motivational interviewing—ambivalence, and talking to people, facilitating people to talk themselves into change instead of talking them into change yourself. But what are some of the other key concepts that form the foundation of MI?

Partnership, acceptance, compassion, evocation

Ken Kraybill:  So there are three or four things that I think that are important conceptual pieces to begin to really understand. One is that Miller and Rollnick actually in their first edition and then when they started—and that was in 1991 when they put out their first edition of MI, and then they started doing some teaching of it, they were doing a lot of focusing on the core interviewing skills and that kind of thing—but what they came to realize was that there was something missing, and they came to name that as the “spirit of motivational interviewing,” or now sometimes referred to as the “heart-set and the mindset.”

And this is really the piece that I think that appeals to so many people because it's getting to that kindness part, right? And they talk about it in terms of four elements of the spirit. One is that notion of partnership, which in and of itself is a pretty radical concept in the field of social services and healthcare services because we’re so driven by expert-driven services, but looking at partnering with people and sharing expertise.

And then there's the idea of acceptance. And acceptance gets broken down into valuing people's intrinsic worth and potential. It also includes that notion of responding to people empathically, seeing their strengths and honoring their self-determination. That's all part of that acceptance construct, as they describe it.

And then a third of these is compassion, and it's interesting, it was not until the third edition in 2013 that Miller and Rollnick added this because they felt there was a component piece missing. And compassion here can be thought of in many ways. It's clearly putting the needs of the individual first and looking out for their welfare. I think it's also feasible to think about compassion as taking the word itself. And “compassion,” surprisingly to some people, certainly it was to myself, it means “suffering.” And so to be with somebody in their suffering, their addiction, and their issues around eating, whatever those things are to walk alongside people in solidarity with them in that difficulty without trying to fix it is a form of compassion that I think is very powerful.

And then there was the fourth, and so we have so far, we have partnership, we have acceptance, we have compassion, and then the fourth, I think, really gets to the heart of the MI process, and that’s evocation. And evocation literally means “to call forth from,” like drawing water from the well, for example. And so if we see people as already having essentially everything they need and they’re filled with hopes and hurts, they’re filled with wisdom and also delusion. But we’re all filled with all of these things, right? And so what if we tap into the best parts of what people have, and tap into their hopes, tap into their dreams, tap into what they want in life, what’s most important in life to them. And allow them to articulate that and then hear it back through maybe our reflections to them, and then they continue to talk to themselves about it. There's something very powerful about that, which will lead us into the skill sets of reflective listening and asking questions.

OARS: questions that invite people to tell the backstory

So there's that spirit. Another piece is these core interviewing skills, which we commonly refer to as the OARS, as an acronym [which stands for open-ended questions, affirmation, reflective listening, and summary]. It turns out that motivational interviewing, the field loves acronyms. So the OARS are representative of open questions, that is, questions that really invite people to tell the backstory or just tell more detail of affirmations, which is a specific way of seeing in people, what I like to say, all the good stuff in them, or being strengths based. We also talk about reflective listening, which really is at the heart of this approach. And I’m fond of saying these days that if the OARS were a rock-and-roll band that the reflections would be the lead singer. And I recognize that my rock-and-roll band has four players, and it's kind of like based on the Beatles. But the reflections, if I were to audiotape practice of anybody involved in counseling who doesn't have training in MI, the research suggests that people are probably asked about 10 questions to every one reflective statement. And in motivational interviewing, we’re actually trying to flip that on its head.

And proficient MI is often like two reflective statements to every question, or three to every question, and it's great if you do one to one. But the idea is there’s something about reflective statements that they kind of go with the flow of the conversation without being interruptive, and they help build upon what the person has said in a way that has a certain kind of congruity to it and a certain incrementalism to it. Whereas questions, as helpful as they are and can be at times, are actually more interruptive in the dynamics of conversation. And so it’s not that we don't use them, but they actually insert something from us usually that takes things in a slightly different direction.

So that's, it’s a subtle thing, but that's partly the rationale for looking for more reflective statements to questions. And then the last of those OARS is the S is for summaries, which is really just a collection of reflective statements that you offer back to the person by saying, “So can we take a short break here? And let me just see if I'm getting so far what you’ve told me. You mentioned this and that, and this.” And then you ask, “So what did I miss? Or what do you make of that? Or what would you add to that?” So that's another one.

Now I mentioned OARS as being the sort of rock-and-roll band, but there actually is a fifth sometimes we think about, and that is how do we provide or exchange information, if you will, or offer our own input, our suggestions, our advice, if you will, or additional information.

And that's yet another kind of fifth skill that is considered an important part of this too. Because there are two experts in the room, then you do get to offer some things sometimes. But we almost always do that later in the conversation and do it with permission. Seeking permission to offer it and then giving permission to do with it what they will.

Chris Kresser:  That's the key point here, especially in our ADAPT Health Coach Training Program, because people will be coming to the health coach for advice on certain things related to nutrition and stress management, sleep, physical activity, etc. But the key thing that you pointed out there is that you ask for explicit permission to move into that role, or you wait until you're asked to move into that role rather than starting from that place. And that to me is the most important shift that we can make in the idea of what a health coach is supposed to be doing, because I think still today in a lot of contexts the idea is that a health coach is just operating from the same expert authority model that a doctor or another licensed clinician would be operating from.

But rather than giving medical advice, they’re giving advice on diet and lifestyle. And the problem with that from my perspective, is, quite simply, it just doesn't work. I mean there's that definition of insanity, which is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. And it’s certainly true that, or it may be true that, changing our nutritional guidelines so that they're more current, more in alignment with the current evidence might help more people to be able to adopt them. But I think it's a pretty overly optimistic view to assume that just shifting the nutritional guidelines, for example, is going to really make that much of a dent in preventing and reversing chronic disease. Because we know that very few people have followed any nutritional guidelines that have been issued ever, regardless of what they are. And so moving toward this approach where we’re were changing the way we’re having these conversations instead of focusing so much on the content of the conversation, to me, is where the real revolution needs to happen.

Ken Kraybill:  I would agree and I think that again, it goes back to knowledge can be helpful and particularly for people who are ready, quite motivated that it can be very helpful, which is why a lot of people do in fact change on their own and do fine. But it's that person who comes in feeling mixed about whether or not to do something that we want to really look at.

Chris Kresser:  Right, and on that note, I'm wondering if you'd be up for a little bit of a role-play. Because so far we've been reviewing a lot of the different concepts in MI, how they might work, and I think what would be really helpful for listeners is to get an actual sense of how this might play out in a conversation. And if you're willing, I would love to start with a conversation that’s maybe, we could say, more conventional or typical, and not using MI or the concepts of MI.

Traditional coaching vs. MI coaching

Let's say I've just been to my doctor and I was diagnosed with prediabetes. So I'm headed towards type 2 diabetes, and I've got a history of it in my family and I know I should be changing my diet, but I just can't. I stop and start. I can't do it. I feel kind of shame and blaming myself, but at the same time, I’m resistant to making that change. And maybe we can start with a conventional conversation and then we can pause and shift into what an MI conversation might look like in that scenario.

Ken Kraybill:  Sure. So I understand, Chris, that you just recently saw your doctor and that you have this prediabetes condition, and your physician has really focused on suggesting you make changes in your diet. Would it be all right with you, oh, I’m slipping into MI, I’m sorry.

Chris Kresser:  That’s too natural for you. Yeah, well, maybe I'll come see you and I'll say, “Yeah, well, my doctor suggested I see you because I’ve got prediabetes and he said if I don't get this under control, there’s a pretty good chance that I'm going to head to full-fledged type 2 diabetes. And of course I don't want that. My mom died from complications of type 2 diabetes, it's all over my family, and I know I should stick to a healthy diet, but every time I start, I might make it for a few days, sometimes a couple of weeks and I feel better. But then I just, inevitably I fall off the wagon. It's just so hard to cook all my own food, I'm busy. I've got a job, I’ve got two kids and I just, it's just really hard to make it stick.”

Ken Kraybill:  Yeah. Well, I know you can do this, Chris. Other people have done it and I know that if you just do what I tell you to do here, that you will be able to just stay with it, and I think you'll feel much more satisfied and you can avoid all those negative consequences.

So what I want to do is just to go through, I have a handout here, and I just want to go through these different kinds of diet choices that you can make. We can talk about when you go grocery shopping, you really should avoid going to certain aisles entirely, and certainly the dessert aisle, and just you need to go when you've eaten. And just choose the things on this list, and then when you get home, you need to make a plan, you need to create a plan for what you're going to make each day so that you're not tempted to do other things and you just stick with that plan. And I will give you that plan so that you can know exactly how to pursue that. And then there are other things we can do too, but let's start with that. How’s that?

Chris Kresser:  Well, I mean, I've tried some of that stuff before. I actually, I worked with a nutritionist, and she made me a plan, and it did work for a little bit. But then I just, I get something comes up at work, I get really stressed out, I get busy, and then I grab something at the cafeteria because I just don't have time to get home and do the shopping and get my food and make these meals.

Ken Kraybill:  Yeah, you just can't do that. You just have to learn to say no to those impulses you have. I think that, well, have you tried maybe, sometimes people do these little tricks where they remind themselves of something they want to do by putting a rubber band around their wrist and snapping it when they have an impulse to do something. I mean, have you tried that, for example? I think that would work.

Chris Kresser:  No, I haven't tried that. I don't know. Okay, we can pause here. That’s really uncomfortable. I think it's probably uncomfortable for you as well, Ken.

Ken Kraybill:  I’m not having fun.

Chris Kresser:  Not the typical way that you interact with your clients.

Ken Kraybill:  I’m not saying I never used to do that.

Chris Kresser:  Right, yeah. And I just noticed myself just the walls coming up almost immediately and just feeling resistance, feeling kind of hopeless, like this is not going to change. I’ve done all these things before. Not feeling confident that it's going to be any different. I just felt sort of no sense of possibility for shift or movement there.

Ken Kraybill:  And on my part, I was uncomfortable because I was having to do all the work, basically coming up with solutions for you. And I had to make it up on the fly. Although in real context, I’d probably have sort of a rote list of things that I tell everybody over and over again. But it takes the joy and then takes the partnership out of it, and I felt like I was just grabbing at straws and telling you to do stuff that I didn't really know if it would work or not. And I tried to convince you more, but that didn't seem useful. So anyway, yeah, it was unpleasant.

Chris Kresser:  Okay, all right, well, we’ll start again and this time with the MI-inspired dialogue. So Ken, I just got back from my doctor’s annual checkup and was really disappointed to learn that I have prediabetes. And my doctor thinks that if I don't make some significant changes to my diet and getting more exercise that I'm going to end up with type 2 diabetes. And this is really concerning to me because my mother died of complications related to diabetes, it's all over my family, and I know I should get on the ball here and change my diet and start exercising more regularly, but I start and I stop, I can't seem to stick with it and I just feel really frustrated.

Ken Kraybill:  So that news was both surprising and pretty scary.

Chris Kresser:  Yeah, I mean, my mom died when she was 60 and I'm 48, so that's not very far away. And I don’t want to end up like her, and I’m hoping to have some grandkids, and I would love to see them grow up. I'm not ready to lose my health and vitality here.

Ken Kraybill:  So you certainly have some reasons why you’d want to make this more important in your life to pay attention to. 

Chris Kresser:  Yeah, I mean, apart from wanting to see my grandkids grow up, I want to feel good. I know that the way I'm eating now is ... and I'm gaining more weight, and that's causing ... I just got a knee injury that the doctor thought was related to me being overweight. I'm not able to exercise as much as I know I should, so it's all connected. It feels like this kind of really messy thing where I just can't, everything’s kind of working against me.

Ken Kraybill:  So you mentioned wanting to live longer for your grandkids, you want to feel better overall, you want to exercise more. You want your knee to feel more friendly towards you. Any other reasons why you would want to pay more attention and become more proactive in looking at your diet?

Chris Kresser:  Yeah, I mean, I just, I'm so tired a lot of time and it affects my work, it affects my relationship. And then it seems like it also affects even my ability to do the things that I know I should do. So but, if I had more energy, I think I would be able to have more fun again. I'm just not doing, I used to love to go dancing a few times a week, and I'm just not able to do that because I'm so tired. And even on the weekends when I want to be out maybe going to the beach or doing something fun, I just end up staying home because I’m so exhausted.

Ken Kraybill:  So this is really impacting your life at a lot of different levels.

Chris Kresser:  Absolutely.

Ken Kraybill:  When you think about the possibility of whatever it would be that you would not only help your understanding and concern, but also your activity around paying more attention to this, what are some kinds of ways do you think you could go about doing that that would be successful for you?

Chris Kresser:  Well, I mean, one thing that came right to mind when you were saying that is just maybe getting a little bit more support. I feel sometimes like when I try to start a healthy diet that I'm just kind of on my own and I'm isolated, and I don't have, my partner’s not very supportive, and I don't have anyone in my life that’s really able to just support me in making these changes. And I feel like that would make a big difference.

Ken Kraybill:  So having somebody who's both aware of what you're trying to do and who has your back, so to speak, and you recognize that it's harder to do alone. So you'd like to have somebody who's kind of in your camp and working alongside you.

Chris Kresser:  Yeah, because it's a lot. I mean, I’m working full time, and so like having to go and do the shopping and prepare the meals, and that’s often where I get stuck. I’m tired and I end up just going and getting some fast food instead of doing the shopping and making the meals.

Ken Kraybill:  And underneath that I almost hear like it often feels like a burden to do all this stuff. Like it's a long to-do list, and you’d like to incorporate it into your life in a way that was almost fun or at least enjoyable.

Chris Kresser:  Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I mean, it's, otherwise, it’s just another thing to do, and as I said, I'm already feeling pretty exhausted.

Ken Kraybill:  What other things do you think about that would be helpful to you in moving in this direction?

Chris Kresser:  I don’t know. I think just really believing that it's going to be different this time. Like I notice when I think about making a change, I just kind of feel hopeless, because I've tried so many times in the past and it hasn't worked. And I think that might be something that keeps me from trying again.

Ken Kraybill:  So you have reasons to change and you have some ideas about how you would go about it, but this notion of believing that you can actually or would be capable of continuing to do it, or the confidence factor, seems to be pretty low right now, at least for you.

Chris Kresser:  Yeah, I think part of it is this, like in the past I’ve just done this low-fat diet that the doctor recommended, and it really just doesn't seem to work for me. I feel hungry all the time and I just can't stick with it at all. And I have a friend that’s been trying a lower carbohydrate diet and having a lot of success with that, so I've kind of wondered if that might be something that I should try or look into. I don't know, do you have any experience with that?

Ken Kraybill:  Yeah, there are certainly ideas I could suggest to you around that, and what I'm hearing from you is that you’ve kind of tried in the past, but maybe you haven't been able to try things that maybe have a little more variety to them or are a little more appealing to you. And then you’ve kind of just given up on them. So you’re kind of seeking ideas for how to make your diet more, shall we say, interesting and inviting.

Chris Kresser:  And satisfying. Yeah, I do think that could make a difference. I mean, I know my friend was in the same boat. She'd done the same kind of low-fat thing and when she tried the low-carb diet, she just said she felt so much more satisfied. And so I think I would like to try that if you have some resources you could help me with.

Ken Kraybill:  Yeah, no, I would be happy to do that. One of the things I'm touched by as I'm listening to you is that you talked about all these different things that you want to be healthy for in order to experience. Everything from grandkids to dancing. And what I’m hearing in this is it’s not just the mechanics of eating better that you're interested in, although that's part of it. But you also want to make this become an integral part of your life so that you’re living closer to the values and hopes that you have than you are now. How does that ring with you? I’m just kind of curious what your thoughts are.

Chris Kresser:  Oh, yeah, I mean, that really hits home. This is so much for me about just living the life that I want to live, really. When you put it that way, that's really what comes up for me.

Ken Kraybill:  Yeah.

Chris Kresser:  All right, that was very different for me. What was interesting to me is that we didn't necessarily get to a solution or a resolution, we didn’t come up with a specific plan. But I noticed myself being so much more open to the possibility of change and more hopeful, especially toward the end. And I mean, I was just winging that. I had no agenda or plan, but I noticed that toward the end when I raised the possibility of trying a different kind of diet, there was actually some hope and openness there because of everything that had come before that. I think if I had just jumped right to that before you had heard me and reflected what I had said, I wouldn't, there wouldn't have been that same sense of possibility and openness. So I mean the quality of the conversation was very different, as I'm sure all the listeners noticed as well.

Ken Kraybill:  Well, and what's important, I think, for all of us to remember is that you and I just had a conversation for maybe 10 minutes. But you are consistently having a conversation with yourself 24 hours, seven days a week, except when you're sleeping, at some level, about these very same things. And so what I'm really trying to do is seed that conversation so that when you walk away you’re kind of going, “Maybe I should think more about that,” or “Maybe a whole new idea will come to your mind.” And so as practitioners of this approach, we don't want to be too eager to get to the plan or the solution. And in fact, most people actually generate their own plan on their own time after they've processed these things.

Now that's not to say we never want to invite, and had we had more time, I would have probably gotten to the point of saying something like, “So I’m curious, just given what we’ve talked about in this short time, what do you think you might do as a next step that you could do that is possible and doable in the next few days?” Because what builds confidence is the ability to accomplish one step at a time. And so this confidence was low, that's something I would emphasize. But yeah, I often think of MI as, it's sort of like if I gave you a seed and said, “Here, grow the seed, Chris,” you couldn't really do it easily. At least unless you had everything around you that you needed.

But if I said to you, “Please go out and create the conditions under which this seed is most likely to grow and thrive.” Then we would all know that we plant the seed in good soil and give it sunlight and water, etc. And that’s really MI. It’s preparing the soil, it’s helping the person prepare themselves for the possibility of change. And then we may or may not see the actual change take place in our midst. I'm convinced the change mostly happens, or change decisions at least mostly happen when the thought comes to us when we’re least expecting it, or we wake up in the middle of the night, or we’re in the shower and we say, “Yeah, I’ve got to do this.”

Chris Kresser:  And that’s very often outside of the context of the session itself, right?

Ken Kraybill:  Right, which is not very gratifying for the coach. They want to see results and they want to document that. But it's humbling to practice in this way because we can't be so results-oriented. But what we know from the research and experience is that positive results are much more likely to happen if we use this approach than if we don't.

Chris Kresser:  Right. And I want to reflect something else about that conversation. There was a point when I said, “I'm interested in a low-carb diet. Can you help me with that?” And I really liked that you said yes, I could provide you some resources there, but I want to, I noted that you didn't go into that. There was a choice there where you could’ve said, “Yeah, sure I've got these, this binder here with all my low-carb diet plans and suggestions and let's talk about that.” You acknowledged the question and reflected it, but then you also took the opportunity to bring it back to what my ... all of my own motivations for change that I had mentioned earlier. Why did you do that?

Ken Kraybill:  Yeah, it's kind of a rabbit hole to be drawn into that trap of being asked for something and you just eagerly want to give it, but it's not that we never give it, but what we want to do is draw out or elicit or evoke from people, first of all, what they already know about. So I might have said to you, “What do you already know about things that seem to work for other people, or what research have you done?” And I might have also said, “What would you like to know about more specifically? What would be helpful to you?”

And so again what I'm trying to do is evoke from the person everything that I can that they have inside and then consider adding to that. But you don't go in initially and just say, “Would it be all right with you if I share with you or if I tell you?” I mean, you could do that, but it would be less effective than first drawing out. Because what we know is, and this was from the work of Daryl Bem, and I’m probably not stating this all that accurately, but basically what we come to know, believe, and act upon is usually that which comes from our own minds rather than from the mind of others. And so this idea that when we generate the solutions, when we generate the rationale and generate the motivating factors, they’re going to stick much more than if somebody tells us what we ought to do

Chris Kresser:  That's really interesting. I was having a conversation about this with Robert Biswas-Diener, who you may know, and he said something like, we were talking about that the difference between asking for, just telling someone what to do without permission, and then waiting until you're asked for permission to do it or even yourself as the coach, asking the client if it would be okay if you would offer this advice. And he said something to the effect of sometimes even in situations where you are explicitly asked, or when you ask permission before you give advice, it still can be maybe an obstacle to change, or not as effective to actually answer the question and give bad advice than it would be if the person went and figured it out on their own.

Ken Kraybill:  Yeah, I agree with that, and it occurs to me too that there are times when we might ask permission, but the person tacitly gives permission for us to give it, but they're not wholeheartedly giving that agreement.

Chris Kresser:  Right.

Ken Kraybill:  Because of the power differential or the context or whatever. So just the asking itself isn’t the key; it's the relational aspect of recognizing that each of us has something to provide here, and let's put it out on the table and take a look at it.

Chris Kresser:  And it seems like that in order to really get there, you mentioned this earlier, but it's letting go of your agenda and your idea for what should happen. And if that agenda is still present even kind of in the background, it seems like that's where a lot can go wrong. Because then halfway through the session, if you don't feel like you’re making progress toward—in the case of the role-play that we just did—toward me really committing to a diet, then I might be inclined as the coach to jump in and say, “Would it be okay if I gave you some specific advice here?”

Ken Kraybill:  Right.

Chris Kresser:  Which is really, in that case, would just be coming from my agenda or my preconceived notion of what should happen in the session.

Ken Kraybill:  Yeah, if you go into a session with a preconceived agenda or what needs to get done, then I think it's best just to be transparent and say “this needs to get done.” You can do it in a nice way, but I think, I always think of MI conversations as improv theater. We have a sense of direction maybe where it's going that we don't know what the outcome will be, and then we know there are different pathways that it might take. And that's really, to me, a more helpful way of thinking about this. I'm not responsible for the outcome ultimately. But I am responsible for creating the conditions under which this person is most likely to at least explore and examine what motivations they have to do something, and then they get to decide.

An ally approach vs. an expert approach

Chris Kresser:  One of the key shifts, not just in motivational interviewing, I think, but just in a coaching or ally approach versus an expert approach in general, is that, and you mentioned this earlier, that the responsibility lies for change, or for what's happening, lies primarily with the client or the person being coached rather than the coach or the person doing the coaching.

And can you speak to the shift that happens for you as the coach with that? The sense of relief maybe, or in our initial role-play when you were playing the kind of expert authority, you mentioned that it was really uncomfortable, and maybe you felt a sense of pressure and responsibility. And I'm just curious if you can speak to what changes on your side when you're not the one who is responsible for the change happening?

Ken Kraybill:  I think for me the biggest learning point early on was not to learn about MI somewhat and the skills, but to learn to let go of certain expectations or needs or perceived needs. And that letting go is letting go of the result. Thomas Merton has this great quote: “Do not depend on the hope of results.” That works really well for a lot of sports teams that I follow, actually. But it also works in our relationships. That as soon as we put an eye on the result, then we are beginning to enter into coercive behavior by trying to get people to that place. And it can be very subtle, but it's still, it's demeaning, and it robs people of their own humanity when we somehow become the controllers in that situation and try to get them somewhere.

So for me, and it's a lifelong learning, is letting go of that need to make things come out the way I want them to, and instead to trust that that person already has existing within them a desire to live a life of wholeness, of integrity, of connection, of meaning, however we want to state that. But we believe that people already have that within, and thus they already have motivation to move in that direction. And it's often covered up by the muck of everything from addiction to disease to disorder to racism and sexism, and homophobia and all these other things that press down upon people, and poverty and homelessness, or whatever it is. But it’s still there.

And that's why much of MI is being able to see people for who they might be or become, not just as who we see right in front of us. And there's this great quote from Buckminster Fuller that goes something like, “There's nothing about a caterpillar that would suggest it will turn into a butterfly.”

Chris Kresser:  I like that.

Ken Kraybill:  I think if we can see the possibilities in people … And in my own line of work over time I've never had somebody say, come back to say thank you and say, “Oh, wow, thank you for using such great motivational interviewing with me.” No, what they say is things like, “Thank you for seeing in me something I didn't see for myself at the moment,” or “Thank you for believing in me,” or “Thank you for just listening and being there and helping me see the value of myself.” And these are the kinds of things that get back to that spirit piece.

So I think you can use the best techniques in the world. But if you don't truly, I mean, and none of us do it perfectly, but if we don’t somehow feel a genuine sense of what I like to call kind of a curious compassion or compassionate curiosity maybe, for somebody, and a hope for them, then our words are just kind of empty. And so it is that combination of using our kindness, that compassion, with a skillfulness, and that's a potent combination when you're on the receiving end of it.

Chris Kresser:  Absolutely.

Ken Kraybill:  And many of us don’t get that experience very often.

Chris Kresser:  Yeah. I think there are quite a few people may have never had that experience. I mean it’s not the way most … we've been trained either explicitly or implicitly to communicate in any relationships in our life. I mean, I think many people who are listening are probably seeing how this could be applied in so many different contexts in their life, not just in the health and wellness field if you're a coach or trainer or a doctor, someone who's working with people, but also as a partner in a relationship, as a parent, as a colleague at work. I mean, there’s so many, there are really no relationships that we have in our life where this stuff can't be employed.

And yet it's as you said, Ken. It's a lifelong practice because it's one thing to let go of your agenda with someone that you hardly know it all. It's a whole other thing to let go of your agenda if you're a parent who is having a conversation about change with your child. Or if you're in a committed relationship and you’re having conversations about change with your partner. So I think this work is deep and powerful, and it has an incredible potential for change and it asks a lot of us as people, individuals, as we develop ourselves throughout our life.

Ken Kraybill:  Yeah. That's very well said, and I would just add that I think MI is not for all occasions. And sometimes we talk about MI or kind of freestyles, one being kind of a guiding style, which is really where MI is at its best. But sometimes we take more of a following style, and particularly, for instance, if we’re talking with people who are grieving or have suffered a loss. I mean, we’re not trying to look for change there; we’re just trying to be in solidarity with them.

So sometimes that’s where we are with people. And then there are other times where we’re more directive. And of course that's … I like to say when the blood is flowing, when there's an emergency, when you are compelled to take action ethically, for example. Like, for the most part we operate in that realm of the guiding piece, and there are a lot of people in crisis maybe, but not in emergency crisis. And we have to kind of sit with that sometimes because it's not for us to work out. Now we certainly provide resources and information and good listening. But yeah.

Chris Kresser:  Well, Ken, I’ve really enjoyed this conversation. Where can people find out more about your work and what you're up to these days?

Ken Kraybill:  Yeah, my organization I work for is called The Center for Social Innovation. It's outside of Boston. There are actually several centers for social innovation. So if you Google it, you will come up on it in the third or fourth or fifth name down the list. But I particularly do most of my work through t3, which is a training institute contained under the umbrella of the center. And t3 stands for “think, teach, transform,” which we think is a clever little moniker. But what we do is fee-for-service training for organizations, for cities and counties, for statewide organizations, promoting best practices in working with people, particularly people who are vulnerable or marginalized in our society.

And so a lot of work, of course, around addictions and mental illness and people living in deep poverty. We look at a racial, social, and racial equity lens through everything we do. But what we're doing is trying to equip the workforce, whoever that might be, in practicing in a more person-centered, patient-centered way. I have this little mantra that I often say that speaks to kind of the different aspects of our training. And it's that we want to be person centered, housing focused for people who don't have stable housing; trauma informed; we want to be recovery oriented; peer integrated, meaning including people actively who are people with live experience; and also self compassionate.” We need to take care of ourselves in all of this. And that’s kind of the gist, if you will, of how I spend my time these days, both online and in on-site training. And that's very gratifying. I enjoy it.

Chris Kresser:  Fantastic. And we are very fortunate that Ken is going to be creating and delivering the motivational interviewing content for the ADAPT Health Coach Training Program launching in just a couple weeks in June. So if you’d like to learn more about that and the other core coaching skills that we’re going to be covering in the training, including coaching to strengths and positive psychology and understanding the stages of change, building trust and rapport, all of what I believe are the skills that will make the biggest difference in your ability to be a change agent, you can check that out at Kresser.co, not dot “com,” but dot “co” slash coach. Kresser.co/coach. Ken, thank you again so much for this enlightening conversation about change, and I look forward to working with you in the ADAPT Health Coach Training Program.

Ken Kraybill:  Thank you so much, my pleasure.

Chris Kresser:  All right, that's a wrap

The post RHR: The Power of Motivational Interviewing, with Ken Kraybill appeared first on Chris Kresser.

Source: http://chriskresser.com June 01, 2018 at 11:50PM