#he's having such a meltdown because i think he finds his self worth in the way he looks

[agentarc]

fox headcanons for the fic i might actually try to write

this is copy-pasted from notes app so the formatting is gonna be weird

fox autism and mental health HCs

- difficulty understanding his own emotions. he can’t describe what he’s feeling. if asked to elaborate, he might describe things ineloquently, or using metaphors

- sometimes struggles to understand other people’s emotions. he’s not very in tune with his own, and he finds it hard to relate to others in general. it’s easier with clones, but for natborns it’s a lost cause.

- afraid of Feeling His Feelings. he’s always staving off a mental breakdown, and thus can’t afford to Feel and have the dam break, because if he has a breakdown he Will Die. (he doesn’t know anything about panic attacks or meltdowns — he just thinks he’s defective. since he can’t afford to be anything less than perfect, he has taken every measure possible to keep the breakdowns behind the dam.)

- his facial expressions don’t always match the emotion he’s feeling

- doesn’t know how to show love and affection in a “normal” way. his way of loving is to keep everyone safe and healthy, even at the expense of himself, and even at the expense of others outside of his family.

- touch-adverse and touch-starved at the same time. (he’s afraid of touching people in part because he worries he’ll corrupt them with his wrongness)

- pressure and dark, enclosed spaces are very comforting

- stimming habit. he thinks it’s unbecoming (and so did his trainers as a cadet) and thus has tried to train it out of himself, but he still falls back on certain low-key stimming habits when he’s focused or not paying attention to himself.

- control freak

- meticulously tidy, though his own hygiene is lacking

- forgets / doesn’t know how to take care of himself

- food-adverse. can only tolerate one variety of ration bars and they’re not always available. he survives off forced bites and caf. (potential to explore other types of food? ration bars are safe and familiar, but we might explore other safe foods after the war is over…)

- dissociation — sometimes he doesn’t feel real and he doesn’t know how to articulate that. it feels wrong in every way, but it keeps the paralyzing breakdowns at bay so he has started using it as a coping mechanism. he feels like he’s on autopilot, like he’s making these decisions from a faraway place and isn’t quite tethered to his body. if he has to appear normal while actively panicking, he’s probably dissociated to some extent, not allowing himself to come to terms with the reality of whatever’s going on, allowing autopilot to take over. (he doesn’t like to think about it, and might spiral if forced to address it)

- strange relationship to pain. it makes sense to him, and he finds it grounding. it can tether him when he’s dissociating. not only is it the body’s natural way of saying it’s injured, but it can also be a befitting consequence or punishment, which he genuinely thinks he deserves. (he knows this applies to him and him only — he’s always been different from other clones) (maybe he has a deep scar somewhere accessible with his armor on, and pressing on it causes pain or numbness. wrist? palm? maybe one if his habits is repeatedly clenching his fist in a way that presses on it)

- self-mutilation, like knuckle biting, skin picking, digging his fingernails into his arm, exacerbating existing injuries

- he feels like a droid, or like he wishes he was a droid. he knows he’s not, but sometimes thinks it would be easier to maintain his body. during dissociation or breakdowns, he might use pain or blood to remind him that he’s still human

- compulsion to *fix*. he is always there for his brothers, not only because it’s his duty as commander and as ori’vod, but because his brothers are the most important thing in the world to him. without his purpose as his brothers’ keeper, he has zero self-worth. when things start getting harder, he will have more trouble coming up with the solution and it will seriously upset him. he will also get confused and frustrated when his vode don’t come to him with their issues — he’ll believe it’s because he’s a failure of an ori’vod. later, after the collapse, he will be so burnt out that anyone having any expectation of him at all will be triggering. (or maybe the opposite is true — not having orders or a direction leaves him floundering and he will spiral and spiral. could be that both are true, that he needs orders or a job or something, but anything outside the scope of his ability or mental capacity will cause a stress breakdown)

- trust issues. he can’t be vulnerable with pretty much anyone at all — at least he won’t if he can help it — and will never be fully relaxed in the company of people he doesn’t explicitly know and trust.

- paranoid. every single thing out of place is a threat.

- hates crowds

- hates people looking at him without his armor on. he always feels exposed and vulnerable, and he’s ashamed of all the scars he has. since his job is supposed to be “the easiest of the entire GAR,” he thinks there’s no excuse to be so scarred, and the only reason he would be is because he can’t defend himself adequately. plus, if he’s asked about his scars, it’s not really easy to explain that they’re from the red guard beating the shit out of him for fun

- hates the sonics because of the sound, and also because of the freshers’ communal nature. he will only shower at odd hours, and usually has one of the other commanders guard the door.

personality HCs

- as a cadet, and at the beginning of the war, fox was a cunning trickster and full of chaos. he becomes quieter and more worn down as the war continues.

- he loves mischief and fun, but at this point in his life has forgotten how to have fun. when he was a cadet, his slyness and cunning made him the perfect prankster. if he ever went too far and hurt or offended someone, cody would step in and tell fox to apologize, which fox does. he’s never meant to hurt anyone with his tricks.

- he doesn’t necessarily tell jokes, but his dry wit and sarcasm and his darker sense of humor makes him pretty funny sometimes

- although he would never admit it, he absolutely loves being surrounded by his brothers while they’re having a good time. he rarely joins in on the fun, bogged down by stress and illness, but wishes he could. regardless, he loves to soak up the good vibes, and his brothers laughing and happy is one of the only things that makes his heart soar.

- chronically tired

- chronically freezing cold

- chronically stressed tf out. he’s been under so much stress for so long that he’s been permanently shaped by it.

- outwardly, he’s all cold durasteel walls and ruthless determination. he’s meticulously neat, always demonstrating perfect form, his armor polished to a shine. an unstoppable force who will overcome any immovable object. he’s capable of making the hard choices and doing whatever it takes. anyone who doesn’t know him well enough will assume that he’s an uptight, hard-ass, self-righteous jerk who cares only about orders and duty, even at the expense of brothers. because of this, he’s not a popular or well-liked clone. (this bothers him a lot more than he lets on.)

- in reality, the safety and wellbeing of ALL brothers is his highest priority. he’s most loyal to those in his circle, and because of the position he’s in, it can appear as though he doesn’t care about anyone else.

- fox loves and cares so deeply that it IS the core of who he is. everything he does is for his family, even if his actions seem at odds with that.

- he trusts seldomly, but deeply. he is not relaxed with anyone he doesn’t trust, and sometimes STILL isn’t trusting enough to relax.

- he’s affectionate in his own way, which is to say non-traditionally. his way of taking care of people is to make sure everyone’s taken care of, taking care of themselves, and following rules. with certain vode, he may offer touch as comfort.

- has a very impressive sabacc face, although he’s pretty much always panicking over something. if he’s actively panicking but has to appear normal, he will most likely be dissociated to some extent.

- when in commander mode, he looks calm and collected, with an appropriate amount of urgency. he’s quick-thinking, cunning and clever, sharp-tongued and decisive, and in complete control. if he’s having a particularly rough time, anyone who doesn’t know him well enough wouldn’t be able to tell. closer vode can pick up on his subtle tells.

- a low-key stressed but relaxing fox is very subdued. small grins, wisecracks and one-liners, snickering along, but on the quiet side.

- a truly happy fox throws his head back when he laughs and smiles with all his teeth. his eyes are bright and sharp and full of mischief. he’s much more willing to initiate physical contact, and even grab a brother to wrestle playfully.

- when he’s having a rough one, he’s barbed and unreachable. he says nasty things and never means them, wanting to push others away.

- he’s always busy. he always has an insurmountable workload. when too overwhelmed, he will shut down, become paralyzed and be unable to complete anything at all, triggering a meltdown.

- a truly relaxed fox is boneless. for once in his life, he’s not on the move.

- under different circumstances, a happy fox would be nearly as busy as he is at this point, but on his own terms instead. he’d be doing stuff with his hands, filling his time with jobs and projects.

- allergic to downtime. he always has to be busy. if something needs to be done, he will be unable to relax until it’s done. if there’s nothing to do, he will either create more work for himself or start spiraling.

[limerenceheart]

Do you have any thoughts on self aware yandere Dan Heng? Also I really enjoyed your other works so far!

hello! thank you for being my first Dan Heng and for your support! <3 i try to write my works based on the character personality rather than using dark themes to create shock value, so hearing this make me super happy.

i personally think his reaction would be defined by the user's personality whether she remind me of March 7th or MC since they are the girls that he spend the most time with.

trigger warnings - cheating and slut shaming.

accepting requests!

Dan Heng would be slightly shock till he realised that he have bigger problems of being seen as a villain from his previous reincarnation.

At least, she couldn't do anything to him behind a screen, surely he could not be that unlucky.

There was one aspect though that irks him because the user reminded him so much of March 7th when she would do live stream with her friends.

The resemblance was uncanny that Dan Heng would need to hide from March 7th to get his thoughts together before he would reveal the truth to her.

The past already haunted the girl where he was sure finding out about this would cause her to have a meltdown.

Dan Heng doubted that March 7th could keep this a secret and if the crew finds out, chaos will spread like wildfire.

Some things are better left unsaid where he planned to take this secret to his grave.

So Dan Heng decided to be nonchalant about the whole thing and resumed his daily life till one day that the user logged in and seem to be extremely upset since her eyes were puffy.

The young man was uncomfortable when she automatically clicked on his profile and played his voice lines.

To make matters worst, the user proceeded to break down and rambles about an intense breakup.

"Dang Heng, he cheated on me," and Dang Heng was sure that if he have romantic lines, she would pressing the play button non stop.

The urge to run away heightened to a whole other level but seeing the tears streaked down her cheek unlocked a tightening feeling in his chide.

Sympathy ? Jealously? Dan Heng did not know but the sight startled him a lot that he wanted to break the act and speak to her.

The user may have her flaws but she distracted him a lot from his intense thoughts about Dan Feng and she always did clean up the monsters from the streets.

After that, the user started using him as her personal diary by clicking on his profile everyday to tell him about everything.

It was annoying at first but he got used to it and Dan Heng soon developed a curiosity about the outside world.

It's a shame that he could never ask her questions about it.

One day, the user started switching to other characters and her new favourite became Blade.

The worst man to ever exists and his friend decided to latch onto him like glue and Dan Heng couldn't help but feel betrayed at her actions.

It felt like the user just grew bored of him and the realisation made him want to go beat the shit out of Blade.

It wasn't a very sensible idea but the user must be special to him considering he have blew a fuse at the whole predicament.

Dan Heng made the app crashed though by using his spear when he thought that she was going to declare to Blade that he was the best.

The user didn't stay loyal to Blade for long and Dan Heng found his way to appearing back on her screen again.

The damage was done though so when the user played his thoughts about Blade, he snapped.

"Fuck off, you just used me, goes back to Blade slut."

It was worth it when seeing her hurt expression before her eyes widened in confusion, hoping she just misheard him.

[bloodycyrano]

I am extremely mentally fucked right now, so let's see how team tadpole handles their depressive episodes! TW, this will probably be super depressing to read.

Astarion: He thinks he hides it really well, and for the most part, he does. But his motivation for easy, everyday tasks and self care goes absolutely down the drain. You've seen the inside of his tent, you know how it goes. He tries to keep up the image of doing well, keep the smile, keep the jokes coming. He's terrified of people finding out what's underneath, and in hiding it, he feels like he has the upper hand. He doesn't, and he needs therapy. I'd also put money on him hypersexualizing himself for the validation and to feel like he was worth something. After all, Cazador beat it into him that that was all he was good for. Luring in pray with his body. - We also know that Astarion has nightmares, but I'd like to add to this with the reminder that Elves don't sleep. They trance. In the trance, they go over the memories of their past. It's how they keep up with such long lives and how they stay close to past lives as children (For those who dont know, elves don't measure age in maturity, but rather by distance to their past lives- Once an elf can no longer recall memories from their past life, they are considered an adult. They pick their adult name in celebration of the new person and consciousness that they now are). The fact that Astarion can remember nothing of his life prior to being turned by Cazador, nothing of his family, etc., Means that he is so deeply affected by Cazador that those memories are the only things he can see when he goes to rest at night. Every night, in perfect detail, he has to remember all of his worst trauma.

Karlach: Karlach is the sunshine character. She's sweet, and loud and bright with the biggest smile, but you also have to remember that she was a soldier. She was sold off to a literal demon and used as a science experiment essentially for the hell of it. She's not going to open up about what she's feeling immediately, and she's not going to seek help, either. She thinks she has to deal with it quietly and on her own, because since her parents died; that's what she's always had to do. Chin up, no tears, keep fighting. It's going to stress her out to the point where she starts smoking again, but she'll try to hide it or brush it off. Most importantly, she's going to be more focussed on not burdening those around her and trying to take care of you guys and protect you at the expense of her own mental health and physical safety. But her sorrows are noticeable. She can try to hide it, but everyone in camp knows. Everyone in camp is worried. Everyone can see when her eyes stop glimmering, when she stops dancing around in her tent when she can't sleep, when her bright laughter stops, and when she gets quiet. So quiet. She zones out, like she's in another realm entirely. She probably also has post traumatic stress from her time as a soldier, and it's going to weigh on her heavily in battle. Maybe she'll freeze up, have flashbacks, even potentially have small hallucinations now and again. It's going to take a lot of care and reassurance to get her to talk to you about it, but when she finally does, she'll probably have a complete meltdown with all the feelings she's been keeping inside.

Wyll: Wyll self isolates. He gets much quieter, and he probably isn't going to be too open to talking about it unless he's really close to you. He gets a little cold when talking to people, but he's good at resolving things in his head and the most likely to rationalize his feelings to make himself feel better. He also probably writes poetry, or even paints his feelings as a form of expressing his sorrows because he understands he needs some outlet so he isn't bottling everything up. He has the heart of an artist, and this is a hill I am prepared to die on.

Gale: He has a hard time talking when he's sad, and probably has difficulty making eye contact as well. He'd probably be more inclined to seek out comfort and vent than the rest of team tadpole, but that doesn't take away from the complexity of his emotions. He's angry, and sad, and feels so so shitty just about being who he is in general. He's fallen so far from where he once was, and for what? He'll do is best to rationalize, but his anxiety is going to push into paranoia, and rationalizing is going to turn into self loathing. He's going to try his best to be more useful, and show off, and earn the validation he craves because without that, what is he? He was a prodigy child. He used to be so, so great. Even the goddess of magic herself thought so. Now he's rotting away in a camp full of strangers and trying to re-learn level one spells. It's taking a toll on him, and it's noticeable to anyone willing to look.

Shadowheart: She's trying to pray. The goddess she has been devoted to all her life is the lady of loss. There is a great amount of sorrow in the way she worships, and in her suffering, she finds faith. She tells herself it's her next step to becoming a dark justiciar. Delving further into her faith and trusting in the dark depths of her soul, and her pain. All it ever truly does is make her hurt, though.

Lae'zel: Lae’zel is truly a specimen built on stoicism. If you ask her what's wrong, she will tell you but it will also be in such a way that you wonder if she's really processing all of her pain. The thing is, she's thinking about it. She has the emotional intelligence to understand the way she's feeling and how to fix it, but for some reason unknown to her, she can't. And that's what's going to stress her out and hurt her the most. She knows what theoretically should fix the pain, but it's not working the way that it should. She's going to wonder if it's something wrong with her, or the way she's going about it. She might get angry with other people more often, and try to project blame onto someone so that maybe she can find a way to resolve the way that it hurts. But she can't. She'll keep throwing temporary solutions and misplaced anger into the void until she finds something to distract from it. And maybe, after a lot of contemplation and positive outside help from the rest of team tadpole, she may find peace.

[sethcertified]

「 SLASHERS REACTIONS TO THEIR FANDOMS ! 」 . . . 📂

slashers : various

wrd count : 1.2k

⊹˚.⋆ synopsis . . . how slashers would react to their fandoms

⊹˚.⋆ starring . . . patrick bateman, bo sinclair, vincent sinclair, billy loomis, stu macher, brahms heelshire, & billy lenz

⤷ patrick bateman

okay this is going to be fun

his (already huge) ego gets boosted sm by the like "sigma" edits and shit of him

not to be cliche but the “I bet paul allen doesn't ___” sort of comments make him feel so high and mighty

and seeing how many people find him hot? god he would become even more insufferable

BUT HERES THE FUN PART

he delves more into the patrick bateman edits and stuff and that's when he finds the satirical shipping, cutesy edits, etc

he sees himself and the word "babygirl" put together and has a full blown meltdown

god it’d be so funny cause it's literally 50/50 in the fandom so he couldn't separate one from another if he even tried

AND THE SHIPS

oh, he would just be gagging at the louis x himself ships

idk I feel like he would go "take this down now 🤬”

he's so edgy 12 year old boy yk

AND THE EDITS

patrick practically passing out when he seems himself edits with anime blush and cat ears

his masculinity was already bruised by the ships and now this?

he 100% posts some of the edits about him on his socials

he also sends the links to these vids to people he dislikes to prove his "fame"

the fame goes to his head but he gets humbled when he sees everyone calling him "my pathetic malewife bbg 💕”

⤷ vincent sinclair

I just love vincent sm and so does his fandom

I have not once met someone who hates vincent

he is so insecure and humble and just deserves to see everyone complimenting him and his wax figures

he loves his fandom to say the least

and they absolutely adore him

definitely gets confused by some of the compliments he gets

example a: "If he doesn't want me to slut him out, why waist so slutty?"

^^ yes I did find that on here

is in disbelief ppl can find him attractive let alone say things sexual about him

he has rlly rlly low self esteem okay

if he ever tried to interact with his fandom online I have two different directions in my head

IS AWFUL ON THE PHONE

typos and everything

but it's so sweet

"THank yu 🙂"

he has big fingers and struggles to type ^^ or if he gets adjusted it's perfect grammar "I appreciate you for this. Thank you so much."

hes just a big ol boy getting the praise he deserves

⤷ bo sinclair

this one is a bit tricky

he isn't too phased by the compliments unlike his brother

he knows he hot

so "daddy" "so hot" compliments r not new to him

BUT I think stuff like | want to see him whimper" will make him feel VERY FLUSTERED

like awkward coughing and hiding his face flustered

but he doesn't get a bigger boost in his ego

I feel like it doesn't go to his head cause he is already pretty confident in his looks yk

but seeing people appreciate him for his personality?

like talking about how charming and husband material he is

it definitely gives him more hope that he's worth more than his looks & that he means something

this one is short but he wouldn't interact with the fandom

or he’ll barely scrap the surface so he doesn’t see the weird stuff…

like he seems so Facebook dad to me

basically he is tolerates his fandoms cs he’s only seen the tip of the iceberg

⤷ billy loomis

ANOTHER TRICKY ONE

billy is so tricky for me tho

honestly it goes to his head

seeing ppl in awe about him ^^

he's a slasher fan too so he is more active in other fandoms if that makes sense

but he does like to delve into theories and discussions about ghostface and the scream franchise with members of his fandom

rlly enjoys knowing he is considered one of the "well known" slashers

honestly he feels threatened by danny johnson from DBD because when u search ghostface a lot of content surrounding him pops up a long with stu and billy

billy wants everyone to know he’s the ghostface

he loves the fame basically

I do get the feeling he hates the image ghostface has tho

like the "thirst traps"

he's just the type of guy who calls people "posers" and "fake fans"

so that rily irritates him

if you know a lot about slashers/ghost face he's chill

he likes his fandom but there's definitely outliers with the people who know ghostface but not who's behind the mask

he wants the notoriety

⤷ stu macher

LOVES HIS FANDOM

he loves being worshipped by his fandom

all compliments, all fanart, all of it he loves

teases Billy sometimes about the posts

sends scream memes to his friends

feels guilty tho when he sees posts about his and Tatum's relationship

like that's the only downside for him

he responds to fans, tells "insider" stuff, etc

Stu is very active in his fandom

he thrives off of it essentially

definitely set up a cameo or something at one point and says his iconic lines from the movie

+ try's to get fan service out of Billy

hes like an obnoxious youtuber

REPOSTS EVERYTHING

edits? yes

fanart? yes

fanfic..?

yes.

he's not rlly sad either that billy gets more attention than him cs if you love stu you LOVE stu

calls his fandom "machiacs"

cause macher + maniac

but he does think he's more famous than he actually is

like if someone doesn't recognize him he'll go "I'm THE stu macher"

fanservice king!!!

⤷ billy lenz

no shame at all

he will repost smut/hentai of him

loves his fandom cause they're as equally as horny as he is

but I think he does see that he is desirable in more ways when he finds like fluff imagines

loves his fanart the most

he would try and redraw the fanarts but they turn out horribly

he 100% try's to interact with his fandom

key word is try

he doesn't type but does the voice to text thing

so all his replies and post end up

JEJSNSBSHSISJJSNS *insert heavy breathing* HSHDNDJSJSK

his poor phone can't keep up :(

he doesn't understand the fandom but he loves them

"billy boy my beloved ❤️”

^^ those are his favorite types of fandom interactions

⤷ brahms heelshire

refuses to have internet

straight up refuses

but I feel like he's the only one who would dislike his fandom

and i mean actively dislike

if he saw how many people call him "stinky wall boy"

let's just say he would have a fit

only thing he would like is people saying he's better than other male characters

but literally that's it

hates everyone and everything about his fandom

he thinks of them as lowly or without class

its just best if he never finds out about his fandom

✎ notes . . . yes, this is a repost. tumblr deleted my old acc >:( ◯　　🖖🏻　　⭒　　⧆

©️ sethcertified 2023

[incandescentflower]

I finally watched the jdrama Eye Love You with Chae Jong Hyeop. It was an interesting watch for quite a few reasons, especially as a Cherry Magic fan.

It's an office romance with the lead having mind-reading ability with Omoinotake doing the theme song. The bright colors, the lack of "bad guys," conflict arising basically from everyone caring too much, side characters that are honest, true and lovable and mythology that is hand wavy, but full of heart (although this one could have been a tad bit better lamp-shaded IMO)

Sound familiar?

It's a Japanese drama with a popular Korean drama lead where they indulge and revel in the cultural differences in ways that are silly - like the female lead learning about what noona meant through coworkers kdrama watching and mistakenly thinking he was thinking of her in that way (which he wasn't) and hysterical - like him immediately asking her what her first name is and calling her by it when they first meet outside of the office context and then when finding out she is the CEO continuing to be his charming, familiar self and making her have an emotional meltdown over it because she both was completely embarrassed by it, but also loved everything about how open and disarming he is. (And I did too). I love that she is interested in him from the start because he is the first person she's met since she's gotten her abilities that she actually can't understand his thoughts (he thinks in Korean).

Chae Jong Hyeop is fabulous in it, as he always is when I watch him in something. He stole the show in Nevertheless (sorry, Song Kang) and I loved him in the Witch's Diner. It just reminds me I keep meaning to watch more of his stuff. Also superficially, he's charming and handsome and tall and makes the female lead look tiny and I am not usually into height difference at all but it works for these two a whole bunch. Her fantasy dream sequence really reminds us that he is very capable of being more than a smiley puppy and someone needs to give him a role like that stat. Bonus that it's just fun to me to listen to him speak in Japanese after being used to listening to him speak Korean. He's clearly really good at the language so it's great he got to use his skills for this.

Some of the most touching scenes in this drama are with the female leads father and her best friend. This is a show about her finding love, yes, but all the relationships matter and are heart-warming.

It probably has the best second male lead I've seen (maybe after Chae Jong Hyeop's character in Nevertheless haha). The care and consideration the two supposed rivals show for each other after the comedy of it is played out is nice. The circumstance itself is enough to create conflict so people don't have to be jealous assholes about it. I really enjoyed Hanaoka enough to be interested in seeing something else that actor is in.

The mythology could have been tweaked a little. There's something significant most of the characters believe and it is never clear to me why they all believed it and never questioned it in the first place. But I downed all these in a few days because ultimately it was a really fun watch with lots of good feelings.

If you are a jdrama and a kdrama fan, it's also a delight to see a nice little hybrid of the things I personally enjoy in both being thread together into one story.

It was definitely worth the watch.

[halinski]

Another thought for when you're awake but: in 1x04 when Derek has wolfsbane poisoning and it's portrayed EXACTLY the same as sensory overload is always portrayed and I think that's when the possibility of Stiles becoming his anchor was first seeded, like his brain latched onto him like "this one = safe" "this one will do anything for you, even cut your arm off if you only ask him". JUST. THESE TWO.

!!!

i just keep thinking in general werewolves = a lot like neurodivergents or autistics, bc spd is a lot like the heightened senses. I related to that soooooo much back when i watched in my teens without even realizing how much the spd impactdd me and what it was exactly. Just like, whenever they were distracted by sounds, bc they hear everything at once, pencils scratching and everyone's conversations at once, even someone talking outside, and then theschool bell is so shrill it fucking HURTS

or when you're having a meltdown and the only way to make it through is to resort to pain to somehow manage it, bc you're already in mental agony

the werewolfness is such a natural part of you, just like autism, and it allows Derek and the wolves to connect to the world in such an innate way like you said. It's without words, without a concrete human way to explain it, and that's what it feels like autistically when you non-verbally experience the world and you don't catergorize or see the world in human structures or classifcations but rather auras (a word i believe they later used in the show) where everything has a sense attached to it and you exeprience it in some other way and i believe i'm the one not making sense rn bc i just can't find the words for these things - it's just soemthing to FEEL

and i think thats what it was with stiles and derek

that's why they didnt need words

that's why we sterek shippers never needed words to understand them

why we watched them look at each other and went

THAT! THAT RIGHT THERE

because it's an understanding between words. An understanding as if between two creatures with hackled raised, wounded, who realize they're fighting a common enemy, and sharea vommon language

and that language can just be by gaze alone, and somehow snark, biting tongues and rough edges

and if Derek can be his stoic soirwolf self with his biting sarcasm and heal himself and Stiles goes from "this will cause me nightmares" (about to cutt off his arm) to "that was awesome!!" (after watching the bullet wound heal)-- well Derek knows he doesn't have to hide his rough edges from him. He doesn't have to his the black bile and blood and pain, or the way he can't force smiles or be a functioning member of society for Stiles to consider him worth saving and fighting for. Stiles cares anyway. Stiles will fight for him anyway. Stiles understands

and god does that fucking matter

bc who else stands up for derek after laura dies?

Over and over again

*insert elevator gif where stiles is saving derek with derek looking vulnerable*

and cue the soft lighting

and how we get super soft lighting every time stiles is there to save derek

ESPECIALLY in the scene where Stiles saves Derek in his "daydream" when Kate comes back and shoots derek in the chest

[mandy4ever69420]

in seasons 1-10 the only times mickey shows interest in topping (incomplete language - referring also to having sex with women) it's been an expression of psychological distress or being unsafe. this pattern emerged by coincidence mostly but fits pretty well also into mickey's casual tone leading people to not take him entirely seriously.

see: "my dad will kill me" - it sounds like hyperbole, because people say things like this as hyperbole, so ian assumes he must be at least slightly overreacting

especially when he refers to incarceration his casual tone laughs off "being somebody's bitch" and people don't tend to take prison, even child prison, as seriously as i think they should. mickey generally builds a pretty impressive defense mechanism against facing how scary things are by saying them straight up so people don't follow up. a lot of his plot involves the story asking you to take something seriously that he says as though it's a joke. this also has to do with the complicated maneuvers he has to do around the closet. when mandy says he only asks for "girl-on-girl porn" it did immediately occur to me that he'd found a non-gay way to ask for gay porn.

mickey's sleeping with women is another topic where he can mostly find it easy to look away from the hard parts of how it feels. technically speaking, none of the women he slept with did anything wrong. though it does feel relevant to note: we are introduced to the fact that mickey covers for himself by actually having sex with women (rather than implying it, or just bearding like ian and mandy) a literal single scene after he confronts a manipulative pedophile. in a similar piece of framing, we don't learn mickey is gay until after we've learned that his dad is a nazi

his deal with byron is kind of an outlier as the least outright sad occurrence of this, because he's not actively having THAT much of a meltdown. he is, however, making a very direct point, basically to ian's face. both ian and the viewer are made excruciatingly aware that this guy is not somebody mickey would ever seriously pursue. he does it to hammer home the point that he's never going to seriously want to pursue anybody BUT ian. mickey is immediately cognizant of the exact kind of self worth meltdown ian is having (because he's seen it before) and this time he's figured out the retrospectively obvious fact that the best way to get ian out of his own way is to just piss him off. when he tried making his devotion more obvious to reassure ian in s6 it just fed into ian's guilt complex about making mickey act like he loved him. byron is given the unfortunate hand of being picked out as a sort of a parody of everything mickey doesn't want in life. sorry dude.

i've said it before but to reiterate: the fact that mickey is making a strategic choice here doesn't negate that he's feeling vulnerable and hurt. he's just not one to linger on that sort of thing and prefers to move forward with gritted teeth. pragmatism in the most ridiculous dramatic way

i think there was a pretty good opportunity to tie all of this up^ with like a nice bow in 11.03 by either working with a "maybe the discomfort gained from a lifetime of being pressured into something i wasn't that into doesn't have to have power over me anymore even just once to prove my point with someone i do trust" angle OR by taking this from an potentially miss-able subtext into something more overt - if mickey's worrying about being the "man" is it an indication that something else is going on in his head that we need to worry about?

so it's just. infuriating to me that instead this episode is written like an intro to gay relationships. because we couldve been making points here people. nevermind that it barely sidestepped the slightly interesting "bottoming isn't womanly, and womanly isn't bad" there was much more potential there! well let's simply hope that framing mickey as making some sort of concession by regularly bottoming, whoever decided to write that isn't fucking anyone. because jesus christ

[omegasmileyface]

The Forest, the Trees, the Fire I: CATALYST

Chapter 3

woawoawoa chapter 3 :) this chapter more than doubles the word count of the story thus far! Authors: @ectolemonades, me, @attackradish. Artist: @/crunchysart

For the full characters list, word count, content warning, and a directory to all the currently available chapters and related content, see the Table of Contents!

full summary: The world outside of Amity Park has learned about the existence of ghosts, and the time for first impressions has arrived. The delicate public consciousness could be disrupted by the slightest ripple. Danny Fenton is being ripped apart from all sides, and when he finally breaks, the ripples will be very big indeed.

warnings: self-worth issues, small meltdowns, that kinda thing

words: 3388

AO3 link

first chapter

previous chapter

next chapter

===

October 6, 2006

Danny tried to find a way to rest his head without the school bus vibrating his brains out. They’d left city limits forever ago, and the excitement that gripped everyone this morning had died down. Sitting next to Tucker had fought off the boredom for most of the trip, but conversation ran dry a couple miles back. Even the back of the bus had gotten quiet. There’s only so many unique 'would you rather?' scenarios that a group of teenagers who already see each other every week for football anyway can think up.

Danny leaned his head against the seat in front of him, the bitter bus seat smell prickling his nostrils. Gravity dragged his body into an increasingly uncomfortable slouch, the vinyl clinging to his forehead and stretching his facial features upwards until his skin stung. Bone ground against bone as his vertebrae tried to accommodate the unnatural arch his neck had been forced into. Eventually the discomfort won over the exhaustion, and Danny sat up straight again, unsatisfied and unchanged. Bound to do it again. Like Sisyphus.

They had to have been on this bus for AT LEAST, like, half an hour.

“You’d think they’d build a laser tag place a little closer to the city. You know, so people could actually go there,” Tucker remarked. 

“Well, isn't this some GIW thing? I bet they saw one of those dilapidated roadside fun-whatevers and just said ‘kids like these, right?’ and nabbed it without thinking.”

“Well, they’d be right. Laser tag rules." Tucker slid off his headphones. "Really, how badly could they ruin something like laser tag?“

“It’s the GIW. They’ll find a way.” 

“C’mon, Danny. A year ago you woulda been even more excited for this trip than me! Even if it is about hunting ghosts, it’s not like we haven’t done that before." Tucker rubbed his shoulder against Danny's and adopted his best 'cheer up, Sport, we're on our way to Disney as we speak!' voice. "Could be fun!”

As patronizing as he was being (and Danny immediately got him back for that shoulder rub), Tucker was right. Spending half the school day at a laser tag place should have been a dream come true! Maybe he could let himself enjoy this. 

“Tell you what," Danny said. "I will keep myself open to the possibility of having fun! Whether it happens or not is none of my business."

“That’s more like it! I was beginning to worry Sam’s goth spores finally took over your frontal lobe.”

“Not yet, Tuck. I haven’t fallen that far.”

“I dunno, you seem pretty close,” he teased. 

“Am not!”

“I’m gonna come to class one day and I’ll see you in a long sleeved striped shirt and guyliner.” 

“That’s emo, not goth.”

“A-HA! And since when do you care about that distinction, my friend who totally isn’t infested with spores?” 

“Shut up!” Danny shoved him playfully.  

“You’re just saying that because…”

“HEY! I THINK I SEE IT!” shouted Mikey from the front of the bus. Conversation burst from its grave as the students clamored to catch a glimpse of their destination.

“Alright, everyone, settle down! We’re almost there, but let’s stay professional and orderly.” Mr. Lancer shakily stood up at the head of the bus. “What did I say about opening windows? Mr. Baxter! Stay on your side of the aisle.” He plopped down again.

“Hey, Danny, what do you see?” asked Tucker.

Braving the buzz of the glass, Danny pressed against the window for the widest view ahead. Amid the fields of soybeans and rotting grain elevators stood a warehouse with a highlighter-colored wall and a parking lot. Out front was a sign in an inscrutable font on an impressive pole. He couldn’t read it at all through the vibrations. 

“Well?”

“It’s big. I think the front is spray painted or something.”

“Oh, maybe the building’s an independent thing. You know how the government is about spray paint.”

“Let’s hope,” Danny sighed. 

They lurched around in their seats as the bus slowed and veered into the parking lot, where another bus was already unloading. Danny waved when he saw Sam in the crowd, but she didn’t look over. The bus parked, and Mr Lancer rose to block the front.

“Okay! Just a reminder that we are not going to be rushing inside right off the bat! We are going to gather by the front of the bus and then go in in an orderly fashion.”

Danny and Tucker stayed in their seats as the A-listers barged to the front of the bus. They only followed once they were urged to hurry up. 

When Danny got a better look at the spray paint mural, disappointment settled on his shoulders. It was covered in gross-looking cartoon ghosts getting shot at by some guy in sunglasses. Sighing, he braced for the ectophobic propaganda that was undoubtedly going to be inside. Damn. Right after he got his hopes up. 

There was way more going on in the foyer than he expected. It wasn’t just a tight room with a front counter; there were a couple arcade machines and quite a few benches. They seemed to be prepped for larger crowds, at least for Amity. Plastered on the walls were some “informative” posters about ghosts and what to do if you see one. Guides on how to support the GIW in your community and bullshit like that. There was also a sorry-looking ball pit in the corner. 

Mr. Lancer and Ms. Driftwind, the bio teacher, had ganged up on some of the staff. They were all huddled around a clipboard and pointing at students intermittently. 

“C’mon, Danny. I see Sam brooding near the ball pit. Whatever we're waiting for, it’s gonna take a while, so we might as well hang out.” Tucker gestured for him to follow with a jerk of his chin.

Sam started talking without even looking up at them. "Do you think they have a snack bar here?"

Danny looked around. "I don't see any."

"Me neither. But it would be weird not to have one, right? At an entertainment center?"

Tucker boldly stuck his feet in the ball pit without even looking. "Maybe they can't get catering all the way out here?"

"You don't get catering for a snack bar. You just get ingredients shipped."

Danny grabbed a ball out of the pit and ignored the way Sam recoiled in disgust. "If the GIW owns the whole building, it's probably weird. Maybe they have a sketchy cafeteria in the back. 'Hello, hip kids! Come on back for a radical snack! We have hot dogs, and they're made out of normal meat.'"

His friends laughed. Somehow, they ended up talking about how weird American commercials for Japanese video games were, and before they knew it they were all in the ball pit, passionately pelting each other with plastic while doing impressions of overly-enthusiastic TV gamers. Danny went wide with a ball aimed at Tucker, and it hit Mr. Lancer in the side. He glared. Whoops.

Ms. Driftwood clapped her hands rhythmically to get the scattered teenagers' attention. "Ravens! A third of you will be heading in to hear the rules now. If and when we call your name, please group up neatly by this door."

Before long, Dash's wish had come true and they were both in the first group together. Better yet, Danny's friends weren't joining them. Joyous day.

"Alright, kids! Have fun!"

As they passed through the door, someone yelled "kill somebody, Baxter!" and Danny felt the weight of an omen there.

As soon as he could, he got out of Dash's line of sight and to the back of the line. He knew he'd be found eventually, but at least for now there were a couple other A-listers in the group, and they were too busy hyping each other up to even look in his direction. When the door opened, they were the first through it. 

As the rest of the students filed in, he saw a few people’s shirts light up, and a wave of nostalgia washed over him. Years ago, he’d begged his parents to take him to a local rock show when he’d heard there was a meteorite, and while he was there he saw some rocks that fluoresced under UV light. 

He wondered if ghosts were fluorescent. Crap. What if he was fluorescent? He couldn’t just step out of line, everyone would notice and there would be questions. The door was several steps away. Ancients, what if this was the end? Shit shit shit shit. Shit!

Ghosts do not fluoresce under UV light. 

Danny relaxed his shoulders. He hated being this paranoid about everything. It was over, he was okay, that’s what mattered. Breathing as deeply as he could without getting stares, he waited for the blacklights to start being fun again. They didn’t.

“So. Who here has played laser tag before?” asked a laser room employee. Several hands shot up.

“Okay, cool, cool. So you know how this is going to go. Everyone else, this is for you. See the vests and blasters against the wall? You’re going to need to put the vests on, making sure the big triangle is centered on your chest.”

There were students suiting up before the instructor had finished talking. Danny subconsciously calculated how long he should wait until grabbing a vest of his own to draw the least attention. 

“Ok, everyone is doing good so far! Now, as some of you have already heard, this is going to be a little different than usual laser tag. You’re going to be taking the role of GIW operatives, fighting against ghosts hidden in the maze. Fake ones, of course.” The instructor chuckled at his own joke.

“There’s a variety of targets hidden in the maze, some ghostly and some harmless. The more ghosts you shoot, the more points you get! If you shoot a civilian target, you lose points. And it’s not just a glorified shooting range, you gotta be careful and have sharp reflexes. If you don’t shoot the ghost within a few seconds after it jumps out at you, you lose a life. Everyone got that?” 

The group nodded and murmured with agreement. 

“Are you guys ready to kick some slimy ghost butt?”

A halfhearted “yeah” rippled through the room. 

“Alright, we can do better than that! Are you guys ready?” 

A “yeah” that was equal parts excited and begrudging rang out. Danny wished he could melt people with his mind. First they desecrate laser tag and blacklights, then they talk about how he’s less than human and deserves to fucking die, and they stick him in a confined space with his bully and demand that he play enthusiastic? Fuck you.

The instructor seemed appeased.  

“Alright then, soldiers, let’s go go go!” He swung open the doors to the course and the crowd bolted out, with Danny caught in the flow. The techno music hit him like a wall. He didn’t see Dash, and he didn’t want to. He’d already turned a corner by the time he called out.

“Hey, where’s Fenton? I need him to watch my six.”

Danny unwound his shoulders a little. That wasn’t a problem he’d have to deal with for a while.

Turning another corner, he nearly slammed face first into a fluorescent green cutout. He shoved down his instinctual response to go ghost, instead swinging his gun up and shooting at the little black thing in its chest. His gun flashed and made an approving noise, and the cutout folded back against the wall.

As Danny made his way deeper into the maze, his mood brightened. Not by much, but… noticeably. The beat got his blood pumping, he was waist deep in fog, and it wasn’t like he hadn’t shot ghosts before. Even the blacklights were regaining some appeal. 

The next cutout was of the Box Ghost, who he happily gunned down. A shoddy representation of Technus swung out behind him, and was taken down just as fast. It felt good. Pretty much all the ghosts here were either perfectly generic or ones he had grudges against. They even had that jerk with the red eyes and the memory powers, who Danny took out with a masterful 360 no-scope. Not that his gun had a scope, but it was still cool. 

His spirits dropped when he turned a corner and saw Dash Baxter in the middle of the path. He was looking down another hallway, and hadn’t noticed him yet. 

Dash lowered his gun, smiling like he’d cleverly avoided a trap. A second later, his vest buzzed violently. 

“Hey, what’s the big idea?“

Curiosity got the better of Danny, and he jogged over to see what had Dash worked up. It was a cutout of him. Well, of Phantom. Dash’s vest buzzed again. 

“I’m not shooting Phantom!” Dash threw down his gun with a loud clatter. “This thing’s freaking busted.”

His vest buzzed a third time, and a loud recording rang out overhead. “Player sixteen: eliminated.”

“No, some genius set up the course wrong! I’d better get a second round after this.”

A tinny laser sound rang out, and the cutout sprung shut. 

“Phantom’s a ghost, idiot,” said Elliot, before running off to score more points. 

“Idiot?! You think I'M the idiot here?! He's on our side!” Dash’s nose crinkled into a full snarl, and his eyes flashed in Danny’s direction.

“I bet you feel the same way, Mr. Fenton Works! Huh?” Dash marched up and seized him by the shoulder straps. “Bet you’d shoot him down while he was distracted saving someone, or some shit, because… I don’t know, there’s something fuckin' wrong with you or something!” Dash threw him aside.

The commotion was drawing a crowd. There were two students behind Dash, and Danny heard footsteps behind him. He wasn’t getting a chance to appease Dash, not that he wanted that asshole to think they were on the same side of anything. 

“Fact, we all got saved by Phantom just a couple weeks ago when that weirdo meat lady attacked at Star's birthday party!"

“Dash, Phantom’s putting on an act. We all know that,” said Valerie.

“What act? You think he’d be risking his life every night saving people from ghosts if it was all an act? If he wanted us dead he’d let us freaking die!”

Liam scoffed. “He wants us to think ghosts can be trusted, duh. And it looks like it’s working. Why do you care? Do you have a crush on him or something?”

The tensed muscles in Dash’s neck spelled death. “Why you little—!” Dash lunged forward. A hand seized his arm. 

“Hey!" One of the staff materialized from the shadows. "That kind of behavior isn’t going to fly here. Mr. Baxter, right? You’ll be coming with me.” 

“Hell no! Why don’t you explain why Phantom’s set up as an enemy? Trying to get us to turn on our local hero? Thinning out the competition?”

“You’re coming with me, this isn’t a request. We’ll talk about this later.” 

“Make me!” Dash squared his shoulders and puffed out his chest. 

The staff member shrugged. “You look like you play sports. Think for a moment. You’re at a school-sponsored event. Wanna bet that there won’t be consequences?”

Dash scowled, then his shoulders sunk. He sulked after the agent, leaving awkward silence in his wake. Danny just stood there. You don’t just start playing again after something like that.

===

In time, the round was officially over, and Danny went back into the lobby without looking at the leaderboard. 

“Man, Danny, you look almost as bad coming out as you did going in. Was it really that bad?” Tucker asked. 

Danny blew through his teeth. “It’s complicated.”

“Complicated?” Sam’s fork foraged through the green stuff she brought from home. “Does it have something to do with whatever Dash did that got him escorted outside?” 

“In fact, it has everything to do with what Dash did.” Danny scowled.

“Well, don’t leave us hanging, what did he do?”

“Must’ve been something pretty bad. He never gets more than a slap on the wrist.”

“He decided to make a big old scene about Phantom being a hero, how he saved our lives and shouldn’t be hated like other ghosts and whatever.”

Tucker glanced around, then leaned in close. 

“Isn’t that… a good thing, though?” he whispered. 

“No,” Danny hissed. “I’m not letting myself be endorsed by Dash fucking Baxter. He's the worst bully at Casper, he doesn’t get to like Phantom.”

Sam shrugged. “Maybe this could be to our advantage. He might leave you alone if he thinks you’re on the same side.”  

“Maybe!” Danny cursed himself and lowered his voice. “It might’ve been nice to catch a bit of slack. But I’m not gonna degrade myself by walking up to him and telling him he’s not alone, that I care about Phantom too and no hard feelings and we can help him together and it’s all going to be ok. I’m past groveling for his approval.” 

“…Are you past buying dumb tracksuits too?” asked Sam dryly. 

An icy shock stabbed through Danny's chest. It was just a joke. He knew it was a joke, they teased each other like this all the time. This was stupid. It’s no big deal. It’s not like he didn’t deserve it.

The shock faded into a buzzing ball of dread and weight. Tucker’s concerned face had been replaced with a lighthearted smile, and the corners of Sam’s lips were turned subtly upwards. They didn’t mean anything by it, on any other day he’d have laughed and quipped right back. 

He stood up. Everything was just a bit too much. Tucker said something, but Danny was already on his way to the front doors. 

Fresh air filled his lungs. He hadn’t realized how much the echoing cacophony was getting to him. Out here, every sound was clear and distinct. Bits of gravel left over from snow season crunched under his feet. Cars occasionally whooshed past on the highway. Getting caught out here could mean trouble, but he doubted anyone would come out. Eventually settling for a yellow parking bumper near the corner of the building, he sat down and braced his elbows on his knees. 

Right as his shoulders were relaxing, he heard the weather stripping of the front doors scrape across the concrete. He bolted out of sight. 

“Mr. Lancer, I think you know what I brought you out here to discuss.”

Danny’s ears perked up. 

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what got into him. He’s a good kid, best quarterback we’ve had in years.” 

“I’m sure he is, he didn’t strike me as a delinquent. Neat hair, strong posture, and as you said a football player. Good all-American young man. But that boy’s been exposed to some dangerous ideas, and it seems like some of them have begun to take root.”

Mr. Lancer sighed, with a  concern that Danny wasn’t used to hearing. “Is he going to be put on a watchlist?” 

“No, nothing that drastic. He’s a teenager, he’s bound to make some stupid mistakes. The government understands that. But to make sure nothing worse comes of this, it would be a good idea to sign him up for some mandatory counseling sessions on ghosts and respecting authorities.”   

“I’ll make sure that happens. Thank you for being so understanding.” 

“Of course. The GIW is here to keep you safe, not to bring down the hammer on impressionable teenagers.” 

Danny sneered at that last sentence. As if. 

“Thank you again, regardless.” 

He heard them go back inside. Knowing that they had just used the front door made getting back in unnoticed suddenly feel a lot more daunting. Maybe he’d just wait around for the trip to end and merge in with the rest of the students as they lined up for the bus. Look for ladybugs in the grass or something. And he wouldn’t have to deal with the consequences of bailing on Sam and Tucker either. He could just wait until they forgot or it got too awkward to mention so they wouldn’t try to apologize to him even though he was the one in the wrong.

That’s what he’d do. It was gonna be a long wait.

[tenebriism]

Ghirahim/Fi for the ship meme thing? ( if you don't ship them, no pressure )

Send Me a Ship and I'll Tell You . . . [ ACCEPTING ] ;;

GHIRAHIM X FI :

Who is more likely to hurt the other?

Ghirahim would 100%, without a doubt, hurt Fi before Fi would hurt him, whether accidental or intentional.

Who is emotionally stronger?

Fi. Ghirahim suffers from one tiny little inconvenience and he has a meltdown.

Who is physically stronger?

I'd have to say Fi? Simply because light trumps darkness, and as the spirit of the Master Sword, Fi has a huge advantage over Ghirahim.

Who is more likely to break a bone? 

Neither. They're sword spirits, so they're extremely resilient.

Who knows best what to say to upset the other? 

Ghirahim. He's a spiteful, rude man and won't hesitate to resort to tactics that give him the upper hand, even towards someone he's, supposedly, supposed to care about. This gets better as time passes and he learns how to treat other people, but it's definitely a rocky start.

Who is most likely to apologize first after an argument? 

Fi. Ghirahim would sooner perish than ever admit he was wrong.

Who treats who’s wounds more often? 

Surprisingly, I could see them both being extremely over-protective and attentive? Just in their own unique ways.

Who is in constant need of comfort? 

Ghirahim, although he won't want it and he won't admit it. Post Skyward Sword, he has a lot of self doubts and self worth issues... a lot to work on, and work through, basically.

Who gets more jealous? 

Ghirahim, Ghirahim, Ghirahim. He's territorial, his emotions are a ticking time bomb on a good day, and if something or someone is imposing upon something that is HIS, he definitely gets pissy about it.

Who’s most likely to walk out on the other? 

Ghirahim would walk out on Fi. In fact, he probably does it several times amidst their relationship, and then comes crawling back like a fool. It's not necessarily to hurt Fi, but his ability to cling onto something good, and believe he DESERVES this aforementioned good, is non-existent.

Who will propose? 

I could see Ghirahim proposing to Fi. When Ghirahim loves, he loves INTENSELY, and if he has decided that he wants to be with someone for the rest of his life, he's not going to hesitate to seal the deal. It would take QUITE some time to get there, though.

Who has the most difficult parents?

Ghirahim. The way Demise treated him as nothing more than a tool to be used? Hardly acknowledged his existence or individuality, and Ghirahim definitely has some trauma from that... meanwhile, Link would probably give the Master Sword bubble baths and wrap it in a blanket if he could.

Who initiates hand-holding when they’re out in public? 

Surprisingly, Ghirahim, but very, very tentatively.

Who hogs the blankets? 

Definitely Ghirahim, lmfao. It gets better with time, but he's, uh... not the most GENEROUS of beings to start.

Who gets more sad? 

Ghirahim. Fi is still learning human emotions, so I don't think she'd cry much, if at all, and if she does, it would be rare and purely unintentional. Ghirahim, on the other hand, feels... and he feels a LOT. It's a lot easier to get him worked up than it is Fi.

Who is better at cheering the other up? 

Definitely Fi. Ghirahim and positivity don't necessarily mix, and it's difficult for him to get out of his OWN head, let alone help someone else out of theirs.

Who’s the one that playfully slaps the other all the time after they make silly jokes?

Mm... I can't see either of them doing that, but if I had to choose? Ghirahim.

Who is more streetwise?

Ghirahim. Not by too, too much, but he's, arguably, had a lot more freedom and exposure than Fi has.

Who is more wise?

Fi.

Who’s the shyest?

Fi. Ghirahim? Shy? Naaaaaah.

Who boasts about the other more? 

Ghirahim about Fi. He finds her absolutely gorgeous even while they're enemies, so once he successfully gets with her? Oh, EVERYONE is gonna know about it (the few people who are willing to listen to his rambling, at least.)

Who sits on whose lap? 

Hilariously, I can see Ghirahim wanting to sit on Fi's lap a lot. Nobody else can sit there if he's there, after all~

@braveryhearted ;;

[boomblebee-420]

Sk8 Headcanons

Random Sk8 headcanons because I can. If you don't agree with them, please just keep scrolling

There is some shipping between characters. Some of this is me projecting onto characters because I kin them lol

Fluff, Angst, Crack

Warnings: Mentions of self-worth issues, self-harm, suicide attempts, homophobia, anxiety, meltdowns, death, intrusive thoughts, and panic attacks

REKI

-definitely chews on his pencils

-has wanted a dog for years but he’s allergic

-transmasc demiboy 

-biromantic and demisexual

-uses he/they pronouns

-AuDHD

-they’re a hopeless romantic

-his binder is orange 

-started a fund for top surgery

-gives Langa wheels that they make as birthday/holiday gifts, or just whenever

-spins/jumps in a circle to stim

-also repeats memes, vines, sounds, pretty much anything he finds funny or interesting

-he doesn’t look like it, but he reads a LOT 

-they don’t like reading for school because the books suck

-bouncy leg bouncy leg bouncy leg

-separation anxiety with Langa

-FAST FAST FAST MUSIC OR DEATH

-used to cut, but stopped since meeting Langa and the gang. Relapsed when he and Langa were fighting

-depression and anxiety

-knows how to drum (self taught on buckets and empty bins. He’s actually really good)

-inferiority complex

-incredibly impulsive but also very cautious

LANGA

-constantly tapping fingers on everything

-autism, inattentive adhd, ocd

-cat person

-gayyyyy

-asexual

-uses he/they/ice 

-talks to his dad a lot (even though he’s gone, it makes ice feel like he’s still with them)

-non-verbal sometimes

-donates some of his paycheck to Reki’s top surgery fund every month

-has no regard for his safety

-my guy can’t take a hint to save their life

-plays a lot of video games

-hyperfixated on omori and undertale 

-clicks ices tongue a lot

-has made an attempt on their life before. Ice is better since meeting Reki and the gang

-doesn’t really like books, more of a movie person but he usually doesn’t finish them in one sitting

-really bad intrusive thoughts. Ice will often shut himself up in their room for days because of them

-gets Reki flowers all the time

-Everytime ice meets a new skater, he demands a beef

-Can play the piano

-Monster Energy addict

-depression 

-Used to be extremely emo (style-wise)

-Listens to midwest emo, regular emo, shoegaze, indie, some pop 

-Likes to stick to a schedule and has meltdowns if it’s disrupted

MIYA

-Aroace

-They/He/She 

-genderfluid as fuck

-hates polka dots (STRIPE SUPREMACY)

-loves all fluffy animals

-loves going to the zoo and making fun of random people there

-royalty of embarrassing his friends

-huge abandonment issues

-tends to stay up till three am eating fruit snacks and playing video games

-she and the gang have mario kart contests every saturday night

-has hidden in Langa and Reki’s houses before and scared the shit out of them

-listens to fleetwood mac but will never admit it

-learned german just to fuck with people

-photobombs everyone (even people they don’t know)

-Wilbur Soot and Lovejoy fan. He and Langa listen to them together while playing video games

-Perfectionist

-Has G.A.D and depression, finds it hard to do simple tasks a lot of the time

-Gets panic attacks sometimes

-Watches MCYT

JOE

-Bisexual disaster

-he/him

-Knows spanish and uses it to his advantage

-my guy got mad rizz, as we all know

-Used to be in a band with Cherry. They were called Skate Bomb. It didn’t last long

-Plays bass and guitar

-Sings, but not very well

-dude’s been cooking since before he could walk

-dominates mario kart almost every single time

-listens to everything under the sun (mostly surf rock), and sings country songs to annoy the gang

-has memorized all the vines. Good luck finding one he doesn’t know

-sucks at dying his hair so he forces Cherry and Shadow to help him

-Was a theater kid

-Favorite animal is a penguin. Thinks they’re the funniest things to walk this earth

-Self-harmed as a teenager

-Has anxiety, and tries his best to help the gang when their not feeling the best

-Horrible eyesight, he wears contacts

CHERRY

-He/She

-Gay as fuck

-Agender

-Autistic

-had horrible handwriting and Joe kept making fun of him for it, so she got really good and opened his calligraphy business out of spite

-secretly loves musicals, and knows every word to Hamliton. Like, she memorized the entire script

-Fluent in english and french

-plays a shit ton of instruments and really good at all of them

-major perfectionist

-extremely tech savvy

-believes that Carla is his soulmate

-sings like a fucking angel

-can’t cook for shit, but has really high standards for food

-has horrible self-worth problems and only Joe knows 

-Parents were incredibly homophobic and strict, so she’s really sneaky

-Acts like he hates being touched but is secretly touch-starved and craves attention

-Grew up rich 

-Donates a shit ton of money to charity. Also donates to Reki’s fund when she finds out about it from Langa

-Doesn’t really like animals

SHADOW

-Been gardening since he was small

-He/They

-Trans FTM

-Pansexual

-Really good at makeup, and occasionally will get into drag just for fun

-Amazing fashion sense

-Loves his grandma and brings her flowers all the time

-Been in love with his manager for years

-Has O.S.D.D, and O.C.D

-Horrible relationship with his parents. They cut off all communication with them as soon as he turned 18

-Sucks ass at mario kart

-Has a god complex and inferiority complex 

-Gets intrusive thoughts a lot

-Saved a shit ton of money and managed to get top surgery at 22

-Listens to goth and punk music and hates country (except Dolly Parton, he loves her but will never admit it)

[bakawitch]

I know that it's likely been a while but do you still remember what you had planned for that Kakegurui/Yugioh au? I would love to hear about it.

Woah it's been a hot minute since that crossover has been on mind! I'll share some of my plans without spoiling too much, since I still wanna get back to it sometime.

As of now the story mostly follows the plot of the original Kakegurui series, XX, and some elements from Twin with some changes here and there, since I still want to keep the yugioh characters somewhat true to their original personalities.

Now, for a quick rundown on some of the characters!

Muto Yugi and Shobami Yamiko are the protagonist and the deuteragonist, respectively. This is mostly shown by us (the audience) always being able to hear Yugi's inner monologue, but only hearing Yami's thoughts through Yugi, when it's clear they're doing their weird wordless language (kind of like Yobami and Inbami). The two of them are almost creepily close with each other, always groking the other's intentions to an unnerving degree. Is their relationship romantic? Platonic? Or some secret other option? No one really knows, including them! They're too busy hyperfixating on their next gambling match to think about that! The story basically follows Yami dragging Yugi down into an adrenaline driven crazy gambling addiction, but unlike with Yumeko and Ryota, it's going to happen a lot faster and it's not just gonna come out of nowhere in the last moment. For a bit more info and art on them, you can check out my original post here!

Now for our Saotome Meari stand in, Jonouchi Katsuya. Like Saotome, Jonouchi is very proud and essentially rules his class at one point. He originally came to the school for some quick cash to pay off his father's constantly increasing debt. There was a point in his life when he was forced to become a house pet in the service of a certain student council member for a week, but after successfully raising enough money to buy himself out under the span of three days, he became extremely popular as a self made gambling genius. Most people in school either respect or fear him, and despite not coming from a rich background like most other students, he has an unreal amount of influence over the student body. Or rather had. After Yami beat him and put him in debt with the council again, his resolve alongside his reputation has been dwindling. Right now, he's getting more desperate by the day to pay off his debt, desperate enough to ally himself with a housepet and the very man who put him in this situation to begin with.

And now, for the main rival, the student council president, Kaibami Seto. Honestly, you guys probably expected this, lol. This character will be wildly different from Momobami Kirari though, 'cause well, this is Kaiba we're talking about. He's not gonna have that careless, seductive, whimsy, murderous vibe Kirari has. He's gonna be equally intense as he is in yugioh, I literally can't imagine him in any other way. Throughout the story, Yami and his friends will work their way through each of the council members through gambling matches, like in the show, until they reach Kaibami. Kaibami is a lot more present than Kirari, but he's still elusive and very closed off. He finds it extremely annoying that his supposedly unbeatable and highly influential councilmen are falling like flies in Yami's way and he often takes it out on his poor office (true to Kakegurui I also made him more dramatic lol). Once him and Yami finally confront each other, they have a life or death outcome gambling match, but funnily enough Yami loses interest near the end of the game, because Kaibami has become predictable to him and he doesn't find their game exciting anymore or worth the stakes. Yami makes the proper moves to end the match in a draw and leaves Kaibami in the dust. Kaibami has the most dramatic meltdown of his life, and if he wasn't already obsessed with Yami enough, he swears vengeance and murder against him. Shortly after this word gets out to the Kaibami family of Seto's incompetence and unstability and the other clans send their spawns to the academy for a new student council election.

To be continued! Obviously, this is just an extremely simplified version of the story, and there are so many other characters I still want to introduce! Like the Bakura triplets, the council members, and the other clans, but most stuff dedicated to the au is still only in my brain unfortunately XD

[kindheart525]

Tag yourself! I’m Slowly Dying, Discord Server Mod, and Poor Little Neigh Neigh

[Image Description: Chibi-styled headshots of the Thirdverse cast with the following descriptions under them (character names indicated in parentheses, not part of image):

Homophobic Dog (Celestial Blessing)

Would rather drink a smoothie than go to therapy

“You have depression? Just cheer up”

Gives you a dirty look if you start crying

Constantly judging everyone

Slowly Dying (Bismuth Sun)

Full time student with a job, doesn’t even need it to survive

Three majors and five minors, considering another

Attends every single community event

Somehow has time for online discourse too

Quiet Quitter (Evergreen Blaze)

Does the bare minimum at work

Works with someone for 5 years and never learns their name

His favorite color is “personal information”

Avoids his coworkers at the grocery store

Influencer (Moonray Chill)

Goes on annual trips to Disney, thinks this is normal

Believed in Santa until she was 14

“If you’re homeless, just buy a house!”

No concept of money whatsoever

Common L (Lantern Glow)

Looks at themselves crying in the mirror when they have a breakdown

Has daddy issues or mommy issues if not both

Finds comfort in their childhood interests well past that age

Can’t find a therapist so they have several diaries

iPad Kid (Strawberry Breeze)

Bites people like a rabid dog

Life goal is to scream louder than Krakatoa

Picks her nose and wipes it on the wall

First word was fuck

Better Than You (Earth Day)

Always dresses in style

“I won’t have my son doing makeup like that, his eyeliner is all wrong”

Can convince you that you need something you had no interest in

Joins every single conversation just to be the center of attention

Nepo Baby (Princess Cut)

How much could one banana be? 10 dollars?

Thinks Kim Kardashian is a self-made millionaire

Saves money by cutting out avocado toast and Netflix

Also dad owns a business

Chihuahua In An Itchy Sweater (Sunny Sweet Dreams)

“It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me”

Takes even the slightest teasing personally

Selective in showing affection including to herself

Thinks being school project partners is "too intimate"

Dont Mine At Night (Laffy Taffy)

Curses at you in the Call of Duty lobby

Has a meltdown when the game lags

Fall Out Boy blaring in headphones 24/7

No sleep, bad grades, but defeating the final boss was worth it

Shallow (Galatea Candyheart)

Everyone wants to be her friend

Because she has the cool 24 pack of crayons with the sharpener on the back

She has to check her schedule to plan playdates…in preschool

Calls people she just met her best friend

Oh Worm? (Tiger Lily)

Says I love you to the cashier at McDonalds

Holds the door open for people who didn’t ask

Offers snacks and band-aids to everyone including strangers

Cries harder than you do when you scrape your knee

Discord Server Mod (Daisy Wasp)

The only one with conflict resolution skills

Stays up till 3am to moderate the group discussion

“No venting in the general chat”

Calls herself the friend group babysitter

Poor Little Neigh Neigh (Fairyfly)

Puts all the pressure on himself because his parents won’t do it

Complains about the stress he’s under as if it isn’t self-imposed

Thinks it makes him a better person

“Shut up I’m not short I just hit 4’11”

International Harvester (Blackberry Maple)

Posts travel pics at 12pm on a Tuesday

Accepts every single friend request on Facebook

Knows every stranger’s life story

You only ever see him at Thanksgiving dinner

Living Pinterest Board (Orchard Sunrise)

Does school notes about horrible tragedies in cursive with a pink highlighter

Every outfit is coordinated, even the work clothes

Spends hours in the bathroom doing her makeup

Asks you for help but nitpicks every step of the way

Useless Little Fuck (Fireside Jam)

Quotes distracting vines while his family does dangerous yardwork

Tries to carry the groceries inside but spills the whole bag

Offers to carry one (1) thing and hands it back to mom when it gets too heavy

Parents have to re-do all the chores he did badly

End Description.]

[deepshadowchaos]

Cupid is a bitch

I'm not doing anything enough. I'm more likely to be productive when i'm trying to run from my own mind.

A month has passed since the last meltdown, one of the bigger ones that could've lead me anywhere but repetition found me back here again. Crying when I shouldn't be.

I'm fooling myself and being self aware of that is it's own genre of torture. It's more than self sabotage, deeper.

Love, like so many aspects of life is complex. Sometimes I think that's all I live for and sometimes I think it's the number one thing dragging me down. The way that I love my friends and family have gotten so cloudy. And when it comes to romance, I am not a good partner to engage with. Even when i'm trying my best.

Being alone all the time again has me really thinking about the contrast of different phases of my life. What people it brought, how close I tried to be with some of them..

How many of them have thrown me away after immense consistency and a lot of broken promises. Like years and years worth of words that mean nothing..

I've been revisiting True Blood and I keep crying when one of the characters says something real and powerful that resonates with what i'm going through. It feels like a sign from the universe sometimes. Maybe it is. I'm kind of hopelessly wrapped up in someone that will never see me the way either of us need to. I'm sure he probably thinks similar thoughts about me. I'm too possessive, jealous and calculated when it comes to finding the truth at any cost. I hate being lied to, I hate liars and i've made that clear over and over again only to let them into my heart anyway. I can't say that my radar is busted because I always catch them but what does it say about me that i'm looking so hard? How can I say something is a deal breaker and then let the same person do it repeatedly? He likes to play dumb but he's one of the brightest people i've ever met and we've talked enough and i've seen enough and read enough to know better. The moments that I cling to can feel like justification but as i've told him too many times, his actions speak more than his words..

As it turns out that goes for everyone but I guess my toleration is different based on my relationship with them.

The guys that i've dated and developed feelings for, every single one of them has cheated on me and every single one of them have told me that I make them feel like THEY aren't good enough and could never make me happy..

I can live by the generic words that my friends and family used to describe me but i'd rather make my own definition.

He has given me a lot that nobody else has or even probably could. Even just the way he holds me at a distance but hasn't thrown me away. There's a different power in the relationship dynamic we've created and while there's been far too much damage and baggage accumulated, there's been so much growth and lesson too..

[dzpenumbra]

6/27/23

Alright, let's dive into this head-first. I'm having a bit of a meltdown.

I streamed tonight. I did some work on my abstract piece, about an hour. Then I ate dinner and watched skate videos on-stream, then played Session. A guy I didn't recognize came in. He said he found me through another stream like a year and a half ago and really liked my art and wanted to support me.

He DM'd me and we chatted after. And I've been in full panic-mode since. Because this guy legitimately wants a tattoo design commission. And I'm over here like... bro, I haven't done a commission in like... 7 years? At least?

He tuned into my stream when I was drawing the owl that is my profile picture on here. I drew that on stream in colored pencil, it took me over 40 hours. He wanted that piece on the back of his shoulder.

I'm gonna level here. I don't know how to price my shit. I am absolutely lousy at it. I always have been. And I have always underpriced my shit, and the vast majority of my work has just been given away for free. Because I have really low self esteem and cave under pressure way too easily... and just get super anxious. It's overwhelming. And I just, the whole fucking process is horrible for me. I hate talking money. I don't even like talking about bills that I'm getting. Just money as a fucking concept is just really fucking uncomfortable for me. Obviously not a great problem to have in fucking America, yeah?

I scrambled and... tried to find a scan of the owl, so I could just... give him a scanned copy? And then charge less. I don't know, I have an idea how to charge for hand-drawn shit. Originals. Art. I can price things that are already done. But like... prints? Scans? I don't know. And this is a tattoo, it would be weird if someone bought the original piece and this guy has a tattoo of it. I don't know. It just all feels weird all around.

I've gotten really settled in to this place of just worrying about making things. Just keep creating, just keeping making new and interesting things. This whole sales piece is absolutely nerve-racking and immobilizing. And I feel like it immediately makes me look unprofessional.

So... I did the math on the piece... 40+ hours rounding down, at $25 an hour... that's $1000 as a base... Hand-drawn original, realism, full size. I priced it to him as $1500. I'd let the original go for that, I guess. I still have the original, it's sitting in my portfolio.

So I just told him that as a reference point, so he knew what he was getting into. And he came back with some corrections. Reduced size, black and white, less detail. He wanted 7"x5", a Barn Owl, B+W and I guess a bit stylized (i.e. less photorealistic detail). So... I quoted him $350. And he came back with $300. On the premise that he's going to have to pay the tattooist 300-350 as well, plus a tip.

Quick tangent here. Really think this one over. Who do you pay more? The original artist of your tattoo, or the person tracing their work into your skin? I mean... you don't want the tattooist to fuck it up, sure... But like... are you saying the act of tattooing someone else's work is worth more than the act of creating the art in the first place? And... you don't have to tip me? I hadn't really thought about it much before, it's a weird thing. Especially since I've designed several tattoos for former friends, and they went to an artist who fucked up my work. In the end, the buyer was the one who got fucked, but yeah. It just kinda sucks.

Anyway. I'm afraid I might've lowballed myself there. And then he brought me even lower. And now I'm just like... well... it better be right. Because now we're agreed. And now I have to do a commission.

It's not the end of the world, I'm just freaking out. I don't want to fuck it up. I don't know what medium to use, I don't know whether to do digital or pencil. If I do pencil, how do I get it to him? Do I mail it? How do I process payments? PayPal? I guess? Do I keep records of this shit?

I feel way out of my depth. And I feel like I have to act like I know what I'm doing. Which I tried to do, I think it worked well enough. I just feel like I'm going to fuck this up. And the hardest part? I don't have anyone to talk to about it. At all. No one to run prices by for second thoughts, no one to help me research stuff, no one to reassure or ground me. I'm just swimming in the anxiety and self-doubt and depression, barely keeping my head above water.

I hate this. I should be excited. I should be happy. And it's one fucking commission. This will cover like... two orders of groceries. And will likely take me a full week of work.

I don't like this way of working. I like coming up with my own ideas and putting the pieces together. I don't like trying to guess what someone else is picturing, and trying to get close.

This is all very foreign. Very weird.

The weirdest part? In an alternate timeline, this is what I would've been doing full-time for 10 years now. Plus the actual tattooing too. Getting out of college, my first idea was to start a company that I tentatively named "Evo Customs" which was a design company that would put customized art on anything. Skateboard, helmet, shirt, computer tower, you name it. Then I transitioned into pursuing tattooing. I was heavily encouraged by my friend, and we spoke to my then tattooist about it. She was a one-woman operation working out of a pretty small town. She pointed me in the direction of the program that she went to, and offered for me to finish up my skin-time hours with her, and she'd sign off on an apprenticeship and I'd be good to go either work with her or open up my own shop. Welp... I went and did the program, and I came back, and I went to her... and she said "what are you talking about?" And then she hired some teenager to work her register and apprentice under her instead. And I was absolutely crushed, devastated.

All of my tattoo designs - the one I did for my friend's ex-wife (for free), the one I did for my former best friend (for free), the one I did for my former best friend's husband (for free). Even four of my own tattoos which were all self-designed, she inked them all. And she just walked the other way and acted like it never happened.

I was never able to find another artist who would take me on. I just transitioned into tattoo design instead. I had all my tattoo equipment in boxes for years. Inks, cups, ointments, bands, needles, my machines, stencils, all of it. Last year, I threw it all away. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I felt like I just gave the fuck up. But, I think I gave up long before that. And this was just... cleaning house. Stopping myself from clinging.

When I went to vocational rehabilitation in winter 2019, right before the pandemic hit, I mentioned my past aspirations of being a tattooist to the person who was working with me. They urged me to go to a shop about 40 minutes south of me. They had a connection there. I really struggle to just... interact with strangers in a professional setting. Which is pretty clear right here tonight, I get super insecure and super anxious. I act confident, I'm sure it doesn't read as though I'm anxious, but I'm fucking losing it inside. So... it's really hard for me to do. I can't really explain it, it just is and no matter how much I try to puff out my chest and "be a man" and just ignore it or whatever, it just tears me apart. So, because of that, I really just needed a professional connection. And this was supposed to be it. This was the first one I had gotten, an in. Someone to vouch for me.

They set up an appointment with me in the middle of winter at fucking like 8 AM. So I get there early, and I'm sitting in the parking lot for like 20 minutes freezing my balls off drinking coffee. Then I go inside and they have me sit in the waiting room. And I flip through their art books and they had some pretty cool shit, but I was just trying not to completely freak out. And then the guy brings me back and I introduce myself and then pull out my phone and start showing him some pictures and he just has no fucking idea what's going on. At all. He was just like "okay, so which of these pieces did you want done?" He scheduled the fucking meeting and he thought I was there for a tattoo, not a fucking job interview. I don't know if the fucking state agency that set that up dropped the ball or if it was that guy... but I got a nice talk from this dude on how he trusted someone to be an apprentice once and he "learned that fucking lesson" because the guy went and set up his own shop... like an hour away... in a different county... and he saw it as "competing with him". And he didn't want to "train his competition". In fact, his entire shop was... him, his wife, his daughter and her boyfriend or fiancée. And that was it. So... I went there for fucking nothing. And that whimper was the death of my tattoo career ambitions. I completely tapped out after that. And last year, when I had to move and sort through all my shit? I finally tossed my tattoo gear. All of it. For good. The only thing that survived was my Kuro Sumi outlining ink, which I used for the goat skull and staining the wooden beads on my necklace. That's why it's such a powerfully symbolic medium for me, because of how much gravity in my personal life is attached to it.

Can you tell this commission is making me flash back to some really devastating memories? I'm trembling a bit and my chest is a bit tight.

It really hurt to lose that purpose, that direction. Even more so that... I just sorta let this social anxiety barrier stop me from approaching other shops. I fucking hate this emotional brick wall that stops me from going. I hate it so much. Like seriously, if one friend went with me? To a local tattoo shop, or something. I would gladly go. But alone, I am way too timid, way too passive, too chill, too back-seat. My interest in working at their shop wouldn't even come up in conversation unless they brought it up. I'd have to like... become a regular. The awkwardness of it just makes my skin crawl.

And what upsets me the most is that some people love doing that. And they won't help me. It's so aggravating. Like... this is clearly one of my greatest weaknesses that has completely crippled my ability to establish myself as a professional artist, and it clearly stems from mental health stuff... and I can't get a single living organism to help me do it. I just need to... wait... and slowly chip away at my mental health barriers... until I can do it myself. It might take a year, it might take 10 years, however long it takes to gradually get to the point where I can comfortably interact like a human. And meanwhile, I'm surrounded by others who can easily, intuitively do this. And could easily help me out, and vouch for me in the process. But they don't. Because "I should be doing it for myself".

Can you tell I'm a bit upset about this? XD

There's nothing more frustrating to me than having a small nuanced problem... that's hard to articulate to others, that they don't seem to really understand because they don't share that problem. For instance - having a trauma response associated with going grocery shopping pre-food-delivery-apps. People who don't suffer from this have no fucking idea how massive of a difference just going along with that person to the store can be. And it costs like... nothing. But I've always heard shit like "can't you just do that yourself" "why do I need to do that for you?" Shit like that. Like I'm just fucking lazy. Not like it takes me 45 minutes to pep talk myself into going out there, then I'm wading through a lava river of emotional overwhelm and every bell in my head that says "your life is in danger and we don't even know what from" is clanging. And I'm alone through it. And I have to fake a fucking cheery conversation with the fucking checkout lady.

Since those days (that was probably... close to 10 years ago when I had that grocery store problem, I've gotten much better with it over the past several years) I have developed experience and a "script" for those kinds of interactions. I learned. It took me a long time, lots of practice, lots of exposure, but I got there. This one? The work one? Negative. I have very little experience, and all of it has been bad. And honestly...

I'm just getting really sick and tired of having to be good at everything and do everything myself.

I had this butting of heads with my therapist before. "What's the point of a social network if I'm going to have to do all this myself anyway?" Like... all I've looked for in life is a wingman, someone to vouch and make introductions, to help in literally any way. So I don't have to go around and method act being a fucking extrovert. I have been in extreme isolation for over 4 years. I am not good at pretending to be an extrovert. I should not be expected to be good at extroverted behaviors, I have no idea why anyone would expect me, of all people, to be in any way good at that. It should be expected that those encounters would be extremely overwhelming for me.

Who the fuck am I ranting at? XD I don't even know anymore. I'm just sorta shaking my fist at the sky pissed off that I don't have anyone to like... brainstorm this stuff with. Run price quotes by, shit like that. I don't know.

And I guess I'm just kinda upset because... I don't really want to do commissions. I kinda just want people to be supporting what I'm doing now. I worked pretty hard to develop the rhythm I have now, where I cultivate a mindset for creativity to form, then seize it when inspiration strikes and... I'm trying to incorporate streaming into the process. I finally, like... a year ago?... took the plunge and dedicated myself towards Fine Art. My intentions being... work that is displayed publicly. Private ownership feels... secondary, optional. I decided to move more towards trying to get stuff in galleries. Again... with some pieces.

Okay, you know what? Maybe I'm freaking out because I don't know. I don't know what I do. And I'm kinda having an existential crisis because of it. Over winter, I polished stones and made jewelry, and made a custom painted hoodie. Spring, I did The Path (a fine art video/digital art piece), the goat skull and about 10 abstract ink pieces. Now, I'm working on a mini Zen Garden and my Fractal digital abstract piece which will probably eventually be an ink and cloth tapestry.

Everything I have done, I'd have to brainstorm pricing individually. I have given it zero thought. The necklace and the mala I could come up with a decent price for, I guess. The hoodie, too, or a custom piece like it. Even the skull, or my abstract drawings. But I literally haven't even given it thought. I don't want to care about that. I wish all I had to do was just worry about the process. For the past decade, that's all I've known. And this is all very foreign and bewildering. I don't want to "screw it up".

So yeah. I went with 300, took the 50 under asking price. Don't really know why. I just did. And he sent me some reference. And I'll just figure that out tomorrow. The pose, the size, the medium, how to pay, all that. I'll just wake up after my night of what I'm sure will inevitably be night terrors at this point... XD Put on a pot of coffee and just... figure out what I'm doing.

I was saying today on stream - I want to get back into representational work. I want to do a piece that is of something. And I was considering doing the Blue Jay that visits me. I wish I could break through these intense overwhelming emotions and see the good in this.

This is such high praise. A person who has barely spent any time around my work... wants to pay me $300 because he fell in love with my work a year and a half ago and wants to get it tattooed on his body permanently. I think I'm in shock. And denial, a bit. I think my self esteem is so devastatingly low that... I don't fully believe it's happening? And I'm adding a shit-ton of pressure to make sure... I "get it right".

I'm scared. I'm scared I'm gonna fuck it up. The piece itself, or already fucked up by underpricing myself. I was going to ask for half up-front and then half when I finish. I think that's fair. Just so neither of us flake out on it. Once I get the details ironed out on exactly what he wants, but before pencil touching paper.

God, I hate business. Ugh. I just want to draw and create and make cool, interesting shit. And have people donate or something. Idk. I'm just not enjoying myself right now.

That said, I got my package today. Sheets that actually fit my "new" mattress, the sieves and a suncatcher that's like a multifaceted prism that catches sunlight and refracts rainbows around the room. I'm excited to see that in action now that the smoke has cleared a bit.

Man, I almost got away from the topic of freaking out. XD I'm scared of disappointing this guy. I'm scared of fucking up the drawing, or taking too long or something. I'm sure I won't... I'm just... I'm very anxious. So... to remedy this... I'll just not stream that piece. And apologize to him about that, but... yeah, fuck it, I can just say I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately and I feel like I'd do better work behind closed doors. I'm sure he'll understand. It's usually just the sketching phase that I feel like that with. When it's just starting to take form. Once I've got that down, I'd be fine with streaming the piece taking shape.

Anyway, enough of that. I need to wrap up. Besides this giant turn of events, my upstairs neighbors were being loud as shit. The boyfriend was back over again last night, they were really loud, then there was an actual child visiting and running all over the apartment, and they were talking really loud. All evening. Until like 10. And that's just what it is. I was cranky about it. I wish I could be happier for other people. Maybe that's why I crave the late late hours. It's so quiet, so peaceful, so still.

I also shaved my head and my beard today. Buzzed, gone. Fuck it. The only reason I grew it out was because the doctor told me the clippers were giving me micro-abrasions and those were getting infected, but... we ruled that out. And he has no idea what this is. So I decided to just go back to shaving my head. It makes me a bit more insecure to have these big fucking weird pimple-like swollen red spots on my head, and have them super visible because my head is shaved... but what the fuck am I supposed to do? I can't even get in to see a doctor about it, no one knows what this is. I did an antibiotic regimen, it did nothing. I do steroid cream, it makes them fade quicker, but they just come right back in different spots. I'm just waiting on a specialist. So, I might as well be comfortable in the process. And the cream is easier to put on when my head is shaved, so... there's that. Going on 2 years of dealing with this shit, I'm gonna be so much less anxious once these things are gone.

Okay, I'm going to do tarot and go to bed, it's super late.

Past - Two of Wands, inverted (Planning, scrutiny, taking risks and moving a plan forward.  The active force needed to put a plan into motion.) Present - Four of Wands (Stability, a sense of completion.  A major milestone, taking a moment to reflect on accomplishment so far, before moving to a new future.) Future - Three of Cups (Celebration, calling in good fortune, joy.  Social gathering, a heartfelt belonging in a community.)

Alright, we're starting with inverted Two of Wands. I actually pulled some cards when I was setting up my webcam earlier today and Two of Wands came up. That was my first reaction. It was inverted then too. Two of Wands is planning, surveying the landscape. Inversion representing a blockage, barrier or dissonance around this symbol. Difficulty or struggle planning or seeing ahead. Hmm...

This is connected to Four of Wands in the Present position. And it made me smile. Four of Wands is a milestone, a memorable event and the ensuing celebration. The image this artist provides is a birthday party. Fitting, that's what I should be doing now...

And this concludes with Three of Cups. Upright, for once. Fucking rare in my readings! (At least it feels that way, definitely rare in my life...) Three of Cups is the "party card", it's a celebration shared with loved ones. It's the card I immediately thought of when I saw Four of Wands, because I was like "I could call this the 'celebration card', but I already have the 'party card'."

Okay, with the definitions all added in... let's stitch it all together. So... I've been struggling to take risks and move shit forward... but I've landed here. Somehow. And this is actually a milestone. A pretty big one. And this will lead to a celebration, one shared with others.

I'm going to add this on while I'm here. When that guy came into my chat, complimenting me and being super friendly and nice? I thought he was fucking with me. I thought he was full of shit, or like... scheming something. He mentioned a streamer's name "buddha" who I... I have like... never been in their room. It was there like... maybe once or twice? Years ago. And this guy said he knew me from that chat... and came to see my art... and fell in love... and a year and a half later he wants to commission me to get my art. When I have like zero fucking viewers. It was really hard to believe. I felt like I was getting conned or scammed, like he was setting me up for something. I feel bad that I was a bit harsh and skeptical of him. Just getting that out there.

The bonus placeholder card was inverted Two of Cups, a new one. That one is a strong connection forming, but... with the disruption of inversion. So... that's a thing.

I'm fucking wiped. Physically, emotionally. Super drained. Heavy workout, giant anxiety/depression/trauma episodes for two hours straight. I'm just bushed. I'm gonna go pass out, hopefully sleep decent and figure all of this out tomorrow over coffee.

[system-of-a-feather]

(Disclaimer: this might not be the most well worded, Im writing this in a car with a fiance bugging me while driving 2 hrs for a post op I apologize if anything is unclear or poorly written as I struggle with processing language in two different manners at once #autistic)

I'm jumping in a bit here because this topic is one that I care about and honestly both of you blogs are one's I appreciate. That said, I think it is worth asking why it is that it is okay to assign a specific type of abuse to a term frequently used with one disorder, but not to others.

@korya-elana Poses a good point regarding higher support needs autistic people being diagnostically prone to meltdown that can be extremely violent and abusive to the people around them. Almost all of my dad's abuse is almost explicitly due to his higher support needs autism and PTSD - that said, he physically abused me and emotionall abused me. He did not do autistic abuse or traumatic abuse. Of course, as a victim of abuse that was informed by the context of autism, I can find other survivors and explainations and understandings that could help me by looking into other people that were abused / traumatized by an autistic individual; but even then, we dont call it Autistic Abuse. I dont think we should either

But why is it that Narcissistic Abuse is "fair and valid" specific type of abuse whereas Autistic Abuse is not? I guess you could say intent - autistic people can't help it, narcissistic people can, but is that really true? In your own commentary, "narcissistic people can be abusive if they ARENT CAREFUL" - people with NPD are not usually intentionally trying to abuse people - its something that tends to happen due to a lack of self awareness, access to support and aid, and resources for recovery. People with NPD are more likely to abuse people when they are not being treated and given the care to cope properly; that is also the same with autism.

Hell, it is the same with DID and really any disorder. If you are experiencing severe mental illness and are not getting help, you are more likely to harm someone intentionally or not.

With that in mind, why is it that narcissism specifically a disorder that gets it's own special label of abuse?

Additionally, the other issue comes into place when we talk about how "people with NPD need to be careful otherwise theyll become abusers" deeply inforces the idea that once someone is diagnosed with NPD that rather than focusing on healing and recovering from a disorder based in trauma, that they should instead be focusing on how they are on the "brink of becoming evil abusers".

I have friends who have NPD and BPD, both disorders that get this treatment, and the narrative that they are inherently prone to becoming evil abusers sets them up with a lot of shame and poor self image - something that is notable dysfunctional part of the disorder - and negative self fulfilling prophecy. And one mught say that "they should have that shame and poor self image" but do you know them? Do you know if theyve done anything worth being ashamed and being perceived "on thin ice" as an abuser?

People with NPD, BPD, ASPD, and HPD (Cluster B) are largely childhood trauma survivors that have maladaptive coping mechanisms and attachment styles due to how they grew up and while I do disagree with the "theyre innocent uwu pure bean" reactionary response to "narcissistic abuse" cause I agree. People with NPD can become abusive if they arent careful. But so can people with psychosis, autism, DID, etc. It's the unfortunate part of being mentally ill.

The specific pointing out of narcissistic abuse apart from emotional abuse is harmful and ableist because it perpetuates an insanely harmful and damaging stigma on people who have NPD who are largely survivors of childhood abuse.

A lot of practitioners, even those that work with traumatized clientel, refuse to work with individuals with Cluster B disorders due to the stigma they have and a number of them comment on it being "untreatable" - something Ive been on the supportive listening ears of people who were feeling defeat about how they were considering to "kill themselves because they were inherently a broken monster" and the difficulties they had about finding people who would actually help them without assuming the worst of them inherently

I think everyone who calls the term "narcissistic abuse" ableist should be forced to explain how the hell narcissism disables a person, and what disability even means. This is the vector through which we should interrogate these people and their beliefs. In what world is someone disabled for how they abuse a human being? How does being evil make someone disabled, especially when this word describes the most successful and powerful people in our society? We need to challenge the idea that these people belong to a protected class, it is the fundamental building block of their abuse apologia. Narcissists are not materially disadvantaged, nor are they socially disadvantaged. Narcissists' ability to charm other people through manipulation is a notable aspect of the abuse.

It is also worth saying that you could prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that these people are neurologically different from other people and it wouldn't actually mean anything, unless it could be proven that real, actual discrimination against narcissists exists in society.

[ask-huskerdust]

A: ...