#he's currently in the process of traumatizing Link for the first of many times | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

merp0515 · 26 days ago

Text

Healing Past Scars Chapter 4 Coffee Shop Of Horrors

Summary: After the dealing with so many traumatic incidents, our beloved meme guardain boys have to come into terms with both past and present scars. Will they be able to conquer them with an iron fist or will those same wounds destroy them both?

Tags: Suicidal Thoughts,PTSD, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Healing , Developing Relationship

Link to chapter 3’s Tumblr version is here, Ao3 link is here, and Wattpad link is here

TW: The following story contains dark themes such as PTSD, and disturbing imagery.

If there was one thing Three had wished for, it would have been over 1,000 cups of coffee to keep him awake.

The tired male sighs as he was getting everything ready to open up his coffee shop for the day. Last night definitely wasn't exactly the best sleep he's gotten and after waking up from that nightmare, he wasn't able to go back to sleep. Eggdog was at one of the tables, helping his Dad get the shop ready but at the same time keeping a close eye on him in case he had a similar freak out from last night.

SMG3 was getting all the coffee beans out, ready to be used for the day. The small whiff of the grounds helped him relax a little. He closed his eyes for a moment to smell the fresh coffee beans he was going to use very soon. The bell to 3’s Coffee N' Bombs rang, making the guardian open his red eyes and see who appeared so early in the morning.

If Three could laugh at the person that just walked in he would one hundred percent. Especially by how tired they looked and definitely was about to pass out on his cafe floor.

“So I take it that the storm also had you go through a sleepless night?” He asked tiredly, not even bothering to try to tease the other male that sat on his counter and put his down exhausted as fuck.

“Says the one who hasn't realized he spilled his own coffee beans on himself.” His guardian companion and friend SMG4 mumbled under his breath.

The tired purple goth looks back at his opened coffee bag already half empty with most of the beans already on the floor. Three cursed under his breath as he put the bag on the counter where Four sat. He turns around and heads to the back to grab a broom, grumbling angrily as to how he's already done with the day and wants to go knock out on his bed again.

SMG4’s half lidded eyes observed his meme guardian partner from a far. A yawn escaped his lips as he raised his upper half from the counter to rub his blue eyes from exhaustion. He sits up a bit, stretching his upper body a bit to help wake himself up a bit and have that energy boost he's been needing since he got here.

SMG3 lazed his way to the backroom, getting the broom to clean up the mess he accidentally made earlier. A sigh escapes the man's lips as he grabs the cleaning item he needed to get it done and over it. His mind pondered back to the nightmare he had the night before. He groaned, annoyed wondering where the hell did that kind of vision even come from and how on earth did it even happen in the first place. He looks to a corner of the backroom and leaves the broom he previously grabbed and sets it at the corner so it doesn't fall. Three leans back at the wall, letting himself slide down to the floor. His red eyes drained from the lack of sleep. He closes his eyes for a moment wanting to take a mini nap before his work at the coffee shop begins.

Just a little nap couldn't hurt. That scrub will be fine with staying on the main floor alone for a bit without me, he thought to himself as he slowly drifted to sleep. The purple guardian hopes that with the nap he's getting, it'll be enough to help him regain his energy and go on with his day.

A soft windy breeze echoes around the male who is currently laying down in the field of grass at the Internet Graveyard. He sits up and stretches his arms, feeling refreshed from his nap in the outdoors. Three looks up to the clear sky blankly, his mind not fully processing what was going on. All of a sudden, his son with a cute little top hat appears from the wild to greet his Dad. He bounced on his lap and clicked happily, gaining the attention of the graveyard lord.

Three looks down to see his first child. A mixture of shock and confusion spreads across his face as he gently touches its face.

“Terrance?”he began, “My boy where have you been?” He asks the little creature staring at him blankly briefly before responding in its language. “You've been at home? As in back at the coffee shop?” The ex villain asks once more earning a single click. The little Uganda knuckles gets off his lap and tries to direct him to where the meme once appeared.

The purple lad gets up from where he was once resting to see where his top hat son will lead him at. Once Terrance saw his father get up, the meme led the way to their old home. The ruby eyed male made sure to be up to speed with his child as he found it strange that he was walking a little quicker than usual.

As he was distracted on catching up to his deceased son, the air around him started to become colder, clouds started to form together as if it wanted to rain. Three senses something wrong in the air the minute he was seeing the sky get darker than usual.

Terrance clicks with glee as he charges full speed towards the thing that was waiting for them at the coffee shop. SMG3 gasps and he runs behind the speedy meme to stop him from accidentally hurting another being there. Out of breath Three managed to catch up to the little derpy knuckles and saw a familiar egg shaped meme. It was his other son, Eggdog. The little egg shaped dog looked at them both and barked happily at them. Terrance happily clicks to his dad signaling that his other brother was here waiting for the two of them.

“Eggdog! I'm so glad your her-”

Thunder roars loudly causing all three of them to jump in fear from the sudden noise. Eggdog whimpers, fearing the loud thunder and runs to his father to seek comfort. The Uganda knuckles followed his brother as well, startled by the noise as well. Three hugs both boys close comforting them so they don't feel scared anymore. Rain started to pour down rapidly as Three and his children were getting wet.

“Let's go inside. I don't want you two or myself getting sick from this weather.” SMG3 said as he walked to the front door of his old home and opened it carefully. Once inside, both meme children hopped away from Three and entered deep into the dark coffee shop.

“Terrance! Eggdog! Wait, I need to turn the lights on first! Don't run in the dark!” He shouted concern for his children as he followed the boys further into the dark building.

The further he was walking into the void, the more his anxiety was building up. The ex villain cursed under his breath as he was walking into the sea of nothingness. All he wants is to make sure BOTH of his children are safe from harm.

Clicks and barking are heard in the distance, Three takes the chance to run as fast as his legs could carry him to the sound of their voices. He didn't care that his legs were on fire and his breath was starting to sting his lungs, all he wanted was to see his kids. Small dots of red and white were spotted and the goth lad couldn't be anymore happier to have found them.The dark void slowly turned into the current home he was living in. Colors of dark blue and yellow illuminated his new home. Three looked around aimlessly as he was trying to stop himself from having a panic attack from pure worry.

He looks down, finally seeing his beloved boys. Both children had their backs turned on him which confused the meme guardian. Three reaches out to both sons in hopes of them noticing his presence. A gasp of horror was heard once both children turned around to face Three at the same time.

What once was the happy go lucky Eggdog turned into an egg shaped eldritch goope that he had fought with his friends back at Peach's castle. Eyes forming all around the little creature terrified the purple guardian. As for what was once Terrance, the Uganda knuckles had turned its own creepy eldritch version, with one eye with a big zero covering almost his entire face. The older meme child was a bit bigger than Eggdog's form as the red meme only had half of its body, its ribcage and a bit of its left arm showing his bones while the right arm had SMG0’s arm.

Three looked at the duo terrified. Ruby red eyes filled with fear and sadness seeing the horrified forms of both of his meme children. He backed away slowly, trying to get away from the nightmare in front of him. Little did the guardian know, that something was already awaiting him as he ran towards the front of the cafe.

Something had taken ahold of SMG3 and dragged him back towards the backroom of his cafe. Three tried with all his might to get away from the thing that grabbed him. It was surprisingly strong yet it wasn't doing any harm to him.

“LET ME GO! LET ME GO! LET ME GO!” SMG3 shouted loudly as he felt his entire body shaking from fear. He didn't dare to open his eyes until he felt something hugs him tightly.

A gentle, yet strong warm embrace of something trying to bring him comfort. Three stopped resisting and gasped for air. He looked around his surroundings and saw that he was back at the corner where he was resting earlier. He looked at the corner of his eyes to his worried son and his pal beeg SMG4 staring at him concerned.

“Thank the memes you're awake! Your shouts startled us all and we went to check in on you to see if you were alright!” a familiar concerned voice spoke to Three. He looked at the source of the voice and it was none other than his meme guardian companion. His ocean eyes staring into his very soul. Three sighed in relief seeing the other male and smiled softly to him. Four smiled back, more awake than what he was earlier.

The two were like this for a while until Four’s alarm rang from his phone. Both snapped out of the trance they had and composed themselves.

“Damn it Three, don't scare us like that again!” Four stated, upset about the whole thing.

“Shut up Baka! I should be the one telling you that!” Three retaliated, a slight shade of pink forming on his checks. A bark from eggdog caught the attention of the two guardians. Three was shocked at eggdog’s comment.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I NEED REST?! I'm fine enough to function and work at my shop today!” SMG3 glares at his son. Eggdog growls in response knowing that his Dad is in dire need of rest. A little “ugh” from beeg SMG4 was heard. SMG4 crossed his arms, rolling his eyes.

“Beeg we've been over this. I'm already used to being up late at night working on my videos. I'll be alright. If it helps, I can help cover for SMG3 so he can get some rest.” SMG4 suggested earning a groan from SMG3.

“Oh no! You are NOT working at my cafe today! You were just as bad as I was earlier and almost looked like you were about to pass out on my floor!” Three exclaimed. Four glared at Three pouting at his response.

“As if you are any better! I can still smell the spilled coffee beans you left on the floor!” Four shot back, annoyed by Three's stubbornness.

“Listen here D tier scrub, I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself and my business so just go back to circus tent and go the fuck to sleep.”

“Fuck you Snitchy, I am not going anywhere! You need help running your shop! You literally look like shit! Did you even shower recently?!”

“Why the fuck do I need to answer that?! When the hell was the last time you actually drank water and ate something properly?! Have you actually touched grass aside from coming here every damn morning?!”

A loud siren alarm was heard, stopping both guardians from their tracks. A big hand grabbed the duo and dragged them down to Three's evil lair. Both males where struggling to break free from hand’s grasp.

Ding!

Both stopped trying to break free upon hearing the ding and were thrown to SMG3’s bed. Beeg SMG4 appears from the shadows with angry brows. Seconds later another ding of the elevator was heard and eggdog made his entrance not long after. Both meme parents glared at the duo before them. Eggdog was the first to break the silence. Three's eyes widened at his son's words and sighs sadly. Four looks at his sad friend. His once annoyed expression turned into a more concerned one. He turns back to his own kid. His short little “ugh!” was more than enough for him to give in and smiled at his son sadly.

“Alright you two. You guys win. We'll take a break from work today and try to catch up on sleep.” SMG4 gently spoke to the memechildren. Both boys made noises of glee, finally convincing their parents to rest. Three looks at Four, seeing the bags from his eyes really had him questioning how Four really has been doing as of recent. He flops down at his pillow, staring at the ceiling lost in thought. Eggdog and Beeg both jump to the bed to join the guardian duo to make sure they actually rest and bring them both comfort.

Both males smiled at their children. All they wanted was to give them some comfort and have them relax considering how stressful both must have appeared. Four flops to the other pillow and turns to face his son. He hugs the little guy close, feeling himself relax as he holds onto him. Eggdog snuggled closely to Three, the egg shaped dog wanted to make sure that his Dad knew he had someone here for him and loves him a lot. He could feel his Dad's stache tickle his fur earning a happy soft bark from the good noodle.

I'm so sorry for worrying you so much little one. I promise I'll do better for your sake. Both males internally spoke in their minds to their respective children as they slowly drifted to sleep once more in hopes of a better dream.

#smg4 #smg3 #smg34 #smg34fanart #smg4 fanart #smg3 fanart #smg4 fanfic #Healing Past Scars #merp #Smg4 fanfiction #tw dark themes #tw disturbing imagery #smg34 fanfiction #smg43

16 notes · View notes

sukumen · 3 years ago

Note

I'm BACK for more. Ok ok, so now I gotta ask you what changes during the reader's pregnancy, being Sukuna's favorite. If he doesn't treat her particularly different, then do the other women? What's the birth like? Is it traumatic, given it's a half-curse? Are there many spectators, or is it a private affair?

WELCOME BACK LEGEND! so, i have a headcanon here that talks about reader being pregnant, but with a focus on sukuna's treatment of her. so let's dive into your other questions :)

in my mind, the other women don't treat reader that differently, but that's because the other women aren't really around reader to be able to treat her one way or another. the headcanon i linked calls it out, but reader is effectively taken to live with sukuna after the events of reverence and is tended to by his main attendants, not the other women. so, while they certainly have opinions about the special treatment she's gotten, they don't really have the opportunity to act on it.

on top of that, there's a current of fear re: reader once sukuna's taken a liking to her. it's likely the first time he's shown any sort of attachment to one of the women and he 100% acts on it. in the headcanon linked, he even kills someone for wasting his time and not telling him immediately that she's pregnant. soooo, even the women who feel jealousy or disdain towards reader would never act on it because of the risk.

but now the pregnancy itself! eep! i love these questions. i definitely think it's a traumatic one - i honestly don't see many of the women sukuna gets pregnant even making it to birth because of the strain of a cursed child. reader is likely cared for obsessively to avoid anything happening, but at the end of the day, the child is half-curse and birth is traumatic as it is, so it absolutely takes its toll.

one idea i had was that the baby, being half curse, can still feed on cursed energy in the womb (esp their mother's), which makes them grow bigger and stronger. so, one potential risk could be the pure size of the baby during birth. this is especially true for reader who doesn't have much cursed energy, but spends so much time around sukuna, her children are FEASTING.

as far as the process goes, i see it having some ritualistic aspects with some spectators, but nothing more than what's necessary. sukuna probably isn't in the room, but is waiting nearby for updates while a couple of attendants who have the knowledge to help with birth look after reader - probably even someone with shouko's type of technique where they can treat people using their cursed energy!

#reverence tag.#asks.#sukuna x reader #jjk x reader

158 notes · View notes

littlemisspascal · 4 years ago

Text

Death and an Angel part 13

Death!Din x Cupid F!Reader

Summary: Ahsoka takes Din on a journey through the past.

“You should know though, you might not like what you see.”

Din shakes his head, dismissing the warning. “What’s one more nightmare?”

Rating: T

Word Count: 5,958

Warnings: angst, swearing, character death (canonical, but with my own twist), made up planet name that is ridiculous, dialogue heavy, plot plot plot, backstory

Author Note: Good lord this is soooo late coming out. To anyone who sent me an encouraging message I am beyond grateful because I really needed the encouragement to finish this segment. I hope more than anything this segment gives more answers than it raises questions (although reading your theories is both awesome and entertaining so keep them coming too!)

Links to Part 1 and Part 12 and Part 14

Cross-posted on AO3.

Photo Inspiration:

“Who the fuck is Moff Gideon?”

Ahsoka looks at Din, her brow furrowed deeply. He’s seen the expression on her face enough times to recognize its meaning: this is the face she makes when she is about to reveal a message directly from the universe itself. As an Oracle, she is the only immortal who can glimpse details of the past, present, and future. She has a soft spot for mortals, sharing the few precious snippets the universe allows her to with them in the forms of riddles and vague prophecies that never fail to give Din a migraine with their crypticness when he hears them.

“Moff Gideon is a Seraph who grew discontent with his position amongst immortals,” she says at last.

“Is he the one responsible for keeping my soulmate from me?” he asks, voice as harsh and unforgiving as the environment surrounding them.

“He is responsible for many sins.”

“I don’t have time for your vague answers,” he growls, hands twisting into fists. “You tell me not to kill this Seraph, then in the next breath claim he’s a threat. I am not a mortal who will be entertained by riddles, Ahsoka. You summoned me here to talk, so start talking. Tell me what you know.”

The Oracle’s mouth purses into a thin line. Nearly a full minute passes before she speaks again. When she does, the calmness is no longer natural, but forced. “Telling you what I know would be impossible.”

“Ahsoka—”

“But,” she pitches her voice higher than his protest while narrowing her eyes disapprovingly, “I am capable of showing you. You should know though, you might not like what you see.”

Din shakes his head, dismissing the warning. “What’s one more nightmare?”

She reaches forward, pressing her index and middle fingers to the center of his visor. If not for his helmet, she’d be touching the space directly between his eyes and instinct tells him the positioning isn’t random.

“We’ll start at the beginning,” she says, but her voice has changed from its usual cadence. It is ancient and youthful, a harsh scream and a hushed whisper all at once.

Din has only the slightest of seconds to process this in addition to the way her facial markings start to glow and her eyes flash white before he finds himself standing in the midst of a crisis.

There is mass hysteria every direction he turns. People screaming in terror, pushing each other and tripping over those who have fallen in their haste to flee an unseen threat; whole buildings are crumbling, sending flaming debris and shards of glass raining down upon the streets as smoke billows into the sky. The edges of his field of view are blurred, like he’s looking at everything through someone’s glasses, and it creates an ache behind his eyeballs. Fuck, is this what it’s like for Ahsoka when she experiences visions?

‘You remember the Fall of Mandalore, don’t you, Death?’ Ahsoka’s voice resonates from deep inside his brain, as if she’s fused her consciousness with his.

His jaw tightens when he says, “Of course.”

‘Oh, look. There you are.’

Sure enough, when Din looks forward he sees himself moving swiftly through the crowd, unaffected by the chaos as he stoops to reap the soul of a woman who’s had her skull caved in by the stampede of frantic civilians. He wonders how many others can say they’ve had an out-of-body-experience such as what he’s dealing with right now: reliving a traumatic event all over again while observing himself the same way a stranger would from a distance.

“Why are you showing me this?”

‘Because it’s important,’ Ahsoka answers, and the image of her frowning face enters his mind unbiddenly. ‘The universe has a plethora of endings imagined for every civilization, but it is the individual choices of the community that act as stepping stones bringing them closer to a specific fate.’

“Mandalore was always meant to fall apart. It was just a matter of how, not when,” he surmises, voice devoid of emotion. His words are punctuated by another fiery blast from a nearby complex, followed by an ear-piercing wall of a terrified child.

‘Precisely. But the same cannot be said for an individual’s lifespan. There are consequences if someone perishes before their time has come. You should know that better than anyone.’ There is a hint of accusation thinly veiled in her tone that has his body tensing reflexively.

His location shifts, shapes and colors mixing together without warning before another scene gradually comes into focus. It’s a large chamber with sparse furnishings, but its beauty is tarnished by the copious amounts of glass littering the room as every single one of the ornately designed windows have been shattered from the force of the explosions outside. Din knows before he even lays eyes on the throne he’s inside the royal palace because he first sees the familiar face of his most trusted reaper standing next to a blond-haired woman. Both women have such strikingly similar facial features nobody who sees them side by side can have any doubt they are related.

Whereas Bo-Katan dons gray-and-blue armor with a jetpack strapped to her back and two blaster pistols holstered at her sides, her sister, Satine, wears a garnet colored dress with a gold belt wrapped around her slender waist. In this moment, the sisters differ from each other as much as night and day; one a military leader, the other a pacifistic duchess.

“You need someone here to protect you. We don’t know who or what we’re dealing with and it isn’t safe for you to be alone,” Bo-Katan argues, crossing her arms over her chest as if to intimidate her sister into submitting.

“Our people are scared and defenseless, Bo. They need your protection during this crisis more than I currently do,” Satine says, voice soft but firm in a way only those deeply involved in politics can master.

Bo-Katan glances out the broken windows at the burning city, stubborn loyalty to protect her sister warring with her duty to protect her people. “Then at least send a message to Obi-Wan to come here.”

Satine shakes her head. “Bo—”

“I know things are strained between you two right now—”

“That’s a glaring understatement.”

“—but he’s one of our best and most loyal guards. He’s proven more than a dozen times he’ll fight anyone who’s a threat to you.”

“I don’t need the reminder of what he’s done for me.”

Bo-Katan places a hand on the blonde’s shoulder and squeezes it when she says, “He’s the only one other than myself I trust to protect you if you were to encounter danger.”

“Just because I’m committed to peace does not mean I am incapable of looking after myself.” Satine reaches behind herself to detach a weapon that had been clipped to the back of her belt. She clicks a button on its hilt, emitting a white blade shining brightly like a beacon amongst the dark clouds of smoke tainting the air.

Din’s breath catches in his throat. “Is that…?”

‘The Lightsaber of Mandalore,’ Ahsoka confirms. ‘Made by the Armorer herself.’

The Armorer is deeply respected by both mortals and immortals alike. As the goddess of metalworking and blacksmiths, there is nothing she cannot forge and infuse with grand powers. However, she is exceedingly cautious about choosing who is a recipient of her creations.

Din is one such recipient, having been given his armor of pure beskar when the Armorer realized how dangerous his touch was to mortals. He remains eternally grateful for the gift not only because it prohibits unwanted physical contact, but also because it is invulnerable to damage or rust like other types of armor. Ahsoka’s dual sabers were also made in the Armorer’s forge, specifically designed for the Oracle’s grip alone and meant to protect her during her journeys throughout the galaxy, but in contrast to the white blade of the Lightsaber, the blades of Ahsoka’s weapons matched the same blue coloring as the stripes on her lekku and montrals.

According to the legends Din’s heard, the Armorer created the Lightsaber for the first ruler of Mandalore because she was impressed with their culture and strong military, and it was passed on to each new heir to the throne over the centuries. When wielded in battle, the Lightsaber made the user invincible against enemy attacks as it siphoned off energy from the souls of those it sliced through.

Throughout the long history of Mandalore, Satine was distinguished as the only ruler to avoid warfare as she sincerely believed negotiations and treaties could solve any problem quicker than bloodshed.

As such, Din isn’t surprised when Bo-Katan raises a judgmental eyebrow. “Did you forget who you’re talking to? I know you wouldn’t use the Lightsaber even to cut a piece of fruit.”

Satine sighs through her nose, sheathing the weapon once more. “Fine. I’ll contact Obi the second you’re gone.”

“You better.” Bo-Katan leans forward, pressing her forehead against her sister’s. A gesture of affection within their culture. “I’ll see you soon.”

And then she’s gone, flying out the nearby window and diving straight into the fray. As a mortal and as a reaper, the redhead is fearless in the face of danger. Some might consider the behavior reckless, but Din’s always been impressed by her dogged tenacity to achieve victory no matter the difficulty of her mission.

Din looks back at Satine. Now that she is alone in the room, she is able to freely express her distress at the unfolding situation, looking as if she’s aged ten years within the blink of an eye. She fiddles with the comlink around her wrist, seeming hesitant to call this Obi-Wan fellow like she agreed to.

‘They haven’t realized it, but they’re soulmates, ’ Ahsoka murmurs, low and melancholic. Hearing it makes Din’s chest constrict with unease. ‘They fought recently and parted ways upset with each other. Unfortunately, she dies before they can resolve their miscommunication.’

The next sequence of events play out startlingly quick, as if Ahsoka has chosen to suddenly jump forward in time. His eyes struggle to absorb the fleeting details—the doors to the throne room being blown open; a Seraph in black armor emerging from the smoke; his voice is unique, velvety and thorny at the same time, as he addresses the duchess by her full name Satine Kryze; Satine attempting to stall as she subtly taps at her comlink, only for the tactic to fail as the foe teleports closer, eliminating the space between them.

“You have something I want,” he tells her, seizing hold of her throat. “You may think you have some idea of what you have in your possession, but you do not.”

One of Satine’s hands claws at his face, attempting to gouge out his eyeballs with her nails, while the other reaches for the Lightsaber. Her fingertips brush against its metal hilt just as he throws her to the floor. The impact knocks the breath out of her lungs, eliciting a strangled gasp, and shards of glass dig into her exposed skin, dotting the pale flesh with beads of blood.

Gideon—Din doesn’t need Ahsoka’s input to know this, for who else could the Seraph be but him?—places the heel of his boot over Satine’s neck. He doesn’t apply pressure yet, but the action in itself has the duchess squirming with panic, hitting at his leg futilely. There is a red light on the comlink flashing insistently, indicating someone on the other end is speaking but they’ve been muted.

“Give me the asset I seek.”

Through clenched teeth, Satine wheezes, “It belongs to Mandalore.”

“I thought you might say that,” Gideon replies, feigning disappointment. “However, in case you haven’t noticed Duchess,” he gestures towards the windows, “Mandalore is dead. My accomplices have made sure of that.”

“You’re a coward for hiding behind others. You don’t deserve the Lightsaber.”

There is a sudden change in the atmosphere, air turning impossibly frigid and crisp.

“I deserve it more than anyone,” Gideon says, angry enough he is trembling. The Seraph’s stance shifts, and although Din has witnessed every type of brutal death imaginable, he flinches at the sound of Satine’s neck snapping beneath his heel.

Gideon rolls her lifeless body over and rips the Lightsaber off her belt, a satisfied smirk on his face. He disappears as quickly as he arrived, reward in hand, and an eerie silence envelops the room. It’s almost as if the palace itself is stunned by the loss of its ruler, struggling to make sense of the merciless act of violence.

Time skips forward again, showing a young bearded-man dressed in military armor clutching at Satine’s body, pressing his forehead against hers as he weeps. Over and over he keeps murmuring apologies for not being quicker, for failing to be there when she needed him, for never saying he loved her.

“How do you know Satine and Obi-Wan are soulmates if they never matched?” Din asks, feeling like he’s intruding on a private moment despite not actually being there.

He thinks of a similarly phrased question he’d asked his angel on their way to Sorgan what feels like entire lifetimes ago: how will I know it’s my soulmate? Her eloquent response remains embedded deep in his memory, safely stored away along with every other moment they’ve spent together. Longing twists like a knife in his side as he allows himself a second of weakness to look at the soulmate marking on his palm.

‘I saw the life they were going to share,’ Ahsoka tells him. ‘Satine Kryze was not meant to die here. She and Obi-Wan should have both survived the Fall of Mandalore, settling down happily with each other elsewhere in the galaxy. Gideon’s greed altered their destinies.’

The palace fades away to reveal a much older Obi-Wan, gray-haired and wrinkled. He’s in Mos Eisley; Din recognizes the crowded spaceport instantly having taken his ship there for repairs numerous times over the years.

‘The universe puts a lot of effort into making sure soulmates match with each other at a very precise moment. Even if the match is rejected, the individuals still had an important impact on each other’s lives. Timing is the most important factor for a soulmate pairing, and if it’s off then the universe will attempt to fix it.’

Obi-Wan stops to help a woman who’s accidentally dropped her shopping bag, contents spilling out onto the sandy ground. She thanks him as he offers her a polite smile, both of their attentions on each other’s faces and not their hands. More specifically: their marked hands. There is the barest brush of their fingertips as they reach for the same item before an invisible blast of energy erupts from their touch, splitting them apart and sending every person and thing surrounding them flying in all directions.

The shock on Obi-Wan’s face matches Din’s own beneath his helmet. He remembers his angel telling him after the failed match with Omera what happened on Sorgan wasn’t the first time an event like that occurred, but she hadn’t been privy to the details. Her superior had told her she wasn’t high enough ranking which Din had thought sounded like a load of bantha shit at the time.

“Ahsoka, what is the meaning of this?” Din asks the questions quietly, but there’s an audible coating of frustration that he knows she won’t miss. “Satine’s dead.”

‘You didn’t reap her soul,’ Ahsoka says. It’s said as a gentle reminder, but it nevertheless has Din feeling like the ground has disappeared beneath his feet as realization dawns.

“I...didn’t.”

A quiet sigh echoes through his head. ‘I forgot how ignorant you can be. You can’t reap a mortal soul that transforms into a new entity.’

“She’s a Cupid,” Din murmurs. Either that or a reaper, but he knows each of his reapers like the back of his hand and Satine isn’t nor has she ever been one. He shakes his head, thinking of Obi-Wan finding Satine’s body in the throne room. “That doesn’t make any sense. Obi-Wan clearly loved her.”

‘Rejection can sometimes stem from a misunderstanding. Satine’s last living encounter with Obi-Wan was him saying so long as he was part of the royal guard they had no future together. She perceived this as him denying he cared about her, not knowing he had made plans to retire in order to ask for her hand.’

In front of Din, Obi-Wan rubs at his soulmate marking while staring at the mess around him, lines of unease and confusion creasing his forehead.

‘You asked, what is the meaning of this moment?’ Ahsoka continues. ‘It’s one of the universe’s attempts to reconnect Obi-Wan and Satine so they experience their matching as they were intended to.’

“But they’re of different statuses,” he points out needlessly. “She’ll outlive him.”

‘Yes, but the matching of soulmates not only influences the lives of the pair, but the lives of other people as well in ways both obvious and invisible. Think of it as a ripple effect.’

“Did the universe’s attempt work?” Din wonders. “Were they ever reunited?”

‘When Satine awoke as a Cupid, it was a surprise to both her and Gideon. Rather than kill her a second time, the Seraph chose to inflict a worse fate. She became the first of her kind to have her memories erased. However, he’d never previously used his ability on another immortal before, resulting in him nearly wiping her entire mind clean. The universe is capable of many miracles, big and small, but every attempt of reuniting the pair failed. It remains the universe’s most profound regret which is ultimately the reason why the universe brought you to Trinomliaxeros without your armor so that history wouldn’t repeat itself.’

There is a strange, heavy feeling that suddenly inflates within the confines of Din’s chest like a balloon. It’s different from the rampant anger he can still detect simmering beneath the skin of his human façade. He tries to shake it off, focusing on his breathing and the desert heat emanating from the twin suns overhead, only to slowly realize that what he’s feeling is fear.

Within his memory he can recall just one other distinct moment in his existence where he felt this spine-chilling emotion, and that moment was experienced on Trinomliaxeros.

“What did you just say?” His voice sounds shaky even to his own ears, but he can’t find any energy within himself to care.

A long stretch of silence fills his head; it’s the fragile kind, too, preventing him from snapping at Ahsoka to answer lest she become angry at him and yank him out the vision entirely.

‘Twice the timing of a soulmate match has been disturbed. The first pair affected was Obi-Wan and Satine. And the second pair was...’

“Ahsoka,” he says when she hesitates to continue, but any additional words he can think of saying catch in the back of his throat.

‘The second pair was you and your angel.’ Another pause of silence, shorter but no less meaningful. ‘Only fifty years ago, she wasn’t an angel.’

This is what Din remembers from Trinomliaxeros: feeling a pull so forceful, impatient and unanticipated it drags him across the galaxy in his civilian clothes, arriving to find the planet engulfed in smoke, unable to see his hand in front of his face, even without his gloves on. Finding skeletal remains burnt to blackened crisps with the souls inside shaking and traumatized, practically leaping into his outstretched hand, knowing either the afterlife or damnation would be better destinations than lingering there even a second longer. Explosions in the distance, bursts of flames as intense and hot as the sun, greedily consuming everything in their radius.

Out of the smoke and darkness, a survivor. A girl, covered in soot and sweat, colliding with his chest. The dead are calling out to him, pleading for him to reap them, to save them. Their voices swirl around his head, clawing at his brain and pounding against his skull. Shoving the girl aside, one foot in front of the other, letting his powers guide him to the next soul. Her voice cuts across the distance, a plasma bolt striking him in the back. We’re soulmates, she says.

His breath stills in his lungs. Fear spreads like a virus through his bloodstream, slipping beneath his defenses, turning him into a stranger within his own body. The declaration is a lie, an impossibility, a delusion. He has no match, hands unmarked, flesh poisonous and lethal. His words, too, are weapons themselves. Sharp, ruthless, desiring to wound her as she’s wounded him. You could never be my soulmate.

And then he’d left her.

This is what Din remembers. But, he thinks, squeezing his eyes shut so tightly it hurts, I’ve remembered everything all wrong.

Phantom hands gently press against the sides of his helmet, offering comfort without caring about the dried blood. He keeps his eyes shut, knowing it’s just a manifestation crafted by Ahsoka in his head. ‘Don’t blame yourself. This was the only viable outcome the universe could produce to ensure the bad timing would be remedied in the future,’ she says, but it does little to lessen the weight on his chest. ‘Your rejection saved her life. It granted you both a second chance of a first meeting.’

“How did—” Din struggles to string words together, to fucking breathe. “She—She knew. What we were. How…?”

The Oracle puts him out of his misery. ‘She found out the way all soulmates do: through touch.’

Din’s eyes fly open at that, and he has to blink a few times to bring everything into focus because there’s him and his angel right in front of him, frozen mid-collision. She’s grasping the sleeves of his coat to keep her balance, the palm of her marked hand touching his wrist. He stares at the point of contact for a moment, then barks out a laugh, hysterical and strangled sounding.

“That’s not possible.”

‘Soulmates can’t kill each other. She’s always been meant to withstand your touch.’

Din swallows thickly, staring at his angel’s face. He hates the question forming on his tongue, but it will haunt him the rest of his life if he doesn’t ask it. “In your visions, when I meet her at the right time, what happens?”

'You’re different by then, less broody and more accepting of the notion you could be loved. You have a soulmate marking,’ Ahsoka tells him. ‘You fall for her hard, even before your hands brush. You love her throughout the entirety of her lifetime.’

“And...when she dies?” The words taste like blood in his mouth.

‘Don’t torture yourself, Death. That timeline doesn’t exist anymore.’

For one brief, fleeting second Din is actually grateful Gideon altered their destinies. However, in the next, he’s trying not to let the fear gnawing at the back of his mind increase as it belatedly occurs to him that the universe is not as infallible as he’s always believed it was.

He wishes he could see Ahsoka, if only so he could glare at her directly. “Everything you’ve shown me has only further convinced me Gideon deserves death. Why have you asked me to promise not to kill him?”

'Do you remember what happens after this moment on Trinomliaxeros?’

Din frowns at the change of subject. “I continued to reap souls.”

'Yes. And then?’

He huffs a frustrated breath through his nose. This is Ahsoka, he thinks, at her most annoying. But, as much he loathes admitting it, this is also the most helpfully transparent she’s ever been. Today may be the only time she trusts him enough to share her visions. He owes it to her to be as open as she’s being with him.

That being said, he’s still wary of the memories he’s kept in the distant, shadowy corners of his mind being pulled into the spotlight. “Tell me we’re not gonna talk about the kid.”

‘We talked about the universe’s biggest regret. It’s only fair we talk about yours too.’ Ahsoka has found the crack in his armor he’s tried so long to conceal, peeling it open without remorse.

She doesn’t spare him time to argue. All he does is blink and he’s looking at his past self locked in a staring contest with a little green-skinned child who is propped up inside a floating, orb-shaped pram.

Of all the buildings and homes on the planet, only its temple had remained untouched by the destruction. Din didn’t know if it had been the structure’s own holy foundation keeping it standing or if it was the personal choice of the mastermind behind the attack, but he’d been drawn to it regardless, finding souls there to reap whose hosts had differed from other victims in that their throats had been slit. The walls of the temple were adorned with intricate murals depicting immortal figures and religious events of ancient history, but before he could observe the artwork closer, a quiet coo had stopped him in his tracks.

When he opened the pram, he hadn’t anticipated finding a baby of all creatures. When their eyes connected, every background noise abruptly ceased. Even the voices of the dead fell silent. Rather than rouse his suspicions, Din had felt only a sense of peace he usually only experienced in the midst of hyperspace travel where the stars were his voiceless companions.

An unspoken conversation transpired between the two of them, one Din still can’t translate into words all these years later, but it concluded with him knowing he would take the child with him.

Din had reached for him unthinkingly, the child lifting his arms up in eagerness to be held, but self-awareness kicked in right before contact and Din retracted his hands away so fast it startled the child into crying, brown eyes filling with tears. Panicked, he surveyed the room, looking for something to put an end to the wailing, before looking down at his own coat, experiencing a lightbulb moment.

“Alright, kid, it’s okay. You’re okay.” Watching his past self shrug off the coat, Din remembers it had been his favorite of his civilian clothes, well worth the cost for its soft fabric and length. He managed to successfully swaddle the child, ensuring his arms were safely tucked away to prevent him endangering his life, and Din exhaled a quiet breath of relief when the tears dried up almost immediately.

However, the ensuing silence wasn’t as peaceful as the previous one. Both past and present Din turn at the sound of distant shuffling echoing off the temple walls from another room.

“Ignore it,” Din tells his past self. “Just take the kid and leave.”

But his plea goes unheard and the past remains unchanged. Ahsoka is silent inside his head, either because she knows he won’t accept any more comforting words or because she thinks he’s undeserving of them for choosing to leave the child behind in his pram, closing it when he starts to whine again, so Din can go investigate the noise.

Din exhales a quiet breath, fingers twitching restlessly at his sides as he watches himself stalk through the temple halls, checking each room he comes across. It’s strange, seeing himself from this perspective. The distanced viewpoint allows Din to glimpse new details he hadn’t been capable of noticing back then.

Such as the reappearance of a familiar Seraph emerging from the shadows to stab him in the back.

Here’s one of the perks about being Death: he can’t be killed. That fact doesn’t mean there haven’t been attempts though. As Death, people sometimes look at his armor as a challenge. Like if they can fire a shot or throw a knife at just the right angle, it’ll wound him and allow them to live longer. Simply put, all those people are idiots.

When he looks like a regular, unintimidating civilian, he’s also been involved in violent predicaments where someone’s attempted to mug him or where he’s tried to save someone else from a similarly sticky situation.

Armor or no armor though, he’s always walked away from these encounters completely unscathed.

Well. With the sole exception of Trinomliaxeros where he was mostly unscathed.

It wasn’t the first time Din had been stabbed before. Usually knife wounds felt like a mild pinch. More irritating than painful, similar to a splinter stuck in one’s thumb. Once the weapon was removed, the damage healed within seconds, leaving behind no scar or proof he was ever attacked.

Usually, is the keyword to note here.

Ahsoka freezes time right when the blade of the Lightsaber is driven straight through the center of Din’s body, bone and flesh as easy to slice through as melted butter. His agonized expression—eyes screwed shut and lips open in a silent scream—would be comical if Din didn’t remember the exact emotions he was feeling in that moment.

Instead of a pinch, it’d felt as if thousands of invisible hands were pulling and scratching at him, attempting to strip apart his human exterior layer by layer—peeling off skin, scraping away muscle and bone marrow, seeking to reach the core of himself where his powers resided.

‘Looks like it hurts,’ Ahsoka says. The return of her naturally calm and neutral tone of voice seems almost cruel given the frozen, graphic display.

Din again wishes he could glare at her. “Is this funny to you?”

‘The transformation of the Lightsaber into the Darksaber is anything but funny.’

Lost in recollection, he failed to notice until now how the blade of the Lightsaber has changed in color from white to black. It’s the same inky hue that absorbs the brown in his eyes, that had dyed his veins during the execution of Hess.

‘The Armorer specifically instructed the Lightsaber only be used against enemies. As a neutral entity, you are, by definition, no one’s ally or adversary. By stabbing you, the saber became corrupted. It is a consequence Gideon still has yet to fully realize the monumental repercussions of.’

Time resumes, Din’s past self collapsing onto the floor, pressing a hand to the throbbing hole in his chest, attention too consumed by the franticness of his powers struggling to repair the trauma to notice Gideon lingering behind him. The Seraph’s stunned look of shock lasts barely ten seconds, morphing into one of deep contemplation as his gaze flicked between the weapon and Din, before he vanished.

When Din recovered enough to stand, he teleported back to the child’s location at once. He needs to get the little guy as far away from here as possible, somewhere peaceful and safe. His planning came to an abrupt halt upon finding the pram open and empty, his coat shredded and scattered about the floor in pieces.

“Gideon took him.” It isn’t a question.

‘Yes,’ she confirms. ‘The child was the intended target of this siege.’

“Why?”

‘He’s...very special.’ There is something about how her voice hitches when she says ‘special’ that has Din’s instincts prickling with alertness, but he holds his tongue. ‘Gideon considers him a tool he can take advantage of.’

The ugly, tight mass of anger swells inside of him and presses against his lungs, resulting in a low growl slipping out of his mouth. He curses his own ineptitude. If he’d paid more attention, hadn’t allowed himself to be wounded, he could have subdued Gideon and spared both his angel and the child from being captured.

“I warned you once upon a time, there would be consequences if you released your darkness,” Ahsoka says, her voice no longer emitting from inside his head. The vision fades back into reality the same sudden, jarring way one wakes up from dreaming. It takes all of Din’s self-restraint not to perform a full-body shake. “Your control is slipping as your rage increases. It’s making you not think clearly which is exactly what Gideon wants. That is the reason I am asking you to promise you will not kill him.”

Put like that, Din no longer thinks her request sounds quite so outlandish, even though he does still remain in the dark as to what consequences exactly will unfold. Ahsoka has remained stubbornly tight-lipped about the topic from their very first encounter, claiming the universe is adamant she can only share the details with one other person and it isn’t him.

“He deserves to die for all he’s done,” Din says quietly, but he’s self-aware to know his resistance is beginning to crumble.

“Between you and me, I think so, too,” she admits in the same low tone. Her ocean eyes are dark and stormy, reflecting her internal turmoil. “But rules are made for a reason and we would be fools to carelessly overlook the consequences of breaking them.”

The accusatory note from earlier has returned with a vengeance. He’s not surprised—of course the universe would utilize the Oracle to express its disapproval—but aggravation still thrums through his veins.

“Hess played a hand in my soulmate’s fate. He called her a whore.” Din’s upper lip twitches with the urge to snarl. “I don’t regret what I did to him.”

Ahsoka sighs. “I was afraid you’d say that. When you swore your creed, you promised the universe you’d only reap a soul when their host’s time has reached its destined end. By killing Hess, you not only broke a sacred rule, you also broke your creed.”

Din recoils, feeling like he’s been stabbed with the Lightsaber all over again.

“...What?” The anger is gone, extinguished by the weight of the revelation. Confusion and wariness are quick to fill the void. “What does that mean?”

She looks away then, but not quick enough to hide her troubled expression. “I...don’t know.”

He blinks, mind scrambling to understand the implications. “Isn’t that your purpose? To know everything?”

“For the very first time, the future’s unclear to me,” she murmurs, eyes briefly turning cloudy as if she’s trying to take a peek at the potential timelines right then and there. She shakes her head a beat later, frowning. “There are many choices left to be made, each one capable of influencing the fate of the galaxy. It is not possible at this time for me to predict our upcoming reality, let alone your consequences. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Din says, because it’s the truth and he doesn’t like seeing her crestfallen expression. Fuck, he might actually consider her a friend after all.

Whatever happens, he thinks to himself, it can’t be any worse to deal with than being separated from his soulmate. If he can survive this, he can survive anything.

“The last promise I made was broken.” He bites back a wince at the memory of his angel’s pinky promise. “But if making another one is the only way you’ll take me to my soulmate, then you have my word. I won’t kill him.”

A ghost of a smile pulls at her lips before she grabs hold of one of his vambraces. “Take me to your ship. I will guide you to her location.”

“You don’t trust me to go alone?” he asks, unsure whether to be amused or indignant.

“No,” Ahsoka replies bluntly.

Din huffs. “Fine.”

“I may not be able to see much at the moment, but I know it’s never wise to turn down support. You’re going to need us.”

“Us?”

“It’s Bo-Katan’s choice to make, but you and I both know she’s never been one to back down from a fight. Especially once she learns Gideon is her sister’s murderer.”

Series Tag List: @stardust-and-starlight, @adrieunor, @remmyswritings, @rhiannon-russo, @maytheglitter, @eleinemk, @becauseican2, @kay2304, @odelia-d32, @nicotinebirds, @computeringturtle, @absurdthirst, @linkpk88, @bethany2002, @spideysimpossiblegirl, @imthedoctorlove, @fishsficrecs

Permanent Tag List: @promiscuoussatan, @vintagesaph, @sylphene, @over300books, @aerynwrites, @softly-sad, @chibi-yuki, @theocatkov, @oh-no-a-whovian, @freeshavocadoooo, @you-and-i-deserve-the-world, @lin-djarin, @happiestsparkleofall, @randomness501, @gallowsjoker, @rogertaylorsfalsettogivesmehives, @captain-jebi, @leilei-draws, @coaaster, @stilllivindue2spite, @pointy-sharp, @melobee, @artsymaddie

#din djarin x you #din x you #my fic #death and an angel #mandalorian x reader #Din Djarin #Pedro Pascal #pedro pascal character fanfiction #din djarin x reader #din x reader

300 notes · View notes

princesssarcastia · 3 years ago

Text

2021 Harry Potter Fanfic Primer

im here to point fingers at the incredible authors that have enabled my new interest in HP content. im still conflicted and upset about it, tbh, but for now we’re leaning into the curve. we’re getting out our shovel and finding out just how deep we can make the hole we’re in. hand in unlovable hand my beloved <3. anyway, these fics are wonderful, their authors are wonderful, and you should go read their stuff. if there’s a star next to it that means im losing my mind over it and always will be.

Creatively Maladjusted, by elumish on AO3, 101k (they also have a wonderful writing advice blog on tumblr, @elumish, which I recommend following if you are a writer)

A very excellent re-telling of harry’s first year at hogwarts if he were sorted into Slytherin, plus some more not!fic or piecemeal re-tellings of his second and part of his third year. Harry, in this, has a slightly different trauma response to growing up with the Dursley’s. He’s a bit quieter, and the signs are a bit more obvious to the people around him, and I enjoyed that immensely.

Honestly, if you’re going to get sucked into something you have absolutely no business getting sucked into, elumish is the way to go, their fic is incredible. their teen wolf fic is also immaculate, if you’re so inclined.

Dissonance, by ImpishTubist on AO3, 2.5k (@impishtubist on tumblr)

Set during fifth year. Oblivious!Harry has always been a delightful trope when well executed, and this is well executed. Plus, some angst between Remus and Harry over what Umbridge has been doing to him.

I would certainly recommend a lot of ImpishTubist’s other hp work on AO3, like Lacuna.

blow us all away, by rexcorvidae on AO3, 23k (@rexcorvidae on tumblr)

In progress (like, updated last week in progress). Currently in the beginning of Harry’s first year. Fem!Harry, Indian!Harry. Hagrid puts Harry in touch with Remus when she has questions about her parents, and they become reluctant, traumatized, angst-ridden pen pals who keep missing each other’s true intentions like ships in the night. hot DAMN do I love this fic. there’s hints of the way the dursley’s treat Harry peaking through in her letters, and I appreciated the attention to “hmm, her experience as a girl of indian descent in britain under the thumb of a bunch of white people who like being Normal may not have been gucci”

Definitely comb through the rest of their HP fic, too, I may or may not have gone feral over it.

Where the Heart is, by silver_fish on AO3, 15k (@kohakhearts on tumblr)

Woof. This one said, “hey, harry was probably SUPER depressed in the summer after fifth year. like, clinically. maybe someone should do something about that.” Fuck yeah. Then this one said, “that someone was Snape.” You all know my opinions on Snape; generally, Bad. But damn if this fic didn’t wholly convince me by the end of it. I thought it was a very realistic way for Snape to start seeing Harry as a person all on his own, and not a proxy for Snape’s angst over James and Lily, respectively. The angst is wonderful, the ending is even more so.

*bernie sanders voice* I am once again asking you to read through the rest of the author’s HP fic. a lot of them have similar themes; there’s actually a great one with Molly that i’m not reccing here, Wonder.

☆Bindings, Bindings, by Quietlemonhush on AO3, 60k (@quietlemonhush on tumblr)

WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS TO YOU HOW MUCH I ENJOYED/AM ENJOYING THIS. If I had to pick a single fic and say “you, it’s your fault I’m stuck here,” it would be this one. Anyway Lily in the afterlife is So Very Angry about how Petunia is treating Harry, and how Sirius is rotting in Azkaban, and how Remus is alone, that she literally brings herself back to life and drags James and Regulus with her. All three of them are there to chew bubblegum and fix everything that went wrong after they died—and would you look at that, they’re all out of bubblegum! There’s only Fury left. That inciting premise is very crack, but every moment after that is very much not crack. Lily and James love harry more than anything, the way a child should be loved; James and Sirius have the epic friendship of a lifetime; Sirius and Remus have staggering amounts of resolved sexual tension and take turns keeping each other in check; Regulus, though he realized that Voldemort and his family were shit before he died, is still unlearning all his racist bullshit and, also, years of trauma. Actually, they’re all traumatized, but hey: now they have one another again and not a damn one of them seems inclined to let go anytime soon. Quietlemonhush went, “hey, HP has a lot of Awful people in it, and a lot of Righteous people in it, and many of them are Very, Very Powerful; also, love is the most powerful force in the universe” and i said “hell yes tell me more right now.” And then they did!

Quietlemonhush writes Sirius/Remus in a way that makes it sooo much fun to devour, so the rest of their HP fic is most certainly worth a look, if that’s your thing.

Rebuilding, by Colubrina on AO3, 113k (@colubrina on tumblr)

Hermione/Draco (*shrug emojis into the abyss* yeah, yeah, like none of us have ever been there before). Takes place during Hogwarts 8th year, and while the beginning is, IMO, a little unfair to Ron, it gets much better. Tells the story of Hermione and Draco clearing the air, learning to like each other, having some hormones over each other, and then falling in love. Also tells the story of Hermione and Theo Nott becoming friends; the story of how every single 7th and 8th year student is fucked to hell by the war and the Carrows; the story of how they start an emotional support group about it and all become friends; and the story of, what the hell do you do with yourself after that kind of trauma?

I’ve been dipping in and out of Colubrina’s HP since before I was even on tumblr; I actually found them in those dark yesteryears when the only fandom interactions I had were on fanfiction.net. Of such fame as Green Girl, which is an HP fic staple, and has also written a lot of wackier, crackier, and darker things than that. If you don’t take yourself too seriously, I highly recommend many of their big HP works, though I imagine it’ll press some people’s buttons. Colubrina’s work really does take up a corner of my mind whenever I’m in an HP mood, and will take up yours if you let it.

☆ all waiting is long, by shuofthewind on AO3, 149k ( @shu-of-the-wind on tumblr)

This is so well written that I can’t stop thinking about it. It is occupying my mind when I lie awake at night, you know? It’s one of those. Hermione messes with something she probably shouldn’t have in Grimmauld Place, so when Sirius is sent through the Veil in the Department of Mysteries, she gets thrust into an alternate universe...in 1975. Instead of handwaving it away, shuofthewind actually gets into the mechanics of it in a way that makes sense, to emphasize that hermione is never going home. ever. The world she finds herself is shifted slightly to the left, quite a bit darker, but in a “the author is treating the idea of a society-wide conflict over blood purity much more seriously than JKR ever did” way, not a sensationalist way. Now, Hermione has to grapple with all her grief at losing everyone she’s ever loved or known, the moral/ethical/magical implications of sharing what she knows about her future in an alternate world, and, you know, a goddamn war with people who want to murder her for being who she is. This Hermione is smart, and she’s kind, and she’s powerful, and she’s making real friends. If you hate JKR’s guts I’d go read this right now, because it delivers in all the ways she failed us. It’s plotty, its got great world-building, and it pulls back the white curtain on the wizarding world to show you that, like real life, it’s multicultural and full of queer people...and the discrimination that comes with both.

shuofthewind write epics, mainly for the MCU, and I’ve read some of them a looooong time ago, so this fic kinda seemed out of left field for me but im SOOOO GLAD it exists. If you want MCU fic you can sink your teeth into, go for it, but alas, they do not have any more HP fic (.......yet?)

Speak Now [+] Listen Now, by mrsfrizzle on AO3, 33k altogether

Harry reaches out to Remus for support because Umbridge is getting to him with her literal torture. Remus, being a former professor, former mandatory reporter, person who loves Harry and has since he was born, and all around good man, tells Harry he has to tell someone, or Remus will. It’s everything any adult looking back on that time in HP canon ever wanted, which is for an actual adult to say “what the fuck, those are literal chidlren” and then do something about it. Then, a far more dangerous task: Harry trusts Remus enough to go to him about the Dursleys. Harry and Remus’ relationship develops SO WELL, and there’s a bit of exploration about how Sirius may not exactly be guardian material, because he did in fact spend 12 years of his life getting tortured instead of growing up. I think I’m actually going to go reread this right now, because it speaks to my id.

they do have some other HP fic which did not appeal to my hyperspecific wants, but may appeal to some of yours. I think they’re also a published author, there should be a link on their profile page.

chase the stars, by Duskglass on AO3, 101k (@felix-duskglass on tumblr)

When Harry is five years old, a picture of him ends up in the Daily Prophet, and Sirius Black, Terror of Ministry Officials Touring Azkaban everywhere, gets a hold of that issue. He then, in order: breaks out of Azkaban; crosses the countryside to Surrey; Finds Harry: Kidnaps Harry; Breaks Into Remus’ Apartment; starts processing (or maybe just acknowledging) his trauma from Azkaban, the war, and his childhood; and pines after Remus. It’s a little plotty, and deals a lot (sometimes through flashbacks) with the specific awful things that happened to Sirius—largely because, after years in the constant presence of Dementors, those are nearly literally the only memories he has left. It’s a wonder he’s got the strength to love Harry and Remus at all. But then, maybe it isn’t.

This is a Very Serious Fic, but the rest of Duskglass’s HP work is actually just cracky enough to tickle your funny-bone, while still making you think “okay but why couldn’t we have done that in the first place.”

So! That’s it for recs, for now. These are all things I’ve found and read in the last month; if any of y��all are interested in my old HP recs, let me know and I can make a post for that, too. While I’m still very conflicted about my choice of current fandom, I am not in ANY way conflicted about my taste in fic and authors. Send these guys some love, read their fic if you’re so inclined, and leave some nice comments at the end of it.

#harry potter #hp #fic recs #hp fic #to the authors: if for some reason you don't want to be on this list #let me know and i'll be happy to take your part down #tho i'm hoping you're fine with it because i want other people to read this stuff #and then cry about it with me #harry potter fic #harry potter fic recs

65 notes · View notes

365days365movies · 4 years ago

Text

April 8, 2021: Swiss Army Man (2016) (Recap: Part One)

Don’t think about the Boy who Lived.

Daniel Radcliffe is a talented actor with a wider range than he’s given credit for. He’s been working since childhood, and has picked up quite a lot over time. While most famous for...a certain role that will go unnamed...he famously started his stage career in 2007 with the musical Equus, and that later progressed to How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, and Endgame.

Meanwhile, he also made appearances of television in varied roles, live-action and animated. He started his career in an adaptation of David Copperfield in 1999, voiced a character on The Simpsons three separate times, hosted Saturday Night Live in 2012, and also currently has an excellent role in the anthology series Miracle Workers.

And MEANWHILE, he also had quite the robust film career, especially after...the role which shall not be named. There were a few films made during that time period, like December Boys and The Woman in Black, but most of his time was understandably taken up, as was his public image. That, of course, ends in 2011. The first time I saw him in a role outside he who shall not be named was in the film Kill Your Darlings, about the collegiate career and romance in the life of famous gay poet Allen Ginsburg. It was very good!

The same year, 2013, he starred in Horns, a unique fantasy film that I considered watching for Fantasy March. His film career would be full of ups (The F Word, Trainwreck, Lost in London) and downs (Victor Frankenstein, Now You See Me 2, Playmobil: the Movie oh God REALLY JESUS). And right in the middle of those came one of his most famous weird roles. And that’s today’s focus. And I’ve been wanting to watch it for YEARS. And while we’re talking about him, let’s talk about this film’s other star: Paul Dano.

Dano’s career also began young, and in the opposite way to Radcliffe’s: in theatre first. After a stint on Broadway at the age of 12 (GODDAMN) in Inherit the Wind, as well as several other productions, he transitioned to film in 2000, around the same time that Radcliffe started as well. Eventually, he gained acclaim with his role in Little Miss Sunshine, and then...anybody else in the mood for a milkshake right about now?

Yeah, I haven’t seen that movie, but I really should this year. Consider it on my list...at some point. I’ll figure it out. Anyway, Dano’s role in There Will Be Blood only increased his acclaim, and found him acting in a number of indie films. Dano’s definitely not a blockbuster guy, but that’s not to say that he completely avoids them either. He’s been in Knight and Day, Cowboys and Aliens, and Looper, which all fall under that category. And except for the last one...they aren’t especially good, either.

But again, he was also in 12 Years a Slave, Okja, Wildlife, Where the Wild Things Are, and Meek’s Cutoff, and all of those were critically acclaimed, and some almost reached blockbuster status themselves. So I don’t really know how to feel about his upcoming role as...the Riddler.

Yeah, we’ll see, but I’m holding my breath. Dano’s great, and I love the Riddler, but...I dunno. Like I said, we’ll see. But in the meantime, that’s enough navel-gazing. Let’s watch Swiss Army Man! SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap (1/2)

We begin at sea. If you have thalassophobia, this is already terrifying for you. After seeing many plastics floating on the ocean, covered in written messages, we make our way to a deserted island, where Hank Thompson (Paul Dano) is committing suicide after being stranded there for so long.

However, as he does, he spies someone lying on the beach. The rope snaps, and Hank runs over to greet the body, hoping that he isn’t dead. Unfortunately, after a very loud burst of flatulence, it’s pretty damn clear that this is a dead body. And yes, this is Daniel Radcliffe, but I’ll introduce him formerly when the time comes.

Hank’s sad that the guy isn’t alive, but still speaks to him about his hopes and dreams in the past. He’d always wanted a life of parties and friends and love, and imagined that he’d see that kind of life in a flash before he died. Instead, he only saw the body, who responds with yet another fart. But with that, Hank goes back to trying to hang himself.

And as he does...the body keeps interrupting with its INSANE gas. Like, it’s so bad that the body keeps shaking as if it were alive. The body washes into the sea, and its flatulence begins to propel it away from the shore. Hank sees this, and he uses the humming he was doing to make the Intro Song, which is strangely mesmerizing? Like, literally soundtrack-worthy, I’m not kidding. He also grabs a piece of his noose, uses it to grab onto the body, and rides it as the farts propel them both far away from the beach. It’s absolutely absurd...and kind of great. And then the titles play.

Hank wakes up on the short of a different island, or possible a larger land mass, and is overjoyed by the change in scenery. He shouts his name to the world, and credits the body with his rescue. No longer stranded in the Pacific, as far as we know, he tries to use his phone, to no avail. He decides to head out and look for help, grabbing a bag of Cheetos that washed up alongside them, bids the body farewell...and then comes back for it.

Carrying the farting body on his back (and kind of treating him as if he’s alive), he wanders through the forest to find help. He wonders if the gas is the result of decomposition (likely, if excessive), or if its the body’s soul leaving it. Either way, the trudge forward. They settle in a cave for the night, as it rains heavily outside. As Hank is want to do, he hums to himself, and shares more of his personal life with the body, as he sings to it. And yeah, I’ve been linking to these songs, because the soundtrack is genuinely fascinating to me.

Morning comes, and Hank awakes to a raccoon prying at the body, which he subsequently chases for food. In his desperation for food and water, he’s once again about to leave the body in the cave, but notices it leaking copious amounts of water from its mouth, which it had collected from the cave walls overnight. And yes...he drinks it. Which is absolutely disgusting when you think about it, which I now choose NOT to.

In the process, Hank squeezes the body for more water, and air escapes his mouth in such a way that it sounds like it’s speaking a name: Manny (Daniel Radcliffe). From that, Hank gets the body to speak his name and a simple greeting, but grows frustrated from the inability of the body to speak properly. This leads to him being a bit abusive towards him, reminding him unfavorably of his own father. Ooh, character revelations, me like.

Anyway, he apologizes to Manny for treating him that way...and Manny responds. Which FREAKS HANK THE FUCK OUT, understandably, and he punches Manny and flees the cave. As he comes back, Manny is indeed speaking outright, which is either a miracle or Hank just straight-up hallucinating. Either way, Hank asks Manny to try and remember his past life, but all he can get is the vague recollection of the Jurassic Park theme song. But Manny can’t remember the movie itself, which is when Hank says the most correct line ever said in all of film.

You’re goddamn right. Anyway, from, there, Hank tries to teach Manny about the ways of the world, and the nature of life and death. And the resulting conversation is absolutely fuckin’ ridiculous, and I love it all. Through the process, Manny learns about the world, and Hank asks him to help get home.

In the process, Manny inadvertently insults Hank, causing to walk off and once again look for help, only to eat poison berries and throw up for a sec. The two reunite, and their conversation turns to the topic of sex. See, there are some magazines in the cave that they’re in, which prompts some questions about women, sex, and love. To both of their surprise, this conversation causes Manny’s heart to beat! Spurred on, Hank continues, and Manny’s heart appears to reawaken...as does his penis. That’s a link to the soundtrack, I promise.

Hank and Manny both freak out, as his little Manny seems to have a mind (and motility) of its own. But in the ever absurd nature of this movie’s premise, this too has a secondary function: it’s a compass. Yup. And that prompts the next step of their journey, which is full of a conversation about fetishes and masturbation. Yeah, Hank’s surprised about that, too.

This leads to a conversation about his parents, as well as somewhat traumatic parts of his childhood, including his mother’s premature death. This makes Hank upset, and he lashes out at Manny, who briefly returns to being dead until Hank apologizes. As they go on, however, they encounter another denizen of the forest: a bear. This causes the two to fall off a cliff, and causes Hank’s phone to fall out of his pocket and turn on, allowing Manny to see the picture of a girl on his background.

Manny’s enraptured by the picture, and constantly asks to see her again, as Hank continues to struggle for food. The problem is that Hank needs to conserve the power on the phone, but Manny asks if Hank can dress up as the girl in order to help him remember, and bring him back to life to help save them both. He does so reluctantly, but Manny calls him beautiful, to which Hank reacts positively. This not only helps Manny come to life a little more, but also leads Hank to shave to look more convincing for Manny...and possibly for Hank, too.

As these two engage on a fake date and create a fake bus (while Manny listens to a fake self-sung cover of Cotton Eye Joe that I’m putting on my playlist), this is a good time to mention the one thing I know about this movie...maybe. I don’t quite remember where I heard this, but I have heard that this film is possibly a commentary on the transgender experience, or at the very least that Hank is transgender, but hasn’t come to terms with that as of yet. Now, I don’t know if that’s true or not, but I have heard that, and I’m definitely interested to see if that’s the direction this goes. This scene definitely seems to somewhat confirm this theory. Also, I will say (as I have said before when watching The Danish Girl), I’m a straight dude of the cissexual sort, so this is in NO WAY in my wheelhouse, but I still figured I’d mention it.

We’re also at the halfway point now, so this would seem like a good time to pause for Part 2! See you there!

#swiss army man #daniel scheinert #daniel kwan #daniel scheinert and daniel kwan #the daniels #daniel radcliffe #paul dano #mary elizabeth winstead #comedy april #user365 #365 movie challenge #365 movies 365 days #365 Days 365 Movies #365days365movies #365 movies a year #moviegifs #tusernyx #userpayel #usermike

19 notes · View notes

sciencespies · 3 years ago

Text

This Molecule Could Be the Key to Understanding Why Concussions Have Such Long-Term Effects

https://sciencespies.com/nature/this-molecule-could-be-the-key-to-understanding-why-concussions-have-such-long-term-effects/

This Molecule Could Be the Key to Understanding Why Concussions Have Such Long-Term Effects

Denver Bronco player David Bruton grabs his head on the field after a reported concussion. Many patients with such head injuries suffer symptoms months after their diagnosis, even though their brains look healthy on CT scans. Doug Pensinger / Getty Images

Imagine you fall down the stairs in your house and bang your head. Or perhaps you hit your noggin during a car accident. Or maybe you are football player who has just taken yet another blow to the head. You are diagnosed with a mild or a severe concussion, and you end up in a hospital and even an ICU.

Eventually your injury heals weeks later, or so it seems, because your CT scans look clear, and you go on with your life. But in a few years, strange things start to happen. Bright lights and loud noises begin to bother you. You have trouble sleeping. You can’t concentrate, can’t keep up with your daily routine and your work performance plummets. That’s because deep within your brain, in the areas where the imaging technology can’t see, that old injury never healed. Instead, it became a chronic inflammatory process that will eventually damage your brain tissues, explains a study published this month in Science.

According to a 2018 study in the Journal of Neurosurgery, about 69 million individuals around the world suffer from traumatic brain injury every year. Geoffrey T. Manley, a trauma neurosurgeon at San Francisco General Hospital and professor of neurosurgery at the University of California San Francisco who wasn’t involved in the study, sees patients every week who seem to recover, only to suffer from debilitating symptoms later that develop as a consequence of the initial injury. Over time, this slow-brewing process can trigger cognitive impairments, sleep disturbances from abnormal neuron firing and even epileptic spikes—short “electrical explosions” that don’t happen in healthy people. Manley says this process is very prominent in brain injury patients and is severely disabling. The inability to have a normal, healthy sleep is particularly detrimental. “Sleep disorders affect all aspects of your life,” he says.

Neuroscientists had known for years that brain injuries can linger, but the underlying molecular mechanisms weren’t fully clear. They don’t have any therapies to stop these secondary injuries from occurring. “I have no treatment for traumatic brain injury other than symptomatic relief, or medication for seizures once patients develop them,” Manley says. However, epilepsy drugs often have such profound side effects that people don’t want to take them. “So we are really, really desperate for anything,” he says.

Now, the new study sheds some light into the brain areas where CT scans can’t see and where the inflammatory process takes hold. Led by Jeanne Paz, who studies neurological diseases at Gladstone Institutes, the study identifies that a specific molecule, named C1q, is present in certain brain areas at unusually high levels for months after the initial trauma. The study also describes the team’s efforts—so far only done in mice—to show that a drug prevents the inflammation from setting in.

Most brain traumas affect the cerebral cortex, which sits right underneath the skull, absorbing the impact. But Paz’s team found that the ill effects can propagate to the thalamus—a small area located near the brain’s center responsible for processing sensory input. The constant communication between the thalamus and the cerebral cortex is what enables us to make intelligent decisions—the thalamus processes the input and the cortex decides what to do. For example, if you’re talking on the phone and your toddler suddenly lets out a loud scream, you know you must stop the conversation and attend to the child. The thalamus processes the sounds from the conversation and the toddler, the cortex decides what’s important.

As part of the study, scientists examined human brain tissues obtained from autopsies of patients who ultimately died from their head trauma. The team found that the C1q molecules were present in the diseased patients’ thalamus for over a week after they were originally hurt. “We were surprised to see such high levels of this molecule in the brain region that wasn’t even affected by the initial injury,” says Paz. “Our hypothesis is—it’s because the thalamus is very closely connected to the cortex and the two constantly talk to each other.” This constant talk and coordination generates a certain rhythmic activity in the brain that is important for attention, consciousness and sleep. So when the cerebral cortex is hurt, the communication between the two is disrupted, and some neurons within the thalamus die. As a result, the brain’s cellular cleanup crew shows up.

Called microglia, these cleanup cells remove damaged neurons and fight infections. To do this, they release the C1q molecules, which, overall, play a very important role in brain health. C1q trims synapses—the points of junction between neurons—to avoid having too many of the connectors. C1q promotes brain development and helps humans forget memories, which is necessary for storing new memories. When things go as normal, C1q trims synapses as it should. When injuries happen and neurons die, C1q helps clean them, but instead of stopping, it continues to trim what it shouldn’t trim anymore. “So C1q can be both good and bad,” Paz says.

Normally, in the adult person’s thalamus, no C1q is present, she says. Researchers believe that in some cases, the microglia cells just keep releasing the molecule within the thalamus, making the process chronic. “We wanted to know what makes the process chronic and how we can interrupt it,” Paz says. So her team tried treating brain-injured mice with a potential therapeutic, shortly after the trauma and before long-term symptoms appear.

Paz worked with collaborators at Annexon Biosciences, a pharmaceutical company that is developing and testing an antibody therapeutic that can block the activity of the C1q molecule. The antibody was initially designed to treat Guillain-Barré Syndrome, which is also linked to the aberrant activity of overzealous C1q. Paz wanted to see if the drug would have beneficial effects in brain injury cases in mice.

The team treated brain-injured mice with antibody cocktails within 24 hours after injury and then did twice-weekly treatments for three weeks. That brought down the amount of the C1q molecule and prevented chronic inflammation and the loss of neurons in the critters’ thalamus. It also prevented the development of the epileptic spikes and restored their sleep. But when the researchers studied how mice genetically engineered to not have the C1q molecule dealt with trauma, their initial brain injury was much worse—they suffered much greater neuronal death in the cerebral cortex, where the blow struck. So ultimately, the C1q indeed lived up to its “good and bad” reputation.

The C1q molecule shouldn’t be blocked at the time of injury, because it seems to protect the brain and prevent cell death, Paz explains. But blocking the C1q shortly after the initial injury may reduce inflammation.

Manley describes the study as an important milestone in the brain trauma treatment paradigm. “It demonstrated that after the initial injury to the cortex, there is the secondary injury to the thalamus—you can see pathology evolving,” says Manley. But what’s really promising, he adds, is that an antibody drug can help remediate that secondary injury. Antibodies are drugs that do exactly what their name suggests—they work against the body’s proteins or molecules that have somehow gone rogue and are now causing harm rather than performing normal functions. Designed to bind to rogue molecules and disable them, antibodies have revolutionized how medics treat many diseases—neurological, autoimmune, cancer and most recently, Covid-19.

So far the C1q antibody has been tried only in mice, which means it is still at least a few years away from arriving to the brain trauma wards. The therapeutic would have to be tested in human trials and approved by the FDA first. But this is an important step in right direction, Manley says, because the currently available meds can’t prevent the injury from progressing. “So when I see a paper that not only explains the mechanism that generates the pathology I see in my patients every day, but says that here is a monoclonal antibody that apparently suppresses this pathology, I find it very exciting,” Manley says. “We need better ways to treat people.”

Biology

Brain

Health

Medicine

Mice

#Nature

#09-2021 Science News #2021 Science News #acts of science #Earth Environment #earth science #Environment and Nature #Nature Science #News Science Spies #Our Nature #planetary science #Science #Science Channel #science documentary #Science News #Science Spies #Science Spies News #Space Physics & Nature #Space Science #Nature

2 notes · View notes

didanawisgi · 3 years ago

Link

[CAUTION: This article is unusually complex. Life can be like that.]

There is growing interest in the nucleotide NAD+ (nicotinamide adenine dinucleotide) because of recent research revealing it’s regulation of diverse pathways controlling lifespan.1 A paper by Belensky et al2 in the same issue of Cell as a commentary on it1found that a precursor of NAD+ (nicotinamide riboside) extended yeast life span via activation of pathways that respond to increased NAD+, such as those that depend upon the SIR2 gene. Moreover, the beneficial effects of caloric restriction appear to be NAD+ dependent, as well as mediated by the NAD+-dependent SIRT1/Sir2 activity.3,4

The ratio of NAD+/NADH regulate many aspects of metabolism, including DNA repair, stress resistance, and cell death.4

“Changes in NAD+ metabolism have been associated with several pathologies, including neurodegenerative diseases, cancer, cardiovascular disease, and normal ageing.”4 In fact, the authors of paper #4 suggest that, “NAD+ synthesis through the kynurenine pathway [de novo synthesis of NAD+ from tryptophan] and/or salvage pathway [from nicotinamide] is an attractive target for therapeutic intervention in age-associated degenerative disorders.”

NAD+ is also reported to play a critical role as part of cellular respiration during the process of oxidative phosphorylation and ATP production.4 “Therefore, ATP synthesis and redox potential is directly proportional to intracellular NAD+ concentration.”4 The NAD+/NADH ratio is a measure of the metabolic state because of its importance in regulating intracellular redox state.4

Sirtuins are deacetylases that regulate large numbers of genes by removing acetyl groups from DNA. The function of the longevity gene SIRT1 has been shown to depend on the availability of NAD+. “Not surprisingly, the life-enhancing properties of sirtuins go hand in hand with those of NAD+ metabolism, suggesting a causal relationship where SIRT1 translates alterations of NAD+ levels into transcriptional events.”4 Interestingly, the DNA repair enzyme PARP (poly(ADP-ribose) polymerase) uses large amounts of intracellular NAD+ and is thereby in competition with sirtuins for the limited supply of NAD+. Under conditions of excessive expression of PARP, cellular NAD+ can be depleted, killing the cell. “Hyperactivation of PARP1 following DNA strand breaks can rapidly consume intracellular NAD+ pools, resulting in a loss of ability to synthesize ATP, and the cessation of all energy-dependent functions and consequent cell death.”4

The authors of paper #4 note that over-activation of PARP1 has been reported in the brains of Alzheimer’s disease patients, as well as in those with diabetes, MTPT-caused Parkinson’s disease, shock, and other conditions. It has been suggested that PARPs may play a role in aging by promoting NAD+ depletion. One study5 reported that PARP-1 activity in mononuclear blood cells increases with aging in at least thirteen mammalian species. In another study,5A researchers reported that “[o]ur results suggest that oxidative stress induced NAD+ depletion could play a significant role in the aging process, by compromising energy production, DNA repair and genomic surveillance.” The latter study5A examined the effect of aging on intracellular NAD+ metabolism in the whole heart, lung, liver and kidney of female Wistar rats, reporting that “[o]ur results are the first to show a significant decline in intracellular NAD+ levels and NAD/NADH ratio in all organs by middle age (i.e., 12 months) compared to young (i.e., 3 month old) rats … The strong positive correlation observed between DNA damage associated NAD+ depletion and Sirt1 activity suggests that adequate NAD+ concentrations may be an important longevity assurance factor.”

The authors of one paper5B write that “… when cells are subjected to oxidative stress by exposure to H2O2 [hydrogen peroxide], PARP-1 is activated and SIRT1 activity is robustly reduced, as PARP-1 activation limits NAD+ bioavailability. Treatment with PARP inhibitors in these circumstances allows the cell to maintain NAD+ levels and SIRT1 activity. … these observations indication that PARP-1 is a gatekeeper for SIRT1 activity by limiting NAD+ availability.”

The authors of paper #4 report that “[p]revious work from our group has shown for the first time that resveratrol induces a dose-dependent increase in activity of the NAD+ synthetic enzyme nicotinamide mononucleotide adenyl transferase (NMNAT1)” but that this is unpublished data.

Interestingly, a very recent paper found that “enhancement of the NAD+/NADH balance through treatment with NAD+ precursors inhibited metastasis in xenograft models [of breast cancer], increased animal survival, and strongly interfered with oncogene-driven breast cancer progression in the MMTV-PyMT mouse model.”6

Mitochondrial Biogenesis Induced by SirT1 Depends on Availability of NAD+

A very recent paper,6A in explaining how exercise or SirT1 activates PGC-1alpha, a master regulator of mitochondrial biogenesis, points out that the activity of SirT1 relies on NAD+ as a necessary coenzyme. The paper6A goes on to describe how, in its study of exercise in mice, chronic contractile activity (exercise) has a robust effect on mitochondrial biogenesis and that resveratrol acted synergistically with exercise to increase mitochondrial content when SirT1 was activated. “[T]he maximal effect of RSV [resveratrol] requires both SirT1 and a condition of energy demand in muscle that would be high in NAD+ and AMP, cofactors which activate SirT1 and AMPK, respectively.” 6A

Precursors That Can Be Taken As Supplements to Increase NAD+

There is (so far) remarkably little information on ways to increase NAD+ with natural products that are commercially available. There are three main physiological precursors: tryptophan, niacin, and niacinamide. It is reported that, “the administration of radiolabeled nicotinamide and nicotinic acid [niacin] has clearly shown that nicotinamide is a better precursor of NAD+ and that nicotinic acid is rapidly cleared by being converted to nicotinamide and excreted as nicotinuric acid.”6B Resveratrol was reported in paper #4 (but only as unpublished data) to dose-dependently increase the activity of the NAD+ synthetic enzyme nicotinamide mononucleotide adenyl transferase. In another paper,7 quercetin was reported to oxidize NADH to NAD+ in rat liver, thus increasing the availability of NAD+. However, as the researchers also explain, “direct measurements of NADH/NAD+ are very difficult to perform.”7 This was as of the paper’s publication in 2005. The researchers inferred the NADH/NAD+ ratio from the ratio of beta-hydroxybutyrate to acetoacetate. Quercetin has also been reported to be a PARP-1 inhibitor.7B Niacinamide is known to be an inhibitor of PARP, thus may prevent the decrease in NAD+ that results from PARP activity. There is a salvage pathway of specific enzymes that converts niacinamide to NAD+.

Niacinamide (NAM) As a PARP Inhibitor May Explain NAM’s Antiviral Effects

Interestingly, PARP is reported to be critical for the integration of foreign DNA, as absence of the PARP enzyme interrupts the HIV life cycle.7C An early study published in 1996 on the effects of niacin reported that a daily niacin (combining niacin and niacinamide) intake in AIDS patients that equaled only 3–4 times the U.S. recommended daily allowance (at that time) of 20 mg/day experienced slower progression and improved survival.7D That was, of course, well before the current multidrug cocktails were developed that enable HIV infected individuals to survive 20 years or more, but still demonstrates the anti-viral effects of the vitamin.

Other natural PARP inhibitors include the flavonoids fisetin and tricetin8 and flavone.9

More About PARP Inhibitors

Keep in mind that PARP is an important enzyme for DNA repair and transcription. Hence, PARP inhibition has to be limited so as to avoid excessive impairment of DNA repair. “Impaired SIRT1 activity due to PARP mediated NAD+ depletion allows increased activity of several apoptotic effectors such as p53, therefore sensitizing cells to apoptosis. Adequate NAD+ levels are therefore critical to maintaining Sirt1 activity which can delay apoptosis and provide vulnerable cells with additional time to repair even after repeated exposure to oxidative stress.”5A

PARP inhibitors are now being incorporated into therapy for diseases such as cancer and diabetes.10–12 This cripples the DNA repair ability of cancer cells, which generally have deficient DNA repair to start with, further limiting their ability to repair DNA and making the cancer cells more vulnerable to apoptosis. In diabetes, moderate PARP inhibition can help maintain cellular NAD+ availability for ATP synthesis. In fact, as mentioned above, overactivation of PARP1 has been reported in diabetes, Alzheimer’s disease, traumatic brain injury, shock, and other conditions.4 A recent paper5C reported that PARP is hyperactivated by oxidative stress induced by beta amyloid; this PARP overactivation (and depletion of NAD+) could be an important source of cell death in Alzheimer’s disease.

Another recent paper “provided quantitative evidence in support of the hypothesis that hyperactivation of PARP due to an accumulation of oxidative damage to DNA during aging may be responsible for increased NAD+ catabolism in human tissue. The resulting NAD+ depletion may play a major role in the aging process by limiting energy production, DNA repair and genomic signaling.”13 In this paper, the authors note that other investigators have linked PARP1 hyperactivity to diseases such as diabetes, MPTP-induced Parkinson’s disease and injury induced brain disorders. They further reported for the first time, in this study,13 that PARP activity increases with age in human skin, correlating with both age and NAD+ depletion (in males, but not in females). Consistent with the regulation of SIRT1 activity by NAD+ availability, they found a significant decline in SIRT1 activity with age in post-pubescent males but, again, not in females. The authors suggest that one possibility is that females have a greater capacity to recycle NAD+ from the PARP metabolite nicotinamide; however this remains to be determined.

References

1. Denu. Vitamins and aging: pathways to NAD+ synthesis. Cell. 1293):453-4 (May 4, 2007). 2. Belenky et al. Nicotinamide riboside promotes Sir2 silencing and extends lifespan via Nrk and Urh1/Pnp1/Meu1 pathways to NAD+. Cell. 129:473-84 (2007). 3. Wolf. Calorie restriction increases life span: a molecular mechanism. Nutr Rev. 64(2):89-92 (2006). 4. Massudi et al. NAD+ metabolism and oxidative stress: the golden nucleotide on a crown of thorns. Redox Rep. 17(1):28-47 (2012). 5. Grube and Burkle. Poly(ADP-ribose) polynerase activity in mononuclear cell lines of 13 mammalian species correlates with species specific lifespan. Proc Natl Acad Sci USA. 89:11759-63 (1992). 5A. Braidy et al. Age related changes in NAD+ metabolism oxidative stress and Sirt1 activity in Wistar rats. PLoS One. 6(4):e19194 (Apr. 2011). 5B. Canto and Auwerx. Interference between PARPs and SIRT1: a novel approach to healthy ageing? Aging. 3(5):543-7 (2011). 5C. Abeti and Duchen. Activation of PARP by oxidative stress induced by beta amyloid: implications for Alzheimer’s disease. Neurochem Res. 37:2589-96 (2012). 6. Santidrian et al. Mitochondrial complex I activity and NAD+/NADH balance regulate breast cancer progression. J Clin Invest. 123(3):1068-81 (2013). 6A. Menzies et al. Sirtuin 1-mediated effects of exercise and resveratrol on mitochondrial biogenesis. J Biol Chem. 288(10):6968-79 (2013). 6B. Imai. The NAD world: a new systemic regulatory network for metabolism and aging — Sirt1, systemic NAD biosynthesis, and their importance. Cell Biochem Biophys. 53:65-74 (2009). 7. Buss et al. The action of quercetin on the mitochondrial NADH to NAD+ ratio in the isolated perfused rat liver. Planta Med. 71:1118-22 (2005). 7B. Milo et al. Inhibition of carcinogen-induced cellular transformation of human fibroblasts by drugs that interact with the poly(ADP-ribose) polymerase system. FEBS J. 179(2):332-6 (1985). 7C. Murray. Nicotinamide: an oral antimicrobial agent with activity against both Mycobacterium tuberculosis and human immunodeficiency virus. Clin Infect Dis. 36:453-60 (2003) 7D. Tang et al. Effects of micronutrient intake on survival in human immunodeficiency virus type 1 infection. [a study of the Multicenter AIDS Cohort Study] Am J Epidemiol.143:1244-56 (1996) 8. Weseler et al. Poly (ADP-ribose) polymerase-1-inhibiting flavonoids attenuate cytokine release in blood from male patients with chronic obstructive disease or type 2 diabetes. J Nutr. 139:952-7 (2009). 9. Geraets et al. Flavone as PARP-1 inhibitor: its effect on lipopolysaccharide induced gene-expression. Eur J Pharmacol. 573:241-8 (2007). 10. Peralta-Leal et al. PARP inhibitors: new partners in the therapy of cancer and inflammatory diseases. Free Radic Biol Med. 47:13-26 (2009). 11. Soriano et al. Rapid reversal of the diabetic endothelial dysfunction by pharmacological inhibition of poly(ADP-ribose) polymerase. Circ Res. 89:684-91 (2001). 12. Du et al. Inhibition of GAPDH activity by poly(ADP-ribose) polymerase activates three major pathways of hyperglycemic damage in endothelial cells. J Clin Invest. 112(7):1049-57 (2003). 13. Massudi et al. Age-associated changes in oxidative stress and NAD+ metabolism in human tissue. PLoS One. 7(7):e42357 (July 2012).

#NAD+#nicotinamide adenine dinucleotide #anti-aging #aging #family medicine #regenerative medicine #integrative medicine

2 notes · View notes

scripttorture · 4 years ago

Note

Hey, I am writing a torture scene in a Star Wars fanfiction, where a character is tortured both with interrogation devices and with the Force. How do I make the use of the Force in torture seem as awful and realistic as the interrogation devices? Sorry if that is confusing, I've never written a torture scene in fic before and I am nervous about doing this one right.

Welcome. :) It’s a perfectly understandable fear, let’s get stuck in.

There are some issues around some of the canon torture devices in Star Wars. The short version of which is that high tech equipment isn’t realistic in torture and it can often suggest torture is ‘advanced’ or ‘intelligent’ when it is not. But this isn’t really the core of your question and I don’t want to discourage you on your first try.

For more realistic low-tech alternatives I have a post on common torture techniques in the modern era over here. You can read a little more about why I think ‘interrogation devices’ are leaning in to torture apologia by looking through the ‘high tech torture’ tag.

You can read a bit more about it in this Star Wars review here or by looking through this tag.

Central to this is how you communicate pain in a story. Because that’s really what we’re talking about here. How do you capture a type of pain that your reader hasn’t experienced?

It might be helpful to know that pain isn’t one sensation. We actually process different kinds of pain differently and we each have different thresholds for different sorts of pain.

That might sound complicated but what it boils down to is that knowing someone likes their curry hot doesn’t tell you how they’d deal with a head ache or a twisted ankle.

So if I was approaching this my first question would be: what kind of pain do I want to make the Force feel like?

There are a couple of little bits from various parts of the franchise that suggest the dark side feels ‘cold’. But I think you do have leeway to really decide what you want this to be like.

I would lean in to the way the Force can cause pain without leaving obvious wounds. Because a lot of torture, both historically and today, does the same thing and these ‘clean’ (non-scarring) tortures are often dismissed. The damage they cause is downplayed, the pain they cause is underestimated. And unfortunately survivors of clean tortures (the majority of torture survivors today) are dismissed because we expect torture to leave scars.

Our vision is a big part of how we judge other people’s pain. We find it very easy to instinctually imagine (and sympathise) with injuries we can clearly see. Things like broken bones, burns and cuts seem to be easier for us to understand. I’d use that, in the same way I would if I was writing a non-magical clean torture scenario.

I’m going to describe the reported sensations/type of pain caused by three different clean tortures; stress positions, pumping and electrical torture using a magneto. (You can look up any of those in the tags for more information.) Feel free to use any of these.

Stress positions cause muscular pain throughout the body. Think of the sharp pain the comes with pulled muscles and imagine that throughout the body. That tension, the feeling that the limbs are giving way, everywhere. A building muscular pain punctuated by sharp bursts. It’s trembling afterwards, weakness, staggering, falling. A burning, pins and needles sensation as circulation returns to raised limbs.

By contrast pumping is internal, organ pain. It’s a stomach ache that’s like being stamped on. A stabbing pain that doesn’t end. If you’ve had a bad E coli infection then think of that. Nausea, the awful empty feeling afterwards. Switching from one type of pain to another until it starts all over again. The way your head reels and your awareness narrows.

As for electrical torture, well here’s Alleg’s description of his experience with the French military in Algeria (I have edited to focus on his description of physical sensation).

‘Suddenly, I leapt in my bonds and shouted with all my might. Cha- had just sent a first electric charge through my body. A flash of lightning exploded next to my ear and I felt my heart racing in my breast. I struggled, screaming and stiffened myself until the straps cut into my flesh. All the while the shocks controlled by Cha-, magneto in hand, followed each other without cease.[…]

‘Suddenly I felt as if a savage beast had torn the flesh from my body. Still smiling above me Ja- had attached the pincer to my penis. The shocks going through me were so strong that the straps holding me to the board came loose. They stopped to tie them again and we continued.

‘After a while the lieutenant took the place of Ja-. He had removed the wire from one of the pincers and fastened it down along the entire width of my chest. The whole of my body was shaking with nervous shocks getting ever stronger in intensity, and the session went on interminably. They had thrown cold water over me in order to increase the intensity of the current and between every two spasms I trembled with cold. All around me sitting on the packing cases, Cha- and his friends emptied bottles of beer. I chewed on my gag to relieve the cramp which contorted my body. In vain’

Obviously you don’t have to use any of these examples if you don’t like the sound of them. The basic idea is to think about a type of pain and use that to create an evocative description.

You could even use your own experience if you wanted to. Think about the kinds of pain you’ve had in the past, migraines or pulled muscles or eating a curry that was too hot, and use that as a basis for magnifying the same sensation.

That’s all Step One.

Capturing the full impact of torture means more then the torture scene. It means warping the story under the weight of abuse. It’s the lasting effects on the survivor and the knock on impact on their friends and family. It’s the way that impact can radicalise people, even witnesses. It’s the effect torture has on the organisations that use it and those that it is used against.

A story does not necessarily need to give all of these elements a lot of narrative space.

If your story doesn’t focus on the survivor then their symptoms might just take up a sentence as the main characters ask whether they ‘made it’. And in that case you hammer home the impact by showing the effect on these people who are at a remove. Their fear, their anger, their resolve to stop this. Perhaps even a few lasting symptoms they develop as witnesses to a traumatic event.

The original Star Wars movies don’t leave a lot of time to focus on lasting effects on the main characters but they still show each of them resisting torture in different ways. They show torture radicalising characters who witness it. They show it galvanising opposition and they show torture as ultimately undermining the organisation that uses it.

Essentially think about the sort of story you’re telling and how much space each of these elements needs in your story.

Most of the writers who come here are focused on a survivor character and want to write that character recovering. So I’m going to talk about that in more depth.

If however you’d rather talk about systems in your story I do have some masterposts that’ll help. There’s one here on the common justifications for torture in democracies. There’s one on why torture doesn’t work as a method of interrogation here and a more detailed discussion of the effect torture has on investigations here. There’s also a post on common misconceptions over here.

I also think you should read the post on clean torture.

So, let’s talk about how torture effects people.

Torture does cause lasting symptoms in survivors, witnesses and torturers. Survivors are left dealing with symptoms for the rest of their lives. But that doesn’t mean they never recover and it doesn’t mean survivors don’t go on to have fulfilling lives.

Recovery is about learning to live with symptoms rather then mental health problems vanishing.

Now we know the possible symptoms of torture. But survivors don’t generally experience all the possible symptoms and we don’t really understand why there’s so much variety in what individual survivors experience. We also, generally speaking, can’t predict which symptoms any individual will get*.

From a writing stand point that means we’re free to decide what fits best in any story. I’d encourage you to pick 3-5 symptoms from the list here for any survivors characters. There’s a more detailed discussion of memory problems in particular here. Memory problems are extremely common in reality and very rarely portrayed accurately/well in fiction.

Personally I think the best way to pick is by looking at the list and thinking about which symptoms will add to the story you’re trying to tell. Think about what might add interesting obstacles in the plot, what might create opportunities to show your audience more about the character and what might change the relationships characters have.

So if your character needs to be charismatic and social does giving them anxiety create an interesting barrier to that? If your character is determined or holds their ideals really high, does giving them depression help illustrate those qualities by showing what the character is battling with every day? Would intrusive memories prompt deeper discussions with their friends about mental health, their fears?

Wrapping up I would really encourage you to look at that masterpost on the common misconceptions about torture. Because so many of the ways we’re used to seeing torture portrayed are tropes that have no basis in reality. And a lot of them are based on really harmful misconceptions about torture and torture survivors.

This probably feels like a lot. It is. Torture is a complex topic to tackle and the sheer volume of misinformation out there makes it that much harder to do it right.

Read the links. Think about what you want to write. Practice.

And if you have any more questions feel free to send them in when the ask box re-opens. :)

Available on Wordpress.

Disclaimer

*There are a handful of exceptions here but for the most part whatever the torture technique the possible long term symptoms are the same. Exceptions include sleep deprivation, starvation and solitary confinement.

#writing advice #tw torture #sci fi ask #star wars #torture apologia #writing torture #writing survivors #writing torture scenes #writing symptoms #clean torture #scarring torture #high tech torture #pain #memory problems #effects of torture #symptoms of torture #attitudes to clean tortures

34 notes · View notes

lost-in-yujikiri · 5 years ago

Text

Alicization Rewatch ep 22-23

1) Kirito and the Black Swordman persona

In my previous posts I have talked a lot about how Kirito actually dislikes his Black Swordman persona, the reason he’s always so awkward about exposing his Duel-Wielding skill even since ALO arc and his other related skills. And thus, while he was with Eugeo, the person with no knowledge of Kirito’s heroic fame of clearing Aincrad, he finally can stay true to his real self as a normal boy, and averted anything that is related to the Black Swordman.

However, when Kirito, Eugeo, and Alice S30 had to face their biggest enemies in Central Cathedral, he finally had to make a resolve to cast aside his inner turmoil and accept his deadly but strongest self that he tried to leave in the past, in order to pay back to Eugeo and Alice S30′s effort who had been helping him, and were helping him to defeat Chudelkin in 10 seconds. That lead to Kirito’s cool transformation scene to become the Black Swordman persona using Incarnation system, which helped him make a one shot kill.

*In the Cake timeline AU (If You Were Here - If You Wish It), a different Alicization timeline where Eugeo is still alive and Kirito/Eugeo have been together for 3 years, author Kawahara also made it clear that Eugeo is the anchor for Kirito to accept his Black Swordman persona so Kirito can turn back to that self and use its skills again.

In my mind, I’ve always been shirking from my Aincrad persona back when I was called the 《Black Swordsman》. To such an extent that I don’t even want to find out the reason why. I feel that it’s a combination of my self-degrading belief that I have no right to be treated as a hero, as well as my guilt towards the many people that have died in front of me, being associated with my past self. Yet, I believe that sensation has become quite toned down over the three years I spent with Eugeo here. While the fact that he has absolutely no knowledge of my past self is one of the factors for this, that’s not all there is to it. In front of Eugeo, I have always been able to be my true self. I’ve even been able to expose my bad and awful sides to him, wearing my heart on my sleeve. At this point in time, I might be able to accept my past self. Even as the persona of the Black Swordsman, the foundation of my Incarnation.

Novel Excerpt: SAO AU story If You Wish It Part 2

In this scene, Eugeo is very confused when he heard Administrator calling Kirito a person from “the other side”, and has a multiple conflicting thoughts happened in his mind. But Kirito thought before that he’d tell Eugeo everything if they are successful in this mission, thus this part:

For an instant, Kirito looked back at Eugeo. There was a multitude of emotions in his black pupils, but it seemed to Eugeo that foremost among them was pleading, a desperate wish for Eugeo to trust him.

LN source: Chapter 13 Part 2, Volume 14 Alicization Uniting

Sadly, that scenario never came true.

2) Administrator and Cardinal

The anime portrayed really well how terrifying, power-hungry and prideful Administrator is, and her rational point of view was even able to make Kirito unable to rebut. The Sword Golem made out of 300 living souls in UW is the epitome of her utmost cruelty and twisted view on human’s love. Even just one Sword Golem was even able to nearly kill Kirito and Alice S30 in mere seconds.

I can feel Eugeo’s despair here again, from countless times of seeing his best friends in danger or being left far away from them, unable to do anything.

The spider Charlotte, who has been with Kirito and Eugeo since the Zakkaria chapter in LN and Swordcraft Academy time decided to jump out to sacrifice itself for Eugeo to transport Cardinal here. It was a very sad goodbye for me, especially since I know how much help she was to the boys back in Zakkaria, unknowingly to them.

This is not the end to Administrator’s cruelty, she even intended to sacrifice 40,000 more souls to make her invincible army of Sword Golems to fend off the Dark Territory’s invasion. Also, despite all Administrator’s long babbles, her main goal in this fight was actually luring Cardinal here to kill her once and for all. That’s why when Cardinal arrived, Administrator closed off all doors of Central Cathedral from the outside world, so that even if any of them are heavily injured, they can’t draw Solus resource to heal their wounds, even Administrator herself (which is why when Administrator’s arm was cut off later, she couldn’t heal her arm and turned it to sword instead). That is how far she went to ensure Cardinal’s demise.

I recall from LN, The Rulid Trio were still so traumatized from the Sword Golem to the point of not being able to move from their frozen fear of death when Kirito & Alice S30 were stabbed to near death in mere seconds, as well as the fact that it’s made of 300 living human units that they didn’t have enough resolve to destroy. This is an example of what I call the reverse effect of Incarnation, which is also what put Kirito in his current state in WoU. The situation is dead end for Cardinal then: all the exits were sealed and Cardinal can’t directly kill 300 human units, because even though she might have been able to use her believing power to think that her decision to click an erase button to UW is “to save all UW souls”, it’s still against the Taboo Index for her to directly kill anything she knows as “human”. Meanwhile, Rulid Trio in their frightened state were literally dead weights for Cardinal, if Cardinal attacked Quinella, the Sword Golem will attack the trio, and if Cardinal attacked Sword Golem, she could deplete half of Quinella’s power in the process, but Quinella is still overpowered enough to kill off the Rulid Trio in that state.

So in her mind there is now only the slim chance that because Quinella had done everything just to lure Cardinal out of her 200 years of hiding, Quinella would do everything to ensure killing Cardinal first, Cardinal’s sacrifice would get enough time and motivations for the Trio to snap out of their fear, live on and defeat Administrator later. Also, even though Quinella can have her ways to bypass the Taboo Index, she can’t go against the rules & teaching set by her parents, her direct authority who have all passed away, which, as Cardinal explained to Kirito in LN, include from basic stuff like “You always have to put tea cup on tea dish” to morality like “You can not kill humans”, and in my speculation, Quinella’s parents also taught her “You have to keep your promises to others”, which is what Cardinal used to force Quinella to swear to her own Fluctlight instead of a fictional Goddess Stacia to not harm the Rulid Trio.

By the time Eugeo thought of a plan, it’s already too late for Cardinal.

3) Eugeo’s decision

When a person has chewed on their thoughts of being powerless for far too long, whenever they get their resolve, their inner willpower will be the strongest.

LN described Eugeo’s thoughts very clearly, at that moment he understood better than anyone that if they run away according to Cardinal’s wish, there is no other better chance to stop Administrator from turning 40,000 people into weapons. If they run away now they would just live with regret for years like he did, and Administrator of course would seperate them again. He thought of the seperation of Eldrie and his mother, Deusolbert and his wife, Alice and her family, and he was deadset on not letting such tragedies happen again. That’s why he thought of the analogy with the making of Sword Golem, and he asked Cardinal to turn him into a sword, with the driving core of his sword being the young Alice Zuberg’s soul crystal on the ceiling.

In the LN, Kirito wondered why only little Alice’s Crystal was not used to make the Sword Golem, and while watching Eugeo’s transformation, he came to an answer:

Thirty-one Integrity Knights. But only thirty swords in the Sword Golem. The fusion with Eugeo’s sword made it clear that the only memory fragment that hadn’t been used for that purpose was Alice’s. So why couldn’t Administrator forge a sword that would pair up with Alice’s memories? It must’ve been because Alice’s memories…her love…was too great. Young Alice loved Eugeo, loved Selka, loved her parents, loved everyone who lived in the village, loved Rulid itself, and even loved the time in which the people she loved lived and would continue to live. Even the almighty pontifex couldn’t convert time and space into solid matter. So she wasn’t able to make a sword she could link to Alice. And it was why the sword that Alice and Eugeo made was so beautiful and radiant.

LN source: Chapter 13 Part 5, Volume 14 Alicization Uniting

Therefore, the pure love of little Alice’s soul towards everybody around her is the true antithesis to Administrator’s twisted view of love. She is one of the strongest souls in UW, and befitting to fight against Administrator as well.

The giant white sword fought so well, that it defeated Sword Golem.

But much to Kirito’s desperate plea, Eugeo went off to fight Administrator as well.

And Eugeo managed to cut off Administrator’s arm…

But at a huge, huge cost…

Seeing Eugeo’s bloody form seemingly about to die, part of Kirito’s heart had died right there, his soul in tremendous pain.

“Ah……ah………” The sound that croaked from my throat came to my ears as though from a very far distance. The entire world lost color, lost smell, lost sound. Everything paled.

Let’s end this already. The thought rose from the emptiness like a bubble and popped. We—no, I—had lost, in every sense of the word. My one single reason for being in this place was to help free Eugeo’s soul into the real world. Instead, he’d sacrificed himself to protect me, and I was powerless, on my hands and knees—the man who would simply log out to reality when he died in the Underworld. I just want to fade out, to vanish from the world. I don’t want to see any more, hear any more. All I prayed for was my own obliteration. But the Underworld was its own reality, and its master was not a program designed to stop once you hit the bad ending.

LN source: Chapter 13 Part 5, Volume 14 Alicization Uniting

And when Aministrator came to the despaired Kirito to finish him off, Alice S30 jumped out to take her hit for him, and it jolt him back to remember the past, Asuna sacrificed herself to save him, just now Charlotte, Cardinal, little Alice Zuberg and Eugeo also just did so in this fight, and Alice S30 is the last one. How many more times he would keep despairing and did nothing to save the situation?

And so Kirito stood back up to fight again.

Amidst his deepest pain he’s ever felt, here it comes his final resistance, his last ditch effort

#Alicization Rewatch #Kirito #Kirigaya Kazuto #Eugeo #Alice Zuberg #Alice Synthesis 30 #Yuuki Asuna #Sword Art Online #SAO #Alicization #SAO Alicization #YujiKiri #KiriYuji

72 notes · View notes

deathing · 4 years ago

Text

HEADCANON : DISSOCIATION & STATE OF MIND .

WARNING FOR : mentions of mental health, childhood abuse and trauma.

in short, tomura’s state of mind and over all mental health / mentality is very damaged and unstable. he doesn’t quite fit into any one classification and rather seems to have an amalgamation of dissociative disorders with aspects from each of the three major disorders ( dissociative identity disorder, dissociative amnesia and depersonalization-derealization disorder. )

first of all, dissociation is a coping mechanism that is used to disconnect from stressful or traumatic situations, or to separate traumatic memories from general awareness. by dissociating painful memories from everyday thought processes, a person can maintain a level of functioning, as though the trauma had not occurred. this all stems from his experiences of abuse as a child from his father and the subsequent deaths of his family when his quirk manifested. dissociation is actually quite a normal trauma response, it’s a way to disconnect from external situations when you cannot physically get away from them. it does, however, become an issue when this is someone’s only coping mechanism and shigaraki has been doing this almost continually for over fifteen years. not to mention, the act of wearing the hands of his family served to effectively re - traumatize him or at least substantially raise his stress levels to keep the dissociation going.

1 : IDENTITY .

tomura separates his identity from tenko, effectively to the point where they are two different entities to him. this is a little similar to dissociative identity disorder ( previously known as multiple personality disorder ), but that’s really where the similarities stop. he doesn’t alternate between himself ( as tomura ) and ‘tenko’ — rather just separates them in his mind. it’s stressful and confusing for him to be reminded that he is both of them, that they are one and the same person, because he seeks to distance himself from his trauma and so that he is able to continue to function.

tomura seeks to have a lot of control over many aspects of his life, becoming stressed and dysregulated when things don’t go the way he’s planned. it’s to compensate for the lack of control he experienced as tenko and, unfortunately, it’s just as he’s said, that violence breeds more violence. violence was perpetrated onto tenko and therefore tomura enacts that violence on others in turn. ( in keeping within the context that he was coached and manipulated by all for one to be violent and destructive, not that the abuse itself made him this way. )

additionally, i think it’s worth noting that tomura has never really been allowed to form his own identity. tenko wanted to be a hero and he was continuously denied this by his father. he was then taken in by all for one, given tomura as an identity and then manipulated into how to think and feel, without really haven ever been given much of a choice. society as a whole rejected tenko when he needed it, it continues to do so as tomura, and so he seeks to destroy what continues to deny him.

2 : MEMORIES .

perhaps the most obvious is that tomura was unable to actually recall his childhood memories and therefore experienced dissociative amnesia. or rather, until his ‘awakening’, he saw flashes of his childhood but could never see the whole picture, describing it as like a broken record. he also muses on that he had ‘no memories’ but that he could ‘remember the emotions.’ most interestingly is that in this particular panel when tomura is recalling a flash of a memory, tenko is a black silhouette. at this point, he was continuing to separate himself from tenko, at least on a subconscious level, with the actual memory of his place in the family continuing to be distorted. after his ‘awakening’, the memories have clearly been pieced back together but i think he continues to quietly push them to the back of his mind. again, the trauma is readily available to him now so it’s more of a conscious decision to not think about it.

another small point, but given he dissociates so often or just generally gets lost in his thoughts, and not necessarily for extended periods of time, tomura experiences blank spots in his memory in day to day life. not particularly in relation to information —– more so if you just ‘zone out’ while doing something mundane and lose concentration or awareness of the outside world.

3 . 1 : PERCEPTION / DETACHMENT FROM REALITY .

tomura’s perception of reality can be quite warped and can occasionally question whether something in real or not ( including himself. ) it’s usually because he feels very detached or disconnected from the real world, as he’s been isolated for a large portion of his life. one of his main coping mechanisms has clearly been video games —– leading him to make references to gaming and game terminology in relation to real world situations. this continues to allow him to be somewhat detached from the situation but can also sometimes struggle with differentiating between fiction and reality. this doesn’t actually occur that often, the derealization is more likely to be a sense of him feeling as though his surroundings are foggy / unclear / distanced or that time is moving slower.

this generally gets worse in collaboration with his chronic sleep issues / insomnia. the longer he’s gone without proper rest or sleep, the more likely it is that his perception will become more and more warped. to the point where he can experience visual and auditory hallucinations. in the villain / meta liberation army arc, he comments in this panel that ‘it always gets like that when i get sleepy; i see things moving that shouldn’t be moving, i hear sounds that shouldn’t be heard.’

3 . 2 : DETACHMENT FROM EMOTIONS .

tomura is also incredibly detached and disconnected from his emotions ( to a certain extent, this one is quite complicated. ) obviously he experiences anger, rage, resentment. he experiences a lot of negatively associated emotions daily, but generally lives in a state of hollowness or numbness. it’s like that big empty feeling in your chest or that anything remotely positive has a wet blanket over the top of it. you’re not fully able to feel it. that’s what it’s like for him. however, this detachment also means he will struggle to develop substantial connections and relationships with others, or it takes him a long time to learn to trust others. any close relationship he has had in the past or currently is ( or has been ) largely dysfunctional and this is unlikely to change — given the other dysfunctional people he surrounds himself with, and his own experiences.

his emotional range is quite restricted and his emotional reaction won’t always necessarily fit the circumstance. for example, violence and destruction elicit some kind of manic joy from him when this shouldn’t be the case. to be even more confusing, he is both emotionless and too emotional. he can’t control or regulate his emotions the same way a ‘normal’ person can. he can go from one to the other in a split second and then back again; he can be manic, impulsive and unpredictable.

the ‘itch’ that tomura experiences is also psychosomatic. that is, it is created or caused by his own mental or emotional state, usually stress. it was previously linked moreso to his traumatic memories and experiences and seems to have been mostly alleviated after his ‘awakening.’ however, it can still occur when triggered by substantial emotional stress or when he’s struggling to regulate himself. scratching at it to relieve the itch is a self - soothing mechanism to help him calm down, however the pain associated with it also assists in grounding him.

#* ㅤ 𝚂𝚃𝚄𝙳𝚈 ㅤ \ ㅤ headcanonsㅤ .#mental heath /#trauma /#child abuse /

11 notes · View notes