#he's just gone through some very traumatizing events and now he's doing some morally questionable things

[hood-ex]

wait idk anything about the tevis’— why would tommy tevis call dick his son? would you be willing to give a quick rundown

After Dick failed to get himself incarcerated, he became an enforcer for a mob boss named Tommy Tevis. Tommy took Dick in and made him part of his family. Tommy considered him an honorary son and thought very highly of him.

Nightwing (Vol. 2) #107

He even told Dick that everything he had (his home, his reputation, his family, etc.) was Dick's as well. Lynette, Tommy's wife, told Dick that Tommy would let Dick do anything. The whole family loved Dick, including Tommy's 15 year old daughter, Sophia. Sophia actually had a crush on Dick, but Dick acted like an older brother to her, helping her with her homework and such.

While Dick was away from the family for a few days, the cops busted into the Tevis's home. Lynette got killed in the gunfire, Tommy got taken to jail, and Sophia got taken in by the state.

Dick, while mentoring Rose, broke Sophia out of the state home. He got Sophia to help him with the mob. Then, when Chemo fell on Bludhaven, Dick saved Sophia and left her with Amy. When they reunited at the hospital, Dick asked Sophia to leave the mob behind and join a boarding school.

So, yeah, that's Dick's relationship with the Tevis family.

[astaroth1357]

Unpacking the Angel Event (Through My Own Perspective)

Okay so uh… this was a very uncomfortable seat the Devs have offered us today and like all things that give me moral uncomfiness, I HAVE to analyze it. Blame the ethics classes. A full disclaimer, this is not spoiler-free and is pretty much entirely just me unpacking my own feelings here. What may bother or not bother me could really affect you and there is nothing wrong with that. You are entitled to your own perspective. This is just me trying to walk through all the stuff in this event that just… rubbed me the wrong way. So let's get to it.

The Costumes

So. Let's start at the beginning. Diavolo apparently had the bright idea to put everybody in magical costumes of their angel forms (or something like it in Satan's case). This is… problematic.

The reason the brothers lost their angel forms was because they fell after the Celestial War… who's greatest causality (in their eyes) was their sister, Lilith. So one could imagine that their memories as angels aren't particularly happy ones… By this point in the "continuity" (this is Post-Attic, more on that later), they would have known that Lilith didn't actually die which may soften something like this a little. I dunno, I'm not one of them and trauma is uniquely personal to the individual, but the bigger issue is that Diavolo thought this was a good idea to start with to which I say! - I'm not at all surprised by that. Hear me out.

Diavolo is heavily implied to have had a huge ass crush on Angel Lucifer. He's also uh… probably a little sheltered (as sheltered as the royalty of Hell can be) and probably not used to think of his subjects' feelings on the things he does before he just does them. This is fairly evident in other events where he'll order the brothers to do XYZ task even if they want no part in it. It doesn't surprise me at all that Diavolo would want to see them (Lucifer) as angels again and not take into account how that could affect them. I don't think that'd be malice on his part, just shortsightedness, and he likely would have apologized if any of the brothers expressed an emotional problem with it to him directly.

Do they have problems? Yes. But since the event kind of wipes them of their true selves, that's better discussed elsewhere. Moving on.

The Bangles 

Holy fuck, how do we even approach this? So Simeon, in conjunction with Michael (probably, at this point I have to wonder if he's telling the truth about this) gives the brothers jewelry, presumably to wear to the party, that would… I'm not even sure. Curb their impulses? Force them to be mannered? The important thing is he did not tell them about that little detail before they put the bangles on…

This is… also problematic. First, we can try to establish Simeon's intentions versus what actually happened: 

The bangles were (likely) intended to be removable. It was the mixing of the magic that locked them in place so we can assume he didn't mean this to be a permanent change.

The magic on the bangles was probably amplified by the angel costumes. What this means is though we can assume that Simeon never intended them to become quite so… different, we'll never know just how much influence he was actually trying to put on them. It could have been anything from suppressing their sins to full blown force you to say please/thank you. We'll just never get to know now… 

I won't be the first person to liken this to mind control (nor the last) because… that's kind of how it turned out. Even worse still, it would have been completely involuntary on the brothers' part. Simeon DID NOT tell them what the bangles were going to do. Now, he claims later that he would have eventually, but we don't get to know when that would have been. I presume at some time after the party, because like. These are our boys. They're not going to consent to wearing something like that, they're just not.

This poses all kinds of questions and problems ranging from issues of consent to anatomy and even the worth of good deeds done out of obligation vs. free will and… I mean quite literally when I say Jesus Christ, Simeon, what the hell?!

I could write a completely different post debating whether or not what Simeon did actually had any moral merit but I won't because it'd be very dry and boring. I think the most interesting thing to take away here is that Simeon thought it was okay to do like, at all, and with approval from Michael (maybe) no less… That reflects something on angel society that I doubt will get explored but I need to ponder farther…

This section is all kinds of sticky so we need to move on.

The Development(?)

First off, to new players, don't worry this probably isn't canon (at least to the main story continuity). The Brothers should be back to normal in the new chapters and this won't have a long term effect on anything (aside from maybe a tie in to the next event ala Beach event-> Games). That's how Obey Me has always treated their events it seems and I sure hope they stick to it now. But, these are still the same characters going through a unique situation and that can offer some insight so… Let's discuss.

I mentioned earlier that the brothers had problems with this… Unfortunately, I think we only get to see Lucifer and Satan's thoughts in any detail because everyone else is too far gone by the time we reach them… Lucifer can pretty much be summed up as troubled and unhappy because (you know) not a lot of great memories as an angel. I presume that his wounded pride after the fall may also contribute. 

Satan is… more complex. I’m honestly more bothered by his change than anyone else’s because even he expresses how weird this is for him... (We get confirmation that he never in fact had an angel form, btw). Poor baby is going through a full on identity crisis and there’s a certain part of his mind that he’s not even allowed to use right now... Anger. The Avatar of Wrath, born from Wrath, can’t get angry and… Something about that just bothers me at a deeper level, not even I can express properly…

Everyone else is too far gone once we reach them. Their personalities are completely different and they can’t even acknowledge that’s the case. They think that they’ve turned a new leaf but we know that’s not the reality, that leaf was very much turned for them and it doesn’t make anything feel any better…

This may be my own opinion, but part of me thinks that this portion (and only this portion right here) was actually what the Devs were going for. They wanted us to be uncomfortable by all of this for like, story reasons. It’s a narrative trick. Think of the phrase “You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.” I think they were trying to use the absence of the brothers’ usual flaws and traits as a weird way of celebrating them. Kind of like saying, “We could have given you guys these perfect brothers, but they’re not perfect and we know that’s why you like them. Look at these perfect guys, doesn’t it feel wrong?” The answer is, yes. It does feel wrong. And under other circumstances, it would be affirming like they’d be intending, “I don’t want this emotionally-open non-otaku, give me Levi dammit!” But when you add this intended discomfort with the already sketchy way we got here it just makes it all the worse… 

And absolutely NONE of this is helped by...

The… End?

I think the thing I hate about this event the most (actually legitimately hate) is how it ends. In that it doesn’t. It kind of just… abruptly stops right after Lucifer starts coming to himself again. Though I suspect that’s because they’re putting incentive into getting the event cards, this in NO WAY does the narrative any favors.

Most people are not going to get those cards. Even with Lonely Devil as an option, it’s a huge time/resource commitment to get there. Because of that, the majority of people are not going to get to see the aftermath of what happened. We don’t get to see how the brothers feel about what happened. We don’t get to see if they do, in fact, come to and if they have any takeaways from the experience or if they’re utterly disgusted by it. The player character doesn’t even get the option to comfort them after something that was probably terribly traumatic. It. Just. Ends.

What that means is all of that discomfort that we had just lingers… There’s no resolution or pay off. It just… stays… This is the worst possible thing they could have done. If you want your audience to feel uncomfortable, that’s one thing, but unless you’re telling like, a psychological thriller you gotta settle them back down again! Deep moral conflict is not a turn on!!!

Personally, I don’t hate that this thing exists. I don’t. The part of me that majored in Philosophy loves analyzing media like this so I can’t say that I didn’t get anything out of it. I don’t think all media should play it safe, it’s okay to leave the audience with no good answers or a feeling of unease, but you really got to be self-aware of it. The biggest flaw of this event, in my opinion, is that it rarely comes across as self-aware of its own horror. You get a very brief glimpse of it from Solomon when he comments on how creepy things are, but Simeon’s happy. Diavolo’s happy. And though he’s a little uneasy, Luke’s pretty content, too. Add that to the abrupt ending and we never get to know if ANY of them realize how awful of a thing this was to do to the brothers... It makes it all come off as an endorsement of mind controlling your friends into better people and (to me) that feels really, really wrong.

So in conclusion… I dunno. If the next event isn’t something along the lines of “Angelic Demons Part 2: Fixing What We Fucked Up!” then I think they really botched this one guys… I hope somebody was taking notes.

[hellzabeth]

i have opinions about The Prince of Egypt musical adaption and you’re going to listen to them: An Essay

So, quick disclaimer: The Prince of Egypt is one of my favourite movies of all time. The casting, the music, the animation, I think it’s one of the top-tier movies that have ever been made. I went into seeing the London West End production of PoE with a full expectation that nothing I saw on stage would ever live up to how much I love the movie. I was fully aware there are plenty of limitations to what can be shown live on a stage with human actors and props.

That being said, I was enormously disappointed with how the whole thing was handled.

The Good

Now before I launch into a whole tirade of what I didn’t like about the production, it does behoove me to say what I think they did do well. 


The casting of the role of Moses was done fantastically, as was Miriam, Tzipporah, and Yocheved. The swings and the ensemble were really engaged and well placed, going through lots of quick changes to go from Hebrews to Egyptians to Midianites and back.


The two Egyptian queens, wifes of Seti and Ramses, are actually given names, lines, and character beyond being simply tacked onto their respective kings. We get to see how they feel about the events happening around them, and there’s even a scene where Ramses meets his wife and courts her, whereas in the movie, she stands in the background and says nothing. This is one of the areas I was hoping the musical, which would naturally have a longer run-time, would expand on, and I was pleased to see the opportunity was taken.

Light projections on enormous curtains were used to very good effect, taking us instantly inside the walls of the palace and then out to the desert. 


Over all, the work was really put in to be engaging and emotional, and the orchestra really worked to deliver the right musical beats.


One of two stand out scenes as being done very well was the opening “Deliver Us”, which included a bone-chilling moment of Egyptians separating a mother and her baby, with her screams as she’s dragged off-stage, and the blood on the guard’s sword. It really brings home the fear as Yocheved tries to lead Aaron and Miriam to the river with her, not to mention Yocheved’s actress nailed the lullaby. 


The second was at the other end of the show, “When You Believe” was beautifully performed by the whole cast, though it was somewhat stunted by what came before...

The Bad

Oh boy.

So the main problem with this show is not the music, not the staging, not even that sometimes the ensemble was a little off-beat (the lai-lai-lai section in Though Heaven’s Eyes comes to mind). Any mistakes there can all be forgiven, since sometimes things just happen in live performance, someone’s a bit off or something’s just not possible to do on the budget allotted. 


The problem is in the script.

The Prince of Egypt movie is a story that stands not only on the shoulders of its fantastic music and visuals, but also on its emotive retelling and portrayal of the characters within - mainly Moses and Ramses. And while the stage musical does spend a lot of time with the two mains, it neglects two other, incredibly important characters.

Pharaoh Seti, and God. 


In the movie, Seti strikes an intimidating figure. He is old, hardened, and wise in the ways of ruling his kingdom - and is voiced by Patrick Stewart, who brings his A-game to the role. Both Moses and Ramses admire him and look up to him immensely as young men, and the relationship he has with both of them deeply informs their characters as the story progresses. It’s from Seti that Moses learns that taking responsibility for your actions is the respectable thing to do (and later, the true horror of having your idol turn out to be not what you think), and it’s from Seti that Ramses takes a huge inferiority complex.

There are two lines that Seti gets in the movie, one spoken to Moses, and one to Ramses. These two lines define Moses and Ramses’ actions later on in the story:

To Ramses - “One weak link can break the chain of a mighty dynasty!” To Moses - “Oh my son... they were only slaves.”

Guess which two lines are absent from the musical?

One Weak Link is turned into an upbeat song, rather than shouted at a terrified and cowed young Ramses. Instead of being openly a traumatic, internalised moment of negative character development for Ramses, it’s treated as a general philosophy that Seti passes down to his son. Instead of a judgement that is hung over Ramses’ head like a sword of Damocles, lingering in his mind through the whole story and coming up in a shouted argument with Moses later, it’s said and then moved on from. 


The “they were only slaves” comment, on the other hand, is absent entirely. This changes Moses’ relationship with Seti enormously, as well as his relationship with the Hebrew people. Upon finding the mural depicting the killing of the slave children, Moses is appropriately horrified, and Seti shows up to comfort him and defend his terrible actions. Moses leaves this interaction... and then sings about how this is indeed all he ever wanted! He has no moment of horrific realisation that his father thinks of the slaves as lesser, as lives that can be thrown away. This means that the scene where he kills the guard doesn’t lead into a discussion of morality with Ramses as he runs away, but rather Moses breaking down about his heritage as though it’s a negative, instead of something he’s realised is just as valuable as his life as an Egyptian. Instead of Moses being shown as having a strong moral core that protests against the idea of any life being lesser, he bemoans his Hebrew blood loudly, and makes little mention of the man he killed. His issue that causes him to run away is being adopted, rather than his guilt that he’s a murderer, and nothing Ramses can say will change it.

Later on, we don’t see Ramses express this opinion either (in the movie - M:”Seti’s hands bore the blood of thousands of children!” R:“Hah, slaves!” M:“My people!”) so it seems the core reasoning for the necessity of the extremes God had to go to in order to convince Ramses to let the Hebrews go is completely gone.

Which leads us into God Himself, as a character. 


God is a tricky topic in general. He is hard to talk about as a concept and as a character, and even harder to depict in a way that won’t offend someone. The Prince of Egypt movie always struck me as a very good depiction of the Old Testament God - vengeful and strong-willed, commanding and yet nurturing, capable of great mercy and great cruelty in one fell swoop. God is incredibly present in the story, a character in and of Himself, speaking with Moses rather than simply commanding him. The conversation at the Burning Bush is bone-chillingly beautiful. Moses is allowed to question, he’s allowed to enquire, he’s allowed to express how he feels about God’s choice, and God is given the chance to respond (and reprimand, and comfort).

In the musical, the Burning Bush scene lasts all of two minutes, during which God (the ensemble cast, acting as one moving flame, speaking in unison) monologues to Moses, and Moses is not given room to question, talk to, or build a relationship with God. Later on, once some of the plagues have gotten underway, Moses rails against God, flinches in his resolve, and tries to back out... and God says nothing. It’s Miriam and the spirit of Yocheved that convince Moses to keep going. As a character, God is nearly absent. Even when it comes to calling upon the Plagues, or parting the Red Sea, God’s voice is absent. Moses does not pray. He does not even use the staff that God encouraged him to pick up as a symbol of his becoming a shepherd of the Hebrews out of Egypt. 


It’s these little changes, these little absences of such vital lines and presences, that ends up changing the whole vibe of the show. Seti is more like a dad than an emotionally distant authority figure, and God is more like an emotionally distant authority figure than a character at all. Ultimately, the whole feeling that one is left with at the end…

The Ugly

… is that the script doesn’t like God, or religion in general.

A bold statement to make, considering the source material is one of the central biblical stories in EVERY Abrahamic religion. Moses as a figure is considered so important and close to god, that The Prince of Egypt, even with its sensitive portrayal, cannot be aired in a number of Islamic states, because it’s considered disrespectful to depict any of the prophets, especially an important one like Moses. Moses is arguably the MOST important prophet in the Jewish canon.

However, I haven’t highlighted one of the most noticeable script changes - the elevation of Hotep, the high priest, to main antagonist.

In the original movie, Hotep is a secondary villain, a crony to the Pharaohs, bumbling and snide and two-faced. He and his fellow priest Hoy are there primarily to juxtapose how charlatans can control power through flattery and slight of hand, reassuring Ramses that Moses’ miracles are merely magic the same as what they can do. They even get a whole villain song, “Playing With The Big Boys” which is a lovely deconstruction of lyrics vs visuals, where while the priests boast that their gods and magic are much more powerful, in the background the staff, transformed into a snake by god, devours and defeats the priests’ snake handily. The takeaway from the song is that God’s power is true, and doesn’t need theatrics.

It’s a good little nugget of wordless world building. And it is completely absent from the stage musical, with only a vague reference to the chant of all the gods names.

Hoy is gone, and Hotep is the only priest. He actively speaks out against the Pharaoh, boasts about having all the power, and is played as bombastic and proud. He’s a wildly different character, even threatening Ramses at one point. In the end, it’s shown that Ramses won’t let the Hebrews go not because he has inherited his father Seti’s cruel attitude towards the lives he considers beneath him, but because he is being actively bullied by the priest, and will lose his power and credibility if he doesn’t do as he’s told. Ramses is even given a whole song about how little power he really has. The script desperately wants us to feel sorry for Ramses’ position and hate the unrepentantly, cartoonishly evil priest.

That’s another matter as well - a LOT of time is dedicated to making the Egyptians more human and sympathetic, portraying them as largely ignorant of the suffering beneath them, rather than actively participating in slavery. Characters speak out of turn without regard for formality and class, even to the royal family. They are casual, chummy even. And this would be fine - in fact, it’s good to have that sort of third dimension to characters, even ones who are doing reprehensible things, to show the total normalcy and banality of evil - if it were not for the fact they still include a completely open-and-shut case of evil right next to them.

Hotep has no redeeming features. And on the other side, God is barely present, certainly not in a relatable context. Moses has several lines about how cruel and unnecessary God’s plagues are - and you know what, in this version, they are unnecessary! Ramses is not the stone-hearted ruler that his movie counterpart is, he has no baggage over being a potential failure, because it was never really given to him in the same way! By taking away Ramses’ threatening nature, numbers like the Plagues lose half their appeal, as the back-and-forth ‘you who I called brother’ lines between Moses and Ramses are completely absent. Moses is faithless, and is less torn between the horror of what he’s doing and the necessity of it for the freedom of his people, and more left scrabbling for meaning that he doesn’t find. And the only thing hanging over Ramses is Hotep nit-picking everything he does and threatening him, which is considerably less compelling than the script seems to think it is.

This is best exemplified at the end, when all the issues come to a head. The angel of Death comes and takes the Egyptian first borns (which was actually a well done scene), and the Hebrews leave to a rousing rendition of When You Believe. But then we cut to Ramses and Hotep, with Hotep openly threatening to revolt against the Pharaoh - whom was believed, especially by the priesthood, to be a living god! Hotep is so devoid of redeeming features he cannot even be trusted to stand by his beliefs! - unless Ramses agrees to chase after the Hebrews. Reluctantly, Ramses is badgered into the attempt.

Back with the Hebrews, Moses parts the Red Sea… not with his faith, not by praying to God for another miracle, not even by using his staff as in the most famous scene of the movie… but by holding out his hand and demanding the ‘magic’ work. Setting aside the disrespect of Abrahamic religions to call one of the most famous miracles “magic” (and my oh my, if there was a fundamentalist of any religion in the audience they might have gasped to hear it), it again belittles the work of God, and puts all the onus on Moses, not as a conduit for God’s work, but as the worker himself. Then, the Egyptians arrive in pursuit, lead by Hotep, not Ramses. Moses sends the Hebrews through first, lead by Miriam, and stays behind with Tzipporah… to offer his life in penance to Ramses! The script has completely stripped both Ramses and Moses of their convictions towards their causes, and Moses cannot even stand by his decision to lead his people.

Then, in a moment of jarring melodrama, Moses has a sudden vision that Ramses, his brother, will one day be called Ramses the Great (an actual historical Pharaoh who reigned 1279-1213 BCE). There is no historical evidence that this was the Ramses that ruled over the Hebrews (there are 11 Pharaohs called Ramses through the history of Ancient Egypt), and maybe if the scene was acted a little better, it wouldn’t have been so sudden or jarring. Even more jarring, is that then Hotep arrives with the rest of the army, and Ramses refuses to lead the charge into the parted sea. Hotep does so himself, and is the one to have the final dramatic moment, being crushed under the water.

The Takeaway

After watching the show, I’m afraid I could never recommend it as either a play, an adaption, or even as a faithful retelling of a bible story. Its character drama isn’t compelling enough to be good as a standalone play, with it two main characters declawed and their core motivations reduced to a squabble between brothers rather than a grand interplay between two cultures and ideas and trauma handed down from their father. As an adaption of the movie it’s upsettingly bad, with grand numbers like the Plagues rendered piecemeal and fan favourites like Playing With The Big Boys missing entirely. As a retelling of the bible story, it’s insulting, completely cutting God out of the equation, taking no opportunity to reintroduce Aaron as an important character (which he was, in the bible, as Moses was a notoriously bad public speaker, with a stutter, and Aaron often interpreted for him) and more importantly, completely erasing God’s influence from the narrative.

I don’t know who this show was… for, in that case. If it wasn’t for drama lovers, movie fans, or people of the faith, then who the hell was it for? Why change such a critically acclaimed and well-beloved story? Why take away all these defining moments? If you wanted to tell a story about how religion is the true evil, how God can command people to do terrible things, and how those who uphold organised religion like Hotep are unrepentant, one-dimensional monsters… why would you tell that through the Prince of Egypt?

Underwhelming at best, infuriating at worst… just watch the movie. Or read Exodus. At least the Bible’s free.

[relaxxattack]

your post made me think (and ignore this if it’s already been asked sorry haha) but what are your thoughts on cwilbur and cclingyduo’s relationship? he hurt them during a really bad time in his life, but now he is trying to change and move on—so where do you think they are going from here? in terms of what you think the characters would want, do you think they going to ever be as close as they were, or is their friendship going to stay stilted and distant like it is? :o i would love to know your thoughts on this, and if this isn’t an ask you want to answer (because it’s a loaded question lol) then that’s completely fine, i was just curious and loved your meta :D i hope you have a great rest of your day!

cwilbur, as far as we’re aware, was these two boy’s only rock in the beginning. he was always there, and he wasnt like, some perfect guy, but he was wise, and he was their brother, and he was always there. being smart and protective and literally created their home that they love so much.

tommy will never stop loving wilbur. that’s his older brother, possibly the person who raised him, and his constant in life. tommy is idealistic and young and has always, always turned to wilbur for advice, for protection and help.

watching wilbur waste away into a suicidal and hatred-filled mess was absolutely traumatic for him. he was up close and personal for all of it, he was the only person around to speak to as wilbur questioned all of his beliefs and morals and self worth. tommy had a front row seat to wilbur’s mental breakdown and brief infatuation with harm.

tommy never thought wilbur was going to do it. he thought he could show wilbur that things would be okay. he carried that burden, but he was too young and messed up too much. he didn’t know how to lead a revolution, and he had no idea how to help wilbur.

tommy was the only person who truly treasured ghostbur as he was. he asked ghostbur to promise to stay with him.

tommy will never, ever stop loving wilbur. even as far gone as he is now, even if tommy has horrible feelings curling on the inside of his chest from the trauma of pogtopia, he’ll stay by wilbur’s side. he believes in him. it’s not about chances, it’s about not giving up on those you care about.

tommy is slowly maturing past the need for adult approval, but if he ever gets a healthy break from wilbur, it’ll probably have to be wilbur who initiates it.

tubbo trusted wilbur.

tubbo trusted eret, as well, and look how that turned out. tubbo was weary during pogtopia. he watched it happen from a distance. he listened as tommy told him; “i don’t think we can trust wilbur anymore.”

tubbo knew less then tommy. somewhere along the line, his trust was broken. maybe it was when he died, after wilbur promised techno wasn’t gonna hurt him. maybe it was during the pit.

either way, his trust was broken and i don’t think its been there for a long time.

tubbo liked ghostbur, though. tubbo knows very well how selective memory can be when you’ve been through traumatic events. tubbo also understood that ghostbur was, fundamentally, wilbur.

ghostbur gave tubbo presidential advice. ghostbur filled a sort of hole wilbur left. he was a bit of a reassurance to tubbo and a promise. when he helped rebuild lmanberg, he was telling tubbo; “wilbur is proud of you. he supports you.” that meant something.

but when wilbur came back from the dead, he told tubbo that wasn’t him. that it didn’t mean anything.

tubbo doesnt believe wilbur automatically. but he doesn’t treat wilbur well either. tubbo is weary of wilbur. tubbo, behaving as logically as he can, sees wilbur as someone who hurt him— who broke his trust— and may do so again.

tubbo will need a LOT of convincing to be fully trusting of wilbur again. but i doubt he’d avoid him, just because it’s in tubbo’s nature to be the bigger person and just put up with things that upset him.

tommy is clinging to wilbur, even if he realistically knows things will never be the same. i think, however, that if they really try— and if they get a LOT of therapy— they can get pretty close. what are brothers, anyway, if not people who ignore their past fights and grow a better bond over it?

tubbo might treat wilbur like a family member he disagrees with but still speaks to at gatherings. i think, though, that tubbo has a talent of getting along with people, so maybe it won’t be noticeable to outsiders. but he’ll probably never trust wilbur again. UNLESS, something big happened that proved it to him. like, wilbur saving his sons life or something as dramatic, lol.

i hope that makes sense.

[davids-cartoon-corkboard]

I have said a Lot about the “Raph is a system” theory over the past several months, so this is something of a compilation post. It’s got some new stuff, it’s got some old stuff. (You’re reading Part 1) (Part 2 is here) (Part 3 is here)

---

Firstly, “system” is the term for someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder, or DID. (The term can also apply to some folks with OSDD.) Someone might develop DID after experiencing long-term trauma at an early age- roughly five or six years old. To paraphrase the DSM-V:

1. We’ve seen three (possibly four) distinct personality states who speak, act, and perceive others differently.

2. The personality states, or “alters”, don’t necessarily share memory, and Donnie insinuated in “The Clothes Don’t Make the Turtle” that Raph has a bad memory in general.

3. Problems arise when alters don’t get along or aren’t on the same page. That none of them seem to be quite aware they’re a system doesn’t help either; it’s hard to work on communication and cooperation when you don’t know they need to be worked on!

4. This whole situation isn’t a normal part of a broadly accepted cultural or religious practice, or just Raph playing make-believe. (Though I wonder if he had “imaginary friends” when he was younger...)

5. It’s also not because Raph’s been smoking the devil’s lettuce or whatever. “Pizza Puffs” was one long weed joke and he was the only one “sober” (not poisoned) throughout! We don’t see this happen to other mutants, so it’s not a bizarre side effect of mutagen either.

(I’ve seen a few people joke that Mikey has “multiple personalities”, but that’s a tad yikesy and also just plain incorrect. His “doctor” personas are something he does deliberately, and youngest siblings are just Like That.)

So yeah, Raph is pretty heavily DID-coded. We’ve seen four alters so far:

“Host” Raph (HR): He’s our everyday Raph. A “host” is an alter who fronts most of the time and takes care of “business as usual” situations. They are often unaware of past traumatic events, such that they can appear “normal”. (Ex: the host of a child who lives with an abusive parent could be unaware of the abuse. Otherwise, they might cry or be uncooperative whenever the parent is near, further invoking their wrath. This unawareness allows them to be a “good child”, and stay under the parent’s radar sometimes.) Some systems have more than one host, but that the others have shown up so rarely in this story suggests HR is the only host (for now?).

Savage Raph (SR): Debuting in “Man vs. Sewer”, he’s a survival-oriented alter. HR probably could have defeated the Sando Brothers on his own under normal circumstances, but being in the middle of a breakdown doesn’t do much for your fighting skills. SR got pulled to the front to deal with them instead.

“Red” Raph (RR): “Red” is just a placeholder since we don’t actually know his name yet (or even if he has one, not all alters do), though I’ve also heard folks call him “Angel”. He’s got a “tough love” approach to problem-solving, which was probably a helpful thing in the past. LDM were no doubt rowdy children! We were (officially) introduced to him in “Pizza Puffs”.

Mind Raph (MR): MR could just be a manifestation of HR's thought process via Cartoon Goofery, but that possibility doesn’t give me anything to work with so I’m ignoring it. He’s pretty similar to HR, maybe a tad more upbeat. We (officially) met him in “Raph’s Ride-Along”.

When “Pizza Puffs” first aired, I was like “ah yes, this is the alter who has the cranky edgelord tendencies we’ve seen in previous iterations of Raph. He probably broods on rooftops in the rain when he’s in a bad mood.” Combining that with the whole “Red Angel” thing gives off some Batman vibes. And, of course, SR is similar to the Hulk. Those two heroes are pretty different, but they do have one major thing in common...

A sudden, violent loss. Given how prevalent rushing water is throughout “Man vs. Sewer”, I’m thinking a flood came through and separated Raph from his family. (You could probably argue that turbulent water symbolizes a turbulent subconscious? 🤷) Again, DID stems from long-term trauma, so Raph must have been gone for... a while. A couple of months, maybe more? It’s hard to say exactly; we have a little wiggle room when applying human developmental psychology to a human/turtle mutant. Since Splinter still needed to care for the other three, he wouldn’t have been able to devote much time to searching for Raph, and the New York City sewers go on for miles and miles. The longer Raph was alone, the more convinced he would have been that the others had drowned and he was the only survivor.

How old would he have been? I know the turtles are “different ages”, but they were all mutated at the same time so I’m pretty sure Splinter was just like “the littlest one is the youngest, the biggest one is the oldest, and the medium-sized ones are the middle children.” They’re all probably fourteenish by “Finale”. Back in “MvS”, Leo said, “You know how savage Raph gets when he’s alone”. He didn’t say anything like, “You know how savage Raph gets when he’s alone ever since such-and-such an incident happened”. This suggests that LDM straight-up don’t know something traumatic happened to Raph; they were too little to retain concrete memories of that time. In their minds, Raph has always been like this. Draxum isn’t known for his patience, so even though he wasn’t able to immerse the hatchlings in mutagen for long, they probably mature a bit faster than humans. And since humans usually can’t remember anything from before four years of age, three sounds about right for the turtles, though they would have been stronger and steadier on their feet than any human toddler. I doubt Raph would have survived otherwise.

I think he’s sort of... “stuck” back in that trauma. Catching food, building a fire, making a weapon, and getting camouflage aren’t the behaviors of someone who’s only been gone for a few minutes.

When SR called for help, I don’t think he was expecting anyone to answer.

But Raph did manage to hang onto something as he was swept away! It wasn’t much, but that little ragdoll gave him comfort while he was scared and alone.

(The rabbit design on Bruce’s pajamas is probably a coincidence, but...)

Raph seems the type to have sympathy for odd-looking toys. His knockoff Mrs. Cuddles plushie was the emotional crutch he needed back then.

And then he was separated from that as well. Lowkey associating Mrs. Cuddles with this traumatic event would explain why HR was so scared of her. That he doesn’t remember the trauma means he has no context for this fear, making it seem silly and baseless to him (and to the rest of his family), which is why he denied being scared at all in the first part of the “Mrs. Cuddles” episode. It would also explain why he collects teddy bears instead these days, they are a “safe” toy. (The moral of the story is to not make fun of triggers that seem silly.)

(I wonder what would happen if Mrs. Cuddles encountered Savage Raph? Perhaps he’d be quite sympathetic towards such a lonely little raggedy thing! Timestuck as he is, he probably wouldn’t question why a stuffed animal can talk... and it wouldn't be hard for her to persuade her “new bestest fwiend” to get rid of some “mean ol’ nasty sewew monstews” for her.)

That whole “sewer monsters” thing suggests Raph ran into... something while he was wandering alone. Y’all have heard those rumors about alligators living in the New York City sewers, right? Encountering Leatherhead could trigger a flashback.

It would be pretty easy to introduce Leatherhead into the narrative. One of the episodes the Rise crew had planned was titled “The Island of Dr. Noe”, and alligators have very impressive teeth. The Mirage comics had a story where Leatherhead and several cryptids were brought to an island to be hunted for sport.

Noe seems to have quite a few cronies/friends/rivals he could entertain this way. Since he’s got that obsession with Raph, Noe captures him as well, knocking him out with those darts so he can’t waste his energy trying to escape too soon. (Let’s just assume everyone’s powers are glitchy because they all hit another wave of puberty, meaning they can’t just curbstomp the lower-level villains lol.)

HR wakes up on the island and, of course, starts to panic because he’s lost and alone. While wandering, he runs into Leatherhead, which would trigger a flashback to getting attacked by that alligator all those years ago. But Leatherhead doesn’t want to fight! He’s just as scared and confused as HR is, and could really use a partner to help him survive this island.

HR and SR come into conflict because Leatherhead is/isn’t/is/isn’t/is/isn’t a threat. HR eventually wins out, reasoning that even if Leatherhead is that alligator, it wouldn’t be fair to judge him for what he did back when he was an animal.

But time and dissociation can make memories unclear. That our first look at Leatherhead was in Draxum’s “bluh bluh I’m gonna mutate all the humans” bit in “Bug Busters” means he’s a human-base mutant. He wasn’t the alligator back then, but the hunter tracking it. Leatherhead isn’t one of Noe’s targets, he is one of Noe’s guests! And he wants no one to interfere with his quarry, so he’ll play nice long enough for him and the snapper to take out the rest of the hunters and the freaks. Then the two of them will have the island all to themselves...

Years and years ago, Jack Marlin was a big game hunter prowling the New York City sewers in search of an alligator. He did manage to find and kill one, only to realize it had also been hunting! He had inadvertently saved the strangest little turtle creature.

Marlin had become too skilled at this point, the hunt held no challenge for him. This turtle sounded very young, and he was quite big and strong already. An adult could be tough and intelligent enough to entertain him. Marlin tried to get Raph to lead him back to “the others”. But Raph had been lost for some time, and as far as he knew, his family was dead. Hearing that put Marlin in quite the sour mood. A little mutant snapper is a better catch than none at all, so Marlin tried to haul Raph off. Raph fought back and bit off Marlin’s hand. He escaped, but lost his rabbit in the scuffle. Marlin retreated as well, taking some time to recover, scheme, and hunt other game. (And to pocket that rabbit. The blood loss had made him woozy, and he wanted to have some kind of proof he hadn’t just hallucinated the snapper.) Perhaps he turned that alligator’s hide into a vest, which provided the genetic material for his mutation when he eventually got bit by an oozesquito. Like his Mirage counterpart, Marlin didn’t take losing a limb as a sign he should retire, and instead got a tricked-out prosthetic. Who knows what he could do with it in such a mystic setting as Rise.

Raph eventually reunited with his family, but those distrustful, high-strung survivalist traits he had picked up weren’t helpful anymore. He once again had to be the good and patient big brother who didn’t bite when someone play-tackled him or shook him awake at three in the morning because they’d had a nightmare. Those two states gradually got partitioned off more and more, and now they know little, if anything, about each other.

So Leatherhead and HR are chasing away some mothmen or whatever, and things are going pretty well... until one of them knocks Leatherhead over and a familiar ragdoll rabbit falls out of his pocket. SR realizes that Leatherhead is Marlin and switches in to fight him off again. They’re evenly matched, or perhaps SR is even in danger of losing, when LDM arrive to provide support. Leatherhead is enough of a tactician to know that he should retreat. Donnie and Mikey pursue him while Leo stays behind, placing the rabbit in his stunned brother’s hands. “Remember when Pops made this for you? You were always really gentle with it, ‘cause he wasn’t good at sewing back then...”

(This thing really needs patching up, he’s got sewing stuff for whenever he needs to fix his bears/Blue isn’t a threat on his own/Wasn’t he just back at the lair?/Blue gave back the rabbit/Why does he feel like he got hit by a train?/Blue doesn’t want to fight?/ ...Leo?) And that’s enough for HR to switch back in. He’s probably missing memory from his whole time on the island, so while Leo does his best to tell him what happened, they don’t have enough puzzle pieces between them to truly figure out what's going on.

They defeat the bad guys, release the cryptids, save the day, etc. (Leatherhead managed to lose Donnie and Mikey in the woods. A battle for another day.) Once they return to the lair, HR gets help from Draxum to modify the memory spell from “E-Turtle Sunshine” so he can try to fill in the gaps. Surely he wouldn’t get rejected by his own subconscious... right?

Cue part three in the saga of Raph Punches Himself In The Face. SR isn’t happy that HR is essentially trying to poke at an improperly-healed wound, and attempts to chase him off. HR assumes that SR is just a psychic white blood cell like the Lou Jitsu constructs in Splinter’s mind, and retaliates.

But, of course, fighting is not the answer here. All that accomplishes is giving the body bruises. Eventually HR realizes “stay away” and “back off” are a little different than “get out”, and that SR is just scared. So HR tries another tactic. Over the following days and weeks, he tunes in to calmer memories and just sort of... talks. About what happened yesterday, about his teddy bear collection, about how he finally managed to get a good picture of that pizza pigeon. It takes a while to establish a connection, and even then, it’s spotty at best. Using the spell too much can cause headaches and nightmares. There are days when SR is nearby, and days when he’s not there at all. But he shows up when he can.

And then there’s awkward, stilted conversation and questions neither of them know how to answer and questions neither of them want to answer and more scrapes and bruises and strained silences and apologies, but they finally, finally reach a compromise. SR still doesn’t let HR near those memories, but he tells HR what happened as best he can. (The audience would see those memories, with SR as a voiceover.) Afterwards, HR still visits the mindscape that’s starting to become more solid. They talk some more, they watch light and shadow flow around them, they listen to half-forgotten lullabies on scratchy old cassette tapes. Eventually, HR doesn’t even need to use the memory spell, meditation is enough.

They’ll never get along all the time. But it’s a start.

(SR is going to be so clingy when it finally clicks for him when he finally lets himself believe that his family is alive.)

---

This took eight million years lmao. Parts 2 and 3 will come out eventually, they’ll focus more on MR and RR. Let me know if I need to tag this stuff as anything.

The usual disclaimer applies, I am not a system or a mental health professional so if you’re one or both of those things then feel free to give me some of that good good constructive criticism.

[meggannn]

shepard/garrus?

oh boy, sorry for the late response! I always end up posting these things and then going to read/take a nap/play a game or something. anyway writing this up took two hours, i hope it is even slightly interesting to read. cut because this is looooooong

What made you ship it?

I think I was interested in this ship before I even played ME. I was just like “I know Shepard is a character and an alien named Garrus is a character, and people draw porn of them together.” because I think it’s reasonable to say it’s one of, if not the most, popular ship in the fandom, or at least in ME’s tumblr fandom? and the way people talked about it, I knew their tropes were #banter, #battle couple, #partnerships, and... and as we’ve learned from royai, I am a bit weak to those tropes (assuming I like both of the characters). the way people talked about them also from a “best friends” angle—which is sort of forced in-game in a way that seems strange to me now—was also a plus in its favor at the time. (if they get together, I do see their friendship/companionship, in whatever form, in some ways integral to their romance—unless you’re playing full far-right renegade who’s like a xenophobe and hate-fucking Garrus, I guess?—but Bioware also kind of shoehorned Garrus into that best-friend role and that’s a topic for another day.)

What are your favorite things about the ship?

(my friend will hit me if I say “partnerships” again) I’m gonna talk about the way I play my Shepard now, because so much is dependent on the unique Shepard. for Lydia’s journey over the series, I see a large part of her journey as basically a study of her (often self-inflicted) loneliness. and she never entirely breaks her habits of self-isolation, but the events of the series force her to be vulnerable in a way she would prefer not to be in front of a crew, or, y’know, ever. Garrus becomes an integral part of that story to help her break her out of these bad habits (all of the crew does, particularly also Ashley for my Shep), but to my eyes, the story of “Shepard and Garrus’s relationship” is also one of mutual respect, burden-sharing, and sanity and morality checks.

I don’t think of their “mentor” relationship in ME1 very often mostly because I don’t think it was done particularly well, but for all its faults, I do like how naturally the jump from “subordinate” in ME1 to “ally” in ME2 felt; once you meet Garrus on Omega you feel more on the same footing as two friends greeting each other because you’ve both recently been through trauma and the sight of a friendly face in a station full of hostiles is so unexpectedly welcome that it lets them both hope things will be okay for a minute. starting from that moment, Garrus becomes one of the few people who can see “under” her mask, I guess: partly because he’s one of the few combatants from the SR-1 who knows Shepard well and sees who she is both on the field and onboard the SR-2, with the ability to compare both to the times of “before you died”; partly because he has trauma response training and recognizes it in others even if he doesn’t in himself; partly because his loyal personality makes him sensitive to wonder how she’s dealing with being resurrected; and also partly because they’ve both gone through similar things. namely, getting your squad killed and blaming yourself for it, and it possibly being your fault (BioWare is inconsistent on what Shepard’s role was on Akuze, but in ME1 she has the chance to reply that she was responsible for getting them out safely, and failed).

necessity forces Shepard to adapt to things like being effectively forced to work for terrorists; being isolated from her support system; being resurrected and feeling like a stranger in her own body; later, getting decommissioned for making an incredibly difficult call to save the galaxy; watching your homeworld burn; being forced into a political role negotiating high stakes you don’t know how to play; being told you’re the spearhead of a galactic war; doing all of this without a full crew complement; the list goes on. those are all, on their own, incredibly isolating, traumatic experiences, and my Shepard’s not emotionally sane at the best of times. (emotionally stable, perhaps, only in the most literal of terms, at least on the surface. she’s like a rock when shit hits the fan. emotionally sane, no, for that reason and more.)

the tables have turned, and Garrus ends up becoming a large part of helping her regain agency in most if not all of those things: in ME2 he was a former crew member she trusted, and he was eager to work for her and be distracted from his failures on Omega. over in the battery, he is himself recovering from a major injury (like Shepard) and going through the aftermath of a bloodbath he feels responsible for (like Shepard), working on a crew that holds him at arm’s length, that he also... arguably... didn’t have much choice in joining (like Shepard—I’m assuming he wasn’t held hostage and joined voluntarily after waking up, but lbr this is unconfirmed). their reasons are different and varied, but they don’t realize until much later that they have found each other at the most opportune time, providing a sense of stability for each other, and also, frankly, sanity and morality checks.

in ME3, he steps into this role more fully because he’s become more disciplined, is doing work firmly in his wheelhouse, and paired up against Shepard struggling with their positions somewhat reversed from ME1: him more confident and her now completely out of her element, floundering with her place on a galactic scale. without Garrus—and Chakwas, and Joker, and Tali, and later the loyalty of the entire SR-2—the story of ME would be a tragedy, and it would end shortly in ME2; it’d be the story of how my Shepard slowly went insane being forced to fight boogeymen under a terrorist banner. Garrus isn’t, like, the keeper of her sanity, but their ability to check each other, and see themselves in the eyes of each other, provides stability and occasionally a bit of a wake-up call to both of them. when they’re both vulnerable, they both feel most seen, and most understood, by an alien that listens.

one angle of this ship that highly interests me at the moment, along with the above, is that while it’s not illegal for them to be together, it’s still... a really bad fucking idea lmao. (I could make the argument that it’s a bad idea for Shepard to be in any relationship with their crew but I think there are a few ships—Garrus, Tali, any Alliance crew at all—that realistically would be huge political clusterfucks.) so overcoming personal insecurity and fear of the unknown to acknowledge interest in each other, and the desire to become an item, getting roadblocked by a reality wake-up call with the fact that 1) she’s his boss, 2) Garrus comes from a society where station matters, like, sort of a lot and it even determines your job and how much legal power you have, 3) the potential political blowback (which would be ENORMOUS because lbr the hierarchy may not care about what turians do in off-hours but they WOULD care about the superior/subordinate thing, the human thing, the fact that they’re doing this while a war is going on. basically one of their best agents is on the Normandy to negotiate their interests and they’re basically at the whims of their relationship the whole time)... it’s a lot! all of that sort of makes it tragic, but I’m curious to see how they’d overcome it.

anyway, all of that is where I’m coming from when I think or write about this ship, but there’s a lot more I’m not mentioning here. there are a lot of juxtapositions that in my head that I’ve either added or extrapolated from canon that also interest me about this pairing. Garrus is a former cop, as is his father; Lydia is a poor kid who used to be in a gang out of necessity. Garrus is a turian with often traditionalist thinking; Shepard is a human who has much less sociopolitical power than him, even if she is his superior on the Normandy. both of them are roughly as old as the First Contact War, when their people were at each other’s throats not thirty years ago. Garrus idolizes Spectrehood while Lydia hates it, feeling it was forced on her. they can’t eat the same food. and yet despite all of that, and the fact that they need translators to communicate, they manage to understand each other when a lot of the world around them doesn’t.

god this is not even the full list of it. anyway I could go on but I’ll stop there lol.

Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

oh jesus, so much. I’m a grouchy and picky shipper, be warned.

pining can always make my ships more interesting, and imo it’s a consistent part of any ship of Shepard’s, considering it’s wildly inappropriate and unprofessional for her to be fucking any subordinate, so I think more consideration could be given to shakarian in the “we shouldn’t be having a thing and oh also you’re an alien and I’m kind of scared of both your government and your body” angle! I hope to explore that a bit with a fic I’m writing (if I ever finish it, god).

I hate the flavor of fandom!shakarian where Shepard romanced Kaidan in ME1 then felt “betrayed” when he’s confused and hurt on Horizon, so she gets with Garrus as like... revenge? idk. and then Garrus usually develops this bias against Kaidan as a sort of author mouthpiece (which is inconsistent with his characterization cause Garrus is nothing but pleased to have Kaidan back on the SR-2 in ME3!) and takes up the anti-Kaidan crusade cause K ~questioned the commander~ (since when does Garrus fall over himself defending a superior from criticism?) like, idk. I think Garrus can be sensitive to the fact that that reuniting must’ve been painful for Shepard, but also be aware that it was also really painful for Kaidan because all of Kaidan’s complicated feelings about Shepard’s resurrection were, realistically, things Garrus should’ve felt too! this trope is very popular but just feels like manufactured drama for drama’s sake, idk, I’m also not big on love triangles so. I would much rather people just rescue Ashley on Virmire and avoid the whole thing rather than have previously-romanced Kaidan around in ME3 for the sole purpose of forcing him to watch Shepard/Garrus being happy together tbh.

I think full goody-goody paragon Shepard is too preachy to make a good partner for Garrus and full shoot-anyone-in-my-way renegade Shepard encourages and emboldens his worst tendencies (and Castis Vakarian is right to disapprove of them). most people end up playing some combination of both, or if they do settle in one camp or the other, usually there is some sense of realism where Shepard doesn’t play nice/naive or play mean all the time, so it’s rare I see either of those kinds of extreme Shepards depicted, but in general if there is a Shepard that is so far in one direction it seems illogical to me that they ever stay together.

I think wanting a mShep romance for Garrus is a pretty welcome idea in fandom, but adding onto that, I think Garrus should’ve been romanceable in ME3 for players who changed their minds on other romances or want to play slow-burn romances! we had it for Kaidan—and should’ve had it for Ash—so (pounds fist on desk) Garrus too imo!

I hate the canon get-together because Shepard walking into the battery and asking “do you want to fuck” feels very tailored to the players who want to romance Garrus, not to who Commander Shepard is, imo. it lacked all of the subtlety and depth of some other romances—until the scene of Garrus coming to her cabin with a wine bottle, at least, cause I do like that scene, but anyway, I dislike the actual get-together.

just in general, I’m a stick in the mud, so my favorite iteration of this ship is where Shepard is resolutely professional, and the challenge of it becomes him getting her to open up, not the other way around. like, I think on some level every iteration of Shepard is a bit of a lunatic/eccentric, because you have to be to do the things they do, but I like to see their flirting with less of her calling him “big guy” (not sure where that came from, is that in canon? I must’ve missed it, but personally I don’t like it) and more of Garrus making wisecracks in the canteen while he’s talking to Joker, but he’s looking at her out of the corner of his eyes and he really said his joke with the aim of making her laugh, and as she’s reading her datapad she hears him, and even when she wants to chuckle she stops himself and just smirks cause she doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction of a laugh, but he sees her lips twitch and feels his heart flutter. that. I want more of that.

oh lastly, I hate “Shepard takes Vakarian clan markings” in any iteration. there is no canon relation to turians being poc—in fact I’d argue they have sociopolitical privilege real-world bipoc do not—but the concept of social face markings, face tattoos, etc., is rooted in non-white cultures and with the fact that 1) turians had a literal civil war over the territories those markings represent, 2) we don’t even know if marriage is how markings are shared or if non-turians are ever invited to wear them in the first place, 3) most of the art of this trend, lbr, is of mostly white Shepards in wedding dresses and blue face paint... all that combined just makes me frown and scroll faster every time I see it. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bipoc Shepard with Vakarian face markings in fic/art, and that to me is very telling (not because they should have them, but because bipoc fans who make bipoc Shepards usually recognize when a racially-coded trope is uhhhhh not so great to appropriate for someone not of that group).

[betweentheracks]

Updates//Recent Inactivity

Hello all! This is me finally taking some time to sit down and offer up a rundown on how life is currently going as a means of explaining my inactivity. This is a personal post that is guaranteed to be both rambling and emotional so if that is not your cup of tea, I understand and happily advise you just skip over this post as it is not relevant to the actual content this blog was intended for.

EDITED: After reading this back I now realize this is really just me spilling the tea on my own life and is laughably dishy in details which is extremely not my usual stance on my personal privacy. But idk, it was cathartic so I'm leaving it as is despite the urge to redact 70% of what I say.

I'll start with the good news that I am officially out of lockdown and have remained COVID-19 free since my return home from the hospital. This also means my son finally was allowed to come home to me which is dazzling and exciting and also a little terrible too. He's at a precocious age where tantrums are the cool way to communicate and having been gone for so long completely thrashing his established routine has caused friction. He came home and his parent was not the same as when he left; is much weaker and less energetic than before, paler and shaky - but also there's the addition of my best friend having moved in to assist and take care of me/him while we all do our best to muddle through.

The readjustment has been rough and a lot of this week has made me incredibly thankful to have practically zero memory of how I was as a child. There have been injuries: I have been whacked in the face with the metal cover for a floor vent while dozing on the sofa instead of paying rapt attention to whatever silliness he was showing off to me, there was his complete dismissal of me asking him to stay back and away from the hot oven as I pulled lunch from it's fiery jaws only to then be faced with a toddler quickly approaching with his hand raised to touch so I naturally made a move to block him and in the process I let go of the oven door which slammed upward and clamped my arm tightly between it and the inside cavern of the oven while it was set to a roasty 400 degrees Fahrenheit - earning me a mangled arm with burns of varying degrees, and then we also had that fit where it seemed like a much more grand idea to scale the babygate cordoning the stairs and I had to rush up them to stop him from tumbling face first down two flights and of course did the falling all on my own and did it backwards then slammed painfully into the wall of the landing. This all happened within a 48hr time frame and makes me wonder why I am so catastrophically inclined.

I have bruises that range the majority of my spine courtesy of the wall and stairs, two minor first degree burns on my forearm that are in the shape of an equals and quite large despite the lack of actual pain I feel from them, and the underside of my forearm was instantly blistered then popped then melted down into a horrid glob of skin mush and sticky red-orange and is a second degree burn that I have been assured is no real cause for concern as long as I tend it with care. In all, I managed to escape my momjuries relatively unscathed and with a child that was scared senseless at having hurt his momma and is quick to listen and never stops cuddling me in the time since. Here's hoping he isn't significantly traumatized from this since exactly none of this is especially his fault and is due to my clumsy, accident-prone status in life.

So yes, The Toddler has returned home to me and after some happenings we have settled and are happy. However, his blast from the past father has suddenly just decided to reemerge after more than a year of radio silence and static and has slapped me with a custody petition. Hooray. While I have no worries on this matter due to my mother working for one of the top custody lawyers in the state and snagging him as my representation, and the utter lack of competency on my estranged baby daddy's end clearly being displayed in literally anything and everything the idiot does/says, I do have to now go through the overhaul of a custody case and that is just so weak and exhaustive. Not to mention the basis of his claims that I am not fit to raise a child are founded in my health concerns and the crazy work schedule I keep; ironically, my health is making it so that I have much less insane hours and makes this fairly moot but to each their own I guess. Also worth noting on this matter is that he only did this now because he was recently placed under penalty for child support back pay and nothing in this world matters to him like his money and this is his special way of getting one over on me for tampering with his meager earnings. (He's a wannabe musician - the soundcloud rapper sort, just so we are all on the same page here). If I thought for even a second this was a genuine desire to be an active and stable parent I would be a lot less pressed to act in favor of making it legally binding that he can only see him under a supervisory condition and share time evenly, but it just is not believable in the slightest.

So the thing is - my health is actually quite dismal presently. I'm due in for open heart surgery on the 8th of April and until then I have been doing my utmost to mind all the nagging I get from doctors, PT specialists, the surgeons that will be slicing and dicing me, and my in-family medical practitioner that sometimes remembers he is also my brother and not just an MD. But like, you guys, this surgery is terrifying and technically is two surgeries rolled into one. They'll be cracking my chest open and then stopping my heart while they lift it from where it sits sweetly unhinged and lopsided in my body and very finely shave away some of the excess muscle that has built up around the wall of my heart as well as some unfriendly scar tissue that has lingered since my last surgery years ago. Granted there is no accidental slip that nicks my ugly gargantuan heart and renders me as good as dead, once this first part is finished the other surgeon will need to be deft and very quick to place this ventricular assisting piece in the valve that has all but given up on functioning altogether and do so in the time remaining before the time limit for my heart being essentially unplugged from by body is up, which would also feasibly mean my death. Lots of exciting and terrible sounding consequences, am I right?

Well let's bear it in mind that I am just below 30 in age and therefore not duly experienced in the realm of facing down my own mortality via making all necessary legal arrangements and managing my affairs and assets so that, in event of my untimely death, the custody case still doesn't stand a chance of snatching my son away to the sad misfortune of being raised by a man that has stated openly he only has interest in his kids so far as what they can do for him/get for him in terms of benefit and that he would be unwilling to be hypocritical and never deter his children from drugs and a lifestyle of extremely questionable moral integrity and hygiene alike. Eugh. But I also have had to make sure there is a DNR in place just in case things go wrong during the operation, my will has also been finalized and notarized, all my savings and financial/material assets have been squared away to come into my child's inheritance when he is of age and, most importantly, a document that states clear and direct instructions for him to be placed in care of my mother or, if she is unwilling or incapable, he will be under custodial order and guardianship of my best friend whom he has always viewed as a pseudo-dad anyway. Legally binding and even in light of the paternity petition this document supersedes parental right by way of the provided evidence I have submitted to prove a lack of parental credibility. That's right, I spent days lowkey stalking and sleuthing about to capture what I needed to show this man for what he actually is and I have precisely zero guilt or shame for doing it; this is my child on the line and that means momma doesn't have to play by the rules of snitches getting stitches or whatever other scary street rules he tosses at me as idle threats. (He's done this routinely for all the years I have known him, and it is somehow both pathetic and hilarious because he knows for a fact that, if I wanted, I could throttle him in less time than it would take for him to form a rational thought between his drug soaked braincells - I was also a person of less than savory character not too long ago and can handle myself very well. But I digress because I am losing my track of thought.

After the surgery I will have so damn much PT and rehab, all of which will be specific to varying parts of my body that will need to be reworked and strengthened. Weeks, months of it really. This surgery is major and hits heavy enough that I will be in the hospital for at least 10-14 days just recovering from it without taking into consideration any number of complications that could pop up. Hell, if they get in there and find a situation worse than they currently have an understanding of in the limited capacity of cardiology tech can provide of such a gnarled beastly heart and realize they can't really do anything with it after all, I'll be added to the transplant list. I think this is more daunting to consider than the surgery, honestly.

In that way that doctors have about them, I was "comforted" by being informed that this was an inevitability and I would have been faced with this in a matter of years - less than a handful actually - but the way COVID-19 chewed through me sped it up. I'm sure my years of substance issues were also very helpful in this endeavor, but either way I still am unsure whether I feel better knowing this or not? Mostly I think I feel conflicted and hopeful tempered with the caution of life being super shady in the ways it has often brought me to the doorsteps of dying in situations that seem like odd chance. I also am gifted with being so capable in jinxing myself that I brought myself to COVID-19 ("The way life is going I'll probably square up with Rona next week or some bullshit." Positive test flagged within the following week) and also into labor ("Watch me go into labor on Labor Day since that would be the sort of universal pun that would strike my bad penny having ass." Indeed hatched my youngling on Labor Day of that year) by saying some things within the scope of my bad humor that instantly manifested as reality so I'm not taking any risks here lol.

The gist is that life is really stirring up the winds over here and so I haven't been online and posting anything that would make my blog valid in a fat minute. I do apologize for this and also for the fact that this post took me nearly a week to type up, but when things calm a little I will be back in full. For the time being I will be sporadic and do what I can when I can!

Thanks to anyone that read this mess all the way here! And a big thank you to all of you still supporting me!

[movedkagen]

hey so before i get to working on replies again i do want to analyze gojo  ( what’s new )  and discuss some aspects of his healing process.     tbh i could never properly analyze the stages of thinking that gojo underwent during geto’s defection and afterwards in one post,   but i ranted about it a bit on discord and I’m hoping to get it to make sense here.

what namely sparked this analysis was me finding two different translations of the same panel,   which is a flashback from when gojo approaches megumi and takes him in.     at one point, megumi asks if he’ll have to become a sorcerer  ( in order to keep tsumiki happy ), and gojo said yes,   but the translation is wildly different depending on which you read.

GIGANTIC  ANALYSIS  OF  GOJO’S  GRIEF  POST  STAR  VESSEL  ARC / GETO’S  DEFECTION  UNDER  THE  CUT.

the first is close to the gojo we've been seeing all throughout this past arc,   the gojo that doesn't really care for people weaker than him:   it continues to frame gojo as this unreachable glass sealing,   this limitless individual who believes only the strongest will survive.

however,   the second has a far  different  meaning,   and is closer to the gojo we met initially:

the second is close to the gojo we see now,   who is faithful and even  hopeful  in the next generation's ability to surpass him.      the second translation is also really important not just to how gojo in general is characterized,   but also in the way that i perceive gojo's healing process and what him seeking out megumi meant to his character.

in order to take that apart,   i first have to address how i view the famous kfc breakup scene:   i  don’t  think  it  was  the  moment  gojo  and  geto  realized  they  had  opposing  ideals.      i  think,   purely  because  geto  didn’t  clue  him  into  why  he  felt  the  way  he  did,   gojo  was  forced  to  get  ideals  of  his  own.

gojo was in ethical limbo after geto left.     geto was,   according to gege,   gojo's moral compass.   and geto just walked off a ledge that he himself pulled gojo back from just the year before.   in essence,   it's not an opposition of ideals at all,   because honestly,   at that point, gojo doesn't  have  any ideals of his own.      call it coping,   call it neurodivergency,   call it the fact that this is the only type of life he ever expected to live having come from a powerful sorcerer clan,   but gojo never seemed to  care  much about the purpose in his work or what it meant to himself or others.     it was just something he did because he had the ability to,    and because at that point in time it was simply what sorcerers like him  did.

there's a BIT of delinquency before the star vessel arc,   but it's more in him wanting to do things HIS way because he's been under his family's control all his life before coming to tokyo tech.   however,   at the end of the day,   gojo completes his jobs and his tasks without much second thought to it.     he doesn’t question why he does jobs,   and almost treats them like a game to show his own strength.     geto even tries to convince him there's purpose in what they do and gojo laughs it off and says that sort of philosophy is for the weak and that he thinks it’s a load of self - righteous  crap.

fast forward to when geto leaves.     he's been following either the school or geto's lead in terms of  intent  for years now and he's been comfortable that way.   so when geto leaves,   gojo can’t understand why.   he says things like "you can't" and "that's crazy talk" but he has no other reasoning to support that:

he just says it because what geto is doing is so  outside  of what the normal duties are,   which is why geto pretty easily argues against it and gojo has no rebuttal.   geto very easily turns that entire argument upside down,   and shakes gojo’s  entire  sense  of  self  with  a  single  counter:

and gojo can’t understand it.     he can’t argue it.     gojo is less arguing because he opposes his ideals and more arguing that he can't break away from the system because  he's  never  thought  to  himself.     it's like a child refusing to accept something simply because they don't understand it,    like if they deny it entirely then it isn't real and can't bother them.

this is  also  why i think he made the motion to attack him;   he was never  going  to fight him,   it was more about doing whatever was possible / in his power to try and force geto to stay because he didn't want to accept he was leaving.   and if geto  had  stayed, gojo would have found a way to absolve him of his crimes because at the end of the day,   it  wasn't  that  he  was  opposed  to  geto's  mindset.      he  was  opposed  to  geto  leaving.

geto was the single person who  ever  made him think about his motives and stopped him from doing things he knew he was capable of.     with geto gone,    gojo is totally lost and he is not coping effectively.      he wouldn't empty out geto's room at all because that would mean he really left,   so he didn't. not for weeks, or months, or even a  year  after it happened.     he refused to do it and he threw a tantrum if anyone else tried to go near the room at all.     there was a surplus of rooms,   so that room was left alone almost like a grave for a long time.

during that intermediate period,   gojo wasn't even sure where he stood anymore.     he really questioned if he even  wanted  to be a sorcerer because if geto didn't do it anymore,   why  should  he?     he's never had compassion for non - shamans like geto did.     what was he doing it for at all,    then?    

gojo was at a crossroads where he was between being a weapon for the higher ups that he didn't even like to begin with or following someone he  did  care about and respect,   down a path that he knew to be wrong but realized he'd never once asked himself why.     

gojo was moody.     sometimes he'd be too reckless on jobs,   and other times he would rebel and outright refuse to go on missions because he was lashing out at the control he let them have over him.     he was a loose cannon and while he had yet to start actively being an enemy to the higher ups  ( at this time i hc he never really threatened them or demanded to know their every move ),   he was still powerful enough where they knew if they  couldn’t  get him under their control, they might lose everything  ------  and frankly, if geto  and  gojo defected,   they'd never be able to recover from that.   at that point if they had a way to kill him, i truly believe they would have and i'm sure there was at least an attempt,   which i have a separate headcanon for.

but healing has to start somewhere.     he clearly  does  have a shift in mentality where he  does  care about protecting those weaker than him,   and that's the first step.     it's gojo accepting he can't go geto's route because he doesn't hate the world like geto does.     he hates the people who oppress it.     the next step is accepting geto left,   which is hard.   after about 2 years he and shouko clean out geto's room and it's really hard on him,   it's a very emotional event and it's a very delayed acceptance that he is gone.

the final step in his decision to heal   ( heal being a strong word since the man never gets therapy and is clearly still traumatized )   is investigating those final words toji left him with,   that  "do what you want"  regarding his child.

i have said that i don't hc he went there to get megumi,   but he just went there to see him and see what the big deal was.      but then he found out about the deal and something compelled him to go and investigate,    and when he met megumi,    he didn't find toji's  "trump card"  or some secret weapon.     he found a child.     a child that was abandoned and destined to turn out like himself or geto or toji and he  very  impulsively decided to take him and tsumiki in and stop the deal entirely.

that  was the first time he opposed the higher ups for real.     that  was the first time he said  "i'm getting in the way of this and if you try and stop me i WILL attack you and kill you all"  and while he's an outsider with seemingly  nothing  to gain from that,   they have no choice but to let him because no one can stop him.    

that second translation of  "become strong enough to leave me behind"  speaks volumes about the way i perceive gojo's shift in perception over one of the hardest segments of his life ... how i view the process in which he went from not caring about the weak at all to becoming a man who "won't forgive anyone who takes another person's youth",    which would have happened to megumi and tsumiki if toji's deal went through.   

maybe he didn't understand protecting the weak out of a sense of nobility,   but protecting one's youth?     one's right to be happy?     he DOES get that.     and that is what guides him towards compassion.     it's a really good line in what i saw as the  "final step"  in him moving on from the events of the star vessel arc and moving towards becoming the person and teacher he is now, and of course his road there is neither linear nor perfect,   but this is his turning point.

[giogio-gucci-gangstar]

Oranges Have Feelings Too

Thank you @hoetaro-kujo for entering my little writing raffle! Hopefully you like this!!!

Summary: You and Mista enter a prank war against Fugo and Narancia. 

CW: Nicholas Cage 

“Babe?” Mista called from the other room. You shifted in your seat. Your head was still dangling off the edge of the couch as you bookmarked the page of your latest mystery thriller, eventually sitting up.

The world spun a bit as he blood rushed out of your head before you replied. “Yes?” You were a bit hesitant. You weren’t sure if this was going to be one of his sweet and sassy moods, or if he was already scheming for some fun. Either worked for you, even though you were on the shyer side, Mista and the gang made you feel comfortable to be yourself. It also helped that you loved Mista and everything he did. 

As you walked to the kitchen to meet him, you tried to smooth down the wrinkles in your hoodie. 

“So,” Mista threw a nut into his mouth, “remember THE INCIDENT?” By the way he said it, Mista was definitely hinting at something specific. But with him, there were too many incidents to count. 

“When No. 5 got scared and tried to crawl up your-“ Mista cut you off quickly.

“GOD NO!” While that event had been traumatizing, for both of you, it was not the incident he was referring to. Given how he nervously bit his lip, it would seem the incident he was talking about rattled him more emotionally… 

“Ya know…” he managed to spit out. He made a few incomprehensible hand gestures and continued, “the one with Narancia and Fugo?” He raised his eyebrows suggestively, hinting that you should definitely remember what had happened with them… Simultaneously refusing to give you any more details. 

“Oh come on Mista stop being so cheeky and just tell me!” You were getting a little frustrated at this game of his. 

But he just batted his eyes at you from across the kitchen, “I thought you liked my butt cheeks…” 

“Oh shut up!” you were a little flustered so it took a moment to carefully choose your next guess. “Was it when we walked in on Fugo and Narancia kissing?” You offered. 

“Noooo! How many times do I have to tell you, they weren’t kissing! They were just trying to bandage the cuts from where they had stabbed each other! At most it was a brotherly hug.” He was getting frustrated now. Apparently the incident he was talking about was too difficult to physically talk about. 

“Ohhhh was it when they, ya know, wrote,” Mista’s eyes bulged terrified that you would say the cursed word, “a certain scary number, all over your clothes?” Mista was shaking from the memory. 

It had been a terrifying day for him. He nearly pulled his hair out because he couldn’t find a single article of clothing without a number 4 written all over it in black ink. You had never seen him so stressed, clothes were being thrown all over his room, and lights broke, but his high pitched screams pierced all other noises. 

“Yes yes that one!!” Mista was flailing his arms around, so excited that you had guessed correct. 

“So now that I’ve won your little game of charades, will you tell me why we’re playing?” You couldn’t help but tease him back. The boy was so outrageous your sarcasm just dripped when he was around. 

“Well,” ah there was that glint in his eye. He was already incredibly handsome, but when he was feeling mischievous his eyes were almost radiant. He puffed out his chest a bit and he folded his arms with a certain swagger. 

“I have found a way to get revenge.” 

“Oh really?” You leaned over the kitchen island looking at him. “And what might that be?” Sure it was probably a little immature to scheme against your teammates, who hopefully weren't eavesdropping from their rooms down the hall. But a little prank war was necessary for morale, no matter how many times Buccellati and Abbacchio insisted it wasn't. 

Mista’s face lit up in a maniacal grin, “I’m going to convince Narancia that some fake facts are true!” He was so excited he was practically vibrating. 

“Remember how angry Fugo was when Narancia told him the earth was flat? It's like two birds with one stone! Tricking Narancia and pissing off Fugo!” Mista was very proud of his plan. He was practically patting himself on his back. 

“I think the next one will be that vaccines don't work! Or that birds are government surveillance drones!” Mista kept prattling on about nonsense conspiracy theories, that Narancia would be very easily convinced were true. 

Of course you were very proud of him, and obviously that would be hilarious to watch. But you remembered how terrified he was by their last prank… He needed to do something even worse back to them. Funny for you two to watch of course, but also just a little scarring for the boys. 

“That would be hilarious, but maybe you want to do something a little more permanent? Like really screw with their heads and stuff?” Mista scrunched up his eyebrows and looked at you in confusion. 

“Just because their last joke was a little… cruel? I think we should be a little edgier with our retaliation strike.” You were a little worried he would think you were taking it a step too far, but after a few more seconds of pondering, his face lit up again. 

“Lets do it!” You met his grin with a warm smile. This was going to be a very exciting day. 

“So. What do you have in mind?” Mista asked, but the gears were already spinning in your mind. 

“Who does Fugo hate most in the world?” 

“Always himself, sometimes Narancia…” He stopped to think for a little, “Oh and always Nicholas Cage.” 

“Brilliant! Now, what is Narancia’s favorite food?” This was the real clincher. Yes, Narancia was baby, but he was also a baby who carried a switch blade and was super excited to use it. 

“Uhhh maybe strawberry cake? Oranges? Chocolates? Really I don't think he would turn down anything sweet.”

“Perfect.” It was all coming together. 

~~~~~~~

“I don't think i ever need to see Nicholas Cage’s face again.” Mista complained as he slid down the closed door of Fugo’s room.  

“Too bad you’re looking at him right now,” you snickered as you held up a print of him in front of your face. You were pretty proud of your handiwork. There was not an inch of Fugo’s room that was not covered in Nicholas Cage’s face. Mista had even wrapped his pencils and books with the wrapping paper you had custom printed. You were down about 50 Euros, but it was a small price to pay when you saw Fugo’s reaction to this masterpiece.  

The clock struck 12 and you heard the ridge door open in the kitchen. Aaaaand here he was. Right on time. 

“WHAT THE FUCK!” His scream was muffled by the door, but evidently he had seen Nicholas Cage’s face duct taped on his sandwich too. You quickly pulled Mista into Fugo’s closet so you could have prime seats of the impending meltdown. 

Fugo’s footsteps were heavy as he pounded his way down to his room. You had to cover Mista’s mouth to keep him from snickering and giving away your position. Then there it was, the fateful turn of the doorknob. 

You peered through a crack in the door and saw a look of pure terror spread across Fugo’s face as he saw even his bed covered in Nicholas Cage’s face. He took a shaky breath and tore back the comforter to see that Nicholas Cage was IN his bed too. His breath was coming in fast bursts as he spun around the room. He spun again. And then again, before releasing an unearthly howl. 

“MISTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” 

Mista couldn't contain his laughter anymore and cackled his ass off as he sprinted out of the closet and down the hall before Fugo could catch him. 

~~~~~~~

“Are you ready for this responsibility Number Five?” Mista held the little Sex Pistol up to his face. The poor little guy was crying tears of joy, he was never chosen for anything and now he was given one of the greatest responsibilities: to help Mista prank Narancia. 

Number Five gave a small mumble of affirmation and an enthusiastic nod of his head. All amidst happy tears. Mista gave him a piece of salami before cutting a little hole in the orange for Number Five to hide in. He carefully stuck the skin back over Number Five’s little hole, and placed the bait on the kitchen counter. 

You sat at the table watching and waiting for everything to go down. Sure, you were the mastermind of this operation but you weren't foolish enough to get caught. You had to preserve your spot as everyone’s friend in the gang. 

“Oi Narancia!” Mista called the boy playing video games in the other room. 

“Yeah?” 

“I just got some oranges, do you want one?” Mista was awful at hiding his plan. He was snickering so badly he had to cover his face with his hand. But those big brown eyes always gave his mischief away. 

Luckily Narancia was too preoccupied with the thought of food to notice. He promptly paused his game, and strolled into the kitchen. You knew he would pull out the biggest and juiciest orange so you just waited. 

He started to peel it, then paused when he heard a small whimper coming from the orange. 

“Ow!” A brief look of confusion passed over Narancia’s face. He must have figured it wasn't real. 

“It hurts!” There it was that little voice again. Narancia’s eyes shot open in confusion. He held the orange farther away from his body as he turned to Mista. 

“Oranges don't have feelings, right?” Narancia was hesitant in asking his question. 

“Well,” Mista paused trying to sell his character, “I did see this documentary that said plants can feel pain. Especially trees when they’re being cut down.” Narancia just stared at the little orange cupped in his hands. 

“Please don't peel my skin! It hurts!!” This time Narancia was sure he heard a voice. While scared that his food was talking, it was pretty damn cool that he had made a scientific discovery. Narancia was so expressive, all of his thoughts played out on his face like a little show. 

He sprinted away, hopefully to find Fugo. 

Once he was gone, Mista keeled over you in a fit of laughter. 

“Ya know babe,” Mista pulled you against him in a tight hug, “that was pretty brilliant.” He placed a gentle kiss on your lips and held you tight. At least until the other boys figured it out. 

[squidproquoclarice]

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨ REVEAL WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DYING TO TELL US

Oh man, this is hard.  So...let’s go for an early one.  Back to chapter 6, “Death Is A Woman”.  I feel like that’s one of my better chapter/mission titles, and it comes from this line by Arthur: “Anyway, I’m sure Death’s gotta be a woman, Sister, cause seems even she won’t have me.”  I feel like that was one of those lines I typed and just had that excitement you get when you’re early in a writing project and still feeling out the characters and you hit a moment that just feels super right and like you actually nailed it. I really love this chapter because it’s things finally starting to settle from the frenzy of Sadie trying to get Arthur into a situation where his survival is even a possibility, even if a small hope.  And mostly because of the interaction I got to write between Arthur and Sister Calderón.  

For someone we see so briefly, she has a huge impact on him.  For a High Honor Arthur she and Rains Fall become arguably his spiritual and emotional counselors as he’s facing his mortality and this crisis of faith.  She’s the one who gives him such comfort and purpose at Emerald Station.  And given she said she was going to Mexico, and once I realized I was likely having Sadie and Arthur go there rather than New Austin to help avoid the law for a while, I knew that they had to meet again.  Them ending up in a TB sanatorium at Las Hermanas just made it inevitable. So this actually isn’t that long after Emerald Station, just a bit over a month or so.  And given in her last appearance Calderón tells us she had a husband, and did “bad things” herself in the past, it was a chance to flesh her character out a lot.  We also know she cares deeply for children, and does a lot to try to help street kids.

So Beatriz Lopez de Morales, former outlaw, was born.  I based the Tres Julios/Three Julios very loosely on the Five Joaquins.  “Beatriz” was deliberate because yeah, Beatrice Morgan and the connection of Calderón becoming a mother figure (and this follows to the point that Beatrice May Griffith, Sadie and Arthur’s daughter, is named for both Arthur’s mother and Calderón’s birth name.)  Given her particular care for children as a nun, it seemed possible she lost a child too, and like the Van Der Lindes, the Tres Julios came to an abrupt and violent end. She can understand grief and guilt and a sense of penance from a life of violence.  Given her particular focus on street kids, and her background as an outlaw, it seemed reasonable that she could recognize some of those hallmarks in Arthur as a street orphan. And this talk is something Arthur really needs at this point.  He’s struggling with his survival past his planned sacrifice, with the notion that if he fights off the TB, there’s a whole life that he doesn’t know what to do with, and a sense of atonement that feels impossible.  Dying would have been easy in some ways. And he’s telling her all this, and she’s giving him some of the answers he needs. “I didn’t ask whether you thought you deserved to be saved either. None of us deserve it. We all sin. We all hurt people. We all have hate and anger.” She got one hand on his shoulder, the other reaching up and tugging down the kerchief from his face, pulling it back down around his neck. Her hand touched his cheek, palm warm and callused, and he almost flinched back from it, her so casually touching him like this, given the clinic’s fairly strict rules about contagion. She looked him right in the eyes. “Do you want to be saved?” In that moment he felt an echo of that same power Dutch had woven into his words, the power of conviction. This little brown-skinned woman, former bandit queen and current nun, fighting for street brats, somehow didn’t want to let him go that easily. Not a question of deserving, only of wanting, and if he could be honest with himself, in his tired and aching heart, wasn’t this all he’d ever wanted? Someone to reach out and say there was some way out of the nightmare. He’d thought he’d had that in San Francisco those long years gone, but had he been just Dutch’s best and most versatile tool all along? It felt that way. “Yeah.” He barely managed it above a whisper, and then it was all too much, and everything overwhelmed him. And it’s at this point Arthur just loses his shit and starts crying.  That really cathartic full blown ugly crying.  And he really, really needs it given the trauma he’s been through and kept bottled up, not just from the in-game events but so much pain throughout his whole life, and how scared he is about what’s ahead.  I didn’t plan that but it was going to happen at some point, and it really made sense here when I started writing it.  And it made a lot of sense that he can safely do that with Calderón, given he could confide in her earlier some pretty deep things, including how frightened he was.  I didn’t want that to be a moment with Sadie, because she has enough burdens herself right then, and having only one person for your emotional support is...not great. From this it became clear Calderón was going to continue to be an important figure, and she also quickly forms a bond with Sadie, who’s also lacking that kind of informed support.  I think the angle of her adopting these two deeply traumatized ex-outlaws is a good and human thing for Calderón too rather than her just being a saintly nun making these two people her entire purpose (which for a WOC would be an issue).  Sadie and Arthur can understand her and her losses and her past as well in a way that nobody has since she took her vows, and she can speak about it with them.  So there’s an equal emotional support and companionship on both sides.  And, I love writing Calderón scenes even now, because she’s just such a lovely character with so much wisdom and humor and honesty.  If I could find a reasonable way for her to end up in Canada after 1911, I swear...

[bewareofchris]

Help! My plot is stalled!

It’s alright, friends.  We’ve all been there, sitting at a desk or laying in our beds, staring at the screen wondering what in the holy beef jerky has gone wrong because our ability to write has just come to a screeching halt.

We’re uninspired.

We’re unmoved.

We’re incapable of figuring out what happens next.

It’s time like this that our instinct is to grab a machete and start cutting through extraneous characters like a boiled steak knife through Jell-O.  We’re throwing romantic curve balls and car crashes at our protagonist so quickly they don’t have time to recover from one before they’re being traumatized by another.

Sometimes, we think, now is the time to reveal that our beloved Protagonist is actually an alien from another planet who survives by consuming the souls of lap dogs and his insatiable thirst for Pekineses is causing him great distress because the human mate he has chosen for himself has three such delicious morsels.

BUT, never fear my friends.  Here are some ideas to help you get out of that hellish valley of despair and back on track.

Take a break.  Have a snack.  Stretch your limbs.  Go for a walk.  Call a friend who listens to things and explain to them how your story is stupid and you hate it and it won’t move.  You don’t need to let your friend talk at all. Just keep complaining about your story until suddenly you realize what went wrong.

Daydream about what your character would do if you were to suddenly abandon him/her with six kids under the age of 5 at a busy theme park.  Or what he/she would do if they suddenly found themselves trying to talk two very angry kingly types out of starting a civil war because they disagree on which side of their toast to spread butter on.  Put your character in the MOST ridiculous scenario you could possibly imagine.  Make them rationalize their way out of it.  Don’t make it easy.  Six kids under the age of 5 when you’ve never dealt with children is basically hell.  Let your character suffer, and fail, improve and finally win (or at least survive).

Fantasize about beating your characters with a metal pipe.  Imagine their pleas for mercy as they try in vain to remind you that they are fictional constructs and this is not their fault.

Once you’ve cleaned your system of these violent urges toward non-real people, sit back down.  Re-read what you’ve written, if it’s still as bad as you thought it was, here are some actual bits of advice:

Regardless of what Rafiki once said about moving on and forgetting the past, the problem that you are presently experiencing is mostly caused by something that went wrong in the recent events of your story.  Take another look at the latest choices that your main or side characters made and ask yourself if maybe them making A DIFFERENT CHOICE might put your story back to rights.

Take another look at your character and his/her story so far.  Is your character excelling in every facet of his/her life?  Have they faced any obstacles that amounted to more than a mild inconvenience?  Are they generally well-liked?  Respected?  Do they have noticeable faults?  Are these faults presented in a way that allows other people to be annoyed by them?  Have these faults gotten in the character’s way?  If your main character is Too Good and Such Winning or Basically Useless and Always Failing then your story is imbalanced and it can’t move forward because you’re not allowing the protagonist to experience growth and change.

Are there relationships?  Friendships?  Family?  Rivalrys? ROMANCE?  You need relationships of at least 2 different types in a story.  Preferably more.  And they can’t all be the same kind with different names.  And they need to also be developing with your characters.  So Protag makes an unpopular choice with his family but his BFF is loving it and his Romantic Interest thinks it could be good for him.  You have so much material right there!

DO. NOT. MURDER. ANYONE.  Dismemberment is okay if you really want to have to take the time out of your story to focus on the emotional and physical effects that a traumatic event inflicts on your protagonist.

DO NOT MAKE YOUR ROMANTIC INTERESTS HATE EACH OTHER OVER SOMETHING STUPID.  Please.  Please don’t do this.  It’s really just not worth it.  If you make them so angry at one another they’re screaming death threats and then the next day they’re like: I guess we love one another again you cheapen the impact.  If this is a story about overcoming things and growing as people and forgiveness then yes, break them up and get them back together but don’t do it just to have an exciting screaming sequence.  Or do.  I mean, you do you.

Instead of tearing your couple apart, have them get together.  Have them spend a weekend doing silly, childish, amazing things.  Let them smooch, and cuddle, and eat candy together.  Let them waste money they don’t staying overnight in a fancy hotel.

Visit a Significant Character from your Protag’s past because they are in need of comfort and guidance.  Allow them to reminisce about the good old days, and whine about how they don’t feel like they’ll ever be that happy again.  Let your Significant Character hit your Protag with a rolled up newspaper.  STOP BEING A NINNY, PROTAG.  STOP IT IMMEDIATELY.

Give your Protag an unexpected promotion.  You were just a kid that cleaned stables, but we noticed that you’ve got a real way about you that suggests you’re WIZARD MATERIAL.  Build that Protag up, let him feel pride and joy and love.

(And then make the person that promoted him have questionable morals.  Make him vaguely untrustworthy.  Watch your starry-eyed protag battle against a shady man of questionable intentions to see who wins in the end!  But not with the fate of the whole world.  Like the fate of a small village at most.)

Give your Protag the single worst day of his entire life that does not involve physical altercations and/or death.  Maybe he/she pulled a muscle having athletic sex that morning, was distracted by the pain in the shower,got soap in their eyes, limped to the car to find it was out of gas, went to a busy gas station, got coffee that was too cold to enjoy, was late to work, had more work than usual, the pain meds never started working, left his lunch at home, couldn’t buy anything because they ran out of time, had to listen to the Obnoxious Co-Worker next to them complaining about Obnoxious Co Workers Obviously Useless Significant Other for an hour and a half, left work late, forgot about plans to meet up with a friend, got ignored by friend at meet up, comes home and collapses in a pile of self-pity and physical pain and has Significant Other rub their aching pulled muscle and listen to their complaints.

You could do a car wreck, or you could just ruin your Protag’s entire life by having the transmission die in the middle of traffic.

The point I’m trying to get across here is that you have to have a journey that is balanced with ups and downs.  If you’re only going up, or you’re only going down, or you’re not going anywhere at all but straight forward on a 300 mile car trip across a flat surface with no trees, there’s no story there.

You could shoot someone, or you could have your Protagonist do something that injures their relationship with their Best Friend and Confidante.  Then your Protag protests their innocence to the point that it’s obvious they are being Stupid now.  Let them roll around in undeserved pity.  Let nobody else agree with them, and still they refuse to acknowledge they are stupid.  And then let them FINALLY, sort of, a little, admit they were wrong and instead of them offering a half-assed apology and moving on like it never happened, make them work to repair the damage they inflicted.  

Put your Protag in a position where they have to defend a friend/family member or romantic interest in a non-physical way.  Susan from Biology was telling Quentin and Theodore that Protag’s BFF eats his own snot.  And Protag is like OH MY GOD I’M GOING TO GO FIND SUSAN AND SCREAM A STRONGLY WORDED LETTER AT HER.  (or start vicious rumors about her behind her back, and take utterly glee at her humiliation, and then finally think: did I go to far?  I don’t think I went too far.)

DO. NOT. GET. SOMEONE. PREGNANT.  Do you knows what happens when someone’s pregnant?  They end up with a baby.  (Or a miscarriage.)  That pregnancy cannot be handwaved away.  If you’re not here to write about the amazing journey from sex to birth and lifetime of parenting that follows, you are not here to get someone knocked up for the drama.

Sure, let your Protag develop a desperate attraction to someone’s that not the Primary Love Interest but if the Primary Love Interest and Protag already have sexual and romantic tension building between them, maybe let the audience know that this is one of those things where you’re lonely and you want companionship and it’s not really that fair to Someone You Just Met and Now Want to Have Sex With.  Let Primary Love Interest struggle to be supportive.  or let Protag and Primarily Love Interest be mean-spirited little shits and mock the poor Someone You Just Met.

DO. NOT. MURDER. AN. ENTIRE. VILLAGE.  Did a spell go bad?  Did a curse escape?  Did your magical being accidentally create a sixteen foot tall metal horse with a thirst for squirrel hearts?  Remember that wholesale murdering of innocent side characters nobody cares about does effectively nothing for your story.  Don’t kill the entire village.  Let your character freak out because he/she misplaced a curse and ANYONE COULD HAVE IT.  Let them ransack the village developing a reputation as a mad man to find it.  Let him work furiously to develop a cure to the curse and refuse to rest until everyone’s been inoculated against said Curse, and then idk, he finds it on the floor under his work station.  Or, let him realize a curse is missing and he just kind of says nothing while he watches the village to see how effective it is.

SIDE QUESTS, so here me out.  This works best for longer stories and serial type works of fiction, but if your character has only one goal and never any other goals or distractions or purposes or interests you are seriously shooting yourself in the foot.  Don’t focus all your energy on Protag Loves Love Interest.  Protag also has Family Drama.  (Did you hear that Bobert is trying to buy a fucking boat?  A boat!  Why does he need a boat!  He can’t swim.  He’s going to die.  A boat.  A god damn boat.)  Protag has ambitions at work that are being undercut by Evil Boss.  (And anyway, Worst Boss Ever, he just comes over and drops this massive work load on my desk and he smiles at me because the Main Boss is coming tomorrow and my desk will be the only one covered in unfinished work.  What choice do I have?  I can’t quit, I need this promotion, so I stick to it.  I stay late, I work as hard as I can and...)

I know it’s not for everyone but Sex.  Unless your characters are Too Young to have a developed sexuality, that sexuality needs to be in your story.  I mean, if your entire story takes place and Grandma’s funeral, then you probably can skip this one.  But if your story takes place over any length of time, sex and sex-adjacent things need to be brought up.  They don’t need to be graphic.  They don’t need to be gross.  It can be a kiss, or the yearning for a kiss.  It can be a meaningful, flirtatious touch.  It can be the idea of a flirtatious touch.  There can be complaints of a need for flirtatious touches.  To each their own comfort level, but some sense of sexuality and how that is a Driving Urge in your character is also good.

Introduce a Rival.  Go ahead.  Let your uncontested King of Bowling protag meet a New Challenger.  Send them spiral with fear that they may not be top dog anymore.

Force your Protag and Antagonist to form a momentary truce.  Let them come to some understanding of the other that makes their future interactions more difficult.  

Strike your Protag with a Great Unfairness.  They didn’t get the promotion.  They couldn’t pay the bills.  They weren’t selected to be court jester.  They didn’t get to the store on time.  Someone else got to the top of the summit before them and now they’re basically trash to history.

Randomly have your supposed Antagonist turn out to Actually a Decent Guy that you’ve been blaming for all the wrongs in the world because it was convenient and really the actual antagonist can’t be defeated because he/she overpowers you somehow.  But with Actually a Decent Guy and his Surprisingly Nice Friends and you and your friends, you stand a chance.

Push your protagonist into a mud puddle.  Just for shits and giggles, make it so there’s not a dead body in there with him.  Or put one in if you want.  Nothing says ‘happy fun times at plot-stalled high’ like a decomposing corpse where one shouldn’t be.

Break your Protagonists heart, and let there be people that love them.  

Have fun, take your time, embrace the mundane and ridiculous aspects of life.  ALWAYS give your character flaws, and make them aware of them, and let them grow.  That’s the story.  All the other nonsense, the car wrecks and gunshots, and serial killers doesn’t matter in the end.  The reader is looking for Relationships That Matter and Characters that Grow.  Characters that stink of humanity, that reflect something about human beings the reader has met (or the reader themselves).  They want to connect, they want to love your character and they can’t do that if your character is Perfect.  Nobody’s perfect.  Stories stagnate when they can’t grow.  Let your story grow.  Let your characters grow.

[itsclydebitches]

Let me start by saying that I love all of your meta and analysis soooo much especially the ones about Ozpin. I was curious to hear what what do you think are some legit motally grey things/mistakes he did, not the garbage the haters love to throw around. The only things I can think of are either in an impossible situation with only shitty options (where I don't really consider the decisions as immoral since morality needs agency and the chance of a better choice) like with Pyrrha and Oscar (1/2)

Thank you, anon! And honestly? I couldn’t agree more. I often say that Ozpin has made mistakes partly so that people don’t blow off the points I’m trying to make with, “Oh an Ozpin stan. Ignore her, she thinks he can do no wrong and thus can’t provide an objective opinion.” But honestly? Not all mistakes are created equal. There are mistakes one makes because they’re selfish, foolish, didn’t bother to take precautions---things that are preventable and therefore invite heavy criticism and an acknowledgment of responsibility. However, there are also mistakes that, as you say, are simply outside of your control. You don’t have the information available to make an informed and therefore better choice, or you simply just have bad choices from the get-go. For me, the vast majority of Ozpin’s mistakes are the latter. 

Overall, I think the largest mistake he bears responsibility for is prioritizing his love for Salem over basic ethics. AKA, choosing to become a wannabe god with her and encouraging this mentality that they are intrinsically superior to everyone else in Remnant. Granted, there are many other factors involved in this, including Salem’s status as a creature now consumed by darkness (she was heading down this road no matter what Ozpin may have done differently) as well as her abuse towards Ozpin, her manipulation, and the sheer overwhelming terror of the goal Light set him. Which just reinforces that all Ozpin’s mistakes are understandable to one extent or another. He’s human and his mistakes resonate because, if people are honest with themselves, they’d probably admit, “Yeah. If I found the love of my life again I’d be tempted to ignore Light’s warning about her too. If I was offered a life of luxury and power under the guise of protecting the people, I might cave and go along with that as well...” We get how Ozpin got to that point, we may admit we couldn’t have done better, but we likewise understand that the man he became, regardless of how he got there---from natural human desires to abuse---isn’t okay. As Oz and his host ask themselves, “What are we doing?” And we see how he comes back from that edge. How he rejects that sort of power later when it’s offered to him after the Kingdoms were reunited. Ozpin learned from his mistakes. 

Which adds further complications to his choices in the present day. Just as Ozpin learned that the world doesn’t need him as an all-powerful figurehead, he likewise learned that sharing secrets leads to nothing but the worst kind of consequences. The first time he reveals what he’s hiding? His wife announces that she’s going to take over the world, then murders their children, then him. A more recent time he reveals information? A very close friend betrays him to said wife. Tries to kill him. Nearly kills his allies. Is eventually killed himself. The latest time he was forced to reveal information? People are shouting, grieving, he’s punched into a tree, the one friend still at his side completely rejects him. 

The fandom points to Ozpin’s lies and secret keeping among the group as his greatest mistakes and yes, objectively I agree. Without context I can say no, he shouldn’t have made a promise if he didn’t intend to keep it. He should have just told them that there were questions left, or that the relic attracted grimm. But the thing is that context is there and it always matters. I’ve spoken before about how I think Ozpin made that promise with precisely zero expectation that he’d ever be put into a situation where he might conceivably break it, that I’d also hesitate to tell a group that there were invaluable questions left when they were clearly eager to use them recklessly (which they then did), and that keeping the grimm aspect secret was the only logical course of action because telling them would just attract more. But even ignoring all of the potential justifications attached to each choice, I simply don’t believe we can ignore Ozpin’s trauma. I might not have lied to people like that, but I haven’t been horrifically traumatized for a thousand years whenever I do tell someone information. Ozpin has been conditioned not to tell people and though yes, everyone technically has free will, trauma like that will “force” you to take what you perceive as the only safe option. It fucks with your perception and your understanding of what even is an option in this situation. Ozpin simply no longer has the ability to go, “I’ll trust them!” like the others around him do and their reactions certainly didn’t help teach him otherwise. Imagine that for a thousand years you’re punched every time someone lifts their hand. Then someone you’ve just met demands that you stop flinching whenever they raise theirs. No matter how much you may want to stop, you can’t. Not immediately on someone else’s order. The human experience doesn’t work that way. 

(As a side note, the reason why I emphasize a thousand years so much is because I believe the extent of the trauma and its implied consistency is really relevant here. As is the close tie between that trauma and Ozpin’s choices. There are many other characters out there who I don’t believe “But they had a hard life!” excuses their actions: Snape, Bakugo, recently what I’ve read of Yennefer---among others. It’s notable to me that Ozpin didn’t endure traumatic events by revealing information and then, say, go abuse his students for years. Or tell someone to kill themselves. Or take over someone else’s mind. Not only is his trauma more extensive than the vast majority of characters we meet, but he hasn’t used that trauma as an excuse to get away with horrific---and unrelated---choices. The love of my life rejected me and then died... so I’m going to abuse eleven-year olds under my care. My mom is demanding and people cater to me too much... so I’m going to gleefully beat up my weakest classmate. I dealt with being ugly for a good chunk of my life and now can’t have kids... so I’m going to take away someone’s autonomy and endanger a whole town. Unlike most other characters with tragic backstories, Ozpin has a one-to-one correlation between that hard life and the mistakes he’s made: people hurt me when I tell them things... so I just won’t tell them things. By keeping that strong connection it eliminates the possibility that Ozpin is just using his trauma as an excuse (knowingly or otherwise) and he is, notably, still a good person beyond those very specific choices. We see his horror at the decisions he has to make. We see his endless attempts to be as kind towards others as possible. We see how much he’s fought not to allow his trauma to warp him into a person he’d despise. A person like Salem. Just like not all mistakes are created equal, for me not all people making mistakes are equal either. I’m less likely to forgive your mistakes if you’re an all around horrible person. You’re clearly a good person trying your best? Your mistakes are easier to stomach and, as discussed above, I’m more inclined to assume that these mistakes stem from things outside of your control. If someone who has been nothing but cruel to me lied I’d automatically be pissed. If someone who has been nothing but kind to me lied, I’m inclined to ask them why they did that, expecting that there’s a good reason attached to that decision.) 

So did Ozpin make mistakes? Technically yes, but I think they were mistakes largely outside of his control. Either he only had shit options available to him or he was in a position where the group demanded something of him that his mental health simply wouldn’t allow. People have to remember that we’re not Ozpin (insert obligatory, “He’s fictional” here). We have more options available to us when it comes to our choices, simply by means of not having gone through what he has. His choices are always limited, both by outside factors and his own experiences, and they likewise always have inevitable downsides. Ozpin doesn’t get the luxury of choosing anything that turns out well. 

As a final note, with Volume 7 underway I’d say that another potential mistake has been introduced: making Pyrrha the Fall Maiden. Meaning, unless the story reveals that Winter actually can’t become the next Winter Maiden due to her age (unlikely given that others have said the non-canonical age limit is 30), it raises the question of why he’d choose a 17 year old over a 20-some graduate. However, to me this is pretty clearly a writing issue. The creators were more concerned with keeping the story revolved around RWBYJNR than they were the implications of having Ozpin choose Pyrrha over a more suitable adult. So though yes, I’d technically consider that another mistake.... obviously not much Ozpin could do against his own creators lol. 

Which finally leads to me saying that although Rooster Teeth seems to want us to believe that Ozpin is a morally gray character, they haven’t succeeded in writing one well. That characterization requires a fair balance between what most would consider “good” and “bad” traits. Not a good person presented with only bad choices. Or a character so horrifically conditioned that his ability to make a better decision is almost impossible. We wouldn’t call a person who was manipulated or forced into doing bad things a morally gray character, nor would we use that term if, somehow, they were sick and that led to those choices. That’s how I view Ozpin, mentally as opposed to physically sick. After a thousand years he needs evidence that trusting people and giving them his secrets won’t result in him being hurt. Until he’s shown that, expecting him to trust people just because they insist they are trustworthy is like asking someone with a broken leg to run you a race. They can try, but good look expecting them to succeed. 

[maple-writes]

WHG 13: Heist Part One

tagging @concealeddarkness13 @onmywaytobe @nightskywriter and @ratracechronicler (Let me know if you’d like anything changed!)

Indigo wasn’t usually nervous at these grand events, but then again, she usually wasn’t planning on helping attack the president. Up until now everything had gone relatively well, only a few snags and hitches here and there that weren’t too difficult to smooth out. But now it was the big night. 

It wasn’t everyday she got to dress nice. Her dress was silver, with a deep plunging neckline and gemstones embedded into the fabric that made it glitter like sunlight off a brook. Black heels matched black silk gloves that hid Snows tracker tucked away inside.

She stood between Logan and Margot masquerading as avoxes as the elevator took them higher and higher up to the rooftop pavilion. The others would be there later on. Indigo leaned back against the side wall, watching through the window as it took her higher and higher. At this time of day, with the sun sinking lower in the sky, it was beautiful.

The two pseudo-avoxes seemed already suited for their roles, standing silent, tense, and glancing at each other without a word. Indigo looked between them, then up at the display on top of the doors. Still had a good few floors to go.

“Lighten up, alright?” She glanced between the two of them. “Keep your heads down and stay out of the way and hardly anyone will give you a second look. Just stick to the walls, pay attention, and do what I tell you.” When they didn’t look any less nervous, Indigo smiled. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to make you do anything weird.”

The door dinged and they stepped out onto the rooftop. They were far from the first to arrive, music already playing, people already dancing. Indigo wasted no time picking up a glass of wine from the nearest server and joining in, sending Logan to find somewhere to hang her jacket. Going straight for Snow would be far to obvious and besides, she had all night.

She spied Snow’s advisor, the one who’d snuck up on them in the hovercraft hanger, and made her way up to him.

“There you are!” She greeted him with a smile and finished off her glass, handing it to Margot to deal with. “How has it been with the Retriever?”

He rolled his eyes. “Oh, is that what you’re thinking of calling it?”

“Maybe,” Indigo shrugged, holding out her hands dismissively. “As I said, it’s a prototype. I’m still brainstorming on it.” She glanced back over her shoulder at the dance floor, then back at him. “Would you care to join me?”

He agreed, and she shooed Margot and Logan to wait over by the wall as she let him guide her to the edge of the floor. She laid her hands over his shoulders, grinning as they moved further and further into the crowd where the music grew louder with every swing.

Snow’s advisor seemed to be enjoying himself too. “So,” He rested a hand on her waist. “What ever happened to that little avox you were telling me about the other day?”

“Oh, well,” She swayed, following his lead. “He died.” They stepped in time with each other as Indigo gave an exasperated sigh. “Started seizing during the night, heart stopped by morning.” She paused with the rhythm of the dance.

The advisor laughed uncomfortably. “That’s too bad, I hope it wasn’t all because of me.”

“Too early to tell.” Indigo smiled and blinked with lengthened eyelashes. “Though I did have to put our encounter on the report, just in case we find anything in the autopsy.” She laughed, and the tension seemed to ease from his face. “Don’t loose sleep over him, he was just an avox.”

He seemed put at ease, starting to smile again as they danced, weaving between the others like schooling fish until the song ended and they parted ways. She sent Logan for another glass of white wine as she took in the scene. It was well decorated, even for Snow’s parties, with lights criss crossing the open sky, a live band, tables of elaborate food displays, and the novelty of having her Retriever to one side of the room. It had already gathered a decent crowd, with party goers stroking its fur and playing with it. A couple even let it lick their face, laughing at the mess it made of their makeup. Indigo took a sip of her wine. It even looked like someone had given it a bath with the way it’s fur seemed just a bit fluffier than when it had left her lab.

The other small crowd at the other end of the room must have been for Skylar. She could hear questions being thrown out from where she stood. So many of them were repeats too, as if no one was really paying attention to the answers they gave to anyone else. Hopefully that little Challenge To Control had patience. They must have, otherwise they were very good at speaking through electrical shocks. Indigo took another drink from her glass. Too bad they were going to be rescued tonight. Umbra Ursi could benefit from someone like them, though something told her it wouldn’t work out anyway. Sure, they had the temperament, but someone would have to keep a very close eye on them lest their good morals get in the way. Oh well. She’d let that one slide for the reward of crashing the presidents party.

Speaking of which…

She glanced up at the head table where Snow stood dressed to the nines and talking to someone, probably the head game maker. He looked down at her when he noticed her watching. Grinning, she raised her glass towards him, and he halfheartedly returned the gesture as she finished her drink. Oh if only he knew.

Out of the elevator, the first batch of stowaways stepped out onto the rooftop. The others wouldn’t be far behind. Indigo smiled. Perfect.

The sun sunk lower as she rejoined the party, drinking and dancing with game makers, officials, and everyone in between. By the time she dismissed Margot and Logan to the sidelines and made her way up to the little platform where Snow’s table was laid out, she was giddy, cheeks flushed from the wine, and grinning ear to ear.

“Coriolanus!” She approached him with open arms, gesturing to the party below. “You’ve outdone yourself tonight!” She giggled, swaying a little as she leaned across the table towards him. “Come join me.” When he declined she shook her head, laughing like he’d told a joke. “What, and miss your own party? Come on, one dance and I’ll leave you alone” She stood up straight again, holding one gloved hand spread over her heart. “You have my word.” It was common knowledge that he wasn’t particularly fond of her, but hopefully he would remember it wouldn’t be a good look for him to offend her in public by refusing her a second time.

He said something about her word being worthless, but reluctantly agreed, requesting a shorter song on their way past the band. Short, but long enough. Long enough to say what he wanted to hear, drape her arms around his neck, slip the tracker out of her glove and tuck it under the collar of his suit jacket as he brought her in from a shallow dip. By the time they were done she couldn’t stop herself from smiling, but no doubt he and anyone watching would think it had everything to do with the wine and the party and nothing else.

She spotted Absolon chatting up a group of young party-goers and slipped the crowd towards them.

“There you are! I thought I heard you were coming.” She greeted him with a smile, resting a light hand on his arm as she turned towards his small crowd. “I hope you don’t mind if I steal him for a dance, do you?”

Absolon smiled along as she led him to the dance floor, and if she didn’t know better she would have thought it was genuine.

“Enjoying yourself?” She said as they danced.

This close he smelled like espresso, and he practically vibrated as he answered. “Great! Everything’s great!” He spoke a mile a second. “A night to remember for years and years to come am I right?”

Oh she sure hoped so. “Wonderful!” She giggled as Absolon whirled faster, almost knocking her off balance.

“What about you?” Some of the false friendliness dropped from his voice. “Enjoying your day off from traumatizing children, toying with innocent lives and playing god?”

Part of her wondered if she should have been insulted, but she couldn’t help but laugh. “I am!” She’d heard worse anyway. The song started to end, and Indigo and glanced up at Snow’s head table. “Anyway, I’d say the odds just shifted in your favor.” She winked and plucked a glass of wine from a passing server, raising it towards him in a mock toast. “Until next time!”

He gave her a look like he truly hoped there would be no next time, and really, Indigo couldn’t blame him. She didn’t pay it any attention though. If she dwelled on everyone who wanted nothing to do with her she’d be there all night. But she’d done what the group of them needed, so at least he had the good sense not to start anything right then and there. From here on out it was just business as usual.

She finished her drink and rejoined the party

[travllingbunny]

The 100 6x07 Nevermind

Season 6 of The 100 has been fantastic so far, and 6x07 is not just the best episode of the season so far, but also one of my favorite ever episodes of the show. Nevermind is, in many ways, a dream come true for me: this is exactly what I was hoping for at least since the promos for the show started promising the theme of characters “facing their demons”. At the time, I couldn’t have guessed that it would be about Clarke battling a centuries old woman who has taken over her body after her parents had decided to bodysnatch Clarke in order to bring their daughter back, but I was hoping for trippy, mind-bending, character-based storylines. Most of all, one focused on Clarke Griffin, the main character and hero of the show (oddly enough, this needs to be pointed out, since there are fans who keep forgetting it), her psyche, her traumas and emotional issues and character development.

After the wonderful last scene of 6x06 and the promos for this episode, my expectations were really high, and they were met. There was a little bit of fear that the whole “which characters will make a cameo”, “who will be mentioned how many times” thing would distract from Clarke’s character exploration, but that was not the case. This episode was almost entirely (except for the last scene) set in Clarke’s and Josephine’s mind space rather than the real world. The walk down the memory lane that the drawings we saw on Clarke’s mind-wall was there, but it was, above all, a great character study of the show’s protagonist, a battle of wills between the hero and the villain, and it had some big revelations – for the audience or for the characters. It had brilliant dialogue and acting, and was emotional, dark, intense and even funny at times (mostly thanks to Josephine, who is evil and detestable but also incredibly funny and charismatic).

And what particularly made me happy is that it addressed some long-standing questions of morality that the show had been ambiguous about. The show’s moral complexity/greyness has long bordered on moral relativism, and allowed (mis)interpretations in the fandom, to the effect that “There are no good guys, the protagonists are as bad as the villains, therefore it’s all the same and it doesn’t matter if someone does bad things, since everyone does it”. The unfortunate motto “for my people” has been overused and abused by many morally ambiguous or straight-up villainous characters on the show, to justify their own actions (the classic “who are you to talk, when you killed all the Mountain Men! Therefore I get to do whatever I want ‘for my people’’ – as if doing the only thing that could have stopped the evil society of technological vampires/overlords from killing and cannibalizing all your loved ones, is the same as killing people with no remorse to get power). By season 5, Clarke herself seemed to start buying into that view. Josephine Lightbourne again try to use that against Clarke in this episode, and nearly made her give up. This time, however, Clarke and the show both finally said “f*ck you” to that worldview.

One of the reasons why Josephine is such a great villain is that she is both a parallel and a striking contrast to Clarke. On the surface, they seem similar – their looks, background, family. When we first saw her in the flashback in 6x02, the similarities were obvious – another intelligent, capable, beautiful blonde girl with loving parents (Russell, in both versions, even matches the same physical type as Jake), a princess from a privileged background. But Josephine is everything that Clarke-haters (in and out of the show) claim Clarke to be, but that Clarke most definitely is not: selfish, narcissistic, with a god complex, remorseless, sociopathic, completely ruthless, pampered, classist, treating people as disposable. A start contrast to Clarke’s compassionate, caring, self-sacrificing nature.

Various thoughts about this episode in bullet points under the cut.

One of the many contrasts between Clarke and Josephine is the disorganized, beautiful way that different memories fill Clarke’s mind space, as drawings all over the walls of her room, unlike Josephine’s highly structured, organized mind. Just like “Monty”, I also like Clarke’s better.

I’m overall very happy with how this episode included references to various people and events from Clarke’s past, through a combination of drawings, flashbacks, mentions and objects. Most important people in Clarke’s life were referenced – both dead ones like Jake, Finn, Lexa, Jasper, Monty, and living ones like Bellamy and Madi (not so many mentions of Abby, but that’s because she’s both alive and, unlike so many others, not a source of guilt for Clarke).

The only exception is arguably Wells, and it’s really unlucky that the planned appearance by Eli Goree didn’t work out. We still got a confirmation of his importance in Clarke’s life (which should be big – he was her best friend since childhood and died tragically, even if he didn’t last long on the show) through several drawings (and the Chinese version of the idiom “A friend in need is a friend indeed” under one of them), and, more importantly, a close-up of one of them. Let’s be honest, the drawings are generally little more than a cool Easter egg for the fans, if the show doesn’t focus on them through close-ups and flashbacks or mentions – something that the general audience would notice.

I love the way that Clarke’s outfit and hairstyle kept changing depending on which memory or part of her mind space she was in at any given moment. For instance, she started as Ark Clarke from the Pilot, then turned into Eden Clarke when she visited her safe space of the life there with Madi for those 6 years – which was far from perfect (what with being isolated from everyone else, without any adult with her, without other friends or any chance of love or sex life, and waiting for Bellamy to come back and talking to him without answer to keep sane), but was still the most peaceful time she’s known. Except maybe for her childhood, which she did spend in a not-happy space (life on the Ark was difficult, if not for her, then for so many others who were less privileged, and we know Clarke was aware of that), but she had a happy family life, so it makes sense that her father is the first person she would see in her mind-space. Jake and Eden stood for safety and family life and peace, which Clarke thought she got when she briefly believed she had really died – before Jake (aka her own mind) told her it wasn’t true. It’s the sign of her being upset – the rain and storm outside that happened due to her mood – that alerted her to the fact she was still alive.

Every character, other than Josephine, who appeared in Clarke’s mind space was, of course, an embodiment of a part of her.  

Although I’m not sure about ALIE, whose code may have remained there, and who delivered information that Clarke may not have already known. It was the one cameo in this episode that really surprised me (since the rest had been revealed or guessed on social media). She was there for the big revelation that the neural mesh from the time Clarke was in the City of Light is what ended up saving her. This made this episode’s link to 3x13 Nevermore even stronger. (Funny that the erased memory of ALIE!Raven is what gave rise to that awful amnesia theory. Glad that this has been shut down now.) I guess this means that I was wrong about other hosts being savable, and that Delilah is gone forever? A big part of why I wanted it to be true, apart from liking Delilah, was to give the Earthkru more incentive to fight the Primes. But we have been given a lot of other reasons why they should make the decision to so that.

ALIE also had a conversation with Clarke about the nature of life and humanity, which, however, could be just Clarke talking to herself. Clarke has been tempted to run away from pain, she’s even tempted to run from it by accepting death in this episode, but she’s still insisting that pain is a necessary part of life and that there’s no joy without it. At the core, Clarke is not someone who gives up.

The revelation that the darkest and most painful memories are those that aren’t even on the wall and that Clarke keeps hidden, explained some things, such as why there were no drawings on the mind-wall of such huge moments as Jake’s death or Finn’s death (Clarke’s trauma from this was a subject of an entire episode – one of my favorites, 2x09, Remember Me)... However, while I don’t want to criticize the prop department, who did an incredible job drawing those pictures from scenes, they did make an error - one of the drawings of Lexa is actually from the scene of her right after being shot, which doesn’t really fit (her death is one of the “darkest place” hidden memories) – though you wouldn’t know that by just looking at the picture and not knowing the scene.

I’m glad that Josephine called out Clarke on child abuse, and that the drawing of Madi in pain in the shock collar was so prominent on the wall. Season 5 had Clarke at her lowest point, and that was certainly, IMO, one of the worst things she’s done.

We know (from 6x04) that Clarke’s biggest regret is leaving Bellamy in Polis in season 5, and this episode confirmed that this weighs so heavy on Clarke’s heart that she can’t even face Bellamy in her mind space (which fits with the fact that the darkest and most traumatic moments are those she did not put on the wall). She is afraid that he hasn’t really forgiven her in his heart, and that he can’t, because she can’t forgive herself. Even if Bellamy is alive and well, Clarke’s feelings for him make her betrayal of him unforgivable in her own eyes (even though, at the time she did it, she had been heartbroken and furious because she felt he had betrayed her). Octavia, or rather Blodreina, was the right embodiment of her guilt in a weird way, since she was the danger that Clarke left Bellamy to, the one who threw him into the pit in the first place (kind of like Jaha was the embodiment of Bellamy’s guilt over the culling in 1x08). She reminded Clarke of some of her other sins, those that involved Clarke being ready to sacrifice Octavia (while trying to protect Bellamy) – letting the bomb drop on the people in Tondc, stealing the bunker in season 4, but she was there mostly to talk about Bellamy, because the relationship between Clarke and Octavia has always mostly revolved around their respective relationships with him. Even in her own mind, Clarke is still deflecting when confronted with her feelings for Bellamy (“I care about both of you”, just like she said “I care about all of them” when called out on her feelings for Bellamy by Lexa in 2x14). Octavia is also the embodiment of the unwillingness to forgive, so her refusal to fight for Clarke makes sense.

Not that Clarke needed any help to kick Josephine’s arse. It was satisfying to see, but expected. Josephine is an actual pampered princess who’s never had to fight for anything, while Clarke has been fighting and surviving in adverse circumstances for 7 years.

Maya’s appearance made perfect sense, but she was the most OOC character of all the “mind space” characters – maybe because Clarke didn’t get to know her that well, but mostly because she was the embodiment of Clarke’s guilt over the innocent deaths she’s caused. Maya was a good person, someone who helped them against her own people because it was the right thing to do, and because she knew what the Mountain Men were doing was wrong. She is also linked in Clarke’s mind with her feelings of guilt over Jasper – Clarke didn’t know Maya well, but Jasper was one of her closest friends, and Clarke feels deeply guilty for indirectly causing his downward spiral that ended with his suicid4. I was happy to see him referenced so much in this episode – through “Maya”, the case Clarke found in 5x01, and his goggles that she found there, which all played a big role in this episode. The accusations that “Maya” (Clarke herself) made sounded a lot like the repertoire of Clarke-haters: that she likes being a savior, has a god complex, has killed more people than she’s saved, is no better than the Primes… This is a confirmation that Clarke herself has agonized over all of these things. But it’s not what the real Maya would have said – the real Maya died acknowledging the responsibility all of the Mountain Men had for the evil things their society was doing, saying “None of us is innocent”. When Clarke made her “Maya” character be helpful against Josephine, it was the closest thing to what the real Maya had been like.

Clarke’s darkest place, the most painful and traumatic memories she has, are the deaths of Finn and Lexa, the only two people she has had romantic relationships with – relationships that were both extremely brief and tragic, and ended with deaths that traumatized Clarke a lot and made her feel guilty – even though she doesn’t really have, IMO, objective reasons to feel responsible for either of them, it’s not hard to see why she would feel, on the emotional, irrational level, that she is the one causing people to die. (The show and especially the fandom have tended to ignore one of these relationships  post-season 2 and to over-focus on the other, so I was pleasantly surprised that they were both acknowledged in a similar way for their role in Clarke’s development and emotional traumas – with the visual references with Lexa’s throne and the pole Finn was tied to and the knife Clarke used to mercy kill him, combined with the flashback of Finn’s death, a different flashback of Lexa seen before, and Josephine’s indirect mention of her death – which was probably the most elegant solution, since I don’t think the show would ever dare replay the footage of her death for fear of more backlash.)

It’s certainly no coincidence that this dark place that’s about Clarke’s traumas of her tragic romantic life is the place where Josephine breaks Clarke by convincing her that Bellamy has given up on her and that he and everyone are better off with her dead. Josephine didn’t technically lie – she told her he took her death hard but in the end made the rational choice of agreeing to the deal with her murderers. But, by showing her an out-of-context memory of Bellamy taking the deal, she showed her a skewed version of the truth. Clarke didn’t see Bellamy’s grieving, despair and anger, and didn’t realize that Bellamy saying that she would do the same was out of admiration for her, as a leader who’s not just smart but also selfless and caring. She probably took it as another sign he sees her as a monster, doesn’t care that much about her and is better off without her, because it fed into her own insecurities.

Josephine: “Have you considered sacrificing yourself?” Bitch, watch the season 4 finale. She didn’t just consider it, she did it.

I loved the fact that the case Clarke used to hide the important memory was Jasper’s case, that it contained Jasper’s goggles alongside Jake’s video, and that the lock password was “102”. More confirmation of the importance of the initial Delinquents community from season 1 in Clarke’s life and the show. “You forgot Bellamy and Raven” may be my favorite line from this episode.

Monty’s return (which the show tried to hide by not putting Chris Larkin’s name in the credits until the end credits, but it revealed it through not cutting enough of one of the promo pics) was not a complete surprise, thanks to the detective work of some of the fans, but was still my favorite part of the episode. Monty was most in-character, because Clarke knew him so well, and it makes perfect sense that he was the voice of Clarker’s reason and moral compass, which is what made her change her mind after having given up and given Josephine the victory. (You want a great platonic friendships between a man and a woman on The 100? Here it is!)

The ‘Monty” part of Clarke’s mind fought back, against all the BS – the “bear it so they don’t have to”, “for my people” mottos and moral relativism and Josephine’s half-truths) and reaffirmed Clarke’s resilience and will to live, and reminded her that what it all comes down to is not just saving your people, but doing the right thing. After Monty told them to be good guys and be happy. Both of these messages are what Clarke had to remember. As I’ve been pointing out, doing better is not just standing by and not killing people. It’s also actively fighting against evil. They are not being good guys if they let the Primes murder, bodysnatch, oppress, brainwash and sacrifice the people from their community, just because it doesn’t affect them.  As “Monty” (Clarke) pointed out, it’s not doing better if you let the Primes murder people to live forever.

Clarke’s trip through Josephine’s memories (of being killed by Kaylee, and of killing Isaac and sacrificing a baby) helped her fully realize that Josephine is truly evil and needs to be stopped. Really, if killing babies is not enough to make you classify someone as true evil on a whole different level, what can?

Josephine tried to pull the “for my people” motto with Issac, but she was full of s*hit. She only does things for herself and maybe a few other people (not even all the Primes, since she murdered four of them). We learned that Children of Gabriel are literally the children that the Primes tried to sacrifice to the trees and that Isaac saved and brought to Gabriel. We also got another confirmation of the cruel caste system of Sanctum, where “nulls” (people who are not Nightblood gene carriers) are treated as lower life forms, and routinely sacrificed, and that Josephine would rather kill them all, if she was allowed to by her father. Not that having the NB gene is so good, as it means your child may end up as a host, and obviously, the “honor” of being a Nightblood means you get bodysnatched at the age of 21.

When Isaac said  “if only we were allowed to be more than your janitors and guards”, it felt like it was the writers’ way of reminding us of the class system on the Ark, where Bellamy was a janitor and a guard-in-training. It’s also another reminder of how different Clarke and Josephine are – Josephine would have considered someone like Bellamy expendable and useless, whereas Clarke quickly showed in season 1 she valued people based on their personal qualities rather than their origin or class.

It was cool to see a flashback to the time before the apocalypse, complete with references to Diyoza and Becca, but this memory was my least favorite part of the episode. I guess I just wasn’t that interested in Josephine’s traumatic memories, since I don’t think they’re enough to explain her sociopathic nature. On second thought, you could say that this guy was her Finn, and that her response to that trauma was completely different from Clarke’s – genuinely shutting herself down to any compassion or remorse.

I love the fact that what saved the day was the fact that Clarke and Bellamy were both good students of Earth skills (taught by Pike!) and that they are, once again, so well attuned to each other that they can communicate this way. Or the fact that Bellamy was watching JC so carefully, even though it must have hurt him emotionally to look at her, that he noticed her movements and read them correctly.

Nice to see Miller back, but did he have to be so… not-bright? In any case, it’s great to see Bellamy as determined to save Clarke, as he was despondent in the last episode. This is maybe the first time that Clarke really needs saving, but a huge and crucial part of that rescue was Clarke deciding that she wants to live.

Rating: 10/10

[tuffin-tuffmuffin]

Art from the talented @goattrain.

Resistance, Dinner

For the second time in a row, the setting sun only gave Natasatch worry.

It had been months since Natasatch watched a human settlement commence its nightly rituals, and certainly in a better context this time. The marketplace folded itself neatly into the trailers it sprung forth from, and the permanent hanging holiday lights gave the compact streets a completely different atmosphere. There were a few humans milling about, most of them militia guards, but a few were those who missed out on satisfying their curiosity of the local alien earlier in the day. None gave her anything resembling trouble, however, and she took the time to peruse the amenities until she grew bored. Inevitably, her mind turned to her friend Malcolm, who had passed through the marketplace fourteen times on his aimless walking. She counted.

Natasatch knew he needed help. How to achieve that was one of her greatest challenges yet.

Ultimately, she decided to copy her friend’s strategy, applied to the very same friend. Experience showed Malcolm was happiest when sharing “human culture.” The formerly-upbeat human had a list of memorabilia or events he insisted she must experience eventually, one that she had trouble remembering at the moment. Near the end of the day, the sight of one such promised experience on the edge of the marketplace jogged Natasatch’s memory, and fortunately, Aida’s blanket discount applied.

The reserve that Safari Outpost eventually became already possessed a restaurant, and little had changed in the fifteen years since it officially closed, or so she was told. Busts of dead animals and pictures of humans with firearms lined the walls, all cast in a soft yellow from the few hanging lights that still worked. The wooden-floored center of the rectangular building was empty. It was late, and Natasatch surmised the restaurant must’ve already served its regular patrons. Only a waiter and a bartender remained, but both seemed to be quietly working once their orders were placed. The two looked nearly as antique as their restaurant, and they weren’t going to let any alien interrupt their routine. Malcolm sat opposite her in the corner table for two. Natasatch still found human chairs difficult, and opted to rest upright on her own coils where her seat would be. In the background, a wooden jukebox delivered music consisting of simple guitar strings, but their focus was elsewhere. An electric imitation of a candle added an orange glow to their faces: one hopeful, one sullen.

Malcolm cut off a slice from the “steak,” which was an ADVENT burger patty in a different shape with some minced plants and sauce on top. He took a bite and said, “You know what? You’re doing your best, and I’m proud of you, actually.” Natasatch, who was debating between awkwardly imitating the human food custom or simply snatching the identical meal in one bite, looked up at her companion. “What do you mean? “Trying to cheer me up. The food, the small talk, and the sort. Getting my mind off our shitty vacation.” He had a bit of his confidence back, but a sense of resignation offset whatever gain she witnessed. “Is it working?” Natasatch asked. “Not really.”

Natasatch deflated instantly. She let out a tsssk, but managed to prevent it from becoming a full hiss. Her frustration lingered. “I’m... trying. What more do I need to do to make it work?” He shrugged. “I don’t think you can, to be honest. I’m a tough case.” She rose to the challenge. “I learned ‘cheering up’ from you. What makes you special, that it wouldn’t work?” He chose not to answer directly. After a few moments, he sighed and said, “I did this talk for Ackers too.” “Hmm?” “That’s why this one bites hardest. Ackers is- was, I suppose now- he was a unique friend to me. We’re assigned to the same cramped bunk; he gets it night hours, me the day hours. He started out real quiet, since he had been through a lot, like the rest of us. Family suffocated by viper poison, he admitted after I got him a few drinks at the bar, in a spot just like this one.” Nat commented, “This situation... is similar, yes.” “But Ackers, he also didn’t say he just wanted to kill aliens. He said he wanted to make the world safer for his sister.” She tried her best to put aside every instinct telling her to make Ackers suffer for his betrayal, and tried to view him through a sympathetic light. Just like Malcolm would. “In a way, I suppose I could understand. He still viewed me as a threat, and one that everyone in XCOM seemed to be blind to.” “That’s horseshit.” Her first thought was that Malcolm had never said anything so gruff before. Her second thought was to wonder what a horse was. Malcolm cut off a slice of his food, chewing away in the silence. When it was obvious Natasatch wasn’t going to speak first, he continued, “You look surprised to hear that. Probably thinking I would say ‘He’s really a good guy this,’ ‘his parents were killed by Vipers’ like that’d make everything okay. Ackers was ready to throw away everything he stood for, to try to murder us ‘cause of a grudge meant for someone else.” “Yes.” She gave an awkward laugh, which died the moment it left her mouth. “I feel like we decided to switch the sides of the argument between us.”

“And you’re probably right. In fact, I know I should be at his side. Hell, before today, I’d be first in line for the Ackers Defense Squad. ‘Till this. Cuts right through my lie.”

A pause, and the Viper blinked. “Lie?”

Malcolm sighed, then focused on her. “This lie,” he said in a resigned tone. Then he smiled.

It was Malcolm’s regular, easy-going, worry-assuring look, once again on her human friend’s face. His lips pulled back across his white teeth, the muscles pausing in the right spots to create youthful dimples, and the way one corner of his mouth rested further back than the other... and the warm look in his eyes, bright and brown, impervious to the damage that their owner suffered yesterday. Natasatch almost reflexively grinned back, caught herself, but then let it show. Why would she need to conceal it, after all?

Then there was only one smile at the table. Hers. Her human friend looked back at her, sullen and shaken once more. His eyes drifted down to her mouth, still pulled into a happy look, and she sensed his skin grow cold as his muscles clenched. As if he realized a terrible mistake. Natasatch put her smile on hold. “I’m... afraid I don’t follow.”

“Me,” Malcolm gestured toward himself in its entirety. “I’m the lie.”

Her mind raced, a hundred horrifying possibilities dueling for control of her mind. Was he confessing his guilt as an ADVENT spy? Some advanced Faceless? Mind control puppet? Something worse? Natasatch looked around, seeing how the chef and waiter reacted, only to find them gone and herself alone. She was still on edge, ready to fight or flee, as he continued. “I mean, it’s an act. A sham. Not the real me. It pays off being raised by thespians.”

Thespians... actors? What? She finally externalized one of her countless questions. “Then who are you actually, Malcolm Silva?”

“I’m pretty damn depressed, actually,” Malcolm responded without missing a beat.

When it became clear Natasatch wasn’t prepared to respond, Malcolm calmly continued, “I think my parents raised me right. Community-minded, moral, always seeing the best in people, and an aficionado of the cultural arts. That got them killed by us, other humans, volunteering for ADVENT outreach in our slums when ADVENT was still deciding if the carrot or the stick worked better. Everyone else I knew died when the aliens brought the stick down on the entire favela. My parent’s dream of a better world was doomed from the start because us humans were gonna let fear and paranoia ruin it and the aliens were gonna prove their fear and paranoia right. Maybe, one day, we can fight off ADVENT, but our real enemy is gonna be ourselves.”

Malcolm looked her in the eyes, resting his chin on his hands. With a sorrowful calmness, he said, “Even in the group most likely to change the world for the better, human nature is going to win out.”

“Would you say the same, even if you were not swimming in pain-killers?” Natasatch asked.

“Well, I admit I get philosophical when I’m loopy, but all this was there before.” He appeared slightly annoyed as he responded.

“So, where did this ‘lie’ come from?

“Acting is just another kind of lying, Nat. You pretend you’re someone you aren’t, saying a script that isn’t true, convincing others that you’re genuine.” He shrugged. “Like I said, it pays to have thespian parents.”

“That is not quite what I asked, Malcolm. Why did you even ‘lie’ about being happy at all? There are no shortage of traumatized soldiers on the Avenger. You would have fit right in.”

“I...” he trailed off. “Well, you’re right about that,” Malcolm conceded. “That’s all I saw when I first stepped on board. Nothing but misery everywhere. I guess I must like being a rebel, because I just... put on that mask as a spur of the moment, and then never really took the smile off.”

The Viper focused in on Malcolm, upset without anger, interrogatory without malice. “Then explain why you tried to rescue me when your comrades would rather me dead? Why try to teach me about human culture and ethics and history? Why would you even bother to show me Star Trek? Was every single one of those a calculated ploy?”

“Well, I had Star Trek on hand anyway,” Malcolm mumbled. She raised an eye ridge. Of the expressions she’d copied from her humans, she enjoyed that one the most, since humans somehow always knew the thought behind the gesture. This time was no different.

He sighed, and shrugged, not looking her in the eyes. “...I think I started believing in that lie for a bit too. ‘Specially after everyone started lightening up around you, it started getting easier to tell myself tomorrow was going to be better when I woke up. ... Least ‘till Ackers pulled the curtain back on what I’d ignored.”

“You know what I think?” Natasatch offered, not giving him time to brood. “I think that whatever you claimed to think before, you actually still believe in that pointless optimism, because now you have proof you were right.”

“What?”

The alien lowered her head, meeting him at eye level. The electric candle’s glow against her scales shimmered, and her hood’s slight flex solidified her human’s attention. Natasatch placed her hand, the one that Malcolm bandaged, over his own injured forearm, and gave him the most determined look she could. Yet, in the alien’s genetically-engineered eyes, he saw nothing but sympathy and kindness in the deep red, and in turn Natasatch saw a spark of understanding in his.

This.

Moistness came at the edges of Malcolm’s eyes. “I’ve already killed more aliens than I’ll ever befriend, Natasatch,” he almost whispered. She finally recognized the guilt for what it was.

“That is not true,” came the gentle counter. Yet, Natasatch found the answer she sought. You do care.

It was another few moments before Malcolm finally broke eye contact. The Viper took a deep breath, and started again. “Look, Malcolm, you may have killed many ADVENT, and you’ll probably have to kill many more.”

“That... really doesn’t help, Nat.”

“Yet, if those you ended were offered the same choice you gave me, not all of them would have been your enemies.”

He actually seemed to recoil from that. “I could have... Nat, you’re doing the opposite of consoling m-”

“Listen, Malcolm. We did what we needed to survive, so do not begrudge yourself for that. But the other aliens like me will never get that choice as long as the Elders control them, but you may have been the first to convince your kind to make the offer. Do not ever forget or downplay what you’ve accomplished.”

The human gave a humorless chuckle. “Watch me. In fact, yesterday you just watched me almost get die trying it again! I’ve started this dance before, Nat, and it’s ended in misery each time. Even if I keep trying, even when it works, it’s a drop in the bucket for the better Earth we need. If that future happens —which it can’t— I’m never going to reach it.”

“Not without me at your side,” Natasatch affirmed. She slid her hand back and clasped his fingers in her palm, giving it a small squeeze. Humans preferred to confirm deals with a handshake, after all, though her adjusted version was far from standard. A curious heat bloomed on Malcolm’s face, around the cheeks, and she couldn’t explain why seeing such gave her a feeling of contentment. “After all, you wouldn’t survive for a minute without my help.”

Finally, a genuine smirk, one that Malcolm was actively struggling to suppress. “I’m gonna drag you down with me, Nat. I can’t do that to you.”

“Perhaps you will. Perhaps not. Everything in XCOM seems to a roll of the dice. Until we get unlucky, I promise to do my utmost to make sure we both see it. Together.”

Then she tilted her head to the side, ponderous and mischievous both. “...But only if you promise me something in return.”

“What’s that?”

“Stop being depressed.”

He gave her a look he reserved for displays of severe naivety, the one weapon in his arsenal that could legitimately still discourage her. “That’s not how depression works, Nat. It’s... chemical, and psychological. The right medication helps along with therapy, but ADVENT’s got a monopoly on antidepressants and our only psychiatrist shot himself.” He paused as he realized what let slip so matter-of-factly. “Damn, that apparently just happened when I went onboard, a month before the Commander was rescued. Explains why everyone seemed extra miserable.”

Her hood dropped, dissatisfied. She didn’t like his response, but there still didn’t seem like an easy fix to his ‘depression.’ “Alright, then you will promise two easier somethings for me.”

“Fine. The first?”

“You can promise me to smile right now.”

“One fake smile, coming up.”

The smile seemed convincing, but Natasatch wasn’t yet able to know for sure. His expression looked touched by mirth and misery both, the former only overcoming the latter when the soft guitar tune in the background switch to a track with a higher, variable tempo. Natasatch heard it before, trying to recall its name. Flamenco? Yes, Malcolm enjoyed this style. She did as well, noticing her tail-tip start to sway in time to the drum beat.

“What’s the second promise, Nat?”

A tongue shot out to her plate, bringing the entirety of the ADVENT steak into her mouth, followed by another shot stealing away the remaining half of Malcolm’s meal. Her human had reflexively pulled his hand away from the surprise, but the incredulous, amused, yet not annoyed face he made sparked a familiar feeling of contentment in her.

Without addressing the theft, she asked, “You fulfilled the second. Now, will you be more honest with your feelings from now on?”

“You know what?” Malcolm pushed his chair back, using his uninjured arm to help him rise. He caught sight of the Viper’s tail waggling to the beat, and his own hand began to tap on the table in unison. He stretched slightly, closing his eyes and focusing on the tune. It was just the two of them and their music. “Honestly, I feel...”

The smile Natasatch saw couldn’t possibly be faked.

“...I feel like dancing! Let’s go!” Malcolm announced, clasping his hands over hers and tugging.

Natasatch had no response for this direction of her human’s spontaneity. "Wait, Maaaaaal-!"

But he was already in motion, and was pulling her along to the open space in front of the jukebox. Well, he tried to, anyway. Malcolm’s stretching stood no chance against half an hour of sitting, and his leading step was onto his injured leg to boot, so he would have quickly danced his face into the floor if his Viper hadn't been there to pull him back upright. He continued, undeterred, moving and swaying while Natasatch awkwardly fell into complimentary motions.

Obviously the painkillers haven’t worn off. She nearly shrieked, “This is a terrible idea! You need rest!”

“Terrible ideas will save the world. You said so yourself!” He replied, thankfully using his uninjured foot to stamp along to the rhythm.

“I said no such thing!”

“Pretty sure you did. Now, move! You have two feet, use them!”

The Viper was too busy floundering to counter his joke. Her face ran hot, but she thankfully remembered nobody was there to see her struggle. Yet, dancing was an action she possessed zero experience in. She gripped Malcolm’s hands tighter as she swerved, somehow bumping into two tables simultaneously. “How?!”

“Fake it until you make it. Works every time!”

Natasatch gave up trying to copy the human’s motions, instead just going with the physical curve of her body. Oddly enough, the less she focused on imitation, the more natural the motions felt. Her random tail lifts and sways eventually evened out, progressing along with the beat of the song. The unconscious movement of her tail played itself over the whole of her body. When she got a glimpse of Malcolm, bruised and bandaged and trying to ignore the fact, she saw his face content but eyes closed, the moistness at their edges returned.

At that, a peacefulness came over Natasatch. She could close her eyes, and not worry that Malcolm would crush her tail underfoot, that or a series of bullets would burst through the shuttered windows. Here she was, enjoying a song she was never meant to listen to, swaying to a dance she was never intended to, holding onto a human she should have never spoken to. The unique combination of closeness and color and music and warmth gave her a sensation that she never felt before, nor knew how to describe.

Everything else felt secondary, after that. The music continued but felt mostly ignored, the furniture melted away, and even the inevitable stumble on the tail was corrected with a low scoop and dip. The two might have danced their way outside, but she couldn’t quite tell. She only noticed the warmth of their contact contrasted by the sudden coolness of the air.

When there was no more music left between the two, the Viper slowly opened her eyes. All she could see was Malcolm, hands still grasping hers, standing bathed in moonlight against a black background. Genuinely happy, and certainly exhausted. Natasatch couldn’t help but smile when he awakened to her gaze, his deep copper meeting her deep red.

He spoke something, but she couldn’t hear it, because she finally noticed her ears were filled already. A low droning she had practically ignored gradually increased in volume until she could recognize it as a lift engine, and it kept booming as she finally noticed movement above and to her left. She looked up, seeing a blinding light in one half of her vision and the rear portion of Firebrand’s dropship in the other. Looking around, she saw the darkened buildings of Safari that the searchlight blinded her to, and the few denizens stuck between gawking at the two dancers and the squad of XCOM soldiers rappelling down from the aircraft.

They were equipped in their glittering plated armor as if an ADVENT fortress was next on their hit list, but fortunately their boxy magnetic weapons were pointed everywhere but the two. Their comrades were obviously past taking any chances. Natasatch and Malcolm quickly and awkwardly broke their security cling, as Central himself lowered his retrofitted combat rifle and stepped forward, sizing up their numerous injuries.

“Well, Sergeant...s,” Central started, hastily making the rank plural, ”Hmm, no funny quip, Silva?”

Malcolm composed himself. “Honestly Bradford, I’m just glad you’re here.”

“We’re XCOM. We don’t turn our back on our own.”

Natasatch smiled. Finally, their longest day came to an end.

This one scene was the real reason why it took me so long to continue this story. I had to get it just right, and I’m still not sure if I did, but I’m still pretty happy with what it became.

Thank you to @tehangryxeno for proofreading

Link to the Chapter Index

[opiaismarchive]

why were you drawn to each one of your characters?

⊱asks for muns with a multimuse or more than one muse⊰ // accepting

great question !! I’ll start off with a timeline; fyi this got long lolginny weasley is actually one of my first muses ever, I probably first rped her about 10 years ago. I really liked her spunk, how she survived a very traumatic event and grew from it in a way that didn’t make her a martyr or victim of circumstances. I went back to her because I missed her, and I enjoy now discovering the more adult / mature parts of her life. I also happen to think ginny is my most compassionate muse, and it’s fun to think of when she can indeed be every cruel at times. for pelleas, I am all here for a true knight with a heart of gold who has a very dark side + I believe in characters, especially males, who can be soft and still be powerful, so that’s what drew me to him. plus arthurian legend and his devotion to the cause, plus his devotion to love is so fascinating to me. he prays to God but if he was honest to himself, he’d pray to the Goddess of Love because that’s his true religion.for zelda, I really wanted to explore a badass woman who is smart and powerful but also not your typical hero? zelda is very unique among my muses because she’s a no shit taker, but her moral compass doesn’t always point north and she is okay with that. she’s level-headed and calculative and innovative, but she’s also a kind of i don’t want to deal with this so I won’t kind of person. plus, slayer skills - always fun.for father jeremiah, I have this fascination with the catholic church ngl and the idea of rising shining star within the ranks of the church tempted by love and lust is never a boring idea. to me, jeremiah represents the modern age of the church - he is intuned socially and emotionally with his surroundings, he truly believes in God and the bible, and in making reformations to truly be a church for everyone. he is that cool new priests everyone adores and who speaks out against multiple injustices, but he’s also so very flawed and naive at times, it’s fun lol for cesare, I adore my prince ! not only do I love the borgias, but his actual history is so damn fascinating!! and fun!! like, this guy was absolutely going to rule over all of Italy - he built an empire for himself through both being loved and feared, through hard work and ambition and brilliant strategies. (honestly, dany targeryan could never) he is one of the best minds of the renaissance, Machiavelli and Da Vinci were like bffs with him. but he’s also so raw and human and he tries so hard in everything he does? I love my problematic boo, what can I say.for jemma, she came actually out of a plotline with michelle ( @toujoursfleure ) and quickly grew into one of my most dynamic characters. she is so tender and kind in the way she deals with people, but she’s also super reserved and logical in the way she handles herself. when I write for her, I feel like I’m floating in a cold lake and just allowing her to flow through me. AND that sounds like a lot of bs but she’s gone through a lot, so I really have to get myself in a place of tranquility to understand how she’s able to deal with it all and that’s what drew me to her. for andromeda, what drew me most to her is this idea of a young woman from an influential family who absolutely gave up everything because she stood true to her values, and herself. i refuse to believe she simply fell in love (in canon) and that was it. in the way I write her, andromeda was always born to fight with claws and teeth. she tries so hard to not get lost in the storm of wars and division and expectations and to truly, fully, be herself. plus, she’s also on the darker side of my muses and that’s always fun since fanon tends to think of her as this very nice and sweet girl and dismiss the fact that she is very much, still, a Black.for james, I’ve rped already james sirius and lily luna for years, so at first it was a fun idea to think of what I could bring from his family to his role but he took a true and unique form in my mind. he is the true definition of a gryffindor, but what i love most about him is that he’s really surprising to everyone - including myself. unpopular opinion, I think people idolize him and villanize him fairly quickly, and what i love about james is how very human he is, how flawed he can be but how much he is willing to learn.for amara, I think this is one of those I want a female character who people demonize and give her some humanity. mrs zabini is infamous in the wizarding world for killing seven of her husbands and being filthy rich, but no one gets there without a damn good reason. what draws me to her is this idea of a very collected and calculative person who is hurt and hurts others - but can anyone really blame her? I really think people dismissed her as a child, underestimated her as a young adult, and she absolutely used people’s assumptions of her to her advantage. 

while i haven’t played mary magdalene, what most calls me to her is the potential of a matriarch vatican city. honestly, i would still be full catholic if her ideas had reigned over the church vs peter’s. there’s also a lot of sexist issues with her portrayal within the church, which makes me think that they were really scared of her. so to place her in a historical verse where she can push people to what it truly means to follow the messiah she knew is like and spark revolutions, well that is always fun lol

and while i haven’t rped guinevere, I think it goes in the same lines to mary. guinevere is pictured in extremes in literature - she is either meek and submissive catholic fanatic who destroyed arthur’s hopes for a united kingdom, or she is a calculative and evil seductress who also destroyed arthur’s hopes for a united kingdom, almost always due to her relationship with lancelot. why can’t she be both? why can’t she be a capable and clever queen who tried her hardest to navigate her feelings and her religion? 

this got long, my bad lol